← Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
#268 | 5 Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries as a Highly Sensitive Person — Before Burnout Hits
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Are You Overwhelmed Because Your Boundaries Are Too Soft? Do you often say yes when you mean no—or feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions? If you're a highly sensitive person (HSP), weak boundaries aren't just exhausting—they can lead to...
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Todd Smith
By the end of this episode, you'll discover five signs that you need stronger boundaries. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I'm your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I'm a highly sensitive person myself. In this episode, you'll discover the five warning signs. Your boundaries are too soft and what it costs you, why highly sensitive people are especially prone to boundary burnout, and how to finally stop over giving and still show up with love and compassion. This is an edition of Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom. I like to say that when I was a kid, we didn't have a word for no. Instead, what we had were kind of two forms of yes. We had yes. That was like a kind of. Yeah, yes. Kind of. And then there was yes. Oh, I'd love to. That sounds great. And I didn't realize that, but those were the. That was yes and no. The actual no didn't exist too well. And of course I'm exaggerating when I tell this, but there was some real truth in that. And what it felt like for me is that you're driving a car with an accelerator and no brakes. And so you, if you want to speed up, that's great, but if you need to slow down, there's a curve coming or stop sign. What are you going to do? Like, literally, what are you going to do? And I've had plenty of crashes trying to drive this car with no brakes all my life. So let's look today at the five warning signs that your boundaries are too soft and what it costs you. First one is that you feel responsible for other people's emotions. And as a highly sensitive person, this is a little bit natural. We are empathetic, we are emotional. Emotions are important to us and so is empathy. And so what happens is that we don't just notice that someone is upset, we feel it. We're connected. We imagine what that feels like. And as a result, it can be confusing to figure out what's my emotion and what's your emotion. And it make you. It can make you feel like you are personally responsible for fixing their stuff, which is not true. So what it looks like is you. You can find yourself stepping into someone else's business, trying to soothe them, trying to mediate conflict or, or keep the peace, even when it's not your job. And that's the really important distinction there. We, we blur that boundary. It gets confusing. And so as a result, it becomes hard to say no, or it becomes hard to just not go there. And the result is that it costs you your energy, drains your energy. It means that you're spending your time always on managing other people's inner worlds instead of looking at your own inner world, which may be falling apart as a result of that. And that can lead to burnout and resentment. And it can affect relationships that you actually really care about. So the second sign that your boundaries are too soft and is, and that is that you agree before you know what you want. This is, this is me to a T. It's like in a way, kind of a classic freeze response where you're saying, I'm just not going to look at my own self here for a second, but you ask me something. Oh yes, right away, yes, oh sure, I'll be happy to. And so what you're doing is you're bypassing the check in and see what's true for you part of the equation. You're leaving yourself out of the equation. And it happens so quickly, it's literally a reaction. And so you have to slow it down to be able to interrupt that and bring in some balance. But of course, as HSPs, we're wired for harmony. We want people to be happy. We tend to default to yes to avoid perceived conflict or even rejection. But the problem is that it ends up, it ends up bypassing us, ends up leaving us out of the equation. And that can lead to resentment. And over time, that resentment can really build and can end up influencing and making the relationships that you care about become, become problems, become something that you are not happy with. So a third sign that your boundaries are too soft is that you can't tell the difference between kindness and self erasure. And what I mean by that is that we as HSPs were often praised for being easy, being generous, being no trouble, being kind. And that has often become a part of our identity. I'm a nice guy. Like that's one of my identities. And so speaking my needs may be, may feel like I'm violating the very thing that made me lovable in the first place. Being a nice guy, being just a good, easygoing, no trouble kind of person. And so bringing up something that is actually important to me is something I will downplay. And that is what I mean by self erasure. So yes, it's great to be kind. It's great to be thoughtful of others, but if I'm erasing myself in the process, then that is not going to be a formula for peace for myself or peace in a relationship. Because relationships grow apart if there's any kind of resentment on the inside. So if you lose touch with what you actually want, you may start to feel invisible in your own relationships. And this can lead to numbness, this can lead to disconnection, and it can even make you confused about who am I? So fourth sign that your boundaries may be too soft is that you feel trapped in roles you never consciously chose. And again, as highly sensitive people, we are often the ones who can hold emotional space. That is just our natural ability. We can hold space for people beautifully and we may end up being asked to do it everywhere. And without clear boundaries, we can easily become the family therapist, you know, the emotional support person or the go to helper without ever actually signing up for it. And so this can look like, yeah, I'm the strong one, I'm the sensitive one, I'm the listener, but it wasn't actually what I wanted to do. Like again, goes back to self erasure, like, why am I doing this? And it can end up feeling like you're trapped in a role that you never really wanted in the first place. You can end up existing for other people instead of having your own needs and desires be an important part of your life and of the relationships that you're in. This can also end up leaving you in a place of isolation or just fatigue, depression, that kind of thing, even in the middle of close relationships. That's the funny thing. So the fifth sign that you are that your boundaries are too soft is that you over explain or justifies, justify or apologize for having needs. And this really comes from an internalized guilt around. Around being maybe too much or being too sensitive or just being not, not really. Shouldn't really take up space or something like that. And so if you believe in any way that you're not allowed to ask for space or not allowed to rest without explaining why it's okay, then you can end up getting into a real trap where you're trying to set a boundary, but you're thinking that you have to earn that. You're basically saying, you know, I hope it's okay, but you know, I just need a little tiny bit of time and I'm really sorry. And like I'm. What I'm doing there is I'm asking permission from someone else for my boundary, but that's not what a boundary is. A boundary is. I'm saying, this is where I am. This is where I'm located in the room. And I want you to know it because I want you to see me. And I want to be able to connect to you from the real me, not from just some vague version of me that's maybe not even showing up. If I'm asking other people for permission for my own boundaries, then they're not boundaries at all. They're really just. I'm just submitting to another person. And it leads to a lot of confusion. And in the end, if anything changes, the person says, oh, no, I want to do this. Then suddenly, my whole important need gets completely bypassed. And then again, resentment begins. So why are highly sensitive people especially prone to boundary burnout? The thing is, with highly sensitive people, we naturally absorb more emotional data. We're aware of what's going on in ourselves, in other people, and we pay attention to that stuff. And so we can overload quite quickly. We detect nuance. We detect shifts in tone or body language, emotional undercurrents, even unspoken expectations. All that stuff is what we're paying attention to when we're around other people quite naturally. And it can end up that we start unconsciously processing the emotions and needs of those around us. And so without strong boundaries, that constant absorption can become an overload. What I like to think of is that boundaries have to match your own level of empathy. And as highly sensitive people, we are very empathetic. As a result, we have to have more attention on boundaries than other people. A great analogy for this is if you think of most people, they're like a big castle with a big outer wall. And their boundaries only need to respond when something really big comes knocking in. Because they're not bothered by the nuances, the subtle things. They don't get overwhelmed by those. That's just their nature. But highly sensitive people, we don't just live inside the castle. We also step out and we tend the garden outside and beyond the walls. And so when we're out in the courtyard, where other people are, where there's other energies, other emotions, other people's moods are already there. We're brushing up against all of this. And this is long before anyone ever reaches the front gate of the castle. So highly sensitive people need subtle boundaries. We need layered boundaries. Not just the big, dramatic ones, the big stone wall. We need inner fences and, like, gentle hedges and little quiet, no entry signs and ways of protecting our energy before the big open overwhelm arrives. Because for us as highly sensitive people, Signals come earlier and if we wait until the outer wall is breached, then we are going to end up being completely overwhelmed and it's just like too late in a way. So how can we finally stop over giving and still show up with love and compassion? That's the ultimate question. How can you say no and still be compassionate? How can you say no and have a boundary and still be loving? Some of it just comes down to clarity, like getting clear on what's mine and what's yours. My favorite question from Byron, Katie is whose business am I in? That one question can make it so clear for me when I really ask myself, whose business am I in? Is this really my job? If I get, if I take a moment to do that, just a pause, it can get it really clear. And you know, I work with people all the time in, in private sessions and doing very intimate work with, with them and there's, it's very, you know, we're dealing with negative emotions and all kinds of things. But as long as I'm really clear, this is their business and this is my business. What is my job? My job's here to hold the space or my job is for this hour I'm with them. Like when I'm really clear what my job is versus what their job is, which is to take care of themselves, find their way, explore, feel their way in the dark. When I see that, I start to allow them to live their lives and I start to have space to live my own life. So getting clear on what's yours and what's theirs is probably one of the most important things for understanding how to have a boundary and still be compassionate. Another aspect of this is that you can think of compassion as kind of sacrificing yourself or something. It's like self sacrifice. It's kind of maybe a common understanding of what compassion is, but I don't think it's the real meaning of compassion. Real compassion means being present with someone and it also means being, not abandoning yourself. If you're present with someone and you're holding yourself, then you can be a great support for that person. But if you're abandoning yourself and getting lost in their needs, then where are you? Where's the solid ground? It's like two people drowning. And you know, if, if one person's drowning, you jump in and you just don't know how to swim or something, or you start grabbing onto them, then you're both going down. But if you stay in your own, like what you're able to do, then you can Maybe actually assist them in the water. Another way to stop over giving and still show up with love is to think about no as actually being a form of love. And I love this one because setting a boundary sounds like a negative thing. Sounds like I'm saying no, right? I am. And at first it seems like that's going to be a problem in relationships, but in reality, setting a limit keeps relationships healthier. And the reason for this is that if you don't set a boundary when there is one inside of you, then as I mentioned throughout this whole episode, resentment starts to build. And resentment is the silent killer of closeness. If you have resentment, it's going to show, it's going to come out, it's going to ruin the relationship. And so saying no is a way of actually stepping in and joining somebody and saying, you know what, I don't want to do that, but I want you to know where I stand. I want you to know who I actually am. I want you to know my preferences. That's vulnerability, that's intimacy, and that is a form of love. So another way that we can navigate this is tuning into your body. This is so important. We as HSPs are tuned into our body. We're aware of our body and our body gives little inner signals all the time that can lead us if we pay attention to them. So I invite you to practice checking in. Like, does this request feel like a. Like a warm yes or a tightening no? What does that feel like? Use your body as a compass. Instead of using guilt as a compass, use your body. That body is wise and it just means you have to listen to it. And then finally, one other thing you can do is to set micro boundaries. Do that earlier and give little small ways of saying no, like, you know, let me get back to you on that. Or some respectful way of saying, I am not available right now, but I care. If you can start these early, then you also give yourself time to get clear yourself and then maybe come up with a stronger no at a later point. So the feeling I'm left with is, is that no is a valid word, even though I didn't have much practice with it as a kid. And it's one that I'm. It's a word that I'm getting more familiar with. I'm starting to see the goodness of it and I'm starting to practice using it more. In this episode, we looked at the five warning signs. Your boundaries are too soft and what it costs you. And we saw that those signs are, you feel responsible for other people's emotions. You agree before you know what you want. You can't tell the difference between kindness and self erasure. You feel trapped in roles you never consciously chose or you over explain, justify and apologize for having needs. And we looked at why highly sensitive people are especially prone to boundary burnout and that is because we're naturally tuned in to others needs and as a result we need more boundaries than other people. It's like being outside of the castle walls. We have to come in contact with things before there's a big assault on the castle wall. And so we have to have boundaries that meet us, that meet our situation where it is. And finally we looked at how to finally stop over giving and still show up with love and compassion. How to balance love with no and one of the big ones is getting clear on what's yours versus what's theirs. What's your business? Redefining compassion as being present without abandoning yourself and then letting your no be a form of love as a way of being vulnerable and showing up and avoiding that relationship killer called resentment. And then we also saw that tuning into your body first and setting micro boundaries can also be a way of saying no, showing up for yourself and still being loving, compassionate the way we like to be as highly sensitive people. So thanks for listening. It's always great to explore being a highly sensitive person with you. This podcast comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Join me next time for Self Compassion Wednesdays, where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people by exploring the unique traits that make and shape our experience. Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once? Take the HSP stress test@truinnerfreedom.com youm'll also find a link in the show notes. The test will reveal your unique sensitivity profile, including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, emotions, social energy, and more. You'll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity Take the HSP Stress Test now. It's a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom.