← Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
#273 | Why Taking Care of Yourself Last Doesn't Work as a Highly Sensitive Person
00:16:35
Are you constantly putting yourself last — and wondering why you're so drained? If you're a highly sensitive person (HSP), your empathy and deep sense of responsibility can drive you to care for everyone else first. But what if this “selfless”...
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- [00:01]
Todd Smith
By the end of this episode, you'll see clearly why taking care of yourself last doesn't work and what to do instead.
- [00:12]
Podcast Narrator
Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I'm your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts, and you guessed it, I'm a highly sensitive person myself.
- [00:41]
Todd Smith
In this episode, you'll discover why it seems completely natural to take care of yourself last as an hsp, and why this is actually a really bad strategy, and how to find a new approach that is more effective for all involved. This is an edition of Strategy Fridays where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person. Being empathetic is one of the hallmarks of being a highly sensitive person. We care about others and we like others to be happy. We like to be of service, we like to give, and we know that we can gain a lot from giving. But there are limits. And if I give too much, if I put myself last all the time, then you may reach your limit. And this is what we want to talk about here today. I find it interesting that there seems to be almost a taboo, at least in Western society, about being too selfish. Like maybe we want to take care of ourselves, but it's not something that is good, it's not something that is looked upon as you're not going to get praise for taking care of yourself, whereas you are going to get praise for taking care of someone else. So if you're interested in praise, and many of us are, then we may find ourselves gravitating to towards doing selfless things instead of quote unquote selfish things. And I remember my mom once telling me like that it was selfish for me to sit and meditate and while I was doing it a little bit, maybe out of balance, maybe too much. And in some ways she was right. I also challenged that idea that taking care of oneself is not selfish. But in our world it is often viewed that way. And because we're so perceptive as HSPs, we often pay attention to that and we often try to avoid being seen that way. Another thing that contributes to us putting ourselves last as highly sensitive people is that we like things to be in order. We like everything to be in its place. We like that feeling of like the job is done and then we can relax. And so because of that, we end up almost obsessing and pushing beyond where our natural limit for rest is because we're so one pointed and focused on getting something done, getting, doing a really good job. And because we're highly sensitive, we tend to take a longer time to do it because we're looking at so many different aspects of how to do that well. So as a result, it's natural that you'll end up caring for yourself last because of this just natural tendency. As an hsp, another thing that contributes is that we tend to like to do one thing at a time. We like to talk to one person at a time, we like to do one job at a time. We're not good multitaskers in general as highly sensitive people. And so it seems natural to do one job, finish it and then take care of ourselves. That'll be the next job and we'll take care of that next. But the problem is these jobs that the world presents us or that we ourselves create, they, they often take a long time and they're often endless. And so when do we ever get to taking care of ourselves? It often doesn't happen or it comes out much later or when it's an emergency. And then finally we as HSPs tend to take satisfaction in doing things well. I guess that's really the same idea. We like to have that feeling of accomplishment. And so when I have that feeling of accomplishment, that's when I want to rest and take care of myself and celebrate a little bit and enjoy. But until that's there, there's a part of me that is driven and wanting to finish what I've started and, and that can get in the way quite naturally with taking care of myself. So where can this show up? It can show up in friendship. You know, are you an overgiving friend where you are there for your friend no matter what? You put everything on hold if your friend needs something. Or are you like more of an over giving parent where you're taking care of your child, doing such a good job and doing everything right, but there's no room for you because child, children can just, they can just take and take and take and take. That's their nature. And so if we're giving and giving and giving and giving, there may be no time for taking care of ourselves. Another example is if you're super empathetic. Empathetic. I can't say the word empathetic. Business owner. I fall into this category where I want to give a lot, I want to do the best, give the, give my all, and then end up getting in trouble with time Management with maybe even undercharging, where you're giving more and you're not actually get anything out of the business, in which case you end up are. You're just naturally putting yourself last. And you justify it as, oh, well, if I give a lot, then it'll come back to me. Well, that's true. But just notice if you're. If you're constantly giving to the detriment of your own self. Another place where this shows up is if you're a spiritual seeker. Have you ever noticed as being a spiritual seeker, that you may get confused between denial, like denying your needs, and doing something that is helpful for your spiritual development? These are easily confused and they've been kind of mixed together in a lot of spiritual traditions. And we can end up putting ourselves last on principle, thinking that that's going to be the fastest way to freedom. And the invitation for me is to come back to balance. There's always two sides to life. And if I get too out of balance in one direction, it may actually be causing problems with my spiritual path rather than actually helping it. And then finally, another place where this can show up is if you're being the team player at work so much that you're taking on more responsibility than you need to. You're taking extra time to work with people and have them work together and doing a lot more than your actual job. So it's easy to get caught in these things. It's something we actually like to do in many ways. To be the giver, to be someone who organizes things and puts things in order in our lives. And we forget that the basis of all of this is our own internal life. So why is this a really bad strategy? Because when we take care of ourselves last, we have less to give. It's simple as that. And if we want to give and we have less to give, that's going to be frustrating. It's not sustainable, can lead to all kinds of health problems, and it can build resentment, which is not nice. If you're living with resentment, it's not nice. And for those around you, it's also not nice. So when I give what I actually have, it feels great.
