#227 | Why Am I So Impatient with Incompetent People? Stress Management for HSPs Through Inner Work

Summary

Podcast Summary: Episode #227 | "Why Am I So Impatient with Incompetent People? Stress Management for HSPs Through Inner Work"

Title: Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Host/Author: Todd Smith, Founder of True Inner Freedom
Episode Release Date: May 7, 2025
Episode Title: #227 | Why Am I So Impatient with Incompetent People? Stress Management for HSPs Through Inner Work

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Introduction

In Episode #227 of "Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP)", Todd Smith delves into the intricate dynamics of frustration and impatience, particularly when interacting with individuals perceived as incompetent. Utilizing The Work of Byron Katie, Todd guides a caller through uncovering the root causes of their stressful thoughts and emotions, offering transformative insights tailored for Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs).

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The Stressful Situation: Navigating Healthcare Challenges

The episode begins with Todd introducing an Open Session, where listeners bring forward their personal stressors for live facilitation. The caller shares a distressing experience involving the difficulty of obtaining necessary medication for his wife. The situation was exacerbated by the new operational changes at the medication provider's facility, leading to long waiting times and unmet expectations.

Caller:
"So we decided to go at night like around 9pm and we were there for like three hours just to get to the place where they take all the orders... they told us like they don't deliver that medicine at that time."
[00:00 - 03:16]

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Identifying the Core Stressful Thought

Todd assists the caller in pinpointing the precise moment of stress—the refusal to dispense medication at night—which ignited a cascade of negative thoughts. The primary stressful thought identified is the belief that the staff are "incompetent."

Todd Smith:
"Trust your stress. It will show you what to work on next."
[06:31]

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Exploring the Thought: "They're Incompetent"

Delving deeper, Todd encourages the caller to examine the validity of the thought "They're incompetent." This exploration reveals a web of interconnected frustrations, ranging from systemic inefficiencies to personal feelings of helplessness.

Caller:
"I keep blaming them and, like, thinking that they're doing it on purpose."
[10:48]

Todd probes further, challenging the absoluteness of the caller's belief and introducing the concept of turnarounds—alternative perspectives that balance the original thought.

Todd Smith:
"How would you turn this thought around? Turnaround being an Opposite that we use to try to balance this and see if there's more than one side to the story."
[17:12]

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Working Through Turnarounds

The turnaround process leads the caller to consider alternative viewpoints, such as the incompetence might actually lie within himself, feeling powerless in the situation.

Caller:
"I'm incompetent. I'm feeling incompetent at that moment."
[22:07]

This self-reflection uncovers deeper layers of frustration rooted in personal helplessness rather than solely in the perceived incompetence of others.

Todd Smith:
"That's where the real... that feeling comes from. And then, of course, we start seeing everyone as incompetent or it focuses on them."
[23:10]

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Realizations and Insights

Through this introspective journey, the caller gains a newfound compassion for the staff, recognizing that their behavior may be influenced by factors beyond their control, such as workload or systemic changes.

Caller:
"I can feel how I'm there not judging them for what they do... I can actually feel compassion for what they're doing because I can see the possibility that they're just trying to do the best they can with the tools they have."
[13:30 - 16:22]

This shift from blame to understanding alleviates much of the initial frustration, illustrating the power of self-questioning in managing stress and negative emotions.

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Conclusion: Embracing Inner Work for Emotional Balance

Todd wraps up the session by summarizing the key takeaways:

1. Hidden Messages in Frustration: Recognizing that negative emotions often signal deeper internal conflicts.
2. Questioning Beliefs: Utilizing Byron Katie's work to challenge and reframe stressful thoughts.
3. Personal Empowerment: Understanding that many frustrations stem from personal feelings of powerlessness rather than external incompetence.
4. Compassion and Perspective: Developing empathy towards others to reduce stress and foster inner peace.

Todd Smith:
"As we do the work, as we explore, we can start to see some of this and again takes the charge out of the experience."
[25:19 - 26:51]

The episode emphasizes that through inner work and self-compassion, Highly Sensitive Persons can navigate their emotional landscapes more effectively, transforming moments of overwhelm into opportunities for personal growth and emotional balance.

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Key Takeaways

• Identify and Trust Your Stress: Recognize that your stress signals areas needing attention and inner work.
• Question Core Beliefs: Use techniques like The Work of Byron Katie to challenge and reframe negative thoughts.
• Shift Perspective: Move from blaming others to understanding and empathy, reducing feelings of frustration.
• Empower Yourself: Acknowledge feelings of powerlessness and work towards personal empowerment and resilience.

