050. Jeff Ross, Bonnie McFarlane & KP Burke | Fun

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz - Episode 050 Featuring Jeff Ross, Bonnie McFarlane & KP Burke | Released on July 18, 2025

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Introduction and Sponsor Messages (00:00 - 02:39)

The episode kicks off with Louis J. Gomez and Big Jay Oakerson promoting their sponsors, including Bombas and Skank Fest New Orleans. They humorously highlight the comfort of Bombas apparel and the excitement surrounding Skank Fest, which boasts over 150 comedians and multiple stages. Additionally, they announce the launch of the Story Warz merchandise store, featuring various themed items.

Notable Quotes:

• Jeff Ross (00:06): "Bombas are so absurdly comfortable, you may throw out all your other clothes."
• Big Jay Oakerson (00:30): "It is the largest lineup we've ever had... over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy..."

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Game Rules and Contestant Introduction (02:39 - 05:08)

Louis and Big Jay introduce the main format of "Story Warz," explaining that contestants will share stories on a given subject—in this episode, "Fun." The panel comprises KP Burke from the American Loser podcast, comedian Bonnie McFarlane known for her book Women Aren't Funny, and Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General with an upcoming Broadway show.

Notable Quotes:

• Louis J. Gomez (07:08): "If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool the people that it's not your story."
• Big Jay Oakerson (07:39): "And here's the thing I'll tell you right now. For those people who haven't been here before, this is a lot of fun."

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First Story Round: Moped Birthday Surprise (10:26 - 24:22)

The first story revolves around receiving a moped as a birthday gift. Contestants share humorous and heartfelt anecdotes, with Bonnie revealing a touching memory that causes her to shed a tear. Jeff Ross shares a personal story about his parents' unique approach to granting independence through gifts.

Notable Quotes:

• Bonnie McFarlane (16:03): "I remember when we used to just drive on the highway and give the finger to people and we'd laugh all night."
• Jeff Ross (23:00): "The moped was pretty fun. And more guys humped my mom than the mopeds."

Points Update:

• Louis J. Gomez: 1 point
• Big Jay Oakerson & KP Burke: 2 points each
• Jeff Ross: 0 points

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Second Story Round: Fake Irish Accent for Love (26:40 - 34:22)

Participants recount attempts to impress others by adopting accents. KP Burke shares his experience faking an Irish accent to secure a romantic encounter, highlighting cultural interactions and personal boundaries. Jeff Ross discusses his own ventures into playful deception during his time at Boston University.

Notable Quotes:

• KP Burke (34:22): "She took her shirt off, and I just went on."
• Jeff Ross (32:06): "You know, I've never seen an Irish person out of my league."

Points Update:

• Bonnie McFarlane: 2 points
• Louis J. Gomez & Big Jay Oakerson: 3 points each
• KP Burke: 8 points
• Jeff Ross: 8 points

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Third Story Round: Chewing Gum Prank (35:01 - 46:38)

The third round features a prank involving covering a teacher's mailbox with chewed bubble gum. Louis J. Gomez narrates the mischievous act, while other contestants humorously debate the authenticity of the story, considering who among them is most likely to have committed the prank.

Notable Quotes:

• Louis J. Gomez (35:03): "We just put so many pieces in our mouths and wrapped her entire mailbox in it."
• Bonnie McFarlane (41:06): "I'll never make fun of a kid like that again."

Points Update:

• Bonnie McFarlane: 3 points
• KP Burke & Big Jay Oakerson: 8 points each
• Jeff Ross: 10 points
• Louis J. Gomez: 10 points

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Fourth Story Round: Acting Out Rocky Horror (47:00 - 73:03)

Participants share stories about acting out characters, specifically from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Jeff Ross describes his experience dressing as Frankenfooter during his time at Boston University and the ensuing interactions that led to lasting friendships. The discussion delves into personal growth, creativity, and the challenges of embracing unconventional interests.

Notable Quotes:

• Jeff Ross (78:22): "I put on the Frankenfooter makeup and the stockings and I got to act it out."
• Bonnie McFarlane (75:26): "Men, men do go into the adult film industry as well."

Points Update:

• Bonnie McFarlane: 4 points
• Jeff Ross: 14 points
• Big Jay Oakerson & KP Burke: 9 points each
• Louis J. Gomez: 11 points

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Final Story Round: Banned from a Comedy Club (74:33 - 90:57)

The last story involves getting banned from a comedy club due to inappropriate behavior in the green room. Bonnie McFarlane reveals that the incident was with KP Burke, who humorously emphasizes their bond despite the clash. The group reflects on past antics, emphasizing camaraderie and the competitive spirit of the game.

Notable Quotes:

• Bonnie McFarlane (90:15): "We were trying... to have sex in every comedy club that we could."
• Jeff Ross (85:07): "I've never been banned for it."

Points Update:

• Louis J. Gomez: 14 points
• Jeff Ross: 12 points
• Big Jay Oakerson & KP Burke: 9 points each
• Bonnie McFarlane: 7 points

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Conclusion and Winner Announcement (91:01 - 93:17)

As the game concludes, Louis J. Gomez emerges as the winner with a total of 18 points, securing the prize of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer adapted for a fifth-grade reading level. The hosts wrap up the episode by congratulating the contestants and promoting upcoming shows and personal projects, including Jeff Ross's Broadway premiere and Big Jay Oakerson's comedy tour.

Notable Quotes:

• Louis J. Gomez (92:32): "Louis J. Gomez, you're taking home the Adventures of Tom Sawyer."
• Jeff Ross (93:17): "Thank you, bud. It's gonna be a lot of fun."

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Overall Insights and Themes

• Humor and Camaraderie: The episode highlights the playful and competitive nature of the hosts and guests, blending humor with personal storytelling.
• Personal Growth: Contestants share stories that reflect their journeys, challenges, and moments of vulnerability.
• Edgy Content: The podcast maintains an edgy tone, incorporating explicit jokes and candid discussions, characteristic of the hosts' comedic styles.

Closing Remarks

"Story Warz" Episode 050 offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and competitive storytelling, featuring prominent figures in the comedy scene. Despite moments of offensive humor, the episode underscores the strong rapport and camaraderie among the hosts and guests, making it an engaging listen for fans of comedic banter and storytelling games.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear and T shirts.

[Jeff Ross]

Bombas are so absurdly comfortable, you may.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Throw out all your other clothes.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Sorry, do we legally have to say that?

[Jeff Ross]

No, this is just how I talk. And I really love my Bombas.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

They do feel that good. And they do good too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To bombas.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B A S dot com and use code audio at checkout. Foreign.

[Big J. Okerson]

Fest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stage stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great news, everybody. Story wars merch store now up and functioning. Everyone get your goddamn merch right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

Represent the show that you love. Show that you are yourself a story warrior. We got T shirts, we got hoodies, maybe socks one day. StoryWarsMerch.com is the way butt plugs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That thing you can put inside of a woman and you control it from your phone.

[Big J. Okerson]

The Story wars breakfast cereal. The Story wars flamethrower. Go to storywarsmerch.com and grab your merch today. What's going on? Story Warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun face New York Comedy club dot com. Hey, before we start today's Story wars, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors. And that of course is Yo Kratom. Long time, long time sponsor.

[Big J. Okerson]

We give. We give Yo Kratom double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yo Kratom. Home of the sixty dollar kilo, everybody. That price never changes. No matter how many things in the world do change. Presidents time, assassination attempts, Gaza wars. What else? There's something else going on over there.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't know, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You've been listening Iran.

[Big J. Okerson]

You've been listening to part of the problem. Too much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've been digging into part of the problem. It starts playing after my last video, sometimes.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yocratum.Com, home of the $60 kilo, let them know that we sent you. No promo code needed. All right, let's start the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fill her up.

[Jeff Ross]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J. Olson and Lewis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What is up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars. Make some noise for me, will you? New York City.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right. It is. It's another sold out show here at the New York Comedy Club. Our new partners clap it up for our partners, the New York Comedy Club. Great club. Sold out every show. We sold out every show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. It's our new home right here at the New York Comedy Club. We always ask this to our sold out crowds. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Big J. Okerson]

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars? Just a couple of jerk offs in the crowd.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, jerk offs, don't worry, we're going to explain it. We do have an amazing game. We will explain it for you after we introduce our amazing panel. We have of contestants today. Do you want to go first?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, sure. Our first competitor on today's panel making his Story wars debut from the American Loser podcast right here on the GAS Digital Network. Clap it up for KP Burke. Kp. KP looks like a dad who's about to tell us to turn our music down.

[KP Burke]

Correct. I just want my kids back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you don't know what it's like to have to work in the morning. Our second contestant, you know her from Women Aren't Funny. Her book you're better than me. And she is one of the most hilarious comedians working in the world. Make some noise for the hilarious Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie McFarlane.

[Big J. Okerson]

Bonnie. Hey, Bonnie. Welcome back, Bonnie.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I feel good. I feel this is a different location than I'm used to. It still feels like you guys are the same.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're still here.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, our final competitor coming back once again, another person who's been on Story wars before, making his New York Story wars debut. You guys know him as the Roastmaster General himself. Brand new show on Broadway starting August 5th. Clap it up for Je.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jeff. I see you have your story support.

[Jeff Ross]

Dog in case I get emotional. Yes, Bonnie.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I was gonna say you love young bitches.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's right.

[Jeff Ross]

This is my. This is Nipsey. Yeah, she's dead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Rapper Nipsey Hussle.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. Nipsey Hussle. And Nipsey Russell.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, okay.

[Jeff Ross]

It's a double plus. She nips a lot, as Bonnie just found out in the back. Yeah, she's a nipper.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I didn't need that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Little pinky dog already bit you, huh?

