Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 296 1/11/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 296 (Jan 11, 2026)

Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons, Mike Gibbons
Produced by Gotham Production Studios | The Gotham Network

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Overview

In this episode, Greg and Mike deliver their weekly comedy spin on the news straight from the Sunday papers. The show blends behind-the-scenes gossip from the Golden Globes, irreverent banter about touring as comedians, quirky and controversial news stories, and running jokes about American culture. The tone oscillates between sharp satire, self-deprecating humor, and laugh-out-loud absurdity, all with a lived-in friendship energy.

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Episode Highlights and Key Discussions

1. Golden Globes: Behind-the-Scenes & Comedy Writing (00:29–10:22)

• Mike’s Experience as Golden Globes Head Writer:
  Mike shares the chaos of prepping for the Globes with host Nikki Glaser, describing long nights, last-minute script changes, stand-up club scouting, and writing as a group.

  “She’s doing four sets a night or something like that at clubs in LA, trying to perfect it...You just have to strike the right tone: not dwelling on [bad news], but also giving people an escape.” — Mike (01:30)

• Comedian Collaboration:
  Established comics like Tim Dillon, Kevin Nealon, and Judd Apatow drop into LA clubs, pitch tags and jokes directly to Nikki after her sets.

  “They all like pitch a tag or a joke. And she takes those very seriously.” — Mike (02:52)

• Balancing Humor and World Events:
  The writers work to make the Globes an entertaining break from heavy news, acknowledging, “Sometimes I need a break from the news and just really focus on my masturbation.” — Greg (00:52)

• Industry Gossip — The New Globes:
  The boys discuss reforms to the Hollywood Foreign Press amidst its comeback and newly diverse judging panel, the chaos around venue reconstruction, and old-school LA fixtures coming back.

  “…are there More judges that are black or Latino or gay or switching sides or having fun?” — Greg (10:50)
  “We have no idea. They’re trying to, but boy, they’re really overhauling the image.” — Mike (10:57)

• Teasing a Secret Pre-Taped Bit:
  Mike hints at a surprise cameo by one of Greg’s friends in a pre-recorded Globes bit. (12:10)

2. Greg’s Tour Life: Cleveland, Clubs, and Rock & Roll (05:49–08:48)

• Performing at Hilarity’s Comedy Club in Cleveland:
  Greg praises the legendary comedy venue and its owner, Nick Costas, highlighting the diverse, receptive Midwest audiences.

• Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Tourism:
  He relishes returning to the Hall, gripes about current exhibits (Bon Jovi and Mellencamp), and launches into musical nostalgia and playful criticisms.

  “You’re looking at this teenage kid…wow, this guy’s fucking great. And then he sings his first song and you’re like, oh yeah, Bon Jovi sucks. It’s awful.” — Greg (07:32)

3. Pandemic Tales & Personal Life (12:42–14:18)

• COVID Testing Regimen:
  Responding to a listener doubting he never got COVID, Greg shares how his doula wife enforced constant testing and quarantines.

  “I was tested more than anybody you’ve ever met. And I never had.” — Greg (13:27)

• Comedians and STDs:
  Stories swap to crabs and awkward international pharmaceuticals.

  “Try going to a pharmacy in Denmark…that was like the greatest game of charades you’ve ever seen in a pharmacy.” — Greg (14:18)

4. Comedy News Roundup: Absurd Headlines & Satirical Takes (18:56–36:53)

• AI Misuse and Grok’s “Digital Undressing” Scandal (19:24–20:22)

  • Musk’s AI faces backlash over users generating deepfake nudes of women.
  • The guys riff on fratty AI names, how to code in “hairy nipples,” and satirical suggestions for responsible AI design.

• Stolen Walrus Penis Bone (20:22–22:07)

  • A Camden cheesesteak shop loses a penis bone bar conversation piece.
  • “I think I’d rather eat a walrus dick than a cheesesteak from Camden, New Jersey.” — Greg (21:31)

• Teddy Bear at Norfolk Airport—Viral Social Media Search (22:39–24:37)

  • Airport asks public to reunite a lost teddy bear with its kid.
  • The guys spiral into dark humor about the “Silence of the Bears” and other less wholesome uses of social media.

• RFK Jr. Nutrition Guidelines Satire (25:19–28:25)

  • Poking fun at RFK Jr.’s “carnivore” food pyramid—with red meat and cheese at the top—along with his environmental legacy and vaccine skepticism.
  • “The entire pyramid is red meat, white meat, and pork.” — Greg (27:26)

• Ethical Hypotheticals—Incest (Self-Destructing Bit) (28:29–30:33)

  • The duo debate if consensual, non-procreative incest has an ethical argument, quickly digressing in their signature inappropriate yet winking style.
  • “Is it ethically wrong...for a brother and a sister to have sexual relations... assuming they don’t get pregnant?” — Greg (28:35)

5. "Make America Florida" & "Make America Louisiana Again" (31:08–35:19)

• Florida Man: Concealed Handgun in Breast Implants (Cross-dressing Construction Site Encounter) (31:12–32:43)

  • Bizarre story riffing on Florida’s reputation for wild headlines.
  • “He didn’t have it on, right?...You’re under arrest. Anything in my pants can and will be used against you.” — Greg (32:21)

• Louisiana Mermaid Incident (33:21–35:19)

  • Naked woman claims to be a mermaid, resists arrest in a pond; tasers ineffective.
  • Spirals into a debate on mermaid biology, sailor mythology, and anatomical logistics.
  • “You can’t fuck a mermaid. The legs don’t spread.” — Greg (35:34)

6. International Oddities (37:02–40:23)

• Pakistani Man Seeks to Open Country’s First Gay Club, Is Committed (37:02–38:45)

  • Played for classic black comedy — “That’s when you know you made a bad decision: when they go, you’re nuts.” — Greg (38:14)

• China Taxing Birth Control to Boost Birthrate (38:46–40:23)

  • The boys lampoon China’s attempt at economic engineering:
    “We want a baby boom—families who can’t afford the extra 40 cents on a condom!” — Mike (39:20)

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Recurring Segments

News Quiz — "This Day in History" (40:57–47:02)

• Mike quizzes Greg on historical events:
  • The Sopranos premiere year (Greg wrong)
  • Alexander Hamilton’s birth year (nailed it)
  • Bowie’s death year, Apple’s iTunes/iPod launch, All in the Family debut, Batman’s TV debut (Greg’s strikeout continues)
• Banter about Adam West’s career and Hollywood lore.

Letters to the Editor (47:02–49:05)

• Listener writes about the legendary John Updike essay covering Ted Williams’ last game.

  “It’s profound...When a writer, you’re like, I can’t believe how well he’s describing this thing.” — Mike (48:30)

Obituaries (49:06–51:47)

• Moving tribute to Renee Nicole Good, killed by an ICE agent, followed by Mike’s sharply satirical commentary on political spin around the event.

  “...her wheels were doing the exact opposite. She must have been the worst driver on the planet because she was driving away from the guards...” — Mike (50:26)

Caption Contest (51:55–54:59)

• Listeners submit punchlines for a cartoon of Wimpy (from Popeye) talking to a brothel worker.
  • Winner: “How much to cook me a hamburger, whore?” — Anthony Sexton (52:47)
• Mike: “Ignored all the ways Wimpy talks...made me laugh.” (54:03)

Comics and Onion Headline (54:59–58:25)

• Hagar the Horrible, The Lockhorns, Blondie: reviewed and ridiculed.
• The Onion: “JD Vance Claims Renee Good Had No Authority to Be Alive in the First Place.” (57:05)

Upcoming Shows & Golden Globes Plug (58:47–59:55)

• Greg plugs tour dates in Atlanta, Austin, Sacramento, Philly, Lexington, Houston, Fort Worth—fitzdog.com for tickets.
• Mike details Golden Globes’ structure, teases comedy bits and secret cameos.

  “Good amount of comedy in it...there are some really good movies this year.” — Mike (59:43)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Industry Satire:

“Sometimes I need a break from the news and just really focus on my masturbation…” — Greg (00:52)

On the Golden Globes writing room:

“You’ll see like Tim Dillon, Kevin Nealon, and Apatow, and they’ll all pitch a tag or a joke. And she takes those very seriously.” — Mike (02:52)

On Bon Jovi:

“And then he sings his first song and you’re like, oh yeah, Bon Jovi sucks. It’s awful.” — Greg (07:32)

AI and Digital Ethics:

“Grok just sounds like the frat guy you kind of go, should we let him in? He seems dangerous.” — Greg (19:37)

Classic Irreverence:

“You can’t fuck a mermaid. The legs don’t spread.” — Greg (35:34)

On China’s Condom Tax:

“We want a whole new generation of people who can’t afford the extra 40 cents on a condom.” — Mike (39:20)

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Essential Timestamps

• Golden Globes/life as a head writer: 00:29–10:48
• Greg’s tour/Cleveland/Rock Hall: 05:49–08:48
• COVID/Comedians & Crabs: 12:42–14:18
• Front Page News (AI, penis bone, teddy bear): 18:56–24:37
• RFK Jr. Pyramid/Incest ethics: 25:19–30:33
• Florida/Louisiana man madness: 31:08–35:19
• International news (Pakistan/China): 37:02–40:23
• This Day in History: 40:57–47:02
• Obituaries: 49:06–51:47
• Caption contest: 51:55–54:59
• Comics/The Onion: 54:59–58:25
• Plugs & wrap: 58:47–59:55

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Final Notes

Greg and Mike’s interplay is loose, fast, and loaded with inside-joke energy, blending satire and self-mockery. Loyal listeners will find plenty to laugh at and groan over, while newcomers get a vivid slice of stand-up life, Hollywood hustle, and irreverent headline riffing.

For tour dates: fitzdog.com
Golden Globes air date: Tonight (Jan 11, 2026)
Next week’s Caption Contest: Hiker meets Grim Reaper at the top of a mountain—send your best punchlines to fitzdogradiomail.com

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Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sunday papers. Running errands. Re ups in the water soluble Sunday papers. Folding laundry. Goddamn volumes in auto every Sunday morning.

Read all about it. Read all about it. A little news to distract you from the news today. It is the Sunday papers.

[Mike Drucker]

Yes. Let's do it. I apologize in advance. I'm a little subhuman working on the Globes and the news this week has made it a little challenging down the stretch. Like, how do you treat this as important when so much is going on? So that's one challenge.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a lot going on and it's a little hard. I take a little break. It's very hard doing Sunday papers because sometimes I need a break from the news and I need to just really focus on my masturbation and, you know, it's hard sometimes.

[Mike Drucker]

Luckily, we get most of the stories wrong, which helps us psychologically, I think. Yes, that's one part.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So tell me about the Golden Globes. So what are you doing? You running around with Nikki Glazer? Going to the clubs?

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah, we're out late last night and then back today. We're going back today. So today is. Is today Friday?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Today's Friday, January 9th.

[Mike Drucker]

So first rehearsals are today, so. And oh yeah, this comes out on Sunday. So, you know, I, you know, I, I don't like showing people what we're working on, including the bosses. And so let's just say I sent a script to the Globes last night that didn't have everything in it. And. And so. But yeah, she's doing four sets a night or something like that at clubs in la, trying to perfect it, but, you know, we just have to strike the right tone of like, you know, not dwelling on it, but also putting this in perspective that this is an escape, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many writers are running around to the clubs with her?

[Mike Drucker]

Last night we had a van, a sprinter van. I was in my car though, and last night was the most. I'd say last night was maybe six or seven of us running around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, fucking way. So you guys are showing up to the club and six, six writers are standing in the back of the room.

[Mike Drucker]

No, backstage. Well, the improv makes it easy because that upstairs room and then the store last night, we go in the entrance furthest west, you know, on Sunset, and we just pile in there and stand next to all the like, stacked chairs in that hallway.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Drucker]

And then no, but everywhere we go, like, you'll see like Tim Dillon and then they chime in and Kevin Nealon and Apatow and they'll all like pitch a tag or a joke. And she takes those very seriously.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean they just happen to be at the club and they're pitching stuff?

[Mike Drucker]

Well, they watch her set, so. And then we come off, they're like, oh, my God, you know what you should say about Sean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's awesome.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah. Or she'll go on Jimmy Kimmel, which she was this week, and then she'll literally whisper a joke to him, like, that wasn't fake, about a certain celebrity who she knows. He knows. And also he's done a lot of these, the Oscars and such. And like, do you think he'll be mad or take that personally?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And so.

[Mike Drucker]

So Jimmy gave us a green light. So one joke made it back in about Sean Penn. And so, yeah, it's. It's good. And you know, the other thing about, you know, the balancing act is, cuz, you know me, I could just very much be like, this means nothing compared to, you know, the big picture of things. But if you are coming to this, if you are gonna be watching the Globes tonight, Sunday night, you are either really into the Globes or you have decided to shut off the news. And this is an escape. So it really should be good, in other words, for those people who are coming there. You know what I mean? So that's how I treat it. Seriously. Sure. Don't watch it. I understand that also. But if you are coming to watch it, that's why our sleeves are rolled up and we're doing the best we can.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, good. Yeah. All right. Hopefully there's not too many political speeches.

[Mike Drucker]

I know we have to worry that, you know, that's a balancing act we can't control.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Mike Drucker]

So we're. We're.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who do you think is most likely to make a political statement?

[Mike Drucker]

Well, that's a twofold question, because then I have to predict who wins. DiCaprio won't. I don't think Chalamet will. Sean Penn, I think will.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah,

[Mike Drucker]

maybe. Who's gonna win? Foreign film. That might just be. I don't know is the answer if it's Korean. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to tell who because it's really hard to tell who's gonna win. They came around the room and they starred. We have a big board, right, with every, like, so five names on it for what? Best supporting actress. And they put asterisks next to favorites. And man, I couldn't have been more wrong. Like, I'm like, what? Like, they'll put by two names and they don't know anything. They're just, you know, sort of, you know, they're just putting their finger in the air and feeling which way the wind's blowing. And it's very. So I can't even guess who's gonna win.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, speaking of awards, I'm in Cleveland, Ohio, playing at Hilarity's Comedy Club, which I love. There's a guy named Nick Costas, who's this great Greek guy that owns the place. It's been going for 40 years. And it's just. Comedians love playing here. Nick treats you like a, like a superstar. The restaurant is like four star.

[Mike Drucker]

Who came up with the name? His grandfather.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's bad. He's corny. Nick is corny, but everybody loves him. And, and the crowds are amazing. Cleveland crowds because it's kind of mixed. It's not blue or red. It's kind of both. And you. So you can kind of do anything. And I'm. And you know, the, the other comics are great. It's just great. It's great being. But I, but anyway, today I'm gonna go to the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. And I was so excited. Every time I'm here, it's right down the block. Literally. It's a 10 minute walk to the hall of Fame.

[Mike Drucker]

Never been.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never been.

[Mike Drucker]

No. I have insert the name of your favorite band that's not there there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's amazing. But I'm looking at, you know, they always have like a temporary exhibit. And right now, two of them, Two of them. Jon Bon Jovi and John Mellencamp.

[Mike Drucker]

So maybe that should be the alley of fame next door.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, maybe that should be a little,

[Mike Drucker]

like a little gallery of fame.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that should be like the, the, the little club next door should have it separate. This is what America loves. America thinks. I watched that Jon Bon Jovi documentary

[Mike Drucker]

and like, oh, wow. I have a lot on my list ahead of that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The first half hour, you're looking at this teenage kid who's hanging around the Jersey shore at the clubs. He gets into a band early. He's super good looking, charismatic. Everybody loves him. He decides to do originals instead of being a cover band. Like by 17, he's already decided this. And you're like, wow, this guy's fucking great. And then he sings his first song and you're like, oh, yeah, Bon Jovi sucks. It's awful.

[Mike Drucker]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then John Mellencamp. No, I, I actually think he's got some of the great American songs of all time.

[Mike Drucker]

I have a soft spot for Mellencamp I remember some of his albums I liked. Beyond. What was it? What was the. I guess the album Pink Houses had some really good tracks on it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's another one, I think that was. The album was Pink Houses.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there were some good tracks, but

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

also at a certain point, he was very anti establishment. And originally his name was John Cougar.

[Mike Drucker]

No, John Mellencamp.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was John Mellencamp. And then he kind of like left his label and reinvented himself.

[Mike Drucker]

No, they forced him to be John Cougar. Yeah, and then he changed it back and kept Cougars the middle name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So anyway, I'll be down there. That'll be fun. And then a couple more shows tonight to tomorrow.

[Mike Drucker]

Is it freezing? Is there snow? What's happening? Beautiful part of the country.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Degrees.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Drucker]

And it's cold here for La La Cold.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. I think you got. I think it's gonna be warm this week anyway. What are we talking about? The logo this week is from. We got to keep this tight. Mike's got to. To head writing the Golden Globe. Is that your title? Head writer?

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah, but, you know, it's. I'm. I'm really. It's a committee. And she has. She has some really great comedians and writers attached at the hip that she. She goes on tour with. They'll warm up for. And those guys are really doing most of the work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who's that?

[Mike Drucker]

Sean o' Connor's amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Love him.

[Mike Drucker]

There's a guy, Brian, and you know, there's like a group that's. That's really in her world and works with her a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And like Dickie, of course.

[Mike Drucker]

Yep, Dickie's writing. He's doing great. No, but like, they, for instance, they had just come off the previous project. I'll use the word project loosely, but like. Which was Saturday Night Live. Like work. Same thing. Working the clubs, getting that monologue where she wants it. And I was no part of that. And. And so that's really her group, who's great. And then Chris, who's extraordinary, and that's her partner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And.

[Mike Drucker]

And he's an incredible producer on his own.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's great. I love Chris.

[Mike Drucker]

He won an Emmy for Conan o' Brien's Mark Twain Prize show. That. Which had nothing to do with Nikki. And he's just amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, well, good luck. Good luck Sunday night, Mike. We're all pulling for you. The Golden Globes are back. They were canceled. They. They were literally canceled. Like network wise canceled and culturally canceled.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now they're back. Are there More judges that are black or Latino or gay or switching sides or having fun.

[Mike Drucker]

We have no idea. I don't know. They're trying to, but boy, they're really overhauling the image. This guy, Jay Penske, owns it. He also owns the Hilton and he owns seemingly every entertainment magazine out there. Variety, all of them. But the Hilton is a giant. It looks like Boston's dig. It's a giant construction site, which is the biggest, biggest pain in the ass for traffic the next four years. That intersection, which is one of the craziest in any Santa Monica and Wilshire, where they cross is a disaster. But they are building two towers like a whole. It's unbelievable what's going to be going there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, so LA is not over.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, Trader Vicks is coming back. Remember that old legendary place which was at the bottom of the plaza? Holden Caulfield's place? That's going to be that in la used to be at the bottom of the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What, drink horns? Yvonne, have a Trader Vic's?

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, yeah. Not a. Yeah. Was it Pina Colada? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So logo Jane S. One of our favorites. She's probably the most prolific logo designer for us. A couple balloons. We thought that would lighten your spirits today.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, is that what we thought? Hey, by the way, little teaser for you. We shot a pre taped bit which is not really done on the globe, so we were psyched about it. We shot a pre taped funny bit with a friend of yours that's in it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah. But that. It's kind of a surprise. So we're so glad he said he would do it. And we shot that last night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

God, I'm trying to think who it might be.

[Mike Drucker]

Nope.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Song this week from Hiram Nielsen. Real simple. Definitely not AI this one comes from the heart. Loved it. A couple corrections from last week. These are from the YouTube comments somebody wrote. The Fitziest of all Fitz facts. There's zero percent you haven't gotten Covid. Well, here's my answer to that. My wife, who is a doula, a birth doula, who's around newly born infants, is totally paranoid. Has been since the pandemic of getting a baby sick. So every time I came home off the road, she tested me and quarantined me for two days. I did that for two years.

[Mike Drucker]

Vd, the whole panel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Vd, crabs. She had a little combination. And so there is no chance. I was tested more than anybody you've ever met. And I never had. I know it sounds crazy.

[Mike Drucker]

Never had it did in all the changing Subjects did in all the comedy condos and dives that you stayed in all that. Were there ever stories of comedians getting crabs, but not from a person.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I caught crabs in a sauna in Denmark when I was 18.

[Mike Drucker]

I once, when I was probably 19, I once caught crabs having slept with no one around that time. And I didn't even know what it was. And I went to a dermatologist. He's like, yeah, you got. I'm like, that's impossible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Try going to a pharmacy in Denmark and explaining to a middle aged Danish woman who doesn't speak English that you have crabs. It was like the greatest game of charades you've ever seen in a pharmacy.

[Mike Drucker]

That was like me on spring break when I got chickenpox. And I just was. I was in a clinic on Margarita island off Venezuela, our beloved Venezuela. And I was like, pax de pollo, pox de pollo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And she gave you fried chicken with bananas in it.

[Mike Drucker]

They eventually settled on Inferme de Ninos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I remember them saying, okay, tour dates coming up. Shows have been selling out. People are going crazy for the new material. Atlanta, the punchline, January 15 to 17. Austin at the mothership, January 30 through February 1. Sacramento, punchline in February. Philly in February. Lexington in February. Houston in February. Then we got Fort Worth, a bunch of dates. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, join in the fun. Also, join in insuring your life in the best possible way. I got life insurance when my kids were born, so did I. I got term life. It lasted. It lasted 23 years and it just, it's just up. So I missed my opportunity to cash in on it. So let's just say an insurance company came out ahead on this one.

[Mike Drucker]

I could still cash in. I'm still the winning hand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, good to you. I'm pulling for you.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I got it because, I mean, my wife was not working for 18 years while I was, because I was traveling so much and I knew we had a big mortgage on the house. And I said, if, if, if I go. And my father died at 53. His parents died in their 40s, so I was not a good bet. I'm surprised they took me. But when you use fabric by Gerber Life, you will find that you, you're gonna get, you're gonna get approved.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah. I mean, when you fill out the form, it's like, how many, how many have you ever considered taking your own life? And you have to think about that for about five. That's not a good sign.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Start your year knowing that you did something right for your family. It's quick and easy.

[Mike Drucker]

I felt great. I felt great about it. It's one of those things. It's not expensive when you get it and you just. It's. You set it and forget it and it's. It's always there. That's what I did. And it definitely. Even though I'm on year 28 or so of 30.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

30.

[Mike Drucker]

My term was 30 years. Damn, I feel good about it. It was definitely a comfort. I knew everything was taken care of. God forbid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is so much cheaper than you would think. Fabric by Gerber Life is term life insurance you can get done today. Made for busy parents like you all online on your schedule, right from your couch. And you could be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required. If you have kids, it's time, people. You may not get it through your employer. You get very little through your employer. It's not gonna be enough. So no way. Yeah. So there's no risk. There's a 30 day money back guarantee. Cancel at any time. 19005 star reviews on Trustpilot. So do it now. Join the thousands of families of parents who trust fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just [e-mail] papers. That's meetfabric.com papers. M E-E-T fabric.com papers. Make sure you use the promo code because there's not a discount, but it will let them know that you heard about us through the podcast, which helps us keep the advertisers and keep the lights on. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. Mike, do you have something to crinkle?

[Mike Drucker]

Here we go. It is a knee sleeve. That's front page. Greg, you've done all the work this week. I thank you so much. I'm a little subhuman. All right, let's do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, this is like. This podcast is a lot like that footprints poem, you know, where the man at the end of his life looks at the sand where he's walked, and he said, God, why is it there were two sets of footprints throughout my life, but when I hit my hardest time, there was only one set of footprints. Why did you abandon me? And God said, you fucking idiot, I was carrying you on my back.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, they were God's footprints.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep, I see Elon Musk company X AI is facing criticism for failing to control misuse of its AI chat bot. Grok.

[Mike Drucker]

Grok yes, Sexual. All right, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, Grok just sounds like the frat guy that you kind of go, should we let him in? He seems dangerous.

[Mike Drucker]

Sounds like a dimwitted giant.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tight end users have flooded the chatbot with sexualized images of real women after prompting it to digitally undress them and place them in suggestive poses. The recent surge in non consensual digital undressing began in December. Grock.

[Mike Drucker]

This is what they should do. They should program Grok. When you tell her to take her shirt off, she just has really hairy nipples.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Mike Drucker]

Whoa. Yeah, just make that impossible to get around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, just input in the software. Itty Bitty Titty committee.

[Mike Drucker]

Is that what's going in there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it's. So it's a. Basically. So it's a bunch of guys jerking off. Do they. Do they digitally pull their own pants down? Okay, next story. A thief snatched a beloved antique walrus penis bone. I guess they have a bone in their penis. That's. That could come in handy.

[Mike Drucker]

You don't?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do, but I keep misplacing it. From behind the bar, a famed Camden, New Jersey, cheesesteak joint, Donkey's Place. She went to the back to do something else, and then one dude stole it. Owner Rob Lucas told NewJersey.com we got his picture, but I don't think he's from around town. A group of three men. What was he, white? A group of three men who had been drinking for hours asked to see the walrus penis bone, and then one of them bolted with it. The wiener has served as a conversation piece, which Anthony Bourdain once praised the restaurant as the area's best cheesesteak spot. I think. I think I'd rather eat a walrus dick than a cheesesteak from Camden, New Jersey.

[Mike Drucker]

I don't know. That might be my favorite cheesesteak place. Because I'm imagining Philly people wouldn't be caught dead in there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's true.

[Mike Drucker]

Right? They're not going to a Jersey cheesesteak place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. No.

[Mike Drucker]

And it's called Come for the Donkey Penis. Come for the Donkey walrus Bone. Sorry. It's Donkey's Place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Donkey's Place.

[Mike Drucker]

Very confusing. No, donkey bone. Penis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what they should. I mean, stay on brand Donkey's Place. Get a donkey. Just go down to Mexico.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know about those donkey shows down in Mexico, right?

[Mike Drucker]

I mean, I've heard about them, of course. What was in Godfather in Cuba?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is this the unedited version? Is this the director's cut you're talking about? Because I don't remember that.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah, no, there was a show. No, it's famous. They went to the shows. A sex show in Cuba.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but there was no donkeys.

[Mike Drucker]

It was a sex show. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Drucker]

They should have. They should. Come on Cuba.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that an urban myth or do they really have women having sex with donkeys in Mexico?

[Mike Drucker]

I don't know how many. I don't know how this many people could be talking about it. I think that had to have happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Okay. A Virginia airport is seeking the public's help in reuniting a missing teddy bear with its owner. Officials at Norfolk airport shared a photo of the gingham clad plushie with matching bunny slippers on Facebook with the caption, can you help me find my owner? I was turned into ORF. Lost and found around 4:04pm Nearly 2,000 people shared the post, hoping to spread the word. Quote, let's get that stuffy home. One said. Close to a hundred concerned commenters offered suggestions on how to locate the doll's owner, including those who said the toy resembled one sold at Build a Bear Workshop. Somebody said, if it is a Build a Bear, you can contact Build a Bear and they have barcodes inside they can scan to help return it to its owner. Best use of social media ever. Once said, this is why I love social media. Someone else agreed. Yeah, Newsflash, newsflash. Instead of Silence of the Lambs, this is Silence of the Bears. That thing is in a psycho's basement covered in lotion with the ass stuffing caked in dry spooch. Really want it back.

[Mike Drucker]

Meanwhile, there's like some poor woman whose medication was lost and she is like barely breathing and near the big luggage pickup. Yeah, yeah, that's ridiculous. I mean, during and what is December 30th? Yeah, I think they had bigger fish to fry on December 30 in the airports than putting any attention towards this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Best use of social media ever. Okay.

[Mike Drucker]

I don't know. Organizing the storming of the Capitol was pretty great use of it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was pretty good. There was, you know, fat shaming girls from the Midwest. There was accusing lacrosse players of rape that they didn't commit.

[Mike Drucker]

By the way I looked it up, it was. No, the, the, the. The star of the Godfather sex show was the guy, Superman. The real Superman of Havana, who was a very well endowed individual. So it was a freak show of sorts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wonder if that was based on a real thing. I bet.

[Mike Drucker]

No, it was. No, 100% was. I just read about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, nice yeah. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Has announced a new dietary guidelines for Americans. Folks, folk focused on promoting whole foods, proteins and health fats.

[Mike Drucker]

Don't tell me he ate the bear that was lost in the airport.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. And then he left it in Central Park.

[Mike Drucker]

That's the new pyramid. That's the top of the pyramid now. The new pyramid.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The new pyramid has red meat, cheese, vegetables and fruit at the top. He just, he said the guidelines calling for an end to highly refined foods that are harmful to health. We are ending the war on saturated fat fats, a reduction in the consumption of highly processed foods with carbs, added sugars, excess sodium, unhealthy fats. He said we are reclaiming the food pyramid and returning it to its true purpose. Well, I scratch the record. RFK Jr. Has said something that actually makes sense. This should be our leading story. His father, rfk, has temporarily stopped rolling in his grave. All his living relatives stopped typing this week's op ed piece about him. Oh, wait, wait, wait. This just in. RFK Jr guts the US childhood vaccine schedule despite its decades long safety record. All right. And the typewriters are typing. The rotisserie of RFK's ass is rotating again.

[Mike Drucker]

That's the new medical pyramid. He's changed that also, by the way. The pyramid. As if any American. It's kind of like the operating instructions for your car that sit in the glove box. Like, no one is reading this pyramid. Who looks at this pyramid as you're opening another bag of chips?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, as somebody who used to read the tag on the side of his mattress and not removing it, because I would have been arrested. I was all about the food pyramid.

[Mike Drucker]

So red meat. I mean, it's a podcaster's pyramid. It sounds like to me, Carnivore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's all about the carnivore. The entire pyramid is red meat, white meat and pork.

[Mike Drucker]

It leads with red meat and cheese, then vegetables and fruits.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think this is a diet for guys that spend three and a half hours a day at Gold's Gym, which he does.

[Mike Drucker]

No fish, huh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, no fish.

[Mike Drucker]

I mean, it's somewhere, but not in the top, I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, this is the guy that cleaned out the Hudson river because of all the PCBs or whatever they were.

[Mike Drucker]

No, he. I was talking about someone talking about him with some. Someone. Oh, Alec Baldwin was talking. Is that. Baldwin is actually very, very, very involved in. In charities and environmental ones too. And I remember my family was involved with the Riverkeeper in New York. He was a hero For a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Mike Drucker]

With all the river, many of the river systems in the United States and fighting, pushing back against the giant oil companies especially that were polluting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep, yep.

[Mike Drucker]

Okay, I liked him then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ethical question. Give me a crinkle, here it comes.

[Mike Drucker]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Is it ethically wrong? All right, assuming that it is consensual. Assuming that nobody ever finds out for a brother and a sister to have sexual relations.

[Mike Drucker]

I'm not even trying to think of a joke. Ethically?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I mean, they're not going to procreate. They're not going to have a child.

[Mike Drucker]

Right. I mean, nature has told us it's wrong. I kind of trust that more than anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't think there's any animals that have sex with their siblings?

[Mike Drucker]

No. I thought we were talking about humans.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you said nature. I mean, nature, I think.

[Mike Drucker]

No, nature has told us it, like it doesn't work. So almost technically it's wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, then you could also say that homosexuality is unethical.

[Mike Drucker]

No, no, no. I'm saying that it, it shows you evidence that, that it does not work to procreate. Oh, but no. Gays are filthy and wrong. Is that what you're. I mean, what question are we answering?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sex. Wait, so, but, all right, but they're attracted to each other and they fulfill each other. They bring joy to each other. Nobody finds out and they don't get pregnant.

[Mike Drucker]

It's weird you compared it to homosexuals. But I like, for instance, two brothers would not get the feedback from nature that it's wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they're not getting pregnant, which is. Yeah, nature. Nature would say that sex is only for procreation.

[Mike Drucker]

Right? And what that's called in nature is the new season of White Lotus. That's when two brothers get it on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, I.

[Mike Drucker]

He's there. We're doing a joke about him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There are so Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger, Negro.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh boy. The sun. The sun's gonna be there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The one from White Lotus?

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah, the one who was, I think serviced. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was drunk. When he was about 18. He was drunk and he was hitting on my 14 year old daughter at a party. Oh, all right, maybe. Maybe she looked like his brother. Make America, Florida.

[Mike Drucker]

Here we go. Let's wrap. Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A central Florida. Why don't you read it?

[Mike Drucker]

Since a central Florida man is facing multiple charges after deputies say they found him on a construction site when wearing lingerie and discovered a firearm concealed inside a silicone breast implant, 39 year old Matthew Zacharino of Altamonte Altamont Springs, I guess, was spotted standing beside a vehicle at a construction area near Ernie Caldwell Boulevard. Deputies say that he began putting on a red lace bra and G string as they approached. When deputies ordered him to stop, he removed the items instead, revealing a handgun and hidden beneath one of the silicone breast implants, the inserts he had been. He claimed he was on his way to a costume party, but refused to provide the location.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The cop was like, and this is just for our records, but where's the party exactly? Is there a cover charge? And can I get a plus one?

[Mike Drucker]

Officer, I'm telling you, right, it looks like the party's in your pants because you're liking. You're liking what you're seeing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like that he put it on as they came at him. He didn't have it on, right?

[Mike Drucker]

No, I know. That's very unusual.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You're under arrest. Anything in my pants can and will be used against you. I'm sorry. I meant anything. I can't focus, Cap. I can't focus.

[Mike Drucker]

The cops are coming. Like, that's when you steal something. Like, that's when you. Here they are. All right. Can they see me now? I'm going to do something very suspicious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe this is like Clinger and mash. Who figures he can get out of it if he dresses in drag? Yeah.

[Mike Drucker]

With the Clinger storyline, even work today?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a good question. I mean, for people that are too young to have watched mash, there was

[Mike Drucker]

a not on Hegsets watch, I'll tell you that. Not on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. He would have been back.

[Mike Drucker]

It's back. Clinger. Clinger would be ejected. It would work better today, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Make America Louisiana again.

[Mike Drucker]

All right. What? Crinkle. Okay, here we go. Hold on. A Louisiana law enforcement official was attacked on Tuesday by a naked woman who informed investigators she had aspirations of becoming a mermaid. A Union Parish sheriff's office said that the woman, 41, generated a call to 911 for allegedly trespassing on that property and that she had substant. Oh, the property is a substantial pond, but it belongs to the neighbor. The caller told dispatchers that the woman had been swimming nude in their pond and refused to leave the water. The officer started screaming when she was. Oh, she started screaming when she was asked to leave the water. They tried reasoning with her, but she refused to get out as she was, quote, trying to be a mermaid. The officers eventually coaxed the sea nymph. That's flattering. Wannabe. Out of a pond and tried moving her into an unspecified Home. She suddenly started to charge. Oh, mermaids can charge on land. Started to charge one of the deputies. She was tased, but cops said the electrical jolt had zero effect. And she continued toward the officer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It had zero effect, but the officers commented that it suddenly smelt like shrimp fajitas in the yard.

[Mike Drucker]

A little. A little fish smell on the barbecue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How did she charge with. With the two legs strapped together and a fin at the bottom. Yeah, you need to tase somebody who's coming at you that slow.

[Mike Drucker]

And she's wet. Shouldn't this been the tase of all tases?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Mike Drucker]

So we have to rethink if, like, mermaids ever do appear. We can't tase them. It's useless.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It is amazing that mermaids have for so long been, like. You know, you go back to, like, Homer and, you know, the mermaids and. Yeah, and the sirens. You can't fuck a mermaid. The legs don't spread.

[Mike Drucker]

You don't think. I mean, you know, from behind.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Yeah.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, come on, Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Plus, the blowjob would be amazing because she could keep her lips sealed and just breathe through the gills.

[Mike Drucker]

You know, that's true. You know, sailors are all men because no one. There were no male mermaids. Imagined. Yeah, you know, like you're. Oh, my God. Man overboard. Man overboard. Oh, we lost him. Well, he's out at sea floating there, and his last hope is that beautiful mermaids will come and save him, not some dudes with fins.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think the. What a way to go floating among them. I mean, Daryl Hannah. What was sexier than Daryl Hannah and Splash?

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah, it was a little weird when she started losing. She got sick and started losing her scales and stuff. I was like, oh, that must smell terrible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who was the male lead was Tom Hanks, the male lead in that?

[Mike Drucker]

Of course. And then beloved John Candy was his brother. Oh, yeah. He was amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I wonder if that one holds up.

[Mike Drucker]

I don't know, but the John Candy documentary, which covers a little bit of that movie, is great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, we'll watch it.

[Mike Drucker]

All right, what do we got here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

International.

[Mike Drucker]

Here we go. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A Pakistani man who sought to launch what would have been the country's first gay club, has been placed in a mental health facility. The man had earlier submitted a formal request to open a gay club in Abbottabad, a deeply conservative city best known as the place where Bin Laden was killed. In his application, the man said the proposed venue, provisionally titled Lorenzo Gay Club, would be a great convenience and resource for many homosexual, bisexual, and even Some heterosexual people residing in Abbottabad.

[Mike Drucker]

About a bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If I lived in a city where all the women were dressed as fucking buffet tables, I might be in the mood for some anonymous blow jobs from pretty much anyone. And these guys are already wearing a dress and sandals.

[Mike Drucker]

He'd have better luck of the male mermaid Open a male mermaid bar. I think they're viewed as just as likely under God's eyes as a homosex.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but I love that they put him in a mental health. That's when you know you made a bad decision. When they go, you're nuts.

[Mike Drucker]

We're putting you away with all the other gay men.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that was. He was playing the long ball.

[Mike Drucker]

That's his club. That's his club. He did it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, smart. Why don't they just rename the prison Lorenzo? Lorenzo's Gay Club?

[Mike Drucker]

Exactly. The manhole. Get in the manhole.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get to. In China, after a 30 year exemption, the country is slapping a 13% sales tax on condoms, birth control pills and devices, hoping to boost its declining birth rates and offset the long term impact of an aging population and declining workforce. And with contraception more expensive under the new law, officials are hoping other financial incentives help usher in a baby boom. Here's another suggestion. Cut factory hours for females from 75 hours a week down to 60. Give them a chance.

[Mike Drucker]

Also, is this the best plan? It's like, okay, we want a whole, we want to create a baby boom. A whole new generation of people who can't afford the extra 40 cents on a condom. This, these are the families we want to create.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The high achievers. Plus, isn't it incentive?

[Mike Drucker]

4 cents.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Isn't it incentive enough to have a kid with the wages, the unemployment rate for Chinese kids under 12 is like 6%. I mean this kid's coming out, he's going right to the factory floor.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah, exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You want economic incentive, There you go.

[Mike Drucker]

They need workers. Well, that's what they say. I wonder if it's still there. That they I guess can crunch the numbers and at this rate they can identify, I think the extinction event of just underpopulation. That that's the big threat. Unless we, unless we beat that natural occurrence with our fighting and ruining the earth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They want to knock up these Chinese women, send them to the us. We love Asian women. We'll get them pregnant for you.

[Mike Drucker]

They all come to your show. Greg, you can guess which, what is it called? God, I spaced out. Which?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Guess.

[Mike Drucker]

The Asian part of China. No, no, you're, you, you're. You would have to get very specified now. And guess the province. That's what I'm looking for. Guess which province.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Flip flops only, ladies. Half price. Let's go down to this day in history.

[Mike Drucker]

All right, I looked at this late last night. Late last night. Here we go. There were some fun ones. I think we got. We got. Oh. First episode of the Sopranos aired on HBO on this date. In what year? Give or take two years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Jesus, Come on.

[Mike Drucker]

The Sopranos, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Mike Drucker]

Right in the sweet spot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm trying to think about the age of the actors now. Gandolfini's dead. I feel like the boy who was only about 7 when the show started looks like he's about 32.

[Mike Drucker]

All right, don't guess. Like, come up with the number in your head and. And don't tell me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I got it. I got the number.

[Mike Drucker]

All right, I want you to think about it in a different way. Try to remember where you were when you saw the last one, where you were in your life, what year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't remember.

[Mike Drucker]

And then work backwards.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm going to guess it's either before or after 9, 11. 2001. And I'm going to say it was after it. 2002, I'm guessing.

[Mike Drucker]

I love it. 1999. Shit. Right. Okay, let's see another fun one here. Sir Edmund Hillary. You don't really care about that. Alexander Hamilton. Would you have a guess when Alexander Hamilton was born in the British West Indies, give or take 20 years?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I would guess that he was around for the writing of the Constitution. So that was in the 1780s. So he would have been born in 1740.

[Mike Drucker]

You did it. 1755. This is interesting. Slash 57. I'm guessing the West End. Meanwhile, he was an accountant, but I'm guessing the West Indies don't have dependable records. Maybe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think so. No, it's very. It's. It's. It's island. Island mentality, you know, Yaman Alexander, he'd born probably about Tuesday.

[Mike Drucker]

It was so good. Recent history. What year did we lose beloved David Bowie? In what year did we lose David Bowie? Give or take two? I'm going to give you two years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

2019.

[Mike Drucker]

I knew you would say more recent. So would I. It's 2016.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Mike Drucker]

Can you believe that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. It feels like just yesterday.

[Mike Drucker]

It's going to be a decade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike Drucker]

That's wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'm one for three.

[Mike Drucker]

You're doing terribly. Apple introduced itunes, a digital media player application that with the years. The later debut of the ipod revolutionized digital music. What year? You can, by the way, if you prefer to do the ipod, that's fine, because I'm going to give you a window anyway. Give or take two years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

When did. 1996.

[Mike Drucker]

You got neither. Correct. It's 2001 and the iPod was 2002. Fuck, man. The Joan of Arc is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I forgot to get my year range. But you probably would only give me three years.

[Mike Drucker]

All in the Family debuted on CBS this year. Give or take. I gotta. I gotta give you a win here. Give or take four years. When?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1975. Thank God.

[Mike Drucker]

1971.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Mike Drucker]

Batman premiered. Remember Batman? On ABC with Adam west as the caped crusader and Burt Ward is Robin. It premiered this year on. I love that show, man. They, like, hired the most incredible, like, artists. It was almost like. It was almost like how peewee's Playhouse just blew me away with how creative it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Drucker]

Give or take four years. When did Batman premiere on abc?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, the guy who played Batman. What was his name?

[Mike Drucker]

Whatchamacall? I just said Adam West.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Adam west apparently was a famous Coxman swinger. Oh, cocktail guy in Hollywood.

[Mike Drucker]

I worked with him a bunch, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Mike Drucker]

I worked with him a bunch. He was really funny. We would have him on. He'd be recurring as Craig Kilborn's father.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's perfect.

[Mike Drucker]

On the Late, Late Show. Yeah. And he would be like, I'm not gonna remember. But we would work with him, and he's like. So he's like, explain to me. And he get very. You know what he was. He had a little bit of a Goldblum energy like you have. He'd have this playful intensity. And what about this part? What about some other, like, fun. What about a fun. More fun word right there? Like, more fun. And I'm like. I'd be like. What do you mean, like? Like, you're, like, choking on rhubarb. He's like, rhubarb. That's it. That's it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Mike Drucker]

He was incredible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, if he was swinging, it must have been the 60s. I'm going to guess n. I'll just. How many years am I getting?

[Mike Drucker]

I forgot four.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna say 1961. It started.

[Mike Drucker]

I love it. 66 you. This might be the worst.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I got it. You gave me.

[Mike Drucker]

Nope.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Mike Drucker]

You said 61.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, my God. You can't even get within a year. How far off were you from getting it right? All right, let's move on to what Letters to the editor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Letters to the editor.

[Mike Drucker]

All right, there we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Manolo Matos. Nice name, dude. Not only Mamdani sworn on the Quran, it was Arturo Alfonso Schoenberg's Koran. A black Puerto Rican triple slap. I wonder. The MAGA crowd hates him. Wow.

[Mike Drucker]

Wow. I didn't know that. All right, all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mom, Donnie transitioned. Trino said, hey, Greg, remember? And I remember an episode of Sunday Papers from a few years ago in which you read, I think you read Mike, an article about a legendary baseball player playing his last game before retirement. The article was so incredibly written that it's stuck with me since. And I can't find the article. What is it?

[Mike Drucker]

It really is that. That's what happened to me. I was working at hbo, super bored. One lunch I had an hour and I went in the New York Public Library and they had an exhibit there of writers on baseball. And it is John Updike's account. He was a. He was young and he was at Ted Williams last game. And I'm. I should know off the top of my head the name of the article, but all you have to do is Google John Updike and it's Ted Williams last at bat. It's his last game and it's. It's profound.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice. Okay.

[Mike Drucker]

The way you know, it's one of those things and I won't say much, but it's like when you read it, it's a little like, I know you read Darkness Visible by Styron. It's when a writer, you're like, I can't believe how well he's describing this thing that I thought, I've always thought, but I would for me be impossible to describe. Yeah, he talks about the willing in a game almost like that you've willed this great play to happen. Anyway, just go find it and read it. It's incredible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get to the obituaries.

[Mike Drucker]

Here we go. You got one. Oh, you're doing this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The woman shot and killed by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent in Minneapolis was a loving mother, a poet and a partner whose family, alongside her neighbors across her stunned city and strangers far beyond, is shocked by the circumstances surrounding her death. Renee Nicole Good, a 37 year old US citizen was killed when an ICE agent shot into her vehicle during an encounter Wednesday morning. Loved ones and leaders paused to remember the newcomer to Minnesota as, quote, an amazing human being. Renee was one of the kindest people I've ever known. She was extremely compassionate. Her mother, Donna Ganger, told the Minnesota Star, she's taken care of people all her life. She was loving, forgiving and affectionate. A mother of three Good had two children, ages 15 and 12 from her first marriage. Her 6 year old child's father died in 2023. There's nobody else in in his life, the child's grandfather told the newspaper. After spending most of her life in Colorado, she moved briefly to Kansas to live with her parents for a time with her husband, a military veteran who, who died. She had a good life, but a hard life, he said. She was a wonderful person.

[Mike Drucker]

Well, I want to add to this that according to Republicans, she was a terrible driver because she was trying to run over all of them. But when you look at it, her wheels were doing the exact opposite. And so she must have been the worst driver on the planet because she was driving away from the guards, the ones the Republicans claim she was trying to run down with her deadly weapon, which was her car. So I guess we can add that to this poor woman's legacy of being the worst driver who has no idea how to efficiently and effectively run over a soldier, a person.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We have to, you know, show concern to the ICE officer who shot her because apparently, according to Republicans, he is in critical danger, which is odd because the video footage shows him walking straight up, not limping, head up, healthy.

[Mike Drucker]

I can't believe we didn't read an obituary for him because, I mean, Trump can't believe he's alive. He not only he walked up and down the street after, after the incident as people were yelling at him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's cheer up.

[Mike Drucker]

All right, let's cheer up. But God bless that woman. Here we go. Funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

As you know, every week, except the ones I forget, we do the comedy Captions contest. And in it we give you one frame of a cartoon. You guys write the punchline. The winner potentially gets a koozie from Sunday papers mailed right to you. We ask that you write your joke and put your name directly underneath it in the email. Send them to fitzdogradiomail.com Last week the caption was Wimpy from He's from Popeye, right? Popeye from the Popeye cartoon. And he's standing there talking to a woman who very much looks like a prostitute who's leaning against a wall. It says Madam's Brothel in the background and Wimpy is talking to her. Anthony Sexton says, how much to cook me a hamburger whore?

[Mike Drucker]

Okay, out of the gate. I think that one's going to be hard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know that we're getting better than that.

[Mike Drucker]

I Don't. It'll be tough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jeff Adams says, I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some roast beef today.

[Mike Drucker]

Jeff played by the rules. And that's. That's a well executed short one. I like it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kelly Holmes said, like I promised yesterday, here's the money for two tug jobs today.

[Mike Drucker]

Okay. Yeah, she played by the rules, too. No, I think Jeff's might be better than Kelly's there. Sorry, Kelly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sean says, well, madam, I'll have you know, courtesans in Detroit to anal for $5.

[Mike Drucker]

Okay. Went off the rails at the end, but I like it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ron said, I'm not here to con you again. My debts finally caught up with me, and I need a job. All right, so he's gonna become a prostitute.

[Mike Drucker]

Yeah. So who's saying that? I guess. I guess Wimpy's saying that to her. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think he's. Yeah. All right, let's take a look at them. And, Mike, you are in the midst of. Of judging jokes from Comedians for a Living Network award show. Who do you like?

[Mike Drucker]

I got to give it to Anthony Sexton. I mean, I think. I think he just. Yeah. Just ignored all the. The. The ways that Wimpy talks and. And it made me laugh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He went straight to it. There was no twists. It was just Norm MacDonald type joke.

[Mike Drucker]

A little bit. Little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, next week, we have a gentleman who's a hiker who has climbed up a mountain, and he gets to the crest. In. In the scenario, you normally see, like, a wise man sitting at the mouth of a cave. And instead of the wise man, there is the. The Grim Reaper in his cloak with his sith. And the hiker is upset, and he's talking to the Grim Reaper.

[Mike Drucker]

There you have it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There you have it. Let's get to the pros. Hagger the Horrible is talking to a gypsy fortune teller. She has her crystal ball out. She goes, oh, my. I see. Today is the last day you'll be here. Hagar goes, does the crystal ball say I'll fall in battle? And she goes, no. It tells me you hate the smell of my cabbage cooking. He goes, the ball doesn't lie. Let me tell you something. In medieval times, a woman unshowered for weeks at a time in a small tent. I think the cabbage would be the least of your problems. The smells in that,

[Mike Drucker]

they do. This scenario. That scenario looks familiar, I think, is he. That's. I guess there's a series of those getting his fortune told.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, that's one of their set pieces. Yeah, that's Hagar is either at home on his lounge chair in battle or at the fortune tellers. Okay, the Lockhorns are here. Leroy is sitting talking to a loan officer. He goes, I need a home improvement loan. My mother in law says she'll leave for $5,000.

[Mike Drucker]

I like that one a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good. And now we have, let's see.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, I got the Onion before Blondie, but I. One more Lockhorns.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Leroy and Loretta are sitting at a diner in a booth. He is hunched over with a pencil in his hand on a piece of paper, much like you'd see a child with a crayon. And she goes, of course it's tiny Leroy. That's not a maze. It's a QR code.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, look at that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's pretty clever.

[Mike Drucker]

It is clever boy. Lockhorn's brought it today. All right, here's the Onion. And this was hot off the press Friday morning out here in Los Angeles. New headline. We have a picture of the Vice president, United States, J.D. vance. And the headline is, J.D. vance claims Renee Good had no authority to be alive in the first place. Oh, that is what JD Is saying, declaring about the woman. Do you know a church newspaper has basically said he's gone astray from their faith, the way he has blamed the victim in this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, yeah, yeah. And they're saying, christy, no, maybe not

[Mike Drucker]

in his faith, but in their faith, he's gone astray from it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right, well, it's time. They're in bed. And predictably, Dagwood is not taken in by the feminine wiles of all you see is the back of her head, just the yellow curls of her thick mane, which if I was in bed with her, I'd be looking at that too, but it would be bouncing up and down in my crotch instead with donut pajamas on. Dagwood has a laptop open. And he goes, I still have one more Christmas gift to return. I guess I could do it an online return, but then I'll have to pack it all up myself and take it to the post office and stand in line. And he goes, honey, would you? And she goes, I bought it, honey. You can return it.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, man, she doesn't even turn on. She doesn't even roll over and give him the benefit of eye contact.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. I don't know what gift she could give him that's not already her. She is the gift.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, that's sweet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what else is?

[Mike Drucker]

Hopefully it was a noose. I wish you in return.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, it says Epstein on it. Don't forget, folks, Atlanta next week and then Austin at the Mothership. If you want tickets, fitzdog.com Mike, anything you want to promote?

[Mike Drucker]

Sure. Everybody, the Golden Globes airs tonight. And let's see, act one, top of one is her monologue. Then top of two will just be a funny comment. There's like 14 acts. I'm not going to go through all of them. I think top of three is or four is where Greg's friend might appear in a little something we're doing. And then they're. I don't want to say what the another thing is. And then, yeah, then, then last year some people recall she did a halftime report. We're gonna do one of those again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love it.

[Mike Drucker]

All right, well, so there's good, there's a good amount of comedy in it and there are good movies, but they're not, you know, big wide release movies. But there are some really good movies this year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, well, good luck to you and folks, thanks for listening. Mike and I shot for keeping it under an hour. I believe it is under an hour by several seconds right now, so.

[Mike Drucker]

Oh, look at that. Here we go. Take a dish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Take a.

[Mike Drucker]

All right. Bye bye.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sunday papers, running errands. Re up to the water soluble Sunday papers, folding laundry. Goddamn volumes in auto roll every Sunday morning the past couple years. Read all about it. Bringing in the I'm left in the logo from a closet. That's mine. Correctly across from the middle of the grid over there on the same side. Greg's the enlightened spitfire. Our hands deep in his pockets in the presence of monarchy guy. So easy to waltz through life when you're hung like a two bit Tijuana donkey ride. Mike's over now. Nonsense. The Dismas Bernie Talpins, JB pro's type. Put my who likes cock? Who Mike's cock. Who knows. Probably soaking in the stack of koozies all out and a good for nothing lazy sack of shit. Never said.

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