075. Nick Mullen, Sam Tallent, Dave Smith | Pain

Summary

---

Story Warz Ep. 075 — Pain

Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez with Nick Mullen, Sam Tallent, Dave Smith
Recorded live at Skankfest New Orleans, The Joy Theater. January 9, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This rowdy, riotous episode of Story Warz is all about pain—physical, emotional, self-inflicted, and vicarious. Comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez host as contestants Nick Mullen, Sam Tallent, and Dave Smith join them on stage at Skankfest New Orleans. Amid playful insults, brutal self-owns, and raucous crowd energy, the comics compete in a game of deceptive storytelling: can they guess which anonymous pain-filled story belongs to which panelist? With points on the line and the coveted “Maui Revealed” guidebook as the prize, the theme leads to some disturbingly hilarious—and occasionally sincere—personal confessions.

---

How the Game Works (07:20)

• Each participant (including the hosts) submits several true stories on the episode’s theme, “pain.”
• Eight stories are chosen, anonymized, and read aloud by the producer.
• After each story, panelists try to guess whose story it is, while the real author tries to mislead them.
  • Correct guess: +2 points
  • Fooling someone: +1 point per person fooled
• Final four stories = double points (45:30)
• Winner takes home the coveted “Maui Revealed” travel guidebook.

---

Key Moments & Discussions

---

Setting the Tone & Crowd Energy

Skankfest is at full throttle. The hosts throw barbs and hype the crowd, teasing both the game and each other.

• “Skankfest in New Orleans is like no other Skankfest. I'll tell you right now, it's palpable.” (Luis – 00:59)
• Immediate banter about Lewis’ failed attempt at throwing a Styrofoam object, which already signals a night full of self-owning and ridicule (00:39–02:00).
• The panel’s chemistry is as much a part of the show as the actual game.

---

Meet the Contestants

1. Dave Smith – “They love him here at Skankfest. They hate him on the subreddit.” (02:34)
2. Sam Tallent – “I’m very flattered. Thank you, guys.” (03:42)
3. Nick Mullen – “This is the only podcast I've done this year.” (Nick, 05:34) ... “No. But I’m warming up to lie.” (05:37)

---

STORY ONE:

“I experienced terrible pain when I had to pull a turd out of my ass with my hand after opiate constipation.” (11:21)

Discussion Highlights:

• Everyone immediately suspects everyone else. Luis, Dave get the most heat.

• “Out of everyone on this panel, [Dave] has the most able to pull something out of his ass with his handshake. It’s just literally like a hole in, like, a flat thing.” (Luis, 12:32)

• Nick finally claims it after much misdirection and bravado: “Always accuse people of being Indian. That’s goal number one.” (Nick, 16:59)

• Nick details how post-gum surgery opiates led to weeks without a bowel movement, panic reading on Reddit, and a horrifying—yet successful—DIY solution. “Your asshole is a lot stronger than you think it is. It’s a very powerful muscle.” (Nick, 18:15)

  Notable Quote:
  “I did it myself. Fingers up there, little grublets, and your asshole is a lot stronger than you think it is.”
  — Nick Mullen (18:12)

Score after Story 1:

• Nick Mullen takes an early lead with a perfect score. (19:26–19:32)

---

STORY TWO:

“In elementary school, I went to my friend's brother's funeral... When his dad shook my hand, I said ‘how you doing?’ A family member slapped me and whispered, ‘his son’s dead. How the hell do you think he's doing?’” (19:48)

Discussion Highlights:

• Everyone zeros in on Sam Tallent, which is correct.

• Sam admits his writing style gave him away: “My friend Jesse's older brother was a rodeo clown...” (24:11)

• Story context: Jesse’s brother’s death (after eating an eight ball when pulled over), awkward kid etiquette, and a formative slap from grandpa.

  Notable Quote:
  “My grandpa fucking biffed me in the back of the head and said, ‘His son’s dead. How the hell do you think he’s doing?’ And then I didn’t talk again at a funeral.”
  — Sam Tallent (24:31)

Sam bemoans: “If you're a rodeo clown, you want to go out being kicked in the back of the head by a bull.” (25:03)

Score after Story 2:

• Sam Tallent remains scoreless, Nick stays in the lead (26:22)

---

STORY THREE:

“I once got in a bar fight over a guy disrespecting the girl I was with…I challenged him outside…He then beat me up in front of my friends, including the girl.” (26:47)

Discussion Highlights:

• Panel tries to deduce—Everyone suspects Luis, but he vehemently denies it.
• Dave Smith is the true author: “I was very drunk, but I thought I was winning the fight... He fucking cracked me right in the nose...” (31:34)
• “Let me tell you something about this part of your nose...the adrenaline didn’t mask it at all, dude, it hurts so much.” (31:45)
• Admits the embarrassment of waking up to a bloodied shirt and a broken ego.

---

STORY FOUR:

“I broke a finger over a year ago and it still feels painful today.” (37:33)

Discussion Highlights:

• The group scrutinizes everyone’s hands, inspecting pinkies for deformities. Lewis tries misdirecting but—correctly—everyone lands on him.
• Confirmed: “It was the Jiu Jitsu tournament last year. My pinky got fucking torn apart by Tim Butterly...” (41:43)
• “To this day, it is in a lot of pain. Thank you, Skankfest Jiu Jitsu tournament.” (41:57)

---

Halfway Scores (42:16)

• Nick Mullen leads with 8 points, followed by Luis, Dave, Jay, and poor Sam—still holding a record-low score of zero (43:40).

---

Halftime Plugs & Banter (43:10–45:40)

• Brief round of comedy plugs and gratitude—then back to the game.

---

DOUBLE POINTS ROUND (45:40)

• “For the final four stories…we go double points.” (45:40)
• Stakes are raised; the room gets competitive.

---

STORY FIVE:

“I’ve almost punched two women for laughing at me being in pain.” (47:17)

• Panel guesses fly between Louis and Big Jay, but it’s Big Jay’s story. (50:30)

  Notable Quote:
  “Being naked, wet, on the ground, in pain and being angry...I would have had to hit her to make her be afraid of me in that moment.”
  — Big Jay Okerson (52:06)

• Jay recounts being laughed at (naked, in the shower, concussed) by two girlfriends at different times and almost losing it.

---

STORY SIX:

“About eight hours into making a complicated Thanksgiving dish, I cut my hand on a food processor and got blood all over the meat. I had spent so much time, I just finished it and served it to my family.” (55:37)

• Suspected to be Sam Tallent (too many words!), but it’s Nick Mullen again: “Soup dumplings...boil down pig ears...filled with blood and no one ate any.” (58:38)
• Classic Mullen: “To be fair, I went to Thanksgiving and I was like, just to let everyone know, this is filled with blood. And no one ate any.” (58:49)

---

STORY SEVEN:

“When I was 14, a girl hit me with a perfect elbow to the face. I’m pretty sure it broke my nose.” (64:28)

• Overanalysis leads to confusion; it’s Dave Smith again, from an exhibition basketball game against the girls’ varsity. (67:38)

  “We were the worst team in the school’s history…they were the best girls’ team. And at one point she just fucking swung and hit me with a perfect elbow. I’m pretty sure it broke my nose.”
  — Dave Smith (68:17)

---

STORY EIGHT:

“As a kid, I busted my kneecap and my parents had to bathe me. During one bath, they noticed my pubic hair for the first time.” (72:16)

• Wild speculation; nobody wants to claim it. Turns out to be Sam Tallent, whose cast-bound leg kept him from bathing himself at 12, and whose dad loudly alerted his mom: “Hey, Bets, guess who has pubes?” (77:27)

---

Notable Moment: Sam Barely Escapes Zero

Sam is on the verge of Story Warz shame with zero points—easily the night’s subplot. He manages a save in the final round, ending his (and the game’s) humiliation streak.

---

Final Scores

| Place | Name | Points | |-----------|-----------------|--------| | 1st | Dave Smith | 19 | | 2nd | Nick Mullen | 16 | | 3rd | Big Jay Okerson | 12 | | 4th | Luis J. Gomez | 10 | | Last | Sam Tallent | 6 |

• Dave Smith wins his first Story Warz, taking home the “Maui Revealed” guidebook!
• Sam Tallent escapes historic disgrace—ending with 6 points.

---

Best Quotes/Memorable Moments

• “Your asshole is a lot stronger than you think it is.” — Nick Mullen (18:15)
• “If you’re a rodeo clown, you wanna go out being kicked by a bull.” — Luis J. Gomez (25:03)
• “I've never been punched in the face, but I've been punched in the stomach and kidneys… mostly by five-eight Latinos.” — Sam Tallent (32:47)
• “It would have been better if I got no points, honestly.” — Sam Tallent (78:31)
• “God is dead and we killed him.” — Sam Tallent (81:18)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:39 – Intro banter and setting the scene
• 07:20 – Rules explanation
• 11:21 – Story 1: Nick’s opiate constipation saga
• 19:48 – Story 2: Sam’s funeral faux-pas
• 26:47 – Story 3: Dave’s bar fight defeat
• 37:33 – Story 4: Luis’ broken pinky
• 45:40 – Double points round begins
• 47:17 – Story 5: Jay almost punches women
• 55:37 – Story 6: Nick’s bloody soup dumplings
• 64:28 – Story 7: Dave gets elbowed by a girl
• 72:16 – Story 8: Sam’s pubes-and-parental-bathing tale
• 79:32 – Winner announced: Dave Smith!

---

Summary and Vibe

A live, chaotic, deeply irreverent episode filled with self-roasts, gallows humor, and a surprising amount of vulnerable honesty about pain, both physical and emotional. The contestants’ ability to needle each other, the game’s sly psychological warfare, and the unfiltered New Orleans Skankfest vibe make this a classic Story Warz episode—both gut-bustingly funny and uncomfortably real.

---

For fans of deceptive storytelling, inside-jokes, and unsparing self-mockery, this episode is a masterclass in comedy gamesmanship.

Transcript

[Alex (Producer)]

Fill her up.

[Dave Smith]

You're listening to the gas digital network, Skank fest new orleans.

[Sam Talon]

Are you ready? Please welcome the story warriors, big j. Okerson and lewis j. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, man. Oh, man. That throw was such a whiff.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It wouldn't have been much better if it was a baseball.

