058. Ryan Long, Monroe Martin, & Scott Chaplain | Loss

Summary

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Story Warz Ep. 058: Ryan Long, Monroe Martin & Scott Chaplain | Loss

Date: September 12, 2025
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Ryan Long, Monroe Martin, Scott Chaplain
Location: LIVE from The Stand Comedy Club, NYC

Episode Overview

This episode of Story Warz revolves around the theme of "Loss," with hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez joined by comedians Ryan Long, Monroe Martin, and Scott Chaplin. The group competes in a raucous, storytelling-based game where deception and deduction are key. Each participant submitted secret stories about loss, and the panel tries to guess the author of each tale. The episode is filled with hilarious banter, wild life stories, jokes about trauma and masculinity, and the dark humor typical of the Story Warz show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meet the Panel & Game Explanation

• Panel Introduction & Vibe (03:12–06:33)

  • Ryan Long returns for his third appearance, aiming for his first win (“No, I did the opposite of win both times.” – Ryan, 05:04).
  • Scott Chaplin and Monroe Martin both make their debut. Monroe’s foster care background and “rolling 88 Crip” jokes set an irreverent tone.
  • The panel instantly begins riffing on each other’s misfortunes and the stereotypes attached to them.

• How the Game Works (06:39–07:44)

  • Each comedian submitted 3–5 personal (or fabricated) stories about loss.
  • Stories are read anonymously. The group guesses the storyteller; points awarded for correct guesses and successful deception.
  • The winner receives the satirical book, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety.

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2. Round One: "Where’s My Car?"

• Story: Someone reports their car stolen but realizes four days later it was just parked, only to have it actually stolen soon after.
• Panel Analysis:
  • Jay, Lewis, and Scott speculate wildly whether it’s a Louis-style tale or if Scott is “dippy enough to forget.”
  • Ryan reveals the story is his, after the panel is convinced it’s Scott (16:03).
  • Highlight: “When I went to get my car, they had a bag—just one Limp Bizkit CD. And it wasn’t my CD!” (Ryan, 16:13)
  • Result: Ryan fools everyone and scores the max, taking the early lead.

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3. Round Two: "Missing Phone Meltdown"

• Story: Someone misplaces their phone at home and gets so anxious, they suspect friends of stealing it.
• Panel Banter:
  • Anxiety over phones, cheating paranoia, and private photos are all discussed.
  • Jay admits the story is his and recounts spiraling into panic at home, snapping at friends over a lost phone (25:25).
  • Memorable Quote: “As soon as I found my phone, I collapsed on the couch—those two guys didn’t have to ask what was wrong.” (Jay, 25:57)

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4. Round Three: "Jumped by Family in the Suburbs"

• Story: In a new neighborhood, someone is jumped by family late at night.
• Panel Banter:
  • Monroe’s foster care past is hotly debated; Jay and Lewis joke that this is his “origin story.”
  • Monroe reveals it happened when a foster family jumped him after he damaged their above-ground pool (32:35).
  • Highlight: “I thought the coast was clear…but they pulled up in a minivan and got me.” (Monroe, 33:01)

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5. Round Four: "Tourette’s Excuse at the Post Office"

• Story: Someone loses their temper at the post office, claims to have Tourette’s to get empathy.
• Panel Guessing:
  • The hosts think it’s too much of a cop-out to be Lewis, as “he’d want the lady to know it was her fault.”
  • But it WAS Lewis, and he reveals he deployed the excuse that very day to avoid a confrontation (41:52).
  • Quote: “I got so angry, I started twitching and f***ing shaking…I actually have Tourette’s.” (Lewis, 43:35)
  • Big Jay’s recurring joke: “If it’s Lewis, I’ll kill myself on stage!” (40:54)

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6. Scores & Second Half Rules Reveal

• Midpoint Standings (45:07):
  1. Lewis: 7 points
  2. Ryan/Scott: 6 points
  3. Jay: 4 points
  4. Monroe: 0 points (poised for a record low…)
• Double Points for the final four stories—anyone can catch up (50:17).

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7. Round Five: "Don’t Call Things at the Funeral Gay"

• Story: A kid is warned at a funeral not to use the word “gay,” after learning of a relative’s sexuality.
• Panel Debates:
  • Jay and Lewis joke about Scott’s “cop family,” predicting it’s his story.
  • Scott nervously confirms, recounting being warned after overusing “gay” the night before a funeral, and realizing half his family was closeted (59:30).
  • Memorable Line: “Dad, tell Scott who’s gay in the family…” (Scott, 60:42)

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8. Round Six: "Nuts Smashed While Dancing"

• Story: During a wild dance, someone’s testicles get smashed, leading to fertility issues.
• Panel Discussion:
  • Speculation over who’s both “vulnerable to nut trauma” and attentive enough to visit a doctor.
  • Monroe owns up—at 21, at a Philly dancehall, a skinny girl’s gyrations left him bruised and with medical issues (69:31).
  • Quote: “She was dancing with me and was smashing my balls to the point where they were swollen…caused varicocele…had to get surgery.” (Monroe, 71:04)

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9. Round Seven: "The Glass Eye Heirloom"

• Story: Someone inherits a glass eye after a family member loses an eye in a shooting accident.
• Panel Reactions:
  • Jay and Lewis initially guess Ryan (“sounds Canadian”), but it's Scott again.
  • Scott floors the room by showing the actual glass eye on camera (80:06).
  • Highlight: “It’s a little bloodshot too—so it’s definitely related.” (Scott, 80:33)

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10. FINAL ROUND: "Racing My Friend’s Dad—Never Winning"

• Story: As a kid, someone is repeatedly challenged by a friend's dad to races and never allowed to win.
• Speculation:
  • Heavy debate between Jay and Monroe as prime suspects, but the tale fits Ryan’s “trauma via adults” motif.
  • Ryan confirms it was him—the friend’s dad, a coked-up ex-con, forced kids to race and always celebrated his wins (89:24).
  • Highlight: “Turns out he was, like, a crazy cokehead—he was just on coke the entire time forcing 8-year-olds to race.” (Ryan, 89:41)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Jay’s lost phone anxiety: “I was flipping cushions, searching holes… as soon as I found my phone, I collapsed on the couch in relief.” (Jay, 25:57)
• On Monroe’s family attack: “I thought the coast was clear…But then they pulled up in the minivan and got me.” (Monroe, 33:13)
• On Lewis lying about Tourette’s: “She was like, nah honey, I ain’t the one. And I was like, I actually have Tourette’s—it’s an affliction.” (Lewis, 43:35)
• On Scott’s “gay at the funeral” warning: “My sisters were like, Dad, tell Scott who’s gay in the family!” (Scott, 60:42)
• On Scott’s glass eye keepsake: “It’s a little bloodshot too—so it’s definitely related.” (Scott, 80:33)
• On Ryan’s cokehead racing nemesis: “He was just on coke the entire time…forcing 8-year-olds to race.” (Ryan, 89:41)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Time | Segment / Story | |--------------|--------------------------------------| | 03:12–07:44 | Panel intro & game rules | | 09:22–16:27 | Story 1: Forgotten/Stolen Car (Ryan) | | 19:43–25:57 | Story 2: Missing Phone Panic (Jay) | | 27:33–33:15 | Story 3: Jumped by Family (Monroe) | | 36:40–43:47 | Story 4: Tourette’s at Post Office (Lewis) | | 51:01–60:25 | Story 5: Don’t Call the Funeral Gay (Scott)| | 64:31–71:19 | Story 6: Smashed Nuts Dance (Monroe) | | 73:27–80:49 | Story 7: The Glass Eye (Scott) | | 83:04–89:50 | Story 8: Race with Friend’s Dad (Ryan) | | 90:32–93:37 | Final Scores & Story Warrior Induction |

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Final Scores & Winner

• Winner: RYAN LONG (26 points – near all-time high; “Started from the bottom, now we’re here!” 92:44)
• Runner up: Lewis J. Gomez (19 points)
• 3rd Place: Scott Chaplin (16 points)
• 4th Place: Big Jay Oakerson (8 points)
• Last Place / New Show Record: Monroe Martin (2 points—nearly a perfect zero, only saved by Jay’s inattention!)

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Episode Tone & Style

True to Story Warz, this episode is a riotous blend of dark humor, self-deprecating trauma stories, competitive trash-talk, and the unique camaraderie of New York comedians. The show delivers raw, hilarious moments and relentless ball-busting that veers into surprisingly heartfelt or vulnerable territory—before instantly pivoting back into relentless joshing.

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Standout Episode Moments

1. Scott’s live reveal of a real family glass eye. (80:06)
2. Lewis’s in-the-moment confession about lying for empathy at the post office. (41:52)
3. Ryan’s tale of never beating a coked-out adult in a childhood race, highlighting his underdog arc. (89:41)
4. Jay’s detailed embarrassment over losing and misplacing his phone in front of friends. (25:57)
5. Monroe’s many “origin stories,” including being jumped by family and taking a literal physical loss on the dance floor. (33:13, 71:04)

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Conclusion

Story Warz 058 is a wild, joke-packed ride brimming with stories of loss—some minor, some life-changing, all made hilarious by the chemistry and dark wit of the panel. Ryan Long finally secures a win, Scott Chaplin reveals new depths of family weirdness, Monroe Martin sets a record low, and everyone leaves their dignity at the door. If you want raw comedy, fierce competition, and a glimpse into the world of comics who love to roast each other and themselves, this is Story Warz at its best.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[C]

Hey Story Warriors Merch is available right now at story wars merch.com We've got a whole bunch like the double points, the logo and so much more.

[B]

And until the end of the month, one lucky fan is going to get two free all access VIP passes to Skank Fest New Orleans. So if you've purchased anything in the past or anything during the month of September, you are automatically entered. That could be from Story Wars Legion of Skanks regs or the Gas Digital Merch page. You will get an entry into the contest. Plus, we're going to be doing a special VIP meet and greet at Skank Fest for fans who show up in merch. Get yours [e-mail] that story wars with a Z merch.com what's going on story warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[C]

Don't be a piece of shit. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun.

[B]

Buck face New York comedy club.com all right story warriors, before we start today's show, we want to thank Yo Kratom for being a longtime supporter of the show. Yo.com is home of the $60 kilo and has the best high quality kratom in the world with the absolute best price. We're not telling you to get started using kratom. We're saying if you're already using kratom and it's already benefiting your life, Yom is the way to go.

[C]

$60 kilos, high quality, lab tested, delivered right to your door. Get your kratom now. Support the show that supports the comedy you love. All right, let's start this.

[D]

Fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the GAS Digital network.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with.

[E]

The Story warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J.

[B]

Going back.

[C]

Yeah. What is up, New York Comedy club? Welcome to Story Wars. Can you make some noise in here tonight for us, please?

[B]

Hell yeah. Another sold out show, Story wars right here at the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night. If you guys are in the New York area or visiting, please come hang out with us at Story. But buy those tickets in advance cause we have been selling out. Thank you, guys.

[C]

Always be closing.

[B]

Always be closing.

[C]

Lewis is always closing, everybody. Welcome to Story wars here. This is packed house. How many people here we ask every week, how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[B]

Besides this black guy, how many people are not familiar with Sorry Wars? Couple guys. Couple guys here. He looks so confused. Well, I'll tell you right now, he's getting pissed. Is that Raja Jackson? Holy shit.

[C]

Don't fuck me up.

[B]

Sir, please calm down, sir. I don't know what a problem with.

[C]

You, by the way. If somebody jumped on top of you and started punching your unconscious face, I would just go the wrestling. Stop them. I go, no, they're wrestling. We will explain the game to anybody here who was unfamiliar after we get our amazing panel up here on the this stage. Okay, our first contestant coming to the stage, absolutely hilarious. He has a special right now called Problem solved on YouTube and you know him from his podcast, the Boys Cast. How about it for the hilarious Ryan Long? Long.

[B]

Ryan, very happy to have you back on Story Wars. Is this your second or third opinion?

[D]

Third hat trick.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

This is it. You haven't won yet though, right?

[D]

New mic covers too, eh? Happy to be back with the boys and the upgrades. No, I did the opposite of win both times.

[B]

Dead last.

[C]

Okay, that's called J in it. J in it hard.

[B]

Redemption is coming your way, Ryan, our second competitor making his Story wars debut. He's a hilarious comedian and podcaster, regular on all the Gas digital podcasts. Clap it up as I just can for the one and only Scott Chaplin. Let him hear it. Let him hear it.

[C]

Oh, Scott Chapman, she's gonna get up in your guts. Scott Chaplin. He's gonna bust your back. That was very sensual. Thank you. Thank you. The intro was so nice.

[B]

Very sexy.

[C]

Our final contestant, last but not least, he's got a special on YouTube right now called live from Nairobi, Kenya. Make some noise for the hilarious Philadelphia Zone, Monroe Martin in.

[B]

Also Monroe's first time on Story Wars. We're very happy to have you here, my friend.

[C]

Yeah, I'm happy to be here.

[E]

Holy shit.

[C]

It's great. This is an amazing, amazing panel. That's right. Red mic covers. Ryan noticed that also. You said nothing, Scott.

[F]

I liked it.

[B]

I don't know how much you have a little appreciation for color.

[C]

Scott, for the love of God, for anybody here who is unfamiliar with the show. That black guy, right?

[B]

Yep.

[C]

And then for anybody listening at home, for the first time, Story war is a very simple game. Everybody on this panel, including Louis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, loss.

[B]

You live, you lose, folks.

[C]

So astute.

[B]

Real astute.

[C]

Real astute. Our lovely producer Alex is going to read eight of those stories one at a time. You will see it here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool people that it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[B]

And every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points for every person you fool on the panel. If it is your story, you get one point so you can win up to four points. If it's your story, once you write the answer on the dry erase board. Put the dry erase board in the. Remove your hand. That's it. That's your final answer. You can't change it. I'll tell you right now, it's a ton of fun. We're always. We always have fun here in Story wars, but we don't play for fun, sir. That's not what we're playing for.

[C]

No, no, no.

[B]

Not just points either. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[C]

Every week, sir. Every week, sir. Every week here at Story wars, we are playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner of story awards goes home with how to talk to your cat about gun safety by The American association of Patriots. Using a whimsical premise, the author parodies extreme political rhetoric and fear mongering by applying these controversial societal issues to the lives of cats. This book hilariously uses a straight faced Q and A format to address absurd questions such as do cats really like to play with guns? And what's the proper age to teach my cat about gun safety?

[B]

One of my favorites.

[C]

That's a biggie, actually. This book shaped a lot of Lewis's young years. It's true. It is going to be a very, very fun one. And I think I'm ready. Is this crowd ready for war? Is this crowd ready for war? That's better. And with no further ado, Alexandra. Story number one.

[G]

Story number one. I thought my car was stolen and I reported it to the police. Four days later, I remembered that I had just left it in a parking lot. Within weeks, the car was actually stolen and nobody would believe me.

[B]

A classic with the boy who cried wolf.

[C]

What does it say about me that I thought it was Monroe, then I thought it wasn't Monroe, and then came back to thinking it was Monroe by the end?

[B]

Again, yeah, that was racist.

[C]

It was a real roller coaster.

[F]

Well, cops didn't arrest him, so it's not Monroe.

[C]

He wasn't even there.

[B]

I mean, Scott. Scott grew up in Jersey City. It's a shitty area. Scott has shitty cars that are easily stealable. I've known Scott a long time.

[F]

Can I say something? I really needed you to drive to Baltimore two weekends ago. We used my car and it doesn't work.

[D]

Voice is cracking.

[C]

There.

[F]

Doesn't work anymore.

[B]

Oh, your car's done. It broke down.

[F]

It's pretty much done. I got to spend some money.

[B]

2006 BMW.

[F]

2007 BMW. It was gifted to me by a. A man named Muhammad. And then it blew up. Go figure, right? But.

[B]

Some would say that car is the bomb.

[C]

You get don't get gifted.

[D]

BMW, Momomo problems.

[C]

That's dangerous. I don't think there's a lot of car theft in Canada.

[D]

I would never call the cops, so it's obviously not me.

[C]

See, I would assume that you might have an okay relationship with cops. Maybe not, though.

[B]

Well, they're Mounties, so they show up on a horse.

[D]

It's Ryan again.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

I think if you read every sentence and realize the person was furious the entire time and that's why. That's why there was confusion about the car. It's, where's my car?

[C]

Where the fuck's my car?

[F]

And then it's, oh, My car's fine. And then it's like, oh, my car was stolen and nobody believes me.

[D]

It was written in a grown man far calmer to four times.

[C]

Well, in a year, Scott, it seems like you're playing my favorite game, a sub game here at Story wars called It's Always Lewis.

[B]

If you just read every story as me, they all kind of.

[C]

They're all Lewis. These stories are always about what, crazy? Yeah, it's. It's always probably Lewis.

[B]

Yeah. So I will say, Jay, you know this. We know each other probably. We just talked earlier. We've been working together for nearly 20 years now. You know this. I've never had a car stolen. I just got it. I just want to drive.

[C]

I don't know that for sure ever. But, I mean, you weren't. You were not a driver for so long.

[B]

Yeah, I just started driving again like three or four years ago when I moved out to Jersey. Before that, when I was. I drive drove from 16 to 19, the shittiest cars on the planet. Nobody's stealing any of the cars that I got. So I'm out, guys. Trust me.

[D]

Although I'm not really that good of it. Yeah, my car was too shitty to steal.

[E]

Yeah, I got to say, it was a nice.

[C]

Shitty cars are easy to steal people's car. This very much could be Lewis.

[D]

I couldn't have fucked her. She was gross.

[F]

All right, well, we got our answer.

[C]

There's nothing I could have. I can't even put myself in a mental space to think for four full days. I wouldn't have remembered that it was. I parked in a parking lot. Like, I can't even think of the scenario that this happened in. He parked, went somewhere, went to a parking lot, parked, and then decided to walk home and forgot. It doesn't make any sense to me.

[B]

Jay, have you ever had a car stolen? I think you have, right?

[C]

I've had a car broken into and stolen. Kurt Metzger parked my fucking car in a towaway zone and it was gone. And then when we called all the tow places and they're like, we don't have your car. Realized then it was stolen. He would have gotten it towed had it not been stolen. Yeah, they stole it. And then when they found it, I had my first headshots ever. I mean, a real like. And there was a stab. It was like stabbed into the dashboard. And my joke book was missing. So if you see some punk fucking thug from Camden, New Jersey out there ripping shit with his fat white jokes.

[B]

And that was when Jay gave up on writing jokes.

[C]

Why someone's gonna just take him. Hurting my hand, writing all day like an idiot for some piece of shit.

[E]

Is gonna come take it anyway.

[B]

I don't know why this story is screaming Scott Chaplin to me still. And I also feel like he was very quick to be like, I think we got our answer. Everyone ready? Looking at everyone in the face, getting a little fucking hambony.

[F]

This is. I've seen. This is Louis. Whatever you just did and put it on me. I think you've done that before behind my back, and I think it's fucking you.

[C]

No, that was Scott.

[F]

You know, the guy who. Yeah, it was his condom in the backseat of the car. Listen, you cunt. Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Louis is the person. This sounds like something you do. I would know the story about you. I feel like. And Scott doesn't feel like he's. I'm trying to look at who's dippy enough to forget they parked their car. It's.

[B]

Scott's a pothead. He's.

[C]

Is he? No, I'm not.

[F]

I'm sober.

[B]

Are you? No, no.

[F]

He literally, we smoke while I'm driving. I go, please don't smoke in my car. He goes, fear here, idiot. What are you talking about? All right, I got my answer.

[B]

Pothead Scott Chaplin.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

For getting this car in a goddamn parking lot like a goddamn stoner.

[C]

You're not wrong.

[B]

Look, I convinced everyone, too. God, I'm good at this game. I'm really good at this game.

[D]

The Jersey maniac. Yeah, it's a Jersey story.

[B]

It's a Jersey story. All day long. Big parking lots, lots of cars, lots of car thieves. That's my drop. It was a wonderful car.

[C]

Dude, you should really work on a trump. No one's covering that.

[B]

My Trump rules.

[C]

Yeah, it does. It's good.

[B]

I'm voting for Scott.

[E]

All day.

[B]

Alex. All of our answers are in.

[G]

Well, well, well.

[B]

Oh, oh.

[G]

Story number one.

[B]

It's Monroe belongs to.

[E]

I don't. That the cops was Ryan Long. Holy shit.

[C]

It was right there. It was right there.

[E]

Big J.

[F]

It is I.

[D]

Who is dippy enough to do that.

[B]

This was in Canada or after you moved?

[D]

Yeah. This is Toronto, by the way. This is the funniest part. So when I went to get my car, they had, like. Cause when they dropped it off, they took it for two weeks, drove it around like joy, rode it, left it in a parking garage. That's where I got it. And they had to go pick up my stuff, and they had a bag of my stuff, and it was Just one Limb Bizkit cd. And here's the thing.

