StraightioLab Book Club: Murder on Sex Island w/ Jo Firestone

Summary

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StraightioLab Book Club: "Murder on Sex Island" w/ Jo Firestone

Podcast: StraightioLab (Big Money Players Network & iHeartPodcasts)
Episode Air Date: August 19, 2025
Guests: Jo Firestone
Hosts: George Civeris & Sam Taggart

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Episode Overview

The inaugural StraightioLab Book Club episode brings on comedian and writer Jo Firestone to discuss her comedic mystery novel, Murder on Sex Island. Hosts George and Sam delve into Jo’s unique comic persona, her process writing the book, and how her offbeat sensibility translates from performance and TV writing into fiction. The trio also spiral—delightfully—through tangents about social anxiety, gifts, dogs, sexual innuendo, the pitfalls of self-publishing (including a literally giant-sized first edition), and the existential woes of being perceived as “mousy” despite public adoration.

With trademark playfulness and relentless bits, the episode explores the blurry line between much-loved comedian Jo and the mousy, odd heroine of her novel—a dynamic frequently poked and prodded by the hosts. The book gets playfully roasted for its lack of explicit sex, the winding self-publishing journey, and its comedic spins on both reality TV and murder-mystery tropes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

First Impressions & Social Dynamics (02:18–08:44)

• Jo, George, and Sam riff on the stress of receiving gifts, with Sam admitting gift-giving makes him "more nervous about how to respond to a gift than he is happy about receiving it" (03:05).
• Jo jokes about the impossibility of being “normal” around Sam; attempts at normalcy devolve into absurd hypotheticals (peeing herself on a cactus) and bits.
• Theme: The performers’ anxieties about social expectations and comedic personae are foregrounded, establishing a meta-narrative about overanalyzing one's own quirks.

On Bullying, Formative Years & Social Standing (08:45–14:15)

• The trio swap tales of school bullying and social positioning, including Sam’s real-life bullying by playwright Jeremy O. Harris (09:19, 09:22).
• Jo recounts being physically small as a kid ("I was probably two feet tall until I turned puberty" [11:26]), and her chronic feeling of being "mousy" through college (“the girl with the Ronald McDonald hair” [12:19]).
• George describes his near-miss at popularity in New Jersey, foiled by moving to Greece (“I needed one more year. And then my family moved back to Greece, and then it was over.” [10:18]).

Micro vs. Macro Anxieties & Bits (15:02–16:35)

• A running riff on the modern prevalence of "micro" things—microplastics, microdosing, etc.—explores how “micro” induces a special kind of anxiety: “Micro is both more threatening and less threatening because it’s smaller, but it's more threatening because it’s like—is it in my pores?” (16:17, George).
• The gang lampoons how small worries replace big ones: "People that are afraid of big stuff, people that are afraid of little stuff” (16:42, Jo).

The Book: "Murder on Sex Island" — Inspiration & Authorship (19:00–25:25)

• Jo shares she began writing out of work scarcity and a newfound reluctance to go out at night:

  “Basically what happened is I didn’t have any work... And I was like, I don’t really like going outside at night anymore—you know that change in a woman’s life.” (19:39, Jo)

• The hosts relentlessly tease Jo about whether the novel is autobiographical, with Jo fiercely deflecting (“It’s not autobiography” [17:36]).
• Jo describes her dog’s issue with a trainer, leading to a bit about Sam’s mysterious charisma that causes everyone to “throw themselves at him” (22:10, Jo).

Tangents on Respect, Charisma, and Group Dynamics (23:40–26:06)

• Jo and the hosts discuss social capital, with Jo puzzling why respect always seems to go to her colleagues instead of herself.

  “I've never commanded respect in my life. But respect is being showered at you [Sam]” (27:37, Jo & George)

• The difference in how George and Sam are perceived is unpacked, suggesting George is approachable for small talk, and Sam is quietly mesmerizing, which amuses the group.

The Writing & Editing Journey (44:44–47:01)

• Jo self-published the book after rejections, initially printing it physically "the size of a calendar" (45:31), and jokes about her reversal from “micro” to “macro” ("Some things are micro, some things are macro. Can anything be normal?" [45:56]).
• She underwent multiple edits; humorous confusion about “forgotten” knives in early drafts points to the chaotic perils of self-publication.

Book Content: Sex, Violence, and Feminism (61:45–64:03)

• The hosts playfully complain about the lightness of sexual content in a book called Murder on Sex Island:

  “You'd be surprised how little sex there is.” (43:56, Sam)

• Jo admits she found it hard to write sex scenes:

  “It’s just so hard to be like, ‘He put his sausage in there or whatever.’” (44:03, Jo)

• Discussion of the book’s group of male murderers and the use of poison as a “feminine” weapon segues to a conversation about whether sexism and feminism underlie the plot.

  “A big part of the twist is that antifreeze is seen as a feminine weapon. So the men take advantage of systemic sexism...” (82:23–83:02, George)

Workplaces, Writer’s Rooms, and “Pre-Com” (64:42–66:16)

• Jo coins “pre-com” to describe Sam’s subtle pre-complaint inhale (“so basically, that is the stage of pre-com—pre-complain”).

  Sam: “But you must understand that when Jo says, ‘Sam’s going to pre-com,’ people are like, Jo, that is crazy.” (64:52)

• Recurring tales of miscommunications in writing rooms and the blurred boundary between wackiness and professionalism.

Surreal Jo Firestone Moments (37:08, 38:32, 40:09+)

• Jo’s boyfriend is introduced as possibly being the reincarnation of the Aztec god "Totec," as babies point at him and say “Toe Tec”—a running absurdist gag.

The Elusive Line Between Life and Fiction (31:13–32:18, Repeatedly)

• George and Sam keep challenging Jo about the overlap between her oddball persona and her book’s protagonist, Luella.

  “It’s written in first person, right? From a mousy woman who’s incompetent...” (33:11, George)
  Jo: “Just because I'm also incompetent and mousy doesn't mean that we're the same person by any means.” (30:35).

• Jo resists the connection, but the hosts keep drawing parallels between her anecdotes and her fiction ("First of all, I don't think you're incompetent because you did write a book..." [30:48]).

Industry Satire & Anti-Fame (88:19–89:01)

• George and Sam ask if the book is a satire of Hollywood, with Jo denying direct connections:

  “And actually that is something we wanted to talk to you about. Is like is this book you having been inside the Hollywood Beast?” (88:23)

• Jo clarifies that villainous characters in her book (mirroring real comedians she has worked with) were not intentional parallels.

Memorable Quotes & Bits

• On Social Anxiety:
  “The stress outweighs the gift’s value.” — Sam (03:05)
• On Normalcy:
  “Sometimes if we are going to interact normal, we have to say it.” — Jo (05:27)
• On Comedy Persona:
  “To Sam, you are Patch Adams. To you, you are Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada.” — George (55:51)
• On Sex in the Book:
  “You’d be surprised how little sex there is.” — Sam (43:56)
  “I just couldn’t bear to do it.” — Jo (43:39)
• On Workplace Language:
  “That is the stage of pre-com—pre-complain.” — Jo (64:42)
• On Professional Rivalry:
  “I've never commanded respect in my life. But respect is being showered at you.” — Jo, to Sam (27:37)
• On the Duality of the Hosts:
  "The two of you are like two puzzle pieces. But when you put the puzzle pieces together, it is a gun." — Jo (36:38)

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Notable & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Cactus, Peeing & Being "Normal" — Early banter (05:38): Jo: “Can we just be normal tonight?...What would happen if I flipped upside down and got stuck on this cactus?”
• Jeremy O. Harris bullied Sam in high school (09:19): “Sam was bullied by Jeremy O. Harris. Did you know that?...And then Jeremy came on this very podcast and talked about it.” (09:22–09:45)
• Micro/macro societal commentary riff (15:02–16:42): “It actually is true that everything is micro... micro is both more threatening and it's less threatening because it's smaller.” — George
• The Book’s Origin Story (19:39): “Basically what happened is I didn’t have any work... And I was like, I can’t. I don’t really like going outside at night anymore.” — Jo
• Publishing Misadventures (45:31): “I accidentally made the book really big.” — Jo
• Totec, the Aztec God & Babies (38:32–40:29): Surreal tangent about Jo’s boyfriend.
• Pre-complaint as ‘pre-com’ (64:42): “If I'm like, hey, does everybody want a present? Or hey, who here needs a coffee? I can tell when Sam goes like...That is the stage of pre-com.” — Jo
• Self-deprecating book promo (75:01): Jo: "You're promoting your big book. Is that it's not available on any bookstore, so people have to listen to this podcast."
• Violent 'happy music' moment & Tarantino (52:14–53:36): Jo: "Nothing's going to go wrong today. Like, I had to listen to every day..." George: "There's nothing creepier than something violent happening while happy music is playing."
• Viola Davis, red lipstick, and the humiliations of TV (91:34–94:39): Jo recounts being asked to compete in status with Viola Davis, and failing.

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Book Club Q&A Highlights / Jo’s Writing Process

• Why a group of murderers (not one)?
  Jo: “I guess basically you just have to say what makes the most sense in the moment.” (62:14)
• Did Jo plot out the whole mystery?
  Sam: “You told me your writing process—for a mystery, you just have to know how it ends and everything else you can kind of riff.” (62:41)
  Jo (defensive): “I never did,” "I never said riff...come up with the ending and then come up with the middle, and then riff the rest.” (76:39)
• On self-publishing pitfalls:
  Jo: “It was like the size of a calendar.”
  George: "So. And then when you're holding it, it must look even more agile–surfing down the stairs on your giant ass book..." (45:39–45:53)
• On authorial self-doubt and projection:
  Jo: “I've never commanded respect in my life. But respect is being showered at you [Sam] on all left and right, left and right, and you are sitting there and saying, 'I'm mousy.'” (27:37–27:47)

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Running Gags & Meta-Banter

• Is this auto-fiction or not? The hosts never drop the bit that the novel’s mousy detective heroine is just a thinly-veiled Jo.
• "Suck or fuck" game: Parody of audience expectation for raunch, and how sexual language is deployed differently in queer vs. straight context (67:32–68:33).
• Macro vs. Micro: The scale of both physical objects (giant book, baby shoes) and anxieties.
• Workplace power struggles: Jo’s attempts to be “normal” as a head writer, Sam's understated rebellion, George as peacekeeper.
• Meme culture accusation: Jo accuses the others of being ruled by meme culture, not realizing they, too, feel alienated by it (95:16).

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Notable Quotes (Speaker & Timestamp)

• Sam on Social Anxiety (03:05)
  “The stress outweighs the gift's value.”

• George on Sam’s Acceptable-But-Aloof Vibe (23:15)
  “If you introduce someone to Sam, they will keep asking you, 'How is Sam?' forever.”

• Jo on the Writing Process (62:14)
  “I guess basically you just have to say what makes the most sense in the moment.”

• George on Sex in the Book (43:56)
  “You’d be surprised how little sex there is.”

• Jo on Professional Recognition (27:37)
  “I've never commanded respect in my life. But respect is being showered at you.”

• Jo’s “Pre-Com” workplace coinage (64:42)
  “If I'm like, hey, does everybody want a present?...That is the stage of pre-com.”

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Book Recs & Cultural Touchstones (102:56–104:38)

Jo’s favorite books:

• The Friend by Sigrid Nunez (103:03)
• The Appeal by Janice Hallett (103:36)
• The Secret History by Donna Tartt (104:09–104:19)

They joke about buying film rights and their group inability to answer literary questions seriously.

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Final Reflections & Takeaways

• The episode celebrates Jo's steadfast persona—awkward self-effacement shot through with oddball wisdom—while also poking at the mythologies comedians build around themselves.
• Jo’s struggles with both being perceived as “odd” and as a successful comedy “boss” run in parallel; the hosts gently needle her inability to reconcile her evident charisma and success with her self-described “mousey” anxieties.
• The book Murder on Sex Island is explored more as a springboard for banter about authorship, persona, and process, than as a traditional book-club subject, with hosts delighting in the meta-fictional possibility that Jo cannot help but insert herself into her own absurd narratives—whether she admits it or not.

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Endorsement:
Everyone is encouraged (gently, with many disclaimers and knowing winks) to buy Jo’s book Murder on Sex Island—a “great late summer read or early fall read” (114:11, Sam). Jo reaffirms her comedic genius even in her most self-flagellating moments, and the hosts’ admiration is clear—even as the conversation spirals, irrecoverably, into bits about large fonts, sexual euphemisms, and long boobs.

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For Listeners Looking for a Book Club Deep-Dive:
This episode is both a satire and celebration of contemporary comedian-authorship, comfort with chaos, and the way fiction, comedy, and neurosis tangle together. Expect to laugh more at the comedians’ lives than at a traditional book analysis—but expect, too, sly truths about what it takes to write, revise, and risk your persona in today’s culture.

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Not to Miss — Memorable Exchanges:

• Gift-giving stress (03:05)
• Viola Davis and the red lipstick (91:34–94:39)
• Pre-Com workplace bit (64:42)
• Totec the Aztec god and babies (38:32+)
• George’s heartfelt compliment (“You are quite literally one of my role models.” [110:07])

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For more, subscribe to StraightioLab’s Patreon or catch visual episodes on YouTube.

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Summary by AI. For questions & corrections, precom at your own risk.

Transcript

[Joe]

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[Sam]

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[Sam]

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[Christina Quinn]

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[George Severis]

Okay, Joe, start the podcast. Did you come prepared or not?

[Joe]

No. Listen, listen, listen. I.

[George Severis]

We're doing this as a favor too.

[Joe]

And I know that. Okay? I'm gonna send you something after. Okay?

[Sam]

Don't do that.

[George Severis]

Do you want us to dub?

[Joe]

I know exactly what I'm getting for both of you.

[Sam]

Don't do that, Joe.

[George Severis]

Sam, like you're getting a gift.

[Sam]

You get too many gifts for people.

[Joe]

Okay, Sam.

[George Severis]

I've never gotten a gift.

[Joe]

I've given Sam 18 gifts and each one he's like, thanks.

[Sam]

Sometimes I'm like, you don't need to give me a gift.

[George Severis]

You Know what I mean? I do think. Sam, if I may.

[Sam]

Please.

[George Severis]

I could see Sam being more nervous about how to respond to a gift than he is happy about receiving it. Even if it's like the dream gift.

[Sam]

The stress outweighs the gift's value.

[George Severis]

I will say you have a. I think it's funny because in fact, you follow social norms perfectly. And no one is ever like, wow, thank you. No one's ever like, sam was rude. Sam didn't do something correctly. And yet you have the fear of someone who does. Has never actually heard of a social norm.

[Sam]

Well, the fear is what makes you act correctly.

[George Severis]

That's true.

[Sam]

If you don't have fear, you're going to act out.

[Joe]

Well, Sam told me a very important story about his formative years.

