← Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
#357 | Why Highly Sensitive People Get Misunderstood as Overthinkers and How to Reclaim Your Depth
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By the end of this episode, you'll discover why your need for depth as an HSP can get misread by others and how to stop turning that pain into self doubt. In this episode, you'll discover why it hurts when your need for depth gets dismissed as drama or indecision or overthinking why your brain is wired for depth and meaning and not surface level speed and how to stay rooted in your depth without feeling alone or misunderstood. This is an edition of Strategy Fridays where we think about specific things you can do to help manage stress as a highly sensitive person. After my mother in law passed away last month, I asked my partner a philosophical question, something I've thought about for years. He didn't respond. From a bad place. He was actually very kind, but he couldn't meet me there. He ended up asking me why I was thinking so much. He was actually being compassionate. I see that too. But my experience was I felt alone and I told him that I always think like that, though I don't always share it. In the end, he did end up going deeper with me, but it reminded me of how easily we can be misunderstood as hsps. It can hurt when your need for depth gets dismissed as drama or indecision or overthinking. Here are a few examples of how this can show up, and you may recognize yourself in a few of these. For example, maybe you pause before responding. In a conversation, what you're doing is taking a moment to reflect and respond thoughtfully. But what they think is you're overanalyzing or why is this such a big deal? And of course they may not be thinking this as well, but this is a possibility and it's something that you may have run up against from time to time. Another example is maybe you want to talk about why you're doing like the, the reason why behind a decision that you're trying to make. You're trying to go deep to the real depth of, of the decision making. And so what you're doing is wanting to align with your values or make sure that it's meaningful, that it's connected, that it's going to last long term, that you're not going to regret it. All of those things. This is what we do as HSPs. But what the other people may think is that, you know, like they maybe just be like impatient, like, come on, just pick one already. You're making this harder than it is. Have you ever heard that kind of phrase? That's the kind of thing that can come back at us as Highly sensitive people, when we're really just trying to do something right the, the first time. Another example is maybe you circle back to a past conversation that still feels unresolved. And what you're trying to do is to understand what happened emotionally or relationally with the other person. But the other person may think something like, oh, you're overthinking it, come on, just move on. And this is that just lack of appreciation for the depth and the intention behind getting to the bottom of things, really resolving something that is our specialty as highly sensitive people. Another example is maybe you bring up a small moment that stuck with you emotionally and what you're doing in doing that is processing something deeper. Maybe it's just a micro expression or energetic shift, something that caught your attention and you want to process it. But if you bring this up to someone, they may think that that's not what I meant at all. They may start debating with you, arguing with you, oh, you're making something out of nothing. And this is where your intention to understand and to process may end up being missed by someone who's not used to thinking in this kind of way. It has a different nervous system, actually. Or maybe another situation is you ask questions that go beyond the surface and what you're doing is exploring deeper layers of meaning. You know, what does this say about how we relate? What does this mean? Looking for meaning, looking for depth. This is what we do. This is why we have the highly sensitive nervous system. It's why over the millennia this trait has continued to exist in nature in 15 to 20% of the population. Not just with us, but with different other animals and different species. So you're looking for depth and meaning when you're asking questions that go beyond the surface. But the other person may be thinking, why can't we just enjoy things without analyzing them? Because for the 80 to 85% of the population that doesn't have the HSP trait, this seems like not necessary too much for them. Just they love to enjoy a more simple way of thinking about things. So this mismatch is what we keep running up against again and again. Another example is maybe you hesitate before committing to something. And what you're doing as an HSP is internally checking for alignment and for energetic cost so that you don't over commit yourself because you've done that so many times, you don't want to make the same mistake again. But the other person may be thinking that you're being indecisive and they may put a pressure on you. Come on Just make up your mind, come on, why are you? Or they may feel hurt that you're taking so long to decide. Again, it's a mismatch. Another example would be you connect an event to a larger emotional or even a spiritual theme. And what you're doing as an HSP is integrating meaning across experiences. This is something that we excel at, it's something that we really enjoy and it helps us navigate in our world, connecting this whole area with that area and the insights from this piece of life connecting over to another piece of life. This is powerful for us and important for us. But then someone else hearing us may think that you're making this too heavy or you're just overthinking, or you're just being too much. So let's look at why your brain as a highly sensitive person is wired for depth and meaning and not for surface level speed. The first study that was done on this back in 2014 was by Acevedo, Aaron, Aaron, Sangster, Collins and Brown was titled the Highly Sensitive An FMRI Study of Sensory Processing Sensitivity, that's the HSP trait and response to others emotions. You can look this up. It's a scientific study. This study provided the first biological evidence for depth of processing in highly sensitive people. It shows that people high in the sensory processing sensitivity trait, HSP trait exhibit greater activation in brain regions involved in awareness, empathy and self other processing, especially in response to subtle emotional cues. It shows that people with the HSP trait show enhanced activation in the insula, the cingulate cortex and prefrontal areas consistent with deeper integration of emotional and social information. And HSPs react more strongly, not just to strong stimuli, but also to subtle and emotionally relevant details. This is what the evidence points to from this study and there have been other studies as well. It gives scientific backing to the idea that HSPs are not overthinking. Their brains are literally wired to process more deeply. This is why we are the way we are. And so there's nothing wrong with this. It's not overthinking, it's depth of processing. What looks like overthinking to others is often something very different for highly sensitive people. We call it depth of processing and it's one of the four core traits of the HSP nervous system. It's not a flaw, it's exactly how you're wired. So you're not just reacting to the surface of life as a sensitive person. You're tracking meaning, you're integrating emotion, you're noticing nuance and you're trying to understand because that's how your system feels safe, connected and whole. You are biologically wired to seek meaning, not just efficiency or outcomes like most people. And you're wired to integrate emotion with experience rather than pushing feelings aside. And you're wired to track subtle cues and body language and tone and emotional shifts. And you're wired to reflect on long term consequences, not just short term fixes. So while others may quickly move on or skip context or say don't overthink it, your system is doing something more layered. It's trying to make sense of the whole picture. And that is your gift. But without understanding this trait, especially in a fast paced world, it's easy to internalize the wrong message. And that message for many, many, many, many of us as highly sensitive people, is, there's something wrong with me. The truth is, others may skip across the surface, but you dive in. And while that can be tiring at times, it's also what allows you to notice beauty and complexity and depth that others completely miss. So how can you stay rooted in your depth without feeling alone or misunderstood? One of the most painful experiences for highly sensitive people is not the depth itself, but the feeling of being alone in it. When others call it overthinking, or when they interrupt your reflection with just let it go, or when they label your insight as drama or your thoughtfulness as excess, or your care as intensity, it's easy to turn against your own depth. But your depth is not the problem. Let's look at how to stay rooted in it and not get lost. First of all, I think it's important to recognize the difference between healthy depth and anxious spiraling. So a lot of people see us thinking and assume that we're spiraling in an anxious way, that there's stress going on, when in fact, in many cases we're actually doing just deep processing in a completely balanced way. But there's a difference. And if we can understand the difference, this can help us a lot. Because sometimes we are spiraling. And that is different than just being focusing on depth of processing. So healthy depth expands clarity, but anxious spiraling shrinks it. Healthy depth feels steady. You're kind of uncovering meaning and things click into place and your body will tend to soften and your breath will tend to flow. Anxious spiraling, on the other hand, feels tight and it feels repetitive and it feels draining. It's like you're caught on a loop. It's a stressful thought that you're obsessing on and getting caught on. You can't get out of it goes in circles instead of forward, and it creates pressure instead of peace. So a simple check in is, am I reflecting or am I looping? And you can let your breath be the signal. If it's open and calm, then chances are you're deepening. If it's shallow and constricted, then chances are you're spiraling. So knowing the difference can help you be the final judge on whether you're overthinking or not. If you notice that anxious spiraling, then yes, okay, that is overthinking. Now it's time to do some inner work and unhook yourself from that spiraling thought process. But if you're not, even if someone else says that you are, if you can see that in reality you're not spiraling, you're not anxious, you're not overthinking, then you get to be the final judge on that. And you can end up dismissing their judgment because it's not actually accurate. You are the ultimate authority on your own internal experience. Another thing that can help is to learn to stay with your inner clarity even when others don't follow. So you might have an insight into a situation, maybe relational dynamics or some future consequences, or some deeper emotional truths that others are missing entirely when they brush it off. It's easy to doubt yourself, but depth doesn't need to be echoed to be valid. Your clarity is still true even if others don't arrive there or don't arrive there yet. So this is where I love to question what other people are thinking, you know, and question my own needs around that so that I can stay grounded in what's true for me in my own experience, rather than in their opinions or their need to push in certain directions. I use the work of Byron Katie as a very powerful and elegant way to question stressful thoughts. And so you can try using that, for example, questioning the thought I need them to understand. Who would you, you know, who would you be without that thought? And is it really true? Like, explore turnarounds, Like, I need me to understand. If I really land in how I am experiencing some truth, seeing some future consequence, aware of some subtle thing, then isn't that enough for me to simply understand? And I need me to understand them that they're not highly sensitive, as a highly sensitive person, and they just don't get it. They can't get it. They. They're wired differently, just like we're wired differently. So there's nothing wrong with that either. Their job is a different job, but it doesn't make us wrong. And then another thing that can help is to share your depth with the right people. Not everyone can meet you there. Not every space is equipped to hold depth, and not every person is able to meet your vulnerability with care. It doesn't mean that you're too much. It just means that you need some discernment instead of self censorship. So you can just protect your energy by asking, is this the right person to hold what I want to share One of the most freeing things for me over time has been learning that I have a lot of people in my environment, a lot of friends, a lot of family members, different people that I know. And some people are perfect for sharing certain things with, and some people are perfect for sharing other things with. And of course it's no hard lines. But knowing this, that I don't have to share it with someone who is not able to go there with me prevents me from feeling as sad, or makes me from feeling alone, or prevents me from getting angry. And then finally, you can use reflection in a way that is in a way kind of the way it was meant to be used. The way it works best for everyone in a way is to use it with yourself. Primarily, of course, we reflect off of other people, but consider reflecting off of yourself. Reflect inside, give yourself space without connecting and checking with other people, which often carries this little flavor of of wanting their approval. Depth of processing is a superpower, and it allows us as highly sensitive people to weigh nuance, to feel what is unspoken, and to track subtle impact. So it is a gift to have this, and it is especially valuable in conflict resolution or emotional support or parenting or leadership or creativity. But it works best when it's grounded in your own center, not in trying to manage how others see you. A simple version of that is have you asked yourself? I love asking myself and waiting to see what actually comes up to meet that. Your depth is a finely tuned instrument, but like any instrument, it needs the right context to sing. Trying to explain your ocean to someone who doesn't know the ocean is often not that satisfying. But that doesn't mean that there isn't an ocean. You're seeing it, and that is more than enough. So the feeling I'm left with today is that there's nothing off about the way highly sensitive people make meaning and explore depth. The only thing that is really off is believing that we are off. In this episode, we looked at why it hurts when your need for depth gets dismissed as dramatic or indecision or overthinking why your brain is wired for depth and meaning, not surface level speed. And we looked at that research that shows that this is a physiological thing, not just psychological. And we looked at how to stay rooted in your depth without feeling alone and misunderstood. And that is by making your experience the most central reference point instead of making everyone else the reference point that you refer to. So thanks for listening. It's always great to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Join me next time for Breakthrough Mondays where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom. Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once? Take the HSP stress test@TrueInnerfreedom.com you'll also find a link in the show notes. The test will reveal your unique sensitivity profile, including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, emotions, social energy and more. You'll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity. Take the HSP Stress Test now. It's a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom.