100. Brian Quinn, James McCann, Ari Shaffir | Milestones

Summary

Story Warz Episode 100: Milestones

Podcast: Story Warz
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Brian Q. Quinn, James McCann, Ari Shaffir, Ms. Pat (special guest drop-in), Brian Redband (narrator)
Date: July 3, 2026
Theme: Milestones
Location: Live at Netflix Is a Joke Comedy Festival, The Stand Comedy Club, NYC (with references to LA timing)

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Episode Overview

This centennial episode of Story Warz celebrates major milestones – both in the podcast’s journey and the personal lives of its celebrated comedian panel. Performed in the chaos of a packed, late-night comedy festival setting, the group faces off in the infamous game of deceptive storytelling, with extra antics, surprise guests, and escalating mayhem befitting the 100th show. The evening includes raw confessions, wily stories, and a barrage of roasts, with a particular focus on mishaps and "firsts."

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening Moments & Introductions

00:59 – 07:00

• Luis and Big Jay kick things off to a raucous festival crowd, noting delays thanks to Shaq's earlier set and celebrating four sold-out festival shows.
• The panel is introduced: Ari Shaffir ("two-time Story Warrior"), James McCann (making his debut, "Black Israelite" special), and Brian Q. Quinn ("Impractical Jokers," "Tell 'Em Steve Dave").
• The group acknowledges how late it is ("It's 4 o'clock in the morning New York time" – [04:07], Louis J. Gomez) and jokes about fatigue setting in.

Quote:
"Dude, I just turned 50 like a month ago, man. This is way beyond my comfort zone. I should be in bed with, like, asleep while Law and Order SUV plays in front of me."
— Brian Q. Quinn ([06:01])

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2. Game Explanation & Milestones Theme

07:00 – 10:00

• The rules of Story Warz are explained: Panelists submit stories on the night’s theme (Milestones), eight are chosen to read and debate, and the goal is to convincingly deny or claim each, scoring points for correct guesses and fooling the others.
• Tonight’s prize: a baby’s word book (101st Words), lampooned repeatedly for its perceived innocence versus the panel’s storytelling depravity.

Quote:
"Every week here on Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library... 101st words is a book designed to help babies and toddlers learn everyday words like mama, dada..."
— James McCann ([08:49])

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3. Round-by-Round Story Warz Game

First Half Stories – Single Points

Story 1 "Left the Country, Ran Out of Money"

12:59 – 19:14

• Story: Left the country, ran out of money, ex-girlfriend wired $300 via Western Union.
• James McCann immediately blurts out it's his, misunderstanding the rules ("You're not supposed to admit it's your story!" – [13:25]).
• After hilariously chaotic deliberation, it’s revealed to be Luis J. Gomez’s story.
• Luis gives a candid, outrageous recounting: he ran out of cash in Amsterdam after spending it all on "hookers and weed," called an ex for money, then learned his mom died when he got home ([18:27]).

Quote:
"Thank you. And I had to call my ex girlfriend, it was a fat girl named Katie, and say, hey, can you please Western Union me $300? I need to get food, more hookers, and weed. And she did. And then also, when I came home from that trip, I found out my mom was dead. What a story."
— Luis J. Gomez ([18:27])

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Story 2 "Birthday Bath"

20:41 – 26:50

• Story: Age 11, in bath, mother enters to give present, protagonist flips out, feels guilty after.
• Lots of joking about bath-age and family boundaries.
• Guesses fly; consensus is it’s Quinn, but it’s actually Ari Shaffir.
• Ari details: The family burst in with a birthday song and a Kodak camera while he was naked in the tub ("It was way out of line. I'll defend that. She shouldn't have done it. But I was so upset because they were just trying to give me a present." – [26:34])

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Story 3 "Mall Santa"

31:44 – 38:29

• Story: First entertainment job was playing mall Santa in early 20s.
• Wild speculation especially about who would call it "the entertainment industry."
• Revealed as James McCann; describes being a young, underqualified Santa in Melbourne, visiting Italians’ homes and grossly underpaid, wearing poorly fitting costumes in the summer heat ([38:21]).

Quote:
"They gave me toothpaste to make the eyebrows white and it'd drip down into the eye. It's fucking rotten. ...No one was happy to see me as Santa."
— James McCann ([38:21])

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Story 4 "Thrown Out of Own Party"

40:39 – 50:54

• Story: Got kicked out of own party by the venue manager for drunken trespassing in the kitchen.
• Lots of heckling about which panelist is likeliest to get thrown out anywhere, especially out of their own event.
• Brian Q. Quinn is finally outed as the culprit; details his "Impractical Jokers" S2 party, firemen friends instigating a brawl, and everyone (himself included) getting ejected.

Quote:
"The network threw us this big party...I stepped into the kitchen to make a phone call, and the venue manager started screaming at me for no reason. And then a bunch of my guys from my firehouse was there... They took a swing right at him. We all got thrown out. It was fucking crazy."
— Brian Q. Quinn ([50:07])

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Standings at the Halfway Point

52:53

• 1st: Luis J. Gomez / Ari Shaffir (6 pts each)
• 2nd: James McCann (4 pts)
• 3rd: Big J Okerson (2 pts)
• 4th: Brian Quinn (1 pt)

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4. Halftime Mayhem & Doubling Points

53:00 – 58:00

• Quick plugs for everyone's tours, podcasts, and projects, with extended banter about the "uncensored" nature of Gas Digital ("You don't censor it at all?!" – James McCann, [55:56]).
• Midpoint rule change: Double points for remaining stories, raising stakes for the second half.

Quote:
"For the first half of the game, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. But that now jumps forward to double points."
— James McCann ([56:59])

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5. Second Half: The Game Escalates

(Double Points Begin)

Story 5 "Anal Miles and Stones"

61:29 – 69:13

• Story: Had anal sex with girlfriend, she accidentally pooped a pebble, ran away, drove around to find her ("that story has miles and stones").
• Intense speculation, spirited scatological riffing, and giggling over word puns.
• After multiple guesses (and echoes of similar stories), Big Jay Okerson owns it. He details: "A Raisenet of shit... she literally threw her pants on and ran out of the house and just like [disappeared]." ([68:06])

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Story 6 "Spit in Mouth, Later Hookup"

73:25 – 77:28

• Story: After breakup, girlfriend’s best friend (furious) attempts to spit in their face but accidentally spits directly in their mouth. A year later, they hook up.
• Suspicions fall on Luis for his past "dirty" stories but it’s revealed as Brian Q. Quinn – who proudly confesses he liked it and reciprocated a year later.

Quote:
"I'm gonna answer the only two questions that matter. Yes, I got hard when she spat in my mouth, and yes, a year later, I spit in her fucking mouth."
— Brian Q. Quinn ([77:12])

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Story 7 "Malaysian Animated Porn Roommate"

79:31 – 83:51

• Story: First time living out of home, roommate is a "morbidly obese Malaysian man who would watch animated pornography at the kitchen table."
• Massive confusion about the existence and proximity of Malaysia, puns about "mall Asian."
• Confirmed to be James McCann, who describes dirty-dish hiding, stealing underpants, and being traumatized against Malaysians for years ([83:17]).

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Story 8 "Didn’t Graduate, Lied to Family"

87:29 – 93:02

• Story: Barred from walking at graduation due to failing class; tells family he chose not to walk.
• Several panelists relate. After final suspense, it’s revealed as Ari Shaffir’s "milestone" moment.

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6. Surprise Drop-Ins and Mayhem

Throughout, especially [45:02 – 48:36]

• Ms. Pat interrupts the show to roast the panel’s masculinity and, especially, James McCann’s "tiny" exposed penis after an impromptu flash:
  "If that was big, it ain't no black people in the world. That shit was so little, you scared me. That shit wasn't even suckable. I would swallow that. I'm serious." — Ms. Pat ([45:02])
• Miss Pat’s comedic bullying is a highlight; she describes "the first time I ever seen a white man pull out a pussy" ([47:44]).

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7. Championship, Roasts, & Final Scores

• Ari Shaffir claims his third Story Warz victory, officially achieving "most wins in Story Warz history."
• Brian Q. Quinn and others lament their low scores or near-misses, James McCann debriefs his humiliation by Ms. Pat, and the hosts bask in the chaos of a truly unhinged landmark episode.

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Scoreboard Recap (Final)

95:14 – End

1. Ari Shaffir – Winner! (15 pts, 3x Story Warz Champion)
2. Louis J. Gomez (14 pts)
3. Brian Q. Quinn (13 pts)
4. Big Jay Oakerson (12 pts)
5. James McCann (4 pts)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Jay’s playing a different game right now." — Louis J. Gomez, on Big Jay’s increasingly sneaky strategies ([69:13]).
• "This is literally a game where you win by showing your dick." — James McCann ([39:11]), after his impromptu flashing.
• "You're giving your penis away. I'm just showing it one on one." — Brian Q. Quinn ([92:05]).
• "Double points! Fuck you." — Brian Q. Quinn, fed up with bad luck and roasts, to the crowd ([61:00]).

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Episode Takeaways

• Story Warz at 100 episodes is a festival of anarchic, late-night energy, with comics spraying stories and insults in (and out of) character.
• Ari Shaffir emerges as the all-time champion – but the episode’s real winner may be the audience who bask in live chaos, improv, and unexpected flashes (literal and narrative).
• The panel and crowd thrive in an environment that's as much about camaraderie, confession, and humiliation as competitive storytelling.
• The episode shines as a milestone for the brand: unpredictable, explicit, and utterly inimitable.

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For New Listeners

• Expect fast-paced, off-the-cuff hilarity and absurd openness.
• Sensitive topics and adult content feature heavily, as does live audience participation.
• This episode offers a comedy crash course in storytelling, one-downsmanship, and the joy of bearing all (in every sense).

Not for the faint of heart – but a wild, unforgettable landmark celebration.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

Before we start today's game, you should know that me and Big J Okerson are both touring stand up comedians. And we both have tours going on right now. Come see me on the Rattle Me this tour. Coming up next, I have Baltimore, Maryland, July 10th and 11th. Then I'm going to the Denver Comedy Works South July 24th and 25th. I'm very excited about that. Never been to Comedy Works. Let's sell those shows out. Right after that, I got Lafayette, Louisiana and Lake Charles, Louisiana. Go to louisofskangs.com and see me on the Rattle Me this tour.

[Big J Okerson]

You can go to bigjcomedy.com for all my dates on the Greatest Yapper Alive tour. I got Winnipeg coming up, Governors Levittown. I got so many dates, I can't even look at them right now. But go see me soon. BigJComedy.com Coming to a city near you. Let's start the show.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Fill her up.

[James McCann]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Netflix is a joke comedy festival. Now it's Story War with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Coleman.

[James McCann]

Oh, holy shit. Los Angeles, California, make some fucking noise in here, please.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fourth sold out show right here at the Netflix is a joke comedy festival. We are starting a little bit late because of Shaq.

[Big J Okerson]

Boo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fuck you, Shaq. They would have never disrespected Shaq this way.

[James McCann]

I fucking bodied him, dude. You weren't even here. I fucking body his ass up. Thank you guys for being here. Thank you for waiting and being patient with us because you do happen to be here on a pretty big night. This is the 100th episode of Story Wars. With that said, how many people here are familiar with the game Story wars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Boo.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's Shaq in the back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, I've never seen this game.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It doesn't make sense.

[James McCann]

If you're unfamiliar with the game or it's your first time listening at home, we'll explain it to you. It's a very easy game after we get our amazing panel up on this stage. Your first contestant with a 2:2 record on Story Wars. He has a new show called the End available right now on his website. And also a special Jew is available on Netflix as we speak. Make some noise for the great Ari Shaf. Our audience rules. Dude, it's one o' clock in the morning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ari, we are. We're so happy to have you back. You are two and two. You are a story warrior. You've look, you've been two time Story Warrior. Two time Story Warrior. You know, you know how to play the game better than most. Are you excited? Are you trying to go for a third win tonight?

[Ari Shafir]

No, Louis, I'm coming just to fucking hang out. Dumb fuck.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't think about the question before I asked you.

[James McCann]

You really did. I know. That one just fell out of your face. That was bad.

[Ms. Pat]

Hey, you came.

[James McCann]

You stayed up this late. You're here.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Hey.

[Ari Shafir]

All right, maybe you gonna say words on tonight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's 4 o' clock in the morning New York time.

[Ari Shafir]

So late.

[James McCann]

It is 4 o' clock in the morning New York time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My brain is not working right now. Our second competitor making his Story wars debut. He's got an amazing special called Black Israelite on YouTube. Clap your hands as loud as you can for James McAn.

[James McCann]

Thank you for having me. Oh, dude, you have all that. You have all that energy because where you're from, it's fucking two in the afternoon right now or something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's two in the afternoon on Tuesday.

[James McCann]

Yesterday, we almost didn't start this fucking show till 2 in the afternoon. What are we doing? We're at the world famous Comedy Store. We can't move people in here a touch faster.

It's borderline insane.

I got a story for you. I almost died of dementia waiting for this show to begin.

Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. Last but not least, our final competitor of the evening. You know him from the Tell him Steve Dave podcast. You also might know him from a little show called the Impractical Jokers. Why don't you make some noise for the great Brian Q. Quinn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The man, Dude. Hey, guys, thank you so much for

[James McCann]

being here, my man.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm so happy to be here. I've been waiting for years for you guys to call.

[James McCann]

We made you wait until 4 in the morning, your time.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, it's Friday night. Dude, I just turned 50 like a month ago, man. This is way beyond my comfort zone. Yeah, I should be in bed with, like, asleep while Law and Order SUV plays in front of me.

[James McCann]

Yeah, really? It's gonna be one of. God knows what we're gonna say because we're not gonna know what the fuck we're doing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We are all delirious right now.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, it's wild.

[James McCann]

No, fuck that. You guys are here for the 100th episode of Story Wars. That's why it starts at 1:00am 1 00.

[Ari Shafir]

Jay, I'll tell you, as a former door guy here, I'm gonna explain to you, what happened? They had one door guy working, which was not enough, and four door guys were smoking weed in the back parking lot.

[James McCann]

And then the one person was delicately seating one person at a time.

[Ari Shafir]

He's waiting for that first tip.

[James McCann]

But we're a couple. If you're unfamiliar with the game Story wars and you're here, it's your first time listening at home. It's a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, milestones.

Ah,

this crowd's fucking exhausted.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, they're in, dude. They're fucking hyped. Look at them, dude. I will say look right here in the front row, our favorite Story wars fan who's been here every night of this festival, Ann. She's 75 years old. She sends me nudes on Instagram. Ann, Ann is an old whore.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And she's ready to fucking rock. If you're trying to get laid tonight, Anne' offering free handies after the show.

[James McCann]

Just know she's a little sore. She just got her clit pierced this afternoon. She's a wild one. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read eight of those stories, and they're going to pop up here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. If it's not your story. Well, if it's your story, you're. Man, I'm tired. Wow. Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

100 times you've done this.

[James McCann]

I know. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. So it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when your story pops up, that is a very big moment. You really want to get as many points as possible because you can get four points. In that case, once you lock your answer in on the tablet right here and slide your finger over, that's it. You can't change your answer. You put it right here in this slot, and I'll tell you right now, this is so much fun. This is the most fun you're ever going to have in a live podcast. I know there's a few people, including Shaq, that have never watched the show. We're gonna have so much fun. But we're not playing for fun today. Jay, let him know what we're playing for.

[James McCann]

Every week here on Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner takes home 101st words. 101st words is a book designed to help babies and toddlers learn everyday words like mama, dada, please, and help. It uses bright photos, familiar gestures, and simple categories to make early language feel fun and easy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What do you think they have for the N word in here?

[James McCann]

It's the only word in my head right now. Think of any other N word.

[Ari Shafir]

The last book I won on this show was the Cub Scout Handbook. Information handbook. Yeah. And this is gonna take my pedophile game to another level.

[James McCann]

Yeah, no, that was good. That got him started in the game. This is like the LSATs for pedophilia.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Why is the word no ripped out of this?

[James McCann]

I think everybody who's gonna get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. But we're gonna have a great fucking 100th show. Is this crowd ready for war?

[Brian Redband]

What the fuck is this shit? What is this? You guys are doing a little comedy show on a stage? How? Fucking first it was funny, fag or whatever. That show is on Netflix. Now it's you guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Red Band.

[James McCann]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Red Band. We didn't even know you were in the back just now.

[Brian Redband]

What? I can't hear it because your sound quality. What is this? Red band 2017?

[James McCann]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

Redband. You've been on other live podcasts?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Brian Redband]

I'm not gay enough for you, bitch.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh,

[Louis J. Gomez]

buddy, if you say one more fucking thing, I'm gonna drag you at it by myself, I promise you. Oh, it is the second one. I will personally drag you out. I heard you three times. Say some shitty things already. We are all about love here on Storywars. I will fuck you up, sir. No, no, sir. You're a piece of nobody. And I mean, nobody wants Tony.

[Brian Redband]

Why don't you wear that?

[James McCann]

That guy just got Lewis's Fury at the club. He was waiting to have someone give

[Louis J. Gomez]

me a Kill Tony shirt.

[James McCann]

Yeah, look at that.

[Brian Redband]

Why'd you wear that little. It's a free shirt. He has to wear it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ari has never looked more like a holocaust victim when his shirt is off.

[James McCann]

Yeah, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Holy shit, Ari, when you take your shirt off, you should turn into black and white.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Ooh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, Red Band, you are a legend in the world of podcasts, and you've been producing and hosting some of the best podcasts in the world.

[Brian Redband]

Thank you. Where do I go here?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm over here.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, I'm on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Welcome your guest narrator, Brian Redband. Come on.

[Brian Redband]

I thought it was on the side of the stage.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Oh,

[James McCann]

Are you guys playing to fight that guy?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

We're going to jump after the show.

[James McCann]

You go low, I'll go high. All right. Well, now, Alex, please. Story number one.

[Brian Redband]

The first time I left the country, I ran out of money and had to have a girlfriend. Western Union me $300 so I could afford to eat.

[James McCann]

Now, I might not fully understand this game, but that is my.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, wait, hold on. You're not supposed to admit it to your story. Is that your story?

[James McCann]

Why isn't my name on my own iPad? You can't vote for yourself, but it's my story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hold on, James. James, you're not supposed to say that. Oh, we're supposed to play the game and then figure it all out.

[James McCann]

Don't you want to hear more about this excellent story that doesn't seem there were other interesting things that happened?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you're supposed to pretend that it's not your story. Oh, and then we figure it all out.

[James McCann]

See, I would never be so silly as to do a thing like that. It's more of a Ahri kind of story. I think

[Ari Shafir]

I will tell you. The fees in Western Union are not worth it. That's not the way I would go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

DHL or nothing. I, I, I, I.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Am I supposed to have a frame of reference for this, or just.

[Ari Shafir]

We just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guess we just. Well, you're supposed to talk. You're supposed to talk it out. You're supposed to ask questions.

[Ari Shafir]

Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, sir.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, let me show you. Have you ever had a girlfriend? Would you ever accept money from a woman?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I would never accept money from a woman. Everyone knows that.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I would never do that. But here's. I mean, look, I. I used to be broke, but I wouldn't even know. I didn't even know Western Union was a real thing that exists anymore.

[James McCann]

Yeah, me either. Is that like, on horseback?

[Louis J. Gomez]

How would you. Western Union. This is like an old person thing. Big J is almost 50. Q is 50. Ahri's 78 years old today, everybody.

[Ari Shafir]

It's my birthday.

[Louis J. Gomez]

6, 7, 8.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

6, 7, 8.

[James McCann]

Happy 7, 8, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do they have Western Union in Australia, James?

[James McCann]

No,

[Ari Shafir]

they for sure. It's everywhere.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's obviously James's story. James, you have to pretend it's not your story.

[James McCann]

It's not my story.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

God.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Just out there.

[James McCann]

I'm gonna tell you something.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

What sort of money do they use in Australia?

[Ari Shafir]

Dollars?

[James McCann]

Stop obfuscating Brian.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm just asking questions.

[James McCann]

Is it like, it's a Brian story, I believe?

[Ari Shafir]

Could be.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Brian. I'm just saying, if it was koala bucks, like, you wouldn't write $300.

[James McCann]

That's the sort of racist bullshit that a man who couldn't even afford to eat might say. Hey, man, I'm locking in Brian. Bitch.

[Ms. Pat]

Woof woof, woof.

[James McCann]

Come on.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

This is. What the fuck is this? The Arsenio Hall Show? Like, what is happening?

[James McCann]

What's the Arsenio hall show?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's that? Who's that?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Who?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Huh?

[James McCann]

Yeah. Arsenio who?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Brian, when's the first time you left the country?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I was 14. I went to Italy.

[James McCann]

But a girlfriend when you're 14 wouldn't Western money.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But he can also lie. You guys also can lie at any point, right? It's like the giver. You're allowed to lie.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We don't know about your past.

[Ari Shafir]

You come from parts unknown.

[James McCann]

I mean, Staten Island, I think.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know it.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

So am I lying or am I telling the truth that it was 14 when I left the country for the first time?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We don't know, damn it.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Right?

[James McCann]

There are wheels within wheels.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

That's right. It's a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not Jay. It's not Lewis.

[James McCann]

No. I'm going to tell you why I'm bad at this game. I think ultimately is because James said it's me. I think he made a mistake and said that. But still a part of me goes, it's Ari.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think this is Ari?

[James McCann]

That's why I'm bad at the game,

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why I think everything is screaming that James didn't understand the game until just

[James McCann]

now, and now he's covering up.

[Ari Shafir]

You think James is, like, playing it slow?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, if this is an act, this would be the craziest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

[James McCann]

You can't lock it in.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, I know.

[James McCann]

I'd change it to our though if I could. Now that I think about it, I

[Ari Shafir]

can't because it's locked in.

[James McCann]

Well, there we go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I'm just choosing James.

[James McCann]

I think it's Ari. I'm fucking taking a swing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really? James McCann is my answer.

[James McCann]

I'm either gonna look awesome right now or like a fucking dildo.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm gonna do Ari.

[Ari Shafir]

Jake just reset his computer.

[James McCann]

How?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know. Fucking painted nails fucked up the system.

[James McCann]

Yeah, it's not how electronics work, Ari.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It has a homosexuality magnet built into the tablet.

[James McCann]

Homosexuality magnet? I don't think so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think so. Alex. All of her answers are in whose story was story number one?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number one belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn. I did accept money from bitches for a very, very long time. I had no shame in it. In my early went to Amsterdam with my friends, my buddy Gene Kelly, my buddy Dan Doherty, and this Jewish kid Jake that we took advantage of and we put. We had to use his credit card to rent hotel rooms, and then we ordered room service the whole time on his credit card. But we ran out of money because we spent it all on hookers and weed in the first two days. Thank you. And I had to call my ex girlfriend, it was a fat girl named Katie, and say, hey, can you please Western Union me $300? I need to get food, more hookers, and weed. And she did. And then also, when I came home from that trip, I found out my mom was dead. What a story.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

What a story.

[James McCann]

That was pure karma. That story had a karmic ending, and it was crazy.

[Ms. Pat]

Wow.

[James McCann]

He was like, we abused this kid and stole his credit card and fucking did his thing. And then I called this fat bitch to give me money and God swiped my mom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thanks for the assist, James. I appreciate it.

[James McCann]

Yeah, I actually really didn't understand the game, but by misunderstanding it on purpose, I really fundamentally, on a deeper level, misunderstood the game. So you won't get me again. I'm coming. I'm coming for everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, one story down. I know where our points are at, but where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

All right. All alone on the board. In first place, with four points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's doing ketamine. He's got a real ketamine problem these days.

[James McCann]

Time to blast off, dude. To win this,

[Louis J. Gomez]

we should do a ketamine episode of story wars.

[Ari Shafir]

100%.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It would get wild.

[James McCann]

That's my mom.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

She's dead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. Story number two.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number two.

[Brian Redband]

On my 11th birthday, my mom came into the bathroom when I was taking a bath to give me my present. And I lost my shit and started screaming at her to get out. But then I felt really bad because I really wanted that presentation.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who are you doing an impression of?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, what is Tony Hench?

[James McCann]

I thought you just made a creative choice.

[Ari Shafir]

It would seem like a creative choice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

On my 11th birthday, my mom came into the bathroom while I was taking a bath.

[Ari Shafir]

Lewis, when did your mom die?

[Louis J. Gomez]

My mom died when I was. When I was in Amsterdam. I wasn't 11.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know how you puerto Ricans do shit.

[James McCann]

It's true. You did have a mustache when you were 11.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I had a mom when I was 11, but my mom also stopped giving me birthday gifts around that time.

[James McCann]

So I hope more. She stopped giving you baths?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that was my birthday present.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She would sponge my balls.

[James McCann]

11th birthday, came into the bathroom.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Who do I direct my questions to? Anyone?

[Ari Shafir]

Anyone?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Anyone. Listen, did you ever get the present?

[Ari Shafir]

Did you ever get the present?

[James McCann]

Brother, I don't know what to tell you. This ain't me.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, well, you were telling the truth last time, but you never. What did you get for your 11th birthday? Do you remember?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Boomerang.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you remember?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Might have been.

[James McCann]

Come on.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah,

[James McCann]

I had a very late puberty, so I wouldn't have been as worried about mum coming in the bathroom at 11. That's an older. That's a younger. You know what I mean? It's when you hit puberty, you go, oh, Mum, get out. You're gonna see my penis in the bath. You know that's the first year of puberty. You go, ah, Mum can't see my penis anymore. Is my accent too strong? Do people not understand what I'm fucking saying? When you hit puberty, mummy doesn't get to see your penis anymore. And I had a very late puberty. So who here had an early enough.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How late was your puberty?

[James McCann]

Oh, boy. I was the oldest soprano the boys choir ever had.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[James McCann]

Can I tell you something? I think this might be Q, this might be Brian. Because I think what this strikes me as.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Statnye on families. Overbearing mother, something like that. Really?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Nothing in that story says that the mother was overbearing. She just came into the room.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, the kid was overbearing. To be honest.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Kid sounds problematic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The kid's a fucking asshole.

[Ari Shafir]

Takes a fucking bath.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A bath at 11 is also pretty crazy. Yeah.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

What are you doing? Like, just take a shower and jerk off like everybody else.

[James McCann]

11.

[Ari Shafir]

I feel like they were luring their mom in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I will say Jay is. Jay was a little mama's boy for a very, very long time. I see Jay playing with a fucking rubber ducky in the bathtub. Doing this with his hair a lot.

[James McCann]

I was 11, I wasn't retarded. I fucking played with Toy, but like GI Joes or something. Like Rubber Duck.

At 11, you were playing with GI Joes?

Yeah.

What toys you play with as a kid really don't help form. You know what I'm Saying, but you got the hair, you got the gloves.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you would assume he was playing with Barbies. I know.

[James McCann]

At least My Little Pony man.

[Brian Redband]

No Cobra.

[James McCann]

No, no, But I would. I would have made my GI Joes the Barbies, but it looked they were bizarrely, proportionately wrong. You know what I mean?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also, the Barbie's legs, they don't spread. You have to like split them, which is very weird. A weird way GI Joe.

[James McCann]

GI Joe is only this big, so he has to get up on a counter and just have her bend over, if I'm being honest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, yeah, you could do doggy style with a Barbie, but her knees don't bend. So standing up doggy style or edge

[James McCann]

of the bed, missionary.

[Ari Shafir]

I feel like this one's big.

[James McCann]

I think it's cute.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I always thought that GI Joe earned the right to sit back and just get ridden by Barbie.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

Because he fought for this country.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah. Yeah, he did.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Yeah.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

The did Barbie do?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone's voting for Brian right now. Brian Q.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Everybody's voting for me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I think it's him.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Oh, you guys are crazy if you think it's me, because it ain't. I'm going back.

[Ari Shafir]

Lewis didn't get presents ever.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

That's what he wants you to think.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was. That was a crazy waste of vote. Now I think it's Q only because I feel like he has no. He had no intention with his vote. He was just like, ah, whatever it is, is, man.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

That's a. You want to. You want to double down on that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There we go. Brian Q.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Oh, guys. You guys don't know what you're dealing with yet. You guys don't know what you're dealing with.

[James McCann]

It could have been. It could be you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought it was Big J the whole time.

[James McCann]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was my first instinct. Alex, whose story was story number one?

[James McCann]

What are you barking at me for?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number two belongs to Ari Shafir.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Look at that. Look at that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like, Ari, you have such a big dick, but I wouldn't want to have whatever is between your legs. I wish my dick was that big, but I don't wish my dick look like that.

[James McCann]

Maybe I. I wish it was a prettier proportioned one.

[Ari Shafir]

Maybe I misunderstood the game.

[James McCann]

Well, it is about milestones. That was the first naked cock on Story wars.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

All right, 99 and 1.

[Ms. Pat]

Damn.

[James McCann]

What was the present?

[Ari Shafir]

The present was a Kodak camera. She walked in with the rest of the family and they all started singing Happy Birthday and I was livid. I was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why?

[Ari Shafir]

Why?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were in the bathtub.

[Ari Shafir]

I was in the bathtub. It was way out of line. I'll defend that. She shouldn't have done it. But I was so upset because I was like, now I feel bad because they were just trying to give me a press.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But I.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It was a weird choice on their part.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it was a weird choice.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It was a weird. What if you were taking a. There's almost no options that are good in the bathroom.

[Ari Shafir]

What if I was jerking it?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

You were either jerking it taking a. Or taking a bath, which was the

[Louis J. Gomez]

only three options at seven. Oh, maybe.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Anyway, do I get points for that? Because everybody guessed me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no points for that.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

But I fooled you guys.

[James McCann]

I also misunderstood the game.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I thought that I was getting.

[James McCann]

It's an easy game.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I thought I was getting like all those points. Points.

[James McCann]

It turns out you have to show everybody your penis. That's the game I didn't understand. I can't wait until it's my turn to show my.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I remember this. That's how we got impractical jokers.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm a Pinus.

[Brian Redband]

Jewish presents aren't as good as regular presents though. So, like, everyone needs to, like, do the math on that.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

What's the difference?

[Ari Shafir]

Seraphina, Much better job.

[James McCann]

Third night is cool.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Well, as the two stories, what are our scores?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

All right. Tied for first place with four points each, Louis J. Gomez and Ari Shapir.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Wow. Not great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, folks, let's take a quick moment and thank Ridge Wallet for supporting the show. Ridge Wallet is the last wallet you're ever going to need in your entire life. Really cool wallets. This is the only wallet that I'll ever use for the rest of my life. Over 50 colors and styles and high quality materials like titanium, leather and carbon fiber. Really, really cool. I mean, they're. It's a slim front pocket wallet. You put your cards right in it. You can do a money clip style. You could do the band style as well. You have the band one. I rarely have cash, but it is great when you do have cash. But really, really cool. This is a great gift for anybody in your life.

[Big J Okerson]

They also. Every wallet comes with RFID blocking technology. I know. I've been trying to steal Lewis's identity. A 99 day risk free trial and a lifetime warranty. We've been using the wallets for years, but now they also have key cases, rings and portable chargers. They even make waterproof luggage and backpacks. They make quality products with everything they do make sure you check them out. And for a limited time, story warriors get 10 off at Ridge by using the code wars with a z at checkout W-A-R Z. Just head to ridge.com use that code wars and you're all set.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, Story warriors, let's thank Factor Meals for supporting the show. I'll tell you right now, look, I'm, I'm not a great cook. I do, and I do an okay job, but I don't have the time, energy, I don't have any of that to go and figure out how to make really amazing quality meals. So when I'm trying to eat something that's really great and delicious, Factor comes in so handy. They're designed by dietitians and prepared by real chefs. There's no planning, no cooking, and they're ready in just two minutes. Jay they have a brand new menu all the time. They change the menu options. You never get bored of it. And no matter what your dietary restrictions are, they have you covered.

[James McCann]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I've been using Factor for years. I have no to. We always get home late, even the days that we are in town. And often, you know, you can't just keep ordering out. It'll be so unhealthy for you. Factor Meals are inexpensive and they're delicious. I mean, perfect sized portions. They're not small, not small portions at all. And they're, it's just quality, quality products and you feel like you didn't do something so shitty for yourself. Head over to FactorMeals.com wars50off that's W A R Z 50 of FF. So it's FactorMeals.com wars50OFF and use code wars50OFFOFF to get 50% off. And you get a free daily greens per box. New subscriptions only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details. Hey, story warriors, let's thank one of our sponsors for today's show and that is Ultra Pouches. What if you could unwind with no nicotine and no caffeine, just the good stuff? Well, Ultra pouches work for your brain and body. With a blend of nootropics and vitamins built for focus and mental clarity, Ultra Pouches power you through the workday workouts. And when you're on the go, they stay hydrated and don't dry your mouth out. And there's no dizziness, no stomach rumbles, just clean energy and five amazing flavors. Cool mint, wintergreen, tropical watermelon and the all new blue razz really is great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I love ultra pouches. I already use nootropics. Alpha GPC is the. The sort of the star ingredient of them, which I really, really love. I have the tropical and the watermelon ones. I. I was bummed out because I don't want to take nicotine or caffeine in pouches. Right? So everyone has.

[Big J Okerson]

You want to take that in your butt?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I had to take it all in my butt. Now you don't have to do that anymore. You can actually put the patch right into your lip and look cool like everyone else. They also have their brand new line of sleep pouches, which is really cool. They're built for clean, natural rest. Pick up your Ultra patches today and see what the buzz is all about. Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. And sorry, warriors can use Code Wars W A R Z Wars with a z to get 15 off@take ultra.com. that's takeultra.com for 15 off with the code wars. All right, where were we? Alex, story number three. Wait till she says story number three.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Brian, story number three.

[Brian Redband]

My first job in the entertainment industry was a mall Santa in my early 20s.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think Jay was a mall Santa?

[James McCann]

I didn't look like this then. Could see anybody up here, it would.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Well, I mean, you know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, it wasn't Ari.

[Ari Shafir]

We could all pretty much. We could all pretty much say, this is not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ari's out.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I guess you would think it would be a husky. Do they celebrate Christmas in.

[James McCann]

We don't even have Christmas in Australia. Yeah, and when we do, it's not Santa Claus. Let me tell you that.

[Ms. Pat]

That.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you got there?

[James McCann]

It's a guy wearing blackface.

[Ms. Pat]

And. Yeah.

[James McCann]

We call him Mr. Obama. And what he does is he kills old people.

But through. Through the chimney.

No, they go up the chimney afterwards.

[Ari Shafir]

First job in the entertainment industry. Who would say the entertainment industry?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, what type of person would say

[James McCann]

so what sort of fact. Insane guy who can say what a

[Ari Shafir]

truly interesting thing to say.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I don't think that anybody has ever heard the word entertainment industry out of my mouth. It's not me. That's kind of insulting. Also, you need a husky gentleman. A husky bearded gentleman.

[James McCann]

I thought they'd be more fat when I reached.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys are the same person.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, yeah, we're both from Weird Islands. Yeah, I'm from Staten Island. He's from Australia. It's Australia, right?

[Ari Shafir]

No, that's not part of the game. You're Allowed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do they actually have Santa Claus in Australia?

[James McCann]

We do have Santa, yeah. You'll call them Father Christmas, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Father Christmas. Do they work at the mall? Like, can you go sit in his lap at the mall?

[James McCann]

We don't call it a mall.

[Ari Shafir]

He could literally tell us anything about his culture, we would just believe him.

[James McCann]

We call it the indoor high street. So how do you like that? We go, let's go visit Father Christmas at Ship Shop Town. We'll all have our raspberries, go for a skip.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, it could be Lewis. Just because it's, like, what he was drawing up money at. Any way he could.

[James McCann]

Who's hiring him as a mall sit?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I could be a good mall.

[Ari Shafir]

How the fuck is that thing?

[James McCann]

No, you couldn't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ho, ho, ho.

[James McCann]

By God, he's very good at that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Merry Christmas.

[James McCann]

Yeah, Santa got a tanning bed in the North Pole. I'm the only Santa that comes down your chimney and takes your toys. Oh, ho, ho, doggy.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Jesus.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's this? Your mom's peeing.

[James McCann]

Go back to bed. You're just dreaming, son. That noise means your mom's happy.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do Big J. You're gonna do Big J? I'm gonna do Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J's crazy.

[James McCann]

Crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

He didn't used to have that hair.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because I would know if Big J was a Malster Santa. You would know if Big J was the Mol Santa.

[Ari Shafir]

I would know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's no hiding that.

[James McCann]

Yeah, I think it's. God damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We can't all vote for the same person over and over again.

[James McCann]

Eventually it's gonna be true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it.

[James McCann]

Broken clocks, right?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

How do I not get points for all I like? I, I, I should be getting points here. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

If people miss. Miss. It should be some level of points if you make people guess.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, this might be McCann.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a McCann.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

He. Well, he said he's giving his. It is him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's the game now.

[Ari Shafir]

Episode 100, everybody.

[James McCann]

And the story belongs to whoever just stands up with their dick out. Q, I forgot to tell you that on the text.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's Father Christmas.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not you.

[Brian Redband]

It is.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's not me. No, I said it wasn't me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whose story was story number three?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number three belongs to James McCann.

[James McCann]

Woof, woof, woof, woof. I was so scared. It was smaller than it normally is. I had to put it away very quickly.

[Ms. Pat]

Quickly.

[James McCann]

It's usually a very big penis or.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And it was. It was uncircumcised.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

No, I had. I had a very mild circumcision in my early 30s.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought. I think I. I thought I saw a baby kangaroo's head poking out of me.

[James McCann]

Come on, now. Come on now.

Let's move on.

Joey, what have you done? What have you begun? You've changed the show for the next hundred episodes, let me tell you that.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't wait for episode 200 where it's vaginas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, so tell us this story. This was your first job.

[James McCann]

I was very poor, and I couldn't believe they gave one to me. It was a terrible Santa company. It was mall Santas. It was also going into people's homes. So. Yeah. So, I mean, a big part of that is. Italians love showing off that they have money but do not want to embarrass themselves by dressing up as Santa Claus. So they will hire somebody to come and do that for them in Australia. So I had to go around to the outer suburbs in Melbourne on public transport because I couldn't drive yet. No. I'd have a suitcase with me, and there'd be elves who were getting paid less and were really sexually quite exciting. And, yeah, big extended Italian families would come and sit on my lap. But also some more work, man. Terrible fucking company. They gave me shoes that didn't fit. It's really hot in Australia, so they'd give me toothpaste to make the eyebrows white and it'd drip down into the eye. It's fucking rotten. They said my glasses were too cool to be Santa, so they gave me other glasses. And when they're like, just try not to look through them. They're gonna fuck up your eyes if you. That's like 22. No one was happy to see me as Santa.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were a young Santa.

[James McCann]

They went in old film. Oh, hello, everybody. I'm Santa. I couldn't do it. It was deeply embarrassing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, in Australia, do the kids think that Santa has an Australian accent?

[James McCann]

Sort of.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey. Oh.

[James McCann]

Oh, fuck. You're getting fucking heaps of coal, mate. You fucking dog. You fucking dog cunt. I'm giving you cowl.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ho, ho, ho. Alex, where are our points ahead? After three stories, this show is off the fucking rails right now.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't remember any time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

100 episodes.

[James McCann]

Time check. 2. 37 in the morning. It's not.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I have at no point understood what was going on around me.

[James McCann]

You gotta show your penis when you're weird.

Yeah.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Okay. Okay. Thank you, buddy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[James McCann]

I thought it was pretty funny. Cut and dry.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah. No, I now I get it. I. Nobody put it so bluntly. Thank you.

[Ari Shafir]

I. I think mine is pretty cut and dry.

[James McCann]

Ah, hell yeah. But that's. That's by religious law.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, Imagine having a wet dick. Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

After three clean sweeps in a row, tied for first place with four points each, Luis J. Gomez, Ari Shafir, and James McCann.

[Ari Shafir]

Really?

[James McCann]

Get Ryan. Me and you are watching this book go through our fingertips.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Oh, man. I was fucking Ms. Rachel and all

[James McCann]

that in 101st words. Ms. Rachel emphasizes that learning is to speak is one of the biggest milestones in early childhood. The book encourages repetition, pointing, and sounding words out loud, helping babies connect language to the world around them one word at a time.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah,

[Ari Shafir]

I just like reading. I just like smoking over you when you read.

[James McCann]

Oh, okay. That just terrifies me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Anytime we can't see you, we are like, where's his Ari going? What is he doing?

[James McCann]

Yeah, yeah. Watch my six. Ari's here.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Can I get a cigarette? Can I. Is anybody got. Yeah. Thanks, bud.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex. Story number four.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number four.

[Brian Redband]

I was once thrown off my own party by the venue manager because I was drunk and trespassing in the venue kitchen. The party went all.

[James McCann]

Without me, Brian. Was that Nick Nolte?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Wait, what was this? Wait, what was it?

[Ari Shafir]

I was just thrown out of my own party by the venue manager because I was drunk and trespassing in the venue queue kitchen. The party went on without me.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Okay, you think I have. I deal with venue managers.

[Brian Redband]

No, no, no.

[Ari Shafir]

I was saying that, Brian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, okay.

[Ari Shafir]

It was more like read clearly.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

That I would throw. That I would throw a party with a venue manager. Party? Yeah.

[James McCann]

Venue manager.

[Ari Shafir]

Drunken chestnut. Honestly, that could be anybody.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

If. If you're.

[Ari Shafir]

If it's your party and you live it right, you're going to the kitchen.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Well, what. What type of party was it?

[Ari Shafir]

But, bud. Well, it was. I was celebrating the release of my new storytelling show. This is not happening. It was a few years ago. And. And, yeah, we had a. An after party at Cheetahs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And.

[Ari Shafir]

And I went in the back and. And.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Cheetahs. Oh, what happened

[James McCann]

now? No, it's not Ari.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's not Ari. Sorry, what. What is your definition of drunken trespassing in the venue?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm assuming they went into an area where they weren't supposed to go. Yeah, the kitchen.

[Ari Shafir]

The quotations means. That's what they said about him, right?

[James McCann]

Yeah, they said. They said I was drunk and trespassed.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

The party.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They got thrown out and the party kept going. Jay, if this was Jay's story. It's not that I wouldn't know the story. It's not that crazy of a story. It would be so mortifying for Jay that he wouldn't be able to hide that.

[Ari Shafir]

And Jay also would never come out with him. He's such a. That he'd be like, wow, you guys have to go. We're all thrown out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We all have to leave.

[James McCann]

We all gotta go now. Guys, guys, they're saying we gotta go.

[Ari Shafir]

No, I heard him say you. I heard him just say, just you.

[James McCann]

Yeah. I've never been drunk and kicked out of anywhere.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

I think I gotta think this one's Brian. The reason is because it wasn't me. None of us can afford a party at a venue.

[James McCann]

Yeah. That's what I'm feeling, too.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Well. I mean, a bowling alley has a fucking manager.

[Ari Shafir]

I could see it as Lewis as well, for sure. He would just go, I fucking run this party.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm allowed to go wherever I want. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I've never been there. I've been thrown out of a few bars in my day.

[Ari Shafir]

Any venues.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. But not. Not during my own party. It's happened. Having sex in the bathroom. Doing blow in the bathroom. Rolling a blunt in the bathroom. Thank you.

[James McCann]

Pick another room, dude. I love doing all those things by other people's piss sticks. Little piss stickies all over the floor. I mean, God damn it, I'm gonna say Brian again.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Four in a row, you guys.

[James McCann]

I'm going to mix it up because we're on the lead. We're tied on the lead. I'm high. Strategy. If we split it up now, the person can only get to three.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

You see?

[Ari Shafir]

No, not that. Unless we all get wrong.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We can all get wrong.

[James McCann]

That's true. It is Brian, though.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's my. It's definitely my story.

[James McCann]

At some point. It's got to be Brian.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's got to be me. I'm actually shocked. It hasn't been me yet.

[James McCann]

No. We've gone a whole game without somebody's story getting really.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Three each.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It doesn't have to be pulled. But I. I am getting a Brian vibe on this one.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you. Are you asking to speak to him or are you saying it's his story? Is this person.

[James McCann]

The tone isn't changing.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Did a crow fly in here or some.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that Ms. Pat?

[James McCann]

What is going on?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that Ms. Pat?

[James McCann]

Ms. Pat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, okay.

[Ari Shafir]

I knew when I heard someone say Ori. It must be Miss Pat.

[James McCann]

Miss Pat, everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great. Miss Pat.

[Ms. Pat]

Why Y' all white boys up here showing y' all little bitty dicks.

[James McCann]

Mine is usually a lot bigger than it was, sir.

[Ms. Pat]

If that was big, it ain't no black people in the world. That shit was so little, you scared me. That shit wasn't even suckable. I would swallow that. I'm serious.

[James McCann]

Ms. Pat, I promise I don't know

[Ms. Pat]

where you was at when God was giving our dick, but I promise I

[James McCann]

have a good sized penis most of the time.

[Ms. Pat]

That was all nuts, nigga. That was all nuts.

[James McCann]

James, what's happening to you right now is every white guy's nightmare. Like, literally.

You gotta stop. I'm gonna. If you keep talking like that.

This is the nightmare people wake up with.

I didn't know this could happen outside of a video.

[Ms. Pat]

He ain't got enough to suck, but he got enough to teabag a bitch.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I was gonna ask her how much he charges.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, I know your shit. You ain't got nothing. I seen that shit. You Jewish. Y' all ain't got no dick.

[James McCann]

Ms. Pat, you think all these dick is small?

[Ms. Pat]

He's got a lot of money.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ms. Pat, he had a pretty big dick for a white guy.

[James McCann]

You think Ari's dick is small?

[Ms. Pat]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ari.

[Ms. Pat]

Ari. That's why nobody black up anybody black in this room with some dick

[Louis J. Gomez]

we have.

[James McCann]

By the way, that guy did this.

[Ms. Pat]

You m. I'm talking about a real black man. I'm talking about a black man that can run this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're figuring out story wars has no black fans

[James McCann]

or it's black guys that are not confident in their dance.

[Ms. Pat]

My daughter in the car. I'mma go get her dick. I just wanted to say hi. I had a show at the Bellesso, so.

[James McCann]

Oh, yeah.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Hey. Hey.

[Ms. Pat]

How you doing? I wouldn't see you if I have on my glasses. So I just wanted to say, hey,

[James McCann]

big J. Hi, Ms. Pat.

[Ms. Pat]

I called you and you ain't called me back, but that's okay.

[James McCann]

What? Man? Then I am really happy with you haven't seen my dick.

[Ms. Pat]

I think you might be working with some Big J.

[Brian Redband]

No,

[James McCann]

miss Pet, I'd be. So I was with you on that Bert cruise when we were judging the guys in Speedos contest.

[Ms. Pat]

Oh, yeah.

[James McCann]

And those guys got. Bert said that he would give them $5,000. $5,000 for the smallest dick on the boat. And these guys started doing it and I saw things like I wanted to stop. I've never called to stop anything fun or funny in my life. But I was like, we have to stop this. This Is crazy. These guys are gonna regret this. And you can jump off this boat easy.

[Ms. Pat]

That was the first time I ever seen a white man pull out a pussy.

[James McCann]

So it's just that everybody again. I. I often have a good sized penis.

[Ms. Pat]

Wow.

[James McCann]

I like her walking off as you're just still explaining goes, no, it's freezing. I'm tired.

[Ari Shafir]

On the third Ari, I was like, wait, I know that voice.

[James McCann]

Ori.

[Ari Shafir]

That was nice.

[James McCann]

Ori. Ori. Bert.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bert's doing another cruise, right? In a few months.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I hope that cruise gets hunt of virus. I hope they all leave you guys at sea outside of Norway. We never have to see any of you ever again. All right, it's Brian Quinn. That's my answer on this story.

[James McCann]

I think so too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thrown out of his own party by the venue manager being drunk and trespassing. He's a drunk. He's got five beers and liquor in front of him right now.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah,

[James McCann]

I'll mix up. I'll mix up again.

Has it been him yet?

[Ari Shafir]

It's not Jay. Jay doesn't get drunk like, oh, I got it wrong.

[James McCann]

Then who did you pick?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm either thinking Brian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[James McCann]

I was thinking about how big my penis was.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, you were under.

[James McCann]

Because it's usually fine.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

You were under intense scrutiny.

[James McCann]

Okay, I didn't know this was to get you dick. I didn't spend all day getting ready. I didn't know that was happening. I wasn't sitting here rubbing blood into myself to prepare for the big moment.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Well, to be fair, nobody asked you to take your dick out.

[James McCann]

No, but it was the right thing to do at the time. We all know it was the right thing to do at the time.

[Ms. Pat]

Right there.

[James McCann]

I. I didn't have a choice.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

In retrospect, I think you're all wrong. I think it was the not the right thing.

[James McCann]

You're going to be. You're going to get your dick out when it's your turn. You're going to keep your dick in your pants.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not going to ar.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I guess I'm going to get my dick out if I win. Yeah, I guess so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I'll do it.

[James McCann]

You can never win. People write your name for any wild.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I got no shot. It's crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Imagine that's what they did with the impractical jokers every time they won around.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, it'd be on the Playboy channel. It'd be great. Nobody would watch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in Alex, whose story was story number four.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number four belongs To Brian Quinn.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, it's me. It was actually the season two premiere party from Practical Jokers. The network threw us this big party, and I saw. Stepped into the kitchen to make a phone call, and the venue manager started screaming at me for no reason. And then a bunch of my guys from my firehouse was there, and they saw me getting screamed at, so they went to go swing at the manager, and we all got fucking thrown out. Yeah, the FDNY rolls hard, man. They took a swing right at him. We all got thrown out. It was fucking crazy. But you know, the guy still laugh at me to this day. I miss the entire party, but I was across the street in the West Village drinking with a bunch of firemen, so. Was good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's usually the beginning of a very gay story.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Oh, I can keep going. And then they lock the door, and then I suck them off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of them. They said, now you just can't leave.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Oh, it was great. Yeah. I was like, now you're not leaving until I chug them fire hoses. Yeah, it was great.

[James McCann]

I don't know, man. All I heard was a guy not getting his dick out. That's all I'm saying. I'm just saying that. I'm just. Yeah, I thought this was inf. You don't have to do it. And I would never pressure a man to do it do that. But I'm. You know, I'm just.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Has. Has this town learned nothing?

[James McCann]

Getting your dick out is bad. Lou's at the Hollywood bowl, baby.

I wouldn't pull my dick out in this room until I got a call from Ms. Pat saying she was at her house.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, exactly that. I mean, I just felt inadequate standing near her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was also. You guys are sort of stealing Louis CK's bit,

[Brian Q. Quinn]

right?

[James McCann]

It's a homage.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I actually didn't get it at first, but now I get it. I'm with you, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where are our points at? Four stories down.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

All right. In last place with one point, Brian Quinn.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It.

[James McCann]

I'm on the board.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Who doesn't love an underdog?

[Ms. Pat]

Great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who the fuck doesn't want me to

[Brian Q. Quinn]

come from behind at this point? Show my dick. We'll all have a good time.

[James McCann]

They love a comeback. They love a comeback.

I'm sorry.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In fourth place with two points, Big J. Okerson. In third place with four points, James McCann.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yes. About to call ice on this motherfucker. I got a groan.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

And tied for first place, with six points each, Louis J. Gomez and Ari Shafir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, we are at the halfway point. Of the show. So real quick, let's just go around the horn, do some quick plucks. Q, what are you plugging, my friend?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

We're shooting a new season of impractical Jokers now, so it'll be in the air soon. And yeah, it'll end with my funeral. So there you go, James.

[James McCann]

I've got a new only fans. Itty Bitty Boys 69. We're doing great stuff out there. Nah, seriously, folks. The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. Big podcast.

Yeah, what? What if James found out today that he can't come now unless that's happened soon, just a black woman starts yelling about his small penis to him.

[Ari Shafir]

All right, I got a new storytelling show called the End. It's starring Big J Okerson and Ms. Pat and myself. Seven one hour episodes of Great Stories [e-mail]. i've also got a podcast called you be tripping and another podcast every week called Legion of Skanks. Tune in every.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I. I. Can I say something, please? Joe DeRosa wanted me to tell you guys specifically to go yourselves for. Not for booking me instead of him. He said I have no place here and he's. He would do better on the show. He said you guys are star and to go yourselves. And that's what Joe DeRosa told me to tell you.

[James McCann]

You memorized that? Verbatim. That really. You put work into memorizing that, which is pretty great.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, I spent all day with him. He said it several times. Yeah, he was.

[James McCann]

I'm glad you're here.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Are you?

[James McCann]

Yes.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Why is that?

[James McCann]

Because how. I mean, Joe derosa could. Come on. But how many stories can you have about getting drunk and pooping your pants?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I mean, more than you think.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Red van.

[James McCann]

Higher up. Higher possibility that he would have pulled his dick out, though.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah. So Red man, what are you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you plugging, my friend? What are you plugging?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, I use a VPN when I have to look at porn in Texas, but here in la, I don't.

[James McCann]

Yay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's hell yes. All right, Big J. What are you plugging? What is happening tonight?

[James McCann]

It's a wild night. BigJ comedy dot com.

It's.

It's 7:05 in the morning, by the way. Way. BigJ comedy dot com for all my tickets. I'm always on the road. Look for a city near you. Of course. Listen to the bonfire five days a week. Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly and of course, the Legion of. The Legion of Skanks. Right here at Gas Digital.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah. Come see me on the road. Rattle me this tour on my website. Louis gangst.com. sign up for a mailing list. Buy my book knives and spoons on Amazon or at barnes and nobles.com. and if you love the show, you should know we do an uncensored and ad free version of the show every Monday night before it goes to YouTube or anywhere else.

[James McCann]

You do what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

An uncensored and ad free version of the show.

[James McCann]

Hold on. What? Surely there's at least a little censorship when the show comes out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it's.

[James McCann]

You don't censor it at all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, not on Gas Digital.

[James McCann]

Is that right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's right. It's crazy.

[Brian Redband]

I guess.

[James McCann]

I guess we could have mentioned that before the show

[Louis J. Gomez]

just for subscribers. So if you want to see James McCann's dick.

[Ms. Pat]

Hold on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And if you want the ability to post screenshots of it to the Matt and Shane subreddit, make sure you guys subscribe to Gas Digital. Use the promo code war. Save a couple a bunch of episodes that are not available anymore that are only available on Gas Digital. So go do that. That's the best way to support the show. And I'll tell you right now, we are the the second half of the show truly anybody's game. Still, Jay, maybe explain what's going on with the second half.

[James McCann]

Well, for the first half of the game, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. But that now jumps forward to double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a double point scam.

[James McCann]

It's a double point skim.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a double point sk. Yeah, he's back after 100 episodes, the double points game came back.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

That's great.

[Ms. Pat]

He's been.

[James McCann]

We left him in la.

[Ari Shafir]

Was that. I got to be honest. When a gib comes out with his dick not out after shirt, multiple dicks are out, it loses something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It does lose something.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Well, I'll tell you what's not going to lose. Me and Brian Quinn. Because we're still very much in this game.

[Ari Shafir]

You guys need the double points to get back.

[James McCann]

Hey, double points gimp.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you understand what we're playing with now?

[James McCann]

This is a fucking prude gimp with his dick in his pants. What are we doing? No, I'm kidding.

Well, you see, the show is uncensored, so he doesn't want everybody to see his way.

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wouldn't that be a good thing to know?

[James McCann]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I don't give the pre show speech.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I forgot to give them the pre show speech. I didn't give them any rules.

[Brian Redband]

Is that true?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's why they're off the rails.

[James McCann]

Is that true?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I swear to God.

[James McCann]

Your whole thing's the speech.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I give them a pre show speech every time. And today we were starting so late. I was wondering, when are we starting this?

[James McCann]

We had an extra hour to get of the speech.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Start early.

[James McCann]

Yeah, it wasn't sprung on us.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just love the fact that every time we want him to come out, we just say double point.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He has to do the rest of the night.

[James McCann]

I love it so much.

[Ari Shafir]

Give it a try. Give it a try. James.

[Brian Redband]

What?

[James McCann]

Shaking it up and down and. Oh, no, saying the. Saying the thing.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

I'll save it for later on.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

All right, so I. So I still have a shot. Just so I'm clear on this, if I. Because we now in double points, Q,

[Louis J. Gomez]

you have to be. You have to be a story warrior. You've had to won the game in order to trigger double points.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

So if I say double points, I get a middle fingers.

[Ari Shafir]

I get.

[James McCann]

It gets weird.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I mean, that's wild that I just got the double bird on that one too.

[James McCann]

It's too aggressive for sure.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm a. I'm a guest here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not getting paid if I want

[Brian Q. Quinn]

to say double points. I feel like I should.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not allowed, Ari. Ari's won twice, so Ari at any time can say I understand the power

[Ari Shafir]

of getting double points.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Wait a second. Who besides me on this stage can't say double points? I've never been the heel before.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is amazing.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I kind of want to tell them all to go fuck themselves. Is this what you guys feel? The power you feel on stage? I say double points. They and I. Yeah, you specifically. I tell you to go fuck yourself. Go fuck your fucking mother. I guess it. I get it, man. I've been playing this G rated nonsense.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

It's a give and take. It's a volley with the audience they love.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that guy. That guy had. He's a Mexican gangster.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Is he?

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's a juggler with three teeth in his mouth. He's going to murder you after the show.

[James McCann]

Well, he will wear your skin and show up to work on Monday.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Double points. Fuck you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fuck you. Fuck you.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Fuck you, y'.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

All.

[James McCann]

Oh, we gotta cleanse.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I don't give a. I see what you applaud. I don't give a. Fuck you. Yeah, double points. A sheeple anyway.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, all right, all right. Alex, story number five.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number five.

[Brian Redband]

My girlfriend once ran away because we had anal sex. And afterwards she accidentally pooped out a little poop pebble. I had to drive around for like a half hour to find her. That story has miles and stones,

[Louis J. Gomez]

By the way. I did fuck a girl in the ass one time and then I put it in her vagina. And when she was coming, while I was having sex in her vagina. Coming? Yes.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

She.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She pooped out what looked exactly the exact shape and size of a Hershey Kiss that landed on my dick. And then I pulled my dick out and it fell onto the bed. And then I tried to scoop it up without her seeing it and I couldn't. So eventually my hand, I was trying to get it up because I felt bad. I felt guilty.

[James McCann]

But you say you tried to. You couldn't get it. Was it getting away from you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I could. It was. Yeah, it was. It was starting to smear into the sheet.

[James McCann]

Oh, hot potato.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I had to tell her. I was like, you just. You just shit out here. And then she was mortified. And, you know, that's how. That's how I fell in love with Kim Congdon.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Beautiful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But this is not my story story.

[Ari Shafir]

I would vote for Red Band on this one.

[James McCann]

I feel like this is Ari possibly.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

I used to live on Pebble Drive.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I. I don't know. Ari to own a car.

[Ms. Pat]

What?

[James McCann]

Oh, he was in la.

People can't see this. There's a lot of. There's a lot of caps lock on this one.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, there really are.

[James McCann]

I had to drive around for a half hour. Miles and stones. No one's written anything like this yet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why all the capital letters? That's interesting.

[James McCann]

Big J. Big J hasn't had one yet. I haven't been on the show before. Does Big J used capital letters in an unusual fashion?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've never seen him do that. But Big J also has been changing his strategies lately. He's gotten way better at the game. Jay last night won a record setting game. It was incredible you guys were here.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Wow.

[James McCann]

We started at 10:30.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's mind works before 5:00am East Coast Time.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I feel the key to this one is to pick the guy who you think would care enough to drive around for a half hour. Because I'm looking at a lot of guys on the stage that would not put in 10 minutes on searching for this girl. I feel like a lot of us would be like, let's just go to bed. So I feel we have to pick someone who seems sweet and Cuddly enough.

[Ari Shafir]

Sweet cuddly. Who else does words on plays?

[James McCann]

Listen, my tiny little penis could never do the sort of damage to result

[Brian Q. Quinn]

in some kind of p. Let me

[James McCann]

tell you something I've learned. There's no dick too small for a butthole, dude.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

In fact, no girl's ever said, your dick's too small for my. It's never been said once ever.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

And I think you know that.

[James McCann]

And I think. And I think it's clear you know that.

[Ari Shafir]

I think you're aware of that.

[James McCann]

I don't think people should be doing that sort of business.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, I know.

[Ari Shafir]

That story has my tiles and stones. Who's the type of dork that would put that at the end of the story?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Could it be Ari? No, but Ari's got a massive. He's not a girl in her ass with that giant penis.

[Ari Shafir]

If I a girl in the butt, it wouldn't be poop that came out. It'd be blood.

[James McCann]

Yeah, Ari, is that why you poop blood all the time?

[Ari Shafir]

That is.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

You turn to.

[James McCann]

Frankly, that's a rap lyric. If I fuck a girl in the butt, she be pooping blood, you know, that'll be Ms. Pat. What? Anyway, I. It's not me. It's not me, I can tell you that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here's what I'll say. Big J, two things. He's a very nice guy. If he. If a girl felt bad and she left, he would go find her to make her feel better. And he also has a small penis that would probably just barely pleasure her. And maybe only a little poop pebble would come out of her butt afterwards.

[James McCann]

What are you splitting girl shitters?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis, who.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Who up here would refer to poop? Like as poop? Like, not who's. Who says poop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Red band.

[James McCann]

That's not on here.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, poop.

[James McCann]

I think it's. This seems like Ari.

[Ari Shafir]

I'd say it's Lewis or James.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, I think it's James.

[James McCann]

It's not me. Don't waste the vote.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, you've been saying.

[James McCann]

Oh, well, whatever I'm putting you think Lewis. Lewis think potentially. Lewis.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, James.

[James McCann]

I'll go Lewis, then I'll try and get the points. I'll look at you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going Big J. Okerson.

[James McCann]

Whether or not that has happened to me, that's not my story.

Ari. Ari Shafir.

It didn't happen to me. But Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J is my vote. James McCann votes Lewis. Why me, James?

[James McCann]

Because I already said it and it might be Ari and I know it's not me.

[Ari Shafir]

Seems like you or Lewis. I don't think it's. I don't think it's Q.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's the word poop. It's a poop.

[Ari Shafir]

It's the miles and stones. But Lewis has been punny lately.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am very puny. I love. I love a pun. I. Look, I gotta be honest with you. This.

[Ari Shafir]

Be honest, Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll be. I'm being honest. This is not me. I have a similar story. I did not story. It's the only time that's happened. I've had girls on my dick before, but not poop. Pebbles.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Was that the act? Like, if she literally on your dick?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, during the middle of it, like just like a smell filled the room.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

No.

[James McCann]

Yeah, he was asking more like, did you just hold your wiener out and she spit over to take a dumbbell?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Was that the intention?

[Ari Shafir]

I think maybe it's Jay. Jay, could it be you?

[James McCann]

I don't know. But if you did that, if you put your wiener out and let a girl like just take a fresh on the tip of your dick, that should be called the diving board.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

A triple lynch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lindsay, call it the Carvel. It comes out like ice cream. Oh, Ari Shafir votes for Louis Shay Gomez.

[Ari Shafir]

It might be Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big mistake. Damn it, Alex. Five stories in. Whose story is story number five?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number five belongs to Big J Okerson.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Fools.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Fools.

[James McCann]

I put you for me.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I put you.

[Ari Shafir]

Shit.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I had it right at the end.

[Brian Redband]

I knew it.

[Ari Shafir]

I second guessed.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

The court is now in session. Yeah, my.

Right after. My girlfriend right after high school was in my. Yeah, my room one day. I lived with my mom still, obviously. And I convinced her to let's try anal. And I finished inside and then when I pulled out, it was just followed by like a Raisinet of shit. And I kind of had like a ha ha. And she went, what? And then saw. And she's like, oh my God. And she literally threw her pants on and ran out of the house and just like.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I mean, that sounds like the problem took care of itself. Like, why don't you just relax?

[James McCann]

Good riddance.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

The hardest part was over. She was gone.

[James McCann]

Take your shit nugget with you, pig.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just flicked it at her.

[James McCann]

Oh, you forgot something. You. Whoah. By the way, though, I mean, come on, guys. She should have had a little poop pebble. And then I had to drive around for a half hour. That story has miles and stones. Come on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I told you, Jay's playing a different game right now.

[Ari Shafir]

Now Jay's gaming.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where Are points at.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In last place with one point, Brian Quinn.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Double points.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In fourth place with four points, James McCann. In third place with six points, Ari Shafir. In second place with eight points, Big J Okerson.

[James McCann]

That's a jump. That's a jump.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I cannot wait to find out. First 100 words.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, story warriors, let's thank one of our sponsors for today's show, and that is hims. Look, you don't have to be embarrassed about ed anymore. Louis, I'm looking right at you. Just get it taken care of with hims. They help you get personalized prescription treatment options for E D. I already got

[Louis J. Gomez]

it taken care of. Look at this.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh my God. Look at that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at that.

[Big J Okerson]

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[Louis J. Gomez]

No, that's not a noodle right there. That's like. That's like.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no. I was talking to the proverbial noodle dick out there in the world, not you, dude. I could see that you are taking your product and you are raging right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like a roll of quarters right there for you, my friend.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll be honest, you look wobbly. You might want to sit down. There's no blood in your body, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My equilibrium's thrown off from this. Hu.

[James McCann]

You're gonna fall forward, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's done online that you don't have to talk to a doctor. You don't have to go anywhere. You get an online doctor, they will give you your. Your prescription, what you need, then it's sent to your door in discreet packaging. They not only do they have stuff for ed, but they have hair loss treatments, weight loss treatments, and more. So right now just visit hims.comwarz with a Z. Warz. That's hims.comW R Z for your free online visit today.

[James McCann]

Prescription required.

[Big J Okerson]

See website for details and important safety information. Sildenafil is a generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of VI specialty llc. HIMS affiliated with or endorsed by Beatrice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, story warriors, you know what's up? My story is that I started this company about a year ago called Body brain Coffee. And it is not just normal coffee, it is coffee. We started with amazing premium freeze dried Coffee. And then we blended in nootropics and adaptogens that will make you feel like the best version of yourself, you know? Testosterone's down. Testosterone is down on average 1% for every every year after you turn 30 years old, your testosterone will drop. And guess what? It's half as what it was when in your grandpa's generation. That's why we include Tongkat Ali, which has been naturally linked to supporting testosterone in men, especially aging men. Plus, it's got ltheanine, it's got lion's mane mushrooms for focus and memory, and ashwagandha, which supports mood and stress. So it's great. Jay, I know you've been boofing it for about a year now, and you've never been more manly. You've never been more focused. You've never been more locked in.

[Big J Okerson]

No. My is getting really hairy, though, so I don't know who I write to about that in the comments company. I just want to make sure I give my findings. But, yes, I feel fantastic. However you get it in you, get it in you. I said you should put that on the T shirt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go try it, man. Look, it really is great. People really love it. Check out our reviews on Amazon and on Shopify. Bodybraincoffee.com is the website. Use the promo code WAR2020. War20. You save 20 off if you decide to subscribe. Not only are you saving 20 off, but we're going to give you free shipping for life, which is huge. Save a couple more bucks right there. Once again, that's bodybraincoffee.com. use the promo code WAR 2020 to save 20% off. And if you decide to subscribe, get free shipping for life. All right, where were we?

[James McCann]

Alex, Story number six.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number six.

[Brian Redband]

I broke up with a longtime girlfriend, and her best friend hated me so much because of it that she tried to spit on my face. 100% of her spit went perfectly in my mouth.

[Ms. Pat]

Mouth.

[Brian Redband]

And me and that friend hooked up less than a year later.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys think every story is me, you pieces of. I mean, guys, guys, guys.

[James McCann]

I mean.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Louis, the whole game is discussing it.

[James McCann]

I know, but what's to discuss? This is everything that you. If you. If it's fucking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listen, Jay, you're g. We're. We're loading somebody up. We're loading somebody up with so many points right now.

[James McCann]

If you vote for me, take that out of it. Why is this not you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why is this not me?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Can I say, look,

[James McCann]

dude, this is every this is. This is one of the times this has happened to you in your life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listen to me.

[James McCann]

Multiple times.

[Louis J. Gomez]

As I, as I was listening to the story. Story, when I heard the. The spit went into his mouth.

[James McCann]

You got hard again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I went, yes. I, I, I went, that's pretty hot. Then the end of it was, me and that friend hooked up. But less than a year later, I was like. And I was proud of whoever it was. I was like, yes, I get it. I understand why everyone would think it's me. It is not me. I swear on Brian Redband's life that

[James McCann]

this story, that means nothing.

You are freaking out, man. It's our hundredth episode, so you're fucking Skitsin Man. You're glitching.

It does read of someone who might have played the game a hundred times. You know, it's a milestone theme. Well, it was the time that woman spat in my mouth and then I fucked her.

Yeah, milestone.

Good luck getting that in line with.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm telling you, I think it is before you vote, I think it's James McCann. Because look how happy he is right now. He knows that everyone is going for me right now. He looks like a pig in shit right now. He looks so happy. So I'm thinking as James McCann. I really do.

[Ari Shafir]

James the Virgin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, James. James is a dirty boy.

[James McCann]

Every longtime girlfriend I've broken up with, all of her friends have been pretty happy that it's over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm so happy you finally broke up with that stupid mall Santa.

[James McCann]

Lewis.

She was an elf.

Lewis. I'm trying this and give myself that. This could be anybody else.

[Ari Shafir]

It is fun when you try to talk yourself out of what you, what you think.

[James McCann]

I mean, he's building a paper airplane out of stress. Look at him go.

Lewis does a lot of stress building.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, these are. These are the stories that I'm giving out to the fans.

[James McCann]

Could be. It could be Ari.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who'd you put.

[James McCann]

It might be Ari.

Ari, like, why I can't change it.

If you've done that, if you've started that, if you've gone early and done that and tricked everybody, that would be incredible.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're something special.

[James McCann]

I can't get it out again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

James McCann is my vote. I'm in the lead for a reason. You guys are just failing tonight.

[James McCann]

You can't get your dick out again.

[Ari Shafir]

It's only for a clean sweep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, whose story was story number six.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number six belongs to Brian Quinn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I fucking told you. No one even talked about him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Brian Quinn, you dirty, dirty Boy, Motherfucker.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm gonna answer the only two questions that matter. Yes, I got hard when she spit my mouth, and yes, a year later, I spit in her fucking mouth.

[Brian Redband]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Clean sweep during.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was a big deal. Sweep during. Double points.

[Ari Shafir]

Is this gonna be every week or is it just like. Is the GIP gonna be here all the time or is that just. What do you mean?

[James McCann]

Gimp's always been here, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Man, gimp's never left

[James McCann]

Double Point Skimp. Everyone knows that.

[Ari Shafir]

He is going to shatter an ankle.

[James McCann]

Oh, dude, he goes down. He's going to go down hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You've never heard rolling around on the.

[James McCann]

You've never heard a G scream. Oh, with a ball in your mouth. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

All right, in last place, with four points, James McCann. In fourth place with six points, Ari Shafir. In third place with eight points, Big J. Okerson. In second place with nine points, Brian Quinn.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Thank you.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

And in first place with 10 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[James McCann]

This game just got close.

[Ari Shafir]

This game got close.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Super close game. Truly anybody's game. Two more stories. Are you guys having fun tonight? Come on, Story Wars. You having a good time? Well, then, without further ado, Alex, story number seven.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number seven.

[Brian Redband]

The first time I moved out of home, I lived in a small apartment with a more. She was so fat. Morbidly obese Malaysian man who would watch animated pornography in the. At the kitchen table.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I say it? When listening to Brian Redband Reed, it sounds like he's in physical pain.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's that. Like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It actually seems like it hurts him to read.

[Ari Shafir]

He sounds like Rich Ross is having a heart attack.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Currently.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

First time that at home. I lived in a small apartment with a mortally obese Malaysian man who would

[Louis J. Gomez]

watch animated pornography at the kitchen table.

[James McCann]

Why do you think that's me?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

It's too weird. It can't be you. You can't have a Santa outfit and live with.

[James McCann]

You don't have Malaysians in America.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

No, we really don't.

[James McCann]

None of us know. None of us know. It's what they are.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

They.

[James McCann]

I should have gone with Asian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are they mall Asian?

[Ari Shafir]

Mall Asians?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we know you have moles, you piece of. Don't try to fool us with your mall Asians.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

How many times. How many times did you move out of home if that was the first time?

[James McCann]

Oh, man.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

3. You go break up, you go back home.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[James McCann]

Yeah, of course, but everyone must have moved out of home a couple times.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where's male Asia?

[James McCann]

That's where that Airline.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't laugh at me. None of you guys know. You're all like, yeah.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Oh, what an idiot.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, give.

[James McCann]

Yeah, give. An unmarked map. These.

[Ari Shafir]

It's right next to Thailand.

[James McCann]

It's the whole point of Zoolander. Normal country.

[Ari Shafir]

James. James, how old were you? Left home.

[James McCann]

How old? When I was last time?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, the first time.

[James McCann]

I was 18. How old were you?

[Ms. Pat]

You?

[Ari Shafir]

I still live with my mommy and daddy and they cook for me every day.

[James McCann]

She got to stay out of the bathroom.

All right, what was your first time to leave home? Was it for school or

[Ari Shafir]

seminary? Yeshiva.

[James McCann]

Yeshiva University.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You didn't live with a Malaysian man in yeshiva?

[James McCann]

I doubt it. Unless you were off campus in little Malaysia.

[Ari Shafir]

I wouldn't count it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How close to Australia is Malaysia? This is what I'm trying to get at.

[James McCann]

It's.

[Ari Shafir]

It's there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's close.

[James McCann]

It's not that close.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's closer than it is here, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

It'd be like there's direct flights.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, that's big. Hawaiian.

[James McCann]

It's big. There's no fuel there, so that's big.

[Ari Shafir]

There's direct flights, baby.

[James McCann]

I don't even know what a Malaysia is. Yeah, well, I'm just a guy hanging out.

Uh oh, James, if I were you, I would start fucking fluffing yourself because you're about to have a fucking round too. And Ms. Pat is back in the room and she's ready to see it.

All right, fine. Get on with it. It doesn't matter what I put.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, whose story was story number seven.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number seven belongs to James McCann.

[James McCann]

Of all the times just to put

[Louis J. Gomez]

a. I didn't know Malaysian specific.

[Ari Shafir]

So it's not Mal Asian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Malaysia.

[James McCann]

No, it is. It's Latin for bad Asian. But the.

That's why it's a dead language. That's why it's a dead language.

He would do all sorts of shit. He would fucking. I fucking hated him. Really? Made me racist against Malaysians for a long time. This guy was so bad. He would hide his dirty dishes in between our dirty dishes. So we'd also clean them.

Were you happy with that?

He stole my then girlfriend's underpants.

[Ari Shafir]

To do what? Cook with them.

[James McCann]

We don't know. We never came to. We never figured out he would smoke inside filthy people.

What a piece of right indoors.

He's probably a nice guy.

He'd be sick.

That was my shot in the double points.

[Ari Shafir]

That was. That was your shot, Boo boo.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah, it said it doesn't feel good, does it? It doesn't feel good.

[James McCann]

But for some, yeah, they were. They were more violent shouting for you, though.

[Ms. Pat]

Yeah, I know.

[James McCann]

They really meant the booze when they came for you. Let me tell you, I'm devastated. I'm devastated. It's going to have to be a big last round for me. I've. I've never been so. Got my dick out for nothing. Ms. Pat made fun of me. There's an uncensored version that I did Absolutely never knew.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Gas Digital.

[Ari Shafir]

You can get every to gas digital.com

[James McCann]

or something like that.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Girls Gone Wild.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In last place with four points, James McCann.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

That's rough. That's rough. That's hard to deal with. I'm sorry.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In fourth place with 10 points, Ari Shafir. In third place with 12 points, Big J Okerson

[James McCann]

still in it.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In second place with 13 points, Brian Quinn. And in the lead with 14.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can't tell.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I can't tell if they're saying Q or boo. I don't know what it is.

[James McCann]

Q.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a lot of Q's.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Q.

They're going Q.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I've done nothing to you people. I've done nothing. I've done nothing to. Why you giving me the middle fingles?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sir, this is outrageous.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I got to be honest with you.

[Ari Shafir]

You're close in this game and if you do win this and come back.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

When they do double points again.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You will have a much better time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

His dick just knocked over the water bottle. That's.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

That's girthy.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. That's the way a gimp proposes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, finish the points, please.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In first place with 14 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sir. I said I would you up. You're.

[Ari Shafir]

Remember that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think so, sir? Yeah, I might. I haven't won all week long, you piece of shit. I win too much. I've been getting my ass kicked. We have one more story.

[Ari Shafir]

One more. That's it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's it.

[Ari Shafir]

James. You have no chance, bitch.

[James McCann]

James.

[Louis J. Gomez]

James can't win.

[James McCann]

I so badly want to take home this book. 101st words by Ms. Rachel. Ms. Rachel. It's sweet, simple and made for tiny people who are still learning how to say what they want. 101st words by Ms. Rachel is a reminder that every great communicator starts with just one word. Damn, dude. I don't know when Ari stands with like, that's like abusive stepdad energy. You doing your homework? Your mom says you're gonna be home late from work.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Take your eyes off him. His dick's either out or he has your Phone texting your mom that you hate. You hate her and you want her to die.

[James McCann]

Oh. All right, everybody. A milestone. Our 100th. Our final story. Alex, please. Story number eight.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number eight.

[Brian Redband]

The principal said I couldn't walk down the aisle of my graduation because I was failing a class. So I told my family I didn't want to walk down the aisle so they wouldn't find out.

[James McCann]

This is Lewis. Nope. I mean, I. I think it's you because it's. Who is.

[Ari Shafir]

Who would be.

[James McCann]

This happened to me. I think also you also. I think I was. No, I wasn't. It was because I was failing classes. Mine was because there's security.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's happening right now?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Why did the principal say that about you?

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Why? Why did the principal say you couldn't walk down the aisle?

[Louis J. Gomez]

They have to take the alcohol way at 2.

[Ari Shafir]

Me.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

What's happening?

[Ari Shafir]

I would literally have never failed a class in my life at 2 o'.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clock. They have to take all the alcohol away.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Chuck, Chuck. Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. They're going to. They're going to take your alcohol away.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I don't understand the rules.

[Louis J. Gomez]

California.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

What does that mean? Oh,

[Louis J. Gomez]

What a dog.

[James McCann]

Double points.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

He's running parts.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where's a gimp?

[James McCann]

Oh, wait, is it no booze and no gimps after two? We won't let. The gimp will not be stopped.

[Ari Shafir]

He's got something to say.

[James McCann]

Double points. Man, it sucks when they take booze away when they make us start the show 30 minutes ago.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jesus Christ. So, look, I. I mean, I. I think it's. My principal told me I would never graduate from my high school, but I ended up because I was dating a girl that I wanted to go to the prom with. I ended up passing all my classes and graduating on time. I was not failing a class. At the end of graduation.

[Ari Shafir]

I did.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Piece of.

[James McCann]

I mean, he did say that pretty fast without fumpering around at all. I feel that was. I think that was real.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it was that word up that seemed real.

[Ari Shafir]

Thumpering.

[James McCann]

Fumpering. Fumpering around.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that a word?

[James McCann]

It's an old Jewish thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thumpering's crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it changed.

[Ari Shafir]

What were you like in high school or college?

[James McCann]

It's some. Someone with a family and someone who can walk.

[Ari Shafir]

So

[Brian Q. Quinn]

am I allowed to, like, ask the audience their opinion or is that. Please. You can.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Okay. I don't know, guys. You got more experience. Who do you think?

[James McCann]

I think maybe it's Brian.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Take me out of it take me out of it.

[James McCann]

Who?

[Brian Q. Quinn]

J. J.

[James McCann]

This did happen to me, right? But it was for absences, not failing.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm gonna go with the audience. I feel they're saying Big J. I'm going with that.

[James McCann]

That makes me feel like it's Brian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you?

[James McCann]

All I can do at this point is ruin it for someone else.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Play giant killer.

[James McCann]

Play giant killer.

[Ari Shafir]

Is it you?

[James McCann]

And even though this might not work, I would be so pleased if by me doing this, you weren't ever allowed to say that phrase.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I know you're real. You've been hostile to me from moment one. Hey, yeah, that fucking.

[James McCann]

You refused to show the audience your penis.

No,

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I didn't refuse. I didn't refuse.

[James McCann]

I thought we were all doing it. It's uncensored on Gas Digital. Whoop a dee doo.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I'm happy to show all these people my penis individually, one by one. And we could line up on this side afterwards, but there can't be any cameras or anything like that. You're giving your penis away. I'm just showing it one on one.

[James McCann]

So upset about this. Uncensored on Guest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, all right, all right, all right. I'm going. I'm going, Big J, because I think Big J is doing the strategy that I do, which is to admit that it's my story early and try to fool everybody. And I think not enough people have voted for Big J just yet. Big J is my answer.

[James McCann]

You're going to look like a fucking dumbass.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, whose story was story number eight.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Story number eight belongs to Ari Shafir,

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Three time winner.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We don't know that yet. We don't know that yet. We don't know it yet.

[Ari Shafir]

Yet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tell the story. Tell the story. We don't know the point yet, Ari.

[James McCann]

Yo,

[Louis J. Gomez]

What happened here? Is there more?

[Ari Shafir]

Lewis, if I don't win, you can be my new storage telling show the end.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex, where her points at?

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In last place with four points, James McCann.

[James McCann]

But honest to God, don't listen to Ms. Pat, dude. You're welcome. Wiener was great. I liked it. It was good.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

In fourth place with 12 points, Big J Okerson. In third place with 13 points, Brian Quinn.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

I thought he won him over. I guess I thought he was. Double points don't matter.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't ever say that. Double points do matter.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Thank you. I love you too. Double points don't matter for. You, Alex.

[Alex (Producer/Scorekeeper)]

Second place scored 14 points points. And your winner. Tonight, with the most wins in story war history,

[Louis J. Gomez]

Our 100th episode, a mile milestone. Ari Shafir. Getting three victories in story wars history. The most wins ever.

[James McCann]

Milestone victory on a milestone night on our final show at Netflix's school. Everybody, how about a big round of applause for our amazing panel, Brian q. Quinn. James McCann. The most winning guest on Story wars history, Ari Shafir. Thank you guys so much for being here. Thank you, Netflix. As a joke. Thank you. You guys out. Thank you.

[Brian Q. Quinn]

Give me that pedophile book for it.

[James McCann]

Thank you guys for showing up here for us this late every single night, making us look good to this club. Man. We love you guys. For Story Wars, I'm Big J Oakerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm Louis S.H. gomez.

[James McCann]

Catch you next time. Peace.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Good night.

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