099. Jon Lovitz, Robert Oberst, Ben Avery | Heavy Things

Summary

Story Warz – Episode 099

Guests: Jon Lovitz, Robert Oberst, Ben Avery
Theme: Heavy Things
Recorded Live at The Comedy Store, LA
Date: June 26, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of Story Warz is bursting with energy as hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez welcome an all-star comedic panel for a riotous round of their signature game of deceptive storytelling. The theme, “Heavy Things,” inspires stories both literally and metaphorically weighty. With Ari Shaffir guest–narrating, and legendary Jon Lovitz, strongman Robert Oberst, and comedian Ben Avery competing, the live crowd at Netflix is a Joke Fest provides raucous energy as misdirection, brutal honesty, and dark humor combine for a hilarious game.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Format and Rules Introduction

• The Game: Panelists submit true stories on a theme. Stories are read anonymously, and panelists must both disguise their own and guess others’. Points are awarded for correct guesses and for fooling others.
• Tonight’s Subject: “Heavy Things,” interpreted both physically (weight, gym stories) and metaphorically (emotional, dark, or burdensome experiences).
• The Prize: The winner receives the trauma-recovery book The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.

  "I'd rather just get some money. Gonna read that." – Jon Lovitz (07:59)

2. Meet the Panel

• Ben Avery: Lemon Party podcast host.

• Robert Oberst: Bodybuilder, pro strongman, Righteous Gemstones actor.

• Jon Lovitz: SNL alum, The Critic, comedy legend—shares early, candid anecdotes about being banned from the Comedy Store in 1979 and returning triumphant.

  “Now I’m here. … I think the guy that said, don’t come back is dead.” – Jon Lovitz (06:02)

• Special Guest Narrator: Ari Shaffir steps in as the reader, offering acerbic commentary throughout.

3. Game Play – Highlight Stories & Banter

Story 1: Woman Paid for Hawaiian Trip

• Reactions:
  • Accusations fly about which panelist would allow a woman to pay for a vacation.
  • Jay and Luis riff on masculinity, pride, and who’s a “beta.”
  • Lovitz jokes about being glad to save money (“If a woman paid for the trip to Hawaii, I would not feel like a loser. I’d feel like a winner. Yeah. Because I’m Jewish, so I didn’t have to spend my own money.” – 15:06)
• Reveal: The story is Luis J. Gomez’s (18:26).
• Backstory: In his twenties, Lewis joined a wealthy woman in Hawaii but felt emasculated and “couldn’t get my dick hard the whole time.” (18:53)

Story 2: Passed Out in Middle School, Nurse Insult

• Suspicions:
  • The “fat kid” story has everyone accusing each other of childhood chubbiness.
  • Robert reveals he was 300 lbs. in 7th grade: “I was like a square. Short and very big, then I grew taller.” (31:24)
• Reveal: The story belongs to Robert Oberst (30:29).

Story 3: Meet-&-Greet Squash

• Punchline Story:
  • Jon Lovitz details a meet & greet where a 6’6”, 400 lb. man collapsed backward between Lovitz and Rob Schneider. Lovitz steps away; Schneider (“the midget”) is “squished.”
  • “It was so funny…[he] pulled Rob over, Rob’s like, ow. Oh, it was so funny.” – Jon Lovitz (39:59)
• Reveal: Lovitz’s story (39:34).

Story 4: Stuck in Power Lifter Shirt

• Bait and Switch:
  • Story about being stuck in gym equipment is suspected to be Oberst’s, but is actually Jay’s: "I went to go get this thing on, and I was trying a new [bench] shirt…my heart was in my stomach, how much body was pouring out…the next thing I remember is my step pop kind of slapped me in the face…" (48:57)
• Reveal: Big Jay Okerson’s story (47:14).

Story 5: Heavy Dark—Bag of Puppies

• Shock and Darkness:
  • The heaviest story: a family member in the 1960s killed a bag of puppies with a hammer.
  • Panel guesses Ben, citing his “serial killer glasses.”
• Reveal: Ben Avery’s family's story (66:32).
  • Backstory: Ben’s grandfather did it on a Texas farm. (66:59)

  "It was my granddaddy…they were just hungry…so he just…so I fed them a hammer." – Ben Avery (67:18)

Story 6: Fat, Bipolar, Alcoholic Girlfriend

• Lovitz’s Turn:
  • Jon describes a relationship with a partner who mercilessly mocked his “two peas hiding behind [her] clit,” but “the sex was great.”

  "I mean, I don’t know why I stayed with her. She was mean. She’s always making fun of me down below…But it was her. I said, it’s not me. It’s you." – Jon Lovitz (81:29)

• Reveal: Jon Lovitz (80:22).

Story 7: Holding a Man as He Died

• Heavy, Literal and Existential:
  • Guessed to be Robert’s, and was: He held a group-home patient dying of illness in his arms.

  "Jim got sick…his lips were turning blue. So I pulled him out the car and I held him as he passed away." – Robert Oberst (91:05)

Story 8: Heroin Addict Girlfriend, Family Chaos

• Twisted Relationships:
  • A tale of addiction, messy family infidelities, and the (literal) “heavy” burden of it all.
• Reveal: Big Jay Okerson—his ex relapsed during family turmoil, and he “knew we were done” after she farted while he tried to revive her. (101:22)

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Notable Banter, Quotes & Moments

• Lovitz on his Comedy Store banishment comeback:

  “Now I’m here. …I think the guy that said, don’t come back is dead.” (06:02)

• Robert Oberst, on his nurse's fat insult:

  “Oh, I used to work in Hawaii, and they had way fatter kids than this guy.” (31:11)

• Jay about meet-and-greets:

  “No, dude, I live in mystery. Like Axl Rose… socially shy.” (36:37)

• Jay on the bench press debacle:

  “My heart was in my stomach, how much body was pouring out underneath this shirt. … I started to fucking pass out…” (48:57)

• Ben Avery on his granddad’s horror:

  “He just… fed them a hammer.” (68:19)

• Lovitz, ever the roastmaster:

  “Jay, you get to keep the book you already bought.” (51:03) “This is like Bob Barker winning The Price is Right.” (103:28)

• Ari Shaffir, meta-mocking:

  “If we get ‘Lulu Lou’ as a chant going, we could do the next Saudi Arabia festival.” (98:29)

• Jay’s near-perfect run:

  “Jay just played a perfect game. … One point short of a perfect game. The best game anyone’s ever played.” — Luis J. Gomez (100:43)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Game Explanation & Panel Introduction: 02:03–07:59

• Game Play:

  • Story 1: 11:13–19:26
  • Story 2: 25:19–31:32
  • Story 3: 33:13–40:49
  • Story 4: 42:16–49:38
  • Story 5: 57:34–67:51
  • Story 6: 74:45–81:49
  • Story 7: 83:36–91:38
  • Story 8: 94:39–103:00

• Jon Lovitz, on past girlfriends: 80:58–81:49

• Ben Avery explains family darkness: 66:32–68:19

• Jay’s “heroin girlfriend” story & win: 101:22–103:00

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Final Scores & Closing Notes

• Big Jay Okerson: 29 pts (Winner; one point short of a perfect game)
• Ben Avery: 14 pts
• Luis J. Gomez: 13 pts
• Jon Lovitz: 12 pts
• Robert Oberst: 8 pts

Jay, having historically both won and bombed in previous shows, is lauded for his performance. Lovitz wisecracks about the host winning his own game, while Luis congratulates Jay on the “best game anyone’s ever played.” The episode wraps with quick promo plugs and celebratory crowd chants.

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Episode Vibe & Audience Takeaway

High-energy, relentlessly candid, and unafraid of dark or self-deprecating humor, this episode is classic Story Warz—where “heavy” subject matter means everything from gym accidents to generational trauma. Standout performances, especially from Jay and Lovitz, and Ari’s caustic narration keep the audience howling. If you love comics riffing mercilessly and personal stories that veer unexpectedly between absurd, emotional, and macabre, this one’s not to miss.

Transcript

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, what's up everybody? It's Big J Okerson. Luis J. Gomez here. Remember, you can always see us on the road doing our thing live stand up comedy and go to bigjay comedy.com to catch me on the Greatest Yapper live tour with dates coming up in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Winnipeg, Canada, Richmond, Virginia, Levittown, New York, Governor's Comedy Club coming home, Royal Oak, Michigan for the first time in years and so much more. Go check out for a city near you on the Greatest Yapper Alive tour right [e-mail] and come see me on

[Luis J. Gomez]

the road the Rattle Me this tour coming to a city near you. This weekend I'll be in La Jolla, California at the Comedy Store doing shows on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The beginning of July, I'll be in Baltimore, Maryland at the Port come Denver. For the first time in my entire life, I'm doing comedy works. I'm very excited about this. This could be July 24th, 25th weekend. And then right after that I got Lafayette, Louisiana and Lake Charles, Louisiana. So come see me out on the road. Story warriors. Get those [e-mail] fill her up.

[Robert Oberst]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Netfl is

[Luis J. Gomez]

a joke fested Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Louis Jake Oman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Holy shit. What is up? Night three. Netflix is a joke festival for Story Wars. Make some noise please. Comedy Store.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're sold out here at the world famous Comedy Store, Los Angeles. You guys are fucking back in a big way. Everyone, everyone talks about Austin. They're like, LA's dead. They're all gay. They all have AIDS. But I'm feeling a vibe from LA that I've never felt. Or at least in a very long time I haven't felt. Jay, how you feeling today? What are you trying to get laid?

[Robert Oberst]

Yep.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was crazy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What's up, ladies?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was outlandish. La. I mean, just great food, great people and good conversations. How many people in this room are familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Luis J. Gomez]

And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Fuck you, buddy. Get the fuck out of here, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If it's your first time listening at home or your first Time here. We will explain the game. It's a very simple one. But once we get our esteemed panel of contestants out for tonight's Story Wars. Our first contestant from the Lemon Party podcast. Why don't you make some noise right now, Los Angeles, for Ben Avery.

[Ben Avery]

Thank you, guys.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ben, we're very happy to have you here on the podcast. How excited are you to possibly become a story warrior?

[Ben Avery]

I want it. I want the double points and the whole thing. Well, I'm not, but I'm referencing it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she's just referencing it.

[Ben Avery]

I'm not. I'm not doing it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, yeah, I get it, but I wear fucking banshees.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they're allowed. They're allowed to say the words. They don't even want you to say the words. Our second competitor from the Righteous Gemstones, professional bodybuilder Robert Oberst. Let him hear it. Holy shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn, Lewis. Lewis. He makes you look like such a tiny little pussy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's not true, dude. Crazy Jay. You guys look like he's the larger Russian egg doll of you. We opened him up and you popped out, you little bitch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm three. Roberto bursts in. Thank you so much for being here, my man. We're happy to have you. Our third contestant. Last but not least, everyone, a legendary comedian. You know him from the Critic. Know I'm from snl. Make some noise right now for the one and only John. Love it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, John, we're happy to have you on the show. We were backstage, we had to go through a couple mock rounds of this. He really wants to win this game.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't get a bit far.

