086. Dave Attell, Jamie Lissow, Ian Lara | Entertainment

Summary

Story Warz Ep. 086 — Summary

Podcast: Story Warz (LIVE from The Stand Comedy Club, NYC)
Host(s): Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Dave Attell, Jamie Lissow, Ian Lara
Date: March 27, 2026
Theme: Entertainment

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Episode Overview

This raucous episode of Story Warz puts comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez head-to-head with comedic heavyweights Dave Attell, Jamie Lissow, and Ian Lara in a battleground of absurd anecdotes and outright deception. Broadcasting from a sold-out crowd in New York City, the group battles to outwit, out-lie, and out-laugh each other over tales from the world of "Entertainment"—all in hopes of winning a pre-release copy of Luis’s memoir, Knives and Spoons.

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Game Mechanics

• Each panelist submits several personal stories (true or false) relating to the theme of "Entertainment".
• One by one, stories are read anonymously.
• Panelists guess who the story belongs to, while the real storyteller tries to deceive the others.
• Points are awarded for successful deception and correct guesses.
• Double points are in play for the final four stories.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

Introductions & Banter (03:01–05:15)

• Host Luis welcomes first-time guest Ian Lara, and playfully addresses racial tension ("Louis, they say you don't like black people..." — Ian Lara, 02:18).
• Jamie Lissow and Dave Attell are introduced with recurring jabs about industry reputation and personal quirks.

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The Stories, Deceptions & Reveals

Story 1:

Fifth Grade Acapella Song Performance

• Panel theorizes about the likelihood of each having performed a cappella as a child.
• Hilarious racial and musical stereotypes are thrown around (“Who said no white person says acapella?” — Luis, 07:54).
• Reveal: Ian Lara authored the story. He describes the “embarrassing” assembly, intended to include dancers but sabotaged by lack of music (15:16–16:36).

Story 2:

Director Hit Me With a Taxidermied Cat; Contracted Cat Scratch Fever

• The panel debates if "cat scratch fever" is real or just a Ted Nugent song.
• Suspicions fly between Jamie and Dave.
• Reveal: Jamie Lissow confesses, describing a chaotic Schneider-set with dead cats as props and real hospital results (22:02–23:25).

Story 3:

Kicked Out of Casino, Returned in Disguise, Kicked Out Again

• Jamie’s history as a problem gambler is joked about.
• Jamie is outed, narrating drunken antics, “I yelled the F-word three times—they have a rule!” (33:17–34:22).

Story 4:

Two Nights Doing Drugs at Hotel with Magicians As Entertainment

• Assumptions abound about which “degenerate” comic this fits.
• A lively debate about drug eras, hotel budgets, and magician pricing.
• Reveal: Luis J. Gomez. His ecstasy-fueled, magician-assisted marathon ended with his mother discovering his journaled exploits (42:43–44:08).

Story 5:

Blurted Incoherent Words to a Celebrity on Set; Fled Scene

• Consensus that it sounds like a Big Jay moment.
• Jay reveals an awkward, real-life encounter with Jennifer Lopez on the set of "Hustlers," where he fumbled his planned quip (53:48–54:55).

Story 6:

Played a Corpse on a TV Show

• Dave Attell is suspected and eventually admits it—a little-known early TV gig, “Shoot the Band,” where he was hauled around as a band member's cadaver (64:48–65:08).

Story 7:

Circumcised in High School; Gave TED Talk to Classmates, Six Others Followed

• Panel debates circumcision norms by religion and ethnicity, playing to stereotypes for laughs.
• Reveal: Ian Lara. Whimsical account of influencing his basketball teammates’ personal decisions (71:18–72:42).

Story 8:

Was in a Movie with an Alpaca (“which is like a llama”)

• “Alpaca” is accused of being a “very white word.”
• Reveal: Dave Attell. On Amy Schumer’s movie set with a reluctant animal co-star, Attell found himself cut from the movie while the alpaca stayed (80:46–81:42).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Luis J. Gomez: “It’s the most fun you’re ever going to have watching a live podcast, but we are not playing for fun.” (04:52)
• On Ian’s assembly rap:
  "They can't dance, there's no music playing, so they was just like..." — Ian Lara, 15:56
• Jamie Lissow (Cat Scratch Fever):
  "And because it was low budget, we didn’t have a special guy that would throw the cats. Rob did it." (22:05)
• Luis on old drugs:
  "We got Bin Ladens. That was the name of the pills. They had little bombs on them because they were the bomb." (43:12)
• Dave Attell Deadpan:
  “No, I’m doing it right now and it’s a trick question.” (on playing a corpse, 61:46)
• Big Jay on losing:
  “I stopped playing. Just so you know. Like, in my mind, I'm not even playing.” (73:10)
• Luis, repeatedly: “Pre-order Knives and Spoons now on Amazon. Get me on the New York Times bestseller list.” (07:04, recurring)

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Scoreboard (Key Updates)

• After Round 1: Ian Lara leads with 4 points (clean sweep).
• Midway: Ian builds a strong lead (up to 8 points), Jamie surges in stories 2–3.
• At Halftime (46:09): Ian leads with 16, Luis only 2 behind at 14.
• Final Story: Ian Lara and Luis J. Gomez tie going into the last round, but Ian clinches the win with 22 points.

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Memorable Crowd & Side Moments

• Audience member (“Miss from Yorkshire”) steals the show in the final rounds with enthusiastic participation, winning an advance copy of the memoir.
• Panel riffs on the mechanics of circumcision and cultural taboos (“Corpse is a white role on a TV show.” — Luis, 63:37).
• Running jokes about Luis's tragic family, Big Jay’s defeatism, and Jamie’s Rob Schneider connections throughout.
• Frequent callbacks to recurring humiliations and playful ethnic stereotyping (in the typical tone of Story Warz).

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:15] — Introduction of comics and playful jabs
• [07:38] — Story 1: Fifth grade acapella performance
• [17:40] — Story 2: Taxidermied cat/ER visit
• [27:58] — Story 3: Casino ban, disguise, ejection
• [37:21] — Story 4: Drug-fueled hotel party with magicians
• [50:18] — Story 5: Starstruck meltdown on set with celeb
• [61:16] — Story 6: Playing a corpse on TV
• [67:05] — Story 7: High school circumcision
• [74:56] — Story 8: Movie with an alpaca
• [83:00] — Results: Ian Lara declared winner

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Final Standings

1. Ian Lara — 22 points (winner)
2. Luis J. Gomez — 18 points
3. Dave Attell — 16 points
4. Jamie Lissow — 11 points
5. Big Jay Okerson — 6 points

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Tone & Style

The episode is wildly irreverent and fast-paced. The comics lean into playful insults, ethnic and generational stereotypes, and deeply personal (and sometimes bizarre) stories—all in good-natured competition. This energy is boisterous, self-deprecating, and wholly in the vein of NYC standup camaraderie.

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Closing

• Ian Lara is crowned Story Warrior; much to the delight (and mock consternation) of the group.
• Luis pitches his book, but playwrighting must wait as Ian walks away with the coveted pre-release.
• Dave Attell, Jamie Lissow, and Ian Lara each plug upcoming specials, podcasts, and tours.
• Episode closes with riotous applause and promises of more deceptive storytelling battles to come.

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For fans of stand-up, game shows, or just comic mischief, this episode of Story Warz is a masterclass in quick wit, friendly competition, and the celebration of storytelling’s most ridiculous edges.

Transcript

[A]

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[C]

you never miss a moment. Fill her up.

[A]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network.

[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars with the story warriors, big j okerson and lewis. Jake oman.

[A]

What's up, what's up, what's up? Make some. Make some fucking noise. Near New York City. Would you welcome the Story wars,

[C]

another sold out show here at the New York Comedy Club. Every Wednesday night at the New York Comedy Club. Get those tickets in advance because we've been selling out every week for four months straight now. So thank you guys very much for being a part of it.

[A]

Don't be a part of history. We always ask this of all of our crowds. How many people here are familiar with the game Story wars.

[C]

And how many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars?

[A]

You stupid son of a. Dude, you admitted that.

[C]

What a dumbass.

[A]

It's a very, very simple game that we will explain to you as soon as we get our amazing, amazing guests up here. Our first contestant, first time on the show. He's got a podcast called Adulthood, a new special called Material Boy streaming right now. Make some noise for the hilarious Ian Lara, everybody. Ian Lara.

[C]

Ian making his Story wars debut. How excited are you, my friend?

[D]

I am very excited. Thank you for having me. Louis, they say you don't like black people. That is not true.

[C]

Well, no, that is actually true. And I brought you here to dominate you.

[A]

He deals with blacks for the sake of sport.

[C]

Yeah, it's like how they would do Mandingo fighting.

[A]

It's goddamn disgusting if you ask me.

[C]

Your next competitor making his Story wars debut. You know him from Gutfeld and also from the Better off dad tour. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Jamie L.

[A]

Jamie.

[C]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Here, my man. First time on the show. You excited?

[E]

I'm so excited. I only got on here because everybody else they asked had Verizon.

[A]

It's true, only 70 of the crowd gets it, but they get it good. I'm an AT T man. I'm an old AT T man. Myself.

[C]

What a shitty day it's been.

[E]

What a show.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Why?

[A]

Because you can't use your phone. Grow up. Our final contestant, last but not least, he has a special called Hot Cross Buns, available on Netflix. His record is.02, but he's undefeated in our hearts. How about it for the great Dave Attel? Oh, Dave, we played your theme song, as requested. That was so aggressive and long.

[B]

Turn the lights up in here.

[A]

You can get a little brighter if you need to.

[B]

See

[A]

if it is your first time here at Story wars or your first time listening at home, it is a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Lewis Entertainment. Alex, our lovely producer. What the fuck are you doing at a spot

[C]

she kills herself?

[A]

What the fuck are you doing? Alex, our lovely producer will read those stories off one at a time. Eight of them in fact. And if it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to pretend it's not your story and make people think it's not yours. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[C]

Every time I guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it is your story, you have an opportunity to get four points. It's a very big deal. If we choose your story, and I'll tell you right now, listen to me, it is so much fun. This game is the most fun you're ever going to have watching a live podcast, but we are not playing for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today.

[A]

Every week here on Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home.

[F]

Ooh.

[A]

Knives and Spoons by Lewis J. Go Gomez with Johnny Russo. Knives and Spoons is a raw, darkly funny and deeply honest memoir chronicling the turbulent childhood of comedian and entrepreneur Louis J. Goz. Beginning with the devastating loss of his father and ending with the equally tragic death of his mother. No way. That's equally tragic. Died in a bed. This book. That's crazy. To equate those two things, this book offers an unflinching look at a life that has been shaped by heartbreak, chaos, and a little resilience.

[B]

Give it up.

[C]

And I do.

[A]

Available for pre order.

[C]

Yeah, it's available for pre order. They sent me 10 copies. I've given one to Jay. One is going away for story wars. Today I'm giving one away to somebody in the crowd. Tonight we're going to figure out who. Whoever laughs the hardest and is the best is going home with a copy of Knives and Spoons before anybody else in the world can get it.

[A]

Take pictures and upload it before it comes out.

[B]

Can I ask a question? Why is it called Knives and Spoons? Are you a chef or something?

[C]

No. It's because my father was stabbed to death and my mother was a heroin addict.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

it's a great title.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

Undeniably good title. I don't know how good the book is, but that title rips.

[B]

Really?

[C]

That's all that matters, baby. Pre order it right now on Amazon. Get me on the New York Times bestseller list.

[A]

I think everybody gets it. It's gonna get it. Is this crud ready for war?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Come on, come on.

[A]

Is this crowd ready for war? Put a bomb on this kid. Alexandra. Without any further ado, please. Story number one.

[F]

Story number one. In fifth grade, I wrote a song and performed at acapella at a school assembly with absolutely no context or reason. I just came out and started performing.

[A]

Yeah, that does sound black. It does. Who said no white person says acapella. I don't remember what grade I was in when I did anything I go in in elementary school, I would have

[C]

said, here's the other thing. Jay is a very musical man. He loves to sing.

[A]

Never wrote a song in my life. Well, in the shower I have.

[C]

Well. Well, here's the thing. You're supposed to be saying that. We can't really believe you. It's a game of deceptive storytelling. I can't imagine Davitel singing a song.

[A]

Acapella.

[C]

No Doo wop.

[A]

David tell was that.

[B]

No, I kind of lost.

[C]

We're all terrified of Dave, so we won't tell him to use his mic. We're like, you can do whatever you want, Dave.

[B]

Is this how we're jumping around here? I mean, am I supposed to say something? You can say whatever you want. Okay, I know there's, like, a thing to hear.

[A]

So

[B]

back to your book. I mean, I'm still thinking about it. Acapella High school. Those are definitely the tells in the story, correct?

[A]

Yeah, this could be Lewis for sure.

[B]

Who uses that word? That was a really good acapella.

[A]

Black people or musical theater? Hispanics.

[C]

I was in musical theater. But to be fair, this is the fifth grade. This is not the ninth grade. I didn't get into musical theater until way later on in my Life in the fifth grade. In the fifth grade, I was like drawing fucking pentagrams on my arm.

[A]

Listen, I went to a pretty black school in West Philadelphia. I'm familiar with acapella performance.

[B]

Really?

[A]

You had to walk around. You had to walk around it with your head down to get to your glasses.

[D]

If it was black, I would have said I rapped the song. I wouldn't have say I would sworn the song. No, dude, if black kids don't go to assemblies.

[A]

No, little Ann.

[E]

Little Ann was like, jodeci, this cannot be me. My school could afford instruments.

[A]

Oh, we got a rich kid on our hands, everybody. We're knives and spoons folks over here.

[C]

Yeah, school assembly. I mean, fifth grade, that's a ballsy thing as well. You have to have some balls. You have to have some confidence. And I'm telling you right now, Big J, huge dick. Big J loves. Big J loves to sing. He's a confident. I'm telling you, right, Jay? In the fifth grade, were you going to a black school?

[A]

Yeah. Dude, the way you're throwing this to me makes me think it's you. Why would you say this is me?

[C]

Are you listening to the way I speak? Do you really think I can sing a cappella? No. By the way, I just sang that.

[A]

There's nothing.

[C]

That's how I sound. Singing.

[A]

I don't think you could do comedy. You've been doing it for 20 plus years. Your life has been proving us all wrong.

[E]

That's right.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

I said write a book, I go. Have fun at that, you nitwit.

[B]

Here's a book.

[A]

Wow, we have a comedy festival. These are all I ideas he said. I was like, yeah, so I don't. Yeah, you'd go wrote the song. Gotta get it out there. Hey, I know this is a drinking and driving assembly, but bring me up. Hey, band, try to keep up, huh? 5, 6, 7, 8.

[C]

Are you musical at all, Ian?

[D]

Not at all.

[C]

Not at all.

[A]

Lies.

[D]

I can make beats on the table, but that don't count.

[C]

Not me.

[A]

As long as you thought you.

[D]

Louis, I think it was you. You was probably sad about your dad and

[A]

lonely.

[C]

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

[A]

Why did my dad have the mouth off outside that strip club? Mommy sleepy mommy.

[C]

Why was his lower intestine so stabbable? He bled out in the street, no one saved him. Now we don't have a dad no more. That's a great song, Dave. Are you musical at all? Any musical background at all? What?

[A]

Are you grooming me? Yeah.

[B]

I am very musical, but I was a doo wop man, not.

[A]

Dave plays the drums.

[B]

Yes, I used to.

[C]

I played the drums.

[B]

It always quiets a room.

[A]

Well, it's a great one to say. You play. Cause no one ever goes, dude, I have a kid.

[B]

Show everyone.

[A]

Hey, you got 25 minutes. I'll set a kid up.

[C]

Jamie, did you grow up catholic?

[E]

I. I did grow up catholic.

[C]

You got catholic energy. A lot of these catholic kids, they joined the choirs. Yeah, maybe that was catholic energy. Well, he's got catholic energy. I was right, right?

[E]

Yeah. Not really. I play. I was really good. I play the triangle. I. I wrote that. I wrote that song. Come and get it.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Off. Dinner's ready. I don't know if you guys heard that.

[C]

I think Jamie's being very quiet and coy right now. Can you sing at all, James?

[B]

Me?

[E]

A little bit. I sing a little bit. Mostly shower, though. Yeah, like big J.

[A]

You ever write a song in the shower? I did.

[E]

No. I do a lot of covers.

[A]

Oh, I do covers, too. I have one hit that I will sometimes reach my arm out and let the water come off my fingertips. And I wrote a song about the man who gives water from his hands. It's sort of almost like gospel.

[C]

Y I'm gonna get the voting going, whatever it is. Jamie's acting a little awkward right now.

[A]

Took it off me. You were coming to meet Lewis. I think this is you.

[C]

You could look waste your jj. I don't want you to start in a deficit, so don't waste your points if you don't.

[A]

You don't give a about what happens to me in this game. Dude, shut up.

[C]

I do root for you. I really do. I feel bad every time I win. Jay doesn't. I feel bad a little bit.

[A]

Shut up.

[C]

My vote is for Jamie lyso. And also, gentlemen, once you put it in the dry race, once you put it in the slot and remove your hand, you can't change your answer after that.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Wow, wow. Fools. Somebody just clean the fuck up. You fucking idiots.

[A]

I like that. Dave knows your name isn't spelled classically at Lewis, but he just took a shot either way.

[C]

He just threw every vowel in the middle and said, I guess that's it.

[A]

Lay e, I, o, u and sometimes wyus.

[C]

I want to be on the wrong

[B]

side of history there, you know?

[A]

All right, this is either Lewis or somebody just cleaned up.

[C]

Oh, if it's Jay. Oh, it's Jay. I'm seeing his dumb face.

[A]

It's not me.

[C]

Oh, your Stupid. Pretty eyes. You make me sick with your little dick and pretty eyes.

[A]

Not me, Alex. You make me happy with your little dick.

[C]

Alex.

[A]

What?

[F]

Story number one belongs to Ian Lara.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I said it.

[A]

I said it immediately.

[C]

I said, you cannot trust black people. We shouldn't bring them on the show. They're great at lying. They're great at deception.

[A]

I said remediately acapel. We had it all right there and then. Only because you started going at me so hard. Like, I wrote an acoustic song and performed it. There's no way I would do that.

[E]

I also thought it was me.

[C]

Ian, what happened here? What song? What was the song about?

[D]

Yeah, I won the first one.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, I'm sorry. We'll get demonetized. Why are you here? Just having to hear it.

[A]

Oh, I can't say, but someone else does.

[D]

I just keep going.

[B]

Awesome. Good one, Ian.

[D]

Do you know how hard it was? I had to make all my stories. I had to use, like, white words, like.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Like context. I don't say context.

[A]

You mean context is a white word?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

That was weird.

[A]

Where'd you grow up?

[C]

Well, he originally wrote in the fifth grade.

[D]

They added the th.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, he had to add the th. So. So what. What happened here? You were at the school assembly. What was the song about? How was it received?

[D]

It was crazy. It was crazy.

[B]

I. We.

[D]

We was having an assembly, and I had the idea that I would write a rap song. And I was. And I had these two girls that was supposed to be my backup dancers, and they was. They. We dressed up in the same. We was all wearing, like, red top, black pants. But then I had a beat. But then when we come out, they was like, we can't play the beat. So just go out there and just. No introduction, nothing. I just walked out and I was like. And they was like, they can't dance. There's no music playing. So they was just like.

[A]

Like you.

[D]

When I said the N word, they was just like, yeah.

[C]

And you killed. No.

[D]

It was one of the most embarrassing things.

[B]

I sure was.

[D]

I wanted to transfer schools. People was like, what the fuck was that?

[A]

I was like, why would.

[D]

Like, what was you thinking?

[C]

Question. Do you rem. Remember any of the rap?

[A]

No.

[D]

No, I forget the rap.

[A]

But you got a tattoo on your forearm.

[B]

What year was this?

[D]

Probably, like, 20. 22,000. 2001.

[B]

Oh, my God. You're still in high school.

[C]

I graduated in 2000.

[B]

Fifth grade.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

My old. Holy.

[C]

What were you.

[B]

What were you rapping about back then? Pagers or something.

[A]

How'd you get fifth grade girls to wear booty shorts and halter tops?

[C]

Jay's asking for a friend.

[A]

Yeah, no, I'm asking everybo. I'm asking everybody.

[C]

All right, Alex, where are our points at? One story down. Fun round.

[D]

I cleaned up on that, right?

[C]

You did. Oh, yeah.

[B]

You really did, buddy.

[F]

After round one, in first place with four points, Ian Lara.

[B]

Good one.

[A]

Clean house.

[B]

Cleaned house right out of their big eight. Killing it.

[A]

Killing it.

[C]

Alex. Story number two.

[F]

Story number two. While filming, a director hit me with a taxidermied cat multiple times. I ended up in the ER and was diagnosed with cat scratch fever.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

This also sounds like a black story. I don't know what cat scratch fever is.

[A]

It's a Ted Nugent song. I didn't know it was a real thing.

[C]

I had no idea.

[E]

I don't think it's a real thing.

[D]

I think that's you, Jamie.

[B]

Who has a SAG card here?

[C]

Yeah, filming. I'm out, obviously.

[D]

I think it's jb.

[C]

This could be.

[B]

Can you read the question one more time?

[D]

I didn't even.

[E]

I don't think that's a real. Thanks. Cat scratch fever.

[A]

I don't either.

[C]

If this was another podcast, we could use the Internet to look it up, but we're not allowed to do that now.

[A]

This could be Ian hitting us with a white word like taxes.

[B]

Dermis, Right? Yes.

[A]

And diagnosed an ER and cat.

[C]

It's a lot.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

It's like cat scratch fever. Code for pussy or something.

[A]

It could be possible. You'll get some cat. Let me see. Let me say, like this. Got some cat scratch fever. Yeah, I guess it could be.

[C]

I mean, all of you guys have filmed things.

[A]

You film things kind of, but they never come out.

[C]

There's not really a director, but it

[A]

can't be on a cutting room floor if it wasn't filmed. Could you.

[D]

Could you really see a director, like, hitting me in the face with a taxidermied cat?

[C]

It doesn't say face. Ian, where'd you get that detail from?

[E]

Oh, damn.

[B]

Whoa. Nice one.

[D]

This is your story.

[E]

I don't know.

[D]

I bet all.

[E]

I don't even understand this.

[C]

Jamie feels. Jamie's just nervous right now because he. As. As per the Gutfeld rules, he's not supposed to sit this close to a brown person.

[A]

He asked us five times, and this was being filled. Filmed. Are they filming this? We got our yearly. We got our yearly round meetups this week. I. I can't think of how. This is not Lewis?

[C]

No, not at all.

[A]

Jamie, I couldn't think of. I think I would know. If Dave was beat with a cat, we'd all would have known about this.

[C]

Yeah, but this is like. Dave has been in the business a very long time. Like back in the day. They would like hit people, directors would do crazy to get the best work out of you.

[B]

Plus I'm a child actor.

[C]

Her.

[B]

Right. I'll be good.

[A]

You know why they loved you? Because you kept your mouth shut.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Dave, what's the first thing you ever filmed?

[B]

What?

[C]

What? What was the first thing you ever filmed?

[B]

Well, I didn't know this is about me, but I. Dave, take me back. It probably was like a, like a local re. Like a local TV station kind of like, you know, and here's some stand up, you know, that kind of a thing, like, like a news.

[C]

What year do we think this is?

[B]

Probably in the 80s, something like that. Yeah, when young. I don't think you were even born then, right?

[D]

No, I wasn't.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

And they cured cat scratch fever before 2000.

[C]

So yeah, this is an old timey. If it's a real disease. We haven't heard of cat scratch fever. This is like sailor disease.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do we have a 4 4th pirate guest here giving stories?

[C]

I gotta say, Dave Attell is my guess on this one.

[A]

Really? I'm going, I'm saying Jamie, baby.

[C]

Jamie Lisso. Jamie votes for Dave.

[B]

I'm undecided.

[C]

Dave just put James. Dave will not respect our names.

[B]

What did I say?

[A]

I don't know if it's me or Jamie.

[C]

You call him James. Alyssa. James.

[E]

I get James. Yeah, on my license.

[C]

But Alex, all of our answers are in.

[A]

I'm sorry,

[F]

story number two belongs to Jamie Lisso.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, take that. Ian. You.

[C]

You.

[B]

Ian.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Come on, man.

[C]

Jamie, what happened? First of all, what the fuck is cat scratch fever?

[E]

Yeah, so I didn't know was. What happened was I was filming this low budget TV show with Rob Schneider and there was a scene where a cat attacks me, right? So they hired a wrangler that brings like a trained cat. And the guy was like, okay, well I'm gonna make this hand motion. The cat's gonna jump at you. You do this. Then the cat will go this way and the guy makes the hand motion and the cat just doesn't do anything. It doesn't respond in any way. It was as if the guy wasn't a wrangler and the cat was not trained at all. And I swear to God, Schneider gets his look in his eye. And he goes, I got a guy. And he calls a guy and he goes, do you still have those dead cats? And a guy brought dead cats to set that were taxidermied. And because it was low budget, we didn't have a special guy that would throw the cats. Rob did it. He was the director, Schneider, and he would throw the cats. And he threw cats at my face, by the way. Didn't make it in the fucking show.

[B]

Yes, the worst.

[E]

And I swollen up. Like, I had a big ball on my face. And I went to urgent care, and they said, I'm sorry, sir, you have cat scratch fever.

[B]

That's how they tell you 10 Nugent comes out.

[E]

And it's a real thing, and you take antibiotics, and it's actually okay, Dr.

[B]

Fauci, we get it. Look who's now reading the data over here. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

[C]

Oh, great story, Alex. Two stories down. Where are we at?

[F]

All right. In last place, with zero points, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

I've seen. Hold your. I've seen this.

[E]

This.

[B]

How many times have I been on the show? I've seen this, like, seven times already. He always starts out as the lame, and then he just crushes it.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

And now he's got that book he's

[A]

in, Kids with Alex, it's okay.

[B]

How much can you want to win your own book? I mean, that really is kind of like.

[C]

Because I really need my copy of

[B]

Douchebaggery, if you ask me. Oh, I can't wait. How does it end? Oh, I know. I wrote it. What a dick.

[A]

Lewis is gonna win his own play. Yay. That shouldn't even be a possibility. Oh, my God.

[B]

Ah.

[E]

Alex.

[F]

In fourth place with one point, Jamie Lisso.

[C]

You fooled me.

[E]

Feels good.

[F]

Tied for second place with two points each, Big J Okerson and Dave Attel.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[F]

And in the lead with six points, Ian Lara.

[B]

Ian. Ian.

[C]

Ian. So far, shooting a perfect game. Very good. All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Ultra Pouches for supporting the show. Ultra Pouches are designed for mental clarity and enhanced focus. They're nicotine free, caffeine free, and packed with powerful nootropics and vitamins. They give you the same kick as a nicotine pouch without any of the terrible side effects. Jay, you know how much I love these. I'm not bullshitting. This is what I. In Mexico, the whole week, this is all I had. And it gave me my oral fix, which is great. They have different flavors they have a citrus one, they have a mint one, but it's. I never use any of the nicotine pouches, but I love the, the feeling that Alpha GPC gives me, which this has Alpha GPC in it and I just pop it right in my lip. It gives me a little bit of a, like, like a frozen lip feeling. I'm not gonna say what it reminds me of, but it does bring me back to my partying days.

[A]

Yeah, you love these. You sucked my dick so I would give you the ones they sent me. That's how addicted he is to these things.

[C]

Oh, is that why my lip is tingling?

[A]

Yes, dude. That's why you got froze lip. It takes you back to your old days of what you used to do with wieners. Listen, not just Louis, but 90% of the users of Ultra saw improvements in their overall focus levels. And I'm telling you, I have so much brain fog, I need this. So I'm excited, excited to give these a shot. Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. And new customers can use our code wars to get 15% off at take ultra.com. that's take ultra u l t r a dot com for 15 off with code wars with a Z W A R Z.

[C]

All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Ridge for supporting the show. Obviously you've heard of the Ridge Wallet, which is the greatest wallet on earth, but you're never going to lose your wallet again with the Ridge Tracker card. It looks just like a regular card, but functions like an airtag. It's slim, discreet, and the best way to keep an eye on your wallet. Even if you don't have a Ridge wallet, you can get the the Ridge Tracker, which is absolutely the coolest thing I've ever had.

[A]

Well, especially when you fall asleep with hookers like you do so often, Louis, you know what I mean? They're bound to steal your wallet at some point. Then you get tracker down and you can bring down the whole evil criminal empire.

[C]

You know the problem is, once you've tracked it down, how do you even approach it?

[A]

Yeah, dude, you go in there like a one man army dude. Fucking RIP Chuck Norris. They have you covered on all kinds of travel essentials. They have power banks, key cases, luggage. All their stuff is tough and good for travel and really holds up no matter what you get. They also have free shipping, a 99 day risk free trial, and a lifetime warranty on every one of their products. And right now they're having their once a year anniversary sale. You can get up to 40% [e-mail] by using the code wars with a Z at checkout. Just head over to ridge.com, check out their huge sale and use that code wars and you're gonna get that up to 40% off.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

All right, let's get back into it.

[C]

Alex, story number three.

[F]

Story number three. I once got kicked out of a casino. I put on a disguise, went back and played for another hour before getting kicked out again.

[A]

Lewis. I found out through stories recently not even on the show. Has been a master of disguise for years. You have put on disguises to get out of situations multiple times.

[C]

I have. I used. When I used to go trick or treating, I would bring three masks and I would just change masks and go to the back of the line.

[E]

Amazing.

[C]

And just hit the house three times.

[A]

You were gonna be kicked out of an airport and you went in a bathroom and changed clothes and put on a hat.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Me and Kim Congdon, we switched jackets so we could escape. We could thwart security at the airport.

[A]

So maybe it's not me.

[C]

I think security at the airport is like the military. I don't even know what it is. It's not me though.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

But it should be known. It's not me. I think that this is a Davitel story.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

David tell been playing. He's been touring forever.

[B]

Plus I have hidden from show business for about 30 years.

[C]

So I. You perform at a lot of casinos.

[A]

I'm sure you know I've done.

[C]

David tell you something.

[A]

Casinos with you. You're not a gambler. I don't know. I've never seen you go.

[B]

I'm always in the smoking area, the nickel slots.

[A]

But I've never seen where it's like. And getting kicked out of it. It's. It's not Dave.

[B]

Yeah. It's not Dave style.

[E]

I think it might be Ian. Jamie, because it just doesn't seem like it's you like that acapella.

[D]

Jamie, this is you.

[C]

You okay.

[A]

This is 100 you. Yeah, it could be Jamie.

[D]

It's Jamie again.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

By the way, we have not had a two in a row in a long time.

[A]

I feel like.

[C]

And that does happen. You get two stories in a row once in a while. Jamie, you big gambler. What's your game?

[E]

I do love gambling.

[C]

What's your game?

[E]

I play the. I. I like to play poker.

[C]

That's a real gambler.

[A]

And that's something. That's a Game where you get kicked out and have to sneak back in.

[B]

Right?

[D]

Yeah. You put on sunglasses.

[A]

Yeah. Because some guy wearing a ninja costume and a cowboy hat who's known only as the Blade.

[C]

Yeah. This could be Jamie.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Ian's a young. Ian's a young buck. He's not young. Young kids aren't doing this like an old man's. Do you drink a lot, Jamie?

[E]

I. I used to drink a lot. I'm no longer allowed to if you're.

[C]

Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot.

[A]

Your car ignition.

[C]

There's a lot coming to fruition here. So somebody that would drink a lot and love fruition.

[A]

White work word. White word.

[C]

Yeah. Jamie, I mean, this is sort of your story to prove that it's not yours. Why? Is this not you?

[E]

Yeah, this. I do like to gamble. I've. I've never disguised before.

[C]

Have you been kicked out of a casino?

[A]

I've been.

[E]

I've been kicked out of a lot of places.

[C]

That's crazy.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Jamie, you could lie about all of these details.

[A]

Yeah, but he's not Dave.

[D]

You. You think it's me?

[B]

Yes. I do, too.

[E]

I do, too.

[B]

Can I tell you why?

[E]

100% do too.

[B]

Got kicked out of a casino, put on disguise, came back, got kicked out again.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

It wasn't about.

[B]

That's racism. That's racism right there.

[A]

It wasn't about the clothes at all.

[B]

Yeah, that's a. That's a. That's. That is a deleted scene from Sinners right there.

[A]

Hey, boy.

[B]

What are you doing back here?

[A]

Here?

[B]

I know you're not a beekeeper,

[A]

by the way.

[B]

It's racism.

[A]

They kicked him out twice and they didn't. They didn't know it was him both times, so they counted as two against their quota.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

What world do you guys live in where black people can disguise? Like, I like. Like, I'mma just sit down. They going to be like, yeah, you not the dude that was here earlier. This is Jamie.

[C]

1, 100%.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

I'm getting J. I'm getting. I'm getting Jamie vibes. Big J. This is not Big J. Big J gets kicked out of a place, he's mortified. He's never even thinking about this place again.

[A]

I'm certainly not putting on a fucking disguise. Hey, I'm a different fat guy with red hair.

[D]

His nice little.

[A]

Oh, was that guy here earlier? That guy really makes me look like a jerk off a lot.

[C]

My vote is. Jamie. Listen. So two stories in a row.

[A]

It happens, Lewis. Yeah. I think. Lewis.

[C]

Good. Jay, I'm actually. You know what? I'm no longer rooting for you. Enjoy your loss. Aw, thanks.

[A]

Knives and spoons, Lewis.

[B]

O. Wow.

[C]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[F]

Story number three belongs to Jamie. Lissa.

[B]

What? Ian, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I need to do the work.

[D]

I'll be knowing. I'll be knowing.

[E]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Ian's playing a perfect. Great.

[B]

Oh, my God. Can. Can I buy him a Hennessy, please? I want to make up to him. I just want to make it up to him. Oh, my God, I feel terrible. Lewis, with a U.

[C]

Jamie, how. I'm assuming this was a drunken night.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

So I don't. I don't drink anymore because of nights like this. I think I was with Theo Vaughn, oddly enough, in Master of Disguise, and I would. I was. I was drinking a lot, and I. I. I kept winning, and I. I yelled the F word a couple times, right? And this. I was so excited. Like, in a. In a. In a happy way.

[C]

I was happy.

[A]

Oh, I thought you're, like, fag. That's what I thought. I thought he was going. He goes, seven faggot.

[E]

I don't know. I don't know why I suddenly thought, we're on network tv, and I couldn't swear.

[C]

I don't know what happened to me.

[E]

I. I said, yeah, a couple times, you know, and a lady came over, and she. And she goes, there's a policy at this casino that if you say the F word three times, you get kicked out, and you have now said it two times. And I. I go. I go, how many C words do I get? And I was kicked out of the casino.

[A]

And. No, that's up. That's up. That's not policy.

[E]

I agree.

[A]

That was personal.

[C]

That got personal.

[E]

It got personal.

[A]

You asked a question.

[E]

Yeah, and I. I do.

[A]

The curious mind is often punished.

[C]

And then it was Theo's idea. He's like, you should go out and dress like an Asian man.

[A]

Hey, man, go put some tape on your eyes. Come back as Chinese businessman.

[E]

But, yeah, I went up to my room, and my butt. I had, like, a pair of, like, Oakley sunglasses, and I just done a military tour. I had, like, a camouflage bucket hat. I changed all my clothes, I put on a suit, and I played for another hour before getting found out. And it was one of the best nights of my life.

[A]

With a camouflage head on.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

They go, hey, is that my life? Is that the guy we kick? Oh, that's Fred Durst.

[C]

How do they find out it was you again?

[E]

I yelled you

[A]

in the same accent. You didn't even put on, like a fucking Mexican accent or something.

[E]

I'm not even kidding. I got excited and I yelled it again and they go, it's him in disguise.

[A]

In fairness, though, that was your third time.

[E]

That's right.

[A]

That's what it was supposed to expect. They got you.

[F]

That's fair.

[A]

Now it's fair.

[E]

That is fair.

[A]

You got your full years worth.

[E]

That's right.

[C]

Three stories down. Alex, where are our points at?

[F]

Tied for third place with two points each, Lewis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson, and David Tell.

[B]

Oh, my God, what a tie up. Holy shit.

[F]

In second place, with three points, Jamie Lisso.

[B]

Whoa, buddy. Let him. Let him smell the book.

[F]

And in the lead with eight points, Ian Lara.

[B]

It's about time. It's about time, Ian. The last glass ceiling to break. Story wars, Ian.

[A]

You can almost taste knives and spoons. It's so close to your life.

[B]

I can't wait to see that on ebay. That's gonna be fantastic, Ian.

[A]

Dave, I don't think so. Because through vivid storytelling, Gomez navigates the highs and lows of a childhood marked by bullying, drug abuse, petty crime, and the crushing weight of Povert. Yet amidst the darkness, readers will witness the origins of the humor that would define him. A defense mechanism turned into a powerful tool for survival and success.

[B]

Fuck yeah. Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis.

[C]

This book sounds great. This book sounds great. Hey, hey.

[E]

If. If Ian wins, I'm giving him a copy of my book. Forks.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[E]

My parents are fine, but they love Forks.

[A]

Well, the follow.

[C]

The follow up to this is gonna be Spork in the Road. Alex, Story number four.

[F]

Story number four.

[C]

All right.

[F]

I did drugs for two nights straight at a nice hotel for a friend's birthday party where he hired magicians for entertainment.

[A]

All right, how. Isn't this. Louis, I do magic.

[C]

I don't need to watch magicians.

[A]

You'd love to have a magician come while you're fucked up.

[C]

It does sound like a great party. I gotta be honest with you. As you're describing it, it's like, what, Drugs, first of all. And magicians? Because it depends. Cocaine and magicians wouldn't be good. I'd fight them. But, like, ecstasy and magicians, that would just be fun.

[A]

Great. You know what, though? Dave's been doing comedy for a long time, so this could be, like, a story he has with, like, a young.

[C]

You know, it's like, him and Stan Hope and Sam Kinison.

[B]

All right, this is in the Epstein list. But, yes, back in the day, we would ha. We would party with magicians.

[A]

Was.

[B]

We called them wizards. We would bring wizards over.

[A]

It was a different time. There was no Internet. You had to believe in the.

[B]

Actually sounds like a lot lame night. Like, you have money for drugs. Why not? No, no magicians. Yeah, okay, whatever, Jay.

[C]

Big J, I've known Jay a very long time. It is not a party for two nights straight at a nice hotel. Like, doing drugs. That's not your thing.

[A]

I would love magicians, though. Oh, my God. I would always tell. That story is like.

[F]

Like.

[A]

But they did get magicians, which was kind of neat.

[E]

I wish this was me. I've never partied for one night straight.

[A]

Yeah, me either. I have no story where it's like, I did drugs for a span of time.

[C]

I mean, I've done a ton of drugs, but I've never done drugs for two nights straight. And definitely when I was doing drugs, I couldn't afford a nice hotel.

[A]

Well, it's a friend's birthday party. Yeah, Louis, that was crazy.

[B]

Jay.

[C]

Jay, you keep on wasting your points, you fucking fool.

[A]

I just want to draw a picture of your mom on heroin and you'd be stale.

[C]

Dave, back in the day, I know you drank a lot, but did you. Were you doing drugs back in the day?

[B]

Sure we were.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

We're doing a lot of drugs. And what can I tell you? You know, there was very little, like, you know what's missing? Mad. I mean, we never said that. I can't feel my legs.

[C]

This sounds like a. Like, before the Internet, before fucking. You get in trouble for shit. This is a party like that.

[B]

I mean, is that even, like, something, like, legal in a hotel? I didn't even know you're allowed to combine the two together like that. That's pretty.

[C]

I think magic is legal everywhere.

[B]

Okay,

[D]

y' all ain't even. Y' all ain't even accused me. Cause I know black people don't fuck with magic.

[C]

Yeah, he would have. He would have ran out the hotel, straight out the front doors. The devil's in that hotel.

[A]

Yeah, I was gonna say blackia. Black people don't hire magicians to do. They hire magicians to give you proof that God is real as well as the devil.

[C]

The devil's in the Marriott. Bonvoy,

[E]

can I ask a serious question? How much more would it have been to get horse?

[C]

Honestly, magicians are probably more expensive than whores.

[E]

Maybe you're right.

[B]

Okay. It sounds like a half promise to A wife. Like, what did you do after the show? Well, we just got some magicians and, you know, they had this magical dust that we were snorting off of each other's and

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Fuck me. Thank you, Jay. You're. You're wasting your vote. This is very obviously Dave Mattel.

[B]

Guys. I wish I lived.

[C]

That couldn't be any more obvious.

[B]

I think you said it best on page 32 of your book, Knives and Spoons. That. Sorry. Let's see who can afford drugs.

[A]

You know what? I've thought this out more.

[C]

It's not me, but you're keeping the picture of my heroin addict mother and dead father.

[A]

I'm going to say it's David Tell, but also Louis. Heroin, dead mother, and the stabbed father.

[C]

We're gonna have to. We're gonna have to blur his mother.

[A]

Like to do heroin in the nude.

[C]

Huh? We're gonna have to blur that on the YouTube version.

[A]

I'll blur it.

[B]

That's crazy. I'm saying Jay. But I don't really believe in it, so that's why it's upside down.

[A]

I blurred it out. I pixelated her dimples.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you for the Internet.

[C]

Alex. Alex. Four stories down, who did drugs for two nights straight.

[A]

If it's you, I'm gonna hit you with the microphone.

[F]

Story number four belongs to Lewis J. Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, no, no. Lewis. Oh my God.

[A]

Louis, you can almost taste. Knives and spoons are all darkly funny and deeply honest.

[B]

Well, this panel of owes me an apology.

[A]

Dave, I'm sorry.

[C]

I'll be the first one scapegoat everyone chose. Dave,

[A]

you changed.

[C]

I was maybe 20 at the time. My mother was alive at the time because I remember I. I wrote like on a piece of paper. I was on drugs and I was just like, almost like journaling the night as I was all F. I was on straight up. Like, remember back when, like 2001. 2002. You can get like real deal pressed pills. Ecstasy in New York City. It was like an ecstasy epidemic. And we were doing it a lot.

[A]

How do you say you remember?

[C]

Yeah, remember? And we had pills.

[A]

Two people in here who have button down shirts under sweaters.

[C]

We.

[A]

No, they don't know.

[C]

There was. We had. We got. We got Bin Ladens. And that was the name of the pills. There were Bin Ladens. And they had little bombs on them because they were the bomb. And bomb.

[A]

Diggy.

[C]

We. So. And then me and Katie, you remember my friend Katie? We. We were. We were there the first night at the W Hotel in Times Square. They had two magicians entertaining us. No strippers, no nothing. We were just getting up, there was like 20 people. Then they all left and we just stayed in the hotel and we just ignored them, like knocking on the door. So we stayed a whole extra night without even paying and just, we just ignored them. We, we latched it. We wouldn't get out. We just kept on having sex and doing drugs and it was a pretty goddamn cool night. And then I journaled it and I, like, I had a whole sheet of paper and I brought it home and my mom found the piece of paper journaling my sex drug and magician night.

[A]

Just some light journaling.

[C]

Yeah, I, I, There was like, on hotel paper, like the W paper. I was just.

[A]

I've never thought to write down an experience after it happened to me.

[C]

Be like, you've never, you've never taken six bin Laden in one night.

[A]

That's fair, that's fair.

[E]

Cuz you would have totally forgot that if you hadn't jotted it down.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

Let's see what I wrote down. What's that smell? Ah. Ah. There's somebody at the door. I'm freaking out. I don't remember going like this.

[B]

That would be the ultimate AA meeting story. Oh, yeah, I did. What are they called again? The pills?

[C]

Bin Laden's.

[B]

The bin Laden. And I got chickens. And I also have, I have a serious magic addiction as well. I don't know who to talk to about.

[A]

Is there help out there?

[B]

Do not ask me to pick a card. Please don't. I'm fighting it.

[C]

Alex, four stories down. Where are points at?

[F]

All right, it's tied for fourth place with two points each. Big J Okerson and David Tell.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

We're not out. We're down. We're not out.

[F]

In third place with three points, Jamie Lisso.

[B]

All right, Jamie.

[F]

In second place with six points, Luis J. Gomez.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

See, this happens every time. You're right. That book is as good as his. Man, what a selfish, selfish man you are, Lewis.

[F]

And in the lead with eight points, Ian Lara.

[B]

Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian.

[A]

Ian Lewis is on that ass.

[C]

All right, we are at the halfway point of the show. At this point we will do some quick plugs. Dave, what are you plugging, my friend?

[B]

Nothing really, but you can go to my site, david.com, i guess, and check out my dates. I got some new ones. 2026 is going to be awesome getting out there again, so thank you, guys.

[C]

Great. David, O.C.

[A]

davitel,

[C]

Jamie Lisso.

[E]

I just Want to start off by saying I'm not. I wasn't prepared for this.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And I got. I got Biloxi coming up. And I know I met. I mentioned Rob Schneider in the show and I felt weird for name dropping. So I want to just say I, you know, I don't want people to think all I do is ride off the success of Rob Schneider. So if you want. If you want to see stuff, I do totally on my own. All my tour dates are at my website. Website. It's robschneidersfriend.com.

[A]

And all dates are opening for Rob Schneider and Laura.

[D]

Yeah, you could check out my special material boy on YouTube and romantic comedy on HBO especially.

[C]

Hell yeah, Ian. Laura, killing it. So funny, Big J.

[A]

Catch me this year on the Greatest Yapper Alive tour. Funny, funny poster coming. Greatest Yapper alive. I'll be coming all come, coming all over the place.

[C]

No, you can't use that line anymore.

[B]

Is that like an AI name? You're like, I need a name for a special. The Biggest Yapper. What was it?

[A]

Greatest Yapper Alive.

[B]

Greatest Yapper.

[A]

No, but the tour poster is great. It's a picture I had somebody make. It's my face in the famous Biggie Smalls picture where he has the crown. It's my face, but with still Biggie Smalls eyes and lips.

[D]

What, what, what color is your skin on it?

[A]

It's some kind of gray.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, it's good. It's good stuff. It's good stuff. Listen to the Bonfire with me and the great Robert Kelly and of course, the Legion of Skanks flagship show over Guest dig. Oh, my. Live streams. Yes, I'm doing live streams over at YouTube too. Big J Okerson, Doc Jon on YouTube.

[C]

Come see me. Come see me live on the road. Louisofscop. It's a website. I'm torn all over the place. Check out all the other podcasts that I do. Legion of Skanks, the Regs, and the Real Ass podcast right here on the Gas Digital Network. Sign up for my mailing list on my [e-mail] I do a bonus podcast, a solo show just for subscribers every single week and pre order knives and spoons right now on Amazon. It comes out March 3rd.

[B]

Dude.

[C]

Comes out March 3rd.

[B]

This is incredible.

[C]

Grab it. I think you guys will like it. It's funny and sad. I think you guys are gonna dig it. And yeah, make sure you guys, if you love this show, go subscribe to Gas Digital. We do the uncensored ad free version of the show on gas Digital. @gas digital.com there's an app for iPhone and Android. You also get the on demand library. There's a bunch of shows that are no longer available anywhere else, including thousands and thousands of hours of shows like Legionist Gangster realized podcasts, all uncensored, all ad free. Support ad free uncensored comedy by going to gas digital.com and use the promo code Code wars W A R Z and you save a couple bucks a month, it supports the show directly and yeah, that's that. Jay, Second half of the show.

[A]

We have reached the second half of the show, our final four stories. And everybody here is pretty familiar with the show. So it, it's not that crazy. You just should know that everyone is still involved in this game, even me and Dave over there. Jamie, we are one round away from taking a lead because for the final four stories we always go double points.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't even see that coming. That's great. I was gonna donate my points.

[A]

No, there's no point. There's no point in doing that, Dave, because you could take a sweep because before if you fooled someone, you only got a point and if you got correct guess somebody correctly, you got two points. But that all now shifts up to double points.

[B]

W.

[A]

I'm running out of two finger things.

[C]

This show is so fun. What a fun show.

[A]

It's so stupid.

[C]

Four stories down. Second half of the show, Alex. Story number five.

[F]

Story number five. While filming something, a major celebrity looked in my direction. In a panic, I blurted out words that made no sense. The celebrity looked confused and I literally ran away.

[C]

All right. Literally ran. Jay's out.

[A]

Filming something major celebrity. Lewis is out. I actually, I'm just saying that I initially thought it was you were words

[C]

that made no sense. Could be Ian.

[A]

Oh, you.

[C]

It's Ebonics. It could be anybody up here. Honestly, I mean, I, once again, I don't really film many things involving major celebrities.

[A]

So yeah, I do think that my first instinct was you. And I've been, I've. I've gone against my first instinct every time and fucked up and it's been my first instinct.

[E]

Maybe I'm feeling a big J vibe on this one.

[A]

Have at a big J vibe. Davitel's drawing a picture of me.

[B]

No. Oh, I have a palsy. So it might be.

[A]

Are you letting the spirits guide you?

[C]

Is Dave writing your name with his left foot?

[F]

Are.

[A]

I mean, you do Gutfeld all the time.

[C]

Jamie,

[A]

you do it all the time as our major celebrities do.

[E]

The show ever said. Charlie Sheen the other day.

[A]

That's a pretty major celebrity. That's a pretty major celebrity.

[E]

We hung out with these magicians all night.

[A]

Nice, dude. God, I know. He still got down like that.

[C]

See, I'm saying the. The vagueness of this story is making me think it could be Big J.

[A]

Because it's vague.

[C]

Yeah, because maybe it's a story that I would know had you not included so many vague words. Words.

[A]

What's vague?

[C]

I mean, that's while filming something. It's just the most vague starting to any story ever. A major celebrity, vague. In a panic, I blurted out words that made no sense.

[A]

Vague.

[C]

That celebrity vague. Looked confused, and I literally ran away.

[A]

That's celebrity vague. Yeah.

[C]

You're not saying the name of the celebrity.

[A]

I'm not saying anything, but I'm saying that I don't know why it's been more vague than any other story on the show.

[B]

Is this you?

[A]

You? Are you doing the thing?

[C]

Oh, wow, Big J, you're falling apart right now, dude. Everyone knows it's you. Look at all their faces. They all know it's you. They all look. Everyone's voting Big J now. Oh, I really him. I really bent him over on this one, folks. Look, I mean.

[A]

Oh, here's the thing.

[C]

That's my final answer. Big J Okerson. Final answer based on vagueness.

[A]

Dave, go ahead and write. Big J Okerson, go ahead. I like all of it.

[B]

He's got everybody. I think I got it.

[C]

You got to pick one, Dave.

[B]

Okay, so I do know it was Jay. I remember him telling me this story.

[C]

Oh, you actually know it was Jay?

[A]

Go ahead. It's actually Ian Lara's story.

[C]

No, it's not, is it?

[A]

What?

[C]

I don't know what's happening right now.

[F]

Alex, story number five belongs to Big

[B]

J. I remember him telling me this.

[A]

I was worried about this one when I did Hustlers Dude.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Me and JLo did a scene together. One scene where she had to hand me money and say, hey, play this song. And I go, absolutely gorgeous. And we did like, three or four takes. And I was like, she seems nice. So when we're in between takes, at one point. Point when she. But I promise I made a script in my head. I was like, she's gonna say something along the lines of anything. Like the. Hey, how's your day going? You hanging in there? You blah, blah, blah. It doesn't matter. Because for all of them, in my mind, what worked was, you know, I was playing the strip club dj. I Was gonna go, ah, just living the life of a fake strip club dj. And I've already pictured her giggle at that and us going, instead, what happened was she put her robe on when they yelled cut. And she looked like this past me. And when her eyes just hit me, I went, living the life of a fake strip club dj. She went, she went, what? She went, what? And her assistant heard and started laughing. And I went, I don't know. And then I go, I'm going to go grab a Diet Coke to the guy. And they go, now we'll get you a Diet Coke. I go, I want to grab it. And I just left the set to go outside and reset myself.

[B]

I remember when you were like doing all that acting stuff. But all I'm going to say, whoever it is, you have the last laugh now. That's right. Where is JLo? That's right. Her people are trying to get her on this show. Her people are trying to get her on this show every week.

[A]

Every goddamn week. If I just would have done better in that interaction.

[C]

Alex, all of our answers are in. I mean, what are our scores?

[A]

All right,

[F]

in last place with two points, Big J Okerson.

[B]

Oh, man. You're gonna have to buy that book in front of a Barnes and Noble on a table run by immigrants.

[A]

I'm buying a bootleg.

[F]

In fourth place with six points, David Tell.

[B]

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Oh, man. Not the worst, not the best. That's what my mom used to say.

[F]

In third place with seven points, Jamie Lisso.

[B]

Jamie.

[F]

In second place with 10 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Always.

[F]

And in the lead with 12 points, Ian Laura.

[A]

Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here, Story wars, and that is Hims. If you are out there struggling with ed, and I know our fat fans are hims, is here to help you. They get you personalized prescription treatment options for ED with trusted generics that cost 95% less than brand names because you probably have a floppy dick and you're broke. They also have an in house product.

[C]

That's why I have a floppy dick. Thinking about how little money I have. I can't get hard now.

[A]

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[C]

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[D]

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[A]

You, you fat, bald, limp dick idiot.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

I love them, dude.

[B]

They.

[C]

They sent me the THC sodas. Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

You were way in.

[C]

You were way in, dude. On my. On my ass while drinking a sugar free, calorie free soda. Pretty.

[A]

You poured it on ice in the class.

[C]

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[A]

I have. Now I'm going to drink that. But everything else I shove up my ass. And if you're wondering if it works, it does. And even though you said the so science is in on that. I am the science.

[C]

Well, can I be honest with you, Jay? You shove the packets before you open them into your ass. I don't think they're doing anything. I think you're just shitting out full packages that have never been breached.

[A]

No. It's time release.

[C]

Well, look, you can boof your body bring coffee like Big J, or you can simply drink it like everybody else because it's simply five ingredients that are really genuinely proven to help with your overall physical and mental health. It is Colombian freeze dried coffee packed with nootropics and adaptogens including tongkat ali which has been linked to testosterone. Testosterone support lion's mane which helps with memory and focus. Ashwagandha which supports your great mood and L Theanine which smooths out your entire caffeine experience. So you don't get the jitters. If you drink a cup of body brain coffee, it's freeze dried. It means you could just prepare it instantly in hot water, cold water or poured into a protein shake and we have a hell of a deal today.

[A]

Jay, do you see that? What happens is your body's anal acids break down the packaging through time, time and time release. You will get the adaptogens and nootropics.

[C]

I don't think that you have that tongue.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

You have anal acids.

[A]

You're not questioning me the science.

[C]

Go to bodybraincoffee.com right now and save 20% by using the promo code WAR20. War2,0.20 off. And if you subscribe, not only you're going to get 20 off, you're going to receive it monthly. You're not only getting 20 off, but we're going to give you free shipping for life. And to all of our subscribers, we are very soon sending out a sample packet of the brand new body brain creamer which stacks perfectly with body brain coffee or your favorite coffee product in General. Once again, bodybraincoffee.com use that promo code WAR20 for 20% off. All right, where were we?

[A]

Alex, story number six.

[F]

Story number six. I once played a corpse on a TV show.

[C]

I feel it's almost like if it was Davitel, I would know that he once played a corpse on a TV show. Yes, that'd be like a famous thing we heard about.

[B]

No, I'm doing it right now and it's a trick question.

[E]

It, I, I feel like if it said played with it would be a tell.

[B]

Nice one.

[A]

This could be on a TV show. I, I would definitely know if this was Lewis. Yeah, I feel like, I feel like. Miss. What, what's that? What's your vote?

[C]

Miss, come up here, be part of the show.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

No, we want, we want to know your opinion.

[B]

It was redacted. Ms. Story was redacted. You were smart as an investigative journalist. You was very smart. Well, this sounds, let's see, it could

[A]

have been Jamie on law and order SVU. It could have been Ian on Power Book 3. Canons.

[B]

Whatever.

[C]

Jamie, were you on. Were you on Law and Order?

[E]

I was. I was never on Law and Order. I, I, I was. I did some extra work, though, for a while.

[B]

Okay, well, there you go.

[C]

Corpse there.

[D]

I'm buying it.

[C]

I'm blessed.

[B]

Extra work.

[A]

Lewis and Jamie. That's impossible.

[C]

Louis. Jamie Gomez. That's what the J stands for. Is Jamie. Corpse Dave, which one is actually your vote? This guy Jamie.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. How can you not see it? I said it wrong.

[A]

Says Lewis.

[B]

Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. I. Sorry. Little indecisive.

[C]

Dave, did you start drinking again tonight?

[A]

Jamie, I hate to tell you this. Your arrow is going to point to Nadian.

[E]

I wish. I wish there was a way to change it.

[B]

Played a corpse on a TV show.

[C]

Damn, Ian's too young. They're not, they're not having a black guy play a corpse on a TV show. Corpse is a white role on a TV show. I'm letting you know right now, it's

[A]

Jamie or an suv.

[D]

Is Jamie. Is Jamie or Dave.

[C]

I know I'm getting Jamie or Dave vibes right now.

[B]

I don't know about that.

[E]

I did, I did Law and Order. Suv. I was locked in a hot car.

[B]

He's a young man.

[D]

I'm all right. I'm.

[C]

I'm going Davitel.

[A]

I'm going Jamie.

[E]

I'm going. Ian.

[A]

All the answers are in.

[F]

Story number six belongs to Davitel.

[B]

Thank you, everybody. Yes, thank you.

[A]

Can I just. Can I. I just come be on the show once in a while. I go home. It's like I'm. It's lucky I don't hit Christine every Wednesday night. It's my longest day of the week, and I come home like. They go, she doesn't even ask if you want anymore. She goes, how was it? I go. I go, how it always is.

[C]

She's like, what place did you come in?

[E]

How much you lose by Dave.

[C]

What TV show was this? How long ago was this?

[B]

Well, this was a very long time ago. VH1.

[A]

Anything?

[B]

Anybody? Anybody here? Yeah, I believe it was called Shoot the band. And I played a dead member of the band, and they would have to lift me up and move me around to say, awesome. Nice.

[A]

Is that available on YouTube in any way? If you look. I don't know.

[B]

It was hilarious. When you're laying on the ground and you realize you've been cancelled. Like, that show, they canceled it while I was corpsing out, so it was awesome.

[C]

So, Alex, what are our scores?

[F]

In last place with two points I'm not playing anymore.

[A]

Just so you know. Like, in my mind, I'm not even playing. I'll just write down a thing, but I don't care.

[F]

Are you Big J Okerson?

[B]

J, J, J, J.

[C]

Trust the process.

[A]

That didn't work out either.

[C]

Yeah, dude, you're skinny now, at least.

[F]

In fourth place, with seven points, Jamie Lisso. In third place with 10 points, Dave Attell.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's good. I'm gonna hold.

[F]

In second place place with 14 points, Luis J. Gomez, Louis Lewis.

[B]

Lewis. Boo. The. The push back is incredible.

[F]

And in the lead with 16 points, Ian Lara.

[B]

Ian is crushing it.

[A]

Been running away since the first story.

[B]

Nice one. I'm

[C]

Alex. Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven.

[C]

What?

[F]

Story number seven.

[C]

You know, you said it weird. She went story number seven. Story number seven. Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. I got circumcised in high school.

[A]

And.

[F]

And when I. And when I healed up, my teacher teachers convinced me to do a TED talk about the procedure for my curious classmates. About six other guys were convinced to do it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

You say damn serious.

[A]

Can we all just say Jamie so we can tell the awesome story?

[B]

Jamie?

[A]

Who the else could this be? You wouldn't have heard about David Tell's high school circumcision. That wouldn't have appeared on Comedy Central in 93.

[C]

Jamie is Catholic. Listen to me. Jamie's Catholic. They circumcise Catholic babies. That. And he's from an age. Hold on. He's from an age where he's going to be circumcised.

[A]

They circumcised Jewish baby.

[C]

They also circumcise Catholics. That's like regular. Yes. Yes, they do they now?

[A]

Yes. Oh, you're the religious leader all of a sudden.

[C]

I'm Catholic and I'm circumcised.

[E]

I believe you're right. And then the priest would, like, check it.

[C]

Yeah. What you guys might not know is Ian is not actually black. Ian is Dominican. And Dominicans have weird elephant that aren't circumcised very often.

[A]

And also, he thinks. He thinks TED talk is a white woman.

[C]

And this is the second story about going up at a school assembly to address a crowd of people. There is a theme here.

[A]

Wow, Jamie.

[B]

I can't think of a better way.

[D]

I'm not. I'll pull it out. I'm not circum.

[B]

Easy, buddy. Holy man. Donnie.

[D]

This is pretty easily provable.

[A]

Who you like Ian, but it doesn't matter. And I don't give a me Jay

[C]

you can still win.

[A]

I don't want to play anymore.

[E]

Jay, you're still a very important part of this.

[A]

I've thrown out video games. Losing less than this, it's nothing for my sight.

[E]

Mikey, you're a very important part man. You're making it so I'm not last.

[B]

Lewis.

[C]

My vote is for E. Master of reflection.

[A]

Everyone's in.

[C]

I got circumcised in high school. Are you guys retarded?

[B]

Nobody. What kind of circumcision are we talking about? Clitoral. What's going on here? Come on, y'.

[C]

All.

[B]

I'm just y' alling here.

[A]

He did.

[B]

Come on, y'.

[D]

All.

[A]

He did go to the Sudan for his school trip.

[B]

Take that bookworm,

[C]

Alex. All of her answers are in Seven stories down.

[F]

Story number seven belongs to Ian Lara.

[B]

No way. A black guy? Not circumcised. I didn't want to go there. Holy.

[C]

Look, I can't help. I'm great at this game.

[D]

No, you stole it off Jay. Jay wrote Ian, and then you wrote it.

[C]

I said, I did a whole speech. That's what made Jay vote for you.

[A]

Lewis plays an unscrupulous game every week.

[D]

He does.

[C]

I'm good at the game.

[A]

He's not good at the game. He's in cahoots is what it is.

[B]

I just wanted to fight what my white mind was telling me. And I said, ian. So you put the hockey stick down? Who do you think it is?

[C]

Ian. Ian, tell us the story.

[A]

So.

[D]

So I. When I got to high, I didn't even know about circumstances. I, I, I, I didn't know it was a thing. And then I got. I got to high school, and I. I was on a basketball team. And then I found out. Out, like, you could jump higher. I found out through the other players that you could do it. And I. And I wasn't. I. I didn't play. So I was like, at the. Like, when we got to the playoffs, I was like, I'm. I'm just gonna get circumcised. And they was like. They was like, but we in the playoffs. I was like, well, I don't play anyway.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, you're not supposed to. You're not supposed to shave your foreskin until you lose.

[B]

Where. Where did you know?

[A]

That's the meeting.

[B]

Where did. I didn't know Supercuts did circumcision. I didn't. Can you give me old fade and clip?

[A]

It's got three lines under the circumcision.

[C]

This story is crazy. Crazy you decided in high school that you were people making fun of your dick.

[D]

No, no, no. I just. It was. It was for me. I didn't.

[A]

It was for you, like, women.

[C]

Your breast.

[D]

Yeah, I did it for me, but then I did it and I came back and it was a. On the basketball team was a bunch of dudes on it who hadn't done it. So they was asking me about it, so they was like. Just like, have a thing, like, for the players, like, tell them more than.

[C]

It was like the halftime show in the playoffs.

[D]

So I told them. And then, like, later on, like after the season, like, six of them ended up getting circumcised too, so.

[C]

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

[E]

That's wild.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Alex, where are points at?

[A]

Seven stories down, Ian had to change schools three times.

[F]

In last place with six points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

That's dumb. I have. Here I was, but I'm not even playing. No, I just. I didn't show up that I didn't play.

[F]

In fourth place with 10 points, Davitel. In third place with 11 points, Jamie Lisso.

[E]

I was one of their six guys.

[F]

And tied for the lead with 18 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Ian Lara.

[B]

Fuck. Yes, Ian.

[A]

Ian, quit now and let him have the book. It's the only way it's ever getting read. A memoir that pulls no punches. It's a story about finding strength in unlikely places, about the power of laughter and the father face of pain, and transforming even the darkest moments into fuel for success. Bold, unapologetic and deeply moving. Knives and Spoons is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, even in the darkest hours. You, Louis, take it home with you.

[B]

Watch out, Mein Kampf. There's a new way to think. It's Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Jamie, you're still in it. Dave, you're still in it. Big J, it's really nice to have you here tonight.

[A]

I'm out.

[C]

Jay's out. Alex, story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. I was in a movie with an alpaca, which is like a llama.

[C]

Alpaca is a very white word. Alpaca is actually white for llama.

[A]

This is obvious. This is an obvious.

[C]

This is an obvious. Who's an obvious?

[A]

It's totally obvious. This is Jamie Lissow.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Why an alpaca and llama? Those are such white words, even you couldn't look those up to fake them.

[E]

I didn't. So is it like a llama or do you think it's. It's the same exact thing. This is my first time. I don't even know if I know what either of those things are, so I don't. This can't be me. I don't even know now.

[D]

I think it's you.

[B]

One of them deserves to be in this country and the other one doesn't. Come on, buddy, turn your other job on.

[C]

Ooh, I'm getting David tell vibes on this story.

[B]

How dare you.

[C]

No. You say no.

[B]

One off to another.

[C]

This girl is living the game right now. She's so fucking. You know what, Miss, you just want a copy of Knives and Spoons?

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

She's having the best time.

[B]

Who got it every. Like.

[C]

She cares about every round. She's being like, no, you can't.

[B]

Oh, God.

[C]

Miss, who? Who do you think it? Huge fan. You're a huge fan.

[B]

Oh, she's English.

[C]

She's a foreigner.

[A]

She can read.

[C]

Oh, no, give me that book back.

[A]

She's going to smoke her pipe and read.

[D]

Damn.

[C]

Where are you from, miss?

[A]

Yorkshire Y. Oh, the best.

[B]

The Bronx of England.

[C]

I'm kind of getting davitel vibes on this one.

[A]

This one? It couldn't be more obvious. The answer is simple. On two different occasions, Lewis has tried to do gay stuff with me in a hotel room. I swear to God on James L. That is great.

[C]

Good one, Jay tried.

[A]

Well, you have to try before I

[C]

accept Jamie's voting Big J. Why are you saying Big J, Jamie?

[A]

I just.

[E]

It sounds.

[A]

Because it's him.

[E]

It just seems like the way it's written, it sounds like something Big J would say the cadence.

[C]

No, I feel like if this was Big J, it would be way more vague.

[F]

It's too specific.

[C]

Yeah, it would be like I was one time in a movie with something which is kind of like something else. Like, that's big.

[B]

Yeah, that sounds like I was in

[E]

a movie with an animal that's like an animal.

[D]

Big J. Have you ever seen an alpaca?

[A]

No, I don't know what it is exactly, but I assume now it's like a llama, which I think is like a little camel, which is like an Indian horse.

[E]

Was that.

[D]

Was there an alpaca in that JLO movie?

[C]

Maybe.

[A]

Oh, maybe in Hustlers. I don't think so. It was mostly by strippers. But, you know, black, Hispanic strippers make a lot of money. They don't know what to do with it. They start buying crazy pets. Maybe. There's a strong chance that Cardi B and J. Lo had an alpaca. In the film Hustlers. I don't know for sure. All I know for sure is that I believe the answer is Lewis, on two separate occasions tried to have gay sex with me in a hotel room. I swear to God on James life,

[C]

it didn't say gay sex. Is that gay stuff?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, that ends. That leads to sex.

[B]

Gay sex.

[C]

Sex. Gay sex is crazy. Gay stuff is fun.

[D]

Lewis. Lewis, who are you picking?

[C]

I don't know. I'm kind of waiting to see who you pick cuz I, I, I, I'm kind of locked in on somebody here.

[B]

Who you locked in on?

[C]

I'm, I'm getting a David Tell vibe over here.

[D]

I, I'm, I'm, I'm. Me too.

[C]

If we're both right, it's going to have to go to overtime.

[D]

But if we're both wrong, somebody else win.

[B]

Let the English woman say something.

[C]

What do you, you know what, Miss

[B]

what they do in Harry Potter.

[E]

Potter.

[C]

You're going with Jamie. I'm going to, I'm going to go with her.

[B]

Well, well,

[C]

it's a Rob Schneider movie with an alpaca.

[E]

Wait, is there a movie with a corpse and an alpaca?

[C]

You're going to go, Dave. All right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to have a winner decided right, Right now. Unless we're both wrong and then we have to go to overtime anyway.

[A]

Lewis is going to run. Lewis is going to run in a room in his attic for these books. Everyone's in? Yes, everybody's in. I'm pretty sure I nailed it.

[F]

Our final story.

[A]

Are you freaking out? Because the answer happens to be Louis, on two separate occasions, try to have gay sex life. Get gay stuff. My apologies.

[C]

Don't be an idiot, dude.

[A]

I apolog. Apologies.

[C]

You're making it weird. Gay sex.

[A]

Gay stuff that he tried to do gay stuff with me. Oh, we're losing the black guys. I know, I know, I know. I wouldn't have said it, but Alex,

[F]

story number eight belongs to David.

[B]

Take that. Take that, England. Fuck you, England, you stupid bitch. Yeah, fuck you, England.

[C]

You fuck me up.

[B]

That's where. That's where. That's where. That's where. 1812. That's 1812. No shit's on our tables.

[D]

Give me that.

[A]

Wait here.

[D]

DEI bookie.

[C]

One second, one second. Dave, please tell us the story.

[B]

Well, well, well. Look who's now in control. Actually, it's a great story because as we all know, I'm not the best actor. And you know Amy, who's Always been really good to me. I always have a small part in her movie. So the last one. The last one she did, they had this big wedding scene. So part of the wedding scene, it was an extravagant scene, is they had this. What is it called?

[A]

It Impaca.

[B]

El Paca there. And he was a llama, let's say a llama. Because I kept calling him a llama the whole time. I'm like, hey, did you see the llama yet? The llama is. Is like, edging towards us. What's up with the llama? And they're like, it's an alpaca. And the. And the thing was, like, more nervous to me. But guess who was cut out of the movie. Me.

[A]

All right, so evidently alpaca made it.

[B]

Yeah, he did.

[A]

His date rate was higher than yours, so they had to use the footage.

[B]

But I've. Can I continue? It's. It's in my book. But I've. I've acted. I've acted. I wanted this story to end, and now I'm wearing him. You know what I'm saying? That's it.

[C]

Alex, make it official. Give us our final points.

[F]

All right. In last place, but it's okay because he wasn't playing anyway. With six points, big Jersey.

[A]

I stopped playing. 14 points against go. This is a cry for help.

[C]

Jay hates losing.

[A]

I must not hate it. I come every week to do it.

[F]

In fourth place, with 11 points, Jamie Liso.

[B]

Jamie.

[A]

Boom, boom, boom, Boom, boom.

[F]

In third place, with 16 points, Dave Attell.

[B]

Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. I accomplished everything I wanted to do here today.

[F]

Second place scored 18 points. And your winner tonight with 22 points, Ian Lara.

[B]

God bless you. Finally. Finally. Fuck, yeah. Ian. Ian. Ian. Ian. Ian.

[C]

Ian.

[B]

Ian. Ian.

[D]

Led from start to finish, baby.

[A]

That was a hell of a game. Your newest Story Warrior makes some noise for him. Ian Larr, everybody. He will be back real soon. Defend this title is Story Warrior. As always, thank you to our entire panel. Ian Lara, Jamie Lissow, the great David Tell. Thank you so much for hanging out with us on Story Wars. I'm Big J Okerson.

[C]

I'm Lewis J. Gomez.

[A]

We'll catch you next time. Until then, peace.

[C]

Stitch face.

[B]

Stitch fix. Shopping is hard.

[C]

Let's talk about it.

[B]

I don't have time to shop, so I buy all my clothes, where I buy my seafood.

[A]

I just want someone to tell me

[C]

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[A]

Man, that was easy.

[B]

That look good.

[C]

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