077. Doug Stanhope, Ron Bennington, Tony Hinchcliffe | Late Night

Summary

Story Warz Podcast: Episode 077

Guests: Doug Stanhope, Ron Bennington, Tony Hinchcliffe
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J. Gomez
Date: January 23, 2026 | Recorded Live at The Stand Comedy Club, NYC
Theme: "Late Night" — Hilarious, Competitive Deceptive Storytelling

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Episode Overview

This wild, unpredictable "Late Night" episode of Story Warz features five comedy titans—Big Jay Oakerson, Luis J. Gomez, Doug Stanhope, Ron Bennington, and Tony Hinchcliffe—battling in a game of storytelling, bluffing, and deduction. Each submits several personal (or fake) stories, and the panel must guess the real storyteller, racking up points for correct guesses or successfully deceiving others. With shifting point rules, raucous crowd energy, and classic comic banter, this episode delivers a barrage of outrageous confessions, sharp wit, and inside jokes, all fueled by booze, mushrooms, and late-hour delirium.

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Key Segments and Highlights

1. Opening Banter & Rules Explanation (00:31–08:52)

• Atmosphere: The crowd is rowdy at a packed Skankfest; the hosts riff on festival chaos.
• Game Setup:
  • Panelists submit 3–5 stories on "late night" experiences.
  • Producer Alex reads out selected anonymous stories.
  • Panel must bluff, deduce, and guess whose story it is for points.
  • Prizes include a signed John Reap table tent and a copy of "The Happiest Baby on the Block."
  • Stakes escalate later with double and then triple point rounds.
• Notable Quote:

  "I literally make up the rules. F*** you. And f*** this pussy. He sucks at the game. I'm going to butt f*** him tonight on this stage at Skank Fest." — Luis J. Gomez (02:02)

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2. Meet the Panel: Guest Introductions (03:38–06:31)

• Ron Bennington: Self-proclaimed "King of New York," wants "first two questions upfront."
• Tony Hinchcliffe: "I'm a man of the people. I believe in the streets, the peasants, the lowlifes." (05:30)
• Doug Stanhope: Makes his Story Warz debut as a living legend—"just setting the ball down after a touchdown," in his words.

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3. The Game Begins – Stories, Guesses, and Classic Riffs

Story 1: "I once threw a full kitchen garbage bag off the fourth floor balcony of a downtown Airbnb." (10:39–15:43)

• Analysis: Panel suspects Doug, Bennington, or Jay. Tony tries to dig for a tell.
• Outcome: It's Doug Stanhope.

  "We could have killed people... Like when you hear about kids throwing cinder blocks over the overpass—that could have been us." — Doug Stanhope (15:10)

Story 2: "We went peeping into a girl's window at 2am; her dad saw us and beat his daughter." (16:03–21:34)

• Analysis: Panel fixates on Lewis, then suspects Ron.
• Outcome: Ron Bennington's story; surprisingly dark suburban mischief.

  "She was a fat girl, so she was the first girl to have tits in our neighborhood... then [her dad] fucked her up." — Ron Bennington (20:26)

Story 3: "I like to find unanswered fan emails from years ago and call them in the middle of the night." (23:14–28:31)

• Panel’s Logic: This sounds so Stanhope-esque that Tony might be faking it.
• Outcome: It's Doug Stanhope again.

  "I'll call them at 3am and say, hey, just making sure you got your t-shirt. Sorry, just saw this." — Doug Stanhope (28:15)

Story 4: "Caught masturbating by a parent, shorts around knees, towel on chest." (33:25–38:29)

• Analysis: Everyone tries to disqualify themselves. Tony plays innocent.
• Outcome: Tony Hinchcliffe confesses, complete with the mortifying details.

  "She literally walked in and goes, 'Oh, Jesus Christ, Tony.'" — Tony Hinchcliffe (38:32)

Story 5: "Wrecked a friend's car while asleep in the driver’s seat; friend also asleep." (44:55–51:20)

• Panel: Suspects Ron as the prototypical 'bad old days' candidate.
• Outcome: Big Jay Okerson admits it was him, with Keith Robinson in the car:

  "When I woke up, we were all four tires in the air... By the way, [Keith] doesn't know I was asleep." — Big Jay Okerson (50:25)

Story 6: "Bought cocaine that looked like table salt from a man on the street at 3am; painful mistake." (54:26–60:36)

• Everyone: “We all have this story.”
• Outcome: It's Luis J. Gomez — happened in Amsterdam.

  "It wasn't in a bag. It was a piece of paper... When I unfolded it, it was just little crystals, like powder." — Luis J. Gomez (60:09)

Story 7: "Saw a severed head one night, only heard about it the next day while blacked out." (66:45–73:52)

• Speculation: Too extreme, must be a vet storyteller.
• Outcome: Ron Bennington again, in a harrowing lost memory tale.

  "We came up on a one-car accident and a f***ing head was in the road... I have zero memory of this." — Ron Bennington (72:45)

Story 8 (Triple Points!): "Last night, I looked up two of the panel members on celebritynetworth.com." (80:07–85:12)

• Everyone: Tries to pin it on the most status-obsessed, i.e., Tony or Jay.
• Outcome: Trick twist — Doug Stanhope admits to it!

  "I don't even believe celebritynetworth.com. I know what they say I have and they're wrong." — Doug Stanhope (84:39)

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4. Scoring, Chaos, and Finale

Throughout the game, the rules shift—double and then triple points in late rounds:

• Score Highlights:

  • Standout: Doug Stanhope ("the investigator") dominates, everyone laments not learning his system.
  • Final leader board:
    • Winner: Doug Stanhope (29 points)
    • Runner-up: Ron Bennington
    • Tied for last: Luis J. Gomez & Tony Hinchcliffe

• Notable Chants:

  "Free John Reap." (27:32)
  "Helping each other out from the rear." (61:19, 89:34)
  Tony : "Last time I saw a comeback like this, it was my back. Last night. Covered in cum." (75:17)

• Big Jay to Doug:

  "Are these points transferable to cryptocurrency?" (54:13)

• Prizes Awarded:

  • Stanhope wins "The Happiest Baby on the Block" book and the coveted John Reap signed table tent.

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Notable Quotes & Running Gags

• On the game:

  "Tony told me ahead of time, 'I made my stories sound like they're gonna be Doug's.'" — Big Jay (13:00)
  "Stop saying my name, sir." — Tony, when accused, every round (12:54)

• On masturbation:

  "Wrap it up like a burrito, squiggle it out, throw it in the hamper, miss because I'm not good at sports." — Luis J. Gomez (34:11)

• On drugs and ‘the old days’:

  "We weren't so woke. We fucking drove home drunk. We had a can-do attitude." — Ron Bennington (45:58)

• On the panel dynamic:

  "What we've learned after 70-odd episodes is that me and Big Jay have never once listened to each other talk." — Luis J. Gomez (55:33)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Rules & Guest Introductions: 00:31–06:31
• Story 1 & Guessing: 10:39–15:43
• Story 2 & Peeping Tom Confession: 16:03–21:34
• Story 3 & Middle-of-the-night Fan Calls: 23:14–28:31
• Story 4 & The Lotion Incident: 33:25–38:29
• Story 5 & Car Wreck: 44:55–51:20
• Story 6 & Fake Coke: 54:26–60:36
• Story 7 & The Severed Head: 66:45–73:52
• Story 8 & Celebrity Net Worth: 80:07–85:12
• Final Scores & Closing: 89:13–91:25

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

Irreverent, rowdy, and raw, the comics blend genuine late-night confessions with relentless ball-busting and deadpan misdirection. Doug Stanhope brings analytical precision and unpredictable honesty, while Ron Bennington and Tony Hinchcliffe dredge up both pathos and perversion. The hosts keep the competition raucous, letting the format stretch for bonus points and audience-driven twists. The panel's off-the-cuff confessions, quick banter, and recurring inside jokes make the episode a masterclass in live, comedic improvisation.

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Closing and Winner

• Doug Stanhope walks away with the win and the John Reap table tent. The episode closes with a burst of thank-yous, inside jokes about their respective careers, and a promise to keep the game’s chaos rolling in future episodes.

"You get to take home The Happiest Baby on the Block... How do you lose a game to somebody this not huge?" — Big Jay Okerson (89:13)

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Transcript

[Luis J. Gomez]

Before we start today's show, we want.

[Sponsor Announcer]

To remind you that we have incredible merch [e-mail] not only do we got T shirts, not only do we got hoodies, but we just added beanies for the winter, guys. So get them this winter. It's going to be a very limited time where you can get Story wars beanies. Just go to storywarsmerch.com all right, let's start the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Fill her up.

[Doug Stanhope]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network.

[Big J Okerson]

Geck fest new orleans. Who's ready for story wars? With the story warriors, big j okerson and lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jake omez.

[Doug Stanhope]

What the is up, Story Warriors? Welcome to Story Wars Skank Fest, our number two show. Make some fucking noise near, please. We are packed in the big room.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Packed to the gills. This is it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Packed up in that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay, you're supposed to be on this side.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, right.

[Alex (Producer)]

I always forget that for some reason.

[Doug Stanhope]

I do Legion of Skank seating. I'm Big J Okas. And this of course, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Luis J. Gomez. Papa Shango.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Papa Jay Shango.

[Doug Stanhope]

Papa Jay Shango. That hat's not comfortable at all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I know. It's actually not bad. Feel it.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I have hair, you fucking weirdo. I assume most of you guys were here for the first Skankfest Story wars where. Get your hand off of me. Where I reigned supreme victorious. Felt good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't think it should count because it was only streamed on veeps. What I feel like because it was only streamed on veeps and it's not a real episode that goes out to all the.

[Doug Stanhope]

No. Is that true?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So I don't know if you count for your record. Look, I don't make up the rules. I literally make up the rules. Fuck you. And fuck this pussy. He sucks at the game. I'm going to butt fuck him tonight on this stage at Skank Fest. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You know what? Shut it down. Shut it down.

[Doug Stanhope]

Shut the whole festival.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The show's over. Veep Shut. Shut the cameras off.

[Doug Stanhope]

Man. Don't you wish there was like a big old power switch to the back for a second Again.

[Luis J. Gomez]

These.

[Doug Stanhope]

Gang Fest is over. Having it for Chris Rogers one more time. Working on that picture of Dane Cook.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is that a who Is that a.

[Doug Stanhope]

Picture of Dane Cook? Tim Dylan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tim Dillon. Who's who canceled on the festival?

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Yeah. He's going to do a big circle slash over his face when he's done.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're just trying to make money you piece of. You're just trying to sell paintings to people that aren't even here.

[Doug Stanhope]

You piece of. Let's get our esteemed panel up here. What do you say? And then, well, we. You know what? God damn, dude. I'm so high. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Luis J. Gomez]

All familiar. J. They're all familiar.

[Doug Stanhope]

Technicality.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Who is not familiar with Story Wars? Yeah, you would be funny if there.

[Doug Stanhope]

Was just one person who was like, actually, this one. This one missed me. We'll get it explained once we get our panel up here. Who's over here picking up first?

[Alex (Producer)]

Louis.

[Doug Stanhope]

Point to someone.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Think.

[Doug Stanhope]

Okay. Ooh. Very fun.

[Alex (Producer)]

A radio legend, everyone.

[Doug Stanhope]

You've seen him do the Unmasked earlier with Dave Smith. Very, very exciting. You know him from Michelle Bennington on SiriusXM103. He's the best ever. Do it. Everyone make some noise for the hilarious Ron Benning.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ron Bennington, returning Story Warrior. You have a one win under your belt. How does that feel?

[Ron Bennington]

Want to know? They call me the King of New York. That's where I won. That picked up the strap. But I can't stay late tonight, so I'd like to get my questions up front. First two questions and then I gotta go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay, well, we'll see what we can do about that. Your next competitor coming to the stage, also a former Story wars champion. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the one and only Tony Hinchclan.

[Doug Stanhope]

There's one guy in the front row alone is hilarious.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There's, like, seven people who really think you're gay.

[Doug Stanhope]

Don't Worry, there's like 2,400 others that don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good to be here, everybody.

[Big J Okerson]

It's great to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you very much. You are graced with my presence.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thank you for doing the festival. I mean, year after year after year. I think eight years in a row now you've done the festival.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a man of the people. I believe in the streets, the peasants, the lowlifes. That's why. That's why I do it.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's why you don't hook up with chicks.

[Alex (Producer)]

You're too.

[Doug Stanhope]

You belong to the people, man. They can't. You can't share with somebody else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a man of the people.

[Doug Stanhope]

The people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'm proud to be representing the gays here tonight. Thank you very much. Thank you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Everyone is equal. Last but not least, our final contestant making his Story wars debut got his work cut out for him. Going against two returning Story Warriors. He Is a living legend, everyone. His special discount meet available on YouTube right now. He's currently on tour. Make some noise for Doug Stanhope.

[Big J Okerson]

That's me.

[Ron Bennington]

Old school football.

[Big J Okerson]

Just setting after a touchdown. I just set the ball down. I don't do a celebration dance.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug, welcome and thank you so much for being a part of story war. It's your first time here. I will, now that we have everybody in their seats, explain the game one more time for the people at home, I guess, who don't know what's happening here. Everybody on this panel, all five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, late night. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to.

[Alex (Producer)]

Take eight of those stories and read.

[Doug Stanhope]

Them off one at a time. It will appear up here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every time you guess the story correctly.

[Sponsor Announcer]

You get two points. Every time you fool a person on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, you have the opportunity to get four points. That's the most points you can get once you write your answer on the dry erase board. Put the dry erase board in the slot right here. That is your final answer.

[Doug Stanhope]

Classic.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Can't change it, right? And I'll tell you right now, this.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Game is a lot of fun.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a ton of fun. Guys, we're going to have so much fun tonight in story wars, but we don't play for fun.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Jay, let him know what we're playing for.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't know there was math and writing.

[Doug Stanhope]

But it's all for something.

[Big J Okerson]

Doug, you'll just tell me if I have points.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, you're going to get into this, buddy, because if you win, you get to take home the happiest baby on The Block by Dr. Harvey Karp.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, all right, here, let me. Let me add to that because I did watch one episode of this in preparation because I do that kind of due diligence when it's a very important show like this. And I brought another prize I just got from the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida. They had this in there. It's a signed John Reap table tent, an autographed John Reap. So you can put that. The winner gets the John Reap. I go. You get a John Reap in your showcase of the legends that have played.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The comedy zone in J. John Reap is going to be headlining the knickknack theater tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I know you. I mean, you better not put that little baby book next to that John Reap poster.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah, right. It's not going to be the happiest baby on the block for long.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Welcome.

[Doug Stanhope]

It starts with the ideas. Let him go down on it. It starts with the idea is the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unhappiest baby on the block.

[Doug Stanhope]

It starts with the idea that newborns need more support than most people realize. Dr. Harvey Karp himself describes the fourth trimester, a period when babies are still adjusting to the world and rely heavily on soothing. The book explains how understanding the stage can make early parenting much smoother.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Woo.

[Doug Stanhope]

Happiest baby on the block Being fucked by John Reed. Somebody goes home with that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

I think we've all got it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're gonna get it. Everyone's pumped. Ladies and gentlemen, skankfast Nola, Are you ready for war?

[Big J Okerson]

It's packed. I think of it more of as a friendly competition.

[Doug Stanhope]

No. Is this crowd ready for war? Oh, you shot me in the stomach. I'm dying. An Asian person died.

[Ron Bennington]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

What say you, Eddie Pepitone?

[Ron Bennington]

Yeah, I have flat feet. Eddie was last night.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. And he's, I think he passed away.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, we'll mourn him after.

[Big J Okerson]

Someone's going to die in this festival. I, I, I said yesterday, three have already died.

[Doug Stanhope]

We've just kept it quiet. Alex. Story number one.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number one. I once threw a full kitchen garbage bag off the fourth floor balcony of a downtown Airbnb.

[Doug Stanhope]

Always work backward from Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

You're too old to have been in an Airbnb when you were in your garbage throwing days.

[Ron Bennington]

I got John Reed. John Reed, Legendary story.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm not Ron Bennington.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I agree.

[Big J Okerson]

You would hire someone to take out your garbage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I have people for that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Doug Stanhope]

What if it was just Tony throwing Puerto Ricans off the balcony?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Come on, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is what I call a bag of Puerto Ricans. I call it a garbage.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Throw an entire bag of Puerto Ricans off my roof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Puerto Ricans bagged. So, I mean, I'll give a little analysis here. I agree. I don't see this being Ron nor Doug. I think they're hotel people.

[Big J Okerson]

But are they partiers?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, no, I think it's down. I think this is, this stinks coming from down here. I, I think Big J just looked away real quick when I made eye contact with them. These guys, Story wars masters, they don't have a great poker face. I think that. I'm thinking Big J on this.

[Doug Stanhope]

I've never gotten a downtown Airbnb.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, let me say this. I don't think initially I was like, that's not Big J. This is somebody who's drunk, gets fucked up, throws it off the balcony. But this person could be just lazy.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's what I thought right away was.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This trying to hit, like, the dumpster outside of their window.

[Doug Stanhope]

I immediately felt lazy, and I would do that. But I've never gotten a downtown Airbnb. I don't know what that means. You get an Airbnb when you go somewhere away.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What are you talking about? That's such a weird line that you're drawing now. I'm thinking it's you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Maybe. Maybe it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But if it was somebody just throwing the garbage bag out of the window to be an asshole, I think it's Doug.

[Doug Stanhope]

I do think it might be Doug.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You see, Doug.

[Big J Okerson]

That sounds like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stop saying my name, sir.

[Doug Stanhope]

I feel like you threw it and then something said. Something profound.

[Big J Okerson]

Tony told me ahead of time. Oh, I made my stories sound like they're gonna be Doug's.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, nice.

[Big J Okerson]

But that doesn't sound like me. So I'm waiting for the one that sounds like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I shouldn't have said anything.

[Big J Okerson]

This could be Lewis, my stories. I thought, like, oh, wait, I. Like, I can't. Like, I can't say I shouldn't anyway. Like, I'm not gonna give it away, but, yeah, it made mine sound too much like me.

[Doug Stanhope]

This could be Louis for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I'm thinking this almost sounds too Louis to be Louis. I think Louis wouldn't send this in because he'd be like, oh, man, that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sounds all public, all the duh.

[Doug Stanhope]

Louis is writing me, so I'm writing Louis. That's just how I roll.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think this is Big J. Okerson.

[Doug Stanhope]

Don't let him deter you and think that I wouldn't do this. I'm not this kind of person.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ron Bennington having no respect for me.

[Ron Bennington]

Louis, I think you were trying to.

[Doug Stanhope]

I love that lack of respect. Louis with an O. Fuck, yeah. You're American, dude. Get used to it.

[Ron Bennington]

Do it the right way.

[Doug Stanhope]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Me? Doug, you can't. Did you not explain the show to him? It's okay that he did it now because everyone's already voted.

[Doug Stanhope]

But, Doug, not only did you explain.

[Big J Okerson]

It the right way to do it, I should have had my accountant here or my lawyer.

[Ron Bennington]

I don't know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You gotta vote for somebody else, even.

[Big J Okerson]

If it's But I get it, right? It's me. Isn't that right?

[Doug Stanhope]

Isn't that how you do argument against that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

That was the best logic I've ever heard.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, he twisted my brain into a knot. I got nothing for that.

[Big J Okerson]

We were tripping our balls off. Technically, it wasn't an Airbnb, but it was before it was a rental. Like an Airbnb in London. And me and Glen Wool and Bingo were off our fucking tits. And they're very particular about their trash over in London. And we're on this fucking balcony of the fourth floor and we just fucked taking this downstairs and we hurled it into. We could have killed people. Like when you hear this story about the kids that threw cinder blocks over the overpass and you know, that could have been us that killed someone. And we laugh, but in that bad laugh way. Like when, like, a mob is beating a bag lady to death and stomping her, like, cackling laughter.

[Doug Stanhope]

And we've all been there.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Great story from Doug Stanhope. Alex, where are our points at?

[Big J Okerson]

Did I win?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Yeah, you're the winner on the scoreboard. In the lead with four points, Doug Stanhope.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. One story down.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Alex, story number two.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number two. While staying in a friend's backyard tent as a kid, we went peeping into a girl's window at 2am her dad saw us and beat his daughter because he thought she had sex with us.

[Doug Stanhope]

What? Are we standing?

[Big J Okerson]

Can you repeat the story? I missed the middle parts. What? His dad. What?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

While staying in a friend's backyard.

[Big J Okerson]

I got it. I got it, Alex. Thank you. I guess my posture after last night has turned me into Brad Williams. I don't know. While staying, her dad saw us and beat his daughter because.

[Ron Bennington]

Oh.

[Doug Stanhope]

I mean, God damn it. It could be Lewis, but this also could be Ron.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So. I mean, we did have a girl that we would peep into her window all the time. And her dad was like, crazy. He would, like, chase us. He would catch us and we, like, chase us out of the yard.

[Doug Stanhope]

So it's you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't think he ever beat her because of it.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm doing right what you're doing. I had his too.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ready, Tony. Voting early. Wasting a vote. Tony. Why do you think it's me?

[Big J Okerson]

Because you had a story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You have a little disclaimer thing prepared. And the more episodes of this you guys do, the more that you give away. It's like. It's like poker again. You know, it's like when someone seems like they have a hand, they don't if they act like they don't, then they do, and you are acting like you don't.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Can you explain to me what poker is in a more slow and boring way?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's actually one of my story.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, you see, first you catch the river.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's coming up a second. One time when playing poker, I made it look like I didn't have a hand.

[Doug Stanhope]

Ronnie B. You're off the quiet over there, but.

[Ron Bennington]

Well, I'm still trying to figure out why Lewis was so excited about this. And I remember the last time we we played that I played with you guys. Louis liked to hear his stories the.

[Doug Stanhope]

Most, and he really did have a good time.

[Ron Bennington]

Every time Louis is like, this is a great fucking story.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is a great story.

[Ron Bennington]

It was Louis.

[Doug Stanhope]

You're not wrong about that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Ah, shit.

[Ron Bennington]

So I really, I don't know people. I can't read people. But I do know when someone's happy when they hear their own story.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's fucking Louis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Listen to me. I will tell you right now, it's not my story. You're wasting your vote. Big J, I think, is jumping on because I do think it's Big J's story again. I'm gonna vote.

[Big J Okerson]

Changed my vote immediately.

[Ron Bennington]

I I noticed that Doug didn't write down Doug, so I'm not picking him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are we two people writing my name on their boards? That's fine.

[Doug Stanhope]

I I.

[Big J Okerson]

Is this early balloting?

[Ron Bennington]

Yeah, it's early balloting. We want to make sure I went.

[Big J Okerson]

With you because tent. Right. You're the only guy old enough to have been hanging around in Intense.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm feeling.

[Big J Okerson]

16 year old peeping.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I didn't think about the tent part. A friend's tent a still exist. I've never, I've literally never hung out in a friend's tent.

[Ron Bennington]

It wasn't a cave. It was a tent.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, that's right. Big J's never been in a friend's backyard tent. There's no way.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, I'm asleep in some tent.

[Luis J. Gomez]

F. Doug Sandhope has convinced me that it is Ron B. I think A.C.

[Doug Stanhope]

I think it is Ronnie B. Alex. All five answers are in.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number two belongs to Ron Bennington.

[Ron Bennington]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Bam.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Stuff. Stanhope having some insight.

[Ron Bennington]

Stanhope is a master detective. He's unbelievable. He put the clues together and solved it.

[Big J Okerson]

I think you're being a little bit. I think you're blowing smoke up my ass. So I'm gonna put you down in the blind. I'm gonna put Ron for the Next one. No, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

[Ron Bennington]

That'll teach me. But yeah, it was a suburban thing is why I thought maybe I'd fucking give it away with that. But we did go down to see this girl. We were only like 12, and she was the first. She was a fat girl, so she was the first girl to have fucking tits in our neighborhood. So we all went down and looked in the window. And when we did. Cause we knew she was babysitting. A fucking car pulls up and it's her mom and dad. And we're just staring at them like 2 in the morning. And when we're 12. And then we said to the dad, hey, when does football tryout start? Cause he was involved in football. We fucking thought we got away with it. And then he fucked her up. He beat the shit out of her pretty bad.

[Big J Okerson]

And then it was a different day and age.

[Doug Stanhope]

It was a different day and age tense were all the rage.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Ron Bennington]

And we went out and stole milk cartons. But the beautiful thing about that is I think we all got a big kick out of it. It. As the years went by, you know what I mean? We could laugh about it.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Later.

[Alex (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Glory days.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

They pass you by. Hey, do you have one of those cigarettes? I have some right in my pocket. But I didn't sell out Times Square, so I'm gonna take all your fucking cigarettes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Time. Time Square isn't a venue. That's an area. You're thinking whatever. Square Garden.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Madison Square Terrarium. I don't fucking care. I. I sold a fucking 80 cedar in Charleston, South Carolina, and then got beat up by a gay man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the next story.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that was late at night.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our. We have two stories down. What is our point spread?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

All right, in last place with zero points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Big J Okerson]

Can I get an ISO on that?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In fourth place with one point, Ron Bennington.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Tied for second place with two points each, Luis J. Gomez. And Big J Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And Turkey.

[Doug Stanhope]

And Turkey.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

And in the lead with six points, Doug Stanhope.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Fuck. Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

The investigator.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, boy.

[Big J Okerson]

I respectfully say thank you. I don't need your adulation yet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Story number three.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number three. I like to find unanswered fan emails from years ago and call them the middle of the night.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Doug said that Tony was going to say he was going to write stories that sounded like Doug.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This could be Tony. Or it could 100%, without a doubt, undoubtedly be Doug.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, it's Doug. But is it somebody being Doug or Doug? Is it someone dugging out?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dugging out. The new podcast on Gas Digital.

[Big J Okerson]

Is insider trading illegal? Like the NBA? Like if I.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, it's all above board here. Yeah, right. Story wars has loose rules. This.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, Tony, is this you playing the game right now? Talk to me here. Let's read Tony's reaction a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well.

[Doug Stanhope]

Gentle, gentle. So far he's good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's got a good poker face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is an interesting thing, right? Because it says emails, it doesn't say messages, it doesn't say DMs or anything. Leaves us with.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me deconstruct it.

[Doug Stanhope]

We all say Ron's been a radio legend for a long time now. A lot of emails from fans over the years.

[Ron Bennington]

Yeah, but they're all really old now.

[Big J Okerson]

But hang on, how do you call an email? It says emails from years ago and call them. You have callers.

[Ron Bennington]

Good.

[Big J Okerson]

You have fucking callers. I know the seventh caller. He's probably waiting for the seventh caller from his last fucking terrestrial radio. He's right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

In order to call Ron, you have to be the seventh caller.

[Doug Stanhope]

He only answers the seventh call.

[Ron Bennington]

And the seventh caller is my coke dealer.

[Doug Stanhope]

He gets the tickets. You just got tickets to my house as fast as humanly possible.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going. I get it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'll go. Tony, what's going on here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're being a little quiet. You're being a little coy. I feel like I'm. I'm seeing you try to not change your face. I feel like all of the muscles in your face are trying to hold it together right now. There he goes.

[Big J Okerson]

That's boch.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Evil grin. Yeah, Tony. Tony's got an evil grin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's an interesting one. It's. It is. Doug has a great point. How can you call an email?

[Doug Stanhope]

Ah, wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The bonfire. The bonfire gets emails.

[Doug Stanhope]

Bonfire gets emails. Sure, sure. They do. Not from years ago.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting the voting going, Tony. Henchcliffe is my answer.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going with Ron.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Dammit. Now. I think it's Doug.

[Doug Stanhope]

Why are you staring at my board so hard?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Please write me, Jay. I want you to write me, you fucking idiot. So you can lose Imagine Jay won all the Story wars episodes. That's Gang fest. How fun would that be?

[Doug Stanhope]

I lost the first one already.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Good, I'm glad. I'm glad your ego is doing this. I'm glad your ego is doing it. Idiot. Idiot. You just gave up points. Now I'm ahead of you because It's Tony Alex.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number three belongs to Doug Stanhope.

[Big J Okerson]

The fans were yelling at me that I fucking drunk emailed and called from fucking 15 years ago. They were yelling it out. When the question got answered, I'm like, oh, well, that gave away the. No, it didn't. No, no, I still bluffed you out of it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug is walking through this game. He's crushing, like, Mr. Magoo. He said everything wrong, and he's winning the ball.

[Big J Okerson]

He's doing it for John Reap. John Reed.

[Doug Stanhope]

Free John Reap.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Free John Reap. Free John Reap. Reap. Free John Reap.

[Doug Stanhope]

He's not gonna do it again.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

No way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's learned his lesson for sure, dude. You get caught, you lose everything. You know, he's jumping right back on that horse.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, I love how creepy you guys think I am. Like, me calling people in the middle of the night's creepy Doug doing it's cool as.

[Ron Bennington]

No, that's true.

[Big J Okerson]

But at the time on my email from those days, my contact page had put your phone number in. So that's why they'd be like, 15 years ago, and they'd be like, hey, I ordered a T shirt. And do you know when it's coming? And I'll call them in the middle of the night and go, hey, I'm just making sure you get that T shirt. I live in a small town, so I have dial up still. I get my email. I just got this.

[Ron Bennington]

This.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, him doing all about customer service.

[Doug Stanhope]

Sorry, just saw this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Him doing. It's cool. Me calling somebody and being like, are you sleeping right now?

[Big J Okerson]

Is a common occurrence.

[Doug Stanhope]

Your day's been made.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you nestled under the covers? Unbelievable.

[Doug Stanhope]

You probably feel pretty safe right now.

[Big J Okerson]

That's how vain you are. You can do an impression of yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't know it until other people started doing it. It's an impression of Shane and Adam's impression of me. We're really doing it, Stan. Hope.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, shit.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, hey, remember Alex from before?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex passed out on your kratom.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In last place with one point, Ron Bennington.

[Doug Stanhope]

In the game. In the game.

[Big J Okerson]

You deserve better.

[Ron Bennington]

I know.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Tied for second place with two points each. Louis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson and Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

And in the lead with nine points, Doug Stanhope.

[Big J Okerson]

Peace. Peace. I'm doing it for the troops.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug has pulled ahead so far.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug, you are so close to bringing home the happiest baby on the block. Which explains how understanding a Newborn's basic needs makes the early months much easier. Karp talks about reading a baby's cues, noticing the patterns in their behavior, and creating a calming environment that supports their development. The book shows how small adjustments can make everyday care feel less overwhelming.

[Big J Okerson]

Use promo code Sodomy to avoid these problems.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doug, you keep this up, you're going to be selling out Times Square in no time.

[Doug Stanhope]

Hell yeah. Corner of 31st and 7th.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Okay, story warriors, let's talk about one of our brand new sponsors, which is Ultra. We love Ultra here at the podcast because it's just a great way to get your brain firing on all cylinders. If you're a story warrior, you know for a fact you got to be sharp, baby boy. If you play along with the show, you got to look for the ins and outs and then see who's lying and see what's going on. And that's why I love nootropics. I've been taking nootropics for a while now and they really help with brain function, memory, all that. And Ultra pouches, it's just like a nicotine pouch, but none of the nicotine, no caffeine. They have all these different pouches that are coming out right now. They're very trendy. This is actually a pouch that will make you feel great.

[Alex (Producer)]

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[Sponsor Announcer]

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[Luis J. Gomez]

We love gld.

[Sponsor Announcer]

I just got my GLD chains. You don't got to buy fake chains at pawn shops. You don't have to spend a wild amount of money on super hot.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're not a rapper.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Relax, guys, okay?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You want to look good, you want to feel good.

[Sponsor Announcer]

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[Luis J. Gomez]

Dude, he went to school with it the other day.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Everyone's complimenting him on it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And you don't got to worry about.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Somebody murdering you for your crazy, exciting, expensive gold chain.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, he thought it was expensive.

[Alex (Producer)]

So they did try to kill him. Luckily for nothing.

[Sponsor Announcer]

He was murdered for nothing.

[Alex (Producer)]

They got the anger of the devil.

[Doug Stanhope]

And so he was. He goes, you could just get this.

[Alex (Producer)]

For a fair [e-mail] for 50.

[Doug Stanhope]

Off with my father's code wars.

[Alex (Producer)]

And they were like, shut up. This thing cost $300,000. And then they told him to bite the curb.

[Big J Okerson]

And he did.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He did it and he loved it.

[Sponsor Announcer]

They have collabs with sports leagues and DC Comics, which is great. You can get your own custom piece at the GLD Custom shop as and a lifetime warranty so it'll be with you truly forever. Work hard and change the game. Once again, use that promo code warz warz for 50% [e-mail]. all right, where were we?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex? Story number four.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number four. When I was younger, I used to jerk off to help me fall asleep. One morning my parent walked in to wake me up for school and I had my dick in my lotion covered hand, my shorts around my knees, and a towel on my chest to collect the Kong.

[Doug Stanhope]

I feel like this is either Louis or Doug submitted 11 stories.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, here's the deal. I will say this is very famously my technique. I will lay the towel on my belly, jizz into the towel, fold the towel over my dad dick, wrap it up like a burrito, squiggle it out, throw it into the. Squiggle it out, throw it into the hamper, miss. Because I'm not good at sports, but I still try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Only problem is I never had a parent to wake me up for school in the morning.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, my parent is telling. That's Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, yeah, I had a mom and I had a dad, but it was before I went to school. He died. That's true.

[Doug Stanhope]

Before you could jerk off.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That is also true. I was jerking off very young.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

There's so much detail in this.

[Doug Stanhope]

What?

[Big J Okerson]

Usually it's like make it into a sentence with. With this little.

[Ron Bennington]

I'm proud of you. I can't believe how good you are in this.

[Big J Okerson]

Ron would fucking write this out that this with this much detail maybe. And jerking off with lotion. Who doesn't dry jack?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't and. But I don't use lotion. I use coconut oil.

[Doug Stanhope]

Now baby.

[Big J Okerson]

Baby oil will give me the random boner I could ever get anymore. The lotion feels weird.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It feels like my dick is burning.

[Doug Stanhope]

Trying to talk through it. But yeah, it doesn't matter. This is younger.

[Alex (Producer)]

When I was younger, you talk it.

[Big J Okerson]

Out like LA Confidential or whatever the crime busters. I'm. Why is this thing. Leave it off.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Cuz your hands are covered in. Doug couldn't get the cap off because his hands are covered in lotion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, they're low raw odor. Dry erasers.

[Doug Stanhope]

Lewis, tell me this isn't you.

[Ron Bennington]

You.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's not me. I will tell you right now. My mom caught me jerking off one time. It was when I was like 11. I was on my couch, she walked in, my pants were down around my ankles. She didn't say anything. Please waste your vote. Waste your vote.

[Doug Stanhope]

I will.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I would just just on waste your vote. I'm going Ron still. I'm staying with Ron.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ron.

[Doug Stanhope]

This could be Ron writing a very me or Lewis story.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a lot of words. Meaning it could be Jay as well. Parent means it was probably a father. Cuz Alex wrote it that way because she couldn't say dad.

[Doug Stanhope]

You think my father was there to wake me up for school when I was jerking off?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He left.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You lived with him for like a year, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Is a father.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, he just said father and there's no father in there.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, he was saying he's assuming I'm a father. Lewis is saying me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Boom. Big J. O is my answer.

[Doug Stanhope]

Don't worry everybody. We're golden. Alex, everybody's in. Rip it off.

[Big J Okerson]

I. I really want. Can I change my vote? Sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, Doug, it's Hinchcliff. No, no, it's Hinch plug.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, you can't change. You can't change once it's locked in.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, they hate it. They love you. This is how seriously they take it.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, it was Ron.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Ron Bennington]

Can I change my vote?

[Doug Stanhope]

No, no, no.

[Alex (Producer)]

Your hand.

[Ron Bennington]

Can I change Doug's vote?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nobody could change any votes. Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug's supposed to be changed to nothing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

All right, story number four belongs to Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Look at that slimy hand.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't like the rules.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's five points, Alex.

[Big J Okerson]

This is like the tush push there. There needs to be a rule change. I should be able to change it at the last minute before they announce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And by the way, just to let you know, I had to edit the hell out of that to make it that short. The reality is that the bottle of lotion which was normally nestled into a drawer was a secret bottle of lotion that I had so that my mom never caught on to what I was doing was next to the bed stand. So it was just absolute guilt and filth.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was men's body lotion. But you thought it was a man's body.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No. He used it for his face for so many years before he goes, oh, I can put this on my dick.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, that's why they both glow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got caught. She literally walked in and goes, oh, Jesus Christ, Tony. It was one of those where you're just waking up in pure shame.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And did you make breakfast still?

[Ron Bennington]

No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I went to school hungry that day. Starving. And I remain that way at halftime.

[Doug Stanhope]

Now, what are our scores, Alex?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

All right. On the scoreboard, in last place with one point, Ron Bennington.

[Doug Stanhope]

Still in the game. Still in the game. Still in it.

[Big J Okerson]

A long way to go.

[Ron Bennington]

It's bad. It's bad.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Tied for third place with two points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson. In second place with six points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

Big job.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Catch it up, Tony. Catch it up.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

And in the lead with nine points, Doug Stanhope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it was almost 10. He tried to change it to me at the last second.

[Big J Okerson]

I said, what a yes. I, I, I, I'm not gonna give away my yes. I have a system.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's the Japanese? LA Dodger? What's that guy's name?

[Big J Okerson]

At halftime, is there a way I could get a bedpan or a catheter? Because I really have to piss.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know, we do plugs real quick. Why don't you run and piss while we're doing plugs?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, wait, I want to do the plugs, though.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, do your plugs.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, you'll plug. You plug first. What? You plug first.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I, oh, I, I, I thought you meant like a sponsor. Casper Mattresses use promo code Stanhope. No matter what they say. While I'm pissing, is there just the pisses right there? All right, I got it. Don't let them fucking cheat while I'm away.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The great Doug Sandhope going to take a piss.

[Big J Okerson]

You're going to need more cigarettes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ron Bennington. What can you plug, my friend?

[Ron Bennington]

I got nothing to plug. Nothing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's when you know people don't respect your show, but they're like, nah, I don't even want your bump.

[Doug Stanhope]

We're good.

[Ron Bennington]

I got one point. I mean, can I just say this about Tony's thing because I'm thinking about it now. Was that a late night story or an early morning story when his dad walked in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That, that is a good point. Now that I think about it, it kind of is. But it was the, it was. I, I again, I had to edit it down. It started off as many, many jerk offs back then. This is like when I found out about it. This is like when you learn you can jerk off, you can go times.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, Tony, what are you plugging my friend Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a show that I do every Monday. Yeah, just go watch Kill Tony. Tell your friends about it. Verbally tell your friends about it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Big j okerson bigjay comedy.com for all my dates. I'll be coming to a city near you on Peter North American tour. Coming honesty near you. If you get it, you get it. I go everywhere. So come see me please. Doing some live streams on YouTube now. Make sure you start following those when I start doing them consistently. And then bonfire Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly five days a week. Faction Talk Series XO103 and of course the legion of skanks who flagship show right over here guess is your network.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Guys, come see me on the road. I'll be going everywhere this year. Brand new tour, brand new material. Go to LewisOfSkangs.com to grab those tickets. Make sure you check out all the other podcasts that I do. Legion of Skanks, the regs and my solo podcast, the Lewis journal podcast. That's right, all my journal maniacs. Make sure you subscribe on my mailing list.

[Doug Stanhope]

Make sure you're special.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh yeah. Check out my brand new special. You're making this work. It's available on YouTube and everywhere else. You find specials really nowhere else. And make sure you guys go subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, you get a pre release of the episode uncensored and ad free versions of all of our shows and an on demand library that's not available anywhere else in the entire world. Use the promo code war. Save a couple bucks a month and welcome back to the show Doug Stanhope.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug Stanhope.

[Big J Okerson]

Fastest prostate in the west.

[Doug Stanhope]

Best Doug. You came back at a great time. This is where we tell you that you're not safe in this game. It feels like you pulled up a big lead, but things change for the final four stories. Cuz as the people here now, you won't, you won't.

[Big J Okerson]

You won't possibly.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, no yeah. We go double points.

[Big J Okerson]

Double points. Double points.

[Doug Stanhope]

It is still anybody's game because before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. And if you guess somebody correctly, you got two points. But that now bumps up to double points.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God, you're so crazy. You're practically giving this game away.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that guy blind? The guy with.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, there's a lot of blind people here.

[Doug Stanhope]

Things really catch me wind quick. Oh, my Christ.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

You almost tripped on your cape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Doug Stanhope]

Gently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those very, very profitable double points.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Ron Bennington]

Exciting. You're saying Tony, is the first question. Just single points. Okay.

[Alex (Producer)]

That.

[Big J Okerson]

That's coming from a guy who clips couple.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, we are into our second half. Let's get it started. Alexandra. Story number five.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number five. I wrecked a friend's car while he was asleep in the passenger seat. Because I was asleep in the driver's seat.

[Big J Okerson]

Annie Letterman. Just name dropping a friend.

[Doug Stanhope]

John Reap.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, and by the way, not every small blonde girl is Rosebud Baker. I've said hello to Rosebud Baker three times before I got the right Rosebud Baker.

[Sponsor Announcer]

All right.

[Big J Okerson]

There's just something to.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, that's.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ron. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You had a tumultuous past. You had a checkered past. Lot of drinking and drugging back in the day.

[Ron Bennington]

It doesn't make you a bad person.

[Big J Okerson]

Makes you a bad driver.

[Ron Bennington]

Yeah, it makes you a bad driver. There's no doubt about sucking.

[Doug Stanhope]

Fuck him.

[Big J Okerson]

But it was a different day and age. It was a different time, okay?

[Ron Bennington]

We weren't so woke. We fucking drove home drunk. You know why? We had a can do attitude.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Ron Bennington]

We believed in ourselves and we believed in the United States of America.

[Big J Okerson]

You're filthy pigs, Every one of you in every seat. That's how you get them on your side, Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. Being patriotic, Ron, that was.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was beautiful. Everything that just happened was very beautiful. But I still think that this is you. Convince me that it's not you who Ron.

[Ron Bennington]

You want to believe that it's me? I'd be proud to be the person in this story. I'd be the proud to be the person who would drive a friend home no matter what condition I was in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Ron Bennington]

Because I believe in myself. I believe in my country, and I believe in Jesus Christ in heaven.

[Doug Stanhope]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Doug Stanhope]

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, it's Ron.

[Ron Bennington]

You can make this single points.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't give a. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna say this because as much tenure as you might have as comics. I don't think you really did fucking road work like driving the road to be that tired to fall asleep. Oh yeah. You went to Harrisburg once and then came home the same night. You don't know. I think it's Ron has to be the only guy that.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, I was writing Ron.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought he was talking about behind a wheel, but. But I'm not going to give away. It's got to be one of them too. Because the odds are. Tony, this is. It hasn't been them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I agree. I've never heard Lewis more quiet in my life. And I agree with you. You know the upper.

[Big J Okerson]

He's got a kid. You don't have kids.

[Doug Stanhope]

I do.

[Big J Okerson]

He's got a. You do. Oh, God. God damn it. I followed Alex on Instagram today cuz she's hot. And then I saw her with a kid and I'm like.

[Doug Stanhope]

Gross, right? I know we all think that it's with Harrington too. He.

[Big J Okerson]

But you have older kids than him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, you're getting it all wrong.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug knows nothing about us.

[Doug Stanhope]

You also. We've never been on the road.

[Big J Okerson]

You stole my mother's election. That's what I know about.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He did steal.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, then I'm going to put.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The hottest mom competition from Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

It's going to be one of you. Because the. The numbers go that way.

[Doug Stanhope]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm a Prognosticator. I know. Yes. 09 team. And fucking baseball is ready to win.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug votes Big J. Ron votes Doug. Tony Hinchcliffe, last minute votes for me.

[Doug Stanhope]

Everybody's in.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Everyone's in.

[Alex (Producer)]

Alex.

[Doug Stanhope]

Alex. Break it off.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number five belongs to Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, did I write it? I got it right. I got it right.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug Stanhope, the investigator dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Statistician. Statistician.

[Doug Stanhope]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doug Stanhope is the Shohai Ohtani of this game.

[Doug Stanhope]

I mean, he really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's Kobayashi, if you will. The Joey Chestnuts of Story Wars.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, you're the one that can take a lot of hot dogs in the mouth. You set that up on a team for me? Come on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug Zanof. What happened here? I'm sorry, Big J, what am I saying?

[Doug Stanhope]

Me and Keith Robinson driving back from New York one night. I was driving, thank God, his clunker car. And he said he was tired, so he got in the car and fell asleep. And then shortly after, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, we were all four tires in the air. And then we came down, sparks and all that shit. And we pull off to the side of the road. And then when. By the way, he doesn't notice to this day that I was asleep. But what happened was, when we got out, there was a thing happening. Like, by the way, I was driving asleep pretty good. There was a truck tire in the middle of the road, and that wasn't supposed to be there. I would have slept. Drove fine for another couple miles, probably, but that truck tire. And we took off over it, and we were in the air. But then Keith got out, all freaked out. What did you do? And then we saw other cars hitting it. And I was like, it's just a thing, man, that's happening.

[Big J Okerson]

And then he said, you know what? It was good press for Tracy Morgan. So I thought.

[Doug Stanhope]

This is 20 years before Tracy Morgan's accident.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, well, you're prescient.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Five stories down. Alex, where are our points? Where do we sit?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

All right. In last place, with one point, Ron Bennington.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It should be known the. The lowest score of all time was two points. So, Ron, you're still in the running.

[Ron Bennington]

Fuck.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, just helping us out from the rear is Ron Bennington. You don't have to say last. He's the rear brigard of our team name. That's right, gentlemen. And that's because someone whose name sounds like Kim Kong gave me mushrooms before this show. Oh, and I'm smiling more and more.

[Doug Stanhope]

Her name does rhyme with Kim Congdon.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, Kim.

[Big J Okerson]

Kill Tony has his own Kill Tony lighter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they. They're free.

[Big J Okerson]

As I smoke Kill Tony's cigarettes, I'm drinking Tony water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're free.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I have a. I have a Kill Tony butt plug in my ass right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, me too.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah, they're just prototypes, though.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We have them synced up. They vibrate together.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I sell that at the merch booth, but it's just stolen hotel light bulbs. But I autograph them, right? Every autograph. I'm there for all the people, Alex.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In fourth place with two points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's still possible Lewis could end the game tied all time for the lowest score.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I could. I could. But I won't because I'm a genius.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

May I recommend.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna beat you so bad, you're gonna have tears running down that makeup, like, gagging po. I try to talk on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I love you, Doug. What is your problem?

[Big J Okerson]

I'm trying to talk. I'm not.

[Doug Stanhope]

Spirit of the game, Louis, don't puss out.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This game divides us.

[Big J Okerson]

A very nice person.

[Doug Stanhope]

Spirit of the game, Alex.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In third place with six points, Tony Hinchcliff.

[Big J Okerson]

My Nemesis.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In second place with eight points, Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, wait, how did he creep up on you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He be ahead of me because of double points.

[Big J Okerson]

All right.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

And in the lead with 13 points, Doug Stanhoe.

[Big J Okerson]

Are these points transferable to cryptocurrency? I don't know how.

[Doug Stanhope]

Working on it. Lewis is working on it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Sandhub still with a sizable lead. Alex, story number six.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number six. I once did cocaine I bought from a man on the street at 3am it didn't even look like cocaine. It looked like. Like table salt. I then made the painful mistake of trying it. Anyway.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm. I'm. Listen to me. Couple things. Number one, we all have this story.

[Doug Stanhope]

Not me, dude. Not me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. We. Everyone has this exact story. This is just. It's. Who submitted this story?

[Doug Stanhope]

You know for sure this isn't my story?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, exact same story. You would have told it before.

[Ron Bennington]

You've heard him say that before?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no. They were talking about, like, we've been doing this so long. It's so hard to have a story that they don't know between each other.

[Doug Stanhope]

Well, I this up a lot, though. I've talked people out of Lewis being the person a lot. So I'm like, I would know the story and I've been wrong a lot. So don't listen to me on that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug, what we've Learned through doing 70 some odd episodes of this podcast is that me and Big J have never once ever listened to each other talk.

[Doug Stanhope]

So why we have these terrible tributes.

[Big J Okerson]

When does it count? When? When can I.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, you can't. No, you can't change it.

[Big J Okerson]

I wish you put it in here. Yeah, that's when it counts. All right, good. I'll stay with my answer. I'm following the algorithm.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm. I think, Look, Bennington definitely could be Doug 100% has this story. Tony. Little Tony. Little Tony. Tony. Two bags over here. Tony. Tony's been known to party a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've literally never done cocaine.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's not true. That's impossible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've literally never done it. I stay awake and hang with everybody till the wee hours of the morning. I just found out recently that all my friends are on cocaine.

[Doug Stanhope]

I had that. Swear to God, I had that discovery one year.

[Alex (Producer)]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They don't tell you. They don't invite you. They don't even ask.

[Doug Stanhope]

They don't tell you when they're getting off. They're like, dude, I gotta get.

[Big J Okerson]

What you have to say to Them is, oh, I have a 10pm show tonight and the guy that offered me cocaine last night where I said no, if you're in the audience. Yeah, and I'm not following a tell. I'll be early on nothing.

[Ron Bennington]

Look, I'm going to. I hope I'm not giving this away. I used to sell cocaine at 3 o' clock in the morning and when I saw a Puerto Rican, I would just give them salt.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No.

[Ron Bennington]

So.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Puerto Ricans love salt.

[Doug Stanhope]

I feel. This is what Ronnie B. This is a dope ass story from the 70s, early 80s.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's definitely casino era.

[Doug Stanhope]

I like it. It sounds badass.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's either Ron or Doug. But I still don't believe Tony's never done cocaine. I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, yeah. Would I lie to win this game and get double points?

[Doug Stanhope]

I mean, there might have been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I would.

[Doug Stanhope]

Would. I mean, Tony's never done cocaine, but there might have been some on that guy's dick still. But he didn't do it.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, I thought you were just taking credit for the story. I don't. I wait till Alex talks to believe anything. Okay, good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Noted. All of her actors.

[Big J Okerson]

God damn it. Why does every perfect woman have a awful, horrible child?

[Doug Stanhope]

Story number six, Alex is flustered. They're so complimented and butthurt at the same time. Alex, like my baby's perfect and beautiful.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's gonna leave Harrington and her baby for Doug Sandho.

[Doug Stanhope]

Nothing would make me laugh more than Alex living in a compound in Arizona with Doug. Alex is meant to be a cult leaders thing, I promise you. Look at her. She looks like a Manson girl.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, I think you could probably. There's some spell you can do. We learned that. We learned this from voodoo on Bourbon Street. You could do a spell to transfer Alex's soul and. I'm sorry, Bingo's soul and personality to Alex's body.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, absolutely. Or you just have them both out there hula hooping like a bunch of weirdos wearing glasses. Don't even make sense to block the sun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every time you guys make me laugh, my butt plug slips out of my butt a little bit and I have to push it back down like that. And it feels so fucking good.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's where the male G spot is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

All right?

[Big J Okerson]

It's the loosening that makes you a veteran.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number six belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

The algorithm. He hasn't been picked once. It's gonna be Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Those wild, wise old dogs in the corner were onto me the whole time. Yeah, this was. Was actually in Amsterdam. I bought cocaine from a guy on the street, from some suriname guy. And I remember I told him that I did a book report on suriname in the fourth grade, and he was, like, offended that I said that. I was like, off, dude. Give me the coke. And then he gave me. It wasn't even in a bag. It was in a piece of paper, a shaker.

[Doug Stanhope]

This little white shaker. He's like, you know what? For 20 bucks, you could have all of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's in a white packaging.

[Big J Okerson]

How old were you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

I was 22 years old. All right, 22 years old. And it was a folded up piece of paper. And when I unfolded it, it was literally just like little, like, crystals of, like, powder. And me and my buddy Gene were like, this doesn't look like cocaine. And then he went. And he went, oh, it burns. And then I was like, does it? Let me try. And I went. I was like, oh. And then, yeah, we threw it in the toilet. And that was that.

[Big J Okerson]

See, that could have been Tony's story, where he's like, I never did cocaine. I just did salt.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm not going to fall for that again. I see. I. I don't know if I'm doing Fez or the B52s when I do Tony.

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

If you see a faded sign by the side of the road, it's either fez, God rest his soul, or Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In last place with five points.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Helping us out from the back.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Helping us out from the back.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. Whoa.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

With five points.

[Big J Okerson]

You made it sound dirty.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Ron Bennington.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hey.

[Ron Bennington]

Thank you. Not the lowest of all time.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Tied for third place with six points each, Louis J. Gomez and Tony Hinchcliffe. In second place with eight points, Big J Okerson.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug is killing us.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

And in the lead with 17 points. Holy Doug Stanhope.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a lot of points. This is the most points I've ever had. Wish my mother was alive to see this.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug, you can almost smell the happiest baby on the block, which focuses on helping families navigate the most challenging parts of newborn life. It covers common issues like irregular sleep, unpredictable crying, and overstimulation. And it offers practical ways to ease each one.

[Big J Okerson]

Here's a practical way to ease them. Shake the baby. You just shake it. If that's a colicky baby, you shake the baby. Just shake it.

[Doug Stanhope]

So Alex should leave the baby with Harrington. Okay. Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, maybe I should write my own goddamn Book.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Two more stories. Skank Bus. Are you having a good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Watching Home Live on Veeps to thousands and thousands around the world, you guys are all having a great time.

[Alex (Producer)]

Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome, awesome sponsors over here at Story Wars. Factor Meals Factors back. If you have a New Year's resolution and it's to eat better, check out Factor Meals. I have been with Factor Meals for quite some time now.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They're great. It was funny as they stopped sponsoring the shows for a little while.

[Sponsor Announcer]

You signed up and never stopped.

[Alex (Producer)]

I never stopped. So yeah, I still get there. Factors. They have chef prepared meals that are ready in just two minutes and they are really, really good. And the options are expanding all the time. They have a wide variety of weekly options. You never get bored. You can get different things for weeks and weeks on end without ever having to repeat at all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, whatever you want. Like if you have a specific diet.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Like I do keto all the time. They have keto versions, calorie smart meals, GLP1 friendly ones, high protein ones. Just makes it easy to be healthy. Sometimes the choices you don't know what you're gonna do. I'm just constantly eating like just cheese and chicken when I'm doing keto. Factory Meals has delicious meals that I would never in a million years make myself but within my dietary restrictions.

[Alex (Producer)]

So head over to factor meals.com wars50OFF. That's wars50OFF and use code wars50OFF to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's factor meals.com warz50OFF. The offer is only valid for new Factor customers with the code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with factor. That's how they got me for the time they weren't sponsoring us. I just told you the exact move the flim flame they pulled on me. It's let me tell you, I don't regret it for one second.

[Doug Stanhope]

They are great.

[Alex (Producer)]

Every week I have Factor Meals at some point. So make healthy eating easy with factor right now.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Okay, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and talk about Body Brain Coffee, which is a company that I started a little more than a year ago that is taking the world by storm. Yes, it has nootropic mushroom coffee elements, but the big differentiator is the fact that it has Tonka Ali which has been linked to supporting natural testosterone in healthy men. So if you guys want to naturally support your sarone, it's a great blend. Premium freeze dried Colombian coffee plus Tonka Rally, Lion's mane, Ashwagandha and L Theanine. People use it as a pre workout. They use it as their first cup in the morning just to feel good and overall feel energized and vitalized.

[Alex (Producer)]

To me it's steroids because what you're doing is you're drinking that and then you're winning every episode pretty much of Story Wars. I don't know. You'll never have a bookshelf, a house big enough to hold a bookshelf to get all these books you goddamn have.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It really should be a performance enhancing drug. I shouldn't be able to.

[Alex (Producer)]

I should be able to have it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay. I won't take Body Ring coffee in.

[Sponsor Announcer]

The mornings of Story wars anymore because I do believe it is giving me an unfair advantage.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Not only am I do I have.

[Sponsor Announcer]

The psychological edge from the lion's mane, but I think the physical edge is getting in your head. You're seeing like just sort of how physically intimidating I am and I think you can't focus on anything else.

[Alex (Producer)]

Well, you're supposed to be my friend. You're hanging out my goddamn mortal enemy, Tomcat Ali. And you know, I, I killed him in Thailand.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I thought people love it.

[Sponsor Announcer]

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[Luis J. Gomez]

I love it.

[Sponsor Announcer]

I' to love it though. Give it a try, see if you like it too. For a limited time only, use the promo code War20. War20. We're going to give you 20% off your order. We already give you a discount if you subscribe or if you buy a two pack so you can apply that same discount to a two pack or subscription. And it really is incredible. You save a lot of money. You can buy it on Amazon as well. Just make sure you go to bodybraincoffee.com try it out, see if you dig it. Give it to that man in your life that's looking to be bigger and stronger and faster and smarter, harder. Bodybraincoffee.com promo code WAR20 for 20% off. All right, where were we?

[Luis J. Gomez]

We have two more stories. Alex, story number seven.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number seven. I saw a severed head one night and didn't remember because I was blacked out drunk.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I know who that is pointed at.

[Doug Stanhope]

Ron, throw a dart at somebody that's class.

[Big J Okerson]

This is clearly this dart. Yeah, the algorithm. The algorithm. See, that's Tony.

[Doug Stanhope]

Austin is a fucking crazy place. It is weird down there.

[Big J Okerson]

Fucking. Why do I put the cap back On.

[Alex (Producer)]

I mean, Doug.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, what are we. I don't know how to waste any more time here.

[Big J Okerson]

It's Tony. It's definitely Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This could literally be anybody if you ask me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, seeing a severe severed head would be life altering.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, there's an old book joke about the hobo said, oh, I this beautiful blonde last night on the railroad tracks. And he goes, yeah, What'd she look like? He goes, I don't know. She didn't have a head.

[Doug Stanhope]

As Ron slowly votes for Doug.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll go with Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who you guys going with over here? I find it all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is it Tony Trying to sound like.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug knows the thing that we heard before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who? You guys? I. I noticed you guys stall a little bit. You've been doing this a long time. You guys, wait, you see what the other guys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I feel like if Big J. If you saw a severed head, he would have submitted this. That for the death episode of Story War.

[Doug Stanhope]

It would have been all I ever talk about every day. At least for a little bit. Yeah, well, that was before the severed head.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J's never seen a severed head. That's crazy.

[Doug Stanhope]

No, you understand. I was different then because that was before the severed head. That's when I didn't wake up screaming every 15 minutes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How many stories has Doug had in already? Do we know? It doesn't.

[Big J Okerson]

See, now you're copying my strategy. I should have never said it out.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It doesn't matter. Look, it's. They're all randomly pulled, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So it could be two in a row. Three in a row. If you submitted more stories, like I only had time to submit three stories today.

[Big J Okerson]

I want to know the behind the scenes. Like how randomly are these drawn?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Why don't you ask your sexy girlfriend, Alex?

[Big J Okerson]

Doug, it's kind of like kill Tony. Oh, really? The one guy with special needs and missing a eye happens to be one of the 200 people that lined up and. And he leads to his. Oh, no, it's completely random.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you saw the other 199 people, you'd understand how I've been out there.

[Big J Okerson]

Signing autographs with them while you're feeding off the backs of the poor.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug's hand up. A man of the people. A true man of the people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No more cigarettes for you, Doug.

[Big J Okerson]

Doug, I quit anyway. I quit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, I'm going to vote for Doug because I got fooled last time when it was a very.

[Doug Stanhope]

Obviously, if it's not Doug, you should always go with Doug because he's been right every time almost it could be Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Could be?

[Doug Stanhope]

You sure? Did you ever hear my one man show? I haven't slept a wink since. I think it's Sever. Yeah. Now it's Lewis. Oh, that's all right.

[Big J Okerson]

You should.

[Doug Stanhope]

God damn. Who'd you say? Doug.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, he said Lewis. That's crazy.

[Doug Stanhope]

You said Doug.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I said Doug. Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

All right, let's go. Oh, let's go, Alex. Brawl in. You flustered. Read it. You have to stay with your family. I'm sorry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's imagining the Stanhope life.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number seven belongs to Ron Bennington.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah.

[Ron Bennington]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. He cleaned up.

[Doug Stanhope]

Wow.

[Ron Bennington]

That's huge, by the way. Is this single points? Is that all we're doing? Single points?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, it's double points. Double points. This is insane.

[Doug Stanhope]

They're sticklers, dude. They're sticklers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right, Doug.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So, Doug, you have to have won an episode of Story wars in order to trigger double points. But you're in the lead, so there's a chance. There's a chance you're going to win tonight. You could do that at the end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, if you won before and you said double points. That song plays.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so cool.

[Ron Bennington]

All right, here's the story. I wake up like five o' clock in the afternoon. Maybe six o' clock in the afternoon. And people my town used to meet in this parking lot so we could figure out where everybody was going. And I drive up there, I'm like ready to have a big Saturday night. And people are just walking like zombies and girls are crying. And I'm like, what happened? They go, last night happened. I go, what last night? And then they tell me that. And I had been doing some white crosses, some old trucker speed.

[Big J Okerson]

And if you put that in the clue, we go, oh, yeah, got it.

[Ron Bennington]

You would have got me, but.

[Big J Okerson]

But I was some zoomers.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Black vet.

[Ron Bennington]

We came up on a one car accident and a fucking head was in the road and everybody was freaked out, but I have zero memory of this. And it's haunted them. And then a couple people were mad at him, at me, because I said while this was happening, maybe he'll be okay. And. And I. I agree with Doug. It's a great line, but I can't take credit for it. I have no idea where it came from.

[Big J Okerson]

I would have sold that head at a merch booth.

[Doug Stanhope]

That's fucking crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's not everybody else. You get together, like, have a reunion every year. Everyone else is freaked out about it, and you're just kind of like, tell me about it again, man. I don't remember.

[Ron Bennington]

And actually, I mean, it did affect me in a way. I kind of bottomed out. And then I just took 20 more years of drugs and alcohol, and I finally said, that's enough. Fuck it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Yeah. It's the beginning of the end.

[Ron Bennington]

Yeah.

[Doug Stanhope]

Wow. Big round for Ron Bennington.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little fun. Fact is that I ended up grabbing that severed head. And he. It is the newest regular on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, Watch it perform a new minute every week.

[Doug Stanhope]

Straight to the stars, AI.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex, where our points at?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In last place, tied with six points each, Louis J. Gomez and Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Doug Stanhope]

Brothers and all arms tied. See?

[Sponsor Announcer]

Tied.

[Big J Okerson]

Tied together in a union of people. Try mushrooms.

[Doug Stanhope]

All right.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In third place, with eight points, Big J Okerson. In second place with 13 points, Ron Bennington.

[Ron Bennington]

Thanks, everybody.

[Big J Okerson]

Come back, kid. Wow. From worst to almost. Go ahead, Alex.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

And in the lead with 17 points, Doug Stanhope.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. I humbly accept all of your apologies, Ron.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time I saw a comeback like this, it was my back. Last night, covered in cum. I had a comeback. Cause I'm gay.

[Doug Stanhope]

Come on, everybody. Come on. His back.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gayer than him and Tim Dillon. I'm just better at it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen. This is it. You guys ready for your final story? Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Come on, folks. Alex, that's it. Anybody's game. Still, I believe, except for minor Tonys.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, have you ever done triple points?

[Ron Bennington]

That'd be insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, if we.

[Big J Okerson]

No one would ever have the balls. Oh, but skank fest has to reinvent itself every year. I'm just. I'm just a writer. It's just a pitch meeting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I think that people would probably like triple points.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't know if that counts.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't want to feel like I'm manipulating the draft king's odds.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Here's the problem. I mean, Doug, you have a little bit of a lead here. If we do go to triple points, there could.

[Doug Stanhope]

There's no precedent yet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't know if that's.

[Doug Stanhope]

There's no precedent.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex does have a very tight belly. According to her Instagram photos, she does. Even though if you skip past the ugly baby thing, she has a lot of bath bathing suit photos. Oh, is that before that ugly baby came out of you?

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah. No way.

[Big J Okerson]

She's the one that put the photos out there that I had to judge to prepare for this game. I know. She won't pick one of my stories. Next for. Is it triple points?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it should be.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You know what? Look, I'll give it up to the audience. I don't know how the audience feels about it. This is. This is. It is their festival. Clap your hands if you would like to see us go triple points.

[Ron Bennington]

Holy shit. Holy shit.

[Big J Okerson]

My nose is bleeding. The pressure is unbelievable. Laser showed up at the hotel with a old school, like, bloody nose hanky hanging out of his nose at, like, noon. And I. I go, oh, that's how Skank Fest works. He goes, now you got punched in the face. And I thought he did the fights.

[Ron Bennington]

He.

[Big J Okerson]

He goes, no, no, I just partied too hard. Yes.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Uncle Laser fighting Jason Ellis tomorrow at Skank Fights.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, what?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Uncle Laser's gonna get murdered tomorrow at Skank Fights. All right, we have one more story, and I guess this final story is going to be four triple points. Triple points. Doug was in the lead. He's risking everything right now for your entertainment. So. The great Doug Sandho. Thank you for being here.

[Doug Stanhope]

Not just everything. Everything in the Happiest Baby on The Block by Dr. Harvey Karp.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug. Santa, by the way, comes every year whether he's booked or not. Doug, there's certain years where he's like, hey, dude, I don't want to do comedy. I literally don't. He was like, I don't want you to give me a free ticket. I want to buy a ticket. Just show up to Skank Fest. He's a lunatic. But that's.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm a fan like you. He says he's a man of the.

[Doug Stanhope]

The people.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm the man of the people. I'm one of you. Except I get free drinks.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And.

[Doug Stanhope]

Doug, did you pay. Did you buy tickets to go on the impractical Joker's cruise, too?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, I did. I bought the. They didn't know he was coming.

[Doug Stanhope]

He just came.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. Yeah, I. I'm leaving this alone, but my wife has been threatening to leave me for a blind.

[Ron Bennington]

But.

[Big J Okerson]

And then I start writing the jokes, and then she's like, I don't know if it's gonna work out. Like, well, tell me or not. Notebook paper costs money anyway. Yeah, she's gonna leave me for some blind veteran and that she met at a. Working a merch booth. Don't let your wife work the merch booth. Oh, my God.

[Doug Stanhope]

There's one less to take home.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's that one more story. Our final story. Story number eight.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Story number eight. Last night, I looked up two of the panel members on celebritynetworth.com.

[Big J Okerson]

What you do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay, this is Tony or Big J because they're both climber faggots.

[Big J Okerson]

I had two. So you know each other's. You wouldn't even know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doug's mushrooms just kicked in. This was the moment.

[Doug Stanhope]

Everyone speaking, speaking. I.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wait, wait.

[Big J Okerson]

Yesterday on Legion Escapes, I was giving you. Because you were. You were like, reading all your emails. I'm like, how do you have time to. To do this? And you found the guy that got robbed. Allegedly.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

So, yeah, you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're in the middle of a game.

[Big J Okerson]

And I. I gave you. Hang on. I gave you for. How do you have the time to be reading all your emails while you're producing? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doug's like, what are you going to do, call those people in the middle of the night?

[Big J Okerson]

It still sounds like Tony, but it's.

[Doug Stanhope]

I feel like it's somebody looking up me and you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You're looking at me.

[Big J Okerson]

Tony wouldn't admit it. I'm going, Louis, no.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So I don't. I mean, look, I don't think that Ron's looking up anyone's network.

[Doug Stanhope]

You wouldn't look up each other's.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I already know your net worth because you're my best friends. I know literally exactly what your real net worth is. I don't need to look up celebrity net worth.

[Doug Stanhope]

Damn. I don't even know my net worth.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I know your net worth. Am I all right? Well, I know how much you paid for your house and I know how much. How much you make per year.

[Doug Stanhope]

Is that what that means?

[Luis J. Gomez]

So I can deduce it.

[Doug Stanhope]

Is that what net worth is?

[Big J Okerson]

Actually, here's the problem. I don't know your acts where, like. I know, like a Chrysler will always, like, I'll tell you what I made. And so I don't know what if you guys do that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nobody here, listen. Nobody on the panel cares about that type of. Except for Tony Hinchcliffe. Wait, this is some LA to R Austin horseshit. That. That whole energy and attitude.

[Big J Okerson]

Can I bet. What do you call them? Funny, the picture that it's not Ron Bennington for like, like at a plus 28.

[Ron Bennington]

Well, let's ask the audience. Can he do that? Can he change the rules yet again?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's a legend, but I don't care. We have integrity. I think it's Big J or Tony.

[Doug Stanhope]

See, I'm thinking Ron or Doug.

[Big J Okerson]

It definitely could be me.

[Doug Stanhope]

It is. I'm throwing a. I'm going. I'll go first. I'll do it. I'll strap up Doug, Stanhope I'll go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

First of all, Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

I put two n's in Tony. And I didn't know if that would.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Make it like two ends in Tony. What is it, his birthday?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't have my reading glasses on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

It took me a minute. It was an nword joke. Yeah, it took me a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was.

[Big J Okerson]

I was working on my spelling. I fucked up. Tony put two ends in. I should have. I should have put two ends with an I.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, big J changing his answer last minute because I think it is Big J puts me down foolishly for no reason. Tony. Vote big J to Tony. Tony, it's big J. If it's not you, it's big J. Just so you know, he's doing this whole song. It's not me, all right?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know the fucking rules.

[Doug Stanhope]

I don't even believe celebritynetworth.com. i know what they say. I have and they're wrong.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Do they say it's more or less?

[Doug Stanhope]

More by a whole bunch. Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tony says ron.

[Doug Stanhope]

I thought Ron. That was my first thought was Ron.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Very strange.

[Doug Stanhope]

Let's see what we got here. It's all over the place. Tony, Tony, Ron.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ooh.

[Doug Stanhope]

Alex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All the branches are in.

[Doug Stanhope]

Stop looking at real estate in Arizona.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Our final story of the night belongs to Doug Stanhope.

[Alex (Producer)]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow. Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

I just picked up my wine bottle to speak into it like a microphone.

[Doug Stanhope]

How do you lose a game to somebody this not huge.

[Luis J. Gomez]

2 million.

[Big J Okerson]

2 million. 8 million. 1.5 million. And helping us from the rear.

[Doug Stanhope]

What a professional drug user.

[Big J Okerson]

I will say that those numbers when you read them, you go, are they accounting for that? I also spent money in my career. I know they're skewed, but it's a always fun to like go, all right, what is. I know the the numbers on those are but I, I your ego will go out. Like, even if they're fake numbers, is their fake number better than more or less?

[Doug Stanhope]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[Big J Okerson]

If. If I was a gentleman number mushrooms.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Right now it's a problem.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. If I was a gentleman of color and there was was slave auction net worth.com I would be on it occasionally at night going, what am I compared to Kevin Hart?

[Doug Stanhope]

Giving hearts a ball of energy. That's.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex. Where are our final scores?

[Big J Okerson]

God damn it. Am I the biggest scorer since we did choose triple points.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is going to be a new record. There's almost. It's possible impossible for it not to be.

[Big J Okerson]

That's unless next season they do quadruped Points. Quadruple points.

[Doug Stanhope]

World's not ready.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Quadruple. We did. We did. Quadruple points.

[Ron Bennington]

Points.

[Doug Stanhope]

World already felt it.

[Big J Okerson]

It's kind of like getting rid of the penny. Regular points shouldn't even count. Round up to the nickel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doug, Doug.

[Doug Stanhope]

Only five and ten, dog.

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, listen. You heard that guttural call off. I have not heard back from Davitel who I challenged to instead of a fight, a flight of stairs. And us two with this guttural emphysema like lung cancer cough have to race to the top of a flight of stairs for charity, which is of. I'll choose, you know, LA later when I'm sober. But God damn it, I lost my point.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's okay. So Alex, our final score.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no, no, that was my point. The guttural cough. You saw me smoking Tony's American Spirit cigarettes. So I didn't get the warning on the side. So if I do die of cancer, sir Sue Tony. Because I didn't get the warning, I just got free cigarettes like a. Just a gum chewing teenager sitting here next to him. I didn't know they were dangerous. All right, Alex, just take your points and go home. Shut up, Stanhope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to another episode episode of Sue Tony. Who's ready for the worst day of their lives?

[Alex (Story Reader)]

All right, final scores. Helping each other out from the rear with six points each, Louis J. Gomez and Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right where I like to be.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I love helping you out from the rear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Very exciting.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In third place with eight points, Big J. Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

My hero.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Guys, it's not last.

[Doug Stanhope]

It's not last.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

In second place. Second place scored 13 points. And your winner tonight with 29 points.

[Doug Stanhope]

Wow.

[Alex (Story Reader)]

Doug Stanholm.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. I say we stand like the 1968 Olympics and do the fucking Black Panther black power symbol, dog.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You get the. The happiest baby on the block. You get to take home.

[Big J Okerson]

Wait, I get my John Reed back?

[Doug Stanhope]

You get to keep John Reed back.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You can keep it.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna sell it on ebay.

[Doug Stanhope]

It will sell. You should sell it here in this room. How about a big round of applause for our amazing panel story warrior Ron Bennington story warrior Tony Hinchcliffe. Newest story warrior Doug. Stan. Doug, you want to trigger it? You can trigger it off if you want.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's add it.

[Doug Stanhope]

You can say the words now. It'll go nuts for you.

[Big J Okerson]

Do what triple points for. We're gonna go double or nothing or triple or nothing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wait.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I don't know what the. Tell me to sit down Jesus. You're my life coach. I paid dollars a month. My life coach.

[Doug Stanhope]

Thank you so much.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you, guys. And thank you.

[Doug Stanhope]

I'm Big J Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[Doug Stanhope]

We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars. Until then, peace.

[Big J Okerson]

Hold me a urinal cardinal. I'll be right there.