053. Josh Barnett, Sarah Tollemache & Tristan Bowling | Happiness

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz – Episode 053: Josh Barnett, Sarah Tollemache & Tristan Bowling | Happiness

Release Date: August 8, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 053 of Story Warz, hosted by Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez from the GaS Digital Network, the comedians welcome guests Josh Barnett, a former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Sarah Tollemache from the Lady Journal podcast, and Tristan Bowling of the Modern Apes podcast. The live episode, recorded at The Stand Comedy Club in New York City, delves into the theme of "Happiness", blending humor, storytelling, and witty banter.

Game Overview

Story Warz is a game of deceptive storytelling where each participant submits personal stories related to a specific theme—in this case, happiness. The panel listens to these stories and attempts to identify the true author while others try to deceive them by presenting fabricated tales. Points are awarded for correct guesses and successful deceptions.

Story 1: The Midnight Ice Run

• Host Introduction: The show kicks off with the explanation of the game rules and introduces the first story.

• Story Presentation: One of the participants narrates a humorous anecdote about rushing through hotel hallways in underwear to access an ice machine in the middle of the night.

• Discussion & Guessing:

  • Josh Barnett confidently claims the story as his own, providing a playful exaggeration of the scenario.
  • Luis J. Gomez and Big Jay Oakerson debate the authenticity, with Gomez leaning towards Tristan as the storyteller.

• Notable Quote:

  • Josh Barnett (04:17): “I did not end up. I got the ice. It just felt so good... having the time of my life.”

• Outcome: Josh Barnett successfully claims the story, earning initial points.

Story 2: The Middle School Conflict

• Story Presentation: A tale of confrontations in middle school leading to years of hidden resentment and a mysterious death.

• Discussion & Guessing:

  • Luis J. Gomez suspects Big Jay due to his storytelling style.
  • Big Jay counters by highlighting his own experiences and downplaying his involvement.

• Notable Quote:

  • Luis J. Gomez (26:35): “This just is not Josh's story. That's one thing I'm sure of.”

• Outcome: The story is correctly attributed to Luis J. Gomez, solidifying his position in the game.

Mid-Episode Highlights

• Scoreboard Update: Josh Barnett leads with four points, followed by Luis J. Gomez with three, and Big Jay Oakerson with two. Sarah Tollemache and Tristan Bowling are yet to score.

• Sponsor Breaks: The hosts briefly mention sponsors like Chef IQ and Body Brain Coffee, integrating promotional content seamlessly into the conversation.

Story 3: Witnessing Birth and Tragedy

• Story Presentation: A poignant recount of witnessing a childbirth juxtaposed with an unexpected tragic event.

• Discussion & Guessing:

  • Sarah Tollemache emerges as the likely storyteller due to the emotional depth of the narrative.
  • Luis J. Gomez contests, suggesting it might belong to Big Jay.

• Notable Quote:

  • Sarah Tollemach (81:25): “We befriended this Mexican guy that can't get back into the US because he got arrested for selling coke.”

• Outcome: Sarah Tollemache triumphs, earning significant points and advancing her position in the game.

Final Stories and Tiebreakers

• Subsequent Stories: The guests share various stories ranging from humorous escapades in Mexico to personal anecdotes involving family and mishaps.

• Tensions Rise: As the game progresses, playful tensions and friendly rivalries surface, especially between Luis J. Gomez and Big Jay Oakerson, adding to the dynamic atmosphere.

• Notable Interaction:

  • Luis J. Gomez (116:15): “I swear to God. That is not me.”
  • Big Jay Oakerson (113:00): “I knew you have a hemorrhoid problem.”

Final Score and Conclusion

After a series of engaging and often outrageous stories, the scoreboard reflects a close competition:

• Josh Barnett: 12 Points
• Luis J. Gomez: 11 Points
• Big Jay Oakerson: 12 Points
• Sarah Tollemache: 16 Points
• Tristan Bowling: 8 Points

Winner: Sarah Tollemache clinches the episode with 16 points, earning a copy of "The Blind Side" by Michael Lewis from the Story Wars library.

Closing Remarks: The hosts express their appreciation for the guests and encourage listeners to engage with their various projects and upcoming shows. The episode wraps up on a high note, celebrating Sarah's victory and the lively interactions that made the episode memorable.

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Key Takeaways

• Engaging Format: The interactive storytelling game fosters humorous and insightful exchanges among participants.

• Dynamic Interactions: The blend of competitive spirit and camaraderie among comedians and guests enhances the entertainment value.

• Humor with Edge: While the show maintains a comedic tone, it sometimes ventures into edgy and controversial humor, reflecting the hosts' distinct styles.

Conclusion

Episode 053 of Story Warz exemplifies the show's unique blend of storytelling, comedy, and friendly competition. With notable personalities like Josh Barnett and Sarah Tollemache, the episode delivers a mix of laughter, tension, and unexpected revelations, all centered around the universal theme of happiness.

Transcript

[Luis J. Gomez]

Skankfest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the legion of skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy fighting, music, and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[Big J Okerson]

Great news, everybody. Story wars merch store now up and functioning. Everyone get your goddamn merch right now.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Represent the show that you love. Show that you are yourself a story warrior. We got T shirts, we got hoodies, maybe socks one day. StoryWarsMerch.com is the way butt plugs that.

[Big J Okerson]

Thing you can put inside of a woman and you control it from your phone.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The Story wars breakfast cereal. The Story wars flamethrow. Go to storywarsmerch.com and grab your merch today. What's going on, Story Warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's fun face new yorkcomedyclub.com all right, story warriors, before we get into our show, I want to let you know that today's show is sponsored by yocratum.com Yourcratum.com is home of the 60 kilo. And, and I'll tell you right now, if you're looking to get into Kratom, don't. But if you're already into kratom, yo, kratom.com has you covered.

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, do not get mixed up with Kratom. But if you do, daddy, these ones are the ones to do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. You feel this? This is pure Colombian gold.

[Big J Okerson]

You'll be coming back. You'll sell your child.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Here, take a taste. Just a little taste. This one's on me.

[Big J Okerson]

The first one you could just have. Baby, I just want you to know if you like it or not.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, you do. Of course you do.

[Big J Okerson]

Cool, baby. Oh, you like it? That's such a rare reaction.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Feels like a warm hug from your grandma.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my. Look at you. You look better. You feel better. You sound cooler.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're in a pile of your own.

[Big J Okerson]

You're in a pile of your own. You screaming for parents that aren't alive.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yo. Kratom.com kilo all right, let's start the show.

[Tristan Bowling]

Fill her up.

[Big J Okerson]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network, ladies and gentlemen, in Story wars with.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

What is up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars. Make some noise in here. What do you need?

[Luis J. Gomez]

York Comedy Club. We are back live here at the New York Comedy Club, New York City. Our first show back after a month. Thank you for being here, guys. Let's go. Let's go.

[Big J Okerson]

How many people we asked? This is our first time back in a few weeks live. And how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Beautiful.

[Big J Okerson]

That feels good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. How many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars? This couple right here. That's it.

[Big J Okerson]

They are very attractive couple, very hot couple. They just have to do anything. They just have to do anything in the world to keep their hands off each other for five seconds. Oh, my God. They're like, I'm starting to chafe. We have to go to a show.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I just want to watch. I. I would want put you guys on the stage tonight. You guys are so hot, I'll give you $1,000 to let me watch you fuck Story Wars. We sexually harassed the audience. That's the whole.

[Big J Okerson]

Show me your penis, dude. Well, you don't just attack the women. What do you say we get our panel out here?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Let's get our panel. We'll explain how the show works.

[Big J Okerson]

We'll explain the game. For those of you who are unaware, you want to introduce our first guest?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sure. Our first contestant on the show making his Story wars debut, former UFC Heavyweight champion. And you guys know him from a GCW bloodsport. Clap it up for Josh Barnett. Come.

[Josh Barnett]

Nobody knows me from any of that.

[Big J Okerson]

That's not true at all.

[Josh Barnett]

Everybody knows me from occasional appearances on Joe Rogan, and they act like I've never been on the show before. They also don't know me as being a buddy of yours.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, no, now they do. Now they know we're.

[Josh Barnett]

And my reputation is forever tainted.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you don't want to associate with me. It's a bad idea.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm one of his best friends in the world. For the longest time. I had no idea he knew you until you just said that right there. I thought it was a blind booking. That was awesome. You, Josh Barnett, you should be close.

[Josh Barnett]

To the vest, you know.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, our second guest. Well, I do know her, and she loves me. You know her from the Lady Journal podcast. How about it for the Hilarious. Sarah Tollemach. Thank you.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I don't know if you guys. I feel like your demographic does not listen to Lady Journey.

[Big J Okerson]

What? That's not true at all.

[Josh Barnett]

My uterus has never been happier.

[Big J Okerson]

No, there's plenty. This couple listens to it together.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Between.

[Big J Okerson]

Coming up for air from Hot Sloppy Sex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She makes him listen to Lady Journey while a black guy fucks her.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Right?

[Big J Okerson]

That's as you should. Yeah. That's its own genre on pornhub.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Our third guest. And our third guest also making his story wars debut from his podcast, the Modern Apes. Clap it up for Tristan Bowling.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on. What a panel. Good to see you all. Thank you all for being here. Now, as we always say, for the people listening at home who don't know the show or if you're here and this couple, I'll explain the game. Story war is a very, very simple game. Everybody on this panel, all five us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. And today's subject is happiness.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I forgot that I write that down.

[Josh Barnett]

Something nobody's gonna have after tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This was a way tougher subject than I thought it was gonna be. I realize how sad my childhood was when I was trying to come up with happy memories for today's show.

[Josh Barnett]

At least it's entertaining.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it will be entertaining, for sure. Alex, our lovely producer, will read off those stories one at a time. Eight of them, in fact. And when it comes up on the screen, if it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it is your job to trick everybody to think that it is not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

[Big J Okerson]

You said big energy to me backstage. You came in like the guy who talks in Boyz II Men songs. If you want to jot it down on the thing, you could do it. Then slide it over over here, baby.

[Luis J. Gomez]

For every person, for every story you guess correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. When you write the your answer on this dry erase board and put the dry erase board right here in the slot, that is your final answer. Once you remove your hand, you can't change it. And I'll tell you right now, this game is so much fun, you guys. You're going to have a lot of fun tonight. The whole panel is going to have a lot of fun tonight. But we're not playing for fun. Jay, let Em. Know what we're playing for, Louis?

[Big J Okerson]

Let me tell you something, brother. Over here at Story Wars. Every week we are playing for a book from our Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home a copy of the Blind side by Michael Lewis. The Blind side tells the true story of Michael Oher, an urban teenager surviving on the streets of Memphis with no stability, no support, and no plan. Everything changes when he is taken in and eventually adopted by a wealthy white family who helps him rewrite his future.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It doesn't say white family.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what it is, though. They were white. That's the whole thing. Michael Lewis weaves together heart, grit, and a second chance in a story that's about way more than football. It's a modern American parable about belonging, belief, and the power of being truly seen. It's up in the air right now. It's up in the air. Very. That was very. That was very beautiful, what you just did right there.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And before we start today's show, I just want to ask my. My producers, where the fuck is the Story wars bookshelf? Where is it?

[Alex]

So, unfortunately, in the time that we weren't here over the last few weeks.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Alex]

The property manager or a landlord or something allowed it all to be thrown away.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The Jews. You could have just said the Jews came, Alex.

[Alex]

No one's even know how to break it to you. We were. We didn't want to put you in a bad mood before the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, every book?

[Alex]

Every signed book. No, the. The championship belt.

[Big J Okerson]

The story was all about.

[Alex]

Everything's gone.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And it's been a heat wave for.

[Josh Barnett]

The past three days, too, and they didn't sell it.

[Big J Okerson]

Man, I wanna. I wanna have a great show, but that's a real issue.

[Josh Barnett]

That's huge.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I shouldn't have asked. It's just. I saw no bookshelf when he said Story wars library. I'm really bummed out, man.

[Big J Okerson]

Me and Lewis, our energy's about to become so low.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, man, we can do it. We have a lot of energy. I'm not pissed at all.

[Josh Barnett]

There goes the happiness, man.

[Big J Okerson]

That's totally cool. All of our stuff, and we have.

[Alex]

A new bookshelf on the way. But the books are irreplaceable.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, we were gonna auction those books for cancer kids. New York Comedy Club doesn't care about cancer kids. You heard it here first.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tweet it, hashtag it, tag him, put it on Reddit.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That. That's.

[Big J Okerson]

Are you ready for war? I'm ready. Oh, you fuck.

[Josh Barnett]

Well, you know what, Timmy's not ready for bone marrow anymore.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I hope he's not. Sorry, dude. Put your house in order, Timmy. No one's going to hit you a home run and allegiance. Gangs aren't going to cure your weird kid disease.

[Josh Barnett]

John Cena's not showing up to give you a fucking stunner or whatever because.

[Big J Okerson]

The New York comedy club threw out all of our. Who. What? How did it happen? Oh, this championship belt's probably just trash. Read the inscription or something.

[Tristan Bowling]

On a scale from zero to Palestine, how mad are you right now?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, dude. Palestine, October 6th.

[Tristan Bowling]

When Hamas was hamasing.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm ready to do something. Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That'S crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm ready to descend on their fucking comedy clubs, on fanboats or whatever the. Those things were in the sky.

[Josh Barnett]

Paragliders.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, paragliders.

[Tristan Bowling]

No showing up in the bayou.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know if those things are weight appropriate for me, but I'm going to be coming in real low under radar. I don't.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't want to.

[Josh Barnett]

Map of the earth.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We have to move on from this very quickly here. But I. I can't. I can't wrap my brain around why the Jewish landlords. That's redundant.

[Josh Barnett]

I know.

[Big J Okerson]

Jews are the lords of the land.

[Josh Barnett]

You know, it's kind of funny that the Puerto Rican is going after the Jews. It sounds like this is going to become West Side Story 2 or something.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Dude, what is this going to end up in?

[Big J Okerson]

Me and Lewis are destined to end in a fucking dance battle.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

You stole my new shoes in the matching laces.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are they. I mean, are they apologetic? Are they doing anything to. I mean, these books are priceless. These are the story wars library signed.

[Big J Okerson]

By everybody who did the shows.

[Josh Barnett]

They're probably in the tunnel.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Go get it.

[Josh Barnett]

Next to the soiled mattress.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that's right. When they have to restart society, they're gonna have other books.

[Tristan Bowling]

They wrote in my. They wrote in my meshug in a book. What do I do with this?

[Big J Okerson]

This one's been approved by Mike Feeney.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They got books. They got books. They got a bookshelf.

[Big J Okerson]

I got a book, and it goes in the peeping book.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, we are racist.

[Big J Okerson]

I can't believe. I can't believe we haven't started the show yet. I'm so upside down with anger.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're gonna have to edit all of this out because the Jews at YouTube are gonna get pissed.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, more like JewTube. And I'll tell you this. Hey, hey. They're suppressing millions of my views. About 6 right I know they are.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's the worst thing they've done in the past six months.

[Big J Okerson]

Easy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war? Jay's so bummed right now.