[Jon Lovitz]

No idea what I'm doing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Somebody has to fire their agent.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, I kind of know. Thanks for having me. Of course.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you for being here.

[Jon Lovitz]

I was here in 79. I used to come on Monday nights. This was the hottest club in the country.

[Ben Avery]

In the country.

[Jon Lovitz]

Robin Williams got market meeting every Monday. That improv potluck night. I went two weeks in a row. The third week, I'm standing there and they go, oh, we're asking certain people not to come back. And you're one of them. And now I'm here.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You did it.

[Robert Oberst]

He's back.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's back with a vengeance.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

John is back. John is back. John is back.

[Jon Lovitz]

John is back on this stage. And I think the guy that said, don't come back is dead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good riddance to bad garbage, I say.

[Jon Lovitz]

Or bald.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Rest in piss, sir.

[Jon Lovitz]

It's 1979.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you're unfamiliar with the game story wars, and if it Is your first time listening at home. It's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, heavy things. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off at random. And if it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. And every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it is your story, that is a huge opportunity, you can get four points. You don't want to squander that opportunity. And what you do is once you put your answer on the tablet and lock it in, that's it. You cannot change your answer. And I'll you right now. We have a lot of fun here at Story Wars. It's so much fun. Sir, I know we booed you for not knowing what the show is, but you're gonna have so much fun tonight. But you should know this, we're not playing for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every week here at Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home the Body Keeps the Score. Brain, Mind and Body and the Healing of trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. We've all been through unimaginable pain. Sure. The Body Keeps the Score explores how major trauma doesn't simply disappear over time. You have to work on it. Recovery comes from rebuilding. And with the tools you'll learn in this book, you can start rebuilding yourself today.

[Jon Lovitz]

Jay, that's what we're playing for.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Jon Lovitz]

I'd rather just get some money. Gonna read that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I think everybody who's gonna get it gets it. I think we should get this son of a bitch started. Is this crowd ready for war?

[Ari Shaffir]

Hold on one God damn minute. What the fuck is happening with this God damn room? What a bunch of Palestinian sympathizers we have here.

[Robert Oberst]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

I've never seen so many ugly, fat motherfuckers in one place before in my life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was so jarring for Jon Lovis to hear a Ruseau chanting Jew.

[Ari Shaffir]

They know but you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That shook him. Genuinely.

[Jon Lovitz]

I feel so at home.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's cool, buddy. Hey, I've been watching this show a lot. I'm actually a two time winner. There's one thing. If I could give you guys a tip on how to improve your show, and one thing I rarely know is about tips. John is cool.

[Robert Oberst]

They all know me.

[Ari Shaffir]

And listen, it's all going great, but if there's one weakness, it's the fucking retard that's reading off the stories. Doesn't want to fucking read English.

[Robert Oberst]

Alex.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, you like her? Well, she's a fucking retarded person.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Both can be true.

[Ari Shaffir]

So I've come today to supplant her. Give me the thug. I'm reading the stories today.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Holy shit. We have a special guest narrator, one third of the legendary legion of skanks, Ari Shafir.

[Ari Shaffir]

The skanks are together again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Three for life.

[Ari Shaffir]

Alex, I only called you retarded cause you have down syndrome.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He lumps it all together.

[Jon Lovitz]

I think my chances of winning have just gone up. Am Yisrael. Ha.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war? Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you, roots. Ari Shafir. Without any further ado. My man. Story number one.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number one.

[Ari Shaffir]

She could do that part. I went whale watching in Hawaii, but I couldn't enjoy myself because the woman I was dating paid for the trip and I felt like a loser.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think it's Ari.

[Jon Lovitz]

Oh, he's not playing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sorry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

First of all, I've never let a pay for a trip in my entire life. Are you out of your fucking mind? I feel like I pay for those fucking trips.

[Jon Lovitz]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now, but I mean, at a time, you were a sugar baby for some chicks.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You think so?

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You weren't a guy. You were, like a vagrant guy. So you would, like, have chicks that would, like, hook you up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nah, I went to Hawaii one time. I brought my girlfriend. I paid for my trip to Hawaii. No bitch paid for my trip to Hawaii. So thank you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whatever.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You actually know this better than anyone in the world.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know that you've ever gone to Hawaii. I'm just saying. You'd let a fucking chick pay for your fucking thing and go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The best part about this show with Jay is that he never listens to my stories. This is why I dominate him. Robert Oberst. Have you been to Hawaii before?

[Robert Oberst]

Yeah, I've been to Hawaii before.

[Ari Shaffir]

Interesting.

[Robert Oberst]

I paid for it myself.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Robert Oberst]

So I've been sitting here getting the vibe of these guys while you guys were bickering. And I've got a feeling it's Ben, I don't know. Immediately gave me the vibe right away.

[Luis J. Gomez]

A little bit of a beta energy, like a Woman might be able to dominate.

[Robert Oberst]

You said it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You said it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not a beta move.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Having a woman pay for your trip, that's a massively beta move.

[Robert Oberst]

And defending it is double beta.

[Jon Lovitz]

Ooh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay.

[Robert Oberst]

Robert.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You can't say double points, but you can say double beta.

[Ari Shaffir]

You can say it. You can say it. Oh, my God. You got a hand on it and dropped it, but you had another one.

[Jon Lovitz]

What is this? I'm just this time. And I'm usually in bed cuddling. Cuddling with my pug chihuahua.

[Ari Shaffir]

I feel like if it was Robert, we would have heard a story about a bunch of civilians trying to push him back into the water.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's true.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ouch. Robert is massive, but also says having somebody else pay for something is a very Jewish type thing. So maybe it could be John Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, no, I've been to one.

[Ben Avery]

It could be a winner.

[Jon Lovitz]

It couldn't have been me because I had to pay for it. Cause the hookers I brought couldn't afford it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would have to assume.

[Jon Lovitz]

Ben?

[Robert Oberst]

Ben, is this you?

[Ben Avery]

I love Wales. I'll cop to that. I mean, I love Moby Dick and I love great big fat people. I mean, I don't know. I would. If someone was paying for the vacation, though, I would feel. I wouldn't care at all. I wouldn't care. I wouldn't feel down at all about the whole thing.

[Ari Shaffir]

You wouldn't feel weird about it? Who would be most likely to feel weird about that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay would feel weird about a person.

[Ben Avery]

The feeling is the important thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I wouldn't. It's not that I would feel bad about it. I would never in a million years do this.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You would never go whale watch. You would never go to Hawaii. You've never been to Hawaii. I know that.

[Ben Avery]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wouldn't let a chick pay for a fucking trip.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, only you two could talk a girl into that. It's one of. I think it's not me.

[Ari Shaffir]

What if it was Jay? He wouldn't feel bad that she was paying for the trip. He would feel bad that she was asking for him to take his T shirt off.

[Luis J. Gomez]

True.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not wrong about that. And also that she was talking. We weren't whale watching. She just called it that. Just look at me in binoculars in the shower. She goes, whale watching. I go, stop. I'm not having fun. I know you paid, but you can't do this.

[Jon Lovitz]

If a woman paid for the trip to Hawaii, I would not feel like a loser. I'd feel like a winner. Yeah. Cause I'm Jewish, so I didn't have to spend my own money. Well, thank God they like us.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is the most fun Nazi party ever.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, in my defense, I'm not a Jew. I'm Jewish.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes, John. At the end, unfortunately, they start chanting, gas, gas, gas, gas.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it gets weird.

[Jon Lovitz]

I played Hitler in a movie.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting Ben Vibes. Ben, have you been to Hawaii?

[Ben Avery]

Really? I've never been.

[Ari Shaffir]

What a weird way to say that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I've never been.

[Ben Avery]

I've never been. I didn't travel.

[Robert Oberst]

How about this? Louis is the gym.

[Ben Avery]

I'm pretty sure he's the only guy with like enough self respect to feel like a loser. I mean, he's a strong man. He's in the gym, this guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, and the woman paid because she felt physically threatened by his presence.

[Ben Avery]

That's right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was one of those unspoken pay or else.

[Jon Lovitz]

I think it was Louis and it was last week. Look how tan he is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's Puerto Rican. You can't tell it by his personality or the fact he doesn't speak Spanish or anything about him except for his skin tone.

[Jon Lovitz]

But he is Puerto Rican, so it's a permanent tan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And his. Yes. And his sparse fucking landscapery mustache.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna get the voting going. I'm getting Ben Vibes all day long. The way he said that he's never been to Hawaii was strange. I'm locking it in right now. Ben Avery is my vote.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if you've ever been to Hawaii, because I don't Listen.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I have been to Hawaii.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When? How long ago?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Like five years ago.

[Ari Shaffir]

Did a girl pay for the trip?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, I paid for the trip. Obviously I paid for the trip.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't believe this.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Please waste your vote.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who else? No one else says this. You think this is a fucking badass move? Pay for it, bitch. And then you feel like a loser when you got there.

[Robert Oberst]

Maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shut up.

[Robert Oberst]

Good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, wow. I was it. All week, Jay has been locking in an answer and then changing his mind last minute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do so.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I do appreciate the fact that you fucking stuck with your guns this time, but you just wasted your vote.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did I?

[Luis J. Gomez]

What are we thinking?

[Ben Avery]

So I was gonna go Robert, but right now I'm looking at Lewis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me?

[Ben Avery]

Yeah, I think it's you all the way.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Ben Avery]

All the way.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow. We got two guys.

[Ben Avery]

How do I get it in a slide?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, lock it in. Two votes for me. Wasting your votes.

[Robert Oberst]

I was gonna vote for Lewis as well, but it already locked in at Ben, so We're voting for back.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I guess

[Jon Lovitz]

I voted Lewis before they ask the question.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's like this guy doesn't even need books.

[Jon Lovitz]

Nope. Jews are funny.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Three. Three votes for me. A couple votes for Ben. Alex, whose story was story number one.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number one belongs to Louis J. Gomez. No,

[Jon Lovitz]

it is Louis.

[Ben Avery]

I knew it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a salesman.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it was more than five years ago. I did lie about that. I was at a time when I didn't have a lot of money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Most of your life. 19 and a half of the 20 years I've known you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I was talking to this chick who was like a self made millionaire. This chick, she actually lives in la. She won't talk to me anymore. And she's like. She goes. She's like, come with me to Hawaii, all expenses paid. And it's exactly that. I was like, yes. Fucking Hawaii. How cool will that be? She's like, we'll go whale watching. We'll go swimming with the sharks. We'll fucking go to see a volcano. I was like, this sounds incredible. And then the second I got off the plane, I was like, I'm a fucking loser. I'm letting this woman pay for all this stuff. And I couldn't enjoy it at all. I couldn't get my dick hard the whole time. It was a problem.

[Robert Oberst]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I like to think she slapped you on the ass when she went to go get a drink. Hey, cupcake, keep looking good. I'll be back in a second. Oh, boy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

All right. In last place with zero points, Robert Oberst. I'll be back in fourth place with one point, Louis J. Gomez. And tied for first place with two points each, Big J Okerson, Ben Avery and Jon Lovins.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They love when Jay scores points. You guys are pieces of shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm lovable.

[Ari Shaffir]

They're happy. Jay scores twos.

[Robert Oberst]

All right.

[Ari Shaffir]

Gross women. Fat, gross women is what I meant. They're rated 2 out of 10.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. Yes. I have a wake in my pants. Hey, story warriors, real quick, let's thank one of our sponsors for today's show, and that is gld. No matter what you're up to this summer, you need to be rocking some good looking jewelry from gld. You know, this is the music festival season. Pool parties, weddings, times. You gotta look good, look your best. And GLD has chains, rings, earrings and watches to elevate any look. And you don't have to spend an arm and a leg on good jewelry. GLD gives you high quality craftsmanship. At a truly amazing price. And there's real gold in every piece and handset stones. This stuff is looking so good. Lewis is out there. In fact, he had to step away because he's getting so much ass thrown at him with these cool, cool Cuban links that him and his son have. Whether it's a simple piece or something a little bit louder or even your own design from the GLD custom shop, you're going to find something you love. They also have DC Comics collaborations as well as a bunch of sports teams. It's really Father's Day birthday. Any kind of gift giving time, this is the place to go. And for a limited time, new customers are getting an insane deal. Not only do you get that lifetime warranty, but if you use the Code wars with a Z W a R Z, you're going to get 40% [e-mail] come on. 40% off with code wars with a Z W a r [e-mail] go get blinged out and thank us later.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Hims for supporting the show. Story warriors. Make some fun stories with hims. That's what I say. Because look, you probably have some embarrassing stories where your penis just isn't working the way that you want it to work. And Hims gives you personalized prescription treatment options for ED with trusted generics that cost 95 less than brand names and their own specific products like Hard mints and sex Rx plus climate control. Jay, you pop them in your mouth, 15 minutes later you got a rock Hardcock. Simple as that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, totally. I have such a rager. I mean, I know you need this. I have a natural rager, which I'm gonna start showing Alex. I talked to her, talked about this. She called me soft. I don't like it. Alex, look at it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Look at it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Alex. Look at this right here. Does that look soft to you? Listen to it. Listen to it. Hit the wood. Yeah, I thought so.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Oh. Oh, look who's quiet now. Oh, you like that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a nice slap sound.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you like that right there? By the way, that's on my mouse pad.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hold on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wood.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Do it on my cheeks. Oh, that's right. Can we kind of make music with your slapping your cheek?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Make an O face right now. Here's my Ready?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow. You can do that too if you Simply go to hims get their simple online access to personalized affordable care, ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more. Hims.com wars with a z that's H I M s.com w a r z for your free online visit today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildenafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Beatrice Specialty, llc. HIMSS is not affiliated with or endorsed by Beatrice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Story Warriors. We want you to love the show for the rest of your life. And that is why you need to be proactive about your health. And that is why we love Superpower. It is a one quick blood draw that tests over 100 biomarkers. You can unlock detailed information about your heart, liver, thyroids, hormones, metabolism, some nutrient levels, or even environmental toxins. Jay was on Superpower when he found out that he's gay. It's actually a real thing that happened.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I can't believe that was in my blood work.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's in your blood work. Well, I don't want to tell you the bad news now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That is terrible that that was in my blood work because, you know, it comes after finding out you're gay and your blood work.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Just visit a nearby lab or have Superpowers send a licensed professional right to your house and they create an action plan just for you based on your results. This is it, dude. I'm 44 years old. As I'm getting older, I am, I'm constantly thinking about how I'm halfway to and I want to extend my life as long as possible. And Superpower is the way to do it. They give you supplement suggestions, nutritional guidance, lifestyle and behavioral adjustments. Really, really cool platform, really cool program. And it's for the one thing that you need more of, which is time. We're all running out of time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't take Superpower because I'm looking to run out of time. I don't want this thing keeping the madness going for any longer than it has to. But if you do, if you're happy with the way things are going, stop guessing about your health and work with Superpower for a limited time. Story warriors are going to get $20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. It is a fantastic service, a great product. Make sure you head over to superpower.com right now and use the code wars with a Z and you're going to get $20 off your membership. That's code W A R z [e-mail] for $20 off that membership. Check it out. Extend your life. Be there for your loved ones. See your grandkids. Check it out right now. Superpower.com code wars for $20 off your membership. All right, let's get back into it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, Story number two.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number two.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're doing great at this part, Alex. I passed out in middle school, and when I woke up in the hallway, I heard the nurse telling my best friend that they'd, quote, carried fatter kids than me before.

[Jon Lovitz]

Ben, Ben,

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm getting Big J vibes on this. Were you ever a fat kid, Ben?

[Ben Avery]

I got up to like 2:35, you know, not that fat. Not like, you know, I didn't want to kill myself, but I'm feeling like. I'm feeling Lovetts on this. This feels like a Lovetz kind of zinger.

[Jon Lovitz]

Fuck you.

[Ben Avery]

Self deprecating. You know, it's funny.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're all kind of fat and I

[Ben Avery]

feel like nurses were meaner back then.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Back then.

[Jon Lovitz]

How old are you?

[Ben Avery]

I'm 33 years old.

[Jon Lovitz]

33.

[Ben Avery]

33?

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, 33. And I'm 68. So I'm 35 years older than you. Yeah, I guess I am. I know I guess I am. But say for the first 35 years of my life, you were technically dead.

[Ben Avery]

That's true. You got me there.

[Jon Lovitz]

Where's Ari? Did he have to take a shit?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, Robert, were you ever a fat kid? Cause you're a big boy.

[Robert Oberst]

I was definitely a chubby kid for sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But the problem is they'd never carried a fatter kid than you. It's impossible.

[Robert Oberst]

I've never.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Six foot eight.

[Robert Oberst]

I've never passed out. That's the other thing. Yeah, but I was a big boy. I was big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn. What?

[Luis J. Gomez]

All signs point to you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There were fatter kids.

[Ari Shaffir]

When did you get J? J? When. How old were you got your nickname Middle School? 17. 17 17. Did a nurse give it to you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, it was the girl who was dating my friend, my other friend named J, and we became Big J. Little J. The bummer of that was he was like 6 1, 200.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Huge dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was Little J. And I was Big J.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's how big you are. Is they still called you Big J? Yeah, I mean, Jay, this is kind of your story to.

[Ben Avery]

But interesting. The. The passing out. That could be a clue. Who's passing out in middle school? Probably someone very nervous, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think ever passed out or dehydrated?

[Ben Avery]

It's not blacked out. They're not on pills. It's not booze. It's passing out.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Jay, you do have a debilitating alcohol problem.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think it's debilitating.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, yeah, I mean, look, I Don't want to be mean, but this does sound like your story.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it is fucking mean to say that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Also you.

[Jon Lovitz]

I think it was Robert. I mean, just get this from. Well, looking at him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna have that scene offense,

[Robert Oberst]

but, I mean, I love it coming from you. Keep it coming, man.

[Ben Avery]

I love it.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, it's not like you're svelte.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah. This is crazy. He's in the middle, by the way.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It is crazy.

[Ben Avery]

This is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Ben Avery]

I feel like we're both in coach and we're being assholes not letting him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ben, you technically feel like he's a wrestler. You technically still haven't met John Lovitz yet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hey, dude, if I was sitting on a plane and he sat in the middle, I would literally get a refund.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I'd be like a black chick on a spirit flight. Get your cameras out. I'm ready to turn this motherfucker.

[Jon Lovitz]

I met him backstage. I thought he was a wrestler. Yeah, he's huge.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's massive.

[Ben Avery]

All right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But I guess I'll get the voting going. I guess I'm going Big J Okerson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's weird.

[Ben Avery]

Do we just go down the line?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, you go whatever you want.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, you can do it as a play to also another Big J. Robert

[Luis J. Gomez]

says Big J Okerson.

[Ari Shaffir]

A first John Lovitz vote.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It could be John Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

I'm voting for Robert.

[Ari Shaffir]

You didn't do anything.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You gotta lock it.

[Ben Avery]

Oh, you gotta lock it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You gotta lock it in. You gotta lock it in.

[Jon Lovitz]

Wait, what?

[Ari Shaffir]

You didn't finish it. Everyone else finished it. You didn't finish it.

[Jon Lovitz]

Oh, no. What? Yeah, sorry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This new technology.

[Jon Lovitz]

I forgot the rules.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's technology from the future, John.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man. This fucking shit lock.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, Robert, look at Big J's acting right now. He knows Netflix is watching.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna feel like a real dumb piece of shit right in front of Netflix with my camera.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex. All of her answers are in Whose story was story number two?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number two belongs to Robert Oberst.

[Robert Oberst]

Yeah, I told you I was a chubby boy.

[Jon Lovitz]

Hard to believe.

[Robert Oberst]

John Davenant, my friend, was. His mom was donating blood, and it was the first time I'd seen a bag of blood. And I did not know that it was gonna do that to me. I closed my eyes for a second and woke up in the hallway, and the nurse was, like, in the room behind me talking to my best friend, and I literally heard her say, oh, I used to work in Hawaii, and they had way fatter kids than this guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Oberst]

True story.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How big were you in middle school? I mean, you had to be a.

[Robert Oberst]

£300. £300. In seventh grade.

[Luis J. Gomez]

In the seventh grade.

[Robert Oberst]

Seventh grade.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And how tall were you?

[Robert Oberst]

I don't know. I was short. I was like a square. I was. I was very short and very big, and then I grew taller, so. Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wow. Yeah. Steroids are a hell of a drug.

[Robert Oberst]

Awesome. You should try them, fat boy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit.

[Robert Oberst]

Oh,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lewis is fat. Lewis is fat.

[Ari Shaffir]

Lewis is fat.

[Robert Oberst]

I didn't mean to do that to you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry. There's fatter kids, Alex.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's fatter kids.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There are fatter kids, Alex. Where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

All right. In last place with one point, Luis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thank you for your support.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Tied for third place with two points each, Ben Avery and Robert Oberst. And tied for first place with four points each, Big J. Okerson and Jon Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

Jews.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're never getting on Netflix.

[Jon Lovitz]

Jay is. You're Jewish?

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's everyone's action.

[Jon Lovitz]

You are?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rosenberg. My mom's maiden name's Rosenberg.

[Jon Lovitz]

I thought you were Mexican.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You were hoping I wasn't?

[Jon Lovitz]

No, but I really did. What's wrong with you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

What's wrong?

[Jon Lovitz]

You're Jewish. Dress like a gang banger. Jesus Christ. He's trying to pass.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex, Story number three.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number three.

[Ari Shaffir]

A five foot three inch man and I were taking a meet and greet photo with a man who was 6ft 6 inches and 400 pounds. He was standing between us and fell backwards. I stepped away to let him fall. The midget tried to catch him and got pulled down and squished.

[Robert Oberst]

I mean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, so many measurements.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If you read this in John Lovett's voice, it's definitely John Lovett's a five foot three man and I swept away to let him fall. We're talking a meet and greet photo with a man who was 6, 6 and 400 pounds.

[Ari Shaffir]

He got pulled down and squished.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't have an argument against you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Nobody else will be doing a

[Robert Oberst]

meet and greet photo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Also, John's from 79. When you can say midget, no problem.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Better time. The best. The greatest generation.

[Luis J. Gomez]

A little person tried to catch him. That's really good. I just realized I do a great John Lumeth impression.

[Jon Lovitz]

I have no memory of this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The end of the story should say dot, dot, dot. That's the ticket.

[Jon Lovitz]

These are crazy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

John, who do you. If it's not you, who do you think it is?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah,

[Jon Lovitz]

Robert.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's Robert.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, I don't know. I don't know how. I mean, a meet greets with someone who's famous and you guys are. Yeah, I can see why you think. No, it could be R. Ari. It could be Ari before Lewis.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm not. I'm not ever in.

[Jon Lovitz]

Oh, you're not in it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But who.

[Ari Shaffir]

But I bet one of your dumb fat friends who's like, I worked out twice wanted to take a picture with you, and that could be a 6, 6, 400 pound guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought, my first thought before Lewis sold like I was taking the Hawaii. I. I thought Robert first just reading

[Robert Oberst]

6, 6, 400 pounds throws it right at me. Yeah, yeah. And I think that's why it was written that way.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He would have just said.

[Robert Oberst]

I would not say 6, 6, 400. I wouldn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you think Joe Lovitz wrote with that kind of energy?

[Robert Oberst]

I missed that.

[Ari Shaffir]

What would you say? He was like a svelte man was

[Luis J. Gomez]

nearby a svelte man, a tiny man,

[Ari Shaffir]

a weakling tried to step to me.

[Jon Lovitz]

I think it's Jay, because who. Who would let a guy fall like that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

All of us.

[Ari Shaffir]

Every one of us. Every single one of us. That part's not a clue.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That does cast a wide net.

[Jon Lovitz]

Let the guy crash.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. This. I mean, Louis, how is it not Jon Lovitz after the way you did that?

[Robert Oberst]

Yeah, I. I know. That's all I can think of now.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If it's not Jon Lovitz, I mean, we should all vote for Jon Lovitz. And whoever story this is did a great job at writing a Jon Lovitz sounding story.

[Robert Oberst]

That's the story. That's Lewis's story.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now I'll tell you, this five foot three man and I were taking a meet and greet for a second, I thought this was me. I thought that was five foot three Kevin Hart. But we've never done a meet and greet together ever.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll tell you why it's not Jay. He has aggressively told me in private that he won't do meet and greets because he disrespects his fans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's true.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He doesn't like his fans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, dude, I live in mystery. Like Axl Rose.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If you want to ever meet Jay, you have to, like, wait an hour after the show because he'll just sit in the back smoking until everyone clears out. And he said this to me. He was like. He was like, if there's like four or five people that wait until the end of the night I'll go out and I'll smoke a joint with him and hang out. So that's the way to get to meet Big Jay. So everyone tonight, just stand outside of that door.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you want to just be somebody I say hi to and high five, or do you want to be my long term friend? Because we've hung out for an hour at the end of the show, I'm socially shy.

[Ben Avery]

I think the setting here, I think it's Comic Con.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Ben Avery]

A giant fat guy. It might be a Comic Con thing. Do you go to Comic Con and do meet and greets ever? Or something like that?

[Jon Lovitz]

I would go to a big Comic Con, but because they pay you a lot. But I haven't been invited.

[Ari Shaffir]

You just got to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I thought for a second you were. I thought you thought that Robert was on Game of Thrones or something. I didn't know what was happening over there.

[Robert Oberst]

Righteous gemstones, motherfucker.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, I. I do stand up, but if they put meet and greet in the thing, I go take it out, Take it out. Because I. I don't know what to say. It's just awkward for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me too.

[Jon Lovitz]

I see.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But John's doing this as well. He's doing a self soothing thing.

[Ari Shaffir]

Stare gently at them.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's touching his face. That's what happens when I. Like I used to be an FBI profiler.

[Jon Lovitz]

But you're touching your face.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm doing my impression of you. You're touching your face.

[Jon Lovitz]

Okay. And here's my impression of you. Hey, everybody. Oh, where's my dick?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

True. I swear to God. Yo, on my life. I happened to close my eyes when you did that and I thought, was it Lewis? I was like, did Lewis move?

[Jon Lovitz]

Where's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Where's my Dead to rights?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where's my dick?

[Jon Lovitz]

Dude, you don't with the masters.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Me and Lovis have it out for each other today. Where's my. I never thought I'd have an enemy in John Lovet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You knew this would come one day.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I got to go. John Loveitz.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If it's you, I'm gonna nut check you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Please. With what dick?

[Ari Shaffir]

You all think it's four Johns across the board and let's see what Johnny boy does. Solid. Robert.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was my first thought. My first thought was. Robert.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's 11:11. Let's wish on an answer.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Ridiculous story number three.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Alex, come on, you retard.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Belongs to somebody.

[Ari Shaffir]

Throw a cookie at her.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So she's going to be Very.

[Jon Lovitz]

Hold on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Leonard. Alex, whose story is this now?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

You guys have to wait for a second.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Ari Shaffir]

Retard, Retard. Retard. Retard, Retard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why do we have to wait? Does G Mike have to spoon up your fucking spit? Fucking. Let's go.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number three belongs to Jon Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

It was so funny. It was after shows, me and Rob Schneider.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit.

[Jon Lovitz]

And in Oklahoma. And this guy comes back, he's like 60, older than me. I don't know. He was huge. As big as you were?

[Ari Shaffir]

Bigger.

[Jon Lovitz]

Even gigantic. And then he goes. He had a cane. And he goes, ah, take a picture, you two. And then he goes. And I'm just like going, let him fall. And Rob's trying to hold him up. And he pulled. He pulled Rob over. Rob's like, ow. Oh, it was so funny.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, wait.

[Jon Lovitz]

Rob's five three.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Rob was the midget. I thought there was another midget in the story. Rob was the midget the whole time.

[Ben Avery]

I thought that too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So Rob was the original midget?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Jon Lovitz]

I called Rob a midget.

[Robert Oberst]

I got it.

[Jon Lovitz]

He's 5 3.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Deservedly so. Deservedly so.

[Jon Lovitz]

He's a great guy, but, you know, he's not what you call tall.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Three stories down. Where are our points?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

All right, in last place with three points, Luis J. Gomez. The game.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's in the game.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Tied for second place with four points each, Ben Avery, Robert Oberst and Jon Lovitz. And in first place with six points, Big J. Okerson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you guys here for one of the nights?

[Jon Lovitz]

I don't get how Jay's ahead. Just cause it's his show and he can read the questions before the game starts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what I accuse Lewis of every week. I never win this game.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We've done almost 100 episodes. Jay has won four times.

[Ben Avery]

Something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like six. It's crazy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Are you guys sponsored by Red Bull? Pink shit.

[Robert Oberst]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lewis is just fueled by it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm fueled by gay Red Bull.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Jon Lovitz]

Doesn't Jay look like big Juan Orkison?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the spray tan talking.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, story number four.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number four.

[Ari Shaffir]

While going for a PR on chess day, Buddy. I'm reading it like I wrote it. It's a wild thing to combine a. I'm reading it again. Alex, set me up again, please.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number four.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you. While going for a PR on chest day, I got stuck in a piece of gym equipment and almost passed out while two other men had to get me out.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, this has to be Robert.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's PR personal record.

[Luis J. Gomez]

PR's personal record.

[Jon Lovitz]

Let's. What is. What's a PR?

[Luis J. Gomez]

A Puerto Rican.

[Jon Lovitz]

A what?

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's going for a Puerto Rican on chess day?

[Jon Lovitz]

A pubic region.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes. What's a PR personal record?

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is like, your highest.

[Robert Oberst]

This is an attack on me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's what this is. This could be somebody trying to write a story to sound like you're the

[Big Jay Oakerson]

only other person here who films themselves exercising.

[Robert Oberst]

Exactly. Exactly what I was thinking.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's not me, I promise.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Come on.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This could be Ben. This could be Ben playing the game right now. Ben. Ben's a smart guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Quiet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Look at his face. He's got a fake surprise face right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you trying to throw it to Ben?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Robert Oberst]

There's two things. Two reasons why.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I know it's Louis.

[Robert Oberst]

I know it's Lewis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Please.

[Robert Oberst]

One, because on the way out here, Big J called me a bodybuilder. That's. That's one. They don't even know what the difference between a strong man and a bodybuilder is. Two, he asked me what I did for a living. He doesn't know what the PR means. You are the only one besides me up here that knows what that means.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Point your finger at me again. Oh, no, table.

[Robert Oberst]

I'm not afraid of you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what? This day's been coming for a while. Just let him work it out. Let him work it out, and then everything's going to be cool.

[Robert Oberst]

Too aggressive. Sorry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Too aggressive. Let me say this as well. Big J also, he does one exercise, and that is specifically a bench press. That is it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not true at all.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What else do you do?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do lat pulls, and I do these things with the machine we got, and I do curls, and I do these thingies, and somebody go like this. I go, Why listen to a podcast for a little bit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, I'll tell you right now, this is not me. Look, I understand why it would sound like me. I know how to play the game very well. It would be a smart move to throw it over.

[Ben Avery]

I think it's you to Robert, because you did this last time where it was you and you tried to say it was me. You doing the same move.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the entire thing without even thinking about the story. He's like a PR on chess day. Yeah, Ben, talk about your clang and bang sessions for me, would you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ben's not a. He's not a small guy. Ben's a big guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's small, but he's. It's Definitely not John Lovet's. Ben Avery or me probably.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, it's definitely one of two people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Or one of us is a genius.

[Jon Lovitz]

It's either it's one of you two, because I. I would never go to a gym and do chest day. I would do bosom day.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

no homo.

[Robert Oberst]

I'm going to.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Look, I'm. I think this is Big J for the same reason that you guys all think it's me. Jay's been playing the game for a while and he's gotten pretty good at the game right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have I now?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, you're the only two that look like you work. He doesn't need to work out. You don't work out. Ari's not playing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[Ben Avery]

True.

[Ari Shaffir]

I've sent many PRs.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Jason, who would have the ego

[Jon Lovitz]

that one of you who would. Who's the big who likes to brag?

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, big old the J stands for. Trust me, bro.

[Jon Lovitz]

I'm setting a record. I'm setting a record.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You guys are idiots. I'm letting you know, Jay. All right, look, it's either Robert just putting the most.

[Ari Shaffir]

Either Robert or you. And if you are still wondering, that means it's you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, it's not. Listen to me. It's. If it could be Robert just putting the most obvious Robert story. Jay, what are you doing? For you.

[Ben Avery]

But Louis, why would he do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can yammer on for everybody else.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Let's stop it.

[Ben Avery]

He's not gonna do two.

[Jon Lovitz]

Pass.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think it's Jack. Guys, stop it already.

[Ben Avery]

Pass out story has it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ah, you idiot.

[Jon Lovitz]

It's per.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, you dumbass. He's gonna pull so far ahead.

[Ari Shaffir]

He doesn't look like it's him now. He does not look like it's it. As of right now, I would say it's not Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, I'll be so happy. Look at his face. I'm sick of it, you dumb idiot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm happy you just got a nihilist. Dude.

[Robert Oberst]

You should have paid if it wasn't.

[Ari Shaffir]

You should have put in robber right away.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Because I could. This is such an obvious robber story that I think it's Big J. Alex, whose story was story number four? Fools.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number four belongs to Big J. Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He did it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This always happens during single points. Just when I get comfortable. I'm gonna get annihilated later.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Damn.

[Ari Shaffir]

You run the gambit.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, we are idiots because look at the two of you go. Who's gonna get stuck in the machine?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. So you so not Louis. Not a machine. So this. My stepfather was a power lifter, and so he had me always, like, bench pressing with him, and he was super into it. And Robert, you probably. They probably have better equipment for a better idea for this now, but to aid you with, like, bench pressing, heavy weight. It was. It's called a bench shirt. And it was a shirt that didn't have any give to it. And it was eight sizes too small for you, so you have to, like, baby powder your body and get it on. And, dude, I went to go get this thing on, and I was trying a new one out. It was a little bit smaller than the last one that I got my last best one. And him and one of his big powerlifting friends were over, and I got. They were trying to get me in this thing. And it got down to where, dude, my fucking. My heart was in my stomach, how much body was pouring out of underneath this shirt. And I went. I started sweating. And I go, get it off, get it off, get it off. And then it started pulling it back up, but it's not coming up. It's, like sticking to my body. So it's up over my arms. Do you see what's happening? It's like inside out now, but over my face. And I'm like this.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Don't talk to me, talk to them. Fuck you. Sorry, sir, I'm not gonna help your story.

[Robert Oberst]

So pissed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's only single points, dude. And my arm slipped like this and I was blocking this thing and I started to fucking pass out and I slid down the wall. And the next thing I remember is my step pop kind of slapped me in the face like, you good, bud. First of all, a stepfather gives you a slap of like, you're not my kid, but if you die, your mother's gonna leave me for sure. I was fine. Never got that PR365. Suck my.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah,

[Luis J. Gomez]

smart play by Big J. Putting in a story that was obviously Robert Oberst. Alex, where are points at after four amazing rounds?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

All right. Tied for third place with four points each, Ben Avery, Roberto Burst, and Jon Levitz

[Big Jay Oakerson]

jumped

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

in second place with five points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This guy saw right through me.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

And in first place with nine points, Big Jay Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If you believe and I believe, and he believes, Jake could win this game tonight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You could be here on one of the nights.

[Ari Shaffir]

Really, we're really doing it. Redbam Lewis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you how bad I want to bring home? The body keeps the score. Brain by my mind and body in the healing of trauma by Dr. Bessel

[Luis J. Gomez]

van der Kolk, please tell me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because esteemed physician Dr. Van der Kolk demonstrates in detail how trauma can manifest itself in so many different ways, such as erratic weight shifts, addiction, lack of focus, and even bouts of anger.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's about me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Providing a definitive roadmap for anyone who needs to begin their recovery.

[Jon Lovitz]

So exciting. Jay, you get to keep the book that you already bought.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Mr. Lovitz, this game is far from over.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Before we tell you why this book.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do need this book.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We are at the halfway point of the show. Let's do some quick plugs real quick and then we're going to get to our second half. John, is there anything you'd like to promote on the show?

[Jon Lovitz]

I'm doing stand up shows with Andrew Dice Clay. We're doing in Phoenix and I do stand up. I'm re. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where in Philly?

[Jon Lovitz]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What place in Philly? That's where I'm from.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, I didn't say Philly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought you did.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, Niagara Falls. But you're close.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, did you think Niagara Falls is in Philadelphia? Was your world scope so small that you thought Niagara Falls? That's what my mom whole world.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what my mom called it when the black kids parents would turn on the fire hydrant in the summer.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh my God.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's outside Niagara's house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's why we're not getting on Netflix.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Y. Thank you, Netflix.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't think she called it Niagara.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

no. Shut up. Terry would never do that. No, no. Terry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Robert, what are you plugging, my friend?

[Robert Oberst]

Just follow me on Instagram and if you're a fat piece of looking into getting to better health, you can check me out on the AmericanMonster.com Hell yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You came to the right place, Ben Avery.

[Ben Avery]

You're a fat piece of shit. Listen to my podcast Lemon Party with Jay Savory and Devin Costa. Thank you patreon.com limitparty and go to my website, Benavery Live. I have a show at the Comedy Store at the end of this month in the Belly River Room. Yeah, I do. I stream on that site. So yeah. Thank you guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big J Greatest Yapper Live tour happening right now. Check me out. Look for a seat near you. It never ends. I'm gone every single weekend. Also check me out on the bonfire five days a week. Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course the flagship show over here at Gas Digital, the Legion of Skanks. We are freaking out. Jon Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

What is that?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hand singles. And what is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We gotta have John Lovitz at fucking skank fest. I say, hell yeah.

[Jon Lovitz]

They're saying that you're a skank.

[Ben Avery]

Huh?

[Jon Lovitz]

They. They're saying that you're a skank.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're all skanks, man. We're a legion of skanks.

[Jon Lovitz]

I don't know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, what does it mean?

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's. Well, it's technically we make the law. We make our logo with our hands. That's the logo.

[Ari Shaffir]

Skanks means like undesirables.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's a. It's a 15 year long running podcast with me, Ari Shafir and Louis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, same lineup on some time. All right, Shafir, what are you plugging?

[Ari Shaffir]

I got a new storytelling show out right now called the End. It's hour long specials of stand up comedy stories told by the greatest comics in the world. Big J Okerson, myself, Tony Hinchcliffe's at the Intuit Dome right now. He's on it. Not known as a storyteller. Anybody but me and anyone but Lewis. It's available right [e-mail]

[Luis J. Gomez]

Guys, check me out on the road if you rattle me this tour, go to my website, louisofskangs.com and if you guys love this show, the most important thing you can do is get the uncensored ad free version that is a pre release every Monday night on gasdigital.com. there's about 70 episodes that are not available anywhere else. You can only get them by subscribing to Gas Digital. Use the promo code war. You save a couple bucks a month, it supports the show directly. And there's also thousands and thousands of hours of other uncensored and ad free shows. And yes, get my book, Knives and Spoons available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Thank you, sir. A memoir. Second half.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We have reached the second half of the show and well, probably most of you guys feel like this sucks and you're not gonna win. But don't worry, you will because for the second half of the show. Well, Ari, you're a former story warrior. Why don't you tell them what we do?

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, here's what gets weird about this part, guys. We've been dealing with. We dealing with the minor with single points. We're about to step it up. We're about to go with double points.

[Robert Oberst]

You suck, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You suck.

[Ari Shaffir]

The only one around a play on that ball. You guided it right into his leg lap.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What type of Dominican are you? You drop that,

[Ari Shaffir]

you're A DH only.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a pretty simple concept we explained in the back before. If you, if you like those points.

[Ari Shaffir]

These points are double points. Hey Ben, how many points do you get for this?

[Jon Lovitz]

Double what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He set you up. That was not. That was not your fault. That was already set you up. That was mean.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I thought I had to then say

[Ben Avery]

the P word after too.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Double pussy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Say double all day long, baby.

[Robert Oberst]

Yeah, he's still skin it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The lovely Ellie Stockholm in the front row. Guys, join our only fans. Join Ellie's only fans. Uni. God knows I am a member.

[Ari Shaffir]

The E stands for error. Dominican.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Laughing at that. I got no choice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pretty simple. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you got the correct person, you got two points. That now of course jumps up to double points.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah, dude. Alex, story number five.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number five.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay, this story ends. Starts strangely starts with Seraphina. Get me obviously another goddamn glass. A bodega cat on the rocks. I've been sitting here dry mouthed for quite some time. Do your fucking job. You. You well titted bitch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That on there.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This could be anybody.

[Ari Shaffir]

This could be anybody. No, that's. That's Alex. No, that's Alex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Guys, we're never getting on Netflix. Stop with the retard jam. You need to stop it. They're here. They're watching.

[Ari Shaffir]

If we can't trust you with, we cannot book a black comedian for this show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, it's funny. When I was on Netflix, the only thing they told me I couldn't say was, I swear to God, we are nailing it. Home run.

[Robert Oberst]

Yep.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, that's retarded,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

John. Love is a skank fest, dude. Make it happen.

[Robert Oberst]

Yeah,

[Ari Shaffir]

in the 1960s, a family member of mine killed a bag of puppies with a hammer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Holy shit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So I guess that's like it's been weighing heavily on your mind.

[Jon Lovitz]

Gee, I can't figure that one out. You're Puerto Rican. Jews wouldn't do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the ones that lost the fight, you're thinking, yeah, Killing a bag of

[Luis J. Gomez]

puppies is the most evil thing a human could do. So it must be a Jewish person. They chanted every time.

[Jon Lovitz]

I feel like west side Story is going to break out in a second.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is the most diabolical story that's ever been on Story Wars.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's fucked up.

[Robert Oberst]

There's only one person up here who was alive in the 60s.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true. But it says it's a family member.

[Ari Shaffir]

I never did it in the 60s.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My mom was born in 61.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you so much. Eventually,

[Luis J. Gomez]

The lovely Serafina, everyone. The lovely Serafina.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Born a man, but all woman now.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hey, Serafina, if you come up to give someone a drink in the future, don't walk away while some other person is going, yeah, me also. Me also. Where's Heidi when you need her?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, seriously,

[Jon Lovitz]

what are you gonna do? What are you doing?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Seraphina's like Heidi's hot granddaughter.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Shots fired.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's right. Kill Tony. Fuck you. And the Indio Dome.

[Ben Avery]

Oh,

[Ari Shaffir]

natural roll.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Natural roll.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Our bullets are hitting the Teflon outside of the Intuit dome.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If we combined all four of our nights here at the Comedy Store, we could have filled one of the little sections at the into a dome.

[Robert Oberst]

Like one.

[Luis J. Gomez]

One little box.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But, man, it would have been a wall after.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they would have loved it. This is a psychotic story. I don't even know. 1960s. Could be somebody's grandpa. Ben hasn't had a story yet. Ben's got a darkness to him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Ben's got. He's very nice. So I met him right away. So I judged him completely based on his actual niceness. But if I step away from that for a second. He's got serial killer glasses.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Domaresque.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's got fucking don't give up mustache. Like, I'm really, like, I'll bring home a guy or a girl. It's a good pull for either one because the mustache says big dick or God or I'm into guys. And the aggressive piano player hair,

[Jon Lovitz]

for

[Big Jay Oakerson]

all those reasons, I'm going with Ben Avery.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Quick voting by Big J. Whoever did

[Ben Avery]

it didn't grow up near a body of water because that would have made a lot more sense.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they would have drowned them.

