061. Robert Kelly, Paul Virzi, Sean Donnelly | Sickness

Summary

Story Warz Episode 061: “Sickness”

With Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J. Gomez, Robert Kelly, Paul Virzi, and Sean Donnelly
October 3, 2025 | Live at New York Comedy Club

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Episode Overview

In this rowdy and hilarious episode of Story Warz, comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez host three powerhouse guests—Robert Kelly, Paul Virzi, and Sean Donnelly—for a game of deceptive and comedic storytelling. The theme is “Sickness,” but as always, the tales range from bodily humiliations to arrests, and more than a few scenes of questionable medical behavior. The object: fool each other about who submitted which (often insane) story, rack up points for successful deception, and claim the prestigious Story Warz book prize. The show features cutting banter, accusations, and plenty of personal overshares, all in front of a hyped live crowd.

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How the Game Works [05:51]

• Each comic (and both hosts) submits 3–5 stories tied to the episode theme (“Sickness”).
• Stories are read anonymously by producer Alexandra.
• Panelists try to convince others a given story isn’t theirs and guess whose it is.
• 1 point for each person you fool, 2 points for each correct guess.
• In the second half, double points are in play.

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Panel Introductions and Banter [03:08–06:38]

• Sean Donnelly (first-timer), Paul Virzi (first-timer), and Robert Kelly (returning champion) join the hosts.
• Hosts riff on wardrobe (“You all look like the same video game character but dressed differently.” — Luis, 05:26).
• Theme for the night: Sickness.

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Prizes and Stakes [07:57]

• Winner receives Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams.
• Bragging rights as a “Story Warrior.”
• Double Points round in second half raises the stakes further.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Theme & Crowd:
  “Get down with the sickness. This guy’s so excited about our topic. Because you’re a good audience member, you cocksucker.” — Luis, [06:11]

• Banter about diseases:
  “Also, by the way, it’s STI now. They took disease out. So this seems like an old thing as well.” — Jay, [11:55]

• Accusations & Psychology:
  “You don’t look like a dude that’s like, I’m putting your ass. You don’t look…” — Paul to Sean, [10:44]

• Multiple times the panel clowns on each other’s childhoods:
  “Lewis’s disease was not having a dad to play catch with.” — Sean, [40:23]

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Game Highlights: Key Stories and Revelations

Story 1: “A girl once told me she had an STD so I should only have anal sex with her. Turns out the STD lives in the butt too.”

Discussion:

• Fierce debate on whose style the punchline fits.
• Jay and Bobby both come under suspicion for “old-timey” STD talk.

Reveal:

• Big Jay Okerson (Story Warrior tactic—late switch by Paul nets him points).
• “Turns out, but I was in that moment, and I thought she was the doctor. She seemed to have it. So she goes, 'We should just do anal because I have Hep C.' And I was like, 'Word.'” — Big Jay, [17:51]

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Story 2: “As a child, I fell seriously ill with mononucleosis, but my mother dismissed my symptoms. I was secretly taken to the hospital by a family member where I spent a week under the care of a nurse who I still masturbate to occasionally.”

Discussion:

• Panel gets distracted accusing each other’s mothers and spelling “mononucleosis.”
• Everyone suspects Sean due to “novelistic” intro.

Reveal:

• Robert Kelly
• “She put my pants down and she started cleaning, very gently cleaning my…my penis and my balls and all that stuff.” — Robert Kelly, [26:08]
• Panel realizes Bobby was maybe “molested” rather than cared for:
  • “Dude, you were molested.” — Paul, [26:17]
  • Bobby: “Yeah, molested.” [26:18]

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Story 3: “I got arrested in a hospital parking lot while doing donuts in a blizzard.”

Discussion:

• Immediate suspicion falls on Paul for “chain-wearing Guinea” energy.
• Bobby: “What are you driving?” Paul: “A Lexus.” [31:53]

Reveal:

• Paul Virzi
• Tells wild story: after a drunken party, he stripped naked in a hospital waiting room, then got arrested outside while doing donuts in a blizzard with a friend.
• “When asked why Mr. Virzi is naked, his response: ‘My belt buckle came undone.’” — Paul, [34:54]

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Story 4: “When I was a young boy, I was told I had a disease that would keep me from ever playing sports at a high level.”

Discussion:

• Comics riff on the ‘disease’ being fatness or just lacking a father.
• The word “Osgood Schlatter” baffles everyone.

Reveal:

• Big Jay Okerson
• “It’s called Osgood-Schlatter’s disease.” — Jay, [43:46]
• Jay exploits it to get out of football: “So at the…to join the team I had the fake like, you know, lie and say that I had nothing…And then once I didn’t want to play…Doctor says I can’t play.” — Jay, [45:23]

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Halftime Standings [45:54]

• Lewis J. Gomez / Paul Virzi: 2 pts
• Sean Donnelly: 4 pts
• Robert Kelly: 5 pts
• Big Jay Okerson: 9 pts (huge lead)

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Second Half: Double Points, Even Wilder Stories

[52:17 onward: Double points begin]

Story 5: “One time I got arrested for drinking on the beach and had to spend all night in a cell with a guy who was arrested for pistol whipping the guy who his wife was cheating on him with.”

Discussion:

• Everyone suspects Sean, who accidentally reveals a “newbie” tell.
• “If the story was I went to the beach and I burst into dust, then it would be Sean.” — Jay, [56:12]

Reveal:

• Sean Donnelly
• “Ocean City, Maryland. We got arrested for drinking. And I was put in a cell with a guy…his wife was cheating on him…pistol whipped the guy in the street.” — Sean, [58:14]

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Story 6: “When I was in my early 20s, I got strep throat and didn’t see a doctor for over a month. I spread it to multiple people in my group of friends.”

Reveal:

• Luis J. Gomez
• “I had a girlfriend. I was cheating on my girlfriend. I made out with both of them, then I coughed in my other friend’s mouth. There were like eight people who got strep throat and they were wondering how it all happened, and it was just me.” — Luis, [66:36]

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Story 7: “When I was 16, I went to the doctor, and the nurse was so hot that I jerked off in the time between when she left and when the doctor came in.”

Discussion:

• Immediate uproar; panel accuses Bobby.
• “Sean is too Catholic for this.” — Jay, [71:20]
• Sean’s protestations (“It’s the first time I’ve said this ever!”) [76:38] confirm his innocence—so they think.

Reveal:

• Sean Donnelly
• “I was up and I jerked off. And the doctor came in about 15 seconds after I finished. …Into the garbage can.” — Sean, [76:31]

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Story 8: “One time in front of a lot of people, I called out, ‘I’m hitting that side mirror on that far away car with this snowball.’ Then I did it. Sickness.”

Discussion:

• Panel suspects Jay; wonders if the “sickness” signature is a clue.
• Bobby: “You know he went surfer ‘sickness.’ That’s Big Jay. He went another direction.” [84:05]

Reveal:

• Big Jay Okerson (clinch win)
• “I loaded up a snowball...I go, side mirror. Zinged it. I mean, far it went po and everyone… Sickness!” — Big Jay, [87:01]

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Final Standings [87:15]

• 1st Place: Big Jay Okerson, 23 pts — “His sixth win of all time.”
• 2nd: Sean Donnelly, 14 pts
• 3rd: Robert Kelly, 13 pts
• 4th: Paul Virzi, 10 pts
• Last: Luis J. Gomez, 8 pts

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Memorable Moments

• Repeated callbacks about Lewis’ absent father and poverty
• Jokes on Catholic guilt and Irish pallor.
• Bobby’s story about being “cared for” (maybe molested) by a childhood nurse—panel’s reactions go from horror to jokes in a split second: “I was molested…I didn’t even know it.” — Bobby, [26:41]
• Sean’s “secret” adolescent jerk-off during a doctor’s visit
• Paul Virzi’s epic blizzard/arrest/hospital story, evolving into both arrest and nudity
• Jay’s triumphant “sickness” snowball throw earns him the night’s title

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Recurring Gags and Running Commentary

• Accusations over whose story is whose drive much of the panel’s chemistry.
• Several rounds see accusations pivot, with groupthink leading to surprise upsets on answers.
• Second half “double points,” with the panel clowning on “story warriors” status.
• Repeated (and affectionate) mockery for panelist’s age, background, and attractiveness.

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Closing

Big Jay, finally, wins decisively. The night is full of new entries to the show’s hall of fame for wild, cringeworthy, and creative “sickness” stories—only some of which involve actual illness. Classic punchlines and heckling abound, the audience and comics alike clearly relishing the Story Warz blend of standup storytelling and competitive sneakiness.

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Recommended listens for fans of brutally honest, unfiltered comedy and those who love seeing comics roast each other while also exposing their deepest adolescent dumbassery.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [05:51] — Rules/How to Play
• [10:00] — Round 1 guesswork
• [17:51] — Hep C Anal Story Reveal (Jay)
• [26:08] — Molesting Nurse Story Reveal (Bobby)
• [34:54] — Paul’s Arrest/Naked Hospital/Donuts Story
• [45:54] — Halftime Standings
• [66:36] — Lewis Spreads Strep to Dozens
• [76:38] — Sean’s Doctor/Jerk-Off Confession
• [87:01] — Jay’s “Sickness” Snowball Triumph

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Notable Quotes

• “Turns out, the STD lives in the butt too.” — Big Jay Okerson, [16:24]
• “I was molested…I didn’t even know it.” — Robert Kelly, [26:41]
• “Lewis’s disease was not having a dad to play catch with.” — Sean Donnelly, [40:23]
• “You jerked off at the doctor? Into the garbage can? Who am I sitting next to?” — Panel, [76:36]
• “He’s got oshkosh B’gosh disease.” — Robert Kelly about Jay, [46:33]
• “I’ll let everybody on this panel kick me in the dick.” — Big Jay Okerson, [68:41]

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Original Comedy, TMI medicals, competitive trickery—classic Story Warz.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes. What's going on? Story warriors if you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[C]

Be a piece of just get your tickets and come. It's fun.

[B]

Buck face New York Comedy Club.com before we start today's show, let's thank Yo Kratom for supporting the show. Yo Kratom is home of the 60 kilo and genuinely great supporters of comedy. The marquee sponsors for Skank Fest and all things here at Gas Digital. They've been long time sponsors, longtime friends. So if you're already in the market for Kratom, get it from ycratom.com sixty.

[C]

Dollar kilos lab tested high quality to your door. Convenient, Lazy, awesome.

[B]

Lazy and awesome. Yokradem.com all right, let's start the show.

[D]

Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with.

[B]

The Story Warriors Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Coleman.

[C]

Oh what is up? Thank you guys for coming to Story wars at our brand new home, the New York Comedy Club. Make some noise in this place?

[B]

Hell yeah. Another sold out show here on a Wednesday night in New York City. If you're ever in the area, please drop by to the New York Comedy Club, midtown. I'm very excited about today's show, Jay.

[C]

We have a fantastic show. We always ask this of every crowd. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[B]

Okay, not as many as usual. Who is not familiar with Story Wars? What's going on here? Why would you. Why would you come?

[C]

Are some people undecided? I feel like that wasn't everybody. I don't know. I'm sort of familiar with it. Well, we will explain the game if you're a first timer shortly after we get our three other contestants up here on the stage. Our first contestant, you know him from the Burbs Bros. Podcast and he has a special fun to watch, available on YouTube. How about it for the hilarious Sean Donnelly.

[B]

Named Sean Donnelly. Sean. Sean Donnelly. Sean. Sean. Sean. Sean Donnelly. Sean. Sean. Sean. Sean Donnelly. Sean. Sean. Sean. Sean Donnelly.

[D]

Hello, everybody.

[C]

How are you?

[B]

Making a Story wars debut tonight. Sean Donnelly. Very excited.

[D]

Holy.

[B]

Never played the game before. Holy. The drummer from KORN just showed up. What's up, doggy? Okay, your next competitor on today's show, it's gonna be one of those nights, okay? You know him from his brand new special, Reasonable man, available right now on YouTube. Clap it up for the one and only Paul Ver.

[D]

What's up? What's up? What's up everybody? Tv what's up, guys?

[B]

What's up, Paul? Happy to have you. Another. Another first timer here.

[C]

Yes, two first timers in the show. Which means our third and final contestant is a returning story warrior. You know him from a special Kill box available on YouTube. You know him from you know what dude podcast, the regs. And of course my work husband at the bonfire makes noise for the great Robert Kelly in the house. Robert Kelly.

[B]

Robert Kelly.

[C]

Robert Kelly.

[B]

Robert Kelly. Robert Kelly.

[C]

Robert Kelly.

[B]

Now, Bobby, you have won Story wars in the past. You are defending your title tonight.

[E]

Double points.

[B]

You don't get to do it up top.

[E]

I'm just letting these guys know what's at stake. You understand?

[C]

I do, I do.

[B]

You guys.

[D]

No idea what that means, but they love it.

[B]

So you guys all look like the same video game character that I dress differently.

[C]

You're early in a Grand Theft Auto wardrobe.

[D]

Shouldn't be sitting next to each other.

[B]

We had them eat for an entire half a day.

[E]

It looks like the evolution of Sean transitioning. I'm the. Okay.

[D]

It was very woke of You.

[B]

Thanks.

[E]

What's up?

[B]

Your drinks.

[C]

Oh, what's up? Yes, my drinks. I'm gonna need it. This crowd feels a little tight, but they'll get it. Everybody, if you are not familiar with the game Story wars in the room or it's your first time listening at home. It's a very, very simple game. Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Lewis.

[B]

Sickness. Get down with the sickness. This guy's so excited about our topic. Because you're a good audience member, you cocksucker.

[C]

Yeah. He goes, why are we getting. Why are we laughing? Having a good time. Let's get out of here.

[D]

It's because he looks like a doctor from the wild west.

[E]

I deserve more.

[C]

They're gonna look. They loosen. Bobby.

[B]

They're warming up.

[C]

Takes a second. Don't worry. This crowd's gonna be fantast. I know it.

[B]

We have also these two women in the corner are. They're mourning the death of Charlie Kirk right now.

[C]

Hey, girls, sorry.

[B]

These Republican in the corner are really do like. We'll edit that out from the YouTube one.

[C]

I bet both of those ladies have a bikini. That's the American flag. 1,000% good for them. And the one nodded and the other one thought if she threw hers away yet. All of us have submitted three to five stories in the subject sickness. Our lovely producer Alexandra is going to be reading those off one at a time. Eight of those stories in no particular order at all. And if it's your story, it is your job to fool everybody that it is not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[B]

And for every person you fool, you get one point. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. It sounds more confusing than it is. You guys will get it.

[C]

That's mostly my fault.

[B]

Jay was very confused himself. Once you write the name of your guest on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand. That's it. That's your final answer. You can't change it. And I'll tell you right now, guys, Story wars is fun. We always play for fun. But that's not all we're playing for. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[C]

Every week here at Story wars, we are playing for a book from the Story wars library. Today.

[B]

A great honor.

[C]

Today's winner goes home with Queenie by Candace Carty Williams, creator of Sex and the City. It's a story that follows Queenie Jenkins, a 25 year old Jamaican British.

[D]

I gotta go to my car real quick. Fuck. Little cash.

[C]

A 25 year old Jamaican British woman in London who finds herself straddling between two cultures. She works at a national newspaper where her voice is often dismissed as she compares herself to her white middle class peers. All the while, Queenie is navigating painful breakups with her long term boyfriend in this must read novel about womanhood, sex and the friendships that get us all through. Queenie by Candace Carney Williams.

[D]

Half this crowd just became pro burning books.

[E]

I actually already have this book, but I'd love another.

[C]

You have the book on tape.

[D]

You write Queenie fan fiction.

[C]

I think everybody understands. At least if they're going to, they've already got it. If they don't, they'll get it. Without any further ado, Alex, are we ready for war? I forgot to ask the crowd if they're ready for war.

[B]

Okay. We should have moved on. You're off today. You're off today. And I'm not trying to point it out.

[C]

You just did though.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

Can you ask them if they're ready for war?

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war? Are you ready for war?

[C]

Yeah, that's good. Oh. Oh, the thing was great. Oh, you're picking up the slack. Hand turkey.

[B]

Hand turkey.

[C]

Alex. Story number one.

[F]

Story number one. A girl once told me she had an STD so I should only have anal sex with her. Turns out the STD lives in the butt too.

[B]

That was poetic.

[C]

But I gotta tell you something weird. Versi just looked through my soul, through my eyes. That was crazy. I looked over the table first he went. He almost gave me like a. I know it's you, but I won't say it.

[D]

No, it's between two. I know who it is. It's between two, but I know who it is.

[B]

So what do you think?

[D]

It's Jay or Bobby. Why me?

[E]

I've been married for 20 years.

[D]

A piece of. No, but you're into anal.

[E]

I think on me, not with women. I like it on me and I don't have herpes in my ass.

[C]

STDs were an though back when you were doing this stuff.

[D]

The way she's right there, I feel.

[B]

Like in modern day society these STDs do not live in. Bobby is 71 years old.

[E]

That's why that joke worked with me.

[D]

Old timey std. And by the way, no offense to you, I'm not saying that you just don't think I get lame. But you know you don't look like a. You don't look like a dude. That's like I'm putting your ass. You don't look. Why could I look super Catholic?

[C]

I'm not gonna let him bully you like that, dude. I think you butt plenty, bro. I bet you butt so much machine. Yeah, dude.

[B]

Sean Donnelly looks like he has scurvy.

[D]

And I call it.

[B]

But thanks, guys.

[E]

I know it's not versy because Versi pukes if there's like an ingrown pube hair on his vagina.

[C]

Well, no one loves that.

[B]

I actually, I think Versi. Versi is right. I think it's either Bobby or Big J.

[E]

We know it's you.

[C]

Says Lewis, who it probably is.

[B]

No, I give the STDs. I don't get them. That's true.

[D]

That is work that way.

[C]

Well, you had to get it from somewhere. And it sounds like it might have been this girl.

[D]

This. The way the story is written, it makes it sound like it's a Keebler elf. Just like he lives in the butt too. Somewhere in the forest there's a magical std.

[E]

It's not Lewis because they he used std. And Lewis doesn't use acronyms. He would say, you know, herpes or aids.

[C]

Also, by the way, it's STI now. They took disease out. So this seems like an old thing as well.

[D]

It is Bobby.

[B]

Is it I now? No, I thought an SCI and STD were different things.

[C]

Ah, dude.

[B]

Yeah, they just changed like a DWI and a dui.

[C]

No, it's better than marketing. Well, it's better marketing because infection sounds like you can cure it and disease sounds like you got it forever.

[D]

Now it's definitely Lewis. Look, lives at the terminology.

[B]

Lives in the butt is the language that's making me think that this is Big J. It's a Bobby type story, but it's Big J wording on this story.

[D]

Lewis is talking way too much. It might be him.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Lives in the butt.

[D]

Is.

[B]

Is.

[E]

And first of all, Jay and versy. Germaphobes.

[B]

I mean, no, no homophobes.

[E]

Oh, that's right. You're right. I apologize.

[C]

They hate. But I think gay people are germs.

[E]

No, both of them are home. They're. They're germaphobes. They hate. They hate poop and anything. And they take nine showers.

[C]

You think not liking. You think not liking foreign poop.

[D]

I love poop. Who likes to go, let's get anal but make it shitty? Who does that.

[E]

I'm just saying if you do anal, shit's gonna get. That's where comes.

[B]

Once your dick is hard and a girl says put it in my ass. You just do it.

[E]

Okay?

[D]

And then you know, you got questions.

[E]

Where'd you eat out?

[D]

When did you. Yes, you do.

[E]

Then you.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, you got questions. Do you have a bidet?

[B]

What's going on?

[E]

And then when you're done, Lewis, I'm with you. Then you pinch the poop out of your helmet like a play DOH thing, right?

[C]

I think if the girl tells you to.

[D]

It's Bobby. It's Bobby. Can I write? When can I write?

[B]

All right, I'm gonna. I'm gon get the vote going. I think I agree with Versy on this. I think it's Big J language. The Bobby story. Std. It's an old old timey term.

[C]

You know, you made up the big J language thing.

[B]

Big J's language. We all agree with it. Everyone here is in agreeance on this. The great Bobby Kelly story warrior, my brother. That's my vote.

[D]

I'm changing it. I got mine.

[B]

You son of a.

[D]

You're slick. You're slick. You controlled that whole conversation.

[B]

Paul Versi votes for big J. For the audio listeners at home, Bobby Kelly holding onto his pen, chewing his.

[C]

Whenever someone votes for you and it's not you, you just want to vote for them. It's like an internal anger. You're like, well, I don't think it is Paul, but.

[B]

Bobby, what are you waiting for?

[C]

I think. Why are you waiting for me? I was gonna vote, by the way. I'm starting to write Lewis. And now you're waiting for me. Makes me think it's you.

[E]

Maybe that's as a story warrior. That's how I roll.

[B]

It's a technique.

[E]

It's my technique.

[D]

This is like the grossest Price is Right rules.

[E]

It's not me. It's not me. You would have known if I had some type of shit.

[D]

What? Well, here's the thing, the interesting part. Can I say something really quickly? They don't say that they in the story. Not yet. Whatever. So that's interesting. I'm not. Am I allowed to say that?

[C]

You're right.

[D]

You know what I mean.

[C]

Both of these.

[D]

The lady just. That just turned into a Sherlock Holmes analysis.

[C]

You.

[B]

No, Jay, it's not me. Don't waste your vote. You know I want you to win this book, Jay. You wouldn't sell it often.

[D]

Just one more thing. He didn't technically put it in her ass.

[C]

Bobby, if you hurt me. If you hurt me, I'm gonna be hurt.

[E]

I'm gonna tell you right now. I know who it is. And it's because of the wording. It's. It's written.

[B]

I just.

[E]

Well, it's written well, like a joke. It's really. Like, if you look at it, turns out the STD lives in the butt too. Like a. Like a Tonight Show. Like a perfect joke.

[B]

Sean Donnelly.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Nobody saw that coming.

[C]

By the way, all those compliments. I thought you were talking about me. I was like, that's what I thought.

[E]

Jay.

[C]

It'S a joke. Perfection on the page. It made everyone here laugh. It could only be one person.

[D]

First time anybody's ever said that.