[Big J Okerson]

I gotta keep my eyes on the prize, baby.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Why keep your eye on the prize? You're just throw it in the fucking garbage.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I hope one of you guys wins this. Cause this thing is getting hucked into the fucking wet street after we walk out of here, apparently.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm pissed. All right. I'm gonna shake. We're shaking it, baby. We're going.

[Big J Okerson]

We're moving. No, I'm actually fine. I'm good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The stand would have never done this to us. The stand would have shown us respect. No, no, they would have never paid us. But let's give.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's have credit where credit's due. At one point, Legion of skanks. One of our table decorations was the ass. If you remember, it was sent. It was a big rubber ass.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Slash, vagina hole. That just sat in, like a doggy style position on table.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's very hot, and if you wet.

[Big J Okerson]

Your hand enough, you can punch right into the asshole. Or it's the stress ball of my demographic. And then one day they go, oh, I just. I don't know. It disappeared. Like, did it? No.

[Alex]

Same thing with the sword.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, they did? Yeah. They just threw out our sword.

[Tristan Bowling]

No, it's one guy who has a.

[Big J Okerson]

Sick fucking room dud. You guys want to see my sword?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Well, I'm fucking a pussy.

[Josh Barnett]

Tally ho.

[Tristan Bowling]

You know he can punch in the ass, right?

[Big J Okerson]

He's got his fist in its ass. He's holding a sword. He's fucking it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, that guy rules.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war?

[Big J Okerson]

Alexandra, without any further ado, story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. I had a craving for some ice while on Mali at a hotel. I set out for the ice machine, but I ended up running through the hallways in the middle of the night in nothing but my underwear.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Happiness.

[Tristan Bowling]

You don't know how they were running. Could have been without a care in the world.

[Big J Okerson]

This could be a Lewis story. What's striking me here is middle of the night. You're not a middle of the night guy at all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay. Jay, if you listen to story wars, it's in history. It's like, because people do analytics on it now and, like, Reddit, and they, like, come up with charts and shit.

[Big J Okerson]

What do you study him, like a fucking offensive lineman?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Something like 77% of the time. Jay starts off by going, I think this is Louis's story.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I can't believe it's that low.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Is Jay like a night owl type person?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's not a. Well, he did have a Molly addiction for a good year.

[Big J Okerson]

That's not even sort of true.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You could have stopped anytime you want.

[Big J Okerson]

He said, sure. I mean, you're talking about a year that I did it maybe like six times that year.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, stop.

[Josh Barnett]

Molly in one night.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're on camera six times.

[Josh Barnett]

Six times, Molly.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Six times. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, yes, yes. Easy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was a Molly era in our life.

[Big J Okerson]

I think you were doing it way more than me. Probably. We had tried to drag me into a thing. I'm like, no, I did it a couple times.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex. He was doing it more than me. Right.

[Alex]

Jay, what you're saying is crazy. I feel like you were the Mali ringleader.

[Big J Okerson]

We knew where to get it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you.

[Big J Okerson]

No, there's some Indian guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This guy.

[Big J Okerson]

There he is. Tell him I only did it six times, man.

[Josh Barnett]

It looks like he would have some good Molly.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, hell yeah, dude. That guy's a DJ in 18 countries.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, this seems like Tristan's young. He's good looking, partying dude.

[Tristan Bowling]

I would be. My body's so crazy. I would look terrifying running through the hallway. I'm mostly arms and legs, dude. I would look like a cryptid.

[Josh Barnett]

I sure did.

[Tristan Bowling]

Like, I have a mothman physique. It's bad. And also, I do antidepressants, so Molly just straight up doesn't work. Fun fact.

[Big J Okerson]

That's also why. That's also why I didn't do it a ton either. I was never really getting where everybody else was. Yeah, because of Lexapro.

[Tristan Bowling]

I know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

What a bummer.

[Big J Okerson]

It's Sarah. It's Sarah Tollemach.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry. The topic was happiness. I didn't know it was gayness.

[Big J Okerson]

Sarah has a sloppy Molly addiction that she still struggles with every day.

[Sarah Tollemach]

It's the one thing I can't give up.

[Big J Okerson]

She spends ample time in her hotel in her underwear.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, this is definitely not Sarah's. Or if there's. If there's anybody on this panel, I don't believe it's Sarah. Sarah, have you ever done Molly?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Because this is. Well, she could be playing the game. Good, because I don't think we would assume this, but you're right. I don't know Sarah's young, wild years.

[Luis J. Gomez]

When was the last time you did Molly?

[Sarah Tollemach]

04. That's why I feel like people are.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Laughing at your nerdiness. They're like, what a loser.

[Big J Okerson]

How Old. How old were you in 04? Oh.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Oh, 24, I think.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, right.

[Josh Barnett]

Molly age.

[Tristan Bowling]

They had Molly back then.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They did?

[Tristan Bowling]

Well, did they call it Molly?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[Josh Barnett]

Proto Molly.04.

[Tristan Bowling]

I was like 5.

[Big J Okerson]

Right.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I am old.

[Tristan Bowling]

You're not. I'm just stupid. I don't know. Drug history.

[Sarah Tollemach]

What are you guys doing these days? Fentanyl.

[Tristan Bowling]

Not like Jankum and.

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan.

[Josh Barnett]

White dog.

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan's young. Doesn't. I don't think you have a ton of hotel experience stories yet, do you?

[Tristan Bowling]

No. Most of the time I'm in a hotel. Is like with my parents and we're at Disney.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, that's what I was.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's when I crank up the.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm Mickey Mouse.

[Big J Okerson]

Now. Can I tell you? Let me give you an explanation for why I'm going to say this is 100% who I know it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Who you know, absolute 100%. This a lot of hotels, right? Traveling around for fighting.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Right.

[Big J Okerson]

You're constantly trying to maintain a weight so you'd get a craving for something gay as ice.

[Josh Barnett]

How much I fucking weigh? Like my weight class.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm talking about when you fought Phantom underneath it.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Would they be fighting if they're doing Molly all the time?

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[Sarah Tollemach]

You think?

[Big J Okerson]

What, they're not checking for that in your pee? And then also a body good enough to go, I'm just going to walk to get ice in my underwear if anyone sees. Who gives a shit? Look at this body because I'll destroy.

[Tristan Bowling]

Them with my hands. What is he going to.

[Big J Okerson]

Please, by all means, say something about my weird boner in my underwear while I'm getting ice out of a machine with my hand.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hands.

[Big J Okerson]

N. I'm wrong. It's Lewis.

[Sarah Tollemach]

It's got to be a guy.

[Big J Okerson]

77% of the time. It's Lewis.

[Josh Barnett]

I actually wouldn't have chose Lewis myself.

[Luis J. Gomez]

When's the last time you did Molly? Josh.

[Josh Barnett]

God, it's been a really long time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Since Sarah was 4.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Right.

[Josh Barnett]

I don't know. Yeah, I'm. She's definitely younger than me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Maybe.

[Josh Barnett]

No, I'm just. I'm not gonna tell a woman next to me that she's older than.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sarah's older than you. Sarah's older than you think.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. Just. You know, you could floss your teeth with her husband.

[Tristan Bowling]

How old?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Right?

[Josh Barnett]

I'm gonna say she is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No. Sarah presents as young. They didn't laugh hard enough at that, though, I guess. She.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Low.

[Big J Okerson]

Mid 30s.

[Sarah Tollemach]

No. 47.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. She's almost.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Same age.

[Big J Okerson]

Same age.

[Sarah Tollemach]

If that was true, we're all aging the same.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Lewis is gonna lose, is Puerto Rican. So he's gonna hang in there real good for a while.

[Josh Barnett]

He's gonna look good for a long time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, I am getting the voting started. It's very obviously Tristan Young Fun having a party in his undies.

[Josh Barnett]

I'm imagining it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm turned on right now. Let's get Tristan with this couple later on. I got another thousand dollars on it. Tristan's my final answer.

[Josh Barnett]

I'm going. Big J. With all the Molly talk earlier about him and dealing.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J would never go in his underwear to get some ice.

[Big J Okerson]

Someone's cleaning up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There's no. It's not happening.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm going, Louis, because you chose me. And also, I could see you being freaky in Jamaica. Absolutely shocking. All the people resort.

[Big J Okerson]

This is. This is more of a strategic guess.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay. You. You idiot. You're such a fool.

[Big J Okerson]

It's been a few weeks. You don't lie to me on the show.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Right?

[Big J Okerson]

Final answer, Luis J. Gomez. All the answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

Wow, you guys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow. You guys.

[Alex]

This story belongs to Josh Barnett.

[Big J Okerson]

I said he was on an ice diet.

[Josh Barnett]

I did not end up. I got the ice.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, nice.

[Josh Barnett]

I got the ice. It just. It felt so fucking good. Running down these air conditioned hallways in your underwear. Yeah, that. That concept of happiness was in full effect.

[Big J Okerson]

Does anybody stop you or try to?

[Josh Barnett]

No. In fact, I didn't see a fucking soul. It would have been way better if I had and I would have something to report back. But instead it was just my 250 some pound ass flying up and down the hallways, having the time of my fucking life. There was a security guard, bucket of ice in my hands.

[Big J Okerson]

There's a security guard who lifted his hat to look at the camera for a minute, went, nah, nah, I'm not with that.

[Josh Barnett]

Forget it. I mean, it was insane.

[Big J Okerson]

I look like I tuck her out. He'll tuck her himself out.

[Josh Barnett]

It was in Seattle many, many, many moons ago. But even then we still had weirdos running up and down the place.

[Big J Okerson]

So God damn.

[Josh Barnett]

They're like, nah, not this one.

[Big J Okerson]

A clean sweep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow. Alex Blair clean sweep. That's crazy.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard, in first place with four points, Josh Barnett.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Nice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We are failing.

[Josh Barnett]

Unlike Red Band. I actually used the napkin you gave me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nice. Where he was using fingers.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, I mean, I'm surprised red man didn't lick it off.

[Big J Okerson]

We all.

[Josh Barnett]

I've heard expo markers get you a little buzz.

[Big J Okerson]

That's Fucking crazy.

[Josh Barnett]

I know that fucker really well.

[Big J Okerson]

Clean sweep. Josh Barnett. Alex. Story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. A kid beat me up in middle school. When I heard about him dying later in life, it made me genuinely happy.

[Big J Okerson]

So far it's 100 Lewis to me.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, I mean, that's a tough one. It's so short and succinct.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, this reeks of Lewis to me. Damn it. Lewis would celebrate another person's death merrily.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But getting beat up, I could easily see that. I've seen you. Sorry, Josh.

[Josh Barnett]

I've seen you box.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I just don't get beat up.

[Big J Okerson]

Not in middle school. You went to an all girls middle school. Your mom made you dress like a woman to get in. It was like the reverse of that movie. Just one of the guys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I can see this being Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

Could you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Beat up. No, I'm kidding. For sure. Yeah. And I'm sure I could be cold enough to be like, oh, that guy died. Killer. That's great.

[Luis J. Gomez]

For sure. I can completely wrap my head around this thought process.

[Big J Okerson]

Right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This just is not Josh's story. That's one thing I'm sure of.

[Josh Barnett]

You're pretty positive. You're pretty right there.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. It's not Josh's. Now, Sarah, you should have.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, here's the problem. I mean, listen, I guess because women are vicious.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dude, that's what I was gonna beat up. A chick that gets beat up, she will wish.

[Big J Okerson]

Middle school is middle school. And age work. What grades are there? What ages? Is that where a guy can beat up a girl?

[Luis J. Gomez]

6Th, 7th, 8th grade.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Girls can beat up other girls?

[Big J Okerson]

No, but this is. Here's the problem. It might be a mistake that was made in the changing. Him dying later implies to God.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, you fucking idiot. You absolute asshole.

[Tristan Bowling]

Guys can still beat up girls in middle school.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought that was cool. I mean.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, nobody ever. I got kind of frowned upon when I punched women. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Cause you're good at it.

[Josh Barnett]

And middle school is a bit sloppy, I have to admit.

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan might be built where he punched a girl and she did the Van Damme. Like look at her lip. Blood. And look at him. Like now you're about to get crosses.

[Josh Barnett]

Her arms flying kicks over the motorcycle.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I just hit girls with like over the hand. World star hip hop. Only wrist connecting shots.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, wow. I really thought it was Sarah until I.

[Sarah Tollemach]

My. My bully's still alive.

[Big J Okerson]

I just.

[Tristan Bowling]

Your husband? Yeah, I just.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I married him.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

She sees him every day.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I mean, going in the inside.

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan scrawny kid. I'm sure in middle school. He's a smart ass, funny. Which will tend to make you friends and then make someone who doesn't like you at all really hate your guts. And you can get bullied. For that reason, I'm voting for Tristan.

[Tristan Bowling]

Let me tell you, you're giving away points. You're all fools. I did not. First off, I never got bullied. I've always been a genius.

[Big J Okerson]

As a boy genius. You would never.

[Tristan Bowling]

As a boy genius. Every teacher was sucking my dick, regardless of gender or creed. Nah, this just never happened to me. I feel like whenever I look back on my bullies and I realize that I was a pussy. So I gotta be like, ah, I gotta give them their own. If I saw me, I'd beat me up, too.

[Big J Okerson]

Also, also, your bully would be still pretty young, so that would be a pretty vicious death to be celebrated.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, It'd be like car accidents.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis's bully could have died for. From natural causes or stage four.

[Tristan Bowling]

He died in the Marines.

[Big J Okerson]

Prostate cancer. Yeah. He died in the first Gulf War. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

It could be just bad Molly or.

[Big J Okerson]

Could be just bad Molly. Okay.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I mean, aren't you from Arizona?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I feel like people die young in Arizona.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Heat stroke, dry heat, and Heroin.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. I'm 27. I should be a grandpa where I come from.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Right?

[Big J Okerson]

It could be Josh back to back, but I.

[Josh Barnett]

It's not.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Josh was like, he wouldn't be happy about this. No. But there's got to be an origin story.

[Josh Barnett]

I would be fucking delighted. Whenever I was put out a fucking Thanksgiving post, it was like, you know what? I am thankful for the day that I can see all my enemies crushed underfoot. So that is a real thing for me. However, this wouldn't make me genuinely happy because it wouldn't have happened by my hand.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. That was a different route than my brain was. I gotta say, if I showed my work all the fucking division signs and X's, it wasn't. It was going more like, this was your. Like, never again. I'm gonna train to fight and then I'll beat up the bullies. Yes, but you just wanted to kill people, Jason.

[Tristan Bowling]

I want to. I want to watch the light leave his eyes. No, I signed that contract.

[Big J Okerson]

Seeing a man's soul escapes the whole point of killing him. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

I mean, the best way to beat a guy is to see the will fall out of his eyes.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I bet. Just break.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I will say that Jay is doing a lot of yapping. Very often when Jay starts talking and talking and talking. He's overcompensated for something.

[Big J Okerson]

What's the percentage?

[Josh Barnett]

What's the stats on that? Huh?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Lewis?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. What's the overall keeping baseball scores? Jay had three triples this morning. Tonight.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But yeah, I'm. I'm getting a little bit of a Big J vibe on this story.

[Josh Barnett]

It's either Big J or Tristan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I agree with you.

[Josh Barnett]

Unless you fool Tristan. But congratulations.

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan might get me on a fool me once right now, but he seems so genuine. Like, this isn't my story. But blah, blah, blah.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's the whole thing. I'm telling the truth. It's not mine.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, that's exactly what a liar says.

