Podcast Summary: Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP) – Episode #273

Title: Why Taking Care of Yourself Last Doesn’t Work as a Highly Sensitive Person
Host: Todd Smith (Founder, True Inner Freedom)
Date: August 22, 2025

Episode Overview

In this Strategy Friday episode, Todd Smith addresses a core challenge for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs): the instinct to take care of others first and themselves last. Todd explores why this pattern is so common among HSPs, the hidden costs it carries, and a practical, balanced approach to caring for both self and others. The theme ties closely to sustainable stress management strategies and the importance of self-inclusion in the quest for inner peace and fulfillment.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why HSPs Tend to Care for Themselves Last

• Empathy and Service Orientation

  • HSPs naturally prioritize others’ needs due to heightened empathy and a drive to help.
  • “We care about others and we like others to be happy. We like to be of service, we like to give, and we know that we can gain a lot from giving. But there are limits.” – Todd Smith [01:12]

• Societal Pressure Against ‘Selfishness’

  • Western cultures often view self-care as selfish, discouraging HSPs from nurturing themselves.
  • Todd shares a personal anecdote about his mother criticizing his meditation as selfish, illustrating the cultural taboo.
    • “[My mom told me] that it was selfish for me to sit and meditate … And in some ways she was right. I also challenged that idea that taking care of oneself is not selfish. But in our world it is often viewed that way.” – Todd Smith [02:33]

• Need for Order and Completion

  • HSPs crave order and completion before allowing themselves to rest, which can lead to delayed or denied self-care.
    • “We like things to be in order … we end up almost obsessing and pushing beyond where our natural limit for rest is because we're so one pointed and focused on getting something done.” – Todd Smith [03:13]

• Tendency to Single-Task and Over-Focus

  • Working intensely on one task at a time, HSPs postpone self-care until their list is completed—which rarely happens, as tasks are often endless.
  • “We're not good multitaskers in general… So it seems natural to do one job, finish it and then take care of ourselves. That'll be the next job and we'll take care of that next.” – Todd Smith [04:08]

2. Where This Pattern Shows Up

• Friendships: Overgiving in support, always putting friends’ needs above own.

• Parenting: Acting as the ‘over-giving parent,’ with little time left for self.

• Business/Careers: As empathetic business owners or team players, taking on extra work for others, sometimes even undercharging or sacrificing well-being.

• Spirituality: Mistaking self-denial for spiritual growth; confusing healthy self-care with egoic indulgence.

• Teamwork: Saying yes to extra tasks and responsibilities at work out of a desire to serve.

  “If we're giving and giving and giving… there may be no time for taking care of ourselves.” – Todd Smith [05:00]

3. Why Prioritizing Others is a Bad Strategy

• Unsustainable Giving

  • When giving surpasses capacity, it leads to burnout and resentment—undermining the HSP’s original good intentions.
    • “Because when we take care of ourselves last, we have less to give. It's simple as that.” – Todd Smith [07:14]
    • “Imagine… taking out a loan to take care of some thing in your life… and you knew you wouldn't ever get that money back. Like that's giving more than you actually have to give.” – Todd Smith [08:38]

• Self-Esteem Erosion

  • Constant self-neglect leads to feelings of being less-than or undeserving, damaging confidence.

• Reduced Effectiveness

  • “When you put yourself last, you actually reduce your ability to do things well. … It can actually reduce the ability to do a good job, which again can be very stressful.” – Todd Smith [09:46]

4. A New Approach: Proactive, Balanced Self-Care

• Think Long-Term and Budget Your Time

  • Self-care and service are both long-term “projects.” Waiting until everything is finished before self-care doesn’t work.
  • Todd suggests budgeting time for both, akin to budgeting money, bringing consciousness and proactiveness to daily decisions.
    • “If you start noticing where you're spending [your time], you start planning what you're going to spend on and what you're not… This is becoming proactive and actually deciding, where would I like to spend my time?” – Todd Smith [10:38]

• Incorporate Self-Care as Part of Doing the Job Well

  • Expand the definition of ‘doing a good job’ to include caring for oneself.
    • “If I broaden it to include myself as part of the job, then that changes the whole direction of how I manage my time…” – Todd Smith [12:38]

• Routine and Mindful Alternation

  • Todd uses the example of a restaurant server: time for focused service and a clearly defined time for rest and self-care.
  • “As highly sensitive people, we're super good at managing complexities. So we just have to...start including taking care of ourselves as being an integral part of doing anything well.” – Todd Smith [13:33]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “We matter too. It's not just about results. It's not just about service or being a great friend or someone who gives a lot. It's also about creating a more sustainable and enjoyable experience for ourselves. We matter.” – Todd Smith [14:09]
• Memorable personal moment: Todd’s story of being called selfish for meditating, and how he now re-frames self-care as essential (not selfish). [02:33]
• “There’s a time for giving, and there’s a time for giving to ourselves, and both are equally important.” – Todd Smith [14:48]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:41–03:13] Perfectionism, social pressure, and the “selfish” label
• [03:13–05:00] Task completion, non-multitasking, and ignoring self-care
• [05:00–07:14] Real-life examples: friendship, parenting, business, spirituality, teamwork
• [07:14–09:46] The costs: burnout, resentment, reduced effectiveness, harmed self-esteem
• [09:46–13:33] The solution: time budgeting for self-care and service, redefining ‘doing well’
• [14:09–15:45] Uplifting conclusion: You matter too; sustainable self-care as an HSP essential

Summary & Takeaway

Todd Smith’s message in this episode is clear: HSPs need to move beyond the reflex of putting themselves last. Conscious, regular self-care isn’t selfish—it’s vital. True service and accomplishment only flourish when they are grounded in a balanced, nurtured self. The actionable strategy suggested is to proactively budget time for both responsibilities and personal restoration, treating self-care as a non-negotiable element of a healthy life as an HSP.

Listen to Episode #273 for deeper exploration and practical guidance on self-care for highly sensitive people.