Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 297 1/18/26

Summary

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Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Episode 297 (1/18/26)

Overview

In this lighthearted and incisive episode, Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons deliver a humorous take on the week’s news, pop culture, and their own misadventures. Broadcasting remotely, with Mike on tour in Atlanta, the duo banter about everything from legendary SNL performances and football rivalries to behind-the-scenes tales from the Golden Globes and absurd news stories involving crows, cops, and corvettes. True to form, the episode is packed with inside industry anecdotes, ethical quandaries, running gags about regional America, and a celebration of the late Bob Weir.

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Main Talking Points & Highlights

1. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Sinead O’Connor, Taylor Swift, and Emotional Music Moments

• Mike’s Cleveland Trip (00:22–05:26)
  • Mike shares his visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, focusing on the SNL music exhibit. He describes an intense Sinead O’Connor performance that leaves a strong impression on both himself and a young visitor in a Taylor Swift shirt.

    “All it is is her on an acoustic guitar singing to the camera about this breakup that’s about to happen…” — Mike (01:44)

  • Emotional power of music and generational connection highlighted.
  • Discussion of Sinead’s lyrics and dignity in breakups vs. Bob Dylan’s “Idiot Wind.”

    “The best thing is, like, ‘Idiot Wind’ is like, ‘you, you, you, you’... and then it’s like, ‘we’re idiots, babe’ by the end.” — Greg (04:08)

2. Sports, Midwest Love, and LA/Jets Football

• Greg roots for the Chicago Bears over the LA Rams, fueled by dislike for Los Angeles fans and NFL ownership politics (05:26–07:54).
• Nostalgia for 1970s/80s football and iconic figures like Joe Namath, with humorous anecdotes about family, fur coats, fandom, and childhood allegiances.

3. Freebies, Firemen, and Identity

• Greg’s story about accidentally scoring a “fireman discount” at a cafe when his daughter wears a LA county fireman T-shirt (08:26–10:07).

  “If you ever needed feedback on how much of a lesbian you look like, that was just it.” — Greg (09:32)

4. Football Picks & Legal Betting on Award Shows

• Rapid-fire NFL playoff picks, with playful contradictions (10:18–11:22).
• Behind-the-scenes of betting on Golden Globes outcomes—with inside info, but not “insider trading” (11:36–14:25).
  • Mike recounts how he and a friend won big betting on “Hamnet” at the Globes.

    “That was not inside information at all, because that’s locked up. Yeah. So that happened, right?” — Greg (14:25)

• The ethics and legality of entertainment event betting discussed, including timing the National Anthem by knowing rehearsal details.

5. Writing for Nikki Glazer & Golden Globes Insider Stories

• Golden Globes Writing Room Stories (15:17–24:57)
  • Mike, as head writer, describes the challenges and creative process behind monologue writing and handling tricky jokes about celebrities (DiCaprio, Sean Penn, etc.)
  • Discusses balancing edgy humor with maintaining a positive room vibe.

    “The host is really the de facto head writer… The room really is just feeding this host. And that’s what it is with Nikki Glazer.” — Mike (16:38)

• “Inside baseball” on jokes flagged for potential controversy and strategies to avoid offense or on-camera awkwardness.

6. Airports, Oregano Oil, and Sickness

• Mike’s rant about labyrinthine Atlanta airport layout (25:05–25:58).
• Greg’s misadventure ingesting oregano oil, mistaking its toxicity (27:45–28:10).

  “I did a dropper. I thought it burned the back of my throat off. I think you can peel paint with it.” — Greg (27:47)

7. Theme Song, Logo, Listener Corrections, and Clarifications

• Bob Weir and Grateful Dead-themed logo in tribute to Bob Weir’s recent passing (28:12–28:50).
• Corrections on Sinead O’Connor’s cause of death and urban legends (e.g. scuba diver in forest fire) (28:50–30:48).
• Playful debate on gendered language: ‘mermaid’ vs ‘merman’ and the etymology of ‘maiden voyage’ (30:54–32:29).

8. News of the Weird: Trump, Crows, Yachts, and More

Trump & Greenland / Shipping Lanes (34:57–37:44)

• Trump’s latest move: tariffs on nations opposing his Greenland annexation ambitions.
• The international motivations, including Arctic shipping lanes and climate change.

  “I think they’d rather the glacial slide into the ocean versus Trump sliding in there.” — Greg (36:14)

Man Trains Crows to Steal MAGA Hats (37:44–40:10)

• Viral story of “Biz Dave” training crows to snatch MAGA hats as political mischief.

  “MAGA trains low IQ bullies on steroids to shoot people… We got birds stealing hats. That’ll even it up.” — Mike (38:52)

• Musings on liberal vs conservative “armies” in potential civil war.

Tech Billionaire Larry Ellison’s Yacht Name Blunder (40:12–42:13)

• Ellison forced to rename his yacht after discovering ‘Izanami’ spelled backwards is ‘I’m a Nazi’.
• Tangent on billionaire philanthropy and its relative scale—Ellison’s $150M ‘charity’ critiqued (41:35).

  "Not only that, it’s like obviously all written off…" — Greg

9. Ethical Quandaries & Advice Column

• Should you tell a dying friend you’re dating their ex? (43:05–44:17)
• Should you reveal a long-lost ‘first family’ to a sibling? (45:24–46:27)

  “No, you got to tell everybody. Tell everybody.” — Mike (46:10)

• Is past infidelity relevant in new relationships? (48:28–49:42)

  “I used to cheat a lot. And I told Erin when we started dating that I had a history…” — Mike (49:34)

10. Entertainment News: Pam Anderson vs. Seth Rogen at Globes

• Recap of Pam Anderson’s awkward encounter with Seth Rogen, rooted in her frustration over not being consulted for the “Pam & Tommy” series (50:26–52:13).

11. “Make America Florida” and “Kentucky”: Outrageous Crimes

• Florida man arrested for doing donuts in a Corvette on a first date in a church parking lot (53:16–54:39).
• Kentucky man impersonates a cop (again) to steal donuts (55:45–57:03).

  “Anyone who eats donuts going to be charged with impersonating a police officer?” — Mike (56:47)

• Discussion of police-freebies culture and “Donut King” documentary plug (58:02).

12. This Day in History — American Myths & Milestones

• Milestones: NASA’s first inclusion of female astronauts (’78), end of “Bonanza,” Ivan the Terrible’s coronation, first public Corvette unveiling, Al Capone’s birth (58:40–63:49).
• Personal stories (Mike’s dad’s 1981 Corvette and missed high school glory, the “Donut” car).

13. Letters to the Editor: Donkey Shows, Animal Rights, and Cultural Offense

• Listener weighs in on myth/truth of Mexican donkey shows, leading to an irreverent debate about who is “offended”—animal or human? (64:00–65:42)

14. Obituary: Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead

• Tribute to Bob Weir’s music, influence, and presence—memories of concerts, relatable on-stage presence, and documentary recommendations (66:47–69:32).

  “He had this renaissance after Jerry died… I’m hard-pressed to think of any musician that has played more concerts than Bob Weir.” — Mike (68:16)

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Memorable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Sinead O’Connor’s Intensity
   “Her features are so feminine and petite…[but] with the shaved head, which makes her look tough…the voice is so pure and the rage, it’s like Dylan on ‘Idiot Wind.’” — Mike (01:44)

• On Midwest vs. LA Football Fandom
   “I don’t like the people here. They’re not as bad as Philly, but there’s a lot of really low quality people in Los Angeles.” — Greg (06:00)

• On Award Show Betting Ethics
   “We can’t talk about that. So. Not that. No, no, not that much…And then it’s announced Hamnet wins.” — Greg (13:55)

• On the Head Writer-Host Dynamic
   “The host is really the de facto head writer…You are what the head writer is, that host.” — Mike (16:38)

• On Liberal vs MAGA Civil War
   “We got lesbians. We’ve got a skinny guy with a big beard and an NPR tote bag filled with hemp yarn swinging it at a fucking ex varsity athlete. We’re so dead.” — Mike (39:15)

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------|-------------| | SNL Exhibit/Sinead O’Connor | 00:37–03:24 | | NFL Picks | 10:18–11:22 | | Golden Globes Betting & Joke Writing | 11:36–24:57 | | Atlanta Airport Rant | 25:05–25:58 | | Listener Corrections & Maids/Mermen | 30:48–32:29 | | Trump—Greenland News & Shipping | 34:57–37:44 | | Crows Stealing MAGA Hats | 37:44–40:10 | | Larry Ellison’s Yacht Naming Fiasco | 40:12–42:13 | | Ethical Quandaries | 43:05–49:42 | | Florida/Kentucky Cluster of Dumb Crimes | 53:16–57:03 | | Bob Weir Tribute—Dead & Company Memories | 66:46–69:42 | | Letters to Editor—Donkey Shows | 64:00–65:42 |

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Running Gags & Inside Jokes

• Banter about merit of LA vs. Midwest cities, childhood fandoms, and family quirks.
• Mocking industry tropes (e.g., joke politics, inside baseball on award show writing, betting on monologue lines).
• Recurrent “Make America Florida” news stories, contrasting regional cultures and foibles.
• Teasing Mike about wordplay and “dad joke” tendencies in the Funnies segment.

