103. Peyton Ruddy, Pandji Pragiwaksono, Andy Haynes | Pressure

Summary

Story Warz Ep. 103 – “Pressure”

Date: July 24, 2026
Host: Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Peyton Ruddy, Pandji Pragiwaksono, Andy Haynes
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, NYC

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Episode Overview

This episode of Story Warz welcomes three first-time guests—Peyton Ruddy, Pandji Pragiwaksono, and Andy Haynes—for a hilarious, competitive round of deceptive storytelling themed around “Pressure.” The panel, led by hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez, tries to outwit each other and the lively New York audience, crafting and guessing stories that may or may not be true to win points and take home the “Hiroshima” book.

Jokes, wild confessions, embarrassing stories, and sharp riffs dominate as five comedians dissect each story, debate its plausibility, and attempt to guess who’s lying—all with the high-stakes reward of an infamous Story Warz library book.

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Game Rules & Stakes

(Timestamp: 07:01–08:49)

• Each panelist submits several stories on the theme “Pressure.”
• Stories are read anonymously by producer Alex.
• Panelists vote on whose story they think it is.
• Point system:
  • 2 points for guessing correctly
  • 1 point for every person you fool
• Second half of the show = double points.
• Tonight’s winner takes home the book "Hiroshima" by John Hersey.

Notable Quote:
“None of you guys have played this before. It is so much fun. This is the most fun you're ever going to have on a podcast. But we're not playing for fun.” – Luis J. Gomez (07:50)

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Key Stories and Banter

1. The Girlfriend Who Demanded Jokes

(Timestamp: 09:37–15:56)

Story:
A girlfriend only liked the storyteller because he was funny; he had to prepare new jokes for every call or visit, or she’d get angry.

Panel Banter:

• Jokes about “performing” for women, and whether this is a “village story.”
• Stereotyping South Asian relationships; riffing on “bat soup” humor.
• Peyton and Jay suspect each other; group guesses go back and forth.

Reveal:
Pandji Pragiwaksono admits it’s his awkward first relationship in Indonesia, prepping jokes long before he was a comedian.
Quote:
“I wasn’t even a comedian. I was already making set lists before I’m a comedian. That’s crazy.” – Pandji (15:04)

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2. Shitting Purples After Eating Pie Filling

(Timestamp: 17:11–23:44)

Story:
A mistaken pie-filling binge leads to an urgent and messy “purple” accident while trying to get into the house, resulting in frantic clean-up with mom’s white towels.

Panel Banter:

• Peyton gets roasted as “bottomless throat,” group debates plausibility of big guys fitting through a window.
• Jokes about ethnic foods and poverty levels.
• Group largely suspects Andy—then second-guesses.

Reveal:
Peyton Ruddy confesses the story; window was 1st floor, not a “getting stuck” scenario.
Quote:
“As soon as I spread my legs, I opened the floodgate and just shit purple all down… I don’t even think it digested, it was just the pie filling coming out.” – Peyton (22:09)

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3. The Bong, Beer, and AK-47

(Timestamp: 28:00–35:12)

Story:
Pulled over for speeding with a bong, a case of beer, an AK-47, and wallet in the trunk.

Panel Banter:

• Riffs on American vs. Indonesian/Asian weapons; AK-47 as “guerrilla warfare.”
• Everyone suspects Andy, but strategizes if story could be a misdirection.
• Andy plays it cool—too cool.

Reveal:
Andy Haynes explains: Seattle’s “hood,” teenage drinking, shooting guns in the woods, sketchy friends, and a run-in with police.
Quote:
“I went to school in the hood in Seattle, which sounds like an oxymoron, but there was just some bad kids… you could drive like 30 minutes and go to the woods and drink beer and smoke weed and shoot guns at a van we hope was empty.” – Andy (34:53)

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4. “Sorry for Slavery”

(Timestamp: 36:32–42:16)

Story:
After his class sees a video on slavery, an elementary-aged narrator pats a Black friend’s back and says, “I’m sorry that happened, man.”

Panel Banter:

• Banter on Black friends, location, and the likelihood of this happening in Indonesia.
• Heavy riffing on social awkwardness, reparations jokes.
• Jay and Luis both try to misdirect attention.

Reveal:
Peyton Ruddy admits he was just trying to be kind as a kid, but it was super awkward.
Quote:
“They had the projector down and they were showing us a slavery video for like the first time…I just turned like, I’m really sorry about that. It was out of love.” – Peyton (41:43)

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5. Singing For The Artist

(Timestamp: 46:53–52:12)

Story:
Asked to sing a song by an artist—while the artist was in the room. Massive nerves, but ultimately delivered a “great job.”

Panel Banter:

• Group dogpiles on Panji, suspecting a “fob vernacular” in phrasing.
• Jokes about Kid Rock, Big J’s musical ties, and Asian karaoke.

Reveal:
Big Jay Okerson had to perform “Bawitdaba” at Kid Rock’s bar in Nashville, but realized after that Kid Rock wasn’t in the room—just another guy with pigtails.
Quote:
“…I looked off in the distance, I saw Kid Rock standing by the door…realized that was just another white guy with pigtails.” – Jay (51:08)

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6. Year on a Deflating Air Mattress

(Timestamp: 56:58–62:31)

Story:
Slept for over a year on an air mattress that lost all air nightly—waking up on the floor every morning.

Panel Banter:

• Massive argument between Jay and Luis—each accuses the other of being the “air mattress guy.”
• Peyton: “Who says ‘lose all of its pressure overnight’? That’s not a racist thing…”
• Group debates poverty, tenacity, slacker lifestyle.

Reveal:
Luis J. Gomez tells of living in a Brooklyn loft, using a tent for a bedroom and an ever-deflating air mattress. And yes—he still got laid.
Quote:
“My bedroom was a six-person tent in the middle of this fucking loft. And in that tent was mattress that would lose air every single night…that was a full year, by the way.” – Lewis (61:37)

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7. Shitting Yourself Before a Set

(Timestamp: 64:04–71:28)

Story:
Had to perform at a comedy club after shitting self en route. Dumped underwear in city trash, but still “crushed it.”

Panel Banter:

• Debates over “city trash bin” as foreign phrasing; lots of deflection.
• Peyton leverages his own past shitting story.
• Jay and panel suspect Andy or himself; Panji plays coy.
• Luis: "If I shit myself before a set, I’m not doing the set."

Reveal:
Pandji Pragiwaksono explains lactose intolerance + idiot combo = disaster; happening just last year, new to NYC, had to ditch underwear at the Producers Club on the way to Stand.
Quote:
“I am both lactose intolerant and an idiot. I was already crazy on the 7 train…I just can’t think straight.” – Pandji (70:34)

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8. Blue Balls “With Force”

(Timestamp: 73:00–79:14)

Story:
Got “blue balls” so bad in his 20s that the eventual “release” hit the opposite wall with force.

Panel Banter:

• Hysterical confusion: couldn’t tell if the person meant he flew into the wall, or the load did.
• Group debates plausibility, leverages poverty and age as clues.
• Classic riffing on dry humping, sexual banter, and “busted” as vernacular.

Reveal:
Andy Haynes dry-humped a virginal girlfriend all night in college, endured hours of aching, then “unloaded” a legendary distance in the shower.
Quote:
“My balls ached and ached and ached…and when I jerked, when I came, it hit the wall with super circular force. Like it could have cleaned off grout.” – Andy (79:14)

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Scoring and Competition Highlights

• Pandji pulls ahead in first half with strategic reading and misdirection.
• Jay comes from behind after double points kick in, going on a tear but losing by a single point.
• Banter between Jay and Luis hits a peak with the air mattress debate (58:16–59:51).
• Notable tie-in of story styles: Panelists accused of patterned language across stories.

Notable Quote – On Double Points:
“For the Second half of the show, we go double points… Pretty simple concept, obviously.” – Jay (45:32)

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Final Scores & Winner

(Timestamp: 80:25–81:18)

• Winner: Pandji Pragiwaksono – 17 points
  • By a razor-thin margin, Pandji takes home the “Hiroshima” book, to laughter over the irony of an Indonesian winning the account of the atomic bomb.

Jay:
“By one point. What a great game, your margin, your newest story, Warrior!” (81:11)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Andy’s Mustache:
  • “Your mustache is never going to let you down. That family would have eventually.” – Big Jay (04:41)
• On fat guys and challenges:
  • “If I had to climb a fence, I was just not doing it.” – Luis (20:05)
• On the pressure stories:
  • “As a fat person myself…with a girl out of my league, I’m performing for her constantly.” – Jay (10:35)
• On telling awkward truths:
  • “I would never share that about myself…If I had your body type, I could.” – Luis to Andy (65:42)

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Guest Comedy Tour Plugs

(Timestamp: 43:38–44:28)

• Peyton Ruddy: On tour – peytonruddylive.com
• Pandji: Special on YouTube, “Boss Level”
• Andy Haynes: Taping a special at The Bell House; free admission for fans

Jay & Luis: Ongoing stand-up tours, The Bonfire (Jay), Legion of Skanks podcast, book “Knives and Spoons” by Luis.

