088. Ari Shaffir, Jordan Jensen, Colum Tyrrell | Crime

Summary

---

Story Warz Ep. 88: “Crime” with Ari Shaffir, Jordan Jensen, and Colum Tyrell

Date: April 10, 2026
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, NYC
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Ari Shaffir, Jordan Jensen, Colum Tyrell

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Story Warz brings together comedians Ari Shaffir, Jordan Jensen, and Colum Tyrell for a high-stakes, hilarious competition of deceitful storytelling, all centered on the theme of “Crime.” The panelists share real and fictional stories, attempting to fool each other while entertaining a packed, lively crowd from The Stand Comedy Club. The episode is fast-paced, packed with memorable one-liners, wild crimes, and the signature irreverent chemistry of its hosts and guests. At stake is the coveted Boy Scouts Handbook (first edition, 1911) and, of course, ultimate bragging rights.

---

Game Rules & Stakes (08:00 – 09:59)

• Each panel member submits multiple stories about “crime,” true or false.
• Producer Alex reads them; the panel guesses whose story it is.
• Points: Fool others (1 point per person fooled); correct guesses earn points too.
• Prize: A vintage Boy Scouts Handbook, “used to build character, discipline, and practical life skills in young boys.” (08:52)
• Notable: Every round ratchets up competitiveness and betrayal, with plenty of running jokes (like first-date anal, anal jokes, and incessant callbacks).

---

Key Moments and Stories

1. Intro & Panelist Banter (01:30 – 08:00)

• The crowd is lively and the introductory banter sets the tone, with lots of riffing about race, wardrobe, and each other’s dubious pasts.
• Jay: “If we were killed, Tony, they would have been clapping until I spun around and showed my asshole.” (02:02)
• Ari is introduced amid a raucous “Jew!” chant, which he nervously notes is a different experience now:
  • Ari: “Now, when a room of people start chanting Jew, you need to run.” (07:04)
• Warm-up highlights the panelists' tragicomic struggle with Story Warz: Colum has never won, Jordan is 1-1, Ari is 1-2.

---

2. Story Rounds (09:59 – 94:00)

Selected Stories & Memorable Exchanges:

---

Story One: “Arrested for crashing a car into high school I didn’t commit” (10:56 – 18:07)

• Panel debates terms like “high school” vs. “secondary school” (Colum is Irish).
• Jordan admits she was “arrested in high school. … You’d be most likely profiled because you’re whatever.” (14:18)
• Eventually revealed Colum’s story; he was wrongly jailed due to mistaken tracksuit identity.
• Colum: “When you get caught doing a crime you didn’t do, the confidence you have… ‘Search me, copper!’” (19:30)

---

Story Two: “Got arrested because I looked like I killed someone” (21:03 – 27:44)

• Jordan is immediately suspected; admits to several arrests: “Yeah, I was also arrested in high school.”
• Jordan: “I was painting a barn red… I had the axe because I had to make fires and wigs for my own entertainment. They thought I killed someone.” (26:21)
• Panel ridicules how much Jordan fits the profile.
• Ari: “Your denial was crazy.”
• Jay: “Yeah don’t walk around with an ax, whistling, laughing, and covered in red.” (28:12)

---

Story Three: “Uncle sold grandma’s elderly dog for drug money” (29:32 – 37:42)

• Lewis: “My uncle was, like, in great shape. Then I saw him running, and another guy chasing him. He was running away, not exercising.” (36:24)
• Panel jokes about dog-napping as a family tradition; Jay recounts his own lack of pets.
• Jordan: “It’s probably a better home for Lady.” (37:20)
• Colum: “We don’t have drug-addict relatives in Ireland, just drinking problems.” (30:51)

---

Story Four: “Pharmacy called my house about theft; sibling pretended to be parent” (41:55 – 48:22)

• Debate about panelists’ siblings; further Irish/US confusion over “pharmacies vs chemists.”
• Ari is outed: “He’s stolen things. He’s stolen big things… and been like, ‘Don’t be weird’… I’m weird the entire time.” (45:57)
• Ari: “I think it was a Transformer...or sunglasses.” (48:05)

---

[Halftime plugs, sponsorships, banter omitted as per guidelines.]

---

Story Five: “Stole thousands worth of clothes with paralyzed friend in wheelchair” (59:01 – 66:44)

• Jay: “Only a woman would be friends with somebody in a wheelchair. That’s insane behavior.”
• Jordan: “She was a hardcore lesbian… I would just wheel out, and if the alarm went off, I’d say, ‘She’s…’ every time.” (65:06)
• Colum: “You tried everything.” Jay: “Did you ever just flop her on a bed and let her eat your—do her the favor?” (65:10)

---

Story Six: “Had car stolen; headshot stabbed into dashboard with knife” (69:00 – 75:12)

• Jay: “They had a picture of me stabbed in the dashboard... knife still in! They left it as a message.” (74:01)
• Panel relishes the imagined pettiness of vandalizing a comedian’s headshot.

---

Story Seven: “Kept money raised for charity” (78:36 – 86:25)

• Colum confesses: “We used to raise money for African kids. … but I started bringing pencils so I could erase the money.” (85:27)
• Jay: “Jews are always raising money—for themselves.” (80:23)
• Known as one of the most sociopathic bits, Colum proudly recounts robbing the charity outright.

---

Story Eight: “Black guy sat near my bag; wallet and collectible stolen” (88:19 – 96:02)

• Heavy discussion on racial guilt versus crime prevention.
• Ari: “I was like, I shouldn’t say anything. This would be really wrong if I said something. And I was wrong...but I was dead right.” (95:48)
• Jay: “Trust your instincts, folks. That’s the message.” (95:58)

---

3. Overtime Showdown (98:13 – End)

• Tie between Colum and Ari at 18 points each; sudden death round activated (99:05).
• Wagered points, then guess: Jordan's story is read.
• Story: “Found secret upstairs in a restaurant, had sex, stole massive painting by handing it out the side of the building.”
• Both Ari and Colum bet all 18; Colum guesses Lewis, Ari guesses Jordan—Ari wins.

---

Final Results & Takeaways

1. Winner: Ari Shaffir, after a come-from-behind overtime victory.

2. Notable Quotes:

   • “If we were killed, Tony, they would have been clapping until I spun around and showed my asshole.” – Jay (02:02)
   • “When you get caught doing a crime you didn’t do, the confidence you have—‘Search me, copper!’” – Colum (19:30)
   • “Jay’s headshot for back then was so infuriating that if I had a knife, I’d stab it into something.” – Lewis (73:21)
   • “Only a woman would be friends with somebody in a wheelchair.” – Jay (60:24)
   • “Trust your instincts. That’s the message.” – Jay (95:56)

3. Memorable Running Gags:

   • “First date anal”—became shorthand for extreme, zero-inhibition behavior (throughout).
   • Repeated jokes about Irish backwardness and Jay's days as a “wigger.”
   • The “anal girl” in the crowd, repeatedly cited as a mascot of wildness.

4. Game Dynamic:

   • Relentless blend of deception, trash talk, and over-sharing.
   • Panelists leverage knowledge of each others’ past, mannerisms, and, often, their deepest shames.
   • Points shift wildly, and both Colum and Ari make dramatic moves in the closing rounds.

---

Notable Segments & Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|---------------| | Game Explanation | 08:00–09:59 | | Story 1: Wrongful Arrest | 10:56–18:07 | | Story 2: False Murder Arrest | 21:03–27:44 | | Story 3: Dog Sold for Drug Money | 29:32–37:42 | | Story 4: Pharmacy Call / Sibling Save | 41:55–48:22 | | Story 5: Theft via Paralyzed Friend | 59:01–66:44 | | Story 6: Car Theft & Stabbed Headshot | 69:00–75:12 | | Story 7: Charity Theft | 78:36–86:25 | | Story 8: Black Guy & Stolen Collectible | 88:19–96:02 | | Overtime Story & Resolution | 98:13–End |

---

Tone & Appeal

The episode shines for fans of rapid-fire crowd work, dark personal anecdotes, and comedians constantly gambling with vulnerability and ridicule. The camaraderie, ruthless ribbing, and inside jokes make it feel like a raucous hangout—one where secrets are currency and nobody emerges unscathed. At the center is a chaotic but oddly honorable battle of wits, culminating with Ari’s narrow overtime win and a sense of mutual, battered respect among the panel.

Recommended if you like:

• Comedy panel shows steeped in personal storytelling
• Comedians playing “games” that devolve into competitive confessionals
• Irreverent, often edgy humor where nothing is off-limits

---

Listen for:

• Wild crime confessions (real and fake)
• Evolving game strategy and betrayals
• Instant classics like “First date poop shoot”
• The accidental wisdom of “Trust your instincts.”

Transcript

[A]

When it's time to scale your business,

[B]

it's time for Shopify.

[A]

Get everything you need to grow the way you want. Like all the way. Stack more sales with the best converting checkout on the planet. Track your cha chings from every channel right in one spot. And turn real time reporting into big time opportunities. Take your business to a whole new level.

[B]

Switch to Shopify.

[A]

Start your free trial today. What's up, story warriors? Come see me and Big J on the road on tour right now to do stand up comedy. This weekend I'll be in Detroit, Michigan at the Comedy Bar. Then I got Morris Plains, New Jersey, St. Catharines, Ontario, Toronto, Ontario and Fort Myers, Florida. Coming up, go to my website, LewisGangs.com to grab tickets for the Rattle Me this tour.

[C]

Oh, and I'm Big Jay Okerson. I also do comedy at places. Those places coming up are Orlando, Florida. Hello. What? Kansas City, Las Vegas. Wise Guys, Comedy connection, Providence. Ooh, Netflix is a joke festival. So many fun things happening there. Amongst that, Austin, Texas, mothership, as well as Stanford, Connecticut. Come see you on the road on the Greatest Yapper live tour. Get your [e-mail].

[D]

fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars with the story warriors. Big j. Okerson and lewis j. Gomez.

[C]

I think you guys are supposed to clap till the music stops. What's up, everybody? Welcome to the New York Comedy Club. Damn it all so much.

[A]

If we were killed, Tony, they would have been fucking clapping until I came up here and spun around, showed my asshole.

[C]

We have to sit here like this without the music and just keep going this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, guys, seriously. Okay.

[A]

Thank you. Sit down, please.

[C]

Guys, we have to get started if you don't mind. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to story wars at our new home. Well, our long term home now, the New York Comedy Club. I'm Big J Okerson. That is the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

Hey, thank you. Thank you, guys. This is black me.

[C]

You wish, Bluis.

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

Security, remove this guy. Remove this guy who can see really well. He goes. I'm just way more jacked.

[C]

Yes, well, jacked.

[A]

I wouldn't call you jacked, sir. Calm down.

[C]

I know about way more jacked. But Louis. Yeah, I mean, you don't like dressed like that.

[A]

Like that.

[C]

Yeah. You wouldn't wear like tight.

[A]

I just feel like it's a similar facial structure. We're both bald. It's a whole thing.

[C]

You were looking for Camaraderie. And he did not want to be associated with you. That's what happened. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? Huh? Give me some.

[A]

And how many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars? She said a her. Thank you, miss. Never let your friends sit here and pretend to be familiar with Story Wars.

[C]

If you are unfamiliar with the game. It's your first time listening at home. We will explain it after we get our esteemed panel of contestants up here. We have a great one tonight. You came on a very good night. Our first contestant with a record of.03 here at Story Wars. He's like me. He's bad like me. You know, from the Cockfight podcast. How about some noise for the hilarious column? Darrell, make some noise.

[A]

Colin, we are very happy to have you back here on Story Awards. You've never won, but you always come out. You're a spirited competitor.

[D]

Yeah, I give it gusto. I definitely. I played a game. I've been wrong every single time. I've ran out of. I've ran out of ideas. Because at first I used to follow my gut. That was terrible. Then I started trying to ask people directly, are you lying? And that you would say, no. And then you lied to me.

[C]

Now I'm not.

[D]

I'm gonna ask the audience

[A]

every time.

[D]

A new tactic every time. You guys can make me write anything. It doesn't even have to be their names. I'll write anything you say.

[A]

Our next competitor on tonight's show with a record of one and one. So this is a former Story Warrior, brand new Netflix special, Jordan Jensen, take me with you. And from the Being in with with Jordan podcast. Clap it. Apples lattice can for Jordan Jensen.

[C]

You. You know, Jordan, welcome. Why can't we. What?

[B]

I don't like that we can see them so well. Why?

[C]

They're lovely.

[B]

We don't even need this.

[A]

Jordan.

[C]

I was looking yesterday. I was on Instagram and I saw our friend Josh. Adam Myers posted. He actually got new headshots or promotional pictures and he posted a whole run of them. Just posted himself pictures of himself, like smiling and this and black and whites. And I. And I made fun of it so much. I'm like, what asshole posts all their new promotional pictures. Jordan did that today. A nice 20 picture, by the way. She looks fantastic.

[A]

Whatever.

