062. Jason Ellis, Ryan Shaner, Greg Stone | Regrets

Summary

Story Warz – Episode 62: "Regrets"

Podcast: Story Warz (GaS Digital Network)
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests/Competitors: Jason Ellis, Ryan Shaner, Greg Stone
Release Date: October 10, 2025
Theme: Regrets

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Overview

Episode 62 of Story Warz brings together hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez with first-time competitors Jason Ellis (MMA fighter/skateboarder/comic), Greg Stone (comedian, podcaster), and Ryan Shaner (Philly comic/podcaster). Taped live at New York Comedy Club, the panel competes in a game blending deceptive storytelling, comedy, and humiliation — all around the central theme: "Regrets." The winner takes home a book debunking transgender myths ("You're in the Wrong Bathroom") from the Story Warz library.

This episode is fast-paced with brutal roasts, wild stories ranging from sexual misadventures to physical altercations, and plenty of inside comedy. The game is close, chaotic, and hilarious, with classic crowd interplay and signature GaS Digital irreverence.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Opening & Rules

[02:29–06:51]

• Jay & Luis welcome the crowd at their new sold-out home, NY Comedy Club.
• Story Warz rules: Each panelist (plus Jay & Luis) submits stories about the night’s theme. Stories are read anonymously; panelists must guess whose true story is whose.
• Points: +2 for a correct guess, +1 for each person you fool, double points in second half.
• Prize: The book "You're in the Wrong Bathroom” (debunking trans myths).

Quote:
Jay: “After we get our amazing panel up here... All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific topic. Tonight's topic: regrets." [05:31]

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2. Meet the Panel

[03:19–04:57]

• First-timers: Ryan Shaner (END Podcast), Greg Stone (Welcome to Talk Town), Jason Ellis (MMA, EllisMania, pro skateboarder).
• Immediate panel banter—joking about looking like a hardcore band, and early roasts on one another’s image and backgrounds.

Quote:
Jay: “You guys look like you’re a hardcore band.”
Jason: “Who’s the singer?”
Luis: “I thought Greg was the manager.” [05:07]

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3. Stories & Game Play

Story #1 – The Inhaler Incident

[08:06–19:02]

• Story: "I got an inhaler stuck in a woman’s vagina and had to take her to the ER."
• Panel’s banter: Accusations of nerdiness, sexual ineptitude, and general horror.
• Guesses center on Greg ("nerd vibe," has asthma, Asian wife joke).
• Reveal: It's Greg’s story: In 9th grade, fooling around with a girl who asked him to use his inhaler; it got stuck and they almost had to go to his mom’s emergency room.
• Memorable moment: Jay: “Call me Al Butyrol, baby!” [16:07]

Quote:
Greg (on what happened): "We were cooking after school... I was fingering her... she was like, grab something, put something in. I freaked out. I had my inhaler... I put it in, and I swear to God, it went. Just went in." [16:37]

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Story #2 – Stromboli Sabotage

[21:14–35:42]

• Story: "I farted on some food my friend ordered; he ate it defiantly, got food poisoning, and both our girlfriends broke up with us."
• Guesses: Most think it’s Shaner, due to Philly/lowlife association.
• Reveal: It’s Shaner’s story: He bare-ass farted on a friend’s stromboli out of spite, friend ate it anyway, both got violently sick, and it dominoed into breakups.
• Panel reaction: Disgust, lots of “You’re patient zero” jokes.

Quote:
Shaner: “Yo, I farted all over that stromboli.”
Friend: “Yeah, fuck you. Think I give a fuck about farts on my stromboli?” [33:06]

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Story #3 – Sandra Bullock??

[37:19–45:03]

• Story: “I had sex with someone who I thought was Sandra Bullock.”
• Immediate reaction: Everyone thinks it’s Ellis ("famous, parties, wild stories").
• Reveal: Jason Ellis.
• The story: After Tony Hawk landed the 900, Jason thought he picked up Sandra Bullock (with another woman) at an afterparty—turns out it wasn’t her, only realized after all-night partying and sex.
• Audience & panel cackling over punchlines about “doing speed with Sandra Bullock.”

Quote:
Jason: “It’s like, someone that is not as hot as her either... I look over at my friend, and my friend—we don’t say a word to each other, just ‘Oh my God, it’s not her.’" [44:20]

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Story #4 – Dog Bite

[48:29–56:24]

• Story: “I got bit by a dog trying to pet it through a fence, ignored a ‘beware of dog’ sign.”
• Most guess Luis (“Puerto Ricans and dogs” as a running inside joke).
• Reveal: It was Luis.
• Details: Cute dog, friendly scene, ignored the sign, was bitten and the owner just pointed to the sign.
• Classic New York story, continued riffing on ethnicity/dogs theme.

Quote:
Luis: “There was a Puerto Rican guy sitting on his porch, just smiling…it was like out of a Sun Kiss ad…put my hand through the gate and the dog just came up to it... wasn’t even aggressive. He didn’t bark. He literally just went like a (chomp) like a vampire.” [55:39]

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Halftime & Score Recap

[56:27–57:17]

• Scores are still close: Greg (3 pts), Shaner (4), Jason (5), Luis (6), Jay (6).
• Banter about hand turkeys and audience inside jokes.

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Story #5 – The Pissing Lady

[64:12–75:19]

• Story: “I walked by a black, morbidly obese homeless woman spreading her ass, taking a piss on the street. I had ample time to record but I choked.”
• Guesses: Everyone thinks it’s Jay (the phrasing, subject matter).
• Reveal: Jay.
• Details: Just happened that week in NYC. Sounded like a “horse cock pissing,” was almost splashed, considered filming but chickened out.

Quote:
Jay: “She was gripping ass cheek in each hand, spreading it open... her asshole had that—what is it about homeless shit? It's like a color of tan.” [74:08]

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Story #6 – Mom Rap

[79:30–90:09]

• Story: “At a 9th grade sleepover, my friend’s mom caught me making up a rap song about her, and forced me to finish the song.”
• Debate: Greg or Shaner? Most pick Shaner.
• Reveal: Shaner.
• Story: Trapped by a “cool mom” who heard them making lewd rap jokes, forced him to finish the song in front of her; lots of old 90s rap nostalgia jokes.

Quote:
Shaner: “I do remember the last thing I said… ‘and I ate her pussy clean off her body’ was like, one of the things I said. And then the door opens, and she was in the hallway.” [88:57]

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Story #7 – Michael Bolton/Rod Stewart

[93:23–104:09]

• Story: “I called Michael Bolton ‘Rod Stewart’ to his face by accident.”
• Guesses: Wild speculation; some think it’s Jay, some Ellis, ultimately it’s Greg.
• Reveal: Greg & story: At a fancy Toys R Us event, first time drinking heavily, got hammered, sang “When a Man Loves a Woman” on stage with Michael Bolton, then drunkenly called him Rod Stewart. There’s a photo as proof.

Quote:
Greg: “I was drinking Malibu Bay Breezes… woke up, and she (girlfriend) had CVS pictures… she goes, ‘this is when you took the mic out of his hand, looked at him then the crowd, and said, fuck me hard and fast, Rod Stewart.’” [102:15]

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Story #8 – Beaten by a Female Cop

[107:43–118:47]

• Story: “I was beaten by a female police officer.”
• Guesses: Most think Shaner (small & rowdy reputation). All wrong.
• Reveal: Jason Ellis.
• Story: In San Diego, helping friends in a fight, accidentally punched someone pulling his long hair—it was a female police officer. She chased him down, tripped him, cuffed and beat him with a baton for 30 minutes, left him sleeping in homeless man’s piss overnight in jail.

Quote:
Jason: “She puts me on my knees and handcuffs my hands behind my hamstrings… then she beat me with a baton for like half an hour, dude. Like, a long time.” [117:17]

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Notable Lines & Moments

• Panel Brosmanship: The contestants’ constant roasting, from asthma jokes to ethnic/racial riffs (esp. Puerto Rican-dog and Philly filth tropes), are delivered in classic skank comedy style.
• Spontaneity: “Jay has gotten way better at this game. He’s got a bunch of wins recently. He’s playing the game right now.” – Luis [70:42]
• Infamous Greg Quote: “Call me Al. Butyrol, baby.” [16:07]
• Self-Deprecation: “If this is Lewis, I’ll quit the show. No, don’t say that. We love you.” – Jay & Luis [114:14]

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Final Scoreboard & Winner

[118:47–119:40]

• 1st Place (Winner): Jason Ellis – 21 pts
• 2nd: Greg Stone – 19 pts
• 3rd: Luis J. Gomez – 14 pts
• 4th: Ryan Shaner – 10 pts
• Last: Big Jay Oakerson – 6 pts

Jason Ellis wins his first appearance and is christened a "Story Warrior," with extra celebration and riffs about America, steroids, and his chaotic journey.

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Tone & Takeaways

• Tone: Raucous, unfiltered, self-aware, relentlessly mocking yet comradely.
• Humor: Body horror, sexual content, ethnic/Philly/NYC/white-trash jokes, and meta-gaming geekery.
• Game Vibe: Genuinely competitive, with most competitors caring more about victory as the game heats up.
• Memorable Episode: Features some of the best stories yet (according to hosts), likely to land several in the planned Story Warz book.

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Essential Timestamps

• 02:29 – Show intro & rules
• 08:06 – Story 1 (Inhaler/Vagina)
  “Call me Al Butyrol, baby.” – Greg [16:07]
• 21:14 – Story 2 (Farted Stromboli)
• 37:19 – Story 3 (Sandra Bullock?)
  "We thought we were..." – Jason [43:02]
• 48:29 – Story 4 (Dog Bite)
• 64:12 – Story 5 (Street Pissing Lady)
• 79:30 – Story 6 (Rap Song & Mom)
• 93:23 – Story 7 (Michael Bolton/Rod Stewart)
• 107:43 – Story 8 (Female Police Officer Beats Jason)
• 118:47 – Final scoreboard & winner declared

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Conclusion

A tight, hysterically filthy, and deeply competitive installment of Story Warz, “Regrets” proves to be a highlight for the series. It features new players who fit in immediately, infamous story confessions, and instant classic lines. Jason Ellis’s win cements him as a formidable “story warrior,” while everyone’s humiliation is the real prize for listeners.

Recommended for fans of:

• Comedy game shows
• Guilty, raunchy storytelling
• NYC and Philly comic subculture
• Relentless inside-joke riffing

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Next episode: Who will defend their title and what stories will top these? Tune in next time on Story Warz.

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This summary skips all ads and sponsor breaks, focusing solely on game content and comedic gems.

Transcript

[Greg Stone]

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[Louis J. Gomez]

Experian Skank Fest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy, fighting, music and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Hey, Story warriors, before we start the show, I want to let you know that we have some brand new [e-mail] the website's up and running and everything is in stock including the logo shirt, the Story warriors shirt, and of course our very, very popular double point shirt.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

We got some more hoodies coming soon to get ready for the fall. Do not forget, we're doing a special meet and greet at Skank Fest exclusively for fans who come in their official merch. So do not delay. Head on over to StoryWars merch.com to get your gear and rep the show you love.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's going on?

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Story warriors?

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun. Buck face.

[Louis J. Gomez]

New yorkcomedyclub.com Fill her up.

[Greg Stone]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Ryan Shaner]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story War with the Story Warriors.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J. Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

What is up? Welcome to Story Wars. Everybody make some fucking noise. Near New York City, would you please?

[Greg Stone]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Holy shit.

[Big J Okerson]

We're at our new home. I mean, our home now. At this point, the New York Comedy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Club sold out every Wednesday night. Get your tickets in advance, folks.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, we are sold out, everyone. We asked this at the beginning of Every show. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

How many people are not familiar with.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

The game Story Wars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What do you live under a rock, you jerk off?

[Big J Okerson]

Did you see him just sell his chick out? He went. It is a very, very simple game. We'll explain it if you're unfamiliar you. After we get our amazing panel up here. Lewis, you want to bring our first contestant? Sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Our first competitor, by the way, I think maybe since like the. The third or fourth show, this is the first time that we have three all new Story wars competitors. None of these people have played the game before. Very excited, very excited. Everyone is in for a treat tonight. Our first competitor making a Story wars debut. You know him from the end podcast. We love him here on all the.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Shows that we do on guest digital.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clap it up for Ryan Shaner.

[Big J Okerson]

Ryan Shayna.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Ryan.

[Big J Okerson]

Shayna. Ryan Shayna.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ryan Shayna. Ryan. Shayna. Ryan Shayna. Ryan Shayna.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Ryan Shayna. Ryan. Ryan Shayna.

[Big J Okerson]

Ryan.

[Ryan Shaner]

Ryan.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Sh.

[Big J Okerson]

He's a loose cannon.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Happy to have you on the show, Ryan. How you feeling?

[Ryan Shaner]

Thanks for having me, dude. I feel.

[Jason Ellis]

I'm.

[Ryan Shaner]

I feel the love in this room right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A lot of love.

[Big J Okerson]

How could you not? Our second contestant from the welcome to Talk Town podcast and his special Nobody presents Greg Stone. It is the hilarious Greg Stone in the house. Greg Stone. Greg Stone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And our last competitor. Yes, it's another white guy. Very excited about this. It's a completely all white male panel today. You know him as an MMA fighter, professional skateboarder, and the creator of Ellis Mania. Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for the great Jason Ellis.

[Big J Okerson]

Jason, great to have you here. My man.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Welcome to Story Wars.

[Big J Okerson]

All three of you for the first time, welcome to Story Wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys look like you're a hardcore band.

[Jason Ellis]

Who's the singer?

[Ryan Shaner]

Who's the singer?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

All right.

[Jason Ellis]

My bad. Definitely the bass player.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought Greg was the manager.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You gotta get my guys on and I'm definitely.

[Ryan Shaner]

The guy gets busted for child pornography later.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely.

[Jason Ellis]

I just quit the band.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

What the.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but it was on a hard drive that you found. It wasn't like, I should have thrown it out.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

But you didn't.

[Ryan Shaner]

Warp crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

If you are not familiar with the.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Game Story wars or is your first.

[Big J Okerson]

Time listening at home. It's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific topic. Tonight's topic, regrets.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Regret.

[Jason Ellis]

That's tough for me. This is gonna be tough because as you Guys know I don't have any regrets.

[Big J Okerson]

No regrets.

[Ryan Shaner]

Not a single one.

[Big J Okerson]

On your face, dude. Not a single one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One time I killed my tattoo artist with my bare hands.

[Jason Ellis]

That I would not regret.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, our lovely producer Alex is going to. Yeah, she's gonna read off eight of those stories one at a time. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody else that it is not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And every time you get story correctly.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You get two points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And for every person you fool when it is your story, you get one point. So if it's your story, you can get up to four points in that round, which is the biggest opportunity to. To get points. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board. Put the dry erase board in this little slot and remove your hands. That's it. You can't change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, this.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Game is so much fun. You guys are about to have more.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fun than you've ever had in any other podcast. But we are not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[Big J Okerson]

Every week here on Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner gets to take home you're in the wrong bathroom and 20 other myths and misconceptions about transgender and gender non conforming people by Laura Exon Schroff, M.D. and Laura A. Jacobs, LCSW R. You're in the wrong Bathroom is a comprehensive guide that debunks 21 core myths about transgender and gender non conforming people. Authored by a psychiatrist and a therapist, the book uses clinical and lived expertise to address common misunderstandings about identity and health and is designed to be accessible. No jargon resource to correct pervasive social and political misinformation surrounding transgender issues. Whoa.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Whoo.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Man, I feel good. Does this audience feel good? Are you guys ready for war? Are you guys ready for war? With no further ado, Alexandra, story number one.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number one. I got an inhaler stuck in a woman's vagina and had to take her to the ER I just hear it.