[B]

Ever.

[E]

John.

[C]

Jay, you should have looked at me the whole time you were saying it.

[E]

You should have known when I said written.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I don't write things.

[B]

Alex. All of our answers are in.

[F]

All right. Story number one belongs to Big J. O.

[D]

Yes. I did it last minute. I changed it because. No, I saw his eyes. I saw his eyes. Wow.

[B]

I told you. Yes, the STD lives in the butt too. That's something he would say.

[D]

Double points now that you say it. I don't know when I should say it.

[C]

I was.

[D]

Good job.

[C]

I gotta be honest, I was worried it was gonna be so hilarious it would give it away, but it was, in fact, me.

[E]

Jay, I apologize. You're a good writer.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Jay, did you fuck this girl in the butt? Anyway?

[C]

Yes, but not here's. Now, take the word anyway is not the right.

[B]

No, I understand.

[C]

You know, you. Now, when I tell it to. You'll remember the person.

[B]

My sister.

[C]

No, it was a. It was a. It was a comedy club booker's niece.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, we used to call her. Her nickname was hpv. Pepsi.

[C]

No, Hep C. O. Hep C. Right. Pepsi. Absolutely.

[B]

And then.

[C]

So when I hooked up with her.

[E]

She'S the girl with a nickname.

[C]

Hep C. No, we nicknamed her when we found out.

[E]

I thought you knew it beforehand.

[B]

Oh, it was hep C. It was. Oh, it was hep C in the butt.

[E]

Hey, I got a blow job from aids.

[D]

First of all.

[B]

Hey, you can get hep C. You can get hep C easier in the butt. AIDS and all those things.

[C]

Turns out. But I was in that moment, and I thought she was the doctor. She seemed to have it. So she goes, we should just do anal because I have hep C. And I was like, word.

[D]

What?

[C]

And then. So I did that. And then I went home on my iPhone one and looked it up. And. And it's in there, too. It's in the butt. Also, I don't have it. I luckily do not have it.

[E]

That's when you had to type it. You couldn't even go, hey, Siri.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

I love that you don't have.

[D]

Instead of leaving. Happening 2000 left.

[C]

Yeah. But anyway, it is. It does it. It is in the butt, though, so everyone put that down.

[B]

All right. Sick. Alex, where are points? Had after one. Dick sickness.

[F]

All right, on the scoreboard, in second place, with two points, Paul Verze.

[D]

Yes. Wait, why am I in second place? Yeah, why am I in second place?

[F]

And in the lead with three points, Big J Okerson.

[D]

Oh, because he tricked X amount of people.

[B]

Early lead for Big J. Early lead for Big J. Okay, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Chubbies for supporting today's show. We love chubbies. You guys heard us talking about them all summer. All of my bathing suits and summer shorts were chubbies. I was showing off these juicy thighs. And I'll tell you right now, the Chubby's fall collection just dropped, and it's full of comfortable pieces that look amazing. And Chubbies are not just shorts anymore.

[C]

Oh, they got to send me these joggers because they look dope. And I'm a joggers guy now. I've hit joggers age. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Remember when you gave me for wearing joggers before? I was wearing joggers before. Anyone in the crew never wears joggers.

[C]

You were doing it as a little young, though, if I got to be honest with you. You're in premature joggers, but they were joggers nonetheless.

[B]

Look, they're perfect for anything you're doing in life, whether you're just trying to lounge about, look good by. By going out and hanging out with friends, doing comedy shows or podcasts. They got it all. They still have their shorts and swimwear that you'll know and love. Just check it out. Right now, just go to chubby's shorts.com chubby shorts.com and use the promo code wars w a r Z. Whether you're layering up for a tailgate, lounging through lazy Sundays, or just leaning into full comfort, Chubby's has you literally covered Chubbyshorts.com that promo code WARZ for $10 off your order today. All right, where were we? Alex, Story number two.

[F]

Story number two. As a child, I fell seriously ill with mononucleosis, but my mother dismissed my Symptoms. I was secretly taken to the hospital by a family member where I spent a week under the care of a nurse who I still masturbate to occasionally.

[C]

It's definitely. It's Bobby or Louis.

[D]

No. Also it's Sean.

[E]

Neither one of us. Neither one of us can spell mononucleosis.

[C]

I know. And Lewis knows that. And that's what. That's what that was Lewis throwing us off the path. He looked up how to spell mononucleosis.

[D]

I definitely played this board. Noragon trail. I'm pretty sure the beginnings.

[C]

No, that was dysentery.

[D]

The beginning starts too much like a novel. As a child, I fell seriously ill. That's Sean. Look at his beard. That's Sean. I'm writing my ship captain memoirs.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Lewis's mother was a fucking junkie prostitute. Those just facts.

[D]

Jesus.

[C]

And that was your mother?

[B]

Was the local town Philly whore?

[C]

Just my mom. Cops to keep a single mother household safe.

[B]

We're not gonna do this. We're not gonna do this. Hands are. Let's stop attacking each other's moms. We do this every week.

[C]

But anyway, your mother would ignore your mono and then you would masturbate still to a nurse from your childhood.

[B]

All of that is above board.

[C]

Not arguing. I'm just saying.

[B]

I just want to spell my name wrong.

[D]

I think I know who I think. I think it's Bobby because I think it's nostalgic. And he's the oldest.

[B]

Is. But his mono. Like an old. Is an old timey thing. I think mono was when I was a kid. You would hear about mono.

[D]

No, mano. You can get it out. It's like the kissing disease. But to know you have a story about mono. You're probably past the age of 40. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Does anybody notice mono Live in the butt. Don't be able to be a doctor in the house.

[B]

Paul, how old are you?

[D]

Yes, I'm 46.

[B]

46. Yeah. We're all on the same range. Except for Bobby. Because you're a lot older.

[E]

Your mother was a.

[C]

Junkie prostitute. Just facts.

[D]

Sean did. He wrote too early. He's got all the signs. I thought he was writing. He's got all the signs.

[B]

Sean, look at me. Your.

[D]

Your.

[B]

Your glasses are fogging up like you're nervous.

[D]

That's called diabetes. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

As a child I fell asleep with mononucleosis. Now he's doubling down. Now he's doubling down. Everybody.

[C]

Yeah. Damn. And I'm starting to tell things.

[B]

Yeah, but let's. If we all vote Sean then if it's not Sean, somebody's getting way ahead for sure.

[D]

I love how the crowd's guessing.

[E]

They're trying to fucking get us. That's a trick. I'll see it in the mic. You're tricking us now.

[C]

I think it's Bobby.

[D]

Oh, shit.

[B]

Just. This is because the theme is sickness. Is anyone else feeling like a cell phone is vibrating right now? Because I've been feeling this for about three days. It feels like there's a cell phone in my pocket, and it's not. And it keeps on happening anytime I'm sitting.

[C]

You think for three days we all have felt the and then somehow ended up in this room series.

[D]

Dude.

[C]

That's a Netflix series worthy story.

[B]

Is that some sort of disease? What is happening?

[E]

It's called. It's called dumb.

[B]

It's mononucleosis.

[D]

I think I'm changing again.

[B]

Let's see.

[E]

Why you. Why are your glasses fogging up?

[B]

They're foxing up because you're nervous.

[D]

Dude, he's got a hat on.

[C]

I'm gonna see if Sean. I'm gonna see if Sean's tells or real tells or if there's just crazy things happening to him physiologically.

[B]

Him sweating. He's giggling like a lunatic. He's trying to vote Bobby really early. God damn it. I know. It's Sean. Story two.

[D]

Oh, dude.

[B]

I voted Sean Donnelly.

[D]

I'm changing.

[B]

I'm going though. Robert Kelly votes for Louis.

[E]

Jake Omas you're talking to.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Is that Louis plus Gomez.

[E]

Lu J. Gomez.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, you idiots.

[C]

Oh, wow. Oh, it is you.

[B]

Nope. Fools.

[C]

I didn't vote for you.

[D]

Better not be Sean. I'll be so pissed.

[E]

It's you, Alex. It's you.

[B]

All of our answers are in.

[D]

Come on.

[F]

Story number two belongs to Robert Kelly.

[B]

No.

[D]

Number one.

[B]

Number one.

[C]

You all right?

[D]

You wrote it like. Like that, you dick.

[C]

Real quick, real quick. Turns out Sean's glasses. Precipitation, guys.

[E]

Real quick. Double points.

[D]

You wrote it. You wrote it like that?

[E]

Of course I did. I don't know how to spell.

[D]

We do a podcast.

[E]

I'd ask dawn, then look it up again.

[B]

Chat.

[D]

GPT wrote that stuff.

[B]

So. So tell us about this nurse, Bobby.

[E]

She was my aunt's friend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was hot too. She came in and I was. I was. I almost died. And I was in bed, and I couldn't shower or do anything. I was so weak. And I remember she came in, she goes, hey, I'm just gonna give you a bath. And I was like, I thought I had to get up, and all of a sudden, she just.

[B]

How old were you?

[E]

Oh, God.

[B]

Young.

[D]

What?

[E]

So young. I mean, why did you.

[D]

Oh, God. Like that before you said that?

[E]

Because when I jerk off.

[D]

O God. I was eight, I think. I.

[E]

It was.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

I was a toddler.

[C]

I remember a woman's veiny hand grazing over your bald bird.

[E]

She was more close to a candy striper than a nurse. She wasn't that old.

[B]

She was why Bobby liked her. The word candy was in it.

[E]

She. I remember she pulled me.

[C]

Stop touching my dick. Stop washing my dick and give me candy.

[E]

I. She put my pants down and she started cleaning, very gently cleaning my. My penis and my balls and all that stuff.

[D]

Dude, you were molested.

[E]

Yeah, Molested.

[D]

That's not.

[E]

That's why it's so.

[D]

She gently started. No, you were. There was a pedophile in your home. He's like.

[C]

You had mono. You don't need somebody to wash your dick for you.

[D]

I'm tired.

[C]

Doesn't it just make you as sleepy?

[D]

God. God, I feel weak. Yeah. Let me see your.

[E]

I was molested.

[D]

I didn't even know it.

[C]

The. With mono require someone to wash your little child for you.

[B]

She.

[D]

There was. There was a trial. She went away.

[C]

Boston's up.

[D]

Boston's up.

[B]

That is crazy.

[D]

That's regular for Boston.

[E]

No, because I couldn't. I was. I was so weak, I couldn't get out.

[D]

What was this hospital on esp? Epstein Island.

[E]

I couldn't get out of the bed. It was medical. It was a medical. She had gloves on. I had chicken.

[D]

That sound awesome.

[C]

I think I need you to wash my penis, madam.

[E]

So hot. Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna jerk off to the story later.

[C]

So you say to my voice memos. Slow.

[B]

Alex, two stories down, where are our points at?

[F]

All right. On the scoreboard, in third place, tied with two points each, Sean Donnelly and Paul Verze.

[D]

All right.

[F]

And in the lead, tied with three points each, Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[C]

On fire.

[B]

Crackle, crackle.

[E]

What are you guys doing?

[C]

Ketamine, ghb.

[E]

Are you guys sharing Afrin? You queers.

[C]

No, it's not that. We're gonna do gay stuff with Ketam Date raping each other.

[B]

All right, I am losing right now.

[C]

What's up, story warriors? Let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors. And that, of course, Turtle Beach. What do you call it? Electronics. They're all things gaming, really.

[B]

Headphones, gaming hardware.

[C]

Gaming hardware. That's a good thing. But their star attraction, of course, is that gen 3 stealth 700 headset that has the battery lasts for 80 hours. You know, I gave these. I've talked about it a bunch. I gave these out out Christmas presents to my brother in laws who are both gamers. They love them, still use them. You got them?

[B]

I got them right here in my hand. Look at this. I'm not kidding, dude. Really great. They sound incredible. Both. Not even just your ears. The microphones on them sound incredible because I bring these on the road with me when I do the podcast. On the road. This is exactly what I use. Genuinely incredible. Incredible product. The Self 700 features the industry's first ever crossplay dual wireless transmitter system means that you could switch from your console to your PC and multitask like a pro. You go back and forth. Nobody else has that. That. They also have a bunch of other incredible gear. Turtle beach has been in the game for a very, very long time. So go check them [e-mail] and use the promo code Wars Warz for 10 off your entire order today. Once again, that's 10 off your [e-mail] use that promo code wars to let them know that we sent you.

[C]

All right, rc, where were we?

[B]

All right, Alex, Story number three.

[F]

Story number three. I got arrested in a hospital parking lot while doing donuts in a blizzard.

[E]

A lot of these.

[B]

If it's not eating donuts in a blizzard, it'd be Bobby.

[D]

I think it's that candy striper after she molested Bobby. It sounds like Sean too.

[B]

Now donuts. Paul, look, I'm looking at your triple gold chains. You did donuts when you were younger. This is a Italian.

[C]

It does seem like a gold chain king type of crime.

[D]

Westchester Fast and the Furious.

[E]

Guinea Greek move right there.

[D]

What?

[B]

In a Honda 97 Honda Civil.

[D]

Donuts in the snow did that? We didn't have cars.

[E]

We were poor, you piece of.

[C]

Yeah, you and your friend Giancarlo in your tight jeans.

[E]

Your Z Cavaricci on your way to.

[B]

The the San Geneiro festival. You dick.

[D]

This story has Drakar Noir all over.

[C]

Let's get some Zeppelin. Go. My cousin's fat friend.

[E]

Let's put my T tops in the trunk and do some donuts.

[D]

I know it's Sean.

[B]

Now you spray. You sprayed some jupe on your neck like a jerk off and did donuts in your Honda Civic.

[D]

No.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

No.

[E]

Or is he looking at me?

[D]

What? It's you.

[E]

It's you. It's you because you have confidence. Bugs.

[D]

Oh, shut up.

[E]

You Turned your who body.

[D]

You said look at you. Yeah, but man does what? Wait, what? I don't know.

[C]

When you tell someone to look at you, a man looks at you.

[E]

You know why?

[D]

It's him who's the most quiet right now. It's Sean.

[E]

I'm telling you right now. It's Versy C. He hasn't written his down.

[C]

He.

[E]

You haven't even made a guess, cuz.

[D]

You just called me a chain wearing guinea. I got a defend myself.

[E]

Don't forget. Don't forget.

[B]

Great.

[D]

Put the mic down. After you call me a Paul.

[C]

You're Italian. You're wearing two chains. There's no defense against being a chain chain wearing guinea.

[D]

You know what? I'm proud of the two chains and I'm proud of being a guinea. A guinea Greek, which they almost never are.

[B]

Yeah, the. I mean, I'm trying. I'm. I want to. I want to stretch this round out a little bit, but there's just no other answer here.

[E]

Sean. Sean, do you have a car now?

[D]

I do not.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

It's Paul and the. The Irish. Irish don't do nothing.

[E]

What are you driving?

[B]

Drive.

[E]

What do you drive?

[D]

I drive. Alexis.

[E]

There you go. It's Paul.

[C]

Oh, dude. It's almost November to remember over at Lexus.

[B]

Got arrested though. Got arrested is a very Puerto Rican thing, so maybe it could be me.

[E]

You didn't have a car until four months ago.

[D]

I think it's Sean because Sean doesn't seem like a guy that would get arrested, but if he did, it would be for something like that.

[E]

So write it down.

[D]

I'm gonna.

[E]

Why don't you write your name down?

[D]

The Irish don't do donuts. We just fight our cousins.

[C]

Yeah, they get it out the old fashioned way with gypsy fights. Yeah. Dude. Nice car, nice rims.

[B]

Paul Hersey. And that's his car. Everyone voted for Paul except for Paul. This is such a.

[D]

You guys are. You guys are.

[E]

You can hear.

[D]

Hear all these. You can hear his voice.

[E]

I got arrested in the hospital parking lot while I was doing donuts in a blizzard.

[D]

Yankees, guys.

[C]

Five.

[D]

Oh, this story. Snowball was on the way here.

[B]

This had a PBA card that night. You piece of. I know you did. You. You knew somebody who knew your cousin.

[D]

My cousin is my cousin.

[C]

Greg's on the job.

[B]

Alex, whose story was story number three.

[D]

Three.

[F]

Story number three belongs to Paul.

[D]

I knew I should have tucked these in. I should have tucked these in before this started.

[B]

How. How old were you, Paul?

[D]

So I was. I was in college. I Got arrested for. Actually, I. I thought the story was going to be different. I got naked in the emergency room.

[E]

Waiting room, and I was molested.

[D]

No, I got so. So. So my buddy. We were at a party, and my buddy broke his finger, and I was trying to just stay at the party and hook up, and he just goes, you better come with me. And I was all fucked up and blacking out in this blizzard. And we got there, and I got naked in the waiting room while he was getting fixed.

[E]

And I.

[D]

Because I got mad. I got. I got mad. I was.

[E]

You get mad and you're naked.

[D]

Oh, you know when you're drunk mad?

[E]

That's the Greek part of you, right?

[D]

You know when you're mad at drunk. And I was just like, I can't believe I left this fucking party. Broke his. And I just started pissing all over the. Pulled my dick out of. Started pissing all over the place, got naked.

[B]

Well, you didn't get arrested for the donuts, you lunatic. You thought it was the donuts? It was these sexually assaulted waiting room.

[D]

I grabbed. I tried dancing with the nurse naked. And then. Yeah, yes, I got a fucking hair job.

[E]

And you're fully naked in the lobby.

[D]

Yes. And then my buddy said, you better grab your. Like the nurses start freaking out. Grab your clothes. I got dressed. We went in the parking lot. We're sitting. Sitting there. And he goes, dude, you want to do donuts? And I go, yeah. And we started spinning around, and all of a sudden we just hear, cops, lights. Cop gets out. He goes, which one of you. I swear to God, he goes, which one of you pieces of got naked in that hospital? I was so up that I go, somebody did that, man.

[B]

That's up.

[E]

And you were still naked.

[D]

And he goes, I bet you. He goes, I bet you it was you. Go to court. True story. Go to court. Courtroom is packed. The judge calls me up. Little Falls, New York. I went to a junior college up there. And he goes, all right, Mr. Versey, I understand you got naked. It says you got naked here in emergency room. When asked why Mr. Versey is naked, his response? My belt buckle came undone and the fucking bailiff was a big trooper. And he just goes. And the judge goes, if I see you in this town again, I'm gonna throw you in jail for 30 days. So that's the story off. But yeah. And then we got off.

[B]

Nice. Hell yeah. Paul Bery. Great story. There was so much more.

[D]

There was so. I know. Much more to that story. Like, when it came up, I'm like they're leaving a lot out.

[B]

All right, Alex, we got three stories down. Where are our points at? Paul earned nothing.

[F]

All right. In fourth place, there's a tie with two points each between Lewis J. Gomez and Paul Verzy. Up in third place with four points, Sean Donnelly.

[D]

You're killing it.

[F]

And tied for the lead with five points each. Big J. Okerson and Robert Car.

[D]

Still early, Lewis. Still early.

[C]

Hey, Story warriors, let's take a second and talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story wars. And that is Prize Picks. Prize Picks is America's number one favorite daily fantasy sports app. Very, very simple. You pick two to six players across any sport. You're simply going more or less on their projected stats. It's that simple. It's just a shot. More or less. Any sport, a bunch of different kind of stats you could be going for. It could be touchdown passes, receiving yards, rbis. Rbis. Yes, Louis, you are getting it for real. That was good. I like that. Very, very simple. And also, they don't play around with money at all either. They have very, very fast, safe, secure transactions. They have venmo, Apple Pay, MasterCard, and more for quick and easy deposits into your account. All you got to do is download the Prize Picks app today and use Code Wars W A R z to get $50 in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code W A R Z to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first five dollar lineup. It's price Picks. It's good to be right, right, Alex?

[B]

Story number four.

[F]

Story number four. When I was a young boy, I was told I had a disease that would keep me from ever playing sports at a high level.

[D]

Well, there's no Jews on the panel.

[B]

Jesus. Jesus Christ.

[E]

Jay did everything he could to not look like a Jew.

[D]

Put his hand up slowly.

[C]

I'm. I'm Jewish.

[E]

Relax.

[B]

When everyone on this panel was young boy, we were told we were too fat. That we would to ever play sports.

[C]

That's not a disease. It's a choice. Like gay.

[D]

Yeah. All right.

[B]

This is.

[C]

This crowd takes it all in. Very literal.

[D]

Dude, this is so this is definitely between two.

[E]

It's got to be Sean because he's Irish.

[D]

It's Sean or Lewis.

[E]

It's Lewis.

[C]

Lewis never played sports.

[D]

Yeah, Lewis disease.

[B]

I played every sport, and Lewis was never a boy. I played every sport for exactly one.

[C]

Season until you were told that you have a disease. I have no sports disease. Right in my athleticist bone.

[B]

I will say that I do have Very wide base. Flat feet does not work well with clothes. Is that a disease? I don't know. I don't.

[C]

Well, if you wrote the story, you would have called it that.

[D]

I guess I love the finesse that you really make everybody go back and forth because you're just saying. I was like, oh, it's you. You could have been told this and then played sports afterwards.

[B]

Look, this was not me. I was not. A big sports guy at a high level is sort of the thing that tells you that it's not me. Jay is such a lunatic that he believes that he could play sports at a high level. To this day, he believes if he believed hard enough, he can go and be a quarterback in the NFL.

[C]

I don't know about that, day one, but I tell you, day one, but it's more. What you're talking about is much more of like, if I believed that I could run and walk up this wall and backflip it, I could do it, but I don't believe that I can. So when I try, I'll eat shit because I'm going to stop doing. But if I was just like, I'm going to do it, it, I could do it. But I don't.

[D]

I think it's Bobby, and I'll tell you why. It's written like the other one. When I was a young boy.

[C]

When I was a young boy, a wee lad. A wee lad back in the old country of stupid Boston, back on the shores of Boston.

[B]

I mean, Bobby.

[C]

I remember the steak and trees truck would come in.

[D]

It's Lewis or Sean, 100%. I'd put money on it.

[B]

Bobby is 5 foot 4. He was never playing sports on a high level.

[C]

That might be the disease.

[B]

Bobby is a giant midget.

[C]

That might be his disease that kept him that. That high fight and not able to.

[D]

Have a. I would have known. You don't have a disease. You never.

[E]

You don't know if I don't have it, I have a disease. What? Don't tell me I don't get diseases.

[D]

Are you that nuts that you want to have a disease? Now for this argument.

[E]

I don't like you telling me I don't have diseases.

[D]

Lewis's disease was not having a dad to play catch with. Jesus, what the.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Why do I get. Everybody else is so much.

[C]

Oh, come on, Sean.

[E]

Guys, guys, guys.

[C]

There's got to be a line. There has to be a line. Sean, there's got to be a line.

[D]

He just. He had.

[E]

Sean, come on, man.

[D]

Dude, Sean had that locked and loaded. 15 years about this kid.

[E]

He just got murdered.

[C]

Oh, Bobby some taste.

[E]

I'm sorry. He. He did have a dad and then he got killed.

[C]

Oh, damn. He's right.

[E]

He didn't get killed. We wouldn't have him today. We'd have some fucking weird, healthy, good version of a Louis Imagine.

[C]

If he didn't have high level sports disease, we would have lost him to the pros.

[B]

Who's that? We're four stories in. Who's had stories so far it's been Big J. It's been Versie and Bobby. So far I've had stories. Now that doesn't mean anything. It could be two stories in a row. It's all randomly generated.

[D]

You can look.

[C]

Sean, this would have come up.

[B]

This seems like. This also seems like it could be like an Irish thing. There's an Irish confidence that they have.

[C]

That you'll never play rugby.

[B]

You'll never be a professional bowler.

[E]

Yeah. Sean. Sean, did you play sports as a kid?

[D]

I like little League and stuff like that.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Like not. I wouldn't call it a high. And then you got the bad news. And then you got the bad news.

[C]

Until you found Sean. You have stage four tennis elbow.

[E]

Sean, do you play sports now and where you're at now?

[D]

I'll give you three guesses.

[E]

No, no, and no.

[B]

I'm voting for Sean Donnelly. And I still feel the vibrating in my legs.

[D]

That's the disease.

[C]

I'm gonna go with Lewis.

[B]

Idiot.

[C]

Ah, Am I now?

[B]

Yep. You just wasted your vote, Jay, because. Oh, unless it's Jay.

[C]

Oh, fuck.

[B]

It's Jay.

[D]

It's between Lewis and Sean.

[B]

I think it's two stories in a row for Jay.

[E]

It's Jay.

[B]

Two stories in a row, Jay. That's why you're gonna throw away Lewis vote.

[E]

Cause Jay can't lie.

[D]

What disease do you have?

[B]

So what the fuck?

[E]

It was called heavy.

[D]

Wait.

[C]

Game unfolds.

[B]

Wait.

[D]

So high level means smoking weed.

[B]

Alex.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

All of her answers are in story number four. Story. Was that it, everybody?

[F]

Story number four.

[B]

He's so happy.

[F]

Two big you.

[B]

You. Boo.

[C]

I'm pissed.

[D]

This game.

[E]

Wow, Jay, that was good.

[B]

And I nailed it to both times. When it was Jay's story, I knew it. I was like, jay, he has that confidence. The psychotic confidence.

[C]

Yeah. I had. I got tall when I was young, quick. So I have a disease that's called Osgood Schlotti.

[D]

I had it too.

[B]

What is it, sir? So you're not on the show. He's been right here with the Whole time he's been with us, he's apologizing.

[C]

So it's just like a cartilage knot basically just hurt. It makes your knees hurt like all.

[E]

What is it called again?

[C]

Osgood Schlatter's disease.

[B]

Is that the name of the penguin?

[C]

Nope, that's Ozgood Oswald Cobblepot.

[B]

I'm sorry, that's what I thought it was.

[D]

That'd be, that'd be a disease you.

[B]

Have the penguin disease.

[E]

I wish they named pot. They should have named aids.

[C]

They said, they said you'll never dunk with Oswald Cobblepot. I said shut up. Osgood Schlowers DC So what was funny was so I played sports toys but they neighborhood sports not organized. And I went to, I went to. On my senior year I switched to South Jersey to a school that had like a football team and shit. So I did the hell week like the two a day practices and then once it started getting to running plays and I had no idea, first of all they just made me a fat offensive lineman. I offered my services as a tight end and quarterback.

[B]

He was the most offensive lineman on earth.

[C]

They were like, like they were like you're three hundred and pounds. And I was like, yeah, you're right. So maybe like a fullback or whatever. And they were like offensive line.

[D]

They're like, yeah, but I'm good in the pocket. I can, I'll stay in there.

[C]

I swear to you. I told the coach I have a cannon. I said those words. I go, I got a cannon. The guy goes. So they put me on offensive line and it was boring and I didn't know what was going on and I was doing terrible at it. So at the to to join the team I had the fake like you know, lie and say that I had nothing, that I cleared medical for it. And then once I didn't want to play because I was like, yeah, I'm not going to be good at this. I'll be a detriment to the team. I went Osgood Schlatter's disease. Doctor says I can't play.

[E]

They gave you an out. Yeah.

[D]

That's great.

[C]

So yeah, I think I still have same exact thing. But I'll tell you what, I ball through it because ball is life.

[B]

Jay. This is the furthest lead Jay has ever had going into the second half.

[C]

But of course by the way every time I get to I this happened before, it's always in the first half before the points mean almost anything. So this will be a short lived happiness. But I'm feeling Good right now.

[B]

Feeling great right now. Alex, where our points at?

[F]

All right. Tied for fourth place with two points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Paul Verze. In third place with four points, Sean Donnelly. In second place with five points, Robert Kelly.

[C]

Respectable. It's respectable.

[F]

And in the lead with nine points.

[D]

Big wow.

[E]

You deserve it.

[B]

Huge lead.

[E]

Yeah, you deserve it. You have oshkosh Bash disease.

[B]

He's got oshkosh B' gosh disease.

[C]

But Bobby, I'm living with oshkosh Bagash, not dying from it.

[B]

Oshkosh Bagashgosh. We're at the halfway point of the game. Four more stories to go. At this point, we do some quick plugs around the table. Bobby Kelly, what are you plugging, my friend?

[E]

Go to my punch out live, Robert Kelly for all my dates. And check out me and Paul Verze. And check out me and Big J on the bonfire. And me and Paul Verze have a podcast called called Bone to pick.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

How many times you have to say the names before you remember the name of your on Paul's podcast?

[E]

Twice.

[B]

Okay, twice.

[C]

You have me and Paul do a podcast called me and Jay do a show called the Bonfire. And then me and Paul hang out.

[D]

That's the name of our podcast.

[C]

Couple times a week we bang it out and it's called bone to pick. There it is.

[E]

Well, you just gave me my bone for next week, you condescending gasoline.

[B]

Paul Versi.

[D]

This Saturday night, I'm at the dojo in Morris plains. And then October 2nd, I'm in Sacramento, California. The punchline? No. Then San Francisco at Cobbs on October 3rd. More dates, Texas. Doing October 17th in Toronto. Go to PaulVirzee.com and my new podcast, Paul's best podcast, comes out this month. So check that out. Well, you said. And I do another. I do a podcast. Pot.

[E]

Okay, you sucker.

[D]

Well, you did it. What am I.

[E]

You both do it.

[C]

Let him know. Me and Bobby do a show called.

[D]

The Bonfire on Bobby does a show. I do a podcast with Bobby called.

[B]

You didn't even plug the regs, you piece of.

[E]

Dude. Hey, Ver. Hey.

[D]

Whoa. What?

[B]

Oh, you pulling at your little molested dick.

[D]

What is that?

[C]

Oh, God. Oh, it's like the nurse.

[E]

Oh, go to regs.com for the merch, baby.

[B]

Regs, merch.com.

[E]

I just showed. I just showed my side fat to the hot chicks. I apologize. That's gonna bother me for a year and a half.

[C]

Bobby.

[E]

What? Jay, What?

[C]

I saw it happen, and emotionally, I was right. There with you. I was like, God, I hope this shirt's gonna be worth what's happening. Cuz these girls have just decided they're never ever gonna even think about possibly you. You could have went to bed tonight masturbating. The idea that maybe they would have, but now you know they wouldn't. And it kills you.

[D]

I heard Alex.

[C]

It kills me that it kills you.

[E]

It hurts so bad, man.

[C]

Oh, Sean Donnelly, I wish you was.

[D]

Paul Versy and Bobby Kelly have a podcast called Bone to Pick.

[C]

Check it out. Bone to Pick.

[D]

Bone to Pick, baby. No, no. Me and D. Jermaine have a podcast called Burbs Bros. And look me up on Instagram at Shawnee time.

[E]

Love that podcast. Podcast.

[B]

Big J Oaker said.

[C]

BigJ.Comedy.com for all my dates. I'm all over the place. Look for a city near you on Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour. Coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. That means I'm coming to all the cities because he had a lot of cum. Peter North. It's an old reference. Thank you, sir. That guy knows a big cum load when he sees it. And of course, I'm doing live streams now on YouTube. Check those out on my YouTube page. Big J comics comedy or Big J Okerson. One of those two. Those are fun. We're doing those like once a week. And then of course, listen to the flagship show over here. It's Gas Digital. Legion of Skanks.

[E]

Hell yeah.

[C]

And me and Bobby Kelly know Paul Versey, who does a show with Bobby called A Bone to Pick Wednesday nights. And that double vinyl for them day. My crowd work double special limited edition vinyl coming out very, very soon. Check for that.

[B]

Come see me on the road. Lewisofskanks.com October I got a lot of stuff coming up. Kenosha, Wisconsin, Springfield, Missouri, Chandler, Arizona, and a lot more. We're doing some live story wars on the road. October 30th, we'll be in Austin in the main room at the Mothership. Two shows, one night, lots of fun. Guest plan for that then. November 11th, right here in New York City. This is going to be a fucking big one. The guests are absolutely huge. We are doing the Gramercy Theater right here in Gramercy. It's going to be incredible. Huge room come out. If you're in the New York area. November 11, 1 show, 9pm make sure you guys check out all the other pods that I do. The Regs Legion to Skanks, my solo podcast. Go Pre order my book Knives and Spoons on Amazon right now. And last but not least, subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love this show, we do a pre release on all the episodes, uncensored versions of all of our episodes, ad free versions of the episodes. And there's an entire on demand library of a bunch of shows, maybe 20 or 30 shows that are not available anywhere else. You can't get these episodes unless you subscribe gas digital.com use the promo code war. You save a couple bucks a month, that's it. Second half a little bit different, Jay.

[C]

Second half is a little bit different. First of all, let's not forget, everybody keep your eyes on the prize. No one's out of this game at all. And we're all looking to take home Queenie by Candace Carty Williams. It's both funny and heartbreaking as it traces a young woman's messy quarter life crisis through Queenie's encounters with toxic relationships, workplace microaggressions, and the weight of expectations. This novel shows how easy it is to spiral when the world refuses to make space for you. Yet through humor, honesty and raw self reflection, Queenie's story becomes one of survival and the slow, difficult process of piecing yourself back together. And this book is still possible for anybody to take home because, and I know Sean and Paul, you guys may have been confused earlier when Bobby was throwing it around all willy nilly, but the reality is, for the final four stories, always here on Story awards we go double points.

[D]

You weren't kidding when you said they love it.

[B]

Yeah, they love it.

[D]

That was fucking nuts.

[B]

They love it.

[E]

But if, if, if they win, if Paul or Sean win, they become a story warrior and they get to say double points.

[D]

And the only reason why Bobby said that was so he could let everybody know that he's a story warrior, right?

[C]

Yes, but the reality is, whether you're just saying it for fun, all crazy or not, for the second four stories, whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guess somebody's correct story, you got two points. That now goes to double point.

[B]

These Republicans are having a blast.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Hell yeah. Girls. Without further ado, Alex. Story number five.

[F]

Story number five. One time I got arrested for drinking on the beach and had to spend all night in a cell with a guy who was arrested for pistol whipping the guy who his wife was cheating on him with.

[C]

Him with.

[B]

How is this sickness? I mean, it's a pretty sick story. I guess.

[E]

It'S Sean because he doesn't know how the game Works.

[C]

I'm inclined to agree.

[D]

And he just agreed with that really quickly and went like that. So. Yeah, I think you showed the hand. I was saying like. No, I, I. Now the lenses are fogging up again.

[B]

Not only you guys look like you all have kind of the same voice too.

[C]

Yeah, I feel like all of you have got would have get arrested at the same time for drinking on the be from trying to scam some chicks from Long Island. But Bobby's gonna woo with his watches.

[B]

Drinking on the beach. Irish spend the night in jail.

[C]

Irish.

[B]

Irish pistol whipping Irish meeting a guy.

[C]

Who pistol whipped his cheating on wife who was cheating on him. Oh, the guy I was in jail.

[D]

Night in jail could also be Puerto Rican.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

But street justice, that's Irish.

[B]

It's true. It's like that movie with the five points with Leonardo DiCaprio.

[C]

Yeah, absolutely. You know what? This is total wet.

[E]

It's 100% Sean.

[C]

Sean Donnelly was a member of the Westies. We all know they're a violent mafia like crew. He takes no prisoners. Kill it Will Sean Donnelly. Oh, you're a psycho also, Sean, question.

[D]

I think it's Bobby because it seems very bald destiny to me.

[C]

Ah, it does. Now that you say that.

[D]

There you go.

[C]

This is Bobby's stupid Mystic river fantasy.

[B]

It is you.

[C]

You look at his face. It is him. It is him. This is the story to turn Bobby's life around. This is what he got arrested for. While that one the step one stepdad was sucking your dick and the other one was good.

[B]

Listen.

[C]

And there was one that was. I don't listen to all your stories. I don't listen to all your stories all the way through Bobby.

[B]

Bobby stopped drinking when he was literally 11 years old.

[C]

Right.

[E]

And I got arrested. Got arrested for drinking.

[B]

They wouldn't listen. Listen. They wouldn't have put him in a cell with an adult. He went to juvie. This is when you went.

[E]

When you.

[B]

Why are you trying to convince us it's you?

[C]

It's not cuz it's him.

[E]

I'm just saying he looked at me weird.

[B]

Sean, have you been arrested before?

[D]

Yeah, but not for this.

[B]

What were you arrested for?

[D]

I got arrested for subway dropping over the subway turnstile when I was a kid.

[C]

He can't lie either because that was one of my three wishes when he asked me.

[D]

Did you, did you live near a beach? Were you near a beach ever? No. Near a beach. Like I will say, Sean does look.

[B]

Like he's never been to a beach.

[C]

Yeah, the sun is your black people.

[D]

You know, go to a beach, the.

[C]

Sun'S your black people. You cross the street when it comes out.

[B]

If the story was I went to the beach and I burst into dust, then it would be Sean.

[C]

Yeah, Sean handles the stuff. Sound like sinners, vampires.

[D]

I thought this game was going to be easy. And when I was. When I won the first one, I was like, I got this, dude. I suck. I have no idea.

[B]

But I will say is going through a whole thing right now. I think this might be a little bit of acting because also, drinking on the beach, once again, Italian guido, double fucking gold chain behavior. I haven't had a story and Sean hasn't had a story yet, though it.

[C]

Was goddamn Paul and the rest of the Cobra Kai's out on the fucking beach getting ready to pick on the new Karate Kid. Who came to town from rece.

[D]

Is it Lewis?

[C]

I voted too early.

[D]

It's Lewis or Bobby.

[B]

You vote. Who'd you vote for?

[D]

This is a Tuesday in Boston.

[E]

They all go.

[D]

It's like a rite of passage in Boston.

[C]

You're right. Bobby would even remember this story if it was him.

[B]

No, I don't think this is Bobby.

[E]

I think it's Bobby.

[B]

I'm going. You know what, dude? Only because the reason I'm thinking Sean is because he hasn't had a story yet. And I just feel like mathematically speaking, but I also feel like he said no in such a genuine way.

[D]

Way.

[B]

I'm going with my instinct. This is a fucking dirty Italian guido story.

[D]

All fucking face is scaring me right now, dude. That was your virtuous people.

[C]

Immediately. Your.

[D]

Your gut, with the look he gave you might be right. I'm sticking with Sean.

[B]

You can't change it anyway.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in five stories down.

[F]

Story number five belongs to Sean.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, baby?

[D]

All right.

[B]

But you're so pale.

[D]

I really did do the newbie thing going. Yeah, yeah.

[E]

It has nothing to do with sickness.

[D]

No. What the guy did was pretty sick.

[E]

If you ask me.

[D]

You went to mental illness. Okay. Defend how this is sickness. And I said, that's a fucking sick thing to do to somebody.

[C]

It's sick.

[D]

So I win.

[B]

So you were. What beats was how old were you? It was Ocean City, Maryland, talking to the microphone. You're a professional comedian.

[D]

I went down to Ocean City, Maryland. We got arrested for drinking on the beach in Ocean City. And I was put in a cell with a guy who was in there because his wife was cheating on him. He went down to all the bars was. Got the guy in the middle of the street in front of everybody and took out his pistol and just beat the white guy.

[C]

White guy, you were fine.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like white guys. Pistol whip.

[D]

Yeah. In the middle of the night. I talked to the guy all night. He was a nice guy. And then in the middle, he's like a sweetheart.

[C]

Nice enough.

[D]

Ultimately, I wasn't his wife.

[C]

Well, yeah, don't his wife.

[D]

Yeah. In the middle of the night, he goes, you want to see something cool? I go, sure. And he rolls out his beard and pulls out one joint. He goes, pretty cool, huh? And just puts it back.

[B]

What the.

[D]

Was he a wizard?

[B]

Oh, he didn't smoke it with you. He just showed it to you.

[C]

What a jerk off. I'd have been like, what do you. Let me give me.

[E]

Lewis is going to grow a beard now.

[B]

I already have one. Okay, we have five stories in hint turkey.

[D]

I am a newbie. I'm very much a newbie here.

[B]

Five stories down, Alex. Sean just cleaned up a little bit because of double points. We're getting so sick of it. They're starting to hate double points.

[E]

Not the old broads in the corner. They're loving it.

[B]

They love it.

[E]

This is aerobics for them.

[B]

Alex, where are points at?

[F]

All right, in last place.

[B]

Don't be a bitch. I pay you.

[F]

With two points, Louis J. Gomez. Tied for third place with six points each, Sean Donnelly and Paul Versey.

[B]

Good job, boys.

[F]

Coming back in second place with nine points, Robert Kelly. And in the lead with 13 points. Points. Big J O. Wow.

[B]

This is your day, dude. For the people who have.

[C]

You guys might be here for the night.

[B]

You guys, you understand. We've had 60 episodes of the show. He's won five times ever. Ever. We play so much.

[E]

That's easy. Got osh kosh bagosh disease.

[C]

Yeah. Doctor said I would never be high level. Hey, guys, real quick, let's talk about one of our sponsor, Lewis. What's going on? Dude, Usually those are my balls. Usually you smell like absolute.

[B]

Yeah, no.

[C]

What's going on? I'm confused.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you right now. I've been using Mando's total body deodorant all over my body. Especially on my package. My balls. Look. I got stinky Puerto Rican balls. Everyone knows that.

[C]

Everyone knows that.

[B]

Everyone knows that.

[C]

Most people that I know know.

[B]

It's so. It's so funny because we do joke around here, but they really are disgusting. And for a long time I was like, what am I going to do about it. Just have gross balls. No, I genuinely use. I only use it in my armpit.

[C]

We all thought you were going to kill yourself for a while. It was touch and go. It was touch and go for a minute.

[B]

I genuinely use the ball deodorant all the time. The ball wipes are incredible as well. If you're ever on a long trip and you don't have time to go shower, you just get, you know, do a little wipe a roo. Make your balls smell good, but don't go balls to neck and face. Sometimes I do that. It's a big mistake.

[C]

That's crazy. No, here's what I do. I go balls. Then I fold it over and then I take a swipe up the old crack.

[B]

Ooh, yeah.

[C]

Front to back, but never touching the same thing. My ball part has now been folded on top of itself. And then I swipe up the crack with the fold there. You've gotten two with one wipe.

[B]

You're a fucking genius, Jay. I'll tell you right now. The Mando controls sweat and odor for 72 hours. And just truly, after 12 hours, underarm sweat was reduced by a whopping 92% scent. And we know Jay loves Whoppers, the candy and the burger.

[C]

Fast food burgers. True story.

[B]

Mando starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, and two products of your choice like the mini body wash or the deodorant wipes, plus free shipping. And we have a special offer for Story wars fans. So if you go to shopmando.com shop m a n d o dot com, use the promo code Wars W A R Z Warz.

[C]

Now I want to walk Whopper.

[B]

You're gonna get 20 off site wide plus free shipping. I do love the Whopper candy. People don't like that candy. Bart Simpson family said chocolate on the outside, poison on the inside.

[C]

A Whopper. Yeah, I like Whoppers too, but something weird about the texture of molten.

[B]

I love malt. Anyway, shopmando.com is the website use that promo code wars with a ZWA or Z20 off plus free shipping. Site wars wide. All right.

[C]

You know the Whopper is flame broiled. That's why it's. It's good. It's flame broiled your way. That's why there's grill marks on it.

[B]

All right, let's get back into it. All right, Alex, story number six.

[F]

Story number six. When I was in my early 20s, I got strep throat and didn't see a doctor for over a month. I spread it to multiple people in my group of friends.

[B]

Didn't Bobby already tell this story?

[C]

No. Dude, this is so Louis. This is. Louis was such a trash street kid at this point. Early 20s. I knew Lewis was early 20s. He was a piece of shit. A lip pierced, just sloppy. His clothes were all handed down to him from his drug dealer dude.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

These are all facts, right?

[B]

He was a weed dealer.

[C]

Facts.

[B]

That's not a drug dealer. And they were cool. They were triple five soul.

[C]

Here we go.

[B]

Cool shit, dude.

[C]

So I'm telling you, you're 100%. As a guy, he had no insurance.

[D]

It's not Bobby.

[B]

Bobby.

[E]

It's you, Lewis. Because you don't care about other people.

[C]

And Lewis doesn't care about his fellow man.

[E]

No, he does not.

[C]

Also. I forgot about that. He also doesn't care about.

[E]

He would have herpes. Take a bite of your apple and then give it back to you and.

[D]

Not tell you absolutely no health insurance. You were doing comedy stuff in your early 20s, right?

[B]

Nobody here had health insurance in the early 20s.

[D]

All right, good.

[C]

Louis will eat your. With a sinus infection, you don't give a. Dude.

[D]

Yeah, it's not. Sean. Sean. You look like your parents had benefits.

[C]

Your parents had Irish Medicaid.

[D]

A medicine man. That'll come by.

[B]

Well, here's the thing. I've never had strep throat, so that's.

[C]

Well, yeah, if you don't go to the doctor, you can't be diagnosed. But you assumed.

[B]

No. Is that over a month? It says the person went to the doctor eventually.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I've never. I've never had strep throat. I've talked about this specifically on podcasts before. I've never had Shep. When people talk about it all the time, he's lying.

[D]

See, this is nuts. This is tough.

[C]

I've mentioned this on podcasts.

[B]

A lot of people have heard me talk about this on podcasts.

[E]

I've been doing podcasts with you for 25 years, sir. I've never heard anybody.

[D]

Please. Yeah.

[C]

What's your name? Chuck. You've heard Lewis reference before on podcast. Okay, thank you.

[D]

I have.

[B]

Chuck, I thought you were on my side. No. What are you doing? You're an idiot.

[C]

That was awesome.

[D]

All right, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. Bobby. Because he was very quiet during that and voted right away.

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[E]

Well, that's what I do.

[B]

Bobby. I think Bobby literally told the exact same story twice. I think that's what's happening?

[C]

Bobby wants to go home an hour ago. He's got a family he loves very much.

[E]

No, I want to go home because these girls saw my side.

[C]

Fat Bobby, call me on the ride home. I'll talk you down, buddy. I know what that's like. You were like, I'm gonna be so funny. And then you're like, these girls are so. Their. Are so dry right now.

[B]

Paul.

[D]

No.

[B]

Paul. Paul.

[E]

Why, Alex?

[C]

Oh, you'll hear why.

[E]

You'll hear why. Because it's who. Strep throat Gomez.

[F]

This story belongs to Lewis.

[D]

Don't call it a comeback. Don't call it a comeback.

[B]

My ass kicks. What is happening today.

[C]

This story is very you, Louis.

[D]

I helped you out, Louis. I helped you out.

[B]

I didn't. No, I didn't know. I had trip. I thought I was just sick, Jay. But I was. Like, I had a girlfriend. I was cheating on my girlfriend. I made out with both of them. Then I coughed in my other friend's mouth. Every. There was, like, eight people who got strep throat, and they were wondering how it all happened, and it was just me, and I had white, crazy lesions on the back of my throat. It was the most pain I've ever been in my entire life. But I had no insurance, and I didn't realize you could just go to a free clinic. So I just. So eventually, this girl was like, he's gonna go to a free clinic. And they gave me, like, you stop.

[C]

Getting me strep and go to a doctor.

[B]

Yeah, it was. It was the most painful experience in my life. But I do only have strep one time. Strep.

[D]

Pussy and strep can also live in the butt.

[C]

That's Science Corner with Sean Donnelly right here on storywar.

[B]

Alex, take stories down. Where are our points at?

[F]

All right. In very last place, with only four points, Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

I'm not gonna win this one, guys. I just don't see it happening.

[C]

There's still time.

[B]

There is time still.

[D]

When you get on.

[F]

In fourth place, with six points, Sean Donnelly. In third place, with 10 points, Paul Versi.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

All right.

[F]

In second place, with 13 points, Robert Kel.

[D]

That's a. That's a story warrior right there.

[F]

And in the lead with 17 points, Big J Okerson.

[C]

This is a photo op.

[B]

This is big J. You've never.

[C]

Guys, photo op.

[B]

Jay was in the lead. Story number one. We're six stories down. He still has a lead in a sizable lead.

[C]

Take your phones out.

[B]

This has never happened, but he could Lose. He can still lose.

[D]

He could lose easily by one.

[C]

I feel pretty good. If I lose this game, I will. I'll let everybody on this panel kick me in the dick.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, Bobby was close. I'll. If I lose. All right, let me sort that out over the next question. I thought I was way ahead.

[B]

What is that vibrator? I swear to God. It's crazy. It's a thing.

[D]

It's phantom. It's a phantom.

[B]

There's a phantom vibrating. But does that mean I'm dying?

[E]

Let me ask you a question. Are you taking, like, heartburn medication?

[B]

No.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

It's stage three, whatever it is.

[B]

No. Last night, I was in my son's parent teacher night. I'm sitting in the chair the whole time. Like, who's got a cell phone? This afternoon, I was doing the podcast with you guys. Felt the same thing. Right now, I really am worried it might die.

[E]

I hope.

[C]

Wait, dude. Dude, do you remember I came over to see your new house this week? Yeah, I did bring you a cursed vase. Now, I thought that was just funny. Like, there was a curse vase. I'm like, oh, that'll be a cool thing to give. Little Spice gave to you and said it was a vase, but it is. It is cursed from a Indian thing.

[E]

I. You know what? I hope. I hope it's your coffee.

[C]

Go home, bury it, and cut yourself and hold it to the moon and. And you're golden. Alex.

[B]

Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. When I was 16, I went to the doctor, and the nurse was so hot that I jerked off in the time between when she left and when the doctor came in.

[D]

That could be all of us. That could be all of us. Let's not lie.

[B]

That's.

[D]

L. L. That's. Come on. Look at his face.

[B]

I mean, I've done. I've. Look, it's a famous story. I did jerk off in the hospital while my son's mother was giving birth to my son.

[C]

Oh, I forgot.

[B]

That literally ended our relationship.

[D]

No way.

[B]

I mean, if I. If the mood calls, I do it. Airplane, bathroom, comedy clubs, anywhere I want to jerk off, I will jerk off. So this. I will say. This is something that I would do.

[C]

Just know that my silence is not complying with this.

[D]

This is epic. I would say Jay or. Or it's you.

[C]

All right, you, Dude. Not in a million years would I do this. That's crazy.

[D]

That's Bob.

[C]

This is Bobby.

[B]

Yes, this sounds like Bobby to me.

[C]

It could be.

[E]

This is when you found out he had oshkosh Bagash disease and you got nervous and jerking off helps you relax.

[D]

He's deflecting, buddy.

[C]

I'm telling you, this. This is not my.

[D]

Sean is too Catholic for this. This is not Sean Jay.

[B]

J. See, Jay is a pervert, but he's. I just don't think this is his type of perversion. Like, this is a me or Bobby thing. I'll say that right now. I don't.

[D]

Bobby's head is down. Look. He's looking down.

[B]

He's thinking about shame.

[D]

There's a lot of shame in his face.

[E]

You think I have two jerking off at the hospital story.

[C]

Yes, I do.

[D]

Yes.

[E]

Yes, I do. I didn't give the other one, though.

[D]

If you could do it once, you could do it twice. Bobby.

[B]

This is screaming. Bobby Kelly. Bobby, tell me, convince us that this is not you.

[E]

It's not me.

[C]

No.

[D]

Good job.

[C]

Back it up with something.

[E]

I'm talking, buddy. First of all, I'm not gonna give the same story. You know, I'm gonna.

[C]

By the way, the first part of that sentence was a different tone of voice that if you told me that you were. You were showing me a voice for a new cartoon you were doing, I.

[B]

Would have believed.

[D]

The way he was looking down. It's Bobby.

[B]

We all submit three to five stories. So they just happened. These are the two that happened to come up when they were generating them. I could see Bobby just. This is. Look, you like nurses. You think they're hot.

[E]

Who doesn't?

[B]

You jack off to them.

[E]

Are you guys nurses?

[C]

Do you have a.

[E]

Do you have a nurse outfit?

[C]

Well, what do you do so we can jack jerk off to that?

[B]

They spend their husband's money. That's what they do.

[E]

You think their husbands are still alive, idiot. I'm sorry.

[C]

This reeks about these losses.

[E]

That's the flag.

[D]

He's talking to them. Because look at. Look at. He's fidgeting. It's body.

[E]

I fidget, dude.

[C]

Bobby schmutzing around. Because I'll tell you, this one smells like Robert Tokeli to me to say Bobby. He was 16. This kid was.

[D]

Oh, no. I could tell it's.

[C]

This kid was hyper. Six.

[B]

Oh, if this is. If this is Big J, we don't even got to do story number eight. This is going to be crazy. We all vote Bobby. And it's Big J.

[C]

It's not me.

[E]

Oh, if it's you, dude, it's an easy.

[C]

Not me. This is easy to see. It's not me. I would have had, like bits.

[E]

Jay. This Jay Is it you?

[C]

No.

[D]

That would be three stories from Jay.

[B]

He's. We've had that happen. Bobby had. The first time he won, he had three stories and that's probably the reason why he won one.

[D]

Ah, dude, I'm trying to strategize. It's not working.

[E]

Jay.

[C]

Yes?

[E]

Have you ever jerked off in hospital?

[C]

No.

[E]

See, that's a.

[C]

You.

[D]

Oh, God.

[C]

It's.

[D]

If it's Jay.

[E]

Dude, Lewis.

[B]

I already told you. I told you a story about how he jumped up in hospital.

[C]

He told you he did this exactly the perfect way.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

So that means he's already. He's done it once, he's gonna do it again.

[B]

Give me a hospital. I'll jerk off there now.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Give me the opportunity.

[C]

Lewis loves jacking off the white.

[B]

I love jacking off to the smell of Bobby.

[C]

Are you just beating around the bush to kill time for no reason?

[D]

Because it's definitely Bobby.

[B]

If it's you and you're just wasting this much time, I'm gonna punch you in the.

[C]

No, he won't. Lewis won't do that at all. Dude, you know what?

[E]

It's Lewis cuz He. He gets aggressive when he gets nervous. That's what I. That's what I like about you.

[B]

Queer.

[D]

Do it already.

[B]

Sticky.

[C]

Bobby, if it's not you, I'm gonna be blown away.

[E]

I know it's you.

[D]

And you. You piece of.

[C]

Stop it.

[E]

Is it you? Look at me in the face.

[B]

Look, if it was Jay, he would be. He would be really exuding happiness right now because he's about to clean the up and win this game.

[D]

If. If it's one of you, I'm leaving.

[C]

So you think I'm lying to you?

[B]

Bobby, this might be vers.

[C]

You took your hand off. Wow. Bobby.

[E]

Yeah?

[C]

Look at me.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I didn't lie to you.

[E]

Okay, great.

[C]

You thought I did.

[E]

Yeah, I thought. No, I didn't think you lied. I thought you were playing the game. Oh, you win.

[D]

I want this to be. I want to be right so bad right now.

[C]

Bobby, look at me in the eyes.

[D]

I want this.

[C]

What did I tell you? I tell you it wasn't me.

[D]

He lied.

[B]

Alex, whose story was this?

[F]

All right, everybody. Story number seven belongs to Sean Donnelly.

[E]

You're a hunk of. I think differently of you now.

[B]

I was 16.

[D]

Relax. Y. You. You pervert.

[B]

Jesus. I don't mean that.

[D]

I don't mean. I'm just mad.

[E]

Jay.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[E]

Jay, I'm sorry.