[Jeff Ross]

This is her fourth day in New York City. She's a country dog turned city dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

So why not bring her to a live show where she's gonna lose her fucking mind? Just tear off this girl's fucking nose in front of the entire crowd.

[Jeff Ross]

I thought I would break her in and get her used to the skank. Crowd?

[Big J. Okerson]

Hell yeah.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I thought you were going to say Puerto Ricans.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't worry, same thing. Most of this front rows had to have a tetanus shot in the last year. If you are unfamiliar with the game story awards, it's your first time listening at home. I will explain the game to you right now. All five of us on this panel, including Louis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Louis.

[Big J. Okerson]

Fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fun.

[Big J. Okerson]

Fun, fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be anything.

[Big J. Okerson]

Could be anything.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Stuff. The subject of stuff. Our lovely producer Alex is going to read those stories, often random, eight of them, one at a time. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool the people that it's not your story. If it is not your story, it is your job to guess whose story it is.

[Big J. Okerson]

And for every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. For every person on the panel that you fool, you get one point. Once you write your name or the the name on your. Once you write the name of your vote on the dry erase board, put it in the slot right here and remove your hand. That is your final answer. You can't change it. And here's the thing I'll tell you right now. For those people who haven't been here before, this is a lot of fun. You guys are gonna have a great time. I'm gonna tell you right now, you're gonna really love it. But we're not up here playing.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

They've already bought their ticket.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no.

[Jeff Ross]

There's nothing funnier than watching you two like dyslexic special needs kids explain the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Rules to a game they don't understand, there has to be yourself.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Laughing. That's joy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. Wow.

[Big J. Okerson]

They don't take the game seriously.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is the kind of attitude I expect from people who don't enjoy.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

What do we win?

[Big J. Okerson]

We're not playing for fun. We're going to tell you What? We're playing for Bonnie Jay, let them know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Act like this doesn't matter to you.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It matters.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every week here on Story Awards, we're playing for a book from the Story Awards library. Tonight's winner goes home with the Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain.

[Jeff Ross]

It's huge.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

You guys only do. You guys only do books with the N word, is that correct? Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, that's this month's theme. Tom Sawyer lives on the edge of responsibility, constantly chasing freedom, mischief, and. And the thrill of the unknown. But when a nightmare adventure leads him and Huck Finn to witness a murder, everything changes. This carefully adapted version retains the heart and N words of Twain's story while streamlining the journey at a fifth grade reading level.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

But, Lewis, you can. If you have trouble with some of the words, you let me know.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm a couple years away from it.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, it seems like everyone's ready.

[Jeff Ross]

So we supposed to guess whose story that is?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nope.

[Big J. Okerson]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was Mark Twain's.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay. We can all start with two points.

[Jeff Ross]

My Uncle Joe. My uncle Joe has a similar story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[Jeff Ross]

He's from.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The Adventures of Joe Ross. I think this crowd's ready. You guys ready for war? Are you guys ready for war? And Alex. Thank you, Roots.

[Jeff Ross]

And Alex, my dog just zed. When you said you're ready for war.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's finally learning. Alex. Story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. My significant other and I used to drive around and give people the finger and then laugh hysterically at their reaction.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

That sounds fun.

[Big J. Okerson]

It does sound fun, actually.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I'm hung up on this significant other. Which person is gay? So it is obviously you, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this is Bonnie. I didn't until she started talking first and then I thought it might be her. And this does seem like something that, like you get bond with Rich Voss over. He gives his little stubby Jewish finger and then. And then he laughs.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

He'd be so scared if somebody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, not while he's in the comforts of his car.

[Jeff Ross]

It's a very Jersey thing to do. It is. I feel like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where are you from?

[KP Burke]

This is the great state of New Jersey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. Awesome.

[Jeff Ross]

Then he gets it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jeff. It holds up well that.

[Jeff Ross]

It does feel like something all three of us could have put in. Definitely.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Well, it's them too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, it could be me and Lewis.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Also, but they don't know the word significant, which I understand.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex would change that if we just gave the name of our girl.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yes.

[KP Burke]

Is the dog playing or no. I'm confused.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's Jeff's significant other.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[KP Burke]

I like that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Dogs don't have fingers. So it's not Jeff.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[KP Burke]

There's only one ex cop looking guy on this show, pal, and it's me right here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Jeff Ross]

Annex. Military.

[KP Burke]

Yes, sir.

[Jeff Ross]

Army.

[KP Burke]

I'm navy. That's weird. I have so much in common with your dog.

[Jeff Ross]

That's awesome.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Both bomb sniffing, but also, you wouldn't be afraid of somebody if you did it to them.

[KP Burke]

That is true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right.

[KP Burke]

This feels like subterfuge.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right? You came out. I assure the military with massive trauma. Wait, the Navy?

[KP Burke]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A knowledge of musicals and that would still feel that military bump, you know, that excitement, that. That drive for conflict.

[Big J. Okerson]

Kp, you're. You're not married, but you have a long time girlfriend.

[KP Burke]

Unfortunately, yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you can't kill them if you cut off her fingers and take out her teeth.

[Jeff Ross]

We're.

[KP Burke]

We're looking at stuff. I have step kids. I kind of like them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you can keep them, Jeff, if you never get caught.

[KP Burke]

But also true. Thank you, Jerry.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't see this being Big J. Big J is not like a pranky type of guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, we used to Louis together. We used to love driving up to Canada and just doing a show your tits sign.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, we would do that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just hold it up to everybody and see how everyone reacts.

[Big J. Okerson]

No matter how gross the woman was. I just smack it against the window.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listen, we learned quickly. We started it for sure to see tits.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But by the first half hour of the first time we ever did it, we realized that's borderline never happening.

[Big J. Okerson]

Tits were never happening. But you could get a woman to be violently angry or and chase you on the highway.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, but it was a good social thing because you would judge if somebody was cool if you did it. And the girl was kind of like, fuck you. You're laughing about it. You're like, cool chick. But if they would be like. And like almost swerve and kill their own family, we'd be like, damn, what a cunt.

[Big J. Okerson]

Now show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What a frigid bitch. Why is this so uptight?

[Big J. Okerson]

So, Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I was gonna say this feels like a run up to that you guys are like giving each other, giving people the finger. And then.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We weren't looking for a fight. We were looking for tits.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, that's what you guys. That's how slow your brains work. You did it for two years on this, and then you're like, what? We're not getting anything out of it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we might as well look at tits. Instead of just giving the finger to everybody.

[Jeff Ross]

All right, I'm ready to guess. Mark Twain.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay. All right. It's in play, I think.

[Jeff Ross]

Am I right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No one's ever done that, but I think technically it is in play.

[Jeff Ross]

I'm really just on guard for when this guy in the front has to go to the bathroom. My dog thinks he's attacking me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He had a machete.

[Jeff Ross]

Nipsey, that's your friend.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I don't know who it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's you.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I would know then.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you would know if I think it's his. Bonnie. This sounds like a Bonnie and Rich put it killing time. This is what made them fall in love.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bonnie cried when she sent this in. When Bonnie sent this in, she started crying because she was like. I remember when we used to just drive on the highway and give the finger to people and we'd laugh all night.

[Jeff Ross]

And he put a finger on that. He put a finger on that. He put a ring on that finger.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm gonna put my vote in for kp.

[Jeff Ross]

Wait. Can I weigh in for a second?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Big J. Okerson]

Please.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, no. Well, no. I mean, kp, first of all, like, you're, like. You're a stepdad, You're a Navy veteran. Like, you seem like such a nice guy that this would be the craziest thing you ever did in your life. So I could see this being a origin story of your comedy life with your significant other.

[KP Burke]

Like, I respect it. I respect it.

[Jeff Ross]

And Bonnie. I do think this is probably Bonnie's story because she jumped on it so quick. But I don't think it was with her current husband. I think this is like a high school college kind of boyfriend thing. High school teacher. That's what I think.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

So I was gay before I met Rich. He turned me. That's how.

[Jeff Ross]

Okay, girlfriend then, girlfriend now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's just blatantly lying girlfriend.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I'm trying to show you what a lie sounds like coming from my house.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think KB's being quiet. I think that KB is a very funny dude. I think his girlfriend's Jersey trash as well. This is something that. This is something that Jersey trash would bond over driving down the highway right there. KP burger is my vote.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm all Bonnie locked in.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex. All of our answers are in.

[Alex]

Story number one belongs to Bonnie McFarlane.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fuck.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

How do you guys always know? Because it's not about tits. I'm only going to put stuff about tits in now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You could, you fool. You fooled a few people.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, damn.

[Big J. Okerson]

It. You got some points, everybody. So what happened was this, you and Rich?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yes, of course.

[Jeff Ross]

That's amazing.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

We had rules. Like, it had to be like a straight, normal, you know, whatever that is. Working white. Yes. Somebody who couldn't say, like, oh, they're racist or something. Like, we wanted people just to be like, confused, you know.

[Big J. Okerson]

So did anyone ever get mad at you?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

All people were. It was hilarious. People be like, like, what did I do? We like, you know what you did.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I like that you didn't have to say. You go, Rich would be terrified to get into a thing with a person. You threw him under the bus. You didn't say you wouldn't get involved in that. Rich is too much of a.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

To give him a pussy. We speed off. We were cool.

[Big J. Okerson]

Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What a couple of rebels.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, after one story, where are points at all?

[Alex]

Right on the board with one point, Bonnie McFarland. And tied for the lead with two points each, Big J. Okerson, K.P. burke and Jeff Ross.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, you didn't say Louis's.

[Alex]

Oh, I'm sorry. With zero points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's all right.

[Alex]

First, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

First story. First story. First story means nothing.

