067. Matt McCusker, Brendan Schaub, Jamar Neighbors | Kids

Summary

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Story Warz Ep. 067: Matt McCusker, Brendan Schaub, Jamar Neighbors – "Kids"

Date: November 14, 2025
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez (GaS Digital Network)
Guests: Matt McCusker, Brendan Schaub, Jamar Neighbors

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Overview

This live episode of Story Warz dives into the theme of “Kids,” with comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez facing off alongside special guests Matt McCusker, Brendan Schaub, and Jamar Neighbors. They swap bizarre, hilarious, and occasionally outrageous stories from their childhoods and experiences with children, aiming to bluff and deduce which story belongs to whom. With escalating stakes ("How I Helped OJ Get Away With Murder"), the comedians skewer each other's childhood traumas, bad decisions, and occasional brushes with the law—all through their singular comic filters.

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Segment Breakdown & Key Discussion Points

1. Show Introduction & Game Rules (03:09–09:56)

• The hosts banter about the venue, hype the audience, and introduce the panel.
• Game premise: Each panelist submitted anonymous stories about “kids.” Stories are read, and everyone guesses who’s the (real) storyteller. Points awarded for fooling others or guessing correctly.
• Notable reveal: Winner gets a notorious OJ Simpson book, leading to recurring dark humor about the trial.

Notable Quote:
Jay: “Every week here at Story Warz, we play for a book from the Story Warz library. Tonight’s winner takes home 'How I Helped OJ Get Away With Murder' by Mike Gilbert.” (09:12)

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2. STORY #1 – Kicking & Stealing from the Teacher (10:24–18:01)

“When I was in second grade, I got kicked out of school because I kicked my teacher in her shin and stole her $20.”

Discussion Highlights:

• Panel speculates on who’s most likely to commit school violence and petty theft—Jamar, being from Compton, is suspected.
• The group explores racial/class stereotypes for comic effect but pivots to the ridiculousness of the theft.
• Jamar admits it’s his, describing kicking the teacher with Payless “outback combat boots” and accidentally learning about currency.

Notable Quote:
Jamar: “I didn’t know the difference between a 1, a 5, or a 20. So I was like, yeah, give me the one with the—”
Luis: “That’s why she was trying to teach you math.” (17:05)

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3. STORY #2 – Race War Games in Gym Class (18:39–24:37)

“My gym teacher would segregate the kids by race and have us compete in race war games.”

Discussion Highlights:

• Everyone accuses Luis of inventing this story but discusses regional differences (Compton, Mississippi, Colorado, Philadelphia).
• Luis reveals it’s based on his real experience at Havershaw Middle School, where "white kids vs. Puerto Rican and Black kids" was a running joke in gym class.
• The panel riffs on unbalanced teams and gym class racism.

Notable Quote:
Luis: “We’d annihilate the white kids in every game. Every time. It was hilarious.” (24:05)

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4. STORY #3 – The White Turd Poem (29:47–34:42)

“A kid who lived up the street from my house shat behind a bush on my block. I checked on the turd every day for months until one day the turd, to my great surprise, had turned a ghastly shade of white."

Discussion Highlights:

• The group marvels at the story’s poetic style, unanimously suspecting Matt due to the writing and visual detail.
• Matt admits it, describing the scientific curiosity and stark childhood memory.

Notable Moment:
Jay (mock-poetry): “Shat behind sounded like he did something beautiful. That’s just part—it’s a cycle of life.” (32:59)

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5. STORY #4 – Babysitting a Knife-Wielding Child (35:59–43:40)

“I once babysat for a kid who had behavioral issues. By the end of the night, the kid spat on me and threatened my girlfriend with a knife.”

Discussion Highlights:

• Suspicions ping-pong around table (Brendan: “bad Philly kid?”) until Jay confesses; it happened while babysitting a friend’s troubled daughter.
• The kid escalated from spitting to brandishing a real kitchen knife.
• Everybody expresses suitable horror/admiration.

Notable Quote:
Jay: “She just came out screaming with a knife from the kitchen, like, at her. And then she had to go outside and then—but she’s just kinda like, 'Oh, I’m just kidding.' It was a fucking real knife.” (43:11)

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6. Halftime & Plugs (44:25–48:27)

• The guests promote their current specials, major podcasts, and tour dates.
• Jay and Luis tease the second half (“double points”) and declare the game is still anyone’s to win.

Standout Line:
Jay: “How could Lewis have invented it and also always win it?” (47:25)

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7. STORY #5 – Pubescent Panic (48:49–56:43)

“When I was 12, a girl I liked took off her shirt and bra… I panicked and kicked her out aggressively."

Discussion Highlights:

• Analyzing the awkward phrasing, the panel suspects Matt (the “turd poet”), but Big Jay masterfully bluffs and reveals it's his.
• Jay relives a formative, embarrassing childhood panic about boobs—leading to a massive scoring upset.

Notable Moment:
Jay (deadpan): “I just didn’t know what to do next. So I panicked and fucking threw her out.” (56:24)

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8. STORY #6 – Bush-League Baseball Dad (61:02–67:00)

“I got thrown out of my kid’s little league game for almost fighting the ump. Was banned but snuck in, hiding in the bushes.”

Discussion Highlights:

• The panel instantly guesses Brendan (whose angry baseball dad moment made TMZ).
• Brendan sheepishly confirms; he almost fought a “real short nerdy guy” umpire, then tried to tree-camouflage his way through his son’s suspension(!).

Notable Quote:
Brendan: “Security was like, yeah, get the fuck out. So I went and hid in the bushes.” (66:22)

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9. STORY #7 – “Found Myself” in a Hot Tub of 12-Year-Olds (69:15–77:59)

"Recently I found myself in a hot tub with about 8 to 10 12-year-old girls."

Discussion Highlights:

• The table erupts at the criminal implications (“Chris D’Elia...”), but Luis admits it’s innocuous—a hotel poolside scenario “where the kids all got in my hot tub, not the other way around.”
• The group leans hard into riffs on “age soup” and inappropriate hot tub encounters.

Notable Exchange:
Luis: “They started eating Cheetos and I watched this girl just dunk her hands in the hot tub to clean her hands.”
Jay: “You didn’t say they were fat 12-year-old girls, that changes everything!” (77:04)

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10. STORY #8 – The Neighborhood Thief & The Eddie Bauer Revelation (79:29–86:54)

“There was a kid in my neighborhood who would steal stuff for us. One day he got chased out of Goodwill for stealing Eddie Bauer cargo shorts. I felt bad and decided to steal for myself after that.”

Discussion Highlights:

• The group psychoanalyzes each other, questioning who cares about “Eddie Bauer” or "feeling bad."
• Matt finally cops to it, describing a too-willing friend who specialized in pilfering cigarettes and cheap shorts until even delinquent Matt felt pity.

Notable Quote:
Matt: “I remember even as a child, being like, that’s not right. Cigarettes from Wawa, that’s totally understandable. Cargo shorts from Goodwill… that’s low.” (86:45)

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11. Final Scoring & Wrap-Up (87:04–88:28)

• Final Points:
  • Winner: Luis J. Gomez – 19 points
  • Big J Okerson – 18 points
  • Brendan Schaub – 16 points
  • Matt McCusker – 13 points
  • Jamar Neighbors – 9 points
• Jay reflects on nearly winning, Luis celebrates, the OJ Simpson book is delivered. Massive applause for all guests.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jay (on pedophile accusations): “This is going to look bad. Stupid Radisson in…” (69:36)
• Luis (about his “race wars” PE classes): “We’d annihilate the white kids in every game. Every time.” (24:05)
• Matt (recalling turd-watching): “And one day it was just white, and I was real little, and I was like, I didn’t know poop turned white outside. I still think I can picture it right now.” (34:00)
• Brendan (baseball bush story): “I kind of panicked and went, you’re a fucking dork. And he goes, oh am I? Well, I’m not the one missing my son’s game next.” (65:47)
• Jamar: “You know how I know it’s not me? Because I wouldn’t say 12-year-old girls—I would say 12-year-old bitches.” (73:29)

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Episode Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & rules – 03:09–09:56
• Story 1 (“Teacher Shin Kick & $20”) – 10:24
• Story 2 (“Race War Gym Class”) – 18:39
• Story 3 (“White Turd Watching”) – 29:47
• Story 4 (“Knife-wielding Babysitting”) – 35:59
• Halftime & plugs – 44:25
• Story 5 (“Pubescent Panic”) – 48:49
• Story 6 (“Baseball Ump Bush Ambush”) – 61:02
• Story 7 (Hot Tubgate) – 69:15
• Story 8 (“The Neighborhood Thief & Cargo Shorts”) – 79:29
• Final results – 87:04

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Tone & Takeaways

Hilarious, rowdy, and frequently self-skewering, Story Warz blends competitive storytelling with classic roast energy. The hosts and guests riff relentlessly, dive into dark and awkward tales with zero filter, and keep the crowd teased and laughing. Beneath the chaos, the show is a showcase for the art of storytelling—and for the way comedians build bonds of trust and comedy gold out of their real-life cringe.

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For fans of unfiltered, fast-paced, story-driven comedy, this episode is a riotous highlight of the genre, and a testament to why Story Warz works so well live.

Transcript

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[B]

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[A]

Before we start today's show, let's take a moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show that you guys love. Story Warriors, I'll tell you right now, the reason that I have such a winning record at Story wars is because of Body Brain Coffee. It makes me feel mentally strong, it increases my memory, makes me sharper, but also it naturally boosts my testosterone. Jay, I know recently you got into a fight with Tong Ali, which is the bad guy from Kickboxer.

[B]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He had that crazy thing on his hair, but I handled him pretty well now.

[A]

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[B]

Oh, it's very, very possible. I have been boofing it.

[A]

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[B]

We got some more hoodies coming soon to get ready for the fall. Do not forget, we're doing a special meet and greet at Skank fest exclusively for fans who. Who come in their official merch. So do not delay. Head on over to StoryWarSmerch.com to get your gear and rep the show you love.

[A]

What's going on? Story Warriors. If you love story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York comedy club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[B]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun face.

[A]

New York Comedy club dot com. Fill her up.

[B]

You're listening to the gas Digital network.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, live from the comedy mothership, it's story war with the story warriors, Big J. Okerson and Lewis J. Coleman.

[B]

Lewis. It's not. It's not a standing ovation if you go.

[A]

No, I wasn't saying to stand. I was saying look up at the ceiling, everyone. That was the idea.

[B]

I'm throwing you my heart. I'm throwing you my heart. What's up, everybody? Welcome to story wars down at the comedy mothership in Austin, Texas.

[A]

Austin, motherfucking Texas. I love it here. We love the comedy mothership. This is the first time we're doing the big room, the main room here at the mothership. The fat man.

[B]

Does it feel wrong that we're sitting the wrong way? Oh, man, we are two clunks though. We are ripping the stage up. There it is. Hang on microphone.

[A]

Oh, my God. Dude, we just tied our legs together.

[B]

We are very, very excited to be here.

[A]

That really is like when you lie on the wrong side of the bed with a chick.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Or dude, if you're gay, it's Austin. I know.

[B]

Don't point to that guy in a sleeveless jets hoodie who's sitting with a guy with long hair.

[A]

I'm very excited to be here. Sold out show. Two sold out shows tonight. This is the first of the two shows.

[B]

I mean, I don't. We ask every audience, but do we need to ask this audience how many people in here are familiar with the game Story wars?

[A]

How many people are not familiar with story Wars? Everyone kill them with the guns that you have.

[B]

Everybody here is armed. If you're not familiar with the game. It's very, very simple. We'll explain it once we get our esteemed panel up here on the stage. Our first contestant tonight, I want you to show a lot of love right now. He's a comedian, a satirical artist. Ooh, I like that. He has a special Rotten Luther King on YouTube right now. Make some noise for the hilarious Jamar neighbors.

[C]

God damn you. White people love free.

[B]

Damn. Yeah, it's how white they are. They don't realize they're now in possession of stolen merchandise. Now you guys are culpable.

[A]

Those are clothes that he got at the shelter.

[C]

Yeah, that came from Salvation Army.

[A]

You're welcome, Jamar. Welcome to Story Worst. First time on the show. Very excited to have you here. Thank you. Did you do any preparation for the show?

[C]

A little bit. I just. Yeah, a little bit.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I asked my mama how was I as a, as a, as a, as a, as a kid? And she gave me some prompts, and I was like, all right, cool.

[B]

That was it.

[A]

Is your mother chat GPT?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Our second competitor also making his story wars debut from the Fighter and the Kid podcast. Clap it up for Brendan Schaub. Our competitors are getting physically tougher and tougher as we go on.

[B]

Time to get the guy who's gonna both y' alls up. Returning to the show from Matt and Change. Secret podcast and a special humble offering. And he also has a Netflix special out right now. How about it for the great Matt McCusker?

[A]

Matt McCusker returning to the show. Last time you did not win. Did not have a great showing.

[D]

Returning loser.

[B]

But great stories, though.

[A]

Great stories. You've been home practicing. You've been doing your thing, but you don't have your partner in crime, Shane Gillis, here this time. So you can't cheat.

[B]

I didn't check the tape, you guys. He tried to shake and bake us with you, though. He tried. You had too much integrity to do it, which I appreciate. If you are unfamiliar with the game of Story Awards, it's your first time listening at home. It's a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Louis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic, Louis.

[A]

Kids.

[B]

Alex, our lovely producer is going to read eight of those stories one at a time. It will appear on this screen for us. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

And Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story, you can get up to four points during those very, very important times. And here's what happens once you write the name on the dry erase board. Put the dry erase board in the slot right here. Remove your hand. That is it. That is your final answer. You can't change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, we're. We. We have a lot of fun on this show. Brendan, you're going to have so much fun. Jamar, this is going to be the most fun you've ever had on a podcast. But we don't play for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for.

[B]

Dude, you did really good. That was good.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Every week here at Story wars, we play for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home How I Helped OJ Get Away With Murder by Mike Gilbert.

[E]

I want that. I want that. I need that.

[B]

How I Helped OJ Get Away with Murder is a chilling tell all From Mike Gilbert, O.J. simpson's former sports agent and longtime friend. Gilbert recounts the Years following the 1994 murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. The book offers a stunning insider view of the moment Simpson allegedly confessed, saying, if she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand, she'd still be alive.

[A]

It's a classic.

[B]

It's a classic. It's an instant classic. They said, I think everybody understands the game's gonna get it. If you don't, you're gonna pick it up along the way. But is this crowd ready for war? Is this crowd ready? Then Alexandra, with no further ado. Story number one.

[F]

Story number one. When I was in second grade, I got kicked out of school because I kicked my teacher in her shin and stole her $20.

[B]

I'm feeling it's one of the bookends.

[D]

Yeah, it's like, how bad do you.

[B]

Want to win right now?

[A]

I never had a teacher in my entire life. I understand why you would think that I was more of a class clowny type, not a violent type. Jamar, I'm assuming you grew up in a violent sort of inner city. Inner city school system where some teacher was trying to teach you guys how to be good kids, but you guys just wouldn't listen.

[B]

Did you go to Lean On Me high.

[A]

School?

[C]

This is wrong. You're Puerto Rican. He grew up poor, and he liked to fight people.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

And he you never know.

[B]

It's true. It's true. McCusker has a mystical past.

[A]

Brennan, you grew up. I don't know why I get this vibe, but I feel like you grew up with some cash. Your family was doing well, right?

[B]

No, Colorado.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Colorado.

[B]

Same place as Soda. Aurora.

[E]

Aurora, that's right.

[C]

Exactly.

[E]

Famous for the school shootings.

[B]

Yeah, that's like. That's where. That's where the Joker guy shot everybody in the movie theater. And Columbine and all that.

[A]

Dang Columbine, dude. If you never left, you could have saved those people. Where were you that day? Up.

[B]

Man, that's the guilt he lifts with every day.

[E]

I. I was also eight, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Still a stud athlete, my guess.

[A]

Sure. Did you get a lot. Did you get a lot of trouble in school?

[E]

I got in some trouble. I wasn't the best kid. Some trouble.

[A]

I could see this.

[D]

The shin kick is kind of throwing me, though. It's kind of white. It's kind of white, boy.

[A]

That's an MMA move.

[D]

The shin kick is kind of.

[E]

It's white boy. But the thing that throws me off is. And the stealing the $20 kind of gives away a few people up there.

[A]

If it's. If it's that I stole her sneakers, I would know. It's Jamar.

[B]

Now I'm gonna say. I'm gonna point something out. I also, in my head, for some reason, have pictured this being a woman teacher.

[D]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

But Lewis is the first person who said her. Oh, it says her. My bad. Way to go. I was wondering why I was picturing a female teacher.

[A]

Fucking Sherlock Holmes over here. Really. Putting all the pieces together.

[B]

That breaks apart my entire theory.

[E]

What's too much? First 48, my man.

[B]

Yeah. I jumped the gun. He goes. Why would they think it's a girl? Because it says it.

[D]

Take that of school.

[A]

Yeah, I. I was getting in trouble by the time the second grade came around, but it was more like class clown type stuff. Wasn't.

[B]

This is hilarious.

[A]

Never, never, never hit it. Never hit a teacher. Never cursed at a teacher in my entire life. Not once.

[E]

Yeah, it's one thing to kick them. That takes some balls, but to steal cash from them is another. I can't get over the stealing the 20 bucks.

[B]

Well, I thought that the shin kick was the distraction to grab the chuanzhou, you know what I mean? Like, you give them a shot in the thing, and then they start Yosemite Semin it. And then you.

[C]

When did you start fighting?

[B]

All his lifes.

[E]

Professionally fighting until I was in my 20s.

[C]

Nah, like, when did you get that. That anger thing that. That made you.

[A]

I don't have anger.

[C]

Kick your teacher in her fucking shin.

[E]

What'd you do with the $20?

[C]

I'll go through Matt. Let's go over here to.

[A]

You guys are unassuming one.

[D]

No, man, I never been kicked out of school. Who got kicked out of school?

[C]

Believe it or not, I'm college educated.

[A]

What was that?

[C]

I said, believe it or not, I'm college educated.

[B]

Yeah, you guys are all choosing not to believe it. He gave you two options, and everybody here chose not to believe it. They're talking about you up north. Mothership. Don't be like this.

[C]

Big J looks pretty badass.

[B]

I'll throw down. Second grade fat kid just got his tonsils out, tubes in his ears. Hell yeah.

[A]

All right, all right, I have enough. I've read enough of the panel right now, and I'm going to go with my initial instinct, which was Jamar Nabis, not because of the color of his.

[B]

Skin, because of the color of his.

[A]

Personality, but because of the content of his personality.

[B]

Oh, content.

[A]

You guys are wrong right there. I feel like it's just what his people would do. And, I mean, I'm taking the hilarious, energetic.

[B]

I'm going with Jamar.

[C]

You is racist. You guys are wrong.

[A]

Jamar votes for Matt McCusker. We have all of our answers in.

[F]

Story number one belongs to Jamar. Neighbors.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Give me my shirts back.

[C]

Oh, fuck. You racist. You racist.

[D]

I voted shop. Just out of, you know, being polite.

[B]

Unrelated.

[C]

He wrote a hangman on his.

[B]

He wrote a hangman and it said.

[C]

Jamar on the motherfucker. Don't hang me.

[D]

Let the record show.

[C]

All right, well, what had happened was the bitch was trying to teach me math, and I felt like she was insulting, and she was in. You were actually right. And she was. I felt like she was insulting my intelligence, and so I got real mad. And then she sat me next to the desk, and I was kicking my feet real hard, and I had on them rugged outback combat boots from Payless, and I kicked that bitch in her shin. And then she was like, ouch, ouch, ouch. Then she called the principal, and then I was like, yeah. So she kind of left the whole class, and I looked at the desk and shit, and her purse was right there, and I fucking went up in that motherfucker. I didn't know the difference between a 1, a 5, or a 20. So I was like, yeah, give me.

[E]

The one with the.

[A]

That's why she was trying to teach you math.

[B]

Can I tell you something? What if the whole thing was like, the math lesson, like, she never really got hurt. And then as he's counting, money goes $20, and she looked into the way she's looking in the window of the door, and just. I knew if I just put it up there. You dunk it, Jamar.

[C]

Yeah, I guess. Y' all right.

[B]

I was wrong.

[C]

Yeah. So my auntie. So my. I lived with my aunt at the time, and she. She was like, where's that lady's $20? And I put it on my shoe. I put it in my shoe, and I gave it to her. And then she put it in her shirt, like, in her bra.

[E]

She took it.

[C]

Yeah. And then it was like, hey, did you find the money? And she was like, no, I didn't find no money. Like.

[B]

Well, you learned your lesson that you got caught and your mom picked up 20 bucks for teaching a lesson.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, man. It was good.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

All right. Okay.

[B]

What are the scores?

[F]

All right. On the scoreboard. With one point, Jamar Neighbors. And tied for the lead with two points each, Louis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson and Brendan Schaub.

[A]

I want that book. Feel loose, that book.

[B]

Everybody wants that book, Alex. Story number two.

[F]

Story number two. When I was in middle school, my gym teacher would segregate the kids by race and have us compete in race war games.

[B]

How many stories did you and Lewis submit? No, they couldn't have done this in my middle school. It would have been fucking 7,000 to 2. Black. That dodgeball game would have ended quick.

[A]

No, this is. This is some white for sure.

[E]

I don't think so, my man. These are easy.

[D]

No, I'm thinking Big J.

[A]

Yeah, well, Jay went to school in the hood.

[D]

I mean, yeah, he was Garner Valley. It was all white.

[B]

All white.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

For real.

[C]

Except for that one black kid.

[D]

Not even. Not even. For real.

[A]

For real.

[D]

The Mexican twins in the fourth grade. But that was about it.

[B]

Captured a flag. It's just one black kid guarding a flag. 7,000 people working tactical around them.

[A]

Yeah, Jay, you grew up in the hood, where they would have literal race wars.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

No, but the teacher wouldn't have to do that, right?

[B]

There wasn't race wars. We had submitted at that point. We waved the white flag, man. We were wearing our clothes backwards, like crisscross. In middle school, we just did the thing. Whatever you guys say, man.

[A]

I'm with you.

[D]

It's fair.

[B]

Where are you from?

[E]

Colorado. Aurora, but predominantly black neighborhood. That's why?

[B]

Right.

[E]

Sports.

[D]

How predominantly.

[B]

And I'll be honest, trying to come into the numbers. Yeah, that does seem like a Colorado possible thing, though, that some woods lunatic mountain guy is going to be like blacks versus whites just to see. Just to see.

[E]

Mountain guy.

[A]

Jay's never been to Colorado. Jesus. What's going on? Welcome to Colorado, is your argument.

[B]

There's no mountains in Colorado.

[A]

No, but I feel like the character was just sort of like a hillbilly.

[B]

I only know one hillbilly voice. And all of my Hispanics are Mexican gang members. Watch when we do a Honduran. Shut the fuck up, bro.

[A]

Now do my father.

[B]

Shut the fuck up, bro. Shut up, Lewis. I'm your dad.

[A]

I'm your father.

[B]

I'm your fucking father and shit. And he was Puerto Rican and that guy. So.

[A]

It could also be two Jamar stories in a row. Cuz. Jamar, did you grow up in the hood?

[C]

Yeah, I'm from Compton, California.

[E]

Compton's not doing that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

That's not.

[B]

There was no chance.

[C]

But I'm from Compton, I'm from Mississippi. So that's two different blacks. Like, so I don't think we would ever do some like that, you know?

[B]

Wait, what about.

[A]

What about Mississippi?

[C]

I said. I said I'm from Compton, California, not Mississippi. So those are two different kind of blacks.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

So Mississippi is like racist black, and Compton is like, oh, my God, they're gonna police black. So we didn't do race games like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Or did we?

[B]

Yeah, Compton's were.

[C]

Ooh, I think it's Matt McCusker again.

[D]

It's a fair guess, but.

[B]

No, I'm gonna throw down my guess. I'm gonna go, Brandon, I think this is something happening. Maybe he didn't sound like me, but a mountain man. Whatever voice you want him to have thought it would be funny to plot little race wars in their mountain town. Maybe sound more like that. Would it be good?

[A]

You son of a. Brendan.

[E]

Sorry, pal.

[A]

It's all right.

[B]

This could be Lewis. But Lewis was like. He said he was the black kid in this school.

[A]

I was so.

[B]

Are you a liar?

[A]

Going Big J Okerson.

[B]

It's Lewis. This cut and you make it wasting everybody's.

[A]

And I drew a pentagram next to his name because he's evil.

[B]

Yeah, listen, dude, he's the devil. Yeah, look, no doubt, hail Satan, but still, everyone's in. Lewis, you cunt.

[F]

Story number two belongs to Lewis J. Gomez.

[D]

Wasn'T even close.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I went, what? Race wars. You said it was you and A bunch of white kids.

[A]

No. So I. You're thinking, Jay, you. You only listen to very few things that I actually say.

[B]

Okay, Tell things more entertaining.

[A]

In my. In my middle school, it was mostly Puerto Rican kids. It was Puerto Rican kids. Havershaw Middle School. Shout out to Havershaw Middle School. And there was a decent amount of white kids, but it was a lot of Hispanic kids and black kids. And in my gym class, they would literally have it be white kids versus black and Puerto Rican kids in every game. Like, every time. The coaches thought it was hilarious, and he would like, we're gonna have the United nations versus the great white hopes.

[B]

And I hope once in a while it was like foosball or something.

[A]

Would annihilate the white kids in every game. Every time. It was hilarious.

[E]

You need some better whites.

[A]

Yeah. There was no good whites at Haversville Middle School.

[E]

There's also different kind of whites, Jamar. There's also different.

[C]

That's what I. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, name them.

[E]

Well, there's like, California white, and then there's, like, Southern Mississippi white.

[C]

Oh, yeah, like the Compton, Mississippi thing.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

There's also. Guys, there's also different kinds of raisins. There's California raisins.

[B]

Plate tomatoes, too. Beef steak.

[A]

Bob's Fried shrimp. Shrimp scampi. All right, Alex, where are our points at?

[F]

All right. In last place, with zero points.

[B]

Wow.

[F]

Matt McCusker.

[A]

We'll get it. We'll get it.

[B]

Don't take so much joy. Ale take joy.

[F]

In fourth place with one point, Jamar Neighbors. In third place with two points, Big J Okerson.

[B]

I'm here.

[F]

In second place with four points, Brendan Schaub. And in the lead with five points, Luis J. Gomez.

[A]

I believe that I am undefeated in the city of Austin at Story Wars. By the way, I've never been defeated here.

[B]

Coincidence?

[A]

I know. I'm making this up. I have no idea.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I won, you piece of shit.

[A]

Did you win any? Jay won in Austin.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Jay never wins. What a special thing you saw.

[B]

Jay never wins. You guys really were here for one of them nights.

[A]

That's like being here for, like. It's a crazy, crazy moment.

[B]

Yeah, dude, these lights should have exploded when it was over.

[A]

All right, Story warriors, let's thank Ridge Wallet for supporting today's show. Your old crappy leather wallet stinks. This is what your dad had. It's what his dad had. It's what his dad had. You. You got to get a wallet from the future. Which is why I always have Right here. Look at this, Jay. My Ridge wallet. Keep your cards and cash all in one place. Front pocket wallet. Super slick, super cool. Tons of styles.

[B]

I took all these family heirlooms, my dad's wallet, my grandfather's wall, my great grandfather's wallet. And I took them to a bridge and I threw them right in the river. I threw away all sentimental value because they're stupid, they don't work and they didn't have RFID blocking technology.

[A]

I took my, my grandpa's urn and I chucked it into the East River.

[B]

I was, I did get rid of a lot of their belongings because now I'm just mad at them for burdening me, sacking me with this really shitty wallet.

[A]

Aluminum, titanium, carbon fiber. Such cool styles. They hold up to 12 cards and has a 99 day risk free trial and a lifetime warranty. Literally the last wallet you're ever gonna need. Super cool. They have a bunch of other great products as well, including the, the. I love the luggage that they have. Ridge luggage is incredible. Suitcases, rings, portable chargers, everything you need for a limited time. Ridge is having a huge Black Friday sale, so ridge.comr I d g e.com and get up to 47 off. 47 off. After you purchase, they're going to ask where you heard about them. Let them know that you heard about them on the story wars podcast. 47 off is insane.

[B]

Lewis.

[A]

Yeah, Jay.

[B]

You know I like my Fridays like I like my men. Come on.

[A]

Huge and black.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank hims for supporting the show. And you should know this, I don't know if you know these facts here. I'm a fat guy because you know, Story Wars. I'm coming with effects. And for your face. According to the National Institute of Health, as many as 30 million men in the US experience ED. It's erectile dysfunction. It's. It's an ugly word. People don't want to say it, but I'll say it right now on the show.

[B]

I didn't know what it meant because that's never happened to me.

[A]

You're just so rock hard, dude. No, I know, dude, I can't. I. I get soft, dude. Especially when you and I are hooking up because you're so unattractive.

[B]

I use some of their other products though, because they're great, but I don't, I don't care about the dick one because I. My dick is so raging hard all the time.

[A]

Whenever you're blowing me, you feel that soft gummy Feeling in your mouth. I'm like, dude, I'm sorry. I'm just not attracted to you anymore. I have to think about your sisters.

[B]

Yeah, I really don't make it good the way I used to be. My mouth dry. I'm barely looking at you in the eyes.

[A]

Oh, no, dude, you gotta. You got a full beard. It's horrifying. But not anymore. Dude, now my dick.

[B]

You.

[A]

Have you noticed lately how hard my has been getting when I'm shoving it into your mouth and throat?

[B]

Dude, it's raging. I mean, the spurts. I don't know if it's even related, but the spurts are thicker and really, like. Like, they gag me almost.

[A]

Well, that's because I've been taking the sex RX plus climax control. They have hard mints, they taste great. You pop them in your mouth a little bit before you're about to bang. And guess what? You have a nice hard boner. And you don't have to have that confidence, dude, that's it. Right now, as I'm getting older, I'm 43 years old, not having to worry about my confidence in the bedroom rules. I feel like I'm 20 years old. Once again, they have so many different things. Personalized, affordable care for ed, hair loss, weight loss and more. All you gotta do is go to hims.com w a r z, that's H I M S, and you're going to get a free online visit. Get your online consultation today. Actual price will vary on product or subscription plan. Future products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information. Okay, where were we? All right, Alex, story number three.

[F]

Story number three. A kid who lived. A kid.

[B]

All right.

[F]

A kid who lived up the street from my house. Shat behind a bush on my block. I checked on the turd every day for several months. Until one day the turd, to my great surprise, had turned a ghastly shade of white.

[B]

This sounds like a poem from McCusker's journal.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Who wrote that?

[B]

Nothing short of a genius.

[A]

It's beautiful.

[B]

Nothing short of a goddamn genius wrote that. That sounded eloquent.

[E]

My God.

[A]

I mean, this one is screaming. Matt McCusker.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I thought it was you.

[B]

I mean, Lewis doesn't know the past tense of no way.

[A]

Dude, he's this thing.

[B]

He would misspell ghastly.

[A]

This thing. This thing was beautifully written, first of all, beautiful. Very visual.

[B]

Look at the two spaces after the periods.

[A]

But I also. That's also just showing your age. If there's.

[B]

Comma, period, comma, comma, space.

[E]

I mean, yeah, just the grammar eliminates a few of us up here, so.

[A]

Matt, it's beautifully written. Also, you're.

[D]

Hold on. It's not me.

[A]

You're a psycho. Who would check on another human?

[D]

Shit.

[E]

This is some weird shit. Do you have a lot of friends?

[B]

Science. He's got a scientific mind. He wants to know how it works, what's breaking down, what's making this happen. Oxygen. God's will.

[A]

Matt. I mean, defend yourself. This is your story to defend right now. I mean, we don't know. Explain.

[C]

Expl.

[A]

Explain to me how this could.

[D]

I could have got set up. We have chat GBT now, man.

[A]

Someone could have chat gbt.

[B]

It's true. That's true.

[E]

His only comeback was like, I thought it was you.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, I'm just. I'm just reeling from this tail. It is great writing.

[B]

Twists and turns, ups, downs.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, look, I don't want to spend any more time here. I don't any have anything to present to the table to maybe convince me or anyone else on this panel that this is not Matt McCusker. Please tell me why. Give me. Give me something.

[D]

I could see. This is his game. He's a 4D chess guy. He's throwing. He's throwing jukes.

[B]

And I wouldn't.

[D]

That's so fucking obvious. I wouldn't do that. Seriously. That's crazy. My shit's sparse, dude.

[B]

I think Matt still has the journal with the. With the changes. I think there's something growing out of it now.

[A]

To my great surprise, had turned a ghastly shade of white.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Much to his chagrin.

[A]

It's a beautiful.

[E]

It's a beautiful story about shit.

[B]

Yeah, it is beautiful.

[A]

You should write Hallmark cards.

[E]

It's so well done.

[B]

Even giving it in the past tense. The kid shat behind sound like he did something kind of beautiful. Like, that's just part. It's a cycle of life, man. In one and out the other.

[A]

I mean, if it's not Matt and it's one of somebody else and they're going to clean up because I think everyone's voting for Matt here. And I know you're not going.

[D]

Big J.

[B]

I did write my reasons on this kid.

[A]

Matt McCusker's my answer. Easy peasy.

[D]

Guys are going to be sorry.

[A]

Oh, Jamar puts in a vote for Brendan Shaw.

[C]

Maybe I'm just trying to be rant him, you know, I think it was him.

[B]

Alex, everyone's in.

[F]

Story number three belongs to Matt McCusker.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

Slam dumb.

[E]

You're too good, man. Your writing's too good.

[B]

You're on the board, though. You're on the board.

[D]

This could have been a play, though. You never know.

[A]

I mean, tell me a little more. Who was this kid?

[D]

Dude, this guy named Scott. He lived up the street. He just. I remember, like, my older brothers are gathered around because he was just shitting behind a bush, and everyone thought it was funny. And I remember being little and I saw the turd, and I was, like, small, like a little jagged guy. And I remember I just kept checking, anytime I'd be around that street, I would go up and just kind of peek. And one day it was just white, and I was real little, and I was like, I didn't know poop turned white outside. I still think I can picture it right now.

[B]

Ghastly.

[D]

I was cooking dinner when I wrote this. I was kind of giggling to myself.

[B]

Your senses were alive.

[A]

Alex. Three stories down, where are our points?

[F]

All right, tied for last place with one point each, Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors.

[A]

Let's.

[F]

In third place with four points, Big J Okerson.

[B]

Right in the thick.

[F]

In second place with six points, Brendan Schaub. And in the lead with seven points, Luis J. Gomez.

[B]

It's heating up. I can see Brendan does not want to go home without. How I Helped OJ Get Away With Murder, which details the moral compromises author Mike Gilbert made as Simpson's manager after the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson. For instance, he describes counseling OJ to stop taking his arthritis medication so his hands would swell, thus causing the infamous glove not to fit, acting as a massive catalyst to OJ Simpson getting away with the horrific crime. Someone goes home with that.

[A]

Alex. Story number four.

[F]

Story number four. I once babysat for a kid who had behavioral issues. They were very young and small, but by the end of the night, the kids spat on me and threatened my girlfriend with a knife.

[A]

All right, so nobody's having Brendan Shaw babysit their children. That is ridiculous. He would crush their skulls with his giant ape like hands.

[B]

What? Didn't you ever see fucking the Rock and the Nanny? Tooth Fairy?

[A]

I mean, Big J, I know he did babysit for kids that had his. His brother.

[B]

Siblings.

[A]

Your siblings. But that's okay.

[B]

This is big. None of them have behavioral issues.

[A]

They might have a little brother.

[E]

It's also the grammar, too. Behavioral issues.

[D]

Spat is a kind of spat.

[E]

Yeah, that's a weird one.

[B]

Sounds a lot like shat.

[A]

It does sound a lot like shat. Son of a. It's one letter off from shat, Jay. You're right.

[B]

Sounds a lot like shat. You just.

[A]

You just made up for that whole her horseshit from earlier today.

[B]

Yeah, but it was my siblings. None have behavioral issues. You're asking about my brother. He had a heroin issue. Later, I would define that as a behavioral issue. Not when I was babysitting him. He was like, little kid. He wasn't doing heroin at 11. I moved out. He was like 11.

[A]

But he might have had behavioral issues.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

If he spat on you and threatened your girlfriend with a knife, you don't.

[B]

Think he would have heard by the time I brother threatened my girlfriend with a knife, I'd have a one man show about it.

[E]

It's a badass little kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You didn't babysit other kids?

[B]

Me?

[E]

Yeah. Anyone.

[A]

No.

[B]

I babysat a lot, but it was my siblings. I only.

[A]

I only see my actual son two.

[B]

Days a week, and he still calls that babysitting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I gotta watch James tonight.

[E]

Big J. When you'd babysit your. Whether it's family or whatever. This was in Philly.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

That's a bad Philly kid. The little bad Philly kid. To threaten a girlfriend with a knife, that's a badass Philly kid.

[B]

Most of it's South Jersey, which I don't know if it changes anything. Also, a lot of drugs and kids with knives.

[A]

I mean, Jamar sitting right over there. We haven't even looked at him.

[B]

No one's picturing someone go, jamar, you have to watch my child this evening. Yeah. What color Mohawk do you think they like?

[A]

No. I can see them asking Jamar to babysit. Jamar's a sweetheart of a guy, definitely.

[C]

Thank you, man. And y' all underestimating, like, how well I speak.

[D]

But babysitting. Babysitting with a girlfriend, that means that's heaven, dude. You're ever babysit with a girl?

[E]

No, man.

[B]

Oh, no. I shouldn't say. Yeah, but my siblings, again, I was able all the time. So they were there. Yes.

[D]

Girlfriend who had their girlfriend there on the babysitting job is the question.

[B]

I watched these kids until I was 20. Yeah, this does interesting smack of Jamar. Maybe.

[D]

Now it's on this side of the table.

[A]

I'm thinking I'm just imagining now being a little black kid. I mean, spitting on me and then threatening my girlfriend with a knife. This is little black kid behavior if I've ever seen it.

[C]

Yeah, anything. I was the kid.

[A]

This is how you graduate the first grade in the black community.

[C]

Spat.

[A]

Maybe you spat lyrics, Jamar. Maybe that's what they're saying. He spat.

[C]

Ooh, but a knife. But a knife, But a knife. Like, niggas don't use knife. Well, he did, but, like, the OJ did, but not like, OJ is black. He not a. Like.

[E]

That's the difference again.

[A]

Okay, Right.

[B]

So you're Mississippi.

[A]

This one is tough.

[C]

What a knife.

[E]

I think this one's a home run.

[C]

Babysat because.

[B]

Well, the reading, the double read. Sometimes a tell. Shat.

[A]

Yeah, shat gas.

[B]

Behavioral. You just read the last word of every single.

[A]

I'm gonna get the voting going, Big J. I'm getting. This may not be a little brother. Maybe there was another time where you babysit somebody else. You have a thing. You have a. You just have a thing. You. I don't know what's going on. I'm getting a vibe from you, and I could just. Maybe I'm maybe rolling over this or. Or not remembering a story of you babysitting somebody else's kids. But I know you babysit your own brother and your own little sisters.

[B]

I said that.

[A]

I know. So I'm saying maybe you babysat some other kids that were crazy. But I'm just getting a Big J vibe, and that's who I'm voting for.

[B]

Oh, I guess we just follow Lewis now. Wow, Brendan. I thought you were the Alf at this table. I guess we all worship to Lewis. Now.

[C]

I'm gonna go Brandon Schaub again, just in case.

[A]

Two votes for Brendan Schaub.

[C]

Same just in case J.

[A]

Big J holding off until everyone voted to make his vote. Which is telling, in my opinion. Votes for Jamar.

[B]

Why? Because that's what you did when it was your story way to the very end.

[A]

In your opinion, are you mad because me and Brendan took away two of your points?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Alex.

[F]

Story number four belongs to Big J Okerson.

[D]

Fuck. That was my first guess.

[B]

They went to the shittiest white thing, too. It was me. And I pointed a finger right at Jamar. Damn, that was some real Karen shit I just did. Jamar would probably. There's people in his life with knives and threatenings.

[D]

Thought that was you.

[A]

This wasn't your little brother?

[B]

No, it was my mom's. My mom's friend had kids, and they asked me to babysit one of them. I didn't realize one had, like, behavioral issues. I mean, pretty severe, at least at this time. And it's one of The. I can handle it. Like, I'm big and she is little.

[A]

It's a she.

[D]

Whoa.

[B]

Yes. And that did not scare her, even sort of. And she was just a problem. And it was things, like, where you'd have to, you know, like, stop her from hurting herself by, like, you know, you grab her by the arms. And then when you grab her by the arms, like, laughing like a lunatic with, like, pennywise eyes, gathering up so much muck, spit in her mouth and just, like, spitting like, it was so gross. And then my girlfriend came over to hang out for, like, the last hour I was there, and the girl just came out. She's like, where is she? I go, she's been a nightmare. And then she just came out screaming with a knife from the kitchen, like, at her. And then she had to go outside and then. But she's just like, kind of like, oh, I'm just kidding. It was a fucking real knife.

[E]

Have you. Have you followed up? How's she doing now?

[B]

She's great. She became a regular functioning adult, I think. College educated, a good kid.

[A]

But were you babysitting Megan 2.0?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a machine from the government, but, yeah, we got through it and I made 50 bucks.

[C]

There you go.

[B]

Yeah, sick. Got a couple points, too.

[A]

Four stories down. Alex, where are points at?

[F]

All right, tied for last place with one point each, Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors. In third place with six points, Big J Okerson. In second place with eight points, Brendan Schaub. And in the lead with nine points, Luis J. Gomez.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Austin, Texas, halfway through the show, four stories down. @ this point in the show, we always do plugs, so we're gonna go around real quick. Jamar, what are you plugging my friend?

[C]

Hey, I got a special coming out called cultural icon on YouTube November 2nd, and I'll be at Skank Fest the 13th through the 17th with a bunch of dope ass art, man. So. Yep.

[A]

Jamar, what time is your special premiere?

[C]

6:00Pm Nice.

[A]

I asked because my special premiere is at 2:00pm 2:00pm Excuse me, Brandon, what are you plugging my friend?

[E]

Firing the kid. Firing kid has Patreon now, so. Yeah, find the kid. Patreon. Yep.

[B]

Very cool.

[D]

Matt McCusker, a humble offering on Netflix. Check that out.

[B]

Yeah, thank you.

[D]

Thank you. And ticket [e-mail] I have a couple shows coming up, so go to the.

[B]

Big j okerson bigj comedy.com for all my dates. I'm coming to a city near you for sure. On Big J. Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. And of course, double, double album release, double vinyl of them. Day is coming up very soon. Pre sale happening now over at my website. So 500 of them. I autographed all of them and drew a picture of a wiener holding a gun. With shoes. With shoes on and veins and like hair and stuff. It's in everyone. An autograph. Think of that. So, and then the Downloads of the 400 hours and digital download of the album. So yeah, look, for that I'm doing some live streams on YouTube, of course, the Legion of Skanks right here on Gas Digital. And bonfire five days a week on Faction Talk with me and Bobby Kelly.

[A]

Come see me live on the road. Guys, first of all, we're doing some more live story wars on the road the night before Thanksgiving. I think that's the 26th of November. We're gonna be doing Philadelphia two story war shows in Philly. So come out in Philly if you guys are in the area. My new special available now on YouTube, if you listen to this right now, it's called you're making this worse, go give it a click and give it a comment. Share it with a friend and send it to five friends. Why not? And then come see me on the road. I'm going to be in Nashville in December, Columbus, Ohio and New Year's Eve with Zach Kiko, Real ass podcast, reunion shows and a lot more stuff. Guys, just go to LewisOfSkangs.com check out all the other podcasts that I do. Legion of Skanks, the Rags, my solo podcast, and pre order my book knives and Spoons on Amazon right now. Go do it. And I appreciate that.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

And last, thank you. Last but not least, go subscribe to Gas Digital. We do an uncensored and ad free version of the show. There's a bunch of episodes that aren't available anywhere else. You only get them at gas digital.com use the promo code WAR. Save a couple bucks a month that supports the show directly and you get to support uncensored ad free comedy. All right, Jay.

[B]

Well, there's the second half of the show. Matt Jamar, you guys are probably feeling like the fuck did I even come here for? This game is stupid. It doesn't make sense. How could Lewis have invented it and also always win it? Is there even a reason for me to be here? Just to be some patsy for this jerk off to feed his own ego? But that's not what it's about, it's still a fair game, because while you feel out of it, you're not. Because for the final four stories, we got double points. It's a pretty simple concept made very difficult before, where is. If you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you guessed the correct story, you got two points. That now goes to double points.

[A]

Thank you, Roots. We have him in the balcony. We have the Roots playing up on the balcony. I know.

[B]

We're worried about having Questlove up that high. He's fine. He's bottom heavy. We keep him sitting. Alex, let's get in the second half of this motherfucker with story number five.

[F]

Story number five. When I was 12 years old, a friend of mine, a girl who I was attracted to, came home with me after school. I talked her into, quote, fooling around. When she took off her shirt and bra, I panicked and kicked her out aggressively.

[B]

Who. Who are these authors?

[A]

Was this John Steinbeck? I mean, so look, this. I. I started reading it. I was, like, 12 years old, got a hot girl to come home with them, take her shirt off. It's got to be Brendan Schub.

[B]

But then you're gonna say, it must be me.

[A]

No, no, it was you. Yeah, no, but I was like. But then he panicked and kicked her out aggressively. I feel like Brendan Schwab isn't doing that. He's. He's taking what he wants.

[B]

And then when he's done, kicked her out aggressively.

[E]

It's aggressive. My man.

[B]

I got what I need.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Conan. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Yeah. I assume this isn't Jamar. When he was 12, he already had three kids.

[A]

Chick.

[B]

No Chick. Pulling her titties out is gonna make him go running for the hills. You can knock around and hope that his real, real wife doesn't find out yet.

[E]

Someone who's not too experienced.

[A]

Yeah, 12 years old, someone probably grew.

[E]

Up staring at it.

[D]

Ah, no way.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that is true.

[A]

This is a dorky virgin move.

[B]

Oh, neighborhood dookie boy strikes again. The turd watcher.

[A]

Tur watcher.

[B]

Hey, man, I just sit behind this bush. Can you keep an eye on that for me?

[A]

Hey, kid, come look at my.

[B]

Hey, let me know if this looks like the other one you saw.

[A]

Oh, this could be McGusker out aggressively. 12 at 12. Boobs at 12 is huge. I made out with my first girl at 12 years old. I wasn't around boobs until, I want to say the 10th grade.

[B]

10Th grade?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The first ones were guys.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. The first ones were yours.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

But I mean, Yeah. I mean, McCusker, I touch boobs at 12 years old. You touch boobs at 12?

[E]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I'm not buying that.

[A]

I'm not buying that, dude.

[E]

I'm not buying that, man. Not me, dude. I like boobs.

[B]

Telling you, I totally clean contact nipples, aerials, or. Oh, the whole thing's great.

[C]

I was getting a lot of lap dances when I was 12.

[B]

Practicing cousins. Yo, Jamar, tell me if this good. This make you nut in the club. I guess if he wasn't my cousin. Yeah, but if we wasn't cousins, right, you'd be. You'd be bricked up right now, right? I think so. I think so.

[A]

It's also written in a very long way, like, similarly to before. Matt's story had a lot of commas, a lot of punctuation quotes. Quotes. Yeah, there's a lot.

[D]

Fooling. Or I would never say fooling around. Quote. That's crazy.

[B]

Crazy. Yeah.

[E]

You would.

[A]

When I was 12.

[D]

Well, I mean, so obvious. We'll find out.

[E]

Who could.

[C]

Who could get a girl to come home with him at 12?

[D]

Yeah, my mom was there at home.

[C]

Not me. I was in a foster home, so there's too many kids around.

[B]

Oh, one of the real kids.

[A]

I don't know. People are losing.

[D]

People are going to lose big on this one.

[B]

I know. I'm worried about going with another thing to just not keep.

[A]

I mean, my instincts have been really treating me pretty well so far. Has Jamal voted for Brendan Schaub on every single story so far.

[B]

This one for real is him eventually gonna be. Right.

[A]

Why do you think it's Brendan?

[C]

Because he just seems like he was probably taking chicks home to see they titties and shit a lot. I don't know. Well, probably sex.

[D]

You're gonna feel like idiots in a second. Wasn't me.

[A]

I didn't. I didn't vote. I didn't vote yet. But I'm thinking I'm. There's part of me that's thinking this could be Brendan as well. Because all I know, you were like, a sports kid. I'm assuming these are all just assumptions. Overbearing dad. You got this girl in your house or titties about like, my dad's gonna come home, he's gonna kill me. You got to get out of here. And you. And you're also a big meathead, so you were aggressive when you kicked her out.

[C]

Out.

[A]

He shoved her head out the door.

[C]

But y' all talking the same, so it actually could be Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

This could easily be me as well. I'm kind of talking to myself right now.

[B]

Aggressive, dragging this out.

[A]

Wait, did you.

[B]

Did you.

[A]

Ready to take your hand off?

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, my bad. Oh, my bad.

[B]

I can't do that.

[C]

My bad.

[A]

I can't do that.

[D]

Nice catch.

[C]

Oh, my bad. I didn't know I couldn't do that.

[A]

Take the rules very seriously, Jamar.

[C]

All right, all right, right.

[B]

All right.

[C]

I put Brandon Shaw, but I think it's Louis J.

[A]

You. But you think it's me. Now you're saying, for the record, you think it was Louis J. Louie J. McCusker. It's either McCusker or Brandon. Who do we think it is? Do we think it's Matt McCusker? No.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Do we think it's Brendan Schaub.

[C]

Man?

[B]

A man of the people, the audience. Oh, good. They're.

[A]

They're reading something that I'm not reading here. And now I see Brendan's face. He's sad.

[C]

It's Louis J.

[A]

He's getting sad.

[B]

It's Louis J.

[A]

Brendan is my final answer. The audience did that. Jay, who'd you vote?

[B]

Shit.

[F]

All right, story number five belongs to Big J Oberson.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Holy shit.

[D]

Unbelievable.

[A]

What a play. He's. He was so composed.

[D]

That was crazy.

[A]

He was shitting himself the entire time.

[B]

When. When Matt started running brethren, I go.

[A]

He'S running brethren, dude.

[D]

That was unbelievable.

[A]

That was an amazing play. Big J, Second half veteran move, coming back to Austin with a vengeance after a victory here last night. Jay, tell us this story. Jesus Christ. That was a great play.

[B]

Walking home from school, my friend Kristen, who lived up the street, and I think, like, her dad was friends with my grandparents, whatever. I used to stay at my grandparents place. And she came home after school one day, hang out, and I was like, making a lot of, like, what I thought was, like, empty suggestions because I was like, she's not going to, but I'm like, definitely throwing it out there or something. And then she was pretty quickly like, yeah, sure. And she took off her shirt and bra. She had monster tits. And then she goes, can I lay on top of you? And I went, yeah. And I laid on the ground and she laid on top of me. All I remember is that look up of, like, her own tits, like squishing her face up. And then I just went, you gotta get outta here. My grandma's gonna get pissed, just like you said. I go, if my grandma comes home, we're gonna get in trouble. I just didn't know what to do next. So I panicked and fucking threw her out. I was like, this is all going, this is too fast for me what's happening? And yeah, I panicked, threw her out and said my grandmother would come home and, and yell at us. Damn.

[A]

Well, I'll tell you right now, the, that story, even though you didn't get to with her titties, was worth what you did because you just cleaned up clean.

[B]

Sweet. Oh, guys. And I had sex eventually.

[D]

Nice.

[B]

Penis vagina penetration. Full penetration.

[A]

Alex, where our points at?

[D]

God damn.

[F]

All right. Tied for last place with one point.

[A]

Each.

[F]

Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors. In third place with eight points, Brendan Schau. In second place with nine points, Luis J. Gomez. And now in the lead with 14 points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

Somebody needs to thank. Double points.

[B]

Hey, story warriors, let's take a quick second and thank one of our great sponsors over here. And that, of course, is Turtle Beach. And you know that Turtle Beach Gen 3 Stealth 700 headset. The holidays are here. If you have nerds and dweebs and geeks and losers in your life, life, this is going to make their wangers so hard. That's my personal endorsement.

[A]

Endorsement. It's a hard wanger. And then the geeks and nerds, little tiny, tiny hard waggers, little teensy wangers.

[B]

But some of these nerds have big wangers. They just don't know.

[A]

Look what I'm wearing right now, Jay. You can see me.

[B]

Turtle Beach.

[A]

Turtle Beach. I don't around. I'm alive about this. I bring them on the road with me. I, I have the Stealth 700 ones are the ones that I bring when I podcast on the road. These are the ones that I have in my home studio, which are just different ones altogether. They have tons of hardware. Just a genuinely TR trusted company that has a bunch of amazing video game hardware. The Stealth 700s are the best, most comfortable, best sounding in your ear and best microphone sounding headset you can get on the market, period. Just in general. But if you're looking to upgrade your.

[B]

Entire gaming room, 80 hours, 80 hours.

[A]

Of charge, 80 hours of battery life. That's insane. You can play for days on end without having to recharge your headphones, which is nuts. Just go over to turtlebeach.com turtlebeach.com and use the promo code wars to get 10 off your entire order. That's W A r z for 10 [e-mail] Holiday season is upon us. This is an easy, easy, quick way to get the shopping done for a bunch of different people in your life. TurtleBeach.com use that promo code WARS. Okay, story warriors, let's thank AG1 for being a brand new sponsor on the show. You can start your life way healthier with just one scoop. AG1. Next Gen Gut Health is a big deal, Jay. Gut health is huge. Now, like everyone's talking about gut health. You want to make sure that you have the right type of probiotics. You want to make sure that you have the right healthy gut. They're saying they're figuring out that this is the source and the root of so many different diseases, Diseases and things. So you gotta make sure you have a good gut.

[B]

Absolutely. And AG1 comes through with the next gen, which is available in four great flavors. AG1 is also clinically shown to support gut health and fill in common nutrient gaps. It even has five probiotic strains and over 75 vitamins and minerals.

[A]

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[B]

All right, where were we, Alex? Story number six.

[F]

Story number six. I got thrown out of my child's baseball game after almost fighting the ump. I was suspended for the next game, snuck in to watch, and got caught while hiding in the bushes.

[B]

I want to say Brenda, but Brenda's not hiding in bushes. He has to hide in the tall trees, tall grass.

[A]

I mean, if I'm not mistaken, this made national news. It was all over somebody's subreddit.

[B]

This is the first time it's ever been really admitted to in public.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I'm not going to say who I think it is. I'll let you guys figure it out. But I think I have an idea.

[B]

Who's got a son who's super into sports and not musical theater?

[A]

Baby James is extremely well rounded.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

His boyfriend told me so.

[B]

Tiger's. Tiger's cracking homers. But James is going to be Sebastian the Crab yet again, Tiger.

[A]

Tiger's cracking homers. James is cracking homos. Yeah, God damn it, James. Stop being so good now. He's great.

[B]

Both. Both get scholarships for different reasons.

[A]

I told him I would hit him if he didn't love girls. Okay, so. So, Jamar, you have a daughter that's a baby.

[C]

Yeah. She's talented, though.

[A]

This is not you, McOsker. You have two toddlers, both girls. Yeah, yeah. Not you. Jay, you have a daughter. Yeah, not you.

[B]

She's not a lesbian.

[A]

Oh, it says child. It says child's baseball game. This could be another child. But, no, it doesn't say girls play softball. Yeah, yeah, it says baseball.

[B]

Not my daughter. You know, she's strictly dick like.

[A]

Jamar, do you have. Who you voting for over here? Jamar.

[B]

But you have a kid.

[A]

You have a son, too.

[C]

You have a kid, too.

[B]

Should we scratch this story?

[C]

I mean, I think it's Brandon shot because he's always talking about his kid in baseball and. And.

[A]

And.

[B]

And getting up almost.

[C]

And it's. Yeah, it's him.

[B]

Yeah, he's a bush hunter.

[A]

I think it's Brendan. Because I watch tmz.

[B]

I think it's. Yeah, I think it's Bre. It was confirmed by several news sources, trusted news sources.

[A]

I mean, we're just wasting time on this one.

[B]

Do we discount the story?

[A]

No, we don't discount the story, Jay. There's no discounting stories.

[B]

You know what? You're right. There's still a chance that fucking Jamar's gonna say somebody else.

[A]

Brendan Schaub is my vote. Shaw votes me. Brendan Shaw. What does it say up top?

[C]

Yeah, that's Shaw trying to write story wars, but it's Brendan Shaw right there.

[B]

There.

[A]

Store.

[B]

It's a work in progress. These guys. Jamar, these guys don't understand art, man.

[C]

My teacher was right. Yeah, that lady. Let me get Ms. Myers back.

[B]

How many letters from Story Wars?

[A]

Four.

[B]

You just stopped sounding it out at four letters, like, oh, she said four. That was be it, Alex.

[A]

All of our answers are.

[F]

Story number six belongs to Brendan Shaw.

[B]

So I guess the story is pretty much like the news copter covered. Yeah.

[E]

Terrible submission on my end. I. I apologize, fellas.

[D]

That was in the news.

[E]

The kid was safe, though. That's the thing. He was safe. And every. I was. Every game I coach in the Some. You know, if they know who I am, like, oh, bigger strike zone today.

[A]

Don't want to get beat up, like, all right, man.

[B]

Sure it got that heated?

[E]

Well, no, I. I've never interfered in the game ever. But this one was so obvious, the Tigers tried sliding the home. And he called him out, clearly safe.

[B]

And I.

[E]

It was a short guy, like, a real short nerdy guy. And I go. I come up. I go, come on, bud.

[A]

You got.

[E]

You got to call it fair. Like, he killed safe by a mile. And he goes, you're out of here. And I went. I kind of panicked. Went, you're a fucking dork. And he goes, oh, am I? Well, I'm not the one missing my son's game next. And I got suspended for the next game. And I was like, yeah, right. They're not gonna enforce that. I show up, and they're like. Security was like, yeah, get the fuck out. And I was like, okay, I don't want to distract. Okay? And I went and hid in the bushes. And they're like.

[A]

Brendan wasn't hidden at all. His head was above the bushes, his arms.

[B]

What? I'm just a pretty little fern watching baseball.

[E]

Then security came, like, what are you doing?

[A]

There's a bird on his head.

[B]

Did you do that thing? I'm just a ficus tree. Calling it. Like I sees it. Right down the middle. No favoritism.

[D]

He just saw your giant flower pot move five feet.

[B]

That's my dad. Who the rhododendron. Was your son embarrassed?

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

But he gets hiding in the bush, yelling, get some. Like, shit like that. Who else wants some?

[B]

Did he.

[E]

They're nine.

[B]

Did he, like, express that to you? I always thought it was interesting and funny. Like, James is such a good kid, and he. And he knows his father so well that I've been in a situation where Lewis starts losing his cool with somebody and James around, and James, like, he just kind of looks and goes, like, that's just my dad. It's, like, such a. It's almost adorable. He's like, you got to let him do his thing. And then he cools down.

[A]

Well, he knows. He knows never to go against me. One time, he went against me with a waiter, and he, like, took the waiter side because they were being rude.

[B]

He gave a speech about loyalty.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, you are, Gomez. I was like, I don't care how wrong you think I am. We take it up at home later on.

[B]

We are supposed to ride together through Valhalla. My only seed has betrayed me.

[A]

Six stories down. We're having a great time. Alex, where are our points at?

[F]

All right. Tied for last place with five points.

[A]

Nice.

[F]

Matt McCusker and Jamar Nabors in fourth place with eight points. Brendan Schaub. In second place with 13 points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with 18 points, Big J Okerson.

[B]

They love him.

[A]

They love. They love an underdog story. This is rooting for Rocky. Rocky.

[B]

Because I wasn't supposed to be here, I should be pumping gas in the street streets of Philadelphia. I'm uneducated, I'm fat, I'm stupid.

[A]

I'm afraid. What do you want me to say.

[B]

For the first time in my life? All right. Is that what you want to hear? I don't want to lose what I got.

[A]

Oh, boy. Two more stories, Alan. Thanks. Jake had really run away with this one. Returning to Austin, Texas, story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. Recently I found myself in a hot tub with about 8 to 1012 year old girls.

[B]

Found myself is funny way to put it.

[A]

Chris. Dalia.

[B]

Oh, this is gonna look bad. Stupid Radisson in.

[A]

Who would admit this? Well, this is clearly somebody here hates pedophiles. Okay, relax. Yeah, relax. Give him a chance.

[B]

What was the trick of a pedophile hunter? Throw the story up and goes. It was me. Can I talk to you for a second? This is a birthday party, a family thing. It's not as salacious as we're all hoping. I know. We're all getting these half boners for nothing right now.

[D]

How old's James?

[A]

He's 12. Listen, but he's gay, so we're. Would the girls come from?

[B]

Well, they're upstairs with dad in what you call a hot tub, but just a. A hot bath with Lewis blowing a straw into it.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

You girls like bubbles from Uncle Louie?

[A]

Am I doing a turkey sound effect?

[B]

I was. That was me blowing bubbles.

[A]

8.

[D]

8 to 10's weird too, because that was definitely someone laying in bed like, what a great day. There's probably 8, maybe 10. 12 year old girls.

[B]

Yeah, nobody goes like this.

[A]

2, 4, 6, 10, 10.

[B]

How many 8 to 10? I don't know. A couple were under the water, some were above. Depends when you were counting heads, you.

[A]

Know what I mean?

[B]

I thought there was eight, but then two popped up. They were busy.

[A]

Also weird.

[E]

Also weird language.

[A]

Found myself in the hot tub.

[E]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

So struck me. I happened upon a situation.

[A]

What if they mean they found themselves? They're like, this is who I really am. This is who I always have been.

[B]

This is, I'm a 12 year old girl in a hot tub.

[A]

To be real, I found myself. I just found myself. I'm a poet.

[B]

Oh, dude. Maybe this is when Jamar realized he was a painter. You Were. There you go. I have to paint this moment. Moment.

[C]

Nah.

[B]

The one painting you can never sell.

[E]

This one's tough.

[A]

Who? Yeah, I mean, I think there's somebody trying to make it sound funny.

[B]

Wait, how old are your kids?

[D]

Met like 5 and 3.

[B]

Like.

[A]

A gray area.

[B]

I don't know. Not fun enough to be fun yet.

[A]

It.

[D]

Now they're blast.

[A]

I mean, my son's not hanging out with.

[D]

They're not paying off dividends like this. So I don't know.

[B]

Yeah. Who's this? T.R. like Paul Stanley. That be James. Just in the middle of a bunch of 12 girls. Hey, gals, we're all friends.

[A]

I mean, Jamar, this could be like a. Like a. A family barbecue type situation.

[B]

Family reunion.

[C]

Yeah, but ain't no. You find no hot tubs in Inglewood. Like in somebody backyard.

[B]

No, that's right. But if there's a hot tub tub, everybody's getting in all eight to 10. You better get that hot tub now. You better get that hot tub now. We leaving soon.

[A]

I'm thinking I'm getting Jamar vibes.

[B]

Go in your underwear. They all family, cuz Jamar. Mom, I didn't bring no bathing suit. Go in your underwear. Go get your cousin. Like that. Well, if you ain't gay, then it shouldn't be a problem. Swim. Don't look at his dick.

[A]

I just.

[B]

One man showed it to me, thinking it's Jamar.

[A]

It's Jamar. I think it's Jamar, too. Nah.

[C]

You know how I know it's not me? Because I wouldn't say 12 year old girls. I would say 12 year old bitches.

[B]

True.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

But Alex. Alex will take liberties with the wording.

[A]

What is your problem, Brendan? You voted for me every round because I'm getting Jamar vibes.

[C]

Dude, y' all got me up.

[B]

Am I the idiot here? What the hell am I the idiot? Louis, you would have called me about this elated. Dude, I just had the craziest night.

[C]

I got a pen.

[B]

I just dropped James off, then found myself in a hot tub. You know what? I drove James home after his birthday party. Told the girls, hey, hang on. I'll be back at 15. I'm just gonna drop shades off. I'll be back in a second with some fucking Mike's Hard Lemonades. What? You guys like lemonade?

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, just like the lemonade you like.

[C]

I got a pee. Am I allowed to go do that?

[A]

No. We got one more story. Jamar.

[B]

All right, cool.

[C]

I think it's you.

[A]

You.

[B]

Alex. Everybody's vote is in.

[F]

Story number seven belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[E]

Got it.

[A]

Got it. Big points. You know, I really did just find myself in that hot tub.

[B]

Did you pass out on the night before and woke up in the morning?

[A]

No, I. No, I was, I was at a hotel somewhere on the road, like Rhode island or somewhere. Who knows, snorkel and. Yeah, you remember where? No, I know I went into. I went into the pool.

[B]

The greatest hot tub of your life.

[A]

No, there was a hot tub and I went into the hot tub. I was by myself and then all these girls, one by one started coming in my hot tub. And then I started coming in my hot tub. No. No comment.

[D]

How long did you stay in? How long you stay in?

[E]

You think you out when there's like four in there, right?

[A]

No, dude, I couldn't let them out alpha me. I was like, I'm not leaving this hot tub. This is my hot tub. And then they, they were like, they were literally just 12 year old, maybe 11 years old. I have no idea.

[B]

If you don't mind if we take our straps off. We don't want to get tan lines. I don't care. I'm not your dad.

[A]

Then they sorted.

[B]

What am I here to tell you? What to do. Live your life.

[A]

They started eating like Cheetos and they had like Cheetos. I remember the girls, they kept on eating them for.

[B]

Oh, you didn't say they were fat 12 year old girls. That changes everything. They were just, they were now call the front desk on them. No pigs. No 12 year old pigs in this pool.

[A]

No, they were hot, dude.

[B]

Apologies. Apologies, dude. Yeah, that was, I was, it must.

[A]

Have been a team.

[B]

They were a team or something, right?

[D]

Yeah, I was picturing babes the whole time.

[B]

That is, by the way, I, it is a weird thing. I, you know, I smoke cigarettes and I go outside of hotels on the road a bunch and it is like you see like a bus pull up and it's like the girls, whatever team from some college coming out and you're like, what an old creep. I look like. Good game. Gals kick ass out there today. Hey, don't hurt him on the ice.