- [08:37]
Podcast Narrator
When I give more than I have.
- [08:39]
Todd Smith
It doesn't feel great. Imagine like going and taking out a loan to take care of some thing in your life, somebody in your life, and you knew you wouldn't ever get that money back. Like that's giving more than you actually have to give. And we do the same thing with our time. Another problem and reason why this is a bad strategy. Putting ourselves last is that we start seeing ourselves as less than. We start seeing ourselves as subservient or as not equals. And that can kind of hurt our confidence level and make us feel like we're just not the same or not as good or not as deserving as other people. And then finally, when you put yourself last, you actually reduce your ability to do things well. And we love doing things well. We love the feeling of accomplishment. But if you're getting burned out or if you're not taking care of yourself in some way, it can actually reduce the ability to do a good job, which again can be very stressful. So how can we find a new approach that's more effective for yourself and for everyone else? The key for me is to think about what's actually going on here. This is not just do one thing and then finish the other. It's like we're not just talking about do one thing at a time, which is a great idea. We're talking about how can we do something long term. It's easy to do one thing until mastery and then move to the next. But it doesn't work with long term projects. And so when you have a long term project and a friendship is a long term project, a spiritual path is a long term project. Work is a long term project. Whenever you're dealing with some kind of a longer term project, if you think, oh, I'll just work on this until it's finished and then I'll take care of myself. And that taking care of yourself never happens. So what works is to think about how to budget your time so that you have time allotted for yourself and time allotted for giving to others. Just like budgeting your money. This brings consciousness to your decisions. Instead of just going on automatic pilot, if you just. It's like if you don't have a lot of money and you need to pay attention to it, if you start noticing where you're spending and what you're spending, you start planning what you're going to spend on and what you're not going to spend on. Then you bring to conscious awareness those decisions. If you don't do that, then you will just basically put out fires. You will go for the most, the thing that is the loudest yelling at you, the thing the greatest need. You'll just jump, you'll be reactive. And this is the opposite of that. This is becoming proactive and actually deciding, where would I like to spend my time? Just like spending money, where would I like to spend it? On what and what's a smart way of doing this? Even though I still want to do this, what's the smart way? And so when you start asking those questions and start blocking out your time a little bit, then you will be able to balance these two things. And, you know, I think of it as like a server in a restaurant. When they're in the restaurant, they're all out, they're giving, they're a hundred percent. And that feels so fulfilling because they're just all in. But when that shift ends, they go home and they're completely not serving and they're relaxing and they're taking care of themselves. So there's a time for service, and there's a time for taking care of your own self. And these two both have to be put into the routine. Otherwise they don't just happen automatically. For me, this is a more nuanced approach. It requires. It's a little more complex. It's simple to just say, do one thing and do it well. But there's not just one thing. So we kind of have to redefine what it is that we're trying to do a good job at. Is it just the job at hand, or is it the job at hand plus taking care of myself? If I broaden it to include myself as part of the job, then that changes the whole direction of how I manage my time, because it means that as much as I want to go in on doing the job, I also want to take care of myself. And there's going to be a little tension and interaction between those two. And if I pay attention to it, there will be a way to manage that. And as highly sensitive people, we're super good at managing complexities. So we just have to put into our awareness and start including taking care of ourselves as being an integral part of doing anything well. So the feeling I'm left with today is that we matter too. It's not just about results. It's not just about service or being a great friend or someone who gives a lot. It's also about creating a more sustainable and enjoyable experience for ourselves. We matter. And as we accomplish things, if we can keep an eye on taking care of ourselves, it adds a whole new dimension and a lot more joy. In this episode, we looked at why it seems completely natural at first to take care of yourself last as an hsp, and that's because we're naturally empathetic and we like to be of service, and we like to do one thing at a time, and we take satisfaction in doing things well. So of course we put ourselves last. But we also looked at why this is actually a really bad strategy. First of all, it's not sustainable. It can end up causing resentment, and it can certainly cause stress and physical problems. And in the end, we don't end up doing the very thing that we wanted to do well because we have cut out the basis for doing it well, which is our own rested, joyful self. And then finally, we looked at how to find a new approach that is more effective for everyone, and that is basically budgeting time for ourselves. There's a time for giving, and there's a time for giving to ourselves, and both are equally important. So thanks for listening. It's great to explore this topic with you. This podcast comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Join me next time for Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom.
- [15:46]
Podcast Narrator
Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once? Take the HSP stress test@truinnerfreedom.com you'll also find a link in the show Notes.
- [15:57]
Todd Smith
The test will reveal your unique sensitivity.
- [16:00]
Podcast Narrator
Profile, including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, circulation, emotions, social energy, and more. You'll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity. Take the HSP Stress Test now. It's a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom.