StraightioLab Podcast: "Cruises" w/ Nicole Byer

Host: Big Money Players Network & iHeartPodcasts
Episode Date: January 27, 2026
Guests: Nicole Byer
Hosts: George Civeris, Sam Taggart

Episode Overview

In this episode, comedians George Civeris and Sam Taggart are joined by the irrepressible Nicole Byer to dive into one of the most mysteriously "straight" experiences in American culture: cruises. As always, the trio skewers cultural phenomena with humor and curiosity, exploring what makes cruise vacations so enticing for some—and deeply repellent for others. They detour through topics like gym culture, smoking, cooking, pop culture, and the future of both AI and physical media, all before landing the ship squarely back on the subject of cruises and their bizarre, all-consuming social dynamics.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. LA Life, Gym Culture & Nudity

[02:45–10:12]

• George and Sam discuss adjusting to LA—George finds he's liking it more when busy with "places to be" and treating it “as if living here, not visiting.”
• The gym as a hub for both wellness and uncomfortable socializing: Sam talks about running into acquaintances in the locker room and sauna, “Is it normal to be naked in front of you?” ([07:03], Sam).
• Nicole recounts a man "Winnie the Pooh-ing it" (shirt, no pants/underwear) at LA Fitness, leading her to quit:

  "Because a man walked in once, Winnie the Pooing it...He sat on multiple machines." ([07:53], Nicole)

• The trio jokes about cosplay characters (like Hello Kitty in full costume) at LA gyms, musing on authenticity:

  “Sometimes actually having a mask on is more authentic than having a mask off.” ([09:39], George)

2. Waking Up Early is a Crime (or a Discipline)

[10:14–12:34]

• Early risers are suspicious:

  "If you wake up at 5:00am, you’re a murderer." ([10:45], Nicole)

• In LA, sleeping in feels shameful:

  "When I wake up at 10:00am in Los Angeles, California, people are like, there's a stench on you." ([11:29], Sam)

• Contrast LA vs. New York's attitudes on sin, productivity, and schedules.

3. Vices, Drinking, Smoking & Willpower

[12:34–18:53]

• The group swaps dry January tales, the futility and relativity of moderation.
• Nicole on smoking: she adores cigarettes and resists switching to vapes or Zyns:

  "I love a cigarette. I think they're delicious." ([15:49], Nicole)

• George credits Gwyneth Paltrow’s “balance between tofu and cigarettes” for briefly sustaining his own habit.
• Smoking as European and cultural:

  "Once you taste... this relaxes me, makes me feel cool... Don't do it because it's never—it's always going to torture you." ([15:51], George)

• Nicole shares her quitting smoking for a year for a partner, then restarting after their breakup:

  “The first thing I did (after the breakup) was light up a cigarette.” ([18:21], Nicole)

4. Cooking is Overrated

[21:59–25:45]

• Sam and Nicole both confess to hating cooking, with Nicole’s summary:

  “You have to fucking prepare everything. You have to get the ingredients… then you have to clean up after. Ugh.” ([22:24], Nicole)

• Coffee-making rituals are a dividing line: George cherishes them, Nicole skips, buying canned cold brew instead.
• LA’s disadvantage compared to NYC: fewer spontaneous food options within walking distance.

5. Celebrity Culture, Age, and Fame Evolution

[32:28–35:08]

• Nicole admits to not knowing who young pop stars like Addison Rae or Tate McRae are.
• Everyone expresses bewilderment at modern fame and the endless proliferation of “mildly famous” people.

  “Is everyone just going to be mildly famous and that's just going to be the new thing?” ([33:33], George)

• Ideal: "America’s Next Top 37 Year Old" reality show for new adult celebrities.

6. Main Topic: Why Cruises are the Apex of Straight Culture

[38:50–73:59]

“Cruises” as a Topic

• Nicole frames cruises as the laziest, straightest vacation:

  “A big nasty cruise ship where you bring your nasty little kids and your ugly wife that you hate… I don't want to think about my meals, I just want to eat at the buffet… feels like a lack of effort.” ([38:59], Nicole)

• Cruises are “comp-vacation”—the vacation equivalent of compulsory heterosexuality (“comp het”):

  “That's what a cruise is, is like comp vacation where you're like, I feel like I'm supposed to be on vacation, so I am. And it's like, you're not really there for fun.” ([39:40], Sam)

The Terrors of Being Trapped

• The ship leaves if you’re not back:

  “You're on this big ship with the same fucking weirdos… if you're not back, the boat fucking leaves you.” ([39:53], Nicole)

• Being on a timetable is inherently unrelaxing.
• The cult/community aspect is superficial:

  “The second you accidentally leave or make a mistake, you're shut out.” ([44:44], George recounting a cruise article)

Cruises - Modes of Transport Shouldn’t Be Fun

• George: “Modes of transportation need to be just that. Don’t try to make it fun… Don’t try to build a home inside the jet.” ([41:13], George)
• Sam: “Travel is meant to be painful.” ([42:02], Sam)

Limos, Party Buses & Faux Luxury

• Limos defended for their silliness, but party buses and private jets get called out for trying to put a “fun” facade on a fundamentally unpleasant experience.

Cruises as Artificial, Rule-Bound "Communes"

• The cruise attempts to create instant community, but loyalty is only “on board.”
• Nicole: “People just want community… But just talk to your fucking neighbor!” ([43:57], Nicole)
• George: Compares to Burning Man—commune with so many rules it comes full-circle to rigidity.
• Sam: Cruise contests (like dad cannonball contests) exemplify manufactured and unnecessary faux community.

Inclusivity & Kinks

• All-inclusive culture is criticized as “lazy.” It saps organic adventure.
• Cruises, even when themed as “gay cruises,” maintain their straight energy:

  “I still think a gay cruise is straight.” ([49:40], Nicole)

“Kink” of Being Trapped

• Sam wonders if being trapped on a cruise is a kind of kink:

  “Is there like a kink element to it where, like, knowing you are trapped, it heightens the experience?... I'm a sub for Disney for the next five days.” ([73:17], Sam)

Themed Cruises

• Discussion of themed cruises (Disney, Broadway, Rosie O’Donnell, band cruises) as further manifestations of the “let’s take everything from land and just put it on a boat” ethic.
• None of them appeal to the trio, except maybe a Rosie O’Donnell cruise.

Notable Quotes & Highlights w/ Timestamps

• Nicole on Quitting LA Fitness:

  "Because a man walked in once, Winnie the Pooing it...He sat on multiple machines." ([07:53], Nicole)

• On LA vs. New York Sin:

  “When I wake up at 10:00am… people are like, there’s a stench on you.” ([11:29], Sam)

• Nicole on smoking culture:

  “I love a cigarette. I think they're delicious.” ([15:49], Nicole)

• On Cruises & Community:

  "Cruises are lazy. In a way where I feel like straight couples sometimes get really lazy in their relationships because you just buy the ticket and then you choose your own adventure after you’re there.” ([71:13], Nicole)

• George on Cruise Community:

  “If you don't make it back on time, you’re just no longer part of it.” ([44:44], George)

• George on Modern Fame:

  “Is everyone just going to be mildly famous and that's just going to be the new thing?” ([33:33], George)

• Sam on Being a Disney Sub:

  “I'm a sub for Disney for the next five days. I don't have a personality. I am simply Disney's sub.” ([73:37], Sam)

Fun Moments & Detours

• Smoking & Shallots:

  • Nicole and George swap stories about the best ways to smoke and whether parliament cigarettes were designed for cocaine—“I just literally thought…” ([20:55], Nicole)
  • Shallots, “the gay onion”—Nicole: “It's a funny onion.”

• All-Inclusive Culture, Dorm Life:

  • Sam dreams of “all-inclusive normal life” (dorms with dining halls), but dreads cruise-style self-selected communities:

    "If it’s self-selecting, I’ll be able—I don’t like these people." ([72:35], Sam)

• Physical media & Magazine Nostalgia:

  • The group longs for the return of DVDs, magazines, and even jokes about podcasting on CDs:

    "We're gonna release the podcast in CDs. That would actually be huge, can you imagine?" ([60:51], George)

Final Segment: Shout Outs ([85:42–90:56])

• Sam: Shout-out to watching movies George recommends, and to Amanda Seyfried:

  “We love what you’re doing. That’s all that really matters… Sydney Sweeney, hang in there.” ([86:45], Sam)

• George: Shout-out to “straight men with a gay aesthetic sensibility” (ex: Paul Feig), wishing they used it for good:

  “You guys have all the power, and it is about time you use it.” ([89:56], George)

• Nicole: Shout-out to her pole studio “Luscious Maven Studios” and instructor Veronica, and a reverse shout-out to the rude staff at Bungee Air Fitness in Burbank.

Pop Culture Sprints

• Nicole’s infamous taste for “bad movies” (Craven, Venom) and her emotional response to Venom (“cried during Venom – because it's about friendships, really” ([68:10], Nicole)).
• Marisa Tomei’s turn as a tugboat captain is recommended viewing.
• Brief lament for Timothée Chalamet’s eternal twinkiness (“It’s also like, you can’t be twink forever. I’m bored. Grow up.” ([84:54], Nicole)).
• Tattoos: Nicole’s “butt menagerie” with food puns, and matching “Goodnight World” tattoo with Sasheer Zamata.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• LA & Gym Culture intro: [02:45–10:12]
• Sleep/Wake Culture: [10:14–12:34]
• Vices (Drinking, Smoking): [12:34–18:53]
• Cooking & Coffee Rituals: [21:59–25:45]
• Modern Celeb & Fame Confusion: [32:28–35:08]
• Main Cruise Discussion: [38:50–73:59]
• All-inclusive, Dorm Life Tangents: [71:43–73:08]
• Physical Media & Magazine Nostalgia: [60:24–64:18]
• Shout-Outs & End Segment: [85:42–90:56]

Conclusion & Takeaway

Cruises are pilloried as the ultimate straight vacation: devoid of effort, authenticity, or adventure, “a lazy way to do a vacation.” Even gay cruises, the hosts argue, inherit this straight energy because they prioritize predictable, community-in-a-can experiences over organic adventure.

The episode showcases what makes StraightioLab unique: digressive, joyous critique wrapped in warmth and absurdity. Nicole Byer shines, bringing her signature irreverence to every subject—from gym perils to the deep pleasures of “bad” movies and the therapeutic satisfaction of pole dancing.

Memorable Closing Quote:

“Cruises are lazy. In a way where I feel like straight couples sometimes get really lazy in their relationships…As opposed to, like, let's go to this location… Maybe you'll wander down a street and see something cool. I just—the thought of, like getting on my vacation and that's it.” ([71:13], Nicole Byer)

For further comic social anthropology, and to hear why all-inclusives, Burning Man, and Disney cruises are basically straight in spirit, catch the full episode.