057. Josh Wolf, Pete Lee, & Valerie Vaughn | Art

Summary

Story Warz Ep. 057: “Art” – Josh Wolf, Pete Lee & Valerie Vaughn

Live from The Stand, NYC – September 5, 2025
Host Panel: Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Valerie Vaughn, Pete Lee, Josh Wolf
Theme: ART

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Episode Overview

This raucous live episode of Story Warz brings together comedians Josh Wolf, Pete Lee, and Valerie Vaughn for a gut-busting round of deceptive storytelling—all themed around “Art.” Big Jay Okerson and Luis J. Gomez helm the show with their signature banter and crowd work, setting the tone for a night of wild stories, misdirection, and friendly roast battles. As always, each panelist tries to bluff the others, hoping to rack up points and win an (absurdly) cherished prize book from the Story Warz library.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Show Format Refresher & Introductions

• After some opening venue banter and plugs, Jay and Luis explain the game: Each panellist submits 3-5 true stories about “Art.” Stories are picked at random and read aloud; everyone tries to guess which guest wrote it, with points awarded for guessing correctly or fooling others.
• The prize: a romance novel from the Story Warz library (jokingly signed and tossed out).

Notable:

• “We’re not playing for fun, Jay. Let them know what we’re playing for today.” – Luis (11:00)
• “If you find our discarded Story Warz library books in a New York dumpster, it’s a real treasure.” – Jay (3:49)

2. Meet the Panelists

• Valerie Vaughn: Only returning panelist tonight. Good-natured ribbing about fame, Instagram, and “swaddling” BBQ merch.
• Pete Lee: “Tall, Dark & Pleasant” and self-described “feminine man.”
• Josh Wolf: First-timer, podcast host, and a “grandfather nine times over”—much to the panel’s shock and comic disbelief.

Memorable Crowdwork:

• “You’re the hottest grandfather I’ve ever seen.” – Luis to Josh (8:33)
• “My oldest son’s pull-out game is terrible…” – Josh (8:36)
• “No, he knows he’s stiff.” – Jay to Luis about his son witnessing the show’s wildness (5:41)

3. Story Highlights & Comedic Exchanges

Story 1: Clogging the Toilet at the Museum of Natural History (13:06)

• Panel riffs on public bathrooms, binge eating, and the Zen of a post-binge “cleanse.”
• Josh Wolf confesses: It was his story. “There were a lot of kids in the bathroom…a kid in the stall next to me put his little hand under and said, ‘I’m so proud of you.’” (20:13)

Story 2: Farting in Front of a Crush in High School (21:15)

• The wordplay “You can’t spell fart without art” leads most to finger Pete Lee, favored for corny puns.
• Luis reveals: It was his story—a tale of a tragically memorable fart during a board game with his crush. (27:39)
• “I play the game at a high level.” – Luis, justifying his deception (27:35)

Story 3: Breaking and Repairing Art in a Hotel Room (31:18)

• Nearly unanimous: “That’s 100% Pete Lee”—the panel agrees only he would fix a random hotel print.
• “I ordered glass and touch up paint on Amazon. I replaced the glass…there’s no way the maid will notice!” – Pete (36:19)

Story 4: Winning Many Awards for Drawing/Painting (39:43)

• Everyone suspects Big Jay (“He is a good drawer!”), but it’s another Gomez curveball.
• Luis lists his artistic achievements: “First grade fire prevention award, second grade fire prevention award, Shoprite Easter coloring contest…” (47:03)

Story 5: Haunted Art from an Antique Store (54:23)

• Group psychoanalyzes who “believes in ghosts,” finally finger Valerie after back-and-forth denials.
• “My house was so haunted until I got rid of that thing… I kept hearing ‘terracotta eyes’ at night.” – Valerie (63:16)

Story 6: Visiting the Same Art Museum 100x, Only Entered Once (66:21)

• Jay finally gets his turn: frequenting the Rocky statue outside the Philadelphia Museum of Art, never going in. (72:16)

Story 7: Finger-Fucking a Dude’s Belly Button at a Music Festival (77:54)

• After wild speculation, the psychedelic, tactile tale goes to Josh Wolf.
• “He shook his belly at me and said ‘How many knuckles deep can you go in my belly button?’” – Josh (84:00)

Story 8: Worried About Being Eskimo Brothers with Arty Fuqua (89:55)

• NYC comedy lore emerges. Pete Lee owns the story.
• “Every hot girl I’ve ever hooked up with in New York is friends with him on Instagram.” – Pete

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Game Dynamics, Banter & Running Gags

• Roast Style: The room is relentlessly supportive and debasing—insults about age, BBQ swag, flatulence, and romantic misadventures abound.
• Jay & Luis Spar: Both are masters at misdirection, frequently feigning or inflating obviousness to psych out the competition.
• “Val, your son is here!” – running joke whenever the conversation gets overtly sexual or inappropriate.
• Points Drama: Halfway through, double points are triggered, giving hope to stragglers (especially Pete Lee, who’s trailing most of the show).
• Recurring riff: Whether anyone can match, or wants to win, the coveted Story Warz romance novel.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ timestamps)

• “I clogged the toilet at the Museum of Natural History ... because I took a dinosaur-sized shit.” – Josh (13:22, 14:27)
• “You’re the hottest grandfather I’ve ever seen.” – Luis to Josh (8:33)
• “No woman is ever sharing this story. No hot chick is clogging a public toilet story.” – Luis (16:15)
• “If I fart in front of my crush, I’d remember that forever. I would.” – Pete (21:39)
• “Full body cleanse.” – Valerie (15:07)
• “I once bought a piece of art from an antique store and it haunted my house ... I heard a man talking to me every night until I burned sage.” – Valerie (54:23)
• “How many knuckles deep can you go in my belly button?” – Josh retelling the festival story (84:00)
• “I finger-fucked some dude’s belly button at a music festival.” – Josh (77:54)
• “Every hot girl I’ve ever hooked up with in New York is friends with [Arty Fuqua] on Instagram.” – Pete (89:55)
• “I've been to the same art museum over 100 times, but I've only gone inside once.” – Jay, about the Philly art museum/Rocky steps (66:21)
• “Story Warz is a lot of fun...but we're not playing for fun!” – Luis (10:59)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• [05:22] Valerie's intro, panelist rundown
• [10:54] Game rules and scoring explained
• [13:06] Story #1: Museum Toilet Disaster (Josh Wolf)
• [21:15] Story #2: Crush Fart (Luis J. Gomez)
• [31:18] Story #3: Hotel Art Fixer (Pete Lee)
• [39:43] Story #4: Drawing Awards (Luis J. Gomez)
• [54:23] Story #5: Haunted Art (Valerie Vaughn)
• [66:21] Story #6: 100x Art Museum Visit (Big Jay Okerson)
• [77:54] Story #7: Festival Belly Button (Josh Wolf)
• [89:55] Story #8: Arty Fuqua Eskimo Brothers (Pete Lee)
• [108:05] Final scores and show wrap-up

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Final Standings & Winner

Josh Wolf triumphs with 24 points, becoming the new “Story Warrior.” His comic timing, crowd connection, and absurd real-life stories win over peers and audience alike.

• Last place: Valerie Vaughn
• Runner up: Luis J. Gomez
• Pete Lee and Big Jay follow close behind.

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Tone & Style

• Language: Explicit, unfiltered, and deeply irreverent, packed with comic exaggeration and misdirection
• Vibe: Roasting but affectionate; a mix of confession, old-school ball-busting, and surreal honesty
• Atmosphere: Live, loud, and unpredictable—Story Warz at its wild, competitive best

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Takeaway:
This episode of Story Warz is less about “art” than it is about the fine art of storytelling, self-humiliation, and hijinks. Every comic brings their A-game, bending “Art” to their will—from public toilet mayhem to haunted paintings, museum rituals, and belly button adventures—while blasting each other with gags and genuine warmth. If you want to laugh, cringe, and witness the festival of comic egos, this one’s not to be missed.

Transcript

[A]

Skank Fest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now.

[B]

There's only individual day passes left.

[A]

All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[C]

Hey Story Warriors Merch is available right [e-mail] we've got a whole bunch like the double points, the logo and so much more.

[B]

And until the end of the month, one lucky fan is going to get two free all access VIP passes to Skank Fest New Orleans. So if you've purchased anything in the past or anything during the month of September, you are automatically entered. That could be from Story Wars, Legion of Skanks regs or the Gas Digital Merch page. You will get an entry into the contest. Plus, we're going to be doing a special VIP meet and greet at Skank Fest for fans who show up in merch. Get yours [e-mail] that's Story wars with a Z merch.com what's going on story Warriors? If you love Story wars and you.

[A]

Want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[C]

But be a piece of just get your tickets and come. It's fun.

[A]

Buck face New York Comedy Club.com before.

[B]

We start today's show, let's thank Yo Kratom for being a longtime supporter of all things here at Gas Sigil and all things comedy, all things Gang Fest. Just an absolute great company that supports great comedy.

[C]

Home of the 60 kilo, which has never changed in all the years they've been with us. A 60 kilo of high quality lab tested directly delivered to your door. Kratom. How can you beat that deal? And as things change, that never does. You'll get that $60 kilo today, tomorrow.

[B]

And we're not telling you to go start using Kratom.

[A]

That would be stupid.

[B]

Don't use Kratom recreationally if you're benefiting from Kratom. And Kratom is helping you in your life because there are a lot of amazing benefits. That's who we're talking to. People that use Kratom recreationally are gross.

[A]

I will tell you right now.

[B]

But look, if you're using it in place of, you know, being hooked on, you know, opiates or heroin or painkillers.

[A]

It'S helped out a lot of people.

[B]

That I personally know, and that's who.

[A]

We'Re talking to right now.

[B]

So if you're already getting Kratom, why not get it at the best price possible from the best place possible? Yokradom.com all right, let's start the show.

[D]

Fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story wars warriors, Big J Okerson.

[D]

And Lewis J. Comus.

[E]

Hey, what's going on?

[C]

Welcome to Story Wars. Make some fucking noise in here, would you, please? New York City.

[A]

Thank you. We're back in New York, right here at the New York Comedy Club, our home. Which, by the way, I will say the management and the owners of the New York Comedy Club, very sorry about our Story wars library bookshelf. They came back and they were like, what can we do to make this right? Call your fans off right now. We were just kidding, but our fans have been saying terrible things about the management and how they feel about children with cancer. Did we make that joke?

[C]

Maybe.

[A]

Maybe.

[C]

It's possible. But, I mean, all of our books, though, still. Well, whatever. I'm going to get over it.

[A]

You got to get over it.

[C]

Just a whole bunch of books that everybody signed from all the shows.

[A]

Well, it's invaluable. Just right now, somewhere out there in a New York City dumpster is all of these books. So if you find them, it's a real treasure of your Story wars fan.

[C]

Yeah. Is this a how to fix your own air conditioning book? Signed by Tim Dillon, Chris distephen Hill, and Dan Soder. Holy shit. We always like to ask the crowd sold that or not. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[A]

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars? Come on. Yeah, just three. Three guys in the back. It's all good, man. All right, listen, sorry you haven't heard of us, but now you are about to be in for a treat because this is gonna be the most fun you've ever had in your goddamn life. Am I right, people? Am I right, people?

[C]

Al, those three guys do seem like more of a legion of skanks bunch, but you know, they'll cross over. They'll cross over. We should get our fucking panel out here. It's a fantastic panel. You're not familiar with the Game. We'll explain it after we get our panel up here. We have a great one. Our first contestant and guest. You know, from our podcast, get in the Car. And of course, from Kill Tony. How about it for the glorious Valerie Vaughn? Everybody, make some noise. Valerie Vaughn. Valerie Vaughn. Valerie Barnes.

[A]

Val, very happy to have you back on Story Wars. You're the only panelist tonight returning. Are you happy to be back here?

[F]

I'm so happy to be back.

[A]

Very good, very good. Your competition is very, very stiff. We're all stiff now that you showed up.

[C]

Louis, your son's here.

[A]

Sorry, James. You got it. You're gonna learn the truth one day. This is a hot woman.

[C]

No, he knows he's stiff.

[A]

From his special tall, dark, and pleasant on YouTube. On tour right now, the always hilarious Pete Lee.

[D]

Hi, guys. How are you?

[C]

What's up, buddy?

[D]

Hi, Valerie. I. I'm not your friend on Instagram, but I've pinched and zoomed and.

[C]

Hey, Pete, Lewis's son is here.

[D]

Oh, I've. Oh, yeah. You've never heard that?

[C]

No, he just feels.

[D]

Imagine being Lewis's son. Yeah, I'm not even gonna say a sentence after that. Just, like, let your mind wander.

[C]

Our third final contestant, he has a podcast called hey man, and his campfire special is out right now. Make some noise. For the first time on Story Awards, the hilarious Josh Wolf.

[A]

How are you?

[E]

Hello. Hello.

[C]

All right, I'm just gonna start saying it to all the comedians I see now, Lewis, you're included in this one, too. Just pay for your own barbecue, and no one has to represent this Terry Black's place this hard.

[E]

It's so good.

[C]

Every comedian is just.

[A]

I'm wearing Bub City barbecue right now.

[C]

Why are all these comedians swaddling places that give you free meat?

[A]

Well, this is the thing. They give you free meat, but then these assholes also hand you free merch as you walk out the door, and.

[E]

It'S pretty solid merch, and they send you free meat.

[C]

Really?

[E]

Yeah, dude, I got. I got a. Like, a brisket and ribs and sausage, and I'll wear the fucking hat. I'll tell you something, it's weird is that I could afford meat, but there's something about free meat.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

That makes it taste way better.

[A]

Val loves free meat.

[F]

I love free anything.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I say whenever I suck someone off in a glory hole. I go, well, it was free meat.

[A]

What?

[C]

Am I going to walk away from that?

[A]

J. My son is here.

[C]

Oh, James. The glory hole is a hole in a bathroom. Where one man will put his penis in for another gayer man. To.

[D]

To.

[E]

I guess that is a little gayer than just sticking your dick through the hole.

[D]

For sure.

[C]

If you're just going in the glory holes to put your wiener in the hole. Whatever, man. You don't know what's on that other side. But you know what you're getting on the other side of it in your beautiful, beautiful mouth.

[A]

Free meat.

[C]

Free meat.

[A]

Free meat. Look, I'm excited. I found out tonight, before we even got in here, that Josh is a grandfather eight times over.

[E]

Nine.

[A]

Nine times over.

[D]

Yeah. Nine.

[A]

That's insane.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

My oldest.

[A]

You're the hottest grandfather I've ever seen.

[E]

My oldest grandkid is older than him. My oldest son's pull out game is terrible. Has not quite figured out anal either, apparently. And so, yeah, I got a lot of. I got a lot of grandkids.

[C]

But how you started having kids crazy.

[E]

Young, you know, my. Yeah, yeah. And how old? Well, when I had my son, I had met a woman. She had two kids already. And so then after we broke up, I have all three kids still.

[C]

No.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

What did she do? But, but I'm just saying, you got to tell us. You got to up pretty big.

[E]

I have so. And I have a 13 year old grandkid.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Without a mustache.

[A]

A. Wow. I feel like he was taking a. A shot at your mustache, James.

[E]

No, no. I told him outside how it was great.

[A]

It's almost what you say to my son about his mouth outside.

[E]

I said it's almost as hairy as.

[A]

Your dad is wrong with you.

[C]

You start doing grandpa things to him, like pulling a quarter out from his.

[E]

Ear, keeping some Werther's in my pockets.

[C]

You know, back in the day, you can call a dame abroad.

[E]

Yeah. I'm going to take you downtown.

[D]

See?

[A]

Well, look, we. We actually, I didn't explain to Pete and Josh the rules before the show, so we should explain it to them very clearly. Jay.

[C]

Story wars is such an easy game. So much easier than we make it sound. Yeah. But everybody, are you going to write down today or not?

[A]

Thank you very much. Good. You got it.

[D]

I love your tablecloths, by the way.

[C]

Thanks, Pete.

[D]

Yeah, you know you're getting big when you're like, getting tablecloths.

[C]

It does feel out of our success range, I will admit, but it is pretty nice. Story War is very simple. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject. Tonight's subject, Louis Art. Ooh. Eight of Those stories have we picked at random. And Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read them off one at a time on the screen right here. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows it's your story. So it's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story, you want to deflect. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

And every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.

[B]

So if it's your story, you can.

[A]

Get up to four points that round. Once you write the person's name on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand, that's it. That's your final answer. You can't change it, baby boy. And I'll tell you right now, story wars is a lot of fun. We all. We're gonna have a lot of fun. You boys in the back, you're gonna have fun tonight. But. But we're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[C]

Well, I hope somebody here wins this book, because they'll throw it out here, we'll sign it. Might as well just chuck it at a bum. But if you do, go home with the book, today's we always play for a book from the story Awards library. Tonight's book, and tonight's winner takes home. All because of youf by N. Thompson. All because of youf begins with Lennon Sommer. Returning to her hometown of Pine Creek after years away. She takes a new job to rebuild her life, only to discover her boss is Hayes Crawford, her brother's best friend and the man she secretly loved as a teenager. Hayes is now a single father devoted to his young daughter. And their unexpected reunion stirs feelings they both thought were gone. Paul. But close to you, Eddie Thompson Hayes.

[A]

Is now a single father devoted to his younger. Is this the Josh Wolf story? Didn't we just hear him say yes?

[C]

This guy just collects all the neighborhood kids and calls them his.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

He just dates girls and collects their kids. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, I'm leaving. I'm taking your kids with me. What? We dated for four months. I know, but they love me more.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war? Come on. Are you ready for war?

[C]

Yeah. Then, without any further ado, Alex. Story number one.

[G]

Story number one. I clogged the toilet at the Museum of Natural History.

[C]

Valerie.

[F]

I knew you were gonna say that.

[C]

No, it was just panty liners. And shit though.

[A]

I clogged the toilet at the Museum of Natural History after looking at Valerie's only fans.

[C]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

I did.

[C]

I clogged. I clogged the toilets of Museum of Natural History because I took a dinosaur sized.

[A]

Hell yeah, dude, brontosaurus.

[E]

Have you ever clogged a toilet before?

[F]

I'm sure I have. Yeah.

[A]

With toilet. You don't know.

[C]

You just walk away. You just walk off on it. You don't look bad.

[E]

How do you not look bad?

[A]

Dude, I go through these binges. I just did this. I went through a binge month. That's why I'm wearing a sweatshirt in August. And I get that lifestyle £30 in a month easily. Just. I filmed the special. I'm just, just killing myself. So it's been three days. I'm back. Yeah. So. But here's what happens is for. It's a psychological thing. As soon as I'm done with the binge, like the day I decide I'm done, the next day I take the fattest shit ever. And I'm talking about like coming out of the toilet. Like it. Once it breaches the water and it's like, it's got like.

[C]

I'll tell you what, this isn't bothering me in your description. It's this.

[D]

Like there's topography like the din of a football field, you know?

[E]

Wait, it came out of the water and back in?

[A]

Yeah, like iceberg right ahead. It looked.

[E]

Yes, it looked like Nessie coming out of there.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Crazy world.

[A]

So I'm saying we. I've had stories like this ever. At the Museum of Natural History. I don't know, but.

[C]

Oh, do you know you like to binge and then go take in some natural history?

[A]

Yeah, maybe.

[C]

It's probably one of those shits.

[E]

But do you not while you're binging?

[A]

I do. It's a. It's a weird. It's. Dude, it's like a mind body connection, dude. I don't want to make it spiritual, but like something happens. As soon as I stop binging for a full month, I just. My body releases it all at once.

[C]

That's very Zen if you understand that.

[F]

Full body cleanse.

[A]

Kind of like a cleanse. Thank you, Val.

[D]

I'm going to call you like a Dave Matthews bus. That was a good one. Oh my God.

[C]

I don't know why I think this much like me. I feel like. Pete, you're probably not a public.

[D]

No. But I would leave it like. It's installation art.

[C]

Oh yeah. No. If I clog a Toilet at a museum. I'm walking on that.

[E]

You're anti public pooping.

[C]

It would have to be a real emergency. And I'm telling you that emergency wouldn't pop up upon plans to go into a museum.

[E]

But I would say that clogging a toilet is an emergency.

[A]

I would also say that Museum of Natural History, if I had to guess, probably a pretty sweet place to take a shit.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. Feels clean.

[A]

It's gonna be clean. Museums. That's a fucking nice shit spot. Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

It's also natural.

[E]

It's like marble fl. Yeah, that's true.

[F]

There's also probably nobody in the bathroom either at a museum.

[D]

No.

[A]

Yeah, they're too busy looking at arts, like doors.

[C]

I'm just like fucking nerd sex.

[E]

That's right.

[C]

A glory hole, perhaps.

[A]

Possibly. All right, here's the thing. I know it's not Val. No woman is ever sharing this story. No hot chicken.

[C]

I don't know about that. I don't know about that.

[A]

Nope. Not. There's no reason the game's not important enough.

[C]

But when a girl clogs a toilet, though, I always picture because they're little butts that it's clogged with, like a bouquet of little thin shits. Like a. You ever see when a Cartoon puts like 80 cigars in their mouth? It's like that death by a thousand cigars each individually one would have gone down fine, but they fucking. They all hit at the same time.

[A]

All right, I'm gonna get the voting going. Everyone accuses me of voting last. I'm gonna start first. Right now, my vote is Pete Lee. Pete is a New Yorker. Josh is not a New Yorker. I know you come to New York a lot, but I just. I'm playing.

[C]

Well, maybe you come to New York and see place Jay doesn't take public shits.

[A]

Val's not telling this story. Josh isn't from here. The only woman we got left is Pete Lee, and that's my vote. I'm good at this game and I've been pretty.

[C]

Here's how good I am at this game. I know Lewis's whole little to do dad right there means it's fucking him. I don't know why I'm thinking Lewis sold tickets and milled around the fucking city and probably had to shit at a lot of places. And he probably binged and then fucking dumped. Classic Lewis.

[A]

Don't you dare, Val.

[F]

I feel like you were.

[A]

You see me as a fucking. You see me as a shit clog.

[F]

I feel like you Deflected way too hard that whole time. Okay, well, you're talking too much the whole time.

[A]

Well, you idiot. You just gave up points.

[D]

No offense, Val, but I think this makes you even hotter. I really do. I really do. It just. No. You were never an object to me, and now you're really a human and.

[C]

Really human.

[A]

Is that what you said?

[D]

You're really a human? But I just. The detail for me is Lewis Museum.

[C]

You guys, definitely not. Not very cultured, for sure.

[E]

I, I. Pete, I'm going. You just. Because you look like every dude I've ever seen come out of a public bathroom stall.

[C]

He's usually a snappier dresser.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. But I mean, this is kind of like who's coming out, you know?

[D]

So, I mean, I do carry wipes with me everywhere.

[E]

Do you?

[D]

Yeah, I do.

[C]

Do you. Did you go to the Back to the Beginning concert?

[D]

Yeah, I went to Birmingham. I got to meet Ozzy. It was great.

[C]

This guy will take a public. It may have been Pete. I may have up with Louis.

[A]

Alex, all of our answers are in story number one. Whose story is this?

[G]

Story number one belongs to Josh Wolf.

[A]

So the Wolf. The Wolfinator.

[E]

I, I was in the, I was in the museum and I had, I was holding it as, you know, when you're like doing Kegels, just walking around trying to hold in your.

[D]

Right.

[C]

Oh, no, I meant just, I do Kegels at home.

[E]

Well, I was Kegeling up in the museum and.

[A]

You know, you know, you're, you're asshole. It's letting it go and bringing it in. Letting it go. It's like finally, it just.

[C]

When you do this.

[A]

Over your little brother's faith with spit.

[E]

That's right.

[A]

That's what you're asking.

[E]

You're touching cotton, basically.

[C]

And you know the wipe is now going to take forever because it's really mushing it into your butt. To your butthole.

[D]

I didn't like you doing this.

[C]

Yeah. This would be the motion of your, of your poops.

[E]

Yeah. I like you in two fingers, though.

[D]

That's.

[C]

I like that you're a guy, dude. I mean, that's gonna be. That's about a poop. You lay out poops like this.

[E]

You lady boy. No, well, that's the thing.

[C]

It's.

[E]

What made this memorable wasn't a clogging in the toilet, because I've clogged probably too many. But there was a lot of. There were a lot of kids in. There was like a field trip and shit. So there were kids in the Bathroom. And there was a kid in the stall next to me, and he must. He could have. He could hear how bad it was.

[C]

Going.

[E]

And he put his little hand under this, and he goes, I'm so proud of you.

[D]

Oh, my gosh.

[F]

So sweet.

[E]

And I was like, oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

So it just made it weird.

[D]

I've.

[E]

I've clogged.

[D]

Did he give you some M and M's? Like a potty?

[E]

I got the fuck out of there.

[D]

Dude, I love that you're doing ass Kegels. And then you did, like, ass Lamaze. I thought that was funny.

[C]

Are you okay there, Mr. Alex?

[A]

We. I mean, it was a clean sweep on story number one, so I already know the answers, but give us an official breakdown of our points on the second scoreboard.

[G]

All alone with four points, Josh Wolf.

[C]

It's a hell of a debut.

[D]

Will you deduct a point from my ass Lamaze bomb? I thought it was a good line, but the people have spoken.

[A]

Alex. Story number two.

[G]

Story number two. In high school, I farted in front of my crush. You can't spell fart without art.

[C]

Now. I want this to be Val again.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

God damn it.

[E]

I only know that because dudes fart in front of everybody, so it wouldn't be, like, remarkable to remember for me.

[C]

If I fart in front of my crush, I'd remember that forever. I would.

[E]

I fart. Really?

[A]

Yeah. Fat guys can't fart in front of their crush. Is mortifying. That's your suicidal.

[C]

You can't go give hugs after sports. So many things you can't do.

[A]

No, no, no.

[D]

All right.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's like. You're like. You're a grandpa and you're fucking handsome and fucking in shape. That's like a young, handsome dude thing. You fart in front of girls, they go, oh, you're so fucking Josh. Josh is also the name of a guy who farts in front of girls.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, Josh, Josh, Josh.

[C]

Come on, Come on. I have to. I have to suck that in a few seconds. I have to put my face down there constantly for you.

[A]

No, no. We're not farting in front of women. We still pretend we don't shit.

[C]

Oh, dude, I'd shit.

[E]

You just said you shit. Loch Ness monster out of the fucking.

[A]

There's no women here that want to have sex with me.

[C]

If there were, I wouldn't shit in front of them.

[A]

Yeah, well, anyway, this is. This is ridiculous. This is not art. This shouldn't count. This should disqualified story.

[C]

I thought it was you at first. Louis, you love wordplay.

[A]

I do love wordplay. This would be. This would be. I mean, is this above board? Technically, yes, it is above board.

[C]

And I'll tell you what I think. I think when I think about again. I know I don't know Pete very, very well, but I think we share a lot of the same.

[D]

We have sang 80s songs.

[C]

That is true. That was a fun night. Apka. Upstate New York somewhere. It was beautiful.

[D]

We didn't touch dicks, but we.

[C]

It was close enough.

[D]

We sang Wham.

[C]

I feel kindred spirits would be enough to feel like this would also. It's not me. So I feel like this would resonate with you also that you farted in front of your crush. Yeah, I think I would stick with you a little bit.

[D]

I'm a pretty feminine man. I don't know. Maybe this could be me. Wait, this isn't what we're supposed to be doing, right? We're not supposed to be arguing for you.

[C]

It's one tactic.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, yeah. We. I didn't say this to you guys before. Don't vote for yourself if it's you. Even if. Oh, yeah, the last vote.

[D]

Yeah, I won't do that. Wait, wait.

[A]

The reason I think that this could be Pete is because there's also a cute joke at the end and pizza jokey. How many times you been on the Tonight Show, Pete?

[D]

Nine.

[A]

Nine times, dude. Same amount of grandchildren you have, Josh.

[C]

That's crazy.

[E]

I agree with you. That's the joke at the end.

[C]

I feel like when Pete text this. What Alex took out was this emoji at the end of it.

[D]

I love that emoji. You know I do.

[F]

That's exactly what happened.

[D]

Val, if you farted in front of me, would it be like, in front of your crusher? That's a clip.

[F]

I think it was definitely you.

[D]

Yeah. Well, okay.

[A]

Val, have you ever farted in front of a man?

[F]

Yes, I have.

[A]

Without them paying.

[F]

I'm. I'm definitely like, you know, I'm more.

[C]

Queef gal.

[F]

Yeah, more definitely. Yeah. I'm more of a queef gal and a burp girl.

[A]

You're burps?

[F]

I have the loudest burps you've ever heard.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, my God, you're so gross.

[F]

I spent an hour straight burping last night. Like, that is where all.

[C]

One straight hour burping.

[F]

Yes. All of my gas comes out of.

[A]

My mouth, but I can see. I. In a weird way, I can see this kind of being Val as well. Like, that you're somebody said in the beginning that's a big deal for, like, a girl to fart in front of their crush. Yeah, it's like a huge fucking. To the point where they would make it a story on a show like storyword.

[E]

I still think you can't spell fart without art. Had to come from Pete Lee.

[C]

Like, there's no.

[E]

There's no way that's coming from either one of you. 2.0percent chance.

[C]

I'm telling you, this is in Lewis's wheelhouse too.

[A]

Have I ever submitted a story like this in the history of story wars? A joke within the story?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

There's the first time forever.

[C]

Well, you're really good at the games. Maybe you're switching up your phone.

[A]

Maybe it's a new strategy. Maybe it's a new strateg. You're right.

[C]

You know what? I'm going to go with my old strategy and just say Louis again for every single.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Now I'm thinking it might be Big J. Why would you vote for me? You know it's not me.

[C]

No, I don't.

[A]

All right, I'm going Pete Lee again. I think the joke gave it away.

[C]

Pete Lee.

[D]

Thanks, Bub City.

[A]

Pete Lee.

[E]

Pete.

[D]

I'm going Val. Sorry. Oh, wait. Whatever.

[C]

I don't even. Stop winking at me. I don't even know what it means in this scenario.

[A]

Alex. All of our answers are in.

[G]

Story number two belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[F]

What the fuck.

[D]

Bubs?

[A]

He had me.

[F]

Ah, that was good.

[A]

Being the resident story warrior, I am constantly experimenting with new techniques to become the supreme story.

[C]

Is this your tiger style?

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[D]

When you said it was me because of the joke, I was like, you're on. Are these accusations baseless?

[C]

He threw it. He threw a. A fun. A fun quirky joke at the end to throw it your direction.

[A]

I did. I did.

[C]

And then just flat out shut down. This should be disqualified. As. As a story.

[A]

I did say that. I said it should be disqualified. I mean, I'm. I play the game at a high level.

[C]

What do you're an unscrupulous piece of this was.

[A]

There's not much more to the story. Me and two girls and my buddy John Hickey were playing a board game. Some. Whatever. I don't remember what game was. It was a hilarious board game. All I know is we were just having a grand old fart.

[C]

Your crush.

[A]

We were playing Crush Fart.

[C]

You go.

[A]

Crush fart 25th anniversary edition. No, but we were just. We were having such a grand time we're all cackling and laughing and high fiving. I was connecting with this girl for the first time. Dude, something happened.

[C]

I also love after school cartoons.

[A]

I leaned back, like, literally laughing so hard, both my legs were in the air. I just went. I mean, it cut through the fucking group. Like, literally everyone backed up. They moved.

[C]

That's nice. They should have held swords up, like, and let people walk.

[A]

Then everyone. Everyone paused. And then everyone, all three of them started just laughing at me. Yeah, like, the fun of the game was gone, but it was all, like. They were just laughing at me. And I never. That girl, a.

[F]

She never talked to you after that?

[A]

Never talked to me again after that.

[F]

Aw.

[D]

That's how many women you fucked. You're like, I didn't fuck that one.

[A]

Yep. That one was not my son's mother.

[C]

That woman went on to be Ellen DeGeneres.

[A]

Alex, where are points after two stories?

[G]

All right. On the scoreboard, in third place, with two points, Big J Okerson. In second place, with three points, Louis J. Gomez. And in the lead with four points, Josh Wolf.

[B]

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Chubby's for supporting the show. It's about to be cold outside, and you could be a guy who's wearing chubby shorts all year long. We know plenty of people who do things like that. Or you can check out Chubby's fall collection dropping on September 9. Later this year, they're even launching the new comfort collection.

[C]

What was that? Diggy just took a shot at me.

[B]

Why do you love wearing chubby shorts and you're a shorts guy year round? You were.

[A]

You're.

[B]

You're a hoodie and shorts guy year round. It's a strange thing.

[C]

Well, I just didn't. I thought we were friends. I didn't know we were taking shots.

[A]

Well, Jay, you're gonna love it because.

[B]

Their comfort collection is incredible. They have everywhere joggers, so you look like a jogger everywhere you go. And there's never a bad time to shop for Chubby's original stretch shorts either. I swim all year round. I go in the steam room and the sauna and the hot tub. Jay, you have a hot tub in the backyard, so you need your chubby shorts all year round. But their fall collection and comfort collection is just absolutely.

[C]

I just felt like you were coming at me is all. You know what I mean?

[A]

Oh, no, no, no.

[B]

You look great.

[A]

You.

[B]

Honestly, you have the nicest legs in comedy for a fat guy.

[C]

Thank you all.

[B]

Whether you're layering up for tailgates, lounging through lazy Sundays, or just leaning fully into full comfort, Chubby's has you literally covered. And for a limited time, Chubby's is giving Story wars fans $10 off your order with the coat wars@chubby shorts.com. that's Code Wars. W A R Z at Chubby c h u B-B-I-S shorts dot com. Support the show. Show your thighs some respect with Chubby's. All right, where were we?

[C]

Yeah, great. Alex. Sorry. I don't know why. In my head, I was thinking. I was like, I gotta think of a funny grandfather thing to say about Josh right now. And then there was dead silence. I had nothing. Alex, story number three.

[G]

Story number three. I broke a piece of art in a hotel room. I bumped it and it fell down, messed up the frame, glass, and the art itself. I bought art supplies and spent the week fixing.

[A]

I mean, I think that they would vote.

[E]

So it's not you, because you would have just hidden the piece of art under the bed or some shit, right? You wouldn't have fixed it.

[D]

Yeah, but he would rate that. Because they're dishonest when Dave isn't here.

[E]

Yeah, but you feel like the only person up here who would feel guilty enough that they would have to fix it.

[D]

I would.

[F]

Yeah, I would, too, to be honest.

[E]

Would you?

[D]

I would. Oh, my God. We're so.

[A]

Let me just say this. I think if you bump a piece of art at a hotel room, I don't think that you just call down the desk and be like, hey, come clean up this broken art.

[C]

Get this stupid piece of. You got 50 of at Bed Bath and Beyond and bring another one up. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

This is. This is a crazy. So this is a. A very nice part. This is screaming Petely right now.

[D]

Yeah, I'm very nice.

[C]

This just screams tall, dark and pleasant.

[D]

I like that one.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

I'll support a joke even when you won't. See? Not that nice.

[A]

I mean.

[C]

Oh, shit, he's going over the top.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Val, I think it's you.

[F]

I would do that, but I really didn't.

[D]

I don't know if you'd bump a piece of art in everything that I've known about you, in every picture I've looked at all of them and real.

[E]

You just told me you spill your drinks all over yourself.

[D]

I do spill my drinks. Yeah. I was doing Kevin Nealon's Crowd Work show, and then you sit down with him and just, like, the carpet on stage of the Laugh Factory moved And I spilled a drink and shattered our glass on stage. I am a drinker, but not that bad.

[F]

Clumsy.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

If Val bumps into something, she bumps into it twice.

[F]

That's true.

[A]

Her tits.

[F]

That took me a minute. Yep.

[A]

Folks, story number three is bombing. For some reason, I can't tell why we're really off on this one. I can't exactly put my finger on what's going on with this.

[C]

We're killing time before we all say Pete Lee. Who else would do this? I would never waste time doing this. What do you see in a hotel room that's considered art in any way? It's just, like, circles and nonsense.

[F]

Yeah, well, what if it was, like, in the. Did it say it was in the room or in the lobby?

[E]

Maybe it said in the hotel room.

[C]

In the hotel room. Okay, because you broke lobby art and you tried to tell anybody, just slowly come back at night to fix it.

[F]

That's true.

[C]

Hammer's gonna put this tarp up. You don't mind front desk person, do you?

[A]

Do you know that they pardon our dust? They nail. They nail the art to the wall, you know? Yeah. So. And the only reason I know that is because I have tried to steal hotel art.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

I was like, I love this. Oh, no.

[D]

Okay, then maybe it is you.

[A]

Maybe.

[C]

Or it's probably a vase or something. I don't frame.

[A]

I did steal a vase from Equinox before they banned me. That's not why they banned me either.

[C]

What a gay thing to steal?

[D]

That's the most gay thing that's ever happened in Equinox.

[C]

You think it doesn't sound gay. She calls it a vase out of a vase. I'm taking this vase.

[A]

I did hide it directly in my asshole.

[D]

Your eyes. All right, there we go. And we're back.

[A]

Story number three is back. I mean, I, I, I can't vote for Pete three times in a row, but can I?

[D]

Why?

[C]

I voted for you twice. It worked out.

[A]

That is true.

[E]

I think I. I think you have to.

[A]

I think I have to. This is screams Petely. It might be a Val, though, but Pete Lee, third time in a row. Third time's a charm. I just made that up. That's my saying, dude.

[C]

That's a good saying, Pete Lee.

[A]

Here we go.

[C]

I'm going for it.

[D]

I'm going with Val because I just want to connect.

[C]

He goes, well, she hasn't fart her yet, so maybe she's clumsy.

[D]

What if it was a fart that.

[E]

Knocked down piece of art?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Alex, all of Our answers are in.

[G]

All right, Story number three belongs to Pete Lee.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that. Is that sound effect for if everyone guesses the right person or if you fool everybody?

[C]

No, there's separate ones for if you fool everyone.

[A]

Okay. I just wanted to make sure that's what that was, though.

[D]

Did I get points for everybody guessing me?

[A]

No, you had no points. Nope.

[D]

No, we've all seems like. Fucking switch. I don't know.

[C]

That story couldn't have been more me.

[D]

Yeah, it was so me. I won't say what town I was in because I'm still waiting to get caught. But, yeah, I was watching a lot of White Collar on Netflix, and he does, like, art crimes and stuff. And. Yeah, I was pretty drunk, and I just kind of, like, stumbled in the bathroom, and then the frame, like, dropped on top of the toilet. It broke the glass. I ordered glass on Amazon to the hotel. I replaced the glass.

[C]

I have a glass Delivery for room 323. Where are you getting that?

[D]

And then I literally ordered touch up paint, and I touched. And I was like, this is really good. This is really good. There's no way that the art expert, that's the maid that cleans the room is going to be able to tell this is an original.

[E]

The front desk must have been like, this is the most courteous dude who's ever done coke in any of our rooms before. He ordered his own glass up to the room.

[D]

Oh, if I was at coke, I wouldn't stumble.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

All right, that one, I don't even think. You didn't think that was funny. You guys were like, that checks out.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Facts.

[D]

That's more of a mushrooms thing.

[A]

Alex, after three stories, where do our points stand?

[G]

All right, in last place with zero points, Pete Lee. In fourth place with two points, Valerie Vaughn.

[C]

Two points.

[D]

Ms. Valerie Vaughn is one vine piece of ass.

[C]

Two points.

[A]

All right, two points. Hell, yeah.

[C]

Never seen a couple guys high five over an 80s movie joke.

[A]

Sick.

[D]

Thanks for the high five. I appreciate that.

[C]

Thank you.

[G]

In third place with four points, Big J. Okerson. In second place with five points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with six points, Josh Wolf.

[C]

Pete, dare I say you're gonna have to pull your head out of your ass or you're gonna be watching somebody else go home. With all because of youf, which follows Lennon and Hayes as they navigate the pull between safety and risk. Hayes has built a life centered on responsibility, putting his daughter first. But Lennon has guarded her hard after past heartbreaks. Working together forces them to confront old memories and decide Whether they are willing to trust each other with a second chance.

[D]

Wow. I think we can all agree that no matter who wins that book, I'm going home with it. Nobody's going to the beach.

[C]

You're the only one who desperately wants to read it. Hey, I know I didn't win, but could I borrow it?

[D]

Yeah, I mean, just that. The tug of war between the hearts.

[A]

Alex, Story number four.

[G]

Story number four. I have won many awards for my drawing and painting abilities.

[C]

This sounds like something I'd say. I haven't, though.

[A]

Jay's also a very good drawer. I don't know. He is at painting, but he's a. He's pretty good at drawing.

[C]

Never even tried.

[D]

It hasn't been Jay yet, right?

[C]

Nope. But that doesn't matter.

[A]

No, no. It's all randomly.

[D]

Oh. Oh, it's shuffled.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. All right. Blackjack.

[E]

I have won many awards.

[C]

Yeah, this also could be Lewis.

[D]

Too many awards. That's a little braggadocious. Which is also my pimp name.

[A]

I have won many awards for my drawing and painting abilities. I will say that right now on the show.

[C]

I have actually childhood awards, too.

[A]

Oh, well, yeah, that is true. I was pretty good when I was a kid.

[C]

Yeah, but I didn't win awards.

[A]

I didn't win a bunch of awards.

[D]

Who would say the word ability?

[A]

A woman.

[C]

Valerie Vaughn, I think.

[E]

Josh, would you think I'd say abilities?

[D]

Yeah, because you've been around for centuries.

[E]

Yeah, but we were chiseling rock and we weren't drawn.

[D]

You're in, like, old pictures that are.

[C]

In sepia tone when you have sick ass monster cans. And James, do me favor. Write this down. When you have monster cans, people are going to compliment all of your abilities and tell you that things are good. You know what I mean? If she was. If she tried to fix your brakes and just slapped it with a hammer, you'd be like, that was pretty good.

[F]

Yeah, but would you win awards for it?

[C]

Yeah. Don't just give you awards.

[F]

All right.

[C]

Don't just give you awards. For sure.

[F]

Well, I'm.

[C]

Look, this guy's lost so many awards to a hot chick.

[A]

Clearly. Do you want this book? Here, take it. You just have it.

[C]

I don't care. She wins, you win. I don't care.

[D]

I mean, if you want to both.

[F]

Read it, we could read it together.

[A]

Val, how are you at art? Can you draw?

[F]

I'm horrible at art.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Yes, horrible. I draw stick figures and like the. When I draw, like a dress on a girl, it's a triangle that's what it's.

[A]

That's what a dress is.

[D]

That's racist. Hangman.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

I'm not an artist at all.

[E]

Do you both paint? The both of you?

[A]

Jay's very good at art.

[C]

Never painted in my life.

[A]

Life.

[C]

Not once ever. I don't believe that I could draw this one cartoon.

[A]

He's lying to everybody.

[C]

I could draw this one kind of cartoon guy. Pretty cool, though. It's pretty neat. He's got a hat and.

[F]

Oh, let's do that. Let's all draw a picture real quick.

[C]

Yeah, look at this little guy.

[F]

Let's all draw a picture.

[A]

You could draw me.

[F]

That's pretty good.

[C]

Look, I can make him giving a thumbs up, too.

[E]

Are we all drawing a part?

[F]

Yeah. Person.

[E]

A whole person or just a.

[A]

Just a face? Hold on.

[F]

Oh, just the face.

[A]

Hold on. I want it to be good for some reason.

[C]

I'm gonna give my guys some little chin hairs. You guys are taking long. Ooh, maybe some earrings. That'll be fun. Ooh, I'm gonna give him an eyebrow piercing. That's neat. Mm. Maybe a little body. I'm thinking a polo shirt.

[D]

I'm so sorry, Jay.

[A]

Oh, my God. Pete. Pete. You drew Big J.

[C]

He just doubled his own joke. You guys both called me fat and didn't listen to each other.

[D]

Can I be honest with you, Jay? Like, I'm pretty fat right now, and I saw Jim Gaffigan the other day, and I was like, oh, my God, he's fatter than me. And I got mad, so I made a tit joke about you. But do you want to feel each other's? Yeah. How does it feel?

[C]

No, don't do the bottom part. Do the up top part. Do the up top part.

[A]

All right. Ooh, up top. It's real nice. What about under here?

[C]

So is this. Everybody up here is rock solid. Down here's a thing. So is this everybody's guesses.

[F]

Okay, wait, I want to see everybody's.

[A]

Yeah. So you have to draw the person you guess for.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, let me see yours.

[F]

I'm going. I'm going with you.

[A]

Thank you, Big J. Big J is at. And he could easily lie and say he said he's never painted. I'm thinking this is Big J's first story.

[F]

You guys might have tried to not do that. Good. To trick us.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You're. Oh. First instinct. Big J. Okerson.

[C]

Oh, I don't like that. What? You guys are all voting for me because I drew a really awesome. That one character.

[A]

I draw.

[C]

You Guys are really jumping guns.

[D]

Jay, I'm voting for you. But because of what? My joke. I'm just writing J.

[C]

Okay. Thank you. Big heavy titted J.

[E]

C cup J.

[A]

That's his bra size. Double Js.

[C]

Someone's cleaning house.

[A]

It's Ray Lewis.

[C]

It's you or Valerie.

[A]

You. Ray Lewis. Every time. Oh, no. You're an idiot, dude. It's not. It's really not.

[C]

Oh, is it really not this time?

[A]

It's really not. Is this just you doing this is you doing. This is Jay wasting time for no reason at all?

[C]

Why would I. I wouldn't do it.

[A]

I don't know why you would.

[C]

Because I. This is not. Somebody's getting a lot of points and it could be you.

[A]

I'm starting to think it's not Jay. Fuck.

[D]

Louis Jacob Gomez, right?

[C]

Look at the tits on this pig. God, everyone here. So fat.

[A]

Mmm.

[C]

Someone's killing it here.

[F]

No matter what, it might be Josh, too.

[C]

That could be Valerie trying to throw it over somewhere trying to get it off of her. Valerie.

[A]

Who would want to get off on Valerie if it's you? What?

[C]

Your son's here. What is this? Say ejaculate. Dude, keep it clinical.

[A]

Sorry.

[C]

If this is you, dude, it's gonna kill me.

[A]

Me? Why me?

[C]

Because you're going to get so many points right here. Everyone here is wrong.

[A]

You could take the at least a point away from me by writing me.

[C]

Yeah, I know math. I'm playing it strategically.

[A]

Oh, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. J, J, J, J. Oh, you're. There's one person you could have taken their points away, you fool.

[C]

Alex.

[A]

Alex. Whose story was this?

[G]

That story belongs to Lewis J. Rome.

[C]

Who would say drawing abilities.

[D]

There is a snake in the grave.

[A]

I won many awards for my drawing and painting abilities. First grade fire prevention award. Second grade fire prevention award. Shoprite, West Haverstraw. Easter coloring contest with paints. Another year, like three years later, Easter coloring contest with paints. That's all my awards.

[D]

Lou.

[C]

Nope, nope. That was four.

[A]

What?

[C]

Four awards you chose.

[A]

That's many.

[C]

That's many.

[D]

I gotta say this, Louis. I know your dad was step. So I'm so proud of you.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I do Forget your dad was stabbed. I am. I'm proud of you too, dude. Four awards.

[D]

I only know that because of rose battles. I'm so sorry I said that.

[A]

Okay? No, don't worry about it.

[C]

Your dad would be so proud. In Puerto Rican heaven, which is hell.

[D]

How could you say that about Bad Bunny?

[A]

Puerto Rican heaven? Which is Alex. Nice little shake up just now. Let us know where our point spread is.

[G]

All right. In last place with zero points, Pete Lee.

[C]

Caboose. He's holding up the rear.

[G]

In fourth place with two points, Valerie Vaughn.

[D]

Miss. Valerie Vaughn.

[G]

Tied for second place with six points each, Big J Okerson and Josh Wolf. And in the lead with eight points, Luis J. Gomez.

[A]

Well, we are halfway through our game. We have four stories down. I'm in the lead. I'm always in the lead. I'm pretty good at this. Let's do some plugs. We have this whole second half of the show to get to it. Really anybody's game, so. But Josh, what do you plug in, my friend?

[E]

My latest special came out on my YouTube channel yesterday called the King.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

My latest special.

[D]

Silent film.

[E]

That might be the oldest thing I've done in a long time.

[C]

My.

[D]

I got myself.

[A]

That was good.

[D]

Did.

[E]

My latest special came out on my YouTube channel yesterday. It's called the Campfire Special. And I do a podcast with my son, my youngest son, called hey man. Which is a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good time. It's a good time.

[A]

What a dumb idea. Pete Lane.

[D]

All right, you can catch me this weekend at the Ontario Improv. This is coming out this week.

[A]

Week, Probably a couple weeks.

[D]

All right. Janesville, Wisconsin, August 22nd, 23rd. Follow me on Instagram. Ill Cosby. No, I'm just kidding. It's at Petly. Petely Petly. And that's all I care about. At Petely, Petely Peely. Do that. I don't give a fuck. That's all that matters.

[A]

Hell yeah. Valerie Vaughn.

[F]

You guys can just find all of my stuff on get in the car.com pretty much. And then get in the car. Underscore on Instagram.

[A]

Hell yeah. Very cool. Big j.

[C]

Big J. BigJ. Comedy.com for all my dates. Look for a city near you on Big Joker. Since Peter North American Tour. Coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. And of course, bonfire five days a week, faction talk, SiriusXM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the flagship show right over here, Gas Digital, the motherfucking Legion of Skanks. Oh, and I've also started doing some live streaming, so follow my YouTube on that. Big J Okerson.

[A]

Very cool. Come see me live in the road to bring five friends who are coming to a city near you. September, I got Portland, Maine, coming up. I got Key West, Florida, Levittown, New York, and a lot of other stuff. Go to louisofskanks.com check out all my other podcasts, the Regs, Legion of Skanks, my solo podcast. Get my my book on pre order right now Knives and Spoons on Amazon and subscribe to Gas Digital, the brand new Gas Digital code of gas digital.com you get there's like 30 episodes that aren't available anywhere else of story wars. Plus pre release on all the episodes ad free uncensored episodes. Gas digital.com use the promo code war. You save a buck 50amonth. It supports the show. So thank you very much.

[C]

All right, we have four final stories to go. And Pete, you're probably feeling pretty shitty right about now.

[D]

Honestly, I've been getting laughs, so I'm all right.

[C]

No, I've watched you throw a full blown history fit. You want this book and you want it bad.

[D]

I really do.

[C]

Well, here's the good news. You're not out of the game.

[D]

I'm not?

[C]

At all. Not even sort of. You can come back in one round because for the final four stories, we decided to go double points.

[A]

Holy Pete Lee, you're back, dude.

[D]

And we're back.

[C]

It's just like that. Because before if you fooled somebody, you'd only get one point and if you guess the right story, you get two points. But now that moves up to double points. Self explanatory.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

You guys love double points.

[E]

I was wondering what was going to happen when everybody did it. But no, just you.

[D]

No, they love double points. All right, I feel like we're in Tommy Boy. I'm like, you were there. Second Tommy Boy reference.

[A]

So, Pete, in order to trigger double points, you need to be a story warrior. You need to have won an episode of Story Warriors.

[C]

Worse.

[D]

I get to do what? Hold on. I'm Josh Wolf. Wait, I get what? What do I get to do?

[A]

We get to.

[E]

Are you sniffing that marker?

[D]

I need to win somehow. I'm just coloring in my grays.

[A]

Alex. Story number.

[G]

Story number five. I once bought a piece of art from an antique store and it haunted my house. I heard a man talking to me every night until I burned sage and placed religious figures all over the house.

[C]

Me and my friends built a wicker man and we. We all dance naked around a fly.

[D]

Hey. Hey, Val. I have a question. So you got a house? Yeah, mine burned down. It did. By the way, the week that my house burned down, Big J and Robert Kelly, medium size, he, they went on their podcast and they're like. He was renting and I was.

[C]

Bobby Kelly was Hurt by that. He brought this information to me. He said that he gave you and this is a fair thing.

[D]

So. By the way, I was like, my house burned out of the Pacific Palisade. So everything I own and the place that I was renting. The thing you don't know is I did own a house in the neighborhood.

[C]

It survived?

[D]

Yeah, well, no. Fuck, no. But we get like 10% of insurance. But do you know how many. By the way, I love you guys for this. I don't know. I know your sense of humor is theirs, so can I tell you something? They went on the week that my husband. They're like, he was a renter. Fuck him.

[C]

And I Like, this is being misconstrued.

[D]

Can I tell you my whole. You know how like old men's ears keep growing, old ladies keep growing. And they come up to me in airport. So that clip on Fallon. Because I went on failing the next day after my husband and old ladies hands just keep growing. And 70 million people saw this thing and they're all old ladies. And they fucking walk up to me in airports with their giant old lady hands and they lock me in. It's like five in the morning. Imagine your greatest trauma in life. They're like, I'm so sorry about your home. And I'm like, fucking fuck. And every meet and greet I do. I'm so sorry about your home. And I fucking love your awful fucking piece of shit fans. That dude in the middle of these old lady hands at my meet and greet, they're like, you fuck, you are.

[E]

A renter, you piece of.

[D]

It makes me feel so good.

[C]

They buy tickets, though. They buy tickets. That's what's important. They buy tickets.

[D]

And I love you guys so much.

[C]

They're consumers. But in fair.

[D]

What, Bobby, I had a house on the ocean.

[C]

I'm also catching a little bit of Bobby shrapnel here. Because what happened was. And I understand Bobby's point, though, was that Pete was getting. People were hearing the story that Pete's house burnt down. That's how you heard it?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And so he gave. He immediately. Everyone gave. To no fault of his own. Everybody gave. Your home, you owned burned down energy. And then. And then was like, it was a rental. You're like, ow.

[D]

Yeah, but I also.

[A]

Somebody else's house burnt down. That we don't know.

[C]

But your towels.

[D]

But I. That's offensive.

[C]

Towels. My towels.

[D]

I'm so sorry. This is a place to tell a joke. I don't know where you stand in Israel, Palestine, but I argue Both depending on the Uber. I'm in. I'm sorry I said that. But no, but yeah, I. But yeah, I didn't want to tell anybody about the other thing, but I even went on Fallon, and I was like. I was renting this house. I even said it. So I said it.

[A]

I vote for Val.

[C]

Yeah. Come on, Pete. Get your double points.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe in ghosts, you guys.

[E]

You're the only one with sage in their house.

[F]

I don't believe in ghosts. I take that back. I take that back.

[D]

Heck, I'm a male feminist.

[A]

Come on, Val. You don't.

[C]

You think this is Louis.

[F]

I didn't have time. I'm too.

[D]

Okay, it's definitely you. It's definitely her.

[F]

I don't believe in ghosts, though.

[D]

I'm about to get double points.

[F]

Didn't even give me a.

[C]

Alex. I jotted it down before she's finished talking.

[A]

All of our answers are in.

[G]

Story number five belongs to Valerie Vaugh.

[C]

And you know what's funny? Alex actually took out the story once while on my period. Yeah, we still knew what we.

[F]

Well, it was. I started my period in art class.

[D]

I was a weird non laugh that felt not supportive.

[A]

So you really. You. You really did hear.

[F]

I like that you put a harder.

[A]

Val, you really did hear a man talking to you every night.

[F]

No, I really did. So I bought this piece of art. It's like a long little rectangle. It's a girl giving her dog a bath.

[D]

Like, what do you think is long?

[C]

Oh, my God. That'll kill you.

[D]

Six inches.

[F]

It was pretty good. Big, but it's a. It's a girl giving her dog a bath. And I hung it in my hallway. And my house was so haunted until I got rid of that thing. It was.

[C]

You heard a man talking to you every night?

[F]

Every night I was.

[C]

Did you just leave your cam open?

[F]

I lay in bed and I.

[E]

Did it sound like watching you sleep? Did it sound like Pete at all?

[D]

I've been watching.

[A]

You should totally pee. Yeah.

[D]

My pain.

[C]

I'm not still paying for this by the minute, am I?

[A]

Hey. Ooh, I'm a ghost. You should totally pee right now.

[D]

Is. Is that the house that you live in?

[C]

Fart fart.

[A]

You totally have to fall. You have to far.

[D]

We could both survive on this plank. Because you're so light.

[A]

Ooh, your bra's getting tight. You should totally loosen them up.

[C]

Only touching yourself can free my spirit.

[F]

That's not what he was.

[C]

I don't know can you maybe suck your own boo? Where's this ghost 15?

[D]

I hope that's what people should do.

[A]

You should totally bathe. You should bathe your feet. Milk. Ooh, that wouldn't be hot at all.

[C]

Sucking your own toes would probably make the spirits rest. Yes, that's a girl. I care about you.

[D]

I care about your mind and your future. And I'm not afraid of your past.

[A]

You should call me gay.

[D]

That was my grandfather's name who owned the painting.

[C]

Shame my penis while I masturbate.

[A]

Tell me how small it is and how dumb I am. What a loser I am.

[C]

This little dumb thing would never make you feel good. Ooh, I'm so close.

[D]

Oh, my God. I lost everything I own. But I actually have a lot of money and I'm one of the owners of Liquid Death.

[C]

Ground level. Liquid Death.

[D]

Second floor.

[A]

So, I'm sorry, Val, we interrupted your story.

[C]

Oh, yeah. There's a man speaking you at night. You had to burn flowers.

[F]

There was nothing as cool as that. I wish they were saying that to me. That would be so much better.

[C]

Is that the way they were saying? You're gonna die a bloody death?

[F]

No.

[A]

He kept saying, I'm talking to your father. He hates you.

[C]

He doesn't forgive you. You'll feel the sting of a thousand spiders.

[F]

This is what I kept hearing is terracotta eyes. How creepy is that? Terracotta eyes.

[A]

Terracotta eyes. Just those words?

[F]

Yeah, it was like when you. It's like when you hear your. When you hear yourself talking in your own head.

[C]

You think it was the Mexicans doing your tile were stuck in the walls or something?

[F]

Maybe. Well, the guy that lived there before me also like, dug out a huge hole in my backyard and buried all of his because he was a hoarder. So I feel like there's just like.

[C]

That buried his stuff. All of it's currently there right now.

[F]

Knows what's in there?

[A]

Yeah, currently.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

When he said it was like Pete Lee Terracotta every moment of the night, I think that was pretty quick witted.

[A]

It was fantastic.

[C]

And it was one of Hart's three major 80s hits.

[D]

You guys are so young. You're like. That was like one of my mom's songs.

[A]

Alex, where are our points at five stories. In.

[G]

All right. In last place with two points, Valerie Vaughn. In fourth place with four points.

[C]

Hello, Pete Lee.

[E]

Let's go, Pete Lee.

[D]

Oh, my God, Valerie, you're beneath me.

[C]

Welcome to the points party.

[G]

Tied for second place with 10 points each, big J Okerson and Josh Wolf. And in the lead with 12 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

All right, let's take a quick moment story warriors and thank prize picks for being a longtime sponsor on the show. I'll tell you right now, you and I make decisions every single day. But on prize picks, being right can actually get you paid.

[A]

This is look at whether you're a.

[B]

Sports guy or you're not.

[A]

Like me.

[B]

It makes watching sports that much more exciting. Having a little skin in the game and you don't even have to be an expert. Jay, let him know how easy it is to prize picks.

[C]

It's extremely simple. All you have to do is pick more or less on 2 to 6 players. Projected stats in any sport, more or less. It's that simple. If they projected someone's going to throw for 200 yards, you're just going to say they're going to throw for more or they're going to throw for less. 50, 50 shots. That easy. And they also have very, very fast payouts. They offer venmo, Apple Pay, MasterCard more. They even have flex pay where you can still cash out even if your lineup isn't perfect. You could double your money even if one of the picks doesn't hit. Very simple. All you got to do is download the app today, the prize picks app, and use the code Wars W a r z to get $50 in lineups after you play your first five DOL. It's that easy. And that's guaranteed, by the way, the 50 bucks is guaranteed in lineups. That's Code Wars WZ to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. It's prize picks. It's good to be right. All right, let's get back into it.

[A]

Alex, story number six.

[G]

Story number six. I've been to the same art museum over 100 times, but I've only gone inside once.

[A]

What am I?

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

A $10 bill?

[A]

What are you, the devil? You're the devil. You're the devil.

[D]

Dude.

[A]

It sounds like such. It sounds like such a fucking.

[D]

Do you have a suit jacket with question marks on it?

[A]

Yeah, almost for the same. Riddle me this, Batman.

[D]

Is there a subway stop near a museum?

[C]

Well, almost for the same reason. I thought the story about the clogging the toilet was. I know you sold tickets around the city a bunch, so that's why I would feel.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Can you order drinks more loudly.

[C]

With extra ice, please? What if he does? I hope he takes it literally. Oh. Oh, sorry. Two beers. This strikes me as you selling tickets Outside Me?

[A]

Yeah, Selling tickets.

[C]

Well, you're not going inside because you're selling tickets outside.

[D]

All Lewis does is sell tickets.

[C]

Damn. That's how you sound. Idiot.

[D]

That was a supportive roast.

[C]

Oh, thank you. Apologies.

[D]

I hope I made it hard being Stab.

[A]

Joke. So.

[D]

Oh, wait, I didn't say that part.

[A]

I mean, look, I will say that. I mean, you shouldn't play the numbers game here. But I've already had two stories. Stories out today. It should be pointed out.

[C]

It's random.

[E]

Hey, there he is.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, Face. I know the rules. I made them.

[D]

Dude, this guy. This guy laid these bricks.

[C]

No, I painted. I own it.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. I'm a bricklayer. Her nickname is Bricks.

[A]

I mean, no, I. Look, this. You're right. This. This is obviously somebody who has worked in a building that an art museum was in. Something like that, right?

[C]

Oh, maybe.

[A]

Maybe it's SiriusXM. Is there an art museum at SiriusXM?

[C]

No, I don't think so.

[E]

Yeah, but you're. You're denying it. Like you denied the other two the exact.

[C]

Oh, he's a. He's a scumbag piece of. Oh, yeah.

[E]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[D]

With your Kaiser Sose mustache.

[C]

Yeah. You deceptive fucking mustache.

[A]

I feel like some of these people, they didn't. They never seen the movie. They just. The context seemed meaner than it really was.

[E]

I know. That's the joke that got in my room all night. Kaiser Sosa.

[D]

Fucking edgy comment.

[C]

Damn, dude, you walked out of the mic drop. You teeter that line.

[D]

Yeah. Valor. Your mother warned you about me.

[C]

Valerie, you do a lot of person on the street stuff also, right?

[A]

Right?

[F]

Sometimes.

[C]

Yeah. This seems like.

[F]

But I don't live in a city.

[C]

So there's no art museum.

[F]

No.

[D]

Wait, what city do you live in?

[F]

Huntington Beach.

[C]

What's your address? Your most vulnerable.

[D]

What time do you usually live in Huntington Beach? Oh, oh, in la. Oh, I have a home there too.

[F]

Is it burnt down?

[C]

That one's currently on fire.

[E]

Yeah, Yeah.

[D]

I have a place here in Columbus URL.

[A]

And the.

[D]

I have a place in Beverly Hills now.

[F]

All right, Pete.

[A]

Pete, what did you do with your last comic? Sanding money. How are you doing this?

[D]

Well, I.

[C]

What you getting? Ground level Starbucks?

[D]

I invested in Gas Digital.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

Oh, my God, they're making tablecloth money.

[C]

Ah, fuck me. Dude, I fucked up. I sold early on that.

[A]

You did. I mean, this could be anybody here. I mean, I'm getting Big J vibes. Big J. You haven't had a store yet, right?

[C]

What art museum am I Going to.

[E]

But you didn't go. You just stood out front.

[D]

Honestly, with those glasses, the moma.

[C]

I did live.

[D]

Oh, my God. An exhibit story isn't my podium.

[A]

Wow. I've been to the same art Museum over 100tr. So being outside of it, smoking a cigarette. This is near a comedy club or his job at SiriusXM. I'm going. Big J Okerson, he's doing. Look at his bad acting face right now. Look at, look at, guys, look at.

[D]

Look at it.

[A]

Really focus in on his face. Look at it. Jay, is this you?

[C]

No.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Jay, look at. Look at the crowd and let everyone know. Is this you?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

That's a lie.

[F]

That's a lie.

[E]

That's you.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You guys are fucking idiots. This is Lewis.

[F]

It could be Josh again.

[D]

I'm gonna put Josh because he's been alive forever.

[A]

That's true. This could be over the course of seven years.

[D]

That's like, not a lot of exposures if you've been alive for centuries.

[C]

It's true.

[D]

I'm a Highlander. And on my last life, I decided to podcast a new comedy.

[E]

I've been to New York City over a thousand times in my lifetime.

[A]

So Josh is the. Has the same lifeline as the vampire Lestat. Nice sick reference, Alex. All of our answers are in.

[G]

Story number six. Belongs to Big J Okerson.

[A]

Sorry, I feel like I guided everyone towards you.

[D]

Wait, you said Josh, right?

[A]

What museum is this? Jay, come on.

[C]

Let me give you two seconds to think about it, and you bet you guys can finish this story for me.

[A]

Okay? Come on, we gotta start it.

[C]

You said, where am I from? Where am I from?

[A]

Oh, you would cry outside of the Rocky statue like a faggot.

[C]

I'm not going in the fucking museum. I'm gonna run up and down the steps, do the Rocky thing, go pay my respects to the statue, and then go about my business. I've done that over a hundred times.

[A]

Easily.

[C]

Easily.

[A]

I've personally done that over a dozen times. Yeah, and I'm not from Philly.

[E]

What's the one time you went inside?

[C]

School trip. They made us.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, they made us. We asked if we could just stay outside and keep going up and down the steps and jumping like rock, but they. It is what it is, dude.

[D]

How do we not see that, huh? How do we not see that?

[A]

We did.

[C]

Everybody except you did. I was worried it was too obvious. It was me, and I was right.

[A]

Except for you, Alex. Where are points at?

[G]

All right? Back in last place with four points, Pete Lee.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Package.

[D]

That was the most hurtful use of the word back since I referred to my ex. She had a bad back.

[C]

Oh man. Having a chick at our age you have to describe as having a bad back. Sucks. Hey, how's your guys girlfriend? Her back's bad.

[D]

Wait, can I tell you her knees.

[C]

Have been acting up.

[D]

Can I tell you guys my favorite? There's a comedian out of Minneapolis named Dwight York that needs to be shouted out. He had this great joke. He goes. He looked like he just got out of prison. He goes, my girlfriend and I can't do it doggy style cuz she's got a real bad back. I mean, she can get up on all fours. I just don't like looking at it. Shout out. Dwight York.

[C]

So funny. You know, I know the name. I work with him one time at the Buffalo Chip in Sturgis. Sturgis Festival. Oh yeah, he was hosting the comedy show in the little room there.

[D]

Did you fly into Minneapolis and he drove you?

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[D]

Yeah, he doesn't have a license.

[C]

No, not at all.

[A]

You guys want to have a nice reminiscing after the show? This old story.

[C]

Well, let me get my points from my sick ass Rocky story, please.

[A]

Alex points.

[G]

In fourth place with six points, Valerie Vaughn. In third place with 12 points, Big J. Okerson. In second place with 14 points, Josh Wolfe.

[E]

Hey, do I. Do I get a point handicap for my age?

[C]

No, no, I.

[E]

No. My brain works a little slower.

[A]

No, no, I.

[E]

See, I can't see that well.

[C]

Look, you can take it up. You can take it up with a commission.

[E]

I. Dude, I have to make sure I'm not sitting on my nuts all of the time.

[C]

Your face doesn't say that at all.

[E]

Yeah, but my nuts do.

[C]

Damn, I'd like to see them one day.

[D]

Yeah, they have the same hair. Short curls, got a little bit of curl on the back.

[A]

Alex.

[G]

And in the lead with 16 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Everybody. I couldn't warn you enough to get on your game for these last two stories because this club can't wait to throw out all because of you. It's a second chance romance. Second in the close knit community of Pine Creek. Choosing each other could mean revisiting old wounds. But it might also give them the future they both want. Their story is about the courage to open up again and how the place you once left behind can hold the love that you were meant to find. That girl's gotta go. Jill.

[D]

Off.

[C]

That was so hot. She's gonna flick Bean. That was so erotic.

[D]

The Way I read that, does Lewis win all the time?

[C]

Yeah. He's a cheater. And he works with the.

[A]

I don't cheat.

[C]

Everybody who works at the show and does the points in scoring also works for Lewis and is afraid of him. Cause he threatens. He threatens them their jobs. He threatens them physically sometimes. And I've seen him hit him.

[D]

Yeah. And the J stands for winner.

[C]

Winner. Damn. Laying loads on you, dude. Yo, Pe.

[E]

These comedy loads all over.

[D]

Yeah, but they were nice.

[A]

They were story number seven.

[D]

How many stories left?

[C]

Two.

[D]

Sarah, can I get another Maker's Mark double? I love you, Louis.

[A]

I love you, Pete.

[D]

Wait, I mean, Val. I do love you, Louis.

[G]

Story number seven. I finger fucked some dude's belly button at a music festival.

[C]

All right, Can I say, even though it's Sam Bag and myself, it's. It's Valerie. Me or Lewis.

[D]

You guys don't know. But I fucking. I go to music festivals. I'm not trying to cast reasonable doubt, but, like, which finger would you use.

[E]

To finger fuck a dude's belly butt?

[D]

Well, this one. Because this one's kind of mean.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That is true. The pink is condescending.

[C]

You're like, yeah, the pink is gonna tickle. You gotta fill the belly button up. If you get too deep, it's gonna get that tickly tingle feeling.

[D]

But I am from the early 2000s, so I'd be like, sufa.

[C]

Nice. I like that.

[D]

That was a Dane Cook joke. I love him, by the way.

[C]

He's a comedian from then.

[D]

He's. I didn't mean to. When you didn't laugh. That was hateful. He's a friend of mine. I made a joke about him one time on a podcast, and then we talked, and he goes, hey, you made a joke about me? And it was hateful. And I go, oh, my God, I love you. And we hugged and we kissed, and I. I fingered him. I fingered his belly button. And I love you.

[A]

So, look, I'm getting Josh Wolf vibes. I think the music festival was the original wood. Yeah, dude, it was a free love.

[E]

It was Jimi Hendrix.

[A]

It was free love, dude. Santana was on stage just wailing. You were like, okay, dude, you're on acid.

[C]

Like, it was Altamont. The Hell's Angels were getting a little rough with the people, but so Kings, when Deep Purple went on, everything was on fire. It didn't matter.

[A]

Smoke on the water finger in this.

[D]

It.

[A]

His thumb.

[C]

Smoke on the water finger. Slut.

[E]

Dude, this one.

[A]

Yeah, you're thumbing it in.

[C]

Yeah, that's butthole.

[A]

Why you grab while you grabbing top fat.

[E]

It feels, though.

[C]

Oh, yeah. A little FA and finger blast. Fa.

[A]

Finger blast right there. That's the motion.

[C]

Dude.

[E]

What a crazy thing to high five on.

[C]

What?

[A]

My son. Is he here?

[C]

Yo, your son is here. He should know the things we've done. We were friends for long before you were born. Your father's a different man now. Wink, wink.

[D]

He's. He's in an urn. Yeah, no, they. That that requires.

[C]

I wanted to say this is Val. This is Val getting content. Some fat guy came over, and you.

[F]

Figure if, if it was me, I wouldn't have said some dudes.

[C]

Well, if it was you, the other one, you wouldn't have said sage and witchcraft.

[F]

That's true.

[D]

Hey, Val, I, I. I've only known you today.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

This many days.

[D]

This many days.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

And that was the finger that he put in that guy.

[E]

That's right.

[A]

Right.

[C]

This many days.

[A]

I've known you this many days.

[D]

I got to be honest. I don't know.

[C]

You don't have to go that deep in a belly button. The G spot's pretty up front.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

You keep doing it like. This is.

[C]

That's how I get in there.

[D]

Well, come here.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Come hither, motion.

[D]

But I don't know you to be vulgar, even though you keep hitting your vape like a stripper.

[F]

Well, yeah, I am. I am pretty vulgar.

[D]

By the way, have you ever gotten a lap dance where she doesn't hit her vape like, all right, just give me one.

[A]

Give me 90 seconds of attention.

[D]

Yeah. Will you say the word? Will you say finger?

[F]

I finger some dude's belly button.

[C]

Yeah. Well, I'm done. I'll see you guys.

[D]

Val, I swear, I didn't want that for the clip.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I wanted it for journalistic integrity.

[C]

I don't want to make that my reason.

[D]

Oh, my God, I'm drunk.

[E]

I definitely think it's Val.

[C]

You think it's Josh, huh?

[D]

Finger some dude's belly button.

[F]

If it was me, and I know that I'm most likely to be the only girl here, why would I say some dudes, you know?

[D]

Okay, Val, it would be like.

[F]

It would be like, I, I don't know.

[D]

Okay, Val, I've been on a lot of narcissistic relationships, and I understand through probable deniability.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

Are we draw. Do we draw people?

[D]

I hope that we're not that, Josh.

[F]

We're not that. I promise.

[D]

Jesus Christ. Josh is the only one here. Well, not. Not you. Without that Belly.

[A]

Josh votes for Val. Val votes for Pete. Pete votes for Val. And Big Jefferson is drawing a way to detail the picture.

[C]

It's Val.

[D]

Did we have to draw a picture?

[C]

I just was this time.

[A]

Are you drawing Jet Val?

[C]

Yeah, but with big, monster tits.

[A]

I think that's what Val's. Val's got way better hips than that dude. You're making Val look like a goddamn dude.

[F]

Oh, thank you.

[C]

Sorry. Thank you.

[A]

Louis, why don't you give her a big cock?

[D]

Do it honestly, Val, if that's what's going on.

[F]

Give me a big one, though. If you're gonna give me one. Give. Make it big.

[D]

How's that feel, Pete, with the big cock in Val?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Guys, I'm really good at drawing dicks.

[D]

Have you guys ever seen that episode of It's Always Sunny where the hot chick has the dick? Yeah. I was always like, that would never be me.

[A]

That's Val.

[D]

I've had three whiskeys.

[A]

Alex. All of our answers are in Whose story was story number seven?

[G]

Story number seven belongs to Josh Wolf.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

Yeah. No, this is Josh. Look at the dick. No, it's Josh's dick.

[D]

That's his hair.

[E]

I was taking mushrooms, and there was this big dude who was shirtless who was running up to people and he was shaking his butt shirtless like this. And he was running around.

[A]

And that's how you met Big J okerson.

[E]

Exactly.

[C]

Gathering of the Jugs 2014.

[E]

But he. He was. He was running up to people, and I couldn't hear what he was saying. And then he ran up to me and he shook his belly at me, and he goes, how many knuckles deep you think you can go in my belly button? And I was like, what? And he said, how many knuckles deep? And I was like, none, dude. Zero. And he said, everybody's doing it. And I was on mushrooms. And I didn't want to be the only guy who didn't finger fuck this guy's belly button.

[C]

When in Rome, right?

[E]

So I put my finger in and it got.

[A]

That's my asshole, dude.

[C]

It got. Wrong belly button.

[E]

That's the stinky belly button. It got stuck because with the sweat and the suction.

[C]

Chinese finger trap.

[E]

Exactly.

[C]

You gotta push back in to get it out.

[E]

I had to push with this hand, and when it popped out, he turned around and he went. I finally found someone to do it. And I was like, fuck this guy.

[F]

How does this.

[C]

You were like the Cinderella.

[E]

And then I rubbed my finger under my brother's nose.

[C]

You know what?

[F]

How does it correlate. Into art.

[C]

Val brings up a great point, because music is art.

[E]

I was told to interpret it however I wanted to interpret it.

[A]

Music, dude, is music is art.

[D]

I've had some acid trips and I just right now was like, oh, my God. I was there.

[C]

Yeah, you were with it.

[D]

That was me.

[A]

All right, Alex, we have one more story. One final story. All right, number eight.

[G]

Well, first scores.

[D]

You. You can go. You can. No. Oh, okay. Sorry. I. Okay. I didn't mean to interrupt the show, but he just.

[A]

No, it's okay, Alex.

[C]

No big deal. He used to start a fight with our front row. Whatever.

[D]

I would never relax.

[C]

Dude, you can't rob him. He has no house.

[D]

I just have two apartments.

[G]

On the scoreboard. In last place with four points, Pete Lee.

[D]

But what you guys don't know is this last round is quadruple points.

[G]

In fourth place, with six points, Valerie Vaughn. In third place with 12 points, Big J. Okerson. And tied for the lead with 20 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Josh.

[D]

Let's go.

[C]

It's a slobber knocker down here. The dog wall, y'.

[A]

All.

[C]

We getting crazy with it now.

[A]

They bring it all home and throw away while going that way. I'll do a.

[D]

Now it's Puerto Rico versus somebody who's a descendant from Lucy in Africa.

[C]

Yeah. A Puerto rican and a 2000 year old vampire.

[A]

We actually found Josh frozen in Antarctica. We unfroze him to be here. The world's oldest man.

[D]

Jurassic park wolf.

[E]

I tried to get my grandkids to call me LeBron, but my son wouldn't let me. I thought that would be the best one.

[B]

All right, story warriors. Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee, my coffee brand, for supporting the show. If you guys are, you know, looking to raise your testosterone naturally without sticking a needle into your ass, Bodybrain coffee has you covered because it has an amazing ingredient, Tonguet Ali, which naturally supports testosterone, naturally supports energy, naturally supports virility. It also has some other incredible ingredients, like lion's mane for brain function, ashwagandha for mood, and L. Theanine to smooth it all out. If you don't like getting jittery and all hopped up on caffeine, it's got L. Theanine in there as well.

[A]

Jay, I know you.

[B]

First of all, you're looking jacked. I'm not saying this body bring coffee. I just know that your testosterone is through the roof. As manly as you've ever been. You don't even drink it.

[A]

You bathe in It.

[C]

I'm soaking my penis in it. But it has been doing something. I don't know what exactly. I'm not going to put it out there in writing because I don't want to get sued. But I'm telling you it's doing something.

[A]

It really does. I'll tell you right now.

[B]

Everyone loves it. Go give it a try. It comes in 30 day supplies and we're giving you a pretty incredible discount. Go to bodybraincoffee.com and use the promo code WAR25W A R25. You're going to save 25 off your order today. It's shipped right to your door. I think you guys will absolutely love it. It's great. Premium freeze dried Colombian coffee mixed with incredible adaptogens and nootropics that really help you feel physically and mentally stronger.

[C]

How's that Big J's promo code working out?

[B]

Oh that's right.

[A]

B I G. Jay Z will get you 26 big. Jeez. How's that working for me? It's doing good. People love it. Big jz It's a secret story wars code just for you guys. It's truly the best discount you can get on it in the world. World. The number one top exclusively from Big J.

[B]

Big JZ. 26% off today. All right, where were we?

[A]

Alex, Our final story. Story number eight.

[G]

Story number eight. I worry that I might be Eskimo brothers with Arty Fuqua. Because every hot girl I've ever hooked up with in New York is friends with him on Instagram.

[C]

Valerie. Now it's not.

[F]

I don't know who that is.

[C]

No, I believe you don't know who that is.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Val, Arty Fuqua, I've heard it. But I really don't know because every hawker.

[A]

I mean I think there's a chance I'm asking and I don't live in New York.

[C]

Everybody.

[A]

I would say there's. I'm very likely asking my brothers.

[C]

Everyone's probably Eskimo brothers with Artie Fuqua. He's got a 12 inch penis. He survived the Tracy Morgan coma. The guys Teflon.

[F]

Can you remind me what Eskimo brothers is?

[C]

You mean you both fuck with the same person?

[F]

Okay. Okay.

[D]

Wait. Val.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You know 12 inch penises?

[F]

Sure.

[D]

That's me. I call my dick the weeknd. Cause it's never long enough. I'm more like Labor Day. That was a no look joke. I didn't even look at you. Have you ever been with a woman?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You have? Okay.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Have you Ever been with a woman who wants to also be with a 12 inch penis black guy?

[F]

Wait, what?

[C]

Have you ever been with a woman who would also fuck a 12 inch dick black guy?

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

No follow up questions.

[D]

Wait, can I tell you guys what I did recently? You guys know Instacart? My Instacart dude was. Dude. Imagine a black guy that's so big that he takes up the full circle.

[C]

Done.

[D]

Like, like, like he, he's so big that he's like, yeah, you know, like. And I, I made him buy regular condoms for me on Instacart. I think that's so funny. There's no way he had to like.

[A]

Yeah, these ain't for me.

[E]

Yeah, he was definitely telling. He was like, I work for Instacart.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh yeah, dude.

[D]

He had to be like, scan the code. I swear. My magnums.

[C]

While we're at it, get my big ones here while I'm here.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. He probably put it his own order in there.

[A]

I'm getting big J vibes. He's voting for Pete Lee very quickly.

[C]

I feel like this is Pete.

[A]

I feel like he's gotten a little bit nervous with, with.

[D]

Well yeah, cuz I hook up with a lot of NYC chicks.

[C]

Yeah. Pete lays the dick down.

[A]

Pete Lee by the way, does load low key. Hook up with some hot chicks.

[D]

Can I also say in my defense that in, in my 47 years of life, which I've, I've, I've acquired some wealth. Like, like if you and I were together, people would be like, that guy's got a bug.

[F]

That's all I want is a boat. That's all I want is a boat.

[D]

I could get this one.

[C]

Pontoon.

[D]

I'd be bored with it. But yeah. I've only been single for nine months of my life since I was 15, so I'm doing a single year so. I know, I know. Not attractive, but a challenge.

[C]

The guy. Valerie, just so you know though, I don't know if you her but the guy fills up regular condoms. The whole thing rolls it all the way down. Probably even at least they're not extra small.

[D]

That dude black guys buy them for me.

[C]

Is that a thing? Are extra small condoms a thing?

[F]

I don't know. When I first met.

[C]

I don't think anybody would make though if you make extra small, if you purchase extra small condoms, it's the night you're hanging.

[F]

They would never, they would, they would never actually.

[C]

Le petites I I. That's the same night you put that on white satin and tying A noose.

[D]

I have. I have a theory that when. When somebody cuts you off, you're not supposed to say it. She goes, when I first met. And then you cut her off.

[F]

That's.

[D]

Don't say it.

[F]

It's better.

[D]

Don't say it.

[F]

I'm glad.

[D]

Don't say it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Don't say it. By the way, you weren't supposed to laugh on that. I just want to let her know a rule. She was. When I first met. And he goes, and don't say it.

[F]

Yep.

[A]

All right. This is either. This either.

[F]

Right? You're right.

[A]

Peter. Big J. This either Pete or Big J. New York guys been around the game for a long time. No Artie. Likely Eskimo brothers with them. I. The only thing is, I'm saying Big J, and this. I'm not even trying to take a shot at you right now. Your penis is so small that I'm saying, like, facts. So your penis is so tiny that I don't know that I would be comfortable admitting that I might be asking my brothers with Arty.

[C]

I know that's a strange deflection because I know from that one time that we. You showed it to me. Remember? When you and Justin were masturbating in front of me. Your penis was, like, problematic. No, James, James, James. It's not what you think, Uncle Justin.

[D]

This is a manipulation.

[C]

No, Uncle Justin. Your father thought it would be hilarious to have their wieners out when I came out of the bathroom once.

[A]

Hold on. Stop right there. It is. It is. Continue.

[C]

But I didn't know that your father's penis was out because his hand swallowed it. Like. I don't know. I'm sure you're fine because it comes from whatever. Your mom's dad's penis. Thank God.

[A]

It's like your hair.

[D]

Brian, who's not alive.

[A]

Yeah. The penis comes from the Mother's Day.

[C]

Thank God your hairline and penis are coming from your mother. Your mother's father, who I heard was doing all right.

[A]

Grandpa, sit at a hammer.

[C]

Grandpa Sydney.

[A]

He had a fucking hammer. So anyway, Pete Lee, Big J. Pete Lee, Big J. I'm going.

[C]

I might be.

[D]

Can I ask this, please? Do I have any chance of winning on this last point?

[A]

No.

[E]

Wait, you're going Big J.

[D]

Do I have any.

[A]

I'm going Big J.

[E]

So I'm going to go Pete. So one of us wins.

[A]

That's. You know what? That's a great way to do it. Or there is a tiebreaker as well, But. So if you want to do Big J. You can as well. But go Pete Lee, because that's a fun way to end the game.

[D]

Yeah, let's do that.

[A]

Big J. Over.

[C]

Do Pete Lee, dude. Do Pete Lee.

[F]

What should I do.

[A]

Val? Just sit there and look pretty, Val.

[C]

For the love of God.

[A]

You're doing fine, Val. You won. Okay?

[F]

I hope so.

[C]

Here's the book. Before the game's over. Just take it.

[A]

Beatley. Last one to vote. Probably because it's him.

[D]

Shut up. You've never invited me to Skank Festival.

[A]

That's not true. Wow. Well, I'll tell you right now, Pete Lee, if you submit next year, I will put in a good word with Rebecca Trent. There's no fee.

[D]

Can I say this?

[C]

$100 and a hotel room.

[D]

Somebody breaks our hurt. Dude, Big J and I have the same lawyer. Or same. Shut up. We. We have the same agent.

[C]

Agent.

[D]

We have the same agent. Justin Eber.

[A]

Come to. Will you do Skank Fest this year, please? You're. You're. You're in. You're 100% in.

[C]

By the way.

[D]

Wait, can I. Can I say this? Can I. Can I. You know that you know my martial arts background, right?

[C]

Play hardball, dude. Play hardball.

[A]

That's right. You did. You're not even lying about it. You actually have martial arts background.

[D]

Yeah, I. I was a national champion kickboxer. Champion in taekwondo and hapkido.

[C]

Really?

[E]

What?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm gonna tell you something, and I mean, this is a compliment. I would fight you in two seconds without even thinking about it. I'm. I'm saying, clearly, you might be able to beat the living out of me. I'm just saying, I wouldn't even think twice. It was like, let's go talk about it outside. And then I'll go be banged up like this and going, peely.

[A]

No, like, yo, Big J, Big J, Pete Le's looking for you.

[C]

What is he. Well, tell him where I'm at. And then he comes and my world up.

[D]

Honestly, Big J, I would let you punch me until I was on the ground. And I would never do anything to you a.

[C]

Until we kiss. Until it turns into a full blown makeout session.

[F]

His belly button.

[D]

Dude, I. I be like, zip.

[C]

He goes, God, how do you know what I like, Daddy?

[D]

But Lewis, can I say this, and I mean this, Fighter to fighter. I love you. And you.

[A]

You.

[D]

You know this. That there's never been more people that have gone like. Like, could you. Every time I tell people I have a martial arts background, they go, could you beat up Big, Big J. No, Lewis. They go, could you beat up Lewis? And I go, no. Cuz you trend train. Yeah, you train. And I haven't been trained in years.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And I recently won a fight against six cops. And. And I went to jail.

[E]

Wait, what?

[D]

Yeah, and I was exonerated.

[C]

And you were justified.

[D]

And I'm not. I'm not kidding you.

[C]

Did you guys almost kiss? Was that almost a French maker?

[D]

One of the kind. If I text him after this, he will pick me up. He's that good of a friend. But I'm so untrained. But everyone always holds. Like, by the way, Joe Rogan. Do you guys know him? Have you ever heard of him? He's a scientist.

[C]

From news radio.

[D]

Every time I tell people about my martial arts background. Cause I'm a nightmare. They don't even bring up Joe. They bring up you. They go, would you ever? And one time we're at the stand table and Derek Gaines and Marone Martin, and there was this racist guy, he was an Irish guy, and he was like, motherfuckers, I'm gonna beat you guys up. Cause they're both black and I won't say the words. And then we were sitting there fatherless.

[A]

What?

[D]

He can say that. Cause he's part of it. But I. I'm 47 and I would spar with you. Yeah, if we do it in a loving way.

[A]

But.

[E]

Dude, where did you fight six cops?

[C]

What the. How are you skipping over? That place is over something. Get that.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I recently won against six cops. But America's live next week.

[D]

Josh. I fought them in the pack past. Which you're familiar with.

[A]

Pete, are you. Are. Are you saying. Are you challenging me to a boxing match at Skank Fest? Is that what you're saying?

[D]

I am. And I. I hope. I want. I want to do a set. I want to do a set. I want to get my fat ass into shape.

[A]

Okay?

[D]

And I want us to have a respectful fight because everyone always. By the way, Pete. Viral moment.

[C]

Pete, I want you to know something real quick before you say this. And I want you to understand this. Lewis is my brother. Friends for over 20 years. We're entwined and work together in projects out the fucking wazoo. I would take a bullet for this guy. And I'm telling you, I'm rooting for you so hard to. I mean, just deliver the ass whooping of a lifetime to his face.

[E]

Wait, is it Marshall? Is it a Marshall Arts fight or boxing?

[C]

Oh, I hope it's guns. Yeah, you guys should have a Duel. Machete fight.

[A]

Pete, Pete, I'll tell you right now. Let's talk over. I'm. I'm actually looking for a boxing match at San Francis because I also need the reason to get back in shape.

[C]

Oh, you think you want Pete's ass super quick?

[A]

No, I'd say I think Pete is martial arts champion. He might be able to recognize.

[C]

Oh, that's sarcasm. That's not. He doesn't mean that.

[A]

Jay was in middle school. He was like, oh, he's talking shit about you.

[C]

Oh, hey, black guys. Those white guys are talking shit about you. I wouldn't.

[D]

I'm down with you guys, by the way. I don't give a fuck about getting my ass beat. I got my ass beat by the cops. And you know how they win? Handcuffs.

[E]

I thought you beat him up.

[D]

Yeah, I did until handcuffed.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Dude, Pete, let's talk about it.

[D]

It was shackles, and I. I was still winning.

[A]

Pete, let's talk about it after the show. We have to get your final vote. I love this. I'm very interested in this fight, but you're the last person to put up a name.

[D]

Louis. You're. You're a martial artist, right? So this. This is like S M, right? Like, do you. Do you guys know S M? You know, like, where you're like, yeah, yeah, but. But you know that this would be. This would be something that would be like. Like, we respect each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[F]

That's consensual, non consent.

[C]

Kill him, Pete. Give him everything you got. And I'll tell you what, if this is going down down, I'll announce right now, I am willing to fist fight Valerie Vaughn at Skankfest. Gloves, no headgear.

[D]

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[F]

How about mud wrestle? Let's do mud wrestle together.

[C]

I'm gonna try to just get you to 69 me.

[D]

A boy.

[C]

He keeps pulling me towards his face. Like, get over here, you.

[D]

Dude. Dude, that's so hot. All those cities, but you. You have a boyfriend that's, like, right here, right? Okay, well, then I can't say this.

[F]

Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it.

[D]

You and I. You and I fight. Respectfully.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And by the way, like, in the rules of sparring and fighting, and by the way, you can kick the out of me, and I'll actually be like, oh, my God, we're better friends. Yeah, I'm not kidding. I. Dude, I've been knocked around, and it'd be an honor.

[A]

I would love that you're trying to.

[E]

Or fight Dude.

[F]

Yeah. He never said it.

[C]

Pete, I want you to take that rental house burning down rage and deliver it all into this guy's face.

[D]

But the winner gets Valerie Vaughn.

[C]

Oh, nice. Complete ownership. I like that. I like that for one year, you old Valerie. Where's her boyfriend? Sorry. You have to make your own TV dinners to.

[D]

And can I say this sorry for the whole show. I'm so sorry. But we're taking her.

[C]

I'll be a g. But she's ours now.

[F]

I'll gladly. I'll gladly be a gimp, but I'll take it.

[D]

Lewis. Dude, Literally. People. People go like. Like, I've had 14 people in my life that I'm scared of.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And you don't even know it. You're number five.

[A]

I'm number five.

[D]

You're number five.

[C]

What makes me odd?

[F]

Better.

[C]

Kelly Clarkson's number five or four? That would have been funny if I.

[D]

Didn'T have the first time like this. Some people.

[A]

I accept. I accept your challenge. You're hammered. Write the name down of your final answer. It's the last story. They're waiting to start another show. We got to wrap it up.

[C]

The club has asked the other.

[D]

I know. Mike Cannon and Brendan Sagalo are here.

[C]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Mike Cannon, Bragalo, two former story worst competitors.

[C]

I can already tell the club. I can already tell the club did a thing where they were like, I don't know, shows going along, I guess. Go be a presence in there and see if it makes them move quicker. Unfortunately, Pete was facing away from them and just gave us a dissertation on wanting to fight.

[A]

Lewis, by the way, if it's Pete and he's taking this long to fucking vote, I'm gonna kill him.

[D]

What was the question?

[C]

New guy's leaving.

[A]

Oh, no. New guy. All right. Sweet. All right.

[C]

You see, I'm just going to do coke in the bathroom. I'll be right back.

[A]

Final vote.

[D]

Hold on, hold on. Hold, hold.

[F]

I have to pee so bad.

[D]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's like. It's like at the end.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete has finally put in his answer. All of our answers are in Alex, where are we at?

[G]

Holy.

[A]

Holy. Oh, no.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, no. Who was that?

[G]

The final story.

[A]

It was Josh 2.

[G]

Pete Lee.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Gallagher motherfucker.

[F]

That was good.

[C]

He's an animal.

[F]

That was so impressive.

[C]

That's what the cloth is for.

[D]

Oh, now it's story words.

[C]

Pete. I feel like I already probably know this story. Everyone's probably Eskimo brothers with Artie Fuqua. He laid them all out.

[D]

Yeah, it's like me and, like, one other lady.

[C]

You know who the girl was.

[D]

Oh, by the way, my beard is all wet.

[A]

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

[D]

I just want to say I agree. Agree. All right, no more for me.

[A]

You just got hammered seven minutes ago.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't even know where I'm at, but. But I do want to fight you. Respectfully.

[A]

Let's talk about it after the show. I agree. Respectfully.

[D]

Like, really respectfully.

[A]

Let's do it, Alex. Final scores. We're gonna wrap it up.

[G]

All right, our final score. In last place, with six points, Valerie Vaughn. In fourth place, with eight points, Pete Lee. In third place with 16 points, Big J. Okerson.

[C]

Oh, look at Christine. Doesn't even believe in that clap. She's like.

[G]

Second place. Scored 20 points. And your winner tonight with 24 points, Josh Wolf.

[C]

Yeah, Grandpa Josh Wolf.

[A]

Grandpa Josh Wolf.

[D]

And. But who is the real winner, guys?

[C]

Autographed by N. Thompson herself.

[D]

Wow. I was trying to.

[A]

Josh, you also can now trigger double points.

[C]

Everybody wins.

[A]

Vel, my son is here.

[D]

My future son is here.

[C]

Yo, dude, your son thinks we are so awesome right now. James, just so you know, when you're not around, we can do that whenever we want. Just make girls do that.

[A]

That's just part of life. We're pretty much rock stars.

[C]

It doesn't even matter. Well, you want to see these two girls? All right. You're lucky. I'm not going to do it, but I would if they wanted to. These two girls, just rip them off in two seconds. It's crazy.

[D]

We're doing a thing. We're doing a thing.

[A]

He'S trying to do.

[C]

Ah. How about it for your newest story, warrior Josh Wolf.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Guys. Thank you so much for coming out to the Story Wars Live at the New York Conference Club. We really appreciate you guys being here. Come every Wednesday night. We're sold out every week, so get your tickets in advance. You guys are the. Thank you so much. Have a great night. Good night.

[C]

Valerie Vaugh, Pete Lee. Your newest story, warrior Josh Wolf. We'll catch you guys next time. Good night.