093. Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze, Aaron Weber | Panic

Summary

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Story Warz Ep. 93: Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze, Aaron Weber | "Panic"

Podcast: Story Warz
Host(s): Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze, Aaron Weber
Date: May 15, 2026
Location: Nashville Comedy Festival, The Stand Comedy Club, NYC (recorded live)
Theme: Panic

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Overview

This special, live episode of Story Warz is set at the Nashville Comedy Festival and features a star-studded comedic panel: Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze, and Aaron Weber join hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez. The episode’s theme is "panic", and true to the spirit of the show, the comedians compete in a game of deceptive storytelling—sharing mortifying anecdotes loaded with panic, while others try to guess who the real author is. The game is high-spirited and peppered with personal jabs, running jokes, and quick-witted banter. This episode is infamous for its historic zero-point run and a finale full of twists.

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Guests & Introductions [03:22–06:51]

• Aaron Weber: First appearance; "I'm a huge fan of everybody on the show tonight. This is a big deal for me...I'm trying to figure out the chair behind me." [03:50]
• Nate Bargatze: Returning; plugs his movie "Breadwinner." Nate jokes about straddling the church/comedy world: "I do church shows, and then I come here." [05:33]
• Shane Gillis: Former champion, on a current hot streak. Shane: "I love this show. It’s a truly great show." [07:34]

Hosts banter about new fans, repeat festival-goers, and the live crowd's energy.

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The Game: Rules & Stakes [07:57–10:14]

• Each panelist submits 3–5 anonymous stories tied to "panic."
• Producer Alex selects and reads 8 to the panel.
• The group debates, then votes on the author; correct guesses get 2 points, and fooling others wins you 1 point each.
• Prize: "Think Like A Pancreas"—an actual book (played for laughs, and self-deprecating diabetic humor from the comics).
  Shane: "I genuinely do need this book." [10:00]

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Stories

Story 1: The Urinal Incident [11:03–18:35]

Summary: In second grade, someone peed their pants before reaching the urinal, then covered up by splashing water everywhere and blaming a "urinal explosion."
Banter:

• Crowd guesses, debate elementary school bathroom details and lingo (“peed” vs “pissed”).
• Big Jay: "I would say this is something that could have happened to me in those years." [15:45]

Reveal: Aaron Weber’s story. He recalls soaking himself, running for the janitor, and not fooling any adults.
Quote: "I was just like, I guess I'm just wet today. What now?" – Aaron Weber [18:31]

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Story 2: The Van Panic Attack [19:37–26:59]

Summary: Someone has a panic attack in the crowded back of a van; everyone has to get out so they can sit up front. Banter:

• Nate’s claustrophobia, van logistics, and festival travel nightmares.
• Big Jay: "Most people were just like, we're gonna put him in the front, and then everyone will sort out the back situation." [22:00]
• Nate: "Everybody's gotta get out. And then I had to sit up front." [25:02]

Reveal: Nate Bargatze; triggered at Just for Laughs; started lifelong claustrophobia issues.

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Story 3: The One Night Stand Bolt [32:39–37:59]

Summary: After a one-night stand, a woman sprints out the door—turns out, just late for work, but terrifying for the storyteller. Banter:

• Jay and Lewis argue who is more likely to get abandoned, with claims of relationship infidelity and one-night stands.
• Shane: "I've never talked about hookups." ["That's a good 30 minutes in your last special," says Aaron.] [37:12]

Reveal: Shane Gillis.
Quote: "The thing that scared me most was she didn't let on she was late for work...she just sprinted to the train." – Shane [37:30]

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Story 4: Playboy Collection Destroyed [39:47–48:42]

Summary: Locked out, a boy watches his sister destroy his prized Playboy collection. Banter:

• Debates about age (generational porn: Playboy vs. Hustler), sibling betrayals.
• Aaron is suspected because of his age, but the hosts throw suspicion back and forth.

Reveal: Luis J. Gomez.
Quote: "She [sister] locked me out, went to my room, got my entire Playboy collection, and started tearing them one by one as I cried real tears." – Luis [47:17]

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Story 5: Poop Trick Panic [53:41–62:31]

Summary: On a dare, a friend tricks the storyteller into picking up poop; the mom bursts in, calls storyteller's mom to say their sons are gay. Banter:

• Shane's "trademark" use of "gay," debate over language and who would actually be tricked.
• Lewis: "This could be why [Big J] wears fingerless gloves the rest of his life." [56:38]

Reveal: Big Jay Okerson.
Quote: "He was holding a piece of his own poop with one slice of toilet paper...I like, yelped. His mom came at me and saw what was happening, and he dropped the poop, and I ran out." – Big Jay [61:58]

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Story 6: Dining & Dashing [68:04–74:11]

Summary: On a date, a debit card gets declined; panicked, the storyteller sneaks out without paying. Banter:

• Nate and Aaron debate the ethics and logistics; generational differences in payment methods.
• Aaron: "I'm so opposed to doing this. I've worked in restaurants." [71:36]

Reveal: Aaron Weber—left during a high school homecoming group dinner and never lived down the guilt.

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Story 7: Drunk Mom Down the Stairs [76:25–86:32]

Summary: A mom, drunk on wine, falls down the stairs and gets knocked out. Family panics; someone refuses mouth to mouth. Banter:

• Deep dives into the comics’ family histories—who had stairs, who drank, southern/wine culture.
• Lewis: "[Shane's] a college athlete... would know mouth to mouth." [79:23]

Reveal: Shane Gillis.
Quote: "I thought she was dead...she had purple from the wine and Oreos in her mouth...My sister looked at me like, 'you gotta give her mouth to mouth,' and I was still like, no." – Shane [85:29]

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Story 8: The Suppository Fiasco [89:32–97:20]

Summary: At 12, given a suppository and claims to manage it—but never removes it from the packaging. Lies about taking it. Banter:

• Laughs over who would have a family gathering for a suppository, plastic wrappers, and southern medicine rites of passage.
• Multiple panelists push for Big Jay to earn the first zero-point game by voting for him ("You're at the doorstep of doing bad greatness" – Shane, [88:36])

Reveal: Nate Bargatze.
Quote: "I put the whole plastic thing up there. It hurt. And I just didn't do it. I realized years later—that's why it's shaped like a bullet." – Nate [96:08]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Historic Zero: Big Jay Okerson earns the first ever zero-point game. [97:20]
  • Shane: "Guy plays it every week. That's crazy. You have zero. Well, play it every week." [87:35]
  • Lewis: "Zero, zero, zero, zero..." (crowd chants along) [97:40]
• Rivalry & Team Dynamics: Lewis and Jay consistently accuse each other and fall for each other's tricks, damaging each other's scores.
• Meta Humor: Shane and Aaron call out strategic off-mic whispering and accuse each other of gaming the game.
• Southern/East Coast Divide: Multiple jokes revolve around cultural touchpoints—wine tastings, Playboys, debit cards, and religious upbringings.

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Scoreboard Updates (Cumulative, after each round—select milestones)

• After Story 1: Aaron leads.
• After Story 4: Shane overtakes with 7 points, Jay at zero.
• After Story 6: Jay still at zero, Lewis climbs to the lead at 14 points.
• Going into Final Story: Lewis (18), Shane (15), Nate (14), Aaron (13), Jay (0).
• Final Scores: Nate snatches victory in the last round with 20 points; Aaron (13), Lewis (18), Shane (19), Jay (0).

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Final Reflections & Closing

• All comics take pride both in successful deceptions and in humiliating failures (especially Jay’s zero).
• The emotional seesaw between wanting to win and wanting Jay to "make history" with zero points becomes running commentary.
• Nate’s Final Victory: Pulled off with a story so personal and unexpectedly weird, it fooled nearly the whole panel—culminating in a legendary comeback.

Big Jay (final words): "Do you guys know that double zero is still zero? Holy shit. What a game."

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Essential Listening Timestamps

• [03:22] — Panelist introductions & festival banter
• [07:57] — Game rules explained
• [11:03] — Story #1: The Urinal Explosion
• [19:37] — Story #2: Van Panic Attack
• [32:39] — Story #3: One Night Stand Bolt
• [39:47] — Story #4: Playboy Collection
• [53:41] — Story #5: Poop Trick Panic
• [68:04] — Story #6: Dining & Dashing
• [76:25] — Story #7: Drunk Mom Down the Stairs
• [89:32] — Story #8: Suppository Fiasco
• [97:20] — Final scores and zero-point history

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Tone & Style

The tone is rowdy, irreverent, and deeply self-deprecating. The panel oscillates between roaring laughter, ruthless ribbing, and honest storytelling, with a side of genuine friendship and old-school roast humor.

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This was one for the books: a high-wire comedic contest about panic, full of double-crosses, personal admissions, and the infamous debut zero on Story Warz.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[B]

Hey guys, go right now and check out my road [e-mail]. the greatest yep or Alive tour happening right now with dates coming up. You can catch me at the Comedy Mothership New York Comedy Club in Stanford, Connecticut. Spokane, Washington. Minneapolis, Minnesota. Buffalo, New York. Look for a city near you. It never ends. [e-mail] and check me out on the

[C]

road on the Rattle Me this tour. This weekend I'll be in Fort Myers, Florida. After that I'm in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City, Rosemont, Illinois and Chicago. Go to my website, louisofskanks.com and grab tickets to see me on the road. All right, let's start the show.

[D]

Fill her up.

[E]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Nashville Comedy

[F]

Festival, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Oman.

[B]

What is up? Nashville Comedy Festival. Welcome to the show. Make some noise in here, please.

[F]

Holy sold out show. Second night here at the Nashville Comedy Festival. We're excited to be here. Look at it. Look at this crowd. What a crowd. Guys, look at this. I see some familiar faces that were here last night. Like this guy right here.

[B]

Yeah, the one ethnic guy.

[F]

The one brown person.

[B]

Oh, surprise. We recognize the one ethnic guy came back. Thank you, sir, for flavoring up this audience. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[F]

And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Get out, you pieces of shit.

[B]

Piece of shit.

[F]

This isn't for you. It's our secret down here.

[B]

It's our time.

[F]

We're never gonna be as famous as Kill Tony if we treat our new fans like this.

[B]

I've been saying that for months. I like that you just came to it now yourself. We probably shouldn't boo new people and maybe embrace the fact that we'll get new fans, huh? If you're not familiar with the game, it's your first time watching. We will absolutely fill you in on how the game works after we get our amazing, amazing panel up here. Our first contestant with a score of zero and zero. He's never been.

[F]

Never been on the show.

