076. Shane Gillis, Brad Williams, Joe List | Small Stuff

Summary

Story Warz Ep. 076: Shane Gillis, Brad Williams, Joe List | “Small Stuff”

Date: January 16, 2026
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, NYC

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Episode Overview

This raucous and irreverent episode of Story Warz brings together comedic heavyweights Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez, joined by guests Joe List, Brad Williams, and Shane Gillis. Recorded live at Skankfest, the show is a high-energy game of comedic storytelling, deception, and deduction centered on the night’s theme: “Small Things.” Each panelist submits stories on the topic, and the group tries to guess who wrote which ones—all for the prize of a single book. Packed with roasts, wild anecdotes, and rapid-fire punchlines, this is classic “comics-talking-shit-with-no-filter” at its funniest.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Game Rules & Introductions [04:41]

• The Setup: Each comic submits 3-5 short stories about “Small Things.” Producer Alex selects 8 at random and reads them anonymously. If panelists guess the correct author, they win points; if the author fools them, they get even more.
• What's At Stake: The winner takes home The Weight of All Things by Sandra Benitez—used as a running bit, with Jay reading the blurb in overwrought tones throughout.
• Notable Banter: Stories can be as low-effort or as wild as the comics want, frequently bending the prompt for laughs.

2. The Panel’s Chemistry Present throughout

• Roasts & Friendship: Decades-long relationships mean lots of inside jokes and brutal jabs (especially at Jay’s romantic exploits, Joe’s thriftiness, Lewis's over-the-top personality, and Brad’s stature).
• Live Energy: Multiple jokes about the crowd, Skankfest, and running gags about merch and failed foam finger sales.

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Story Rounds & Memorable Moments

Story 1: “A friend showed me a picture of his very small penis.”

[07:59]

• Wild speculation leads to a roast battle about penis size, friendship, and “valor” among comedians.
• Quote (Shane Gillis, 08:18):

  “It’s Brad. None of you would write it that way. Yeah, that’s Brad.”

• Actual author: Big Jay Okerson. The group is both shocked and disgusted.
• Callback: Jay describes the penis in surreal colors:

  “It’s like a Neapolitan rocket pop. Excessively darker as it goes down…” [13:13]

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Story 2: “Someone broke into my house… chased the burglar out with two small swords.”

[14:14]

• Everyone riffs on Brad’s height and the image of a “ninja midget” with swords.
• Brad Williams:

  “I do have a complex ladder system in my house.” [15:13]
  “In his mind, he broke into a house, alarm went off, and a midget with swords just ran down the stairs.” [18:28]

• Actual author: Brad Williams (the swords were actually just knives).

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Story 3: “Saw a homeless midget out the car window—couldn’t help but think about it.”

[23:35]

• The comics play detective—when were the stories written? Who drove to the festival?
• Shane Gillis (28:00):

  “I needed another story. It was last second. I looked out and there was one standing there… It’s like seeing a homeless Asian.”

• Actual author: Shane Gillis. Group explodes at the rare sighting and Shane’s “minimal effort.”

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Story 4: “A stripper did a small line of cocaine off my penis—then I couldn’t perform.”

[31:04]

• The group immediately suspects Luis, riffing on his reputation and lifestyle.
• Shane (33:01):

  “It is so obviously Lewis that I’m starting to…”

• Actual author: Brad Williams, who clarifies it was at New Orleans' now-closed Scores strip club.

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Story 5: “Put a pube in my own food to get a free meal.”

[43:47]

• Group accuses Joe List of being a cheapskate; Joe and Lewis argue convincingly it’s the other.
• Joe (45:23):

  “It’s a small price to pay for a free meal.”

• After big-money side bets that almost happen, actual author: Luis J. Gomez.
• Luis:

  “I did this at least half a dozen times… pull my [pubes] out, put them in pizza, then go nuts for a free slice.” [49:43]

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Story 6: “Accidentally put my finger in my mother’s period blood.”

[51:42]

• Morbid fascination—how is this ‘small stuff’? Comics debate whose household would allow such a disaster.
• Joe List: Tells the gnarly story about accidentally dragging his penis through “remnants” in the toilet as a child. [57:32]

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Story 7: “Almost hooked up with a large woman with small boobs and hairy nipples.”

[63:13]

• The group mercilessly roasts Jay about his standards and dating life.
• Luis (66:08):

  “This is a Big J type story. He hooks up with gross women and that’s crazy.”

• Actual author: Big Jay Okerson, who admits to cutting and running when the “energy got weird.” [67:59]

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Story 8: “As a small child in YMCA basketball, I airballed a shot, ref chanted AIRBALL, was fired.”

[71:34]

• The room breaks down trying to parse whose childhood was pathetic enough for this story.
• Brad Williams:

  “I was actually a decent player—hoops were only 8 feet tall—but one time I airballed and the ref started chanting. Both sides freaked, and he was fired.” [79:01]

• Actual author: Brad Williams

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Finale & Overtime Showdown

• After 8 stories, Jay and Joe List are tied with 20 points.
• Tiebreaker (Jeopardy-style wagering): They each wager secret points on a final anonymous story.
• The tiebreaker story is about “working as a bodyguard for theme park characters; a mom throws her baby at Mickey for a photo.”
  • Actual author: Brad Williams, drawing on prior Disneyland work experience [84:53].
• Jay wagered 15 points (down to 5 if wrong), Joe wagered 18 points (down to 2 if wrong).
• Both guessed wrong, but Jay’s lighter wager means Big Jay Okerson is crowned champion! [85:22]

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Best Quotes and Crowd Highlights

• Jay (on winning):

  “This book is gonna have a good home. You guys mean the world to me. Thank you to the panel—Joe List, Brad Williams, Shane Gillis. Story warrior once again!” [86:07]

• On Brad’s “ninja” home defense story:

  “If I saw a little person coming at me in the dark with two small swords, I would shit myself.” —Luis J. Gomez [17:09]

• On minimal effort stories:

  “This feels like Shane is doing you a massive favor being here… wrote down the quickest thing he could.” —Joe List [09:32]

• On pubes-for-food scam:

  "It's a small price to pay for a free meal." – Joe List [45:23]

• On Big Jay’s romantic resume:

  “He hooks up with gross women and that’s crazy.” —Luis [66:08]

• On bodily misadventures:

  “I took a shit... had to push my dick down ‘cause I have a little dick. Scraped the toilet bowl, and when I pulled it up, it was bloody.” —Joe List, sharing his period story [57:32]

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Timestamps & Story Index

• [07:59] Story 1: Small Penis Photo (Jay)
• [14:14] Story 2: Sword-wielding Break-in (Brad)
• [23:35] Story 3: Homeless Midget Sighting (Shane)
• [31:04] Story 4: Stripper/Drugs Mishap (Brad)
• [43:47] Story 5: Pube-for-food Scam (Luis)
• [51:42] Story 6: Mother’s Period Mishap (Joe)
• [63:13] Story 7: Hairy Nipple Almost-Hookup (Jay)
• [71:34] Story 8: YMCA Airball Shame (Brad)
• [81:43] Overtime: Theme Park Baby Toss (Brad)

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Conclusion & Takeaways

• Big Jay Okerson wins the night—at last—amid cheers, and hamming it up for the crowd.
• The episode is a hysterical celebration of gross-out stories, competitive wit, and classic comedy camaraderie, with undercurrents of warmth beneath the relentless roasts.
• For new listeners or diehard fans, this is Story Warz at its best: anti-pretension, unpredictable, filthy, and fun.

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For more, check out the next Skankfest recap and subscribe to GaS Digital for uncensored, early-access content.

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“We are the champions, my friend…” — Brad Williams, singing Jay to victory
[85:42]

Transcript

[A]

Before we start today's show, we want.

[B]

To remind you that we have incredible merch [e-mail] not only do we got T shirts, not only do we got hoodies, but we just added beanies for the winter, guys. So get them this winter. It's going to be a very limited time where you can get Story wars beanies. Just go to storywarsmerch.com all right, let's start the show.

[C]

Fill her up.

[D]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network. Guess this new orleans is story wars.

[A]

With the story warriors, big j. Okerson and lois j. Thomas.

[E]

Man, oh, man. What the is up, Skank Phillips. Welcome to Story Wars. Make some noise and hear for me what you mean.

[A]

That's so many people doing that. That rules.

[E]

This place is huge. I can't get over it. It's a waste of time, but it's always fun to do. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[A]

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

[E]

Oh, you stupid pieces of shit. You stupid pie.

[A]

Well, look, this is. This is a very, very special edition of Story wars, officially the first game because we did one at the kickoff party last night, which was incredible. But we are streaming this one live.

[B]

Right now on Veebs.

[A]

Shout out to everyone, the thousands of people watching all over the world right now. And Veebs, give them a lot of love at home right now, guys. I'm excited for this panel, Jay.

[E]

Absolutely. We'll explain the game if you're unfamiliar at home after we get our panel up here. Our first contestant tonight, you know him and love him. He's got a special small ball available right now on YouTube. You know him from the Tuesdays with Stories podcast. How about it for the hilarious Joe List in the house? Damn, dude.

[A]

Joe List, living legend Joe List filming a documentary here at Skang Fest. If you see the crew following us around, it's because of Joe.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

And past champion. Did I get that?

[A]

Did you mention that former Story Warrior himself, Joe List, guys.

[C]

And was cheated a different time, but.

[E]

You now wield the power.

[A]

So, yeah, we're excited. Your second competitor making his Story wars debut. He's got an amazing tour right now, the Tall Tales Tour, in a special.

[B]

Called starfish on YouTube, clapping up his.

[A]

Lounge again for Brad Williams.

[C]

Yo.

[E]

Brad. Welcome to the show, my man.

[F]

I'm very excited for Hornswoggle. Five times since I've been here.

[E]

Just start accepting the valor. It's not stolen valor.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

It's just shared valor.

[F]

I'm Gonna kick his ass at the meeting.

[E]

The convention's gonna be a slobber knocker this year. Our final contestant, last but not least, you might know him from Matt and Shane's secret podcast, or his special beautiful dogs or his show tires on YouTube or his tour. Shane Gillis in the house.

[A]

Like Michael Jackson, just appear. The energy from some of these people's faces.

[D]

They love you, dude. Shut up, dude.

[E]

You're their religion, bro.

[D]

You were awfully quiet backstage. You get a little energy when that light comes on. Yeah, you're a little rude to me.

[A]

I wasn't rude to you. I got a lot going on right now. I'm filming a documentary. I'm running a comedy festival. I gotta reapply my eyeliner.