[Ben Avery]

Right in a river.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I dated a girl and her father drowned a kitten in a pillowcase, threw it off a bridge, tied it up in a pillowcase and threw it off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who are you?

[Jon Lovitz]

Lewis, Before I vote, is it you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, it is not me. This story would haunt me if this was my story.

[Jon Lovitz]

Is it?

[Robert Oberst]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It does haunt you. That's why you wrote it down.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nope. You would have heard about the time that my grandfather murdered a bag of puppies with a hammer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay, I don't remember things. You tell me about what you did. You think I'm remember what your uncle did in the fucking 60s. And also, you just said uncle and it says family member.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I said grandfather.

[Ari Shaffir]

Said grandfather. And also, whatever it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whatever it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm assuming this is a grandparent of Ben. This is my also, I just want

[Ari Shaffir]

to say Lewis said murdered. It could have been assisted suicide.

[Robert Oberst]

It says kill.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's been grandfathers or John Love is his ex wife.

[Jon Lovitz]

You're dead. Me?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Robert, did you deal with any darkness as a kid?

[Robert Oberst]

I. I've always had a puppy. I've always had dogs. And no, I. I would not be cool with this. This is definitely not my story.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, no one's cool with it.

[Robert Oberst]

Somebody up here.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Do you think in this story nobody's

[Ari Shaffir]

like, like, hey, I think someone in here is like, that was awesome.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The way my grandpa. The way my grandpa hammered a bag of puppies to death was so badass and cool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, how were those puppies dressed?

[Ari Shaffir]

If it was Lewis's family member, they would have stabbed him right there.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jon Lovitz]

The person that did it could have been a kid in the 60s, grew up Jay's mom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was easy if you were local Philly radio dude.

[Jon Lovitz]

And that's why you have a stepfather, because your real father did it. Am I wrong? Maybe.

[Robert Oberst]

Checkmate.

[Jon Lovitz]

Maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'll say. I've been podcasting with Big J for a very long time. 15 years. I've known Big J for over 20 years. I think I would have heard about his family member killing a bag of puppies with a hammer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we would have jerked off ass to ass together too.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true. We'll say it again, but slower.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whoever finishes first is gay.

[Ari Shaffir]

Did you use puppy blood for lube?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. One step too far. That's why we're not on Netflix.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah, too blue.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes. Stories like this are not getting us on Netflix. What do you think, Robert? You're being very quiet over there.

[Robert Oberst]

I just don't know what to say, man. Definitely not my story though.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Who are you gonna vote for?

[Robert Oberst]

I'm gonna vote for Ben. Ben's got the same weird posture he had last time I voted for him. And he's right.

[Ben Avery]

Well, I'm trying to give you room, especially if this is in your bloodline. I'm trying to fucking lean away.

[Robert Oberst]

My family wouldn't have needed a hammer.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jesus Christ. I just watched John Lovitz think about leaving

[Jon Lovitz]

just my pants.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

John Lovitz, you are one fault.

[Jon Lovitz]

That was so violent. You have no idea.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They'd be smashing, man.

[Jon Lovitz]

He hit the table. I felt my chest cave in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that put the fear of four noogies into me. That was a real on the bully scale. That was Four noogies.

[Jon Lovitz]

Lewis. What? Your grandfather's name wasn't Adolf.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no, no, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Adolfo. No, my Adolfo J. Gomez. He's named after him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Adolfo hit Liz. Yeah. No, look, this isn't me. I. I also. I'm getting a Ben vibe here, but you guys can. You don't have to wait for us to vote. You guys get your votes. Yeah.

[Robert Oberst]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Do you have any relatives named Perito?

[Robert Oberst]

He's.

[Ben Avery]

He's got the beard. It's the phenotype. You can picture his people doing it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ben votes for Rober.

[Ben Avery]

Waiting, not big J.

[Robert Oberst]

The way you're waiting and the way you jumped out there early makes both of you look suspicious. But I'm still gonna vote Ben.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Robert votes for Ben.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Robert or Ben to me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm lucking Ben.

[Ari Shaffir]

And as well, I think we all think it's definitely not John Lovett's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Son.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no.

[Jon Lovitz]

My family's nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh. But there was that one guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

John Lovett's coming after me.

[Jon Lovitz]

You want to say,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, give John Lovit your tan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Baruch Delanai.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How do I say, you know what?

[Jon Lovitz]

I said, I don't know why, but my dick is on fire.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's always, no, I. I don't know why.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex. All of her answers are in and whose story was story number five? Whose family member killed a puppy? A bag of puppies?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number five belongs to Ben Avery.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I say something before you tell the story? I saw Ben looking at the story and shaking back and forth, thinking at the time, like, in real time, going, I don't know if I should have told this.

[Ari Shaffir]

Guys get stories like that every week on the Lemon Park. It does not get less dark than that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This is. This is the darkest story that's ever been told on the show. But please, Ben.

[Ben Avery]

It was heavy stuff. Was the right. Metaphorically and everything. Look, it was my granddaddy. You know, he's a granddaddy. They do stuff like that. Sure. You know, it's in the name. And I was fishing with my.

[Ari Shaffir]

Was a no, go ahead. I don't think granddaddies are known for that.

[Ben Avery]

It's like a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's right there in the name, dude. He's a granddaddy. He does things for you on a big level.

[Jon Lovitz]

All right, we should hear this. I'm sure it's a very funny story.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Trust the process.

[Ben Avery]

My dad told me this story when I was, like, fishing with my daughter, and he told me this story, and I was like, cover. I was like, let me cover her ears first. Good Lord. But, yeah. I still don't know why he did it.

[Jon Lovitz]

Your dad did it?

[Ben Avery]

No, my granddaddy did it. His. His dad did it. He looked like. It's kind of a funny. It is funny if, you know, he looks like Colonel Sanders. So if you imagine Colonel Sanders doing. Adds a level of.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, now it's funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But he's tragic. Bus time going.

[Ben Avery]

He said, my dad. I asked. I was like, why did he do that? And he goes, they were just hungry. And he. So he just. I was like, so feed them.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So he fed them a hammer.

[Ben Avery]

But. But my dad grew up on a farm with my granddaddy in West Texas, and they just. He told me. He told me like four more stories after that about how he had to go out and, like, kill dogs and shoot dogs. Cause they were strays.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When did he tell you that?

[Ben Avery]

When did he tell me it?

[Luis J. Gomez]

How long ago?

[Ben Avery]

Like six months ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Ben Avery]

Yeah, he told me like six months ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is a story you tell to your son as you're molesting him, letting him know you're not the biggest monster in the family. Hey, at least I'm not your grandfather, right?

[Ben Avery]

We were fishing. It's like a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fishing.

[Ben Avery]

We were fishing. And then, like, right after that, he was like, man, he goes, the Jews are so lost.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cats in the cradle, man. Cats in the cradle.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at?

[Jon Lovitz]

That's funny.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

All right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a crazy story.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

In last place with four points, John Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

Good. I don't want that fucking book.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

In fourth place, with six points, Ben Avery. In third place, with eight points, Robert Oberst. In second place with nine points, Luis J. Gomez. And in first place with 13 points, Big J. Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Anybody's game.

[Robert Oberst]

Still.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Don't get cocky, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not. I know this. I know. I know it happens.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. All right, folks, let's take a quick moment and thank Shopify supporting the show. I love Shopify. I use Shopify for Body Brain coffee. Everyone knows that. And it's really. Just makes it easy. If you are trying to run a business, it's really hard to do everything from running a website to an e commerce platform. And Shopify gives you all the tools that you need every step of the way. I have the app right on my phone. You'll hear it all the time, Jay. You hear that little cha ching? That's my Shopify. Every time I get a sale, I get notified, which is the most fun part of the app, in my opinion. But they have tools that help you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. You must be rich. I've heard that ding go off like three, four times already in the last few months. Is that one sale every time?

[Luis J. Gomez]

One sale every time.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oof.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So Shopify is easy to use tools to help your business grow. You can customize your brand in the Shopify design studio as well. You could run social media campaigns, email campaigns, everything you need all in one place to make your business run smoother. I genuinely use this. I'm not bullshitting. And they have 24. 7 customer service, which is pretty incredible. So it's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com wars with a z. That's shopify.com wars with a Z. Once again, shopify.com warz hey, story warriors.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's take a chance to thank one of our sponsors for today's shows and that is Brunt Workwear. I would have said Brunt Boots, but there's so much more now. Even though they are the most comfortable worn in feeling fantastic boots you're ever going to wear. But now Brunt Workwear also has clothing made for real work. Tough enough for the job site, comfy enough to wear all day. Brun's founder grew up in the trades and wanted to build hard wearing clothes, not a fashion brand. Brunt lets you try your boots on the job and if they're not perfect, guess what? You can send them back for a full refund. That's a 100 risk free trial. As we said.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay, we're supposed to say this. Obviously they pay us to talk about their products. We're not bullshitting you, right? Obviously that's, that's part of this thing. I will never wear another pair of boots for as long as I live. I swear to you. This is, I really mean this. I have a bunch of boots. I have a bunch of expensive, really

[Big Jay Oakerson]

expensive boots that they feel like you're overselling though. You're not going to wear the other kind of work boots. Bronk doesn't make those thigh high stilettos

[Luis J. Gomez]

that you like or my pro wrestling boots for my lucha libre career that people don't know about.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your lucha libre career. Those flat bottom white boots you wear.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh that' right. I do dress up as Gene Simmons in that Kiss cover band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You wear your demon boots. That's right. These are all things Brunt.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Kids.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Detroit Cox City is my Kiss cover band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But if you. Detroit Cox City rules, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We all have our out at all times on stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys are playing. They're playing the Drunken Monkey in in Levittown, Long island this weekend. Make sure you go check them out. Detroit, Cox City, where Lewis will not be wearing brunts. He will be wearing his demon boots but then going home and putting on his brunts to feel comfortable. That's right. Stop overpaying for workwear that doesn't last. Brunt is offering story warriors a huge way to save with their starter kit. Bundle their top boots and work pants for 10 off. How great is that? By going to Brunt B-R U N T bruntworkware.com wars with a Z and then use the code wars with a Z at checkout for another $10 off. 10 off and then another $10 off. If you go to bruntworkwear.com wars and use that code wars. It's a top tier gear for an incredible price. Plus you get that risk free trial so there's no reason not to give it a shot. Go check them out right now. Bruntworkware.com code wars $10 off.

[Luis J. Gomez]

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. We love Body Brain Coffee here at Story wars and you will too. It's premium freeze dried Colombian coffee. A lot of these functional coffees, they don't even use coffee. This is real coffee. We start with and then we other amazing ingredients that help support hormonal balance. Your overall mood, brain function, memory, everything. It is for your body, your mind. It is super easy to drink as well your soul as well. Your butthole of your J. They're individually wrapped sachets so you can bring them on the go. Drink it hot, cold, put it in a protein shake, whatever you need. Right now, go to bodybraincoffee.com use the promo code WAR20WA R20 and we're going to give you 20% off your order today. And if you guys decide to subscribe, we're going to give you free shipping on top of that 20% off. So bodybringingcoffee.com we love it here. You guys are gonna love it as well. Simple ingredients, all natural, keto, vegan, all that shit. Bodybraincoffee.com use that promo code war20. All right, where were we? Alex, story number six.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number six.

[Ari Shaffir]

My last girlfriend was a fat bipolar alcoholic. The sex was great. Thankfully she finally dumped me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My last girlfriend was not fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I don't.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She's all the other things.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, Karen Feehan She's a fucking slobber.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This isn't Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, my last girlfriend was pretty tight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope it's Jon Lovitz. So bad.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thankfully, she finally dumped me. Yeah, that's the thing. Me and Big, like. I know Big.

[Ari Shaffir]

J.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Your last girlfriend was like 20 years ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Well, she probably. I don't remember who it was, but she was probably fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. But maybe now.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, if it's an alcoholic, it means she'd be with a guy that drinks too, and I don't drink.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's terrible logic.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, we're backstage. I'm. You could tell I'm the Jewish guy because everyone's smoking pot and I'm the one eating the tacos.

[Robert Oberst]

It's true.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Robert, what was. What was your last girlfriend like?

[Robert Oberst]

She was not a big girl. I don't want to.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You fucked a tiny girl when he

[Big Jay Oakerson]

was done with her.

[Robert Oberst]

Tiny girls like big guys, man.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[Robert Oberst]

No, my. My ex was not a big girl. I've. I've. I've had big girls, but not my ex. No, my last ex. Not my last ex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ben, what about you? You're married now, but what was your last girlfriend like?

[Ben Avery]

Oh, man, I met my wife pretty young, so my last girlfriend would have been in, like, eighth grade. Trying to think.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My last girlfriend was also in eighth grade. That's pretty sick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's true. Not fat. Not fat, though. Which is crazy because she would crush lunch, pizza.

[Ari Shaffir]

The metabolism of that age is what.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She climbed the rope. It was crazy. Yeah. This is a hard one to pick here because all three. I don't believe it's Jay. And you know, it's not me. It's one of these three boys. I'm getting Robert of verse vibes. I think he had a. He had a big girl that was great in the sack. When you're that big of a dude, you need a big girl. You need a big fat ass.

[Robert Oberst]

When you can pick him up and make him feel small, it's nice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[Ari Shaffir]

Robert. I want you to pick me up and make me feel small.

[Robert Oberst]

Deal.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Robert should submit stories. Like, one time I was walking Harry Potter around Diagon Alley and we found him a wand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man. I would laugh more at that if I wasn't such a muggle. Hey, Turkey.

[Jon Lovitz]

Jay. This first time I met. Well, maybe the second time I met you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Second time?

[Jon Lovitz]

Oh, I don't remember the first time. Yeah, but. I know, but do you. But what was your last girlfriend like?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Your last girlfriend before your girlfriend?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How do We. How do you. How would I figure that out?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, he had a girlfriend and wife that overlapped.

[Jon Lovitz]

If you had a girlfriend, what would she have been like?

[Ari Shaffir]

I mean, if you just stop at fat, it. I mean, you'd think. Jay.

[Jon Lovitz]

If you liked girls. Jay, what would she.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I never had a girlfriend that was a fat, bipolar alcoholic. Individually, I've had all those things.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I don't think this is Big J. I'm. I'm getting Oberst vibes. He's a good liar. We found that earlier on when he said he's never passed out. And now he's. He's smiling. He can't hold it back.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's, like, sweating. But that might be normal.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's just being fat.

[Robert Oberst]

You're sweating, too.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know why Lewis's fast voting makes me think it's him for some reason, but I know that you're. This would be a lie. So it's not you.

[Robert Oberst]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And so, for whatever reason in the world, and I'll be honest with you, I'm just going my gut tonight, and it's doing pretty good for me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You got to go with your gut, Jay. John Lovet. Big J votes for John Lovet. John hates it.

[Jon Lovitz]

I'm going with Big Garage.

[Robert Oberst]

I have no clue.

[Ari Shaffir]

I mean, Jay thinks all sex is great.

[Ben Avery]

Why would I go against Jay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't believe it's even happening.

[Ben Avery]

I mean, Jay's streak is gray right

[Ari Shaffir]

now, so I'm just going with John.

[Ben Avery]

And it's funny. Thankfully, she. You know, it feels like a little Johnny. What?

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, no,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I guess I fucked up then.

[Ari Shaffir]

He looks like he just pushed his chips with a 37 off suit.

[Jon Lovitz]

I mean, to stay with a girl that's fat, bipolar, alcoholic because the sex was great is the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard.

[Ari Shaffir]

John is known for threesomes with models.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your reputation precedes you.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Robert locks in his vote with Big J Okerson.

[Ari Shaffir]

We're gonna need a ruling on this.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, this will be interesting, Alex, whose

[Luis J. Gomez]

story was story number six.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number six belongs to Jon Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, it might have been fence. The sex was really great. Why else would you stay with someone I'm admitting as a fucking idiot?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Tell us more about this girl. What was her name? Where was she from?

[Jon Lovitz]

Her name was. Well, I don't want this to get back to her. I could tell you her nickname.

[Robert Oberst]

Sure.

[Jon Lovitz]

No. Well, I mean, she was. She was. I mean, I don't know why I stayed with her. She was mean. She's Always making fun of me down below. You know, you're small. You're small, you know? And I don't know, I mean, if I'm in doubt or not. I mean, I was standing next to a horse the other day, completely nude, and the horse said, damn, but we were in bed. And I said, you think my balls are small? And she goes, you mean those two peas hiding behind your clit?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was mean?

[Jon Lovitz]

No, but it was her. I said, it's not me.

[Ben Avery]

You.

[Jon Lovitz]

It's you.

[Ben Avery]

You're.

[Jon Lovitz]

Your vagina is so big. You know, last night she was sleeping. A plane landed in it and crashed into another plane.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Jon Lovitz]

No. Her vagina was so big. There's a possibility we're in it right now. Good night.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Good night. The great round. Love us. Great story, John.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah, she was.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Where are our points at? What a game. Are you guys having fun? What a game. Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Tied for fourth place with eight points each, Roberto Burst and Jon Lovitz. In third place with nine points, Luis J. Gomez. In second place with 10 points, Ben Avery. And in the lead with 17 points, big J.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They're so excited. Look how happy they are.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, who's in second? Who's in second? How many? How many? Second half.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Second place has 10 points.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, there it is.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But there's two stories left. This is truly anybody's.

[Jon Lovitz]

But I have one quick. Jay. How did you know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I told Jay.

[Jon Lovitz]

What made you think that was me two nights ago.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I said, jay, trust your gut. The first thing you think, just keep with that. Stop changing your answer. And now he's doing that tonight. So I'm winning. Technically,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lewis taught me. Now I have the glow.

[Jon Lovitz]

Big J Okerson. Hidden Jew,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Undercover Jewelry.

[Jon Lovitz]

What's your real last name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not my real last name. It is my real last name. Okerson, but my mom's maiden name is Rosenberg if you guys want to get in my bank account.

[Jon Lovitz]

Oh, oh,

[Robert Oberst]

oh.

[Jon Lovitz]

I thought you changed it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, story number seven.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number seven.

[Jon Lovitz]

Jay, where do you hear it?

[Ari Shaffir]

I held. I held a man in my arms while he died in a parking lot.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Was the man heavy or was the situation heavy?

[Jon Lovitz]

No, that's the. Who would hold a man in his arms, trying to take advantage of him sexually as he's dying? I held him in my arms. And kissed me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay, it is very. Yeah, I would be inappropriate. Yeah. Once I see the eyes go dead. Then I go, five second rule. And I touch their wiener. I go, still warm.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, I don't want to keep on going back to the well and saying that me and Big J have known each other for 20 years, and I would know if he ever held the man while he died in a parking lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You remember the story? I told it to you. And then it started raining and I ripped my shirt open and screamed in the head, heavens, why, why, why? Take me, Lord.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, this is a crazy story. Ben did put in that extremely dark story before. This could be a theme of dark and heavy situations.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It could be very much.

[Ben Avery]

But I don't know, man. I think I'm too homophobic to let it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

To hold a man.

[Ben Avery]

To hold a man. I'd be like, get a little bit. Give me some space. Just a little bit, you know, I don't want to touch. Would you touch a guy's crotch as he's dying? Like, press him into you, you know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I want to send him to the Pearly Gates, Right?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You think it's me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not Lewis. I would know by the time Lewis held.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Held a man while he died. Is crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Could be Ben. I think it's Robert. I think he was doing security for something and something terrible happened and he had.

[Robert Oberst]

I ain't never held no man in my arms, bro.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just watch him die. He goes, tell will you tell my family that I love me? He goes, not involved, bro.

[Robert Oberst]

I've done security, a lot of security, but I've never held a man while he died. No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He tried to do the thing where he, like, he closed his eyes, but he crushed his skull.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm still alive.

[Jon Lovitz]

Lewis, where are you from?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, I was born in Patterson, New Jersey, which is one of the roughest towns in the world.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Sing the song, Bruce Springsteen.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And

[Jon Lovitz]

I grew up.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is, you know, not that tough, but.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go. Bob's down road Rockland County.

[Jon Lovitz]

Were you ever in a gang?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's when me and Susie went down to the old malt shop.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry, John.

[Jon Lovitz]

Were you ever in a gang?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Was I ever in a gang? How racist are you? How do they let you be on television for all these years when you're actually a racist?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was when SNL was all white.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, were you never.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I technically wasn't a gang in the seventh grade. In the seventh grade, you called it. It was a gang. Yes, but, you know, we were all in gangs in the seventh grade, weren't we? Did it school have a parking lot?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. We weren't on the of Bulos like you.

[Ari Shaffir]

I also Want to know from the guy who's dying perspective? He's like, I'm dying. And then some guy just, like, puts you in his arms, like, bro, what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's going to be okay Buding this.

[Robert Oberst]

Can you give me a woman?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Call the ambulance. Don't. Don't touch me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, get the off of me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Get your gay hands off my body.

[Ari Shaffir]

I want this being Jay, just because I don't know if you guys know what it's like in New York, but if you get a parking spot, if someone's dying in there, you're like, get out. Hold him and reserve that parking spot and all circle.

[Jon Lovitz]

True. No, but, Louis, you. You didn't used to box. You said, I'm sorry. You used to box, right?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes, I boxed a man to death and then held him. Killed a guy in the ring in a parking lot.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, I'm.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You think that wouldn't precede who he is first?

[Jon Lovitz]

No, that's what I'm. I'm saying. Saying boxers are very, like. I know Mike Tyson forever. He's a very sensitive guy, but he's a fighter. And you're like, a fighter, which means you're very sensitive. So I think you're the only one that would have the guts to help someone and hold them as they die.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He would.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, I. I wouldn't hold a man as he died if I. But it just isn't me.

[Ari Shaffir]

All right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would. Guys. I would also hold a man if he d.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I genuinely think Big J has nailed this. I think this is Robert doing security at some sort of, like, concert, some Metallica show. Some kid got trampled in the mosh pit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And then he literally.

[Robert Oberst]

I used to. I've done security a lot. A lot of security for a lot of different people. I've never had to hold anybody in my arms from security or any of that. No. I worked at rough clubs. Like, people.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's a dog thing where they. It's called rough club, and they'll let the puppies come by. You got like, a chardonnay while you're there, too?

[Luis J. Gomez]

And then Ben's grandpa comes with a hammer and fucking smashes their fucking heads in. Fucking rough club.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just banging a bag of puppies against a tree.

[Jon Lovitz]

You worked at a rough club? Did Lewis show up when he was 12?

[Robert Oberst]

Exactly.

[Jon Lovitz]

Let me in. Let me in. Fake I.D.

[Robert Oberst]

lewis J. Vibes. For sure.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Robert Oberst. Oh, that's the answer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It could be Lewis. Because quite honestly, I don't know his stories, because he just goes right through Me, somehow I actually think he was strong.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I'm saying, Robert, I'm so sorry,

[Jon Lovitz]

but if it's Lewis, I'm not racist.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

It's true.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Everyone votes for Robert on this story.

[Ari Shaffir]

Steph Lewis. I've generally found when everyone votes for one person, either that guy dominated or it's that person.

[Robert Oberst]

What else could it have been?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you just gave the two options.

[Ari Shaffir]

The fact that Robert was the only one to call me on that makes you guys all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what I love about coin flips? Oh, you're either gonna get heads or tails, baby.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, whose story was story number seven.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number seven belongs to Robert Oakler.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is it exactly what Big J said?

[Robert Oberst]

Oh, no, it wasn't. Security. I used to. In college I worked at a group home and it was for adults. And I'm gonna change the guy's name cause he was a. A good dude. But there was an adult that lived in there named Jim. And when I got hired, they told me like, you are the presence we need in this house. And I didn't know what that meant, but what it meant was Jim used to terrorize everyone that worked there. Cuz he had a four foot dick like it that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, I know the plate. Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Does makes life tough.

[Robert Oberst]

And Jim used to beat it again

[Jon Lovitz]

against the wall

[Robert Oberst]

all day. So I mean, anybody else that was working had to go wrestle it out of his hands. When I was working, I just knock on the door, hey, Jim, knock it off. You know, he liked me. But after you liked you that much,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

he would have kept going.

[Robert Oberst]

After about a year of working there, Jim got sick and it was back in the day of MapQuest and we took him to a doctor's appointment and this is about to get dark. Took him to a doctor's appointment and they wouldn't take him because he was really fucking sick. And so they were like, you got to take him to an er. So I carried him, put him in the car and we drove back to the Office to get MapQuest directions. And as she was printing out the MapQuest directions, I looked over and his lips were turning blue. So I pulled him out the car and I held him as he passed away. Right there, there.

[Ben Avery]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Was it raining?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you rip your shirt open? Did you waste that moment? Do you only get a couple of those in your life, tops?

[Jon Lovitz]

And then did you take a picture of his dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Next to a wine bottle? Taking a kid?

[Luis J. Gomez]

That was a heavy story, I will say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Where are our points at? 7 stories down. Alex, this is Jay is running away with this game right now.

[Jon Lovitz]

Lewis, I'm sorry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's okay, John. We're gonna be friends after this.

[Jon Lovitz]

I thought you were the Sharks.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Alex in last place with eight points.

[Robert Oberst]

Points.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Roberto Burst. In fourth place with 12 points. Jon Lovitz

[Ari Shaffir]

put the points up. Mike

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

in third place with 13 points, Luis J. Gomez. In second place with 14 points, Ben Avery. And in the lead with 21 points, Big J Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Now, just so you guys know, technically, me and Ben are still in the game. We can catch up to Jay, John and Robert. It's. You know, you guys, you can play Giant killer at this point.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Giant killer. Always play giant.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They always play Giant killer.

[Ari Shaffir]

They can catch up, though, because of the double points. They can catch up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Those points could possibly take you home. The Body keeps score. Brain modded and body in the Healing of trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Trauma is not personal failure. Don't think that the body keeps the score shows us the road to recovery comes from letting go of the past and rebuilding your sense of safety and control. With this book, you can reclaim your past. Build your future is a stick out. Build your future.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're all looking at Ari. Stick as out and reward your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your brain and your body with ultimate peace.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We have one more story. You guys ready for your final story? Come on, Los Angeles. Alex, story number eight.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number eight.

[Ari Shaffir]

While my ex was going through drug detox and rehab. They don't respect you at all. Alex set me up. Again.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number eight.

[Ari Shaffir]

While my ex was going through drug detox and rehab and was also helping her mother cheat on her stepfather whose. Whose three biological children just moved in with them because their mother died in an accident. I dumped her. My.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, my love life is very well documented. This is not my story. This is the same fucking fat alcoholic bitch that John used to be.

[Jon Lovitz]

John, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was me. Helping her mother cheat on her stepfather whose three children just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'm thinking. I don't think this is Lewis.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It could be Ben. He's sinister. I don't.

[Ben Avery]

I think I would marry her. I don't think I dunk.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think Ben has been with his. That's a true story. You actually have been with your wife for a very long time.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah, we met in college. So, like 20 years old. Yeah, 13 years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, but that's.

[Jon Lovitz]

It couldn't be Jay because, you know, you're a fag.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hey, let me break it real quick

[Jon Lovitz]

about your old girlfriend.

[Ari Shaffir]

You went Let me break it real quick. How many women here think they're an 8 or above? No. Okay, but then I have no announcement. Live by the rules. Die by the rules.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I think this is Ben or John. This is what I'm getting. I think this. If it's John, it's the exact same woman that was in his last story.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, see, you're forcing me to go back to yose.

[Ben Avery]

I think. Wait, in that story, did she dump you or did you dump her?

[Jon Lovitz]

My story.

[Robert Oberst]

The first story.

[Ben Avery]

Yeah.

[Jon Lovitz]

I wasn't gonna d. She dumped me. The sex was great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That fat bitch.

[Jon Lovitz]

She was sexy, but except for that cellulite behind her knees, you can get past it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, if. If it was. That would be crazy. If it was John, he's helping his ex.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Ex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And her. Her ex's mother was cheating on her stepfather. These people are 90 years old. There's no way this is John.

[Jon Lovitz]

Well, read it. Her mother helping her cheat on her stepfather whose children just moved in with them because their mother died in an accident. Yeah. Hello. I'm Jewish. That doesn't happen with Jews.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This does.

[Luis J. Gomez]

A hard one.

[Ben Avery]

Sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have you. Priya.

[Jon Lovitz]

Lou. Lou Lou. Louis. Louis J. Gomez.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You guys are just. You guys are retarded. Actually, the whole crowd, they could just be guided into anything.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude, if we.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If we.

[Ari Shaffir]

If we get Lulu Lou as a chant going, we could. We could do the next Saudi Arabia festival.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guys, Netflix is a

[Jon Lovitz]

Louis J. Gomez. Louis Jew Gomez.

[Ari Shaffir]

The jazz stand is for Jew.

[Jon Lovitz]

Deny it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I mean, I'm. I'm really torn here. I. I think this could be. This could be.

[Robert Oberst]

Ben.

[Luis J. Gomez]

This sounds like a. A young crazy in college. She was going through some drug, helping her mom, cheating her dad. I'm going. Ben. I'm gonna put the answer in right now. That's what I believe deep down inside.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna go with you because I don't. It sounds like you, but I don't. I would know this.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You would know it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Boom.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Big J locks in. Ben.

[Robert Oberst]

Oh, John.

[Ari Shaffir]

Love song, Luis.

[Robert Oberst]

Wow.

[Jon Lovitz]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Lots of Louis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If they're right, I'm a bad friend.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You are.

[Jon Lovitz]

No, because you seem like someone who would help somebody.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Thank you, John.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's eight stories down to our final story. Alex, whose story was story number eight.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Story number eight belongs to Big J.

[Robert Oberst]

Let me.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Let me just say this before. Before Jay tells this story, before we over the points, it's obvious who won. Jay. With the exception of me voting for him one time. Jay just played a perfect game. It's Not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's not a perfect game. It's not a perfect game.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's as close we've gotten.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The closest we've ever had to a perfect game.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Alex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Jay's also the only player to ever score zero points.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

One point short of a perfect game.

[Luis J. Gomez]

One point shy of a perfect game. The best game anyone's ever played. You guys are here on a historic night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He is us. He is us.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He is us. He is us. He is. Dude, they are so happy when you win.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, that was a wild game. Dude, I've been drinking since 2 in the afternoon. Well, let me tell.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Speech, speech, speech.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the speech. The speech has to be the story. So. Yeah, when I was just out of high school, a girl. What happened? A girl. A girl I was dating for a while now. When I started dating her, she had told me that she was a former heroin addict. And I was like, you know, whatever keeps that ass in shape, babe. I don't give a shit. It wasn't love yet. Almost got you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Already had my phone.

[Jon Lovitz]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And yet her family was at meth. Her mom was cheating on her stepfather with another guy and she would like help her mom, like lie about it. And then out of nowhere, her step siblings had to move in because their mother died in a car accident and all this crazy shit was going on. And then I guess my ex girlfriend started doing heroin again. And then her mom called me one day and said, she's unresponsive in bed. I want you to come here. So I ran there as fast as I could and she was laying in bed, unresponsive, alive, breathing. But I shook her with my hand and she farted. And at that moment I knew we were done. But I helped her mom scoop her into a car to get her off to wherever she took her. That was the last time I saw her.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Alex, make it official. Where are our final points? Big night here.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

In last place with eight points, Roberto Burst.

[Robert Oberst]

I thought I was gonna kick your guys asses. I fucking swear.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

In fourth place with 12 points, Jon Lovitz.

[Jon Lovitz]

Thank you. Boy Jay winning. This is like Bob Barker winning. The Price is Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

From an outside perspective, I can see how that feels that way.

[Jon Lovitz]

What a small. What are the odds?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lower than you think.

[Jon Lovitz]

You really want. Want this book? You need. You need this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do need the book, Alex.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

In third place with 13 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Jon Lovitz]

Texmax. Tex Mex.

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

Second place scored 14 points. And your winner tonight with 29 points, Big J. Okay, Jefferson.

[Robert Oberst]

Alex.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is that. Is that the highest regulation score that we've had?

[Alex (Producer/Narrator)]

I do not believe so. No.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Never mind.

[Ben Avery]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The only person who ever got a zero and the highest score. Thank you all so much. That feels fucking dope. And one of the nights happened here at Netflix's the Joke Festival. You were here on one of the nights. How about a big round of applause for our amazing panel, everybody? Ben Avery, Robert Oberst, the legend.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

John.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Love it. Of course, everyone's favorite Jew, the great Ari Shapir.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you, everybody. Watch me every week on Legion of Skanks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. For Story Wars, I'm Big J Okerson.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I'm Blay Gomez.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Until next time.

[Ben Avery]

Peace.

[Jon Lovitz]

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