059. Ron Bennington, Ian Fidance, & LeMaire Lee | Neighbors

Summary

Story Warz Episode 059: “Neighbors”

Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Ron Bennington, Ian Fidance, LeMaire Lee
Airdate: September 19, 2025
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, NYC

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Episode Overview

Live from the New York Comedy Club, Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez welcome comedy legend Ron Bennington, the spirited Ian Fidance, and newcomer LeMaire Lee for another rollicking edition of Story Warz—a game of hilarious, deceptive storytelling, riffing, and unfiltered banter. Tonight’s theme is “Neighbors,” and each comic submits wild, real-life stories to fool their peers. Points are earned for deceiving or guessing correctly, all in pursuit of the coveted prize: Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.

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Key Discussion & Game Highlights

Introductions & Rules (02:20–07:50)

• Hosts Jay and Luis open the show, joke about their first unsold section (02:48), and explain Story Warz for new audience members (03:04).
• Each panelist has anonymously submitted three to five stories about “Neighbors.”
• For each round, a story is read aloud; players must either claim ownership to fool others or correctly guess the author for points (06:00).
• Prize: The Art of War (“I did feel like it was going to be a thicker book.” – Big Jay, 07:35)

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Story Round Summaries

Story 1: Pregnant 12-Year-Old Double Dutch (08:46–14:15)

• Story: “I watched my pregnant 12 year old neighbor play double Dutch at 3am.”
• Panelists riff about race, growing up in “the hood,” and the stereotypes about such a bizarre sight. Jay and Luis interrogate LeMaire’s background for clues (10:11), LaMaire admits his name inspiration came from Family Feud (11:23).
• Guesses: Most accuse LaMaire, with some Ron suspicion.
• Reveal: It’s LaMaire’s story.
• Memorable quote:
  • “Could you have written a more black story? Jesus Christ.” — Luis J. Gomez (14:22)
  • “My mom got my name from Family Feud.” — LaMaire Lee (11:23)
• Score Recap: Ian 0, LaMaire 1, others 2 (15:52)

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Story 2: Kicking Down a Door in Anger (17:46–26:09)

• Story: “I kicked down the door to my neighbor's apartment during a party to choke her boyfriend for talking shit. I blacked out in anger, and when I came to, a family member was pulling me off while screaming I was a good boy.”
• Hosts suspect Ian for punk-rock rage but debate if it's Luis or Ron too.
• Ian jokes: “This isn't about me, Jay.” (32:28)
• Reveal: It’s Ian’s story.
• He details his spiral: fresh out of the hospital, blacked out attacking a neighbor’s boyfriend, and his mom saving him, all before detox.
• “And funnily enough, that guy that I choked? Dead. Now Ian wins again.” – Ian (27:37)
• Score Recap: Ian 1, LaMaire 3, Ron 4, Jay/Luis 4 (28:05)

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Story 3: First Dead Body (28:57–37:41)

• Story: “First time I saw a dead body was my neighbor being dragged from his home after a heart attack. I was 7, my mother woke me up to watch.”
• Morbid guessing game: Jay and Luis trade stories about funeral trauma, Jay’s “mom wouldn't wake me up for this,” but Lewis is insistent the story’s about Jay (29:33–34:09).
• “That's crazy if we were wrong because you're gonna give... if it's Lewis, you're gonna give Lewis all the points.” – Jay (33:57)
• Reveal: It’s Luis’s story. His mother (a junkie, he notes) woke him up to see paramedics dragging the neighbor’s corpse; haunted by the memory, even ruined The Undertaker for him in wrestling.
• Score Recap: Ian 1, LaMaire 3, Ron 4, Jay/Luis 6 (38:26)

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Story 4: Porn Condom Boxes (43:13–51:01)

• Story: “When I was a kid, I'd rummage through my neighbor's garbage for empty condom boxes with nude women on them, kept them hidden in my room.”
• Bit of a generational divide—Jay and Luis debate if this was more “80s kid” behavior, with Luis insistent the boxes existed (“literally it was straight up porn on the condom box” – Luis, 44:18).
• Jay calls his mom live to verify his childhood perviness (45:08).
• After accusing each other and LaMaire, surprise: Luis is the culprit—he’d scavenge for these porn treasure boxes in the neighborhood trash with friends, hiding them in his bedroom ceiling.
• Memorable riff: “I would jerk off to garbage.” — Luis (51:51)
• Score Recap: Lewis’s lead slips, Jay climbs ahead (52:59–53:05)

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Mid-Episode Standings (53:42–58:54)

• Plugs and comedic asides, including Ron announcing David Byrne on Bennington and joking about starting “the Other Talking Heads” band (54:05).
• Ron, at this point, is in fourth, but the double point round is near.

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Story 5: The Unwarranted Rape Joke (61:12–70:11)

• Story: “As a kid, I made a joke that two old guys in the neighborhood raped the girl we all liked. Friend told his mom, started drama.”
• The panel debates whose sense of humor or penchant for drama fits—Luis accuses Jay of being the “liar” kid who’d start stories, Jay recalls his school-wide apology for a lie about a girl (63:05–65:29).
• “We really used the word rape too much because we could not at that age imagine girls wanting this.” – Ron Bennington (69:24)
• Reveal: It’s Ron’s story. In sixth grade, he cracked the off-hand “rape” joke, which went wild through neighborhood mothers, causing “unwarranted drama.”
• Ron soars to the lead: 14 points.

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Story 6: Losing a Neighbor’s Kid in a Cornfield (73:42–77:38)

• The only panelist from “corn country” is LaMaire, but Jay and company debate if it could be an accidental Luis story, or a deceptive Ron move.
• Reveal: It’s LaMaire. While watching the youth pastor’s kid in central PA, the boy vanishes into an Amish farm’s cornfield before being found a few minutes later.
• LaMaire surges to second after this “big shakeup” (78:38).

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Story 7: Penis-Grabbing Neighbor (79:01–87:21)

• Story: “A family member started dating the meanest neighbor in the neighborhood. He grabbed my penis in public.”
• The room is torn—Jay and Luis volley childhood miseries, Ron analyzes that only “LaMaire has a big family, and bullies go for the nut slap.” (83:08)
• Jay draws a comically small penis on his answer for Ian, but…it’s Jay’s story. His grandmother dated the nastiest neighbor, who, in a packed store, pawed at kid-Jay’s genitals to show off how low his saggy ‘90s pants were.
• “And he jacked me off in public.” — Jay (87:17)
• Jay and Ron tied for 1st (87:56)

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Story 8: Baseball Bat to the Head (88:38–94:22)

• Story: “I became friends with a new neighbor who hit me in the head with a baseball bat.”
• Theories abound—Luis semi-confesses to a bat-to-the-head adventure just to bait guesses. Ron, ever Philly, gives the origin story: He started fighting a new kid, got clobbered, but a year later they became best friends after sharing a pool.
• Reveal: Ron’s story.
• Quotes: “We used to play a lot of sandlot baseball. He was the new kid, so I started punching him... he came up and whacked me with a baseball bat... Next summer, we were buddies.” — Ron (92:52–93:38)

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Notable Quotes & Riffing

• “Could you have written a more black story? Jesus Christ.” — Luis to LaMaire (14:22)
• “We used to stand on corners... then suddenly, mothers started to come out and grab a kid and take him back...” — Ron, on the fallout from his rape joke (68:06)
• “We've all described exactly why. It's 100% LaMaire.” — Jay, on story #1 (12:41)
• “You've got my vibes since I wrote your name down.” — Jay to Luis, on psychological warfare (32:59)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Game Rules & Introductions: 02:19–07:50
• Story 1 (Pregnant 12yo Double Dutch): 08:46–14:15
• Story 2 (Kick Down Door & Choke): 17:46–26:09
• Story 3 (First Dead Body): 28:57–37:41
• Story 4 (Condom Porn Boxes): 43:13–51:01
• Double Points Begin: 59:06
• Story 5 (Unwarranted Rape Joke): 61:12–70:11
• Story 6 (Lost in Cornfield): 73:42–77:38
• Story 7 (Penis-Grabbing Neighbor): 79:01–87:21
• Story 8 (Baseball Bat to the Head): 88:38–94:22
• Final Scoring/Wrap-Up: 94:28–96:09

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Final Scores & Winner

| Place | Name | Points | |------------|--------------------|--------| | 1st | Ron Bennington | 20 | | 2nd | Big Jay Okerson | 18 | | T-3rd | Luis J. Gomez | 11 | | T-3rd | LaMaire Lee | 11 | | Last | Ian Fidance | 3 |

“Ron, you go home. You’re now a story warrior. You go home with the Art of War by Sun Tzu. And by the way, Ron, you can now trigger double points.”
— Lewis J. Gomez (95:16)

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Memorable Moments

• Jay calling his mom on speaker to confirm his porn habits (45:08).
• Multiple riffs on penis size, with Jay drawing diagrams (83:41).
• Ron’s tales of Philly childhoods—jokes progressing from rape rumors to baseball bat fights, each with a punchline and dark twist.
• Luis’s confessional about garbage-porn scavenging: “I would jerk off to garbage.” (51:51)
• Jay describing the “complete betrayal” Lewis is capable of in the game: “Swore on my son’s life while he’s in the room and been lying.” (90:16)

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Episode Tone & Flavor

Unfiltered, rowdy, and deeply self-deprecating—the comics lean into outrageous personal histories, racial and generational divides, and their own reputations for “lying for points.” The interplay between comics (hustling, accusing, and riffing) is the heart of the episode, as is the honest reflection underneath the bravado.

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In Summary

Story Warz 059 delivers on its premise: raw storytelling, comic misdirection, and plenty of “did he just say that?” moments. Ron Bennington proves a master both of deception and delivery, taking home the Art of War in a game as morally ambiguous and hilarious as its host comedians.

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Next Episode: Who will be crowned Story Warrior next? And who will go home with shameful single-digit points? Until then: “With that power comes responsibility. Will you use it for good or evil?” — Big Jay Okerson

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[For full episode, check out Gas Digital or attend Story Warz live every Wednesday at NY Comedy Club.]

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hey Story Warriors Merch is available right [e-mail] we've got a whole bunch like the double points, the logo and so much more.

[A]

And until the end of the month, one lucky fan is going to get two free all access VIP passes to Skank Fest New Orleans. So if you've purchased anything in the past or anything during the month of September, you are automatically entered. That could be from Story Wars, Legion of Skanks regs or the Gas Digital merch page. You will get an entry into the contest. Plus, we're going to be doing a special VIP meet and greet at Skank Fest for fans who show up in merch. Get yours [e-mail] that's Story wars with a Z merch.com what's going on Story Warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[B]

Be a piece of Just get your tickets and come. It's fun face New York comedy club.com hey, real quick, before we start Story Awards, let's talk about one of our longtime amazing sponsors over here at Gas Digital and that is y kratom.com yo kratom. Home of the $60 kilo. As times change and prices go up, one thing stays the same. $60 for a kilo of high quality lab tested Kratom delivered right to your door.

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[B]

Fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

It's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez. What is up, New York City? Welcome to Story wars in our new home, the New York Comedy Club. Make some noise near tonight, please, will you? Let's go. You.

[A]

Let'S go. It's the, it's the holiday week. It's our first not sold out show.

[B]

It's back to school week. Dude, it's a roughy. It's fine. Summer's over.

[A]

It's just that section over there. It's fine. We're going to pretend that didn't happen.

[B]

That's where the go anyway.

[A]

Yeah, we don't like those people.

[B]

We've been known that. Welcome to Story wars, everybody. We always ask this before we play any of these games. How many people here are familiar with the game Story wars.

[A]

And how many people are not familiar with Story Wars? Dude, he fucking, dude, he just sold him out. He was like this asshole right here.

[B]

He'll use waves in his hand him. This guy's an asshole. It is a very, very easy game and very fun. We'll get our competitors up here and then we will explain the show. For those of you who are unaware, our first competitor coming to the stage, everybody you know, I'm from the Panties in the mouth podcast. Make some noise for the hilarious Lamare Lee.

[A]

Lamar, very happy to have you on Story Wars. It is your first time competing, right?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And he's hyped.

[D]

I'm here to win, Louis.

[A]

I know you are. You're competition. Competition. Tonight, returning Story wars player. You know him from the being in with podcast with Jordan. Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Ian Finance.

[B]

Ian, did you get Lasik or did a bully take your glasses?

[C]

I did Brazilian jiu jitsu today and I, I, I wore contacts.

[B]

Oh, I thought maybe a guy choked your vis. I can see.

[A]

And also he didn't do Brazilian jiu jitsu. He had sex with a man.

[B]

Yeah, I had, but he was Brazilian. So uncircumcised.

[C]

A Jew. So it was great. It worked out.

[B]

Last but not least, our final competitor. First time here on Story Awards. It is our honor. He's a broadcasting legend from Bennington on SiriusXM. How about it for the hilarious Ron Bennington in the house. Ronnie B. Thank you for being here with us, my man.

[E]

What a pleasure. I'll be playing for the Epstein victims. Seems to be in the news a little bit.

[B]

That's an easy way to get people on your side.

[E]

Yeah. Oh, God, yeah.

[B]

We never choose people to play for. That was so Stupid of us. Thank you all for I will now explain the game. For those of you listening at home for the first time or anybody here who is unaware, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Louis Neighbors.

[C]

He's right, Alex.

[B]

Neighbors. Our lovely producer Alex is going to take eight of those stories, read them off one at a time. It'll appear here on the screen for you. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody else. It's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

And for every person you fool, you get one point on the panel. So if it's your story, you can win up to four points every time you guess the story correctly. It is two points. Once you write the name of the person you're voting for and put it in this little slot right here and remove your hand, that is it. That is your final answer. You can change it. And I'll tell you right now, this game is so much fun. We always have a ton of fun, but we don't play for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[B]

Every week here on Story wars, everyone is competing for a book from our Story wars library. Tonight's winner goes home with the Art of War by Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu's the Art of War is a foundational text on strategy and psychological warfare, providing a framework for leaders to achieve success through careful planning rather than brute force. For instance, chapter 13, the use of spies and the Crucial Role of Intelligence Gathering in a Successful Military camp. Yeah, Sun Tzu. I want to keep it here in house, Louis.

[A]

Well, listen, it's one of my favorite books. I've read it many, many times. It's honestly why I'm so good at Story Wars. It does. It's the Art of Story Wars.

[B]

I did feel like it was going to be a thicker book.

[A]

Very simple. It's a picture book. I like that.

[D]

It's that. I like that. I like a short book.

[B]

Is it always this small?

[A]

It's actually. It's in Japanese. No, it's not. But it's poems.

[B]

It's poems. No, it is in Japanese, you idiot. Look, it's very simple. Numbers are not this issue. It is a question of not attacking too aggressively. It says aggressively. Concentrate.

[A]

You must strike her while the iron is a hut.

[B]

No mercy. Enemy deserving no mercy.

[A]

No can defend. That's chapter three. Chapter three, no can defend.

[B]

Crane kick, exclusively. Does everybody here understand this game?

[A]

I get it.

[B]

I think if they're gonna get it, they're gonna get it. So I think this crowd's ready for war.

[A]

I don't think they are.

[B]

Jay, is this crowd ready? Alexandra, with no further ado. Story number one.

[F]

Story number one. I watched my pregnant 12 year old neighbor play double Dutch at 3am well.

[B]

This does reek of black guy.

[A]

Double Dutch, pregnant, 12, 3am so much happening here.

[D]

I know that's a lot. I think it's Louis, though. This sounds like a Lewis story.

[A]

I mean, it kind of does. Puerto Rican is pretty close to black.

[B]

If it's not you. It is Louis. You realize for sure. Double Dutch at three. It's. I mean, this is.

[A]

That's the hood. That only happens in the hood.

[B]

But I did a little double Dutch in my life.

[A]

But you also grew up, I think.

[B]

Grew up in the hood.

[A]

He grew up in the hood.

[D]

Ian's from Delaware. Delaware is kind of the hood sometimes.

[A]

That's also true.

[B]

There is some hood in Delaware.

[C]

I think it's Ron. I think it's Ron. Because Ron Ronnie grew up in Marcus Hook, which is a bad, bad area.

[E]

It's not true. What I went to. I went to elementary school there, but I'm a Twin Oaks boy. I'm Upper Chichester, so I didn't know.

[C]

We were with royalty. I'm so sorry.

[E]

I'll just say this. We nice. Deal with it, Louis. How's that sound?

[A]

But also, Ron is from a generation where being pregnant at 12 was kind of the norm.

[B]

Yeah, well, it was only if it was by her 35 year old husband.

[A]

Yeah, she was married to Elvis. I think.

[B]

This. I mean, I feel like I'm really dicking around here trying to stretch before I write down the words La Mer. I believe that's two words, by the way.

[A]

Just one.

[E]

How does. How's it spelled? I'm just gonna put LM down for you. You'll know.

[B]

I think there's an apostrophe and a semicolon.

[D]

My mom got it from Family Feud.

[A]

Lamar, you are black, but you're also one of like the nerdiest, sweetest. Like you're not like a ghetto black guy. Did you grow up in the hood?

[D]

Did I grow. I was born in Detroit.

[C]

What, you're one of them nice, sweet blacks?

[B]

I say. I'll say you ain't. I reckon you good enough to come inside.

[C]

I ain't Never. I ain't never heard you be loud or nothing. Oh, my God.

[E]

Lamir. I'm guessing Haitian background. Do you have a Haitian background?

[D]

No. I was born in Detroit. My mom got my name from Family Feud. She saw the Lamar family on there and was like, that's it.

[B]

She took a family's last name.

[E]

Dude, it's Lamar. It's him.

[B]

It's got to be.

[C]

Show me. Who watched their pregnant neighbor do double ducks?

[D]

I'm still going, Louis.

[A]

Why do you. Why do you think it's me? Because you have to vote for somebody besides yourself.

[B]

You did force them to.

[D]

I mean, I don't know. Somebody with a stabbed parent. That's kind of hoodish, you know?

[A]

No, it's very. I was born in Patterson, New Jersey. I grew up in West Havisham, New York, which is kind of hood. And look, I don't know.

[B]

Best friend was a white kid named Forrest. You enforce making it through the mean streets of Rockland. Shut up. It's nonsense. But you are trash. And you may have watched these things happen before.

[A]

I mean, look, I'm. Look, I'll get the voting going. People always accuse me of voting last. They think I'm cheating. I'm very good at the show. People. There's a whole thing on Reddit. They're like, dude, Lou's gonna stop playing. He's too good. I will never stop playing. I'm the fucking story war champion, the ultimate story warrior. And I'm gonna go for broke every time. I will never hold back. I know that this is la merely.

[B]

Why are you making it like you were gonna pull some crazy thing out of your ass? We've all described exactly why. It's 100% La Mer. I'll go first. So you see that? I'm the one. You are a crazy asshole. I think I spelled this right. Oh, boom.

[D]

I'm sticking to my guns.

[C]

Why. Why did you. Why did. Why did it. As tiny as your teeth. Understand what that is about?

[D]

I thought he needed space.

[A]

I don't know. Lair Lamar using eight point font.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

You didn't even write it confidently.

[B]

We're going to zoom in on the video of this. It's going to. I'm happy you did that, Lamare, because this is what Lewis. Lewis, he lets me lead the charge on how it's somebody else, and everybody goes there. And then Lewis steals a bunch of points. Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He's a piece of shit. So you did a good thing.

[C]

I am going with Ronald Bennington.

[A]

Ooh, that's kind Of a good. That was my second choice.

[B]

Maybe.

[E]

I'm going with LM or Lim.

[B]

Lemmerly.

[C]

His last name's not Mayor.

[B]

Isn't it though?

[D]

It might as well be.

[A]

Alex. All of our answers. Answers are in. Who does story number one belong to?

[F]

Story number one belongs to Lamar Le.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So.

[A]

Lamare. I mean, could you have written a more black story? Jesus Christ.

[D]

I. I tried not to. I tried to.

[A]

Was like, oh yeah, I don't know. My dad and I love fried chicken. All right, it's Lamar, obviously.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Louis. On the nose, bud.

[E]

Now, Lamar, did you watch the whole thing or just til you come?

[D]

This happened when I was a kid and yeah, it was. We were just hanging out.

[A]

How old were you?

[D]

I was probably like 10. We were on the porch and you.

[A]

Saw her and then you were like, oh shit, she fucks.

[B]

Let's go.

[D]

My mom was like, stay away from that fast ass little girl. That's what she was saying.

[B]

Yeah, mama, she's pregnant.

[E]

3:00Am and he's on the front porch watching a kid across the street. Yeah. This is why we've canceled dei. It's not my thing, but it's set for life at that point.

[A]

Oh yeah, I just realized that Lemaire looks exactly like the grown up version of the little chubby black kid from Hook that rolled and made himself into a ball. You remember that little kid?

[C]

Oh my God. And. And instead of eating made up food, he eats real food.

[E]

The kid was adorable.

[A]

He was adorable. Alex, where are points at all right?

[F]

In last place with zero points, Ian Finance.

[C]

Yeah, I'll come back.

[F]

In fourth place with one point. La Mer Lee.

[C]

Wait, how did he get a point?

[E]

You.

[A]

Because you voted for Ron.

[E]

Oh, you got him the point.

[B]

You got nothing and gave everything.

[F]

And tied for the lead with two points each. Louis J. Gomez, Big J. Okerson, and Ron Bennington.

[E]

All right.

[B]

Feels good. That's a good start.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Well, this was a fun game. Thanks for having us all here, Ron.

[B]

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[A]

Are you. Are you saying you literally looked and pointed directly at me? What is that supposed to mean?

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Alex? Story number two.

[F]

Story number two. I kicked down the door to my neighbor's apartment during a party to choke her boyfriend for talking shit. I blacked out in anger, and when I came to, a family member was pulling while screaming that I was a good boy.

[B]

Well, again, this. This slaps of Lewis, obviously, but let me say I'm a couple places here where this is not Lewis. A f. If Lewis even had a family member, which he has none.

[A]

True.

[B]

I have.

[A]

I have multiple family members.

[B]

And the reason they wouldn't put. Most of them aren't around anymore because they wouldn't pull anybody off. Anybody. You know what I mean?

[A]

They're like, good idea, Lewis.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. This is, dare I say, not Lewis. Oh, this has bit me before.

[A]

Bit you before? No, that was La Mer, actually.

[D]

This is very Ian coated.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, Ian's a little the lunatic. He's punk rock. He's sca. Scott. Makes you rageful. It's such shitty music that turns you into a lunatic.

[B]

You kicked in a door, you choked her boyfriend, then you kissed him, then you blacked out. Family members come everywhere. And you were a good boy. You are a good boy. Thank you. And you're a good boy.

[C]

I think. I. I don't know. I'm between Louis and Ron.

[A]

You're between Lemaire and Ron.

[E]

Seriously? That was good.

[C]

I don't. I'm not. I'm not going to say who yet.

[A]

You don't have to. Please. What do you. What do you think, though? Why you think it is me? Iran?

[C]

Well, you're trash. Okay, so this seems like that hurt. Seems like something that would happen in the mean streets of Rockland County. You know, he was saying you didn't do a good job managing a kfc. You went over to beat out of them, you know, kind of makes sense.

[B]

Was a. Was a 20 somethings, Ron. This possibly wild. I mean, I couldn't see this, like kicking in a door to.

[C]

Yeah, Ron used to do angel dust.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Ron used to be an actual problem.

[E]

You know, I thought that in the meetings, that could be a safe place to talk.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, Ron is doing a little self soothing right now. I feel like he's hiding something.

[E]

Well, here's what I'm doing. I'm trying to. Because now if I think it's Ian, I'm trying to find a clue somewhere in his tattoos. You know how they always have a story for everything.

[A]

Blacked out in anger and came to. Oh, so it wasn't a blackout and alcohol, but it must have been a. I'm imagining a big party. Everyone's getting up, but this just seems like Ian Lamar's a sweet boy.

[D]

Louis, I don't think you would, like, black out in anger. I can see you getting really mad, but then, like, if something bad was about to happen, you're like, yo, yo, doggy, watch out, you know?

[A]

No, I don't black out in anger.

[B]

He browns out.

[A]

No, when I get angry, it wakes me up. I'm in my highest form when I'm angry. Yeah, yeah, there's no blackout. Also, Jay. Jay. I don't know why we're avoiding J. I understand. Here's the problem. Jay's new boys to men look is throwing everyone off. Jay is a viol animal. I've watched Jay physically attack people.

[B]

Oh, would a violent animal be able to do this?

[E]

That was beautiful.

[B]

Is that this guy? Is that the guy from the story? It doesn't seem like it is.

[A]

Jay's got a lot of anger, you know? And look, he has family members.

[B]

Watch your mouth, dude. Yo, pick your next words carefully.

[A]

Black anger during a party. Okay, it is a party. Okay, I'm getting. I'm getting Ian or Jay vibes. Ian, defend yourself. Why? Isn't this you?

[B]

Yeah, I think it's Ian.

[D]

Jay's not a party guy.

[B]

Right. Not into it and was never invited. Are those coincidences? I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, but when Jay was younger, he could have been a party guy.

[B]

Yeah, and no, that's when I would have been.

[A]

But they.

[B]

That's when they didn't invite me. Now they invite me. I'm not a party guy. So it's.

[C]

I'm thinking Jay got, like, bullied for being overweight and he was a kid and went over and just got angry and tackled someone.

[B]

That's what I think I did sometimes get, like, fat rage, you know?

[A]

You were hungry.

[B]

My grandmother would give. She would go. She goes, if those kids keep saying those things, go out there. And she would say, go sit on.

[A]

Them.

[B]

With my arms folded. I guess in some way, she was picturing it.

[C]

You're thinking yokozuna of northeast Philly. Go get him.

[B]

She was saying it to make me feel better, for sure. But, like, how would that make you feel better?

[C]

Hey, you know how you're abnormally large? Use it.

[B]

Yeah. Fall on him if you're so fat, they say. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, Ian. Ian's got a wild side to him. Ian, look.

[B]

Yeah. No, he's in the hardcore music scene.

[E]

Can. Why are we kidding ourselves? We know it's looking. Louis, why are we having this conversation?

[A]

Ronnie, I'll tell you right now.

[E]

Here's the thing. I do a prank to my friends when I see them on the streets of New York, if they know it's not me, and I go up to them and I put my head down in their armpit, and then I just start to push like that while they're screaming like, no, no. And I saw Louis in front of the pizza place, and I started to head in, and then I went, what the fuck am I doing? He dreams of something like this every.

[C]

Night of his life. Do you know a I've been doing to friends?

[B]

He's always got his eyes open for a problem, you know?

[C]

You know, it's a. A real fun prank I've been doing lately is going up to a friend in public and taking my phone out and going, this guy's here to meet a kid.

[B]

I like. I like that a lot. Yeah, dude, I like that a lot.

[C]

I did it to my buddy in the bathroom at the best prank.

[A]

You're in a Walmart.

[B]

Grocery store. Walmart. That's where they catch them all.

[E]

It's better not to do it to a friend. Just a stranger.

[C]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[A]

I'm stealing this prank, dude.

[C]

It's the best. I did it to my buddy last week. We saw Blink 1A2 in Florida, and it was in the bathroom.

[A]

He got jumped by a bunch of people.

[C]

And I go, this guy's here to meet a kid? He goes, no, I'm not. No, I'm not.

[E]

That sounds guilty.

[B]

Yeah, because you're all adults at a Blink 182 concert. You're all there to meet children.

[A]

But it's like, literally the only reaction to that is to say the things that the pedophiles are saying, yeah.

[B]

It's like that's someone different. That's not even my screen name.

[C]

I just wanted to give them guidance.

[B]

No one's gonna tell them that this is dangerous and they shouldn't do this. Look, thank God for you. It's me.

[A]

We gotta get some voting going. You already wrote somebody down. You wanna get the voting going.

[D]

That was a good distractionary anecdote, Ian, but you are my fucking guy.

[B]

I think, Ian. Wow. I think, wow.

[C]

I'm going Lewis. I'm going. Obvious choice, Lewis.

[B]

Everyone picks Lewis is just really.

[A]

I'm going Ian. Even though part of me thinks it could be Jay, could be Ryan, it could be Lair.

[C]

Are you gonna let go?

[A]

All of our answers are in Alex.

[F]

Story number two belongs to Ian. Fuck.

[B]

It was.

[C]

Yes. Yes, it was me.

[A]

When was this, ian?

[C]

This was 2009, 2010.

[B]

Blink 1A2 concert.

[C]

I just got out of the hospital and my mom was bringing me to my apartment to get my stuff because I had to go away for a while and I went to my neighbor, I asked my neighbor Jess if she'd watch my cat. And her boyfriend was in the living room. He's like, fuck Ian. He's a piece of shit drunk. And I just kicked the door in and I blacked out. And I came to and I was choking him and my. Everybody was screaming and my mom pulled me off him and goes, my son is a good boy.

[E]

So obvious now.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Why were you going to. Where were you being sent away to? You're being committed?

[C]

Detox. I had to go to detox.

[A]

You were an addict?

[C]

And then I had to go to outpatient rehab.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Were you there?

[A]

It's your sponsor. He's your sponsor, Chris. We brought him here.

[C]

Sorry I haven't been calling you. I'm scared of doing my fourth step. Yeah. So. Yeah. And then once I got to the. Because they. They took me in and I was too drunk, so they had to take me to the hospital. And I pulled my IV bag out and sprayed blood all over the nurses and spiked it like a football. I just. I just kept screaming like, what are you, the joke?

[B]

The.

[A]

Is that why so serious?

[C]

Well, I was pissed because I was like, look, if you just give me vodka, I'll feel better, leave you alone. And then they had to strap me down and put a spit mask on me. And then my mom had to pick me up and then I had to, because they wouldn't let me in the.

[A]

Was she still calling you a good boy at this point? Because she was wrong. Your mom was wrong.

[C]

Yeah, my. My mom was.

[B]

Was a good boy. You're in the cell blowing a guy and stabbing another guy. No, this is not him. This is. It's a vodka.

[C]

Yep. 10 years sober.

[A]

Yeah, dude, 10 years sober.

[C]

And funnily enough, that guy that I choked. Dead. Now Ian wins again.

[B]

He had a crushed larynx he never quite recovered from.

[A]

He was allergic to cats. Alex, we have two stories down. Where are our points after two stories?

[F]

All right, in last place with one point in finance. In fourth place with two points, Ron Bennington. In third place with three points, La Mer Lee. And tied for the lead with four points each, Louis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson.

[A]

Turkey.

[B]

Turkey.

[E]

Hey, guys, even though I lost, it was fun to come here tonight.

[B]

No, Ron, you don't understand. There's a few more of these. All right, Alex, Story number three.

[F]

Story number three. Oh, my God. The first time I saw a dead body was my neighbor being dragged from his home after a heart attack. I was 7, and my mother woke me up to watch.

[B]

Lewis, how old were you when your father was stabbed?

[A]

Come on, dude.

[B]

No, come on, dude. How old were you when he was struck down like a Jedi?

[A]

Four years old.

[B]

Four.

[A]

Yes. So that was the first time I saw a dead body. So you know it's not me.

[B]

You didn't see that body.

[A]

I mean, I saw. I was at his funeral.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you kiss him and cry and they had to pull you off of him?

[A]

But it was a Puerto Rican funeral. They had him up in a chair smoking a cigarette.

[B]

Oh, yeah, dude. They involved him like this, giving, like gangs. Your dad was the best.

[D]

I think this is a. This is a Ron story. This feels like a Ron. It could be Lewis, but I don't think his mother could wake up. She was on heroin.

[B]

I don't know. There's a few things that'll perk up even a junkie. And that's a dead body in the neighborhood. And you're gonna wake up your boy, your only friend. She was competing with Lewis's sister for who was the hottest in the house. So she had the.

[A]

Ron, when's the first time you saw a dead body?

[E]

Again, it was a relative. It was like three or four. Forced to kiss a dead body in a casket the Irish Catholic way.

[C]

Thank God you added in a casket.

[E]

Yeah, that happened at 7. The other thing that you're talking about, I. I mean, to me, this is a J story 100 because it's so passive, you know? I mean, he Just somebody had to call him in.

[B]

My mom wouldn't wake me up for this. My mom knew. My mom's. My young life was. Her life was marred by me. Her allowing me, because she was a young mom, to watch, like, terrifying movies when I was way young.

