← Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
#305 | The Perfectionist Lie That's Keeping You Overwhelmed and Invisible to Others as an HSP
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By the end of this episode, you'll discover what perfectionism looks like and the cost of falling into this trap as an hsp. Welcome to Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People, a podcast helping HSPs avoid overwhelm, eliminate stress, and find true inner freedom. I'm your host, Todd Smith, a facilitator of the work of Byron Katie, a way to question and reduce stressful thoughts. And you guessed it, I'm a highly sensitive person myself. In this episode, you'll discover why you're constantly overwhelmed and yet can't seem to slow down, the emotional cost of chasing perfect in an imperfect world, and why doing things right might be the thing holding you back. Welcome to this edition of Self Compassion Wednesdays, where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people by exploring the unique traits that shape our experience as the photographer in the family. I inherited all the photos, slides and albums when my mom died, and I had the idea to scan them all so that everyone could enjoy them. Little did I know what a huge project that would be. That was 15 years ago, actually. It's still not done organizing, choosing which pictures to have scanned, taking them to be scanned. It cost a lot of money. I didn't really. I had to research whether to buy a scanner myself or just pay a service. In the end, it turned out to be such a big project for me that it never got done. And I still feel a little bit bad about it. Like there's something that's still not quite settled there. And the weird thing is when I shared some of the photos that I had scanned, it seemed like no one really cared that much in my family. I mean, it was like, yeah, it was nice, but compared to the amount of work that I did and the amount of thought that I put into it, I kind of lost, like the wind went out of my sails at that point and I kind of discontinued at that point, but it still bugs me. Yeah, so we're looking at perfectionism and how it shows up is something that can show up anytime, anywhere, and you may be surprised how often it is. Running a part of your life, for example, maybe research everything and try to get everything just right, but you still feel behind or unappreciated. That was my experience here, is that I, I did a lot of research. I did a lot of work, put in a lot of manual labor, and in the end I didn't really finish the project and I didn't really get the, you know, happiness or praise from everybody in my family. And it's sort of like oh my gosh. What? Why did I do that? This can show up in other places too. Like if you're sending emails to someone, maybe it's for work, or maybe it's just personal emails where you start redoing your emails and you start editing posts. If you're posting something. And this can go on, right? It can go on for minutes, it can go on for hours, it can go on for longer. If you have some project that you're trying to do or you're trying to maybe launch something in your business, or if you're just trying to do something like a project, you can end up getting stuck because it just doesn't feel like it's quite there yet. This is what perfectionism looks like. Another example is you may find that it takes 10 times longer for you to get things done in order for them to feel good enough for you. Now I want to pause for a second and differentiate between being highly sensitive, which naturally takes longer to do things because we process things slowly, we do things thoroughly and this is part of our nature. But I want to differentiate that from perfectionism where there's this extra urge like, like requirement that I do it really well. Like I have to do it perfectly. Otherwise I'm going to be. I'm going to feel badly or I'm going to. Something bad is going to happen. So the same trait can be stressed as in perfectionism, or not stressed, just normal, in which an HSP would normally do things very well. And that's our superpower. So I want to keep that in mind as I'm exploring this idea of perfectionism. Perfectionism is when it crosses into this emotionally stressful area of I have to, like, I don't have a choice. Like there's a. There's a fear in there, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, that kind of thing. So another way this shows up is that every should can start to become a to do list and you may start to feel ashamed to ignore that. And to do lists can be super helpful, but they can also be a big place to get stuck and feeling bad because there's no end of new to do's coming down the pipes. What this feels like is you can start feeling guilty when you're actually trying to rest. So for example, didn't last too long for me this time, but I had vacation in August, had a couple weeks of vacation. I was doing a staycation. So I was just at home. I could have. And it crossed my mind, go in and start. Re. Like start working on that project again with those pictures. And I was thinking, yeah, maybe if I really worked it, I could get it all done in that two weeks, you know. So this, while on the one hand sounds like a good thing. It's the guilt that I'm talking about here. Guilt when I'm really meant to rest and that's what I needed. Luckily I chose resting and I ended up feeling much clearer and much more balanced as a result of that deep rest. But look how quickly it can sabotage you from taking care of yourself. You know, there can be an anxiety also about not doing it properly and you kind of maybe get tied into wanting yourself to be happy with the end product and wanting others to be happy with the end product. And I think even more importantly than getting people's approval, it's avoiding their disapproval. This is the one that really motivates me. This is the one that's fear driven. This is the one that is clearly stress related. And this is what I think is really the fuel of perfectionism. So if I'm afraid that somebody's not going to like it, if I'm afraid there's going to be even one criticism, I will go above and beyond and above and beyond to try to avoid that. And that is perfectionism. In other words, I've done way more than was needed. And I always say it's easier to get from 0 to 99%. That's it is to get from 99% to 100. It's like that's where you can get lost with infinite number of like just, just no end of doing and trying to hone and perfect because it's, it's a huge leap to go from 99 to 100%. In fact, there really isn't 100%. I think that's the problem. The other thing that can happen emotionally is you can start feeling shame when you drop the ball. Like even if no one else notices. So for example, with those photos, I was still feeling the weight of that. You know, this has been going on for 15 years and I've been, I gave my word, you know, and then I didn't complete the job. So there's a sense of shame here and a sense of urgency to hurry up and make that up so that nobody calls me out on that, on that shame. The other thing that can kind of bug around perfectionism is kind of the secret thinking that why can't I just handle it like everyone else? Like is there something wrong with me? And this can play into that, that self blame or self judgment of Being an HSP already and, and like maybe I'm different than everyone else, there's something wrong with me and I should be able to handle this better. And again, it's, you have to notice. What is the HSP trade? Yeah, we do things slower, we do things methodically, we do things well. But what is perfectionism? We get stuck, caught on, trying to please everyone, trying to avoid their disapproval, and thinking about it as if I don't get to 100%, then I failed in some way. The cost of this is that you can end up feeling exhausted, not just from the tasks themselves, but the way you judge yourself while you're doing those tasks or even when you're not doing those tasks. That judgment that really zaps energy. And you may be afraid to be seen mid process. So as a result, you may delay your visibility, you may delay showing a draft to someone, you may avoid getting feedback along the process, and you stay isolated. You don't have the connection you would have if you were engaged more in that. Perfectionism is about wanting to present a perfect end product that attracts only praise with no room for improvement because it's perfect. And it means living in a kind of invisible fear that I have to do it. Well, this leads to really black and white thinking where it's either perfect or it's a failure. I mean, what a, what a conundrum, right? I have to get it perfect, which is pretty much impossible, or I'm a failure. I've had that thought so many times when I've been in that perfectionist mode. And it is extremely debilitating. It means you can't rest until you get it perfect. And there's no getting it perfect. So you don't get to rest. Yeah. And then of course, you're carrying a kind of quiet shame. If I was really capable, this wouldn't be so hard for me. Which is ironic because generally the only people that get caught in perfectionism are really capable people. So, I mean, come on, it's, it's what we can't see that is so amazing that we do do a really good job. And we're almost surprised to hear that when it gets reflected back to us. So the final thing that can happen is that you can end up doubting yourself, like, is this my sensitivity or is this weakness? Is this just high standards or is this self sabotage? And that doubt can make it even more confusing as you continue working on any project or not working on any project as it may be. So in the end, the result is the things you want to do end up on the table. You know, it's been 15 years. I still haven't completed that project. You may find that the connection you wanted to make with somebody slipped away while you were rethinking the best way to approach them. Or you may find that the peaceful life that you crave gets sacrificed for doing it right and doing it all. I mean, we need a peaceful life as highly sensitive people. And it's easy to forego that in the name of perfectionism. The other thing that can happen is as you delay, as you doubt, as you disappear, then someone else moves forward with just half of the effort and is able to do exactly what was needed. And then it's like, what? After all that I've been trying to do, someone else just jumps in. The thing is, perfectionism isn't excellence. It's a different thing. They're two different things. Perfectionism is fear in disguise. Fear that says, if I'm not flawless, I'm not worthy. So how do you get out of this? High standards are not bad. They come with the territory of being a highly sensitive person. We have high standards because we see how well things could be done, and we're capable of doing those things well. But high standards can become a prison when they're rooted in shame. And so we tend to internalize shame as highly sensitive people. You may have been told your sensitivity is something wrong with you, you're weak. There's something you know, come on, you're. You're too sensitive. But in reality, I believe that sensitivity makes us better. Better able to lead, better able to guide, better able to be creative. Perfectionism, though, is not a part of the HSP trade. And wanting and being able to do things well is great. But perfectionism is believing that I have to do that well or I'm a failure. And that is stress. That is stressful thinking that can be questioned, that can be eliminated so that you can actually do things well instead of just feeling bad that you should be doing things well. You don't need to work harder. You need to get out of your own way. And what I mean by that is get out of the way. Like, step aside from the thinking that holds you back. Your voice, in the end, matters. Even when it's imperfect progress. It beats doing things perfectly every time. And messy visibility will build your dream faster than perfect hiding ever will. So what if you didn't have to fix yourself to feel worthy of being seen? What if your perfectionism is just a sacred protector and there's another way to show up that honors your sensitivity and your ambition. You don't need to do more. You need a system and a support structure that makes room for your genius without the guilt and without the grind. So if you're constantly caught in the cycle of overthinking, overdoing and under recognizing your own brilliance and you don't want to keep being the most capable person that no one ever sees, I want you to know that you don't have to stay stuck. This is exactly why I created the HSP Inner Freedom program. It's for high functioning, highly sensitive people who are done being silent, stuck or sidelined by perfectionism. Go to the show notes or visit truinnerfreedom.com and book a free HSP inner freedom call with me. We'll talk through what's really holding you back and how I can help you finally feel seen without sacrificing your standards or your sanity. You don't have to carry this alone and you don't have to be perfect to make progress. Let's do it.