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Tone

Consistently irreverent, sharp, and warm. Greg and Mike riff with the knowing tone of two decades-long comic pros—self-deprecating and culturally keen, equal parts zany and sincere.

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Takeaways for New Listeners

• You’ll get not only a cavalcade of absurd and intriguing real news, but also a look behind the curtain of Hollywood and comedy.
• The show is at its best when blending personal stories with larger pop and political commentary.
• The genuine rapport and quick-wit between Greg and Mike keep the show’s pace snappy and engaging, even through digressions and tangents.

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For the full “Sunday Papers” experience—listen for the laugh-out-loud moments, but come away with some unexpected trivia about pop culture, sports, and society's madness.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Date Bar.

[Mike Gibbons]

Greg and Mike, they'll give you the news. They're not always right, but you gotta choose.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you want facts or do you wanna laugh?

[Mike Gibbons]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Hear ye, hear ye. Extra, extra. Coming to you from where the am I? I am in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where are you?

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm in Atlanta, Georgia. I'm in week two of a ten week tour that I'm doing of the United States of America.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Week two. Yeah, you're almost there.

[Mike Gibbons]

In Cleveland last week, how was the

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Rock and Roll hall of Fame that you went to after we spoke?

[Mike Gibbons]

Ah, I go there and it was the SNL music exhibit. So they had. You could stand in front of these screens. They had like a few sets of headphones for each screen and you could dial up any musical performance that's ever happened on Saturday Night Live.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Except her. Tearing up the Pope.

[Mike Gibbons]

I bet that's the first thing I went to. And it was cut out. They had blank space during it and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I'm surprised they didn't show. They have her in rehearsal tearing up a picture of something else.

[Mike Gibbons]

Like a hungry child or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hope not. But.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, but Fitz fact. So then I go. So then I look the next one up is her. That was 92, 1990, which is her first time on Holy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, no, no, no. She. That. That's one of the times I think I was like. Literally, I think I phrased it. What is that?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, the camera comes in and it's that song. This is the last day of our acquaintance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

And it's just her. And. And her features are so feminine and petite. And then you've got the shaved head, which makes her look tough. And the camera. The whole first half of the song is one shot, one camera on her face, just pushing in slowly. As the intensity of this song builds, all it is is her on an acoustic guitar singing to the camera about this breakup that's about to happen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

And. And so you start to get shivers because the voice is so pure and the rage, it's like Dylan on Idiot Wind. There's this fresh breakup energy that is just coming straight through the voice. And so suddenly this girl walks over and she's about 14 and she's got on a Taylor Swift shirt and she sees it and she's like, what the fuck? So like she'd never seen her before. So she put on the headphones and about 20 seconds later is when, you know, when the band kicks in. All of a sudden, drums just crash down and she starts doing like a Punk rock jig where she's, like, jumping up and kicking her leg backwards and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

And this chick's jaw dropped and. I mean, I had tears coming down my face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it ended with her mom escorting you away from her daughter. No, no, no.

[Mike Gibbons]

The mom was tapping her on the shoulder like, we got to go. Girl wouldn't even turn her head. And then it ended and she walked away, and I was just like, yeah, that Taylor Swift shirts not. Not making it back to fucking Huntsville, Alabama.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hopefully not.

[Mike Gibbons]

She gets it. She gets it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a line in that song. Later on, we'll meet in somebody's office.

[Mike Gibbons]

Office. Oh, yeah, Lawyer's office. Yeah, it's. It's a very raw song, and it's. But she never gives her power away in the breakup. That's the thing about it. She's never a victim.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Idiot wind I always love and so much of Dylan, which I don't think Swifties tell me if I'm wrong. I don't know if she has this intellectual ability, but the best thing is, like, idiot wind is like an idiot, babe. You're an idiot. I wonder.

[Mike Gibbons]

You, you, you, you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then it's like, we're idiots, babe, by the end.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And Dylan does that a lot where he just realizes the truth, which is it's never one person.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow. Yeah. Which is that line. I. I can't even touch the books you read.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The museum was great. I go there every. Every year. I go to that club. I go to the Muse. You know, if you're ever. It's worth going to Cleveland for, that's

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

saying a lot now.

[Mike Gibbons]

Cleveland's fine. Cleveland's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. Oh, sorry.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, here's the thing is you don't have to go to these towns year after year and draw a crowd. I can't, right? No. But I do like Cleveland. There's a great hat store there that I go to that. It's called the Mad Hatter. I go there every year and I buy a cap. It's where I get my caps from. The restaurant at the comedy club is amazing. Somebody. There's a balcony and Saturday, early show. Somebody, I'm assuming, accidentally dropped a drink from the balcony and it landed in the middle of a table beneath it and smashed all over the place. I'm like, five minutes into my set.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa. Well, I'm all about the Midwest. If I can count Cleveland in that with the Chicago Bears this weekend, man. It might be today. No. Coming up. I'm rooting for Them hard.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's the Rams, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Rams visiting a very cold Chicago.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wait, how do you. How do you root against the Rams?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because I. I root against Los Angeles. That should explain it.

[Mike Gibbons]

You're such a jackass.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't like the people here. I don't.

[Mike Gibbons]

You've been here for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They're not as bad as Philly. They're not as bad as Philly, but there's a lot of really low quality people in Los Angeles.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, but I don't give a shit about the fan. I'm not rooting for the fans.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm rooting for fans of what, the St. Louis team that moved here. And the worst owner. The worst owner ever who fucked St. Louis.

[Mike Gibbons]

Georgia Fontillari. No, they started here, then they went to St. Louis, then they came back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I know, because I followed Joe Namath here. So all of a sudden, I'm an idiot with a Rams jersey when I'm in grammar school.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. He went to. Played for the Rams briefly when I was a kid, I had a Rams hat and T shirt. I was a huge Rams fan when I was like, 9 or 10 years old. Mostly because I like the shape of the helmets. I like the logo. And. And it just stuck. I've always been a fan, and now they've got just an insane bunch of receivers, and they make every show. Nakua makes every game a fucking showcase.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was an old guy on the Golden Globes. Oh, by the way, we're about to get to Golden Globes jokes that we didn't do on the show, so that'll be fun. There was an old guy in the Golden Globes, and he's unfortunately an Eagles fan. And so anyway, he's like, what about. I'm like, I don't follow football. He's like, you're kidding. I'm like, no, because I'm. Sadly, I'm a Jets fan. He's like, what? And you know. And he was kind of dug in. And I go, listen. I go, I was a young kid in a Giants neighborhood, but my dad brought me to Shea, and. And he goes, say no more. And I. And I looked at him kind of like, say no more. Cause you don't even want to hear about it. And literally the next thing, he goes, he goes, was he wearing a fur coat? And I'm like, yes. He was like, like, even, like, if you're of a certain age, you get it. Like that. That's it. That was the coolest thing that was. Walking around the planet.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, not only walking around, but There was a photograph of Namath at first, four o' clock in the morning, walking with a chick on his arm and a fur coat in the street on a game day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's unbelievable.

[Mike Gibbons]

Broadway jail, my, you know, my mom knows him. They live. They live in the same town.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know she let him, she let him play through.

[Mike Gibbons]

I was there. Yeah, we let him play through and he signed his book for her and. Yeah, really nice guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice. Anyway, I'm wearing an LA county fireman T shirt. And it's because my brother in law, who's an editor and a producer and director, he's great in television production stuff. He, like many people had a pivot and he wound up in the, in the video department of the, of the fire department in this great job. He's learned to fly drones and all this. He shoots a lot of the training videos, but he's also going to be shooting the fire videos for training also. And anyway, he gave us his Christmas presents, all this stuff. So Olivia and I. Olivia and I, before she went back to school, went to Earth Cafe for breakfast and she wore her fireman T shirt. And so we get it and we sit down and she kind of looks at the bill. At one point she's like, wait, something's very wrong. She's like, this is hardly anything. And she looked, and on the receipt it said fireman discount. And it was. And it was practically free. The stuff that she, they, they thought like, that she got.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's how Amazing. But my thought was, Olivia, if you ever needed feedback on how much of a lesbian you look like, that was just it. They think you're in the firehouse.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's great. I gotta get one of those shirts, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, don't abuse it. Don't abuse it.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm gonna, I'm gonna get. I'm gonna just double down. I'm gonna get like a wounded warrior hat, the fireman T shirt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't even know who I was with my fake id. Now I'm pretending to be a fireman. Yeah, it's crazy. One of my.

[Mike Gibbons]

By the way, first of all, today's Friday, so the games aren't until tomorrow. The Rams. We're talking about the Rams and the Bears. That's actually. Tom, it's Sunday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but I'm saying it's Sunday as people.

[Mike Gibbons]

Look how clever you are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know how. You know how calendars work, right? Time. You know how time works.

[Mike Gibbons]

So we got the Bills and the Broncos tomorrow. Let's make our picks real quick. All right? Bills Are beating the Broncos 49ers. 49. What do you think on that game?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you want me to look up odds? Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no odds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you don't want me to look up odds?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, don't look up the odds. I want you to guess without the odds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, go ahead, ask me a question.

[Mike Gibbons]

Bills versus Broncos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bills.

[Mike Gibbons]

Same with me. 49ers versus Seahawks. Keep in mind 49ers. Okay, me too, because the Seahawks quarterback is in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm picking who I want.

[Mike Gibbons]

Texans versus Patriots. I know this one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hate Texas. As you know. I. You know, I mean, I think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl.

[Mike Gibbons]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, so you got Patriots on that. I'm going to take Patriots on that. And then Rams versus Bears.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bears.

[Mike Gibbons]

Rams. You're taking Bears.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the decider. That's the only thing we need to talk about. Okay, so do you know this betting. There's a couple of these beds. We don't have to name them by name. These betting websites that are out now that you can bet on anything.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I don't even know if I should talk about this out loud. So a degenerate friend of ours who will go unnamed, but I think you know who. Ellen, stop. So he calls me and goes, hey, what do you know about the Globes? Like, who's going to win? I'm like. I go, you know, there's. I go. We parade out the goddamn accountants with their briefcases on. Like, on. You know what you call it? Handcuffs. I go, it's. No one knows. And he goes, there's no. He goes, but wait a minute. There's betting on what she'll say in the monologue. And I'm like, is this legal?

[Mike Gibbons]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he goes, yes, it's legal. And I go, well, ask me questions. So he asked me a question. I'm like, yeah, she's going to talk about that. So he goes, I'm betting on it. So I go, all right. I go. I go, all right, put me in for whatever you're in for.

[Mike Gibbons]

Should you be saying this on the air?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. And so we win.

[Mike Gibbons]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I guess it's very slow to cough up your money. It's not instant. And so he goes. He goes, I think we should let it ride. You know, he's.

[Mike Gibbons]

He.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He has a problem. He's like, I think we should let it ride. Let it all ride. And I'm like, all right. I go. I go, listen, they came in our room and they starred cards based just on their thoughts, the Golden Globes, like, you know, our community, because I guess it's 60 Golden Globes voters or whatever. Our community, like, kind of like these movies and stuff. So anyway, our money doesn't get freed up till, like, near the end. And then he go, even while the show's going on, and he's texting me, and he goes, all right, wait for movie. He goes, is one battle after another gonna win? Right? And I go, well, they said that, but they also liked Hamnet. And he goes, hamnet? What's. He goes, what's Hamnet? And I go, exactly. And so he's like. I say, we bet it all on Hamnet. I'm like, slow down. Yeah. I go, first of all. I go, that seems crazy to me. And I go. And all the action. So he goes, no, no. If we bet like what we want, it pays, like, quadruple. And so I go, I don't think we should do that. His next text is too late.

[Mike Gibbons]

So how much did you bet in the first place?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We can't talk about that. So. Not that. No, no, not that much. So anyway, all of a sudden, it's announced Hamnet wins. Hamnet. Hamnet won the movie of the year or the, you know, the drama of the year, whatever the hell is non musical comedy. And. And so we quadrupled the first bet. And that was. That was not inside information at all, because that's locked up. Yeah. So that happened, right?

[Mike Gibbons]

I love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So now I'm watching Hamnet, and I don't know how it won.

[Mike Gibbons]

I got to get this app because, you know, there are. How many things a year do we have inside information on, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I know. Are you kidding me? Well, like, you know, there's a very big bet, which is the national anthem. If you work in any even periphery of the super bowl and you're at the building and you're at the stadium that. That day. You know how long the. The national anthem is?

[Mike Gibbons]

Because they rehearse it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It's music. It's to time.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, they. They could carry the last note longer, I guess, but you'll probably see that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. You don't know if the conductor gets

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

to track, it's to track.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right. Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the whole key.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, so give us. Nikki was on

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Stern.

[Mike Gibbons]

She was on Stern, and she read some of the jokes that hadn't been done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

We're good. Some were not. I didn't think they. I didn't think she needed to read all of them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Oh, well, I have some and some will be the same, but our listeners haven't heard all of them, but I have some. I have some inside stories, too.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Some inside baseball if people are joining

[Mike Gibbons]

the show for the first time. Mike was the head writer on the Golden Globes this year, and. And it went very well. It got great reviews. Everybody I talked to thought the monologue was strong and. And all your stuff in the audience was really, really fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was a murderer's row of writers. And Nikki also is one of. You know, listen, what I. What I always say is the shows that we've loved the most, generally, comedy wise, they all. Almost all. But I think I'm going to say all of mine have one thing in common, where the host is really the de facto head writer, whether it's literally a sitcom like Larry Sanders or it's 30 Rock with Tina or it's early David Letterman, early Conan. You are what the head writer is, that host. You know what I mean? And then the real head writer is serving it up and learns how to serve up the choices for him. And the room really is just feeding this host. And that's what it is with Nikki Glazer.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that. And it shows. So. All right. Yeah, we had a lot of trouble with the opening line, which was. Well, so one of them was going to be, good evening, and welcome to the 83rd Golden Globes, the only good thing to happen in 2026. You might think it's too soon to call. I don't think it is.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. Let's see. I'm Nikki Glazer. I'm so excited to be back hosting the Golden Globes, the Oscars of award shows. Just kidding. We have a podcast award now. Yes. Tonight we're celebrating the world's greatest stars and the podcast they're forced to go on. Let's see. Just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I have no idea why I'm here either. Let's see.

[Mike Gibbons]

By the way, the two gay guys that were talking while people walked to the stage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What? Every year, God bless them. I love the director and the producer. Last year they shot angles from the side. So what happens is I wake up on Monday and it's glowing reviews about Nikki, both years in a row. And. But people immediately cut to but what horrible choices that were made. And like all this buts, but, but, but. And it sucks. It's like, just keep it even neutral, for Christ's sake.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. No, it wasn't. It didn't taint It. It just was annoying. It was just this little annoying. It was like having a gnat in your ear while you're watching people. Because the audio was awful. One of the guys, you just could not understand what he was saying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

