082. Robert Kelly, Gabby Bryan, Dedrick Flynn | Rejection

Summary

Story Warz Episode 082: Robert Kelly, Gabby Bryan, Dedrick Flynn | "Rejection"

Date: February 27, 2026
Location: Live from The Stand Comedy Club, NYC
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Robert “Bobby” Kelly, Gabby Bryan, Dedrick Flynn

---

Overview

This rowdy, joke-packed episode of Story Warz revolved around the theme of Rejection. Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez lead a chaotic but hilarious battle of wit and deception, joined by comedians Robert Kelly, Gabby Bryan, and Dedrick Flynn. The show’s signature format: each panelist submits stories about rejection, and everyone tries to guess whose are whose, while points are scored for fooling or correctly identifying others. The live crowd and unpredictable energy turned this into the show’s most unhinged episode to date.

---

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

Opening & Introductions (00:12–07:00)

• Setting the Tone & Guests:
  • Hosts clown on the mostly-white audience (“98% white guy audience today...like a frat party.” — Jay, 00:59), promise a fantastic show, and introduce guests, razzing each up front.
  • Gabby Bryan: Pressured into joining (“You made me.” “Against my will. Which, to be fair, is my favorite thing to do—make women do things they don’t want to do.” — Jay & Luis, 02:57).
  • Dedrick Flynn: Not wearing gold teeth; trash talk about taking Luis’s poker money, complains about NYC weather (“Half of these niggas in the crowd got jackets on. Come down south, it’s warm.” — Dedrick, 04:08)
  • Robert Kelly: All-time guest scorer is up for grabs if Bobby scores 15+ points tonight.

Game Rules and Concept (07:00–08:13)

• Each panelist wrote 3–5 stories about “rejection.”
• Producer Alex reads anonymous stories; points for fooling/guessing others.
• Winners take home Creatures by K.R. Beard Berard (werewolf detective novel).

---

Notable Stories and Panel Banter

1. Miscarriage Story (08:35–18:29)

“My partner and I found out we were having a baby. We decided to keep it, but then there was a miscarriage and we lost the baby.” — Story #1

• Immediate dark jokes:
  “God rejected this baby.” (08:47)
• Wild guesses and riffing:
  Jokes about Bobby’s weak sperm, miscarriages at Six Flags, Gabby's family and Bon Jovi connections.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Robert Kelly.
  • Robert recounts telling everyone about the pregnancy too early and then having to retract it (“She shit it in the toilet like a week later. I had to call everybody back and go, hey, Gemma didn’t make it.” — Bobby, 18:08)
• Memorable moment:
  “Old babies die.” — Running joke after story reveal.

---

2. Rejection Hotline (20:09–28:44)

“I asked for someone’s number and was instead given the number for the rejection hotline... I never got to give it to anyone else because no one asked me for my number that I wanted to reject.” — Story #2

• Panel jokes about old school hotlines and the generational gap (“If you say hotline, you’re old as fuck.” — Dedrick, 20:40)
• Debated if this was Jay or Lewis; mocked each other's history of rejection.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Luis J. Gomez.
  • Luis details his experience selling comedy tickets, calling the hotline, then adopting it as a gag for potential future use (28:09).
  • Plays current Rejection Hotline live on stage—crowd loses it.

---

3. Drunk Lifesaving at a Commune (33:52–43:24)

“I once saved a girl’s life from bleeding out. I drunk drove her to the hospital in the middle of the night. The next day, she was a bitch to me.” — Story #3

• Panel immediately suspects Gabby (“I would never save a life.” — Gabby, 35:04)
• Big debate on who would both save & be wronged; Gabby’s “commune in Maine” lesbian phase recounted with over-the-top impressions from male comics.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Gabby Bryan.
  • Gabby, blackout drunk, finds and tours a seriously injured girl to the hospital, only to be barely acknowledged the next day (“I saved your life, you bitch.” — Gabby, 43:10)

---

4. Rap Parody Got Me Rejected from College (45:29–53:41)

“I was rejected from a college because during my investigation they came across a rap parody of Lil Wayne’s ‘Money Weed’ where I changed the lyrics to ‘Lettuce, tomato, cheese.’” — Story #4

• Joked about Dedrick not knowing what “parody” means or not having gone to college (and that “lettuce” is suspect).
• Explodes when Dedrick accidentally writes his own name on his answer board, violating the rules.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Dedrick Flynn.
  • Dedrick explains he got rejected from Stanford because of a Facebook rap parody (“They said I used the N word 42 times in that entire song, and they said that’s not Stanford material.” — Dedrick, 53:22)

---

5. Big Audition: Used as B-Roll for Failures (62:19–73:15)

“I was added to a big audition last minute. I was only used as B-roll as one of the many awful failures who bombed on the show.” — Story #5

• Guessing between Bobby and Big Jay—heated debate.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Big Jay Okerson.
  • Jay describes bombing at a Last Comic Standing taping, where NBC execs tried to provoke him for good TV but he left with dignity (“They go, do people actually pay you for that garbage?” — Jay, 71:19)
  • Points dinged because Jay exaggerated claim of being used as B-roll; admin drama ensues.

---

6. Downgraded at Celebrity Charity (79:00–84:48)

“A famous friend asked me to feed the homeless... Ten minutes in, I was asked to hand over my spoon to a more famous person.” — Story #6

• Speculation: “This is Gabby...your dad’s famous friends.” (79:23)
• More trash talk about Gabby’s family and comedy world climbing.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Robert Kelly.
  • Bobby: Dane Cook brought him to a famous Thanksgiving charity event at the Laugh Factory; Bobby quickly replaced by Arsenio Hall for serving mashed potatoes (“Arsenio wants stuffing.” — Bobby, 84:14). Ends up in a hallway handing out unwanted water bottles.

---

7. Plane Puke & Pants Accident (85:42–93:00)

“One time I had to puke on an airplane. I covered my mouth...the puke came out my nose...later, I found I had shit my pants a little.” — Story #7

• Everyone jokes how disgusting this is; debate whether Gabby would ever admit to this.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Gabby Bryan.
  • Gabby’s confession: Hungover flight, pukes through nose, realizes later she “shit a little.” (“I was in Europe...” — Gabby, 92:00)
• Even after this confession, Gabby is declared “still hot” (“Gabby’s so hot that it still didn’t ruin it for me...” — Luis, 92:07).

---

8. Rejected From Job Due to Walmart Ban (97:27–104:15)

“I got rejected from working at a restaurant because the manager recognized me from my photo from being banned from the Walmart where his brother worked.” — Story #8

• Process of elimination lands on Dedrick.
• Reveal: Story belongs to Dedrick Flynn.
  • Details how he was banned from Walmart for BMX antics and mushing an old security guard; manager at restaurant recognized him from the Walmart ban (“I mushed that nigga onto the ground.” — Dedrick, 102:54)
  • Panel marvels at how on-brand this was.

---

Final Standings & Notable Achievements

• Final Scores:

  • 1st Place: Big Jay Okerson — 22 points (third win in a row, now official Story Warz dynasty)
  • 2nd Place: Gabby Bryan — 15 points (impressive comeback, nearly toppled Jay)
  • Tied 3rd: Luis J. Gomez & Robert Kelly — 14 points
  • Last Place: Dedrick Flynn — 2 points (tied for lowest score in Story Warz history)

• Records:

  • Dedrick is tied with Monroe Martin for lowest-ever score.
  • Bobby Kelly ties Tim Butterly for highest guest score.

---

Memorable Quotes & Comedy Moments

On Old White Audiences

• “98% white guy audience today. Look at this, dude. It’s like a frat party in here.” — Big Jay, 00:59

On "Rejection Hotline"

• “If you say hotline, you’re old as fuck.” — Dedrick, 20:40

On Tragic Personal Stories

• “Old babies die.” — running joke throughout Miscarriage story segment.

On Gabby's Commune Story

• “Of course you went through your lesbian phase in Boston. With real men.” — Bobby & Panel, 40:44

On Mall Mayhem

• “I mushed that nigga onto the ground.” — Dedrick Flynn, 102:54 (Walmart ban story)

On Hotness Despite Gross Stories

• “Gabby’s so hot that it still didn’t ruin it for me...” — Luis J. Gomez, 92:07

On Dedrick's Score

• “Dedrick is tied with Monroe Martin for the lowest score in Story wars history. There’s a fee--theme here.” — Panel, 104:25

---

Episode Structure & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Summary | |------------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:12 | Hosts & tone-setting, crowd jokes, intro rules | | 02:32 | Guest intros: Gabby, Dedrick, Bobby — roasting each other | | 08:35 | Story #1: Miscarriage (Robert Kelly) & intense riffing | | 20:09 | Story #2: Rejection Hotline (Luis J. Gomez); live example | | 33:52 | Story #3: Commune rescue (Gabby Bryan) | | 45:29 | Story #4: Rap parody rejection (Dedrick Flynn) | | 62:19 | Story #5: TV audition/B-roll (Big Jay Okerson) | | 79:00 | Story #6: Charity snub by celebrity (Robert Kelly) | | 85:42 | Story #7: Airplane puke/pants accident (Gabby Bryan) | | 97:27 | Story #8: Walmart ban impacts job (Dedrick Flynn) | | 104:15 | Final scores, winner crowning, closing crowd energy |

---

Episode Tone & Atmosphere

• Chaotic, relentlessly funny, and sometimes gleefully inappropriate/raunchy.
• Massive crowd interplay, intense riffing, frequent side conversations.
• Friendly but brutal rivalry and “old vs young”, “New York vs Boston,” and “white vs black” runs as themes.
• Rules are playfully enforced (or not); even admin errors used for laughs.

---

For First-Time Listeners:

This episode is a perfect encapsulation of the anarchic, joke-driven, “ball-busting” heart of Story Warz. It’s a comedic roast-meets-reality-game that only New York club comics could deliver. The stories are always real (even if stretched), the gamesmanship is intense, and the laughter never stops—even in the face of personal embarrassment or tragedy.

---

End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Fill her up. You're listening to the gas digital network.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars with the story warriors, big j okerson and lewis j. Gomez.

[C]

What is up, everybody? Welcome to Story Awards. Make some noise and here for me, will you? New York City.

[B]

What's going on? New York Comedy Club, sold out show. What is it, fucking 17, 18 weeks in a row? Maybe with that one, but we're not gonna talk about that one. Yeah, there was that one snowstorm.

[C]

Snowstorm.

[B]

It was crazy.

[C]

And there were still people here.

[B]

It was a couple.

[C]

We did okay.

[B]

I really. It's a 98% white guy audience today. Look at this, dude. It's like a frat party in here. Dude.

[C]

One sweet black woman over there surrounded by animals.

[B]

We're taking back the bad bunny performance.

[C]

Miss, I promise you, we're working on the ratios. We're gonna figure it out. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[B]

And who here is not familiar with Story Wars?

[C]

They just boo.

[B]

We got a couple people. We got a couple people. You got. Listen to me. You're gonna love this. It's a very, very fun show that you're gonna figure out very quickly. But I'll tell you right now, this is gonna be a good one. We got a great show planned today.

[C]

Effing fantastic show. Should we start getting our guests up here?

[B]

Please. Let's do it, Jay.

[C]

Very, very nice. Well, we have. Oh, it's in our phones now.

[B]

The printer wasn't working. Printer?

[C]

The bed here, if you were wondering.

[B]

I bet Kill Tony is a printer.

[C]

Probably.

[B]

They print it out on that guy that can't talk. They print it out on his neck. Story wars is a game.

[C]

Our first contestant, everybody, you know her from the Let Me Ask My dad podcast. Also from the Girl Town hall crowd work special makes noise for the hilarious Gabby Bryant.

[B]

Gabby, hi. Gabby's so excited to be here.

[D]

I know. I'm excited.

[B]

I know you are. Yeah.

[D]

Should I be bummed?

[B]

No, you should. You should be very excited. But I asked her a while ago, and she was like, I don't know. And then I got furious with her. Yeah.

[D]

You talk about me on a podcast.

[C]

I did.

[D]

And then Bobby called me 17 times and was like, you have to do the show. You've offended Lewis.

[B]

I know. Well, you know what?

[C]

Then it's actually excited to be here at all.

[B]

She wasn't excited.

[C]

You just said she's so excited to be here. And she was like, you made me.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Against my will.

[B]

Which. Which, to be fair, is my Favor thing to do is make women do things they don't want to do.

[D]

I love that.

[B]

Very nice.

[D]

This was rape.

[B]

True podcast rape, folks. Our next performer coming to the stage and a competitor. You guys know him as the newest regular on Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Dedrick Flynn. Let him hear.

[A]

Hey, guys.

[B]

Very, very happy to have you on the show. Dedrick, you're not wearing your gold teeth for us, which I feel like that's disrespect to Story Wars.

[A]

Yeah, but I took all your money in that poker game we played last year. Lame ass.

[C]

He's getting new teeth made.

[B]

Dude, he dumb.

[A]

I mean, yeah, I got. I got. I'm getting all full slugs. And I'm gonna put on my Netflix special just for you. It's gonna call Louis Gomez all your money.

[C]

Are you paying poker?

[B]

I'm not good at poker. And apparently Dedrick is unbelievable at poker.

[A]

Lame ass keep trying to talk to me. Talking about new is cold as hell. I hate this.

[C]

God, I hate it now, too.

[A]

Y' all don't got to live like this. Half of these niggas in the crowd got jackets on. Come down south, it's warm. You can be over there with some

[C]

big booty bleaches that. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. This weather sucks.

[A]

Dick trash.

[C]

Oh. Last but not least, our final contestant of the night. He has a record of 1 and 3. Yes, he's 1 and 3. But if he scores just 15 points tonight, he would be the all time leading scorer guest.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Wow. On Story Wars. From the bonfire, from the regs. You know what, dude? His special kill box. What more can you say? It's the great Robert Kelly,

[B]

The legend.

[E]

What's up, mother?

[A]

What?

[D]

Smile.

[E]

I don't. This is show business. You don't smile.

[C]

Hey, smile, princess.

[D]

Smile, princess.

[C]

Well, you don't like to smile, girl. Yeah.

[B]

Gabby's doing what we do to women.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I love it.

[E]

Here's the thing.

[D]

Show your body.

[E]

You're smiling. I'm a story warrior.

[C]

Right, but you look a lot prettier

[E]

than you smile, baby.

[A]

You lost a lot, though.

[E]

I only lost once, man.

[C]

No, you lost three times.

[E]

All right, well, then I. I didn't add it up.

[C]

You won once, but you did win once. You did win once. You are a story warrior. Hear that, Bobby? If you score 15 points tonight.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You're the all time leading scorer of guests of Story Wars.

[B]

But we're not gonna let that happen because me and Big J are very excited to keep our book at Home, so.

[C]

Oh, you have no idea.

[E]

I'm gonna fucking blow that score. I'm gonna win tonight. You're double. I'm gonna what?

[D]

You're gonna blow them.

[E]

I have. How do you think I get to fucking skank fest every year?

[C]

I think he's done the show five times. Yeah.

[E]

Lewis's dick is four colors.

[B]

It's like this audience.

[C]

If you. He just realized you nailed it.

[D]

I jumped.

[C]

If you're unfamiliar with the game Story wars, it is your first time listening at home. It is a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic is rejection. Ooh. Alex, our lovely producer, has taken eight of those stories. She will read them off one at a time on this screen. It will appear for you. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[B]

Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time it's your story, and for every person you fool on the panel, you get one point. So when it is your story, you have an opportunity to get four points. That is a huge, huge, huge opportunity to pull ahead. And once you write your answer on the dry erase board, Put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand. That's it. You can't change your answer. None of them are paying attention. And this is for them. This is for them.

[E]

Every time I'm a Story wars, all

[B]

of a sudden, Gabby's not rac. This is insane.

[D]

Racist. I just don't like you. That's it. It's a personal issue.

[C]

Louis does always think that's a race thing.

[B]

And I will tell you right now, this show is so much fun for all the people that have never been here before. It's so much fun. Deadrick. Gabby, you're gonna have a lot of fun. But guess what? We're not playing for fun, folks. Jay, let him know we're playing for today.

[C]

Every week here on Story wars, we are playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner will take Home Creatures by K.R. beard Berard. Creatures follows private investigator Winston Jones, who is also a werewolf. That's not public knowledge, but in a city swarmed with the supernatural, it's not the weirdest thing going on. Winston takes on cases that the police won't or can't touch. Specializing in the kinds of mysteries that come with the glowing eyes and sharp teeth. Yeah.

[B]

Creatures. One of my favorites.

[C]

Creatures. All right, I think everybody got it. Who's gonna get it?

[B]

Yeah, I think so.

[C]

So is this crowd ready for war?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come on, folks. Are you ready for war?

[C]

Are you ready for war. Then, Alex, without any further ado, please. Story number one.

[F]

Story number one. My partner and I found out we were having a baby. We decided to keep it, but then there was a miscarriage and we lost the baby.

[B]

Oh, God. Rejection. God rejected this baby.

[C]

Jesus,

[E]

that's got to be Gabby. No, Dirty vagina just killed the baby.

[C]

Gabby.

[B]

Gabby's from a rich family. They use condoms. It's crazy. These rich.

[E]

She doesn't use condoms.

[B]

Dedrick has this story seven times in his life.

[E]

Oh, wait a minute.

[C]

You know, damn, another miscarriage. Why do I love clumsy. You just take him.

[A]

You just take him to Six Flags.

[D]

Turn that baby into a smoothie.

[C]

They say this is the oldest wooden coaster in the country.

[E]

It might be him. Cuz. He said my girlfriend. And we decided to keep it like they had the conversation. But they weren't married, so it might be.

[D]

No, he said my partner.

[A]

I don't see dumbass old ass with glasses can't see.

[E]

You can't call me my partner. Don't call me that word, cuz I can't call you that word.

[C]

Yeah, well, Bobby, you could, but there's going to be backlash.

[A]

It.

[B]

Not in this room. They're going to carry you out like a hero in this room.

[C]

But tonight you. Tonight you will be a king. But tomorrow, the pauper.

[E]

Except for this one girl.

[A]

My partner and I found out.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Excuse me. Excuse me. Those are my people. Those are my people.

[E]

I mean, look, G. You had a word partner.

[D]

Never had an abor.

[B]

This is a miscarriage.

[E]

She's lying.

[D]

Oh, a miscarriage.

[E]

Ah, she's lying.

[C]

Well, my question. I don't. I don't know your social life. Well, to know. Do you have. Do you have boyfriends? Long term boyfriends?

[D]

Not long enough for this.

[C]

Well, this can just happen from him dunking his doodle too long, right? You think me and Lewis were looking to be fathers?

[B]

I don't even know what happened. I pulled out.

[C]

I have no idea how it happened. If she didn't. If I wasn't convinced she looked a little bit like me, I wouldn't know for sure. She's 23 now. Too late.

[B]

But she owes me rent. If she's young, you should get a blood test now. That'd be hilarious.

[D]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

Well, everything I try to do, everything that I didn't do. Young, late, Like, I never got a tattoo for my daughter. So I told her that now I would do, like, her birth date when she was born, but with her current footprint, she's six foot tall, just half

[B]

my back with her big size 12

[E]

looks like the big show.

[C]

He goes, yeah, she was a healthy baby.

[B]

Bobby, did you ever have any miscarriages? Because, look, I know you and dawn tried for a very long time to get pregnant and.

[E]

No, we had.

[D]

Right. Weak sperm.

[E]

I could.

[D]

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[E]

Let me come in you, and we'll see what happens. I felt bad.

[D]

I'm calling my dad. I'm calling my dad.

[E]

Don't call your dad.

[A]

Don't call your dad.

[D]

I call my dad.

[E]

Oh, I love you, Dad. I love you, dad.

[D]

I'm calling my dad.

[E]

I want to go see Bon Jovi again.

[B]

Come on.

[E]

Stop.

[D]

You're not allowed.

[C]

Oh, can I go? Can I go? I wouldn't come inside of you.

[B]

Well, I'd pull out.

[D]

None of you are going to.

[C]

I gotta buy tickets.

[B]

Like an.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna buy tickets. I've never seen Bon Jovi so good. I want to go.

[E]

Last time I went garden, she got me side stage. And that's the night Max was on my shoulder.

[A]

And then he.

[E]

His pants. What's dead.

[C]

He was 10 years old. It was crazy.

[E]

He was five. He's just shit. I was like, did you shit? And he's like shot through the heart. And he just kept shitting. She took me. She took me into her father's dressing room and I cleaned him like a pit crew. And then I took his underwear and all those dirty shit towels and I left it in her father's bathroom. So the person cleaning it is going to find kid underwear with shit in it?

[C]

No, not the person cleaning it. The guy who comes down from playing keyboards and is exhausted and wants to relax in his room smells like baby shit now.

[B]

We should tell people. There's people that are. Her father is in Bon Jovi.

[D]

Yeah, but these are all old men. They shit their pants all the time. You guys should know that.

[C]

That is true.

[A]

What is Bon Jovi?

[B]

Oh, come on.

[E]

Bon Jovi is.

[C]

They're a musical act from the 1980. I love. I love them so much.

[E]

They used to. They used to have long hair. Now they look like people's aunts.

[D]

Yeah, they look like women.

[C]

They all look like people named Ruth.

[B]

All right. Honestly. So, Big J, once again, you. You Got a daughter. But you might have a miscarriage in there as well. I could easily see that happening.

[C]

Two abortions, no accidents. All my baby murders are on purpose.

[B]

Hell yeah, dude. Take that Trump's America.

[C]

I like to see him and before it happens, I look at them and I go, I did this to you. Remember my face.

[E]

Tell your friend J. I got one abortion too.

[B]

You got one abortion?

[E]

Yeah, I got one under my. You got one. One. Like story wise, I have one win and one abortion.

[D]

The same thing.

[C]

And a possible like spades.

[B]

It could be anybody on this panel.

[D]

I really think it's got to be G. I think it's Bobby.

[E]

No, she used the word partner.

[D]

I would never say.

[C]

I don't see men as we always got to say for the rules here, that is there's a. Because there's a female on the panel, they have to keep female. Yeah, chick.

[B]

Females offensive to women these days.

[D]

I like chick better.

[C]

Sure, yeah, chick. There's a chick on the panel.

[D]

Sorry, skirt.

[C]

There's a dame.

[E]

Yeah, this broad. It's this broad right here.

[C]

Because this thing back decides she wants to play the game and step up with the boys. No, you have to. Alex would have to change gender to make sure things aren't obvious.

[D]

Oh, so it was girlfriend.

[A]

Can I.

[C]

Can I could have been girlfriend or boy.

[A]

Can I say that this is the most like, like female energy ridden sentence. Yeah, we decided to keep it. That is definitely you. There is no nigga who decided to keep it. And until we. She's gonna keep it.

[B]

Ooh, that's a great point.

[D]

There's ketchup.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

No, you're right.

[E]

She's tax write off. And the benefits.

[C]

No, you're right. She's keeping it and you have to do it.

[A]

She decided to keep it. They know we ain't gonna talk like that. We decided.

[D]

No, they changed it.

[C]

Can I tell you guys, Can I throw a wrench in the works here a little bit?

[B]

Yeah, throw a wrench at that baby.

[C]

Yeah. Lewis has dated a lot of stupid people.

[E]

Yeah. And Lewis, they say the same thing.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, right. Lewis date a lot of stupid people. And Lewis, I'm pretty sure until about six months ago thinks that the first little bit of cum doesn't have any baby jizzing.

[E]

He doesn't know. Larry Bird always dribbles before he shoots.

[C]

Right. This could have happened.

[A]

This. God ain't gonna let this nigga have another baby. Look at him. God is not gonna let you have another baby.

[B]

First of all, I will have other babies. Probably one day.

[A]

You were fat two months ago when I met you.

[D]

He's not consistent.

[A]

For a moment you got sober. And it wasn't because of this story.

[B]

Let me say this. Let me say this couple things. Number one, is not me. Number two, it's not Gabby. Gabby. Gabby's. What are you, 24 now? 25.

[D]

I'm 31.

[B]

No, you're not. Yeah, it's Gabby.

[A]

Yeah, you know, it's not.

[D]

It's not.

[E]

I think it be Lewis, though, now, because he's.

[B]

It could be Bobby. Bobby wanted a baby. He has old come. His wife's old. Everyone's old there. These. Those babies died. That's what happens, right?

[D]

Old babies die.

[B]

Old. Old babies die. Old babies die. Old babies die. Old babies die.

[D]

I'm too young. I'm too young.

[B]

You're a fool.

[D]

Oh, you did bubble letters.

[E]

It's gotta be Gabby, cuz it's

[D]

gotten pregnant.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

You're a liar. I come to white women. Everybody.

[C]

It's Louis. It's Lewis. It's so much Lew.

[B]

I'm going. Big J Okerson.

[C]

No. Oh, Dedrick. Big J. Dedrick, I feel terrible.

[B]

No, Gabby. Gabby. Gabby. You're wasting.

[C]

Gabby.

[B]

I think you're right to get points. I don't want you to get points. Good job, idiot.

[C]

You know what?

[B]

Good job, dumb hot chick. You dumb bitch. Oh, I want to fuck you so bad. Anyway, Go.

[C]

Gabby.

[D]

I know.

[C]

Gabby. Gabby. I swear to God, if this is Lewis, it's not me. If it's Louis, I will come inside of you.

[D]

Alex, no one's coming inside of me.

[A]

Alex.

[C]

Alex. We're gonna have the littlest Bon Jovi and we're naming it Bon Jovi. Brian.

[A]

Sir, you have too many piercings on your face to not have a miscarriage.

[F]

No.

[D]

Maybe you thought you came. Maybe you thought you came on her, but you weren't wearing a shirt.

[B]

Scores are in. Scores are in. Alan.

[F]

Alex.

[B]

Story. This has been a fun round one. We're fucking back with some energy tonight. Alex. Round number one. Whose story is this?

[F]

Story number one belongs to Robert Kelly.

[D]

Old babies die.

[A]

Old babies die. Old babies die.

[D]

Old babies die.

[A]

I'm glad. I'm glad the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Nigga, I hate you. Of course you got your baby.

[E]

You guys really think the first time I got dawn pregnant, it worked? It came out yellow like gelatin.

[C]

I believed in her more than you.

[E]

Her own womb.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

She was 40.

[C]

I picture she has a perfect for harboring babies. This is why.

[B]

This is why your 5 year old is on your head because it was all come.

[E]

This is the worst part.

[C]

We were.

[E]

I actually got the phone call that she was pregnant. And I told Billy Derosa and they congratulated me, and I told everybody because I didn't know. You weren't supposed to tell people right away. You're supposed to wait until it fucking gets arms or some shit. And then she shit it in the toilet like a week later. I had to call everybody back and go, hey, Gemma didn't make it.

[B]

You named her?

[E]

Yeah, we picked Gemma from that fucking dumb fucking biker TV show, Sons of Anarchy.

[D]

You were gonna name your daughter after a biker?