[A]

So these girls, they were eating Cheetos and then a bag of Cheetos. And at one point the girl, there was one girl, she made eye contact. She had. Her fingers were covered in Cheeto dust and she just made eye contact with me. And I watched her just dunk her hands into the hot tub water to clean her hands.

[B]

Exactly how I would have handled it if I was alone, you probably all.

[D]

Know things like a catfish.

[A]

Dude, dude, I was so noodling for you. I went.

[B]

I'm just okie, noodling, mister. It's got a little giant kid.

[D]

She's trying to catch a Puerto Rican.

[B]

Holy.

[D]

She heard that's how you catch a Puerto Rican. The bait was on There.

[B]

She goes back to her hotel room with a Lewis on her arm. Mom, I think I figured out.

[A]

And then it I. There was a sign that said nobody under 16 allowed in the hot tub.

[B]

So I start carting people. You care.

[A]

I went over to hotel like the, the person that was working, like the Blair Beaver check. I was like, I was like, you gotta. I was like there. I was like, these girls gotta go. They're not of age. And I got them kicked out of the hot tub.

[B]

You, you're a monster. First of all, why are you going into that fucking age soup? That is a fucking hotel hot tub, you weirdo.

[A]

Alex, where are our points at? 7 stories down. What a show.

[F]

All right. Tied for last place with nine points each, Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors. In third place with 12 points, Brendan Schaub. In second place with 15 points, Louis J. Gomez. And in the lead with 18 points, Big J. Okerson.

[A]

Oh, I'm coming for you. What are you gonna do?

[B]

It's a three way dance.

[A]

Hey, we have one more story. You guys having a great time tonight? Austin, Texas, are you having a great time? Come on folks, it's our final story.

[B]

Jay, story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. There was this kid in my neighborhood who would steal stuff for us. One day we went to Goodwill and he got chased out for stealing a pair of Eddie Bauer cargo shorts. I remember feeling kind of sad for him and decided to steal for myself going forward.

[B]

This is Lewis's origin story.

[A]

No, I was a kid who would steal for that kid.

[B]

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's what I'm saying. This is telling a story about you.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. First thought, Matt McCusker.

[E]

Me.

[A]

Matt's a nice empathetic boy and I feel like you would feel sadness for this guy.

[B]

I'm gonna say something unpopular possibly here.

[A]

Please.

[B]

This feels like awe Brendan shove to me. Yep. I think there was some neighborhood piece of shit kid that would steal stuff from them. This is a very Colorado story story. Stealing all kinds of stuff like those sheepskin things and saddles.

[A]

A leather jacket.

[B]

Yeah. Then one that they, that guy went down for stealing some Eddie Bauer cargo shorts.

[E]

Very particular cargo shorts.

[D]

It is.

[C]

I think it was Matt McCusker because it starts the same sentence. It starts with this kid in my neighborhood. And this kid in my neighborhood also took a shit. It's the same kid. It's the same kid.

[B]

But as a selective label whore myself, I feel Brendan's got that label whore in him. Louis would never say Eddie Bauer cargo shorts. That means nothing to him.

[C]

But Matt McCusker would.

[B]

No, not in a million years. Matt wouldn't do that. No, he doesn't care about Eddie Bauer cargo shorts. This is either a cool black guy, an aspiring young wigger, or Brendan Schaub and his rap scallion hooligan friends from Aurora, Colorado. The ones that didn't shoot up a school. The cool ones.

[C]

Who is he still in Eddie Bauer shorts for?

[E]

Well, it's goodwill.

[B]

For the.

[C]

And who always wears shorts?

[A]

Big J.

[B]

Never any Bauer. Never cargo. I've been a jean short since the Ghostface kill in the ice cream video.

[E]

There was a kid.

[B]

Everyone's accepting this. True. Always jean shorts.

[A]

I am. I mean, Brendan's being quiet right now. He's also doing a lot of, like, self soothing and touching his face. He's covering himself now. He stopped doing it because he thinks we're looking at him. I'm. I'm analyzing physically what's going on. Brendan Schaub, right now, he's giving me some.

[B]

Doing that thing. Whatever you say, he's just gonna do. That's the thing.

[A]

Now he's gripping his microphone. Now he's squinting his eyes at me.

[B]

Like a Chinese elbowing McCusker in the face and putting Jamar in a headlock. This is kind of crazy.

[D]

Eddie Bowers. Throw him. Eddie Bauer's throwing me. Because it's like, are they good?

[B]

It's. They made an Eddie Bauer edition Ford Explorer at one point.

[D]

So that's what I know.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good.

[D]

After the box style.

[B]

It had a pinstripe on it. So I think.

[C]

I think it's Matt McCusker because I feel kind of sad for him. That's empathy. That's his.

[E]

And also, Eddie Bauer is a very white thing. Like, as whites, we like Eddie Bowers.

[D]

I don't even know. I don't even know about him, so.

[A]

Oh, it's him.

[E]

Oh, dude.

[C]

Still for myself. Still for myself.

[B]

What neighborhood you grew up in, Matt? You grew up Delco?

[D]

G Valley.

[A]

Oh, wait, no, no, I didn't take this stand. This is. This is not. Yeah, I never take. Thank you, y'.

[C]

All.

[B]

They know you're dying. The cheat. It's who you are.

[A]

Fuck this is one of the toughest ones we've had tonight.

[B]

Can I remind you all, whoever takes this game is going home with how I helped OJ get away with murder, which is ultimately presented as a confession revealing why Mike Gilbert broke his long held loyalty when he finally became fully convinced Simpson was guilty. The book provides his final dramatic statement, reversing his decades of support of O.J. simpson's vile crimes and condemning the trial of the century. Verdict.

[A]

This is it, folks. Jamar Neighbors putting his vote in for Big J Okerson right there and then. I don't think it's Big J either. Big J votes for Shaub Brendan Shaw. This is the only way, the only way to beat Jay right now is if I'm right about this. And I'm gonna go with my initial instinct. My boy Matty McCusker, he's. He's a nice guy. You know, I. I could see him saying this thing, feeling sad for him. He's the only one up here. I feel like they would feel sad for somebody in this situation.

[B]

Possible for sure.

[A]

This is the way that I bring it home and I take it away from Big J. I don't think so, though. But maybe if it's Brett, if it's Brandon, Big J wins, right? Right.

[B]

If it's McCusker.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You wins either way.

[C]

If his Big J. What do I get?

[B]

Kiss.

[A]

Alex.

[F]

Our final story, story number eight belongs to Matt McCusker.

[A]

That right, Matt? That's right.

[B]

You looked me, your old friend Jay in the face and you said, what is Eddie Bauer? Oh, I thought it was a car also. This show makes my friends hurt me.

[D]

You're the one sticking up for me. Everyone's like, it's instantly me. And then you're like, I think it was. And it just took the heat off.

[A]

Me for a little bit, but, oh, that felt good. Jay, I really bent you over there, dude. Oh, fuck. That was delightful.

[D]

I thought I had more people fooled, though. I almost came up on that one, but.

[B]

Yeah, you did.

[A]

You did good. But. So tell us a story here, please.

[D]

Yeah, it was just this kid who would, like, you know, back when they kept the cigarettes low instead of, like up in the thing, we would go to Wawa and we would just be like, dude, it's your turn to steal the cigarettes. And he would just, no question, just take, like, black and mild cigarettes, candy bars. And then one day we saw, went to Goodwill to, like, around. We used to buy T shirts from there and we, like, watched him get chased out of the store. This guy was like, he took a pair of Eddie Bauer cargo.

[A]

And it.

[D]

Just stuck with me ever since. And I remember like, damn, I don't want to hang out with that kid anymore. But stealing from Goodwill was kind of even back then, low. That was like a low move. The shorts were $3 Eddie Bowers. All right, Ebs, that's a good deal. But now he got away with it, though. He was rocking him.

[B]

So he eventually got away.

[D]

Some khaki colored Eddie Bauer cargo.

[B]

So you didn't feel bad that he got caught? You felt bad that he chose the life. Yeah.

[D]

Stealing from Goodwill. I remember even as a child, being like, that's not right. We shouldn't. Cigarettes from Wawa. That's totally understandable. Cargo shirts from Eddie.

[B]

Wawa's a Native American company. They've had it too good for too long if you ask this old patriot.

[A]

Alex, all of our stories are finally done. What is our final score?

[F]

All right, in last place with nine points, Jamar Neighbors.

[B]

Number one in all of our hearts. Say that next time, Alex. It lessens the blow.

[F]

In fourth place with 13 points, Matt McCusker.

[B]

It's a good showing. He had won till two stories ago.

[A]

Go.

[F]

In third place with 16 points, Brendan Schaub.

[B]

Respectable, respectable. First showing.

[A]

Very, very solid score.

[F]

Second place, scored 18 points. And your winner tonight with 19 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Those are reluctant woo woos. They're not happy for you.

[A]

No, they love me. They love me. Ladies, book. I'm so happy to fucking have this book. How I help OJ get away with murder. You're so jealous.

[B]

It might be the first book I really wanted. Yeah, dude, I want to own it.

[A]

Signing up. Wow, what a show, guys. You have a great time tonight. That's right, Story.

[B]

How about a big round of applause for your winner, Louis J. Gomez. Our amazing panel, the great Jamar Neighbors. This Special comes out November 2nd. Brendan Shaw, thank you so much for being here. Fighter and the Kid. Matt McCuskey, our new special Humber offering right now on Netflix. And make sure you check out Matt Shane's secret podcast. We'll catch you guys next time. Thank you so much, Comedy Mothership. Thank you so much, Austin. We love you guys. Until next time.

[A]

Peace, Sam.