Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 298 1/25/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Ep. 298 (1/25/26)

Release Date: January 25, 2026 | Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons

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Episode Overview

This week's Sunday Papers offers Greg and Mike’s signature take on current events and personal adventures, blending sharp, funny headlines with stories from their lives. The hosts riff on everything from the serious—World Economic Forum, epic weather, ICE raids, sports upsets—to the absurd, including golf linguistics, library shenanigans, and the latest celebrity sex scandal out of Florida. A spirited debate on morality, a dive into comedy history, genuine listener engagement, and some truly questionable advice on sexual health (and BlueChew!) make this a classic episode.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Setting the Tone: What Sunday Papers Is (00:56–01:24)

• Greg opens with, “There needs to be a place where you can come and maybe get a little break from [the news], but at the same time touch on it lightly. I think that's what we're shooting for.”
• Mike clarifies the show will avoid deep dives into intense topics like the World Economic Forum, sticking to more humorous or accessible current events.

2. On the World Economic Forum (01:24–02:44)

• Greg wonders if Davos is essentially a public forum for global economic collusion, “Is that just bald-faced companies colluding worldwide?”
• Mike adds, “There is a real rupture right now... capitalists really value stability and predictability.”

3. Golf Tales: Cross-cultural Confusion & Comedy (02:49–06:57)

• Tales from a recent round of golf, where rules confusion and casual betting games result in cross-cultural hilarity.
• Greg realizes mid-game that their new golf companions are Japanese after shouting a betting phrase (“sawichi”)—which, to their amusement, actually means “one stick” in Japanese.
  • “He called knee no chikadora. He's like, there's a saying for that also...chikadora.”
• The group bonds over the surprising overlap of golf lingo and cultural exchange, with laughter at accidental offense and affectionate teasing.

4. Mel Brooks Documentary & Comedy Roots (06:57–13:09)

• Greg reviews a new Mel Brooks documentary, sharing behind-the-scenes anecdotes from its premiere.
  • “Mel Brooks. 99 years old ... sits through the entire 2 hours and 45 minutes, and then gets on stage with Judd [Apatow] afterwards, and they riff for about 20 minutes. It was so great.” (10:38)
• Discussion covers Mel’s impact on comedy and the lesser-known fact—thanks to Mike—that Brooks produced The Elephant Man:
  • Mike: “He saw Eraserhead and he took a chance on David Lynch...”
• Greg shares a lighter moment: he and Moshe Kasher landed in the New York Times for goofing off on the red carpet.

5. NFL Playoffs: Triumph, Tragedy, and Bets (13:12–16:01)

• Laments on the early playoff exits of fan-favorite teams (San Francisco, Chicago, Buffalo).
  • “The Bears haven't won in so long and there's such a gutsy team... and Buffalo's been shut down nine times now in the playoffs.” (13:46)
• Greg is hopeful about his childhood favorite, the Rams, and a bet is struck: “Alright, game time odds. I will take the Rams and you take Seattle.” (15:20)

6. Listener Feedback & Core Fan Appreciation (16:03–19:44)

• Highlighting an email from Paul Laquazi (“Lacuzzi”), who humorously wagers $500 on whether Mike will ever send him a promised koozie, offering charitable alternatives for the winnings.
• Greg pitches the GoFundMe “Support Rocky's Road to Recovery” for comedian Rocky LaPorte, noting community and hardship.
  • “If you can go to Support Rocky's Road to Recovery, you can donate some money there, and that would be really amazing.” (18:47)

7. Irreverent Corrections & Listener Letters (20:59–23:55)

• Ray Maslanka provides the week’s theme song, and listeners offer corrections:
  • Mike called the movie Hidden Figures “Invisible Figures”—Greg finds it funny but arguably excusable.
  • A listener corrects that the Grim Reaper holds a “scythe” (not “Sith”).

8. National Weather Woes: Humor Amid Crisis (27:05–29:48)

• Discusses the massive winter storm threatening a swath of the US.
• Mike offers comic word nerdiness: “A swath is a long, broad strip or area of something. Originally the path cut by a scythe.” (27:58)
• Greg: “This is why I like a weather report. It's just one thing everybody can agree on. It's nonpartisan. It's fact. Ice is a danger to most of the country right now.” (28:25)

9. ICE Raids & Philly’s Infamous Defiance (30:24–32:49)

• Reports on rumored ICE operations in Philadelphia prompt local responses—characteristic Philly defiance.
  • “Philadelphians are known to riot even when their sports teams win.” (30:55)
• Mike and Greg riff on how ICE might distinguish Italian-Americans from immigrants, imagining chaos and police training at zoos.
  • “The Philly animals... they've got nothing to lose.” (31:41)
• Emphasis on avoiding unnecessary escalation: “ICE wants you to fight back... so stay cool, people.” (32:35)

10. Odd News: Coyote Swims to Alcatraz (33:12–34:47)

• A coyote makes a 1.25-mile swim to Alcatraz—Greg and Mike riff on possible motivations (“Maybe the roadrunner tricked him into thinking he was in the prison”).

11. More News Quick-Hits (36:09–40:49)

• Nathan's Famous is sold to Smithfield Foods—a lament on small business swallowed by big conglomerate.
• A library book is returned 46 years overdue (Greg: “Maybe Gubbins will be returning Chaos in 12 years when he finishes reading it.”)
• Mike shares a high school memory about a friend busted for stealing magazine photos (“Next time, son, take the whole magazine.”).

12. Ethical Dilemmas & Dark Humor (41:01–43:05)

• Thought experiment: “How many people you don't know and have never met would you choose to die to keep your family alive?”
  • Mike: “All of them, right? ...I have them ranked!” (41:10)
• The conversation devolves into twisted logic—harvesting semen, beta males, and childhood magazine clippings.

13. Bizarre Science: “Vabbing” Trend (50:48–54:19)

• Discussing the new trend where women use vaginal secretions as “perfume” to attract partners—a segment full of awkward jokes and personal stories.
  • “To me, don't you usually put the perfume on your vagina?”
• Greg tells a story about getting caught by a girlfriend “smelling like vagina” after a tryst.

14. Florida & Philly Madness (43:47–49:47)

• Florida headline: Stepmom charged with sexual conduct with her underage stepson—unfiltered commentary, legal head-scratching.
• Philly: “Man charged with vandalizing Humpty Dumpty statue at the Jersey Shore Mini Golf Course... These Philly animals are going to be sliding down the lamppost and coming at you.” (49:38)

15. Science, Death, and TV Trivia (55:09–59:22)

• This Day in History segment focuses on famous deaths and TV premieres (Hank Aaron, Larry King, Johnny Carson, Roots).
  • Greg fails spectacularly at guessing death years, but nails the year Roots premiered: “1977.”

16. Letters to the Editor & Listener Appreciation (60:39–62:09)

• Heartfelt message from Trisha: “Sunday Papers feels way more authentic to me...I feel like I’m in on a conversation between two real friends." (61:32)
• Mike adds a barb about rival podcast Smartless: “They got, like, $100 million or something.”

17. Funnies and Comics Commentary (63:01–69:56)

• The week’s comic caption contest is recapped—no winner, but Mike promises to finally send out a koozie.
• Greg provides irreverent (and slightly horny) commentary on “Blondie,” fantasizing about Dagwood’s missed opportunities.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Greg (On the show’s mission): “There needs to be a place where you can come and maybe get a little break from [the news], but at the same time touch on it lightly. I think that's what we're shooting for.” (01:00)
• Mike (on Philly and ICE): “If I'm head of ICE and we're going into Philadelphia, let me tell you how we're doing it. We’re going to train at a zoo. The Philly animals are going to be sliding down the lamppost and coming at you. They're the scariest animal of all, because they have nothing to lose.”
• Greg (on Mel Brooks): "He is 99 years old, and nobody knew. Judd said to me, 'I don’t think he's gonna make it.' Shows up, sits through the entire 2 hours and 45 minutes, and then gets on stage with Judd afterwards, and they riff for about 20 minutes." (10:38)
• Mike (on the controversial Florida story): “The victim described how the interaction soon escalated... The victim—victim's a weird word here.”
• Greg (on vabbing): “To me, don’t you usually put the perfume on your vagina?”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Show Start/Philosophy: 00:56–01:24
• World Economic Forum: 01:24–02:44
• Golf Story: 02:49–06:57
• Mel Brooks Documentary: 06:57–13:09
• NFL Playoffs Chat: 13:12–16:01
• Listener Email & Fanbase: 16:03–19:44
• Listener Corrections: 20:59–23:55
• Winter Storm News: 27:05–29:48
• ICE in Philly: 30:24–32:49
• Coyote to Alcatraz: 33:12–34:47
• Nathan's Hot Dogs Sale: 36:09–37:32
• Library Book Returned: 38:01–40:32
• Ethical Dilemma: 41:01–43:05
• Vabbing Trend: 50:48–54:19
• Florida Stepmom Story: 43:47–49:47
• Philly’s Humpty Dumpty Incident: 49:38–50:24
• This Day in History: 55:09–59:22
• Letters to the Editor: 60:39–62:09
• Funnies Segment: 63:01–69:56

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Closing & Plugs

• Greg is gigging at Joe Rogan’s Mothership in Austin (Jan 30 – Feb 1), Sacramento Punchline, and more.
• Promo for BlueChew: “Make life easier by getting harder... 10% off your first month with code PAPERS." (26:30)
• Encourages listeners to donate to Rocky LaPorte’s GoFundMe (18:47).
• Mike recommends (or unrecommends) recent TV—says Tehran is worth checking out.

