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- [00:00]
A
Last night, you spent two hours deciding what to wear to the party this morning. It'll take you two minutes to list it on depop and make your money back. Just grab your phone, snap a few photos, and we'll take care of the rest. The sheer dress and platform heels you'll never wear again. There's a birthday girl searching for them right now. Your one and done look is about to pay for your next night out, or at least the ride home. Your style can make you cash. Start selling on depop, where taste recognizes taste.
- [00:34]
B
Read all about it. Read all about it. It's time for the Sunday papers podcast. Mike on the left, Greg on the right. Front page news and golfing shoes. All that gubbins is a funny do.
- [00:53]
C
Okay, hey now. Welcome, welcome. Read all about it. So much to read about and hear about from Mike Gibbons. The roast. People have been begging to hear about the roast.
- [01:06]
D
It was. I was subhuman. I apologize to everyone. Last week, it was my fault. We didn't do a. We didn't do a podcast.
- [01:14]
C
Oh, right, right.
- [01:16]
D
Yeah.
- [01:17]
C
People missed it. I put it out on Instagram, but we still had a ton of people write into the website and wonder where the podcast was. It's our second one we missed in four years. Or third.
- [01:29]
D
I don't know. But we do too many. We do too many.
- [01:32]
C
We do too many. I don't do windows.
- [01:35]
D
We throw up a repeat people. Odds are people haven't heard them. And we're more evergreen than a news show would indicate.
- [01:41]
C
Yeah, we should have put up an evergreen one.
- [01:44]
D
Yeah, I agree. We have to pick one. We have to pick some, like, you know, late night shows do that. They're like, that's a repeat. And we have a good one. We should be like, put an R next to it. That's repeatable, you know?
- [01:56]
C
Yes, that's a good idea. So, all right, let's get into it. This is from Tim Dilley, who's our friend who we played golf with from San Francisco. Give your partner a bow for the fantastic Tom Brady roast. Really feel better about the future of America. Today we can laugh at raunchy sarcasm again. Next up, let's turn Mike and his writing crew on those snowflakes on college campuses. Well done, Mike.
- [02:25]
D
Very sweet. Yeah, I mean, if you ask me, I was in the. I was standing next to Belichick in the dressing room watching the first three quarters of the show, and there was far too many homophobic jokes. But what happened is a lot of them went off script, and that's you know, that's football culture a little bit. And locker room. Yeah, locker room culture. So I would have cut down. How many other ones were controllable? You know what I mean?
- [02:56]
C
Well, Gronkowski clearly went renegade, and he was so homophobic. But it was perfect because he was on late in the roast, and it was so established that this is a dumb human being, that when he came on and he really was that dumb, the homophobic jokes just worked perfectly because he's so likable that it just didn't bother anybody.
- [03:20]
D
All right, here's a Gronkowski story. So first thing is, he went on that long one. He read it to us on the zoom. He's like, and then I rode that dick from Tampa to New England. And, you know, Edelman just greased it. And he. And he was like, huh? And we're all dying laughing on the Zoom, right? So I get that script. There's that joke in it. So now when I'm putting his set together, in parentheses, I would put occasional things like, coach used to make us run the hill. Oh, Coach, I just realized that joke was about you. I'll run the hill. So that was like a parenthetical after a joke. After that crazy joke, which all the people on the stage were like, skip this joke. Remember, Like, Belichick told him to skip it. And he goes, I'm not skipping it. I put in parentheses. I wrote that joke. Right? And thank God I did, because I wanted the world to know that Gronkowski wrote that joke and that the writers did it. And he read it. He goes, I wrote that one myself.
- [04:24]
C
So how many of the jokes that got on did you personally write?
- [04:32]
D
I wouldn't say, like, it's. You know, I'm not saying, like, I definitely wasn't in the top five writers, for sure. I would say I'm mostly, like, managing and stuff like that. Maybe even less than. Maybe, like, top. Maybe all of them. I don't know. But I had some good ones in there. I think my favorite that I wrote was Tom's. I work with Tom a lot, but Tom's Kim Kardashian joke about how she's terrified to be there because her kids are with their dad.
- [04:59]
C
She was bummed about that.
- [05:02]
D
Yeah. Well, I don't know why. It validates her. Yeah, that's why I like the joke.
- [05:09]
C
Well, it makes her sound like a bad mom, that she would leave her kids with somebody who's dangerous with her father.
- [05:15]
D
By law. I think she has to.
- [05:17]
C
I know. That's what I think. I should be chaperone, though, I think. And what about the booing? Did they cut that out on the replay?
- [05:25]
D
They did, and I would have been so against that. And Netflix, of course, had a then go on a publicity campaign saying that Kim didn't ask for it because I would be furious because everyone, of course, thought she called, complained, and said, please remove the booze. And she didn't at all. She.
- [05:41]
C
Why did people boo? I really didn't understand that.
- [05:44]
D
I don't know either. People were booing like crazy. They weren't still saying drew from Drew Bledsoe.
- [05:52]
C
And then, and then they were heckling her while she was speaking. I saw an audience member shot it on their camera and the heckling continued like they were yelling, shit, no talent. And all this shit at her.
- [06:04]
D
I know, it's weird. I mean, and she made fun of herself and I thought really good jokes.
- [06:08]
C
She stayed graceful. She stayed very poised during it.
- [06:11]
D
Yeah, we had a ton of jokes against her, but part of the engineering was she didn't come up and the deist kind of didn't know about her. Yeah, well, so wait. The one quick Gronkowski story is he was at a wedding in the Bahamas Saturday night, which is the night before the roast. And, and, and, and we sent a private jet. So he's private jets all day Sunday, really early in the morning, and I'm like. So then I, you know, and I've been zooming with him. So then I see Gronkowski down in the dressing rooms and he's fucking bright eyed. He looks amazing. I mean, he, you know, he looked amazing on the roast, but like, totally white, clear eyes, the whole thing. And so I'm like, hey, how are you, man? Did the flight work out and all? He's like, dude, I am so rested, fucking ready for this now. Meanwhile, Sarah Tiana, who was kind of like his captain because they had worked together before, goes, yeah, he said he slept four hours on the plane. And he is, he's full of energy. She's like, how much sleep does he need when he doesn't party all night? Like, two hours.
- [07:12]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [07:12]
D
Like, what is this animal? But this is the story. So he goes, dude, I'm doing great. I'm so psyched for this. Fine. Dickie Egan, who's amazing and a friend of ours, and we always talk about Dickie. Dickie goes, he said that? And goes, yeah. He's like, well, I just walked by wardrobe and the wardrobe department's in there, you know, with steam irons. Irons, you know, doing the whole thing and, you know, you know, sewing and fixing. He had walked in there like 10 minutes before when he arrived, and he goes, can you guys do something about my shoes? He's wearing big bombastic white Crocs, but he has his dress shoes in his hand. And he goes, can you do something about my shoes? They're like, yeah, what do you need? He's like, I don't know, like, maybe like blow dry them or something. I was drinking out of them all night.
- [08:02]
C
That's amazing. Yeah, he's a full lunatic that he gives over his underwear. Some shit happened in these last night also.
- [08:14]
D
Unbelievable.
- [08:15]
C
What was the green room like? Was there wives, girlfriends, industry, or was it just like, talent only?
- [08:24]
D
No, the green room was a lot of the writers. There was some agents and all that, but Belichick was in there and then. So in the green room, it was also last touches for hair and makeup. It was a big room. Last touches for hair and makeup. So those stations were over there. There were TVs, there was, like, catering out. But it was also the teleprompter room, which, as you know, is normally in the wings. And there was one in the wings of the stage, but this was another station. So that's where each talent who was not out at the beginning. So, like, Belichick, Kardashian was sitting. But, oh, Peyton Manning came through there. I'm trying to remember Belichick, Peyton Manning. I'm forgetting who else. Anyway. Oh, and Ben Affleck. So they. Which we have to talk about. But Ben, they would come in there and they would go through their prompter and make little phonetic spellings or punctuation to help them read it better. And so that was interesting to see when that would happen. But Belichick was just dying. It was so wild watching that guy die, laugh, you know? And then. And then he went out and did great. He was so easy to work with.
- [09:31]
C
Well, I think the crowd was really pulling for him. They just. There was so much love for him when he came out. Standing ovation.
- [09:38]
D
And. Well, we started him with those jokes about how, like, there's a 10 part, you know, series, a roast of Bill Belichick on Apple Plus. Yeah, because that thing does tear him apart.
- [09:51]
C
And then what. What about. How did. How did everything go with Netflix? I mean, were they. Were they praising you guys?
- [10:04]
D
You know, it's supposed to be a 90 minute roast, and then it was tracking over two hours, and then that's a bump in pay for it. It was then tracking over 90 minutes. So that's then a bump in pay and then over two hours. I don't know where that's at now, but they were great. They were just like, if you need the time. Because people kept getting added, you know, like, Ben Affleck was added. Kim Kardashian was that. They weren't around three days. Three or four days till show. Oh, oh. And. And Ron Burgundy was added. We were, you know, we were writing for them, trying to woo them, and I. I'll read later. I. I have a funny Ron Burgundy speech that the writers wrote and we all wrote, and he didn't do it, but I think it. He would have destroyed with it. And it was much shorter.
- [10:48]
C
I loved every moment of it. I could have watched that all night. He was so on fire. It was amazing.
- [10:55]
D
I had to go into their dressing room and correct two things. One was, he goes. He goes. And Randy Moss, he's like, tom was never going to throw to you. He goes, you were just a decoy for his little ding, ding, ding, ding, short stuff. And so I had to go in there. I'm like, listen, not to be joke police, but that's like having a joke about Babe Ruth never hitting home runs. Tom. Tom and Randy Moss still hold the single season record for long for touchdown pass.
- [11:24]
C
Yeah. Yeah.
- [11:25]
D
So I just changed it to, he was never going to get you a ring.
- [11:28]
C
Yeah.
- [11:28]
D
And then it was an easy change. And then there was another thing that they had wrong in the script. I forget what it was.
- [11:35]
C
But anyway, so. So you worked your ass off, man. How. How many. How many hours do you think you put in in the week leading up to the actual roast?
- [11:43]
D
It was rough. I never got out before. Like, 11:30 at night. And that. I felt lucky I got out at 11:30 the night before. But that's because everything was pretty locked. And then it would be really. Then there was a lot of 7am Zooms. 7am Zoom with Belichick. 7am Zooms with Tom. Because they were all on the East Coast.
- [12:03]
C
Yeah. Did you. Do you have a slight man crush on Tom Brady right now?
- [12:08]
D
A little bit, man. I mean, he's a student. Like, you could tell how he got to where he was, because that's how he approached this comedy.
- [12:16]
C
Yeah.
- [12:17]
D
And weird things. Like, he's like, hey, I don't want to say, let's fucking go up top. When I come out at the very beginning, before I sit down, he goes, what about, like, are you ready? I'm ready. And then, like, it's kickoff, or, let's kick this off something. Football. My. What about. What about it's game time. He's like, great, that's it. And he's like, so how should I say it should be? Like, it's. So how do I say that it's game time? Or it's like, game time? And I'm like, are you fucking retarded? Like, yeah. The greatest quarterback ever is asking me how to say game time?
- [12:52]
C
Yeah.
- [12:53]
D
Like, it was so. But, like, that's where. And then. And then before each joke, almost before every joke, he would put in parentheses the type of voice he should use. Like, one of them was announcer voice, where he was like, you know, it was. And he did. And it really helped him. Like, he put, like, somber voice before the 911 joke, which was our favorite thing that we wrote for him. Because in the writers room, Dickie and those guys were, like, educating us. Like, you don't understand that when Drew Bledsoe got hurt, it was, like, such a weird time. It was the first game back after 9 11, so there was already such a weird mood. So we're like, oh, you know, put it up. Let's see. When Bledsoe got injured, and we see, like, the 911 celebration at the beginning of the game, and then we see two New York jets fly into Bledsoe and the room exploded. We're like, we got our best joke.
- [13:52]
C
Oh, my God, that's amazing. So the joke kind of wrote itself.
- [13:56]
D
It was incredible. Yeah, that was incredible.
- [13:58]
C
That's so cool. Yeah. Because he took a real leap of faith in going with that energy and that tone, you know, so against hype. And he went big and he committed and he fucking pulled it off.
- [14:12]
D
Yeah, I know. He was like, you know, I don't talk about myself in the third person. I'm like. I go, oh, we know. And so it. It's. I was very slow to realize how literal he was. Yeah, he's incredibly. He's great, by the way. And he's funny. Like, we were walking down the hallway, right? He and I were going to, like, take another look at Prompt or something. And I'm walking with him, and we. We go by Edelman, and Edelman is there, and Edelman could not have looked more flamboyant. He had a. Any. He had it under his shirt, but he had a. Under his shirt was a wife beater with all his, like, necklaces and stuff like that. And he's there with the hair and makeup, and I'm like. I go, well, that. I go, his look is going to help the Gay jokes tonight. Right? And. And. And Tom dies laughing. And when we get to the end of the hallway, Tom turns around and he's like, jules. He's like, jules. He's like, the rest of the Village People's dressing room, they're in here. They're in here. And I'm like, solid. Like, that was Tom on his own.
- [15:10]
C
Yeah, that's great.
- [15:12]
D
And. But he. When I didn't realize how literally was I then I then saw him, like, he's. Especially when he was like, so. How should I say this? And so, like, so am I being, like, cocky? And I'm like, oh. I go, hold on. I go, he was very good on snl, actually. I go, you're playing a character. I go, this is a character. You got to save this shit show. And this is a character. And I go. And he could never get through the Kim Kardashian joke without laughing because. Which was, you know, my badge of honor. But he couldn't get through some of them. That laughing. I'm like, that laughing is actually really charming. And I go, just like snl. Try to hold that laugh back, like. And everyone seeing your struggle is going to be charming as hell, and it will reinforce you're playing a character. And he's like. And he was like, got it. And that was like, two days before the show. And he. He didn't. He didn't take. Somehow he didn't take that in before then. Yeah, he was still doing well, but just because he could tell how he should read them, but he kind of didn't. Once he knew he was playing a character, it all clicked for him. Yeah, I thought he delivered it amazing.
- [16:22]
C
Yeah, he was great. And it's hard to go on last. I mean, people don't understand. That's three hours into the show, and you're following Andrew Schultz, and you know, there's some heavy hitters up there killing. So that. That was pretty amazing. So we're going to get into jokes later, jokes that were not used in the entertainment section. Saw Ron Burgundy the next day. Netflix did a comedy, All Things Comedy, which is Bill Burr's company. They did a golf tournament at Riviera, which is the nicest course in la. And I'm at the driving range, and then Will Ferrell comes up, and he. He sets up at the. At the stall next to me at the driving range. And he looks at me, and he just gives me this long look like he knows me. And I was so intimidated. They just went, how you doing? And then I just hit another Ball. And I didn't say shit to him. I should have said hi. I don't know. I was just like. I didn't. I didn't want to be. You know, we're on the. I figured, he wants to play golf. I don't want to be an asshole. And. But then later, after the round, I had dinner at his table, and it was me, Burr. What's his name? Who's. Who's the comic who. Who lives in Nashville?
- [17:41]
D
Oh, Theo.
- [17:42]
C
Not Theo. No, the other guy. Anyway, it was a bunch. It was a bunch.
- [17:48]
D
Is he, like. Is his Persona a hick?
- [17:51]
C
No, just a regular straight talking guy. Why am I forgetting his fucking name?
- [17:55]
D
Froze.