[George Severis]

What is it?

[Sam]

Wait, what was that?

[Joe]

Oh, nothing.

[Sam]

Just remind me.

[Joe]

It's just about your formative years.

[Sam]

Tell me about my formative years. Remind me.

[George Severis]

Yeah, tell us, Jo.

[Joe]

Okay, so basically, Sam was young once and Drag me.

[George Severis]

Okay, not anymore, old ass.

[Sam]

Damn. Got me.

[Joe]

Sam, whatever. I'm still 20 years older than you.

[George Severis]

Okay, so, 70th birthday. You look amazing.

[Sam]

You look amazing.

[Joe]

I swear, every time I say, hey, Sam, how old are you? He goes, 26. And I'm like, that's crazy. I just turned 40. And it just.

[Sam]

I don't say that, Joe. I don't say that. That's not my age.

[Joe]

You stay 26.

[Sam]

Thank you. Am I. I do feel emotionally 26.

[Joe]

Yeah. That's where you stay.

[George Severis]

Well, we were saying, Sam and I are currently on tour together doing stand up comedy and not podcasting for anyone Wondering.

[Joe]

Good.

[George Severis]

And which, by the way, I actually wanna come back to this. Cause Sam said you told him comedy is over.

[Sam]

Joe, we brought you in here to sort of pretend we were gonna talk about your book. I'm here to expose you.

[Joe]

Sam, I don't understand. I really, I really was trying all week. I was like, I'm gonna be normal today.

[George Severis]

You told Sam.

[Joe]

I know, I know.

[Sam]

I have a text message that says I'm not going to be normal on Friday.

[Joe]

But I tried to be normal.

[George Severis]

Well, how do you. It hadn't started yet. How did you try?

[Joe]

Because I was kind of like, be normal, be normal. Because sometimes Sam and I, sometimes. Basically what happens? Basically, it started off normal. Just like you and me.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

I'd say we're normal. And then. And then basically what happens? Something over the course of the last two years. Yeah, something.

[George Severis]

Oh, oh, you mean like. I thought you were saying you and me are normal. Currently. And I'm like, well, we're actually doing bits. But you mean like generally as friends?

[Joe]

Yeah, physically.

[George Severis]

Generally speaking, we are normal? Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe]

Sam and I. I don't know what happened, but over the last two years, something shifted permanently. Where if we are going to interact normal, we have to say it.

[Sam]

This is so one sided. I feel so normal all the time. I would say Joe, for example. Joe and I went out to a gorgeous dinner with a dear friend and Joe kept saying, let's be normal tonight. Can we just be normal tonight? And I said 100%, let's be normal. We're walking back and Joe sees a cactus and goes, what would happen if I flipped upside down and got stuck on this cactus? She says, and then I start peeing on myself. And then I'm peeing and I'm on this cactus. Then what happens? And I'm like, okay, I'm laughing. Joe, that's a crazy thing to say.

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

Okay, just a few things off the bat. First of all, cacti seem to be a real theme with you because I noticed there was in fact a cactus cactus centric injury in this very book that you are here to promote.

[Joe]

Murderer. So much for bringing it to the promotion.

[George Severis]

Yes. Do you think you. You said that disgusting thing about the cactus to Sam in order to sort of incept him into inviting you to be a guest on our podcast on our inaugural Straighterlab book club?

[Joe]

George, I'm not. Look, I said please do Maggie Smith and you guys didn't listen to me.

[George Severis]

Does she have a book out?

[Sam]

Is she for that to be your.

[George Severis]

Go to go to book themed guests?

[Sam]

Wait, Joe, this is crazy because at our show in Chicago, I brought up Maggie Smith on stage.

[George Severis]

That's true.

[Sam]

Like completely randomly, we got Maggie Smith on the brain.

[George Severis]

So. Because so.

[Joe]

And we had the same dream once.

[George Severis]

That is insane. First of all. Second of all. Okay, second of all, to close the loop On Sam being 26, what I.

[Joe]

Was gonna say is that you're 27.

[George Severis]

I'm 27.

[Joe]

No drag you.

[George Severis]

No. I'm perpetually 55 and Sam is perpetually 26. And yet Sam is actually more mature and responsible than me.

[Joe]

Really?

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Sam]

We meet in the middle.

[George Severis]

We meet in the middle. But Sam, a through line in Sam's current material. Current half hour for anyone out there listening who's producing comedy specials. Is that it's about his inner child.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Joe]

And are you doing any jokes that end with the bang bang with the.

[George Severis]

Bang bang Comedy Bang Bang is a different podcast. This is Stradio Lab. We're owned by Will Ferrell's Big money players. Exclusive deal with iHeart. And we are so thrilled to have you on for our inaugural book club podcast.

[Sam]

Starts now.

[George Severis]

Welcome Maggie Smith.

[Sam]

Author of Murder on Sex Island. What's the bang bang?

[Joe]

You know, you do this thing where you do the bang bang with your foot. Me? Yeah.

[Sam]

You mean that. That one show when I stomped really loud?

[Joe]

Yeah, that was funny.

[Sam]

That was funny. But I didn't know it was gonna bang bang. I was wearing boots that I don't.

[Joe]

Normally wear on stage, so you don't do that again.

[George Severis]

That was less of a part of his material and more something he did.

[Sam]

Once I stomped on the stage, and it was so loud, and I went, ah. And I was scared because it was so loud. And everyone else acted crazy because it was really loud.

[Joe]

It was pretty loud.

[Sam]

Don't wear boots on stage.

[Joe]

Don't wear boots on stage. Keep the boots, Joe, you were talking.

[Sam]

About my formative years.

[George Severis]

Yeah. What's the tea?

[Joe]

Oh. So basically, I found out that Sam had to switch schools a lot.

[George Severis]

I do know that.

[Joe]

And Sam stayed cool.

[George Severis]

That's not true.

[Joe]

No, no.

[George Severis]

Sam stayed cool at I know more than you do.

[Sam]

And that's true every school George is thinking of. When I moved to Southern Virginia, I was bullied for at the beginning, but then I did eventually end cool there. So I don't know if that. I think you're both right.

[George Severis]

Sam was bullied by Jeremy O. Harris. Did you know that?

[Joe]

No.

[Sam]

You didn't know that?

[Joe]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[George Severis]

That's why Jeremy is famous. Sam and Jeremy went to high school together. Jeremy bullied Sam because he was gay. I'm not making any of this up. And then Jeremy came on this very podcast and talked about it. And in the thick of COVID Whoa.

[Sam]

On zoom.

[George Severis]

On zoom.

[Joe]

Wow. Did Jeremy apologize?

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Sam]

It was very sweet.

[Joe]

Whoa.

[George Severis]

It was actually really lovely.

[Sam]

It was lovely.

[Joe]

How many times do you get that experience? Were you bullied? No.

[George Severis]

You know, I wasn't bullied, but I also wasn't popular.

[Joe]

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

[George Severis]

I. I would say, okay, when I was in New Jersey, I was rising in the ranks.

[Joe]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam]

Huge.

[George Severis]

And I was like, if I see her one more year, it. I'm. I would never be popular with the boys, but I could find a way to be, like, the one gay guy that the girls confide in. I. I needed one more year. And then my family moved back to Greece, and then it was and then it was over. And then. Not just that. Then I moved schools in Greece. I moved schools again. So it was like two schools. Suddenly I'm joining to join a high school in 10th grade. You're not going to catch up?

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

And to be.

[Sam]

That's what I did.

[George Severis]

Yeah. But imagine also being from a different country. Okay.

[Sam]

Some would say the Midwest is a different country than Southern Virginia, but some people would get. They would go from the Midwest to southern Virginia and go, I feel like I'm in a different country. This place is so different.

[George Severis]

What was the biggest culture shock?

[Sam]

The accents.

[George Severis]

Anything else?

[Sam]

No, nothing else. Pretty much.

[George Severis]

Okay, I rest my case.

[Sam]

Joe, have you ever experienced bullying?

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, I have.

[Sam]

Okay.

[George Severis]

And tell us more.

[Sam]

Tell us about that.

[Joe]

Okay, so starting from when I was very young, Okay. I was, as a child, I was probably 2ft tall until I turned puberty.

[George Severis]

We were all at 1.2ft tall.

[Sam]

That's true.

[Joe]

But puberty really got me to the 3ft to 4ft.

[George Severis]

Oh, really? Okay.

[Joe]

I was always very like. I remember sometimes climbing up the stairs with my hands.

[George Severis]

You were rock climbing?

[Sam]

What do you mean?

[George Severis]

You short enough that you were shorter than a single stair and you had to pull yourself up with two arms.

[Sam]

Oh, you have such strong back muscles.

[Joe]

Oh, please leave my back out of it. I hate when he mentions it.

[George Severis]

Sam is always body shaming you because of your back.

[Joe]

Oh, you got such a strong back, such a weak front.

[George Severis]

Here comes Back Lady Back bitch.

[Sam]

She's got back for days.

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

Joe, Back for days. Fire Stone.

[Joe]

That can't be my nickname because, you know, it's just. Yeah, I just have, you know, and, you know, in college I was the girl with the Ronald McDonald hair.

[Sam]

Like bright red.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Is this her natural hair color? No.

[Sam]

Was it a play on Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

[Joe]

Oh.

[Sam]

Oh, was that popular at the time?

[Joe]

No, I think this must have been in 1982 or so. But so then, so then. Oh, you know what? Sam and George.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

I just got my hair colored.

[Sam]

Well, it looks amazing.

[George Severis]

First of all, it looks amazing, but to me, having curly red hair. Julia Roberts.

[Joe]

Well, that wasn't what people thought in the 80s.

[George Severis]

It was when you were in high school. Okay, so that wasn't what people thought. So we're talking bright red hair. I guess I don't think of you as a redhead.

[Joe]

Well, I tried to do bright red for a bit, but then I went to go get my hair dyed recently and she was like, what happened to you the last two years?

[George Severis]

What did she mean?

[Joe]

She said something was wrong with my hair.

[Sam]

What was, what did she say was wrong?

[Joe]

She's like, it looks crazy back.

[George Severis]

And what, and what do you. What kind of hairstyle are we talking about? Like, what was she referring to? Do you know? I mean, you just took the insult.

[Joe]

The back was. The back was what it was.

[George Severis]

No, totally. Was it like flattened in the back? Was it. No cut weirdly, no color?

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

She just didn't. Like the back of your head?

[Joe]

No. Well, something was going on, but I wasn't able to see it.

[Sam]

Oh, I hate. That's the worst part. You can't see it.

[Joe]

Oh, no, it's for the best.

[Sam]

Well, Joe, I want to say, as someone who's seen you a lot over the last few years, I never noticed about your hair being weird.

[George Severis]

Yeah. You know why? It's because she's never turned around.

[Sam]

Oh. Because she's self conscious of her big back.

[George Severis]

No one has ever seen her big back or the back of her hair, which looks terrible.

[Sam]

She walks along the wall. She walks along back to the wall.

[George Severis]

It's like, oh, wait a minute, you're right. I haven't seen her back ever.

[Joe]

Well, sometimes, you know what I mean? If, if, you know, you know, when I was. When I was younger and I would. I would urinate myself, you know, that would. Of course, those were times.

[George Severis]

Oh, you don't still do that sometimes? Sometimes I'll say, oh, it's Pee Yourself Friday. Why not?

[Sam]

Oh, literally. Live a little. Live a little.

[George Severis]

Do a little micro bed wedding. Just a little. Just a little drip.

[Joe]

Micro bed wedding. Micro needling. It's all there.

[George Severis]

Everything's micro these days.

[Sam]

Whatever happened in normal size stuff.

[George Severis]

Whatever happened at more normal sized stuff.

[Joe]

I think you might guys might want. Hold on. I think you guys might want to put this stuff in your stand up.

[Sam]

The micro thing.

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah, like that. Everything is micro these days. Write that down.

[Sam]

Write that down. Microplastics.

[George Severis]

It actually is true that everything is micro. Wait, great idea. Sorry. Microwife.

[Sam]

Microwife.

[George Severis]

Sorry, don't talk to me or my microwave ever again.

[Joe]

I'm saying microwave.

[George Severis]

Microwave.

[Sam]

Microwave. That makes sense.

[George Severis]

That definitely makes sense. Although I would say the heyday of microwaves is in the past.

[Joe]

I just used one last night.

[Sam]

What'd you cook?

[Joe]

Chicken nuggets. Fake.

[Sam]

Fake.

[George Severis]

Well, of course I wouldn't expect them to be real if they're microwavable, but I feel like microwaves are not like at the top of the cultural conversation. You know, it is like an instant pot. Like that is the. That Is the microwave of now of the 21st century.

[Joe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[George Severis]

But I do think you're onto something with everything being micro. And there's something about micro that is.

[Joe]

I didn't.

[George Severis]

And a great point that you said, which is that everything is micro. And here's why. Because I think micro is both more threatening and it's less threatening because it's smaller, but it's more threatening because it's like. Is it in my pores? Like, is it. It can get any, like, micro. Microplastics.

[Sam]

Well, it allows people to have anxiety in a different way.

[George Severis]

Yes, exactly.

[Sam]

Because you don't have to prove it. You can just be like, I'm filled with micro stuff.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Because, you know, a lot of people say, you know, there's. That, like, there's two kinds of people in this world. People that are afraid of big stuff, people that are afraid of little stuff.

[Sam]

Which one are you?

[George Severis]

Which one are you?

[Joe]

Little ticks. Nice.

[George Severis]

Oh, I thought you said tits like you're afraid of little tits.

[Joe]

George, please.

[George Severis]

Do you have a phobia?

[Joe]

George.

[Sam]

Got a big back.

[Joe]

I'm afraid of little tits? No.

[George Severis]

So when a big, tall Runway model walks into the room, you say, ah.

[Sam]

Jo, I have a question relating to hair. So you. What color is it right now?

[George Severis]

Auburn.

[Sam]

I'm color deficient. As many people know, as George learned recently.

[Joe]

Right. I did know this, too. Brown, Brown, brown.

[Sam]

Because, you know, in the book, your character Luella, she puts on a blonde wig and feels more powerful. Do you feel more powerful when you are blonde?

[Joe]

I am not the same as the character. It's not autobiography.

[Sam]

This pretty much happened to you. Let's be honest.

[George Severis]

No, no, this is a true story.

[Sam]

No, this is a true story.

[George Severis]

Your book, Murder on Sex island is based on your life.

[Joe]

No, I have no connection to this.

[George Severis]

Well, you wrote it.

[Joe]

Well, yes.

[Sam]

No. Maggie Smith.

[George Severis]

You don't have no connection to it. To claim you have no connection to it is a flat out lie.

[Joe]

So book club, Schmuck club. Okay.

[Sam]

Wow. No.

[Joe]

So what. What are we doing here? Do you think that it's. Do you think that this is what Reese did?