[D]

You're filming a documentary?

[E]

You change your nail polish every day so far.

[A]

Yeah, I know, dude. Purple nail polish today, Shane.

[D]

I think that's cool as hell. Nail polish, huh?

[E]

Oh, hang on now.

[D]

Yeah, sorry, Jeff.

[E]

I know you just mean Lewis, but come on now.

[D]

It's gay when Lewis does. It's cool.

[E]

If you're unfamiliar with the game Story Awards or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. What's tonight's subject, Louis?

[A]

Small things.

[F]

Triggered very. Triggered, Louis.

[A]

Sorry.

[C]

So am I. Yes, a dick joke.

[E]

Our lovely producer Alex is taking eight of those stories, in no particular order at random, reading them off one at a time. If it's your story, it's your job to fool everybody. That's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

Every time you guess the story correctly.

[B]

You get two points. Every time you fool a person on.

[A]

The panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, you can get up to four. It's a very important moment. Why don't you write your answer on the dry erase board? Put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand.

[B]

That is your final answer. You cannot change it.

[A]

And I'll tell you right now, this.

[B]

Story wars episode is going to be so much fun. But we are not playing for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for.

[E]

Every week here at Story wars, we are playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home the Weight of All Things by Sandro Benitez.

[A]

Great book.

[E]

The Weight of All Things follows a young boy named Nicholas as he's Caught in the chaos of El Salvador's civil war after becoming separated from his mother during a violent attack, he sets out to find her, holding onto the belief that she's still alive. But his journey shows how a child processes danger, loss, and the shifting lines of a country at war.

[D]

Jay, what's it called? The Weight of all things.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Who wrote that? My chair right now.

[E]

He's coming in hot early.

[D]

It's a very flimsy chair, and they were adamant I sit on it.

[F]

I think the chairs are really strong.

[D]

Well, I won't. You know, I'm not gonna make.

[E]

What's this thing made out of? Bolton steel?

[A]

Also, Jay, you should know this book was formerly the property of the Hoboken Board of Education.

[E]

Hey, come on now. Shout out the Hoboken Board of Education. That's where Lean On Me happened, right?

[C]

By the way, all the proceeds of Skank Festival going to the Hoboken Board of Education this year, very special year.

[E]

We'Re bringing Hoboken back one kid at a time.

[F]

We're going for a C average, boys.

[E]

I think everyone. Did you explain the points? Yeah, I didn't.

[A]

Listen, Jay, stop doing drugs.

[E]

I. I'm just smoking pot. I'm drinking a bunch. Alex, story. First one, right? Story number one.

[G]

All right, Skank Fest. Story number one.

[E]

Look at Alex trying to get some hype. How about for G, Mike and Alex, everyone? The producer. We should have introduced them earlier. We should introduce them earlier.

[A]

Give it up. Give it up for Seraphina. The lovely Seraphina. They'll love her.

[E]

Just clap. Don't. Woohoo. You vultures. She's a child. Off.

[B]

It's a hot child.

[E]

Stop it.

[D]

That was easy. That was an easy one. I already got it.

[G]

Story number one. A friend of mine showed me a picture of his very small penis just to make me laugh. It was very brave.

[D]

It's Brad. None of you would write it that way. Yeah, that's Brad.

[F]

I have no idea what you're talking about, Shane.

[A]

Well, here's the thing. Jay has showed me a picture of his very small penis.

[D]

I don't know.

[E]

There's no way I've done that. No chance I've showed you.

[D]

None of you would describe you.

[E]

Yeah, that's a lie.

[D]

You guys. All three. He's a nice person. He would say it was brave.

[A]

I was brave.

[E]

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Maybe I'm wrong.

[F]

I get nice points.

[A]

All right, Joe List.

[E]

Yeah, Shane did. Jump in there quick.

[C]

I know who it is already.

[A]

Joe.

[E]

Why?

[A]

Why do you think it's Shane.

[C]

Because I play the mind game, doggy.

[E]

Oh.

[C]

I don't pay attention to the story. I'm paying attention to the man. It's like poker.

[E]

The energy.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

This is Shane. I have no question about it. I'm not gonna take my finger off yet in case somebody else gives something away.

[D]

Actually, the way you're talking, Joe, makes me think. Start to think it's you. Because it is not me.

[C]

You think I have friends.

[D]

Touche.

[E]

With small penises.

[F]

Who has friends with small penises?

[C]

Well, this.

[E]

Every one of us.

[C]

This is what I.

[F]

This is gonna be.

[C]

This is how I really feel. This feels like the most minimal effort possible. And it feels like Shane is doing you a massive favor being here.

[E]

Okay. Okay.

[C]

Definitely feels like you wrote this very quickly.

[D]

Yeah, no, I would. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now. The only place I want to be is at a. A do with a bunch of Juggalos. Dude, this.

[C]

This is. Shane has no interest in playing. Wrote down the quickest thing he could.

[A]

That's an interesting theory, Joe.

[E]

It's a very good theory.

[A]

But I will say when you said low effort and lazy, it did make me think Big J okerson.

[C]

What I didn't say makes me think.

[E]

It'S you trying to take a shot at me.

[A]

I'm taking shots at you. Your small penis. You're low, effortless.

[E]

You have a very small penis.

[A]

No, your penis is way smaller than mine.

[E]

That's insane. That you.

[F]

Prove it. Prove it.

[E]

Let's go get hard together in the bathroom.

[A]

Dude, we have to get hard in.

[E]

The bathroom with me.

[A]

We have the 69. Whoever's penis first is the wedding and.

[E]

All we can use is breath on each other's cocks.

[A]

Yeah. Make me hard, Slut.

[C]

Let's see some answers. You.

[F]

I'm just trying to think of who has the most amount of friends that would show them their small penis.

[A]

I mean, we're comedians. This is a classic comedian move.

[E]

Most of my friends. Penises.

[F]

Yeah, that's pretty.

[A]

You know what?

[D]

Picture of a small penis. My friend would show me his small penis.

[C]

Yeah, I facetime my dick.

[D]

I'm telling you. I'm telling you. It's Brad.

[E]

I mean, I always come out of.

[F]

The gate, am I showing you my small penis yet?

[E]

Why break?

[D]

I guarantee you have a hog.

[A]

So I'm thinking it's Joe List. Joe List is an old school Boston guy, a ball buster. He's been in the business for 45 years. This is like. This is an old Timey like, this is what the bros do thing. And that's why it is Joe List.

[F]

All right, I'm the last one. I. I'm sensing a lot of denial from Lewis.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

So I'm gonna go. Lewis.

[A]

Wow. Brad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You piece of.

[D]

Oh, you accurate now. It was list.

[C]

Give me the points, baby. Hit me with those points.

[B]

Alex.

[D]

Alex. You got one job.

[G]

Story number one belongs to Big J Okerson.

[A]

No way.

[D]

Oh, it was you. I thought you were driving.

[A]

If you say that I'm the friend that showed you the picture of my penis, I'll punch you in your fucking tits.

[E]

Let me tell the story.

[A]

Fuck you, dude. If this is me, I don't have a small penis.

[E]

You have a small penis. Listen, let me just tell the fucking story.

[A]

Tell the story, you piece of shit.

[D]

Fuck.

[E]

Alex, read the story again.

[G]

A friend of mine showed me a picture of his very small penis.

[A]

Better not be me.

[G]

Laugh. It was very brave, Lewis.

[D]

Yes, Jason, yes. Kill them all, Jason.

[A]

That's the whole story?

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

This would explain a lot.

[E]

It's very brave of you.

[A]

Alex.

[C]

What kind of photo are we talking? Polaroid, Kodak cell phone picture.

[F]

Was it soft?

[A]

Was it hard? It wasn't to be funny. Or it was to be funny.

[E]

It was totally be funny.

[A]

But it wasn't small to be funny.

[E]

Oh, listen, dude, come on. That's eye the beholder, dude. It was a picture. I don't know. There was nothing behind it where I could get a gauge.

[F]

I mean, was the penis in action?

[E]

No, no, no. Just. He just showed me a picture of his thing. Ye.

[A]

It was one of those holograms or. If you did this with it, it got hard and soft.

[E]

It's three different colors. Like a rocket pop. Excessively darker as it get. It's weird. The whole thing's strange.

[F]

Which is more purple, that outfit or his penis?

[E]

Depends. The second third of his penis is pretty purple. Yeah.

[D]

He's got a Neapolitan.

[E]

Yeah. And then I think there's a circumcision that's got a grayish thing to it.

[F]

Yeah, a grayish thing to part of it.

[C]

Die.

[E]

Yeah. You know what? Remember when they found E.T. by the river? That gray? Yeah.

[A]

Alex. I'm done, Kev.

[E]

My. Oh, we can move on for sure.

[B]

Let's move on.

[A]

So where are our points at after one round?

[G]

All right. On the scoreboard with four points and an early lead. Big J Okerson.

[E]

What? Oh, yeah. There was only me, Alex. Story number two.

[G]

Story number two. Someone broke into my house. The alarm went off. I was alone, and the only thing I could find to potentially defend myself were two small swords from my wall.

[E]

Hey, Brad, you fucking little weirdo. The thing's right in front of you. Right here.

[G]

I grabbed the two swords and chased the burglar out of my home.

[F]

I can't see over the table.

[B]

Jake.

[E]

What do you think? We're all just taking it in and memorizing it?

[D]

Who the fuck would have two swords on their wall?

[C]

Two small swords.

[F]

Swords.

[D]

Well, to chase the burglar again. I keep wanting to blame Brad, but I hope it's Brad, because that's the funniest thing. Be so scary if you broke in a house and he was like, ah.

[E]

Brad waves with two swords.

[A]

And then Brad. Brad only has tiny weapons at his.

[D]

But getting them off the wall. Getting them off the wall.

[F]

That'd be very difficult.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

I do have a complex ladder system in my house.

[D]

If I saw a guy hit a ladder.

[E]

What if it's just two butter knives? But he calls them swords.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Hey, you need a fork and sword for your steak.

[F]

Yeah. I call a salad fork a trident. You.

[E]

Every time he's. You're playing Poseidon.

[F]

Who lives in a neighborhood where people. People could break in.

[D]

I feel like all three of these guys could have swords. Not Jason Lewis or List could have swords.

[A]

Jay doesn't have a sword.

[C]

But the big giveaway is an alarm in the house. It's gotta be Brad or Shane. We live in apartments.

[D]

I would never.

[A]

We literally all live in houses.

[C]

Yeah, but you got a house, like, three days ago.

[E]

Yeah. I was gonna say this would have had to have happened within the last few months.

[F]

Based on where he can afford to live. Absolutely.

[E]

But where I've lived most of my life.

[D]

Life.

[E]

No doubt. This could happen.

[D]

But if it was Jay.

[E]

But I promised myself if I ever pulled out my swords again, they would have to taste blood before I resheath them. That's the code of. That's the sudoken code.

[D]

Sudoku.

[E]

You guys probably don't follow that.

[D]

It's the sudoku.

[E]

I mean, I would have the sudoku code.

[A]

I would have heard the story about Jade chasing somebody out with his sword recently for sure.

[E]

You would have heard that. It would have been all I talked about forever. I finally got the bullets of swords.

[A]

And you fought off a burglar successfully. That's insane.

[E]

Like Michelangelo.

[A]

This has to be Brad, because Brad's the only one up here that I don't know that well. There's no way somebody fought off a burglar And I've never heard this story.

[D]

Yeah, I also, I listen to the regs and you guys would have talked about it and yeah, I like your logic. I think it's got to be Brad.

[C]

See, I'm thinking, I'm leaning Brad. But also it feels like the burglar could have grabbed his forehead and held him back.

[E]

For sure.

[F]

I do not have the balls to take on a.

[C]

No, no, it's got to be Brad. No question about it. Possibly.

[D]

Shane, I would never.

[F]

I'm going.

[A]

Also, if I saw a little person coming at me in the dark with two small swords, I would myself, I'd.

[E]

Run no matter what. I'd be like, David lynch. Movies are real. That's what I would first have to process.

[D]

You guys are all going, run for my life.

[E]

I guess I'm going.

[F]

Joe.

[D]

Yeah, I. I don't mind Joe.

[A]

Brad Williams is my boy.

[C]

Swords in my home.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Where my wife sleeps.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Where my children come and play with their toys.

[D]

Brad, you attacked a guy with swords. And it's the funniest thing that's ever happened. That burglar is at a bar right now going, dude, I never believe that guy.

[E]

Dude, me. If you've heard this before, but someone's.

[D]

Going, yo, tell that story again. Dude. Oh, dude. All right, all right.

[C]

Brad chased him down and chopped off both his ankles. He's like, get out of here. Your toes. Get it?

[E]

Is everybody, Everybody.

[A]

All of our answers are in Alex.

[G]

Story number two belongs to Brad Williams.

[F]

Yep. I called him Samurai Swords. They were just small knives.

[D]

Two small swords.

[F]

But I always think about the guy. Cuz in his mind, he broke into a house, an alarm went off.

[D]

Off.

[F]

And then a midget with swords just ran down the stairs.

[E]

That's crazy.

[F]

And I thought that's got like. Like he's like, what kind of up. Alarm system is this? Simply Safe has stepped their game up.

[E]

Release the ninja.

[G]

Ninja.

[D]

Ninja. It's incredible.

[F]

Ninja. It's amazing.

[E]

I'll let you guys think about it.

[F]

Wait.

[E]

Ninja slash. Midget.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Ninjit. How did this place not explode? I'm gonna go pee.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

I don't need it now. Go yourselves. That was fast as.

[D]

Yeah. The show's. It's not gonna get better. The show's not gonna get better than ninja. So that was. Yeah. Get out of here.

[F]

My daughter. My daughter is a Chinese dwarf. She's literally a ninja. Yes.

[E]

Although I don't mean you're being a little racist. The ninjas are Japanese, but I'll let it go.

[D]

Ninja Please, where are you?

[C]

What's that?

[D]

I listen to regs.

[E]

Where are you? You.

[D]

Yeah, he ain't scared, Alex.

[A]

Where are points at all, Right?

[G]

In last place with zero points, Brad Williams.

[F]

No books for me.

[G]

Tied for second place with two points each, Lewis J. Gomez, Joe List and Shane Gillis. And in the lead with six points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

They love it. Jay. When Jay gets some points and he's in the lead because he's so bad at the game. Like, I watch you. Like, you guys really believe he could do it.

[E]

I will not win this game.

[A]

Like, if you, like, if you're like a fan of, like, a shitty sports franchise that can't get a victory, like, they just get a couple good wins. They're like, oh, this is it, dude.

[E]

How many times I have come out of the gates hot like this and just eat shit for fucking six more rounds?

[F]

You're the Buffalo Bills of story wars.

[E]

But right now, it feels pretty good.

[B]

All right, folks, let's take a quick moment to think. Mando for being a supporter of the show.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

I use the.

[B]

I use it on my. My balls. I've never deodorized my balls in my entire life until I started using, man.

[F]

What happened?

[E]

No, no, your balls did stink, and they don't now. You're right about that for sure. Listen, I've always put deodorant all over my ball bag and ass crack and under gut and all that. But I don't think you. I don't know if you were supposed to or if that was a weird thing to do at all. Mando's making you feel less bad about that because they say it's for everything. They use premium ingredients like gentle mandelic acid. That's the shit which keeps you fresh and dry all day long. Some people mask their BO with a bunch of smells. Mando just gets the job, right? Don't mask it. Mando it.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[E]

Hey story warriors, let's take a quick second and talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here. And that is AG1. Easily the best habit you can start this year to improve your health. AG1 Next Gen is a daily health drink that has been clinically shown to support your gut health. And that is the thing that's all the rage now. Remember how big gluten was? This is the new gluten.

[A]

Yeah, Gut health is really important, dude.

[B]

They're finding out it is the root.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Alex, Story number three.

[G]

Story number three. While trying to write a story for this, I looked out the window of my car on the way here and saw a homeless midget.

[E]

Dude, now this looks like Shane.

[F]

That was me. No, that was me.

[B]

Me.

[D]

Why are you talking to me? List was the last one added to the show.

[F]

Oh, that's true.

[D]

I wrote these four days ago.

[F]

That's very true.

[E]

No, Brad wasn't. Last night into the show.

[D]

No, Joe was.

[C]

No, I replaced Tony. Sorry everybody.

[D]

Unbelievable.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

I thought this was going to be the greatest night of my life, but now it's not.

[E]

Guns and Roses couldn't be here. Instead us.

[B]

Joe List is a fucking genius.

[C]

I literally thought that was Tony popping on. That was a damn good impression.

[A]

It was a good impression, right?

[C]

Pretty good.

[A]

The lovely Heidi, everyone. I'm gonna pretend I want to have sex with her.

[E]

Look at her boobs. Vagina. Is it looking back at me?

[D]

She's got an unbelievable cock. Set of boobs.

[E]

Protruding labia, a 2 inch clus.

[A]

I love women.

[D]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[E]

I'm not gays no more.

[F]

I am now.

[E]

I will not wear a women's purse. Women, women, women, women, women, women.

[D]

List.

[C]

I think I know who this is. Similar theory as before, minimal effort. But the comma. Shane went to college.

[E]

History.

[D]

I would. First off, you. I would never put a comment. Dude, that's like. Dude, come on, man. Yeah, you can call me anything you want, but don't call me that saying. I use punctuation.

[E]

Dude, God hates two things. Fags and commas.

[D]

For real? That. Actually you settled my, my, my case for me. I would never put a comma.

[C]

No, I think you use commas.

[A]

I think. I think Shane's theory is actually one of the strongest ones I've heard so far. Which was. Joe was added just today.

[C]

No, I've been here since 9am I'm shooting a documentary.

[D]

Yeah, you didn't drive here.

[F]

But it says. But it says out the window of my car. Does Joe own a car?

[C]

I own a car, but I didn't drive it to New Orleans.

[A]

No, no, no.

[E]

No one here is driving. Driving their car.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Well, hold on. This is actually interesting because if Shane was. This is a great point. If Shane did write a series a few days ago, he would have been in his car.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Nobody here in New Orleans would have.

[D]

Written it's on the way here.

[E]

Maybe Brad's got a special car with wacky pedals and that's why he had to bring his car. And he's throwing us off by saying the word, thinking we won't be like, he wouldn't say that. But he showed us. Because he went. Because it's such an itch.

[B]

Because it's such a great word.

[F]

I had to hire the homeless man midget to push the pedals while I steered.

[D]

Damn. Even midgets are racist. Yeah, right.

[E]

Brad, when you see another do you go oh, that's what I do When I see.

[F]

It's kind of like when people in jeep see each other and they give the jeep wave.

[E]

Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah.

[F]

We do the microwave.

[E]

Yeah, nice. You guys give each other a duck.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

It has to be Shane or Brad because all three of them us skank walked here.

[A]

It's.

[D]

It's list.

[A]

It's a great point.

[C]

I walked here.

[E]

I saw about four homeless midgets in the way here. In fairness.

[F]

Was there a convention?

[E]

No, no, no. It was the band.

[A]

Shane. Shane wrote his stories days ago in his car. There's a lot of homeless people in.

[D]

On my way here. It was list. He was late.

[A]

Why are you doing this?

[D]

See, you're going to give him the win.

[C]

It's comma sh.

[F]

Win.

[D]

Hand him the win.

[C]

New nickname coming up.

[E]

I'm going Joe List.

[F]

I just got a text from the homeless because we all know each other.

[E]

And isn't it crazy they all still have held cell phones.

[F]

Yeah, he told me it was Shane.

[D]

You're letting him win.

[C]

It's Shane or Brad.

[D]

It's this.

[E]

Hey, put Brad I saw homeless Brad. I saw homeless list.

[F]

He's protesting. Testing too much.

[D]

Obviously it's list.

[E]

Could be me.

[C]

I'm getting these points, baby. I feel good about this, Joseph.

[A]

List is my vote. No, No.

[D]

I couldn't believe it, dude.

[A]

What?

[D]

It was a gift from God. I didn't have any.

[A]

Damn it.

[C]

Comma, shame, comma, shame.

[D]

Shane, I did not include the comment. It was a text message. Alex did that.

[E]

And you got me off.

[A]

Alex, make it official.

[G]

By the way, story number three belongs to Shane Gillis.

[F]

How is my buddy doing?

[D]

Actually, it was a she.

[C]

It was a.

[F]

It was a homeless. How. How the are you a homeless female? You can't start an only fans.

[D]

It was a for sure you can.

[E]

Can for sure. You can.

[D]

It was a homeless Hispanic little person. And I. I looked out the window, went.

[E]

Nice.

[D]

First one I've ever seen.

[F]

You gave me the same reaction when you saw me back.

[D]

No, no, I didn't.

[F]

They make them in that size.

[B]

Interesting.

[E]

Yeah, I needed.

[D]

I needed another story.

[E]

I.

[D]

It was last second. I looked right when I looked out the window, there was one stand there and I said, man, I've never seen. It's like seeing a homeless Asian.

[F]

You go, I agree.

[E]

You definitely zig when you should have zagged.

[C]

One thing we can all agree on that is a banger of a story.

[A]

Great story.

[E]

No, it's a fantastic.

[D]

The other one was my friend had a tiny penis. So you Joe?

[C]

Yeah. Well, the stories have Been a little weak so far. Wait till we get to an old listy classic. Alex, where are the list?

[D]

It was tough. The topic was small stuff. Stuff.

[A]

Alex, where are points at?

[G]

Tied for last place with two points each. Lewis J. Gomez and Brad Williams on the board.

[E]

He's playing the game.

[C]

I'm bored, too.

[A]

All right.

[D]

He's playing the game.

[G]

Tied for second place with four points each, Joe List and Shane Gillis.

[D]

Here we go now.

[G]

And in the lead with six points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

If you believe, and I believe, and we all believe, Big J can win Story Wars.

[E]

Shane, that was a great round, but from my cold, dead hands, will you pry the weight of all things which shows the reality of war through a child's eyes? What? Nicholas moves through shattered towns, crowded shelters and territories controlled by different forces, each showing a new side of the conflict. The book highlights mean how survival becomes its own kind of bravery. The weight of all things.

[D]

When did. When did Jay become such a fan favorite? You're a fan?

[E]

I never win.

[A]

He never wins.

[D]

These people are fired up.

[E]

They don't want me to stop coming, so they just root for me.

[D]

Well, I'm rooting for you, Alex.

[A]

Story number four.

[D]

All right, hot crowd.

[G]

Story number four. I was hooking up with a stripper and she did a small line of cocaine off of my penis. Then she wanted to have sex, but the cocaine made my dick numb and I could not perform.

[D]

That could be Lewis.

[A]

What?

[E]

Who'd you put?

[D]

I put Lewis immediately.

[E]

Immediately? Yeah.

[A]

Maybe if it was my penis, it would have to be a very, very long line of cocaine.

[F]

So, yes, we've established from earlier stories.

[D]

Who else would do something like that?

[E]

A very brave person.

[A]

Well, Brad, what are you doing? You shut up.

[D]

You got mad that he did that. It's you.

[A]

No, Shane is mind everywhere. When I think it's.

[D]

You think I ever did that? Yes.

[E]

You think Shane would tell this story on story?

[B]

You're out of your.

[A]

Shane hooks up with strippers. He does cocaine. All of these things are true.

[C]

There is a comma in there.

[E]

Oh, I didn't see that comma. Hang on.

[D]

I've never hooked up with a stripper in my life.

[E]

Oh, but now we found out that a.

[D]

But no, I don't. I. For real. I don't do cocaine either.

[F]

She was a porn star, man.

[D]

Honestly, though, I would never let a stripper. I would never let anyone do coke off my dick. That one you can take to the bank.

[E]

Yeah, this dude. It's.

[A]

You guys are.

[F]

This is so Louis.

[D]

I'VE never been more would, would, would list. Ever do something like this back in his. In his prime?

[C]

Maybe the hooking up part's a little.

[D]

Did you ever do coke?

[C]

A little bit of a leap. No, I never did coke and I never hooked up with a stripper.

[D]

And this doesn't sound like a very ch.

[E]

Joe story.

[C]

No.

[F]

Well, now he's protesting too much. Now I'm like, oh, I can't change it.

[D]

I mean, it is so obviously Lewis that I'm starting to.

[E]

It's too obvious. You never do coke?

[F]

I have never done cocaine.

[A]

No.

[E]

All right.

[A]

By the. The person in this story, he's got that hat on.

[D]

I believe him.

[A]

The person in this story got cocaine done off their dick.

[E]

They did a small line off their teeny penis.

[F]

Yeah, that's why it's loose.

[A]

It was probably an above average size piece. Not to be.

[F]

It's definitely Louis now. I've never been more.

[D]

Not to be rude. I've seen the way Lewis interacts with strippers and he's the only one at this table that would do this.

[E]

Yes, agreed.

[D]

I'm seeing the way you yell at them.

[A]

How have I interacted with strippers?

[E]

Aggressively, uncomfortably.

[C]

Lewis also has a lot of small lines at his shows.

[D]

Hey.

[C]

Booyah. Zhang got embody. Boys.

[D]

You got him.

[E]

Dango.

[D]

Lewis, you better wake up, dude. Stop smoking dope.

[A]

It is not me.

[D]

How about a little energy out of you? Your outfit's nuts. And your energy is at a two.

[F]

You got nine.

[D]

Eleven flew down here. Let's go. But it's you, it's not me.

[A]

So I'm going to sit here now.

[D]

I don't think about it. I don't think any of these three have done coke. J, have you done coke?

[E]

I tried ride it twice. One line each time.

[D]

And one of them was off your own dick.

[E]

It wasn't on my own dick. Could you imagine? That would have to be more of like a fling it or like catapult it into my nose.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not Jay, it's not Joe. It's Shane or Brad.

[E]

Or you.

[A]

Brad. You've never done me.

[D]

I would.

[F]

I have.

[D]

I swear. I would never do that.

[A]

Have you ever dated a stripper?

[F]

Never dated a stripper.

[C]

You know what? It's not cuz. He would just say everyone else put their answers up.

[E]

No, he wouldn't. The guy's a ham. Look at him.

[D]

He's desperate. Desperate. He stinks.

[E]

Look at him trying to take over.

[A]

Gonna be two Shane stories in a row.

[D]

I would never do this story, fellas, you also know me. I would never do this.

[C]

I like that.

[A]

Brad Williams is my answer. He's Hollywood.

[D]

It's Lewis.

[A]

He's a star.

[C]

Yeah, I like. You wrote Brad W. Like it's a AA meeting.

[G]

Story number four belongs to Brad Williams.

[A]

You idiots.

[F]

I did not lie.

[A]

Jerk off.

[F]

I did not lie.

[D]

Yeah, you never did code.

[F]

I have never.

[D]

You never did it.

[F]

But the stripper did it. And that happened right here in New Orleans.

[E]

Last night.

[A]

And here the stripper is now in the pink dress. Hell yeah.

[F]

Yeah. Nice to see you, Candy. It was at the old Scores strip club, which is no longer there. But yeah, it was a Scores dancer.

[A]

Very cool.

[D]

All right, I'll stop being confident. I. I thought I knew you better, dude. It's disgusting.

[E]

You couldn't perform. It was perform.

[F]

My dick was numb. So that. That was the giveaway. There was me.

[C]

I'd like to hear more from the story. Did you try to her at the strip club or did you get her back to your place?

[F]

Bathroom at the strip club.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

In my single days, I was wild, guys.

[C]

Damn it.

[E]

She would win story wars with that story.

[A]

We'll see you guys tonight.

[E]

I Olympic in the bathroom of a strip club. The economy of words on that story is fire.

[F]

That's the thing.

[E]

I should be on a T shirt and people would just go, I get it. I know exactly what you're saying. Wow, that would be weird.

[F]

My stories are always fun, but they're always funnier from the other person's perspective.

[E]

So you have the inside track, but they have the holy story. Like, whoa. Didn't see.

[F]

Pull up a chair. Guys, you're never going to believe this.

[E]

You wake up in the morning, you don't think you see that coming down.

[D]

The pike.

[A]

As yet. Alex. Four stories then. Where are points at?

[G]

Tied for last place with four points each, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List and Shane Gillis.

[C]

Oh, well, we're in good company, boys.

[D]

You guys.

[C]

Damn it.

[D]

We'll be back.

[G]

In second place with five points, Brad Williams.

[F]

Come back.

[A]

Is on Find a thread.

[G]

And holding on to that lead with six points, Big J Okerson.

[E]

People have spoken, people sham.

[A]

We are halfway through the show. Truly anybody's game. What?

[E]

It feels nice. It feels nice.

[D]

They love me so much.

[A]

After the show, it's genuinely anybody's game. We're gonna do some plugs real quick. Shane, what are you plugging my friend? Friend?

[D]

I'm in Boise in Portland in a week.

[A]

Oh yeah. This won't be out for When's coming Out.

[E]

Christ knows how long. But for the live streams.

[A]

For the live streams. Yeah.

[D]

Oh, yeah, that's it.

[E]

Nice. Yeah.

[A]

Brad Williams.

[F]

Yeah, I'm on my tour until 2027, so go to Brad Williams, comedy.com.

[E]

We do make updates.

[F]

Yeah, a lot.

[D]

Lot.

[C]

Joe west, four specials on YouTube. Small balls, the most recent one. Thank you.

[F]

So, Small dick, Small balls. You guys got it. Okay, just want to be clear for the next story.

[A]

Small everything, you piece of the. Do you think you are.

[D]

He's feeling good. He just got. He did good on the last round. All of a sudden he's a little cocky.

[E]

Big J, bigjcomedy.com for all my dates. Subscribe to my YouTube. I do live streams now. They're coming back. It's just been a busy couple weeks, but I'll be doing them again. And of course, Bonfire faction talk series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And then the flagship show not only at Skank Fest, but right over at Gas Digital Network, the Legion of Skanks. Yeah.

[A]

Hell yes. Luke. Come see me on the road, guys. Louisof skanks.com grab those tickets. Check out all the other pods that I do subscribe to. Gas Digital. If you love the show, you get.

[B]

The uncensored version of the show, which is very important.

[A]

Pre. Pre release ad free. Go to gas digital.com use the promo code WAR. And yeah, that's that. Let's get into the second half, and I'll tell you, this is a very close game. We're just a couple points off.

[E]

It's. It's anybody's game right now because in this audience, if anybody knows. This audience knows those. For the final four stories, we go double points.

[C]

Now. Now, as past. What's the rule with the past champion? I can do something.

[A]

Yeah, you can trigger it anytime you want.

[C]

I can do what now?

[A]

You can trigger that anytime you want.

[D]

I'm a past champion. I've won.

[A]

Have you?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. So you can also. No, no, no.

[E]

All right. You gotta say.

[B]

You have to say.

[E]

You have to say sh. Shane. Shane.

[D]

No, this is how you do it.

[E]

I mean, that way is more fun sitting down. I just want to do that for the second. For the second half of the game, we go.

[D]

Damn, dude, that's good stuff. That's why we're here. That's why we all came to New Orleans.

[E]

What's up? Shout out jock jams 2016.

[C]

Y' all ready for this?

[A]

Hey.

[D]

Hey. You got me.

[C]

Oh, our audience is getting younger.

[E]

Yeah, that Guy. That guy lives in Vietnam because he's a child rapist.

[C]

Bring him next year.

[E]

Yeah, Gary Glitter doing the VIP pre party next year. So, yes, before, if you fooled somebody with a story, you got a point. And if you guessed the right story, you got two points. That now actually goes to double points.

[D]

Holy.

[C]

Wait, can I ask, are these licensed foam fingers?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I thought they were made at home.

[D]

Get it going again. Ruin the show. Ruin this show with that song.

[E]

Jake, what are you doing? You breaking those guys down for getting phony foam fingers? Did you make those at home?

[A]

Jake, what are you doing? Jake, stop playing security guard. What are you doing? Sit on the floor again?

[E]

Jake's dick hair is orange. I bet it is. Yeah.

[F]

That makes two of us.

[A]

Jake, nobody thinks you're gonna win that fight tomorrow.

[E]

I do. I bet $3,000 on it.

[A]

Big J, by the way, here's what I'm gonna do. I'll tell you, be at that fight, because Jay has to give me $3000. I'm gonna give 1000 to Harrington, 1000 to Alex, and then 1000 is just going out to the crowd. So you're there.

[E]

I want you to understand something. I want you to understand something.

[A]

Oh, I swear to God, to me.

[E]

Who wins the fight is last man stand. So it's a boxing match, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Kick, punch, bite, do whatever you have to do, because if you're the last person standing, I'll be like, technically, Jake won the fight, so kill him.

[D]

Kill him.

[A]

And by the way, we did license those foam fingers. And we were like, dude, this is gonna be a huge hit. We've got 3,000 foam fingers. Two people bought them.

[E]

Thank you, man.

[C]

Bring it up here.

[E]

I believe we have 2,998 foam fingers.

[A]

Yeah. Everyone is gonna buy foam fingers. Nobody gives.

[E]

Our Shark Tank partner said that we should get inventory.

[C]

I'm gonna sell you a hundred foam fingers. Right? They just haven't seen it yet.

[E]

These foam fingers are guys nuts, huh?

[C]

Oh, listen to the crowd reaction.

[D]

Hey, what's up, bro?

[C]

What's up?

[D]

What's up, boys?

[E]

They were made in art class.

[C]

You guys don't want to own one of these.

[D]

They're crazy.

[A]

Nobody cares. Look, they're like. No, we don't. We saw them at the merch booth.

[D]

Everyone at Skankfest is either fat or looks exactly like crack amico. These guys just crack Amico's cousins.

[E]

It's crack amico. Another crack amico. It's Methamico and Cocomico.

[D]

Alex cracks jack now, though. Get out of here.

[E]

Crack.

[A]

Let's keep the game going. Story number five.

[C]

I just caused a huge security problem.

[F]

Now they're backstage.

[G]

Story number five. One time I put a pube in my own food to get it for free after I complained.

[F]

This is so Joe List.

[E]

Really?

[F]

I've never been more sure of anything.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

This is Shane Gillispie.

[E]

It's not me.

[D]

It's not me. I never.

[A]

Shane the Prankster. We learned this from past episodes. Episodes of Storyboard.

[D]

I wouldn't do a pube, though.

[A]

You wouldn't do a pube? Why?

[D]

I don't know. I wouldn't do this. I'm not. I don't act like that.

[C]

Guys, there's only one Jew up here.

[E]

It's true. But I wouldn't pull up my own pubes. They're so sparse as is.

[D]

Lewis does go nuts in restaurants.

[E]

No, I know. He's a problem.

[D]

He's a real problem.

[E]

Again, that's my problem with this show. Everything I. The show should be called Convince Me it's not Lewis. Every time a story pops up, I go, this is Lewis. He would do all these insane. Everybody else is telling their craziest stories. This is. Lewis is like, Wednesday. You know, she like, oh, I forgot to tell you guys. I put a puke in my own food. You get it?

[A]

I mean, I'm. I'm a stickler for great customer service and great food.

[D]

Who you going with?

[F]

He's going with.

[D]

Yeah. Can I say something? I would also say you guys are not afraid to take liberties with, like, the topic with small stuff.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

And you're just like, oh, there's the pube story. That's not really.

[F]

Wait, wait, wait. But small pubes.

[D]

No, I get it.

[F]

No, I get it, Lewis.

[D]

I get it. But I'm saying they're the ones who are like, come on, it's small stuff. I'll just come up with something. The us three are like, I got to think of something that actually fits the topic.

[F]

Do you know how hard putting a.

[D]

Pub in your own sandwich and complaining about it is. Has nothing to do with small stuff?

[A]

Small.

[C]

It's a small price to pay for a free meal.

[E]

Pubes are small.

[A]

Is this Joe?

[E]

Maybe it was tiny complaints.

[C]

I'm gonna leave my fingers on this.

[A]

Leave your fingers on it. You could. You can take it off. I don't give a shit. I'm trying to win this, so please give somebody else points. I'm thinking it might be Joe List.

[E]

I do too.

[C]

I'm thinking it might be you.

[E]

I think 100% is Joe List.

[A]

Why do you think it's Joe?

[E]

I don't know. His energy.

[C]

I will say it's a funny thing.

[A]

To do with your friends. This right here is a good bit. Joe's a bit guy. Also, Joe's kind of cheap.

[C]

That's ridiculous.

[A]

Joe's got a wild amount of money. He's the cheapest person I've ever met in my entire life.

[E]

He's also got very loose pubes. Easy to just grab a grip and pull.

[C]

Name one story where I'm cheap. That's crazy.

[A]

This one right here, where you put your pube in a food in food.

[C]

To get a meal. I do like ripping out my pubes and putting them funny places.

[E]

Sure, sure.

[C]

I will admit to that for real. Very funny.

[E]

No one's gonna accuse you to be a knothole.

[F]

Wait. Do it right now.

[C]

That's a good guess.

[D]

Well, that makes me think it's you.

[C]

But why would I admit that if it was me?

[A]

Because you're playing.

[E]

Because it's a great move.

[C]

Well, watch this.

[A]

No, Joe think it's me. Watch this, Joe. Wow. Look, no one here believes it's me. Everyone believes it's Joe List. Clap your hands if you think it's Joe List.

[C]

Okay, here's how you know it's Lewis. Lewis knows you guys are on the hook right now. That's why he's pushing me.

[D]

Here you go.

[A]

L. You know I'm on the hook right now. So that's why you're. It's the same.

[C]

No, no, because everyone's writing my name now.

[A]

Look at all that's push freaking out right now.

[C]

We're going to put me. Put me.

[D]

He is freaking out.

[C]

He put.

[D]

Look at me in the eyes, you freak. Is it you?

[A]

No.

[D]

You promise me.

[A]

I promise you. This is Jo List. I believe deep in art. No, I thought you put Lewis. I was like, you're an idiot.

[E]

But you keep saying it's Jo List and not writing anything.

[A]

I'll write Jos. Right now. I'm not pausing for show List.

[E]

That was a good last second.

[C]

But you are positive.

[A]

Well, I know it's not me, but I think it's you. And I think you're pushing me so hard because it's you.

[D]

Yeah, if it was Lewis, he would have have immediately wrote List and flipped it.

[E]

No, no, no. He plays right.

[D]

No, he wouldn't trick us after we.

[E]

Should I change this to Lewis?

[C]

I will.

[A]

Oh, I will say I want you to change it to me.

[C]

Actually, my pubes do Come very easily.

[D]

How come no one's suggesting bread?

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

I don't.

[E]

He's always lying.

[A]

You're about to lose your Brad, you idiot.

[D]

Yeah, you got to get Brad to tell the truth, and then he'll give you all his gold. You can make him tell the truth once.

[C]

I'm upset that Jay put. Lewis.

[F]

You're all gonna try to catch me now?

[A]

You're an idiot.

[D]

It's.

[C]

It's a hundred percent. Louis, side bet. A thousand dollars. Who wants it?

[A]

Side bet.

[C]

Hey, Tango, not you.

[A]

You want to do a thousand dollar side bet right now?

[D]

Yeah. Lewis. Yeah. You said it. Liz.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Louis, take the bet.

[D]

A thousand bucks. Jake. On it.

[C]

100 bucks. 100 bucks.

[G]

No.

[A]

A thousand dollars. $1,000.

[C]

I can't do it.

[A]

$1,000.

[F]

No.

[E]

Me.

[D]

I would have changed my.

[A]

Alex, whose story was it?

[G]

Story number five belongs to Louis J.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

I would have lost a thousand dollars for no reason.

[D]

You.

[E]

You rode that to the.

[C]

You guys saw.

[F]

Why did you not take the bet?

[C]

I got nervous at the last second.

[D]

The Joe. I would have changed my bet.

[E]

Why do you think you knew?

[C]

But then he was gonna shake, so I thought I up.

[A]

This is kind of a lie because I realized I said I put one time. I did this at least a half dozen times. We would go to different spots.

[D]

It can just be hair from your head.

[A]

No, no, no, no. I didn't have a lot of hair on my head. That was the problem.

[C]

So that's why he's bald. He ran out of hair.

[A]

I pull my down and I put him in like a slice of pizza and be like, yeah, there. I'd like eat most of the pizza. And then right at the like the. Right.

[E]

We just hit the pube border.

[A]

Yeah, they have. Hey, is this a pube in my pizza? And then I'd. I'd work myself up like it was real because they weren't reacting the way that they should react. So, like, I'd get really mad for some reason.

[F]

Do you do it at nice restaurants or like, just like the guy?

[A]

No, I was. I was never. This is one at a time when I wasn't going to nice restaurants.

[E]

There's dick hair in my steak tartare. Pardon me, garcon.

[F]

Does this belong in oysters Rockefeller?

[E]

Is this bald hair? Five star Michelin?

[A]

Alex, where are points at Lose the killing Snap.

[D]

I suck.

[G]

All right. In last place with four points, Shane Gillis.

[D]

You guys used to love me.

[E]

Damn.

[G]

In fourth place with five points, Brad Williams. Tied for second place with eight points each, Lis J Gomez and Joe List.

[C]

Striking distance, baby.

[G]

And in the lead with 10 points, Big J Okerson.

[D]

Oh, oh, oh, we love Big J.

[E]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, we love Big J. Hey, Turkey place is going nuts.

[F]

Don't selection. It's like talking to a pitcher while he's pitching a no hitter. You can't scare him right now, Alex.

[A]

Story number six.

[G]

Story number six. I once accidentally put my finger in my mother's period blood.

[E]

Oh, Lou. It's always Lewis.

[D]

How is that small stuff.

[F]

Small amount.

[D]

I don't know. We could just make up random shit. Mine are all small things.

[E]

I guess this, it's a small part of a larger problem in your life.

[D]

I mean, how do you do do this? What happened? How'd you do it? How'd you do it?

[A]

You probably. If I had a guess, you're throwing something in the garbage. Maybe you had to go retrieve something.

[D]

Oh, you had to guess there was.

[A]

A tampon in the garbage.

[C]

That's a good guess, Lewis. Did you already pick?

[A]

What?

[C]

Did you already pick?

[A]

Sorry, no.

[C]

That's too much weed at this party.

[B]

Not enough.

[A]

That's what I say.

[E]

Yeah, I mean, Jesus.

[A]

I keep on getting offered cocaine so much narc. I mean, I've been getting.

[E]

Also wearing a microphone half the time. Where are you getting your cocaine from?

[D]

Do me a kindness. Keep that away from me.

[A]

No, I can't.

[E]

Dude.

[A]

Today was the first day that I don't reconsider doing cocaine in a very, very long time. Years. It was just some dude in the bathroom.

[E]

Bathroom buddy. Of course you consider doing cocaine. You were already on cocaine. That's what it does. It makes you want more cocaine, right? Yeah.

[A]

I once accidentally put my finger in my mother's period blood.

[E]

This is heinous. Since Joe List.

[F]

All right, who has a good relationship with their mother?

[A]

I think Big J, the reason I'm getting a Big J vibe. Big J was raised by a single mom.

[E]

So I was like, big J also.

[A]

Also the type of kid to pick food back out of the garbage after deciding that he was still hungry.

[D]

This would also require a fatherless household, which are because a father would be like, don't me. Don't let me ever see your period blood in a trash can. This is a fatherless household.

[C]

Here's why I think it could be Jay.

[D]

Yeah, it's Jay.

[C]

Jay, this, this.

[D]

What are you doing touching your mom's period?

[C]

This feels traumatic enough that you would then paint your fingernail nails for the rest of your life. Like you pull the blood Out. And you're like, hey, that looks pretty good.

[E]

I was like, you know what? Gross. But ooh la la.

[F]

And also that's why he wears the fingerless gloves. He always likes to keep them exposed.

[E]

Yeah, you don't hide that.

[C]

Also, this feels like kind of not a big story you would share. And Lewis doesn't know this story, it seems from Jay.

[A]

No, I don't. But I'm getting big J vibes for all the reasons we said. The lovely Seraphina.

[E]

This is also vague enough. Stop.

[B]

Lee.

[E]

Stop it.

[B]

And beautiful Seraphina wearing a fucking awesome.

[A]

Skankfest jersey that we all want. We want your Skankfest jersey. Take it off.

[D]

Feast your eyes, fellas. She's the one normal woman here. Get her.

[A]

Could this my answer is big?

[D]

Absolutely not. I would have killed myself.

[E]

I actually whispered to you and you were voting for me the whole time, you dick lips.

[D]

You also have to have a kind of young mom to be old enough to remember touching her period. Blood.

[E]

Right.

[A]

Got a go.

[D]

When do they lose their periods? Those nasty.

[A]

You know what? It could have. It could have been Brad trying to turn himself into a normal sized man. Maybe sort of like voodoo.

[E]

Yeah, maybe you needed more stem cells.

[F]

This is very true.

[D]

Yeah, he was already down there too.

[F]

Eye level.

[C]

Ah.

[D]

Got my eye. It's 28 days later.

[F]

It's a good running zombie apocalypse.

[D]

Here we go. Going with. You're going this.

[E]

I think Joe list.

[D]

List has been awfully quiet. Normally he is yapping.

[C]

No, I'm just. It's down to the nitty gritty here. I need the points.

[E]

Nice. They think it's me. I could see this being possibly me. I don't even know if this didn't happen to me, but I didn't. It's not my story.

[D]

I've been wrong every time. So I am not gonna guess Jay. I'm gonna list.

[C]

This could be Lewis. That again.

[E]

It could be Lewis again.

[F]

Every story does sound like Lewis.

[D]

Who are you going with?

[E]

J.

[D]

Problem Lewis. How certain are you it's Jay?

[E]

I'm thinking Joe list.

[A]

Jay. I mean, I have a pretty good intuition. Here's one of the reasons why I win so much is because I can tell when it's Jay's stories.

[D]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[E]

Does he always write it could be Lewis. This could be Lewis.

[D]

Does he always write like one sentence?

[A]

No, he has no.

[F]

He.

[A]

He's played. He's learned how to play the game.

[F]

Game.

[D]

How old were you when your mother passed away?

[A]

Me, 22 years old.

[D]

Ah, it could be you.

[A]

Could be.

[D]

She was probably. She was leaving it around.

[C]

I think. I think it's. I'm confident it's Jay or Lewis, but I'm leaning J.

[F]

It is a very short sentence which Joe didn't have a lot of time to put stories.

[A]

Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, it's a small sentence. Is that why it's. Is that how it's small?

[E]

It is making me think that I lost again.

[D]

God damn it.

[C]

I suck.

[A]

Jay, did you vote me?

[C]

Who did Shane put?

[A]

I went.

[D]

Joe put Jay.

[E]

It might be you.

[C]

No, it's Jay.

[E]

Where's Joe List? A.

[D]

It's Jay, Alex.

[E]

It's not me. Oh.

[G]

Story number six belongs to Joe List.

[D]

God damn it. Dude.

[A]

I had.

[C]

Was a very small amount of period blood.

[F]

How did it happen?

[C]

I took a shit. I was like 7 years old. I took a shit right after my mother was in the bathroom. And then I had to push my dick down because I have a little dick. And it scraped the toilet bowl, and when I pulled it up, it was bloody.

[A]

Ew. Your mom didn't flush?

[C]

No, she.

[A]

What a pig.

[C]

She took her tampon out and it splattered on the thing and then flushed it down the toilet, but there was remnants and it got right on my. I cleaned it up.

[E]

Dude, can you tell that into my voice memo? Slower.

[C]

What's the big deal?

[D]

That's terrible.

[F]

I mean, you came from there.

[C]

Yeah, it was on my face at one point. That was in 08 on my birthday.

[E]

Just for a minute. Just for a minute.

[A]

Six stories down. Where our points at?

[G]

All right. In last place with four points, Shane Gillis. In fourth place with eight points, Luis J. Gomez.

[D]

Piece of.

[A]

Don't boo me for him, you cunt.

[D]

Low energy. Low energy. Lewis, he brought it. He brought us all down here, and he still has low energy. He got high and has low energy. It sucks.

[C]

Lewis doesn't even care about Skank Fest anymore.

[D]

Yeah, he already got you here, dude. Pro promos. He's all, hey, come on down.

[A]

If I can.

[D]

Blah, blah, blah. Then you see reverse and he's like, got you.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm going get high. Look at all these chumps.

[C]

Lewis told me he's going to bed at 8pm tonight.

[A]

It's not true. I'll be at the. The Naked Roast and the goddamn Comedy Jam. Don't you worry. The goddamn Comedy Jam. We're literally clearing out all the seats out of here. It's just going to. The entire room will be filled with everyone at Gang Fest. It's going to be insane.

[D]

Oh, damn. I didn't know that was tonight.

[C]

Yeah, it's every night, baby.

[D]

Might be a little dragula.

[A]

Alex, continue with our points.

[D]

No, I'm not going to be able to walk.

[G]

In third place with nine points, Brad.

[C]

Williams, respectable bronze medal.

[G]

In second place with 12 points, Joe List, heartful and in the lead with 14 points. Big J over.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Jerry, this chick keeps on standing up. She's so excited.

[E]

She's very excited for me. Thank you.

[A]

She's so excited for you. Oh, dude, I hope you lose.

[D]

They.

[E]

They sort of do too.

[A]

I don't even. Dude, I don't even want to win. I just want you to lose.

[E]

I know.

[A]

All right, story warriors.

[B]

Let's take a quick moment to thank Body brain Coffee for being a longtime supporter of the show. Body brain coffee is a coffee brand that I started not long ago. That's not just coffee. It's coffee that is blended with amazing adaptogens and nootropics that help both brain function and with your testosterone. Testosterone support. Naturally, you don't have to put a needle in your ass. You don't have to go to a doctor. You can drink one cup of coffee every day naturally, bring up your testosterone levels naturally, help with your brain function and memory and overall mood and energy. Jay, I know you've been putting body bread coffee directly into your anus and you've never been sharper.

[E]

I'm sure I've never ever been sharper and my colon feels clear. And I'll say that's maybe a side effect, but maybe not. Results may vary for other people, but I am yoked.

[B]

Yeah, we're not saying boof it. We're saying drink it like a normal cup of coffee. You could drink it hot, cold, put it into a shake.

[E]

That's just not how I get down, dude. It's going on my ass.

[A]

I get it, dude.

[B]

You put in your protein shake, which is my favorite way to do it. I take a vanilla protein shake.

[A]

It's a little portable packet.

[B]

You pour it right in, just shake it up and you got a coffee flavored protein shake. It's truly great. BodyBringCoffee.com is the website. Go right now and we're gonna give you an amazing disc. Use the promo code War20. War20. You're going to save 20 off today. You can subscribe and get it monthly. You can buy it on Amazon as well. Check out all the reviews. If you love it, tell a friend. Bodybraincoffee.com. all right, folks, let's take a quick moment and thank Brunt Workwear for supporting the show. I love my Brunt workwear boots. I have the Marins. I have. I bought my son a pair.

[E]

Say you got James some.

[B]

He wore them today to school, dude.

[A]

He literally was like, I. I swear.

[B]

To God, I swear on his life.

[E]

He got recruited by the Aryan Nation. No, he.

[A]

He was like, oh, my God, dad.

[B]

These are the most comfortable boots ever.

[A]

Which, that's the whole thing about them. But I wish I should have even.

[B]

Taken a fucking video and showed his.

[A]

Reaction because he was so lit on these boots.

[B]

They feel like an old pair of already broken in sneakers that you're putting on for.

[A]

But they're fresh boots that you're wearing.

[B]

For the first time. They look great if you have to work long days on your feet. Typically, work boots suck. They really. They really don't feel great. These are the most comfortable boots that you're ever going to wear and they have a full range of high performance gear as well.

[E]

Just, oh, all day long, dude. Heavy duty work pants, weather resistant jackets. Whatever your job demands. They got you covered. Try a pair on the job and you can return them hassle free if they're not perfect. That's a pretty cool. Pretty cool guarantee. You work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots. So Brunt built something better. Boots that are insanely comfortable and built for any job site. For a limited time. Story wars fans get $10 off at Brunt when you use the code wars at checkout. Just head over to bruntworkwear.com and use that code wars with a Z Warz to go after you order, they're gonna ask you where you heard about Brunt. Make sure you tell them that story War sent you. That helps us out. All right, let's get back into it.

[A]

Alex. Story number seven.

[G]

Story number seven. I once almost hooked up with a large woman with small boobs and long hairs on her big nipples.

[D]

It's small stuff. What the happened?

[F]

Small boobs.

[C]

Small boobs.

[A]

Small boobs.

[D]

That's how you guys play this?

[F]

Wait, according to who? Because. Because with my hands, all tits look massive.

[E]

That's fair.

[C]

There are two commas, right?

[E]

That does take bread out of it. This is comma head.

[D]

But long hairs are big.

[A]

See, here's the thing. I've known big J for 20 years and he hooks up with women exactly like this.

[E]

Right off, dude. So I've watched you hook up with women.

[A]

We've done it together.

[E]

Hand turkey.

[F]

He's saying Almost. That's the thing. So it's like it does say almost.

[E]

That's true.

[D]

It doesn't say almost.

[F]

Is too proud to say that they.

[C]

Did it, but they blew it at the last second. It's Lewis.

[D]

Come on, man. Please.

[C]

No, this is Jay, Brad or Shane.

[A]

This is Jay, Brad, Shane or Joe or me.

[F]

Had to narrow it down, be one of those.

[A]

Or it could possibly be me. I have no idea.

[D]

I can tell you it's not me. Mine are all with the topic.

[A]

This is on topic. Small.

[C]

Small. Isn't this small, Boo?

[D]

You can just include small in any story.

[F]

That's my whole.

[A]

That's the whole thing.

[E]

Yeah, I did.

[D]

I, I, I thought we had to stay. I don't know.

[C]

I didn't know Shane was such a stickler.

[D]

Well, they were like, hey, write five stories about small stuff. I would have never been like hooked up with a lady with hairy nipples. Oh, her boobs were small. I technically I got it. That's crazy.

[F]

See the thing that game sucks.

[D]

I suck at Shane.

[A]

It might be Shane. He might be really playing the game right now.

[F]

He said he almost hooked up because.

[D]

There'S no way I wouldn't not Shay.

[F]

Would not admit to that in public.

[D]

If I got to see the hairs, if the nipples were already out and I saw the hairs, I'm going.

[E]

Who.

[D]

Here is gay enough to stop with nipple hair?

[C]

This is a great point, but that, but also it could mean they it up at the last second. Which makes me lean to towards Lewis.

[E]

You gotta up big to up with a girl with hairy nipples, dude.

[A]

What do you mean? Why would I be it up at the last minute? Understand this.

[C]

Well, say something. The nword slips something crazy and she goes, oh, this guy's a psycho. It's Jay. I mean, what's your name again? Lewis J. It's confusing.

[D]

How dare you put that on me.

[A]

Dude, I'm gonna go with my instinct here. And Big J just had the last story. But two stories in a row happen all the time. The fact that Alex is is quoting.

[C]

Jay didn't have the last.

[G]

Big J did not have the last story.

[A]

Alex, don't talk back to me in front of a thousand people in a room. Everybody else, either way, I think this is Big J. My instinct, this is a Big J type story. He hooks up with gross women and that's, that's crazy.

[C]

I'm starting to think Brad is not.

[E]

Mine's like a Shane.

[D]

It's not me.

[E]

Never mind.

[D]

Then Jay. The way he pointed that nasty painted finger at Me?

[C]

But boobs feels like a word a little person would use.

[D]

Y.

[E]

That was actually right.

[C]

Pick it up.

[D]

That easy.

[A]

Hey mister, you take your hand off.

[D]

You can't pick it up.

[C]

No, no, no.

[D]

This game. I don't give a.

[A]

No, dude, no, no.

[E]

You can let it go, dude.

[D]

You guys are so. Oh, now, now who's the stickler? Joe List? More like Joe rules.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

I don't know. It's Brad or Jay. I gotta go, Jay.

[D]

Cuz somebody's got to make this crowd laugh.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

I can't lose all the points, so I gotta go with everybody else. Although I do think it might be Brad.

[E]

Me?

[D]

You're the one who made me change. I was gonna write Brad.

[A]

All of our answers are in Alex.

[G]

All right. Story number seven belongs to Big J.

[D]

Yes, yes, yes. It's a good thing I couldn't change it. We're back. I'm back in the game, buddy.

[E]

I really wish you could have changed it. I was hoping you were going to change it.

[C]

I hate to upset everybody, but I think we might have a new leader.

[A]

Jay, tell the. Tell this story first. There's not much more to it.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. Except I met her on the Internet. This is a real age sex location thing. And then I got there and I saw those nips. And I think she saw me tongue out, go cross eyed big like. Like what the is these things? And then she said she had to do something real quick. And then I think that was gonna go get rid of her nipple hairs. And then I just left while she.

[A]

Was in the bathroom.

[D]

Wait, what was this?

[F]

Is that how it stopped?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Well, that would have been. If she would have come back with no nipple hair. That would have been the craziest thing ever, right?

[E]

She goes, oh fuck, he saw my nipple hair. All of it makes the energy enough that I went home.

[F]

You didn't want to go flossing?

[E]

No, no, not this time.

[C]

I am pumped to hear the leaderboard, Alex.

[A]

Where our points at?

[G]

All right. In last place with eight points, Shane Gillis.

[D]

Come on, it's fun. If you all say don't just sit there. Why'd you come down here if you didn't just sit, not participate, huh?

[G]

In fourth place with nine points, Brad Williams. Williams.

[E]

Everyone gets their own thing.

[G]

In third place with 12 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[D]

Sack of boo. Boo. Piece of boo.

[A]

Shane. Boo. Shame.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

He's really rich. He's got a touch.

[D]

Boo.

[A]

I'm one of you. He's not like you all at anymore.

[D]

No, no. He made all his money right here in the show. I lost money to be here. Yeah, you, Louis. Yes, yes, yes.

[F]

Cheer capitalism.

[D]

Freaks. Freak. Follow me, freaks.

[F]

The rich guy, he openly mocks you.

[A]

I don't understand why you love him so much.

[D]

They love it. They don't. I love him.

[E]

You?

[D]

I. Yes. They're like.

[A]

They're like a fat chick that wants to get abused by a hot guy.

[D]

Don't talk like that. See? See how he thinks of you? Disgusting. I love you guys. I care about you.

[A]

Alex bore our point to that.

[F]

That's why he's here.

[G]

And tied for the lead with 16 points each. Big J. Okerson and Joe List.

[F]

Joe List playing the beginning of the end.

[E]

Beginning of the end.

[A]

This is it.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Truly anybody's game still. This is it, guys. You guys having a great time? It's our final story Wars. The first story wars officially of Skank.

[E]

Do you understand? If I don't get to take home the weight of all things. Which keeps its focus on resilience. Even as Nicholas faces hunger, fear and adults who want to use him for their own causes, what he keeps moving forward with hope. The story becomes a reminder of how determination can cut through even the darkest of situations. The way the water is going on.

[D]

With someone, can you tell you what war it is?

[E]

Huh?

[D]

Isn't it like in a war torn place? Where is this?

[E]

No, but Nicholas has like a weird. Like a little. A little dash over the A.

[D]

Get him out.

[A]

One more story, Alex. Story number eight.

[G]

Story number eight. As a small child, I played in a.

[D]

Wrote a paragraph, wrote a list.

[G]

As a small child, I played in a youth YMCA basketball game. one point I airballed a shot and the referee started chanting air ball. The parents of both teams got upset and the ref was fired.

[F]

All right. Not Jay. He wouldn't be in youth.

[C]

Who did Shane put you?

[E]

Yo, Brad. Yeah, I'm nasty on the court.

[A]

Jay, stop saying.

[F]

You got handles.

[A]

Love handles.

[D]

That's nice.

[F]

That was a good joke.

[C]

It's definitely the funniest if it's Brad.

[E]

Yeah, well, saying as a small child, that's funny. I already like that as a small child. Not as a small child. Adult. There's a small child. This happened.

[F]

I was 24 years old when the story happens.

[D]

But would he say small child or just child?

[C]

This is Shane.

[E]

No, I think this could be Shane as well.

[D]

It is not.

[C]

Is it a small story?

[E]

No, he says it's a small ch.

[C]

I know.

[D]

They inserted small into the story.

[C]

Yeah, so I'm saying it's not me, so maybe it's not Shame. By the way, you played sports as a kid.

[D]

Yeah, but I. I didn't.

[F]

You seem like the kind of kid that a ref would mock.

[D]

All right, well, you and me are never going to be friends.

[C]

Throw them in the crowd.

[E]

Wait a second. I'm just reading. I'm just really reading this through for the first time.

[B]

What?

[E]

Psycho place. The referee started chanting airball. That's crazy.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

The referee could be Philly or Boston.

[E]

No, this feels like Lewis doesn't know who anybody is in a basketball game and he thought it was the referee when it was the audience. This could. This could be Lewis. J.

[A]

You think that I played in a.

[D]

Youth ymca, by the way.

[E]

By the way, can I say this? It says, as a child I played an A youth YMCA game.

[C]

True.

[E]

Which is like your mother made you go. So she could turn tricks. So she could turn tricks in the house. No, that's facts. You can't get mad at me for that. That's facts. Okay, maybe that's fact.

[C]

I'm thinking Jay now, but it could be racist.

[E]

I didn't play youth ymca, dude. I play with black kids in the streets, dude.

[D]

Yeah. The parents would not get upset in a. In a black gym. In a black gym, if the ref chanted airball, they'd all laugh.

[E]

Oh, absolutely.

[D]

This is a white gym. This is Boston. This is Joe.

[A]

Joe. Liz plays basketball. Well, he played as a kid. This is a fact.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. A referee chanting airball at a small child is a Boston thing to do through and through.

[F]

Although it's Boston. So was like, this person wrote the R in there. Boston would have dropped the R. Airball. No, that joke fell flat.

[D]

No, it was good. It was good.

[F]

I thought it was all right.

[D]

Nothing's working.

[A]

Joke.

[C]

No, that was an air bomb.

[D]

Yes. Loose list. Yeah.

[E]

You. This.

[D]

I mean, this has been such.

[A]

This is the Joe list is the answer.

[C]

I'm torn. This is dumb. And this is for all the marbles here.

[A]

This is it. Joe. Joe and Big J are both tied right now for the lead.

[C]

Whatever. Whatever Jay writes, I'm writing. I think it is Jay.

[E]

Actually.

[A]

The crowd is getting rowdy.

[D]

It's definitely Jay. He's writing Lewis. It's obviously not Lewis.

[E]

You think so?

[D]

I don't think it's Lewis. I think it's. I think it's Liz.

[E]

Who you saying, Joe?

[D]

I wrote this. He's saying you.

[C]

I think it's. I've had everyone written down. Maybe it's Shane.

[E]

I thought it was Shane at first, but this referee. Ch. Airball is, is insane.

[C]

It is insane.

[F]

I think it's Shane because he's he, I, I, I know you played sports as a kid.

[D]

No, I wish you would step back.

[E]

From that ledge, my friend.

[D]

I did play sports. I would never say in a youth YMCA game.

[E]

Right, that's what I'm saying.

[D]

When I was a kid I played basketball and this happened. I would never. Whoever played, whoever wrote this stopped playing basketball pretty early.

[E]

Yes. This is a guy whose mother go do something because she was doing junk.

[C]

Can I say I'm legitimately no nervous.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah. No. You want.

[D]

Go ahead.

[A]

You know, my mother wasn't doing junk when she was raising me.

[B]

Never.

[A]

You piece of.

[E]

And turkey.

[D]

So wait, Lewis, you never, you never played basketball, right?

[A]

I did play whatever the equivalent of just for fun basketball would be pal. I played pal basketball for one YMCA one season.

[E]

Where's B? Playing a ymca probably.

[D]

Yeah, definitely.

[C]

I've written everybody down.

[A]

Yeah, no, I play. I played for one like you know, one thing. It was full court basketball. It was terrible.

[B]

I was bad.

[A]

I hated it.

[D]

Who when they would never pass me the ball list. What was your other story that we've read?

[C]

Period blood.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

He only had one. He is a one sentence guy. This is a paragraph man. And Brad's been a bit of a paragraph man so far.

[E]

Far a paragraph. Oh my God. We didn't consider the person most likely to shoot an airball. What is he, a superhero?

[D]

No, that's, that's all of us.

[C]

I'm going Brad.

[D]

I, I think it might be Brad.

[C]

Very little confidence. I have very little confidence.

[D]

I think it might be Brad.

[A]

He's. Brad was six feet from the net and he gave it everything he had.

[D]

Brad writes paragraphs.

[E]

He had to shoot that from the heels.

[F]

You think, you think I could get a shot off? That would be an airball. It would be blocked.

[D]

The only way.

[E]

That's the only layup where you have to make this sound.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. The only way people would be upset in the gym is if Brad was the one.

[A]

You're right.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

But you know that is true. No, no, no. But also what type of evil referee.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Would yell hairball at a little person Child.

[E]

No, I mean exactly.

[A]

The cutest beings ever. This is one of little person as, as like children and like baby chicks are the cutest creatures ever.

[E]

His mom left his dad for a.

[D]

I think it's Brad.

[C]

This is what I'm thinking. This is the story. Brad couldn't get a shot off he kept blocking him, and then everyone decided, you got to let him shoot one. Then it was an airball, and the ref broke the text tension with air ball. That's the story. It's Brad. Jay and I are going to a top race.

[F]

Oh, he's Colombo. He figured it out.

[D]

Wait, if they tie, do we. Is there an extra story? It's all overtime.

[A]

Come on, Alex. Alex, whose story was this?

[D]

Say it's Brad. It's the paragraph, man.

[A]

Paragraph, man.

[G]

Your final story belongs to Brad Williams.

[D]

God damn it. I gotta stop writing right away.

[C]

What a battle.

[A]

Brad, How. How close. How close was Joe List?

[F]

How close was Joe List?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh, no, I. I was actually a pretty good youth basketball player because the. Because when I was playing in YMCA, the hoops were only 8ft tall, so I could get it up there. Hey. But one time I. I got an airball and the ref started chanting at me, and both sides just were like, what the, dude? And the rep was fired on the spot.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

What was he drunk?

[F]

Apparently his wife, like, cheated on him with Billy Barty or something.

[E]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It must have been the case. Dude, that's personal.

[F]

Could have done a more modern midget reference than Billy Barty.

[D]

No, Billy Barty's awesome.

[A]

All right, so the way it works, Jolis, right now, Big J are tied. I mean, we do know that. Alex, how many points do Joe and Big J have?

[G]

They have 20 points each.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

It's crazy. What do I have?

[E]

Four?

[A]

So it is. It's only between these two for overtime. The way it's going to work is they're both going to wager between 0 and 20 points of their 20 points. You can choose the amount of points, your wagering, and then we're going to read one story. It's going to belong to either me, Brad, or Shane. So you guys can vote on whoever you want to vote for. But first, you're going to wager your.

[B]

Points silently and secretly. Big J wagers zero point Jeopardy style.

[D]

Let's go.

[F]

This.

[A]

Okay, Big J, with a confident wager.

[D]

You gotta go all in.

[A]

Alex. Story number nine.

[G]

Story number nine. I gotta get you a fresh one. My bad.

[E]

It's real. This is really.

[C]

Wait, it literally says the name again.

[E]

Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Everybody calm down.

[G]

I'm sorry.

[E]

Wait, are you full curtain pull. Let me tell you.

[A]

It says air ball.

[E]

Did I read it One time I was on vacation and it was a rainy day. I was the only person in the water. So I thought after zoning out, I felt myself bump into someone it was a kid I went to high school with that I hadn't seen 10 years.

[D]

Small stuff.

[E]

What a small world. Parentheses. Lewis.

[C]

I'm gonna go with Shane on this one.

[D]

They know you were allowed to do that. I would do that.

[A]

From now, you are a jack off.

[G]

You know what, everybody? Story number nine.

[D]

Holy shit.

[E]

Jesus Christ. This fucking story goes into the story wars logo.

[F]

That's an essay.

[G]

I used to work at a theme park as a bodyguard for the characters. At one point, while taking a character backstage for their break, a mother with a baby was arguing for the character to stay out and take more photos. When we said no, she tossed her baby at the character. The character caught the baby mom took a photo and then went on her way.

[F]

Well, I'm the most likely to work.

[E]

At a theme park, but a bodyguard for the characters. But I guess you do have to stop them from children.

[A]

Well, he was like a bodyguard for like the little like. Like fairy characters.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[D]

I'm not playing, but that's who it is.

[E]

No, but you could talk it out. I mean, you think Lewis.

[D]

Yeah, maybe. I mean, aren't you only reading me Brad or Lewis's stories?

[E]

Yeah, if you think this is Lewis, obviously.

[C]

I just think Jay would know that Lewis was a bodyguard at a theme park for character.

[F]

Yeah, he worked at a theme park.

[C]

I worked at Skank Park.

[F]

Don't give me any ideas or do.

[E]

I don't know.

[C]

Mr.

[F]

Beast has a theme park. Why not Skank Park?

[A]

Dude, I'm going on the ferry Ferris wheel directly after this.

[E]

Let me tell you something. Shane Gillis played college football. No shot from Western Pennsylvania.

[A]

Big boy.

[D]

Are you talking about Hershey Park?

[E]

Where we have Hershey Park, Dorney Park.

[F]

Oh, I was just thinking straight Disneyland, several parks.

[D]

The only thing close to me was Williams Grove.

[E]

Well, tell you what.

[D]

No characters.

[E]

Big boy, college guy. A little side work on the summertimes when you're trying to keep in shape where your body guard for goofy characters.

[D]

I never had a job while I was playing football.

[E]

That's what I would say as a liar.

[D]

I don't have anything to gain. Jay. It's obviously Lewis. Wait, Joe, Joe, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Erase that and win. Erase it and win. Let. Don't let go.

[C]

No, no. You know the crowd wants.

[D]

You think I want Jay to win me? No, no, no. I swear I'm not.

[A]

Don't look at his wager points yet. Alex, whose story was story number nine?

[G]

Story number nine belongs to Brad Williams.

[A]

Wow. They were both Wrong. They were both wrong.

[F]

It's called being a character host. And I used to work at Disneyland. You not one of the seven. And. And there was a time like, you know, the characters have to go on and take a break. So I'm taking Mickey Mouse backstage to take a break and a woman comes up and he's like, we need one more photo. And I'm like, literally just wait here for three minutes. I'll bring out another Mickey Mouse. Cuz, you know, they switch the Mickey Mouses. And then what? She just. And she just yelled Mickey and threw her baby in the air and like a chips.

[D]

See?

[F]

Yeah. Mickey just caught the kid. She took up the photo and then just. And just walked off. Craziest thing I've ever seen.

[A]

Wow. So right now they're both wrong.

[F]

Who wager the.

[A]

We have who. Yeah, essentially. Who wager more points is the loser right now. Joe, how many points did you wager?

[C]

Why is it Jay should show his first.

[A]

Sure. Jay, how many points did you wager?

[C]

Go show him.

[E]

Wait.

[F]

You go all in.

[A]

Jay Wager 15 points.

[F]

15 points.

[A]

15 points. VJ wagered. So the. That brings the score down to five.

[D]

Well, we love big.

[C]

It's gang fest. This is about love and happiness. We know who the crowd wants. I got great news for you guys.

[A]

18 points. Ladies and gentlemen, your winner right here at Skank Fest in a legendary moment.

[F]

We are the champions, my friend.

[E]

Big day.

[A]

He goes home with the weight of all things. Jay, how do you feel right now? Give a little speech.

[D]

Speech, gang.

[A]

Speech. Speech. Speech.

[D]

Speech.

[C]

Brad, stand up.

[E]

This is amazing. I think this is my seventh maybe. Maybe seventh win. This book is gonna. It's gonna have a good home. You guys mean the world to me. And thank you so much to our amazing panel. Fucking Joe List. Brad Williams, Shane fucking Gillis in the house. Story warrior once again. Thank you guys all for being here here y. What's next? What's even next? There's so much more stuff to go. Go. Ride the gravity Zone.

[A]

Everyone.

[E]

Thanks for hanging out for Story Wars. I'm Big J Oson.

[A]

I'm L. Gomez.

[E]

Until next time, Pe.