StraightioLab Rewind: "Straight Lines" w/ Martine

Summary

STRAIGHTIOLAB REWIND: "STRAIGHT LINES" w/ MARTINE
StraightioLab – August 7, 2026
Big Money Players Network and iHeartPodcasts

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Episode Overview

This "StratioLab Rewind" episode features hosts George Civeris and Sam Taggart joined by the enigmatic multi-hyphenate Martine (recent star of "Phantasma") for a lively, layered, and frequently hilarious conversation. The episode, which the hosts describe as a classic pulled from the show’s archives, stays true to StraightioLab’s signature style: interrogating the structures and absurdities of “straight culture”—here, in a uniquely literal twist, by discussing actual straight lines (rulers, grids, knives, etc.). Throughout, Martine’s elusive charm, dry humor, and reluctance to reveal too much keep the conversation both playful and unexpectedly philosophical. The hosts probe, riff, and muse on secrecy, power, and the very meaning of “straightness,” with plenty of digressions about identity, performance, and generational trauma.

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Detailed Breakdown

1. Opening Banter: Performing, Exclusion & Homecomings

[04:19 - 07:19]

• Sam describes the anxiety of the moments just before starting the podcast—being caught between "backstage" and "onstage."
• George likens entering the podcast space to making a showy entrance through the back of a venue, drawing all eyes, and disrupting expectations.
• Martine first chimes in feeling like a third wheel:
  • “I feel excluded…but in a way that makes you want to perform even better.” (Martine, 06:47)
• Hosts and guest riff on social awkwardness—talking to strangers at restaurants, feeling seen, performing nonchalance.

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2. Introducing Martine: On Oversharing, Intimacy, and Secrets

[07:21 - 13:38]

• Martine, after being introduced, says she resists oversharing and worries about being too genuine:
  • “Sometimes I just get too genuine and…the other person…they don’t know what they’re in for.” (Martine, 08:08)
• Sam and George ask what changed in Martine’s life to finally agree to be on the podcast:
  • Martine confesses, “I don’t enjoy inhabiting this body and being on Earth, but I have made the best of it.” (Martine, 10:40)
  • She says she’s doing press due to outside pressure, not personal desire.
• Sam and George tease Martine about "having a big secret," which she only partly denies:
  • “I have a big secret…maybe two.” (Martine, 12:58)

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3. Absurd Digressions: The Tunnel of Hits & Lateness

[14:46 - 16:40]

• Martine blames being late for the recording on getting caught in a comically surreal “tunnel of hits”—a hallway that plays music as you walk.
• George reframes Martine’s 35-minute tardiness as a dramatic, even pleasurable entrance:
  • "When you got here, it was nothing but, like, joy… because it could have been so much worse." (George, 15:57)

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4. Gymnastics, American Culture, and Generational Expiration

[16:41 - 19:22]

• Brief—yet sharp—side discussion about gymnastics and the ephemeral nature of beauty, power, and American heroism:
  • "They celebrate both the communal aspect of American culture and the rigid, individualistic, capitalist nature…" (Sam, 17:06)
  • "…they can only stay so beautiful and strong for so long. So they die out very, very young." (George, 17:17)

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5. Paris Olympics, Pollution & Poop Discourse

[18:33 - 21:03]

• Martine shares that friends found the Paris Olympics underwhelming due to pollution and the state of the Seine, leading to cutely childish riffs on French swear words and potty talk.

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6. Breastfeeding, Families, and Immune Systems

[21:03 - 23:12]

• An unexpected rapid-fire debate on who was breastfed as a baby, equating it (jokingly) to immune system strength and family lore.
• Martine impishly suggests George text his mom to find out:
  • “Should I call her?” (George, 22:44)
  • “Text her, and then maybe she’ll text back.” (Martine, 22:46)

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7. Guest Becomes Interviewer; Icons and Childhood Reverence

[23:21 - 29:04]

• Martine (requested by Sam) lists straight “icons” the hosts admired as children:
  • George: Lance Armstrong (later disappoints due to scandal)
  • Sam: Madonna, specifically lauding her "Rebel Heart" persona and her performative defiance.
• Martine offers, “Most icons…they’re like ideologies.” (Martine, 28:05)
• Martine admits to feeling a need for control and being “thrown off by surprises”—perhaps springing from a botched surprise 21st birthday, which the hosts psychoanalyze as “American trauma” (31:00 – 32:38).

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8. Dessert Metaphors: What Kind of Dessert is Martine?

[33:03 - 35:12]

• Hosts imagine Martine as a minimalist scoop of mint sorbet (“little spoon with big spoon energy”), which spins out into a bit about drag names and the aesthetics of last names (Martine Mint, Martine Valt).

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9. Identity Play: Names, Marriage, and Straightness

[35:13 - 37:42]

• Martine muses on possibly changing her last name if she gets married, preferring alliteration and short names.
• The trio riff on identity fluidity (“I’m open to furries, I’m just kind of open.” – Martine, 58:04), and the meaning of straightness, queerness, and the performative aspects of each.

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10. Martine’s Performative Art: ‘Sip’ and ‘Lick’

[40:21 - 48:05]

• Scene: Martine takes a deliberate sip of water (explained for the audio audience), and the group mock-solemnly analyzes it as high art.
  • "Sip changed the game. I remember where I was when I first saw Sip." (Sam, 41:25)
  • Martine insists: “It’s about sipping.” (Martine, 41:49)
• Later, Martine is dared to lick her notebook (“Ew. That was nasty.” – Martine, 47:26), which is quickly folded into their ongoing satirical mythmaking about her career (“Sip and Lick: Which is more defining?”).

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11. Straight Shooters Segment

[49:27 - 55:42]

• The recurring game where guests must rapidly choose between absurd “this or that” prompts, emphasizing the bizarre, arbitrary nature of many straight cultural signifiers.
  • Martine is forbidden from asking for clarification, adding to her discomfort.
  • Martine admits: “I’m already nervous.” (Martine, 49:56)

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12. The Main Topic: Literal Straightness (Rulers, Grids, Knives, Graph Paper)

[55:42 - 62:01]

• Martine interprets the assignment literally, listing objects with straight lines as “straight things”: rulers, grids, graph paper, columns, knives.
  • “Wrong. Like straight things…” (Martine, 56:38)
  • "Knives have curves." (George, 56:54)
• The hosts play along, discussing the physical shapes before nudging Martine back toward “straight” in the sexual/identity sense.
• Martine playfully subverts the assignment again by refusing to rate people on a "straight to gay" continuum:
  • "I just wouldn’t do that. What is all this? Measuring?" (Martine, 61:54)
• This prompts a meta turn about the hosts’ own compulsions for measurement, grading, and reflection as tools of straight culture.

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13. Power Dynamics, Dominance, and “Power Little Spoon” Energy

[62:07 - 66:57]

• Ongoing bit: Martine is described as a “power little spoon” (little spoon with big spoon/alpha energy).
• The trio joke about pet twinks, furries, dom/sub roles, and the oddities of queer relationships, all while spinning out new character/drag name bits.
• Martine alternately teases, retreats, and assumes the role of avant-garde artist (“I can’t be contained in that box…” – Martine, 48:40).

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14. Shout Outs: Sincere and Absurd Dedications

[68:05 - 74:43]

• Final segment: Each participant gives radio-style “shout outs.”
  • Sam: To Siggy’s yogurt (“15g protein per cup, mama…” – Sam, 70:25).
  • George: Sincerely to Martine herself (“…yet you are a mystery…The mystery will never be solved…embrace” – George, 71:55).
  • Martine: To her locksmith for teaching her lockpicking, and to Brooklyn Ball Factory for their rice balls (“…spicy salmon…so cute…” – Martine, 74:04).

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15. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On being genuinely present:

  • “I don’t enjoy inhabiting this body and being on Earth, but I have made the best of it.” (Martine, 10:40)

• On secrets and control:

  • “I have a big secret. Maybe two.” (Martine, 13:03)
  • “I know I have control issues…It’s why I was like, ‘I’m gonna ask you questions,’ and it’s why it doesn’t make me a great actor.” (Martine, 29:13)

• On trauma and American-ness:

  • “That’s such an American trauma. Like, ‘You forgot my birthday!’” (Martine, 32:15)
  • “What if the trauma is that you succumbed to an American trauma?” (Sam, 32:24)

• On queer/straight measurement:

  • “I just wouldn’t [rank men, women, twinks, furries]. What is all this? Measuring? Oh, did I say ruler?” (Martine, 61:54)

• On art and meaning:

  • “People always ask Martine, ‘What is Sip about?’…It’s about sipping.” (Sam, 41:49)

• On rebel hearts:

  • “Rebel heart is actually kind of a huge idea…I carry that with me.” (Martine, 28:56)

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16. Timestamps for Key Segments

• [07:21] Martine’s introduction and her resistance to oversharing.
• [10:09] The “big secret” motif begins.
• [14:46] Martine lost in the “tunnel of hits.”
• [16:41] Gymnastics and the lifespan of beauty in American culture.
• [21:03] Breastfeeding as a metaphor for cultural inheritance.
• [28:40] “Rebel Heart” and the Madonna iconography riff.
• [31:00] Surprise birthday trauma & American identity.
• [35:13] Drag name and dessert identity riff.
• [41:19] “Sip” art performance and mock-art discourse.
• [49:27] Straight Shooters segment.
• [55:42] “Straight things” literal list and linguistic misunderstanding.
• [62:24] Martine refuses to rate identities—pushback on measurement, grading.
• [68:05] Shout Outs segment.

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Conclusion & Tone

Throughout this episode, the tone is arch, playful, and dryly irreverent—balancing intellectual banter with absurd, performative bits. Martine functions as an enigmatic muse for Sam and George, turning the assignment on its head while exposing how even the act of defining “straightness” is riddled with anxieties about performance, measurement, control, and vulnerability. Listeners are left with a paradox: greater insight and even deeper enigma.

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Perfect for: Fans of queer comedy, meta-podcast banter, and those who enjoy seeing “serious” cultural analysis detonate into surreal riffs. If you’ve wondered what would happen if performance art, psychoanalytic games, and queered definitions of “straightness” collided, this is your episode.

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“The mystery will never be solved. And I should stop trying to open the vault and just embrace. The vault is locked.”
— George, [71:55]

“Rebel heart is actually kind of a huge idea…I carry that with me.”
— Martine, [28:56]

Transcript

[Martine]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human

[Sam Taggart]

I love my phone but not my carrier. What do I do?

[Martine]

Well, there are 250 reasons to join T Mobile.

[Sam Taggart]

Like what? You can keep your phone and your

[Martine]

number and T Mobile helps pay it off up to $800 per line.

[George Severis]

So I wouldn't have to buy a new phone?

[Sam Taggart]

Yep.

[Martine]

Plus your plan price stays the same for 5 years on experience plans.

[Sam Taggart]

Nice.

[Martine]

Find your reason@t mobile.com

[Sam Taggart]

via virtual prepaid guard card. Typically takes 15 days after rebate.

[Martine]

Submission price guarantee on TalkText to 5G

[Sam Taggart]

data exclusions like Texas and fees apply.

[Martine]

Hey, Portlandia fans, Kerry Brownstein and Fred Armisen here.

[George Severis]

The dream of the 90s is alive in podcast form.

[Martine]

We're launching Podlandia AO Rewatch, our brand new podcast where we revisit every episode of Portlandia together, breaking down sketches, going deep on our iconic characters, and pulling back the curtain on how it all got made.

[George Severis]

And we'll also be joined by the

[Sam Taggart]

people who helped bring it all to life, guest stars, collaborators and friends, including

[George Severis]

director Jonathan Krisel, the mayor himself, Kyle McLaughlin, legendary musician Amy Mann, and many more.

[Martine]

Kyle is going for it. Here you fully improvised, not just words, but a song about.

[George Severis]

Well, I thought you were all going

[Sam Taggart]

to write a song.

[Martine]

I remember you thinking that. Listen to Podlandia AO rewatch on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts on Solita. We share the messy reality of traveling

[George Severis]

alone as a woman.

[Martine]

Your duolingo is not going to come back to you when a man is inside of no. I'm Julie Pinero and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the

[George Severis]

word Solita, trading the pity for possibility.

[Martine]

Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Sam Taggart]

Hey, this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements.

[George Severis]

We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook every episode. We're trying to help our guests improve

[Sam Taggart]

their careers by mainly focusing on how they can help us improve our careers.

[George Severis]

The show's famously super accessible, so you

[Sam Taggart]

can easily jump into any of our

[George Severis]

650 episodes and understand what's going on.

[Sam Taggart]

We recommend some of our recent episodes with Ben Stiller, Danny McBride, Riz Ahmed, and Mary Steenburgen. Listen to Hollywood handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Foreign. This is George. I'm going to cut right to the chase, folks. As of right now, Sam Taggart is halfway through his standup tour and I, George Severis, am about to start my standup tour. So if you want to see Sam on tour, he has a few dates left. DC, Philly, Chicago, Pittsburgh and Boston. You can go to linktree.comsamtaggart and if you want to see me on tour starting later this month in la, East Hampton, Chicago, Boston, Philly, Pittsburgh, Sacramento, San Francisco, Seattle, Toronto, and a few more dates that I'm adding soon, you can go to linktree.com George Severas that is L I N K T R e-e dash dot com either SamTaggart or George Severis, depending on which one of us you want to see. And I'm going to be honest, some of these dates are selling out, so I would act fast. We cannot wait to see you on the road. We are having so much fun touring. And that's pretty much it. Enjoy the show.

[George Severis]

Hooty hoo, Glamour Girls. You're listening to Stratiolab. Rewind.

[Sam Taggart]

Once a month we will be re releasing an old classic Stratiolab episode to re familiarize new listeners with the lore that built the podcast. The government cannot shut down because we

[George Severis]

recorded some of these long, long ago. The audio quality may be mixed, but trust the ideas are eternal and dangerous.

[Sam Taggart]

So take out your notebook and open to page one because it's time to start taking notes about the things we've said.

[George Severis]

Okay. Enjoy the past. Bye. Podcast starts now. Wow.

[Sam Taggart]

I haven't gathered my thoughts yet.

[George Severis]

Well, what thoughts were there to gather?

[Sam Taggart]

I don't know. There was something. It all happened. So you were like, okay, let's start. Podcast starts now. And I'm. I find myself in that place between backstage and onstage.

[George Severis]

Oh, no.

[Sam Taggart]

And I'm telling myself, go, go. The crowd is waiting, go. But then I'm being like, oh, sorry, just one more sip of water.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And meanwhile, the executive from the big network has already left. He's like, this is not.

[George Severis]

He's like, this is unprofessional.

[Sam Taggart]

This is unprofessional. What is he wearing? He has food in his teeth. Looks disgusting. Disgusting gay guy alert. Yeah, we do not. We have filled our disgusting gay guy quota for the month. We don't need any more with this little bitch.

[George Severis]

Yeah, that can be so hard.

[Sam Taggart]

So that's where I am. How about you?

[George Severis]

Me? I feel like I'm in a similar space, but my imagery is more that I'm walking from the back of the venue and it's sort of like I'm sort of I should have come from, you know, the stage door, but I'm making a show of it, and I'm being like, okay. It's taking me forever to get there, like, in a way that's kind of fun. And everyone's like, oh, wow. He's playing with the form. Like, I didn't know someone could come from the back.

[Sam Taggart]

Ooh, I love that. Are you doing the thing? Are you saying hi to people as you're walking, but with the. With no expectation that they'll say hi back?

[George Severis]

Yes. Just sort of like waves. Waves here and there.

[Sam Taggart]

To be in a room where all eyes are on you.

[George Severis]

Can I tell you, Please. I'm. We're recording this live from New York City.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, of course.

[George Severis]

And, you know, I've been out of town, one could argue. And I went to.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you think living somewhere different permanently counts as being out of town?

[George Severis]

Well, it's certainly not in town, I can say that much. And I went to the Exley last night, and I actually went with one of my co workers at the job who was in New York as well, and he got to watch as people. Everyone comes up and says hi. Oh, my God, you've been out of town. How has it been multiple people?

[Sam Taggart]

It was a homecoming for you.

[George Severis]

It was a homecoming.

[Martine]

Wait, where do you live now?

[George Severis]

In Los Angeles. Oh, yeah.

[Martine]

I'm sorry. I'm. Keep it going. I feel like I'm. I'm, like, eating alone, like, and you're on it, and you're, like, at a

[Sam Taggart]

table for a while.

[George Severis]

You're, like, tweeting. You're like, first date next to me. Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

We put our guests through this wringer of, like. Rather than welcoming them, we make them do the most awkward thing possible, which is just sit there and make facial expressions at us.

[Martine]

Right.

[Sam Taggart]

Just not be able to speak and just have to be like, I.

[Martine]

It's working. I feel. I feel excluded.

[George Severis]

Oh.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh.

[Martine]

But in, like, a.

[Sam Taggart]

In a way that makes you want to perform even better.

[George Severis]

Is it, like, revving you up?

[Martine]

Yeah, a little. I'm like, what am I gonna. How am I gonna get in there? Yeah, how am I gonna.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Well, there's a tension building.

[Martine]

What did you order? You know?

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that looks good. Oh, I would love to try that.

[Sam Taggart]

This is actually something we can talk about, is the dynamics of talking to a neighboring table at a restaurant.

[George Severis]

I think we should bring in our guest if we're gonna talk about this.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay, let's bring in our guest.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Without further ado, please welcome the multi Hyphenate and recent star of Phantasma's Martine. Hello, Martine. Thank you for joining us.

[Martine]

Was I supposed to say something?

[George Severis]

You don't have to.

[Martine]

Okay. I'm glad you recognized me. Cause it's like a 5050 these days.

[Sam Taggart]

So how are you?

[Martine]

I'm good. I was resisting. I don't want to overshare. This seems to be like a thing.

[Sam Taggart]

It's incredible to come on a podcast. The answer to the question, how are you to be. I don't want to overshare.

[Martine]

I don't. I'd prefer to. Well, sometimes I just get too genuine and I kind of. The other person is kind of. They don't know what they're in for.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, I see, I see, I see.

[Martine]

They're like. I wanted to just go.

[George Severis]

I just wanted to be bored. We don't mind being challenged, just FYI.

[Sam Taggart]

No, not at all.

[Martine]

Okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you find that you get to that genuine place too fast?

[Martine]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of like sit on the edge of kind of intimacy. If it was a ledge, I'm like dangling my little itsy bitsy heels off the edge.

[Sam Taggart]

Some of the tiniest heels I've ever seen.

[Martine]

Really?

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

Like you're lying.

[Sam Taggart]

Wait. And I. And so I can see the cliff,

[George Severis]

I can see the waves crashing on the rocks. And I'm scared. I'm like, is she gonna get that intimate?

[Sam Taggart]

And then if it's.

[George Severis]

That's death.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, that's death. And so then every time someone starts a conversation with you, it's a little tap on your shoulder. But if it's too much, you're following weight.

[Martine]

It's like a real. It's like a push.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Well, that must be really hard.

[Martine]

But I'm gonna. What did I say?

[George Severis]

Good. You said you were good.

[Martine]

I think that's true.

[Sam Taggart]

See, now you're hanging off the ledge. The word good brought you from sitting on the edge to hanging off. Hanging. By one hand, there's like a. Yeah,

[Martine]

there's like an old, you know, twisted tree I'm holding. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

[George Severis]

Oh, so dangerous.

[Sam Taggart]

And it's. I got a chill.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And the fog. You actually can't see the bottom.

[Martine]

No, you can hear.

[Sam Taggart]

You can hear the rocks.

[George Severis]

Oh, and the salt. The salt in the air.

[Sam Taggart]

Yes.

[Martine]

Yeah. Gorgeous. I mean, that's why I look like that. I mean it does really great.

[Sam Taggart]

That's amazing. It's a double edged sword because on the one hand you're. You might die, but on the other hand you look snatched as hell.

[Martine]

Yeah, you. I mean, as you. How else would you want to go?

[George Severis]

Yeah. Yeah. Martine, can I ask a personal question?

[Martine]

I've never seen this show, so how personal are you?

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Okay. I want to know what in your life changed when you messaged me. I'm ready to do a podcast.

[Sam Taggart]

Ooh. Yeah. Because we actually have been trying to get you on for approximately five years.

[George Severis]

And then one day, I got this beautiful message that said, I'm ready to do a podcast. Yeah. And I said this. Something has changed.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah,

[Martine]

it did. It changed. I don't enjoy this.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Martine]

I don't.

[George Severis]

Well, it's a curse.

[Martine]

Yeah. I don't enjoy inhabiting this body and being on Earth, but I have made the best of it.

[George Severis]

Sure.

[Martine]

And I think. And I was on Julio's show again, but this time, everyone. You know, everyone gagged.

[George Severis]

Well, they gagged.

[Martine]

They gagged. And I. And I. And I was told I have to do more press.

[George Severis]

Really?

[Martine]

Yeah, I was told.

[George Severis]

So you were forced by Julio?

[Martine]

I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

[George Severis]

But you don't deny it.

[Martine]

He didn't specifically say that. It was made clear to me that I can't just be this kind of anonymous figure.

[George Severis]

So you're breaking your silence.

[Martine]

Yeah. And you have asked. And I was like, oh, it won't be totally foreign for me to. It's like me stepping into the.

[Sam Taggart]

This is your big debut.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Of press. This is your big press.

[Martine]

Cause you have, like, a lot of listeners, right?

[George Severis]

Oh, well, needless to say, I'm here.

[Martine]

Cause I'm here for that. I'm here for. To. I kind of feel like I have nothing to promote, though.

[Sam Taggart]

That's okay.

[George Severis]

That's okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Most of our guests don't.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

So just to recap. You don't enjoy this. You are doing it because we have a lot of listeners, and you have nothing to promote.

[George Severis]

But you are here to promote Phantasmal.

[Sam Taggart]

And you feel uncomfortable with the question, how are you?

[Martine]

I don't feel uncomfortable. I just. I didn't want to make you listen to something that I might regret saying.

[George Severis]

Of course.

[Sam Taggart]

Of course. The sense that I'm getting is that there is a big secret. Don't you feel there's a big secret and you're afraid that if you speak, you'll spill it?

[George Severis]

You have a secret.

[Sam Taggart]

You have a big secret. Don't deny it.

[Martine]

I. I have a big secret.

[Sam Taggart]

So it's true.

[Martine]

I didn't. I didn't want to say it, but it might even Be two secrets. Oh, yeah. Somehow less dramatic.

[George Severis]

Yeah, I know it is.

[Sam Taggart]

I'm like, okay, how many secrets? Yeah, we all have secrets.

[Martine]

Like, seven secrets.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah. Yeah.

[George Severis]

No, that's really interesting.

[Sam Taggart]

The chic number of secrets to have is one.

[Martine]

It's only one.

[George Severis]

You can only have one secret.

[Sam Taggart]

Also, I would say two is literally the worst number, because at least if you have a hundred secrets, then, okay, you're like.

[George Severis]

You, like, wear a robe and you, like.

[Sam Taggart]

But if you have secrets, if you have two, it's like. Okay, okay. So you're like a politician, and your two secrets are like, you had an affair and you're, like, a bad dad.

[George Severis]

Yeah. And it's like, that's actually not a secret.

[Sam Taggart]

And you took money from oil.

[George Severis]

There we go. That's a better secret. Yeah.

[Martine]

Yeah. You're paying. You're paying for nice hotels.

[Sam Taggart]

Yes, exactly.

[Martine]

You're paying for beautiful dinners.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

So everyone. Yeah. So actually, if you have one big secret, a way to make that better for yourself is to have another secret, and then it will make the first secret less.

[George Severis]

But to be fair, this is sort of how, you know, almost addiction starts, is you're like. Well, it's like, this is how credit card debt works, where you're like, well, I already have a little. Maybe I'll just pay it off. Another credit card.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, my God. What if someone was addicted to secrets?

[Martine]

Collecting them or just having them? Yeah, I. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

[Sam Taggart]

About your secret,

[George Severis]

your two secrets.

[Sam Taggart]

You don't want to talk about your secrets?

[Martine]

That's what I said.

[Sam Taggart]

But you do want people to know you have them.

[Martine]

No.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, so we'll cut that out.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

But this is live.

[George Severis]

Yeah, this is live.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, sorry. Okay, well.

[George Severis]

Yeah. We're coming at you live from Times Square.

[Sam Taggart]

We're coming at you live from Times Square. It's New Year's Eve.

[Martine]

Honestly, this building gives Times square.

[George Severis]

No, totally.

[Sam Taggart]

100%.

[Martine]

There was a hallway that played different hits as you walk through the tunnel of hits.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

That's why I was late.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, you got lost in the tunnel of hits.

[Martine]

Yeah, I just would go forward and go back and go forward and go back, and I got on my phone, and I took some content, and then I was like, I can't post this.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[Martine]

So. But can we go back there? Like, the three of us?

[Sam Taggart]

We definitely are gonna go back there.

[George Severis]

Oh, we're gonna go back and we're gonna get some pics.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

And we're not gonna lose ourselves in it.

[Sam Taggart]

No.

[Martine]

If that's what you want.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, oh. Do you want to lose yourself in the tunnel of hits?

[Martine]

I feel like I can't. I mean, it was. I was like, half an hour late.

[Sam Taggart]

What?

[Martine]

I was like.

[Sam Taggart]

You were half an hour late because you were in the tunnel of hits.

[Martine]

I arrived at. Yeah. I was like, 35 minutes late.

[George Severis]

I want to say something about being 35 minutes late.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Where there was 35 minutes late is actually so significantly late that you get scared and you're like, oh, she's not going to show up. That when you do show up, it's actually a treat. Like, when you got here, I was like. Like there was nothing but, like, joy.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Because it was like, it could have been so much worse.

[Sam Taggart]

Whereas if you were 20 minutes late, we would have been mad. We would have been like.

[Martine]

And 15.

[Sam Taggart]

It's almost like 15 doesn't even count.

[George Severis]

We were 15. Yeah.

[Martine]

Oh, you were 15?

[Sam Taggart]

I was actually 20.

[George Severis]

And let's just say we were mad, though.

[Sam Taggart]

They were mad at me. We did another recording before this, and I was 20 minutes late because of a combination of subway issues and my own timing. And I could feel that they were mad.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And I had to over perform. And I actually think I knocked it out of the park because I think that pressure is what I needed to stick the landing.

[Martine]

Stick the landing.

[Sam Taggart]

Yes. Like a gymnast.

[Martine]

Like, what's a gymnast?

[George Severis]

So you would love them.

[Martine]

Okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah. You would love gymnastics.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And these short little girls.

[George Severis]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Martine]

I do love girls. Yes.

[George Severis]

And they can do anything. Flip, twirl, spin, balance.

[Sam Taggart]

Very strong. Strong, elegant and graceful.

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Sam Taggart]

And they represent our country.

[Martine]

Oh.

[Sam Taggart]

And yeah. Yes. Like liaisons in the United Nations. They're sort of Angelina Jolie figures, if you will.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And they work in teams and also individually, so they celebrate both the communal aspect of American culture and the rigid, individualistic, capitalist nature of American culture.

[George Severis]

It's a beautiful combination, but it comes at a cost because they can only stay so beautiful and strong for so long. So they die out very, very young.

[Sam Taggart]

And as soon as they are 21 years old, they're too old, and people are throwing tomatoes at them saying, old bitch, get off this stage.

[George Severis]

Yeah. I don't want you representing my nation anymore. So it's unethical in that regard, but it's still inspiring nonetheless.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

If you don't look into it, you would really like it.

[Martine]

You both know so much.

[George Severis]

Thank you.

[Sam Taggart]

So anyway, the sticking the landing is when a gymnast does a bunch of flips. You know, it doesn't count if she then, like, falls flat on her ass. She has to stick the landing. She has to land on both her feet.

[Martine]

Right.

[Sam Taggart]

And then do this.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Hands up.

[Martine]

Okay. Hands up.

[George Severis]

To show that she's not a threat.

[Martine]

Right.

[Sam Taggart]

She actually has to land and then do this.

[Martine]

I think I have seen this. Yeah, I think I've seen this.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you like the Olympics?

[Martine]

I've never been.

[Sam Taggart]

Maybe on tv.

[Martine]

I didn't watch this year.

[George Severis]

Yeah, me either.

[Martine]

But I had friends that were there in Paris, and they were telling me how it sucks. They were like, oh, my God, this, like, it ruined the city. And it was like, allegedly that Gaga performance was, like, pre taped. So while it was happening, she wasn't even on the stage.

[George Severis]

Not like us, though. We're alive.

[Martine]

Not like this. Not like this. I'm here. I reached through my face. No. Apparently it was just, like, such a bust with the weather and the. I can't believe they made people swim in the Seine.

[Sam Taggart]

I know, it's crazy. Those people are all gonna grow, like, an extra limb.

[Martine]

Someone got sick. Couldn't even, like, compete.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[Martine]

Because of the, like, Pollution. Pollution.

[Sam Taggart]

Poop.

[George Severis]

Poo. Poo.

[Martine]

Poop.

[Sam Taggart]

How do you say poop?

[George Severis]

It is a poop. It's a poop.

[Martine]

Poop.

[Sam Taggart]

Poop in the Seine.

[Martine]

I don't know how to say poo in French.

[Sam Taggart]

Merde.

[George Severis]

Oh.

[Martine]

Oh, yeah, that's what? Shit. Shit. Yeah, that's my mom's swear when she gets really mad, quietly. Shit.

[George Severis]

Oh, I love. Oh, when you erase the eye.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Shit.

[Martine]

You're like, oh, God.

[George Severis]

She's really.

[Martine]

It's like. Oh, it's bad.

[George Severis]

It's like the key.

[Martine]

It's like, she doesn't have our keys. We're, like, locked out or shit. Shit.

[Sam Taggart]

Is she one of those people that. She would hate me saying that when she's angry rather than louder.

[Martine]

Oh, yeah, no, she's not a yeller.

[Sam Taggart]

She's not interesting.

[Martine]

That's why I'm like this.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you ever raise your voice?

[George Severis]

Would you like to yell at us?

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Yeah, please.

[Martine]

I would love to yell at both of you. Oh, okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, go.

[George Severis]

We're open to it now. Sure.

[Sam Taggart]

Or if you want to surprise us during the episode.

[George Severis]

Oh, that could be fun.

[Martine]

Okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Whenever you feel like yelling at us

[George Severis]

when we say the magic word.

[Sam Taggart]

What do you want? The magic word is poop in the Seine.

[George Severis]

But there's no way we're gonna get back to poop in the Seine.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, okay. So we have to think of a word that we might say.

[George Severis]

Wait, who Are you listeners?

[Martine]

Are they, like, kids? Are they.

[Sam Taggart]

You're really small children?

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

You know what? Also, when you said, like, we're an

[Sam Taggart]

educational show, it feels like small children.

[Martine]

No, it feels like you're teaching me a lot. Yeah.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

And we talk about poop.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

And that's.

[George Severis]

Our first segment, is called the letter B. And in this segment, we say words with the letter B for all our kid listeners.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, that's right. That's right. Yes. Sorry, I forgot. I forgot for a second that that was our first segment. Yeah. Box.

[George Severis]

Berry ball. Ballpark.

[Sam Taggart]

Balloon.

[Martine]

Okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you have any B words?

[Martine]

Boobs.

[Sam Taggart]

Martinez, we're gonna have to cut that.

[Martine]

Breasts.

[Sam Taggart]

Breasts.

[Martine]

Hasn't every child already, like, seen one? Both of them. Really?

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

One to two.

[Martine]

For years.

[George Severis]

True. Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

A year. Oh, I guess. If they breastfed.

[Martine]

Were you breastfed?

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, but not for years. You were not breastfed.

[George Severis]

Okay, judgment.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, I don't know. I just figure, you know, all American Midwest, like, that screams breastfeeding.

[George Severis]

Well, I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. You.

[Sam Taggart]

You don't know if you were breastfed? Sorry, I know I'm. I know I'm attacking you right now, but is it.

[Martine]

How's your immune system?

[George Severis]

Amazing.

[Martine]

Okay, then probably.

[George Severis]

Have you never asked George how his immune system is?

[Sam Taggart]

Terrible. And yet I was breastfed.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

Were you breastfed and how's your immune system?

[Martine]

Mine's okay. And I was breastfed.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

What were you drinking? Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

What the heck?

[George Severis]

Gator agent.

[Sam Taggart]

Wow.

[Martine]

Corn Corn. Milk.

[George Severis]

Corn milk.

[Sam Taggart]

So shocking.

[George Severis]

No, I don't know. I think the real answer is I don't know.

[Sam Taggart]

You don't know?

[George Severis]

I think before I was like, probably not, but then I'm like, well, I guess. I don't know.

[Sam Taggart]

I have a question for you. Why was your assumption no?

[George Severis]

Because it doesn't sound right.

[Sam Taggart]

Because you're like, that's my mom. Why would she be feeding me her breath?

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

This would have been when you were a baby.

[George Severis]

No, I get that, but I think. No, but I don't know.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you? Okay, sorry. I can stop pushing this.

[George Severis]

No, I don't. Should I call her?

[Martine]

Text her, Text her, and then maybe she'll text back.

[Sam Taggart]

It's funny. How do I know? I just know.

[Martine]

I was told.

[Sam Taggart]

I was definitely.

[Martine]

I was told.

[Sam Taggart]

And I feel like there are, like, photos and, like, she also.

[Martine]

There's photos. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen those.

[George Severis]

Yeah. That was where it leaked. My mom, the Internet.

[Sam Taggart]

Me.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

You post them?

[Sam Taggart]

Well, that was my one secret That I was trying to keep. It's that I was breastfed as a child.

[George Severis]

But what's great is that you have a.

[Sam Taggart]

But then it was leaked. It was leaked.

[George Severis]

And now you have another.

[Sam Taggart]

And now I have a new secret that I'll never tell.

[George Severis]

Martine.

[Martine]

I like talking about both of you more.

[George Severis]

Do you.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, do you want to ask us?

[George Severis]

Do you want to interview us?

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, I would actually love that, because, you know, we were saying this before. You look like an interviewer with the gorgeous hair, the mic, and the clock behind you.

[George Severis]

And the clock behind.

[Martine]

Is that in the frame? No, it's not in the frame.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay, well, the listeners will just have to.

[Martine]

How much is in the frame?

[Sam Taggart]

Just your eyes.

[George Severis]

Just notice the close up of your mouth. Like the 212 video. My God.

[Martine]

Gorgeous. Zoom in.

[Sam Taggart]

I would love to be interviewed by Marti. Should we just, like, do our first segment and then how low is it going?

[Martine]

Oh, well. Well, I should be more aware of my posture. I thought it was just my mouth. Yeah.

[George Severis]

I think Martine should ask each of us one interview question, and then we should do our first segment.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. Martine, ask each of us one interview question.

[Martine]

I hurt your stomach.

[Sam Taggart]

I know.

[George Severis]

We're hungry. We're hungry.

[Sam Taggart]

I'm hungry, too.

[Martine]

I didn't eat. That's why I was late.

[Sam Taggart]

Can I say something? You know, it's usually. You usually don't comment if you hear someone's stomach growling, but I actually really appreciate that.

[George Severis]

You did.

[Martine]

Yeah, it was. She's like.

[Sam Taggart]

I think it was a pretty demure growl.

[Martine]

Yeah, she was cute. Well, I didn't prepare for task, either of you questions.

[George Severis]

No, that's true.

[Martine]

I did the homework, though.

[George Severis]

Yeah, you're like, I did the homework.

[Martine]

Straight things.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Yeah, but that's different.

[Sam Taggart]

We'll get to that.

[George Severis]

Yeah, that's different.

[Martine]

That's not the.

[George Severis]

This is sort of the preamble.

[Martine]

Okay. Okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Anything goes.

[Martine]

What were kind of icons growing up that you. Stop laughing.

[George Severis]

I can't help it.

[Martine]

That you.

[George Severis]

It's funny.

[Martine]

Still look up to.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, icons growing up that we still look up to.

[Martine]

Like, as a child. You love them.

[Sam Taggart]

This is so interesting, because I have

[George Severis]

one that I don't. That's funny.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. What is it?

[George Severis]

I remember being, like, reading a book on Lance Armstrong when I was, like, in middle school and being like, damn, this guy is really a good guy.

[Martine]

The bicyclist. Cyclists.

[George Severis]

Cyclist. Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Who it turns out, is bad.

[George Severis]

And then, yeah, he was, like, doping

[Sam Taggart]

and stuff, and he cheated on Sheryl

[George Severis]

Crow and He cheated on Sheryl Crow.

[Martine]

I didn't know he dated Sheryl Crow.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

If it makes you happy. Do you think that song's about him? It's about cycling.

[George Severis]

I think it's about.

[Sam Taggart]

It's about him cycling.

[Martine]

It can't be that bad.

[Sam Taggart]

He's like, that's what inspired him to start doping. Is he heard the song by Sheryl Crowe, if it makes you happy.

[George Severis]

Cause winning really made him happy.

[Sam Taggart]

Actually, it's about doping. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. And he was like, oh, you're right, girl. And then he just kept on doping.

[George Severis]

He's like, time to live my life.

[Sam Taggart]

Time to live strong.

[George Severis]

Enough judgment.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. No one's gonna comment on time to live strong.

[George Severis]

No, that was good.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay, thanks. Jesus Christ. So I guess icons that I liked growing up. I do find it interesting that you said that you still look up to implying that an icon is someone you look up to. Cause I'm wondering.

[George Severis]

Well, I think child has bad taste in icons.

[Sam Taggart]

Cause if my icon was Madonna, does that mean I look up to her? Or I don't wanna be like Madonna, but she is an icon to me.

[Martine]

You don't?

[Sam Taggart]

I don't think so.

[Martine]

At the time, did you though? You mean, like, not knowing?

[George Severis]

But were you inspired by, like, her energy?

[Sam Taggart]

I was inspired by which album? I would say. I mean, she was an icon before this, but I do think American life was really big for me.

[Martine]

So underrated.

[Sam Taggart]

Yes. So underrated was really big for me. It was when I realized that she had an alt sensibility, that she wasn't just a girl next door pop star that also liked, you know, putting a whole bottle of water in her mouth.

[Martine]

Who did what?

[Sam Taggart]

She did that in the sex documentary.

[Martine]

Oh, yeah. When she could show you her. Is that why you wanted to be like her?

[Sam Taggart]

Kinda. Maybe I wanted truth or dare.

[Martine]

You were like, yes, that's me. Honestly, as a child.

[Sam Taggart]

As a child being like, wait, my icon is Madonna in truth or dare, simulating a blowjob on a water bottle.

[Martine]

You understood that that was fashion.

[Sam Taggart]

Yes, exactly.

[Martine]

Wow.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And then American life solidified it. And then now she's still my icon.

[George Severis]

Sure.

[Sam Taggart]

But do I want to be like her?

[Martine]

Well, most icons, they're like ideologies, right?

[Sam Taggart]

Exactly.

[Martine]

That means that they're on a pedestal or there's some kind of.

[Sam Taggart]

What is the Madonna ideology? It's like. It's like live out loud, like you

[George Severis]

are the most important person on earth.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[Martine]

Rebel heart.

[George Severis]

Rebel heart.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Push back when someone Says run, you walk. When someone says walk, you run.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[Martine]

And you can do. You can do everything you want.

[George Severis]

And if you're bad at something that's actually good.

[Sam Taggart]

Mm.

[Martine]

That doesn't matter.

[George Severis]

Yeah, that doesn't matter, because you did it.

[Martine]

Yeah. You did it, Rebel.

[George Severis]

You did the thing.

[Sam Taggart]

Rebel Heart.

[Martine]

Rebel Heart.

[Sam Taggart]

Rebel Heart is actually, like, kind of a huge idea.

[Martine]

Yeah. I carry that with me.

[Sam Taggart]

Rebel Heart.

[Martine]

It's in my bag here. It's over.

[George Severis]

Yeah, it's in my heart. You're carrying your rebel heart in the postal bag? Yeah. That's amazing.

[Martine]

Actually. No, I'm not gonna show. I have to get something digitized. Let's not talk about it, okay.

[George Severis]

There's so much we're not talking about today.

[Martine]

I know I have control issues. It's something that I'm working, and it's why I was like, I'm gonna ask you questions, and it's why it doesn't make me a great actor.

[Sam Taggart]

First of all, you're an incredible actor.

[George Severis]

First of all, you're a damn star.

[Sam Taggart]

But say more about your controls.

[Martine]

Needless to say, I came here for that.

[George Severis]

You remember when you gagged audiences around.

[Sam Taggart]

Audiences around the globe?

[Martine]

See, it's more like. I don't know if that's true. Just cause it's available. I don't think that means people are.

[George Severis]

But everyone's telling you we're gagging.

[Martine]

Well, my friends are, and that's really what matters. I'm like, you watched it. When my crush watches, I'm like, oh, you watched it.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. All right. Here's a question for you. Who is an icon you still look up to.

[Martine]

This wasn't part of an agreement. This wasn't part of. You should have said that when we started this. That you also would ask me my questions.

[Sam Taggart]

I'm sensing a pattern here.

[George Severis]

Yes. I'm sensing a very. You really easily readable pattern.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah. You're very thrown off by surprises. Am I correct in that?

[Martine]

Wow. I mean, is it. Maybe.

[George Severis]

Maybe.

[Martine]

Maybe I have some trauma that I. Ooh, ooh. That's like being

[George Severis]

traumatized.

[Sam Taggart]

And now we have a flashback, and it's a surprise birthday party where Martine walks in the room.

[George Severis]

There's a big surprise. She's like, tears instantly.

[Martine]

No, Honestly, my. Oh, my God. What is it? When you're legally allowed to drink in the States?

[Sam Taggart]

21.

[Martine]

21.

[Sam Taggart]

Your 21st birthday.

[Martine]

My 21st birthday in college, I was so excited to drink. Right. And no one was around. Like, I texted everyone, like, let's go. Like, I Can buy us alcohol. And no one messaged back. Everyone was unavailable, busy or nothing. And so I went to the liquor store and I bought, like, a handle of gin alone. Cause I knew how to make a gin and tonic because that's what my grandmother drinks. And so I'd make those for her. Um, and then I got wasted alone and then got one text from my roommate who brought me to, like, I don't know, above the library. And then all my friends were there with the cake, and they're like, surprise. We didn't forget. But by that point, I was so, like, devastated.

[George Severis]

Oh, my God.

[Martine]

By, like, everyone kind of, like, being unavailable and then drunk. That it kind of. It kind of brought me to, like, a happy medium opposed to, like, the escalation of, like.

[Sam Taggart]

So there literally was literally a surprise birthday trauma, and that's why you're traumatized by surprises. But you're saying it wasn't a trauma because it brought you to a happy place.

[Martine]

Yeah, I feel like that's not. That's such, like, an American trauma. Like, that's so, like, you forgot my birthday.

[George Severis]

Sure, sure.

[Martine]

It's so not. It's so not a. It's actually not drama at all.

[Sam Taggart]

But here's the thing. What if the trauma is that you succumbed to an American trauma?

[George Severis]

Wait, that's genius.

[Martine]

You should write that down.

[George Severis]

Because you were like, I'm above this.

[Sam Taggart]

You said, you're like, I'm above this. I'm not like these stupid Americans. But, oh, my God, I feel trauma because of my surprise birthday party.

[George Severis]

I thought I was an American college,

[Sam Taggart]

but I'm as American as apple pie.

[Martine]

You think I'm like a. You think I give apple pie?

[George Severis]

No, but in that moment, in that moment, I would never, ever say, you give apple pie.

[Sam Taggart]

What dessert would you say Martine gives? Oh, this is interesting. Okay.

[Martine]

Oh, I think I know.

[George Severis]

You know?

[Martine]

Well, what dessert.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. I think you give. I think you will give, like, a sorbet that is a. Like a. More of like a minty flavor.

[George Severis]

You know what I'm getting, don't you think? You know, in, like, in a chocolate commercial, the way they show chocolate like, like doing this. Oh, that's sort of what I think of you as.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, okay. See, to me, it's like, what. It's minimalist.

[George Severis]

Once in a chocolate commercial, you're like the chocolate in a chocolate commercial that's

[Sam Taggart]

being, like, still liquid.

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

It's being shaped confection. You're mid shaped confection chocolate.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

So we're Going opposite directions, you're going in a more like maximalist chocolate waves. Whereas I'm thinking you are giant plate, single scoop of mint sorbet. Get ready. Leaf of mint leaf on the top.

[George Severis]

Wow.

[Martine]

I do love mint. I do love choc. What kind of chocolate?

[Sam Taggart]

Dark.

[George Severis]

Dark.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

I'm definitely. I don't know why, but I'm seeing, like, a spoon. Like, for you, I'm really seeing a spoon. Whatever it is has to be eaten with a spoon.

[Sam Taggart]

You give spoon.

[George Severis]

You're giving spoon, and we're gagging on your spoon.

[Martine]

Big spoon, little spoon.

[Sam Taggart]

You're giving. This is interesting. You're giving little spoon with big spoon energy. So you're the little spoon. That's a top.

[George Severis]

Oh, my God. That's real.

[Sam Taggart]

You're little spooning. You're a power little spoon. Okay, so maybe now I want sorbet.

[George Severis]

I know, I'm right here.

[Sam Taggart]

You should have a new drag character named Sorbet.

[Martine]

Sorbet with the T. I say the T, though.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, yeah.

[George Severis]

Sorbette. Sobet.

[Martine]

Sorbette.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, actually, I like Sorbette with, like, TTE at the end.

[George Severis]

No, that's very cute.

[Sam Taggart]

I'm Sorbette.

[Martine]

Sorbet. Martine. Sorbette.

[George Severis]

Nice to meet you.

[Martine]

Oh, I do need a new last name.

[Sam Taggart]

You think you're going to get a new last name?

[Martine]

Well, I'm going to get married.

[George Severis]

Well, needless to say.

[Sam Taggart]

So then you don't have to worry about what the last name is. It's going to be your or.

[George Severis]

Do you not want to take your.

[Sam Taggart]

Don't want to take your or.

[George Severis]

You just want to make up a new one?

[Martine]

I don't know. It would have to be really good. I'd have to.

[George Severis]

What's an example of a good last name? Not necessarily one for you, but for anyone.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

What makes a last name shine?

[Martine]

I love alliteration.

[George Severis]

Oh, don't even get me started.

[Martine]

Nothing better. And short. Honestly. One to two syllables. Nothing longer than that.

[Sam Taggart]

Mint.

[George Severis]

Oh,

[Sam Taggart]

Martine Mint.

[Martine]

Martine Mint is successful.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

And beloved.

[Martine]

Fresh.

[Sam Taggart]

She's fresh.

[George Severis]

She's fresh. Beloved.

[Sam Taggart]

You smell her breath before you see her, and it's minty fresh.

[George Severis]

When you hear that Martine Mint is coming to town, you're like, oh, my God, that's amazing.

[Sam Taggart]

I haven't seen her since Barcelona.

[George Severis]

Oh, my God. We should catch up.

[Martine]

Martine Mint. I would go to Spain. Yeah, I would go to Spain.

[George Severis]

Well, that's amazing.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, Martin Mint has a place in Spain.

[Martine]

Espana.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Should we do our first segment?

[Sam Taggart]

Sure. Hi, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Are you looking for a beach read this summer? May I suggest your big wireless bill? It's got suspense, mystery, a slightly flat emotional arc, and a shocking twist where you realize you've been overpaying for the entire time. Fortunately, though, Mint's story is better. Every plan $15 a month, even unlimited. That's it. Happy ending, zero tears. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment

[Martine]

of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 or 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees Extra initial plan term only greater than 50gb. Me slow when network is busy. See Terms. This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea. Every week the news gets worse, the world gets crazier, and Yamanika is here to tell whoever's responsible, you're the problem. If you come over here to play games, I'mma check you.

[George Severis]

Okay?

[Martine]

If you do some in the news that don't sound good, I' ma play you. Join Yamaneka Saunders as she breaks down the week's most problematic stories on her new podcast. You're the Problem with Yamaneika.

[George Severis]

Do you know I just found out who Sydney Sweeney was.

[Martine]

New episodes weekly every Wednesday as part of my new network, the Dear Chelsea Network. If he got a bunch of women, then I should have a bunch of men do better or do less so I don't have to do so much. So join Yamaneeka each episode as she answers one question.

[George Severis]

Who's the problem?

[Martine]

I'm Yamaneika and I'm out. Listen to youo're the Problem with Yamanika on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Sam Taggart]

Hey, Portlandia fans.

[Martine]

Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen here, you know us.

[George Severis]

Or rather, you know them. Tony and Candace N and Lance, Spike and yes, the chicken.

[Martine]

We've played a lot of iconic characters over the years, but today we're showing up as ourselves to tell you about AO Rewatch, our brand new podcast.

[Sam Taggart]

Each week we'll revisit an episode of Portlandia from the very beginning, breaking down the sketches, exploring the backstories of our most iconic characters, revisiting the Portland locations you know and love, and opening up about our creative process.

[Martine]

How did any of this get made? Why do we think that was a good idea? We're ready to talk about it.

[George Severis]

And we'll also be joined by the

[Sam Taggart]

people who helped bring it all to

[George Severis]

life, guest stars, collaborators and friends, including director Jonathan Krisel the mayor himself, Kyle McLaughlin, legendary musician Amy Mann, and many more.

[Martine]

Kyle is going for it. Here you fully improvised, not just words, but a song.

[George Severis]

Well, I thought he was gonna write.

[Sam Taggart]

I thought you were all gonna write a song.

[Martine]

I remember you thinking that.

[George Severis]

Listen to Podlandia AO rewatch on the

[Sam Taggart]

iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey. This is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements.

[George Severis]

We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook every episode. We're trying to help our guests improve

[Sam Taggart]

their careers by mainly focusing on how they can help us improve our careers.

[George Severis]

The show is famously super accessible, so

[Sam Taggart]

you can easily jump into any of our 650 episodes and under understand what's going on. We recommend some of our recent episodes with Ben Stiller. The definition of what is a movie has kind of changed anyway, too, right? What do you think it is now? It's images and words being spoken, captured by some sort of technology. Danny McBride.

[George Severis]

Oh, that's fantastic.

[Sam Taggart]

And you make it on. You make your own.

[George Severis]

That's great.

[Sam Taggart]

I call him Tarot Reed. It's a good name. They're all named after cast members of American Pie. Yeah, I call. I don't. I never looked up if she was in this, but I call him Leechy Sobieski.

[George Severis]

Yeah, I don't think she was an

[Sam Taggart]

American Pie, but I haven't looked it up.

[George Severis]

Haven't looked it up. She was prominent.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Then Mary Steenburgen.

[Martine]

Why are you guys talking to me like I'm so down to me that you think I don't understand your little play? Play.

[Sam Taggart]

I just really.

[George Severis]

I get it.

[Sam Taggart]

Trying to set you up for success. Listen to Hollywood handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[George Severis]

Martine, I. I'm.

[Martine]

Does that make you nervous?

[George Severis]

Yeah. Well, yes.

[Martine]

Is this in the shot?

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

This is a video.

[George Severis]

This is a. This is a piece. And if you think we're uncomfortable with silence, you're dead wrong. We actually love this stuff.

[Sam Taggart]

Burger. Burger.

[Martine]

That's my stomach.

[Sam Taggart]

Wow. Hi, everyone. This is George. I'm in the process of editing the episode, and at this stage, I feel the need to provide some context for those listening audio only and not getting the full video content. So basically what just happened is Martinez, very slowly and intentionally picked up a glass of water and took a sip of water. And this is our reaction to that. That was a beautiful piece.

[George Severis]

Thank you for that, Martine.

[Martine]

I work in the MoMA.

[Sam Taggart]

Martine Mint's famous piece Sip, Sip.

[Martine]

Sip. Wow.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, Sip changed the game. I remember where I was when I first saw sip.

[George Severis]

Well, that's because we were both across from Martine, actually.

[Sam Taggart]

That's right. Yes.

[Martine]

Yeah. There's like, pre and post SIP politically.

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

She premiered it in Copenhagen, but in an empty room, so no one saw it.

[George Severis]

No one witnessed it.

[Sam Taggart]

It was just you in an empty

[Martine]

room, and you're just about being seen. It's about a feeling.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah. Sipping.

[Martine]

Yeah, it's about sipping.

[Sam Taggart]

People always ask Martine, you know, what is SIP about? And she's always been very adamant about this. It's about sipping. And people say, no. It's about globalization.

[George Severis]

It's about commercialism.

[Sam Taggart]

It's about global flow of capital.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Neoliberal systems of waste management.

[George Severis]

Yes.

[Sam Taggart]

But you have a very rigorously formalist approach. You say it is quite simply about the sip.

[Martine]

I mean, I haven't spoken about it really. Oh, ever. I've never really.

[George Severis]

Would you like to speak on it now?

[Martine]

No, that's not really what the work is about. It's about your. What you bring to it, your perception.

[George Severis]

Wow.

[Sam Taggart]

I guess it's each. Each person has a different relationship to Sipping.

[George Severis]

That's true for me. It's about childhood, in a sense, of

[Sam Taggart]

course, and the loss of it, needless

[George Severis]

to say, because when you were a child, you sip with a straw.

[Sam Taggart]

You know, when you were a child, you don't know if you were breastfed. And so I think maybe what it's bringing up for you is that, you know, you were sipping something I want you to remember, but you don't know from what or how, and you're afraid to know.

[George Severis]

Well, I'm afraid to send a text to my mom that says, was I breastfeeding?

[Martine]

Text her, text her. I can text her, text her. Do you want to give me.

[George Severis]

Hey, it's Martine from Fantastic.

[Martine]

I have. So I am like, oh, my God. I'm always texting people that I shouldn't be. Like, people that help on projects that. It's like, how do you even have her number? Like, if there was someone who was supposed to get me here today and I had their number, I would be texting them when I leave, like, hey, this is Martine from. From the radio. And they'd probably be like, yeah. Or they usually. They don't respond.

[Sam Taggart]

Ugh.

[George Severis]

How does that make you feel?

[Martine]

Makes me feel like I tried.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

The person in charge makes me feel like a rebel heart doesn't respond.

[George Severis]

A misunderstood rebel heart.

[Martine]

It's like production, especially if they're cute. I'm always Blurring the lines.

[George Severis]

When someone's holding a boom mic, it's really hard for me not to find them really hot.

[Martine]

Really?

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

Is it. Cause it's a posture thing or.

[George Severis]

It's a posture. It's a type. The type of man that would hold a boom mic for a really long time. I'm so strong, resilient, so resilient, so supportive. And plus, sometimes a shirt goes up.

[Martine]

Oh, my God. I was gonna say it's usually ass or belly button. It's like crack or belly, but is one or the other.

[George Severis]

And I'm like, I'll take both.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

But I never crossed the line.

[Martine]

Not yet.

[George Severis]

That's what everyone says.

[Martine]

Not yet. TikTok. TikTok. I think tomorrow. I think tomorrow's gonna be the day.

[Sam Taggart]

What's tomorrow?

[George Severis]

I don't know, but Martine has a feeling.

[Martine]

Oh. I mean, aren't you doing that big boom project tomorrow?

[George Severis]

Yeah, I'm doing my show, Night of a Thousand Booms.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, my God.

[George Severis]

Yeah, I'm auditioning. I'm sort of trying to make boom mic holders get a chance in the spotlight. So I booked the bellhouse, and we're having eight minute sets. People come out and hold the boom mic. It's gonna be awesome.

[Sam Taggart]

Interestingly, the people holding the actual boom mics necessary for the event are all weak gay guys.

[George Severis]

So it's to sort of flip the script.

[Sam Taggart]

It's to flip the script. We have these strong, burly men on stage. They're holding fake boom mics. And then little twinkie gay guys are, like, holding the boom mics from that's

[Martine]

Kind of My Time.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, gay guys.

[Martine]

Oh, my God. I love. I love twinks.

[George Severis]

Really?

[Sam Taggart]

Really.

[George Severis]

Do you feel sexually. Great question. Or just as pets?

[Martine]

Yeah, just to have furniture. Cars. Yeah. Plants. No, I like them as objects.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, of course.

[Martine]

I like to objectify them.

[George Severis]

Wow.

[Sam Taggart]

They make it easy.

[Martine]

Yeah, they're, like asking. They're just begging for it.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

This is like the little power spoon energy.

[Sam Taggart]

Totally what you're doing now. Little spoon, little tops, power. A little spoon power.

[George Severis]

A little spoon power.

[Martine]

A little spoon. Is that. Does that make it? What is a twink in that?

[Sam Taggart]

If you're domming a twink, they're like a butter knife. Yes.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Don't think too hard about it. It's like sip.

[George Severis]

They're a salad fork.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, they're a salad fork.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Okay, Martine, truth or dare?

[Martine]

Oh, you know it's gonna be dare.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Martine]

Okay. I can't tell you anything.

[George Severis]

I dare you to lick Your notebook. This was on the.

[Martine]

This was on the train.

[George Severis]

That's right.

[Martine]

Everyone's watching. Just everyone knows it at home. Everyone's watching.

[George Severis]

The tension is coming.

[Martine]

I don't want to do it.

[George Severis]

Okay, okay. And yet she's still holding it. Oh, my God, you're bad.

[Martine]

Ew. That was nasty.

[George Severis]

But it was very rebel heart.

[Sam Taggart]

That was very rebel heart.

[Martine]

No, she wouldn't have done it.

[Sam Taggart]

She would have pushed back Madonna.

[Martine]

Yeah. No one can tell her what to do.

[Sam Taggart]

Well,

[George Severis]

doesn't famously she do it? I hate to fact check this, but

[Sam Taggart]

of course the scene is that someone does it.

[George Severis]

She does do it, and she does it.

[Martine]

You're right. No, you're right. Okay. You're right. I am sorry.

[Sam Taggart]

Can I ask you a question? Of the two works you've shown Sip and Licking the Notebook, which one?

[Martine]

Lick.

[George Severis]

Lick. Sip and Lick.

[Sam Taggart]

Sip and Lick. Do you think sip or Lick more kind of like encapsulates who you are as an artist? If you were to pick one work to put in the big Biennale.

[Martine]

In the big Biennale.

[Sam Taggart]

In the Big Biennale.

[Martine]

That's not the lip one.

[Sam Taggart]

In the Big Biennale, would you do Siph Lick? Yes.

[Martine]

Okay. I think I. I've been trying to get out of this box ever since I was born. So I would say nothing can encapsulate moi.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, so you wouldn't pick either. You'd say, I'm not gonna participate in the big Biennale.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

I'm not gonna go, wow.

[Sam Taggart]

To be asked to participate in the Biennale.

[George Severis]

In the Big Biennale, of course, we would all say no to the small Biennale.

[Sam Taggart]

Of course. Well, yes, I can't be contained in that box.

[George Severis]

But the very reputable.

[Sam Taggart]

That's sort of my approach to my career is I'm not gonna be put in a little box. Slightly bigger one.

[George Severis]

Of course. Put me in. When's the move in date?

[Sam Taggart]

Put me in coach. Wow.

[George Severis]

Should we do this first?

[Sam Taggart]

Should we do our first segment? Okay, so, Martine, our first. And then after that, we'll get into the Straight topic. So your homework is gonna pay off.

[Martine]

I know. I'm just aching.

[Sam Taggart]

I really can't believe that Sip and Lick are both not gonna be in the big Biennale.

[George Severis]

I mean, I think that's what makes Martine such an interesting artist.

[Sam Taggart]

You are one of the most, if not the most interesting artists I've ever met in my life. The first segment is called Straight Shooters. In this segment, we test your familiarity with and complicity in straight culture by text.

[Martine]

Your mom.

[George Severis]

I'm not gonna do that.

[Martine]

I see you Texting someone.

[George Severis]

I'm looking up.

[Sam Taggart]

No, no, we're looking. We're finding our list. So here's the thing, Martine. We're gonna ask you a series of rapid fire questions. You have to choose this thing or this other thing. Don't think about it hard at all. Just whatever your mind gravitates towards.

[Martine]

I'm already nervous. I'm nervous

[Sam Taggart]

and that's it. And the one rule is you can't ask any follow up questions about how

[George Severis]

the game works or we'll get really, really upset.

[Martine]

Martine, I want to see you upset.

[George Severis]

Whatever.

[Sam Taggart]

Mumblecore or Dumbledore.

[Martine]

Dumbledore.

[George Severis]

Okay. Democracy is under attack. Or damn, Stacy, your mom's a snack.

[Martine]

Sorry, I already. I'm not doing it right.

[George Severis]

There is no right.

[Martine]

I'm thinking too much.

[Sam Taggart]

It's okay to think.

[Martine]

Democracy.

[George Severis]

Wow.

[Martine]

Is under attack.

[Sam Taggart]

I got the job. Or a fuck ass Bob.

[Martine]

I really want a Bob.

[George Severis]

Okay. Looking expensive or smelling reprehensive.

[Martine]

Looking expensive.

[Sam Taggart]

Object permanence, Abject carelessness or Ultrecht in the Netherlands.

[Martine]

That one's a. That one's a doozy. I heard Olaplex.

[Sam Taggart]

Olaplex. Final answer. Next question.

[George Severis]

Okay. Choo Choo Train or Doo Doo Stain.

[Sam Taggart]

Ooh,

[Martine]

this is a good show. What was the first one?

[George Severis]

Choo Choo train.

[Martine]

Choo Choo Train.

[George Severis]

Do you want me to repeat the second one?

[Martine]

No.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Sam Taggart]

Girl. So confusing. Remix featuring Lord Or Brr. It's so freezing it's gonna break the record.

[Martine]

I like Lord.

[Sam Taggart]

Period.

[George Severis]

Period. Okay. Do re mi FA so la ti do. Or did you watch I saw the TV glow?

[Martine]

Do re FA do re mi FA so latido Love it.

[George Severis]

Beautiful.

[Martine]

Can you sing?

[George Severis]

Not well.

[Sam Taggart]

Right? But I try.

[Martine]

I. No, no, no.

[George Severis]

That sounds like someone who can sing. I think you can when someone's like no.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, no. Yeah.

[George Severis]

That's so singer.

[Sam Taggart]

Your thought is like you want to say yes because you know you can, but then you're like, well, they're gonna ask me to sing it.

[Martine]

It's so embarrassing. Singing is like, maybe one of the most embarrassing things you can.

[George Severis]

Should we all do it?

[Sam Taggart]

But do you secretly think you should have been a pop star?

[Martine]

Yes.

[George Severis]

Well, not so secret.

[Sam Taggart]

Is that the big secret? Oh, my God. Secrets reveal.

[Martine]

You can't talk about this.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, okay, Sorry, sorry. I know the ones.

[George Severis]

I mean, I'm familiar with Martine's whole oeuvre.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, of course. We all are.

[George Severis]

I mean, I've seen the music videos.

[Sam Taggart]

I have not seen the music videos.

[Martine]

I Took them down. I tried to take them down. At least there's some I can't take down.

[George Severis]

But you're lucky I'm one of the few.

[Martine]

Everyone's gonna have to wait till it comes out of the Vault to see those. Martin Vault, the retrospective.

[Sam Taggart]

What about that as a last name? Martine Valt.

[Martine]

Martin Vault.

[George Severis]

Wow, that sounds really wealthy.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah. I love Martine Valt.

[George Severis]

Martine Valt is much more serious than Martine Mint.

[Sam Taggart]

Martine Mint introduces herself. Martine Valt doesn't even introduce.

[George Severis]

You'd know when she's.

[Sam Taggart]

She walks in and you know that that's Madame Vault.

[George Severis]

Madam Vault is locked in the Vault.

[Martine]

There's Swiss citizenship involved, yes?

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

Well, it's in Vault.

[George Severis]

Beautiful imagery because of how much is locked away. How many secrets are hidden in there.

[Martine]

That is gorgeous.

[Sam Taggart]

She has not spoken once until she writes her big memoir at the age of 87 called Unlocking the Vault.

[Martine]

Dissolving.

[Sam Taggart]

Dissolving.

[George Severis]

Dissolving.

[Martine]

Dissolving the Vault. Dissolving.

[Sam Taggart]

Wow. To mix metaphors like that is so

[George Severis]

Martin Vault can never.

[Sam Taggart]

To have the metaphor. Locked and ready. Locked, locked and loaded. But then instead of just saying, like, unlocking, opening to go. Dissolving the Vault.

[George Severis]

Dissolving the Vault.

[Sam Taggart]

That is the routine Vault. And that is, I would say, even more. Even more subversive than Sip or Lick is naming the book Dissolving the Vault.

[George Severis]

You said you're uncomfortable.

[Sam Taggart]

You're uncomfortable.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Say more.

[George Severis]

Let's explore that.

[Martine]

I don't think I'm used to people like talking about me this much.

[George Severis]

Really?

[Martine]

In front of me?

[Sam Taggart]

Sure, yeah. We do that.

[George Severis]

And yet I feel like you're the toast of the town. You know what I mean?

[Sam Taggart]

You're gaining power as we're talking about you, and I can sense it.

[George Severis]

I think what you should do with the power is, you know, just wield it as ethically as you can.

[Martine]

Right.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

Maybe open up a school.

[Martine]

The Vault School.

[George Severis]

The Vault for Girls.

[Martine]

For Dolls.

[George Severis]

For Dolls. The Vault School for Dolls. It does sound like you're locking them away, unfortunately. The Vault School for Dolls.

[Martine]

Yeah, there's. We have to keep the dolls safe. Lock them away.

[George Severis]

We're doing this for your own good

[Martine]

before the government does.

[Sam Taggart]

Martine Vault has not spoken once in her life. But then suddenly, she opens the Vault School for Dolls and publishes her memoir, Dissolving the Vault. And then she's disappeared again forever. Okay, Martine, I do. I know you have your homework prepared. And I know we've edged you now for 45 minutes. So I think it's time we want to know what straight topic have you brought and what makes it straight.

[Martine]

Okay.

[George Severis]

And it's. Yeah. And before, you almost said something like straight topic. So if there's plural, that's fine.

[Sam Taggart]

That's totally fine. It's so up to you.

[George Severis]

Yeah. We don't really have rules here.

[Martine]

Fun. I mean, it felt like you had rules when I. When I came in.

[George Severis]

Oh. Oh, like what?

[Martine]

Take your shoes off? Wash your hands? You made me change my pants.

[George Severis]

Yeah, they weren't up to code.

[Martine]

They weren't small enough.

[George Severis]

They didn't have enough reflective tape.

[Martine]

You wanted Velcro.

[George Severis]

We have to be able to see you at all times.

[Sam Taggart]

We require all our guests to be in head to toe Velcro.

[George Severis]

Yeah. You're stuck to that chair until someone unpeels you. Anyway, the show's over.

[Sam Taggart]

Let's come down, unpeel the guests, get unhooked.

[Martine]

Unhook her.

[Sam Taggart]

Unhook her.

[Martine]

I'm. I feel like I got the assignment wrong.

[George Severis]

That's okay. How did you interpret it?

[Martine]

Wrong. Like straight things.

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Martine]

And I'm. Rulers.

[Sam Taggart]

Perfect.

[George Severis]

Okay.

[Martine]

Grids.

[Sam Taggart]

Perfect.

[George Severis]

So you mean like straight lines?

[Martine]

Columns. Stripes. Knives.

[George Severis]

Knives have curves.

[Martine]

Nails.

[George Severis]

Nails.

[Sam Taggart]

Human nails. Or. Or a nail that you hit.

[Martine]

Graph paper. All straight lines. That's what I. Oh, but you meant

[George Severis]

sexuality wise, like homosexual. Heterosexual.

[Martine]

Heterosexual.

[George Severis]

Like colloquial. Also known as straight.

[Martine]

Why would you expect me to know anything about that,

[Sam Taggart]

Sam?

[George Severis]

Well, through your years of study, of course.

[Martine]

Yeah, right.

[Sam Taggart]

I did hear you. It is fascinating wanting a husband to take his last name. That seems very straightforward.

[Martine]

I said married.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, that's right.

[Martine]

I said I would get married.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh. But it could be a man or a woman or a. Yeah.

[Martine]

Echo to that.

[Sam Taggart]

Anyone? It could be who? What?

[Martine]

It could be who, what, where, when, why? It could be they.

[Sam Taggart]

It could be them.

[George Severis]

Them, sure.

[Martine]

It could be. Woof.

[George Severis]

Oh, bark.

[Martine]

No.

[Sam Taggart]

Gobble, gobble, gobble, gob. An interspecies relationship.

[Martine]

I'm open to furries. I'm open to. I'm just kind of open.

[George Severis]

Totally.

[Sam Taggart]

Did I assume husband without it ever being mentioned? Yes.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Wow. Talk about straight.

[Martine]

I know. Are you both straight?

[George Severis]

No. We're lgbtq.

[Sam Taggart]

We're lgbtq. Do you know about that?

[Martine]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

You have some friends?

[Martine]

My mom's lgbtq.

[George Severis]

Oh.

[Martine]

I'm half.

[George Severis]

That's awesome. Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, it only counts if it's your mom's side.

[Martine]

It only counts.

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

It gets transferred through the mom.

[Martine]

Oh. Through the breast milk.

[Sam Taggart]

Through the breast Milk. But if you weren't breastfed, then I guess you don't know.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

Then you're probably heterosexual.

[George Severis]

Well, so maybe some of the breast milk, like, leaked into the water supply.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, how would that happen?

[George Severis]

Through sewer systems.

[Martine]

Right.

[George Severis]

So, Martin, you've brought forth rulers.

[Sam Taggart]

Rulers, grids, graph paper, stripes, knives. Now, a knife is interesting. It's not.

[George Severis]

Let's explore that. What about knife read as physically straight to you? Yeah, because to me, because there is a straight side, but there's also the curved side.

[Martine]

I don't really think of many knives being like curved.

[George Severis]

Well, that seems like erasure on your.

[Sam Taggart]

You think knives are just one straight line.

[Martine]

If you think about a knife, you're

[George Severis]

thinking of a skewer.

[Martine]

Oh, maybe.

[George Severis]

Or perhaps a spear.

[Martine]

A spear. Arrow, maybe.

[George Severis]

I'm thinking of an arrow.

[Sam Taggart]

I would say a sword is more straight than a sword.

[Martine]

A sword?

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, because both sides are, you know.

[George Severis]

Well, not all, but not all swords, of course.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, of course.

[George Severis]

Many swords have a curve.

[Martine]

Yeah, you're right. I was thinking of, like, a switchblade, and it's like.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, I see. Not like an eating knife. Not like a steak knife.

[Martine]

I was thinking about the knives I have around the house.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Switchblades.

[Martine]

Yeah, all the switchblades I have around the house.

[George Severis]

Yeah. I remember when you had us all over for steak one night, and when you brought out the steak knives, they were just switchblades. I thought that was really cool. It was so New York.

[Martine]

Yeah. I've never been to my house.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh,

[Martine]

I'm gonna go. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

[George Severis]

No, don't apologize.

[Sam Taggart]

Are there you. I'm seeing you look more. Are there more?

[Martine]

I did. They're wrong. I crossed them out.

[George Severis]

Poles.

[Martine]

I crossed out poles. I crossed out runways.

[George Severis]

Runways are very. Well, not always.

[Martine]

Yeah, I know. Oh.

[Sam Taggart]

Cause runways can bend. Can. Huh?

[George Severis]

Huh?

[Martine]

Drat.

[George Severis]

Dang.

[Martine]

I have dated men. Straight men.

[George Severis]

Do you like it?

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah. Do you like it?

[Martine]

Yeah. It's just different.

[George Severis]

Sure.

[Sam Taggart]

Than women.

[Martine]

Than women. And twinks.

[George Severis]

And twinks.

[Martine]

And furries.

[George Severis]

And furries. Have you dated a furry?

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

How was that?

[Martine]

Really fun. Really sweet. It was hard. They didn't want to leave the house.

[Sam Taggart]

Right. Of course. Were they outdoor trained?

[Martine]

No, they. It's like at home, it was. It was like a double life. It was like living with a spy or something. It's like at home they could be themselves and, you know, covered in fur. And then it just. I don't know, they're worried about the. Being judged or something.

[Sam Taggart]

How would you rank from gay to straight. Men, women, twinks, furries.

[Martine]

I wouldn't. I just wouldn't do that.

[Sam Taggart]

That's fair.

[Martine]

What is all this? Measuring? Oh, did I say ruler?

[George Severis]

Yes. That was the first one you said. Yeah. I'm feeling traumatized.

[Sam Taggart]

Like, surprise birthday style.

[Martine]

Because you're reflecting on yourself.

[Sam Taggart]

Can I ask you personhood?

[Martine]

Oh, are we.

[Sam Taggart]

How do you think we've been as hosts during this episode?

[Martine]

Another measurement. Surprise.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you think we're obsessed with measuring?

[Martine]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

Wow. I guess it's true.

[George Severis]

We are. But I don't consider it measuring. I consider it reflection.

[Sam Taggart]

Reflection.

[Martine]

Oh, reflection.

[George Severis]

Cause I'm not looking for a number. I'm not looking between 1 and 10. I'm looking for a feeling.

[Sam Taggart]

You're turned off by our lack of self possession. We are like that furry that's not able to go to the grocery store.

[George Severis]

You think we don't have rebel heart anymore?

[Sam Taggart]

We don't think we don't have rebel hearts. You think we don't have rebel hearts? We know we have rebel hearts.

[George Severis]

Did you hear how comfortable we were with the silence?

[Sam Taggart]

We're so rebel heart. I see what's going on here.

[George Severis]

You walk in here, you came in

[Sam Taggart]

here on our podcast, and you're thinking,

[George Severis]

oh, God, these guys don't dream. These guys are so hard.

[Sam Taggart]

They don't even have rebel hearts. They don't even know what it means.

[George Severis]

Oh, they were like, ugh, they're doing a podcast on straight culture. They don't have herbal heart.

[Sam Taggart]

They don't have herbal hearts.

[George Severis]

I'll show them.

[Sam Taggart]

I'll show them. I'll bring in avant garde topics that are straight literally instead of straight figuratively. And they won't even know what to do.

[George Severis]

And they'll have to eat their damn cats.

[Sam Taggart]

I'll do sip and I'll do lick, and they'll have some stupid bullshit to say about it because I don't even get the point of my art. And now here they are asking me how they did. You want to know how you did? You did poorly. I'm Martin Vault, and this has been straight over. Is that what you want to say?

[George Severis]

Is that what you want to say?

[Martine]

It sounds really stressful when you say it like that.

[George Severis]

This could be an amazing opportunity, actually, to do that. Yell.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, yeah. Do you want to yell at us?

[Martine]

No, I don't. Ugh.

[George Severis]

What can we do to make you yell at us?

[Sam Taggart]

It's even more rude to not do it at this point.

[Martine]

Well, usually people pay me to yell at them.

[Sam Taggart]

Oh, yeah, we don't know, like in

[George Severis]

like a sex way or.

[Martine]

This is just an exchanging of hands. Oh, doesn't have to be money. Could be diamonds.

[George Severis]

I have a granola bar in my bag.

[Martine]

Do you have any diamonds? What kind of watch is that?

[George Severis]

I knew not to wear any jewelry.

[Sam Taggart]

Martin Valt only gets paid in diamonds.

[Martine]

Yes. Some kind of conflict diamond.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you have any conflict diamonds?

[Martine]

No, I don't usually wear jewelry.

[Sam Taggart]

I am noticing.

[George Severis]

Oh, is that true? Wow. Wow.

[Martine]

No.

[Sam Taggart]

Is it because you just want to

[Martine]

let you have a metal detector? When I came in and they made me take everything off in the hallway.

[Sam Taggart]

In the tunnel of Hits.

[Martine]

In the tunnel of Hits, there's a big.

[George Severis]

What if I did this style of riffing? No, we didn't. No, we didn't.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you find that jewelry would take attention away? You do? Great.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

It would take attention away from.

[George Severis]

From the work.

[Sam Taggart]

Innate. From the work.

[Martine]

From the work. Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

From sip and from sip and lick.

[Martine]

It's like, let's focus on the work.

[George Severis]

Yeah. Yeah. That's powerful because a lot of these artists today, they come.

[Sam Taggart]

No, they're going to the big. They're going to the big Biennale. Literally bracelets head to toe.

[George Severis]

Yeah. They're wearing just bracelets.

[Sam Taggart]

Just bracelets of various.

[Martine]

Bracelets everywhere.

[Sam Taggart]

Bracelets everywhere.

[Martine]

Yeah.

[George Severis]

God, but I do love a bracelet dress.

[Sam Taggart]

Of course, I love a bracelet dress.

[George Severis]

I can't help it.

[Sam Taggart]

I know.

[Martine]

Paco Rabanne. Sorry?

[George Severis]

Rabanne.

[Sam Taggart]

Of course. Yes. No, I love a bracelet dress.

[George Severis]

And we're back. So this has been George.

[Martine]

This has been George.

[Sam Taggart]

This has been George.

[George Severis]

This has been George. How are you feeling?

[Sam Taggart]

I am feeling actually so relaxed.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And when I realized that I was being power little spooned, I said, finally, I can relax because I no longer have to carry. I no longer have to lead this conversation. I can just observe a master, a mistress at work. And as a longtime fan, you know, people often ask me, what icons do I still look up to? And to me, I think it goes back to Martine Vault.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

I think her early work was instrumental in my coming out and in my wanting to pursue the arts. And then I think her 30 year absence was when I grew as an artist. And now that she's back with the memoir and of course, the Vault School for Dolls, I think it has empowered me to be more of a rebel heart too.

[George Severis]

Wow.

[Sam Taggart]

How about you?

[George Severis]

Hmm. I wish I had such clarity, you know?

[Sam Taggart]

You know, a lot of people do, but a few of us do.

[Martine]

Welcome to the Vault.

[George Severis]

Yeah. I'm feeling like I'M in the Vault, but it's not like a sort of fancy vault. I'm in a vault that's like cobwebs and old books.

[Sam Taggart]

You think so?

[George Severis]

And I'm a little like, get me out of here.

[Martine]

Well, how long does this go? We could go. We could go anywhere.

[George Severis]

This is a.

[Martine]

We're in New York.

[Sam Taggart]

The biggest vault of all.

[George Severis]

Well, I think we should step out into Times Square and take this city by storm.

[Martine]

And get lunch.

[Sam Taggart]

And get lunch. Yeah.

[Martine]

I'm hungry.

[George Severis]

No, same.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, well, it is lunchtime.

[George Severis]

That's true.

[Sam Taggart]

They don't tell you that at the Vault.

[Martine]

I have something to tell you when we leave.

[Sam Taggart]

Lunch.

[George Severis]

Can you say it now?

[Martine]

No. No.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. Well, before we go to lunch, should we do our final segment at the Vault? Yes, Martine Madam Vault. Our final segment is called shout Outs.

[Martine]

Oh.

[Sam Taggart]

Now, in this segment, we pay homage to the great straight tradition of the radio shout out. So think about, like, shouting out to your squad back home. You're on the radio, you're giving a shout out to something you like.

[Martine]

My town doesn't have any radios.

[George Severis]

Your town? New York.

[Sam Taggart]

The Vault.

[Martine]

Yeah. My old town. New York. This old town.

[Sam Taggart]

That's Gaga and Joker. This old town. Oh, my God.

[Martine]

Did you see that?

[Sam Taggart]

No.

[Martine]

Oh.

[George Severis]

But we can still infer.

[Sam Taggart]

Did you?

[Martine]

I did.

[George Severis]

What'd you think?

[Martine]

I have a lot of opinions about it.

[Sam Taggart]

We'll talk about them at lunch.

[Martine]

We'll talk about them at lunch.

[George Severis]

God forbid we share it now.

[Martine]

Come to lunch for that other. For the other show.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, that.

[Martine]

You were.

[George Severis]

Luncheo Lab.

[Sam Taggart]

Luncheolab where we talk all things.

[George Severis]

Lunch.

[Martine]

We get our lunch on. I.

[Sam Taggart]

We'll do our shout outs first so you can see how it works.

[George Severis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Martine]

Am I afraid to get it wrong? Is that. What am I like?

[George Severis]

I could not see that being at all possible.

[Sam Taggart]

I don't think so.

[Martine]

Okay, good.

[Sam Taggart]

No, you just have to channel your inner vault and channel Channer.

[Martine]

Your inner Channer Tatum.

[George Severis]

Channer Tatum.

[Sam Taggart]

It's like the Goosebumps. Channer Tanner.

[Martine]

I don't know that.

[Sam Taggart]

Yeah, well, it was before your time.

[George Severis]

They don't have radio in your town.

[Martine]

They don't.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. Sam, do you have one?

[George Severis]

Um, I can do one. Yeah, you go for it.

[Sam Taggart]

Okay. I might. I might lean into the vault of it all.

[George Severis]

I'm into the vault of it.

[Sam Taggart]

More vault. Heavy shout out. Good evening, Vault residents. I want to give a shout out to Siggy's yogurt. You know, for the longest time, I have been a Faye Greek yogurt girl. I have said I'm going to support my culture, Greek culture, and support a Greek owned company, Faye. But recently I rediscovered Siggy's Icelandic yogurt and specifically the acai and berry flavor. We're talking 15 grams of protein per cup, mama. And I am having one every day before I leave the house. It is delicious, it is custardy, it is the exact right texture and consistency, and I am absolutely living for it every day of my young life.

[Martine]

Please hang up and try again.

[Sam Taggart]

Thank you.

[George Severis]

I would like to give a shout out to Martine. Yes. I have known you for a while, and you have always surprised me and in so many different ways. And in a way, I love following your journey and saying, oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow. And it's always brought me great joy to observe, to watch, and to run into you, even at a party and say, oh, my gosh. And Martine was there. God, I say that all the time. I say, and Martine was there. And, you know, I'm addicted to it. And I want to say that the way that you. I've known you for a long time, and yet you are a mystery. And this podcast, I was like, the mystery will be solved. And of course, what a fool I was and am. The mystery will never be solved. And I should stop trying to open the vault and just embrace. The vault is locked.

[Martine]

Please hang up and try again. I'm sorry. I couldn't pay attention because you were texting during that.

[George Severis]

It wasn't important.

[Martine]

I was distracted.

[Sam Taggart]

I know. I'm sorry. I was opening my own personal vault.

[Martine]

That's so beautiful. The yogurt.

[Sam Taggart]

The yogurt.

[Martine]

The yogurt was so beautiful.

[Sam Taggart]

Well, you weren't paying attention to Sam's. But the yogurt was really beautiful.

[George Severis]

Congrats on the yogurt. Yeah.

[Sam Taggart]

And I'm sorry I was. I'm sorry I was texting.

[George Severis]

No, don't apologize to me.

[Sam Taggart]

In my defense, it was really important.

[Martine]

Right? Yeah, I bet.

[George Severis]

Okay, now if you have one, I

[Sam Taggart]

won't text during yours. And I'm gonna make direct eye contact the entire time.

[George Severis]

Me as well.

[Martine]

I'm so tired

[Sam Taggart]

of the drama of

[George Severis]

the fakes and the phonies.

[Sam Taggart]

And the phonies.

[Martine]

Yeah. Just like every day.

[George Severis]

Totally.

[Sam Taggart]

Of just the bullshit of the industry.

[Martine]

Yeah. Just like this fucking town getting through this town.

[George Severis]

This vault ass town.

[Martine]

I want to shout out my locksmith.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

For showing me how to break into my apartment using a credit card, because now I don't have to pay to hire him back. In a way, it was so generous because it, like, dissolved his. His job.

[George Severis]

Like. Like filmmakers getting really into AI.

[Martine]

Yeah. Like artists just using AI all the time. Yeah. It's the same. It's exactly the same.

[George Severis]

Yeah.

[Martine]

If we were to measure the two.

[George Severis]

With a ruler.

[Martine]

With a ruler.

[Sam Taggart]

I would say you're catching on.

[Martine]

Yeah. I'm learning how to do this. You're teaching me. You're.

[George Severis]

Don't little spoon us. We.

[Sam Taggart]

We know what you're up to.

[George Severis]

We know what you're up to.

[Sam Taggart]

Madam Vault. I.

[Martine]

I would love to shout out Brooklyn Ball Factory.

[Sam Taggart]

What do they make there?

[Martine]

They make balls. They make rice balls. Onigiri. So good. Oh, my God, the spicy salmon.

[George Severis]

Ugh.

[Martine]

Honestly, the. All of them? All of them.

[George Severis]

Well, do they have a Times Square location?

[Martine]

They just up a new spot. There's. There's the OG which is in Williamsburg, and I think they just opened up a new location in somewhere in the city, but I haven't been there yet. But they're so cute. Everyone that works there is so cute. And I. Sometimes when I miss home, I go there.

[George Severis]

Well, Martine, this has been a really interesting episode.

[Martine]

Oh, no.

[Sam Taggart]

Do you think you'll submit this episode for the big Biennale as you're trying to reinvent yourself and trying to move past sip and lick?

[Martine]

No.

[Sam Taggart]

Podcast ends now.

[George Severis]

Stradio Lab is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcasts,

[Sam Taggart]

created and hosted by Sam Taggart and George Severis, executive produced by Becca Ramos, produced by Casey Donahue, edited and mixed by Lawrence Stumpf. Social video done by Hot Dog Sandwich.

[Martine]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.