079. Che Durena, Dante Nero, Sidney Gantt | White People

Summary

Story Warz – Episode 079: Che Durena, Dante Nero, Sidney Gantt | White People

Date: February 6, 2026
Podcast: Story Warz (GaS Digital Network)
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Che Durena, Dante Nero, Sidney Gantt
Location: Live at The Stand Comedy Club, NYC
Main Theme: Hilarious storytelling game themed on "White People," featuring comedians sharing true and deceptive tales, playing for points and laughs.

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Episode Overview

This energetic episode pits Big Jay, Luis J., and a guest panel of top comedians against each other in their signature game of deceptive storytelling—all tied to the theme of "White People." Each panelist submits outlandish stories, with the challenge being to identify the true storyteller while avoiding detection when their own tale is read aloud. With comic banter, roast-heavy riffing, and surprising life revelations, this episode bursts with laughter, side stories, and memorable moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Introductions (00:56–05:30)

• Jay and Luis open by hyping up the sold-out live crowd, each other’s outfits, and the show’s new home at New York Comedy Club.
• They joke about Lewis’s “short sleeve button down shirt” being either dressy or “fifth-grade school picture” attire.
• A playful roast about the audience—calling out a group of “lesbians in the corner”—sets the show’s irreverent, crowd-work-laden tone.

Memorable Quote:
“Is it because you’re dressed like you’re taking fifth-grade school pictures?”
—Big Jay Oakerson (01:37)

Notable Moment:
Discussing the panel booking: “Mistakenly, we booked an all-black panel. It’s something we’ll never do again.” —Luis J. Gomez (02:32)

2. Introducing the Panelists (05:31–07:00)

• Che Durena: Returns to redeem himself, known for the Two Goons podcast.
• Sidney Gantt: Philly comic, jiu-jitsu adept, debuting on Story Warz, representing World War Fun podcast.
• Dante Nero: Noted for martial arts, old-school stories, and his “Man School 202” podcast.

Light-hearted banter about comic hairdos and comedic parallels (“all three black haircuts,” “just missing cornrows”) elicits laughs and sets up camaraderie.

3. Setting Up the Game (09:36–12:40)

• Quick rundown of the rules: Each panelist submits 3-5 stories on “White People.” The producer, Alex, selects eight at random for the round.
• After each story is read, everyone writes guesses; correct guesses earn points, as does fooling the group.
• Prize: The winner receives "Eggplant Emoji, Volume 5," a short-story comedy anthology.

Notable Quote:
“You can’t have a book with ‘eggplant’ in it when we have an all-black panel.”
—Luis J. Gomez (11:57)

Memorable Moment:
Gifts are exchanged from the audience — a diorama and accessories referencing inside jokes and the panelists, sparking playful, borderline-raunchy jokes.

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Game Highlights: Stories, Guesses & Revelations

Story #1: The Jamaican Steel Drum Story (15:03–19:44)

Story: A friend smashed a white girl who’d been with so many Jamaicans, she learned the steel drum.
Panel Reaction: Hilarious debate on whose “style” the story fits, blackness levels, and “smash” lingo.
Revealed as: Che Durena
Notable Quotes:

• “I feel like Jay smashed some white chicks, though.”—Dante (16:03)
• “That sounds like Dante, a friend of mine. A friend of mine smashed this white girl who banged so many Jamaicans, she learned how to play the steel drum.” —Luis (16:10)

Story #2: KKK Pamphlet (22:22–29:24)

Story: A KKK member once gave me a pamphlet.
Panel Debates: Could it be Jay (as the white Jew), or Dante (known for “talking to anyone”)? A deep dive into 1990s Pennsylvania racism.
Revealed as: Sidney Gantt
Story Details:

• Sid’s white stepmom drove him by a KKK parade, had him handed the pamphlet; local cops ignored rock-throwing kids as long as it “wasn’t actual rocks.”
  Memorable Quotes:
• “My stepmom, who happens to be a white lady, thought it would be funny if we drove near the parade…” —Sidney (28:24)

Story #3: Junior Olympics Fencer (33:27–41:02)

Story: I won a bronze medal for fencing in State Junior Olympics.
Panel Jokes: Assumptions about fencing being “so white,” Dante’s secret lives, and martial arts prowess.
Revealed as: Dante Nero
Backstory:

• Dante’s dad, born in 1920, worked youth programs; Dante learned fencing, got entered in Junior Olympics by a white coach, and earned a scholarship.
  Memorable Quotes:
• “Dante lived like three lives before he got into comedy.” —Luis (34:14)

Story #4: Chased by Confederate-Flag Brother (42:39–51:06)

Story: Was chased from a girl’s property by her racist brother — flag on car, not in the South
Epic Misleads: Panel fixates on “who would run?” and Lewis’s refusal to run from a fight.
Revealed as: Luis J. Gomez
Backstory:

• High school years in upstate NY, brother threatened him and friends for being on property.
  Memorable Quote:
  “I was like, fuck, we’re in trouble, dude… He had a full-fledged Southern accent. Stony Point, New York!” —Luis (49:39)

Halfway Point Scores (51:08)

• Dante in last place
• Lewis rising out of last
• Big J, Che, and Sidney tied for first

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[Mid-Episode Banter, Plugs, and Audience Roasting (52:00–57:37)]

Segments are filled with ad reads, playful crowd work (roasting black couples and “elderly” Martha Stewart doppelgangers), and panelist plugs.

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Story #5: Racial Profiling Pull-Over (59:30–64:02)

Story: White ass cop pulled me for minor speeding, searched car, left it trashed.
Panel Analysis: Suspicions about who’s “trying to sound black.”
Revealed as: Big J Okerson
Backstory:

• Jay in the “FUBU era,” mistaken for someone with a radar detector, but really just “looking black.”
  Notable Quote:
  “I tell you why that was because he saw me as black.” —Big Jay (65:14)

Story #6: Horseback Saturdays (71:25–76:35)

Story: For three years, I went horseback riding every Saturday.
Panel Theorizing: Dante’s mysterious life & “white” hobbies, Che’s Canadian upbringing.
Revealed as: Dante Nero
Backstory:

• Post-clubbing, the club owner would take staff/partiers horseback riding at Jamaica Riding Academy, leading to notable mishaps.

Story #7: Microchipped by Aliens (79:27–81:41)

Story: Met a white woman convinced aliens put a chip in her boob.
Immediate Guess: Che, known for interviewing porn stars and eccentric women.
Revealed as: Che Durena
Details:

• Encountered Nicole Aniston, porn star, who “talked for 45 minutes about Black Hawk helicopters and a microchip in her tit.”
  Memorable Quote:
  “Having to act interested for a hot chick sucks. Especially when her ideas are batshit.” —Big Jay (82:12)

Story #8: Cat Kidnapping (85:40–91:23)

Story: My white girlfriend had a cat that attacked me; I kidnapped it and ditched it at the mall, then refused to help her look.
Debate: Most suspect Luis, fits his “destructive” rep; Sydney tries to deflect.
Revealed as: Sidney Gantt
Backstory:

• Sidney’s spiteful pillowcase snatch-and-drop move went undetected by his then-girlfriend; “my most regrettable act.”
  Memorable Quote:
  “Don’t try to start a hashtag meowtoo movement. I apologize!” —Sidney Gantt (90:33)

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Final Scores & Winner

• WINNER: Sidney Gantt – 24 points
  • Receives “Eggplant Emoji, Volume 5” signed by all
  • Declared “newest Story Warrior”
• Final Standings:
  • 1st Place: Sidney Gantt (24 pts)
  • 2nd Place: Luis J. Gomez (16 pts)
  • 3rd Place: Big Jay Okerson (14 pts)
  • TIED for 4th: Che Durena & Dante Nero (10 pts)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Whiteness of Fencing:
  “Nothing in this says anything about white people. It’s just assumed fencing is white.” —Che Durena (35:44)
• On Black Panel Representation:
  “You can’t have a book with the word eggplant in it when we have an all black panel.” —Luis J. Gomez (11:57)
• On Storytelling:
  “I love deceiving my friends. It makes me so happy.” —Luis J. Gomez (49:10)
• Cat Story Reaction:
  “I kidnapped that...I never came back.”—Sidney (91:15)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:56 — Introduction, theme, crowd work
• 05:31 — Panelist intros, inside jokes
• 09:36 — Explanation of Story Warz rules
• 15:03 — First story, Jamaican steel drum
• 22:22 — Second story, KKK pamphlet
• 33:27 — Third story, fencing medal
• 42:39 — Fourth story, Confederate flag chase
• 51:08 — Mid-show scores, audience banter
• 59:30 — Fifth story, racial profiling traffic stop
• 71:25 — Sixth story, horseback riding
• 79:27 — Seventh story, alien boob microchip
• 85:40 — Eighth story, cat kidnapping
• 93:09 — Winner declared: Sidney Gantt

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Tone and Vibe

The episode delivers Story Warz’s signature: rowdy camaraderie, relentless roasting, and edge-of-your-seat comic deception. The comedians keep it light (with some biting undertones), merging real-life absurdities and inventive bluffs, all while lampooning each other’s backgrounds and stereotypes tied to the “white people” theme. There’s a warm sense of kinship among battle-hardened comics—no one’s safe, no moment is too sacred, and everyone’s here for big laughs.

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For New Listeners

If you love comedy that’s fast, brutal, and packed with true (or almost true) stories, this episode is an ideal jumping-on point. The game format keeps everyone on their toes, the panel chemistry sizzles, and you get real insights into the comedians’ personal lives and wildest experiences. Expect hilariously questionable life ethics, merciless friend-baiting, and more “I can’t believe they said that” moments than any show on the internet.

Transcript

[A]

Before we start today's show, we want to remind you that we have incredible merch [e-mail] not only do we got T shirts, not only do we got hoodies, but we just added beanies for the winter, guys. So get them this winter. It's going to be a very limited time where you can get story wars beanies. Just go to storywarsmerch.com before we start today's show, Story warriors, take a minute, go to bodybraincoffee.com and try out the coffee that everybody's talking about. Blended with adaptogens and nootropics that support your testosterone, brain function and mood. It's so simple. Whether you want to have your coffee hot, cold, put it in a protein shake. Body brain coffee is the number one way to support those amazing things. BodyBringCoffee.com use the promo code WAR20. War20 for 20% off your order today. All right, let's start the show.

[B]

Fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the gas digital network.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars with the story warriors, Big J. Okerson and Lewis J.

[B]

Go. Birds. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Story wars. We're at our new home at the New York Comedy Club. I guess it's our home now.

[A]

It's our home. It's not even the new home. We've been here for a while. Another sold out show. Non stop sold out shows. If you want to come to story wars live, you got to come to New York City every Wednesday night here at the New York Comedy Club in Gramercy. Get the tickets in advance because you cannot get in this place if you don't.