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Additional Highlights

• Freewheeling banter on language nuances and American regional stereotypes.
• Mike’s investigative asides—on swath vs. scythe, on word origins.
• Several comedy “deep cuts,” with affectionate roasts between the hosts.
• Repeated reminders (always in good humor) of Mike’s unresolved merchandise debts!

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For New Listeners

This episode showcases why Sunday Papers is a favorite among fans seeking comedy that’s candid, irreverent, and just personal enough to feel like you’re eavesdropping on two old friends. It’s a whirlwind of news, nostalgic pop culture, and the off-beat life of comics on (and off) stage. If you like news with your jokes (and jokes at the news), this is your show.

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Produced by Gotham Production Studios, part of The Gotham Network.

Transcript

[Mike Gibbons]

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[Greg]

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[Mike Gibbons]

See experian.com for details.

[Greg]

Experian.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's been seven days. I don't remember a thing. I need somebody to tell me what's happening. I need the front page, some funnies, some current event capers. I need some guys that call themselves the Sunday papers.

[Greg]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Ladies and gentlemen, we got you a newspaper.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg]

I mean, look, the news. Let's just, let's just start the show by saying this. There's a lot going on in the world right now and it pretty hard to keep your head about you. And you know, there, there, there, there needs to be a place where you can come and maybe get a little break from it, but at the same time touch on it lightly. I think that's what we're shooting for.

[Mike Gibbons]

We're gonna do some news, but we're not, we're not gonna go into the World Economic Forum or summit, whatever that was, which is full of material, but I don't think we're gonna go there now.

[Greg]

The whole World Economic Forum thing, is that, is that just bald faced companies colluding worldwide?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, I thought the clips I saw were pretty fascinating of a lot of leaders and, and, and some consensus. Like there is a real rupture right now, you know, with everything, with the whole Greenland and all that and just also attacking countries. So. No, there was some very, very serious talks from. No, but in general leaders.

[Greg]

But is Davos normally just like a kind of a trilateral commission thing, but in the light of day?

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't really understand your question.

[Greg]

I mean, isn't it just big businesses from around the world getting together and setting the terms for what the economy is going to be for the next year?

[Mike Gibbons]

But by big businesses, do you mean countries?

[Greg]

Yeah, but it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the economic leaders of each country that are meeting.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I would say one of the goals that they would like is stability.

[Greg]

Yep.

[Mike Gibbons]

Because capitalists really value stability and predictability.

[Greg]

Right. Well, Democrats do.

[Mike Gibbons]

Republicans used to. More.

[Greg]

Yes. Anyway, can I tell you. Well, let me tell people. We played golf yesterday, which you owe me money for, and you mysteriously can't find my Venmo. You're like. You're like ted Nice. Not being able to find his wallet after losing on Caddyshack. Hey, Rocky, help the judge find his checkbook.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

So we play golf yesterday, and long story short, but we ended up getting two people added to our group and two of our friends got knocked out of the group because there's a fucking Nazi woman running the golf course right now.

[Mike Gibbons]

You also told us to show up at the wrong time.

[Greg]

No, no.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, you did.

[Greg]

I sent you guys a copy of the Tea Time when I invited you. And. And it said 210. Somebody wrote back. So the group is. And they named everybody and then wrote 220. And then I saw that. And then yesterday I said, just confirming everybody for 220. So it's partly my fault, but not really.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg]

Anyway, so two guys. Two guys show up at 2:20 and she cuts those two guys out. So we end up playing with these two Japanese guys. I don't know they're Japanese. None of us know they're Japanese. You don't generally ask on the first tee what the person's background is. Yeah, but they're, you know, they're nice. They're very nice guys. And then we get to the first green and we play this betting game that Matt Malloy made up where if the ball is further than the flag stick from the hole, in other words, if it's about. What is that, about 12ft. About 12ft from the hole you call saweechee. And then if you make the putt, you get a dollar from everybody. And if you miss it, you owe everybody a dollar. So we never knew. We didn't. I think Matt. We didn't know if Matt did. We just knew it was a funny sounding Asian thing. So I get to the first green and I yell out before my putt, I yell out, sawichi. And then I realized that we're with two fucking Japanese. And the Japanese guy fucking busts out laughing. He's like, how you know that? I was like, no, what? Like. And then you even said, you go, what does it mean? We say it, but we don't know what it means. And the Japanese guy says, it means one stick. So we were exactly right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, No, I think that's cool. I got it exactly.

[Greg]

And I have no idea how Matt Malloy from upstate New York knew the japane Phrase for one stick.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm glad. I'm just glad we curved our reactions. Usually when you make or miss it, we're always like, oh.

[Greg]

Oh. We don't. We do bend over, though, but it's not a bow. We're just picking up the ball.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. What's so funny is that those groans everyone would know is like a Japanese man.

[Greg]

Like, oh.

[Mike Gibbons]

Like, how do you. How does one get that just from that? Can't that be anybody?

[Greg]

Well, and then I hit the driver. I have a shot that nobody else hits, which is called hitting your driver off the deck, which means you hit it out of the fairway. You're the rough with the driver, which is difficult because you don't get a lot of loft out of the club anyway. So I line it up and you go, oh. I go, yeah. I go. Hit it off the deck. And he goes, no. He called knee no chikadora.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's like, there's a saying for that also.

[Greg]

Yeah, there's a saying. It's chikadora. And so all day, I probably hit three more that day, and every time I did, I would go, chicodora. And he would fucking laugh his ass off. And you realize you're not mocking them. That's how they say their language.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, boy. Well, the hardest he laughed was when you start doing. He's like, oh. And you're. And he's like, oh. They have a word for. They have a phrase for that. Chica dora. And then I said, yeah. It means dumbass. And he died laughing. So I knew he was on our team.

[Greg]

So I had a great night. Two nights ago, I went to see, and I highly recommend it is out as of this weekend. There's a documentary about Mel Brooks on whatever the fuck they call it these days. But it's. Judd Apatow produced it, and it's. It's Mel's life. There's two parts, so this was the first part. It was like an hour and 45 minutes. So it's pretty lengthy. And it starts with him as a kid. And you move.

[Mike Gibbons]

Shortest thing Judd's ever done.

[Greg]

I know, I know. And you moved. And what's really weird is that he actually got Seth Rogen in it, which he's not even. Has nothing to do with Mel Brooks. So he goes off. I mean, just to. Just to hit some high notes. He grows up in Brooklyn, and he said he literally never met anybody who wasn't Jewish until he was a teenager and went into Manhattan and was like, who are all these Going, who are these people? And so it was just such an insular world in Brooklyn in those days. And he was a small guy. And Judd kind of said, like, where did your sense of humor come from? Was it like an insecurity? And he's like, no. He goes, it made people like me. I was the smallest guy in the neighborhood and everybody loved me. I made everybody laugh. And I just. And you know, he had this great mom who really encouraged him. And so anyway, so he goes off and he joins the. He wants to fight Hitler. So at 17, he joins the army and he gets sent off.

[Mike Gibbons]

Hitler's not even in power yet. He just wants to go over there and find the artist. Adolf Hitler.

[Greg]

Yes. He's a huge fan. He wants to pick up. Yeah, he likes his exterior stuff. And so he signs up and they send him over. And he's the guy that walks through the battlefield with a stick poking for landmines. And he said, if you heard metal, then you went, okay, it's. There's one over here. And. And then the other group would come in and they'd actually remove it. So that's what he did for two years in Europe.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, my God. I thought you were gonna say he couldn't get into the army despite wanting to. Cause of his size.

[Greg]

Nope, nope.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg]

And so. And then he was doing. And he had already started doing standup because he knew a guy. And if people don't know about the Catskills, I think almost everybody does. But it's a resort that was very Jewish, about an hour and a half north of New York City or west. And it was filled with, you know, Buddy Hackett and Henny Youngman and Alan King and all the guys that you and I know from the Friars Club.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg]

And so he grew up as a busboy at one of the resorts in the. In the Catskills. And his deal was he was a busboy. And unless somebody got sick, then he literally understudied every single person in the show and knew their lines. It like, if somebody dropped out, he was in and he knew their lines and he would kill. And so he started learning stand up, did a little bit of sketch and stand up in the army, and then got out at 20. He had three brothers that were all in World War II at the same time.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, my God.

[Greg]

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on it, cuz you should see my Private Brooks. But it's so interesting because it gets into, like, his huge successes and when things weren't going well, he admittedly was a really nasty guy. And his first marriage to a fucking hottie. She was a dancer on, like, your show of shows or something. And when he was out of work, he lost his marriage, he lost his three kids. He was just really. And he admits it. And so, anyway, so I get to the premiere, and there's a big red carpet and who's there? Mel Brooks. 99 years old, and nobody knew. Judd said to me, I don't think he's gonna make it. This is too much for him. Shows up, sits through the entire 2 hours and 45 minutes, and then gets on stage with Judd afterwards, and they riff for about 20 minutes. It was so great. Great.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's incredible. He is amazing.

[Greg]

I mean, I don't know anybody in the comedy world, whether you're a writer or a director or an actor or comedian, that is not fundamentally affected by Mel Brooks's work growing up.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, absolutely. Are you kidding me?

[Greg]

I mean, he's the definition of funny.

[Mike Gibbons]

How about this? In every way you could think of and many ways you can. Here's one you can't. And it's very far down that list. He's responsible for giving us all David Lynch.

[Greg]

Give us what?

[Mike Gibbons]

David Lynch.

[Greg]

He was.

[Mike Gibbons]

He was the producer of Elephant Man. He saw a racer head and he took a chance on David lynch that even David lynch couldn't believe and let him. He let him direct. Am I. Yeah. David lynch, the beloved director Mel Brooks gave him his start.

[Greg]

Directing what?

[Mike Gibbons]

Elephant Man?

[Greg]

That was a Mel Brooks production?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep. He produced it.

[Greg]

And people know that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I know by design. People asked Mel Brooks, they said, why isn't your name. I mean, you were one of the heavyweights of Hollywood. He said, because I just. My name has comedy dripping all over it.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I didn't want that near this production.

[Greg]

Oh, my God. That's wild.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep.

[Greg]

So he spoke, and then it was just fun. It was a fun group of comics that were there, a bunch of celebrities. And then. And then I got in the New York Times the next day. They did. They did photos from the red carpet, and there were like, five. And for some weird reason, me and. What's his name? Moshe Kasher.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg]

Just because we were fucking around on the red carpet and we were acting like imbeciles. And so we were. We were making the New York Times photographer laugh. So I think she just kind of did us a favor and put us in.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's great.

[Greg]

So what do we got here? We are the worst.

[Mike Gibbons]

Someone pointed out, like, two of the teams out of the four. Like that we wanted, were immediately out. And sure enough, three of the teams I wanted out of four, I think that's. Anyway San Francisco, Chicago and Buffalo all gone. I mean, three very likable teams gone. Like.

[Greg]

Yeah, probably the, those were probably the. I would say not probably, definitely. Those three teams were the most popular nationally for people.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

You know, because the Bears haven't won in so long and there's such a gutsy team and the fans are so huge and Buffalo's been shut down nine times now in the playoffs.

[Mike Gibbons]

So did you get home in time to see that overtime?

[Greg]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

And the past that led to overtime with the Bears.

[Greg]

I mean, it's going to go down in history as one of the great overtime playoff touchdown passes.

[Mike Gibbons]

The funny thing is you see him and you see him scramble and all that, and then you see him just, you know, hail Marriott. Right. So you're expecting like, all right, now four guys, five guys are going to jump up. A very typical ending. And then it didn't end that way. But what you don't realize is how far back he, he had gone. Like that wasn't a toss into the end zone.

[Greg]

It was like a 50 yard pass moving backwards. He didn't have his feet under him for that throw. That was all arm.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's just an incredible athlete, man.

[Greg]

But look, the main team that's still in it, which is my team since I was nine years old, is the Rams, baby. And they're going up against Seattle. I think that Seattle might be favored by a couple points. Points. But it's anybody's game. Seattle is the loudest stadium in the country, which has a huge effect on home games.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm just. Now, I have no more, I have no more feelings about any of this. So it's all going to be. I'm just going to bet. What, what is, what, what are the stats?

[Greg]

All right, let's make a bet right now.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, I'm going to look on like, you know, and get, and get good bets and we need good bets.

[Greg]

We, we, we.

[Mike Gibbons]

Game time odds and all that. I'll bet with you when the time comes.

[Greg]

All right, game time odds. I will take the Rams and you take Seattle.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, perfect. I love that. Okay, I think you might owe me money from a previous bet.

[Greg]

We don't do that. We don't do that.

[Mike Gibbons]

We don't do that. Okay, fine, then let's make it a thousand bucks.

[Greg]

Yeah. The Rams are two and a half point underdogs right now, so we'll see what it is at Game time.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. What is this letter to me?

[Greg]

No. So how much we make in the bet?

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't know. 20 bucks.

[Greg]

All right, 20 bucks. So anyway, we got an email from a guy named Paul Laquazi. I hope I'm saying that right. L, I, C, A, U, S I Lacazi. Because this is an important. Well, you're from Eastchester, so you probably know more than I would.

[Mike Gibbons]

Lacazi.

[Greg]

I want a beer, Cook. Ah, this is.

[Mike Gibbons]

Is it lacuzzi? Maybe it's lacuzzi.

[Greg]

Yeah, I won a beer koozie a while back, and Mike never sent it to me. I'm here. I'm here to make. Mike, I swear to God, you have done more to hurt our fan base. I mean, anybody that buys a koozie or submits jokes for Sunday papers, those are our core, biggest.

[Mike Gibbons]

They're delightful people.

[Greg]

And you have still got.

[Mike Gibbons]

I still have a handful. They're gonna go out.

[Greg]

We've lost them.

[Mike Gibbons]

The koozies.

[Greg]

Yeah. I'm here to make Mike a bet. I bet Mike $500 a parentheses. I have the disposable income and have paid more for less. If Mike sends me my prize before the podcast, after the one you read this message on, I will do one of the following. Your choice, Greg. A. Send Mike $500.

[Mike Gibbons]

I like a.

[Greg]

Send you, Greg $500, and Mike gets nothing. C. I will pay the podcast $500 for an ad where I call out an ex girlfriend who did me wrong. Without names, but with lots of details. Paul Lucasi from Port Jefferson, New York. Good Long island boy. So here's what I suggest.

[Mike Gibbons]

Mm.

[Greg]

There's a comic. I don't know if you know this comic, but his name is Rocky Laporte. I believe he's from Long island, too. This is perfect. Pretty sure Rocky's from. Why don't you look up where Rocky laporte is from while I. While I explain this?

[Mike Gibbons]

You want me to look up something?

[Greg]

Yes. So Rocky had a very bad accident recently. He's on a rocky road, and he was injured badly. He is not mobile right now. This happened a couple months ago, and he still can't get out and do stand up. He's got.

[Mike Gibbons]

What's Rocky's last name?

[Greg]

Laporte. L A P O R T E. And so he's laid up, and there's a gofundme which I've been spreading around to people, and I'd like to announce it right now if you want to get involved. This is a great comic. A dear friend of a Lot of us. And he's having a really hard time. His daughter has cancer, and I mean, it's just really, really rough. So if you can go to support Rocky's road to recovery, you can donate some money there, and that would be really amazing. And. And anybody that does that, send me a screenshot and I will read your name on the air for doing a nice thing. But what I'm suggesting is the $500 from. From Paul Lucuzzi should go to support Rocky's road to recovery.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's the second best idea. Other than giving me 500 bucks.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

So, you know, it's funny. Rocky Laporte Wikipedia page is just professional. It doesn't mention where he was in the Shaggy dog, though. Tim Allen watched him do a stand up set on Comedy Central Presents and said he's his favorite new comic and put him in the Shaggy dog. And that got him going, huh? But I don't know where on Long island he's from.