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Closing Notes

• Pandji wins by a single point—after a masterclass in reading people and cross-cultural wit.
• The live NYC crowd, irreverent riffing, and a stacked panel deliver a fast-paced, high-laugh episode.
• For a show themed “pressure,” the comedians prove their mettle—both at storytelling and dealing with roast-level heat.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Before we start today's show, you should know that me and Big J are touring professional stand up comedians and we are coming to a city near you very, very soon. Come see me on tour. The Rattle Me this tour. This weekend I will be in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works South. July 31st, I'm in Lafayette, Louisiana. August 1st, Lake Charles, Louisiana. Then after that, September 11th and 12th, I will be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Right after that, Portland, Maine. Belmore, New York, Rochester, New York and more. Just go to LouisofSkangs.com to grab those

[C]

tickets and you can go to BigJComedy.com for all my tickets. Greatest Yapper Live Tour happening right now. This weekend I'm at the Richmond, Virginia Funny Bone. After that, Levittown, Long Island, Governor's Comedy Club, Virginia Beach. So much more coming up on deck. Look for a city near you. It never ends. Greatest Yapper Live Tour happening right now.

[D]

Fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars with the story story warriors, big j okerson and lewis j. Gomez.

[C]

What's up, Story Warriors? Welcome to the show. Make some noise in here for me, will you please?

[B]

Come on. It's another sold out show here at the New York Comedy Club. I mean, what, six months in a row? Something like that.

[C]

We've done two years, I think two straight years of sold out shows.

[B]

Sold out shows. Actually, before we even start the show, was somebody assaulted outside of the club today?

[D]

Who was it?

[B]

This pussy.

[C]

What happened?

[B]

You little bitch? You got beat up outside of the comedy club. He got beat up. So why'd you call the cops if you beat him up?

[C]

Wait, what happened?

[B]

He got assaulted.

[D]

Wrapped a belt around my neck and then like pulled me and I tackled him enough.

[C]

Holy dude.

[B]

And these guys jumped him.

[C]

You guys.

[B]

You needed three of you to jump him and then you called the cops on him. Holy dude. I'm on that guy's side. That guy's coming on as a guest next week to sort.

[C]

That's called handling things, Whitely. Good job, gentlemen. Good job. Working packs.

[B]

Well, I'm excited about today's show. We have an amazing show and I gotta be honest with you guys, three Story wars debuts on the show tonight.

[C]

Big, big fucking deal, everybody. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? Oh, no. The guy who got beat up doesn't even know the game.

[B]

And who is not familiar with Story Wars. Boo. Coming to our show without knowing what our show is? Well, guess again, pal.

[C]

Welcome. If you're unfamiliar with the game or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very, very easy game. We'll explain once we get our amazing esteemed panel up here. Our first contestant tonight, you know him from the Beautiful Boys podcast. He is currently on tour. Make some noise right now for the hilarious Andy.

[D]

Ha.

[B]

Andy. Happy to have you on the show, my friend.

[E]

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I've never done anything with you guys

[B]

before, so this is called career suicide.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah, I know, dude, your mustache is fantastic.

[E]

I know. It's. I never thought I could grow it, but then I got a divorce and I really leaned in.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's a divorced mustache.

[E]

My divorce mustache.

[C]

You gotta get one earring.

[E]

It was actually kind of an ultimatum. It was like the mustache for me, and I left my family.

[C]

So smart.

[E]

You got to stand up for yourself.

[D]

Smart.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Can I tell you something? That fucking mustache is never going to let you down.

[D]

No.

[C]

That family would have eventually.

[B]

Our second competitor today also making his Story wars debut. The number one Indonesian comedian in the world, with 1.7 million followers on Instagram. He's more famous than any of us in Indonesia. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for a Panji.

[D]

What's up, you guys? Oh, I thought it was speaking Indonesian.

[B]

Oh, is that what that was? I thought he was calling you a racial epithet.

[C]

Yeah, he was your longtime enemy here.

[D]

The guy was saying good morning in Bahasa Indonesia.

[C]

Well, that's the only thing he knows because it's nighttime

[B]

and these people are all white. They went there for the prostitution, I'm assuming. We're happy to have you making your Story wars debut, my friend.

[D]

It's an honor, man. Thank you for having me assume all

[B]

of your stories are going to be, like, one time. I was stung by a giant mosquito with malaria and I know nothing about Indonesia.

[C]

Yeah, one time. I got on the school rickshaw to go to school once when eating bat soup.

[D]

That's actually. That's actually authentically Indonesian.

[C]

Yeah, it could be. It could be. Thank you for joining us. Panji. Finally, last but not least, making their debut right here on Story wars from Kill Tony, currently on the My Best Work tour. Make some noise for the hilarious Peyton Ruddy.

[B]

Peyton welcome to the show, my friend.

[F]

Yo, thanks for having me, guys. I really appreciate it.

[B]

It looks like you're about to dominate in an eating competition.

[E]

This is the scene from Standby Me.

[C]

Yeah, the sequel, but Andy's going to be a ringer. Somehow this guy just has a bottomless throat or something. Put it in my ass. They don't say how it has to get in you as long as it's in you.

[B]

Speaking of bottomless throat, give it up for Alex, our host. Come on, guys.

[F]

Alex. I would have done that.

[C]

Bottomless throat. Alex, if you're unfamiliar with Story wars or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very, very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and myself, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, pressure.

[A]

O.

[C]

Well, that was anticlimactic. Yeah, yeah, you do. But, you know, sell it harder, at least. Pressure. Alex, our lovely producer over there, is going to read off eight of those stories one at a time. It'll appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[B]

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it is your story, that is a huge opportunity. You don't want to squander that, that opportunity because you can get four points. And once you put your answer in the tablet right here and slide it over it, locks it in, you cannot change your answer. And I'll say right now, none of you guys have played this before. It is so much fun. This is the most fun you're ever going to have on a podcast. But we're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

[C]

Every week here on Story wars, we're playing for a book from the Story wars library. Tonight's winner. Tonight's winner will take home Hiroshima by John Hersey. Hiroshima shares accounts of the real life atomic bomb dropped by the United States in 1945. Told through the experiences of Japanese survivors, this story captures the initial blast itself, the drama leading up to its detonation, and the power one nuclear weapon had over an entire city.

[B]

And I will say it is the thinnest book we've ever given away Story wars history.

[C]

I have a very quick ending.

[F]

I have an ad, I have an app called Goodreads, and that book is for real in my want to read category. So I'm going to be playing very, very hard tonight.

[C]

Hell, yeah. All right. I think everybody who's going to get it, gets it. Do you think this crowd's ready for war?

[B]

New york comedy club, new york city. Are you ready for war? Ugh.

[C]

Well, then, Alex stuck in story number one.

[G]

Story number one. I once had a girlfriend who said she liked me because I'm funny to a point where if I wasn't funny, she would get very upset and angry. I had to prepare a set of jokes every time I wanted to call her or meet her just so that she wouldn't go crazy on me.

[B]

Well, you know, it's not me because none of my girlfriends think I'm funny.

[C]

It's true.

[E]

I don't think it's Pongi because it's illegal to talk to girls there.

[C]

I'm thinking it's Pongi or Peyton. This seems like something.

[F]

I'm a. I'm a regular getter, man. You don't have to. I wasn't playing this kind of game, man.

[D]

I'm thinking this is Andy, because Andy looks like he's. He would do anything for. I mean, you're a filth, right? You fall in love frequently.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I.

[E]

But this isn't. This is because I also am not funny. So nobody's ever thought that I'm more.

[C]

But you have, like, a chiseled face. You're slim, tall. Yeah. That's not your problem. This. Yeah. As a. As a fat person myself, this feels a little bit like Peyton because, like, exactly. I've been there before. A girl that I feel is out of my league, and I'm performing. Performing for her constantly. So if not, you know, I have to be about 2 more inches of dick. Hilarious. Every time I was around.

[B]

Being funny is like having a Ferrari.

[C]

It really is. So it's like. That's where I'm leaning towards. I'm leaning towards Peyton.

[B]

Yeah, I'm kind of leaning towards Peyton, too. I've known most of Jay's girlfriends, and, Yeah, I mean, all of them, I think, loved you for you, Jay.

[C]

And they had to.

[B]

He cheated on all of them. They were idiots. These were stupid.

[C]

I couldn't. I couldn't believe another girl wanted to

[B]

me multiple sets per night to go between girlfriends.

[F]

I got a feeling it's Pongi here. To be completely honest, that sounds like something that happens overseas.

[D]

Overseas. Like, this is a South Asian, Southeast Asia kind of thing.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

This is how you pay for bat soup.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I still think this is Andy, because. I don't know.

[F]

I don't know.

[D]

Andy comes off to me as, you know, somebody who would do.

[C]

He.

[D]

He's a romantic person.

[E]

You're calling me a. In such a nice way.

[D]

I mean, you gotta have something else to offer, you know?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

You're not, like, beautiful beautiful. You know, I mean.

[C]

All right.

[F]

Hey, I'm logging it in.

[E]

Thank you.

[B]

Andy looks like he walks around Tennessee calling black people the N word.

[C]

Oh, yes. You think he's hot, too?

[B]

I'm saying he's got great ideas and he's hilarious.

[C]

This also could be, like, a story from, like, a village back home. So I think it could be panji. This is tough.

[B]

I'm kind of with you on this, Peyton. Tell me why this isn't you. I mean, I heard. I heard that you have an attractive girlfriend. Somebody said that.

[F]

Certainly.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And the only way a fat guy is getting an attractive girlfriend is by being absolutely hilarious.

[C]

I mean, lots of dough.