[Big J Okerson]

In an Australian voice.

[Jason Ellis]

An inhaler.

[Big J Okerson]

But he doesn't strike me as the asthma type.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

No.

[Jason Ellis]

Everything else about that story makes sense.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

To you though, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Except the asthma.

[Ryan Shaner]

I don't think it was his inhaler.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Oh.

[Big J Okerson]

She was like, I'm having an asthma attack. Give me my inhaler you do it.

[Ryan Shaner]

Breathe in.

[Big J Okerson]

It's like how the toilets go the other direction. You inhale through your pussy.

[Ryan Shaner]

It's hemispherical.

[Greg Stone]

It's going down under.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Oh, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry.

[Greg Stone]

I'm sorry. I don't.

[Jason Ellis]

Have at it, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Greg is terrified of Jason.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Greg Stone]

I'm really. Whatever you want me to do. Whatever you want me to do.

[Big J Okerson]

He just keeps apologizing.

[Greg Stone]

Let's do a look over here.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, Big J. Yeah, I think it's Jason. Unless he doesn't want that. Yeah, yeah, whatever. You shaner just punch Shader in the face.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I mean, if I'm.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no offense, Greg. You are the biggest dweeb on this panel right now. No, you're a great dude. He's a great. But I.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Let me ask you a question.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you. Do you have asthma?

[Greg Stone]

I 100 have asthma.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow, 100. Now, just so you know, you can lie, you could just say, no, you don't have asthma.

[Ryan Shaner]

All right, well, as soon as this story started, I heard him going, yes, sure.

[Greg Stone]

I 100 as have asthma. But what chance do you think I would ever have of putting my inhaler into a woman's vagina?

[Ryan Shaner]

It's because I don't think you know what to do with your dick, dude. That's why I think you're like, I'm.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gonna put this fucking dick. She's gonna like it. I just realized that when my penis is 75% erect, it's the exact of an inhaler. Not all the way. It gets bigger if it's all the way erect.

[Greg Stone]

I mean, this is definitely a big J story. I mean, without a doubt. I could see. I mean, you're the sexual. You're the sexual man in the group, you know, like you've been to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's the sexual man. You guys don't see that your mind.

[Big J Okerson]

Look at him.

[Ryan Shaner]

Look at him.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, I can see him look at.

[Greg Stone]

You and then look at him. That's a sexual man.

[Jason Ellis]

Maybe take a double take on me. Seriously, I want to.

[Greg Stone]

That. I mean, I'll you if you want me to. I'm really scared. But that's the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's the.

[Greg Stone]

That man's been the place, I think.

[Ryan Shaner]

You don't think so?

[Big J Okerson]

I can't believe you don't look at Jason. See pure sexual energy. The guy's built the hard.

[Greg Stone]

I know.

[Ryan Shaner]

Thank you, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

I appreciate that.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I picture it's like a. Just a steady motion until she's like, no moss. And then he comes on Cue.

[Jason Ellis]

Sometimes I. I have one of those on me just in case they die. I bring them back to lifestyle and keep them. That's right, Jason.

[Big J Okerson]

With the utility belts, like, it's like Narcan. It's just everything that brings somebody back to life.

[Jason Ellis]

Like Batman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's got the. The two little pedals. Clear.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Clear.

[Jason Ellis]

Man, they call me Jason.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you thinking here? I see you, I see the wheels turning right now.

[Jason Ellis]

I think it's you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're an.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't think you're an asthma guy, but I think if a chick had that, you'd be like, what would it look like in your.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have shoved some questionable things inside of women.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I really have.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis would, in his prime, would go for it hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm currently in my prime, you piece of.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you know what I'm saying?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've never been better than I am today.

[Big J Okerson]

Your prime creep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my prime Creek.

[Big J Okerson]

Your prime young creeps.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Pretty creepy.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shaner, do you have asthma?

[Ryan Shaner]

No, no, no. And even if I did, I wouldn't be putting a plastic in some dude. I'd be putting my dick in there.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Greg Stone]

Hell yeah, dog.

[Ryan Shaner]

I wouldn't be gay like these two gays.

[Jason Ellis]

Hey, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. When I use it, it's called. When I use mine, it's called a microplastic.

[Ryan Shaner]

No, I mean, if. If it had to come down between two. Honestly, I. Greg, I'm sorry.

[Greg Stone]

Really?

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Greg Stone]

Dude, I'm so happy about this.

[Ryan Shaner]

You definitely.

[Greg Stone]

I'm really happy, you guys.

[Ryan Shaner]

You definitely look like the type of guy who. And then sticks himself with an EpiPen afterwards.

[Greg Stone]

What we talk about before the show, we were gonna be real nice to each other.

[Ryan Shaner]

Look, man, I'm just kidding. I just. I. I just started talking.

[Greg Stone]

This dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Good dude.

[Ryan Shaner]

But definitely wild.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, I mean, that's definitely true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Greg's wife is Asian as well. That is another.

[Big J Okerson]

It means they have small. That would hold an inhaler inside, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, oh, he shoved it in sideways.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm saying I got to assume what happened is it did the old. It anchored itself like. I assume it went in and then upon, like, you know, like, hey, I guess. I don't know. Try to queef it out or I'm going to go two finger turned on him and became like a T bar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, how fun would it be to actually hit it when it's in her? That's fun.

[Jason Ellis]

That'.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you go like this. You go in her pussy and pushing her belly button.

[Greg Stone]

That would be so sad.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God, dude, that would Open you up. Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My instinct says Greg Stone. I'm going to get the voting going right now. I say this is Greg. So no offense Greg, but you got a little bit of a nerd vibe. You do have asthma and you have an Asian girlfriend with a tiny little vagina.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going with my first.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going.

[Big J Okerson]

My first instinct here.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Please.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

And sing Jason Ellis.

[Jason Ellis]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

I think the guy parties. The girl has breathing issues. I don't think he draws lines.

[Jason Ellis]

If I was gonna. I would want to see if I.

[Big J Okerson]

You.

[Jason Ellis]

I'll pump it in your mouth and see if I can suck it out of your ass.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't get enough questions. You don't get enough credit.

[Jason Ellis]

Am I an asthmatic?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Greg Stone. All right, you can put it up there. Please put it up when you're ready. Greg Stone votes for Big J Okerson. Officially. So why do you think it's big?

[Big J Okerson]

It's Greg.

[Greg Stone]

Because. No, because Big J. I told. I heard tell one of the greatest sexual stories about like coming on his face and falling on the ground with a belt and a pants.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a bad story.

[Ryan Shaner]

No, this is why it might be him. Dude. He doesn't.

[Jason Ellis]

Depends on who you're telling.

[Greg Stone]

No to me. That's the. That's a. One of the great stories of fucking a woman and smashing your face in the ground.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Here.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Greg Stone]

You're a sexual beast. I know it. Game knows game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shannon, what are you thinking here? Me? Oh my God.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah.

[Ryan Shaner]

You were so quick to say Greg and write it down. Also I hate Puerto Ricans. It's fucking.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh yeah. Shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're here. Here, here.

[Ryan Shaner]

It's like they're here.

[Big J Okerson]

It's probably going to end.

[Ryan Shaner]

Double edged thing. You were so quick to accuse. I was like that Puerto snake. Ey. Him too.

[Greg Stone]

Definitely Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

Fair. Fair reason.

[Jason Ellis]

I didn't realize. I think I hate Puerto Ricans too.

[Ryan Shaner]

Wait, did you. Can you say that again with an Australian accent?

[Jason Ellis]

I hate Puerto Ricans.

[Ryan Shaner]

I hate. I think I hate them.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just so easy to do right.

[Greg Stone]

This so hatable.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to our half of our front row. I apologize.

[Big J Okerson]

It's crazy. You guys seem.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a crazy way to be.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's not your fault. It's his fault. It's his thing for making us think that you guys are going to behave like this. You guys are cool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason Ellis puts his official vote down.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, I reckon it's you like I know you don't an asthmatic guy But I feel like Louis drunk, and the lady's like, look, I'm an asthmatic. And you'd be like, you know, it'd be funny.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me push this all the way inside of you. Yeah, maybe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, we'll see, guys. And also, I will say, if it was me, I wouldn't take her to the er.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I would kill her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am Puerto Rican. Classic.

[Big J Okerson]

I wouldn't take the er. I would be like, I could get it out. Give me a couple more tries.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in who. Whose story is story number one.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number one belongs to Greg Stone.

[Ryan Shaner]

Ah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What did I say? Virgin Dor.

[Greg Stone]

Call me Al. Butyrol, baby.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

So, Greg, what.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What happened? Who is this woman?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

First of all, how did you get.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A suck in her pussy?

[Greg Stone]

Ninth grade.

[Ryan Shaner]

Hell, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Opening up.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Yes.

[Greg Stone]

Early ninth grade.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, she was in the ninth grade. You were 30.

[Greg Stone]

I was 35 years old. Grabbed her off the school bus.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

What are you.

[Ryan Shaner]

Do it later?

[Greg Stone]

We were cooking after school, right? And I was finger. We didn't want to fuck yet because we were very, very young. And she was like. I was like, fingering her and stuff, or whatever. And I was like, ah. You know. And she was like, grab something, put something in.

[Jason Ellis]

Get you.

[Greg Stone]

I was like, I don't know. I freaked out. And I had my inhaler, but the inhaler has two pieces, the plastic piece and the metal insert.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah.

[Greg Stone]

So I'm being alert to.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

She goes, yeah.

[Greg Stone]

She goes, fuck me with that. And I went, okay. I put it in.

[Jason Ellis]

And you got her number?

[Greg Stone]

Oh, yeah, I'll send it to you. She's a dirty girl anyway.

[Ryan Shaner]

She's. She's dirty because she's dead. She's in the dirt, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

They never could quite get that inhaler. Weirdly, she died from toxic shock.

[Greg Stone]

She can stay underwater for, like, nine hours. I don't know how, but I put it. I go. I put it in, and I swear to God, it went. It just went in.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yes.

[Greg Stone]

And I was holding on to it too, like, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And it was like, literally inhaled it.

[Greg Stone]

Inhaled it.

[Jason Ellis]

Yes, I've seen that.

[Big J Okerson]

What a look of warning. He was like, he's not fucking around.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

That could happen.

[Ryan Shaner]

Danger goes in.

[Greg Stone]

I'm like, what the fuck? She goes to the bathroom, nothing's coming out. I was like, we gotta. She said, we gotta go to the hospital now. Here's the thing. We had to go to the ER that my mom worked at.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. You tell me the story was hot.

[Big J Okerson]

Kidding you on your bike And I.

[Greg Stone]

Was like, there's other hot. I was like, we go to the other. She's like, no, we need to go to the closest one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm freaking out.

[Greg Stone]

I was like, okay. We. We got on the bus, went to the er.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh my God. She was sitting on the. But she was sitting on an inhaler.

[Greg Stone]

Oh, yeah. That's why you see people on train. You don't know what they're going through.

[Big J Okerson]

She should have been strap hanging for that, right?

[Greg Stone]

We get, we get there. The triage nurse was my mom's best friend. I walk up, I'm like, hi, I'm here. She goes into the bathroom and she, you know, I don't want to say her name, but she was like, oh, like, greg, what are you doing here? You know? And my girlfriend, she comes out of the bathroom, she goes, it's out. And I was like, holy shit. And I looked at st on the lady, the nurse, and I was like.

[Big J Okerson]

I was like.

[Greg Stone]

I was like, oh, I'm good. I was just seeing if my mom was working. And she was like, no, she's off. I was like, I'll see you later. And we left because all she had to do was relax. She relaxed and it came out.

[Big J Okerson]

I queefed it out. Dude, that's my cue.

[Jason Ellis]

Bye.

[Ryan Shaner]

Weirdly enough, that is what they say when you're having an asthma attack as well.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just relax.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, relax.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great story. Greg Stone. Clap it up.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

What a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What a fun story. We're talking about putting together a story wars book of the best stories next year. That's a contender right there.

[Greg Stone]

I love it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at after our first story?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

All right, on the board, in second place with two points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've been having a hard time. I have not been winning. I have a lot of wins, but I've been falling behind in the past few weeks episodes. So I like coming out in the lead.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

All right, Alex.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, there's more.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

You're in second place.

[Big J Okerson]

Second place.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I thought I was in first place.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In first place with three points, Greg Stone.

[Ryan Shaner]

Hell yeah.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Okay, story warriors, time to talk about one of our brand new sponsors, which is Mint Mobile. Now look, if Ryan Reynolds hasn't talked you into switching to Mint Mobile, we're about to. Because Mint Mobile is The bomb. The bomb.com as I just made up premium wireless for just 15 bucks a month. That's really, really inexpensive so you can spend your hard earned money on other things like trying to collect all the books from the story wars library.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I'm feeling defeated right now, though, because I'm thinking, if Deadpool can't get them, how the hell are we going to?

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I mean, I'll try snarky and just fun. What a fun character. What do we.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I'll try my absolute best.

[Big J Okerson]

All the plans come with high speed data.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I'm just going to lay actual factuals on you. High speed data, unlimited talk and text delivered to you on the nation's largest 5G network. You're going to keep getting the quality you know and love, but a very, very seriously lower price tag.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ready to say yes to saying no?

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Then make the switch today@mint mobile.com wars w a r z that is mintmobile.com wars upfront payment of $45 is required, equivalent to 15 doll. Limited time new customers offer for the first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number two.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number two. I farted on some food that my friend had ordered, which he willingly ate out of spite.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He then got us at the beginning of a limerick. I farted on a. I farted on food that my friend ordered, which he willingly ate out of spite. Bite. Good. Sorry.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

I farted on food that my friend had ordered, which he willingly ate out of spite. He then got a severe stomach flu and passed it to his girlfriend, who broke up with him over it.

[Greg Stone]

Oh, my God.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

My girlfriend, who was her friend, broke up with me as well, calling me, quote, the grossest piece of shit she's ever met.

[Jason Ellis]

That's crazy. I have a similar story, but it was chlamydia.

[Big J Okerson]

My early pick on this one is Shaner. I don't know why. And only it farted on food. I don't know why. I feel like fart on food.

[Ryan Shaner]

Wow, that's fucked up, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

It doesn't.

[Greg Stone]

It's.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's. If it's for no other reason than just your mustache.

[Ryan Shaner]

If there's anybody who looks like for the fart on food, it's you, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it looks like I eat farted on food. I wait on. I fart on the food and everybody. And I go, oh, gross.

[Greg Stone]

Right?

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody leaves and I go, oh, they left it all for me.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Nice.

[Big J Okerson]

You could blow a fart off of food.

[Jason Ellis]

Right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a. It's a long story.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah. Which, you know, I'm kind of having trouble.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm sort of leaning towards Shaner as well. You're from Philly, dude. Philly People are absolute pieces of like, right. Low class, low grade. They, you know. And honestly, who knows if it was that or if it was just a shitty Philly cheesesteak that gave them the summer.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Whoa.

[Big J Okerson]

No such thing, bruh.

[Ryan Shaner]

You think I'm gonna fart on cheesesteak? Cheesesteak is 90 farts as is, dude. You think I'm gonna waste a fart on cheesesteak?

[Jason Ellis]

Grow up.

[Big J Okerson]

What an idiot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What a farting on your friend's food is a great prank.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna spend time in Philly with dumb like that.

[Jason Ellis]

God damn.

[Greg Stone]

See, I would think my mind went to Shaner and. But because Lewis would do something way worse than farted. Like you'd shove it up, like shove it in her.

[Big J Okerson]

You piece of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You scumbag.

[Big J Okerson]

How dare you big.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You nearly killed the child.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, I go back this not even had asthma. She was in ninth grade and he showed I have this and she goes me with it. It's just so little.

[Greg Stone]

No, it was a big one.

[Big J Okerson]

A huge inhaler.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, it was like that. It's a big old.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like a little guy.

[Jason Ellis]

You gotta.

[Big J Okerson]

You have to with it like that. Yeah, you want to somebody with something you gotta. You can get a grip on. I was in ninth grade.

[Greg Stone]

I didn't know the ins and outs.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, they didn't teach you about Tor?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason is being very quiet.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, that's also.

[Jason Ellis]

I mean, I'm being really quiet. I'm just letting everybody roll their out. This shiny guy, the first thing he said was like, that is disgusting. Which means he did it.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, it's you.

[Jason Ellis]

He's the first person to make a comment as soon as that story. He's like, oh my God. Who would do such a thing?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Did I do.

[Jason Ellis]

You did it.

[Ryan Shaner]

Did I do that?

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, it's you, you son of a bitch.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah, it's.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, it wasn't you.

[Ryan Shaner]

It was.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

What?

[Jason Ellis]

It was Shaner.

[Greg Stone]

It was Shaner. Shaner, buddy.

[Big J Okerson]

Fuck Shaner.

[Ryan Shaner]

I really love.

[Jason Ellis]

A bitch.

[Ryan Shaner]

Or maybe somebody.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me say I see this as possibly being the world of professional skateboarding. A bunch of gross hot boys who are gross all the time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like Australian jackass shit. Yeah, so it's like they call it jack arse.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, fucking. You fucking crack a rat on some guy's vegemite sandwich?

[Jason Ellis]

Motherfucker.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not arse ar.

[Jason Ellis]

Scrub the poop dick. We may need. We're not fucking pirates.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's.

[Jason Ellis]

It's close, but we're not.

[Ryan Shaner]

This has very cky vibes to it, dude. Oh, my God.

[Big J Okerson]

Fucking.

[Jason Ellis]

I hate where I'm from right now so much. I don't even live there, you guys, man. I moved here. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

America.

[Jason Ellis]

I got two American kids because I an American pussy. Fuck off.

[Greg Stone]

Hell yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Usa. Usa.

[Big J Okerson]

Usa. Usa.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, next, over to the Puerto Ricans. Usas.

[Greg Stone]

That was good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am. I'm getting major Ellis vibes right now, Jason.

[Jason Ellis]

I'm finding this really offensive, man. I like. That's childish. I don't fucking shit on people's food.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason, listen, the first time we all heard of you, you were shoving 180 M M's in the fuck in your dick helmet for Howard Stern.

[Jason Ellis]

That was to be famous.

[Big J Okerson]

What? That was to me, it wasn't Howard Stern. It was on Howard Stern. That's how I got on the Howard.

[Jason Ellis]

Stern show, You know, he did. He was like, I don't give a who that dude is. And I was like, I bet you I could put more M M's in my foreskin than you.

[Big J Okerson]

Whatever, dickhead.

[Jason Ellis]

And he was like, all right, you're on the show. And then my show became huge. So, you guys, I'm brilliant. That was a power move.

[Big J Okerson]

You do it again if you had to.

[Jason Ellis]

I'll do right now if I had to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason looks like Bam Bam Bigelow on oic.

[Jason Ellis]

He's American, though, so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah.

[Ryan Shaner]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I am crushing today.

[Big J Okerson]

Let other people say it. I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, you're gonna get the voting going.

[Big J Okerson]

I think I'm gonna get the man. I really think we all started going over to Jason and. And really ignoring that this strongly is probably Shaner.

[Greg Stone]

I know it's hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just hear the. The grossest piece of I've ever met screams Shaner. That's the only part of that. That's the only part. This is.

[Ryan Shaner]

You just heard about a guy who's shoving M&M's in his foreskin to be famous. Now, what's stopping him from farting on a sandwich to be famous?

[Big J Okerson]

This scene. Shaner also used to have, like, long hair and shit. And like, the. Yeah, this is Shane.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I'm going.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll start it. I'll start it off.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yes, indeed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J puts down Shaner, makes it official, removes his hand. All right, His.

[Greg Stone]

Alex, do you have another pen?

[Jason Ellis]

You could use mine, but you better fucking give it back.

[Greg Stone]

I'm not gonna.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah, whatever you want.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't. Don't shove it inside of a teenager, Greg.

[Big J Okerson]

Look at that huge marker.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

All right, I'm going with my instincts today.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason Ellis is my answer you're an idiot. We've met. I see he wrote down Shane. Wrote down Shaner, but he had in parentheses Jason with an arrow pointing to J.

[Greg Stone]

Shaner. Totally, man. Piece of.

[Ryan Shaner]

This is wild.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude.

[Ryan Shaner]

You better watch your ass. You're gonna get a asthma inhaler.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Your.

[Ryan Shaner]

Dude, you better watch it.

[Greg Stone]

Dude.

[Jason Ellis]

Jason, I'll kick you in the ass so hard it'll turn into a. So this is how I would spell it if I was a stranger.

[Louis J. Gomez]

China.

[Ryan Shaner]

When you put it like that, it does make me seem like a piece of.

[Jason Ellis]

Honestly, I'm telling you.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, shit.

[Jason Ellis]

I thought it was a legion of skanks thing all the way through. Like, oh, f. They the ones like watch me eat it. I don't care that. Oh, thank everybody's got pink eye or whatever. That makes sense. But the first thing that came out of his mouth before anyone said anything, that is absolutely disgusting. And I was like, you did it.

[Big J Okerson]

You're full of.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't even remember saying we played poker. You would lose.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Amount. The amount of. The amount of energy. Energy that Jason's putting into this right now is making me realize that it's not.

[Big J Okerson]

It could be him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I don't think it is.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't know.

[Jason Ellis]

I'm on steroids, right? And they're working, baby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And this is why we will not be fighting bare knuckle.

[Jason Ellis]

You don't want to fight me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He challenged me to a bare knuckle fight for bkfc. I was like, no fucking way, you lunatic.

[Jason Ellis]

What are you talking about, man? That's living.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's insane.

[Jason Ellis]

That's fucking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah, man.

[Ryan Shaner]

You want to fight?

[Jason Ellis]

Let's fucking go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I need 35 ounce gloves broken.

[Ryan Shaner]

Nah, dude, that's otherwise. Don't play.

[Jason Ellis]

Don't fucking tickle people with your fighting.

[Big J Okerson]

Bullshit to the death.

[Jason Ellis]

Otherwise shut the fuck up.

[Big J Okerson]

If he's right, dude, you are a fucking pussy. It's crazy. I never even like, noticed it before what a fucking poon you are. Oh, yeah. Drink it away, you queef.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow, Alex, two rounds down. All of our answers are in who. Whose story is number two.

[Big J Okerson]

That was uncomfortable.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number two belongs to Ryan Shaner.

[Ryan Shaner]

Oh, I guess that was too close to the vest for most people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, Shaner, what. What happened here? Whose friend was this?

[Ryan Shaner]

This is my friend, my buddy Shahn. Was it my buddy Sean.

[Big J Okerson]

He.

[Ryan Shaner]

We were at a party. We were getting really up drinking, and Sean took it upon himself to leave the room and order pizza by himself without consulting anyone in the room at all. Didn't ask if anybody wanted anything to eat, and he comes upstairs with a stromboli and starts eating it in front of all of us.

[Greg Stone]

You disgrace the stromboli.

[Ryan Shaner]

What's a.

[Jason Ellis]

What's a stromboli?

[Greg Stone]

Oh, you'll find it after the show. I'll take you to best stromboli in New York City.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no such thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's Philadelphia.

[Ryan Shaner]

I was gonna say he's trying to.

[Greg Stone]

Philadelphia. That's not true.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's not a Philadelphia thing.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

But they're good in Philadelphia.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're gonna have better stromboli in New York. The best Italian food in the world.

[Big J Okerson]

You always hear just pepperoni, cheese rolls, basically.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Shut up.

[Big J Okerson]

They do it differently.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Philly sucks. If they bomb Philly tomorrow, everyone will.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Be better for it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a city.

[Ryan Shaner]

Know you know how your story's not good when everyone just starts talking about good food is when you try and.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Anyway, talk about, sorry, Shannon, you should. You should on your friend's pizza.

[Ryan Shaner]

So basically, I. I pulled like. He left the room, and Jogan was like, yo, I'm gonna spray fart all over this. And I didn't think it was gonna be like, a wet fart.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You did spray fart.

[Ryan Shaner]

Bare ass fart.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bare ass fart.

[Ryan Shaner]

So when I did it, I, like, was joking, but my buddy Charlie was like, yo, man, I think shit got all over that stombo. And I was like, like, no way. And then he's like, no, dude, I think it did. And I was like, it's fine. So then I wiped it into the stromboli.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, you. You embedded it even further.

[Ryan Shaner]

So then my buddy Sean comes back and he starts eating. And then we did that thing where, like, we're like.

[Greg Stone]

And you judged me for an inhaler?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You judged me.

[Greg Stone]

You.

[Jason Ellis]

On a pizza.

[Ryan Shaner]

First off, it was particles of. You got a whole foreign object.

[Greg Stone]

It was half the inhaler.

[Ryan Shaner]

Ninth grader's pussy.

[Greg Stone]

You mean. I was in ninth grade. We were equal.

[Big J Okerson]

Doesn't make it right, does it?

[Greg Stone]

But it does make it cool.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, it was sick.

[Big J Okerson]

Does make it copacetic.

[Ryan Shaner]

But he did end up eating. So he starts eating. We're all kind of laughing, and then, like, halfway through, he's like, what? And then I was like, yo, I farted all over that stromboli. He was like, yeah, fuck you.

[Greg Stone]

You're gay, dude.

[Ryan Shaner]

You didn't do that. And I was like, no, I totally did. Everyone cooperated, and he still ate it. Just like, yo, fuck you. Think I give a fuck about farts on my stromboli?

[Greg Stone]

Dude, that is toxic masculinity.

[Ryan Shaner]

I leave.

[Big J Okerson]

You didn't give him the whole thing? Like, I also rubbed in. No, I just said, okay, okay.

[Ryan Shaner]

So then I leave, and then, like, two days later, he's like, yo, dude, I think I'm gonna fucking die. I don't know what's going on with me. He's like, I gotta meet up with Kim later. I don't know what to do. I'm like, yo, it's like, it could be anything, dude. Like, don't worry about it. Everything's cool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He ate a stromboli.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a great joke, folks.

[Jason Ellis]

You want some of my steroids?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry, Shader. Continue.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Holy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What is he writing?

[Greg Stone]

I'd like to formally apologize for thinking it was you. Formally.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's been, like.

[Jason Ellis]

It's a bit late.

[Ryan Shaner]

But I met him. That's what I. I meant. No.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

And everybody got.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what, man?

[Greg Stone]

I really thought we were gonna bond this show. I really thought this was our time.

[Jason Ellis]

Either way.

[Ryan Shaner]

So he ends up. He ends up going, I have to finish it. So he ends up going to see Kim, and they. And then later, Kim ends up getting the same stomach flu that he gets, who then has the miss work, and she almost gets fired. Then she's like, why am I so sick? What happened? And then he jokes like, well, Shaner farted all over my stromboli, and I think I got sick from it. And she's like, you ate it? And he's like, well, I ate. Like, yeah, he said he did it, but I didn't believe he did. She's like, but you ate it after someone told you that? Shaner farted all over it. And he's like, yeah, I still ate it. It was like, $17. I'm gonna eat it. So they break up, and he's like calling me. He's like, dude, what the fuck? Kim broke up with me. And she says she's so fucking pissed. I was like, yeah, dude, I'm really sorry. I didn't think that my fart was gonna fuck up up so much of your relationship. And then two days later, I got a phone call from my girlfriend Meg at the time, who was her best friend. And she was like, you are the grossest piece of I ever met in my entire life. How could you get Kim sick? She almost lost the job. And I was like, you don't understand. This guy ordered food without telling anybody.

[Big J Okerson]

Punishment did fit the crime.

[Ryan Shaner]

I honestly think so. And this to this day, like, I keep bringing it up. He's like, yeah, dude, I shouldn't have done that. But you should have almost ruined my whole life.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah. I don't know, dude. You're like, patient.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Greg Stone]

Patient zero.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, what we doing two rounds down, Alex, give us our points.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

All right. Tied for fifth place with two points each. Lewis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson, Ryan Shaner, and Jason Ellis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's tied for second place. You.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no.

[Greg Stone]

You could do that if there's a couple of people, but when it's like a race or something, so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, there's first. If there's one person in the first place, then everyone else four people.

[Greg Stone]

And if there's four people in second place. It's not everyone in second.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it is.

[Jason Ellis]

Dude, who cares? I know what trans people should go.

[Big J Okerson]

In the boxing game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And she knows.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, she was. She was saying, all right, there's first.

[Greg Stone]

Place and everybody else.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we're all. It's not first.

[Greg Stone]

And second place is deceptive.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tied for deadly.

[Greg Stone]

Fun. Fun.

[Ryan Shaner]

How do you like those apples?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're both getting your pay dock this week. I swear to God you will far.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

I'll take it from the. Tied for last place with two points each. Lewis J. Gomez, Big J. Oson, Ryan Shaner, and Jason Ellis. And in the lead with three points, Greg Stone.

[Big J Okerson]

It's heating up, Alex.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Story number three.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number three. I had sex with someone who I thought was Sandra Bullock.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, this has to be Ellis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It has to be. He just saw Speed.

[Jason Ellis]

Fuck you, man.

[Big J Okerson]

I would never get to sex part with anybody not knowing it was or was not Sandra Bullock.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's.

[Jason Ellis]

That's a pretty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's fair.

[Jason Ellis]

Wow.

[Ryan Shaner]

That is a. That's the most.

[Big J Okerson]

Those I would. I've never finished and been like, wow, who was that?

[Jason Ellis]

That's crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely.

[Jason Ellis]

Absolutely. You haven't lived, dude.

[Ryan Shaner]

Come on.

[Jason Ellis]

Absolutely.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah. All questions are answered before I even get bed.

[Ryan Shaner]

Did you guys see that?

[Big J Okerson]

Who the was that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Was that Sandra Bullock?

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, I know everything about that lady. It's been four weeks before I had sex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was that the.

[Big J Okerson]

From devilish man from meeting the so fast. You're not sure if it was Sandra Bullock.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason's been famous for a long time. He's had tons of celebrities on his show. He goes to parties. He's. He bangs hot.

[Big J Okerson]

Monster.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Monster.

[Big J Okerson]

God.

[Jason Ellis]

I'm out of here. Off.

[Big J Okerson]

Why are to be mad about that? Why is everybody I know who's got a monster when I go, yo, they got A monster goes, go. Dude, can I please. Enough of that. Yeah, all right.

[Greg Stone]

All right.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just watch. I just watched Jason's girlfriend walk in here limping. She was like. Like she was shot in her hip.

[Greg Stone]

And she looked like Sandra Bullock.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Ryan Shaner]

She does all right.

[Big J Okerson]

Holy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She.

[Jason Ellis]

Wait, she's not.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, guys, is this Sandra Bullock over my shoulder?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason, at this point, it. It is. It is your job to prove that this is not. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone is convinced that it is real.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I.

[Jason Ellis]

If I. Sandra Bullock, it would be Sandra Bullock.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, agreed.

[Jason Ellis]

You guys, man, she.

[Ryan Shaner]

She.

[Jason Ellis]

That other racist looking guy. So I'm right. I'm right in there.

[Big J Okerson]

Jesse James. Yeah. You could have gone Sandra Bullock.

[Ryan Shaner]

I totally forgot about that.

[Jason Ellis]

I'll say this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's a big tattooed guy, right?

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

See? Yeah.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're saying it's you.

[Big J Okerson]

He'S saying.

[Jason Ellis]

No, this person. This person said. Said that it's not Sandra Bullock. Right?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

He could have.

[Greg Stone]

I've never been more confused in my life.

[Jason Ellis]

Wait, what does it say? I had sex with you who I thought was Sandra.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did not not have sex with someone who was not. Not Sandra Bullock. I don't understand.

[Big J Okerson]

No one's even semi guessing it's Greg.

[Greg Stone]

I know.

[Ryan Shaner]

Well, because if it.

[Big J Okerson]

What's that about?

[Greg Stone]

I can tell you why, because if it was. If it was me, it would say, thought I had. It was Sandra Bullock, but it was an Asian. Asian massage. I. It up.

[Ryan Shaner]

You get it.

[Greg Stone]

You get it. Something Asian massage. Something I paid for it. Something.

[Jason Ellis]

You get it. It was a guy.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, he's just some dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Was that Samuel Bullock?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Samuel Bullock.

[Ryan Shaner]

Samuel Bullock. It was my substitute teacher in seventh grade.

[Greg Stone]

She was the cop from Batman and.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look, we're just sort of wasting time here. Everyone is going to vote for Jason. There's no way. I mean, Louis, you drink a lot.

[Big J Okerson]

He sure does. He sure does. He sure does.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, Greg. Are you an idiot?

[Greg Stone]

Well, you're. I must say this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You forgot the J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you an idiot?

[Greg Stone]

All right. The J is silent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wish he was.

[Greg Stone]

That was good.

[Big J Okerson]

If I was silent, this network crumbled.

[Jason Ellis]

This is.

[Greg Stone]

We gotta cover our bases. And because you were so, so hard on him. And you. Every woman in comedy. I. Everyone.

[Big J Okerson]

None of them. None of them look like Sandra Bullock.

[Jason Ellis]

Not one of them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude.

[Greg Stone]

Ah, you're right. Let me, Let me.

[Ryan Shaner]

It's on.

[Jason Ellis]

Hey, I'm keeping it.

[Greg Stone]

But it was for comedic effect.

[Jason Ellis]

A couple of them look like they ate Sandra.

[Ryan Shaner]

Bull it.

[Big J Okerson]

Judy Gold. Ew.

[Louis J. Gomez]

E. I mean, I Would.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Would, did.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in Alex, whose story was story number three.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number three belongs to Jason.

[Jason Ellis]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What happened here, Jason? Who was this poor girl that you destroyed?

[Jason Ellis]

It was the night that Tony hawk made the 900.

[Greg Stone]

Oh, it's a big night for all of us.

[Jason Ellis]

It was in San Francisco, and the day that he did that was the day that we all became cool like, he did the 900. And everyone was like, you're a pro skateboarder. I was like, matter of fact, I am. Do you know Tony Hawk? Matter of fact, yes, I do. So anything's possible, you know? And I was at an after party, and Sandra Bullock and this other hot chick were at the bar. And I'm like, fuck off. Sandra Bullock is at the bar. I'm like, fuck it, dude. Tony hawk made the 900. I'm friends with Tony Hawk. I'm going in, and I'm like, hey, how's it going? She's like, good.

[Greg Stone]

Can I get you a drink?

[Jason Ellis]

And I'm like, fuck off.

[Greg Stone]

Yes, you can.

[Jason Ellis]

So now I'm doing a lot of. I'm drinking a lot, and my other pro skateboarder friend comes up, and he looks at me and go.

[Greg Stone]

Goes.

[Jason Ellis]

Because he thinks it's Sandra Bullock as well.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So this was never Sandra Bullock?

[Greg Stone]

No.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Oh, I thought you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought you were talking to real Sandra Bullock.

[Big J Okerson]

We thought we were.

[Ryan Shaner]

No, no, no, Let.

[Jason Ellis]

Let me finish.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead.

[Jason Ellis]

We thought we were.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what you said to Sandra Bullock.

[Big J Okerson]

You were treating her with the reference of Sandra Bullock.

[Jason Ellis]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Shaner]

And we.

[Jason Ellis]

We. I should have known when she was like, do you want to go to our room and do cocaine? You're like, probably.

[Ryan Shaner]

That's what I. Dude, me and my friend went, holy. Bullock gets down like that.

[Jason Ellis]

Like, dude, it's on.

[Big J Okerson]

You going to the other one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll.

[Jason Ellis]

The other one. Dude, I can't believe you're going to Sandra Bullock. I'm like, I can't believe I'm going to Sandra Bullock.

[Big J Okerson]

I know I'm Sandra Bullock, but can I do coke off both your dicks?

[Ryan Shaner]

Everyone does know she's a fiend for speed.

[Big J Okerson]

I was going to do that one.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Stone]

Damn it.

[Jason Ellis]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Trying to.

[Jason Ellis]

That's. That's what I. That's what we thought.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also, she's got a huge nose. She would do all of the coke, right?

[Jason Ellis]

And this chick did a lot of the coke, so it all made sense. But I fuck her, and we're doing coke, and we're hanging out, and then we're out. It's all night in this room, and then it's the sun comes up and there's a curtain, and somebody moved the curtain and she was on the bed and we were over here doing lines, and the sun went through the curtain and hit her face.

[Greg Stone]

And I went, oh, fuck.

[Ryan Shaner]

It'S not Sandra Pollock.

[Jason Ellis]

It's like someone that is not as hot as her either. And I look over at my friend, and my friend, we don't say one word to each other. I go, oh, my God, it's not her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He thought it was fucking Kim Basinger.

[Jason Ellis]

She's not that hot. And I look over at him and he's like, it's not her. And he looks at me and I.

[Big J Okerson]

Thought, sandra Bullock did all our coke.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

But we both couldn't say words because we didn't want to be disrespectful to not Sandra Bullock. So he goes, oh, my God. And I'm like, oh, my God, what?

[Greg Stone]

We should go. I'm like, yeah, we should go.

[Jason Ellis]

It's not her. And then it turned out that she was the daughter of, like, the guy that, like, oh.

[Greg Stone]

Go on.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You're.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just witnessed somebody starting to say something he regretted saying.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, regrets.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, wait, regrets. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah. That's why it made sense because I, first of all, I regret that it wasn't her. And then I also regret. Well, I don't regret this bit. It turns out that the her dad owned X Games Google, and he was Malcolm X. And he was a dick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Jason Ellis]

And he was a dick to us all.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Zing.

[Jason Ellis]

Gotcha.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that is awesome. Fucking the daughter of your enemy has to feel great. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. Great story, Jason. That also might make the book. What a great story. Three stories down, where are our points at?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

All right, tied for last place with three points each, Greg Stone and Jason Ellis. And tied for the lead with four points each, Louis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson and Ryan Shaner.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, it is tight. Who's gonna take home you're in the wrong bathroom? Which systematically addresses fallacies across three key identity, sex and relationships, health and safety, and history and community. Specific myths tackled include the idea that trans people are mentally ill or that having the surgery is required to be really trans. The authors ground their arguments in both current research and human experience to show the true diversity within the trans community. Everybody, you're in the wrong bathroom. 20 other myths and misconceptions about transgender and non gender non conforming people.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Okay, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank mando for supporting today's show, we love Mando Total body deodorant. Not just for your armpits anymore, but any little crack or crevice that you have on your body. It's gonna get stinky at one point. Especially if you're a fan of this show, you're probably a little fat. You're probably doing a lot of sitting down. Guess what? Mando's got you covered with incredible high quality deodorant. Whether it's spray, roll on or whatever else you guys like, they have have it.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Hey, you're disgusting. Fix it. Mando control sweat and odor for 72 hours. And after just 12 hours, underarm sweat is reduced by 92%. Come on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

They got awesome scents like Bourbon Leather Pro Sport, so you can smell incredible all day long. And their starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant cream tube deodorant. Two free products of your choice like mini body wash or Lewis's favorite favorite deodorant wipes for your beanbag.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Don't even have to shower anymore.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Free shipping. A full. You've come full Puerto Rican dude. As a special offer for our Story wars fans, new customers get 20 off site wide with our exclusive code W A R z [e-mail] for 20 off site wide plus free shipping. That's S-O-P-M-A-N--O.com. support the show. Tell them we sent you. Use that code wars with a Z at checkout for 20 off site wide. Say goodbye to sweat stains and hello to long lasting freshness with Mando. All right, let's get back into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Three stories down. It is a hot show, hot game, very close still. Alex, story number four.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number four. I was bit by a dog after trying to pet it through a fence where, regrettably, I did not read the beware of dog sign.

[Jason Ellis]

Nobody make a joke about how I can't read.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not fun. And again, by the way, it can be two stories in a row. By the way, these are all randomly generated, so.

[Jason Ellis]

But I'll have you know I can spell dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, what is that? B1?

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, that one.

[Greg Stone]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let'S see.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, let's see. I'm trying to figure out a little speech right there.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, Puerto Ricans gotta read, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Poopadoo. Well, no, but Puerto Ricans. Dogs hate Puerto Ricans and.

[Jason Ellis]

But Puerto Ricans. Puerto Ricans know that though, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, Puerto Ricans have a very close Relationship?

[Big J Okerson]

No, they think they have close relationships. They train them to fight and kill each other.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Other.

[Big J Okerson]

If they could uprise, they would take out Puerto Rico as a commonwealth.

[Jason Ellis]

So this is looking like Lewis right now.

[Big J Okerson]

This feels like Lewis to me.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I will say Jay. Jay always throws it to me. And Jay has not had a story yet.

[Big J Okerson]

Neither is Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Have you ever.

[Jason Ellis]

It's a good point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's also true.

[Big J Okerson]

To point that out seems very like very suspicious.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To point out that I pointed that out seems a little bit suspicious to me.

[Big J Okerson]

Right. You know, I know how to read.

[Jason Ellis]

It's one of these skanks for sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, have you ever been bitten by a dog?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Jason Ellis]

Wait, how many times was it after.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You didn't read A Beware of Dog?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no.

[Ryan Shaner]

He just very excellently read all that trans. So I know he can read just fine.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right. I can.

[Greg Stone]

I'll say this.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I will say I've been bit by a dog. But it was walking by a dog. It was a small dog too, and it just bit my calf. It was crazy. It weirdly hurt a lot know.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Wow. My only. Only bite by a dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, just so you guys know, I've never been bitten by a dog.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Liar. Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh yeah. You never waited for three hours behind a glory hole at a truck stop either. Okay, I'll just start taking your word for it versus the evidence.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I see.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I'll say.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Have you ever been by. Bitten by a dog, Shainer?

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, twice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Twice. Twice.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Really?

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah. And I knew I was going to get bit the whole time. The one time I ran from the dog like an idiot. I ran from a rottweiler like a stupid fuck.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

What are you supposed to turn around and like?

[Ryan Shaner]

Well, no, I thought someone told. Yeah, you're supposed to like just be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, no, he farted in his face.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you're going to get sick in three days, dog.

[Ryan Shaner]

He found out I farted on his kibble.

[Greg Stone]

He's like, you.

[Ryan Shaner]

But no, I got. I got bit by a rottweiler.

[Greg Stone]

I ran.

[Ryan Shaner]

I ran from it. Jumped up and bit me in the shoulder. And then another. It was a fucking wiener dog. Bit me in the dachshund. Yeah, after I was. I was with it though. I was. Cuz I did pick it up and pretend like it was my dick.

[Big J Okerson]

But what else do you do with.

[Jason Ellis]

A dog like that?

[Big J Okerson]

What else do you do with those dogs?

[Ryan Shaner]

It is the best thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And it was like, that is a great bit.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

You just work in the room. Who's Getting mad at that.

[Ryan Shaner]

It was also a really skinny wiener dog. So it looked like a dick with a face.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, dick with flopping ears.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Dude, that's so.

[Ryan Shaner]

If I could have put down my pants and have it come out the zipper, I would have done that. But I was my regret.

[Big J Okerson]

You should have put that story and your regret should have been you didn't put it in your pants coming out of your zipper.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is one of the best bits I've ever heard. I cannot wait. The next time I see a dachshund, I'm going to pretend it's my dick all day.

[Ryan Shaner]

It's the funniest thing in the world.

[Jason Ellis]

I did it with a cat the other day.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn. That is one funny story.

[Ryan Shaner]

It is funny.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

This is Lewis.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Come on. Greg.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Greg. Have you been bitten by a dog?

[Greg Stone]

So I'll say this. This 100% happened to me. I just don't know if I told anyone about it. Like I don't think I told them but I 100% got bit by a dog and it was like oh, the fucking sign. I was super high.

[Jason Ellis]

It was crazy.

[Greg Stone]

But I don't think I told them.

[Big J Okerson]

Is Greg playing the game with the fucking highest level I've ever seen. This is really. Dude, I can't believe now I only think it's great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're an idiot. Why would you vote for me so quickly?

[Big J Okerson]

It's you. Don't try to make it seem now like I made a bad choice so nobody else I I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know what? I want everyone to vote for me so you don't get points.

[Big J Okerson]

I've said that before when it was me.

[Jason Ellis]

He's a liar. Oh, sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason. Have you met my dog before?

[Greg Stone]

No, I'm from Australia.

[Jason Ellis]

Every time a dog comes at me, I just do the McDon D thing and they fall asleep.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Dude. The beauty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

That dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But he thought it was Lassie.

[Jason Ellis]

Okay.

[Ryan Shaner]

I saw you did there.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis is panicking. It's him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry.

[Jason Ellis]

Who wants to see a better knuckle?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J now because he's pushing it so hard on me right now.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I told you my one dog bite story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're pushing it.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't push my friends. J oh shit. J. Oh fuck.

[Greg Stone]

J O got bit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A little fucking dog dog.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Bit by a little dog.

[Big J Okerson]

But not. It's too late. Everyone took their hands off. Doesn't matter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going Big J Okerson because honestly, he's playing the game at a high level right now and I'm watching it happen.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna mark these words. When it's Lewis and he's standing.

[Jason Ellis]

I know it.

[Greg Stone]

I'm with.

[Jason Ellis]

I know it 100%. I can tell when you're lying, Jason. I can tell when you're not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You want to win this game, Jason?

[Jason Ellis]

You're scared of me. I know that, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

You duck him three times a year. This guy tries to square up with you. You're constantly on the run.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're.

[Big J Okerson]

The bottom of your shoes must be scuffed up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He just tried. He just tried to falling for Big J's horseshit right now because it's obviously.

[Jason Ellis]

Obviously one of you two and you keep throwing it at him.

[Ryan Shaner]

Definitely one of those two.

[Greg Stone]

I think it's Jason that. I don't know. You're so good. Never mind.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Never mind.

[Greg Stone]

It's not Jason at all. Definitely not Jason.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason, you son of a.

[Jason Ellis]

It's you, dude. I want points.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Give me my points.

[Big J Okerson]

He's still doing the acting and it's over.

[Ryan Shaner]

I know.

[Jason Ellis]

It's so obvious.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Greg Stone]

I have no idea. I'm too gullible for this game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Four stories down, Alex. Whose story was that?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number four belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Greg Stone]

You don't know power, John.