They needed a gay translator.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice. All right, wait, let me see. Where did I. Where did I put the other ones? But. All right, here's what. Here was one joke. So the joke that we had. Here's some inside baseball. The joke that we had about Kevin Hart and the Rock being like, the great comedy duo, like Steve Martin and Martin, short for people under, for people over 50 IQ, I think was the joke.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so it was flagged in the room that that could potentially be taken as racist. And while I don't agree with that, I can see how someone could take it that way. You know what I mean?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, in other words, the joke, it's not a great defense. It's like, no, no, no. We're calling their fans like this. This isn't a racist joke. It's calling people retarded. So. So. And I go. You know, And I go. Not to get Norm MacDonald on it, but if you want to break down the joke, the joke still works as intended. If you were to, say, compare the Rock and Kevin Hart to Steve Martin, let's say that the other duo was Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy. The joke still works about the iq. So it's not. We've just removed race. It's not race. And so I go, God damn. No. Can we reinforce it? So I came up with the tag, like, Jumanji next level, was it? And that, like, kind of saved it and reinforced that it was a stupid joke.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that helped a lot. All right, Wait, where are my fucking jokes? Hold on. Sorry about this. Oh, jokes to keep. Sorry. I got it.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I'm not. I'm not wild about the Smart List podcast, only out of resentment that we've been doing it so much longer and make so much less money. But their bit was very funny when they came out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We wrote it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And by we, I. A guy, you know, Bob Castron, wrote it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Very funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. He was just on Fallon for two cycles and. Hold on a minute here. God damn it. Sorry. Here we go. Is this it? A Lister joke? Sorry. I should have my act more together. I have a. I have a email with all of them, a lot of them in it. But, yeah, anyway, we wrote that for Smart List. Some of them we helped write because we wanted to take over, because that was, like, kind of what we were talking about up top is we wanted the whole show to raise the level of, like, the whole show. We didn't want dumb banter. We didn't want. We didn't want that, like, review that said. But, you know, it was horrible, you know?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. So the. The joke she was gonna do about. About one battle after DiCaprio was gonna be in an interview, which is true. The week before, he was being interviewed, and he said he's never seen Titanic. And you're like, that's crazy. It's like. But then when you think about it, no wonder he's not interested. Titanic is 28 years old. And so we were. We were in a room with that joke, and we're like. And Nikki had started off the process, like, with the hardest assignment throughout the whole globes, which was, I don't want to do the easy joke about DiCaprio and young women. And it's like, oh, so of course we all get assignments like that. There's, like. Like nothing else. So when we're sitting there talking, it's like, yeah, but we, like, know nothing. Like, he doesn't give us anything. And we're like, let's say that. Yeah, like, let's say that. And in a way, the joke was just there, like, to get to that. And we changed the joke to give him his flowers, which is like, you know what Nikki likes to do sometimes before she cuts the legs out from under you. But also, at least she has said these really nice things about you. And another inside baseball thing was with Sean Penn. We were very worried about his reaction. So she. When she went on Jimmy Kimmel a couple of days before, she said she asked Jimmy, how do you think he'll take it? Because I don't want. What happens is everyone at home is gonna love it. That's not the issue. Will his reaction in the room sour the room? Yeah, and she doesn't want that, you know? And so, you know, she's only halfway through her monologue when she got to Sean Penn. And so, anyway, I gave. A lot of times we try to save this with tags. So if he had soured on the first joke, which was, Sean Penn is slowly morphing into a. A leather handbag. A sexy leather handbag.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If he soured on that or, like, got a. You know, she got a visceral reaction from him that was negative. Not that this helped it, but she was going to be like, oh, now it's a distressed leather handbag. And we were hoping at least that would make him laugh. Yeah, yeah, but that's where we were on that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I heard her. I don't know if I read an interview or she talked about it, but, you know, the key to it is also in the directing, is not to have the camera on somebody that's going to make a shitty face after a joke, and that the director has to have the vision of, like, how are they reacting? Don't show them. If they're grimacing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right there is that. And then sometimes we're like, don't show them. Last year we had the joke someone in this room, you know, years from now will be on YouTube, like, oh, that's before they caught that guy. And, you know, for, like, being me too and stuff. And as a predator. And it's like, you can't do that. It, like, ruins kind of the joke because you think that's part of the joke, the cutaway cutting to someone.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, unless it's a really.

[Mike Gibbons]

Camera is going up and down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, sorry.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's. It's dynamic, man.

[Mike Gibbons]

So,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

yeah. Anyway, Nikki, go find a lot of the jokes that Nikki did. Let me see if I'll find more. Sorry about this.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. This segment's really stalling out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's stalling out, man. All right, you get. Yo. You could. Why don't you do the ad while I look for some.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, well. Well, there's other stuff to talk about. We got, first of all, Atlanta Airport. I. I land and then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, this is better. This is better talk. Go ahead and.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, the. It's airport talk. You land and then I walk for no less than 20 minutes to get to a train that I'm on for five long stops. It's like, oh, no, I. I didn't fly somewhere to take a train somewhere. I'm in an airport. I'm not in a fucking train. Say it's so long that there's people reading newspapers like. Like, it's a subway. This fucking homeless people. It was like, am I on the sixth train right now? What the fuck is going on? And then you get out, and then you got to walk from the train to the uber is another 15 minutes after that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no, anyway, Dallas.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's like, Dallas, Yeah, that's my airport bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Adam Sandler, you were so good playing George Clooney's manager that now I want to blame you for Batman and Robin. What else, J. Kelly? Blah, blah, blah. Let's see. I can't believe I'm here. Look around this room. One thing we were trying to solve and we never did. It was like the 1990s. Threw up in the room, you know? And it was like, I can't believe I'm here. Look around. The absolute legends. We have a pretty woman, a good witch, and the worst Batman.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And then. But, like, then it's like, poundage. We had already done a lot of jokes anyway. That's kind of about. She did. She really did the best ones on Stern, so I won't bore you with those.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Mike Gibbons]

All we got oregano. What do you. What are you talking about? Oregano before the show?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no. I was just saying. So I'm sick, and I go into Whole Foods, right. Like, before this on the way back, and I get this oregano oil. And then I. I go get a coffee, and I. I go, can you ring up the oregano oil, too? He's like, yeah. He's like, oh, man, this stuff's the best. And he's like. And then he goes, yeah, my. My mom, like, believe in that. I always took that. You're gonna get better so fast. And I'm like, cool, cool. Thanks. Yeah, I've heard that. I've never had. He's like, oh, well, watch out. It's strong. So I'm like, yeah. I go, yeah. I go. I drink Mezcal, like, for pleasure. And he's like, right on, bro. No, not right on, bro. He should have been like, this is so much more toxic than Mezcal. I did. I did a dropper. I thought it burned the back of my throat off. I think you can peel paint with it.

[Mike Gibbons]

How many drops?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't. I mean, it was the end. It was the bottom of a. I think you're supposed to take four drops. Then I Google it because I'm like, what the just happened? And it goes, oh, it can be toxic. It could kill you. I mean, of course you'd have to chug it. No, but it can be toxic.

[Mike Gibbons]

Are you supposed to dissolve it in water? Are you supposed to put the drops right in?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you're supposed to put the. I don't know. That's what I did. So we'll see what happens.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, well, good luck. Good luck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, man. I'm all over the place. It's working.

[Mike Gibbons]

The logo this week comes from Bruce Wise. Who? Very, very nice gesture. Bob Weir. Pat. Oh, we didn't have. We don't put him in the obituary. We got to talk about Bob Weir. He passed away. So these are the Grateful Dead dancing bears, and we're in the middle. The song is from Ryan in Pink. Did you listen to it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, I did. Very acoustic and I liked it a lot.

[Mike Gibbons]

Just simple acoustic, fun lyrics. Perfect theme song. Thank you, Ryan. No AI.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Although that would be funny if that were AI.

[Mike Gibbons]

There's an A and an I in his name. Corrections. I wanted to clarify that Sinead o' Connor's cause of death was not suicide. It was due to natural causes, specifically chronic obstruction pulmonary disease, bronchial asthma, and a lower respiratory tract infection. Well, I feel awful that I said suicide. I think that was. Maybe the early conspiracies were that it was suicide because her son. And her son just killed himself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was blurry on that, too. And also there was a very significant delay in the determination.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, of course.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of death.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right. Well, that's that. Thank you, Hugh o'. Connor. And then apologize for this nose blowing. Ryan says, told at various times as having happened in California or France. I was talking about the. The guy in the frog suit being found in the ashes of a forest fire from them scooping up water from the ocean and dumping it on forest fires. Told at various times that happened in California, France. To date, there has never been. This is from snopes.com. there's never been so much as one charred scuba diver recovered from the aftermath of a forest fire. Sometimes you hear about a fisherman found in a tree still holding his fishing pole. Not surprising, because the technology governing both bucket and scoop water bombers rules out anyone being taken up with a load of water. The intake of the largest helibucket is a one foot ring. Although thousands of gallons can be carried in the largest Bambi bucket, it all gets in there through that one foot opening. Too small for a person to be pulled through.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it.

[Mike Gibbons]

And then Ryan says, I think 99% of my corrections have been directed at Greg. I have one for Mike.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love it. Bring it on in.

[Mike Gibbons]

Talking about the Make America Florida story of a woman wanting to be a mermaid, Mike kept saying male mermaid. There is a word for that. Merman. And the word maid is inherently female, so it was like he was saying a boy seagirl. It was refreshing to hear Gibbon say something stupid repeatedly. Really? You don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, so all maids? That's a given.