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Notable Quotes

• Todd Smith:
  "Trust your stress. It will show you what to work on next."
  [06:31]

• Caller:
  "I keep blaming them and, like, thinking that they're doing it on purpose."
  [10:48]

• Todd Smith:
  "How would you turn this thought around? Turnaround being an Opposite that we use to try to balance this and see if there's more than one side to the story."
  [17:12]

• Caller:
  "I'm incompetent. I'm feeling incompetent at that moment."
  [22:07]

• Todd Smith:
  "As we do the work, as we explore, we can start to see some of this and again takes the charge out of the experience."
  [25:19 - 26:51]

---

Final Thoughts

Episode #227 offers a profound exploration into the minds of Highly Sensitive Persons grappling with stress and frustration. By unraveling the layers of negative thoughts and fostering a compassionate outlook, listeners are empowered to achieve true inner freedom and emotional balance. Todd Smith's compassionate guidance underscores the transformative potential of inner work in navigating life's challenges.

For further support and resources, visit True Inner Freedom and consider completing the HSP Stress Survey to gain clarity on your stress triggers. Embrace the journey towards lasting inner peace and fulfillment.

Transcript

[Todd Smith]

By the end of this episode, you'll see how one frustrating moment can uncover a hidden map of your inner world and lead you to surprising self discovery. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress and find true inner freedom. I'm your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie. A way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I'm a highly sensitive person myself. In this episode, you'll discover the hidden message in your frustration. Discover how your impatience is pointing you directly to the inner work that can set you free. What if you're wrong? Why? Exploring the opposite of what you believe about incompetence can completely shift your perspective. And is this really about them? How unresolved past experiences with incompetence might be fueling your current frustration. Today is another edition of Open Session. Wednesdays you bring your questions and stressful situations and I facilitate you in the simple, powerful process of the work of Byron Gaty. As always, I share the unedited recording so you can experience the open session just as we did.

[Caller]

So I have something, but I'm not exactly sure what the stressful statement would be. Okay, I kind of have an idea, so.

[Todd Smith]

Well, if you have a situation, we can see if we can find a. Find the stressful thought to question.

[Caller]

Yeah, it looks like I'm, I'm trying to point it at me or like I have to do something, but I can also, I, I'm trying to also blame other party for having us do that. So the situation is I'm with my wife like trying to get some medicine that she needs to take every day. And then there's this new date. They changed the way we used to do it before, which was already bad anyway of having like a kind of like an office hours place where you can get the medicine throughout the day. And that was always packed and there was a lot of people waiting in line for it. And now they closed all of them down and they only open like three and they're also packed all the time but they have like a supposedly a 247 office availability now. So we decided to go at night like around 9pm and we were there for like three hours just to get to the place where they take all the orders and all that stuff. And they told us like they don't deliver that medicine at that time. And according to them they just told them that yesterday, which is the exact same date we went for it. So.

[Todd Smith]

All this after three hours of waiting till midnight. Yeah, okay, I get it.

[Caller]

That's a trigger moment.

[Todd Smith]

That's the stressful situation. Trigger moment is when they said they can't do it. So what are your thoughts? Let's just brainstorm a little bit. What, what are you thinking in that moment? That is. That is stressful. Don't worry about whether it's judging you or judging them. Just speak them out and I'll write some of them down.

[Caller]

Yeah. So some of the things that I immediately come to mind is like, oh, we should just leave the country to some other place where the medicine is better and we don't have to worry about things like this. Like, I think about how it will just get worse because of political decisions that we made before then I'm also thinking that they're just not doing their job because I can see that there's only two people there and they're like the slowest people I've ever seen in my life try to get take care of something. It's like they're counting the steps and not really delivering it. So I also. It also comes to mind that we made horrible decisions in like, political aspect of like before for getting a precedent and now getting this kind of healthcare issues that we've been having for a while, but now it seems to be getting worse. So that's another thought that comes to mind. And then I start looking at the people around because we're fairly close to like the door where they get take care of all the orders. But there's older people behind as well that have to be waiting for who knows how many hours more just to get to the place to see one if there's the medicine and second, if they have it or not or if they are going to give it to them or not. So kind of frustrating.

[Todd Smith]

Okay, so it can help to see if we like, narrow it down to when. When they actually said no. Right. You can't. We don't give that at night, you have to come back tomorrow. And these different thoughts that are there, look at each one and see which one feels the strongest or which one has the most charge in that situation. So, like, we should leave the country. It will only get worse. They're not doing their job. They're slow people. We made horrible decisions as a country politically. Other people are suffering behind us, other older people. And this is still kind of on the, like, general level. We haven't dived in completely into the specifics here, but it's getting closer. So which of those angles feels like where the stress Resides the most for you.

[Caller]

One that rang the bell just as you were saying that out loud. It was like a different one that they're incompetent right there. And it's directly talking to the people, taking care of the orders at that specific moment. The person that told us like, no, we don't do that. We had a meeting today, and they said no. So, dad.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah. Okay. So it goes from the global down to the minute here. And all we're trusting, all we're looking for. We're following the trail of our stress. And there's an energy there when you see they're incompetent. So that's why it jumps off the page. So we can trust that. This is what I always like to say. Trust your stress. It will show you what to work on next. It will show you, without fail, the most direct route to do it. So let's do the work on this in this very moment when you found out that they will not be giving you the medicine. Look at them. And they're incompetent. Is it true?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah. And can you absolutely know it's true? They're incompetent.

[Caller]

And my feeling, yes, absolutely.

[Todd Smith]

Okay. Yeah. And again, we're following our own experience in this work. And so I love that you're just honest and. And looking. Giving it a chance, but also being honest. That's the. It's important. So how do you react? What happens when you think they're incompetent and be there as if you're there right now looking at them? What happens to you when you think they're incompetent?

[Caller]

Oh, my God. I feel frustrated. My hands start getting sweaty a little bit just to feel that I'm there. And I can see how they're just walking super slow and not really feels like they don't want to do their job in a way. It's like they're walking super slow. They're not taking all the orders. They're not even fully delivering all the medicine that they're supposed to be giving. So it's almost like I want to be in their position for a minute and then just take care of. Of everything myself and then just get my order and then go there and get the medicine and deliver it to myself in a way, because they're so slow that it's like, oh, my God. And then they say something about, like, the system being slow. So then I start, of course, judging, like, the government for not making things better, like, despite all the money that they get and all that stuff. So it's like my mind starts going in, like, a lot of different places, trying to figure out what the best way is and why it isn't working and what to do to make it work better and try to, like, make the line go faster. Because, like, we're like three or four people behind the door. So it's like, I can feel how it's, like, really annoying, not just for me, but also for people in line because we're outside and cold. It's almost midnight, and it's, like, really frustrating that they've only attended for the last three hours. They only took, like, two orders. That's it. So it's really annoying.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah.

[Caller]

I keep blaming them and, like, thinking that they're doing it on purpose. So people just get tired and they just leave. Because that's what some people do. They just got tired of, like, the line not moving at all. So they just leave and try to another day. And also I think about the worst, like, this is not like a death or life situation where somebody can die if they don't take the medicine. But I put myself in that position. If it was, then that would be a lot worse because then you'll have that pressure on top of everything that's going on. So it makes me wonder if we just. All these things about, oh, we should just leave and then try to get to a better place where we don't have to worry about that. And then it adds up another pressure of, like, then I can get sick with something like that because then I'll be even in even more of an issue than being sick. And then on top of that, trying to get some medicine will be a nightmare. So I feel like I add more pressure to myself for that too.

[Todd Smith]

Makes sense. Yeah. So it's amazing how much comes out of this thought. They're incompetent. Starts out focused on them, that frustration, impatience. And then. And then the mind goes to the. Some of those other thoughts that you mentioned at the beginning of. We should leave the country. And then it goes to even more. What. What happens? I can't get sick. Like, this is reaction. This starts with an emotion, starts with a trigger, and then it billows out from there and becomes. Becomes very large. And. But it comes from this little thought. They're incompetent. So who would you be without the thought that they're incompetent? In the same line, waiting for the same three hours and still not getting what you wanted, the medicine that you needed? Who would you be if the thought they're incompetent, didn't come in for some reason.

[Caller]

I can feel how I'm there not judging them for what they do or for what they're doing right now. And I can actually feel compassion for what they're doing because I can see the possibility that they're just trying to do the best they can with the tools they have. And maybe the tools are not the greatest or the fastest or anything, so they're just trying to do the best they can. I can also see other things that, like, there was, like, two people inside, and one person said, like, she was kind of upset with the other person inside because he was not doing a very good job. So maybe he's also learning what he has to do and in the middle of all of this, and that person is expecting him to know everything, but that's not the case. So I start to see, like, other variables inside of that whole situation and not just me. And I can also see, like, more about other people in line and see that it's not our thing is not really. I mean, obviously it's important because it's medicine and all that, but it's not, like, the most important. I see older people there that probably need their medicine more than what we do, so it's not a big deal. I can also see more options, like, we don't get the medicine, but my wife can go, like, at a different time, a different day, just to pick it up and. Or just stay in line for a while if. If she has to. And that wouldn't be, like, too big of an issue anyway. Even if it's like, quite a few. Just, like, my focus goes away from them in a way, too.

[Todd Smith]

Mm.

[Caller]

So I'm seeing all these things around and not just them. Yeah.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah. That's the power of a thought. It's almost like a hypnosis. You know, it just grabs your attention and draws you in. The mind becomes obsessed with it in a way. They're incompetent. And then you start getting so, you know, like, all those reactions that you described start coming out of that. But as I was listening to you, it sounded like it was. You were starting to see the human. Human beings on the other side of it, the limitations, and then from there, the broader perspective of what options you have. So as the thought. If the thought isn't locking in on your mind, there's more space, more openness.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Todd Smith]

It's the power of thinking or believing a thought like this. So how would you turn this thought around? Turnaround being an Opposite that we use to try to balance this and see if there's more than one side to the story. So they're incompetent was the original statement. What could be another way, another turnaround, an opposite.

[Caller]

They're not incompetent.

[Todd Smith]

Okay, so without departing from reality, what is some evidence to help balance this story and bring it back down to its normal scale instead of the exaggerated, stressful version of it? They're not incompetent. What evidence do you find?

[Caller]

One could be that there's. They're inside. I don't know what's happening inside at all. So I don't know if the system is really down or, like, if they have issues with, like, their own stuff in there. I have no idea. I'm just assuming from outside what it would be. So I have no idea. And if they are, they could be trying their best and just working the best they can with what they have. So that makes total sense.

[Todd Smith]

Very possible. A lot of things you don't know. It may be better than the way it was. You never know. Right. Like, it could be an improvement, but it's still. You have to wait. But it doesn't mean they're. It could be they're improving. Right. There's not. Not necessarily that they're completely incompetent.

[Caller]

Yeah. I can also see that they. They could also be tired at that time. I don't know how many hours they've been working or, like, if they're finishing their shift or not or something like that. So kind of makes you slower a little bit, especially at that time of day. So I don't know. I have no idea.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah. So what does the word incompetent mean.

[Caller]

To me? It means, like, not doing what you can't do to the best of your ability or deliberately do it worse.

[Todd Smith]

Okay, so you may have touched on this already, but give me any thoughts or examples you can find of how they're not. Not incompetent according to that definition.

[Caller]

Yeah, it looks like one. The guy. There's a guy and a girl, and the guy looked like, a little bit lost in what he was doing. So I have no idea. If he's just new and he's trying to figure all these different things out and try to make sure he gets the right medicine, because if they don't, then they get in trouble. So he could be new and he could be just, like, trying to figure it out while in the process. So that wouldn't be incompetent at all if you're just Learning how to do something.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah. The best of his ability may not be that great, but it's the best of his ability. So by your own definition of incompetent, it would not be the same thing.

[Caller]

Yeah. The other one is that. That's like that office. Like, the way they're doing things is pretty new anyway. It's been, I don't even know, maybe three weeks or so. So everything is new and it's centralized now for different places. So maybe that part of a switch of how it used to work and how it works now. Now it's also different for them, of course, like it is for us. So we all have to adapt that change as well.

[Todd Smith]

So. Yeah. Have you ever had a system of your own that you had to change and then noticed that it. It was not working as great right away because you have to learn and get it set up and get it working with the new system?

[Caller]

Yeah, a lot of times. And then it's actually slower than the previous one at first, but then when everything is rolling and you get to know it a little bit better and do it, it actually becomes more efficient, but it's worse at the beginning. So.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah. So what's another turnaround? Another way of looking at an opposite to see if we can find some balance in this story instead of they're incompetent, what is another turnaround?