[E]

T. No, the girl. The lady.

[C]

No, the lady. She got raped by a white supremacist.

[D]

You're going to name your daughter someone who got raped on.

[C]

Yeah, because now she can do better than that. Gemma.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Right. You're setting the bar low.

[C]

The bar is set low, Gabby. I seriously, really want to see Bon Jovi.

[D]

Okay. But not now.

[C]

Oh, okay, Alex, where our point?

[B]

I mean, I know where our points are at. Where are they at, though?

[F]

In first place, with four points, Bobby Kelly.

[E]

What's up?

[C]

He is cruising. Cruising the fifth world. More points.

[D]

Dude, I kind of want Bobby to win.

[E]

Oh, don't say that. You woke

[D]

up.

[F]

You're old.

[A]

No, you. If I had read it in your dumbass Boston accent. My partner and I, we decided.

[E]

Yeah, your accent's real good.

[A]

Dumb redneck women come.

[E]

We don't even understand you. We gotta put translation on the video.

[B]

You.

[E]

You.

[B]

We should have never put a guy from Boston and a black guy from the south next to each other.

[C]

Bobby has a Boston accent and Dedrick has an underbite accent.

[A]

You. You're mad about the jewelry thing and I'm so sorry about.

[B]

No, I'm not.

[A]

I hate you, too.

[B]

One story down, Alex. Story number two.

[C]

Good energy show.

[F]

Story number two. I asked for someone's number and was instead given the number for the rejection hotline. It was a hotline that told you that you were being rejected? I never got to give it to anyone else because no one asked me for my number that I wanted to reject.

[C]

Yo, this is me or Lewis for sure. And I'm letting you know it's not me. It's only me or Lewis.

[B]

Do you know what the rejection hotline is?

[A]

No. If you say hotline, you're old as.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

That's all I know.

[D]

This was written in 1970.

[E]

Yeah. And first of all, you don't ask for the number. You have Christine. Ask for the number.

[C]

It's possible, but it's also the rejection. There was there, Remember? There was one that was like hall and Oats or something.

[B]

I don't know, the whole. I knew one where it was like you have to press different numbers and they'd have different people reject you. It'd be like a person.

[C]

I heard about that. Wait, can I. I heard some losers.

[B]

I'm not a phony. I will admit that. I know. What?

[A]

This question, Louis, when they asked you about, did she write it on a napkin?

[B]

Come on, bro.

[D]

That was good.

[C]

Or a matchbook, definitely.

[D]

But I, I bet she carved it into stone.

[A]

Yes, like a tablet from Convince me it's not.

[B]

I, I, I don't need to convince you. I, I, I realize that I spend too much time trying to convince people it's not me. I want you to not get points. So write me. I don't give a. I think it's Big J playing the game right now.

[E]

Big J. You're and Big J.

[B]

And I'll tell you why. Because.

[C]

No, seriously, please don't give me. Because you're gonna give Lewis points. Oh, you know, I mean, what? What? Can I tell you something? It's Lewis.

[B]

He's doing the thing that I just did. The thing that I just did.

[C]

It's easy. It's Lewis. I'll get two points. You'll have four. I'll be halfway there. And everybody else just gets.

[B]

I'm.

[C]

It's fine. I think everybody see Lou, everybody see me.

[B]

Big J is flipping out right now. He's full fledged meltdown.

[D]

I think it's Big J. Because if it was Lewis, they would send him to the suicide hotline.

[C]

It's true. That's true.

[A]

Nah, he was fat before.

[C]

Every day is a gift.

[A]

Were you fat then?

[B]

I fluctuate. It could have been in any.

[A]

You haven't said no. It's Louis.

[E]

The thing at the end. Listen, this is the thing, though. At the end. This is very girly because no one asked me for my number that I wanted to reject, so.

[B]

It's Gabby J. You're right.

[C]

Gabby's a girl. Gabby's a pretty girl. She's not.

[D]

I've never asked for a man's number.

[A]

You get their Instagram. It's an app, so. An app.

[B]

Bobby.

[D]

An app is Bobby. You're gonna love it.

[E]

I barely got what you said, but it was fine.

[C]

Oh, f. He's trying to say the Internet.

[B]

I think it's Big J. Look, let me say this. Big J. And I love you. Brother, but you're a desperate asshole. You've been rejected by a lot of women in your life, and I couldn't imagine you wanting to. You've. You've horrific looking women. You would never reject anybody. This is you guys. It's a hilarious written story.

[C]

Listen, remember all this? Remember all this. Jay is this. And Jay is, bye, bye, bye, Jason. He's saying, I'm scurrying. I'm literally laying back.

[E]

Jay, what do you say?

[D]

I'm sorry, this.

[A]

And then he's.

[C]

Jay is. And Jay's freaking out. Jay's freaking out. He said I'm.

[B]

He hasn't stopped talking.

[A]

Are you wearing those gloves?

[D]

Right?

[C]

Bobby bought these for me.

[E]

Gloves on.

[C]

Bobby bought these for me.

[A]

Were. Were you wearing those gloves?

[C]

When I've only had them for two

[E]

weeks at Hot Topic at the mall,

[D]

for J in the women's section.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He would never ask a woman for numbers.

[E]

Bear, Bear, don't listen to him.

[C]

I won't.

[D]

You guys kiss now.

[B]

So wait, please, please.

[D]

Rejection hotline. How old are you?

[B]

Oh, actually, Derek, you know I can't bluff. You took $1,000 from me in poker last week.

[A]

Yeah, I can see the V throat coming out. He's yelling at Jay, I'm not going.

[B]

Oh, he's voting early. He's voting early because he wants to convince everyone to do it.

[D]

I know now I'm like Bobby, but is it Bobby? Oh, give Lewis the points.

[B]

I don't care.

[F]

But is it.

[E]

I think it's Gabby.

[A]

Well, people. People in Boston don't ask.

[E]

You don't think it's Gabby?

[A]

They go, let me get that.

[D]

Every girl goes, no.

[E]

You know, when girls get in a room, their wombs bond.

[D]

Let's sync up, girls, I think. Oh, rejection hotline. I never got a movie. To anyone.

[C]

It's Lewis.

[E]

Ah, Jay, but you're singing your sentence.

[C]

Bobby, you should vote for me. You vote for me.

[D]

You can't.

[C]

You can vote for me.

[E]

You want me to vote for you?

[B]

I mean, it's so obviously Jay, it's insane.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, that made me rethink.

[A]

First of all, that made me rethink.

[E]

Lewis doesn't ask. He just hits him in the head and drags him back to a car.

[D]

Right, right.

[C]

But when she came to, she gave him the hotline. Okay, Bobby. Yeah, it's okay, buddy. Write me.

[B]

Nope.

[C]

No, that was Bobby.

[D]

No, that was distraction. That was obvious manipulation.

[E]

You want fucking points, boy? Sorry, sorry, sorry. I was talking to him. I was talking to him.

[C]

Bobby.

[E]

I was Talking to him.

[C]

Bobby, you connected dots.

[E]

Listen, listen.

[C]

You connected those dots, Bobby. Nobody connected those dots.

[E]

Listen, that just came out.

[D]

Calm down.

[A]

That's crazy.

[C]

Calm down, Gabby.

[E]

Hey, New York. Fuck you with me on that one.

[B]

Put it in.

[C]

You're handing Louis a point. Who you going?

[D]

I would never talk to you like that, cuz I'm Jewish.

[E]

Who are you going with?

[A]

Oh, yeah, definitely go against it.

[C]

Bon Jovi's Jewish. I don't want to go anymore.

[D]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God, it's gabby.

[E]

I. I flip real easy, guys. So don't do that ooh stuff, because now I want to change.

[C]

Drama.

[E]

I never had a father. I don't make decisions.

[C]

They're building drama.

[A]

You've never been a father. You are somebody's dad.

[E]

That doesn't even make.

[B]

Okay, he doesn't know what fathers are.

[C]

Can I give you my. My prognostication?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Let's say me and Lewis are about to be tied and score.

[B]

Maybe I'm talking about, say, Alex. Whose story is that?

[F]

Story number two belongs to Turkey.

[C]

Me.

[F]

Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Yes. Yes, yes.

[E]

You, Me, Jay.

[B]

This was. This was literally two years before Gabby was born. Porn. This was when I was selling comedy club tickets, dude. They gave me. They gave me the rejection hotline, and it's exactly what it was. Guys, stop yapping to each other between the stories. It's a show. You.

[D]

Oh, sorry. We're having fun.

[A]

Yeah, sorry, my bad.

[B]

There's no fun between stories.

[C]

There's no fun. This game is not bad fun. This is about the story war.

[B]

So. Yeah, no, no. I got it from some chick I was trying to sell comedy club tickets to. And I went. I was so. She was so hot. I was so excited to call her. I called it. And it's like. There's like, welcome. Welcome to the New York City. Virginia. Alex, can you try to find the New York City rejection line? If it's still there, it might still exist. And it was like, welcome to the New York City rejection hotline. Sadly, you've been rejected. The person that gave this to you did not want to see you or talk to you ever again. It was like, what the fuck? And then it gave you options. They were like, press one if you want to speak to a rejection specialist. And you press it. It's like. It's like, it's okay, champ. You'll get out there. And then it was like a specialist. Yeah. Then it was like, press two if you want to, you know? And it was three options. And somebody, they read you a poem. It was three options.

[E]

Lewis still calls it for a pep talk every once in a while.

[C]

I can't believe Lewis hung in there for all the like. Okay, so wait a second. So I'm actually only paying for 10 months of Vogue magazine, but I'm getting all 12. All 12 issues.

[B]

So then I.

[C]

That's a deal.

[B]

I was like, you know what? At least she gave me that. I was like, I fucking have this. I can use this in the future. The future. Nobody had ever asked me for a number, ever. It just didn't happen. I started giving it out to other women, being like, you should use this.

[C]

You gotta be. You gotta be a. Only a twat would do that to a guy. But you gotta be a next level jerk off of a dude to do that to any chick.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[D]

I want to work for this hotline so bad.

[B]

Well, it wasn't a real person. They were recordings.

[D]

What'd you say?

[B]

It was recordings. You have it.

[E]

You never know what recordings are.

[B]

What? You sent it to me. I'm gonna. I'll see, listen, see. I hope. Dude, I really hope it's the same one. I'm going to be.

[E]

I hope it.

[B]

Answer goes.

[E]

Lewis, is this you?

[B]

Hold on. Listen, listen, listen.

[A]

It's still. Hello?

[B]

This is not the person you were trying to call. Come on, Alex, you.

[E]

Oh, yeah, yeah, but that's.

[B]

You just called it. Give me. Bring it up here. Give me your phone.

[A]

But it doesn't matter. When she doesn't pick up, that's the end of it.

[D]

The rejection hotline blocked him.

[B]

I called too many times. Even I got rejected from the rejection hotline.

[A]

Was. I'm used to. No, they have somebody to talk to me. It's Rebecca.

[E]

All right, listen, listen.

[A]

Hello?

[B]

This is not the person you were trying to call. You've reached the rejection hotline. Unfortunately, the person who gave you this rejection hotline number did not want you to have their real number.

[C]

Number.

[B]

We know this sucks, but don't be too devastated. So why were you given a rejection hotline? Maybe you're just not this person's type. No, this could mean boring, dumb, annoying, arrogant, or just a general weirdo. Maybe you suffer from that breath.

[D]

A general weirdo?

[B]

Combination of the two. Maybe you just give off that creepy overbearing cycle.

[E]

That's it.

[A]

You didn't close your flip phone by now?

[B]

Yeah, that was. It was a different version of it, but that was.

[A]

I'm waiting for the options. I know what I did, but what can I do about It.

[B]

Alex. Two stories down.

[C]

Alex. Also, can you see if the hall notes hotline still exists? And could you send that to me, please, so I could play that? I think I found it.

[A]

Alex got a black and white rejection. He took a photo of you. Just his aesthetic is in fake.

[B]

Alex, where our points at?

[E]

You got a little wordy on the last one.

[F]

With zero points, Gabby, Bryan.

[C]

Shirley. Shirley.

[D]

I'm gullible.

[F]

Tied for second place with two points each, Louis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson and Dedrick Flynn. And in the lead with four points, Bobby Kelly.

[E]

Oh, I can't wait.

[B]

All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Sheath for supporting the show. Longtime sponsor, old friends of ours, we love sheath underwear. Just. You know what?

[C]

You know what?

[B]

They are the best underwear on the planet with two holes for your dick and your balls just to keep them separated, but together at the same time. Just genuinely the best, most comfortable, best looking underwear I've ever worn in my entire life. Jay, I know that you, you love your sheets. You constantly even we're not on talking to me about how nice your dick and balls feel while you're sheathing.

[C]

Well, I love my sheaths, but my dick and balls hate each other. And finally those two worlds mean something to each other.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

Because she has worked hard to make sure they can live separate but equal lives.

[B]

Like co parenting. It's how me and my son's mother work.

[C]

That's correct. You are the balls and. Or no, you're the dick. I guess your ex would be the balls.

[B]

She is. She's a big ball.

[C]

She is the balls.

[B]

Just a wide variety of colors and patterns and materials as well. Just genuinely just the best. I wore them for workouts about as well. They have moisture wicking ones. They have just regular ones as well. Truly the best underwear you're ever going to wear in your entire life. All you got to do right now is go to sheathunderwear.com, use the promo code Wars W A R z to get 20% off your first order today. Plus sheath underwear's 100% money back guarantee. That is a guarantee that you can't hate on, right? If you don't like them, they're going to give you your money back. Sheathunderwear.com is a website promo code wars with a Z W A R Z to support the show. Support the show. And support your balls at Sheath underwear

[C]

to go to the bizank.

[B]

Okay, story warriors, let's talk about ultra, which is great. We love ultra pouches, right Here, I have them right here. I always have them on me. I. If you guys see, I actually use these all the time. They're nicotine free, caffeine free, and packed with powerful nootropics and vitamins. You guys know I'm a nootropic guy at this point. You know, a lot of people call me the East Coast Joe Rogan because of how much I love my nootropics. They have Alpha GPC in them, B12, which I had to take B12 vitamins every day. Instead of popping a pill, I just take my B12 with my Ultra pouches. Genuinely incredible. And they taste really good. They have this, like, tropical flavoring and it gives you a little, like, lip freeze. Like I'm back in my cocaine days. I really love them.

[C]

Okay, okay. I know you miss those days. Every day. And finally, something to make a cokehead feel like they're back in their good old days. It gives you instant focus, mental clarity with no nicotine or caffeine. That's the big sell right there. Yeah, pretty amazing.

[B]

Genuinely great. Look up what nootropics can do for you. Genuinely great for just memory, age, ADHD, all the things that I need help with. And 90% of Ultra users saw improvements in their overall focus levels. So right now, Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch. And new customers can use the code wars W A R z to get 15 off@take ultra.com. that's take u l t r a dot com. 15 off with that promo Code wars. All right, where were we?

[C]

Alex? Story number three.

[F]

Story number three. I once saved a girl's life from bleeding out. I drunk drove her to the hospital in the middle of the night.

[D]

Night.

[F]

And the next day, she was a to me.

[E]

Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.

[D]

Oh, that's Bobby.

[E]

Yeah, because, Bobby, I've never said she was a.

[C]

To me, she was a.

[A]

Yes, you did.

[E]

I would have said she's a cunt.

[D]

No, you're gay.

[A]

I want to save that girl's life from bleeding out. And I drove a home drunk by the hospital.

[E]

You just have to read it in Gabby's voice.

[C]

I saved your life.

[B]

Life.

[C]

And you were such a.

[B]

She was like, totally bleeding out. And I did that. Gabby, this is.

[E]

I went back.

[D]

I would never save a life.

[E]

I went backstage and in my father's dressing room, she was bleeding out.

[D]

You have such a hard on for my dad's dress.

[C]

I do.

[E]

I love him.

[C]

But you remember that guy went.

[B]

Her dad's this guy.

[C]

Okay, all right.

[B]

I didn't know.

[D]

It's Triggering. I'm like someone.

[B]

Okay, Gabby. Gabby, this is your story. To deny. Why is this not you?

[D]

Because I would never save a life. If I saw someone bleeding out, I would step over them.

[B]

Dude, she does have that vibe.

[E]

Dude, she doesn't.

[C]

If she got molested, it would have been by, like, Richie Sambora.

[B]

How cool would that be?

[E]

Oh, that's sick.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's sick.

[C]

No, but if a girl could do

[E]

worse, buddy, I got molested by a fat chick named the Blouse.

[C]

Yeah, probably got molested by a guy priest or something. Probably. You got Richie Sambora. If. Probably not, though.

[D]

I've never been molested.

[C]

No, you're welcome.

[D]

These guys want to molest me.

[C]

But if it. If you were, at very least it would have been Alec, John, or Tico Torres.

[D]

That's so gross.

[C]

I know. I'm glad they didn't do it.

[B]

I mean, let me say this, though. The drunk drove her to the hospital is giving Dedrick vibes for sure, right? I've never seen Dedrick not obliterated drunk.

[C]

I don't think Dedrick would have a she was a bitch to me thing. He would just write that off.

[E]

Guys, Gabby is a full blown alcoholic.

[D]

You have been saying that so much. I'm not. I have beautiful skin and I'm very skinny. You can't be an alcoholic and look like this.

[E]

That's an alcoholic's. Fuck you, skinny.

[D]

You can't. Can't.

[C]

That's going to function. She's like, I'm ste. You.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, wait, wait. It's not me.

[E]

It's Gabby.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Where. Where is she bleeding out from?

[E]

Ah, it might be him, right?

[B]

If it was a gunshot wound, it was Deadrick.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

We don't shoot women where I'm from.

[C]

Just hit him. But other women.

[E]

Yeah, it's not a rape story.

[C]

Other women. Women will hit him, though.

[B]

All right, I'm gonna get the voting going. I think this is. Gabby was a bitch to me as the dead giveaway.

[C]

You can't say I'm gonna get the voting going when two people have voted already.

[B]

Guys, let me start.

[C]

Let me start taking the fucking bull by the horn. You know what, guys? Enough of this bullshit.

[D]

Let's vote. I think this is Bobby. Because Bobby's obsessed with saving people's lives. He thinks he's a hero about it. He recently pulled someone out of the ocean, and he has not stopped talking about it.

[E]

I've saved one chick. She was born.

[C]

It was a little black girl.

[E]

She was black.

[C]

And by the Way from Atlanta. From Atlanta. Bobby told me off microphone the next day. She was a bitch to him.

[D]

He hates black people.

[E]

I love black people. I saved somebody.

[C]

A black somebody.

[E]

She was from Atlanta. You might be your cousin.

[B]

Gabby's voting, Bob. Gabby Dadrick is the last one to vote. Derek, what are you thinking here? My friend?

[E]

Gabby, you really think I would?

[A]

Because I need. I need a nigga so horny that he would hit her up again.

[C]

What?

[E]

What?

[A]

You could drive.

[D]

Explain. Explain. Explain.

[A]

If you shaved a girl's life.

[D]

Shaved?

[B]

No.

[A]

Saved.

[E]

Does anybody have any bread?

[A]

This nigga's a liar to hit it, girl.

[C]

We need a cracker or something.

[E]

Yeah, like rice. Some white rice.

[A]

How did you get her number? She's bleeding out. She's bleeding out and you get the girl's number and you're like, wait, it

[D]

never says anything about getting a girl's life.

[A]

No, you said I saved a girl's life from bleeding out, and I drunk drove her to the hospital. Why was she bleeding? And no nigga has no answer? And to hit her up the next day means you already had her phone number. That's some Boston ass shit. It's this nigga, right?

[E]

Yeah,

[B]

I will say I don't. I don't follow the logic.

[C]

I'll tell you what, though. If he's right. If he's right. If he's right, I'm gonna call him a genius.

[E]

Well, no, you're not.

[C]

Yeah, I will.

[B]

I just realized that Dedrick has never written lowercase Bs before. He just drew lines and then two circles.

[C]

It's a work in progress.

[A]

Hey, Lewis. Get your money back.

[B]

Alex. All of her answers are in story number three.

[F]

Belongs to Gabby.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yes, I saved a woman's life.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Yes, I ultimately win because I'm going to heaven.

[B]

So what happened? Tell the story.

[D]

Okay. So I was on this commune. I was living at a commune in Maine.

[C]

Why?

[D]

For fun. And I was in sort of a hold on.

[B]

Deadrick refuses to listen to anyone's stories.

[D]

What are you guys talking about?

[B]

As soon as the game is over, Deder grabs whoever's not stories next to them and just starts having a full conversation in their ear.

[C]

He plays by his own set of rules.

[A]

He's talking. I'm giving her room to talk so I can talk to my Boston friend. Okay, Ally, he's no longer racist. And you lied to me, you white bitch.

[D]

Do you. You said he's no longer racist.

[A]

No, you are, bitch. Cause you lied to me during Black History Month.

[D]

I'm so Sorry.

[A]

Crack ass.

[C]

Cracker.

[D]

Cedric.

[C]

Hey, it's the game.

[D]

It's.

[E]

Does he get an extra two points because it's February, right?

[A]

Three fifths, one point. Can I get you.

[B]

Gabby. Gabby, please continue.

[D]

Okay. I was living at a commune in Maine and. Cause I was going through a lesbian. Lesbian phase. Oh, God, thank you.

[E]

Yuck. Yuck. Oh, guys. Shocking. A rich girl went through a lesbian phase at a commune. Oh, I've never heard of that.

[D]

I'm sorry. You went through your lesbian phase in Boston? Okay.

[E]

Yeah, that's right. With real men.

[C]

I feel like a commune. I feel like a commune is all, like, smelly lesbian.

[D]

Yeah, it was mostly smelly lesbians. We were doing a puppet show. It's not important.

[E]

That's where you put your hand in there. But I like your pussy. I like your pussy, too. Ooh, you're smell.

[C]

You have perfect tits. You have perfect tits. You're a great kisser.

[E]

We should find the spirit. God.

[C]

Boys drool.

[A]

Girls rule.

[D]

And this girl, this crazy girl fell off of, like, a makeshift bunk bed in the barn. It was like the guy who ran the commune put ladders.

[E]

The guy. All the girls at the commune, there was.

[D]

There was one guy.

[C]

Fucking scheming pussy furs. She open up?

[D]

Yeah, but he was bald, so I didn't touch him. And.

[C]

No, she's right. She's right.

[A]

No, I did it.

[C]

Wait, you just proved your point.

[D]

I mean. I mean that. And he. She had a night terror. She rolled off of the bunk bed. She caught her arm on the ladder. You guys hate that. I saved a life.

[B]

Jesus Christ. There's a. A woman talking. We're losing all the guys in the audience.

[D]

I just walked five people.

[C]

Like, one less dyke, I thought.

[B]

One less dyke. Gabby.

[C]

Sorry, Gabby.

[E]

He just leaned into me and said, hairy pussy bitches hate bald men. It sounds like a fact.

[D]

No, I've la. I've lasered. I've lasered.

[C]

Should be in her snap.

[A]

I'm lasered.

[D]

When did we start fighting?

[A]

When you lied to me, bitch.

[D]

Everyone else has lied to you.

[A]

No, just him. And he's from Boston. And they lie.

[E]

That's right. We do lie.

[D]

I'm from New Jersey.

[C]

Gabby.

[D]

Sorry.

[C]

You hurt him. Gabby. Accountability.

[A]

Continue the story, but get to where she was bleeding out. That's what they're asking you about.

[C]

Look, this guy came back to give you a second chance.

[D]

Tedric.

[C]

Look at them. They're all coming back. This is like the end of Rudy. Oh, I thought he was with them.

[D]

Okay, she got. She caught her arm. On one of the ladders that was holding up the bed. And. And she fell off of the bunk bed. It ripped her arm from here to here. I found her bleeding out in the driveway. I made a tourniquet. I was blackout drunk with me and my friend. I made a tourniquet.

[E]

Out of your dirty pants.

[D]

Out of a dish towel? Out of a thong. And I got her in the car and we drove her a half an hour to the hospital. And then the next day she came back to the commune and I was like, oh my God, how are you? And she was like, good.

[C]

Why?

[D]

I saved your life, you bitch.

[C]

Where'd you go to school? That was a half hour from a hospital. Hospital?

[D]

What?

[B]

Shut the up, sir. You're not on the show, you piece of.

[D]

What'd you say?

[C]

I forgot.

[B]

All right, Alex, that's the whole story, guys. Let's reel it in a little. Alex, where. Where are points at?

[F]

All right, in last place with one point, Gabby Bryan.

[D]

When did I get a point?

[B]

Because you tricked. You tricked one person.

[E]

You tricked one person to entitle.

[D]

When. When did everyone get that?

[A]

Kanye's album is coming out and I. I wasn't going to listen to it, but now I will.

[D]

Cuz he hates Jews.

[A]

I.

[B]

Guys, guys, let her do the points.

[F]

In fourth place with two points, Dedrick Flynn. But tied for second place with four. Four points each, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez. And in the lead with six points, Robert Kelly.

[E]

Oh, I came in.

[C]

What's it, nine points.

[E]

Who's booing me?

[C]

Nine. What's you?

[E]

I hope you die on the way home tonight.

[C]

Nine more points and Bobby is the all time winner. Score, Bobby.

[E]

Fuck you wherever you're from, you redneck.

[B]

It's the most aggressive show we've done.

[C]

This show has gotten off the rails.

[E]

It's his fault.

[C]

And when the news covers this, it's gonna be Dedrick's fault. Bobby, I know why everybody's so hyped. It's because you get a chance to take home creatures. When a friend's young child goes missing, Winston the werewolf takes the case and stumbles upon a disturbing pattern of disappearances tied to a dark ancient force. The deep digs, the clearer it becomes. Someone is orchestrating a ritual. And if they succeed, the results could destroy the balance of the supernatural world. Come on, Alex.

[B]

Story number four.

[F]

Story number four.

[E]

This is one person.

[B]

Person.

[F]

I was rejected from a college because during my investigation they came across a rap parody of Lil Wayne's Money Weed where I had changed the lyrics to Lettuce, tomato, cheese.

[C]

Now, can I say something here? Let me break this down for a second here right away. Because it says it's a rap thing with Lil Wayne's money weed, where I change lyrics. Listen, I thought right away, Dedrick. And this is fucked up. I hate to say this out loud, but I think it's better to say it out loud because it means something I want to correct about myself that I don't like about myself. Please.

[D]

This is a disaster.

[C]

Because. No, because it says rap parody and because of his accent, I don't think he knows what parody means, but I want to change that about myself, Dedrick. And for that reason, I think it's him. Yeah, but I think he, against my best belief, did know what parody means.

[E]

Yeah, but, Jay, what about the word college?

[C]

Ooh, okay, hang on.

[D]

Don't let him talk to you like that.

[A]

I was a drug dealer.

[C]

Also. Also, lettuce is confusing me a little bit. I didn't see that.

[A]

Wait, wait, what? What's it? What's a college investigation?

[D]

Wait, no, no, no. This is. You didn't go to college. You didn't go to college.

[B]

Bobby went to college.

[E]

I went to college.

[B]

I also went to college. Jay didn't go to college.

[C]

I went to college for, like, two months.

[B]

Let me say this. I went to college for three months. Hold on. Lil Wayne's pussy money weed didn't come out when any of us were in college.

[D]

Right?

[B]

Dead or cold.

[E]

Are you 35?

[D]

It's obviously Dedrick.

[B]

It's Deadrick or Gabby. Here's the thing. I think Dedrick, even though he did sell drugs, as they all do, always hilarious.

[C]

Always hilarious.

[B]

Always working on a parody.

[D]

Look, that's.

[A]

You're talking crazy right now, doc. First of all, I don't believe you went to college fully. I think you just keep saying that.

[B]

I went to community college for a year, and I went to Baruch College. You know what's up, doggy? Hell yeah, bro. Rcc. You know what's up, baby boy? Rockland Community College.

[A]

Yeah, all four of those niggas look easily accepted into a community college, too, bro. Yeah, yeah, but I was in J.

[D]

That was cute, actually.

[A]

Rap parody?

[D]

No, they don't do art at community college. So you wouldn't have been doing a rap parody?

[B]

No, they came across a rap parody on the Internet. This is a younger person thing. I mean, this could be Gabby being fucking hilarious Investigation. It's either Gabby or Derek. That's a simple.

[D]

You guys would have felt when I was on YKWD you guys would have found that parody and ripped me a fucking new asshole.

[B]

Yeah, we would have.

[D]

So that you would have already found this.

[B]

Any excuse.

[D]

Ugh.

[A]

So you're saying they would have found it.

[C]

All right.

[B]

I'm just like. I think all the signs are pointing to Dedrick.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[C]

It is a little racist. And, Derek, if it isn't you, I apologize so much and just know that deep in my heart, I do know you know what parody means. It's just the. The outer. It's just that my instincts are bad.

[D]

Say who you say.

[B]

Derek. Derek. I. I de. I had one rule that I told you very clearly.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

The show started.

[C]

Oh, no. Oh, Louis is about to lose this.

[E]

What was. What was the rule?

[C]

This is. Lewis is one thing.

[B]

You can't write your own name on the board. Dedrick, I already told you that name.

[D]

This is not writing. This is not English.

[C]

In fairness, that doesn't say his name.

[E]

Yeah, it says Dead Denver.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

First of all, Lewis, don't raise your voice to me.

[B]

There was one. There was one rule. You didn't give me any rules. Gabby. Gabby.

[D]

No, I was there. Gabby, don't make him mad at me again.

[B]

No.

[E]

Did I not give you.

[B]

Did I not give you a whole Braveheart speech in the green room about Gabby?

[C]

You were such a. To Dedrick before.

[D]

Just reminding you.

[C]

And also, remember, walked in with your

[A]

corduroy jacket and a brown corduroy jacket. He said, you want to smoke weed. That's all you talk about.

[B]

I haven't smoked weed in months.

[A]

Who gives a fuck about the rules?

[B]

We do.

[C]

Smoked weed behind my back. You dirty dog.

[B]

Gabby confirmed that I gave this whole speech, and that was the one rule that I said.

[D]

Yes, but don't be mad at me.

[E]

Don't be afraid of him.

[A]

Why are you. Why can't you lie?

[D]

I'm not afraid of him. I don't want him to be mad at me.

[E]

Gabby hates black people.

[C]

Gabby hates black people. Gabby hates black. Are you going to stick up for me?

[A]

You're taking us out of this.

[E]

Diminish the clip.

[B]

Just listen. Especially Derek. Hold on. Let me. Derek, if you write. If you write your name, it ruins the game for everybody. We can't. We can't choose you. It's too late. You.

[A]

Oh, no. I won't read a book that you two niggas obviously can't read.

[E]

I want that book.

[C]

How dare you. I want that I can read at least most of everything in that book.

[D]

I also want the book I kind of want the book.

[A]

Let Louis read the back cover of what you're reading. I know this n. Can't read out loud. No, it doesn't matter. You have to read the description. Let Louis read the description out right now.

[C]

If you can read the back of this book out loud perfectly.

[D]

Please, please.

[C]

You can yell at any black person.

[A]

Stop pre reading.

[C]

You little fucking. Stop pre reading. You go it. 3, 2, 1. Read it out loud.

[B]

Private investigator Winston Jones is a werewolf. That's not public knowledge. But in a city teeming with the supernatural, it's not the weirdest thing going on. Winston takes on. See, I can read you dumb black.

[A]

You gave up. He gave up. No, he gave up.

[B]

He already read it.

[A]

They did

[C]

this.

[B]

Now just pay attention to the rules. This is why they rejected you from this college. You couldn't pay attention to the rules.

[A]

Great song. And I said, nigga too many times.

[B]

Alex. We all did.

[E]

Lewis did.

[B]

Alex.

[C]

We.

[B]

Whose story was it? Jesus Christ. Christ.

[F]

Story number four belongs to Gabby Bryant.

[C]

No way.

[F]

Dedrick Flynn.

[B]

Oh, weird that. That was nowhere near as much fun because we already knew, right? Yeah, that was. It took out the. The steam out of that story. But anyway. Derek, tell the story. Now.

[A]

I was a. I. I was getting into a bunch of colleges, but I thought it was fun to like just say I want a rejection letters. Because that was so funny because you have to pay for them. I have to do. Just submit and so something funny to call.

[C]

Like when you send your Stanford. Your college submission, they do an investigation on you.

[A]

Yeah, they did. They had to do investigation back when I was going to college. When you're going to college, they. You just walk them. You're like, I'm white.

[C]

Absolutely. Well, for Camden county community, sure.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah. We also paid for it.

[A]

Yeah. Because I had stone tablets and they're expensive. You had to read in Times New

[E]

Rumble when you went to college.

[C]

It is. It is more expensive.

[A]

You old ass dirt bag.

[D]

Everyone's kind of you.

[A]

25 a s gallon for gas ass.

[E]

One more.

[C]

I do remember under. I do remember under a dollar for gas was great. So good.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Man.

[C]

97 cents a gas.

[A]

Four Model T. You just went.

[E]

I used to fill my moped up.

[D]

Moped.

[A]

No, but they rejected me and they said I used. They said with. Even with my scores and everything I had because I had like full rides everywhere academically. And they said. They said I use the N word too much because I have posted it on my Facebook, which like Facebook was like brand new then you remember That I do.

[C]

I was 31.

[D]

My age.

[E]

I was 42.

[C]

The future is now, I said.

[A]

So they, they, they, they got. They got mad because they listened to the whole thing.

[E]

I had MySpace.

[A]

They counted. They said I use the N word 42 times in that entire song. And they said that's not Stanford material.

[C]

I look at somebody counted because they didn't even say like around 40 times ago. 42. We clocked it.

[D]

Yeah. We cap it at 30.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is up. Stanford.

[B]

Stanford, totally.

[C]

You only get 30n words. Say is a black guy, 15 is a white guy.

[B]

Hold on. Let me tell the guys in the front row to shut the up. Guys, shut the up. Stop yelling things out.

[C]

They're having a bros night.

[B]

This guy, this guy's feet are on the stage. He's pissing me the off. I'm.

[C]

I'm a little.

[B]

I'm getting a little grumpy right now, boys. Go back to ha.

[D]

Said everyone's mad at each other for some reason.

[B]

Alex, four stories down, where are our points at? This is wild.

[A]

All right, this is the best.

[F]

In last place with two points, Dedrick Flynn.

[D]

I'm not last place anymore.

[F]

In fourth place with three points, Gabby Bryan. Tied for second place with six points each, Louis J. Gomez and Big J Oker. And in the lead with eight points, Robert Kelly.

[B]

All right, we're at the halfway point of this insane show. Let's get some plugs done real quick. Robert Kelly, what are you plugging?

[E]

Just go to punchup Live. Robert Kelly. All my dates and my special live from the Village underground is up there for free. Go there.

[C]

Dedrick.

[B]

Dedrick Flynn on tour.

[A]

Yeah. Punch up live Dedrick Flynn. But also you catch me every Monday. I'll kill Tony. And on Netflix. Let's just get. I'm popping, bitch.

[B]

Gabby Bryan.

[D]

I'm at the Gramercy theater this Saturday and Sunday. Saturday sold out Sunday still available. Punch up live. Gabby. I'm touring everywhere.

[B]

Come see you Bobby. We couldn't sell at the Gramercy Theater. One show together. Together.

[E]

Cuz she doesn't say the nword 55 times.

[C]

A podcast Dedrick did. He almost got kicked out of college, right?

[E]

I was talking about him.

[C]

Oh, Big J. Big j comedy. Bigj. Comedy.com for all my days. Greatest Yapper Alive tour. Look for a city near you. I'm all over the place. And then we will right now on the screen, they posted the picture of me in place of Biggie Smalls in that iconic picture, but with. I said put a picture of me in that. But give me his eyes and lips. So the poster will be available pretty soon. I'm coming all over the place. Look for a city near you. And of course, listen to Bonfire with me and the Great Robert Kelly Five days a week, Faction Talk, SiriusXM103,

[B]

the

[C]

greatest thing happening on satellite radio. And then of course, legion of skanks right over here. Kiss Digital.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Oh, and you, my YouTube page, Big J Okerson, where I do live streams inconsistently.

[B]

Come see me live on the road. Come see me live on the road. Guys. Theo Kratom.com presents Rattle Me this tour coming to a city near you. Toronto at the end of March, Detroit after that, St. Catharines, Ontario, Fort Myers, Florida and more. But Story wars hitting the road live again as well. We got the national Comedy Festival coming up. We got Los Angeles. Netflix is a joke festival coming up. And we just announced Austin, Texas, back at the mothership. May 21st. Gonna be a goddamn blast. Huge shows being planned for that. So come out, go on the travel and see Story wars live at a city near you. Make sure you guys go to Gas Digital if you love this show. We do an uncensored and ad free version of the show that's available every Monday night before it goes to YouTube or anywhere else. You could watch it uncensored and ad free. Gasdigital.com use the promo code war and you guys will save a couple bucks. And it supports the show directly. And there's a bunch of episodes that are no longer available on YouTube. Some, some great. Maybe 20 or 30 episodes that you can't get any anywhere else. So go subscribe to Gas Digital and obviously check out all the other pods that I do. And you know what? I wrote a book, pre order my book, Knives and Spoons. Actually, when this comes out, I think the book's out. Get the book right now on Amazon. Knives and Spoons audiobook coming very soon.

[C]

Read it while you're taking a shit.

[B]

All right.

[D]

Does anyone in here have gum? Can I have a piece?

[C]

That have been less sweet if you asked for heroin.

[D]

Can I have one?

[E]

You should have made. You should have made the book. Your book. Lewis.

[B]

Anybody?

[D]

Oh, sorry.

[C]

Anybody here? Have a sweetheart.

[B]

We're halfway through the show. Been a chaotic show. You guys having fun tonight? It's been a very blast.

[C]

Very, very, very chaotic show. Very, very chaotic show. But a very, very fun show. And also besides the fun, I know first time players. Dedrick, Gabby, you guys might be feeling a little bit, bit like, am I out of this Game is it over? But it's not. Because what Bobby could tell you for sure is that for the second half of the show we go what?

[E]

Double points.

[B]

Cool.

[D]

That's cool.

[C]

Now it's obvious. It's pretty self explanatory.

[E]

I love the hatred of New York and Boston. It goes generations. I love it.

[C]

It's pretty basic and simple. As explained before. If you guess the correct person you got two points. That if you fooled somebody you got one point. Now that bumps up to double points. Two, two.

[B]

Go down.

[C]

It is anybody's game. New York final four stories. I'm with you.

[E]

When was the last time you're in the World series?

[C]

I'm with you, Bobby. You're right. Bobby is too cold here in this piece of Alex.

[A]

I agree.

[C]

Alexandra, reel it in.

[B]

What?

[C]

The final four stories. It's getting wild.

[A]

It's a.

[C]

It's Thunderdome in here.

[B]

Double points.

[A]

Yeah. Lose your mind. No, no, no.

[C]

Out of control.

[B]

I can do it.

[D]

There's a computer.

[E]

This guy was going to throw a.

[B]

They're going to freeze to death now.

[C]

Cuz here's what's going to happen. You would have. No, here's what happens. Inevitably you would have tried to throw beer on Lewis and you would have piss soaked me. It never works that way. It. He never gets the repercussions.

[B]

Probably that is what it is.

[C]

I bet you you have medium nipples that are mostly soft.

[B]

Alex, story number four. 55555. This show.

[C]

That's the rail.

[B]

We've jumped the shark. This is insane.

[C]

This is it. Show's over.

[B]

Alex Stern, number five.

[C]

Story number five.

[B]

Jay, please don't say story number five again.

[E]

Why do you keep saying story number five?

[B]

You.

[F]

Sorry, Bobby.

[C]

Bobby, you're a guest.

[E]

What a. I'm a story warrior. You're. You push that button when he. When I say it. Story number. Push the.

[F]

I'm sorry.

[A]

You fucking weasel. Push it. Hey, hit him with it one more time. Story number one.

[C]

Screech.

[E]

Push that button.

[C]

Dude, have we not called Josh Black Screech? That's crazy. It's laying right there. Dude. I'm losing it. I'm losing it. I'm losing the shit. I don't have it anymore. I don't have this stuff like I thought I did.

[B]

Alex, Story number five.

[F]

Story number five.

[C]

Five.

[A]

Five. Five. Five.

[F]

I was added to a big audition at the last minute. I was only used as B roll as one of the many awful failures who bombed on the show. I don't.

[A]

I don't understand.

[E]

I'm a great actor.

[C]

Just that wording sounds like Lewis or Bobby to me.

[E]

I don't bomb. Cocksucker.

[C]

I feel like I know the voice of this.

[D]

It was only used for beef role as one of the many

[B]

bu. Bobby's an actor.

[E]

I don't understand. As one of the many awful failures

[B]

who Bobby's rereading it as. When it's your story, they do this.

[E]

It's an audition, but it's a show. It's not.

[C]

It's like it says, yeah, bombed on a show.

[E]

So it's a show. It's not.

[C]

My immediate guess is as a last comic standing or Star Search, it's me and you, Bobby.

[B]

I didn't bomb unless got me standing. I did a. Okay. I did okay. I was top 100 comics in the country. Thank you very much.

[D]

I'm too young. I'm too young for that.

[B]

I mean, look, Bobby. Bobby was a regularly auditioning actor for a while. He's been in all the SVU's and all those shows is a lot.

[D]

Yeah, but Bobby wouldn't talk like this. This is someone who knows nothing about acting.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I was only used for B roll as one of the many awful failures who bombed us on the show.

[D]

That makes no sense.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I. I don't actually understand the story.

[E]

Yeah, it's a little weird.

[D]

I was added to a big audition last minute. Okay. Then you got the part. Then you were only used as B roll. Like they cut all of your lines.

[B]

As one of the many often awful failures who bombed on the show.

[C]

This seems like reality show, like in America's Got Talent or last comic standing thing to be bombed on the show. Sounds too bad.

[E]

People on here that could have done that.

[C]

3. No, really never bomb. Okay.

[B]

2.

[D]

That just bombed, by the way.

[C]

Yeah. Gab, you weren't around for last comic standing.

[A]

Cameron Diaz, calm your tongue.

[D]

That's a compliment.

[C]

Yeah, honestly, I did last comic standing.

[D]

That's a compliment.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

You did it.

[C]

I didn't bomb.

[E]

You weren't on it.

[C]

I be off of it. Because I, I, I did dirty jokes. There's no B roll.

[E]

There's no B roll of you?

[B]

No. Well, the other. No, there was B roll of you. I remember this very specifically. You. They had you kind of walking into the club and walking out of the club.

[D]

Oh, no.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And I remember I was. I looked up to you as a mentor at the time.

[C]

I remember I was bummed. They were. You were bombed as a. I didn't bomb at all.

[E]

Lewis, one time.

[B]

Nobody says one of many awful.

[C]

Hold on.

[B]

No, no, hold on. Actually, this is 100% Jay that you just gave your ass away. This is last comic.

[D]

Too much.

[B]

And as one of the many awful failures who bombed on the show. So I'm assuming when they were showing the people who failed, they cut to Jay at one point, even though he

[C]

didn't actually bomb on my life. They cut me out complete. They did a whole background piece on me. And because I did a set that was too dirty, they just removed me from the show. That's fact.

[E]

I got a phone.

[C]

That's fact.

[E]

I got a phone call from Lewis once. You have to remove the video of me sucking your dick off of YouTube. Yeah, because I remember I'm doing last

[B]

comic standing, and they said, it's not a real dick, you fucking asshole. Stop being gay.

[C]

What was it, though?

[B]

It was a dildo hanging out of his pants. Not gay at all.

[E]

Felt just as good.

[B]

It's not just as gay. It's gay. Not just as gay. By the way, I did. No, that is true. I did have them remove it, but that. That's not what happened.

[C]

Yeah, okay, never mind.

[B]

Then they televised one of my jokes, and that was it. There was nothing else.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you, sir.

[B]

Thank you. Slut in the back who sucks dildos.

[C]

Jesus Christ, Louis. She was on your side.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

Why do you know how to deal with people?

[B]

What's up, girl?

[C]

Dude, he's a monster.

[B]

You ever been to Jamaica?

[D]

I feel like the many awful failures is something Louis would say.

[E]

And. And it's all weird. He wrote it Driving in the City.

[D]

Dumb is what it is,

[E]

100%.

[C]

You think you got a dash.

[B]

You're giving somebody a lot of points right now. Somebody's cleaning the up, and it's Bobby or Jack.

[C]

Lewis is freaking out right now. He's losing it. He's going all skipping.

[D]

You're getting too squeaky. You're getting squirrels.

[B]

Hold on. I'm going to the audience because it's not me, you fools. Oh, it's Bobby talking so much.

[C]

You're going lit. You're wasting everyone's time.

[B]

I'm not Bobby.

[C]

Hold on.

[B]

Bobby looks very happy right now. Oh, Bobby's so happy right now. Bobby. Probably also the last time I said, James, here's the thing, Jay. I can tell is kind of telling the truth right now. And I kind of remember them removing them all together. I don't know your history with last comic standing. This is definitely a last comic standing story, and it wasn't me. It's either Big J or Bobby. Well, there's no reason for me to talk this much, Deadrick. You're all fucking losers. You didn't get any points. You fucking dumb assholes.

[A]

I have two reason.

[B]

Dumbasses. Stupid fucks.

[C]

Lewis is filibustering.

[D]

Why do you like him?

[A]

He's so mean.

[E]

Louis, wait, wait. Do not listen to me, son. I don't bomb.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

But that's not what the story says.

[C]

Why are you panicking? We all have the right answer.

[B]

Let me say this. That's not what the story says. It's a montage. It's a montage of the failures on the show that bombed. So they cut to the people who. No, no, de. You got to listen to the rules.

[C]

Maybe you listen to the rules.

[B]

Dead.

[A]

Hey, hey. Listen. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That was. That was clearly a bait to see if you were gonna stand up in yell.

[D]

So it's definitely specific.

[A]

Cause you've been yelling this whole time.

[E]

Yeah, that's Louis.

[B]

My answer is Bobby Kelly.

[C]

Now I'm.

[D]

Now I'm. Okay, you idiots.

[B]

Bobby just cleaned up. He maybe have already broke the fucking record.

[F]

Story number five belongs to.

[B]

Oh, no, no.

[F]

Big J Okerson.

[A]

I said it was Big J. I should get told.

[E]

First of all, I should have known when it was TV show. It wasn't Lewis.

[A]

You. I lied.

[E]

Oh, my lie. I forgot you.

[B]

It's exactly. It's exactly what I said.

[D]

You guys are liars.

[B]

It's the exact. It's exactly what I explained. Right?

[A]

No Dead ass. I told her before, I said, that's Big J. I. I called it. I said, Big J. And everybody said, no, I love that. I wrote Big J on my board.

[C]

Love that.

[B]

For me. Hold on, Jeff, right? Go ahead.

[C]

So.

[B]

Thank you, baby.

[C]

So I opened. I. It was one of the first one or two seasons of Last Comic Standing. I opened for Jay Moore at Caroline's. Just got to sign that gig. And he liked me enough, dude. He goes, dude, you're not doing last comic standing. He goes, you should go, I'm going to get you on. And he had like Barry Katz reach out to me to be like, hey, we're going to put you on.

[E]

Like, put you on.

[C]

Yeah, a day or two. But I went in there and it was the one. It was the. It was a thing where it was just. It's the comic strip and it was just Bob and Ross. I remember those names. They were the NBC dudes that were fucking two jerk offs.

[E]

I like those guys.

[C]

You don't though.

[D]

They're so vintage.

[C]

They're pieces of shit. And then what I realized very quickly,

[B]

you should be doing it like an old timey voice.

[C]

This story's so old now. He's last conversation.

[D]

Bob and Rich were running NFT at

[C]

the time on the TV box. This was network.

[D]

I showed up in my finest suit to do standup style comedy.

[C]

We're talking prime time network.

[B]

Big j ot on the boob tube.

[E]

Oh, God, what's he doing? Is he going to rob somebody?

[C]

So here it goes. Oh, here it starts. Here's the violence of what?

[A]

Your leather ass fake jacket.

[E]

I love that. He just kaiser so he's like, you're a jacket with a hat and a face.

[A]

What? There's nothing else about it.

[D]

We were doing a funny bit over

[B]

here with like, we're nailing it.

[C]

So this is wild. Okay. So they put me on. They said, you're coming on the stage. I went to the Comic strip and I went on and it was just the two guys in the. In the room. And I went up there and they were just like stone facing me. And I was young enough too that I was probably like eating, panicking, whatever. And they were just the two guys stone. And then I was like. They were like, all right, thank you. And I walked off stage and I was walking. I didn't give like a. It kind of said something shitty. I forget. But like, I just was like, all right, thank you, you guys. And I left because I knew at that point, I'm like, oh, they're trying to get me to flip out. They're trying to get me to be like B roll. And they were like. And they stopped me before I left. And these two, Bob and Ross from NBC stop me. They go, so wait, before you go, before you go. He goes, do people actually pay you for that garbage?

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

And I went, an NBC exec all my life. I went, yeah. I was like, thank you guys. And I. I thought a thousand thoughts through my head. I was just like, thank you guys. I go, you're not gonna have me on TV being like, I'm gonna be

[A]

the thing and when I get big

[C]

and famous, you're gonna see. I was like, nah, dude, I'm just walking out. And it didn't make the thing ultimately.

[B]

But wait, hold on. How was it says you were used as B roll?

[C]

No, they were trying to get me to be B roll. I also said last comic standing in the story when I wrote it.

[B]

Okay, but it says here I was only used for B roll as one of the many Awful failures who bombed on the show.

[C]

Yeah, they were trying to use me. That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Did they use you for B roll? It's cuz that story says you were your super.

[C]

So no.

[B]

So you lied in the story.

[D]

You're a liar.

[E]

Wait a minute.

[B]

In the story there's an an. Jay's points all have an asterisk on them.

[E]

They lied in the story. Is there a rule on that?

[B]

You can't. We have to. We have to have a deduct.

[D]

Deduct.

[B]

No, it's fine.

[E]

Screech, what's the rule?

[D]

Can I have a club soda? Screech, can I have a club so soda.

[B]

Stop. That's right. That's right, Screech, Give him two more drinks. You.

[D]

Screech, would you mind?

[C]

This isn't a lie, by the way. All they did when they brought me up there, right away they were like, we're just going to.

[B]

But it said I was only used for B roll as one of the many awful failures who bummed on the show. You were or you were not used for be.

[C]

That's what I was used for. They didn't get it because I didn't flip out.

[D]

Oh, like they used and abused him? Not like the TV show.

[E]

I was.

[C]

They never had intention of watching me do a thing.

[B]

I'm not the one. I'm asking were you used for B roll or not?

[C]

Well, I didn't give him B roll. No.

[B]

So why does it say I was used for B roll?

[C]

Cuz that's what they were trying to use me for.

[B]

That doesn't. They tried to use me.

[C]

It says I was only used for.

[E]

He smokes pot. Give him a break.

[B]

Fine.

[D]

Alex.

[C]

You know what? Hey, it's fine. Alex, take off two points.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, do it. Take it off.

[C]

You roll. Two points off.

[F]

For the record, G M G Mike and I think this is above board.

[C]

What a terrible loser.

[B]

That's what they said about on NBC's Last Comic San.

[C]

Well, you'll never know because they never aired the B roll.

[F]

Boo.

[D]

Wow. What a terrible loser.

[C]

Lies.

[B]

All right, Alex, we're on point Z.

[F]

In last place with two points, Dedrick Flynn. In fourth place with three points, Gabby Bryan.

[D]

Why'd he get more claps? He's losing.

[F]

In third place with six points, Luis J. Gomez. In second place with eight points, Robert Kelly.

[E]

I mean, there's an asterisk next to that.

[F]

And in the lead with 14 points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

Wow,

[D]

that's cool.

[B]

Actually, if you guys haven't Been here. These episodes haven't aired yet, but Jay right now is on a 2, 2 story war win streak. This would be his third story wars in a row if he wins this one.

[A]

Yeah, if you can lie.

[B]

I mean, look, there was a B roll.

[A]

I just kept playing you bombing over and over again in my head.

[E]

And that's what we're actually playing. A game that two potheads made up in a living room.

[C]

I think he's on the phone one time.

[E]

This is not the Olympics. Let's move on.

[C]

Hey, story warriors, let's take a second and thank one of our amazing sponsors. And that is Cheers Health. Drinking, of course, hits you harder as you age. I know I'm aging and it hits me like a. But Cheers Health is here to help you with their Restore After Alcohol aid. It uses a special compound called DHM to reduce inflammation, support your your brain, and help protect your liver after consuming alcohol. You just take three capsules after your last drink or before bed, and you're gonna wake up feeling like you had only one drink when you really had two.

[B]

I was using this when I was on vacation this past week, and it made me feel great. I woke up every morning, 6am feeling like, you know, fresh as a daisy, as they say. And let me make this also very clear. This is not for binge drinking. If you're gonna take 10 shots, you're gonna still hurt in the morning. But if you have a few drinks, you're gonna feel significantly better with Cheers. So right now, what you gotta do is check them out, man. Way better feeling in the morning with Cheers. And for a limited time only, Story wars fans are getting 20 off your entire order by using the code Wars W A r [e-mail], that's C-H-E-E-R-Health.com and use that promo code wars with a Z for 20 off. All right, story warriors, got to talk about one of our brand new sponsors, which is Harry's Razors. Harry's is great. You've heard about Harry's for a very long time. You get them in all the retail stores now, and there's genuinely some of the best razors on the planet. But really, the point of Harry's is they're nowhere near as expensive as these, you know, huge brands that are out there that just charge an arm and a leg. You only need one good razor. So you got to check out Harry's. All new Harry's plus Razor.

[C]

This is a big dog now. This is a big dog.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

This is the revolution.

[B]

It delivers a barbershop quality shave with German engineered blade technology. It's Harry's heaviest metal razor ever.

[C]

And for a limited time Story wars fans can get Harry's plus trial set for only 10 bucks at Harry's.com wars you couldn't get three disposables for that price.

[B]

And by the way, the set includes all new Harry's plus razor, our one refined five blade cartridge, a two ounce foaming shave gel and a travel cover to protect the blades on the go. This is all I use now. I shave my head with Harry's. It looks absolutely great afterwards. My face, everything.

[C]

Just shine your head with Harry's balls.

[B]

Come on dude. Harry balls.

[C]

Harry balls.

[B]

Go to harry's.com wars w a r Z and you're going to claim that offer. Pretty incredible. Once again, that's Harry's.comwarrz.

[C]

real quick story warriors, let's talk about one of our amazing new sponsors over here at Story wars and that is Tushy. Have I come around to bidet life? Lewis, you know that I was apprehensive for a long time but it really does make you feel like a king when you are on the throne. It's a luxury bidet built to improve your bathroom habits and butt health. It's easy to install on your existing toilet and even easier to use. Tushy's going to make you feel cleaner and use up to 80% less toilet paper which is big. Dude, I use so much.

[B]

It's kind of hard when you when you go from a bidet to non bidet life you don't feel clean. I feel like I have to shower after I take a poop now but not with tushy. And we got to talk about the tushy wave which has front and rear nozzles and a built in air dryer. So once you're done bidet in your boot hole you dry.

[C]

And then when my dick shifts.

[B]

99 of people who wash with the tissue wave feel cleaner and fresher after going to the bathroom. Who's this 1% who's like I feel dirtier. That's crazy.

[C]

I hate this now. Do I always like to have a little bit of turd in my fucking bung hole? Insulation dominate any room I'm in.

[B]

Insulation takes only about 10 minutes and every tushy bidet comes with a 30 day hassle free return and a 12 month warranty. So there's genuinely no risk. Number two is a tushy thing. So go take care of number one, for a limited time story, war fans get 10 off their first bidet order with code wars at checkout. That is Warz. You know that. W A R Z Arz for 10 off your first bidet [e-mail]. hello, Tushy. T-U-S-H-Y.com promo code wars for 10. All right, where were we? Alex, story number six.

[F]

Story number six. A famous friend asked me to feed the homeless. I agreed, very excited. I started handing out mashed potatoes. Ten minutes in, I was asked to hand out over my spoon to a more famous person. They wanted potatoes. They put me in the hall to hand out waters.

[D]

It's not me.

[E]

Gabby, Gabby, Gabby. This is your trying to help the homeless. Your dad's. Your dad's famous friends. This is 100% you. And I would have. Anybody else would have been like, go yourself. You'd be like, okay, okay, here's water, guys.

[D]

The fact that you think this is me means you think I'm a good person.

[C]

No,

[D]

not on Mike.

[B]

So a famous friend asked me to feed the homeless. I just know Bobby and Jay and me. None of us are doing that.

[C]

Oh, see, I thought this was Bob. My. My guess is Bobby.

[D]

My guess is Bobby.

[C]

Why.

[B]

Why do we say Bobby?

[D]

Cuz he has a lot of famous friends.

[C]

Yeah, he's got a lot of famous friends.

[B]

Oh, he is a climber. You're right.

[E]

You're my friend.

[D]

And he does.

[B]

You had a lot of famous friends.

[C]

He's like me and Louie were handing out turkeys. Louie got robbed.

[A]

Yeah, he's.

[D]

He likes to feel like a good person Every.

[E]

Every holiday. I'm home. You know that.

[C]

I'm home.

[E]

I don't around with this horseshit. This is a. Gabby dad doesn't say it's a holiday. Well, it's got to be your.

[D]

Wait a minute.

[E]

Your feet.

[C]

You and Dennis Leary feeding bums on Thanksgiving.

[B]

Hammered.

[E]

Think about this.

[C]

And by the way, look at.

[B]

Look at the double points on her.

[C]

I was gonna say, I saw how hyped she got that she's just drunk off double.

[B]

This is the most chaotic story wars we've ever done.

[D]

Really?

[B]

By leaps and bounds. It's nuts. I love that there's an energy in here, guys.

[C]

I love it. But I'm gonna say this out loud so we have it on record. This can't persist. This show will survive.

[B]

This is a fun. This is a fun one off. But guys, let's bring the energy down next week. This is crazy.

[E]

It's either her it's either her or him.

[B]

The way it's written is making me think it could be Dedrick

[E]

because he hangs out with.

[C]

Could be Tony making him do Goodwill. Could be Tony making him do Thanksgiving.

[D]

There's too many commas.

[C]

And then Ron White walked up and he took Dedrick's spoon, his potato spoon.

[D]

I went, it's an evil laugh. It's a sinister evil laugh. It's an evil laugh. So he would never volunteer with that laugh.

[A]

If I'm feeding the homeless, it's on probation.

[D]

I agreed. Very excited. I wouldn't say that. I would say I. I was so excited.

[B]

No, I don't think it's Gabby. The. The famous friend is a weird thing. Gabby is amongst the famous. She's not. She doesn't consider them friends. She's sequels with them. It's Bobby, but they put me in the hall to hand out Waters. There's a punch on the end. It's written like an old timey Boston comic. These two are gonna fight right now.

[D]

Hand out Waters.

[E]

You know, discussing it.

[D]

What happened?

[E]

He's trying to distract me.

[D]

I think it's.

[B]

I'm going with Bobby Kelly.

[D]

Let me just look at you too. Nope. Okay.

[E]

Jay. Dude, it's either her or him, and I think it's him.

[D]

It's Bobby.

[C]

Would you vote Bobby?

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in up.

[F]

Story number six belongs to Up Robert Kelly.

[E]

They did good. Everybody did good. Everybody did real good.

[D]

I Boston.

[E]

I.

[D]

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

[E]

I was in LA for Thanksgiving one year, and Dane was like, yo, man. Every year I go to the last cook. He goes, dan cook. Well, they know that. He goes. Every year I go to Laugh Factory and I feed the homeless, if you want to go. I was like, dude, I've always wanted to do that. So he took me down.

[B]

I was gonna say dane cook. Spatchcocking a turkey, all animated.

[E]

They took.

[B]

Cut out the spine.

[E]

They took me down, and they had like, turkey. He goes. But he said. He goes, but I get turkey. I get white meat turkey. I was like, I don't even know what that means, but whatever. So we get down there.

[C]

That means he's serving the white homeless.

[E]

So nobody told me. Nobody told me what to do. So I just went over to potatoes or whatever the it was. And I'm sitting there, I'm like, hey, how you doing? Happy Thanksgiving. And I got a tap on my shoulders, shoulder. And the guy goes, excuse me, Arsenio wants stuffing. And I went, what? And he was sitting there. He was like this

[C]

nice.

[E]

And they made me get off stuffing, and they just put me in a hallway with bottles of water, and nobody wanted water. I just sat there for an hour, pissed off. And then the photo came in. The. The news came in. It took photos of everybody, and then they left. Everybody but he left after they took the photos. And I could go back and do

[C]

Back to you on potatoes?

[E]

No, I told him to go himself, and I walked.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Arsenio Hall.

[D]

I don't know who that is.

[B]

I think. I think most of these people don't know that. Arsenal hall did that.

[E]

Dabby just went, I don't know who that is.

[B]

Alex, where are points?

[F]

At six stories down, in last place, with two points, Dedrick Flynn. In fourth place with seven points, Gabby Bryan. Tied for second place with 10 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Robert Kelly. And in the lead with 18 points, Big Jay Okerson.

[C]

You know, three in a row is a dynasty.

[E]

How many. How many more stories left? Two. Great.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Alex. Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. One time I had to puke on an airplane. I went to cover my mouth to block it, and then all the puke came out of my nose. Later I found. Found out that I had also my pants a little.

[B]

If this is Gabby just trying to make everyone, every one of us, unattracted to her,

[C]

it's not working. I'm super into puking Big J, his pants.

[E]

He'd throw himself out the plane window.

[C]

These are all things that would be

[A]

like, hey, guys, I can't read. Can you let her say it?

[E]

One time I had to puke on an airplane. I went to cover my mouth to block it, and then all the puke came out of my nose. Later I found out I had also my pants a little.

[C]

It sounds like Bobby to me. The right. But I don't think it's Bobby again.

[D]

Don't old men always sort of their pants?

[C]

I don't know. I don't know.

[D]

You don't know?

[C]

You know I haven't shit with my pants. Look at you.

[D]

Look at you.

[C]

You know nothing about me. I haven't shit my pants.

[B]

I would have heard about Big J puking and himself on a plane. Me and Big J podcast too often together. This would be a story. There's no way he's hiding like the

[A]

poster child for, like, ibs, for, like, hot women.

[D]

That's so true. I am Jewish.

[C]

Once again, they're like, you shouldn't do hot ones. This is what it does to you.

[B]

You know, Gabby's not even Even if this was Gabby, Gabby would never tell this story. She ruins all of her hotness on Story Wars. That's ridiculous, right? It's not happening. This sounds like a Bobby story, but I'm just gonna go Deadrick, because I. I'm just banking on not having two Bobby stories in a row, because we've had this before. Bobby had three stories in one episode once. He's already had two. If they did that again, I'll be furious. How many stories did you send in, Bobby?

[E]

I sent in the amount I'm supposed to.

[B]

Three to five.

[D]

Wait, you could get the same one in a person?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Back to back, for sure.

[E]

Three to five.

[C]

Up to three to five times,

[B]

it could be Bobby again. This sounds exactly like a Bobby Kelly.

[C]

It does. But I wonder if Gabby knows him well enough. His work, working with Bobby for years.

[D]

I know all of you. I've known all you since I'm 22. I met him.

[C]

No, but I mean, Bobby. You worked with Bobby, like, closely.

[B]

You were 22 when we met. Yeah, when you gave me your panties for Christmas, you were 22 years old.

[D]

That's not what happened.

[B]

That's what happened.

[D]

That is not what happened. No.

[C]

Is that not what happened? He's always told me that's what happened.

[D]

That's not what happened.

[C]

When he let me borrow him. That was a story he told. He goes, dude, take these and just know she gave them to me for Christmas. I go, oh, it's gonna make me come.

[D]

Somebody you baby birded them to her, like. No, I. I haggled them for the projector that I still use to this day.

[B]

Oh, I still use the panties to this day,

[E]

actually.

[D]

I couldn't regret that more. I want you to know, on my deathbed, I'm gonna think about how much

[E]

I regret that we passed them around on holidays.

[D]

I'm calling my dad.

[E]

Not to me to match my son. Dad, Max uses it.

[B]

This is Deadrick or Bobby.

[C]

Tell your dad I never saw them.

[B]

Deadrick.

[D]

I'll bring you.

[B]

Derek, have you ever your pants on a plane?

[C]

No, he wouldn't say that. Dude, this guy's trying to crush.

[A]

That's not. That's not. That's not what the thing said. I said later. I had to find out to my pants a little.

[B]

Yeah, that's your pants. He's defending the story.

[A]

If I shit my pants, brother, it's a lot.

[D]

It's all the way.

[A]

We eat Popeyes when I. We eat low country boy. If I my pants to corn chicken, it's just Getting ready.

[D]

Corn. Chicken.

[C]

Corn.

[A]

Chicken is. You don't know nothing about. You don't eat food.

[B]

I'm not so true.

[A]

Your little kosher ass up, dude.

[D]

I'm so, so true.

[B]

She just heard. I'm skinny. Yeah.

[D]

I'm like. That was a compliment.

[C]

Bobby. Who Write down somebody. Who?

[E]

I don't know yet. I wrote something down, but I didn't put it up. So I don't know if I'm going to pick it.

[C]

I can't play the game you're playing.

[E]

I. I have to know what you eat before I order.

[B]

He's.

[C]

You just want to have a little bit of mine. Get a little taste of mine instead of getting your own.

[B]

Big J votes. Bobby Kelly.

[C]

Well, hang on.

[B]

Didn't take his hand away.

[C]

I'm holding it. What's Bobby doing over there?

[B]

I. I'm. Here's the. I'm not voting what Big J votes for because there's no way for me to catch up.

[A]

He definitely shits his pants. He shits his pants up.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I know this shits his pants.

[C]

I think Louis, you know my two my pants stories.

[A]

He got no ass with no ass. Their pants.

[C]

I do have no ass.

[D]

Wait, that's funny. That's. That's really funny.

[C]

Not wrong.

[B]

They don't have cheeks to hold it in.

[C]

You're right.

[A]

It would be big ass J. Augerson

[D]

who eats like Big J. Oh, Lewis.

[A]

I don't. I just want to write Lewis coming

[B]

out of his mouth is crazy and his pants is crazy. Jay's changing his story right now. Damn it. You. Jay. I can't.

[E]

I can't change the story.

[B]

I can't do the same vote as Jay. Jay, I have to play the game. I think. I also think it's Deadrick, but I need to take a chance here. Oh, is it Big J.

[C]

No.

[D]

Kiss, kiss, kiss.

[C]

You would know if it was me. I think you would know this me more than I. I was going to say sure. Like I. I think you for sure know this isn't me. I don't for sure know it isn't you.

[B]

I do have. I have lived such a debaucherous airplane life that I could.

[C]

This could have just the cracks. I might just forgot this one of your several flight problems.

[B]

God damn it. Me.

[C]

Alex. Everybody's in.

[F]

Story number seven belongs to Gabby. Brian,

[B]

Gabby is not attracted to anybody on this panel.

[E]

Gabby's a pig. Gabby's a pig.

[C]

Gabby's a pig.

[A]

Damn.

[E]

Gabby's a pig.

[D]

Yeah. I have ibs and I have it back.

[C]

Gabby slay.

[B]

Gabby's so hot that it still didn't ruin it for. I was like, all right. Really? Oh, tell me.

[D]

Oh, that's sweet.

[B]

That's so cute.

[D]

She's sick.

[C]

You can shoot on my chest like a Japanese guy.

[E]

And if we. If she. You know, it was on a private jet, so it didn't matter.

[D]

It's not on a private jet. It was on a small one, though.

[C]

Delta. One, though. Delta.

[B]

So, Gabby, tell us this story and tell it slowly with hot music on.

[D]

I was hungover as hell on a flight, and I was puking in every trash can throughout the airport. And I got on the plane. Plane, and I had to puke, and I went like this. And then the puke shot out of my nose. And then I went, did someone just say, lies? I'll kill you? Then I. Hell, I went like this. And then I puked out of my mouth. And then later, I found out that I just a little.

[B]

A little bit. That's not that bad. That's. That's.

[C]

You know what?

[B]

You're. You're really.

[D]

I was in Europe.

[B]

Oh.

[E]

You know that. That was the key. She said a little bit. It.

[C]

That's like.

[E]

But she full her pants.

[D]

No. Because I found out later, you know.

[E]

Yeah, you full.

[D]

I

[B]

has a hilarious laugh in.

[C]

In Europe, it was only like. In Europe, it was only like. Like a millimeter of.

[A]

Wait. Do it one more time.

[B]

I'm Gabby Ryan.

[A]

I was in Europe. I was in Europe taking my br.

[E]

Off.

[B]

What? That's you.

[D]

He was doing a rich person voice.

[A]

You are rich.

[E]

She's not rich.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Alex, where. Where are points at?

[E]

Can I ask you a question before please. How many more points do I need to.

[B]

You have to get 14. So we're gonna find out where you're at with points.

[C]

15. 15.

[F]

In last place, with two points, Dedrick Flynn.

[B]

Alex, what's the lowest score in story wars history?

[F]

1.2 points.

[B]

2 points tied right now for the lowest score in Story wars history.

[A]

Oh, no, I won't read the book. Oh, no. No, I'm not.

[C]

Creatures by Boo Derick. I'll lend you the book.

[D]

Can you say by Bub?

[A]

It's a story about the money and glowing eyes and.

[C]

Screech. Get more drinks. Oh, seriously, De book means everything to me.

[A]

That's what you read? You said the story about the glowing ass and then Boo, Boo, Boo.

[C]

No, that's not what I said.

[A]

You got to look it up with your old ass.

[C]

What I said to you was, put your glasses back. That Creatures is a novel.

[A]

Stop calling me that.

[B]

Stay focus, Jay.

[C]

Let her the perfect time. Go ahead.

[F]

Tied for third place with 10 points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Bobby Kelly.

[E]

You won.

[F]

In second place with 15 points, Gabby Bryant.

[D]

Let's fucking go.

[F]

And in the lead with 18 points, Big J Okerson.

[C]

Tight.

[B]

So you know, Bobby. So you know, all four of us are still in it. Dedrick is just. He can play giant killer right now. That's it.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

But we're still in it. Cause you can get eight points if it's your story.

[C]

Laugh if you want, Dedrick, but you're not gonna hear Winston being forced to navigate a treacherous underworld of supernatural politics, crime lords, and creatures far older and deadlier than he'd like to tangle with. Winston knows that stopping this threat might take more than just skill and determination. It might mean embracing the very monster he's fought to keep at bay. Oh,

[A]

hey, if y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

If y' all don't. If y' all don't want to read that book, you can just watch Lord of the Rings. It's better.

[D]

It's the same storyline.

[A]

Creatures.

[B]

He's got a lot.

[A]

So, you know, it's dangerous.

[D]

Look at the book.

[B]

We have one more story.

[A]

It's a dangerous book.

[B]

Well, it's very funny. Dedrick also asked me. He was like, wait a minute. You guys do double or nothing? I was like, dedrick, we've said double points.

[A]

No 15 fucking times. I want to go for it.

[C]

All right?

[A]

I wanna go for it all. All or nothing.

[D]

I wanna read this.

[A]

Let's change the rules.

[B]

Gabby, by the way, you're very close, right? You could take this away from Jay.

[D]

I want this fucking book.

[B]

Look, I love Jay, and we're story wars. I want him to win three times in a row. But this would be an amazing come from behind victory.

[C]

Yeah, you were down. Yeah.

[D]

Come from behind.

[B]

And I love saying come from behind when I think about Gabby, so I

[D]

beat you to it.

[A]

Oh, ain't nothing back there, Alex. She built like this. No, this.

[B]

Alex. We have one more story. Final story. You guys ready for your final story?

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Come on, folks. What a fun show. What a nutty show. Alex, story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. I got rejected from working at a restaurant because the manager recognized me from my photo from being banned from the Walmart that his brother worked at.

[B]

Dedrick, it's your story.

[C]

Than I. Dedrick, why isn't this you?

[A]

I don't work.

[C]

All right, I'll take that. Who's been banned from a Bobby May have been banned from a Walmart.

[A]

Big J Okerson, Does Bobby have a brother?

[C]

There was no Walmarts where I grew up, brother.

[A]

Where'd you grow up?

[C]

West Philly. There was no Walmart.

[D]

It's the manager's brother. It's not his brother.

[B]

Oh, his brother worked at. Oh, yeah, great point.

[D]

But Bobby. Bobby.

[E]

I think you guys think every story is mine. Shit my pants. I fucking.

[C]

I also think every story is mine.

[B]

Boston.

[A]

I. My pants. My brother.

[D]

Bobby, when did you go to juvie?

[E]

At 13.

[C]

Yeah, how long's Walmart been kicking?

[D]

Right?

[E]

Not that long.

[A]

We had.

[E]

We had.

[B]

What was the one we had?

[C]

Woolworth.

[E]

No, we had Caldor.

[C]

Oh, God, Bradley.

[D]

That sounds like Lord of the Rings.

[C]

I'm old Bobby shoplifted at a Bradley's.

[D]

It's not Bobby. It's not Bobby.

[E]

You remember Mrs. B. I love Mrs.

[A]

B. I am too Southern for this podcast. I have no idea what you guys are talking about. All right, well, is Walmart in this stupid white.

[B]

That's a great point.

[A]

Shut the up, complete your beard, and then you can talk during the show. Yeah, my shit I fully downloaded with your little ass face.

[B]

You.

[A]

No, we're friends. We're friends. That's how we talk up here.

[B]

No more men from Rockland County. Apparently the front row. That's a terrible.

[C]

Who is. His hometown is full of ruffians.

[B]

They really are.

[D]

He said complete your beer. I've never heard that.

[B]

All right, listen to me. Is there Dedrick. Is there a Walmart in the South?

[E]

Duh.

[D]

Right, cuz. Yeah, right.

[A]

And I guess it's me.

[B]

No, he got defensive.

[C]

Well, he certainly is going to write his name and get chewed out again.

[A]

I would be like, what? What do you mean?

[B]

I can't. That's a good character.

[D]

You should write that down. Okay, I like that.

[A]

I like you my name.

[B]

So, Gabby, if he. If he goes Deadrick, the only way for you to win is to not go Deadrick. Just so you know.

[D]

What? Wait.

[B]

What if he writes Deadrick the. Unless this is your story, the only way for you to win is for you to do somebody. But besides Dedrick. Well, because if he's wrong, you get it right, you win.

[D]

What if I think it's Dedrick, too?

[C]

You lose, you're gonna lose no matter

[B]

if you write Deadrick. You lose no matter what.

[D]

Yeah, but I'm still logged within history that I had high points.

[E]

Such a white girl way of looking at it.

[C]

Yeah. What a class winner. I still think the history books.

[D]

No.

[B]

Yeah, I Can't win. So I'd rather. I'd rather be right because I can't win.

[C]

Bobby. How many points does Bobby have?

[B]

10.

[C]

So he couldn't possibly in any possible way.

[B]

No, he could.

[C]

He could win story.

[B]

If it's his story and nobody votes for him.

[C]

I didn't vote for him. You didn't vote for him?

[B]

Gabby, you're the only president. You. If I were, just for the sake of it, I would vote for somebody else because there's a chance of some somebody else. This guy loves Gary. He's in love, dude. Look at him.

[D]

Oh, they're all foaming.

[C]

The only person I'm think. The only thing I think it be besides me is Bobby.

[B]

This.

[A]

This nigga's gripping onto an empty Heineken bottle for safety.

[D]

Complete that. Complete that. Now I think it's Dedrick, though.

[B]

You put Dedrick, but you can't win if you put De. J is the winner if you put Deadrick down. Unless it's one of your stories that nobody voted for.

[D]

I can't look at him.

[A]

You're not the boss of her ass piss.

[D]

Yeah,

[B]

Gabby's not getting banned at Walmart. Like I could be banned at a Walmart. Bobby could. Not Big J. Derick for sure. Not Gabby.

[C]

Bobby maybe. Though, if I were you, it was a weird thing. I feel like the dealer who's telling you how to play blackjack. I would say Bobby. There's a chance it could be Bobby.

[D]

No, cuz he was out of juvie by the before he would even.

[B]

Gabby, do you have a picture from the Walmart when?

[D]

What? Yeah, but if I'm wrong, then I

[E]

still have a 98% chance at you.

[C]

But it doesn't mean anything. High points.

[D]

Can you guys shut the up and let me vote for who I want to vote for?

[C]

This is why I don't do your channel Classic. All right, Gabby's got a fake. You ca the tub. I'll redo it later.

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in the most chaotic story wars in the history of the show. Whose story was story number eight?

[F]

Story number eight belongs to Dedrick Flynn.

[E]

Am I the highest?

[D]

I still come in second.

[A]

I'm second.

[B]

Dedrick, tell the story. Dedrick, tell the story. What happened here?

[A]

No, I was trying to work. We had an all you can eat buffet called Ryan's and it was a bullshit ass restaurant, but me and my friends used to go to Walmart and then take like the mini ramps they had and then ride like tiny bicycles up there and BMX off of there. And then on the way out, the old ass nigga that came to stop us, I mushed that nigga onto the ground.

[B]

Sounds about right.

[A]

And then when the police came, they said, no, you're.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You're banned from this Walmart. And I was like, I thought I was gonna get arrested for assault. Okay, deal. And then we. We stole seven four Locos.

[B]

You sold.

[C]

You sold OG og OG Four Locos.

[A]

Original OG with the caffeine, you said?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What y' all know about those? Ripped.

[B]

You sold seven. You sold seven four locos. You sold 28 locos.

[D]

That was a master.

[A]

Oh, the Spanish. But I don't understand Locos no more.

[B]

It was a good joke.

[D]

No, that. That was a good joke.

[B]

Thanks, Gabby.

[D]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[B]

So sign that, Derek one more time for Derek Flynn's story. And I think we know who won. I think we know who won. But, Alex, make it official with our final points.

[F]

All right. In last place with two points, Dedrick

[B]

Flynn, the lowest score in Story wars history.

[F]

Dedrick is tied with Monroe Martin for the lowest score in Story wars history.

[B]

There's a fear.

[D]

Why are they both black?

[B]

There's a fee theme here.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

We're going to fight. Who's the person I lost?

[B]

Monroe Martin.

[A]

We're fighting. On, God.

[E]

You don't want to do that.

[B]

Hell yeah. I love it. Monroe's seven feet tall. He's from a. A group home in Philly.

[A]

Oh, no.

[E]

But he. Wait, he's black, too.

[A]

Oh, no. I grew up with black people. I'm not scared of them. I'm like, you're the Boston ass.

[E]

Yeah, Bob, I'm terrified of you.

[A]

That's black people. People statues behind the stadium.

[C]

You don't know nothing about black people, Bobby.

[F]

Alex tied for third place with 14 points each. Lewis J. Gomez and Robert Kelly.

[B]

Love you.

[E]

You didn't make it.

[F]

While Bobby.

[D]

I'm sorry, Bobby.

[F]

While Bobby did not beat Tim Butterley's score of the highest guest in history, he is now tied for for it with Tim Butterly.

[E]

I'm tied.

[B]

Lots of records. Lots of records today.

[E]

I love Tim. I'm tied for it. I love Kim.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Alex Galaxy. You guys animals. Calm down.

[E]

These guys are dressed like a improv troupe. Hey, Joey, we're all wearing black tonight. Head to toe. We got front row. And the one gay guy is going to wear gray. I couldn't get him into it. Sorry.

[C]

Get him, Bobby. I was going to insult you, but you're right. He is the prettiest from behind. He has a ponytail. You don't know he has me?

[E]

And you both want a man bun

[B]

A Alex.

[F]

Second place, scored 19 points. And your winner tonight with 22 points

[D]

for a third time in a row, Jay Okerson.

[E]

Big J.

[C]

Big J.

[B]

Big J. Thank you guys so much for coming out to Star Wars. Did you guys have fun? We're here every Wednesday night at the New York Comedy Club in Midtown.

[C]

A big round of applause for our entire panel. The great Robert Kelly, Dedrick Flynn,

[A]

Gabby Bryan.

[C]

Thank you guys so much for hanging out on Story Awards. I'm Big J. Okerson.

[B]

I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Until next time. Peace.