Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 313 5/24/26

Summary

Sunday Papers: Mike Walks Off the Golf Course + Chelsea Handler Roast Fallout

Episode Summary – Sunday Papers with Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons
Release Date: May 24, 2026

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Episode Overview

This week on Sunday Papers, Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons serve up their signature blend of news, comedy, and personal stories. The episode kicks off with Mike’s meltdown on the golf course and pivots into a heated and incisive breakdown of the Chelsea Handler Roast aftermath, including her media tour and criticism of Comedy Central’s new roast culture. The hosts also riff on everything from Hooters’ family-friendly rebrand, to botched executions, nostalgia for the '80s, late-night TV turbulence, and listener letters about linguistics and personal finance. True to form, the conversation careens between pointed social commentary, hilariously candid personal confessions, and relentless banter.

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

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1. The Last Days of CBS Radio and TV (01:41–04:20)

• CBS News Radio ends after nearly 100 years.
  • “[CBS] started in 1927. One year short of a hundred years. Oh, my God.” (03:00, Greg)
• The collapse of traditional media—Colbert’s late show ends, skepticism about the future of late night and “60 Minutes.”
  • “60 Minutes is completely neutered. It's unwatchable.” (02:55, Greg)

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2. Mike Walks Off the Golf Course (03:19–06:03)

• Mike’s golf game derails due to a bad mood, culminating in walking off after five holes.
  • “It was like a little child having a tantrum at the playground.” (04:31, Greg)
• Discussion about how small failures can spiral when you’re already in a bad place.

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3. The Chelsea Handler Roast Fallout (06:03–13:22)

• Chelsea Handler’s post-roast complaints dominate the rest of the episode.
• Mike critiques Handler’s set for being “illogical and mean spirited,” aimed heavily at Shane Gillis and Tony Hinchcliffe:
  • “Chelsea, as she will tell you… wrote her own set, right?... She really had it out for Tony and Shane. She did. She opened with seven jokes on Shane. Later she did eight on Tony.” (07:47, Mike)
  • “She'll just say things that aren't really jokes. She'll say things that make no sense... But she does it with attitude.” (09:06, Mike)
• Greg argues Handler was coming from a place of political anger, not comedy:
  • “She’s looking at this disaster of the Trump presidency... and there’s an argument that these podcasters did have a hand in that. Is it factual? No. Was it that funny? No.” (11:34, Greg)
• The hosts agree: hit hard if you want, “but make your jokes make sense.”
• Memorable: Discussion of whether comedians have to make their set logically coherent, especially at a roast.

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4. Retirement Gloom and Becker’s Money Moves (13:36–15:55)

• Greg contemplates retirement after a slow comedy week and a thrown out back; checks Social Security, WGA pension, investments, and concludes: “I didn't like my week in retirement... I was fucking depressed. I was bored.” (13:38)
• Mike switches internet providers to save money, accidentally disrupts the podcast.

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5. Listener Corrections and Callbacks (19:01–20:28)

• Corrections on previous show flubs (e.g., Sarah Silverman's show wasn't a sketch show; “Heated Rivalry” is an HBO series, not a movie; “antivirus” vs. “vaccine”).
• “Well, look, my pants are not usually around my ankles during a TV series.” (19:58, Greg, riffing on porno confusion)

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6. Mike’s Weight Loss and the Science of Restriction (21:21–22:44)

• Mike cracks on the absurdity of LA diet fads and admits his own weight loss secret: “It was mostly self-loathing. I find that burns a lot of calories.” (21:58, Mike)
• Greg jokes about monetizing Mike’s self-loathing as a weight loss product.

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7. Trump’s Never-Ending Product Line (28:33–32:50)

• Kitschy Trump merch: watches that say “RUMP,” undelivered Trump phones, “inspired by the USA” manufacturing.
  • “It was going to be made in the USA... then it was ‘assembled in the USA’... then ‘inspired by the USA.’” (31:31, Mike)
• Greg and Mike parody Trump’s product-first presidency:
  • “How about these products? How about some government services?” (31:50, Mike)

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8. Hooters Family Friendly?! (32:55–36:32)

• Bizarre attempts to “rehooterize” the brand by making it more family oriented, juxtaposed against its bikini-clad legacy.
  • “A place for high school cheerleaders to transition into strippers and eventually OnlyFans models. That’s the core identity.” (34:41, Greg)

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9. The Fumbled Execution in Tennessee (36:56–40:47)

• Gov’t can’t find a vein for lethal injection—guy gets a year reprieve.
  • “You’re literally in a building full of murderers, and you can’t kill a guy.” (38:41, Greg)
• Discussion on the bizarre/inept US execution history; stories of electric chairs going awry, firing squads with blanks, and routine botches.

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10. Listener Letters: Ethics Edition (41:02–46:30)

• Should you take away a partner’s gun if they “could not resist firing it” at home?
  • “Was I wrong to shoot her?” (42:04, Mike, riffing on escalation)
• “I think someone is living in the storage unit next to mine. What should I do?” (43:57)
  • Greg: “Unless there’s a smell... or they’re urinating and it’s going through the wall, I don’t think it’s any of your business. Unless you want to help them—go buy them a meal.” (44:16)

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11. Nostalgic Rant: The Lost ’80s (46:30–47:45)

• Sentimental trip down memory lane—record albums, lyrics sheets, “seeding” marijuana, the simplicity of mall culture, and slow technological times.
  • “It was so much simpler.” (47:23, Greg)

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12. Late Night TV is Dead(?) (47:54–51:46)

• Trump celebrates Colbert’s exit (“No talent, no ratings, no life. He was like a dead person.” (48:43, Trump via Greg))
• Debate over late-night’s future, Colbert’s over-earnestness, and SNL’s “weirdo” Jane Wickline.
• Greg shares his “Nepo Baby” perspective, with a personal story about Jane’s comedy writer dad.

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13. Make America Florida / Texas Again (53:54–59:48)

• Florida: Billboard campaign to “de-program” former MAGA fans.
• Texas: Man drives Tesla Cybertruck into a lake attempting “Wade Mode,” floods it.
  • “Who would think that an electric car wouldn’t do well in water?” (59:21, Greg)

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14. Sports & This Day in History (61:02–68:38)

• NYC nabs 1k cheap World Cup tickets—New Jersey whines.
• Zoran Mamdani’s lefty municipal experiments.
• History quiz: Sherlock Holmes’ author, Johnny Carson’s last show, when was the Shining released, Bonnie & Clyde’s demise, Bob Dylan’s birthday (Greg nails it: “1941!” (68:35)).

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15. Fun with Listener Letters (69:01–70:57)

• Linguistics: “Diarrhea” etymology, clever mnemonics (“Dude, I Actually Really Really Have Explosive Ass”).
  • “I'm going to try that. You're really trying to convey that it's happening, actually. Really? Really.” (70:57, Mike)

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16. Obituary: Barney Frank (71:25–74:48)

• Tribute to the influential gay Massachusetts congressman—witty, progressive, trailblazer, and friend to comic writers.
  • “He was so goddamn witty and funny. And he was cute, too.” (72:10, Mike)

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17. The Funnies (75:23–81:12)

• Winner of the weekly caption contest, Hagar the Horrible’s dirty underwear, and marital woes in the Lockhorns and Blondie strips.
• Closing banter: “The light is green. And the bunghole is pink and the hair is yellow.” (81:12, Greg, Blondie riff)

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Memorable Quotes

• “It was mostly self-loathing. I find that burns a lot of calories.” (21:58, Mike on his weight loss method)
• “Chelsea Handler, why is anyone listening to an uneducated Miss Teen New Jersey’s opinions on anything, including comedy?” (10:53, Mike—on Handler’s post-roast antics)
• “You’re literally in a building full of murderers, and you can’t kill a guy.” (38:41, Greg on failed executions)
• “A place for high school cheerleaders to transition into strippers and eventually OnlyFans models. That’s the core identity.” (34:41, Greg on Hooters’s family-friendly rebrand)

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

Unapologetically candid. The hosts deftly balance genuine frustration over the state of media, culture, and government with biting humor and self-deprecation. Their dynamic swings between acerbic political satire, personal vulnerability (Mike’s golf and mood struggles; Greg’s retirement depression), and long, inside-baseball comedy takes (roast culture, SNL, late night, etc). The episode is full of rapid-fire tangents, zingers, and a deep familiarity with both each other and the modern comedy scene.

For Listeners Who Missed It:
This episode is packed with sharp cultural insights and classic Fitzsimmons-Gibbons camaraderie, touching on comedy drama, midlife malaise, the absurdity of American institutions, and the minutiae of middle-aged life. It’s an hour-and-a-half masterclass in news satire, delivered in the irreverent, riff-heavy style Sunday Papers fans expect.

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Jump To:

• CBS Radio/Media Collapse
• Mike Walks Off Golf Course
• Chelsea Handler Roast Fallout
• Listener Corrections
• Trump Products
• Hooters Reboot
• Execution Botches
• Ethical Quandaries & Listener Letters
• 80s Nostalgia
• Late Night TV/Colbert
• Sports & NYC/NJ World Cup
• History Quiz
• Obits & Funnies

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Next Week:
Greg hits Laugh Boston and other east coast venues.
Send captions and corrections to [e-mail]
Sponsors: hims.com/papers | rocketmoney.com/papers

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

Read all about it. Read all about it. The last news media left. CBS radio has been canceled, is no longer airing after a hundred years thing.

[B]

Unbelievable.

[C]

How long do you think CBS radio was on the air?

[B]

Was it? This is CBS News. It's like at the top of the hour on all these.

[C]

CBS. CBS.

[B]

Oh, look it up. A lot.

[C]

For 100 years. Almost 100 years.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. Unbelievable. It started. It started in 1927. One year short of a hundred years. Oh, my God.

[B]

Today. Well, maybe it's 100 if you count 27. And now it's 26. You know, 20 years in business and today's Friday. Last night was the last. Colbert.

[C]

Colbert's off the air. CBS News is off the air. How long do they. Kimmel will last? They're.

[B]

They're gone in Colbert. Cbs. But that's the. The Late show, you know, that Letterman started. So that's 30 years or whatever it is.

[C]

60 minutes is completely neutered. It's unwatchable.

[B]

And I don't know, I still think they're doing good stuff. And they're fighting.

[C]

Yeah, but you can't trust it. You can't trust it, right?

[B]

Not, not 100% anymore. No.

[C]

90. So what's going on? You got a little bee in your bonnet coming in today?

[B]

Yeah. Well, you're referring to our golf this morning.

[C]

Well, well, yeah. We can start there and then we'll get it to the other be in your bonnet. Yeah. You came out, you played horrible. You had this. You had this weird swing where you barely followed through.

[B]

And that's my swing, so, yes, I have a weird swing.

[C]

No, it was way different today. You were doing something different.

[B]

It's golf talk, but you know, anything. Maybe it's relatable. I was kind of in a bad mood anyway. I didn't sleep in a bad place. And so then you do something. So it doesn't matter. I'm gonna make this bigger than golf. So then you, like, go do something and you. You suck at it. And it just, it almost like, I don't know if it was self fulfilling or. It validates in a. In a very negative way. You're already bad mood or seals it or cements it, however you want to say it. It's just now doubled up and yeah,

[C]

golf will do that to you.

[B]

And I literally thought, I mean, it was friendly game and I. And you know, it was. Four of us were out there and I was like, I'm out. I mean, the fifth hole comes.

[C]

You walked off the course on the fifth hole. It was, it was like a little child having a tantrum at the playground.

[B]

It was a. On the way home, I'm like, all right, let me try to separate this from ego, which is incredibly. That's why everyone's. A lot of people love hallucinogenics. It does that for you. And it's very, very hard to separate, like, what was ego or what was me kind of doing the best thing. Also, keep in mind, I didn't just hit a bad shot and storm off. That hole is the closest hole to the park parking lot. And we finished the hole and I said, guys, you know, I think I'm gonna head in. So it wasn't.

[C]

Guess what, you missed. Guess what you missed on the ninth hole. A fucking. A giant coyote walked across the fairway, like walked across, ears back, went into a sand trap and was hiding because there was a giant black crow and his body lengthened up and then. And then another crow went. And the first crow fucking took off. And then the coyote made a move

[B]

to where it's a fenced in tiny.

[C]

I Have no idea where the fucking coyote lives. Because this is an urban golf course. It's in a city. There's no woods around.

[B]

I would have stayed for that.

[C]

Yeah, it was pretty cool. I got some video of it.

[B]

I would have welcomed it. Latching onto my jugular on my walk to my car, that's for sure.

[C]

And he had. He had an Acme dynamite box with them, which was crazy. So, anyway, so the real thing you're annoyed about. Let's get to the real thing at the base of what you're so annoyed.

[B]

Oh, no, I'm not that annoyed. I just, you know.

[C]

But you got to play it up. It's good for the ratings.

[B]

Oh, all right. But I think listeners who know me know, like, it's. I'm not gonna get that bothered by it. In fact, my sort of a great example of how I should be is how Shane Gillis is. It's about. Chelsea Handler is on this publicity tour, basically bad mouthing the roast and talking about how it made her uncomfortable and this. And like, Shane Gillis then tweets, this is a big moment for Chelsea. I'm glad she's capitalizing. And then he goes, good for her. We're all rooting for her. Anyway, come see me July 17th at the Football stadium in Philly, Because he's just crushing it.

[C]

Hilarious. Well, look, you know, she said, I mean, the roast. The roast has changed. And she's kind of looking at it through the lens of what the old roasts were, which were a little more gentle. I mean, ever since they started on Comedy Central with, you know, when it was the Friars Club roast, which was going back to, like, the early aughts, like late 90s early aughts.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There still was a sense of camaraderie, and. And it was a little. It had a little more class, and now it's just a fucking MMA fight.

[B]

Well, here's the thing, and I have to be careful of what I say because of my position and what maybe could only be known to me. But Chelsea, as she will tell you and maybe has. Is like, you know, wrote her own set, right? You know, maybe with some resources or whatever. But she. She. The room did not write her set, and she. She comes out, and I think it's very obvious to anyone that saw the Rose, she really had it out for Tony and Shane. She did. She opened with seven jokes on Shane. Later she did eight on Tony. And it didn't stop there. She then did some weird jokes that were about, like, the deist being pedophiles. And maga, like, basically getting Donald Trump elected and all. And meanwhile, the whole dais is there. So listen, the thing with Chelsea Handler is, and I think this is. This is very objective also, not subjective. She never lets, like, humor or truth or logic get in the way of her jokes. She'll just say things that aren't really jokes. She'll say things that make no sense. But.

[C]

But like what?

[B]

She does it with attitude. So she's like, congratulations, you welcome tonight's episode of To Catch a Predator. Okay, keep in mind, this is the Deus Naim Lynn, Draymond Green, Pete Davidson, Cheryl Underwood, Big J Okerson. Like, Kevin Hart's there. So this is To Catch a Predator. This is the real who's who of statutory rapists. We're just lucky you can't afford an island. So then she goes, and again, keep in mind, she's really talking to Tony and Shane because she goes, congratulations, you guys. You did it. You helped get Donald Trump elected. Way to go. I mean, this is. I mean, Pete Davidson. No. Draymond Green? No. Naeem Lynn. No. Cheryl Underwood. No. Jeff Ross is a liberal. Big J Okerson. I don't even know what his political thing is. And she goes, but now your favorite leader is making the draft mandatory. I assume that all of you will be signing up to go fight in Iran? Or do you tough talking pussies only go to the Middle east for comedy festivals? Okay, Chelsea, first of all, they're all. They can't be drafted. Like, whatever, I'll let that one go. Who cares that her joke doesn't make sense? But if your targets are Tony and Shane, both of them didn't go to the comedy festival. Your friend, your greatest friend, Kevin Hart went.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Pete Davidson went.

[C]

Who?

[B]

Pete Davidson. Three more sentences later, you said is the least problematic guy up here. So which is it, Chelsea?

[C]

Yeah. Interesting.

[B]

It's.

[C]

Well, I mean, on the other side, but.

[B]

And also here, the last thing I'll say. Why is anyone. I mean, she's been told this before, but, like, you cannot talk. You cannot. You can say no comment or you don't have to say things. Chelsea Handler, why? And why is anyone listening to an uneducated Miss Teen New Jersey's opinions on anything, including comedy? Why on Black Lives Matter are you a constant, just voice in the mix? Why on any issue that comes up politics? It's crazy to me.

[C]

Well, I think. I think where she's coming from is she's looking at this disaster of the Trump presidency and its ramifications on our country, on the Constitution, on our future. And she's looking at anybody that enabled that. And there's an argument that they were enabled that, you know, that these podcasters did have a hand in that. And she's a very political person, so she's coming out swinging about that. Is it factual? No. Was it that funny? No. But I get where she's coming from. If that's. If that's how you believe about. If that's what you believe about Trump, then there is anger behind people that had a platform that helped that election happen.

[B]

I know, but jokes have to work. Like, if you're upset at Epstein island and you come into the Tom Brady roast and more. Three quarters of your set is about. Everyone's like, read what room do you think you're in?

[C]

Right.

[B]

That's not what this is about. And I went like, sure, make some jokes. And by the way, hit Tony and Shane, like, as much as you want, but make your jokes make sense.

[C]

Right. All right.

[B]

A good joke has to work. These don't work.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And this is. It's not a personal thing. It's like, I. And, you know, I think her energy and all that, I think she. She didn't bomb or do, like, do badly. It's just. It's now when you're going out on this sort of speaking tour and showing up wherever anyone will have a microphone for you, like, and. And badmouthing it all, it's like, that's. That's, I guess what's gotten me to look back and be like, wait, let's look at what you did there. It doesn't make any sense.

[C]

Yeah, I have some comments off the air that I'll. That I'll have to make. There's so much to be said behind the scenes about it all, but I think it's better left unsaid. Can I talk about my week a little bit?

[B]

I'd love it.

[C]

I can't. I can't talk about my week because I didn't have a week. My back went out on Monday, and I was supposed to play golf a couple times, which I was really looking forward to. Good groups of guys. And then I didn't get many spots at the clubs this week at all. It was a very slow week. Some weeks I get every single show that I asked to be on at every club I get on this week. I. I don't know. Segura was in town. There was a lot of people in town. I just sort of didn't get on many shows. And so I was sitting around and I was like, fuck, man. This is what it's like to be retired. You know? And I always fantasize about getting retired. Cause I just turned 60. And so I just checked my Social Security payouts for the first time online. I called the Writers Guild to see what my pension is online. I. I looked at my stocks. I had a meeting with my stock broker about when I can retire and how much money I'll have coming. And is like, is that what I'm looking at? I mean. Cause I didn't like it. I didn't like my week in retirement this week. I was fucking depressed. I was bored. I was antsy. All right, so we're back. I was in the middle of a rant about not wanting to be retired. And then you, the cheapest motherfucker I've ever met, just switched your Internet to T mobile. What did you save, $9?

[B]

No, but there's a special feature that filters out just bullshit that I don't want to hear. So it just shut you off in the middle of your retirement wars.

[C]

How. How much money did you save switching your Internet provider when you do a podcast every week?

[B]

No, I. I thought this might be better. It was. It started because. Yes, my frontier has doubled the price of WI fi since I originally got it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And anyway, but this. This thing where you put a box in the window and it gives you wi fi. 3 through cellular service is not working out. Although I'm glad I missed your story.

[C]

I was on a roll.

[B]

Well, keep. Keep it. And then we'll decide where the funny edit point is to come.

[C]

Now let's get. Let's get to it. The logo this week comes from Jane S. We love Jane S. Close friend of the show.

[B]

Tulsi Rant. Go ahead.

[C]

Does logos. She does comic captions.

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

I believe she's done music.

[B]

We might.

[C]

Whatever.

[B]

My card's full, apparently.

[C]

Unbelievable.

[B]

We have to. All right. We're not back yet. We're not back from the interruption. What a disaster.

[C]

I would like to thank Jane S. Who is a frequent contributor and good friend of the show. She did this week's logo. It is us from the show Shining.

[B]

Look at us.

[C]

Spooky.

[B]

Was it room 327 down the hallway?

[C]

I think it was 327.

[B]

And there's a documentary called that I Believe.

[C]

Yeah. And song. Ryan Impink did this week's song. This is second or third time he's done one for us. Is raw. Kind of what we're looking for. If you Want to make a song? Send it into Fitz dog [e-mail]. we're not looking for the fucking, you know, Bittersweet Symphony here. Just something. Something fun, something original. No covers. We don't do covers. We can't because of the algorithm. And why do we care about the algorithm?

[B]

Why do we.

[C]

I got a little echo going, Matt. I get a little echo going in my headphones.

[B]

Should we review what a comedy of errors today's production has been and it's all our fault.

[C]

You have your headphones plugged in, right?

[B]

My headphones are in. And you're sounding normal and natural.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Just for the listeners. My SD card on our little recorders here. All of a sudden, I look down and it's not recording because it was full. And we had to take a giant timeout, never mind my Internet connection.

[C]

So we don't know where it dropped out. This is going to be a little bit of a clunky podcast, but we got some good stories. We also got some crazy.

[B]

None of my Chelsea Handler stuff made it through.

[C]

That's all I hope Rich McCabe said, Great show. But the dressing room scandal you may be thinking of is our convicted felon president who sexually assaulted E. Jean Carroll in a dressing room at a Bergdorf Goodman in New York City. You don't have to say, allegedly he was convicted. And then somebody else said, if you played board games, it was Trump in the dressing room with the sexual assaults. While his penalty was $5 million. His repeated calling EG and Carol a liar after conviction called cost him $88 million for defamation.

[B]

Well, maybe he's the victim of that, so he'll collect some of his own money that he's put aside now.

[C]

Oh, right.

[B]

For the weaponization.

[C]

Okay. And then Mark G. Had a number of things to point out. He's like you said, Sarah Silverman had a sketch comedy show on Comedy Central. The Sarah Silverman program was a sitcom. Come on, writer. And he is right. But it did feel like a sketch show. It felt like a series of sketches that were slightly held together by some. Some tendons of.

[B]

Now you're acting like Trump. You were, like, found guilty of that, of that fact, and now you're badmouthing the decision.

[C]

He also said you were making a joke about Republicans watching the movie. Heated rivalry. It's a series on hbo, not a movie.

[B]

But, Greg, it felt like a movie.

[C]

Well, look, my pants are not usually around my ankles during a TV series.

[B]

It's a good point.

[C]

And then he said, also, you kept talking about Antivirus. And whether there was an antivirus, the word you were looking for was vaccine. Who says antivirus? Okay. And the makers of COVID vaccine, you guessed Merck. It was Moderna and Pfizer. And then the poor man's was Johnson and Johnson.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

Okay, well, crazy week.

[B]

I think those were all pointed at you. I might have said anti. I don't think so.

[C]

Now, that was me. I was anti Vax. I was way off last week. Next week, though, I'm gonna be right on at the Laugh Boston Comedy Club. May 29th and 30th, Rochester, New Hampshire, at the Opera House, June 5th. Agunkwit, Maine, at Jonathan's on June 6th, Huntington beach at Mamba, July 12th. All set dates coming up at Cincinnati and Columbus this summer. Go to fitzdog.com for tickets. Come out and say hi. Also, shout out to Gotham Productions, our studio, who does an amazing job. Very patient with us.

[B]

Yes. Especially today.

[C]

Do you want to talk about your weight loss, Mike?

[B]

Oh, boy, do I. Man. You know what's frustrating about weight loss for everybody? You suddenly become a scientist. One guy's like, cut carbs and others, like, fast for 16 hours. We see this all the time in LA especially. Are you kidding me? People are just drinking, like, lemonade for two or three weeks. It's crazy.

[C]

What was your. What was your solution when you lost the weight? What did you do?

[B]

Me?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What kind of question is this? Are you asking me for real? Are we in this?

[C]

No, for real, for real. You lost some weight in the last couple years.

[B]

I. It was mostly self loathing. I find that burns a lot of calories.

[C]

We should sell that. We should be sponsors of your self love. You can call people and shame them into losing weight.

[B]

There's an easier way, which is what we're going to get to. Olivia and her friend just came to my house. They're like, dad, you have nothing here. And then Olivia, like, literally, like, kind of just like sort of confronts me and is like, what do you eat? And I go, well, that keeps me from, like, eating a lot, but I have a lot of frozen stuff and stuff in the pantry in cans. And I realize as I'm talking to her, she's the poor girl, like, oh, my God, my dad lives in a bunker. That's basically what's going on.

[C]

Well, if you want to lose weight the right way, we have some friends that you need to talk to. It's hims.com and what they do is they have an ax. They give you access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill at its lowest price ever and the Wegovy pen. The pill or the pen, either one,

[B]

you lose up to 20% or more of your body weight when combined with diet and exercise. It regulates your appetite. That's the big thing. And it helps you eat less. Very much easier way than me eating less by depriving myself and not shopping. And it's really into thinking. The Wegovy pill is the first ever and only GLP1 available in a pill for weight loss. So there are no needles involved.

[C]

Well, it's all online. It's super easy to do. You connect with a licensed provider who determines whether treatment is right for you and if prescribed medication gets delivered right to your door. No insurance. You don't need no insurance. Plus they've got lifestyle support inside the app with nutrition guidance, recipes, meal plans, fitness content. It's a whole thing. And access your whole care team.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

Ready to reach your goals? Visit himss.compapers to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you. That's h I m s.com papers himss.com papers based on advertised cash price for 30 days supply, medication only, membership required, fee not included and billed separately. Weight loss by HIMS is not available in all 50 states. WeGovy is the register trademark of Novo Nordisk. As to get started and learn more, including important safety information, WeGovy clinical study information and restrictions, visit hims.com all right, that was pretty good.

[B]

You called me. You just called me frugal. And here we are with Rocket Money. This is what I need. It's amazing. Maybe, you know, it's kind of part of my decision with this cheaper Internet. And I should be looking. It's a good example. I should be looking at the bigger fish to fry in terms of me saving money and Rocket Money. You open your account, suddenly there are little charges everywhere. A coffee here, random online purchase there, a subscription you forgot existed. I have like six of those. That's Rocket Money. It gives you a clearer picture of everything happening financially in one place you can track.

[C]

I literally, I literally look at like Paramount plus and I go, I did not have any idea. I have not watched a show in three years on Paramount plus and I've been paying 12 bucks a month or whatever it is. And I've got about. I've got about a dozen. I've got audible.com that I don't use anymore. I plugged into Rocket Money. Let me tell you something. I probably saved $190 altogether. With the everything I canceled, here's my

[B]

popular move that a lot of people can relate to. I pay for Hulu twice because it's packaged in one. Maybe with Disney and espn, I can't even keep track.

[C]

Well, it categorizes transactions, transactions across accounts so you can see the pattern. Sometimes you're thinking, and it's not just about subscriptions, about your spending. It's, it gives you a, a bird's eye view and you can kind of look at things differently. You find out that your quick little purchases, they become a category of themselves. This way you set up budgets, financial goals, get alerts for large purchases, upcoming bills, low balances. You can track your checking, savings, investments, all in one dashboard.

[B]

There it is.

[C]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that, that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Papers that's RocketMoney.com Papers RocketMoney.com Papers

[B]

Speaking of papers, I missed the handoff there. You wanted me to read that last part, but I'm, I'm going to let you write twice because you have the stronger voice. I'm about to, I'm about to take the voice coaching or that you're taking.

[C]

Mikey Fitzgibbon hooked us up. I, the problem is like I'll fly to Atlanta on a Friday, cross country, dry air, hit the ground. Three hours later, I'm on stage and I'm doing two one hour shows. And by the end of the second show, I have no, I've literally lost my voice on stage. And so, so we got this voice coach now who's amazing and DM me. If you're looking for a voice coach and I'll give you his info, he got. Yeah.

[B]

What does gay guy have to do with it?

[C]

Oh, are you kidding me? There is nothing more nourishing. You feel heard with the gay guy. You know, like he comes from theater. I think he was on Broadway, sings opera. And he's the kind of guy that you, you can gossip with, but when it gets time for work, he gets down to it.

[B]

Oh, great. Cut to a month from now. That's the Sunday papers. Read all about it.

[C]

And you're like, I love it, I love it. What can I crinkle?

[B]

Where's the fabulous front page? All clear from your diet, from your gay diaphragm. All right, front page, Here we go. Mr. Trump has launched 622 products since the start of his second term.

[C]

That's not possible. Is that right?

[B]

In 2017, the Trump Organization launched an official retail website, TrumpStore.com which sell. Shocking. His name's in it. Which sells Trump branded merchandise from the President's famous Make America Great Again hats to T shirts, glassware, and more. The store even sells products that reference an unconstitutional third presidential term for Trump, such as a Four More Years hat, Trump 2028 merch, and a Trump 2028 parentheses rewrite the rules T shirt. Unbelievable.

[C]

Here's where we get into trouble, okay? Because there's always the joke out. Everybody, everybody plays the joke out. It's a joke until it's not. He's testing the waters. This is what he does. And then all these people go, ah, he's kidding, he's funny. And it's like, yeah, until he's handing out million dollar checks to people who assaulted cops in the Capitol. You know, that, that, that, that idea was floated in a jokey way until suddenly it's in front of Congress and they're deciding whether or not they're gonna allocate the funds. It's like, it's like when you're with your second cousin and you're like, and she's got big boobs and you're like, we should make out. And you laugh, but then you kind of stare at her at the same time.

[B]

Yeah, all right, we'll just fill each other up.

[C]

Yeah. You know, just as a joke. So I looked into some.

[B]

Oh, yeah, go ahead, go give me the product.

[C]

I looked into some of his other products. The Trump watch. Many, many buyers have reported waiting upwards of five months. Many others. There's no watch delivered. The complaints of unresponsive customer service. Defective and ready for this. Rump watches customers receive their high end timepieces retailing for $1,000 and, and complained about missing letters. There was a case where there was no T. It just said rump. Now you got the Trump phone where nine months ago, like tens of thousands of people gave hundred dollar deposits for this gold covered smartphone and nobody got them, nobody got them. And now they're just starting to ship now and people are like, oh, this old piece of junk. It's got the three, three and a half millimeter headphone jack. It's heavy. It's all foreign components. When it was advertised as Made in the usa.

[B]

Wait, did you hear about that? It was going to be like for. No. First the promise. Yeah, Made in the usa. Then it was like, well, that's not going to happen. It's going to be assembled in the usa. And then I heard this. I have not read it, so it's it sounds like a joke, but I bet it's true. Then it switched the legal language to Inspired by the usa. How about. How about Inspired by a phone that works? How about that? No, but I mean 622products. How about these products? How about some government services? How about that? How about the government runs things and fine, you can change it, but you don't have to like cut it so it disappears forever. Like you want to do with Social Security and Medicare and stuff. How about working on some products and improving the ones that exist that are helping Americans.

[C]

How about some help lines where people can get through to social services who are working two jobs and might be single parents with three kids that are trying to help them with their homework and get them to school on a public bus and now you want them to spend three hours on hold navigating a healthcare system. I mean, how about work at. How about put some creativity and energy behind that?

[B]

That's ridiculous.

[C]

Let's get to this next story. Enough.

[B]

Hooters says bring the kids beneath a sign that this is. This was well written. It was more of an article than like a news sort of few paragraphs beneath a sign that reads quote caution blondes thinking a six year old girl sips soda through a bendy straw. Nearby, members of a middle school baseball team wolf down funnel fries at a table printed with Hooters swimsuit calendar girls in a corner, a server wearing hot pants, hands, balloons and crayons to young girls fresh off a dance performance. It didn't have polls, I hope. Hooters was founded in 1983 by six Florida businessmen who quote, got together to open a place they couldn't get kicked out of. That's according to the company website at the first Hooters in Clearwater, Florida. And all female waitstaff in revealing outfits served the wings, burgers and beer. So the article goes on to explain how then it was bought and the original people. Then it was split because of different sort of theories on what it should be. And in recent months the original owners have moved to reclaim much of the business, acquiring roughly 140 locations with a plan to, quote, rehooterize the brand. They aim to return Hooters to what they describe as its core identity, a casual place with a family friendly vibe. It doesn't sound like that was the original identity of the place. I mean, yeah, now it's Floridian, Florida men who wanted A place they wouldn't get kicked out of.

[C]

Yeah. You mean like, like a basement with a. With a padlock on the top of it? They want to get back. They want to get back to its core identity. A place for high school cheerleaders to transition into strippers and eventually only fans, models. That's the core identity. A place where Bill Maher and David Lee Roth can still get handjobs.

[B]

This article had pictures. So there's like little girls and they're literally have crayons. And on the wall is this basically naked woman. Like, it's. It's a bathing suit which covers, like, less than lingerie on. On a woman on, like, right at the end of their table. It's so funny. I mean, just be honest about it, I guess. Right. Also in Florida, aren't there scantily clad waitresses in every institution down there?

[C]

Yes. And there's another place. I forget what it's called, but it's inspired by Hooters. And it's like. I mean, it's just the saddest play. I went there with a comedian recently for lunch, and it's just so sad because you see guys that are like, you know, they just want to be guys and they want to go to this place and look at chicks. But then you get there and there's fucking kids, and it's like, all right, now you're. Now you've got a bad experience. For the guys that feel guilty and gross and for the kids that are confused by why there's a half naked woman giving him a crayon.

[B]

I had this dumb joke that I've been like, anyway, I thought if I ever had a script, like, with two idiots, one idiot could, like, look at the other and like, maybe they're figuring out money. And anyway, eventually comes. He's like, you order in from Hooters. Like, the guy has Hooters delivered. That's like having the, like, topless maids just for their cleaning skills.

[C]

Right, right, right. Or you get the. You get the food delivered from the buffet at Runway 69 on 8th Avenue.

[B]

You have the topless maids clean while you're at work. That seems so. What are you doing?

[C]

Yes. Yeah. All right. So this guy.

[B]

Well, I saw this story this week.

[C]

Tony Carruthers execution was called off Thursday when he was given a one year reprieve after the state Department of Corrections struggled to find a vein to set up a backup injection line.

[B]

Now, this is, by the way, in Tennessee. I'm shocked that idiot governor gave a reprieve because I Can't believe he would even though. Anyway, keep reading. It's a crazy story.

[C]

Well, it just basically restates it. I mean, they tried to put. I guess there's the main line that they poison you from and kill you, but then there needs to be a backup line in case the first one didn't work. So the governor said he's going to give a reprieve from the execution for a year. This is going to be the greatest year of this guy's life. Every time he wakes up, he's got to smile and go. Reprieve.

[B]

Especially because there are a ton of people out there who think this guy's innocent.

[C]

Yes. There was DNA evidence that was tampered with. The main witness was a paid informant who later recanted their story.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't read into it enough to have my own opinion, but I do know that, like. And it's not just his family and stuff like that. It's these, like, Innocence Project and stuff like that. Really? Think so. That's kind of crazy, but it's just amazing.

[C]

This is another situation. And look, I'm not. I'm not one of these people that thinks the government's the root of all evil, but this is a great example of putting the government in charge of something really simple. Killing somebody. And they can't fucking. Maybe they just have ice go in. Can't ICE handle this?

[B]

Oh, my God. I. I just put up. Have them all go on a cruise. Why not send them all on a cruise? It. I mean, instead of building a prison.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And let them eat. Let them. Unlimited food.

[C]

Yes. And tell them. Or just tell the Aryan Nation that this guy was making Charlie Kirk jokes and then just. It'll take care of itself. You're literally in a building filled with murderers. And you. And you can't kill a guy.

[B]

People are killed all the time. And also you. The article I saw listed all the. All the fumbled execution attempts, I guess is the right way to say it. Like. And it's comical how many have been messed up and so, dude, firing squads.

[C]

I've. I've heard about a firing squad not working in Virginia. I heard about, you know, the early one where the guy got lit on fire in an electric chair but didn't die.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I remember hearing about that.

[C]

He burst into flame.

[B]

Did you. Did we talk about this, or. It might have been in some writer's room, because it was. Anyway, it was news to me, and I guess I'm putting it out there as a question to Our listeners, have you heard where. When they had firing squads, which used to be very commonplace, that they would hand out guns and some of them had blanks.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know about this?

[C]

Yeah. Deniable plausibility, plausible diet. Plausible deniability where you can tell yourself you didn't do it, man.

[B]

Maybe just don't ask yourself,

[C]

right?

[B]

I mean, you're not gonna get in trouble with anyone else, so maybe you have a little arrangement with yourself. But. Yeah. Yeah, that was interesting to me. But that might be. That might be what's going on here. It's like, well, there's three needles that don't work, so good luck and maybe I don't know what it is. How are you messing this up?

[C]

Yeah. Or, I don't know, put them in. Put him in that prison Jeffrey Epstein was in. Just leave him alone in the cell and see what happens.

[B]

It's a magical cell. It works. Yeah, it all works itself out.

[C]

All right, let's get to the ethical question.

[B]

Here we go. I like this one, man. I've only read the headline, and maybe that's all we need, but I love this one. Here you go, from the New York Times. My partner fired a gun in our home. Was I wrong to take it away? Okay, here's. Here's. Here's the sub. Here's the sub headline. She said she felt an overwhelming compulsion to pull the trigger that she could not resist.

[C]

Wait, you're talking about the person that took the gun away or the person that had it?

[B]

No, it was the partner was a she who fired it. And then she said she felt an overwhelming compulsion to pull the trigger that she could not resist. And the other partner? I mean, I. I'm assuming it's a guy, but it could not be. Took the gun away from this woman without the self restraint.

[C]

So what's the ethical question?

[B]

Was I wrong to take it away?

[C]

Well, I mean, self preservation kicks in here, doesn't it?

[B]

I think.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, I don't think. Would I be. I mean, look, I think you want to live with somebody who's got a gun if they're going to be willing to use it if you're robbed, but not if they're willing to use it when you're not being robbed.

[B]

I think the better, clearer question would be, was I wrong to shoot her?

[C]

Well, yeah, once you take the gun, it's the first rule in drama. If you see a gun, the gun has to get shot during the play. That's like the first rule of drama.

[B]

My question, how old is your Partner six. What do you mean they had an overwhelming. People have that when they're on the side of a cliff, they have that compulsion to jump off or to do. I mean, this gets back to our question that I told you about. I was at that dinner party, and the question came up with. With all these couples, men and women, equally divided, and they were like, when you're driving at night, do you ever get that overwhelming compulsion to swerve into the car coming towards you?

[C]

Right.

[B]

All the women said yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Or like, does that thought cross your mind that you could do that? And. And every guy, it was divided. So equally along gender lines was like, what? And that's the Annie hall scene with Christopher Walken.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

I know. Okay, here's another one. You ready?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I think someone is living in the storage unit next to mine. What should I do?

[C]

Well, it sounds like that person's living in the storage unit as well.

[B]

It does. Here's a sub headline. I was so uncomfortable, I just threw my things inside and left.

[C]

Okay, well, I mean, look, times are tough. If people need to live in a storage unit, they're living in a storage unit. Unless there's, like, a smell that is hurting your things or they're urinating and it's going through the wall. I don't think it's any of your business. Unless you want to help them. How about help them? How about fucking go buy them a meal? Get them one of those, you know, bottles you can piss in? Pitch in.

[B]

This is what I would do. I'd be like, listen, I feel for you, man. So knock yourself out. Unlimited use. Use my pasta maker, my bread maker, my. My. My old dust buster. Use all the. You can just.

[C]

My exercise bike.

[B]

Have. Yeah, have at it. There's a treadmill in there. There's my partner. There's my partner who might shoot you. And the gun. They're also here now.

[C]

Yeah. If you get cold, I've got three hefty bags full of sweaters that have moth bites in them.

[B]

I have the snuggly. What was it called? The blanket with arms. All the things trendy. I have all.

[C]

Beanbag chair. It's in there.

[B]

Yeah. This is actually sounding kind of fun now.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. On Instagram. Are you getting nostalgic? 90s or 80s, there's accounts out there and it goes. And the headline will just be a Rainy Day in 1987. And they have these images and it's playing, like, the most primitive video game. It's just sitting inside. Two boys sitting just Looking at the rain outside like bikes on a very like 80s porch just underneath the awning. And like, anyway, it's. And oh man, it brings you back and it really. I guess every single generation has been nostalgic in ways. But no, there's never been this rapid of an, like advancement in technology that has changed our lives like now. So I, I think we're entitled to say we might be feeling it the strongest.

[C]

Dude. What about album covers? Where you took this? The record was in a sleeve that had the lyrics written on it and you poured through the lyrics of every word of the album and then you saw who the bass player was and who played piano on it and you actually knew, you know, what studio produced the album.

[B]

Oh, we would de seed our marijuana using a double album and the seeds would roll down to the crease between the two sides.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Between the two albums. I should. Let me see if I can quickly just searching the word word 80s, but. Oh, I'm gonna send it to you next time. I get it. It's. It's pretty incredible.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I missed the old days.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Like, like December just be like December 1988 or whatever. And it's like the mall and like, you know, and then riding your bike and anyway, it was. And it was like Christmas shopping in the mall and they'd show like Sam Goody or whatever. It was like these stores, it was so. It was so much simpler. Oh, my God. All right, what are we up to now?

[C]

Simple. Let's get to entertainment.

[B]

Here we go.

[C]

This is you, buddy.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You dragged my story all the way down here. Well, yeah, yeah, I haven't watched. All right, we'll get to that in a minute. Trump celebrates Colbert's exit from cbs. Says of other late night hosts. May they all rest in peace. The President, you know, who has a couple of wars going on. Posted last night before 2am that Colbert has finally finished its CBS. Amazing that he lasted so long. Exclamation point. No talent, no ratings, no life. He was like a dead person. You could take any person off the street and they would be better than this total jerk. Not just a jerk, a total jerk. Thank goodness he's finally gone.

[C]

No ratings, but it sounds like somebody was watching every night. All right, and if this was at 2am that means the late show ends at 12:30. It took him an hour and a half to come up with that tweet.

[B]

And he also added it's quote, the beginning of the end for late night tv.

[C]

Well, I don't know about that. I mean, just wait for the Colbert podcast where you think this is bad. He'll be able to literally say anything he wants. Well, except that there's no side effects for BlueChew, or that Stamps.com is in any way affiliated with the U.S. postal Service, or that you can place bets on draftking in the state of California. Otherwise he could say anything he wants.

[B]

I mean, aren't there, like, known pedophiles out there free he could be trying to catch. Never mind ending the war in Iran

[C]

or working on his flop shot out of the sand trap on a par five.

[B]

Yeah, I liked him better when he was focused on golf. He has. He has so many products he has to keep on top of. I don't know how he does it.

[C]

Yeah, it's amazing. He's great time management and all while waking up at 11 o' clock in the morning.

[B]

Have you seen the last show?

[C]

I did not. Did you? Who was on it?

[B]

I read Paul McCartney. I read a review and I. And I'm sure a bunch of other people, but I saw clips and then. So he's. Listen, I have a problem sometimes too, a little too much with when someone's just experiencing, like, full joy because I'm like, well, where's the shame that doesn't allow you to do that? So, you know, I have to judge it with a grain of salt. But, like, he's dancing with David Byrne and dressed in one of the blue outfits. That was pretty goofy and I liked it. But then I saw him and it's the same thing I have with Conan, when they kind of, I guess, take themselves a little seriously with singing.

[C]

Like, yeah, I know, I hate that.

[B]

Really want to see. I love Conan. I really don't want to see him playing guitar and singing. And anyway, I may not know what I'm talking about. It might have been hysterical. It didn't look like it. But hello, Goodbye was the song McCartney was singing, from what I read. And there's footage of Colbert right there with him singing.

[C]

I think he might have sang Burning down the House with David Byrne. I don't know if that was the final episode, but. But that happened this week.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And I saw him dancing around to another. I mean, look, God bless him, an Irish Catholic guy that can express joy, good for him. But, yeah, it makes me uncomfortable.

[B]

Yeah, exactly, but. And I love Colbert. Please don't get me wrong. That's why I was like, oh, wait, maybe let just McCartney handle that part. But anyway, I read a bad review of it. And then I. I was a part. I was in the second paragraph, and I realized, oh, this writer has no sense of humor. Have you ever, like, read things where their criticism of it is like, oh, you didn't get it.

[C]

Yeah, right, right.

[B]

And so, like, you're just. You're just out. Like, you're a journalist who should not be allowed to write about comedy and things that maybe don't make sense to you and like. Like sarcasm or irony. So.

[C]

Yeah. There was an article in the LA Times yesterday about Jane Wickline, who's on snl.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And they. They. They said they liked her, but they clearly didn't. Or they were try. I don't know. It was. It was hard to read. But I guess there's a lot of controversy about Jane Wickline. Like some people, she's pretty divisive, her.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I think she's great. I love her. She's totally offbeat. She's a weirdo.

[B]

I think they should lean in, and I think they do sometimes. And I. And I have not watched a lot of snl, I have to say, in the last two years, but from what I've seen. Yeah, they should maybe lean into that weirdo ness about her more. She's incredibly awkward, you know, and.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

In a funny way. And so I think. I think there's something there, probably. And I know her.

[C]

Full disclosure. Full disclosure. I'm friends with her father, who was my boss on Cedric the Entertainer Presents. He's a big comedy writer, used to write for Letterman.

[B]

I've met him. I think maybe he came in when they were trying to replace Kilborn. Maybe I met him when. Who's the comedian? The black comedian who's had a show deal?

[C]

Hughley.

[B]

Right. I think he's involved with D.L. hughley. I think I might have met a nicest guy ever. And.

[C]

But yeah, he.

[B]

Part. Part of the resentment people have for her is the Nepo baby thing.

[C]

No, he's written on a lot of black shows. He, He. I. He wrote on In Living Color, and I believe Martin. And then Cedric was obviously a black show, but. Which is so funny because he's like this. He's the preppiest. I think he went to Yale. Nothing to do with black culture, but that's what he writes on. All right, let's make America. Florida, Here we go.

[B]

I thought this was interesting. A new billboard has joined Tallahassee's roadside landscape, directing people to a budding organization called Leaving maga. The Florida man behind the sign said the advertisement wasn't created to troll Republicans, the president or his supporters, but rather to extend a hand to people a part of the Make America Great Again movement, who may be having second thoughts about their beliefs having been one of them. The guy said he wanted to create a space for people to work through any ideological struggles with support. So check if this doesn't sound like a cult. The idea is to keep it simple and be inviting his organization. Isn't there to change people's minds or push a platform people must agree with? We don't think that anyone can change the person, he said. The change has to come from within the individual. This is like tearing them. Like, what is it called Extra. When you. When you pull someone. I'm forgetting the word out of Extricate. Yes. Extricating them out of a cult. There's another word also.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And that. It's even the title. The People that Do It. Yeah.

[C]

Now, is there a group for people disillusioned with the New York jets that maybe you can join?

[B]

Oh, my God. I saw a. I think. I don't know if it was an Onion headline, but it sure sounded like one. It was this week and it's like jets math. Jets eliminated from the playoffs Based on a posted schedule for upcoming season. It was perfect. But that's where all my Jet Energy is going, into the Knicks. And that's what's happening. All the Mets energy, all the recent Yankees energy, all the recent Giants energy is getting poured into the New York Knicks.

[C]

Such an exciting team. And Sam. Sam Morrell is like courtside man. And those seats, those seats are going for between 50 and $100,000 each. But Sam is such a huge Knicks fan. Like, his whole life he grew up in New York City and like, he's a fanatic. And I guess the. I think the Knicks organization loves them and they just give him these great SA seats. He.

[B]

Yeah. You know, I asked him when he was out here I go, what do you think turned it for them? Like, this is like a week and a half ago. And it was, you know, when they almost got eliminated in the first round. And then a. A switch was thrown and they just dominated and. And then swept the 76ers. So that was going on. Maybe it was the. Maybe they were three up three zero. Because I, I'm. I know when it was, they were up 30 against the 76ers. And he just goes, Brunson. And I was like, that is the simplest. I go, it's not the. Like, how they switched now the offense and they're setting picks to free up and blah, blah. And he's like. And he just was like, brunson, boy, it turns out how right he is. I mean, the way that guy's dominated since.

[C]

Oh, no. Game one, game one, they were down 22 points in the second half. And then all of a sudden. And Brunson did not. He said he just took the ball and he just started driving in the hoop with these little floaters and these. He was hitting bank shots and just like everything he threw up was going in three pointers and he carried that team back and they ended up winning it. That was one of the greatest comebacks I've ever seen in a playoffs game.

[B]

It's one of the biggest comebacks in history. Are you kidding me? It was incredible.

[C]

So, all right, what about Texas?

[B]

Yeah, man, we got Texas. Hold on. Here we go. Make America Texas again. Texas, man. Intentionally drove cybertruck into a lake to use his vehicles wade mode. The department said the driver, Jimmy Jack McDaniel, I am not making that up. Told them he intentionally drove the vehicle into the lake to try and use its Wade Mode feature. However, the Cyber truck was disabled and took on water, police said, prompting the driver and passenger to abandon.

[C]

So it took on water, you know, like the way a douche does.

[B]

According to the Tesla's online owner's manual for the Cyber truck, Wade Mode allows Cyber truck to enter and drive through bodies of water, such as rivers or creeks. However, the manual warns that drivers have a responsibility to to gauge the depth of any body of water before entering, and that damage to the vehicle as a result of driving in water is not covered by the warning. So. So creeks and rivers, like, you mean like trucks, like trucks do that this

[C]

cybertruck can do, you know, it can enter water, but not if it's too wet.

[B]

Oh, I have cut out more of the like sort of the language that was in the manual. It says it only goes up like 20 inches or something like that, or even less. And then he goes. But you have to also take into consideration the mud and maybe soft soil underneath the water. That's going to lower you. That counts. That counts towards the 28.

[C]

Like, yeah, right.

[B]

It's so crazy.

[C]

Who would think that an electric car wouldn't do well in water?

[B]

I. I gotta say, they went in enough water.

[C]

I have never seen one of those trucks and not thought, what a douche. And the worst part is this. The windows are so tinted that you can never get a look at the person.

[B]

I already have an idea. We all have an idea what they look like. Exactly what they look like.

[C]

Yeah, there's a.

[B]

There's a McDaniel.

[C]

Yes. There's a. There's a Jack Daniel in there somewhere. But, yeah, there's wraparound sunglasses, the real tight ones, and kind of a mullet thing happening. A tight goatee, something that says Gold's gym.

[B]

Jimmy. Jack McDouchebag. Yes. Probably owns some rental properties. Cannot stop complaining about taxes. Luckily, the tinted windows, you can't see his gun rack. Yeah, he thinks it's a good idea. He. He has a wife that's still kind of keeping it together. They both love the gym, and she loves a man who really takes initiative. She loves a man who makes on set and pampers her, and.

[C]

And a guy who just can't resist the temptation to shoot his gun inside the house.

[B]

It's. It's the type of woman who loves MAGA and the Republicans, but her life is based on handouts. Oh, yeah, that's the wife. Handouts just for her, Nobody else. Yeah.

[C]

All right. Should we do sports?

[B]

Let's do it. Here we go.

[C]

New York City Mayor Zoran Mamdani proudly announced a deal Thursday that will allow residents of New York City, City, and only New York city to buy 1,000 World cup tickets for $50 each. And before he even finished his news conference, a New Jersey official made it clear that they thought of an arrangement that. What they thought of, an arrangement that leaves them out, quote, FIFA not caring about costs for New Jersey residents isn't new, said Stephen Sigmund, a spokesman for New Jersey Governor Mike Sherrell. This is just another reason why Governor Cherelle is working hard to lower costs on our own. Yes. Yes. Get the hint. New Jersey. I guess you didn't get it when we raised the toll and the Lincoln tunnel up to $23. We don't want you. Maybe

[B]

the toll was only to get into New York. There was no. It was free. When I lived there, it was free to get out of New York.

[C]

No. They will pay you $23 if you have Jersey plates to take the tunnel out. I think they knew that. I think FIFA knew that. New Jersey people are gonna be rooting for Italy anyway.

[B]

That's a good. That's pretty good. Yeah. A thousand tickets. What are you getting your panties in about, like, less than one section?

[C]

Yeah, I know. Well, you know, I mean, I think that's kind of the whole thing with Mom. Donnie is like, for all of his philosophies, like, how much of the rubber is really hitting the road, like, how many people are really getting lower rent in New York? How much is not having bus fares affecting most people?

[B]

Well, only time will tell. Also, a lot of them hasn't been implemented. Right. I don't know. I think no matter what, even people who don't like him can agree. It's. He's exciting.

[C]

It's exciting.

[B]

It's exciting. And I actually am from afar, very positive about it.

[C]

All right. Speaking of positive, let's do this day in history.

[B]

Oh, man. Yeah, Here we go.

[C]

All right, I'm ready.

[B]

All right. You think you're going to do well?

[C]

Yep. Last week I was 4 out of 5.

[B]

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. You know that guy?

[C]

Sherlock Holmes.

[B]

Right. He was born on this day. In what year? Give or take 35 years.

[C]

Wow. He's around a long time ago. I'm going to say 1728.

[B]

All right, great start. 1859.

[C]

Okay. All right.

[B]

Yeah. So we're off to some start. This is a give or take one year. American comedian. It's apropos with our late show news. American comedian Johnny Carson made his final appearance as host of the Tonight Show. I remember where I was when I watched it. I was that with you.

[C]

Bette Midler was on. It was. I think I was just out of college. I'm going to say 1990.

[B]

I love it. 1992.

[C]

Damn it.

[B]

All right, here's a give or take 100 years. Okay, Captain Kid, where do you think Captain Kid's from?

[C]

Captain Kid is from England.

[B]

It says English pirate. But I'm going to be asking you. Oh, I'm asking you about his death date. But it says he was born in Scotland. But he died on this year. He was old for 56. That's.

[C]

Anyway, I didn't even know he was real. I thought he was like Captain Kangaroo or Captain Kirk. I didn't know he was like a real guy.

[B]

I was just gonna tell you. I sound confident quizzing you on these things. I would get so many wrong. Also, you could easily convince me Captain Kid's a made up thing.

[C]

Yeah, you know they.

[B]

Is it a serial?

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna say what. What year he died?

[B]

Hold on. So what year do you. Hold on. What year did he die? And I'm going to say, give or take 75 years.

[C]

Oh, come on.

[B]

I want you to get one right.

[C]

All right. 1728.

[B]

Oh, man. So that's legit. 1701.

[C]

I got it.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you would have gotten it even if I gave a. The Shining was released in theaters, give or take three Years. When was the Shining released in theaters?

[C]

Okay, Nicholson was. Hair was falling out.

[B]

That's the first clue. Okay,

[C]

I'm going to say 1981.

[B]

Look at you. 1980. Really?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

That man. Yeah. That was like a screensaver. That and the Last Waltz, when we were in college, on our tv, like, it was kind of come home, like, just drunk, eating chicken wings. And that was always on. Bonnie and Clyde, went on their crime spree. It lasted. I didn't know this, 21 months. And they were killed on this day, in what year? Give or take eight years.

[C]

Well, I feel like I saw the movie and they were in those old Ford Model Ts, which were in the 20s. So I'm gonna go, 1928.

[B]

You did it. 1934.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

All right, let's finish up with a go. Boy. Joan of Arc is in here every goddamn day, every week. How much shit did that. She get done? Yeah, I'll give her two. Birth and death. How much did she get done in between? Okay, let's see here. We're gonna. Oh, there's Israel. We're not gonna go near that. We're gonna go. Oh, my God. That's right. Because today is. Well, today is Friday and it's the 22nd. But listeners, you are listening on Bob Dylan's birthday. Also, our buddy Pete's birthday, I think.

[C]

Okay. Happy birthday, Pete Scott.

[B]

Happy birthday, Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan. Give or take. I'm gonna be generous. Two years. When was Bob. What year was Bob Dylan born?

[C]

I always remember that he was born.

[B]

I thought it was Hibbing, but it says Duluth.

[C]

Now is Hibbing.

[B]

Well, that's born. Grew up.

[C]

He was born at the same time as my mom. That was 42, but I feel like he might have been a little younger. I'm going to say 41.

[B]

Greg. It's 1941.

[C]

No, baby. I was on fire this week and

[B]

last week on the Nipple. I don't know about last week. I'm not remembering it the same as you. I don't.

[C]

Oh, listeners will chime in. They'll tell. They'll tell you. I was four for five last week.

[B]

No, we're not betting. We're not betting.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right, what do we got now? We got obit or letters.

[C]

Let's go right to the letters. Okay, this was a great one. This was a guy from a guy named Mark who had a teaching job for Latin at a middle school in Pottstown, Pennsylvania, where I do a club called Souljols. And now he just got a job offer to teach Latin and Greek at a high school. I start this fall. Congratulations, Mark. So anyway, he was breaking down. We talked about the derivations of the word diarrhea. And he said he wants to help us to remember the spelling of diarrhea. Okay. Dia in ancient Greek means through as a. As a basic preposition.

[B]

Oh, my God. Right?

[C]

Re. Rio means to flow.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's not Rio, like Rio Grande, not like river, although that's probably where Rio comes from.

[C]

And then Ria is. Yeah, yeah, it's. And that's. I guess Rio is the same thing. So it's. It's flowing. If you've heard of the goddess Rhea, she was Zeus's mother and gave birth to him near a flowing river. The Greeks love wordplay.

[B]

Got it.

[C]

And then we got Tommy, who wrote in and said Mike mentioned he never remembers how to spell diarrhea. I came across a great memonic to help you remember. Mnemonic. Mnemonic.

[B]

Pneumonic.

[C]

Mnemonic.

[B]

That's very helpful. Remember not to pronounce. Right. Okay.

[C]

Dude, I actually really, really have explosive ass, which is another way of remembering besides the Greek derivations of the word.

[B]

Okay, I'm going to try that. I mean, you're really trying to convey that it's happening, actually. Really? Really?

[C]

Yeah. Do we do the obits? Let's do it.

[B]

How about, dude, I am really, really having explosive ass? That could also be it. All right, good. Now what, what are we doing?

[C]

Obits?

[B]

Yep. Oh, man. Barney Frank, the brassy, lightning quick former Massachusetts representative who for decades was the most prominent gay politician in the country and was an author of the most significant overall of the nation's financial regulations since the Great Depression, died on Tuesday at his home in Ungonquitt. That's appropriate. Maine. He was 86. So this guy, Greg, and I remember he was so goddamn witty and funny. And he was cute, too. Like, he was. Like, he looked like a child. Like, he had a. Like, he had a little funny way of speaking, kind of. Yeah, yeah, like a lisp.

[C]

And yeah, he had a lisp, but he was rugged. He was like a rugged New Englander. He was like, rosy cheeked and he was kind of from that Tip o' Neill school of politics where, you know, back slapping could hang out at a bar with anybody. Make you laugh, tough. He was. He was very cool. And when I was in college, I worked at the Copley Marriott as a banquet waiter. And the guy who was the head waiter was this flaming gay guy, and he was. He was my boss and he Said, Saturday night, I got a gig for you outside the hotel. It's for. It's for Barney Frank. And so he sends me over there. I'm wearing my little tuxedo and my bow tie, and I go in there and. Let's be honest, Mike, in college, I wasn't hard on the eyes. I was. I was a cute little morsel for a gay man. So I go to this party, and it's an open bar, and it's all gay politicians, and. And I quickly realized why this guy sent me there. I was getting flirt. There was a guy named. I think it was either Jerry Studs or Gary Studs, who was another gay congressman from Massachusetts who fucking cornered me and just was full on hitting on me. And I got to. I got to work on Monday. I was like, thanks for the gig, man. He goes, little hot heavy in there. I was like, yeah, thanks for the gig.

[B]

That's perfect. I was quickly trying to read some of his lines, but, like, he had one, which was, republicans will be with us as long as their votes are irrelevant to the outcome. And he goes, moderate Republicans are reverse Houdinis. They tie themselves up in knots and then tell you they can't do anything because they're tied up in knots. But this would be said in a very sort of way, more formal political climate. Like, it's gotten more casual because of people like him. But it was very, very much more formal. Like, have you no shame, sir? You know, like, that type of stuff was. Was in the House.

[C]

All right, let's cheer up. That was a sad one. He was a great man. He's. He's a part of a bygone era. He really is like. Like you said, like, he's from a different time that I'll miss and I think our country will miss.

[B]

Absolutely. All right, let's cheer up. Here we go.

[C]

Time for the funnies. Every week, we do the comedy caption contest. It's a frame of a comic. You guys write down a punch line, you send it in to fitzdogradiomail.com we peruse, we choose, and then we pick a winner at the end, Please put your name directly underneath your joke, and the winner will get a koozie. If you have any left. Do you know if you have any left? Have you checked?

[B]

Yeah, I checked. I didn't find it on first look. So not looking good. But we'll check again.

[C]

Okay? We'll figure something out. But for the love of the sport, last week's was two squirrels. They're sitting on a Branch. One of them is eating an acorn, and the other one is looking at an iPhone. And he is speaking. The one with the one. The one with the iPhone is speaking. Sean says, oh, my God, we landed the part for Chip and Dale's Gay Squirrel Tales.

[B]

All right. They're gay.

[C]

Jane says, my date last night just sent me a. A nuts pick.

[B]

All right. I like chains.

[C]

Ron says, oh, no. RFK Jr. Just added us to the food pyramid.

[B]

That's not bad either. They have to get run over by a car first, but yeah.

[C]

John Mensinger says, nuts. He says, his refrigerator not running. Now what?

[B]

That's a callback, John.

[C]

Call back to last week's winner. Tim Dilly says, oh, no. They're gonna pin this hunt of virus on our shit.

[B]

All right, Tim. Bringing politics into this, all right.

[C]

Or is it on our show?

[B]

Topical. Topical events. Okay. I mean, I, I, I kind of like Ron and James Freez. I don't know. I mean, Jane's and Ron seem good.

[C]

Well, look, since nobody's winning anything, why don't we say there was two winners? Jane and Ron. My date just sent me nuts pick, and oh, no, RFK Jr. Just added us to the food pyramid. Congratulations.

[B]

You got it

[C]

for next week. The cartoon is. Looks like two roommates. One of them is in the refrigerator grabbing a couple beers. The other guy is sitting in an armchair. He's leaning back, and a cat has his ass in the guy's face and is clawing his leg so it is facing away from him. Looks like the asshole is right in the guy's nose. And the guy looks startled, and he's looking up at his friend who's at the refrigerator. Fill in the caption.

[B]

And either he's saying something which is what it's implying, or it should. It could just say fart because it's coming from the cat's ace.

[C]

Yes, it's. It's a talk bubble, but it looks like it could be coming either from the guy or the cat's ace. So pick a winner. All right, let's get down to the pros. Hagger is going into battle. He's got a sword in his hand, and he goes, men, I'm leading you into a perilous battle. Be brave. And the second frame, Hagar is tied up with a rope. And the men. And the men say, I think this is the bravest thing we've ever done as they run away from Hagar. Clearly they don't want to go into battle.

[B]

Or you left out that they tied

[C]

him up they tied him up. Which really you wonder. Guys like this, when they tie somebody up, there's usually a little bit of ace play right afterwards.

[B]

All right?

[C]

Imagine how dirty Haggard's asshole is.

[B]

Well, I. I think we've talked about it. I'm sure everyone has. But, like, even in any of those. Anything old like that, even. Even. What was it? Hamnet? Any old Shakespeare in Love, Game of Thrones. It's just like when all of a sudden they just start tearing each other's clothes off. I'm like, that must be the worst smell, especially down there.

[C]

Well, even their breath, you know, they never brush their teeth. They never go to the dentist. They've all got every venereal disease known to man.

[B]

I think everyone was happy to die in their 30s when you live, when life was like that, right? Yeah.

[C]

All right, let's get to the Lockhorns. Loretta is talking to her friend, and she's putting together a bunch of little shreds of paper. She said, I told Leroy I wanted to do a jigsaw puzzle. So we put our wedding photo through the shredder. What a horrible thing to do. My God. Doesn't seem like he wants to be in this marriage anymore.

[B]

I have a onion, and the onion is a picture of a very dumb looking Trump. Particularly dumb looking Trump. And the caption is trump. Request requests 1.2 trillion to have. That's it. That's all you need to write on that one. That's all you need to write on that one.

[C]

That's good. All right, we're gonna get down to our friend. Dagwood Bumstead is in bed with his wife, who has on a chiffon off the shoulder, lingerie. Hair is done up and teased. It looks like a plate of egg noodles on top of her head. And she's looking at her iPad. She goes, survey, is your wife a backseat driver? He says, hmm. Well, you offer helpful suggestions occasionally. Like, the light is green, so the answer is no. And she goes, good answer. Here's a better answer. Survey, is your wife a backseat driver? No, but I am. Flip over, you hot little piece of ass.

[B]

The light is green.

[C]

The light is so green. And the bunghole is pink and the hair is yellow. Okay, all right, listen, we love you guys. We appreciate you listening. Thanks for your patient with our patience with our kind of production issues today.

[B]

Yeah, back to the old, I guess, in a way, like landline, but it's a fiber optic cable. Not doing. Not doing my new WI fi service.

[C]

Maybe we'll get them as a sponsor, and then we'll get it for free. Speaking of which, visit hims.compapers get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you. And also Rocketmoney.com papers do it. You just. Just put our names in so they know that you heard about them through our podcast. It's very important. It keeps the lights on. All right, thank you, guys for listening. Mike, anything you want to promote?

[B]

Yeah, I just saw it's, I think, number one on Netflix, this documentary crash. That's all it's called. It's about a crash. And, yeah, I kind of fell asleep during it, but only because it was really late. So I don't know how good it was, but when I woke up, I'm like, oh, oh, that happened. And I'm not talking about the crash.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, well, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll see you soon.

[B]

Take it ease Take a break in my Coming to my farm don't have friends so I listen alone Give me the news and the comments I'm so addicted Give me my freaks of the Sunday of the Sunday Someday Sunday papers Of the Sunday of the Sunday Sunday paper.