[Caller]

The one that comes to me right away is that I'm incompetent. I'm feeling incompetent at that moment.

[Todd Smith]

Okay, so say more about that.

[Caller]

Yeah, it's because I feel like I wish I could be there to be more efficient and even show them how to do it in a better way. Like maybe do better with the system or like, even walk faster just to try to get the medicine faster or something like that. So kind of like makes me feel that way because I can just be outside waiting in line, and I can do anything. It's just like I'm trying, but I can't do anything at all. So it makes me feel incompetent.

[Todd Smith]

I love it. Right. That's where the real. That could be, where that feeling comes from. And then, of course, we start seeing everyone as incompetent or it focuses on them. But if you can't do anything, that could be a big piece of the equation here.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Todd Smith]

It's like powerless, right?

[Caller]

Powerless. Yeah.

[Todd Smith]

So let's keep going. Any other turnaround? They're incompetent. They're not incompetent. I'm incompetent.

[Caller]

Do you See any other one? I'm not seeing it right now.

[Todd Smith]

Not seeing anything right off the bat. Yeah. So we're just exploring and seeing where the balance lies. The turnarounds just are a way of reducing the mind's exaggeration or the mind's stuckness on one extreme or the other. And so. Yeah. Any other thoughts or any other examples come to mind of anything we've been looking at?

[Caller]

I just saw another one while you were talking, and it really makes sense, which is my mind thinks that they're incompetent.

[Todd Smith]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And that seems to make a lot of sense because it's connecting things from the past where I've seen people actually deliberately not doing what they should be doing for, like, government companies and stuff like that. So it's making the connection right there with that, with those people from the past. So my mind is doing that right away.

[Todd Smith]

That's really interesting. Again, this balances the idea that they're incompetent because you don't know for sure, as you already said. But then you borrow those old images, those old experiences, and then put the anger of that onto this situation. And it's actually not fair because you don't know the reality of the situation. But that's what the mind does. It's really, really insightful.

[Caller]

Yeah. And it gets really powerful because I'm thinking, oh, it's part of the government stuff, then it has to be that they're doing it on purpose just to get, like, their money and just leave or whatever. Like, not caring about people and stuff like that. So it's fully connected to that.

[Todd Smith]

Totally. Right. And it ties right into political stuff because that's how we talk about elections. And, like, these people don't care about us. And, you know, we have all those. Those old experiences and emotions and images that all come into play and then, oh, here they are. I'm going to really blame them because they are the bad guys.

[Caller]

Yeah, totally. And then it keeps going around and around. It's. Oh, it's my fault too, because of, like, of the president that we have and the win, the one that we elected. It's our fault. So we're screwed.

[Todd Smith]

Right? Right, right. Big, big hot mess.

[Caller]

A huge hot mess. Now you have to own it. And then, of course, it's your fault. So what are you gonna do?

[Todd Smith]

Oh, my God. So that's what I love about this work, is it just. Just playing with it and seeing how other sides of this could be just opposites, could actually be as true and balance out this idea. That it's like, oh my gosh, they're incompetent. So thank you. Thank you very much.

[Caller]

Thank you. It was really cool to see.

[Todd Smith]

Really cool. Yeah. In this episode, we looked at the hidden message in your frustration and we looked at how your impatience is actually pointing you directly to the inner work that can set you free. You follow the emotion and from there start looking at what you're believing and then start questioning that and it can open. From there, we also looked at what if you're wrong? Why exploring the opposite of what you believe about incompetence can completely shift your perspective. You may think that someone's incompetent and you may find out that when you really look at it, there's a lot more going on. And this can lighten that feeling of frustration that that captured you in the beginning. And then finally we looked at is it really about them? How unresolved past experiences with incompetence might be fueling your current frustration. And this often happens. Something happened in the past. It got me worked up. I never really worked through it. And now a similar situation comes up or one with a similar energy, and I transfer the that energy from the past situation onto the new situation. As we do the work, as we explore, we can start to see some of this and again takes the charge out of the experience. So thanks for listening and following along with this episode. I look forward to another one with you soon. And in the meantime, I hope you have a really great rest of your day. Dreaming of a stress free balanced life. Visit trueinnerfreedom.com and complete the HSP Stress Survey. Gain clarity on your stress triggers and Enjoy a free 15 minute inner freedom call designed to guide you towards lasting inner peace and fulfillment.