073. Ryan Shaner, Dru Montana, Josie Marcellino| Family Gatherings

Summary

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Story Warz – Episode 073: Family Gatherings

Guest Panel: Ryan Shaner, Dru Montana, Josie Marcelino
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Date: December 26, 2025
Location: LIVE from Helium Comedy Club, Philadelphia

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Episode Overview

In this holiday-themed edition of Story Warz, comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez welcome Ryan Shaner, Dru Montana, and first-time participant Josie Marcelino for a raucous showdown of hilarious and outrageous family stories. Centered around the topic of "Family Gatherings," the episode features quick-witted storytelling, relentless ball-busting, and a spirited competition for the coveted “Story Warrior” title and a self-help book prize. As always, the goal: fool your fellow comics about which story is yours.

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Game Rules Refresher (05:00)

• Each panelist submits 3-5 true or false stories on the topic ("Family Gatherings").
• Eight stories are selected at random.
• When a story is read aloud, everyone tries to guess whose story it is.
• Fooling others earns points; correctly guessing earns points.
• Prize: Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty.

Jay: "We’re playing for a book from the Story Warz library. Tonight’s winner takes home Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty.” (06:40)

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Stories

The Blackface Thanksgiving (Story 1, 08:49–15:53)

• Story: "Every year on Thanksgiving, at least two of my family members would have blackface on at the dinner table."
• Roasting immediately begins—was this old-school racism or just mechanics covered in grease?
• Guesses fly between Drew, Shaner, and Josie—debate about "wood people" family traditions.
• Big Jay and Luis suspect blue-collar wordplay, but the crowd feels its deep-rooted “upstate woods energy.”
• Reveal: It's Drew Montana – but only hunting camo blackface, not racist blackface.
• Drew: "My dad and all my uncles hunted every Thanksgiving morning... full camo, blackface, and cover themselves in deer piss, then eat dinner before washing it off." (15:30)

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The Tripping Cousin at a Funeral (Story 2, 16:28–22:27)

• Story: At grandpa’s funeral, tripping cousin whispers, “If he sits up out of that coffin, I’m gonna shit my pants.”
• Immediately pegged by the group as "classic Shaner humor" (“shitting and dying is his genre”).
• Shaner Confirmed: “I was coming off back-to-back DUIs and my grandpa died. My cousin Robbie’s on psychedelics at the funeral and says, ‘If he sits up out that coffin I’m gonna shit my m*********** pants.’ Then sits in the car for the rest.” (21:39)
• Crowd enjoys the authenticity and Shaner’s affinity for deathly bowel movements.

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“Famous Musician” at a Family Gathering—Or Just a Juggalo Reunion? (Story 3, 25:47–32:13)

• Story: “I was at a family gathering attended by a famous musician.”
• Panel immediately accuses Josie of thinly veiled name dropping; she protests.
• The game spirals into jokes about Louis’ “family” events being Juggalo gatherings and his “famous musicians” being Hatebreed (his own network staff).
• Luis: “At the gathering of the Juggalos—where family’s more than just family—there were many famous musicians. Had Tech9 in mind.” (32:09)

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Grandma Misses Holidays… for Publishers Clearinghouse (Story 4, 34:43–44:06)

• Story: Grandma would skip holidays to wait for the Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol.
• Much panel confusion: “What’s Publishers Clearinghouse?” Younger comics (Drew, Josie) have no idea.
• Luis: “Grandma Jane… would be home waiting for Ed McMahon to show up with her Publishers Clearinghouse winnings. She also sold pharmaceutical drugs to everyone in her neighborhood. We called her Grandma Candy.” (44:06)
• Extended riff on “immigrant grandmas” and the sweepstakes obsession; cultural touchstone for the panel’s East Coast upbringing.

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Caught Playing Doctor with a Cousin (Story 5, 52:47–60:09)

• Story: “Got caught playing doctor with my third cousin by my grandparent before a family holiday dinner. He took it to his grave.”
• All eyes on Jay, infamous for stories about “close calls with cousins.”
• Big Jay Fesses Up: “Nobody put fingers in anything. Just looking at each other’s parts. My pop pop walked in… said nothing. Died with that info.” (59:55)
• Non-stop accusations from Josie: “How many cousin-f***ing stories do you have?” “We were just looking at each other’s stuff!” – Jay.
• Panel: “Classic pop pop move. Dinner in five!”

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The Christmas Floor Shit (Story 6, 65:37–74:53)

• Story: “My mother once took a shit on the floor during Christmas.”
• Everyone assumes it must be wild man Shaner, but he protests.
• Surprise! It’s Josie Marcelino: “My mom’s a blistering alcoholic... 110 pounds, all vodka, and laid out a footlong of human shit, just walking across the room. Tried to blame the 10-pound dog.” (73:56)
• Panel: “We all thought Shaner’s mom was the only one, but Josie’s mom was the champ.”
• Josie: “She never broke stride, didn’t grunt—a horse in the middle of walking.”
• Shaner, in defense: “My mom was the only sober person in my life!”

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Rockettes: The Sexual Awakening (Story 7, 76:31–85:49)

• Story: “Became sexually aroused for the first time watching the Rockettes on Thanksgiving morning, many moons ago.”
• Panel debates which “white guy with an old soul” would use ‘many moons ago’; much suspicion on Jay, then Luis, then Drew.
• Drew Montana: “I was like 8 or 9. Around the time I realized my Aunt Terry had huge tits. It was overload: Rockettes’ legs, big Aunt Terry boobs—all at once.” (85:06)

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Double Schizophrenic Christmas (Story 8, 87:40–95:26)

• Story: “One year at Christmas, we had two different paranoid schizophrenics at the table.”
• Heavy suspicion on Shaner for “crazy family,” but Josie and the panel psychoanalyze who really has the genes for this.
• Luis J. Gomez: “Uncle Raymond, paranoid schizophrenic, and my Aunt Adele’s daughter May—big, fat, paranoid schizophrenic bitch—they’d twitch, freak out, talk to themselves at the table. It was psychotic and depressing.” (94:38)

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Memorable Quotes

• Jay (on Josie’s Publisher’s Clearinghouse grandma): "My best guess is your grandmother’s a stupid Maryland idiot… I did a gig in Newport News, Virginia, and their family’s biggest photo was the day she met Ed McMahon." (35:40)
• Josie (caught flustered): “You have no idea who I am, is what I’m finding…”
• Luis, explaining his “family gathering with famous musicians”: “A couple months ago, I was at a gathering of the Juggalos. I consider Juggalos family.” (32:13)
• Drew (on the Christmas floor-shitting): “My mom’s a Christian. Stories are all long… My mom goes to church five times a week. The reincarnation.”
• Jay (on cousin ‘doctor’ play): “We were just looking at each other’s stuff… My pop pop walked up, paused, and just said, ‘Dinner in five minutes.’”
• Josie (on her mom’s floor shitting): “A full foot long, unbroken human shit. Never broke stride, never grunted, just kept walking. The dog was 10 pounds, the shit weighed more than the dog.” (73:56)

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Game Progress, Scores & Tension

By Story 6: Josie surges ahead, surprising the veterans.
Jay: Languishing in last despite “having so much fun.” (85:59)
“Double Points” Round kicks off after Story 4. Stakes ratchet up; anyone can still win.

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The Final Story Show-Down (97:40–106:44)

• Tied for 1st: Josie & Luis at 16 points each (after 8 stories).
• Tiebreaker: Both secretly wager points. A ninth story (by one of the other three panelists) is read. Both correctly guess it’s Shaner (“Mom threatened to shoot a man who bought an erotic cake and let her kid eat tit-shaped chicken.”) (99:12)
• Double Overtime: 10th story (“Grandma sneezed on the ham, ate it anyway")—both guess wrong, but Josie wagered less, clinching the win.

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Winner & Conclusion

Josie Marcelino Crowned Story Warrior!

• “Suck my dick. Couple points!” (107:06)
• Panel congratulates her, with Drew and Shaner vowing revenge next time.
• Jay, always a good sport: “I’m having so much fun I forgot I’m losing completely.”

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Closing Moments

• Quick plugs:
  • Drew Montana: Durag & the Deer Tag podcast.
  • Ryan Shaner: The End Podcast, World War Fun with Sydney Gantt, plus his novel Solomon.
  • Josie Marcelino: “No podcast yet, but follow me everywhere @ossiemarcelino.”
  • Jay & Luis: Upcoming shows, podcasts, and comedy specials.

Luis: “Guys, make sure you subscribe, use the code WAR, get yourself a couple bucks off your membership, and get a bunch of unreleased episodes that are not available anywhere else.” (49:13)

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Standout Audience Interactions & Moments

• Audience voting on story origins, especially for the Rockettes and Grandma Ham stories.
• The ever-lingering debate over blue-collar vs. "woods people" family customs.
• Multiple direct appeals for eye contact and trust, culminating in harmless betrayals and lots of laughter.

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Authentic and raucous: relentless teasing, no-holds-barred confessions, and camaraderie befitting both family gatherings and the comedy scene.
• Jay’s self-deprecating warmth
• Luis’s tough-love antagonism
• Panel’s genuine affection and unfiltered storytelling
• A festival of “Philly energy,” undercut by New York snark.

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Notable Timestamps

• [05:00] – Game rules breakdown
• [08:49] – Story 1 (Blackface Thanksgiving)
• [16:28] – Story 2 (Tripping Cousin at Funeral)
• [25:47] – Story 3 (Famous Musician / Juggalo Reveal)
• [34:43] – Story 4 (Publishers Clearinghouse Grandma)
• [52:47] – Story 5 (Doctor with Cousin)
• [65:37] – Story 6 (Christmas Floor Shit)
• [76:31] – Story 7 (Rockettes Sexual Awakening)
• [87:40] – Story 8 (Double Paranoid Schizophrenic Christmas)
• [97:40] – Story 9 (Bonus Overtime: Erotic Cake/Gun Threat)
• [102:43] – Story 10 (Bonus Overtime: Grandma Sneezes on Ham)

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The Final Word

A chaotic, side-splitting holiday edition where the shame of family traditions is outshone only by the joy of storytelling and merciless friendship.
Josie Marcelino takes home the "Think Like a Monk" prize—and eternal bragging rights as the newest Story Warrior.

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Transcript

[A]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree. Zoe, this thing weighs a ton.

[B]

Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man.

[C]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[A]

He's talking to you britches.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

Of course he did.

[B]

Right, Santa, you know my elf, Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list.

[D]

And elf, I'm six' three.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[B]

It as a gift.

[A]

And the best part, you can make.

[C]

The switch to T Mobile from your.

[A]

Phone in just 15 minutes. Nice. My side of the tree is slipping.

[E]

Kimber, the holidays are better.

[A]

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[E]

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[A]

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[D]

Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis.

[A]

Jake Omez. Yo, what is up, Philadelphia? Welcome to Story Wars. We're sold out. Wow.

[B]

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. This is our new tradition, the Thanksgiving eve. This is the Survivor Series of comedy. Story wars coming at you from Philadelphia.

[A]

We come through where the WWE does not. This is probably a dumb question here, but we ask it at every show. How many people here are unfamiliar with the game Story Wars? Right here.

[B]

Jay. That's not.

[A]

I did it backwards. I did it backwards.

[B]

That's not how.

[A]

I did it backwards.

[B]

That's not how we do it, you pothead.

[A]

Let me do it again. How many people here are familiar with the game of Story Wars? Now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

[A]

This guy. Piece of.

[B]

This guy. How'd you hear about the show, man? You came with this guy right here.

[A]

I promised you a good time. All right, dude, that was my favorite Philly accent so far today. Yeah, Tim Barley taught me how to play Bloodborne. That was a.

[E]

What up?

[B]

What did your friend tell you about the show.

[A]

It's gonna be awesome.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

I'll accept if you're unfamiliar with the game. It's your first time at home. We'll explain it as soon as we get our esteemed panel up here. Who do you wanna bring up first? Louis, give a little point for me.

[B]

Sure. Let's go. Our first performer coming to the panel and competing for the very first time. Never been on Story wars before. Hilarious comedian, regular on all the guest digital podcasts. Put your hands together for Josie Mar. Josie, welcome to Story Wars. Happy to have you on the show.

[C]

Thank you. Happy to be here.

[B]

Josie admitted in the back that she's a fan of Story wars and she watches the show, and we thought it's so gay that she would admit that.

[A]

Dweebus.

[C]

Yeah, you pussies are going the fuck down.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

We'll see.

[A]

We'll see. Our second contestant, you know him from the End podcast right here from Philadelphia. Show some love for your native boy. The great Ryan Shaner in the house.

[B]

And your last competitor, a former Story wars winner. A Story Warrior coming right at you actually holds the record for the highest score in regulation competition. Not in overtime, but in regulation. Ladies and gentlemen, from Durag and Dyrteg, put your hands together for Drew Montana. What a panel. Everyone's very excited, Jay. Let's let them know how this show works.

[A]

Well, if it is your first time watching here or listening at home, it's a very simple game. Story Wars. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Louis.

[B]

Family gatherings.

[A]

Ooh. Ooh. Alex, our lovely producer, is gonna take eight of those stories at random and read them one at a time. God damn it, Louis. God. Dude, when you give up, you just give the fuck up. Dude, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy.

[C]

Louis, there's a whole.

[A]

He'll just get you one.

[E]

Gonna have to change to Portly wars after this. Jesus Christ, dude. You fat shit.

[A]

You have to kill Louis to win your woman's respect back. Dude, that was crazy. Give me your sandwich, son. And you gave it back to him. That's nuts. Oh, I hated that.

[B]

It was delicious.

[A]

Alex, our lovely producer, is gonna take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time at random. We will see it here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make everybody think it's not your story. If it is not Your story. It's your job to guess whose story it is.

[B]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool somebody on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story that's on the screen, that is your biggest opportunity to get points. You can get four points in that moment once you write your answer on the dry erase board. Put your dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand. That is your final answer. You cannot change your answer after that. And I'll tell you right now, sir, you look like a fucking piece of shit. You look like a fat Philly scumbag. But let me tell you something, sir, you're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You're gonna have the most fun you've ever had in your entire life. But, sir, guess what? Guess what? We don't play for fun. J. Let' em know what we're playing for.

[A]

Every week here at Storywars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty. Published. Published in 2020 by Simon and Schuster. Think Like a Monk provides a framework for trading the anxious monkey mind for the purposeful monk mind. The first step is to let go of the external identities, values, and expectations imposed by society and media. Shetty draws on the years of monastic training to show how even ancient practices can help with modern anxiety and finding purpose. Think like A Monk, Jay Shetty. Someone gets to fucking steal that from us. I believe everybody who's gonna get it, gets it. And I think this crowd is probably ready for war. Hi, sinners. Philadelphia ready for fucking?

[B]

If you don't finish that, I'll have some more. It's really good.

[A]

Sir, if you give him another piece, you should just let him slap you in the face in front of your lady. Do not give him a fucking half. Don't be kind to your bully.

[B]

It's really good. I'll wait till you're done with it.

[A]

This guy's so nice. He's like Lewis Lost his father young. He doesn't know how to behave. Hey, man, have half my sandwich. Alex, without any further ado, story number one. Aw, that was so low.

[B]

Guys, more volume in the room on the.

[A]

Yo, that ain't shit.

[B]

Come on, Roots. Turn your music up.

[A]

Hey, Roots. What, are you guys not plugged in?

[B]

It's Roots Unplugged.

[A]

Oh, shit. Roots Unplugged in Philly. Straight acoustic set tonight. Sorry, boys. Let's try it again. Alexandra. Story number One?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Somebody woke up the roots. Lewis said they were lazy. I don't agree with shit like that.

[F]

Story number one, every year on Thanksgiving when I was growing up, at least two of my family members would have blackface on at the dinner table.

[B]

Stop this.

[D]

Shaner.

[A]

Drew. Yeah, I think Shaner.

[D]

This is Shaner for sure. This is either Shaner or Jay. This is old head shit. This is crazy.

[E]

Actually, it's just every dinner that I do this, so I see how it could be seen as such.

[A]

My family's pretty docile as far as anything like this would go. Blackface at the dinner table, isn't it? No. Unless this is like a wordplay thing.

[D]

What kind of work? What else could it mean?

[A]

It's technical blackface. They came right from work as like, underneath the car mechanic. What do you call that? Just a mechanic.

[B]

Mechanic, yeah.

[A]

Underneath the car mechanic. My dad left young.

[D]

I I Thanksgiving dinner at a coal mine every year.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Maybe coming out of a mine and you show up and it's like, well, it's blackface. But that's not what he meant to do. Yeah, that's what life is. Lewis, why don't you grab a couple of the mozzarella sticks, buddy? They're fucking good, actually.

[B]

Are those mozzarella sticks or are those chicken fingers? That's pizza. Whoa.

[E]

It's a pizza. Put on blackf. It is the way.

[A]

I know what you're gonna do. That's an old Lorenzo and Sons tradition.

[B]

I mean, I feel like there has to be more to this story than simply people putting on blackface at the dinner.

[A]

No, I think it's people who think they're being hilarious, and they are kinda very funny. But Drew's, like, up in. I don't know if I don't feel this energy coming from Syracuse.

[C]

He's from the woods. This is wood people shit.

[A]

You think Drew for sure.

[D]

It's absolutely. I guess.

[C]

Really? Drew's basically one step away from doing blackface right now. Look at him.

[D]

Yeah, I'm doing black voice. That's different.

[E]

Yeah, it's Audio Blackface from Drew Montana.

[A]

Audio Black.

[E]

It's Audio Blackface.

[D]

That's my rapper name.

[E]

If you close your eyes, you can hear the roots. It's pretty wild.

[D]

Audio Blackface was my first mixtape that.

[A]

Really? Dude, that should be a rapper's name for sure.

[D]

I mean, Josie's Italian as hell. Could be her. I think it's Shaner.

[E]

I mean, it all. I mean, every finger points to me. That's.

[C]

You're the only other Shannon, is your family.

[B]

Hilarious.

[E]

I mean, they do enjoy a good black face every now and again.

[B]

It's fun.

[E]

I can't. I can't.

[A]

Whose family?

[E]

Don't, bro. I'm just saying, you know, it's the perfect tradition for like, you know, going to, you know, small claims court. Fucking works Thanksgiving, works Easter, blackest face ever. It's pretty fucking good. I get. While you're seeing me. But I.

[F]

It's.

[E]

I'm gonna tell you guys right now, it's not me.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

It's true. Or shaner and bye. But Josie wrote down really fast. So it could be fucking Josie.

[E]

Yeah, I also think it might be Josie.

[C]

No, I just.

[D]

Racist Italian dad. This could be her.

[B]

I think actually somebody nailed it. I think this is somebody who works in like, like a. Like a job where you would get like dirt or oil on your face. Josie, would you have a blue collar family?

[C]

Kind of. But my dad works it, so not really.

[E]

That's the blackest face of all.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But it says at least two family members, so it could be anybody.

[A]

Yeah, that means like once in a while it would be three or four and sometimes just one.

[E]

It's a baker's dozen of blackface showing up.

[C]

How many people this year?

[A]

Everybody did it. They saw a big. It was a hit last year.

[C]

How big are your families?

[D]

Dude, we only have like five people at my Thanksgivings. We have small Thanksgiving dinners. So it'd be crazy if two out of the five of us.

[A]

At least two with a five. Maybe three or four, which would be disturbing for the one. Not now. You're the asshole.

[B]

80%. 80% of the Montana family showed up in blackface.

[A]

Now I'm thinking Josie wrote so quick.

[E]

She did.

[C]

Yeah. But now I'm second guessing.

[B]

Yeah, I think Josie. Josie admitted before that she's a loser who watches this show week in, week out.

[C]

I'm sorry. I listen to my friends. Louis.

[B]

She's playing the game right now. And I think this is what she. What she's doing is there's like more to this story.

[C]

I promise you it's not this I'm giving.

[B]

This is Josie. This is her trying to play of the game.

[C]

It's not. It's not.

[D]

Something.

[A]

It's very shit panicking.

[B]

Josie's about to say.

[E]

I also think it's me.

[A]

It's Josie's panicking way hard panicking because.

[C]

Drew pitched a perfect game.

[B]

Josie's about to start crying. Why are you freaking out, Josie?

[C]

Because I want to win. Lewis, this is not me. But I don't want Drew to get.

[B]

Everyone's voting for Josie.

[C]

Everybody voting for Josie.

[B]

Josie. They're all voting for you because of the way you're acting.

[C]

Crazy.

[A]

Look at you. You're wrestling with your Fucking. With your fucking marble.

[C]

This isn't me. All right, fine. I. You know what I want to say, Drew, but I'm going.

[A]

Shayna. Shit. Shaner's writing last, though.

[D]

Ah, fuck.

[E]

The more you guys talk, the more I do think it's me. It's fucking what? It's like everything you're saying. I'm like, that looks like something I could have done.

[C]

Shaner, look at me. Is this you?

[A]

Oh, what a daffodil.

[E]

I'm just saying, like, it is not.

[A]

Me, but it probably should be you.

[E]

It should be. I want it to be me.

[C]

You lie to me every fucking time. We're on a podcast together, and I keep falling for it.

[A]

Josie's trying to hang on the last.

[C]

I promise you, it's not me.

[A]

Oh. Oh.

[C]

I'm gonna say Drew, just. I'm gonna go with my gut.

[A]

Josie's happy. She just got up.

[C]

I promise you.

[A]

This wasn't a point.

[C]

I didn't get a point. Well, maybe if I. If Drew. All right, we're in. It wasn't me. It wasn't me.

[A]

Josie's back. As large goes. Alex.

[D]

Alex, lock us in.

[E]

We're in.

[A]

We're all in. Everyone's locked in. Go.

[C]

I want to be proven right now. What the.

[B]

Josie's having a full fledged meltdown. Alex. Alex. Crash answers are in.

[F]

Story number one belongs to Drew Montana.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

My family's hilarious. What can I say?

[B]

There's comfort.

[A]

Funny.

[B]

There's no more to this. They were literally just.

[D]

Obviously, there's more to it.

[E]

Yeah, no, there's no more to it.

[D]

No, my. My dad and all my uncles hunted every Thanksgiving morning.

[E]

What did they hunt?

[D]

Deer. They would go.

[E]

What were they out there hunting? Were they like.

[A]

Just put it on right in. Yeah.

[E]

Where were they?

[A]

They were hunting black protesters.

[D]

They were. They hunted deer every Thanksgiving morning, and they would. They would put on the full, like, camo blackface shit and cover themselves in deer piss, and then they'd go out and kill a deer, and then they'd come back and eat Thanksgiving dinner before washing the black face off. And I thought it was funny, but it is great. It was unique, I'll say that.

[E]

I like it.

[B]

Alex, one story down. Where our points at?

[F]

All right. Tied for the lead with two points each. Josie Marcelino, Ryan Shaner.

[C]

Let's fucking go.

[F]

And Drew Montana sub balls.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Me and you suck. Shit on that one, dude. It's all right, Alex. It's. The game's young.

[B]

It's our holiday, Alex.

[A]

Story number two.

[F]

Story number two. During my grandfather's funeral, my cousin, who was very clearly tripping, grabbed my dad's shoulder during a silent prayer and said, if he sits up out of that coffin, I'm gonna shit my pan. He wasn't allowed to come to the burial.

[A]

Here goes Josie writing fast again.

[C]

I'm ready.

[B]

You're writing Shaner very quickly. Why?

[C]

Because this reads exactly like how Shaner talks.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Every other sentence of his has somebody.

[D]

Shitting their pants and dying. Shaner's whole thing is people shitting and dying.

[C]

Yeah. You're just.

[E]

First off, it takes a long time to cultivate that sort of attitude towards people. Shitting and dying is, like, a long thing to get to, dude.

[C]

You manifest it all the time, and I love that for you.

[E]

I don't even know what that means. Shut up.

[D]

I still don't know what the story is.

[B]

I know this.

[D]

What's happening.

[E]

Yeah, that's where I'm confused.

[B]

This is not Big J. This is just not his type of family.

[C]

I don't think you have a grandfather.

[B]

Me?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

That's racist.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

No, no, Josie. I had two grandfathers. One of them had a funeral where my cousin was tripping on whatever.

[A]

No, you don't know your grandfather.

[C]

I don't think you have cousins either.

[A]

Your father was stabbed when you were young. Your grandfathers must have been stabbed way before that.

[B]

My grandfather was stabbed in 1745.

[A]

Yeah. My grandfather was stabbed in Nam. My great grandfather was stabbed in Korea.

[B]

I come from a long line of Puerto Ricans that were stabbed to death.

[A]

My dad's the only stepped outside of a strip club.

[B]

His dad stabbed, was stabbed Nam, Korea.

[A]

And outside of a strip club.

[B]

Nam. Nam. Nam Ali. Ali couldn't do the show today. Fuck Nam. Ali couldn't do this show tonight.

[D]

It worked. It bombed the first time. Louis, we heard you.

[A]

Shut up.

[E]

It was just as successful as Vietnam.

[A]

Yeah, it was. The microphones are working.

[B]

I mean, look, I hate. I hate to say it. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm rooting against Josie on today's show. I don't want to. I don't want to agree with her.

[A]

I do very much agree with her, I think.

[B]

But I kind of agree with her. I think she did kind of Nail Shaner.

[C]

Lewis hates me, so that's not true.

[B]

Crazy Josie, we talked about this. Me and Jay talked about this today. I literally love you, but it's still, I want you to fail.

[A]

I don't know why he hates you, but he, like, loves you. He said these words to me in a hotel room. He goes, no, I love Josie. I hate him.

[D]

Shaner. Writing Lewis lets me know it's him. Because that's a dumb answer. It's either one of these two. It's Shaner.

[A]

Yeah, you thought Louis Shaner. That is definitely.

[C]

That's saner for sure.

[A]

That's an ins.

[E]

I didn't know that was like the obvious answer.

[A]

Well, no one. You panicked and wrote Lewis's s like kiss.

[E]

Ss first off, that's not Kiss, dude. That's Slayer.

[A]

Shut the back up. You got me.

[E]

Slayer.

[A]

Dude, ever.

[D]

Third Reich ass. What is this?

[E]

The black face was a thing, dude.

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in story number two.

[F]

Belongs to Ryan Shaner.

[E]

Of course it does. God damn it.

[B]

Shaner. Got no points there. Tell us the story, though.

[E]

So my. I was coming off of Back to back DUIs and my grandpa died.

[A]

Back to back.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Back to back.

[A]

What does that mean? Like weeks apart?

[E]

No, no, I got him in one week. One calendar weeks.

[A]

Both were seven day. Seven day stretch.

[E]

Both were collisions. One was a house. It was pretty fucking sick.

[A]

Okay, you know what? That is sick.

[E]

It is pretty sick.

[D]

That hadn't been done since the Lakers did it in 01.

[E]

I was a drunk dynasty in 05, dude. But my pop up died. And we had. We had like a funeral for him. And when I got there, it was. My dad was an only child, so there was a bunch of people on his side of the family that I never really, like, met or hung out with. And my cousin, my second cousin Robbie is shit faced at the funeral, like, just so very clearly dripping. His eyes are the size of dinner plates. And he's like, like staring at plants really, really long. And I'm like, man, that guy's fucked up. And he's sitting behind me and my dad, My dad is like sobbing as this preacher's like, going over, like this bullshit eulogy.

[B]

This is your father's father?

[E]

Yeah, my dad's dad. So my dad's like, just. And I have my hand on his shoulder. And then I feel this hand go over my hand. And I turn around and Robbie. And he leans in between. My dad's head is down just like, God damn it. And he's like, yo, if he sits up out of that coffin.

[D]

I am.

[E]

Gonna shit in my motherfucking pants. And then he just goes back and says nothing else the whole time.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

And my dad is like trying to cry, but he's like, what are you talking about, Robbie? So then everything goes on. And dude, the whole time people are like, you know, glad handing everyone. You can hear Robbie like, yo, man, I swear to God, if he sits up in that coffin, I'm gonna do something about it.

[A]

I'm fucking.

[E]

I'm gonna shit in my pants, but I'm gonna do something. And then he was asked to leave and he got pissed off because he just sat in his car because he couldn't drive because he was too fucked up. So as everyone was leaving, he's like, don't let him sit up.

[A]

Back to hell, Satan spawn.

[E]

It was pretty wild, but good dude. Piece of good dude, though.

[B]

Ryan Shannon. Ryan Shannon got no points there. But Alex let us know our scores.

[E]

That sucks.

[F]

All right, tied with two points each. Lewis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson and Ryan Shaner.

[B]

Head Hand turkeys on Thanksgiving are extra special.

[A]

They're a little extra special. Look.

[B]

Oh, dude. Are we adding that layer to our hand turkey? We are true and tied for the.

[F]

Lead with four points each. Josie Marcelino and Drew Montana.

[A]

Yeah, it's early. I don't give a fuck. It's early. I don't give a fuck. Thank you.

[B]

Okay, let's take a quick moment to thank Ridge Wallet for supporting the show. We love Ridge. They make slim modern wallets made with premium materials like aluminum, titanium leather and carbon fiber. And you can add your own custom features like cash strap or airtag attachments. The best wallet you're ever going to have. The last wallet you're ever going to have. Because they have a 99 day risk free trial and a lifetime warranty. Jay, I look the reality.

[A]

You don't.

[B]

You can't attach your chain to it, but you don't have your chain attached to your wallet anyway. A lot of people think that that's not the truth.

[A]

Wallet is inconsequential to this and it doesn't matter even if I didn't. They also have key cases, suitcases, portable chargers, all top of the line stuff. Ridge Wallet this Christmas really saved my ass in many, many ways. There's a couple people I was having a hard time figuring. I was like, oh, perfect. Ridge Wallet. And it really is, it's fantastic. Best wallet on the get. Look at any of the the sites that give you like the best wallets. On the market, Ridge is always top of the list. Always up there.

[B]

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[A]

Ridge.com let's take a second real quick and thank our sponsor for today's show. And that is AG1, which combines your multivitamin, prebiotics, probiotics and antioxidants into one simple green scoop. Absolutely amazing. Comes in four great flavors. Citrus, berry, tropical and AG one's original flavor. And it's very simple. You scoop it, you add it to 8 to 12 ounces of water, you mix it up and you are good to go.

[B]

It really is great, dude. Gut health is a huge thing. Especially as I'm getting older. You constantly hear about your gut health and about how that's like the root, root of everything, right? Like all these problems come directly from the guts. You want to make sure you have great gut health and AG1 has you covered. They have over 50,000 verified five star reviews, which is incredible. And the it comes with a 90 day money back guarantee. So go to drink ag1.com wars w a r z drink ag1.com wars to get their best offer today and for a limited time only, get a free AG1 duffel bag and free AG1 welcome kit with your first subscription order while supplies last. That is drink ag1.com warswithaz all right, where were we? Alex? Story number three.

[F]

Story number three. Recently I was at a family gathering that was also attended by a famous musician.

[A]

Dude, this is Josie. Name drop.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna say it's you. Why would I have a famous musician at my Thanksgiving?

[D]

Because Josie likes to brag.

[A]

Dude.

[D]

Josie's a big flexer. This is girl stuff, dude. Being like, I'm at a famous flexer.

[A]

No, I agree.

[E]

This is one of 17 stories that she posts.

[C]

No.

[D]

This reads like your Instagram stories.

[C]

First of all, I never drop the famous musicians that I hang out with.

[B]

Oh, you just did it now in a weird way. Oh, that stunk. We all hate it. Everyone hates it.

[D]

Yeah, and she didn't drop him there either.

[A]

Josie talked me out of just. I wrote Your name already.

[C]

I think it's you.

[A]

I wrote your name in calligraphy.

[C]

Is that what you think calligraphy is?

[A]

I did a little thing.

[D]

I will say, the only. The only saving grace here for Josie is I think Jay might be a member of Slipknot. So I think Jay is in Slipknot.

[A]

So is this more calligraphy? Is that better?

[C]

It also seems like you would, like. You would brag about this. This should be a cool thing for you.

[B]

I mean, absolutely. I do 150 podcasts a week. You would know. If I had a famous musician, Bragg.

[A]

Lewis would be like, oh, yeah, Remember when I fucking went to that wedding with Kid Rock?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I never know what Lewis's definition of famous musician is, because all year leading up to Skank Fest, Lewis was telling me this. The secret music guest is gonna blow your socks off. And it was Hate Breed, who works for Gas Digital. It was. And no. No offense to Hate Breed. They're cool, but you have his W9 already. It's like, what are you talking about? He's like, you'll be so surprised.

[E]

I'm like, you work Cape.

[A]

Breed works for Cast Digital. That guy works for you, dude.

[D]

He's like, I knew he was gonna be there, but I thought it was gonna be Limp Bizkit or something.

[E]

Blow your mind.

[A]

He goes, yeah, you're gonna be hilarious.

[D]

You're gonna be so pumped about the music guest.

[A]

You can't believe it. Your guy works for the network, dude.

[B]

Hate Breed cuts clips for Shannon's. The thing is.

[E]

You got Josta working overtime.

[B]

Like, I can't believe this shit.

[A]

Let me tell you something, Drew. Let me tell you who felt the opposite of that, because I watched from stage into the audience. Ryan Shaner couldn't have been more stoked that fucking Hate Breed came to rock the house at Skank Fest.

[E]

I was losing my f. You know what?

[A]

He knew every word away. He was. You were yelling every word of every song. I was. It was dope.

[E]

I was trying to knock people so hard on their ass, so.

[F]

In time.

[B]

All right, so here's the deal, right? Josie. Everyone's making me feel like it's Josie, but I. I'm trying to rack my brain. Jay has had musicians at family gatherings.

[C]

Oh, then it's him.

[A]

What? Name one.

[B]

I'm. I'm. I'm sure that you've been. You've been friends with a lot of musicians for a long time. I'm sure you've had one.

[D]

You guys are also both Juggalos, and you consider that family true.

[A]

Violin J came to my house barbecue.

[E]

That was very astute.

[D]

Yeah, I think about you guys both recently.

[C]

You went to the gathering.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

You went to the gathering.

[A]

It says, oh, family gathering is a. Oh, it's Lewis. Wait a minute.

[B]

It's you. Smart.

[A]

I thought about doing this exact thing at one point.

[E]

Wow, those guys are retarded.

[B]

Oh, dude.

[E]

If this is the Juggalos, wow.

[D]

I want to say Josie, but if this is the Juggalos. You guys are so good. You gu so gay.

[A]

If it's the job. Tell you something, just because I really wanted to take it away. This might be a brilliant idea Lewis had and use gathering of the family. The whole. This might be Lewis playing now it's you. If you say me, dude, you're gonna give Lewis points.

[B]

I didn't think it was James.

[E]

Say that.

[A]

I mean that. Jay, look at me. Shaner, I think you're the sweetest dude. I have no reason. Listen, if I lie to you right now, we're not friends. Look at me. It's not.

[B]

Don't do this to me.

[A]

Drew.

[B]

That's the move. Drew.

[A]

Drew.

[B]

It's a waste. Drew, it's a waste.

[A]

Look at me. Drew, look at me. We're bet. No, Drew, look at me. Are we best friends after this? If it's. If it's not me. If it's not me, I don't know if it's loose.

[B]

You can't take your hand off. You hit it.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You can't change it. You can't change it.

[A]

But if it's not me, then we.

[D]

Better be best friends.

[A]

Actually, we're best friends. Call me every day.

[B]

Big J's doing. Oh. Who'd you vote for? Big J's doing a whole song on dance. It's Big J.

[A]

He's doing the move. These. Oh, it's good. Louis. Oh, fuck. Shaner, you just gave him two. Josie. Oh, you fuck. I'm gonna be Drew's best friend.

[E]

Nobody wants that. But you gotta do it. I do.

[A]

No, you don't.

[E]

You want Audio Blackface as your best friend.

[A]

Yes, I do. Dude, I make beats. I make beats. Josie, you're fucking up huge. Who do you believe?

[B]

Sweating.

[A]

I'm very sweating. For sure. Josie. Who do you believe?

[C]

Lewis to win?

[A]

Who do you think?

[C]

It's you. I think it's you.

[A]

Who do you believe more? It's not me, Lewis. You think? Is it you?

[B]

It's not me. I'm not positive.

[C]

But I don't know.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

You're both liars. This Is crazy.

[B]

Let me say this. Hold on. I didn't vote for Jay because of the gathering at Juggalos angle. I voted for Jay because I think he's had a musician at his place for gathering.

[A]

He doesn't. He knows. Not true. I would say he would have known that. I would have named that. I think I know that you're wrong.

[C]

I feel like I've heard this story too, though.

[D]

Bro, I'm telling you, if this is the Juggalos, it's so gay, it's crazy.

[A]

It might be gay.

[B]

If it's the Juggalos, it's gay as fuck.

[C]

Jay, if this is you, I swear to God.

[B]

Josie, no. Josie. Josie, you're just.

[A]

Why does he care so much?

[C]

Why do you care so much if.

[D]

You'Re lying to me?

[B]

No, Josie. Josie, no. No.

[A]

Got it. Alex.

[C]

Oh, you.

[A]

Jay, no. Alex.

[F]

Story number three belongs to Lewis.

[D]

It was the Juggalos.

[B]

A couple months ago, I was at a gathering of the Juggalos. And I consider the Juggalos family.

[E]

That was excellent wordplay. Word edification.

[B]

And there was many famous musicians at this family gathering. I had Tech9 in mind, but yeah, that's exactly. God damn you, Drew, you piece of shit. You ruined it. I almost. It was gonna be so perfectly played, but Drew fucking Montana fucked me in my ass.

[A]

Dude, you nailed.

[D]

Dude, at the last second, I thought Juggalos, right?

[A]

And you nailed it. And I fucked up.

[B]

Alan. Alex, where are our points at?

[F]

All right. Tied for fourth place with two points each, Big J Okerson and Ryan Shaner.

[A]

Fuck.

[E]

I know. I should have believed you.

[F]

In third place with four points, Luis J. Gomez. And tied for first place with six points each, Josie Marcelino and Drew Montana.

[A]

Suck balls, Alex. First of all, Shaner, get your head back in the game. As much as I have to as well, one of us is taking home Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty. The book is structured around teaching readers how to let go of negativity, sharpen focus, and understand their own mind. Shetty reframes fear not as a paralyzing obstacle, but as a signal to be examined and mastered. The cure for fear lies in detachment, ensuring that external circumstances do not have control over your inner emotional state.

[B]

Think like a monk. Think like a monk.

[A]

Jay Shetty's best work.

[D]

I thought he was doing a crater mad till halfway through that.

[A]

It's not. Not a crater mad. Alex, you fuck. Story number four.

[F]

Story number four. My grandmother used to skip out on major holidays because she, quote, had to be home when Publishers Clearinghouse Arrived with her check.

[A]

Come on, dude. This is definitely Josie.

[C]

What's.

[D]

What's. Publisher's Clearinghouse.

[A]

It was a sweep.

[B]

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wow. Wait a minute.

[A]

Go.

[D]

I promise.

[B]

You know what the Publisher's Clearinghouse is?

[D]

I'm from the woods. It's not me.

[A]

It's. It was a sweepstakes. You mail it. You mail Pat McJack.

[B]

No, it wasn't Pat Mc.

[A]

No, it's Ed McMahon.

[B]

Ed McMahon.

[A]

Ed McMahon would show up with a gigantic trout van.

[E]

It's called the Prize Patrol.

[C]

It sounds like old guy shit.

[D]

Yeah, we never got that.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, I know what it is. Dude, shut up.

[A]

Why do you.

[D]

Why do you think it's Josie?

[C]

Yeah, why do you think it's Josie?

[A]

She a dumb, stupid Maryland grandmother. Your grandmother's probably a stupid, dumb man.

[B]

I'm assuming that you're from a long line of stupid.

[A]

Yeah. My best guess is your grandmother's a stupid Maryland idiot. And believe that Ed McMahon was gonna show up at her place because of my grandmother. I'll tell you something. I did a gig one time in Newport News, Virginia, that same stupid part of the country. And that lady's biggest picture in her family pictures was the day she met Ed McMahon. So I know how much it means to those motherfuckers.

[C]

Both of my grandmothers were immigrants.

[E]

Josie. How.

[C]

I don't know what this means.

[A]

Yes, immigrants think they should get money for free. It's Josie.

[C]

If you.

[A]

Fuck off.

[E]

Oh, no.

[A]

I don't give. Dude. Dude, I don't give a shit.

[B]

Dude.

[C]

You keep.

[A]

Just so you guys know.

[C]

And you're never gonna get points.

[E]

Also, Josie, how old are you?

[C]

30.

[E]

She doesn't know.

[A]

That's what I'm saying, that she doesn't know what?

[B]

31.

[D]

And I don't know what it is.

[E]

That's what I'm saying.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

I've known you since it was 20 something. Ew. You didn't tell me that. Why didn't you tell me?

[B]

All right, so here's the thing. I was getting a Josie vibe as well, but I feel like Jay's being a little bit performative. Jay is from the generation I.

[A]

Walking to a hotel. So I drank a little. Loose. Dude, it's the best. It's the biggest going out night of the year.

[C]

Yeah, but I don't think that Jay's.

[B]

From a generation where his. I mean, I remember publishers.

[A]

A generation. Yes. I don't think I remember the VHS tape.

[B]

Drew, how old are you?

[D]

I'm 31. I don't know what this is?

[B]

How old are you?

[E]

Yeah, how old am I? Mayor's old.

[A]

I'm 41. Dude. It was called West Coast Studio. You'd go there.

[B]

I think Drew and Josie. I don't think they have Publishers clearing out, I promise.

[C]

I've never heard of.

[B]

Is it still out?

[A]

It's still around, but it's not as.

[E]

But it's not as predominant as it used to be.

[B]

The mail was a big thing. It's not online. I'm not seeing any. I see no reels about Publishers Clearinghouse.

[D]

My family had Internet. You talking about cavemen?

[A]

We didn't.

[D]

I don't know what this is.

[A]

I met a guy in Nashville once, though, that drove up in a Lamborghini that had a bunch of advertisements on it. And I go, this thing's beautiful. He goes, I wanted a sweepstakes. And he genuinely like, it happened. I met the one guy who they showed up with his fucking lane. He won and they gave him a L. It is a insurance nightmare.

[D]

Can I tell you the funny. So you know Mr. Beast?

[A]

Sure.

[D]

So Crack Amico hates Mr. Beast. I love Crack Amico. But Crack, dude, this isn't like seven years ago or like eight years ago when Mr. Beast was, like, before he popped Krak. Amico was living with his roommate at the time. They'd been, like, best friends for years. And Crack found out that his roommate or his best friend had had sex with Crack's girlfriend. Like, his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend. So they got in a fist fight, and then they had to stop fighting because Crack was gonna be late to go deliver pizzas at Domino's. This is the funniest shit ever. So they stop fighting. And then like an hour later, Crack's friend calls him and he goes, yo, did you see what just happened to whatever his name is your boy? He goes, now what? He goes, he just won a Lamborghini on Mr. Beast livestream. This is an hour after he had just fist fought him for his girl. He's like, I hope this guy dies. And then he wins a Lamborghini.

[E]

That's sick, dude.

[A]

Crack was staying Crack. One of the Lamborghini.

[D]

Crack was staying on my couch the one night we're just watching dumb YouTube videos. And I was like, yo, you see this guy, Mr. Beast? And I saw the demons go in his eyes because I fucking hate Mr.

[C]

Beast.

[B]

That is a fucking hilarious story and a great distraction.

[A]

Yeah, maybe.

[B]

Because I know that this is Drew Montana right now trying to play the game right now.

[A]

Good guess.

[B]

I Don't know what Publisher's Clearinghouse is. I'm in the woods. Shut up, Drew.

[A]

Jay.

[B]

It's either.

[D]

I'll go. Jay.

[C]

Now I feel like it's true.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I promise you it's not.

[A]

Ah, fuck. I guess Josie.

[C]

But it could be.

[A]

Eventually it's gonna be Josie, though.

[C]

It could be you. Because you guess so quickly based on nothing. And you know so much about the Publisher's Clearinghouse, but, like, you had an involved.

[A]

I know that Ed McMahon brought you a giant check. So does everybody fucking HEAR who's over 30?

[C]

This could also be you.

[E]

Who remembers Ed McMahon on the envelope?

[A]

Josie, you don't get that, dude. Josie, you don't understand that. You're still in your 20s.

[E]

You don't get it. You're a dumb child.

[B]

My.

[C]

Off, Jay.

[A]

How old are you again?

[C]

Off, Jay.

[A]

30.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Ew. Ew. Remember I threw that drink on you earlier? I meant that. Disgusting. Switch seats. Switch seats.

[B]

I. I don't. I don't.

[A]

All right, I'll do it. I'll grin and bear it.

[D]

I don't know what it is. I think it's.

[C]

I feel like it's. It's either Shane or Jay. It might be Drew.

[A]

Oh, Shane. Look at me again, buddy.

[E]

Dude, do we have to do this every time?

[A]

Yeah. Buddy, look at me.

[E]

Can you play some cool music?

[A]

Buddy, look at me. Look at me. My grandmother died two years ago. Anybody here who knows me, who's ever heard my stories about my grand. The only grandmother I knew. She didn't skip at ma mom. She didn't skip out.

[D]

Jade's a fucking fraud, dude.

[A]

She didn't skip out on holidays for no fucking Publishers Clearing. She wasn't waiting to get rich. She got some money because my grandfather died from cancer. He got.

[E]

Was your grandfather's name Ed?

[A]

Robert.

[C]

Your grandpa didn't have cancer. He had mesothelioma. So I think it's you.

[A]

All right. Can I tell you something? He got asbestosis. They called it at the time asbestosis. Shaner, buddy.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Is that Mexican?

[A]

Oh, dude. Drew, who did you say it's Mexican asbestos.

[E]

You don't have a nice tall, frosty asbestosis.

[A]

Drew, you're so happy, you fuck. Yes, it is, dude. You're so happy. Look at Lewis.

[B]

He's the only one.

[D]

Dude, I promise you it's not. I'm bummed because I think it's Josie.

[C]

It's not me.

[D]

Well, then it's Jay and not me thing in and we can stay tied.

[B]

Look at Me.

[A]

Look at me. You already voted.

[D]

Josie, it's me.

[A]

Ah, shit.

[F]

It is.

[A]

I think.

[C]

I feel like it's.

[A]

That's a smart move, but I think it is.

[C]

I don't know. I don't know.

[E]

The mind games here are crazy.

[D]

Josie, it's me. Go ahead and fuck yourself.

[A]

Here.

[D]

I would never. I would never lie to you.

[C]

Josie, that's not true. You've lied so many times. Times.

[D]

No, I'm done. I'm done with that.

[E]

Can anybody in this room say they haven't lied to Josie?

[C]

Everyone's lied to me.

[A]

You've all lied to me.

[E]

Everyone in this room has done it.

[C]

Go ahead.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

Who did you say?

[A]

Hey, don't look me. He said me. This is me.

[C]

I feel like it could be Shaner, too.

[E]

Did I lie to you?

[C]

Yes. Historically, it's all been lied.

[A]

I don't think it's Lewis, but I think Lewis guessed right.

[C]

I don't think it's Lewis.

[A]

I think I guess wrong.

[C]

Jay. You know what? I'm gonna vote Shaner because nobody else.

[A]

If you're doing all this hoo ha and it's you, it's not me.

[B]

It's pointless. If you did for no reason at the end, it's pointless.

[D]

This is girl stuff. She's wasting time. It's her.

[E]

We're ready to go already. You done yet? You done yet?

[D]

I'm in the car yet.

[E]

You done yet?

[D]

The car is warm.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

All right, let's go.

[A]

Josie. You're wasting a vote. Josie.

[D]

Pick J. I picked Jay.

[B]

Jeez. Across the board.

[D]

It really wasn't me. It was Jay.

[F]

Wow. Everybody, story number four belongs to Louis Gomez.

[A]

You lie or you said you didn't have a grandmother? Yeah, I thought your grandmother got stabbed when you were 2.

[C]

You have a grandmother?

[A]

What the fuck?

[B]

My grandma Jane, my mom's mom, she had my mom when she was 15. My grandma Jane was like, 50. She was such a young grandma for like 46 or something younger. She was young as fuck. So, yeah, she would just not show up all the time. We'd be waiting to have Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas, and she would be home waiting for Ed McMahon to show up with her publisher. Clearing House Winnings. She was the same woman who was selling, like, pharmaceutical drugs to everyone in her neighborhood. Neighborhood in Patterson, New Jersey. She ruled. We called her Grandma Candy.

[C]

You're the only person that has a grandma with a stripper name. That's crazy.

[A]

No, that's a drug name.

[E]

No, I had a grandma Oasis. So shut the fuck up. Why don't you shut the up on.

[A]

Your way to the Philadelphia airport.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Juggie, Grandma. Oasis. It was pretty, pretty good.

[B]

Alex, four stories down. Where are our points at that?

[F]

All right, tied for fourth place with two points each, Big J Okerson and Ryan Shaner.

[E]

Thank you, everyone.

[A]

Reading.

[F]

Tied for second place with six points each, Josie Marcelino and Drew Montana.

[A]

Josie, I told you, right? Remember? Remember?

[F]

And in the lead with eight points, Lewis Jazz Shaner.

[A]

Remember I told you. I told you to your face.

[B]

I will not lose in Philadelphia. This is my town, bitches.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. By the way, only piece of shit not from Philadelphia on this fucking thing.

[B]

That's right. I'm going to take.

[A]

And you guys believe that he sent you my way.

[E]

I'll never trust a Puerto Rican ever again.

[A]

Not one from the barrio.

[B]

Halfway through the show. Drew Montana, what are you plugging my.

[D]

Friend Durag and the Deer Tag podcast. Check that out.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

When's this come out? I don't know.

[A]

Probably some point.

[D]

Yeah. So if anyone in here is around December 6th, I'm doing a live digital Bazooka, the Prank Call show here at 4:30. And then we got some headlining stuff coming up just out on the road, so. Drumontana, check it out.

[A]

Thank you, Mr. Shaner.

[E]

You can find me on the End podcast, wherever you get your podcast. Also, World War Fun with Sydney Gantt. That's been fucking ripping. I also wrote a book called Solomon. If you guys want to check it out, the link will be in the description. I know, it's great. I actually wrote a book. We're actually doing a show here. A novel. A novel?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fiction book.

[E]

It's a fiction book. It's a fiction book. A lot of the, like, kind of like all the fiction you've been spitting at me the whole.

[A]

Nice. How many. I've told you the truth several times. You didn't believe me, but December 8th, yeah.

[E]

If you check it out, we'll be here at helium Dec 8 at 7:30 promoting Solomon.

[B]

Check that out.

[E]

Please get on it. Thank you guys. Appreciate you.

[A]

All right, Josephine.

[C]

I don't have a podcast yet, but maybe I will when this airs. You can follow me osiemarcelino on everything. And I'll probably be opening up for these two dudes that hate me at some point in this year.

[A]

Louis hates you.

[B]

I love to hate you.

[A]

He love hating. Bigj. Comedy.com for all my dates. I'm all over the place. Look for a Senior U. It never ends, everybody. Peter, what is this?

[B]

Just my daily text message from Tony Yayo for no reason.

[A]

Tony Yayo stays in touch with Lewis.

[B]

He loves me.

[A]

He said, hey fam, say write this, dude. Write this. What up? But like no apostrophe s. What up? Oh yeah, do two Ds maybe. No, no, no, no. Okay, all right, all right.

[D]

Ask him if audio blackface is hard.

[A]

Thanksgiving hand turkey. This show is so stupid. Bigjcobby.com for all my dates. Listen to the bonfire five days a week. Faction talk, Sirius XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course Crackle cr. And of course the flagship show over here at Gas Digital, the Legion of Skanks. Fresh off Skank fest and also 800 pound gorilla. Just picked up my double special. So that's available now. If you want to watch it again, give it more views it them day. I'll do material special this year, Mavis. 2020 26.

[B]

Come see me on the road, guys. Go to my website, louisofscanks.com I'm going everywhere in 2026. New Year's Eve. Me and Zach Amico are doing a real ass podcast live in Columbus, Ohio. We're doing a stand up show at 7 o' clock and then a Countdown Live podcast at 10 o' clock where we will count down till midnight. Lots of other stuff coming up as well. Check out all the other podcasts that I do. The regs, Legion of Skanks. And now returning to the Gas Digital network work Real ass podcast every Monday. Every Monday at 4 o'. Clock.

[A]

They tried to bury it. They tried to get rid of it.

[B]

They tried, they tried to get rid of studios but I, I couldn't stay away from Zach Amico. So check that out. Subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love this show, you should know we do an uncensored and ad free version of this show that comes out every Monday night on Gas digital dot com. There's an on demand library.

[A]

There's so many N words in this show, dude, it's crazy.

[B]

Derek Gaines, Dave Temple, that's it. That's all.

[E]

Honorary N word.

[B]

Yeah. Guys, make sure you subscribe, use the promo code WAR and get yourself a couple bucks off your membership and save a couple bucks and support the show directly. Get a bunch of unreleased episodes that are not available anywhere else and yeah, that's that. All right, Warz. Thank you.

[D]

Sarah, get that guy out of here now. Security.

[A]

But also seriously, drag him out. People, we've reached the second half of our show, our final four stories and me and Shaner probably feel like stupid.

[E]

Pieces of shit feel so fucking dumb.

[A]

Why did we even come out? This sucks.

[B]

Shaner. There is no way you could catch up at this point.

[A]

No, you shut the fuck up.

[B]

Wrong.

[A]

Don't listen to that.

[E]

No, I'm not gonna listen to this.

[A]

Don't listen.

[B]

It won't happen.

[A]

I'll tell you why you don't have to worry about what he's saying. Because for the final four stories here at Story wars we go double point.

[B]

Drew, you could explain once if you want to explain to everyone because you are a story warrior.

[D]

So you guys know the rules. Sometimes the. The points are worth a couple points. And then.

[B]

He said a couple points.

[A]

You couple points. You knit. Drew. Explain it.

[E]

You guys.

[A]

God damn it. I don't know. Alex and Mike, are you together? Make one big ass.

[E]

Jesus Christ, dude.

[D]

I might have just unlocked something because technically a couple points equals double points.

[A]

Now he's hitting it. Now we're doing the right stuff. Damn.

[D]

You get more points this round. That's what it means.

[A]

All right, fair enough.

[B]

That's true. A couple points counts.

[A]

Dude.

[D]

I'm a genius.

[B]

Couple points.

[D]

If I say couple points. You know what I mean? From now on. Couple points.

[A]

He's right. Now. Now I'll tell you what doesn't deserve a few points connotates three.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, but if you say. Cuz we all know that two equals a couple points.

[B]

Come on.

[D]

Lewis hates this. I'm sorry.

[B]

I don't mind it.

[A]

Now he's not hating.

[B]

You know, if I hate it, I like it.

[A]

You would know.

[B]

I'm drunk on white clothes. Us.

[A]

And Lewis is driving right after the show. A drunk hand turkey. It'll be just hold my. Hold my feathers back.

[E]

Yeah, dude.

[D]

9:30 show is going to rule.

[B]

Yeah, when I. When I get. When I get pulled over, I'm going to get a couple points off my license.

[A]

Come on, you fucks.

[B]

Pay attention.

[A]

There it is. You fucking twat. You dildos. You guys drove so many hours to fuck that up. You drove so many hours of beer to fuck that up. Alex.

[B]

Five. I know.

[A]

First round is four. The second round starts with story number five.

[F]

Story number five. I got caught playing doctor with a third cousin by my grandparent right before a family holiday dinner. He took it to his grave.

[D]

I mean, I think he took it to his grave. Has to be Shaner or a gay guy up here. Or I mean. I mean Josie or a gay guy.

[C]

Locking in immediately.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

No, that's Big J.

[D]

This is Josie.

[B]

I mean, I will say that Jay. Jay has had multiple stories. Well, he submitted multiple stories about hooking up with his cousin.

[D]

What?

[A]

Multiple stories?

[C]

You have multiple cousins?

[B]

Hold on. It was one story that he submitted multiple times.

[A]

What are you talking about? Why would you possibly know that?

[B]

What?

[A]

How would you possibly know that?

[B]

You. You hooked up with a cousin, you said.

[A]

I've submitted a story multiple times. You don't know the stories I submit. Are you cheating?

[B]

No.

[A]

Are you reading the stories that I submit?

[B]

No. Everyone knows.

[A]

Balderdash. Balderdash.

[B]

Jay is trying to deflect right now.

[A]

No. Vote for me. I don't. I. I hope it's not you because.

[B]

You'Re getting points in that fucking draw. If they put three stories in a row for me, that would be insane.

[A]

Was it two in a row already?

[B]

It was two in a row, yeah.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

So you're almost goddamn guaranteed that it can't be you.

[A]

But I mean, it could be you.

[D]

It makes me think it's you.

[A]

I know.

[B]

If they did three stories in a row, I am cheating.

[D]

I know. That's why you keep winning this game.

[A]

I know. He is a filthy.

[B]

No. People have been getting better. A lot of people have been catching up. And Drew, you're a winner. You've won in the past, my friend.

[D]

Yeah, but that was before you knew how to cheat. Really, dude.

[B]

And Drew, you. You are from the woods. Dude, you have a lot of cousin fucking tendencies.

[D]

No. Yeah, I fuck cousins for sure, but this ain't me.

[A]

Straight up. Straight up. I believe him. I think this is Josie.

[C]

What? You have no idea who I am is what I'm finding from this. You've got to me.

[A]

I'll tell you what you are to somebody. I'll tell you what you are to somebody. A big titted cousin. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

All my cousins are girls.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

That makes it so much more hot.

[A]

What are you talking about? Oh, wow. So I get extra hard.

[E]

That's awesome.

[A]

Fuck right off, you dyke.

[B]

Oh, no, no. Do you want. You want to know what Tony Ayo just texted me?

[A]

What?

[B]

You gotta read it.

[A]

This. My daughter died.

[B]

This is hilarious. He goes afam. I go, what up, Jay?

[A]

He wrote, would you be so kind to tell Shane that myself and Fitty are big fans when we get back from Dubai? What a problem this guy's become in Lewis life.

[D]

Tell him that me and Shaner are big fans of him.

[E]

So who'd have thunk a guy named Tony Yayo would be a problem?

[A]

Weird. Weird. Who do you thunk that? Let me tell. I would say it was the Best. He is engaged. He is ready to. He. He likes us.

[B]

He likes us.

[D]

It's either Jay or Josie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Really.

[A]

I was gonna say we threw such a medium.

[C]

So many cousins said anything about.

[A]

I never the cousin in my life.

[C]

You ate your cousin's.

[B]

You ate your cousin's.

[D]

And it doesn't say.

[A]

It says don't stop playing 13 pussy dog.

[B]

That ain't no game. Antarctic. That ain't no game. Game. So. So the only reason I don't put this hold on it specifically says playing doctor. Jay wasn't playing doctor with his cousin.

[A]

We were munching. Me do a piece of it says.

[D]

I think he took it to the grave. So it's got to be a guy that you were.

[C]

You know what I mean? Doesn't have grandfather.

[B]

So.

[A]

Wait, didn't you just tell a story?

[B]

I had two. I had two grandfathers.

[E]

But no, it's also the third cousin. That's a technicality. That's all legal, dude. That's fucking.

[A]

Oh, you know, listen, I'm just saying.

[E]

Pennsylvania law. That's fucking.

[D]

I'm just saying.

[A]

The three white guys in this. Straight white guys on this panel, I will say this is above board.

[E]

I'm just saying that's pretty fucking. Also exactly what I searched on xvids last night. That same exact thing.

[C]

Wait, did you say white? One of three straight guys on the. Who's the gay? Oh, three straight white guys.

[D]

Wait, who is the one that isn't.

[A]

Lewis is not Puerto Rican.

[D]

Lewis is gay?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

That's the straightest look you're ever gonna get from Lewis. Jesus Christ.

[C]

This is killing me. Did I fuck my cousins?

[B]

I don't think you fucked your cousins. I think you got caught playing doctor with your cousin. Josie likes to dress up.

[A]

Fuck your doctors, you fucking psycho.

[C]

One of them.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Josie likes to play dress up. She does cosplay.

[C]

This is what cosplay is.

[B]

This is what cosplay exactly is for children.

[A]

This is being molested.

[B]

Gentlemen, gentlemen, you gotta get your votes going. They're conferring in the corner. Shandra votes for Big J. All answers are in.

[F]

Story number five belongs to Big J Ackerson.

[B]

Hey, Jay, how about you get your fingers out of your family for once, you sick fuck.

[A]

Nobody put fingers in anything.

[C]

Which story of cousin fucking was this for you?

[A]

Nobody. The cousin. This was just plain D. This is just looking at each other's parts. And my.

[E]

How close were you looking?

[A]

Close. Did you.

[E]

Did you have to put your glasses all the way down on the Edge of your nose.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Oh, look at that. Ew, dude. Oh, hey, cuz. Yeah, my, ah, my. You handed it to me by the fire. Yeah, me and my cousin Megan, we were fucking dicking around in a room.

[E]

Wait, you said he took it to his grave?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

No, the grandfather.

[A]

My pop pop. My pop pop walked up in.

[D]

Is she going to be at Thanksgiving tomorrow?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I think she had a little drug problem and then I. I think got it together eventually. Wait, what did you full blame for that?

[E]

What did your popup say when he walked in?

[A]

Popup walked in and he had like a. Oh.

[B]

Moment.

[A]

And then went, dinner in five minutes.

[C]

And you were like, I'm already eating right here. It's fine.

[A]

Josie. That was pillow talk, Josephine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandfather died when I was 11 and I'll be honest with you, I think he died with that info.

[B]

Nice bastard.

[A]

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop pop.

[B]

Alex, five stories down. Where are scores that all right?

[F]

Tied for third place with six points each. Big J Oakerson, Ryan Shaner and Drew Montana.

[B]

Very close game.

[F]

In second place with eight points, Lis J. Gomez second.

[A]

Oh, that's right. Josie wrote my name immediately there. Twat.

[C]

Jay, I've heard so many stories about you fucking your cousin.

[A]

That's not true. I never fucked a cousin once. You're just saying that is the words. You're just saying words.

[C]

Eating your cousin out. I don't know.

[A]

No, we looked at stuff. Go to the next story.

[C]

You've never eaten your cousin's story.

[A]

Let's go to the next story.

[F]

And in the lead, they were Jewish.

[A]

High holidays with coins.

[E]

We were just looking at stuff.

[A]

Looking at each other's stuff.

[F]

And in the lead with 10 points, Josie Marcelino.