[Big J. Okerson]

Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting today's show. Body Brain Coffee is my brand. Full disclosure, and I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't be able to come out here and battle with the best story warriors on the planet if I wasn't fueled up on Body Brand coffee.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm fueled up on it. Why do I suck shit so much?

[Big J. Okerson]

Story wars is all about battling it out with your brain and your balls. And if you're running low on either, we've got that fixed. It is testosterone forward coffee designed for dudes who want to think faster, hit harder and fuck smarter. It's packed with Tonga Ali for natural testosterone support.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you know that Tongkat Ali is my favorite? Jean Claude Van Damme villain kickboxer Ashwagandha.

[Big J. Okerson]

To chill the hell out. Lion's man will push your brain.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know Ashwagandha is my favorite play is the Black Panthers Lion's man to.

[Big J. Okerson]

Boost your brain and L Theanine to keep you focus, your focus sharp. Without the crash and the coffee, it's not some dusty mushroom dirt water. It's bold. Premium Colombian freeze dried coffee that actually tastes amazing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis, I gotta work on jokes for Lion's mane and L Theanine.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, drink some more Body Brain Coffee. Your brain's gonna fire on all functions. So Right now go to bodybraincoffee.com and use the promo code war15 for 15% off. That is war15 for 15% off@bodybrain coffee.com level up your brain. Unleash your balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going to unleash them on you.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex? Story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. A week before my 15th birthday, I came home from school to one of my parents yelling at me to clean my room. I went to my room and found a brand new moped with a red ribbon around it. My parent was cracking up, saying, happy birthday. I'm sick of driving you around. You're on your own now.

[Big J. Okerson]

What a fun parent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This has to be. Jeff's wacky, hilarious Jewish parents. Your wealthy, hilarious Jewish parents.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Also, like, they had to go back to their 15th birthday for something fun. Sad. I think that's sad.

[Jeff Ross]

Jewish parents usually would not let a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jewish kid on a moped.

[Jeff Ross]

Moped.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is true.

[Jeff Ross]

So.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Jeff Ross]

Being a Navy guy or a martial arts guy feels more like a daredevil kind of personality.

[Big J. Okerson]

My mom. My mom had no money to buy.

[KP Burke]

Me gifts or a license.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, can I say Jeff also, I.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wish if my mom was cool to give me a moped. Oh, my God, I would love her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You grew up in the city, Jeffrey?

[Jeff Ross]

New Jersey, actually.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, really?

[Jeff Ross]

Newark, New Jersey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. So they could.

[Jeff Ross]

White kid on a moped in Newark? I don't think so.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I was gonna say, like, who's the most traumatized here? Because that's who this is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm thinking of who lived in a place where their parents drove them around. If you grew up, like, in the city, your parents don't drive you around much. You kind of walked around. But if you were in Jersey, your mom could have drove you around. This is kp. You grew up in Jersey, you said, right?

[KP Burke]

Yes, sir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Were your parents hilarious and rich? Not quite.

[KP Burke]

Not quite.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, but a moped is like, you know, lower middle class can afford to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Buy their kid a moped. My mom honestly was close to driving a moped herself to get to actual work. We drove a Chevette.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So she wasn't giving me. She got me a moped. She'd be like, and now you have to take me to work every day.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jay was a fat kid. They can't put a fat kid on a moped. That's just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You fucking can, dude.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, you can't, dude.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

If it was either one of you guys, we'd already know about it.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, if I ever had a moped as a kid. I would. I'd still be driving that moped today. It'd be sick.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn. I wish I had a moped now.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I think you both did it now. I think it's kp.

[Big J. Okerson]

Did you have a moped when you were a kid?

[Jeff Ross]

Maybe you could do.

[KP Burke]

You can answer that one. It's gonna give away the story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you lie. Huh?

[KP Burke]

Oh, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gotta lie.

[Jeff Ross]

Do they still make mopeds? Have they been replaced by something?

[KP Burke]

Yeah, I hit a guy off of one the other day with my car door. I felt. Yeah, I felt pretty bad. I didn't stop to find.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

And then. Did you go, oh, I remember when I had a moped.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My mom was so sick of driving me around.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, I think KP just showed his ass. I don't think he's kidding. I think he actually just fucked up. This is a K.P. burke story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not gonna tell you that. You go, kp. Did your mom drive you around? Come on, man. What's the interrogation about?

[Alex]

That's right. Belongs to Jeff Ross.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah.

[KP Burke]

Motherfucker, suck your feet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is what I wanted. You got me with the Jewish parents. Wouldn't let their fucking kids. Come on, man.

[Jeff Ross]

You know what? My dad did not care if I lived or died. It was all part of it. I rode that fucking thing in the Snow on Route 22 to the catering hall. My mom had died, so my dad was driving my sister and I around all the time, and he just couldn't do it anymore. So he's like, here. Independence.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow. Wow, that was awesome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn.

[KP Burke]

What year was that, Jeff?

[Jeff Ross]

That would have been the.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Brought a tear to my eye.

[Jeff Ross]

It would have been like, I would.

[Big J. Okerson]

Rather a moped than a mom, to be honest.

[Jeff Ross]

The moped was pretty fun. And more guys humped my mom than the mopeds. But, yeah, I've been in a reflective state. I've been writing a show that's going to be on Broadway August and September. You're all invited?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell, yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

So I went back and I found all this stuff, and I completely Forgot this story 100%, but my dad was a character. And I found a letter just a few weeks ago that he wrote me when I graduated high school. And one of the things that was a fun memory that he put in the letter was this moped story that I'd forgotten completely about. So.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Well, there's one good dad on the panel.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, no. Two years later, he died of a cocaine overdose.

[KP Burke]

There it is. There it is.

[Jeff Ross]

The show's a Lot of fun. So it's like he knew I would need fucking independence or I would have to learn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we wanted to call the show originally Drudging Up Old Shit, but Bonnie's right.

[Jeff Ross]

I did have to go back a long time for a fun story that didn't involve, you know, Dave Chappelle or John Stamos.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, you don't. You don't want to give it away.

[Jeff Ross]

It would have given it away. So that was a fun one. Thanks for reminding me of that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

All right. Not yet on the scoreboard.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, it's fine, Alex. Just move on.

[Alex]

With still zero points.

[Big J. Okerson]

You don't have to name the zero.

[Alex]

Louis J. Gomez with one point. Bonnie McFarland tied for second place with two points each. Big J Okerson and Kate Burke, the Deuces.

[KP Burke]

I'm coming for that book. I want you. Runaway Jim. Runaway Jim and me are going home together. I'm saying run away. That's more PC.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you're doing the right thing. I don't know if that's a fifth grade reading level version, but we'll see.

[Jeff Ross]

Did I do this right by writing me on here?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can't vote for yourself, but it doesn't matter if you voted last. It really didn't matter.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, don't.

[Jeff Ross]

Don't make it a habit to pretend that it's someone else. Even when I vote?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, if you vote early.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, if you're the last person I see.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jay, just tell him he's not supposed. You're not supposed to do that, Jeff.

[Jeff Ross]

All right? I just want to be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow, dude. I'm cool. I'm cool with it, but, like, Lewis is a fucking hard ass. I guess this guy's the commissioner. I guess all of us, son. So. No, I guess don't do it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Rules, Jeff.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I guess don't do it ever again. Or else. Lewis.

[Jeff Ross]

I like being a. I want to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Be a good guest.

[Alex]

And in the lead with six points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, sounds like a good guest.

[Alex]

Jeff Ross.

[Jeff Ross]

This is so fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn, Alex.

[Big J. Okerson]

Story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three. I once faked an Irish accent to secure sex with someone way out of my league. It worked.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Louis, let's hear your Irish accent. I want to hear everybody's Irish accent.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's a great point. We'll see who does the best Irish accent. Who can get laid. Oh, Bonnie, let me see your little. Let me see your little lucky charms.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, God, it's working.

[Big J. Okerson]

Let me see your pink flower.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I believe that it's you. Oh, and now it's uncomfortable.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Jeff Ross]

Jp, what's your Irish accent sound like?

[KP Burke]

It's a little. It sounds like somewhere between Katie Boyle and Colm Turrell. You know, it's not really good. How about the movie with Brad Pitt's snatch? Just kind of talking. As long as you're confident, you don't even have to understand what you're saying. Just go, oh, okay.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh.

[KP Burke]

That was not a good accent. That was not a good accent.

[Jeff Ross]

That was good. Really good. That was really. If you just talk like that, I would be like, oh, this guy's from Irish.

[KP Burke]

I probably would have had a development deal by now.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. And by that nose, I would think you fight a lot, which is very Irish.

[KP Burke]

The guy who brought the attack dog in here is making me nervous.

[Jeff Ross]

No, she's a good. She's good doggy. She's okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis, you would what?

[Big J. Okerson]

Let me hear your Irish accent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here's the problem.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hold on. What are you hiding?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll do it.

[Big J. Okerson]

What are you hiding?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll do it. I'm saying, you know, this isn't me. I'm inconsistent with accent. So one, my Irish might even be Scottish, and it's eventually going to turn into just fucking baba da boopy Italian. And also, when I do, I'm such a bad impressionist and, like, hack with accents. The only thing I can say in Irish accents are, like leprechaun exclamations. You know, I mean, like, oh, me pot of gold. But I wouldn't fake that to get pussy.

[KP Burke]

What about zombie?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. Want to come back to my house? You do. I had.

[Big J. Okerson]

This is true, though. I had a girl fake a British accent once all night, and then I hooked up with her. Then as the sun was coming up, she was like, oh, I have a confession to make. And I was like, oh, boy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm a guy. I'm not British and I'm a guy. That was a penis. I lied to you and I have aids.

[KP Burke]

I've heard you do Zombie Jay. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. You're underselling. Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I'm doing an impression of her singing it. It's already sang like that. I've heard it. I don't have any consistency where I would think I can. I'm also now, dude, I've never bullshitted a chick to get. Because I'm like, she's gonna find out and then be like, ew.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

So there is a.

[Alex]

There is a clue in here.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It worked. So that eliminates a lot of people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's Louis.

[Big J. Okerson]

You think it's me? You think I was faking an Irish accent?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude, you're a point.

[Big J. Okerson]

To the point where it worked.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't do a good Irish accent. That would be a brown skinned Puerto Rican. Be like, oh, I'm from Dublin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am Lois.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're not fascinating.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not college grads. Dude, these are teen runaways, bro. They don't know. Oh, he's got culture. You're like, oh, raw.

[Big J. Okerson]

Tt Hey, I think.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Wait, we have to hear Jeff's Irish accent.

[Jeff Ross]

Here's what's happening with this one. The reason I asked jp Because I. I don't know. Kp. Yeah, we just meet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're right next to each other in the Alphabet.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I couldn't let it ride one more time.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you. I appreciate. No, I appreciate it. We only met when I came up here and we met once.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

No, but we've been writing his name down like a hundred.

[Jeff Ross]

I didn't write it down. I just wrote me and you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So you met once at a funeral home.

[KP Burke]

We met. Jeff Ross and I met at a funeral home.

[Jeff Ross]

Really?

[KP Burke]

You don't remember this? I guarantee.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you the guy who killed his mom?

[KP Burke]

Correct. Back for one more. For one more.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You came to make sure you finished the job.

[KP Burke]

I said, how much more work do I have to do?

[Jeff Ross]

Are you the guy who let me in at two in the morning to very close that dead body?

[KP Burke]

Dangler Funeral Home.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, for seven grand, this guy will do anything.

[KP Burke]

Dangler Funeral Home, West Orange. Leonard Petruno.

[Jeff Ross]

You had to bring that up. Yeah, my cousin.

[KP Burke]

Yep, yep. That was my uncle's brother. You bumped him from speaking at his funeral.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait. Nice. Wait, I like that.

[Jeff Ross]

Your uncle's brother.

[KP Burke]

Leonard's brother was my Uncle Paulie. Uncle Paulie wanted to speak at the funeral and they said, cousin Jeff is here. He's going to talk instead. And my uncle had to fold up his notes and walk away.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, that's ridiculous.

[Alex]

Oh, Jeff.

[Jeff Ross]

That's ridiculous. I got a better theory.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I like that. I hope you roasted that guy. He was folding up his thing.

[Jeff Ross]

He's like, no, I got a better theory. I think that maybe. Maybe. Well, like 15 people spoke, so I think your uncle fucking chickened out.

[KP Burke]

Possible. Don't worry, he's dead, so it's all good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, thank God.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

No, but you're here to avenge his guy getting bumped, are you not?

[Big J. Okerson]

He died of a broken heart.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's true. The first official diagnosis, he has to.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Be buried with his speech.

[Jeff Ross]

But here's the thing with the story. War. That was a really good Irish accent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was good.

[Jeff Ross]

You're also very in tune with the Irish culture of the movie. Bonnie is also Irish, I think.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, but women don't immigrate.

[KP Burke]

I can't trust them.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

We get laid no matter what we're saying. Or.

[Jeff Ross]

I was gonna say, the way this is written feels like it's very well written. I was laughing at just the two sentence stories. I was like, oh, that could be Bonnie. She's a great writer. But then when this guy started breaking out the Irish, I was like, I.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Think it might be me. Now you've convinced me you want to take credit for.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How long you been with your chip?

[KP Burke]

Three years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Three years only. Oh, this could be you. Well, it's not Louis. I hate to say if it's not Louis, it's kp, but it's Louis.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

No, but it could be Jeff again. Doing. You see what he's doing? Yeah, he's going to fucking run away with the whole thing.

[Jeff Ross]

First of all, I've never seen an Irish person out of my league.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So.

[Jeff Ross]

It'S not me. Doesn't exist.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Facts. Say no more, Jeff. It's not you. Well, hold on.

[Big J. Okerson]

This doesn't mean that the other person was Irish. Maybe they were just trying to have an accent to be interesting.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Right?

[KP Burke]

Bonnie McFarland, folks. Immigrant from Canada.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Conniving or yellow?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Keep your mouth shut.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just married. Just married the first piece of shit she tripped over to stay in our fine country.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I came to America and married. Stupid wretch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, you're living that Schwarzenegger dream. I'm going to be a Kennedy one day. I'm going to be a Voss.

[Big J. Okerson]

I voted three times for KP already. I'm going to start the voting right now. I got. I. I gotta choose KP on this. It's got to be him at least one time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going with Lewis.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think it might be Jay, only because. What the fuck?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, really?

[Big J. Okerson]

Why do you keep on going for me at all? No, it doesn't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because you're a lunatic who will do anything for pussy.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, no, we're wrong again.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All answers are in Alex.

[Big J. Okerson]

If it's Big J, I'm gonna be pissed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not.

[Alex]

Story number three belongs to K.P. burke.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes. Oh, Jay, that was a ridiculous guess.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're what?

[Big J. Okerson]

Kp, Tell us about the story. Who was this?

[KP Burke]

So it was a Dominican girl and.

[Jeff Ross]

She thought, wow, she.

[KP Burke]

She kind of thought that, like the way she speaks Spanish at home. And then she can speak, you know, in a more professional tone outside of the home. She thought I could code switch as well, because I told her I was Irish. And then we got her back to the house, and she goes, can you please talk Irish for me? And I felt talk Irish. Literally her request. Literally her request. And I didn't want to do it.

[Big J. Okerson]

But she was Dominican and terrifying.

[KP Burke]

She had a pretty solid body on her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, wait, you weren't fooling her? She said, I know you. Don't talk like that. Fake it.

[KP Burke]

She told me to fake it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Be a character.

[KP Burke]

She took her shirt off. I wasn't gonna do it. She took her shirt off, and I just went on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, rotati dee dee.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, nipsey. Okay.

[KP Burke]

She got the full Irish experience. I looked up while I was fucking her, and she was petting my dog.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[KP Burke]

Not a lot to work with down there, Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy, though. She broke into other activities. I've never opened my eyes from and seen a girl doing a different activity. She's like, what are you doing? She goes, no. I just realized I didn't turn off my ring camera. I got a FedEx.

[KP Burke]

She was from Patterson. They were wild.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Christ Almighty.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, by the way, can I just say that this is going. Is really fun. Like, the theme's fun, but the show's.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Fun because you're winning.

[Big J. Okerson]

I appreciate that joke.

[Jeff Ross]

I guess if you're winning, I don't feel competitive with you. I don't feel competitive.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

No, but if you had one point, you might.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I tell you what. You are feeling competitive because everybody wants to go home with the book.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In a town full of rules he refuses to follow, Tom Sawyer is always looking for a way out of school, work, or trouble. He usually started. But after a graveyard encounter turns deadly, Tom must decide whether to speak out. Knowing the truth can put him at risk. This edition presents Tom's adventure in an abridged format that preserves the story's weight while making it more accessible to early readers. That's going home with the winner. Our scores.

[Big J. Okerson]

This guy's hilarious looking. He looks like Indian Sam Morrell. Look at his face.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If that guy didn't go to a good barber, every hair on his body would connect. He'd be like one of those Mexican wolf boys. I bet he knows how to trapeze. Bet me $30 he knows how to trapeze.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's not laughing. He's just staring and eating.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because he's always focused. Because he has to follow the family business of walking between buildings on a rope. Don't you understand? You're looking at a lifelong Middle Eastern daredevil.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're. Your eyebrows are in permanent scowl position. I'm sorry? Your eyebrow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This guy is the fucking Anthony Davis of Umakistan. Did you just burp? Is he lighting his shoe up?

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, our scores, all right.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard, tied with the lowest scored two points each, Louis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson. And tied for second place with three points each, KP Burke and Bonnie McFarlane in the lead with eight points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Alex]

Jeff Ross.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's okay. When me and Lewis are behind like this, we do that Talladega Nights thing where you fucking. One of us whips the other one around. Dude, we're gonna nail this.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh. Shake and bake.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shake and bake. Shake and Bake. Hey, guys, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story wars, and that is Lucy's Breakers. You've heard about Lucy's Breakers? Come on. They take what you think you know about nicotine pouches and turn it on its head. They got that juice inside the little capsule.

[Big J. Okerson]

Juicy, bro. I'll tell you right now, they got berry, citrus, apple cider, mango, delicious flavors. If you're a pouch person, this is the fucking best version of any pouch you're ever gonna have. I'll tell you, I got so many friends that love Juicy and swear by Lucy, you can get yourself set up with their subscription as well and get Lucy delivered directly to your door. So level up your nickname nicotine routine right now with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co. Wars with a Z. Use that promo code wars with a z and get 20 off your first order. Lucy even has a 30 day refund policy if you change your mind. So once again, that is Lucy Co. And use the promo code wars with a Z for 20 off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex? She can be story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. When I was a child, the most fun thing in the world to me was spinning in a chair while holding a toy steering wheel. It stayed the most fun thing until I was far too old.

[Big J. Okerson]

It does sound really fun.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah?

[Louis J. Gomez]

How fun?

[Big J. Okerson]

Sounds like the most fun thing in the world.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like you would do it until you're way too old.

[Big J. Okerson]

Maybe spinning in a chair while holding a toy steering wheel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This sounds like retarded girl shit. You can't believe you have your. Someone's letting you drive. It's the most fun thing in the world. No one's judging my driving, but it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Also sounds like little fat guy shit, too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jeff don't call. You don't know if Jeff was fat when he was little.

[Jeff Ross]

I was fat enough for this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh. Oh, you met me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You piece of shit.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

If this was Jeff, it would be sad, because then he doesn't even get a car. He gets a moped.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, it's true. It's like, I'll tell you this.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Not. This was supposed to be fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll tell you this. I'm stoned enough to realize that, like, this does sound. Because also, Lewis will tell you, as a fat kid, always, I love being weightless. So flipping in a pool is one of my favorite things in the world. And this sounds reminiscent to me of pool flipping. Like, you're getting to do something that the little guys do on just swings and fun shit. Whereas I'm fat, so I need, like, office furniture.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, you can't, like, you can't sit in one of those, like, Radio Flyer wagons. The wheels just fucking bank.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, God. Yeah. My friend pulling me. He's got fucking Rocky three vanes in his arm. Arms. Fucking vascular.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, this could very well be me. I'll say it. I like having fun. I'm as a fat person my whole life.

[Big J. Okerson]

I do a zoom podcast with Jay every week, and he lies on his tummy and he kicks his feet behind his head.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And by the way, when Lewis starts talking and I zone out because it's nonsense, it just start. I just start crossing my feet and see if I can make my tootsies come out from behind my head.

[Big J. Okerson]

He has, like, yeah. Childlike wonder. This is a very big J type of story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know. Poor Lewis. He put out an amazing coffee brand body brain coffee, Quick plug. But I don't like coffee because that's for adults. So I'm sure it's great, but I don't know. You know, I'll ask my mom how it is.

[Big J. Okerson]

I can see this being Jay, but also, maybe it could be Bonnie. You know this Bonnie? Yeah, I can see this happening with Bonnie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I was joking. I was just making the girl driving joke.

[Big J. Okerson]

But maybe, yeah, maybe Bonnie was like little. I imagine like a tomboy trying to do things that little boys were doing.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

We're all on the spectrum. Okay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Also, Louis, though, did you like little girl things? You play with, like, dolls and, like, play house? Or do you do, like, little Boy things.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, I did all of it. I was. I was all over the map. Yeah. I wouldn't have done something stupid like this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh. Lewis grew up in a. In a ridiculous childhood where, like, you had to make your own fun. For sure. Your mom was what I think professionals call a problematic.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, but would he have had a spinning chair?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That seems too much. I forgot that your family may have been too much of pieces of complete to have a spinning chair.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, could have been.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you're not, buddy. You could have spinning chairs out the ass, but you come from pieces of shit who could never have spinning chairs. And that's why I don't know if it's spinning chair.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Is that makes me think.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, now I'm back to fucking rich ass. Fucking Jeff Ross with his spinning ass chairs.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, he's got a moped.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's got a funniest thing with spinning ass chairs. Your fucking 360chairs, asshole.

[Jeff Ross]

I like that you guys think I was rich. That makes me feel like I did well in my life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I tell you something? Of the Jews on the thing, you're the most Jewish.

[Jeff Ross]

I. I'll take it. Oh, I already. I mean.

[Big J. Okerson]

So who do you think this is, Jeff?

[Jeff Ross]

Does he want kpd? Everybody go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll go.

[Jeff Ross]

I know. No, I mean, I know. I know who it is.

[Big J. Okerson]

So you know who it is.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't like to go till last.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because then I. Oh, because it's you again. Come on, dude. Is that what you're doing right now?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

What?

[Jeff Ross]

It's not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can't tell if you're trying to brilliantly steal the round from everybody by drawing every one of you and voting for someone else.

[Jeff Ross]

I just. It's not even. What? It's not even the stories. It's you guys, the tells, you know? I know the tells. All right, I'll just write it down and then I'll show you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm so curious.

[Jeff Ross]

First of all, the fucking spinning chair was his moped, right? Like, that's how bad Lewis's childhood was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jeff Ross]

First of all, like, it's so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was my first.

[Jeff Ross]

He's staring it at me. He's staring at me like the fucking Jeff Ross. Like, kind of a little boy crying through that. Through, through. Like, this one hits home.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I feel like Jeff is trying to sell it too hard now.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jeff is trying to sell it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ooh, is he?

[Big J. Okerson]

But I think.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is Jeff selling it too hard?

[Big J. Okerson]

I think Big J is playing the game right now.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

And I think this could easily be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J, vote for me. But is it definitely not you before I say Jeff?

[Big J. Okerson]

It's definitely not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on, dude.

[Jeff Ross]

That's what I mean. I should have just been quiet. I would have been the only one to get it right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But look at me. Look at me. If I. If it's not you, I'm gonna say Jeff.

[Jeff Ross]

And by the way, here's another way I know it's not you, because when you set it back as a joke early on, you. You. You quoted it as. Until I was way too old. So you didn't write it because it says far too old.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Far too old.

[Jeff Ross]

So you didn't actually write it, so you had to tell in there that I picked. I play poker.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I live. I'm a.

[Jeff Ross]

Okay, this is how I'm playing this game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I'm okay with this. It moves you nowhere.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

This is a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can we put it in the thing? Put in the thing. But can you answer my question?

[Big J. Okerson]

Big J is doing a nice little fucking acting thing right now. Here it is. That's my vote.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're an idiot. You sold it hard. It's Lewis for sure. I don't. Maybe Jeff.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, if it's Jeff, I'm gonna be pissed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna be pissed if it's Jeff. Everybody's logged in.

[Alex]

Story number four belongs to Big J Okerson.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes. I knew it. I fucking knew it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did all right, though. I did all right.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ladies and gentlemen, Big J Okerson came to play the game.

[Jeff Ross]

That was impressive. That was impressive.

[Big J. Okerson]

That was good acting.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My. When I was a kid, I'd leave school. My mom worked at a daycare center across the street from my school. And I would go there, and I said I just had to kill time till my mom was done work. And I would go upstairs, and they just had an office chair, like a big, cushy black office chair and a stupid little. I mean, like a baby's steering wheel thing. And I would, for three hours in a clip, just fucking spin myself on this thing and hold the steering wheel. And I would get dizzy, and it made me so happy. And I'll tell you why. All this is my whole life. My whole life, I've always been at a weight that has been just on the edge of maybe you can or cannot ride this ride. So I've always waited in the line, and several times, sometimes in front of a lady, I've had to have the people come over and say, I'm sorry you can't control yourself enough to be able to fit on a machine. A machine that's built on fucking steel and metal and high level tech. Robotics can't support what you've done with pizza and McDonald's, so you gotta find your small victories. And mine was spinning in a fucking office chair and all the thing. I'm like. I'm like, whoa. I'm on a roller coaster. No one's judging me. Alex, the scores.

[Big J. Okerson]

That was a big round.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I'll never make fun of a fat kid again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you will. Yeah, you will. You monster.

[Alex]

All right. Tied for fourth place with three points each, K.P. burke and Bonnie McFarland.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, humiliating.

[Alex]

In third place with four points, Louis J. Gome. In second place with five points, Big J. Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn, I wish I knew that Polish Russian dance that stupid MMA girl does. Right?

[Alex]

And in the lead with eight points, Jeff Ross.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, all right. What a game.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. We are halfway through. At this point, we're gonna go around the. The table and just do some plugs. Real. Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, good. You trained to kill blacks. Good. No, that's good. That was the test. Everything's fine. Josh, that's your dad's fault, probably. Josh, that's probably because of your dad, whatever his name is. You don't know him.

[Big J. Okerson]

Josh, to be fair, you do look like a chew toy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Josh, do you not be built and have hair like a bone?

[Big J. Okerson]

If you could.

[Jeff Ross]

Josh, you're the first.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Person human dog bone, lunge at a German shepherd.

[Jeff Ross]

Like that. That was. You're very brave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude, that's Jews taking back German shepherds. Yeah, fuck you, Hitler. Now Jews train us to kill blacks.

[Big J. Okerson]

So, Jeff, what are you plugging, my friend? You have your show starting on August 5th on Broadway.

[Jeff Ross]

Previews. August 5th. Take a banana for the ride on Broadway at the world famous Nederlander Theater. I hope you come out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I come in?

[Jeff Ross]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I come to preview?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I look cool and bring my daughter backstage?

[Jeff Ross]

And she'll be. Of course.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, of course. All right, I'm gonna call.

[Jeff Ross]

We're all invited. Except kp. No, I'm kidding.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's fucking lying. Kpt, Irish Voice piece of.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's it.

[Jeff Ross]

It's going to be fun. Going to be a lot of fun. There's air conditioning, there's cheap seats in the balcony, and there'll probably be some skanks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This your first time? First time Broadway.

[Jeff Ross]

First time doing anything like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Dude, that's awesome. That's amazing.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bonnie. Bonnie, you on Broadway?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I'm gonna be at his show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

So you can see me. What do you want from me, Plugs? Why stare?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We just want you to plug all your hilarious stuff. You're great, and we want you to say where you're.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I don't do my podcast anymore. Rich and I stopped doing it. We're trying to, like, go back to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Giving the finger to strangers.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, we want to, like, go back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To our roots, where we, like, you gotta go grassroots. Film that.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You stopped doing the podcast.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

We stopped doing the podcast officially.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Because it was. People would always be like, does it help your marriage? And. No, it really didn't. It was just, like, you just had to think of all week, like, something that really bothered you. And then I had to think of something that really bothered me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did you guys only talk about bad stuff on air?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Well, I mean, Rich just loved to list places that he'd been that week. You know, he'd be like, oh, I went to Home Depot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

You know what I mean? So then you had to be like, listen. And I had to start a fight to get some, because he only reacts. He only has energy to. To defend himself. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

So it got. Yeah, it was unhealthy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, good plugs, bon.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

KP.

[KP Burke]

Number one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So they can catch [e-mail]. great. KP.

[KP Burke]

Right on. American Loser, the latest show added on gas digital network. Thank you guys very much. Happy to be here. And my Instagram is Apurksucks. We got some cool reels going on. And I have one request, if I can. I'm sorry, If I can have one request. Can my dead uncle do. Can he open for you for that show?

[Jeff Ross]

Only if he does it in an Irish accent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nice. Yeah. Can I tell you something, Jeff? I hope you don't do that so I could be the first comic ever, to some point, do have my feature act be 25 minutes of respectful silence. 25 stream. Then the host comes back out like, okay, give it up for fucking Uncle Charles, y'. All.

[Big J. Okerson]

Big JJ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, shit. BigJ. Comedy.com for all my days. Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it.

[Jeff Ross]

Wait, are we done? We're not done yet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no.

[Big J. Okerson]

We're halfway more.

[Jeff Ross]

I love it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, of course, listen to me and Robert Kelly, the great Robert Kelly on Faction Talk, SiriusXM103, the Bonfire five days a week, and of course, the flagship show right here@guest digital.com, the legendary fucking legion of skanks. Make sure you check it out. Oh and both. Both parts of my double crowd work special them they available right now on YouTube for free. Fucking check it out. Just go comment and don't be a fuck. Louis.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm filming my next special July 12th in Tampa.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Those.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gonna be so. I saw the set.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's gonna be great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Saw the set. It's gonna be great.

[Big J. Okerson]

The. The actual special taping that I sold that. But we do have tickets available for Thursday and Friday before at side Splitter so come check that out. I'm going to Timonium, Maryland, Kansas City, Missouri, a bunch of other places. Louisof Skanks.com check me out on tour. Check out all the other podcasts that I do like. The regs and story wars obviously send them up for my mailing list. And I'm writing a book right now called Knives and Spoons. You could pre order it right now on Amazon.com and yeah, that would be great. It comes out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a middle earth novel. Fiction, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

And also if you love this show, we do an uncensored ad free version of the show that comes out every every Monday night on gas digital.com. you don't have to wait till Thursdays to get it on YouTube or anywhere else. Go to Gascom. There's an on demand library with a bunch of episodes that are not available anywhere else. Use the promo code war when you check out and you save a couple.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bucks a month and you have your own fucking coffee. Dude, you have a coffee brand.

[Big J. Okerson]

I can't do the coffee during the plugs. Jay, I got it. Oh, thanks.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Can you can.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thought I was being a great friend there.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, it's all good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis has coffee.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, thank you.

[Jeff Ross]

Feel like the audience could use some right about now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You lackadaisy pieces of.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, it's not their fault.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here's the thing. Arguing over what?

[Jeff Ross]

The plug. I mean, that's fair.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kp, Bonnie. You guys are probably feeling pretty low about yourselves. Like you're pieces of who couldn't.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I lose every time here. I never do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you probably feel like buffoons. Like why did I even show up? This is stupid. The game's dumb. I don't like it and I'm not good at it because I'm losing so much in just four stories. Yeah, here's the good news. And you might not be aware of this. You might. Bonnie. You might not remember kp. You're brand new. Jeff.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

But you know, I just remembered for.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The.

[Jeff Ross]

Couple shot, double points is that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What she just remembered. Did Jeff win before?

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, what.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You piece of.

[Big J. Okerson]

What the fuck was that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

G. Mike.

[Louis J. Gomez]

G Mike. G. Mike. Get up on the stage. Let me smack your butt. The double G. Mike, stand here. Let me smack your bottom. For that there should be some sort of a punishment. There has to be a punishment for what you just did. You just played a non winner DP drop. Huh?

[Big J. Okerson]

You can say it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just played a false double points drop.

[Big J. Okerson]

Cj, you have to be a Story wars winner in order to trigger double points.

[Jeff Ross]

I mean, anything could happen. Now. I. I got cocky last round and I got. My face got told.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you're feeling good. You're feeling good. Mike, come up here and accept your spanking, please. What's wrong? Is your father in law watching? Get up here. You need to get a spanking shirt. You play DP for the Raw for not a winner.

[KP Burke]

Tell him to make a sudden move around the dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, Mike, come over here and act like you want to hit the dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll probably take the spanking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why are your employees not taking their spankings?

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't understand what's happening.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Michael. Yes.

[Big J. Okerson]

I thought it was like a silly thing you were saying.

[Jeff Ross]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Get up here and accept your spank. You do not. You do not play the music for someone who is not a story warrior. No, listen, everyone, including Lewis will agree I'm firm but fair.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

This. This is how the diddy freak off started. You know that, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, dude, I want to see you see that thing jiggle when I hit it. I. What is good to know is that this is still anybody's game because for the second half of the game, we go. Of course, double. Thank you, Roots. We'll be back right after these messages.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. My friends and I once covered our teacher's mailbox in chewed bubble gum for fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Man.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, my God.

[Big J. Okerson]

I mean, that's such a. That's such a chick Canadian prank.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's not me, it's kp.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I'm going back to Lewis. This is you.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

He did not have money for chewing gum.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This wasn't high level shit. This was like stuff you get like. This is like dried out stuff. You have to wet with your spit.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

To get it to chew parasites in it. Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

I mean, this just. This, this wouldn't have been a prank that me and my friends would.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure it would.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, we would throw eggs at a car or we would like knock on the door. Stupid idiots peep through our windows.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys are dumb bubblegum morons.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, is it you, Big J? Are you doing it again? Look at me. Tell me you never chewed chewing gum and then put it on a mailbox.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Never once.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

For fun. Who put that at the end? What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

This doesn't seem fun or funny.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, that's why they had to write.

[Big J. Okerson]

For fun, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We would cover their mailbox. First of all, I never knew where a teacher lived once in my life. Ever.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Well, yeah, at first I thought it was, like, you know, I don't know. I can't.

[Big J. Okerson]

I can't remember Bonnie on Legion of Tanks years ago, told, like, a story about her hanging out with her teacher inappropriately at a strip club.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

At a strip club? That wasn't like that. I ran over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were physically and emotionally molested by a T shirt. I always forget that about you because you seem so together at the time.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Now in adult eyes looking back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, he was hot.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It was bad, but at the time, I really. I thought it was cool. I thought I was like, this guy. This guy knows. Funny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I hate to pull us away from Louis, but this is probably Bonnie.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I just feel like you were like. He started seeing somebody else, and you were like, let's go cover his fucking mailbox. Bubble gum. Oh, I guess now he's. I am a fucking sophomore, and he's back on fucking freshman.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Let's keep that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys don't think it's hilarious that Bonnie was molested? Fucking grow up.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

That's rude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow, dude.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's. Cause there's too many dudes in here.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jeff, were you. Were you. Were you the type of person to do pranks when you were younger?

[Jeff Ross]

We did something similar, my friends and I. We. My friend. Hey, Mo, his dad was just. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, Mo.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, my God. He never got. He never got teased. He never did.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was he fat?

[Big J. Okerson]

My.

[Jeff Ross]

It was short for Hamowitz. And his dad thought everybody. He thought everybody was anti Semitic, so we would drive around and steal Christmas ornaments off people's lawns and put, like, 30 Santas and reindeer on Heymowitz's front yard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna suck on that piece of shit.

[Jeff Ross]

So, you know, I guess that's a little more of a prank than what this is. But if you're little and this doesn't have to be. Be a mailbox for mail, this could be a little mailbox in the classroom. This could be.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It seems like you know a lot about this mailbox.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, there's not a lot to go on here.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's the for fun. That's driving me nuts. Like, somebody wrote that out. And I was like, I don't know if they understand why we did it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I tell you this? I don't want to throw anybody any direction, but I will say the three dots is very me. I'm a big three. Doc.

[Big J. Okerson]

What is that called?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Ellipsis.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ellipsis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I didn't even know that. But I'm a big three dot. I never heard what you just said at all, ever. And I'd like to now use it and get mad at other people, and they don't know what that means. I'll be like, you never heard of that before, you stupid ass. But I'm a big three dots guy. I found out if I'm trying to text. Like, I talk. I talk a lot in three dots. Chewed bubble gum for fun. Oh, we cover mailbox in chewing gum.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm leaning. I'm leaning Bonnie. I think she's too stuck.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course you are. Because it's you. You.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I would never write for fun. I would never write it for fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is sticking in her ass too much. I believe her. This is Lewis J. Gomez and his stupid goth friends.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jay, this is. Yeah. Not what I would do with my friends. We used to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. You guys were waiting cooler than we were.

[Big J. Okerson]

Thieves. We weren't putting chew.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Totally. Oh, you guys were the badasses in the neighborhood.

[Big J. Okerson]

My vote is for Bonnie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, it's Lewis, though. Yeah, Bonnie. This does sound Canadian. Canadian chewed bubble gum. Ah, now I'm worried. It's Bonnie. It might be Bonnie.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex. All of her answers are in.

[Alex]

This story belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We did it.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

We did it for fun, not for evidence. We're trying to get a fingerprint off.

[Big J. Okerson]

They. We were leaving the movie theater and they were giving away whatever the bubble gum was. It was like samples, like individually wrapped sticks. It was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You couldn't afford gum. You had free giveaway gum.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, no, they were. It was like promotional. What was it? It was. It was like zebra themed gum. It had, like, stripes on it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, fruit stripe.

[Big J. Okerson]

It was Fruit Stripe gum. Yes. And we took hundreds of fruit stripes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a zebra.

[Big J. Okerson]

And then we just chewed them. Like. We just. Just put so many pieces in our mouths.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

We know how gum works. Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was true. He was giving you a fucking. He was giving you a walkthrough of gum.

[Big J. Okerson]

And then he had.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When you chew it, it gets hydrated and becomes chewy.

[Big J. Okerson]

You see, we showed up at one of my teachers houses and just took the entire wads. Like six of us had huge wads of gum and just wrapped her entire mailbox in it and then left it.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

And did she ever say anything? Was there any other.

[Big J. Okerson]

There was no payoff wow. At all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's like, I'm just gonna get the gum off.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

The gum is still there to this day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It still stays with Lewis. He wakes up.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, where are points at?

[Alex]

Tied for fourth place with three points each, KP Burke and Bonnie McFarlane.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Two dumb Irish.

[Alex]

In third place with eight points, Jeff Ross. In second place with nine points, Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's go, let's go.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't worry, K.P. bonnie. You guys are terrible. But just know that anything's possible with double points.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Also, he's gonna win the book and he can't even read.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Stop it. Stop that. Stop that shit right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's a fifth grade version. Bonnie, I got this. I know I got it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where are we at story number six?

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh yeah.

[Alex]

Story number six. While I was in high school, my college aged co worker took me to a Pearl Jam concert, got me drunk and did wild things to me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Bonnie. This is when Bonnie got by Professor James Dean.

[Alex]

This person, this person later went into the adult film industry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, that was my math teacher, Mandingo. I mean, if this isn't Bonnie, who, who. What is this braggadocious story anyway? She went on to be Jenna Jameson after she sucked me dry.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Men, men do go into the adult film industry as well.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, they end up in it. Women go into it.

[Big J. Okerson]

But wait a minute, is this. I'm reading this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In a weird way, Pearl Jam sucks enough to want to blow people for money.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, I was in high school. My college age, co worker took me to pronounce this. Could this be girl on girl sex?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

If you wanted to, but do it on your own time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can you explain it? Can you tell me how that might be slow.

[Big J. Okerson]

Got me drunk and did wild things in me. Sexual. I mean, if this is a dude, this dude sucks.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Why?

[Big J. Okerson]

Just fucking telling a jerk off story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh man, I got molested by a hot 32 year old when I was 19.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Dot, dot, dot. Fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Anyway, you might know her as Riley Reed right off.

[KP Burke]

Pearl Jam has to be playing during someone's high school era.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, correct.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. How old are you, KP?

[KP Burke]

37. I think I'm the youngest guy here.

[Big J. Okerson]

37.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, so this is Bonnie 100.

[KP Burke]

Getting fingered at a Pearl Jam concert.

[Big J. Okerson]

My son just got fingered at a Pearl Jam concert.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know but that was by you. You're trying. No. What do you want to learn out there in the world with scary people? I'm sorry.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, he just saw a Pearl Jam at Jazz Fest, so. This is any age. Can you go see a Pearl Jam.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Concert or get molested at one? This is Bonnie. Bonnie got molested by a co worker, the owner of the company she worked for.

[KP Burke]

Speak your truth.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

First of all, that's. That's not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure. All right, say no more. Sold. Ah, it's Lewis. He's holding off. He's waiting for everybody else to vote, so he never.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I've literally said KT every time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you couldn't see Pearl. I've said you never saw Pearl Jam during Pearl Jam. You were staring at a guy bush while you were sucking his.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what you think happened?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You never saw. You heard Pearl Jam, but you were looking at some teacher's beaver? A co worker. Sorry, college age co worker. You were raped. You're a victim. It's not your fault.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm going Bonnie. It just seems almost too obvious. But I'm gonna jerk off to the story later, pretending it's Bonnie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Either way, if it's kp, I'm jerking off to it.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Remember, Rich made me straight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, right. Fuck. All right. Ah, shit. Alex. Everybody's in.

[Alex]

Story number six belongs to kp. Burn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, no fucking way, dude. Kp, you got fucked by Mandingo.

[Jeff Ross]

Sure did, buddy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, is that. Come on. You're lying.

[KP Burke]

He bought me beer, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, I understand then.

[KP Burke]

This one was weird, man. It was my senior year of high school, and a girl I worked with at a pizza place was in college. She used to buy us beers. And she was a bit of a hoe. And she told me pretty. She was very pretty. And she's the. She told me I'm the only guy that ever looked at her like she was a person and not a thing.

[Big J. Okerson]

He was like, oh, what do you are a person. You're a lovely little girl.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're a lovely girl. Oh, I love you. Look at you being a person.

[Big J. Okerson]

She's such a person. I've never met a better person.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not just a hole for to dump their loads in. I think you're worth more. You're a fourleaf clover in my eyes. Sure, to the rest of the world, you're a gaping hole to dump their heat. And.

[KP Burke]

She.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It always becomes Italian.

[KP Burke]

She. She disappeared. I went into boot camp. And when I got out of boot camp, they give you your phone back. My Buddy. Greg calls me up. He goes, hey, man, we found her. She was disappearing for a while, and I said, oh, cool. What? You know, is there, like, arrangements being made? Is there a funeral? And he goes, can you get to interracial glory holes.com right now? And there she was, drywall and all, just doing it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. If you want to do Glory Hole, though, you're gonna want to do the dick that'll fit through the hole the most.

[KP Burke]

It's just common sense.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Interracial, for sure.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

KP loves, like, sex stories and funeral stories. Does he?

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you can overlap them, that's a across the room blast.

[KP Burke]

100%.

[Jeff Ross]

I like how vulnerable you're being in these stories.

[KP Burke]

I'm trying to bleed. I'm trying to bleed here, guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You are. You are.

[KP Burke]

It took more than just a wheel to entertain me as a kid, Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My mother was taking care of children downstairs while I was spitting in a chair like a retarded kid. It seems like retarded behavior, but I loved it. And I would be so bummed when someone would go, come on, it's time to go. And I go, ooh, I had so many more spins.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, after six stories, where are our points at?

[Alex]

All right. In last place with seven points, Bonnie McFarland.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I thought I won that one. I didn't get any points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No one's pulled ahead. Crazy.

[Alex]

In four place with eight points, Jeff Ross.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's all right there. Close game.

[Alex]

Tied for second place with nine points each. Big J. Okerson and K.P. burke.

[KP Burke]

I'm coming for Hulk. I'm coming for Hulk Hogan. I mean, Huck Finn. Yeah, that same guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Same thing.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This might be the tightest game we've ever had at this point. Absolutely. Where everybody's still this involved.

[Jeff Ross]

How many more stories?

[Big J. Okerson]

Two more.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Two more.

[Jeff Ross]

Anybody's game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Absolutely. Alex. Story number seven. Number.

[Alex]

Story number seven. In college, I was trying new creative outlets. I got to act out a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want you guys to know that Lewis is. And this is. I'm sorry to say it's on Pride Month, but Lewis is a theater faggot.

[Big J. Okerson]

To the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To the umpire. This guy can't wait to put on fishnets and prance around in front of other guys who like music. This is Lewis so hard.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

He was trying new creative outlets. Do you think that sounds like Louis?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Gay sex. No. Lewis likes to throw a lot of words in front of gay sex to make it sound like not gay sex.

[Big J. Okerson]

So by the time I was in college, I was already. I went to college for a year.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just long enough to try gay stuff.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, sorry.

[Big J. Okerson]

And yeah, I mean, at that point, I wasn't doing, like, theater stuff. But you can say this. I was a big Rocky Horror Picture show fan. I would dance and sing the songs with my sister.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis. Also, we found out earlier on Legion of Skanks was raped by his sister. Molested.

[Jeff Ross]

Kp. Kp, Where'd you go? Where'd you go to college?

[KP Burke]

The United States Navy. Also big on Rocky Horror. Yeah, big on Rocky Horror, too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, midnight showing everything on the poop deck.

[Big J. Okerson]

I mean, Jeff, where'd you go to college and when did you go to college?

[Jeff Ross]

Boston University, just a couple years ago.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nice.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Okay, Rocky Horror Picture show has been around.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, Rocky Horror. It's been around for a long time, but it was really big in, what, the 80s? Doing that, like, showing up at the theater and dressing up as the characters.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, can me and Lewis have popcorn? I've never wanted popcorn more, but they're. They're. God damn, they're loving it.

[Jeff Ross]

I had to ask for the popcorn, but an empty cup leaping over a German shepherd?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Jeff Ross]

Thanks, ma'.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Am.

[Jeff Ross]

Listen, really hooked me up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you feel like somebody should pay, you can have the dog bite Serafina's fucking arm off when she walks back here. This reeks of Lewis to me. I don't know, but saying the word creative outlet seems like way out of your smart dome, Jeff.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's definitely Jeff.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you saying? Oh, you're writing me. No, I can't see out of body. Oh, mate, man.

[Big J. Okerson]

They have Rocky Horror?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course they did. It's brand new.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Last year to someone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's Louis.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jay, you're giving up the opportunity.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, keep talking that.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think Jeff does a lot of the weird.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I do now. He loves.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

He loves treading the boards.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's Jeff.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's gonna write me again. This piece of. This guy doesn't play by the rules. And you told him the rules?

[Big J. Okerson]

I told him the rule.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I told. I was like, hey, I don't care about the rules.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Take away his points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are they popping the corn?

[Jeff Ross]

No, sorry, I came all over the thing. I was just cleaning up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's okay. That's okay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, make it official.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Jeff Ross.

[KP Burke]

What?

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, you said, do I lose points by saying me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a pull head right here, Jeff.

[Big J. Okerson]

So which character did you act out, Jeff?

[Jeff Ross]

Well, this was freshman year at Boston University. I already loved Rocky Har. Just from high school. Cause you could go in my town and watch the movie and it was fun and throw popcorn and stuff and. But then in college, someone said, do you want to be Frankenfooter? So I put on the Frankenfooter makeup and the stockings and I got to act it out. And I remember walking back through Kenmore square at like 2 in the morning with my roommate from Brooklyn, who didn't know me that well yet. And like, he. But he was kind of into it. He thought I was cool, that I was trying something wacky and different and. And some guy walking, some Boston townie walking through Kenmore Square is like, you know, basically calling me fucking disparaging names and oh, what are you doing? Rocky Horror, blah, blah, blah. And my Brooklyn roommate goes, hey, fuck you or I'll Rocky Horror your face. And that's when we became best friends till this day. Sweet trend.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

More stories like that when you go see Jeff perform Banana takes a ride.

