097. Bert Kreischer, Tim Dillon, Tony Hinchcliffe | Confusion

Summary

Story Warz Episode 097: “Confusion”

Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez vs. Bert Kreischer, Tim Dillon, Tony Hinchcliffe
Live from The Stand Comedy Club, NYC (Netflix is a Joke Fest) | June 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

This riotous episode of Story Warz brings together comedy heavyweights Bert Kreischer, Tim Dillon, and Tony Hinchcliffe to face off against Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez in a game of cunning, bluffing, and hilariously personal storytelling. Played in front of a raucous crowd at The Stand during Netflix's comedy festival, the show revolves around the theme of Confusion—with each panelist submitting sly and frequently embarrassing stories that the others must identify or successfully conceal. The episode is a wild ride of insults, banter, and jaw-dropping anecdotes, ending with a surprise comeback and Bert claiming the coveted title of Story Warrior.

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Game Rules & Structure

• Each panelist submits multiple stories around the theme (“Confusion”).
• Producer Alex reads the stories, and contestants guess who submitted each.
• Fooling contestants earns points; correctly guessing others' stories earns more.
• In the second half, double points amp up the stakes.

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Panel Introduction & Tone Setting (01:17–07:44)

• Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez open, hyping the Netflix crowd and trash-talking a (possibly present) Netflix exec and Hulu.
• Contestants:
  • Tony Hinchcliffe (King of the Main Room) boasts about dominating during double points.
  • Tim Dillon cracks, “So far it’s an all-gay lineup.” (05:04)
  • Bert Kreischer makes a show of his sobriety: “Don’t worry, guys! I only have two months left. We’re good.” (06:14)
• Panel ribbing quickly gets personal and self-deprecating.
  • Bert jokes about needing to stay sober after a blood clot; Jay and Luis mercilessly tease each other about therapy, paranoia, and “shadowboxing speeches.”

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Game Moments

Story #1: Backstage Access by Mistaken Identity (11:02–18:35)

• Story: Mistaken for a rock band member’s cousin, narrator gets backstage.
• Wild speculation, ethnic jokes, and attempts to “analyze the writing”:
  • Tony dryly: “Seems like someone illiterate. Right, kind of disgusting.” (13:19)
• Reveal: It’s Luis’ story (17:02)
  • Luis: “There was like, nobody in the crowd…They were 14, I was 16.” (17:47)
  • Jay: “I just wanted to suck my dick that night.” (18:35)

Story #2: Mistaken Sexual Brag (22:47–32:12)

• Story: Girl claims to sleep with the storyteller—wrong same-name guy.
• Tim: “It’s no one here.” (23:00)
• Panel splits hairs over punctuation and “Lewis” as a common name.
• Reveal: Bert Kreischer’s story (30:43)
  • Bert: “If you want to fuck anyone and use my name, feel free.” (32:12)

Story #3: Returning Ice Cream Cake (33:16–41:46)

• Story: Returns an ice cream cake for being too small.
• Everyone hounds Tim—classic “ice cream cake” logic hammers home.
• Multiple fake-outs; Tim insists, “I would never submit that. It’s too obvious!” (35:02)
• Reveal: Tim Dillon (40:45)
  • Tim: “It was a poor Mexican woman. I said, ‘This doesn’t work.’” (41:18)

Story #4: Acid & Police (43:50–51:00)

• Story: On LSD, tells a cop; cop tells them to go home.
• “This is a white person story, through and through.” –Luis (44:13)
• Bert tries to “own” it; Jay disqualified for never taking LSD.
• Reveal: Luis (49:42)
  • Luis: “I walked around for another 10 hours, tripping on acid, believing life was the same as death.” (51:00)

Story #5: Strip Club Payment False-Alarm (59:17–69:32)

• Story: Stripper yells for not paying, then backtracks when proven wrong.
• Jay’s strip club experience called out (“he doesn’t like confrontation”).
• Tony, in full deadpan, mocks the “overcompensating straight guy” bit. (62:48)
• Reveal: Big Jay (67:09)
  • Jay: “She goes, ‘I don’t suck dick for $20!’…The owner said he took care of me.” (68:21)

Story #6: Roasting a Rapper by Accident (70:32–76:06)

• Story: Insulted “a poor black guy” who turned out to be a famous rapper.
• Jay hinges on an “unnecessary comma” as evidence, then Tony analyzes punctuation defensively (72:56).
• Reveal: Tony Hinchcliffe (73:59)
  • Tony: “I just grilled this poor black guy…everyone in the crowd knew it was ASAP Rocky.” (75:03)
  • Jay (mocking): “Sticky Fingaz rules for that.” (71:53)

Story #7: Oblivious to Friends’ Drug Problems (77:19–85:54)

• Story: Couldn’t tell when anyone was an addict or using drugs.
• Everyone piles on Jay’s real history missing Luis’s coke phase.
  • Jay: “I just thought Lewis had fag bladder. Just thought the guy had to piss all the time.” (84:08)
• Reveal: Big Jay (83:49)
• Luis: “If you’re having sex with Big J, you’re going to remember.” (27:54)

Story #8: Paying a Mentally Disabled Person with Alcohol (88:40–94:07)

• Story: Pays for yard work with booze, sister finds out.
• Everyone points to Bert for “paying in alcohol.”
• Jay: “Bert paid me…with Uncrustables and alcohol. Those two things flow like water with Bert.” (89:33)
• SURPRISE REVEAL: Tim Dillon (92:07)
  • Tim: “He loved booze…his sister goes, why is he drunk?” (93:24)
• Bert follows with his “parallel” version about paying his own yard guy.

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Notable Quotes & Classic Moments

• Jay: “If I approach a police officer, before I open my mouth they shoot me in the chest.” (44:13)
• Bert (re: sobriety): “I only have two months left.” (06:14)
• Tim (about the points): “It’s obviously me, so why would I submit it?” (35:02)
• Tony (roasting ASAP Rocky): “Look at you with your tinfoil ass grill, you broke piece of…” (75:03)
• Luis (on returning ice cream cake): “I have to overcompensate for my son who doesn’t know any better.” (37:07)
• Jay (on why he missed drug cues): “They wink at the other one…just going to a hotel…every time they come back, are you guys all done getting whatever you keep forgetting?” (85:17)
• Bert (about Tim’s story): “This is a story I also lived and didn’t write down. I do Give my yard guys booze. Porosos.” (93:36)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Start of Game & Contestant Intros: 01:17–07:44
• Explaining the Rules: 07:10–09:01, 54:08 (double points; second half explained)
• Story #1: 11:02–18:35
• Story #2: 22:47–32:12
• Story #3: 33:16–41:46
• Story #4: 43:50–51:00
• Story #5: 59:17–69:32
• Story #6: 70:32–76:06
• Story #7: 77:19–85:54
• Story #8 (Final Story, Game Decider): 88:40–94:07
• Winner Reveal & Wrap Up: 94:22–96:44

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Final Scores & Game Outcome (94:22–96:44)

Winner:

• Bert Kreischer with 20 points—clinches victory by outplaying on the final, closely contested rounds.

Runner-up:

• Luis J. Gomez (19 pts)
• Big Jay (14 pts), Tim Dillon (11 pts), Tony Hinchcliffe (10 pts)

Winning Prize:

• Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit (“Now you have the ability to trigger the most fun thing in comedy.”)

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Episode Vibes and Tone

Brash, filthy camaraderie dominates, with every panelist gleefully skewered for their personal quirks (substance issues, sexual bravado, classless returns at bakeries, etc.). There’s a continuous parade of meta-jokes about story construction (“That comma doesn’t belong there!”), failed bluffing, and the ceaseless one-upsmanship that defines these comics’ on-and-offstage personas. Even as stories are “debunked,” the escalation of stories told and retold creates a living, breathing tapestry of shared humiliation and hard-won wisdom.

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For New Listeners

Even if you’ve never watched Story Warz, this episode encapsulates its deceptive, anything-goes spirit: the goal isn’t just to win, but to outwit and out-roast the competition, all while mining a lifetime’s worth of confusion for big, brash laughs.

Essential moments include:

• The “rock band cousin” caper (Luis)
• Bert’s mistaken-sex scandal among same-named Berts
• Tim returning the too-small ice cream cake (then denying it for 5 minutes)
• Tony roasting ASAP Rocky without realizing it
• Big Jay’s polite panic after being accused in the strip club
• Tim’s dark “yardwork” twist endgame

Final sentiment:
Wickedly funny, often deeply un-PC, this episode is a crash course in comedic storytelling and deception—with all the chaos you’d expect from this crew.

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Available on GaS Digital Network
Listen for the full, uncensored experience & even more outlandish banter!

Transcript

[A]

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What's up, guys? Big JJ. Check out bigjcomedy.com for tickets to all my dates. I'm all over the place, everybody. Got some theaters coming up. The Pantages Theater this Friday in Minneapolis. After that, the Egyptian Theater in Boise, Idaho on Saturday. Buffalo, New York. Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Never, Never Ends. The Greatest Yapper Live tour happening now in a city near you.

[A]

And come see me on the road this weekend. I'll be in Rosemont, Illinois. Sunday, the 14th of June. I'll be in Chicago right after that. I Got La Jolla, California coming up. Baltimore, Maryland, Lafayette, Louisiana and Lake Charles, Louisiana. Coastal to my website, LewisofSkanks.com to grab tickets for the Rattle Me this tour. All right, let's start the show.

[C]

Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[D]

Ladies and gentlemen, live from los angeles, netflix is a jones fest.

[A]

It's story wars with the story warriors, big j okerson and lewis j.

[B]

Holy, what is up, Los Angeles? Netflix is a joke festival. Please make some noise in here, let them know you're alive.

[A]

Los Angeles.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

That could be louder, right? Is that good? Turn it the fuck up. They need to hear the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. Los Angeles, how are you guys feeling tonight?

[B]

We always. We gotta ask every crowd. I feel like this is a dumb question, but how many people here unfamiliar with the or are familiar with the game Story Wars.

[A]

And who is not familiar with the game Story War?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Fuck you, buddy. Fuck you. That's a Netflix executive. Fuck you, asshole. Suck my dick, Hulu. All day. We are hilarious.