[C]

So she think you'd. You'd enjoy it?

[B]

No. No. What she knew was that means every night when she was in her room trying to be 22 and flicking bean or fucking some guy, all of a sudden, her fat little pajama. Some would be trying to not make the floor squeak to sneak into her room so she wouldn't wake me up to see something that would keep me up in the middle of the night.

[A]

But you're allowed to lie on this show, so that could.

[B]

That was elaborate, though.

[C]

That was so elaborate that, you know, it was. It was a lie.

[E]

He's gone.

[A]

I will say this does. Because Jay, when he was a little kid, he was like a. A fat little mama's boy. And I can see your mom being like, jay, you gotta come see this. Yeah.

[B]

No way.

[C]

Be like, Jay.

[B]

He's dead. Is he.

[C]

Is this ghost here?

[B]

That's what my mom knows. I was Mom.

[C]

Is that cream soda coming out of his mouth?

[B]

Does this dead guy mean I can't have sugary cereals?

[E]

This is the saddest show I've ever heard in my life.

[A]

It's horrifying, Lemaire. And by the way, all the stories are randomly picked, so it could be any. It could be Ian twice in a row again.

[D]

Yeah, I was thinking it might be Ian twice in a row, but I don't know. Ian's not showing the same symptoms of being questioned as before.

[B]

Ian, what was your relationship with your mother?

[C]

It was good. This isn't about me, Jay.

[B]

Well, I know she knows you. Thinks you were a good boy. Did a good boy deserve to watch a dead body?

[C]

This good boy saw dead bodies way before seven.

[B]

Really? Yeah. Explain, please. That seems uncomfortable.

[C]

Just like a lot of relatives died.

[B]

Oh, like at funeral homes?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I thought you were saying, like, in this Mean Streets, like, what were you in fucking Sarajevo?

[A]

I. I'm getting major big J vibes, and I see him writing my name now, which I. Oh, I wonder why.

[B]

You got my vibes since I wrote your name down. Yeah, that's a smart move to try to drive everybody over to me because it's definitely you.

[A]

This is what Jay does when my.

[B]

Mother wouldn't wake me.

[C]

It's Jay.

[A]

I know it's 100.

[B]

My mother will Answer J. But, Dean, don't take your hand off. Let me tell you why. Why, why, why?

[C]

Why am I listening?

[B]

Listen to me. I've done this on the show. I'm telling you. I could call my mother. She would answer the phone right now. Let me just say, can't do it. Can't.

[A]

Let me say this. You can call her afterwards to prove it. If you'd like to.

[B]

I'm willing to tell you. I'll call my mom. I could be lying still, so that's fair. I call right after this to prove.

[A]

This doesn't mean anything. Jay's terrified that he's losing all these points right now. He's freaking out. It means nothing. Call her afterwards. Whether it's you or not, the points are done.

[E]

Why would he care?

[A]

It's crazy if we were wrong because you're gonna give.

[B]

If it's Lewis, you're gonna give Lewis all the points. And I think it's Lewis. Lewis just did a flip move. When I said him, he did a flipperoo on me and got everybody to go. It was crazy what he did, and it was brilliant, but it worked.

[A]

Ron.

[B]

Yeah, but I don't know. I don't know if it's Ron.

[C]

Lewis. Lewis saw a dead body before seven.

[A]

I saw it. I saw multiple dead bodies. There was the one time we found the dead body, but down by the. The train tracks by the creek. Me and my friends were walking along long.

[C]

You want to see dead.

[B]

I don't know that it's Lewis. I don't know that it's Lewis, but it's not me.

[A]

Ron. Jay is a li. Jay is a liar.

[B]

Ron.

[A]

Don't take her out of my run. Don't take her.

[B]

Take your hand.

[A]

What do I do?

[B]

You're doing the right thing there, Ron. I don't know if it's Lewis, but it's not me. If you.

[A]

It is 100% big J could be Ron. Ron.

[C]

Oh, no. I didn't even think of Ron.

[B]

Ian, you fool.

[E]

Ian. I literally told you this story before.

[C]

Oh, fuck. Oh, God damn it.

[E]

I'm gonna back up, Jake, because I'm gonna tell you this. I'm not that interested in people, so this is a difficult game for me to think that anyone would care about any of these stories.

[B]

What?

[E]

But I'm gonna. I believe in one thing. I believe in Big J Okerson.

[C]

Well, we all do, but he's also lying.

[B]

My promise to you was that it wasn't me.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I believe it's Lewis, but it's not me.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Yes. Good answer.

[B]

You have yourself so hard it's crazy. And I'm watching you do it.

[A]

I'm watch.

[B]

Watching you push the needle right into your arm and I ain't doing nothing about it.

[C]

Oh, it may be wrong. I think it's wrong.

[D]

God damn it.

[C]

No, it's Jay. It's Jay.

[A]

I believe it's Jay. But I will say that Jay's. If it is Jay, he's pretty good at acting at this point. Yeah, cuz I'm starting to bite.

[B]

That's all I got, man.

[D]

Can you explain your. Is there any other way? Can you explain away your. Your love of morbidity then?

[B]

My what?

[D]

Your. Your love of like watching people die and stuff?

[B]

What do you think I like watching people die?

[D]

I think you do, dude. I think you like watching people die.

[B]

You're just assuming that I like watching people die. I don't like that at all. What are you. You mean true crime? I do enjoy truth.

[A]

That counts, but I don't. We got to get this vote in, my friend.

[D]

Okay, I'm going, Ron.

[A]

That is my. That is my second.

[C]

So confused. He was about to vote for himself.

[B]

How's this crazy game work?

[D]

God damn.

[B]

Alex. Everybody's in. Oh, this is a biggie.

[A]

This a big. This is a big round right here, boys.

[F]

Story number three belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

No, my mother didn't take me to my father's funeral when I was 4. That would be crazy. There was no way I could see my dad's dead body when I was four years old. Yeah, the first time it was my neighbor, it was, you know, it's exactly what the story says. My mom, there was all these like ambulance in front of the house and my mom wakes me up, she's like, hey, hey, come look out front. I didn't know why. Just groggy eyed at like 2 in the morning, I was. I see a body being dragged from the house in a body bag and it haunted me to this day.

[B]

Yeah, that is.

[A]

I can't unsee this dead body. It was just in a body bag. And I was a huge undertaker fan. It ruined that for me.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

No.

[B]

If you put him in that bag, he stood for real.

[C]

Dude, that is cra. What was she thinking?

[A]

She was a junkie. Ian.

[C]

Afterwards, did she just go, we all float down here. That's evil.

[B]

Yeah. Dude. Isn't it great when you realize when you were. That you were really ripe for the picking for a good molester? I was I can't believe I wasn't just taken. I would have went probably.

[D]

Jay, Ron, I'd like to be a big man here and apologize.

[B]

It's okay.

[D]

I should have believed you guys.

[B]

I. I looked to you. I would have called my mother. What are the scores?

[F]

All right. In last place with one point in finance.

[C]

I've already read the book. Okay, I don't need the book.

[F]

In fourth place with three points, Lamare Lee. In third place with four points, Ron Bennington. And tied for the lead with six points each, the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis Jacobs.

[B]

Hand turkey.

[E]

They are good.

[B]

Both.

[C]

Incredible.

[B]

Both. So it's way early to say this. We're both throwing a perfect game right now.

[A]

Yeah, we're both doing great right now. Jinx and Jay. Jay is terrible at this game. Terrible. It's going to fall apart.

[B]

My bookshelves are empty at home. I've never won. I bought a bookshelf because I was like, it'll be fun to have all the signed books, remember all the ones I win. And there's nothing on it at all. There's a sono speaker and a. And a cringe humor award I won for upand cominging comedian of 2009. I had already been doing it for 10 years.

[E]

Well, guys, thanks for having me in.

[C]

So much fun.

[B]

There's literally five more stories.

[A]

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Cash App for supporting story. War story warriors. I'll tell you right now, we all use Cash App. If you. If you've ever been with a Puerto Rican hooker, you've used Cash App. I'll tell you that much. But they have an incredible thing that they just started doing. They have a Cash App, teens, which is designed for ages.

[B]

Oh, nice, dude. Oh. Oh, sorry. Oh, I woke up. Wow.

[A]

What they're advertising this on.

[B]

Damn, dude, this thing is brazen.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. It's not. Teen prostitutes.

[D]

Jay.

[A]

Cash App is designed to meet tea, to meet teens.

[B]

Wait, yeah.

[A]

To meet teens. Maybe. I'm reading this. They have a version where you can let your teen use it. Ages 13 to 17. And it has intuitive educational tools. It's available through sponsorship by an eligible parent or guardian. So they get a Cash App card. It's a great way to teach your teen responsibility and how to save money, how to, you know, to manage their money and how to budget their money the right way.

[B]

Yeah. This platform also has tools that can help teens develop. Dude. Real world financial habits in a space that's safe and easy to navigate. All with your oversight and approval. They have to do whatever you say.

[A]

We'll say that Cash App really allows teens to fill out their information online.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

In order to have. In order to have access to incredible tools to just be become better and more fiscally responsible. With Cash App, these tools become something they actually want to use because they were designed with them in mind. Finally, no one wants unnecessary surprises. And with Cash App, there is no monthly fees, there's no minimum balance requirements and no hidden charges when sending or receiving money. And it is better to receive, if you know what I mean.

[B]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[A]

With the Cash App card, you and your teens balances receive 24. 7 fraud monitoring and.

[B]

And if something watched the whole time.

[A]

And if something ever feels off, you have the ability to look at their card right from your phone in just one tap. So skip the stress and give your teen a way to learn financial responsibility with no hidden fees. Download Cash App today and get started today. And for a limited time only new Cash App customers can use our exclusive code to earn additional cash. So download the Cash App right now and use now.

[B]

Honey, honey, it's dad. I put some money into your Cash App and noticed that you already had $75,000 in there. Can you explain that by any chance?

[A]

Just download Cash App and use the promo code Family10 in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. This seems like it's a terrible idea for Cash App but a great idea for you guys. It's free money. I don't literally. The math doesn't add up. It makes no sense, but they're doing it. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. And banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank Member FDIC direct deposit roundups.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

Over overdraft coverage and discounts provided by Cash App, a Block Inc. Brand visit Cash App slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures.

[B]

Man, I am completely filled up.

[A]

Bricked up. Bricked up right now. All right, where were we? Story number four.

[F]

Story number four. When I was a kid, I would rummage through my neighbor's garbage because he had empty condom boxes that had nude women on them.

[A]

Them.

[F]

I kept the boxes hidden in my room.

[A]

If there was ever a big J origin story.

[B]

No. Come on. You really think this is me?

[A]

Yes. Are you kidding me, buddy?

[B]

I had better access to pornography than this.

[A]

This is pre Internet, right? The mayor's young as, right? How old are you, Lamar?

[D]

I'm 35 as of last week.

[A]

Not young as, but I mean you weren't rummaging through garbage for condom.