[George Severis]

Witherspoon. We are already talking circles around Reese Witherspoon. Do you know what Reese Witherspoon does? She. She tells ChatGPT to explain the book in one paragraph. She reads that paragraph, and then she does an Instagram reel where someone else writes her line, and she goes, y', all, when I read this book, I said, this is my favorite book. And then the next week, she does that with a different book. And then she options all of them. None of them ever get made, but she makes $1 billion a week from it. You know how much we're making during this episode? Negative $300.

[Joe]

Oh, that's tricky.

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Sam]

Because it's really tricky.

[Joe]

That is tricky. I wonder if there's a way to raise funds.

[George Severis]

And that's. This is a benefit show.

[Sam]

Fall in now. Donate, donate, donate.

[George Severis]

But we do want to talk about the book. Right, Sam?

[Joe]

Cause it's book club.

[Sam]

Because it's book club of book club.

[George Severis]

And many people have been asking, you know, you've had authors, to be honest, award winning authors on the podcast before, like, what's different about this one? The difference is we can talk about spoilers if we want, because it's a book club and people. And we encourage people to read it ahead of time. So if we're having, like, Jonathan Franzen on, just, like, as a normal guest, his straight topic is birding. You know, we're not gonna, like, spoil the corrections.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

But with this one, we can talk about whatever we want.

[Sam]

We can talk about essentially whatever we want.

[Joe]

Interesting.

[Sam]

So, Joe, you're a star of stage and screen. What led you to writing a book?

[George Severis]

Yeah, same question for me.

[Joe]

Okay. Basically what happened is I didn't have any work. Okay. And I was like, I can't. I don't really like going outside at night anymore.

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Joe]

You know that change in a woman's life.

[Sam]

Yeah. Not in the 70s.

[George Severis]

Meaning, like you're. We're aging her more and more with every sentence. Meaning you didn't want to do stand up.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Oh, Can I actually ask one parenthetical question?

[Joe]

Yeah. Parent to parent.

[George Severis]

Parent to parent. Level with me.

[Joe]

Yes, Mama.

[George Severis]

Is it hard being a mom?

[Joe]

Yes.

[George Severis]

No. I guess my question is, like, can.

[Joe]

I tell you something? Speaking. I mean, I'm not a mom, but. And Sam.

[George Severis]

Not anymore. Oh.

[Joe]

You know, I mean, he's in a better place.

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Joe]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Arkansas.

[Joe]

Yeah. Okay. So he. So basically, I took my dog to the same trainer as Sam.

[George Severis]

Huh.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Sam]

Yes. So Joe and I both have problem dogs, but of different styles.

[George Severis]

Yeah. And what happened?

[Joe]

Sam and Misha had this effect on this dog trainer. He loved them.

[George Severis]

That'll happen.

[Joe]

He kissed them on the cheeks.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

He would say how much he really enjoyed them and would do anything for them. I referred Sam to this dog trainer.

[George Severis]

Yeah, that can be tough.

[Joe]

And this dog trainer never once wanted to hug me.

[Sam]

The moment he walked into our door, he said, let's hug. Let's hug. Of Course, it's under the guise of. Just to see how the dog reacts. But he held that hug. And then he is. We were talking. He sees the pool. He goes, oh, here we go, skinny dipping. I go, well. Well, we might have to. You know, he's sort of. He's saying, oh, well, what do you like to drink? Like, we should all hang out somewhere.

[George Severis]

Is he gay?

[Sam]

And you think so? The whole time, I'm like, we are literally about to have a threesome and with the dog trainer. And then at the end, he's like, and you have to meet my wife. And I was like, oh, interesting. I guess they do things a little bit different in Los Angeles.

[George Severis]

California. Yeah. Yeah. In that no one actually ever has sex, from what I understand.

[Joe]

My kind of town.

[Sam]

And Joe. Joe, this. I was like, oh, he must have been super, super nice to you as well. And, like, really charming and sort of making all these jokes and wanting to hang out. And Joe, that wasn't your experience, you know.

[Joe]

That wasn't my experience. I had literally.

[George Severis]

You really set her up for that one.

[Joe]

He literally had wanted nothing to do with me. I would text. He would wait 24 hours to text back.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

I swear, it was the effect that. I don't think you probably have this. But walking on the earth with Sam, it's just like the people are throwing themselves at him.

[George Severis]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[Joe]

They say, touch my butt. Touch my butt. Get me. Get me.

[George Severis]

No, they're bending over, they're saying, please fuck me.

[Joe]

And Sam's like, all right. And it's crazy. Cause I'm saying, please. Can I fucking please?

[George Severis]

Please? No. That's your catchphrase.

[Joe]

Begging to fuck or whatever.

[George Severis]

Yeah. No, you guys.

[Joe]

And they say, get away from me, you shrew.

[George Severis]

Yes. Well, it's interesting, you know, I see both of you walking around, and this might have to do with your not acting normal, so to speak. Because the two of you are a funny pair. You know, Sam is just looking straight ahead as people are, like, whipping out cocks, butts, anything they can get their hands on. And Sam is just like, don't look, don't look. And then meanwhile, you're. You're screaming, who's gonna fuck me?

[Joe]

George, I wanna know where you are in this spectrum.

[George Severis]

Okay? I have to agree with you that Sam has a charisma that stays with people.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

And the best way I can describe it is if you introduce someone to Sam, they will keep asking you, how is Sam? Forever? So I will say, like, one example is my father in law we introduced him to Sam once because Sam had a medical issue. And the medical issue that I would say is, like, not a sexy one.

[Sam]

I was internally bleeding.

[George Severis]

Yes. It was a gastroenterology issue.

[Joe]

Scary.

[George Severis]

So, you know, we're talking. I don't know what kind of photos were exchanged and nor is it my business to ask, but this man saw.

[Sam]

The inside of my asshole.

[George Severis]

This Sam saw Sam at his most vulnerable.

[Sam]

You would think, you would think he'd.

[George Severis]

Want to move on after that and not, like, keep checking in when I tell you. To this day, every time I see him. How sad Sam doing. He literally heard about after midnight not being on air anymore and proactively asked me without me telling him, like, so we're gonna move back to New York. Yes.

[Sam]

That is wild. To be fair, I had a really special bond with Matthew's dad. Yeah, there was really something there.

[Joe]

Wow.

[George Severis]

Yeah. So I do. I do agree with what you're saying.

[Joe]

But does this happen to you too?

[George Severis]

I would say Sam and I have different types enough that I've never felt. Not that I would ever feel competitive, but I've never felt like, oh, no, like that person is giving Sam or me more attention in a way that is noticeable.

[Sam]

And I think George has a more. There's something about George where he's the one that people go to, to like, ask to be on the podcast. Like, people feel more comfortable talking with George and in a way that I'm like, confused. Like, I'm like. I feel like I'm like presenting a smiley vibe.

[George Severis]

Definitely, you're more smiley vibe than I am.

[Sam]

And people are, like, not messaging me for anything.

[George Severis]

Here's what I think it is. I think broadly speaking, if you were to see me and not know me, I would maybe seem kind of bitchy and not super forthcoming. But if we're having a one on one conversation, I think I get more. I don't want to say I access a fake thing because I don't think it's fake, but I'm able to get into a small talk mindset, maybe one on one easier. And so then people immediately feel like we have a connection.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

How do you feel about that?

[Sam]

I think that makes sense. Yeah, I think that makes sense. But, Joe, you. Everyone's obsessed with you.

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

Yeah. What's the deal with that?

[Sam]

Most beloved comedian in all of America, to be completely honest.

[Joe]

No.

[Sam]

And the thing is, you can't. You. You refuse to accept it and you.

[George Severis]

Refuse to do stand up comedy. To be honest.

[Joe]

I told you, I hit that stage in my woman's life.

[George Severis]

In my woman's life or whatever.

[Joe]

Okay, so then basically, basically, gosh, I'm so sweaty with this long sleeve shirt. Okay, so I called Joe.

[George Severis]

I called Joe out for having a.

[Sam]

Long sleeve shirt and I was like, there's so much backstory on Joe's outfits that we cannot get into. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[Big Three Basketball Promo Announcer]

The reviews and ratings are in and IceCube's Big Three is the surprise hit of the summer. And to cap off the season, iHeart presents the Big 3 Basketball Championship and 8th Annual Big 3 All Star Game this coming Sunday, August 24th. Live from Orlando. The remaining two teams fight it out for the Big 3 Championship Dr. J Trophy in the most physical, fierce and competitive basketball league in the world. Don't miss the wild conclusion of Big Three's eighth and most historic season ever. This is the game no one wants to lose and there's no crying in the Big three. The action starts with the Big Three eighth Annual All Star Game. Don't miss All Stars Dwight Howard, Montrez Harrell, MVP Michael Beasley, Lance will make you Dan Stevenson, Jordan Crawford, Greg Monroe, Earl Clark, Nazir Kor and more show you why they are the best three on three basketball players in the world. Big Three's exciting all star game plus the crowning of a new Big Three champion. The no holds part action starts Sunday at 2pm Eastern, 11 Pacific only on CBS.

[Christina Quinn]

If you eat too many ultra processed foods, you could be starving your gut microbes and they'll get hangry. That's one of many things I learned after working on a new audio course about the gut microbiome. You can learn how to keep your gut happy by listening to Try this from the Washington Post. I'm Christina Quinn. I host Try this. Dig in with me on practical advice for life's common challenges. Follow. Try this for right now, wherever you're listening. Seriously, try it.

[George Severis]

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the Commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch.

[Christina Quinn]

Upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to 15 per month. Required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra c. Mint mobile.com.

[George Severis]

What do you know about Joe's formative years?

[Joe]

Yeah. What? What are you doing?

[Sam]

I just know that there was a point when she was so short that she had to crawl up the stairs with her.

[George Severis]

Yeah, I heard that too. I read that.

[Joe]

And one time I.

[George Severis]

Is that also part of Louella's backstory?

[Joe]

No. One time I ordered shoes online, turned out they were baby shoes.

[George Severis]

That. Okay. And how old were you at the time?

[Joe]

I was 24.

[George Severis]

That's not a.

[Joe]

That did not happen stride. Right. Was like a cool brand, but then it turns out it's for babies. But on the picture, it looked like human shoes.

[George Severis]

Well, babies are humans. Oh, what, you think babies are second class citizens?

[Joe]

Oh, whatever. You're trying to get a gotcha me. Okay, so I'm not gonna get gotcha'd today.

[George Severis]

Can I call you Loella? No.

[Joe]

Okay, just because she's mousy doesn't mean there's. There could be multiple mousy women.

[George Severis]

That's true, but name one famous mousy woman.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Sam]

And don't say Maggie Smith.

[George Severis]

And don't say Maggie Smith. Don't you dare.

[Joe]

Okay, fine. Okay, fine. How about. Oh, I know. How about Zoe McIntosh?

[Sam]

Never heard of this.

[George Severis]

Oh, you're making someone up.

[Joe]

I did make it up, but let.

[Sam]

Me think of another.

[Joe]

Let me think of another one. A real one. A real one.

[George Severis]

I thought you were going to say Zooey Deschanel. Who is that?

[Joe]

Sabrina Carpenter.

[George Severis]

Oh, that.

[Joe]

Is she mousy? She's little.

[Sam]

She's little. Is little the only defining factor of.

[George Severis]

She'S not mousy, but she's so little that she's actually enough like a mouse that you could say she's mousey, even though she's. That's not what mouse is. What mouse.

[Sam]

She's a. She's mouse like, she bounces.

[George Severis]

She's mouse like. But I think a mousey. You know what mousy is? Is like Catwoman out of Drag, where she's like. Oh, yes, yes. Like, oh, God, like, my glasses are crooked and I'm photocopying wrong.

[Joe]

Yes. Yeah, Love that. But yeah, I would say that. I would say that there's. She, the main character, is kind of incompetent and also mousy. And Just because I'm also incompetent and mousey doesn't mean that we're the same person by any means.

[George Severis]

Well, first of all, I don't think you're incompetent because you did write a book that is a work of auto fiction. I want to say no.

[Sam]

So it's like, how. So Sex island is Love Island. And.

[George Severis]

And.

[Sam]

And then you're the detective, so, like, that's.

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

This is a murder mystery based on your life.

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

And it's called Murder on Sex Island. So Sex island is clearly inspired by Love island, although there are major differences.

[Joe]

Like what? Name one.

[George Severis]

Okay, here's one.

[Joe]

Okay.

[George Severis]

They live in a big apartment complex. Is that what happens on Love Island?

[Joe]

No. They stay on the same beds.

[George Severis]

They stay in the same. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. They sleep in the same. It's actually one of the few things about your book that is less disgusting than Love Island. Is that because on Love island they sleep in truly, like a communal room with communal beds?

[Joe]

Yes. But then in the Love island uk, some people get to sleep in single beds up above.

[George Severis]

Oh. I'm gonna be honest with you. I've watched exactly two episodes of Love Island Us.

[Sam]

And I watched even less.

[Joe]

Oh, interesting. Well, I've watched it almost. Almost? Yeah. Well, we're different.

[Sam]

Oh. Much like your character. That's not you.

[George Severis]

That's really interesting.

[Joe]

I did not write an auto fiction book.

[George Severis]

So his autobiography.

[Joe]

No.

[Sam]

So do the contestants on the reality show represent your family members?

[Joe]

No. No. Okay. I don't.

[Sam]

Is this about trauma?

[Joe]

No. Wait. No, there's no trauma. Okay. It is a book. And yeah, it's.

[George Severis]

There's actually trauma in the book.

[Joe]

No. Okay.

[George Severis]

There's murder.

[Joe]

Murder isn't trauma. It's a different genre. Name one trauma. I mean, I didn't know why this is so difficult. Okay, so. Okay. Okay. I wrote a fiction book.

[George Severis]

Correct. And it's called Murder on Sex island. And it's out now.

[Joe]

Yeah. And then there's a second book coming out in a year called Sex on Murder Island.

[George Severis]

And have you already written that one?

[Joe]

Yeah, that one's written.

[Sam]

Was that one easy to write? Because you could just control f sex and change it for murder and control f. And vice versa.

[George Severis]

Yeah, same question.

[Joe]

I do not need you to make control f. To make. To make control f. I'm a novelist. Okay. And I don't need you doing control f jabs.

[George Severis]

Is it hard to take off your wig when you get home to write the things that happened that day?

[Joe]

George. I did it. George. This is. Yes. It's written in first person, right? Yes. It's from a mousy woman who's incompetent.

[George Severis]

Well, I actually don't think she's incompetent because she does. Spoiler. She does solve it.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Just like you finished the book at the end.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Despite your own self mythology about. Oh, God, I'm always dropping things. You're getting up every day and you're doing five full hours of writing.

[Sam]

I do one of the most productive people.

[George Severis]

You're literally. You're productive. You. Your last two big entertainment jobs, you've been the boss. You are currently a guest.

