054. Patton Oswalt, Adam Carolla, & Jason Mewes | Day Jobs

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz Episode 054 – Patton Oswalt, Adam Carolla, & Jason Mewes | Day Jobs

Overview

In Episode 054 of Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling, hosted by GaS Digital Network, comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez invite esteemed guests Patton Oswalt, Adam Carolla, and Jason Mewes to participate in an engaging and humorous competition. The episode, released on August 15, 2025, takes place live at The Stand Comedy Club in New York City. The central theme revolves around "Day Jobs," where each participant shares personal stories related to their various employment experiences, aiming to deceive their fellow panelists about the authorship of these tales.

Game Mechanics

At the heart of the episode is the game "Story Wars," wherein each panelist submits three to five stories based on the designated topic—in this case, "Day Jobs." The producer, Alex, reads out eight of these stories one by one. The objective for the panelists is twofold:

1. Disguise Ownership: If the story is one of their own, they must convince others that it isn’t theirs.
2. Identify Authorship: If the story isn’t theirs, they must correctly guess who among the panelists is the true author.

Scoring Rules:

• Fooling Others: Successfully deceiving a panelist about the story's origin awards the deceiver one point per person fooled.
• Correct Identification: Accurately identifying the story’s author grants two points for each correct guess.

Key Discussions and Highlights

1. Introduction of Guests:

   • Jason Mewes: Best known for his roles alongside Kevin Smith as Jay in the Clerks series, Mewes brings a playful and competitive spirit to the game.
   • Patton Oswalt: An acclaimed comedian and actor, Oswalt adds intellectual humor and sharp wit.
   • Adam Carolla: Host of The Adam Carolla Show, Carolla contributes his signature candid and irreverent humor.

2. Initial Stories and Reactions:

   • The first story involves working at a video rental store where the protagonist deals with a "do not rent" list due to family associations. This prompts humorous banter, particularly between Louis and Jason, as they try to discern the story’s true author.
   • Patton Oswalt humorously struggles with the nuances of the game’s rules, adding levity to the competition.

3. Second Story – Navigating a Unique Workplace:

   • The second story discusses working in a specialized warehouse environment, leading to jokes about the nature of the products handled and the complexities of maintaining professionalism in such settings.
   • Patton Oswalt and Adam Carolla bring outlandish speculations about each other’s potential involvement, enhancing the comedic tension.

4. Third and Fourth Stories – Escalating Deceptions:

   • Subsequent stories delve into more outrageous workplace scenarios, including interactions with eccentric clients and unconventional job duties.
   • As the game progresses, the competition intensifies, with Luis J. Gomez steadily leading the scoreboard, much to the chagrin of his fellow panelists.

5. Fifth and Sixth Stories – Peak Comedy and Tension:

   • The stories reach a peak of absurdity, touching upon bizarre job responsibilities that test the panelists’ ability to maintain composure and continue the deceptive narrative.
   • Jason Mewes showcases his comedic prowess by maintaining a facade despite the increasingly ridiculous nature of the stories.

6. Final Stories – The Climax:

   • The final stories push the boundaries of the game, with Patton Oswalt making a bold move by suggesting quadruple points, thereby upending the game's dynamics.
   • The panelists engage in a frenzy of accusations and defenses, culminating in a high-stakes finale where Louis J. Gomez triumphs with an unprecedented score of 24 points, securing his victory in Story Warz history.

Notable Quotes

• Louis J. Gomez (00:30): "Story Wars merch store now up and functioning. Everyone get your goddamn merch right now."
• Jason Mewes (07:58): "Sign up for your $1 a month trial at shopify.com listen shopify.com listen Skank."
• Patton Oswalt (07:10): "It's a big deal, but you did say it wrong."
• Adam Carolla (17:42): "Oh, well."
• Louis J. Gomez (29:34): "Alex, story number two belongs to Adam Carolla."
• Jason Mewes (55:58): "All swings are sex swings when Adam's around."
• Patton Oswalt (67:14): "I'm going to have sex with this guy and [inaudible], and [inaudible] on him."

Concluding Remarks

The episode culminates with Louis J. Gomez emerging as the winner, amassing 24 points and setting a new record for the show. The panelists, despite their fierce competition and playful antagonism, end the episode on a high note, celebrating the camaraderie and humor that Story Warz fosters among its participants. The inclusion of guest stars like Patton Oswalt, Adam Carolla, and Jason Mewes not only elevates the entertainment value but also brings diverse comedic styles to the fore, making Episode 054 a standout installment in the Story Warz series.

Final Scoreboard:

1. Louis J. Gomez – 24 Points
2. Big Jay Oakerson – 12 Points
3. Patton Oswalt – 9 Points
4. Jason Mewes – 5 Points
5. Adam Carolla – 4 Points

Join the Next Episode

Listeners are encouraged to tune in to future episodes of Story Warz for more hilarious storytelling, celebrity guests, and intense competitions. Don’t miss out on the fun—whether you're a fan of stand-up comedy or enjoy seeing your favorite comedians engage in playful rivalry, Story Warz promises endless entertainment.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shopify's point of sale system helps you sell at every stage of your business.

[Adam Carolla]

Need a fast and secure way to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Take payments in person? We've got you covered.

[Adam Carolla]

How about card readers you can rely.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On anywhere you sell? Thanks.

[Jason Mewes]

Have a good one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep, that too.

[Adam Carolla]

Want one place to manage all your.

[Alex]

Online and in person sales?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's kind of our thing. Wherever you sell. Businesses that grow grow with Shopify.

[Jason Mewes]

Sign up for your $1 a month.

[Alex]

Trial at shopify.com listen shopify.com listen Skank.

[Jason Mewes]

Fest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the legion of skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great news, everybody. Story wars merch store now up and functioning. Everyone get your goddamn merch right now.

[Jason Mewes]

Represent the show that you love. Show that you are yourself a story warrior. We got T shirts, we got hoodies, maybe socks one day. StoryWarsMerch.com is the way butt plugs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That thing you can put inside of a woman and you control it from your phone.

[Jason Mewes]

The Story wars breakfast cereal. The Story wars flamethrow. Go to storywarsmerch.com and grab your merch today. What's going on? Story Warriors. If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun. Buck face. New YorkComedyClub.com hey, before we start today's Story wars, let's talk about our amazing sponsor, Yo Kratom. Yo Kratom. Our marquee sponsor of Skankfest every year. They've been with us for a very, very long time. Support a brand that supports the kind of comedy you love. If you're in the market for Kratom and you're over 21, high quality, lab tested, delivered right to your door. Kratom. Pretty great. Great, em. It's great, em. Make sure you check them out. Still home of that 60 kilo. Get one for yourself right now or get it for somebody else. Y dot Com. All right, let's start this show. Fill her up.

[Adam Carolla]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Jason Mewes]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Live from the coffee store in Los Angeles with your host, the Story Warriors, Big J Okinson and Louis J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. What the fuck is up, Los Angeles, California?

[Jason Mewes]

I'm so excited to be back here. This, I will tell you right now. Last time we were in la, my favorite Story wars episode that we ever did. You guys are incredible. You're incredible.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Says it every week. You say it every week to every crowd, you piece of shit.

[Jason Mewes]

That's not true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're gaslighting the audience.

[Jason Mewes]

I only say it to crowds where future me shows up in the front row. Hello.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. Hello, Future. That guy's. Definitely you. Look how much you're showing off your thighs in your older years.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait to get there. He looks so comfortable and happy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at his. Is that his uncomfortable girlfriend with him? Do you know the show? How many people here know the show Story Wars?

[Jason Mewes]

Who is unfamiliar with the show Story Wars. Get em. I'll tell you what, you guys are in for a real treat tonight, and we will explain what the show is. But you guys, we have an amazing panel. Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We do indeed. Do you want me to introduce the first person? Please. All right, everybody, you know our first guest from the film Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot. He's the most hilarious person in the world to almost all of us. Make some noise for Jason Muse in the house.

[Jason Mewes]

Jason, very happy to have you on Story Wars.

[Patton Oswalt]

Thank you. I appreciate.

[Jason Mewes]

It's a big deal. Our next.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Our next competitor sounded sarcastic is why they're laughing.

[Jason Mewes]

No, I understand. It is. It's a big deal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a big deal. It's a big deal, but you did say it wrong. You were like, jason Muse, big deal. It's a fucking huge deal.

[Jason Mewes]

No, you were taking it the wrong way. I was saying it was a big deal for you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was taking it the way you said it.

[Jason Mewes]

That's not true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You may have meant it a different way, but you.

[Jason Mewes]

No, you don't understand what I'm saying. I was saying it's a big deal for him to finally get on the show. Like Story Wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, that. I got it back to back that up. I got to back that up.

[Jason Mewes]

Our second panelist on the show. Very excited. You know him from the Adam Corolla show. Clap it up for Adam Corolla.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Adam, so good to have you here. Thank you for being part of the show.

[Big J Okerson]

My pleasure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was sarcastic.

[Big J Okerson]

I get to speak in front of people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good. This is gonna be big for you. Last but not least, our third and final contestant on Story wars tonight. You know, I'm from Ghostbusters, Frozen Empire, Ratatouille. Who's the piece of shit who gave those as the goddamn. How about a comedy fucking legend? Everybody make some noise. Nobody thought he was going to be here. Nobody. Make some noise for Patton Oswald, everybody. That was groovy.

[Jason Mewes]

Hell yeah. Pat, thank you for being here. Even though it's considered career suicide to associate with us.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm just here to raise money for Diddy's defense fund. I hope to win a lot of money for him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's good. He's not gonna get pardoned, so we gotta do everything we can. All right, that makes sense. Serafina, could you grab me my bag, my satchel with my reading glasses, please? You think she heard that?

[Jason Mewes]

Maybe. Who knows? She's probably freaking out in the back right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she's gonna have to heard her.

[Patton Oswalt]

Just like, fuck you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's very possible. It's very possible she's at her wit's end. Is she? Oh, nice. Thank you. For anybody here who's not familiar with the game Story wars or people listening at home for the first time, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject. Today's subject, Day jobs. Day jobs.

[Jason Mewes]

Ooh, day jobs. That's right.

[Big J Okerson]

I gotta. I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I thought it said gay jobs. Every story ended up with me blowing a guy in an alley.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was it during the day?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, the light. Well, the sun was up. The sun was up. And I got paid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Square biz.

[Jason Mewes]

All right, Square.

[Adam Carolla]

We've all seen the man show. We know we've seen the show. That was one of the best segments that's went viral.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All five of us have submitted stories on day jobs. Our lovely producer Alex is going to read eight of those stories one at a time. It'll appear here on the screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to convince everybody else in the panel that it's not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

And every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points for every person that Guesses you on the panel. I'm sorry. For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point. I'm sorry. I fucked it up too many times. Pat and Oswald makes me very nervous.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, I'm already lost right now.

[Jason Mewes]

Of course you are.

[Adam Carolla]

One more time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fumfering around. Thank you.

[Jason Mewes]

Get away from me, Serafina. Christ, you're a child. She's a vixen. She comes onto all of us backstage.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Get the fuck out of here, you sexy child with your boobs would probably stand straight up and shit.

[Jason Mewes]

For every. Every time you guess correctly. It's two points for every person on the panel, you fool. It is one point once you write the person's name on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand. That is your final answer. That's that. And I'll tell you right now, gentlemen, we're. It's a lot of fun. We're gonna have so much fun. For the people who haven't been here, it's a ton of fun. But we are not playing for fun. Jason, let them know what we're playing for.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every week here on Story Wars. Every week here on Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. And today, today's book, this week's winner takes home. At Home with the Queen by Brian Hoey. At Home with the Queen is the true account of Angela Kelly, the queen's personal dresser and close companion who spent more than two decades living and working inside the royal household. It's a behind the scenes portrait of daily life with Queen Elizabeth told by the woman who saw her in moments both grand and ordinary. I'm sorry you guys came on a good night.

[Adam Carolla]

Your fans are gonna rush the fucking stage to get that thing. I'm just saying it's gonna be really intense here.

[Big J Okerson]

I got this shit on audio already, so I'll donate it if I win. Plus, I went to DraftKings and put a lot of money down on Jason earlier today, so I may be phoning it in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Those odds are still live if you're watching at home. Everybody. DraftKings. I think this crowd understands what's happening. I think our panel understands what's happening. Are we ready for war then, Alex? With no further ado. Story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. I worked at a video rental place when I was a teenager. I would read negative notes about my family left by other employees on the computer. We were on the do not rent list.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I this has given me flicks of Patton Oswald for some reason, I don't know why.

[Patton Oswalt]

So do we go in order? Like how does I stole.

[Jason Mewes]

I still lost. No, no, it's okay. Nobody lost. So this actually might be Jason playing the game right now. Yeah, this could be Jason's story. He's playing stupid right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nope, I think he doesn't know what we're doing.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's how he's going to win y. Damn it.

[Patton Oswalt]

I can't wait to get fucking read that book, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, we talk out to see who we think it is.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, okay.

[Jason Mewes]

And you could lie right now. You can do whatever you want to do.

[Adam Carolla]

Hang on this. Doesn't this beg the question who had a family that was so unpleasant but they themselves were charming enough that the store was like, let's hire this kid from this family that we hate.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they know the family, so.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they know the family, but this. So again, if we're talking about like insanely charming kind of looking at Adam Caroll on this one.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I do have a certain je ne sais quoi.

[Jason Mewes]

I mean when Adam was a teenager, VHS didn't exist yet.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, we used wax cylinders. We had to wind the gramophone.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah, I feel like Patton and Adam are out on this one.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, they didn't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

By the way, video rental place implies not a chain. Like this is a real. Like there's a. Like the bead curtain for the porn.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

If those bead. If those bead curtains could talk, I would. They'd give up the names of a lot of priests.

[Jason Mewes]

The porn.

[Big J Okerson]

It was funny what they'd used to delineate. Cuz there was a place that I went to that had old time salooni Western doors.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I knew a place like that.

[Big J Okerson]

I always wanted to walk through it and go, all right, this porn section is only big enough for one sheriff who's got a beat off by High Noon. Like it's a weird. Like it's a weird thing, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. The fun of the saloon doors was if you squat down to look at a regular movie on the lower shelf near the saloon doors, you get hit some of the covers. Little fat perv kid 101.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Or someone who might work at a video store would know that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just a guy up here telling some jokes, man.

[Big J Okerson]

Talking to someone that's restocked the porn section.

[Adam Carolla]

Jason. Just Agatha Christie, that one. That was a slip up. That was a slip up, Mr. Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was taken to court by Video Place before though. A video rental place for not returning pornography. That seems like that's A story for a different show, all right?

[Jason Mewes]

A different storytelling show that you're a part of. It's literally a story for this show, all right?

[Big J Okerson]

So you had to be decent, but.

[Jason Mewes]

Your family had to be hot trash.

[Patton Oswalt]

Can I write that now? We write your name down?

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah, yeah, you can start writing down whatever you want. I am. I am getting Big J vibes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Jason Mewes]

Did you work in a video? You did work at a video store.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Patton Oswalt]

You guys probably know each other really well, too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We do.

[Jason Mewes]

You did.

[Patton Oswalt]

Can we Google shit?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Patton Oswalt]

Like, is he in?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. You know what? I thought we knew a lot about each other, but I don't know what the fuck Lewis is talking.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Jason Mewes]

Did you work at a video store?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yup.

[Patton Oswalt]

Am I spelling it right? I've had it right.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna go with Quentin Tarantino and just fucking see if I can.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm going Big J over this.

[Patton Oswalt]

Wait, what? Yeah. How are we gonna decide? Oh, so it's Big J and Bigger J.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not funny to me because he showed me in the back and he'.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, boy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Which. Which J. Patton. Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. Hang on.

[Big J Okerson]

You writing gay is not going to delineate.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was. I thought you were going to put the. I thought you were going to put the ger on the end. All right, Damn. Someone's. All right, I'm gonna. Who'd you guess?

[Jason Mewes]

You.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you out of your mind? You've convinced yourself. I've told you, I worked at a video store in my life.

[Jason Mewes]

I mean, everyone voted already. You definitely worked at a video store.

[Patton Oswalt]

Thank you.

[Jason Mewes]

You forget that you tell me these things.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Never once, for even a day in my life did I ever work at a video store. There's nothing to lose now.

[Jason Mewes]

You had, like, two day jobs ever. One of them was at a video store.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have not had a lot of day jobs. That's true. But none of them was at a video store.

[Jason Mewes]

Uh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh. Never once. There's nothing to lose now. I guess there's nothing to lose.

[Jason Mewes]

I guess you're right. Mm. You voted for yourself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bigger J. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll bow to another man's peace if he shows it to me. All the answers are in story number.

[Alex]

One belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Patton Oswalt]

So wait, now explain. We all lose points.

[Jason Mewes]

No, I'm the only one who got points there. Now here's the thing. I'll say, you know, look, I win this game a lot. I'm very good at the game. I see the comments. I read the comments. On YouTube. And people are like, dude, this show sucks. Louis always wins.

[Big J Okerson]

I can't help being good.

[Jason Mewes]

I don't know what else to do except for being so fucked up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, fuck. It just fucking hit me, dude. You know for a fact I never worked at a video store?

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well.

[Jason Mewes]

It was, it was. It was Blockbuster Video, which was my least favorite job that I ever had in my entire life. And yeah, me and my family, we would. I mean, we had multiple accounts. My cat had an account, My aunt had an account. So they would literally, they put my family on the do not rent list. They had all of our names listed. I got a job there finally. And I was like, oh, that's fucking crazy. Cause like, I saw, I saw you could put notes. So I deleted all the notes and my family was able to rent again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You built your family's name back up.

[Adam Carolla]

In the community, but they never put together that you were part of that.

[Jason Mewes]

Family or they just had no idea.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis grew up like Gilbert Grape. He had to just fucking has always had to try to get the family better. Taking care of a retard.

[Jason Mewes]

I was the retard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis was the.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm sorry, I was the retard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis was Arnie. His sister was Gilbert Grape. And then the fat mom.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex. After one story. Where are our points at?

[Alex]

All right on the scoreboard. All alone with four points. Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you clapping for? Aren't you bored of clapping for Lewis? They love it.

[Jason Mewes]

Let's take a quick moment and thank one of our incredible new sponsors on the show, which is Cash app and Cash App card for all the parents out there with teenagers. And my son's about to be a teenager. Jay, you've had a teenager for a long time. You know what's going on. You know, difficult it is to try to keep control of a million different things, specifically their finances that makes life extra hard when they start spending your money. Cash app is here to help make sure that your teens money and their spending isn't just adding to that craziness.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Cash app's not just for paying hookers. There's a world of other things for teenagers to do.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh yeah, they have a brand new thing that they're doing where they're allowing teens to gain access to their personalized Cash app card that comes from in different colors and patterns to fit their style, but it's from their parents account. So your. Your kid gets to lear responsibility spending. They have their own card, but you also get to track what they're spending on and make sure that they're not buying drugs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true. It also has tools that can help develop real world financial habits. It's very easy to navigate. If they're having their first job, it can help them get access to paychecks up to two days early and help them achieve some personalized saving goals and. And help yourself get set up for the future. You got to think about the future.

[Jason Mewes]

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[Louis J. Gomez]

That's it. Bring them down.

[Jason Mewes]

All right, where were we? Alex, story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. I answered phones in a porn warehouse taking orders for dildos, sex swings, nipple clamps, and fetish magazines orders.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hmm. I've worked in a warehouse before. Yeah, you gotta like do like an order pick. They give you a thing, you have to go. That's funny shit to pull off a fucking warehouse line. Wrong Dildo Johnson.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the fact that the person's answering phones, that also.

[Jason Mewes]

Penn, you're a 50 year veteran. That's insane that. I mean, I respect you so much. You're a genius.

[Big J Okerson]

That could be.

[Jason Mewes]

That was insane what I just watched happen.

[Patton Oswalt]

I got.

[Adam Carolla]

I got so excited with my little Agatha Chrissy thing. Well, phones denotes a certain.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, he said the N word 13 times. It's probably best.

[Adam Carolla]

He did.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, 13.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I counted, but that's all of them. So they're done. They're out.

[Adam Carolla]

Every variation. Soft, a, hard, all of them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like Meisner technique, just different tones.

[Big J Okerson]

All right. This is to me feeling like Big J and not based on anything other than me not wanting to erase the last time I wrote. So it's mostly an effort thing.

[Adam Carolla]

You Care about the environment, Adam?

[Big J Okerson]

No, because I feel like any warehouse you work in turns into a porn warehouse just by you walking in. If the place sold auto parts and you work there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I worked in an auto parts warehouse, and I did make it very porn.

[Big J Okerson]

Hold on, Lewis, is that true? Did he work at an autocross?

[Jason Mewes]

I don't know that he ever worked at a porn warehouse. I think I would have heard this. I will say, right. I will lead everyone. I don't believe that Big J has ever worked at a porn warehouse. I would describe him as a porn warehouse, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

It's like his thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'd be the guy yelling, by the.

[Big J Okerson]

Way, we're not going to believe a word you say ever again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

True.

[Big J Okerson]

Ever again. If the show's over and you're taking a piss and I hear water going into the toilet, I'm going, he's just dumped it out loud. He's not pissing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I.

[Big J Okerson]

That guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's listening to us while he's pretending to be.

[Big J Okerson]

He's listening to us while he's dumping water. All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it. I want to say Jason. Music. He's being very quiet.

[Patton Oswalt]

No, definitely wasn't me. I wouldn't have lasted a day at a job like that. Cause I would be like, oh, I'd be trying out all the products, sucking the dildo. The dildos.

[Adam Carolla]

You would have gotten high on the supply and nickels.

[Patton Oswalt]

Nipple clamps. I would have been like, oh, this feels good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

While you're not manning the phones. Phones is ringing. Non stop cranking your nips.

[Patton Oswalt]

Tails have gone down this year.

[Adam Carolla]

All these butt plugs are smeared, and it's the goddamn Christmas rush. What the hell's happening back there?

[Patton Oswalt]

Telling you.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't feel like you need a dedicated sex swing. I feel like all swings turn into sex after the sun goes down.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's true. You go to the paid double sometimes as a child.

[Big J Okerson]

Swing. All right, we crossed the line.

[Jason Mewes]

You hear that?

[Big J Okerson]

I felt it. I felt it.

[Jason Mewes]

You hear that?

[Adam Carolla]

Crap got quiet.

[Jason Mewes]

All swings are sex swings when Adam's around.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right.

[Patton Oswalt]

Can we.

[Big J Okerson]

We can ask questions once the sun goes down.

[Jason Mewes]

But I guess as soon as the sun goes down, your sun's going down on me.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right. It's sun with a U. You know what I'm talking about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What kind of park is this?

[Jason Mewes]

Jason?

[Patton Oswalt]

So I was gonna ask. I can't ask a question, I guess, because that person would have to answer, and then it gives it away. That doesn't make sense.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They could just lie.

[Patton Oswalt]

They could lie. That's part of the thing is trying to throw.

[Jason Mewes]

I mean, the game would be a really short game if we just could ask. And they had to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

I'm thinking this has to be. This has to be. You have to be at 18 to. I would think, answer phones. And so it has to be like trying to think. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel like everyone here has been working in the entertainment as far as I know. And I maybe. Let me Google it real quick now. In that, like, since they've been adults. Right. And a lot since they were like, in their twenties. Right. No, basically. How long you guys been doing comedy? I've been there for.

[Jason Mewes]

I've been since I was 20.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Forever.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah. Jay was a kid. He was 19.

[Louis J. Gomez]

27 years.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

I know who I'm gonna. I'm gonna write further along.

[Big J Okerson]

Big J walked right out of the video store and onto the stage at the Improv.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how one nipple clamp still hanging off of him. Corolla.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I going back.

[Patton Oswalt]

I told them I'm going to answer already just because this is my feeling right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Corolla.

[Jason Mewes]

Jason, could you write it a little bit smaller?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

I want to make sure the people in the back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's your dry erase board, man. Use the space.

[Patton Oswalt]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

Hold on. I got on my jeweler's loop and found out it said Adam C. Adam, you have.

[Adam Carolla]

Lewis has me so paranoid now to that last round.

[Big J Okerson]

He really does.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

And you, by the way, you can two stories in. Or is all randomized.

[Adam Carolla]

So that's exactly.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah. Oh, it could be me easily.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it's not Louis. Wait, wait. I've done this before and I've been wrong, but this time I'm so right. It's definitely not Louis. He would have told me this. I agree. I think it's Adam.

[Jason Mewes]

I think Adam Carolla has warehouse energy through and through. Just whatever it is. I can see you just on the floor, really, in your space.

[Patton Oswalt]

Why you guys all. I hope I'm.

[Big J Okerson]

First off, the notion that I could get a job that was indoors is completely off the table. I was strictly an outdoor cat when it came to jobs.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah. But a warehouse is the outdoors of indoor jobs.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. That. Holy shit. Guys, I'm sorry. I gotta go hike to the top of Runyon and think for a few hours. That was. Jeez. That was a goddamn Zen Cohen.

[Big J Okerson]

I knew he was a comedian, but philosopher?

[Adam Carolla]

No, man. It's above my Pay grade. What the fuck?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm about to blow your mind.

[Jason Mewes]

Uh. Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because Patton Oswalt lived in San Francisco, where there's a bunch of weird places like this that exist.

[Patton Oswalt]

Wait, I'll take my answer right.

[Jason Mewes]

No, you can't take it back.

[Patton Oswalt]

I know. I'm just kidding.

[Jason Mewes]

I take it very seriously. Yes.

[Patton Oswalt]

You're like, no, no, no, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's rules here.

[Patton Oswalt]

Look, my pinky was on the holes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's chaos.

[Patton Oswalt]

Hey, you said as soon as you take your hand off. I had my hand on it.

[Jason Mewes]

I've been watching your fingers this whole time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Jason Mewes]

All of our answers are in.

[Alex]

Big J is correct. That story belongs to Patton O.

[Adam Carolla]

Just creepy warehouse south of market. And I would answer phones and people would order, and I would get a lot of orders going. Now, my billing address is this. But it needs to be delivered to this post office box. Now read the order sheet back. I want to know that the deli. I had the power to just destroy lives for, like, sure, a year. It was amazing, amazing, amazing. It was before the Internet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are people cavalier about, like, asking for odd fetish magazines?

[Adam Carolla]

They're all. They're very, very calm until it gets to telling you where to deliver it. And these were, like, the far end of the spectrum. Fetish magazines, like Crush stuff, SHIZA stuff. Just, like, stuff that I didn't even. And I was a comedian, and I didn't even want to. I'm like, I can't get any material out of this. This is brutal. It was the worst shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you'd be surprised.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Definitely get me here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pornography and pornography in general was pretty much my first 10 years and then my last seven.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex, two stories in. Where are our points at all, right?

[Alex]

In last place, with zero points, Jason Mewes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't take such pleasure.

[Adam Carolla]

Savory it.

[Alex]

In third place, with two points, Big J Okerson. In second place with three points, Patton Oswald.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a sweep. It was almost a sweep.

[Alex]

And in the lead with four points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Boo. Boo. He lies to his friends. No. Boo.

[Patton Oswalt]

Wait, why. How does. Why does Patton have three?

[Jason Mewes]

Every person you fool.

[Patton Oswalt]

Wait, where am I?

[Jason Mewes]

Every person you fool. You get one point. Every time he gets the correct story, you get two points.

[Patton Oswalt]

Wait, why? Also did. He was like Jason Mewes with last place.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know I didn't like, but what about Adam?

[Patton Oswalt]

What about Adam?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Didn't even mention Adam.

[Patton Oswalt]

She didn't even mention Adam. Begs a fucking lot. Jesus.

[Alex]

I said AD Adam, but you guys talked over me. Did you write my tone?

[Jason Mewes]

Hey, Alex, can you stop yelling at our celebrity guests?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you out of your mind? Yelling at Jason Muse, you psycho.

[Jason Mewes]

What the fuck is wrong with you?

[Big J Okerson]

I was told this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can't believe he's here in front of you.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex, story number three.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We gotta have a meeting.

[Alex]

Story number three. I deliver liquor to a house with two girls sunbathing naked in the back.

[Jason Mewes]

Okay, cool guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They kept saying how big my dick looked in my shorts.

[Jason Mewes]

It was pretty cool, you know? They both started blowing me. And then.

[Adam Carolla]

Then I switched bodies with my dad. And I won the rapping contest at the prom. It was pretty cool, man. It was the craziest summer I've ever had.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why did we buy that relic that we both touched at the same time?

[Big J Okerson]

I used my massive hog to take down the door.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank God my dick was so big, or else I probably would have died that day.

[Adam Carolla]

Lewis, did Jay ever tell you this story? I just. I'm trying to gather clues.

[Jason Mewes]

All right, Sorry. Alex, finish this story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, remember how you acted towards Jason Hughes, you fucking nutbag. You're out of your tree. You're out of control over there.

[Adam Carolla]

When did the cars moving and stereo start playing? That's for the really old people in the audience.

[Jason Mewes]

Sorry, Alex. Continue.

[Alex]

I delivered liquor to a house with two girls sunbathing naked in the back. I went into the house to get a better view, but the girls went inside at exactly the same time. I had to hide inside of a closet it. To avoid them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, this is a scene.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a. Jason music. Who is it?

[Adam Carolla]

Did you leave out Fade in. Because.

[Big J Okerson]

I love the fact that the guy went in to see titties and then never came out of the closet.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Lot of range. Lot of range, gentlemen.

[Patton Oswalt]

Who's a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How do you.

[Jason Mewes]

I love the idea of trying to get a better view. I can just imagine you going inside and just pulling your sunglasses down. Doom ball.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Boom. And then hop on a stranger's skateboard and skate off.

[Patton Oswalt]

Why did this person hide? Because the girls came in.

[Jason Mewes]

They came inside at the exact same time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, it looks like somebody snuck into the house to look at them. Them naked in the back.

[Patton Oswalt]

So they weren't supposed to.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm pretty sure whoever story this is is committing a felony.

[Patton Oswalt]

Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Did they break into the show?

[Adam Carolla]

Just a sting operation.

[Jason Mewes]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

What is it?

[Big J Okerson]

Later, Chris Hansen arrived with the Fresno Police Department.

[Jason Mewes]

It should read, I broke into a person's house so I could sexually assault two women. Done.

[Patton Oswalt]

I realized they could kick my Ass. So I.

[Jason Mewes]

Corolla. Is this you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Patton Oswalt]

China.

[Jason Mewes]

I feel like this is the man show origin story.

[Adam Carolla]

Although it can't be Crolla, because he goes inside the house, and as we know, he's an outdoor dog. He needs to be invited in, like the vampires and sinners.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm getting Corolla vibes again. It's gotta eventually be him, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Yeah, I'm also kind of getting Jason vibes.

[Big J Okerson]

These are in no order, right?

[Adam Carolla]

No, they're all scrambled. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

It could be two in a row.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Patton Oswalt]

Jason would not hide in the closet. I would have said. I would have pulled my dick and balls out and been like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it. I believe him. I think it's Adam Caroll.

[Jason Mewes]

And we were all today days old when we learned that Jason Mewes speaks in third person.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I liked it.

[Patton Oswalt]

I feel like it's Adam or Jay. I don't know who. I'm trying to picture someone younger and afraid of pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sitting right here. I don't know.

[Patton Oswalt]

Someone who answers phones for dildos and shit. I don't think so. Brady.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's delivering nipple clamps?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oof.

[Patton Oswalt]

Man, I don't think it's you, though.

[Jason Mewes]

It's not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it is Jason Mewes. This is dramatic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah. If this is Jason.

[Patton Oswalt]

Whoa. You guys waiting on me?

[Jason Mewes]

If this is Jason Mewes, he really doesn't understand how to play the game.

[Patton Oswalt]

No. I tore in between Jay and alibusters.

[Louis J. Gomez]

For 45 minutes, and I goes, it was me. Thank you, everybody.

[Patton Oswalt]

All right, I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm just gonna go. No. Damn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wouldn't do a basic B and E to see.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, they're doing a second show tonight.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, I'm gonna go. I gotta. I'm gonna go at him.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the 2am Show. Jason Mewes was on the first. Come on, guys, I need points on the board.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He is.

[Patton Oswalt]

Jesus. I don't want her to be like. And yet still again. And still again, Jason Mewes with zero.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She has not. She's not been kind to you. You've not been good to our friend Jason Mewes.

[Patton Oswalt]

All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone'S in. Alex.

[Alex]

Story number three belongs to Adam. Carolla.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You made the right decision. The story is a little bit truncated, not as simple as it reads.

[Adam Carolla]

Please take your time and be expansive.

[Big J Okerson]

There's a second show, I'm told so. And brevity's the soul of wit, so I'll keep it short. But I was delivering booze for the Flask Liquor store on Ventura Boulevard. I was not delivering it to this house. I was delivering it up a hill. And I realized my friend Michelle lives in this house, and it was during the summer, and I was, like, 16, and I went to knock on the door. I was gonna say hi, and the door swung open. And so then I walked in, and I saw her and her buddy Beth naked in the backyard. And I was like, oh, dear God. And I walked around the house to get a better shot from the master suite.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't realize you knew them. It makes it so much better.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you, Mr. Crillip. Prosecution, your witness. Would you like to take. No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. And so I have nothing further.

[Big J Okerson]

As soon as I got around the.

[Jason Mewes]

Exact story you would tell her dad if he caught you.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. They walked in as soon as I got to the back of the house, and I was cut off. I could not get through the house because now they were in the house, and I had to hide in the closet. And. Christ, I lived off of my own semen for 26 years. That's all I had was rat dropping.

[Adam Carolla]

The diary of an spank.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, Roots. The roots are always here.

[Big J Okerson]

On. Do we really need to go to the tote board? Or we can all do the math on who's Adam.

[Jason Mewes]

Adam School. Absolutely no one in that round. Alex, real quick, where are our points at after three stories?

[Alex]

In absolute last place, with zero points, Adam.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Carolla.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you.

[Alex]

In fourth place with two points, Jason Mewes. In third place with four points, Big J Okerson. In second place with five points, Patton Oswald.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's on your ass.

[Alex]

And in the lead with six points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, Pat may be in fifth place overall or in second place. I don't know what you. Are you in second place?

[Adam Carolla]

I think second.

[Big J Okerson]

Second overall. But number one, an Ann Frank. Double entendre. Jizz jokes, always undeniable. And I know it's been said. Yeah, it's been said many times, but it bears repeating.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll see you at my Mark Twain prize ceremony. Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Adam. Don't get down, man. There's still plenty of chance for you to win this game.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just, I got kids. They look up to me, man. Papa comes home with a fucking goose egg. It's just gonna be tough.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's still a strong chance you get to bring those kids. At home with the Queen by Brian Hoey. Oh, yeah. It covers everything from state visits and royal tours. To quiet mornings and private conversations. Angela Kelly shares how clothes were chosen, how appearances were prepared, and how trust was built over time. Her role went far beyond fashion. She was a constant presence through the years of history, ceremony, and change.

[Jason Mewes]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So it's not for nothing.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, like I said, I got the audiobook, but it was read by Gilbert Godfrey, so I do feel like I'd like to turn some pages because I think it took away from the regalness. It wasn't as regal as.

[Jason Mewes]

I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

It was a weird choice. I'm sure it wasn't the first choice.

[Jason Mewes]

All right, boys, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting today's show. It has been a hot summer, and your pits need an upgrade. You got to switch to Mando. It's deodorant plus sweat control. It blocks odor all day long while still being gentle on your skin. So whether. No matter what you're doing, whether you're chasing the kids around. Louis, if you're chasing kids through a park.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. If you're chasing after children, you don't want to chafe. No. I'll tell you this. I get Botox my armpits, Lewis. So I don't really have a bunch of armpit sweat. That's not my issue. But I will tell you, you don't.

[Jason Mewes]

Have to tell people that, Jay. I feel like that'd be. That's one of these, like, secrets that I would take to my grave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no. I do it. It's okay, though. They knock me unconscious and play with my asshole. No. So that's not my issue. But. But there's nothing. You're not Botoxin where your ball bag meets your legs. And that's where Mando comes in big time.

[Jason Mewes]

Look, all of their products are baking soda free.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just called me gay for Botox and checked out.

[Jason Mewes]

All of Mando's products are baking soda free and paraben free. I know you don't like parabens on your balls. Whatever they are, you don't want them anywhere near your balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. And even anywhere if it's got parabens in it. Dude, you're not coming near this sack.

[Jason Mewes]

Fresh scents like bourbon, leather, clover woods, Mount Fuji, or. Hold on, Jay, let me smell. Now you're using pro sport, aren't you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep.

[Jason Mewes]

So look, Mano starter pack right now is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant. Two free products of your choice, like the mini body wash or the deodorant wipes, which I love, plus free shipping. And we have a very special offer. If you go to shopmando.com shop m a n d o.com and use the promo code Wars W A R Z warz with a Z20 off site wide, plus free shipping. Once again, promo code Wars W a r [e-mail] 20% off. All right, where were we? Alex Stewart, number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. While working at a store, I would trust random customers to watch over the place while I ran out for coffee and donuts.

[Jason Mewes]

Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It does. Listen, it does. Does. Well, here's one thing is my friend, you will know. I don't drink coffee.

[Jason Mewes]

You're not even a big donut guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, there's gigantic, huge skull island donuts in the back. Dude.

[Jason Mewes]

I'll say we're now Voodoo Donuts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's the point?

[Jason Mewes]

Right on the show. I'll say it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't need a whole box of cereal on top of a donut. Just make a goddamn chocolate donut. Or a glazed, you psycho. Who needs all that shit? Hey, a full Snickers bar and melted marshmallow and something that's shaped like a hippopotamus and fondant.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I'll just say this about. Those are huge donuts. Like, you shouldn't. If you're eating a donut and it slips out of your hand and drops on your foot, you shouldn't break a toe. That's too much donut, right?

[Jason Mewes]

Way too much donut.

[Big J Okerson]

Way too much.

[Adam Carolla]

In their defense, Voodoo Donut started in Portland, Oregon. And Portland, Oregon, if you've ever been there, is the home of people who still eat like they're lumberjacks. Even though the lumber industry is no longer happening. They didn't adjust the calories down. So Every breakfast is 18 pancakes and a pound of bacon. And then I gotta go design websites all day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But they're still dressed in flannel and.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they got the flannel everywhere. It's amazing.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah, there's a donut back there, literally with bacon on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

It's insane.

[Adam Carolla]

They used to sell a donut with. And I'm not making this up. With Nyquil in it. So you could. You could get. Eat it and then cut kind of a shot of Nyquil. And the city made them stop selling that one.

[Patton Oswalt]

It's like a speedball.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn, dude. That was like a four loco of fat be. They had to stop it. They knew it was a problem. Get it out of there. These guys are going down.

[Jason Mewes]

Okay, well, I ran and grabbed donuts and coffee. Love a donut. My favorite sweet treat is donuts. I will say that right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why?

[Jason Mewes]

Why?

[Patton Oswalt]

But not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. What does that have to do with anything? It's your favorite sweet treat. So you would run out for coffee and donuts, perhaps.

[Jason Mewes]

You're saying, I enjoy coffee.

[Adam Carolla]

This does sound like the kind of thing that Lewis would have the confidence to go, you watch this fucking place. I gotta get a snack. And then, like. And people would be like, fuck, we better watch. Like, oh, like a threat. Absolutely. Like force of will. I could see Louis doing that and successfully getting away with it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, the guy. Listen, let me tell you, from knowing the guy, he's a fucking conundrum. Because he would. He would be the guy who he says would work super hard to, like, compete with his friends to be the best worker at a place, but also would ignore the drive through for a half hour so you can masturbate in the bathroom.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah. And any race. No.

[Jason Mewes]

That story appears.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And he also. He would dig into. He'd get into the mainframe. He started changing shit at Blockbuster.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like Band of Brothers shit, man. I love it. Beautiful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So this is like, Lewis could be as good an employee, as bad as this employee is, and be this guy. But for coffee and donuts. Strikes me as. It wouldn't be the reason I'm in a French griller. No. I just don't think it would be like, you left for coffee. What job? Could it have been years? He would have left for coffee and donuts.

[Jason Mewes]

Wasn't my job.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just jerked off at kfc.

[Jason Mewes]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then you're like, man, I need coffee and a donut. Hey, can somebody watch this drive through? Hold on, customer.

[Jason Mewes]

I've worked a lot. I've worked a lot of jobs. Taco Bell, kfc, shoprite, Blockbuster Video.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, selling mango.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like there's a tag team gaslighting going on over here. Like, I know him so well. I know him so well. I know everything.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know what job this could be, but this could be Lewis. But I don't want to vote for him because I don't know. I don't think it is.

[Jason Mewes]

Here's what I'm watching happen, Right. Jason Muse is. He's so happy that nobody is onto.

[Big J Okerson]

His stent right now.

[Jason Mewes]

What he's doing right now, he's holding his neck up real straight right now. He's trying to.

[Patton Oswalt]

I don't even think I can hold my neck up Straight.

[Jason Mewes]

He's trying to not smile. I'm watching, like a vein start to pulse in his fucking forehead. This is so obviously Jason Muse.

[Patton Oswalt]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Patton Oswalt]

It's not.

[Jason Mewes]

Well, you know, it's Muse, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, it's not trying to pass.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah, yeah, he's trying to pass it over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's doing the thing.

[Jason Mewes]

You're doing the thing, Jay. You're going to lead everyone astray. You're an idiot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not talking to anybody else. I'm talking to you.

[Jason Mewes]

Talk to me.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, you know, it's not me, cuz there's no prepubescent naked chicks. Every one of my stories ends within a 13 year old that's naked.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is.

[Jason Mewes]

There's no child sex swing, you know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is legally above board, so it's not Adam.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. There's almost no trafficking involved.

[Patton Oswalt]

Well, could the stories be the same place? Like, could it be the warehouse?

[Jason Mewes]

Sure.

[Patton Oswalt]

Could it be the warehouse that, like, he could have popped off?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, random person, watch this porn warehouse.

[Big J Okerson]

We haven't had a look.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, would you mind watching this porn warehouse? Don't touch anything. I know you're gonna want to smell stuff.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, okay.

[Jason Mewes]

You son of a.

[Adam Carolla]

Feels it, man.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

How dare you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know. He's doing the thing he did to me the first time.

[Jason Mewes]

What are you doing?

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going with Patton, man.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, my God. You're letting the top of the leader.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why would you be mad if everyone's voting you?

[Jason Mewes]

Because you're giving Jason Muse a wild amount of points right now, you fools.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, we have to make up for how Alex has treated him.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, can I ask a hypothetical? If I get zero points this entire game, can I stay for the late one?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Jason Mewes]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is in effect. And we've never had to activate that before.

[Big J Okerson]

Never score. Okay. Yeah, like a college football player. Red shirted the whole time. Right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a victory.

[Big J Okerson]

Last one still got eligibility for the Late Show.

[Jason Mewes]

Jason just wrote L. Scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble, scribble. And then I think pedophile swirl.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Ooh.

[Patton Oswalt]

I figured it didn't matter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, we know.

[Patton Oswalt]

I mean, Lewis.

[Jason Mewes]

That was crazy.

[Patton Oswalt]

Big Al. Don't judge me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's your fault to spell your name Spanish and pronounce it white. You want everybody to get that? The guy's notorious pothead.

[Big J Okerson]

He was homeschooled.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're gonna go. It's Lewis, and he's gonna go. I'm looking at it. Dude. It's definitely Luis, and you're Going to be like, no, it's Louis. He goes, but you're making that decision, Alex.

[Jason Mewes]

All of our answers are in.

[Alex]

Story number four belongs to Jason Muse.

[Jason Mewes]

What I tell you? What I tell you? What did I tell you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, tell me a lot of things. You lie.

[Jason Mewes]

You let him clean up.

[Big J Okerson]

Big ch.

[Patton Oswalt]

You're good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mean.

[Big J Okerson]

Give me a beer. I need. I need something. I gotta take the edge off, man. I gotta take the edge off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Want tequila shot?

[Big J Okerson]

Not. I don't. Not that much edge.

[Patton Oswalt]

So what does it matter who I vote for if I know it's my story and I lose or no?

[Jason Mewes]

Okay, yeah, it doesn't matter yet.

[Patton Oswalt]

But, yeah, I didn't know if I, like, wait till y' all vote. And I wrote, I vote for myself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't get more points.

[Jason Mewes]

Don't vote.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no point to be fair to me. I thought we were playing Storage wars, and I love that. I love that show. And I've seen every episode, and I showed up totally prepared. And then this show.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, no, this is not $50 in cash.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Me and Lewis are actually American Pickers. So in our downtime.

[Patton Oswalt]

So what.

[Jason Mewes]

What store was this, Jason?

[Patton Oswalt]

So this was. This was my comic book store. Kevin Smith and I have a comic book store store in New Jersey we've had for 26 years. And I used to work at the comic book store when it first opened, and it was not only for coffee and donuts, but I didn't want to get too specific, which I realized, like, you were like, well, it's not him. Maybe because of coffee and donuts, but it was also to go grab, like, heroin and crack. So.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Long ago.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Well, not 20 years ago. That's so long the store has been open. But this was in when I was about. So when I started using when I was 21. So it was right around 21. 22 is when I, like, started using. And, like, I would go and I sometimes would get coffee and donuts, but sometimes also, like, the person I'd buy drugs from would be like, hey, I'm gonna be at the 7:11. So I'd like perfect.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Coffee donuts.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah. Because I didn't want them to come to the store. Right. I didn't want the.

[Adam Carolla]

I to.

[Patton Oswalt]

Didn't want. Want the drug dealer coming to this store.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

I got confused. I was like, duncan sells heroin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Heroin. Big bite. Big bite.

[Patton Oswalt]

Hot dog.

[Adam Carolla]

America runs on H. But people really does. But.

[Patton Oswalt]

But later.

[Adam Carolla]

Later on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Runs on that brown.

[Patton Oswalt]

Later on, people would tell, like, like, years later, people like, you know that I just was at the comic book store like, a year ago, and Jay just left me in the store and asked me to watch it. They would, like, tell Kevin. He'd be like, what the fuck? Anyway, but, yeah, that. That. That's. Yeah, that was me.

[Jason Mewes]

Hell, yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Good shit, though. You called it, bro.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are our scores looking like? Alex at halfway.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, yeah. Let's see this.

[Big J Okerson]

We already went over those, didn't we? I think we all kind of get what the scores are.

[Jason Mewes]

I don't know why.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, I'm going to tell you how to do a podcast, but doing them every single round, it's so monotonous.

[Alex]

At halftime, with zero points, in last place, Adam Carolla.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, I did win the Times Toyota Grand Prix, the celebrity Grand Prix in Long Beach a couple of years. I just wanted to put that out there. I know it's not a racing show. Put out there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

In fourth place with four points, Big J Okerson. Tied for second place, with five points each, Jason Muse and Patton Oswald. And in the lead with eight. Eight points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Jason Mewes]

Boo. I'm. I'm allergic to winning. I'm having a sneezing attack right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at the lights. Stare at the lights. Right? No, keep your eyes wide open.

[Jason Mewes]

Hold on, dude, it's coming.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

The light makes you sneeze, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I thought it.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

Wait, are you.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, he's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I don't know, but it's one of those.

[Jason Mewes]

But you're making me sneeze.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm like. It doesn't feel like it's going away. I told Seraphina to get me napkins. Seraphina, where the napkins? Jesus Christ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Idiot kid.

[Jason Mewes]

I am embarrassing myself in front of our celebrity parents.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone hand him up a napkin. Who has an extra napkin? Help him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, let's get the audience involved.

[Adam Carolla]

There he is. Embarrassing. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Hey, everyone, come on. That's a lot of napkins.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's create a new strain of COVID tonight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at those nap. This couple fucks in the car a lot. That's for stomach jizz. That's to wipe off stomach jizz. You're just gonna leave it?

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, I'll put it in my pocket like an old man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you. You wanna use my hanky?

[Jason Mewes]

We are at the halfway point, four stories left. Thank you. Finally. You know how long you took? I got it from a strange Puerto Rican in the front row instead of you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis. Future self handed Him Napkins a fucking time. Fucking wormhole almost opened up. Yeah, idiot. If they see each other, one of them ceases to exist. Did you even see Looper? God, dude, I don't understand the chance.

[Jason Mewes]

Real quick, we're gonna plug some things before we go on to our final four stories. Pat, what would you like to plug, my friend?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, when does this drop?

[Jason Mewes]

It'll be out on our platform on Monday and then everywhere else next Friday. So, like, yeah, next or next Thursday?

[Adam Carolla]

There are still some tickets left for my shows at Charlie Goodnights in Raleigh on September 12th and 13th and later this month. I'm not sure the date. I think it's near the end of August. I will be on an episode of Star Strange New World, so make sure to tune in to that.

[Jason Mewes]

That was Adam Carolla.

[Big J Okerson]

You get a plug even with a zero. Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, you're right. You don't. Go ahead, Jason.

[Patton Oswalt]

Oh, check out Nag.

[Big J Okerson]

Has there ever been an instance when you enacted the Slaughter Rule, like in Little league, when the nine year old's getting beat 21 to nothing and the coach just calls the game just like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just crawl, just go out in.

[Big J Okerson]

The parking lot and just wait till the game's over. It's getting embarrassing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Slaughter Roll made you feel like shit. Can we just stop now? It's over.

[Big J Okerson]

More harm than good, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, you can go to AdamCarolla.com I got podcasts and live shows and stand up and all that stuff.

[Jason Mewes]

Very cool. Jason Muse.

[Patton Oswalt]

Thank you. Same, same thing. J Muse. J A y M E W- dot com for my live shows and I stream on Twitch, play video games stuff. I got an operator skin in Call of Duty, which is my amazing for me. But anyway. But yeah, check out my live shows. I. I'm all over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So big j bigjaycomedy.com for all my dates. I'm coming to a city near you on Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour. Coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. He shot big, big loads. Adam's actually the person. When I went to the show, he called his name when I said Peter North. That's the thing. He shot big loads in porn. And he goes, oh, we had the decorator on the show before. I never heard that term called decorator. Ah, fuck, that makes me laugh.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a good. I mean, you know, the hedgehog's still the best foreign nickname, but the decorator's pretty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Decorator is a great name for a guy who comes Mans and floats. No, I don't think you guys fully get it. He would change your facial structure with cum. Like he's redecorating the decor. Check out the bonfire five days a week. Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kirk Kelly. And of course them. They both my specials available on YouTube. Both crowd work specials and doing some new live streams on YouTube. So follow along with those, man. I'm having fun. I did my first one, so stay tuned. That's going to be a lot of fun. Just watching my algorithm and of course the flagship show at Gas Digital. Legion of Skanks. Yeah. Come see me on and we're doing the Juggalo. No, this will be out then. Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

Gathering of the jugglers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gathering a juggler this weekend.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah, yeah. It'd be a lot of fun. Come see me live on the road. The bring five Friends tour wrapping up this year, guys. It's gonna be, you know, you know, break four. So if you don't got five, that's okay. I think some people get confused. They think that they have to bring five friends or.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, don't come.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah. Or don't come. No, no, you can come with just you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

It was just getting sad. There's a lot of single dudes with beards in the audience. And I was like, dude, there, there. Clap your hands if you're a single dude with a beard in the audience right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A lot of our audience.

[Jason Mewes]

A lot of lonely assholes that listen to our podcast.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clap your hands if you're wearing somebody's merch shirt, banned or otherwise.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I know my audience.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of merch shirts, man.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah. So come see me on the road. Louisofskanks.com Sign up for my mailing list. I got a book that's available for pre order right now. It's officially done. Officially finished it this past weekend. So you guys can get it on Amazon.com it's called knives and Spoons.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a cliffhanger.

[Jason Mewes]

It's a cliffhanger. Who knows what's gonna happen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a three book series.

[Jason Mewes]

And yeah, make sure you guys check out all the other pods. I do the regs. Legion of Skanks. Sign up for Gas Digital if you love the show. We do a pre release of this show every Monday just for subscribers. It's ad free. It's uncensored. There's an on demand library. There's maybe 20 or 30 episodes that are not available any anywhere else in the entire world. GasDigital.com use the promo code WAR. And you save a dollar fifty a month on the premium membership.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, only the members. Only the members are going to get to hear the Anne spank joke. By the way, that's only for paid members. That's it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's it. You got to be a member.

[Jason Mewes]

So, look, here's the thing, Adam. You're. You're bummed out. Dude, I. I would be bummed out, too. Under normal circumstances, I would be bummed out. But you don't have to be. Jason explained something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, for the final four stories, every time we play the game, we try to make sure it's everybody's game because we go double points. Thank you, Roots. Quest Love, everybody. Quest Love. The people have spoken. They love double points. They love.

[Adam Carolla]

Am I in midsommar right now? What? Fucking. This is just terrifying. No, we're all going home, right? Or did only one of us go home?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Patton, you're the May Queen.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, don't leave yet. You're the May Queen.

[Patton Oswalt]

Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

Christ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah.

[Big J Okerson]

So double zero.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no. It's. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got. You got one point per person you fooled. If you guessed the correct person, you'd get two points. But now that flip.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, my grandfather used to have an adage. He'd say, fool me once, shame on me. You get fooled 129 times in one fucking show. You are a loser. And it was pretty wordy. And I didn't know what he meant at the time because I was seven. But it's not until this moment that I knew what that man was speaking of in 1974. So for that alone, I'm glad I'm here tonight.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, you're gonna get to go into the Wicker Man.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, me and Nick Cage. Too deep a cut for this group.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Jason Mewes]

We're going to our second half. Story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. I tore tickets at a cheap movie theater in the suburbs. The staff was reselling half stubs to accumulate enough money to purchase fortified wine and stay drunk during work hours.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This isn't Louis, because fortified wine, me or him, we don't know what that means.

[Jason Mewes]

I was trying to figure out what accumulate meant.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, that one I got.

[Big J Okerson]

A. Fortified wine is basically malt liquor for white people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay. Okay, that's basically what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

But reselling half stubs?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. What does that mean? Tour tickets. You give them the stubs and People get back into the theater or coming.

[Jason Mewes]

Into the theater or. Seraphinas came up here and I got a half stub.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it, Lewis. She's a kid.

[Jason Mewes]

She's a hot child.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She is a very pretty child. I could agree. You're a very pretty child, Seraphina. You should be in pageant so other people can masturbate to your image.

[Big J Okerson]

All right.

[Jason Mewes]

All right. Okay. Working in a movie theater. Who? Jay. You never worked in movie theater. I would know this about you. I. I know Jay really well. So this is an easy game for you.

[Patton Oswalt]

Said he works.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have no idea.

[Adam Carolla]

I do not trust impressed a word out of these. But he is diabolical. And I'm tuned. I'm sorry, I. If I don't tune you out, I'm gonna go crazy. Because you're right. He's a twisted piece of Hannibal Lecter sitting down there every goddamn day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I gotta deal with this.

[Big J Okerson]

Pathologicals sick to my stomach. Got a disease, man.

[Patton Oswalt]

But I'm also curious.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel sorry for his kids, bro.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I haven't had a story yet. That's true. But I will tell you this.

[Patton Oswalt]

Do you play? Do you roll like that? Does the show roll like that?

[Jason Mewes]

Yes. Technically. It's all randomized. He does not have.

[Patton Oswalt]

It was randomized. But each story was one of ours, right? And his is not everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Smith, three to five. So it could be. Someone could have no story.

[Adam Carolla]

There's been a Lewis story, hasn't there?

[Patton Oswalt]

Yes, but not a J story. But that's what I'm saying. There's been a path, Pat. There's been an Adam, a J.

[Jason Mewes]

Can I say. Don't try to play that game.

[Patton Oswalt]

I'm not saying I'm gonna. I'm not saying I'm not sitting. I'm just kidding.

[Adam Carolla]

Unless. Again.

[Patton Oswalt]

But play that way because.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. Well, I'm telling this on my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry.

[Patton Oswalt]

Don't judge my sign again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I still have no idea what fortified wine. I don't know what it is.

[Adam Carolla]

This is how diabolical. When he tells you don't play that way, I immediately want to play the opposite. Like that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis is a. He's difficult to deal with because he's fortified wine. I don't know what fortified bird and Night Train. You're giving someone all good roller hockey nicknames. But I. I appeal to you. Before you take your fingers off of that.

[Adam Carolla]

Not falling for it.

[Jason Mewes]

I don't. Wait a minute.

[Big J Okerson]

I got.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going to have to St. Louis to stop him. In case it's him. This might be him, but I don't think he knows what fortified wine is. And I still don't know what it is. He said it's like. Like hooch, but I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Big J is doing an Emmy clip right now. Look at this acting.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's amazing.

[Big J Okerson]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Just deep.

[Jason Mewes]

We got three big Js.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How happy are you? Are you thrilled that they're seeing me? Look at me. Are you bold? Over with happiness?

[Jason Mewes]

This isn't me. This isn't me.

[Adam Carolla]

God damn it.

[Jason Mewes]

It's not me. Dude. I love you, dude. I'm telling you right now, it's not me. I know it's not you. I know you. Have I ever worked at a movie theater?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, maybe. I didn't know you worked at a fucking video store.

[Jason Mewes]

You knew I worked at Blockbuster Video.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't.

[Adam Carolla]

See. I'm telling you, he fogs men's minds. You can't think straight.

[Jason Mewes]

I think what's happening right now is Patton Oswalt is playing a high level game of Story wars, and he is throwing it onto me. This is beautifully written. There's like, three or four big words in this sentence. Nobody else up here knows. Big words, Patton, fortified wine. You're right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You wanted to show us how smarter you were than all these fucking retards. And you're right. You are. And you showed your ass, Louis. You said it, Daddy. This is Patton Oswalt. I'm on your ass. I'm gonna tell you something.

[Jason Mewes]

Uh. Oh, I. By the way, if it's you, I wish it was me. It would break your heart. Jay's heart would stick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Adam, you'd have to be here for the second show. I couldn't do this for the second show. I get too emotionally. I'm like. I'm like. You looked at me in the face. Wow. Dude. I'm like a hurt woman.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex, all of our answers are in after five stories.

[Alex]

Story number five belongs to Pat Noswal.

[Big J Okerson]

Fortified One.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no friends in Story Wars. There's no friends.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No friends.

[Big J Okerson]

Can I offer up this little slice of wisdom before we go up to the toad board? I don't know what the score is, but I just want to sort of just. I just want to slide in this piece of wisdom. And I've said it many times, it's not pertaining to this, but, you know, on Rotten Tomatoes, you go to Rotten Tomatoes. I've argued this, and I think you'll agree with me. It's just as difficult to get a zero as it is to get 100%. I would argue that it's more rarefied egg there that there are more movies that get a hundred percent. It's nearly impossible to get zero.

[Jason Mewes]

I'll tell you right now. In the history of the show, we've never had anybody get zero. Okay, that's true.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what we're saying.

[Patton Oswalt]

That's the goal.

[Jason Mewes]

In a weird way, I would say you are the winner.

[Big J Okerson]

Again, back to the Rotten Tomatoes analogy. It's more difficult to get a zero.

[Patton Oswalt]

I think, if that's what the goal now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

It's damn near impossible to get a zero in this game.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. With that being said, you know, it's like getting pulled over and blowing a 7.3. You know what I mean? Like, come on, you got to tip your cap. The 09ers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Those fact that you found the keys and got in and pushed a pedal at all. You've overachieved by even being pulled over.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. And not found. We're all on the same page. There's a certain nobility. Zero.

[Jason Mewes]

Okay, Alex, where are our points at?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, Patent. Did Patton tell us the story of the fortified.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, literally what I. We would. There's the theater was so frigging cheap that they couldn't afford a ticket tear. So I would sell the tickets in the booth and then I would tear them in the booth and give them their subs. And then the next person to buy one, I would just give them the other half and we would pocket that much and create a pool of money. Then we'd go down to the Giant foods in the same mini mall and buy a bunch of Night Train and Mad Dog 2020. Night train and just be fucking hammered. And we were showing. Showing the worst movies that summer. It was like who's that Girl? And Jaws the Revenge. Like all these bad 80s movies. And we were hammered. The. The My Virginia, you realize, oh, how.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Crazy it is that Jaws. The Jaws. The Jaws followed the family to the Bahamas.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Followed the family.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He had bloodlust for the his family so much he took them on vacation trying to get over him murdering their family in wherever New York. That was exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That movie is stunning still. Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

And.

[Adam Carolla]

And I recommend drinking a bottle of Mad Dog 2020.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

A little bit of great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Some say Mario Van Peeble, seventh finest work.

[Jason Mewes]

So funny. Alex, where are our points at? I think she. She.

[Big J Okerson]

We discussed it.

[Alex]

Stuck at the bottom with zero points. Adam Carolla.

[Big J Okerson]

Think Rotten Tomatoes. Think Rotten Tomatoes. People just as much skill.

[Alex]

In fourth place with five points, Jason Mewes. In third place with eight points, Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm here. I show.

[Alex]

In second place with nine points, Patton Oswald. And in the lead with 12 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Adam Carolla]

Evil, Evil. Evil.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's move this along. I gotta get to Vegas. I got a feeling this.

[Jason Mewes]

All right, let's take a quick moment to thank via for being a new sponsor on story wars. I've known via for a long time. I've been using VIA for a long time. To sleep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Absolutely. They are hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannaboids in it. And it's. You're waiting to natural wellness.

[Jason Mewes]

It's cannabinoids.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what I said. What did I say?

[Jason Mewes]

He said cannabino. You sort of falling in the middle of the world.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The cannabinoids are coming. I told you this would happen. The machines will rise.

[Jason Mewes]

Then the cannabinoids, they're all gonna laugh at you. They're all gonna laugh at you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The cannabinoids are gonna come.

[Jason Mewes]

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[Louis J. Gomez]

What do you use it for? Laser focus, deep relaxation.

[Jason Mewes]

I use them for all the above, mostly to relax. But they do. Yeah. What they do is they take other like nootropics and adaptogens and they blend them in to the gummies on top of the either whether they're THC or CBD forward. Really cool. Really, really great. And it legally ships nationwide. Everywhere.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you should know the cannabinoids are always around the corner looking for you.

[Jason Mewes]

You.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The cannabinoids are coming.

[Jason Mewes]

Look, they're pretty incredible. They also have a pretty cool product finder quiz that hooks you up with a perfect match in less than 60 seconds. And if you're 21 +, check out the link right now to via in our description and use the code wars W A R z to get 15 off. And if you're new to Via, you're going to get a free gift of your choice after your purchase. They're going to heard where you heard about them. Please support the show and let them know that we sent you this year. Enhance your everyday with via. All right, where were we? Alex, Story number six.

[Alex]

Story number six. I once argued with who I was told was R. Kelly about his Cable bill at one of my jobs.

[Jason Mewes]

All right, Big Jeff. Big J grew up in the hood. I'm trying to get there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's trying to find.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm trying to find an angle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why it would be me if.

[Adam Carolla]

Is this someone coming in to pay their cable bill, or is this someone that you were. They were on the phone with.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm assuming they were on the phone.

[Adam Carolla]

With one of my jobs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a good question.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, Trump's talking about pardoning P. Diddy. He's should do P. Diddy and then R. Kelly at the same news, the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Same presser, but they have to live together. What a sitcom. What a great sitcom that would be. One guy likes him young, one guy likes him bruised. Now what happens? I'm walking on sunshine.

[Adam Carolla]

Whoa. Can two sex criminals share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It writes itself.

[Adam Carolla]

You spilled oil everywhere.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who.

[Adam Carolla]

Who would be the Oscar and who would be the feel? I think R. Kelly would be the Oscar.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And P. Diddy would be the Felix.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony Randall, type five. I mean, I know it's been discussed.

[Adam Carolla]

So this was somebody arguing on a phone and it feels like. Feels like maybe the co workers were maybe pranking this person. Like, oh, this is R. Kelly.

[Jason Mewes]

Or the person was pretend pretending that they were R. Kelly's assistant and they were trying to get something for free. Either way, there's a person who dealt with black people in their youth, and the only person up here that has that origin story is Big J. Orcheston.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you're right. All right, I did grow up in a black neighborhood, but I don't think that affects my being a part of this story. You say why would being around. Why would being around black people make that. I argued with R. Kelly about his cable bill. I don't even see the correlation.

[Jason Mewes]

You're falling apart, dude.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't see your point.

[Big J Okerson]

You better ask for your lawyer right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think I wouldn't have told you if I talked to R. Kelly before?

[Jason Mewes]

You didn't. You talked to somebody else that told you it was R. Kelly. It's a non story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, you. You're being crazy now. I'm starting to wonder if anybody on that side of the table knows who R. Kelly is.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm putting my finger.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah. Come on, guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're being an idiot.

[Jason Mewes]

Trust me on this. It went stupid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're being a idiot. No, don't.

[Patton Oswalt]

This.

[Adam Carolla]

This is all gaslighting. Oh, that was okay. This is soap opera shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now it's.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me just ask you, are you two lemmings gonna go along with this ass wipe? Are you gonna follow? The guy's got the hot hat.

[Jason Mewes]

Ah.

[Adam Carolla]

Winner, followers. I am. I am so at C right now. God damn it.

[Patton Oswalt]

I'm going to go with Adam.

[Big J Okerson]

What's R even stand for?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Robert.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Robert is Kelly such a long last name that we have to abbreviate your first name? No one's got enough time in the.

[Patton Oswalt]

Day to say Robert Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me rub your head for luck before I guess. Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God, I. It's not Lou. I know. It's not Lewis. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

These two are this.

[Jason Mewes]

I mean, guys just put Big J down on the board. It's crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not really a fun way to play the game. Just to yell at everybody to put me down.

[Patton Oswalt]

Why would he.

[Jason Mewes]

Is that far?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys, is that really fun?

[Jason Mewes]

It's. It's probably Jason Muse.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It is, cuz that's what I'm writing and you're an idiot. Jason Muse. Lock it in. Two points for the big guy.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, come on, Pat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

N. I'm going, Big J. I'm just going.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a suspicion.

[Jason Mewes]

Crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

I have.

[Jason Mewes]

Did you. Did you draw my beautiful lips?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow, those are nice lips.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex. All of her answers are in. Tell me why. This is Big J.

[Alex]

Story number six belongs to Big J Okerson.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't make a lot of.

[Jason Mewes]

I believe in 1 points.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't make a lot of NASCAR references on stage. But what happened there, Lewis, is you tucked in behind me and you just bump drafted me right to winner's circle. That's what happened.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I worked at. Before DirecTV was called DirecTV was called USSB. And I got a shitty job, like just answering phones and billing department. And they got a call and it was from a Robert Kelly, and they.

[Jason Mewes]

Were, what's up, dude?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Had him. The real bummer is that none of our panel get that. I.

[Big J Okerson]

He's like, I believe I did pay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To this day, I don't know if it was R. Kelly, but they put him on. They said like, yeah, R. That was a big thing. They go, r. Kelly has an account with us. It was very new. And I was like, oh, that's. And then one time, Robert Kelly called in, they put it in the queue, and they were like, you want to answer it? And I was like, yeah. He goes, he's three months in slate, so they want me to get on. And I went on the phone and argued with what? I just choose to believe to this day was music hit maker, number one selling artist, national touring, and we'll leave it at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's leave it right there. Let's get the next question. We're good, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

International pedo. Robert. Call him R. Kelly. Kelly. And I believe. I still believe this day that I did that. And I don't know if I. I don't know if me telling him that his cable is gonna get cut off is what sent him into that spiral, but I don't know that it's not. So to those girls and their families.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I apologize.

[Jason Mewes]

Wow, that's big of you.

[Big J Okerson]

That's powerful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where's my camera?

[Jason Mewes]

Alex points.

[Alex]

In last place, but now with four points, Adam. Carolla.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, I don't want to go Happy Gilmore on your ass, but if this was golf, I'd be dominating right now, so think about it.

[Alex]

In fourth place, with five points, Jason Mewes. In third place with nine points, Patton Oswald. In second place with 12 points, Big J. Okerson. And in the lead with 16 points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jesus H. Christ.

[Alex]

J. Gomez.

[Jason Mewes]

I don't want to win. I don't know what to do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Stop cheating.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a skill and a curse.

[Jason Mewes]

I do get accused of cheating so much now people like, he just cheats.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're right. You're in cahoots with a full staff that fears you. You govern by fear, and they will tell you whatever. They're giving you a buzz in your pocket or something. Oh, I want to break your fist.

[Patton Oswalt]

I remember texting you all the stories before I came in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You asked everyone that. You.

[Patton Oswalt]

Just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it's like that chess champion. I think there's some sort of anal probe situation.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're zipping them.

[Jason Mewes]

I just have a giant black dildo in my ass right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every time Lewis says a name, he's already been attached. You'll notice when every time Lewis says one person's name, he'll be like, patton. Let me ask you a question, Adam. Oh, I'm gonna go.

[Big J Okerson]

Adam. So he farted out my name in Morris code back in the green room. So that's when I got suspicious.

[Jason Mewes]

Yo, it's Luis J. Gomez and Big J orchison coming at you like Cleopatra from Story wars, the wildest game show podcast in the world. Man, we're hyped to talk about brunt workwear, the boots that got our feet feeling like they're on vacation while dodging verbal grenades up here. Jay, what's the deal? With your Brunt kicks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, Lewis, I'm rocking the Marin 6 inch soft toe. Check these bad boys out. Ooh, straight out the box. These things are comfier than my couch. Most boots I've worn, weeks of breaking and torture, walking on bricks. But Brunt, it's like they hugged my feet from day one.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, I made me miss my mom just now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

Anyway, I've got the toes. Waterproof safety toe. Look at this beast. I'm stomping around like I'm ready to build a skyscraper, but they feel like my favorite sneakers. Other brands, forget it. Blisters for days. Brunt's built for real work. No breaking bs. And they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal. Tough as hell, but comfy. Jay, you think these boots could survive your stand up rants?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Survive? These could survive your Puerto Rican temper tantrums.

[Jason Mewes]

Louis, that's actually racist.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a little racist.

[Jason Mewes]

Guilty as charged, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also, it's racist that I use them for style, but you use them for day work.

[Jason Mewes]

Are you a Mexican day worker? Do you work 16 hour days for 60?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you tired of your feet feeling so bad? Squeezing up in my very uncomfortable boots.

[Jason Mewes]

Your feet are going to feel like they're on a. Trying to think of the Spanish word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're gonna feel like you're walking on clouds as we send your ass across the border the same way you came.

[Jason Mewes]

It's gonna feel like your feeder and cotton candy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you feel like sneakers. When I take the long walk back.

[Jason Mewes]

To my dangerous village, when I'm swimming through swamps, my Brunt workwear, they feel so good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Eventually I will be killed because I cannot afford to pay the cartel anymore. But I say bury me and my Brunt workwears.

[Jason Mewes]

Look, they didn't just make a durable work boot. They reinvented comfort for the hardest workers out there. There Mexicans. And for a limited time, Story wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listeners now in tiny Mexican sizes.

[Jason Mewes]

Listeners get $10 off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're like a woman's boot for a man.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex, how many pesos is $10? We just want to make sure that everyone knows.

[Louis J. Gomez]

70 billion.

[Jason Mewes]

70 billion pesos off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's always some wacky number.

[Jason Mewes]

Story wars listeners get $10 off at BR by using the code wars with a Z at checkout. Just go to bruntworkwear.com b r u n t workwear.com use that code wars with a Z and you are all set. All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're down to our final two stories.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alexandra, story number seven.

[Jason Mewes]

Whoa.

[Alex]

Story number seven. I Was once fired from a day job after lying about coming into work. My boss had called me from my own desk to ask me how the day was going.

[Patton Oswalt]

That's phantom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is tough.

[Jason Mewes]

This is fun. Hijinks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. This could be anybody up here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's also a great. That's also a great story.

[Big J Okerson]

You had to have a desk, though.

[Jason Mewes]

That may limit this from my own desk. This could be a warehouse, Adam.

[Big J Okerson]

That's true.

[Patton Oswalt]

Or a Blockbuster.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Absolutely. Could be a blockbuster. Wait, you don't have a desk at Blockbuster. No, it's just the desk.

[Patton Oswalt]

Counter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Desk, the counter.

[Patton Oswalt]

That's true. That's true.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, Socrates once said the warehouse is the indoors.

[Patton Oswalt]

Outdoor.

[Big J Okerson]

I think. Think that's him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think I quoted saying that. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's gonna haunt me. That really will haunt me. I might. Might actually have to go write that down.

[Big J Okerson]

I own a warehouse. I'm not going to work tomorrow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Big J Okerson]

So I was fired from a job. A day job. All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This. I. It's not you, Louis. Right? Look at me. That's all. I just need you to look at me.

[Jason Mewes]

You toughen my eyes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. It's not you.

[Jason Mewes]

I've actually. I don't. I've.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You never had a desk job, ever?

[Jason Mewes]

Well, I've had desk jobs, but I've never been fired. Really? I don't think I was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Quit. Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

You.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You have worked at gyms. Maybe you did that.

[Jason Mewes]

It's a guy we know. Jim. He's got a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jude.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, let's see.

[Jason Mewes]

Dude.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like Patton is too responsible for this kind of behavior.

[Jason Mewes]

He was robbing people and buying hooch at a liquor store.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He worked at a dildo warehouse.

[Adam Carolla]

Once. Once you ship, like, 50 dildos, the laws don't apply to you anymore. Time doesn't mean anything.

[Louis J. Gomez]

International waters at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

That's done. Yeah, you're done.

[Jason Mewes]

I realize he actually. Actually fits in with the legion of skates.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you. One of us. One of us.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm getting Corolla vibes on this.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm getting them, too. The only thing I'm bumping up against is the desk. Yeah, that's what I'm bumping up against.

[Jason Mewes]

Well, it was a child's desk from an elementary school.

[Big J Okerson]

If there's a chair welded to it, it doesn't really. Not Henry Ford at that point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You don't have a. No. Adam's all outside work.

[Jason Mewes]

You never worked the job. And no job with a desk at all.

[Big J Okerson]

Why should I tell you? You're dominating this game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That Was. That was like. There's no chance Jason Muse had a desk job that he would get called from?

[Patton Oswalt]

No, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm in your office, Jason.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah, let's. I'm going to go. Adam, I think. I can't imagine Patton has another story.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks.

[Big J Okerson]

All the great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You've already told that one story.

[Big J Okerson]

You tell all the great.

[Patton Oswalt]

I'm saying they already told two of his stories, but I don't think it's rant. I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

Jason is right. All the great comedians max out at two stories a warehouse. That's how you become a legend, kids. And you never do more than two.

[Patton Oswalt]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I just don't imagine they picked.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta know when to walk away.

[Big J Okerson]

It's random.

[Patton Oswalt]

I don't think it's random. I think that. I think they're.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It is random. It is random.

[Jason Mewes]

It is all randomized.

[Louis J. Gomez]

100.

[Patton Oswalt]

All right, well, then I'm an.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, Lewis's butt implant just went off to make him say random over and over again. Rand.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, random.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, random. I said it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You are vibrating. All right, I went with Adam cuz Lewis said.

[Jason Mewes]

Just followed me.

[Adam Carolla]

Turns out to be Lewis Hell.

[Jason Mewes]

Follow me straight to hell, my friend. Alex. All of our answers are in seven stories.

[Alex]

Holy. You guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, me running. Who is it?

[Jason Mewes]

What is it?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, what?

[Alex]

This story belongs to Lewis. J.

[Patton Oswalt]

Go.

[Jason Mewes]

Holy. Am I kicking ass in this game?

[Patton Oswalt]

Damn. I wrote Lewis first.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The stakes of this game has just gone to nothing.

[Jason Mewes]

There is no way anybody on this panel could possibly catch up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go on, tell us your stupid story about that one desk job you had. Remember I just asked you.

[Patton Oswalt]

Dude, I thought he was.

[Jason Mewes]

Guess where the. Guess what. The show job was at a gym was at New York Health and Racket Club. And I used to live walking distance from. I was in Gramercy and I would. I set my desk phone to forward to my cell phone. So I just like lie in bed and get gym calls. Like, I was just like jerking off and smoking weed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And my boss, hey, we're having a two week offer.

[Jason Mewes]

And my boss, he called and he was like, hey, how's the day going? I was like, great, dude. It's the best day I've ever had. And he's like, yeah, I'm sitting at your desk right now. And I was like, man, yeah, they fired me. That was my last job.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And he was like, you're like, dude, I can't jerk off at my desk.

[Jason Mewes]

You freak.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fucking weirdo.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex, I really did clean up thanks to. Thanks to double points. I. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we need to do the last category?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Jason Mewes]

We don't have to, but for the fun of the show, why not? Where are points at, Alex?

[Alex]

All right, in last place with four points, Adam Corolla.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why take the digit?

[Alex]

In fourth place with five points, Jason Mewes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, the claps have gone down to patters.

[Alex]

In third place with nine points, Patton Oswalt. In second place with 12 points, Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis has 4037 points. Save your claps.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 24 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Patton Oswalt]

Let's do. Let's do like the. The ultimate last question round where you get 20 points for this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Deal.

[Patton Oswalt]

Let's do it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Deal.

[Patton Oswalt]

Whoever gets this Adam Katai points, Patton could win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everybody can win if it's a 20 point.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yeah, come on, bro. You said you don't want to fucking win.

[Jason Mewes]

Hey, me and Jay have discussed and we've decided for the first time ever to give just a chance to people on the panel. Our last question is going to be. Be quadruple points.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, Louis, I love all of our little monsters.

[Jason Mewes]

This is unprecedented.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, so you're saying I got a shot at. At eighth place. I just want. Look, Lewis, you're going to win this thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me read a couple of pages. Just let me read the forward, would you, bro?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on, just seriously, give him a taste.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me wet my beak. Just a glossary. Let me just look at the glossary.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Seriously, this could change everything. Does Lewis win?

[Jason Mewes]

This is the first time we've ever done this. This is huge. So it's every. Every person you fool, you get four points. And every time you guess a story correctly, you get eight points.

[Alex]

Eight points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Points.

[Jason Mewes]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is huge. It's huge.

[Jason Mewes]

This is huge.

[Big J Okerson]

Normally, before Lewis makes a proclamation this big, he has to talk to his manager, but in this case, we're going for it on the fly.

[Jason Mewes]

We're doing it. Wait, yeah, Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It wouldn't change.

[Alex]

It actually also wouldn't change anything.

[Louis J. Gomez]

For the first time ever, we're going.

[Jason Mewes]

No, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Centuplet points.

[Big J Okerson]

I love the half. Audience is holding up seven fingers. The other half's holding up three and a half. You got a lot of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I probably didn't say it right. It's okay.

[Jason Mewes]

No, no, no, Jay. If it's your story, you can get 16 points. So there's two people on the panel that can still win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is my name people have spoken to. They want se.

[Jason Mewes]

Fine. For every person you fool, you get Seven points. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get 14 points. First time in the history of story wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That works out. I don't think Adam could win. So for the first time ever, what's 10?

[Jason Mewes]

Deca. Deca.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Deca.

[Jason Mewes]

Point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

So what happened that night?

[Big J Okerson]

Patton?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Big J, he just went crazy. I don't, I don't know what. He kept upping it. It was. There was a mood. I heard that. That people got the same vibes at Altamont. Like, I, I. It just was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Really out of control.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But every time you fool somebody, it would be that many points per person.

[Jason Mewes]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think we could have stopped back at a quadruple.

[Jason Mewes]

Yes, I said that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, quadruple, then.

[Jason Mewes]

I, I think we've. I think we've committed to setup points.

[Big J Okerson]

All right. I've had to piss for like 20 minutes, so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. What's this?

[Big J Okerson]

I'm not telling you how to run your show. Bring it home.

[Adam Carolla]

I was at Woodstock 99, and I was not that frightened as I am right now. This has gotten really dark and weird.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you guys are thinking this is all just for bullshit, remember eyes on the prize you could take home. At Home with the Queen by Brian Ho. Do you even realize that it offers a rare look at Queen Elizabeth II through the eyes of Angela Kelly, her longtime personal dresser and trusted companion. Kelly paints a picture of a monarch who is sharp, grounded, and surprisingly laid back in an intimate account of a royal life told by someone who spent years by the queen's side, choosing outfits, sharing quiet moments, and witnessing history from inside the palace. So with no further ado, Alex Patton.

[Jason Mewes]

Just realized that it was written by the perspective of the queen's dresser. And it really tickled him. I just watched him lose it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just the person who dressed her. It's a pretty thick book for that, I say, but you know, nice and thick.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex Stuart Emery.

[Alex]

Story number eight. Someone in my family was sick and had a living nurse.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Alex]

Every once in a while.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex was living. All nurses that are going to sick family are living.

[Adam Carolla]

What's the alternative?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You still.

[Big J Okerson]

You need to take your temperature.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My grandfather's got a rare thing he needs. A nurse who is undetecting brains. A living nurse. Good.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Must empty bedpan, change shoes and colostomy bag.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait a minute. It is called visiting Angels.

[Alex]

Someone in my family was sick and had a live in nurse. Every once in a while, she would give me a call asking me to meet her someplace where she would have sex with men. And squirt breast milk on them. It turned them on for me to watch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, that's the origin story of someone who's doing heroin by 21.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Patton Oswalt]

Big.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry is correct.

[Jason Mewes]

You get. Yeah. 14 points.

[Alex]

14 points, very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

There are too many clues in this room. I'm sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry.

[Jason Mewes]

I mean, so is it the family member that squirted the breast milk or was it the live in nurse?

[Adam Carolla]

But would it turn on the nurse or the men, or both? Like, was that part of it? Would she tell the men? Like, and by the way, this kid's watching us. He's gonna be in a movie someday and do heroin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not gonna believe who this kid's gonna be. Who? You squirrel.

[Jason Mewes]

Also, this. How is anybody's day. Whose day job is this?

[Louis J. Gomez]

The nurse?

[Jason Mewes]

What are we talking about? What the fuck just happened here?

[Adam Carolla]

His job was to. Although wait a minute. Lewis is right. Was this person paid to go watch? Because then technically there's advantage of there's no kickback. Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's the vig on this?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what the vig is? Memories.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Beautiful memories. Beautiful, beautiful memories.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sometimes the most important thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jason Mewes]

The best vig of all.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Beautiful.

[Jason Mewes]

I am getting Jason Muse vibes right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course you are.

[Patton Oswalt]

He seems to know a lot about this though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He did. Though I will say that I'm going patent, bro. Now.

[Jason Mewes]

Patents. Not Pan's. Not watching a woman squirt breast milk.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was a child.

[Patton Oswalt]

He's not. He was selling dildos.

[Big J Okerson]

He told me backstage he was lactose intolerant.

[Jason Mewes]

This can't be him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This kid. Don't be surprised. This is quietly Adam Corolla.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, this is anyone's game.

[Jason Mewes]

I'm putting my final vote in Jason Mewes. Sorry, Jay, I just sabotaged your chance of beating me.

[Big J Okerson]

I haven't experienced this kind of drubbing since Dancing with the Stars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, you're in the mix.

[Patton Oswalt]

Can I vote for myself?

[Jason Mewes]

I'm just kidding. Everyone picked Jason Muse.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, if it's you, Louis, I'll kill myself on stage. I swear to God, if it's you, I don't know how, but I'll do it.

[Jason Mewes]

Now if it's not Jason Mewes, whoever it is, is gonna probably win the game right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I hope.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, you're good at math.

[Jason Mewes]

Alex. All of our answers are in final store.

[Alex]

The final story belongs to Jason Muse.

[Adam Carolla]

Which means nothing.

[Patton Oswalt]

21.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The origin story of a 21.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I love that he knew.

[Patton Oswalt]

He knew right away.

[Adam Carolla]

So What?

[Patton Oswalt]

It was. Sorry. I did get paid.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh.

[Patton Oswalt]

So.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My memories, dude. Memories.

[Big J Okerson]

By the quart of the gallon.

[Patton Oswalt]

It was just straight up. Sometimes it was for milk, sometimes it wasn't.

[Big J Okerson]

My milk money.

[Patton Oswalt]

Someone was really sick of my family, and they. This nurse took care of her, but she would call me and be like, hey, man, do you want to meet me here? And. And I'm going to have sex with this guy. And he likes when someone watches. So I would sit in a chair and watch her, like, squirt milk on him. The crazy thing is, her kid was, like, 12 years. Like, 12 or 14 years old.

[Jason Mewes]

She could have used him.

[Patton Oswalt]

Well, she was still producing milk, is my point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I thought you were saying she could have had him come watch.

[Patton Oswalt]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm saying I have a kid to do this. The first time she did it, I was blown away because she. The kid's like, 4, 14, and she still somehow was producing milk. But, yeah, whatever.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How old were you?

[Patton Oswalt]

It was last week.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Patton Oswalt]

I was. My mom, I was 20, 26. I think I was, like, 26, 25. It was when I was doing drugs again. Anything first for a fix. You said it. You called.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but this chick, this nurse was. I'm picturing, was like a Jamaican obese.

[Big J Okerson]

Lady, nicknamed the Decorator.

[Patton Oswalt]

Not. Not obese, but on the thicker end. On the thicker end, but. But, yeah. Anyway, I feel like it got real quiet. Like it's almost too weird.

[Jason Mewes]

Like, if you're watching out there, Jason misses you.

[Patton Oswalt]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't.

[Patton Oswalt]

Why haven't you come, called me? What the fuck?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't want to get political about the ethnicity of the nurse, but these people come to our country, they do the jobs. They do the jobs we won't do. They clean our toilets.

[Adam Carolla]

Here we go.

[Big J Okerson]

They bus our dishes. They make our food. They squirt and lactate on the elderly. They do the jobs Americans won't do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let them stay. Let them stay. Let them stay. Let them stay. Let them stay.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right. That's right. Are you gonna pick cabbage in the hot sun or lactate all over a loved one?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, they're not. I see the lazy in their eyes.

[Big J Okerson]

Who's gonna clean your hotel room? Who's gonna squirt milk juice all over Nana?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Exactly. This guy.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right.

[Patton Oswalt]

Right.

[Jason Mewes]

Future me.

[Patton Oswalt]

Why is it Nanda?

[Jason Mewes]

Alex, let's make it official. What is our final score count?

[Alex]

All right. In last place with five points, Jason Muse.

[Patton Oswalt]

What the. I went from tit.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't get first round draft picked next year.

[Patton Oswalt]

I have to see tomato.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were trying to tank and you.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm trying to tank it to get the first round draft for the next round for the late show. It's going to take mayhem. Me, God damn, I can't win.

[Alex]

For losing in fourth place with 18 points, Adam Corolla.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's so many points, so many points.

[Big J Okerson]

I earned everyone of those.

[Alex]

In third place with 23 points, Pat Noswar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's a crazy amount of points.

[Alex]

And your winner tonight with the highest score in story wars history with 38 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How.

[Patton Oswalt]

How the was this my idea to quadruple the points and I come it made me go in last place.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because what we ended up doing was septle points. L J Gomez, congratulations. You.

[Jason Mewes]

Oh, I'm so excited.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love you so much. Having a big round applause for our panel up here on story wars, the great Pat noswal, the great Adam caroa, the great Jason Muse.

[Jason Mewes]

I am Louis J. Gomez. He's the great big J okerson. This is story wars. We'll check you next week. Good night.