[B]

We are hilarious. If you're unfamiliar with the game or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. We'll explain after we get our amazing panel of contestants up on this stage. Your first contestant with a record of 1 in 3 on Story wars, you probably know him from Kill Tony. Make some noise for the hilarious Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliff back at home, the king

[A]

of the main room here in Los Angeles. How does it feel about it?

[C]

Finally,

[D]

the Golden Pony has come back to Los Angeles. Love it. The fuck is up. Viva la raza. I'm back.

[E]

Back.

[A]

Tony, you are a former story warrior, which is a Very exclusive group of people. How do you feel about tonight's pro chances?

[D]

Thing is, I'm going to study my opponents early on and then when we get to my favorite part of the show, I'm going to dominate. It's a little part called double points.

[A]

Our second competitor coming to the stage with a record of 01 in story wars history. You might know him from a little show called the Tim Dillon Show. Put your hands together for Tim Dylan.

[F]

So far, it's an all gay lineup.

[B]

Well, Tim, buckle on your nuts, my friend. Because last but not least, our final contestant of the evening with a record of 01 on Story wars from Burqast from Two Bears, one cave from Something's Burning from Free Bert on Netflix, Bert Kreischer in the house.

[A]

And somehow the panel got gayer. Bert, you're back on the show. We're so happy to have you here.

[B]

You look great.

[A]

You're all jacked.

[C]

Yeah. Thank you.

[A]

Hell yeah. Bert is sober and he's never played the game sober, so maybe that's part of your strategy tonight.

[C]

I'm much better sober, I think.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

I. I listen more since my therapist.

[A]

Look, they're booing you.

[B]

They don't like it.

[C]

Don't worry, guys. I only have two months of sobriety left. We're good.

[B]

Aren't fans great? I have to be sober. Fuck you, pussy.

[C]

Well, you should have heard my response to the doctor. Doctor said, you have to be sober for six months. And I went in a row. And then. And then, I swear to God, my first words when the doctor said it was January 11, that she said, I had a blood clot and I couldn't drink. I'm such a meathead. I said, what about the Super Bowl?

[B]

She said, you already had your Super Bowl. January 6th. Not a big insurrection. Audience.

[A]

Okay, Jay just leaned into me and whispered. He was like, these are all like the nice skanks fans, but they love

[B]

a chance still, which I appreciate. If it is your first time watching at home or your first time here at Story wars is a very simple game. All five of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Louis Confusion. Alex, our lovely producer over there is going to read eight of those stories one at a time in random order, and they will appear here on the screen and on your tablet. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[A]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story on that screen, you have an opportunity.

[D]

Jesus Christ. Get the show going. Oh, my God. You want to take this thing to another level, you got to get to it.

[A]

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony,

[B]

Tony, you must not feel.

[D]

I feel like a man sucking my cock right now. That's how good I feel.

[B]

Tony, I want you to. I think something you don't know is that Louis has been panicking about his part of the speech in the back for the last half hour. Yeah, he was coming and practicing it

[A]

for me in the mirror while I shadow box. Now you've thrown me off completely, you piece of shit. If I interrupted somebody I killed Tony, he would have me shot in the head at the mothership in front of everybody.

[B]

There's a full staff of guys. Or to shoot you in the head

[A]

for that reason, there'd be a red laser dot on my forehead. And I get shot in the fucking head with a bow and arrow by Joe Rogan for interrupting a kill Tony speech. You piece of shit.

[B]

I always feel like. I feel like Rogan. I feel like Rogan always has an arrow trained on you while you're on stage waiting for you to give him an excuse.

[A]

Give me the excuse. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story of an opportunity to get four points, that is a huge opportunity. When it's your story, do not waste it. Once you put your answer in the tablet and lock it in and put your tablet right here, that is it. You cannot change your answer. Everyone's excited about the tablets. Look.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

I did it. I did it. Tablets. And I'll tell you right now, listen to me. You, sir, the guy who's never been here before, this is gonna be so much fun, you fucking piece of shit. You're gonna have more fun than you've ever had in your entire life. But you know what, sir? We're not playing for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today.

[B]

Every week here on Story Awards, we're playing for a book from the Story Awards library. Tonight's winner takes home Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Sol. Men explain things to me As a feminist take on how men often just assume they know more than women in conversations, Rebecca Solnit uses real examples to show how this dynamic shapes who gets heard and who's ignored. Lena Dunham called the book of essays the most clarifying, soothing, and socially aware document I've read on the topic this year. That's coming from famed fatso Lena Dunham.

[A]

Security, remove this guy right now. I will not be bullied by Shane Gillis when he's not even in the

[B]

room he sent him. I think everybody who's gonna get it gets it.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

If you don't, you're gonna pick it up as we play along. So I guess is this crowd ready for war?

[D]

Los Angeles.

[A]

Netflix is a joke festival. Are you ready for war.

[B]

Then? Alex, would you please? Story number one.

[E]

Story number one. I was once confused with the cousin of a person in a rock band, which allowed me backstage access to a show.

[B]

This could be Louis. I do look like a cousin of people in rock bands, but I feel like the only two people brazen enough for this are Bert or Lewis. It sounds like a very Bert or Lewis. I wouldn't do. I would be panic that I. That the fucking jig would be up any second.

[A]

Yeah, but you love rock bands. You love fucking being confused.

[F]

I think. I think we could all safely say it's Louis now.

[A]

Big J. You love rock shows. You go to rock shows. This is kind of big part of your identity. Yeah. And in all honesty, I also wouldn't give a shit about going backstage. That's like a big deal for you to be about rock stars because you are a climber.

[B]

Dude, you're pushing this on me so hard. It's 100% you now.

[C]

Yeah. I'm thinking it's the basis from Metallica, and they're like, oh, hola, como salis backstage. And Louis was like, oh, primo.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I forgot that guy's a Mexican like you. They probably would have thought for sure. Louis J. Trujillo.

[C]

It's definitely not Tim. Yeah, 100% not Tim.

[F]

It's not me.

[A]

Yeah. Nobody. Yeah. Nobody's confusing Tim for anybody.

[F]

I get confused with a lot of dead comedians.

[C]

Patrice.

[F]

But

[A]

Tim looks like Patrice in whiteface.

[F]

This is not. It's not me. I don't think it's Tony.

[C]

It's not Tony. Tony doesn't go to see rock shows.

[D]

No. I go see Broadway musicals.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But also confused with the cousin of a person in a rock band. So it's like not the person in the band.

[F]

Right.

[B]

It's something.

[F]

Which is a weird thing. Anyway. There's like, a strange.

[B]

I feel like Tony would enjoy backstage access to a show.

[A]

He shows backstage access. I know that.

[D]

I Mean, it does. You do gotta kind of look at who would write this like this. Right. Like, it seems like someone illiterate. Right. Kind of disgusting.

[F]

Yes. Not. The schools weren't good. Maybe the mom wasn't checking the homework because she was on heroin.

[B]

Yeah. The junk will stop you from mothering sometimes.

[C]

Yeah. And Jay wouldn't be confused for a cousin. He'd be confused that he works as a roadie.

[B]

Right? Yes.

[C]

They'd be like, hey, man, you can't come back here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'll go, no, that's Gus's kid. And I'm like, yeah. Hey.

[F]

And it's also somebody who. If they're like, oh, you're the cousin of whoever, they go, yeah, yeah. Like, someone's gotta just roll.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I would be like, yeah. No, I'm sorry. You have me. Like I said, I wouldn't. Like, I wouldn't take the Stolen Valor because I'd be afraid I'm gonna get caught on that.

[C]

At the worst time, Jay started this conversation off blaming Lewis. I don't know. It's like, that's the Christie. Or it's probably me.

[B]

That's a good play if it is.

[A]

All right, I'm putting my answer in as Tony Hinchcliffe. Final answer. I'm getting the voting going.

[D]

Oh, that does make sense, man.

[B]

Last year.

[C]

Can I watch what everyone else votes for before I vote?

[A]

Yeah. There's no rules here.

[C]

Okay, Jay, who are you voting for?

[B]

I feel like Lewis convinced me to Tony somehow.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But if that got me off of Louis, it's gonna make me so upset.

[C]

Fuck.

[A]

I think it's a good move.

[B]

Who did you put?

[A]

I put Tony.

[D]

He's locked in on Tony.

[A]

Look, people are very.

[C]

Tony does have cousin energy,

[B]

And he could be, like, a cousin of, like, a Weezer guy or something like that.

[C]

I give off uncle energy. Tim gives off uncle energy. Tony's got cousin energy.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

Or Lewis, because ethnics are all cousins.

[A]

God damn it.

[C]

It's got. It's only one band that's got a Latino basis.

[F]

Yeah, Most. Most rock bands are white.

[C]

Yeah. It's white people.

[F]

So somebody who would be a cousin would be white kind of. Right? I mean, if you think about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Most likely is a white person.

[B]

Oh, I'm locking in Tony. I did it.

[A]

Well, DJ locks in Tony Hinchcliffe.

[D]

I could understand why you guys are doing what you're doing, but again, I'm at how this is written. Again, just an illiterate dumb. I'm locking in Lis J. Gomez.

[C]

Everybody could be.

[B]

Would you allow.

[A]

You have to lock it in, Tony.

[B]

Oh, that could be a strong play.

[C]

Backstage, access to the show.

[A]

Tony votes for me.

[C]

Is our. Is our name supposed to.

[A]

You slide it over to lock it in.

[C]

All right, guys, I'm picking Metallica.

[A]

No, you're an idiot, Bird. Tony's fooling everybody. Look at his face.

[D]

It's the same face I always have. Look at the poker player.

[A]

Rock bands are white.

[C]

Stop saying that like Chapel Run.

[F]

I'm gonna say Lewis, God damn it.

[C]

Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it.

[D]

Me and you.

[A]

Hand turkey.

[B]

Why are you hand turkeying me? Now it is you. Did you just hand turkey me to make me feel good before you fucking.

[A]

Alex. All of our answers are in one story down. A little bit of technical difficulties, but it's okay. We got there.

[E]

Sorry about that. Story number one belongs to Lewis.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Go bass. I fucking knew it when I saw that comma after Rock Band. That doesn't belong there. There should be no comma there whatsoever. I've been writing all week.

[A]

Sometimes I just throw a comma. And I was like, just in case, right?

[C]

He wrote it originally with the word got instead of allowed, which got me back. And he was like, allowed, allowed, allowed.

[A]

Sometimes if a sentence goes on too many words, I throw in two commas. You. So you don't know. Yeah, this was years ago. I was a teenager, and it was a Kitty concert. I don't know if you guys remember the. The all Female Teenage metal band.

[B]

I just saw them last weekend.

[A]

You saw them last weekend?

[B]

Two weekends ago.

[A]

So they were playing at Irving Plaza, and I had met Kitty in Albany like, a year before, and we, like, hung out. There was, like, nobody in the crowd. There was, like, 10 people, and we, like, hung out that night. And they were, like, flirty and cool. We thought we were so awesome.

[C]

They were 14.

[A]

They were 14 years old. I was maybe. I was 16, right? So. So then we got. We go to Irving Plaza. We're in the front row, like, jamming out, and then I see the bassist looks at me. She's like, oh, you. And I was like, oh, she remembers me. Oh, shit. And then she's like, come on. Come on. And me and my buddy go back. She invites us backstage, and then literally we're standing there for a minute, and she's like, wait a minute. And then she was like, oh, I thought you were the cousin of one of the guys in Slipknot. And I was like, oh. Oh, well, I'm not. Don't you remember you from Albany? She's like, no. And then we just awkwardly stood in the green room for the entire night.

[B]

Yeah, you guys wanted to suck my dick that one night.

[A]

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

[E]

All right. In last place with 0 points, big J. Okerson.

[B]

It's all right. It's all right. It's early. It's early.

[E]

In fourth place with one point, Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

Thank you, Jay.

[E]

And tied for first place with two points each, Tony Hinchcliffe, Tim Dillon, and Bert Kreischer.

[D]

Wait, I don't get points for them guessing me wrong? I feel like I should get points

[A]

for that, but okay, Tony, I explained the rules before the show.

[D]

I'm just too busy making cat noises.

[B]

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[A]

You talk to a doctor on the phone, you do a little survey right there and then. Right. You just go right on your cell phone, send it to you in discreet packaging. You don't have to have a weird conversation. Look, we're getting older. I'm 44 years old. I need a little help in the bedroom. You know, maybe you've been with your the same chick for the past 20 years. It ain't working the same as it used to. Let's get real, folks, okay? Right now. Get it done online. Get it done.

[B]

Ugly.

[C]

Now.

[A]

She's still beautiful deep down. It's, you know, it's the woman you married, but, you know, look, it's the woman you married.

[B]

It's the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life. You devote your life to her, but that's not what you saw happening when you. When you fell in love.

[A]

It's not as good as you thought it was going to be. Let's get real. They also have hair loss, weight loss, and other options as well. Just go to hims.com warswithaz that's hims h I m s.com warzwithazzi to get a free online visit today. Prescription is required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildenafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Beatrice Specialty, llc. HIMSS is not affiliated with or endorsed by Viatris. Take a moment right now and go to bodybraincoffee.com, body Brain Coffee, the company that I started about a year ago, taking the world by storm. Genuine, real incredible coffee blended with the tropics and adaptogens that are gonna make you feel like you're the best version of yourself. If you've ever drank a functional coffee. A lot of them taste like crap. We all know this. I'm not gonna name any names, but if you. You've tried some of the competitors, they don't taste good. This is real coffee. Our main premium ingredient is coffee, and it's blended with tonka a la lion's mane, ashwagandha, and ltheni. There's five ingredients. That's it. It's in.

[B]

No, that's not true. There's six ingredients. You're forgetting one.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Love.

[A]

Love and care. You're right. Both seven. Love and care. Love and a little bit of piss.

[B]

Love, some dryness.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Love and dry conflicts.

[A]

All right, none of that's in there.

[B]

You can put that stuff in there

[A]

if you'd like to. If you're a freak. If you're a freak like Jay. The ingredients have been linked to testosterone. Support overall mood, brain function, memory. I mean, genuinely complete cup. Focus on both your body and your mind. You can drink it hot, you can drink it cold. Put it in a protein shake, which is my favorite way to drink it. And literally, how I'm about to go do it right now. Just go to bodybraincoffee.com, use the promo code WAR20.WAR20 to save 20% off today. Give it a try. Subscribe. If you subscribe, you save 20%, and we're gonna give you a free shipping for life, which is pretty incred. So once again, bodybraincoffee.com War20 is the promo code. All right, where were we? Alex? Story number two.

[E]

Story number two. One time, a girl confused me with a guy with the same first name and told people she was having sex with me, but it was the other guy.

[F]

It's no one here.

[B]

Well, I'll say it's no one there.

[F]

I mean, it's. It's, like, obvious that it's no one here.

[B]

So all I'm saying is no girls ever fuck. Two Berts, Two Burts.

[A]

Tim, you've had sex with women, though? A couple times.

[F]

It says, one time a girl confused me with the guy.

[D]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[F]

Do that again.

[C]

What type of a girl.

[D]

What type of girl confused me with

[F]

the guy with the same first name and told people she was having sex with me, but it was the other guy? That's like a lot of. That's very complicated.

[A]

Yeah. And you know what? I don't think that, comma is necessary after me, to be honest.

[B]

So it's probably pieces of sucker.

[F]

The guy with the same first name. What's a common. Well, everybody has common first names.

[B]

Luis is the Joe of Mexico.

[F]

Right, Right.

[A]

Jose is the Joe of Mexico.

[C]

Jay. And Jay is a pretty common name. Sure.

[A]

Tony is a wildly common name.

[D]

Let me just say. Let me take a moment here because there's something none of you know. Right? You guys don't have screens, do you? So let me read it one more time for you from my perspective. One time, a girl confused me with a guy with the same first name and told people she was having sex with me, comma, but it was the other guy.

[F]

This sounds you slug. Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

If you guys don't know, it can be. You can get two stories in a row, three stories in a row. You can have zero stories. It is all. All randomly pulled, so we don't actually.

[F]

This does sound like a chapter from your book.

[B]

It does, it does, it does.

[F]

It does sound like a chapter. Yeah.

[C]

Spoons, comma and knives. You're like the eighth grade girl that learned about the semicolon and put it everywhere.

[A]

I. I've never used a semicolon correctly in my life. What is it even for?

[C]

Is. It's. I don't know. I was gonna do a colonoscopy joke, but I.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, look, slaps of Louis. You think it's slaps of me?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is 100% Louis, guys.

[A]

And I mean this. You're about to give somebody a wild amount of points if you all vote

[B]

for it don't matter. I have none anyway.

[C]

You are. You're. I can't believe you're that this bad of a liar. I watched you lie the first time and I'm watching you lie.

[F]

But here's the thing. There's not a lot of. Lewis is not as common a name as you would think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How many. How many Lewis's are in the room? One. One woman.

[C]

Lewis.

[A]

She's hammered, dude. Louise.

[B]

Louise. You're right.

[C]

Maybe. But in your culture, Lewis is very popular.

[A]

Very, very common. There's a lot of Mexicans here.

[C]

Indigenous. If you're hunting indigenous, you understand it's Luis, but it's.

[B]

It says Louis. And Lewis is very common.

[A]

Tony and Jay are the most common names on the panel. Tim does not have sex with women. It's either Jay or Tony. Let's cut the bullshit.

[D]

Let me just say that this thing has nothing to do with having sex with a woman. You're not reading it correctly.

[B]

I don't fully understand it now.

[D]

I actually think it might not.

[F]

By the way, I've read it five times. I still don't know what it is.

[B]

Yeah. One time, a girl confused me with a guy with the same first name and told people she's having sex with me.

[F]

It's not.

[A]

It's not me. But number one, it's also not a story. It's not a story.

[F]

It's not a story.

[B]

It was the other guy.

[F]

Quiz.

[C]

All right, I'm voting to throw you off, Tony.

[A]

Tony is my vote. Once again, Tony Hinchcliff trying to convince everyone that he's had sex with women. I know what your game is.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[D]

That's right. That's right. I like points, so I'm going for the win. And I'm going to be honest with you. There's been one person who's been particularly quiet on this one, and I love. I'm going with Big J Okerson. There's a lot of Js. J this, Jay that.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

But there's no way a woman's gonna forget the fingerless gloves and the wallet chain. You're gonna know exactly who you're having sex with. If you're having sex with Big J Okerson.

[B]

Big J Okerson? The short Asian fella? No, that's so many different.

[F]

Different.

[D]

I'm guess. I'm guessing Jay flips the lights off before banging.

[B]

Yeah. So you don't see me in my tank top.

[A]

Anyway, Jay has sex like. Jay has sex like fat teenagers swim in a public pool.

[B]

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I dress for sex. Like, I'm gonna wrestle you boxer briefs in a tank top. Comes in like a singlet, like Rick Steiner.

[A]

What are you thinking?

[B]

I'm thinking Tony, you. But if it's you, you guys waste

[D]

your votes on me again. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. These people.

[C]

Can I lock it in?

[A]

You can lock it in, yeah.

[B]

Lock it in whenever you like. Yeah.

[D]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Two votes for Tony, one vote for Big J. Bert looking very confused.

[C]

Ironically, I'm watching Tim. Why? Thank you very much.

[A]

You know, guys, we got to move on with this round.

[D]

Yeah, no, it's good.

[B]

These guys are playing I like the silent assassination.

[C]

Big J. Yeah. I'm voting Big J.

[A]

Why are you voting Big J, Bert?

[C]

Because Jay is more common than there's Jason, there's Jay, there's Jay. It's just more common than Luis. Jay threw me off the fucking. Jay threw me off. When. When he was like, there's not a lot of Lewis's. Especially like.

[F]

Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of Lewis's either.

[B]

Really? I work in a studio every day with two Lewises.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And in New York, I feel like

[B]

it's more in two of my broadcasts. I work with three people named Lewis.

[D]

Let me tell you at the end of this, if it's not Big J, if it. I'll be fine if it's anybody. But if it's Lewis, I'm gonna be so pissed because of that. Like, it's right there. It doesn't make any sense.

[F]

It does.

[D]

Two stories in a row. There's a comma. Guys, you would never put a comment.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna break a tablet if it's you. I'm gonna break the tablet like I used to break my video game system.

[F]

I gotta. I gotta. God. I. I want to say Lewis.

[D]

If I grabbed that screen and turned it around and showed you, you would all start a Lewis.

[F]

I'm going. I'm going on the name alone. Big J. Wow. Wow.

[A]

Lots of votes for.

[B]

Oh, he's so happy.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Oh, me.