[Joe]

I'm the boss? Oh, Sam, am I the boss? You would say that I was the boss, Joe.

[Sam]

I would say that you are the boss.

[Joe]

Sam was the boss, I'll tell you that much.

[Sam]

How was I the boss?

[Joe]

Everyone looks to Sam every moment. Sam. Oh, is Sam looking. Everyone looks up to Sam. Sam is 6 foot 5. He has extreme taste.

[Sam]

Joe. I was silent in that room. I never said a word. I was just like. I was mousy.

[Joe]

Believable.

[George Severis]

No, but I think you're. I think when. When you think you're being mousy, other people take it as, I better impress him, because he's being. He's like. He's not gonna crack a smile unless he's actually impressed with something.

[Joe]

Sam had an issue with wraps.

[George Severis]

The food.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Sam]

We kept ordering wraps, and mine had a big ass hole in it, not to mention dry.

[George Severis]

All of them did.

[Sam]

Well, just the one had the big hole.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

And he's. He personally hit you? Basically. He got. He basically turned the whole room against wraps.

[George Severis]

Oh, that. I could see that.

[Joe]

He has so much social capital. So, yeah, I'm the boss. Yeah.

[Sam]

Joe, there was an undeniable hole in my wrap. What was I supposed to. And on top of that, they're consistently dry.

[Joe]

This is the wettest wrap you'll ever eat.

[George Severis]

I don't. Why? Just to be clear. That doesn't sound better?

[Joe]

No, no, no, no.

[George Severis]

This is.

[Sam]

I don't think if I were to.

[George Severis]

Decide between a dry wrap and a wet wrap, I would go for dry.

[Joe]

Personally, I only eat wet food. Okay. I don't.

[George Severis]

Oh, interesting. So, like how Loella only eats soup because of her fake teeth. Just making a.

[Sam]

Just putting it out there.

[George Severis]

Just putting that out there. Making a. Making an observation. Kind of like the ones you made as Detective Luella Von Horn.

[Joe]

Okay, first of all, thank you for pronouncing it in the Dutch.

[George Severis]

Of course.

[Sam]

He's International?

[Joe]

Yes.

[George Severis]

No, I'm international American. That's my. That's my nationality. I'm second generation international American.

[Joe]

And Sam feels like that because he used to go to high school Midwest.

[Sam]

Yeah. So it was different because the accents.

[George Severis]

No, right, exactly.

[Joe]

Yeah. My wife.

[George Severis]

He's first generation international American because he moved to Virginia.

[Sam]

It was a really difficult transition, you guys.

[Joe]

Yeah, well, you know how it goes. Oh, high school. I just got him. I just got invited to my 20th high school reunion. Speaking of old.

[Sam]

And are you gonna go?

[Joe]

I don't think I can. How come the people are active?

[George Severis]

Because you have that big case island on Sex Murder.

[Joe]

George.

[Sam]

Wet wrap on dry island.

[Joe]

Oh, oh, oh. You two. You two combined. It is truly, honestly, I tell you this. You two combined. It's like you're two puzzle pieces. But when you put the puzzle pieces together, it is a gun. Okay.

[Sam]

When I complained about the raps, Joe assigned me to get really into rap culture.

[Joe]

No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant it like rap culture.

[George Severis]

This is all you guys are. This entire story is, like, being told to me so that you can do wordplay. It's all been leading up. It's all been leading up to someone being like. It was hardcore rap, and it's like a Chicken Caesar rap.

[Joe]

No. Okay, so. Okay. Okay. That is good.

[George Severis]

Okay, thank you.

[Joe]

Okay. But, George, seriously, I think that the thing is. This is what I'm just getting at, okay, is that I've never commanded respect in my life. But.

[George Severis]

But respect is being showered at you.

[Sam]

On all left and right, left and.

[George Severis]

Right, and you are sitting there and saying, I'm mousy.

[Joe]

I honestly don't understand why people come, they beg you to get on this show. They beg you.

[Sam]

And I tell George a story.

[George Severis]

Wait here. You can let Joe. Joe can finish one thought.

[Joe]

I'm just saying that I practically begged. I said, please, please, mothers, please get me on this show. And just to say. Just to get on there saying, well, that's all that is.

[George Severis]

What?

[Joe]

I didn't.

[George Severis]

I actually regret. I regret interrupting Sam and having you finish your thought.

[Joe]

Okay, cool. So what's your story?

[Sam]

Can I tell George about Totec?

[Joe]

Fine.

[Sam]

Okay, so Joe loves to be like, I'm normal. I'm acting normal. And how do you guys possibly laugh at me? And then she'll say the craziest thing on earth. For example, she was like, everyone has crazy thoughts. She was like, everyone has crazy thoughts. We were all going around sharing, like, okay, well, I believe this. I believe this, like, sort of you know, trying to relate and be like, I'm crazy. I'm crazy. You know, somebody's like, I think some people are psychic or whatever. Sure, whatever. We go to Joe, and she's like, well, my boyfriend believes in, you know, past lives. And babies often know him as toec. Babies often know him as Toe Tec. And we're like, what are you talking about? And she's like, babies will point at him and go toe tech. And then after that, she just has.

[George Severis]

To lead the writer's room for the rest.

[Sam]

And then literally, she's like, oh, by the way, you have notes. Like, it's like. It's like, what is going on? Babies often know him as to tech. So then it implies that, like, babies know him, and then you reach a certain age and you no longer know him as to tec. You forget who he is.

[Joe]

That's what I'm saying.

[George Severis]

So.

[Sam]

How many babies. How many babies have pointed at him.

[Joe]

And said, several babies have done this?

[George Severis]

Okay, so how.

[Joe]

Like, they'll stick their little finger pointing at him and stick toe?

[George Severis]

And are you sure it's not like you're. They're saying something like, oh, you know, like baby sounds, but you're primed to hear it as toe?

[Joe]

No, I wish.

[George Severis]

And how many babies are we talking?

[Joe]

This happens with several babies.

[Sam]

Like, several babies.

[Joe]

And we looked up to tech, and Totec is an Aztec God of war.

[George Severis]

And so do you think in his past life he was Totek?

[Joe]

It seems only I don't know other explanations.

[George Severis]

And I actually have an explanation for why babies know him as Toe Tec.

[Sam]

Oh, I would love to know your explanation.

[George Severis]

It's actually pretty simple, and I'm sure everyone would have gotten there eventually, but it's like, okay, so if there are past lives, okay, a baby is born. That's a new life being started.

[Joe]

There's.

[George Severis]

But maybe like, there's residual past life until the baby grows up. You know what I mean? So, like, there's. There's. The new life is only just getting started, and it's filling in the container that previously had the past life. So in the beginning, there's enough of the past life for them to recognize him as to tech. And then as they get older, the part of them that would recognize him fades away. And now they are just like Keith.

[Sam]

It's essentially the plot of Baby Geniuses. I don't know if you guys have seen it.

[George Severis]

I actually have not seen it, but I know the famous scene where you're in the point of view of the Sperm.

[Sam]

Yeah. So pretty much there's a movie called.

[George Severis]

Baby Geniuses with John Troy, Kirsty Alley. Right.

[Sam]

No, that's. Look who's Talking, I think.

[George Severis]

Oh, okay.

[Joe]

And then there's also Baby Giant.

[George Severis]

Well, I was talking about. Look who's Talking Baby Boss. I do. I have seen Baby Geniuses, actually, Sam, I take it back. But. But I still want to know the plot.

[Sam]

Well, the premise is, of course, that you. That babies are born and they're geniuses until they reach a certain age and then they forget it all.

[Joe]

Hey, isn't there a book. I mean, a movie like that to, like, smart dogs?

[George Severis]

Yes. No, there actually is, but I can't remember what it's called.

[Joe]

It's like.

[George Severis]

Do you remember there's also one about. With cats and dogs that are battling one another.

[Joe]

Yes.

[George Severis]

And they're using technology.

[Sam]

It's called Cats and Dogs. I'm learning. Joe, are you ever worried that if you were to have a child, that your own baby would know him as Totec, and then eventually, like, maybe know him better as Tok than as dad?

[Joe]

Sounds like you're worried about that. Sounds like that's something you're worried about.

[George Severis]

I guess my question would be, are you worried that your baby would be a God, AKA the Messiah?

[Joe]

To talk about a fictional book?

[Sam]

Okay, that's nonfiction.

[Joe]

Okay. I came here to talk, and I'm sorry if everyone else here comes on here to talk about their memoir again.

[George Severis]

This is the inaugural Straighter Lab Book club.

[Sam]

This is the first book club I think many authors are going to be begging to come on. Oh, I do after this one.

[Joe]

Wait till I get on the Reddit forums.

[George Severis]

So, okay.

[Joe]

Okay. So basically, here's what you do is it's really easy to. You write them. It's very. You can write a mystery novel really quickly. Okay.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

And so that's what I did. I thought I was never going to work again, and then I thought, oh, you know what? I'm going to write a sexual book that's going to pop off, you know?

[George Severis]

And why did you choose the mystery? I mean, I guess you chose the mystery genre because it is, like, popular.

[Joe]

Well, I love mysteries.

[George Severis]

Oh, you do?

[Joe]

And so then I was like, I'm going to write a psychosexual thriller. Very good. Very juicy. Then I couldn't really bring pen to paper when it came to the sexual.

[Sam]

You know, I did. I did notice that.

[Joe]

And unfortunately, there is no intercourse for.

[George Severis]

A book called Murder on Sex Island. It's actually pretty light on the sex.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Sam]

You'd be surprised how little sex there is.

[Joe]

I know. I just couldn't. It's just so hard to be like, he put his sausage in there or whatever.

[George Severis]

You do say cock at one point.

[Joe]

Oh, but I just. Yeah.

[Sam]

I mean, there was something when you referred to one character's 10 inch penis throughout. And it was sort of like, jo, stop it.

[George Severis]

Well, I do think it's written from the perspective of someone who doesn't know what sex is.

[Joe]

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Enough. Okay.

[George Severis]

Which is part of the Louella character.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So. Yes, she doesn't. She does. Whatever. So then basically I wrote this book thinking it's gonna be a smash hit. Wouldn't have to ever go back to these comedy clubs. Okay.

[George Severis]

Where you were making the big bucks was the clubs.

[Sam]

You see Joe up there at the Cellar every damn night.

[Joe]

Oh, you too.

[Sam]

And here's the problem with woke.

[Joe]

Well, well, well, you two, you two, I hope you enjoy each other. Okay, this is a. This is just ghastly. Okay, so, you know, truly. Okay, yes. So I wrote this book thinking it's gonna pop off. Then, you know, I started querying it.

[Sam]

Querying.

[George Severis]

Showing it to people.

[Joe]

Yeah, you send it to people.

[George Severis]

And they said, no, no.

[Joe]

And so then I was like, well, I wrote this whole book, though. And so then I self published it. Okay. And. And then self publishing it is. It's. It. It is a. It is not. Is a tough process for. Is. I accidentally made the book really big.

[Sam]

How do you mean?

[George Severis]

Like physically?

[Sam]

Like the font was really big. So then there had to be a lot of pages.

[Joe]

No, it was like the size of a calendar.

[George Severis]

You just see what you didn't see.

[Sam]

Opposite the baby shoes.

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah. So. And then when you're holding it, it must look even more agile.

[Joe]

Oh, please.

[George Severis]

Okay, you're climbing the stairs. Meanwhile, you're surfing on the book. Surfing down the stairs on your giant ass book.

[Sam]

Just what we were talking about.

[George Severis]

And all your friends hate it.

[Sam]

Some things are micro, some things are macro. Can anything be normal?

[Joe]

You all, why don't you audition for Ass Cat? Like this?

[Sam]

We have.

[George Severis]

And we didn't make it.

[Sam]

They don't like us over there.

[George Severis]

Okay, okay, so then.

[Joe]

So then basically I did this whole self published book. Okay. And then. And then I. And then I. And I. And then eventually it became a published book, but then they were like, you have a lot of plot holes. So then I had to revise the book and write it again. So I've written this book, I think 19 times.

[Sam]

What was the plot? What were the plot holes? Well, I don't know what changed.

[George Severis]

I want to just push back a little bit. What you're describing is the editing process.

[Joe]

I don't actually need you to push back at this moment. And I think that maybe an author.

[George Severis]

Working an editor at the end be like, I keep having to rewrite it.

[Joe]

No, no, I think, and I think this is obviously not a time to push back. It actually is a time to push forward.

[George Severis]

Push forward. Wow.

[Sam]

Now more than ever.

[Joe]

Oh, okay. So basically, yeah, I guess it got edited.

[George Severis]

Normal, totally.

[Joe]

But like, for example, there is a knife in this one. In the self published version. I may have forgotten there was a.

[George Severis]

Knife, but the belly button thing was still there. You just didn't know how it happened.

[Sam]

Or the knife in the underwear drawer. Which knife?

[George Severis]

There were no knives.

[Joe]

No, no, there was. No, there was a knife, but they never found the knife.

[Sam]

So it was like an implied knife.

[George Severis]

And which knife did they not find? The one that was used on the murder victims to do the belly button thing. So the one in the chicken. In the rotisserie chicken.

[Joe]

Yeah. So the rotisserie chicken was an edit.

[George Severis]

That was an edit.

[Sam]

Oh, okay.

[Joe]

Okay. So I'm sorry, I didn't know you guys had or were Reddit. Okay, so book club, I guess goes like this.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Okay, so.

[Sam]

That is so classic Joe. No, one time, one time Joe was like getting up and she was like really? Like emphatically like, I'm gonna make a point. I'm going to make a point. What you guys don't understand, what you guys don't understand is people love to go like this.

[George Severis]

For anyone not watching, Sam is merely.

[Sam]

Holding a cup of this is all she does. And we're like, finish the sentence. What do they love to go like? And she's like, people love to go like this. And she just holds her cup and it's like, what are you saying?

[George Severis]

With two hands.

[Sam]

With two hands. People love to go like this.

[George Severis]

Okay, did you mean that people like to hold something with both hands?

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

So what did you mean?

[Joe]

Basically, here's what happened. It's like every day I'd go in there and I'd be like, hi guys, have a great day today. Love you so much, I hope you feel supported. And they would stare at me.

[George Severis]

Like, for anyone listening, by the way, I do want to say Joe was the head writer of After Midnight and barely. That is why we are saying she was Sam's boss and that is where all these stories are coming from.

[Joe]

But basically I'd be like, hey, everybody, who needs milk, who needs water? And everyone would be like.

[George Severis]

Everyone would, like, look at you disrespectfully.

[Joe]

Yes. And that's why I said, people love to do this.

[George Severis]

I'm. Wait, okay, so you're saying. You're saying, does anyone want milk? Does anyone water? Everyone says no. You're like, but people love that. They love drinking something.

[Joe]

No, people love to do this.

[George Severis]

This.

[Joe]

No, which is.

[Sam]

Which is nothing.

[Joe]

No, which is basically it's like, oh.

[George Severis]

Okay, I'm seeing the miscommunication. Can I attempt?

[Joe]

George, my theory. Honestly, you've never gotten wrong.

[George Severis]

Thank you. Here's what I think happened.

[Sam]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Okay. I actually, like, completely understand what happened.

[Sam]

All right, so this is toe tech all over again.

[George Severis]

No, this is. I. Babies will start thinking I'm to tech by the time I'm done with this explanation. So basically, Jo asked a question. People stared at her blankly, and then Joe was like, wow, people love to go like this. And then you did the blank stare look simultaneously and unrelatedly. You were holding a cup with two hands. So the way Sam interpreted it is people love to hold a cup with two hands. But that's not the thing you were showing George.

[Joe]

Genuinely.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

I just wonder if we should spend more time together. Like, I just am wondering if maybe we should.

[George Severis]

Do you remember that one time we got lunch in Manhattan?

[Joe]

That was cool. I remember what we got.

[George Severis]

What did we get?

[Joe]

Well, I remember what you got.

[George Severis]

What did I get?

[Joe]

Tuna melt.

[George Severis]

Yum.

[Sam]

I do think I have to be Joe. You're painting, like a sort of a wrong picture.

[George Severis]

Oh, he's pushing back.

[Sam]

I have to push forward.

[Joe]

How are you gonna push forward if.

[George Severis]

Well, if. If one of us, you know, I push back one. So now Sam has his turn.

[Joe]

Okay, fine. But guess what? My turn's coming up, and it's not gonna be pretty.

[George Severis]

Oh.

[Sam]

Because Joe comes in and is like, boop de boop de boop. Like, she does something so silly. And we're all like, okay, that's the silliest thing I've ever seen. Like, we're like, we. And we support it. We say, that is so funny, Joe. You are so funny. And she goes, I'm not being funny. I see Joe respond.

[Joe]

I conducted myself in a professional manner Every day. Every day. I go in every day. I would have to listen to these, listen to this, listen to these, listen. No. So I listen to this music on the way there. That was like, you're going to have a good day. Nothing's going to go wrong today. Like, I had to listen to every day.

[George Severis]

This is like Barney's Hits, Volume 1.

[Sam]

There was literally a song called I'm making a move. I've never heard this song in my life. And it's like, I'm making a move and it's like, it's like, not Lizzo, but really close.

[George Severis]

Would you say it's like Pink?

[Sam]

It's closer to Lizzo.

[Joe]

It's closer to Lizzo. But I would listen to it every day to try to feel good going in there.

[George Severis]

Were you, like, dreading going into work every day?

[Joe]

So then I would basically. I would basically go and be like, this is the day I'm gonna have a good attitude. Because whenever I had a bad attitude, everyone was like, ugh, when are you gonna be in a good mood again? Terrible. Okay, so then basically I was driving and playing that song, trying to get in a good headspace when I crash my car.

[George Severis]

Oh.

[Sam]

I'm making a move.

[George Severis]

You know, there's something actually very powerful about what you're describing because you know what it reminds me of? Okay. There's nothing creepier than something violent happening while happy music is playing. And of course, my mind goes to the TV show Lost, where famously, that song play your own kind of music would play as like, something bad would happen in the bunker. Don't call in with. Basically, something like that happened. And so I could see that being a very traumatic experience for you to be both listening to a Lizzo esque song and also be having a near death experience.

[Joe]

Of course, I mean, it wasn't so bad. But yeah, no, I would say that, you know, like, what's the guy's name that did all those movies? Keaton.

[George Severis]

Michael Keaton.

[Joe]

No.

[Sam]

J.J. abrams.

[Joe]

No, it's the guy that did those movies like Pulp Fiction.

[George Severis]

Tarantino.

[Joe]

Yes. So Tarantino.

[George Severis]

Tarantino, yeah, Keaton. Tarantino. I love Keaton. Tarantino.

[Joe]

I didn't catch up on my textbooks before going on this show. Okay. And next time I'll know to read my textbooks.

[George Severis]

We both did our reading.

[Joe]

Okay, okay. So, okay. So then basically, you know, Tarantino does that. Those famous things.

[George Severis]

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Where it's like very sure. Like music being discordant with what is happening. And that's where the. I mean, it's.

[Sam]

And to be fair to paint a picture, it wasn't like crash with another car. You were scraping against a pillar. Correct.

[Joe]

I scraped against the walls of the garage.

[George Severis]

I see. And sort of kept going.

[Sam]

Yeah, well, once you start scraping, there's no stopping it.

[George Severis]

Okay. And then just to go back to the story, how does this relate to anything we were talking about?

[Joe]

Okay, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Oh, this is. What's the issue? Okay, so I'm just saying that basically, I didn't realize this was here. I was thinking this again, for anyone.

[George Severis]

Only listening, there was a pillow, a seashell, seashell illustration pillow and seashell shaped pillow behind Joe's giant back.

[Sam]

Oh, my gosh.

[Joe]

Okay. So basically, all I'm saying is that. So Sam and I just have different views on how this all went down.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

Right. So basically, I'm in there thinking, I'm normal every day. I'm professional. I'm gonna have a. I'm gonna. I'm gonna run a tight room. And Sam has this idea that I'm coming in every day saying, wacky, wacko, everybody. Who wants a balloon? And that's not what I felt. I did.

[George Severis]

I understand.

[Joe]

I felt. I said, who wants a pencil? Time to get to work. And I guess in his mind, I was, you know, I was wearing a big uniform.

[George Severis]

You were being Patch Adams. That is to Sam, you are Patch Adams. To you, you are Meryl Streep and Devil Wears Prada.

[Joe]

That is interesting.

[Sam]

That is interesting.

[George Severis]

Those are the two polls of professionalism.

[Joe]

Are you watching Gilded Age?

[George Severis]

You know, I actually have a request, and I want to look straight into my camera. No, I would like to no longer be asked if I'm watching the Gilded Age. I think I have been asked enough times whether I'm watching the Gilded Age. It has nothing to do with my opinions on the Gilded Age. I think theater actresses are the Patch Adams of the culture industry, and I respect them. I would venmo Carrie Coon personally if I could. If anyone has her Venmo, let me know. But I would officially like to be asked to no longer be addressed by someone asking me, do you watch the Gilded Age?

[Sam]

I think that is such a beautiful sentiment, and I'm, of course, thrilled for all the actors and everyone that is employed by that show, and I hope it goes forever.

[George Severis]

I agree.

[Sam]

I just don't want to be associated with it and assumed that I would watch it.

[Joe]

I. Okay, okay.

[George Severis]

I don't, but Matthew does, so it's playing in my home a lot.

[Sam]

And I don't as well, but Misha does, so it's playing in my home as well.

[George Severis]

Oh, my God.

[Joe]

You know what? Must be nice to have husbands that are going in there.

[Sam]

Well, you've got.

[George Severis]

You're the Matthew and Misha. Of your relationship, Because I assume he doesn't.

[Joe]

No, he watches.

[George Severis]

Okay. So what are you complaining about?

[Sam]

Sounds like you are.

[George Severis]

So you guys are in sync and watching it together.

[Joe]

I'm just saying that ever since I've been on this podcast, I've been called in 20 times.

[George Severis]

Called in. Well, that's the good one. Do you want to be called out?

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

Hello? Complaining about being called in.

[Joe]

I just wish I did it right.

[George Severis]

Did what right?

[Joe]

Everything.

[George Severis]

Well, you're doing something right here.

[Sam]

Yeah, Right. Writing a book.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe]

Oh, I don't need that. And listen. And this. Listen. I know that people are gonna return their books after listening to this podcast.

[George Severis]

What? I know they're gonna do that.

[Joe]

They're gonna return them.

[Sam]

Does that hurt your sales if they do?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

No. No. You pocket that money from.

[Sam]

You pocket it no matter what.

[George Severis]

No, you're asked to. If you get little book residuals, they have you. They say, write a check for. For $24. Someone just returned. Someone just returned this book to Barnes and Noble. They call you personally and they say, joe, we have good news and bad news.

[Sam]

Somebody bought your book. That's amazing. Here's $24. The bad news is they returned it. You owe us that money back.

[Joe]

Can I tell you something? That's so embarrassing. So I keep going. I keep going into bookstores. So humble.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Of course.

[Joe]

Being like, I wonder if my book is here. It's not. Then I have to walk out. Real humble.

[George Severis]

Wait, surely it is.

[Joe]

No, it's not. And I walk out saying, must be nice to be Aun Patchett.

[George Severis]

Oh, yeah, that bitch. Ann Patchett. Dumb bitch. I don't care if she's listening. Stupid bitch.

[Christina Quinn]

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[Big Three Basketball Promo Announcer]

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[Joe]

All Stars CBS if you eat too.

[Christina Quinn]

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[Sam]

So Joe, how did you decide how it was going to end? Like pretty much. Spoiler alert. There's like a group of killers. Why?

[George Severis]

They're men. They're all men and they're men.

[Sam]

Yeah. What were. Why? Why, why group instead of one?

[George Severis]

Yeah, Sicko. Well, feminism.

[Sam]

Was it. Was it about feminism?

[Joe]

Do you think it was about feminism?

[George Severis]

Honestly?

[Sam]

Yeah, a little.

[Joe]

I guess. I guess basically you, you know, you just. You just have to say what makes the most sense in the moment.

[George Severis]

Okay. What leads me to my follow up question.

[Joe]

I don't want what. I don't want what. I don't want any watch in this.

[George Severis]

Are you saying that you sort of figured out the plot as you went along?

[Joe]

No, no, Joe.

[Sam]

Joe did tell me that her. You told me your writing process For a mystery you just have to know how it ends and everything else you can kind of riff.

[George Severis]

Is that your writing process?

[Joe]

I never.

[Sam]

You. Joe, you said that to me.

[Joe]

I never did.

[George Severis]

You're gaslighting.

[Joe]

I am not.

[Sam]

You're literally gaslighting me.

[George Severis]

You're being Phil.

[Joe]

Oh.

[George Severis]

From the book.

[Joe]

Oh. You know what's really good?

[George Severis]

What?

[Joe]

Phil's coffee.

[George Severis]

Oh, I agree. But it's so strong.

[Joe]

Yum yum. Love it.

[George Severis]

Okay, so you know it's Palestinian owned.

[Joe]

Yes, I did.

[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

Really?

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Joe]

Wow. And you know what? It's only. I wish it was on the east coast, but I don't think it's in.

[Sam]

D.C. i wish it was a little less sweet, to be honest.

[Joe]

Oh, please.

[George Severis]

Like, the coffee itself without sugar is.

[Joe]

Oh, he doesn't know what he's doing.

[George Severis]

Have you ever had the iced mint mojito?

[Joe]

He says ice cream's too cold.

[Sam]

It is too cold.

[George Severis]

That's actually one of Sam's favorite things to say.

[Joe]

Get a life. These clothes are too soft. My skin is too good.

[George Severis]

You know, I've been.

[Sam]

Can Joe. Can you tell George the term you invented for what that is? That I do. And sort of. This, I think will feed into.

[George Severis]

This is a term for what? You saying? Me?

[Sam]

My complaints.

[George Severis]

Your complaints.

[Joe]

You know, so Sam has weird complaints like, I don't like dinner or whatever.

[George Severis]

Sure.

[Sam]

My complaint was I don't like when I like dinner because it makes me feel lame.

[George Severis]

I mean, that's classic.

[Joe]

This is just insane. This is an insane.

[George Severis]

That is so classic.

[Joe]

And he's meanwhile true. Charming the pants off a half country.

[George Severis]

It's unfair. It's unfair.

[Joe]

Meanwhile, you have to under. You have to self process things, like, oh, he doesn't like dinner. Okay.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Okay, so what is the word? This. I would love to have a word for this.

[Joe]

Here's what happens. So basically, if I'm like, hey, does everybody want a present? Or hey, who here. Who here needs a coffee? I can tell when Sam goes like. He does a little inhale, like. And then I know that is the stage of pre calm.

[George Severis]

Pre calm. Pre calm is calm communication.

[Joe]

No complain.

[George Severis]

Oh, okay. Okay. Yes. No, I know exactly what you mean. Yes. Okay, Keep going.

[Sam]

But you must understand that when Joe says, Sam's going to precom, people are like, joe, that is crazy.

[George Severis]

And this is what you're saying when you think you're being so professional.

[Joe]

No, I. It is pronounced.

[George Severis]

It's a workplace.

[Joe]

I'm not saying he's gonna pre comb everybody.

[George Severis]

Okay, so how are you. It's not juice.

[Joe]

I'm not saying that.

[George Severis]

Okay, so how are you saying it?

[Joe]

He's going to pre comb.

[George Severis]

I doubt you're over.

[Joe]

No I'm saying it that way. I'm saying it that way. I'm saying that way.

[George Severis]

I also want to say he's not gonna pre com when you're saying it. That means you saw him pre com. Correct. He's gonna come. You're not seeing him precom and saying he's gonna precom.

[Sam]

Don't worry, Joe. This is just part of the editing process.

[George Severis]

I have to say it would be insane to be having sex and say I'm gonna precom. That would be so amazing.

[Sam]

I'm gonna pre call.

[George Severis]

That would honestly be something that happens on in your book.

[Joe]

Whatever, whatever. Because I don't know what sex is.

[George Severis]

No, I. Luella doesn't know what sex.

[Sam]

Who you may or may not.

[George Severis]

Who you are not related to. From what I understand now, I. I want to ask you something, which is you have been doing this.

[Sam]

Thank you for bringing this up. Thank you for bringing this up.

[George Severis]

Okay, first of all, you're just drawing our big prop.

[Joe]

Oh, dear. I guess I gotta replant it now.

[George Severis]

You're performing mousiness to prove. Oh, dear.

[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

Oh dear.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

I thought this was gonna be smooth.

[George Severis]

You are doing. First of all, I was very grateful you agreed to be on a show of mine that I hosted George Severis and Friends.

[Joe]

That was really cool. Sponsored at a 24 day cherry tree. Tree.

[George Severis]

Yes. Cherry Lane Theater.

[Sam]

Tree tree.

[George Severis]

Look out for more. And you do more. Well, hopefully I'm winning to hear back about dates. And I said, joe, I would absolutely love for you to do the show. You said, I don't really. I haven't really been doing stand up, but for you, I'll come out of retirement. And I said, that would be amazing. I can't wait. You get there the day of you say, I'm actually not going to do stand up, but I'm going to do this bit I've been doing on stage. And would you like to explain what the bit is?

[Joe]

I don't remember.

[George Severis]

It's called suck or fuck.

[Sam]

And you say things and say whether.

[George Severis]

They suck or fuck or whether they correspond to suck or fucking.

[Joe]

Well, yeah, basically it got a little bit confusing because you guys accused me of homophobia by saying that suck was bad but was good. So then I had to switch it to say suck was good and fuck.

[George Severis]

Was bad, but which one do you think is better?

[Joe]

No, I'm not doing that again.

[George Severis]

You were so you initially.

[Joe]

I'm not gonna be baited.

[George Severis]

You initially. No, you would know all about that. You initially said was good and suck Was bad.

[Joe]

And then you.

[George Severis]

And then I said, you know, in queer relationships, actually suck can count as sex because we're not. So penetration called me in once again.

[Joe]

And neither is this book, to be honest.

[George Severis]

This book is what? Non penetrative.

[Sam]

Well, but there's also no sucking.

[George Severis]

Yeah, I would say there's more than sucking.

[Sam]

Oh, there's not even any. There's not even any jerking.

[George Severis]

I didn't know what to do. It's at least referred to.

[Joe]

I didn't know everyone was keeping score.

[George Severis]

There is also a. Was it called a grief orgy?

[Joe]

Oh, there's.

[Sam]

That ended up just being a cuddle puddle.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Cuddle puddles happen on Wednesdays.

[George Severis]

Yes, that's women. Wednesdays.

[Sam]

Women pick Wednesdays.

[George Severis]

Women pick Wednesdays.

[Joe]

You guys think I could have written this better than women? I just wonder if maybe now I'm hearing these things out loud from your voices that maybe they could have.

[George Severis]

Wait, I actually, I have. I have a. I have a correction. There is sucking. Well, there's cunnilingus in that. There's. One of my favorite jokes is that there's one guy who's famously good at cunnilingus, Famously hates cunnilingus. And then after the show, he gets a reality show where he goes to different restaurants, and it's called Noah's Eating Out.

[Sam]

Yes. Oh, and there's. There's rim jobs.

[Joe]

There's rim jobs.

[Sam]

Well, it implied, like, they happened in the past.

[Joe]

Oh, you want them to happen in a moment.

[George Severis]

Yeah. I would like a description of the act.

[Joe]

This is the issue I had. I couldn't bear to do it. I couldn't bear to do it.

[George Severis]

Do you not want your readers to pre. Com?

[Joe]

Okay, first of all, I'm trying to get my readers tab.

[Sam]

People love to do this.

[Joe]

No. Okay, so. No, I don't need that. Okay, so this, this. Oh, do you need a coffee break, sir? Okay, so basically, make sure to hold.

[George Severis]

It with both hands. People love to do that.

[Joe]

George.

[George Severis]

Okay, go ahead.

[Joe]

Basically, I never understood how this could feel. Okay, so basically. Basically. Oh, I should maybe not sit. This is recorded visually.

[Sam]

Oh, I'm sitting the same damn.

[George Severis]

Ruh.

[Sam]

Ro.

[Joe]

You know what I mean?

[George Severis]

How crazy would it be if it wasn't there were just cameras everywhere?

[Joe]

Well, I did ask if these were iPads, and apparently they're not.

[George Severis]

No, just wait. Okay, keep going. Basically, approximately 10 minutes ago, you started.

[Joe]

A sentence with what?

[Sam]

Basically?

[Joe]

Well, that could have been anything.

[Sam]

That's what we're saying.

[George Severis]

That's why we want to narrow it down to what it is, what would it have to do with instead of what it could be? You know, when you start a sentence, it could be anything. But as you go, it gets more and more specific.

[Joe]

You know, I have rolling blackouts.

[George Severis]

You have rolling blackouts.

[Joe]

It's in my head. I don't remember a single thing that happened to me.

[George Severis]

Do you think that contributed to the various miscommunications in the writers room? You blacking out every morning.

[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

Hitting the.

[George Severis]

Fucking building with your car, and then walking in and saying completely indecisive, decipherable things to your entire staff?

[Joe]

Oh, my God. Oh, this is not how I pictured it. Here's what I pictured.

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Joe]

Okay. Coming on this pod.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Joe]

I pictured here. Hey.

[George Severis]

Hi.

[Joe]

Hi.

[Sam]

This book is to die for. You're doing the pod. It's nice to have you back. It was so nice to see you the other day. That tuna melt was divine. I'm so happy you're back in New York. Oh, my God, I love what you've.

[Joe]

Done with your hair.

[Sam]

The back is so normal. This book is to die for. I literally could not believe all the twists and turns. And the knife, it was so perfectly placed in the chicken. You know, I could tell that the earlier version didn't have knives, but it was such an improvement that this one did. And I love the lack of sex. That really made me feel like I wasn't good at pre calm. If I had to decide between suck and fuck, I would choose Puck for this book, which is better. Is that how you imagined it? Yeah.

[George Severis]

What the hell are you talking about?

[Joe]

This is. This is.

[Sam]

Oh, my God.

[Joe]

You know what? Good thing you found each other. Good thing you found each other. The two of you are like two horns of a devil.

[Sam]

Two horns of a devil.

[George Severis]

So we're two jigsaw pieces that create a gun and two horns of a devil.

[Joe]

You know that mixing metaphors is my specialty, but basically what happened is you had a horn and you had a horn, and basically what? Together, you create the face and horns of a devil.

[George Severis]

Oh, my God.

[Sam]

And it was Luella Van Horn.

[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

Whoa.

[Sam]

Character name.

[Joe]

It is. It is. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

[George Severis]

Yeah, what's the thing?

[Sam]

What's the thing?

[Joe]

Okay. I am grateful that both of you read.

[George Severis]

I actually didn't read the book.

[Joe]

Okay.

[George Severis]

And. No, I did. What's up?

[Joe]

And I just think that also, you guys really did. You really did have this book. Love first one.

[George Severis]

We really had this.

[Sam]

We really did have this. Be the first one.

[Joe]

I don't need you to repeat what I said to you.

[George Severis]

So mad. You're doing it again.

[Joe]

No, no. Certainly.

[George Severis]

Certainly, dear Maggie Smith, is that you?

[Sam]

Certainly. Are you watching the Gilded Age? Secondly. What?

[Joe]

Secondly, I. I just. When I was coming here, you know, I spent $27 at a noodles.

[George Severis]

Yes. And I spent $17 on half a sandwich.

[Sam]

I spent $18 on a quiche.

[George Severis]

That's nuts.

[Joe]

It is all nuts. It is all nuts. But I thought to myself, I've heard.

[Sam]

Of walnuts, but all nuts.

[Joe]

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

[George Severis]

Okay, you're promoting your big book. Is that it's not available on any bookstore, so people have to listen to this podcast.

[Joe]

When you call it a big book, it reminds me of how I messed up and ordered it big. Okay.

[Sam]

Calendar style.

[George Severis]

When you were checking out, was there a choice for calendar style and book style and you accidentally chose calendar?

[Joe]

It just was really big. Okay. And I didn't realize I don't have a tape in my house.

[George Severis]

You know what's funny? If I were to go about self publishing something, and I don't mean this as a criticism, I would immediately say ebook. This is an E book. I'm self publishing an E book. It would sound so dumb. Difficult to actually pay to have it printed.

[Joe]

Well, it was clearly.

[George Severis]

It came back giant.

[Sam]

Joe, was that like the test print or did you have like 500 of these?

[George Severis]

Yeah. How many people bought the collector's edition? Calendar style books pre edits. It was just a printed out Google Doc with comments and. And highlights in tk. TK at killer.

[Sam]

Here you had the ending and then the rest was like, I'll figure this out later.

[Joe]

Absolutely not. Okay, listen. This was a highly regimented writing process.

[Sam]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Sam]

Let's let us in a new process.

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joe]

First of all, I never said riff.

[Sam]

Excuse me?

[Joe]

Sam said, oh, oh. Just riff it. That's what he said.

[George Severis]

I said, oh, oh, oh. Okay, Yes, I do want you to correct Sam. So Sam said you said the way to write a mystery. Come up with the ending and then just riff the rest. You're saying that's wrong. That's misinformation.

[Joe]

I never said.

[George Severis]

What did you say?

[Joe]

Come up with the ending and then come up with the middle and then riff the rest. No, first of all, you two. You two are basically like a devilish monkey.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Sam]

Interesting.

[Joe]

And you know that.

[George Severis]

Is this like a wicked thing?

[Joe]

Oh.

[George Severis]

Oh.

[Joe]

Do you know what I think?

[George Severis]

What?

[Sam]

What?

[Joe]

I think that the wicked dorm room is the same as the Wednesday dorm room.

[George Severis]

Oh, well, of course.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Sam]

I think you should incorporate this into your stand up.

[George Severis]

This is really big.

[Sam]

Well, maybe instead of sucker fucking be Wicked dorm room. Wednesday dorm room.

[George Severis]

Jo, I just want to say. That is such a good point. The Wicked dorm room and the Wednesday dorm room are similar.

[Joe]

I need you all to delete it.

[George Severis]

Do you think it's part of the dorm room cinematic?

[Joe]

No, I need you all. No, I need you all to delete it. I'm bringing in hot, fresh observations.

[Sam]

Oh, let's. No, I actually love that observation. I think they are.

[George Severis]

Do you have any.

[Joe]

No, no. Here's one.

[George Severis]

No, this is a. This is 15 minutes right here. What else? What other dormouse.

[Sam]

Here's what happens.

[Joe]

I come in here with hot fresh cultural commentary. Okay. Which any podcast would be grateful to have, and you all think I'm making. I'm saying. Hey, Jer, you want some lemonade? Nut the blueberries.

[George Severis]

What?

[Joe]

I told you, I don't want any more. What?

[George Severis]

Oh, that's actually a good rule.

[Sam]

Yeah, that's a really good rule.

[George Severis]

I could see that being a sort of Mariah Carey esque diva thing where she's like, mariah doesn't want. It's like, mariah doesn't want any. What's. Like. That's her. What it's like in her writer that when you talk to her, you are not allowed to say what. Because it makes her feel not heard. If she says something, even if you literally didn't hear and you're like, excuse me, you can't say what.

[Joe]

Yeah, I used to never. I used to never repeat my jokes if someone didn't hear it, because they'd be like, what'd you say? And then if I repeated it, they'd go. And I said, no, it's no longer.

[George Severis]

Yeah, you missed it.

[Joe]

I said, it's time to move on. But people don't like that. But I'm just saying that a lot of people. I bet you. You guys have comments.

[Sam]

We got some comments.

[George Severis]

We have some comments.

[Joe]

I bet the comments on this. This whole interview.

[George Severis]

Yeah. They're gonna be like, what?

[Joe]

No.

[Sam]

Damn, George, that was good. You ate that up.

[George Severis]

What are the comments going to be like?

[Joe]

No, spit it back out. Okay. Spit it back out. Okay. The comments are all going to be like, that is true about the dorms.

[Sam]

No, I think it's true. I think it's really genius.

[George Severis]

Have you seen Wednesday?

[Sam]

No, Joe, I noticed that. Joe, I noticed that the murder weapon. Spoiler alert. Is often antifreeze. Have you ever Tasted antifreeze?

[George Severis]

Yeah. Is it delicious?

[Joe]

Basically, you're coming on me here. I'm coming on here. Basically, I'm coming on here and you're all saying, hey, why don't you kill yourself? Which I have had enough of.

[Sam]

Oh, my God.

[George Severis]

Sorry, but this is like you're being a stereotype of a triggered.

[Joe]

No, no.

[George Severis]

College student. Where we are asking a question. You're saying, so basically you want me to kill myself.

[Joe]

Basically, you're saying, no. Basically you're saying, oh, I noticed that there's a bomb in their book. Any interest in putting a bomb in your own house? Okay, well, I don't think I'm being sensitive. I think you're asking me to kill myself.

[Sam]

Joe, I need to play something.

[George Severis]

Okay. Oh, multimedia.

[Joe]

Teacher, teacher, please kill yourself.

[George Severis]

What's that?

[Sam]

That's what Joe. You say what it is?

[Joe]

No, you say it.

[Sam]

That's what Joe said. That we were like in the room.

[Joe]

And they were like that every day they would hope and pray. That they'd say, hope and pray. Teacher kills himself, rubbing their little paws together. Teacher, teacher, please kill yourself. Oh, well, here's some more brownies, everybody. Anybody want a gift?

[Sam]

None for me, thanks.

[Joe]

George.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

He'S tired. Okay.

[Sam]

Joe, you make me laugh like no one else. Sam is so wild.

[George Severis]

You're one of the funniest.

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

Excuse me.

[Joe]

Oh, don't worry about it.

[Sam]

It's hard for him to get out.

[Joe]

Don't worry about that.

[George Severis]

It's really difficult for me to give compliments to women.

[Joe]

Yes. Okay. I'm so sweaty. Okay, so basically. Basically. Basically, yeah. I would be in the middle of being like, hey, here's what we're doing today. And Sam would go like. It's. It's.

[George Severis]

Sam will occasionally have a performative yawn.

[Sam]

It's not performative. It's not performative. I get sleepy. I'm. I'm self diagnosed as narcoleptic.

[George Severis]

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

[Joe]

And how do you sneeze?

[Sam]

I chew a big one.

[Joe]

And how do you pee? Pee?

[Sam]

Pee much?

[Joe]

Piss. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[George Severis]

Something I found interesting.

[Joe]

No. Yeah.

[George Severis]

Excuse me.

[Joe]

Sorry, I was keeping going.

[George Severis]

I guess I do want to stay a little more on whether this book is a feminist text.

[Joe]

Fabulous.

[George Severis]

Because a big part of the twist is that antifreeze is seen as a feminine weapon. Like poisoning is.

[Sam]

Because it's poison.

[George Severis]

Yeah, like poisoning is something women do, not men. And the men take advantage of, like, systemic sexism by basically using poison, knowing that the police and the detective will Think it was a woman. So I guess my question for you is, what's a badass woman you look up to.

[Sam]

And you can't say Maggie.

[George Severis]

Smith or Louella Van Horn.

[Joe]

Can I tell you what it seems like when you just talked to me right now? It was like. It was like, here, honey. Here, honey. I gave you this flower. I gave you this flower Here. Is this flower in a pot? It's. With fresh.

[George Severis]

You mean I'm being, like, condescending?

[Joe]

No, no, no. Good.

[George Severis]

Google it.

[Sam]

No good. You're being, like a sweet, sweet, sweet person.

[Joe]

Okay, here's this flower in a fresh pot. I put the fresh dirt on it, and then I'm like, where'd you get the dirt? And you're like, your.

[George Severis]

It's crazy that there's. You're having an interaction that I'm part of, and then there's this entire undercurrent of this story you're making up about it that I cannot predict at all.

[Joe]

You know exactly what it's like.

[Sam]

No, I don't.

[Joe]

What do you think this is? What do you think this has been like?

[George Severis]

I gave you a compliment.

[Sam]

I think this has been a really productive conversation about your creative process. I think.

