← Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
Stress Management for Highly Sensitive People (HSP): Inner Work and Strategies for Coping with Stress, Overwhelm, and Negative Emotions
#364 | Why HSPs Beat Themselves Up About Money and How to Stop Feeling Ashamed
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By the end of this episode, you'll understand why even small money issues can spiral into shame for hsps, and how to finally break that pattern. In this episode, you'll discover why even small money issues can spiral into shame for HSPs. The hidden beliefs that make financial stress feel like a personal flaw. And how to separate your self worth from finances so you can finally feel lighter. This is an edition of Breakthrough Mondays, where I share success stories and helpful insights for highly sensitive people on the path towards inner freedom. You look at your bank account or a bill or a month that didn't go the way you had hoped. Nothing catastrophic has happened, but something in your chest tightens. For many people, money problems stay practical. They're just another problem to solve for many people. But for highly sensitive people, they often become personal. We don't just think I need to adjust something. We think I should be better at this. Or we ask why am I behind? What's wrong with me? Because we don't just process events as highly sensitive people, we process meaning. And money is loaded with meaning. Safety, responsibility, independence, being competent, being equal in a relationship, being a capable adult. These are all the kinds of meanings that often are associated with money and that we look at and pay attention to and end up feeling like there's something wrong with us when we don't earn as much money as other people. So when money feels unstable, your nervous system doesn't hear, oh, there's a financial puzzle to solve here. It hears my safety and my worth are at risk. And that's why even small money friction can spiral into shame. It's not that we're bad with money. As highly sensitive people, in some ways we're more capable of of managing and thinking strategically about money than anyone. But the problem is, is that we can easily attach identity to the responsibility that we see what money means regarding responsibility and we care deeply about being responsible. So it's easy for any ups and downs of money to feel personal and as a reflection about ourselves. Underneath this shame are beliefs that most HSPs never consciously question. Beliefs like if I don't earn enough, then I'm behind, or if my partner earns more than I do, then I'm less than very subtle. We would almost not admit to these kinds of beliefs. But if you look and pay attention to the emotions that are running, emotions don't lie and they often are carrying thoughts like this. Thoughts like, if I struggle financially, it means that I'm irresponsible or I'm a failure if I'm not profitable yet, then I'm not safe. Or I need to prove that I can function in the real world. Notice what these beliefs have in common. They're not about numbers. They're about worth. And here's where comparison quietly enters. Highly sensitive people are deeply relational. We pay attention to others in our environment, in our world, and we care deeply about them. So what we end up doing is tracking the unspoken standards in our environment. Standards about money that are just present, ever present in our society. We absorb expectations from others, maybe parents, maybe spouses, maybe friends, maybe brothers and sisters. We measure ourselves against others because we, as highly sensitive people, care about others and we value connection with them. And so we sometimes cross over without even realizing it and start wearing someone else's values. We take them on as if they're our own, without actually checking if there are, if they are our values or not. It's like putting on someone else's prescription lenses. At first, you don't know anything's wrong. You just feel some strain because the glasses aren't right for you and you start squinting and you try harder and you assume your vision is the problem, but the distortion is coming from the lenses, not coming from your eyes. For me, for example, I've never cared much about money for its own sake since I was young. It just wasn't one of my core values I cared about. Meaning I've cared about contribution, I've cared about spiritual growth. But I ended up adopting the belief that I should earn more, like my partner does when we got together 20, 25 years ago. And the idea was in order to be equal, in order to kind of prove myself that I can be a real person in the real world. And I took on that belief that I need to earn more, earn as much. And it brought me out of touch with my real core values, which are running the show. So I started competing in a game that I never actually chose, or at least not consciously. And when I couldn't match that standard, I felt ashamed. The shame was not about money. It was about misalignment. In reality, when you evaluate yourself through someone else's prescription, you will always feel slightly wrong. Shame often signals that you are judging yourself through borrowed lenses. So how do you separate your self worth from your finances? The next time money shame arises, pause for a second. Don't argue with it, question it. Ask, what am I making this mean about me? And listen. Then ask, is it true that my worth depends on this number? Is it true that I'm unsafe unless I earn more? Is it True. Whatever it is that you think it means about you, that you're making or not making a certain amount of money, each person will have a different belief. And each situation may have a different belief. Pay attention. Just ask, what is it that I'm making this mean? And listen and write that thought down and actually question it. And ask yourself, whose standard are you using right now with regards to money? Is it your standard or is it someone else's standard? That question alone can change everything. When I questioned the belief I'm not safe until I'm profitable and debt free, something softened. I realized I had confused income with identity. Safety for me has never come from numbers. It has come from alignment, from being myself. And when I return to my own values, I feel steady. I've always known that money was not my main objective here. And so you can go quickly to the other extreme and go, well, maybe I should just forget about money completely. And you know, in my case, go back to the ashram, live a quiet life. And I can see the value in that. But something also calls me to be in the world and to find the balance point. And what I notice when I'm questioning my thoughts about money is that I can still participate in the financial world. I can still earn, I can still improve. But money doesn't get to define me. Once I question my identity, this is what I need to be focused on. Money is all important. When I question that and that not making money means something about me, then my focus goes away from money. This is not all or nothing thinking. It doesn't mean that I'm forgetting about money completely. It's just not my central focus. And not making money, your identity, doesn't mean that you have to reject it. You can still play the game. You just don't have to let the scoreboard measure who you are and what it means about you. Money's just a tool. It's not a verdict. And when you stop wearing someone else's prescription, the strain goes away. And when you stop confusing finances with worth, then shame loosens. You begin making money decisions from clarity instead of self attack. And that feels later. Your bank account may never change, but the difference is it no longer has to, because your identity is no longer on trial. So the feeling I'm left with today is that chasing money has never been our primary objective. As highly sensitive people. It only becomes a problem when we think we should earn more, often to gain respect from other people. When we align more deeply with our own values, the ones that actually mean something to ourselves, we become less dependent on creating or maintaining a false identity based on money, and we become freer to be ourselves and let money play a secondary role. In this episode we looked at why even small money issues can spiral into shame for hsps. And it's because we as hsp's look for meaning in everything that we experience. And so we look for meaning in money. And for many people, money means worth. And so we adopt that value. We take it on and make it as if it's our own value, when often it actually isn't. And then we think that we're not worth what others are who earn more. We also looked at the hidden beliefs that make financial stress feel like a personal flaw. Things like if I earn less than I am less. And there can be any number of different kinds of beliefs. All you have to do is listen to the stress inside of you and pay attention to what thoughts are connected to that stress. That will show you exactly what those beliefs are that are holding up this structure of stress and identity around money. And finally we looked at how to separate your self worth from your finances so you can finally feel lighter. And it is to question these beliefs. Just noticing them is helpful. You know, I'm not safe or I need more, or I need to earn more, or I need to catch up any of these things. Just seeing them can be somewhat freeing. But if you systematically go through and question these using a method like the work of Byron Katie, you can often really free yourself from it. And then the whole idea of this money being a trap that catches me starts to disappear. So thanks for listening. It's always great to explore with you. This program comes out three times a week on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Join me next time for Self Compassion Wednesdays, where we dive deeper into understanding ourselves as highly sensitive people by exploring the unique traits that shape our experience. Tired of feeling overwhelmed by everything all at once? Take the HSP stress test@truinnerfreedom.com you'll also find a link in the show notes. The test will reveal your unique sensitivity profile, including how your nervous system naturally responds to stimulation, emotions, social energy and more. You'll also gain a clearer picture of how stress might be amplifying that sensitivity. Take the HSP Stress Test now. It's a powerful first step on your journey to true inner freedom.