[C]

It was desert island, right?

[D]

Yeah. And it wasn't my cd, but none of the cops believed that either. So whoever stole my car brought his own Limp Bizkit getaway music. Cause he can only steal cars. He said she said bullsh.

[B]

Great story, Ryan Long. Good.

[D]

Oh, and I will.

[E]

Nervous energy, though. He was shaking, so I was like, it was you?

[D]

It was at the corner. It was a corner comedy club. I went to the comedy club, parked around the corner in a church parking lot, and then out over the course of the night, forgot that I had driven, got a ride home, and then the next morning was like, where's my car? It should be in my parking spot. I forgot all about.

[B]

Were you hammered?

[D]

No.

[F]

He doesn't count ketamine as hammered.

[C]

Just like a flighty chick.

[D]

Yes, that's correct. Yeah, that's the scenario we're dealing with.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you right now, you did a great job fooling everybody. I mean, I already know the point spread, but Alex, let everyone know where our points are at.

[G]

All right? On the scoreboard. All alone. In first place with four points, Ryan Long.

[B]

Very, very solid start. Ryan. Ryan Notorious. I mean, I think he has maybe the lowest score in Story wars history.

[D]

Not great at the game.

[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

Then I wanted ball deodorant for you.

[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

Are we gonna get sued? 20 off site wide, plus free shipping. Shopmando.com use that promo code wars with a Z. All right, where were we? Alex? Story number two.

[G]

Story number two. I once couldn't find my phone in my own home and became so nervous that I began to turn on my friends who were visiting.

[E]

Ryan. It happened the same time when you lost your car.

[D]

Who's playing Snake on my Fido phone?

[B]

Here's the thing. I mean, I know Big J is very strange about his phone. He was, back in the day, a notorious cheater. So I'm assuming the anxiety. And I. As am I. I'm not.

[C]

You love giving people your phone.

[B]

I mean, look, I know the anxiety, though, when you're a notorious cheater. If you lose your phone, you're like.

[C]

Why don't you unlock your phone? Just let the front row take a peek.

[B]

Jay, you won't even let me look at your phone right now.

[C]

Correct.

[B]

But I'm saying that I could see you being very nervous that you left your phone open. Maybe your chick had it.

[D]

A lot of flaccid dick pics.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How do you leave the phone open.

[B]

Then you start freaking out at everyone in your house? Jay also loves his friends. He invites people over. He loves gatherings. He loves Juggalos.

[C]

You're selling me too hard.

[F]

It's the friends we're visiting part, though.

[C]

That's what makes me think it was Jay.

[D]

He would call them acquaintances. Yeah, Employees.

[B]

So I. I had a lot of interns over this past weekend.

[C]

My intern slash punching bag slash drivers slash cooks. I mean, if it's like, nervous, is the funny, like nervous? I guess that's what I'm saying, Louis. You had, like, such a scenario played out.

[D]

It's also a. It's a high scenario, too, by the way. This is clearly high.

[B]

Paranoid.

[F]

Paranoid, yeah.

[D]

Which is Scott.

[C]

I mean, what Lewis is describing is very correct. I definitely wouldn't want. Wouldn't have wanted my chick just willy nilly with my phone for sure.

[D]

As opposed to every other guy who would love it.

[C]

Yeah, no, no guy would love it. I guess that's the idea. It's like so nervous. That's what I'm saying. Like the nervous thing.

[B]

If I. If I leave, even if I lost my phone, it's not even any. It's not even my girl. I assume that I might have left it open and that it's so exposed. The amount of dick pics my.

[F]

Well, then you'd be nervous.

[B]

I'd be extremely nervous.

[C]

That's a great headbutting walls. There's a great body cam thing of them going on a boat and getting ready to arrest a guy and his chicks there. And they go, give her your phone. Give your phone. Just throws it in the water. No, no, the one I saw, he just chucks. He jumped in the water, dude, with his phone.

[B]

You remember that? He jumped in the water.

[C]

It might be a different thing. The last all. He just goes. They go, you give me my phone. He goes, nah, it's all right. He's like, if it comes, I'd rather buy a new phone.

[B]

I would bite it in half here.

[C]

As I said, if I was ever laying bloody, dying on the ground, I'd go throw my computer in a fire. Clear all of my history.

[B]

I remember I was dating a girl once, and then she sent me like images of her on a bridge being like, I'm gonna kill myself because you won't be with me. And then I was cheating on my girlfriend there at the time. And then I was like. I was like, fuck, dude. I was like, if she kills herself, I have to get to her body to get her phone to remove all of the evidence of me cheating on my girlfriend.

[C]

What bridge is that?

[F]

You're jumping in water, right?

[D]

Plus I have to change your ID to 18.

[C]

Hey, kid, what are you doing?

[B]

Ryan votes early. Ryan thinks it's Scott. Why do you think it's Scott? Oh, sorry. That's your last. That is your. You left it up there. Please, please don't think it's Scott.

[D]

I might be putting him back on there.

[B]

I'm not getting Scott vibes at all. Scott is a pretty calm, cool, and collected guy. Monroe. Cool as a fucking cucumber. God damn it. Monroe acts like he plays jazz music.

[C]

He does. He plays trombone like a genius. Never a lesson in his life. The guy Is pure jazz.

[B]

Let's see. Oh, we got some votes going. Ryan Monroe votes Ryan Long.

[D]

Monroe here.

[B]

Scott Chaplin votes for bj. Ryan Long votes for Monroe. Why?

[E]

Monroe by me.

[D]

Silent for one.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

I feel like you guys would have had spicy. I feel like you guys would have had spicier stories than this.

[C]

Possible.

[B]

Maybe you would have spruced it up a little bit.

[C]

I fought Monroe right away.

[B]

I just know how nervous Jay gets around his phone. Dude, please waste your vote.

[C]

It is always Louis done. Say no more.

[B]

Jay's able to waste his vote because it's him. Go ahead, Alex.

[C]

Two points for Jay.

[B]

Hip, hip hooray, Alex.

[G]

Story number two belongs to big J Okerson.

[C]

Wait, two points for Jay.

[E]

Yeah, you voted J too.

[C]

I nailed it. I mean, Lewis, you basically just told the story. I remember I had Julian McCullough and Sean O' Connor at my house. Sean's first time in my house, Julian was like. And they came over to watch, like, I think an Eagles playoff game or something. And it was just one of those. I smoked a bunch of weed, and I remember just going to smoke, like, all my. Remember the balcony on the place in Queens? I was on the balcony smoking, and I just went like, oh, let me. I haven't checked my. You know, sunk into this game for a while. And I was like, hmm, hmm. Okay. I mean, cigarette immediately flicked. And I'm in the house calling out my ex's name. Cause you're trying to gauge for a grand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, what's up? She's, like, upstairs. Like, oh, God. It was, like, too even tone that I couldn't tell if she was like, nothing and just going through it. And I mean. And my. And the guys that were there were like, you need help looking for something? Because I'm like, flipping cushions and shit and, like, you know, looking for something.

[B]

Holes into the walls, looking in the holes.

[C]

And I mean, I lose. I was like, I'm fine. Watch the game. It's fine. I just got a fucking figure something. And then it was just in, like, the side cushion of a couch knife. And it was just the energy shift. And those two guys.

[B]

I'm getting anxious thinking about this story right now.

[C]

Those two guys, like, when they saw what they didn't. I didn't have to explain anything. I was short and shitty with them for a second. And then when I found my phone and they saw me, like, collapse on the couch in like, a. They were like. They were like, oh, yeah, okay.

[B]

Alex, where are our points at?

[E]

God damn.

[G]

All right. On the Scoreboard. In last place with zero points, Monroe Martin.

[E]

Wait, I'm the only one with zero?

[B]

Get the out of here.

[G]

Tied for second place with two points each, Lewis J. Gomez, Big J. Okerson, and Scott Chaplin.

[C]

Oh, can that be our new high five? The turkey. No, you do the hand. No, you do a hand. Turkey.

[B]

Well, that's fun. Turkey. Turkey. Is that ours now? Nobody's done that.

[C]

It's probably been done a thousand times.

[B]

Nobody's done it.

[C]

Never like this. Oh, dude. Turkey.

[B]

By the way, that is now part of a story. Where's the lore? Yes, dude. Story. Lore. And in first place, in the lead.

[G]

With four points, Ryan Long.

[D]

Huge news for my cat.

[B]

All right. It is truly anybody's game. Alex. Story number three.

[G]

Story number three.

[B]

Sorry.

[G]

I wonder. I once got jumped by family members in the middle of the night in a suburban neighborhood, and nobody helped me.

[C]

I mean, Monroe, this sounds like a fucking.

[E]

You're so mean.

[C]

It's an origin story. What?

[E]

That didn't even make no sense.

[C]

This is the ashes that you rose.

[F]

Up from a suburban neighborhood. You mean our neighborhood?

[B]

What? He was like, I was in a neighborhood with a bunch of white people.

[C]

But the rest of us. Whatever that means. Neighborhood.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I'm also. I didn't grow up in a suburban neighborhood at all. I grew up right in the city. West Philly. So I.

[E]

West Philly. Oh, I thought.

[C]

But you were in. I know your story. But you were in foster care, and you were shuffled around all over. Listen, Louis.

[E]

Because it sounds like it was his cousins.

[C]

Absolutely. But, Louis, all of his family members, I believe, were murdered outside. Damn. Turkey, turkey, turkey. In bad neighborhoods. So I don't. This is not Lewis.

[F]

But the family members thing, he was a. He's. He was a foster kid, so he's got no family members.

[B]

So that is the only jump by.

[C]

But every time.

[F]

Imaginary friends.

[C]

Every time. Every time he was unwanted by another family, they would ship him to another family. And for just that first night, he would go, are you guys my family forever now? And they'd go, sure, kiddo. And then the next morning, their white kid would be like, who's the black guy in my room? And they're like, get out of here, you piece of shit. And that and this and just that, on and on until. And just. And all that over and over again until he graduated high school. It was just a series of that, over and over.

[B]

Monroe was like the Blind side, except he couldn't play football.

[C]

They kept trying. He was. You got to get under the pads, under the pads. He's like, I don't know. It's not. My mechanics aren't good for it. Oh, what a waste of an adoption. He's like, I'm very interested in science. He goes, yeah, a black scientist. That'll be great. Fantastic. Instead of a fucking off tackle.

[B]

Yeah. Monroe, I mean, I gotta be honest with you. As I'm looking at everyone on this panel, I just couldn't imagine it being anybody else. And it's not racism, it's just that. No, it's the family members jumping you.

[D]

Louis, you're also not white.

[E]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's why I'm like, why wouldn't it be, Louis?

[C]

He's right.

[E]

Then you grow up in like, Lewis is white.

[D]

It's not.

[C]

Lewis isn't white.

[E]

Lewis isn't white. Oh, Lewis isn't white, by the way. Lewis isn't white.

[C]

By the way.

[E]

Lewis isn't white.

[C]

When Lewis lays in bed at night and finds himself not being able to fall asleep, that's what he just hears over and over again in his head. Louis goes, I am way in the thing. No, leave me alone.

[D]

Voices takes the clan hood up.

[B]

I mean, my instinct to scream in Monroe Martin. Maybe I'm wrong here. This is my vote, Monroe.

[D]

The foster care thing's that one up for me.

[B]

But I will say his sister was in foster care with him as well, so I think he was. Some sister jumped you? Separate.

[E]

Separate home, separate homes.

[F]

Jumped him into the family.

[C]

Oh, dude. And that's why Monroe is a rolling 88 Crip.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

I do know for a fact that Monroe is a rolling 88 Crip. And that's probably maybe how he got in. I'm gonna go Monroe for that reason.

[F]

I know. I feel like I could really see Jay getting jumped by his cousins.

[D]

Someone would help him though. He's pathetic.

[C]

Christ's sakes, pull somebody off of him. He's pathetic.

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in, whose story was this?

[G]

Story number three belongs to Monroe Martin.

[D]

I think he could have sold the foster care harder.

[C]

He was the only person bright eyed and bushy tailed about suburbs. He was like, things are gonna be all right here. And then he got jumped by a bunch of hillbillies in the middle of the night.

[E]

They're like, we have trees.

[B]

So which family members jumped you, Monroe?

[E]

So I was like 17 years. I just moved into this new home and they locked me out of the house because I came home too late. Like they had like a curfew and I got there like an hour late. And I got mad and I like fucking, like, kicked the whole. Accidentally kicked the hole in the fucking.

[B]

You don't have to lie to us. We know it wasn't an accident.

[E]

It was an accident.

[F]

He thinks he's talking to the suicide dude.

[C]

You fucking took them down?

[E]

No, I kicked the fucking hole in the pool.

[B]

In the pool.

[C]

Above grounds?

[E]

Yes, above ground.

[C]

They were trash anyway.

[E]

And I kicked the hole in the hole. Dude, that's Atlanta.

[C]

Learned them.

[B]

I was like, these other little foster kids were like, you destroyed our pool.

[C]

We're foster kids. The bulk rail pool was the best.

[E]

It'S ever gonna get. So then I left and I thought the coast was clear. I was like 10 blocks away. But then they pulled up in the minivan and got me. They got me.

[B]

And they jumped you?

[E]

They jumped us.

[B]

Like real. Like real. Beat you up.

[D]

Odoyo rules in.

[C]

How do you lure him in? He goes, son, hug me. No, I think it's a trick. You're my son. I forgive you. I forgive anything. You're my son. You're not my son.

[E]

Uppercut to the gut.

[C]

Oh, take that. Somebody else's son.

[E]

A stone cold stunner.

[B]

Oh. All right. So practicing wrestling moves on you, three stories down. Give us our points. Alan, Alex.

[G]

All right. In last place with zero points, Monroe Martin.

[E]

I believe white people.

[B]

I believe.

[E]

I'm like, no, you're right, it wasn't him.

[C]

Why did this story never teach?

[G]

Tied for second place with four points each, Lewis J. Gomez, Big J. Okerson and Scott Chaplin.

[E]

I need some points.

[G]

And in the lead with six points, Ryan Long.

[E]

God damn.

[C]

Ryan. You are inching dangerously close to walking home with how to talk to your cat about gun safety by the American Association.

[D]

That being said, my favorite books, how to teach my dog about peanut butter.

[C]

No, this is gonna up your game because it's presented as a genuine self help manual for the patriotic cattle. The book highlights the absurdity of certain viewpoints by suggesting that your cat, like any good American, should be prepared to defend their home country and constitutional rights. That's why I name my cat Dave Smith. Cats are not born with a sense of patriotism or what it means to be American. But with this book, you can teach them. Hey, guys, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors here at Story Wars. Longtime sponsor at this point, and that is Prize Picks. Football season is here. Basketball season is right around the corner. Prize Picks is the easiest app to do your daily fantasy sports. It's very, very simple. You pick two to six players across any Sport and you go more or less on projected stats. That's all it is. Very simply, if you're right, it can seriously pay off. They even offer injury reboots. So if one of your players has to leave the field in the first half and can't come, it doesn't count as a loss. They really give you every opportunity to make a little bit of money going along with your sports.

[B]

And I'm not a sports guy, so it really makes me get into the games. Jay, when I go to your house and I watch you guys are loving football, loving basketball, I feel like an not. Yeah. Because I now I have prize picks. I have actual skin in the game. I get so excited. It's so easy to understand. It's like, all right, dude, are they going to hit that many touchdowns, that many field goals, that many fucking slam dunks? Whatever it is, it's super easy, super fun, and it makes you enjoy sports that much more.

[C]

So one more time, download the app and use the Code wars with a Z Warz to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's Code wars with a Z warz to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 in lineups. And you don't have to win to get that 50 in lineups. It's guaranteed prize picks. It's good to be right. All right, wait, where were we? Alex, Story number four.

[G]

Story number four. One time I lost my temper at the post office when the woman who worked there refused to help me. I told her that I had Tourette's and she felt bad and proceeded to help.

[C]

This isn't Louis. Because I was with him and by the way, lost my temper. Post office wouldn't work there, refused to help me. Me. I told her I Tourettes Lewis wouldn't say I have. He wouldn't make.

[D]

He say, I give you Tourette.

[C]

He would be like, he's like, I'm your nightmare. You wouldn't make an excuse like, oh, sorry, I'm just acting crazy now.

[B]

If I've lost, if I've lost my temper, I want her to know it's because of her.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I will say I don't want to keep up there on a. I'm doing what Jay does to me every time. But I watch Jay lose his temper and at workers. And I'm not saying that this person's black, but I'm imagining the woman being black. I am. I don't know why. Post office worker likely black you're going.

[C]

From one story, the dmv, which is mostly black. Yes. And they were not helpful. And I did have to hold back a lot. Sure. But I didn't say anything. And I still don't have a real ID at every form was right.

[B]

But once again, I don't think you would say you have Tourette's.

[C]

I brought two times everything I needed. And they were so black. They were so black.

[B]

To me, they were. So the Tourette's thing is the X factor.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The excuse. Scott's a nice guy.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Scott has. He's got a lot of rage. Scott's got a dead dad. He's got his own fucking issues. He's got a Jersey thing. But Scott's also not a bad person. So I could see Scott losing his head and being like, I need to come up with an excuse for this.

[D]

I didn't just say the N word. That was a condition that.

[C]

Just comes out of me whenever one of you people pisses me off.

[F]

Whenever I need a stamp.

[C]

Now mail this package and don't make me say it again.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, this does feel like Scott.

[C]

I can see Scott getting hot headed.

[F]

I would never tell someone I had Tourette's because that's a. That's. That's why I think it's Lewis or me. Yeah. And then you started making faces thinking that Tourette's people look different or something too. You might want to go Tourette's. And she was like, oh, yeah, me.

[C]

And Lewis are broke.

[F]

No, you did. He did. He started twitching. And she's like, that's not part of it.

[C]

Telling you. Yeah.

[F]

He started limping out the door.

[B]

Retard face.

[F]

Yeah. He used to go, can I lick the stamps?

[C]

Let me say something. As soon as we saw. Lost my temper, we all thought Lewis for sure. But the excuse of Tourette's. I'm telling you, one of the four reasons me and Lewis are bonded brothers for life is the idea of this. Me and Lewis understood more than anything in Bronx Tale. After they beat up the bikers, when he grabbed him, he goes, look at my face. I did this to you. You don't want her to think you just have Tourette's. You want to know, goes, I'm furious at you and I want to ruin the rest of your fucking day. And I will wear that with a badge of honor. And so does Louis. This isn't Louis. If it is, I'll kill myself on stage.

[E]

Holy shit.

[C]

Tonight, suicide. I'll put a knife in my own throat and Bleed out in front of you. But until then, I'm watching Scott.

[B]

Bad act.

[C]

I'm going with Scott.

[B]

I'm watching Scott bad act, too. He's going.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

Is it Big J?

[C]

Man, Scott sure is really thoughtful over there.

[B]

It's fucking Scotty the hottie.

[C]

That's what I think. Oh, Scott's playing my favorite game. It's always Lewis.

[B]

It's always Lewis. No, Jay. Lewis. Go. Was very disrespectful on purpose. I like that.

[C]

It's not me, dude. I wouldn't make the Tourette's excuse.

[B]

Ryan votes for Scott.

[D]

It's my Tourette's.

[B]

Monroe votes for Ryan. We have all of our answers in Alex, whose story was story number four.

[G]

Story number four belongs to.

[C]

Come on.

[G]

Luis J. Gomez.

[B]

Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

[E]

Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

[C]

Everybody kill yourself. Seraphina, kill yourself. Go get me the knife. They cut the. Give me the knife. They cut the limes with.

[B]

With.

[C]

Seraphina, get me a sharp knife. They cut the limes with. I'm going to try to take my own life on the stage. I. What this you never took.

[B]

So let. Not only is this me.

[D]

Jay cut Jay's life in.

[F]

You got to be scared.

[C]

You in the car waiting for you.

[B]

No, listen. Not only was this made. This happened today.

[E]

Get the out of here.

[B]

This happened today to me. This morning when I went to. And I up because I told you that I went to go change my address at the post office today, I was like, why don't I tell them that in the green room?

[D]

Scott's so bad at acting, even he's telling the truth. It fucked me up. I didn't think it was him tell you. And he goes, I would never.

[C]

I was almost. I almost started to feel bad. I go, poor Scott, dude. Everyone's just guessing. Obviously he's gonna get no points.

[B]

So. No, here's what happened. I went to go change my address. I get there, and my ID isn't my current address that I get my mail to. It's my son's mother's address.

[C]

So that's adult.

[B]

Well. Cause I moved and I never wanted. I didn't bring the. Once again, same thing with you. I went to the DMV and I couldn't change the address because I didn't have the right form or the right male.

[C]

I had everything. I had everything right. No, no, no, you're misunderstanding. Twice. I had everything right. These people were just being very black to me that day.

[B]

So it was a black woman in the post office for the.

[C]

Yeah, why does it have to be black? What difference does color make in the story?

[B]

So I. Well, I'll tell you why. Because I gave her my id, and I was like, I have to change my. I have to change my address. I filled out the thing online first. Then she was like, you have to give me a barcode. Then I gave her my id. She's like, yeah, this doesn't match. And I was like, what? She was like, yeah, I need something that matches with your id. And I was like, I don't have anything. I started, like, twitching like this. I'm so mad. I was moving all. I moved today, so I'm moving all day. I'm doing all this shit. And I got so angry. But because you're in one of these, like, I need to change my address. There's no. There's no screaming at this woman. There's no getting. I need to get this done. So the only thing I could do was start to fucking twitch and fucking shake. And she's like. She's like, nah, honey, nah, nah. I ain't the one. You're not doing that to me. And I was like, what? She's like. She's. You ain't gonna get all angry at me. I was like, I'm not angry. I was like, I actually have Tourette's, so.

[E]

Damn.

[B]

It's an affliction.

[C]

You're a man.

[B]

I have a mental affliction.

[C]

You're a monster, dude.

[B]

She felt bad. She was like. She goes, oh, I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know. And I was like, that's right. It's okay.

[C]

You're a bad person.

[B]

I had to give her a. Elise.

[D]

Can I have dibs on Jay's points after the episode?

[B]

Alex, four stories down.

[C]

Where did I talk you out of? Lewis.

[D]

No, he. Scott talked me out of Lewis. Honestly?

[F]

Yeah, it's good acting. I tricked you guys into thinking I was confused. Look at how well I'm talking now.

[C]

You did.

[F]

Look, let's get back to the game.

[D]

You want to.

[F]

And realize who you're fucking playing with. Boys.

[C]

Shape up.

[B]

Four stories down, we're at the halfway point. Alex, where do our points stand?

[G]

All right, in last place with zero points, Monroe Martin.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Zero. Zero, zero.

[C]

No one's ever gone zero.

[B]

No one's ever gone 0. No. You're halfway. You're halfway to gold, baby.

[E]

Yes, Alex. Story wars is history.

[G]

In fourth place with four points, Big J Okerson. Tied for second place with six points each, Ryan Long and Scott Chaplin.

[C]

Woo.

[G]

And in the lead with seven points. Lewis, James Gomez.

[C]

Are you just watching your home? Are you keeping motivated with a picture of your home?

[B]

No, no, my sister's on chat GPT sending me ideas for the backyard.

[C]

Oh, that's hilarious. I thought you were like, goes, remember why you do it all, man.

[D]

If you look closely, you see the woman from the post office in a cage.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

We are at the halfway point of the show. Four stories down at this point. We always go over some plugs real quick. Monroe Martin, what are you plugging my friend?

[E]

Nothing.

[B]

Nothing.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

He's pissed. He's not happy to be here.

[C]

Come on. Socials. Nothing.

[E]

All right. Monro Martin, comedy dot com. Monroe Martin. I, I, I on Instagram and Twitter.

[B]

All that support. Monroe Points.

[E]

Why do I trust y'?

[B]

All? Hilarious comedian. Terrible at Story Wars.

[C]

Terrible.

[B]

Scott Chaplin.

[F]

Oh, ScottChaplin on all the things. And I'll be at Skank Fest in November. I'm sure all these boys will be there too. Come, come through.

[D]

Boys. I just actually announced New York doing four shows for the comedy festival. Appleton, Milwaukee, Columbus, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Baltimore, Fort Worth, Dallas, San Francisco, Sacramento, Nashville. Please come out to those. Watch my special Problem solved on YouTube just reached a million views a bit ago, so check that out.

[C]

Big J. BigJComedy.com for all my dates. Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. I'm coming to this week. Oh, no, this is going to be out in a couple weeks. I have Calgary coming up. Pittsburgh, Columbus, Ohio, of course. Gang festival. I'm gonna be doing a weekend at the comedy Mothership in October. Last weekend of October. And then the Thursday of that weekend, we're gonna be doing two story wars down at the Mothership.

[B]

Main room. They've invited us. We've killed it so much in Austin. They invited us to the main room at the mothership. Two shows October 30th. Let's sell it out quickly. Gonna be great.

[C]

Which raises the question, did they give it? Did they offer to us or did we ask? Doesn't matter. I think we're doing that also. I think we're doing the same kind of thing when I'm in Philadelphia Thanksgiving weekend, I think the, the Wednesday before, we're gonna do Story wars down there. So Story wars is fucking coming to a city near you as well. Of course. Listen to the bonfire. Five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the flagship show right here. On guess Digital, the legion of motherfucking skanks with me, Lewis and Dave. And I'm doing live Streaming now on YouTube. Check that out as well. And double album, double vinyl of them. They is going to be available very soon.

[B]

Very cool. Come see me live on the road September 11th through 13th. Portland, Maine, Key West, Florida. Coming up right after that, Levittown, New York, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri and more. Go to LewisofScanks.com grab those tickets. The bring five friends. So we're wrapping up 2025. Gonna be a blast. We're also actually, we should announce as well for the New York Comedy Festival. We were invited. We didn't ask.

[C]

This was invited.

[B]

We were invited. November 11th, we're actually taking Story wars to the Gramercy Theater, which is gonna be a fucking blast. Huge show. It's gonna be huge.

[E]

Huge.

[C]

Joe Biden.

[B]

That was my Biden. Yeah.

[F]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah. But get those tickets because that will sell out and it's gonna be a goddamn blast. Big, big show at the Gramercy. Great. Subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love this show, there's a bunch of episodes that aren't available anywhere else all@gas digital.com you guys get uncensored release ad free release, pre release on all the episodes and thousands and thousands and thousands of hours of uncensored content only available@gas digital.com and sign up for my mailing list. Why not? Oh, and pre order my book. We're talking about books. I got a book. I wrote Knives and spoons. It's on Amazon. Comes out right before Christmas. Right before Christmas. Christmas.

[C]

All right, second half of the game, Monroe, you're probably feeling pretty lousy, yo.

[E]

I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. In fact, I don't know who's telling the truth.

[C]

What I can only ass. What I can only assume is one of your cousins is almost thinking about leaving. Cuz, you're so far out of this game, yo. You want to replace, but I don't want you to feel that way, cuz. Let me tell you something, Monroe, you are one.

[B]

Damn. He's the only one. He's gonna beat you up again. He came here to beat you up. If you lose, what happened?

[C]

You ain't learned, son. Monroe, if you swept one round of your story at this point, you can be back in this game. And you are more than back in this game at any moment. Because for the final four stories, you probably didn't know this. We go double points.

[B]

Yeah. Turkey pow.

[C]

Which is it's look, it's self explanatory, sure, but just for the rest of the people, you should know that whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guess somebody correctly, you got two points. Those both now convert to double points.

[B]

Oh, got it. All right, well, second half of the game. Ready to rock. It's anybody's game, truly. Some people probably think that's unfair, but it. It's not real. Ladies and gentlemen, Got to go first. Second half. Alex, Story number five.

[G]

Story number five. In fifth grade, on the morning of a family member's funeral, I was sat down and told that my uncle was a homosexual. So quote, please don't call things at the funeral gay.

[C]

It does look like Scott comes from a bunch of like retired fucking officers, like policemen. Who would say something like this? Hey, hey, listen, your uncle Carl was a little late in there, so be cool.

[B]

Huh?

[E]

Oh, fuck.

[B]

Yeah, this is. This is definitely screaming. Look at Scott pretending to read it over and over again.

[F]

Go back to the tapes. I've been done reading this shit over and over again.

[B]

Yeah, Scott, I'm getting, I'm getting.

[F]

I was confused, that's all.

[B]

Scott's got a dead dad. Imagine his dad, and I'll tell you why. Let me tell you why.

[C]

Good God.

[B]

Let me. Let me tell you why.

[C]

Because why did they think he was gonna call things gay in his father's room?

[D]

Someone starts crying.

[C]

Who picked the gay soundtrack?

[F]

Okay, how old was I when my dad died?

[C]

Died.

[B]

Old enough to drive because you got a car. I remember that from your age.

[F]

Yeah, I was 23. No one had to tell me to not call things gay at.

[B]

Not true.

[F]

And it says in fifth grade.

[B]

Oh, in the fifth grade.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Guys, when your father passed away, you drove off to that abandoned barn and did a footloose dance by yourself to just cut loose.

[F]

Jay's coming at me too hard, but I go, Jim.

[B]

Yeah, Jason. Jay's 47 years old. This is like in the fifth grade. To call things gay. That's part of Jay's age bracket.

[C]

I would have called Monroe colored. Society showed me the way, but society showed me the way. He's a. He's a black man. I mean, Scott and I respect the. Out of that.

[B]

Scott's from Jersey. He's got his, you know, family members first. Cops, firemen.

[F]

That's true.

[C]

Everyone's getting killed. They're all first responder faced people.

[B]

I would say it's weird that they're asking somebody in the. Was it, were you asked to speak at the funeral? Yeah, you were, Monroe.

[C]

Oh, I was.

[B]

I was, yeah.

[C]

He goes, I have a few words I'd like to say about Uncle Tone. Hey, I think we all know that Carl was a bit of a pickle.

[F]

Tickler, but I. I think Monroe would have used down low or something like that, you know? And Ryan hasn't said a word and none of us have looked at him.

[C]

Everyone in Canada has done gay. It's for heat. The winters are unbearable.

[B]

Also, Canada. Do they call it the fifth grade? I feel like they would call it something else, right?

[C]

Oh, my God. Like the 5.5 kilometer grade. It's a little.

[D]

My gay uncle wouldn't be invited to the funeral.

[F]

He's got a gay. I don't even have a gay uncle.

[B]

Do you have a gay uncle?

[C]

Not anymore. Since that went down with the hiv.

[B]

Don't call things at the funeral kids gay. Gay.

[C]

What? You say this, Scott?

[B]

I mean, I know I go on the road with you a lot. You are. You're very quick to call things gay.

[D]

I pull my dick out one time.

[F]

Yeah. Only when you pull your dick out. Yeah.

[B]

What do you mean? I'm gay?

[C]

Ryan Long. Ryan Long's a musician. He was a wild child.

[F]

I feel like, yeah, he probably thought gay was like. Yeah, he's beautiful.

[C]

Gay a lot. So he had to call other things gay to deflect from people calling him gay because he's got a pretty.

[D]

I don't think they. If it was me, they wouldn't even tell me that because they knew it'd be wasting their breath.

[C]

God, I thought it was.

[B]

Oh, thanks.

[C]

I. It's Ryan or Scott. What do you think, Turkey?

[D]

I do call it gay when people cry, but.

[F]

Yeah, I do call things gay, but like, you know, we all call things right. Exactly. So where are we even, you know, fifth grade.

[C]

Yo.

[F]

Stepped in a free society.

[C]

The guy that fucks my mouth for money. I call him Gail all the time. I call him the F word. I mean, as best I can with his cock in my mouth. It's hard to hit a double G with Lewis. It's hard to hit a double G with cock in your mouth. I just. I was telling you I didn't want you to. Yeah.

[D]

If they called me, if they told me my uncle was gay, I'd have to say, unfortunately. I know.

[C]

Oh. Found that out there the hard way four years ago. Wait, wait, Mom.

[B]

Scott Chaplin is my answer. I keep on going after Scott today. One of these stories has to be him.

[D]

I was going to copy you, but.

[F]

You know, like, look at this. No one points this out. What is this? He's being a worm over here.

[D]

Yeah, it's Lewis or Scott. I know that for a fact. And I was hoping to copy Jay.

[B]

I'm thinking it's Ryan now. God damn it. I should have wrote the name Ryan down.

[C]

Do you still. This is.

[D]

Are you saying that to me?

[B]

Are you saying that if it's me, we have. If it's me, we won't go into pontoon tomorrow?

[C]

It's not you. I'm not going to pontoon tomorrow.

[B]

He's going to pontoon.

[D]

He's gonna be dead.

[C]

I have to kill myself on stage. Someone take my corn tickets. No, I don't think it's you, Lewis.

[D]

Already.

[C]

Are you trying to do.

[F]

Are you all right?

[D]

Scott hasn't had one yet, right?

[C]

Nope, but that doesn't matter. They all are random.

[F]

Yeah, I feel like a few of us haven't had one.

[C]

There's.

[D]

I'm gonna go this Scott and I'm gonna.

[C]

You said Scott, right? Yeah, brother. Are you trying to throw me a Ryan with this nonsense because you want to get way aheader of me? Because that makes you feel good inside.

[B]

A header is not a word, Jay. Way aheader of you.

[C]

Don't.

[B]

Can I be honest with you? If I'm being completely honest, there's part of me.

[C]

Fuck.

[B]

It's gotta be so listen, I'm so good at this game that I feel bad about winning, so I kind of hope I'm wrong, but I think I'm right.

[E]

Can we take it with Jake?

[C]

You want to take the ride, buddy?

[B]

Let's take the ride. Let's go. Scotty the hottie.

[F]

Ridiculous.

[D]

Is this Jay?

[C]

Wait, Monroe.

[B]

Monroe. Did you already put it in the slot?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

No. You can't change it.

[C]

It.

[E]

I can't change it.

[B]

Nope.

[F]

He has zero points. Let him change it.

[D]

Look me in the eyes.

[C]

He will get points.

[F]

Let the brother have.

[B]

Oh, it. All right, new. New rule for today. If you have 0 points, you can change your answer.

[E]

No, I'm going stick with. I'm going stick with Jay.

[B]

He says Big J. I think that.

[C]

Really wasn't a good answer.

[D]

If it was Big J and then he changed his thing. That was an expert move on your part.

[C]

I feel bummed out more that Monroe's going to have zero points again.

[D]

If this is Lewis, I'm going to be furious.

[E]

I think it's a big day.

[B]

Oh, if it's me.

[C]

If it's Lewis, I'll kill myself by choking on his dick. I'll have Lewis hold my. My head on his dick until I can't breathe and then pass out and die on his penis.

[B]

Alex, whose story was number five.

[G]

Story number five belongs to Scott Chaplin.

[F]

Yo. It's so scary when it's your story. Oh, my God. You're like. You keep reading. I'm like, I have to. I don't know what else to do.

[E]

By the way, Jay was just deflect.

[F]

Such a.

[C]

We play every week, and I'm telling you that deflecting is great when it's your store and you go sat down.

[F]

Dude, I was looking for a pencil in my pocket. Like, let me. Let me tap in. Do some math. Like cheating on a test. Yeah.

[C]

You're like, am I a good actor?

[B]

Damn.

[E]

I can't see from this angle. I can't. Aneurysms.

[C]

Oh, you can't see? Yeah.

[E]

So I'm like, like, yeah. And you were deflecting a lot. So that's why I was like, it was probably him.

[B]

Scott, what happened here? Who. Whose funeral was this? Who's gay?

[F]

So, yeah, when I was in the fifth grade, an uncle of mine passed away. So the night before the funeral, we were all, like, got together. No, this uncle wasn't gay. He was. He. The uncle who died. He died hunting in the woods. He had a heart attack. Right. And then, so hunting. So then the night before, we all. The whole family gets together, and I'm just, like, calling.

[C]

Sherry D. Sure he did. Sure he did.

[E]

Sure.

[B]

Not only was it a gay, he was doing the most manly thing ever.

[F]

It was with his friend, and his friend, like, ran to get help, and.

[C]

He was blowing his buddy in their bunker. Caved in.

[F]

And so the night before the funeral, my family got together, and everyone was hanging out. And I probably said gay, like, a hundred times that night. Like, we were watching a movie, and I was like, this is a gay movie. I'm not watching this. Like, you know, not with this.

[C]

Yeah, those cookies.

[F]

Those cookies you're making look gay. And everyone was like, yo, chill, Chill. And then the next morning, my sister was like. My sisters were like, someone's gay in the family. You gotta stop saying that. And then they were like, dad, tell Scott who's gay in the family? And then my dad was like, jer, talk to your son.

[C]

And you were like, is it the uncle that keeps sneaking into my room at night? They're like, no, it actually wasn't. He's doing that.

[B]

Also, did you slip up and call anything gay at the funeral?

[F]

No, but I realized how many People were gay that day. From that day on, I had gaydar. Yeah, I noticed.

[D]

Didn't say nothing about calling it queer.

[C]

I think we'd all agree Scott's autobiography, Death is Gay, coming out November.

[B]

Alex.

[E]

God damn. Now they gotta switch it up.

[C]

Up.

[E]

I got to watch y' all like this.

[B]

Another story down. Where are our points at?

[E]

Don't even mention me.

[C]

Oh, it's only right. It's only right.

[G]

Amazingly, still in last place with zero points, Monroe Martin.

[E]

If you ain't first, you last. If you ain't first, you last.

[B]

Is that who's hitting into the bookshelf? The bookshelf is going wonky and wacky behind you.

[E]

Oh, I think it was me. All right.

[D]

Ghost of Scott's uncle.

[C]

Ooh, God. Nice bookshelf. Is this restoration hardware or Crate and barrel? I'm a CB2 guy for, like, other rooms, not my main stuff. I'd be a good gay uncle.

[B]

You'd be a good gay ghost judging all your furniture. Damn.

[C]

Ooh, what is this? Macy's warehouse?

[G]

Alex tied for third place with eight points each. Big J Okerson and Scott Chaplin.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

In second place with 10 points, Ryan Long. And in the lead with 11 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

The greatest story warrior to ever live. All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Bonnie Brain Coffee for supporting the show. Testosterone levels are tanking literally every year. The average man's T levels are dropping lower and lower. And when that happen, you're not just losing muscle or energy. You're losing focus, drive, and that edge that makes you feel like a man. And that's where Body Brain Coffee comes in. It's not just great tasting Colombian coffee. It's loaded with a stack of ingredients designed to help you fight back. We're talking about Tonga Ali for natural testosterone support, Ashwagandha to lower stress and keep you balanced. Lion's mane for sharper memory and focus, and L Theanine for that calm, steady energy without the jitters.

[C]

Tangit Ali was my favorite villain from the Jean Claude Van Damme films.

[B]

Look, if you want to start your day feeling sharper, stronger, and more in control, make the switch. This isn't just coffee. It's coffee with a purpose. You hear about mushroom coffee, but you're not hearing about mushroom coffees that also boost your testosterone.

[C]

So go to bodybraincoffee.com right now and use the code WAR25 to get 25 off. And, Lewis, your silence here will speak volumes. Say nothing. If I could offer 26 off. With code. With code. Big J's with a Z. B, I, G, J, Z. Big J's with a Z for 26% off. Lewis. I know your smile over there lets me know you think this is a fantastic idea. We're gonna move coffee right now. Bodybraincoffee.com Code Big Jays with a Z for 26 off.

[B]

God damn it.

[C]

All right, let's get back into it.

[B]

Alex, Story number six.

[G]

Story number six. A woman once smashed my nuts so hard while dancing that it messed up my testosterone and caused fertility issues.

[C]

Is this. Is this a fiction story? Yeah.

[F]

I hope you know that's not. Not what messed with your testosterone.

[C]

Yeah. And also, you know, that's not dancing.

[D]

It isn't Jamaica.

[C]

Oh, shit. I mean, I. Ryan was in the motherland.

[B]

I will say that. Ryan, out of everyone up here, you seem like you have fertility issues.

[D]

Very possible. How would I know?

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

It'S the Smashing Nuts. While dancing, my brain went to like. Oh, got kicked in the dick. And I'm like, no. Dance. Who smashes nuts while dancing? Well, like, they grind what they have, like, sex. I know. Cause I go, babe, you're not going dancing. You know what?

[B]

Oh, that's right. He does have sex.

[F]

Someone grinded up on his balls.

[C]

I agree with you. Yeah, I couldn't see it. No. I couldn't see a position in dancing fast, slow or otherwise. Yeah, mine's not going to smash.

[D]

Well, it's involuntary dancing. And after she says, get away from me, it's a kick in the nuts.

[C]

Oh, you think this is possibly, like, a stripper who just did a lap dance and just.

[E]

I thought it was like, one of those white guy, like, y' all be kicking and punching Marshall, Right?

[B]

Oh, so Monroe's got big black nuts. One.

[C]

And a child. And a child.

[B]

But he has a child, so maybe there's not fertility issues.

[D]

Hardcore dancing.

[C]

I have a child. 22. That means 22 years. I could have gotten my nuts smashed since. Since. Because I only have one. But I love cream pies.

[E]

Wait, you got it.

[B]

He got one, though.

[D]

I know it's not me or Lewis because we already have such high tea that I didn't messed up.

[B]

That's a great point. No, I did have low tea. I did test for. That's why I drink potty Brain. Coffee Body coffee dot com.

[C]

That's why I give it to my friends while I inject testosterone directly into my ass.

[B]

You love it. I mean, look, D. Dancing. Look, I'm out right there and then I just don't dance you'll never catch.

[C]

Not well. Remember I beat you in that contest.

[B]

You did beat me. To dance off.

[C]

That felt nice.

[B]

Yeah, but neither one.

[C]

Is that what you feel like every week here?

[B]

Neither one of us.

[D]

Have you ever break danced?

[B]

No. Break danced.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, dude. Lewis break podcasts. He break. He break lunch. Everything pretty much breaks. Yeah. He breaks something.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This seems. I'm getting Ryan. You can get sucked into a club by some hot chicks that fucking bounce around you. You're tall and lanky enough, you can just hands up behind your thing and let them smash on your nuts.

[D]

I don't go to doctors like that, though.

[F]

Right.

[C]

And cause fertility issues, though, is my concern.

[B]

Yeah. Why would you even know that I would. Unless you're trying to get a chick pregnant and you're like, after a while, like.

[D]

I wouldn't call that fertility issues. I would call that a solved problem in free birth control.

[C]

He goes, yeah, if you get a vasectomy. He goes, chick wants smashed my nuts while dancing, so I don't need to wear a condom.

[D]

She's like, do you have a condom? So when I was younger, as chicks.

[C]

You're going with Monroe even though he's got a child. He had to go either way because.

[B]

He probably had to work for that child. Monroe big balls got a child. That's it. No.

[E]

Just in case, I need some points.

[B]

You don't get points for voting for just in case.

[E]

God damn it. I need some points.

[B]

Jay, you're. You're drawing a.

[D]

Is that a legal move?

[B]

Jay's voting for Ryan Long Daddy me.

[C]

What has some smash nuts.

[D]

I thought he admitted it.

[E]

Just in case.

[B]

Jay. Jay not paying attention to anything that's going on in the game right now.

[F]

Jay can't get his mind.

[B]

Monroe. Monroe, you.

[C]

If this is Monroe, I'll kill myself on this stage.

[E]

Yo, I need some points.

[B]

You're about to get some, cuz. This doesn't pay attention.

[C]

Don't.

[B]

Moving forward, guys, you can't vote for yourself. But, Alex, make it official. Whose story is this?

[G]

This story belongs to Monroe Martin.

[C]

Okay. Okay. All right. But if that's true, then why has Ryan not been able to get me pregnant?

[B]

Okay, Monroe, tell us this story. What happened here? Who were you dancing with? How long ago was this?

[E]

I went to a dance hall club at 21 and some skinny girl, which I don't really fuck with, like that. She was dancing with me and was smashing my balls to the point where they were swollen. They were like, swollen. And then it caused varicocele you know, varicocele is where it's like the fucking veins in your nuts. Kind of like.

[C]

Why did it get to that?

[E]

Because she caused so much trouble. Trauma that it's like.

[C]

But was it trauma with, like. Here's the thing. One crazy ass.

[E]

No, it was like she was.

[C]

You go, okay. No, no, she was, you know, like.

[E]

The dance hall where they'd be jumping on you and they'd be spinning all that. It was that type of crazy.

[C]

Do you remember the song I.

[E]

My stomach was hurting. No, it was like elephant.

[C]

I got the right temper. Every week you spill something with the exact same motion.

[D]

Was it since Sema? Keys to my bema?

[E]

It was at the. You. You remember the lion's den near Temple? It was there. He knows it's a fucking.

[C]

I do know that.

[E]

It's like in the middle. It's just like a basement. They just play music. There's no, like, lights, no laws. No law. Nothing.

[C]

No real beer. It's not malted.

[D]

No chicks.

[B]

Just fun. And how'd you find out that you had fertility? You try to get your. Your wife pregnant?

[E]

Yeah. And then they were like, oh, you have varicocell and it caused your testosterone to drop. So I had to get surgery that boosted my test, like, over time.

[B]

You got body brain surgery, huh?

[E]

What is it called?

[C]

Lewis's coffee that gives. Makes your nuts nice.

[E]

Oh, oh.

[B]

Turkey Makes your nuts body coffee. Six stories down. We got two more stories. Alex, give us our points.

[E]

Do I get points for voting for me, though?

[B]

No, you don't. But you get votes for Jay.

[E]

God damn it.

[C]

You got votes because I wasn't paying attention. Because I wanted to draw Ryan's dick in nuts. Alex, I chose funny in last place.

[E]

Don't say it.

[G]

But. But now with two points, Monroe Barton.

[E]

D E I D E I.

[B]

And by the way, D E I.

[E]

D E R D E I D E I.

[B]

Can a skinny girl come grind his other. Alex.

[G]

In fourth place with eight points, Big J. Okerson. In third place with 12 points, Scott Chaplin in second place with 14 points, Ryan Long. And in the lead with 15 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Point.

[C]

I'm right there.

[B]

You are true. I mean, truly any. Truly anybody's game. And. And remember, you would have only gotten one point in that last round, but because of double points.

[C]

Got two points.

[B]

Thank you, Turkey. Alex. Story number seven.

[G]

Story number seven. A family member lost an eye after shooting themself in the face. Their glass eye remains in my possession since their passing.

[C]

If. If this was Lewis, I would have already put this thing in my mouth. This is a crazy Canadian thing. My butt, my num num numb. This seems like a Canadian problem. Everyone's got a fucking gun. Everyone's shooting some.

[F]

It seems like a cleaning a gun thing. And I go, oh, Canadians.

[C]

Just.

[F]

That's probably a job they have.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Here in America, we just have gay uncles. We fucking out here. That's different in Canada since they're passing you. Who took the glass? Who would want the glass eye?

[D]

Went on to be Monroe's second test.

[C]

Now a proud father, but now a proud father.

[B]

Huh? Could this be Scott or Ryan?

[D]

I got a feeling there's no guns in where I'm from.

[F]

Yeah. That's racism. Just because of what happened today.

[C]

Okay.

[F]

It doesn't mean it's white. Okay.

[C]

There's no guns where you come from. It's where guns are from.

[D]

Look it up.

[F]

Yeah, they don't have guns in Canada.

[B]

They have rifles in Canada. There's no handguns in Canada.

[C]

Canada.

[B]

Nobody's. And nobody's.

[F]

Yeah. It's also said I didn't grow. The man didn't die. So it was like a pellet gun or something. You were shooting squirrels to make hats up there or something.

[C]

This is a wild. This is a wild and wonderful Whites of West Virginia trash. But I don't know, actually. Ryan, did you grow up, like, were you.

[D]

Oh, like right outside of Toronto.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. But like, broke? No.

[D]

Middle class. Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

If they say middle class, they were rich.

[C]

I have a feeling he's rich.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And he said, but what if it was? I'll tell you what.

[D]

We didn't grow up shooting guns in our face.

[C]

Not you, but maybe your stupid ass family member. I mean, Scott, classic.

[B]

A lot of family members that in the. In the. The police force, they all have guns. Yeah.

[F]

That's a fact. Yeah.

[B]

Scott's got a lot of tragedies. Who. I can see this being a Scott Chaplin tragic story.

[F]

I so get that. I. I don't know why you guys aren't making fun of me like you have and writing my name down very quickly.

[C]

Apologies, apologies. He's like. Scott's like, I don't have a good argument against me.

[F]

No, I don't. But I'm trying to think of a good argument against me, which would be. Yeah, I don't know.

[C]

I'm gonna say this.

[D]

What's more of a gun place, Jersey or Philly?

[C]

If this was Philly. If this was. If this is Lewis, honestly, he's making the story up. He's a liar.

[E]

But also, why not me, though, when.

[C]

It'S stories I've never heard before?

[E]

You're making it up unsupervised.

[F]

But you wouldn't be left something, you know, like if you're.

[C]

No.

[F]

You know. Okay.

[C]

You would show up to the will reading and take your glass. Okay.

[F]

Oh, I got nothing. Give me the eye.

[C]

Anybody want that eye? Well, give it a over where I.

[D]

Come repay our debts.

[B]

I don't.

[C]

Why would self in the face by uncle mean something?

[F]

Is that, like, currently? Like, do they do glass eyes?

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Okay.

[E]

They still do glass eyes.

[F]

I would assume they're new material now.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

If you've never shown me a glass eye that you have me, then I don't know you.

[E]

You didn't even know he had Tourette's.

[B]

Right?

[C]

He's right. I never took the time to find out. I've been a bad friend.

[B]

This. I feel like this sounds like a Scott story, but I could see Ryan being.

[D]

I feel like Scott right now. I'm bad at defending myself.

[F]

Wait, Ryan. You also have a tattoo of his eye.

[B]

Ryan's got like a. Like a cool guy. I'm dark, and I'll have some fun fucking cool things in my house. Also, I think that's probably.

[D]

You want to see my glass eye.

[C]

Ryan Dewey made a music video where he's singing to the eye.

[F]

It's inside the tarantula tank.

[D]

I've never shown this to another girl.

[F]

It's in a ring case.

[C]

Yeah. He meant the world to me, Uncle Gus.

[B]

All right, I'm going to get the voting going. I'm getting the voting going.

[C]

Go for it. I'm going with Ryan. I'm going different than you.

[D]

Lewis, pitch me why this isn't Jay?

[B]

Because the. Honestly, the only reason I don't think it's Jay is because if he had a family member's glass eye, I genuinely feel like I would know about it.

[C]

It would have been up one of our butts on the show by now.

[E]

You have a story already? Wait, it only counts if I put it up here.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Once you put your hand and take your hand away. It's official.

[B]

Okay, my vote is for Scott.

[C]

Let it be known. Scott the I chaplain. Yeah, that's how I played it. No, nuh.

[E]

It was you, Lewis.

[B]

Alex, excellent.

[G]

Story. Number seven belongs to Scott Chaplin.

[C]

I didn't even get points. And I'm so happy it wasn't you. That was a win for me. Talk to me. I feel like a.

[B]

Who is this family member? Yeah, same person. That you were were speaking at their funeral.

[F]

No, no, no, this is another person.

[C]

Oh, is this uncle faggot? Yeah, it was cum.

[F]

Anyway. Shot a load in his face.

[D]

That's where the dicks go now.

[B]

The gay that. That eye saw.

[C]

The memories inside of that thing.

[D]

Arabian goggles gone wrong.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

When my grandfather was a kid, he was shooting like a BB gun. And then it didn't go off, so he looked at it and he shot him and it went off in his face. And then he didn't tell his parents for like two days because he was nervous so they couldn't save the eye. And then when he died.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[C]

What a reveal. Oh, my God. No, don't it up. He wouldn't.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Yo.

[B]

I pulled another kill. Tony. That's wild. You carry it on you at all times.

[F]

Yeah, it's a little bloodshot too, so it's like we're definitely related it all times. No, I brought it here for this. It's usually on my desk at home.

[D]

Actually, you know what?

[C]

Damn. He goes, where's my phone? He goes, oh, no. All right. That's my glass eye.

[F]

Yeah, hold on, let me take down your number.

[D]

He just had to stop by the pawn shop on the way here.

[C]

By the way, was to repick it up. He'd already sold it to the pawn shop and now he's like, oh, I need that.

[B]

Alex, where are our points at?

[G]

All right. In last place with two points, Monroe, Martin.

[E]

Shake and bake.

[B]

Just saying catchphrases this.

[C]

We can turn it around.

[G]

In fourth place with eight points, Big J. Okerson.

[C]

Stagnant. Stagnant.

[G]

In third place with 16 points, Scott Chaplin. In second place with 18 points, Ryan Long. And in the lead with 19 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[B]

Holding onto that lead, baby.

[C]

It is hopeless for me and Monroe. But.

[B]

Lewis, play giant killer.

[C]

Listen, you can always play giant killer. Yeah, but Lewis, Ryan and Scott are vying desperately for how to talk to your cat about gun safety by the American associate patriots. How to talk to your cat about gun safety is a satirical and deeply humorous guide presented not in a serious tone, but the fictional American association of Patriots that teaches cat owners how to have difficult conversations with their pets about topics ranging from gun safety to abstinence, online predators and other dangers that threaten their nine lives. Do we keep it? Does it stay?

[B]

It's anybody's game Still, Alex, Our final story. Story number eight.

[G]

Story number eight. My friend's dad used to force me to race him around the block and made his two sons watch and cheer. I never won once. And he would celebrate every time.

[C]

This feels like poor Monroe brought out to the suburbs for foster care. And he was a chubby kid. And his fucking white fucking foster dad would just beat him in athletics all the time and go, look at that. This fucking black kid I adopted doesn't even. Can't even dunk. I'm raining threes on this asshole.

[D]

He can take our pool, but he can never take our trampoline.

[C]

That's my son. We jumped his ass last night. Showed him what. What was what?

[B]

I will say. Jay started coming out the gate very like. That's right. And. And also Jay's slow, so he can't win a race.

[C]

So I know that. And I wouldn't have accepted the race.

[D]

Says in the language that you had no choice, dude.

[C]

No friend's dad forced me to do anything. I wanted to be molested.

[D]

Yeah. Mine, E.

[C]

That was my fault for what I was wearing. That's right. That's right, ladies. I'll take responsibility. I was dressed like a slut and I was drinking too much, and I had it coming to me.

[B]

I. I just think so. I would say my instinct initially said Ryan, but I just feel like Ryan.

[D]

Winner takes grandfather's eyes.

[B]

Ryan's like a lanky, like. Like athletic dude. I feel like you could beat an old man in a race.

[D]

I'd crush an old man in a race.

[E]

But he's never won, though.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. It says he never won, so I feel like it couldn't be Ryan, but maybe it could be.

[F]

I think the friend's dad. In Canada, you get arrested for bullying a kid like that.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

Probably. Yeah. I.

[F]

I want to go with Monroe.

[C]

It does seem like Monroe, he does have the most tumultuous childhood. He made his two sons watch and cheers so up.

[F]

There's a weird lesson happening there, dude.

[C]

This is Monroe's origin story. Poor Monroe. Every story makes me feel worse and worse about his life. You're such a great guy for all these things that have happened to you. Hey, you're not the sum of your traumas, dude. You're not that you're better than the. All that. But for that reason, for sure. This is Monroe being tortured by white people pretending to be nice for a change. Can.

[F]

Cannot.

[B]

Can I?

[C]

Monroe, if I ever invite you over.

[B]

To my house, you going to make me race?

[C]

No, I just want you there. No, I want you to know I just want you there. I don't want to jump you with My friends, I don't want to humiliate you in athletics in any way. I just wanted you to hang out with me.

[B]

I appreciate it. Jay is saying a lot of words.

[C]

Right now because it's a comedy show and I'm trying to bring the.

[B]

No, I feel like Jay is just trying to get people to vote for Monroe right now. This feels like he's just going, this.

[C]

Would be a core. Every day I'd bring it up. I go, I don't know, dude, I've been fucked up ever since. That guy used to make his kids cheer while he beat me in racing as a boy. Have at it. I hope you lose. Don't say me, Scott.

[D]

I feel like Jamie Pete Lewis.

[C]

I'm telling you, take this book out of my life. I want the last thing I see before I have to, I believe, kill myself on this stage tonight.

[B]

I'll say, like, if you guys, I'm voting for Big J. If you want to play the game, the reality is if you vote for Big J as well, there's no way you could win because I'm a point ahead of you.

[C]

It's not me.

[D]

Okay, say that again.

[B]

I'm one point ahead of you. So if you vote for Big J as well, there's no. And it is Big Jeff. There's no way you win.

[D]

Yeah, why'd you tell me that?

[C]

Good point. Lewis loves explaining math to whites. Makes him feel white.

[D]

Also, more importantly.

[B]

Oh, what's going on over there?

[D]

Because you wouldn't. You wouldn't be telling me to change my vote if it was you. That wouldn't make sense.

[B]

That's also true.

[C]

Oh, Scott. Fuck. Who'd you say?

[B]

I said you.

[C]

Oh, this might be Scott.

[B]

I think it's got two. Two. Two stories in a row in the last round. That'd be crazy.

[C]

Would that be in a row?

[B]

Yeah, it would be. His last one was Scott. Glass eye.

[C]

Oh, then Monroe, I mean you.

[B]

Scott's changed his answer three times.

[C]

Your butt there.

[B]

I mean, all you take Monroe.

[F]

Yeah. Why didn't you write anything down?

[B]

Scott. Sky, sky. Wait, wait, wait. Damn, it's Monroe. You can't beat Scott.

[F]

That's how I felt. Yeah, but then I gotta be right though. That's matters the most.

[B]

That's also true.

[C]

It does. That's the pride. You walk home with. Monroe, don't write your own name because it's you, you psycho.

[B]

Monroe putting his vote down for Big J Okerson. Is it final? His final answer? Big Joker said, ladies, because he hasn't.

[E]

Had a Story yet?

[B]

Yeah. Did he?

[E]

No.

[B]

What'd you have?

[F]

Wait a second.

[C]

My story was. Oh, we had a good time with it.

[E]

No, you didn't.

[B]

The phone. Yeah, yeah, we did. The phone.

[C]

The phone. Looking for my phone.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Yelling at friends.

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in. This is our final story.

[E]

It's probably Lewis.

[B]

Whose story is it?

[G]

The final story belongs to Ryan Long.

[B]

He got a perfect score on the first round. Perfect score on the last round because.

[D]

We'Re not at the stand anymore. So I'm not high out of my mind.

[C]

But that's right. We can't smoke here.

[B]

Tell us the story. What happened? Who was this abusive father that made you do this?

[D]

So there's two parts. One is I won like some, you know, the 1500 or whatever for my region. And I was running and then. So he got wind of that and then forced me to race him.

[C]

And then who was it? John Candy's.

[D]

Two of my buddies, his dad's. He went to jail. Turns out he was like crazy cokehead. So he was just on coke the entire time?

[C]

Fuck.

[D]

Forcing 8 year olds to race.

[C]

And the bass player of Nickelback.

[B]

Wow. Wow, Ryan.

[D]

I mean, I, already, fresh out of jail, coked out of his mind. This is my block.

[C]

By beating kids in foot races is hilarious.

[D]

And it wasn't just that. Like anything, someone would be like, I'm good at yo yoing. He'd be like, I'll fucking show yo yo, yo, yo.

[C]

Like, here's my girlfriend. You think I'm a take your bitch? Yo, Steve, your dad sucks.

[D]

I just got hair on my balls.

[B]

You want to see hair?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at this.

[C]

Look at this thatch. It's a thatch.

[B]

I mean, I already, I, I, I did the math on this, so I know who won, but Alex, why don't we make it official? After eight stories, where are our points?

[G]

All right, in last place with the official. Can I say official, New lowest score in Starring wars history with two points from Monroe Martin.

[C]

Your cousin left. Your cousin left before he could see your Victor. Your victory.

[B]

He's back.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

What up, cuz?

[B]

D E I D E I D.

[E]

E I D E I.

[C]

You know, progressive here.

[D]

Can we pull out the I when he says the I?

[B]

We've never had anybody. We've never had anybody get zero points. And Monroe, you would have been our first zero point guy had Jay been simply paying attention.

[C]

If I stop drawing Ryan's beautiful color.

[D]

Talk from memory, I almost wrecked that like five, like five times. I was like, why is he doing that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Lewis is like, shut the up.

[B]

I go.

[D]

Why would I shut up, Ryan tried.

[B]

To warn you three times, and I was like.

[C]

I was busy creating.

[D]

Well, you're down here. You're down here. Like the balls aren't nice enough.

[C]

They weren't. I picture you have beautiful balls.

[B]

Sorry, Alex.

[C]

I want to apologize for that.

[B]

Continue with our points.

[G]

In fourth place, with eight points, Big J Okerson. In third place with 16 points, Scott Chaplin.

[B]

Coach owing.

[G]

Second place, scored 19 points. And your winner tonight, winning with 26 points, Ryan Long.

[C]

Wow. Whoa.

[D]

Sun Sema. Who got the keys to Mabema?

[C]

Alex. That's gotta be pushing one of the top scores ever.

[G]

It's close.

[D]

Started from the bottom. Now we're here.

[C]

Ryan Long, you are America's newest story warrior. Yo, do you wanna. You've now gained a very specific ability. Would you like to flex that real quick?

[B]

Speech.

[E]

Speech.

[C]

No, you know what you can say.

[B]

What's the ability? No, only. Only story warriors can say.

[D]

I thought it was over.

[B]

No, it's over.

[D]

But for next, just. I can say it.

[B]

You can just trigger it.

[D]

Oh, God damn. Should I take my shirt off?

[B]

Please.

[D]

Double.

[C]

Ryan. Welcome to the family. Welcome to the family of story warriors. Everyone makes a noise for Ryan, your next story warriors. What a show.

[D]

I just want to say that my win is all of.

[B]

Your win.

[C]

Yeah. And everybody, a big round of applause for everybody up on this panel. Everyone, Monroe Martin, Scott Chaplin. Of course, you know his story Warrior Rock. Ryan Long. For Story wars, everybody, I'm Big J Okerson.

[B]

I'm the Puerto Rican RS Luis J. Gomez.

[C]

We'll catch you next time. Until then, peace.