[Big J Okerson]

The beauty of the game that is Story wars, everybody.

[Ryan Shaner]

Man, I feel like a fucking dick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's not that much more to the story. I was walking on Route 9W and there was in Rockland county where I grew up.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, and there was a West side Highway.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There was just like a, you know, like a. Just a house with a fence in front of it. And this the cutest fucking dog. Not like a mean looking pit bull, just an adorable wet. This dog was wagging its tail. I was like, what a cute fucking dog. And it was like a Puerto Rican.

[Big J Okerson]

And he was like, oh, a monster.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There was a. There was a Puerto Rican guy sitting on his porch, just kind of sitting there smiling. It was like out of a fucking. Like, it was like out of a Sun Kiss ad. It was adorable, right? And I put my hand through the gate and the dog just came up to it and it wasn't even aggressive. He didn't like growl or bark.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

He literally just went like a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like a vampire. Like, he was just. And I was like, ah. I put my hand away and he bit my fingers. And then I was like, what the fuck, man? I was like, you're just. Dog just bit me. And the. The old Puerto Rican guy just pointed at a sign that said, beware of dogs.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And ever since then, one week a Month at night, Lewis walks the streets as a dog.

[Greg Stone]

The dog was right, I'll tell you that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He knew the dog. Nailed it.

[Ryan Shaner]

God damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Four stories down, we're at halftime. Alex, where our points at?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

All right. In last place with three points, Greg Stone.

[Greg Stone]

I'm not gonna be good at this.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

I have a dude in fourth place with four points, Ryan Shaner.

[Greg Stone]

Damn it, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Nah.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In third place with five points, Jason Ellis.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

Nice steroids. Here I come.

[Ryan Shaner]

You two are going down.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Down.

[Big J Okerson]

I always go down.

[Jason Ellis]

I used to.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

And tied for the lead with six points each. Lewis J. Gomez and big J. O.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn.

[Greg Stone]

I was winning at one point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We just did it. And I watch their own game.

[Jason Ellis]

That's crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Seventy people in the crowd go, hand turkey.

[Big J Okerson]

Hand turkey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hand turkey.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Hand turkey.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, we are at halftime, everybody. So why don't we go around now and do some plugs. Mr. Ellis, what do you want to plug, my man?

[Jason Ellis]

I'm comedian. Some people may argue that that's not true, but I'm on the road. TheJason Ellis.com for tour dates. I'm doing stand up tomorrow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason. This. This won't be out for like three weeks.

[Jason Ellis]

26 and 27th and 28th. 8th New York. 26th. 20.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

This was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This was weeks ago. When people are hearing this, I'll be in Canada.

[Big J Okerson]

Jason Ellis.com thejason Ellis.com the Jason Ellis.

[Jason Ellis]

I got new merch too. Same website. I got skateboards because I'm still. I'm a professional skateboarder again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There you are.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Greg Stone.

[Greg Stone]

Well, first off, off, check out my aggressive rollerblading videos on YouTube. They're pretty good.

[Jason Ellis]

Oh, I'm definitely going to bait him up after the show.

[Big J Okerson]

I was say you look like you could catch me. I didn't want to say before, but Greg also hit a 900. Yeah, yeah, definitely did.

[Greg Stone]

Check out my podcast. Welcome to talk town and just call me dog. Just call. I'd love to. I'd like get some phone calls. Let's get some phone calls.

[Big J Okerson]

We'll put Greg's phone number in the. In the description.

[Greg Stone]

I need to it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I need this put in the notes.

[Ryan Shaner]

Shaner, you can check me out on the end. Podcast with Ryan Shanner. Wherever you get your podcasts, make sure you call the hotline.

[Big J Okerson]

You going to hotline?

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, you got to tell me better hotline. I got a hotline. Hold on.

[Ryan Shaner]

I also have a number, Greg, so 833-443-5300. You can call anytime. We'll address any Comment, question or concern?

[Greg Stone]

It's the craziest thing. I said that. You have one.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, I know.

[Jason Ellis]

I do too, but I forgot you all have hotlines. I do. I have one. I have a podcast, too. I forgot. I'm too busy trying to be a comedian.

[Big J Okerson]

You mentioned it for sure.

[Ryan Shaner]

You can also find me on World War Fun with Sydney Gant new podcast. Check that out, please.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wherever you get your very funny last year's Jiu Jitsu.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Skankfest Jiu Jitsu World champion. S going to be defending his title this year at Skank Fest.

[Ryan Shaner]

It's going to be amazing.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Hell yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Big J, Wait, Jason, you had.

[Jason Ellis]

Oh, the Jason L Show. It's a podcast.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it is.

[Jason Ellis]

A patreon as well. Patreon.comalicemate I like pretend I'm still on SiriusXM.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Nice.

[Jason Ellis]

For way less money. And yes, I will put M M's in my foreskin again if you all subscribe today.

[Big J Okerson]

You have to subscribe today.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The more plugs Jason gives, the sadder it is. He's like, and me mom is dead.

[Jason Ellis]

The only one that's still alive.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Fuck you.

[Big J Okerson]

Bigjcobby.com for all my dates. Coming to a city near you on Big Jokerson's Peter North American tour. Coming on a city near you. Listen to the bonfire five days a week. Faction talk, Sirius XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the Legion of Skanks, the flagship show right over here at the cast digital network. 16 years running. 16 years running.

[Louis J. Gomez]

14, 14, 14.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a lot of years running for sure. Double vinyl for them. Day coming out very, very soon. Look for that and go to my YouTube page, Big J Comedy, where you can. Big J Okerson, where you can watch. I'm doing some live streams now, so enjoy those.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Very cool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis, Come see me on the road. I got Springfield, Missouri coming up in October. Chandler, Arizona as well. Nashville, Tennessee, coming up in December. We have a bunch of live story war shows on the road. I mean, I'll say it's already sold out. The main room at the mothership they gave us. We've done it twice now in the small room they give us the main room. Sold out those shows in just a couple hours. Gonna be great in Austin. If you guys. If you leave a comment right now on this show that says Austin, just the word Austin, we're gonna pick one random person that will win two free tickets to one of the shows in Austin. So make sure you leave that comment in the comments.

[Big J Okerson]

One Random young chick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're also doing a few others. We're doing November 11th, the New York Comedy Club right here in New York City. I'm sorry, the New York Comedy Festival right here in New York City. We're gonna be at the Gramercy Theater, the fir. The biggest show we've ever done. Huge lineup plan for it. Get those tickets that will sell out.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

And then.

[Big J Okerson]

And then we're doing the Wednesday before Thanksgiving in Philadelphia where Ryan Shaner is going to be farting on your cheese stick.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Fuck yeah, you will.

[Ryan Shaner]

Get ready for distance.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Two shows in Philly, which we love. That was our first ever road show was Philly. Make sure you guys subscribe to Gas Digital.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

If you love this show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's like 40 episodes that are not available anywhere else. Only for Gas Digital subscribers. Go to gas digital.com, subscribe there using the promo code WAR.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You get a discount.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Then you can download the apps and use the apps and make sure you guys, you know, come check out all my other podcasts, the Rags Legion of Stuff Skanks. My bonus podcast I do for. For subscribers to my email list, which is free, just go to louisofskangs.com and.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Pre order my book. We're doing a storytelling show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have a book called Knives and spoons coming out December 16th. You can pre order it right now on Amazon.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Go do that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We really appreciate you guys. And if you don't want to stick a needle in your ass like Jason Ellis to boost your testosterone and me and Jay, you can buy body brain coffee, which naturally supports your testosterone and brain function. Body brain coffee, doctor.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I love needles, though. Yep.

[Big J Okerson]

Makes me feel like I'm doing junk. We have reached the half point of the show here, and we like to keep things exciting. This is a tight game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very close. This is one of the closest games this early.

[Big J Okerson]

Easily one of the closest games this early. But the way we shake things up for the final four stories of story wars every week, if you've been paying attention, we go double points.

[Ryan Shaner]

Excited? Excited.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a pretty simple concept.

[Jason Ellis]

Before, the same, but twice as good.

[Greg Stone]

What are you.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. It's easy.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Before, if you fooled somebody, you got a point. If you guessed the right story, you got two points. And now that jumps up to double points.

[Greg Stone]

So is that like four points?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Do you see?

[Big J Okerson]

I'm having fun with it this time. I did a fingering until it squirted on my face. And I did that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got it.

[Big J Okerson]

They're all little like whammies.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

No, I know.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex Story number five.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number five. I walked by a black, morbidly obese homeless woman bent over, spreading her ass while taking a huge piss right on the street. I had ample time to pull out my phone and record, but I choked.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, this should be me.

[Jason Ellis]

There's no way that was me. I would have got that on video for sure.

[Big J Okerson]

This should be me. I'm bad at this. I'm bad at pulling out my phone and recording. I fuck up a lot with this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This story is 150% Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you didn't hear what I said. This sounds like me. I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I know it sounds like you. I mean, I'm reading all the way. It's worded. Black, morbidly obese homeless woman. That is just so big.

[Big J Okerson]

Ample time is a great choice of words.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

That's what you type in on porn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me. Me personally, I don't see color, so I wouldn't have even seen. I wouldn't.

[Jason Ellis]

Oh, it's you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Not.

[Jason Ellis]

That's the biggest crock of ever right there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Jason Ellis]

You see so much color, it's insane.

[Big J Okerson]

You see exclusively color.

[Greg Stone]

So, like, anybody with any. Anybody with a humanity would see that and go, oh. And just walk away. So the person who goes, should have recorded it is gonna be a scumbag. So who's the biggest scumbag on the table?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think I'm the biggest scumbag, but I would absolutely up the same way. Without a doubt, Big J is doing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The same thing he accused you of, which is admitting that the story is his by trying to reverse.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't have asthma.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

So I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

Know what the fuck you're talking about.

[Ryan Shaner]

I'm just basing this on the way that it's worded and how well you read that trans stuff. It seems like you would. I'm just saying, read that out loud.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's beautifully written.

[Ryan Shaner]

Read.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like a novella.

[Big J Okerson]

Read that I walk by a black, morbidly obese home. It's Jake bent over spreading her ass. It's a huge piss right on the street. I had ample time to pull out my phone and record, but I choked, man.

[Jason Ellis]

Oh, wow. Yeah. Lewis would not say morbidly. He'd say fat.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a big. That's too big of a word. Anything more than two.

[Greg Stone]

He wouldn't say black. He'd say something else.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on.

[Greg Stone]

Right?

[Jason Ellis]

I was gonna leave that app.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I would not, sir. That's a lie. Yes, you would lie. Not only.

[Big J Okerson]

Not only would He. He did, and Alex edited it out, but Alex didn't edit it out until she saw you. So I don't know if that's really a good thing or not quite honestly.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, I. I want to waste more time. I just. Jay, this. This. This story screams you. This would be something you would regret now.

[Big J Okerson]

It's definitely making me think it's you.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I don't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't even buy you saying those words right now.

[Jason Ellis]

I had one on video.

[Ryan Shaner]

Doing this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What did you have? A black.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't see color.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, now it's either you or Jason.

[Jason Ellis]

She was fat, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She was fat.

[Ryan Shaner]

He sees shapes. Definitely. He sees shape. I don't see color. I see big, fat, ugly shape.

[Jason Ellis]

She got. She stood up and did it onto the concrete at me.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis just winked at me. He always winks at me and then ends up being him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Man, don't listen to me.

[Jason Ellis]

I caught that, too.

[Big J Okerson]

Are you saying you didn't just wink at me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did just wink at you.

[Jason Ellis]

I saw it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why would you do that? I was quirky.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

He loves it. He loves to let me know he's about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys, just remember, this round is double points, so we have to. Don't let Big J pull ahead right now. He is currently in the lead. I'm letting you know right now. This is definitely a Big J Okerson story. I know Big J more than why.

[Big J Okerson]

You say my last name.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

What are you, my mom?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know. Does your mom say your last name?

[Big J Okerson]

Jason Michael Oak or something?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I mean, I know Big J probably better than anybody knows Big J.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I'm telling you, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Who do you think I share everything with you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who do you think knows you better than me?

[Jason Ellis]

Jelly roll.

[Big J Okerson]

Country, country western.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, he's naming things you like to eat.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I do.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I tell everything that.

[Big J Okerson]

My jelly rolls.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One time we walked by a big, fat black woman. She was morbidly obese.

[Big J Okerson]

She was pissing right on the street.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is my biggest regret, Johnny.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, this also could be a. There. I hate to pull away from Lewis.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I like when everybody votes for Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But this freaking out right now.

[Greg Stone]

No, he is. It's 100% him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Oh.

[Greg Stone]

Can I tell you why?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. And it's.

[Jason Ellis]

It's actually a compliment.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Greg Stone]

The way this is written as a joke, right? First of all, sorry, Louis, but you're not saying black, morbidly, over obese, fat. You're saying something. You're not saying. Black, morbidly, obese is a. Is a Is a. Is a. It's a written word and. But I choked keeping the funny for the end. Is. Is. That's. It's either. I thought it was Shane refers, but that's the way you talk. That's you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

As you said that. It could easily be.

[Greg Stone]

It could be Shaner because there's a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lot of fat, black, morbidly obese women in Philadelphia.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what my thought on Shaner was exclusively like.

[Ryan Shaner]

There's no lie in that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Have you ever watched Abbott. Have you ever watched Abbott Elementary? It's the whole premise of the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Have you ever watched Kensington?

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, I was just going to say if you watch the live stream of Kensington, guys, catch the fever.

[Jason Ellis]

It's wild in New York too.

[Big J Okerson]

Such a fun watch.

[Greg Stone]

Do Australians say piss or is it like wizza?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Woo.

[Greg Stone]

I'm serious.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. She was taking a wizard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Woo.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't know, brother. I'm from here.

[Big J Okerson]

She was taking a whizzle.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Woo. Right.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex can take some liberties with the wording.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

So you don't know who it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, yeah, I'm still leading Jay, but it could be Shaner. Either way, it's somebody from Philly and their pieces of shit.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I didn't even overthink that I'm from Philly.

[Greg Stone]

Also.

[Big J Okerson]

This could be a story of me in Philly.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

That's making me think it's Shaner more than Lewis. But I do think this is Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay has gotten. He's gotten way better at this game. He's got a bunch of wins recently. He's playing the game right now.

[Jason Ellis]

Had one win and he's hiding behind the glasses too.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

He is.

[Jason Ellis]

Even though they're completely see through.

[Greg Stone]

But it's.

[Jason Ellis]

There's something that he's hiding from there. I think he was on the way to his to defend his slap fighting championship and he saw that. No, morbidly, there's only two people on the panel that would use that word and it's this rollerblade and pussy over here. And.

[Big J Okerson]

And the only person who's been morbidly obese.

[Jason Ellis]

Not saying that you guys look great, but you should use steroids.

[Greg Stone]

I would have wrote soul grind in there or something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gentlemen, you don't have to wait for us. You guys can get your votes going.

[Greg Stone]

I don't know.

[Jason Ellis]

I really. I really don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

By the way, if it's not Big J. Because I'm also voting Big J. If it's not Big J, Whoever just got this clean.

[Jason Ellis]

The fuck. Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J Okerson.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay good. Gotta get act. He said, here's BJ's acting right now.

[Greg Stone]

It might be Shaner, but I don't know.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I'm going Shaner.

[Jason Ellis]

Wow.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Jay's so bummed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at his face.

[Big J Okerson]

You're gonna feel like idiots in a second.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think we're gonna.

[Greg Stone]

I do think it was Shaner. It was my first instance.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know points.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

You're gonna feel so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know story. Was it.

[Greg Stone]

It's too hard.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number five belongs to Big J.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yes.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ryan Shaner]

You looked right at me and you said. You piece of. You looked right at me and I was like, it wasn't me, man. You're like, no, I know it was. Dude, that fart story really did a number on you, didn't. It?

[Big J Okerson]

Did. It did.

[Ryan Shaner]

That's a guy who's gotten dysentery from a pizza. Definitely.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It didn't. It didn't just do a number on him. And it did a number two on him, dude.

[Greg Stone]

It's. It's the amount of laugh turkey.

[Ryan Shaner]

That's all he did.

[Greg Stone]

Dude. The way that's written as a comedian, I. I knew it was like the laugh lines, the way it's joke. It's short, it's tight.

[Big J Okerson]

It's too elegant. Once again, my brilliance comes to bite me in the ass.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

J, give us more detail. Where was. This was New York City probably right?

[Big J Okerson]

This was New York City. Tuesday. Yesterday. This was yesterday. I was on the phone with our friend Mike Fenoya on my headphones walking to work. Had my phone out at one point. I was walking and I think this might be phantom. I don't know for sure, but I heard the sound of what I can only say would be like a horse cock pissing. Like a real. A lot of shooting up sounding. And then I felt. I tend to wear my sweatpants with one leg up LL Cool J style. And I think I felt bad.

[Jason Ellis]

A lot of morbidly obese people wear their.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, a lot of morbidly obese people do that. It's when they have thin ankles. So then I feel like I felt splash back a piss hit my. I. I don't know if that happened.

[Jason Ellis]

I got you.

[Big J Okerson]

It may have been phantom because I. I just looked over and I looked and there was a lot of people around watching. Almost like it was a show. A morbidly obese black homeless woman. I mean, a grip of ass cheek in each hand, spreading it open her asshole had that. What is it about homeless shit?

[Jason Ellis]

Jeune Sais quoi?

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

What is it about homeless shit? It's a color of tan.

[Ryan Shaner]

No, it's like. It's peanut butter. It's peanut buttery shit.

[Big J Okerson]

It's peanut butter.

[Ryan Shaner]

It's peanut buttery shit.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

It's like a yellow.

[Ryan Shaner]

It always is.

[Big J Okerson]

Yellow brown.

[Jason Ellis]

Yes. Oh, come on.

[Ryan Shaner]

I painted my living room. That. It fucking just.

[Big J Okerson]

That's really. You can only get it at Bear at Home Depot. It's very cool.

[Ryan Shaner]

It's one coat.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a one coater.

[Greg Stone]

It's a one coater.

[Big J Okerson]

It's an indoor outdoor paint too, but she had that around her asshole. But that was something. That was from a while ago. Right now she was just taking a piss out of her huge gross pussy.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And all I could think was, I was like. And I'm on the phone with somebody. I go, oh, dude, there's a crazy. I'm saying it loud enough.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

She could definitely hear.

[Big J Okerson]

There's a disgusting piece of shit homeless person taking a fat piss on the ground. I should film it. He goes, you gotta film it. And I just went, ah, there's a lot of people around. And I just kept on and it's.

[Greg Stone]

A sex crime.

[Ryan Shaner]

Kinda.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow, what a story.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you. Yeah.

[Ryan Shaner]

I feel that regret.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, five stories down, give us our points.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

All right. In dead last with six points, Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

I was in first last round, man.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In fourth place with seven points, Greg Stone.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't clap, don't clap.

[Jason Ellis]

I'm not proud of it.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In third place with eight points, Ryan Shaner. In second place with nine points, Jason Ellis.

[Big J Okerson]

Here I fucking come.

[Ryan Shaner]

Here I fucking come.

[Big J Okerson]

Shout out to steroids and Jesus Christ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's so funny how in the. In the beginning nobody cares about winning but your five stars and you, you're like, I need to fucking win this game.

[Jason Ellis]

When I came, when I was in the Uber on the way here, I was like, look, man, you know, don't be competitive. You're not gonna really win anything. Like, you're always competitive of shit. Just relax and have fun. Fuck that. If I don't win, I'm gonna be fucking pissed.

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody wants to take home, you're in the wrong bathroom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Finish the points. Let her finish the points.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

And in the lead with 10 points.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

Carry on ultimately serves as a powerful call to action. By reframing trans issues, it highlights issues facing trans people that stem from stigma, discrimination, and a flawed health care system. This book provides the essential fact based vocabulary and context needed to move beyond sensational headlines and advocate for real world change and understanding. You're in the wrong bathroom. It's going to somebody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What a game. So far, truly anybody's game.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story Wars. And this is for all the parents out there with teenagers who we know it's very hard trying to keep a million different things under control. Cash App is now here to help make sure your teen's money and their spending isn't adding to that craziness. Isn't it crazy that we have fans with teenage children? We do.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I have a teenage. My son's gonna be a teenager in two months and this is literally perfect.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

For him because it's my daughter's 23, I don't allow her to have a phone.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Still, it's available for teens from 13 to 17 years old. And they're gonna get the Cash App card. It is as long as they're sponsored by an eligible parent or guardian. Every trans triggers a real time notification that you actually get to see. So you empower your team with the practice of independence while giving you the peace of mind and keeping track of their spending. It teaches them how to manage money, how to manage budgeting and just overall be a little bit more mature. I mean I had my son pay for just like we were at Dunkin Donuts recently and I was like here, go pay. And I gave him my card and he looked at it like it was like a piece of alien technology.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He had no idea.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

And I was like God damn it, I have to this money son. I'm from the future.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You also manage everything directly from your own Cash App account without having to switch between the two. And finally with Cash App, there's no monthly fees, no minimum balance requirements, and no hidden charges when sending or receiving money.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So parents, right now it's time to.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Start focusing on your teens financial learning and growth instead of stressing out about the fine print.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It really is great.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

We I learned my financial literacy from my mom who didn't have a bank account because she thought the government was trying to take her non existent money. Be smart with your kid. Teach them independence. Keep them in the loop while you're staying in the loop. And download the Cash App today to set up their account. And for a limited time, new Cash App Customers can earn $10 if they use the code Family10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC visit cash app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

All right, where. Where you we.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex? Story number six.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number six. At a ninth grade sleepover, my friend's mom caught me making up a rap song about her, and she refused to leave the room until I finished the song.

[Big J Okerson]

Now, I think. I think Greg had a real busy ninth grade year.

[Greg Stone]

You ever see a store and you go, man, I wish that was me.

[Big J Okerson]

This one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Shaner. I can see this being Shaner. This is. This is just pure hijinks. This is. This is a verbal version of on somebody's sholi.

[Big J Okerson]

You're saying this is Shaner wrote a rap song about his friend's mom?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maybe that's a fun. That's a fun topic.

[Big J Okerson]

That seems like a jolly Greg move. That seems like Greg throwing down some freestyle. He's writing an answer very quick, very quickly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right? Yeah. I mean, Jason, there's no rap in.

[Jason Ellis]

Australia, so you'd be surprised.

[Ryan Shaner]

I am surprised.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

I love Tupac, mate. He's sick.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hip hop. The hibbit to the hibbit and the hip hip hop and you don't stop. Boogity bay.

[Big J Okerson]

Lou. I love it.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, it's great.

[Jason Ellis]

It's great.

[Greg Stone]

Now, I know that was a great rap, but I swear that wasn't me.

[Jason Ellis]

I met a guy on a train in Australia and he had. He had thug life tattooed on his stomach like Tupac. And I was like, that is fucking sick, dude. He's like, fuck life cunt. Because in Australia, if you're a real bogan, you don't.

[Greg Stone]

Don't.

[Jason Ellis]

You can't.

[Big J Okerson]

Real what?

[Jason Ellis]

Bogan.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

White trash.

[Jason Ellis]

My bad, my bad.

[Greg Stone]

A bogan.

[Jason Ellis]

You can't say you don't do th. You go. It's an F. Life is a good word in Australia. Sorry, ladies.

[Greg Stone]

It's a great word here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good.

[Jason Ellis]

I should explain that. Yeah, I wasn't trying to be offensive.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a common word here. There. It's a great word here. All my best friends really straightens a out. Yeah, Shut them off quick here, you mean?

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, yeah. I caught that a couple times, actually.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Better than a boogie bay.

[Greg Stone]

Real quick. I haven't drank in, like six months. It's the best.

[Big J Okerson]

Hold on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Six months?

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, I'm drunk.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I haven't drank in six months.

[Big J Okerson]

Coming from Al.

[Greg Stone]

Six month.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice, dude. Make up a rap song about it.

[Greg Stone]

Yo, I'm drunk as I'm A your mom in a sleepover, dog.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm too drunk.

[Greg Stone]

It definitely wasn't me dog.

[Ryan Shaner]

No, that was. I like your bars.

[Greg Stone]

I'm more emo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, it could be Jason cuz you. I could see his friend's mom wanting to him. She's like, finish it, mate.

[Jason Ellis]

She wouldn't have been the first.

[Big J Okerson]

She goes, go on, finish the song about Tajing. Me fler. They always have different words for it. T about flogging me noom.

[Ryan Shaner]

No, him.

[Big J Okerson]

You going to barge into me aies. You going to flip my tizzles. Wait, we don't say.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know why that pisses me off.

[Jason Ellis]

Stop. Stop saying it.

[Ryan Shaner]

We don't say it like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead, finish your song. You going to flip me gumdrops?

[Jason Ellis]

I mean, that was closer, you idiot.

[Ryan Shaner]

Holy.

[Big J Okerson]

You get a scribble me scrim scrams.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't stop, man. I don't like that and I don't know why.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Stop.

[Jason Ellis]

I'm not even going for you, bro.

[Big J Okerson]

Craig, I want to say this.

[Greg Stone]

This is the third time I think I've seen you write Shanna. I don't know that you know. His name is Shaner.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

He does.

[Jason Ellis]

No, no, that's how you spell it. Where he. Where I come from.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Con.

[Ryan Shaner]

My.

[Jason Ellis]

My bad.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's okay. Cone was good there and I do like it.

[Jason Ellis]

And I. I didn't go to school.

[Ryan Shaner]

Let him go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, my bad.

[Greg Stone]

Cook.

[Big J Okerson]

Let him cook.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have a question.

[Big J Okerson]

Too busy.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

His friends.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

What do you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What do you call.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, Jason.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

What do you call your first year.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of high school in Australia? What is it called? Like, what is.

[Greg Stone]

You never went.

[Jason Ellis]

I didn't go. I didn't go to school then, dude, I learned how to read.

[Ryan Shaner]

You know, this is a great American thing.

[Jason Ellis]

SiriusXM made me do reads on the radio and everybody thought for at least five years that it was. That I was being funny. They were like, man, I love it when you do the read where you act like you can't read. I'm like, I can't. Telly would be next to me. I'd be like, listen, man. Zip recruiter. I'm like, zip recruiter. Get a. Get a. Get a ding ding d. Discount. Discount. I couldn't read it all. And then they just made me do it for so long that I could slide.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, you get the ad reads at least.

[Jason Ellis]

Guess I guesstimate.

[Greg Stone]

I think Greg, I want to say this.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

He.

[Greg Stone]

You just whispered to me, it's definitely Lewis or Jay. If it's if it's you.

[Ryan Shaner]

No, I'm. So I said, I said I definitely think you're gay.

[Jason Ellis]

Oh, that's.

[Big J Okerson]

First of all, you really hear what you want to hear, right?

[Greg Stone]

Everyone knows. Knows I'm not gay or straight. I just haven't yet met a man I want to.

[Ryan Shaner]

That book is for you then, man.

[Greg Stone]

I wrote that book. I am that book.

[Big J Okerson]

Greg Stone has been trying to figure out what bathroom does he go.

[Greg Stone]

I thought gay or gay. That's what it has on the name super gay Shaner.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a crazy dude.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You're such a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like a truck stop, punk rock looking dude. But I think every guy from Philly.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Hey, trucks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every, every white guy from Philly had a wigger phase.

[Jason Ellis]

And I'm thinking, never.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I never had a Ryan Shaner.

[Greg Stone]

Never had a wigger.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J's currently living it. And here it is. Ryan Shaner.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg Stone]

Maybe it's because I can't stop picturing you in PJs. It's definitely you.

[Ryan Shaner]

First off, never say that out loud ever again.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I'm picturing you in pj.

[Greg Stone]

I'm going to whisper it in your ear to not night brother.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Whoa.

[Ryan Shaner]

Make sure you bring the inhaler, you big queer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Greg Stone]

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that to you.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number six belongs to Ryan Shaner.

[Big J Okerson]

You.

[Greg Stone]

You told me to my face you're a dirty dog.

[Ryan Shaner]

I. I didn't tell you. I, I again, I said you were gay.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Oh, man.

[Big J Okerson]

When he told you in your ear it's me or Lewis and then voted for you. I wish I wouldn't have voted that fast. I know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shanner. Did you have a wigger phase?

[Ryan Shaner]

No, I never had a. This resulted. So I'll take you guys back to 1999.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, grab a girl.

[Ryan Shaner]

Let's get into the spaceship and go back. 1999, cash money millionaires were taking over the world.

[Big J Okerson]

See, murder surprisingly just picked up for murder.

[Ryan Shaner]

It was wild. Aaliyah was still alive and looking hot as shit. So I was over my buddy Travis's house. We're having a sleepover and he puts on juveniles back that he just like, loves rap. And I'm like, yo, rap is the gayest shit in the world.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you whisper it then too?

[Ryan Shaner]

I did. I was like, yo, you're gay, gay, and your father hates you.

[Big J Okerson]

Rap is stupid.

[Greg Stone]

And for.

[Ryan Shaner]

So I was like, yo, rap is gay, dude. And he's like, yo, you couldn't do it I'm like, any idiot rap dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm so sorry for this actual racism.

[Big J Okerson]

That we're doing right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is crazy.

[Ryan Shaner]

This is not racism.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is actual, crazy racism.

[Ryan Shaner]

Do you feel like I'm being racist right now?

[Greg Stone]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Tbd. Tbd, huh?

[Ryan Shaner]

I can accept that, but he's walking a tightrope.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[Ryan Shaner]

I'm trying really hard to pick my words, because there was. There was a lot of hard Rs in a lot of these words. It's juvenile. Hey. And now I, I, I sing those mistakes, sir. You guys made the mistakes. I'm singing these mistakes. So he starts going off, and I'm like, yo, rap is super lame. He's like, you couldn't rap. And I was like, oh, you want to see me drop some shit? I was like, my Fruitopia, dude. I'm gonna crush it right now.

[Big J Okerson]

It was 1999. You were ready. Snow's Informer was topping the charts.

[Ryan Shaner]

His mom. His mom was like, one of the cool moms that, like, she didn't buy his beer or anything, but she, like, didn't care if we were.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

She.

[Big J Okerson]

What the fuck?

[Ryan Shaner]

She was just. Yeah, she was just fine. So I started going off, and I don't remember all of what I said, but I do remember the last thing I said. And I ate her pussy clean off. Her body was like, one of the things I said at the end. Cause I remember me going like, oh, no, dude. And then the door opens, and she was in the hallway. She's like, what are you guys doing in here? And I was like, oh, nothing.

[Big J Okerson]

She's like, what?

[Alexandra (Producer)]

What are you guys doing?

[Ryan Shaner]

Like, really? Like, are you guys singing?

[Big J Okerson]

Are you guys rapping about. She's like, what was that?

[Ryan Shaner]

What was that about me? And I was like, oh, nothing. Nothing. Regina. And she's like, no, no, no, no. What were you. Were you. Were you rapping about me? I was like, oh, yeah.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

We were just messing.

[Ryan Shaner]

And I kept trying to be like, we're just messing around. She's like, no, I really want to hear.

[Greg Stone]

This is the beginning of every porno ever seen.

[Ryan Shaner]

And the crazy thing is, if you're.

[Greg Stone]

Going to be hard for them, then you got to be hard for me.

[Big J Okerson]

If you start a beatbox before she goes.

[Ryan Shaner]

The crazy thing is, when I heard that, my dick was like, we did win on the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the whole time. So then I started, like, kind of rap. But I did, like, mumble again. I don't know where my nuts are. They're in your throat. And then I'm going to just bust a big fat. I just started making shit up. And she's like, you need to work on it. And then left the room.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Greg Stone]

She consulted your rapping buddy.

[Big J Okerson]

You could have writ a better rap. And her.

[Ryan Shaner]

I. Dude. And that's why I regret everything.

[Greg Stone]

Every.

[Big J Okerson]

That's why it's why I regret it.

[Ryan Shaner]

If I had the lyrics.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Six stories down. Alex, where are our points?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Our points? All right. Still in Last place with six points, Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Thought it was Greg.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In fourth place with 10 points, Ryan Shaner. In third place with 11 points, Greg Stone.

[Greg Stone]

I'm back, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm back.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

You're correct.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In second place place with 13 points, Jason Ellis.

[Greg Stone]

You didn't come to play.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

And in the lead with 14 points, Lewis J. Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very close game. So truly anybody's game. We have two more stories. You guys having a good time? What a show.

[Greg Stone]

Whip it up. Whip it up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One of the best shows I think we've done just yet, guys. It's a fun show tonight.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Really great.

[Big J Okerson]

I have six points. It's like any other game for me.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for being a supporter of the show. This is the coffee brand that I launched not that long ago. We've only been shipping for four months, breaking records, about to launch the creamer. But the coffee is available right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

For you guys and Jay.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Look, Jay, you look great, okay? And the reason Jay looks great is because he's. He's injecting testosterone into his body. You don't need to do all that. You don't have to put a needle into your ass in order to look as good as Jay. You could simply drink a cup of testosterone, boosting coffee from Body Brain Coffee.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

You're gonna get this from coffee.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Damn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm talking.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Yeah, but Jay, what is that testosterone doing for your brain function?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Oh, I don't know. I think it's also putting my hormones out of whack. You're making me night sweat through my sheets.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I can only come if I'm wearing my mother's skin on my face.

[Big J Okerson]

I've been getting super guinea.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But it's got five ingredients.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

It's just Colombian freeze dried coffee. Tonga Ali, lion's mane, ashwagandha and L Theanine, all blended on a nice little convenient packet. You take it on the go, you put it in hot water, cold water, or in a protein shake, and that's it. That's all you need to do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You make it like a regular cup.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Of coffee with your favorite creamer or sweetener, or you can just drink it black. Either way, people love Body Brain Coffee. It genuinely works. Do some research as to what these ingredients can do for you, whether you're a man or a woman. I know we're talking about testosterone for men, but honestly, women need testosterone as well. If you're having a low sex drive and you're a woman, it's probably because your testosterone is a little bit low. It creates hormonal balance. So it's not going to put hair in your chest or give you balls. It's simply going to give you hormonal balance and give you the testosterone that you need. It's going to make you feel great. It's going to make you think great. Overall, you're going to absolutely love it. So just go to bodybraincoffee.com and use the promo code WARS25W A R Z 25 for 25 off. And honestly, for the rest of October, our packaging company up and sent us the wrong packaging. So we're doing an additional $5 off every order. So if you go to bodybraincoffee.com not only do you get the discount from Story wars, but we're doing an additional $5 off just because we don't like the outer bags that they sent us. We love the old ones, so we're going back to them. But either way, bodybraincoffee.com is the website. All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex? Story number seven.

[Greg Stone]

I'm drunk.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number seven. I called Michael Bolton. Rod Stewart to his face by accident.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

That was me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Another story about a mistaken celebrity identity.

[Ryan Shaner]

This is crazy, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. You Michael Bolton and called him Rod Stewart. Ha.

[Jason Ellis]

It was the only way I could make it up to him. No, I would never do that.

[Greg Stone]

You met Michael B.

[Jason Ellis]

No, I would walk away. Straight up away.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on.

[Greg Stone]

You know Michael Bolton's good.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't know Michael B. Bolton.

[Big J Okerson]

I would say Jason Ellis has no interest in meeting Michael Bolton.

[Jason Ellis]

Thank you.

[Ryan Shaner]

Appreciate. But you do like Rod Stewart, though.

[Jason Ellis]

He's pretty sweet.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, he is pretty sweet.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

That's good point.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's Rod Stewart.

[Greg Stone]

I would.

[Jason Ellis]

There's no way I would mistake those two. That's ridiculous.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is a crazy mistake. Like, that is.

[Ryan Shaner]

That is wild.

[Jason Ellis]

I did a lot of drugs when.

[Ryan Shaner]

I was younger, but this is also proving the point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Exactly.

[Jason Ellis]

Not that many.

[Greg Stone]

Look at my eyes. Look at my eyes and tell me you didn't do it. He's Guilty boys.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Greg the human L. Stone at it again.

[Ryan Shaner]

You just mind Hunter.

[Jason Ellis]

Him, dude. I mean, Jay knows famous people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay knows famous people. But I will say Jay is also impeccable with references.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no way I wouldn't make this way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He would not make this mistake. I know Jay very, very well. Jay's not making that mistake. Jason, you. You had a long, storied career. Keep trying.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't know these guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Doing drugs, being punched in the head, getting fucking concussions from falling down fucking half pipes.

[Jason Ellis]

If that was my story, I would have come on one of them.

[Big J Okerson]

That's true. Rod Stewart. Famously. I'd have a stomach pump for come.

[Jason Ellis]

That's right. Famous.

[Big J Okerson]

Famously, was it.

[Jason Ellis]

Australians are up and somebody else put.

[Big J Okerson]

A gerbil up their butt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that Richard Ge.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, Richard Gear.

[Greg Stone]

Richard Gear.

[Big J Okerson]

But it's not really none of them. It's just that every. There's always. Well, the gerbil story always made its way locally, too. In my town, it was local newsman Jerry Penacoli put a gerbal. But you guys never heard of Jerry Pen.

[Jason Ellis]

That happened.

[Big J Okerson]

That did happen.

[Jason Ellis]

That one's real.

[Big J Okerson]

Classic Penacoli.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

I don't see. I don't see. I don't. Do you, Lewis? Do you know what those two guys look like?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No, he doesn't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, I do.

[Jason Ellis]

Give me. Give me one ball.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Long, crinkled hair. Like, you know, Girls in the 80s used to crinkle their hair. And Rod Stewart short, spiky on top a little bit. Oh, I know.

[Jason Ellis]

I'll say this.

[Greg Stone]

I thought it wasn't Lewis. I was like, no way. But if anyone is gonna mix up white people, well, it's Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's always.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If anyone's gonna mix up white people, it's this guy.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's all keep in mind that Lewis used to sell comedy club tickets on the streets in times. Yes.

[Jason Ellis]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I was like, hey, Michael Bolton, did you want to go see a comedy show tonight?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

He goes, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

First. First of all, you called Michael Bolton Rod Stewart, and you remember because it was you.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You.

[Jason Ellis]

You J. I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But you know what? Honestly, try to blame it. I swear to God. I'm sorry to think it's Jay just because he's throwing it on me. And it makes no sense that I.

[Big J Okerson]

Would call Michael Bolton Kenny G before I called him Rod Stewart. That makes sense.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Makes total sense. I swear to God, I was picturing Kenny G. Good point.

[Jason Ellis]

They look identical. They both suck just as hard as each other.

[Ryan Shaner]

Too.

[Greg Stone]

Lewis would have been like, actually, Michael Bolton's performing at this comedy club tonight. Just buy five tickets.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maybe that's a little me. Me and Jason are one point apart each. If you guys start voting for me, you're going to put Jason in the lead. And that's fine if you guys want Jason to win, but I'm telling you right now, this is another story that's screaming Jason Ellis.

[Greg Stone]

I really no idea.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, stop writing it.

[Big J Okerson]

I want Jason to win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You. You're an idiot. You're an idiot.

[Jason Ellis]

I can honestly tell you there's no way that that would have ever happened to me. No, look at Mars Shaner.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's another Shaner story.

[Greg Stone]

No, it's a numbers game. I think y' all aren't playing him. I think it's Lewis. I think I'm gonna put Shane.

[Jason Ellis]

I think because.

[Greg Stone]

Because it makes sense, his numbers. Because if everyone gets on the right person.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just want me to lose.

[Greg Stone]

Wait, is that how that works?

[Big J Okerson]

You're a piece of shit. I don't understand. The numbers work hard to make because.

[Greg Stone]

Everyone picks the same one.

[Ryan Shaner]

Wait a minute.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Greg Stone]

All right, you're right. I thought. I thought I had a genius.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think it's me? I will say, just play the game how you want to play.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it's Greg and he's playing a great long game right now. Hey, he's playing a great long game right now.

[Jason Ellis]

It's not you. Where the.

[Big J Okerson]

Did Jason Ellis bump into Rod Stewart or Michael Bolton?

[Louis J. Gomez]

The X Games at Sirius xm.

[Greg Stone]

The er.

[Big J Okerson]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He ran a show on Sirius xm. Exam for.

[Ryan Shaner]

You're right.

[Big J Okerson]

In la, where there's much more famous people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys, listen to me. It's so obviously Jason, you idiot. He had a show on SiriusXM for a decade at least.

[Jason Ellis]

It was two decades, idiots.

[Big J Okerson]

Two full decades.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Idiots.

[Big J Okerson]

Ah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, look, it's. It's Ellis. Nobody else went for Ellis. Just let this dirty Australian take the lead in this game, idiot. You fucking fools. Alex, whose story was this?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story number seven belongs to Greg Stone.

[Big J Okerson]

I told you.

[Ryan Shaner]

I said, what a dick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I said, holy shit.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody was right.

[Big J Okerson]

I said, it's Greg. I picked you to let me know.

[Greg Stone]

When you guys are ready for the greatest story you're ever gonna hear.

[Big J Okerson]

Please.

[Greg Stone]

I apologize if it's a little bit. I'm just gonna tell the whole thing. I didn't drink till I was like 30 years old.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Old. Dating.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, I was.

[Jason Ellis]

I was straight edge.

[Greg Stone]

I was straight as the line that you stiff up your nose. I had problems, but I withdrew. I grew up with a bunch of bad. Anyway, so I was dating this girl, and she was a buyer for Toys R Us. She picked the toys the Toys R Us would sell. And so we had to go to a Toys R Us event. It was in New York City. It was hosted by Rosie o'.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Donnell.

[Greg Stone]

The New York Giants were there. It was this huge.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jeffrey. The draft was there. Jeffrey was there.

[Big J Okerson]

Jeffrey J. Carefree.

[Greg Stone]

We had to wear tuxedos. Whole thing, right? We get there and we get there, and she looked at me and she goes, look, we got a car home. Have a drink. Have a drink. I. I won't tell anyone if you did. And if you like it, Greg, play.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Chopsticks on this giant piano with your feet.

[Greg Stone]

She goes, if you like it, you.

[Jason Ellis]

Could keep doing it.

[Greg Stone]

If you don't, at least you like.

[Jason Ellis]

Like, you know.

[Greg Stone]

At least you know what you're fighting against, right? So I was like, all right, I'll have. I'll have a drink.

[Ryan Shaner]

I'll have a drink.

[Jason Ellis]

I'll have a drink.

[Ryan Shaner]

I'll have a. I'm get it in there.

[Greg Stone]

I had like, like a hundred Malibu Bay breezes, like, shutting them down, right?

[Big J Okerson]

She's like, are you okay? Want to put my inhale in your.

[Jason Ellis]

She said.

[Greg Stone]

So I had. I drinking this, Mel. I wake up the next morning and I. I wake up the next morning and my. The girl I was dating was in front of me. She had CVS pictures that she just had developed. This is back when it was developing. That means she left, went to CVS one hour photo came back. She looks at me, she goes, what do you remember about last night?

[Ryan Shaner]

Always good.

[Greg Stone]

And I was like, the New York Cabbage Patch Kids. She goes, every table got one limited edition Cabbage Patch Kid. You have six. And I was like, oh, my God. She goes, what do you remember about the New York Giants? I was like, they were there, right? And she was like, you were running up to them saying. She said, this is what I was saying. I was looking at them going, you got great arms. Can I take one for a ride? And they were like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then I would touch their arms and they would flex. She was like, you were fucking hammered. Then you pass out. You pass out at the table. You were, like, asleep. She goes, that's fine. I'll carry him home. No big deal. Rosie o' Donnell gets to the microphone. She goes, ladies and gentlemen, your musical gift guest, Michael Bolton. To which case, you sprang to your feet.

[Big J Okerson]

You looked me in the face and.

[Greg Stone]

You said, I have to do this. You ran past the New York Giants, jumped on stage, sang every word to When a Man Loves a Woman with Him.

[Big J Okerson]

And I was like, why didn't you stop me?

[Greg Stone]

She's like, you were crushing.

[Big J Okerson]

It was unbelievable.

[Greg Stone]

People were going nuts like you were. She was unbelievable. Nailing it right? And then I was like. Then she shows me the last picture and it's Michael Bolton doing this. And I go, what happened here? She goes, this is when you took the microphone out of his hand, looked at him, then looked at the crowd and said me hard and fast.

[Big J Okerson]

Rod Stewart.

[Greg Stone]

And called Michael Bolton, Rod Stewart to his face. And I have a picture.

[Jason Ellis]

I do.

[Greg Stone]

I have a picture.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Send it to. Send it to us because we're gonna put it in the show.

[Greg Stone]

Yeah, I can't do it now.

[Jason Ellis]

On behalf of everybody, thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a great story. That story might be in the story wars book next year.

[Greg Stone]

Two in the book.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great story. Two in the book.

[Greg Stone]

Doing the book, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

It's not a long book. It's just a couple of Greg's stories so far.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We are. Alex, where. Where are our points at? After seven stories, we have one more story. This is a crazy game right now.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Last place with no points from the second half with six points, Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Whoa, Jay. I do. I treat you to best. I treat you the best.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In fourth place with 10 points.

[Big J Okerson]

Does it even hurt you at all? Do you like it? You like it? Kind of.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Oh, you.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In fourth place with 10 points, Ryan Shaner.

[Ryan Shaner]

Bush league.

[Greg Stone]

This is the most fun I've ever had in my life.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In third place with 13 points, Jason Ellis. In second place with 14 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Ryan Shaner]

Sucking.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Wait, what?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

And in the lead.

[Big J Okerson]

Is it happening?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

With 19 points, Greg Stone.

[Big J Okerson]

Who let the Greg out? The Greg out Sweep. Who?

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Who? Who?

[Big J Okerson]

Damn. Shit.

[Greg Stone]

This means so much to me, man.

[Big J Okerson]

This game is crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Out of reach for me.

[Greg Stone]

But.

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody else is still involved, which is crazy. Dude, I'm here though. I'm playing.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Gentlemen, let's take a quick moment to thank Chubby's for supporting the show. And you should know that Chubby's has just launched their fall collection. It's full, comfortable pieces that look amazing. And Chubby's just on for shorts anymore. We were in Chubby shorts all summer long. We were pontoonin. We were by the pool. We had their. Their bathing suits, their shorts, the long shorts. I wore the short shorts when I was just with the boys. Let you guys see my thick thighs. But they don't just have shorts anymore.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

I swore at some point your knob was going to come out of the side.