[B]

Dude, you're in a mode tonight. Is it because you're dressed like you're taking fifth grade school pictures?

[A]

Short sleeve, button down shirt you like? You don't like it? I'm dressing up a little bit, bro.

[B]

Is that what it is?

[A]

You don't like this?

[B]

I like it.

[A]

I went to a nice restaurant.

[B]

Short sleeve, button down. I always find funny.

[A]

Why? You don't know funny?

[B]

How would I know funny? Well, I don't know. I'll get used to it. How many people here are familiar with the game story Wars?

[A]

And how many people are not familiar with Story Wars? You piece of shit. And these lesbians in the corner. Okay, all right, we'll get to you gals.

[B]

We will explain it for you after we get our amazing panel up here. And if you're wondering why we're starting 45 minutes late. You're about to fall.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, mistakenly, we booked an all black panel.

[B]

Our final contestant got here not one minute and 30 seconds ago.

[A]

It's something we will never do again.

[B]

We're gonna start lying about our start time.

[A]

We call it the Dante Nero. The Dante Nero Rul.

[B]

What time do I got to be there? 4 or 5pm Mama Fujin. Ah. Let's start getting our panel up here, everybody. A couple people. We're here on time. You know I'm from the Two Goons podcast. Make some noise for the hilarious Che Daraina, everybody.

[C]

What's up, Jay?

[A]

How you doing back on the show? It's been a while. You're returning.

[D]

I know. I. I came in last. Last time. Wow. We gotta see if we could do better.

[A]

You gotta redeem yourself here today.

[B]

So handsome. He's friends. He's friends with my favorite porn star. Yeah, he won't make the introduction.

[A]

Who's your favorite porn? So what's his name?

[D]

Got him.

[B]

He's gonna make up a good one. Wisconsin. Tiff.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. She famously did a 60 dude anal gang bang.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I understand Jay loves her because she reminds him of her. His mother.

[B]

Oh, Philadelphia Terry. Philadelphia Terror.

[A]

Again, your second competitor coming here right now for the first time, making a Story wars debut from the World War Fun podcast, representing Philadelphia Hard clap it up for Sydney Gantt.

[B]

Sydney Gantt. Hilarious and a sick ground game.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Let's go.

[A]

Great Jiu jitsu guy. You guys also look like you have like different video game created character haircuts.

[E]

Yes. Yeah. I think we have all three of the black haircuts coming out here.

[D]

We're just missing cornrows.

[B]

That's it.

[D]

That's true.

[E]

We don't want them here anyway.

[B]

Our final contestant, you know him from man School, the 202 podcast. Also from the In Godfrey We Trust podcast right here on Gas Digital. When you mix Sydney Gant and Che Da, you get Dante Nero.

[A]

Dante looks like me if I drank the ooze from Secret of the Ooze.

[B]

He's your rock steady.

[A]

He's Super Lewis.

[B]

I'm somebody's bebop.

[A]

Oh, Dante, happy to have you on the show. My friend Dante told me before we came in here that he's actually been preparing and studying the show.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

To come out. And he's very, very motivated to win.

[C]

I'm in this. Plus I was also in that anal gang bang his friend was in. I don't know.

[B]

Oh, Wisconsin Tiff. Does she. Although didn't she recently had, like a rib removed and did all kinds of weird surgeries to herself. Yeah, she.

[D]

She tried to make herself look more like porn star.

[B]

No, I like that she had a couple. She was like a little chubby, sort of, and got anal gang banged. Oh, I want to meet her.

[A]

I'm sure you. I'm sure you publicly calling her chubby definitely added to her.

[B]

Oh, fuck, who's this psychological. Oh, Louis has got short sleeve, button down shirt personality all of a sudden. What about her feelings?

[A]

Wisconsin, Tiff, you're worth it. You're worth everything.

[B]

Wisconsin Tiff doesn't have time to watch the show. She's getting anal Kang bang. Dude, if you're not doing it, you're training for it.

[A]

Let me just say, Jay, before we start today's show, before we explain the rules of the show, I want to say, apparently we have a gift right now. Alex, we have a gift. Who is this from? These two homosexual guys right here.

[B]

Why the would you say that?

[E]

Because they look like.

[B]

They seem great.

[A]

They look like they enjoy having anal sex with each other. Jay, that's not a bad thing. That's actually a good thing in 2025. That's sick that you guys are gay. We all.

[E]

We all love this hand the gayest way possible. He went like this.

[B]

Over here, this guy.

[A]

We have a gift for sure. I thought this gift was gonna be from a woman. No way. I thought it was gonna be from a guy.

[B]

First of all, box rules.

[A]

The box is a great box. Rules is something these gay guys have never said.

[B]

Open the gift. What if it's just two coupons for them to suck our dicks? I'm like, stop calling them gay. Oh, two coupons for them to suck our dicks whenever we want. Oh, whoa.

[A]

What is this?

[B]

What is that?

[A]

What is this? Let's see. Are these.

[B]

Oh, these are accessories.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

So they made little things for us.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

Little activity uses.

[E]

Oh, well, that's straight.

[B]

Art can be straight. And we have little accessories that go with ours. This. Let's see which one's probably.

[A]

Is this for the. Is it. Does this sit here like this?

[E]

Like that?

[A]

It's so it's supposed to sit on the thing. Okay, great. And then here's big JJ Looks great. Did you make this? You are gay.

[B]

He's an artist, dude.

[A]

And what. So this sits here like this. Very cool. I love this. And what are these? There's a burger, there's a titty, and there's a book. What is this?

[B]

That's my stuff.

[A]

Those are big Js, Jake. Okay, we get a boob. Okay, yeah, you're. He's calling you fat. He's calling you fat with his burger.

[B]

Burgers.

[A]

All right, go ahead.

[B]

Look, I haven't gotten down to short sleeve, button down shirtweight yet.

[A]

That's fine. I gotta. I gotta a boob. A book. And I got it. And what was the third thing that I got? Tonketta. Yeah.

[B]

Sir, you must not have gotten the word, but Tomcat Ali is dead. I killed him in an underground fighting contest many, many years ago.

[A]

Dante grew up fighting with Tonka ali.

[B]

In the 70s, Dante fought Tom Ken Ali three times overseas. I promise you, he's very much dead.

[A]

All right, sir, you're back in my good graces. Tom Canale ruled. Clap it up for this guy and his awesome gift. Thank you. The first ever person to bring the story warriors a gift. And that's not true at all. We have a rug.

[B]

There's a rug right there.

[A]

There's a bunch of books. Whatever, dude. But yours is the best. That rug. Fuck that rug. That rug.

[B]

That rug. It's a lovely rug though. And I have one of skanks in my home. If you are unfamiliar with the game story wars your first time listening at home, I'll explain it very quickly to you. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, white people. Alex, our lovely producer, will take eight of those stories at random and read them off one at a time. It will appear on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

Every time he gets a story correctly, you get two points. Explain it.

[B]

And don't play with toys for five seconds. Could you?

[A]

Every time he gets a story correctly.

[B]

Who's gay now? It's gotta be perfect. My diorama.

[A]

Every time he gets a story correctly, get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, you have an opportunity to collect four points. That is a very, very big moment. Okay, Once you write your answer on the dry erase board and put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand, that is your final answer. You can't change your answer. And I'll tell you right now. Let me tell you something. We're playing for fun. This is so much fun. We love having fun on the Story wars podcast. But Jay, we're not playing for fun. Let them know we're playing for today.

[B]

Every week here on Holy Wars.

[A]

It's not money, you dumb bitch. Don't. Don't fucking.

[B]

That's not how we talk to new friends.

[A]

Crazy that she would say that.

[B]

She gas.

[A]

She went up here. It's not money. It's not money.

[B]

You gotta let people enjoy us before you show them you're fucking with an animal.

[A]

She knows what she's trying to do. She's trying to ruin the fucking vibe of the show.

[B]

Dude, will you act like you're wearing a short sleeve button down shirt for five fucking seconds, please? I know you went to a mid level crab house tonight and you're feeling good about yourself. Hey, baby, you ever seen seafood in a bag? You girls are fine, but it is in fact not money. Every week here at Story wars, we play for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner. I need that too. Tonight's winner is taking home the comedy literary journal, Eggplant Emoji, Volume 5, edited by James P.W.

[D]

Martin.

[A]

You can't have a book with the word eggplant in it when we have an all black panel.

[B]

Well, it's the eggplant emoji. That just means big black dick. It's not insulting.

[A]

Sorry, go ahead.

[B]

Eggplant emoji volume 5 is a collection of short stories built for quick reads and big laughs. The book features 13, count them, 13 original pieces selected from 182 submissions showcasing emerging writers who know how to grab attention fast. Each story is fully developed and character driven, even in just a few pages.

[C]

I want that. I want that.

[B]

How could you not, Dante? Well, it's yours to win, my man. It's yours to take from our cold, dead hands. I think everybody gets it. Who's gonna get it? Diorama's all set. I got my burger. You got your tongkat Ali.

[C]

Feel like Lewis never had toys when he was a kid.

[B]

He did. This is very gross.

[A]

This is. This is wildly cool. I'm gonna miss. I'm gonna make these two kiss later.

[B]

Oh, like real life, remember?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, we shouldn't say that in front of our black show. I. Me and Lewis never kissed once to piss off Dave, if that's what you think. I think we're ready to start this thing off. Are you guys ready for war?

[A]

Come on.

[B]

That was weak.

[A]

New York City. Are you ready for war?

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Then.

[B]

Without any further ado, Alex. Oh, my God. Is that Martha Stewart? It's not. It's not.

[A]

No, it's not.

[B]

It's not. It's not.

[A]

There are. There are a handful of elderly ladies sitting in the corner over there. Young bitches, this is your future.

[D]

I'm.

[A]

I am the Ghost of Christmas future. To show you what happens when you don't shut the fuck up at comedy clubs.

[B]

First of all, they hope to become this lady. First of all, you caught them a table of old bitches. That's crazy. A handful. And the lady's got an indoor scarf on, which tells me she's sitting on some cash.

[E]

Little bit.

[B]

She's done all right for herself. You ladies would be fucking happy to have whatever life she has.

[A]

She's got a good life.

[B]

Sitting there spending some dead guy's cash is my best guess. Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

This is my new thing, Dante. Here you go.

[C]

I can't prove it, but I think she fucked Snoop. She probably fucked.

[B]

Oh, yes. It's not Martha Stewart, but she would fuck Snoop. Oh, my God.

[A]

Alex. Story number one.

[F]

Story number one. A friend of mine smashed this white girl who banged so many Jamaicans, she learned how to play the steel drum.

[B]

I don't know why I see that coming out of Jay's mouth.

[A]

Also, I just realized that we're gonna realize that none of these stories are big. J, my friend smashed. This white girl who picks so many Jamaicans is not you.

[B]

Why would that be you?

[A]

Well, it could be me.

[E]

Yeah. Was the still drum her pelvis like, what the.

[A]

It could be me.

[B]

Yeah. Why could it be you and not me? Could you say, a friend of mine smashed this white. That's how you talk.

[A]

It's not that I. It's just. I just feel like this is more of a brown ethnic thing. You're a white boy, bro. Every story, it's a white. It's a white person topic. Every story is going to be like, hey, a friend of mine there. I was being white. I guess it was Big J. Yeah, but I'm white. You. Dude.

[D]

I feel like Jay smashed some white chicks, though. You've smashed a good amount of white.

[B]

Posts in your day, and friends of mine have smashed white girls.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I just feel like a white guy wouldn't say this sentence. This is. This sounds very much like Dante. A friend of mine. A friend of mine smashed this white girl who banged so many Jamaicans, she learned how to play the steel drum.

[C]

I don't know why you're fucking talking about.

[B]

Oh, no. Dante was The Jamaican the whole time. We've never had somebody be the other part of the story. It's Che's story, but it's about Dante.

[A]

I also just feel like if you had a friend who had sex with a lot of Jamaicans, you would stop being her friend.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because you're racist.

[B]

That's a crazy thing to say. Louis. You are far more racist than I am.

[D]

I feel like Dante would call them Jamaicans. That's what I feel like.

[B]

It's very possible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where'd you grow up, Jay?

[D]

I grew up in Vancouver.

[A]

There's never been a Jamaican that's ever made it to Vancouver.

[B]

Oh, man, that really made me feel it was Dante.

[E]

Yeah. I think I'm getting strong Dante vibes from this. Like, I feel like me and Che, like, we. We hook up with white girls.

[A]

We don't smash them.

[B]

Yes, but you guys may have bigger, blacker friends who smash them.

[E]

That's fair. That's fair.

[C]

They do look like they make sweet.

[B]

Love to white women like boys to men.

[A]

Shit.

[E]

We go down for 45 minutes first.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Dante's like, Dante's breaking backs. You guys are, like, spraining pinkies. Yeah.

[B]

You guys are eating white girl. They let you borrow their car for a week. Dante him and tells him it's his car now, and if they want to use it, they can ask him how.

[C]

I will eat ass for 15 minutes.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Okay. Oh, yeah. Got a little blush there. He's trying to get dead guy's money.

[C]

I'm going to be wearing that scarf before the night is over.

[B]

Come on. What are you going to do with all that money? You can't take it with you. Why don't you buy Dante gigant, hilariously gigantic cartoonish jewelry.

[D]

You got a clock on a chain in that budget. What's going on?

[A]

That's a. You really have.

[B]

I can't tell if Dante's jewelry is, like, his jewelry or it's, like, the stuff he locks his motorcycle up with.

[A]

All right, I'm getting the voting going. I feel like there's. There's only one answer here, and that answer is Dante Nero.

[B]

Could be Dante, but I'm telling you, I'm getting outside thoughts. This could be Che.

[A]

We have some Dantes coming around. Lots of Dantes happening right now. Oh, you're saying Che Durena?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Oh, smash is a young guy word. Che is very much coded into the young Internet culture. Dante wrote C, H, E. And then I think, whatever. His people's language is like some sort of dinosaur Language, symbol.

[B]

Well, it's hard to write a click. It's just. You do that with your tongue against the roof of your mouth.

[A]

My diorama.

[B]

My burger. Where's my titten burger?

[A]

Alex, all of her answers are in.

[F]

All right. Story number one belongs to Che Darina.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[D]

I knew you guys would think it was Dante. That's why I picked that story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I also lived in Toronto for a long time. Lots of Jamaicans there.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

That's where it happened.

[A]

Wow. Who was. Who was this. Who was this friend? What happened with this guy?

[D]

He was smashing this girl named Nell. And, yeah, she would. She. I remember her parents had a house in Jamaica that she would go to every summer. Elusively Jamaican dudes.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And he dug her out a few times, and then she told him about how she did African dance.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Like from osmosis. Like, she picked it up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He fucked the gift of African dancing to her. That's a big dick.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never fucked a skill into any woman in my life. I haven't been able to fuck a girl to get me a glass of water afterwards.

[A]

I fucked a girl into pretending she has a headache.

[B]

Alex, one of them scores.

[F]

All right. In Last place with 0 points, Louis, Jake Gomez and Sidney Gant.

[B]

Sorry, just first round. Come on.

[F]

And tied for the lead with two points each. Big J Okerson, Che Darina and Dante Nero.

[B]

Yeah. Right now, he'd be splitting this book three ways. And maybe that Martha Stewart lady three ways. Am I right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, you're gonna want me there to make sure everyone stays above board. What if you're only one of them and the other one's looking around at all your antiques and you don't want that? Don't you want me there? Give them the voice of reason being like that. Don't take that, dude. That's hers.

[C]

You can't sell antiques in the hood.

[B]

Also, hey, I have a tea set. Who wants this tea set out of here? Ah. What are those little ceramic figurines? I got a bunch of those. I got a Faberge eggs, yo. None of the homies looking for a Faberge egg for their moms. It's Christmas.

[C]

The out of here.

[B]

Out of here. Yo, you don't want turquoise jewelry for your moms.

[A]

Y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

All right, Alex. Story number two.

[F]

Story number two. A member of the KKK once handed me an informational pamphlet.

[A]

If it was. If it was my story, the end of it would be. And I joined the kkk. So here I am.

[B]

I think it's Dante. Dante seems like he's open to talk to anybody about anything. He was an early level proud boy. He's black as the night I was the founder.

[A]

I wouldn't admit that publicly.

[B]

Yeah, well. But it didn't start out as what it became. It was just dudes hanging.

[C]

It was a fun joke at first.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And Gavin McGinnis blew it up in amazing ways, so.

[B]

Either way, though, you still have your early. You have your early badge.

[A]

I was one of the original founders of isis. It was pretty sick.

[B]

Oh, that's good. But then it got away from you.

[A]

It got away, yeah. Member of KKK handed me an informational pamphlet. I mean, that could be anybody here on the road. You're in a square somewhere in the south.

[E]

Not anybody, not everybody.

[D]

I don't think they're gonna.

[E]

Well, they.

[A]

They hand Jay different informational packets that they hand you.

[E]

Fair enough.

[A]

Yours are directions out of town.

[B]

But if they handed this to me, I would be like, I'm Jewish. And then there'd be a different story.

[E]

Yeah, I don't think you're admitting you're Jewish to a person. A KKK member handing you a pamphlet.

[B]

You'd be surprised.

[A]

Fair enough.

[B]

I don't know why. I don't give a fuck about being Jewish. I'm not religious. I don't give a. I guess the only ties that my grandparents, I love them and they were Jewish. But like, I don't. But something about anyone having a swastika tattoo or something. I feel very weirdly like, bold to be, like, let them know I'm Jewish. See what they do in anything or say anything that will get me killed one day. Yeah.

[A]

They would hand Jay a pamphlet and he would have folded into a paper mache yarmulke.

[B]

That's right. I go, oh, good. I forgot my yarmulke at home. Thank you. Give me another one. And here's a paper crane. Please don't kill me.

[A]

Member of the KKK once handed me an informational pamphlet. I mean, could it be Jay? Is almost the obvious answer because he looks like he could be in the kkk.

[B]

There's no KKK in Philade J.

[D]

It's too obvious. That's.

[A]

Yeah, but you go on the road a lot. You've been on the road a long time.

[B]

I don't walk around. I stay in my hotel sometimes.

[A]

The KKK will set up little kiosks.

[B]

They do.

[A]

I go, I travel Hilton a lot. Like in the Hilton properties. We'll try to get you to join.

[B]

Sometimes they give you competitions in town and the clan.

[A]

Yeah. They give you like, Hilton honors points. An extra thousand points if you join the kkk.

[D]

That's hard to turn.

[C]

He bought an Invicta watch and then he got a kkk.

[A]

Pamela. Who the.

[C]

This not Lewis can be Lewis.

[A]

I mean, Dante is a weird. Like, here's the thing at for. You're black. Let me make that clear. But if somebody was like, yo, that black guy is a white supremacist, you'd be like, I see it right?

[B]

You look like an anomaly. By the way. These old white ladies are like, I've seen him at the beach.

[A]

I'm saying that wrong. He looks like an animal.

[B]

The hunting wives just said that they saw.

[A]

Is Dante or Big J.

[E]

That's. Yeah.

[A]

They're not giving Sydney. Sydney. Sydney literally looks like just the anti.

[B]

Just like, he's got a high top fade. He looks like Ola. Hola. A. You're not handing them a KKK pamphlet.

[C]

Let's give the Fresh Prince of Bel Air a pamphlet.

[A]

Yeah, I'm just gonna go with logic here. Big J is the white guy on the panel. They could hand him one.

[B]

This is the Lewis move. I think it's Lewis.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I mean, I think it's Lewis. It's not me. I think this would be. Obviously. Why would I put the story out?

[A]

Dante just cleaned the up. I'm looking at his face right now. Look at him. He's so happy. He's so happy.

[B]

Fuck it. Maybe Dante.

[A]

Dante walks around with an actual broken back. He can't smile, and he physically can't smile. This is how happy he is right now that he's smiling for the first time in 22 years.

[B]

It's killing him right now. Alex, we're all in.

[F]

All right, everybody. Story number two belongs to Sydney Gates.

[D]

It.

[E]

Let's fucking go. Go. Let's go.

[B]

That's a big round.

[E]

Come on.

[A]

Talk about big round. Sydney. Where.

[E]

Give Sydney a pamphlet.

[A]

Where was this? Sydney?

[E]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Where'd you get this pamphlet?

[E]

Well, I was asking about how to start a chapter.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

No. So I grew up in Pottstown, Pennsylvania. And until 1994, every single year, the KKK would march down our main street. And one year, my step.

[B]

Freedom of expression.

[A]

Freedom of expression. Freedom expression. It's the usa. We love. We love this country.

[E]

Yeah. By the way, the cops would never stop us if we would throw rocks into the parade. Nice.

[B]

Oh, that's awesome.

[E]

Pretty sick, but. No, no, but they would. They would Measure. If you had, like, a handful of pebbles, you're good. Actual rock, it's like, nah, you gotta.

[B]

Yeah, you can't kill anybody. You can't send anybody to hospital. You can.

[A]

Yeah. But to be honest, to be fair, actual rocks to Dante are just pebbles.

[B]

It's a different rock, ladies. Now you see him, now you don't. You better hope he comes out with all them rings. He goes, yes, doctor, I believe I have a silver falcon ring inside of me. I think I have a spread winged falcon ring inside of me. If you find that, pull it out.

[E]

So.

[A]

So what? How do they hand you a packet?

[E]

So my. My stepmom, who happens to be a white lady, thought it would be funny if we drove near the parade to, like, with the KKK people, and they were handing out pamphlets to the people that were driving in the car. And every time we would pass one, she would go hand it to my son in the back. And then, like, they would look at me.

[A]

And that's either hilarious or the most abusive thing you can do to me.

[B]

What if they threw a ro. Your neck immediately and yanked you out of the car? She goes, oh, Joe got away from me. Joe got away. No, guys, guys, that's my stepson. I'm sorry, Mrs. Gant.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

So only.

[A]

Only one.

[E]

Only one guy handed me a pamphlet. But when he did, like, when he went to go hand me the pamphlet when he saw me. Oh, but you could see even through his sheet for a split second. He was like, well, I don't want to be racist.

[B]

Nice.

[E]

That's crazy.

[B]

You should have been like, do you guys have a summer camp program?

[A]

Two stories down. Alex, where are our points?

[B]

Hey, do you guys need a point guard for your basketball team?

[F]

All right. In last place with zero points, Luis J. Gomez.

[A]

It's okay. I'm just warming up, boys.

[B]

Just cracking your knuckles.

[F]

Tied for second place with two points each, Big J. Okerson, Che Darina, and Dante Nero.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

[F]

And in the lead with four points, Sydney Gantz.

[A]

Sid the kid.

[E]

That fast? I'm here to win, baby.

[B]

Sid.

[A]

Feels nice, right?

[E]

It feels so good.

[A]

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment to thank AG1 for supporting the show. We love AG1. I'll tell you right now, January motivation is probably dipping. You need a reset, so you gotta try AG1. It's the easiest, most impactful daily wellness habit. Simplify your nutrition with one green scoop. AG1 has all your multivitamins, prebiotics, probiotics, and antioxidants. It takes less than 20 seconds and it tastes great. That's the thing when you're doing all of these. I take so many pills every morning, right? All my vitamins and my B12s and my probiotics, my fentanyl.

[B]

Yeah, morphine. But no, seriously, whatever fucking stops the voice.

[A]

The same thing. I literally watch you pull out the little pill case like an old lady.

[B]

With the Monday through Friday I feel, dude, sal volcano. I'll throw him under the bus. He's the one who told me it's fine, just get a pill case. I was like, dude, I have to take so many pills a day. He goes, get a pill case. And I go, that's for old people. He goes, no, I have one.

[A]

You're like.

[B]

And every fucking day I use it. I feel like an old gentleman, but it's better.

[A]

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[B]

Oh, okay. Speed sticks good for my ball back now right off, look.

[A]

They got incredible scents like bourbon, leather, clover woods, Mount Fuji or pro sport. But it's for the whole body. You can put it in any little crack crevice. Anything that stinks on your body, they have you covered.

[B]

If you put Mount Fuji smell in your balls though, you have to shoot a Big load. I do bourbon leather. So it just comes out like an old gentleman. Just comes out like a. I use the ball deodorant.

[A]

I use it sometimes on my. The cracks and crevices in between my folds on my fat stomach.

[B]

Sometimes. You let me put it on you. You?

[A]

Yep. With your mouth. I have you spray it in your mouth and you spit it into my butt.

[B]

Yeah. You go decorate my folds.

[A]

Some men master bl with sense. Mando men do it right. Don't mask it. Mando it. It's available at retailers you see in every store now, but you can get a limited offer right now. 20 off for Story Warriors. Go to shopmando.com shop m a n d o dot com. Use the promo code wars w a r z for 20 off today. All right, where were we? Alex, Story number three.

[F]

Story number three. I won a bronze medal for fencing in the State Junior Olympics.

[B]

It's gonna be weirdly Dante.

[A]

No, if it was I won a bronze medal for fencing car stereos, it would be Dante fencing.

[C]

How Puerto Rican of you.

[B]

Dante's father was athletic. I saw a picture of his father dressed like Sinbad the Sailor.

[A]

Dante.

[B]

I feel like Dante. This, this. I have Dante all over. Dante's fucking crazy. We know. I know Dante. Dante started comedy later in life too, right? He started a little bit later. So Dante lived a fucking life.

[A]

Dante lived like three lives before he got into comedy.

[B]

And Lewis was telling us a story outside of a time 20 years ago that at 280 pounds or so, you showed him that you can do some kind of a. A cyclone kick that scared him so much.

[A]

It was outside of Stand up, New York, 20 years ago. Dante, you're never going to remember this because this is just the life of a black martial artist you just showed me. You did this kick where it was, you know, guile from Street Fighter. He spins around and his back heel comes up and whips around and you did it one inch from my nose and it went. And the wind that I felt from your big black foot made me. It made me go, oh, shit. There's different levels of human being I'll never forget. It was a moment.

[B]

That's how he goes. He goes. People are dangerous. That's what he found out that day.

[C]

You felt safe, right, ladies?

[B]

But no one's breaking your house if Dante's there.

[A]

Dante lived a whole other life, and he was very, very athletic. Dante, so you guys know, is 86 years old. He is an old. An old dog.

[B]

Just so you know, when your brother in Law. When your brother in law of your passed away husband comes pissed off that Dante's banging you, Dante will his shit up. Good.

[A]

Destroy him. Dude.

[B]

Right in your driveway.

[A]

But Dante. Dante is an old dog. And I could see. I mean, Junior Olympics, mid-70s, you just getting into some shit. You know a lot of martial arts, a lot of different martial arts. You have a crazy background. I completely agree with Big J on this.

[D]

Also, there's. There's nothing in this that says anything about white people. It's just assumed that fencing is white.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So it is from a black perspective for sure.

[B]

One billion percent.

[D]

All that white people fencing. That's crazy, right?

[B]

All right, all right.

[E]

Yeah, it's Dante.

[A]

I'm getting the voting going.

[E]

It's Dante.

[A]

Hold on. We're all trying to draw pictures right now.

[E]

Yeah, I can't. I can't get one of those fencing helmets on this box.

[A]

I drew a fence. It's Dante. Big J Okerson coming out of nowhere with a.

[B]

It's young Dante fencing, drawing Che d.

[A]

Arena the whole time.

[E]

No, he's. He's holding it sideways.

[B]

Lewis. I believe Che Durena is a young Dante because I see time as a flat circle.

[A]

Oh, like it. Like pennywise.

[B]

Like pennywise. Me and Lewis both watch. Watched. Welcome to Derry. So we both are now going to say things like, time is a flat circle. We don't really know what it means, but all the YouTube breakdowns of that show said that.

[A]

Spoiler alert. Time is a flat circle. Alex, all of our answers are in. Everyone votes Dante. Dante votes Sydney. Whose story was it?

[C]

You gotta put the arm up in the back when you do the on guard position.

[A]

Of course, Alex.

[F]

Story number three belongs to Dante Nero.

[D]

So I.

[C]

My dad used to do youth work in like 1935. And he asked me.

[B]

Holy dude. My dad, he also was a bouncer at the Cotton Club. It's crazy. Crazy.

[E]

He invented the Charleston.

[B]

You might know my father, Bugsy Malone, from the.

[A]

As a black man doing youth work of the 1935, you have to do it in the Underground Railroad.

[B]

Yeah. Was it on the run?

[E]

His dad was doing youth work before they invented Nike. That's crazy.

[C]

Funny thing. My old. My dad was born 1920. He had me when he was 50.

[B]

So he.

[C]

He was the youngest of 16 and his older brother actually was muscle for Bumpy Johnson.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. That's what I call. That's what I call my.

[B]

That's the Frank Lucas time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the. What's that?

[A]

I have I have a Bumpy Johnson, folks.

[B]

Lewis doesn't know anything about black history like I do.

[D]

You said Bumpy Johnson.

[B]

Like, people were gonna be like, this guy's Canadian. Doesn't count. American Gangster dude.

[C]

Yeah, it's American Gangster. So my dad worked for the Parks Department. Asked me if I wanted defense. I was like, nine. And there was a guy who actually was supposed. The first black dude that ever was supposed to go to the Olympics in 73.

[A]

Is that. You know, Dante is old. He says, the first black dude that was supposed to that guy.

[B]

What happened to that guy with him? Yeah. Anyway, Jesse Owens whistled at a white girl, and they hung him from a tree. Oh, my God.

[C]

But he.

[B]

No Dante in your lifetime. Dante.

[E]

No, it was historical back then to, like, almost do.

[B]

They used to tell stories about being the first. Like, I was the first black swimmer ever in Idaho. No one's gonna challenge you to go, whoa, dude, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the first black person to walk into a subway in Chicago.

[E]

I didn't buy anything, but I want.

[B]

I just asked him if the cookies are fresh, and I left. Still, I used the bathroom. So he.

[C]

He popped his Achilles heel on Coney Island. Couldn't go. Took a job with the Parks Department. He was teaching inner city kids how to fence. My dad asked me one to go. I was like, sword fight? Sure. I got really good at it. And a white dude saw me doing it and entered me into the Junior Olympics. I got a bronze medal in the Junior Olympics.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

I'll tell you what. Did you go to college? Yeah, yeah. My daughter fenced for a little bit because her mom was real big on, like, take the things that are like, no one does. Yeah, yeah. Because you can get scholarships real easy.

[C]

I got a two year ride because of fencing.

[B]

Yeah. No one does fencing, dude. A black dude fencing, you might as well apply to Harvard. They'll take you. That's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Am I the only person that saw his story in black and white in their head? Just me.

[B]

Yeah. When Alex read the story, all I heard was.

[A]

So the blacks are fencing.

[B]

Oh, the Junior Olympics are here, everybody.

[A]

All right. They let a colored boy join the team.

[B]

The first Negro fencer ever to take place. New Junior Olympics.

[A]

Alex.

[B]

Okay, let's go.

[E]

Alex.

[A]

Three stories down. Where are our points at?

[F]

All right.

[A]

Alex is tickled right now.

[B]

Does story wars get better every week, or does it get better every week?

[A]

I keep on waiting to have a bad episode episode, and it's never not good.

[F]

All right. Tied for fourth Place with two points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Dante Nero. Tied for second place with four points each, Big J Okerson and Che Darina. And in the lead with six points, Sydney Gantt.

[A]

What?

[E]

What?

[B]

Yo, Philly comes to play.

[E]

I ain't looking back.

[B]

Philly comes to play.

[E]

Tell that Martha Stewart chick to get my recording board ready.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

Wow. Sidney taking us by storm.

[A]

Wow. First time on the show. Incredible.

[E]

Yeah, I got beat up at Skank Fest. I need to redeem myself here to.

[A]

Come back next year. Strong and hard, Alex. Story number four.

[F]

Story number four. One time, I was chased off a girl's property by her racist older brother. He had a Confederate flag on his car and did not live in the South.

[B]

This could be Quietly, Louis.

[A]

Quietly. Why is it quietly? This could easily be me.

[B]

No, I know, but you always believed you lived your life as a white person. But there were people who I was.

[A]

Like, yeah, let's get him. Come on, buddy.

[B]

Yeah, let's get this spic out of the neighborhood. Let's go. I'll get a torch. This could be. Listen, there's no. No one has a Confederate flag in Canada, so. J, if they do, they.

[A]

They are.

[B]

There's such posers that you should just fight all four of them. Hey, we're hillbillies. Shut up. You're above the North.

[A]

The. I mean, I think everyone. Everyone. Nobody here lived in the south, right?

[B]

Like, everyone grew up in the Phillies and Philadelphia. Racists aren't Confederate flag people. Philly racists are like, you fucked my sister, you black. That's the kind of racism in Philly. You're gonna fuck my cousin.

[C]

Let me go on record and saying the Confederate flag. It's just history.

[B]

It's just history. It's just history.

[E]

That's a proud boy right there.

[B]

Guys. It's a snapshot into the past. Guys, look at the diorama.

[A]

Don't erase our history. That's what we're saying. It's part of history.

[B]

Guys, don't blood turn your blind out of history. I mean, wait a second. We lost the only black one in the audience. So she's coming back, right? The black woman, the owner. She's coming back, right?

[A]

Can I say that? I don't think that.

[B]

I don't want to blood the only black woman. The audience to leave. I make me feel terrible.

[A]

I think that in Canada, it would be a story that somebody had a Confederate flag on their phone.

[B]

National news.

[C]

I'm gonna go Sydney, because Sydney's got a white stepmom. Would it get would have got him in plowing a nice white girl. Nice little delicious.

[B]

Well, Jonte, I know it's not the 1940s anymore, but I'll let you know this now. White girls, black guys, just because of their humongous cocks or if they believe.

[E]

You have a humongous cock.

[B]

I know, dude, but, man, wouldn't it suck to be the black guy being the letdown? Ah. What? What?

[E]

It doesn't suck as bad as you think.

[B]

You're like, what? It's not white at least.

[A]

I just feel like Dante is like, nobody's chasing Dante off a property. Dante is going to just hold. Stand his ground. Dante is going to chase you off your property.

[B]

This my house now. I'm keeping your flag and I'm flying.

[D]

It.

[B]

Loud and proud. The south shall rise. That's my Dante impressions. It's not bad.

[A]

It's not good. I think this. There's also a chance this could be Jay playing the game and trying to put it on a black person. Because this does not sound like a white person story.

[B]

Just so you know, that's what Lewis is doing.

[A]

This is a move. This is a move.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

This is a move that Jay is playing right now. I'm telling you right now. I wanted to believe that it was anyone else on this panel.

[B]

He's so desperate. He's in last place. He dressed up like a fucking child. He's gonna take his first communion pictures after this to Big J. Lewis, do this.

[A]

Do it, Lewis, do it. To bake. To big.

[B]

Lewis, do this.

[E]

Come on, do it.

[A]

Yeah. First communion to Big J. Anything but a hoodie is dressing up.

[B]

By the way, I have a cashmere hoodie in case I have to dress up.

[E]

Also, by the way, Louis, he didn't tell you to make that face when you did it. That was your choice.

[B]

By the way, he's voting me. This is a desperate man.

[A]

If you've ever watched the show, you will know this is exactly how Big J acts when it is him.

[B]

Why would I? Louis, wait. Before anybody else. I'm so happy.

[A]

Desperation.

[B]

So why would a racist older brother chase me off of us?

[A]

Because you don't know.

[E]

Because the more racist racist they are, the more you let them know you're Jewish. You told us that.

[B]

You think it's Jewish racism. Chase me off a thing?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, it could be Jewish racism, buddy.

[E]

Right?

[B]

You're out of your mind.

[E]

Also, also, big brothers love chasing fat kids.

[B]

So I was a fat kid.

[A]

And by the way, I'll say I'm not being a puzzy here or I'm not being crazy, but I will not run from somebody's older brother. Fuck that shit. Doggy.

[B]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[A]

I'm not a bitch city.

[B]

Look at me.

[A]

I'm not a bitch.

[B]

I know you voted me put it in the slot, but I'm gonna tell you this. You just handed Louis points.

[E]

I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna put in this slide yet. Can we ask Jason questions to put a little heat on him first, please?

[A]

Possible Jay wrote it very quickly for me without saying anything under the radar.

[B]

Just if somebody in the in Canada had a confederate flag. It doesn't make any fucking sense. There's no attachment to their history.

[E]

I hate that I'm doing this.

[D]

I went Lewis because he kind of looks shifty. And then he tried to put it on me. He's like, that would kind of be a story if it was in Canada. And that made me be like, you were trying to throw shade somewhere.

[A]

Not trying to throw any shade.

[B]

Security, it's Lewis.

[A]

Security.

[D]

Security.

[A]

Remove this person right now.

[B]

No security. Lewis. We don't have security here.

[A]

I'm letting you know I'm 100% positive this is Big J Okerson.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

This is a smart Big J.

[B]

Something. I'm not 100% as Lewis, but it's not me, so.

[A]

He's playing the game so well right now. You're watching him like levels and levels. He's actually become pretty good at the game. Bravo.

[B]

A lot of fanfare, dude.

[A]

Sydney Gantz votes for Che.

[B]

Oh, Sydney.

[A]

It was Jay.

[B]

I think it's Louis.

[A]

You thought I said Big Che.

[E]

Yeah, I did promise myself when it came to this part of the game where you two were going back and forth, I wasn't going to up and I don't. I think I up.

[B]

It's possible.

[A]

I think you did.

[D]

And it's one of the two of them.

[B]

Alex, everybody's in.

[F]

Story number four belongs to Lewis.

[A]

J. Go.

[B]

Me.

[D]

I knew it. I knew it.

[B]

Classic. Classic J. Classic J, everyone. He's gotten really good at the game. Why don't we give him a round of applause for you? So good at the game. Oh, you, you short sleeve, button down shirt queen.

[E]

Oh.

[A]

I love deceiving my friends.

[E]

It makes me so happy.

[A]

So, yeah, this chick, Suzanne o' Keefe was her name. And they lived in Tompkins Cove. Tompkins Cove in New York. And we were in high school and like, you know, Stony Point, Tompkins Cove was all like white people. The further north you got With a little more racist. We were in havoc. We were Haverstraw kids, and we. She had a pool. So, like, we went over her house, dude. And her brother came home in the middle of the day in a pickup truck with a fucking Confederate flag on the back. And we saw it. We were like, fuck, we're in trouble, dude. He literally. He was like. He was like, if. If these fucking motherfuckers don't get off this property, right? He had a full fledged Southern accent. Stony Point, New York. This is upstate New York. They'll go to my property right now. I'm gonna get my gun. And we just fucking ran out of there and started fucking walking.

[B]

Let's hightail it, boys.

[D]

You know what kind of gave it away? When Lewis was like, I wouldn't run away from a guy, and I was like, yeah, you would.

[A]

Oh, I ran.

[B]

I don't run from a man. I fear no man that bleeds. Alex, what are our scores at halftime?

[F]

All right. In last place, with two points, Dante Nero.

[B]

It's okay. It's okay.

[F]

In fourth place with four points, Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Showed up.

[A]

Up.

[B]

Showed up.

[F]

And tied for first place with six points each. Big J Okerson, Chado, and Sydney G.

[B]

I'm coming after it tonight. Yeah, I'm coming after it tonight.

[A]

The win for Philly right there.

[E]

Philly's in the lead.

[A]

Let's go, Alex. I'm. I'm in third place. Or Dante's in third place. I'm in second place, and they're in first place. It's kind of weird to go sixth place.

[F]

I mean, I. I guess, but there's three people in first place, so technically.

[B]

Second from last place is Louis.

[A]

I don't know. I wouldn't call myself in fourth place.

[B]

Tied for third from last. Me, Che. Sydney.

[F]

Sure. With.

[B]

And first as far as last place goes, Dante with two.

[F]

With three people ahead of him, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The heat is on the eggplant emoji. Volume 5 is Short Stories designed for modern attention spans. These are stories you can start between subway stops and finish before your coffee gets cold without feeling rushed or incomplete. The writing is punchy, confident, and focused on strong ideas and big laughs. Well, the black couple figured they put enough time in waiting for this to get left.

[A]

Can I also. I was watching them. They were having a great time.

[B]

They.

[A]

Black people are just literally like, you know, I'm done. Then they leave. It's crazy. Why do they do that in the middle of a movie? They'll do that.

[C]

We don't we don't.

[B]

What if this is all just an alibi to rob a Chinese grocery store around? Did you guys not watch Juice recently? No. No.

[A]

We're at the halfway point. What we do every time at the halfway point is we do some quick plug plugs. This. This will be coming up probably a month from now or so, Dante. So what are you plugging, my friend?

[C]

I'm gonna be in. I'll be just my podcast this way. I don't know what I'm doing, man. School 202. That's it.

[B]

It's like. What do you do, like, seasonally? Because the numbers have changed. What do you mean numbers change through time?

[C]

Well, because I, I. It used to be Black Philip with Patrice. Then it was Beige Philip with me. And now.

[B]

Wasn't there a 101 at one point? I thought for some reason.

[C]

No, never.

[B]

Cause it was always 202.

[C]

They didn't have that.

[A]

Would all people with AIDS please leave right now? Would all people with AIDS leave right now. Sorry, AIDS patients, leave right now.

[B]

Leave right now if you're gonna go have a baby and put it in the garbage in the bathroom. Leave right now if you're gonna have a fucking. A high school abortion. Damn, dude. Your girlfriend's about to have a high school abortion. Your baby, your seed dog.

[A]

Cindy Gannon.

[E]

Yeah. Follow me on social media. Idneygant. I have one of the best podcasts in the world.

[A]

World War Fun, with one of the.

[E]

Funniest people, Ryan Shaner. I'm trying to do my fucking plugs.

[B]

Ladies, girls, we're not giving away money. Shut the fuck off.

[E]

You guys are ruining my life right now.

[B]

You guys are ruining Sidney's life.

[A]

Can you.

[B]

Karen's not. Ruin this black man's life for five seconds. Let him do his plugs. Then you can get him arrested for selling water in front of your house.

[E]

Yeah. World War I is the podcast with Ryan Shaner. And I gotta say, Ryan Shaner, he just wrote a book called Solomon. Get it?

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, we'll give it away on a Future Story Awards. Let's do that. Is it out? It's out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it next week. Next week.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll bring one Che D Arena.

[D]

You can see me in LA at the Comedy Store on January 18th. You can see me in Phoenix at Stand up live on February 19th. And then check out my podcast, Two Goons. If you like porn stars, place to go.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Very cool.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Big J. BigJayComedy.com for all my dates. I'm all over the place. I never get off the fucking road. Maybe for like a week or two in the summer, but it just seems like they want to see me die in a hotel. But that dedication will have me in a city near you this year for sure. I'll name the tour when the new year hits. We'll figure it out. So something fun where I get to go like this to my friends at the end of it, of course, listen to the bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 sorry with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course the flagship show over here at Gas Digital, the Legion of Skanks. If you know, you know. And I'm doing live streams. I have a YouTube page too. Big J, Big J Okerson on YouTube. I do live stream streams now once in a while. Have fun with those.

[A]

Come see me live on the road. Lewisofskangs.com Sign up for my mailing list where I'm doing tons of giveaways and that's where you can get an extra bonus podcast every week just for subscribers. I'm touring. I'm going to Batavia, Illinois in mid January. That'll be in Kansas City, Missouri with column Turrell and ams, Pennsylvania after that. Lots of fun stuff coming up. Go to LewisOfSkangs.com check out all the other pods. Legion of Skanks, the Regs, the Real Ass podcast which just returned. Baby boys RIP Baby boy. And last but not least, make sure you go book pre order my book, Knives and Spoons. It's available on Amazon right now in both hardcover and on Kindle. And I'm gonna do an audio version very soon as well. So get that, pre order it, get me on the New York Times Bestseller list. Let's that'll be very funny. I can't read. How how funny would it be if I got a New York Times bestseller list? Let's do it. Last but not least, go to gas digital.com if you love this show. We do an uncensored and ad free version of the show that comes out every Monday night before it goes anywhere else. You can get it uncensored and ad free@gas digital.com Lots of fun stuff that we can't put on YouTube or anywhere else. Plus there's about 40 episodes that are not available.

[B]

Every episode has about 8 or 8 to 10 N words in it. We cut out.

[A]

Yeah, well on this one we only have. On this one we only have three.

[B]

But we have to cut out What? A commitment to not being racist.

[E]

Half a shay.

[A]

Just go to gasdigital.com and use the promo code WAR. And you save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly. You get 40 episodes that aren't available anywhere else. That's that. That's only available on demand@gas digital.com. all right, we're done with the halfway. The halfway point. It changes up in the second half of the show.

[B]

I know, Dante, you're probably feeling pretty shitty right now. Why did I drive all the way down here? What did I. Why did I waste my time?

[A]

Why did I lie about all the traffic on the fdr?

[B]

Remember I said there was an accident nobody could find on a citizen app? It doesn't matter. None of that. That's all the past, man. Because for the final four stories here at Story wars, every week we go double point. Seem confused. It's okay. It's a pretty simple concept. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. That now jumps up to double points.

[A]

Ooh, double point. Nipple clamps.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't do it on purpose that time.

[B]

I know. You never know when you say, oh, my God, I can't believe that lady put a fucking fetus in a goddamn trash can. And then you just come back all Willy Dilly to eat popcorn and watch comedy. You animal. I love her. Sir, you were gonna propose. You said, go for it. Now's the time. No way.

[E]

Let's go.

[B]

If you find a woman who will queef a fetus into a trash can at a comedy club, you lock her down. My diorama.

[F]

Alex.

[B]

Story number five.

[F]

Story number five. I had a white ass cop pull me over for doing 32. For doing 32 and a 25. He took a look at me and started tearing my car apart looking for something illegal. He found nothing and left my car all fucked up while his ass drove away.

[B]

Damn.

[E]

Can I say. Listen.

[A]

Let me say this. Let me say Big J.

[B]

What?

[A]

I want you to read this in your black old man voice. Read this in your black voice. And then I'm gonna make a decision on who I think this is.

[B]

I had a white ass guy pull me over from doing 32 and 25. Took one look at me, started tearing my car apart looking for something illegal. He found nothing and left my car all fucked up while his ass just drove away. Yeah. Yeah. That's not how I talk, though.

[A]

That's not how you talk, but it could be you playing the game.

[B]

Oh, it is. A game, right?

[E]

Yeah, I think it. I definitely think it's Jay. Yeah, but if I was a cop.

[B]

I wouldn't call a cop a white ass cop.

[E]

That's what I'm saying. I feel like I would have a hard time as a cop believing that Dante did not have something illegal in his car and I would tear it up looking for it.

[B]

No, this says they tear. Tore it up. Yeah, you're saying they wouldn't tear up.

[E]

I know you definitely would for Dante, but I think it's you.

[B]

You think it's Dante, but it's. Or you.

[E]

Or you. It's one of you two.

[D]

The only other answer is that it's Lewis pretending to be Jay doing a fake black guy.

[A]

That is an extremely high level story.

[B]

Two layers. Although Lewis is pretty good at the game. But he wasn't your story.

[A]

The last story. Yeah, but that doesn't matter.

[B]

I know it doesn't matter, but it's still J.

[A]

It happens. It happens a lot.

[B]

I know, but it just.

[A]

There's two in a row.

[B]

It just makes me think.

[A]

Think all you want. I don't. I don't want to convince you that's my story. It's not my story. But I will let you know that that means absolutely nothing. We had an entire halftime happen.

[E]

Yeah, I also think that could be check because he's young and I think they only say white ass. Cop. They don't say cop any other way.

[B]

They're white ass. Yeah, it's the ass.

[A]

Look, here's the thing. I don't even want to give you guys this insight right here, but here's the truth. This is a person trying to sound like a black person.

[E]

So it's me.

[A]

Like.

[E]

You got me.

[A]

So I. I mean, I really. I genuinely, really, really deep down inside believe this is big J trying to sound like a black person.

[B]

You just did. I don't story what you just did. This exact same thing.

[A]

What did I do?

[B]

You said, this is deeply, truly Jay, and then it was hero Jay, and then it was me.

[A]

So you think it's me?

[B]

No, I don't think it's you, but you're doing that same thing. I think this is.

[A]

This is classic Nick J. We've all seen it.

[B]

You are so lucky. The blackest couple I've ever seen left. Or they're still there and their eyes are shut.

[C]

And that is why they left.

[A]

This is Nick J. 101. We've all been here before. I've known this guy for over 20 years. We know who it is.

[B]

I think this is Jay.

[D]

I'm going Louis on this one because I do think Lewis is sneaky enough to do a multi layered scheme like.

[A]

That, to blame it on me.

[C]

And then I think it's a double double entendre type thing. But I went with Big Lewis.

[B]

He doesn't mean it, dude. It's just the way you look in that shirt.

[A]

I put on a little weight.

[B]

It's just the way you look at your tiny shirt.

[A]

I'll be back. I'll be shredded. I feel like Chase.

[E]

Sneaky as fuck too, man. You gotta stop believing in me when I say shit. You're fucking me up.

[A]

All right?

[D]

I'll tell you this. I've never owned a car, so that gives.

[A]

Like, yeah, Big J.

[B]

All right. All five answers are in. Alex.

[F]

Story number five belongs to Big J Okerson.

[A]

I gave them the keys to the castle and they fucking threw them on the floor. Big J. Yeah.

[B]

Fucking white ass cop. I was going to Kur Metzger's house doing 32 and a 25, and he pulled me over and then he was like, you know, you're doing 3200. I go, oh, I'm sorry. And he just looked at me and look, in his defense, slightly. Lot of FUBU and shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

In his defense, Jay was in full blackface.

[B]

I was. I mean, the proverbial. Be a black face. And I had a phone charger for all my black friends who had cell phones. The Nokia charger, but I didn't have a phone yet, so I had the charger. And he goes, that's for a radar detector, isn't it? And I was like, no, it's for cell phones. And he goes, no, you have a radar detector. And then he just trashed my car, threw everything out of every glove box and everything. And then he goes, I don't see a radar detector. Have a good day. And they just made me pick all my. Up off the floor of, like, the street. Everything. I tell you why that was because he saw me as black.

[E]

He thought you were so black that he evicted you from your car.

[B]

It was awful. He treated me like such. I wish. I'm waiting to get white privilege from a cop.

[C]

I'm mad at. I'm mad at myself because we got pulled over on the road by a.

[B]

Fucking hick, like, who fucking recognized me. And he goes, dude, I know you. And then he went to his car and I was like, he's gonna come back and be like, hey, man, I just wrote you like a warning or whatever. He goes, here's three tickets. You got to come back to court almost near Canada. It was a problem on my license for multiple years. Yeah, he recognized me. And then he went, yeah, so here's all your tickets.

[C]

And I didn't get nothing.

[B]

Dante got nothing. He slept. If I was driving a car from Canada with Dante's face on the side.

[A]

Of it five stories down. Alex, where our points at?

[F]

All right. In last place with two points, Dante. Nero.

[B]

Dante. It could turn around so fast, you have no idea.

[F]

In fourth place with six points, Che Darina. In third place with eight points, Luis J. Gomez. And tied for first place with.

[A]

I was in second place. It should be pointed out.

[F]

We'Ve been doing the scores the same for 75 episodes.

[A]

This is the problem. I'm telling you that it should be changed. I'm inside second place. I'm not in third place. There is no second place. What?

[B]

You're in third place?

[A]

No. There's two people tied for first place. And I'm in second place for third place.

[B]

First place.

[F]

No, there's two people tied for first place, dumbass.

[B]

You're in third place.

[F]

Big J Okerson and Sydney G. Yeah.

[B]

Go Birds. Go Birds. Isis Free Palestine. Go Birds. The big game's coming up on Sunday. Wouldn't it be fun if you're a chick or a gay guy to have a little skin in the game? Oh. Or Lewis.

[A]

What the hell?

[B]

No, that's good. You don't have to be a sports aficionado to get into the action with prize picks. It's America's favorite daily fantasy sports app.

[A]

So easy.

[B]

It's so, so easy. You simply pick two to six players. You pick more or less against their projected stats. For instance, is that little. You have to know. Quarterback for the team in blue is supposed to have two touchdowns. You say quarterback?

[A]

I'd say under. Under.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

He's like. He's like running touchdowns in the quarterback.

[B]

He throws them.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. He throws it. He. Would he get the two touchdowns?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Lou, he's going to be more than two.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

It has to be. What a boring game that would be.

[B]

It can be sometimes. It could be a defensive foul.

[A]

I have no faith. These are the two best teams in the league.

[B]

Louis, if you're having this party the way you say you are, I'm going get you in the game with some prize picks.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

Put some fun stuff down. And good news right now. If you play your first $5, you're gonna get $50 instantly in lineups. That's it. If you put $5 in, only $50 instantly in lineups, guaranteed. You don't even have to win to get the 50 bucks. It's absolutely guaranteed.

[A]

Seems like mathematically that they're gonna lose a lot of money on this.

[B]

They are fucking losing their shirts on this. Prize fixes right now. Borderline thinking about mortgaging their home to keep this.

[A]

We should have the CEO of Prizepix on the show. One time I lost my entire business with a dumb promo.

[B]

The guy can't stop crying. I've seen him. He's a fucking mess. His wife left. Prizepix also has early payouts. That's another dumb idea. You can cash out your winnings before the game's even done. If you download the Prizepix app today and use the code warz Warz, you're gonna get $50 in lineups. Like I said, after you play your first five dollar lineup. How cool is that? Code Wars W A r Z for $50 in lineups. After you play that first $5. Prize picks. It's good to be right.

[A]

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment to thank hims for being a supporter of the show.

[B]

Thank him? Limp dick.

[A]

No, dude, I love him. Dude, I sneak. I sneak him behind my girlfriend's back. I pop him in.

[B]

Of course you do.

[A]

Ed gets complicated. I don't have Ed. I just want to have a big, hard, fat hog for her.

[B]

Yeah, you don't have Ed. Your dick just doesn't work unless you take this.

[E]

No, it works.

[A]

It just works like 50 of its capacity.

[B]

Yeah, dude, your dick sucks.

[A]

My project. My projected stats of my dicks are. I'm definitely guessing under if I don't have hims.

[B]

Dude, I've been top two best friends with you for 20 years. Your dick is so nothing without this. It's cra. When you this came along, dude, talk about it, dude. Don't be afraid. Talk about how you praise you would call me in the middle of the night. You go, dude, this hymns everything's different.

[A]

You told me you wouldn't tell anybody that.

[B]

I did say that. I did. I'm sorry. I smoked a lot of weed. No one smokes weed anymore, so I'm doing it by myself.

[A]

Look, you got to get a personalized prescription for Ed from an online doctor. It's very simple. You don't have to go to the doctor. You don't have to have a weird embarrassment, embarrassing conversation. Hims offers trusted generics that cost 95 less than brand names. Hims also has in house products like Hard Mints or their Sex rx.

[B]

Dude, Hard Mints. So you're. They can get rid of your breath and your limp dick. Dude, finally one thing that's gonna fix your asshole breath and your super floppy limp dick. Yo, this thing is godsend. You should get Stocking Hymns.

[A]

They have Hard mints and sex Rx plus climax control with 100% online access to personalized treatment plans. HIMSS brings expert care right to you now, Jay, you're dicks.

[B]

What do they have affordable care for?

[A]

I'm poor too.

[B]

Go ahead. What do they have affordable care for?

[A]

To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ed, hair loss, weight loss and more. It's all.

[B]

What are these guys been reading? These guys get an early copy of Knives and Spoons because, tell me this. They have found all your problems.

[A]

All you gotta do is go to hims.comdorrows hims.comwarz and yeah, you're gonna get a free online visit today. Featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information.

[B]

And then you absolve yourself of all responsibility.

[A]

Dude, this is.

[B]

You must have stock in this company.

[A]

Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. All right, where were we? Alex, story number six.

[F]

Story number six. For a span of three years, I went horseback riding every Saturday.

[B]

This might. This could weirdly be Dante. Dante's got skills no one would expect. The guy surprised me for 25 years. Now.

[A]

Dante already has a horse back.

[B]

True that. This sound to me, this is Canada.

[E]

Yeah, it feels like Canada.

[B]

This feels like straight up, but it.

[E]

Also feels like Dante at the same time.

[C]

I can't fence and do horseback.

[B]

Listen, no, there's no way. Unless your dad was also a carriage pilot.

[A]

Dude, if you're a horse and you see Dante about to get out of your back, you're like.

[D]

Well, once again, this is implied whiteness. There's nothing mentioning anything, which why that's.

[A]

The clue that I think it could be Dante.

[D]

Yeah, it is implied whiteness on this one.

[A]

Dante believes that Sidney's name is spelled S, D, N, E, E. Different every time.

[E]

It's been different every single time.

[A]

Every time. He didn't even. He didn't even try for a. A sometimes vow or anything. He was like, that's what it's going to be.

[E]

Yeah, Dante got some white hobbies, man.

[A]

Yeah, it's Dante or it's Che.

[B]

I'm doing Che. Durena featuring Wisconsin Tiffany. That's what she looks like now since she had ribs removed. What a psycho. Dude, that was a Marilyn Manson myth, and she did it for real.

[A]

Shay, you're half white.

[D]

I am half white.

[B]

Yeah, but only on your side.

[A]

But there's like, mom's white or dad's white.

[D]

Dad's white.

[B]

Or.

[A]

No, real.

[D]

Oh, no, no, Mom's white. Mom's right.

[E]

What?

[A]

You forgot what?

[B]

What a boring question.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

The answer is always the same a hundred percent of the time when you ask. Yeah, unless you're Bill Burr's child.

[A]

This.

[E]

Motherfucker is pretending to be him.

[D]

No, I'm telling you, Louis, this isn't. You can go and you'll yourself on this one. Nah, this isn't me. The implied.

[A]

Have you been horseback riding?

[D]

I have been horseback riding, yeah.

[A]

How many times the horse buck?

[D]

I think twice.

[B]

See, I don't know. Black guys don't ride horses a lot because you got to pick which side of the horse is better to put your wang on. They don't tell you that in the stables. You gotta find out the hard way.

[A]

This is a tough one.

[B]

I think it's easy.

[A]

It could also be said, honestly, Sid is very whitewashed, but he grew up.

[B]

Pottstown will have definitely horse place. It is. It's out there.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's. It's. It's the suburbs. It's the deep suburbs of Philly.

[A]

It is. Is very rural.

[B]

It's horse back here. And you think I should have said Sydney?

[E]

We used to have a guy come to our neighborhood every. Every weekend to let people ride his.

[B]

Horse from the clan. Birth of a nation. Have you had a pamphlet, young man? My vote is for Lewis might be stealing this. Oh, no, you said Sydney, too. Yeah, but you spelled it like, without an. No, I like it. No, he made it like a vanity, like license plate.

[A]

You just.

[B]

You take out the vows until the end. You add, vows don't exist.

[A]

The other one, Dante's only used to spelling by printing on license plates.

[B]

Yo, I got you a license plate for your Beamer. Damn, dude, that super black couple would have laughed us.

[E]

They would have loved it.

[B]

They were both so black. They were both the same. Kind of like black.

[A]

They were black. Alex, all of our answers are in six stories down. Where are we at?

[F]

Story number six belongs to Dante Nero.

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Ah, that's one of his many skills.

[C]

Yeah, I used to bounce at a club. And after the club.

[E]

Crazy start to this.

[B]

Yo, come ride horses.

[C]

And any of the. Any of the. The club owner, the white dude who owned the club, and any of the drunk white girls that were there, we would go to Jamaica Riding Academy. Right on the belt Park. And. And we ride horses. The first ride of the night.

[B]

Every Saturday.

[C]

Every Saturday.

[B]

Oh, middle of the night?

[C]

No, no, like first thing in the morning. Seven in the morning.

[B]

Damn.

[D]

That's.

[B]

Did you fall in love? Not.

[C]

But like when you ride in the morning, they. It's the first time the horses get up, so they want to run. So this chick actually fell off and broke her leg.

[A]

Jesus. Because it's so you guys had to shoot her.

[B]

You got to put her down. She's not going to win a race anymore.

[A]

Alex, we appoints chat.

[F]

Do you really want me to change the way I read the scores?

[B]

No, no, you're reading OG OG stuff.

[A]

Hold on, let me say this. Let's ask the audience because I think that you, you should be saying the places. No, you don't think so. You think, you think.

[B]

Oh, buy the book Poindexter over here in a short sleeve bund shirt. I think that we should do the scores. Blah blah blah.

[A]

Okay, say it. Read. Read the scores in the way. That makes no sense. Guys.

[C]

Alex Lewis, your active, real button down shirt. Real, real button down.

[A]

Let's check the rule book.

[B]

I hate nerds.

[A]

Go ahead Alex, read them however you decided you want to read them, Alex. Cuz I'm just an asshole.

[F]

OG in last place with six points, Dante Nero.

[B]

Ah, he's in. He's in the game.

[F]

In fourth place with three people ahead of him with eight points. Lewis J. Gomez. Tied for second place with 10 points each. Big J Okerson and Shay Darina.

[B]

Yeah. Look out Wisconsin.

[A]

Tiffany, let me just say you went from fourth to tied for second. It makes no sense.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Why would they be tied for third? There's no rhyme or reason to the.

[B]

Way the night's about chaos. The only blacks left. A lady killed a baby in the bathroom. These girls have not interested in the show for the least one for one minute. Our diorama. One thing is absolutely for sure. Within a matter of three weeks, Dante will be living with that lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like. I want you to have me while you wear my rubies. Have me while you're draped in my rubies.

[A]

Alex.

[F]

And in the lead with 14 points, Sydney Gab.

[B]

Go Birds. Ill adelf.

[E]

Let's go.

[B]

Why are they playing on Saturday this week? It's so stupid.

[A]

Alex Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. I met a white woman who believes that aliens put a microchip inside of her boob.

[B]

Okay, that has to be Che. He interviews porn stars, and they're dumb and love talking about their tits. This is Che.

[A]

I met a white woman who believes that aliens put a microchip inside of her boobs.

[D]

I'm going Sydney on this one. White people believe in aliens. That's country.

[B]

But that's. He's not that country. He's not that country. It's not as country as black people think Vancouver is.

[E]

Yeah, I mean, it's either me or Chain. It's not me.

[B]

That's how I feel.

[A]

Yeah, it's either you or I feel.

[E]

Like Che exclusively deals with white women that believe in their boobs.

[B]

Lewis, you're dressed like the assistant manager of this club. Who do you think it is?

[A]

I had to wear a nice button down to. Of course, dude.

[B]

How could you not?

[A]

I went to a nice restaurant.

[B]

God damn right, dude. You went to Outback Steakhouse in Times Square.

[A]

Times Square.

[B]

And they're like, oh, Mr. Gomez, you're blooming on you.

[A]

Oh, you. This is a crucial round for me right now. I have to get this answer right in order to stay in the game. This is the seventh. I do believe it's cheap.

[B]

Jay, I could help you on this. Dude.

[A]

Jay, is this you, bro?

[D]

It's not me, man.

[A]

I think it's J votes for Che.

[C]

I think it's Jay.

[E]

No, now I think it's Dante.

[B]

Lewis, you made a good decision, especially on employee evaluation day, that you've dressed up.

[A]

Che is the answer, and it is the only.

[B]

I agree. Alex. All five answers are in.

[F]

Story number seven belongs to Che. Daring.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Jay got no points on that round.

[E]

Jay got skunked.

[B]

We found out too early that you talk to dummies a lot.

[A]

Was that both times? Did you get no points both times? It was your source story.

[D]

No, no, I got points on the last one.

[A]

Okay, so what happened with the story here?

[D]

Yeah, it's Nicole Aniston. She is a porn star. No, she talked to us for, yeah, like, 45 minutes about how, like, Black Hawk helicopters are following her. She has a microchip in her tit.

[B]

Who wants their dick sucked.

[D]

She meditates and communicates.

[A]

You guys all acted like it was really interesting because you want your dick sucked. You're like, this is so cool.

[B]

You go, wow, that's crazy. So the aliens like to. They implanted or was like, like laparoscopic.

[A]

Having to act Interested for a hot chick sucks.

[B]

Especially when her ideas are batshit. And that's when it took me and started studying my brain. You go, whoa. What do they find? No way. Hey, you want to finish talking about this in the hot tub or whatever? Alex, what are our scores?

[F]

Tied for fourth place with 10 points each. Che Darena and Dante Nero.

[B]

Yeah, coming up, coming up.

[A]

But do you get what I'm saying? You said that they're.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

She admitted that they're fourth place. This is what I'm saying.

[B]

Just switch cell phone plans. Stop complaining at this team mobile. They're not going to hear your complaints.

[A]

Also, they're giving out your bills. Which we decided a month ago that wouldn't happen anymore.

[B]

No, that's not true. That. You gotta let them know. Yeah, Martha Stewart pulled that black Amex car. You know, you're spending bottomless money. You got that bottomless money. Ooh, Dante, you're gonna be so rich, dude. Ah. You're gonna be rubbing witch hazel over her knees at night. I can't wait. I can't wait till you can't hang out because you're tending this woman.

[C]

Love to do story wars, but we're going equestrian.

[B]

We're gonna be taking our two person sports car that doesn't have a roof out. I'll be wearing my driving gloves if anyone needs me.

[A]

Alex.

[B]

Dante, you should become her husband, but you should only let her ride in the backseat while you drive.

[F]

In third place with 12 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I call him second. Second place. You're right next to second place, dude.

[F]

In second place with 14 points, Big J Okerson. And in the lead with 18 points, Sydney Gann.

[B]

Sydney came to play. Sydney came to play.

[E]

What's the record? What's the record?

[B]

I wanted 75 points.

[A]

The record. No, the record is like 48 points or some crazy shit. Ah, shit. Yeah, we got one story left. We have one story left.

[B]

And let me tell you something. One story left to take home. The comedy literary journal Eggplant Emoji, Volume five, which proves that literature does not have to feel like homework. It brings energy back to short fiction and makes reading feel fun and accessible again. This is the kind of book that reminds you why people fall in love with stories in the first. This is a closer game than we've had in quite some time. Alex, story good. No, it was good. That was one of the ladies. Jesus, sir, that was one of the white girls. Karen, you pig. Alex, story number eight.

[A]

That's that.

[F]

Story number eight. My white Girlfriend had a cat that kept attacking me. One day it crossed a line, so I kidnapped it and dropped it off at the mall. When she realized it was missing, I refused to help her look for it.

[B]

It's something Lewis would do for sure. Louis, I agree.

[A]

That is crazy.

[E]

Story.

[B]

I agree. It should be. Lewis, timeout.

[A]

First of all, I'm an animal lover.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would never do.

[B]

Well, you are dressed like a crocodile hunter. You are dressed for safari.

[A]

I have dated almost exclusively w white women.

[B]

You hate Hispanics and blacks. You scoff at an Asian.

[A]

But this is. This is not me. I mean here's the thing that the cat that kept attacking me. You have to understand. Like who.

[E]

What?

[A]

Hold on. Who looks like a cat toy? Che Durena. He's got a giant ball like head. The cat cat kept on jumping on its head.

[D]

It's the worst deflect of all time.

[B]

Dude, Jay would not leave a cat at a mall.

[E]

Guys, it's not me.

[A]

You're going to waste your vote. Shut up. Sir, security, remove this guy. Violently remove him violently. Right now.

[B]

This is heartless behavior.

[A]

You're wasting your Jay, you're wasting your vote.

[B]

Totally. I know you really want me to win. I know you really want me to win. So you would tell me the good, right? I'm not gonna win.

[A]

Jay, you have a chance of winning this. Jay, you're gonna waste your vote. Dude. All right, be an idiot. You're all dumb idiots. You're all dumb idiots.

[E]

Dude. Good.

[A]

I'm gonna be the only one who gets this one, right.

[C]

Lewis likes dogs. He don't like cats.

[A]

I don't like cats. No, I don't mind cats. I love cats. Cats are great. I love them. Fuck em, Dr. David. That's rule.

[E]

Dude.

[B]

It's Lewis playing from a stereo from the rooftops. Yeah.

[A]

Idiots. Idiots. Oh, this could be Jay playing the game again. No, Jay wouldn't do that. Jay wouldn't. I wouldn't know the story.

[B]

This the last story. All my stories were written like hey, my man. Man. That crazy man. Crazy ass white. That's how I wrote all my stories. And we only got to one know. Or maybe this is me.

[E]

Yeah, I feel like it. I feel like if I don't vote for Jay, he could overtake me.

[B]

It's possible.

[A]

Sydney. You know what? Hold on. How do I. Sydney. This is probably Sydney.

[B]

Dude, penis in the.

[A]

God damn it. Dude. I think this is Sydney Ganton. I think he's running away with this entire thing.

[B]

He's trying to get you to not Vote for him. Ah, man. City's going to win.

[A]

Dude, no.

[E]

If I don't vote for Jack, he could.

[A]

Whatever, whatever, whatever.

[B]

If it's L, I think it's Lewis. I think Sydney won you, Alex.

[A]

All of our answers are in. Everyone voted for me. I voted for Sydney. I want to prove everyone wrong. You're all idiots. Alex, whose story was story number eight? Idiot fools. Dumb asses. Dumb asses. Go ahead, Alex. Get Alex. Tell these dumbasses whose story story number eight was.

[F]

Story number eight belongs to Sidney.

[B]

He knows me.

[E]

He knows me. He knows me.

[A]

Dumbass.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

What did I tell you? Yes.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

You idiot.

[E]

Lewis knows what a champion looks like. Let's fucking go. Let's go.

[B]

Fuck that cat. Fuck that cat.

[A]

Fuck that cat.

[B]

Fuck that cat.

[A]

City. Tell us this story. What happened here? Who was this chick? What was the cat's name, first of all?

[E]

Oh, man, it was such an adorable little cat. It was named Nala. It was named after the Lion King.

[B]

Lion King.

[E]

And it was just. But it kept, like, jumping at my face. Every time I would walk in a room, it would jump in my face. And one day it swiped at my Achilles. And I was like, nah, nah, you're not taking my vertical jump away from me, cat. Like, what the.

[B]

It's all you got.

[E]

Yeah. And I ch. I grabbed. I grabbed a pillowcase and put both my hands in it and chased the cat around the house until I caught it and then like, scooped it up.

[A]

In the pillowcase inside out.

[E]

Inside out.

[A]

Inside out of the pillowcase. Beautiful.

[E]

Brilliant move, right?

[A]

Beautiful move. Dude.

[E]

I thought about this for months. Months.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

And then I. And I dropped it off at the mall. And then like a couple days later, because it was like an outdoor cat. Listen, I know this is a horrible thing I did, by the way. It's my most regrettable act for sure. So please don't try to start a hashtag meowto movement. Like, I apologize.

[B]

Not worth it.

[E]

No. But I dropped it off at the mall. And then a couple days later, she. She was, you know, she couldn't find it. She was all distraught a couple days later because it was an outdoor cat. So she wasn't worried about it right away. And then when she. Once she was worried about it, she was like, can you help me look for it? And I was like, you know, I hate that cat cat.

[B]

Yeah. If you. Also, if you have an outdoor cat, you already hate your cat.

[E]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

You're waiting for this to run away.

[E]

So, yeah, that was it.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

I kidnapped that.

[D]

I Never came back.

[E]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I did. Taken on a cat and, oh, Jesus. Never came back.

[B]

She had no skills to be able to find that cat. Wow.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Alex, eight stories down, give us our final scores. I think I know who won, but make it official.

[F]

All right. Tied for fourth place with 10 points each. Che Darina and Dante Nero.

[A]

The point I'm making is that there's not much consistency. Before she would say that was fifth place, but now it's fourth place.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

We can move on.

[B]

HR Lewis sucks, dude, get out of your severance clothes.

[F]

Louis, you. I hate to say this, you simply don't understand how this is working. Because I would never say that.

[B]

Whoa, whoa. Louis Lewis wearing a short sleeve button down shirt doesn't give you a college diploma.

[F]

It's. It's the point that there's a tie is where you skip one spot.

[A]

No, I understand. I don't understand. You don't understand how you don't have a job anymore, which is weird. Which is a weird.

[B]

Alex, we're about to be downsizing because we need to make new yick. Dude, I don't like corporate Lewis. He sucks, dude.

[A]

Go ahead, Alex.

[F]

In third place with 14 points, Big J Okerson. In second place with 16 points, Luis J. Gomez. And your winner tonight with 24 points, Sydney Gantt.

[B]

Sydney Gantt, your newest story, warrior.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Takes home eggplant emoji, Volume 5, the comedy literary Journal. Absolutely. Oh, by the way, signed.

[E]

Oh, hell yeah.

[B]

Absolutely signed by everybody on the panel and the author. Sydney, congratulations. You are the newest story where, you know, now you get to trigger.

[E]

I cannot wait to say double points.

[B]

Let's go.

[E]

Let'S go.

[B]

Welcome to the Story warriors family. That is something that never ends. Sidney Gant is in fact a story warrior. He goes on the wall. Thank you so much for being here. How about for our amazing panel all around, the great Dante Nero Band School 202 podcast, the Two Goons podcast with Shay Duran. And make sure you check it out. Sydney gang, your newest story Warrior, the World War Fun podcast with Ryan Shaner for Story wars, everybody. I'm Big J Okerson.

[A]

I'm Louis Shay Gomez.

[B]

We'll catch you next time, everybody. Until then, peace.