[Big J Okerson]

That doesn't help at all.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. You guys waste your points. I don't care. It's not me. What else do you want me to say?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think it's Tristan.

[Tristan Bowling]

What else do you want me to say? Waste your points. Do your thing. Waste it.

[Josh Barnett]

The truth.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's either. In my head, it's either Big J or Sarah that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't think Sarah got beat up by a guy.

[Josh Barnett]

It could happen. Seems unlikely.

[Big J Okerson]

She's so tiny. Why would some guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You grew up in South Africa, right?

[Sarah Tollemach]

No. Texas. I was just.

[Tristan Bowling]

Pretty much the same thing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Similar.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a similar shape. It's a similar shape. The bottom part.

[Luis J. Gomez]

When did you move to Texas?

[Sarah Tollemach]

In 79. So I was like a year old.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Texas to South Africa.

[Tristan Bowling]

Black boy.

[Josh Barnett]

Don't punch me in the head.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

He was mad about apartheid.

[Big J Okerson]

She's 47. So she came over on the Amistad.

[Tristan Bowling]

He went full District nine on your ass.

[Big J Okerson]

Once the bug creatures came in, it was pretty much no quality of life.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Just for the typo. I'm gonna say Big J.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Is it my turn? Thank you. Well, I'm the feminine touch.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. She thinks. Tristan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There's.

[Sarah Tollemach]

It feels a very Arizona thing to me. That's all I'm saying.

[Josh Barnett]

Something that happens in the desert.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My original instinct told me. Tristan. I'm going with Tristan. No offense. I could just see you having people in your life that die young.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's true. I know several. But it's cool.

[Big J Okerson]

Hang on. I like to gauge my answer by the audience's reaction to what I do.

[Josh Barnett]

I would love it if that was true.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're an idiot.

[Josh Barnett]

I would love that.

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jason. It's not always me.

[Josh Barnett]

I'll lose points just for this to be real.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jason. It's literally. You always think it's me. You're wasting your time every time.

[Big J Okerson]

Every one of These stories is you. It's just not you who submitted it.

[Josh Barnett]

Isn't that the classic Lewis thing? He says, actually this is my story. However, it's not actually my story.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, he's a.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This, this one. This is not my story. I don't have this story.

[Tristan Bowling]

God damn it. It's Lewis. I know it.

[Big J Okerson]

You're an idiot. Wow.

[Tristan Bowling]

You'Re smiling too much. You're so excited.

[Big J Okerson]

All the. Everyone's.

[Tristan Bowling]

All the boards are in. You're so giddy. I hate you, dude. God damn. Alex, I came here on notice for you to on me. I'm sorry Tim Dillon couldn't make it tonight or whatever to come up without my ass. It's not me. God damn it, you guys.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex.

[Alex]

Story number two belongs to Lewis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

God damn it. Yeah. God damn. Oh, that felt great.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's right, Jeff Diaz. Burnin Hell. Some other Puerto Rican whooped your ass. Yeah, dude. He beat me up the first day of. First day of school. I kicked out of one school and I got sent to another school and we were on the lunch line. I thought it was tough and I started arguing with him. There was a cute chick named Jessica Jennier up there and I started talking shit. I was like, yeah, fuck you, dude, fuck you. I'll fuck you up. And he said he squared up up and I swung on him. He ducked, he came up, cracked me. I fell down. Then the lunch monitor came over and she was like, what are you guys doing? We were like, oh no, we're just kidding. We're play fighting. We pretended to play fight in front of this cute chick and then yeah, we, we. That was that. And we never talked about it again. And then I secretly plotted against him for years and years and years. I had a little pincushion doll and.

[Big J Okerson]

I would enough but never faced him again.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Never faced him.

[Sarah Tollemach]

What did he die?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He would have wrecked me.

[Big J Okerson]

What did he die from?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I think it was like a car accident or something.

[Sarah Tollemach]

It sounds like you did it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think, you know, it was weird. His brake line was cut.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I think his Diet Coke was poisoned.

[Tristan Bowling]

It was weird. There's a guy in his backseat, just.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Me under his car.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, Yeah. I think he got cape feared by some guy who hated him.

[Josh Barnett]

I like the idea of Lewis just under there like undoing you joint bolts.

[Big J Okerson]

We don't know. We didn't have fathers. We don't know what's going on in that car. Cut the brake line, he goes, I don't know what I cut. I cut some.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Just the windshield Alex, where are our points at after two stories?

[Alex]

All right, on the scoreboard, in Last place with 0 points, Sarah Tollemache and Tristan Bowling.

[Tristan Bowling]

God damn it.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Damn.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The two most feminine people on the panel.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Right?

[Tristan Bowling]

That's tough. I can't compete with this guy, dude.

[Alex]

In third place with two points, Big J Okerson. In second place with three points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with four points, Josh Barnett.

[Big J Okerson]

Feeling good and we're looking good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. Alex, you two new people, are you.

[Big J Okerson]

Guys having a good time?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You figured it out? You're liking it?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sweet. All right, you guys just kiss each other. Come on.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on. Dude, grab a tit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What are you doing?

[Big J Okerson]

You guys don't even party in front of a multiple countries renowned Indian dj. Good luck making it in his mix.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, let's take a quick moment to take one of our brand new sponsors, which is Chef iq. What a great product. We all love a good steak, but cooking it to the perfect temperature can be a struggle. I know that I struggle with it. You got to keep your eye on it. You don't want to cut it open and lose all those juices. Make life easier. And pick up Chef IQ sensors. It's a sensor that makes sure your meal is cooked to perfection every single time.

[Big J Okerson]

It connects to the Chef IQ sense app, which shows you everything you need to cook a steak perfectly. I have been grilling a lot more lately and I gotta tell you, the. The timing out and there's a thousand different suggestions on how you can do it. You flip it, you every minute, leave it long, it doesn't matter. This makes it absolutely idiot proof. With their IQ sense smart wireless meat thermometer, you can get real time internal temperature updates, flip reminders, rest timers, and estimated cooking times, all guided with cooking recipes. It has five sensors for maximum accuracy and they're heat resistant up to a thousand degrees. So these things are safe, perfect, and they're correct every time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And you just put whatever you. It's not just a steak though. It's whatever you want to eat. You put into the app and then they give you the instructions on how to cook it perfectly. You could just literally set it, forget it, not have to worry about it. This is essentially can replace your chicken.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Go to chefiq.com and enter the promo code wars with a Z W A R Z. You're going to get 15 off today. Once again, that is chefiq.com promo code wars with a Z to get 15 off your system today. Go support them. They support us What a great product. Love Chef iq. This is how I'm cooking this summer, baby boys fixing the summer. Chef iq.com. all right, where were we?

[Big J Okerson]

Alex Lewis's third story. Story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three. When I saw a child being born in person, I felt a wave of happiness like I've never felt before. It was followed immediately by one of the least happy things I've ever seen.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What.

[Tristan Bowling]

Godzilla, Right?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. I'm like, after birth. Nothing to do with a birth at all. Someone released a monitor lizard or like.

[Josh Barnett]

A projector shot out of their vagina and showed birth of a nation. You know, it's like, how bad is it?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I feel like this is a story of your child being born. Sarah. Sarah. Like you had a moment of happiness, the happiest moment ever. And then what happened after that?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, they give you the baby. That's positive.

[Tristan Bowling]

Ew.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but what. But if this is her story, what was the least happy thing she's ever seen?

[Big J Okerson]

Her baby looked exactly like Joe.

[Tristan Bowling]

His mouth is so small.

[Big J Okerson]

My nipple's not going to fit in this thing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, I feel like this is a female story. The way it's written. It's like poetic. It's.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You have kids, Josh, that you know of?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. Fair, fair. It's the life of a fighter, man. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Just roaming around the waist, you know, seeing wherever the day will take me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know, fighting whoever comes.

[Big J Okerson]

Condoms are for boxers.

[Tristan Bowling]

I do bare knuckle fucking.

[Big J Okerson]

Bare knuckle fucking.

[Josh Barnett]

Hair back fighting.

[Big J Okerson]

It's still bkfc. Yeah. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Well, I like the risk.

[Big J Okerson]

Bare knuckle club. Yeah. Nah, sweetheart, it's better this way.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, look, when I saw my Sunday morning, I was gonna say yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you? You watched?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. Yeah, of course. It was the happiest moment of my life. It was incredible.

[Big J Okerson]

Followed immediately by the least happy thing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, yeah, then they. They came in, they. They brought me back to jail, but it's just a month. They let me out for the day. It was pretty nice.

[Big J Okerson]

So you watched your son being born?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Of course, yeah. You watched your daughter being born? I did, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Me too.

[Big J Okerson]

I did feel. Yeah, she was in there. He was. He was life coaching my ex wife. You're gonna do great. You don't need drugs.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But this isn't necessarily somebody that has the child. This could be any, you know, child being born.

[Big J Okerson]

This. I saw a child being born is not my.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, like from a distance could be a change. Well, so they probably change it because some people in the panel have kids. Some people don't. So my assumption is Alex said, which.

[Big J Okerson]

Is making me think it's somebody with kids. Yeah, the killer's in this room.

[Josh Barnett]

Who on this panel has kids?

[Big J Okerson]

I do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Me, Sarah and Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't got kids.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, me neither, man.

[Big J Okerson]

It's all over the place. My daughter's 22, Lewis's son's 12, and Sarah's got a baby.

[Josh Barnett]

This shit's contagious.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

It's like age afterbirth everywhere.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it travels through jizz, this particular sickness.

[Josh Barnett]

Fuck, that sucks for me.

[Tristan Bowling]

I love jizz. God damn. What do I do now?

[Big J Okerson]

Big nightmare.

[Josh Barnett]

Been so proud of all of mine at this point.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, I'm getting the voting going. This feels like a female story. Very poetic, very sweet. I want to know what happens at the end of it. I hope it's Sarah's. Sarah's my answer.

[Josh Barnett]

Me, too. I also don't know if she spells her name with an H or not.

[Sarah Tollemach]

That's all right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I don't care. Don't care.

[Tristan Bowling]

Sarah in fun letters.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Big J Okerson]

Somebody else cleaning up. If everyone says that, this one' hard.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Because, like, who says a wave of happy. I don't know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You. Sarah. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Please write your answer in.

[Tristan Bowling]

I felt a wave of inertia and endorphins crashing against my cerebral lobe.

[Sarah Tollemach]

That's exactly how I talk.

[Josh Barnett]

Cerebral load.

[Big J Okerson]

Is it you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You think it's me? You think this is me?

[Josh Barnett]

Lewis doesn't.

[Big J Okerson]

You saw your child.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I love. I love my son.

[Josh Barnett]

Maybe, but not as a baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

Didn't you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Stop rhyming at me, Josh. I don't like that.

[Josh Barnett]

You're like, that's my problem now.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Babies are great, dude. I love my son. But there was nothing bad that happened right after.

[Tristan Bowling]

Didn't you jerk off in the hospital while your son was born?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Don't. That's not what happened.

[Josh Barnett]

We were going three stitches.

[Big J Okerson]

Three stitches. You saw your son be born. Then you looked, looked over your son and saw your old loads.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I was like, you could have been a baby.

[Big J Okerson]

No, this could have been another way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This was a big problem in my relationship. It's actually. It was really the straw that broke the camel's back. But, yeah. So, no, we were going into the hospital. She was being induced. It was going to be a long labor, long process. So once we got in, I settled in, went to the bathroom, rocked one out into the sink.

[Sarah Tollemach]

You were stressed.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I wanted to get it out. You know, I'm in the hospital for 24 hours.

[Big J Okerson]

You want to be focused on the baby and the important thing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Exactly.

[Sarah Tollemach]

You can't be horny.

[Big J Okerson]

I understand.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Exactly. Rocked it out in the sink.

[Big J Okerson]

And I feel so.

[Josh Barnett]

Did you turn that. The cold or the hot water?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Washed my hands.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel so insane.

[Tristan Bowling]

In the same sink.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Ew.

[Tristan Bowling]

Shooting in the toilet like a Marine. Have some.

[Josh Barnett]

Get the angle right.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Hit it on the coastline and then flush that shit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And. Yeah, then she. Somebody. I. I told story on a podcast, and she got very upset. My son's mother, very upset. And we really never, never recovered from me telling this story on a podcast.

[Big J Okerson]

I went with Sarah.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I'm just doing a wild card, Josh.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Sarah Tollemach]

You know.

[Big J Okerson]

All right. All five answers are in. Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Because it is Sarah, and she doesn't actually give a.

[Big J Okerson]

Who even gives a. I was more tired, Alex.

[Alex]

All right, this story belongs to Big J Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No way. No way.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm so bad at this game.

[Josh Barnett]

God damn it, Big J. You have a feminine way of writing.

[Big J Okerson]

I have to paint a picture with words.

[Josh Barnett]

Like an Emily Blunt over here.

[Big J Okerson]

It was not my daughter. When I was. Let me see, I guess 15, 14 or 15, my mom went into labor with my first sister, and we had to rush to the hospital in Philly. The streets, the way they work. We pulled in front of Jefferson Hospital, which is just one way. Small city streets. My stepfather was driving, and he let me off with my mom, who was, like, in labor. It was happening, and they got her wheelchair, and they just brought me in the whole process with. And then, you know, my mom's naked, and they bring me in the delivery room, and they had me standing in a spot where I'm looking at my mom's fucking pussy, which was a lot. You're like, oh, God, I don't wanna. And then I started seeing baby be born. And then I was like, oh. It was like. I was blown away. I mean, I was really, like, taken back. I'm like, this is my little sister's. Like, this is. Whoa. This is fucking nuts. And then when her head was almost out and I was feeling this, like, internal, like, emotion of, like, I'm watching my sister come in the world. I guess my mom has a super tight. And they grabbed scissors and put it and they cut her to her asshole. And I just watched. Ah. And then my stepfather came in, and I was like, look, I've got terrible news for you, bro. I've got horrible news.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This entire section in the YouTube video is just like, beep.

[Big J Okerson]

Why? I wasn't into it.

[Josh Barnett]

How'd you take seeing your mom's Brazilian?

[Big J Okerson]

It was not Brazilian. It was, but more Amazon than, like, the coast.

[Josh Barnett]

The favelas, Forman house.

[Tristan Bowling]

Jungle, tundra.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. The doctor. The guide had a machete, though, so he got us through most. He got us through most of the hedge pretty easy.

[Josh Barnett]

It's basically Hannibal Holocaust at this point.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, man, I'm having so much fun. But I just remembered about our bookshelf. I mean, I'm having so much fun.

[Josh Barnett]

Why would you bring that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

What a fun show. But holy shit, I'm bummed out about that.

[Josh Barnett]

It's your own hall.

[Big J Okerson]

No one reached out to us. They were just like, hey, this is happening. Deal with that. Oh, you fucking.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's crazy.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Was it here?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was here.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Did you see what they kept, though?

[Luis J. Gomez]

What do they keep?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Just junk.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. Actual trash. Just, like, crush some cans.

[Josh Barnett]

There are books in the green room.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, we're gonna take your books. New York Comedy Club.

[Big J Okerson]

We wasn't part of the thing that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We keep our stuff here. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

That our stuff could be here and they wouldn't throw.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And they said nothing about Jews.

[Big J Okerson]

They didn't even let us know Jews were in the ladder.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This idea.

[Alex]

They kind of went to look for it downstairs and they were like, yeah, we don't know where it is. We guess it got thrown out.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on, everybody. They water down their drinks, start turning on them. The popcorn's made of people. Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay, Alex, where are our points at after three stories to just be bumming everyone out again?

[Alex]

All right. Still in last place with zero points each, Sarah Tolomach and Tristan Bowling.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, okay, okay. Game's a puppy. Game's a puppy.

[Alex]

In third place with three points, Luis J. Gomez. In second place with four points, Josh Barnett. And now in the lead with six points, Big J oker.

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody. I'd like to thank the new couple. Fucking DJ Ashraf.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's DJ Khalid.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. DJ Snake Star. GJ Snake charm. These two guys were towing my car and having a little bit of leftover Coke earlier. And most certainly, this couple going through an emotional breakup because he's excited and she is not enjoying herself. Oh, my God. Remember, guys, I know you're like, oh, we don't have that many points. Like, we're at. I don't care anymore. Care. Because what you get to bring home is the Blind side by Michael Lewis. Yeah. Now, Sarah, you went ahead and just had a white child of your own and hoped for the best. But the Blind side, except Explorers, how one position on the field, the left tackle became the most important role in protecting the quarterback's blind spot. With Michael Ower's rare mix of size, speed and instinct, he became the perfect player at the perfect time. Author Michael Lewis connects dots between big talent, high stakes recruiting, and the behind the scenes strategy that reshaped the game of football forever.

[Josh Barnett]

That's bullshit.

[Big J Okerson]

Josh is correct. He was at best an average player. And I don't even know he's in the league anymore.

[Josh Barnett]

But fuck, left tackle is not that fucking important.

[Big J Okerson]

But the important thing is that white family probably got a couple mil for taking care of him at the end of the day.

[Josh Barnett]

Well, you know, at least it turned out right.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, and Sandra Bullock for her char. For all of her efforts, her husband fucked a Nazi lady. I may be blurring reality and don't change it. Alex. Story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. Two of my close friends got into a fight and the one that I was closer with was really upset about it. To make them feel better, we broke into the other friend's car and stole their driver's seat in the middle of the night. It made my friend feel better.

[Big J Okerson]

Sarah. Yeah. Now I'll save you guys trouble.

[Josh Barnett]

It's very wordy, so I get that. And that was my initial impression as well. But then we stole their driver's seat. You know what a ratchet is?

[Tristan Bowling]

How do you steal a driver's seat?

[Josh Barnett]

Well, you went tools.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I don't know if you guys are playing possum right now, but I will tell you, me and Lewis, neither of us absolutely have no idea how to take a driver's seat out. This is out of our pay grade. This is neither me nor Louis, so all the focus is over there. It's not Sarah.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Maybe Tristan, because they, like, you're young and you like, watching YouTube tutorials or something.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely, yeah. Tristan is three clicks away from finding out how to remove a driver's seat. Without a doubt, for sure, 100%.

[Tristan Bowling]

I would sooner learn how to steal the car. What's the point of taking the driver's seat?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Because it's funny.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, because you don't want to ruin your friends.

[Sarah Tollemach]

It's funny.

[Big J Okerson]

You're not.

[Tristan Bowling]

I don't know, Sarah, was it funny?

[Big J Okerson]

You were just doing it as like an immediate, like, bum the other guy out to make the other guy feel better. This is something you can replace, I assume, I hope, the front driver's seat. But Josh, I'm feeling this is a very, like, dudes, dude thing. Where'd you grow up at?

[Josh Barnett]

Seattle? Washington. And Seattle, Washington. I grew up working on car. Still can.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

So it's Josh problem, whatever it may be.

[Big J Okerson]

A lot of people are saying that you paid Courtney Love to pay a guy to kill Kurt Cobain. Is anything. Yeah, tell me there's any truth to that.

[Josh Barnett]

Allegedly. I would have used a better shotgun.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn, dude, you could have definitely Courtney Love in the right time when she was hot.

[Josh Barnett]

I mean, when she was. I was probably like 16, so. Yeah, that would have been something special.

[Big J Okerson]

She didn't know, dude. She was on drugs. Whatever gets your next fix. Is no one laughing? Is this too real? Yeah, your thoughts?

[Tristan Bowling]

Did you grow up in Seattle proper or were you on the outskirts?

[Josh Barnett]

I'm from Ballard, so that means nothing. There's an LA joke. There's an LA joke. Maybe it is. Maybe it's just for Ballard, for Seattle people. Everyone will come up to me like, oh, where are you from? I'm from Seattle. Well, usually the second question is what the fuck do you do? Because everybody wants to know what you do so they can get off of it, whatever it is. Oh, my friend's from Seattle. Hey, where are you from? Spokane, Auburn. It's never fucking Seattle. It's always some podunk ass fucked up place that nobody from Seattle would ever claim.

[Big J Okerson]

And Tacoma this weekend.

[Josh Barnett]

Exactly, exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

Tacoma this weekend. Everybody at the Tacoma Comedy Club. Check me out. Tacoma 5 show. We added a 4pm on Saturday.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We don't consider you podunked. You're good people.

[Big J Okerson]

In the 90s when I say podunk, I mean we'd buy tickets to a 4pm show that I've never done in my life.

[Josh Barnett]

Tacoma is not podunk, but in the 90s it had the most dangerous neighborhood in the entire.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It also creates it in Harlem.

[Sarah Tollemach]

The most serial killers does it. Yeah, the most serial killers are.

[Josh Barnett]

We have the most suicide aroma in Washington.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Tacoma aroma.

[Big J Okerson]

That's. They say that's because of the rain. They don't stop rain.

[Josh Barnett]

For Tacoma, it'd be the pulp mill plants.

[Big J Okerson]

What's that?

[Josh Barnett]

Well, they take all these wood byproducts and turn them into paper and pulp. And you can smell all that shit.

[Tristan Bowling]

In the air and it kills you.

[Josh Barnett]

I'm alive.

[Tristan Bowling]

Okay. Well, you're stronger willed than most.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yes.

[Josh Barnett]

I'm just the one that made it out on the other side.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, you get.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't see any of this. I didn't see any of this in Twin Peaks. None of it.

[Josh Barnett]

Well, technically that took place in Snoqualmie.

[Big J Okerson]

Seems like everything was all just cherry pie and backwards talking. Midgets.

[Josh Barnett]

I mean, that's pretty accurate. Yeah, there's a big giant guy who goes on about weird. You don't understand.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Dude, I can't believe your bombs. Josh Button, everybody. He was the third bass player in mud. Honey, these are all just. You could just make up Seattle stories. No one gives a. This guy. Dude. He was in Alice in Chains before they popped.

[Josh Barnett]

I was in Grunt Truck.

[Tristan Bowling]

Broke ground on Starbucks. This guy. That's the only Seattle reference.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you guys don't. You guys don't recognize the first tambourinist from Pearl Jam? This guy played on 10, the one you love.

[Josh Barnett]

We were Mother Love Bone. Jay Okerson and his grunge rock knowledge.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. I know all that horseshit. I'm the only person that can tell you three Tom Cochran songs. Life is the Highways.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The first one.

[Big J Okerson]

Are you wondering where the other two are?

[Luis J. Gomez]

The middle of a goddamn game, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. This is for sure. Tristan.

[Tristan Bowling]

I grew up.

[Big J Okerson]

Stop wasting everybody's time and Write that down. Tristan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

10.

[Tristan Bowling]

I was a theater kid.

[Big J Okerson]

Goddamn right you were.

[Tristan Bowling]

I didn't grow up.

[Big J Okerson]

You and your ass. Theater friends were fighting. And then you remove the thing. Now he's gonna have to sit in the back seat to drive home. Home.

[Tristan Bowling]

How dare you. Very rude.

[Big J Okerson]

You made me fight you. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it.

[Josh Barnett]

I mean, I'll be honest. Like, Big J and Lewis have been doing a hell of a job playing diversion here tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Lewis is a liar. I see.

[Josh Barnett]

He's a bad person, Sarah, pulling this off, however wrong as I may be. I think it's Tristan. And I spelled it like sex.

[Big J Okerson]

I think you're right. Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, I.

[Big J Okerson]

Like a tryst. I like that for sure.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I did a little racial profiling, and I went with Lewis to be.

[Josh Barnett]

It is pretty Puerto Rican.

[Big J Okerson]

It's not wrong.

[Josh Barnett]

But then he would have taken the wheels, too.

[Big J Okerson]

Just. It's true. And those he's not getting back. Yeah. That's the vig. That's the tax.

[Tristan Bowling]

I am also going, Louis, because close to the same reason, but also, I don't think he's been in a car legally. I feel like he needs to be invited in. Like a vampire.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. Currently still. Currently still. His car's under his dead father's name.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

He dropped me off in it once.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, so the cops pull us over. Dude, just get out and run. Hold up a mirror to me.

[Josh Barnett]

You're white. You're okay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I think this is either Tristan or Sarah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Sarah, where did you grow up?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Houston, Texas. The suburbs outside the Fifth Ward. The Fifth Ward, yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But that with the Ghetto Boys.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah, I was in the Ghetto Boys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is a very 90s fun, like, because the other thing is, like, taking a car seat out of a car in the 90s is probably a lot easier than Tristan's 22 years old. Like a car. Now, to take a car seat, that seems like a whole to do. And Sarah's day, you need one little wrench. Four. Four bolts. You pulled the seat out, you're done.

[Josh Barnett]

I want you to be right no matter how many points I lose. I like the idea of the handiness of Sarah.

[Big J Okerson]

Sarah, did you have to like the Ghetto Boys because you were from Houston?

[Sarah Tollemach]

I never. I didn't really listen to them.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What I know you're African and from Houston and you didn't listen to the Ghetto Boys.

[Big J Okerson]

One of my favorite musical. Just funny things that I think about is in that song that I love. Mine's Playing Tricks on Me. That's the Ghetto Boys main famous song. There's a midget in the group who's the best?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yes. Bushwick Bill.

[Big J Okerson]

Bushwick Bill and Bushwick Bill in the song goes. He's talking about his mind being crazy. He goes, this guy came up on. He goes. He stood about six or seven feet. Now, that's the dude I'd be seeing in my sleep. You're like 6 or 7. Like, that's not. He said, like. He was saying 15ft. But to a midget, that is a lot.

[Josh Barnett]

Is that the same album that has Bushwick in the hospital?

[Big J Okerson]

The COVID of the album is him and his friends. Him and the other two rappers, Scarface and Willie D. If you look at it. Ghetto Boys. What's the fucking album called? I forget. But, like, they're wheeling him. It's in the hospital while they're taking him because he just to scare his own girlfriend, that midget shot himself in the eye and blew his eye out. And then when they got to the hospital, him and his two rap buddies were wheeling him down in a gurney with a bloody eye. And they go, smile. And everybody snapped a picture for everybody. It's the best. I guess you guys hate Houston.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My answer with all that is Sarah Tolomash.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Well, that's a good. That's a good guess.

[Josh Barnett]

I think that's a good answer.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a good guess, Alex. Everybody's in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Tristan Bowling.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Lewis.

[Josh Barnett]

That was a good guess. I truly. I backed.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's a good guess. Either way, that was a good guess. Sarah, can you tell the story like it's yours?

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan, tell Sarah to tell the story so we could hear like it's from her.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I'll Muppeteer this. No, I. One of my buddies just got a new girlfriend, and he was being all hot shit, so we chased him down the street with bottle rockets.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice.

[Tristan Bowling]

And he tried to fight my. My buddy Hayden. And we were like, you don't fight Hayden. He's our guy.

[Big J Okerson]

So now is Hayden the fucking. I heard, was he the dweeb that, like, we make fun of but you but other people can't fuck with them?

[Tristan Bowling]

In a weird way, we were all the dweeb.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure. Yeah. You were like the Borg. You were the collective. Together, you were strong.

[Josh Barnett]

Separately, you all had the same Marvel comic.

[Big J Okerson]

You're like, my name's Tristan. Or you may know me as six of 14.

[Tristan Bowling]

I come from Fata Delphi. You know, you wouldn't understand. We have power rings. But no, no. So he was being a dickhead, and we realized we. He always bragged about how his car never got with because he unlocked it all. All night. So we stole the front seat out of his car and took it into the desert and shot it with guns.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you destroyed it. Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

This wasn't like, you're going to get it back tomorrow. And it's a good laugh.

[Tristan Bowling]

No, it was never going to come back. And for the rest of his senior year, he. He, like, drilled in a lawn chair.

[Big J Okerson]

Shut up, dude. Yeah. Is that real?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, dude. He had a lawn chair. His ass, front seat.

[Big J Okerson]

And he can't assume it's more than $500 to replace. Ultimately, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

It took years for him to find out it was us because he would be like, who did this? We're like, I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

He did eventually find out.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, no, he had suspicions, but we.

[Big J Okerson]

Eventually stole a lawn chair. He was like, I'm starting to think it was you guys.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I got a new lawn chair.

[Josh Barnett]

Did he find it hilarious?

[Tristan Bowling]

Eventually he was like, you guys are dickheads. Like, that's pretty funny, but we've gotten each other back.

[Big J Okerson]

He's like, thank God I stole that same car.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

No, but it was a good time, Arizona fun.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell, yeah. You fooled Tristan. You fooled a few people. You got some points there, buddy.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm no longer zero.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, what are our scores?

[Alex]

In last place with zero points, Sarah Tolomach.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like we're being genderist.

[Alex]

In fourth place with two points, Tristan Bolling.

[Big J Okerson]

On the board.

[Tristan Bowling]

Climbing out of this well.

[Alex]

In third place with three points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on. The rattlesnake. The fucking rattlesnake. He's writing a book. He's got car coffee.

[Alex]

In second place with six points, Josh Barnett.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on, legend. Legend of the sport. Legend of the sport. Show your respect. Don't let me down.

[Alex]

And in the lead with eight points, Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

This is dumb. This is stupid. This is stupid. Stupid.

[Josh Barnett]

It weren't for the Reggie White jersey, I'd be pissed.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm genuinely legend. It makes me happy. It's ironic as today's topic is happiness, but it makes me happy when Jay is in the lead. I genuinely love it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Jay, he's lying. He's gonna you so hard, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

There's gonna be a point in this game where you can pinpoint the moment where Lewis shoves it up my ass. Almost like the ass we had a legion of skanks. We just straight punch through it. He'll do that to me. You'll see.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, we're at the halfway point right now. We've done four stories. Let's get some plugs out of the way real quick. Trustin. What are you plugging? You got a great podcast. What else is going on?

[Tristan Bowling]

You can see me. I'm doing a cruise if you guys want to spend four grand on a cruise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm doing yeah, bro.

[Big J Okerson]

Who don't.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Who doesn't have four and a half thousand dollars burning a hole in their pocket? Yeah, it's New York. Things are affordable. No, but yeah, find me at the stand. I do a lot of shows there. And Tristan is a comedian on Instagram.

[Big J Okerson]

How old are you? Tristan, how old are you?

[Tristan Bowling]

How old am I?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

27.

[Big J Okerson]

27.