- [17:56]
C
Anyway, and then Charlie Day from Always Sunny and who else? Anyway, so. So Will was there, and then at the end, Nate. Nate Brigazzi. And then at the end of it, he goes. He comes over to me and he shakes my hand and he goes, I want you to take really good care of yourself.
- [18:21]
D
What the fuck does that mean? You. Oh, man, you totally should have said. I mean, he knows Laura from usc. Yeah, I told him. I go, oh, Will, by the way, because he's. His son's down there, and he was just down there last week before graduation and before the riots on the USC campus. And I go, you know, I actually taught a class at usc. Like, what did you teach? And I'm like, oh, sketch writing. And he's like, so you talk comedy? He's like, is that good? Is that good for the kids that you're teaching?
- [18:59]
C
All right, so let's get down to it. Oh, and then I ran a 5k the next day. Yeah, Tom and Bert threw a 5k run. Not for charity, just to promote their fucking vodka or whatever is. Whatever. Whatever they said.
- [19:14]
D
Really?
- [19:14]
C
Yeah. I mean, whatever it was, it was just. I think it was a spur of the moment thing. And then Netflix got behind it, and all of a sudden there was like 5,000 people running a 5K.
- [19:25]
D
Yeah.
- [19:26]
C
And I think Bert and Bert, actually, he ran it twice. And the first time he ran it, his film crew ran him over in the golf cart and, like, ripped his shoe off and he fell down. He had to get up and finish running. And then the second one, I started with him, and then Tom, Papa and Tom. And this time Jelly Roll walked it with. With Burt.
- [19:52]
D
Right.
- [19:53]
C
And so I was. I kind of trained for it. I probably ran maybe eight times or so. And I built up. I built it up to, you know, 5K is not that big a deal. You've run marathon, so it's nothing. But I ran it with Tom Papa and he did his radio show and we had a crew running in front of us, interview. And we were. We talked the whole time. We're shitting on people. And I was so worried. Like, I bought headphones because I was like, all right, I gotta finish this race, I gotta finish. And then I ended up not wearing the headphones. Like, I didn't want anyone talking to me, but it was no problem. Talking kind of made it easier.
- [20:29]
D
Oh, good for you. Well, yeah, that's impressive, though. It definitely takes more wind.
- [20:33]
C
Yeah. And so that was fun.
- [20:37]
D
And then Bird is such a full blown character. I mean, he was such an easy target. People wrote a disproportionate amount of jokes about him. Like, Sam J. Did a whole thing about him. We gave Tom Brady a really one of the better jokes. And he didn't do it about Bert. He's like, bert, here you are with. What kind of comic are you, with your shirt off all the time? He's like, richard Pryor didn't take his shirt off when it was on fire. So I told Bert that Bert died laughing.
- [21:08]
C
Nikki was so subtle. She's like, bert, you take your shirt off. People don't take their shirt off. And you take your shirt off. It was just so. It was such a great thing.
- [21:17]
D
Yeah, yeah, no, that was really great. And then Bert also. Did you see on social media, he's. The camera caught him because the prompter was so big in the middle of the forum and all of them are facing it. Bert was mouthing the words of everybody's jokes.
- [21:34]
C
Was he really?
- [21:35]
D
Yes. And he himself just posted that on Instagram. But I noticed that during the show, I'm like, oh, my God, he's mouthing the words of other people's jokes.
- [21:44]
C
That's hilarious.
- [21:45]
D
Yeah.
- [21:46]
C
We want to thank Craig Goodet, who did the logo. He is one of our main contributors for logos. It is Putin and Kim Jong Un and you get to be Putin, apparently. Great song, Sam Firmino. It is a barbershop quartet. And again, always listen to the end of the show. We play the song in its entirety because we're only playing the first 34 seconds of this one, but it's like a three minute song and it's really great. Some corrections coming in. It says, from Rob Mitchell, Mike didn't like the old Simpsons comic strip from before it was a cartoon. Did Mike mean life in hell when he said he didn't like it?
- [22:29]
D
Yeah.
- [22:30]
C
So, yeah, that was from the Tracey Ullman show.
- [22:33]
D
Yep. I didn't really like it. I thought, you know, it was like negative and nerdy, but, you know, like that great comedian from Ohio. Carp. Carp or something. I didn't, I didn't like, love his stuff either. Like, they're. It's very dark. I don't know.
- [22:51]
C
All right.
- [22:52]
D
It's probably funnier than I remember.
- [22:53]
C
Joe says in your discussion of side hugs, you. I was talking about how I don't like when women hug you from like, you go in for the front hug and they throw you the fucking. The rib cage. You accidentally, we assume, said, I'm not a pervert as many as three times. Quick review of your Blondie Reads episode Inception 428 clearly refute this, I think. Would you consider me to be a pervert?
- [23:22]
D
Well, what makes me uncomfortable is when they go for the side hug, you stay straight on them and put your knees around their body and they slide in sideways into your crotch. I think that's a little pervy.
- [23:35]
C
It's, it's. It's a spoon and a fork combined.
- [23:39]
D
You actually love when they side hug. You just won't reciprocate.
- [23:43]
C
Well, the thing, what I do is I continue going in for the, for the. With the arms around and the hand ends up right on the tip. Yeah, but would you consider me a pervert?
- [23:54]
D
No. I mean, you're, you're open about your sexuality. Not sexuality, your sexual activity. And, and so I think. And, and I was going to say, but you have just as much as everyone else. You might have a little more, I don't think. And I know it's probably tapered. I hope it's tapered off, but I don't think a lot of people have been masturbating on planes as much as you.
- [24:20]
C
Yeah, well, you know, and your feet thing.
- [24:23]
D
But feet doesn't make you a pervert. It's just a. It's just a kink, you know, it's
- [24:29]
C
not even a kink. It's. It's a, it's an appreciation that there's a difference between a foot fetish.
- [24:34]
D
You're window shopping. Yeah.
- [24:35]
C
And. Yeah, I'm just, Just checking them out. I just like, as somebody looks at, you know, teeth. Everybody's got a body part that they focus on.
- [24:44]
D
This tone of voice right now, though, makes me think you are a pervert.
- [24:47]
C
Yeah.
- [24:47]
D
This defensive because.
- [24:49]
C
No, the reason I just. I'm editing my one hour special and people are giving me notes and saying that you should take out the. There's like three or four bits that are really pervy. I mean, you know my act, the one about, like, looking at the couple having sex in the next hotel room?
- [25:07]
D
Yeah. I love that one, though.
- [25:08]
C
Really?
- [25:09]
D
Yeah.
- [25:10]
C
All right, so maybe I'll leave it in. So I. I don't know.
- [25:13]
D
I've had. Because wait, what they're missing, though, is you're the loser in that story.
- [25:17]
C
Yes.
- [25:19]
D
And so. And pathetic. And you lean totally in.
- [25:24]
C
Yes. Right, right.
- [25:26]
D
That's what I. That's right.
- [25:27]
C
So maybe I'll keep it in. I don't know. But, yeah, I started to wonder if I'm a perv. And then Bob Patterson said, summa cum laude, not suda. Calm. Loudy. Oh, it's come. Loudy. Okay. Lost leader. Not lost leader. I never said lost leader. Matt Groening. Not Matt Groening.
- [25:51]
D
I said Groening.
- [25:53]
C
Bob. By the way, Bob is a. He's a master level correctionist. He comes.
- [25:59]
D
He.
- [25:59]
C
He finds the real minutia, which is fascinating.
- [26:03]
D
Yeah. He's fact checking that they played the jets on that day right now. I'm sure.
- [26:08]
C
Mamaroneck, New York. Not far from where you grew up. The Emmeline Theater on May 31.
- [26:15]
D
I got married in Mamaroneck.
- [26:16]
C
Right. And divorced in La Escondido Grand Comedy Club, June 7th and 8th, Pittsburgh. I'll be at the WDVE Festival June 21st with Harlan Williams. Buffalo, New York. The Darien Lake Amphitheater with Bert Kreischer, June 23rd.
- [26:31]
D
Wow.
- [26:32]
C
Yeah. That's going to be fun.
- [26:34]
D
Jesus. Buffalo. At least it's June. One quick story about Mamarotic. Very tiny one time. Matt Dillon, right. Who's from America. He came to the Kilbourne show, and he was like, too cool for school. A little, like, you know, a tough egg to crack. And he was. I had to go meet him because he didn't want to do five questions. I'm like, everyone does. He's like, all right, well, what are the answers? I'm like, craig will fire anyone who gives the talent the answers. They were all real, so whatever. So I'm hanging in the wings with him, and it's a little awkward, and there's no way to, like, break the ice. And so finally I just say to him, and he's from Americ. And I knew that. And I go, pizza Mia in Eastchester is better than Sal's on American Avenue. And he goes, you go yourself. And then we, like, hit it off and everything, talking about pizzerias.
- [27:22]
C
That's funny. Yeah. When I used to hang out at the Bars on. Remember North Avenue in Nourishel? That strip of bars where you could get in underage?
- [27:30]
D
No, I was in boarding school.
- [27:32]
C
Well, we used to go over to NeuroShellMarocker, right next to each other. It's all the guidos and. Oh, yeah, and Eastchester, which I think you used to call Greece Chester.
- [27:41]
D
I did, and everyone else did. Yes.
- [27:43]
C
So we used to go to these bars, and he was from. He was from there. And so when he was like, 18, he was already a star, and we all were at some bar, and he had this fucking collection of douchebags. They used to act like they were in some kind of a gang, and they would, like, stand in a circle around him at the bar, and they would, like, let girls in to talk to him. It was so gross.
- [28:10]
D
No, it's like Entourage.
- [28:11]
C
It was like Entourage.
- [28:13]
D
Well, the Upper east side, there was legends. He would just come in and take a girl into the bathroom, you know, very, very consensual and 100% more than consensual. She. They would throw themselves at him.
- [28:27]
C
You don't see him anymore, do you?
- [28:29]
D
He's in something new. Because I noticed the same thing. I was like, oh, I haven't seen him in a while. But his. Something about Mary was.
- [28:36]
C
Something about Mary was amazing.
- [28:37]
D
I just know that wasn't recent, but.
- [28:39]
C
Yeah, you know, it's recent is the basketball playoffs. They are so good this year.
- [28:48]
D
We're going to talk about it later.
- [28:49]
C
Yeah.
- [28:49]
D
I'm a Knicks fan, and I don't give a shit that I'm bandwagon. And we'll talk about it later.
- [28:54]
C
Prize picks is the way you can get really excited about it. It's America's number one fantasy sport app. It's got 5 million members. So much fun to do it this way. You watch your favorite players, and you pick more or less on two or more player stats, and you can win up to a hundred times your cash. So you. It's. It's just, like. It's just fun. And you can. I've had winning up to 100 times my money this basketball season.
- [29:24]
D
Jalen Brunson, New York. Nick more than 30 points. And then Tyrese Halliburton, that bastard, for more than 10 assists. That's. That's the one I'm going with.
- [29:35]
C
Okay. I like that. It's available in 30 states across the country, including California, Texas, and Georgia. I made my first $10 deposit, and I got an instant $10 bonus. You can turn all that into that $10 into $1,000. But just so much fun this week. I'm looking at Anthony Edwards for more than 29 points and Jokic for more than 10 rebounds. That is another one. Download the app today, use code papers for a first deposit match of up to $100. Download the app today, use code papers for a first deposit match of up to $100. Prize picks. Pick more, pick less. It's that easy. Also, support from Sunday Papers comes from Game Time. They boy, do they love us. They've been a sponsor for a long time.
- [30:35]
D
Well, we genuinely like them. And I'm not just saying that like I was looking. I was going to have to buy. Oh, yeah, by the way, you got offered a ticket to the roast, right?
- [30:44]
C
I did not. Thank you very much. I appreciate that.
- [30:47]
D
I had Laura call you and Erin.
- [30:49]
C
I did not go.
- [30:51]
D
No, she said you couldn't go.
- [30:54]
C
She. Maybe Aaron intercepted it from me. I didn't get it.
- [30:58]
D
I had proof. Anyway, I was thinking I needed more tickets, especially if you had said yes. And so I was on game time and Game Time had the roast and it was perfect. They were like declining as it got closer. The exact idea. So here I have Discover for Los Angeles. Let's see. This should be kind of a game. Gregory, if you wanted to see the Royals at the Angels tonight, how much do you think you'd pay on game time right now?
- [31:22]
C
Probably 120.
- [31:24]
D
$10. What? And by the way, that's the all in price which differentiates game time from the others. You don't have to do like, oh, I bet it's freaking double. That's the all in price. They give you a view from the seats. Killer last minute deals.
- [31:42]
C
We're talking sports, we're talking comedy, we're talking music, we're talking theater, everything.
- [31:49]
D
Absolutely. You can customize your spot. They have flash deals, zone deals, and then let's see what else is on here because I'm on Discover, which is. All right, so there's a lot of plays on here. Okay, how about Aladdin? Aladdin is today at 2 o'. Clock. How much you think Aladdin goes for?
- [32:10]
C
Aladdin goes for
- [32:13]
D
78, 57. You're pretty good on that.
- [32:16]
C
All right. All right.
- [32:17]
D
And then there's the Dodgers. Music, sports shows, everything. On Game Time app, you can choose a section and let gametime choose the seats. All in prices, which I mentioned. Game Time, your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry. So take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time download the Gametime app. Create an account and use code papers for $20 off your first purchase terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code P A P E r s for $20 off. Download game time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed.
- [32:58]
C
Can we get a crinkle to begin?
- [33:03]
D
Extra, extra. We all about it. Extra.
- [33:12]
C
There we go. The Boy Scouts of America announced Tuesday it will change its name to Scouting America next February to emphasize its commitment to inclusion. Though our name will be new, our mission remains unchanged, boys.
- [33:28]
D
And I hope it doesn't remain unchanged.
- [33:31]
C
We're committed to teaching young people to be prepared for life. This will be simple but very important evolution as we seek to ensure that everyone feels welcome in scouting. Girls age 7 to 10 years have been able to join the Scouting organization's program since 2018, with girls age 11 to 17 being permitted to join a year later. The decision to change its name has predictably been heavily criticized by right wing organizations who have called the decision woke.
- [34:01]
D
It's not woke. They're rebranding because it's, it's, it's a pedophile ring.
- [34:08]
C
Yeah. I mean, yeah. And also, girls are not scouts. They're cookie salesmen. They are corporate shills. Boy Scouts are fucking soldiers. Rwanda, Somalia, Yemen. They got boy soldiers. They're beasts. And there will come a day, mark my words, where we are gonna have to send our boy soldiers in to go up against them. And, and we don't need half the army to be selling cookies and getting their first period. We need fucking savages.
- [34:41]
D
And how, how did girls come to be joining the Boy Scouts back when they were called that anyway? Like, so did families hear, like, okay, so it's, they go in the woods and they set up a ton of rape tents. And that's what happens to our little boys. Can girls come?
- [34:59]
C
Yeah.
- [35:00]
D
Will you take girl? Will you take our daughters, please?
- [35:03]
C
Yeah. Well, yeah, no, it's pretty crazy. Do you remember the old joke? I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts for eating brownies. That's going to happen a lot more now.
- [35:16]
D
Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right. I get it now. I know. I was trying to remember the joke. It is a little. Good luck with the rebranding.
- [35:27]
C
This is, this goes into the next one. The maker of the Swiss army knife is working on a new version of the classic Multi tool, which won't have a blade. With innovation at the core of our brand, we are constantly listening to our consumers and their needs, acknowledging there's an appetite for the functionality, versatility and craftsmanship. The Swiss army knife is known for. So they said he's concerned with increasingly stringent regulations on knives. And Mark. All right, let's consider. This knife is really mostly for boy Scouts. It should have a fucking switchblade. It should have mace and a rape whistle.
- [36:09]
D
I think the knife technically is the least used part. I use the corkscrew more than anything.
- [36:16]
C
Oh, yeah. I use the little screwdriver, the little Phillips head.
- [36:20]
D
Yeah. I mean, it used to be in my shave kit till they didn't allow them on planes anymore. So now it's a drag. And by the way, I heard an article on this, and they totally pivoted after 9 11. And leaned into what? Cause all of a sudden no one was buying Swiss army knives because you couldn't travel with them, which is what they're made for.
- [36:38]
C
Yes. And also, can we break this down? And I'm sure comedians in the 80s probably beat this to death, but do the Swiss even have an army? Don't they generally surrender in the first five or 10 minutes of a war?
- [36:51]
D
No, it's. It's. It's even not worse, but it's even more exaggerated than that. It's a neutral country.
- [36:57]
C
Yeah.
- [36:58]
D
I don't know. I guess there is an army. We'll get corrections. But of all armies to defang, I think the Swiss one's safe. You can take the knives out of the. Out of the.
- [37:11]
C
I think that's why they have a corkscrew in it, because while they're being invaded, they just. They. They just open champagne. Nobody's dying. Yeah, we're just going to hang out
- [37:20]
D
with the Nazis, like the Boy Scouts. Can I recommend a rebranding and call it a Swiss Army Spoon? I remember there used to be fat ones with a spoon on it.
- [37:31]
C
Really?
- [37:31]
D
Oh, yeah.
- [37:33]
C
I love these tweezers. I always like the tweezers. There's a little pick for your teeth, which is nice.
- [37:40]
D
A pen. Remember the little pen?
- [37:41]
C
The pan? How about the saw? The tiniest in the world. Yeah, I guess it was more of a file. No, no, there was one that had a. Like a little saw on it.
- [37:52]
D
Yes. And then. Well, they're still really fat ones. And then a can opener. That was. That was very useful.
- [37:58]
C
Yeah.
- [37:59]
D
For camping.
- [38:00]
C
Speaking of useful, a cat may have been. May. A cat may have used a couple of its nine lives when it was accidentally shipped with an Amazon return from Utah to California, they got a call that their cat was missing. Carrie Clark said her family's indoor cat, Galena, mysteriously disappeared. Everyone searched around. Nobody could find it. And then on April 17, they got a text that her, the cat's microchip had been scanned. And they got a call from a vet in California, said that they found the cat inside an Amazon box along five pairs of work boots.
- [38:42]
D
So it was still an indoor cat just in a box?
- [38:46]
C
Yeah, he was wearing the boots. That was crazy. Thank God there was two pairs. I told my husband and we broke down the. The box was a try before you buy and filled with steel. So anyway, the cat lived for six days without food or water. And you know, I think, I think Amazon felt so bad, they sent the cat home on express delivery. They opened up the box, the cat immediately walked across the room and ignored them.
- [39:19]
D
If you have cats and you just heard this story and you're leaving for a weekend, you don't have to do anything. No, don't worry about food, don't worry about. Just, just put it in a box and leave it in the kitchen.
- [39:34]
C
Right.
- [39:35]
D
It's going to get jostled a lot less than this cat.
- [39:39]
C
Yeah, the cats are sort of like the abused wives of the, of the animal world. You can just ignore them. You just lock them in with a little bit of food in the corner. Come back seven days later.
- [39:52]
D
You know, when I read this story, I think you cut down the story a little. It was more quotes from the owner. Owner. Galena's owner, I guess. And it was an emotional support cat. And then she was just absolutely crushed. Searched the neighbor and everything. And my, my first take on it was it sounds like the cat was glad to be in the box and get away from the needy owner. Like too much stress and responsibility on that cat.
- [40:21]
C
Yeah. Being shipped in steerage across the country is a lot more relaxing than being stroked. So bad my fucking, fucking fur is falling out.
- [40:29]
D
Amazon delivery guy kicking it up to the door.
- [40:32]
C
Yeah, completely. You want to read this next one?
- [40:35]
D
Michigan mom miraculously wakes up from five year coma. Jennifer Flew Willen shocked everyone, including doctors and medical experts when she woke up from a five year coma. The 41 year old mother of three from Michigan suffered a catastrophe catastrophic injuries in September when her car five years ago when her car swerved across a roadway and struck utility pole. So there's not really much to that story except I thought about, imagine waking up after five years. Like did I miss anything? Is Trump still President Prince Harry and Meghan, they just had their son Archie. Is that going well? Is the queen, the queen still happy about that? Why am I seeing people wearing hospital masks and I've left the hospital and also my kids don't seem any smarter at all. Have they been studying?
- [41:28]
C
Yeah, right. My fat grandkids seem to be. Not only that, but she. They gave her great news when she woke up. She had two more kids, but her male nurse is in prison, so that's a bigger family.
- [41:45]
D
That's a busy coma, that.
- [41:47]
C
Well, did you see Kill Bill? I was thinking of Kill that night. Her husband said, it's time to go to sleep, honey. And she's like, I'm good. Pretty well rested for a little while.
- [41:56]
D
That's insane. Five. These five years. And do you think in a way. I think any five years from here on in will just be batshit crazy. Like, I know everyone says that, but I think the years are getting crazier.
- [42:13]
C
Oh, yeah. I don't think there's been a bigger technological and political shift in this country in a five year period ever. Maybe the Industrial revolution.
- [42:25]
D
Imagine catching her up to AI, like, hey, what? Wait, what? That was a movie by Spielberg with a little boy. So there are little boy robots? No, no, it's way more insidious than that.
- [42:34]
C
Yeah. Meanwhile, all this technology and in five years, you couldn't shake me out of a deep sleep.
- [42:43]
D
Right?
- [42:45]
C
Two teens were kicked out of their elite California Catholic school while falsely accused of wearing blackface. They've been jointly awarded more than a million dollars after proving it was just a green acne face mask. They were 14 when they took a photo during a sleepover and wearing the treatment in solidarity with a friend suffering from severe acne. The treatment, bought by some of the women's moms, was light green when applied and turned dark green once it was dry. Well, maybe they can use the million dollars on some Accutane and. And not fucking put masks on.
- [43:27]
D
Sounds. I mean, green face. Sounds like an Irish slam.
- [43:32]
C
Yeah. They were dressed as the Statue of Liberty.
- [43:37]
D
Well, they. They got. It was. I don't think they should have gotten in trouble because the article leaves out that these kids were black.
- [43:44]
C
If. If they're black, what's it. Yeah, they're all gonna buy. They got a million dollars. You know, they're all buying like sports cars and some cool new new clothes, but still not getting laid with that
- [43:57]
D
nasty acne, by the way, from someone who did have terrible acne in high school. No, thank you. Don't. I don't want solidarity. I don't want anyone drawing attention to it.
- [44:10]
C
Please.
- [44:10]
D
Thank you.
- [44:11]
C
Yeah, yeah, especially.
- [44:13]
D
Especially when you don't need it. Don't. Don't wear a mask. Like, I need Yeah.
- [44:17]
C
I don't need my friends all getting together and not fucking their wives because I have erectile dysfunction. Let me just quietly sob in the corner of my bed while my wife fucking buzzes off again.
- [44:29]
D
No, Greg, let me, let me in. Solidarity. We're really, we're best friends. Let me, let me do a penis pump online just to raise awareness for your issues. Yeah, yeah. By the way, too late. But I thought of a funny joke. When the woman wakes up out of a coma and she's like, as to fill out the form, she's like, what? What do you mean? What are my pronouns? What are you talking about? Yeah, that's changed.
- [44:59]
C
Yeah. What is.
- [45:01]
D
How do I identify? I identify as awake.
- [45:09]
C
Yeah. My pronouns are here and present.
- [45:14]
D
Totally. All right, I saw this. This story actually got sent to me. And because I do this, an LA man uses a mannequin to drive in the carpool lane. Santa Fe Springs, California. The Los Angeles man finally got an answer to the age old question, does a mannequin count as a second occupant for the carpool if it sits in a passenger seat? And the answer was no. Officer Kaplan made the enforcement stop after the driver allegedly crossed solid double lines. Listen, that's one thing I won't do. I'm not going to break the law more than I'm already breaking the law if I have a mannequin in the passenger seat. When I worked in Burbank, every day I got one and I think I've talked about it on this podcast. And the one time that I thought I was going to get pulled over for some, somehow there was more of a left lane than the carpool lane. And a cop was there on his motorcycle looking straight into the windshields because everyone has their, their, their windows tinted. And you and I used to put like tennis rackets with hats on them when we worked at Allen to get bad to get back. So anyway, it is not a traffic violation, but it's a fine. That's why I was like, you know What? I'll pay $250 if I get caught once in a year.
- [46:36]
C
Yeah.
- [46:36]
D
To cut off hours.
- [46:38]
C
Right, right.
- [46:39]
D
On the, on the commute. So anyway, I've talked about it before, I think, but when I saw the cop, I picked up my coffee and I pretended to be in an animated argument with my mannequin. And the saddest part of it was I was really yelling at it. Like I didn't have to. I could have just mimed it, but I was like, how could you say that, like.
- [47:01]
C
Yeah, at that point, you were at the.
- [47:05]
D
In the.
- [47:05]
C
In the. The death throes of your marriage. So you actually lost the argument.
- [47:10]
D
Oh, totally. You were just so used to what I said.
- [47:16]
C
And then I guess the officers confiscated the blow up doll, took it to the evidence room, and fucked the shit out of it.
- [47:24]
D
There's a lot more DNA on it now.
- [47:28]
C
Entertainment. Let's do it.
- [47:30]
D
Let's do it. All right, what do we got? Roast chokes. All right, let me find. I guess we'll start with Ron Burgundy.
- [47:50]
C
Did you guys write for Ron Burgundy or he did it on his own?
- [47:54]
D
No, we wrote a ton, and he didn't use any of it. But it was part of the. Part of the show which was the most exhausting part is we wrote a lot to book people. All right, here's. Here's one. So we wrote a lot for Schwarzenegger. We were trying to convince him to fly from Toronto where he was working, and. And do the roast. So we rode one for Schwarzenegger. Here we go. I'm going to do the Schwarzenegger voice because it's painful for everyone, and I enjoy that. But he was like. He goes, thank you, Kevin. It's nice to see a heart that doesn't need a pacemaker, because his pacemaker. And he goes, but to be fair, you're the only heart that should be enlarged. And he then goes to Tom, do you mind if I light up with a cigar? He's like, of course you mind. You're scared of strawberries. So the angle on Schwarzenegger was then going to be. He's convincing him. And I'm not going to read the whole thing to do action movies, but he had a lot of good jokes, which was. Let's see, we have. Oh. He goes, clearly, you've. The one thing you've never done is gone to the gym. We have a nickname for guys like you at the gym. Receptionist. I like that one. Here, I'll read you some Belichick. We wrote. Thank you. Ron Burgundy, he did that one. The only member of the media I respect. I got two words for the producers of this show. Clock management. Let's see. He did a lot that we wrote for me, rejected a bunch, and then we kind of got what he wanted to go after.
- [49:31]
C
I've rejected every one of these jokes so far.
- [49:34]
D
Really?
- [49:35]
C
Yeah.
- [49:36]
D
All right, here was a good one about Edelman. We wrote it for Tom, and Tom didn't want to do it. We did it for a lot of other people. But it. And I just I just gave away the joke. But it was basically when Tom. When Tom was splitting from Giselle, Edelman asked and. Which was unbelievable. Edelman asked, do you mind if I hit that? And Giselle said, sure. He's all yours. We like that joke a lot.
- [50:03]
C
That's good.
- [50:04]
D
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. Kim Kardashian. I'm single now. That's what Bill Belichick. We wanted him to say. He would not say it. Julian, you're looking sharp. I almost didn't recognize you without Tom's ass on the tip of your nose. Our dynasty. Dickie wrote this one. Our dynasty was not without scandal. Like the time we had a murderer on the team. Of course, I'm not talking about that one. I'm talking about the time Gronk pet those rabbits to death.
- [50:36]
C
Pet them to death. That's hilarious.
- [50:39]
D
I love that one.
- [50:43]
C
That might have been too literate for that stupid crowd.
- [50:46]
D
Yeah, it might have been. It might have been. And Randy Moss, by the way, had such a good angle, which was his angle, which is he was up there between cheating scandals and. Why didn't you all cheat when I was up there? We wrote so many funny jokes. He's like, by the way, the one time you had a black guy to pin it on in Boston, you didn't cheat. That was a great one I wanted him to do. Nikki graduated from the University of Kansas with a degree in English Literature, which I'm sure came in handy as her job as the. As the host of Fuckboy Island. Nikki used to be a tight end, but now she's pushing 50. Nikki, thank you for taking time off. Off? Making the baristas at Starbucks miserable to be here tonight. And that didn't work. Let's see. Naturally, Gronk is worried about testing for CTE because he hasn't studied. Oh. Gronk has a lot of injuries over his career, mainly from motorbike. Motorboating. The Jugs machine.
- [51:47]
C
What's the Jugs Machine?
- [51:48]
D
The Jugs machine. Is that the big two wheels that throw footballs?
- [51:53]
C
Oh. All right, let's do some sports.
- [51:57]
D
Where the. Here we go. This is how pathetic I am, but I don't think it's pathetic. I'm proud that I bailed on the knicks the last 15 to 20 years. I tried occasionally, but since Ewing in that era, it's just too much. As everyone knows, I'm a Jets fan.
- [52:27]
C
Oakley, Starks. That. That was the last time I watched the next.
- [52:33]
D
I was so into it.
- [52:34]
C
Yeah.
- [52:35]
D
And it's been since 19, I believe it's 73 that they won. It's ridiculous.
- [52:45]
C
Yeah.
- [52:46]
D
And The jets is 69. And my favorite Yankees were winless. It was Don Mattingly's years. He was my. He's my favorite Yankee of all time.
- [52:57]
C
70s.
- [52:58]
D
No, no, no. That was 80s. Don Mattingly was. Is still my favorite Yankee of all time.
- [53:04]
C
Dave Winfield, who is the pitcher. And the New York Rangers, Ron Guidry,
- [53:12]
D
also the New York Rangers, Hunter Thurman bandwagon with them also. They're. They're killing it. But the Rangers also, one win since 1940.
- [53:22]
C
No, no. The Rangers got the Stanley cup back in like 94. Maybe one win. Yeah, one.
- [53:33]
D
That's what I just said.
- [53:34]
C
Oh, oh, okay. I said. I thought you said they haven't won since then.
- [53:38]
D
No. One win. They didn't win one. Didn't Tampa Bay beat them? Just recent. I mean.
- [53:43]
C
Yes. Well, you know. You know, it's an exciting team too, is the Boston Bruins. I. Even though I'm from New York and I grew up a Rangers fan, it's so funny. Like, that era of time, I was so much more into New York sports. I was into the Mets, you know, in the 80s, like, right when they won the World Series. I don't know the Rangers, Barry Beck and the Maloney brothers and Esposito's final years. But. But no, the Rangers now look great. People hate. We talk about sports because we really don't know shit about it. But it's very true. It's time to get on the bandwagon again.
- [54:26]
D
I. Oh, that's my whole point. Are you kidding me? It's. And they play today. Today. We're going to pretend is Sunday and they play today. Okay, I'm not giving up on this burgundy script. I'm finding this Burgundy script. Stay tuned. I'm reading a Burgundy script, and it's going to be fucking awesome. You go ahead.
- [54:46]
C
Ok. Let's get to this day in history.
- [54:50]
D
Oh, God, I got to do that.
- [54:52]
C
You can do it.
- [54:53]
D
All right, here we go. The Burgundy script was fucking right here. Oh, here. I found it. But first, this day in history. This day in history. All right, Greg, you ready to play?
- [55:09]
C
Let's play.
- [55:10]
D
Okay. Give or take. What should I do here? 10 years. The first flight over the North Pole.
- [55:22]
C
Flight over the North Pole.
- [55:24]
D
A Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen and American scientist Lincoln Ellsworth, an Italian engineer. Forget that guy. Made the first undisputed flight over the North Pole on this day in what year?
- [55:40]
C
I'm going to go with 19 oh, seven.
- [55:48]
D
1926.
- [55:49]
C
Oh, so close.
- [55:50]
D
1907. You got to think about airplanes.
- [55:53]
C
Oh, yeah. Wait, World War I had planes, so that was, like, 1917. So. So it took them six years after that to fly over the North Pole.
- [56:03]
D
Yeah, well, I mean, I don't think it was prioritized.
- [56:06]
C
All right.
- [56:07]
D
Okay. George Carlin, one of our heroes, was born on this day. In what year? Give or take four years.
- [56:15]
C
He was born in 1936.
- [56:22]
D
Good Lord. 1937.
- [56:24]
C
Nice.
- [56:26]
D
Give or take one year. Exile on Main street came out from the Rolling Stones.
- [56:32]
C
Exile on Main street came out in 1972.
- [56:44]
D
I nailed that. I nailed that. I think I knew you were going to say that. Okay, the Donner Party left Independence, Missouri, for California on this date. In what year? Give or take 25 years.
- [57:01]
C
All right, I'm going to say 1815.
- [57:07]
D
No, sir. 1846.
- [57:09]
C
Oh, Jesus. During the Civil War. Where was The Civil War? 1860 or 1840?
- [57:17]
D
1865 was when it ended, I believe. Let's see if there's anything else. But we might have covered it there. There wasn't a lot here. Richie Valens. Whatever. Pope. But it wasn't a big Pope day. A lot of birthdays. I guess we could do another birthday. Why don't we do one more? Let me see if I can make it interesting. Lena Dunham. Not interesting.
- [57:45]
C
Again, for this, for the sake of a tight show, you could always, like, pick a few in advance and go, right.
- [57:51]
D
This one, Katherine Hepburn was born on this day in what year? And I'm going to say, give or
- [57:59]
C
take 10, she was born in 1927.
- [58:05]
D
No, sir. 1907.
- [58:08]
C
No shit. Really?
- [58:10]
D
Yes.
- [58:10]
C
Oh, yeah. I guess African Queen would have been in the. In the, like, 1960. Right.
- [58:18]
D
Okay. Are you ready? This is what I should have. I couldn't find it. It was on a PDF and I fucking was looking in word, Ron Burgundy. You ready?
- [58:26]
C
Yeah.
- [58:27]
D
This is what we wrote for Ron Burgundy. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. The LGBTQ NFL. This is the greatest quarterback of all time. Is this a fucking joke? Does all time include the 20th century when there were men? We had performance enhancing drugs in my day, and we called them drugs. They did coke and fucked on the field, Tom. There was a guy named Fran who was more of a man than you. Joe Namath did blow out of a hooker's asshole last week. Kenny Stabler's nickname was Snake. Mean Joe Green's real name was Mean Dick Butkus, for God's sake. That's a real man. What do we have now Tom Terrific. My cock just threw up in its mouth. And what's a Julian Edelman? They play now. Back in my day, the only people taking a knee were cheerleaders. As God intended. It used to be the Steel Curtain and Purple People eaters. What is it now? The Legion of Boom. I'm sorry, was kapow taken? And they'll always be the Redskins to me. Every team should do the Tomahawk Chop. Especially the Patriots. You were the first to kill them. Hockey's the only sport still on the name game. The Predators. Stranger danger. I was watching the other day, and I swear I saw a girl referee. Good luck with her. Truth and male cheerleader. Cheerleaders. What kind of Filipino dive bar is this Somehow NFL. You've become gayer than European football. And then we gave him the O.J. simpson run. Okay, cool it. Everyone knows it's a coincidence about O.J. simpson, except for Aaron Rodgers. But tonight's. But tonight's Tom's roast. And OJ's was three weeks ago. So that was. That was like a sample that the room put together for him and sent. But, you know, they're very territorial, as they should be, with the Ron Burgundy character and stuff. That's great, but we love that soft angle. We also did, like, names of teams, and it was. We did another run for him, and it was really, really funny.
- [60:44]
C
All right, don't forget, people. Koozie still on sale. We got a Hefty bag in the corner of Mike's apartment that's just screaming by me. $10 all in, including shipping. Go to fitzdog.com. get them now. And they're all going out. There's no longer a slam. They're going out day of now. We have no obituary this week. Nobody we cared about died this week. Unless you guys have thought of somebody we missed.
- [61:13]
D
I know. I. An entertainment reporter here in LA who everybody really liked. That was about it.
- [61:19]
C
All right. And then the Sunday funnies, a guy named Dane said, I think I figured it out. You guys fly through the Sunday paid funnies with nothing but pure criticism. Which is fine, because you guys have shown a light on how unfunny most of it is. Untrue. Dane, I am a huge fan of the Lockhorns, and I think we. I think we. We read some really funny ones week in and week out. However, you have a slew of budding artists in your fandom, and you're basically a middle aged gay couple at this point. Especially after Mike disregarded your funny premise, which in itself was Laugh out loud funny. What was my funny premise?
- [61:55]
D
I don't know.
- [61:56]
C
So I put it to you guys make a three panel funny or just a one panel Far side style joke every week. You guys clearly have the confidence to do so and just throw a couple bucks to an artist who can create the panel, then post it every week to the socials. Maybe even a caption contest for a free beer koozie. What are we, the New Yorker?
- [62:18]
D
Yeah, I don't know. This is a job. This is in like a one off. While I'm boiling water, I'm gonna write a cartoon.
- [62:26]
C
Yeah, this sound sounds like real work. Maybe you've confused us with how did this thing get made?
- [62:33]
D
But I'm just saying, if I did that right, this is. This is, I think our point. If I just try to do it rather easily and with no effort, it would be probably a little better than Family Circus. Which means it's still.
- [62:51]
C
Yes,
- [62:54]
D
but it's like if you give me the Family Circus panel, you and I could come up with better jokes for it. But people already do that. People already.
- [63:01]
C
You know, here's something interesting. What if we get God, more fan submissions? Could be a lot of work. They send in a submission and then we put it on the YouTube. People write captions and we read them the next week. Or that's going to be even less funny.
- [63:17]
D
No caption this. I bet we can get some good ones. Yeah, why don't we try one? Or someone send. Send in a cartoon panel. You can send in whatever the hell you want.
- [63:27]
C
Yeah, let's make it a single panel because that's the easiest one to make jokes for. Single panel cartoons. We will put it on the YouTube channel, maybe even post it on our Instagram account. And then, you guys, we will give a koozie to whoever has the funniest caption the following week. All right, good idea, Dane. Let's get to Hagar the Horrible. Or Hagar, depending on who you are. Crinkle. I know we already did a crinkle. There is a looks like a duke type of a gentleman, maybe an earl. And he's in bed with his wife, who has golden braided hair and a slice of cake inexplicably in her lap as they're going to bed. And the. The duke says, I hear strange noises in the castle. She says, go check it out and bring back a fork for my cake. And he goes, what if it's Hagger the Horrible and I don't make it back? She's like, I'll eat it with my hands. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If it's Haggar the Horrible, you're gonna be eating his ass. That's what you're gonna be eating.
- [64:37]
D
Oh, Jesus. Maybe you are a pervert.
- [64:40]
C
No, I mean, what's Hagar gonna do? What's the order of business? First of all, she's holding cake. It's his two favorite things, Cake and rape.
- [64:51]
D
Yeah, it's true. It's kind of like the scorpion. Like, who stings you? Like, what did you expect? I'm a scorpion. Yeah, what'd you expect? I rape. I'm hagger.
- [65:01]
C
And then we got. We got the Lockhorns. We got this multiple.
- [65:04]
D
1.
- [65:05]
C
But one of them was very funny. Is this a paleo? Yeah. She's. There's a guy doing card tricks at a party. It's a cocktail party. And there's nothing more annoying than a guy who does fucking magic at a cocktail party.
- [65:23]
D
Yeah.
- [65:24]
C
And she looks at Leroy, she looks at her friend, and she goes, leroy's good at card tricks, too. He can make all his money disappear playing poker.
- [65:34]
D
I like that.
- [65:36]
C
Leroy is at the dentist, and he looks at the dentist and he goes, I chipped a tooth on Loretta's chipped beef.
- [65:44]
D
It's okay. I like when he confronts Loretta about it.
- [65:49]
C
Leroy has got his pockets and they're pulled out of his pants. And Loretta goes, somewhere, there's a very disappointed pickpocket.
- [65:59]
D
The killer at his friend. That's a. That's a tough look.
- [66:02]
C
Yeah. Here's a great one. He's talking to Loretta, who's looking in the mirror, and he goes, you're afraid of turning it to your mother. Think how I feel.
- [66:14]
D
That's great.
- [66:15]
C
That's great.
- [66:16]
D
That's a good one. Okay, here we are again.
- [66:18]
C
Wait, one more. In the bottom corner, they're on a fishing boat. They both have fishing poles. And she goes, you're going to need a much smaller boat.
- [66:30]
D
A Jaws reference.
- [66:32]
C
Yeah.
- [66:33]
D
All right. Calvin and Hobbs. I'm doing the 15, I think funniest or whatever they're called. I think 15. Best, greatest Calvin and Hobbs of all time. This is number 11. I'm counting down from 15. So Calvin and Hobbs are together. Calvin's like, okay, Hobbs, press the button and duplicate me. Is he. He's in a cardboard box. I guess they're pretending it's a machine, right? And so Hobbs like, are you sure this is such a good idea? Calvin throws up his arms. Brother, you doubting Thomas is getting the way of More scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions. This is a brilliant idea. Hit the button, will you? Calvin's like, I. I mean, Hobbs. Like, I hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress. So here you go. Boink presses the button. Now Hobbs goes scientific prog. Progress goes boink. Are you following this? Did, oh, did he say boink from inside the box when he pressed the button?
- [67:40]
C
I guess so. Yeah.
- [67:41]
D
So then it's like scientific progress goes boink. And then from inside the box. It worked. It worked. I'm a genius. And then inside the box it goes, no, you're not, you liar. I invented this. I have no idea what's going on.
- [67:57]
C
I don't get that. No, you're not. Liar. I invented this.
- [68:02]
D
Oh, okay. He was duplicated. So now he's doing the voice of someone.
- [68:07]
C
Oh, that's not bad. That's hilarious. I like that.
- [68:13]
D
I guess the Hobbs doesn't seem amused now.
- [68:17]
C
Well, he's dead. Panning it. This is. You know, maybe he's not as animated because the boy's not there. He turns back into a stuffed animal. That's why.
- [68:27]
D
I mean, it could have been a time machine. You press it once, then you press it to get him back, and he's like, hear ye, hear ye. Like, you know, whatever.
- [68:35]
C
Okay. It's not bad.
- [68:38]
D
Sure.
- [68:39]
C
Speaking of not bad, here's 11th of all time. Blondie's wearing her classic black and whites. I love this. The black felt skirt. She's sitting at the breakfast table looking so sweet and pretty. And she's got her arm crossed and she's looking. She's not looking at her husband because he has chosen to put a newspaper in front of his face as she sits there waiting. And she goes, honey, did you forget your promise to stop reading the morning paper? At the table? He goes, I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's a bad habit I need to break. And she goes, there's that handsome face that I remember. And then he goes back to reading the fucking paper. She this hot piece of ass, this 10 is lying to you and saying that you're handsome. You should be so grateful. You should be staring into her eyes, begging her forgiveness for your mediocrity at your job. And then he goes. And then he goes, do you know anything about the new sandwich shop that's going in next to your catering shop? She goes, whoa. And she gets down and looks at the paper too. Kind of a dumb ending, but the first half is what gets me.
- [69:47]
D
That's. This is like his imagination. Maybe. Maybe that's what's going on? The whole thing is somehow from here. Like, that's why she hasn't left him.
- [69:56]
C
Right? That's true. This could all be some kind of an apparition. This could be like Dagwood. He fantasized about having this wife, and then even in his dream, couldn't step up and be the man that she needs to be.
- [70:11]
D
He's just a lonely guy in his apartment. He's never come near a blondie.
- [70:16]
C
Yeah, that's the best explanation I've ever heard for this.
- [70:20]
D
And it's called Blondie because it's. It's his fascination. It's his fantasy.
- [70:25]
C
Yep. Yep. All right, well, listen, speaking of fantasy, you can play sports with prize. Pick the number one fantasy sports app, and when you do it, you are going to download the app and use code papers for first deposit. Match up to $100. Also, don't forget game time, whether you're going to buy tickets for sports, theater, comedy, anything. Download game time today, create an account and use code papers for $20 off your first purchase. Thank you to Chris Denman for hanging with us today. Yeah, Midcoast Media out there in St. Louis taking care of all of your social marketing needs and editing and producing live events. They do so much. That's it. Anything to promote.
- [71:14]
D
Yeah. Next week, I'm going to have 10 jokes prepared on a piece of paper, and I'll read them. So sorry about the time waste today. Also, we told Denman we would talk about the. The Tom Brady. In my opinion, that Tom Brady yelling at Jeff Ross was real. And I have a story about that. And I can tell that next week, if this roast is still on people's minds.
- [71:39]
C
Good teaser. I love it.
- [71:41]
D
Little teaser.
- [71:42]
C
All right, Mike, I'll. I'll see you soon. Yeah.
- [71:46]
D
What are you doing? What are you doing for the Knicks tomorrow? Today?
- [71:50]
C
What time's the game?
- [71:52]
D
It's on Sunday. I. I don't know. I'm not that good of a fan.
- [71:57]
C
You mean Mother's Day?
- [71:58]
D
I'm just. Oh, it is Mother's Day.
- [72:01]
C
Although, if it's, like, at 3 in the afternoon, I could probably sneak it in. All right, we'll figure it out.
- [72:09]
D
We're going to figure it out.
- [72:10]
C
In the meantime, tonight I'm going to see Tim Robbins in a play because he's coming on my radio show on Tuesday. Wow. I say Monday, I got Andy Richter coming in. Tuesday, I've got Tim Robbins coming in. Big week on the podcast.
- [72:26]
D
I'd say so.
- [72:27]
C
All right. All right. I guess we'll see you guys later. Take it Eash Take it Eash
- [72:37]
B
Read all about it read all about it it's time for the Sunday papers podcast Mike on the left Greg on the right front page news and golfing shoes all that goblins is a funny do so let's get to that man that Florida man Then on to the funnies Loretta and Leroy Backwood and Blondie who Greg is so fondy but love all around for its winner I get me news and breaks my blues Just read all about it Come on read all about it and Ben always take it. Read all about it Read all about it and then always take it.
- [73:37]
D
Sam.
- [74:07]
B
But Bobbins is a funny dude so let's get to that man that Florida man Then onto the funnies Loretta and Leroy Dagwood and Blondie who break is so fondy but love all around for its wear I let me dos and breaks my blues Just read all Read all.