[A]

Man, me and Loose talking in the back. If you get acknowledged as a story warrior before Mike Fenoy, it's going to be hilarious.

[B]

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thanks Sipics Toothpicks for supporting the show. Zippix Toothpicks. Nicotine infused toothpicks, which are actually just absolutely incredible. If you're looking to satisfy your nicotine craving anytime, any place, anywhere, you got to do it with Zipix Toothpicks. Not only does it, they really satisfy your nicotine craving on a flight, in school, at work, wherever you're at, but you get to look like you have a lot of machismo.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's right. A essay. Hey, Chico, these. When you're done with it, flick it in someone's face. When you're done when all the nicotine's out, you just flick it at a person's face. Funny enough, before Zipix came back on to advertise with us, Bobby Kelly started using them again. And so they came back into my life and I was like, oh yeah, these things are great if you want something that's nicotine free. They also have Zip Energy toothpicks and with caffeine and vitamin B12, which are great for any moment you want. They've helped hundreds of thousands of customers get their nicotine fix. And they're only sold [e-mail] get 10 off your order by using the code wars at checkout wars with a Z. You must be 21 or older. And warning, nicotine is an addictive chemical. Zip more, smoke less with Zipix nicotine toothpicks. Hey everybody, real quick, let's talk about our awesome sponsor over here at Story wars and that is Turkey Turtle Beach. Turtle beach is so helpful for any gamer in your life. And again, you know, this has got me through holidays too. The Gen 3 Stealth 700 headset is one of their main features over there. It has rich audio, immersive surround sound with an 80 hour battery, which means you can game all weekend without even charging it. Louis, you're actively using it as we speak.

[B]

Yep, this is it. Turtle beach right here. I don't mess around. I, I live the life, you know, I, I use all of our sponsors because I believe in all of our sponsors and Turtle beach is one of the best ones. This is the holiday season. I Jay, you gave me the idea. All the people life that play video games. This is the perfect gift. Get them the Self 700 headset. It's the best headset ever. The microphones are incredible. When I go on the road, let's say if I were doing ads on the road, I would be using the South 700, which would absolutely sound incredible, insane.

[A]

But I also have purchased those headsets for a lot of people in my life. So now the good news is they have so much more stuff. It's not just headsets. They have flight sticks, racing wheels, professional style controllers, mice, keyboards. If you go to turtlebeach.com right now and use the code wars with a Z, you're gonna get 10 off your entire order. 10 off your entire [e-mail] with promo code W A R Z. Support the show. Tell them story war sent. You get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle beach today.

[B]

All right, story warriors, let's Take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee this holiday season for supporting the show. You want to feel good. You want to be the best version of yourself. Well, I'm assuming you drink a cup of coffee every day. Why not have coffee that does more than simply just wake you up and makes you jittery? Body Brain Coffee is a mushroom coffee that supports testosterone naturally. It's got five simple ingredients. You can make it hot, cold, or in a protein shake. And we're doing a special offer this holiday season. If you buy one bag, you're gonna get the second bag for 50% off. There's no promo code needed, but if you guys want to just buy one bag, you get 20% off with the promo code. War 25 simple ingredients. Jay. I know.

[A]

Hey, Lewis, can I say something? I know you could do it hot, you could do it cold, but I heard for the new year you're going to make it, so. It could also be at room temp.

[B]

It's the one thing. It's ineffective at room temperature.

[A]

At room temperature, all the. All the positive qualities go away. Okay, that's good to know.

[B]

That's good to know that Ali loses all of his power.

[A]

Is that room, Louis? Tongkat Ali's been dead for years, dude. I watched him put him in the ground after I finished him. Don't even play around saying Tongkat Ali is back.

[B]

Look, that is the big secret ingredient. That's what boosts testosterone naturally. But look it up. It's Tonka Ali, Lion's mane L the Ashwagandha mixed with premium Colombian freeze dried coffee. It tastes great. You could mix it just how you make your regular coffee, with creamer sweetener. Whatever it is, just go to bodybringcoffee.com, use that promo code war20 for 20% off or buy one and get your second bag for 50% off. This holiday season forever. Alex, story number six.

[F]

Story number six.

[A]

What?

[F]

My mother once took a shit on the floor during Christmas.

[A]

What? What?

[D]

No shaner for sure.

[A]

Yeah, if this was Lewis, this would be I. He would have, you know, one man show about this.

[B]

Yeah, you know what? That's how you see my mother. That's up.

[A]

No, no, dude. Your mother WWE on the floor during Christmas, but not this.

[B]

She wasn't a on the floor type of woman. She was a good woman. She had her problems. She was a good woman.

[A]

Yo, this the topic is family gatherings. That means during a family gathering at Christmas, you think it's old? You think it's like someone who's dementia doesn't know what's going on.

[D]

Shaner's whole thing is shit and dying.

[C]

So yeah, I immediately wrote Shaner. But then I remembered that Lewis's mom was like a heroin addicted prostitute.

[D]

So if it was Lewis's mom, it would say overdose, died and took a shit.

[E]

This is two to the point.

[B]

Listen to me. Heroin addicted prostitutes don't take shits on the floor. That's not. That's not hot or cool.

[A]

What if they get paid? But I think if your mother.

[B]

Prostitutes are hot and heroin's cool.

[A]

Louis Lewis.

[B]

What?

[A]

With all due respect, I think if I paid enough money that your mother would have in front of me. Hey, that's got. That doesn't reflect on you. You're a good person. You take care of your aunt, but your mother, I think for a nominal fee.

[B]

To be fair, anyone in this room for a nominal fee would take a shit on the floor on Christmas morning.

[A]

Listen, let's conjure up some cash. How much do you think they make this guy shit right in front of us right now?

[E]

Everyone pass around the hat.

[B]

Let's. Right now.

[D]

What's the number?

[B]

If I offered you right now. If I offered you $5,000 to shit on the stage right now? Right now, if you had to go, would you do it? If you had to go, 5,000 cash. That's crazy.

[A]

So maybe $250.

[D]

Wait, I'll pay you 250 not to do it.

[A]

I think I had that.

[E]

I have an unused honey baked ham gift card. Does anybody want that? I'm just saying I haven't used it and it is the time of.

[A]

Thanks so much.

[E]

Well, let's see some Duke on the floor.

[A]

Duke already Duke.

[B]

Josie was your.

[A]

Duke. Josie, can I give you a little chat?

[B]

Was your mom a pig?

[A]

Can I give you. Let me give you. Let me give you a little cheat on Josie. That I just know because we work together so much. Josie's mom was a dj. Now she was probably a lush alcoholic for sure. Sure. But this would be a thing if. This is Josie, She's. She's never told me the truth.

[C]

My mom's super hot. My mom's like 100.

[E]

We hold your dog to your mom. We get it. Shut up.

[C]

No, but I'm saying she doesn't.

[A]

Hot chick Josie, you dumb dog.

[E]

Yeah, they do.

[D]

What is she, Kim Jong Un?

[A]

You made the story up because you. You would have told us about the time your mother during the.

[E]

See, that's the whole thing. It's too short and to the point. That's Definitely from somebody who doesn't even know who Ed McMahon is. So it's easily one of these two retards.

[D]

I promise. My mom's a Christian. Stories are all long.

[B]

Talk to me about your mom. What does she like? Honestly?

[D]

She's nice. Nice lady.

[E]

Very nice.

[A]

Does she have an alcohol problem?

[B]

Shannon, is your mom an alcoholic?

[E]

No, my mom. Actually, my mom was the only sober person in my entire life. Never drank.

[B]

Never.

[C]

I think I. That's a lie.

[A]

True. You made a bit of a. You made a bit of a face right there when I asked if your mother was an alcoholic.

[D]

No, no, my mom. My mom goes to church literally five times a week. It's insane.

[A]

Five times. My dad was. No booze.

[D]

She drinks a little bit, but she would never. My mom's the. The reincarnation.

[A]

Did your mother have an alcohol problem?

[C]

No, she drinks, but she doesn't have an alcohol problem.

[A]

She was.

[E]

That's what they all say.

[A]

She was a dj.

[C]

She is a dj.

[A]

She is dj. So she probably got backstage to fucking see Fog hat somehow.

[C]

On Christmas.

[A]

Slow ride. Yeah, that's how the family gathering.

[D]

During Christmas is crazy. It's got to be Shaner. Yeah, but Shaner's stories are all two paragraphs long, so I don't know.

[A]

Josie wouldn't put the story out about her mother. Her mother's actively a dj.

[C]

Yeah, my mom is, like, actively. I would not do that. So I think it's.

[A]

Yeah, I'm going shader. She.

[B]

God damn it.

[E]

Look, guys, I know blackface on floors. It's all me.

[C]

It's you.

[E]

I know, but I'm telling you, it.

[C]

Could be Lewis, though.

[A]

It could be Lewis. I don't know for sure, but I would say Lewis would have told us by the time his mom came down to the hot on the Florida Ryan.

[B]

Shanner is my answer. Wow. That's Chander's mom right there. Shitting.

[A]

Opa. They would. Yo.

[E]

They with you?

[B]

Lots of votes for Shaner. Wow.

[D]

It's Josie.

[A]

Ah, if it's Josie right now.

[D]

God damn it.

[A]

She just said blink. Oh, you. You hate your mother. What did she do? She.

[B]

Her boyfriend.

[A]

Piece of. Ah. Suck.

[E]

What?

[B]

Alex.

[F]

Story number six belongs to Josie Marcelino.

[E]

Oh, you guys look like idiots.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

My mom would never.

[C]

Lovely woman. She's the only one not an alcoholic.

[B]

We all imagine Mama Shaner.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[E]

I dare you. Dude, you didn't believe me.

[B]

Shaner, we all imagine your mom being a disgusting pig who would on the floor during Christmas.

[D]

Dude, I've met Shaner's mom. Nicest lady in the world. I feel bad for writing that. That was crazy.

[E]

That is so up.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[E]

She said she liked your black voice. Ah, she. She said that when she met you.

[A]

Said Angel. Yeah.

[E]

He's so smooth.

[D]

I knew it was Josie. God damn it.

[B]

I had Josie written on my card. Jay talked me out of it. Thank you, Jay. You asshole. Josie.

[C]

The one time you didn't vote for me this whole game.

[A]

Oh, good for you. You ruined your mother's reputation. Who's so currently on what she's currently on 106.5 the beat of Maryland.

[C]

I told this on Zach and Miko's morning zoo already.

[B]

So 3,000 people listen to that podcast.

[D]

Yeah, it's not real ass podcast anymore, Josie.

[A]

Guys, buckle up.

[B]

Guys, tweet at Josie's mother. Let her know you heard this story.

[C]

No.

[A]

Right before turkey. I'll lucky that right before she butter injects her turkey.

[C]

My mother is a blistering alcoholic. I love her. Beautiful woman, gorgeous. But she's a drinker and she's 110 pounds, and all she drinks is straight vodka.

[E]

So that's either the most amount of shit or the least amount of shit.

[C]

Oh, it was the most amount of shit. So it was the end of Christmas. Like, the extended family had gone home, and me and my siblings were in a room together like that.

[B]

That's what you guys described the event end of Christmas?

[C]

Yes. This was my 9 11, remember?

[F]

We.

[A]

We plugged in our light, bright popped downstairs, and mom was just ripping crap on the floor.

[E]

The yule log from hell.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Go play with your sister. Thank you. Thank you.

[E]

I appreciate you guys.

[C]

So. So she's drunk as shit, and me and my sister are in a room together, like, packing up our stuff. Cause we're gonna head home, back to our houses, and she, like, comes in, just walks across the room without breaking stride, walks back. She like, goes and grabs something. She's in those, like, white lady, big hippie pants. And as she gets to the end of the room, there's just a whole. I'm talking a foot long of unbroken human shit on the ground.

[D]

Chill. You're gonna get j hard.

[A]

That's impressive, though. That's impressive. On separate from everything else, that's impressive.

[C]

She. And like, we saw it and then we smelled it. And we both. We were like, what the is that? And she's like, what she.

[A]

You guys must have been bad this year. Looks like you got coal. Yeah, it's a full stop from Mommy's cave. Mommy's coal mine.

[C]

She tried to blame it on the dog. Our dog was 10 pounds. The shit weighed more than the dog. We've all been the craziest thing. She never broke her stride, didn't grunt like a horse. She just shit like a horse in the middle of walking.

[E]

That is very Stevie Nicks of her to do that. And also, Unbroken Human Shit is a great Fleetwood Back album.

[A]

True that. True that. Dude. That's when they were all still fighting.

[C]

Oh, I love you much. So, so much, Mom.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Yeah, so that was. That was my 911. Was that.

[A]

Man, thank God she's unconscious right now.

[C]

She. The floor at Christmas.

[B]

That. That story was disgusting. Okay, Alex, where are points at?

[A]

Disturbing, for sure.

[F]

All right. Tied for fourth place with six points each, Big J. Okerson and Drew Montana.

[A]

Hey, everybody. Everyone keeps enjoying meeting me. Down at the bottom, in third place.

[F]

With eight points, Luis J. Gomez.

[B]

I'm still in it.

[F]

In second place with 10 points, Ryan Shaner. And in the lead with 16 points, Josie Marcelin.

[A]

You had to be a fan of the show.

[B]

What a loser.

[A]

God, you're so gay to be a fan of the show and understand how it works.

[B]

What an absolute loser you are. What a loser.

[C]

I can't wait to share this book with my mom.

[B]

My trump.

[A]

You should do a trump.

[B]

What a loser Josie is. Well, her mother shits on the floor.

[A]

Well, I guess I'm pretty close to leaving, but we're hanging in there by a fucking thread. Alex, Alex, Alex. Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. I became sexually aroused for the first time from watching the Rockettes on a Thanksgiving morning many moons ago.

[A]

Go.

[B]

What a waste.

[E]

Who yelled that out?

[B]

Many moons ago is crazy.

[E]

Yeah, many moons ago. That's either. That's either Jay or Drew.

[A]

I've never. The only time I saw the Rockettes ever were in the movie Annie.

[C]

Did you watch it on Thanksgiving or.

[E]

Was it on Thanksgiving?

[B]

No, Thanksgiving morning they did the Thanksgiving Day parade.

[A]

I never watched that as a show.

[D]

We watched the Houston Rockettes at my house. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying.

[A]

And you get sexually aroused from that shit for different reasons.

[B]

Houston Rockettes.

[A]

Oh, he milajuan. No, no.

[E]

I'm just saying, like, this.

[A]

Seems like a no brainer for me. I went, why do you think it's Louis right away? Because this is a Louis thing. This is Louis sitting there. His mother's nodding off in a room or having sex with a stranger for money. His sister's off doing God knows What? Praying to the sun gods out in the fucking woods. And Lewis is watching.

[B]

There's a good chance that this is Big J.

[A]

His sister's off getting fucking Boston Market sandwiches.

[B]

He's on Thanksgiving dinner. He's on Thanksgiving morning watching the Thanksgiving day parade by himself while his mother While his mother is sucking off four or five different why are both My.

[A]

Stepfather'S been in my life since I was 10 years old. My only question real she stopped sucking in cops when I was nine years old.

[B]

If you were a cop a ambulance.

[A]

She kept her Philadelphia. She did keep her house safe. She kept her single mother household safe.

[B]

By Ms. O.

[A]

She kept her single mother household safe is what she did. I feel she cops so the cops were there. Ls dick is so little it's crazy.

[B]

Thanks.

[C]

This could be any of you.

[A]

Jameson, Ginger. Who did I say it's Lewis. Easy peasy.

[D]

I think it's Jay.

[E]

No, it's James now.

[D]

I think it's Jay James selling it.

[A]

I've never the only time I've seen.

[C]

The Rockettes, but I feel like Jay wouldn't say many moons ago.

[E]

No, Jay would.

[A]

He would. I would.

[E]

He speaks so eloquently.

[A]

I'll give you that. I think that to me when I read that I go that's somebody trying to sound like me.

[C]

How old were you when this was happening?

[A]

This didn't happen to me.

[E]

Was this before or after you looked at your cousin's.

[A]

I. I don't know. At the age of the person this is Buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. That solidifies it. That solidifies it. That solidifies it for sure. Whoever. Josie, if you vote for me, you're a stupid. No one gets be my best friend didn't solidify it.

[B]

Like your mother solidified the of all the firemen.

[A]

Take shots of Terry all you want. She saved lives here in the greater Delaware Valley area as a respiratory therapist for the better part of 40 years. So why don't we take our hats off to her? I think it okay yeah, sure, she sucked and fucked some first responders to make sure her fat little son stayed.

[C]

Safe, but it could be Lewis.

[A]

Then she went to college, got it all together and started taking cream pies for my step pop and then three more kids.

[C]

Shane. Or is this you?

[E]

No, I didn't even know.

[A]

It's fucking Lewis. Star, this is Lewis.

[D]

Wait, what?

[A]

Wait, hold on.

[E]

Before the rockets are the. The that kick the legs, right?

[D]

It might be Shaner. You think it's Lewis?

[A]

I mean this. Yeah, you're right. Josie put Shaner back on the list of possibilities, but this.

[C]

I don't even know what the Rockets are.

[B]

It's either. It's either Big J. It's either Big J or Shane.

[C]

You just said that. I'm.

[E]

I don't know what they are.

[C]

You also do.

[E]

I just found out what they are.

[B]

Shannon's a small guy. Long legs. That would turn me on.

[D]

No, it's Louis.

[A]

Oh, absolutely.

[D]

Louis loves tall bitches. I've seen his girlfriends. Lewis loves tall ladies.

[A]

Oh, he does love a Rockette leg. One singular sensation. Every little step she takes.

[E]

No, now it's J. F. No, it's. Fuck, this is so hard.

[C]

It could be. I don't think it's you.

[D]

Can we do a crowd vote? I don't think it's.

[E]

See, the whole thing is like. I could hear Drew saying, like, many moons ago.

[C]

Yeah, like that sounds like it could be any fucking.

[D]

What am I, a fucking idiot?

[E]

I know you're saying no, but I've heard J. I've heard him talk.

[A]

Shut up.

[E]

I've heard him talk. Let me think.

[A]

It could be audio blackface. Possibly, I guess, but I think it's Louis.

[E]

Drew, can you say that out loud in. In your journal?

[D]

I became sexually aroused for the first time from watching the Rock.

[E]

Wait, he doesn't know what he's reading.

[D]

It's not him.

[A]

That's not audio blackface.

[E]

That ain't audio blackface.

[C]

Now I feel like it's Drew.

[A]

Maybe because he threw his voice.

[C]

You didn't read that?

[D]

I was trying to make it sexually arousing.

[A]

Josie wrote everyone's name on her board.

[C]

Because I'm scratching you off one by one.

[E]

That's witch behavior, baby. I think that's witch behavior.

[C]

Goddamn right.

[E]

But that's also the type of person who would be sexually aroused by the Rockets.

[A]

Oh, I never considered. This is a good throw off. It's a girl.

[C]

My girl.

[E]

You didn't think about that. That means a Tim.

[C]

My first sexual arousal was to Barney. So it's not this.

[A]

Oh, you always like purple dicks?

[E]

No, no, it was baby bop. It was baby bop.

[C]

Wasn't baby bop purple dicks?

[A]

No.

[E]

That's what you called what you were.

[C]

It was to two of the children on Barney while I was a child. Thank you.

[A]

Jay's trying to get a white one.

[B]

Guys, we have to get our votes in here.

[E]

All right. God damn.

[B]

Jeremy Montana writes Big J down. Is this his final answer?

[D]

It's one of. Yeah.

[A]

Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew. Before you move your hand, I'm telling you, buddy, for sure.

[D]

Are we best friends?

[A]

Yes. Are we? Yes. Yes, buddy. I'm telling you, it's not me.

[D]

I honestly believe him.

[B]

Jay is trying to catch up right now. Goddamn it, Drew.

[A]

I think. I think it's Louis. I don't know if it's Lewis, but I think it's Lewis.

[B]

You guys think I got a third story in?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, I do. Cause you cheat.

[B]

You guys are idiots.

[A]

Josie might be.

[B]

No, somebody's cleaning up.

[D]

Jay.

[B]

You idiots.

[A]

Josie might be the sleeper.

[E]

I already regret.

[B]

Drew, if you put Lewis, it's you. That's what's retarded. This is crazy.

[D]

Jay, are you saying I get your phone number after this?

[A]

100% it's Jay.

[C]

I'll give it to you right now.

[A]

Hey. 100%.

[B]

9, 1, 7.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Lewis.

[B]

No.

[E]

I'm just.

[C]

Can I. All right. Can I ask the audience?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[D]

We just did it.

[C]

Clap if you think it's Lewis.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Wow.

[C]

Clap if you think it's Big J.

[A]

Wow. They're so wrong. It's crazy.

[C]

Shaner.

[A]

Shaner.

[C]

You know what? I kind of think it's Shaner.

[A]

Really? Oh.

[C]

And if it's Drew, I'm gonna kill myself.

[A]

All right.

[E]

I fucking.

[F]

All right, everybody. Story number seven belongs to Drew Montana.

[A]

Drew. I thought we were best friends.

[B]

Friends.

[D]

Yo, can I still get your phone number?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

You've bested me, so. Of course.

[B]

Drew, how old were you here?

[D]

Like 8 or 9 years old. It was. Dude, it was around I saw the Rockettes kicking their legs up, and it was around the time where I realized my Aunt Terry had huge tits.

[A]

And that's a good crossover.

[D]

I'm like, both of these things on the same cat.

[A]

Ouch.

[D]

God. Real. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Too much overload.

[D]

It was overload.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

In the story I wrote the first time, I got a boner. But obviously that wouldn't have been Josie. Unless we don't know something. You know what I'm saying? So.

[E]

But, yeah, but I knew you said many. Dude, I could hear you say many.

[A]

Moon.

[D]

I tried to sound like Jay.

[C]

This is what a wigger would write. Trying to sound like a regular guy.

[A]

Yeah, I got. I got. I still got some wigger in me. These killer glasses.

[B]

Where. Where are our points at?

[F]

In last place, with six points, Big J Okerson.

[D]

Damn.

[A]

Damn. I'm having so much fun, I forgot that I'm losing completely.

[F]

In fourth place, with eight points, Luis J. Gomez. In third place with 10 points, Ryan Shaner. In second place with 14 points, Drew Montana. And in the lead with 16 points, Josie Marcelino.

[B]

So close.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

This is it, guys. Final story. One more story.

[A]

Let's not forget the winner of this game is taking home Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty. Well, you might not know is what sets Think Like a Man apart is how grounded it feels. Part self help, part spiritual reflection and part practical coaching. Shetty brings in mindfulness and habit building research to support the lessons including the importance of taming the ego, which is false defensive identity in favor of true humility and self esteem. Jay Shetty, rest in peace if you're dead.

[B]

No, he's out there still. Alex. One more story. Story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. One year at Christmas we had two different paranoid schizophrenics at the T.

[A]

No, no, no.

[D]

This is Shaner. 100%.

[C]

It's either Shaner or Drew.

[A]

Yeah, just drew the other one with the blackface. The table.

[D]

I already had two stories in.

[A]

But it doesn't matter.

[B]

It doesn't matter. You can have more than two.

[A]

I'll tell you this, this ain't me. And I've had no story. Did I have a story? One story.

[B]

You had a story.

[E]

Yeah, you looked at your cousin's pussy. We all remember. I only had one story. We all knew. Know the story. Dude, we were all there for that.

[A]

Everybody was young. Everyone had a cousin that you always saw one. No one here, they pop up for that one.

[E]

I ruined my grandfather's life.

[A]

Okay, that's not exact. Okay, I. You know what? I got the. I'll eat it. You did.

[E]

You ate it from.

[B]

That's what he said.

[A]

I think I speak for my young self when I say numb, numb, numb. Don't shake your head.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

This could never be me.

[C]

This could absolutely be me.

[E]

That's something a paranoid schizophrenic would have.

[B]

Drew, do you have mental illness in the family?

[D]

No.

[C]

Wait, could this be Louis Lewis?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Lewis doesn't have his mom.

[B]

Oh, no. I did have an uncle that had a parent of schizophrenia. My uncle Raymond. Just one? Yeah, just one.

[C]

That was the craziest belch I've ever heard.

[E]

Now that rule, dude.

[C]

Oh, I thought it was the chick. I'm sorry.

[A]

No, no, she would never.

[E]

She would rip a huge part.

[A]

Beautiful. Those two guys. From Lamb to Lamb to Lambda in the back. Yeah.

[B]

This Janer, do you have mental illness in the family?

[E]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Yeah, everybody does.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Josie's mom's ripping shits on the. On the Christmas tree skirt.

[C]

Yeah, but mentally she's okay.

[E]

We would put them out in the garage like civil people, though.

[A]

Yeah, you let them run like garage. You make like a tard park in your own house.

[E]

We called it a tardy party is what we did.

[A]

I don't mind that.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Wait, dude, different music. This is Josie for sure.

[C]

Oh, now I know it's true.

[D]

No, I promise you. Now she's panicking because Josie.

[C]

You said me every.

[D]

Now, dude, behind the scenes a little bit. Somebody else canceled. Josie was a last minute replacement. This is another short story like her last story was. And it's all exaggerated. Girl shit. This is Josie.

[C]

This is.

[A]

Well, that's.

[C]

First of all, the last story wasn't exaggerated. I think it's Drew.

[D]

Fuck.

[A]

All right, Drew.

[B]

You had two stories already.

[A]

I did.

[B]

We've had people that have had.

[D]

But I sent in five. How about that?

[B]

Oh, that. Ooh.

[D]

But it's not me, I swear.

[E]

I also sent in five stories.

[C]

I also sent in five stories.

[B]

I sent in two stories.

[A]

I sent in that one. Did it get red?

[B]

Is it J? Could it be J?

[A]

Could it.

[C]

I don't. Well. Wait, is Christine's family nutty?

[A]

I don't know Christine's family. Oh, I've never taken the time.

[C]

Actually, I think that's true.

[A]

Her father lives in San Diego.

[B]

Ish.

[A]

Somewhere. Been there a bunch. I met him twice. He seems fine.

[E]

This is definitely. This is definitely woman.

[D]

But this is girl stuff, dude, I'm telling you.

[E]

Yeah, but Lewis is also kind of a woman.

[D]

Louis girl.

[A]

No doubt.

[E]

You don't. Don't go, whoa.

[B]

You know, I'm getting shanner vibes on this right now.

[E]

Right there.

[A]

Oh, is it you?

[B]

Shoot.

[D]

Look at me.

[B]

Shannon's family. I. I have a feeling that Shannon's got real issues in his family.

[E]

Yeah, because you know, I ate my cousin's in my. Okay, nobody ate a minute.

[A]

Doctors don't eat your. Dude, no doctor eats your.

[E]

What are you talking about? Tons of doctors eat your pussy.

[A]

Okay, all right. But those are bad doctors. I was a good doctor. Doctor. I was a good doctor. No, I took an oath. No, I took a fucking oath. Yes, I took an oath to make sure.

[E]

Nah, dude.

[A]

No. I have to help people if they need help. That's called the Hippocratic oath. Yeah.

[E]

Nah, dude. You ate fungal.

[D]

Dude.

[C]

Channer, I promise you it's not me.

[A]

Did you?

[E]

Yeah, that's what I believe.

[A]

Simple. Hey, Simple. Hey. Get involved for no reason.

[B]

Nobody was even saying it was you.

[A]

Hey, no worries.

[C]

He's trying to figure it out. I Think Drew's gonna clean up on this one trainer?

[D]

I also promise it's not me.

[C]

Yeah, I'm the craziest person in my family and I don't have paranoid schizophrenia.

[E]

Yeah, we know your mom shits a log on Christmas. We get it. Drew does family does blackface. We get get it.

[D]

We hunt.

[A]

They hunt. Blackface just happens from the hunt.

[D]

We're a camouflage people.

[A]

It's a situation. It's a reaction to the hunt.

[D]

Sure, we did Chris Rock impressions in the tree stand, but we were.

[E]

We were camouflaged.

[A]

Dude, who is going to take you to trial on that one?

[C]

Dude, come on. Is wood.

[A]

You're wearing black face for a real reason. You might as well.

[D]

What else am I going to do?

[A]

Look at this deer. Deer walking around all dumb. Dumb looking deer.

[D]

So there's black people and there's no.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Shanner votes for Drew. Alex, all of our answers are in final story. Whose story was story number eight?

[F]

Wow, everybody. Our final story, story number eight belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

I did not submit two stories. I submitted five stories. Yeah, my uncle Raymond, who you guys know about.

[A]

I don't listen to you.

[B]

And then it was so my aunt. My. My uncle Joe was married to my aunt Adele, but she wasn't really my aunt. My uncle Joe was my aunt Amory's brother. So whatever Adele was to me had a daughter named May. And May was a big fat, paranoid schizophrenic bitch who would come and just freak everybody out at the dinner table every Thanksgiving and Christmas. And yeah, one time we had them both together at Christmas and they were both just fucking twitching and chirping and talking to themselves and it was fucking psychotic and depressing.

[A]

Pass the rolls.

[B]

So, yeah.

[A]

Suck my dick.

[B]

Body break, coffee, baby. Body break, coffee, baby. Alex, where are our points at?

[F]

All right, in very last place, with only six points after eight stories, Big J. Okerson.

[A]

Keep going. I'll keep coming. I'll keep coming.

[F]

In fourth place with 10 points, but at least it's double digits, Ryan Shaner.

[A]

What do we got, Beast? Shaner.

[D]

Shaner.

[E]

That's bush league.

[A]

Alex. Friend or foe.

[F]

In third place with 14 points, Drew Montana.

[E]

That's rough, dude.

[D]

I'll do better next time.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

And tied for the lead with 16 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Josie Marcelino.

[B]

So here's the way it works. When there's a tie, Josie, me and you, we have to.

[A]

She knows, dude. She watches.

[B]

She watches. But for the people at home that don't know, me and Josie are going to we have 16 points. We can. We can wager any amount of points between 0 and 16 points. We're going to do that secretly. We're not going to know who. Who wagers what. And then Alex is going to read one story is going to be believed belong to either Drew Ryan or Big J. It's not going to be one of our stories. We're the only two people playing right now. They can fool us however they want. They can chime in however they want, but that's that. But we're going to take a moment, we're going to wager our points right now. Then Alex is going to choose story number nine.

[D]

This whole game is some man.

[E]

This is wild, dude.

[A]

It is ultimately.

[C]

Just remember, a win for Philly is a win for Philly. So let's try and take down Lewis. Yeah.

[B]

You Philly. This is for New Jersey, baby boy.

[A]

1, 2, 3, 4 Sixers.

[C]

The Flyers and the Union lost this week.

[B]

Shut up. Your mom's. Your mom shits you.

[C]

Your mom's dead.

[B]

My mom is dead.

[C]

My mom is a dead hooker.

[B]

Your. Your mom?

[A]

Yeah, dude. Your mom's.

[B]

Hold on. My mom is dead. But your mom will be dead and you'll have to live through that. I'm already over it.

[E]

That's a desperate man.

[A]

That's a desperate man.

[E]

That's a desperate man.

[A]

Maybe your mom's also.

[E]

Yeah, you're going to have to deal with grief like.

[A]

What the damn, dude. What are you talking about? That was like a roast battle. Alex, I know my mom's dead, but prepare for the one who is sad one day when your mother passes away as well. Story number nine.

[B]

Alex. Our final story. Story number nine.

[F]

Story number nine. My mom threatened to shoot a man in front of his friends and family after she found out that he ordered an erotic cake for a party and let me eat the chicken. Tits.

[A]

No.

[B]

Drew. Drew.

[A]

We don't even vote.

[B]

Drew.

[A]

Drew. We don't have to vote.

[D]

But I'm voting anyway. Dude, it's Shaner for sure.

[A]

No, we don't. There's no reason to vote. We're not in it.

[C]

Wait a minute.

[D]

Okay, could this goes to my all time total?

[C]

So it's just one of the three. Okay, I've heard this story, but I don't remember from whom.

[D]

This isn't me.

[E]

No, that's definitely Drew. Without a doubt.

[D]

Jewish mother was before you vote. Me? Yeah. My mom's a Catholic. Like I said, my mom loves God. She doesn't. Never had a gun. I'll kill that guy, My mom. That guy is fucking gay and dumb. That guy knows nothing. Dude, my mom loves the Lord and never had a gun. This is Shaner.

[B]

My answer is Ryan Shaner.

[A]

Shaner. My mom. You think she threatened to shoot a person?

[D]

Josie, this is Shaner.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

My Jewish mother threatened to shoot somebody.

[C]

I've heard this story. Okay, here's the. The honest truth. I've heard this story before and I listen to your more than I listen to their shit.

[D]

You think Lewis wouldn't know this? Lewis would know if Jay's mom threatened.

[C]

To shoot a guy. That's true.

[D]

It's Shaner. And hope you wagered more, if not double overtime.

[C]

It could be Drew.

[D]

But it's not.

[C]

Oh, no. But your mom is a sweet lady and she loves the Lord.

[D]

She doesn't have guns. Dude, that's crazy.

[B]

We both vote, Alex.

[F]

Story number nine belongs to Ryan Shaner.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

So right now, whoever wagered more points wins this. Right now?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Who ran first? Josie.

[B]

Josie should go first. I'm a returning champion. I have the most wins ever.

[C]

I wagered 10.

[B]

Let's see. Let's see. Okay. Wagered 10.

[A]

Do I win now? Do I win now? Now? Is it me? Is it not me? Woo.

[D]

Is it not me in first place? Now what are we doing?

[B]

We both wagered 10.

[C]

I have to pe.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen. You got a whole gentleman. It's double over time.

[D]

Oh, they were both right. Never mind.

[A]

Holy shit. Alex, for the first time ever.

[C]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[B]

We both. At this point, we both have 26 points each, correct?

[F]

Yes.

[B]

Great. Correct. So you can wager between 0 and 26 points.

[C]

I know how that works.

[A]

Yes. Oh, I see. Heating up. Oh, it's heating up, man. Alex, I don't even know if we have the graphic for it. Story number 10.

[B]

It's crazy. This is wild.

[F]

Story number 10. I watched my grandma sneeze on the ham one time and we all still ate it.

[E]

Well, this is clearly Drew.

[D]

It's not me. I think it's Jay. That's very. I. I'm laughing because it's the funniest thing I've ever read.

[A]

Your grandma Ste.

[D]

On the ham. It's crazy.

[C]

I feel like I've heard this one too.

[D]

It's not me.

[A]

Look, man, I. Wait.

[D]

My grandma died when I was two and my other grandma died when I was five. I wouldn't remember her sneezing on a ham. That's.

[A]

I swear to God, if those ages are true. He's right for me.

[D]

For My first memory. To be my grandma sneezing on a ha. Ham is so crazy.

[B]

I don't believe that Jay's Jewish family was eating ham.

[C]

Louis.

[D]

Louis, if you want to win, I promise you. Not me. Louis.

[A]

Why would he care?

[D]

I already have your phone number. This means nothing to me, but.

[C]

Yeah, but your Jewish grandmother wasn't Jewish. She was Jewish.

[D]

As a friend. Not me.

[A]

She'd make a brisket before ham all day long. Dude, Jay.

[D]

Jay definitely watched his grandma sneeze on food. That's what made him a germaphobe.

[A]

That was my mom. Mom. I wouldn't call her grandma.

[D]

This could be what made him a germaphobe.

[A]

I'm not a germaphobe.

[D]

Yes, you are.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I'm going to do. I'm just going to. I'm going to go. It's a weird thing. I'm going to think they're going to pull a second Shannon story. Shane. Shayna.

[C]

Drew, look at me.

[B]

That's it. That's my final answer.

[C]

Drew, is this you?

[D]

It's not me. It doesn't matter.

[A]

But.

[C]

Shaner, it's not me.

[A]

Oh, you're being stupid. I'm just.

[D]

Drew, it's not. I promise you, it's not me.

[E]

I'm just saying right now, it's either Shane or Jay.

[D]

I think it's Jay.

[E]

What I'm saying.

[C]

I kind of think it's Jay.

[E]

Matter what I'm saying.

[A]

All you all. My mama wouldn't do that. You're gonna all apologize. When it's not my mom, you're gonna apologize.

[E]

All I know is it's not me.

[A]

She's passed away two years ago. Thanks for bringing it up.

[C]

True, boys. A win for Philly is a win for Philly.

[B]

Josie.

[A]

Josie, stop.

[D]

It's not me.

[E]

It's not me.

[C]

Do you think it's Shaner or Jay?

[A]

I think it's Josie. Nitwit.

[E]

It might be Drew, but it's probably Jay.

[C]

Audience, Is it Jay?

[B]

Josie wants something to vote for. Big J.

[A]

Idiot.

[B]

I vote for Shaner.

[A]

Alex.

[B]

Alex, whose final story was that?

[F]

Story number 10 belongs to Drew Montana.

[D]

Did I win? Am I back?

[B]

We were both wrong. We were both wrong. Whoever wagered less wins the game right now.

[D]

What if I have more than both of you?

[B]

You lose no matter what. Josie, what did you. What did you wager?

[E]

What? A snake.

[C]

22.

[A]

It's me.

[B]

I wager 26. That means your winner and your newest story, warrior, Josie Marcelino.

[A]

Yay. Josie, you know. You know the power and the responsibility you now wield. If you want to give it away, world.

[C]

Yeah, Suck my dick. Couple points.

[A]

Josie Marcelino, your newest story warrior. Thank you all so much for being here. How about a big round of applause for our entire panel? Drew Montana, Ryan Shaner, one more time.

[B]

For your new story, warrior.

[A]

Josie Marcelino, the Story Awards. I'm Big J Okerson.

[B]

I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

We'll catch you next time. Until then, peace.