[C]

Is this what heartbreak feels like?

[E]

I'm sorry, Jay. I thought you Wanted to win so bad. And I wouldn't care if you lied to me.

[B]

Sean, tell us the story.

[D]

That's pretty much it.

[C]

We have to tell our producers when they call the comments, tell them synopsis. I could tell by this that that Paul and Sean both thought they were supposed to send the entire story written out, so.

[D]

Yeah, so I went. I was six. I was 16.

[B]

Why were you at the hospital?

[D]

I was. Went to the. It was just a doctor's visit. Wasn't even the hospital. And I went in and the nurse was so hot, and I was 16, and I. I was up and I jerked off. And the doctor came in about 15 seconds after I finished.

[B]

But you finish in the office. Where'd you jizz?

[D]

Into the garbage can.

[B]

A. I've done that.

[D]

It's the first time I've said this ever. Dude, who am I sitting next to right now?

[C]

You're sitting next to this Indian guy. Re view. But they're a third world. Everything's in the trash can there.

[D]

I love how everybody took the steam.

[B]

Hold on. This crowd stinks. That was great. Everything's a trash can in India. Come on. Even worse.

[E]

Well, stop dressing like an Indian.

[C]

Damn. Not even sort of close.

[D]

Thank you, brother.

[E]

His name's Sean. You guys have a check spot on Story Wars?

[B]

I know.

[D]

We.

[B]

It's a problem. They do drop checks on the eighth story, right @ the climax of the show. They come out and drop checks every single episode.

[C]

Time for our final story where it all comes together. Who can win? Hidden, your checks, please.

[E]

Is this the final story?

[B]

This it? Story number eight, Alex.

[E]

Now.

[B]

No points. I'm sorry.

[F]

All right. In last place with four points, Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Yeah, you're vibrating. That's bad.

[F]

In fourth place with 10 points, Paul Verze. In third place with 13 points, Robert Kelly.

[E]

Wow. Wow, wow.

[C]

I tried to save you.

[F]

In second place with 14 points, Sean Donnelly.

[D]

The fucking long shot.

[F]

And in the lead with 17 points, big J. Okerson.

[B]

I mean, truly, it's anybody except my story right now. Now, Jay, you have. You're hanging on by a hair right now. Sean Donnelly nipping at your heels. Bobby Kelly's right there, former story warrior. This is it, folks. This is for all the potatoes. No one, pay attention, pay your bills.

[C]

Everybody check out for the crux.

[E]

Why would they do a check spot right at the end of the show?

[D]

Guys, guys, don't tell anybody that story that I told you about jerking off on the top.

[C]

Also, guys, you keep a secret. You guys drop checks during Sean's perverted stories.

[D]

I love how sickness was the theme and it's just about jerking off in hospitals. Sickness has nothing to do with this episode at fucking all.

[B]

Okay, story warriors, I know what's going on right now. You guys are probably low T. Your brain's not firing on all cylinders. How many of these questions did you get wrong? How many of these stories did you guess the wrong person? Probably most of them. That's because you are not using body brain coffee. Body brain coffee naturally boosts testosterone and brain function, mood, overall, everything. It's just a great, great product that I happen to conceptualize myself right in my kitchen. And it's blown up. People really, really love it. It has Tonga Ali, lion's mane, ashwagandha and L Theanine blended with premium freeze dried Colombian coffee. It's quick, it's easy, it's convenient. You could do hot, cold. You can blend it into a protein shake and make it a coffee protein shake. Great company, great product. You guys will love it. Just go to bodybraincoffee.com and use the promo code WAR25W a R25 for 25 off after October. We're dropping that, that discount. It's no longer you be 25% off. Too many people are buying it. So we're. It's only going to be 20% after this month. But for the month of October, go to bodybraincoffee.com use the promo code WAR25 and get 25% off. All right, where were we? We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen, it's our final story. Alex, story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. One time in front of a lot of people, I called out, out. I'm hitting that side mirror on that far away car with this snowball. Then I did it. Sickness.

[B]

I like it.

[D]

I can, I think it's Lewis because I can hear Lewis going sickness.

[B]

Look, that's me. But if you know anything about me.

[E]

Big J, you know that's Big J.

[B]

My father was murdered. Nobody ever told me on a throw, I can't. I have the worst arm you'll ever see.

[C]

But that would have been a big moment in your life.

[B]

Would have been a huge moment in my life.

[D]

Sickness.

[E]

That's 100% little chubby Philly. Big J by himself hits the mirror and he went sickness. And then he did tummy time and watched the movie.

[D]

I think it's either Lewis or it's. Or it's Jay.

[B]

I can see this being Big J only because Jay, Jay knows how to play the game. On another level.

[C]

So he. I'm sorry. I keep checking out. Bobby keeps hurting my feelings by assuming it's me. I'm looking at you telling you this.

[D]

Plays back to playing sports at a high level you're trying to make up for.

[B]

And Jay just cut me off because you knew I was going to make a great point on purpose. I know.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

I don't apologize, but I know what's going on right now.

[C]

No, Bobby's here.

[B]

Can I say if we all vote for Jay, it'll take it away from him, right? He doesn't win.

[E]

Even if. Even if. I think we should all just vote for Jay.

[B]

We should all just vote for Jay. Just in case it's just kick him in the dick. Just. We take away his victory.

[C]

That's even Paul, who has 10. He will win the game.

[E]

Hey, Paul.

[D]

Oh, God. Let's do it.

[E]

Paul.

[D]

What?

[E]

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Look at me. Don't look down. Don't look down. Look at me. Look at me. Look at my eyes.

[D]

I'm looking.

[E]

Look at me. Stop moving your head. Did you do it? Don't look down.

[D]

What?

[E]

Look at me. Don't look away. Did you do it?

[D]

Did you do it?

[E]

Did you?

[D]

I.

[E]

Don't put it back on me. Did you do it?

[D]

I didn't do it.

[E]

Stop looking down.

[D]

Look at my eyes.

[E]

Look at my eyes.

[B]

Did you do a mirror?

[C]

I just realized Paul should start smoking cigars and Bobby should start wearing chains.

[B]

I mean, look, I'm gonna. I'm gonna stick to this. I don't know why it's so funny to me.

[C]

Fun plan for everyone to vote.

[B]

Jay. Oh, he's. He's so pumped. It's definitely J. J, is it you?

[D]

It's you.

[B]

No, Sean, it's not me. Sean, it is not me.

[D]

Sean not hear you saying.

[B]

You'Re going to give this. You're going to guess wrong and you're going to give it a J. You fool. I tried to hand this to you.

[E]

It's not Lewis. You know it. No, he had no childhood.

[D]

Like, what does it have to do with throwing a fucking snowball? That's a good point.

[E]

He was a little golf.

[C]

This is not a big deal in the world. It blew Lewis's mind because he was a fatherless child.

[E]

It's you, Jay.

[C]

Okay?

[E]

Your mother.

[B]

Your mother blew the local. Something.

[C]

Police officers.

[B]

Police officer.

[C]

To protect a household with a son and a single mother in West Philadelphia.

[B]

Big J, he's got a good arm. He understands the the parameters of a cannon. Sometimes you think outside. Sometimes he's been playing the game long enough to think outside of the box. And everyone is thinking sickness. Like a sickness. I'm telling you right now, Big J, the snowball thrower.

[D]

You think Lewis went too fast with that?

[E]

I think it's Big J because.

[C]

Oh, good. I'm going to do. Lewis cut you off again.

[B]

Because he's freaking out right now. Inside, he knows it's about to be because he's.

[E]

He's smart enough to. We all went sick. Hospital, strep throat, aids. He went surfer sickness. That's Big J. He went another direction. It's 100. Big J. Because he went.

[D]

He could also say like sickness.

[E]

Me? No, him. Yeah, he would say it's sick sickness. I could see Big J doing that.

[B]

What do we think here, boys?

[D]

Hold on. It's been sending for a couple minutes. No, all suburban kid. City. City.

[B]

Suburban.

[D]

Suburban, yeah.

[E]

Jay wasn't suburban.

[D]

Everybody's suburban. Jay was city. I feel like city of less of a chance.

[C]

Lewis with a big. With a wiener in his mouth now.

[B]

Now we're going to be demonetized on YouTube. Thank you, Jay, for showing gay porn on the channel. I'm trying to do this for money.

[C]

Oh, also, we don't do this for.

[B]

Fun or a book. We do for money, Jay.

[C]

And also, you can't take it out. No, I know it's gonna be the same answer, but I'm also drawing extra to it.

[D]

It's you. No, it's you.

[E]

It's you.

[D]

Dude, it's.

[C]

It's the Prophet Muhammad.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Okay, I don't care.

[B]

Just so you know, that penis belongs to a six year old boy.

[C]

It does.

[B]

That's. That's child porn.

[C]

And the prophet Muhammad thinks it's okay.

[B]

Oh, my God. The Indian. Indian guy's furious.

[C]

Oh, this guy. This Mexican Indian guy's crazy.

[D]

I did it.

[B]

You guys are idiots. You hate the J. A victory, you idiots.

[D]

Because I think it's a curse.

[C]

I have a gut feeling.

[B]

Nobody voted for me. J. You guys are. Oh, I'm pissed.

[C]

Why?

[B]

I don't know why. I do want you to win, but I want. I like taking it away from you more.

[C]

I do understand that.

[B]

No, like, I really do. I'm happy that you're gonna be happy if you win this. And I think you might. Alex, whose story was it?

[F]

Story number eight belongs to Big J.

[C]

What did I tell you?

[E]

What did I tell you?

[B]

We all know who won this game. Al. Wait. I'm sorry, Jay. Tell the story real quick. I mean, there's not much more to it. It's just a pretty sick moment in your life.

[C]

I was. I was. This is not a fat, lonely child. This is when I was filming a TV show.

[E]

You're a fat, lonely adult.

[C]

I was fat, lonely adult who thought.

[D]

It was high school. Like back in the day.

[C]

I was filming a TV show and we were outside in Chappaqua, New York, and it was winter time, and I loaded up a snowball and they had, like the sprinter vans for all the crew. People, people. And I just had a lot of people around. I go, side mirror. Zinged it. I mean, far it went po and everyone.

[D]

Sickness. You did. I told you. You do that. Lewis. Lewis. My bad, my bad.

[B]

I mean, look, I will say I was playing a dirty game, trying to take it away from him. Alex, make it official. Where are our final points?

[F]

All right, in. In Last place, with 8 points, Luis J. Gomez. In fourth place with 10 points, Paul Verze. In third place with 13 points, Robert Kelly. Second place, scored 14 points. And your winner tonight, his sixth win of all time with 23 points, Big J. Okerson.

[C]

All right, I thank you all. Thank you so much. I'll give you a little something here before I go. I'd like to say, and just to really make sure the night goes smooth and I make sure everybody here goes home safe and happy, I'd like Lewis to know that the entire show, I've been vibrating his leg with my phone. Thank you guys so much. Thank you so much. It's great to be a story warrior. How about for our amazing path, story warrior. Robert Kelly, Paul Versey, Sean Donnelly. I'm BJ Ogrison.

[B]

I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Thank you for hanging out here on Story Wars. We'll catch you guys next time. Until then, peace.