[Greg]

All right. Oh, God, no. This accident was back in August. Yeah, he's had a bunch of surgeries. Pelvic. Oh, my God. Brutal. So anyway, he. I don't see anything about Long island, but whatever he's from, this would be a really amazing. So. So, Mike, take some Ritalin tomorrow morning, get a koozie.

[Mike Gibbons]

I have to send this thing to Port Jeff.

[Greg]

Port Jeff, baby.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, man.

[Greg]

I know. It's not like he's in Philly.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, acousties going to Port Jeff because of our comedian friend.

[Greg]

Okay, good. Our logo this week. Speaking of you guys pitching in, Bob, who is our. One of our main logo guys has a logo thing. It says welcome to Nook and we are draft dressed in heavy parka jackets. My first stand up comedy joke of all time. And you probably remember because you were there.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, man, the snorkel jacket.

[Greg]

The snorkel jacket I used to talk about. My mom bought me a snorkel jacket and I felt I looked like an anteater or an aardvark. Yes, it was a very long closing bit.

[Mike Gibbons]

Snowballs hitting you on the side of the head. Yeah, I've seen it a lot. But by the way, it's Sunday right now and anyone in the middle of the country is probably indoors all day long. I mean, they don't know what this storm is going to be. But we're going to talk about it.

[Greg]

We're going to get to it. Good tease. Good tease, Mike.

[Mike Gibbons]

Sure.

[Greg]

Such a pro.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I forgot to do it, though. Go ahead.

[Greg]

The song this week is from Ray Maslanka who gives us really great stuff.

[Mike Gibbons]

Thank you, Ray. Greg did not send it to me yet, so I haven't heard it yet.

[Greg]

He said if we are still keeping AI score. Guitar, bass, vocals, organ, percussion. Ray Maslanka drum loop. Cheesy bass effects pedal I never really use. Okay, so I guess maybe the drum loop and the bass were. Were factory made sounds. It corrections that that Mike called Hidden Figures movie Invisible Figures. Haha.

[Mike Gibbons]

Shows what he thinks. Well wait, what's so bad about. I mean, I'm on the side of those ladies.

[Greg]

What?

[Mike Gibbons]

They were invisible. It's like they're invisible to me. But I guess hidden figures is also a math term. Maybe.

[Greg]

Oh, I see. Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

But I don't know, he's thinking I maybe. Seems like his letter is saying I might have invalidated them even more than the word hidden does. But I don't know. That's what I think. I think it's the same meaning. Really? Yeah.

[Greg]

And then we got Tommy from Tokyo says a sith is a Star wars thing. What? We were talking about the comic strip from last week. What the Grim Reaper holds is a scythe.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Lithe or rye. Oh, scythe. Scythe or scythe.

[Mike Gibbons]

Scythe. Life. Life Rive Scythe. So Tommy, I always heard scythe.

[Greg]

Here's a correction for you, Tommy. In Tokyo, it's rice, not lice.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, look at you. Our Japanese golfing friends would not approve that joke.

[Greg]

Silly crazy Fun on the YouTube channel wrote us a note that said the first woman in space was Valentina.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, sorry. This is Dirty Dan's. Dirty Dan's wrote this.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

We forgot about the Soviet woman.

[Greg]

Right?

[Mike Gibbons]

And then get this Silly crazy fun wrote me. Ouch. Mike. Being told oregano oil is strong versus it literally burns without dilution. She googled it for can cause chemical burns when applied directly to the skin. Or so I learned that afterwards. There. I should never have taken the dropper and put it down my throat. Like, remember last week I was talking about the kids? Like, hey, that stuff strong. Like, yeah, I'm all right. You know, like what I like tricking mezcal. Like you know, just with no mixer. Like not this. It can peel your skin off and.

[Greg]

It'S literally the most sensitive skin on your body. It's the soft mucus in the back of your throat.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I did like half a drop or I don't even. That must have been like 10. I don't know how many drops to a drop or people probably know it's probably 10 drops. I did crazy at least eight.

[Greg]

There was something in here, but Philly, did it get erased?

[Mike Gibbons]

Note. Is it down below with letters to the editor?

[Greg]

Oh, maybe. Yeah. Tour dates, folks. Are you kidding me? Irvine Improv. Oh no, that'll be over by the time this happens. How about Austin? The mothership in Austin, Texas, January 30 through February 1. Those will sell out. Get your tickets fast. Sacramento, Punchline, February 5 through 7. Philly at the Helium Comedy Club, February 13 through 15. Valentine's Day. Bring your gal out, bring your girl out. Lexington, Houston, Fort Worth, Louisiana. We got the St. Patty's Day show. Mike will be performing on March 17th. Oh, now Janesville, Wisconsin, Bakersfield, Escondido. Get [e-mail].

[Mike Gibbons]

There we go.

[Greg]

Mike, should we talk about what's really important on this podcast?

[Mike Gibbons]

I'd say you should.

[Greg]

Let's talk about getting hard.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah, that's a little. It's a little crude.

[Greg]

No, it's time to level up.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, okay.

[Greg]

Blue Chew is a your friend. They dropped something crazy. They got this new championship belts, this new level. Blue Chew Gold. It's from the number one chewable Ed brand. It's, it's. I mean, look, we all know about.

[Mike Gibbons]

Men mixed with apomorphine and oxytocin to turn up the arousal and connection in your brain and body.

[Greg]

And it's for, you know, look, I, I take it, I don't need to. Look, I take depression anti anxiety pills. And sometimes not everything is where it needs to be. And so bluechew has provided me the opportunity to be a beast. Like I'm back in my twenties again. Oh my God, honey, come on, come on and talk about this.

[Mike Gibbons]

Or Aaron.

[Greg]

So you know, look, next time you get like a U up, uh huh. On your phone, you gotta be prepared. You are, you are. It's, you know, if. And ladies, if you're listening, you can send a link to your man.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Do yourself and him a favor. Make everybody happy. Bluechew makes everybody happy. It takes less than 15 minutes. So like, you know, if something becomes spontaneous, you're not losing the spontaneity because it's happening so quickly and you got a deal.

[Mike Gibbons]

There's like no reason to say no.

[Greg]

Yes. All right, so listen, make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew Gold with code papers. That's promo code papers. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast.

[Mike Gibbons]

All caps papers to get your savings and.

[Greg]

All right, let's go to the front page. You got a little something to crinkle?

[Mike Gibbons]

I sure do. I got a knee brace. Here we go.

[Greg]

All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, there it is. The storm.

[Greg]

A huge swath of the US you really don't ever hear swath except for when you're talking about a big part.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm going to look up swath. Is it from. I want to swatch his fabric. But what swath?

[Greg]

Swath of the US Is bracing for a life threatening winter storm that will bring free rigid temperatures, dump significant amounts of freezing rain, ice, snow, sleet, making travel conditions treacherous and stressing power systems. Yeah, remember Texas last time shut it down and they're right in the path. Tens of millions of people are under a winter storm and extreme cold. Watch as far west as eastern New Mexico, going through Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Ohio, and then into New England.

[Mike Gibbons]

Get this. I just looked up swath. Want to hear the definition?

[Greg]

Small world.

[Mike Gibbons]

A swath is a long, broad stripper area of something. Originally the path cut by a scythe.

[Greg]

Get out of here.

[Mike Gibbons]

Swear to God. There it is. I highlighted the word.

[Greg]

So you use a scythe to cut.

[Mike Gibbons]

A swath through grass or grain. Yeah. Now used for large areas, like vintage. Vast swaths of countryside or groups, like a swath of the population. All right, you learned something.

[Greg]

So blinding snow squalls in parts of New England farther south. Crippling ice and sleet are the biggest risk. That's. See, this is why I like a weather report. It's just one thing everybody can agree on. It's nonpartisan. It's fact. Ice is a danger to most of the country right now. We can all agree on that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I wish I was watching an election night map. I wish it was more like this weather app where all the red states are turning blue. They put the blue over all the southern states that are going to get this ice storm. They all flipped. All of them flipped.

[Greg]

If this was happening on election night, the Democrats would run away with the election. These motherfuckers wouldn't be able to get out of the House.

[Mike Gibbons]

They would not be able to get out of the house. It's bad. No, listen. Every city down there in this whole. It's Tennessee, it's Kentucky, it's northern Alabama. Anyway. Texas, all the supermarkets are empty. It's crazy. Oh, no. Everyone, listen. I've had experience down in Tennessee with it and schools closed for like a week. They don't have the salt, they don't have the trucks, they don't have anything to deal with this. But more than anything, if they get 2 inches of ice and it's going to be 1 to 3 if they get to it, they're like, that is power out for a long time and a lot of times that means heats out. I don't know what they'll do.

[Greg]

I know this could be bad. Isn't it funny though, on election night, when you look at the map up on the, on the news like it is, if you look at red and blue indistinguishable from the Civil War map of the Confederates and the Union, it's the, the same states in 250 years, nothing has changed at all.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh no, the Confederates wish they had as many strongholds in the north as they do now.

[Greg]

Yeah, yeah, that's probably Ohio.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean Michigan is, is on the fence. What do we got here?

[Greg]

Social media is buzzing. You're gonna love this story, Mike.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg]

With rumors that Immigration and Customs Enforcement plan plans to ramp up operations in Philadelphia.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here we go. Showtime.

[Greg]

Many users are responding with a defiant good luck. Posts have spread saying that it's gonna become the next democratically led city targeted for immigration crackdown. But many locals were quick to remind outsiders that the City of Brotherly Love doesn't always live up to its nickname.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, it doesn't. It actually doesn't.

[Greg]

With some joking that the Philadelphians are known to riot even when their sports teams win. Now, how will ICE tell if someone is Mexican or Italian? Oh, I know. Maybe the cross, the horn necklace, the hair gel, the tank top in January or that he's yelling at a black guy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, that'll weed it out for sure.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Listen, if I'm head of ICE and we're going into Philadelphia, let me tell you how we're doing it. We're going to train and we're going to train at a zoo. That's the only way to get these guys ready to go in there because these Philly animals are going to be sliding down the lamppost and coming at you. They're the scariest animal of all because they have nothing to lose.

[Greg]

Nothing to lose.

[Mike Gibbons]

They've got nothing to lose. The Philly animals.

[Greg]

Yeah. I mean, if you can get into Philly and just get out, that's a victory. But you're not getting out with anybody. They're not.

[Mike Gibbons]

I can't wait to see it. They're not going to. And they know about their reputation. They're self aware somehow and still not killing themselves. No. They're self aware and they are going to hold up their reputation and fight back is my hope.

[Greg]

And did you see the mayor of Philadelphia? Was she the sheriff or the mayor?

[Mike Gibbons]

I think she's the mayor.

[Greg]

Black woman and she, oh, maybe sheriff threw down. She was like, not here. Not happening here. So I think the administration took that as okay, it's on. So it's going to be. It's going to be heated, but that's what they want. ICE wants you to fight back. If you are peacefully demonstrating. Keep it that way.

[Mike Gibbons]

The White House. The White House wants this to be the lead story. Let's face it.

[Greg]

They want people fighting back. They want ICE agents getting attacked and then they can really unleash, so stay cool, people.

[Mike Gibbons]

They don't even need that. They just need headlines. So even if it's that ICE unfairly hurts or kills people, that's going to be headlines. Washington likes that.

[Greg]

They do.

[Mike Gibbons]

They don't want any chatter about the Epstein files. They'd rather it be about Greenland claims. They'd rather it be about anything else.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, here we go. San Francisco coyote swims to Alcatraz for the first time ever. Ever. A coyote recently stunned observers by swimming to Alcatraz, braving the treacherous waters surrounding notorious former prison island off the coast of San Francisco. In plain view of a tourist recording video, the coyote is thought to be the first ever to reach Alcatraz. It's uncertain why the animal doggy paddled there. Well, I think we know why a doggy paddle there.

[Greg]

He couldn't do the backstroke.

[Mike Gibbons]

The consensus is that the creature probably came from San Francisco, about 1.25 miles away. Wow. It wasn't immediately clear what happened to the coyote after it was recorded getting downcatraz. Nonetheless, experts said that the coyote had resources on the island and with which to survive, including banana slugs, mice, rats, birds, and puddles of rainwater and shanks. It'll find some shanks. I'm sure. Some drugs are probably buried out there.

[Greg]

I imagine they're wondering why he did it. He was trying to get away from all the homeless coyotes in San Francisco.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm shocked. It swam through the San Francisco Bay without at least 49ers fans falling on it while they were jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge after that loss. Yeah.

[Greg]

Yeah. Maybe the roadrunner tricked him into thinking he was in the prison.

[Mike Gibbons]

Sad little detail in the story is even this coyote had hidden a Mexican family with them. So now they're on Alcatraz.

[Greg]

That'll be the Next ice. Detention center. Yeah. I mean, usually when a coyote goes to prison, it's because they find a kilo of coke up his ass at the border.

[Mike Gibbons]

Like they have to break it to the coyote. The Birdman of Alcatraz doesn't live there anymore. It's just going to be handouts. He was going to have unending meals. Oh, right, yeah, the Birdman. The famous Birdman of Alcatraz.

[Greg]

Dude, did you ever see that movie? That was insane.

[Mike Gibbons]

I did. Who played it? The guy. Lancaster.

[Greg]

Right, well, that was the original. And remade it with that. That guy who went kind of crazy. The blonde. He went on Letterman and went and acted really nuts.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wait, how long ago? You're not talking about the guy from Back to the Future?

[Greg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah. Of course we won't get name, but yeah, yeah, I'll get it right now. So anyway, yeah, that's a crazy story. I saw. I saw the footage of it. The poor thing got back to land and when it. When it came up on land on the island, it was so. It couldn't walk, which is understated. Its legs were so cold and it was exhausted from the swim. It looked like you could have gone over and picked it up.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, cast we got. And I got it. You start reading this next story. Crispin Glover.

[Greg]

Yeah, Crispin Glover, that's who it was. Nathan's Famous, which opened as a 5 cent hot dog stand in Coney island more than a century ago, has been sold to packaged meat giant Smithfield Foods. Isn't it great when a cute little original spot gets bought up by some fucking multinational congress conglomerate? They paid $450 million. All right, I get it. They produce all of Nathan's products in the US and the SAM's Clubs. Like almost every food company, Nathan's has been under significant inflationary pressure. There was a 20% increase in the average cost per pound of hot dogs. So I guess. 20% increase. So I guess to make a pound of Nathan's hot dogs, it cost 11 cents instead of 9 cents.

[Mike Gibbons]

Is that what it breaks down?

[Greg]

Yeah. I mean, that doesn't seem like they couldn't absorb that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, the deal would have been worth more, but in the paperwork it says the property has to host Joey Chestnut one day a year. That's like quite a lean on the property.

[Greg]

Yeah, yeah. Joey Chestnut will take a bite out of your profits for sure.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. There's no way to get that out? No.

[Greg]

Can you imagine the shits Joey Chestnut takes for four days after that? That should be the story Chronicle that.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's your documentary right there.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Supersizing his. Yeah. All right, Joey.

[Greg]

Chest butt.

[Mike Gibbons]

Nice work.

[Greg]

A worker at a California library opened a package and was surprised to find a book that had been due back nearly 46 years earlier. Cassie Coldwin, branch manager at the San Diego library, said she opened the package and the book was the Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right.

[Greg]

Appropriate. I got to open it and enjoy the old book smell, which was quite powerful in this particular item. They sent it back to the right branch even though we're at a new address. So they clearly did some research to get it back to us. The package was sent anonymously with an unsigned note reading sorry this is so late, with a hand drawn smiley face. The library's records revealed the book was due back May 20, 1980. So.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg]

Maybe Gubbins will be returning chaos in 12 years when he finishes reading it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Meanwhile, they open the book and then all the letters that were cut out from the Zodiac killer in California, this was his book and he's still out there. Should I return the pages that I ripped out of Mademoiselle magazine that featured self breast exams?

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Back when I was in middle school.

[Greg]

Yes. And you won't have to lick the envelope. I think it'll seal itself.

[Mike Gibbons]

I just have to. All I do is fold them over, fold those pages over, put a stamp on it.

[Greg]

Maybe I'll grab my National Geographic. Tanzania, June of 1979.

[Mike Gibbons]

I remember speaking of ripping things out of library books, I remember in high school this kid saw like a cool like surfing photo or skateboarding photo, whatever it was in a magazine. So he tore them out and he was going to put. And he's going to put them up in his room when he got back to his dorm room and the librarian saw him, so she checked his bag on the way anyway, caught him and they gave him two, they were called steps in our school and four steps and you're kicked out. So they gave him instead of one. One step was bad, you did something bad, you got like a step. They gave him two because it was stealing and it was vandalism. And it turned out his dad, I'm forgetting his name, but his dad was a high powered lawyer in New York City because this was a boarding school in the Berkshires. And I remember being with him, his name was David. And he just got off the phone and this is when I was like, oh man, lawyers think different. And he had a conversation with his dad and he told him, and so his dad didn't say Anything. He, like, thought for one second, he goes, well, next time, son, take the whole magazine.

[Greg]

It's like Apocalypse now, the horror. Remember, they just chop off the arms after they get vaccinated.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, but, like. Yeah, just get one step. Like, what a. What a dumb rule. You would have only gotten one step if you stole the whole magazine. It was so fun. I was like. It was such a. My. You know. Yeah. I'm all of 17 or 16. My head exploded. It was incredible.

[Greg]

All right, let's get to an ethical question.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, let's do a. Wait, hold on.

[Greg]

Here we go. Okay. All right, Mike, this one is. This one you're gonna have to think hard part about.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right.

[Greg]

How many people you don't know and have never met would you choose to die to keep your family alive?

[Mike Gibbons]

All of them. Right? I mean, what's the. There's no right answer there. Except that.

[Greg]

Yeah, he's such a caring, loving person.

[Mike Gibbons]

All of them. I'm not gonna. There's no number. It's like, all right, there. That guy. That one person. Because it comes down to one person being added.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

You start with zero. So the first one, that's easy for everyone. Well, you're just adding one each time.

[Greg]

Yep. Well, I don't think you could do it one at a time if you're killing the whole world.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I mean, in theory, you have a number that's ticking up, and it. Basically, you're asking me, what's my number?

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. You get there one body at a time.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'd like to know what nationalities we're starting with, because I have them ranked. I have them ranked.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Some are worth more than others. Let's be real.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

So also, male or female height. Men are way more disposable whether they.

[Greg]

Have a podcast or not. Those. They go first. They go first.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Well, not all of them, because I only have daughters, so I don't know how I do it. There has to be. Has to be some dudes left.

[Greg]

Yeah. Oh, that's true.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Maybe you want real beta males that are not going to challenge you or dominate your daughters in any way. Just real fucking kind of wimpy dudes that make a lot of money, like Tech Tech Bros. Well, maybe I kill them all.

[Mike Gibbons]

I could harvest the semen. Let me think more about it.

[Greg]

I think I know where you can harvest it. Those magazine clippings that you made in high school.

[Mike Gibbons]

The preserve forever. It's like the. Like the crystal. Like, whatever it is from Jurassic Park.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

There's probably insects from the 70s in there, right?

[Greg]

All right, we're gonna tease entertainment.

[Mike Gibbons]

We're gonna talk about the Oscar nominations which came out today. We're going to talk about him next week. Yeah, Joel Edgerton, or whatever his name is. Train Dreams, man. He did not get nominated, but Train Dreams did. That's so far my favorite movie of the year.

[Greg]

I think I will. We're giving you guys a week so that you can actually see some of these movies since we. I've seen very few of them. Hold on. It's my wife. Let's put her on.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, boy.

[Greg]

She hung up. She must have known.

[Mike Gibbons]

She's probably too tired to hold up the phone with you the way you read that bluechew ad. All right, here we go. We're going to make America, Florida.

[Greg]

All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. On Tuesday, the Marion County Sheriff's Office received an anonymous tip alleging that a 34 year old woman, identified as Alexis, had engaged in unlawful sexual activity with her husband's biological son, who was. Who is referred to as the victim in the arrest report and she will be referred to as the stepmom. The alleged sexual encounter with Yates occurred at around 1am I'm listening.

[Greg]

Wait a minute. I was up at 1am I think I saw this live on my laptop.

[Mike Gibbons]

The alleged. It happened at 1am several hours after the. Oh, other children in the household had gone to bed. The victim started stated that he was watching a horror movie with Yates, the stepmom, when they both became bored and she allegedly began talking about being horny. Yates had been making say the stepmom had been making sexual jokes around the victim for approximately a week leading up to the incident, including numerous alleged comments about being sexually aroused. At the time of the incident. The stepson stated that he was infected, infatuated with her, and he asked her if she wanted to cuddle on the couch. The victim. Victim's a weird word here. The victim. The victim described beneficiary. The victim described how the interaction soon escalated into kissing. And then the stepmom allegedly told him that she wished he was 18 years old.

[Greg]

Oh, wait. Record scratch. Wait, did we not establish yet in this story how old he is? Is.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I don't think we did. The victim then described the alleged sexual encounter with her in graphic detail, which came to an end when the biological father, the husband, entered the home. The victim proceeded to run into another room and his father confronted the stepmother while she was naked on the couch.

[Greg]

Jeez. This is the most detailed report I've ever heard the day after the incident. Got a little too into his job.

[Mike Gibbons]

On this, and I've cut this down. The day after the incident, the victim stated that he called. Sorry. The day after the incident, the victim stated that he called her. During that phone conversation, she allegedly spoke highly about their alleged sexual encounter and mentioned that she wished his father had not caught them. Yates was transported to Marion County Jail, where she was released the following day. She's out and about after posting bond. She is being charged. Okay. She's being charged with lewd and lascivious behavior on a victim between the ages of 12 and 16. So why isn't the grape word used.

[Greg]

True? It was a 10. She got out on a $10,000 bond. She probably raised that in about a half an hour on her only fans account. Talking about this incident.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, it's an only fan account, and it's limited to family only.

[Greg]

Only fan.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's just stepsons.

[Greg]

Well, 12 to 16. I mean, look, 16.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think that. I'm hoping that includes 16.

[Greg]

Yeah, 12 between 12. Yeah. I mean, 16 is way different than 12. We'll say that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. I know that we should say more.

[Greg]

But I don't know why.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's stepmom.

[Greg]

Was there ever any sexual tension with you and your stepmom?

[Mike Gibbons]

No. I had the very other natural, very popular reaction. Which is resentment.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

A stepmother has very little chance to win over, especially young kids right away.

[Greg]

Well, that's why this woman's pulling this stunt. That's all she wanted. She just wanted him to hold her, give her a hug, but she took her clothes off.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. I don't know, man. That is. Florida's getting it on.

[Greg]

Oh, my God, That.

[Mike Gibbons]

There are pictures of her. She's. She's kind of attractive.

[Greg]

No.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, she's tatted up. She has a lot of tats in the torso, but you see her torso because she's in a bikini.

[Greg]

Alexis Von Yates. I mean, that sounds like a porn name. Alexis Von Yates.

[Mike Gibbons]

AV has adult video initials right in it.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, well, let's make America Philadelphia again. You can look up Ms. Von Yates on your own. Here we go. Philly baby, Pennsylvania man charged with vandalizing Humpty Dumpty statue at the Jersey Shore Mini Golf Course. Good luck, ice. These people can't even walk home from the bar without absolutely attacking a Humpty Dumpty statue. Animals. The incident happened at the. I bet Tom o'. Neill. We should call him and ask him. I bet he knows this Humpty Dumpty because he goes to this beach the incident happened at the Ocean Putt miniature golf course in Cape May just after 4am the suspect and unidentified man were walking along Jackson street when surveillance video captured the suspect climb a fence and unlawfully enter the property, police said. Investigators claim video showed him remove the Humpty Dumpty statue from its foundation and discard it down the street. They said the estimated cost to fix the prop was about 1000 bucks and 2000 to replace it. That sounds weird. That sounds low, at least. Come on, man. How are you going to fix a Humpty Dumpty for a thousand bucks? People can't get window shades replaced. And for that little.

[Greg]

No. And I can tell you right now, all the king's horses and all the king's men are not going to be able to put Humpty back together again.

[Mike Gibbons]

You're painting. Then you tell me how much it cost a room.

[Greg]

Yeah, it cost me $600 to do my bathroom today. Here's my house today. Let me picture. Let me describe my house today. So the painter comes, and he's this guy, and he's done some painting for us before. Amazing guy, Hernando. And he's in the. He's in the bathroom. And then the housekeeper comes. She comes in every other week, and she's cleaning the house. And then the landscaper comes, who is, you know, trimming the. Trimming the shrubs, blowing the leaves. And I'm just.

[Mike Gibbons]

Is this entrapment? Entrapment for ice?

[Greg]

Just thinking if I showed up, it would be so bad.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, my God.

[Greg]

Hold the ice. That's what I kept saying all day. Hold the ice.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. All right. What are we going down to?

[Greg]

Let's get down to this day. It's in health.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, all right. Science and health. Here we go. Here we go. Science analysis. Okay.

[Greg]

There is a bizarre new trend called vabbing. A woman named Casey claims she's addicted to doing it as she appears on TLC's My Strange Addiction Show. Yet while she might not be able to get enough of it, doctors have warned about the serious health consequences of the vaginal dabbing trend. It's an amalgamation of the words vaginal and dabbing. Essentially, it's the act of taking vaginal discharge and dabbing it on certain areas of the body where you might normally put a fragrance, such as the neck, wrists, and behind the ears. The thought is that it will attract a partner thanks to the idea of vaginal fluid supposedly containing pheromones.

[Mike Gibbons]

This is the science section. The word supposedly is in this, right? Does it or does it not yeah, yeah.

[Greg]

Well, I mean it to me. Don't you usually put the perfume on your vagina?

[Mike Gibbons]

Not mine. No, I don't think that's what happens. You can't know. You can't. You can't even wash it with soap. What are you talking about? You throw off the balance. The very delicate balance.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

If you put too much on though, you just put some pads behind your ears.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

And on your neck. And you. Then you have two maxi pads on each wrist.

[Greg]

Yeah, I think if I smelt that on, I. Oh my God. I had this. I don't even know I should tell this story, but I was dating this woman in college and you know, it was kind of an on again, off again relationship. We were always breaking up and getting back together. You know her. And so I went to a party. It was a happy hour party. You remember they used to have that singing comedian at who's on first on Fridays at like 5 o'. Clock.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't remember that. I'm glad I have no memory of that.

[Greg]

This guy would get up, it was a real dive bar. You remember who's on first?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

He'd get up there with a guitar and he'd sing Lean her up against the wall and have a gang bang. And it was all these different, like sexual. And everybody knew all the words and they sang. And you know, all of a sudden it's like 6:30 and you're shit faced. And I meet this girl and it was one of those weird things where I just walked up to her and we were both drinking and I just started making out with her. So we go back to her place.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I was such a sexy song. It puts you in the mood.

[Greg]

Hey there. I forgot you.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

And so we make sweet love and. And including me performing oral sex upon her. It was a performance.

[Mike Gibbons]

These are details.

[Greg]

Okay, well you need to know this because it has to do with vabbing. So now I go to my then on again off again girlfriend was having a party that night and I showed up late and she's like, why are you so late? And I was like, oh, I got caught up with some friends from the blah blah. And then she gave me a hug and then she pulled her head back and she goes, you smell like vagina.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg]

I was so busted.

[Mike Gibbons]

And what did you do?

[Greg]

I just talked. Just tried to talk without saying anything, you know?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I just. Ever believe you or no, you were busted.

[Greg]

No, that was when I say on again, off again that. That would have preceded an off again, right?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Period. Of our relationship.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think it's in her book. Sarah Silverman has a story about our friend Dave, who is her manager, and how dedicated he was. She was, like, called him, and she was maybe trying to get an open mic out here or some. Some big moment, and he's like, you got to get down here right now. Like, they're not letting me. Whatever. And he, like, runs down, and then, like, you know, they hug. And he's like, she did the same thing. She's like, whoa. She's like. And she's like, were you just the eating and. And he's like, yeah, but you said you needed me down here. He, like, jumped out of bed to go help her.

[Greg]

Oh, my God. That's so funny. Yeah, he is. He was my manager for many years, and he's one of my dearest friends. He's as is yours. He's just the best guy.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's amazing. All right, let's get to. I think we're gonna do this day in history.

[Greg]

This day in history.

[Mike Gibbons]

This will also count as our obituary, man. Because I scanned through it, and it is full of death.

[Greg]

Yeah. So what happens in history? People die.

[Mike Gibbons]

Sure thing. And maybe I make that the theme of this one. Hank Aaron, one of the game's greatest hitters. History. He died at the age of 86 on this day. In what year do you think Hank Aaron died? You have a big clue there. He was 86 years old.

[Greg]

All right, he was 86. He broke the color barrier probably in the 50s, so he would have been born in the 30s. So if he was 86, that would add up to. What's 86.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, what? I. I'm going to give or take you. I'm going to give or take you. 10 years. I'm going to be very generous.

[Greg]

So what year are we saying?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, that's what we're saying.

[Greg]

I'm going to say 1976.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's what. Do the math again.

[Greg]

I didn't do the math.

[Mike Gibbons]

I. Yeah, no, you're so close. He died in 2021.

[Greg]

Really?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Not even in the century that you guessed.

[Greg]

Well, that would have made sense. No, but I guess he was born in the 30s, and he was 86, so that's exactly right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, you should have followed through. Check all work, as they say. Check all work. Hey, what year did Conan o' Brien's career at the Tonight show die? Speaking of deaths, he was on the Tonight show as the host, and then he was yanked, Give or take three years. One. Do you. That's very generous. When do you think Conan's last Tonight show was?

[Greg]

I'm going to say2012.

[Mike Gibbons]

I gave you three years. 2010.

[Greg]

Nice.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, here's one that's not going to do that one. It was Ted Kaczynski, but we're not going to do it. Okay? So we're going to go down here and we are going to find some more deaths. Larry King.

[Greg]

Larry King.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, Larry King. He died at the age of 87. What year? Give or take three years.

[Greg]

Well, my friend was his producer and loved him. Said he was the greatest men she guy she ever met.

[Mike Gibbons]

Who's the producer?

[Greg]

You don't know her.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, okay.

[Greg]

I'm gonna say he wasn't that long ago, probably 12 years ago. So I'm gonna say 2013.

[Mike Gibbons]

2021. I don't think you've gotten one right yet.

[Greg]

What? No, I got Conan o', Brien, right?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah, that wasn't a death, but okay. Jack Lalanne, man, he lived till 96 years old. Jack Lalanne, the fitness guru. What year did he die, give or take 10 years?

[Greg]

1985, 2011.

[Mike Gibbons]

We're moving on to Johnny Carson.

[Greg]

What?

[Mike Gibbons]

Johnny Carson? Johnny Carson died at 79 years old. Johnny Carson. You know him so well. It was your dream to be a guest of his. That's right, a dream deferred. So 70. Well, the positively call it deferred. He died at 79 years old, give or take seven years. When did Johnny Carson pass?

[Greg]

2000.

[Mike Gibbons]

You're googling it.

[Greg]

2014.

[Mike Gibbons]

You're not googling it. 2005. Missed it, man. All right, we're going to get off of death for a second. I'm going to give you a layup. A layup? But I'm giving you a. It's going to be a layup. I was going to give you one or two years. I'm going to give you a three year window.

[Greg]

Okay?

[Mike Gibbons]

The TV series miniseries Roots premiered on this date in what year, give or take three years?

[Greg]

1977.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's 1977.

[Greg]

I, we watched it as a class when I was in seventh grade. That's why I knew exactly what year it was.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, so you don't know about poor, poor people passing, but boy, do you remember enslavement. You and your, your white classmates just soaking it all.

[Greg]

Oh, that was what was crazy about it is I went to school with a lot of black kids and we watched Roots and we had a lot of deep discussions about it and there was some joking. There was a Lot of good joking. Like. Like, we teased each other about it. When I say each other, the white kids teased the black kids, and. And they teased us about being slave owners. Like we were at that age. Like the same kids that I was joking about that stuff with when I was, you know, 12, 13 years old. Things changed. It was like there was, like, a coming of age that happened right after that where we would not have been joking about it. We would not have had, like, I mean, you deal with. You use comedy to deal with, you know, what's uncomfortable and what's painful. And we did. And I just don't know if it would have happened a couple years later.