[Big J Okerson]

God damn, that was hilarious. What's up? Welcome to Skank Fest.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The Joy Theater. We.

[Announcer/Host]

We.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We've sold it out. It's packed here. This, the energy surro. Skankfest in New Orleans is like no other skank fest. I'll tell you right now, it's palpable.

[Big J Okerson]

I've heard that word, palpable. I mean, do I even have to waste. I mean, is this the stupidest show to ask?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You have to ask. It's a tradition, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is there anybody not familiar with Story Wars?

[Big J Okerson]

Anybody?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Kill them. Drink their blood.

[Big J Okerson]

I can't wait till this is like Rocky Horror and dudes are coming in skirts and shit. We will explain the game. For some reason, the people at home, I guess, after we get our esteemed panel up here. How about it, everybody? Everybody, Everybody, everybody, everybody. Our first contestant. You know him and love him as your favorite political figure on part of the problem. You might know him. You might know him as one third of the Legion of Skanks.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Legendary.

[Big J Okerson]

The legendary Legion of Skanks. Make some noise for the great Dave Smith. Dave. Dave.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They love him.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave. Dave.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They love him here at Skankfest. They hate him on the subreddit.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, did you get a chance to see Louis throw the styrofoam thing?

[Dave Smith]

I have not, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

It was awesome.

[Dave Smith]

Wait, hold on, hold on. Did it happen on the subreddit? No, but I don't fucking pay attention to that bullshit.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it looked like he threw a napkin. It was crazy. He threw it in a defied gravity. It was like American Beauty. I watched it soar. It was beautiful.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Our second competitor on Story wars, you know him from the Chubby Behemoth podcast. Clap it up for the legendary Sam Talon.

[Sam Talon]

They do like you.

[Big J Okerson]

They do.

[Sam Talon]

Hey, thank you.

[Nick Mullen]

Thank you.

[Sam Talon]

Thank you so much.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank. Thank you.

[Sam Talon]

I'm very. I'm very flattered. Thank you, guys.

[Big J Okerson]

Last but not least, our third and final.

[Sam Talon]

That's it. Okay. All right.

[Dave Smith]

We are.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey. We get everybody out, and then we get a banter.

[Sam Talon]

No.

[Dave Smith]

Sam Talents in the goddamn building. Show some respect.

[Sam Talon]

There might be a moment of ban.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Usually there is.

[Dave Smith]

No, no, no, no, no. That's not enough. I said Sam Talons in The goddamn building.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what? Hang on.

[Dave Smith]

I swear to God, we leave right now. If you can't do better than that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hang on.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going to Late Night Talk. Show it. So, Sam, tell me about your first few hours here in New Orleans.

[Sam Talon]

Oh, man. Hey, let's get the next guy on.

[Big J Okerson]

Last but not least, our final competitor up here. You know him from his special, the Year of the Dragon. So young, yet already a legend. Go fucking crazy. For the hilarious Nick Mullen in the house.

[Sam Talon]

Hello, everybody.

[Big J Okerson]

Me, me, me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nick.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nick. I would banter with you, but I feel like that would be disrespectful to Sam at this point.

[Dave Smith]

You pieces of shit are gonna disrespect Nick Mullen like that? Damn it, Dave, Let Nick Mullen hear it. God damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you.

[Nick Mullen]

Thank you very much. I'm excited.

[Dave Smith]

I'm sorry.

[Nick Mullen]

This is the only podcast I've done this year.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is it really?

[Nick Mullen]

No. But I'm warming up to lie.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting ready.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

Ooh.

[Big J Okerson]

All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It is a game of deceptive storytelling.

[Nick Mullen]

You explain the rules outside. I think I understand. I'm gonna win.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna win.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're a liar and a scumbag. So this is the perfect show for you.

[Dave Smith]

Nah, things are getting pretty hyped over here on this side of the table now. Anyway, if these faggots want to talk some more, let them know. What do you guys got?

[Big J Okerson]

Dave, this isn't Legion of Skanks. We don't say the F word here. So, Louis, you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we have. We have a silver plaque from YouTube.

[Big J Okerson]

We just always write our name down. Right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What you say, Sam?

[Sam Talon]

You said, always write your name down.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, never write your name down. I was giving you the rules.

[Big J Okerson]

Never write your own.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sometimes they write their name down, it becomes a whole thing.

[Nick Mullen]

Write your name down.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Don't write your own name down.

[Nick Mullen]

I want everyone to know whose board it is, man.

[Sam Talon]

No, this isn't a live feed.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We are going to get demonetized from YouTube, guaranteed on this episode of Story Wars. Guaranteed. There's no way. Let it go. Because the gloves are off.

[Big J Okerson]

By round three, Nick Mullen's answer is gonna be just a drawing of Muhammad. I don't know. Is this who it is?

[Dave Smith]

This will be the only episode of Story wars, exclusively Streamed on rumble.

[Big J Okerson]

Truth.com. truth.com.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So there are people at that don't have to play the game. That's the Muhammad. Or is that seven seconds? That's Muhammad.

[Sam Talon]

You should Work on the boardwalk.

[Nick Mullen]

Did I? I won, right?

[Big J Okerson]

You think Muhammad's a homeless Santa Claus? I like his beanie hat.

[Nick Mullen]

That's what Story wars is, right?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Nick Mullen]

It's the Holy Quran. The greatest story ever told.

[Big J Okerson]

Goddamn right. No doubt. If you're unfamiliar with Story Wars, I guess at home listening for the first time, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject is pain. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories in no random order, and read them off one.

[Dave Smith]

At a time, given just by giving this crowd a once over. I'd say all of you are in pain right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

No, it's cool. Thank you for coping by coming here.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah, yeah, we know. We've heard your demands. They've gone unanswered yet again. Hopefully you brought your orthopedic shoes. All the rascals are sold out in New Orleans.

[Nick Mullen]

Way to go.

[Sam Talon]

They're so fat and they have to stand for so long.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's crazy. We have more chairs than we've ever had at Skank Fest. The amount. When you guys see the amount of chairs tomorrow at Mardi Gras World, you're going to fucking. You're. You guys are going to be so happy. Chairs. Cheers.

[Sam Talon]

You're not getting chairs. You know where you are. All right. The scam's been perpetrated.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Talon]

You're going to get crushed against that barricade.

[Big J Okerson]

If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every time you guess the story correctly.

[Announcer/Host]

You get two points.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every time you fool a person on.

[Announcer/Host]

The panel, you get one point.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So if it's your story, you have an opportunity to get four points. It's a very big opportunity. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board. Put the dry erase board in the slot. Remove your hand. That is it. You can't change your answer. That's your final answer. Okay, so I'll tell you right now. Hold on.

[Dave Smith]

What if my hand's still touching the board? I can still pull it back at any time.

[Nick Mullen]

Yes. Are we the only three competing?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No. All five of us are competing. We said that already. Nick. God damn it. God damn it, Nick. I know you just got off an.

[Nick Mullen]

Airplane 8 minutes ago playing dumb.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna start off here's the thing. This game is a ton of fun. You guys are gonna have more fun than you've ever had on a podcast. But we don't play for fun.

[Announcer/Host]

Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

[Big J Okerson]

Every week here on Story wars, we're competing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner, the new story Warrior goes home with Maui Revealed. The Ultimate Guidebook, 6th Edition by Andrew Daltrey.

[Sam Talon]

Daltrey's good. Daltrey's very good.

[Big J Okerson]

Maui Revealed is the guidebook that makes planning a trip effortless. It highlights the beaches, waterfalls, and day trips that actually live up to the hype, giving you a clear path to the island's best experiences. Every page is built to help you get the most out of every hour you spend in Maui.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And I'll tell you that that's not all. There's also these little highlighter tabs that you can highlight pages with that are just stuck to the inside of the front cover. You get those as well.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a sixth edition, by the way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a huge deal.

[Big J Okerson]

Very, very big deal. All right. I think everybody who gets it is going to get it, right?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think so.

[Big J Okerson]

Now, without any further ado, are we ready for war?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Skank Fest 2025 Mardi Gras. Let's fucking go. Are you ready for war?

[Big J Okerson]

Dan, if you would, please. Alex. Story number one.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number one. I experienced terrible pain when I had to pull a turd out of my ass with my hand after opiate constipation.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Look, we've all had opiate constipation, as.

[Big J Okerson]

Always was Louis, There was an error.

[Dave Smith]

I agree. I didn't like the attitude of the. It was a very like, let he who hath cast no sin throw the first stone.

[Sam Talon]

It's a lot better than methamphetamine diarrhea.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I doubt that.

[Sam Talon]

That'll ruin a haunted house.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There was an entire.

[Dave Smith]

Now, that being said, I'll tell you, from knowing what I know of everyone here, this 100% could be true of Jay, but he would never admit it. I'm looking at this side of the.

[Nick Mullen]

Table, but that's not Jay admitting it. No, dude, it's anonymous.

[Dave Smith]

Well, I mean, this would be the first step.

[Sam Talon]

You're talking a lot, Dave. I think it's Louis, you're really.

[Dave Smith]

I'm not saying I've never been there. I'm just saying I've never reached.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I will say, Dave, out of everyone on this panel, has the most able to pull something out of his ass with his handshake. It's just literally a hole in, like, a flat thing. Whatever Dave's ass is.

[Big J Okerson]

Also, look at his fingers, dude. Those things are fucking real. Fucking turd grabbers. You really get your hooks around a locker.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah, yeah. Do it yourself.

[Big J Okerson]

All right?

[Nick Mullen]

This is my shit. I own it. I take it out of my ass myself.

[Dave Smith]

I'll say.

[Nick Mullen]

Everyone. The government doesn't get any of it.

[Big J Okerson]

The government shouldn't get involved in this. I agree, Dave.

[Dave Smith]

Well, excellent points all around.

[Sam Talon]

I'll say.

[Dave Smith]

The problem with pinning it on me is Dave Indian.

[Sam Talon]

Answer the question.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. The guy's a mystery man.

[Sam Talon]

He lives in the class or the fucking question.

[Nick Mullen]

Dave, are you Indian?

[Sam Talon]

Mr. Smith.

[Nick Mullen]

That's an Ellis island name if I've ever heard one.

[Sam Talon]

Dave Smith.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave.

[Sam Talon]

Sure.

[Dave Smith]

I'm not on trial here, okay? Everyone has an equal chance of this being their story. And yeah, sure, that would make sense if I had ever done drugs, but I haven't.

[Big J Okerson]

This guy is a politician.

[Sam Talon]

Well, if you haven't done drugs.

[Dave Smith]

All right, fine, maybe I've done a couple, but opioids. That seems a bit extreme.

[Big J Okerson]

You said opioids.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Opioids.

[Dave Smith]

Opioids.

[Big J Okerson]

That makes me think it's him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Huh? Opiates.

[Sam Talon]

That's how they pronounce it in India.

[Big J Okerson]

Both works, but. Oh, did you.

[Dave Smith]

Oh, you guys got the generic.

[Nick Mullen]

Even when I. When I was.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I know you've done. Look, me and Mullen have done a little bit of cocaine and some bathrooms together in our time.

[Nick Mullen]

Yes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

On this planet, were you ever an opiate guy? No.

[Nick Mullen]

No. I only really. It was kind of your fault I became a cocaine guy, but outside of that, I do. I've done a decent amount of Kratom. And I would say that's also your fault for getting me into podcasting.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Shout out to your Kratom. The sponsors your Kratom in the house, guys. Give them some love.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah, we would never say a bad thing at the Yo. Kratom Comedy Festival. Kratom's a safe alternative. I like the red one. I like a drug that comes in colors. Excuse me? A supplement that comes in colors. Now, that blue, that's a bit much sometimes, but that red, boy, howdy. Does it not at all emulate an Opiate Hyatt in the least.

[Nick Mullen]

I. I buy the one that's called Train Wreck.

[Sam Talon]

Sure, yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Sam Talon]

It's a great film, too. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Widowmaker. I like Widowmaker.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, all right, look, Sam, have you ever had issues with opiates oh, I've.

[Sam Talon]

Done all the drugs. I love it, but.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Sam Talon]

I've never had a problem dumping. That's the big flaw in this.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, that's. No, that's an opium problem.

[Sam Talon]

I know. I've never. I've always had a spigot on, and I have chubby fingers. Also, I'm a much better writer than that fucking dribble that was resuscitated. Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, Sam, do we put a dollar amount?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, Sam. No. No, Nick, you write whose story you think it is at two.

[Big J Okerson]

Curious. So, what, you would wager.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam $50,000?

[Big J Okerson]

Okay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dave for zero dollars says Sam. I'm getting. I'm getting Sam vibes.

[Sam Talon]

Son of a. Sam.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Talon is my vote. You got a darkness in you, Sam. Jay.

[Sam Talon]

No, I have diarrhea.

[Big J Okerson]

This could be le. Wow. You think it's me?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J always wants me to vote for myself every time Big J writes me, and every time he's wrong. What a fool writing your name, though. What a fool you are. Cool.

[Dave Smith]

Oh, now I think it's loose.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What an embarrassment. He didn't even write a dollar amount for $1. Alex, all of our stories are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. Story number one belongs to Nick Mullen.

[Big J Okerson]

No way.

[Dave Smith]

So he got a perfect score on that opening.

[Nick Mullen]

Always accuse people of being Indian. That's goal number one. You start there. Everybody's on the defense.

[Big J Okerson]

That's fantastic. That's a great fucking method. Nick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You lied to us. You had opiate constipation.

[Nick Mullen]

It was prescribed. I had gum surgery. And then they put me on Vicodin for a week, and they didn't tell me that I wouldn't be going to the bathroom.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And then I didn't shit for, like, two weeks. And then I looked up on Reddit. What happens if you. I was like, I should probably go to the doctor. Right? If I didn't shit.

[Sam Talon]

Yes.

[Nick Mullen]

If you go to the emergency room and you tell them that you don't shit, they hold you down and fist you and pull it out of your ass.

[Sam Talon]

Oh, I thought they jumped on your belly.

[Nick Mullen]

I found a Reddit post from a guy that's like, I just. Did you report from the hospital? And I think I've been traumatized. And they held him down. It was like a grown man.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you only read one post, though?

[Nick Mullen]

What's that?

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like that was a guy. That happened, too. I don't think it's like, something happened.

[Nick Mullen]

That's enough for me, not going to the hospital if that's the answer.

[Big J Okerson]

Was there A bunch of people, they're going like, was that Mercy General or so? Like, they were like, oh, I know that place. That's how they do that.

[Nick Mullen]

No, I did it myself.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow. Holy shit.

[Sam Talon]

You have turd grabbing hands now, that I love.

[Nick Mullen]

Fingers up there, little grublets. And your asshole is a lot stronger than you think it is. It's a very powerful muscle.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Because the rest of me is, like, weak and enfeebled at this point. But that. It's hanging on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But you got it out.

[Nick Mullen]

I did, yeah. Surprisingly, in one pull.

[Sam Talon]

It's like a horse's tooth.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. It's like the size of a softball.

[Dave Smith]

Wait, so you reached in, you grabbed the turd?

[Nick Mullen]

I pulled it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was like.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, pulled it. And I was, like, hoping it wouldn't break. Cause then you have to go back in there. It was like the end of Independence Day when the fucking door. When the doors are closing.

[Sam Talon]

Did you say it's a boy?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Sam Talon]

You gotta do a bit with the turd.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I finally.

[Nick Mullen]

I have the opposite problem now. I quit vaping over the summer, and then I didn't shit for a while. No, you can't. It's bad. You gotta stick to zins and the gum and having a cigarette every once in a while and doing everything but.

[Sam Talon]

Being rude to your wife. Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

I've had, like. I know. I've had diarrhea for, like, two months.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, beautiful.

[Nick Mullen]

Thanks.

[Luis J. Gomez]

One story down. Great story, Nick. Thank you. Alex, where are our points at after one story?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. On the scoreboard, in first place, with four points, Nick Mullins.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, story number two.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number two. In elementary school, I went to my friend's brother's funeral. His dad greeted everyone at the church door. When he shook my hand, I said, how you doing? A family member slapped me in the back of my head and whispered, his son's dead. How the hell do you think he's doing?

[Dave Smith]

All right, look, everybody, when you hear that a child was slapped, you're gonna think, Louis. But it doesn't mean that it was Louis.

[Sam Talon]

Right, but also dead child, I think Mullen.

[Nick Mullen]

No, I mean, there was way too many commas and punctuation in that. It's this guy for sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's Sam for sure.

[Nick Mullen]

Sam for sure. Look at him.

[Big J Okerson]

It could be Cathro. A hurl here.

[Nick Mullen]

There was a semicolon in there.

[Big J Okerson]

So Dave Smith.

[Sam Talon]

There's no semicolon.

[Nick Mullen]

He sent that in on a. He got a typewriter out.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah, it was like Truman Capone.

[Nick Mullen]

Would you say yeah, it was a cigarette. Click and click. I'm gonna be the best in story wars. I'm a real writer. I don't. I don't do obious. I'm a real writer.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it is a bit of a novel.

[Sam Talon]

What the hell? Well, now if I fucking, you know, protest too much, I look guilty.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nick votes for Sam Tallent right away. Nick has never been more positive about anything in his entire life.

[Sam Talon]

I don't like the comment.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave Smith grew up in 90s Brooklyn. Biggie Smalls.

[Dave Smith]

You're gonna try to throw the focus.

[Big J Okerson]

Onto me Biggie Smalls territory. And I bet one of his stupid Uyghur friends. Brothers got killed in gangland warfare.

[Dave Smith]

Sure, plenty of them did. But that doesn't mean this story's about me.

[Big J Okerson]

And then Dave's little smarmy Jew boy who acted like a jerk off at a funeral.

[Sam Talon]

Like I wasn't allowed to talk at funerals as a child.

[Big J Okerson]

Huh?

[Sam Talon]

I wasn't allowed to, like, talk at funerals.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, well, that's probably why your family member snapped you.

[Sam Talon]

I don't like when your eyes light up.

[Dave Smith]

Jay, for 100%, knows this isn't a story about me. And now I'm suspecting Jay a little bit.

[Big J Okerson]

I grew up in West Philly, dude, where the streets was real.

[Sam Talon]

I feel like you guys went to a lot of dead kid gatherings. Like, all three of you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That was the alternative name for Skankfest. Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

My neighborhood had a lot of fucking soap written on the back of a window. RIP Jamal and shit like that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I mean, Dave grew up amongst wiggers. Jay grew up among.

[Big J Okerson]

I know the rhyme felt.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I know really was. I'm back in that rap competition.

[Big J Okerson]

You got to think of the long term.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I understand what you're saying. This is story wars, black people. That is true. But I think Nick's right. This is turkey hand. Turkey. This is. This is beautifully written.

[Sam Talon]

This is funny. I'm going with Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I appreciate the compliment, but that means it's definitely you.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Boom.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting Sam talent vibes on this one.

[Dave Smith]

I'm going to go. There's no way Jake could pull off that. That writing.

[Sam Talon]

Now if everyone copies my answer, do.

[Nick Mullen]

I get their points? Is it like, because I guess first, do I get more points?

[Sam Talon]

No one's getting any points, Alex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number two belongs to Sam Talon.

[Sam Talon]

I fucking knew when I put periods and shit in these.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. No.

[Sam Talon]

That I was going to be butt fucked. And I assume the producer would clean it Up. So it sounded retarded, but no, the fact that elementary school is spelled right was a dead giveaway.

[Nick Mullen]

Your ego. Your ego did you in here.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah. And guess what?

[Nick Mullen]

I. You had to be the smartest guy at story wars.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And even.

[Nick Mullen]

Even trying to play it dumb.

[Sam Talon]

Shut up.

[Nick Mullen]

Bust out the typewriter, by the way.

[Big J Okerson]

Two sets of quotes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

How you doing? Well, it's. And then a family member slapped me and whispered, his son's dead. How the hell do you think he's doing?

[Nick Mullen]

How do you differentiate cold winters at elementary school?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Shut up.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no.

[Nick Mullen]

I prepared my father's pipe and brought it to me on the steps of the church.

[Dave Smith]

Sam, can you. Can you tell us about this story?