[Mike Gibbons]

They're women, Mermaids are women and mermen are men.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. Isn't that sexist?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, it's like saying a female fireman, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess so. I'm kind of not following it, but it hinges on maid is woman like a maiden, I guess.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here's a correction. I was supposed to be free this coming weekend, but I am now going to be at The Irvine Improv January 23rd and 24th. The next week I'll be in Austin at the Mothership Sacramento. Punchline. After that, Philadelphia Helium. February, Valentine's day weekend. Lexington, Kentucky. Houston, Fort Worth. Come on out. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets. We'll see at the clubs. People, it's time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A maiden voyage is the first official trip or journey of a new ship or boat. Okay. Comes from the historical tradition referring to ships as feminine. Okay, that's interesting. I never knew what made in voyage, why it was called that. All right, yeah, okay, I get that. Still, I like a dude mermaid.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's. It's time for the. It's time for football. Your. Maybe your mind gets a little distracted. You're not as focused on your lovemaking. Look, there's a lot of reasons why, but there's no shame involved with. It's time to level up. Blue Chew just dropped something crazy. Next level, championship belt. Gold plated Energy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There you go.

[Mike Gibbons]

Blue Chew gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand. This. This little blue pill. Let me tell you something. Here's the. It is a beast. It's a four in one beast. And it will. It's got apomorphine and easy for you to say. Pytocin, right? Oh, so your brain and body are both working together. And you know how it works. All you need is 15 minutes. Pop it in your mouth, it melts. You walk into that living room, you stick out your tongue. She sees blue and she sees red. She.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what happens.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't know. Whatever she sees, all right, when she's. I walk, I walk in the living room. Look, I was on the antidepressants for a while. I experienced a little bit of Ed. I think my, My nickname for my penis was Ed. And, And I. I got the. I got the Not Ed Wood. I got the Blue Chew pill. And let me tell you something. Unbelievable. Game changer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fantastic.

[Mike Gibbons]

So Listen, it takes 15 minutes to kick in. It's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or less.

[Mike Gibbons]

Or less. So, you know, if you got a hookup going, you know, maybe somebody texts you for a late night, whatever, you're not there. Ladies, if you're listening, send your man the link. Make him a trophy husband with Bluechew Gold. So forget about Netflix. Now it's about Blue Chew. We've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew Gold with code papers that's promo code papers. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. So there you go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fantastic. Go get a man. Nice discount.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Make life easier by getting harder and discover the apps. All right. Anyway.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, front page.

[Mike Gibbons]

Got some paper?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no, but here we go. Front page. Let's go. Oh, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

President story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here we go.

[Mike Gibbons]

President Donald Trump.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's he up to now?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, he said he's considering applying new tariffs on countries that oppose his ambition of annexing Greenland.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fantastic.

[Mike Gibbons]

Trump's push to control Greenland has prompted outrage among European nations who fear the move could rupture law and standing at transatlantic ties. How do you spell. How do you say Epstein files in Danish? Do you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Because it's pretty obvious what's going on right now. Everybody look over here. Don't look over there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you see that joke last week that Denmark was considering renaming Greenland Epstein island so he wouldn't want it? Such a funny joke.

[Mike Gibbons]

Great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. This is. We have invaded one sovereign nation and I guess he's going after another one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's unbelievable.

[Mike Gibbons]

I speak Danish, by the way. Go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I knew that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Goats Nudal. I just said Happy New Year in Danish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It will be once we take over.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, I can't wait to get a timeshare in Greenland. It's basically a block of ice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not for long, apparently.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I think one of the reasons why.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's worse, I think that I think they'd rather that the glacial slide into the ocean versus Trump sliding in there.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, if he. I think he's going to immediately start fracking and moving everything away from solar so it will melt faster once he gets there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

But no, it's a lot about shipping lanes that are going to open up that used to be ice blocks and that are now going to keep boats from having to go through the Panama Canal. They'll be able to go north and across what used to be ice they're projecting will be shipping lanes very soon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait a minute. Isn't the Panama Canal the shipping. The shipping lanes you're talking about going towards the Far East?

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't know. I was just reading that they wouldn't have to go through the Panama Canal. They could go north instead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's probably heading east, I imagine, is what they're talking about like a quicker way to Europe? I don't know.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I think Europe to the U.S. okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You threw the Panama Canal in there.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, how else are you going to, you know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. All Right. We can move on.

[Mike Gibbons]

What am I. What am I supposed to pull out a map? Am I supposed to get my. My fucking ways out? Let's pick my. My nautical ways on my phone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's picking easier. News story for Greg. Man trains crows to attack MAGA hats. After saying there's no longer a moral option. A man What? Oh, sorry. There's no longer a moral option. You pasted this in here. You did a very bad job.

[Mike Gibbons]

I didn't do shit. I never touched it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't put this. I emailed you this story. A man has gone viral. A man has gone viral after training a murderer of crows to swoop down and snatch MAGA hats from unsuspecting Trump supporters. Documenting his months long experiment, he ruffled feathers after having successfully trained crows to swoop down and take the hats. Talking to his threads page, Dave, who goes by the username Biz Dave, went viral after documenting all the steps and stages of his Covid. Sorry, Corvid. Training stages. I don't know what corvid means. Showing how a handful of peanuts, months of patience, and a dash of political mischief turn local crows into red hat removing legends. I kind of like this story.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think it's great. MAGA trains low IQ bullies on steroids to shoot people in the head. We got birds stealing hats. That'll show them. That'll even it up. Dude, we are going to lose. When's the civil war? Is it next week or is it the week after?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't check what we're gonna have

[Mike Gibbons]

a week and a half.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We need the crows, man.

[Mike Gibbons]

Liberals are dead. They've got all the guns they exercise. We gotta. They got all. We got lesbians. We've got a skinny guy with a big beard and an NPR tote bag filled with hemp yarn swinging it at a fucking ex varsity athlete. We're so dead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. I can't wait till the MAGA crowd reacts to this. More black things to hate. That's what's gonna happen. That's how they're. That's how they're gonna paint it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, right? Is it. I think it's called a murder. A group of crows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. No, that's how I described it up top.

[Mike Gibbons]

They're very, very smart birds and they have a memory and they hold grudges.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. They more than us. They're going to remember these tariffs were bullshit.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The crows will not forget that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tech billionaire forced to rename humongous yacht this story, which I didn't Put in this article, it. It literally said, this sounds like something the Onion would write. So here we go. After spending tens of millions of dollars on a Florida safari park, Larry Ellison bought himself an enormous 191foot vessel, technically a downsize from his previous 288foot yacht. And he named it Izanami Iza Na. The name was reportedly inspired by a Shinto deity in Japan mythology. Sorry, Japanese mythology of the same name. The female creator of creation itself and death. But the. But the moniker didn't stick after Ellison was informed that the name spelled something deeply embarrassing when reversed. It just simply says, I'm a Nazi.

[Mike Gibbons]

Literally, letter for letter. I'm a Nazi.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I would think he'd be like, best name ever. If people want to read into it, let him go.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, well, if you spell Ellison backwards, it's no silly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, almost.

[Mike Gibbons]

Not exactly. But very close to no silly. By the way, you know, you can shit on him all you want. Ellison has donated $150 million in his life, which is pretty impressive unless you factor it in to his net worth of 300 billion and you realize that's less than 0.01% of his total wealth. That's what he's donated in his lifetime.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not only that, it's like obviously all written off and everything. So it's probably even lower than it then factors in. Lower than that?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's crazy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I mean, maybe we should be grateful. What's he gonna, you know, what is he gonna donate to?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, he's very into Republicanism. Wait, there's some specific things that are. That he gets upset about. I can't remember, but. Oh, Israel. He's a big Israel guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great. Do we want him giving a billion dollars to more arms for Israel? I mean, I guess a lot of people do want that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Some people do. I don't really care. Am I allowed to say I don't care about Israel and the Palestinians?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think at this level in your career, you can say anything you want.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got your following. They know who you are.

[Mike Gibbons]

Is that an insult?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, not really. Not really. All right, here we go to the ethical question.

[Mike Gibbons]

Ethical questions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, we kind of just had one and you failed it. All right, here we go. Ready? All right. My old friend might be dying. Should I tell her I have not read these as you could just tell, My old friend might be dying. Should I tell her I'm dating her ex? The next sentence was, she's reaching out, asking to reconnect. I've postponed a meeting Feeling paralyzed.

[Mike Gibbons]

I just read an email exchange between two comedians, and one of them was upset with the other one. And these are juicy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Go ahead.

[Mike Gibbons]

So he wrote to him and he said, hey, I'm really sorry about something that happened years ago. I made a bad call in not telling you something, a truth that was going on at the time, and I.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't like it. I immediately press delete.

[Mike Gibbons]

So the guy said, well, I'm glad you didn't tell me that at the time, because I didn't really want to hear that. So you weren't doing anything wrong. You actually did me a favor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're saying wait till she's dead to tell her.

[Mike Gibbons]

Tell her. Tell her after she dies. Yeah, go to one of those fortune tellers that nobody can understand how they're still in business. There's storefronts that have gypsy or palm reader. And I've never once in my life seen anybody going in or coming out of one of those places. And they are often in pretty good real estate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. It's. Well, I mean, come on. Everybody believes in angels. I mean, and literally, a devil down. Down below the earth surface.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So what do you want? What do you expect?

[Mike Gibbons]

We got to fight the devil.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. What would you do in this case?

[Mike Gibbons]

I wouldn't tell her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Would not. Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Why would you tell her?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. Yeah, but I mean, you're probably going to. Listen, this dying friend is going to have quite a poker face. So she might get it out of you just by her stare at you. But she's probably asleep with open eyes. Don't fall for it. Yeah, like she's staring you down. You're like, oh, my God, she knows. I gotta tell her. No, she doesn't know.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, here's another juicy one. Okay, go ahead.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, by extension, how much stuff do you even tell your father at this point? Like, you know, there's things that parents at a certain age don't need to know. Maybe things you did when you were younger or whatever. It's. It's not your job to confess things to. To. Not. I'm not saying our parents are dying, but as they get older, there's just no reason to, you know, unload on people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I agree. This is kind of in that area. Next question. Should I scrub the evidence that our dad had a family before ours? And then I'm sure it would kill my younger sister if I told her what I found.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, you got to tell everybody. Tell everybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Whoa, whoa. What a u Turn from the first question.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, because these people are young. They have their lives ahead. I think about the children of the other family. We have a dear friend who had a brother that fathered a daughter and then ignored the family. And it turned out that that girl grew up with no family. It was just a single mom, no cousins, nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do I know this person?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, Very well. Oh, and she said that all she had wished when she was young is that she had been allowed into this other family because her family is unbelievable. They're great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It sounds like it's too late for that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't think so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, this is a New York Times reader. So this woman and her sister. I'm assuming it's a woman. Why did I assume it's a woman? To kill my. I'm sure it would kill my younger sister. Could be a guy. So anyway, this. These siblings, it's. I'm assuming they're at least in their 20s. If not, I think they're in their 50s.

[Mike Gibbons]

New York Times readers. They're in their late 70s.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right. And I'm also. The picture is. Is of an old. The drawing. The here is of an old man. But I also. The dad could be dead. Does any of that change your opinion?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, age does to some. I mean, you're. I don't see it as telling somebody a bad thing. I think we've moved past that in society. I think people have accepted that these things happen, that there could be another family. And that in the end, almost all, all of the time, it turns out to be something that both sides are glad they knew about. As opposed to telling somebody who's dying that you're fucking their ex boyfriend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If the dad's alive, does he have a say in it?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, he has no say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Golly, look at you, Mr. Tough Love.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's the victim. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you mean he's the victim?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, I mean he's the perpetrator. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Yeah. He's got to step up.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Here's another one. If you want a little, little one. We're going to spend a couple of sentences. Do I have to tell my new boyfriend about my past infidelity? He knows I started seeing someone as my marriage was deteriorating, but I have not admitted the full truth.

[Mike Gibbons]

In other words, should she talk about cheating with another guy or did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's the newboy. It's a new guy. She has a new boyfriend after her marriage. But while married she was cheating on her husband at the end.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. He needs to know that well, it

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

sounds like he already knows that. But she has not admitted the full truth.

[Mike Gibbons]

Now it's like buying a horse. And they don't tell you it has shin splints. It's illegal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they could tell you it has leg problems, and then maybe shin splints is worse. So she said there was some infidelity, but, like, it was, like, with 19 guys at a time. What do you think it was? What's the full truth here? Yeah, maybe it was with men and women. Women.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, I used. I used to cheat a lot. And I told Aaron when we started dating that I had a history of cheating.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I said, I can't marry you if I ever think that I would do that. And so we dated for three years. And during that three years, about six months into us dating, I was suddenly the host of an MTV game show, touring the country, doing colleges in my 20s, and it was like 30, and I didn't do it. And I knew if I could survive that, then I can make it. So we got married.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a great story that you've been had. Yeah. All right, here we go. What are we going on to? Entertainment.

[Mike Gibbons]

Speaking of entertainment, Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. This in the room.

[Mike Gibbons]

And we're back to the Golden Globes for Pam Anderson. The Golden Globes weren't all glitz and glamour. The Naked Gun star, 58. Oh, she's our age. Revealed in an interview on Andy Cohen SiriusXM show that she felt yucky around nominee Seth Rogen, the producer of the show Pam and Tommy, which chronicled her tumultuous romance with Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee Rogan, also starred in the series. She said Rogan, who won the award for comedy the studio, which was awful, made the series without speaking to her first. After presenting at the Globes alongside Rose Byrne, the actress said she left and went right to bed. Good, Good. Seth Rogen. I'm so tired of his. His laughing at his own jokes that aren't funny. You had a chance to talk to Pam Anderson and you turned it down. You could have. I would write a movie just to talk to Pam Anderson.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, it's a little bit of a no win because he already did the deed, you know, like, he already pissed her off. He should have talked to her. Well, it's hard to talk to her back then if you. If you're making it, no matter what she feels. But I guess go up to her if you're in the room. He might have been too high.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, no. I think she's talking about he didn't talk to her before the movie. He should have sat down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, of course that's why she's pissed. But then I did read the interview that this article came from and she was like. It was awkward in the room, but like she said he probably should have like come over and maybe apologized.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right, right, right. Yeah. It was a shitty thing because then

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

it's like a weird awkward standoff. And I know where they were sitting. They were sitting very close to each other.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh no, we have to study. And then, ah, they moved someone, which Nikki up because she asked and she even out loud said, you're in here somewhere. But they, you know, we in the prompter. Even in some more inside baseball. But we put like left or right. Originally what I wanted to do was put like 1 for 1 o' clock or 3 for 3 o', clock, but I realized I was dealing with a woman. So we just had to go left and right. But you didn't know how. You didn't know how. Left and right.

[Mike Gibbons]

But.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But because we did a dress rehearsal that morning. She's really good. And locked it in. And then they moved. Emma Stone, I think, or Jennifer Lawrence, one of those two. They moved.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you could tell she was like, looked. And then they were.

[Mike Gibbons]

When the joke relied on the camera finding them and it didn't and it kind of. It fucked up the joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. We're going to make America. Florida, y'.

[Mike Gibbons]

All. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. This story reminded me a little bit of you. Florida man arrested after allegedly doing Corvette donuts in church parking lot on first date. The incident in question reportedly happened on the evening of Saturday, January 10th. According to the Gulf Coast New 28 year old Landon Morris was behind the wheel of his great Corvette with his date in the passenger seat. I hope so. The year and model the Corvette is unclear. I don't know why that's in there. Anyway. It sounded very hot, rotted out, no mufflers, Very, very loud. The loud vet may have been attractive to his date, but. But it also reportedly attracted the attention of the county deputy who followed the Corvette as it illegally sped through several neighborhoods before it went into this church. It was in this parking lot that the Corvette performed several. Several donuts and smoke so thick it could be seen from far away. He could barely see the car, the officer said. And then he ended the first date when he arrested Morris. The female passenger reportedly apologized to the police and told them she was the one who asked Morris to do the doughnuts. I think that is a keeper, huh?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I think that's. Well, first of all, the names don't sound Italian enough to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

That, that sounds like an Eastchester thing right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it's Greece Chester all the way.

[Mike Gibbons]

I remember my friend, My friend had a Mercury Bobcat. It was a four speed Mercury Bobcat. It looked like an AMC Pacer. And he let me borrow it to go buy beer. And then I came back and he goes, I heard tires screeching. Were you doing donuts in my car? And we all fucking fell down laughing. And we started calling his car the Donut after that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Screecher. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, this guy's lucky that ice didn't shoot him in the head.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. Well, I don't know. He was acting very American.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's no more American now because of the way Trump has set up this country. There's no more American than Florida.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, Florida.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're the United States of Florida.

[Mike Gibbons]

We made America. Florida.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We. That's what's happened now. A couple of other states are trying to keep up, like Kentucky. So here we go with Make America Kentucky. It's a little similar. We got a donut theme. Kentucky man tries to steal donuts by posing as police officer. According to an arrest citation, James Sullivan entered the Thornton's on cane Run Road Dec. 1 and grabbed several items, including donuts and coffee from the machine. He flashed a silver badge. This is like my fireman T shirt. Resembling a police badge on his hip before exiting the store without paying. The value of the items was estimated to be 10 bucks. He had done the same thing numerous times in the past. He's a convicted felon and currently on probation for impersonating a police officer. He was arrested Tuesday and charged with shoplifting and once again, impersonating a police officer.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wait, so is anyone who eats donuts going to be charged with impersonating a police officer?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the good news. He went down to Florida and arrested that kid doing donuts in the church parking lot. Yeah, it's not all bad.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, it's just so great to be on probation, which is like you've already served time. You, you know how bad it is on the inside. You know, you got. And then you make a $10 shoplifting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just waving the badge and walking out with it.