[Big J Okerson]

Died.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Nope.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

But it never did.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Never did. That's how good Chubby's. They keep you covered where you want to be covered.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

No, no, no, no, no. They were short enough to have a knob pop out. You're just tiny. Tiny penis wouldn't.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Well, you know, I wouldn't call it tiny. Tiny. I think it's slightly below average. And that's okay. I think with, you know, being a little below average, it enabled this, how I felt about being in school. Like I was a below average student. But when you're below average, you figure out ways to get it done. You have to. So I get the job done, and I get it done enthusiastically. But that's not what we're here to talk about. We're talking about how fall should be cozy and not lays down that fat dick.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

But besides that.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

You have to hang loose with some chubbies. They have really just amazing. Just comfortable clothing, period. They're everywhere. Jogger is a new staple in my household. It's a perfect pant for weekend errands, naps, and everything in between. So right now, what you have to do is simply go to Chubby Shorts.com and use the code WARS. W A R Z. W A R Z. You're gonna get $10 off your order today. Once again, that is Chubbysshorts. Do use that promo code Warz for $10 off your order. Support the show. Show your thigh some respect with Chubbies.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, where were we?

[Alexandra (Producer)]

This.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look, the three of us could still win. We have one more story this. Ready for our last story.

[Greg Stone]

Come on, folks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Without further ado, Alex, story number eight.

[Greg Stone]

Has anyone ever just really a name before the story? Like, just mavericked it?

[Jason Ellis]

I think we have.

[Greg Stone]

All right, my bad, then.

[Jason Ellis]

You still Michael Bolton, so I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

Care if you win or lose.

[Jason Ellis]

That's the greatest ever. Just that I know that he was there and you did that to him. Just. I'm going to smile about that every now and then for the rest of my life.

[Greg Stone]

Dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Taking the mic out of his hand to be like, I got you. Listen, somebody else give you your flowers. Rod Stewart, everybody.

[Jason Ellis]

So good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Amazing.

[Big J Okerson]

Give it up, Sugar Hill Gang.

[Jason Ellis]

Hey, you know that guy has a statue of himself in his backyard.

[Big J Okerson]

Does he really?

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, and he called it Rod still.

[Big J Okerson]

Boom.

[Ryan Shaner]

Dude, that is amazing.

[Jason Ellis]

Annihilated.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Our final story. Story number eight.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Let's go, Alex.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Story Number eight. I was beaten by a female police officer.

[Big J Okerson]

Feels like a Philly story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Again, be by a female police officer. I know it's not Jay because Jay claims that no female police officer could take him. Not Jay. Now, there's one thing sure. It's not J. I'll tell you what.

[Big J Okerson]

This would be a good move by me though, to I should have done this, but it wouldn't be real because it's impossible for it to happen.

[Greg Stone]

It feels like it just happened.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, maybe they had. Maybe she put a gun out first and put it to their temple like this and then beat the out of them because then that's hot.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Why that would happen?

[Jason Ellis]

That's different.

[Big J Okerson]

But if she even pulled it out and didn't put it against my head and just kind of was waving it around, I'd take a shot at fighting her. Still, it's still a chick.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

You see, Sh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shaner is 4:11.

[Greg Stone]

Right?

[Jason Ellis]

I know, I didn't want to say it, but you said it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I do feel it's like this is where a female cop really gets to flex her a little bit.

[Jason Ellis]

She was like, oh, hingo, I got. I got one. Right? Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going to kneecap this guy. I'm going to vertical suplex him.

[Ryan Shaner]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

Ddt. Just practice some real wrestling on him.

[Ryan Shaner]

If she's doing some real good. How hot is this cop?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Big J Okerson]

The question.

[Ryan Shaner]

How hot is this cop?

[Greg Stone]

Hey, Linda, why don't you take a.

[Big J Okerson]

Crack at this one?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

Go ahead.

[Big J Okerson]

Good cop, hot cop.

[Ryan Shaner]

I'm a drunk guy fist fighting a wall over there. Go him up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be Ellis too, because he.

[Greg Stone]

Probably gets pulled over a lot now.

[Big J Okerson]

Because you face, you have tattoos, you look this.

[Greg Stone]

You look like a.

[Big J Okerson]

This could be an Ellis. Like he's beaten by a female police officer. But it's like not on duty. Like back at his place and she was like wearing a thing and cracking his ass and stuff like that.

[Ryan Shaner]

This also could be a board game. We never really went into that.

[Jason Ellis]

Well, wait a minute. Why would you say that?

[Big J Okerson]

That's true. It doesn't mean beaten physically. They're beaten in life somehow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's actually a great point.

[Ryan Shaner]

It might even have been the game Life, we don't know.

[Jason Ellis]

Or it might or maybe don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

You were beaten for your sergeant. Who's going to become sergeant by a female police officer? Is anybody here a sergeant?

[Louis J. Gomez]

So Ellis is. Ellis is very tough. Right. But also, I don't think that Ellis.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Would ever hit a woman.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Right.

[Greg Stone]

He's not going to fight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I think he was.

[Jason Ellis]

People in Australia hit women all the time. That's what we're known for.

[Big J Okerson]

It's like the reason.

[Jason Ellis]

Notice how my girlfriend is always a good girl.

[Ryan Shaner]

The stars on the flag are actually over a woman's head after a fist hits it. That's what those stars mean.

[Big J Okerson]

There's always birds chirping.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going, Ellis or Shane or Ellis or Shane or.

[Big J Okerson]

This feels like Shaner to me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Shaner's also. You've been. You've been. You've been. You're a rascal, a rap scallion.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah, I may have. I may have.

[Jason Ellis]

She on his.

[Big J Okerson]

On a sandwich.

[Ryan Shaner]

I may have a few run ins with the law, but honestly, female cops. I don't take ser that. I mean. Whoa, sorry, sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

None of us do. None of us.

[Ryan Shaner]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Everyone shut up. Round of applause. Who takes female police officers seriously? Honest. Round.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Shaner]

Listen, all right.

[Greg Stone]

They still have a gun.

[Ryan Shaner]

Oh, yeah. Do they even know how to use that thing? Nobody knows. You know how many times I take a gun out of a woman's table? Like Rod Stewart, everybody. They don't know what they're doing.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I'd love for a female cop pull a gun on me and just take it out of her hand, like clunk her on the head. Come on, don't be stupid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Idiot.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Away forever.

[Big J Okerson]

Put it away for someone gets hurt.

[Ryan Shaner]

That's hard, man.

[Greg Stone]

Is what I would say if I was beaten by a police officer.

[Ryan Shaner]

Officer.

[Greg Stone]

I don't know. I think you. But also you. I said your meat was beaten by a police will. Officer. Maybe it was you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's right, because you were beaten off by the police.

[Ryan Shaner]

You were beaten off by a female police officer.

[Jason Ellis]

Look, I'm not really good with the English language, but I would have explained it a little better than that.

[Ryan Shaner]

And Sandra Bullock played a police officer in Demolition Man.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

That's correct.

[Big J Okerson]

Why are you things connecting right now?

[Jason Ellis]

Wait a minute. You're saying you're not Officer Bolic.

[Big J Okerson]

The future is now.

[Ryan Shaner]

I'm just saying.

[Jason Ellis]

Look, I. I hate to pick on little guys, but so do female police officers.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I'm feeling Shaner.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

What the.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't give a. I'm out of the game.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Why am I being all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't. Oh, what if I.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

It doesn't matter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, if we all.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Here's the thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If we all vote Shaner and it's Ellis. Ellis is going to end up winning this just by pure mathematics. Right.

[Greg Stone]

What I do before I know, I.

[Jason Ellis]

Think, wait, I could win still.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can still win. Yeah, you might win.

[Greg Stone]

I think it's Shaner, but I don't want to get Ellis in the game.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

I'm getting.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm giving. I'm getting.

[Jason Ellis]

No way any of us can lose to a. Sorry. You can't. You can't lose to a female.

[Big J Okerson]

Correct.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, he could, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Why did you say that?

[Jason Ellis]

No, not you, Ryan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shaner is my answer. Hey, you got Joe instinct. Every time I go against my initial instincts, I'm wrong.

[Greg Stone]

Who do you think, Shaner.

[Ryan Shaner]

I mean, having punched. Who here has punched a woman in the face before?

[Big J Okerson]

Here.

[Ryan Shaner]

Here.

[Jason Ellis]

How many times are we talking? What did she say?

[Ryan Shaner]

What did she say? It's not what she said, it's what she did. She didn't fart on my stromboli.

[Big J Okerson]

You want to lift me free?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You fought on my something. A saying for somebody that ruined your day. She really farted on my.

[Ryan Shaner]

Farted on my stromboli.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, dude, listen, I hate to fart in your stromboli, but we gotta do another hour and a half, and we're not getting double pay overtime. Lewis, was it you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no. I've never been beaten by a female. Are you beaten by a female cop? That's crazy.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

If a female cop started beating me, it's all on.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm like, all right, you know what? I was going to let you arrest me, but now I'm going to escape you. Happy? I was going to let you arrest me, but you started beating on me. And now I'm going to show you I was letting you arrest me, and now I will escape you.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Happy?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think everyone voted Shaner.

[Big J Okerson]

Who?

[Ryan Shaner]

Who here agrees that it's me?

[Big J Okerson]

Nobody.

[Ryan Shaner]

Nobody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Real quick, who. Who thinks it's Ellis?

[Big J Okerson]

Ellis?

[Jason Ellis]

One guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, clap your hands.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

Don't raise your hand.

[Greg Stone]

You Psych.

[Jason Ellis]

So everybody thinks it's this lady right there. Everybody thinks it's Lewis.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah.

[Jason Ellis]

Look at this.

[Big J Okerson]

It is.

[Greg Stone]

I think it is Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah.

[Big J Okerson]

Mark my words. And I come through with everything I say. If this is Lewis, I'll quit the show. No, don't say that.

[Ryan Shaner]

Whoa.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. We love you.

[Greg Stone]

I don't watch that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You. It's not you either.

[Big J Okerson]

I wouldn't hang with the guy who got beat up by a female cop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

It's not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, it's not Jay. It's not me. It's Shaner or Ellis. We all voted Shaner. We have. This is our final story. Who is the winner here? Alex, whose story was this?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

The final story of the night. Please, God, be belongs to Jason.

[Ryan Shaner]

Idiot. I knew it.

[Big J Okerson]

You son of a. You son of a. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

[Jason Ellis]

Wow.

[Ryan Shaner]

What a real pussy, guys.

[Big J Okerson]

I knew it. Because you wanted a woman. What a real fucking pussy.

[Ryan Shaner]

Fuck.

[Jason Ellis]

The next day is when I started taking steroids.

[Ryan Shaner]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Fuck, I knew it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jason, what happened here? Why did this female cop beat your ass?

[Jason Ellis]

Okay, it's beat good, too. So I was in San Diego with a bunch of drunk guys, and we got in a fight in an alleyway. And we were just punching each other, you know, I was just punching to save my friends. We were fighting a bunch of dudes. And I had hair back then. Fucking son of a bitch. I had long, luscious locks. You should have seen me. I was really attractive. Fuck, man. But I was punching a guy and somebody pulled my hair, and I just spun around and. And punched him.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

No.

[Jason Ellis]

And it was a female police officer.

[Big J Okerson]

That's the worst thing that could have happened.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

So.

[Jason Ellis]

So she hits the ground, and I go, oh. And I just take off running because I'm like, that's a cop. I didn't think about the girl.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

That's so funny.

[Jason Ellis]

And I run and I hear, like, someone's catching me. And I'm. I'm like, you know, I'm drunk.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not only she beat you up, she outran you. You fell.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

The Terminator, Jack.

[Big J Okerson]

Genesis.

[Jason Ellis]

She clicked my. You know, when you do the. You do the click of the. Hey, man, I'm a pro skateboarder. We don't go quick. Dude, if I'm not on the wheels, I fucking hobble. I always have.

[Ryan Shaner]

You're crushing.

[Jason Ellis]

My shit is broke, dude. I cannot run. She clicked one of my leg, one of my feet, and hit the other foot, and I fucking hit the deck. And then she grabs me and put handcuffs on and put me up against the wall, and she kneed me in the ass and it smashed my balls on the wall.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Then you came.

[Jason Ellis]

It made me headbutt the wall. And then she took me, and this is before I was a citizen, before I had a green card and all that shit. And they took me back to the county jail, and because she was mad that I punched her, she handcuffed. She put me on my knees and handcuffed my hands behind my hamstrings. So I was on my face on my knees. And then she beat me with a baton for like. For like half an hour, dude. Like a long time.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, a little. Your fault. Because you should have come quicker.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, it got worse, dude. They put me in a. In a. In a cell. And I was so drunk, I passed out. And there was a homeless guy in there, and he pissed himself. And I woke.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you get a video?

[Jason Ellis]

And I Woke. I'm. I'm 53. This was before we had fucking camera phones. But I woke up and I was sleeping in the homeless guy's piss.

[Greg Stone]

And then.

[Jason Ellis]

And then are like, you're. They just let me go. Like, the next day, they're like, that was your punishment.

[Big J Okerson]

You were sentenced to. You were sentenced to homeless pissnap.

[Jason Ellis]

Yeah, well, I think. I think the police officer was like, well, I did assault the. Out of you for 30 minutes, so let's just call it even, Stevens.

[Greg Stone]

Nice.

[Jason Ellis]

And off you go. And then we walk from Vista County Jail, like, back to Mission Beach. It's a really long walk on the freeway. And I. My. The. The homeless man's picture piss dried up on my dick, and it made me chafe. So I walk like a Crab for like four hours sideways on the fucking 405. And I've never hit a lady since.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Nice.

[Greg Stone]

Good to you.

[Big J Okerson]

How funny.

[Greg Stone]

It'd be funny if you were like. And ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to female officer. My wife.

[Big J Okerson]

We all worked on down that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, eight stories down. I. I don't actually know who won this. I think I have an idea. What is our final count, Alex?

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

All right. In dead last place with six.

[Greg Stone]

Oh, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Big J. I said funny stuff still. Whoa.

[Greg Stone]

And quit the show.

[Alex (Scorekeeper/Announcer)]

In fourth place, with 10 points, Ryan Shaner. In third place with 14 points, Luis J. Gomez. Second place, scored 19 points. And your winner tonight with 21 points, Jason Ellis.

[Jason Ellis]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Jesus Christ.

[Big J Okerson]

Usa.

[Greg Stone]

Usa.

[Big J Okerson]

Usa. Usa.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah, baby.

[Ryan Shaner]

All the way.

[Jason Ellis]

USA. Cheeseburgers, beer party.

[Ryan Shaner]

Fuck it, dude.

[Jason Ellis]

America and steroids.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you inform Jason?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did. Jason, now you're officially a story warrior. So you can. You can. You can trigger what we've all been triggering all night.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

What.

[Alexandra (Producer)]

What.

[Jason Ellis]

What do I do now?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Double points.

[Greg Stone]

Double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Double points.

[Unknown Female Speaker (possibly a co-host or guest)]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, it feels great, doesn't it?

[Ryan Shaner]

Those two ladies hate me.

[Jason Ellis]

I swear to God I won't punch you, I promise.

[Big J Okerson]

No, that was the old hair.

[Jason Ellis]

Just don't pull my hair.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What a show, folks.

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody, your newest story warrior, Jason Ellis. Wow. A big round of applause for our entire panel. Greg Stone. Ryan Shane. I'm Big J. Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars. Good night.

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[Alexandra (Producer)]

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