[Sam Talon]

Yeah. My friend Jesse's older brother was a rodeo clown.

[Nick Mullen]

And.

[Big J Okerson]

Holy shit. What?

[Sam Talon]

Yeah, I grew up, like, pretty much in cold blood. Like, I grew up in the high plains of Colorado, and I was a rodeo clown.

[Big J Okerson]

And he committed suicide.

[Sam Talon]

No, he.

[Big J Okerson]

He died rodeo clowning.

[Nick Mullen]

He ate drugs.

[Sam Talon]

When he got pulled over, he ate, like, an eight ball and he died. And then we had to go to this cowboy funeral, and a bunch of, like, men in, like, tucked in, you know, wrangler shirts into blue jeans were weeping, and I was just walking through there, blowing it. Hey, how you doing? My grandpa. Thanks for editing out Grandpa. That did a lot of good. My grandpa fucking biffed me in the back of the head and said, his son's dead. How the hell do you think he's doing? And then I didn't talk again at a funeral. So.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, if you're a rodeo clown, you know, you want to go out like a rodeo clown wants to go out, being kicked in the back of the head by a bull.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. I gotta tell you, when you said he was a rodeo clown, I made the suicide joke because I assumed the story was going to be about him dying. Rodeo clown.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And then it was just some other sad shit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, he had nothing to do with the story. Really?

[Sam Talon]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, just so you know, this guy was a doofus, and then he died.

[Sam Talon]

He wasn't a doofus. He was incredibly brave. He was a bullfighter. I mean, that. That takes stones.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but he had a dress like a bull fight.

[Sam Talon]

Well, he wasn't a bullfighter.

[Nick Mullen]

He was a rodeo clown.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, it's the same thing, man.

[Nick Mullen]

That's like saying, oh, yeah, my. You know, my. My uncle was one of the 911 first responders. Yeah, no, he was part of fire brigade at Ringling.

[Big J Okerson]

El Matador. The clown.

[Nick Mullen]

A clown firefighter I hope some guy.

[Sam Talon]

With a big belt buckle gives you a wedgie.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, he won't, because I'm going to win tonight.

[Sam Talon]

Oh, that'll. That'll earn the Cowboys respect.

[Nick Mullen]

They will respect me. Finally, I'll have big cowboys.

[Announcer/Host]

Yes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Two stories down. Alex, we're a report.

[Sam Talon]

I'm boned for the rest of the goddamn game.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. In last place with zero points, Sam Talent.

[Dave Smith]

I got you.

[Nick Mullen]

I got you.

[Alex (Producer)]

Tied for second place with two points each, Big J Okerson, Luis J. Gomez, and Dave Smith. And in the lead with six points, Nick Mullen.

[Dave Smith]

Big, big start for Nick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Anybody's game still, folks, Alex, story number three.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number three. I once got in a bar fight over a guy disrespecting the girl I was with. I challenged him to step outside. He then beat me up in front of my friends, including the girl.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What do you. You think I'm a. You think I'm a pussy? I would have fucked that guy up. Are you out of your. That's crazy.

[Dave Smith]

Lewis does seem still pretty defensive about taking.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Chill. What are you doing? What are they.

[Dave Smith]

I can't see theirs.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You guys are assholes.

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, you guys threw that down really fast. And me and Dave know Lewis better than anybody, and I.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You would know the story. I've never lied. Yeah, I would never lie.

[Nick Mullen]

I lied once. I've been right the entire time.

[Big J Okerson]

He's lied to you before.

[Dave Smith]

That almost convinced me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I will tell you right now, Jay and Dave, you would both know this story specifically. But I know I got beat up in front of my girlfriend.

[Nick Mullen]

The lady dog protest too much.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis, you dealt so much. You do so much that eventually the old I heard has to, like, get out of my brain to make room for the new. You've done you recently sword fight.

[Nick Mullen]

This is also. This is Louis brain. Louis would tell this story and be like, no one's gonna think I got.

[Big J Okerson]

Beat up for sure. That's why I think it's him mostly, but. Cause also though it could be one of those stories. Like, he did tell us this.

[Dave Smith]

100%. He could have told us this. Also, when Louis first went, you guys would have heard this story. I was about to write down Lewis, and now I'm thinking it's you, dude.

[Sam Talon]

To be fair, to be honest, I.

[Dave Smith]

Feel like you're throwing me off.

[Sam Talon]

I need to beat it up at a bar ever. I have to be transparent.

[Big J Okerson]

You would know that.

[Dave Smith]

I would know that.

[Sam Talon]

Louis, when you sent me the first.

[Big J Okerson]

Draft, it was outside of the bar.

[Sam Talon]

When you sent me the first draft of your book and then I ghost wrote the rest of it. This story was in there. So I just have to. I don't know if I still get.

[Big J Okerson]

Points, but you think a little bit.

[Sam Talon]

It wasn't spelled this well.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dave, what are you doing?

[Dave Smith]

Oh God, Lou.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a follower.

[Sam Talon]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Nick Mullen]

I really hope it's right. Ye.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Nick, by the way, on the ball bag. Dude, when I say I got beat up in front of all these people and a girl he would never like, but that's the rage he carries inside of him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're all idiots. First of all, this is not me. Second of all, you. Somebody just cleaned the up. I think it's Dave Smith. Dave Smith.

[Nick Mullen]

Dave was my second choice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dave was a wigger through and through in high school.

[Dave Smith]

Lewis, I didn't lose this fight. You did, bro. If you want to vote for me, go ahead. I'll take the loss.

[Big J Okerson]

Be so sad. Oh, Dave.

[Dave Smith]

It's gotta be Dave.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Because I was thinking. I'm telling you, it's not me. I wouldn't waste this much time. You guys. Everyone in here, you're all a bunch of idiots. Everybody in this building, you're all retards.

[Dave Smith]

It's obviously Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I hope this place is burns down during Hate Breed and you all die like that. White was.

[Big J Okerson]

Great White.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Great White concert. I hope you burn to death, every one of you. Dave Smith is my. You dumbasses.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number three belongs to Dave Smith.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What I tell you, you stupid dude.

[Sam Talon]

I copied Nick. Nick wrote it down first. Nick's been bulletproof.

[Big J Okerson]

I got him at the end. He couldn't look at me.

[Nick Mullen]

I knew you guys would copy me.

[Dave Smith]

This guy beat the shit out of me. I was. Look, it was. I think I've told you guys this story before, but I tried to disguise it in better words. I don't know.

[Nick Mullen]

I've done.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis has even knocked your stories out of my head. He's got so many.

[Dave Smith]

It was. I was at college. I mean, it was like the first few weeks, I didn't do. I went to college. I took no courses. I failed everything. And I left. But for the first few weeks, we went out to bars a lot. And I was there, it was like with a group of friends of mine, but new friends. Like, I'd only known them for a few weeks. And there was a girl that I was like talking to. And then someone, a guy said some slick shit to her. And I said to him, I go, why don't we step outside so we Did. And a bunch of friends, including that girl, came and watched us. And if I could describe it.

[Sam Talon]

I.

[Dave Smith]

Would describe the fight. I was very drunk, but I thought I was winning the fight. And then I know at one point he fucking cracked me right in the nose, dude. And it was a shot I did not see coming. And I don't know, like, it. You know, sometimes if you're in a fight, you get hit by a shot and you're like, it would hurt, but there's the adrenaline running, so it doesn't really hurt. Well, let me tell you something about this part of your nose. At least for me, the adrenaline didn't mask it at all. Dude, it hurts so much. And I was. He hit me, and I was bleeding so much. I mean, my shirt is covered in fucking blood in, like, a second. And my eyes were watered up, and I was choking on blood. And then all I remember is getting hit a lot. And then my friends broke up the fight. And then I remember waking up very hungover with my face hurting, and then looking at my shirt and seeing blood everywhere, and then remembering that all of them watched me get beat up.

[Sam Talon]

It's like we were there.

[Dave Smith]

It's pretty much a regular episode of Legion of Skanks is what happened to me outside that bar.

[Sam Talon]

I've never been punched in the face, but I've been punched in the stomach and the kidneys. A bunch of cause like little guys by the rodeo clown.

[Dave Smith]

Have you been fist fighting midgets your whole life? What is this?

[Sam Talon]

Mostly, like, five, eight Latinos. And they just beat the shit out of me, but never in the head. And then I go to school the next day, and they're like, take your shirt off. Show us. And you do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, three stories down. Where are our points at all?

[Alex (Producer)]

Right? In last place with zero points, Sam Talon. In fourth place with two points, Big Jay Okerson.

[Sam Talon]

We're right there, Jay.

[Alex (Producer)]

In third place with four points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The fuck's going on with this crowd?

[Big J Okerson]

You win all the time, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay? I don't care. Win tonight. I will win tonight, and I will burn this book in front of you, Louis. That's right.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right, Louis. You can't. You can't burn Maui Revealed. It focuses on what you should actually do once you're on the island. It breaks down the top activities. It shows you what each area offers and gives simple notes so you always know what to expect. It points you toward beaches, restaurants, and scenic spots that visitors consistently love. Keeping your days organized and your choices. Easy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex. Our points.

[Alex (Producer)]

In second place, with five points, Dave Smith, big jump. And in the lead with six points, Nick Mullen.

[Nick Mullen]

That was my second. I could have.

[Announcer/Host]

All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Prize Picks for being a longtime supporter of your favorite podcast. Prize Picks makes watching sports tolerable for me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm not a sports guy.

[Announcer/Host]

Jay, you love football, you love basketball, you love all of your Phillies teams. But when I'm watching sports with you, I feel like a little bit left out until Prize Picks came along when you actually got a little skin in the game and it's an actually easy game to play.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, it's very, very simple. You take two to six players across any sport and you're just going against their projected stats, more or less. It's that simple. More or less than their projected stats. For example, Jalen Hur is going to throw three touchdowns this Sunday in the playoffs against the stupid Dan Soder 49ers. I'd say more. I think he's gonna throw five. So that's how I would play it. That's how I'm gonna play it over at Prize Picks. I'm gonna go above more and I'm.

[Announcer/Host]

Gonna say less and then we're gonna break even because we're gonna, we're gonna.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Put the same amount on it.