[Mike Gibbons]

So great. Why did this guy just become a cop?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, do you know how offended I'd be if I saw a real cop do that? Yeah, I'd be Like, no, no, come on. You got to go up and. It's not. It's not carte blanche. It's not. I'm going to. What, are you going to take in a dolly next time with a box and just load up?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, no, no. This was a. There's a reason why cops eat donuts, and it's because donut shops have always given cops free donuts and coffee because they want them around the shop so nobody robs it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like, fine, but at least go up and put a dollar in the coffee can. You know, like, go through the motions now.

[Mike Gibbons]

Just shoot bad guys. That's all we want them to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, I'll say it again. That documentary, I think it's on Netflix, called Donut King, about the history of donuts in Los Angeles, is fascinating. You and Aaron watch it, and then when you're about a third of the way through and you're like, this is a pretty exhaustive documentary on how LA got all these donut shops. Just keep watching. Watching. It hasn't even started.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow. Yeah. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Lots of twists and turns.

[Mike Gibbons]

Speaking of twists and turns, let's get down to this day in history.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This day in history. Here we go. Full disclosure. I haven't vetted the whole day, but we got some. I got one to start out of the gate. We got NASA's first female astronauts on this.

[Mike Gibbons]

NASA or NASA?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

NASA. Nassau County. Yeah. Long Island. On this day, in what year? NASA announced. NASA announced the members of its newest class of astronauts, which, for the first time in history, included six women. Sally Ride, I think, became the most famous of all of them. And then she was called the first woman in space, give or take five years. When do you think this announcement of the astronauts was?

[Mike Gibbons]

1959.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So close. 78.

[Mike Gibbons]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wait, but what about that movie? Didn't they make that movie about the women that had. Oh, that was doing the. They were writing the tech for the space program.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The black women.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Invisible figures.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. That. Because that was in, like, the late 50s, early 60s.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. The last episode of Bonanza aired on NBC. How many seasons? This is not part of the. But how many seasons do you think bonanza ran for?

[Mike Gibbons]

12.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Very good. 14. So the last episode was in what year? Give or take four years.

[Mike Gibbons]

1971.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bingo, baby. 73.

[Mike Gibbons]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like it a lot. All right, let's see. I'm going to say, give or take. 150 years on this one.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I, Ivan the terrible, was crowned czar and grand prince of all Russia, give or take 150 years. When was the rule of Ivan the Terrible?

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow. Ivan the Terrible. I wonder if anybody. Does anybody name their kids Ivan anymore?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, don't confuse. There was Ivan the Irritable. Not him. This guy did not. He wasn't mature enough to handle his irritability.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right, right. He had adhd. Ivan the Terrible was just misdiagnosed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. I'm gonna say the year is 1500.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude. 1547.

[Mike Gibbons]

No way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Come on now.

[Mike Gibbons]

I love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Wow. What a day. This ties into our news stories on this day in what year, the Chevrolet Corvette was first unveiled to the public at the New York stop of the General Motors Motorama traveling auto show. More than 45,000Americans checked out the new concept car. So many the police had to step in to control the crowd. GM never intended to turn this concept car into a production model. But design executive Harley J. Earl realized its potential, and the company soon began manufacturing actual working versions, give or take 10 years. When do you think the first Corvette was seen by Americans?

[Mike Gibbons]

Was it a stingray? Was the first ones called Stingrays or was that later?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm looking at it. It's hot. This version is like it. It's very, very cool.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm gonna say, obviously they were huge in the 60s, but if they had designed it, I would say. 55, buddy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

53.

[Mike Gibbons]

Very nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is well done.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, let's see if my father had a Corvette.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you told me that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. It was a 1981. And the engine was called an L82. And it was one of the fat. One of the biggest production engines that had ever been put into a car. And he never let me drive it. All this. I mean, I used to take it out when he wasn't around. And then he was gonna let me take it to school one day. He had leased it, so, like the three year lease was up and he was gonna let me take it to school one day. And I was gonna get so much pussy. And then the engine died the day before turning it in. Yeah. So I never got to take it to school.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And hopefully he didn't have to deal with that.

[Mike Gibbons]

There was a crack in the engine block and the oil came out and the engine seized.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you went back in the four speed Mercury.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's right. The Bobcat, the donut, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's when you did do the donuts. All right, here we go. Last one. I'm going to say give or take 14 years.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gangster Al Capone was born in Brooklyn, New York.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, Al Capone was big in the 30s and 40s. I'll just go round. I'll go 1900, 1899. Yeah, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Come on now.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm on fire today.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So we're going to close it out. That's it. It's over. Get out while you're ahead.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Going to. What? Letters to the editor.

[Mike Gibbons]

A quick letter to the editor. This comes from Ryan about the donkey show. We talked about those donkey shows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

That I'd heard about down in Mexico where women make love to donkeys, not men. I tend to believe they are true. Ed Calderon was on your friend's podcast, the Adam Carolla Show. He confirmed the. And he brought pictures on the air. So next time you're on, bring it up. No homo, but love you guys. Damn it, I wish it was homo. Love you guys.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. When you talk about a donkey sex show with women.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In America, do you think most. Most people are offended? On behalf of which.

[Mike Gibbons]

I've often thought that because, like, you know, my dog Brulee, I would pet him and he would always try to put his penis in my hand. He would move around to position his penis to where I was rubbing. And I always thought if I did do that, I'm the one that would go to jail. I'm just doing what this animal is asking me to do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you shouldn't have been rubbing your anus. I don't know. That's what was getting him. I think it's one of those things where I think a lot of people are thinking about the donkey.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. It's true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Especially these American white women. If it's a Mexican woman in the show, I guarantee you they're thinking about the donkey.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

White women. Don't even get me started. Obituary. Here we go.

[Mike Gibbons]

So Scott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert. Yeah. Died at 68 of metastatic prostate cancer. He used his own corporate experiences to satirize white collar office life from the 1990s to 2023, when hundreds of newspapers dropped his strip after he made widely condemned racist comments on his YouTube channel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Well, to paraphrase Ross Abrash, his prostate cancer was caused by shitting out unfunny comics for 40 years.

[Mike Gibbons]

He said that about him?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, he do. You're not going to like this. He said that about Charles Schultz.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, God. All right, let's cheer up and transition seamlessly to the sunny to the funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hold on.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bob Weir.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, right. Let's get into Bob Weir.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, tonight at Penmar. You're out of town, but it begins at 4:20. They're playing the Dead and they're also playing video clips of them. So they're having kind of a. A little bit of a Dead themed party tonight to remember. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, that's nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you know, Penmar has a lot of merch that has the steal your face and a lot of the sort of insignia of the Dead. It's definitely a Dead friendly crowd there,

[Mike Gibbons]

I believe. Was he in the Rock and Roll? I mean, the Dead has to be in the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I imagined.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. So, I mean, he was. I was very fortunate enough to see them once with you. I saw the Dead in the last couple years twice, or Dead and company and he still had it. Man, that guy was still. He was tearing it up. And it was so nice that he had this kind of renaissance after Jerry died, where John Mayer came in and they had an amazing chemistry together. I saw him at the Sphere, saw the show there, and he. There's a great documentary about him. I think it's on Netflix. I saw it about a year and a half ago. So if you want to learn more about his amazing life. I'm hard pressed to think of any musician that has played more concerts than Bob Weir, because when the Dead wasn't touring, he had his own band that he used to travel with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you remember Rat Dog? Rat Dog or something like that?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. And I mean, the Dead toured from the mid-60s, 60s until last week, non stop. And then he was adding those other shows to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you didn't see them a lot in the 1900s, let's call it.

[Mike Gibbons]

When I was a teenager, we used to go see them all the time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I started in the. Because, I mean, God, I went to boarding school. So I started in the early 80s. And I have seen them a lot. And whenever I was like tripping or something, he was always a good anchor for me because he looked the. I don't know why. Maybe this says more about me. He kind of looked the healthiest.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So if I was starting to like kind of lose it and then be. And just maybe get paranoid or be like, I am in such a hippie drug culture overload, I mistakenly or sort of misguidedly would look to him like he'd had his jean shorts on and he looked like he worked out. I'm like, yeah, that. That's a. That's. That's a positive. That's A positive figure right there compared to Jerry, who's all. Who knows what he was on and, like, the unhealthiest looking. Meanwhile, Jerry's the best vibes ever. Don't get me wrong, but sometimes I look to him, I'd be like, all right, things are going to be okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah. But he was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, he. He was. He was great. And there is a good documentary on him. All right, let's cheer up with the funnies. Here we go. It's time for the comics.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. Every week we do the Comedy Captions contest. I give you one frame of a comic strip. You write a punchline, you send it to fitzdogradiomail.com at which point we. We pull them together, we pick some good ones, we read them, we pick a winner. That person will get a koozie mailed to their house. Please put your joke. Put your name right under your joke when you mail it in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are we still saying that? Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. So last week's picture was. It was a guy who's a hiker. He's got a backpack on. He's pulling himself up to the top of the mountain where there sits the mouth of a cave with the Grim Reaper sitting there with his hand on his stomach. Kind of a big stomach for a grim reaper. He's got a sith in his hand, and the hiker is talking to him. Kenny Engel said, please tell me why. Please tell me my wife beat me to the top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kind of funny.

[Mike Gibbons]

David Harriman said, this is what 30 years of sobriety looks like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. A little bit of a thinker.

[Mike Gibbons]

Radu Sympion said, fuck, I was told it was going to be a virgin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who told him that?

[Mike Gibbons]

He could be a virgin. Guy could be a virgin. Jeff Adams said, this is not the descent I planned for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, all right. He's going to hell.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's clever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Stephen Mangram said, well, well, you sure ain't the Slim Reaper.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He does look portly.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have a question. So you see the grim reapers sitting there, and it's skeletal, right? Like its legs, and it's reclining. Could the Grim Reaper be dead? Very ignorant. Question. Is the Grim Reaper a skeleton?

[Mike Gibbons]

Interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. Okay, go on.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. Ben said, I didn't know Goth's hike.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting. All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Kind Kelly Holmes said, where have you been, man? I just ate my whole family.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, all right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Kurt Gibbs said, worst Tinder date ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't get that at all. Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Pat La Throp said, how much to cook me a hamburger whore?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, well, I Think Pat writes these in advance? I think he writes captions sight unseen. Are you sure that's not from another week where we had the peewee? I mean, the Popeye. The Popeye guy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Now, this is a callback. This is a callback. I think it's fucking brilliant.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's kind of a fun thing to do every. How about this? This week, if you're doing this right, write a caption for the. The. The. The cartoon that Greg's about to describe. Send those in the usual. The usual drill. Then write and put the date on it. Right. I'm gonna look up the date right now and write just a caption blindly. I think that's kind of fun because I'm an idiot.

[Mike Gibbons]

So generic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So what. What's Today's date?

[Mike Gibbons]

Today's the 18th of January.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's the 19th, right?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, this airs on the 18th.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it's the 26th. Hold on. I'm in the wrong year. Where did I go here? Okay, so Anyway, right. It's the 18th of January. So just put February 1st. February 1st caption. Just write that Feb.1 caption and just write one, and those will be fun.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, good. I love it. Yeah. Next week's caption is. It looks like a guy, he's got on a cap that says zoo, and he's in, like, coveralls. And he is what looks like unscrewing the tail of a snake from an outdoor faucet. There's a hose sitting next to the snake, obviously looks like a snake, and the snake is coiled up with his ass in the faucet. And the zoo guy, hand around the snake's neck, and the other hand is unscrewing his tail from the outdoor faucet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, exactly. Now are we going back up to pick a winner?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah. Who do you like?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess the first one. Kenny Engel.

[Mike Gibbons]

Please tell me my wife beat me to the top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think so.

[Mike Gibbons]

I kind of like Slim Reaper. Well, you sure ain't a Slim Reaper.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You love wordplay. I get that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, sounds good.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, so, Steven Mangram, Congratulations. You won. Send us your address to the email address and we'll get it out to you. Real, real comics. Now we got Hagger the horrible Hagar is standing frantically in front of the window. He and Helga is sitting calmly in an army armchair. He says, there are. There are a hundred soldiers about to bust through our door. How are you not frantic? And she says, the house is clean. Does she not know what's about to be dirty? Forget the house. She is about to get manhandled by a marauding gang of Vikings. Calm. What does that say about her?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, nerves of steal. This one or. She's been through it a few times.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, you get numb. You build up calluses.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I never seen Hagar on the defensive.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, that's very unusual. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What. I mean, well, what. What, is he in Greenland? Is this topical?

[Mike Gibbons]

This is Greenland.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's happening?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Trump and. And all of the Senate is showing up. 100 guys. All right, Lockhorns, we've got. Loretta and Leroy are talking to the exterminator. And he goes, well, they were carpenter ants, so there's no telling when they'll come back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ah, smart.

[Mike Gibbons]

She is at the desk paying bills, and she goes, I figured out our net worth. We can buy a net.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. This one will bring it home.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, good.

[Mike Gibbons]

She's in the kitchen. She's bent over the stove, this black smoke coming out. And he says, auditioning for baking Bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. I mean, you know, it's wordplay, of course, but it's. It's pretty good.

[Mike Gibbons]

If it's good word play, I don't have a problem with it. I just don't like bad word play. You got an onion for us?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I got a bunch. Let's see which one. Man, they put out so many. There's already more since the one. I picked one before this started. Let's. Here we go. Lazy Boy introduces adjustable morphine drip. I. With a great picture of a customized Lazy Boy. I like that one a lot.

[Mike Gibbons]

I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then let's see if there's another one.

[Mike Gibbons]

It reminds me of that movie. What was the movie that the guy from Beavis and Butthead did Mike Judge did about the future.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Idiocracy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Idiocracy. Where the guys just. Everybody just sits in La Z boys and drinks Big Gulps and watch people stepping on rakes on TV over and over again. Exactly what we're doing now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also, while masturbating, like the. My favorite lie, someone knocks on his door. He's like, I'm baiting. It's so funny.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Anyway, just go support the Onion. It's so good. It's great.

[Mike Gibbons]

Speaking of good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, wait. This is a good one. This is one that should be said. Washington Post publishes editorial defending the FBI raid on its reporter. That's a perfect summary of what whores the media are right now.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Speaking of whores, Blondie opens the door. In walks Dagwood in his stupid tan raincoat. And they kiss. Oh. And he goes, what's new, sweetheart? And she goes, not much, honey. And then he goes, what's for dinner? And she goes, not much, honey. And then he goes, at this rate, I'm not even gonna mention how much my raise was today. And she goes, let me guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They just put out the fire so fast.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep. I mean, here he is, he's kissing her in the hallway, and he's gonna bring up how he's failing at work. We get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. How about you? Can't think of a clever segue from there's nothing to eat with that standing in front of you?

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, when. How much pussy am I going to get tonight? Not much, honey. Not with that raise.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, the poor couple.

[Mike Gibbons]

Jeez, even the dog is just. He just can't believe it. All right, listen, folks, I'm sorry. My energy was very low today.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm sick.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm jet lagged. You're sick? We pushed through it. We hope you enjoyed it. If not, next week, we're gonna be even more full of energy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, man.

[Mike Gibbons]

Don't forget, if you have the need, get yourself Bluechew Gold. We're gonna give you a deal on it right now. If you go to bluechew.com and you put in promo code papers, you're gonna get 10% off your first month. Also, I got dates coming up in Irvine, Austin, Sacramento. Go get some tickets, Mike. Anything you want to promote.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Perfecto. What do I want to promote? I don't know. Still the best movie I've seen, I think is Train Dreams, but Hamnet, you know, we'll see how it goes. Oh, no other choice. A lot of people are saying how great it is. I not on board. I'm not on board. The movie. Korean movie. No other choice. Okay, so those are opposite of endorsements, I guess.

[Mike Gibbons]

But I want you to choice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I want. There is another choice. I want you to spend your time better.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And other than that. Take it ish.

[Mike Gibbons]

Take it eash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Give you the news. They're not always right. But you gotta choose.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you want facts or do you wanna laugh? If you chose a ladder, they got your boy back.

[Mike Gibbons]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

paid the price of identity fraud.

[Mike Gibbons]

What do I do? My refund though. I'm freaking out. Don't worry, I can fix this. Lifelock fixes identity theft guaranteed and gets your money back with up to $3 million in coverage. I'm so relieved. No problem. I'll be with you every step of the way. One in four was a fraud paying American. Not anymore. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply.