056. Jamie Kennedy, Katherine Blanford, & Craig Conant | Balls

Summary

Story Warz Ep. 056 – “Balls”

Featuring: Jamie Kennedy, Katherine Blanford, Craig Conant
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J. Gomez
Date: August 29, 2025
Live from: The Comedy Store, Los Angeles

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Episode Overview

This raucous installment of Story Warz takes on the deceptively broad theme "Balls" with an all-star panel of comedians—Jamie Kennedy, Katherine Blanford, and Craig Conant—battling hosts Big Jay and Luis J. in a game of wit, bluffing, and personal anecdotes. Story Warz’ hilarious deception mechanics return as comedians try to outguess and out-lie each other, resulting in wild reveals, running bits about toxic masculinity, and some real insight into comedy camaraderie.

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Episode Structure & Format

• Panel: Each comic (and the two hosts) secretly submits 3–5 stories on the episode's theme.
• Gameplay: Producer Alex reads stories aloud. The panel guesses who the author is with the goal to deceive others and correctly guess authorship; points are awarded accordingly.
• Theme: “Balls” (in every possible interpretation)
• Prize: The winner earns a classic from the “Story Warz Library”—this week, A Tale of Two Cities.

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Key Moments & Discussion Highlights

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[03:18] – The Vibe & Introductions

• Jay: “We love you guys. Now that—That made good sense when you said it yesterday…but now you’re telling this crowd the other shows this week have not been great.”
  Setting the episode’s tone—sardonic, rowdy, and self-aware.

• Jay on the rules: "All five of us…have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. That subject? Balls."

• Luis: “Be better is what I'm saying.”
  Crowd is hyped—lots of banter about what "balls" even means, and Craig instantly confesses he didn’t read the assignment fully (‘sent in like nine stories…three of them were balls picker and balls related.’)

• Katherine: "That's a hard one for me."
  The group riff on who here really has the “balls” experience; Katherine jokes: “You have the three most unathletic people on this table right now.” (08:02)

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[11:15] – Story 1: “I once threw a chair at my boss.”

• Immediate suspicion: Most believe this is Craig (because it doesn't seem to fit the “balls” theme and he didn’t read the assignment), but the subject of violence on the job brings the hosts’ personalities to the fore.
• Katherine: “Would you say throwing a chair at somebody’s kind of a bitch move, you know what I’m saying?” (14:29)
• Jamie: “You saying I’m a country club kid?” (13:51)
• THE REVEAL: It’s Jamie Kennedy’s story! He tells at length how he threw a chair at James Gunn during a comic book film debate in his youth—“Not only did I alienate Marvel, I pissed off DC, too.” (21:03)

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[23:38] – Story 2: "I've witnessed firsthand why a man shouldn't attempt to wax his own balls at home."

• Riffing on balls maintenance: Jay, Luis, and Kennedy go into graphic, comedic detail. Jay describes his own failed waxing attempt—“It sounded like a phone book was being ripped, like someone's tearing carpet.” (31:38)
• All guess Katherine—but the story is Jay's!
• Jay reveals: The story concerned his own failed attempt, encouraged by his ex-wife, with “the green wax... you put on, (it) gets hard, and you pull off…” (30:16)
• Quote: “I listened to Pantera and it took me over 30 minutes because every time you pull down…I had a lot of hair. It sounded like a phone book was being ripped.” (31:39)

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[33:49] – Story 3: "Big fight with someone I was dating in high school because they went to a debutante ball."

• Immediate consensus: Must be Katherine, due to the Southern connection and the topic.
• Luis: “What’s a debutante ball? Are you a princess?” (34:22)
• But twist: It’s Luis’ story—dating a Ukrainian girl in high school, she ditches him for a countryman at a formal; he’s left fuming (“Now I've been funding Russia ever since.” (42:45))
• Memorable exchange:
  • Katherine: “I bet you weren’t even dating them! …she was like, I don’t know who you are, you’re like, shut the fuck up, bitch. You’re my girl.” (41:24)

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[47:14] – Story 4: "I had a roommate put his balls on my shoulder ... then his penis kissed my cheek."

• Roommates & shenanigans: Suspicions fly. Jay, who’s notorious for comedian roommate stories, tells on Joe DeRosa, who “kept calling my name…waiting for me…to turn around and show me his dick…when I turn, his dick kissed me on the cheek, and his fucking pre jizz pulled a string off mozzarella cheese…” (57:16)
• Katherine: “Is that considered sexual assault?” (50:50)
• Revelation: The panel debates cultural context; Luis and others compare levels of “white guy” gayness in comedy houses.

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Scores at Halftime

• Jay surges ahead with 7 points, while the others lag but “double points” in the second half makes anything possible.

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[68:46] – Story 5: "I snuck into an Olympics opening ceremony disguised as a cleaner."

• Katherine’s stealth: Panel suspects Craig or Jamie, but the detailed knowledge of the Olympics gives a clue.
• Katherine reveals: She interned with an Australian cleaning company at the 2012 London Olympics, donned a cleaner’s uniform, and (half) accidentally bumped into Stephen Hawking in the VIP area while sneaking into the opening ceremony just to see the Spice Girls. (81:11)

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[86:50] – Story 6: "At age 7, I crashed an elderly family member's car at the bank."

• Classic “dumb crime” tale:
• Everyone suspects Jamie (“Who says ‘elderly’ but a Kennedy?”) (87:32), but it’s Craig’s story.
• Craig:
  • “I wrote, ‘I crashed my nana's car.’ They wrote it different. I don’t talk like that. She went in (the bank) and left the engine running. I got behind the wheel...I crashed over a little curb into a brick wall.” (92:51)
  • Nana gets in, tells him: “Don’t tell anybody about this.” (93:35)

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[96:30] – Story 7: "I once did an impression of a powerful celebrity to his face."

• Unanimous pick: Jamie Kennedy.
• Jamie tells a Red Lobster/Arsenio Hall story:
  • “He’d come in with beautiful women, I’d seat him…one day, I walk him in and do his own ‘give it up!’ intro voice. He just goes to his booth, says nothing.” (104:20)

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[108:04] – Story 8: "I threw firecrackers at cops on horseback on July 4th."

• Obvious signature: It’s Craig Conant’s viral youth tale—he was arrested for accidentally targeting police (and a police horse) with fireworks.
  • Craig: “I have four charges…assault on a police officer and assault on a horse officer. The horse’s fine was more expensive than the cop’s!” (110:05)

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[112:10] – Overtime Showdown: Katherine vs. Luis

Tie-breaker as both have 16 points. Both wager points ("Jeopardy rules") on the final story.

• Story: “I dropped a bag of cement on my left testicle, causing a hematoma.”
• Panel rolls with the guesses and ball jokes, all agreeing it’s a very ‘Craig’ injury.
• Katherine wins! (by wagering all 16 points and guessing correctly):
  • “Give me the fucking book. Can a bitch get behind…Motherfuckers. Sit down. I haven’t said it yet. I’ve had to take a dump this whole show, and I’m gonna go back there—and while I’m peeing, I’m gonna think about all you motherfuckers who had to rise when I said double points.” (117:00)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

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• On storytelling with violence:

  • Big Jay: “It takes balls to throw a chair.” (14:53)
  • Katherine: “Would you say throwing a chair at somebody’s kind of a bitch move?” (14:29)

• On debutante culture:

  • Luis: “What the fuck is a debutante ball? Are you a princess?” (34:22)

• On male grooming:

  • Jay: “You stretch the bag out…paint the walls…flat surface, then you go under.” (24:37)
  • Jay: "It sounded like a phone book was being ripped, like someone's tearing carpet." (31:39)

• On living with Joe DeRosa:

  • Jay: “When I turn around, his dick kissed me on the cheek, and his fucking pre jizz pulled a string off mozzarella cheese…” (57:16)

• On Olympics infiltration:

  • Katherine: “I heard the Spice Girls were going to pop out.” (81:11)
  • Jay: "We're their Mexicans. You gotta get out there to see the world." (81:16)

• On Craig’s police fireworks arrest:

  • Craig: “The fine on the horse was more expensive than the police human officer.” (110:05)

• On ‘Story Warz’ camaraderie:

  • Jay: “They just see me sad here every week, watch my friend break my heart with lying to my face over and over again, and I believe you every time. And they watch it happen. It's like a soap opera. They can't stop.” (63:24)

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Important Timestamps

• [03:18] — Show and theme intros; rules explained.
• [11:15] — 1st story and first big reveal (Chair-throwing: Kennedy)
• [23:38] — Story 2: Ball waxing disaster (Jay's story)
• [33:49] — Story 3: Debutante ball (Luis’ tale)
• [47:14] — Story 4: The roomie’s “wet” prank (Jay & DeRosa)
• [68:46/81:11] — Story 5: Katherine’s Olympics escapade
• [86:50] — Story 6: Craig’s Nana’s car disaster
• [96:30] — Story 7: Jamie does Arsenio to Arsenio (Red Lobster)
• [108:04] — Story 8: Craig’s viral firecracker cop story
• [112:10] — Overtime standoff; Katherine wins

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Final Thoughts / Episode Tone

Story Warz 056 is a riotous glimpse into background stories of stand-ups at their raw, unvarnished best. The panel riffs mercilessly on each other, exposing both embarrassing and hilarious life moments, all filtered through the “balls” lens. With trademark Story Warz twists, running gags, and crowd interplay, the episode transforms personal cringe into communal comedy. Newcomers learn just how brilliant and absurd the format can be, while regulars get exactly what they came for: ball jokes, honest reveals, and no small amount of self-deprecation. Katherine Blanford goes from seeming underdog to triumphant “Story Warrior,” capping an episode where metaphorical and literal balls are in constant play.

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Winner: Katherine Blanford (“Give me the fucking book. Can a bitch get behind…”) (116:44)

If you missed it, this episode is a must-listen for fans of stand-up and subversive storytelling.

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Transcript

[Big J Okerson]

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[Katherine Blandford]

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[Big J Okerson]

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[Katherine Blandford]

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[Big J Okerson]

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[Louis J. Gomez]

Is happening November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the legion of skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[Big J Okerson]

Great news everybody. Story wars merch store now up and functioning. Everyone get your goddamn merch right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Represent the show that you love. Show that you are yourself a story warrior. We got T shirts, we got hoodies, maybe socks one day. StoryWarsMerch.com is the way butt plugs.

[Big J Okerson]

That thing you can put inside of a woman and you control it from your phone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The Story wars breakfast cereal. The Story wars flamethrower. Go to storywarsmerch.com and grab your merch today. What's going on? Story warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun. Buck face.

[Louis J. Gomez]

New yorkcomedyclub.com before we start today's show, let's thank yo Kratom for being a long time support, a longtime supporter of all things here at Gas Digital.

[Big J Okerson]

And thank you Craven for being a long time for being a longtime supporter of the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You have to keep it in. It's my Dutch accent. Oh, you're creatum. You'll do so good for us. Now if you're in the market for Kratom, you got to get it from your kratom.com 60 for a kilo. It's already the best deal on the Internet. There's no promo code needed. They support us, we support Them. We're not saying start using Kratom. We're saying if you're using it already, you want to get a discount on it. You want to get a pretty high quality Kratom. Get it from your crom.com.com. all right, let's start the show.

[Craig Conant]

Fill her up.

[Big J Okerson]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors. Big J Okerson and Louis J. Go. What is up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Story wars, night two, show three. Look at you guys. This is it.

[Big J Okerson]

Go on. Look at yourselves. We're in Los Angeles, dude, at the Comedy Store. Back for more. You guys came on a fantastic night. I'm Big Jokerson. That, of course, Louis J. Gomez, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake you already know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you. Thank you. I'm really excited to be here. I love Los Angeles. My favorite show we ever did was the first time we were in Los Angeles. You guys have just such crazy energy every time we come here.

[Big J Okerson]

We love you guys. Now that. That made good sense when you said it yesterday on the first show, but now you're telling this crowd, the other shows this week have not been great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The other shows. The other shows this week have been incredible. Just not as good as the first time we were at the Comedy Store. That was, you know, mind blowing.

[Big J Okerson]

So you guys have your fucking work cut out for you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Be better is what I'm saying.

[Big J Okerson]

How many people here familiar with the game Story War?

[Louis J. Gomez]

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

[Big J Okerson]

Why do they always feel so bad? All right, I'm a piece of shit. It's low self esteem. It doesn't matter. We're gonna explain this game to you after we get our great panel out here of contestants. Louis, start us off. Oh, I'll start us off, please.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why not?

[Big J Okerson]

Why not? He lives right here in Los Angeles. First time on the show. You know him from the community service podcast and the Whoopsie Daisy tour. Make some noise for Los Angeles own the hilarious Craig Conant.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Craig, you're what Dave Smith should look like.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, I know. He went the other direction. So hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Crazy.

[Craig Conant]

He's got to hit the pookie one more time, bro. 10 to 2, homie.

[Big J Okerson]

10 to 2, he's walked away from that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Our second panelist on tonight's show. Very excited. Also her first time here on Story Wars. You might know her from Cath. Catholic Cowgirl on YouTube. Copping up as loud as you can for Katherine Blandford. Come on.

[Big J Okerson]

Corduroy jumper. We. We heard you coming from the fucking laugh Factory?

[Katherine Blandford]

This is. This is your gold jumpsuit. You're about to fit in this little skinny J. I will.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll put it on. I look Elvis, actually.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I take it back. Katherine is what I wish Dave looked like.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. No, Craig's what he should look like. Catherine's what we wish he would look like. And now let's bring up our third contestant who actually looks like Dave. He's a regular here at the Comedy Store. You might know him from a couple films like Malibu's Most Wanted or the Scream franchise. How about it for the legend, the hilarious Jamie Kennedy? Everybody. Everybody. What a panel. Everybody. A first timer. I'll give you guys a heads up. Lewis cheats. He's in cahoots with the crew, and somehow he's always way up ahead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't need to cheat. Jay, is that bad at this game?

[Big J Okerson]

I'm not good. I'm not great at it.

[Alex (Producer)]

The staff would never cheat either.

[Big J Okerson]

It's not true. You would do whatever Lewis tells you to do.

[Alex (Producer)]

That's not true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sexually. That's also not true. Tell everyone. Tell everyone. Alex.

[Big J Okerson]

He'd rather, you know, he's a fucking sex predator than think he can't get laid. Very impressive for everybody out there listening for the first time. And if it's the few people in here who have never seen the show before or unfamiliar, the game is very, very simple. Story wars. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. That subject. Balls. Yeah. But you write it always.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know. Well, I decided not to because I forgot to.

[Big J Okerson]

But I was vamping long enough for you to write four.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I decided not to. I made an executive decision. I've written it, like, four shows.

[Big J Okerson]

You've done it. All right. Balls.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's a hard one for me.

[Big J Okerson]

It broke the rhythm that. I can see why that would be hard for you.

[Katherine Blandford]

Mine's all second person.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Well, for the record, Craig goes. There's a subject.

[Craig Conant]

I didn't read the text. I just said stories. Well, it was a long text.

[Big J Okerson]

Hopefully, your stories will fall into the realm of balls.

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm gonna think about dicks. You have the three most unathletic people on this table right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, three most? Oh, you three. I thought you were just on all the guys here and telling one of us that we were in shape. We're all like, who's she talking about?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, man, she's hurting my feelings. She's just like, dave Lewis looks like.

[Katherine Blandford]

He swings a Kettlebell every now and then.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis. Oh, yeah, he does, but at his girlfriend. I'm in my thinking room. It's one scary Joe Rogan monkey face ones too. Where it's gonna.

[Katherine Blandford]

Ah.

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody here has submitted three to five stories on Balls. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read eight of those stories off one at a time. There is eight rounds. If it's your story that appears on that screen, you're the only person who knows that. So it's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And for every person on the panel you fool, you get one point. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put it in this little slot right here and remove your hand, that is your final answer. You can't change it. It sounds confusing. You guys will get it. You guys already know the show. You guys will. By story three or four, you guys will understand what's happening.

[Big J Okerson]

And so very encouraging.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I'll tell you right now, look, it's a lot of fun. This is going to be the most fun you're ever going to have on a podcast. But I'll tell you right now, we don't play for fun here at Story Wars. Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

[Big J Okerson]

Every week here at Story wars, we are playing for a book from the Story wars library. Today's winner will take home the classic A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's good. It's happening right now.

[Big J Okerson]

What's that about? After 18 years in a grueling French prison, Dr. Manette is reunited with his daughter Lucy. However, their normally peaceful life is shattered as they live under the shadow of ongoing French revolution, which draws Lucy's husband into mortal danger. A classic story of redemption, this special edition of the book was released to promote a four part PBS television series.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can you believe it? How excited are you guys with the opportunity to win this book?

[Craig Conant]

I do you have it on cassette?

[Big J Okerson]

No, but there is a four part PBS television series.

[Craig Conant]

That's my final answer.

[Katherine Blandford]

Isn't PBS gone?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, they just got the funding, bro.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's gone. So this book, I really want to win it.

[Big J Okerson]

This thing could be worth thousands and thousands of dollars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are we doing?

[Big J Okerson]

What are we doing giving this away now we have to keep it in house. I think everybody understands how the game works as best as they're gonna. Is this crowd ready for war?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Is this crowd ready for war? Thank you, Roots. The Roots are always here off camera. You guys know that quest. Loving the boys. We can't afford to get him on camera with any further ado. Alex. Story number one.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number one. I once threw a chair at my boss.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who doesn't have this story?

[Big J Okerson]

Am I supposed to do that right away?

[Craig Conant]

Right, Right away.

[Big J Okerson]

You can't take it out now. You're gonna look awesome if you get it right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And everybody in this room, by the way, loves that. You spelled Louis name wrong. Yeah, he did. We like it so much. Don't feel bad about it. And look, unfortunately, you can't take it out and change it because it's your final answer.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You spell like King Louie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you can't take it out.

[Craig Conant]

I'll just spell it correctly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can spell it correctly. It's fine. But I will say if it.

[Big J Okerson]

There you go.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Now it says Louise.

[Big J Okerson]

Louise.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

I know it's right. It reads Luis, but it. But. But it's pronounced Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it was up to Craig, this G, this whole entire show would be over in four minutes. Story. Write the name down. Let's go.

[Big J Okerson]

It's going to seem like it is to him anyway. That was a fun show. What show? Early guests on Lewis. Look, this. Anytime there's violence, it could be Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason, you're just as violent as I am. Except you're a pussy.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I'm just white. You are Latino with that fire. And people are looking for problems. When you come in, you look like you're bringing a problem. You have an angry face. And you would throw a chair at a boss with reckless abandon and no care for a thing in the world. But I don't think this is you. I think you would have told me you threw a chair at a boss. And if you didn't, you're either making the story up and you're just trying to hurt me. I've seen you do this before.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this could easily be Catherine. I see she's got this fire in her, and I. You know, I. The only. The people that have been most violent towards me have been blonde women.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. I think it's Jamie Kennedy. And he threw it at Wes Craven. And I said, I got the line, you old folks.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And that's why I was killed in the 90s.

[Katherine Blandford]

I thought at first it might be Jamie, but I feel like you. If you had ever had a job, you wouldn't have put boss. You just would have put dad. You know what? I'M saying you look like.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You saying I'm a country club kid?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, you look like a little prissy. Then I thought it might be Louis, but then I was like, no, he would never work anywhere where they would let him sit down. So no chase. And then.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. Now I think it's her. And she just wrote roast jokes for all of us. All right.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Jesus.

[Big J Okerson]

Why would it be me? Cause I would never get rid of a chair for sure.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, yeah. If it wasn't broken, you're gonna keep it. You know what I'm saying, Big J. And then. And then. So I'm gonna go. Wait, can I say who I want to go with?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, please.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay. I'm gonna go with Craig, because this has nothing to do with balls.

[Big J Okerson]

And he didn't understand.

[Craig Conant]

He didn't laugh. Cause I got fat sack. Geez.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Rose battle's at 10:30.

[Katherine Blandford]

Can we do this? Can we change?

[Big J Okerson]

Put it in your locks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I think that your logic makes sense. We already know that Craig has no idea that there's a theme, and this is not on theme. So I feel like there's a context clue there.

[Big J Okerson]

It takes balls to throw. Throw a chair.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, that's the stretch.

[Craig Conant]

I sent in nine stories, and three of them were balls picker and balls related. So I. I hit. But, like, accidentally. You know what I mean? I may say it was a long text.

[Big J Okerson]

It was just Catherine for the. For that reason that I think it's. It is balls, but proverbial balls. Who the fuck?

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, yeah. Okay. But would you say throwing a chair at somebody's kind of a bitch move, you know what I'm saying? It's like.

[Big J Okerson]

So you think it's Lewis.

[Katherine Blandford]

Lewis defended that. Lewis defended that. He got mad when I said that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, dude, you've never seen ECW before. It's particularly hardcore to throw chairs at people.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay. Folding.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sometimes I throw people through tables, ladders. Yeah, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Chairs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thumbtacks all over the bottom of the ring.

[Katherine Blandford]

Is this when you're in a video game and you're at your strongest?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Jesus.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm turned on.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Gross battles at 10:30. Jesus Christ.

[Big J Okerson]

Are you and Katherine having a meet cute right now?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have no idea what's happening.

[Big J Okerson]

Are you guys. You've got mailing around us.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, I'm going with Craig. I think he's a little confused. He's a little high. I want some of what he's smoking right here. But you know what? Hold on. You don't have the energy of, like, violence Craig, now that's a really good point.

[Big J Okerson]

Now, that's true.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You. He's. He's la, man. He's a bato.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you Mexican?

[Craig Conant]

I'm half. Yeah, yeah, Half.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You know what I'm saying?

[Katherine Blandford]

That's a good point.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, I am taking a different. I'm going with Catherine.

[Katherine Blandford]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

Because this story doesn't require physical testicles.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, okay. Spelled it right, did you? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Jamie Kennedy]

K. I mean, obviously, it could be Louis, right? You're Puerto Rico.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Puerto Rican.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very violent culture.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, but it'd be too obvious.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Now, Big J, Philly represent right here. So at the Mummers, I could see you throwing some shit. They don't know what that is. That was great reference for only us.

[Big J Okerson]

But it's a New Year's parade where the trash is the trash come out and put on costumes. And it's a lot like the Puerto Rican parade, but less rape.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yes.

[Craig Conant]

Is that where they oil up the light post right there?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yes.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Like the Puerto Rican Day parade, but more green cards.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Craig, this is a good possibility, but I got problems with blondes. I don't trust them. And they can get angry. See how you're smiling? Oh, I'm all sweet. I'm your substitute teacher. Where's your fucking homework? I'm going with Katherine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Love it.

[Big J Okerson]

Catherine is the kind of hot that would fuck a student.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You're from. Wait, you're the kind of how they show the picture. And I go, what the fuck is this chick doing?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, but I'm the hot that I get away with it, too. Okay. Have you noticed the ones that don't get away with it?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

You're hot enough to, like, kill your own child and get away with it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Sounds like someone has a plan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our answers are in story number one.

[Alex (Producer)]

Wow. You guys, story number one belongs to Jamie Kennedy.

[Craig Conant]

I was not expecting that.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, we didn't think that.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Don't say I don't have my SAG card.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wow, dude.

[Craig Conant]

Oh, he did throw it at wes.

[Jamie Kennedy]

David, it's Mr. Bitch.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Katherine Blandford]

You are the dad.

[Jamie Kennedy]

All right, is this loud enough? So I'll try to go to this story quickly. It was the 90s. I was working with a great group of actors, and I had done enough movies where I'm like, I got to make my own movie. And one of the actors on set said, this is my brother's script. Read this script. I read it. It was incredible. I gave it to my management at the time. Of course, they didn't get it. So another guy at the company did get it. He said, in order to make the movie, we got to get Rob Lowe. So Rob was the star of the movie. Now, we had a lot of meetings, and it was a comic book movie, and I didn't know anything about fucking Spider man or Magna Man. And so I was arguing with this guy and his brother.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Magna Man.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, Magna Man. Exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't waste your time trying to learn anything about him. It's not a thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Jump right to Wolverine.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So I used to go to Astro Burger. I take him down to Astro Burger. This guy had never had a movie produced. We were arguing all the time about what the superhero's powers were. Him and his brothers knew, all them. They were like, no. He shoots out of his fucking wrist. I'm like, no, his fucking elbow. All this shit. I knew nothing. Huge fight. I lost it. My mother had me when she was 46. Okay. Which might explain some of the mild retardations.

[Katherine Blandford]

So you had gray hair from the jump.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah. So sorry. We would argue all the time, and so you know when you have a spaz out and. You ever been to the fucking. You've been Astro Burger.

[Katherine Blandford]

What's Astro Burger?

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's down the street by Paramount.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't make the story longer if that didn't do it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So listen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you doing, anyway?

[Jamie Kennedy]

I freak out, and I said, you guys don't know shit. And I threw my chair. And that's the story. But here's the issue. The guy I threw my chair at was a guy named James gunn.

[Big J Okerson]

No shit.

[Jamie Kennedy]

100%. So not. I didn't want to alienate just the Marvel Universe. I wanted to piss off dc, too.

[Big J Okerson]

So.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Have you ever seen me as Magnaman's henchman number three?

[Katherine Blandford]

Three?

[Jamie Kennedy]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Because I threw a chair. So you were kind of right.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it would have. It would have been better to throw a chair at Wes Craven.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Can I. Did you get charges pressed on you?

[Jamie Kennedy]

No, it was a Astro Burger chair.

[Katherine Blandford]

They're like, oh, okay.

[Big J Okerson]

James Gun's not that much of a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, we're our point. I mean, I think I know where our points are at, but let everyone know.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. On the scoreboard, all alone with four points, Jamie Kennedy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Craig Conant]

I was about to say, who got points? We all got it wrong. I get it now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, guys, let's thank Superpowers for supporting today's show. We love Superpower. We've all been there before. You pay 200 for a doctor's appointment. Just for them to say, you're fine, you need to drink some water. That's it. More water. Superpower. Make sure that will never happen again. It's a one quick blood draw that tests for over 100 bucks. Biomarkers to unlock detailed information about your heart, thyroid, hormones, metabolism, nutrient levels, and even environmental toxins. You can either visit a nearby lab or have Superpower send a licensed professional right to your house.

[Big J Okerson]

Superpower then creates an action plan just for you based on your results, with supplement suggestions, nutritional guidance, and lifestyle and behavior adjustments. You even get your true biological age that you can track over time. Oh. Oh, that's the one that's gonna hurt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm 43 years old. This is literally what I need right now. I'm so paranoid. I'm such a hypochondriac. And you don't know. And I think that that's the. The thing is you sort of walk around going like, all right, well, I hope everything is fine. Knowing exactly what you do and the changes you need to make in your life to give yourself a long, extensive life. Absolutely incredible. I. I think back in the day, I used to be afraid because I was like, fuck it. I didn't want to extend my shitty life. But, no, life's pretty good. I want to extend my life. And superpower.com is going to help you out, because guess what? It used to cost 499 do the service. They have an incredible deal. If you go to superpower.com and lock in their special $199 price, it's going to change your life, literally. After you sign up, they're going to ask how you heard about them. Let them know that you mentioned the podcast to support the show. But it's $199 for this incredible service. Your biology decoded, your blueprint activated with Superpower. All right, where were we? Alex, Story number two.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number two. I've witnessed firsthand why a man shouldn't attempt to wax his own balls at home.

[Big J Okerson]

Witnessed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, this sounds like it's written by a woman.

[Katherine Blandford]

I don't think so. Because I would. Given the opportunity, I would love to wax a man's balls.

[Big J Okerson]

Why?

[Katherine Blandford]

I want. I want to rip that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just one pervert in the crowd is.

[Katherine Blandford]

Like.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, there was a woman sitting next to him, like, zapped his collar when he did that. Sorry. My mistress.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I never waxed my balls. What about you boys? Anybody up here wax their balls?

[Craig Conant]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Shave them, ladies.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No, you can't, because it clipper. If you get Close. That's a real problem.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, I use a. I use, like a Bic razor. You stretch the bag out, then you paint the walls. You get a flat surface.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Then you go under.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I. I manscape mine.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. Is this not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not even sponsored by manscape, but I genuinely manscape it. Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Do you actually do it also?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love Sherry's berries. My favorite treat.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, the underwear is pretty great, too.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, I thought that's when it gets really red.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got Sherry's berries.

[Jamie Kennedy]

This is somebody that did it or somebody who witnessed it.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's what says, see?

[Jamie Kennedy]

But we also could watch each other do it.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I would watch a friend try to do this.

[Katherine Blandford]

I wouldn't witness it. I would love to rip it off. I would. I would like to be asked to do that.

[Big J Okerson]

And I guess if.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fine, I guess you could rip tape off my balls. Catherine.

[Craig Conant]

I'll just take hairy balls, you know.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, well, not if you're sucking them.

[Katherine Blandford]

Who? Who? I'm going. I'm looking at haircuts right now going. Who's the most manicured one on this table?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it's by far big. Giant.

[Jamie Kennedy]

All of a sudden, I'm now a hairy bitch.

[Katherine Blandford]

Well, you're just kind of. There's hairs in places, you know what I'm saying? In different.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jamie, you look like you live in a pocket.

[Jamie Kennedy]

The big one or the change one?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, when your story gets too long, you get put back in there.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Sorry, teach.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, Big J is the most manicured by far. I mean, Big J does his eyebrows, his fingernails, his. He tans now. I don't tan. Why are you all red?

[Craig Conant]

He fishes.

[Big J Okerson]

I have a yard. I'm outside. But I'm not laying out to tan. Yeah, I. I lay out the tan a little.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You do lay out today.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I don't. But, like, I know what's happening when I'm out there.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Dude, now his arms.

[Craig Conant]

You're lawn mowing with the foil on your.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, look, I'm not. I'm not sun worshiping, but I mean, I'm aware what's going on.

[Katherine Blandford]

You also. You had a little pink streak in your hair at one point.

[Big J Okerson]

Still. Yeah, I still would.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm just worried about the clothes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's got a little brown streak in his underwear.

[Big J Okerson]

You know that's not true. You know for a fact that's not true.

[Craig Conant]

No underwear, right, Fine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know for a fact it's not true. The man's got a clean asshole. Legion of skanks episode 414, go check it out.

[Big J Okerson]

Is that it?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Are you saying that for real?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know for a fact he has a clean at all times.

[Jamie Kennedy]

That could be a clue.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah. I think you've seen him wax his own balls at home.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh. So this could easily.

[Big J Okerson]

I think Lewis watched me wax my balls. So it's Lewis's story. Good thinking, Craig.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, I'm gonna get. I'm gonna get the voting going. I think this is Catherine's story. She was only thinking balls in one way. She can't get her mind out of the gutter. So she submitted this story secondhand about somebody else's balls.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me second that notion because I agree. What a piece of shit. Catherine could be talking about balls.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You know what? I don't even have to wait. I'm with you. You know what? I can tell you got your fool me face on.

[Big J Okerson]

And now I love to bring the.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Crowd to a complete halt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, Craig. Everyone thinks it's Katherine.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, I'm going. Big J. He's got. Look how manicured he is. Look how perfectly shaped his beard reflection.

[Craig Conant]

That's some he's got.

[Katherine Blandford]

Who's the. What was the fourth best Backstreet Boy?

[Big J Okerson]

AJ McClain.

[Katherine Blandford]

You got AJ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Joey Fatone. You're thinking.

[Craig Conant]

I was thinking Joey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You're thinking of Joey Fatone.

[Katherine Blandford]

He got Joey.

[Big J Okerson]

It's always hurt that when people say like Joey Fatone, his name spells literally. Fat one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Joey Fat one.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Wait, can we take a side bet? Cuz we. I. This is Catherine. I'm pretty positive about that side bet.

[Big J Okerson]

And we was. Everyone's got Catherine except Catherine.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I know, but I a. Sponsored by like fanduel or something.

[Big J Okerson]

Are we even? I don't know, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right, everyone. Story number two belongs to Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What is happening? What is happening?

[Katherine Blandford]

Boom.

[Craig Conant]

What the boom?

[Katherine Blandford]

Boom? Yeah. You think I let somebody rip off their own balls? No, I'm gonna do that.

[Big J Okerson]

You're a nurse at heart, okay? You're a natural born nurse. You would never do that, dude.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yo, low key Jay, your acting skills off the hook right there.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone started jumping on Catherine. I was like, right, What a. What a weirdo. Yeah. She said the scene was the wording to make it so it could be anybody. But yeah, it was me. My. My ex wife had the balls. Yeah, she had balls. Finally somebody in the house had to. No, she just had a jar that whatever the green wax is, which isn't even like strips. It's the actual Wax that you put on is what you pull off. Like, the wax gets hard and you pull off, like. And I put it on relatively hairy balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What you witnessed firsthand, it was your own balls.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. No, I just told. You're not listening. I said when I started telling the story that Alex changed the wording so it could be anybody. So I get it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a very abstract way to put this story.

[Katherine Blandford]

This is your first time on the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I get it.

[Big J Okerson]

Story wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story wars, folks.

[Big J Okerson]

God, if you guys don't kiss.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And.

[Big J Okerson]

I put the wax on half, like, middle of my ball bag to, like, side of my dick hair.

[Katherine Blandford]

How is your relationship going at this point? Are y' all getting along?

[Big J Okerson]

We were good. This is actually a pretty decent place, I think.

[Katherine Blandford]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

And I put it on, and then she, you know, I let it dry with her, and then I started grabbing and pulling. And right away, I mean, on the first little lip I pulled, I was like, ooh, oh, I can't do this. And she goes, you can't change your mind.

[Katherine Blandford]

She didn't like you at that point.

[Big J Okerson]

Why could I have changed my mind?

[Katherine Blandford]

No, she wanted you to. She wanted you to rip your balls off.

[Big J Okerson]

She said it was going to hurt, but I was like, chick hurt.

[Craig Conant]

It's like a nose hair. It pulls nerves, buddy.

[Big J Okerson]

It's attached to. I don't know if these hairs go all the way to my asshole.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, that was. Did you go all the way? Did you go back door or just stay on the box?

[Big J Okerson]

I just did this half.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

It ended up just staying half. I just shaved the rest after because.

[Jamie Kennedy]

That'S a little weird.

[Big J Okerson]

When I did it the first, I got down and it took me. I listened to Pantera and it took me over 30 minutes because every time you pull down, I had a lot of hair. It sounded like a phone book was being ripped, like someone's tearing carpet. It was so loud. And then it was just. And then I'd walk around air punching the Pantera while a flap of hairy wax is hanging off my dick. My little peckers bouncing around, around. I'm not with her anymore. Yeah, we. We part our ways, even with a child.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So you went half ball, half Saudi Arabian?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

[Katherine Blandford]

Did it take skin off?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think. No. I don't remember there being any problem like that. It went clean, but it hurt.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, that's why.

[Big J Okerson]

And then the blood would come in where it's like. It looks like, oh, look how smooth that is. And then blood dots just start showing up. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, God. It's happening.

[Craig Conant]

You got varicose veins in your.

[Big J Okerson]

They just come up. Yeah, they just comes through like play doh hair.

[Craig Conant]

Do you still listen to Pantera?

[Big J Okerson]

I do, and every time it makes my balls hurt. We just saw Pantera a week ago.

[Craig Conant]

And your balls are going.

[Big J Okerson]

My balls were like, oh, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Remember, Alex, we're two stories in. Where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right on the scoreboard. In third place, place with two points, Katherine Blandford by two.

[Katherine Blandford]

Why do I only get two? Cuz I'm a girl.

[Craig Conant]

No balls.

[Katherine Blandford]

Why don't I get four?

[Alex (Producer)]

You guessed correctly. You get two points for every correct guess.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. In second place with three points, Big J Okerson. And in the lead with four points, Jamie Kennedy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Saying very early. Still anybody's game. Alex. Story number three.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number three. I got into a big fight with someone I was dating in high school because they went with someone else to a debutante ball.

[Craig Conant]

I mean, we.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, yeah, this Catherine story. Nobody else.

[Craig Conant]

We. We don't even know what a debut ball is. The is that if it's.

[Jamie Kennedy]

If it's not, someone's got to wax their balls again. This is. This is debutant.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have a What the is a debutant ball? Are you a princess?

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm not getting a. I'm not getting invited to a debutant ball either. That's not going to be me.

[Big J Okerson]

What is it?

[Katherine Blandford]

I think it's when you're a virgin. I don't know what it is.

[Big J Okerson]

I think, you know, you get to fly. Oh, this is your coming to womanhood.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. It's like what they do in Virginia or something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, ball.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Hey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I literally was like, what does this have to do with ball? Oh, ball.

[Big J Okerson]

It is funny. Catherine goes, I'm not gonna get invited to a Debbie Top ball. Who else up here is.

[Craig Conant]

It ain't me.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh. With somebody I met in elocution school.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Katherine.

[Katherine Blandford]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

This has to be you. Tell me. Give me. Just tell me it's not you. Give me a reason to believe it's not you.

[Katherine Blandford]

Well, because I. I would never let anybody I was dating look at another person. They would never even have the chance to.

[Big J Okerson]

Because you'll fight them.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So there's a fight. A fight because somebody went to a debutante ball. No.

[Katherine Blandford]

Nobody I would date would be. Have the balls enough to do that because they're afraid I would say.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I would say that with your voice. They would kick you out of any debutante ball.

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm not allowed in.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm Just here for the punch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let me in the tabby time box you got.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay. Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

I wore a dress. You hold a bottle of liquor. I wore a dress. It's good. It's corduroy.

[Katherine Blandford]

Those are the crotch cut out.

[Big J Okerson]

I had some leftover corduroy.

[Jamie Kennedy]

The only reason that might not be Catherine, because they don't let you wear pants suits at a debut.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. I would cut the crotch out of pants, and that's what I wear as a dress.

[Craig Conant]

With a corduroy thong. Yeah, I tried to add to it. Didn't happen. Didn't happen.

[Katherine Blandford]

Ooh.

[Craig Conant]

That's gonna hear my argument for the show, boys.

[Katherine Blandford]

Hear my argument, though. Yeah. Obviously this sounds like me. Okay. But also, doesn't this sound like something Jamie would do?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Why the fuck am I going to a fucking ball?

[Katherine Blandford]

Because you remember, you heard your story and you were, like, upset or whatever because you hadn't, like, sold a movie yet and you were all mad.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So after I was making it in Hollywood, I was going to high school. Debutante balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, it's Hollywood. It's true.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you guys called him something else. But the girls thought they weren't a Debbie. Tom, Paul, you're thinking like show ponies, letting them walk around the dirt. He goes. Look at him. Look at that one right there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I went to the. The world's biggest debutante ball on Epstein Island. It was pretty sick.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, man. You trying to cast the next powder puff movie or something? You were looking for young girls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, this is. We're literally just wasting time because we have to.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Powder puff.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, a powder puffy powder puff.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You guys remember the powder puff girls?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes, they do. These are freaks and nerds. They know about powder puff. That one guy probably jacks it to the weird one.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I'm Powder. Powder Puff. Powder puff.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, he drags back on.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's Powerpuff.

[Katherine Blandford]

This one gets his, by the way. This one.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Now, hold on, that's. But that's a little weird that I know it.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, and it looks like. Looks like you get your feelings hurt pretty quickly.

[Big J Okerson]

Catherine, can you please not hurt our fat nerd audience?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was real debutante energy that came out. You saw that?

[Big J Okerson]

What, are you guys gonna go home.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Play magic The Gathering? Losers. Y' all make me sick.

[Big J Okerson]

This show, what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna go a weird one here. Yeah, I know it's not Lewis. I don't think it's Jamie. Here's why I don't think it's Catherine. We're seeing this it has Debutante ball, but got into a big fight with someone they were dating in high school because they went to the. It means the girl could have, like, told she had to go with somebody else. It seems like it's some kind of formal event that it could be a guy getting mad at his chick for having to go with another guy to a dance. For that reason, I'm gonna throw a wild card here and say, Craig.

[Katherine Blandford]

I just feel like.

[Big J Okerson]

Little bit of drama here's.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay, Can I ask this. Lewis likes to fight, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely. He's got a problem with it.

[Katherine Blandford]

And where did you grow up?

[Big J Okerson]

With some weed in a decent place that didn't require this kind of personality.

[Katherine Blandford]

Did you? You grew up in Richmond? Tell me the truth.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I grew up in. I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is like super suburban.

[Katherine Blandford]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Could you say that a place where they may have a debutante ball?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know what a debutante ball is.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me tell you something. No, no, no, no.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I don't think you've ever heard the word debutante.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. What?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I did. No, I did. Powers did a series of pornography when I was a young man called Dirty Debuts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, Young Debutante.

[Big J Okerson]

Dirty Debutantes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Young Debutantes is different. Young Debutantes was a porn series.

[Big J Okerson]

Unquestionably talking about the great Ed Powers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who's Ed Powers?

[Big J Okerson]

He made Dirty Debutantes and then Black. Dirty Debutantes was a nice series.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's an oxymoron. Sorry, I was just kidding.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a little redundant.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So much trouble. There was enough not to be. There wasn't. No debutante does Dallas. That was Debbie.

[Big J Okerson]

That was Debbie. That was Deborah. Yes.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Craig. Where are you, Craig? Aren't you from PV Dog Palace? Verge?

[Craig Conant]

I live near there now. I'm from. I was born in Harbor City, raised in Torrance, Lomita, South Bay, harbor area.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So let's just break that down. Torrance, you've been there, it's nice. South to 605.

[Craig Conant]

405.

[Katherine Blandford]

There's no. There's only debutante there.

[Jamie Kennedy]

There's no Debbie. Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

There's no debutante.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And you're from Virginia.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, come on.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Jesus Christ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Virginia.

[Craig Conant]

Kentucky.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I said, craig, you're an idiot. You're a full Craig.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Very cheap.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Craig is the dumbest answer you could have put.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought it was a. It might have been a wild card shot.

[Craig Conant]

It was either Catherine or Jamie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Catherine votes for Jamie. Craig, who's your answer here? Yeah, Catherine, Strong answer.

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody's it Alex?

[Alex (Producer)]

Holy. You guys, story number three belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Katherine Blandford]

I. I feel. Because I knew you'd fight somebody, I.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Knew it was you.

[Katherine Blandford]

Hey, by the way, I bet you weren't even dating them. I bet the whole time she was like, I don't know who you are. You're like, shut the fuck up, bitch. You're my fault.

[Big J Okerson]

How could you treat me like this, dude?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Holy shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn you, Jay.

[Craig Conant]

Did you know I am bad at this game?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Oh, no, no, that's his rig. These guys have played this, so I never win. But you know what's crazy?

[Big J Okerson]

I'm like John C. Reilly and Talladega Knights.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Hold on. I want to. I want to apologize.

[Katherine Blandford]

You think I'd ever go to.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I'm really sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

I constantly. By the way, people will argue that we're in cahoots because I often. Certain ones like this, which I believe I said during this, I go, this isn't Louis at all. And then everyone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She started saying, louis. You were like, no, shut up, Catherine. You shut her down.

[Big J Okerson]

Stop making like that. I was like. I was like, I'll listen to what you have to say. And you were like, she's such a stupid. And I was like, dude, don't talk about our female friends like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So listen, it was a girl I was dating in high school. She was Ukrainian. And I guess in Ukrainian culture they have, like, fucking debutante things when you turn 16 or 17. I have no idea. All I know is she wasn't bringing my Puerto Rican ass to this debutante ball. So she was going with, like, another, like, Ukrainian, and I was so mad.

[Katherine Blandford]

She went with another Ukrainian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She went with a Ukrainian kid to this debutante ball?

[Big J Okerson]

That's why you've been funding Russia.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It all comes full circle, Vicky.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. You knew you'd have your chance to get suck on that Vic.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And that's where the anger started.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So, yeah, we went to a huge fight, and that was that.

[Katherine Blandford]

Did you win?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I beat the shit out of her. It was pretty sick. She had a weak chin.

[Big J Okerson]

She wasn't a good fighter at all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I put her through a fucking wall.

[Big J Okerson]

She seemed. She seemed prepared to fight, but Lewis just beat her like commando.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No more invites to any debutante balls after that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, say that again.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It was. You were banned from the ball.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, he was never going. Did you want to go to the ball?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want to go to the ball so bad.

[Katherine Blandford]

You did what? I didn't. What is a debutante?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I still don't know what it is. I think you know my story. And I don't know, I think it's like, I think when they turned 16. Right. Does anybody know? Are there any dirty Ukrainians here right now?

[Big J Okerson]

You don't know? From Virginia.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm from Kentucky first.

[Craig Conant]

It's like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kind of like that. Yeah, yeah.

[Jamie Kennedy]

That's a lie.

[Big J Okerson]

Waltzing Kentucky doesn't have debutante balls. They have those, like slave parties.

[Katherine Blandford]

Old south.

[Big J Okerson]

Antebellum parties.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes. Shut up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. Where are points at?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. I am losing in last place with zero points, Craig Conan.

[Craig Conant]

Come on.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, this game's a puppy.

[Craig Conant]

It's. It's hard to get them all wrong.

[Big J Okerson]

We did, we did discover yesterday it takes as much skill to win as it does to get zero. As much to get to perfect scores it is to get zero. So if you pull off zero, I'm winning. You'll be the first.

[Katherine Blandford]

Ah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fourth place with two points, Katherine Blandford.

[Craig Conant]

No.

[Katherine Blandford]

How am I losing? Second to last. More embarrassing.

[Alex (Producer)]

In third place with three points, Big J. Okerson. And tied for the lead with four points each, Louis J. Gomez. And Jamie Kennedy.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis jumped up there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's take a second to thank one of our new sponsors over here at Story wars, and that is Cash App, everybody. For all the parents out there with teenagers, we know you're already trying to keep a million different things under control. Cash App is here to help make sure your teens money and their spending isn't adding to that craziness. Louis, this is a position you're in my daughter's past the teen years now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. James about to be 13 years old, which this is literally perfume. It's for teens age 13 to 17. This is where they're learning to how to spend money, how to be responsible with money. Cash App makes managing money feel easier and just cooler. That's the reality. It has tools that can help teens develop real world financial habits in a space that's safe and easy to navigate, all with your oversight and approval. So if you got kids and you want to give them a little bit of responsibility, have them have manage their own money in a smart way. This is a great way to do that. There's no monthly fees, no requirements. There's no hidden charges when sending or receiving money. And with the Cash App card, you and your teens balances receive 24. 7 fraud monitoring. And if something ever feels off, you have the ability to lock their card right from your phone in just one tap. Skip the stress and give your teen a way to learn financial responsibility with no hidden fees. All you gotta do right now is download the Cash app and get started today. And for a limited time only, new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn additional cash. Just download the Cash app app and use the code Family10 in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you're gonna get a $10 deposit dropped right into your account. That's crazy. Terms apply, but that's free money. That's Cash App.

[Big J Okerson]

Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash Apps Bank Partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC direct deposit roundups, overdraft coverage and discounts provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. Brand visit. Cash App slash legal podcast for full disclosures. All right, let's get back into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where we at? Story number four.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number four. I had a roommate put his balls on my shoulder from behind.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And when Katherine.

[Big J Okerson]

And by roommate, she means uncle.

[Katherine Blandford]

He still made me pay rent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry, Alex.

[Alex (Producer)]

I had a roommate put his balls on my shoulder from behind, and when I turned to see what was on my shoulder, his penis kissed my cheek.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay, I just want to say, just based off of the word count. Jamie, that's a long sentence.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Jesus. God. Every time.

[Katherine Blandford]

Think about that.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Every time it's me, the penis is on my cheek.

[Big J Okerson]

Now, I was going to say Craig again, because I'm going to take him on both ends of the rainbow there. The first thing, I thought he was part of a debutante ball. So now maybe he's actually just kissing penises with his roommate.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, the. The penis kissed his cheek.

[Craig Conant]

No man would write penis kissed.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No man would write debutante ball. No offense.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wait, dude, that was masterful because you went, oh, ball. And that's when I counted you out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I play this game on a very high level. I'm extremely manipulative.

[Katherine Blandford]

That was great. As soon as you did that, I was like, oh, this idiot's dumb, and I counted you out. Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And he's faded.

[Katherine Blandford]

This is. No, he's just bald.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, the. The idea of a. A penis kissing your cheek is the most adorable image I've ever had in my entire life. I'm not gay, but I do want a penis to kiss me good night every night.

[Big J Okerson]

Just like a soft one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, just.

[Big J Okerson]

That's just laying on balls real soft. And just, like, it come. But it comes over. It wakes up to give you one, like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but it can't be. It can't be. After you jerk off a Little bit. Cuz you can get a little. The stream of calm.

[Big J Okerson]

Like.

[Craig Conant]

It'S called a wet. A wet kiss.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No, I don't want that. Then, then it would be gay.

[Craig Conant]

It's the wet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't want it to be gay.

[Craig Conant]

I mean, I think it was you then.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I'm getting Craig vibes. This is a fun story. It's a funny story. He's. He's playing dumb. I think he did. He did know what the theme was. I think that was a gag in the beginning. And yeah, I could just. I'm picturing a penis. I'm picturing a penis kissing his little cute cheek right now. And I just love it. I want it to be real. So I'm gonna vote for Craig.

[Craig Conant]

I got nice cheeks.

[Big J Okerson]

You have the most penis kissable cheeks.

[Craig Conant]

Come give me a wet one.

[Big J Okerson]

Huh?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah. But the thing is, you know, you put your dick on another man's shoulder in torrents, it's getting cut off. That's getting real.

[Big J Okerson]

You might pull back a stall.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah. But it is the softest part of the penis. So it's like a little hug for your cheek. Yeah, that's what I've heard.

[Big J Okerson]

A weird.

[Jamie Kennedy]

This could be a fake out again and Lewis could have fucking did it.

[Big J Okerson]

I know Catherine said earlier something about having to be third party perspective on her stories. And for that I'm gonna say this might be Catherine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think so? You think.

[Katherine Blandford]

You think I wouldn't know what a dick on my shoulder feels like?

[Big J Okerson]

You think Catherine on their shoulders?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think Catherine shared a story about being sexually assaulted on Story Wars?

[Big J Okerson]

All right, that's fair.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't think so.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, that's fair.

[Katherine Blandford]

Is that considered sexual assault?

[Big J Okerson]

You don't think so? Then it is you. And I'm right back, I'm like, oh.

[Katherine Blandford]

I have sexually assaulted then Kentucky in the house. I am finding out about myself tonight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, we're finding out Katherine's cool as shit.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Is that a small.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on, that's a fun Tuesday.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And after the show, super cool she.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Doesn'T start yapping her mouth.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And after this show, Katherine was surprisingly booked on every episode. When it went to Netflix, we changed.

[Katherine Blandford]

The show to Is that sexual assault?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Question mark.

[Big J Okerson]

Old dick shoulders. Old ball shoulders. Blandford.

[Katherine Blandford]

If it's not the I, it's not S.S. i don't. I don't. I want to say Craig, but I feel like I've heard all your stories and I don't know this one.

[Craig Conant]

I feel like it's Louis.

[Big J Okerson]

I like this. Don't even give an explanation. Just feel like it is. Feel it, then go with it.

[Craig Conant]

I can't.

[Big J Okerson]

It can't be back to back stories, by the way, just so you know. It can't be so.

[Jamie Kennedy]

What does that mean?

[Big J Okerson]

Can't be the same person back to back.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It can.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's happened plenty of times. They're all randomly organized or generated.

[Katherine Blandford]

Can you guys all like, hey, security.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kick this out right now. I misspoke. You don't laugh at me.

[Big J Okerson]

No, dude, that guy's wearing Pantera. That guy just waxed his balls behind him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He.

[Jamie Kennedy]

He has a Pantera share. Are you having ptsd?

[Big J Okerson]

And he's got the smooth. I bet he's got the smoothest balls in the room. That's what you listen to when you're shearing down.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, what are we thinking here, guys?

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay. I was going to say Jamie, but I feel like Jamie's never had a roommate. You look.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Oh, my God, I'm real. I'm a real.

[Katherine Blandford]

I don't know something about this shirt.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I'm a real privileged debutante to you.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. And look, you have little Taylor Swift bracelet on. So that's cute. Yeah, it's cute. I feel like you would never roommate. The three of you for sure have.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I had roommates with a child. I mean, I had a child and we also had roommates.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I current. I currently have roommates.

[Katherine Blandford]

You currently have roommates.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I wasn't. I wasn't born like a Kennedy. I'm not. That's my last name.

[Katherine Blandford]

But yeah, so I think that's.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I was.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were.

[Jamie Kennedy]

But I was. But I wasn't. I still, you know, not far from Big J.

[Katherine Blandford]

Can you turn your head like this for a second? Stop it. Why do you do it with your mouth open?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Is that your elbow? Is that your elbow?

[Katherine Blandford]

I can't. I think I'm gonna stop you again.

[Jamie Kennedy]

What? Stop it. See, here's the thing. This could be Craig or it could be Jay Jay's now. Well, Jay and Lewis both have proven their masterful acting skills, but Craig hasn't had one yet. But then it should be Catherine because she's. We could. Oh, for three with her.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but not just that. She's totally cool if you just put your dick on her mind. How awesome that is. Whose ever story this is, we take that home from this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we're all winners. Second, technically.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So at a party when it happens, she's like, finally.

[Katherine Blandford]

I go, do I get booked now?

[Jamie Kennedy]

I thought that was funnier.

[Katherine Blandford]

They don't get it.

[Craig Conant]

This game's hard.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Oh, that could be a giveaway right there.

[Craig Conant]

Hard going with it. My gut. I don't really know why, Louis, but I think it's you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is some fucking Latino and Latino crime right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, half Latin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

These white people are all eating it up right now. They love it, dude. They love us attacking each other. Look at this.

[Craig Conant]

I see.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I see what you did.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, they just found out Craig was Mexican 15 seconds ago.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah, it's got to be you.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know why Jamie wants what I went with. That's what I went with.

[Katherine Blandford]

Catherine, dude, I can't believe I'm go. I don't know. It just feel. It's so wordy. So I feel like.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, because I grew up in a country club.

[Big J Okerson]

So much time to write when nothing's wrong.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. All of her answers are in story number four. Whose story is this?

[Alex (Producer)]

Wow. Story number four belongs to Big J.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I knew that I really owe her an apology.

[Katherine Blandford]

You know what? I went. I went. Big J would have a roommate that would do that. You would live with somebody like that, you little scoundrel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was it Joe Derosa?

[Big J Okerson]

It was Joe Derosa.

[Craig Conant]

I love Joe. That's awesome.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I just.

[Big J Okerson]

Joe was my roommate. I moved him up from Philly to New York, and he lived with me for, like, a couple years, and with me and my ex and my daughter, and, well, they were gone for the day. And me and Joe Beh. And Joe, if you know, Joe Derosa is a big. Even though he's built like. Like ET with long legs. He'll be naked. He don't give a fuck. And he would come out of the shower. He's always. That guy would just flap his little wiener around you. And I was on the computer one time. We just had, like, a communal living room computer, and I was on it. He kept calling my name from behind me. And he's like, jay. And I'm like, what? And he's. He's like. And he just kept calling my name, waiting for me. He just wanted to turn around and show me that his dick was out, that he was, like, in a towel, like, naked. And I just wasn't turning around. I was just doing whatever I was doing. And he's like, dude. And I just keep hearing his voice get closer. And then finally I just hear him laughing hard. And I don't. I just feel just something on my shoulder, but I assume it's like, his hand or whatever. And he goes, dude, dude. And I was like, buddy, and when I turn around, his dick kissed me on the cheek and his fucking pre jizz pulled a string off mozzarella cheese. And I just went. I just screamed. And he apologized. It was such a frantic.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wait. Why was he. Why did he have prejudice?

[Jamie Kennedy]

He didn't.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. He was coming up. Maybe he whacked off in the shower.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, that could have been post.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Dude, he didn't catch corner, right?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Okay, good. It was awful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

By the way, Post. Post is above board. Pre is gay. Post is like, all right, dude, that's.

[Big J Okerson]

No, there was there. It was there. It happened to be there and my face hit it. I didn't make it happen. Okay.

[Katherine Blandford]

Do you think Joe kind of jizz a little bit when he giggles, though?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, I really believe he does.

[Craig Conant]

Big J, like E.T.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah, he finally got one in.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Did you hear what you just said? You're like, my face did it. It wasn't him. He was like, no, it's not his fault. It was me. I'm the problem. Jesus Christ.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, did you get I'm a very big.

[Big J Okerson]

His mentality. I asked for it. I should have just turned around and looked at his dick and it never would have come to that.

[Craig Conant]

You didn't swing on him, slap him, his pecker, something?

[Big J Okerson]

No, it was funny, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, all right, Hilarious.

[Big J Okerson]

Dare I say you have to be full white to understand this, but white guys take a lot of laughter. Now, just so you know, before you think Lewis is Hispanic, him and our friend Justin worked themselves up to full bone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I didn't do that. Justin worked the himself up to like 75% boner. I. I just was like, dude, stop.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wait, do what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

So we. We went on the road years ago.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't hear the whole story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it's fine.

[Big J Okerson]

Him and Justin whacked themselves off the half boners. And then we.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We went to. We went on the road. We were open for Big J. This is like 15 years ago. And we were like, this was this. This is where I was involved. Jay, when we get to the hotel room, he went to go take a shit. And Jay takes.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. In front of the lady.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, that's what you did.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone does.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We both were like, we're like, let's play a prank on Jay. Let's both get naked. And then when Jay comes out of the bathroom, we'll both be naked in the bed.

[Big J Okerson]

Haha. Hey, hilarious, man. Hey, look, we're naked. You care, right? You care that we're naked? That's great, Jay.

[Katherine Blandford]

Your little boys want to show you their pee pees.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They just want to show me.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So we got in bed and we got naked. And then Justin's like. Justin's like, no, dude. He was like, we should be. We should be hard. It'll be really funny. It'll be a funnier bit if we're hard. Which in retrospect, it would have been funnier if we were hard. Cause I fought him on it. I was like, dude, I'm not getting hard. He was like, nah, come on. I started jerking off. And I was like, dude, I'm not jerking off in bed with you right now.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think you realize that you were sexually assaulted in the room and you were pretty cool about it. Ah, you know, Jay, shit's for a long time. We got some time to fool around.

[Katherine Blandford]

Dude, do you get points for being sexually assaulted?

[Louis J. Gomez]

So Jay takes Jay. He's. He decides to really take his time. He takes a 20 minute long. So I'm just in bed forever, trying to like an inch jerk. He keeps on going down, and then he has to get it back up. And I'm like, dude, this is insane.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm cleaning up on Worldstar hip hop videos in the bathroom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So he.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know why, by the way. Every time you pan him, I look.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Down, he comes out of the bathroom. He comes out of the bathroom, we're naked in bed. He doesn't even look at us. And he just leaves the hotel room.

[Big J Okerson]

I went to go smoke.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He doesn't acknowledge us. He goes. He's grabbing cigarettes and leaves. The amount of time we spent naked in bed together for no payoff. The payoff is this.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Hold up. Were you guys making tents or were you out?

[Big J Okerson]

No, on top of. Top of the cup, dude.

[Katherine Blandford]

Your two dicks were hard and it didn't even catch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was softer than it's ever been.

[Big J Okerson]

Catherine, that's not true.

[Craig Conant]

Your buddy Justin, he's outside smoking. He's like, I just came for nothing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Craig Conant]

That was for you, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

That was the week we always said, that was the week we always. I tell a story. We were laying there and just. And goes, I did five gay things in my life. I'm going to tell you guys. And we were like, don't, because we're going to tell everybody. And he goes, nah, no, you're not. I'm going to tell you guys. And I went, don't. I will tell people. And if you remember, he didn't tell us. And I think that's always a good thing, because I don't think he wants people to know that he just did five gay things. And I tell everybody that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Imagine if we had more detail, you know, imagine that'd be the entire. We'd start another podcast based off that. Alex, where are our points at after four stories?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. Heading into halftime, in last place with zero points, Frank Conan.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Never had my opener. Never did that. That's what. Yeah, that's.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fourth place with two points, Katherine Blandford.

[Katherine Blandford]

I feel like I'm winning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You are winning, Kathryn. You can just have the book.

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm good. I heard what they do to women in that book.

[Big J Okerson]

Have you? Because I've heard that in London and Paris, two cities are linked by fate, love and a French revolution. A French nobleman and a dissolute English lawyer have become dangerously entwined. And they happen to have an uncanny physical resemblance, a detail that becomes a matter of life or death. Can this strange similarity be the key to saving a life? Or will it all lead to an even greater tragedy? Nothing about women. Nothing about women.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, continue with the points.

[Alex (Producer)]

Tied for second place with four points each, Louis J. Gomez and Jamie Kennedy. And now, in the lead with seven points, Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The audience is so with you.

[Jamie Kennedy]

They want you to win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at them. They love you. They love you, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what it is?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love you, dude.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I make feels.

[Big J Okerson]

I do so much. I make them laugh so much. And they just see me sad here every week. Watch the my friend break my heart with lying to my face over and over again, and I believe you every time. And they watch it happen. It's like a soap opera. They can't stop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It is still very early in the game. It is halfway. We're halfway through today's show. We're gonna do some quick plugs. Real quick. Jamie, what are you plugging, my friend?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Oh, you can go to Jamie Kane dot com. That's where you're gonna see all my tours. I got a pod called Hate to break it to you. And yeah, there we go.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell, yeah, Ms. Blandford.

[Katherine Blandford]

I'm on tour as well. Catherineford.com for tickets. And I got a new podcast out with Shane Torres.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, fun. I love Shane.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, it looks like you're a baby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She said he looks like our baby. If you know Shane Torres. Perfect.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, you guys did a good job.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Craig, Craig.

[Craig Conant]

Craig conant.com I'm always on tour. Catch me at a city I'm out there in these streets.

[Jamie Kennedy]

On these cheeks.

[Big J Okerson]

Big J. BigJay comedy.com for all my dates. Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it and they get it. Listen to the bonfire five days a week, faction talk, SiriusXM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, and also doing. I'm doing some live streaming now from home. So I did one, I did one last week for the first time and it was great. So I'll keep doing it if you guys keep wanting to watch it. Just me going through my algorithm on YouTube. It was fun. It was a lot of fun. And then of course, the flagship show over here, Guest Digital, the motherfucking Legion of Skanks. Og. Oh gee, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yay. Yeah, yeah. Come see me live on the road. The wrapping it up is the end of the year, the Bring 5 Friends Tour. This is it, guys. We're for the rest of the year, we're changing the name of the tour to the Bring 8 Friends tour, which is pretty sick. If you guys want to bring eight friends each, that would be pretty sweet. And yeah, go to louisofskanks.com grab tickets for any of the shows. I'm going all over the place. Check out all the other podcasts that I do, the rags and lead you to Skanks. I just filmed a special that's coming out in October on whatever platform we decide to put it on, probably YouTube. And I have a book, speaking of story wars, I have a book that I just finished. It's available in pre order right now on Amazon. It's called Knives and Spoons. Go to Amazon, grab it, get it in pre order. It's going to ship right before Christmas and I'm very proud of it. I think you guys will like it. And if you guys love the show, you should know that we do a pre release for every episode. Gas Digital.com comes out Monday nights. Before it goes anywhere else. There's a bunch of on Demand episodes that aren't available anywhere else. It's all uncensored, all ad free. Gasdigital.com use that promo code war to save a couple bucks a month. All right, let's get back to the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Well, Craig, I know this is your first time doing the show and you're probably feeling like you're asked out, but you're not my man. I will tell you this. You are actually only one good round away from being in the lead if not being back in this game. Because every time here for the second half of the show, the final Four stories. We go double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It is anybody's game. Craig. You're back then, baby.

[Craig Conant]

I'm back.

[Big J Okerson]

This is it now. Whereas I know you've done either of these things yet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every time. If you double the points that you.

[Katherine Blandford]

For me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't even mean to do it there.

[Big J Okerson]

It's totally cool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't actually say. I said double the points. I don't think that counts. Where's her?

[Big J Okerson]

Looks like it's Jesus.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't think double vot. I don't think. I think you have to say it.

[Big J Okerson]

I like it. It's a good loophole.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, go ahead.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, what's happening?

[Big J Okerson]

That's a fair question. That's pretty. If you don't know that's coming, that could be a lot to take in before where. If it's your story and you fool people that it's not, you would receive one point for everybody. You fool.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And two points for everybody that you guess correctly. When you're guessing now, that goes double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Katherine Blandford]

This is the hairiest cult I've ever witnessed in my entire life.

[Big J Okerson]

For sure.

[Katherine Blandford]

I mean, there are just rusty piercings on all of your faces.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely. They are metal nuts so much.

[Katherine Blandford]

But they are loyal and I love it. And I feel like if an apocalypse happened, you guys wouldn't be killed very quickly.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no. These guys. This is a lot of bunker. This is a bunker audience.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, this is bunker.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You want them on your side? You. You'll be their queen.

[Katherine Blandford]

I. Oh, please.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely.

[Jamie Kennedy]

This is the type of crowd that would, you know, jerk off the half boner if they were opening for you.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely. But they definitely have a year's supply of some kind of cereal somewhere.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex, story number five.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number five. I snuck into an Olympics opening ceremony disguised as a cleaner.

[Big J Okerson]

Jamie Kennedy, the only person with the means and situations to possibly even have that happen. I mean, that's crazy.

[Katherine Blandford]

I snuck in with my mom and my dad and my whole family with the queen.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Us Kennedys don't have to sneak. Wait, Craig, did you say you're half Mexican?

[Louis J. Gomez]

He already had the cleaning supplies on him.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And you're full Puerto Rican.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm half Puerto Rican.

[Jamie Kennedy]

All right, that's two half full.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And Lewis isn't cleaning anything.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, so hold on. The Olympics. Where have the Olympics been in America?

[Craig Conant]

Where are the balls in this story? There's no balls.

[Katherine Blandford]

You the one who didn't know is a balls theme?

[Big J Okerson]

It's a balls move. Yeah, it's a balls move. Ballsy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Move.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Olympic sports have.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Some of them do have balls. Balls.

[Craig Conant]

Not anymore. You know what I'm saying?

[Big J Okerson]

Hey.

[Craig Conant]

Caitlyn Jenner.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I can see Craig wearing like the uniform, you know, cleaner.

[Big J Okerson]

Good thing is energy. Says I need to get into the Olympics opening ceremony. He doesn't give a shit about that. You'd rather watch local dogs fight?

[Craig Conant]

I brought. I brought wire snippers to Coachella.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where.

[Craig Conant]

And they. They were cheap. I got them from the 99 Cent Store. They. The clippers dented on the fence. And then I just went, oh, and I just hopped it. Yeah, I was like, you fool.

[Big J Okerson]

Wasted a dollar.

[Craig Conant]

Wasted a dollar. Harbor Freight. Am I right?

[Big J Okerson]

Where have the Olympics been? Out here. Where The Olympics doesn't say summer or winter.

[Jamie Kennedy]

We have to know where they've been. So it's Atlanta. Atlanta.

[Katherine Blandford]

Well, they're older, so maybe China.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's Japan.

[Big J Okerson]

China does not make me feel good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I.

[Big J Okerson]

Nothing but nice.

[Katherine Blandford]

Hold on. But you could. You'd be a child then.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How old are you, Catherine?

[Katherine Blandford]

That's right. Exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

She goes, only two Olympics old.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

This many Olympics.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, I mean, I saw. I remember being in a little cradle watching Michael Phelps do his thing.

[Jamie Kennedy]

The last opening ceremony. They were disguised as a lot of things. Oh, sorry. Too much for the skanks. Okay, sorry, sorry. Delete that from the gas.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wait, I don't get it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

All right, well, you will. I can't help you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, who wants to go to the Olympics here? I mean, it's also just a fun story. So, like Craig, like, I wouldn't go to the Olympics, but if the Olympics. If I was there and I could just sneak in for like a fun story, I would do it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

But dude, is it summer? A lot of these Olympics are in foreign lands. No offense to a lot of people. It's a. It's. It takes a lot of money to get to.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. Wait, wait. Zurich is there. Hold on. Aren't the Winter Olympics. Aren't they. Every other one's in Utah, right?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yes, every other one is in Utah. It's.

[Big J Okerson]

It's great question.

[Katherine Blandford]

I was seeing who knew most about the Olympics.

[Big J Okerson]

I believe her. I think it's her watch. That was a tell.

[Katherine Blandford]

Who would speak in.

[Jamie Kennedy]

But is it summer?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going to start the voting.

[Big J Okerson]

I already voted.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Why you say me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going. Craig, first vote up.

[Big J Okerson]

Why do you think Craig wanted to get into the Olympics so bad?

[Katherine Blandford]

How many stories have you had, Lewis.

[Alex (Producer)]

That have been up there?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think just one today, right?

[Katherine Blandford]

You can have more Than one, obviously.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, you could have all of them, really.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Three, four. But usually it's just two at the most.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay.

[Craig Conant]

Tell who what? I'm just writing your name. Lewis. No, I got that. This, I got wits about.

[Big J Okerson]

This.

[Jamie Kennedy]

What? That's what I'm saying. Phone a friend. Can we phone a friend, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, how would we possibly know that?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Giving away.

[Big J Okerson]

What if somebody said it at least?

[Katherine Blandford]

Utah, you guys are.

[Craig Conant]

She'S. It's got to be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, we're, we're, you know, we're six stories in. We're an hour and ten minutes into the show now. You're like, you know what this is? This will call out a question show. Right? It's just. You thought that was the theme at this point in the show. Look, now security's coming over to tell you to shut the fuck up. We set the weakest security guard in the history of security guards. That's how little respect we have for women. We said the 112 pound AIDS patient of a security guard to go and shut you up. That's, that's how little you could do to threaten us physically.

[Katherine Blandford]

I bet she loved that so much. I genuinely do. I bet your members love it when you on them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they do.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, she, Lewis, like kicks a lot of people out and yells at everyone. They're like, give me more. I love it. That's why we have different meet and greets. I go outside, like, smoke a joy with everybody and they're like, louis, fight my cousin. And then Louis just like gets in a stance and starts fighting. I'm like, I'm gonna go to bed, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like, hang on. Dip my hands in glass. I'll be right back.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you pop in the green, he goes, you pop in the dress. Guys, I gotta go. There's a kumite two blocks over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

If they get you to fight their cousin, do they hit double the points?

[Big J Okerson]

What the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's brutal.

[Katherine Blandford]

I get, I get triple points. I got a standing boo.

[Big J Okerson]

It happened. Catherine.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't be mad at the audience.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's okay. You have to understand someone. In order, in order to, to trigger double points, you have to, you have to be a story warrior. You have to have won a game of story wars. So you guys can't actually trigger it. Can't trigger it until you win.

[Katherine Blandford]

Are you kidding me?

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, if, if, if one of you.

[Katherine Blandford]

Three wins, this is like, this is like hard metal D and D over here. You guys are making up the rules. This is with a fucking Denim vest cut off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So uncomfortable. It's only happened twice. It was you and Adam Ray.

[Big J Okerson]

Adam Ray and Adam Ray.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's so delightfully uncomfortable.

[Big J Okerson]

Adam Ray.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because they're all in on it. They all. They're like, oh, they love it. They love not cheering.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay, but you want to tell you.

[Big J Okerson]

He did a slow. He did a slow build. He's like. And you know that could be a little. And then. And you can see in the video, me and Lewis to are going, going like, don't do it. And he just goes. And he just lays it out there. The crowd does nothing. He's like. I mean, he was. I mean, he went big faced with it. He was so happy. And I was like, ooh. It doesn't work like that.

[Katherine Blandford]

Dude. The fact that they have memorized everyone that's won story wars is insane.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you, Roots.

[Craig Conant]

Some might say they deserve what, Double points. It doesn't work.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Wait, so we have to. We have to.

[Craig Conant]

I was hoping money, but.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So how do.

[Craig Conant]

No, but you let me die. I'm already losing zero points. Bro can throw me a bone.

[Big J Okerson]

What is zero points headed? So we should have seen your point. Seven. That plays square.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, guys, put your votes in. We're halfway through this story.

[Craig Conant]

It's got to be Catherine. She already has the outfit.

[Jamie Kennedy]

There's a secret code to summon the dp.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't mark me. Basically.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah, that was a good one. Look at. It's her. She's got the outfit.

[Katherine Blandford]

No, this is.

[Craig Conant]

That's a cleaner's outfit.

[Katherine Blandford]

I wouldn't wear this.

[Craig Conant]

This is the only one with jumps. We ain't got no rompers, dude. Yeah, you think we're getting full naked to wipe our ass? None of us. It's Catherine. She's the only one with the jumper. Romper jumper. What's the difference? What is it called?

[Katherine Blandford]

This is 400.

[Craig Conant]

I didn't speak the whole show. It all came out right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Better late than never. You see that about non verbal children a lot. They say just wait. When they're ready to speak, they'll say it all.

[Craig Conant]

It's not my fault. It was a vaccine.

[Big J Okerson]

He is like Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Craig. Craig's voting for Catherine. Final answer.

[Jamie Kennedy]

How many have. Who were the last two winners?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't. Don't play. Don't play that game. It's. They're all randomly generated. It's like trying to like, look at the. The roulette wheel and being like there was two blocks in a row. The next one's gonna be red.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It should be Craig.

[Big J Okerson]

But Jamie, I don't even know where the Olympics is.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No, because there's no Olympics in America.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, several Olympics in America.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Oh, I forgot Utah. It's coming here. But it didn't happen in the fucking future yet.

[Big J Okerson]

What did you find out? I was really good when I was young. If I was Richard Jewel.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Boy, these guys really just wait until they say the joke. Fuck us. Can I switch it?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Craig's voting for me. Craig is retarded.

[Big J Okerson]

You.

[Craig Conant]

Did I. Did I spell it right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

They spelled it right. Perfectly right.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Craig Conant]

Then why am I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a crazy. It's a crazy answer. I mean, I guess I would. I would do.

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, I don't want to do what you want to do because I would say I don't. I would know this about Lewis, but I've done this before, and it's Lewis. And then he winks at me like a. And I wear that for the rest of the night. Like, I'm angry outward.

[Craig Conant]

Why am I so nervous? I don't even want the book.

[Big J Okerson]

That's the magic of Story Wars.

[Craig Conant]

Oh, no, dude. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Craig, it doesn't matter.

[Craig Conant]

Yes, it does.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, it does. He does want the.

[Craig Conant]

I want Tale of Two Titties.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, he's never. By the way, he's never written anything other than Catherine, but he's erased it and written it in 17 different fonts. It was always Catherine, but he just chose to do it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it was always Catherine. Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

It was always Catherine Lanford.

[Craig Conant]

Yes. Yeah. I told you. She's wearing the uniform right now. I knew it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. Olympics. There's sports, there's balls in it. Okay, I don't have my balls. I just stretch. I. I got an internship working the Summer olympics in London, 2012. Not even mentioned. We worked for the cleaning company. It was Australian cleaning company. And we were like, we would, like, schedule the cleaners at different venues. And I really wanted to go to the opening ceremonies because I heard the Spice Girls were going to pop out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, in Europe, they have hot blonde girls as cleaners. That's crazy.

[Katherine Blandford]

No, no, no.

[Big J Okerson]

We're their Mexicans. You got to get out there to see the world.

[Katherine Blandford]

We. Oh, but I want to see the opening ceremonies. But that wasn't my venue. So my boss was like, the only way you can get in is if you pose as a sweeper. And so I put on the uniform and I had a sweeper and a. And a broom and thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But instead of pushing that big, like, puck thing down the ice dude.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, man. No, they wouldn't let me drive. I got so obsessed. What?

[Craig Conant]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought you talked about each other's joke.

[Katherine Blandford]

I thought you were talking about the Zimbabwe.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, this Zimbabwe. The Zimbabwe.

[Big J Okerson]

You sure?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What? The Olympics.

[Big J Okerson]

She went.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's okay. We're going to edit this whole section out of the podcast this past minute. We're going to just chop it, chip it up, put a pop. Put an ad right there. She forgot.

[Craig Conant]

She forgot one detail. It was. It was the special Olympus.

[Katherine Blandford]

I go where I know I can win.

[Craig Conant]

Okay.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So.

[Craig Conant]

Wait, so only rompers?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. So we can hide.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So the Olympics weren't in Utah.

[Big J Okerson]

So let me get this straight.

[Katherine Blandford]

That was a good. That was a good twist. Okay, long story short, I kind of got obsessed with the cleaning and I. I missed the ceremonies. And then they were like, get in here. You got to come to our VIP section. It's very full. And. And I was with my friend and we kind of got shuffled in this, like, big crowd of people in the VIP section. And I ran into a man in a wheelchair. And my friend was like, do you know who you just bumped into? And I was like, no. And she was like, that's Stephen Hawking. And I didn't know.

[Big J Okerson]

Recognize that situation. I was in an elevator with Paul Abdul once. Didn't realize it until afterwards.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, I didn't.

[Big J Okerson]

Stephen Hawking, I would notice in any east. He's steering us thing with his face.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, but didn't create a force field. Did not create a force field. Or maybe turned it off for me. I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, after five stories, where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right, everybody, I have a three way tie for third place with four points each between Louis J. Gomez, Craig Conant and Jamie Kennedy in second place with seven points. Big J Okerson.

[Katherine Blandford]

Do I get any points from.

[Alex (Producer)]

And now in the lead with eight points, Katherine Blandford.

[Katherine Blandford]

What the fuck up?

[Craig Conant]

How'd she win?

[Jamie Kennedy]

How.

[Big J Okerson]

But you know what's great? It's. You don't even know why you're an elite. It's like when you. You're treating like you just did a scratch off ticket, they go. You're like, did I win? They go, 10 bucks you.

[Katherine Blandford]

Hey.

[Big J Okerson]

You took the lead.

[Katherine Blandford]

I just tripled the points. I thought they were gonna start moaning. Can we add bowls? Wait, can you guys do it and just see what they. What it sounds like? Because they'll. They'll respond to you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Triple the points. If everyone starts moaning sexually. You do that. Why not? That's fine, guys.

[Big J Okerson]

If anyone, if anybody wins ever says triple points, you have to moan. Everyone, triple points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's how you sound sexually.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, it's funny, by the way, it's because our crowd doesn't know they've never moaned sexually. It's like asked him to speak Mandarin for the first time. Guys speak Mandarin, moan like sex. Other things you're not familiar with.

[Craig Conant]

It sounded like they were taking a shit.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fuck.

[Craig Conant]

Eat some falcon.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn it. Get laid you losers. That was insane. All right, story warriors. Let's take a quick moment away from all this fun gameplay and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. I created this company specifically for me. My testosterone was low. I wanted to naturally boost them without putting a needle into my ass. I started researching supplements that worked. It's packed with incredible adaptogens and nootropics that support testosterone naturally, support brain function naturally and just overall are really, really good for you. It's five ingredients, third party tested and it genuinely works.

[Big J Okerson]

I've been dipping my wiener in it. We'll see.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's got a brown wiener now, which is pretty sick.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you guys. Look, look, whether you guys have low testosterone or not, you want to make sure you have hormonal balance. You want sure you're thinking sharper and feeling better. If you want to just increase your virility, your energy, your brain function, you want to just be smarter, sharper overall. It has so many different things. Ashwagandha, lion's mane, Tonga, Ali, lthenine, all packed into some amazing premium freeze dried Colombian coffee. Comes right to your door in 30 day supplies. Just go to bodybraincoffee.com right now. Use the promo code WAR25 for 25 off today worth 25. 25 off. It's the best deal you can get on Body Brain Coffee. So support this company. It supports everything we do. Thank you guys very much. Bodybringcoffee.com all right, where were we? All right, Alex, story number six.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number six. At age seven, I crashed in an elderly family member's car at the bank. When they left me alone with it running.

[Katherine Blandford]

Nothing to do with balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's the first scene of Ricky Bobby.

[Big J Okerson]

Is it really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Shake and Bake.

[Big J Okerson]

Shake and Bake is Jamie. This could.

[Katherine Blandford]

I was thinking yes. Because his family goes to the bank a lot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that is true.

[Craig Conant]

He's the Kennedy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You gotta find these clues. At 8, 7, I crashed the my family's Rolls Royce. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Elderly.

[Craig Conant]

Who says elderly besides a Kennedy. You know what I mean?

[Big J Okerson]

I told Lamar Our driver to get out.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was going to say, I told.

[Big J Okerson]

Him to get his black ass out of our limousine. I've got it from here.

[Craig Conant]

Grabbing my mink coat.

[Jamie Kennedy]

And I'm like. I'm like, only $100.

[Katherine Blandford]

You would say el. I thought it might be your story, but you would never say el. Elderly.

[Craig Conant]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Why? Because they respect their elderly in the community.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Had a story in yet?

[Craig Conant]

We say old.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, Craig's not a historian yet, Right?

[Katherine Blandford]

No, you're right. And you would do that?

[Craig Conant]

Yeah, allegedly.

[Jamie Kennedy]

What time, bro, did you start taking the drugs?

[Craig Conant]

12.

[Jamie Kennedy]

12.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kennedy]

All right, so this is five prior.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. But he's addicted to adrenaline.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

He loves firecrackers and shit.

[Big J Okerson]

You try to rob the bank?

[Jamie Kennedy]

How do you know that?

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody knows.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Oh, okay.

[Craig Conant]

It's my brand. Firecrackers and drugs, baby.

[Katherine Blandford]

Look at it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Age 7, I crashed an elderly family member's car at the bank. This is a lot of backstory.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now I'm thinking it's Jamie.

[Big J Okerson]

The way you read it like that, that was good acting. At age 7, I cried.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No, we were. I was too busy in Nantucket. You guys not know geography?

[Katherine Blandford]

Jesus.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Jesus Christ.

[Big J Okerson]

There was a guy from Nantucket.

[Katherine Blandford]

Jamie was banquet.

[Big J Okerson]

His dick wasn't that big. He made me suck it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna vote for Craig. I feel like at one point we got to get a Craig storyteller. The only reason that I'm voting for him right now. Well, no, no, Jamie. Well, no, you can't change it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No, I. That was my last one. I didn't. I didn't take it down. Oh, you guys saw that, right? Please have my back.

[Big J Okerson]

Fair.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fair. I got very serious. You saw that.

[Big J Okerson]

Whoa, stop the tape. Put that back.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Putting a little cute.

[Big J Okerson]

I. I think. Who's Janie voting for?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I might make a decision for.

[Katherine Blandford]

Hey, question. Can you vote for yourself?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Katherine Blandford]

God, this seems like a Craig story, but you wouldn't talk like that.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

It seems weird that you asked that weird question just now before you voted.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's acting.

[Katherine Blandford]

And I feel like you've never.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I haven't heard a story of any of that.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't see Catherine now that she just said that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, she asked if she could roll for herself. Yeah. I mean, I guess that is a pretty big context clue. Catherine.

[Katherine Blandford]

What? No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is this you?

[Craig Conant]

I vote for Catherine.

[Katherine Blandford]

We're not driving cars to banks when I was growing up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How do you get to the bank?

[Katherine Blandford]

We're not going to the bank.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you were In Kentucky. Was it one of those, like. Like, booze bus things where you guys all have to pedal to get to the bank?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes. We don't. We're not going to the bank for. We're not going to the bank.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, the excuse being we didn't take a car to the bank.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

You're just trying to find something that deflected away from you. Everybody took the car to the bank.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you don't.

[Katherine Blandford]

You don't know me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is so Catherine. God damn it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, well, can we.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, we can't change it.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I think it's Craig. I think it's Craig because he's a wild man.

[Craig Conant]

It's Catherine.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So you just deflected off yourself?

[Katherine Blandford]

No, it's fucking Jamie, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Why do you think, at age 7, I crashed an elderly family member's car when they would not give me all my traveler's checks?

[Jamie Kennedy]

What the fuck? I didn't grow up in fucking London. I'm from the streets of Malibu, you know what I'm saying? This shit's gangster.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's hard.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hard.

[Jamie Kennedy]

She's still okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Katherine Blandford]

Right.

[Jamie Kennedy]

This is not an easy game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So Catherine's voted for Jamie almost everywhere.

[Jamie Kennedy]

This is. Are you on Facebook?

[Louis J. Gomez]

She always thinks it's Jamie. Every time.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, he's your Lewis.

[Katherine Blandford]

Well, I think it's. Cuz, I feel like you've never had to. Like, you've never actually gotten in trouble where you've had to lie to the police for anything. You know what I mean? You just call your lawyer.

[Jamie Kennedy]

My dad's not Lloyd Bridges. I wasn't, like, born in Hollywood. I don't.

[Katherine Blandford]

I don't know. I just. Look at you.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Is this. I look like I'm selling fucking rum in the Keys? What are you talking about? Does this scream posh Coughlin?

[Craig Conant]

Small dude buying coke in the key? Let's be real here.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Some was having a memory.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. All of our answers are in story number six.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number six belongs to crack. Conan.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah, she. I didn't do it.

[Katherine Blandford]

You changed it to elderly.

[Craig Conant]

I wrote, I crashed my nana's car. They wrote it different. I don't talk like that. No. Yeah, I'd go to get it. Yeah. No, I. I would go to church with Nana and she was crazy white lady and she. She kissed the priest on the mouth and in front of everybody, she buried two husbands and a son kind of lady. And she took me to the bank and liked in the 70s, Dodge Dart, like a steel car, you know?

[Katherine Blandford]

What?

[Craig Conant]

I mean, and she went in there and she left it with the engine running. And I was always high on Kool Aid. Tropical Punch, you know, the red. The red mouth, you know. And I got behind the wheel and I was playing with stuff, and then I tried to hit the brake. I hit the gas. I crashed over a little curb into a brick wall. Took out a little tree. And then everyone surrounded me because I'm seven, you know, and then I. I just get scared. And it was a bench seat, and I'm glad I was smart enough. I just scooted over to the passenger side and I just waited for my nana. And then she came, she got in, she said, don't tell anybody about this. And then we took off.

[Big J Okerson]

That's cool.

[Craig Conant]

She's a fucking gangster, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a cool nana.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Craig Conant]

But I had stories about balls, you know, I guess it takes balls, but I had real balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, I mean, that there's. There's not a ball to be seen in that story, Greg.

[Craig Conant]

Balls.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But you know what? It was a great story, so we'll.

[Big J Okerson]

Great story. What, what are our scores looking like?

[Katherine Blandford]

All right.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fifth place with seven points, Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just like that. I mean, you go from second to last place.

[Big J Okerson]

Just like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a brutal game here.

[Alex (Producer)]

And we have an unprecedented turn of events here.

[Katherine Blandford]

What?

[Alex (Producer)]

We have a four way tie for first place.

[Craig Conant]

Wow.

[Alex (Producer)]

Eight points.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, so I'm making four. Fourth place, but I'm in fifth place. But I'm in second place. Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now it's. It's more like we all rule together and you're on a loser island.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I'm unique. You guys are all followers. Fighters.

[Alex (Producer)]

Louis J. Gomez, Craig Conant, Katherine Blandford and Jamie Kennedy all in the lead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa.

[Katherine Blandford]

We get to rip pages at.

[Big J Okerson]

They're all in the lead with help. With me. Hold on. I want points. Wow.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I want to call my accountant. Can I buy your points?

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, God. Smart.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Jay, you're only down one point. This is almost a five way tie, which is great.

[Big J Okerson]

Anybody could be going home with. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dixon. Set during the French Revolution, a tale two cities follows the French aristocrat Charles Darnay and the English lawyer Sidney Carton, two men who both love Lucy Minette. When Darnay is sentenced to die by the guillotine, Carton enacts a desperate and selfless rescue, proving that even in war torn France, love and sacrifice can triumph over hate.

[Katherine Blandford]

Let's see if they know this book. You going from first place to Last place kind of feels like for you, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

[Big J Okerson]

Could you open that book and read the first line? I'm aware. I know, but my point is, I was afraid of the question because I thought you were gonna know anything more about this book than just I would know. And you just said the only thing that 100% of everybody knows. I thought you're gonna ask something about page 73 or something. I have no, I've never read this book.

[Craig Conant]

Down with Bloody Big Head.

[Big J Okerson]

Was that in it? No.

[Craig Conant]

Oh, it's from Alex.

[Big J Okerson]

How about. Oh, is this. They're only Noodles, Michael. Oh, that was the law school, alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number seven.

[Big J Okerson]

80S.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number seven. I once did an impression of a powerful celebrity to his face.

[Katherine Blandford]

Every time it's Jamie, Jamie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, that hat.

[Big J Okerson]

In full makeup on a show where you did this exact thing.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No, I played characters.

[Big J Okerson]

That's true.

[Jamie Kennedy]

But everybody's a comedian. Why do I always get blamed.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wait, does anybody. Do you guys do impressions?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, we've never met powerful celebrities.

[Craig Conant]

You could have waxed your head and made fun of Joe Rogan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't be an asshole. We're in the Rogan sphere now. So how about you? Yeah, have a little fucking respect for.

[Big J Okerson]

Our friends who are a little bit fresh. We're a little fresh in the sphere. Well, just be careful because, you know, they're always watching in the sphere.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You could be in the sphere one minute and out of the sphere just like that. So you gotta be careful.

[Big J Okerson]

That reminds me, I'll be taking my testosterone tomorrow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like. It's like the Truman Show.

[Craig Conant]

You're right. I love Oregon.

[Big J Okerson]

Me, elk hunting. 3:00am Got it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What if that was a Rogan right there? Secret spot right there.

[Big J Okerson]

They're making fun of it. They're not taking it seriously. The sphere? Yeah. No, right on stage in front of people. It seems like they put it out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

149. They don't respect you, Joe.

[Big J Okerson]

Four nine. Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

An impression of pirate celebrity. No, I can't do very many impressions. I can do. I do the best. I do a great Trump.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a powerful celebrity.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's true. Right to his face. Wonderful Trump. I do a great, great Trump.

[Katherine Blandford]

They're not letting you close to Trump.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, they're not.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, what's your best impression?

[Big J Okerson]

None of the impressions that I hear. My Lewis is pretty dope. My Josh. Adam Myers. I just need these people to get through Josh, Adam. Come on. You know, I could do Josh. You just gotta Talk like this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's. What do you.

[Craig Conant]

That was spot on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No, I mean, I can't. I can't do impressions at all. Jay can't do impressions. Can you, Craig?

[Craig Conant]

Barely.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Barely.

[Craig Conant]

Like the Cookie Monster.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a powerful celebrity. He's the monster of all the cookies.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah. I'm not very good at it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Catherine, I feel like you probably do a great impression of somebody.

[Katherine Blandford]

I know. I can't.

[Big J Okerson]

None.

[Katherine Blandford]

I can't even. No, the only thing I do is Britney Spears stubbed her toe in the bathtub. Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That'S pretty good.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's it.

[Big J Okerson]

She's a powerful celebrity, and now that she has her money back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, well, we're just wasting time before we all write Jamie.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Why is it all right? No, because you could be hiding that. There's a lot of comics that have. I know his act.

[Katherine Blandford]

How did.

[Jamie Kennedy]

He does more impressions than he's saying. But I also know that you guys. I know that you do a couple, even though you don't. You don't. Jamie, I've seen you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jamie sneakily. Jamie sneakily.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They all know that I do no impressions. They. I mean, they will tell you right now.

[Big J Okerson]

So few impressions. One of his impressions is of himself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Hey.

[Big J Okerson]

Doing the voice that we.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, I'm Lewis. Hey, what's going on, everyone?

[Big J Okerson]

I do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do a pretty good.

[Craig Conant]

L. You're really good at.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do a pretty. I do a pretty sick. Lewis.

[Craig Conant]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

Did you. Would you say you are powerful celebrity?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What you say?

[Katherine Blandford]

Would you say you're a powerful celebrity?

[Big J Okerson]

He would. This might be Lewis. You just blew my mind. We've been smoking weed up here. Now I'm thinking this is like. Lewis. Like I'm like I'm looking in a mirror. This is what I would say. I'll do it right to your face.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah. But if you meet people, you might want to.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, I can do Leanne. Laura. You remind me of one of my babies. Laura. Oh, Skank fest isn't big fans of Leanne Morgan? No way. That's pretty good.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought you meant Leanne Kreisler.

[Craig Conant]

I did, too. I was like, yeah, I love Bert.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who the is Leanne Morgan?

[Katherine Blandford]

Are you serious?

[Big J Okerson]

Brett Butler, Right?

[Katherine Blandford]

Huh?

[Jamie Kennedy]

She's got that. She got a I don't know if you sitcom. I didn't write it yet. Boy, that.

[Katherine Blandford]

That's crazy.

[Jamie Kennedy]

The crowd took that joke off Jamie Kennedy.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is my answer. It's the only answer.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's obvious because it doesn't mean.

[Big J Okerson]

But that could be Louis.

[Jamie Kennedy]

I Did characters.

[Big J Okerson]

That could be Lewis going early.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jamie. Characters are impressed. It's impressions. It's the same.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Nice.

[Katherine Blandford]

I bet you. Jamie, this whole time.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Jamie, tell me you've been profiling me. All right, this is a little.

[Big J Okerson]

I just blame her a lot because she has pointed the finger your way a lot of times.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes. It's got to pay off at some point.

[Big J Okerson]

It does. It's a numbers game.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wait, why are you deflecting so hard, Big J?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. Because you. Because you have to write every name in bubble letters, and it takes you 10 minutes. So I'm doing. I'm vamping so you can do your calligraphy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So you keep on picking your nose and writing bubble letters. We're all seeing it.

[Big J Okerson]

You're allergic to something. You're having a real issue.

[Craig Conant]

Oh, my God.

[Big J Okerson]

For the last three stories, I'm not.

[Katherine Blandford]

Really sure how to spell JB after all this time. Yeah, you spelled it wrong.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You've only spelled it every time you spelled it.

[Craig Conant]

Oh, yeah, that's wrong.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then Jay started. Jay started spelling it the way that Craig spelled it. Then I watched it happen. I was like, you guys are idiots. And I spelled it right.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Oh, I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That all just happened in my head just now.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Now he makes me Mexican. I'm not Jaime.

[Big J Okerson]

Who?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Jesus Christ, bro.

[Big J Okerson]

I. I did to homage high, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

See happen.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Lewis.

[Craig Conant]

Lewis. There's a multiple ways to spell it. I'm sorry, man.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Go run your grandmother's car into a bfa.

[Craig Conant]

It was a home savings of America.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Thank you, Lois. See, this is really too much.

[Katherine Blandford]

Dude. I put Jamie, but I feel like it's Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wish it was.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You can switch Al.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, is the. I did. Oppression of a powerful celebrity? Is it because does that take big balls, or does the celebrity have huge balls?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, fuck. You're right. It was Craig the whole goddamn time.

[Alex (Producer)]

Alex, Fat sack story number seven belongs to Jamie Kennedy.

[Jamie Kennedy]

You had it once you put the word impression.

[Big J Okerson]

You're used to doing shows with other celebrities.

[Jamie Kennedy]

We're all God's creatures. Okay, let's see if this. You guys will go with this? Okay. So coming out from Philly, I worked at a Red Lobster, and I had nothing going on. Came out when I was 19, long story. Got transferred and recommended to a Red Lobster. The one on Ventura Boulevard is no longer there. This is late 80s. I was a host. And every day, different people would come in. And one Sunday, Arsenio hall comes in. Okay. Right. You guys should fucking know that. And it was the height. This was 89. Okay. So he would come in and, you know, I would get to seat him. So I would just seat him and put him in the booth. Couple, two, three times. But I was from Philly, and I really thought I had the keys to make it, so I wanted to impress him.

[Big J Okerson]

So he.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Remember how he would be. He would start the show and he'd be. I mean, hope you like this. But he'd be, like, in the air for me. Give it up. Remember that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That.

[Craig Conant]

I think that's coming to America.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah. It bled over to the show. So he did it with, like, music acts and actresses and stuff. So I'm at red lobster. I'm 19. He would come in, he always had a beautiful woman, and he would take.

[Big J Okerson]

Different beautiful women to Red Lobster.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, I know. I was like, whoa, you know. Yo, give it up, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

A fisherman's platter, bro.

[Jamie Kennedy]

This is where they had bottomless shrimp. Bottomless shrimp and those fucking cheddar bays. So what do you mean, if it wasn't him?

[Katherine Blandford]

Red Lobster at the height.

[Craig Conant]

Cheese biscuits.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Are you telling my.

[Craig Conant]

Come on.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Are you doubting that it was Arsenio?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, I'm profiling you right now.

[Jamie Kennedy]

So long story boring is I was walking him to his table, and I thought I said, arsenio, you're always so hype when you bring people out. I go, do you do that with, like, important figures? And he's like, what do you mean? And I said, like, what if you were like. And now for a man who's saving souls all over the world, give it up for the man in the funny little hat, Bishop Desmond Tutu. That's pretty much his reaction, but less it was. He was like, nah, I wouldn't do that. And then he went to the booth. This wasn't even.

[Big J Okerson]

Give you, like, a friendly chuckle?

[Jamie Kennedy]

No, no, he went right to the booth. And I haven't told him that story. And I've been on a few shows with him, so I would still like to be booked with him. But I didn't even do stand up yet. I was just doing background. So I had no idea.

[Big J Okerson]

Idea. And you already had an impression plan for him?

[Jamie Kennedy]

Well, I thought, this is gonna. He's gonna love this, dude. This guy's doing me. We're at Red Lobster. He's gonna invite me to sit in the booth. We're doing this.

[Big J Okerson]

This is a ball story for sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. What type of would do an impression to somebody right to their face?

[Big J Okerson]

You're not a powerful celebrity.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Powerful. I'm powerful. You heard Catherine before she Said I was powerful.

[Big J Okerson]

She called you mighty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She did. Where are our points at, Alex?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right, in the last place with eight points, Jamie Kennedy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Points.

[Craig Conant]

I'm winning.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fourth place with 11 points, Big J. Okerson. And tied for the lead with 12 points each, Louis J. Gomez, Craig Conan, and Katherine Blandford.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, truly. Anybody's game.

[Big J Okerson]

Still at down to the wire. Anybody's game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Final story. Alex, Story number eight.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number eight. I threw firecrackers at police officers on horses on the fourth of July.

[Craig Conant]

Allegedly.

[Katherine Blandford]

Craig, you picked your most famous story.

[Craig Conant]

I didn't read the text. I'm sorry. I sent like nine stories. Two of them were about my ball sack, and they chose neither of them. Have your producer read the whole story.

[Big J Okerson]

We're gonna have.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're gonna have a tie here.

[Big J Okerson]

A three way tie for first place.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's fine.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Can we get another one?

[Big J Okerson]

But that means we have to go into an overtime.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's go through it. Okay, let's go through the motions first.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I guess we'll go through the motions.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here we go. All right, we all vote. Thanks, Craig.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Wait, does he. Do you lose a point?

[Big J Okerson]

Do me a favor. Make this dramatic, please, Alex. All the answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

This story belongs to. Drum roll.

[Big J Okerson]

Craig Conan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Craig Conant]

I'm sorry, I didn't read the text, guys. There was some obscure ball sack stories in there, though, and they chose. I did. I just was like, I got juicy stories, so which one you want? I sent them like nine of them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Craig Conant]

And they chose my claim to fame. This is my first viral video. It's a true story. I think I was. I was smuggling fireworks from out of state and selling them because I didn't really have a job. And. And then it was 4th of July and I was Hermosa Beach. I'm walking on the strand with my sister and her homegirls, and I light a pack of firecrackers and I threw them down. And I failed to notice a posse of sheriffs on horses in front of me. And then they. Yeah, they went. You know what I mean? And I ran and they got me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They got you.

[Craig Conant]

I have four charges. Possession of explosive devices, detonation of explosive devices, assault on a police officer, and assault on a horse officer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Assault on a horse officer?

[Craig Conant]

Yeah, they call him horse officer. That's what I said. My whole punchline is, who made him a cop?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know?

[Craig Conant]

Dude, I'm not even kidding. The fine on the horse was more expensive than the police. Human officer, and then PETA, because it was animals. They. They sent Me, death threats all through horses. Like, Mongolian death. Roll them in, carpet stomp them in horses, drag them by horses, everything. And it just. I. It's in my.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But it's horse spread.

[Big J Okerson]

We drawn in court.

[Craig Conant]

We made three local newspapers and my mom cry. And there's more. There's so much more. Yeah, but I. Yeah, I did it. And it feels weird because, like, I tell the story on stage, but, yeah, it helped get me sober and off cocaine and alcohol and then the Stand up and. Yeah, I'll be back. No, Yeah, I didn't. I didn't even see him. But, yeah, that's wild.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. Hell, yeah, dude. Alex, give us our final scores right now. We're gonna have to be going to overtime. I think we already know that, but where are we at?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. Tied for fourth place with 12 points each, Craig Conant and Jamie Kennedy. In third place with 15 points, Big J. Okerson. And tied for the lead with 16 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Katherine Blandford.

[Katherine Blandford]

Neither one of us reads. Wow, Catherine, I can't believe this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. We're so connected right now. This is wild.

[Katherine Blandford]

This is terrifying. Do read.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What'd you say?

[Katherine Blandford]

Do you read?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I read or do I read? The answer is no to both.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So we're gonna go into overtime right now. Over time, it's a little bit different. It's just gonna be me versus you. Catherine, what they're gonna do is they're gonna pull up one story. It's gonna be one of these three people. It's not gonna be either one of our stories. All right? What we're gonna do right now is, like, Jeopardy. Rules. You are going to wager an amount of your points.

[Katherine Blandford]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right? You gotta write on the back. It's gonna be a secret. You're not gonna tell me. You're not gonna tell anybody else. That'll be revealed at the end. So you write that on the back of your board.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The amount of points, and then they're gonna give the the last story. So, Alex, you can pull up your final Jeopardy.

[Big J Okerson]

Subject is balls.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Bing.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right, our final story. I dropped a bag of cement on my left testicle, causing it to swell up and get a hematoma.

[Big J Okerson]

And it's not Catherine or Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I say it again. I dropped the bag of cement on.

[Alex (Producer)]

My left testicle, and it caused it to swell up and get a hematoma.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gentlemen, can I feel all of your balls real quick?

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, real quick.

[Big J Okerson]

You remember mine?

[Craig Conant]

I'll put it on your shoulder.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Craig Conant]

Kiss, kiss.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, I don't have a left nut, by the way. Mine are front and back.

[Craig Conant]

That's true. Well, you gotta twist.

[Katherine Blandford]

You got lips.

[Big J Okerson]

Mine go north, south, left, right?

[Craig Conant]

Yeah. Ball lips.

[Katherine Blandford]

I feel like I think I know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who I want my answer to be.

[Katherine Blandford]

I just.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Don't. Look at me. I've never worked a hard day in my life.

[Big J Okerson]

He couldn't be bothered with concrete around his testicles.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I don't. I don't think that Jamie's lifting concrete bags.

[Big J Okerson]

Craig, pick that up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think Big J, also not really working hard. Manual labor.

[Big J Okerson]

Literally worked with concrete, specifically.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. And I feel like you would know that word. I don't know if Craig would say that big of a word.

[Craig Conant]

Debutante.

[Big J Okerson]

Nope. He's good. Checks out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A hematopoe when you're ball. Is that even possible?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah.

[Katherine Blandford]

What's a hematoma?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's, like, where, you know when you get, like, a bruise and it blows up like a. Oh, I thought that.

[Katherine Blandford]

Meant girlfriend in your world. I got a hematoma, by the way. Wait, so what is it? It's a big.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like.

[Jamie Kennedy]

It's like if you get blue balls but purple, you don't want it. Right.

[Big J Okerson]

If your nuts would, they blow up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is it blood? Is it a blood.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Yeah, blood balls. Big blood balls. Yeah, it's a. Just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Catherine, it's blood balls.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Blood balls.

[Big J Okerson]

If you can picture.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, okay. All right. I didn't know people were calling me a bag of cement now.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know how. I don't know how you can drop a bag of cement, a full bag of cement, and have it just hit your left nut. The accuracy of that shot is Tom Brady esque.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My. My final vote is for Craig. Wait, hold on. Did you put Your wager? All 16 points? You already told it. It's okay.

[Katherine Blandford]

How are you supposed to put how many points?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you're supposed to put it on the back and reveal later on how many points you've wagered.

[Katherine Blandford]

Well, they can't see.

[Big J Okerson]

They're looking at it right now.

[Katherine Blandford]

Oh, sorry. I have a hematoma.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So essentially, right now, if we're both right, right? Because I'll tell you that I wagered six points.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If we're both right, you win. If we're both wrong, I win.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Beautiful, Alex.

[Katherine Blandford]

Yeah. I feel like that wasn't right math, huh?

[Craig Conant]

Yeah, what he said was right.

[Katherine Blandford]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Alex, who does the final story we belong to?

[Alex (Producer)]

The final story belongs to Craig Conant.

[Jamie Kennedy]

No.

[Katherine Blandford]

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not a woman.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Not a woman.

[Craig Conant]

Get rid of the book. Get rid of the book.

[Katherine Blandford]

Give me the fucking book.

[Craig Conant]

Say it.

[Katherine Blandford]

Can a bitch get behind. Oh, well, well, well. Motherfuckers. Sit down. I haven't said it yet.

[Craig Conant]

Say it.

[Big J Okerson]

Say it.

[Katherine Blandford]

I've had to take a dump this whole show, and I'm gonna go back there. And while I'm peeing, I'm gonna think about all you motherfuckers who had to rise when I said double points.

[Jamie Kennedy]

Motherfucker.

[Katherine Blandford]

I gotta leave. I can't see you after that.

[Big J Okerson]

A big round of applause for your newest story warrior, Katherine Blandford. A big round of applause for our entire panel, the great Jamie Kennedy Craig Conant. It's been awesome. Thank you guys, so much, Comedy Store, for having us out here and for letting us do story. We'll be back again here real soon, and we'll catch you next time on Story Wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Good night.

[Big J Okerson]

Good night. Yeah.