[Big J Okerson]

Go download the Prize Picks app right now and use that Code Wars W A R Z warz to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. They also very cool. You can cash out your winnings before the game's even over. It's so cool. Again, the Prize Picks app go over there. Use the Code wars warz for that 50 in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineups. Prize picks. It's good to be right.

[Announcer/Host]

Let's take a moment and thank Ridge Wallet for supporting the show. Ridge Wallet is the coolest wallet on the planet. Let's get real. I have my Ridge wallet right here. It's my front pocket wallet. Very simple. You throw your cards in it. You got your cash and a little money clip. You don't need a big, ugly, leathery wallet. You're not a grandpa. You're not a fucking World War II veteran. Let's get real. You're cool, you're slick. You, you're in tune. You're listening to podcasts. You need a cool wallet that's going.

[Big J Okerson]

To match international spy who just happens to listen to Story wars once in a while.

[Announcer/Host]

Premium materials like aluminum, titanium, leather and carbon fiber over 50 colors and styles. You can customize it with accessories like the cash strap or the ridge tracker card. Just a really, really incredible little piece. Great gift for that. That guy in your life that wants something really cool. If you don't want to get him, this is the perfect birthday gift.

[Big J Okerson]

If you like buying guys gifts like Lewis does, I do. Every wallet comes with RFID blocking technology, which is good for those scammers, those filthy RIC 99 day risk free trial and a lifetime warranty. It's the last wallet you're ever going to need. And also for your everyday travel essentials. They have more than just the wallets. They have key cases, suitcases, portable chargers and they're all premium top quality for a limited time. Story wars listeners can get 10% off at Ridge by going and using the Code Wars Warz at checkout, head over to ridge.com w a r z head over to ridge.com use the code wars and you're all set to go. 10% off. Worth it every day. This got me through Christmas. It's a great gift. It's great for yourself. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Support the show. Let them know Story War sent you. All right, let's get back into it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, Story number four.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number four. I broke a finger over a year ago and it still feels painful today.

[Sam Talon]

Wow, someone's been out of the public eye recently.

[Nick Mullen]

Someone also had to dig into their ass to pull it.

[Big J Okerson]

And the ass muscle is very strong. It could have broke a finger.

[Nick Mullen]

Strong anus, weak fingers.

[Sam Talon]

There's very little effort put into this.

[Dave Smith]

Now didn't Lewis break his finger in the slap fight contest?

[Luis J. Gomez]

First of all, the slap fight, I did break my finger. That was maybe five years ago.

[Dave Smith]

That's a good point.

[Big J Okerson]

I have.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, but technically that is over a year ago.

[Announcer/Host]

Hold on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's over a year ago. But that. I mean, where's your butter? Me? But that's not.

[Dave Smith]

Never once heard Lewis talking about how his fingers.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No. And I know both of you guys. If either one of you broke your fingers, I would know for a fact the story.

[Big J Okerson]

I've. Listen, that's what was weird when I saw this one. What do you guys.

[Nick Mullen]

What's this?

[Big J Okerson]

I had this story. I don't know if I broke it, but I my finger playing basketball and it hurts always. Forever.

[Nick Mullen]

I don't know.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah. What's that middle finger doing?

[Nick Mullen]

It's fine.

[Sam Talon]

Looks gross. Looks gross and weird.

[Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Can we all hold up our fingers?

[Big J Okerson]

Normal. Normal.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam, look at your pinky. What is that way, Sam, your right pinky. Show me your right pinky.

[Big J Okerson]

They're both. They're both the same, though.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Turn it to the side.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a thing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's a crazy looking pinky.

[Big J Okerson]

No, my sister's got those weird. Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam, is your pinky broken?

[Sam Talon]

I plead the fifth.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Why does it look that way?

[Sam Talon]

I've been this way my whole life.

[Big J Okerson]

Has those. Those fingers. It's a weird thing.

[Sam Talon]

My mom's toes were webbed. I got crooked fingers. My dad's a drunk.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My mom's toes are webbed.

[Sam Talon]

They were.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean. Sam, have you broken a finger recently?

[Sam Talon]

I've never broken a finger in my entire life.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Sam Talon]

I have very stout fingers.

[Nick Mullen]

But he wouldn't say. He would say. This is eaten like a. They would say. And it still hurts. It it not. It still feels painful today.

[Sam Talon]

Sometimes more is better.

[Big J Okerson]

Seems like a guy who's under a lot of stress. Being the main attraction at a festival. Having the fart out of story real quick.

[Sam Talon]

Someone who barely gave a shit at all about it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I've. I. I mean, I haven't broken a finger recently.

[Sam Talon]

Airport.

[Big J Okerson]

Recently. Everyone keeps saying recently, but this says over a year ago.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Over a year ago could technically mean anytime. That is life.

[Dave Smith]

That is very.

[Big J Okerson]

I believe. Except for one. I've said Louis 100 of the time tonight. But I'm. God damn it, I'm doing it again. This is Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Where's your vote?

[Big J Okerson]

Jay, you're gonna be good because you're not my boss.

[Sam Talon]

I feel like he's in a lot of positions where fingers are getting jammed or broken too.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely. As he's always around.

[Sam Talon]

We know that.

[Big J Okerson]

Karate outfits with a bunch of guys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting Sam talent vibes. Only because I'm looking at your fingers and they look mangled. Your hands look. Your pinky is mangled.

[Big J Okerson]

You're mistaken. Broken for, like, inbreeding issues.

[Sam Talon]

This is the hand of a man who lived a big life.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is crazy.

[Sam Talon]

They're elegant, too.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm putting my vote in Sam Tallent. Here it is.

[Sam Talon]

Your finger is clearly weird and wrong. Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nick. What a waste.

[Sam Talon]

You know, Nick, when you point one finger, there's a certain amount pointing back at you.

[Big J Okerson]

Gomez can seem to trouble. Cool.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's no problem, Alex. All of her answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. Story number four belongs to Luis J. Gomez.

[Dave Smith]

Wait, was it. Was it the slap fight?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It wasn't slap fight. It was the Jiu Jitsu tournament last year. My pinky got fucking torn apart by Tim Butterly. And look, my pinky's also misshapen, Sam, like yours. And it. To this day, it is in a lot of pain. So thank you. Skankfest Jiu Jitsu tournament.

[Dave Smith]

Hold on, Tim. Butterly. Your son?

[Luis J. Gomez]

My own son. Your own son? My own son did that?

[Big J Okerson]

Holy.

[Dave Smith]

I didn't see that.

[Sam Talon]

Runs in the family.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at? Four stories down.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. Heading into halftime with zero points, Sam Talon.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Now, Sam, you should know that in the history of story wars, 65 episodes or so, nobody has ever gotten zero points. So you're halfway there, my friend.

[Sam Talon]

Records are made to be broken. I need this more than any of you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fourth place with four points, Big J Okerson. In third place with five points, Dave Smith. In second place with six points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with eight points, Nick Mullen.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They love him. Real quick, we'll do some. Some plugs. You know what? We can plug them in a little bit later. How about that? Let's keep the show going. We'll plug. I don't.

[Dave Smith]

I don't think we need a plug on this show, Louis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What'd you say?

[Dave Smith]

I don't think we need a plug.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We don't need a plug. We'll plug them in later. Guys, subscribe to Gas Digital. Get the On Demand library.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I guess we'll plug your thing. I'll be in Salt Lake City next week.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's our thing.

[Sam Talon]

Denver Comedy Works. Thanksgiving.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know what? We'll go around, plug some stuff. Nick, what are you plugging in my phone?

[Nick Mullen]

That's literally all I have going on in my life. I'm, like, so worried I'm gonna choke now and blow it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam, Talent. What are you plugging?

[Sam Talon]

Denver Comedy Works.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Magoobies.

[Sam Talon]

Acme comedy club. Go. Sametown.com Very cool.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dave Smith.

[Dave Smith]

The best goddamn comedy festival in the fucking country. Skank Fest. Thank you guys for coming out. But also comicdavesmith.com I got a lot of dates and very a lot of television.

[Nick Mullen]

See it.

[Big J Okerson]

Next week.

[Dave Smith]

I will actually be in the west bank.

[Big J Okerson]

Big J. Bigjaycomy.com I'm all over the place. Big J's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. I'm all over the place, so I'll be coming near you somewhere. Come see me sell shows out, please. I love it. And I'll keep adding. So if you guys keep coming, I'll just move to the place. How much do you love me? I'll come stay at that place if you never stop coming, of course. Listen to the bonfire faction talk Sirius XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly five days a week and come on, you know it. The flagship show of skank fest, Gas digital network, the legion of skanks, everybody. Oh, and also I'm live streaming on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

YouTube and guys, just go to guest digital subscribe get the uncensored ad free version pre release of all episodes. The archives use the promo code war. Save a couple bucks a month and you go to my website, see me live on the road. Lewisofskanks.com and really, that's it. Second half. We're ready to go, guys. Sam talent very far behind. Nick Mullen with a sizable lead over the rest of us. Big J, let him know what's up.

[Big J Okerson]

Sam, you are one great round away from being not only in this, but possibly tied for first.

[Sam Talon]

I have no doubts I'm going to come from behind.

[Big J Okerson]

You can. And that's because for the final four stories every week here at Story wars, we go double points.

[Dave Smith]

I have no idea it they're doubling the points.

[Nick Mullen]

You can't do that.

[Sam Talon]

They just did.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's right, Nick. We've turned the show on its head.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm going to kill myself. If I lose, I'm going to kill myself. How's that for pain?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, that'll be a story for next time.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm dead.

[Sam Talon]

And I don't hurt at all anymore.

[Nick Mullen]

I feel great.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a pretty simple concept. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got got one point and if you guess the right person, you got two points. And now that jumps up to double points.

[Nick Mullen]

So I want to win. I really want to win.

[Sam Talon]

I do, too. I'm furious.

[Big J Okerson]

That's the beauty of the game. You come thinking we're going to have a good time just telling stories. I don't give a. No, listen, I've had to really adopt that belief. I'm like, well, we're having fun, right? Who cares who wins? Because I've won six times and I think or over 100.

