094. Andrew Packer, Na'im Ali, Josie Marcellino | Obsession

Summary

Story Warz Ep. 094 – Obsession

Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez with Andrew Packer, Na'im Ali, Josie Marcellino
Live from The Stand NYC | May 22, 2026

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Episode Theme: Obsession

The central theme of this episode is "Obsession." Comedians compete in a game of deceptive storytelling, each submitting anecdotes centered around their personal obsessions—or at least pretending to. As always, the aim is to outwit opponents by hiding your own real story and correctly guessing others'. This week’s prize is Patrick Carnes’ book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, humorously relevant given the night's subject matter and the panel’s personalities.

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Key Discussion Points & Game Highlights

1. Game Setup and Panel Introduction (01:07–09:00)

• Host Big Jay Oakerson and co-host Luis J. Gomez hype up the sold-out crowd at New York Comedy Club.
• The rules are reviewed: each panelist submits true stories relating to “obsession.” When a story appears, players must either convince the room it isn’t theirs or try to detect whose it is.
• The panel consists of:
  • Josie Marcelino: Comedian, cosplayer, two-time Story Warz winner, dressed "like a bag of Cheetos" as described by Luis.
  • Naim Ali: “Do Rag and Deer Tag,” “Naim Ali Saves the World” podcast host; famed for his four prior Story Warz losses.
  • Andrew Packer: “Laugh it Off” podcast, making his Story Warz debut.

2. Game Play & Story Breakdown

Story 1 (Obsession with High School Crush) (10:51–19:36)

• Story: A person is so obsessed with a crush that they betray a friend by telling the crush mean things their friend said—trying (and failing) to win affection.
• Panel Reaction: Immediate suspicion this is Big Jay’s story; lots of joking about typical “dude moves” and betrayal as a Philly/Big Jay behavior.
• Quote: “I would never say I was wrong. I would never admit that I’m a girl.” – Josie (15:25)
• Reveal: It’s Big Jay’s story. (16:30)
• Memorable moment: Jay recounts the moment in vivid, loser-y detail and is roasted by panelists for both his failed manipulation and his juvenile hopefulness.

Story 2 (Trains Casualist or Train Autist?) (19:58–25:43)

• Story: The storyteller likes trains, but is not “deep on the spectrum,” just passionate about transit.
• Panel Jousting: The group runs with the stereotype, speculates Canada’s role in train enthusiasm; Josie is immediately suspected due to her open love of trains in the greenroom.
• Quote: “I do love trains. I do.” – Josie, instantly accused (21:55)
• Reveal: It’s Andrew Packer. He explains rational reasons for loving trains—better space, logic, efficiency. (24:37)

Story 3 (BB Gun Scorn) (32:40–39:42)

• Story: An ex stalks the author, catches them at a hotel with a date, and shoots at them with a BB gun.
• Panel Analysis: Most suspect Naim or Lewis; “If this was Philly, it’d be a real gun,” Josie jokes. (34:13)
• Quote: “My and my. My soon to be wife checked my location and came to the hotel and saw me walking out drunk ... She hit me like six times.” – Naim (37:14)
• Reveal: It’s Naim. (36:49) He tells a wild story about being shot by his now-ex-wife with a BB gun the day before their wedding.

Story 4 (Crying over Pornstars) (41:31–48:12)

• Story: The author met their favorite porn star and was so overwhelmed, they cried.
• Panel Hypotheses: Josie is accused of being too emotionally invested; everyone toys with the embarrassing possibilities.
• Quote: “You do be crying should be your podcast name.” – Big Jay to Lewis (42:44)
• Reveal: It’s Josie. (47:04) The porn star was Nina Hartley, who apparently looked like Josie's childhood therapist.
• Moment: Josie confesses her wires were "crossed," leading to this awkward, hilarious fandom.

Mid-Game Standings (48:40–52:53)

• Josie takes a significant lead, attributed by the panel to her flawless deception and proclivity to “study this game.”

Story 5 (Thousands Spent on Mobile Games) (52:53–57:03)

• Story: Someone spent thousands on in-app purchases due to mobile game obsession.
• Panel Argument: Immediate finger-pointing at Big Jay—Josie even admits he told her this exact story before. (54:24)
• Reveal: Big Jay. Panel lightly scolds Josie for "breaking the game" by giving things away.

Story 6 (Drawing Nipples on Everything) (62:08–69:50)

• Story: As a kid, the author compulsively drew nipples on every picture of a woman they saw.
• Panel: Jokes fly about artistic skill; debate between Jay and Josie’s personal quirks.
• Quote: “If Josie broke into someone, you could see her from space.” – Big Jay (82:54)
• Reveal: It’s Josie.

Story 7 (Puberty and Compulsive Jerk Sessions) (71:26–76:40)

• Story: The confessor masturbated to any woman appearing on TV, regardless of looks, during puberty.
• Panel: All suspect Andrew or Lewis. Naim brags, “I didn’t jack off till I was 20—where I come from, we said it was gay.” (73:02)
• Quote: “I would flip through the channels. ... It was like roulette. If it was Oprah, I’d jerk off to Oprah, if it was the news lady...” – Lewis (75:49)
• Reveal: It’s Lewis.

Story 8 (Breaking and Rearranging) (78:38–84:49)

• Story: The subject snuck into houses while owners were at work, rearranged belongings, and left “prizes.”
• Panel: Guessing swings between Josie and Andrew—the prank's bizarreness feels Canadian or childlike, but many eye Na’im’s weird streak.
• Quote: “What if I break into somebody house? I’m leaving with something, bro.” – Na’im (82:07)
• Reveal: It’s Naim, who claims to have done it “at least 27 times.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

• “You can get four points. It’s very huge. ... We’re not playing for fun tonight.” – Luis, explaining game (08:39)
• “She’s Escaped Whore Convicts.” – Big Jay, roasting Josie’s outfit (04:02)
• “If you finger Josie, you have to pull out a flag. It’s part of the Double Dare challenge.” – Big Jay (24:25)
• “Why you just say that? ... [Josie] really did bring up trains out of nowhere.” – Na’im (24:58)
• “My mom was a prostitute, as you guys found out.” – Lewis, matter-of-factly after his TV-jerk story is revealed (76:18)
• “That’s so much worse than I remember!” – Jay, realizing his betrayal story was worse in hindsight (19:32)
• “This game not fair. Women too good at lying, bruh.” – Naim, conceding Josie’s dominance (48:47)

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Game Standings & Final Winner

Josie dominated from early on, showcasing tactical gameplay and psychological insight—despite Big Jay's good-natured grumbling about how giving the answers away “ruined” the show.

• Final Winner: Josie Marcelino (21 points)
• Second Place: Na’im Ali (18)
• Third: Luis J. Gomez (16)
• Fourth: Andrew Packer (11)
• Last: Big Jay Oakerson (4)

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Tone, Engagement, & Running Jokes

• Frequent Roasting: The panel, as always, keeps things lively with jabs about fashion, intelligence, and sexual deviancy.
• Meta-Gaming: Josie’s open game knowledge both impresses and frustrates the panel, especially as she “spoils” some answers by referencing prior conversations.
• Callbacks: Stories frequently reference running gags about panelists’ sexual history, parenting, obsessive quirks, and hometown stereotypes (e.g., Philly violence, Canadian kindness).
• Audience & “Roots” Band Bits: The live audience and (fake) presence of The Roots in the balcony are running gags.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Game Rules & Introduction: 01:07–09:00
• First Batch of Stories (1-4): 10:51–48:12
• Midway Plugs & Standings: 48:40–52:53
• Second Batch with Double Points (5-8): 52:53–84:49
• Final Scoring & Wrap-Up: 85:13–87:02

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In Closing

This episode is a master class in comedic storytelling, competitive deception, and camaraderie. Josie’s extraordinary gameplay dominates the night, while Na’im and Lewis steal scenes with wild confessions. At the same time, the ongoing meta-commentary about storytelling “strategy” adds a layer of insider fun for seasoned fans. The show’s tone is rowdy, relentlessly funny, and endearingly self-deprecating, staying true to Story Warz’s reputation as live comedy’s ultimate game of wits and humiliation.

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Best used for:

• Fans seeking a play-by-play of who told which story, and why.
• Anyone wanting to relive the funniest burns and standout moments without ad segments.
• Understanding why Josie Marcelino officially becomes the Story Warz “final boss.”

Transcript

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. Everybody, Big J Okerson here. Check out my website, bigjcomedy.com get tickets for the greatest Yaffer Live tour happening in a city near you. This week we have Austin, Texas. After that, Stanford, Connecticut, New York Comedy Club. And the weekend after that, Spokane, Washington. Spokane Comedy Club.

[B]

And check me out on the Rattle Me this tour coming to a city near you. I'll be in Springfield, Missouri on June 5th. Tulsa, Oklahoma, June 6th. Oklahoma City on June 7th. Then right after that, I have Rosemont, Illinois, Chicago and LA Jolla, all on my website. Lots more dates as well. Go to louisofskanks.com Fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars with

[B]

the story warriors, big j. Okerson and lewis j.

[A]

Go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What is up, new york comedy club? Welcome to story awards. Make some noise for me, will you? New york city.

[B]

Sorry, Seraphina. You're dressed very scantily today.

[A]

Hey, what the fuck is that outfit about?

[D]

You see that?

[B]

She's.

[A]

She's a child. Get back in here, you child.

[B]

Get back in here, you hot child. Bend over again.

[A]

What are you doing? Turn around, you child. Pick up this pencil. You kidding me? Good way to start. Hey, we always ask this. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[B]

Who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Just one old black guy in the corner. Yeah, he's been. He's been living in the Comedy Club for 40 years. First time he came up. First time he came up to watch Story Wars.

[A]

Well, if you're unfamiliar with the game or it's your first time listening at home, we'll explain it when we get our esteemed panel up here. I should always say that we are your hosts. I'm Big J. Okerson.

[B]

I am Louis J. Gomez. Another sold out show, Art, what is it? Our 40th sold out show here at the New York Comedy Club.

[C]

Guys, come on now.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

Come on now. Every Wednesday night. If you guys want to be a part of the Story wars audience, please come to the New York Comedy club, Midtown, East 24th street and watch us watch a staple. It's a massive, massive theater that we do this in.

[A]

This place is crazy. The Roots are in the balcony.

[B]

Yep, the Roots. What's up, Roots?

[A]

What's up, Roots? You'll hear the Roots throughout the night. We don't get them on camera. We can't afford that. We will explain the game once we get our amazing panel of guests up here. Our first contestant with a record of one. And. Oh, she is a story warrior. She's a comedian. She's a cosplayer. She's our friend. It's the hilarious Josie Marcelino.

[B]

Josie Marcelino. Josie, thank you for being here, even though it looks like you were delivered to us by dhl.

[D]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[A]

Yeah, folks, we're just working on a slutty road crew.

[D]

Well, okay. It's Earth Day, so I was actually gonna wear my Earth costume. And I've gotten too fat for the Earth costume.

[B]

So you're bigger than the Earth?

[D]

I'm bigger than the Earth.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[D]

So let's go Flyers Now I'm wearing orange flyers.

[B]

Can we find her a Jupiter costume?

[A]

I thought you just came out of Whore Prison.

[D]

I'm so proud you know your planets.

[B]

I just thought you came out of Horror Prison is delightful.

[D]

This is Horror Prison.

[B]

So she's Escaped Whore Convicts. Our second competitor coming to the stage. I'll do this all night with just Josie. 0 and 4 in Story wars competition. This might be the last time. I think if you get to 500 wins out of 5 appearances, this might be the last time you ever see this guy on the show. Such a funny comedian. Do Rag and Deer Tag podcast. Naim Ali Saves the World podcast. Put your hands for Naim Ali.

[C]

Yo, what up, yo? Quest Love.

[B]

What's good?

[C]

Quest Love?

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

It was Elf.

[C]

Hey, we in this? Naim?

[B]

You look like you escape from regular prison.

[C]

Yeah, right. Yeah, Damn right, bro. I might have.

[D]

You haven't won one time.

[C]

No, I haven't won. Why you got to tell everybody that? That should be a secret.

[D]

You won't be on my team. That's so bad.

[C]

Yeah. That sucks.

[A]

Well, recently. Don't worry. I set the record as the only person in Story wars history to score zero points.

[C]

He did it.

[B]

He did do. A zero point. Zero point game is coming out, guys.

[A]

First time it's ever happened.

[B]

No, it's not the second night.

[D]

Huh?

[B]

Was it the big one?

[C]

Second night.

[B]

Oh, wow. Yeah, that one's coming out very soon.

[A]

Oh, damn. I'm going to get a lot of condolences. It doesn't matter.

[C]

It's a new game.

[A]

It's a new day. We're here to win this game. And our third, last but not least competitor, He's. You know him from the Laugh it off podcast. He has a special. Never call her crazy. Clap it up for the hilarious Andrew Packer.

[B]

Andrew, you look like you made the phone call that put Naeem in prison.

[E]

I'm sorry, buddy.

[B]

Welcome to the show. Your first time. Have you done any preparation to become a story warrior? This is a big deal. It's a huge honor.

[E]

Well, I was feeling so much pressure, and then you told me how much he's lost, and now I feel pretty chill, feeling like this can go anyway. And it's okay.

[A]

You'll be just fine. You'll be just fine. Unless you lose five times. Then it's gone forever.

[E]

All right, we got time.

[A]

We got plenty of time.

[C]

Louis just told me the rules today. I've been on this show four times.

[B]

Not true.

[C]

This is the first time he ever told me the rules was today.

[A]

Yeah, that is pretty up.

[B]

I give everyone a speech in the back being, you know, don't. Don't write your own name on that board. Never do that. And he was like, you've never said this. I've said it to you every time.

[C]

I've never had that speech. Never heard that speech ever, in my life.

[D]

In fairness, you didn't give me that speech when I did it before. I don't think you do that speech.

[B]

That's the show, guys. We'll see you guys next week. Disrespectful panel today.

[A]

Can I say something, please? I don't know if we're in our second year of doing this show. The fact that everyone hasn't acknowledged yet that we now, instead of using cocktail napkins, have actual erasers for our dry eraser.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

Who knew $4 would change our lives?

[C]

This is nuts.

[B]

I mean, I'll give everyone a little Easter egg. We don't gotta put this out on the show, but we do have. We're gonna have electronic boards for Netflix as a joke. They're ready to rock, basically.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I can't wait till that backfires on us.

[B]

Just child porn comes up on it.

[A]

Like, whoa, Patton Oswald starts getting electrocuted. If you are unfamiliar with the game story wars or if it is your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, obsession.

[B]

Oh, wow. This audience has got to be more fun. They'll get There be more fun guys.

[A]

They'll get there. They're still waiting. At one point, we're hearing them laugh out of nowhere. And they're going to be like, or prison. They're just sleepy, man. It was a work day. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them at random, one at a time here to pop up on this screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[B]

I mean, I'm listening to this guy's fucking. The rapping from his Sour Patch Kids. That's how quiet this crowd is right now. He ate a Sour Patch Kid. It sounded like the walls were caving in.

[A]

And I was like, what is this guy in a fistfight with a Sun Chips bag?

[D]

They're hanging on your every word. It's a compliment. You're a great orator.

[B]

Every time. Thank you, Josie. I am really good at going to

[D]

kick your ass tonight.

[B]

Every time you guys say story correctly, you two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story that shows up, that is a huge opportunity. That is an opportunity where you can get four points. It's very huge. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, Put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand. That is your final answer. You can't change your answer after that. And I'll tell you right now, we're having a lot of fun. I'm already having a lot of fun. But we're not playing for fun tonight. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[A]

Every week here on Story wars, we play for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home out of the Understanding sexual addiction by Dr. Patrick Carnes.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

Out of the Shadows explains how compulsive sexual behavior can take over a person's life, damaging relationships, work, and self worth. Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the field, breaks the issue down and direct he

[B]

lays down that dick.

[A]

Showing how secrecy, shame, and repetition can keep people trapped in destructive patterns.

[F]

Wow.

[C]

Wow, this is beautiful.

[B]

I gotta be honest with you. Never, never have the story warriors needed to keep a book in their library more than out of the shadows.

[D]

No. Naim needs this book.

[C]

I need this book.

[B]

I legitimately need the book. You just. This could be my bio on my website.

[A]

Every guy needs the book.

[C]

Yo, Josie literally just whispered to me, like, you need.

[D]

I'm rooting for you.

[C]

I would have started having kids at 13 if I'd have had that book I need.

[A]

I think everybody who's going to get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. It's a pretty easy game, but do you think. Is this crowd ready for war?

[B]

Guys, we said, are you ready for war?

[C]

Come on.

[A]

Well, put on your burkas and let's get to it. Alex, would you please hit us with story number one?

[F]

Story number one. I was so obsessed with my high school crush that I betrayed my friend and told my crush some mean things my friend said, thinking it would make them like me. I was wrong.

[D]

This is the easiest story I've ever heard in my life. I'm locking in immediately. What are we doing? That's the EAs. This is the most big J story I've ever heard.

[B]

Guys, don't lock in immediately. Play the game and talk first. This will be a.

[A]

What? Does this read so hard of me?

[D]

I can hear it in your voice.

[C]

Yeah, that's you, bruh.

[D]

That's you.

[C]

And you a Philly. That's some Philly shit we be hating on, right? Go lie. We be hating on it. I thought it was me. And I was like, no, I never did that one. But it's got to be Jay.

[D]

Well, yeah, you didn't get the high.

[A]

That's a good rationale. I thought it was me, so it's got to be you.

[B]

I do feel like this is a dude move. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is something that a guy would do. Guys are like, dude, I'm going to get some pussy. And we've all done that, dude.

[A]

I can't see as being anything but a guy.

[B]

My friend in high school told my girlfriend that I was cheating on. No. Told her best friend because he wanted to fuck her that I was cheating on my girlfriend.

[C]

What the.

[B]

And that was that.

[A]

Did he get the her? No.

[B]

Oh, Forest force. You piece of.

[C]

Yeah, girls don't like this type of behavior. They don't like it.

[D]

No.

[C]

You don't get rewarded for this. That sucks. Did you beat this guy up?

[B]

No, I didn't beat him up. I should have, though.

[C]

You should have at least smacked him.

[B]

I threw a sandwich at him. And that was one of the other stories on story warriors.

[A]

Andrew, were you popular kid in high school?

[E]

Not really. No. You can tell by that delay.

[D]

What do you mean? You have a gold chain on indicator.

[B]

Well, Andrew's, also Canadian.

[E]

I just think it's surprising you guys ruled out, like, a woman being able to do this ever. Like, a woman would never betray her best friend.

[C]

Damn true.

[A]

I always think it's not. I don't think it's Andrew because he's from Canada, where they call high school, like, pre university.

[D]

They also don't say mean things in Canada. That's, like, illegal.

[A]

You got a big ass, eh?

[B]

But I will also say Josie is one of my most dude like, girlfriends, so I.

[A]

What could she get bench 215. So what? Dude, we know a lot of weak guys.

[D]

That's more about the guys, you know than it is me.

[B]

Yeah, maybe you might be right.

[D]

I did not do this. This is Big J. Yeah.

[B]

But I will say, Josie, you're also. You are. You're the type of gal that would get obsessed with a high school crush for I could see you being, like, a fucking. Yeah, like, just annoyingly obsessive. Like, get this fucking crazy bitch away from me.

[D]

I get obsessed with dressed up in

[A]

some stupid cosplay outfit, showing up like a sad pirate to school while your high school crush kisses you.

[D]

Yeah, but I don't betray my friends.

[A]

Somebody not dressed like Princess Leia.

[C]

Yeah. I would have thought it was Josie, but she wrote Big J's name downstairs.

[A]

That's what makes me think it's Josie. I'm like, nah, she wrote a heavy throw.

[D]

No, I just. I just know Jay. I watch this show a lot.

[C]

Yeah. And it's kind of worded how Jay would say something.

[D]

This is how Jay talks.

[C]

Yeah, this is how you talk, bruh.

[D]

Betrayed. Who's gonna say betrayed?

[A]

Lewis feels like everyone's betrayed him.

[C]

Well, yeah, like you said. Like, I was so obsessed when they told me that this was about when Alex sent me the text. Like, yeah, it's about obsession. I thought that shit said obesity. And I was. And I was writing shit about. I'm like, damn, I did used to be a fat nigga when I was a kid, bro.

[E]

Yours is gonna be easy to suss out, man. I'm starting to realize why he loses all the time.

[A]

All my stories are about obesity. Every time we have to think, what does it have to do with obsession? Just write, Naim.

[B]

Can I say the other side of this as well as I'm going through everyone? I don't know Andrew that well. I know everyone else on the panel pretty well. I will say, Jay, if this is your story, I could see you doing this.

[C]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

You can vote me if you'd like,

[E]

the nail in the coffin for me is just going, I was wrong. I can. It just. It does sound like something Big J would say.

[C]

Just still now, somebody got to move for Lewis Wolf of Lewis, bro. Because he does this. He does this all the time.

[E]

You direct people onto other people.

[B]

I do it all the time on the show that you're supposed to do that on.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The entire conception.

[D]

Now I'm rethinking it because now I'm like, oh, shit, maybe Lewis something really Big J, like, so that I would vote for Big J. I think it's Josie. I would never say that I was wrong. I would never admit that I'm a girl.

[B]

It's either Big J or Josie. What are you thinking, Andrew?

[A]

How did you say you were wrong? Josie?

[E]

I'm split. I'm still. No, it's definitely not Naim. That much I'm certain of. I'm still.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Black guys don't have crush marshes if they like somebody like, yo, what's up? Let's do this.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yup. Exactly.

[A]

They say, no, you kidnapped their cousin. Philly rules

[E]

just to spread it out. I'm going with Lewis.

[C]

Oh, nice.

[B]

Who are you putting? Josie. Jay?

[A]

Yeah. I don't think it's you.

[B]

What does the audience think? Big J or Josie? We got a lot of Joe. Oh, my God. I'm going Josie. Only because she voted so early. She looked like she was trying to throw it on Jay in a definitive way.

[D]

Nope.

[B]

Let's see. Alex. All of our answers are in. Story number one is down.

[F]

Story number one belongs to Big J. Okun.

[B]

Of course it was.

[C]

Hell yeah. Knew it. Hell yeah. Let's fucking go. Let's go.

[D]

Jay, you can't put a story that you've told me 15 times you've told me, you've told me this story. Hey, you've told me this story. When boys have said mean things to me, you're like, yeah, I one time said something mean to a girl I like, too. Like you've given me, to be fair,

[B]

Josie, he thought he was looking at a sunset. So that's what it is.

[A]

I did.

[B]

He was. He was just whispering his thoughts to the sun.

[A]

I thought you were dawn.

[C]

Let's go. We on the board.

[A]

Janessa Faragelli, man, I was so into her. And my friend TJ Weinstock was dating her for a little bit, and. And I was so. And I was so bummed out by that. And then they broke up. And then he's just around me and other friends, like, just talking guy Talk and whatever. Like, he's. You know, he's hyping up the story. Whatever. He was like, she was crying or whatever. And I was like, go eat another cheeseburger, bitch. And, like. Because, you know, she was chubby and I thought attainable for me, but it turns out not. And

[B]

we get turned down by a fat chick. Like, what the fuck is going on in my life?

[A]

She wasn't a fat chick. TJ was popular, and he wanted to date her. All right, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So TJ said mean things about her. And then so she worked at the West Coast Video up the street from my house. So I went over there to pretend rent a video to talk to her. And I don't know why, in my mind, when I told her this, she was gonna be like, thank you for telling me you would never say those things about me and fall into my arms. I was just like, yeah, he said some pretty shitty stuff about you. He was like, whatever, and go get a cheeseburger, you fat bitch.

[B]

Or whatever.

[A]

And it turns out she didn't fall into my arms. She got extremely upset, sad, called him and told him that I said that and whatever. And, like. And he was smaller than me. So the next day in school, when I went to school, he came up to me. He goes, yo, let me talk to you for a second. And I go. I go, what's up, dude? You want to fucking do something? Right? Because I was in my mind. I go, we're fighting already. And he went, no. Why would you do that to me, man? And I was like, I don't know, man. I panicked. I like her. I don't know. He just was a complete adult about it. I was like, so we're fighting? And he was like, what? No. Why would you tell that girl I said those things? All I did was hurt her feelings.

[B]

You betrayed my trust, and now you want to hit me?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You're gonna beat me up after you hurt my. Feel her feelings?

[B]

You're an evil person.

[A]

You're a complete monster.

[B]

You're bigger than me.

[A]

I never realized what a monster. I was wrong, everybody.

[B]

Yeah. As you're retelling the story, now you're realizing what a piece of.

[A]

Jesus. I knew it was bad, but it was worse than I thought.

[B]

Alex, we have one story down. Where are our points at?

[F]

All right. Tied for the lead with two points each. Big J Okerson, Josie Marcelino, and Naim Ali.

[B]

Very early. Alex, story number two.

[F]

Story number two. I like trains casually, but people think I'm obsessed with them. When I mention it, I'm just passionate, and I believe they're a superior form of transportation. But you mention it in any social setting and people look at you like you're deep on the spectrum.

[A]

Shut up. This is Josie. Because she's writing fucking Naim. That's insane. You think Naim wrote all those words? Yeah, I don't know how to write any of that.

[D]

It's either Naeem.

[B]

Let's discuss.

[D]

It's either Naim or Andrew. I don't know Andrew, but I know could be Andrew.

[C]

Nah. Yo, Josie was just talking to me

[B]

about trains in the green room.

[C]

There's Josie. She was just talking to me about trains.

[D]

I was, but this is not me. I do also like trains casually, but I didn't say that. I didn't say this.

[E]

Also, autism goes diagnosed way less frequently in women.

[D]

I've been diagnosed something. I've been diagnosed.

[A]

I do think that Andrew is from Canada, where trains are probably an exciting thing. You know what I mean? It's like moose trains.

[E]

You guys have such a loose definition of Canada, man.

[C]

Gravy.

[A]

French fries. Local broadcasting. It sort of sets sucks. A lot of it.

[D]

I know it's not Jay, because you don't even ride the subway. Like, you've done that, like, twice. So it's not you.

[A]

I am white. Grew up that way.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, the story warriors don't give a. About trains. And I'll. I'll die on that hill, dude.

[A]

I don't give a. About you.

[C]

Yeah, bro. Trains.

[B]

So it's that side of the table. We've narrowed it down to that side of the table immediately.

[C]

Yo, it's Josie.

[D]

It's not me.

[C]

She said I love trains.

[D]

Not me. I do love trains. I do.

[A]

Josie, why would you pray a story when you're professing in the back your love of trains when you know you submitted a train story, Jay, we wasn't

[C]

even talking nothing about trains. She just brought up out of nowhere, I love trains. I'm like, why you just say that?

[B]

Naim is really convincing.

[D]

No, I didn't do that. I didn't do that. So now I feel like it's Naim.

[C]

No, it's not.

[D]

No, it's not.

[E]

No, it's gotta be Naim. Because me, the way that it's written, even, it does it in a way like he's trying to be cool about it.

[C]

I could never give a fuck about a train.

[D]

No. Not care about trains. I feel like Alex took out a couple, you know, What I mean and bruhs and it's Naim. Punctuate it with that in your head, and this is him.

[A]

It's possible, but I'm telling you, Naeem didn't write passionate, casually superior transportation, social setting. Deep on the spectrum.

[C]

This motherfucker wrote transportation.

[A]

Alex would have had to take some crazy liberties with Naim's story.

[D]

Yes, jay.

[A]

You think there's 11n words taken out of this story?

[D]

Yes, Jay.

[B]

If you.

[D]

You trick me with racism. If you convince me with racism, and I end up being Josie.

[A]

You're playing the game well. She's fucking you.

[C]

She is playing well.

[D]

Do you remember last time when you voted me for every question and you finished dead last?

[A]

I've gotten a zero. I have nothing to lose. Ftw, Sioux Fi. Suck my dick.

[C]

Let's go.

[B]

Me, Big J. Naim. Vote for Josie. Andrew, why Naim? Why you say Naim before Joe? He gets a vote.

[E]

I think he was hiding it. I think he's just trying to. He was so quick to say she brought up trains. And then also, it's kind of like you can use.

[C]

AI was in there when you. He was in there when she brought trains.

[E]

He might have hit.

[A]

God damn it, Andrew. You're from Canada, so you have to understand, black people don't talk this way. Well, he could.

[E]

He could, like. He could put it in Claude and be like, give this white center.

[A]

He could have done it. There's an outside shot. He AI 5.

[E]

He might be adding layers to the.

[A]

That's not a bad theory right there. Because look at Josie voting last to make a fucking dramatic scene.

[D]

Jay, I think in my heart that this is Naim. I'm voting for Andrew because you've convinced me with racism. And if I'm wrong, because of you, we're having a fight.

[B]

Okay, well, you're gonna get into a fight with the Nickelodeon foot logo.

[A]

Absolutely. Dude, Josie's made 85% of GAK.

[D]

I do.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm just gonna keep on calling Josie different orange things for the day.

[A]

If you finger Josie, you have to pull out a flag. It's part of the double dare challenge. Then you have to jump inside a giant mouth.

[B]

Alex, all of our answers are in story number two.

[F]

Story number two belongs to Andrew Pack mother.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I told you it wasn't me.

[C]

I like him.

[E]

I like the train.

[C]

All right. What the fuck, bro?

[E]

It's okay to like them.

[D]

It is okay to like them. They're so good.

[A]

Did Josie really bring up trains out of nowhere?

[B]

Yeah, she Did I?

[D]

Did I really liked it.

[C]

She really did.

[A]

I'll never trust you to that.

[C]

That's fucking crazy.

[D]

That tells me that you don't listen to me ever. Cause I bring up trains in the green room a lot.

[B]

No, no. You bring up getting a train run on you in the green room a lot.

[D]

I'm not one of your girlfriends, Louis.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.

[B]

Andrew, talk to us about this train. Liking trains, you're not obsessed, but you do like them a lot.

[E]

They're just. It's just better when you're traveling to a gig. You got more space than an airplane. They don't. The security is not as bad. It moves more people. They have really fast ones in Japan that we should have over here to move more people. It's just logically, it's better.

[D]

There's a cafe. On most of them, there's bathrooms, and you don't have to pay attention, like, to the road. You're not driving.

[C]

Y' all making me retarded. Y' all gotta chill. What the.

[A]

However, if there's any sort of accident, the only person that survives will be unbreakable.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Proving my point further.

[B]

What's your favorite type of train? Andrew.

[E]

That's his thing. I'm not like that. I'm into them casually.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

You like every train equally.

[A]

Old freight, like the pass, BBC Subway,

[E]

the one that I ride.

[B]

The train that carry giant logs. I think probably in Canada, the Northeast regional.

[A]

The one that gets you into the Crips.

[E]

It's a very practical affinity. It's the ones that get me places. And I think we should have more of them in North America.

[A]

Not these guys. They're trying to bring back El Caminos one eBay rebuild at a time.

[B]

Two stories down. Alex, where are people points?

[F]

All right. In the last place with zero points, Lis J. Gomez.

[B]

It feels good, dude.

[F]

Tied for third place with two points each, Big J Okerson and Naim Ali.

[A]

Philly, let's go, Sixers.

[F]

In second place with three points, Andrew Packer comeback. And in first place with four points, Josie Marcelino.

[A]

Josie, tell me it's planned that you're dressed like that and stress eating nectarines.

[D]

They had them in the green room. I can't help it.

[A]

It's insane that you brought that out, peeled it and ate it during the

[E]

reads while looking like one. That's crazy. Crazy.

[D]

I'm sorry. I wanted some citrus. I'm not eating it into the mic.

[A]

Motherfuck. Alex. I don't like her casual Win style. Hey, story wars listeners, let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here at the show. And that of course is Ridge. And you've known Ridge for their wallets for years now. But now you got to get in on the new Ridge Power bank. It's a five in one power bank that let you charge everything at any time. Mag safe, wireless charging, lightning and USB C cables. Ridge has you covered the whole way. The power bank holds up to three full phone charges and it powers the devices very, very fast. They keep upping the game. They keep upping their, their game so much. Rich.

[B]

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[A]

What's up, story warriors? Let's talk about one of our amazing sponsors over here at the show, and that is Factor Meals. Man, have I been messing with Factor Meals for years and years now. They're designed by dietitians and prepared by real chefs. Ready in two minutes. No planning, no cooking. I have zero time to cook in my life. If I'm able to cook myself twice a month, I'd be surprised. And I can't just eat fast food constantly. It's, we're getting old and you have to think about your diet a little bit. In fact, there has a wide variety of meals all made with nutrient dense ingredients. It's easy to fit in any diet goal or schedule. They have dietary restriction meals, all kinds, whatever you need. If you're doing keto, they have everything to meet your needs.

[B]

Particularly, dude, they sent me teriyaki filet mignon. It was so good.

[A]

Dude, that's what I'm saying too. It's like they, they, they, it's like meant to your thing. You don't have to keep, you don't have to go like, if you don't want to eat like super clean, healthy. Like they have like, you know, like rich and delicious foods too.

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[A]

Alex. Story number three.

[F]

Story number three. One of my exes used to stalk me. They caught me coming out of a hotel with a date and shot us with a BB gun.

[A]

Naim convince me this isn't you,

[C]

bro. What? None of my hoes shoot me with shit, bro. I'm not. I'm a real nigga, dawg. I run a tight program around here. Ain't none of my bitches shooting me. Fuck you think I am? Come on, Jay. You gotta put some respect on my name.

[A]

This could be Lewis, but I think I would know this story from Lewis.

[B]

You would have heard about the time that one of my exes shooting me with a BB gun.

[A]

100%.

[B]

And I wouldn't even press charges because that's objectively hilarious. If one of my exes showed up and shot me in some dumb broad with a BB gun, it would be

[A]

so good out of a hotel with a day tulare too. Because that means straight up fucking him.

[C]

That is fucking him.

[B]

That's a great point. And that's some Naim shit. Because Naeem's got like two wives, so he's gotta in hotels.

[D]

That is also Lewis for sure.

[A]

It is, but I would know the Lewis also.

[C]

I don't trust you at all now, bro. Yeah, I don't know anything about you.

[E]

You think this is me? You know nothing about me.

[D]

We know nothing about.

[A]

I don't know Andrew. And I'm telling you, this ain't him 1 million percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

I think we're all certain on that.

[B]

To be fair, Andrew is dressed like a hunting target.

[C]

Yeah, he is.

[D]

My thing is, if this is naim, why is it not a real gun in Philly? You're not messing around with a BB gun.

[A]

I tell you something, between Josie and Andrew, it looks like they are dressed to hunt naim in the woods like surviving the game. It looks like you're a crazy husband and wife. You have Josie luring the black guys with her big tits and fat wagon. Yeah and then you tell them you're cool with it and you feed him and get him slow and then you hunt him on ATVs together and then you guys on his dead body like that bear anyway Naim.

[C]

Nah bro. Yeah I I'm got real guns like

[D]

Josie said that's the only thing that's throwing me off here and the fact

[B]

I believe that you've also been shot with a real gun by one of your But I think this is another one of your stories. I think you have multiple stories now

[C]

I know his Lewis. Cuz you going too hard.

[B]

Naim is freaking out right now. He knows his entire game is falling apart.

[C]

05 left handed with a left handed get shot with a BB gun never.

[A]

Naim. Wait wait before you say I don't want to lead you at all but I'm just going to tell you wait before you let go of that.

[C]

Yeah cuz you're.

[A]

It's not even me you're voting for. I'm just going to tell you I feel like you might not be wrong because I feel like I would know this story of Lewis told us but I'm also. I've smoked a lot of pot. I've smoked a lot of pot and I this is one of those things where Lewis will get mad afterwards and go dude I've told you this story a thousand times. I'm like oh I forgot it could happen now.

[C]

You just confused me. Yeah you didn't help me at all.

[B]

Look at names acting right now. This is all smoke and mirrors right now.

[C]

No this Lewis.

[B]

Let's see.

[C]

I got it.

[B]

Andrew Packer is putting my name down. Andrew, why are you thinking it's me?

[E]

I just, it's.

[D]

It's.

[C]

You tried to force it.

[E]

I don't know it seems like something that would happen to you on it does.

[C]

He's Puerto Rican.

[B]

Look at him.

[C]

He Puerto Rican bro I with BB guns.

[A]

Maybe I'm wrong. I might be wrong here.

[D]

I'm gonna say Lewis cuz if it's Naim I kind of want him to get points. If I had to choose one of them to get points I would like Naim to get points more. No offense. I'm sorry.

[A]

That's what you get for being a prison guard over at prison.

[D]

He's never won. It's been five games.

[B]

Josie, if you're here who's being the University of Tennessee right now.

[D]

Yeah, I don't understand that joke.

[B]

The big orange. Come on.

[A]

Colors. That's their colors.

[B]

Look, all of her answers are in

[F]

story number three belongs to Naim Ollie.

[C]

Hell yeah, it was me. Ha ha ha. Ah, yeah. This was the day before. This was the day before I got married. My and my. My soon to be wife checked my location and came to the hotel and saw me walking out drunk.

[B]

With your soon to be wife?

[C]

Yeah. Yep.

[A]

It says one of your exes, but

[D]

now it's his ex.

[C]

She my ex wife. Obviously it didn't work. What did y' all think it worked? What the. She called me cheating the day before we got married. What are you saying?

[D]

Oh, one of his exes.

[B]

Now you were cheating on the woman you were marrying the next day?

[C]

Yeah, we were getting married the next day.

[B]

And then she shot you with a BB gun? With a BB gun. Did she break skin?

[C]

Hell yeah. She hit me like six times. That got aim. That got aimed like a BB gun.

[A]

Can you see?

[C]

And she hit the. She hit me and the bro.

[D]

I don't like that you pointed at me.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

And then you had to go get married with BB holes in your skin.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yep, yep. The next day.

[E]

Say, did any part of you think you were getting real shot?

[C]

I did. I really did. I'm like, oh, this killing me. I'm like, damn. I'm like, damn, I'm dying.

[B]

Well, BB gun is even more nerve wracking than real gunshots, cuz. You're here.

[C]

Yeah. Yep, yep.

[B]

You're feeling the. The holes going.

[C]

This got a silencer on this thing. This killing me. This is nuts. I really thought I was dying.

[B]

Did you know it was her when you were being shot?

[C]

Yeah, I saw the car.

[B]

I'm like, oh, she did a drive by. What black thing to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yep. She pulled through the window, nigga. And look, and the way she pulled up, she. She had to roll down the passenger side window. So she was from the. In the driver's side shooting through the passenger side. Hell yeah. It just hit me. I'm like, ah, what's happening?

[D]

This got great aim.

[E]

She has great a. I bet you outside, if you had watched, you would have seen a lot of dead squirrels around. She's been practicing.

[A]

That's like a low stakes version of what happened to Ricky and boys in the hood.

[C]

Hey, yo, Ricky.

[A]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. No, you were gonna play college ball.

[B]

How was the. How was the wedding?

[C]

The wedding was fun.

[A]

Lovely, lovely.

[C]

The wedding was a lot.

[A]

Mazel. Mazel tov.

[C]

Went with a lot of.

[E]

Did you address it in your vows?

[C]

No.

[B]

They were like, if anyone thinks that these two shouldn't be married, there's a girl with holes in her chest in the back. Like,

[C]

before we got married, my. My best friend was like, bro, don't do. Don't do this, bro. He like, you ain't even ready for this, dog. And I was like, I am. I got it. I didn't have it. I didn't have it.

[B]

Alex, three stories down. Give us our point spread.

[F]

All right. In last place, with two points, Luis J. Gomez. In fourth place with. With three points, Andrew Packer.

[A]

Very nice.

[F]

And tied for first place with four points each, Big J Okerson, Josie Marcelino, and Naim Ali.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God. Louis, I promise you, I'm gonna make sure we take home out of the Shadows. Understanding Sexual Addiction. The book which focuses on recognizing the warning signs of sexual addiction, from denial and double lives to the endless promise that this is the last time.

[B]

We need this book.

[D]

Did you just hear the last story?

[B]

I've said these exact words to myself so many times.

[A]

What's the funny joke here? Carnes explains how the cycle keeps repeating no matter how many dramatic vows are made in the mirror afterward. In the revised third edition, he also addresses cybersex addiction, showing how new technology can make addiction easier to feed, hard, harder to escape, and more difficult to recognize.

[D]

I don't know if you heard the last story. Naim needs this book.

[C]

I really do need this book. I really do. I have to win. I need this book.

[A]

I need the book.

[B]

Alex. Story number four.

[F]

Story number four. I became so obsessed with my favorite porn star that when I met them, I began to cry.

[B]

Hey, yo, that is a woman thing to do.

[C]

Yeah, yo. Whoever did this is a fucking loser.

[D]

Women don't have favorite porn stars.

[B]

Women definitely have favorite porn stars. Especially you, you little sexual deviant. I know what the fuck's going on with you.

[D]

I can't name a single porn star.

[A]

Oh, really, Miss Just did five years in whore prison. Trying to get back on your feet. Give her sister a chance.

[D]

I just did the SDR show. I cannot name the porn star I beat in Scatteries.

[A]

It doesn't matter. That's a cur. Current porn star.

[B]

This is when you play. When you play categories with a porn star, it involves shit.

[D]

Yeah, Scattergory.

[A]

I want to think this is Lewis.

[D]

I feel like it's Lewis.

[A]

You think?

[B]

I began to cry when I met my Favorite porn star.

[D]

Yes. You didn't have a mom.

[C]

Oh, shit.

[B]

That's not true. I had a mom. My mom was. She died when I was 22. Jersey.

[D]

And she was a prostitute before I had memories.

[C]

All right, but you do be crying. I saw you crying.

[A]

You do be crying.

[B]

You do be crying should be your podcast name. You bring guys on to cry and go, you do be crying and you just shame them.

[A]

I do know that Lewis does cry a lot, but I couldn't imagine.

[B]

Cry a lot. What are you saying? A lot. I get emotional and I'm a man and I'm in touch with my emotions and that's. And by the way, women like like that. And that's why I need this book, because women throw at me regularly when I cry.

[A]

You cried twice about Dave leaving Legion of Skanks. It was.

[B]

You didn't cry any times.

[A]

I know. We're all adults. It's fine. I'll see him. He wasn't going off to. He wasn't moving to another country. He's still where he's at. He doesn't do show anymore.

[B]

You won't see Dave until Skank Fest. What are you talking about?

[A]

I don't know if I'm going to see him at Skank Fest. My point is I can't walk away from anything in an instant if I feel the heat coming around the corner.

[B]

Look, if you think I. Please put my name down. I want everyone to waste their points all day.

[D]

Cuz I don't know Andrew and you.

[E]

Yeah, I'm at a heavy disadvantage because I don't know you guys well enough.

[A]

Yeah. Also, Andrew, do you love porn?

[B]

That's a great question.

[E]

No.

[B]

Who's your favorite porn star?

[E]

I. Yeah, I don't.

[B]

You don't have one.

[D]

You're in camo with a gold chain. You love porn. Love porn. Yeah.

[C]

He lying. He lying.

[A]

Lying to say you don't like porn and don't know any porn stars names and don't have a favorite at all ever in your life.

[B]

That's a little bit of a red cross.

[C]

What type of don't like porn? He lying. And you're from Canada. You from Canada. So y' all be crying.

[E]

No, I just try to.

[C]

Crying.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Drake, the beaver population's down. Whatever makes you guys cry.

[B]

What'd you say? What'd you say, Andrew?

[E]

I saw a twinkle in your eyes.

[B]

No, those are tears welling up. I'm about to cry.

[A]

Exactly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He really, really wants the book. He gets emotional about everything.

[E]

Quite clearly, you and I can confidently tell you guys.

[B]

You guys are gonna. You guys are just gonna dump points on Josie right now. It's insane.

[D]

Why would it be me?

[B]

Because you're a woman, and a woman would get emotionally attached to a porn star. They think of sex.

[C]

Shut the up.

[A]

I'm sorry, sir.

[B]

I'm sorry if that's your wife.

[A]

You can't.

[E]

Based on the board of.

[A]

We're not gonna. We're never gonna get this show up on Netflix with this.

[D]

Hang on.

[C]

Hey, yo.

[D]

Women of the audience, clap if you know the name of a porn star. You're not a.

[B]

What audience. Yeah, you a bro. Naim, who's your favorite porn star?

[C]

Oh, Cherokee, probably.

[E]

Or.

[B]

Or that's a call.

[A]

Cherokee to ass. Or.

[C]

Yeah, Cherokee the ass.

[A]

It's the apostrophe ass.

[C]

Yeah, it used to be funny. Fat. It used to be Pinky.

[A]

But she got big and fat.

[C]

Yeah, she got fat. As.

[B]

I thought name was jerking off to an suv. I really did. Oh, Josie, who's your favorite porn star?

[D]

Joanna Angel. And the only reason you couldn't name

[B]

a single porn star by the way,

[A]

she met Joanna angel at.

[D]

The only reason is because I met her twice at hsr. So that's why. And I. That's recorded. I did not cry. I met her twice at hsr.

[C]

Damn.

[D]

And she was nice to me.

[C]

Now I'm confused.

[B]

Confused.

[A]

I'm not overthinking it. This is Lois.

[C]

Y' all keep confusing me.

[B]

Josie is my final answer. This is one move.

[D]

I kind of want to go Andrew, but I.

[E]

That's an insane.

[D]

I feel like it's. Louis.

[E]

Never met a porn star Andrew. I'm not in those circles.

[B]

Andrew's a nice guy. He's not a deviant like that. He's not.

[D]

But you don't know what.

[E]

I was at Skank Fest. I did meet a porn star, but I didn't cry. I didn't know she was a porn

[A]

star until she fist fucked your ass. You must be a pro.

[E]

I didn't know you were there for that.

[D]

I don't know. Crazy.

[A]

I'm always there.

[B]

I mean, to be fair, when I met my favorite porn star, she didn't mace me and my eyes did tear. So I guess. I guess that counts.

[A]

I don't think I ever met my favorite porn star.

[B]

Who's your favorite porn star?

[A]

When I was a young man, it was a heavy, bushed, hot chick named Raquel Darien.

[B]

Oh, I remember. Rock Hildarian. Oh, everyone votes loose. You guys are awesome. Somebody Probably Josie just cleaned the fuck up. That's insane. Fuck. That's insane. It's not me. It's not me, dummy.

[C]

Damn it,

[B]

Alex. Whose story was story number four?

[F]

Story number four belongs to Josie Marcelino.

[A]

It was fucking Joanna Angel.

[D]

It wasn't. It wasn't. I lied about that. That my favorite porn star's name is Nina Hartley. And I. She looks a lot like the therapist that I had at the time when I met her.

[A]

And you look your favorite. She had a great ass when she was young.

[D]

I think some of my wires got crossed cuz she looked exactly like my therapist, Ms. Susan. And Ms. Susan.

[A]

What are you, a black child? Who the fuck calls another adult Miss? First name.

[D]

And I met. Well, I had her as a therapist when I was a child, so she was Ms. Susan.

[A]

And you're a black child.

[D]

Yeah, basically. And then I met her at Exotica.

[B]

That's why you're dressed like a bottle of Fanta?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Don't show.

[D]

Orange drink. Thank you. And yeah. No, then I met her at Exotica and I. I started to tear up a little bit. So.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Nah, I fucking.

[A]

Well good those tears. Probably put some water in that Tang outfit you have on.

[C]

That.

[A]

All right, Alex, where our pa, Josie just ate there. Damn.

[F]

All right. In last place with three points, Andrew Packer. Tied for second place with four points each, Lewis J. Gomez, Big J. Okerson and Naim Ali.

[A]

Philly and Lewis.

[F]

And in the lead with seven points, Josie Marcelino.

[C]

Yo, this game not fair. This game not fair. Women too good at lying, bruh. It's not fair.

[A]

It's not.

[C]

They great liars.

[A]

It's not not fair. I know Josie enough to know like, Josie's like, she's got charts at home and studied this game.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

I just watch it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I just like it.

[B]

Josie's good at. Josie's good at all.

[D]

And I listen to my friends when they talk, so I know how you guys talk. You guys never listen to me, which is crazy. Ever.

[A]

I would say most of our friendship is every time I hear your voice, I go, that's what she sounds like.

[B]

Yeah, Josie's really good at lion because she's dressed like a tiger. Come on, folks.

[C]

Oh, there we go.

[B]

It's a bad joke. I'm allowed to throw out bad jokes. It's a halfway point of the show, guys. At this point, we're gonna go around the horn and get some plugs. Plug some dates, some podcasts, all that stuff. Andrew Packer, what are you plugging my friend?

[E]

I'M gonna be in Chicago on Friday, Madison on Saturday. Got a full tour on. And punchup live at Andrew Packer.

[B]

Yeah, I should let you know this isn't coming out for like a month. But anyway, those shows were incredible.

[A]

You did kill us, those shows.

[E]

I got a special that I'm shooting in Toronto June 25th and 26th. You can check that out.

[B]

Hell yeah, dude. Go check it. And Andrew's hilarious. He goes viral all the time. Very, very funny comedian.

[C]

Do regular deer tag. Subscribe, get on the Patreon. Best podcast in the world. Naim Ali saves the world. Tune in. We changing lives over there, bruh. And we is changing lives, dog. Don't you. Don't you guys hate? Never. I'm not gonna say it, but tune in, bro. And I'm gonna be everywhere this summer. I'm in Ohio, Kentucky, Cali. We everywhere, bro. Jump on that Instagram.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Josie Marcelino.

[D]

I got nothing, but I'll probably have something at some point, so follow me. All my social media is just Osie Marcelino.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right, Big J. Just listen to the bonfire. Listen to Legion of Skanks over here on gas digital and bigjaycomeddy.com for all my dates.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

First thing first, go buy some Skank Fest tickets. I'm sure at this point single day pass are still available. So come to Skank Fest a year. Plenty of story war shows happening at Skank Fest. Buy my book knives and spoons available on Amazon at Barnes and Noble. And if you love this show, you should subscribe to Gas Digital. We do an uncensored and ad free version of the show that gets a pre release every Monday night. So if you're watching this on YouTube right now, you should know that you could have watched it Monday uncensored ad free racist live chat. It's so much fun with uncensored live chat. It gets pretty crazy over the Gas digital network. Gas digital.com use the promo code war and you save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly and it helps support uncensored ad free comedy.

[A]

Hell yeah. Thank you. We have now we've reached the second half of the show where I have to assume, Andrew, you're probably feeling pretty low right now, like you're probably out of this thing. I know you're one point behind three of us and four points behind Josie, but this is all able to be turned around in just one round. Because what you might not know as a foreign friend, a visitor to our fine country, and Josie can Tell you this because she is a former story warrior. For the second half of the show, we always go double points. I live Sioux Phi life. Now, Andrew, I'll over explain it because I know it is your first time here on the show. It's very simple. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point and if you guessed the correct person, you got two points. That now jumps up to double points. Dane cook for life.

[B]

Second half, Alex, story number six,

[F]

story number five.

[B]

Alex, story number five.

[F]

Story number five. I've been so obsessed with games on my phone that I've easily spent thousands of dollars on in game purchases over the last last several years.

[B]

All right, I'm getting Big J vibes on this one. Big J plays Candy Crush.

[A]

I do.

[B]

He loves Candy Crush and he'll.

[E]

And.

[B]

And he'll play like Jeopardy. Or Family Feud was the one and he would pay for it.

[D]

And I paid for that.

[A]

I've never all my life, one time paid for Family Feud.

[B]

You've never paid for Family Feud.

[D]

Okay, but you have told me that you spent thousands of dollars on Candy Crush, which is embarrassing.

[B]

No, he said he spent. He said he spent thousands of dollars on candy.

[D]

He crushed the candy.

[B]

And he crushed the candy. Yeah, that was it.

[D]

No, but you do play a lot of phone games, and I think this is you.

[A]

I do play a lot of. That's almost my point. I have a lot of phone games. So when my lives run out on one, I just move on to the next.

[D]

I don't think you do that.

[A]

Money on games.

[C]

Yeah, it doesn't sound like bullshit.

[B]

I don't believe anything you're saying right now.

[A]

I know. It's probably because Josie said I've told her this story for the second time. That my stories come up. It's destroying the game internally.

[D]

Stop telling me stories.

[A]

Play the Josie Marcelino for the Christ's sakes.

[B]

Oh, God.

[D]

I didn't think you were gonna give up.

[A]

I thought you gave back. What a massacre. You told me this exact story.

[D]

Why would you not fight for.

[A]

Hey, Jay, you told me this exact story again.

[D]

All right, I've seen. I've seen this.

[A]

Josie. It would behoove you for the game to not tell everybody that because then you can get the points and every. And the game is not a complete neutral. Push. Two times you've done that. Now massacring this episode.

[D]

J. I've seen this game so many times. And you have called out Lewis for telling stories. You've called out other people for telling stories. Why would you not just lie hey,

[B]

Josie, maybe you don't come to our show and dress like a bag of Cheetos and expect us to give you the fucking.

[A]

God damn, it is easy being cheesy.

[D]

Well, now you've made me feel bad for playing the game. Game.

[C]

You didn't play it right, Josie.

[D]

Why would you not lie?

[B]

Well, let me just say this. Look, to be fair, Jay's right. Like, even if you know, because there's certain times I'll. I'll pull the current aside here. Me and Jay know each other for a long time. If I know it's Jay's story, if I know for a fact, I'm never like, oh, everyone, it's definitely Jay story. I know for a fact because I'm trying.

[A]

He told me this story. Yeah.

[B]

I'm trying to get the most points.

[D]

Right. All right, I'm sorry.

[C]

Well, just tell me. You don't gotta tell everybody.

[D]

That's true.

[A]

Okay, that would make more sense.

[B]

Here's the point, though. It sort of makes the round to wash. It doesn't matter. Matter. You're just. You're bending Jay over like a big orange dildo and pounding him in his ass.

[A]

Another story of mine probably will not come up. I'm out of this game.

[B]

You can win with zero stories. You know that. And you're doing great.

[A]

Not from. Not from where we're at, Alex.

[C]

God damn.

[B]

Whose story was story number five?

[F]

Story number five belongs to Big J.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

That's right, Josie, go on and tell him. Candy Crush planes spent a lot of money.

[B]

To be fair. Jay, I will say I was already voting for you because.

[A]

Great.

[D]

Damn, he's mad for real now. I'm sorry.

[A]

No, it's not. It's just. It's a. It's a wash round. It becomes a wash round.

[D]

Please still let me open for you.

[A]

No, that's. Those days are over. That ship has sailed. Garfield, You can't, however. You can't, however, hold on to my back passenger window to make people who drive by happy.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[B]

I mean, is there anything more to the story? Did J. Did Josie really?

[A]

Sounds like we have to add something to the pre show speech.

[B]

I mean, to be fair. Ralph.

[A]

Yeah. Thousands of dollars. Candy Crush, next story.

[B]

Ralph did the exact same play with you and you hadn't told him that, and he got all the points because he got everyone to vote for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that happened. So that. That could. If. If it wasn't Josie just doing that, it could have been that.

[A]

Except she did it twice on both stories. Of mine. It was borderline crazy.

[B]

Alex, story number six. Now story number six scores.

[A]

Right, Plug it in.

[B]

Fuck you, dude. Josie really just ruined this show. Anyway, we're all over the place right now because of Josie Marcelino. Josie's last appearance, everyone. Come on, folks. Come on.

[A]

That's right. She's gonna be 2 and O forever.

[D]

I'm so sorry,

[E]

Alex.

[B]

Whereupon set.

[F]

All right, now, in last place with four points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

They still love me. Josie, you'll just be a memory.

[F]

In fourth place with seven points, Andrew Packer. Tied for second place with eight points points each, Louis J. Gomez and Naim Ali.

[C]

Let's go.

[F]

And in first place with 11 points, Josie Marcelino.

[A]

Wow,

[D]

it feels dirty now. I don't even want it.

[A]

Now.

[D]

Now my friends are sad. This stinks.

[B]

No, it's all right. It's all right. It's still anybody's game, truly. Probably not Jay's, but it's truly anybody's game.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You only. You only Jay. It's okay. All right, folks, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coff, my company for supporting the show. You guys know and love Body Brain Coffee. Just five simple ingredients. Premium freeze dried coffee that will help you feel like the best version of yourself. It's got Tongkat Ali, which is linked to testosterone. Support lion's mane mushrooms, which help with focus and memory. Ashwagandha, which puts you in a great mood and it smooths everything out with L theanine. But I also want to talk about our brand new Body Brain creamer, which is a completely different stack of nootropics and adaptogens that is designed to stack with Body Brain Coffee. You don't need to take 10 pills every morning in order to get everything that you guys want. Um, it's got a C8MCT and coconut milk powder base, plus it's got cordyceps mushrooms, collagen, a little bit of Ceylon cinnamon for flavor, and rhodiola rose, which really makes me feel great. When I take this stack, I feel like I'm a million bucks. I'm so much sharper. I have so much more energy. Why drink an energy drink or take a bunch of pills. You could have one incredible cup of coffee. Jay, are you choking right now?

[A]

That creamer feels so cool in my asshole.

[C]

It does.

[B]

It cools it down, right?

[A]

Especially on these hot summer days we're about to hit here. We're in record numbers here in New York. Lewis, I don't know if you've seen the news but it's record numbers.

[B]

Well, that's the beautiful part about the creamer and the coffee is you could drink it iced, which is great in the summer, hot in the wintertime. So if you, if Jay, if your asshole gets a little bit chilly in the wintertime, guess what? Just funnel it right into your butthole. Do you use a funnel or do you just pour the powder directly into your butt? Do you mix it first as a liquid or do you powder your butt?

[A]

Dr. No, I hear it. I bend it in half. I open the packet, I bend it in half and then I like edge it in there a little bit. Bit and.

[B]

Oh, the packet.

[A]

Yeah, I put the packet right in. Yeah, and then, but I pulled the packet out. I just ripped the top of the packet and like so my asshole's its own funnel, you understand? I get.

[B]

Oh. And then you kind of like do a little like, like the truffle shuffle to mix it up.

[A]

We'd be surprised if you work your stomach muscles enough. Your ass is very bottomless almost.

[B]

Since Jay, Big J is known for working his stomach muscles a lot. That's one of the things about him. But either way, guys, try the creamer and try the coffee. You can get them both right [e-mail] use the promo code WAR20 for 20% off.

[D]

Off.

[B]

All right, where were we? All right, story warriors, let's talk about our favorite boots in the world, which is Brunt work where genuinely the best work boots you're ever going to get. If you guys work a tough job a lot, we have a lot of blue collar fans of these shows. You guys are out all day long on your feet all day long. You need to feel good. These boots feel like they're an old broken in pair of sneakers that you've had for years and years and years and years. But they're brand new boots. I own two pair myself. Jay, I know you own a pair. They're the best boots you're ever going to own in your entire life. Life.

[A]

They feel like comfortable old sneakers, but they still make you look like a total hard working badass. Just don't feel my fans for calluses, please. I'm out there faking the funk. But here's the thing. Front doesn't care. They don't care if you're doing actual work or if you just want to wear them for fashion or because they're comfortable. They are the most comfortable boots you're ever going to get. That's a fact. For sure. And for a limited Time. Story wars fans are going to get $10 off at Brunt. When you use Code wars at checkout, that's the Code wars with a Z W, A R, z. [e-mail] use the code WARS and you're just good to go. It's that simple. Brunt workwear.com. check them out right now. Get yourself a pair. All right, where were we?

[B]

Alex, Story number six.

[F]

Story number six. I was obsessed with tits as a kid and would compulsively draw nipples on every picture of a lady I got my hands on.

[B]

May, you said you weren't going to have another story. Story. You piece of shit.

[A]

Really? Joey's gonna be like, jay drew nipples on my tits. When I showed him a picture of

[B]

me, he told me specifically about all the nipples that he would draw. I mean, I will say that if it wasn't your story, the last story, I would definitely think this is you. Josie, are you sure he hasn't told you this exact story?

[D]

I don't want to say anything anymore.

[A]

She's saying she has me down my thing, but it's because that's making me think it's her because it's certainly not me. They're not putting. It's not going to be a third one in a row of me first.

[D]

That's totally possible. You're the only one I could picture doing this.

[A]

Go ahead, then.

[E]

Everybody write me down again. Josie. I mean, this is.

[A]

I hope to God it's Josie, and she is. I hope by this next round she has 75 points and the rest of us don't give a.

[C]

Yo.

[B]

I will say that Jay also draws nice tits.

[D]

You do?

[C]

Oh, you. Oh, you draw tits.

[B]

He draws good tits.

[C]

Oh, yeah, those are some bangers. You got some knockers right there, bruh.

[D]

You had practice.

[A]

Come on.

[D]

You've had practice. Well, you also had practice.

[C]

Lewis's tits are better. Yeah, Lewis's tits are better.

[D]

Lewis's tits are better. Jay's tits are more realistic, which tells me he's had practice. Practice.

[B]

Stop talking about our tits. It's making me self conscious.

[E]

I. I just feel like the focus is on the nipples. It sounds like something like deep on the spectrum. You do.

[C]

You.

[E]

You look at tits and you go,

[B]

those need nipples like somebody who really likes trains might do it. Oh, wow.

[E]

I mean, you can go at me, but you guys are going to wash all your points.

[B]

I mean, I don't care.

[A]

I've already lost.

[B]

I'm assuming what that means is, like, on magazines, anytime there's a woman. They would draw nipples on them. I would do stuff like that. But I would. I would draw. I mean everything. I would draw like devil horns and a dick and a swastika on their forehead.

[D]

But you drew tits on there.

[B]

Yeah, I draw some tits on him every once in a while.

[C]

Yo, he be doing shit like this, bro. I think it. See, I don't know what the right.

[A]

This is very. Lewis has to doodle and when we do Legion of Skanks, I look down sometimes and I'm happy that we don't have an overhead camera because he's drawn for some reason. Reason upside down crosses. Crosses on fire and swastikas.

[B]

That's my little I literally.

[A]

And then sometimes he turns the swastikas into cubes and then he starts another swastika.

[B]

And then sometimes it's a box with flames coming out of the top of the box.

[A]

And then also sometimes the cross will turn to a box with flames, but before it's a box of flames, it's a burning cross on a piece of paper.

[B]

No, an upside down cross. A burning cross.

[A]

I have to convince myself

[B]

a swastika is so fun to draw.

[A]

It's not. Not fun.

[B]

I mean, it's the most satisfying thing you could ever fucking nail, dude. It's like, you know, the S where you connect the lines. It's like that, but easier.

[A]

And you know what's funny? If you draw it the opposite direction, it means peace in some kind of weird Mayan language. But it's not as fun to draw that way. Lewis, stop drawing swastikas. This isn't skanks.

[B]

No, I'm not drawing swastikas.

[A]

Louis, stop drawing a bunch of swastikas. Stop connecting swastikas to make a word.

[B]

No, but I am drawing the S's like that. And I drew S.S. there you go.

[A]

Who does that mean?

[B]

No, that's not naim I.

[C]

It's definitely not me.

[B]

This could be anybody. This is just.

[C]

I would never say compulsively.

[A]

He's right. That is my check out.

[D]

I'm torn between Lewis and Jay.

[C]

Yes, a.

[B]

So am I.

[A]

Well, cuz this could be. But I also told you this story that one time. But I also confess. I almost conf. I also confessed this to you one time in a hotel.

[D]

I'm so sorry.

[A]

That was pillow talk.

[D]

I'm so sorry.

[E]

I'm just lost in. This is like the opposite of the opening scene of Superbad. You know, just the obsessive kid.

[C]

Yeah, like not dicks, but at least

[E]

it's tits and not the dicks.

[D]

Tits are hard to draw.

[C]

No, not so.

[E]

You did it in like literally three seconds.

[C]

Yeah, they did that so fast you

[D]

make a tit like a dick. You just.

[A]

You want me to do a different kind? I'll do a different kind. I'm not gonna change my answer, but I'll draw some different kinds.

[B]

Okay. Draw some bee stings.

[A]

Some little be some little bids.

[B]

Little bids.

[C]

Sure, sure, sure, man. Fuck that.

[B]

I don't mind small titties. Come on, boys.

[D]

Porn between the two of them. You think it's me?

[C]

I don't know. I don't trust you anymore.

[D]

Okay?

[C]

You ruined our trust, Josie. Yeah.

[A]

These ones are different sizes, cuz that's natural.

[D]

My heart says Jay, but if this is Lewis, I'm gonna.

[A]

They say tits are like they're sisters, not twins.

[D]

My heart's saying Jay. I'm gonna go to J.

[B]

My heart's kind of saying Big J too. He's drawing more tits.

[C]

Draw some saggy ones.

[A]

I am. That's what I'm doing right now.

[D]

Wait, you just putting in requests?

[B]

Is Jake going to get two, three stories in two in a row in round two is insane.

[C]

That is crazy.

[E]

That's why I had to go.

[B]

But they do randomly generate the order of the stories. It can happen. You can get three stories. We had somebody get three stories once we had Karen F and win with no stories.

[A]

Going to get demonetized.

[B]

We'll just blur it. It's fine.

[D]

Who is that?

[A]

An African lady. Why don't you learn about culture, Josie?

[B]

You know what? I'm changing it to Andrew. He had. He had the autistic qualities with the trans. This is an autistic quality as well.

[C]

It is.

[B]

And just I. I think that this is Big J. Deep down I'm like, this is something Big J definitely did.

[A]

Even though I told everything to Jo. She doesn't know. Oh, she did guess me. It's probably me.

[C]

Hey, yo.

[D]

This isn't fun anymore. I'm so sorry.

[B]

But I will say that just by the. The odds, like, even though it's randomly drawn, the odds are it's not your story. Two in around the second half. So I'm gonna go Andrew based off of that.

[C]

Damn it probably is Andrew.

[B]

Unless it's Naim.

[F]

Alex, story number six, be belongs to Josie Marcelino.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You see that? See that, See that? Let's go.

[B]

And I will tell you right now, the further Josie pulls ahead, the more Jay is going to hate it.

[D]

I feel so bad this might be

[A]

the night I might take pills and see what God chooses.

[B]

Josie, tell us this story. You were obsessed with tits as a kid.

[D]

Yeah, I was obsessed with tits as a kid and, you know, grew up in a house with, like, the most excessive child locks on the computer. So I couldn't see them, so I just had to draw them. And I wasn't really good at drawing them. I would just do circles. Like, just big circles, huge areolas on every person that I drew, but on everything that I had, except, like, you know, pictures of, like, family and. But, like, in a magazine, cartoons, anything. Everybody. Everybody got nipples.

[B]

All right, Jose Marcelino.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Pulling ahead, deep ahead, six stories down. Alex, where our points at?

[F]

Stuck in last place with four points, Big J Okerson.

[C]

Jesus Christ. God damn.

[A]

I could have been home. I got a pack. I'm looking for Vegas in the morning. I got a busy day ahead of me. I could have been doing anything else.

[D]

I'll send you so many pictures of Farah Abraham's and I'll. Whatever I have to do to make up for this.

[B]

Alex, continue.

[A]

I do appreciate that.

[F]

In fourth place, with seven points, Andrew Packer.

[C]

There you go.

[F]

In third place, with eight points, Louis J. Gomez. In second place with 12 points, Naim Ali.

[C]

Let's fucking go, bro.

[F]

And in the lead with 17 points, Josie Marcelino.

[C]

Seventeen is crazy.

[E]

That's crazy.

[B]

It's a shame because she is undeniably great at the game, but this is her last appearance on the show. It's like kicking Jordan out in his prime. It's insane.

[D]

I'll say.

[A]

Hey, thanks for that second championship. Bye.

[D]

Body cam videos. Farrah Abraham. Shit. Pictures. Anything you want. I'm so sorry.

[A]

Your betrayal. Remember I used that word? Alex. Story number seven.

[F]

Story number seven. While going through. While going through puberty, I would masturbate to anyone of the opposite sex that came on the television. It didn't matter what they looked like.

[C]

Oh, come on, bro.

[A]

I wrote Andrew, and I'm working backwards from there.

[E]

That's a good start. Yeah, you'll need to work backwards.

[B]

Any one of the opposite sex.

[E]

Anyone's.

[A]

This is the fact.

[C]

That story.

[A]

To be honest, it does sound like a woman's story.

[C]

Anybody masturbating to anybody is crazy. Yeah.

[D]

I'm sorry. You think women masturbate to anybody?

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

I mean, girls that were molested by Ms. Susan's something. Andrew, you're touching your face a lot now.

[C]

No, this. Andrew, you look like a freak.

[D]

I know it's not Jay because Jay has standards. He didn't masturbate to just anyone.

[B]

Stop kissing his ass. You stink.

[D]

Josie, I love you.

[A]

I don't just masturbate to anybody.

[D]

Thank you, Jay.

[E]

So great.

[D]

You're such a great guy.

[B]

To be honest, I could see this being Big J's story very easily.

[A]

It could be.

[C]

It's Andrew. I'm sure of it. It's not me for sure.

[A]

I wouldn't be some of that nectarine.

[C]

It'd never be me. I didn't jack up till I was 20.

[B]

Andrew, how old are you?

[C]

I didn't jack up till I was 20.

[E]

I'm 32.

[B]

32 years old.

[C]

You're young.

[D]

What do you mean you didn't jack off till you were 20?

[C]

Well, in my hood, they said it was gay, so I. I didn't do it.

[D]

I do know that about you.

[C]

You do know. Yeah. That's just a real thing down.

[B]

Big J is almost 50 years old, so back then there was only six or seven channels, so I could see. That actually kind of makes sense.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, the UPN turned things around,

[B]

but yeah, for sure.

[C]

Wait, I got a piss. I'll be back. But it's Andrew, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

Oh, well, put.

[B]

Put your. Put your vote in.

[A]

Put your vote in. I think it's Andrew as well.

[C]

It's definitely Andrew.

[E]

He did this.

[D]

I'm torn between Andrew and.

[A]

Get this.

[D]

I'm. I'm torn between Andrew and Lewis. Lewis is also the horniest person I've ever met in my life.

[A]

It's absolutely. Could be Louis and, And.

[B]

And it should be known that Josie's come on the road with me. And I've never tried. Never even.

[A]

Not even because you're constantly masturbating? Everyone on television, anyone. You're out of come.

[B]

No, it's because I'm not going to Tony the Tiger. Jay, that's insane.

[A]

What are you talking about, dude? Her pussy's great. That's crazy. Why would you not? Ladies and gentlemen, it's the joke of the show.

[D]

Oh, man. I was gonna let my dad watch this episode. I can't now.

[A]

Don't have them. Do not have them.

[E]

And Andrew Lewis, why would you say this isn't you?

[B]

I mean, I am a. I. I mean, I. If I would admit that it was me and it was me, that'd be a terrible strategy, first of all. But second of all, yeah, I mean, I am a hornball. I. I did jerk off a lot going through puberty, but I would jerk off to porn. Porn came out when I was going through puberty okay.

[E]

How old is your lo.

[B]

I'm 44.

[E]

Okay. Seems like it would have been less accessible, so.

[B]

No, it wasn't. It was very. Why would you ask me.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Why even talk to me, Andrew, if you're just gonna shut me down and put my name in the slot? You piece of.

[A]

Yes, Let me ask you a question. And we start answering. He goes, I don't give a.

[B]

What.

[D]

You're stupid.

[A]

I'm not gonna talk to you all day.

[B]

Holy black piss for a while.

[A]

Alex, do me a favor. Have G. Mike do a table, drum roll until Naim comes back from dissing

[B]

Alex, who masturbated to anyone on tv.

[F]

Louis J. Gomez.

[D]

Yes,

[B]

it was me.

[A]

Oh, Josie got it right. Lewis must have told her that on one of the shows they did.

[B]

Now, Josie might have read my book. Now I'm And Spoons, where I did go into detail about that. I would go through every channel.

[D]

I didn't.

[B]

I made it a game.

[A]

Hey, I didn't.

[B]

I made it a game where I would flip through the channels. And the game was I had to jerk off to whatever woman was on the tv. And then it was like. It was like roulette. Like, I would keep on jerking off until I finally found one that I would come to, but I would go in order. So if it was a. It was Oprah, I'd be jerking off to Oprah. If it was the news lady, if it was. Whoever was. And I would go through and I would just keep on going until I busted a nut. And I did that for probably two years straight.

[C]

Fuck.

[B]

My mom was a prostitute, as you guys found out.

[A]

I'm so sad for you that a beautiful woman walked by while you told that story. It made me so uncomfortable for you.

[D]

Well, he's the horniest guy I've ever met.

[B]

That is true.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I should have known. I'm sorry, Andrew. You're not a freak. I'm sorry, Andrew.

[A]

I'm sorry. I'm sure you have a great family, and I'm sorry I accused you of that.

[B]

Seven stories that down. Alex, where are our points at?

[F]

All right. In last place with four points, Big J. Okerson. In fourth place with 11 points, Andrew Packer. Tied for second place with 12 points each, Louis J. Gomez and Naim Ali. And in the lead with 21 points, Josie Marcelino.

[B]

Just so you know, it has now become impossible for anyone else to win.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So your newest story, Warrior. We're gonna play the last round.

[A]

Josie kneecapped the show.

[D]

So sorry.

[A]

The rest of us are Sitting here going, why?

[C]

Why?

[A]

For shits and gigs, Right, Josie? It's so exciting. You're going to be getting to read out of the Shadows, which is a practical, recovery oriented book which is meant to help readers understand their disorder and find the path out of it. The book frames recovery as possible, aiming to move people from isolation and compulsion towards honesty, healing, and a fuller life.

[B]

For the hell of it, somebody said, draw some nipples on it. That's pretty good. Now don't you dare, Jay.

[D]

No, go ahead, draw nipples on it.

[B]

Just drew nipples.

[A]

I just drew nipples,

[B]

Alex, for the hell of it. Story number eight.

[F]

Story number eight. I was obsessed with creating mysteries. In high school, I would cut school, break into people's houses while they were at work and rearrange.

[C]

Wow, Lewis. Wow. You hear, break in and it's the first nigga you see. That's nuts. That's crazy.

[F]

I walk into their houses while they're at work and rearrange all of their shit. I'd put the living room furniture in the dining room. I'd take all of their clothes out of their closet and put them in the tub. I wouldn't steal anything. And I'd leave $2 or some candy under their pillow.

[C]

Oh, that's Andrew. He's a freak.

[A]

How are you back on this?

[C]

He's a freak.

[A]

Andrew. Josie.

[C]

Andrew's a freak.

[D]

That's the most Canadian breakin I've ever heard.

[C]

Yeah, bro. What do you mean you. What do you mean you leave candy at $2? Oh, I put the nicest thief ever.

[E]

I gotta find out which one of you guys is acting like some type of fairy here. This is not you.

[C]

It's for sure you. And you got on camouflage like you. You trying to hide and be sneaky, bro?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I put your Tim Hortons mug in the underneath, underneath the sink.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, did you find a looney in your medicine cabinets?

[A]

Did you? Now unal your Nickelback CDs.

[B]

Oh, I poured out onethird of your maple syrup bottle.

[A]

I unknotted all of your Avril Lavine ties. I peed on your Rick Moranis DVD set. I'm almost out. I'm almost out, Rick Moran. I'm almost out.

[B]

I turned the snowshoes on your wall upside down.

[A]

I did. I did.

[C]

Yo, y' all sound like leprechauns. We really do.

[A]

I efficiently whale blubbered your insides of your walls to keep them warm in the winter. Hey, bud. Beaver.

[B]

Oh, I defrosted your car. I did. Without you even knowing it.

[A]

Beaver.

[B]

Andrew.

[C]

Y.

[B]

When I say here's the thing. Right. I'm not 100% positive this is Andrew.

[E]

Who gives a.

[A]

It's over, man. Let's go home.

[B]

I want. Hold on. We do get lifetime points. They keep track of this dude. I want to get my lifetime points. Doggy wait.

[C]

Is lifetime points?

[B]

Yeah. People online, they're obsessed. They have, like, points. They have rankings.

[A]

The guy this week gave me.

[C]

I don't think I brought it home.

[A]

He showed me. He gave me a mockup of a score sheet he keeps in his house. Do the game.

[B]

This guy brought a pad to vote with us every time. Let me see who you voted for this time. Look, Naim.

[C]

Well, you spelled my name wrong as is that.

[B]

You know what it was? Naim. He started to write the N word. Then he realized that he was going to get in trouble.

[A]

Yeah. Is that nigga?

[C]

Yeah, nigm.

[E]

It seems like something that Josie would do.

[C]

I.

[E]

This. This is so elaborate. It's so thought out.

[B]

Breaking into people's houses while they're at work is a really ballsy thing. Jay would not do that. I would do something like this. Right. This is like, for fun. This is the type of. That I would get into. I connect with Naim on this type of.

[A]

Josie learned her lesson because that's the sound of Josie working on the chain. Gay Yang.

[C]

What if I break into somebody house? I'm leaving with something, bro.

[D]

Yeah, you think?

[C]

I'm not leaving with something.

[D]

Name's not leaving goodies behind.

[C]

I'm leaving with something. That's all I'm saying.

[B]

Huh? Lewis is not leaving Andrew.

[C]

It's Andrew. He's a freak. I've been telling y' all that since the game started. He's a freak. Look at him.

[A]

Said it every time. He is a complete free.

[B]

This is a fun prank that you're not really doing anything wrong.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Reminds me of the great d A great Dane cook bit. The b E bit where he would break into people's house and not steal anything. They'd freak out.

[E]

I think it's Josie.

[B]

She's just.

[C]

It's.

[E]

It's giving.

[C]

I think everything's Josie.

[E]

I. It's got to be.

[B]

Although if Josie broke into somebody, you could see her from space.

[A]

She's.

[B]

She's dressed as a. As those lending things for airplanes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Naim or Andrew. Naim or Andrew. Doesn't really matter. I'm going Naim. My first first instinct is Naim Ali, you racist.

[A]

God forbid. Josie, if this is you, you parking cone, I'm gonna get furious.

[C]

She gonna end with 55 points.

[A]

She should bring a fucking record.

[C]

Yeah. What the fuck,

[B]

Alex?

[A]

This is like Kobe's 80 point game.

[F]

Story number eight belongs to Naim Al.

[C]

Yes, that's me. I did it. I did that.

[D]

So you mean Andrew's not a freak?

[C]

No, Andrew's not a freak. I told you guys he's not a freak.

[A]

You did, but then you turned it back and I believed you.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[E]

You all jumped on it.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sorry. He's not a freak. I'm the freak.

[B]

9. You never got caught with any of this?

[C]

I never got caught, bro.

[B]

How many times did you do this, bro?

[C]

At least 27 times. At least 27 times.

[A]

No one had security systems at all?

[C]

No. Fuck no, bro. Well, you got to think this is when I was in like ninth grade. So this is like 2001 or some easy break ins. Easy break ins. Lift up the window.

[B]

Go.

[C]

Go in, drag the couch to the dining room, you know, go upstairs, take the clothes out of their closet, put them in the tub, turn the water on. See what I'm saying?

[A]

And leave stuff.

[C]

And leave stuff, bro. I would leave $2 into the pillow, leave candy on the floor. All types of bro.

[A]

Creating a mystery.

[C]

Yeah. Yep.

[E]

It's hard to report that.

[C]

Yeah. $2, bro.

[B]

One.

[C]

One time I left $4.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. Yo, put that in your pipe.

[B]

Front row guy. Front row guy. You're not on the show right now. This guy, he is trying to be

[A]

a part of this panelistic.

[B]

And front row guy. Why do you have Josie on your hat? That's very strange.

[C]

Thanks.

[B]

A New York Knicks logo.

[D]

Telling everyone I'm a basketball. That's what that is.

[B]

Alex. Final. We know. We already know who won, but give us our final score.

[F]

All right. In last place with four points, Big J Okerson.

[C]

That's a shame.

[F]

In fourth place with 11 points, Andrew Packer.

[E]

Love that first time.

[F]

In third place, with 16 points, points, Luis J. Gomez. In second place with 18 points, tied for the most losses in Story wars history, Naim Ali.

[C]

Why'd you have to say. But why say that, Alex? Why even say that part? You don't have to say that.

[A]

She loves it.

[C]

That's crazy.

[F]

And your winner tonight with 21 points, Josie Marcelino.

[A]

2 and 0. And story wars competition, the Jack off lantern herself, Josie Marcelino, everyone. Story Warrior. Once again, she takes home out of the Shadows, Understanding sexual Addiction by Dr. Patrick Garnes. She's probably gonna loan it to Naim. They're driving home together. How about a round of applause for our amazing panel, Andrew Packer. Naim Ali. One more time for Story warrior Josie Marcelino. Thank you guys for checking out Story Wars. We'll catch you next time. I'm Big J. Okerson.

[B]

I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

Until then, peace.

[G]

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