[B]

I think he was. I disagree.

[E]

Hey, there were no condoms in his neighborhood.

[A]

That's what happened to that 12 year old girl.

[C]

Yeah, they're 12 years old getting pregnant. This poor little horny raccoon over here couldn't get it done.

[A]

Jay is a pervert. He loves porn. Have. And I know the boxes, specifically what they are back in the day. And like yeah, in the 80s, I.

[B]

Don'T recall naked women on a pecan box.

[C]

Maybe snows because he's the one.

[A]

Maybe it is. I guess so. But I've seen these boxes. 1% hundred. 100. And they were girls. They had like their spread on them.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

Literally it was straight up porn on the condom box.

[B]

Really?

[A]

You don't remember these?

[B]

No.

[A]

You definitely. This is your story. You lying.

[B]

Condoms on my life, all my life. Condoms to me mother right now, my life.

[A]

She wouldn't really know this, Jay.

[B]

She'll tell you if I'm this person.

[A]

Ian.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

You're a little bit of a horn dog.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I never did this.

[A]

And how, how old are you?

[C]

40.

[A]

You're 40. See, this is a generation.

[C]

Oh my God.

[B]

Hi.

[E]

None.

[A]

Hey, mom.

[B]

I'm on my Story wars podcast right now. Just quick, quick question.

[A]

Hold on, let me, let me answer it. Let me ask it.

[B]

Sure. Lewis has a question for you, mom.

[A]

First of all, nice to talk to you. Hi Lewis, how are you? I'm pretty good. Not too bad. Well, anyway, do you believe that your son is the type of kid.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

That would do this? Do you believe and be honest about this? Do you think that Jay, when he was a young man, maybe a teenage years, would, would, would rummage through his neighbor's garbage because they had empty condom boxes that had nude women on them? Do you think that he wouldn't possibly keep the condom boxes hidden in his room? Is that your son? Could that be him?

[B]

No. Nice. Wow. I love you.

[A]

Well, listen, listen.

[B]

Gonna say you're lying because you're Jewish?

[A]

Yeah. No. Jay, you're a liar like your son. We don't to try trust you.

[B]

I love you, mom. I'll call you tomorrow. By the way. And my mother, at one point, my little brother, who knew where my porn magazines were when he was like an autistic 3 year old, started saying the word big tits over and over again. And my mom just started watching him and he just kept saying big tits and walking to my room and then stared. He stared at a telescope box that I did not have a telescope. It was filled with porn magazines. And he just kept saying the word big tits. And my mom touched that box and it rained porn magazines on her. So she knows I wouldn't waste my time with some fucking condom box. I stole porn magazines.

[E]

You're good, Jay. You're good.

[A]

Wow. Oh no, Ron. No, too late.

[B]

Yeah, Lewis like knew the thing. He knew the.

[E]

He gave it away.

[B]

He's going on turning into a seal.

[A]

Hold on. When I lie, I do seal impressions. Everyone knows that now. What are you doing?

[B]

It would be back to back Lewis. Oh, he's panicking. It would be back to back Lewis. So I didn't think, but it is.

[A]

This is Big J. You guys are idiots. You're throwing throw.

[B]

He's so upset. Look how sad he is.

[A]

It's so obviously Big J. You fools. What? It's not really random. They wouldn't put me twice in a row.

[C]

Yo, didn't you hear what his mom said?

[B]

No.

[A]

No, he wouldn't do that now, my son.

[B]

Boy, why the would you wait so long to show me that perfect impression of my mother? Ian, what the. Why would you hold back that dead on impression of terror?

[C]

I was waiting for the.

[D]

This game's good. This game's good.

[C]

Yeah. Congrats, Ronnie B.

[B]

Can we talk about Philly moms? My mom would have answered if I called her at 3:30 in the morning.

[E]

You know, there was a friend of mine, Mitchell Walters. Anytime you called his dad, he would just go jack a spate. Because these motherfuckers had card tricks planned. And he would win money saying my dad can guess the card. On the phone I saw people lose hundreds of dollars and it was always jack of spades.

[B]

You know what I mean? Somehow it always got the jack of spades.

[E]

First time I saw him do it, I'm like, fuck, that's a good trick. And then I go, oh no. These two Jews are cheating everybody in Miami Beach.

[B]

They will eventually get killed.

[E]

Yeah, well, they're both dead now.

[B]

Oh, nice. Good, good, good. Yes.

[A]

Ian killed them.

[D]

You guys.

[A]

What do you think, my friend?

[D]

You guys never even questioned if it was Ron. Ron hasn't had one come up yet.

[B]

That's true. It could be wrong.

[E]

I didn't even put in any questions. I mean, this is my first time on the game.

[B]

We send stories.

[D]

If I guess Ron every time, will I lose?

[A]

No, no, you could just guess wrong every time if you'd like. It's a Terrible strategy. You'll eventually get points. Probably at some point.

[C]

You'll so easy to manipulate. It's crazy.

[B]

Lair, you're an adult dude. You're a smart, strong man.

[C]

You know you get extra points if you write your Social Security number. He's right. He's right.

[B]

What's your banking password?

[D]

I'm going with my instincts. The horniest guy at these two tables is Big J. Omare Lee.

[A]

No, not me. Oh, the mayor's a little pervert too, but he's too young, I think, for these condom boxes.

[B]

Yo, yo. This might be lamer.

[C]

Lamar is a big per.

[B]

We may have straight up. Lamar might have just.

[A]

Lemaire's a real pervert.

[C]

Yeah, like a sick, twisted fellow.

[A]

Mud dude got Lair got catfish once.

[B]

I think he lost his virginity.

[A]

No, no, he just. He got covered in catfish, and then he loves catfish, this guy.

[B]

I think Lair lost his virginity to a gay trans. I don't even know what that means. Is that so many things I don't even know. Is that just a lady?

[A]

A lady? I think. Alex, all of our answers are in. Who does story number four belong to?

[F]

Story number four belongs to Lewis J.

[C]

Finally, I'm on the board.

[B]

They wouldn't do me back to back. You're crazy.

[C]

Can I. Can I say you. You gave it away off the rip. You were like.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

When we were little, there were these boxes with pussies on it.

[B]

Dude, I thought I'd never seen that.

[A]

I was hiding in plain sight. I thought that was gonna really.

[D]

It worked on me, dude. It's like Superman's glasses.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was right there. But you believe I fall for it weekly. Damn it. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that's it. There was a guy. It was a guy like, maybe, I want to say, 10 doors down from me. And we were, like, one day just playing, like, in the street, and we saw, like, his garbage, like, spilling open. Like, maybe cats had gotten into it. And we saw all these condom boxes, and it was. Yeah, it was like porn stars with their pussy spread open or a girl stuck in a dick. It was on the COVID of these boxes. And me and my friends were like, yes. And we started digging through the garbage, and then we would regularly return to his garbage to dig through his garbage. And very often, he did not have any point. It was just us just digging through garbage.

[B]

Now, you realize it's not easy for a guy who's using condoms to get constantly.

[C]

So your boners are dependent on how often that guy.

[B]

No, that guy had. That guy had to three Times for you to have a new to jerk off to.

[A]

Dude, I. I had a drop. Like a drop ceiling, like a shitty office that was in my bedroom and I used to keep them in my ceiling and I would jerk off the garbage.

[B]

Garbage. That's how. Oh, yeah, dude. That's how John Bender escaped the closet.

[E]

At least it smelled like fish. So.

[A]

I like a. Like a. Just a fishbone.

[B]

Just cartoon garbage. Fishbone.

[C]

One boot.

[B]

A toilet seat. A ham with a giant bite taken out of it.

[A]

A can of fishbone. A boot. That's hilarious. All right, Alex, where are we at? I think I lost the lead.

[F]

All right. Tied for fourth place with three points each, Lamar Lee and Ian Fance. In third place with six points, Ron Bennington.

[E]

Thanks.

[B]

Wow.

[F]

In second place with seven points, Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Oh, no way.

[F]

And in the no way. With eight points.

[B]

Come on, Big J Okerson. Yo, you guys. You guys might be here for the night. You might be here for one of the night nights, dude. Very few nights.

[A]

He's only won five or six times out of 70 games.

[B]

This game has been going for over a year. Easy now he plays every four or five times. I've been involved in every single one of them. Lewis missed one and I lost that.

[A]

Let's. We are the halfway point of the show. We've gotten through four stories, which is great. Truly anybody's game still. But at this point, we're gonna just do some quick plugs. Ron, what are you plugging, my friend?

[E]

Well, I do have to leave now, but I just want to say that everything from the first. First half, I wanted to go out there and make sure everybody. I'll say this. David Byrne on the Bennington show tomorrow from Talking Heads.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[E]

And a quick announcement. He and I are starting a new band.

[B]

So.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Get out of here.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

What's it called?

[E]

It's just called the Other Talking Heads.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's brilliant. Because people will come thinking it might be the Talking Heads.

[E]

The other really small.

[B]

How long you got?

[A]

We're have Lamar write it.

[B]

Yeah, you doing it. You do it in a fishbowl thing in studio.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

That's awesome. Hell yeah.

[A]

Ian Finance.

[C]

Hi, everybody. Ian finance.com for all my tour dates next weekend, I'm going to be at Comedy Connection, Providence, Rhode Island. Then New Brunswick at Stress Factory. And September 26th, 27th in Toronto for JFL Toronto Comedy Bar. I'm going all over, so. Ianfidance.com for tickets and my YouTube page, Ian Finance Comedy. It's where all my standup goes. And I have a new travel show coming out called Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs. And that's coming out soon. So subscribe to that.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

I say. I say because I know those are Jay's dates.

[B]

Straight. Were those my days?

[C]

Let me call my mom to verify.

[D]

Panties in your mouth podcast. That's it. No, that's not it. September. September 9th at Phantom Power in Millersville, Pennsylvania. And also September 10th at Soul Joel's and Bots. That place.

[A]

This show will be coming out. This show will be coming out weeks after that happens.

[B]

How great was Pottstown?

[D]

It was a who.

[B]

Remember? Oh my God.

[A]

Remember?

[B]

They had cheese steaks that just were a little bit off of good. Yeah.

[D]

Let's go. Skank fest.

[B]

Big J, BigJ comedy.com for all my dates. I'm all over the place. Look for a se near you on Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour. Coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. Of course. Listen to the bonfire five days a week faction talk series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. Of course, the flagship show of Gas Digital right here, the Legion of Scout ganks. I'm doing live streams now. My YouTube Big J Okerson over on YouTube, so follow those. I'll be doing another one this week, so every week I'll be having at least one come out. So stay tuned for those double vinyl of them. They coming out very soon and I think that's it. We're doing story wars. The mothership at the comedy mothership. I don't know if you know that, but that's where comedy goes to fucking crush. Joe Rogan. Rogan told me so. That's the reason I take 73 pills every single morning.

[A]

Our friend Joe Rogan.

[B]

Turkey, turkey. Yo, me and Lewis have most of our phone calls from ice baths. That's how Rogan sphere we are. We don't around.

[E]

I just saw a Mark Marin PSA that disagrees with you 100%.

[B]

Okay, fair enough. Sure. Mark doesn't see it the same way. Okay, for sure.

[A]

That's cuz he's not in the Rogan sphere. I would feel that way as well if I wasn't in the Rogan sphere.

[B]

Yeah, he's not in the sphere. That guy probably pays for his Terry Black's barbecue. That guy. I haven't paid for brisket in Austin, Texas for three years, you idiot. Mark Mar. You dumbass. Oh man. You want to be in the sphere so hard. Tell me the last time I've paid for a beer on that one street in Austin, Texas.

[A]

Six come see me six times is correct.

[B]

Give Lamar four points.

[A]

Come see me live. The bring five friends still wrapping up this year. October. I got Saratoga Springs, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri, Chandler, Arizona. And it's going to be a goddamn blast. We're excited about the Mothership Story Wars. Two shows in the main room this time, by the way, which is great. So get those tickets.

[B]

They will sell their big room.

[A]

And I think we're gonna be doing Philly Story wars right around Thanksgiving. Right.

[B]

Thanksgiving weekend.

[A]

Thanksgiving weekend's gonna be a goddamn blast as well. So come out and check out those shows.

[B]

Those will be fun lineups too.

[A]

Make sure you guys check out all the other pods that I do. The regs, Legion of Skanks, my solo podcast available just on my mailing list as well if you guys want to grab that. The Lewis Channel podcast and my book. This is a storytelling show. I have my own book coming out. It's called Knives and Spoons. It's gonna be coming out. You can get order pre order right now and Amazon. I just found out I will have hard copies at Skank Fest, which is incredible. And by the way, Ronnie B. Coming out to Skank Fest this year for New Orleans, which is incredible. Very excited about that.

[B]

We had first time a couple years.

[A]

We added Ron, we added Dave Attel, we added a bunch of absolute legends that are going to be coming out. You can still get single day passes, but those are going very quick. Go to skankfest.com and make sure you guys subscribe to Gas Digital if you love this show. We have dozens of episodes that aren't available on YouTube or anywhere else else. You get an uncensored and ad free version of the show and there's a pre release for every episode. We premiere on Monday nights on gas digital.com use the promo code WAR and you save a couple bucks a month and it supports the show directly. All right. Second half of the show, Jay.

[B]

Well, the second half of the show because I assume Lemaire and Ian, you guys probably feel like stupid pieces of shit who shouldn't even have wasted your time coming out of the house today because you look like fucking fools in front of a bunch of strangers.

[D]

Or maybe you're falling into my trap.

[B]

Sure. But maybe we are, because as fans of the show know, for the final four stories we go double points.

[A]

It's anybody's game. Run.

[E]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Double points.

[A]

G Mike.

[B]

G G Mike. Whip yourself, G. Mike, hurt yourself. Pinch your own nipple, Mike, immediately hurt yourself. The people demand justice. Thank you. Okay, that was. That was actually excessive.

[A]

You got to understand, see, if you win the game story wars, you can trigger double points.

[B]

Thank you, Roots.

[A]

Now, Roots. The Roots are here.

[B]

Yeah, they're always here. They're off my. We don't pay them to be on camera. They have a very high fee to be on camera. But off camera, it's quest loving. The boys and Black thought over there bringing it home every time. And they basically have to play Go Birds. They have to pretty much play every time that we say double points. Damn it, dude. Oh, my God. The way he works that high hat. Quest Love Everybody before. For the first four stories, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. That now actually reverts to two points. Double points. I do. I do like that. I like that he didn't play it for the. The fuck up.

[A]

He fucked up.

[B]

But, Mike, you redeemed yourself.

[C]

Unhit yourself, Mike.

[B]

Take that bruise off your forehead, you psycho.

[A]

Second half. Let's go, Alex. Story number five.

[F]

Story number five. When I was a kid, I told my friends a funny joke that two old guys who lived together on my block raped a girl who we all crushed on. It's a joke one of my friends told their mom, and it started unwarranted drama.

[A]

It seems like it was warranted drama. I would describe that.

[B]

Someone has to get to the bottom.

[A]

Of this unwarranted, warranted drama.

[C]

No, we didn't have rapists in our.

[B]

Neighborhood, by the way. No, it was a. It was a funny joke told. I wish I could say this was going to be Louis three stories in a row, but there's no way that's possible.

[A]

I will say Jay, when he was a kid, was a fat little liar. And I could see him making up stories. That was that kid. Like the kid who's always got a story in the neighborhood, always trying to be funny. Rape jokes, early core values, Legion of skanks. This is screaming big J. O.

[D]

Why did Ian react so viscerally?

[B]

Because it's him. But I had a. But I do. I do feel that energy where this could be me now that Lewis explained it so much that I'm like, this is not one of mine. Though I looked again, but for sure.

[A]

Call your mother. No, don't.

[B]

She'll always answer, Lewis, and she will tell you that there's never been a story of me telling someone raped people that I crushed on.

[C]

I think it's La Mer.

[B]

Agreed.

[C]

Yes. There's living on a block. A girl we all crushed old. And then it started. Unwanted drama. You know, they hate drama. So baby.

[B]

Baby mama drama. Those people. Those people do love and hate drama.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Y.

[A]

No, if it said crush her ribs, I believe it was La Mer.

[B]

No, if it said ate her ribs.

[A]

It'S a great show, folks. I'm getting Big J vibes. Big J, defend yourself here. I mean, you told stories. You got in trouble in high school for telling a story about a girl that you pretended to have sex with. That was the whole thing. No, J had to apologize to the entire school. No, because he made up a story about banging a chick and it became a whole thing. Unwarranted drama.

[C]

Was he the original Manti Tao?

[B]

Louis, you're Manatee Lewis. You told that story so wrong, it hurt every step of the way.

[A]

What was the story?

[B]

I used to cut school with this girl all the time. And we were not hooking up in any way. We were children and a kid. When I was walk home from her house, he'd be like, where were you? Why are we not in school today? I go, I cut with this girl again. And he kept going, like, man, you cut school with her a bunch. Like, what? You guys must be hooking up or something. Something. And I said, no several times. He's like, come on, dude. And I go, well, I'm not even gonna say, you think whatever you want. And then he liked her. And he goes, yeah, I would try to hook up with you, but you're Jay. And she went, what?

[A]

Now, normally, then she went to the school board.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

She was so offended that she went to the superintendent of schools.

[B]

Absolutely correct, Louis. Whereas most girls would call me and yell at me and we get into some kind of weird. Like, I didn't, but I did. Blah, blah. She went directly to her parents, who took it to the police and school board, who called me and told me that I would be expelled or I would have to go to the store and buy a suit husky section double breasted to hide my tum tum and then go up and speak in front of a fucking auditory about lying about people and stuff like that.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And I told my mom, and by the way, she would back this if I called her right now. I said, damn, mom, we gotta move. And she was like, no, you're gonna have to make this apology.

[A]

Damn, mom said, what? I gotta get a job now. I'm. I'm out of school.

[B]

And she sent me. And by the way if we answered this now, she would go, well, you're funny now. Because I did have to go, yeah, I bought a suit and I had to go in front of an auditorium and be like, lying about people is a bad thing.

[C]

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

For something, it should have been her going, did you say whatever? I go. And just kids fighting. It became a real thing.

[A]

However would you describe that as unwarranted drama?

[B]

Oh, you think this is that story?

[A]

No, come on.

[B]

That was definitely unwarranted drama. I've lived unwarranted drama, if that's your question.

[A]

Unwarranted drama is words that Jesus would use.

[E]

I had a until I heard Jay tell that story.

[B]

You think I just told this story? That would be gangster. As Lewis, I'm starting to think this is you again.

[A]

If we. We have had people get three stories and we have. But it's not me.

[B]

It's Big J. I told my friends a funny joke.

[A]

Look at Jay acting like he didn't write this. Go, Jay. Keep on pretending to read it.

[D]

Hey, Jay, who are you going to vote for? I'm thinking I can't.

[B]

It can be Lewis three in a row. But it might be Lewis three in a row. Row. It could happen. It is randomly generated. Lamare, maybe. Yeah, that's who I thought initially was Lamare.

[A]

Jay is having a meltdown right now. Are you guys watching this?

[E]

Should I change.

[A]

Now? This is.

[E]

Is this the same points as the first round?

[C]

This is double points, Ron.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[B]

What the. Did you win, Ian?

[A]

Have you won? Won what? Have you won story wars? No.

[B]

Where did you go? When we explain all this?

[C]

What? What's happening?

[A]

You can only trigger double points if you're a winner.

[C]

I can only trigger what?

[A]

What are you thinking?

[D]

Lam not much.

[B]

Oh, I think. Ah.

[D]

I let it go.

[A]

It's definitely Ian.

[C]

I could tell you it's not Ian.

[B]

But Lamar could be just trying to get me not to vote for him right now.

[A]

That is true.

[D]

Do I get points if you vote for me?

[B]

If I vote for you and it's you?

[D]

Yeah. If it's not me what?

[B]

You know how the game works. Are you trying to. Are you. What is that? What's that sip mean? Lamar talked to me. Look at me. To talk to me. Ah. I'm going with Lair.

[C]

Yep, it's lair. I know it's lair. I know it.

[A]

Story five. All of our answers are in Alex.

[F]

Story number five belongs to Ron Bennington.

[A]

Holy shit.

[E]

Can I tell you? Finally that joke pays off. The way I dreamt about it. When I was in sixth grade.

[B]

What.

[C]

Was the joke was?

[E]

The joke was we were talking about this girl. She was first girl in the neighborhood to get tits, and she also had a dead arm.

[B]

So holy shit.

[C]

God gives and God, I'm not even getting it out.

[E]

She was sexy as. Everybody loved her. Everybody loved her. And then I thought, like, you know, I keep the conversation going and I go, well, you know, there's two old guys that collect junk or whatever. They raped her and. And we used to stand on corners. So there was like 15 or so, right? And then suddenly, why, you know, I'm not even. Like a half an hour later, later, mothers start to come out and grab a kid and take him back. And here one kid rat it to his mom, and the mom started, you know, calling the other mothers, like, have you heard about this? Rape determination. Yeah. And that's what the. The unwarranted drama that I was speaking about.

[B]

There was no rape.

[E]

Yeah, but this is part of the confusion of being in sixth grade is that we really use the word rape too much because we could not at that age imagine girls wanting this. You know what I mean? So we'd be like, you know who I would rape in our class?

[B]

I don't. If society would just lighten the fuck up already.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, so, you know, we weren't.

[E]

Doing it, God damn it. But we were, you know, trying to become adults at a very young age, thinking that rape was probably the only way we would lose our virginity. But I think I got some points on this one.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Alex. Five stories down. Where are points spread at?

[F]

All right. Tied for fourth place with three points each, lamare Lee and Ian Fidence. In third place with seven points, Louis J. Gomez. In second place with eight points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Just like that.

[A]

Just like that.

[F]

And in the lead with 14 points, Ron Bennington.

[B]

Holy shit.

[C]

Dare I say. Dare I say Ron. Is raping the competition.

[B]

Dare I say Ron, you are disturbingly close to taking home. The Art of War by Sun Tzu. More than just a military guy, the Art of War is a masterclass in strategies. The book details how to assess a situation, use deception, and leverage knowledge to achieve a goal. For instance, chapter 10, the use of terrain, teaches you the importance of positioning and the six specific types of ground.

[E]

Wow. You know, I've been saving up for years to get that book. And the fact that. That I won the first time I come out. Thank you, guys.

[B]

No, Ron, three more. There's still a chance for other people There's a couple more. Three more.

[E]

You gotta know when to walk away from the table, Jay.

[B]

You do say you gotta know when to fold them.

[A]

All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank body brand coffee, my coffee brand, for supporting today's show. If you guys are really, whether you're a man or a woman, it does really work for hormonal balance and just makes you feel overall great, both physically and mentally. We've been sort of, you know, marketing this to men, but every woman that tries body ring coffee loves it as well.

[B]

I told you. Christine tried it at bonfire the other day and really she said like it was really good.

[A]

No, it's great. It makes you feel great. I just drank it.

[B]

Coffee does it with a little cream and a Splenda, of course.

[A]

No, we make it however you want to make your coffee. You can make it hot, cold, you pour it into a protein shake. It's got adaptogens and nootropics blended into real Colombian freeze dried coffee. So it's really high quality coffee. Tonga Lee, lion's mane, ashwagandha. L theanine a lot. Just do the research on what any of these supplements can do for you. But if you're a man with lower testosterone, it can help raise your testosterone naturally without sticking a needle into your ass. Overall, just mentally, I feel great. I drank a cup just now. I feel like low key. I'm on like clean Adderall. I feel energized. I feel good. The whole time I was moving, I was really just run down and my energy was zapped. And then I started shorten it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But I started making the coffee. We have the creamer now too that we're developing and the blend with the coffee and the creamer, which I can't wait to release, that is literally has me elevated on a higher level. But you get the coffee right now. Right now. Go to bodybraincoffee.com, use the promo code WAR25W a R25 to save 25 off your entire order today. It's also available on Amazon, so if you grab it on Amazon, leave us an honest review and thank you, guys. Bodybrink.

[B]

I do a, I do a bump of the coffee and then I do a shooter with the creamer to take it down.

[A]

Well, yeah, I just gum the creamer all day long. All right, where were we? Alex, Story number six.

[F]

Story number six. I lost my neighbor's child in a cornfield.

[B]

What the. How is this? What?

[D]

Yeah, I see him.

[B]

Yeah, he grew up Around a lot of Delaware corn. Is that the thing? Maybe it's a thing.

[C]

You know what?

[E]

I can't believe that was the whole setup. I think the kid died.

[C]

I really do.

[B]

Two over 30 tells the story. I mean, this is vague.

[E]

All right, the sad thing here is only one person grew up near corn, and that's the end.

[C]

I did grow up near corn.

[B]

I grew up near no corn, so I'm leaning towards the end.

[A]

Jay grew up listening to corn.

[B]

I did.

[C]

Me, too.

[B]

Boom, boom.

[A]

If it's that I lost my neighbor's child at a corn concert, I'd like at stuff.

[B]

Oh, dude, I took a. I took a. A girlfriend's stepsister to a Marilyn Manson concert. I'll go anywhere with anybody.

[A]

Speaking of rape.

[B]

Right. Oh, dude, you know who I would have totally raped? My girlfriend's stepsister.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to see the uncensored version of this show, you can simply go to Gas digital dot com.

[C]

I think it was Lewis.

[A]

Come on. Come on. A cornfield.

[C]

Cornfields. Rockland.

[A]

The Rockland County Cornfields. This is crazy.

[C]

Everyone knows the Rockland, right? Rockland County Corn Fair.

[B]

The Cornucopia.

[D]

Yeah, we're all going.

[C]

No, it's not. Ian, there are.

[A]

There are cornfields in Delaware.

[C]

Yes, of course. And Jersey.

[A]

Yeah, but would anybody trust their child with Ian? That's crazy. He looks.

[B]

Well, if you did, this is what happens.

[C]

Yeah, this is a little lesson not to.

[A]

You look like you have sex with children. That's your whole thing.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. You, like, fawn over them and you kill them and keep them. You don't have sex with them. Yeah, you, like, do some kind of weird tanning to their skin that keeps them, like, fresh.

[A]

You drink, eat.

[B]

You don't. Your trophies.

[C]

You don't. A trophy?

[B]

What's this guy, a stupid idiot?

[C]

What are you, a. You don't come in the Stanley Cup. You just keep it for a couple weeks and give it to someone else.

[B]

I mean, learn about life, dick face.

[C]

Grow up.

[B]

All right? I mean, you pull your head out of your ass for five seconds and.

[A]

Play the game based off of the fact that there are cornfields in Delaware, apparently.

[C]

Go ahead.

[B]

You would look.

[A]

Oh, if it's Ron again, game's over. Ron, if this is you again and you got another eight points, we can't just end the game at this point.

[B]

Do slaughter rule. Yeah, that's enough. Don't. Moss.

[A]

Alex. All of our answers are in.

[F]

All right, Story number six belongs to Lamar Lee.

[B]

Wow. Wow. What Neighbor trusted you with their child. We went, you want me take your children? You know a cornfield?

[D]

I lived in central Pennsylvania for a while, like, 10 years. And the youth pastor, he went. He had to run in the house. You're all victims.

[B]

It's a ladder.

[C]

Yeah. Children was a word for virginity.

[B]

Before you tell the story, I want everybody to know. Hurt people. Hurt people.

[D]

He left me and my brother with his child, and he lived, like, next to an Amish farm.

[A]

Farm.

[D]

And they had corn, and he went in the house to grab something. I was like, you watch my son and me and my brother play rock, paper, scissors. And then the kid just ran in the cornfield. And you're like, oh, yeah?

[E]

How long before you found him?

[D]

It took, like, four minutes. The daddy came out and just screamed.

[B]

I thought I was gonna say years later, they emerge as the children of the corn. They started a cult. One person was Satan.

[C]

Have you ever seen Field of Dreams? It took a while.

[E]

That's a good, good reference. You told me you were from Detroit.

[D]

I am from Detroit.

[E]

I'm on that. I feel.

[D]

I'm from both.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Wow, What a shakeup that was.

[A]

That was a huge round for Lamar. It truly is anyone's game. Give us our points.

[F]

All right. In last place with three points, Ian Finance.

[B]

Some things, some things stay the same. Keeps you hungry. Uhhuh.

[F]

In fourth place with seven points, Lewis J. Gomez. In third place with eight points, Big J Okerson. In second place with eleven. Eleven points, Lamar Lee.

[B]

Great job. Shake up.

[F]

And holding on to the lead with 14 points, Ron Bennington.

[E]

Thanks, everyone.

[C]

He's on your ass.

[A]

We have two more stories. Truly anybody's game at this point? Probably not. Ian's. Alex. Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. I had a family member start a romantic relationship with the meanest neighbor in the neighborhood. He grabbed my penis in public.

[C]

Can I say who I wish it was?

[A]

I know it's not Jay because his penis isn't grabbable. If he would have said he, like, like, did tinged it or it is me.

[B]

How about that? My dangling penis. And he stroked it right in. In public.

[D]

It's not you.

[A]

When you say grab, it's like a handful. Not like you wouldn't say, I just grab that. Let me grab that.

[C]

It's a grab, not pinch.

[B]

Call my mom. See if family members.

[C]

It was great.

[B]

Have a family.

[A]

Well, yeah, I will say that Jay's mom also did date a bunch of men in the neighborhood. She was.

[B]

Not true at all. That's not true.

[A]

It is true.

[B]

That's not true at all.

[A]

Your mom was out there. She was.

[B]

Oh, no. She was like, boyfriend, stop. She. A couple of randos. But I was at my mom's house for that.

[A]

I mean, I could see your mom just dating. The meat is there, but you want.

[B]

Me to call my mom and see if she was a whore like this?

[A]

No, that's okay. I will say that I want to make fun of your penis size because it is hilariously small.

[B]

Your penis is crazy.

[A]

Mine's more than. Yours is slightly above average.

[B]

Dude, you film it so much, and I've seen it so weird. Colored and small.

[C]

It's colored like. It's colored like Nepopolitan ice cream. Yes, Neapolitan.

[B]

The circumcision is like a whole different person. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[A]

Ian just said nepopolitan ice cream, so I let that slide.

[C]

I got. I. I started to get.

[B]

That's chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. That was helped along by the relationships of his father. I know what you mean.

[D]

Small.

[B]

It's fine.

[D]

Can I see?

[C]

I seen it so many times. I could draw like a police sketch artist.

[A]

Show it to the crowd.

[E]

Hey, what was that condom box next to your dick? I've never seen one of those. Wow.

[B]

Old Miami. Small. Small.

[A]

You call that small? There's a GI Joe standing next to. But there's a full man. There's a full man right there.

[B]

Put a Monopoly hotel. I go, that's a hotel next to it.

[A]

A man that is barely taller than my penis.

[D]

I'll be honest, it was kind of close.

[A]

It was a close up.

[B]

Yes. Took up the whole shot.

[A]

It was. And I also pushed my balls and gunt down. That look like a weird angle, brother.

[B]

I did notice dental floss pulling your balls back.

[D]

He took the drink.

[A]

Once again, I'm. I'm getting Jay vibes. His mom was out. I'm not saying she's a slut. I'm saying she did date a lot of guys throughout your channel. Childhood. And I think there's more to this family member.

[E]

It does say family member. Could be a cousin, a sister.

[B]

It could be mom for sure. But I'm saying, like, it's really. You're deducing mom.

[E]

My thing is, I have the feeling Lemire has a very big family.

[C]

And.

[B]

He loves having his penis touched in public.

[D]

I don't mind.

[C]

No, no, no. It's Lamar. His penis would have grabbed him.

[A]

I mean, I think there's probably more to the grabbing of the penis. It was probably an accident. And there's more context to that because I would have heard about Jay being molested by her, his mother's boyfriend.

[C]

Is that getting molested?

[B]

Why do you keep making my mother dating somebody? Oh, no, you're absolutely right. None of my mother's boyfriends touched my penis.

[E]

But, you know, they also.

[B]

Yeah, you want to call my mom and see if any of her boyfriends have ever touched my penis?

[E]

Here's the thing.

[D]

Not Swimsuit Joe, this whole thing.

[E]

The meanest neighbor tends to be like a younger person, you know what I mean? So I think it's going to be with a sister or a cousin, and a lot of bullies will go for the fucking nut slap, you know what I mean? So he just turned it around, palmed.