[George Severis]

I think we're the ones that. We're the ones that keep bringing it back to the book. You know, often it's the other way around. A celebrity will be interviewed.

[Joe]

Celebrity?

[George Severis]

A celebrity.

[Sam]

Well, on this podcast, authors are celebrities.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Nowhere else. So a celebrity will be interviewed, and then the interviewer will be like, so you were spotted with Brad Pitt? And then the celebrity will be like, I actually just want to talk about menu play. It's about a woman who has a difficult time in the grocery store because of the pandemic.

[Joe]

Oh, sounds like a good book.

[George Severis]

This is a play, actually. But you did change it from book to play.

[Sam]

That was confusing. Wait, because we were talking about authors, and then it was like the author of the.

[George Severis]

I actually said celebrity in my story, not author.

[Sam]

Well, I changed it.

[George Severis]

Oh. My point is, usually the interviewer is the one trying to take the conversation away from the work, and the celebrity tries to bring her back to the work. But I think Sam and I have done such a good job of going back to the book, which you see him, in fact, not wanting to talk.

[Joe]

No, I want to talk about it, believe me.

[George Severis]

Believe.

[Sam]

What do you want to say about it?

[Joe]

Basically, it's like a great summer read.

[George Severis]

Or fall, because, you know, summer's ending soon.

[Sam]

But it's a quick read, so, you know, there's still time in the summer for it to be a summer read.

[George Severis]

That's true.

[Joe]

Well, it's not that quick. That's true.

[Sam]

Especially if you get the big version.

[George Severis]

It would take so long to read the big version. Turning those giant. Turning those giant pages.

[Joe]

First of all. Okay, yeah, first of all, here's how this should go.

[George Severis]

It's been going.

[Joe]

No, no, no. Here's how this should go.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

Delete all that from before.

[George Severis]

Done.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Joe]

Hey George. Nice to see you again. Sam. What's up babe? Okay. Okay. So then it's like. Then it's like they're like. Do you have a book said? Yeah.

[George Severis]

Great impression of us by the way. You think we have little queenie feminine voices?

[Joe]

First of all, I use my masculine voice for.

[George Severis]

You think this is what we sound like? Hi Will. Hi Grace.

[Joe]

I'm Jack.

[George Severis]

That's you. That's who you think we are.

[Joe]

I never trying to bait. I mean get baited.

[George Severis]

Huh.

[Sam]

That makes one of us.

[Joe]

Okay, he's obsessed. Okay, so basically. Basically, here's the thing.

[George Severis]

Okay, here's you go again with basically. Let's hope you'll land this one.

[Joe]

Really cool that you brought a book. They're really cool that. Thanks for giving us this book.

[George Severis]

So you think we're like straight acting because we're self hating gays and we wanna. We wanna seem like masculine. Is that what you think, Sam?

[Joe]

That was really flattering impression, wasn't it?

[Sam]

I thought that was really flattering. Thank you for that.

[George Severis]

Okay, so tell us, how is it gonna go?

[Joe]

Impressions aside, I'll just be neutral.

[George Severis]

Uh huh.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

So you think we stand for nothing? We've never voted in an election. We're just like centrists. Oh, I hope Biden. I hope Biden goes back into the race.

[Joe]

Honestly, I don't know if you're staying away from sugar and carbs or what's happening. Okay, I noticed that George was ripped when I got here. Sam, I'd be shocked if you weren't ripped as well.

[Sam]

Joe, I'm not ripped.

[Joe]

I would be shocked to find that out. Both of you are obviously on a steaming rocket to the top.

[George Severis]

But.

[Joe]

But I just want to warn you that there are monsters dragging it down.

[Sam]

You know, I did notice there was an anti fame sentiment in the book.

[George Severis]

Yeah. And actually that is something we wanted to talk to you about. Is like is this book you having been inside the Hollywood Beast?

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

You know, you're a head. You know, head writer. These big shows.

[Sam]

You've met people that would literally kill to Be on tv.

[George Severis]

You've been on Jeffrey Epstein's island post cancellation. You're the only one still going.

[Joe]

No.

[George Severis]

People are like, no one lives here anymore. You say, I'm ready to party.

[Joe]

No, no, no.

[George Severis]

And so then you're writing the satire about everything you've seen.

[Joe]

Yes, the satire.

[Sam]

The satire of the entertainment industry.

[Joe]

No, but. And I just want to say that I wrote this before I did work with. I did work with Sophie Buttle, who's. Who was. Yes. And I worked with Taylor Tomlinson, and Taylor and Sophie are two. I would say, two of the most villainous characters in the book. But that has no relation. I wrote the book before I met them. Okay. I just wanted to get that clear.

[Sam]

We did not accuse you of that.

[George Severis]

No, but I also don't think Sophie is villainous. I think Sophie is just like.

[Sam]

Yeah, she seems kind of neutral.

[George Severis]

Yeah. And she's also sort of like. I think, honestly, like, she seems mousy.

[Joe]

What? Sophie de Plaza.

[George Severis]

She's sort of like. She doesn't seem to have a lot of people in her life. On a moment's notice, she can go catstead for two weeks. She's, like, clearly wanting human interaction. That's why she keeps texting Luella.

[Sam]

And to me, it felt like, you know, it felt like family, where it was like, oh, she's mean because you're so close.

[George Severis]

Yeah. You think she's mean? Like, really mean.

[Joe]

Okay, so I guess what's happening here is that you guys are kind of on the literary side.

[George Severis]

Well, obviously.

[Joe]

And it's becoming clearer to me after my series of tests that you did a deeper read than I thought.

[George Severis]

Well, we're just being respectful.

[Joe]

What if I told you this was all a text?

[Sam]

Trying to engage with the text.

[George Severis]

What was all it was writing the.

[Sam]

Book, like a Willy Wonka style thing.

[Joe]

I am tired of you comparing me to Willy Wonka. That's the last time you're doing it.

[Sam]

No more. What's no more? Wonkas?

[George Severis]

You don't like being compared to anyone. You don't like being compared to Louella. You don't like being compared to Willy Wonka.

[Joe]

These are two poor examples. That's like saying, oh, you don't like being compared to that squirrel in the ground, and you don't like being compared to which.

[Sam]

And you couldn't think of one badass woman that you look up to.

[Joe]

I thought we moved on from that.

[George Severis]

You couldn't think of one badass woman, and you think Sophie, a female character you wrote, is a huge C word.

[Joe]

I never said the C word.

[George Severis]

You said that. I can't repeat it, but you said it.

[Joe]

I never said the C word. A woman I look up to strong. I would have to say. I would have to say Viola Davis.

[George Severis]

Have you met her?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Really?

[George Severis]

What's she like?

[Joe]

She's amazing.

[George Severis]

Where'd you meet her?

[Joe]

Well, I got a part playing opposite her in a TV show.

[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

What, What.

[Sam]

What TV show?

[Joe]

It's called the First Lady. Okay.

[George Severis]

She plays Michelle Obama.

[Joe]

Yes. And I was supposed to play a high status character opposite her, and I couldn't really do it. And I got sequestered several times by the director who kept telling me to please do better. And then the director who hates. Famously hates red lipstick after pulling me aside 10 times to do better, she said, put her in the red lipstick.

[George Severis]

Meaning the red lipstick will elevate your performance.

[Joe]

That was her last attempt before she just cut me all together, I think. So she said, put her in the red lipstick, and all of them knew what that meant.

[Sam]

Was she putting you in red lipstick so that she would hate you on screen so that she could cut you?

[Joe]

I'm not sure. But it was. It was. It was one of the worst experiences I've yet to have. And yes, I'm including working with you, Sam, and our lunch, George. Okay.

[Sam]

Interesting.

[George Severis]

So. And. And Viola was kind, lovely on set.

[Joe]

And she was like, it's okay. So nice.

[Sam]

That's nice.

[Joe]

She's really much, much better at almost everything than I am. And she was so nice.

[Sam]

So I'm curious about this high status thing.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Who are you playing? I was supposed to be Angela Merkel. Joe, be honest. Were you playing Angela Merkel? Don't lie.

[Joe]

No, I didn't have the part of Angela.

[George Severis]

Angela Merkel in A Bold Lip.

[Sam]

Angela, if she slayed angel, if she slayed.

[George Severis]

Is Louella Van Horn based on Angela Merkel? If she slayed.

[Joe]

I don't even know what frame of mind you all are in anymore. Okay.

[Sam]

Hillary Clinton, how big of a role was this?

[Joe]

This was one scene. Basically, I was supposed to be her chief of staff.

[Sam]

Oh, my God, that's big.

[Joe]

I know. And I was supposed to be, like, dismissive of her being like, I know how to do this. You don't. But it was Viola Davis. So what am I supposed to do? Pretend like acting? I'm not gonna be acting.

[Sam]

That's not fair. To make you high status against her. That's not fair.

[George Severis]

That is crazy. And. And to make you high status against a Viola Davis, B playing Michelle Obama. That's like two layers of highlights.

[Joe]

She kept being like, can you stand up straight? Tough.

[Sam]

That's tough.

[Joe]

Tough. Because I can't. Turns out. Turns out I can't.

[George Severis]

What was.

[Sam]

But you nailed the audition.

[Joe]

No, no, no, I didn't.

[Sam]

Was your dad directing it?

[George Severis]

J.J. abrams.

[Joe]

I know you guys think I'm Gracie Abrams, but I'm not. Okay? I told you this several times, even though I look and sound like her. What's that song she does sing?

[Sam]

I literally couldn't tell you.

[George Severis]

I know the one from the meme.

[Joe]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[George Severis]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Joe]

A meme.

[George Severis]

It was a meme.

[Joe]

Gosh, you guys really do like meme culture.

[George Severis]

How dare you accuse us of liking meme culture. Everything we. Every meme we have been exposed to has been against our will.

[Sam]

This is one of Joe's big things that she would accuse the room of being obsessed with meme culture.

[George Severis]

Oh, but this is classic. It's because you're not on Instagram, so you get none of it. And we, like, get some of the backwash from just, like, residual.

[Sam]

She has a burner account.

[George Severis]

You do?

[Sam]

It's private and secret.

[George Severis]

Are you the one commenting on all our videos? What?

[Sam]

And, George, you'll know it's her secret account because it's just Joe Firestone. Okay, but like.

[George Severis]

But with numbers instead of letters.

[Joe]

You two can go. You guys can go. Why don't you go to dinner? Why don't you take an early break and go to dinner? So, yeah, it was numbers instead of letters. And, yeah, it is my name. And I didn't know that. If you're gonna burn an account, you're supposed to make a difference.

[George Severis]

Can I say something, Acorn head? I rarely have this sort of, like, childlike FOMO or, like, fear of being left out anymore, but one way in which I.

[Joe]

Wait.

[Sam]

Oh, my God.

[George Severis]

So unprofessional.

[Sam]

Jo's headphones just fell clear off her head.

[George Severis]

One of the ways in which I do. Oh, look, I'm holding it with two hands in honor of you.

[Sam]

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[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

The reviews and ratings are in, and IceCube's Big Three is the surprise hit of the summer. And to cap off the season. Iheart presents the the Big Three basketball playoffs this Sunday at 3pm Eastern. The remaining four teams battle it out for the right to make the Big Three Championship in the most physical, fierce and competitive basketball league in the world. The action starts with the Big 3 Monster Energy Celebrity Game where your favorite stars compete in Big 33 on 3 basketball. Then the first of two semifinal games features Dwight Howard and the LA Riot taking on Montrez Harrell and Dr. J's first place Chicago Triplets. The first finale will see popular Miami Three Hundred and Five with stars MVP Michael Beasley and Lance will make you Dan Stevenson take on Nancy Lieberman's Dallas power who finished the season winning five straight weeks to capture second place. Can Glenn Rice, Greg Monroe and Paul Millsap stop Miami's physical assault? Or will Miami and Beasley put an end to Dallas winning ways? Who will make it to the Big Three championship? This no holds barred action starts Sunday at 3pm Eastern, 12 Pacific only on CBS.

[Christina Quinn]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[George Severis]

One of the ways in which I have, I don't know, fear of being left out is I have this fear that everyone I know has alt accounts that I don't know about. Yes, of course, because occasionally I do learn about one of them and then I follow and then I'm like, so this has been happening this whole time?

[Joe]

I know.

[George Severis]

No one told me.

[Joe]

I know.

[George Severis]

Everyone else is just chatting.

[Joe]

I know.

[George Severis]

And sometimes, you know, in our community, Joe, those accounts will also have full cock. What are Your thoughts about that?

[Joe]

If you're talking about a chicken, I'm in. If you're talking about the veiny tube.

[George Severis]

The veiny tube.

[Sam]

The veiny tube. Damn, that's nasty.

[George Severis]

No, that's a really amazing no. Yeah.

[Joe]

No, Sam texted me the veiny tube.

[Sam]

That feel when the veiny tube hit. Oh, wow.

[Joe]

What would you call it?

[Sam]

He already did.

[Joe]

What do you call it on a day to day basis? You see one on the street, what do you say it's called?

[George Severis]

If it's on the street? I would say maybe penis or maybe dick.

[Joe]

But if it's inside a house, like fucking the house.

[George Severis]

Like a giant veiny tube fucking a house.

[Joe]

You all need to get your priorities straight. Okay. I'm talking about if it's inside the house.

[George Severis]

Inside my house, sure.

[Sam]

Is it.

[George Severis]

Is it mine?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Again, it's gonna have to go ahead and be context dependent whether it's in or out of the house.

[Joe]

Okay. Whatever. Tube, tube, tube to go.

[George Severis]

Okay, So I have one beanie tube to go.

[Sam]

Tube to go.

[Joe]

Oh, Sabrina Carpenter.

[George Severis]

No, that's Chapel.

[Joe]

Oh, my mistake.

[Sam]

We've been recording for a full hour and a half.

[George Severis]

We don't want to keep you. We don't want to keep you.

[Joe]

Okay. Amazing how time flies when you're being eviscerated.

[George Severis]

What in your dream of this is not being eviscerated? We have been uplifting you this entire time. We've been promoting your book. We've been singing your praises. We're saying you're the funniest person we know. Sam is talking about all the funny things you've been saying that you refuse to believe are funny and you think are professional.

[Sam]

I didn't even tell him about T Job.

[George Severis]

Jobo, we gave you a platform to talk about acting alongside Viola Davis, an Academy Award winner.

[Joe]

And I did enjoy the platform.

[George Severis]

Yeah, I do think that story is fake. We'll play along.

[Sam]

Joe, would you like us to ask any other questions about your book?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Like what do you want us to ask?

[Joe]

Like maybe, like what was your favorite? Like what has it evolved?

[Sam]

Okay. What is your favorite? What has it evolved? I don't like that.

[George Severis]

That's a great question, Sam. Joe, what do you think?

[Joe]

No, I don't like those.

[George Severis]

Feel free to take them one at a time.

[Joe]

I do not like it when you repeat exactly what I've said.

[George Severis]

What?

[Joe]

I feel as though we are on a playground and you all have a big ball and I am running to it.

[George Severis]

Joe, we have one final question. So what's your Take.

[Joe]

Huh? My take.

[George Severis]

100%. Yeah.

[Sam]

What's your take?

[George Severis]

Here's a question for you.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

What are your three favorite books?

[Sam]

That's a tough one. We're letterboxd now, but for books.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Okay. I really enjoy the Friend by Segar Nunes. Yes.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

But I never remember if the dog dies at the end, so I'm always hesitant to.

[George Severis]

Have you seen the film adaptation with Naomi Watts? I haven't either. Oh, my God. We should go together. I'm not even kidding, actually.

[Joe]

Oh, okay. You didn't say that. That was, like, maybe the meanest thing you've ever. I'm not even joking and not even being satire that I would spend time with you free.

[George Severis]

Okay. The friend. What else?

[Sam]

This is a really hard question.

[Joe]

I really.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Thank God we don't have to answer it.

[Sam]

I literally.

[Joe]

Okay. I really, like. I really had fun with. With Janice Hallett's the Appeal.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

That's really. That's written in emails and text messages, and it's a mystery about a fundraiser gone wrong.

[George Severis]

Oh, my God, I love that. Okay, we're going to jot that one down.

[Joe]

That's jotted. Jotted down in a community theater production. Oh, that's really.

[George Severis]

Okay, great.

[Joe]

Okay. And I'll have to say, you know what? I'll put up there. I'll put up there. The Secret History by Donna.

[George Severis]

Donna Tark. Great book. We both read that.

[Sam]

We both read that.

[Joe]

You did? And did you like it?

[George Severis]

Yes, we loved it.

[Joe]

I had a fun time with it.

[George Severis]

You know, there was an aborted adaptation of it. It was, like, for years, like, in development hell, and then it never happened.

[Joe]

Really?

[George Severis]

Yeah. Can you see it being so good?

[Joe]

Yes.

[Sam]

Joe, buy the rights.

[George Severis]

Joe, buy the rights.

[Sam]

Joe, buy the rights.

[Joe]

I actually don't have a job right now, so I'm not really. And I did just spend accidentally $27 on noodle, so I kind of am in a place where I need to conserve kind of what I'm putting out.

[George Severis]

Well, you have to spend money to make money.

[Sam]

That's so true.

[George Severis]

Go in debt, go in debt Joe just won't go in debt, Go in.

[Sam]

Debt Take out a loan I'll do it with you.

[Joe]

Let's go in debt and I'm not even joking. And I'm not even joking.

[Sam]

To be fair, that time. He was joking.

[George Severis]

I was joking. Joe. I'm not gonna go in debt. I'm not like you. I'm not gonna go in debt. I have savings. I like, take. I'm, like, good with money.

[Joe]

I am nearly 40, and I never have spent an hour and a half.

[George Severis]

Like this spending $27 on noodles. To me is like, nothing.

[Joe]

Do you know what normally. Do you know what normally my podcast appearances are like?

[George Severis]

What?

[Joe]

Hi. How are you? Good, good. How are you?

[George Severis]

Sounds riveting.

[Sam]

Hi. Hi. How are you? Good, Good. How are you?

[Joe]

You all. You all. You all deserve. You. You all deserve a long break with a Roku.

[George Severis]

What?

[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

What?

[George Severis]

A long break with a Roku.

[Joe]

You know what I mean.

[George Severis]

No, not at all.

[Sam]

Not even a little.

[George Severis]

Do you mean, like.

[Sam]

Like, we need to watch some tv.

[George Severis]

We need to watch some tv.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Maybe an ep. Have you been watching the Hunting Wives?

[Joe]

I thought you were gonna ask about Gilded Age.

[George Severis]

I would never. I already know you watch the Gilded Age.

[Joe]

No, I don't watch the Hunting Wife.

[George Severis]

You should watch.

[Joe]

I heard it was too sexual.

[George Severis]

Oh, yeah. You're not gonna like that.

[Joe]

I don't like. I don't like simulated sexual.

[George Severis]

There was both fuck and suck in that show.

[Joe]

I can't watch it. I like it when it's implied. With the sheet. With the sheet up here covering the nipples.

[Sam]

Joe, you don't like sex and things scare you easily, right? Like, you don't like scary.

[Joe]

If. If you said those sentences to anyone else, they would go out of their way to kill you.

[George Severis]

You know, your mind always goes to murder. No one would kill you if you ask them if they like sex or not.

[Joe]

No, he says you don't like sex and you scare easy. Like, honestly. Like, honestly. That's how I'm supposed to walk around. I'm trying to promote a book, and you're going off saying explicit sentences. You don't like sex and you scare easy.

[George Severis]

Well, I think what Sam is leading to is it's interesting that you wrote.

[Sam]

A book focusing on sex and murder.

[George Severis]

Yeah, sex and violence.

[Joe]

Well, I'm glad that both of you.

[Sam]

Find that interesting, but it's important to scare ourselves.

[George Severis]

Were you scared writing the book? Were you like. Yeah.

[Sam]

Were you like, eee.

[George Severis]

Especially when it's so giant in the calendar letters.

[Sam]

Your baby shoes were quaking.

[George Severis]

Couldn't even get on top of those stairs to escape. Big bad going left and right.

[Sam]

Well.

[Joe]

I can't believe I went to Dumbo for this.

[George Severis]

I want to say we've been. We could talk to you for hours. And you're welcome to stay. We're trying to wrap it up for your sake, because we want to be respectful of your time.

[Sam]

Well, obviously, but it's hard to wrap it up. I'm Feeling I'm struggling to find an end point.

[Joe]

Okay, I'll give you an end point.

[Sam]

Oh, okay. Well, you're good at the end. It's what you do first.

[George Severis]

Oh, but that's a good point. And after you do that we can just riff.

[Sam]

Joe, what's the end?

[Joe]

Okay, so you guys could say something like, oh, I didn't know my hair was this. Okay, so basically you guys could. Okay, you guys could say something like, oh, I didn't realize what it took to write a book and to be so. And to be into and to get out, to get on the same level. Let's just say something that we want to do that that's a big goal of ours.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Sam]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Okay. So we can both say, oh, I didn't know how hard it was to write a book and so to get on the same level. Let us all say something that is a goal of ours.

[Joe]

George, George, you are not doing a self tape for the role of me. Okay.

[George Severis]

I'm sorry. I was doing a self tape for the role of Michelle Obama's chief of staff and I think I absolutely nailed it. You booked down.

[Sam]

Get him some red lipsticks.

[George Severis]

J.J. abrams is. Okay, so what is a goal of ours? We're talking short term, medium term or long term?

[Joe]

Long term. Oh my gosh, I am stuck to the chain.

[George Severis]

Long term goal. Okay.

[Sam]

I didn't realize how hard it was to write a book. I'm so impressed that you have put pen to paper and really done it. First self published. You said, I won't take no for an answer. I'm self publishing. And then eventually they did say yes and real published. That is really beautiful. And I hope to put myself out there in the long term and short term forever and ever. Amen.

[George Severis]

Amen. Joe, you are quite literally one of my role models.

[Sam]

Joe, you're the funniest person on earth.

[Joe]

You guys are just saying that because I'm 20 years older than you.

[George Severis]

We are not saying that. Even if you were 12 years old years old, I would say, fuck, I am behind because that 12 year old is really funny and talented.

[Joe]

Do you know what would be wonderful? Is to not to go back at some point. I would say that maybe when I. By the time I was 18 or so before, when I was 17, I had my. I just took. I took a hormonal birth control that it made.

[Sam]

Yeah, keep going, please keep going.

[George Severis]

This is how I hope this episode would end. Thank you for bringing it up, by the way, because it's been the elephant in the room. The whole time.

[Sam]

When I was 17. You took a hormonal birth control?

[George Severis]

Yes. So far, so good.

[Joe]

It made my breast grow long.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

I just think about when I was 12.

[George Severis]

Forward or down?

[Joe]

Both.

[George Severis]

Oh, well, that's not long then. That's just big.

[Joe]

No, trust me. Okay, so then. So basically, and then ever since then, the rest of my body has changed, but they stay long.

[Sam]

And, you know, it was because of the hormonal birth control.

[Joe]

Yeah. But I think about when I was 12, I didn't have this.

[Sam]

Are you sure it wasn't just puberty, right?

[Joe]

No, I don't go through puberty at age 17.

[Sam]

Sure.

[George Severis]

Oh, so 12 to 17, normal boobs starting. 17 long. Is that what you're saying?

[Joe]

Yes.

[George Severis]

I have to say you're putting us in a trap. Because for us to either debunk or agree with this, we would have to ogle at your body and comment on it, which I don't.

[Sam]

It is complicated.

[George Severis]

I don't want to do.

[Sam]

If I were to deflect, I would just say, what? And we know I'm not allowed to do that.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Strap in to summer camp because you're about. You don't need to debunk. You need to get pre bunk.

[George Severis]

Pre bunk? Is that the same as precom or. No.

[Sam]

So you're raising awareness for birth control and changing people's boobs.

[Joe]

Can I tell you something? I try to do cowl backs like you will.

[Sam]

Callbacks, callbacks.

[George Severis]

No cowl back.

[Sam]

I literally was like, what is she. Oh, got it.

[George Severis]

It's no callabax. Well, I have two Kallabak shots.

[Joe]

I tried to do callbacks like you all. Okay. I know you guys have been doing callbacks.

[George Severis]

I guess my question is, what is the long boobs calling back to? Because to me, it seems like an entirely new joke.

[Sam]

I know we're trying to end, and you're bringing up a new thing.

[George Severis]

So now. Now we suddenly have to do long boobs?

[Joe]

No, no. I was trying to do a callback.

[George Severis]

2.

[Sam]

2.

[Joe]

I'm not sure I did.

[George Severis]

So you thought, let me start this story about long boobs, and hopefully it'll lead somewhere that is actually a thing we've already said.

[Joe]

Improv is so hard. I just wish I could watch it.

[George Severis]

Oh, yeah, everyone wishes they could watch improv. If only we could all just watch improv, the world would be so much easier.

[Joe]

It's just you all kind of have your own little thing, and you're all starting sentences together. You're doing callbacks, and I just Think that it's. Oh. Is this supposed to be a toothbrush? No. Oh. So basically. Basically, I just think that it's really impressive what you guys do.

[George Severis]

Thank you.

[Sam]

Thank you, Joe. We think you are so impressive.

[George Severis]

We literally.

[Sam]

You're the funniest person on earth.

[George Severis]

You are. It's true. We talk about it all the time.

[Joe]

What's this supposed to be like?

[George Severis]

Little tube.

[Sam]

Think of it like, you know, you might call it a cock.

[George Severis]

Yeah, they're like veiny tubes. The old veiny tube.

[Sam]

Everyone go buy Murder on Sex Island. It's an amazing late summer read or early fall read.

[Joe]

Is that your chest or two veiny tubes.

[George Severis]

Okay, I get it. I get it.

[Sam]

You don't give back. Good job, Joe.

[Joe]

I never want anyone to look at me the way you just did.

[George Severis]

In my defense, what happened is. It doesn't matter.

[Joe]

Can I take this home?

[George Severis]

Yes, of course. It's for you, Joe.

[Joe]

Sam. Enjoy 9:00am because it.

[Sam]

Because of the time difference.

[Joe]

Yeah. Okay.

[George Severis]

It's not a seven hour time difference.

[Sam]

That was a New York versus LA joke, everyone. I'm in la, Jo. So the time is different.

[George Severis]

Joe, we love you.

[Joe]

Yeah, I love you too, Joe.

[Sam]

You're the greatest there ever was.

[George Severis]

You are literally the greatest there ever was. And I have to say, I'm so happy you're back in New York.

[Joe]

Yeah. Face.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

And if I were to choose between suck and fuck, I would say whichever one's the best one. That's the one I would choose for you. I'm confused about which one you prefer.

[Sam]

I think her preference was quite clear in the original reading of which is fuck. Yeah.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Joe]

No, I prefer if you're gonna have a candy.

[George Severis]

Huh?

[Joe]

I'd rather suck it than it.

[George Severis]

Why didn't. No candy was involved.

[Sam]

We have to end. This is crazy.

[George Severis]

Okay, goodbye.

[Sam]

Okay, goodbye. Podcast ends now.

[George Severis]

Want more? Subscribe to our Patreon for two extra episodes a month. Discord Access and more by heading to patreon.com Stradiolab and for all our visual learners.

[Sam]

Free full length video episodes are available on our YouTube.

[George Severis]

Now get back to work.

[Sam]

Stradiolab is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network and iHeart Podcasts.

[George Severis]

Created and hosted by George Severis and.

[Sam]

Sam Taf Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hansani and Olivia Aguilar Co produced by Bay Wang Edited and engineered by Adam.

[George Severis]

Avalos Artwork by Michael Fales and Matt.

[Sam]

Grubb Theme music by Ben Kling.

[Joe]

Iheart.

[Big Three Basketball Announcer]

Presents the Big three playoffs this Sunday. The remaining four teams battle to make the championship in the most physical, fierce and competition competitive basketball league in the world. The action starts with the Big three Monster Energy Celebrity Games, then Dwight Howard and his Ellie Riot take on Montrez Harrell and Dr. J Chicago triplets. The finale will see popular Miami 305 with stars MVP Michael Beasley and Lance Stevenson take on Nancy Lieberman's Dallas power who will make it to the Big Three championship. The no holds barred action starts Sunday at 3pm Eastern, 12 Pacific only on CBS.

[Christina Quinn]

If you eat too many ultra processed foods, you could be starving your gut microbes and they'll get hangry. That's one of many things I learned after working on a new audio course about the gut microbiome. You can learn how to keep your gut happy by listening to Try this from the Washington Post. I'm Christina Quinn. I host Try this. Dig in with Me on practical advice for life's common challenges. Follow Try this right now, wherever you're listening. Seriously, try it.

[George Severis]

Honestly, Honestly, Honestly.

[Sam]

No one wants to think about hiv, but there are things that everyone can do to help prevent it. Things like prep. PREP stands for Pre Exposure Prophylaxis and it means routinely taking prescription medicine before you're exposed to HIV to help reduce your chances of getting it. Prep can be about 99% effective when taken as prescribed. It doesn't protect against other STIs, though, so be sure to use condoms and other healthy sex practices. Ask a healthcare provider about all your prevention Options and visit findoutaboutprep.com to learn more.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sponsored by Gilead hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and SAFEWAY now through August 26th, it's back to Deals time, where you can enjoy storewide deals and earn four times points. Look for in store tags to earn on eligible items from Califia Farms, Pillsbury Crescent, Yoplait, General Mills, Prego, Bertoli, Heinz and Kraft. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Christina Quinn]

This is an iHeart podcast.