065. Sal Vulcano, Mike Recine, Hormoz Rashidi | Darkness

Summary

Story Warz Episode 065: "Darkness" (October 31, 2025)

Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez face off at The Stand Comedy Club for a Halloween special with guests Sal Vulcano, Mike Recine, and Hormoz Rashidi.

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Main Theme & Purpose

Episode Focus:
Players compete in "Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling," where each panelist submits stories based on the theme "Darkness"—from personal pranks to literal dark moments—and must guess who wrote each story. The game centers on bluffing, deduction, comedic ribbing, and, above all, funny, often self-deprecating stories about shame, adolescence, and weirdness.

Objective:
Fool the panel to score points and claim the episode’s prize: the book How to Love a Black Man by Dr. Ron Elmore.

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Panelists

• Big Jay Oakerson (Co-host)
• Luis J. Gomez (Co-host)
• Sal Vulcano (Impractical Jokers, guest)
• Mike Recine (Comedian, guest)
• Hormoz Rashidi (Comedian, guest)

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Game Rules (brief)

• Each panelist submits 3-5 stories on the episode’s theme.
• Producer Alex reads the stories anonymously.
• The goal: Guess who wrote it; authors bluff to avoid detection.
• Points: 2 for correct guesses; 1 for each person fooled.
• Later rounds have double points to swing the game.

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Key Discussion Points, Round-by-Round

[02:19] - [07:42] Introduction & Panel Setup

• Classic Story Warz banter and quick catch-up.
• Halloween and theme “Darkness” announced.
• Tonight’s prize: How to Love a Black Man
• “I see a few gals in the crowd who look like they really want that book.” – Luis [08:43]

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[09:20] Story #1

Story: After a friend's death, I told a mutual friend he was still alive. Had to call back later and explain he’d died.

• Panel guesses: Jay, Sal, or Lewis. Hormoz ribbed about his Iranian heritage and losing friends in wars.
• Notable moment: Hormoz does deadpan misdirection, makes light of the suspicion:
  “No, that does sound like it could be me. I have lost so many people in wars. But no, it’s not me for sure.” – Hormoz [10:17]
• Reveal: It was Hormoz! [16:52]
• Hormoz explains: He thought it’d be a funny prank but immediately regretted it after calling back about the real death.
  “And then I had to call him back and be like, hey, you know how I said Jeff’s alive? He’s dead.” [18:26]

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[20:53] Story #2

Story: I dressed as The Crow and stood still in a deli parking lot in the rain to freak out my friend. He called the police.

• Wild speculation: Jay and Luis both accused of goth/alt tendencies.
• Recine on goth culture: “If you had a dad, you wouldn’t do this.” [22:45]
• Sal denies ever having a duster coat or being a goth, but Big Jay and Luis needle him hard.
• Theorizing about race and goth aesthetics, referencing the crows from Dumbo, Miss Doubtfire, etc.
• Reveal: It was Sal! [29:11]
• “I stood in the parking lot like a good 20 feet away... at first he laughed, and then... he started to get nervous, because I didn’t move... and then he called the police.” – Sal [30:06]

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[33:18] Story #3

Story: Girl I was dating went home with a famous comedian. Afterward, I stood in front of the East River to see if I could kill myself.

• Immediate groupthink that this is Recine; everyone piles on about career frustration.
• “This is dramatically all me. But this never happened to me.” – Jay [34:43]
• Classic Story Warz misdirection: “It’s never the person you think it is.” – Recine [39:00]
• Reveal: It was Mike Recine! [40:04]
• Story about working at Caroline’s Comedy Club; girlfriend went home with Daniel Tosh.
  “Let me see if I want to do this, you know, and the thought would be to jump in [the river].” [41:39]

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[47:22] Story #4

Story: I quit Boy Scouts after being abandoned in the woods at night by my troop.

• Spirited debate about Cub Scouts, Weeblos, and childhood trauma. Humorous side stories about Pinewood Derby and not having fathers.
• Jay insists: “I never made it to weblos. I was out before We Blows because...” [47:56]
• Sal second guesses, Jay gaslights him (“If that’s your vote, go with it!”), leading to an in-game betrayal.
• Reveal: It was Big Jay! [55:48]
• “The guys started jogging to the girls' camp, and eventually I stopped hearing their footsteps... No flashlight, no idea where the camp is. Sad, trying not to cry.” [59:59]
• Sal is emotionally wounded by Jay’s game (comedic highlight):
  “You crossed a boundary. This is new waters for us.” – Sal [56:33]

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[68:03] Story #5 (Double Points)

Story: Sometimes when I’m driving on the freeway late at night, I close my eyes to see how long I can go.

• The word “freeway” becomes the clue; suspicion falls on Hormoz (West Coast) but he quickly deflects.
• “Lewis put the word freeway in as a way to deflect on the west coast guy because he plays hard.” – Hormoz [70:22]
• Mike gamely plays the depressed Italian card: “I don’t do it with my kids in the car.” [73:03]
• Reveal: It was Mike Recine! [72:21]

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[77:00] Story #6

Story: I fingered a girl in my high school photography darkroom after she modeled for me.

• Heated debate over who had photography classes; Sal says he's never fingered a girl:
  “I’ve never fingered anyone in my life. It’s gross.” – Sal [78:50]
• Comedic skirmish over hygiene and adolescent sex.
• Hormoz, Jay, and Luis all play up bluff/double-bluff, targeting each other and causing Sal existential distress.
• Reveal: It was Luis! [87:41]
• “I really always wanted to be some sort of creepy director... I was like, ‘Come after school, I’ll take some photos of you.’ Then I finger-banged her in the darkroom. I think it was consensual, but honestly, it was too dark.” – Luis [88:36–88:55]

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[90:51] Story #7

Story: As a kid, a woman convinced us she decapitated our friend, then showed his “head” in the window.

• Guesses split between Sal and Recine.
• Sal describes a Halloween memory in Staten Island apartments:
  “She pulled his head up from the window... It was pretty fucked up. We were screaming, like, get the authorities!” [96:04]
• Reveal: Sal again! [95:08]

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[99:59] Story #8

Story: At a festival, a guy claimed to be the brother of Justin Hawkins (of the band The Darkness). I didn’t care.

• Jay’s history with musical acts comes under scrutiny.
• The on-the-nose “Darkness” tie as tonight’s theme.
• Reveal: Big Jay! [106:01]
• “Cape Town Comedy Festival... his big claim to fame: ‘Yeah, my brother’s Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of Darkness’... everyone was like, who gives a shit?” [106:05]

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Final Round: Overtime ("Jeopardy" Style)

• Tiebreaker between Luis and Mike Recine:
  Players wagered points on the identity of one more mystery story.

Story #9: My ex-girlfriend would run through the pitch-black woods to meet me. I would not have done the same for her; I’m afraid of woods and the dark.

• Reveal: Big Jay again!
• “She would climb out of the window of her parents’ trailer... walk through the woods... I would not have done that same thing for her.” [113:13]

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Final Results & Winner

• Big Jay Okerson: 11 points (last place, but with most overtime stories)
• Hormoz Rashidi: 14 points
• Mike Recine & Sal Vulcano: 15 points (tied for 2nd)
• Luis J. Gomez: 32 points (WINNER)
• “He’s bored of winning. Look at his face. Zero emotion. He’s like, another book.” — Jay, [115:09]

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Notable Quotes & Comedic Highlights

• Sal: “As soon as I heard Crow, I know one of you guys dressed like the Crow. You love delis.” [21:32]
• Hormoz: “No, that does sound like it could be me. I have lost so many people in wars.” [10:17]
• Jay to Sal (after betrayal): “You look me right in the eyes... We’ve never just looked and lied.” [56:39]
• Mike Recine: “This game is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.” [33:02]
• Luis: “Who hasn’t done this? It’s a fun game at night. Once in a while, you got to play the game.” (re: driving with eyes closed) [69:01]
• Sal (defending not fingering girls): “Even washing my hands. Taking a risk doing that.” [79:27]
• Jay (on his ex’s visits): “She would just emerge from the woods in her Charlotte Hornet starter jacket, and then I would just release her back into the wood.” [113:13]

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Timestamps to Key Moments

• [05:16] Guest intros and story theme announced
• [09:20] First story and immediate Iranian jokes/deflection
• [16:52] First big reversal—Hormoz’s story reveals the game's deception is working
• [29:11] Crow story revealed – Sal’s most theatrical moment
• [34:43–43:00] Story about heartbreak and suicide at the East River, featuring Mike Recine’s low-key style
• [56:10] Dramatic game betrayal; discussion about broken trust
• [68:03–73:24] Double points round—stakes are raised, Recine surprises with the “driving” story
• [87:41] Luis’ photography class confession—panels’ disgust over finger-banging
• [106:01] Jay’s “Darkness” band story, classic misdirection
• [113:13] Jay’s romantic confessions—trailer shenanigans

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Raucous, irreverent, and self-effacing; constant ribbing ("You in the Boy Scouts? They have those in Iran?" "That's the most Mexican-sounding Iranian name I’ve ever heard." [09:49])
• Vulnerable moments (heartbreak, not having fathers, teenage humiliations) are undercut and elevated with absurdity and sharp wit.
• Strong camaraderie and real moments of genuine emotion, even as the competition and deception escalate.
• Even betrayals are spun into running gags that escalate the comedy and game tension.

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Memorable Moments

• Sal’s theatricality: From standing as The Crow to retelling a childhood prank so dark it borders on horror.
• Mike Recine surprising the panel with a dark driving game and a very real heartbreak.
• Jay and Sal’s mock-dramatic spat over “trust” during game betrayal.
• Hormoz’s persistent Middle East jokes, and uncanny ability to convince the room (twice) it “couldn’t possibly be” him.

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Conclusion

This episode showcases the best of "Story Warz": wickedly funny stories, personal darkness turned into communal comedy, psychological warfare among friends, and heartfelt vulnerability disguised as jokes. Luis J. Gomez reclaims his title as the ultimate “story warrior,” but not before every panelist stabs and is stabbed (in jest and occasionally in trust), making this one of the most closely fought—and hysterical—episodes of the series.

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Next Episode: Promised further chaos, more betrayals, and (as always) more merch plugs, live shows, and inside references.

Transcript

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[D]

You'Re like.

[A]

Did I get fucking taken last night again? I got taken again. That's the life. I'm getting my ass beaten. They're getting their ass eaten. Don't tell me that's not a better way to get punished. Don't get out. What are you doing? Stop it. Give me my privacy.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

What's going on? Hey, Story Warriors. Before we start the show, I want to let you know that we have some brand new [e-mail] the website's up and running and everything is in stock including the logo shirt, the Story warriors shirt, and of course our very very popular double point shirt. Yeah.

[D]

We got some more hoodies coming soon to get ready for the fall. Do not forget we're doing a special meet and greet at Skank Fest exclusively for fans who come in their official merch. So do not delay. Head on over to StoryWarSmerch.com to get your gear and rep the show you love.

[A]

What's going on? Story Warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[D]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun. Buck face.

[A]

New yorkcomedyclub.com Fill her up.

[D]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors. Big J. Okerson and Lewis J.

[D]

Go yeah. Oh, what is up? Welcome to Story wars at our brand new home. You dumb bitch. At our new home, the New York Comedy Club. Make some fucking noise in here for me, will you? New York.

[A]

Another amazing sold out show. We are celebrating Halloween here this week on Story Wars. Happy Halloween. Spooky.

[D]

We always answers of all of our sold out crowds here at the New York Comedy Club. How many people are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[A]

And who here is not familiar with the Game Story Wars. I don't know who said that, but I imagine it's being an old lady.

[D]

Boo, boo, boo, boo that man.

[A]

Okay, not. Not many people. You guys will get into it. You'll understand the game pretty quickly, but we have a pretty amazing panel. J, do you want to get this panel started?

[D]

I will get this panel started, everybody. Our first guest coming to the stage, he's got a podcast called Racine Time. He's got a special called I'm Normal available right now on YouTube. How about it for the hilarious Mike Racine in the house?

[A]

Mike Racine is a returning Story wars competitor. Did not win last time. Have you been practicing at home, Mike?

[C]

I came in last place last time. It was really humiliating and I've thought about it every single day.

[A]

Good.

[D]

Oh, you think about it less if it happened every week like it does to me. I've learned to just move on from it. I walk away. I leave it all right here on the stage.

[A]

Well, I wish you luck, Mike. Hopefully you will not get in last place tonight. Your next competitor making his Story wars debut from the Dogs of Browntown podcast. And a regular at the Comedy Store in from la clapping I was loud for Hormones run.

[D]

And last but not least, our third and final contestant, everyone. He's got a stand up special called Terrified available right now on Max. Also, you might know him from the Impractical Jokers. How about it for the hilarious Sal Volcano, everyone?

[A]

Now, Sal is a returning Story wars competitor and a former Story wars winner. So you are a story warrior. Sal returning to defend his title. The big deal. All right, we're happy to have you back, my friend.

[B]

Now, why were you guys more excited.

[C]

To see Sal than anybody else?

[A]

What was that about? You all look like you could be named Sal.

[D]

The three Sals. If you are unfamiliar with the game Story wars, your first time listening at home, it's a very easy game. Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic, Louis. Darkness, darkness, darkness.

[A]

I got that pumpkin in there.

[D]

Oh, is that a pumpkin? I thought it was cherries or like a double foot. I don't know what the hell it was, quite honestly. Look at one of those maraschino cherries. It also. It looks like the. It looks like a profile of like when you make a peanut butter cookie with a Hershey kiss in it.

[A]

Yeah, Jay's fat kid is showing.

[D]

You drew it.

[C]

I. I never understood those cookies.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, because you don't get the kiss. The Hershey kiss.

[A]

With all the. All the bites.

[D]

That's true. Yeah. I'm going home.

[B]

But. But it makes for an explosive ending, I guess.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does. Okay.

[D]

You can always just one bite it and always keep your eyes on the next one the way I do. But I. I have a different kind of relationship with food, I think. We've all submitted three to five stories on darkness. Our lovely producer Alex is going to read those stories off, eight of them in fact, one at a time, and we will see it right here on the screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody on the panel that it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story, you have the opportunity to get four points. That's a very big opportunity, folks. Once you write the person's name, your vote on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand, that is your final answer. You can't change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, folks, we're playing for fun. It's always a lot of fun. This is going to be the most fun you've had this Halloween. But we're not just playing for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today.

[D]

That last shot was rough. Every week here on Story wars, we are playing for a book out of the Story wars library. Tonight's book, the winner is Going home. How to Love a Black man by Dr. Ron with two N's. Ron Elmore.

[A]

It's written by my son's mother.

[D]

How to Love a black man is a straightforward guide. Don't need it.

[B]

I know how already.

[D]

It's a straightforward guide for women to seeking a built, strong, loving relationships with black men. Dr. Elmore, a seasoned counselor, helps women truly understand what black men are thinking and feeling, which is often kept private. He offers hope. I'm hungry that a deeply satisfying love is absolutely possible when both people commit to learning and communicating how to love a black man.

[A]

I see a few gals in the crowd who look like they really want that book right now.

[D]

I think everyone that's gonna understand the game understands it. And I think we're ready to start this thing. Is this crowd ready for war?

[B]

Come on.

[D]

I said, is this crowd ready for war?

[A]

It sounds like a bunch of seals.

[D]

Then without any further Ado Alex. Story number one.

[E]

Story number one. After a friend's death, I told a mutual friend that he was still alive. I had to call back and explain that our friend had actually died.

[A]

Okay, Hormos, I don't know your background. I know your name is Hormos, which sounds Mexican. Your last name is Rashidi, which sounds Arab.

[F]

Iranian. I'm. I'm 100% Iranian.

[A]

You're 100% Hormos is an Iranian name.

[F]

Iranian.

[A]

Yeah. That's the most Mexican sounding Iranian name I've ever heard. That would be Ormos Oros is really.

[D]

So.

[A]

So this is what I'm saying. Like, I'm assuming you have a lot of friends that have been.

[F]

That have died, blown up.

[A]

And that happen so often that you get confused and you're like, no, no, no, no.

[D]

No, Rashid is alive.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, no, he's dead. I up.

[F]

No, that does sound like it could be me. I have lost so many people in wars.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

You know, I. But no, it's not me for sure. Why would. Why would I tell somebody that? That's crazy. That's a crazy thing to do, is tell somebody that you're somebody's alive when they're dead.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not buying your excuses right now.

[B]

All right?

[A]

You're panicking a little bit.

[F]

Write me down. You'll be wrong. I definitely would never do that. I don't really know everybody that well. I don't think Sal would do it. I don't think Mike. I don't know. I think it's one of you two. Honestly.

[D]

No, I do remember when poor William Stevenson, comedian, died. Sal. I found out and Sal texted me. He said, did you hear about William Stevenson? And I went, oh, no. Is he near you, though? Cause he owes me like 700 bucks. If you wouldn't mind just nudging him for me and just tell him.

[B]

I forgot about that.

[D]

Oh, wait. If you would just hold him there, because I'm gonna come there and beat the shit out of him, actually, because he owes me money's been fucking with me, so don't let him leave.

[A]

J. He's passed.

[D]

I. I can see Lewis doing this.

[B]

I can only see Lewis doing this.

[D]

Yeah, Lewis is the guy who goes 100% without any fail. And then he'll be like, oh, I was actually 100% wrong.

[C]

Lewis does kind of over promise.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. So he'd be like, oh, yeah, he's.

[A]

Alive, but he's alive over promise and under deliver. He's really dead. He's not just dead. This guy is a fucking mess.

[D]

He was murdered aggressively.

[A]

I mean, Sal. Sal, you know, Sal's a silly, fun guy, full of blunders, full of wonder, full of joy.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good way. That's a nice description.

[A]

And also, maybe he was talking to one of his friends through his headsets and the connection got fucked up and they misheard. That could have been one of the things as well. Okay.

[D]

Sal, tell that guy his mother's there. Oh, actually, tell him no, she's alive. And then swear. Fuck. I just found out she actually died. Unrelated to the impractical joke. I like your train of thought, Louis. Now that I. One man showed it. Yeah.

[A]

This, if nothing else, this is a dark story.

[F]

This is Lewis, I think, and this is why. I think because he went on the offensive against me right away. True to try to deflect.

[A]

You're part of a terrorist cell. He does the best defense is an offense. Usa. Usa. Usa.

[D]

Yeah, I don't know if you know, Louis also run. Lewis also has a yellow belt in Cobra Kai. So he strike first, strike hard, no mercy.

[B]

Did the story say that the person intentionally did that or that it was an accident?

[D]

Either way, it's still Lois, right? On purpose, on accident means a lot.

[B]

I mean, if someone did that as a goof, that's not funny. But if they accidentally got misinformation, then had to correct it, it could have happened to anyone.

[D]

So that's why I agree. It could happen to anyone. But the person who'd have to call back and explain that the friend actually died is because they, like we said, over guaranteed that the person was very alive.

[A]

Here's what you have to understand about me and my friends. We don't die.

[D]

We multiply.

[A]

We multiply. We're like babies, kids.

[C]

I mean, it's never the obvious person, which makes me think it's not Louis, you'd be surprised.

[D]

One time, the story was my father was stabbed and we all didn't pick Lewis because it was too obviously Lewis. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was Louis. We knew it was Lewis. No one said Lewis.

[A]

Yes, it was a great play.

[B]

That's the show at its peak right there.

[D]

I mean, that is.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. Here's what I'll say, though. Jay is sort of trying to throw it on me pretty hard right now for almost.

[D]

He's gonna do this nonsense. I'm gonna say he's just losing whatever he's about to try, you know? Where was Jay on the night of. You know, now that this guy's ringing.

[A]

The thing is, Jay starts getting very performative when he's guilty. This. No, this is guilty J right now. Look. Overacting. Go ahead, Jay. Keep on overacting.

[D]

I am pulling.

[A]

Now he's underacting. Look, now he's underacting. I see what's going on.

[F]

You guys have done a bunch of these episodes, right? Wouldn't this story have come up sooner? This is.

[A]

You'd be surprised how little we listen to each other.

[B]

Also, a friend dog. You total mutual for a lot of friends here. And I think all of Lewis's friends.

[A]

Are in this room, so that's true. Wait a minute. Dave Smith is dead. Put my name down. Jay. Convince everyone to put my name down. I'm gonna be the only person who gets points on this.

[D]

Let me tell you. He's gonna say it's me. He knows it's not me. Everybody say Louis. I'll accept all getting points if we all say Louis right now. He's so bummed. Oh, look at him. Oh, he knows.

[A]

He got.

[B]

Mike is.

[D]

He's doodling now because he's lost. I. I tell you, it's worth it if it's Lewis to say Louis. Ah, I don. You're really selling it hard. I know. He just said Sal.

[F]

You said me.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, that's a bad.

[A]

That's bad.

[B]

Mike has not said a word. He's just been in the show.

[D]

It could be Mike. I'm just saying, I would love to crush Louis.

[A]

Big J with a fingerless glove doing a rock and roll hand he doodled.

[D]

He's trying to keep his face normal, so he's doodling.

[A]

So I'm letting you know right now.

[B]

He'S one of you two.

[A]

Big J is doing a lot of acting right now.

[B]

I would think it was Louis, but.

[A]

Also look at Lujay.

[B]

You're really doing a big song and dance right now.

[A]

He is.

[D]

This is a comedy show. Lewis cares about winning. I'm carrying all the funny. I gotta fucking shuck and jive and dance, man. I don't win the game. Excellent point. That's all I got. Excellent point there.

[A]

You're a fool. You're an idiot, Sal. You just felt. You felt for her shucking.

[D]

And look who's still acting, Mr. Actor over here. Still acting.

[B]

Oh, I swear to God, when this is revealed, I will not make the same mistake twice.

[D]

Don't worry, Sal. I love you. I wouldn't do this to you.

[B]

Just look at me writing the balls on that one. I believe you. I believe you.

[D]

Everyone's in.

[E]

Wow. Everybody.

[A]

Oh, it was Goddamn. It was Hormos the whole time.

[E]

This Iranian pirate story number one belongs to Hormos Rashidi. Wow.

[B]

I see what we're doing.

[D]

Iran.

[F]

I thought it was me. Iran. Iran.

[D]

Iran.

[B]

I see. I see what we're doing.

[D]

God damn it. The Iron Sheik leg drops, Hulk Hogan.

[A]

We just let this goddamn. Wow. Hamas supporter pull ahead of us.

[D]

He really. It was so great. He goes, I would never. This is crazy. And I. Every time Susie said it, I went, I believe him. Yeah, you do.

[B]

Dismissive very well.

[D]

I.

[F]

That's completely true. This is exactly what happened. The great piano player at the Comedy Store, Jeff Scott, had just died. And so I found out the news, and my buddy Matt called and was.

[B]

Like, hey, do they call him Great Scott, Jeff Scott? No, but you said, the great piano player, Jeff Scott. I'm putting one together.

[D]

I'm getting two.

[B]

They should have now, to be honest.

[A]

With you, they're not calling him anything anymore.

[B]

They didn't call him Great Scott. They missed an opportunity.

[D]

Rip.

[F]

And, yeah, my buddy called and was like, is. Did you hear about Jeff? Is he okay? And I said, yeah, he's okay. And then I hung up the phone, and my buddy Morgan was like, why'd you do that? I'm like, I thought it would be funny, and it really wasn't. It really wasn't.

[A]

I'm watching him play right now.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

And then I had to call him back and be like, hey, you know how I said, jeff's alive? He's dead.

[D]

Great Scott.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

[F]

I don't know what's going on up here. Sometimes.

[A]

That's crazy. Well, I'll tell you right now, you really did just have a nice little clean sweep of round one. Alex, where are points at after one story?

[E]

After one story. In first place with four points.

[D]

Wow.

[E]

Hormos. Rashidi.

[D]

Oh, that's it. Oh, yeah. It's only. We were all bummed out, Alex. Yeah, really. Damn, Alex.

[F]

I'm gonna learn to love that black man. It's my destiny, dude.

[D]

It might be. It might be. Hey, story wars. You tired of smelling like. I don't mean just mean, like, your butt crack in your underarms. I mean, like, your whole disgusting body. Well, have we got a product for you, Mando. You found the right audience. It's a whole body deodorant that gets the job done. Made with mandelic acid, the stuff that blocks odor. Before it starts. Go ahead, join in on the game of touch football. You're all good with Mando. You know, it controls sweat and odor for 72 hours. That's three fucking days. Lewis doesn't need for that long sometimes. And after just 12 hours, underarm sweat was reduced by 92%. Amazing scents like bourbon leather, Pro Sport to smell incredible all day long.

[A]

I started giving it to my son because he's 12 and he's, you know, he's going through puberty now. But we don't want to give them all like the aluminum, the parabens, and all the other bullshit that sinks into your skin and causes crazy weird shit. So, yeah, this is all natural deodorant that's great for the entire body. I use it on my dirty, smelly balls all the time. Jay loves them. He loves sniffing my balls now. It's one of his favorite things about having them as a sponsor is now being able to sniff my balls and just feeling good about it.

[D]

I don't hate it.

[A]

They've. You got to try their starter pack. If you're new to mando, go to shopmando.com shop m a n d o.com and get the starter pack, which has a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, and two products of your choice, like the mini body wash or the deodorant wipes, plus free shipping. And we're going to give you 20 off if you use the promo code WARS. W A R Z. W A R Z. W A r [e-mail] all right, let's get back into it.

[D]

Alex. Story number two.

[E]

Story number two. I once dressed up like the crow. Went to the deli my friend worked at and stood completely still in the parking lot in the pouring rain for 10 minutes during his overnight shift, just staring into the store. He called the police.

[D]

This. This slaps of Weirdly, Louis or Sal.

[A]

Every. Every story is me. According to Big J. Big J, you currently dress like the crow.

[B]

As soon as I heard crow.

[A]

I know one of you guys dressed like the crow. You love delis. This is a big chase story.

[D]

You want. I don't even own a fucking long jacket. I dress like the crow. Really? Black leather.

[B]

Louis, you ever have a duster?

[D]

Absolutely guyliner.

[A]

This is a hilarious cheeks. This is a hilarious bit.

[D]

Okay, I never dressed up like the crow ever.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

You're the only two goths or former goths here.

[D]

Now this is Sal winging it because Sal will throw on a costume in a fucking heartbeat.

[A]

Sal loves a bit.

[F]

Yeah, he did have a goth.

[A]

Racine's Italian. His father Would beat him to death.

[D]

No way.

[A]

Not in this household.

[D]

Yeah, go stir the gravy. Take off that lady makeup. You're making your ma cry.

[B]

Dad, I want to be the Crow.

[A]

You ain't no out of my.

[D]

I don't want you laugh, though.

[A]

You know, I want.

[D]

Do my own thing.

[F]

Yeah. If you had a dad, you wouldn't do this. So I think it might be Louis.

[D]

I don't have a dad for that reason. It could have been.

[A]

Jay also doesn't have a dad. Sal, do you have a dad?

[B]

I. I have a dad. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I have a dad. But Sal is very theatrical and fun.

[D]

Right? No, this here's the thing.

[A]

S. Whimsical.

[D]

You don't understand. This isn't theatrical. This isn't a. A psychotic move. This is somebody being funny.

[A]

This is a bit.

[D]

You're doing a bit. That's what I'm saying. It's a commitment to a bit, which I think you and Lewis. I know.

[A]

Don't get me wrong.

[B]

I commit to bits.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

But this is a bit for one person.

[A]

That's right.

[F]

Which is psychotic.

[A]

The best kind of a bit for yourself rules.

[E]

Nice bit.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I also feel like at one point in your life, you wished you were the Crow.

[D]

One point.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Every time he trains mma, he thinks he's gonna be the Crow eventually.

[A]

No, I wasn't goth like that. I was. I wasn't really goth so much. I did wear eyeliner. I did have long, crowy, like, hair.

[B]

I've seen.

[A]

I did. I did have. I will admit that I had a long.

[B]

You were Hot Topic.

[A]

I was. I worked at Hot Topic when I.

[D]

Was in high school.

[A]

This is all true.

[D]

I do know that to be true.

[F]

I also think Lewis wrote it to make it seem like it's Jay because. Because Jay does dress like the Crow. I feel like it's Lewis.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

The Crow didn't wear blue jeans. I Did. You guys ever see the Crow?

[A]

I haven't.

[F]

No.

[A]

Joe hates.

[F]

But I know Sting kind of did a crow thing, so I think Jay.

[A]

Hates being called the Crow. It turns out.

[D]

I don't love it. And I'll tell you, it's just. It's. I don't like when funny's in action. Accurate as hell. I don't just like to crow.

[B]

That might have been what turned you on to fingerless gloves.

[D]

I do have fingerless gloves. That's not very crow like, though. But I tell you. But. But it also says I once dress.

[B]

Are those nails painted black?

[D]

They are.

[A]

Okay, that is true.

[D]

No, I dress like. I play in the band at the place where the crow kills a bunch of people with swords. I'm just like the crow. That's too much of a commitment to a look. But it also says I once, so I want. That's why I'm saying that's why I think it could be you. I don't think it's someone who lived life as the crow. Lewis definitely wanted to be the crow for a while. Without a doubt.

[F]

Brandon Lee's. I would more.

[D]

Again, this is my wigger time in life, so I would have. More likely before I was dressing like the crow, I would have done dead.

[C]

So how do we know what time period?

[A]

Yeah, this doesn't say what time period, Jay.

[D]

I assume it's popular crow time.

[A]

No, I'm sorry, it's right now.

[B]

Not popular crow time.

[A]

It's a funnier bit to do it in 2025.

[D]

You're not wrong. You're not wrong about that.

[A]

So, like, who the fuck is that guy dressed up as. Is that the Crow?

[D]

I don't have an argument what you're saying from 1960. What a fucking outdated, psychotic reference.

[B]

Is that Brandon Lee? He's dead.

[D]

Who is that person dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire? Such a dated reference.

[A]

My instinct is saying Sal, but in a weird way, I don't know why. Racine. He's being a little quiet over here. Racine's a weirdly funny dude. Like, I know we're all comedians, definitely.

[B]

Would do something like that.

[A]

What I'm saying weirdly, like, Racine's just an out there fucking guy that he would do things that you don't think he would do. Racine, you a big Crow fan?

[C]

I want to shoot myself in the head.

[A]

How old are you?

[E]

38.

[D]

38. Was the crow, like. That's like.

[A]

Yeah, oddly.

[D]

That's oddly. It's oddly young for the crow.

[A]

J. The crow is an iconic character. Stop acting like you have to be of a certain age to get it.

[D]

The crow probably played no major role in his childhood.

[A]

The crow played no major role in anyone's childhood.

[D]

It played in yours. In yours. It did, for sure.

[A]

I didn't give a shit. Yes, it did.

[D]

Dude. You also wanted a pet crowd. Dude, you would have loved so much to walk around.

[A]

I did name my snake Terminator, though.

[D]

Yeah. You would love to walk around with a crow on your shoulder to school.

[C]

Are we all thinking of the same crow?

[B]

What if.

[A]

What if it was.

[D]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?

[A]

Wait, wait, what?

[C]

What if it was one of the Crows from Dumbo.

[A]

That's true. He dressed up as a racist crowd.

[B]

Oh, I love.

[A]

I love this, dad.

[D]

That would be awesome. Dude, crows that. Act black jive talking crows.

[A]

Yes. Yes. Yeah.

[C]

Wait.

[B]

If that's the crow, it's changing my answer.

[A]

That's me.

[F]

That's why they called the police.

[A]

Oh, you're gonna get off work eventually.

[D]

I'm about to go in there and steal four Loco. And that's what I'm thinking, too, y'. All. That's what I'm talking about. Am I right or am I wrong?

[B]

Hey, those chips here, are those free?

[D]

If I get out the front door with it, it mine, right? Come on, now.

[C]

All right, it's gotta be Louis or Jay.

[A]

I'm going. My first instinct, which was Sal. He's whimsical, he's fun, he's theatrical. He's a funny guy. Sal Volcano. That's why he gets the big bucks.

[B]

Oh, man, I'm having a hard time.

[D]

You know what, guys? I'm gonna throw a fucking monkey wrench in the works here and vote for Lewis.

[C]

Who did you say? Mike.

[D]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Gave somebody. Jay. Oh, it's Jay. No, Sal. No, it's Jay.

[D]

It's Jay Lewis.

[B]

You're the crow, bro. You're the crow. I know you wanted to be the crow.

[D]

I, I. Dude, you love the crow so much, and you, you know, you. You love the crow, and you hate that. Everyone got this, bro. I'm gonna call you the crow.

[A]

Not only. Just clean up. Jay actually wanted to be the crow. God damn it, Alex. Whose story was story number five. Two. Whatever it was.

[D]

If it's not. If it's not Lewis, who the is it?

[A]

I'm frazzled. Oh, this is Sal. You guys are idiots.

[B]

It's not.

[E]

Story number two belongs to Salvo.

[A]

I'm the crowd.

[D]

I said I'm the crow. Oh, you got him.

[B]

I'm theatrical.

[A]

Sal, what happened here? Who was this friend, and what was the reason you did this? Was it just the bit?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I think I was, like. It was, like, around Halloween, and I was gonna be the crow, and I had the hair of the crow, and then I put on some paint, and I looked like the crow. And so I put on a black outfit, and I went. I worked at this del, and it was my best friend, Donato, and I.

[D]

And I.

[B]

Look, it was pouring. And so that's when I was like, this would really be weird if I stood, like, in the park.

[A]

It's perfect, Crow. It's perfect. Crow weather?

[D]

Yeah. Oh, for sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, if you were going to be a crow on any night, this was the night.

[D]

Were you headphone in the soundtrack? Yeah.

[B]

And so I stood in the parking lot, like a good 20ft away from the big window. He was doing the register, and at first he laughed, and then I saw it. Like, after a couple minutes, he started to get nervous because I didn't move. I just stood there in the pouring rain, and I smiled like the crow really looked like the Crow. And then he called the police. And the police pulled up and walked right up to me. And I was like, hey, I work here. That's my friend, and I'm just fucking with him.

[D]

That's my butt. I'm not really the Crow, sir. First things first.

[F]

I'm not the Crow.

[D]

Officer.

[A]

Don't worry. I have this. I'm the Crow.

[D]

Stand down. I am not the real Crow.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[D]

You.

[B]

You're coming here for me? I'm here to protect.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, good, backup arrived.

[B]

Fellas, thanks for coming by. I'm soaked. Yeah, been here for a minute now.

[D]

There you go. Oh, hey, boys. No rush, I guess, huh? Anywho, I'm sticking this place out.

[A]

This cashier keeps on.

[D]

Yeah, I think the cashiers tipping off the till.

[A]

I haven't thought of that until someone.

[B]

Asked me to think of something that has to do with darkness.

[D]

Darkness.

[B]

I haven't thought of that in, like, 20 years.

[D]

But I wanted to be the Crow.

[B]

I had a Crow poster.

[A]

You love the Crow. I did.

[B]

I wasn't goth, but I love that Crow.

[D]

The soundtrack. Soundtrack got a lot of people.

[A]

Yeah, the Crow. The Crow is the. The second gothiest bird. The Raven is the first Gothisburg.

[D]

I was immediate. I liked the Crow, but I was immediately also cynical to it. Same with thing with the Matrix, because I saw it, liked it, and immediately saw that everyone I know was gonna be like, dude, is that not the greatest fucking thing ever? And it makes you think so much. Oh, Christ, here we go.

[B]

I didn't see the Crow 2, though.

[D]

What?

[B]

Yeah, I didn't see the Crow 2.

[D]

Salvation.

[B]

Don't hold it against me. Anyone see Crow 2, by the way.

[D]

That was the don't of someone who really was disappointed by it. Her, unlike everybody else, went into it with high expectations. A Crow secret. Well, finally we're going to get the end of the story. It's crowier.

[A]

Alex, two stories down, where are our.

[D]

Points at Electric Crowaloo? Crow two. Electric Crowaloo.

[E]

On the scoreboard. In third place. With two points, Luis J. Gomez. In second place with three points, Sal Vulcano. And in the lead with four points, Hormos Rashidi.

[C]

This game is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life.

[D]

I know, right? I come every week. You think I'd figured out how to play it?

[B]

Try standing in the rain as the crow for ten minutes.

[A]

Fair?

[D]

Fair.

[A]

Alex. Story number three.

[E]

Story number three. A girl I was seeing went home one night with a famous comedian. A few days later, I stood in front of the east river to see if I could kill myself.

[D]

Now, this. This slaps of Racine to me.

[B]

No, come on.

[D]

This slaps.

[B]

You guys don't know him, but if you did, it really does slap like him.

[D]

This also could be Lewis, but I don't think. I mean, I would remember vividly the story of the famous comedian that just pulled away from Lewis. If I don't, I'm gonna see a doctor tomorrow.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

No, no.

[A]

If this was. If this was my story or your story, either one of us would know it because it would be something that. I mean.

[D]

Yeah, the running joke would always be, like, my enemy, blah, blah, blah.

[A]

We've had three episodes of Legion of Skanks dedicated to this person.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, this sounds like someone who doesn't really get any pussy.

[A]

Yeah, it sounds like Mike Razine.

[D]

That's not nice. He's a guest. Don't say that to our guest.

[B]

I like that it says to see if I could kill myself.

[D]

Can I tell you something? That part of it makes me feel like it was my story. I was like, that's what I would do. I go. Let me go do a dry run and see, like, could I throw myself in or would my body, like, stop?

[A]

Jay loves very quickly. He would take this very hard. I would just know the story of.

[D]

A famous comedian, that this is the drama. This story, dramatically, is all me. But this never happened to me.

[A]

Racine, you. You've been doing comedy for a while. You came up with a lot of dudes. You've been around for a long time.

[C]

Don't remind me.

[D]

Me?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

A lot of guys have just zipped right past you in this career.

[D]

When Dan Soder went home with the girl you were seeing a thousand times, I can't think. Yeah.

[B]

I feel like the east river wasn't going to have a part in the potential suicide. I think they just went there to think about it, like, you know what I mean?

[D]

Oh. Like a place to ponder.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

You can also look at several. Which bridge would I do if I was gonna do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not hormones. Hormones. Hormones is from Los Angeles, so this is definitely not.

[D]

He would hang himself.

[C]

I live.

[F]

I lived here like 14 years ago for a couple.

[B]

And the east river was there, but it's been around for at least 20 years.

[D]

But if you were gonna kill yourself, if you were gonna kill yourself, that you'd probably take out about 3,000Americans.

[A]

No.

[F]

If I feel like it can't. It's not me, and I think it's not Lewis, because we wouldn't get suicidal. We would get homicidal.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I went to the east river to see if I can kill everyone.

[F]

And you said you would know if Jay. If it was Jay story, you would know.

[A]

I would just. I would know. I would know about the story about a famous comedian taking Jay's girl.

[D]

That's what it. It's not even the thinking about killing yourself. That could be new information. But the non stop up, like, here's the thing also in a. In a circle of friends of comedy, you know, if you hide information like you're a piece of. You got to let out goes this guy.

[A]

Nobody in s circle hid any information.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

I didn't.

[B]

It went over my head.

[A]

Just let it be that way.

[B]

I don't like that excuse from you two, though, because the, um, then you have a built in. A baked in excuse to say every single time something like this happens because you guys are the hosts.

[D]

I've been and I don't like it. I've been. Can I tell you something is a little unfair. I've been wrong plenty. I've.

[A]

I don't want you to win. We don't cheat for each other.

[D]

We don't cheat for each other. I've. I've also so many times by accident done exactly what I just did. So, you know, if you feel this is Louis, feel free to vote for him, because I have plenty of times been like, don't even waste your time. I would have heard this a thousand times. But I'm also a problematic pothead. And I stopped smoking cigarettes now, so I'm gonna smoke a lot more pot. And like, I'm telling you that, like, it's. This could. This could be like. I'll be. As soon as he says I'll be like, fuck, that's right, George Lopez fucked your baby's mom. I'll be like, oh, fuck, I forgot that. And I know I. I would forget that. So keep that in mind. But. Because if I don't think that's the Case, I'm going with Mike Racine.

[A]

So let me say the only. The only other person I think it could be. There is a chance that this could be Big J. And this could be super early in his career because he did. He was. He was friends with Kevin Hart.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

Kevin Hart did. He did take away from you.

[B]

But Kevin.

[A]

I just don't know.

[D]

At the time I was gonna say. I don't know if I would think when I'm writing these stories, if I would personally play with reality, that maybe I might. But I didn't.

[B]

But that would still be accurate because he. You're referencing him now.

[D]

No, absolutely.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And that, by the way, this almost had that. She didn't leave with him. She sucked his dick in the back of the car while I drove.

[A]

And that woman became the mother of his daughter.

[D]

What's up, Carla? Well, you were living in Philadelphia. I'm kidding. Carla didn't suck Kevin Hart. She should have. Yeah, she should have hitched her wagon to that thing.

[A]

Racine. Racine.

[D]

Now she has a six foot tall daughter with allergies. Crazy allergies.

[A]

You should never have sex with a giant Jew.

[D]

You have a six foot tall daughter with major allergies.

[C]

But it's never the person that you think it is right away with this game. Yeah, you know, everybody's saying, oh, Racine, Racine, Racine. You guys.

[A]

We all. We all kind of move.

[D]

Didn'T you?

[B]

I could be wrong, but didn't. Like a moment ago, you make a joke about killing yourself. Like right before this was read.

[D]

So did Theo Von. He was kidding.

[B]

You got it in you.

[D]

He was kidding. He said it.

[A]

It's Racine or Big J. Who does the crowd think it is? Do you guys think it's Big J?

[D]

Oh, I'll tell you what. Do you know? It's not me. It hurts when they don't like, I still feel like you're being voted for. Hey, who thinks it's Jay? And then when no one does, I'm like, you guys. Oh, shit. It's Racine, though.

[A]

Does anyone think it's Racine?

[D]

It is him. Guessing me is bad.

[B]

I feel like I would know if it was Jay. I feel like I would have heard the story.

[D]

Absolutely.

[A]

Racine is my answer, but Big J is my close second.

[D]

Everyone's votes in. Alex.

[E]

Story number three belongs to Mike Receipt.

[C]

Yeah, everybody guessed it.

[D]

I should get two points because I wait way early.

[A]

We're seeing who. Who was this girl and who was this comedian?

[D]

Sam Morrell. Do you Think Sam Morrell's really famous?

[B]

No, no.

[A]

But he has stolen for me.

[C]

No, no, no, no. I was working at Caroline's, and I was seeing one of the hostesses there, and she went home with Daniel Tosh one night.

[D]

I was like, he's gay and married.

[C]

He's gay and married. Yeah, yeah, that's why.

[D]

Damn, this woman's a gas. And I don't know if you know this, but she saw part two of whatever, the movie.

[A]

So. So she.

[C]

But yeah, I just moved to New York City. I was working as the doorman at Caroline's, and it was like a couple months into me moving here, and I said, that's it.

[D]

Yo, I don't know what was. Was the host of Caroline, Was that.

[A]

The same girl that you would. Were seeing?

[D]

Oh, maybe.

[C]

I doubt it.

[A]

Did you have hepatitis C?

[D]

That's a real question.

[C]

No, but I know who you're talking.

[A]

No, it wasn't.

[C]

It wasn't her.

[A]

No. Well, everyone knew that girl had hepatitis C. Wait, wait, that girl was cool, though?

[C]

Because she's the one that told me about.

[A]

Yeah, she was cool. She had hep C. That girl partied.

[D]

She told me to have sex with her in the butt because she has hep C. Yeah.

[C]

Well, I'll tell you this. That girl was the one that told me about Coronet Pizza, the pizza spot where you get the really big slices.

[D]

That girl did a lot.

[B]

She's doing the Lord's work.

[D]

She did. She. By the way, way. That girl, for a girl I knew, she was cool for eight weeks. Our total relationship. Eight weeks of knowing this girl.

[A]

Rest in peace.

[D]

Maybe. Maybe she was a drug. She had a drug problem. But that girl has been a part of, I'd say, in whatever 70 some shows we've had of story wars already. I'd say she's had four stories in this thing in that short amount of time. This girl.

[A]

I once contracted hep C from a door girl at Caroline.

[D]

No, I. Once. No, I think the other week we had. I did Hepi in the butt story. That was her.

[C]

I. I watched a girl eat four whole pizzas.

[B]

That was her.

[D]

That was her.

[B]

What, Mike, what was your thoughts when you went down to the river there?

[C]

I was just like, let me see if I want to do this, you.

[B]

Know, and the thought would be to jump in it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But I wasn't going to get swept away by the current or whatever.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I don't know. He had. He had some. He had some tosh point zero to catch up on TiVo you know what, dude? Another day.

[D]

How did the confrontation go? Did you end up having.

[C]

No, no, no, no. You just.

[D]

Did you ever hook up with her again?

[A]

No.

[D]

Damn, that suck. Now, if you can go back in time, these are the big things. If you can go back in time, you big. Wouldn't you wish you didn't make as big a deal about it and just hooked up with her a few more times? Who gives a? It wasn't your end game anyway. Yeah, I guess took it too hard. Who gives a?

[F]

Let's call her.

[D]

Yeah, I think you got one more round.

[F]

One more round.

[D]

I didn't even know Bell. I didn't need no Bell. I'm being performative.

[A]

Alex, three stories down, where are our points at?

[E]

All right, in Last place with 0 points, Mike Racim. In fourth place with 2 points, Big J Okerson.

[D]

It's not me. It's not me.

[E]

In third place with four points, Luis J. Gomez.

[D]

Not him. Not him.

[A]

Well, Louis is my best friend, so.

[D]

I would know this story.

[A]

Yeah, Jay, you're my best friend, too. We don't care. Tbs, here we come. Alex, tbs.

[D]

Very inclusive.

[B]

The only way that would have been better if you were both dressed as the Crow.

[D]

Everybody will burn.

[E]

In second place with five points, Sal Volcano. And in the lead with six points, Hormos Rashidi.

[D]

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[C]

And whoever wins, I'll buy it off you.

[A]

All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Mint Mobile, one of our brand new sponsors on the show, which we love. Mint Mobile. I'll tell you right now, it is an incredible, incredible service. Why not pay less for your cell phone service? Mint Mobile's favorite word is actually no. There's no contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no bs. So make the switch today and get Premium Wireless for $15 a month. Jay, why am I spending literally eight times that amount of money?

[D]

Money.

[A]

All planes, high speed data, unlimited talk and text, and they're delivered to you on the nation's largest 5G network, which sounds incredible, and I think Ryan Reynolds owns it.

[D]

Dude, Deadpool owns it.

[A]

It's pretty cool. Dude, that's awesome. I don't know what it means, but I'm assuming. I think he owns a giant like satellite dish in the desert. Three or four of them. They're all pointed up in the same direction at his satellite that he has in the air. Is that what they're pointed at?

[D]

I'd like to think that that Ryan Reynolds owns. He launched a satellite into the air.

[A]

Wow. Dude, he's so cool.

[D]

I think I can do anything.

[A]

Keep the call quality that you know and love but lower the price tag. There's no reason to pay more money. Just right now. Make the switch [e-mail] wars. W A R Z. That's mintmobile.com wars. And you should know that there's an upfront payment of 45 required equivalent to 15 per month limited time. New customer offer for the first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees are extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

[D]

Let's get back into it. Alex. Story number four.

[E]

Story number four. I quit Boy Scouts because I was abandoned by my troop in the woods at night on a camping trip.

[A]

I did quit Boy Scouts.

[D]

I was asked if you were even in boys.

[A]

I was. Well, I was in Cub Scouts. I got up to the Wolf Scouts.

[D]

Really?

[A]

No. We blows was for the older kids. That's when you got through Boy Scouts.

[B]

And you became a wee.

[D]

That was right. I thought it was cup.

[A]

No.

[D]

Cub Scouts.

[A]

Boy Scouts. Weblos.

[D]

What is Cub Scouts? We Blows. Boy Scouts.

[A]

We blow. Our Boy Scout leader.

[B]

No, I got that. I saw that come. But I really what is I've known about.

[D]

I don't know where.

[B]

Oh, is it real?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

We'll be loyal Scouts.

[B]

That was a ill advised.

[A]

Is that what it is really?

[D]

I. We Blows. I never. I. I never got to We Blows. I did Cub Scouts.

[B]

It's wild and it's called We Blows. No one talks about it.

[D]

No one talks about it. I'll tell you what though. But I was a core look. The Cub Scouts was the guy pitched.

[B]

It's like, hear me out. We be loyal. We Blows.

[D]

We blows. The Boy Scouts were a navy and like yellow gold. It was a very ugly look.

[A]

Yeah. Dark blue.

[D]

The weblos came in with dark blue and like a baby blue. That was pretty fucking dope. But I never made it. I never made it to weblos. I was out before We Blows because.

[A]

He quit when he was abandoned by his in the woods in the middle of the night.

[D]

No Boy Scouts was older where I. I did Cub Scouts and then never made it to we blows.

[B]

I did one of them, but I don't know which one it was. Short lived.

[D]

How old?

[B]

I made a race car, I think.

[C]

What if they did a brown shirt with red on the arm?

[D]

Oh, right. Oh, that was the Hitler Youth. I was. Why did I say I would go to camp in Berlin, Lynn? Why did I say that?

[A]

Dude, the, the I, I was in Boy Scouts. We did all the things. Like we, we had a carve. Like the car out of a block of wood.

[D]

Pine boxer.

[A]

Yeah, pine boxer. I didn't have a dad, so like I literally. Dude, mine was just cut into a triangle, I swear to God. And then I drew a little skull on it. I painted it black and yellow and I named it Skull Crusher. This the car and every other kid's car was like awesome. Like their dad sanded it down and they had fucking a workshop shop and they gave me a trophy for the most imaginative car which me and my family renamed. Renamed the kid who didn't have a father award.

[D]

That's the right thing. I didn't win anything. My uncle Mark helped me when he was nodding out on heroin. But he was the person most likely to be able to do this and help me sand it or whatever. But yeah, I, I ate on pine.

[A]

Box derby and we had one with a boat too that, it was a very light y balsa wood boat.

[D]

What was it I made out of balsa wood? Yeah.

[A]

And my uncle Benji who was like 19 at the time, he was just a kid. Like we, we were doing it like right before we were going to the boy scouts.

[D]

Your 19 year old uncle was the most Hispanic thing you've ever said. And my 12 year old mother and my 32 year old grandmother, we use.

[A]

We use paint on the boat and we were, we had to like leave in an hour. So then my uncle Benji took my mom's. It was I guess nail drying spray.

[D]

Airbrush your name on the side.

[A]

Get the spray paint. And then he sprayed that and that made the, the boat bubble up and foam up. And then I had to like carve off bubbly foam off the boat. This piece of just tipped over when I put it in the water.

[D]

Cheated. All for nothing. Yeah, this feels like Lewis.

[A]

Nope. Never went camping until I was in. Almost an adult.

[B]

Don't they preach like unity? Like it's hard to believe that they abandoned the child in the woods, but this happened. So I guess that happened to somebody.

[A]

Yeah. Once your balls are empty, Sal, you do a lot of crazy things.

[B]

Who's signing this?

[C]

The Sky Master, like, okay, let's get all the sexy kids over here and Sal over there.

[B]

Hey, Chubby, you can stay.

[D]

Chubby, you can stay in your bed.

[C]

Y' all sexy.

[D]

I feel like Lewis told us he quit Boy Scout. He said the words we all.

[A]

We all quit Boy Scouts.

[D]

Nobody.

[A]

Nobody is still a Boy Scout. Yeah, somebody who's still a Boy Scout. We're men now.

[B]

But that's.

[C]

That doesn't seem like it would phase Lewis being left in the woods.

[D]

No, no, I'm going say, he said the words I quit Boy Scouts for. Why did you quit?

[A]

I quit eventually because. Well, my Boy Scout leader was my friend Dan Dy's mom and my mom. We had two female Boy Scout leaders.

[D]

She was Dan Doherty and your mother.

[A]

No.

[D]

What a she. Mr. Doherty and Mr. J. Gomez, I.

[A]

Feel like you're purposefully not understanding what I'm saying.

[D]

Yeah, I was just going for a laugh.

[A]

I know.

[D]

Say the real thing, Lewis.

[C]

Mom's like, okay, boys, pull out your pocket spoon.

[D]

Today we're gonna learn to free bass.

[A]

Now, if you. If you just point your magnifying glasses just right, you can cook this heroin.

[D]

Oh, there it is. Once the Spock hits the veins. All right, your daddy come over here and French kiss me.

[A]

I'm getting the voting going. I'm going Big J Okerson.

[D]

Really?

[A]

I don't know why he quit Boy Scouts.

[B]

Really?

[D]

That's out of nowhere.

[B]

Not a word from Hormos, by the way, so far.

[F]

I. I was.

[A]

They don't have Boy Scouts in Iran wouldn't allow me. It's called. It's called the Iranian military.

[D]

Yeah, this guy was. Yeah. Hold on.

[B]

Boy Scouts is in quotes.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. He had full fatigues by the time he was three.

[A]

One time when I was four, I had to shoot a rocket launcher at a tank.

[D]

Yeah, I'm going with Lewis because he said he quit the Boy Scouts. This is his move.

[A]

We all quit the Boy Scouts, Jay. This is.

[D]

No, we didn't. People age at a boy.

[A]

You graduated the Boy Scouts?

[D]

No, I didn't. I never went to the Boy Scouts.

[F]

Mike, did you do Boy Scouts?

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

And did you do Boy Scouts?

[B]

I did.

[F]

So everybody here except for me has done Boy Scouts. It's one of you.

[D]

I didn't do Boy Scouts.

[B]

Oh, I don't like this song and dance. Yeah, but Jay up a little too loud here.

[F]

I'm with you, Jay. I think you.

[A]

Sal, I think you have the right answer. You're going to really regret changing Your answer there.

[D]

That's Lewis really working hard. He said out loud, I quit Boy Scouts.

[C]

I'm just.

[D]

I haven't been in Boy Scouts.

[C]

Just seems like a traumatic thing to go through.

[F]

I also think if you have a dad, you won't get left behind campus.

[D]

Can I say something?

[A]

Right?

[F]

But he had a 19 year old.

[D]

If that's your phone. If that's your phone, I don't want to change it. You put it in and lock it in. But I just want to say something. I just looked at you in the face again and I told you this isn't me. And I see you and you rewrote it.

[A]

Sally.

[D]

No, Sal, I didn't think this was.

[B]

Gonna be straight stressful.

[A]

This is going to change your relationship with now.

[F]

Yeah, the dads.

[D]

Sal, did everybody else vote?

[A]

Everyone. Everyone's got votes in. Yeah. All right.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

No hormos is such a dumb vote. He was not in the Boy Scouts.

[B]

Yeah, but I looked at you when you lied the first time, and I said I would never be by you. So I'm going, I'm throwing a curveball. I'm throwing a curveball, you fool. I'm throwing a curveball. Oh, Jay me, Jay, me.

[A]

Bad Jay Jay bent you over like a little Staten Island.

[D]

Oh, God.

[B]

I don't know how we recover from.

[A]

This in reality, Sal, you're such a gullible.

[B]

I am theatrical.

[D]

This doesn't even feel good.

[B]

Oh, that's fucked up. That's up, bro.

[D]

You. You.

[B]

You betrayed a sacred bond. You look me right in the eye.

[A]

Nice, Alex. All of our answers are odd.

[B]

It's odd.

[E]

Story number four belongs to Big J.

[A]

Come on, Sal.

[D]

Damn it. Oh, Sal. When I saw everyone had already voted, I was going to just tell you. I was going to be like, nah, go with your instincts, dude. I did sort of say that. I'm like, nah, dude, vote. If that's what you want to do, do it.

[B]

Don't pull this song and dance now. You know what you did? You looked me right in the eye. Eyes with your beautiful blue eyes.

[A]

You look me right in the face.

[B]

And you did that. And now, honestly, going forward, things are probably, you know, I don't care.

[D]

Things have changed.

[B]

We've never lied to each other before. Not directly, not like that, because this is. You crossed a boundary.

[D]

This is new waters for us.

[B]

This is wild.

[D]

We've never just looked and lied.

[B]

Wow. This is gonna be a long car ride home.

[A]

That was maybe one of the biggest backstabbings we've had. In st War history.

[D]

By the way, I looked over Lewis. Lewis goes, it's killing you. I went, I don't like it. Yeah.

[A]

Jay was having a full fledged meltdown. Nobody was paying attention to me with.

[B]

You were talking about this during it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I feel like an even bigger. Now listen, I understand now what this show is about. I understand now. There's no integrity here.

[A]

Jay, tell us. Tell us this story, Jay, you lying piece of shit.

[B]

Tell the story, you motherfucker.

[D]

I was. I. I did Cub Scouts. I quit before we blows. That was true.

[A]

Oh, did you quit, you piece of shit?

[D]

Before we blows. But then I started getting in trouble a bunch in early teens and. And my mom was like, that was one of the things. Like, you're gonna join boy Scouts and do. Because a couple of friends of mine were in it and they were doing the weekend, you know, Boy Scout. I thought kind of the cool thing was gonna be like the weekend camping trips where you go with the scout. And then we went to it and it was like the place they had us staying in the woods. It would have been better to be outside. It was like, remember the house they found that just showed up in Blair Witch with like children's handprints on the wall? We were staying in that.

[B]

I wish you got Blair Witch that night.

[D]

Standing in the corner, waiting my turn. So it was a terrifying place. And then out in front of it, they lit a fire. And the camp were not the counselors, but what are they? The scout leaders. They set a fire up and then the guys go all the way. The other kids go, yo, there's a girl Scout camp, like right across the woods. We should go over there and talk to the girls for a while. Like, we're kind of. I think they were allowed to. And then they go, let's go. And they started.

[B]

Why are you telling this to just me right now? Stop looking at my eyes now that, that, that. That privilege has been taken away from you.

[A]

Yeah. How does Sal even believe this story at this point? Point. Yeah.

[D]

You can no longer look me in the eyes. I was, oh, you're right. I'm. We'll get to the people. I. The guys who were all substantially slimmer than me go, all right, let's all jog over to the girls camp. I knew that was going to be a thing.

[A]

No, guys, why don't we walk slowly?

[D]

And then if I was genuinely given a nickname, everyone was very kind to call me Big J. Because what they should have called me was J. Quote, unquote. Guys, wait up. Okerson. Because I was always the guy who was gonna. And what happened was eventually I stopped hearing the footsteps of my friend. Even my friend Randy, who was trying to, like, slow down to be with me, was like, no. And I just went, go ahead. I'm just gonna go back. And then I stopped hearing their footsteps. And I'm far, deep in the woods. No flashlight, no idea where the camp is. Sad. Trying not to cry.

[A]

Horny, horny.

[D]

I thought we were gonna fucking jog into some fucking brownie pussy. And then I went back where I think I interfered with two gay scout masters playing guitar and singing to each other. They made me a hot dog, and I went to bed before anybody else came back. And I quit the. Yeah, that is what they called it in the 90s. And then it was a different time. And then I quit the boy Scouts. After that weekend, Jay thought he was.

[A]

Showing up for actual brownies.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They go. There's brownies across the thing. I would have ran in front of everybody. Damn, this kid's got wheels on them. Brownie. Shut up. This time of night, that would never happen at home.

[B]

Jay, slow down. Okra.

[A]

Four stories down. Alex, where are our points at?

[E]

In absolute last place with zero points heading into halftime. Mike Racine.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

I'm.

[C]

I'm confused. I want to go home, and everyone's lying to me.

[F]

I.

[A]

What do I.

[C]

What do I work at? Gas Digital.

[E]

Alex tied for third place with five points each. Big J. Okerson and Sal Volcano.

[D]

No, Sal. But look, because of my deceit, we're even Steven's now.

[B]

Oh, great.

[E]

And tied for the lead with six points each. Luis J. Gomez and Hormos Rashidi.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We'Re halfway through the game, truly anybody's game. So at this point, we will do some quick plugs. Sal, what are you plugging, my friend?

[D]

Friend?

[B]

I'm on tour. I have, like 30 cities up. I'm adding more all the time. Salvolcanocomedy.com for that. Just calling out Chicago Theater on November 14th, the Beacon on December 27th, the Rhyme in April 12th. And I have a new talk show coming out called Minouche. And that'll be out in the end, toward the end of the year. I'm doing it in 10 episode seasons. Manouche.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And my special terrified streaming on HBO Max. All right, thank you.

[D]

Hormos.

[F]

My podcast, Dogs of Browntown that I do with Saul Trujillo and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and follow me on Instagram at hormoscomedy. I have less followers than dead al Qaeda members.

[D]

So follow me, please, Mr. Racine.

[C]

See, Lewis is like a kid who's like, guys, I invented a game and I win.

[D]

That is kind of what he did.

[C]

It's called Lewis. The game is Louis wins, sort of.

[D]

You're not wrong.

[C]

I win every time.

[D]

He wins most of them. Yeah.

[C]

Check out my podcast, racine time.

[B]

It's a podcast, but it's a little different.

[C]

We do things a little differently over on that podcast. And follow me on Instagram. Iker scene comedy. And I got some road dates coming up. I got Detroit and Minneapolis soon. So. MikeraCineComedy.com for tickets.

[D]

Big J. BigJayComedy.com for all my dates. Tons of cities coming up. Look for one near you [e-mail] on my Peter Big J's Peter north American tour Coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. The guy shot big loads. And then also if you go over to bigjaycomedy.com youm could either pre order or, depending when this comes out, order officially the double album of them they My double crowd work special this week. I just autographed one or 500 drawings of a penis with a face holding a gun and his hand on his hip that I drew 500 of those I signed to be inside that album for the special editions. If you order the full package, you get all four hours on unedited from the four shows we did in Denver, as well as the digital download of the album and the physical double album with a lot of fun artwork involved in it. So check that out, man. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's cool as fucking piece of merch I've ever put out. So I hope you guys enjoy it. And I'm doing live streaming on YouTube now. Come enjoy, man. I'm doing.

[C]

I'm staying busy, and my wife just texted me. She said no until you put some points on.

[D]

Okay. All right, let's go. All right, all right. That was bound to happen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come see me live on the road, guys. We're doing a bunch of story wars live shows November 11th. We're right here in New York city at the gramercy theater. Grab those tickets right now. Huge, huge lineup up. Biggest one we've had in a while. That's November 11th. The seconds will sell out November 26th. Two shows in Philadelphia, the night before Thanksgiving. Story wars live in Philly at helium comedy club. I'm Then I'm doing a bunch of other stuff as well. Columbus, Ohio, on New Year's Eve. Me and Zach Amico are doing stand up shows and then a live real ass podcast reunion. My special, you're making this worse is premiering on YouTube on November 3rd at 6pm so check that out, give it a click, share it with some friends.

[D]

You gonna be in the chat when it comes out?

[A]

I'll be in the chat when it comes out. Of course it'll be. It'll be the lead into Story wars on Gas Digital that night and then on my brand new. My brand new tour. It's gonna be called tentatively it's a Doggy Dog World Tour. A Doggy Dog World Tour is starting up in January. I'm going everywhere. So go to my website, louisofskanks.com check out all the other pods that I do, Legion of Skanks, the Regs and Lewis Journal podcasts, guests, and pre order my book, Knives and Spoons, available right now on Amazon. And last but not least, if you love this show, you should know there's about 40 episodes that are not available on YouTube or iTunes or anywhere else. The entire on demand library of Story wars is available ad free, uncensored and in one place, gas digital.com you also get pre release in all the episodes ad free and uncensored versions of all the episodes and thousands of hours of other podcasts like Legion of Skanks, Realized Podcasts, and many, many more. Gas digital.com use that promo code war and save a couple bucks about month on your premium membership. Jay?

[D]

Yeah. All right, we've come to our final four stories. And Sal, as a returning champion, you know why this game can take a major turn? Because for the final four stories, always here at Story Wars. What do we do? S?

[B]

You got double points.

[D]

You're new to the game, so I'll tell you that. Basically what that means is as before, where if you fooled somebody, you received one point. If you guessed the correct story, you got two points. That now jumps to double points.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

That's right, Racine. You could still win this, my friend.

[D]

Oh, you're far from out of this game.

[C]

All right, all right.

[D]

You're one sweep away from taking a dominant lead. This thing is pretty close, Mike. It does look bad, but you're probably gonna be all right.

[C]

I just like hanging out with you guys.

[D]

I know. We like just an excuse at this point.

[A]

Point four stories down. Alex. Story number five.

[E]

Story number five. Sometimes when I'm driving on the freeway late at night, I like to close my eyes and and see how long I can go.

[D]

Lewis or Hormos.

[C]

Right.

[D]

The term freeway to tells me a lot. That feels cal. More California than out here.

[C]

And then all of us.

[D]

Lewis is also a psycho.

[B]

It's either Hormos or Anita Baker.

[F]

It's definitely not me.

[C]

I get.

[F]

Somebody's trying to throw it at me, I think using the word freeway.

[D]

You said it wasn't you. Definitely on the very first story. And you lied in all of our faces.

[F]

It hurts Lewis written all over it. That's a psycho thing to do. I don't see. He wants to kill himself, though, so he did that. That could be a Racine thing.

[A]

I mean, I'll tell you right now, who hasn't done this? I mean, it's a fun game. It's a fun game at night. Once in a while, you got to play the game. But I will say their freeway might be the telling word right here, because we don't have freeway. What a freeway is.

[F]

Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What is a freeway?

[D]

The freeway of love in my pink Cadillac was where a big fat freeway.

[C]

Is like only a West Coast.

[A]

What's her name?

[D]

Aretha Franklin.

[B]

Oh, it's not.

[F]

What do you call it out here?

[C]

The highway.

[B]

That was my reference. I thought it was Anita Baker. Oh, is it Aretha Franklin?

[D]

Yeah. Oh, well, we go. Some people got it on the freeway.

[B]

That's not Anita Love.

[D]

And I can't. No, it's big fat Aretha Franklin.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. Now I'm listening. She's like that. It is Aretha Franklin.

[D]

Absolutely. Who's India?

[B]

The Baker.

[D]

She goes. Giving you the best that I got, baby and I tell you now yeah. That I made a. I'm giving you the best that I got, baby.

[A]

We'Re theatrical.

[F]

Before you lock it in. I swear it's not me.

[B]

I love my life.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah.

[F]

I wouldn't do this. It's Lewis. Lewis put the word freeway in as a way to deflect on the west coast guy because he plays hard.

[A]

Sorry. Sorry, Mr. Terrorist. Freedom isn't free. I don't mess around with.

[F]

Don't lock it in, Jay.

[A]

I don't mess around with words.

[F]

Don't lock it in.

[B]

You're gonna get a roll wrong.

[F]

You're gonna get it wrong. It's Lewis.

[D]

I never win anyway. Don't give Lewis points.

[A]

There we go.

[F]

Don't give Lewis points, guys. You guys are all just giving him points. I hate this game.

[C]

I hate it, too.

[D]

Oh, he's unraveling. It's definitely him.

[F]

He got you guys.

[D]

Dude, Sal, you've done a good thing by judging that. Yes.

[A]

Hormoz J is.

[D]

No, come on. No. Yeah, no, that should. Come on.

[A]

Jay is also.

[B]

Call it like I see it.

[D]

Can I tell you something, dude? Lewis has hurt me the same way.

[A]

Oh, I've. I've. I've. I've bent Jay over, and I'm talking about, like, head into the pillow. Not even doing it gently to him. Just really went to town on him.

[D]

A few times, and I was even yelling back. I'm like, just. You spit on it a little bit. And he was like, sh. What? Can't hear you.

[C]

I mean, my thing is all of us have. Have kids. You'd be crazy to do that if you had children.

[A]

Yeah. Horos doesn't have children.

[F]

No, but he is crazy, though, is the thing. You guys are just giving him six points. I'll at least get four for guessing Louis, though.

[B]

Babe, these are locked.

[A]

I guess we'll say they're locked in.

[D]

They're locked in. Is this you, Alex?

[A]

All of our stories.

[D]

I'll lose my.

[F]

Look at that smile.

[B]

Look at that smile you got. You have a child, bro. You have a child, bro. Don't let this be you, bro. Don't let it be you, Alex.

[A]

All of our answers are in you.

[D]

Don'T love your child. We're about to find out.

[A]

When are you going on freeways, Alex?

[E]

Story number five belongs to Mike Racine.

[D]

No way. He just.

[B]

Double points. Double points.

[D]

Somebody getting pussy tonight, Mike, Fantastic job. Right to the very end you went, we're all parents. What are you guys thinking, behaving like this?

[A]

Great play by Mike Racine coming from behind. Tell us. I mean, there's not much more to the story here. How much do you hate. Hate your family?

[C]

Well, I don't do with my kids in the car.

[B]

Just my wife in the car.

[D]

Yeah, you let God decide. That's the Italian way.

[A]

Micro scenes is the. The. The backstory of the Stand video for Eminem. Is there anything more to this? You just sometimes close your eyes?

[C]

I used to.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't really do it anymore, but, yeah, it's fun. You know, you're driving on the.

[A]

The.

[C]

On the highway, on the bqe, on the Major Deegan, you know.

[A]

Did you write any one of the many?

[C]

I think it was an autocorrect thing. But then once it. Once it did, I said, oh, we should. We should keep that. We should go with that.

[D]

It's very ambiguous.

[B]

Yeah, we should keep it.

[D]

That's very ambiguous. Yeah. I think there's a chance. Did he just pull off the ultimate.

[A]

Alex, give us our scores.

[D]

Oh, my God. The ultimate move.

[E]

All right. Tied for fourth place with five points each. Big J Okerson and Sal Vol.

[D]

Alex, why do you hate me? Alex? You've never liked me for years now, I think. I think it's been years since you've liked me. Alex.

[E]

Tied for second place with six points each. Lis J. Gomez and Hormo Sashidi. And in the lead with eight points, Mike Racine.

[D]

Ah, shit. I gotta respect it. From.

[B]

From the darkness comes life.

[D]

This is. No.

[C]

That round was dedicated to my therapist who said, hey, don't stop closing your eyes on the highway.

[A]

Okay, let's take a quick moment to thank Body Brain Coffee, which is, truthfully speaking, my coffee brand that I created to help me boost my testosterone naturally and support my brain function. Jay, I know you're not a big coffee drinker and you should be happy to know that we actually have a creamer coming out very soon. We're in development on the creamer. I just drink straight up creamer. Creamer.

[D]

I will. You think I won't. Straight up creamer. Me and, me and Bobby were giving you a good. This is all. This is a good endorsement. We were giving you a good off mic. Trash in it. Bonfire was during a commercial. We were giving you a good beating. And then Bobby took a sip of that Body brain and he said, la goes Body Brain. God damn it. It's good, though. And Christine was like, it is good. It is good coffee. When you're catching a beaten. No one holds it against your coffee.

[A]

Well, I'll tell you right now, the coffee genuinely just a great product. People really seem to love it. It's only five ingredients. Colombian freeze dried coffee, plus Tonga Ali, ashwagandha, lion's mane and L Theanine. It naturally supports testosterone and brain function memory. It'll really make you just feel great after you drink it as well.

[D]

Yeah. With all the stuff in it, you assume it's gonna suffer in taste. That's what I find is surprising. From what everybody says. No one's like, that makes me feel good. But like, you know, it's like getting down medicine a little bit. They're like, no, no. Everyone says I'm about to taste. I haven't even heard anybody being like, I'm lifting better my chest hair thicker.

[A]

My balls have dropped. My voice is deeper.

[D]

My balls are enormous.

[A]

I have one eyebrow now. It's pretty sick.

[D]

Can't stop coming. I'm non stop Coming.

[A]

Well, listen, I'll tell you right now, go give it a try whether you like it hot, cold. You can mix it into a protein shake however you like it.

[D]

Back. On your tits, on your face.

[A]

Body Coffee. BodyBringCoffee.com is the website. Use the promo code War25. War25. You can get 25 off your entire order today. You guys stock up for the holidays. And I'll tell you right now, we're. That's going away right after October. The 25% discount is going away, so now's the time to use it. Promo code [e-mail]. all right, where were we? Five stories down. Alex. Story number six.

[E]

Story number six. I fingered a girl in the dark room in my high school photography class after I asked her to model for me after school.

[D]

This stinks of Lewis, but I'll be honest with you. I don't think so. Photography.

[C]

Photography classes. Yeah.

[D]

That's a real tell. I went to a public school that had no photography class for sure.

[A]

No, I. I did take a photography class in college. I will say that. But.

[D]

But this is high school. Photography.

[A]

This is high school.

[F]

It was a high schooler who was.

[A]

A high school. If you went to a high school, you had to go to a nice high school to have a. Yeah. Where did you grow up?

[D]

A scene.

[C]

Jersey.

[D]

Okay, maybe.

[A]

Where'd you go? Up Hormos.

[F]

Orange County, California. Oh, But I didn't have the game. I didn't have the game.

[A]

You're showing. He showed us the finger that he used. You see that?

[F]

No, I wouldn't be able to. Lewis has game.

[D]

No, but he didn't have a. But he didn't have a dark room in high school for sure. I don't know.

[F]

No, he's from New York.

[D]

They have schools have a team in the whole thing.

[A]

We had a pretty big football team. We had a pool in the school.

[F]

New York City schools have these kinds of programs. I think it's Louis.

[A]

It wasn't New York. It wasn't New York City. I was in the suburbs with Lewis.

[D]

Asking her to model for me. If this is not Sal. No.

[B]

In high school. In high school, your boy was not fingering.

[D]

No Sal. I know, buddy. Nobody knows more than this guy. Did you be laying down that dick? No, I know that. I'm just saying. I don't know.

[B]

She was a version.

[D]

I don't know. If you tell. Listen. Sure, listen. For sure. Dude, you be blowing back Sam out, splitting them in two.

[A]

Sal, he's just trying to get back on your good side because he lied to your face right now.

[D]

Yeah, you'd be bothered.

[B]

You don't need to speak to me.

[D]

No. You'd be busting mad nuts on their faces. But this.

[B]

I've never fingered anyone in my life.

[A]

It's gross.

[D]

This doesn't seem like you. Yeah, I agree. I agree. As a germaphobe, as I know you are to be because we're good friends who don't lie to each other.

[A]

I will say also like fingering in a dark room. You're trying to develop photos would be definitely create some weird sticky ass photos.

[D]

Yeah. Also you're fingering with all that chemical in your fingers. This smells.

[C]

I've never fingered in my life. Interesting.

[A]

Sal said he never fingered.

[C]

Never fingered in your life.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

No, no.

[D]

It's.

[A]

Have you really never fingered?

[D]

Yeah, you have.

[C]

What do you mean it's not. Why? What's not for you about it?

[D]

He's prone to hang nails all weird and sticky.

[A]

I.

[C]

It's all weird.

[A]

I would.

[B]

I would feel guilty. Like I even. Even washing my hands. Taking a risk doing that.

[C]

What's all weird and sticky?

[B]

Like the vagina.

[C]

Vagina is weird and sticky.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Vaginas are not sticky.

[B]

I don't want. I don't want that on my hands. I don't want that on my cell.

[A]

Are you. It's like 40 year old virgin. He said that the tits feel like sandbags. No.

[D]

Ew. Why is girls.

[B]

I know you do Miami.

[A]

Oh I love when you touch a.

[B]

Feels like a bag of spikes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Plus the te.

[C]

Interesting. He said I.

[D]

He said. He said I never his photography class. I'm going. I'm doing it.

[F]

Dude, look, it's your best friend Lewis.

[A]

The only reason. Let me say the only reason I think it could be Jay is because he started the voting off pretty early. Did you do photography in high school? School?

[D]

What? Dude, I went to the blackest high school. No, there was no photography.

[A]

So you held the camera sideways.

[D]

Smile, smile. No, there was no photography.

[A]

I mean Orange County, California had.

[D]

That's what's making me.

[F]

Did not. It did not.

[A]

It had a. See that we had an AP class. Now you're saying that you didn't even have a photograph year.

[F]

We did not have a photography class. Yeah, but you did, didn't you?

[C]

You went to like. You went to like arts high school, right?

[A]

Arts. No, I went to North Rockland High School.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

It was just. It was in it Was somebody Google.

[D]

Do they have a photography hormos? I don't know why I'm going against Lewis. Couldn't wait to tell everybody he fingered a chick in the dark room.

[A]

I'm letting you know this is Big J now playing the game right now.

[D]

Never fingered a girl in school ever, once in my life.

[A]

Jay. I. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do to you what Sal did.

[D]

You.

[A]

What you did to Sal?

[D]

Yes. You've done it already.

[A]

I would definitely do it.

[D]

I've done. I've canceled plans we had because of. Of your behavior towards me. This is Louis all day long.

[A]

This is. It's either hormos or Big J. I thought it was.

[D]

I thought.

[A]

I don't. I believe S when he says he's never fingered it.

[D]

You do s. Fingered. I don't know if dark room can't.

[B]

Be me, but you look like a photographer with that hat.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

There some. There like remnants of photography here.

[D]

It's true. He looks like the guy who raped all the girls at AB Cromi. What? I don't know the owner.

[A]

I just feel like the California would have types of fun.

[D]

Let me say a joke again. He also the guy who raped all the employees of Urban Outfitters.

[B]

Anita Baker.

[A]

My.

[B]

My.

[C]

My question is, when Sal said, I've never fingered in my life, did that seem genuine? Did you. You guys believed him when he said that?

[A]

I kind of. I mean, he's probably fingered, but I do. I would also see Sal being like, no, I'm not fingering you. You in a photography class. It's too icky. He would say, icky.

[B]

I have a job to do right now.

[A]

And it's not fingering you.

[B]

It's developing these photos.

[A]

It's hormones or Big J, period.

[B]

Unless I'm thinking it's Big Jing, the fingering.

[A]

And then you're saying, sell. That's crazy.

[B]

Trying to think it out.

[D]

It's not Lewis saying he thinks it's me is the whole thing. He seen my school had bars on every window. There was no expensive camera equipment.

[B]

Yeah, but you might have been, like, at a Michelle Feifer school where, like, it was bad, but then all of a sudden there was like, some hope.

[F]

Somebody brought a camera and was like, let me.

[D]

Maybe. Maybe we had a teacher who was willing to sit with her chair turned backwards.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, I'm going.

[D]

Maybe it is me.

[A]

I'm going.

[D]

Big J. I recommend jotting that down. Idiot.

[B]

I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time.

[A]

Just so you Know Big J's a liar and it's been proven.

[D]

This is Lewis.

[F]

No, you're going to get it wrong.

[A]

It's Lewis.

[F]

You're just going to give Lewis points.

[D]

Oh, God. Horos, do me a favor. Do not break Sal hard for a single time.

[F]

I'm promising.

[D]

I'm have to pick up the pieces.

[F]

Look me tonight. It's not me. No photography.

[D]

Oh, my God. Then listen. I won't.

[B]

I will not be able to handle two of them.

[D]

I will. I won't.

[B]

I will have a mental.

[F]

I'm not liking him.

[B]

I'm not like him. This. This show is not good for your psyche. I'm gonna leave here question.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It sounds like a little bit like, you know, that's not their. You know.

[A]

Yes. And a model on your finger.

[B]

And that's Scott Lewis. I think on it, but I don't.

[A]

I've never taken a photography class in my life. But I. I will say it didn't.

[D]

Say you took a photography class. Says you fingered a girl in the dark room.

[A]

That's a great point. That's a great point. But Jay knows that because it was probably Big J.

[D]

There was no cameras in my school.

[A]

Yeah, there were those security cameras.

[D]

No. I wish it would have been safer.

[F]

You're gonna get it wrong, I swear to you. But you'll know that this is trust.

[D]

Sal.

[F]

He's been hurt. He's been hurt. He doesn't trust anymore.

[B]

I've been scorned earlier.

[D]

Hormones, dude.

[A]

If this is my Racine again, we're gonna lose our mind.

[D]

Sal, I don't know if it's Mike Racine. I know it's not me.

[F]

It's not me.

[D]

I think it's Louis. I don't know if it's not Hormos, but I would think. Let me tell you something. If Hormos is. Is lying you the way he's lying to you, he's a monster.

[F]

And I'm not.

[B]

And I'm not.

[F]

I'm not a monster. It's Louis. I mean, it's not me. I think it's Louis, but it's not me.

[D]

I. I swear to you, Sal, I wouldn't do you twice, buddy.

[A]

Fuck. I think it's Hormos.

[D]

Right?

[A]

But.

[F]

But you can trust me.

[A]

Oh, Poros lied to everyone's face the very first round.

[B]

Like 40 minutes ago.

[F]

Telling you this is us building trust right now. It's not me.

[A]

You're going to. You're going to.

[B]

Yeah, but after this whole thing, if I put Lewis and it's you. I'll need to leave.

[D]

You can punch me in the dick.

[F]

I'll need to leave.

[D]

I'm going to run.

[F]

You can punch me in the dick if it's me. I'll let you punch me in the.

[D]

Dick if it's me.

[A]

I.

[B]

I appeal to you.

[D]

Hormos. Lewis. Lewis.

[A]

Big J. Mike Racine.

[B]

It could.

[D]

It could be Mike Racine.

[B]

No, if it was Mike Racine, it would say. I figured a girl in the dark room in my class. School photography class. After I asked her to model for me at the school. And then I thought about killing myself.

[D]

True.

[A]

True. Sal. Sal.

[B]

Sal, do it.

[F]

You're doing the right thing, Sal.

[A]

Sal, listen to me. You're giving hormones or Big J points right now. I don't think it's received.

[F]

Just know that you can punch me.

[D]

In the dick, buddy. I'm not doing. I'm not doing you twice like that.

[A]

Sal. He would. He would.

[F]

No, you're wrong.

[D]

I. I voted. I think Lewis Dick. It could be. But if it's Horos, it could be a lie, too.

[F]

No, but you're.

[D]

You. Horos has no loyalty to you.

[B]

Everyone goes nuts or anything, and then you're going to take that offer right back.

[F]

No.

[D]

No.

[F]

You're just going to punch me in the dick.

[A]

In Iran, they love being punched in the dick. No. S. No.

[D]

I think you're making the right. You're doing the right thing.

[F]

You're doing the right thing.

[D]

Put Lewis S. I think that was the right move. I believe. Don't give l myself on it.

[A]

Who did I vote for?

[F]

Lock it in, bro.

[B]

Lock it in.

[A]

No, Sal, no.

[F]

Lock it in.

[A]

You're doing the right thing.

[D]

Sal, it's homeless don't like this show.

[A]

No, Sal, no. No.

[F]

Good job.

[D]

Good job.

[F]

I swear, I'm not lying. It's not me.

[D]

Alex. All the answers are in very dramatically.

[E]

Holy. Everybody, story number six belongs to Louis.

[A]

J.

[D]

I told you, best friends forever. Ah, that was an emotional roller coaster. So, yeah, Lewis, tell us how cool you were fingering this chick.

[A]

I really. I really always wanted to be like. Like some sort of creepy director. I was like, come after school. I'll take some photos of you. And, yeah, this chick, I met her after school. This. This Greek chick who was super cute. Cute. And I was like, hey, you be my model. I didn't have to take. I didn't have to take photographs at all.

[D]

Will you be my muse?

[A]

And then I took a bunch of, like, you know, three quarter shots where, like, the. The triangle of Shadow on her cheek. And I did all these things and then I was like, here, come to the dark room with me. And then. Yeah, then I finger banged her. I think it was consensual, but honestly, it was too dark.

[D]

I'm sure it was long time ago.

[A]

It was too dog to really know.

[B]

That's bad taste. You really never fingered a girl in your life? It's story wars.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I. I have to imagine.

[A]

I have.

[B]

But I've lived a long life.

[D]

I have to imagine.

[A]

And by the way, I had a great. I was very good at photography in high school. I had like.

[B]

I did.

[A]

I had 100.

[B]

I didn't like it.

[A]

You didn't like finger banging?

[D]

I was better at fingering.

[B]

Take it or leave it.

[D]

I was better at fingering than photography.

[A]

What you have to do is the secret is at pretend like you're changing her aperture. That was a photography. That was a photography joke, folks. Her aperture.

[D]

This crowd doesn't get photography humor.

[A]

Six stories down, where are our points at?

[B]

Louie Leibowitz over here.

[E]

In one of the closest games in the show's history, tied for fourth place with eight points each, Luis J. Gomez and Mike Racine. Tied for second place with nine points each, Big J. Okerson and Sal Volcano.

[D]

Wow.

[E]

And in the lead with 10 points, Hormos Rashidi.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, two more stories. Truly anybody's game, folks. Are you guys having to get some time? Having a good time, Alex. Story number seven.

[E]

Story number seven. When I was a kid, a middle aged woman that lived in the neighborhood convinced us that she kidnapped our friend and decapitated him. We didn't believe her. And then she held his head by the scalp in her window.

[A]

What?

[C]

Oh, he was probably in on it.

[D]

Yeah. This does sound like Iranian childhood. Your family has been decapitated.

[F]

No, no, because this is a middle aged woman. Middle aged women aren't allowed to speak with men in Iran, so it couldn't be my story.

[D]

Did.

[A]

Did one of us have the. The childhood of the movie Weapons?

[D]

Psych. You just got impractical jokes.

[B]

Is the idea here that I guess he's in on it?

[A]

That's.

[B]

That's got to be it. It's not like we're not. Someone's not telling us that this woman decapitated the child.

[D]

She. Then she showed everyone she did it. They call her the. They call the Black Widow of Kuwait.

[F]

Yeah, he must be in on it.

[A]

I mean, this is another. This is another fun prank through the window story. Little crow like overall in its tone. It's got a. It's got a crow like tone. This entire story right now.

[D]

But you have. Now you're assuming, though, this is, like, a zany town because this is happening at him, not because of him.

[A]

No, no. But this is also. Could be part of, like, the sort of an impractical origin story.

[D]

Absolutely. I could say absolutely.

[F]

Yeah. I'm leaning towards Sal.

[D]

I agree with you, by the way. Sal was bitten by a hilarious spider.

[C]

But why are you leaning towards Sal?

[F]

Because it does seem like. Like, if you're gonna pretend like you're the crow, maybe your friends also do pranks where they got cut off. Like, it does seem like a vibe of his friend group.

[B]

I don't see any connection between these two things, but happy for you to guess me. I don't care. I do feel like I would have heard this story if it was one of you guys.

[D]

Oh, my God. You're the hilarious lady in my neighborhood. Yeah. I would never stop talking about her. Ruth. Oh, she was the best.

[A]

I'm leaning toward Bloody Mary on the corner.

[B]

I'm leaning toward one of you guys, but I also don't know how to distinguish between either of you for the story.

[D]

So I want to say hormos, because this sounds very Middle Eastern, but he grew up. He grew up in Orange county, which doesn't seem like this energy. I'm gonna go. This sounds like a Jersey psychopath. Mike Racine had a lunatic lady in his neighborhood that did this prank and convinced the kid to play along. It's my guess. Yeah, it's a good guess.

[A]

I'm thinking I'm gonna go with my original instinct. I think Salvacano. This was sort of the. The moment that inspired him to be just a theatrical fun guy.

[D]

You're always looking for an origin story, theatrics.

[A]

Look at this. This is great. This woman on the corner.

[B]

I mean, this is insanity. I don't understand, like, what this even is.

[F]

Also, it's a long story. And the other one was a long story. That was Sal's too. So I'm gonna go.

[A]

Sal.

[E]

Ooh.

[B]

The logic escapes me. But I will say, choosing between the two of you, you have had the darkest story so far, and this is fucked up big time.

[A]

So I'm gonna go.

[D]

I'm going with Mike. That's how I feel. I feel confident in it, and I'm landing on it.

[C]

You were right about the Orange county thing. It's not really the vibe.

[D]

It's not. All right, could be Sal puts his.

[A]

Vote in for Racine. Racine puts his vote in for Sal. Big J votes for Mike Racine. I spelled beer all over Big J.

[D]

Beer all over me. It's gotta happen. Happen.

[A]

Alex. All of our answers are in.

[E]

Story number seven belongs to Sal Volan.

[B]

Let's go. Let's go. Yep, that was me.

[D]

But me and you had a whole conversation about how it was Racine.

[B]

Yeah, I was. I was playing the game. I. I did not lie well there.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I know.

[E]

I didn't.

[A]

I'll say.

[B]

Like me.

[A]

So, Sal. So did you watch. Did you watch one of your neighborhood kids get murdered or.

[B]

So we lived in these, like, garden apartments. So, like, you know, the. Like, the parking lot was in the middle of all of them, and she lived in the third floor. There were only three stories. She lived in the third floor and in the stairwell. Each stairwell had, like, an octagon type, like, window that would look out onto the street. And so it was during Halloween, and she was a lunatic for telling the kids that she. She kidnapped him and decapitated him. She did do that.

[A]

That.

[B]

She did tell us that. But then my buddy Mario, I guess I don't know how he was in on it, but he went up and went to the third floor, and then she pulled his head up from the window, and he was like that. And we were young enough to believe it as well, so it was pretty up. We were like, oh, my God. Like, we screaming, like, you know, get the authorities.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And also, it's just. She was like. It escaped me because I couldn't believe it. But it looks so real because she pulled his head up. And I was like, remember having the. The thought, this is brazen.

[D]

You know.

[B]

This is more brazen than anything I've come across. He's taunting us with his head now.

[D]

Very brazen. Yeah, agreed.

[B]

So, again, haven't thought of this story until I had to sit there and think about what darkness in my life.

[A]

But we got seven stories down. We have one more story. Where are our points at?

[E]

All right. Right. In last place with nine points, Big J. Okerson. In fourth place with 11 points, Sal Volcano tied for second place with 12 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Mike Racine. And in the lead with 14 points, Hormos Rashidi.

[D]

Wow.

[F]

Iran. Iran. Iran.

[D]

Before we dive in, final story anyone could be taking home. How to Love a Black man by Dr. Ron Elmore. It outlines how to set healthy boundaries, encourage profound emotional honesty, and find necessary compromises. Ultimately, the book emphasizes that relationship success is a team effort, empowering black men and their partners to forge a lasting love that is mutually supportive and truly transformative.

[A]

Chap. Chapter 1. Cosign on his car.

[D]

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[A]

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[D]

An ounce of flour for 70 bucks.

[A]

Is the most insane thing I've ever heard.

[D]

Outlandish. Yeah, I'm guessing they can't stay in business for long, so rob them all you can. If you're 21 or older, you can get 30 off. Your first 30 off. Also. Jesus H. Christ, just give weed away.

[A]

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[D]

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[A]

One more story. Alex. Are you guys ready for our final story? Come on.

[D]

Anyone's game.

[A]

Story number eight.

[E]

Story number eight. I performed at a festival with a guy who said he was the brother of Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of the Darkness, who brought us the retro mega hit I Believe in A Thing Called Love heard here. I didn't really care, though.

[D]

Sal, why are you squinting and staring at it?

[B]

I'm trying to read it.

[A]

Okay, this is interesting.

[B]

I mean, this is on the nose. The band called the Darkness.

[C]

Someone had that story.

[A]

Huh? So Big J gets introduced to a lot of rock stars. Big J also is comfortable enough with the game to do this silly little thing that he just did.

[D]

What's the. Who says they know the lead? It says, I met the brother of a guy who said.

[A]

You.

[D]

No, you just said about me. I have met plenty of goofy rock stars. This isn't a meeting A rock star, it says.

[A]

Yeah. I performed at a festival with the guy who said he was the brother of Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of the Darkness, who brought us to the retro mega hit, I believe. I think All Left. Yeah. I'm saying you could he. That guy could be in another band that you performed with. You do a lot of music stuff, is what I'm saying.

[B]

Saying who chose the Darkness as the topic, might I ask?

[A]

Did I. No, I think Alex sent it to the group, didn't she? Alex?

[E]

Yeah, I suggested it.

[A]

Alex suggested it. Just.

[B]

Just so on the nose.

[A]

Really convenient.

[F]

Yeah. I feel like it could be Jay, but it could also be Lewis trying to throw us towards Jay.

[D]

I don't think it's Lewis.

[C]

I think Lewis would be excited to.

[D]

Yeah, well, he's never gotten chosen to perform at a festival. I.

[A]

I run my own festival for that reason. That's right.

[D]

And.

[A]

And I can get the brother of the guy from the Darkness to perform at my festival anytime I want.

[D]

It's very possible. Very, very possible.

[A]

John Hawkins. Yeah. I'm getting Big J vibes here.

[D]

Yeah, I bet.

[A]

I do. Spoil Big J's wins every time.

[D]

Sure. I'm already in last place. This.

[A]

Well, if this is. Hold on. If this is your story, you could easily win.

[D]

Oh, if no one votes for me. I guess so. Yeah.

[A]

He's acting like he doesn't know how the game works right now. This is definitely Big J. I know everybody.

[D]

Everybody now. I think it's you.

[A]

You.

[D]

I kept thinking, this is Sal.

[B]

I feel like Hormo's only had one so far.

[D]

Sure. True. We had. Recently, though, just so you know, Karen Feehan won a game. Didn't have one story.

[A]

She had zero stories in one. Bobby Kelly had three stories one time.

[C]

Well, yeah, because they were all kind of gross.

[D]

Yeah. If we want to be on YouTube, we had to cut them.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all a little nasty.

[B]

She's like, I got fingered in a dark room one time.

[F]

I could see Racine not caring about the lead singer of the Darkness.

[D]

Sure.

[F]

I think any of us could not care about that, though.

[D]

I think everyone here doesn't care about the lead singer.

[A]

I'm just going with my instinct. Big J is involved with rockstars all the time. That's kind of the same.

[B]

That seems easy, though. And. And I think we've only had one story. I don't know.

[A]

I think we've only had one story from Big J as well. We've only had one story for me.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yep. There's eight stories, five of us.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Whatever.

[A]

But that you can't. I wouldn't base it off of the fact that we've had one story or who had the last story.

[D]

It's mattering. Really random.

[A]

Or I'm gonna get the voting going. Big Jay Okerson.

[B]

I feel like if Jay wrote that, he would absolutely know that we would suspect him immediately, and maybe that's part of the strategy.

[A]

Just so you know, Jay is horrific at this game.

[D]

Listen, for that reason, I am starting to want to change this to Lewis, but I will say I am horrific at this game. You're not making a terrible move, Mike.

[B]

What does it say, Mike?

[D]

You're wrong, but you're not terrible.

[B]

Okay, well, it's long, though, so it could be me.

[D]

I think this is. Lewis has been pushing this on me since the second it started. So I'm going with Lewis.

[F]

This is the game. This is it Lewis or is it Big J?

[A]

Who's in first place right now? It's hormones in first place right now.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I think with how many people voted for me, I'm already out of it mathematically, so it don't matter to me.

[B]

I want to choose different. I don't know if I mathematically can win if I choose differently from you. I don't want to go on the same with you because then that wouldn't make a difference in the score. So I'm going to.

[A]

I'm going to go.

[F]

I'm going, Louis.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

All of our answers are in. This has been a very close game, very strategic game field here. Alec, all of our answers are in. Front row is speculating.

[D]

They have a scorecard on their table.

[A]

They're taking it very seriously.

[F]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

The final story belongs to Big J.

[B]

I knew it was you alone.

[D]

Yeah. When I did the South African Cape Town Comedy Festival, one of the comics there was a weirdo. I mean, a fucking sweetheart of a guy, but a fucking weirdo named Phil K. Who, I mean, lived in a fucking RV and smelled horrible and stole things from stores while we were there. There and his big claim to fame. And he was always like, yeah, my brother's Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of the Darkness. And he would keep saying that. Like, we'd go, like, shut up. And everyone was like, who gives a? But I thought it was a good excuse.

[B]

You know how many times he has to sing that song just to explain to people who.

[D]

Oh, my God, my brother's. You know how many times he's.

[F]

He's gone.

[D]

Come on. You heard that that one time. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Sorry, Jay. I feel like I really spoiled your victory there.

[D]

I don't care.

[A]

Alex, where are our final scores at?

[E]

All right, our final scores. In Last place with 11 points, Big J Okerson.

[D]

Look, this couple here's emotionally spent. The. The guy's on her shoulder. He's like, damn, baby, that was a tough one. I came down to The Wire.

[E]

In fourth place with 14 points, Hormos Rashidi. In third place with 15 points, Sal Volcano. And tied for the lead with 16.

[A]

Points each.

[E]

Lis J. Gomez and Mike Racine.

[A]

All right, there are no ties here at story war, so we are going to go into overtime. One final round.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Between myself and Mike Racine. For those of you guys who don't know how it works, it's just going to be me and Mike Racine playing this final round. One of the last. The last story that's going to be picked right now is not going to be mine or Mike's. It could be Big J's Hor Moses or Sal's. Mike, just kind of like Final Jeopardy. Rules. We're going to actually, we're going to risk some of our points here. So you could risk up to 16 points. Ballot, secret ballot. Put it on the back of your scorecard. Do not tell me what it's going to be, and then we get to vote afterwards. It's not going to be one of our stories. It's going to be one of theirs. You guys can throw us as much as you guys want. You can still rip, you can still join in. But it's time right now to. To wager your points.

[D]

Mike, erase your front. Erase your front first so it doesn't show. Look at everyone.

[A]

Look at. They're all helping him.

[D]

All of it. Every single last bit of it.

[F]

Good answer.

[B]

My good answer.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

He wrote the words.

[A]

Alex, our final story. Story number nine.

[E]

Story number nine. My ex girlfriend would run through the pitch black woods in the middle of the night to meet me. I would not have done that for.

[A]

Her.

[E]

Because I'm afraid of the woods and the dog.

[C]

So if I say. If I say Sal first, do I get to write it down?

[A]

We can both. We can both vote, right?

[C]

We can both vote for Sal.

[A]

Yeah, we can both vote for Sal. I mean, I know Big J growing up was afraid of the dark. Growing up, are you still afraid of the dark?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

To this day. Are you afraid of woods?

[D]

Oh, yeah. The woods in the dark.

[A]

Help me out. I would not have run. Also seeming like Big J.

[D]

It does. It does technically say that lots of.

[A]

Big J vibes in this story.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

But who's not afraid of the woods in the dark?

[C]

Yeah right. But Sal grew up in Staten Island.

[A]

Or there.

[C]

There's some woods there.

[D]

I also I do apart. Yeah.

[A]

There's a lot of.

[B]

I call it the forest.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just a little more magical.

[D]

You'd be surprised what I do. What I would do to meet a girl though. What I would do to meet a chick maybe though is definitely my ex.

[A]

Girlfriend would have run to the pitch black woods in the middle of the night. I kind of know all of your ex girlfriends too Too. If this was run away from your Away from your home because your wife came home, that would make sense.

[D]

That make you feel good? It got two laughs. Hope that was worth was.

[A]

Hormos.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

You're gay.

[D]

So just like that you're back theatrical.

[A]

All right. I'll get the vote going. I'm gonna go Big J okerson. That is my answer.

[C]

See, I don't know if Sal would write such an obvious story about himself.

[D]

So I don't think you're afraid of the woods or the dark.

[B]

I used to finger girls in the woods, bro. In the forest.

[D]

Bro. Oh, Sal's classic forest finger.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know if I. I don't know if I see Jay being afraid of the woods in the dark.

[F]

He just said he was.

[D]

I do look like I shouldn't be.

[C]

All right, let's just.

[D]

The crow wouldn't be afraid of the dog.

[F]

There's no woods in California dog.

[A]

Mike Racine putting down hormones on his dry erase board. We have two different answers. I mean at this point it's some. We. We have a winner no matter what here. Do we want to. Do you want to see how many points we put up each real quick? I wagered all of my 16 points. I have that much confidence.

[B]

That's a bonus head move.

[A]

I rager. I wagered one point.

[B]

No.

[D]

One point.

[A]

Let's see. Alex.

[E]

Our overtime story story number nine belongs to Big J oker.

[D]

Man. Poor Cheryl. She would climb out of the window of her parents trailer she lived in. Double wide trailer. And then walk through the woods. And then I would blink my headlights into the woods and she would just emerge in her pullover starter Charlotte Hornet starter jet jacket. And then we'd. And then I would just release her back into the wood. It was crazy. And I mean I. I was so excited to be having sex. We were so young. It was so great. But yet I'm telling you. I would not have done that same thing for her.

[B]

This isn't the girl with. From the. The movie. With the.

[A]

The.

[B]

The meteor coming to Earth.

[F]

It is.

[D]

Yes, it is.

[B]

It's her.

[D]

Same girl.

[B]

Oh, wow. Because she wears the Bugs Bunny stuff.

[D]

Yeah, Jay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

You like how I picked that up? Just on her. Just on her aesthetic.

[D]

She was South Jersey garbage.

[B]

Well, yeah.

[D]

The Sleeters.

[A]

Alex, make it official.

[E]

All right. In last place with 11 points, Big J. Okerson.

[D]

Still top two funny, though. Top two funny.

[E]

In fourth place with 14 points, Hormos Rashidi.

[F]

I've let my country down.

[E]

Tied for second place with 15 points each, Mike Racine and Sal Volcano. And your winner tonight with 32 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[D]

He's bored of winning. Look at his face. Zero emotion. He's like another book.

[B]

Great.

[D]

Thanks.

[B]

Is that a high? Is that maybe a high score of all time?

[A]

No, I think I had an recent high score. Was. Yeah. Now I've. I've beaten that score.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, you have 36 points once, and you gave your se. Yourself septuple points, and I think you had 54.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

September.

[D]

Acceptable points. Turkey.

[A]

All right, well, that's it, guys. Thanks for coming.

[D]

How about it? A big round of applause for our whole panel. Sal Volcano, Hormos Rashini. Mike Racine.

[A]

Lois is your winner.

[D]

She showed her almost tits. We'll catch you guys next time on Story wars.

[A]

Everybody.

[D]

Until then, peace. Thank you.