060. Mike Cannon, Kevin Clancy, Noel Leon | Fall

Summary

Story Warz Ep. 060: "Fall"

GaS Digital Network – September 26, 2025
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Mike Cannon, Kevin Clancy, Noel Leon
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, NYC

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Brief Overview

This outrageously irreverent episode of Story Warz brings the fall season to the table—literally and figuratively—inviting comics Mike Cannon, Barstool's Kevin Clancy, and LA's Noel Leon to join hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez in a riotous storytelling competition. True to the show's “game of deceptive storytelling” premise, each panelist must fool the others about the true authorship of confessional, embarrassing, and hilarious stories all themed around "fall"—whether that's the autumn, falling in love, or falling on your face.

The crew riff, roast, and cut deep—aided by a raucous live audience, plenty of inside jokes, and a touch of mayhem. This episode features classic bits about pontoon boats, childhood trauma, and the perils of being so hot you don't need to remember anyone's name (a running gag with guest Noel). Notable is a meta-saga about a failed $100,000 career opportunity shared between Kevin and Mike that cracks open some real comic vulnerability, surrounded by relentless ball-busting.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Show and Game Format, Introductions [02:24–07:00]

• Hosts welcome the crowd, roast each other, and introduce the game rules for Story Warz.
• Each panelist submits 3–5 themed stories; the topic is "fall."
• Points: Guess the writer (2 pts), fool others (1 pt per person fooled). Prize: The book Why, Gary, Why? about a real-life vigilante crime.

"Today's winner goes home with Why Gary Why, by Jody Ploshet. ...It's the famous story—the guy who the father shot." — Luis J. Gomez [06:53]

2. STORIES & Guessing Rounds

Story 1: Fell in Love with Movie Character [10:36–19:09]

• Summer depression leads someone to watch the same movie daily, developing genuine feelings for the female lead.
• Wild speculations and jokes about childhood crushes, TV nostalgia, and calling people by the wrong name (the birth of "Billy").
• Reveal: Mike Cannon wrote it. He confesses to crushing hard on Natalie Portman in Garden State during a rough period. Genuine laughter and ribbing ensue.

"I had a butter knife to my wrist every fucking morning just watching that movie." — Mike Cannon [19:51]

Story 2: Sleepwalking Down the Stairs [22:03–29:43]

• Someone claims to have tumbled downstairs while sleepwalking—sparks lots of speculation about clumsiness, trauma, and "battered woman stories."
• Reveal: Kevin Clancy authored it, describing a sleepwalking incident in college that left him injured; admits to sleep-talking and frequent nocturnal confusion.

Story 3: Adopted a Dog While Blacked Out [30:09–33:41]

• A drunken blackout ends in dog adoption; guest says she had a pit bull named Whitney Houston.
• Reveal: Noel Leon wrote it; details her wild night, waking up with a strange, slobbery dog.

Story 4: Falling in a Movie Theater [35:04–47:15]

• A date to the movies ends with a humiliating spill up the theater stairs, snacks flying—everyone assumes it’s Big Jay (“Billy J”), given his vivid food/snack stories.
• Reveal: It’s actually Luis J. Gomez—he dupes Jay by swearing it isn’t him, causing friendly betrayal.

"Let me make this very clear. I love pontoon boats. But I love winning Story Warz more." — Luis J. Gomez [44:54]

3. Halftime Standings and Plugs [47:19–54:55]

• The scores are tallied (Kevin in the lead).
• Guest plugs include Noel’s upcoming Hulu Christmas movie (A Comedy of Errors), Mike's Beautiful Boys podcast, and Kevin's KFC Radio.

4. The Game Goes Double Points [54:57–55:38]

• Second half—stakes rise as points are doubled, leaving even low scorers with the potential for a comeback.

5. STORIES & Guessing Rounds (CONTINUED)

Story 5: Bike Accident & Crying Walk Home [56:09–65:32]

• A kid falls off a bike into traffic, gets the wind knocked out, and walks home crying.
• Reveal: Big Jay Okerson, who tells a humiliating, real-life version from his late teens.

Story 6: Lost $100,000 Opportunity [69:03–78:28]

• Someone almost lands a $100,000 gig, it disappears, and they’re forever changed.
• Riffing zeros in on Mike Cannon, with some meta-barbs about money and showbiz.
• Reveal: Mike Cannon wrote it—it’s about a real Barstool offer rescinded by higher-ups, courtesy of Kevin. This leads to an emotional, honest exchange about the gig that didn’t change Mike’s life (but did upend his plans).

"I came inside my wife for a second child because of this offer." — Mike Cannon [75:21]

"I just realized my book is Why Portnoy Why." — Mike Cannon [80:13]

Story 7: Covered in Dog Playing in Autumn Leaves [82:43–86:16]

• Dirty work in the leaf pile—panel is sure it’s a cute “girl story”; misleads everyone.
• Reveal: It’s Luis, who once spent an hour tumbling through a pile of leaves before realizing he was covered in dog poop.

Story 8: Fell Down a Well [89:16–98:12]

• Someone claims to have fallen down a literal well.
• A running plot develops: if everyone votes for guest Noel, she gets zero, a show first.
• Reveal: Kevin Clancy lived the goofy sitcom scenario, saved only by a stray two-by-four.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Deceptive Tactics:
  "Every time I trust you, you lie to my face and I have to go hit something else."
  — Big Jay to Luis [40:39]

• On TV Crushes:
  "Going back and, and, and looking at like the problem is you go back and look at Kelly Kapowski. She's like 14 years old."
  — Kevin [13:13]

• Mike About the Barstool Debacle:
  "I came inside my wife for a second child because of this offer." [75:21]
  Kevin: "I think I know. We haven't had a Billy story yet..." [59:32]
  (Billy = Big J, a bit throughout)

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Running Gags & Crowd Moments

• Noel repeatedly called Big Jay “Billy,” confusing everyone, and leading to a slew of Billy-based jokes.
• The “pontoon boat” saga: Luis leveraging Jay’s desire for a pontoon boat outing to influence guessing.
• “Nipple rings” and audience asides—brutal, funny crowd work and wild, off-topic riffing typical of the show.

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Final Standings [99:41–100:51]

• 1st Place: Luis J. Gomez — 26 points (wins Why, Gary, Why?)
• 2nd: Kevin Clancy — 20 pts
• 3rd: Big Jay — 10 pts
• 4th: Mike Cannon — 7 pts
• 5th: Noel Leon — 4 pts

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Memorable Closer

Luis snags the win. Kevin graciously requests the (equally prestigious?) “fart napkin” prize as a consolation. Everyone roasts everyone, and Jay laments, “If that woman died in a yellow cab knowing she missed the only zero-point history, I’d feel bad”—a perfect cap to a rowdy, hilarious night of fall-themed humiliation.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:24] Show starts, game explained, introductions
• [10:36] First Fall-in-Love Story, discussion
• [18:53] Reveal: It’s Mike Cannon
• [22:03] Sleepwalking Stairs Story, discussion
• [27:26] Reveal: Kevin Clancy
• [30:09] Adopting Dog Blackout Story, discussion
• [32:25] Reveal: Noel
• [35:12] Movie Theater Fall Story, discussion
• [44:23] Reveal: Luis J. Gomez
• [47:19] Score update, plugs, halftime
• [54:57] Game goes double points
• [56:09] Bike Accident Story, discussion
• [61:34] Reveal: Big Jay Okerson
• [69:03] Lost Opportunity/$100K Story, discussion
• [74:44] Reveal: Mike Cannon, with emotional coda from Kevin
• [82:43] Dog Poop in Leaves Story, discussion
• [85:34] Reveal: Luis
• [89:16] Fell Down a Well Story, discussion
• [96:03] Reveal: Kevin Clancy
• [99:41] Final scores and outro

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Overall Tone:
Relentlessly funny, deliberately offensive, self-deprecating and raw—all in good fun among veteran comics and an engaged crowd. Expect chaos, real emotion, and peer-to-peer honesty—anchored by the thrill of one-upping your friends with the most embarrassing or ridiculous story.

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For further fall follies and to experience this assembly of roastmasters live, check out Story Warz every Wednesday at New York Comedy Club.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[C]

Hey Story Warriors Merch is available right now at story wars merch.com We've got a whole bunch like the double points, the logo and so much more.

[B]

And until the end of the month, one lucky fan is going to get two free all access VIP passes to Skank Fest New Orleans. So if you've purchased anything in the past or anything during the month of September, you are automatically entered. That could be from Story Wars Legion of Skanks regs or the Gas Digital Merch page. You will get an entry into the contest. Plus, we're going to be doing a special VIP meet and greet at Skank Fest for fans who show up in merch. Get yours [e-mail] that story wars with a Z merch.com what's going on story Warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[C]

Don't be a piece of Just get your tickets and come. It's fun face new yorkcomedyclub.com Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J.

[C]

What's up? Oh, how we feeling? New York Comedy Club, new home of Story Wars. Make some noise in here for me, would you please?

[B]

Holy. It's another sold out night. It's rainy. It's crazy out there. But you, you guys are the absolute best.

[C]

Fucking rained one Story wars since we've been here.

[B]

It has not or has not.

[C]

It's rained every time we've been here. How did I say it? Too many negatives.

[B]

I don't know how many knots you.

[C]

Said it is never not, not rained here.

[B]

Not, not, not. I did not, not, not understand you.

[C]

Louis. Don't. Stop staring at that woman's nipple rings to her shirt, you piece of shit.

[B]

Nice nipple rings to your shirt, slut. That it's not Legion of Skanks.

[C]

But she didn't need to hear it. She's not what the show is, but she did need to hear it. It's not what the show is about.

[B]

That's not going out to the masses. That's just for everyone in the room.

[C]

You need to hear it from a friend first. And I'm glad you did. That's her nips. All right. Hey, how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[B]

How many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars? Two idiots. Okay?

[C]

You can't alienate the people. There are new people you want to bring in.

[B]

I'm being aggressive today.

[C]

I know, it's very strange.

[B]

I stopped smoking weed again. I feel like I'm on Admiral. You want to fight? Who wants to fight? You want to go, dude?

[C]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

We will explain the game if you're not familiar that guy after we get our awesome, awesome panel up here. Our first contestant tonight on Story Wars. You know I'm from KFC Radio over at Barstool Sports. How about it for the great Kevin Clancy in the house? What's up, boys? How we doing?

[B]

KFC making his Story wars debut. How excited are you?

[D]

I am excited. I'm very pumped.

[B]

Very big deal. Our next competitor on today's Story Wars. You guys might have seen a special traumatized animal on YouTube. He's part of the Beautiful Boys podcast. He is a a returning Story Warrior. Did you win? Nope. Now he's a loser. Put your hands together for Mike Cannon, returning Story wars compet. Mike Cannon.

[E]

What's up, boys?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, what up? Our third and final contestant is an LA based comedian and writer. How about for the first time on Story wars, make some noise for the hilarious Noel Leon, everybody.

[B]

I think I speak for everyone when I say Noel. Pretty toy. Pretty toy. Thanks for coming.

[C]

Can you learn how to treat one person with respect when they walk through our doors? Can you give them five minutes before you make Kevin a piece of shit?

[D]

Pretty tight.

[B]

You're also pretty tight. How about that? I'm not Kevin. And you're okay.

[C]

Kevin, you are fantastically toit. Lewis is right.

[B]

I'm right.

[C]

You're right. KFC is toit. Thank you all three for being here. If you are listening at home and you are a first time listener or you're not familiar with the game Story wars, it's a very, very simple game. Oh, Lewis star writing the thing.

[B]

Oh, shit. That's right.

[C]

You're doing great. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Today's topic, fall. Ooh, no one ever joins with me. Alex, our lovely producer, is gonna have eight of those stories randomly generated and put them here one at a time on the screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody else, that it is not your story. And if it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[B]

And for every person you guess correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So you can win up to four points. If it's your story, that's the best way to gain points. I want you write your answer on the dry erase board, put it in this little slot right here and remove your hand. That is your final answer. You can't change it. And that's basically that very, very simple, very fun. And I'll tell you right now, it's a lot of fun. But we are not playing for fun, folks. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[C]

Every week here on Story wars, we play for a new book from the Story wars library. Today's winner goes home with why Gary why? By Jody Plosh. In sure. In why Gary why? Jody Ploshet recounts his experience. Guy recounts his experience of being molested and kidnapped by his karate instructor, Jeff Duchet.

[B]

Jeff. Jeff Doucet. It's a. The famous story the guy who the father shot. The guy in the head at the. Yeah. This guy's a huge comedy fan. He gave me this book. It's by the way, it's signed by him as well.

[C]

The guy who shot him?

[B]

No, the guy who Got raped.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Look how shaky his handwriting is. Still way he's traumatized.

[C]

That's got to suck to get raped by karate. Stance. Point. Excuse me? Stand there and take it, bitch.

[B]

Defend yourself from that rape.

[C]

No can defend. Oh, man. Was painting the fence, but it was too high to block his dick. No one saw the Karate Kid. In a desperate, vengeful act, his grandfather, Gary Plushe.

[B]

I thought it was his father.

[C]

Guys.

[B]

Right, it's his father.

[C]

You think they have it wrong?

[B]

Yep.

[C]

I thought it was just a fucking pull from the Internet.

[E]

No, Lewis knows his rape stories.

[B]

No, I know it.

[C]

Sorry. In a desperate, vengeful act, his father, Gary Plausher. Boom. Hunted down the abuser, confronting him in a crowded parking lot before.

[B]

Guys, do me a favor. None of that happened. Stop using fucking AI to write these descriptions, because it was at. It wasn't at a crowded area. It was at a pay phone at the airport.

[C]

I don't even think this guy got molested.

[D]

Did you write this book.

[E]

Louis? Just do it from memory.

[C]

Hey, instead. Page one. Today's winner goes home with a napkin with the word fart written on it by me.

[B]

Jake, get the book.

[C]

Oh, I thought the fart thing was gonna be classic. All right.

[F]

Why do I feel like this is, like, a porn that you watched and then it said based on a true story? This was the footnote to the book.

[C]

It does feel like it's all wrong. He hung it down. His abuser confronting him, I guess, at an airport, at a payphone, before shooting him to death.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Okay. In the head. The book's title is the Question. The book's title is the question a deputy asked the grandfather in the aftermath. This is a visceral and unflinching account of a family's pursuit of justice that captivated and horrified a nation.

[B]

Now that is. That is a great book right there.

[C]

We're a little dicey on the details, but read it yourself and you'll find out.

[E]

That's cool.

[B]

He didn't even flinch.

[C]

He stuck it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm gonna give you the 1 inch rape. I think everybody's got it. I think everybody's excited about the book. Listen, the synopsis is great because it really told us nothing. Because it's all bad information.

[B]

It's all bad information. It's his father. I just fact checked.

[C]

You get to learn about it yourself. You were able to fix that in your phone, where they've had all day to do sick. Well, let's hope everything goes better in the game itself. Everyone without any further ado, are we ready for war?

[D]

Let's go.

[C]

No. Nope. That Energy felt bad. Ms. Lead with your nipple rings, are you ready for war?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, then, Alexandra, with no further ado, story number one.

[G]

Story number one. One summer, I was so depressed that I watched the same movie every day and developed legitimate loving feelings for the lead character.

[B]

Can I say something?

[C]

This is a girl.

[B]

It's probably a girl, but also, it's. I mean, the. The topic is falling. This is in the summer. It's such a minute detail. The person should have just wrote one fall. It would have made no difference in the story, and it would have fallen under the category no one's going to fact check.

[C]

This would not have been fact checked at all. I would have never learned that this person had this happen in the summer.

[B]

Not the fall, and it feels disrespectful to the show.

[C]

Alex, any way you want to defend not being retarded when you saw this?

[G]

Well, I allowed it because they fell in love with this character.

[B]

Oh, you do fall in love. Okay, well, it doesn't say. I feel like they should have included the word fall.

[C]

Well, time for me to play my favorite game. This is definitely Louis. It's always Louis. This is probably Louis. He did the move right there. The summer thing. He told he was in cahoots with Alex. No, the fall is. Oh, kooky how that works.

[E]

It's a vague interpretation of the topic.

[B]

I play with it.

[C]

You're artists.

[B]

I did have to have that conversation with Jay. He was like, the fall is like this, Oliman. I was like, dude, you could fall in love, you could fall down. There's the autumn. Come on, dude.

[C]

Fall from grace. Yeah.

[B]

Here's the thing. This is a very womanly story, so that's why I think this belongs to kfc. Kevin, you seem like a little bit of a lady boy. I can see you getting emotional. I can see you falling in love with the character you're. You're from. How old are you, Kevin?

[D]

I'm 40.

[B]

We're. We're from a generation where we really. We only had TV. We didn't have podcasts. We didn't have social media.

[C]

47.

[B]

We were men. We. We would watch. We would watch Saved by the Bell, and we would fall in love with Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Like, literally. It was like, feelings Topanga. I would have killed my own mother to touch Topanga's titty.

[D]

Did you see Tiffany Amber decent yesterday, naked, eating carrot cake on Instagram? 51 years old. Who is Tiffany Amber. These are carrot cake 51.

[C]

What's the character frosting? Is it a regular old buttercream?

[D]

It was a. It was a naked cake. Naked. Naked. Tiffany Amber.

[B]

These.

[D]

I need a naked cake that I could fall in love with. This is not me.

[C]

I could definitely blast off to a picture of a great carrot cake.

[B]

I will say if it was Lisa turtles, you would have been eating red velvet cake.

[D]

Going back and, and, and looking at like the problem is you go back and look at Kelly Kapowski. She's like 14 years old.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[B]

It's still. It's a little weird when you're a.

[D]

40 year old guy.

[B]

No, it's. I look back still and I'm like I'm attracted to this child. You're right. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I don't take myself back there. I stay the age I am now and still feel the same feelings for her. I hope she could be my first kiss.

[E]

Lewis wore eyeliner.

[C]

True that.

[E]

That's kind of. You like eyeliner.

[B]

Cowboy.

[C]

Hash.

[E]

Cowboy had very deep feelings about things. I feel like this could.

[C]

I think this is.

[F]

Honestly, I'm gonna say it's Louis because you just posted about Tiffany Amber Thierson like two days ago.

[B]

No, that was Kevin who posted about it. He did a whole video about it. But she was not a movie star. This is the same movie every day. And develop a legitimate loving feelings for the character. But because Kevin posted that Tiffany thing, I see what a simple little pussy he is. This is Kevin's. I'm telling you, it's Kevin's story. This I'm putting. I'm going to start the voting. Kevin is my final vote.

[D]

Son of a.

[B]

He's got a little heart right there because he's a little lover boy.

[C]

I think everybody on this panel has the ability. I mean, it's a very girly thing.

[D]

But I feel like you're depressed now.

[C]

I feel like every. I feel like every one of us has the ability to fall in love with a cat. We're all emotional weirdos. I know. This could be Lois for sure.

[F]

Also we need like Shane Gillis eating a carrot cake naked. I feel like that would go by.

[C]

Lewis actually has that in his phone.

[F]

Oh, really?

[B]

I have a picture of Shane's ass if you'd like to see it after the show.

[F]

Maybe later.

[C]

It's more of a bubble than you think it's going to be.

[B]

It's better than you think.

[F]

Natasha. Leon went on stage naked. This could be like a whole thing.

[B]

Who went on stage Naked.

[F]

Natasha. Leanne. She went on stage topless like two years ago.

[C]

Really? How was that? Fifteen years too late. No.

[B]

Damn.

[F]

The next. The next episode of this we can all. Yeah.

[B]

No, no, Miss out loud. Please. Just call out whatever you want. You're part of the show. She was like, shane, fuck is wrong with you, lady?

[C]

Heroin's kicking in. This is the best part.

[B]

She showed up in her underwear and she's just talking to us.

[C]

Dude. She's in the garden of the feeder right now. She's got a tattoo of a dojo on her arm. You think she's sober? No.

[B]

This up. My vote's. Kevin, who else is voting? I want to say this is you.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

Please wait.

[C]

But why would you be depressed one summer?

[B]

Why would I be?

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

We need a. Oh, your father was murdered and then your mother was a junkie prostitute. It's Lewis.

[B]

I actually like. I like when you do that because I'm glad. You're wasting your points. And me too. And that's it's way to play the long game.

[C]

Trying to get them.

[B]

It's karma. Because you say bad things about my parents who are watching us right now who are watching Story wars from hell. Satan allows you to watch Story Wars?

[E]

Wait, is that why there's so many flies?

[C]

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. They definitely. They definitely get gas digital down in hell.

[B]

Cannon. Who do you think it is?

[E]

I think it's you. The speed in which you've answered. The throw the. The summer thing. That was like a complete mirage.

[C]

Lewis plays the game. So he would throw this in there so he has an excuse to be like. What's one of these dumb shits? Did that. Exactly.

[B]

I would. That would be a great strategy.

[C]

It was a great strategy. But I didn't fall for it.

[B]

Cannon. Writing Lewis with a little Puerto Rican schmuckoo. Whatever they call that. A little schmucker schwa. Little booger on the page accent.

[C]

Mark.

[B]

Noelle, what are you thinking here?

[F]

I think it's you. Because you've been very quiet.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm telling you, jay has said 10,000 words.

[C]

Shut the minute.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[C]

But I was killing up here.

[F]

The weight of the pauses in between words.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

The silence is what says shifty eyes.

[B]

He does have shifty eyes. Yeah.

[C]

I don't remember being depressed as a kid ever. I definitely could fall in love with the lead character. But it wasn't just like one thing. Like I thought Cousin Larry. Balky.

[B]

Bartoko fell in love with cousin Larry.

[C]

Oh, his girl.

[B]

I fell in love with cousin it from the Adams family.

[C]

His girlfriend in the show. There was definitely a lot of TV people. I can't think of a movie this would be for me. It's not me.

[B]

Halle Berry.

[C]

I went through it. Everybody. It's not me.

[B]

Halle Berry in the Flintstones movie.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

Come on, dude. Toy.

[C]

Toy.

[D]

Nice.

[C]

You know why I hate it? I didn't watch that movie because back in those days, everyone would have been black.

[B]

That is true.

[C]

It was culturally inappropriate.

[B]

Kevin. Noel, we got to get these answers in. What are we thinking?

[D]

I'm gonna go with Mike. I think you were a depressed, little emotional boy that could have done this.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

So I'm locking it in. Mike Cannon.

[B]

Noel wrote Billy.

[E]

That's awesome.

[B]

No, that's fine.

[D]

Well, I guess it's Noel.

[B]

Who's Billy?

[D]

The character she fell in love with.

[F]

Billy Bob Burton. Billy Bob Thornton. No, I'm gonna go with Lewis.

[B]

You're going with me.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's see.

[E]

She definitely thinks Jay's name is Billy.

[C]

It's possible. I do read Billy.

[B]

No, do you think. Do you think his name is Billy?

[F]

No.

[B]

Dude. Being a hot chicken floating through the world, not having to have respect for anybody rules.

[C]

Just voting for somebody else because you don't remember one person's name. I always say Lewis because he's the only person I really know up here.

[B]

Oh, that ruled. Alex, all of our answers are in Whose story is story number one?

[G]

Story number one belongs to Mike Cannon.

[C]

Let's go.

[B]

Let's go.

[E]

All the reasons you had for him.

[B]

Were valid for me. It was valid for you.

[E]

I'm so gay. I thought you had this peg.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, I don't even think Mike has to be depressed to do this. He could be happy and fall in love with characters on television.

[B]

What movie? And what. Yeah.

[D]

Who was it? What was this year?

[C]

And let me see. We can guess the point person. What year?

[E]

It was two. 2007, I think. And it was for a full summer after my senior year of college.

[C]

Is this like a Hollywood it girl of the time?

[E]

It was a Hollywood it girl, but kind of an indie. But it blew up to be a mainstream success. Of course you can.

[C]

Oh, my God. It's not Elliot Page, is it?

[F]

I'm going to say Natalie Portman.

[E]

You're correct.

[C]

Wow. Wow. Professional.

[B]

Professional.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

They go, and she's wearing the headphones.

[B]

Which movie?

[E]

Garden State.

[B]

Yeah, Garden State.

[D]

You are so gay. Crazy gay.

[E]

I had a butter knife to my wrist every fucking morning just watching that movie.

[C]

I had a crush on her in the movie Heat because she tried to kill herself. And I like a weak willed lady.

[B]

Yep.

[F]

Wait, hold on. Do I get points for picking that but not remembering his name?

[B]

No. You've just made an enemy out of Big J for the rest of your life.

[C]

It wasn't me. It was definitely KFC she thought was Billy.

[B]

So. All right, well, Alex, where are our points at after one story?

[G]

All right, on the scoreboard, in second place with two points, Kevin Clancy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[G]

And in the lead with three points, Mike Cannon.

[C]

Cleaning house.

[B]

All right, let's take a quick moment, story warriors, and thank Turtle beach for supporting today's show. We love Turtle Beach. Great, great hardware for if you're a video gamer or even a podcaster. I use my, my Stealth 700 headsets for podcasting all the time whenever I'm on the road. The surround sound makes you feel like you're actually really in the game. The battery lasts for a whopping 80 hours. Jay, you literally. This was your gift last year for Christmas to everybody you know.

[C]

It was indeed everybody I know who's a gamer for sure, which I have two brother in laws who are. And it made me look like a hero because again, I'm not a big time gamer myself. But I mean they were so excited to have these because they are way involved in like the online gaming.

[B]

Yeah, it has the first ever crossplay dual wireless transmitter system. You can easily switch between your consoles and your PC and you can multitask like a pro. Not just that, they have a bunch of great hardware. Turtle beach has been in the game for a very long time. Been in the game, get it? So make sure you guys go to turtlebeach.com and use the promo code wars W A r Z for 10 off your entire order. 10 off. Once again, that's turtlebeach.com promo code wars with a Z. Save that 10. Let them know we we sent you there.

[C]

Support us.

[B]

Support us. Have a great time gaming.

[C]

Let's go, Alex. Story number two, Louis.

[G]

Story number two. I fell down a flight of stairs while sleepwalking.

[D]

Appropriate usage of I feel like a.

[C]

Girl'S the only person who wouldn't die from this. Just by lightness.

[B]

Just by lightness.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You fell down a flight.

[C]

If I started to fall sleeping, I'm dead. There's no way the thunder that I come down those stairs with doesn't cause permanent brain damage.

[B]

Oh, you're gonna do damage to yourself. Damage to the home.

[C]

The stairs are the foundations for surely going to have to fucking. They're not carpeted.

[E]

It's the first house that ever gets totaled.

[C]

Yeah. You know what, dude? This thing's a wash. We're just going to give you all the cash for it.

[F]

I am very clumsy. I actually have been texting and walked straight into a metal pole in New York and had to go to the er. But it's not me.

[B]

But it's not you. Well, I think women. Women are less susceptible to sleepwalking than men. Am I just making that up?

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Totally made up.

[C]

That is science. That has never been fore.

[B]

Pretty good to me. Sounds like a fact that I just made up, but it sounds good.

[C]

No doubt. Black people don't dream and midgets don't sweat.

[F]

One in. You heard it here first one in five men sleepwalk.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

Is that true?

[F]

It's a true fact.

[E]

Why would you know that fact unless you have a sleepwalker?

[B]

Wow. Great point, Cannon.

[C]

Damn.

[E]

She also.

[D]

You also tried to really put out there another like a. A second story, but it's not me. Like, I don't know. That felt very proactive.

[C]

Yeah. What a weird, fun fact.

[D]

I walked into a column texting whatever that was.

[B]

Billy, we got this.

[C]

My name's Fat Billy. Hey, Fat Billy goes Big J.

[B]

He booked her on the show. He literally was.

[D]

You're the one who likes.

[C]

I booked her on the show.

[B]

Have you.

[D]

You've been talking.

[C]

That is under Big J over. There's no Billy in the name. She just clicked the link on my stories.

[F]

It was a metaphorical Billy. Oh, the royal Billy, like the royal we like the. Yeah.

[B]

I see.

[C]

We are all Billy.

[F]

We are all Billy.

[B]

The other thing is, I think what I'm noticing now is that Noel does not have a good poker face. As soon as you called her at it for a second, I saw her face just started to distort. She was trying to hold back a smile. Her eyes started twitching. I'm thinking this very well could be Noel.

[C]

Well, it could be, except it's you. You don't sleep well.

[B]

You would know if I've ever sleepwalked. Ever slept.

[D]

You laid it on thick with the whole, like, I would die if I fell.

[C]

Lewis would also know if I ever slept.

[B]

If you ever slept, walked, I would know. I. I will say right now, this is the good thing about how and the bad thing. We know each other very well. So I will tell you right now, Big J does not sleepwalk. I would know that about.

[C]

And if Louis. This is Louis's story for sure. He's kept a crazy thing for me and he lies to me all the time. So I will say, this could be Louis. He's never told me a sleepwalking story, but he might just lie and say he's done that and then be like, oh, I'll tell you everything.

[E]

Does Louis. For road trips, does Louis pack a sleeping bag and mittens so he can't zip it up?

[C]

Louis fits whatever you can fit into a fanny pack. And it's all wet.

[F]

This also feels like a battered woman story. She's like, no, I didn't. I wasn't pushed. I fell down the stairs.

[B]

Like, I don't think.

[D]

I think she's still figuring things out.

[B]

She's like, I don't know. I don't know who this is, but it's definitely a woman.

[C]

I also think now, I also think a lot of guys have put hands on Noel.

[E]

She thinks Billy spelled B, I, L.

[C]

L, I, E. My name's J, U. Cont. I've been staring at you for months online. Look at me. See me. Excuse me, Billy.

[B]

All right, I will. I'm gonna start it up again, guys. I'm saying, Noel, I've never been more positive about anything in my entire life.

[C]

Right now, I just want you to know, if it's you and accept this as my friend. I'm gonna slap you in the face because I'm not gonna vote for you.

[B]

Why? Might fall asleep. It'll wake me up.

[C]

Very possible, your sleepwalking problem.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I'm gonna slap you, but don't get mad at me. Don't fight back.

[B]

I won't.

[C]

Okay, then I'm gonna go with Noel also.

[B]

Nice. Smart move.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

I could see Noel unanimous. Jacob's laddering down the side.

[B]

I mean, if this isn't Noel, somebody just cleaned the up.

[F]

I'm gonna say Jay.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

She got it.

[C]

It's definitely all the names you remember. There couldn't be more her.

[D]

I think she's gonna like Jay or.

[B]

Billy the whole night. That's it. Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay.

[C]

Jay Lewis. She knows my name. Do you feel me growing?

[B]

We were so excited to have a hot chick on the show, and in two minutes, she's like, what's your name, loser?

[C]

The fat one. Not the dirty one, the fat one. I'm gonna call him Billy. Looks like a Billy. What if I just accept it?

[B]

Yeah. Hey, Billy. I'm Billy now.

[C]

Yeah, Billy. Can I get a ride home? Yeah. It's way out of my way, but.

[B]

I'll tell you, Alex, all of her.

[G]

Answers are in story number two. Belongs To Kevin Clancy.

[B]

Fuck you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?

[C]

Fuck you, Billy. Fuck you.

[D]

Yeah, let's go. Give me that book about that guy getting raped.

[C]

Billy wasn't mean to you.

[B]

Tell us a little more. Tell us a little bit more about this story. You sleepwalk. Do you still sleepwalk?

[D]

I haven't in a while, but there I sleep talk and sleep walked. Slept, walked, like, a lot in my life. This is my freshman year of college.

[B]

Well, you can sleep talk the talk, which can't sleep walk the walk.

[D]

I. I have done it. I've done it all, man. I. But, yeah, it was like freshman year of college, a couple weeks into the semester, and in the dorm. In the dorm went, like, running down the hallway. I need it. I. I had shoulder surgery from it back. Like, I.

[C]

My.

[D]

It pretty much ruined my life, to be honest. But other than that, it was. It was. It's all worth it because maybe I'll win this rape book now. So, you know, in the long run. In the long run, I came out ahead.

[C]

But remember, it was his father that.

[D]

Raped him at a payphone.

[B]

Because some people in the payphone, right? Yes, some people.

[F]

People.

[B]

Some people sleepwalk, but some people, when they. It's almost like a version of, like, night terror. So you, like, violently slept. Like, you would run and scream, jumped.

[D]

Out of the bed, running out. Everyone in the dorm thought I was a psycho. It was like the only time in college that I wasn't higher on drugs or whatever. And everyone thought I was.

[C]

Of course, you have to. On your podcast, talk to Kurt Metzger about. This is the only person I know who I've experienced the same hilarious thing with, like, waking up, like. I mean, my favorite to give one story was he woke up screaming middle of the night. He goes, there's a laser in my eye. And his girlfriend, big help, went.

[D]

Well, that's funny.

[C]

So.

[D]

So I was. At the time, I was. I was living with a girl, and one of the times I slept, walked, I thought the room was on fire, but I just got up and ran out and left her there.

[C]

Oh, I thought you're gonna say. I was like, it's on fire.

[D]

It's on fire. She was like, you didn't even try to help me. And I was like, well, I don't know. That's probably a sign of things.

[C]

You were like, well, I was gonna pee on you, but I thought better of it.

[F]

Is that public accumulation why you became a comedian?

[D]

Public humiliation of the sleepwalking?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

No, no, there's. There's Other things, but nothing.

[F]

It happened later on.

[B]

Well, all right. We have two stories down. Alex, where are points at? Kevin just cleaned up. Yeah.

[D]

Let's go.

[G]

On the scoreboard. In second place with three points, Mike cannot. And in the lead with six points, Kevin Clancy.

[C]

Wow. Hey. Good thing we all showed up, Alex.

[B]

Story number three.

[G]

Story number three. I woke up hungover after blacking out, only to realize that I had adopted a dog. Paperwork and all. I took her outside to shit. We locked eyes and I fell in love.

[C]

Girl.

[B]

It does feel.

[C]

The only girls I know that black out and do full blown activities that require pulling out identification and shit.

[E]

I blacked out and voted.

[C]

I blacked out and wrote three chapters of a book. And I woke up. It was genius.

[B]

I blacked out and I registered for the army. It's all in Noel's voice.

[C]

And I'm already a corporal.

[B]

Noel, do you have a dog?

[F]

No comment.

[B]

Oh, wait. Jesus Christ.

[F]

Yes, I do. I have a pit bull.

[B]

You have a pit bull?

[D]

Did you adopt it after getting blacked out?

[B]

You can lie. The whole game is to lie.

[C]

I just can't.

[D]

Strategy.

[C]

Oh, man. Yeah, you got me.

[D]

Like I look like this.

[E]

I've never had to lie.

[F]

I did not.

[C]

You lie. Remember you told everybody you thought my name was Bill? You didn't mean that. You knew my name was Jay. You're super into me, right?

[F]

I'm sober, so I don't, you know.

[D]

Now.

[B]

Now after you're drinking a Heineken.

[F]

A Heineken.

[B]

Zero.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Well, you have to get home and feed a dog. You can't be all fucked up.

[B]

I have a question. What's your. What's your dog's name?

[F]

Whitney Houston.

[B]

So it is a female. I'm just checking. I'm just making sure.

[D]

I'm gonna go.

[B]

I mean, we're just wasting time. Noel, moving forward. Lie. Final answer. Noel. Jay, don't not remove your hand. You removed your hand, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Billy doesn't exist.

[C]

Oh, I thought her name was Billy. Oh, that's my bad. I don't really know people's names. She looks like a Billy.

[B]

Judges, note that big J's Billy counts as Noel. All of her answers are in.

[G]

Story number three belongs to Noel Leon.

[B]

Billy.

[D]

That would have brought the house down if it wasn't her.

[B]

If it was somehow that would have been crazy. From somebody else.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So what happened? How are you really are sober now?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Was it because of this decision? You brought a baby killing dog into your life?

[F]

She was like. She's like 60 pounds. And she was like, she has, like, a long nipple that's, like, really, really abnormally long.

[B]

She's getting hard again.

[F]

And so I was like, slow down. So I was blacked out drunk, and I woke up with her, like, literally slobbering over me. And I was like, staring at.

[B]

I get in trouble when I do that to women.

[F]

I was staring at this nipple. I was like, either. Something really strange happened last night. I don't know. So, anyways, I got stuck with this dog, like blood. It was a traumatic experience, but we're in love.

[C]

Yeah, but you're blood. Was the dog also drunk? The dog also woke up and, like, did you adopt me last night? The happened. God damn, dude. I got to stop going to local. I got to stop drinking at local wrestling shows.

[B]

Muon got blackout drunk and chipped herself instead of the dog. All right, well, Alex, where are our points at?

[G]

All right on the scoreboard. Tied for third place with two points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Big J. Okerson.

[C]

Billy. Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.

[D]

What a great gift she gave us. That's gonna be. You're gonna be yelling Billy for the rest of your career, dude.

[C]

Big J. Billy Okerson. There's too many nicknames. Billy, two sets of quotes in your name. I'm Big J. Billy Okerson.

[B]

No, dude, no. It's not Big J. It's Billy J. Okerson. It's very obviously Billy J. Okerson.

[C]

I'm gonna start carrying.

[B]

She thought your name was Billy J, buddy. Like a fucking.

[C]

Honestly, I'm gonna start walking on stage with a fucking real axe. Bill J. Overton.

[B]

Billy J.

[C]

Hey, guys, you have ox parking here.

[B]

Alex, continue.

[G]

In second place, with five points, Mike Cannon.

[C]

Good. Doing good.

[G]

And in the lead with eight points, Kevin Clancy.

[B]

Kevin right now playing a damn near perfect game. Very nice. All right, Alex. Story number four.

[G]

Story number four. One time, I went on a date to the movies. While walking up the stairs with all of our snacks and sodas, I took a fall, and the entire movie theater laughed at me.

[B]

I'm getting some context clues. Snacks, soda. Clumsy. I think this might be Billy J. Okerson.

[C]

Billy J. Billy J. Y. This does sound like me. I love snacks, I love movies, and I do not love stairs.

[B]

Jay loves Dude. Jay loves going to a movie. He stocks up on snacks.

[C]

My living nightmare is that a room full of people will be laughing at me because I fell and did something fat.

[B]

He does crush rooms. He makes everyone laugh. This sounds so much like Jay.

[C]

It does, but it's not. So that's going to Be a problem.

[B]

See, that's how you play the game, Noel. You deny it even when it's you.

[C]

Yeah. Watch. Do it the other way again.

[B]

Yeah, I think it's j that.

[C]

You guys are nuts.

[D]

You made a big stink about falling down the stairs. The last story, though, this one you didn't really. You know what I mean? You said about you'd break the stairs.

[B]

And this is walking up the stairs.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

And it's movie theater.

[B]

That is a particularly clumsy thing. And I have fallen upstairs before. Falling upstairs is one of the most embarrassing things ever.

[C]

Dude, it's about to just go down.

[D]

When you try to stop it.

[C]

Fattest, fattest night of my life. Fell upstairs, McDonald's bag broke, and all of my french fries just rained down the stairs by me fucking Billy.

[B]

You have more than one falling up the stairs snack story?

[C]

Probably, but this isn't one of them. But yeah, movie theater stairs, though, are more of like. It's a less violent fall year. It's long steps usually. Right.

[B]

You sure know a lot.

[D]

You know a lot about movie stairs. Somebody who's measured the.

[C]

I enjoy movie theaters.

[F]

What was the last movie you saw in a theater?

[C]

Weapons.

[F]

Weapons. Is that a snack worthy movie?

[C]

Hell yeah.

[F]

Is every movie a snack worthy movie?

[C]

It's a very snack worthy movie. What did I get? Good question. A pretzel bites and some movie theater nachos.

[B]

No popcorn.

[C]

No, not this time. But I did get they. Now they just give you the soda cup and you get to go make a suicide like when you were a kid.

[B]

Oh. Like you do all the different. Like a retarded person. You do all the flavors.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But because I'm also an older gentleman and worried about dying soon, I make a suicide of all zero.

[B]

That is fun.

[D]

That's one of the most pathetic things.

[B]

I've ever heard in my life.

[C]

I love doesn't matter when you're pumping vanilla flavoring into it if the soda is zero. But in my mind I've done something.

[E]

That's a Billy move.

[C]

That's classic.

[D]

What do you do with your.

[C]

This is textbook Billy.

[D]

What kind of a like butter in the popcorn situation. What do you do for that?

[C]

When I was younger, always too much butter. Always too much salt. Realized. And then I'd be like. By three bites in, you're like, I think I hate popcorn. And then you realize you just gotta put salt, then a zip of butter and then you go about your day. You'll be fine.

[B]

But these are things you really caught Jay on a very passionate subject of this?

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

He's gonna write why Billy Y is.

[C]

Gonna be his book all about fucking movies. And also, I'm a Twizzlers guy. I wouldn't feed Red Vines to slaves. Tastes like wax lips. It's insane that anybody likes them.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I haven't. We haven't really explored anyone else. I would think this would be a Noel story because that seems like a female move as well, to fall upstairs.

[E]

And it also has a comma.

[B]

That'S, you know. It's not me. Kevin, is this you?

[C]

Is it Kevin?

[D]

Where'd you grow up, in the Bronx?

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Was it at Magic Johnson Theater?

[C]

Because if you fell, you have aids, but you're living with it, not dying from it.

[B]

Canon was an athlete in high school, right? College baseball. Got that big, fat, beautiful ass of yours. You ain't falling up those stairs. You get up those stairs every time.

[E]

I get Zel, hop up those stairs.

[C]

Every time brings up Canon. It's the third thing I say. And the guy's got a thumper.

[B]

He's got a fat ass. The kid's got a fat ass.

[C]

Funny, Handsome and a thumper.

[B]

Don, huh? Yeah.

[C]

This could be Canon. I'm thinking KFC possibly.

[B]

He was sleepwalking in, apparently.

[D]

Not my thing, huh?

[B]

I'm getting the voting going. Big J Okerson.

[C]

What? You dumb ass. Now I think it's you. You fuck.

[B]

You think every story is me.

[C]

Well, when you say it's me, it's not me. Makes me think that. Although maybe you're just saying that because it does seem like a lot of elements are a me story. But you might write a me story to throw people off and make them say me when it's Jay.

[B]

We shouldn't do the show together anymore. You don't trust me as a human.

[C]

Every time I trust you, you lie to my face and I have to go hit something else.

[B]

Jay. Jay. Jay. All right. Do you want to catch up to these people or not? Jay, do you want to catch up to these people? We can't let them take another book from the Story wars library. I want to know, do you want to catch up to these people?

[C]

The club took all of our books. Now we're left with nothing.

[B]

I'm letting you know this is not me. It's not. Or vote for me and lose again. Be the biggest loser ever on the fucking show.

[C]

That'd be great if this was the biggest loser. I just watched the documentary. Lewis, tell me. Look me in the face and say it's not you listen, if you tell me it's not you and it's you, I won't go on a pontoon boat with you.

[B]

We're going on a pontoon boat for this week's Legion of Skanks. It's pontoon skanks, you son of a bitch.

[C]

No, Lewis went on a pontoon boat, and now for that reason, everyone's gotta love pontoon boats. Now. Pontoon boats dragging us out to do a show on a pontoon.

[B]

You could just drive it. They don't ask you for any if they don't want to know if you've.

[C]

Ever drove, because it goes five miles an hour. It's for catching dogfish and swimming and finger and date. You knit wit. You're not Don Johnson. Hitting the seat.

[B]

Dude, it goes, like, 18 miles an hour. Don't be a. Wow.

[E]

We almost sunk one on my bachelor party.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Too much weight in the front.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

I can't believe you brought Big J to your bachelor.

[C]

Yeah, they called it the Billy incident. Remember the. The Billy incident? That's why I don't get pontoon boats anymore.

[F]

Where do you take this pontoon boat?

[B]

Greenwood Lake.

[C]

Just a circle.

[D]

Just stay still.

[B]

No, I literally just drive it away from the dock, and then I anchor, and then I get high and drunk. I'm like. That's the whole time, Jay. All right. You think I'm wasting pontoon day?

[C]

Wait. Say it's not you or I'm not doing pontoon day. If you're lying to me.

[B]

It's not me, okay?

[C]

This guy wants to go on a pontoon.

[B]

I really want to go to pontoon.

[C]

This guy has said the word pontoon out loud to me every day. 17 times. Every day since he's gone. Who else would go to the movies and be a clumsy, dumb idiot?

[B]

Jay. You can also see her underwear. Lewis, Edit it. Edit that. That's nothing to do with the show. I just wanted my friend to know.

[C]

That I do not, however, see the outline of a ring. So she does keep it above the waist, which I do appreciate. No jewelry downtown. I appreciate that.

[B]

What do we think?

[C]

Amateur gynecologist.

[E]

I'm going with Kevin. I think he's been quiet. He's been pointing the finger really quickly at other people, and he has been quiet.

[B]

And he's clumsy.

[E]

And then also agreeing with whoever says whatever. So I'm going. Kevin.

[C]

Well, you just made your bed, Mr. Sister, because now I know it's you.

[D]

I was gonna say the. The lady doth protest too much, Michael. And I Feel like you're right, that he is an athlete and this was a super embarrassing moment that stuck with him for life. And that's why you're right.

[C]

He's an athlete. So he was trying to take three steps at a time.

[D]

Yeah, I'm trying to show off. I'll hold the snacks and jump up those little tiny, long stairs.

[C]

Yeah, I take three at a time. No, Mike, you're being crazy. There's like, five feet between each step. Shut up. Sit back and watch. Then honor me by sucking my dick.

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in. Tell me it's big J.

[G]

I can't. That story belongs to Lewis J.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let me tell you something.

[F]

He was kidding.

[C]

He feels fantastic right now. Let me tell you, he's gonna feel like shit on Tuesday when we're filming at my house instead of pontoon boat.

[B]

Let me make this very clear. I love pontoon boats.

[C]

He just.

[B]

But I love winning story wars more.

[C]

He just gave it up.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Lewis, I will not pontoon with you. You do an episode without me, or you will come to my home.

[B]

Oh, you will change your tune on Tuesday to a pond tune.

[C]

I will not be there. You guys are gonna sit there with zinc on your nose waiting to cast off, and I'm gonna be home playing video games alone, waiting for you in a pavilion.

[B]

You had my name. You. You had it in the slot.

[E]

You look your friend of 20 years, Billy, right in the eyes.

[C]

That's how you treat Billy?

[B]

This was high school. This was. What movie? It might have been American Pie. Like, this is, like, straight up, like my. Like, I'm 43 years old. This is my thinking.

[D]

It's an old school move.

[B]

Old school movie. You know, I'm so clumsy, period. Like, dude, how do I. You know how clumsy I am. And I was out with my girlfriend.

[D]

I. I don't think I'd ever forgive him.

[B]

If I.

[C]

Look at me. Don't look at me for friend in the world. Yeah, you know my thing. I don't know anything about you. You're a bad person. You're a bad friend.

[E]

Lewis tripped over his Jancos.

[B]

I did. I was wearing big ass Jenkos in a chair. And dude, I. I w. And it was me and my girlfriend and another couple, like, her best friend, her boyfriend. And I'm walking upstairs, and it was, like, during the preview. So whatever. It was like, whatever movie they were advertising was like a very bright moment where the entire theater was lit up. I'm like. And I just Fell and everything, literally. Both popcorns, both sodas spilled onto the floor in front of me. I looked up and everybody in the theater was pointing and cackling at me. Except my girlfriend, who was doing this.

[D]

How much longer you stay together with her?

[B]

We stayed together until the first year of college.

[E]

Better than I would have thought.

[F]

Took the pontoon to a car and take it to his house.

[B]

Can I get a pontoon to your house? That's a great thing.

[C]

Pontoon to me. But I will be taking part in no pontoon. That was crazy what you just did. You just damaged a long term friendship. Oh, no.

[B]

He did it again.

[C]

He did it again. Billy wins. Billy wins. Wow. Wow. Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.

[B]

Why are there so many liquids on me?

[C]

Oh, Louis, meet Lewis.

[B]

Alex, give us our point spread.

[D]

That was a big round for you.

[C]

You're a lousy human.

[G]

All right. Heading into halftime, in last place, with zero points, Noel Leon.

[F]

Because I'm just too good of a person. Really.

[B]

That's what it is.

[F]

I am.

[C]

You're not bad. Like. Like some people I know who are really bad people. He looked at me right in the face. You didn't even shiver a little bit.

[B]

Nope. I was about to swear my son's life. I really wanted that round. I really wanted that round.

[D]

If I. If I see you on a pontoon boat, if you cave at all, I'll never respect you again. You better never be on a pontoon.

[C]

Lewis knows one thing for sure. He knows. He abandoned the idea of pontoon boat. He waited out. He goes, we'll do it at Jay's house.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We'll pontoon another day. We got years of pontoon.

[B]

I literally did.

[C]

Yeah. He knows it's not gonna. He knows I will hold firm to that. And he went. Yeah. You know what, dude? Worth it, Alex.

[G]

All right. In fourth place, with two points, Big J. Oaker.

[C]

You. Do not patronize me.

[G]

In third place, with five points, Mike Cannon. In second place, with six points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with eight points, Kevin Clancy.

[C]

Kevin, I'm going full tilt behind you for the rest of this game. However, I can help you Shake and Bake style to win this.

[D]

Let's go.

[C]

I'm gonna do my best. I want this book out of Lewis's life.

[B]

Don't you dare.

[C]

Because. Why, Gary? Why? It's the definitive true crime memoir by Offer Jody Pache about the highly publicized 1984 case. They updated it.

[B]

They updated it.

[C]

The book tells the chilling story of a father. Yes. A father who, upon learning his son has been abused, hunted down the perpetrator and killed him. It's a powerful and candid account of a father's vengeful act to save his son and the long, difficult journey of a family undertaking. When a family undertakes to find peace and justice after a life altering tragedy. This guy's a comedy fan, huh? That's heavy.

[E]

I mean, he kind of missed the boat on saving his son.

[C]

Don't.

[B]

Don't use that term.

[D]

Miss the pontoon.

[B]

Don't rub it in, asshole.

[C]

I really missed the pontoon boat. Lewis is never going to read this book and he wanted to go on that pontoon boat.

[B]

We are at the halfway point of the show. At this point we always do a quick little plug session. Noel, what are you plugging?

[F]

What?

[B]

Huh? Stars. Do you have anything to plug any shows, any podcasts, anything? What a life she has. Like, I don't even care.

[C]

I know. I don't know. Money just falls on me.

[F]

I have a movie that I wrote that's coming out on Hulu this Christmas.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

On Hulu. What's it called?

[F]

It's called A Comedy of Errors. It was called Noel, Noel, Noel. But then I got so much from my friends for making a movie that was my name. Even though it was a Christmas movie.

[C]

They were right.

[B]

Yeah, well, he has a movie that he wrote called Billy, Billy, Billy.

[C]

It's true. It's a crime noir.

[F]

There was an interview I did about it there. They were like, Noel of Noel, Noel, Noel. It's like, okay, we got to change the name.

[B]

Well, I can't wait to watch it. Very excited. Canon.

[E]

Check out the pod Beautiful boys. And I'll be on the road. I'm in Levittown in Portland, Maine. And mike canon comedy.com for all that.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

My podcast is KFC Radio. You can find that wherever podcasts are available. Follow me on all social media at KFC Barstool. And my co host Feidelberg just put out his first season of his television show Le Mascots. That's on the. On YouTube on their channel. Out of Order. First episode every Tuesday night, 8 o'.

[B]

Clock.

[D]

New episodes. I believe it's a 10, 10 episode season, so go check that out.

[B]

Very cool. Very cool. Big J, BigJ.

[C]

Comedy.com for all my dates. Got Calgary, Portland, Appleton, Wisconsin coming up. I'm all over the place. Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. Wow.

[D]

That's it.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you, Louis. I appreciate that. Of course Check out the bonfire five days a week faction talk series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. Live streaming now on YouTube once a week. So check those out on my YouTube page. Big J Okerson. And of course the flagship show right here at Gas Digital, the Legion of Skanks.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Come see me live. I'm finishing up my 2025 tour. I'll be in. I got a lot of stuff coming up. I have Portland, Maine, Key West, Florida, Levittown, New York, Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri and many more. Go to LewisofSkanks.com Grab those tickets. Sign up for my mailing list. Get my bonus podcast just for subscribers to that mailing list. It's free Boner podcast. I do two other pods, the Regs and obviously Legion of Skanks. Check those out. Also, I have a book that I just finished. It's available for pre order right now on Amazon. It's called Knives and and Spoons. It's a memoir of my childhood. It's funny and dark and fucked up and sad. I think you guys will dig it. So go pre order it right now and make sure you guys, if you love this show, we have a bunch of episodes that are not available anywhere else. We do a pre release of the show every Monday night just for subscribers to Gas Digital. It's ad free, it's uncensored. All the shit we said about this chick's nipples that's going to be on the uncensored version and go subscribe@gas digital.com you get. I mean I think it's like 40 episodes now that are not available anywhere else. Plus thousands and thousands of of hours of other uncensored ad free content. Use the promo code wars with a Z or war and you save a couple bucks a month. It's a brand new platform we just built brand new apps for iPhone, Android everywhere and we really appreciate the support.

[C]

So go do that Alex and G Mike, if you guys are hilarious. When Lewis's book comes out and then we use it as a book to give away, you should write a completely wrong description of the book. He goes When Lewis's grandmother was stabbed in front of a strip club and father became a prostitute. Prostitute.

[E]

Alternate title why Billy why?

[C]

It's in the works. It's in the works. By the way, tonight's winner doesn't only take home why Gary why? But also we're throwing in a special edition of Fart on a Napkin by Billy J. Ogerson. Billy Fart on a Napkin tells the chilling story of somebody to think of something very fast because the. The description of the book we were going to use was going haywire. So fart stepped in the play and became a number one bestseller. Just like that. Boom. Alex, story number five.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[C]

Oh, I'm an idiot.

[B]

You're a fool. It's fine. I got it for the new people.

[C]

So hyped up.

[B]

You got so hyped up for the new people on the panel. You see, I especially. Noel, you're far behind right now. You are. You're. You're at zero points. It feels at this point, I think.

[F]

This is like the underdog. An underdog story.

[B]

Well, and I also think of it as underdog story.

[C]

Mostly you're not great at the game.

[B]

But just so you know, it's not over for you. Okay. It's because at the end, you seem like it's an insurmountable multiple hill that you have to climb. But that's not true, because for the second half of this game, we go double points.

[C]

That's right. Everybody's as simple as it sounds. Nobody's out of the game because before, when you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct story, you got two points. But now, of course, that goes to double points.

[F]

I really want to win this book because. Because I went to this thing last night. It's like slam poetry, and everyone snaps after you read a story. And I think it'd be great to read a raping story in front of all.

[B]

Absolutely. It's great. Just read excerpts in front of these.

[C]

Somebody went on a date with a black guy with an afro. Somebody went on a tinder date with a thoughtful Latino.

[B]

Alex. Story number five.

[G]

Story number five. I fell off my bike once in traffic, knocking the wind out of myself. I then walked my bike home while crying and hyperventilating.

[B]

I actually have a very similar story. I really. Jay.

[C]

Come on, dude.

[B]

No, no, listen to me.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

Listen to me.

[C]

Why would you.

[B]

I have a very similar story. When I was a kid, I was riding my bike with my eyes closed. I used to do this. I would just drive down my street with my eyes closed, and I started veering toward the side, and there was a giant pickup truck with like an out jugged rear view mirror on the side mirror. And I was. I was just riding with my. And the mirror hit me directly in the chest and knocked me back off my bike. And I slammed my head into the ground. And then I literally just wheezed and cried. As I walked my bike home.

[C]

It's the story. You're doing the fucking. Fuck you, dude. You're not talking me out of it. No, no, no, no. Fuck you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop.

[B]

Hear me out, dude.

[C]

No, dude, no. You're hurting me.

[B]

And I mean this.

[C]

I go home wearing this every week.

[B]

Jay, I wouldn't lie to you again.

[C]

Fuck you, dude. Fuck you hard.

[B]

No, dude.

[C]

No, thank you. No, you're right.

[B]

No. Can I say what I think is happening right now is I think Big J is playing the game. I think this is Big J's story and he's. I'm going to. No, no, stop it. You can't do that. That's actually literally against the rules. That's literally against the rules.

[C]

I'm just having a little bit of fun, bud, right there. I'm going to talk to the commissioner about this. Whoa. I'm taking this all the way up to the commissioner.

[B]

It's so funny how many people, like on Reddit in the Facebook group take it so seriously. Like, dude, you know, if they're cheating, that's actually against the law. There's like laws for game shows. You can't actually cheat on a game show.

[C]

So DraftKings is gonna hear about this.

[B]

And we notice that we are very honest on this show. At the very least, what we know, we've never.

[C]

That's crazy. We don't cheat. That is crazy. I feel like that what you did was cheating. You lied right to your friend's face so meanly.

[B]

Literally, the game.

[C]

I know, but you're not supposed to if you care about somebody.

[B]

A lot of people think I'm like, I'm in cahoots with Alex where I have her put stories out at some time.

[C]

I know I would start those Reddit. If I knew how Reddit worked. I would start a Reddit thread that said you and Alex work together against me specifically every week. Yeah.

[B]

I, I, I do think this is Big J. Let's go to the panel. Write it down, what you get.

[E]

I thought it was Noel. And immediately, because I looked at her and she has the poker face of a three year old.

[B]

I'll tell you this much, I'd poke her face.

[C]

Oh, you know what? I'm mad at you. But come on now.

[B]

That would have gotten way more.

[D]

That was, that was a poker face guy who just called me out. Move.

[E]

I know, but she, she also wrote that before I even said her name before. So that took the scent off. Then Lewis is kind of said, selling me on the fact that it might be Jay playing the game, but then Louis is also a liar.

[C]

No, actually, I was gonna say, have fun, but you know what? Don't have fun. Because if you're not gonna say Louis, he's gonna get these points, and it's gonna drive me fucking bananas.

[E]

Your fucking intense stare is horrifying.

[C]

You're right. If it's not gonna be me, please make it Louis. Vote me if you want to, but if not me, please do Louis, so he doesn't get more point. I hate this.

[D]

I think I know. We haven't had a Billy story yet, right?

[B]

Look, to be honest, to be fair, they're all randomly generated, so we. That doesn't actually mean anything, right? We've had people literally at the end.

[C]

The very last story, Mr. Magnanimous over here.

[B]

Have we ever. Have we ever had somebody not have a story pulled? I think they have to at least have a one story.

[C]

I think that's mathematically impossible. We made it.

[G]

We've never had somebody with zero stories.

[B]

We've had people with one. We've had people with three stories. We've had people with three stories pulled in a row.

[C]

Damn.

[F]

To be fair, I also lie. I can't lie when we're having. Like, when I'm having sex, like, if someone asks me if somebody.

[B]

Her.

[F]

If I. If I. If I had an orgasm, I'll just start laughing.

[C]

So, Noel, is this you? Yes.

[B]

You can't lie while having sex. So if a guy's like, are you. Are you. Do you like this?

[F]

I'm like. I just. I just smile very often.

[B]

What type of would ask a girl if she came?

[F]

No comment.

[C]

You're such a bro.

[B]

What are we thinking, boys?

[E]

Damn.

[C]

I'm a he mail.

[D]

I think I'm going big J Okerson.

[B]

Oh, Billy J. Mike.

[C]

I'm just gonna. Before you take your hand off of it.

[B]

He's desperate. He's desperate for points.

[C]

Lewis is going to get points right now.

[B]

If it's him, he's desperate for points.

[C]

If you. You're gonna give lose points. Oh, wow.

[B]

Cannon. Are you just trying to play Kate, Billy, or are you trying to win the game?

[C]

I would never. Billy can't do nothing for him.

[E]

Billy is less of a threat in terms of points. You're. You're ahead of him for sure. All right, I'm going with Lewis.

[B]

Wow. Ass handed to you, Jay. Jay, good job. Good job, Jay. You convinced one of these people not to vote for you. The up me. I know that. I know that. One time you fell off your bike in traffic, knocking the wind out of yourself.

[C]

Do you know that?

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[E]

Damn it.

[G]

Story number five belongs to Big J.

[B]

Oh, I know it.

[C]

Oh, you dumb. Oh, my God. Canada. I. I don't like what Lewis does to me, so I'm going to apologize to you for the way I just looked at you and talked you out of getting points. I feel terrible about it.

[D]

Oh, she's pulling the plug. That's probably a good move.

[E]

Yeah, I mean, she felt. I think that.

[D]

Yeah, Have a good one.

[B]

She left.

[D]

Oh, she was.

[B]

Oh, Was it all the sexual harassment?

[D]

No, no, that was. It was on account of the drugs, I think.

[C]

It was. Not at all. It was. Yeah, the.

[E]

It was the nipple rings made out of ketamine.

[C]

Hang on.

[D]

Yeah, the K hole was.

[C]

Was the reason the door closed. The judge closed door.

[F]

The.

[C]

Methadone clinic closes. The family. That was crazy.

[B]

Just.

[C]

Just don't. We talked about her nipple rings, and she was not okay the rest of the time. She also went to the bathroom 47 times in the first half of the show.

[B]

Kratom is one hell of a drug.

[C]

This lady wants to be friends with her and it wasn't going great.

[B]

No, no. It was.

[F]

Use me first.

[B]

She wanted to. You. Oh, she should we move people up into the. I mean, these are two front row seats we have. It's on camera view. I think we should.

[C]

Anybody else have nipple rings or want to show their.

[B]

Come on up here. Show these nipple rings.

[C]

Come on. Come on now.

[B]

Nipple rings.

[D]

Here's the thing, G. Are you on ear?

[C]

It doesn't matter.

[D]

No, no. Yeah, go ahead. Are you on heroin, too?

[C]

Here's a promise. You guys aren't wearing skirts, so we can't see your. But is it. You know what? It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

[B]

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. She's hot, dude. It's a hot. Are you Asian or you Mexican? I can never tell.

[C]

Vietnamese.

[B]

You're Mexican. Asian.

[C]

Vietnamese.

[B]

Filipino.

[C]

Filipino.

[D]

Oh, the Mexico.

[B]

I said Filipino. Yes, everyone.

[D]

Now they're. Now it's a friendship. There you go.

[C]

Filipina and Mexico both enjoy a good donkey show. Both have zero age limit on getting sex change work.

[B]

Those are very, very low ages of consent in both those countries.

[C]

Low ages of consent. You can put a baby in a family member. Come on now. The Philippines. Your parents met on a rickshaw. The Philippines.

[E]

Statistically, one of you has to be a nurse. Damn.

[C]

Every night, dinner. Your dinner. Food still has faces on it. Philippines. Philippines.

[B]

Wait, have we not voted? Yeah, we did. We did. Where are points at? That's where we're at. Alex, where our points at?

[G]

All right, after story number five.

[C]

Oh, I didn't tell the stories. What it was.

[B]

Oh, sorry. Please. And we got it.

[C]

I swear by the traffic knocking my. The wind out of myself. And then I was. No, I went. It was going. I thought I was gonna make like a light. And then when I realized I wasn't, I like hit the brakes hard and then hit like a curb or something and went forward on the bike. So it just wailed me in the chest and I. And there was so. It was like windows down weather for sure enough that people were like out there. And I went and then cried. Walked it back. It's the worst. Look, I should just got back on the bike and like, wheeze rode home. But I slowly went by every car going, help. Something's wrong. Is this forever?

[B]

How old were you? 45 years old.

[C]

22 years old.

[F]

This was the last.

[C]

I was coming back from college. Not young, like 17. Yeah, buddy. It hurt. I got up on this thing. I didn't want anybody to know. I was like, I think I have to go to the hospital for real. But I can't let anybody see me sit on the ground and cry.

[F]

I saw you on the west side aisle.

[C]

It's very possible.

[B]

Alex, where our points at? 5 stories in.

[G]

All right. On the scoreboard. In last place with zero points, Noel Leon.

[F]

Do we have to rub it in every round?

[B]

Noel, if you'd give me the opportunity, I would rub it in.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Get it.

[C]

But only with his right hand. He's uncoordinated with his left. What? Listen, it's not over. You still have enough questions. You can win this game, Alex.

[F]

Thank you.

[G]

In fourth place with five points, Mike Cannon.

[D]

You're slipping, bro. It's cuz you're a. And you couldn't stick with Billy J.

[B]

You'd have nine points right now had you voted me, because it is double points, so.

[C]

Damn, dude. You know who I really enjoyed that? That girl who OD'd. She's getting narcanned on the bar as we speak. She's back alive, but she doesn't know what happened here.

[B]

Sorry. Good. Alex.

[G]

In third place with six points, Big J. Okerson.

[C]

Don't touch me, you lying piece of.

[G]

In second place with 10 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[C]

Smattering of applause this guy just nuzzle in. Did he just come in? That is your boy Okay. I thought some dude just weirded. He goes, no one's gonna take the bait. What's up there, mama? Hey, you want me to bring your family over here on a pon?

[B]

Alex.

[G]

And in the lead with 12 points, Kevin Clancy.

[C]

That's a good score.

[B]

I'm catching up, Kevin.

[C]

That's a good score.

[F]

Kevin's like silent and deadly.

[B]

In the corner, stink. Okay, Story warriors, I'll tell you right now, the reason that I'm so competitive at story wars is because my brain is firing on all cylinders. And I feel both physically and mentally strong. And a lot of that reason is because I drink Body Brain coffee every single morning. Body Brain coffee is Colombian freeze dried coffee that is packed with adaptogens and nootropics that help your. Your testosterone naturally, your brain function naturally, your mood, and overall just makes you feel like a million bucks.

[C]

Hell yeah. Fucking Tongkat Ali. It's my favorite bad guy from the Jean Claude Van Damme Universe.

[B]

Do you have another joke for this effort?

[C]

No, that's the joke that. It's always that joke.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I always remind people that that's my favorite bad guy from the Jean Claude.

[B]

You need to drink more Body Rain coffee. So your brain is firing on all cylinders.

[C]

Oh, nice, dude. My synapses are not firing.

[B]

It really is a great product. People love it. It's just five ingredients. There's no fillers, there's no sugar. It's vegan. It's. It's genuinely a great product. If you buy it, I know you're gonna love it. Just go to bodybraincoffee.com, use the promo code War25. War25. You save 25 off your order, it's shipped right to your door. It really is great. You could order one or two packs and yeah, enjoy. Better testosterone and better brain function from Body Brain coffee. All right, where were we? Alex? Story number six.

[D]

There's eight total.

[B]

Eight total stories.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Story number six. I fell for what I thought was going to be a $100,000 opportunity. It was taken away from me and my life hasn't been the same since.

[C]

I'm gonna say cannon. Cause he went. He went prematurely gray. Which means life turned around young. He got out of college, they were like, you're gonna play in Turkey for $100,000 and then you fucking twisted your ankle or something.

[B]

Yeah, Ken, you're not just gray, you're like gray like you went to a haunted house and fell asleep there and then you walk, walked out of it the next day like this.

[E]

I Am Specter.

[C]

Yeah. You have. You have an inexplicable three hours of your life that you are unaccounted for. And you just came home different with gray hair.

[B]

I also kind of feel like it's canon. I'll tell you why.

[E]

Because I feel like everyone offered $100,000 for anything.

[B]

Yes. And I think that you're so poor that it changed your life.

[C]

Ever since he thought it was going to be because it didn't come through. It changed their life.

[F]

Sport. Did you play?

[E]

I played basketball.

[F]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

I. I have a small.

[B]

She just checked out your. She's like, that ain't a basketball player's.

[C]

Oh, you must be able to fly with that tiny penis not holding you down to the earth. Can you do flips before you dunk? Like the Globetrotters?

[B]

Do you think a big dick for, like, you know, like. Like shavers will, like, swim their leg or swimmers will shave their legs.

[C]

Shavers also swim their legs.

[B]

Do you think that a big dick, like, slows you down on the water, or does it act as like a.

[E]

That's why that trick swimmer was so good.

[C]

If you. Yeah. If you backstroke, it's like a fin slice through the water. You guys probably don't know about a lot about nautical, but. Slices through your. Your big fat dickle slice.

[B]

Yeah, I. I don't think that Noelle has ever really had anything taken away from her. She's just.

[C]

I believe Noel has been offered several hundred thousand dollars opportunities. She's taken some. She hasn't taken.

[B]

She turned some down for the hell of it.

[C]

That's why I think it's her.

[E]

Because I think she was offered 100,000, lost it, and was immediately offered $300,000.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This wasn't about the opportunities we took.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, Kevin's been in the business a little while. I feel like that wouldn't change life to. You can't. Can't. So here's the thing. We all work in the business, right? It's like one of these young comic things. You think you're gonna get a TV show. You think you have a pilot. You go through multiple rounds, you get. In the end, it doesn't happen. We. A lot of people have that story, but I believe that this is. You'd be wrong, Mike.

[E]

I think that's.

[B]

That's a lot.

[C]

Before we. Before we jump on this, please let me tell you something about this piece of.

[B]

I'm great at the game.

[C]

Just bought a house. Homeowner now.

[B]

Fantastic as of today.

[C]

And the emotion I saw in him today was life changing. Because these are the amounts of money that would change everything for Lewis forever. And I think Louis thought he was getting a hundred thousand dollar opportunity and that would take. That would fuck you up. That would set you a path. No, no, no. I think this is a while back and that's what set you on a path to start your own network and all this goofy shit you do.

[E]

Yeah, weren't you, you were going to LA with Nate.

[B]

I was going to LA with Nate. And that would have been a multi million dollar opportunity.

[E]

Lewis would have been running his carnival rides at Nateland.

[C]

Oh my God, dude, could you imagine? Can you imagine a Nate Friendly, clean Lewis? How great would that be?

[B]

I would love it.

[C]

Oh, that'd be so good. Hey, you guys ever go to a bathroom and realize someone didn't wash their hands?

[B]

Stories are all I used to open for Nate and he would tell me, he'd be like, man, just be clean. That's all you gotta do is be clean. It'll be great. And all I would do is, I would just omit like fuck. But I would still be like. So anyway, there I was. I was effing this bitch in her ass. No, here we are. I'm clean. It's clean.

[C]

You ever have sex with a baby and then I ejaculated on its butt? On its tussy?

[B]

Yeah, I'm getting Mike Cannon vibes on this.

[E]

I'm now getting you because I think you're throwing it off. Because you do great, you do well for yourself. And this does seem kind of like small potatoes for you, Louis.

[C]

I'm voting for Mike Cannon. If it's you, we're back on the pontoon. If it's you, I'll go back on the pontoon boat. Just like that.

[B]

Yeah, I, I'm reading, I'm reading canon on the story all day. Young comic, young comic, desperate for the opportunities. Kevin's been in the barstool. He's not a comic about those things. Noel's has gotten all the opportunities big. I mean, this also could be Big J, Big J. Oh, but that was.

[C]

That'S even more $100,000 opportunity.

[B]

No, but I remember years ago, before you had the bonfire, they, they did a test show on Sirius XM with Big J, and he was offered $40,000 a year. That was the number that was on the, the table. And it got taken away from him.

[C]

First of all, was to be a co host on the Dan Soder show.

[B]

That is true. For $40,000 per year. I remember this. This is the number. And he didn't get it. And he cried on a podcast about it because he thought it was life changing money.

[C]

Yeah, I sure did. Looks like old silly Billy strikes.

[B]

Noel. I convinced Noel.

[C]

Oh, no. What? Ah.

[B]

Alex. All of her answers are in.

[G]

Story number six belongs to Mike Cannon.

[B]

Easy peasy.

[D]

I was pretty sure of that one because that one's on me.

[E]

That was two and a half years ago. Kevin offered me a job on Barstool.

[B]

It was me. It was me.

[D]

I was the opportunity that was taken away. And.

[C]

And.

[D]

And I, like, have not slept since. And this is going to restart it all. And I feel so fucking terrible.

[B]

Why was it you offered it to him and then somebody above you said, yeah, he's just not good company.

[E]

Back for $1. And he was like, I hate comedians. That's it. I came inside my wife for a second child because of this offer.

[C]

This story is fucking meta. This is meta.

[B]

It was. It was. Hold on. When you say an offer now bring me this. It was an offer on the table. Like, dude, not on the offer.

[E]

We went through the negotiations. It was all the way to the literal signing date.

[B]

And then you got there to sign.

[E]

No, it was like, coming.

[C]

Dave Portnoy ordered us. He hired a slice of pizza instead of you. But, like, the best pizza.

[D]

Terrible.

[C]

Like the best pizza New Jersey has to offer.

[E]

Am I right? It had no flop question.

[B]

Did you know Kevin was gonna be on the show?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. That would have been.

[F]

Is that why you wrote this? To rehash this here?

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

By the way, there's a wonderful passive aggressiveness to. I fell for. Oh, clearly I was duped. All dipshit. Cannon Thomas would do a job and turn his life around, take care of his family. Huh? Ah, that's what you get for being a good guy, right?

[B]

Kevin, did you know that this was Cannon's story and what he's talking about? Like, no. Like, as soon as you read it, you're like, fuck.

[C]

He literally goes, oh, I can't wait to watch back and see that.

[D]

Well, I. I didn't say a word.

[B]

I just went, mike.

[C]

And put it down.

[F]

Dude.

[C]

That. That.

[D]

It's. It's. It actually is. Oh, it's terrible. I wanted to, like, build out a whole comedy branch of Barstool. And we were like, everybody in. In my podcast world was in agreement that, like, Mike would be a perfect fit. Like, we, like, very funny. And, like, we're gonna put a battery in his back. And. And then, like, you're crushing him all over again.

[C]

I said, this is going to be the show that is going to make my Canada household name. And then Dave Portnoy came in and said, like, nah, dude, I got to review a slice of Domino's deep dish. They're putting pepperoni on it now. That's pretty cool. I'm gonna pay this slice of pizza $120,000 a year.

[B]

The amount of times.

[C]

It means the money is laughable to me either way.

[B]

Support noise. A hundred thousand dollars is like 10 cents to any of us at this table. That much.

[D]

He could have taken it out of his pocket in cash. And yeah, here you go.

[C]

If they would make a million dollar bill, I would ask seven of my friends for that bill. I'd be like, hey, can I just get a quick million? Oh, yeah, one bill.

[B]

One bill is easy.

[C]

Yeah, I feel like now you need.

[F]

To get him a new interview.

[D]

I. I think there was almost a moment. Maybe I'm wrong. I think you like when Dave bought it back, it was like a text that was like, hey, does this mean anything? Like for. I was like, yeah, it definitely does.

[E]

It's probably all gone.

[C]

But Portnoy's the man, right? He probably wants me to be a part of the family. He like, actually only you specifically know.

[D]

Verbatim, Dave Portnoy so many times has said, I don't get comedy. I don't like stand up comedy. And I was like, well, I'm trying to sign a comedian to your.

[C]

Well, why don't we tell him to figure out on what's going. Going on in Palestine. Yeah, Palestine. Palestine. Palestine. Like that's how little I care about being Jewish. Palestine. All my grandparents are dead. Palestine.

[B]

You know how Palestine sounds like a Jewish place? Like Palestine, like Jew Steinberg. Palestine.

[C]

Oh, Palaceburg.

[D]

By the way, you know how spiteful you have to be to just sacrifice story war points just to stick it to me.

[C]

Just gave me extra points.

[B]

You son of a. Alex, where are points at?

[C]

He's going to go to Beth. He's going to go double points. By the way, honey, I did was.

[D]

Great putting a third one in you now.

[E]

It was a $100,000 story.

[C]

It felt. It felt better than our child being born. Not the one we can't afford because of the deal falling through, but the one we had.

[B]

Alex, six stories are in. Where are our points at?

[G]

All right after six stories, in last place with zero points, Noel Leon. In fourth place with seven points, Mike Cannon.

[C]

It was worth it. Worth it more than worth it.

[G]

In third place with 10 points, Big J. Okerson.

[E]

I just realized my book is why Portnoy? Why?

[C]

Dude, the conversation with your wife and child having a sit down. He goes, hey, babe, do me a favor. Call the car dealership and tell them we're gonna have to dial back to announcement.

[B]

God damn it, Alex.

[G]

In second place with 14 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[C]

Hey, baby, return the fur coat. No, dude, I promise you there's going to be another opportunity. I'll get you that curb coat, baby. I promise you.

[F]

This reminds me of It's Wonderful Life.

[E]

I will be on a bridge later.

[D]

Oh, my God, I'm such a fool. I was like, oh, good, Cannon's on.

[B]

The show with me.

[D]

We're buddies.

[C]

I can't wait to do this show with Mike Cannon. This will make up for changing everything in his life forever.

[B]

Alex.

[G]

And in the lead with 16 points, Kevin Clancy.

[C]

Great victory must taste sweet when you don't know the pain of having to sleep on a couch for three years since this whole thing fell to pieces.

[D]

Fuck me.

[C]

Chief Portnoy paid $1 for his company and leveled Cannon's life. Oh, but the Wayne Ale House does have good pizza. And he was right about that. Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story wars, and that's Yo Kratom, longtime sponsor of all things gas digital high quality, lab tested Kratom. You know, they've been with us forever. 60 kilos delivered right to your door.

[B]

What a. What a price, guys. And I'll tell you right now, we're not saying try Kratom. We're saying if you're using Kratom already, get it from the place that supports great comedy, that has great freedom at great prices. So yo. Kratom.com is really the only place you got to go. It's delivered right to you, your door in what I assume like a. Like a brick style, brown packaging with wire rope around it.

[C]

I thought a. A Mexican lady who's pretending to be pregnant pulls it out of her fake stomach.

[B]

You have to cut open a Guatemalan woman. They send it in a Guatemalan woman, and you have to murder her and pull it from her abdomen.

[C]

She knows she's dying, though, to save her family back at home.

[B]

Yokrandom.com Home of the 60 kilo. Go there. All right, where were we? Alex? Story number seven.

[G]

Story number seven. When I was a kid, I was playing in a large pile of leaves that had been raked up for over an hour before realizing that there were multiple Piles of dog in the leaves. I was covered in head to toe in.

[C]

Does it make sense that I feel like this is. Like this story happened to Lewis, but he's not aware of it?

[B]

What's that smell?

[C]

Somebody rolled in. What is that? Ah.

[B]

I. I can also. I. I see this being the vibe that I'm getting. I've been crushing it tonight. I've been very on point tonight.

[C]

You're in second.

[B]

I'm. Evan's played a perfect game, okay? And he destroyed my friend Mike.

[D]

It's me crushing Mike soul.

[C]

That's my crushing tonight. You have put permanent tension to our relationships.

[B]

No, I'm getting Noel vibes right now. This is like a cute chick story you're playing. At least with you, when you're a.

[C]

Kid, not to mention girl would tell a story because you go, E. No, you were covered in. And you go, wood. Still would.

[B]

Still.

[E]

When Alex was done with half the sentence, Noel goes.

[C]

No one's gonna think it's me covered in.

[B]

Yeah, I'm getting. Noel, where did you grow up when.

[D]

You were a kid? Where were you living?

[B]

Great point.

[F]

No comment. I am studying.

[D]

She's like, I live where they're a pile of leaves. I lived with her shitty piles of trees.

[C]

Noel, the junkie who had to leave could have played this game better than you. Did.

[E]

She really just say a beach?

[C]

Yeah. She goes, vote for Billy. You'll get points eventually. If you vote for Billy every time, you'll eventually get points. If it's double points, you'll get four.

[B]

Can I say that there has been nobody in the history of the game that has gotten zero points?

[C]

Wow. We've decided, by the way, it's as difficult to play a perfect game as it is to never get one point. It's as impressive for this.

[B]

I mean, you're. There's no way you're getting points this round. Noel. This is crazy. Noel, is this you?

[C]

No.

[B]

Say no. Just say no. L. Say the beginning of your name. No.

[E]

No.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Kevin.

[C]

Clearly. Kevin. Oh, arms. Kevin.

[D]

Oh, man.

[C]

Alex.

[B]

Alex.

[G]

This right, belongs to Lewis J.

[C]

Well, you're lying. You would have told me about your dookie day story.

[D]

The Reddit threads are going to go.

[C]

Wild with that one. I mean, Lewis is that girl and cheated. He put it together, dude.

[F]

You guys visualized me in the.

[B]

We did.

[C]

All right, Noel, can you once say it wasn't me? Instead of accepting full responsibility, he goes, I'm not going to answer that. Then you'll know it was me in the shit.

[B]

Yeah, I was Just playing at my friend Mike's house. There's not much more to the story. We were rolling around the leaves and punching them back up. I mean, it was like a full hour of, like, piling them back up. Be like, let's jump back. And we dive in, come up. And then literally, after a little, I was like, what is that smell, dude?

[C]

Must be my fucking gay ass friend, dude.

[B]

There was. There was shit everywhere. Like, I was literally on my face, on my head, on my back, on my clothes, everywhere. I threw out the clothes. I didn't even wash them.

[E]

Noel also celebrated. Like, she guessed correct.

[B]

It was crazy. Noelle has no idea what's going on right now.

[E]

I still have zero.

[C]

She's puzzled by the entire thing.

[B]

Alex, seven stories down, where are our points at? I just pulled that pretty fucking hard. Points.

[C]

God damn.

[G]

In last place with zero points, Noel Leon.

[C]

It could be a first. It could be a story. Wars first tonight.

[B]

I'm excited.

[D]

You're gonna win, and no one's gonna care. She's the story.

[B]

Maybe.

[C]

Damn right.

[F]

You can't be the best at something, be the worst.

[D]

Can't be the best at something, be a pretty girl.

[C]

It doesn't hurt.

[B]

Hurt?

[C]

It doesn't hurt.

[G]

Alex in fourth place with seven points, Mike Cannon. In third place with 10 points, Big J Okerson.

[C]

Don't touch me. I don't want to be touched by you.

[G]

In second place, with 16 points, Kevin Clancy.

[D]

You shifty Puerto Rican.

[G]

And now in the lead with 22 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Guys, you came on a good night. It is anybody's game. And by that, I mean Lewis or Kevin's game.

[B]

It couldn't possibly, possibly be anyone else's game.

[C]

And, Louis, at this point, I have to be semi rooting for you to keep in our library. Why, Gary? Why? A powerful true crime memoir by author Jody Plushet. The book recounts a devastating family story centered on a kidnapping from the author's childhood and the shocking act of violence that followed when his father, Gary Plushet, took justice into his own hands. His unflinching account explores the profound trauma of the event and the enduring quest for healing in the wake of unimaginable tragedy. That woman does not like the book.

[B]

We have one more story, final story of the night, folks. You guys ready for the final story? Come on. Come on, Alex. Story number eight.

[G]

Story number eight. I fell down a well. Like straight out of an episode of 1950s TV. I was stoked.

[B]

No.

[C]

How about straight out of the episode of Baby Jessica, who actually fell down a well? In the 1980s, this happened before.

[B]

Well, finish the story, Alex.

[G]

I fell down a well like, straight out of an episode of 1950s TV. I was stuck in a well.

[C]

All right, well, who here grew up on the frontier? I don't.

[D]

I've never seen a well. I don't know what a well is. Where'd you grow up?

[C]

A prairie. You're.

[E]

There are.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

There are no wells.

[C]

I grew up on a prairie. Yeah. West Philadelphia, the well capital of Pennsylvania.

[E]

There's a well outside of Yankee Stadium.

[C]

How do you do a well? Really? Like, what's the. You have to be blindfolded and walking.

[E]

Around and also thin enough to fit down said well.

[F]

Who has seen a well?

[C]

I've seen a well.

[B]

I've seen a well in, like, a movie.

[D]

I've seen the Ring.

[C]

So. No. Who's a girlfriend in high school?

[B]

Who.

[C]

Her house was. Her double wide trailer was on well water, which turned her blonde hair rusty orange. She had. She was hot, though. Besides that, though. Hot.

[B]

Where'd you grow up?

[F]

San Francisco.

[B]

San Francisco.

[F]

I moved to New York to lose the Valley girl accent.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Her name is Noel.

[C]

Her name is a pal.

[B]

There is no well.

[C]

Your name's a palindrome. Front to back, right? Noel. Leon. Leon Noel.

[F]

But I. It rhymes with Jay.

[B]

Stop trying to get her to like you. She thinks your name's Billy, dude. Hey, he knows your name frontwards and backwards. You don't even know his name.

[C]

You want to come over to Billy's house and see currently power malfunctioning wine refrigerator.

[B]

I mean, all right, something's wrong with him. You grew up in the Bronx?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Where are you from?

[B]

I grew up in Rockland County, New York.

[D]

Yeah, you do.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. There's a little, like, there are no.

[E]

Well in Havish draw.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

No wells in Havish draw. No. There's no running water in Habit.

[C]

Right. You have to use wells.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[C]

There's. Well, this is. This is.

[D]

Wait, there's no habit straws where he's from.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I feel like you guys did some, like, drinking in the woods type shit.

[B]

Yeah, that was. That was the place. Very suburban, very gone on, like, a vacation.

[D]

Where the wells. Where have I gone on vacation?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Where there's wells. I don't know.

[C]

Do you guys realize if we all vote for Noel, there's no chance she can get points? Unless it's not her. And she, for the first time tonight, guesses one of the other four people. It is. It could be the first zero ever.

[B]

I've been playing the game so she can get a zero.

[C]

I think it's Noel who falls in a fucking well. It's always a girl, girl, baby, baby Noel, Baby Noel. That's why she's well known in her town in San Francisco.

[F]

Famous, like, allegory of the guy. Like, some guy who went in a while. It's from, like, Noel. Yeah.

[D]

I like.

[B]

Is this your story?

[E]

I like Noel trying to figure out sentences.

[C]

Guys, whales are relative.

[D]

They just.

[F]

I'm actually a writer for a bunch of, like, things. But I. I believe it. Don't form sentences in real life. No.

[C]

Better on the written word. The written page.

[F]

The written page. My brain is 80 days.

[B]

This is how hot she is, though. She's never written a TV show. It's just some rich dude being like, yeah, babe, we're gonna put this on.

[C]

He just tells her she wrote something.

[B]

He goes, yeah.

[C]

He goes, babe, you just wrote the new season of Kirby enthusiasm. I did. I just texted you. You. I miss you. He's like, I know, babe. And I was able to turn that into 10 solid episodes.

[B]

Oh, my God. TV writer.

[C]

I'm a muse.

[B]

I'm getting Noel vibes on this.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

I feel like Noel could fall down a well.

[C]

Yeah, but the only human here who would fit down a well.

[B]

No, I mean, wells can get pretty big.

[F]

Wells can be pretty big.

[C]

Oh, sounds like you know a lot about wells.

[D]

That sounds like someone who knows wells. The size of wells.

[F]

Wells can have a.

[C]

She's like, I filled in a Fleischman model, which is actually more of a narrow barrel leading to a. A city reservoir.

[B]

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Bronx. The. The Bronx. You don't think of wells in the Bronx, but I don't know what's going on here. Kevin seems like he's got a little bit of a nervous energy right now.

[F]

He's fidgeting.

[B]

He's fidgeting a lot. He's fidgeting a lot. He's cutting off my theory right now. He's getting nervous that I'm going to start convincing everyone. So immediately he's trying to throw to somebody else.

[C]

If it was Kevin, I think it was three months ago. I think he's from the Bronx. He bought a house. He's confused about his whereabouts, and he fell in a well. He's like Batman. He has no idea. And ever since then, he's been possessed by the spirit of an underground on Puma.

[D]

This feels to me like a Rockland county. That seems very plausible. Rockland County. You guys were quick to be like, there's no wells in Rockland County.

[C]

There definitely are wells in Rockland County. It's the suburbs for sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah. There's well, it's probably.

[E]

Yeah, I guess in the woods.

[B]

Yeah. No, it wasn't have. But, you know, you got a Stony Point. You got a little Tompkins Cove.

[C]

Yeah, that might be a thing. You were from Havish Draw, and you came over to well land over in Rockland. And before you know, you're like, what is this thing? Can I go down it? And then you fell into it.

[E]

What is this, 1950s TV?

[C]

I'm not gonna fall in this thing. What is this, Andy of Mayberry?

[F]

Oh, yeah. Wait, who would say that straight out of an episode of a 1950s TV? Who would make that comparison?

[B]

A successful television writer.

[C]

For that.

[B]

Kevin or Noel? Kevin.

[C]

God damn it, Kevin. Just know if you do that, you're gonna give Noel a boring ass one point.

[D]

I am interested in that, but you need everyone to go along with that.

[C]

You're right.

[D]

The fact that we're not all aligning for a zero here is insane.

[B]

I have fucking integrity, dude. Kevin Clancy. That's my answer.

[C]

Fuck. I can't believe Louis. If you let Kevin Clancy take home my fart napkin. She said Kevin, which makes me believe she doesn't believe in that. For real, Alex, all the answers are.

[B]

In if it's me or Big J.

[G]

Final story story number eight belongs to Kevin.

[C]

No.

[B]

Well, Noel.

[C]

The.

[D]

The serendipity that it's Noel is unbelievable. She gets on the board with Noel the wire.

[B]

So what happened here? That's crazy.

[D]

Big J nailed it, man. A couple months ago, I bought my house and it fell.

[C]

I'm like, nailed it.

[D]

I don't know what was more on point. Mike's story, your story.

[C]

What is this thing? Should I go ass first down it, bro?

[B]

How'd you fall down the wall? How deep was the well?

[D]

It was like there was a piece of wood over it that I thought I could stand on, but it was all rotten.

[C]

Yeah, legit.

[D]

I stepped on it, went boom and fell through. The only thing that saved me was I hit like a. I guess like a two by four was kind of going across it. So I like, boom. Landed on that. Otherwise I would have probably.

[C]

I had a family that was living down there that was.

[D]

I would have been like 8ft underwater in a fucking well. And no, like, I would have been absolutely stuck. The only thing that saved me was landing on a two by four that just ripped my shit apart. But otherwise I was all by myself. I Would had to be in a well. Be like, help me.

[B]

He had a, he had a, a colleague that can go and get help. What is it, girl? What is it? Kevin's fall down the well.

[C]

Kevin's wife's like, I don't speak dog. What gives it? Food. I gave you food. You suck.

[F]

How long were you stuck in the wall?

[D]

No, I mean the, the wood that I landed on saved me. I was able to like kind of get out of it, but otherwise I would have really been by myself.

[C]

News cameras got there. We're on hour 42, baby. Kevin.

[D]

I, I, I was, Yeah, I was a 39 year old man stuck in a well. Unbelievable.

[C]

You know what? I'm happy though that you got some points at this point in a while. I'll tell you why. It would have really sucked for that woman to die an OD death foaming in the mouth in a yellow cab knowing that she missed the only zero points in the entire history of story wars. So I'm happy.

[F]

I haven't seen Silence of the Lambs, but there was a well in silence.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Noelle.

[F]

Did she get stuck in the Noel.

[C]

You'Re pretty and dippy enough. You'll see the inside of a well. Eventually you'll help a stranger move a couch. Inconceivably it.

[F]

And then I'll remember this episode of Story Words and scream if you walk.

[B]

By Kevin crawling out of the well. He looked like the ring.

[D]

She dies in seven days.

[C]

Seven days.

[B]

Days with that. That was our final canon.

[C]

You're going to have your contract in seven days. We're just tying up the loose ends. We just got to dot the eyes and cross the TE's.

[E]

Oh, it's, it's getting late. I have to get home to my son. Barstool.

[C]

Oh, God damn, dude, that sucks so much. Your son who has to share a room with his brother and you and your wife.

[B]

Alex, what is our final score looking like? What a great show. Fun Times. I think I know who won, but make it official.

[G]

All right. Our final score is. In last place with four points, Noel Leon. In fourth place with seven points, Mike Cannon.

[B]

Cannon hasn't scored a point since round two. That was crazy. Yeah, that was bad.

[E]

It was all worth it.

[G]

In third place with 10 points, Big J. Okerson. Second place, scored 20 points. And your winner with 26 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Oh, Alex, why don't you say Luis J. Gomez? Asterisk. Alex Scarlatto. Because you help him every week.

[G]

Because I would never.

[B]

She would never. She has integrity.

[G]

It's true.

[B]

She has integrity.

[C]

She has no integrity. She let Mike Harrington put come inside of it.

[B]

That is true.

[G]

He's a good guy.

[C]

He's a great guy.

[B]

He's a great guy.

[C]

He's a great guy. He's a good guy.

[B]

Great guy. Great father.

[C]

Alex. I don't have an argument against that good guy.

[B]

Well, that was it. I. I get to check.

[D]

Can I get the fart napkin as a consolation prize? Second place. Thank you, sir. Yeah.

[C]

Where's the fart?

[E]

That's a framer.

[D]

Absolutely.

[C]

That's lose where the time can go.

[D]

Can you write it on another one?

[C]

I'll sign it too.

[B]

Fart napkin is gone. But you know what? You guys are incredible guys. One more time for our entire panel of guest today. Noel Leong, Mike Cannon, Kevin Clancy. If you guys want to enjoy Story wars live, we are here every Wednesday night at the New York Comedy Club Gramercy, 7:45pm the ticket sell out every week, so make sure you get them in advance. I am Luis J. Gomez.

[C]

They would have made it to the methadone clinic if they made it to the end of the show.

[B]

He is the great J over Big J Okerson. Until next time, thank you, story warriors.

[C]

Good night.