Story Warz Ep. 88: “Crime” with Ari Shaffir, Jordan Jensen, and Colum Tyrell

Date: April 10, 2026
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, NYC
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Ari Shaffir, Jordan Jensen, Colum Tyrell

Episode Overview

This episode of Story Warz brings together comedians Ari Shaffir, Jordan Jensen, and Colum Tyrell for a high-stakes, hilarious competition of deceitful storytelling, all centered on the theme of “Crime.” The panelists share real and fictional stories, attempting to fool each other while entertaining a packed, lively crowd from The Stand Comedy Club. The episode is fast-paced, packed with memorable one-liners, wild crimes, and the signature irreverent chemistry of its hosts and guests. At stake is the coveted Boy Scouts Handbook (first edition, 1911) and, of course, ultimate bragging rights.

Game Rules & Stakes (08:00 – 09:59)

• Each panel member submits multiple stories about “crime,” true or false.
• Producer Alex reads them; the panel guesses whose story it is.
• Points: Fool others (1 point per person fooled); correct guesses earn points too.
• Prize: A vintage Boy Scouts Handbook, “used to build character, discipline, and practical life skills in young boys.” (08:52)
• Notable: Every round ratchets up competitiveness and betrayal, with plenty of running jokes (like first-date anal, anal jokes, and incessant callbacks).

Key Moments and Stories

1. Intro & Panelist Banter (01:30 – 08:00)

• The crowd is lively and the introductory banter sets the tone, with lots of riffing about race, wardrobe, and each other’s dubious pasts.
• Jay: “If we were killed, Tony, they would have been clapping until I spun around and showed my asshole.” (02:02)
• Ari is introduced amid a raucous “Jew!” chant, which he nervously notes is a different experience now:
  • Ari: “Now, when a room of people start chanting Jew, you need to run.” (07:04)
• Warm-up highlights the panelists' tragicomic struggle with Story Warz: Colum has never won, Jordan is 1-1, Ari is 1-2.

2. Story Rounds (09:59 – 94:00)

Selected Stories & Memorable Exchanges:

Story One: “Arrested for crashing a car into high school I didn’t commit” (10:56 – 18:07)

• Panel debates terms like “high school” vs. “secondary school” (Colum is Irish).
• Jordan admits she was “arrested in high school. … You’d be most likely profiled because you’re whatever.” (14:18)
• Eventually revealed Colum’s story; he was wrongly jailed due to mistaken tracksuit identity.
• Colum: “When you get caught doing a crime you didn’t do, the confidence you have… ‘Search me, copper!’” (19:30)

Story Two: “Got arrested because I looked like I killed someone” (21:03 – 27:44)

• Jordan is immediately suspected; admits to several arrests: “Yeah, I was also arrested in high school.”
• Jordan: “I was painting a barn red… I had the axe because I had to make fires and wigs for my own entertainment. They thought I killed someone.” (26:21)
• Panel ridicules how much Jordan fits the profile.
• Ari: “Your denial was crazy.”
• Jay: “Yeah don’t walk around with an ax, whistling, laughing, and covered in red.” (28:12)

Story Three: “Uncle sold grandma’s elderly dog for drug money” (29:32 – 37:42)

• Lewis: “My uncle was, like, in great shape. Then I saw him running, and another guy chasing him. He was running away, not exercising.” (36:24)
• Panel jokes about dog-napping as a family tradition; Jay recounts his own lack of pets.
• Jordan: “It’s probably a better home for Lady.” (37:20)
• Colum: “We don’t have drug-addict relatives in Ireland, just drinking problems.” (30:51)

Story Four: “Pharmacy called my house about theft; sibling pretended to be parent” (41:55 – 48:22)

• Debate about panelists’ siblings; further Irish/US confusion over “pharmacies vs chemists.”
• Ari is outed: “He’s stolen things. He’s stolen big things… and been like, ‘Don’t be weird’… I’m weird the entire time.” (45:57)
• Ari: “I think it was a Transformer...or sunglasses.” (48:05)

[Halftime plugs, sponsorships, banter omitted as per guidelines.]

Story Five: “Stole thousands worth of clothes with paralyzed friend in wheelchair” (59:01 – 66:44)

• Jay: “Only a woman would be friends with somebody in a wheelchair. That’s insane behavior.”
• Jordan: “She was a hardcore lesbian… I would just wheel out, and if the alarm went off, I’d say, ‘She’s…’ every time.” (65:06)
• Colum: “You tried everything.” Jay: “Did you ever just flop her on a bed and let her eat your—do her the favor?” (65:10)

Story Six: “Had car stolen; headshot stabbed into dashboard with knife” (69:00 – 75:12)

• Jay: “They had a picture of me stabbed in the dashboard... knife still in! They left it as a message.” (74:01)
• Panel relishes the imagined pettiness of vandalizing a comedian’s headshot.

Story Seven: “Kept money raised for charity” (78:36 – 86:25)

• Colum confesses: “We used to raise money for African kids. … but I started bringing pencils so I could erase the money.” (85:27)
• Jay: “Jews are always raising money—for themselves.” (80:23)
• Known as one of the most sociopathic bits, Colum proudly recounts robbing the charity outright.

Story Eight: “Black guy sat near my bag; wallet and collectible stolen” (88:19 – 96:02)

• Heavy discussion on racial guilt versus crime prevention.
• Ari: “I was like, I shouldn’t say anything. This would be really wrong if I said something. And I was wrong...but I was dead right.” (95:48)
• Jay: “Trust your instincts, folks. That’s the message.” (95:58)

3. Overtime Showdown (98:13 – End)

• Tie between Colum and Ari at 18 points each; sudden death round activated (99:05).
• Wagered points, then guess: Jordan's story is read.
• Story: “Found secret upstairs in a restaurant, had sex, stole massive painting by handing it out the side of the building.”
• Both Ari and Colum bet all 18; Colum guesses Lewis, Ari guesses Jordan—Ari wins.

Final Results & Takeaways

1. Winner: Ari Shaffir, after a come-from-behind overtime victory.

2. Notable Quotes:

   • “If we were killed, Tony, they would have been clapping until I spun around and showed my asshole.” – Jay (02:02)
   • “When you get caught doing a crime you didn’t do, the confidence you have—‘Search me, copper!’” – Colum (19:30)
   • “Jay’s headshot for back then was so infuriating that if I had a knife, I’d stab it into something.” – Lewis (73:21)
   • “Only a woman would be friends with somebody in a wheelchair.” – Jay (60:24)
   • “Trust your instincts. That’s the message.” – Jay (95:56)

3. Memorable Running Gags:

   • “First date anal”—became shorthand for extreme, zero-inhibition behavior (throughout).
   • Repeated jokes about Irish backwardness and Jay's days as a “wigger.”
   • The “anal girl” in the crowd, repeatedly cited as a mascot of wildness.

4. Game Dynamic:

   • Relentless blend of deception, trash talk, and over-sharing.
   • Panelists leverage knowledge of each others’ past, mannerisms, and, often, their deepest shames.
   • Points shift wildly, and both Colum and Ari make dramatic moves in the closing rounds.

Notable Segments & Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|---------------| | Game Explanation | 08:00–09:59 | | Story 1: Wrongful Arrest | 10:56–18:07 | | Story 2: False Murder Arrest | 21:03–27:44 | | Story 3: Dog Sold for Drug Money | 29:32–37:42 | | Story 4: Pharmacy Call / Sibling Save | 41:55–48:22 | | Story 5: Theft via Paralyzed Friend | 59:01–66:44 | | Story 6: Car Theft & Stabbed Headshot | 69:00–75:12 | | Story 7: Charity Theft | 78:36–86:25 | | Story 8: Black Guy & Stolen Collectible | 88:19–96:02 | | Overtime Story & Resolution | 98:13–End |

Tone & Appeal

The episode shines for fans of rapid-fire crowd work, dark personal anecdotes, and comedians constantly gambling with vulnerability and ridicule. The camaraderie, ruthless ribbing, and inside jokes make it feel like a raucous hangout—one where secrets are currency and nobody emerges unscathed. At the center is a chaotic but oddly honorable battle of wits, culminating with Ari’s narrow overtime win and a sense of mutual, battered respect among the panel.

Recommended if you like:

• Comedy panel shows steeped in personal storytelling
• Comedians playing “games” that devolve into competitive confessionals
• Irreverent, often edgy humor where nothing is off-limits

Listen for:

• Wild crime confessions (real and fake)
• Evolving game strategy and betrayals
• Instant classics like “First date poop shoot”
• The accidental wisdom of “Trust your instincts.”