[Tristan Bowling]

I just let you run with the 22 thing. I wanted to be pretty.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Sarah, hi. You can find my special on YouTube, Butthole Money. And then. Thank you. And then Instagram Stalamash.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yes. Sarah is one of the funniest. Make sure you check out her stuff.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Josh Barnett.

[Josh Barnett]

Butthole money is my travel advice. Also my kink. But now I've Got Josh Barnett's BloodSport 14 having it at the Williams center this Saturday, 1pm Come see the hardest hitting action in professional wrestling. It's a show built for wrestlers and they're gonna beat the average living out of each other for your enjoyment. Then I got a seminar.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm. I'm coming this.

[Josh Barnett]

If you like how they destroy each other, then come to my seminar at Immortal Jiu Jitsu on Sunday at 12pm and I will teach you how to destroy your fellow man.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah. I hope. We got to get Josh. Josh. You got to. Come on, skank, sometime. I got a thousand questions I'd love to ask. I will do.

[Josh Barnett]

Do whatever Lewis asks of me because he is my best buddy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, well, your best friend.

[Josh Barnett]

He's coming to bloodsport.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I am. I'm coming Saturday.

[Josh Barnett]

If you want to like, sit next to that, punish him all day long at the Williams center, you can do that. And I'll allow that.

[Big J Okerson]

Is he gonna beat the out of you?

[Josh Barnett]

I might.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No. No, I hope not. Dear God, I hope not.

[Josh Barnett]

I mean, look, if he comes, it's okay, you know, he enjoyed it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If he hit me hard enough, I'll come.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, let me. Yeah, it's true. Is it because you're a pussy faggot? You know, this isn't scam. This is a story worse. Sorry, BigJ. Comedy.com for all my dates. If you're listening live, who knows where we're at? I don't know how far away this is, but I'm coming to a city near you in the Big J okerson's Peter North American tour. Coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. Peter north, you get it.

[Josh Barnett]

He's my buddy.

[Big J Okerson]

Nuh.

[Josh Barnett]

Yes, I did.

[Big J Okerson]

Decorator.

[Josh Barnett]

I get Thanksgiving at Peter North's house once.

[Big J Okerson]

If you don't know everyone I know, you don't know who Peter north is. Peter. Notice in my childhood, he was a porn star who had not just. Not just a great long and pretty thick dick. Like the perfect dick. Not overly huge, not small at all, but he blew loads that would. And I've learned this from pieces, my slut girlfriend, that the amount of load does make a woman feel better. He would change the color of your face. And Adam Carolla called him in front of me the decorator. Which is a great name, right? Oh, what a great name for him.

[Josh Barnett]

Huge car guy. Super nice dude.

[Big J Okerson]

So I call. My tour is called Big J okerson.

[Sarah Tollemach]

A great actor.

[Big J Okerson]

Great actor, right? The guy's been a fucking detective. Three different detectives. And each one had its own individual like it's the thing. Peter North, Peter North American Tour. Coming on a city near you. And then the poster's got a load all over the earth. So you get it. It's all about that. If just Josh Barnett gets the joke, I'm okay with it.

[Josh Barnett]

Peter north had a Ferrari that he twin supercharged.

[Big J Okerson]

But more importantly, the guy blew loads that would literally change the structure of a person's face. Of course. Check out Legion of Skanks, the flagship show right over here at the Legion of skanks. Or the gas digital. My apologies, of course. Listen to the bonfire five days a week faction talk. SiriusXM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And some fun information coming out soon on the double vinyl release of them. They coming out as well as we're gonna release in some way all four unedited hours of the them. They're tapings the four shows we did in Denver. So look out for those.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Fun fun Lewis, Come see me live on the road. Timonium, Maryland, next weekend, August 8th and 9th. I got Providence, Rhode island, coming up at the end of August. Empire Comedy Club, Portland, Maine, coming up in September, Key West, Levittown, New York. Lots of dates. Go to louisofskangs.com grab those tickets. Sign up for my mailing list. Check out all the other pods I do the regs. Legion of Skanks, my bonus podcast for people in my mailing list. I'm writing a book right now where it's. It's basically completed completely. It's coming out in December. You guys can pre order it right now.

[Big J Okerson]

What's it called? Mostly Lies.

[Josh Barnett]

Thank you, Chad.

[Big J Okerson]

Gbt he goes any anthology of stories of me kicking ass and taking names.

[Josh Barnett]

Grab my bullies dead.

[Big J Okerson]

Go grab my bullies dead.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, sweet. Well, bullies.

[Big J Okerson]

Grab my bullies dead. One Man's Journey. No, dude, I, I. The excerpts you've sent a couple of them, dude. Yeah, I'm excited. It's going to be great. It's going to be fantastic.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's called Knives and Spoons. You can pre order right now on Amazon.com and yeah, thank you guys for supporting us. Subscribe to hold on. Subscribe to Gas Digital. Make sure you guys do that. Use the promo code WAR and you guys get a bunch of episodes that are no longer on YouTube or anywhere else. Plus you get pre release and all story wars episodes ad free and uncensored. Gas digital.com brand new platform. Use that promo code war. Yes.

[Josh Barnett]

Josh, what was the show I did with you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You did the, the Lewis and Zach show. Boom.

[Josh Barnett]

Listen to that as well.

[Big J Okerson]

It's over.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's over. It's no longer a show.

[Big J Okerson]

What the quit? Well, Zach. What? Zach got convicted. Zach got convicted of all crimes. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

So all crimes.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So now you have seen list was just Zach.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yep.

[Big J Okerson]

Now don't listen to that Sarah. Right, Tristan, you guys are probably Lewis Even you're probably feeling pretty shitty about where you're at.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I know how this goes.

[Josh Barnett]

Pretty shitty. Because I realized I was on you shouldn't guy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, he's not really a pedophile.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, who? Tristan or Lois? No, Tristan, I'm not a pedophile.

[Josh Barnett]

No, I've seen his lady.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's a normal.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, even if Tristan was a 14 year old, it wouldn't look crazy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It'll be crazy.

[Josh Barnett]

It looked pretty normal, actually. Yeah, it's like that documentary Girls Wanted.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's their fault. Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm helping her.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're helping her. It looks better you than some other monster.

[Josh Barnett]

I heard the backstory.

[Big J Okerson]

Sarah Lewis, Tristan, don't worry, because what we do here, we don't really tell us to you before you start the show. And it's your first time here. I believe it's. No, Sarah, it's your second time. So you know for a fact that the final four stories, we go double points. That's right, everybody, we go double points here on Story Wars. In case it's unclear, before, when you fool every person you fooled, you got one point. Every time you guessed the correct person's story, you got two points. But now that bumps up to double points. Are my shorts too short? I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[Josh Barnett]

They're below your knees.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, they're doing all right, but I feel like they're too tight.

[Josh Barnett]

Very 2002.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they're good.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna start to get Jankos. For our final four stories, we do go double points, so really, it's anybody's game. Alex, do me a favor. Story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. I decided to have a few beers in Mexico with my friend. I ended up drinking a lot, getting kicked out of a strip club called the Diablo Gateau, and losing my shoes. I still had fun.

[Big J Okerson]

This is Josh hanging out with the Diaz brothers in Mexico. Well, here's the thing. Arizona's right by Mexico.

[Tristan Bowling]

No, I'd be terrified the entire fucking time. Are you kidding me?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. You didn't dip over. I believe. If you say you've never been to Mexico over that border, I believe you.

[Tristan Bowling]

I. I've never been. I've left. Never left the country.

[Big J Okerson]

Just so you know, if you have and you're lying to me, I'll never forgive you.

[Josh Barnett]

Deep.

[Tristan Bowling]

No need to forgive.

[Big J Okerson]

It was a lot.

[Tristan Bowling]

It ain't me, dog. We're straight.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, Sarah is not getting kicked out of a strip club. That's crazy.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I could and I don't. I wouldn't go to Mexico at all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I. I've heard a story.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I'm like, into the building, the wall.

[Big J Okerson]

I have heard though, if Sarah, while a straight woman, if she sees a naked vagina, she will just dive at a teeth first.

[Josh Barnett]

Just swing a finger right straight to it and listen.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. I've never been there for that thing, but that is. That's a talking comedy.

[Josh Barnett]

I have a friend that used to work at Spearmint Rhino as security and had to kick out a celebrity female for being too aggressive.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. Barbra Streisand, Kate Jenner.

[Josh Barnett]

It's what y' all get.

[Big J Okerson]

Do the Jewish share. No.

[Tristan Bowling]

Honestly, I don't see this being anyone else but Josh.

[Josh Barnett]

What makes you think that I end up in drinking a lot, getting your.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Look, your vibe, your attitude.

[Josh Barnett]

I don't get kicked out of strip club.

[Tristan Bowling]

The fact I don't walk out into the Mexico City street without shoes and be like, that's okay.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, your stupid Mexican on my dick. Or else.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's another thing. It's like, yeah, in the last story, you don't have any clothes. This one, you have no shoes. There's a theme here.

[Josh Barnett]

I don't get naked often, but when.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I do, I tell the stories on this show.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, until you're.

[Big J Okerson]

Until you're the devil cat.

[Josh Barnett]

I will admit that I have some devilish characteristics. I have a few tomes and novels and grimoires.

[Tristan Bowling]

But you got Necronomicon. Necronomicon.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, something similar. But this ain't me. This ain't me. This is not me.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis has the Negro Comic Con, which is waiting to exhale. I thought that. I thought it was.

[Josh Barnett]

Let me hold a dollar.

[Big J Okerson]

You read that book?

[Josh Barnett]

That's a really nice bike.

[Big J Okerson]

Do. Whitney do. Whitney Houston was a star of that book.

[Josh Barnett]

This is an interesting one.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Deciding to have a few beers in Mexico is crazy. You have to be like traveling Catalya.

[Big J Okerson]

In my life on my daughter, never been to Mexico ever. Wow.

[Josh Barnett]

If that's a lie, that's a fucked up lie.

[Big J Okerson]

Now here's the thing. I haven't seen my daughter since she was 6. I couldn't even tell you what she looks like. So if she dies, I don't know.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, freckles, not. Who knows?

[Big J Okerson]

You're looking very freckles. I don't know, maybe. Maybe she's blonde. Maybe she's brunette. I don't know.

[Sarah Tollemach]

You're looking very tan these days, though.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Did you just come back from Mexico? Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I have a backyard now, but I have my girlfriend yell at me in Spanish.

[Tristan Bowling]

I can see this also being Louis. I'm not gonna lie. Lewis has been awfully quiet. I hate to take, you know.

[Big J Okerson]

Has you been to Mexico?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I've been to Mexico a lot. Yeah, of course I have. I was in Mexico literally three times this year. That's crazy.

[Josh Barnett]

I feel like it'd be funny for another. It be, Lewis come around again.

[Big J Okerson]

According to, this guy's a piece of shit. I've seen him operating strip clubs, too. No problem.

[Josh Barnett]

No doubt.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They love me. They love me at strip clubs.

[Tristan Bowling]

They tell me that's exactly what someone who says when they're an issue at strip clubs.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right. He goes, what are you talking about, dude? They love the way I grab at everybody and tell them, I'll pay you.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'll give you a life, you slut. Do you want a son?

[Big J Okerson]

You gotta leave your kid behind, though. Yeah, we already have a James.

[Tristan Bowling]

You can bring your James.

[Luis J. Gomez]

James.

[Big J Okerson]

James can visit on holidays, but only holidays.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, you have a girl, James. That's cool.

[Josh Barnett]

Speak Spanish, Lewis.

[Tristan Bowling]

What do you call her, James? Etta. That's pretty sick.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis cannot speak Spanish.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Spanish, No, I can't. But I've been to Mexico a lot. I went to Mexico, you know, a few. Few weeks ago. I went a couple months before that. We went to the.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't have to know Spanish.

[Luis J. Gomez]

From the.

[Big J Okerson]

Understand el prostituto.

[Josh Barnett]

Elf Put your dick between my tits.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Having a few beers in Mexico is pretty crazy. I'm going to lean in and read on the road. He's on the road a lot. They were, like, in Texas, South Texas, near the border. They decided to go to a cheap place, get some cheap beers.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, wait a second, though. But Sarah lives in Houston, right? By strip clubs in Mexico, which we know she loves.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sarah's not getting kicked out of a strip club.

[Big J Okerson]

What are you talking about?

[Josh Barnett]

2001, I swear to you.

[Big J Okerson]

I heard a story. Now, this is domestic, but I heard a story about her in Nebraska taking off her pants and trying to aggressively scissor girls against her will. Do you know how hard it is to scissor someone who doesn't want to be scissored? You have to get low and shoot up with both legs. It's crazy. And I'll tell you what, she's almost a legend for that. They call her la Blanca Fabuloso.

[Tristan Bowling]

Hit him with the Boston Crab.

[Big J Okerson]

She hit it with a Boston Crab. I'm so sorry.

[Tristan Bowling]

The fact that Lewis is putting Sarah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So my answer is Josh Barnett. Oh, come on.

[Josh Barnett]

I cleaned my bathroom with LeBlanca Flamios.

[Tristan Bowling]

I thought it was that guy.

[Big J Okerson]

They have the scrubbing bubbles. Leblanca Fabioso has scrubbing bubbles.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Who? You. Who do you? Me? Oh, me, Jay Louise. No, it is Louis. Just for the record, you're full. You're fools.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I'm just Tristan.

[Big J Okerson]

Because Arizona, by the way, Arizona is full of trash situations.

[Josh Barnett]

I don't think it's a bad guess.

[Tristan Bowling]

Listen, I got enough Mexicans in Ariz.

[Big J Okerson]

True that. You've had your fill. You've had it up to here with Mexicans. That's as high as they get.

[Tristan Bowling]

Five, four Abuelas, ninos, ninas. Enough of them. Why do you think I'm here? I want to see Dominicans for the first time.

[Big J Okerson]

Right? That hot couple's Dominican. Oh, that means they both have fully shaved privates.

[Josh Barnett]

Oh, I love the video.

[Big J Okerson]

Nothing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Alex]

Holy. Everybody, this story belongs to.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Not Sarah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Is it Sarah? I bet it's Sarah.

[Alex]

Sarah told Moss.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Holy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What a badass clean sweep. We should have known, because women take their shoes off and they start walking around to pee. God, David, that was the tell. And she clean sweeped it while there was double points. That is a big deal. Sarah, tell us a story. What happened?

[Sarah Tollemach]

You know those nights where you're like, let's just have. We'll go to Nogales, Mexico, get those bites. Well, my friend lived in. I forgot what town in Tucson. So then we were like, let's just catch up and have a few beers. She just got back from England. And then it. Surprisingly, I can remember most of it, but we befriended this Mexican guy that can't get back into the US because he got arrested for selling coke.

[Big J Okerson]

Classic.

[Sarah Tollemach]

He became our new friend. We.

[Tristan Bowling]

Then you definitely weren't doing coke.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Sarah Tollemach]

And then there's all kinds of bars there that are like, you drink, but then there's also karaoke. And then it's almost like a variety show happening.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, it's called karaoke.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Karaoke.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Sarah Tollemach]

And then. So we did that, and then we found a. A strip club called El Diablo. The Diablo? Yeah. The Devil. The Black Cat.

[Big J Okerson]

The Devil Cat.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Oh, I meant to say, yeah, it was the Black Cat. That's what I meant. And we got too friendly with the strippers too much that it started getting kind of aggressive. Meaning, like, they didn't want us to be there anymore because I think we were taking away from their job.

[Big J Okerson]

Because you're actual girls there.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah, well, because we were such drunk.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think strip clubs, like, when a chick just comes in. Yeah.

[Sarah Tollemach]

And just as a drunken buffoon, when they're like, we're trying to make money. You guys are being ditched.

[Big J Okerson]

We might be actually able to rape this one. Yeah.

[Sarah Tollemach]

It's the only time, surprisingly. I still to say I'm like, I don't know why I didn't get raped.

[Big J Okerson]

Honestly, I don't either. You're a pretty woman. Hey, you deserve to be raped that night. Thank you.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't want you to live in that. Don't live in that. You're a beautiful woman. You're a very beautiful. You had a child, your body snapped back. Fantastic. You just. You should have been raped that night.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Thank you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We all would have raped you that night.

[Big J Okerson]

Sarah. Sarah. On my worst day, I would have raped the out of you that night. Probably twice. There'd have been so much evidence. All over your stomach.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I know.

[Big J Okerson]

God damn, that makes me upset.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hey, can I say I'm having a lot of fun right now. This guy's definitely asleep.

[Sarah Tollemach]

He's sleeping.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Oh, hey.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hey.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, you have no idea, but every guy on this panel laid their dick on your forehead. There's footage of it. It's crazy. DJ Oshraff is gonna fucking put it in his mix.

[Tristan Bowling]

I like it how his shirt says Got wood and he's sawing logs.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow, that's a shake up from zero to hero. What are the scores looking like, Alex?

[Alex]

All right, in last place with two points, Tristan Bowling.

[Josh Barnett]

Good one.

[Alex]

In fourth place with three points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Stay there, stay there.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's anybody's game still, motherfucker.

[Big J Okerson]

That's not true. We'll see. We'll see.

[Alex]

In third place, with six points, Josh Barnett. And our top two are tied with eight points each. In the lead, we have a tie between Big J Okerson and Sarah Toloma.

[Josh Barnett]

Tiebreaker criteria.

[Big J Okerson]

It's. Yo, it's up to fate now, Queen. Oh, I don't mind that at all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Where we had.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel good. Dude, you were looking like a idiot.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no. Is anybody's game still? Dude, Sarah had zero points for the last story.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. And she caught up and she leapfrogged right over you like a.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Please. I'm ready. Alex, Story number six.

[Big J Okerson]

What the fuck was that? Did you have a seizure? There it is.

[Josh Barnett]

He's. It's like the real version and the TEMU version, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Next to each other.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You fucking woke up the gun.

[Josh Barnett]

We have got wood at home.

[Big J Okerson]

Got wood woke up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wait, are you. Are you asking for penis?

[Big J Okerson]

You know what this shirt does imply that you're asking for a guy to have a hard cock for you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What other type of wood would you want?

[Big J Okerson]

Got wood. He goes, oh, cause I'm trying to build off of my three season room. Do you have wood?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are you asking for hard cocks?

[Big J Okerson]

I think more than actual lumber. You're asking someone for a hard penis to put inside one of your holes mouth and or.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sir, why are you, why are you speaking that? Were you at a loud concert yesterday? You lost your voice? Yeah. What concert was.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, that couple has already two times in the bathroom since we started the show. It's unbelievable. They're so hot. I can't believe it. Dude, I'm hard. I got wood. You want to see my wood, bruh? You love it. You love it so much.

[Josh Barnett]

Teak.

[Big J Okerson]

Teak. Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors here at Story wars and that is Chubby's. Oh, the summer is in full effect and Chubby's classic line swim trunks are absolutely amazing. Nothing ruins a beach day or pool day like your thighs chafing on that stupid mesh liner. Say goodbye to that completely. They have a supportive boxer brief liner, quick dry fabric, four way stretch and you're going to be looking good and feeling good. Nothing makes me angrier than my balls and ball surrounding ball hair is getting scrubbed up in that liner. It itches. You're pulling it out constantly. It rashes you up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It sucks. It sucks. And look, they have great styles. They look really, really great. They have different lengths for your legs for how much you want to show. So when I'm in a little bit better shape, I like the shorter length ones. Right now I want the lower, the longer length ones. My legs are a little chubby right now.

[Big J Okerson]

I always want my legs covered as much as possible. But you, you like to show a little yam, which I approve. Some gams.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I appreciate Chubby's jorts soon collection.

[Big J Okerson]

For a limited time, Chubby's is going to give story wars fans 20 off of their order with Code wars with a z@chubby shorts.com. that's Code wars with a Z@chubby shorts.com. support the show. Let them know that we sent you. Give summer one last hurrah. Keep the good vibes going with Chubbies. Absolutely amazing. Again you support the show. 20% off Chubbies with order code wars with a z@chubby shorts.com wars. All right, where were we, Alex? Where are we at?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Story number 6.

[Big J Okerson]

Story number 6.

[Alex]

Story number 6.

[Big J Okerson]

Pull your shit together, would you? You're a mother. You're a mother now.

[Alex]

A neighborhood friend taught me how to shoplift. As I was about to make a clean getaway, my grandmother saw me. I bolted out of the store, and she ratted me out to my parents.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, parents says a lot is doing a lot of heavy lifting, this story.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hold on. How is this happy?

[Tristan Bowling]

How is this happiness at all?

[Luis J. Gomez]

There's nothing happy about this story.

[Big J Okerson]

I bought a store, and she ran me up to my parents because there was probably happiness when they got to the end.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, man. If Josh wasn't on this panel, I would be going. If whoever put the story isn't as a fucking moron. But I can't, because it could be Josh's.

[Big J Okerson]

It could be Josh. I figured.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So this story is pretty cool.

[Big J Okerson]

This story kicks ass. It's probably the origin story of a pretty badass motherfucker. Yeah. I'm thinking, Josh, this isn't.

[Sarah Tollemach]

It has to be like an. Who's a neighborhood where the store is right by your grandmother's house. Do you know what I mean? Like, my grandmother was never near very New York. Yeah, it does. That's what I'm getting at.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Your. Your African grandmother was in a hunt in Johannesburg. Yeah, like spearing lions or whatever she was doing.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis has no connection connection to his grandmother. I know that she died when she was 17 years old.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true. It is true.

[Big J Okerson]

Your grandmother died. It's very, very sad. Lewis's mother was 15. Lewis's grandmother was 17 years old. Terrible tragedy. I don't like bringing it up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Very racist.

[Big J Okerson]

Josh is in effect, indeed, yes. A Puerto Rico can joke.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Can I say ratting on your family is a white thing.

[Big J Okerson]

I think everybody hears white. Oh, not Lewis, you're saying. I mean, no, but Lewis is aspire. Lewis's whole life, he has aspired for whiteness. I mean, he's tried everything in his power. He's tried everything in his power.

[Josh Barnett]

I. I thought he was white originally.

[Big J Okerson]

His name's Luis. He calls himself Louis.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, until I got to Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

His name's Luis.

[Josh Barnett]

When I heard Gomez, I was like, you can't have my car keys.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no, no. Not at all. This guy. But definitely was definitely run valet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Listen, neighborhood friend taught me how to shoplift. As I was about to make a clean getaway, my grandmother saw me. I Bolted out of the store and she ratted me out to my parents.

[Big J Okerson]

Could be Tristan.

[Tristan Bowling]

You think I steal?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think you have parents.

[Big J Okerson]

And I'll tell you that me and Lewis. Me and Lewis did not.

[Tristan Bowling]

I mean, like, freight not. And I have an old white grandma. I guess I don't know if she would rat out on me.

[Big J Okerson]

Your parents are involved, Tristan. It's a cool part of your story. You started comedy very young, and your parents did support and brought you.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, but like, also, if. If my grandma came and just be like, we saw Tristan stealing something and be like, why you snitch like my parents?

[Big J Okerson]

No, your parents took you to comedy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Your parents.

[Big J Okerson]

Grandm was Chinese, stupid.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Oh, you think this is funny?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, are you saying my son steal things from store?

[Tristan Bowling]

Great dishonor.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, my. How.

[Josh Barnett]

How Chinese are your parents so Chinese?

[Tristan Bowling]

0%, mostly. Mostly Polish. But they dabble.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but they also.

[Josh Barnett]

They just punch you and they don't say anything.

[Big J Okerson]

Josh is weird. His parents are American, but they speak exclusively in racist Chinese accents. It is funny for a little bit, but at the end of the night, you're like, yo, oh, you want to watch Lion King?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're like, it's tiresome by the end of the night.

[Big J Okerson]

It's exhausting. It's exhausting.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, we gotta get some votes here. I mean, maybe Tristan.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's not me.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what I would say if I was a lawyer. All right, I'm going.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tristan wasn't Jay Jadison Boltz.

[Tristan Bowling]

Dude, I'd be winning.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Tristan Bowling]

Hard if I got points based off of people voting me when it's not me.

[Big J Okerson]

You said it's not Jake.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Josh doesn't bolt.

[Big J Okerson]

No, shut up. It's not about Josh. Now you said it's not me because I don't bolt. I was a kid, dude. I bolted. There was all kinds of that would happen. I'd bolt if you bolted, you'd.

[Josh Barnett]

You'd wail it less.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't bolt. Every time. I'd bolt for a bit. A bit of bolting, I bit of bolt. And then when the heat from the cop car would be burning the back of my calves, I'd stop and I'd be like, I'm not even a part of this. I'm just a fat Jewish kid from down the hill. And that worked out for me a lot. This is Tristan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jada's in Bolt.

[Big J Okerson]

Rosenberg.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Josh doesn't.

[Josh Barnett]

Oh, okay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Josh doesn't bolt. He just has bolts in his neck.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I went with big.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I'm now stuck between Sarah and Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

You already took your fingers off it. But I gotta tell you, shoplifting, I'm afraid I only stole porn in my life. Porn magazines.

[Tristan Bowling]

Well, that's gross.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, because you used them to masturbate.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Well, they didn't have the Internet.

[Josh Barnett]

I'm in the bushes.

[Big J Okerson]

They were there also.

[Tristan Bowling]

All right, just. Lewis, waste your points. You're letting someone sweep, by the way. Lewis, it's not me. You're letting someone sweep. If it's you, it's him.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Louis. You. I'm gonna pour this beer on your dick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I dare you.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll drink some more first.

[Tristan Bowling]

Lewis, I have to piss so bad. And if this is you, I'm gonna pee my pants right here on the stage.

[Big J Okerson]

You happy? You gonna make sure some pisses pants?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I thought it was Tristan, but the way he's reacting right now is making me think it's not.

[Tristan Bowling]

If you make this big dude my.

[Big J Okerson]

Whole and it's you, I'm gonna be angry. Angry. Just give your fake answer if it's you face.

[Tristan Bowling]

It is him. I told you, never be happy about this. He always does it. It's his goddamn show as much as yours. And I don't know why, but he keeps winning.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm barely involved in this show.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If it's Tristan. He just convinced me that it wasn't him. And great work.

[Tristan Bowling]

I wish I was a genius like that. Straight up.

[Big J Okerson]

Not if you make us sit here all this time and it's been you. Everyone else is in because you're making some fucking fancy to do write a thing. If you say me, I'm gonna punch you because I know it's you. Then I'm gonna be upset. I'm gonna dead leg you. I'm gonna dead leg you like that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm thinking this is Josh barfucking.

[Big J Okerson]

Very possible. Alex, everybody's in. Fuck up Lewis's night. Please.

[Alex]

Story number six belongs to Josh Barnett.

[Tristan Bowling]

God damn it.

[Josh Barnett]

You, Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

You.

[Josh Barnett]

I'm a white guy with a pass, all right? It happens. The Section 8 kid showed me how to fucking steal and I grabbed.

[Big J Okerson]

You were Section eight or you hung out?

[Josh Barnett]

Are you kidding me? No, I was not section 8.

[Big J Okerson]

Fair parents were.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What's the problem section 8 kids?

[Josh Barnett]

Because my parents are blue collar as.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

No, I mean, my dad's like, yeah, beat your mom? He didn't do that. But yeah, I mean, it's just like.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, did she have to learn?

[Josh Barnett]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean.

[Josh Barnett]

No. Mom went to data entry and moved into, like, systems and. And networking and dad went to mama and running the whole, like, email. The email servers and all that for the hospital. But I grew up blue collar. As this kid taught me how to. You just steal? I was like, you can just do things. I did. At the last second, my grandma's like, hey, what's up, Josh? I'm like, boom. Blew the out of that place. Then all of a sudden, as I'm playing with my new Voltron, the vehicle one, not the lion one, my dad and dragged me all the way up the hill into the fucking. Into my bedroom, which was a bunk bed without only the upper bunk. And I'm like, keel hauled hands on the fucking bunk, getting attacked with a belt, just getting the shit ripped out of me. And then my mom calls the cops on me at the end of the day.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jesus Christ. Now, Mike, whose side were they on?

[Josh Barnett]

No, because here's the thing. Neither one of them were gonna have a thief in their family. That was the whole thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me ask you a question though. As a trained killer as you are technically a trained killer. Yeah. How do you feel about the fact that Tristan didn't respect you enough to sit through that whole story? Do you feel like maybe I love it? Do you think maybe. Do you think maybe he deserves a world class beating?

[Josh Barnett]

No.

[Tristan Bowling]

If he could handle what would be coming at him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Josh Barnett]

I met him him. I met his lady. I don't want any of them.

[Big J Okerson]

They're lovely.

[Tristan Bowling]

You were talking to my lady a little long back there, bro.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, sorry that she turned it. What the you mean by that, bro?

[Tristan Bowling]

You can see me this Saturday, brother.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, Tristan, you are definitely getting. I don't want the big boot.

[Josh Barnett]

I don't want the big boot.

[Big J Okerson]

You are getting blown in an Uber tonight, dude. Baby, you see, I almost said that. You see, I must have drop that guy. I mean, that guy was coming at you all sideways like.

[Tristan Bowling]

Hey, pal, it's nothing. Nah, you could kill me any second you wanted to.

[Big J Okerson]

What are our scores?

[Josh Barnett]

Never do that.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Josh Barnett]

At the end of the day, so.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't hit with.

[Josh Barnett]

What it came down to was just. It was a stupid decision as a kid. And that's it.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Did you get to keep the toy?

[Big J Okerson]

No, they turned.

[Josh Barnett]

You know what's funny?

[Big J Okerson]

They took your Voltron.

[Josh Barnett]

No, the fucking. What's funny is the. The pay and save didn't even fucking like.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What?

[Josh Barnett]

You stole something? Fucking register it. And you know what's funny is the kid who taught me to steal, he stole the shittiest stuff. Like the fucking army men with the parachutes and the dumb shit nobody.

[Big J Okerson]

Those were expected to be stolen.

[Josh Barnett]

Exactly. Like what? Who the fuck buys that anyways?

[Luis J. Gomez]

They're always coming.

[Josh Barnett]

Dust on the.

[Big J Okerson]

Look who just got three free lighters. What a jerk off.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our scores at after six stories before scores.

[Alex]

Can I ask Josh why this story made him think of happiness?

[Josh Barnett]

Because there was a glimmer of happiness and we thought we were getting away with it. And then we weren't so sure.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll accept it. And you know what?

[Josh Barnett]

We didn't know that happiness was going to come to an end until our dad. Dad. This ever living out of us.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What did he do?

[Big J Okerson]

You mean. You mean beat you up?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I mean, that's how you make a UFC fighter.

[Josh Barnett]

Tomato, tomato.

[Big J Okerson]

He goes, they did what? Oh, I'm gonna butt these kids so hard tonight.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, this is.

[Josh Barnett]

I don't know which one would have been more preferable.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, CPS will never get here in time to stop me from cornholing. You went real life.

[Josh Barnett]

Like my prostate would have been pleasured before that belt had done it.

[Tristan Bowling]

This is a ladder's chairs in your match.

[Josh Barnett]

It was an ass whooping. It was everything all at once.

[Big J Okerson]

That was the summer my father milked me.

[Josh Barnett]

He beat the out of me.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, well, everyone you fight in that octagon is your dad.

[Josh Barnett]

Actually, I respect him for it.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, nice.

[Josh Barnett]

Everyone I fight in the octagon is just someone in my way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Day.

[Big J Okerson]

Just a.

[Josh Barnett]

And they have to die.

[Big J Okerson]

Just a black. Yeah, just a black talking in the movie theater. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

I don't have enough fists for that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, how much, how nice must it be if there's black people talking in the movie theater to know that.

[Big J Okerson]

You can just stop it. If I had any kind of training, I would go, yeah, have you been to. I don't do that. I go, I just look at my girlfriend and go, okay, I wish, dude. If I. If I could perform an arm. If I even understood how an arm bar worked, I don't still. Big J, 25 years. I don't understand how it works, but if I could just turn around and go, hey man, we all paid for the movie enough. I. When I do, when I get to that point, I've already peeked back and been like, I probably could beat this fat guy up. And I go, that's enough. So if it's even anybody a shade darker than white, I go, damn, dude, you should go back and watch the 10 o'. Clock.

[Josh Barnett]

I have this for you.

[Tristan Bowling]

So I guess it's fantastic. Quattro.

[Josh Barnett]

Now My, my quadro Fantastic quattro time. My lady at the time of this story is black. And she's like, what the. These people won't shut the up, so.

[Big J Okerson]

And you go, yeah, you know that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I actually start.

[Josh Barnett]

I take my watch off, I do all this and I turn around and.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She'S like, oh, you were hiding your watch from your girlfriend?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, dude, this is.

[Josh Barnett]

What have you got?

[Big J Okerson]

You go, look at those black people talking. She was looking at you like, go ahead, go off. Don't let him see.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Josh Barnett]

And yeah, I take my watch off. I'm like, all right, if this is it, that's it. I turn around and I go, you're gonna be on your phone right now. And they just looked at me and they talked a little bit of. And I was like, like, are you sure you want to keep going with this? And they just like backed off. And another time with the same guy.

[Big J Okerson]

I've never had that situation.

[Josh Barnett]

Another time with the same gal. There was a whole like a bunch of sitting in front of me. We were kind of low in the audience and this kid had headphones on for his. His like Walkman cell. I don't know what the it was at the time.

[Tristan Bowling]

Walkman was right for sure that.

[Big J Okerson]

Anyway, I heard it has auto reverse. So it starts playing.

[Josh Barnett]

I told this kid.

[Tristan Bowling]

And then all of a sudden the talkies start.

[Josh Barnett]

I told this motherfucker. I was like, look, I can hear you. Your shit is so loud. I can hear you over the movie. Like, turn your off. Five minutes later, I could hear it crank back up again. I step up and I kick the front row in front of me and the whole row levels up and like all these like 14 year old girls freak out and run out of the movie theater.

[Sarah Tollemach]

What movie was it?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It.

[Tristan Bowling]

Lego Movie.

[Big J Okerson]

KE Reese, Mandy Moore Project and Walking the Clouds.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah, it was.

[Tristan Bowling]

It was a fine matinee of Coco Spice World.

[Big J Okerson]

Spice up your life. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

So, yeah, I unseated a whole row of seats just to tell some kids.

[Big J Okerson]

To get the absolute lutely. Dude, absolutely.

[Josh Barnett]

With my. My black girlfriend.

[Big J Okerson]

I respect the of that. How many times you had to point to her that day and be like, oh, am I explain this. Here, Kiss me for proof you'll French me. Everyone's looking. Let's look at our scores real quick. Alex, please.

[Sarah Tollemach]

All right.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard, in last place with two points, Tristan Bowling.

[Josh Barnett]

I like them. I like him.

[Big J Okerson]

Door the ball. You're still involved.

[Tristan Bowling]

Mostly here for moral support at this.

[Big J Okerson]

Point, I promise you, you're still involved.

[Alex]

In fourth place with seven points. L J Gomez still fourth.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

You got four points there, buddy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I thought I was gonna jump up.

[Big J Okerson]

Prime number.

[Josh Barnett]

It's a prime.

[Alex]

Tied for second place with eight points each. Big J Okerson and Sarah Tolo.

[Big J Okerson]

You got that one right, Sarah. Right.

[Sarah Tollemach]

The last one.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. No. Oh, I thought you threw.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I guess Jew.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, wrong.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah, I guess Jew. I went Jew.

[Alex]

And in the lead.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't have parents.

[Alex]

In the lead with 12 points, Josh Barnett.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm deceptive.

[Big J Okerson]

Josh, you are dangerously close to taking home the Blind side by Michael Lewis. It digs deep into the intersection of poverty.

[Josh Barnett]

What about the book do race, urban.

[Big J Okerson]

Youth and family, showing what happens when someone finally gets seen. With unforgettable characters and real world consequences, this book is a reminder that the biggest plays in life often come from people willing to step up and take that hit. Like Sandra Bullock, it's a story of perseverance, protection, and most importantly, courage.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for being a supporter of today's show. Body Brain Coffee is a coffee brand that I created right in my kitchen just to help you support your testosterone and brain function naturally. This isn't like other mushroom coffees that are out there. This is real premium freeze dried Colombian coffee that is packed with nootropics and adaptogens that naturally support your testosterone and brain function. It has Tonga ali, it has lion's mane, it's got ashwagandha, L theanine to smooth it all out in clinically proven doses. You just have to have one cup of coffee per day, bring it on the go with you, have it hot, have it cold, put it in a protein shake, whatever you need. Body Brain Coffee naturally has you covered. It tastes great and makes you feel great. Right now we're doing an amazing deal and I'm doing this on all my podcasts. I decided to switch it up, right, because if you're listening to my podcast, this is my product. I'm going to give you an extra deal. We're rolling out other podcast ads. You're going to start hearing about this on other podcasts and it's going to be less of a discount. We're doing just for my podcast, 25% off. Use the promo code War25. War25. War25. You're getting 25% off your entire order. Order a couple of bags to your house, you're not going to regret it. It'll be shipped just in a couple of days. It is clinically proven, third party tested. Give it a sh, brain coffee dot com. Use that promo code. War 25 for 25% off today. All right, where were we?

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, Story number seven.

[Alex]

Story number seven. For many years, I had very painful hemorrhoids. Anytime you saw me being happy, I was faking it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no, no. No.

[Big J Okerson]

Conversation necessary. It's Louis.

[Tristan Bowling]

I've seen the video of you and Ari Shaffir looking deeply into each other's assholes.

[Big J Okerson]

And there was despair.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I will say. I will say that for years I did have a very painful hemorrhoid. I would describe it exactly that way.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But it was not me.

[Big J Okerson]

It is you. I swear, by the way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I swear on my son's life. May my son get struck dead in his bed right now.

[Big J Okerson]

You said immediately. You told me once you found out your son was gay that you didn't love him anymore. So I. I don't believe your swears on his life anymore. You're ready for him to go. You hope AIDS takes the old fashioned way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're wasting it. I'm letting you know. I mean, this made my son die tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That is not me.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, Louis, it's gonna be a sad night for Beatrice.

[Josh Barnett]

Would it be from.

[Tristan Bowling]

I've seen the show.

[Big J Okerson]

May.

[Luis J. Gomez]

May my son die of hemorrhoid poisoning.

[Big J Okerson]

He already has it, Lewis.

[Tristan Bowling]

I've seen the show. You very frequently threaten your son's life.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep. I've never. I've never, like reckless. Hold on, hold on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, back me up on this. I've never once lied while swearing in my son's life. Now, Alex.

[Alex]

I can neither confirm nor deny that.

[Big J Okerson]

God damn, you are a piece of.

[Josh Barnett]

Red skin helping me.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Wait, can I ask a question? How are hemorrhoids caused gay sex?

[Big J Okerson]

Gay sex helps a lot. Pushing hard on the toilet for sure, you know, lifting weights or not wiping good enough. But here's what I'll tell you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're lifting weights. If you're like, really tough.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Tough and strong, eats a lot of protein.

[Big J Okerson]

I for sure, I problematically wipe my ass until it's clean beyond anything you would need. You could definitely. You could eat a loose blow pop out of it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You need a.

[Josh Barnett]

You need a bidet.

[Big J Okerson]

I have a bidet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How could it.

[Josh Barnett]

How can you use so much toilet paper?

[Big J Okerson]

Look, I don't use a lot of toilet paper.

[Josh Barnett]

I tell everyone.

[Big J Okerson]

I just told, go get my assholes clean.

[Josh Barnett]

You go to Japan, you learn the. The art, the excellence of the bidet.

[Big J Okerson]

And then I learned that in Wayne, New Jersey.

[Josh Barnett]

When you.

[Big J Okerson]

I put it on. And the idea is you keep your back straight and tall and then you just fucking turn left and right a little bit. You shimmy, you give it all and you eventually get where you hear the dead pulse of when it hits the asshole and stops going like it's just going, y'.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All.

[Big J Okerson]

And then, you know, and for the next. Next minute and 15 seconds, whatever the countdown is, it will clean the. The poops out of my ass. And then I will only take two wipes.

[Josh Barnett]

I always relate it to when you've washed a dish and you run your thumb across it. You get that that's how you are when you get up off of a bidet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

The guy's not wrong. And this guy's killed a man in Japan once.

[Josh Barnett]

You have to do like.

[Tristan Bowling]

You got to do an anal on.

[Big J Okerson]

A bidet for using his bidet.

[Tristan Bowling]

You gotta do like an anal swish and spit.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely. I'm telling you that I could.

[Tristan Bowling]

You scrape the back of the tongue.

[Big J Okerson]

I could probably aim when I let my body accept in water. I could probably aim where I hit. I could probably blow up a balloon on a clown's mouth.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's crazy to be this psyched about your asshole and also this psyched about Peter North.

[Big J Okerson]

You should be. You're too young to know who Peter north is, son.

[Tristan Bowling]

You're right. I'm not fantasizing about a guy's load. Tristan, you painted a picture.

[Big J Okerson]

Tristan with a load.

[Tristan Bowling]

I know Tristan.

[Big J Okerson]

There's plenty of young's porn stars who I sure blow magnificent loads. But Peter north is the OG they call him a decorator. He would change the structure of a woman's face with cum.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's not like he's changing it to like a typographical map of Utah. He's just coming on a girl's face and she's like, sick. It's the 90s.

[Big J Okerson]

Have you seen it? Absolutely. The guy's not a scientist.

[Josh Barnett]

It is topographical. Yes, absolutely. There are levels to this. There are different gradients.

[Big J Okerson]

The guy could definitely change the geographical structure of your face with his humongous menacum. Louis, vote hemorrhoids.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You look, here's what I'm going to say right now. Now this is what I know. A lot of times when women give birth, they pop a little Roido. They pop a little Roido right out of their butthole.

[Josh Barnett]

Yep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Been with a lot of gals who got kids. Hemorrhoids, regular thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, my mother. I know they cut it with that scissors when I watched her pussy get with the. I remember the magical night when my mom's became her pussy slash asshole.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Right. For years after. After having a baby. You're tired, hemorrhoid, everything.

[Big J Okerson]

Poop, babies, piss.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's a river Styx.

[Josh Barnett]

I can't wait to see Chiron.

[Big J Okerson]

You stare down that dark hole and see what mystery shows up next. Maybe a falcon, but with like puma paws.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Have you ever seen me happy?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Have you ever seen. I don't know if you're ever happy. You're like the incredible Hulk of depressiveness.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Thank you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're always a little.

[Big J Okerson]

You do. Your natural face is a scal.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Yeah, it's a scowl.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Sarah Tollemach]

But I'm actually pretty happy.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh sure. You have a. You have a. Fantastic.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But I'm going to tell you right now, I'm just. I'm going based off the fact that I know that most women that have babies get hemorrhoids. I'm going Sarah Tolos with her hemorrhoidy. We're all picturing it now.

[Josh Barnett]

Me too.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow, people.

[Josh Barnett]

But this was actually before you even came up with the description. This sounds very feminine in a way.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis dropped this hint 50 times on Legion of Skanks that he was having a hemorrhoid problem. He was like, yeah, but it's just like a stupid. I don't even care about.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But it came out I had a hemorrhoid problem. I. I told you that would be crazy if I put that. Yeah.

[Josh Barnett]

Now that he boxes, he didn't have hemorrhoids anymore.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, see, not anymore.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

He always say he's boxing his emotional hemorrhoids. Every day he goes there. He's boxing his father hemorrhoids and his mother wasn't a junkie.

[Josh Barnett]

Hemorrhoids?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, those two abortions. Hemorrhoids.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm really stuck.

[Big J Okerson]

You to name them. Gary and Clark. Gary Clark Jr. Gary Clark Jr.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm really stuck. I'm trying to. It's either Sarah or Lewis or it's Josh.

[Big J Okerson]

It could be Josh.

[Tristan Bowling]

It could just be heavy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean I could take a hammer.

[Tristan Bowling]

You know what, Josh? Because the lady.

[Big J Okerson]

When you're clanging and banging that hard, dude, you could blow an for sure easily.

[Josh Barnett]

There's a ring just spent flapping in the ring.

[Big J Okerson]

That's how he lost Mike for three months. G. Mike.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm saying Josh because there's a woman who is correct about Sarah's shoes. And if I lose, and if I lose, it's your fault. And I'M coming for you.

[Big J Okerson]

That's the woman who sold heroin to Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[Josh Barnett]

Thank you for the master.

[Big J Okerson]

He was done. You were right to kill him. That was all of it. That was all the good stuff.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our stories are in. Whose story was this?

[Alex]

I think you know whose story this was, Lewis. Story number seven belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

I said it. Second one, dude. Second one. I guess you.

[Tristan Bowling]

God damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

I know about your dusty dirty ass. You know you never clean, right?

[Josh Barnett]

You know why I hate this? Because I did his podcast and he was happy then, but it's all clearly a lie.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, this lied to me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yes, you did. You said it with your eyes.

[Big J Okerson]

Why would you hurt young Tristan?

[Tristan Bowling]

Do you not understand?

[Big J Okerson]

Ready for this?

[Tristan Bowling]

This is all I have. First off, we got a long way to go. All right, this is my mom, everybody. Give it up for her.

[Big J Okerson]

She loves you, boy.

[Tristan Bowling]

She loves her boy.

[Big J Okerson]

She loves you, boy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I. Yeah, no, I had. There's not much more to the story. I had a very painful hemorrhoid.

[Big J Okerson]

As your friend, I feel bad almost taking the points. As your friend, I know off microphone a lot. You go, yeah, that was funny, that thing we did last week. But, like, it actually is bad. It hurts.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I swear to God. There was a two year period where, I mean, like, anytime I was smiling, I was, like, forcing it up. It was so bad and it was brutal. Now, let me Very sure. Tristan, you remember, like, a very old, classic moment from Legion of Skanks.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I complained. I was like, dude. I was like, my hemorrhoid's brutal. And this before I knew about Ari's. And he was like, your horror is probably nothing. And I was like, dude, I was like, trust me, it's really bad. He's like, let me see it right now. And then I showed him my. He was like, that's not a hammer. Does it even.

[Big J Okerson]

He's right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Then we opened up Ari's and we looked into the Demogorgon's face from Stranger Things.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's a Hellraiser box.

[Big J Okerson]

Two people in the audience turned the stone like Medusa. It was. Ari's is a different thing. It's like. I don't even know. It's like the mouth fly out like.

[Josh Barnett]

Hellraiser a little bit.

[Big J Okerson]

It's like the mouth of, like, I don't know what, like a Jim Henson labyrinth.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know, remember in Beetlejuice, the original one where they stretch out their faces?

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's what looks.

[Big J Okerson]

Ari's looks like Alec Baldwin's face. When he changed it to scare people in Beetlejuice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I was gonna say Gina Davis. The eyeballs inside of the mouth with.

[Big J Okerson]

The eyeballs on the tongue. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, for sure. But, Lewis, I know you had a painful hemorrhoid and you were living with it, but here's my concern with you. You. Years is crazy. Years makes me worry about that because why wouldn't you handle that within, like, weeks?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, it's not handling it.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't do it months.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I just don't have a hemorrhoid anymore. I guess my sucked it back up somehow. I. There's.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe you just thought maybe the hemorrhoid's just dead on your.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's not true. That's not the way it works. It was never addressed with the doctor.

[Tristan Bowling]

You don't know the way it works, man. You just had your ass.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Your hemorrhoids words. It's. It's essentially an inflamed vein in your. We all look at the doctor.

[Big J Okerson]

The Indian doctor knows.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's like. That is what it.

[Big J Okerson]

He's a DJ. I thought this is some DJs thing. No, you know what? I. Apologies. He became a DJ 17 years, a doctor by 12. I'm sorry. He went to college at 8 years old.

[Josh Barnett]

He's dark as too. Look at him.

[Big J Okerson]

He is dark as. It was weird that you're the one that said that he's got a black.

[Josh Barnett]

Shirt on his strange eyeballs.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what, Josh? You have a lot to lose. Let me and Lewis handle this. He is. He is freakishly athletic.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you.

[Big J Okerson]

Without a doubt.

[Luis J. Gomez]

For sure, sir. You look like Sentry from the New Avengers.

[Big J Okerson]

It looks like he came to our fine country in a row. You mean the tiger on it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The void.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at DJ Ashraf?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard in last place with only two points. Tristan Bowling.

[Big J Okerson]

You've been on fire, though. Funny W. Funny wise. On fire.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Crushing it, dude.

[Tristan Bowling]

In a way. In a way, the people's winner.

[Big J Okerson]

Look, points wise was not worth you getting out of bed. But emotional wise, the people are involved.

[Tristan Bowling]

Lewis texted me in the middle of a movie with my girlfriend.

[Big J Okerson]

He said she still. She still wants to find out how that stupid movie ends.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, we're going to go see together. Which is the not raped Franco.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that is the.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, the other guy.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, the other one.

[Big J Okerson]

The unrapy Franco. Except in this movie, he gets connected to a girl, which is pretty rapey. Yeah, it's not good for the family but good for the one brother.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Big J Okerson]

Together in theaters now.

[Alex]

In fourth place with 11 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Can I please get ahead?

[Josh Barnett]

Stay there there.

[Big J Okerson]

Guy is good. Guy plays every week. He shows up.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn. The bridge between me and Lewis is literally like nine points.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You. Tristan, at this point, literally you cannot win.

[Tristan Bowling]

I know it's.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you can win with a miracle involving double points.

[Tristan Bowling]

Can we start quadruple points?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Points.

[Big J Okerson]

That would be crazy. Tristan, you sound like a fool back there.

[Tristan Bowling]

Sorry, guys. I'm a dreamer. Obama got us here, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

I appreciate the fact you think outside the box, but you sound like a fucking asshole right now. Alex, story number eight.

[Alex]

Wait, wait, wait. And tied for the lead with 12 points each.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I assume three way tie.

[Alex]

Big J Okerson, Josh Barnett and Sarah Tollemach.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're now my sworn enemy and I'm very close. I'm at 11.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I'm win.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This last story is going to be so fucking crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

I really hope we gave Tristan 20 bucks because this is not worth it hanging out anymore.

[Josh Barnett]

He needs that book.

[Big J Okerson]

He does need that book.

[Tristan Bowling]

I've never even seen the movie.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's see. By the way, if he got a.

[Tristan Bowling]

Full if not crazy. You think I grew up with sports. Eat a.

[Big J Okerson]

If Tristan had a complete sweep right now with DP scoring 8 points get to. He would be just behind Lewis, who's in last place. Now just where Lewis wants before the question. If he does everything you do to get the most exciting round possible in his favor, he still comes in absolute last place.

[Tristan Bowling]

Hey, you guys check the citizen app because I'm killing myself.

[Big J Okerson]

He's gonna Tristan and I know him from back in Arizona. He's gonna light fires tonight.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, you saw what happened on Monday. You think you guys saw what fucking happened.

[Big J Okerson]

You think Tristan bowling wasn't prepared for a live active shooter situation?

[Tristan Bowling]

I got a duffel bag in the car.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex. Our final story. Story number eight.

[Alex]

Story number eight. While walking with a group of my very high friends, we got stuck behind a group of sloppy drunks. Aggravated, we sped past them just to turn around and realize it was a group of down syndrome adult.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, I do that rules. That's awesome. You can never tell my heart.

[Josh Barnett]

Down. He's bullied whoever this was too.

[Big J Okerson]

My heart of hearts is Tristan. This is an.

[Tristan Bowling]

They don't allow down syndrome people in Arizona. Joe Arpaio snipped that in the bud.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Joe Arapo. Yeah, you're right. Your sheriff doesn't like. He puts him in pink and makes him stand behind him in a weird field.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wait, who? Whose story was the last story?

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, what?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Hemorrhoid. It's yours.

[Josh Barnett]

It was yours.

[Big J Okerson]

It was your Jeff.

[Josh Barnett]

About hemorrhoids. You forget so soon?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. I mean, told that whole story connected.

[Josh Barnett]

To your most personal assets.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's your show.

[Big J Okerson]

The Got wood guy got woke up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every time I look at him, he's.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, you can convince me right now. That's Rake yawn from Jackass. 1, 2, and 3.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting Sarah Tolomach vibes. It's a very. It's a funny written story. Sarah's a funny writer.

[Big J Okerson]

Sarah, it's funny. I know you almost only as, like. I mean, a comed, obviously a comedian, but like in social situations with Joe and as a mother. Were you a pothead at one point?

[Tristan Bowling]

She didn't mouth.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I smoked weed, but it wasn't a drug of choice.

[Josh Barnett]

You just. You didn't inhale.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I didn't inhale. Friends.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Could have been, but the friends were very.

[Big J Okerson]

You're right, the friends.

[Sarah Tollemach]

Right.

[Big J Okerson]

And Sarah loves laughing at. I don't know a lot about Sarah, but I know a few things, and one of them definitely is. Just has a million laughs of retard. Right.

[Sarah Tollemach]

That's what Joe and I brought. Joe and I together.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I mean, plus, I mean, they're in Africa. They're on some sort of safari trail. Yeah, I feel like they're great.

[Tristan Bowling]

You know, you see the grazing amongst the plains, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely, dude. With rhinoceros, which are very dangerous. Hippopotamus endangered.

[Sarah Tollemach]

I'm gonna guess Tristan, because you're young and you still have a group of friends.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[Tristan Bowling]

You're right. You've never had a group of friends once in your entire life.

[Sarah Tollemach]

No, I have.

[Josh Barnett]

I mean, I like the idea.

[Tristan Bowling]

So why couldn't it be you?

[Big J Okerson]

I do like the idea of that in South Africa.

[Tristan Bowling]

You guys would like. I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

What if it's. What if it's Josh Barnett with a bunch of his friends. But it's high elite level fighters. We were so sloppy drunk. Beat it, retards. And then we beat them into being normal. I arm barred a guy until he did long division. That girl's leaving. I was sorry about your retard brother.

[Josh Barnett]

I just wouldn't.

[Big J Okerson]

That girl's got a retard brother. She gets mad. She'll be fine.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, I'm gonna start the voting going. I. I feel like this is Sarah. I don't know. I'm getting Sarah vibes.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis, if this is. You can tell me if this is you Please. I'll continue to do the show with you, but our friendship's over as you know it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's okay.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't give a fuck either.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Then Wordy, your friendship is a patient.

[Josh Barnett]

I think it's a woman. I think it's Sarah.

[Big J Okerson]

Your friendship is meaningless to me.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm quoting Sarah as well. Because I want to be cool and I want you guys to like me.

[Big J Okerson]

I do like you, Tristan. Stop it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I already like you better than you. Look. How great is Tristan tonight?

[Big J Okerson]

Guys?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Come on.

[Big J Okerson]

Guys.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm coming right now.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Everyone's answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

The final story belongs to Tristan Bowling.

[Tristan Bowling]

Almost a queen sweep. If it wasn't for the. This witch beside me.

[Big J Okerson]

What a horrible, terrible person.

[Tristan Bowling]

You goddamn bitch. No, no, it would. No. So me and my buddies got obliterated in my Toyota Avalon.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice.

[Tristan Bowling]

Before it. Going to see a Coyotes game in Phoenix. We won tickets. Just because they're giving them out. They're not even team anymore.

[Big J Okerson]

Are they not.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, no. It's shocking. Turns out hockey doesn't work well in Arizona.

[Big J Okerson]

No shit. Hundred one hundred and nineteen degrees in the winter. They don't have.

[Tristan Bowling]

I know, right? Is that shocking?

[Big J Okerson]

Isn't that becoming cost effective because of the ice?

[Tristan Bowling]

No, the Zamboni guys paid heavily, but no. We were walking in front of just the slowest group of all time and we're already high. So we're walking slow and we're like, these guys. Every time someone would pass us in a Coyotes jersey, they would start howling. And so we're like, these guys are obliterated. And then we like sped walked past him like, look at these dick bags. And it was just a gaggle of just the most down syndrome guys we've ever seen.

[Sarah Tollemach]

They could have been drunk too.

[Tristan Bowling]

Nah, I mean, they could have been drunk too, but they're more down syndrome than drunk.

[Sarah Tollemach]

They can drink.

[Josh Barnett]

I mean, drinking usually doesn't put your eyes further across.

[Big J Okerson]

You'd be surprised when I did karaoke. A lot of retards like to sing drunk. And I mean, that popped positively no.

[Tristan Bowling]

So we. We walked past your thoughts. Yeah, we walked past a flock and.

[Josh Barnett]

Is that the technical term?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, it's called a goofy.

[Big J Okerson]

You're wrong.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's a goofy down syndrome.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. I thought it was a murder of tards, but.

[Tristan Bowling]

Is that the next book we're raffling off?

[Big J Okerson]

I think it is the Murder of Tards, starring Gregory Pennsylvania Back.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's a Dickens novel. Dickens Couch. But no. So we walked past them and we all just started chuckling like, oh, my God. We thought they were drunk. And then they howled again. And my buddy looks at me, he's like, they're turning into werewolves.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, God.

[Tristan Bowling]

And that became hardy.

[Big J Okerson]

And then downstairs, they already had superhuman strength as humans.

[Tristan Bowling]

I know they're. They're honestly exceptional and truly the perfect soldier. But.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, I could all play the piano, like, carry the heaviest weapons.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, yeah, dude. Imagine a downstream guy with a light machine gun.

[Big J Okerson]

Yo, is that retarded guy holding a tech gun? Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Is that a 50 cal? He's just straddling. No, but we. We eventually we gave. We're still high as. And they got on the Jumbotron and just kept on howling. And that's when my girlfriend at the time got. Got very upset because we were laughing hysterically at these guys turning into werewolves in front of us. But in actuality, they were chomping down on devil dogs, having the time of their life. Shout out the down center community.

[Big J Okerson]

She didn't like that. You were a piece of. It's time for her to go.

[Josh Barnett]

Or enjoying life.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. What are you enjoying?

[Sarah Tollemach]

Or happiness.

[Big J Okerson]

What are you laughing at? The misfortune of others. Like a normal person.

[Tristan Bowling]

I choose to call it Living la vida loca.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, exactly. Exactly. It is.

[Josh Barnett]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

And no. It was fantastic.

[Big J Okerson]

Push and pull you out. La vida loco.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Right side inside out.

[Big J Okerson]

A lot of those retards are eyes are color red and. And their skins are the color mocha.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I only know that pull you out.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Living la vida loca. Yeah. And I only know that song from Shrek too.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Big J Okerson]

I only know from trying to get laid in 97.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex. What is our final spread at eight stories. This is crazy. I have no idea who won right now. No idea who is in the place. This is crazy.

[Alex]

In last place. No longer. With the lowest score in Story wars history with eight points.

[Tristan Bowling]

Hey, Alex, don't frame it like that. Hey, Alex.

[Alex]

You got yourself out of it, dude. It was really. It was that close.

[Big J Okerson]

She's gonna frame it how she wants to frame it.

[Alex]

Trisa.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Bowling.

[Tristan Bowling]

Look at the beers I've gathered. My girlfriend's gonna be pissed.

[Alex]

In fourth place with 11 points off Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I hate losing. I still love you guys, though.

[Tristan Bowling]

You're at the bottom with me, pal. Water's warm. I did pee in it.

[Alex]

We have a tie for second place with 12 points each. And your winner tonight with 16 points, Sarah Toloma.

[Big J Okerson]

From the Big J.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And Josh Ty at 12. Sarah gets the book. 16 points.

[Big J Okerson]

The blind side.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's the blind side. That's right. True story going back to Saratolemash.

[Big J Okerson]

I like the digging of this. This is good. This is. You could have just adopted a black child, then become an athlete, but you gave birth to a white child with no athletic skills. Read this and weep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're gonna sign it.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you didn't sign it yet. I'm sorry. Give it back to. Lewis can sign it. We're all gonna sign it, by the way. We're gonna sign it. You're gonna take it home. Thank God, because they will toss it here like it's garbage. How about a big round of applause for our winner, Sarah Tallemache. Your newest story warrior Sarah. We always gotta let every winner know that you now wield the power of saying the phrase that gets everybody to go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The phrase that pays.

[Big J Okerson]

The phrase that pays.

[Sarah Tollemach]

What's the phrase that.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, what happens for the last four stories? We go double points, everybody. Big congratulations to our newest story warrior, Sarah Tallemash. How about it for Tristan Bowling? Tristan Bowling, first time on the show. UFC legend, MMA legend Josh Barnett. Thank you guys for being here for Story Wars. We'll catch you guys next time. Until then, good.