[Mike Gibbons]

Lovely memory. Lovely memory. I wonder how much of it's true. All right, letters to the editor. Letters to the editor. All right, let's go down to Dear Greg and Mike. I like smart list, but here's the thing. When you said something about their notoriety and then immediately had dead air while Mike tried to find some jokes about the Golden Globes, I laughed right out loud. Sunday papers feels way more authentic to me. That's why I only listen to smart lists occasionally. I thought she was gonna say us. And I listen to Sunday papers every week. Every week when I listen to you, I feel like I'm in on a conversation between two real friends, not just people who come together for a podcast. Love you guys. Trisha. Wow, Trisha, how wonderful.

[Greg]

Such a nice note. And look, I don't doubt that those three guys are close friends. I just doubt that when you become as famous as that, you really have close friends that doesn't involve commerce and agents and publicists. And, you know, like our podcast, there's no. We don't have any agents taking a piece of this. We barely have any ads. Like, we do it for the love of the sport. And these. And these guys, like, this is just another thing William Morris is telling them to do because it'll make a lot of money. And it did. They got, like, $100 million or something.

[Mike Gibbons]

Podcasts have to pay. Had to pay $50,000 to be considered for a nomination on the Golden Globes.

[Greg]

They had to pay to be. So we couldn't have been nominated without paying them.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right? To you to submit, even you have to pay 50 grand.

[Greg]

Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

How about that map?

[Greg]

Smartless is sold for how much money? It was sold for $100 million.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here's another letter to the editor. Mike, you're a Jo. Love Philly. I don't believe it. Because it has the word love in it. I don't Think they're capable of that down there?

[Greg]

Yeah, they kid the ones they love, Mike.

[Mike Gibbons]

I know, I know. Well, they took the time to write it in. I'm surprised they. They can read and write. Here we go.

[Greg]

This week. We already did it.

[Mike Gibbons]

No funnies. Let's do it.

[Greg]

All right. Funnies. All right. As you know, we do the comedy caption contest every week. We give you one frame of a comic. You write your punchlines, you send them in to Fitzdog radio gmail dot com. You put your name directly underneath your channel joke. The top choice gets himself or herself a koozie mailed almost instantly by Mike Gibbons.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, man.

[Greg]

And we do pick some finalists this week. There were only a few finalists because, to be perfectly honest, this was a tough comic caption. It was a guy with a zoo cap. He works at the zoo, and he is behind a building, and he has a snake. The first is a coiled up hose and the foreground. And then he's got a snake by the. By the neck. And then the tail of the snake, he's got it shoved in the spigot of an outdoor.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's holding it like a hose, right?

[Greg]

Yeah, he's holding it like a hose, basically. So here's the jokes. Matt said, find my car keys and we'll drive out of here. You remember that joke? It was like a joke about a woman with a giant vagina.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg]

Yeah. Two guys go in, and they've got on, like, mining hats with lights and there's an echo and because I dropped my car. Can you help me find my. Can you help me find my.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wait, is that. Wait, remember we challenged listeners to just come up with a caption for the next one, like, just randomly. Remember? We did that? Okay, maybe that's what that is, because that doesn't make any sense, right?

[Greg]

No, it doesn't make any sense. I only put it in because I love that punchline.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, so we have to save that one.

[Greg]

All right, Go on, save that. Sean from Ontario said, goddamn fucking shaky hoes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. Yeah, it's very literal.

[Greg]

John W. Said no, make it. Don't thread on me. Don't. Ah, he fucking wrote it wrong. Says, no, make it. Don't tread on me.

[Mike Gibbons]

No threat. He's trying to. He's trying to attach the hose.

[Greg]

Oh, no, make it. Don't thread me on. Don't thread me on. Oh, I guess as opposed to don't tread on me. All right, I see. I see the attempt.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Anthony said, ereptile dysfunction can cap. Can happen anywhere.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg]

And Kenny Engel said reduced funding for city services forces zoo workers to re examine enema procedures.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I don't think anyone gets a koozie this week, but one's going out to that other dude.

[Greg]

Yes, that's the important thing. Somebody is getting a koozie. This is next week's. There are three people sitting down for dinner. Two of them have entrees in front of them. They are businessmen. They're in suit. I don't know if they're businessmen, but they're wearing suit and coat, tie, and they're talking to each other. While a third person that looks like an overgrown boy is picking his nose. And he has an ice cream sundae in front of him.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

So the two men are talking. Boy picks his nose. He's kind of clownish looking. He has freckles and his hair is all fucked up.

[Mike Gibbons]

Interesting.

[Greg]

Good luck with that one. I mean, you thought last week's was hard.

[Mike Gibbons]

It looks like the guy in the middle is talking. Okay.

[Greg]

Yeah. All right. Good luck with that. Let's get to the real ones. We got Hagger, the horrible Hagger and Lucky. They've got a treasure chest. And they're running out of the castle. And behind them, the damsel or the. Whoever the queen is or somebody, she's leaning out of the castle door and she goes, come back. They come back and she goes, please take the duke's nasty cigars. And she dumps the cigars into his bag. Now, I don't know a lot about medieval Times, but it seems to me if the marauders are leaving and your dress is still on, you don't yell, come back.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right? It seems weird.

[Greg]

For any reason, no matter how bad those cigar. I mean, they'd have to be pretty stanky cigars.

[Mike Gibbons]

You don't need to bribe them anymore either, right? Yeah.

[Greg]

The Lockhorns we got. Leroy is slumped at the desk and he goes, if money talks, it's giving us the silent treatment.

[Mike Gibbons]

I like that.

[Greg]

And then he's sitting at the IRS office and the guy says to Leroy, sorry, Mr. Lockhorn, but you can't deduct takeout meals as disaster relief.

[Mike Gibbons]

Funny.

[Greg]

And then we've got Loretta and Leroy in the car. She says, are we going to a place where we pay before or after we eat?

[Mike Gibbons]

That's a funny way of looking at food.

[Greg]

It's a very funny way of looking at food.

[Mike Gibbons]

Sorry. Let me see. Let me see the onion that I grabbed this week. Onion is a picture of. Of the delivery room. The legs are spread and you see ICE agents there? And it says, ICE agents wait at edge of delivery table to deport newborn. That's how it's going, people. That's how it's going.

[Greg]

Oh, my God. These kids are getting pulled out of schools. Kid was pulled out of a school and sent to Texas. He lives in a criminal.

[Mike Gibbons]

Criminals. They're getting them off the street. They're making murder America's safe again.

[Greg]

All right, let's get down to Blondie. Oh, boy. Dagwood's on the couch laying with his back to her. I mean, what level of depression? He's got some kind of genetic predisposition to depression. She walks over and goes, honey, look what I found. My honey do list from whenever we first moved into the house. He goes, oh. And then she goes, wow, after all these years, you still haven't completed most of what's on this list. You must have forgotten all about it. Now she leaves, he's on his back again, going, actually, I thought I hit it better than that. All right, Dagwood, here's your to do list. Okay, Exercise. Take some products from Bluechew.

[Mike Gibbons]

Uh huh.

[Greg]

Hoist up that black silk skirt that she's wearing. Bend her over that couch that you're laying on. Spread those bowling pin calves to the side and. And go to town.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg]

That goddess. Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Pretend it's your stepmom.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's a to do list. I mean, three times a week.

[Greg]

Her just Blondie. That's my to do. I was married to her. My to do list would just say Blondie. Like, like all fun and no play makes Jack a dull boy. That's what. Over and over again.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I like it.

[Greg]

Uh, you know what I like? I like Bluechew. And you're gonna get a big discount when you go to bluechew.com. the BlueChew Gold is available. 10% off your first month with promo code papers. Also want to remind you guys, I'll be coming out to the Joe Rogan's Club in Austin this weekend. Come out and say hi.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah. Very cool. Hopefully they'll have power.

[Greg]

Yeah, I know. Anything you want to promote, Mike?

[Mike Gibbons]

Man, I don't know. I. Not Hamnet. And then I'm watching. It was just an accident. I didn't like that. I mean, it's good, but way too long. I wish I had something I could recommend.

[Greg]

I'll tell you what's good. Tehran, T E H R A N.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, you told me about that series. That's cool.

[Greg]

Really good quality series. Check it out. All right, that'll do it. Thank you so much to Gotham Podcast Studios for producing the show.

[Mike Gibbons]

Lovely.

[Greg]

And we want to thank all of you guys for listening and supporting the show. And we will see you next week.

[Mike Gibbons]

Take it Eash.

[Greg]

Take it Eash.

[Mike Gibbons]

Somebody to tell me what's happening. I need the front page. Some funny, some current event capers. I need two guys that call themselves the Sunday papers. It.