[F]

There's.

[B]

He does have a lot of dough,

[C]

but it's pizza, dough, hand, turkey,

[B]

nothing, really.

[F]

Look there. There's four. There's four women in here right now. Lad. Would you go out with a guy like me based on how I look? You're shaking your head.

[D]

She said she was way too good. Like half a second.

[F]

Yeah, that was very quick. You know, sweaters.

[C]

It trusts a little bit too quick. You could have given no response.

[B]

Or just say yes.

[F]

Is this your boyfriend right here?

[C]

It's an audio medium.

[F]

Is this your boyfriend or you guys are together?

[B]

Well, yo, she's like, I'm single as they've ever been.

[F]

Are you single? You're married.

[B]

I'm desperate for love, and I would never touch you.

[C]

Oh, I hope this guy doesn't her.

[F]

Yeah, you know what and who.

[B]

It's your little sister. I hope you don't her.

[C]

Or you take her a little Southwest and her. Yeah, it's okay there.

[F]

Well, I'm sorry you wouldn't want to be with a guy like me, but I certainly can get by on my. On my looks, you know? Right, guys?

[C]

Well, hell, yeah, Peyton, that was a beautiful speech. I still think it's you because it could be me and it's not me.

[B]

I'm locking in Peyton as well, but I. Part of me is thinking this could be Pongi.

[F]

Do whatever you want, man.

[E]

I love it. None of us have thought it's you because we don't think you would, like, respect a woman that Much.

[C]

I'm not gonna dance for too long. Once I feel like she's in, then I'll be like you. I'm sweaty.

[B]

Story one down. All of our answers are in. Alex, whose story was story number one?

[G]

Story number one belongs to Pongi.

[C]

What it was.

[F]

What did I say? I'm a regular getter. I said this. You go yourself.

[D]

She's gonna have a lot.

[C]

Apologize sincerely. I apologize. I knew it was a village story.

[B]

Who is this awful.

[D]

This. It happened in high school, guys. Right? So this is high school. She's actually my first ever girlfriend. I. I'm a late bloomer in relationship as well. And so I would do anything I can to make sure that she won't leave me. And then she sees me as a funny guy. And every time I call her or we're together, I have to crack jokes. I was. I wasn't even a comedian. I was already making set list before. I'm a comedian. That's crazy.

[B]

Give me. Give me one of the jokes. You would tell her something.

[D]

You'd say, it's in 1995. I would remember.

[C]

Say the N word.

[D]

Got it.

[C]

We'll take it, Reverend. Keep in mind, this is 1995. Please continue.

[B]

I feel like. I feel like she should have had to accept you as it was an arranged relationship.

[C]

That's right. She was promised to you.

[D]

That is also kind of. Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's indigent in the 70s.

[B]

Alex, where our points at?

[G]

All right. In second place with two points, Peyton Ruddy. And in first place with three points, Pongee.

[C]

God damn it.

[A]

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[C]

Well, Alex, story number two.

[G]

Story number two. As a teenager, I accidentally ate an entire container of what I thought were delicious blueberries, but ended up being pie filling. I came home having to shit really bad. Locked out. I climbed through a window and shit purple down the side of the House and all over the floor. Floor. I cleaned it up using my mom's white towels.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Wow. I got to tell you something. This had me.

[D]

This.

[C]

This had. This had me at. At Payton all the way up into. Climb through the window. At which point I immediately thought only Andy.

[B]

I would think it was Andy if it says I cleaned it up using my mom' sheets.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I. Is it just me or I can actually hear the way you said this? It sounds like you.

[F]

No, I. I completely agree with me. Climbing. I cannot climb through a window. And also, Andy very much is a guy who grew up with nice white towels. I can tell.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, we didn't have the white towels.

[F]

Yeah, my towels had holes in them. They were scratchy.

[E]

Well, I definitely know it's not Pongi, because I don't think they have blueberries. It's only for the king.

[C]

Very expensive import.

[D]

Common people. We eat papayas and bananas. That's what we eat. The commoners.

[F]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

As soon as I ate an entire container, I literally locked in Peyton on my board. But I really don't know. You're right. I think climbing through the window would be a difficult thing.

[F]

But Peyton, I got to know how high up the window was.

[B]

Yeah. Were you always a big boy? Were you always a big boy?

[F]

Of course.

[C]

Yeah. If it. He's young. If it wasn't, it'd be a medical miracle. I was actually yoked until high school.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

No, the road is hard. It's.

[D]

I'm still thinking it's Peyton because we don't know how long it took for him to climb through the window. Right.

[E]

He said it took.

[D]

Took. Took him an hour.

[E]

And also he shit down the side of the house. So I can see a stuck in a window situation.

[B]

That is tr.

[F]

As funny as that sounds, I. I didn't. I didn't have, like, lunch lady ass growing up. Like, it wasn't. I wasn't getting stuck. And like, I couldn't not get through the window. You know, I mean, like the chipmunk in that one movie.

[E]

Sorry. This is the kind of porn that I watch.

[C]

So I think also big guys, we don't like. I don't. We wouldn't make attempts at things where you're like, I could get stuck because you're just. You'd rather just not do the thing I just.

[F]

In the yard or myself.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Absolutely. We were. We were all fat kids. If I had to climb a fence, I was just not doing it.

[C]

Yeah. Either. I've walked away from full friend hangs and been like, I actually. I have to go home right here at this fence. It turns out

[F]

I'm. I'm locking in Andy. I think it's Andy.

[B]

Yeah. And this is kind of Andy vibes. I mean, Andy also, like, I feel like Peyton could eat an entire container of blueberry pie filling and still be hungry.

[F]

Another really sad but true point you made right there, Lewis.

[E]

I think it's you.

[B]

Yeah, you racist.

[E]

Yeah, you would have written in Spanish. Now I take it back.

[B]

I ate some blueberries.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I just can't see Louis eating blueberries.

[C]

No. And also, like, yeah, his mom didn't have pies. Mom wasn't making pies. Or did she have white towels? She had a lot of burnt spoons.

[B]

Don't be an asshole. Don't be that way, dude. She was a good woman. And she stopped using heroin when I was 4. Then she went back when I was, like, 19.

[C]

Yes, she raised you first, and I respect that. When you're 18, you gotta move out. Cause I want that sweet junk back in my life. I have waited 18 years. Ooh, that first one's gonna be good.

[B]

All right, I'm going. Andy.

[C]

Yeah, this feels like Andy.

[B]

Final answer.

[C]

This is gonna be Peyton. And he was thin.

[F]

I should know.

[C]

Alex, we're all in.

[G]

Story number two belongs to Peyton. Ruddy.

[D]

You worth it, right?

[F]

No, never.

[D]

How did you do it? Through the window?

[F]

The window was on the first floor, you dumb idiots.

[C]

Wait a second.

[E]

It was a basement window.

[B]

It wasn't the height of the window. We were concerned about you getting through the window.

[F]

Look, I mean, I was.

[C]

Do you think that a. A window is a storm seller because

[B]

he crashed through his dining room bay window?

[F]

No, I. Yeah, I had eaten a ton of pie filling. I think I kind of knew what it was, but it was so good that I'm like, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna clear this out right now. I'm just gonna eat all of it. Me and my brother went and we hung out during the day. We, like, walked. We weren't driving at the time, so we, like, walked. And then we came back to the house. And, like, halfway back to the house, I'm like, oh, man, I got a shit. And then we got to the house. Everyone was gone. Like, it was locked. And I was like, dude, I'm gonna shit my fucking pants. And so we went around the back. The back door is locked. And then the window had no screen glass. And then it opens. Opens the window. And he goes, don't. I'm gonna Walk in. If you climb into the window, you're going to shit yourself. And I. It was like, okay, all right, I'll wait for you to open the door. So he climbs in first. I, like, couldn't wait. I'm like, I got to get in the house. So I climbed in through the window, and as soon as I spread my legs, I opened the floodgate and just shit purple all down. I don't even think it digested. It was just the pie filling coming out of my fucking asshole. So. And then I cleaned it up.

[E]

It was like, you got punctured.

[F]

Anyway, as I was saying, I get pussy on the regular.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

Fuck you.

[B]

Now she's attracted.

[C]

Yeah, dude, she's gonna blow you in an Uber after this. Don't tell mom and dad.

[B]

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

[G]

All right. Tied for first place with five points each. Pongee and Peyton Ruddy.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Rough first two.

[B]

All right, folks, let's take a quick moment and thank Brunt Workwear for supporting the show. We love Brunt Workwear here at Story Wars. The only boots that I'll ever wear. I'm never going back to wearing any other boots. They're the most comfortable boots I've ever worn. They slip right on like an old pair of sneakers. I own two pair of Brunt workwear boots. Jay, I know you love them as well. I watch you rocking your Brunts all the time.

[C]

Oh, we love Brunt workwear here. Brunt is celebrating America's 250th anniversary with a special collection of limited edition hats, shirts, hoodies, and boots. All the work where you can need in tribute to the blue collar workers who built this fine country. The collection will only be available for a limited time, and if you've been thinking about upgrading to your workwear, do it now. Stop overpaying for workwear that doesn't last for a limited time. Story warriors can get $10 off by going to bruntworkware.com then use the code wars with a Z at checkout. W A R Z. It's top tier gear for an incredible price with a risk free trial. There's no reason not to give them a shot. That's bruntworkware.com B-U-N-T workwear.com Code wars with a Z at checkout. All right, let's get back into it.

[B]

All right, story warriors, you might be wondering why I am so damn good at being deceptive and telling these stor. And that is because I drink body brain coffee. Not only did I do I drink, but I created this product a little more than a year ago and it is taking the world by storm. Functional coffee that is actually made with real coffee, premium freeze dried Colombian coffee that's blended with nootropics and adaptogens that will genuinely make you the best version of yourself. If you're a man above the age of 30, your testosterone is declining. That is the truth. Tongkat Ali has been linked to testosterone support, virility, energy. It's a great, great, great supplement and I'll tell you right now, I was taking it before I even started Body Brain Coffee. I started taking it and it genuinely makes me feel great. We thought we also got lion's mane in it. Ashwagandha and L Theanine. Five simple ingredients. You could drink it hot, you could drink it cold, you can put in a protein shake. However you want to enjoy your Body Brain Coffee. You can enjoy it and it will make you feel great. Try it yourself, see what everyone's talking about. See why we have all of these amazing five star reviews on Amazon and on Shopify right now? Just go to bodybraincoffee.com use the promo code WAR20WAR20 to save 20 off your order today. If you subscribe, you get 20 off and you get free shipping for life. So subscribe and get it monthly or just give it a shot. Give it a try. Use that promo code WAR20 for 20%

[C]

[e-mail] hey, story warriors, let's take a quick second and thank one of our amazing sponsors. And that is Ultra Pouches. No nicotine, no caffeine, just the good stuff. You can give your brain and body a clean rush right now with Ultra Pouches. With a blend of nootropics and vitamins built for focus and mental clarity, Ultra Pouches power you through the day workouts and on the go, they stay hydrated and they don't dry your mouth out. They're delicious, nutritious and a great way to satisfy those cravings. No dizziness, no stomach rumbles, clean energy and five great flavors. Cool mint, Wintergreen, tropical watermelon and the all new Blue Raz.

[B]

I use these every day, literally every day. They have Alpha GPC in them which is a great nootropic that, that is great for memory, brain function. I have terrible adhd so I started getting into nootropic somewhat recently and Alpha GPC is a super popular one. It also has B12 which I was just taking anyway and they Taste great. It's a great way to just like I have an oral fixation. You know, I used to smoke and I. You know, I used to. Whatever it is, it kind of satisfies that oral craving that I have sometimes. Pause. And they also have brand new sleep pouches. Well, you should know this. This is pretty cool. The sleep pouches are built for clean natural rest. So you can try their energy pouches or you can try their sleep pouches. See what the buzz is all about right now with Ultra pouches, it's the ultimate guilt free pouch. And you're gon instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or the caffeine. And right now, if you use the code wars with the ZWA RZ, you're gonna get 15 off at Take Ultra dot com. That's Take U L T R A dot com. 15 off with Code wars with a Z. All right, let's get back into it. Alex, Story number three.

[G]

Story number three. I once got pulled over for speeding and I had a bong, a case of beer and an AK47 in my trun where I had also left my wallet.

[C]

This sounds Indonesian. As. What?

[F]

I mean,

[C]

that's a crazy choice. No, dude, I grew up in AK47 in his trunk.

[B]

I grew up in New York. There's no AK47 in our trunks in New York.

[C]

You think Lewis is riding dirty?

[F]

Yes, 100%.

[E]

I think Lewis knows where to get an AK47 right now.

[C]

No, no, you got him pegged wrong. No, he doesn't know that.

[B]

Andy, where'd you grow up?

[C]

He knows where you can hire a low level prostitute to have sex with you for $500.

[E]

Tell me after.

[B]

That's a pretty high level prostitute. Jay, you grew up in Seattle?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

What are the gun laws in Seattle?

[C]

Oh, loose.

[B]

Yeah, there are a bunch of queers there.

[C]

You're right.

[F]

How old are you, Andy?

[E]

I'm 43.

[F]

So this is prime nirvana years.

[C]

Oh, yeah. No, you're not wrong.

[F]

This is exact a guy in Seattle,

[C]

you were getting ready to smoke weed and drink some beers and shoot up your school. Yeah, with the lights out, he's less dangerous. And I would have got him if it wasn't for that rascally cop.

[D]

I don't see Andy doing this. Because I don't know if you know this, but Andy regularly run. He jogs at Central Park. That's not something that would have an AK47 in his trunk or something.

[E]

Also, I don't think we can have AK47.

[F]

That's a great point Ponji. Also, AK47 is like some guerrilla warfare that you might be used to, right?

[C]

That's what I'm thinking. This seems like a problem.

[D]

Nah, Indonesia is close with the US. We have M16.

[E]

Did you trade the Marines for the case of beer? What did you give them?

[F]

Paji Padji had a case of king cobras in his trunk.

[B]

Bungie had a vial of tiger blood.

[D]

No, this. I.

[F]

It's.

[D]

It's impossible because. Because of. It's impossible for us to have bongs in Indonesia.

[B]

No bong.

[D]

No, you can't. It's for smoke. To smoke weed, right?

[E]

Yeah, but you can make a bong out of anything.

[C]

Well, this is making me more think it's Andy. Who leaves their wallet in their truck drunk.

[B]

Peyton, where did you grow up?

[F]

Seattle? No, I

[C]

Root and Tootin. Houston.

[F]

I grew up outside, about 35 minutes outside Chicago.

[B]

Outside of Chicago. That's.

[D]

Oh, that's.

[B]

But wait, Chicago is a dangerous place. But Peyton's a sweet boy. I couldn't imagine.

[F]

I just ate pie my last. The story I had was literally like a Winnie the Pooh story. You think the next fucking story, I'm like, yeah, fucking like, I got a piece on me.

[C]

So. It was so boyish. It was so sweet and boyish. You're not wrong.

[B]

I can't imagine.

[C]

I don't think he has an AK47 also. Oh, my AK47.

[E]

But wait, wasn't Philly was really dangerous when you were there?

[F]

Oh, Andy, stop.

[B]

Jay never had. Jay never had an AK47. Jay didn't start smoking weed until he met me when he was like 35.

[F]

Life.

[C]

It's true. I've never owned a case of beer. And me and Lewis went shooting where I left immediately, because I go, too scary and loud, dude. This is you, Andy, with your camo hat and your hunting black people mustache.

[B]

Jay turned two shots out of the gun. He put it down and he walked outside to smoke a cigarette. I was like, where's Jay?

[C]

I go, I'm going to smoke. I go, I'm going to smoke. I go, you fucking. Yeah. I go, you can use the rest of my bolts. And then I shook outside like an abused wife.

[B]

Not Jay. I mean, but you did hang out with a lot of black people.

[C]

Yeah, they had guns.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah. But not AKs.

[C]

Now, I've never seen an AK before.

[B]

1947 is a wild thing for anybody on this panel to have the only person I can see. I know nothing about Pongi. When did you move from Indonesia to The United States. And where did you move when he

[C]

was here, when he was smuggling arms into the country?

[D]

I moved to New York. 2022. I moved to Flushing like most Asians do.

[C]

Hell, yeah. Perfect. Good movie theme.

[B]

So you were Indonesia up until 2022?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[F]

I feel like it's not an Indonesian thing to have a case of beer. I feel like most like teenagers, Indian, Asian, I bet they just got like a 40, you know? I mean, they don't have beer.

[D]

Andy is very quiet.

[C]

Yeah,

[B]

Andy's reliving that day.

[C]

He's like, if I just would. That's why every now I always carry my wallet in my front pocket, and it's having flash.

[E]

He's having flashbacks. I literally hate guns. I. I'm. I think I'm the biggest on stage.

[C]

No, dude, I hate guns. I'm the biggest on stage, dude. Don't fight me.

[D]

You have a camouflage hat.

[E]

Yeah, but it's. It's.

[D]

I'm.

[E]

It's stolen valor. It's a running store.

[F]

You also never actually just.

[C]

Oh, it is a running store. Most of my decision was made about that camo hat.

[F]

No, no, don't go back on.

[B]

He's just trying to hide from real end.

[E]

Yeah, it's literally. It's literally where I bought my running tights from. You guys are so wrong.

[C]

Then you go cruising through central parking the panji.

[E]

I'm the guy that kills all the gay guys in Austin.

[F]

Yeah, well, nobody's saying it was your ak.

[B]

That's another great point.

[F]

And if you don't like guns, putting it in the trunk seems like the place to put it if you're not into it.

[C]

Seattle could have been.

[D]

Why would you wallow it in the trunk?

[C]

That's the strange part.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And if you ask me, that's some white.

[B]

I know nothing about Ponty, but my first instinct was pon. This seems like something that just happens in parts of Asia or India or wherever this is. I have no idea where. I don't know where.

[C]

The police are all corrupt and everyone wears fatigues.

[B]

I have no idea. Big J is a crazy thing. Now. I think it's Andy because Andy just threw a Hail Mary for no reason.

[E]

No, because I. He's been the most quiet. Nobody's even accused Jay once of it.

[B]

Nobody's ever accused Jay being quiet. I got to be honest.

[C]

I know we had a full conversation back and forth, particularly with Andy. I had.

[B]

All our answers are in. This is a mystery to me.

[G]

Story number three belongs to Andy.

[D]

Hay.

[F]

Let's go.

[D]

Let's go. I'm actually good at this.

[F]

Yeah, you're good at this. I know. Yeah.

[B]

I am getting butt on this show right now.

[C]

Yeah. Dog, dog, bend over, spread your cheeks and love it.

[D]

That's crazy. You had an AK47.

[B]

What the fuck happened here, Andy?

[C]

Washington state.

[D]

Avoid Central park, you guys, I went

[E]

to school in the hood in Seattle, which sounds like an oxymoron, but there was just some bad kids that did graffiti and had guns and, you know, you could drive like 30 minutes and go to the woods and drink beer and smoke weed and shoot. Shoot guns at a van that we hope was empty.

[C]

Or it was a family just trying to rest on their cross country trip.

[B]

It was Peyton wearing a red sweater.

[F]

It's me halfway stuck in the camper window. Somebody opened the door. I had too much pie filling.

[C]

He goes, it's an alien. There's purple coming out of its ass. Yeah, he's bleeding purple.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah. I knew it was Andy. I picked Lewis almost just for the bit, but I should have known.

[C]

Oh, I think I'm on the board. Alex, what are our points? After three.

[G]

All right. In last place with zero points.

[B]

Don't be a Lewis.

[G]

J. Gomez.

[C]

It's gotta be said. It had to be said. It had to be said.

[G]

Tied for third place with two points each, Big J Okerson and Andy Haynes on the board. In second place with five points, Peyton Ruddy. And in first place with seven points, points Pongi.

[E]

Wow.

[D]

I'm a natural.

[E]

Indonesians are great liars.

[D]

Now. We're good at reading people.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[D]

That's how we protect ourselves.

[B]

Story number four.

[G]

Story number four. When I was in elementary school, we were being shown a video about slavery for the first time. And after the video was over, I patted my black friend on the back and said, I'm sorry that happened, man.

[D]

I'm 100%.

[B]

I'm not sorry it happened.

[E]

Not me.

[C]

I don't know why. I mean.

[E]

Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's panji because I think slavery was have. It would have to be past tense.

[F]

Yeah, right. It's still. It's still going on.

[D]

Yeah. You know, it's not me because it's impossible. I don't have any black friend in Indonesia.

[C]

I had a feeling.

[E]

Yeah, you guys all gotten all those

[F]

Seattle Andy answered too, like, hey, man, sorry that happened, man.

[C]

Do you want to go.

[E]

Do you want to go shoot aks in the forest?

[F]

Hey, I know it'll make a up for slavery. A case of beer, a bong and an AK47. Let's go to the woods and shoot, man.

[E]

I got some pretty awesome reparations.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So Big J grew up in Philly. Lots of black people.

[C]

Almost exclusively.

[B]

Peyton grew up in Chicago. Lots of black people.

[C]

A lot of blacks.

[B]

A lot of blacks, too. Too many blacks.

[F]

Too many blacks.

[B]

So I'm getting Peyton or Big J vibes.

[C]

Sure. I get why. I'm getting why you're feeling me.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

She's saying, look. She's looking right through you, Jay.

[C]

That's fine. It's not me. Great.

[F]

Are you black?

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah. I don't know why I asked. I don't know why my answer wasn't good either. Yeah, I had a feeling.

[B]

Oh, Andy just put his wallet back in the trunk.

[F]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah. What? I don't know what a weird conversation that was. Are you black? She said, yes, and he just went, oh, okay. He just accepted it. She's clearly not.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Do you have blueberry poisoning

[C]

for the straightness of her hair?

[F]

I thought it was a wig.

[G]

Maybe.

[C]

I don't know that that's all real. Clock it.

[F]

You know what? But Big J's got some like this. That seems very nice. You'd be like, you think this lady is black? I know what black people are.

[C]

That is batshit.

[F]

Yeah, I have a feeling it's.

[C]

I tell you what. Whoever did this, and that's why I think it was Lewis, did a good job swinging this my way.

[F]

I'm going, Big J.

[D]

All right.

[C]

I'm going with Lewis, because I just want to keep.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[C]

What?

[F]

What?

[C]

Don't do your thing where you fucking bully me into not voting for you. All right?

[B]

I was being your friend because I want to keep Hiroshima in the Story wars library, but good job locking it in, asshole.

[C]

You want to hurt me?

[B]

I don't.

[C]

You want to wink at me before it's you and I voted for somebody else even after I already had you locked in.

[B]

The Academy Award goes to Big J over. Wow, the acting. The acting right now. Never have I been more convinced that this is Big J. Did you just. Heil Hitler. What the fuck was that?

[C]

I was throwing my heart to people.

[D]

He's doing the Elon Musk thing.

[C]

My heart goes to you.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Are you Jewish? My heart goes to you, black lady. Hey, black lady. My heart goes to you, black lady. Hey, you black bitch. My heart's going to you. My heart's going to you, my black lady.

[B]

What are you thinking, Panji?

[C]

Suck balls. This is Louis you got everybody. Dude, this was a good move by you. If this is you and I'm locked in that it is. You got people good.

[D]

All right, I'm going with Peyton,

[C]

you sucker.

[B]

Is this Big J overacting you?

[C]

Alex, hold on.

[B]

I didn't put my answer in here.

[C]

We'll give your fake answer. No, you're gonna stop all. You're going to be the first.

[B]

I think this is Big J.

[C]

Or someone's rocking up Good. If it's not you, dude, it's not me. Wow, someone's killing it.

[B]

If you're still acting, there's no reason for this. We are all

[C]

just. I do understand the plight of the black man. Jews, Blacks. Both slaves. Alexandra, please.

[G]

Story number four belongs to Peyton Ruddy.

[C]

Panji saw it.

[F]

I am.

[D]

I may come from a third world country, but I have a first grade brain.

[C]

You guys, you might be almost a perfect game right now.

[B]

Not everybody voted for him before.

[F]

I would just like to say real quick, I'm sorry that happened. Miss.

[B]

What? Is there any more to the story? Who's this guy that you apologize?

[F]

Just a guy I was in elementary school with. They had the projector down and they were showing us a slavery video for like the first time. And I was like. And they like turned the lights on, put the screen up, and I just turned them like. I'm really sorry about that. It was out of love. It was like a very berry. Like, I was like. I don't know what to say, but

[B]

part of you was like, I bet you this guy could pick a lot of blueberries.

[C]

Oh, my God. Get him in his house,

[B]

God damn it. Alex, you don't have to say my score, but give us the scores you can, though.

[G]

Well, Lewis, you're in last place with zero points. Tied for third place with two points each, Big J Okerson and Andy Haynes. In second place with eight points, Peyton Ruddy. And in first place with nine points, Pongi.

[E]

Wow,

[C]

Pongi, you are so close. Close to ironically taking home hiroshima, because in 1945, Japan was a longtime world superpower making all sorts of big moves in geopolitics. The United States dropped the little boy bomb as a Hail Mary in the final days of World War II, wiping out entire blocks instantaneously, leaving devastating loss in its wake. Here she Schema. Cool day.

[B]

This is the worst game I've ever played. It's really bad.

[E]

Is that science fiction? Is that book?

[B]

Basically, we're at the halfway point of the show. At this point. We're going to do some Quick plugs with our guests. Peyton, what are you plugging my friend?

[F]

I'm on tour right now. If anybody wants to come to a show@peyton ruddylive.com or Punchup Live. Peyton Ruddy. I'm on tour for the rest of the year and. And all of next year pretty much. So please come to a show. Appreciate it.

[B]

Very funny.

[C]

Pton.

[B]

Ready? Hilarious.

[D]

P. I have a. I have a special out on YouTube. It's. It's called Boss level. It's a. I taped it last year, so that's probably it. Yeah, Boss level on YouTube, you guys.

[E]

Mr. Haynes, I am taping a special at the Bell House May 30 and anybody in this room that wants to go can come for free. So

[C]

DM me.

[E]

I would love you there. I need asses in seats.

[C]

Go support.

[E]

Yeah, come on out.

[C]

Andy's hilarious. Go support that bigjaycomedy.com for all my dates. And then of course listen to the bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk series 6 and 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. The Legion of Skanks, the flagship show right over here at Gas Digital. And if you. If you want, you can watch me on the Kevin Hart roast on Netflix right now.

[B]

Killed it. Killed it.

[C]

Congratulations. Thank you.

[B]

So funny. Come see me on the road. Louisof skanks.com and if you love the show, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad free version of the show with pre release. Comes out every Monday night. You don't have to wait until Thursdays to watch it on YouTube or elsewhere. You can watch it on Gas Digital.com just subscribe to Gas Digital, use the promo code WAR. You save a couple bucks bucks a month that supports the show directly and you can watch the show both ad free, uncensored and plus you get about 50 episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or anywhere else. So support the show. Also buy my book. I got a book called Knives and Spoons. You guys can get it right now on Amazon or @barnes and nobles.com and yeah, let's. Let's talk about the second half, Jay.

[C]

Well, the second half, Louis, you probably feel like.

[B]

No, because I know.

[C]

Why'd you even come to the city, you dumb.

[B]

Nope.

[C]

You sure just called in sick. You've had a worthless time being here. You've affected the game. Zero Hero. I'm gonna in no way whatsoever. But he's not out. He's not out of this game at all. This can turn around in one round because for the Second half of the show, we go double points.

[E]

Holy.

[C]

Yeah. Pretty simple concept, obviously. Whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you would get one point point. And if you guessed the correct store, you would get two points. That now jumps up to double points.

[G]

Also.

[B]

You have two points. You're not that much far ahead of me. You're coming at me like that.

[C]

We're in third place. Dude, you're being really emotional right now.

[F]

No way.

[B]

I've never been this far behind. Making me furious.

[E]

Zero.

[B]

Zero.

[C]

You're sitting on a fat zero. Yeah.

[B]

Jay was the first person to ever get zero points in an entire game.

[C]

Why do we got. That was weeks ago. This got nothing to do with anything. You're have zero right now, maybe. Idiot. Alex. Story number five.

[G]

Story number five. I was asked to sing a song by a certain artist while they were in the room. I practiced, panicked, and almost bailed. I saw the artist watching from the back of the room, and I did a great job.

[B]

Huh?

[F]

This is okay. This is 110% Pongi.

[C]

Yeah, no, that was my first thought.

[F]

I was like, you know why it's pongy? Because anybody from this country would say who the artist is. Whoever you perform for, we have no idea who the fuck it was.

[E]

Tic Tac, Racky, Sack.

[D]

You know, honestly, it does look like something I would do, I seriously think. But no, man, I. First of all, I know it's not you. You don't panic. That's for sure. And you never practice anything.

[C]

True.

[D]

I think now.

[C]

Okay. I mean, practitioners like Panji's panic talking to too.

[B]

Asians love karaoke. They're great at karaoke.

[E]

This is true.

[C]

Artists is a weird word.

[B]

Artist is a weird word. But can I say this as well? Like, Big J hangs out with a lot of musicians. He's a great singer.

[C]

What?

[B]

You're a great singer. You've done the goddamn.

[C]

This is making me think it's you.

[B]

You think it's me?

[C]

You think I'm a great singer?

[F]

I could see Andy actually in a room with Michael Buble and being like, okay, hang on. Let me just. Haven't met you yet. I could see you doing that. I have a feeling it's

[B]

CJ could also be hiding the artist because it could be somebody like Corn or Rob Zombie or something like that. And he doesn't want to give it that.

[F]

But you don't need to be a good singer to go. You don't need to.

[D]

I think I'm just crazy. What's bothering me is why would the artist ask One of us to sing a song. That would be. That's kind of wild, right?

[F]

Not if you're the biggest comedian in Indonesia.

[E]

Yeah, this does have big fob vernacular.

[B]

I don't know, dude. Well, I was asked to sing a song by a certain artist while they were in the room. I feel like I would know if Big J was asked to sing a specific song by that artist.

[C]

I've never been asked to sing a song. Like, would you please bless us with this song? It seems like a weird.

[G]

Weird.

[E]

The thing that's throwing me off is. And I did a great job, I feel. Yeah, that's not an American way to talk.

[C]

That's how I feel. Yeah. That's not.

[D]

I don't know what to say, man.

[C]

If that's me, an artist was fun. Good.

[E]

You got to not use Google Translate the next time you do these.

[C]

I'm with Peyton. I think I'm going with Peyton on this one.

[F]

Oh, you're out. Oh, Panty. Okay. I thought you said me. I'm like, what?

[C]

I'm going with your choice.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, man.

[F]

100%.

[B]

Dude. I think Big J's racking up points right now. Oh, that's my first inst. I'm not ignoring my first instinct anymore. I've been doing that all night and up my game.

[C]

You're going to Panjy. All right.

[B]

Oh, was Pany.

[G]

Alex, Story number five belongs to Big J Anderson.

[F]

Yes, you.

[B]

Fuck you, dude.

[D]

God damn it.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

You son of a bitch. It was Puddle of Mud, wasn't it?

[C]

No, I wish. No. When I did the Nashville Comedy Festival years ago at Kid Rock, they did a comedy jam at Kid Rock's bar.

[B]

It was Kid Rock. Same.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So we did. So me and Josh Ademar said, we're gonna do a ball with the ball. And then. So when I went on stage and we did the. We did the song, I looked off in the distance, I saw Kid Rock standing by the door and just sitting there kind of watching. And I was like, oh, shit, this is gonna be so fun. And I went up there and I mean, we fucking crush that song. It went so good. And then as soon as we were done, I looked over again and realized that was just another white guy with pigtails. He wasn't there at all. So I never got the.

[B]

My name is big,

[C]

big, baby.

[B]

I'm on the board. That's nice.

[C]

You're on the board.

[B]

Alex, where are points? Set.

[G]

All right. In last place with two points, Andy Haynes.

[E]

What am I going to tell my

[G]

fourth Place with four points, Lewis J. Gomez. Tied for second place with eight points each, Big J Okerson and Peyton Ruddy. And in first place with nine points, Pongee.

[B]

Oh, I'm coming back, baby.

[D]

Boys.

[B]

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[C]

Yeah, just Lewis eating over a sink by himself, void of any kind of love in his life. But you could also, also, you could also.

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[C]

Yeah, in two minutes. You could love on that filet mignon. Yeah, dude, they, you know, I've been with Factor for a long, long time. Years now, in fact. They are a great default. Even I said we get home late from work, not a lot of options open. And if you want to order food, it's expensive, you're rarely satisfied, especially that time of night. If you're a late eater, kind of have to be like. Like I am for sure. This is great. You don't feel terrible about yourself, especially when you go to sleep so close to eating. Pretty fantastic company. If you head right now to factormeals.com wars50off and then use the code wars50OFF to get 50% off and free daily greens per box. Now, here's what I'll say at the end of all this. You're getting 50% off. So understand they're not just going to make that easy. All right, now it's going to hand you 50% off. You're going to have to go to factor meals.com wars with a Z50 off w a R Z50 off and then use the same thing as the code and then Wars 50.

[B]

If it was easy, guess what?

[C]

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[C]

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[B]

Oh, yeah, we're gonna Cuban, bro. We're expanding a few weeks where we have our Cuban links ready to rock. I have a new bracelet that I'm gonna be wearing as well. Just great, great stuff. Look, I'm not gonna go spend a wild amount of money on jewelry, right? And I never even realized how much I wanted to be blinged out until GLD came on as a sponsor. They look really cool, really great. You see me wearing them, Jay, you wear them. My son wears them. Bobby Kelly wears them. We want Maxi. Max has his Cuban links as well. It's genuinely a great company. And this is an ins. Fact is they give you a lifetime warranty with all your pieces. You're gonna have them for life. You're gonna give these to your grandkids, these pieces. Right. But we're gonna give you.

[C]

I'm gonna give it to your grandkids.

[B]

Give it a. Whatever you want. To my grandkids. You little. You old pervert.

[C]

I'm gonna give it to them, dude.

[B]

My grandkids are gonna be. Dude, all grandkids are gonna be gay in the future. They're gonna love it.

[C]

Oh, you're little hot Puerto Rican grandkids.

[B]

Use the code wars with the ZWA RZ to get 40 [e-mail]. that's an insane deal. W A R Z Z. 40 off. Make a story for your family with GLD. Gld.com Code wars with a Z for 40% off. All right, where were we? Alex, story number six.

[G]

Story number six. I slept on an air Mattress for over a year. It would lose all of its pressure every night, and I'd wake up on a hard floor every morning.

[F]

Now, I would just like to say something really quick. I know I've been lying a little bit through this show. This is not me. I swear to God. I promise you. This is a story I could send, but I did not send this one.

[B]

Yeah, this is a fat guy story. Or a poor person story. Or a fat, poor person story. Which Jay was for a good 30 years of his life.

[C]

38 years of my life, quite honestly, maybe 42.

[B]

J, did you ever. Did you ever sleep on an air mattress? No.

[C]

This seems like. This feels like you, dude, you were a fucking vagrant. I never slept with an air mattress in my life. But also, even if I slept on an air mattress, like once, a few, but never for like a fucking over a year. No way. I moved from my mom's house to an apartment where I had a fucking bed. And then I never stopped having beds. I guess since that point. Call me crazy, but you were big as beds. Oh, yeah.

[B]

You're a rich guy over here.

[C]

You were a raging loser. I think you didn't give a. Dude, you would sleep anywhere. You would have brought a chick back to your flat. Air mattress. I've been like, you have to be quiet when you suck my dick because my landlord lives with me. It's my drug dealer's mom. This is all real.

[B]

Shit is real. That was a bad. That was it. That was a bad.

[C]

You, dude. This is Louis.

[B]

Jay is voting very quickly.

[C]

Yep, I have a. Jay is voting

[B]

very quickly because he's. Because trying to push it on me.

[C]

Yeah, because I'm the air mattress guy. You just heard my explanation. You know I'm right.

[B]

Vote for me.

[C]

If you believe it's me, vote for me.

[B]

I'm not 100% positive yet. There's other people in the panel.

[C]

I came.

[B]

You. But I am. I am. It is. You are talking a lot. You're talking a lot. This is what you do. Anybody notice?

[D]

Stop it.

[B]

Don't touch that. Don't be an asshole.

[C]

Vote for me, dude.

[B]

I'm gonna vote for you.

[C]

You believe in me.

[B]

You believe in me.

[C]

Vote for me.

[B]

Talk shit. And let me say this. Let me make this. If it's not you, Let me make this very clear. Big J. There can be. There can be two stories in a row. It's happened plenty of times. Big J is having a full fledged meltdown in front of everybody.

[C]

Is that what's happening? Or am I Killing it.

[B]

You're not you.

[C]

The crowd loves me and they know. Then vote for me.

[B]

Two points. I'm gonna vote for you, fuckface. Here, look. Big J voting for you, you fucking asshole.

[F]

Cole.

[B]

Big activation.

[D]

You guys have a problem.

[B]

Please.

[E]

I think

[B]

you're. By the way, you're about to let Jay pull ahead of everybody because he's acting like an.

[D]

This is so weird.

[B]

Pan.

[D]

That's so weird.

[C]

Lose is so happy. He just got some points.

[F]

I. I slept. I slept on an air mattress for

[C]

over a year and it would lose me. It could be. They only have nobody.

[F]

Nobody said it would lo. I lose all of its pressure overnight. That sounds like that. I. And that's not a racist thing. I just. Nobody I think says no.

[C]

I'm going to tell you, Peyton, it was a little racist, but it's great. No, no. It might win you a book.

[F]

I'm merely putting it in perspective.

[B]

I realize that we should read every story in an Asian accent just to make sure.

[C]

I think it's the only thing that's making me think it might not be. But it is, Lewis.

[B]

It's really not. Now, I think it could be Panji if it's not Jay. But Jay's acting crazy.

[D]

I agree, but he's acting crazy.

[E]

Panji's rich in Indonesia, so I don't think he would do that.

[F]

But who says, oh, I slept on an air mattress and all the pressure let out last night.

[C]

That's not right. No, I think it might be Andy.

[B]

Oh, if it's Andy, I'll kill myself.

[C]

Everybody's in.

[E]

It's not Andy.

[D]

Alex, look at your face, you so happy.

[B]

Oh, it might be Andy pulling your head right now.

[D]

He's going to get double points here, Alex.

[G]

Story number six belongs to Louis J. Oh, my God.

[E]

Thank God.

[B]

Well, Jay, I guess you nailed me. There was multiple years where I lived on an air mattress.

[D]

Fine.

[B]

Then yes, I brought girls back. Then fucked him on the air mattress. When am I gonna not get laid? That's crazy.

[C]

You have to come before the top of the mattress hits the floor.

[B]

I lived in, actually a very, very nice apartment in downtown Brooklyn. Me and my buddy Forrest. And it was a giant loft, open loft. It was so cool. We had a drum set and a video game station. My bedroom was a six person tent in the middle of this fucking loft. And in that tent was mattress that would lose air every single night. And it would wake up with my neck all cranked and my back all up. And that was a full year, by the way.

[C]

You Were having a blast that year. Imagine just now if that was your life. Like, I've blown it completely.

[F]

I don't. I still think it's pany. I still think I like the.

[C]

He won't let it go. He won't let it go.

[B]

Oh, Alex, where are our points at? Because I am coming back, baby.

[G]

All right, in last place with six points, Andy Haynes.

[E]

Damn.

[G]

Still in tied for third place with eight points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Peyton Ruddy. In second place with nine points, Pongee.

[C]

Wow,

[B]

this could be one of the nights, folks.

[C]

It could be one of them nights.

[G]

And in first place with 12 points, Big J. Okerson.

[B]

God fucking damn it. God damn you. Double points.

[F]

O.

[B]

I love watching girls do the Ooh. Cuz they can't do it. So, like, We have two more stories. You guys having fun tonight?

[C]

Yo, remember that. Remember that guy got beat up before the show? He said he kicked someone's ass, but I'm just gonna keep acting like he got beat up. Remember he got beat up and then had to come to the show off

[B]

a homeless person by a bum?

[C]

Sure, dude, whatever. Yeah, whatever. That's not what the cops told me,

[B]

Alex. Story number seven.

[G]

Story number seven. I once had to perform without my underwear because I had thrown them away in a city trash bin after shitting myself on the way to the comedy. I crushed it, though.

[F]

Now I would just like to say something really quick.

[C]

Oh, you're pressure. You're shitting.

[E]

What comedy clubs do you have to enter through a window?

[B]

The Cellar, comedy seller.

[D]

I don't. Peyton wouldn't give two stories about him.

[B]

You'd be surprised.

[C]

You don't know a city trash bin again, seems like a foreign thing to call it a city trash bin.

[F]

I could totally see.

[E]

But if you throw away your underwear in Jakarta, you do get caned.

[C]

So they'll put bamboo under your fingernails for some shit like that.

[F]

I could see Jay crushing a burger right before a set and being like, oh, I'm in a pickle right now.

[C]

No, no. You almost heard Alex making noise there. I'll try not to eat until.

[E]

Did you have to commute to the city?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. But I'll eat first time of the day, two o' clock in the morning. If I have to perform. I try to not eat it all before shows so everyone in my mind, everyone will think I'm thin until they. He's tricking everyone. And then later eat McDonald's and I'll bounce back to normal size.

[B]

Can I say this though? Like. Like, Andy, you're in good shape.

[D]

You're.

[B]

You know, you're. You're tall. You're. This is like. I feel like you're. When people tell stories about shitting themselves, most of the time it's not a fact. That was a very surprising was Peyton. Because that's embarrassing. And I would never share that about myself. If I had your body type, I could.

[F]

Andy does look like a guy who's like, got shitty underwear in his hand. Like running into a coffee shop. Do you guys have a bathroom?

[C]

I'm going to go with. You know what? I think Peyton has loose bowels.

[F]

No, I mean, don't. Don't do this.

[B]

I'm telling you, it's right on the nose. I mean, Peyton's mind. I. By the way, I did a podcast of Payton earlier on today. He only had a very short amount of time because he had to shoot himself.

[C]

I gotta go myself in the park real quick. So if this is. If that would be. If that's all.

[B]

I'm also getting Peyton vibes.

[C]

I.

[B]

Very often when the first thing you think that's who it is. And Peyton could have easily put in two stories. Pton. How many stories did you submit today?

[F]

I submitted four.

[B]

Four stories.

[F]

I. I'm telling you, it's. I'll do the big J thing. You can vote for me all you want.

[C]

Okay, thank you.

[F]

I'll do that. It's not me. I'm telling you,

[B]

he did give you permission.

[C]

God, I felt bad. I was like, he's not going to like me. He was like, no, I want you to.

[B]

I was like, oh, Pongie, have you ever shot yourself?

[F]

It's Andy, man. I know it is.

[D]

Not until after I graduated elementary. I don't. I don't shit myself after I graduated elementary.

[C]

What about when you got our amazing American food and your. Your weird octopus soup stomach wasn't ready for it? A cookies and cream milkshake. That's gonna blast.

[D]

I used to eat. I used to eat food from the third world country. Everything in New York is clean and pristine.

[C]

Oh my God. It's so much better than guano past. What else is something.

[B]

Just grubs from underneath the tree.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wood grubs.

[B]

Yeah. Andy, you know what is. Here's the other thing. Peyton is. He's a very great writer. He's very funny. I feeling like Peyton wouldn't put in two shitting stories for that reason and that reason only.

[F]

Also, I. If I shit myself right before my set, I'm bombing this person included. I crushed it though.

[B]

I also feel like a Peyton shit himself is going to ruin more than just his underwear.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

It's going to ruin my Nick night. I can't myself throw it out and have a good set. Andy.

[D]

Little.

[F]

Little Twinkie guy.

[B]

Yeah, that is true. He poops. Andy. Andy poops like a rabbit.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

I think if I.

[C]

My pants, I just go, I'm not doing this set. I'll go, oh, yeah.

[D]

But the. The I crusted though sounds some f. Similar to the what? The what? The what with the singing.

[B]

That's right. That is a good point.

[C]

But I did that very specifically to. To. Because I. If the story got read, I wanted to be able to go. And then also the person wasn't Kid Rock at all.

[F]

So it's not me though.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

My instinct to say Andy, but now you're kind of convincing me that it's Big J. Punji. Won't you do an impression of what you think Big J would sound like reading this story?

[D]

I once had to perform without my underwear because I threw them away in a city. True. Trash bin myself on the way to the comedy club. I crushed it, though.

[C]

Yeah. Myself in the comedy club. Crush it though. Yeah. I had to form it out my underwear.

[B]

Andy, what do you think? You're being very quiet over here.

[F]

Certainly.

[C]

I'm totally at a loss.

[B]

He's currently himself.

[E]

Yeah. He's making as I'm my second pair of boxers that I'm gonna throw away. No, I don't. I. I'm really at a loss.

[B]

Benji, what are we. What are we thinking here?

[D]

I don't know. I'm trying to.

[F]

I'm trying to.

[C]

Oh, here we go. Oh, dude, someone's. Who.

[B]

Did I say the. The. I crushed it, though, is what's making me think it's Big J. Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. You're cocky.

[C]

That's. I don't say that at all.

[B]

No, it's cocky in your underwear. You threw them out.

[C]

I'm worried this is Lewis now because, well, it's not you. You're taking too long to vote, so I know it's not you, but that's a crazy. Really? You think I'm a I crushed it guy? I'm not that person. You really think that?

[B]

Yeah. Really? I'm still voting for Andy, but you're my second vote.

[C]

You were on Molly that night.

[B]

Alex. All of her answers are in.

[G]

Story number seven belongs to Pongi.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[G]

What?

[D]

Give me my double points, you guys.

[B]

Did he just get a perfect around? Oh, my God.

[F]

Damn it.

[C]

That's huge.

[D]

I. I am both lactose intolerant and an idiot. I had to. To. I was from Flushing going into the stand.

[B]

You should have flushed those underwear.

[C]

Yeah, you were flushing.

[D]

I was already crazy on the seventh train. I. I'm not religious, but I'm reciting all the prayers in the Holy Quran and then I just. I just can't think straight. And I just. I remember there's this one club I know I took a shit there and so I took off from the seventh train, went there sick as shit, but it's too late. Had to throw it away.

[B]

This happened in the past two years? Yeah, that's crazy.

[D]

Happened in 2023.

[F]

What club?

[C]

Holy shit.

[D]

I had to perform at the stand, but I threw it outside Producers Club.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, them. We're Directors Guild people.

[B]

All right, Alex, we're up

[G]

in last place with six points. Andy Haynes. Tied for third place with eight points each. Lis J. Gomez and Peyton Ruddy still in. In second place with 12 points, Big J Okerson. And in first place with 17 points, Pongi.

[B]

At this point, just so you know, the only person who's got a chance to catch up to Pongi is Big J Okerson. So you're our only hope for to keep this in the Story wars library.

[C]

I'm the only one hope I'm bring home.

[E]

Only hope to keep it in America.

[C]

You're goddamn right. Hiroshima suste here. Hiroshima follows the survivors of said bomb as they live in Japan through injury, loss, and a radiation sickness no one fully understands. Make no mistake, the bomb didn't just destroy a city, it reshaped every life it touched, long after the moment of.

[D]

Great book.

[B]

I've read it twice. We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen. You ready for your final story? Come on, folks. Alex, story number eight.

[G]

Story number eight. Once in my 20s, I got blue balls so bad that when I eventually busted, I came so hard that I hit the opposite wall with force.

[F]

That. That sounds like a guy being l. That. That's getting launched off an. Off an air mattress. It sounds like.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Who says busted?

[F]

You went so far deep into it when you came, you launched into the back of the wall in the.

[C]

Yeah, I eventually busted.

[D]

But the way the guy says it, once in my 20s, like it's a long time ago.

[C]

Yeah. How old are you, Peyton?

[F]

I'm 42. No, I'm. I'm 25.

[E]

Okay, so it's not Peyton.

[D]

No, it's either you or Jay, me

[B]

and Big J or Louis. We don't have the type of reach to hit an opposite wall with.

[C]

But it would be a story if we did.

[F]

Wait, I'm confused. Did the jizz hit the wall or did you come so hard that it, like, launched you into the cuz? I'm thinking that you were like, go.

[C]

I think about that. You were pushed back by your own.

[F]

Like, Marty McFly into the wall. You know what I mean?

[C]

Like, yes, yes.

[E]

So you can't be.

[C]

Lose your load. Had the power of a space amp.

[E]

It can't be Lewis because he lived in a loft. It would be too big.

[B]

I mean, I lived in many apartments in my.

[C]

No, but don't remember. He was in a tent, so he had to hit the other side of the tent.

[E]

Oh, okay. That is technically a wall.

[F]

It's a close distance.

[D]

I hit the opposite wall with four. Force is also something a cocky person would say.

[B]

It's true.

[C]

When I eventually. Busted. I don't feel like that's how Andy talks. Maybe it is. Maybe the guy's a total perv. Maybe I've had him all wrong. Maybe that mustache is saying something I didn't understand at first.

[F]

I think it's big J, honestly.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Busted is not something I say.

[B]

Yeah, busted is a. I used to be a wigger word.

[C]

Busted is something current spigger would say.

[D]

Damn.

[F]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[B]

Holy.

[C]

Guys, no. Come on. Take my heart. Take my heart, guys. See, I have a good heart. I'm sending it to you. I give you my heart.

[B]

Yeah. Asians aren't saying busted. That's insane.

[F]

Maybe Lewis doesn't. If Lewis has to jerk off, he jerks off. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

I don't feel like you get blue balls. Like, you're like, oh, I got no time.

[B]

If. If Peyton had blue balls, he would eat, eat and eat them, thinking they were blueberry. Blueberries.

[C]

Is this pie filling?

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[F]

That's why I couldn't get in the window. My balls were so big. My balls were huge. I couldn't get into the window.

[E]

I thought my mom made blueberry pie. It was cum.

[B]

I started coming.

[E]

Sorry.

[B]

Everywhere.

[F]

You know, I think it's Big J here. I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Busted. Is this the word here?

[E]

It sounds like it goes with big shorts.

[C]

My blue balls and my big shorts.

[F]

I gotta know what the blue balls were from.

[B]

Yeah, but blue balls, I feel like is a myth.

[F]

No. Have you. Okay, I agree.

[B]

What did you just. I've never.

[C]

I've never had pain because I was like. I thought. I didn't.

[F]

Ow. You've never left a strip club with your balls hurting?

[B]

No.

[C]

I thought blue balls. I thought I was.

[F]

I guess it's just me.

[B]

Me.

[C]

I always assume blue ball is like a term for the situation. Like, I thought I was going to and I didn't. I've never felt a physical pain from it.

[B]

That's real.

[E]

That sounds like.

[C]

You better start making with the. Stop making this guy. He seems like a good guy. You're making him go to work in pain all the time because you're precious.

[B]

He's like, she's a real. I never get blue balls with her.

[C]

No, dude, this girl's an open in his faucet. Do whatever I need. She's there for.

[F]

I went bit.

[E]

Wait, you're saying you've never had blue balls?

[C]

I don't. Not. Not anything. I would say. I would say the metaphoric blue balls in the sense of you never dry

[E]

humped and then didn't come.

[C]

Is this Andy? This is crazy.

[E]

That is.

[C]

I had Panji almost locked in. I'm going with Andy. That was in that line of questioning was crazy. Yeah.

[B]

I've never. I've never gotten, like, not been able to come and then my balls hurt. Never in my life.

[C]

Dude, distract me. My balls hurt. I need a friend now. Come over here and play video games. My balls are hurting.

[F]

Wait, there's one way to figure out who this was. After you came, how did your set at the comedy club go? Got to find out.

[C]

Slaughtered.

[E]

I think it's Big J. I wouldn't say. Busted.

[B]

A lot of people voting for Big J. I mean, look, if this is not. Let me say Jay.

[C]

I was gonna say Panji, but I went with Andy.

[B]

Me. Dude, it doesn't matter for me. I can't win.

[C]

So you're giving points to somebody? Maybe so.

[B]

Panji is really far ahead right now. I mean, it doesn't. I think. I think at this point, even if I vote for Pang, it's not going to matter. I'm gonna go who I think it is. I think it's. I think it's. It's Big J. Randy, who do you guys think?

[F]

Big J. Clap your hands if you think.

[B]

Hold on, hold on. Clap your hands if you think it's Big J. Clap your hands if you think it's Andy. My vote is for Peyton Ruddy.

[F]

Oh, come on.

[B]

Andy Haynes. My final vote. I'm going with the audience. Just because. Why not.

[C]

Alex?

[G]

The final story belongs to andy haynes.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[D]

I hit the opposite wall with force.

[C]

Did you take back the lead?

[G]

Huh?

[C]

I don't know.

[D]

Wow, what a comeback, Jay.

[F]

Unbelievable.

[D]

Crazy.

[B]

Andy, tell us about this time that you. You got blue ball so badly that you came so hard that you hit the opposite wall.

[E]

So this girl that was my girlfriend in college was a virgin. And so we weren't having sex, but we like dry humped all night. And then I was, I didn't come and so I was like, what do I do? And so I just laid there for hours and my balls ached and ached and ached. And then at like 6am, I couldn't take it anymore, so I went into the shower to jerk off. And when, I'm telling you, when I jerked, when I came, it hit the wall with super circular force. Like it, like it, like it, like could have cleaned off grout. Like it was. My balls were like convulsive. It was insane.

[C]

I don't hate when you waste that on just yourself.

[E]

Yeah,

[C]

I've got maybe in 40,

[B]

in

[C]

48 years, all of my best loads end up happening on my own chest or legs. It's never been on a girl where she's like, oh, my God, this is crazy how much it's never. They're always like, oh, did you come? And I go, yes, that's what those little tears are on your fucking cheeks are.

[B]

Alex, give us our final scores.

[G]

All right, in last place with eight points, Peyton Ruddy.

[F]

Dammit.

[G]

In fourth place with 10 points, Andy Haynes.

[C]

Thank you.

[G]

In third place with 12 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[E]

Nice.

[B]

It's a respectable spot score.

[G]

Second place, scored 16 points. And your winner tonight with 17 points.

[E]

Wow.

[G]

PI.

[C]

By one point. What a great game. Your margin, your newest story, Warrior PI.

[D]

Double points.

[C]

You guys, thank you so much.

[D]

Thank you.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

Double boys, double points. Thank you.

[D]

Thank you so much.

[C]

Appreciate it. Ponzi, you're taking home Hiroshima by John Hersey.

[B]

This is going to be very painful for you to read.

[C]

It's going to be very painful to hear the recollections of your grandparents as they went through radiation poisoning. Our newest story, Warrior. Pongi. Thank you so much for being here.

[D]

Thank you, man.

[A]

I appreciate it.

[C]

To our amazing panel, Peyton Ruddy,

[F]

Andy Haynes,

[C]

Panji. Your newest story, Warrior. Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us at Story Wars. I'm Big J Okerson.

[B]

I'm Luis Shay Gomez.

[C]

Till next time. Peace.