[Nick Mullen]

I just played solitaire on the plane for like three hours on the way here and I didn't want to deplane because I was having such a. I was winning. I was close to winning, right?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

And I get that feeling by the third round of this game always. People are very emotionally invested. So I think Alexandra, story number five.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number five. I've almost punched two women for laughing at me being in pain.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's too on the nose. Guys.

[Dave Smith]

I. Oh, Listen, I'm. I'm open to this. Could be anyone. But I have an L written on my.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I would follow through. I wouldn't almost punch. I would just punch these two bitches.

[Dave Smith]

Okay. And now I've written to you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How dare they laugh at me for my plea. I've written to you.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave's hangmanning.

[Sam Talon]

I feel like this is too on the nose for Louis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I agree.

[Big J Okerson]

I've almost had a woman. Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

Jay, this is a bit. This could be anyone. Look, we've all almost punched two women.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I haven't at least. What is that almost?

[Dave Smith]

Jay, you've almost punched two women tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, were those women? Damn, they were big.

[Sam Talon]

Now that's being an ally.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I'll tell you what. Girl or not, that felt fair. Fight.

[Nick Mullen]

Lewis, is this you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, it's not me.

[Nick Mullen]

Is this you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It is not me.

[Dave Smith]

All right. I would say this is Louis. You didn't submit this story. Does this apply to you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Can I. Yes. Have I almost punched women in my life?

[Announcer/Host]

Sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

For laughing at me. No.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna write in Dave's eye.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting Big J vibes over here. I think that there's a little bit of right. Am I right? I'm right about this, right? I'm getting Big J vibes. I don't know why. I just feel like the way.

[Big J Okerson]

Because you're trying to throw people off the trail of.

[Dave Smith]

You look at Lewis. He's trying to get everyone to think it's Jay. I think it's Louis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Maybe.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe fall behind if this is wrong.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J is trying to get the voting going early for me.

[Big J Okerson]

Early? Yep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Early.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave.

[Dave Smith]

You think it's me? You think I almost punched two women?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam, Talon votes for Dave for the.

[Dave Smith]

Crime of laughing at me.

[Nick Mullen]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I will say I've watched Dave be violent against women.

[Sam Talon]

So that means he didn't do this one.

[Dave Smith]

I'm not sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What, are you drunk?

[Big J Okerson]

Don't say that.

[Nick Mullen]

Dave. Dave tried to do ones he thinks people would think was loose. Lewis. So it's got to be Dave.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Maybe. Oh.

[Sam Talon]

The game within the game.

[Alex (Producer)]

You.

[Dave Smith]

You think I would have punched two women almost for the crime of laughing at me?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, now I think it's Dave. Do you think it doesn't say it's almost punched?

[Dave Smith]

It was the first time women ever laughed at me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, my vote is for Big J. Okerson.

[Nick Mullen]

No, it was Jay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dave Smith votes for Big jokes is.

[Nick Mullen]

It's got to be Jay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of her answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number five belongs To Big J Okerson.

[Dave Smith]

No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Your friends know you, dude. We know that you hit women. Almost.

[Dave Smith]

We know that you almost hit women.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We know that you would hit women if you weren't such a.

[Big J Okerson]

You guys.

[Dave Smith]

For thinking it was me. I never fucking.

[Big J Okerson]

I was throwing them onto your trail.

[Sam Talon]

My intuition is so fucking bad.

[Big J Okerson]

Your writing, though, is spotless.

[Sam Talon]

Well, you said turn in three sentences.

[Big J Okerson]

This is.

[Nick Mullen]

Damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

The two women I've almost punched for laughing at me being in pain was my girlfriend right out of high school. We took a shower together in a very small shower. She wasn't big, but I am. And it got slippery and I fucking went fucking ass over T.K. i mean, I went, like, feet straight up in the air. Came down, clunked my head on the fucking. The edge of the fucking B.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And that's where you got the idea for the flux capacitor.

[Big J Okerson]

And that's where it came to me. 1.21 gigawatts times 88 miles per hour. We can get back to the future. No, I clunked my head. And she just had, like, nervous, like. But she started just laughing at me. Being in real, real pain with my bird soft now from clunking my head. And I'm just like, you're nude and.

[Sam Talon]

Wet and in pain.

[Big J Okerson]

Nude and wet and laughing at her. Yeah. So, I mean, it's a bit of exaggeration. I almost punched her, but, I mean, I was furious that she was laughing at me. And being naked, wet, on the ground, in pain and being angry. Doesn't. I would have had to hit her to make her be afraid of me in that moment. And then the other was your ex girlfriend, Karen Margolis.

[Dave Smith]

Jay also fell in the shower with her.

[Big J Okerson]

We were in the shower.

[Sam Talon]

She was very hurt.

[Big J Okerson]

She came over to my house one time with her boyfriend at the time, not Louis, and we were going to dinner. And I remember this is before I lived with Christine and the roommate. She had had an oddly placed couch where it was, like, underneath the lip of a bar. And I sat. As soon as they came in, I was like, hey, guys, check out the place. And I sat back with everything, all fucking, God knows, 300 pounds of me into the back of my head, clunking. I mean, I saw stars. I went down so hard. And I was. I mean, I made noises and everything. And she started again nervously laughing. And, I mean, I was like, I don't know. I probably said terrible things in my head. I hope I didn't say out loud, oh, no, I think I did. I was Like I said to her boyfriend, I was like, dude, get her out of here. Almost punched two women.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, beautiful.

[Big J Okerson]

And that's part of a soliloquy called I almost punched two women.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's beautiful. Alex, where are points at?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right? In last place with zero points, Sam Talon.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And I'll tell you, Sam is trying. Sam is not. I can tell you're trying to win this game right now, and you're just failing.

[Big J Okerson]

But we can also tell you, and I think. Right. Oh, by the way, we should have done this way earlier. How about it for our fucking crew? G. Mike and Alex over there fucking working hard. Best crew in the goddamn biz.

[Luis J. Gomez]

G. Mike is gonna be fighting our intern Josh at Skank Fights. Very exciting.

[Dave Smith]

Is that tomorrow or Saturday?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't know. Tomorrow?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. Hey, Mike, train for one of those days. I know. And Josh is just such a nice dude.

[Dave Smith]

G. Mike, are you fighting tomorrow or Saturday?

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, tomorrow.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn.

[Sam Talon]

G. What's the. What's the G stand for?

[Dave Smith]

You want. You want them to fight right now?

[Luis J. Gomez]

That.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you guys are right.

[Dave Smith]

Seems like a crazy, weird request.

[Big J Okerson]

It's on site.

[Alex (Producer)]

Alex tied for third place with eight points each. Big J. Okerson and Nick Mullen.

[Sam Talon]

How the mighty has fallen.

[Alex (Producer)]

In second place with nine points, Dave Smith. And in the lead with 10 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Sam Talon]

What the hell?

[Nick Mullen]

All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Victory will be mine, Alex. Story number six.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number six. One time, about eight hours into making a complicated dish for Thanksgiving, I cut my hand open on the blades of a food processor and got blood all over the mead. I had spent so much time working on it that I finished it and served it to my family.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Once again. It's so crazy, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Day 47. I'm beginning to lose hope.

[Nick Mullen]

Too many words.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Too many words.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a funny.

[Sam Talon]

It's not me, but it's too many words.

[Nick Mullen]

A food processor.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a novella.

[Big J Okerson]

Not.

[Nick Mullen]

I cut my hand.

[Big J Okerson]

That was when I had a spiritual awakening.

[Dave Smith]

I. I almost shut up, lady.

[Sam Talon]

I've never. I've never could.

[Dave Smith]

All right, look, I mean, I know this is.

[Sam Talon]

I don't even like food.

[Dave Smith]

I would have heard about this if I were you. I know that Nick will never have a family. And the only answer here is Sam.

[Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nick is not preparing a meal for anybody on Thanksgiving.

[Nick Mullen]

Zero points. Zero points.

[Dave Smith]

The most wholesome thing Nick could do on Thanksgiving would be order KFC for Stavros.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's the most.

[Dave Smith]

That's the best I could do.

[Nick Mullen]

I do that every day. Every day. We haven't spoken in two years, but I send seamless KFC to his house every day.

[Sam Talon]

That's a good friend. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Sam, when it's your story, it's. It's really the opportunity to rack up some points or any points, if one person thinks it's not you. And I figure, I feel you're about to walk out of this. Convince me, for the sake of you getting a couple points, that this isn't you.

[Sam Talon]

I wanted to be a good guest. I followed the rules. They said send. Send three fucking sentences. So I did. I'm very grateful for you guys in my life. I don't watch the show. I don't know. I'm very busy writing long bullshit.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh.

[Sam Talon]

It'S jay for sure. It was jay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay. Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right, everybody. Story number six belongs to Nick Mullen.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No way.

[Nick Mullen]

Soup dumplings. It was soup dumplings you have when.

[Sam Talon]

You lived in Chinatown.

[Nick Mullen]

You have to, like, boil down pig ears for like eight hours to get the collagen.

[Sam Talon]

Collagen.

[Nick Mullen]

And then you have to blend the collagen with the filling. Blend it up. And then I went to get it out, the filling. It's the last step. And I just completely fucked my hand up and like, filled like, maybe an eighth of a cup of blood in there. Now, to be fair, I went to Thanksgiving and I was like, just to let everyone know, this is filled with blood and no one ate any, like, whose blood? But look what a good job I did. I just wanted. Cause it did turn into soup when you've seen it. And that's what the goal of cooking.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What the fuck is going on?

[Sam Talon]

Yo, what's going on is the greatest comeback in the history of the game.

[Nick Mullen]

Yes.

[Dave Smith]

I mean, pretty incredible.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right? In last place, with zero points, Sam Talon.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Talon]

It wasn't my story.

[Alex (Producer)]

He guessed, Big J. Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Fuck.

[Sam Talon]

But hey, that's not the point.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Zero. Fuck.

[Sam Talon]

It was. It was pretty cool. Anyway, everyone was stoked. It was a magic moment in the history of the game. But, yeah, still zero. Guess what? I don't want any possessions, man.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fourth place with eight points, Big J Okerson. In third place with nine points, Dave Smith. In second place with 10 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

And in the.

[Sam Talon]

Thanks, guys.

[Alex (Producer)]

With 16 points, Nick Mullen.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow, it's a huge lead right now. Two more stories, Alex.

[Sam Talon]

To be fair, I thought I got points for not. That's how bad I'm doing is that. I was like, I Had to feel.

[Big J Okerson]

There was a reason. You were drawing everybody's.

[Nick Mullen]

Who gave me some of your points?

[Sam Talon]

Me for sure. And I thought that I. I was winning.

[Dave Smith]

How about.

[Nick Mullen]

How about Lewis gives half his points to Sam?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I'm. Listen to me.

[Sam Talon]

I don't want him. I'm coming back.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That Sam talent has zero points. Nobody's ever done zero points.

[Dave Smith]

How about Lewis gives half the money he makes from this festival to Sam? That's what I say. Are we just playing?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam? I will give you half of the debt that I'm going to incur this year at Skank Fair.

[Dave Smith]

You just won $50,000 of debt.

[Sam Talon]

It'll fit in.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here at Story wars, and that is Bubs Naturals. Come on. You want to feel young again? Me and Lewis are old as balls. But Bubs Natural Collagen Peptides help you turn back the clock and restore collagen levels to what your body had in its youth. They have no sugar, sweeteners, fillers. It dissolves in any liquid without taste or clumps. It's third party, lab tested, NSF certified and Whole 30 approved. I think that's all of it. That's all the stuff.

[Announcer/Host]

It's clean, trustworthy, sustainably sourced energy. It makes you feel great. I'm telling you right now. Collagen is great for everything from your skin to your hair to your joints. My knees are so much better because I've been taking collagen daily. And Bub's Naturals just has great ingredients across the board. The best collagen peptides in the world. But they also have electrolyte supplements, MCT oil creamer and more. Live better longer for a limited time. Story wars fans are getting 20 off at Bubs Naturals by using the Code Wars W A R Z at checkout. Once again, that's Bubs B u b s naturals.com use the promo code Wars W A R Z and you're all set. Okay, Sorry, warriors. Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. Body Brain Coffee is a company that I started a while ago and it genuinely is just a great coffee brand that has adaptogens and nootropics blended in that'll make you feel just like the best version of yourself. Tonkat Ali is sort of the secret ingredient that naturally supports testosterone.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tongkat Ali.

[Announcer/Host]

Oh, yeah. What it is blended with Tongkat Alij.

[Big J Okerson]

No. I killed him with nunchucks. Nuna chucks I killed him with nunchuks. The nunchuka and my bow staff.

[Announcer/Host]

It's got lion's mane, which helps with brain function and memory. Ashwagandha.

[Big J Okerson]

And Lewis gathers all the lines made himself. I do one trip to Africa, Dude. And the hair clippers.

[Announcer/Host]

Five.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Five. It's not actually lion's hair, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

What? It says lion's mane.

[Announcer/Host]

Have you been thinking you've been drinking lion's hair this entire time?

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, I was gonna try to get in ground level, your company by going and shaving lion's manes off at the zoo, but I keep getting stopped when I try to get into the cage right now.

[Announcer/Host]

Just go to bodybraincoffee.com genuinely a great product. Look at our reviews on Amazon. Look at our reviews on Shopify. People love Body Brain Coffee. I should be saying it's great because it's my company, but the reality is. Don't listen to me. Listen to what the reviews are saying. You can get it on Amazon. You can get it and America on Amazon and you can subscribe on the website. But if you guys go to bodybraincoffee.com right now and use the promo code War20. War20. You're gonna save 20 off your order today. Buy a couple bags. Buy one for yourself. Buy one for that man in your life that you think is Low T. Bodybrain Coffee dot com. All right, where were we?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex? Story number seven.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number seven. When I was 14, a girl hit me with a perfect elbow to the face. I'm pretty sure it broke my nose.

[Sam Talon]

Perfect elbow, Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Perfect elbow.

[Sam Talon]

You would know a perfect elbow. You've been training your entire.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What's a perfect elbow?

[Dave Smith]

What does that mean?

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, what's the perfect elbow?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is it like a.

[Nick Mullen]

What is that?

[Dave Smith]

Is it a rock bottom or a move from Mr.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Perfect?

[Big J Okerson]

Perfect.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No. I don't know. I don't know what this is. This is not me. This is not me. I will tell you right now. I've never. I would never let a hit me.

[Sam Talon]

Well, it didn't say I would.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I would. My nose would break. Her elbow.

[Big J Okerson]

I've seen you request a woman to hit you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I like being hit sometimes if you can spit in my mouth and smack me in the face, that's pretty sick.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like you fought. But I watched Lewis do it.

[Sam Talon]

You fought a lot of girls.

[Dave Smith]

Girls.

[Nick Mullen]

No, it's gotta be Lewis.

[Sam Talon]

I mean, well, with that confidence behind it.

[Announcer/Host]

I don't know.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm just thinking about the points.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm thinking maybe Dave.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no girl that grew up in Brooklyn again, man. There's some thuggy out there, man.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I've.

[Dave Smith]

I've gotten in some fights in my day, but I have not been hit with the perfect elbow from a girl.

[Sam Talon]

Also, he said. Said that he knows exactly what a broken nose felt like in the previous story. And this says I'm pretty sure it broke my nose. So I feel like he would know.

[Big J Okerson]

If it broke the broken nose expert. So it's not him.

[Sam Talon]

You're saying he said earlier that he took that punch in the face and he knew exactly what.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dave does have a ass nose. You're right, Sam.

[Nick Mullen]

But. But Lewis's parents wouldn't take him to the doctor.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's a good point.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis's parent.

[Nick Mullen]

Parent wouldn't take him to the doctor.

[Sam Talon]

She did the work of two, didn't she?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam, how tall are you?

[Sam Talon]

Six, four.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Six foot four.

[Announcer/Host]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're a big guy. There's no girl that's getting up there to hit you in the nose. How that be possible?

[Big J Okerson]

It doesn't say. A flying perfect elbow to the face.

[Sam Talon]

It wasn't off the top rope unless.

[Dave Smith]

Unless Sam was on his knees at the time. It doesn't add up.

[Sam Talon]

I do get a little funky.

[Big J Okerson]

She came in like Katana from the ceiling.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm going.

[Dave Smith]

I don't know. I don't think this is either or you two. I think it's over here. And I'm trying to count up how many stories each of you have had so far.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It doesn't matter. We've had people. Whoa, Nick, come on. Why are you constantly coming at me this weekend? Nick, we just got started, dude.

[Announcer/Host]

I don't know.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm trying to do the math.

[Dave Smith]

Nick coming at you was enough to convince me that it's Nick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J says Dave. All right, Dave says Nick. We got a lot of different voting going on.

[Nick Mullen]

Gotta do, Louis. I'm getting, getting.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting a Big J vibe right now.

[Sam Talon]

Gotta do Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Huh?

[Nick Mullen]

Gotta do.

[Sam Talon]

I gotta do Lewis.

[Nick Mullen]

Come on, I'm helping you out here. It's Lewis.

[Sam Talon]

Oh, yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Please. All right.

[Nick Mullen]

Don't listen to me.

[Sam Talon]

I'm not listening to you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J. Okerson is my vote. None of us have any idea.

[Big J Okerson]

I would have a bit about this.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our answers are in. Seven stories down. We got one more story out. Alex, whose story is story number seven?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right, everybody, Story number seven belongs to Dave Smith.

[Announcer/Host]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Yo. Dave started yapping. Dave started yapping so much.

[Dave Smith]

Right to the.

[Big J Okerson]

But Davey you gave. You were like, it's not these guys. I'm thinking something over here. It was just a lot of.

[Dave Smith]

I thought I handled that pretty well.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude.

[Dave Smith]

I was.

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, you got everybody but me. Dude.

[Dave Smith]

It was a. So here's what it was. There was a basketball game between. So I had. This is true. In my girl. I was. I was on the j. Junior varsity basketball team.

[Big J Okerson]

Girls.

[Dave Smith]

No. Well, let me get to it.

[Sam Talon]

Oh, was it shirts versus shirts?

[Announcer/Host]

So was a.

[Dave Smith]

We had a preseason exhibition between the junior varsity boys team and the varsity girls girls team and the junior varsity.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dave put the Jew in junior varsity.

[Sam Talon]

Excelsior.

[Dave Smith]

We were literally. We were the worst team in our school's history. We went 2:18 and they were the best girls team in our school's history who won the State Championship at 2 and 18. We them up so badly. And at one point in the game. You know how you ever try to, like, wrestle with a child?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

That's what it's like to play with.

[Luis J. Gomez]

A basketball with a girl. It's my favorite pastime.

[Dave Smith]

And she just fucking swung and hit me with a perfect elbow. I'm pretty sure it broke my nose, but she hit me right in the nose. And I. And that was the end of it. And she was like, oh, shit, I'm sorry. And I went, no, it's cool. But I was in so much pain.

[Big J Okerson]

You're like, that's okay, Caitlin Clark.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

And then that's why I've rooted for the black girls. Beating her up ever since then.

[Big J Okerson]

Eventually black women will get you for this.

[Sam Talon]

Caitlyn.

[Big J Okerson]

Caitlin Clark.

[Sam Talon]

You went home and wrote Juana.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Man.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave, that hit.

[Sam Talon]

I didn't know if that would work here you.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer)]

All right.

[Sam Talon]

Sam Talent. Great guy.

[Alex (Producer)]

Heading into the final story with absolutely no points. Points, Sam Talon.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is a record breaking evening. If Sam talent can get zero points, it's never been done.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fourth place with 10 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are you booing me?

[Big J Okerson]

Wow, you're a villain, dude. Look at the.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Shut the entire floor.

[Alex (Producer)]

Security.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Get everybody out of here right now. Fuck you all.

[Big J Okerson]

No one likes a Puerto Rican vampire.

[Alex (Producer)]

In third place with 12 points, Big J. Okerson. In second place with 15 points, Dave Smith. And in the lead with 16 points, Nick Mullen.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What a close game, folks.

[Big J Okerson]

Sam, you are mathematically completely uninvolved. But you still have to play, which I know is humiliating. A little bit.

[Sam Talon]

It's just nice to be asked. I don't think it'll do a lot of cool Stuff. So.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Sam Talon]

I mean, being the worst, that's also like being the best, kind of.

[Nick Mullen]

By the way, as Lewis had a. A single one yet. Has there been a Lewis store yet?

[Sam Talon]

Yeah, like a ferret bit him or something. I can't remember.

[Big J Okerson]

But here's the thing. We've gotten to this point with someone having zero points.

[Sam Talon]

Who was it?

[Big J Okerson]

I think a few times, right? But no one's ever finished zero. He has two points.

[Alex (Producer)]

Our lowest score of all time is two points.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Big J Okerson]

They guessed right the last one. All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Zero is the championship of its own.

[Big J Okerson]

Holy. This could be a first. Are we gonna make history tonight?

[Sam Talon]

If I'm too smart for your stupid game, no one will be surprised.

[Big J Okerson]

No one would be surprised if I.

[Sam Talon]

Blew it because I can't lie to my friends. Then yes, I'll wear that cross like a silent Christ.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't. I don't. I feel like you're being upset and I don't like it. I want you to be happy.

[Sam Talon]

I'm not mad at all.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank God. I don't believe him. Alex. Holy shit. It's story number eight.

[Sam Talon]

I think it's the last one.

[Alex (Producer)]

Story number eight. When I was a kid, I busted my kneecap and my parents had to bathe me.

[Big J Okerson]

Gay.

[Alex (Producer)]

During one bath, they noticed my pubic hair for the first time.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Talon]

Why is this me?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Sam Talon]

You think my father bathed? I was like 6 foot tall when I was 12 years old by.

[Dave Smith]

Wait, am I the only one who thinks none of this makes sense? But you busted your kneecap, and so as a result of that, your parent went, gotta put you in the bath.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, here's the thing. Even if they put you in the bath, then leave, I'll take care of the rest. Yeah, my kneecap's busted. I can wash my own.

[Luis J. Gomez]

During one bath. Not even that bath. It's almost like a separate. A separate thing having nothing to do with the first part of the story. One of countless baths, they noticed pubic hair for the first time. This story is iconic.

[Dave Smith]

Well, my sweet little 16 year old, unfortunately I'm gonna have to bathe you for a while.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, they say, kid, though, let mama wash your penis.

[Sam Talon]

I don't know you guys. Well, I'm enough. But this is pretty up.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

This is crazy. There's no way to tell to go.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Big J Okerson]

It's not exactly how it sounds.

[Nick Mullen]

This is either schizophrenia or some sort of Jewish ritual.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. All right, I'm listening.

[Nick Mullen]

J. Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

That's fair. I'll listen to a convincing Argument about.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Myself for this one also, I feel like it says parent. Do you mean rabbi? I understand.

[Sam Talon]

This could just be a thing you guys did anyway. Louis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Me.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Talon]

Your mom could have scrubbed you up.

[Big J Okerson]

This could be a Puerto Rican ritual.

[Dave Smith]

Of sorts, but at the same feels ethnic and Jewish. It does. This does seem like Jay's villain origin story.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Sam Talon]

Oh, yeah. Aren't you into humiliation?

[Big J Okerson]

My mother gave me a bath and saw my dick hair.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Kind of.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Nah, dude.

[Nick Mullen]

What?

[Big J Okerson]

Don't you dare say that about Terry. She wouldn't bathe me. This is my stepfather There. That would have called Child protective Services.

[Luis J. Gomez]

None of it makes sense.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, it's crazy.

[Dave Smith]

Lewis.

[Sam Talon]

J. Oh, it's final vote.

[Announcer/Host]

Fuck.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's either Jay or Sam. I thought it was Sam until Jay just started freaking out.

[Big J Okerson]

Sam or Nick.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay's now freaking out trying to throw it on Sam.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it's fucking Lewis, but it's not.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, the eyebrow thing.

[Nick Mullen]

What did Dave vote?

[Sam Talon]

Dave voted for me.

[Nick Mullen]

He voted for you?

[Sam Talon]

Yes.

[Dave Smith]

I voted Sam.

[Sam Talon]

Notorious Giant Chamber.

[Nick Mullen]

Nick, is there a way? Is there a way I win no matter what?

[Big J Okerson]

Mo.

[Nick Mullen]

If I guess the same person as you?

[Dave Smith]

You could. If you want to think about the math, you probably could do a Jeopardy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J. O.

[Big J Okerson]

See, that makes me think it's Lewis. Oh, wow.

[Sam Talon]

I think. I think now it's Dave.

[Nick Mullen]

It's got to be Dave. Dave's gonna. Dave, you piece of.

[Big J Okerson]

This is pivotal. This is pivot. Let me tell you why.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Why?

[Big J Okerson]

It's not me. It's not me for sure. So if you voted for me, you're done. How could I jump in?

[Sam Talon]

Are you for real?

[Announcer/Host]

You got me.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a waste.

[Dave Smith]

Hey, Jay. Everyone. You don't have to explain it. Everyone's in except you.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm doing math. What do you want?

[Sam Talon]

Oh, yeah, Dave, huh?

[Nick Mullen]

Or it's Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This. This blonde chick is hammered and just yelling Hate Breed at us.

[Big J Okerson]

You want me to vote for Hate Breed? Wait, do you take my hand away. I'm going to lose.

[Dave Smith]

Come on. Wait, hold on. Do you think Hate Breed's going to come on any slower or faster because of your.

[Big J Okerson]

They're backstage right now with their instruments holding their dicks like they have to pee.

[Nick Mullen]

Like.

[Big J Okerson]

Do you.

[Dave Smith]

Hold on. Do you think in this moment when all of us have our stories up and. And only were waiting for Jay and you shouted Hate Breed, we'd go, ah, fuck. All right, we gotta get out of here, guys.

[Sam Talon]

We can't wait. Are we keeping Hate Breed?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay, you gotta get Your answer in here, Hate Breed has to come out.

[Big J Okerson]

They always hear him whisper through the thing. He goes, come on. That chick needs us. This is big. Don't fucking rush me. This is big. I could win here. Could you, Sam? Nick, I'm gonna go. All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Eight stories down, and it is our final story. Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right, everyone, final answer. Story number eight belongs to Sam Tal.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Nick Mullen]

I should have voted for. I should have copied his answer. I should have copied your answer. I would have won.

[Sam Talon]

Yeah, I would have won. Yes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Nick Mullen]

You could have given me a wink or something.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sam. What? What? What is this crazy story that I'm not even understanding?

[Sam Talon]

They cleaned it up, too. They dumbed it down. Yeah. Like, I. I, like, tore my whole knee out in sixth grade, and I was in, like, a full leg cast, and I couldn't reach certain parts of my body, so my father had to give me baths for a while. And in the story that I turned in, my dad actually yelled out, hey, Betsy. Which was my mom's name. Hey, Bets, guess who has pubes? Which was in the story that I gave you guys, and you dumbed it down. That was too funny and beautiful.

[Alex (Producer)]

So Sam Lewis doesn't have parents, so I thought it would give away that it's not him.

[Sam Talon]

Or pubic hair.

[Dave Smith]

True.

[Sam Talon]

Never grew in. He actually schluffs it. That's why they call him the rattlesnake.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Sam Talon]

Thank you for making it dumber, but, yes. I perpetrated the greatest crime in Story wars history, and I do not have a zero, which is a relief.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm really happy you got points, but thank you.

[Sam Talon]

It would have been better if I got no points. Honestly.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It would have been better if you had no points because you didn't win. This is. You know.

[Big J Okerson]

But he played Giant Killer.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He did play Giant Killer. Alex, give us our final scores.

[Alex (Producer)]

All right. In last place, with six points, Sam.

[Sam Talon]

Talon, Mark of the Beast, hate breed.

[Alex (Producer)]

In fourth place, with 10 points, Luis J. Gomez. In third place with 12 points, Big J Okerson. Second place, scored 16 points. And your winner tonight with 19 points, Dave Smith.

[Dave Smith]

Holy.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave Smith.

[Nick Mullen]

I was so close.

[Big J Okerson]

You had it. No one thought he could do it. Hey, guys, you.

[Dave Smith]

Let me just say, best Gang Fest ever, man. I'm gonna get out of here.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna get out of here.

[Dave Smith]

You guys enjoy the rest of the weekend without me. I'm gonna jump on a plane and head back home. Build your own roads. You can get back home if you want to find me. Just follow Your own road that you.

[Big J Okerson]

Built, you get to take home Maui Revealed, which also spends time on the practical safety details.

[Dave Smith]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Garbage that matter once you start exploring. It points out our beaches with strong currents and roads that demand extra attention. It's guidance that keeps your trip fun, smooth, and safe from start to finish. Dave, what did you do with it?

[Dave Smith]

I. It's here. I'll give you guys a book report tomorrow. Thank you guys so much for coming out to Skank Fest. What a fun week we're about to have, huh?

[Sam Talon]

And, hey, thank you guys very much for putting. This is the best. Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

How about it for the entire panel, everybody? Nick Moen.

[Sam Talon]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

The great Sam Talent. Have you won before, Dave?

[Dave Smith]

Now, this is my first time ever winning anything.

[Big J Okerson]

So, Dave.

[Nick Mullen]

Huh?

[Dave Smith]

What do I have to say?

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Huh?

[Big J Okerson]

Now?

[Dave Smith]

I just can't. You gotta say it into the microphone.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I can't. I just can't hear you.

[Dave Smith]

What am I supposed to say?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You say double points. I just.

[Dave Smith]

I'm sorry, dude. I'm trying my best.

[Sam Talon]

Double point for me, for me, for me. Yes. Yes. I beat your ass.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm.

[Big J Okerson]

I got 12 now, Dave, it's your birthright.

[Sam Talon]

God is dead and we killed him.

[Big J Okerson]

Take it. All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's your privilege, Sam.

[Sam Talon]

You.

[Dave Smith]

Double points. Legion escapes.

[Big J Okerson]

You can't act like that doesn't feel fantastic. Fantastic. Thank you, Roots, also, for being here up there in the back. Thank you, guys. The Roots Quest, Love Black Thought and the Gang. How about a big round of applause for our panel tonight? It's been amazing. Thank you guys so much.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Our newest story Warrior.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you guys for hanging out. We'll see you all weekend, everybody. It's Skank Fest. I'm Big J. Okerson. That is the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. We'll catch you next time. Good. No, you're it.