[B]

Those are not promotional. Those were. A photographer was like, I'll take these. And then I was like. She was like, collab, and I'll do this for free. And she's like a fashion lady. And I was like, no problem. And then she put them up and I was like, these are so sincere. So all day I've been spiraling. And then Josh Adam Myers sent the message where he was like, we're basically the same person. Which made me tie a noose around my neck.

[D]

Pretty, pretty cool photos, Jordan.

[C]

So it wasn't tacky. It was cheap. You're being cheap. That's fair. That works. That's better. That's better. Our third contestant. Very, very exciting. Oh, this is why you came on a good night. Because he's back, everyone. With a record of 1 and 2. His new show, the End, is going to be premiering very, very soon. A new storytelling show. How about it for the legend Ari Shafir?

[A]

Jew. Jew.

[D]

Jew.

[C]

Jew.

[A]

Oh, Ari.

[C]

Jew.

[A]

Since you've been gone, that meaning has changed. Now when a room of people start chanting Jew, you need to run. Okay.

[C]

They're not with you this time.

[D]

APAC has fallen.

[E]

Everything swishes have been gone.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

This is crazy. This completely changed. You got your first and second black fans.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Wow, what a difference.

[A]

A year mix Black Lewis blew us.

[C]

Oh, well, one of them actually works for us, so it doesn't count one, but one new one. It's pretty exciting.

[E]

How are you guys? Good to be here. It's been a while.

[C]

Oh, man, we are excited to have you here. If it is your first time listening to Story wars at home or your first time here and you were just confused by a full room Jew chant,

[E]

can I just add, don't know what that was and I did not like it.

[C]

If you're unfamiliar with the game, it is very, very simple. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic, crime.

[A]

Nice. Mysterious.

[C]

Our lovely producer Alex is going to take eight of those stories and read them at random one at a time. It will appear here on the screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, that's the opportunity where you can get the most points. Okay? Once you put your answer on the dry erase board, Put the dry erase board in the slide right here and remove your hand. That's it. That is your final answer. And I'll tell you right now. Hey, lady, I know this seems like it's going to be a lot of fun, but we don't just play for fun here, do we, Jay?

[C]

Nope. Every week here on Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner will take home the Boy Scouts Handbook. The first edition 1911. Written firsthand by the Boy Scouts of America, The Boy Scouts Handbook lays out the original version of Boy Scouting over a hundred years ago. Used as a way to build character, discipline, and practical life skills in young boys, it introduces the core values of the Boy Scouts, all framed through clear, direct instruction meant to shape responsible adults. Boy Scouts Handbook could be yours.

[A]

They even have old ads. Look. This is an ad for Shredded Wheat.

[C]

Nice. It still exists though, by the way.

[A]

That's pretty crazy.

[C]

The Boy Scouts molestation and Shredded wheat going for 100 plus years. Hell, yes. I think everybody who's going to get it, gets it. And if not, you'll pick it up along the way.

[D]

I actually. I actually want this. It says Boy Scout, Jordan, not Girl Scout. That's true. That doesn't make column.

[C]

Was a Brownie. Colin was a Brownie when he was younger. Jordan.

[A]

Hold on. You need to talk under the microphone. She goes, I don't need to. It's. We're recording it. It's not just for the people in the room.

[C]

Oh, right, yeah.

[B]

Where's the kid? Oh, there it is. He had it.

[C]

I think this crowd might be right. You guys ready for war?

[A]

Come on, New York comedy club. Are you ready for war?

[C]

Thank you, Roots.

[A]

The roots are back.

[C]

The roots are back. Off camera. Still. Still. Can't afford them on camera, Alex. Let's get this motherfucker started. Story number one.

[E]

Wait, hold on. You got sound effects to step it back? Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Story number one. I was arrested and held in jail for crashing a vehicle into my high school. A crime I did not commit.

[C]

Huh.

[A]

Let's see.

[C]

Well, it says high school. That makes me. Colm didn't grow up. He's overseas. So his. It was probably called like secondary school or something.

[D]

I didn't have school, J. We just fought each other on the street, on the planes. I'm the last person claiming named my mother.

[C]

He was in the high plains. He would fight upon steeds.

[D]

I had to chop the head off. Highlander.

[A]

Do they have high school in Ireland?

[D]

We do have school. It is called secondary school.

[A]

But you don't call it high school.

[D]

We don't call it high school.

[E]

Do they have Vehicles in your shire.

[D]

What is this vehicle? Is it a magic horse?

[C]

When your father would come home from playing the loot all day through town?

[B]

Yeah, but it does say vehicle, not car. So it could be a little cart pulled by a little.

[D]

It could be a little tuk tuk.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Every time I come on this show, you think I'm from the 1500s. I was thrown in jail with a leper and a Protestant.

[C]

No, I think it's because of your face.

[B]

It's because of your face shape.

[A]

He was.

[E]

He was getting home. He was getting home from school like this.

[C]

It's not you column. It's that you come from a place that we think hasn't developed since 1950.

[B]

No hospital space.

[C]

Yeah. You still have turn knob TV.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think this is something that Ari would do that he would get blamed for. That's why I think it's him again.

[D]

Evidently.

[C]

I don't think Ari's ever been arrested.

[E]

I don't think. Dude, I go on the other side of jails. But it does say held. I would have gotten out, not supposed.

[A]

And held in jail.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, arrested. His handcuffs, they bring you down to the station.

[C]

I don't think that happened to Ari in high school.

[A]

I can see this happening.

[C]

He was a Jesuit priest. Ari was like an exorcist in high school.

[E]

I was an exorcist. Assistant. Yeah, yeah. Was assistant to the exorcist.

[D]

Jordan, I gotta think, Lewis, being a minority, you are most likely to be accused of a crime you did not commit.

[A]

Not.

[B]

You guys are in it too. Okay. That changes everything thing.

[C]

Jordan Dam. I thought maybe Jordan, for a second.

[E]

Jordan feels like she got arrested the most out of all of us. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Jordan has. I just got arrested. Hair.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Have you been arrested more than once?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Have you ever been falsely accused of a crime?

[B]

Yeah, once, but I was 8.

[A]

What was the crime?

[C]

Rape?

[A]

Murder.

[B]

That was one that I was. They thought I stole from a farmer's market. Like thousands of dollars.

[E]

And where'd you actually steal it from?

[B]

I didn't get it.

[E]

I didn't.

[B]

There was no. I didn't have it on me.

[C]

The farmers market has thousands of dollars moving around.

[D]

Eight years old, loose fruit. They're very expensive eggs.

[B]

And then I did a whole comedy bit for the cop being like, what do you think? My arms are made of rubber. And I did this whole act out as an eight year old now.

[D]

Eight years old.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Sitting on a stool, smoking.

[B]

I said the N word. Yeah.

[C]

Nice. Nice. Edgy at that age is rare.

[B]

Yeah, I was arrested in high school. Okay, but you would be most likely profiled because you're whatever the you are.

[C]

Yeah, this seems so, Louis, but you seems lousy.

[B]

Were you goth as a kid, Jay?

[C]

No, but I was also. My school had a fence around it. You couldn't have crashed into the school.

[A]

He was a wigger.

[E]

Interesting.

[B]

Was he a wigger?

[A]

He was a wig.

[B]

It could have been you then.

[E]

I'll just tell you this. I shouldn't keep saying these things, but Jewish schools generally have massive blockades around them like. Like, they get these giant boulders put in, like, just less than a car drivable.

[C]

Well, so do black schools like I went to. They also have a fence around them. But you couldn't have crashed into the school. You'd have to crash into the fence. Hard to get into the schoolyard and then maybe start approaching the school building.

[E]

Lewis is the most likely to have done something and somehow found a way in his head to go.

[A]

I didn't do that.

[E]

I was set up. I was just in the driver's.

[A]

Listen, June, I want to say you.

[D]

Sounds like Ari is. Is lying now.

[A]

I don't think. I don't think Ari. When he was in high school, he was like, a, like, strict Jewish family. Jordan's got problems. She's a woman. She can't drive. This seems, like, all, like, obvious. Obviously a Jordan story.

[C]

It seems obvious, Lewis.

[D]

Everyone in Europe drives stick.

[B]

A stick? Like a rock and a stick.

[D]

Is that not what you mean? Protestants?

[C]

I took my driving test on a st.

[B]

Stick.

[C]

I drove a stick. Yeah, I drove stick. Well, until the thing that we all

[D]

got, like, couldn't let the joke go. I could drive stick.

[C]

We're also men, Jordan.

[A]

I can't drive stick.

[C]

Oh, who should I check, huh? Who brought the broad?

[D]

All right, I need. Who should I vote for? I'm asking the audience here.

[A]

Is it every time. You're asking the audience? Me?

[C]

Yeah. I think, Joy. It's Lewis or Jordan.

[A]

They said every name.

[E]

Why do they all think J? They all say J. How do you spell J?

[A]

What?

[E]

Oh. How do you spell Lewis? She's never seen your name in writing, Louis.

[A]

Idiots.

[C]

Well, enough people guessed you. Who says 100% J? Bet your anal virginity on it, dum dum.

[A]

You think she's an anal virgin? Look at that face. She's a first date poop shoot.

[C]

Yeah, that chick definitely loves. Love it in the can. All right, take it all back.

[B]

You just elbowed your girlfriend when he said first date poop shoot. Your wife.

[E]

Okay, yeah, you put a ring on that.

[B]

He just outed her out on camera. He was like, first date poop shoot. And he was like, that's you, babe. That's you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy.

[C]

You do first date anal. You wipe that up.

[A]

That's.

[D]

That's how you get married, yo.

[B]

That's first day anal is crazy.

[C]

That's why you're lonely.

[D]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[E]

First date analytics, crazy.

[B]

Did you have a little yeast infection going on? Because then that's clutch.

[D]

You tried everything.

[A]

This is really the story. It's insane.

[D]

It's gotta feel big.

[C]

She went, no holes barred. Now they're together forever.

[B]

No holes. No holes barred.

[A]

Turkey. Okay, Alex, all of her answers are in.

[F]

All right, Story number one belongs to column Turrell.

[A]

No way. No way.

[C]

Wow. Wait a second. Is it called high school and you just went with my secondary school thing?

[D]

It is called secondary school, but I wrote high school knowing that you guys don't play in the game.

[A]

Playing the high level story wars action right there.

[B]

I gotta go instinct. That was my instinct.

[D]

You gotta go instinct.

[A]

So what. What. What happened here? What? You were falsely accused?

[D]

Yeah. There was an. There was a huge, big alleyway near my school that we would all hang out in. And then one night, me and my friends were hanging out, and then two of my other friends, we had a big crash coming from within the high school. And then two of my friends jumped over the wall and they said that they stole a jcb. You know, like a. Like a digger, like a excavator.

[A]

And they keep on saying words. I don't know every single thing that he said. I don't know what it does.

[C]

A battery mash.

[D]

You mean a hammer car. You know, a smashing machine. But the cop showed up, the police, the guard showed up, and they crashed. And then they got chased over the wall and they ran off. But we. I was wearing the same tracksuit, the same color tracksuit as one of my.

[A]

Of course you were.

[D]

Yeah, so we were. Me and my buddy were both wearing the exact same color track.

[C]

Dance class. No, we're.

[D]

It's cool to wear tracksuits when you're 16.

[A]

They had a. They had to beat up other kids who liked a different soccer team.

[D]

Now we. That was. That was. We were wearing drip. Nice track tracksuit, no shirt underneath. I don't mind that fake chain. That's as sexy as it gets. The cop showed up and they said, we saw you guys running away, but they did not. I was Innocent for once.

[A]

And did you get out of it?

[D]

Yeah, they had. There was. There was nothing they could do. They said they took fingerprints and they said there was, like, no fingerprints on the thing. But it's funny, when you get caught doing a crime that you didn't do, the confidence you have, guys, you go fucking search me, copper. I'll be out by noon. I'll be back on the street.

[C]

That's the confidence that they ever hear. The West Memphis three, those three kids that went to jail for that, that's what they. When they first got arrested, they were like, this rules, dude. I'm the Boogeyman. And they were like, you're getting executed. He goes, wait, no, but we didn't do it, though. No, we thought that was going to come out eventually, that we didn't do it. Oh, shit.

[A]

I'm the Boogeyman.

[C]

That's literally what he said. He goes, I'm the Boogeyman. And then they got found guilty, and they're like, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought I was being funny because we didn't do it.

[A]

Alex, one story down, where are our points at?

[F]

All right? In first place with four points for the first time in Story wars history. Column two.

[D]

Yes. Don't don't it up. Don't it up.

[C]

Has Columne now officially already beat the lowest score ever that he had, I believe, possibly true?

[F]

Give us a second to check on it?

[D]

No, let's just. Let's just move on with the game.

[B]

Your voice cracked.

[D]

No, let's pull up a highlight reel of the times I sucked.

[E]

What's his record? How many losses?

[A]

0 and 3.

[E]

0 and 3. Damn.

[C]

Alex.

[A]

Story number two.

[D]

That changes tonight.

[F]

Story number two. I got arrested because a cop thought I had killed someone because I looked like I had killed someone.

[A]

Jordan.

[B]

What the.

[A]

I call her.

[D]

Jordan's often covered in blood.

[B]

I mean, it was me.

[C]

It is her.

[E]

A cop thought I had killed someone because I looked like I had killed someone.

[B]

It's written like a retard. I think it's Lewis again already.

[C]

I don't think you've really been arrested, but you look like you've killed someone right now, but you don't, like, necessarily remember it. What?

[D]

How does someone look like they killed someone?

[A]

Like that?

[D]

Like, yeah, this, this.

[E]

I got followed at a CVS yesterday. I was talking in front of my dad, and then I turn around this time. This, like, security guards just looking. I'm like, oh, no, I'm not. I'm gonna buy. He just thought it Was full homeless.

[B]

How are you talking to your dad?

[E]

Yeah, a little bit wild with the earbuds in. So I was like, not. Well, that's how she is.

[C]

Security guard was like, fucking bath salts.

[E]

Let's go, let's go.

[C]

I'll get this guy out of here before he starts eating me.

[A]

Yeah, it looked like I killed somebody.

[E]

That they fully arrested them, though.

[C]

Again, I feel like I would know this about Lewis, but have you. If he was held. If he was arrested, but again, arrested for something, you killed someone because maybe

[E]

they had blood on them from someone else.

[C]

That's a major story, Jordan. Apparently, she's like, another murder. Arrest, whatever.

[B]

No, I think you could look like

[A]

a suspect racist once again.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, you picked crime is Jordan.

[A]

We picked something else. And Jordan said, no, I'm not going to do that topic. And then we let you pick the topic.

[B]

We'll do anything for you, Jordan.

[A]

We're doing oh, you dirty.

[E]

She was like, I cannot believe they chose that other topic. Can you believe it? And I was like, are we Taylor Swifting now?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And then I was like, oh, my

[B]

God, that topic sucked.

[A]

It was a good topic, guys.

[B]

No, it's not a good. Okay, we'll talk about it later.

[E]

She also said, how about crime? And I'm like, jordan, no one cares.

[B]

I cared.

[A]

She cared. She wanted.

[B]

I have to win.

[A]

Jordan was a straight up diva. To get her on the show tonight, I was dealing with behind the scenes.

[B]

I did. I had sex waiting for me. And I was like, I don't want to do that topic. And then you're like, we'll do anything. And I was like, all right.

[C]

Somebody saw the new photo shoot. All right.

[E]

It does suck when your one excuse is like, all right, I should have done with the truth. I don't want to do it.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know.

[E]

I don't like a topic.

[B]

Like.

[E]

Then we'll change the topic.

[A]

Like, yeah, out of everyone on this panel, Jordan and Ari look like they could have killed somebody. They look like they could kill somebody together. Actually, you guys look terrifying.

[E]

I would say.

[B]

Yeah, but I don't think it's about terror. I think it's about suspect.

[D]

It's gotta be. You guys look, like, covered in blood. There's no. I can't think of.

[E]

Gotta be covered in blood.

[D]

I can't think of any other situation.

[B]

Why are you not. Why are you not thinking of a picture? I'm imagining a mug shot.

[D]

Oh, you're saying you look. They looked like someone who was wanted for murder.

[C]

Lewis the easiest to draw.

[B]

Yeah, I think that is what I'm thinking.

[E]

Who would be most obsessed with how they looked like? You know, like thinking about themselves. Vain young Jay. The most vain.

[B]

Why would they be thinking about it?

[E]

No one ever thinks about what they. They look like themselves. It's just about the cop cared.

[C]

Yeah, the I never look like I killed someone.

[B]

Said you look like that picture there.

[C]

Even in my most. Even in my most FUBU jersey, I still had a little cherubic smile.

[B]

The eyelashes.

[A]

Ari and Jordan look like a couple from the 40s who saw a flying saucer once.

[B]

Yeah,

[C]

they don't talk about it all the time, but if you get them talking about it, they'll go, yeah,

[D]

right there.

[B]

There is a culty. There's a LSD cult.

[A]

I think. I mean, look, I think Jordan looks like a lunatic. I'm going with Jordan again here.

[D]

We going for people. You got. You were wrong the last time.

[C]

I thought Lewis.

[D]

Could be Louis.

[A]

A lot of people going for Jordan. Everybody, everyone went for Jordan except Jordan. Well, hold on, Jay. Jay has not let his hand go.

[D]

Ari smiling.

[A]

And he let it go.

[E]

He let his go. He let it go.

[A]

Aria smiling.

[E]

I'm having a good time with friends

[A]

again after a while.

[E]

You got your white, 3/4 black people here. It's fucking cool here now, man. I left Bane back.

[A]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[F]

Story number two belongs to Jordan Jensen.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

God damn it.

[D]

Jordan Jensen.

[E]

Nailed it right away. Your denial was crazy.

[B]

What is it about me? Girls are dumb.

[D]

Girls are stupid.

[B]

Brush my hair. I was covered in what looked like blood.

[C]

What was it?

[B]

Paint.

[C]

Oh, all right.

[B]

Paint. And I had an axe. And I had a lot of cash.

[E]

What?

[B]

And I had a. Like a bag of wigs for fun.

[C]

You coming home from the lumberjack Olympics.

[B]

I would put the wigs on as a bit because I was in the Adirondacks and I was kind of going in insane. And I was doing construction. I was painting a barn red and I had the axe because I had to make fires. And then I had the wigs for my own entertainment because I would put the wigs on and go in the gas station as a different person every time, but with the same face, which I thought was really funny. And then they pulled me over for a suspended license. And then they were like, oh, you killed somebody. There's an ax, there's blood. And he was all shaky and stoked and I couldn't stop laughing.

[A]

So you seemed maniacal because he kept

[B]

pulling shit out like I was Also an environmental studies. I was also an environmental studies major, so I had these syringes for taking water samples. And he was like, are you serious? And I was like, dude, I swear to God. And I had a sling, like a military grade slingshot for the woodchucks that would eat the garden. And he was like, what is this? And I was like, it's for the woodchucks.

[C]

We have military grade slingshots.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

In case we have to fight a giant.

[A]

They're so sick in Arab giants.

[C]

Right, right.

[B]

And pigtails. That didn't help.

[A]

Too real. All right. Wow. That story was incredible.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I think that's the first time I've ever gotten someone correct.

[E]

Really?

[B]

Really?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

First time ever come playing a perfect game so far.

[D]

I'm not here to play. I'm not here to play hurt.

[C]

You're here to win.

[E]

Her denial was hard. She went immediately like, I thought I

[B]

did a good job. I was like, evidently not. Yeah, you're right. Is there something I could do better with my appearance?

[C]

Yeah. Don't walk around with an ax, whistling, laughing, and covered in red.

[B]

I'm saying right now that you all guessed me.

[C]

Oh.

[E]

Oh.

[D]

Like, sometimes.

[B]

Is it just a vibe?

[A]

You look like you cut your hair while you're crying.

[B]

I do. When else would I cut it?

[C]

I feel like you're the per. A person who everyone thought would, like, could passively have that story. Like, I would know if that happened to Ari Lewis for sure. Probably column. It would be something that we would lead with a lot. That time I was arrested for murder.

[A]

Alex, where are points at all?

[F]

Right? In last place with zero points, Jordan Jensen.

[B]

How did I get bad for. I didn't guess wrong. It's a long game.

[E]

It's a long game. It's a long game.

[B]

Thank you. That does help.

[F]

Tied for second place with two points each, Louis J. Gomez, Big J. Okerson and Ari Shafir. And in the lead with six points, Colm Turrell.

[D]

That's my newest. That's my new high score.

[C]

That might be your new high score, Alex. Story number three.

[F]

Story number three. That's so my uncle once sold my grandma's elderly dog for drug money.

[A]

Jane, Who doesn't have an uncle who once sold his grandma's elderly dog? I'm kidding.

[C]

I want to go gut. Everyone in your family was a piece of.

[A]

Not everyone. That's why not my grandma.

[C]

That's why you're the hero of your family and you're just kind of a piece of

[B]

Lewis. He says elderly.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You say that word.

[C]

She got you, dude. Dead to rights.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Lock it in. We all go.

[C]

Old dogs.

[B]

If you say old dog, you would say elderly.

[E]

I would say Puerto Rico's are not.

[A]

I mean, I have, I have. All of my uncles are drug addicts. Yeah, but I think that's everyone's uncles.

[C]

Nope, just one of mine are nice.

[B]

Just one sweet, sweet people.

[C]

Uncle Mark, God rest his soul, didn't die from drugs.

[A]

Weird.

[E]

My uncle's an art collector.

[C]

Yeah, classic.

[A]

You don't have one piece of. Drug addict uncle.

[C]

Yeah, he sold the dog for a Monet.

[A]

Colin, what about you?

[D]

No, yeah, I don't have any drug related family members, anybody. No, no. Really, it's not an Irish thing. It's more of a.

[C]

It's drinking problems.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[A]

That's not true, is it? Train spotting.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Train spotting. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, how about this?

[C]

Nobody's getting rid of a dog where he comes from. That's how they keep the gypsies away.

[D]

He got rid of dinner.

[E]

They bark if the were rabbit comes.

[A]

I mean, could this be. Big J, did your grandma have a dog? No.

[C]

I say, whoa. I say a thousand times in my act, my dog now is my first dog I've ever had.

[A]

That's not true.

[C]

Well, Coconut wasn't my.

[A]

You had another dog? For a week, you had another dog. I just.

[C]

For a week.

[A]

I just caught you in a lie.

[C]

No, the only dog I've ever taken is. I didn't grow up with any dogs at all. That's why I didn't give a. About dogs. Remember when you had your dog and I was like, this thing sucks.

[E]

Oh, yeah, you were like that.

[C]

I wouldn't have been like that had I grown up with a dog that I thought was sweet.

[A]

To be fair, Sport did suck.

[C]

Sports sucks. God rest his soul.

[A]

RIP Sport.

[C]

RIP Sport. And Uncle Mark.

[A]

Sports. Sports running around destroying God's license right now.

[C]

Oh, my God. Sport.

[B]

Sport.

[C]

Sport. He'll come back, Sport. Man, God seems frazzled with this Jack Russell.

[A]

God's losing his mind.

[C]

No, no, he's a good goal, Sport. No, he'll listen. He'll come back.

[A]

Sport. Sports destroying heaven.

[C]

Sport. We went to Lewis's apartment one time back in Queens. He opened his door and Sport ran out and hauled ass down the street. I mean towards a highway. And vanished. While Lewis screamed, Sport. And then he kept screaming Sport. And Sport starts. You start hearing like. He starts coming up and he comes over the ridge and he goes, here he goes, good boy, Sport. And Then Sport just ran past us and towards the highway, the other direction, until we lost him again. He was not paying attention to Lewis whatsoever. That dog stayed. Getting, though.

[E]

I don't know.

[A]

I'm getting. I'm getting.

[D]

It could be Jordan again. It could be Jordan.

[E]

Column's been quiet too.

[D]

I'm trying to figure out who it is.

[C]

Oh, this made me think.

[D]

It's Ari, not me. It's not me.

[A]

I don't think this is Ari.

[D]

It's. It can't be Ari. The. The. The Jew community is too. He would have got more money.

[B]

He would have said old. It's all the word elderly.

[D]

You could be right. You kind of.

[A]

I just know that you've had dogs

[D]

before and I know. Yeah, you're all kind of coconut.

[C]

That's my dog. My grandmother never had a dog. I didn't grow up with dogs at all.

[A]

Is it because I have a dog? Because your uncle sold her for drug money?

[C]

Why am I engaging you? Here we go. Right, Louis. Ari.

[A]

All right. Big J is my answer.

[C]

My grandma's elderly.

[E]

Big J is your answer?

[A]

Yes, Big J is my answer.

[E]

Why don't I think Kahlo?

[A]

I don't think, Colin.

[E]

Why not?

[D]

Yeah, why not?

[C]

Oh, that's a slick move, I think. I tell you, he doesn't think it's somebody else.

[A]

This is a lot of acting right now. You're letting Big J act the. Out of you, dude. Ari.

[C]

Ari. Ari, look at me.

[B]

Oh, no.

[E]

Yeah, I'm looking at you. What?

[C]

Come this way. I did. You know, my dog is my. I never grew up.

[E]

It's not your dog. It's your grandmother's elderly dog.

[C]

She had no dog. My grandmother had anything like your father. I was her dog.

[D]

She might have.

[A]

Did you get. But you were a good boy.

[C]

I was a good boy.

[D]

She might have. She probably just got the dog. And then, like, day one, the uncle

[C]

said, yoink, she just bought an elderly dog.

[D]

I didn't read that part.

[A]

Some people do that. You ever met a person who gets an elderly pet? Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're just there for the death part.

[E]

Colin, why haven't you written anything yet?

[D]

I wrote Jay, but I've changed my mind.

[E]

Interesting.

[C]

No, keep it.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

Oh,

[D]

who should I vote for? A guy in the blue hair, you're saying Jay, if I'm. I'm gonna beat the out of you. It's my first time. This is my first time. In the loot. In the loot.

[A]

The lewd.

[C]

You heard me.

[D]

Go and Jay I locked it in.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Good. Good.

[A]

Ari. Ari,

[C]

That's a good move.

[A]

You let Jay just pull ahead very much.

[C]

I want you know something, and I want you to believe this. When this is over.

[E]

What?

[C]

I'm really happy you're back.

[B]

No way.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want you to know that's how you can trust me.

[A]

Alex. All of her answers are in.

[F]

Story number three. Belongs to Louis Jay Gomez.

[E]

Jay, I. I'll trust you from here on out.

[A]

You. It was my. My Uncle Raymond. He would show. Show up in and out of my life every couple years. He was always in and out of jail. And then we had a dog named Lady.

[C]

He had a couple crazy stories. Uncle Raymond.

[A]

A bunch of crazy stories. Uncle Raymond.

[C]

Something out of your house or something?

[A]

No. No. One time I was. My uncle was, like, in great shape, and then I was standing on my. My aunt's front porch and I saw him run by and I was like, oh, weird. That's great. I was like, he's working out. What a badass. And then a second later, I saw another guy who was the uncle of the guy who would bully me, chasing him down the street, and he was just running away from another guy.

[C]

Your whole family was bullied by a different family. And then his aunt came out who used to beat the shit out of my mom.

[A]

Oh, it was brutal. But, yeah, he. He was there for like a week. And then our dog, lady, who's just like this older, fat, chubby dog, she was just gone. And he had more crack somehow.

[E]

So.

[A]

Yeah, we never officially proved it, but everyone just believes that Uncle Raymond sold. Sold Aunt Emery's dog for crack.

[B]

It's probably a better home for a lady.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Uncle Raymond's probably way dead, right?

[A]

No. Oh, he hit me up through my website like a year ago.

[C]

Can I borrow your dog? Hey, dude, you up? Can I borrow your dog?

[A]

All right, where are points at, Alex?

[F]

All right, in last place with two points, Jordan Jensen.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

In the game. In the game.

[F]

In fourth place with three points, Luis J. Gomez. Tied for second place with four points each, Big J Okerson and Ari Shafir. And in the lead with six points, Colm Turrell.

[D]

I'm still here.

[C]

We're crumbling.

[E]

The pressure is going to be getting to you.

[D]

Now I'm freaking out. Yeah, I'm not handling this well at all. I mean, you were wrong, you fucking idiot. You dumb fuck. Obviously it was Louis.

[C]

Hey, story warriors, let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here at the show. And that is Chubbies. Let's talk about Chubbies. They are the best wrinkle resistant all day long, fresh looking shorts that you could possibly wear.

[A]

They have amazing bathing suits as well. The summer's coming up. I'm opening my pool right now as we speak. So I'm gonna be in my backyard wearing my nice short, short Chubbies, showing off my fucking sexy ass thighs for all the ladies.

[C]

Yeah, they have hoodies, jackets and stretch pants which everyone now knows. I love a nice pair of stretch pants.

[A]

Chubby's also has you covered on the golf course if you play golf. So you can check out their line of performance pants, polos and hats. Incredible, incredible company short. They started with shorts, but now they have so many different things. For a limited time, Chubby's is giving story wars fans off with promo code wars W A R z@chubby shorts.com Once again, that's 20 off your entire order@chubby shorts.com with promo code wars with a Z. W A R Z.

[C]

Let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here. You know them and you love them. It is sheath underwear, our favorite for so many reasons. The biggest reason, two pouches. One for your dick, one for your balls. And now they have new seasonal colors and patterns in the same amazing material. They have been branching out for years now. Sheath underwear is the best underwear in the business right now. Even if you don't understand as I didn't, the dick and ball pouch technology, it has become such a major part of my life.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I finally look good in underwear. Usually my underwear are all stretched out and fucked up and I got a flat dick. It looks like I have like a Ken doll dick. Not with sheath underwear.

[C]

Yeah, this one enhances. If you go right down to sheathunderwear.com and use the code wars with a Z, you're going to get 20% off your first order. Plus you get sheath underwear's 100% money back guarantee. One more time at sheathunderwear.com promo code wars with a Z. Check them out today. You will thank us later. Your dick and balls will thank us now.

[A]

All right, let's take a quick moment to thank our brand new sponsor, which is the perfect Gene. Soy Warriors. It's in the name, right? You don't want to have shitty crush nut saggy butt jeans. The perfect Gene is genuinely the perfect jean. They fit great, they don't shave, then they stretch with you. Your perfect jeans are comfy enough to be moving all day and out all night. Skinn Tall, short, whatever you need. Waist sizes up to 50 as well, and lengths up to 38 inches. So if you're a giant, you can get the perfect gene.

[C]

Yeah, my fungal. That's a big. I take a 58. 30. 50, 38. Jesus age Christ. Stop listening to this show and figure something out. They don't just stop at jeans, by the way. They also have joggers, khakis, polos, organic cotton tees. Everything you could need to look sharp and feel great in your clothes. Plus free returns and exchanges. That's right, ladies, listen up. That's girl talk right there.

[A]

For a limited time, Story wars fans are going to get 15 off their first order, plus free shipping at the perfect gene. Dot nyc. That is the perfect gene nyc. Or you can just simply Google the perfect gene. You'll find them. And make sure you use that promo code, Wars Warz 15. War Z. 15 for 15 off today. Once again, the perfect gene. All right, where were we? Alex? Story number four.

[F]

Story number four. In middle school, a pharmacy called my house about a theft I had committed. My sibling intercepted the call and pretended to be my parent, which saved me. I tried to deny it to my sibling, but they knew the exact product that I had stolen.

[C]

This could be Lewis again because his

[E]

sister's older than him and his sister's cool.

[B]

It's too many words for Lewis.

[E]

It's a

[C]

committed with both double M

[A]

and T. That's a good point.

[C]

You're right.

[B]

Okay, here's the thing. Last time we said, does Colm have siblings? And remember, he was like, I never had. I never. I don't have siblings. Does anybody know for sure if he has siblings?

[A]

Right.

[D]

All right, he.

[B]

We were here.

[A]

Wait, no, he had. He has a brother because we're at his wedding. His brother was there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

You have a.

[D]

A sister, cuz you talk about her all the time.

[C]

He does.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Ari has siblings cuz he's.

[A]

They can only create one of them. Too many of them in the planet.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Jordan has a sister. Jordan has a sister.

[A]

Big J's siblings are substantially younger than him.

[E]

I had committed. I had committed.

[C]

Yeah, if my. One of my siblings pretended to be my parent, it would sound hilarious.

[B]

Hey, mister.

[C]

Hi, sir. Huh? Do you want to play Pharmacy a pharma.

[D]

This is Jordan now a pharmacy.

[B]

I know it's him.

[D]

You stole Tempons.

[B]

Quit doing that, man.

[C]

Yeah, Jordan does seem like a. Well, Lewis was a thief.

[B]

Like your vagina probably stole something.

[C]

Lewis was a thief. School that.

[E]

A pharmacy called my house called A pharmacy.

[D]

A pharmacy.

[C]

You have a sister, Ari? I have everything he's got like a older one.

[E]

Older one old.

[D]

You got anything, Jay does Jay have?

[C]

Very much younger than me. My first next sibling to me is 11 years younger than 15 to 19 years younger.

[E]

What about older?

[C]

Not older? I'm the only one. Yeah.

[E]

What was your younger sister? How young?

[C]

My youngest is 19 years younger than me.

[E]

So that you had. No. In middle school.

[C]

You had no siblings in middle school? No. Maybe my first one when I was 11.

[A]

So he had a two year old brother.

[C]

Your son was caught stealing.

[E]

You're saying you don't care?

[C]

I do this now. I do this. This

[A]

pharmacy. Do they have pharmacies in Ireland?

[B]

All right, do you have a sibling?

[D]

We have chemists.

[E]

I got older sister, younger brother and way younger sister. But she wouldn't have been.

[A]

How old is your youngest sister?

[E]

Like, I don't know, like old. Like a full adult.

[A]

She's a full grown adult now.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

She's about to be a grandma.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Grandma.

[C]

No. Yeah, yeah. Guilt.

[E]

Dude. I grew up Jewish.

[A]

I can see this being Jordan again.

[E]

See it being Jordan.

[A]

Just stealing from a pharmacy seems like a very.

[B]

But I got away with it.

[E]

Also a theft I had committed.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yep. There is only one person this story can be. The architect of chaos.

[D]

No, Ari, it's very worthy share. It is worthy.

[C]

Fear.

[A]

What do you think? What type of. What do you think? He was stealing from a pharmacy? No. Shrinking medication.

[B]

Cash.

[D]

He stole cash?

[C]

No, he was still proud then.

[A]

No, you can't change it.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Jordan. Why do you think, Ari. Big J, he gave her the speech.

[C]

Well, Ari, I don't have a better reason other than the fact that I have had to stand by idly and awkwardly while Ari stolen a lot of things in front of of me.

[E]

That is true. That is true.

[C]

He's stolen things. He's stolen big things and throwing them in my trunk and been like, don't be weird. And then I am weird. I'm weird the entire time. Every headlights behind us I'm pretty sure is the cops that are coming to take us away for stealing.

[E]

Why are you always weird about it? I get away with it.

[C]

Piles of firewood right from in front of a 7:11 just starts throwing them in the trunk. Well, these are ours now.

[A]

He doesn't even have a fireplace.

[E]

From nature. It's from nature. That is true.

[C]

You can't charge for nature.

[E]

They're out there.

[C]

Why are they outside?

[E]

Yeah,

[C]

that's why.

[E]

Dude, I was at a Phillies game with. With Shane. And he was buying all this merch and then. And then he was like, oh, you want me to get that? And I was like. He goes, oh, you're stealing it? I was like, yeah, I thought I was a fanatics hat.

[C]

He's got the itch. He gets the itch.

[D]

That's why Ari hates the Phillies. And there he is stealing their gear.

[E]

No, it's for the rest of the game. I'm gonna go with those two.

[C]

He's not gonna pay for a team he doesn't like.

[A]

Big J has convinced me that Atari.

[D]

I'm going, I'm going. Lewis. I have a feeling like. I feel like Lewis steals shit. And I feel like Lewis's sister. Nice.

[E]

Lou steals shit. Interesting.

[C]

Ooh, this is an exciting one. Alex, all the answers are in.

[F]

Story number four belongs to Ari Shafir.

[E]

Thank you, everybody.

[C]

This guy was born to heist.

[D]

How you do it?

[E]

Yeah, we pronounce it heist back then. Yeah, I stole. I got it started early. Guys try it. And I don't even know what it was, like the CVS or whatever. And then my sister was like, did you steal this? I'm like, no, but like instantly I'm like, I did. Definitely stole that exact thing. And she was like, yeah, they called and they were like, we found him on tape.

[D]

What was the thing?

[B]

Oh, with your little beard as a baby.

[E]

I think it was a Transformer. So I think it was.

[B]

Can you imagine him having a beard at 10 years old?

[C]

He looked like this was a child with short shorts on

[B]

the hairline and everything. He's like, I did not do it.

[C]

Hey, I think your baby rabbi took some Vicks VapoRub.

[B]

How did you identify him? Well, it was pretty.

[E]

I just stole a talus. Yeah, I don't know what it was. Something dumb. I think it was sunglasses.

[C]

And what's the worst you think you've got caught, Steve feeling?

[E]

Probably that, but it was like, damn, you're got through to my house. I got doxxed CVS or whatever. Yeah, that was. But my game was so weak.

[C]

Can I tell you how what you have influenced me though? I've adopted for sure. God forbid. There's. It's a pain in the ass to pay for the things I try to scan at the airport. When they have you self scan, I go, bye. Yeah, I did my best. I did my absolute best. And you're telling me it's not going goodbye? I'm over it.

[D]

The air, the airport doesn't count as stealing.

[C]

It doesn't even count.

[D]

It kind of doesn't count.

[A]

The problem is if you get caught there, they will make you not be able to fly from that airport ever again.

[D]

No, that's not true.

[C]

You were white. We're gonna be like, I thought I paid. And they're gonna be like, that's probably you did. Look at your face.

[D]

Why would I steal some Skittles, huh?

[C]

You think I can't pay for Skittles?

[B]

Yeah, And I think Whole foods. If I buy food, I get a free full hot bar thing, yo.

[C]

Absolutely you do.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[E]

I saw DS steal tic tacs at an airport and then he goes like. Like, look, I stole them. And then he just threw him in the garbage. I was like, what are you doing? He said, I'm practicing.

[C]

By the way, Jordan, at hot bar, I believe if you grab it with the tongs and then place it in your palm.

[B]

Free. Free.

[C]

No problem, dude. Yeah, I didn't do anything gross. I didn't reach in, like, some piece of. I tongued it into my hand. And now I'm gonna have this piece of sesame chicken.

[B]

Section is a sample bar. That's what that is.

[C]

Oh, who buys olives when I can get full on them? Right there.

[A]

See? We're normal people too. We steal dumb for no reason.

[C]

Well, we're not like everybody in here. That girl does anal on the first date, dude.

[A]

It's crazy.

[C]

I would never. I would never.

[A]

We have four stories down. Where are our points at?

[F]

All right. In last place with two points, Jordan Jensen.

[B]

Thank you, thank you.

[F]

In fourth place with five points, Louis J. Gomez.

[C]

Respectable points. Respectable points.

[A]

Very acceptable. Respectable.

[F]

And tied for first place with six points each. Big J Okerson, Colm Turrell and Ari Shafir.

[A]

Three way. Three way tie.

[E]

Wow. Well, guess what? This crowd just stole my heart.

[A]

We are at the halfway point of the show. We're gonna do some quick plugs and then we will get into the second half. Ari, what are you plugging? My friend?

[E]

I have a brand new storytelling show. It's available for Stream right

[A]

soon.

[E]

April 16th. It's called the End. And guess who's in it? This. This young boyish looking lady, this Irishman, Big J Okerson, and not me.

[A]

Everyone but me.

[C]

Okay? You were out of town that week.

[E]

You were out of town. I'll tell you what. If you win tonight, you're in it.

[A]

I'm in it.

[C]

We edit him in.

[A]

We're gonna edit me in. Yeah.

[C]

There's Green Screen Lewis.

[A]

That's it.

[E]

I'm choosing the credits Now I'll put you in the credits. I'll put you in the credits of Jay's episode.

[A]

I want to be executive producer.

[E]

You're in. You get it if you win tonight.

[A]

All stories written by Louis J. Gomez.

[E]

Oh, shit. Okay.

[A]

Written by.

[C]

Just a very vague. Written by.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Written by L, J. Go.

[C]

What?

[B]

Just write. Starring. It's not anywhere.

[C]

Starring. L.

[B]

Where is.

[C]

He's the star. He doesn't need to be in front of the camera. That's not his deal.

[A]

Jordan, what are you plugging?

[B]

I'm about to announce a ton of dates on Punchup Live. Jordan Jensen. Listen to B and Ian and to RIP Jordan Jensen podcast. Oh, yeah, thanks.

[C]

And your mo. Your movie, it's on Hulu now.

[B]

Is it?

[C]

It's on Hulu. Yeah, Absolutely. Make sure you check it out. Is this thing on?

[B]

Is this thing on? Bradley. Bradley.

[A]

I'm gonna watch it tonight.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay,

[C]

I'm gonna try Mayor of East Town because I finished Task and I.

[B]

Mayor of East Town is really good. It's distracting with the accent, but it is good.

[C]

Oh, the accent makes me. I just watched Task in that accent. Brings me right back home.

[A]

All right, this is an after the show conversation.

[C]

Any other shows you're watching?

[D]

Who's in Task? Who's acting in that?

[C]

Tom Pelfrey.

[E]

He's great in everything.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Great in everything.

[A]

Yeah. What are you plugging, my friend?

[D]

There's a show called Task I've heard about.

[C]

Dude, it's on hbo, Max. It's a wild adventure, obviously.

[D]

Check out Ari's storytelling show. You can catch me on the road. Columnterrell.com loads of dates. And check out my podcast, Cockfight with Tristan Bowling and Lev Fur. Thank you.

[A]

You're in it, Louis. You're in it.

[E]

Colin, you're in the first episode.

[D]

I'm in the first episode.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Big starting, hot.

[C]

Hell yeah, Big J. BigJComedy.com for all my dates. Greatest Yapper live tour. Some fun announcements coming up pretty soon on some stuff, but I'm all over the road. We're doing story wars at the Nashville Comedy Festival. And the Netflix is a joke festival out in Los Angeles, so make sure you get tickets for that. Those are going to be big G. Yes. We're going to be selling those out quick, so get your tickets as soon as you can. And of course, listen to the bonfire five days a week faction talk series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly, where if you jump on now, we went through one of my, like, first Few months. Oh, sets in comedy. We found a friend of mine sent me from 20 some years ago. And we watched it with. He was off. It was. This is the worst thing I've been through in years. And I walked away from my family 14 years ago.

[E]

I feel like I saw the ring.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna die in seven days for sure. So make sure you check that out. The bonfire and of course, the flagship show over here at Gas Digital, the Legion of motherfuckin skanks. Still going strong 14 years and running.

[E]

Jay, aren't you also in a new

[C]

episode of Ari Shafir's I'll also be featured in AR Shafir's the End. Just like everybody on this panel.

[D]

Everybody's on the show.

[E]

Everybody.

[C]

Every one of us made the cut. We all made the cut. We all made the cut.

[E]

We all made the cut.

[A]

You made the cut. Anal chick made the cut.

[C]

No way, dude. She's got a great story about getting butt on a first date. Who doesn't want to hear that from us?

[A]

Come see me live on the road, guys. Go to my website, LewisOfSkangs.com the Rattle Me this tour coming to a city near you, going everywhere this year. Check out. Oh, you know what?

[C]

I'll say.

[A]

Skank Fest tickets are going on sale April 20th. Guys, we're back in New Orleans for the second year. This is the tenth ever Skank Fest. It's gonna be a big one. We have a bunch of people that. I'm so happy that I've never done it before. A bunch of people returning. So go to skankfest.com, shout out to your cradom for making it all possible. Buy my book knives and spoons on Amazon or at Barnes and Nobles. Thank you very much and subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love this show, you should know that we do uncensored.

[E]

When did you write a book?

[A]

You were away. What?

[C]

He wrote it in three months.

[D]

It's a Times bestseller.

[B]

Let me see.

[A]

Not a New York Times bestseller.

[B]

Hold it up.

[A]

Hold on. Let me finish my plugs first.

[C]

Please let Ari see the book in the meantime.

[A]

Yeah, guys, go to gas digital.com and make sure you guys subscribe and use the promo code War. Save a couple bucks a month, you get the uncensored ad free version of the show. A bunch of on demand shows that are not available anywhere else.

[B]

It's all pictures, it's all. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn't know the mic was up to my mind.

[C]

Also, everything we've heard also, every part we've heard out loud so far, I think turned out to be not true.

[E]

This is not hardcover.

[A]

Yeah, bro, this is crazy.

[C]

Get yourself a copy while supplies last, I think.

[A]

All right. I think I promoted it on your podcast that I've recorded with you before. I said I was writing it.

[C]

What?

[D]

He thought that was a joke.

[E]

I wasn't. I don't listen.

[C]

I thought you were being hilarious.

[D]

Yeah, right. You wrote.

[A]

You learned how to spell memoir.

[C]

No, that's the. The guy. Russo.

[E]

Well, very cool. Everybody get this. It's my new plug.

[C]

You finish your plugs?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm sorry. We have reached the second half of our show, and sure, Jordan, it looks like maybe you should have just not come, but I promise you this is. No, I know you are, but I promise you this is far, far from over. Because what you yourself, as a story warrior can tell us.

[E]

Can I get some?

[C]

We know for a fact that the second half of the show.

[B]

Double points.

[A]

Ari, you also see, this is. You know, you guys are all in Ari's storytelling show. I know, but all of us can say double points.

[D]

Can I say it?

[A]

You can say it happened, though.

[D]

I can say double points.

[B]

Yeah. Fuck.

[D]

You just said. No, he just said it. We could all say he just said that.

[A]

No, no, not you.

[E]

He meant the winners can say double points.

[D]

Fuck. I want to be able to say it so bad.

[C]

You're so close, dude. You're tied with me and Ari.

[D]

You're tied with half the panel.

[C]

It is very simple concept. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed correctly, you got two points. That now bumps up to double point. Alex, story number five.

[F]

Story number five. I stole thousands of dollars worth of clothes by putting them under my buddy who was paralyzed in a wheelchair.

[C]

What the fuck? What?

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

You didn't have a paralyzed friend that you used to use.

[E]

First of all, just. Can I just say, the fact that none of us instantly was like, not them. We are all pieces of.

[C]

That's fair, for sure.

[D]

Who has. Who grew up with paralyzed friends.

[B]

I feel like Jews have bad bones and stuff.

[C]

Yeah, sure.

[D]

You're probably right.

[C]

Absolutely. They are brittle.

[E]

Thousands of dollars worth of clothes.

[A]

There was a Jew in the corner that went. We don't.

[D]

No, that's. That's anti Semitic.

[E]

That's offense, brother.

[C]

Jews have thick bones. I agree. I do. I agree. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish.

[E]

Weak ones died out.

[A]

That was the thing that Hitler would say, jews have.

[C]

Have thick bones like dogs before they turn on Us. We should kill them. This. This does feel Louis. But I don't remember who having somebody paralyzed in a wheelchair.

[A]

Only a woman would be friends with somebody in a wheelchair. That's insane behavior. That is a woman, right?

[C]

It's a bird.

[A]

No, no, dude. No dude is ever dealing with a friend in a wheelchair. That's.

[D]

I know.

[C]

Also, dudes don't steal clothes.

[B]

I would do that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I would be friends with a wheelchair person.

[A]

And you would steal clothes because you're a woman.

[C]

Oh, wait a second though. This could have been one of the fucking things. They would run interference so Column and his friends can steal tracksuits for the breakdance for nationals. Nationals were coming up.

[D]

There we go. Can wheelchair gym come out? We want to go shopping with wheelchair gym.

[C]

He does the best windmills with his fucking floppy ass legs.

[A]

You call him wheelchair Jim. There's no alliteration. There's no reason for it. There's nothing clever about it. Just wheelchair gym.

[C]

Crippled Steve never walk again Mark,

[E]

Who by the way, is thousands of dollars worth of clothes. One high end thing could be.

[A]

This is a woman's story. Women are clipped.

[E]

Why aren't you talking?

[A]

She's on the lamb. She's gone. What the fuck is this?

[D]

She's asking the rules.

[C]

Surprise period.

[A]

Yeah, they're syncing up.

[C]

She's like, hey, Seraphina, grab me a damn bond. It just happened. Eggs are shedding. What's up? That's the buttfuck girl.

[E]

I don't see any world. She gets up if she did it.

[B]

What?

[E]

Huh?

[B]

Who?

[D]

But Jordan. You're saying Jordan would just. She thinks it's that. Can you do that in the game? Just walk away for a bit?

[E]

No.

[C]

I'll tell you this. It's not that. What you can or can't do. But TJ Miller one time just left completely in the middle of the show.

[E]

That's TJ stuff.

[D]

Did he win?

[C]

He. I'll tell you what. He didn't come in last. No. Fuck.

[D]

That guy's good.

[A]

He beat Jay that night.

[C]

I think he beat me.

[D]

That guy's good.

[A]

My answer is, Jordan, for the. For the reasons we said. I think stealing clothes is a very womanly thing to do.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Befriending a crippled. Very womanly thing to do.

[D]

Yeah, I've been burnt before, but.

[E]

And they don't have thousands of clothes in Ireland.

[C]

No, there's no such thing. Everything's just fucking like sheepskin.

[D]

We just. We kit. We kill the cripples. That's the problem.

[C]

Yeah. You make cheese Milk. Milk and clothes out of the same

[D]

animal lucking in Jordan.

[E]

You think she's friends with a guy in a wheelchair?

[C]

Yeah, I don't think it's a guy.

[B]

I would do that, buddy.

[A]

That's a very Jordan word, my buddy.

[C]

I think it's a lazy fat chick.

[D]

You know what? What could be our.

[C]

I think the friend is a lazy.

[D]

I feel like I remember Ari telling me something. Something like about a wheelchair guy in the community.

[A]

In the Jewish community.

[B]

My instinct said Ari.

[C]

So I'm doing if it is Ari, because. Yeah, I was gonna. Wow. It's not making you think Jordan always. That makes me add. Makes me weird.

[D]

I.

[C]

He watched the right Ari.

[D]

I feel like not okay.

[E]

You feel like what?

[C]

None.

[D]

I thought. I feel like you said something like this to me, but now I can't. It doesn't matter because I'm not playing anymore, so I don't. I'm trying to. I'm trying to convince you that it's you trying to. I'm trying to convince you that it's you to write.

[C]

It's probably you, Ari.

[E]

Yeah, it's probably me. Yeah. I think it's column, though.

[A]

Maybe if it's Ari at this point, I'm gonna break his fingers.

[D]

That'd be so funny.

[C]

If he's right, it's gonna be awesome. She's gonna be column.

[A]

Alex, all of our answers are in five stories down.

[F]

Story number five belongs to Jordan Jennings.

[D]

I got it. I.

[B]

What the. Man? Why is every story my story? It feels like you got some points.

[D]

That was I. I had. I remembered. Isn't there a comic who's in the wheelchair that you're friends with?

[B]

No, she's dead now. The wheelchair girl.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[C]

She got killed in jail because you got her arrested for stealing clothes. Yeah, she was shanked in prison.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Hey, Hot Wheels.

[A]

So hold on. What?

[C]

Tell us the story.

[A]

Yeah, tell us some more details.

[B]

I had a paralyzed friend and would use the wheelchair to steal a bunch of.

[A]

Was it a girl? Yeah, it was a girl.

[B]

She was a lesbian. Hard, hardcore lesbian.

[A]

That's why God took her ability to walk away. I understand.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

We would just get really up. Like, I got trained to be her, like, health aid. And then we would just take all of her Xanax and get really up and just steal everything.

[C]

Did you ever just flop her on a bed and let her eat your. Do her the favor.

[B]

I just sat on her face. I was like, do it.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. It looks like she's bobbing for.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I said I'll let you breathe when I finish. Do it.

[C]

I won't change after I come. I'll, I'll queef you off of me.

[A]

I mean, Jordan, I, I, I don't, I mean, I think your style is cool, but I mean, how, how many shitty old beat up T shirts did you steal to make it thousands of dollars?

[C]

As many as you can fit under a.

[B]

It was, it was from the Gap.

[C]

Ooh, nice. The summer collection.

[B]

There's a lot of stuff for her. I will say that it was a lot of stuff for me, but it was also a lot of stuff of her. And I would just wheel, we would just go out and I'd be like. They'd be like. And I'd be like, she's. Every time.

[A]

Dude, it's a retard alarm.

[D]

Yeah, sorry. The retard alarm goes off, all that. It's always going off this. No, I'm so sorry, man.

[A]

I mean, if, if, if a wheelchair goes out and it goes off, I'm assuming there's something in the magnets or like there's something going on with that wheelchair.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[D]

Dude comes over and she goes,

[A]

get out of here.

[D]

I'm not checking this for her.

[C]

You got to steal regular shirts and baby pants.

[E]

Shiny things.

[C]

Well, she doesn't use her legs, so they're teeny.

[B]

But if we, like, had to pay a check somewhere, I could just unplug her breathing cord because then it would just. The alarms would go off and then we'd be like, it's an emergency. And we'd leave on the check. And then I plug my, The.

[C]

Let's get out of here. These are our baby pants.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Alex, where are points at?

[B]

I should get points for.

[F]

In last place with four points, Jordan Jensen.

[C]

That's a jump. That's a jump.

[B]

Thank you.

[F]

In fourth place with six points, Ari Shafir.

[E]

First to fourth. Oh, double points. That's right.

[F]

In third place.

[C]

Who did you guess on that one, Ari?

[F]

In third place with nine points, Luis J. Gomez. And tied for first place with 10 points each, big J Okerson and Colm Turrell.

[C]

Come on, Collins.

[A]

Earl never won a game before. Big J rarely, rarely wins. The two guys that need it the most in the lead right now.

[C]

I did Dynasty once, though.

[A]

Let's remember, he did do three in a row, which was crazy Turkey.

[C]

Oh, we should also keep our eyes on the prize here because, Jordan, I feel like you're. I think you're dejected and I don't want you to be. I Want you to be in the hunt. Because the boy Scout handbook covers a wide range of hands on skills from the early 1900s, from camping and fire building to first aid navigation. It reads like both a survival guide and a moral manual, teaching kids how to take care of themselves outdoors, while also emphasizing the leadership, teamwork, and self reliance of young boys.

[A]

I often think about the self reliance of young boys.

[C]

Goddamn right you do. It's the only thing that makes me finish. Alex. Story number six.

[F]

Story number six. I had a car stolen once. When they found it, my headshot was stabbed into the dashboard with a knife.

[D]

Someone have a moot?

[E]

Jesus Christ.

[D]

Hack was written in blood.

[C]

This is car. This has to be carplay. Ari was in la. That's a car place. I've always had a car. Louis, you do not. You're not a car person. So this doesn't strike me as you column, Lewis.

[D]

I. I've always been a car person, but we don't have people who steal cars, if you know what I mean.

[C]

Okay. And if you did, they would sound hilarious. Oh, what's up dog? For chisel? Yeah.

[D]

Are you from the. You from the tree.

[A]

One tree.

[B]

I think it's Ari because he had all the stuff go down where he was getting doxed and stuff

[E]

about that.

[C]

You think they stole his car?

[E]

Stabbed my headshot.

[C]

Oh, you're taking this as like a targeted attack? This is stealing Ari Shafir's car.

[B]

When they found it. My headshot was stabbed into the dashboard.

[D]

You mean like they brought the headshot?

[B]

They were mad at Ari. They. They stole his car outside of a club and they took his head shot and stabbed it. Why else would you stab that? Just to be bullied.

[E]

I think it's the opp.

[C]

Where did they get his head shot?

[A]

I think was in the car.

[C]

They tore it off the wall and brought it with them.

[A]

I'm assuming he had headshots in the trunk.

[C]

Trunk.

[A]

And to be hilarious, which. I mean, it's a funny move to stab the head shot into the.

[E]

The.

[A]

The steering wheel.

[E]

I think it was Louis. That he had someone steal someone's car as a warning and then steal lo. Like punch Lewis's headshot right into it.

[C]

I don't think if you.

[E]

You arranged you. Yeah. Have someone else's car stolen.

[C]

Have. Were you in the time of like a. A pack of head shots?

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't know if I ever had a pack, but I definitely had like 20 printed at one point. Not while I was driving this.

[C]

Not digital.

[A]

No. No, I. I had Headshots printed, but very few.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I did once.

[A]

I did.

[C]

I got head shots. I got head shots.

[A]

Head shots, like acting classes and going on auditions for acting.

[D]

I think this. This feels like Jay.

[E]

Feels like Jay to me. Jay White. What? Defend yourself.

[C]

It's me.

[A]

Jay's had a car stolen. I know that's happened to him.

[C]

Kurt. Got my car stolen.

[A]

Yeah, You've told the story in story words before, and this is not part of it.

[C]

Yeah, got my car stolen outside of the comedy club. I asked. I had to run in. I asked him to park my car, and he parked in a toway zone, you know? And when I came out, I was like, oh, it got towed. So I called the tow companies and they were like, it didn't get towed and it was stolen. That sucked.

[A]

Did you ever get it back?

[C]

No.

[E]

Jordan, where you.

[C]

Where'd you.

[E]

What? Where'd you grow up?

[B]

Ithaca.

[C]

Did you.

[E]

Local theater there.

[B]

Why is it where I grew up couldn't be New York.

[D]

Yeah, it could be recent.

[C]

Do you drive here?

[B]

I have a car here. You do a car in Nashville and Buffalo? All steel, steely places.

[D]

Steely Dan.

[C]

Those are all steely places.

[E]

Did you abandon cars in Nashville and Buffalo?

[B]

I did abandon a truck in Nashville, yeah.

[A]

See, this is la. I'm sorry, Ari. You were in la? Have you ever had a car stolen?

[C]

I'm starting to feel.

[E]

Ari, I've had. No.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Regardless. That came out. Regardless.

[A]

And Ari's been. Ari's been doing comedy for. For 45 years.

[C]

Okay, Ari, why? Defend yourself. Why?

[E]

Because when I was doing it, it was more sketches. It wasn't full head shots back then. They had to, like, draw you. So it wouldn't have been a head shot.

[C]

It was an etching.

[E]

Yeah, I would. Nobody had the money to stand still for two days so they could get the slowed picture, the.

[A]

The.

[B]

The.

[A]

The bulbs that blew up.

[B]

Sorry, Jay, Is it you?

[D]

No, it could be Jay.

[E]

Could be Jay.

[C]

Remember how I told Ari that he could trust me? And I'm so happy he's home. Same.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Ari, is it you or is it Jay? Do you think it's Jay? Do you think it's Jay?

[E]

I really don't know what to think.

[D]

What the. Who should I go for?

[A]

I mean, Big J's headshot. Big J's headshot for back then was so infuriating that if I had a knife, I would stab it into something.

[C]

Then vote for me.

[D]

The guy decided to leave his knife. That's how much he hated it.

[C]

The crowd Says Ari too. Yeah, I'm going that one guy, Ari.

[A]

Ari's all around pretty mad.

[D]

If it's Jay.

[A]

If it's Jay, he pulled ahead.

[D]

It can only be Ari or Jay because me and her have never printed up headshots. That's some old

[C]

is old.

[D]

That's some weird ass old.

[C]

Alex.

[F]

Story number six belongs to Big J.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

Holy. Ari.

[C]

You.

[B]

Why do you look like a liar, Ari?

[D]

Why didn't you. Why didn't you convince us it wasn't you, you idiot?

[B]

Yeah, you were being dirty with your eyes.

[E]

Yeah, good point. I got high. I forgot I was trying. I act not trying to fool you guys. And I let you.

[A]

You choose me.

[D]

Why were you trying to fool us?

[A]

I don't know. I got too high.

[D]

That's not the game.

[B]

Just looking at you and you're like, I did do it.

[E]

I did it.

[D]

Yeah, this happened to me a few times.

[C]

Yeah, I did it.

[A]

What the. God damn it, Jay. How do I not remember this detail from this?

[C]

That's it. I told you the story already. While we were doing the thing, Kurt Mesker got my car stolen. He parked it in a bad spot and it got stolen instead of towed. And then they found it and they told me it was in Camden. They said all my. I. I go, do they. Is my spiral notebook with my jokes in there? And they went, no, but they do have a picture of you stabbed into the dashboard. Jesus. And they said, knife still in? They left the knife as a message. Yeah, they must have seen my comic view.

[A]

All right, where are our points at?

[B]

God damn.

[F]

All right. In last place, we with four points, Jordan Jensen.

[C]

It's okay. It's okay.

[F]

In fourth place with nine points, Louis J. Gomez. Tied for second place with 10 points each, Colum Turrell and Ari Shafir.

[E]

10, 10, 10.

[F]

And in the lead with 16 points, Big J. Okerson.

[A]

We got two more stories. Big J in the lead. Are you guys ready for your final two stories? Come on. Okay, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Harry's Razors for supporting the show. Ditch your flimsy plastic razor and class it up with the all new Harry' plus razor. Harry's is everywhere. If you go into any supermarket, any. Any drugstore, you're going to find Harry's. They have genuinely incredible razors that are really trusted at this point. But I'll tell you right now, their pivoting system, it's made to reach every corner of your face. German engineered blades. They give you a smoother shave. My car is German engineered. My razor blade should also be German engineered.

[C]

Absolutely. I always say shave your face with the same company you get your cars from. And for a limited time, Story wars fans can get a Harry's plus trial set for only 10 bucks at harry's.com wars with a Z W A R Z. This set includes the all new Harry's plus razor, one refined five blade cartridge, a two ounce foaming shave gel and a travel cover to protect your blades on the go. Just go now to harry's.com h a r r y s harry's.com wars with a z and check them out today. Get that? Great deal. Get that trial set.

[A]

All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment to thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. Body Brain Coffee. Not just coffee, but coffee blended with adaptogens and nootropics that will help you be the best version of yourself. It supports testosterone naturally. Naturally supports brain function, mood and memory. Genuinely makes you feel good whether you drink it hot, cold or in your protein shake. Jay, he shoves it in his ass. It's not a thing that I'd recommend.

[C]

I'm doing it right now.

[A]

How does it feel?

[C]

Alive. I feel alive.

[A]

Jay's ass is full of testosterone.

[C]

They say, oh man, I think it's raging.

[A]

Look, we have a pretty cool deal right now. Now you've heard about me talking about body but coffee for a while now, but we're about to launch Body Brain Creamer as well. So this is the deal, right? If you use the promo code War20, War2Zero, we're gonna give you 20% off your order today. Right? Thank you. If you subscribe to Body Brain Coffee to receive it every single month, you're gonna get not only 20 off, but you're gonna get free shipping. And we're gonna give you a free sample pack of our brand new Body brand creamer before it's available to anyone else.

[C]

That's a steal.

[A]

It's a steal. Bodybraincoffee.com use that promo code war20 for 20 off. All right, where were we? Alex, story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. I raised money for a school charity event, but I decided I'd rather keep the cash. So I skipped the event and kept the money instead.

[D]

I don't wanna stop. I don't wanna stop.

[C]

I don't know if Ari was unscrupulous. Me and Lewis are definitely have done stuff like this for sure. If not this, we've done something.

[A]

I sold candy door to door collecting all the money. Never ordered the candy.

[C]

Yeah, sure.

[D]

I used to work for a fake charity. We would sell teddy bears like little tiny keychains on the streets of Dublin. And then it was supposed to go to some dog charity, but I'm. I'm pretty sure we never had a single penny go towards.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

That was like a full time job for me.

[A]

Maybe if you would have donated that money to that dog charity, they could have found my aunt's dog. Her elderly dog was never found again.

[C]

I did the. I went around and said I was collecting fur and all I had was Jerry's kids.

[E]

Nice.

[C]

He goes, isn't there a telethon? Yeah, but this is where it boots on the ground here.

[A]

Yeah. This seems like a very Jewish sort of activity, raising money.

[C]

Slaps of Ari or Louis money for

[A]

a charity, but the money really goes to their pockets.

[E]

Would never do it. They would have been account. We come from accountants. They would have noticed.

[D]

This is no. This is what. This is. This is what your people do. You lie and then you convince us that we're crazy. I'm not allowing. Things have changed since you've gone. We've all woken up.

[C]

No, they're animals column.

[E]

I raised money for a school chair. Jew schools don't have chairs.

[C]

Charities, they raise money for themselves.

[D]

Jew schools don't have charities. Do you hear. Do you hear the type of.

[C]

I believe that to be true.

[A]

Jay's putting me. I'm thinking this could be two J stories in a row as well.

[C]

Could be.

[A]

We haven't had a double in a row in the second half in a while.

[C]

That would be.

[E]

Split them up on purpose.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

It's all random. Random. Yeah.

[B]

Column.

[D]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Look at me, Jordan.

[E]

Would you ever raise money for a school charity? No. No way. You would not.

[B]

I went to, like, a hippie school. We had nothing to no money. There was no people.

[C]

I feel like at the core, Jordan's got a conscience that would stop her from this.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, James.

[E]

Steals from companies only.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

That was really sweet.

[B]

Saved the retarded paralyzed girl.

[C]

Yeah. Remember, Remember she gave life to that retarded paralyzed girl by giving her the. By giving her the. The vivation of stealing.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

I'll tell you what. I don't think Jay would ever actually raise any money. It could be more of a. I'm a raise.

[A]

I'm. I'm going crush it in raising money

[E]

and column comes from charity.

[D]

I. I stole my own money.

[E]

That is true.

[D]

They raised money.

[C]

Colum does live In a place where we airdrop old jerseys.

[D]

It could be. That's worth. They're vintage. That's worth a lot of money now. So jokes on you. I need it. It could be J, though.

[A]

Better not be J. Yeah, this is. This is a blue collary, Jewy type crime. This is not.

[C]

Oh, it's blue collary. Or rather brown collary.

[E]

It's Lewis. There's no way it's not Lewis. There's no way it's not Lewis.

[A]

Ari Shafir is the answer.

[E]

He's holding it up to show you that it's me. He's holding you up to show that it's.

[A]

That ar's freaking out right now. He wants Jordan to pay attention to him so badly right now. Look at him, Jordan.

[E]

He's trying to get out of it.

[A]

It's definitely him, Jordan.

[E]

It's 100%.

[A]

Listen to me. Ari's just trying to get your attention because he knows you're about to write Ari him.

[E]

He wants you to not do it. When I said.

[D]

Look, cuz, he did.

[E]

Listen, I got it.

[A]

I got it.

[E]

You'll see.

[A]

This is what he did before he

[E]

put it down, he went like this.

[A]

Put it down.

[E]

He wanted everyone to see. He was putting it down when you were second guessing and you were second guessing, he wanted to talk you into it. I do not regret doing this.

[A]

It is, Louis. It is 100% having a no, Jordan.

[E]

100.

[A]

You're giving him points right now.

[C]

I'm trusting my friend.

[B]

No, I'm trusting my friend, idiot.

[C]

No,

[A]

It's definitely Ari. Trust your friend.

[D]

Shit.

[A]

You dumb. You dumb idiot. Trust your dumb Jew friend. Trust in the Jews. Okay, Alex. Oh, no, it's J. I don't care that we're going to get demonetized from YouTube. It has to be said,

[F]

story number seven belongs to Colum Tur.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Holy.

[C]

How did you keep it in.

[B]

Did you hear what he was saying to me? Did you hear what he was saying to me? He was. You heard? He's a monster. Sick man.

[A]

What did he say?

[B]

He was like. I was. He was like, jordan, I am your friend. You are throwing your voter right now and I need you to get it right or else they're going to win. And I. And I looked at him and I said.

[E]

Said.

[B]

Do you remember when I said that

[A]

I would marry you for a green card?

[B]

He said yes, and I'm. And I said, on your life. And you said, yes, on my life.

[A]

I'm not.

[D]

I'm sorry. Just kidding.

[C]

This game Means more to me.

[A]

That is how.

[B]

That is so scary. That is psychotic. Yes, I should have said.

[A]

I mean, dude, you probably were boiling over with happiness.

[C]

Just get it.

[A]

Everyone's done it.

[D]

They all keep being so anti Semitic.

[C]

You steered us towards anti Semitism.

[D]

Guys, what does your heart tell you?

[E]

Oh,

[B]

I knew it was you. I knew it was. I believe Toppins.

[E]

I was so sure the other was lying. And I do not listen to him.

[A]

I know for sure

[D]

watching it.

[B]

All right, I'm not listening to anybody.

[A]

Tell us the story, Colin. What happened? What charity was this and how much?

[C]

Chimney Sweeps Union.

[D]

The Coal miners Teak fund. We used to raise money every year for African kids.

[C]

Oh, yeah, just that blank. Just give it to African kids.

[D]

Well, the. The charity was called Trokra, but you guys don't have that. Anyway, what we used to do was we would get the. The forms and you go door to door. But I started bringing pencils so that people. People would fill it out and then I'd. I'd rub it off.

[E]

What, and write less?

[D]

No, I would remove their entire donation.

[C]

I got it.

[B]

See, if I believe. Believed that. That he would do that, I should have not believed him when he said he wouldn't. Do you know what I mean? It's a paradox.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

God damn it. You're a monster.

[D]

Yeah, but that this particular time was someone. I had my pencil trick and then someone just wrote on it in pen. Destroyed my whole trick. So then I said, ah, I'm just keeping it all. And I just didn't.

[C]

Never went back.

[D]

Never. No, never. I didn't go into school that day and I just kept them money.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And then the teacher was like, you owe me that money. I was like, don't know what you're talking about. It was like 12. 12. 12£50 or 12€50. It's like nothing. But at the time, I was rich.

[C]

As I respect the gangster, I was

[D]

saving up for a tracksuit.

[A]

Alex, big shift in points right now. Seven stories down, where are our points at?

[F]

All right, in last place, with four points, Jordan Jensen.

[C]

In last place and consistently betrayed tonight,

[F]

in fourth place with nine points, Luis J. Gomez.

[A]

I don't want to win this one. I want to have my brother, Big J, win this one.

[F]

In third place, with 10 points, Ari Shafird. In second place with 16 points, Big J Okerson. And in the lead with 18 points, Colm Turrell.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

They could taste it.

[C]

It is a slobber knocker.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Who is gonna take on the Bull Scouts Handbook, which reflects A specific moment in history. Capturing early 20th century ideas about nature, masculinity, and civic duty. Alongside its practical advice, the handbook offers a look at how scouting was originally intended to prepare young boys not just for the wilderness, but for their roles in 1900 society. It is anybody,

[A]

truly is.

[C]

But you always can play giant killer. Alex. Our final story, story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. A black guy was sitting near my bag at the park. I didn't want to move it because he wasn't actually doing anything to it, and I didn't want to be racist. When I retrieved it, my wallet was gone, and so was a really expensive collectible. The black eye definitely stole it.

[E]

Whose was a long one before you? Oh,

[A]

it could be.

[C]

Ari doesn't have collectibles.

[E]

Collectibles.

[A]

Collectible. A woman has a collectible.

[B]

I'm not gonna be persuaded. I'm putting mine up, and you guys can just talk your.

[E]

Well, that was.

[A]

Jay does have a curse.

[E]

That was crazy.

[C]

I have a merse.

[D]

I like that you voted for Jay.

[B]

It was Jay because he goes. Yeah. The timing of it, of how it's

[D]

written it is pretty good. It's a good story.

[E]

Sitting near my bag.

[D]

Well, I mean, Jay has a bag at the park.

[A]

He does have a bag. He does not go to parks.

[C]

Thank you. I do not go to parks. Parks are for junkies and gays.

[E]

Collectible, though.

[D]

What's an expensive. Like, who. Who has an expensive collectible?

[C]

I don't own a collectible.

[D]

I. I kind of confused as to what that is.

[E]

Would a jersey be a collectible?

[A]

A jersey would be a collectible, but he's not. He's not getting a collectible jersey. Yes. I think there are collectible jerseys. He gets, like, a jersey that he wants to wear.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That's not a collectible.

[C]

I gotta let you know know that I'm a fan of the Eagles. By wearing a man's jersey. Shut the up.

[A]

I mean, I'm getting Jordan vibes here. It's sort of Jordan. Yeah. A bat. It's a bad park. Women love sitting in parks with collectibles.

[E]

Yep.

[D]

This is that. Yeah.

[B]

What would I collect? Sticks? Squirrel teeth? What are you talking about?

[C]

What does anybody here collect?

[B]

Oh, comic books. Excited, click.

[A]

But a black guy's not stealing, like, a doll.

[B]

He could have been, like, a blur.

[C]

If a black guy steals your comic book, fight him. That's the black guy you fight. The one who's interested in comic books.

[B]

I think it's Jay, because if he was a wigger, he probably had some Weird basketball thing.

[A]

That is also true. This could be back in the day when Jay was playing basketball in parks.

[C]

I only respected black people.

[A]

People.

[B]

Until this.

[C]

No, this was the. I wouldn't even have thought anything about

[B]

a black guy started being a goth.

[C]

You were like, no. Who would be most black I'm worried about were my forward and center. We were hooping.

[E]

Who'd be most likely to who? Who wouldn't want to be racist?

[A]

Racist?

[C]

Jordan.

[E]

Jordan.

[B]

What?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I mean, yes.

[C]

I mean, I will be racist if it keeps my collectibles on me.

[D]

My expensive collectibles.

[A]

This is a white guilt thing. I'm Puerto Rican. I'm not. I don't care about being perceived as being racist. I'm going for the black guy's bag.

[C]

Yeah, Lewis will steal your bag.

[A]

Yeah, I was like, this bag's already stolen. Black guy. Your move.

[B]

I can't imagine what Ari would collect.

[D]

It could be Ari.

[C]

I've pondered and doodled on it. Enough.

[B]

Enough.

[D]

I don't know.

[C]

Jordan Jensen.

[D]

Am I gonna this up? What should I. What should I do?

[C]

Why, it's very possibly Ari. Could be Ari.

[D]

You've been wrong every time. If it's Jay, you've lost me ever since.

[C]

It's not Jay. You.

[A]

No, no.

[D]

Don't do this to me, Jay. Who do you think I am?

[E]

And it was him. He first time he said the truth. Truth. Second time you lied.

[B]

You can't trust anybody.

[E]

Yeah, that's why I got you. I'm the only one that got you.

[C]

I didn't have to lie on the one that it was me. Everybody jumped all over other people. I lucked out on that one.

[B]

Anal on the first date's crazy.

[A]

I was thinking the same thing. When he said lucked out, I was like anal on the first date.

[B]

We both have the same dissociating. I go anal on the first.

[E]

I just realized it is black guy was sitting near my bag.

[C]

You can vote me.

[D]

What?

[B]

Who's that guy?

[C]

Could be me.

[E]

It for sure was not column.

[D]

No.

[B]

Why?

[C]

Well, he's cuz be racist.

[D]

Oh, a wallet.

[E]

Ireland.

[C]

Expect you're looking for that racist black

[E]

guy all the time in Ireland.

[B]

Oh, there's no black people there.

[D]

I definitely say that last sentence a lot. Well, this could have been in New York, but I do think it's a. Oh, right. It could be Jay or Ari. And I think would it be now?

[E]

Would to be high school.

[D]

What? What was Ari's story so far? I'm going to go Ari it.

[E]

If it's Jay, it's Jordan.

[B]

What collectible? You guys are crazy.

[D]

It might not be.

[A]

Oh, I think that's Jordan right now.

[C]

Oh, I just realized Ari thinks loose change is collectibles.

[E]

No, certain nickels. If you look by the year, it also has a little another symbol, and some of those are worth, like, $0.89.

[C]

You don't spend your money. You collect it.

[A]

Colum writing Jordan in.

[D]

I got swayed for Jordan.

[A]

All the guys voted for Jordan on this one.

[D]

Can I smile on Jay's face?

[A]

Alex, all of her answers are in.

[F]

Story number eight belongs to Ari Sh.

[A]

Yep.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

I got you back.

[E]

Thank you. Thank you. That was tough.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

It's a lot of talking on that one.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

That was a lot of doing what we do best. Talking where.

[A]

What park was this? New York City?

[E]

No, it was in Maryland. I was a child. A bunch of Jews would get a park, and we'd play basketball, and we had all our stuff by the side, and then, like. But we'd let anybody play. Oh, they're talking about the tip now. I get it.

[B]

It.

[E]

Think it out.

[A]

Take it back.

[E]

You got to think it out.

[A]

Aria's. Aria's tip. Respect. He's like, hold on. They have to figure out a tip.

[C]

They got to sort it out.

[A]

Give them time.

[E]

Guys, I don't want to be racist, but I. I don't know if you know this, but in the. I guess, late 80s, the baseball card industry was what bitcoin is now.

[C]

Sure. Oh, yeah.

[E]

You thought your baseball card was going

[C]

to be everything thing.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

And he got one of the old timey cards from me that had. It was, like, smaller, from, like, the 30s.

[C]

Oh, a tobacco card.

[E]

Yeah, it was. No, it was a nobody, but it was worth, like, 25, 30 bucks, which

[A]

is a million dollars in Jewish money. It's.

[E]

I'm never gonna.

[B]

Had.

[E]

I invested that wisely.

[C]

Oh, my God. Your first piece of stock and Apple A young.

[E]

You'd all be. You're all be using computers made by pomegranates.

[A]

Oh.

[E]

Sickened me. And, yeah, I. I was like, I shouldn't say anything. This would be really wrong if I said something. And I was wrong. So I was like, you're right, but I was dead right. Why was he right?

[C]

Racism wins again,

[E]

unfortunately.

[A]

Trust your instincts, folks.

[C]

Trust your instincts.

[A]

There's one thing that you take away.

[C]

Cross the street.

[A]

Trust your instincts.

[C]

Cross the street early and off often.

[E]

Yeah. Do your best.

[D]

Survive.

[B]

Sounds like a street joke. Like, a Jew leaves a bag near a black guy who wins expensive collectibles

[A]

Alex, where are our points at after eight stories?

[F]

All right. In last place with four points, Jordan Jensen.

[C]

Stole Story Warrior. Stole Warrior.

[E]

Story Warrior. You could do it. Either way, you're still on my storytelling show, the end. Available on rsspir.com right now.

[B]

Either way, you watch me going to jail. The story.

[E]

That's right. That's right. It's a good one.

[F]

In fourth place with nine points, Lis J. Gomez.

[A]

I tried.

[C]

You showed up.

[E]

Don't forget Louis. On the line as well. Written by every single comedian credit.

[A]

I wrote everything.

[E]

My show, all stories written by L.S. gomez is on the line.

[C]

Damn, I'm so sad it's off the table. I'd like to have five more bets to make sure that could happen.

[F]

In third place with 16 points, Big J Okerson.

[C]

Can I. Ari, can I give express written consent to say at the end that my story was written completely by Lis J. Gomez?

[E]

Jay, I'll tell you what, I'm not sure about that.

[C]

Can Lewis be executive producer of my segment?

[E]

Your story was written exclusively written by Louis J. Gomez? No, just Lis Gomez.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

There's a million of them

[E]

on the line if you win a credit in your episode.

[C]

I'm sorry, Alex.

[E]

Yeah, sure. Okay.

[A]

Hey,

[B]

Lewis is just thinking about the anal girl. He's like doesn't even know what's happening.

[E]

First date.

[C]

How long would you believe that girl opens up her five hole for any old snook. This volunteer firefighter. Oh my God. There is no barrier of entry for that shitter. Alex.

[F]

And tied for first place with 18 points each column.

[C]

Turrell and Ari Shapiro over. Oh, is it old fashioned overtime

[B]

over

[C]

time, over time, over time, over time.

[A]

All right. Overtime rules are very simple, guys.

[E]

Here's Bro, I talked you out of choosing. I was right in your head. You were right there.

[D]

I should I had it and you

[E]

would have been first alone.

[D]

I didn't do. Jordan acted all guilty.

[A]

All right, focus guys. Overtime rules are very simple. Alex is going to read one more story. It's not going to belong to either one of you. It's going to be my story, Jordan's story or Big J's story. You guys are going to wager any of your points? You could wager up to 18 points. Do not let the other one see it. Do not let anyone see it. Put it on the back. You got to write it down.

[C]

Everything changed.

[E]

Nothing is what it was.

[D]

Welcome to sudden debt, bitch.

[A]

So you wager between. Between 0 and 18 points column.

[E]

Okay, that was the last story.

[A]

No that was the last story.

[C]

Yeah, but there will be one more story.

[A]

One more story. And it could be.

[E]

This is the real March Madness.

[C]

Yes, this is. This is definitely.

[A]

So we. Right, Right. The points that you wager on the back of your card.

[E]

Right now.

[A]

Yeah, right now.

[D]

Do I get to know what he's doing?

[C]

No, you don't.

[E]

Before we even hear about it. I gotta be honest, guys. I've been traveling through South America for eight months. I would really like some good American whiskey.

[A]

What's a whiskey? Get him a whiskey.

[D]

Wait.

[A]

Give him some bodega cat.

[E]

How much we wager? And why don't show this immigrant and he doesn't show me.

[A]

You don't show anybody.

[C]

Don't show anybody.

[E]

By the way, you didn't think we would. Heard what you guys said about Palestine. Oh, yeah, bro. You. You were first.

[A]

Easy.

[E]

It's all changing wager. Well, me, mate,

[D]

I'm doing this for

[A]

between 0 and 18 points. Both of you guys wager and he can't.

[E]

I can't see him.

[A]

And he can see.

[E]

But what does it matter? We still have to get it right. What if we both get it wrong?

[A]

Well, you don't want to because you want to wager different points.

[E]

Why? Explain to me the strategy.

[A]

Well, you don't. Okay, well, it makes it less likely that we're going to have to do a double overtime if you.

[E]

That's been done.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

Did you write down double overtime?

[A]

No, I didn't.

[D]

Can I show mine?

[A]

Don't show your points. No, don't show your points until after how many?

[E]

And is this also double points or is it like a regular?

[A]

No, it's not double points.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

All right. So you wrote down your wager. You wrote down your wager.

[E]

I'm just grab. I'm just wrapping my head around.

[A]

Alex, Wait, hold on. He's writing down his wager.

[C]

Don't.

[A]

Don't look. Don't let him.

[C]

We don't show until you're gonna vote first.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, okay. I thought we were about to show the point.

[A]

No, put a flat down when you're done, Ari. And then, Alex, story number nine. Our overturns.

[E]

Thank you.

[F]

Story number nine. I went to the bathroom at a restaurant and found an upstairs area. I had sex up there and stole a massive painting by handing it down the side of the building.

[D]

All right, so, Lou, I would have

[C]

guessed Ari, but it can't be Ari or Jor.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you do that? Is that you?

[A]

Would I do it? I mean, I wouldn't. I Would steal. I would have sex in public. I wouldn't steal a painting. How cool is that painting? That seems like a womanly thing to do, if you ask me.

[C]

The side of a building seems like a real. Like, maybe.

[E]

Could be one story.

[D]

Yeah, maybe you came on the painting and wanted to get rid of your evidence.

[C]

Okay, that's fair.

[E]

Who would go to the bathroom at a restaurant? And Louis.

[A]

I would. I wouldn't. I have.

[C]

Yeah, you have.

[E]

Many times.

[C]

Jordan.

[A]

Mike.

[D]

Jordan, my. Yeah, a lot. You might have seen that. Might have been special to you. After you made love and said, I want to. I want to keep the painting thing to remember you by.

[C]

Bathroom in a restaurant. I'm not gonna tell you flat out, I got more class than that.

[E]

It's not Jay.

[C]

Nope.

[E]

I just don't see Jay.

[D]

It is. It is. J. Ari.

[E]

Unless it's with. Unless it's with a girlfriend.

[A]

Oh, and they don't make corn paintings. What the hell would he want?

[E]

Stole a massive painting.

[C]

But not in the restaurant.

[D]

I went to the bar, by the way.

[E]

Who's. And then stealing a painting.

[C]

I know. After you. You come and then you're like, I can go for a real crime right now.

[D]

Hey. Hey. Should we do a heist real quick?

[C]

Yeah. Hey, you want to steal the Mona Lisa?

[B]

Wait, this could be any three of us.

[A]

Any three of us. Yeah. No, it's not Any five.

[B]

Overtime.

[A]

Hey, lady, we got it.

[D]

Yo, shut up. Chiming in. This is important to me.

[E]

Did you ever fucking the ass the first date?

[C]

Then shut up. She has. Ari. She first date.

[D]

They've all done a date.

[C]

Bless.

[A]

First date is wild.

[B]

What the hell is going on with this country?

[A]

I did that one time with a girl and I literally was like, I'll never be able to date you. Seriously. You let me fuck you in the ass the first day we met.

[C]

This is insane. Even though somebody has to be the first.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

You're never the first guy to fuck a girl on the ass on the first date. You know what I mean? If you do it, you're like, I'm not the first guy to do this. Yeah, she didn't change it all around to night for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Is this true? That's not true. You are really drunk.

[A]

Oh, that was rape. That was rape. That was rape. That was rape.

[C]

Guys, over here. Story where we believe all women.

[D]

Wow.

[E]

Can I just tell you? One of the weirdest laws in the Old Testament is that to protect women.

[C]

Believe all women.

[E]

If someone rapes you and steals your virginity, that man is now punishment forced to marry that woman. So she.

[B]

There it is right there.

[C]

Yeah, Him. Right now you got to deal with her all the time. And now she has trauma, so she's going to suck.

[A]

Oh yeah. Every time you try to touch her, she's going to tremble. That's going to get old fashioned.

[C]

Oh my God. When do you get over it? I'm sorry I took your virginity from you. You. But now I feed you every night.

[A]

Colin. Colin's putting a name down, putting Lewis down on his board.

[D]

I'm writing Lewis down. You can't copy me, Jew.

[E]

I think it's.

[A]

No, he can. He can copy. That's why you're wagering points. He can. He can say the same answer.

[C]

What if I.

[D]

What if? What if? What if? What if I already put down zero points?

[B]

All right?

[A]

Up the road he can put down zero. You can put down 18.

[D]

And then what happens?

[A]

It depends on what you put down.

[D]

I put down zero.

[E]

You put down zero. What if I put down zero and we both didn't know.

[D]

You didn't.

[C]

You're not smart enough.

[E]

Are they still in it?

[A]

No, we're not. We're out between you two guys, right?

[D]

You get it wrong, you lose. Whatever you put down. I got it.

[C]

The two of you. And the answer is me, Lewis or Jordan.

[E]

I just figured out a way to understand this. I put money signs in the points I put and I. Now I'm saying it differently. Now I'm saying it's not. It's $1 through $18.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

This is important.

[A]

And our wager.

[E]

Now if. So, let's say I wager four. That's not eight because it's double points, right?

[C]

So.

[E]

So okay, interesting. He was almost like, okay, but it. But is it.

[D]

No, you just. You either win or lose.

[E]

Same points we wager. You want to try it one more time before maybe. You win or lose, it's your last chance to.

[D]

No, I've got you already. I don't give a fuck. I win. I know I do. Let's go. Let's play it. Let's play it.

[E]

You think it's Louis.

[D]

You can't go. You can't copy. I said you can't copy me.

[E]

But it could be Lewis.

[D]

Ari, you can't copy me. That's so fucking lame.

[B]

Ari. It.

[D]

It's so funny. If it's not Lewis or you can

[C]

vote for whoever you want to vote for.

[D]

Double.

[E]

I went to bathroom at a restaurant.

[D]

Did you? Double cr.

[E]

Never have been allowed in.

[A]

It does sound like the beginning of An Irish limber never would have been allowed to a restaurant.

[E]

He didn't say a food place.

[A]

I went to the bathroom of a restaurant area.

[D]

Did you double cross me, cuz? I double crossed you earlier.

[A]

Arish. Final answer. Jordan Jensen. Colin Charles. Final answer. Lewis J. Gomez.

[B]

You. You.

[C]

You fucked me.

[E]

I don't. Do we see our points? Wait, do we see our ranger first afterwards?

[C]

Nobody thinks I fucking bathrooms. Guys, I've gotten pussy.

[A]

It was you, Alex, whose story was story number nine.

[F]

Story number nine belongs to Jordan Jensen.

[C]

Wait. Swiped away at the last second. He could taste his first victory.

[A]

Ari, how many points did you wager?

[C]

18 points.

[A]

18 points, how many did you wager?

[D]

I. I wagered 18.

[A]

Also 18 as well. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, your winner and new and and still Story wars champion, Ari Shafir.

[C]

Yeah, Ari. You gonna take home the boy Scout's handbook? Thank you all for being here.

[E]

I cannot wait to read this molestation handbook.

[C]

Absolutely. Dude, you're gonna be like Gary Glitter. You're gonna get so much boycock. How about it for our amazing panel, the great Colm Terrell. The great Jordan Jensen, your winner tonight. One more time, Ari Shafir. He's back. Hashtag. He's back. Guys, for Story Wars, I'm Big J Okerson.

[A]

I'm Louis Shay Gomez.

[C]

We'll catch you guys next time. Peace.