[C]

It, because he was a criminal.

[E]

I should be a detective, honestly. Start to believe in myself.

[C]

I think it's Ron.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, I think it's Ron as well. I'm. I'm going. We're. We're last place. We got to figure it out.

[C]

I'm swinging for the fences.

[B]

I'm swinging for the fences with Ian.

[C]

But you're not in last place. You're in second.

[A]

Shut up, dude. That is a life size representation of Big J's penis.

[C]

Lewis, cross it out and write Little J.

[D]

That's a good piece.

[B]

Here.

[C]

Jay's writing something.

[A]

All right, Ron votes for lamare. Ian votes for Ron. Lamar votes for Ron. Jay votes for Ian. But he drew my penis.

[B]

I vote for Ian, but that is Lewis's penis, and it's very, very small. That's hard.

[C]

Alex, your peanuts looked like it was trying to do the limbo. Like it was, like, leaned back.

[B]

Yeah, it was very weird what was happening to it. Why is it so weird? Shaped.

[F]

Story number seven belongs to Big J. Okerson.

[A]

I told you guys. You idiots. And it was his mom. That slut.

[B]

It was not my mom. You want me to call my mom? Answer.

[A]

She said, no, it's fine. It's fine. Who was it?

[B]

I will.

[C]

Yeah, have her tell the story really slow.

[B]

She will, Ian. If I call her, she will. It was my grandmother. No way. So my mom. My mom across the street was a guy named Jerry, who was a married older guy when I was a. A kid. And he was the meanest. Like, he would lie and say there was, like, stuff on his lawn. Don't go on his lawn because it'll eat our shoe. He was just a mean, like, get the off my lawn type guy.

[A]

That's me now. I bought a house. I literally bought signs today that Say, keep off my lawn. I sit on my rocking chair on my front porch.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

I really did.

[B]

Well, that was Jerry. Jerry was that guy completely. And he was just like a. He was the meanest guy. But his wife died. My grandfather died. And like two years later or so when I was like 10, they got together and, you know, I guess he was good for her, like in companionship. But he was just the shittiest dude. The penis in public is school clothes shopping and it's the 90s. And I got pants that was sagging below my ass and they were way low and the thick. And this guy started pawing at my cock in a store, screaming, there's so much room in his crotch, Jeanette. And he just. It was fucking crazy. Crazy.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait. Why did he have to do that?

[A]

He didn't.

[B]

Can I always say though, my favorite thing? It's such a fun story. Jerry is dead now. He died. He died. He died about a year.

[A]

He came to death.

[B]

He died.

[A]

He came so hard from young man penis that he died.

[B]

He did. He died about a year and a half after my grandmother. Because it was fun. We went to my grandmother's funeral. No, but this guy was such a nasty guy. My grandmother passed away. We saw him at the funeral. And then in the Jewish stuff they do, like a year later they come back to do the stone ceremony. We went back for that. And when that ceremony was over, me and my brother and stepfather were smoking a cigarette between the call and it was raining and shitty and we heard a horn honk and we all like jumped and we look over and it was Jerry and he goes like this the. Out of the way. And then peeled off. And that was the last time we ever saw that guy. Walked out of our lives after 30 years. Oh, my God. Get the out of the way and go. Yeah. And he jacked me off in public.

[A]

Nice. Alex, seven stories down. We have one more to go. Where are our points?

[E]

Our.

[F]

All right. In last place with only three points, Ian Finance.

[A]

Alex, what's our. What's our lowest score ever?

[F]

It was two points.

[B]

Damn it. Damn.

[F]

Tied for third place with 11 points each. Lewis J. Gomez and Lamar Lee.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

And.

[F]

And tied for the lead with 14 points.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[F]

Big J Okerson and Ron Bennington.

[B]

Go Birds. Go Birds.

[A]

I mean, look, truly anybody's game except for Ian. Still.

[B]

Ian, your borderline uninvolved.

[E]

But by the way, I don't know this has ever happened before, but I'm giving my points to Jay Okerson because I'm Done with this fucking.

[B]

No, Ron. And you just hang in. It's one more story.

[E]

One more. One more.

[B]

Okay, one more. Yeah, we got it. We kept him.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is our final story. Alex, story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. I became friends with a new neighbor who hit me in the head with a baseball bat.

[B]

What the. That can't be right.

[C]

Before or after?

[A]

I feel like this is screaming.

[D]

Ian, before or after is a good question, Ian.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

What do you think?

[B]

Also, I do feel like Lamar is a very forgiving person, though. You can crack him on the head with a bat. And he goes, that was too racist. And he goes, it's okay, man.

[A]

Could be an accident. I was accidentally hit with a baseball bat when I was a kid.

[D]

Are you giving yourself.

[A]

By my neighbor. By my neighbor.

[B]

By a neighbor. And then you guys became friends.

[A]

We were sort of frenemies.

[C]

What is happening? Did you just tell us the answer?

[A]

No, I don't vote for me. You'll be wasting your points.

[E]

Interesting.

[A]

You'll be wasting your points, folks. Lamar. Lamar.

[C]

Lamar is eight drinks in lair.

[A]

You could win. Lair. You could win. You're wasting your points, Lamar.

[C]

Can't see right now.

[B]

You can win.

[C]

I want to think of that drunk.

[B]

I'm not saying that answer is wrong. I'm saying you want to weigh it out a little bit more?

[A]

Yeah, I know this. When I was very young and yeah, my. We were playing. I was playing catcher and my neighbor.

[B]

Are you actually about to tell us the story?

[A]

Well, no, it's not this story.

[B]

Oh, I'm confused. Okay. All right.

[A]

It's a completely different story.

[B]

Got you.

[A]

Gotcha.

[D]

That's what happened last time.

[E]

No, Right.

[D]

You said it was a completely different story, and then you told the same story.

[B]

Yeah. To tell you guys, dude. And I've known him for a while. Lewis is a deplorable piece of his. The depths he will sink of the betrayal is un. Unbelievable.

[A]

I've sworn on my son's life while he was in the room and been.

[C]

Lying oh, my God.

[B]

Looked right at him in the eyes. And he goes, on my son's life, should he die in his sleep tonight. And lied right to my face. It was great. It was great. But I'll tell you what, this guy's got a shelf full of books.

[A]

I do. I win the game a lot. Yeah, I'm getting Ian vibes here. I'm just saying, like, Ian, you're. You're that guy. You're the guy who gets hit in the head with a baseball bat. And you become friends with the guy and you guys are lifelong buddies.

[C]

Hey, thanks.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

That is. That is a trade of Ian.

[B]

Yeah. This game is so close. We're all doing like the John Wick.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I got nothing to lose.

[B]

I'll.

[C]

I'll write Alex.

[B]

Oh, so you won't be taking home the the Art of War, a 13 chapter guide to military strategy by Sun Tzu. Written around the 5th century BC.

[A]

It teaches that war should be the.

[B]

Last resort and won by manipulating the enemy's mind. Chapter 12 covers attacking with fire, including burning baggage trains and eliminating enemy soldiers in their camps with fire. The arts of war.

[E]

No.

[A]

I'm just going to go with my instinct here. You know what's yours?

[B]

I'm saying Ron Bennington. I'm throwing a Hail Mary.

[A]

I'm saying Ian Finance right here.

[B]

Be Ian.

[E]

Oh, everybody's going a different direction.

[C]

I'm saying Lair.

[D]

What the did I do?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Everyone has voted for somebody different right now. This is crazy.

[D]

Ron, who did you voted for? Lewis.

[E]

Yes. Cuz it's Lewis.

[A]

Lemaire Wastes vote.

[D]

Jay's not a get hit in the head with a baseball bat type guy.

[B]

I wouldn't become friends with a person.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You'Re right. Lewis would respect the guy that had the balls to hit him in the head with the baseball bat. Real ass dude. Gotta respect.

[A]

Wow. Rules of the jungle. You're a rattlesnake too, Alex Oliver. Answers are in final story. Whose story did that belong to?

[F]

The final story belongs to Ron Bennington.

[B]

You?

[C]

I had it.

[A]

Ron, was it one of the guys that you falsely accused of rape?

[B]

Because you kind of had that one coming.

[A]

That was this. The unwarranted drama.

[E]

Yeah, well, I mean, it was. You know, we used to play a lot of sandlot baseball. He was the new kid, so I started punching him and classic. I mean, we hadn't seen him around.

[B]

Welcome to Philly.

[E]

Yeah, and then he came up and whacked me with a baseball bat. But why that happened? And that another kid stole this glove. So he came back with his dad. Right. And my mom had to come out of the house and go after his dad because he was coming for me straight up. And that was like probably in September. And then in June the next year, he got in an above ground pool. Looks like I'm making a new buddy.

[B]

Enormous. Enormous Gimmick Whirlpools, not a pool.

[E]

Oh yeah.

[C]

And then did one of your friends take a Babe Ruth sign baseball and lose it? So you all had to come together to Take care of one of the best capers of all time. In the summer of 1968.

[A]

Can I tell you, something's blind? Dad was the guy who owned the house.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And I was calling a game and the jets stole home. It was unbelievable.

[C]

And the dog had a big, bigger dick than Lewis.

[B]

Damn, dude. What a little dick. Little dick.

[A]

I guess. Ian, can we get the points? Can we wrap this game up?

[B]

I guess.

[A]

Alex, final points. I think I know who won because I. I know how to do math. But make it official, all right.

[F]

In last place, you're not going to.

[B]

Know the Art of War, that's for sure.

[F]

Coming in last place with three points and the second lowest scorer in Story wars history, Ian Finance.

[B]

Ian Finance, everybody. Come on, that's huge.

[F]

Tied for third place with 11 points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Lamare Lee.

[A]

It's a respectable score, Lamar.

[D]

Yes. Thank you, thank you.

[F]

Second place scored 18 points. And your winner tonight with 20 points, Ron Bennington.

[A]

Ron Bennington, you go home. You're now a story warrior. You go home with the Art of War by Sun Tzu. And by the way, Ron, you can now trigger double points.

[E]

Double points.

[A]

Double points, everybody.

[E]

Double points.

[B]

What a night. With that power comes responsibility. Will you use it for good or evil? We'll find out, I suppose. How about it for Ron Bennington, your newest story warrior on Story Wars. And a big round of applause for our entire pack. Ian Finance. Ramare Lee. One more time for your new champion, Ron Bennington. For Story Wars, I'm Big J Okerson.

[A]

I am Louis Shay Gomez.

[B]

We'll catch you guys next time. Until then, peace.

[G]

Shopify's point of sale system helps you sell at every stage of your business. Need a fast and secure way to take payments in person? We've got you covered. How about card readers you can rely on anywhere you sell.

[B]

Thanks.

[G]

Have a good one. Yep, that too. Want one place to manage all your online and in person sales? That's kind of our thing. Wherever you sell. Businesses that grow, grow with Shopify. Sign up up for your $1 a month trial at Shopify. Com. Listen. Shopify. Com. Listen.