[Jeff Ross]

Jeffross broadway.com.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, we're our points out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where's his popcorn?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard. Tied for fourth place with nine points each, Big J Okerson and K.P. burke.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nine points. We're in the game.

[Alex]

In third place with 11 points, Bonnie McFarland.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's the best I've ever done.

[Alex]

In second place with 12 points, Jeff Ross. And in the lead with 14 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm excited about Tom Sawyer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You should be. Tom Sawyer is a clever, rebellious boy who often finds himself in trouble, but always finds a way out through charm or cunning. His bond with Huck Finn, an outcast with a free spirit, leads them into a series of thrilling escapades, including witnessing a murder. What? And getting lost. Escapades and getting lost in a cave. Their adventure, you feel like the witnessing a murder would be paramount.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's like. And a cave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, because they witness a murder and then they saw a cave. Their adventures reflect a deeper journey of growing up and finding one's moral compass. Fifth grade reading level adventure. Tom Sawyer.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

This is it, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's about. Are you looking for the N word? You're a scanner. Whoa. Any. Everybody's still in this game. By far. Let's go. Story number eight.

[Alex]

Story number eight. I got banned from a comedy club because I got caught having sex in the green room.

[Big J. Okerson]

Look, we all have. This story hasn't been banned from a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me and l had sex in the green room together. Don't ask. Don't ask.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Well, you probably been banned from a lot of Clubs, Louis.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, just for my act, though.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bonnie, you're a green room. No, you're a backstage Bonnie.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

If I wasn't eating popcorn, I'd come back at you. Busy right now.

[Jeff Ross]

I'm surprised this one doesn't end with for fun.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Wait, whose was that? That was yours.

[KP Burke]

I'm a Jersey comic. So we just don't have green rooms at those clubs. It's just me in a VFW hall waiting for my name to get called.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jay, if you've been banned, have you been banned from a comedy club?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got my dick sucked. Distress factory. I think that's it.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I feel like this might be Jeff, but we just had Jeff, so now I don't know if they would do that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Could be two in a row, easily.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

You've done some. You've done some shady in comedy clubs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Absolutely.

[Big J. Okerson]

Guys, for the love of God, stop chewing into the microphones. Every one of you. It's insane.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I don't know. I don't know who it is, but.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lou is in such hot, salty popcorn.

[Big J. Okerson]

We have one story left. Wait 30 seconds to shovel popcorn in your face.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can't.

[Jeff Ross]

It's so good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want to, dude. I want to, but I can't.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's really good popcorn.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this is quietly KP Burke.

[Jeff Ross]

I'm ready to vote.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Really? I don't feel like. I know.

[Big J. Okerson]

I can see this being Bonnie, too. Bonnie is a no band.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You yuk yuks.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what she says when she sucks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're gonna suck it off a mountie in a yuck. Yucks.

[Big J. Okerson]

I mean, I can see it being Jeff. Jeff's been doing comedy for 70 years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Back when green rooms were green.

[Big J. Okerson]

But I can see this being a Bonnie McFarlane story. Bonnie, big J, you've got a wild side.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yes, I could be me, but it's not me.

[Big J. Okerson]

But, I mean, you should say that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, this could be Lewis, but I don't think he's banned from any club. I don't think he's banned from any club.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who rich?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

You rich? Richest band.

[Big J. Okerson]

Richest man from. For banging.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Just for being racist.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, I've never been banned from. I've had a couple. I've had a couple weekends canceled for being me, but not because of having sex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If this was Jeff, this would be a story that people like. It's like, why would Jeff be banned from a club?

[Jeff Ross]

I. Plenty of people in comedy club green rooms. I've never been banned for it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's.

[Jeff Ross]

That's my point.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'VE never been.

[Jeff Ross]

I feel like, I feel like they would have just used this as an excuse to. Man. Lewis.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

So I've already wrote Lewis down.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, guys, no, no, somebody's going to. Guys, no. Guys, somebody's cleaning up. No, J, I mean, you know me, dude. If I've been banned from a comedy club, you would know better than anybody else in the world.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know this bullshit ass place you play. I. You literally, I do feel like I would know if you had a hand.

[Big J. Okerson]

From a club, you would know it. I would know it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let me fucking drink some popcorn.

[Jeff Ross]

On a hot day. I love a big glass of popcorn.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm gonna go with my original instinct going, bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie Mac.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be some kind of a weird like the. The Ice Pick. Haha's Ice Pick up in Saskatchewan, Canada. She's from a place where she could have done a lot of fucking in comedy clubs and got.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Why would they ban a girl?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, Mrs. Lewis. You deplorable piece of. Think I'm mad? This might be. I think it's his body. Fuck. Lewis, if you talk me out of you, I'm gonna slug you in the chops. Don't get mad at me. You deserve it. You're a liar.

[Big J. Okerson]

If. If it's me and you change it for me, you're giving up your victory. But it's not me, dude. So you're gonna. If you. If you vote me and it's Bonnie, I think she might end up winning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, I freak out. What do I do?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Put, put, put me. Cuz I. I don't want you winning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What do I do? Miss? You look like a local dentist. You look like a local dental hygienist. I'm not asking you. Dominican and American flagshirt. You just try not to get catapulted over a wall. Miss, you have called the cops on several young black women trying to sell lemonade outside of your apartment building. What? Who do you think this is? Please, Lewis.

[Big J. Okerson]

J, J, listen to me. This, this woman is fucking retarded.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's retarded.

[Big J. Okerson]

Look at her face.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's fucking retarded. You're right.

[Big J. Okerson]

Big fool, that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't even know. Why did I ask a retard that question? Lewis, tell me who's not retarded here?

[Big J. Okerson]

I would say this guy right here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't mean that. Right there. You don't mean that at all.

[Big J. Okerson]

He has the answer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, this guy, he's already killed.

[Jeff Ross]

He'll kill again.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sir, who do you think it is.

[Jeff Ross]

I think it's Bonnie.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think it's Bonnie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It means nothing to me. Miss, you have tit tattoos. You make aggressive young decisions.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

It's newest because it's. If anybody doesn't guess him, he wins.

[Alex]

And that's why he's acting so hard.

[Big J. Okerson]

Miss. Miss, you are. You are a dumb.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's my view.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, somebody. Somebody lost. Oh, boy.

[Big J. Okerson]

I mean, I probably still lost because all of you idiots gave somebody else all the points that it might be Jay. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Either way, he's in ecstasy with this popcorn right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know he had hot popcorn here.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, all of our answers are in. Let them know who it isn't.

[Alex]

The final story belongs to Bonnie McFarlane.

[Big J. Okerson]

You idiots. You stupid fools.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've been drinking popcorn all night. You know, I'm not fucking thinking clear.

[Jeff Ross]

Was this in Canada?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

No, it was in New Jersey. I can't remember the name of the club.

[KP Burke]

Rascals.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Rascals. Yes, it was. It was with kp. It was with kp. What was my story?

[Big J. Okerson]

You got banned from Rascals for banging West Orange?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yes. We. We were trying. When we first met, we tried to have sex in every comedy club that we could.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You get the seller in? The seller has the room.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Seller's old hat, but yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

But Rich didn't get banned because he went and apologized. He like, oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's just being a guy.

[Big J. Okerson]

You were being sex with Bonnie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She says something's hotter than you were being a slutty pig and he was just being a guy.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Yeah, he couldn't help it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You understand that now, I assume.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I think I could have got back in if I'd apologized, but I was like, yeah. And then did go under pretty quickly after that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You've apologized for Rich yourself in Amir several times.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex.

[Jeff Ross]

I just picture you and Rich with the. With the MC just watching.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I didn't. I didn't want that part to come out, but thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's fair.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's the one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This could be.

[Big J. Okerson]

I have no idea.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A wild shakeup.

[Big J. Okerson]

So, Alex, after our final score.

[Jeff Ross]

Wait, who caught you? Like, what happened?

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Oh, just the manager came in, and then we.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You saw Voss's nuts. Oh, shit.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My bad. I usually get hotter than this.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Bang, bang, bang.

[Jeff Ross]

And he pointed to his never again tattoo.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

He just closed the door and then raised.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She means nothing to me.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

That's so true. He's like, I'll take the door.

[Alex]

Deal.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Whatever you want.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll do a guarantee.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, Alex, what are our final points at?

[Alex]

All right, our final scores. In fourth place, tied with nine points each. Big J Okerson and K.P.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

Burke.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All about showing up, bringing the laughs.

[Alex]

In third place, with 12 points, Jeff Ross.

[Big J. Okerson]

Very respectable.

[Alex]

There's a one point difference between second place and first place. But your winner tonight with 18 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bonnie, right there. Holy.

[Bonnie McFarlane]

I'll never get to say double points.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, but it does rule to say double.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Holy shit. Lewis, you are taking home the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, written for a fifth grader. You're gonna do so good with this. You're gonna pass this pop quiz with ease. I know it. What an amazing show. How about a big round of applause for all of our contestants here tonight on Story Awards. K.P. burke, Bonnie McFarlane, Jeff Ross. August 5th Premiere Star Preview Start. Take a Banana for the Ride. Coming on Broadway. I'm gonna be there. Jeff, let me in.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you, bud. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna make a real scene outside. Thank you all so much for hanging out here on Story Wars. We will catch you guys next time. Until then, thank you so much.