[A]

Too late. It's already locked in.

[D]

It was Lewis.

[A]

Tony.

[D]

It's Lewis, isn't it?

[A]

Oh, if it's burnt, I'm gonna punch air.

[C]

Alex.

[A]

Oh, it's working. Alex, whose story was it?

[E]

Story number two belongs to Bert Kreischer.

[A]

You guys are forgetting that Burt is the original illiterate idiot. He was doing it before I was doing it.

[C]

Two Burts, dude. A girl in my English class in college came up from to me, two birds, one slut. She said to me, are you going to see Obie today?

[B]

And I went, I am.

[C]

And she goes, well, let him know I'm Bert Kreischer. And I went, you are? And she goes, oh, yeah, and he's got a girlfriend. And I went, he does. She goes, yeah, are you going to the KA Function? And I went, what? She goes, yeah, but because, you know, Bert's a ka. And I went, no, Bert's an ato. I'm Bert. Kreischer. She goes, no, you're Bert Bagley. And I said, I am. And she goes, yeah, I'm fucking Bert Kreischer. And she left. And I went up to Burt Bagley, and I was like, hey, man, are you fucking a chick? And using my name? He's like, yeah, don't tell anyone. I was like, dude. And he goes, oh, by the way, if you want to fuck anyone and use my name, feel free. He spelled it with a u, too.

[A]

Wow, that's a good one, Alex. Two stories down, where our points at. Bert pulls ahead nice and hard.

[E]

All right. In Last place with 0 points, Big J Okerson.

[A]

It's early.

[E]

In fourth place with one point, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

I'm number one.

[E]

Tied for second place with two points each, Tony Hinchcliffe and Tim Dillon. And in first place with six points, Bert Kreischer.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Bert pulls the head hard early in the game. Very early in the game.

[F]

Very early.

[B]

Alex, I'm getting my dick kicked in.

[A]

All right, you're good, Jay. We're keeping this book. Alex. Story number three.

[E]

Story number three. I once returned an ice cream cake because it was smaller than it looked.

[A]

I mean, come on. This is as Tim Dillon as it comes.

[F]

That's absolutely not true. Here's the thing. No, by. By the way, give me all the.

[A]

Give me the.

[F]

Whatever. Give me the points. I. I don't have a family. Why would I buy an ice cream cake? It's somebody with a family, Tim.

[B]

I'm pretty sure.

[F]

Somebody with a family.

[C]

I'm pretty sure.

[B]

One of your houses.

[A]

I would never return.

[F]

I would never return.

[C]

Hold on, hold on. The ice cream cake was created blocks from where he grew up. Cookie puss.

[B]

That is where I will say, Tim, I went to one of. One of your houses once, and you got it strategically. You purchase a house near a Carvel

[F]

that was.

[A]

I've had ice cream cake at one of your parties.

[F]

Well, that's. Yeah, but that's. Human beings do that.

[B]

Fudgy the whale. You have company.

[F]

I'm sorry. We weren't serving fentanyl like your mother.

[B]

Oh, it's getting bloody in here.

[A]

Oh, my God, it's getting bloody. Oh, boy. There we go. The lovely Seraphina. Bert, I'll sell you her for $100,000.

[C]

I'll take her case. She read and write.

[F]

This is. This is.

[A]

This must be your story. How is this not your story? Convince me that this is not you.

[F]

Well, it's. It's very obvious that it would be me, so why Would I even submit it?

[C]

I know there's. There's a part of me that thinks this is a great Tony.

[F]

Mr. X. Genuinely. Genuinely. I would not submit that for every reason that you mentioned. Yeah, legitimately.

[A]

That's actually the most logical thing that I've heard here. It's such an obvious Tim story that

[F]

maybe it's not a thousand percent. Obviously, I would not submit it.

[A]

Big J. I don't know if Big J is an ice cream cake guy.

[B]

I like ice cream cake.

[F]

What am I.

[B]

Who am I lying to? It's not my. It's not my jam. I just had to lie. But if I did get an ice. A small ice cream ice cream cake, I would be like, that's God telling

[F]

me it's somebody that probably has a family that goes, this is not going to feed the family. So they returned it.

[D]

I mean, like, I'm kind of confused, to be honest with you. Like, why? What do they mean by smaller than it looked like?

[F]

It's.

[D]

What do you think that.

[A]

I'm assuming they thought it was going to be a larger ice cream cake.

[F]

I would never get the wrong ice cream cake.

[A]

That's true.

[D]

Then it looked online.

[C]

This could also be.

[B]

This could be Bert also, after the

[A]

words ice cream cake, there could be a comma. There's not, but I'd put one there.

[F]

It would have been I, comma. Once returned an ice cream cake,

[C]

I would have just bought two ice cream cakes. If it was me. I don't return things. I never send food back. I never. I would have bought two ice cream cakes.

[D]

It's neat.

[C]

And Jay would have said, I'm too embarrassed to go back and return this. It needs to be the kind of person that's got a little thorn in their side that maybe wants to rant and rave. I go, tim Dillon, wow.

[F]

Well, it's on the obvious choice, but it's somebody who has a family who bought something and said, shit, it's not gonna feed them, got in the car and then went back in.

[A]

It's not me, but what are you thinking, Tony? Tony's being a little silent over here.

[D]

I mean, you know, you're a single father. It seems like an ice cream cake would be something nice you could do to overcompensate for your son who doesn't know any better. You know what I mean? Like a really special thing. Like, you've never even had anything this delicious, son. This is special. And you're like, this is up. Like, I could kind of see you having, like, you know, Your little, you know, fenced in yard in New Jersey and you being like, this sucks. This ice cream cake sucks. I'm going to go get a real cake. I can see you like getting mad about it and doing.

[B]

I don't know if Lewis is a big returns guy.

[D]

Yeah. I would just say. Right.

[C]

By the way, what a sad visual. Just Lewis and his son sharing an ice cream cake.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

For his son's birthday. And his son goes, I thought it would be bigger. And he's like, I know.

[B]

And he goes, that's what your mother said. Yeah.

[C]

Are you gonna eat your half, dad? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I miss mom. Me too, son.

[F]

I don't think it's Louis either.

[A]

No, I don't think it's Louis.

[B]

Yeah. Again, the return for me is the thing. I'm so quick to just keep a thing forever that I hate because I'm like, I don't want to go back.

[C]

It's not me, it's not Jay, it's not Lewis. It's either Tim or Tony. Now Tony is smart enough to give us the Agatha Christie like switch where we think it would. We all go. It's got to be Tim.

[F]

I know more about ice cream cake than anyone here. I would never buy the wrong one.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

I would never walk in. I would never walk in and go, oh, which one do I need?

[B]

Also this could be Tony playing for the was the fifth time now playing a high level game here because really it sounds by getting upset with an ice cream cake being too small. Is anybody else on this panel except Tony's like, he's the smallest by far in a sea of fat dudes.

[F]

I still go Bert. I still go Bert because Bert has children and a wife. I go bird, you know.

[B]

Well, Tim, that was a pretty slick move, my man. But that just drove me right into your garage.

[C]

Yep. Hey, Jay. Jay. I agree with you a hundred percent. Locking in Tim.

[A]

I mean, my instinct says Tim Lock going to but there's something about his face right now that's making me believe him.

[F]

It's not. I'm telling you right now. I would not submit that because it's obviously me.

[A]

I have to go with my instinct. Tim. I'm sorry if it's not. If it's not you. Whoever played this game played it perfectly. But my answer is Tim Dylan.

[D]

I think we've been looking at it all wrong. Now that I think about it. We've been picturing a birthday cake, a family oriented event. But maybe, just maybe Lewis got a cake. Maybe this was a funeral cake. When his father died. And perhaps he wanted to stab. He wanted to cut the cake just like his dad was cut with a knife. I'm going.

[A]

Still going burn.

[F]

I'm still going burn.

[D]

I'm sorry, Louis. I'm in full roast mode right now. God, this is a tough one.

[A]

If you don't vote for me after all of that, that's just hurtful. There was no reason for that because I all that. His parents are dead, him burnt.

[B]

Just wanted to remind you that you have no paternal love in your life. Your thoughts?

[D]

All right, you know, I'm going for points here. I'm going for the win. I don't think anybody has big J. Right? Does somebody else have big J? I'm going Big J. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a believer.

[A]

Tony Hans votes for.

[D]

I need the points.

[A]

All the ransors are in for story number three. Alex, whose story is story number three.

[E]

Story number three belongs to Tim Dillon.

[A]

I mean, how could it be anybody else?

[F]

What are we talking about? I mean, how do you lose that? How do you lose that? That's insane to lose that. It was a poor Mexican woman. I said, I thought it was a different size. This doesn't work.

[C]

I thought it was a different size.

[B]

This doesn't work.

[F]

That's exactly what I said.

[B]

I go, it doesn't work.

[C]

She goes, how many people are you trying to feed? He goes, like woollocks Wo. Lots. It's just me and nine of my friends.

[A]

Did you. Did you end up getting a larger cake?

[F]

Yeah, I got the right cake.

[B]

I got the correct cake right for the situation.

[D]

Did you wait there? Like, how long was the wait for the bigger cake?

[F]

No, she went. She took it. She immediately turned around, picked up the bigger one and just. And gave it to me.

[D]

There was a big one.

[C]

Got it.

[A]

Yeah. It was pretty obvious the whole time.

[F]

Very obvious. I can't believe how long we spent on.

[A]

We spent a lot of time.

[D]

You're a good li hour. You're a good liar.

[F]

I thought I had you with the hole. It was so obvious.

[A]

No, I know you did. By the way, you're. I remember the last time we played. Tim is a very good liar.

[D]

Yeah, the way. The way he was saying. I would never do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I would never submit that. That's too obvious to me. Very convincing.

[A]

Three stories down. Alex, where are our points?

[E]

All right. Tied for fourth place with two points each. Big J Okerson and Tony Hinchcliffe.

[D]

You know, I love being a bottom.

[E]

Tied for second place with three points each. Louis J. Gomez and Tim Dillon. And in first place, with eight points, Bert Kreischer.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This feels good. Thank you. Yeah.

[B]

Bert, you are so close to being able to read Men Explain Things to Me, which addresses mansplaining, covering how sometimes men speak over women in ways that shut their voices. The author argues that the despite their natural inclinations, men should refrain from interrupting women as it diminishes their credibility and makes their contributions easier to dismiss.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

We do that. I will say we do that a lot. We do do that, but, ladies, how about you speak the fuck up?

[B]

Lena Dunham said, it was a revelation. She's a pig.

[A]

Three stories down, Alex. Story number four.

[E]

Story number four. While tripping on acid, I approached a police officer. I told him exactly what I had done. He looked confused and told me to go home.

[A]

If I. If I approach a police officer before I open my mouth, they shoot me in the chest. This is a white person story through and through.

[C]

A hundred percent.

[A]

Lewis.

[F]

It's not Louis.

[B]

It could be Louis. It's not me because I only took LSD once when Ari made.

[C]

Oh, yeah. It's not you. It's not you. I watched that live.

[B]

And he said, dosed me.

[C]

I've never done LSD before. Why did you guys do this?

[A]

This is true. Bert Kreischer watches all of Ari's dosings very closely.

[C]

Very closely, Very closely.

[B]

You gotta see if the wind blows it back your direction.

[A]

Yeah. So, I mean, Tim, you were a big drug guy back in the day.

[F]

I was, but I wasn't a rat. I don't talk to the cops. No, I never did that.

[A]

That never did lsd.

[F]

No. I never went up to a cop and said, hey, I'm on lsd.

[A]

You're supposed to say that. Yeah, well, of course, Bert, you've done a lot of LSD in your day.

[C]

Not a lot.

[B]

This does seem like an on campus thing.

[C]

This seems like a me story. I'm not gonna lie to you. This seems like a me story.

[A]

Bird is when he got the idea to take his shirt off.

[C]

I'm tripping on lsd. And he's like, just go home. And I go, good call. But oddly enough, it's not me, it's Tony.

[A]

This is a white guy in the 80s story, like, straight up.

[B]

Yeah, it's definitely a white guy story with the cop just being like, get out of here. Yeah, could be Tony.

[A]

Yeah, Tony's very, like, non threatening. Yeah, non threatening. Has a nice guy.

[D]

I have done acid. I've gone up To a police officer, cuz I thought he was one of the YMCA Village People. I was excited. I'm a big fan.

[B]

Where's the Indian, Tony?

[C]

Yeah, where's the Indian?

[B]

Where's that handsome biker fell? That's not gay at all.

[C]

That is the funniest thing to say if you get pulled over. So where are the other four guys? Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, I was hoping you'd be the construction worker. All right. Yeah.

[A]

Tony. I mean, you've done a lot of LSD in your day.

[D]

I've done it a few times normally. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Have you done it ever, Louis? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[F]

How many times?

[A]

Maybe 20, 30 times in my life.

[F]

What age did you start?

[A]

First time I did acid, I was 18. Last time I did acid was maybe five years ago. Okay.

[C]

Yeah, it's definitely not Jay. That's the only person.

[A]

No, it's definitely 100. Not JJ. I mean, has done LSD one time. He hated it. He questioned his friendship with all of us.

[B]

Although you have no idea what I did after I left that show. I did walk home.

[A]

You went up to a cop. You're like, my friends hurt me.

[B]

I'm not talking to them for a little while.

[A]

All right. This is Tony or Burt. Very obviously. I'm not thinking this is Tim. Or you know what? It could be fucking Tim Dillon, Long Island. There's cops everywhere. This is also a very suburban story.

[F]

There's cops everywhere, all over the world.

[A]

Yeah, but suburban cops are gonna let you get away with the shit like this.

[C]

You gotta. You gotta think of how the. The story is presented. Right? So it's Tim Dillon walks up to a copy like, I'm an acid.

[D]

Or.

[C]

Or you've got. You've got Tony, I'm on lsd. I'm going, Tony. I'm going, Tony. If Tim said it, it's. There's too much to it when Tony says it. Just get the out of it.

[F]

It's not Louis, because they. This person uses the word while. While tripping on acid. Yeah, while tripping.

[A]

I would have said wilst.

[F]

You would just say I tripped on acid.

[B]

Also, if we're going with a punctuation again, three hard periods at the end of this. While tripping on acid. I approached a police officer.

[D]

And I'm the only person up here that has a period, so could be me.

[C]

That. That sounds like a Tony sentence. While tripping on acid, I opposed a police officer.

[F]

It could be a bird is a party.

[A]

Exactly. Whatever.

[F]

It's a party.

[A]

Gu.

[F]

Been a cop on a college campus. That didn't give a shit. Bert's like, hey, I'm on ass. And the guy's like, you know, confused, tells him to go home. That's very possible. It's very possible. Bert did a lot of partying. He's a fun guy. People like him. They're not really going to arrest him. Ooh.

[C]

I'm going, bert, you.

[A]

You're convincing me you are a likable son of a. And I'm just. Here's the thing. I want to say, Tony. Tony, but I'm visualizing the story, and all I can see is Bert, you doing this.

[F]

I can see Bert doing it, and I can see a cop going, just go home.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you're white.

[C]

Go home.

[A]

Bert Kreischer is my final answer.

[F]

I'm gonna say, bertram, I'm going Bert Kreischer.

[B]

Wow.

[F]

I'm going Bert Kreischer.

[D]

I as well. I'm going with Bert Kreischer.

[F]

I could be wrong. I've swayed everyone now.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

I could be wrong.

[C]

I have to go, Tony.

[D]

Everybody in the front row thinks this

[C]

is where I pull apart. There we go, Jay.

[D]

We're gonna have a new last placer

[B]

going on with Bert Kreischer. Catch me on the fully loader, Cruz.

[A]

All of our answers are ends. Alex, whose story is story number four?

[E]

Story number four belongs to Lewis J.

[C]

No, no, no. God damn it.

[B]

I hate this game.

[A]

Yes. This was one of my first time. First time stripping on acid. I took way too much liquid acid. Me and my buddy Dan Dougherty squirted it in our mouth like we had an eyedropper and just went. And we took who knows how many fucking hits each. And he. Within 15 minutes, we were tripping harder than we had ever tripped.

[B]

Wait, you stole this story?

[A]

I did steal the story. 30 hits of acid. Guy, Dan Doherty, runs off into the distance. He's just gone after 50 minutes. I don't know where he went. So then I'm just walking around like this for the entire night. I end up in front of Dunkin Donuts just fucking, like, shaking. I go up to a cop car, and it's exactly that. I was like, I'm on acid. And the cop went, just go home. And then I walked around for another 10 hours, tripping on acid, believing that life was the same as death. And I really. I would have killed myself. I wanted to experience death. I was like, the most beautiful thing in the world in my mind was death. But I couldn't hold on to the thought long enough to kill Myself, so

[F]

I never got three o' clock in the morning.

[A]

Alex, where are points at? Four stories down.

[E]

All right. Tied for fourth place with two points each, Big J Okerson and Tony Hinchcliffe. In third place with three points, Tim Dillon. In second place with seven points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead with eight points, Bert Kreischer.

[F]

Wow.

[D]

Can I just ask. It's been a while since I played and I'm always high and drunk every time we do this. Can anybody tell me when the part starts? The. That's known as double points. Usa. Usa. Usa. Usa.

[F]

Squawk.

[A]

Well, we have reached the halfway point of the show. So real quick, we'll do some quick plugs and then, yeah, we'll explain what happens in the second half. Bert, what are you plugging, my friend?

[C]

Fully Loaded Cruise in November. Yeah, Fully Loaded Cruise. That's it.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

I mean, I got tour dates or whatever, but yeah.

[B]

What?

[C]

I don't know. Yeah, Two Bears. I don't know. Whatever.

[A]

Tim Dillon, what are you plugging? Nice. Yeah, Tony.

[D]

It's Kill Tony. Into a dome this Thursday. We started it 13 years ago up in the belly room with 1313 people. Now we're doing the Intuit Dome, Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th for the third year in a row. We love New York.

[B]

For our viewers that don't know, tell us about that show.

[D]

Well, you have 60 seconds. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means you have to wrap it up then. Or she bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which just rudely interrupts you. And then I conduct an interview. The whole thing's improvised. You guys ready to have the best fucking night of your life tonight or what? Let's start the show up.

[A]

We're doing it, Big J. We're really doing it.

[D]

We're really doing it, Big J.

[B]

What are you plugging bigj comedy.com for? All my dates. Listen to the bonfire with me and the great Robert Kelly and of course, the Legion of Skanks.

[A]

Yeah, check out all my pods that I do realize. Podcast Legion to s the regs. Go to my mailing list, sign up for that and make sure. Most importantly, you guys subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, we do an uncensored. An ad free version of the show comes out every Monday night. If you hate censorship, guess what? You don't have to listen to a censored version of the show. Get pre release@gas digital.com. use the promo code WAR. Save a couple Bucks a month. It helps out the show directly. We have an on demand library that is thousands and thousands and thousands of hours deep. So go do that right now. All right, Jay, explain what's going on in the second half.

[B]

Well, Tony and me, you're probably feeling pretty shitty right now.

[A]

Tim, too.

[B]

And Tim also, you probably feel pretty lousy, like there's no chance to even get back in this game.

[F]

That's right.

[B]

Why are we even playing? This is dumb. It's 2 in the morning. Well, I'll tell you why. It's because this game is one round away from switching 180 degrees. Because for the final four stories, we always go double points.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

It's very simple. Whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point and it. If you guess somebody correctly, you got two points. That now bumps up to double points.

[A]

All right, Story warriors, let's talk about Harry's Razors, which are the best razors on the planet. The Harry's plus razor, their brand new razor, has a pivoting system that means you get a smooth shave anywhere. With blades engineered at three different angles, plus a lubricating strip with aloe and vitamin A. Plus, Harry's pulls less and leaves your skin feeling better. It's just the best razor on the planet, guys. I'll tell you right now, it's the only thing that I use at this point. Obviously, they send me free razors, so why would I use another razor? But now I'll never go back.

[B]

Well, you use it for your head. Me, I'm hitting the beans with this thing. And I'll tell you what. Smooth as they've ever been in my life. Very, very smooth. Three. Three angles of balls. Look, right there. Right there.

[A]

Right for sure, right?

[B]

Like if you put a quarter on it, it would slide off.

[A]

Hold on, let me just. Let me give it a lick. Oh, my God. Has there ever been hair there? I don't think so.

[B]

I know, right? What am I, a baby? What am I, a doll?

[A]

You do taste like a baby. I was just thinking that.

[B]

Would a baby do this?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, take that in your mouth.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

This would be so gay if I had any kind of dick or ball hair. But thank you, Harry's right. Now you can shave your balls to face Lewis for a limited time. Story warriors can get the Harry's plus trial set for only 10 bucks at Harry's.com wars really, really just hit me that this is a Story Wars. I had noticed Kings. That's all right, though, for a limited time. One more time. That's the Harry's plus trial set for only 10 bucks at Harry's.com wars with a Z. The set includes the all new Harry's plus razor, one refined five blade cartridge, a two ounce foaming shave gel, and a travel cover to protect your blades on the go. Just one more time, head over to Harry's.com Warz. What's up, story warriors? We know we all can use a pickup in our days. Try one without the bad side effects. Our newest sponsor, Ultra pouches. Ultra pouches are designed for mental clarity and enhanced focus. They're nicotine free, caffeine free, and they keep you going with a blend of beneficial nootropics and vitamins. You love nootropics, Louis.

[A]

I do.

[B]

Always jawing on about them.

[A]

Well, I. Look, I'll tell you right now, you guys know this. I do take nootropics and I take them daily. And what I love about Ultra is they have Alpha gpc, which is a very, very powerful nootropic. I got adhd. This is how I'm getting stuff done these days. I don't take anything else except you guys obviously know the ones that I take. But Alpha GPT is, in my opinion, one of the best nootropics out there. But it's also got B12, which I was taking independently as well. So this is a great way to get your nootropics and vitamins. And they also taste great. You look cool while you're doing it. Everyone's doing these fucking pouches. You look like an asshole while you're sitting on the sidelines. Now you get to look cool and feel cool. My favorite, the tropical flavor. Give them a try. See what they're all about. It's the ultimate guilt free pouch right now just go to takeultra.com and use the promo Code Wars W A R z to get 15% off today. Once again, that is takeultra.com 15% off with code WARS with Z. Okay, story warriors, let's thank Chubby's for being a longtime supporter of the show. Best shorts on the planet. Comfy, quick drying. They. They help prevent chafing. They have wrinkle resistance fabric as well, which is incredible. They look and feel great all day long. Jay, what is there not to love about chubbies?

[B]

Nothing, unless you're a jerk off. They don't just make amazing shorts, which are the most comfortable and swimwear. I got these on the Fully Loaded tour. They gave us them as a gift because I think Bert likes them a lot and they are the most comfortable I've ever worn, but they also now have hoodies, rugby shirts, and button downs that'll keep you comfy all year round. Do not wait. For a very limited time, you can shop Chubby's biggest sale the season for 45 and under on swim trunks, shorts and pants, plus up to 65 off clearance. Hit up Chubbyshorts.com right now and grab your favorites before they're gone. If you miss the sale, do not sweat it. You can use our exclusive Code warz wars warz for 20 off. That's 20 off your order with Code wars with a Zone. Give your thighs the VIP treatment they deserve with Chubbies. All right, let's get back into it. Alex. Story number five.

[E]

Story number five. A stripper got mad at me because she thought I didn't pay for the dance that I got. She started yelling at me, and when I proved that I paid, she immediately tried to be nice again.

[A]

Could be Bert Bertie, a big strip club guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Bird loves strip club so much that he couldn't even lie to that question.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah. I grew up in Tampa. We like. Like, we wore. We were Umbros at a strip club. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, so they could massage your dance.

[C]

Yeah, no, see, there was, like a thin, like, lap dance. A little harder, please.

[B]

I had buddies that were in the strip clubs. They would go with the swishy pants, like, the windbreaker pants. That was their thing. I go, oh, you go into Swin Breaker pants. I go, that's weird.

[C]

Oh, yeah,

[A]

yeah, we know. It's not Tim. Tim.

[F]

It's not me.

[A]

Not Tim.

[F]

I think it's.

[A]

It's

[F]

maybe Tony, maybe Jay, maybe Burt.

[A]

I don't know that Big J gets. He doesn't get lap dances. You're not a lap dance guy.

[D]

No, but, I mean, you have gotten lap dances, right, Big J?

[B]

In my life, I've gotten laughter. I worked with strippers a long time ago, so I always got, like, weirded out by that. Pretty young. When I was 19, I used to drive them to bachelor parties and shit. It was a. It's pretty grisly business.

[D]

I love strip clubs. I just love it when it's whores dancing all over me and I look at her pussy lips and I'm like, yes, Give me more of that ice cream cake.

[B]

I've gone to strip clubs with Lulu, and I go. And I'm like, can we. I'm not, like, super into it.

[A]

No. When I go to shrimp club, I'm like, all right, I'll be right Back. I go in the back, I try to convince her to have sex with me for money. She doesn't. Then we leave.

[B]

Yeah, I'm just there kind of wingmanning that situation and getting into new Little Wayne tunes.

[A]

Yeah, I remember we did a gig in Montreal years ago at Jimbo's Comedy Works. And I got paid, I mean, I want to say $150 for the weekend. We went to the strip club. I went to the bag, 4pm we go into the back and she like, she. She's like, you want a lap dance? I was like, sure, it's 20 bucks a dance. And then she gives me a dance and then she keeps going. I was like, oh, she likes me. She didn't stop. She's giving me extra dances. Like eight. Eight. Eight songs later, she took all of my money and I was like, jay, I need to borrow money out.

[B]

He came out furious. He was like. She just kept dancing like she was into it.

[A]

She loved me. Dude, you'll never. You'll never feel worse than when you tip Canadian strippers with coins.

[B]

Yeah, they have a satchel like Robin Hood. They're fucking Canadian. Strip clubs are, dude. 4:00pm, the B squad, Canadian chicks.

[A]

Oh, you used to have a joke about that. I remember you said they have the thing like a bus driver.

[B]

Yeah, the fucking coinage return. Thank you, young man. Here you go.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, look, I'm getting Tony vibes. Tony. Tony is another guy. Goes out to the strip clubs, hangs out with all the ladies in Austin. This can Kill Tony.

[D]

You got me figured out. I'm always at the strip club. The Red Rose, the Yellow Rose. Official sponsors of Kill Tony. I'm at the strip club all the time. Anybody that knows me knows I prove I'm a man. I go to the strip club, I get. I get boners there. I have to overcompensate. I have to overcomp, compensate for my insecurities. I'm so straight that I love strip clubs and I'm there all the time. I'm never working or writing or conquering the world. I just like looking at dumb sluts. Dancing. That's what I'm into. And that's why I am voting for Big J. Ok. I think he was raised in that type of life. I think he is a classy guy. I think he would never go without not paying a stripper. And I think, think that young, you know, she had been molested. She got these girls have been through a lot and you did the right thing. You were able to prove that you Paid her by an amazing way. Because you learn these things. You know these things. And that's why I think, at the

[B]

end of the day, I'm a great guy.

[D]

That's true. That's what I'm saying. And that's what I'm planning to say about you. On the roasted Kevin Hart on Sunday, live on Netflix.

[B]

I. I didn't know Tony's gonna pick me, and I have Tony, you can see.

[A]

Really?

[B]

But I thought it was Bert. Bert was my first. My first thought hard.

[A]

You know what is, though? I'm gonna say the reason why I'm kind of leaning toward Big J now as well, is because Big J does not like confrontation.

[C]

Oh, not at all.

[A]

This would be something that. This wouldn't even be a story that would register in most people's minds.

[C]

This is not you.

[A]

No, it's not me.

[C]

No.

[A]

I'm like, I paid you. I do that to her. No, like, this is a story that. It's like a. Jay's a very nice guy, especially when it comes to, like, women. He doesn't want to be perceived as, like, a creep. This is something that would resonate with you the one time that you felt embarrassed and everyone was looking at you because they thought you didn't pay. So I'm gonna actually put my answer in. Final answer, Big J Okerson.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

This guy's disagreeing.

[C]

Wow. Well, Jay's gonna pick Tony.

[B]

Well, between Tony and you, I wouldn't pick me. All right,

[A]

Tim, what are you thinking, my friend?

[F]

I'm thinking Big J. Yeah.

[B]

Fire. I just hope it's not Lewis or Bert getting all these points and pulling away heavy if it's Lewis again.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Keep in mind, we've hit double points.

[F]

Burt, what are you thinking?

[C]

It's either Jay or Tony. I know that. The thing that's confusing me is I've gotten enough lap dances where I don't understand the. I proved I paid because you give them money. You go, here's. Oh, you get done. And then she goes, it's $100. You go, here you go. And here's your tip. So that's where I'm. So I think. I think it might be someone who's trying to lie about going to a strip club. So that's why I'm going with Tony.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Very interesting story, Tim Dillon. Last one to vote. Lots of interesting theories here. Tim, what are you thinking?

[D]

So just to check for each person that votes for me and they're wrong, I get a point?

[B]

No.

[D]

Oh, okay. It's double points.

[B]

Thank you.

[F]

I. I still feel like, God, I don't know.

[C]

It's not me

[A]

now. I think it's Bert.

[F]

I'm just saying Bert and I'll lose.

[D]

I think that's a great guess.

[F]

I'm just gonna say it's Burke.

[D]

That's a great guess.

[F]

It might not be, but whatever.

[D]

I think it's probably Bert.

[A]

Now all of our answers are in. I'm thinking it's Bird. Alex, whose story is story number five?

[D]

We had a whiteboard.

[E]

Story number five belongs to Big J Okerson.

[D]

Yes. Here we go, baby. Here we go. Wait to strike. Like a little gay cobra.

[A]

Was this. Was this Young Jay or adult Jay?

[B]

No, this is Adult J. This is to give you a quick overview of how we got here. I knew a guy who barred a bartender and an owner of a shitty strip club that was essentially a whorehouse across the street from Caroline's comedy Club. And I knew them, and they would come to my show sometimes and bring, like, some of the girls. I was opening for Brian Regan once, and they sat them in the front row. Two strippers and a strip club owner and a bartender. And long story short, they ended up punching a lady in the audience. One of the strippers punched an old lady in the audience. Cause it was crazy. And so I was very angry with the owner and the bartender. And he goes, I'm so sorry about that, man. He goes, one time, when you're roaming around the city, come to the strip club. I'll have one of the girls suck your dick.

[A]

So I said they could punch everyone in the show.

[B]

I went, okay, that does ease the blow a little bit. So one day, I was walking around the city, and I was like, oh, look where I happen to be near. And I went in, and it was from the get go. It was so seedy and weird. He goes, hey, this girl's gonna take you in the back and give you a dance. And I went. I goes, okay. He goes. And he told her. He goes, he's all taken care of. And I went, all right. And I went in the back, and then she went in the back and she blew me. And when she finished, she was in there, and she goes. So actually, she didn't say anything. I pulled out money and I gave her 20. I'm broke. I gave her $20 on because I'm like, awesome. And she goes. She goes, I don't suck dick for $20. You think I fucking suck dick for $20? I'm not gonna sit here and just suck someone's fucking dick for 20. She, like, throw it back at me. And I go, no, no, no. But the john, the owner, said that he took care of me. She goes, oh, yeah, yeah. She goes, so did you like that, baby? And I was like, oh, no, not now. We can't go back. We can't go back.

[A]

And that was the first time that Big J met my mother.

[B]

And that's when I met Lewis's mom.

[A]

It was very nice. Five stories down, Alex, where do our points sit?

[E]

All right, in last place with three points, Tim Dillon.

[F]

I can turn it around.

[E]

Tied for third place with six points each, Big J. Okerson and Tony Hinchcliffe. In second place with eight points, Burt Kreischer. And in the lead with 11 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

That's right. It doesn't matter that I can't read or write. I'm in first place.

[B]

Your deception hurts the most. Alexandra, please give us story number six.

[E]

Story number six. I once made fun of what I thought was a poor black man in the audience. Turns out he was one of the biggest rappers in the world.

[C]

Oh, I think. I think I was at that show.

[A]

Yeah, Tony. Tony's a rock. Tony's a roast comic. He's racist.

[D]

I love it. Pick me.

[B]

He doesn't know.

[D]

Now. I think it's you, Louis, because you're the one jumping on the low head. It's not me. I would know. I'm a. I'm actually. I listen to rap music. Believe it or not. I was born and raised in an all black neighborhood.

[B]

I'm trying to think Kurt Metzger had the thing where he was going at a guy it turns out was Joe Budden.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was the thing. But were you on that show?

[D]

I listen to rap. I know Joe Budden was one of the best presidents we ever had.

[B]

True that. True. That guy ended slavery.

[A]

And then our friend Rocco right here in la didn't get stabbed in the neck with a bottle by one of the guys from Onyx.

[B]

Onyx. Sticky Fingers.

[A]

Sticky Fingers stabbed him in the neck with a bottle.

[B]

Sticky Fingers rules still.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[D]

Dude.

[A]

I would rather hang out with Sticky Fingers than Rocco.

[B]

Sticky Fingers almost rules for that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm getting a Tony Hinchcliffe vibe. Tony Keoni came up here in la. Lots of rappers, lots of musicians. He's a roast comic, goes at the audience.

[D]

You're not listening. I actually know rap music. Like, that's my thing. It gives me energy. I'm actually thinking Bert Kreischer, who gets to perform in front of a lot of, you know, a lot of big people, a lot of big shows, a lot of. A lot of, like, super bowl. Like big things, right? Big events. There's rappers there. I don't think you know who they are. I think it's Bert Kreischer. And that's why I'm typing in Bert Kreischer.

[A]

Tony's voting very early. He's freaking out right now.

[D]

I voted early for Big J too, and I was worried about that.

[B]

Audience can't see it, but there is an oddly placed unnecessary comma in this fucking story. I once made fun of what I thought was a poor black man in the audience. Turns out, comma, he was one of the biggest rappers in the world.

[A]

Nobody knows how to use a comma.

[B]

I know that's not how you use it.

[D]

That is a properly used comma in that situation.

[A]

Oh, Tony can't even let it go. It's so Tony. He's defending the comma.

[B]

Motherfuck.

[D]

That really means Tony. And that's why I wouldn't say that it's well written if it was me, would I?

[A]

People are going to tear this place down. Everyone. Everyone knows it's only. Clap your hands if you think it's Tony Hinchcliffe.

[D]

Yeah, go with them. Go with them.

[C]

That's all I needed to know.

[D]

I'm calling ICE right now.

[C]

That's all I needed to know.

[D]

Son of a.

[A]

Our audience is smart. They're perceptive, Tony.

[C]

That's all I needed to know.

[D]

Did I tell this on a podcast? Did I do it on Storm Story Wars? No, it was on Bert's podcast. Oh, my God, it was.

[A]

Oh, no.

[D]

Yeah, lock it in, Jay. I'm such a. I really smoke too much pot. I don't ever. I don't give a. So, yeah, you got me, Alex.

[A]

I think we all know the answer

[E]

was Story number six belongs to Tony Hinchcliffe.

[D]

I had to do this last second. I wrote it in five minutes on my three stories. This is. I didn't think there would be this kind of.

[C]

I thought it was at that show. You told it to me.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. It happened.

[A]

Where? This was here at the Comedy Store?

[D]

No, it was at an all black. The Real Black show in town at a movie theater in Hollywood and Highland. Any of you guys ever been there? There? Yeah, I didn't think there was going to be much crossover. Anyway, It's. It was the time. 2000, whatever. 13 or 14. Biggest, like, black show. I mean, as black as it gets. And I was that white guy that would go There. And they go, oh, ain't doing it. You know what I mean? I'm like, that guy. So, yeah, there was a guy that stood up. I did a Michael Jackson joke. He goes, nobody. You're not allowed to talk about Michael Jackson. Jackson like that. And it was this tall, lanky black guy, real skinny, sunglasses, with. With what looked like a fake, like, cheap grill. I'm like, look at you with your tinfoil ass grill. You broke piece of. And the crowd's so into it, they're literally going, because I had no hesitation. I'm just grilling this poor black guy. That's just, like, out of line to me. He doesn't know who the I am, right? But everyone in the crowd knew that it was ASAP Rocky. And I had no idea. And I had to go straight to a gig here right after that. So I'm driving here and my phone starts ringing. I get a call from my manager who goes, did you just roast the hell out of ASAP Rocky? But I had to leave there so fast that I had no idea. No one was like, dude, you just did that ASAP Rocky. So I found out three minutes later on a phone call while speeding for a spot here. And I mean, again, I really am a huge rap fan, and I had no idea that it was ASAP Rocky, who was on numerous playlists at the time, all the time, and probably would have handled it differently, but instead he got roasted like he was poor.

[B]

Hell yeah. Shout out, ASAP Mob. Shout out, ASAP Mob.

[A]

Six stories down. Alex, where are our points?

[E]

All right, in last place with six points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[D]

I deserve it. I deserve it.

[E]

In fourth place with seven points, Tim Dillon. In third place with 10 points, Big J Okerson. In second place with 12 points, Bert Kreischer. And in first place with 15 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[A]

Two more stories. You guys having a good time here?

[B]

It's two o' clock in the fucking morning. Are you guys still out there?

[A]

Story number seven.

[E]

Story number seven. I've never been able to tell when anybody in my life has had a drug problem or were even using drugs at all.

[B]

It does seem to sweet naivety of Bert.

[A]

I will say that Big J didn't know that I had a debilitating coke problem for, like, two years.

[B]

That's not true. I chose to ignore it. It I said, not my drug problem. I've got a child to raise. Oh, I knew.

[A]

They all knew.

[B]

I just go, he's fine. I'll figure it out. He's Lewis.

[A]

There was a There was a, A two year period of Legion of Skanks where I would take five bathroom breaks per episode.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

What two years was this? Because I'm never able to tell when anybody in my life has a drug problem or even using drugs at all. What years was. Were this? I'm oblivious.

[B]

Oblivious.

[A]

This was like, what, 20, 13, 14, something like that. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I don't remember, I guess cuz I

[A]

didn't know those were the good old days.

[B]

The good old days. Tim. No, Tim.

[C]

Yeah, Tim's to. Tim's too dialed into life.

[B]

Are you good at calling out when people are on drugs?

[C]

No,

[F]

I'm not. I mean, I'm not.

[C]

I don't know if I've ever accused

[B]

anybody of being on drugs. Yeah, I don't pay attention to anybody else. Well, yeah, I think that's maybe my thing is. I don't know, like things like that because I don't pay attention.

[F]

Yeah, it's.

[C]

You know, usually it's someone in the throes of alcoholism or drug problem that doesn't notice people having one.

[F]

So.

[A]

Are you saying it's you?

[C]

It might be. I. I'll tell you what. I've had guys with really bad drinking problems on my podcast that then went into recovery and they're like, yeah, you. You were my bottom. And then I'm always like, really?

[A]

Tony. Tony has that same story from a lot of guys. You were my bottom. Come on, folks. Come on, folks.

[D]

Come on, folks, please clap.

[A]

It's two in the morning. Yeah, I'm getting Bert or Big J vibes here.

[B]

That's fair.

[C]

No?

[A]

Yeah, big J, big Js.

[F]

You're very into business.

[C]

Maybe.

[F]

Maybe you're not. Maybe you're not. You know what? Why isn't it you?

[A]

Hold on, wait a minute. I've never been able to tell when anybody in my life has had a drug problem, comma, comma, for no reason,

[F]

or we're even using drugs at all. That's not. That's not great.

[A]

That's not a great comma.

[F]

That's not a great sentence.

[B]

Bert.

[A]

What we're finding out tonight is we are all retarded.

[B]

I don't think it's Tim.

[A]

It also could be Tim.

[F]

How could it be me? How could it be me?

[B]

It couldn't be simple.

[F]

I would know if somebody was using drugs in my life.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'll be honest with you, it is me. But I didn't write it. Like, this is me, but it's not me. Like I. I actually can never tell, but it's not me. Yeah, but it's not me. But I didn't write it. Now, now. Now what you have to do is who is most like me.

[F]

That's a compliment by.

[C]

Thank you.

[F]

That's very sweet, but it's. It's not. It's truly not me. I wouldn't lie.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

Look, I'm going just pure personality trade. I. I personally have this experience with Big J. I know that he. And, you know, pretty oblivious to the fact that I was fucking regularly doing drugs. I'm going Big J. Okerson, final answer right here. Locking it in.

[C]

Interesting.

[A]

Boom me all you want.

[B]

That's not what this show is. We're at Netflix festival. Because this feels like me. That's why I think it's Bert.

[F]

Ooh,

[B]

wow.

[D]

It feels like me. That's why I think it's Bird, because

[C]

he said it's me. I'm going with Big J. I was going to do Joe Coy, but.

[B]

Oh, that's seat six.

[D]

I got to go for points here. I can't go with Lewis. He's too far ahead. So I'm going to start strategically changing. Even though I think it might most likely be Big J. I'm going to do something interesting here. Where to? For a chance to possibly win. Win. Probably my last chance to win. I'm gonna go with a strategic pick here. And I am going to go with the one and only Tim. Lights out, Dylan.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

The man, the myth, the legend.

[F]

I'm not voting no.

[B]

Hard refuse.

[F]

Could be Big J. Could be Bert. I'm gonna. God. Bert has not had one story yet.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, he did?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

The bird. Yeah, the two birds, right?

[B]

He did.

[A]

He did.

[D]

I had the one that everybody knew about.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

That sucked. Yeah.

[A]

What?

[D]

Yeah, that sucks. But it's fun. If you're gonna lose in life, it's best to do it on story wars.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Could be worse. Could be worse.

[F]

There's no losers on the stage. I'm going to go with. With. With Bert.

[C]

I should have gone with Tim.

[F]

I'm gonna go to Bert.

[A]

All of our answers are locked in Alex, whose story was story number seven.

[D]

Let's go. Let the comeback begin.

[E]

Story number seven belongs to Big J Okerson.

[B]

I'll be honest with you. I really. I just thought Lewis had fag bladder. I just thought the guy had to piss all the time. Like, go, you lady boy. I'll hold up the fort. And he's no problem at all. I think Kurt Mesker had Like, real mess has real problems. At one point, I've ignored all of them. I just go, they're eccentric or they like to stay up a lot.

[A]

They like to write music while they're passing out. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

What? A lot of my friends call me at 4 in the morning. Yeah. I'm oblivious to it. I don't know why. It's because I've never done a bunch of drugs, so I don't know. I'm just kind of like, so and so spacey lately.

[A]

Huh.

[D]

By the way, I am totally 100% with you on this. This is like a part of my life.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I've never.

[B]

They're always like, so you didn't notice I had a major problem. I go, no, I would have loved to help, but I thought. I don't know. I thought you were funny and get tired early.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

They never invite me because I don't do it. I clearly just smoke weed and drink. And so it's. It's always wild because I'm like, man, these. These are my. These are the best people. They're like me. We hang out till 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning.

[B]

I don't want to sell anybody else out out by naming, but Lewis and two other people we know. We were doing a gig in Miami, and we were sitting at a table. We were having a conversation, and I was definitely pontificating. So I'm stoned. And as I'm talking to him, every five or six minutes, one of the three of them goes like. They wink at the other one. They go like, all right, go upstairs. And you guys are just going to a hotel.

[A]

It was. It was. It was Dave Smith and Karen Feehan.

[B]

Yeah, it was. But every time they come back, and I'd be like, like, are you guys all done getting whatever you have to get? You keep forgetting in the. In the room now? Anyway, I was doing this thing and blah, blah, blah. And they were like, yeah, yeah, you know what, dude?

[C]

Fuck, dude.

[B]

I think I left my wallet up in that room. And they just kept going up. We were just sitting outside by a motel pool.

[A]

Shout out comedy in Miami.

[B]

Shout out comedy in Miami.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Seven stories down. Alex, where are our points at?

[E]

All right. In last place with six points.

[D]

Oh, God.

[E]

Tony Hinchcliffe.

[D]

Jesus Christ. Let's go.

[B]

Played a strategic move.

[E]

In fourth place, with seven points, Tim Dillon. In third place with 14 points, Big J. Okerson. In second place with 16 points, Bert Kreischer. And in first place, with 19 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[D]

This is anybody's game except for me or Tim's. Anybody can win this except for me and you.

[B]

All right, well, that's right. Oh, Louis, you're right. That was fucking cool how you did that. Don't forget the winner of this game, which is probably gonna be Berta Lewis or to a much lesser extent, me. Men Explain Things to Me is about navigating a world where being right is often secondary to being the loudest person in the room. Ultimately, the book drives home the point that sometimes women do have something to say.

[D]

Hey, whoever wins, all I ask is that whoever lets me borrow that for a week, because I want to hear what this cunt has to say.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The. The first sentence in the book is here in the United States, where there's a reported rape every 6.2 minutes, and one in five women will be raped in her lifetime. That's the first sentence.

[B]

Look to your left and look to your right. One of you will be raped.

[A]

Look to your right. Now rape the woman next to you.

[B]

Rape your partner. Round and round. Now switch it up in Dozy Doe.

[A]

Wait, hold on. It's Netflix. Wait, wait. We gotta chill.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

We're sorry. Netflix. We're sorry.

[B]

Where did that after the Netflix episode?

[C]

Every 6.2 minutes.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty quick.

[A]

That's a lot.

[C]

Yeah. There.

[A]

There have been 21 rapes during this

[B]

podcast with no romance.

[A]

Yeah, we have one more story. Are you guys having a great time? Comedy Store, Come on.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Come on, guys. This is it. Final story of the night.

[B]

Final story.

[A]

Anybody's game? Alex, Story number eight.

[E]

Story number eight. I paid a mentally disabled person to do yard work and provided him with alcohol. I didn't know this was wrong, but when his sister picked him up, she asked why he was drunk.

[F]

That's a funny story.

[B]

Only Bert believes alcohol is money.

[A]

Bert pays for everything in alcohol. Oh, that's funny. Bert's got a big, beautiful yard. I've been to his house.

[B]

Bert paid me for everything I've done with him in uncrustables and alcohol. But those two things flow like water when you're with Bert.

[A]

No, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. It could be one of Tony's golden diggers.

[A]

It's how he met Uncle Laser.

[D]

It's true. It could happen.

[A]

No, like Tony. Tony doesn't have a yard. He. He's a. He's a city guy for a very, very long time. So it's definitely not Tony. Jay just moved to the suburbs. Just had. Just got a yard.

[B]

I'm not letting. No. My yard. I don't give a. If we are on Netflix. Yo. Where's my camera? I don't know. In my yard playing around.

[A]

My.

[F]

It.

[D]

Yeah,

[B]

Take that across Hamburg Turnpike.

[F]

What about L. L?

[A]

No, I mean, look, it could be me. I've had a yard for. For about five, six years now.

[B]

And you surround yourself and you also think that most of your staff is mentally disabled. So

[A]

when is this picking up? Yeah, I mean, look, this is. This is timber. Bur very obviously, in my opinion, I could also see it being Tim. Tim has lots of parties. I Even Tim's doesn't drink. He's not a drinker. But Tim has a lot of parties. You do entertain. You have a yard. I can easily see you being like,

[F]

you know, I have somebody who takes care of the yard. I'm not paying.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bert is cackling at his own story right now. He loves this story. He's. He's so happy that he submitted this story. He can't wait to tell the story.

[B]

He doesn't care if he wins. He just wants to get this over with to tell this fucking killer story.

[A]

I mean, Burt can't contain himself right now.

[B]

I hear you saying it. Hey, you want to do some yard work and a couple beers? You take it over to pull some weeds out from between my rocks right off. Bert Kreischer all.

[A]

It's fucking Bert. Jesus Christ. The story warriors answers are in. Tim Dillon votes Bert Kreischer. Tony Hinchcliffe. Ooh. With a very surprising answer playing strategically right now. Even though he can't win. Bert votes Tim. Tony votes Tim.

[B]

Alex.

[A]

All of her answers are in. Tell us how this is Bert Kreischer.

[E]

Story number eight belongs to Tim Dillon.

[A]

Are you kidding me?

[B]

Tim? Tim, you may have played disruptor, buddy.

[D]

Let's go.

[A]

What? What a great liar. Holy.

[F]

He was a local guy. There's a local guy from the neighborhood. And, you know, he used to walk around a lot. And I said, this was the first house I owned that was later foreclosed on. And I said, if you do yard work, we'll pay you. And, you know, he loved booze. He loved to drink. And his sister was really excited. She goes, I like that you're having

[A]

him do yard work.

[F]

But then she came up to me and she goes, why is he drunk?

[B]

And you go, that's just how he is.

[D]

Is.

[F]

I was just like, why can't he drink?

[C]

This is a story I also lived and didn't write down.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I. I do Give my yard guys booze. Porosos. And the other day, there was a.

[A]

He gives poor essays. Porosos.

[C]

Po po. And there was a guy in our backyard picking up dog. And our dogs have been dead for six months. And I said to Leanne, I said, where is he finding dog shit. She goes, I don't have the heart to tell him we don't have dogs anymore. And he's a mentally disabled guy that we pay to pick up dog shit.

[F]

Yeah, it's a good thing to do.

[B]

By the way, coming soon, me and Lewis's new hard seltzer poor essays.

[A]

Alex, what are our final points at?

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

I mean, I. Dude, I think that we just gotta come from behind. Victory. Good, Alex.

[E]

All right. In last place with 10 points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[D]

Wait, what? That can't be. I got it right. Wait, what?

[E]

In fourth place with 11 points, Tim Dillon. In third place with 14 points, Big J Okerson.

[B]

He is us.

[A]

They are behind you.

[F]

So long.

[B]

He is us.

[A]

He is us.

[B]

He is us. He is us. He is us. I represent all the skank fans that Kevin Hart roast, hashtag heisus.

[A]

Alex.

[E]

Second place scored 19 points. And your winner tonight with 20 points, Bert Kreischer.

[B]

Burt the Michelle Machine Kreischer is your newest story warrior. Bert, Bert, Bert. You now have the coveted title, and you now have the ability, you know, to trigger the most fun thing in comedy.

[C]

Say that. I can say the N word.

[F]

What?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. Well, that will. It will get a similar reaction, but no.

[C]

What did you say?

[B]

You now get the trigger. What? What?

[C]

Double points.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Everybody, congratulations to Burt Kreis, your newest story warrior. He joins an elite group. How about a big round of applause for our entire panel. The great Tony Hinchcliff. The great Week Tim Dillon. Newest story warrior, Bert Kreischer. We're here all week, everybody. For Story Wars, I'm Big J Okerson.

[A]

I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[B]

Until next time.

[C]

Peace.

[G]

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[D]

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