[B]

Never been on the show. First time ever on the show. He is currently on tour. Make some noise for the hilarious Aaron Weber.

[F]

Aaron, very happy to have you on Story Wars. How have you been preparing for this amazing opportunity?

[G]

I'm a huge fan of the show. I'm a huge fan of everybody on the show tonight. So this is a big deal for me just to be on this stage. I'm trying to figure out the chair behind me, but other than that.

[B]

Yeah, I'm having a hard time myself.

[G]

I will say this. I'm glad you brought me out first just because I know who the. I know who the lineup is. So I'm pretty excited.

[F]

Yeah, it's a great lineup. Thanks for. Thanks for being a part of it. He finally sat down. Guys,

[B]

we did it.

[G]

We're off to the races now.

[B]

That was the longest we've ever had to vamp for someone to sit down. I don't mind that. I don't mind that.

[F]

Our second competitor has been on Story wars in the past. Owen One is his record. He's got a movie in theaters May 29th called Breadwinner. Put your hands together for the one and only Nate Bargazi. Nate, thank you for being here tonight.

[B]

I said the crowd wouldn't recognize.

[F]

Nate's gotten so famous that he doesn't care. He's like, I'll associate with these psychopaths.

[D]

I was on. I was on Legion of skinks.

[F]

I know the. These are terrible ideas.

[D]

I know.

[F]

Where's your agent?

[D]

I'm the edgiest person up here because what I'm doing and being associated with YouTube.

[B]

True.

[D]

Could it be more edgier?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. We're hacks. Well, thank you for being here.

[D]

I do church shows, and then I come here. Here.

[B]

Super churches.

[D]

Yeah, I'm a church guy, dude.

[B]

Oh, dude, you really are. You're a couple million dollars away from being able to touch a black person. Back to life.

[F]

Hell, yes.

[B]

Last but not least, our final contestant has been on the show before. He is a returning story warrior with a 1 and 2 record, currently wrapping production on his show Tires. Make some noise. Shane Gillis. Dude, all this. This energy. There was a guy last night after the show. We had a great show here last night. And.

[F]

And it was a. It was. I'll say it was a great show. If you only got tickets for last night's show and not tonight's show, you're gonna be bummed out.

[B]

Well, so this guy comes up to me and he goes, man, that was a great show. He goes, man, that's going to really suck if tomorrow Shane Gillis is on. And I went. I went like this. I went, come on, man, you can't live your life like that. How much fun did you have tonight, my man? Holy shit.

[F]

Happy to have you back. You are former story warrior, returning Star wars favorite.

[E]

Yes, Shane.

[F]

Shane came up to me before the show. He said he was very excited to be back on the show.

[E]

It's. I love this show.

[F]

Hell yeah.

[E]

It's a truly great show.

[B]

Well, we got a great one coming up. I'll explain it to some of these dumb idiots.

[E]

No, that's all I got on this.

[B]

But these are just the jabs.

[D]

Are you doing shots of white claw?

[B]

I do, I do. See how it can read like that?

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I do a power hour with white claws every show. You'll notice every minute I just pound a little bit of white claw and then I take my shirt off and run around the room. If it's your first time listening or watching at home, it's a very, very simple game. Story Wars. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic, pan. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time. It will be at random. They will appear here on this screen. If it's your story, it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[F]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story on that screen, that is an opportunity to collect four points. It's a huge, huge, huge opportunity. We. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board and put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand, that is it. That is your final answer. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, we have a lot of fun here on Story Wars. Everyone that's played it before, you guys know it's a lot of fun. Aaron, you're going to have a ton of fun. But guess what? We're not Playing for fun, Jay. Let them know what we're playing for today.

[B]

Stakes is high, boys. Tonight's winner takes home a book from the Story of Wars library, like, every week. And tonight, you take home Think Like a Pancreas by Gary Shiner. Think Like a Pancreas explains how people with diabetes can take control of their blood sugar by learning to dose insulin the way a healthy pancreas would. It breaks down how to match insulin to food, activity, and daily routines, making the process feel more manageable and predictable.

[E]

I. I genuinely do need this book.

[B]

Well, God damn it.

[E]

It's very important to me, fellas.

[D]

I think we should all read it, to be honest.

[B]

Look, nobody on this panel couldn't benefit from checking out the book.

[E]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Thumbing through it a little bit. I think everybody that's gonna get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. But is this crowd ready for war?

[F]

Nashville Comedy Festival, are you ready for war?

[B]

Don't you shit on Lewis's picnic. God damn it, Shane.

[F]

You'd let me have my thing.

[B]

Equally as exciting.

[E]

Mine's so much better.

[B]

Without any further ado, Alex, please. Story number one.

[H]

Story number one. In second grade, I peed my pants before I could get to the urinal. Instead of admitting what happened, I wet the rest of my body with water from the sink, intentionally flooded the bathroom and told everyone the urinal exploded on me.

[D]

It's not.

[F]

Oh, man. That is a relatable ass story.

[E]

I really.

[B]

I was like. I could see myself doing this idea. This is a good idea.

[F]

Yeah. I peed my bed, my pants, my bed in the second grade. And then I took all of my

[B]

sheets and hung yourself?

[F]

I tried to hang.

[B]

Your mom found you and cut you down.

[F]

I threw them all behind my dresser. My dresser. Because I was embarrassed and.

[D]

Why my mom slept with no sheets

[F]

for the rest of your life as a problem?

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

I went through the whole day wondering how I was going to explain no sheets. I didn't think that far ahead. So eventually I just had to tell my mom.

[D]

Luckily, your parents weren't on all on top of you growing up, and they probably didn't get there to see.

[B]

And then she. When she found out, she didn't care. This.

[G]

Can I ask a question?

[E]

Do you.

[G]

Did they change the wording of these at all or anything like that?

[B]

Yes. To not give away things.

[G]

I don't think Nate used the word intentionally.

[F]

I was going to say, I don't think Nate got to the second grade,

[E]

but peed Peed instead of piss.

[D]

I got second grade multiple times

[B]

pissed, Billy Madison style.

[E]

Yeah, Pete is a Southern gentleman's talk.

[G]

Oh.

[D]

Oh.

[G]

How would you say that?

[B]

Piss.

[D]

Okay, well, it's a wild animal over here.

[E]

I miss my pants. You don't poop your pants.

[B]

You.

[D]

Your pants sounds.

[E]

You piss your pants, you go fight.

[D]

You sounds like a guy that's headlining the Eagles Stadium.

[E]

That's what that sounds like.

[D]

Will it be officially years when you get the whole Eagle Stadium to do that? And then it's.

[E]

Oh, of course.

[F]

I also, like. You don't do that either. You just go.

[E]

It's much more fun.

[F]

Dude, the people have spoken off.

[B]

100,000 people will do that.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

That is going to definitely usurp this situation.

[F]

Yeah. Peed my pants before I got to the urinal. It does sound like this is somebody who is, you know, teetering.

[D]

Well, the weird part is before I got there and then, like, instead of admitting what happened, they wet the rest of their body. So how many people were they interacting with before they got to the urinal? Like, where did they pee their pants?

[B]

Oh, you think there's somebody else who might know the information?

[G]

Well, I'm just saying they were in the bathroom.

[E]

Where were you when you.

[D]

But then they said, so instead of admitting what happened,

[B]

what's talking about when they go back to class?

[D]

Oh, okay.

[B]

They can't be like, so they just wet everything.

[F]

I feel like Aaron's trying to make everyone understand the story right now. Yeah, he's going, no, no, you don't understand, though. But before he got there, he actually.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

It's also a pretty smart move for a second grader. You're a pretty smart guy.

[D]

Seems like you're fooling us. It's more of a fifth grade thing.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Trying to pull the wool over my eyes, brainiac.

[F]

Yeah, I'm definitely getting Aaron vibes on this one.

[G]

From what?

[F]

Number one, that very angry defensive tone. Yeah, that was crazy. I've never seen you be anything but

[D]

swear it's not me.

[B]

Come on, guys.

[G]

I'm trying to think if we even had urinals in my elementary school bathroom.

[B]

They have troughs.

[D]

He goes, we did.

[G]

I mean, we had a trough.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Like, where were you? The vet? It's the stadium.

[G]

Speed Catholic Elementary School, Montgomery, Alabama.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Maybe every.

[D]

They had separate bathrooms.

[F]

You know what I mean?

[B]

The school uniform was overalls.

[D]

Huh.

[F]

Also big J's from Philly. Like, having a flooded bathroom would make sense.

[D]

That would be, I would imagine, every day in Philly, like, You just. The bath. All bathrooms are flooded.

[F]

The kids smell like piss. The bathroom is flooded.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Black people.

[D]

I think it was. See I, I, I like. I mean I. You've almost convinced me there and. But I, I don't mind Jay on this.

[B]

Sure. This does.

[D]

This sounds like something Jay would do.

[G]

I did a.

[B]

It absolutely does.

[D]

And Jay remembers. You remember. So I always. You always remember like stuff from so long ago. I don't remember second grade because it

[B]

probably pretty good for you. These were humiliating years for me. I would say this is something that could have happened to me in those years.

[F]

Yeah. When you peak in the third grade. You remember those years.

[D]

I know. Every time. Second grade. Only a J could remember second grade. Ping.

[B]

Now I think it's Nate.

[F]

I'm getting. All right. It's Big J or Aaron. We got to get some voting going, guys. Story number one.

[D]

Not you.

[B]

Which is going to be funny if it is. I think it's over here.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

But I don't know who you think it's Lewis.

[F]

I'm gonna get the voting going. Big J's doing some acting right now. A little bit of song and dance. He's gonna write my name real quick. That's what he does.

[E]

Charge on picking suspects.

[D]

That was. Yeah, this was my gut was Big J from the get go.

[B]

Who you writing? Shane.

[G]

I'm going Shane. He just kind of sat back and let us litigate that. So I'm gonna go Shane.

[B]

It's not me.

[E]

I think it's Aaron.

[D]

Oh, he just said it's not him.

[E]

But the votes are already cast. The votes are already cast.

[D]

Why did you put that?

[F]

Who'd you put? Look, see? They know. They know it's not me. You know in your heart it's not me either.

[B]

I also. Why did you want me to change it then? So you.

[F]

No, no.

[B]

You think it's me.

[F]

I think it's you. It doesn't matter what you wrote. Can I say this before we even Alex. He votes for me before even Alex gives the thing for the people that don't know this. Don't play the game every week. Big J always. And he's admitted this much. Every story he starts off going. And in his head he really means this. That is Louis. And then he has to work backwards from there to convince himself that it's somebody else.

[B]

Punctuation, politeness, words like intentionally. Which Lewis could be trying to make you think it is a smarter person.

[F]

That was a mistake. Jay. Alex. All of our answers are in story number one.

[B]

Who does it Belong to Shane or Aaron?

[H]

Story number one belongs to Aaron Weber.

[D]

I knew it. I knew it.

[E]

We're on the board, fellas.

[G]

I remember that day well. Second grade, beginning of the day, I had to go to the bathroom. I sprinted down the hallway and I got like two feet in front of the urinal and just everything came out. So, like, I panicked and I created, like a crime scene in the bathroom. I splashed water from the sink everywhere. I was soaking wet. And then I went and got the maintenance guy and I was like, the toilets are. Something happened, dude. And then looking back, I don't think I fooled any of the adults, but they were cool about it.

[B]

Did they let you go home?

[G]

No, I was just like, I guess I'm just wet today. What now?

[B]

You had piss and fucking school sink water all over you.

[D]

And one dries faster than the other.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. Hey, why is that one part?

[D]

Because why is that part in your. That's crazy.

[B]

That's pretty cool.

[D]

Well, good.

[B]

Everything dried off. Well, wait a second.

[D]

Yeah, wait a second. That one.

[B]

Why is your zipper so sticky still?

[D]

Yeah. Does our water smell?

[F]

Alex, where are points at?

[H]

In second place, with two points, Shane Gillis.

[E]

We don't celebrate second.

[B]

Ooh, I'm sorry. I like it.

[D]

Ooh,

[E]

you love it, dude.

[B]

I love it. I love it.

[H]

And in the lead with three points, Aaron Weber.

[F]

Story number two.

[H]

Story number two. I was once in the backseat of a crowded van. I started to have a panic attack sitting in the third row. I made the driver stop the van, and everyone had to get out to let me sit up front.

[B]

What am I gonna crowd a van for? This is Nate going to a religious thing?

[E]

It's a religious thing.

[B]

Or Shane going to a football thing. Either way, bro.

[E]

You think I would have a panic attack on the way to a football thing?

[B]

I don't.

[D]

My back seat, though. I would.

[B]

Whoever was facing my enemy with a

[D]

headache, who I think would make everybody get out of a van, is your man down there.

[B]

You're not wrong. But why is he in a crowded van?

[D]

Well, you're just in a big. Yeah, I can imagine. You're in a van and that's your.

[F]

Dude.

[D]

I always.

[F]

I always call shotgun. I would have never been in that backseat to begin with.

[E]

Yeah, but.

[D]

I know, but you would. Then get in.

[F]

I have a. I'm a 44 year old man. Who still calls shotgun?

[B]

He does. And I'll tell you what, he's also a person who would delude himself to believe that he was having a panic attack. When that was just the thing he said to get into the front seat.

[F]

I've never. And I mean this, I've never, never had a panic attack.

[D]

I think you do everything pure.

[F]

Pure.

[B]

That's called undiagnosed.

[F]

That's not true.

[D]

Dude, let me tell you.

[F]

You should pure alpha because I panic

[D]

about your life every day.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I've seen you cry recalling the story of Milo and Otis. Something's wrong.

[F]

No, dude, that. You always tell that wrong. I was recalling watching Milo and Otis with my mother after washing it with my son. And I'll cry again right now. If I think about

[B]

was an emotional time.

[F]

It was a sweet moment.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you're. You and your mother watched that.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was one of your last memories.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you watched.

[F]

It was one of my last memories. No, she died when I was 22.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's right. I knew you never got to meet her.

[F]

Damn. Yeah. We were friends.

[B]

We were friends. I don't remember consoling you much.

[F]

You are. Jay. Here's the thing. You have panic attacks.

[D]

That is true.

[E]

What situation would Jay be in? A van with people.

[D]

He goes to corn.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

On his way to a Corn concert.

[D]

I mean, he got one of his. One of his festivals where there's nothing but panic attacks happening because it's crowded.

[B]

Panic attack fest.

[G]

But would he have the power to make the entire.

[E]

Yes, but pull over.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Can I tell you something, Jay?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Play the odds here a little bit. Big Fat J. Most people were just like, we're gonna put him in the front, and then everyone will sort out the back situation. So whatever this crowd of van was, Nate's not wrong. I will bring a lot of people to go see corn for sure. I want to win.

[D]

I've been in one of those cars. I've been in those cars.

[B]

Of course, you got to sit there and listen while I tell you the background of every song. Yeah, but that wasn't my panic attack times where I would be in a van situation. That's why I'm still. This is Nate or fucking Jay.

[F]

You're currently dressed like a cat burglar. I realized. You're the guy that cracks the safe. That's why you don't have fingers.

[D]

He just listened.

[F]

I can see that. I know that Jay has panic attacks, but he was. He started to have them at a certain time.

[B]

Yeah. 30s, but.

[F]

No, but hold on one second. Let me say this, okay? He started having them. Oh, I got you pegged. You. You started having them when he was going on tour with Korn. This is probably when he was back, like, going between on the actual tour.

[B]

But he did.

[E]

He's looking at me like, yeah, that is true.

[B]

Let me tell you something.

[D]

You would have been nothing in, but you were on, like, a boat with them.

[B]

Can I put you guys in a weird situation here? Because it's going to. Because it is for me. It's just a little less. Because I know it's not me. But that was such a fucking good explanation for how this could be me that it makes me think, if it's not me, which is not, it's definitely Louis. That must be very difficult for you guys. I mean, I'm just right, Big J. I'm running Louis. How could this. Not that. That he wrote that to be me. And he had that wonderful fucking plan worked out.

[E]

Oh, I like it. Aaron.

[B]

Hey, is this more important than mine? Wow. Whoa.

[F]

He writes. Aaron writes Nate. Why'd you write Nate?

[G]

Aaron, I know Nate gets claustrophobic and I. He's the only one on this.

[F]

Wow. And Shane writes Nate.

[E]

Listen.

[D]

He copied off Aaron.

[E]

We gotta stop this, man. I thought it was a little kid.

[B]

We gotta stop what we're doing. We gotta stop what we're doing. We're going at each other. Both of us said, it's definitely Nader.

[H]

Shane.

[B]

And then we start going at each other. And I'm like, well, if it's you, because you're saying me, I'm not gonna that. So I'm saying you. And then we're out of the game. And then we lose all of our books, and both of us are gonna have diabetic issues. Alex, it's not me or Louis. I know it isn't. It's Shane. You. Oh, you're so giggly.

[H]

Story number two belongs to Nate Bargazi.

[B]

It was fucking Jesus camp.

[D]

Look, let me tell you how good a friend you know. How long have we been best friends? Basically, 23 years. 23 years. I told that in my special. So.

[B]

In fairness, Nate, you know this about me. I only watch people bomb. I don't watch any comedy except people bombing. I know. You're doing great.

[F]

How old were you when this happened?

[D]

It was at Just for Laughs. Soder was in the van. We were at Just for Laughs. The pr. Like, the guy that ran Just For Last at the time was in the van. He was in the. He was up front. This is like, before I realized I had claustrophobe, but he was like, you know, I was confused by it. And we're in the and we're in this van. I'll get in the back, and we make it two blocks. And I was like, everybody's gotta get out. And then I had to. And I sit up front. And then I immediately was like, now I have to take stuff. So. But it was. I mean, soda was. I mean, I was like. Because it. When I had said it in my. In the act, but it was like, you go from, like.

[F]

I mean. I know. I know the joke was say it again.

[D]

Just for the owners, just for everybody.

[B]

Yeah, the little habit hurt some of these people.

[D]

Happened on a Simpsons ride at the Universal. So I. I got stuck on that. So that's where. That's where the. It was. The door was open, but I didn't realize then I'm in the back of this van, and you go from normal to, like, I'm gonna. I will punch everybody in the face if they don't get out. And that happens pretty quick. And so I made the guy pull over, and then I sit up front. And then I flew on, like, a flight to Pittsburgh for some, you know, for the Pittsburgh funny bone or something the next day. And I was like, just sitting on the. And I'm like, this is. I was like, this ain't. Something's wrong, dude. And like, you know, and so that's when all my claustrophobia started. And so now. Yeah, so there it is.

[B]

You got some nice points there. Because me and Lewis are. Have a problem with each other that is unresolved.

[F]

Yeah, it's okay. We're gonna be better.

[D]

How'd you get a point? I have to be making y' all fight. Yeah, that should be something. Just for making y' all fight.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Me and Big J will argue over anything.

[B]

Me and Lewis have a real date with destiny one day.

[F]

Me and Jay are gonna have it out physically.

[E]

Dude.

[B]

Apollo Creed and Rocky, dude, it sucks.

[D]

Ding, ding.

[E]

The show's. The show's gonna be very successful. You're gonna have to do this. You're gonna have to keep working together right now.

[B]

Well, it's gonna keep on.

[D]

Well, once you guys fight each other to death, I will then clean up the show and go put it on nb.

[F]

So it's a better show.

[D]

Yeah, it will be a big show. When you see me, a huge show, I hope James. James will be very much a part of the show.

[B]

When you see the faces on our managers and agents, faces when they go, man, if it just wasn't you guys, if it just wasn't you guys, this thing would already be that's what we

[F]

should call the show.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

If it just wasn't you guys, it just wasn't you.

[D]

You could be on every day of the week. You would take over prices is right.

[B]

Yes.

[F]

You, Ellen, Alex, two stories down, where are our points at?

[H]

In third place with two points, Nate Bargetsi. In second place with four points, Shane Gillis.

[D]

He doesn't celebrate first downs. He doesn't celebrate first downs. He goes.

[E]

We expect it.

[H]

And in first place with five points, Aaron Weber.

[B]

Dude, we can't let ourselves get clouded with personal confrontation.

[F]

No, we got this.

[B]

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[C]

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[F]

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[C]

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[F]

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[C]

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[B]

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[F]

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[B]

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[C]

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[F]

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[C]

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[F]

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[C]

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[F]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[F]

Alex, story number three.

[B]

Both have zero.

[H]

Story number three. I had a one Night stand. We said goodbye in the morning and after I closed the door, I saw her run as fast as she could down the street. Turns out she was.

[F]

Hold on, hold on.

[B]

She's in a personal vendetta.

[E]

Hold on.

[F]

Let her finish the story. Let her finish the hilarious, smart, funny story.

[H]

Turns out she was just late for work. But it was still terrifying.

[B]

Dude, Louis, this is how you live your life.

[F]

Jay, this is not me. I've had plenty of one night stands. I've had plenty of women run out of my house.

[B]

You're not afraid every time.

[F]

To you, it's nothing to do with me.

[D]

I know it's not us.

[B]

Yes.

[E]

Yeah, I would literally. I would never talk about that. Well, I would never.

[D]

Huh?

[E]

I've never talked about this.

[F]

Shane would talk about this.

[D]

No, it's there. It's heavy. That side. Unless you're tricking everybody and you're doing it.

[E]

I don't talk about that stuff.

[D]

What do you. You talk.

[F]

Don't talk about sex.

[B]

I'm going to put. Listen, it's not them. Yeah, it's not them. It's not me. So for, for me, it's definitely Louis.

[D]

It's either. It's either.

[B]

But if it's you, Shane, I want you to know something. It's gonna hurt me. Hey, it'll hurt.

[E]

I haven't talked about sexual stuff in.

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

Here's what. No, I think it's. I'm. I. I'm actually going. J. And I can tell you why, personally. Because Lewis. No, because you said, turns out she was just late for work. You would put that. Lewis would just put. It was terrifying. And make it.

[B]

Oh, I thought you were saying also I would be someone who would. Someone who has a job.

[D]

No, no, no, no, no.

[E]

You're also quick to write Lewis.

[B]

Jay.

[F]

But let me say this about J. I didn't really have one night since Jay always had a wife. So it was never like a one night stand. It was more like a long, drawn out series of relationships behind his wife's back.

[D]

Yeah, but that would now make me think it's you.

[F]

What?

[B]

That aggressive way, the way he just attacked me and said a bunch of crazy.

[D]

Huh?

[F]

Look, he's getting nervous.

[B]

By the way, that looks so bad. Oh, that looks so bad.

[D]

I think it's. But like, that's. So we're doing this. Exactly you. Dude.

[B]

Everyone, it's Lewis for sure.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm telling you, I know this one is him. That was crazy.

[G]

Well, you've known these guys forever.

[D]

I'VE known forever.

[G]

Do they live in a part of town where it would be smart to sprint? Do you understand? Like, if it's like.

[D]

No. Well, they. Well, we all lived in. We all lived next door to each other. That was not a place you would sprint. Okay. That wouldn't have happened there. I don't think it would have really happened for either of you there. Yeah, I think what gets me is it turns out she was late for work. So it's like. It's not like the joke's on you. That's what I mean.

[F]

She was a garbage man. It was 4 in the morning.

[D]

It's the way it's worded is what. Like, I think if Lewis wrote it, he would say, after I closed the door, I saw her run out as fast as she could down the street. It was terrifying. I don't think you would put. Well, she was just late for work because. Late. If she's late for work, then it's like not that funny. It's more of like, I feel like this is that.

[F]

That meme on. On Twitter where all like the numbers and the letters are going across his face right now?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Who?

[B]

Who?

[D]

You.

[E]

Right now.

[D]

Right now. I'm going, J.

[B]

What?

[D]

I'm going, J. I'm going.

[B]

You just convinced me it was Louis.

[D]

I know. Well, Louis got me with.

[B]

You might be right, Lewis. That's.

[D]

I know. Shane makes me nervous because it's.

[B]

Ah.

[F]

I'm going, Shane. It's either Shane or Jay. A lot of people writing Lewis, you say, listen to me. Shane just cleaned up or Jay just cleaned up.

[B]

Oh, Shane.

[E]

Me.

[F]

Oh, Shane. Idiots.

[H]

Story number three belongs to Shane Gillis.

[E]

Now we're in first place.

[B]

Shane, you said it wasn't you.

[E]

Yeah, I know,

[B]

but you said that to me.

[G]

I feel like I'm the only one that's seen any of your specials up here because he's like, I never talk about sex in my act.

[E]

It was a good 30 minute chunk

[G]

in the middle of the last one

[E]

that I felt like that was a fun one. I never talk about hookups.

[G]

Okay.

[E]

I was in a relationship.

[G]

There's a clear line.

[E]

But no, this is. That kind of the story spells it out pretty good. I watched her run down the street.

[D]

I think it was.

[E]

It was very. The thing that scared me the most was she didn't let on that she was late for work. So like we were leaving and she was like, okay, all right, see you like hug and all that. Then I closed the door, I looked out the window, sprinting to the train. I didn't. I didn't know what was going on. Oh.

[G]

There was no urgency before.

[E]

Not zero.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Zero or. And then I saw her run and I was like, holy,

[F]

you call the cops. You're like, oh, just in case she calls you. Just so you know.

[E]

But no, we actually. We did not do anything. Alcohol had taken control of my penis. That's probably why she ran. But it was very funny.

[F]

Beautiful. Very nice. Alex. Three stories down, where do we sit? On the scoreboard.

[H]

All right. In Last place with 0 points, Big J Okerson. Tied for third place with two points each, Luis J. Gomez and Nate Bargazzi. In the. In second place with five points, Aaron Weber. And in the lead with seven points, Shane Gillis.

[D]

That's a touchdown. That's why I cheered. You're at 7. You celebrate touchdowns, not first downs.

[E]

You're exactly right.

[D]

That's.

[B]

Man, I'm starting to feel like this book is out of my grip. Think like a Pancreas, which focuses on real life situations like adjusting insulin for exercise, handling sick days, or correcting unexpected highs and lows. It also walks through how to use tools like continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps in a practical step by step way. I'm not gonna get down. I feel like I'm still in this thing. Alex, please. Story number four, make it mine.

[H]

Story number four. I was once locked out of my house while my entire Playboy collection was being destroyed. I watched through the window in a panic.

[B]

I know you wanna say me, but I never had a collection of Playboys. I had filthy porn from day one.

[G]

Do you think it means destroyed by a parent?

[E]

Taren,

[B]

I do think it's Aaron. I do think it's Aaron. That's Aaron in my mind.

[E]

You guys think it means by a parent? Obviously. Dude. Is it a dog?

[F]

Raccoons.

[B]

This could be Lewis. This could be Lewis.

[F]

I. I mean, I literally. I never had a collection of Playboys. I had a couple. I had a couple Playboys, but it was like. Mostly it was real porn magazines. Hustler, Penthouse.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's why I had filth. But I'm saying.

[F]

But who would dish. My mom. My mom bought me my first play. My mom's up destroying my Playboy magazine. My mom bought me a dirty man.

[E]

She would have.

[B]

Why?

[F]

Yeah, why?

[B]

She wanted you already be hard when she came in.

[F]

Yeah,

[B]

Sorry, Nate. We'll take that out of the actual. It's fine.

[F]

That'll be on the guest digital version. The YouTube version will have no such filth. Yeah, I mean, Playboy. This Also, like, I know we're not thinking Nate or Aaron because they are cleaner comics, but Playboy's pretty. Yeah, we all had Playboys when we were kids.

[B]

That's almost what I mean.

[F]

Aaron, you had a Playboy when you were a kid, right?

[G]

Nobody had.

[E]

Until it got destroyed when I.

[G]

When I was growing up.

[F]

How old are you?

[G]

That's right, 34.

[F]

Oh, you're young. That's right.

[G]

Magazines disqualifies me.

[E]

Did not have any.

[G]

I'm focused on the window. Who grew up in a house where you could look through a window into your bedroom? I don't know a lot about New York. It doesn't feel like you, though, right?

[E]

How do you know it was the bedroom when it happened?

[D]

He was in Rockford.

[G]

Do you think he kept his Playboys in the kitchen or something?

[E]

Like maybe they brought him down to destroy.

[D]

He goes, you know what? I'm back to thinking it's a dog that did it.

[B]

Who's Shaq?

[E]

Who's Shaquille o'? Neal?

[D]

I think Sport. I think sport did it.

[F]

There's a good chance it's a dog. Why did. Why is it worded this way?

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

While my entire Playboy collection was being

[B]

destroyed, losing him, a plastic journey at sport. Sport was destroying so many other things.

[F]

Sport would never do that. Sport would look at the Playboys with me and smoke a cigarette. He was a cool dog.

[B]

Chicks are hot, right? I feel like this is Aaron, you're saying.

[F]

The only reason I'm saying not Aaron is because Aaron is young. 34. That's 10 years younger than me. They didn't. That next generation didn't have. They had porn. You had magazines.

[B]

No. Yeah, Playboy, Playboy.

[F]

Almost the point. Hold on. You're 34.0.

[E]

It's like.

[B]

It's Playboy magazines is just a specific thing. They're looking for porn. You can get your hands on Playboy. Maybe easier than, like. Like Playboy is at a Barnes and Noble. You know what I mean?

[G]

Were they really.

[D]

Yeah, that's what you said.

[F]

Last look at Aaron, he was like, were they really? Who? I didn't know that. Aaron. Aaron, this is.

[G]

Well, who would either of you have a family where they would be upset that you had a collection?

[E]

No.

[B]

My mother, my little brother, one time we used to show him when he was a little, really little, me and my friends would show him my porn magazines until he said the words big tits. And I had him in a telescope box above my closet.

[D]

I would never tell.

[B]

No telescope. And one day, I think a TV show came on that had tits. On it. And my brother started saying big tits. Big tits. And then like a. Like a hound dog led my mother up to my room and pointed at the box and my mom touched the box and it just rained hardcore pornography all over. So.

[F]

And by the way, that image is what I can come to.

[B]

And that was a fun story to tell, but it's why I know.

[D]

I think it is you.

[B]

This is Aaron Weber.

[F]

Shane and Nate are having their own strategic conversation. What is going on over there made

[B]

me lose pretty heavy confidence in my story.

[F]

I was telling what's going on over there.

[D]

Hey, Lewis and Jay are here.

[E]

Sorry, I will just say this for the record. If it is Nate, he is a psycho. No, because he just was like I would never do that.

[D]

I would not do. I would not write the. That story.

[E]

And I'd be too. I would never have porn in my house.

[B]

Why didn't you say that to a microphone?

[E]

Well, yeah, that's what makes me thinks he's tricking me.

[D]

No, but he was. I know, but I. It makes me think. I just can't imagine. I mean, I think you would have it. Jay, I don't know. If you had a family that would destroy it.

[B]

My family.

[D]

I think your stepdad would just take it.

[B]

That's pretty cool.

[F]

You came from like a good Christian household. If you're. If you're. If your dad saw your Playboy, he would.

[B]

Dude, burn it.

[D]

And I'm going to tell you right now, put into a hat. No, I. I never had. And I would never even admit it

[E]

now for that's what I just said last round.

[D]

So I think it's him.

[E]

I would never buy defense. I just. He just saw it work. Dude.

[B]

You.

[D]

That's what.

[B]

I don't know if you saw before about last round point when Shane betrayed me and it hurt.

[F]

Yeah, I don't think the other thing is I don't think Nate would admit to having a whole Playboy collection.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty benign. Playboy collection is like ah. I was a kid. That's Everybody did that. It is.

[D]

There's part of me wants to take Aaron too, but I would. I think I'd be surprised for you to actually put that down.

[E]

Would you be disappointed?

[B]

You gonna fire him? Oh, no. Oh, you just wrote your ticket off of Nateland, bro.

[F]

You're no longer Playboy collection.

[B]

That didn't come up in your resume.

[D]

Resume.

[F]

We did our background check on you.

[G]

Yeah, I think it's Shane. It's not because I think I. I think he had a nice family. I think they were upset. Yeah, he had a window.

[E]

I would have got. I think you're out of me.

[G]

That's the point of this story. This is part of the punishment.

[B]

And Shane, let me tell you, I think it would be unfair for me to call Playboy collection what I had. I'd be like, that's cheating. That was trying to throw people off.

[G]

You had a library.

[F]

I'm going, Aaron.

[B]

Oof.

[F]

I think that Aaron had a Playboy collection.

[B]

Hey, man, we both said Aaron.

[E]

Hey.

[F]

Hey, turkey.

[B]

Hey, Alex, let us know. This is Aaron for sure. Definitely

[H]

story number four belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Give me my fucking hand. Turkey back. Why would you have done that with me? I now retroactively look like a fucking idiot. I did this to you. I did a friends for life thing. This is like a picture they'll show when we're both dead. Like that one. You dude. Wow.

[F]

Burning J really does make me laugh my fucking ass off. So this was when I was. Maybe I had a Playboy subscription. So they would get delivered to my house. My mom didn't give a fuck at all. I literally had them coming to my house every month. And my sister, this fucking fat bitch. Then, then she, she was two years older than me and I was. I'd be 13 or 14 at the time. And I had maybe a dozen Playboys. The one that really got me was. Was a Playboy with Pamela Anderson. Jay, you'll remember this one. She was. She was like on the beach. She had like sand, like stuck to her body. Oh, she was so hot in this Playboy. So my sister went and she, she locked me out of the house. We were arguing about something and she. It was like a shitty door, but it was like a latched door. It was on my back porch and she went to my room, got my entire Playboy collection and started tearing them one by one in front of me as I as a 14 year old boy cried real tears.

[E]

It was like inception or no, Interstellar. You were on the other side, like, no.

[F]

Yes, dude. Real tears. Like she was hurting something that was alive, that I loved my stuff.

[B]

Oh, my gals.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh, I just cleaned up. That was a good round. That was a good round for me. Alex, where are our points at? Four stories down.

[H]

All right. In last place with still zero points, Big J. Okerson.

[B]

Shut up.

[H]

In fourth place with two points, Nate Bargazzi. In third place with five points, Aaron Weber. In second place with six points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with seven points, Shane Gillispie.

[B]

You want to know what Lewis leaned over and said to me. He leaned over to me and he goes, remember, dude, no one's ever gotten zero.

[F]

It's true. That'd be a huge milestone if Jay had zero points.

[B]

Pretty impressive.

[F]

We are at the halfway point of the show. Real quick. We're gonna have our guests do some quick plugs. Shane, what are you plugging my friend?

[E]

Shanemgillis.com hey, I'm on tour. Yeah.

[F]

Hey, Pargotsi.

[D]

Yeah, I'm on tour. And go take your family out to the breadwinner. May 29th.

[B]

Aaron Weber.

[G]

Aaron. Aaron Weber is my name. Aaron Weber, Comedy. I'm on tour. I'm all over too, so I appreciate it.

[D]

Thank you guys.

[F]

PJ Okerson.

[B]

Listen to the bonfire with me and Robert Kelly, faction talk series XM103 and of course the legion of skanks right here on the guest digital network. And we're also on tour, me and Lewis.

[F]

You go to my website, LewisOfSkanks.com. check out all the pods that I do. And if you love this show, you should know that we do a pre release every Monday night. You can get this show before it goes anywhere else, before it goes to YouTube or iTunes or anywhere else. Go to gasdigital.com it's uncensored and ad free. It's the way the show is meant to be heard. Plus you get the on demand library with a bunch of episodes, dozens of episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or anywhere else. GasDigital.com use that promo code, wars with a Z. And yeah, you save a couple bucks a month and it helps out the show directly clean.

[B]

All right. Oh, geez. Apologies everybody. I'm staring at this zero. It's really taking me down a peg.

[F]

It was Jay's head. It was hello darkness. Miles.

[B]

Yeah, I was just. It's also, we have like a sad background on the video they can't even see. And I was like, oh man, what is that?

[F]

Just.

[B]

Is that just a future? Just a bleak foggy forest?

[F]

Well, Jay, don't worry. Listen, I know you have zero points and at this point it seems like you're pretty far off, but you know better than anybody else that it's anyone's game.

[B]

Yeah, but I have to get anything going here. But I could technically, if no one else gets anything, take the lead in the next round. Cuz of course we go double points. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wham. Same person idiot. It's very, very simple concept.

[F]

Oh, the hot girl. Yay. Yay. Yay. Fuck you, you dumb hillbillies. Look at this hot chick. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, I really tried to get it to the hillbillies behind her and it just landed right in her lap. That's such a better thing. Dude.

[B]

You just bought yourself a trip to fucking Jamaica.

[F]

Sup, girl?

[B]

Sup, girl? It's a pretty simple concept. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you correct correctly guessed whose story it was, you got two points. But now that jumps up to double points. Shane, you are a fool. Former story warrior. If you want, you can lay that on him if you'd like.

[E]

What, this?

[B]

Yeah,

[E]

that's how USC go, Irish.

[F]

No, that's not. That's not what we meant.

[E]

Usc, bro.

[F]

All right.

[E]

Yeah. New one. Better one.

[B]

Pure gibberish to Lewis.

[F]

Well, the second half. Here we go. Alex, story number five.

[B]

Here I come.

[H]

Story number five. In grade school, a friend of mine dared me to watch him poop and pick up a piece of his poop. I said no, but he tricked me into it. I screamed in panic. His mom ran out and saw the whole thing. I left in a rush and his mom called my mom to tell her that me and her son were gay.

[F]

It sounds like a shame. Gillis origin story.

[E]

Yes. It's a really great story. Whoever told it. That's good.

[F]

I mean, look, it's. Here's the thing. I would bet my son's life on this. That it's not Nate.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Nate did not submit this story.

[D]

No.

[B]

Or he's playing the game. Great.

[E]

That's what I thought he was doing last round. Dude, he's an honest player. He's telling the truth. Dude,

[G]

you put up a stink earlier about the words pee and poop.

[E]

Oh, you think I was playing this one?

[D]

I think you were softening the word gay. You're a fan of that?

[E]

Gay.

[D]

But that's the only. That makes me kind of think it's. It's you, Jay. Because if I think. If you put the word gay, it would make me think it's him.

[B]

And then you got through a head face.

[D]

Yeah, because that's his. Get her done.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Did Shane trademark gay?

[E]

Yeah, Gay.

[B]

What was that?

[E]

Don't forget retard. I got that.

[B]

Oh, my God. I gotta look closer.

[D]

But Lewis is also just.

[B]

Lewis hung out with goth people.

[E]

Yeah, this is some goth.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[F]

Not in grade school. Nobody's goth in grade school.

[E]

Yeah, they are.

[F]

You become goth in high school.

[E]

Oh, some.

[F]

Like eighth grade. Eighth grade. You get some govs.

[E]

When were you a guy?

[D]

I would like to go. How did he trick him into it.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Who here's dumb enough to get tricked into picking up hoop?

[D]

Well, because he's. Yeah. How do you. He's saying, I want you to do this. And you're like, no. And you knew, and then you knew. Yeah, and then he. And then he tricked me. You into it. You go dead gummet.

[E]

I knew it was.

[D]

I knew that was going to be what you were trying to do. It's the only thing you were trying to get me to do right before you tricked me into doing.

[B]

Son of a. You got me.

[D]

This guy's good.

[E]

No, I got a feeling that's poop. No, it's not.

[D]

It's not. All right.

[F]

I mean, are we just wasting time? This is so obvious. Shane's story.

[E]

It's not. I don't know what to tell you.

[F]

I'm saying, bro, you think I'll get.

[B]

I want to believe him and think it's you, but now I know he lied.

[F]

I mean, I think it could be Big J. This could be why he wears fingerless gloves to the rest of his life. Was this picking up poop story?

[D]

Casey gets tricked.

[F]

Always be prepared.

[D]

Casey gets tricked again. He goes, I'm not.

[B]

Dude. Who said I won't be fooled again?

[D]

Fool me once, shame on me.

[E]

Who sang that?

[D]

Pull me twice, I wear gloves.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

I'm never. I'm never going to have to wash gloves again.

[B]

Yeah, dude. I got my dookie holders ready in case a friend tricks me again. I've been burned by friends in the past. Changes earlier in this game.

[E]

Would. Would Aaron say something like gay?

[D]

No, I don't think. Yeah, I don't think.

[G]

Aaron, you saying gay. You're saying you were called gay.

[E]

Yeah, but would you even include that?

[G]

I. I'm would say it.

[F]

This is. This is shame.

[D]

A little more rowdy.

[G]

My friends didn't do stuff like that.

[E]

This. Yeah, me neither.

[G]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

I'm just helping whoever this is.

[F]

Here's the thing. It. It's either Shane or it's Big J writing to sound like Shane.

[E]

It's not me. The only thing that sounds like me is it says we. That we were gay.

[B]

You

[E]

think I would say poop?

[F]

No, if you. Dude. Shane. Shane, do me a favor. Read this out loud and like when. But sound like yourself.

[B]

Read this out like old English.

[E]

All right, I'll try to sound like, you know.

[F]

You know, you sound.

[E]

Well, now I gotta read like British royalty in grade school.

[D]

Well, close your eyes and see if you. See if you nail it.

[E]

Okay. In grade School. One of my. One of my boys told me or he tricked me into. He. I knew it was poop and he tricked me and I. I picked it up and then my mom called or my mom. Yeah, see, I don't even know the.

[F]

No, read it. Just read it.

[E]

Dude, I don't even know the story. His mom called my mom because they thought we were gay.

[B]

It's not me.

[E]

Trust me. Daddy, we need to. We need to be asking other questions because it is not me. And whoever's gonna get this, this is double point.

[B]

So.

[E]

You fellas need to really lock in because you're being tricked right now by an idiot. An idiot is tricking the rest of us.

[B]

Idiot.

[E]

Lewis, it could be anybody. Oh, I don't know. Oh,

[F]

Big J's being very quiet as well. So I feel like right now he's going like, oh, I'm about to.

[D]

It's. But I would say you're using the word poop, trying to convince people it may be me because that's what I would say.

[B]

I do think.

[D]

And I think that's still a little dirtier. And I would use. And then you said gay. Hopefully flings it back this way.

[B]

Nothing about strikes me as innate story. If this is your story. Holy. Thank you for exposing yourself like this and showing.

[E]

Yeah, kind of disappointed. You guys think I would. You can write get tricked into picking up poop. I don't play those games.

[D]

You were. But you were young.

[B]

And if I picked up poop, I would throw up immediately. I wouldn't be tricked into picking up poop. I would throw up at that.

[E]

I don't know why that made me think it's Lewis, but it did. How many stories has Lewis had so far?

[D]

Jay has not had a story.

[B]

I haven't had a story yet. It's fair.

[G]

That's why. That's a good argument right there. I hadn't even thought.

[D]

Aaron has an argument.

[B]

You think?

[F]

Unfortunately.

[D]

Oh, you had the first one.

[G]

The first where I peed.

[E]

No, I only submitted. Never mind.

[F]

I'm getting the voting going. Big J Okerson is my vote. Trying to sound like Shane with the writing. Slick move, Jay.

[D]

Ooh.

[F]

Ah.

[E]

We're giving Lewis a bunch of points.

[F]

Oh, if it's me, I'm. It's over if it's me.

[B]

Alex, all this. All these stories are in.

[H]

Story number five belongs to Big J Okerson.

[E]

Zero points.

[F]

Oh, man. Nobody.

[D]

Jake.

[F]

No.

[D]

J, j, j, j, j, j, j, j, j.

[F]

Nobody fell for your horsesh.

[B]

I did not try to make this like Shane doesn't trademark gay. I said gay.

[E]

I agree. I agree.

[B]

That's what happened, right?

[G]

In thinking you were just tricked into watching him poop, not actually picking it up.

[B]

No, it's. It's. It's reading wrong. I guess it's. What happened was it was just me and him after school one day, and he's told me he want to play truth or dare. And I was like, all right. And then his dare started getting like, do you want to look like, look at my wiener kind of stuff? And then I was like, he's like, you dare me to poop and pick a piece of it up? And I went, no. And then we watched something on tv and he went to the bathroom, and he called me up. He goes, come here. Come here. And I ramped the stairs, and he was holding a piece of his own poop with one slice of toilet paper on his. Like, it didn't matter. It was like the paper wasn't stopping it.

[E]

It's only.

[B]

And I, like, yelped.

[F]

You wrote him a review?

[B]

Yeah. I'd say it was a three for a held turret. It was a three.

[E]

The show was all right.

[B]

Prices were through the roof. And I yelled, and his mom came at me and saw was happening, and he dropped the poop, and I ran out of the house and went home. And his mom and my mom were friends, and she called my mom to let us know that she just found out today that our sons are. She goes, our sons are gay.

[D]

I love just in Philadelphia, how quick they just. They just go to it. They accept it, and they go, it is what it is.

[B]

She actually. She said we were N word gays, but I didn't want to say that to my mom. It was a different time, though. But it's his mom.

[F]

All right.

[E]

How's that guy doing now? He's got to be dead, right?

[D]

He's a dj, a doctor, so maybe a dj.

[B]

Maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

[F]

Alex, where are points at? Five stories down.

[H]

All right. In last place, with zero points, Big J. Okerson.

[B]

And I'm stoned enough that I forgot that everyone guessed right on that. I was like, that was a fun story, right?

[H]

In fourth place, with six points, Nate Bargazzi. In third place with nine points, Aaron Weber. In second place, with 10 points, Luis J. Gomez. And in first place, with 11 points, Shane Gillispie.

[F]

Poop.

[D]

Poop.

[F]

It's so. He's just such a dick. You take away. You take away the things I love.

[E]

Poo.

[B]

Alex, what's the longest someone's had zero?

[F]

This Might be it right now.

[H]

I think we're pretty close to it, Jay.

[F]

It's a big deal if you can get zero somehow. This is your own sort of way.

[B]

I'm asking you to say nothing,

[F]

Jay. I'm just saying this is not for nothing right now. First of all, you can still win. Don't be down on yourself. But for some reason, if you don't win, you can still get 0, which is a better accomplishment than.

[B]

I'd have to have two more stories in this round. The next three would have. Two of them have to be mine and you guys wouldn't have to guess that that hilarious writing was me.

[F]

That's not true.

[B]

What are the odds of that?

[F]

There's three more stories and there's plenty of other opportunity. You get four points every time you get a story correctly. You need to fucking keep your head in the game, Jay. Do you not want think like a pancrey?

[C]

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and talk about the brand new Body Brain creamer that just went into pre sale. If you guys love Body Brain coffee, you're gonna love the Body Brain creamer, which pairs perfectly with the coffee. It's a different set of nootropics and adaptogens designed to stack with Body brand coffee to give you a complete cup of coffee that's going to make you feel absolutely incredible. When I drink the creamer and the coffee, I feel like my mind is on fire. It lights right up. It's got C8MCT oil, coconut milk powder, cordyceps mushrooms, collagen peptides, rhodiola rosea and Ceylon cinnamon for flavor. It's absolutely delicious, but it really makes me feel incredible. Obviously you get the benefits of testosterone support from Body Brain coffee and all of the benefits from the lion's mane mushrooms to make your to help with memory and brain function. But this stat back makes me feel absolutely incredible. And you could be the first one of the first people to try Body Brain creamer. Right now. It's on Pre sale from May 11 through May 25. You get 25 off just by buying it. There's no promo code needed. There's nothing like that. Just simply go to bodybraincoffee.com and if you click on the little button for the pre sale, you're going to get 25 off automatically and you could try it before anyone else. If you want to try Body brand coffee, obviously use the promo code WAR. 20 for 20 off. All right, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Harry's razors for supporting the show.

[F]

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[C]

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[F]

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[C]

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[B]

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[F]

Alex. Story number six.

[H]

Story number six. My debit card got declined on a date. I was embarrassed, so I snuck out of the restaurant without paying.

[B]

All right, it's one of these two.

[E]

And

[G]

debit card is a. That's interesting to me. Yeah, I don't think I've ever had a debit card.

[D]

I think.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, debit card, debit card.

[B]

Everybody had a debit card. You couldn't get a credit card. Yeah, you have a debit card because your 20 bucks were sitting in a bank and they gave you a card. This is Aaron or Nate for sure. Oh, really? You think so? Everybody vote for me. Then again, me, I'm sitting here on my 1 in 4 shot of maybe getting this one right. I'm trying to look my own goddamn show. Nate, if you would, please. I'm trying to not look like a. I would.

[D]

If it just started as at I snuck out of the restaurant without paying, I would think it's Lewis. But then the other part of the descendants is what makes me not think it is.

[E]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[B]

Cuz Lewis wouldn't be embarrassed by.

[D]

No.

[E]

He would have.

[D]

It would be no decline. It would just be. He sneaks out of restaurants without pay.

[B]

Oh, before he walked in, he goes, hey, we might have to split quick here.

[G]

He knew the whole time.

[F]

I'm not sneaking out. I'm walking out. Fight me.

[D]

Hey, you mind going to the bathroom outside in my car? Cuz we're about to leave without paying.

[E]

Did the t smoke a I'll eat you seven minutes?

[D]

Did the. I don't know, Aaron. Did the date stay?

[F]

Nate did start answering that very naturally.

[D]

Me.

[F]

Yeah, you.

[D]

Y' all can think it's me because I know it's not me. So I'll. But because I win a lot. Wait, would I win a lot if y' all wrote me?

[B]

No, no, no. Yeah.

[D]

Unless it was my story.

[E]

Then you would lose either way.

[B]

You would lose if it's your story and no one.

[E]

But then somebody would win if it's not you. If we all wrote you used to

[F]

be a scallywag back in the day. Like, Nate wouldn't be above sneaking out of a restaurant without paying back.

[D]

I would not sneak out of restaurant. I've been to a restaurant where I didn't have enough money. But. But I just ate. I just drank water and had a salad and let her. It was a. And let her have food.

[B]

But as a member of the old Hickory Crips, you were the kind of guy. You were a menace. And he turned it around. Dude, dude, that's the Nashville way. Like jelly roll.

[D]

Yeah, the one. The.

[B]

The thing that I never got face tattoos. Smart.

[D]

By the way, the thing that I did with debit cards was like, I used to go to. Well, and then debit cards. A check I could go to. What? You'd go to Walmart, write a check for $20. They would give you cash. But I did not have the $20 in the bank. But they did not know that until.

[E]

And then you're a thief. This is Nate.

[D]

No, no.

[F]

Why not just do more money? Do like 200.

[D]

I don't think you could. I think they were pretty much on to us, but they were willing to lose $20. You go. So that was pre debit card. So I wouldn't have been a debit card. I think I was. I don't know if I was my age. I'm just not into debit. Like, it was, you know, we. It was like checks.

[B]

And then what between checks and credit cards was debit card, man. That was your check card.

[D]

This is. I think It's Aaron.

[F]

No, I'm going Aaron.

[G]

I'm so opposed to doing this. I would never do this.

[D]

That's true.

[G]

I've worked in wrestling.

[D]

I agree with that.

[G]

When you walk out on top.

[D]

It's not me.

[G]

I would never do.

[D]

I swear, I feel good. Unless I forgot. It's not me. It's not me.

[B]

I'm just talking out loud. I'm not talking to you.

[D]

It's not me.

[F]

Aaron votes for me.

[D]

I'm scared. It's not Aaron.

[G]

You're so good at the game that I'm, like, overanalyzing all of your moves and, like, how you're steering the conversation.

[F]

Yeah, well, you also just. You also wasted your vote, dummy.

[E]

That's.

[D]

Yeah. If he gets that right, though, we're in trouble. I'll go, Aaron.

[F]

Nate votes around. All of our answers are possibly not Nate. This is. I think this is Aaron.

[H]

Story number six belongs to Aaron Weber.

[F]

What did I tell you?

[G]

Yeah. Homecoming dance in high school, we went with, like, a big group.

[B]

You just said out loud, I'm against this.

[E]

I know.

[G]

I was trying. I was making a last second push at the end.

[B]

Why do I trust everybody so much?

[E]

Yeah, we should have known immediately. It was like, damn it, Carson. I don't even know what that is.

[B]

Well, Nate, that means Nate honestly has no idea what a debit card is.

[D]

I know what a debit card is.

[B]

That means all the stuff that Nate said was absolutely true. And that's what seemed crazy to me. I'm like, he's saying a bunch of nutty that nobody would say debit card. We write checks at Walmart. And then all. And then, you know. And then eventually came the credit card.

[F]

Aaron. So this is homecoming dance.

[G]

Homecoming dance.

[B]

Big group. We're in a room.

[G]

And I just went off on the meal. It was mostly my fault. I ordered a lot of food. And then the check came, and I was. I don't have that. So I go, I'm gonna go get the car running. And I left. And I justified it. I didn't like the server. He was being mean to me. And so I go, yeah. And I think about this every day, that I did this to this guy. I feel bad about it to this day.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

But I did it.

[F]

Did you leave your friends or. They all ditched.

[G]

Oh, the whole group. Yeah. I'll go. I'll go wait for y'.

[E]

All.

[G]

So I let them close out. It was so many people that it was easy to get lost in the shuffle of all the checks coming out.

[F]

So wait a minute. You just about not liking the server even though he got paid, it didn't affect him in any way. You just screwed over the people that trust you the most.

[G]

No, no, no, I know they didn't. I don't think they were forced to cover my check. I think the. I think the server lost track of it and we were all gone by the time I.

[B]

That guy killed children later that night. Maybe he was gonna do it anyway. Maybe

[G]

Olive Garden. By the way,

[B]

the breadsticks and salad are bottomless. Man, he hit.

[D]

We could have been.

[B]

You go so crazy, you take the whole tour. Italy.

[G]

I got a big lasagna, man, it was great.

[F]

Alex, where we at on the scoreboard?

[H]

All right, in last place, I was

[B]

just in a good mood. I was laughing.

[H]

With absolutely zero points. Big J Okerson.

[B]

Alex says it in for me. I don't know what I did to Alex, but Alex stopped liking last so

[F]

close to zero if. Dude, this is a big deal. In 100 episodes, we've never had anybody get zero points. He's two away. If you believe.

[B]

If I get zero points. Believe.

[F]

And he believes. And everyone at home believes he can get zero points tonight.

[B]

I just want you know, if I get zero points tonight in my hotel room, I'm going to eat myself to death like that guy in seven. What you thought was in my impossible until my belly just explodes and they find me in a bowl of soup.

[H]

In fourth place, with 10 points, Nate Bargetzi.

[F]

The next person has 10 more points than you.

[B]

I heard her.

[H]

In third place with 11 points, Shane Gillispie.

[D]

Oh, I've done. Oh, I made some ground.

[H]

In second place, with 13 points, Aaron Weber. And in the lead with 14 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[F]

Alex. Story number seven.

[H]

Story number seven. My mom fell down the steps and got knocked out while drunk off wine. My entire family panicked. I was asked to perform mouth to mouth, but declined.

[F]

Fools.

[E]

But you would never tell this.

[D]

My. My mom did not drink Growing. No, my mom with my parents didn't drink growing up.

[E]

Mine did.

[G]

I know, but would you. Would you talk about your mom like this?

[E]

No.

[G]

Yeah, that's. That's why I don't think Woody. No, I don't, man. I don't think so.

[E]

My mom would cry.

[G]

It makes the mom looks pretty bad in the story.

[D]

No, I mean, God, not. No,

[B]

my mom.

[E]

My mom wasn't really a boozer.

[D]

So does Shane. And let me ask you something. Do you come from enough money to have stairs?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Oh, I come from no stairs.

[F]

Yeah, no stairs. And my mom didn't drink. My mom did heroin.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll tell you what. Yeah. Nothing goes with heroin like some wine.

[F]

For sure. My. My mom did. Specifically did not drink.

[G]

It says my entire family panicked. How big are yalls? Families like your household? How many people?

[D]

Well, Lewis has got one other person and.

[B]

What? Dude, it's hilarious. Your whole family's dead or left you. That's at base level hilarious.

[F]

I mean, I already. I already knew this is. You do I can tell who it is right now.

[D]

Shane.

[F]

So I don't.

[B]

I don't.

[F]

I got to go by.

[E]

I'll say this. I don't want to ruin the game. I submitted one story and we already told it. I found out about this earlier. I don't have any power.

[F]

Listen, let me say this. Let me say this. That's. That's not true. I know for a fact Shane submitted at least two stories because that's what he told me. And then he said he was submitting a third as well. So he's playing the game right now. He's really showing his ass. This is so Shane. But even before that, the powers of deduction. Big J's mom. Not a wine drinker, not a wino. Not getting drunk around the kids. Maybe would casually drink here and there, but not.

[E]

I submitted one story.

[F]

Aaron.

[D]

Aaron.

[F]

It could be, but I'm not getting the feeling that Aaron's gonna submit a story about his mom getting drunk and falling down the stairs. Nate's mom didn't drink. She's an angel of a woman. Shane's mom is a wino klutzy whore. And Shane was in college. He was an athlete. Athlete. He would know mouth to mouth and CPR and things like this as a college athlete they told him to do.

[B]

What's the connection you're making?

[E]

I was. Why are you doing this?

[B]

I was gonna start cheering for you. What you were saying until you said he knows mouth to mouth. Because he knows mouth.

[F]

He does. He's probably a lifeguard.

[E]

That was a life. What's happening? I told you guys.

[F]

I can see you being a lifeguard.

[E]

Why are you doing that?

[G]

Why.

[E]

Why are you.

[G]

But the entire family's panicking and they're like, we need one person to do mouth to mouth. So you would have to have some kind of. There'd be a reason they ask you versus the rest of the family.

[D]

Yeah. The only thing it could be. Lewis wins. So hard on. Shane is on there.

[G]

It's true.

[B]

This is Aaron's drunk ass mom.

[D]

Huh?

[F]

Everyone knows Shane's mom. Mom can't stop drinking. She can't stop falling down the stairs.

[E]

That's

[F]

Shane Gillis, is the answer.

[E]

I don't want to say anything mean about your mom.

[B]

Why? She's dead. You can say whatever.

[E]

That's what I mean. No, I. You guys can do it. We lost. If you do this, you're making a mistake.

[B]

I think it could be Lewis.

[E]

Was it in the book?

[B]

I. You think I'm reading that book?

[E]

Yeah, no one reads.

[B]

I'm waiting for the audiobook. I want to see if my base.

[E]

Did you drink wine? Was she. Was she drinking wine?

[B]

No one does heroin and turns down wine. I couldn't possibly.

[E]

Was she always doing heroin, though?

[F]

No, she stopped doing.

[E]

Started with wine.

[F]

She stopped doing heroin when I was

[E]

gateway for Savion Blanc.

[B]

Yeah, Cabernet lady now.

[D]

But did she get. She. She didn't get sober.

[F]

No, she was so. Well, she did methadone my entire, like, childhood up until I was in high school, and then.

[D]

That's a little farther than childhood. High school childhood until I was 25.

[F]

Well, then she got. Then she got back on heroin.

[B]

Nice.

[D]

So Juan could have been in the middle.

[E]

So why am I the one who has got a mom?

[F]

There was no.

[B]

His mom's on.

[F]

Because my mother did not fall down. She was already lying down when she did her heroin.

[B]

But when she got up to get her wine, she tumbled down the stairs.

[F]

J. Lewis. J. Do. All right, good, actually, because you could have zero points. You.

[B]

You're not my dad.

[F]

Zero points.

[E]

My mom.

[B]

You put Shane.

[F]

I put Shane. Shane put me. He's whispering to Nate over here. This should be against the rules. Every. All talk should have to be on microphone.

[D]

We were talking just about which moms.

[E]

I never saw my dad fall down. He was actually hammered, but already the family panicked, right?

[B]

They've never seen somebody fall. They never saw somebody fall before.

[D]

It's either Lewis or Shane.

[B]

Said Aaron.

[D]

Yeah, but wine. It seems so crazy.

[B]

I assume if Nate's mom fell on the stairs, his father would stop her from falling.

[D]

Hey, you know what? I'm going. I'm going Shane. Because if it's Shane, that means. That means.

[E]

Well, Lewis is in first.

[D]

Well, he's gonna win no matter what. Lewis stay. But Jay would stay at zero. I think. What if it's. What if it's. I'm betting on a night of somehow you're going to be zero.

[B]

What the. Is that supposed to.

[D]

Yeah, it goes. What if I. I feel like something magic is happening and I'M just going.

[B]

I knew when we sat down we're part of something.

[D]

Yeah. I go, this is going to be a big night.

[F]

Alex. All of her answers are in Whose story was story number seven?

[H]

Story number seven belongs to Shane Gillis.

[E]

Aaron. Aaron, you fool. You guys gotta listen. Dude, did you not. He got me so bad when I was like, I only submitted one. He was like, I heard you say two. I was like, what? Dude, that's crazy.

[G]

That's bushley to go. Hey, guys, just.

[B]

Hey.

[G]

Just speaking off Mike Hereford.

[B]

I only put one.

[E]

Oh, yeah, yeah. We got to keep it classy on Gas Digital Story wars, dude. It's time to play by the rules.

[D]

Play by the rules or don't play Shane.

[E]

Now she will be mortified that I've done this.

[D]

You think she's going to see this?

[E]

Yeah, she'll.

[F]

It'll.

[E]

It'll get to her.

[G]

But why did you refuse to do mouth to mouth?

[E]

Like, I'll tell you why. Because she's my mom. Well, no, it wasn't just that. It was. So she. My parents, I got home from. I was in college, I think I came home. I was down in the basement playing ncaa. My parents and my sister were at a wine tasting in the Appalachian mountains.

[B]

Holy shit.

[E]

In Halifax. Like, right outside of fucking Harrisburg. Like, like, literally plastic cups of wine in bagged. Like, it was a disgusting.

[B]

Mountain folk.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

But they come home and my mom was excited to see me. She grabbed a couple Oreos before and then dropped an Oreo on the steps and bent down to pick him up and fell head first down the steps and got knocked unconscious.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

And my. My sister. My dad were hammered. So my sister's like, mom's fucking dead.

[B]

And I was not at the wine tasting. He was just hammered.

[E]

That was upstairs. And he was like, Jesus fucking Christ. So he's on the phone with 91 1. I'm the only sober one. I walk over like, oh. And I thought she was dead. Like, you see a fucking old lady knocked out. You're like, holy shit. But she had purple from the wine and Oreos still in her mouth. It was like black and purple. And my sister, like, looked at me like, you gotta give her mouth to mouth. And I genuinely thought my mom was dying. And I was still like, fucking.

[B]

You do it. Neither of us know it.

[E]

But the best part is she. She came back after a while. She was out for like, longer than you're supposed to be out. It was like three. Three minutes of being knocked out, which is crazy. Ambulance came there's there's a EMTs in the house. And she sits up and she's like, you know, she's obviously very embarrassed and like, really sorry and. But. And they're like, is everything else right? She's like, my hand hurts. And she lifts it up. And her finger was like. Even the empty was like, Jesus Christ.

[D]

Holy. Yeah.

[E]

She's going to be really upset about this. She's truly a saint. She's a very. She had a couple glasses of wine.

[D]

She had one bad night.

[E]

She had one bad night. I've never seen anything close to that. She actually kind of chilled. She chilled out after that. She got cte.

[F]

It was her rock bottom.

[G]

I thought a wine taste, you spit the wine back.

[B]

You're supposed to.

[E]

Not in. Not in Appalachia. Yeah.

[D]

Not Appalachian.

[B]

That's true.

[F]

Also, Alex, seven stories down. One more story to go. Where are our points at going into the last round?

[H]

Wow. In Last place with 0 points.

[E]

0 points.

[H]

Big J Okerson. In fourth place with 13 points, Aaron Weber. In third place with 14 points, Nate Bargazzi. In second place with 15 points, Shane Gillis. And in the lead with 18 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[E]

Guy plays it every week. That's crazy. You have zero. Well, play it every week.

[B]

I couldn't feel slipping through my hands faster. Think like a pancreas. Which leaves you with the confidence to take control of your diabetes. Turning insulin from guesswork into a skill that you can rely on. It reinforces that with the right approach, steady and consistent control of your diabetes is possible.

[D]

I like to say this book is also. It's talking about the earned kind of diabetes type ones that God gives you. This is the one you gotta go get. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You gotta get your stripes. Stretch marks. I mean.

[F]

Alex, one more story.

[B]

Thanks, Louis. I'm not involved.

[E]

Is this the last one?

[F]

That's our final story.

[E]

You're at the doorstep of doing bad greatness.

[B]

The greatest.

[F]

Dude. Here's what I said to you. I leaned into jails like Jay, don't throw it. They don't. Purposely not guess. If you think you know the right one. It's got to be natural. It's got to be a real zero.

[B]

Why you think this feels awesome?

[F]

I'd be so excited if I flew here. If I was this.

[B]

Getting this at home on a Wednesday.

[F]

If I was this close to a zero, I'd be very excited.

[B]

Would you now?

[F]

I would.

[D]

I think it's Thursday.

[B]

Thursday, yeah. Yeah.

[E]

It's still zero points.

[D]

So put negative one.

[E]

If you didn't get the day right, you get.

[B]

No, we do it on Wednesdays at home. It's gonna happen any Wednesday at home, but here on a Thursday. Flew out to eat shit. Alex, story number eight.

[G]

You.

[H]

Story number eight. When I was 12, I got sick and was given a suppository. My family asked if I needed help. I said I didn't. I tried to put it in, but couldn't. It hurt so bad that I threw it away and lied about taking it. Reflecting on it, I realized I never took it out of the silver packet that had the corners on it.

[D]

I don't talk about where that goes.

[E]

Yeah, you do. Dude. Suppository is fine.

[D]

Suppository is not fine. Where I'm trying to go. Suppository is not fine. I think it's J.

[B]

It should be. It's not.

[D]

You talk a lot about.

[B]

I know. I know. This should be.

[D]

This is. This is this. Jay talks a lot about this.

[E]

Who the fuck had hemorrhoids? Who had hemorrhoids at 12?

[B]

It's you.

[E]

Yay.

[B]

Look at me.

[E]

It's you.

[F]

It's not me, but whose family. At 12 years old, whose family is asking if you need help?

[G]

That's what I'm saying. Saying, who would.

[B]

You're crazy. Heroin, Mom.

[E]

Yeah, but he said family.

[B]

You think everybody got together to shove this thing up the ass?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Family is weird.

[F]

Maybe it said dad in the story and they changed it.

[B]

Why?

[F]

Because I don't have a dad.

[B]

Oh, right. And if I said my mother asked me if I needed help. Yeah, it's you. It's long, though. And you said, reflecting on it, that wouldn't be you.

[E]

There's no way it's Jay.

[G]

Dude.

[F]

I think it's Big J.

[E]

That was terrible. Whatever. That was terrible. If it's you, you deserve this syrup. I kind of. I kind of want to vote Jay just in case. So he gets zero.

[B]

It's not me. It's not me. I know how suppositories work.

[F]

Aaron's silent and not a 12 vote. Big J is my.

[D]

We're going zero.

[F]

You got to vote for zero. Two votes for Jay.

[D]

Jay's going. It's going zero.

[F]

Three votes for Big J.

[E]

What do you mean? Lewis at.

[F]

No, no. Don't tell him the scores. Don't tell them.

[E]

Why can't I know the score?

[B]

Sure. Listen, bro.

[E]

Part of the game, dude, I. If I vote Big J, I lose.

[F]

Yeah, but if you vote Big J and it's. And it's Jay, he gets the first ever zero. And it's based off of us all knowing it's him.

[B]

That's Louis panicking because I think I got it right.

[F]

You're gonna vote for me? Is that what the other mo.

[E]

No, I was gonna vote. I was genuinely. I was gonna vote for Nate, but I'll go. Jay.

[D]

Jay. It's zero.

[E]

Somebody's got a weird ass family.

[B]

Somebody's got.

[E]

I'm happy. My mom was drunk. I fell down the steps.

[F]

Dude.

[E]

Somebody was like, do you need to put something in your butt, honey? That's a weird ass best family.

[B]

This changes. This is changing the game.

[E]

I mean, I. I changed the game.

[B]

Crazy.

[E]

If they told me the score so I could beat Lewis, I would take a shot here. Can I beat Lewis if I get it and he gets it wrong, you gotta beat Jay. I could.

[D]

All right. No, it's gotta be Jay for zero.

[E]

I understand.

[B]

No, it's not true.

[F]

Wait, what? What is Shane score right now?

[B]

Alex, for me to have. Oh, for. If it's my story. It ain't my story.

[D]

I don't think you can win.

[E]

I could win. Cuz he would get it wrong if he picked Jay. And it's not Jay.

[B]

It's not Jay.

[E]

And if I get it right, I would win.

[B]

It's not Jay. I've done spot stories twice and I did it right both times.

[E]

What you just say, yeah,

[B]

I think it's Lewis.

[D]

Yeah,

[E]

it. I'll go with you. I'll lose. For the fun of him getting zero.

[B]

We all know Shane, Shane, Shane.

[E]

But the we need to win.

[B]

Shane. Shane. Listen, if it's not my story, I can still get zero. But it's not my story.

[E]

That's Jay. You're not helping me. I'm trying not to vote for you. I'm trying really hard. I. It's definitely you.

[B]

He's not.

[E]

But I got to take a shot.

[B]

Oh, this is gonna suck.

[F]

Shane voting for Aaron.

[E]

No, that's a mistake.

[B]

Shane.

[E]

That's weird enough.

[B]

Shane, that's possibly you winning. That's possibly you winning.

[E]

Would you guys toss around some suppositories in your house? What kind of sickness was it? What? The kind of sickness was kind of

[B]

southern crazy scared

[D]

because he has a big family.

[E]

Oh, it's Nate.

[B]

Could be Nate.

[E]

Nate was excited for me to vote for Jay the second I took it over.

[D]

You're not gonna make it zero.

[B]

Maybe everybody's in. Alex, our final story.

[H]

Story number eight belongs to Nate Bargazi.

[E]

But wait now he might win.

[D]

Did I get points?

[E]

Yeah, you got a Ton of points. Wait now. Nate might have won.

[F]

Oh, don't go over. Go over. You do get boys. They tell us this story. Nate. Nate talked about butt stuff on Story Wars.

[E]

It was medical, though.

[D]

I ran it by my mom tonight to make sure it was okay. Unlike you.

[E]

She got a pool. She's all right.

[D]

I had to do good with points. I remember I got sick. I had to take a spot story. It was my dad. My dad was like, do you know how to do it? And he was like, do you want me to help you? And I said, no. And I go, I got it. It was the worst thing. So it's in, like, that plastic. It's got corners, sharp corners. I just try to put the plastic in everything. And I was like. In my head, I'm like, like, how do they do this? It hurt. And I just didn't do it. And it wasn't until probably pretty later, I got like. It popped in my head. I go, I bet it. That's why it's shaped like a bullet. I bet there's something inside. I go, I bet there's something inside that plastic. Because I. I would always be like, how could people be doing this?

[B]

You guys hear adult years going, like, when the people do it, they're doing something crazy.

[D]

These guys. What are these doctors doing that they're letting people do this? And. And that's what happened.

[E]

You just won, dude. You just won.

[B]

Maybe. Maybe.

[F]

I have no idea. Alex, where are our final scores? Great game tonight.

[B]

Was it?

[D]

I knew that story. I felt good with that story because I did not think y' all would think it's me

[H]

in last place for the first time in Story wars history with zero points. Big J. Okerson.

[F]

Lewis. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, 0.

[E]

Wow.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

That's insane. I was preparing for the letdown of everybody going, it's Lewis. And I go, damn. Showed you I knew something. That's crazy. Well, don't worry, Louis. I didn't fake it, you fuck.

[H]

In fourth place with 13 points, Aaron Weber.

[B]

Strong showing, strong showing.

[H]

In third place with 18 points, Luis J. Gomez. Second place, scored 19 points. And your winner tonight with 20 points, Nate Bargetzi.

[D]

Can I say double the points? Double the points?

[B]

Do you guys know that double zero is still zero? Holy shit. What a game. Everybody, how about a round of applause for our amazing panel, Aaron Weber, Shane Gillis, your newest Story warrior, Nate Bargassi. Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us. Story Wars. Thank you, Nashville Comedy Festival, on behalf of Story Wars.

[F]

I'm Big J Okerson, L. Gomez.

[B]

Thank you guys for hanging out. Until next time.

[D]

Peace.

[F]

Good night.