Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 300 2/8/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Episode 300 (2/8/26) Summary

Podcast: Sunday Papers
Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons, Mike Gibbons
Date: February 8, 2026
Episode Theme:
A milestone 300th episode, where Greg and Mike deliver their signature irreverent, fast-paced rundown of the week’s news straight from the “Sunday Papers” – riffing on everything from the Super Bowl, pop culture happenings, and bizarre news items, to the state of media, personal stories, and their favorite comics. The humor is sharp and self-deprecating, joined by playful banter and the occasional deep-dive into sports, politics, and ethical quandaries.

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Episode Structure

• Technical Upgrades & Studio Banter
• Super Bowl & Sports Chatter
• Podcast Shoutouts & Comedy World News
• Listener Feedback & Show Corrections
• News Roundup—Layoffs, Scandals & Wild Stories
• Entertainment & Culture
• Florida Man Segment
• This Day in History
• Cartoon Caption Contest & The Funnies

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Studio Upgrades, Banter, and Book Talk

• The duo jokes about their new production (“Gotham Podcasts”), improved video quality, and competing recording software.

• Playful exchange about reading habits:

  • Mike claims to read more, admits to favoring audiobooks.
  • Greg ribbing Mike for multitasking while “reading”:
    • Greg: “No, does not count. Because I know with your ADHD, you’re incapable of sitting down and concentrating…” [02:27]
    • Mike’s defense? He rewinds a lot and is “most dedicated” listening in the car.

• Sleep hygiene talk: Greg’s cure for insomnia is listening to “the driest, most boring biography… Gerald Ford.” [03:12]

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Super Bowl Plans, Gambling, and Watch Parties

Timestamp: 04:03–13:00

• Mike shares plans to watch the Super Bowl with his dad in Florida, reminiscing about odd country club parties with “the whitest crowd ever.” Best moment:
  • “The woman, old woman next to me… horrified… she leans over, she’s like, ‘And they want to defund the police.’ That was the highlight…” —Mike [05:23]
• Mike’s dad throws a surprise rooftop party, turning a hoped-for easy day into party planning chaos.
• Greg is a genuine Sunday football fanatic, preferring to watch games recorded, skipping commercials/halftime, and hates spoilers from friends.
• Playful confusion as they (badly) try to explain betting odds—Mike attempts to check a $2 million Super Bowl bet payout for “Mattress Mack”.
  • “People’s heads are exploding listening to you say this.” —Mike [08:39]
• Sports trivia: This Super Bowl features the youngest QB ever if Drake May wins, and both teams have coaches in their first or second season.
• Side bet: Greg and Mike wager $10 on the game, recalling Mike still owes Greg paddle tennis money.

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Comedy World Shoutouts

Timestamps: 12:22–19:52

• Shout-outs to Bert Kreischer for podcast love on Joe Rogan:
  • Bert Kreischer: “When people say I listen to Sunday Papers… I go, you’re real comedy fans. Those are the two funniest human beings alive ever.” [12:58]
• Mike jokes Rogan likely has no idea who he is.
• Greg talks about being a guest on the Joe Rogan Experience, fans pushing him to “push back” on Rogan’s politics. Greg explains he usually avoids political friction unless it comes up organically.
• Reader praise for Greg’s Rogan appearance; no backlash from Rogan’s fanbase — “It was big picture, they view you as one of the best guests he has.” —Mike [16:23]
• Bert also gave Mike and Greg props on Spade and Carvey’s "Fly on the Wall" (hilarious Frankenstein bit).

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Listener Stories & Life Updates

Timestamps: 18:14–22:19

• Greg describes a sunset beach hangout in LA — “Me and Aaron and Tom and then Tom’s nephew… water packed with people, tons of surfers, and then Mao’s Kitchen for dinner.” [18:25]
• Jim Norton gets high praise for his latest comedy special, both for its tight writing and personal evolution as a comic.
  • “Jim Norton was born with a point of view… he just started leaning into that and never looked back.” —Greg [19:52]

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Listener Mail, Corrections, and Ongoing Bits

Timestamps: 25:01–27:01

• Running joke: A listener “didn’t get the promised koozie” and thus won’t donate $500 to a cause, sparking a (mock) feud over who is responsible for lost mail.
• Corrections corner: Listener Lee rants about a movie ("Train Dreams") being “ungrounded, unreal, self-indulgent” — hosts riff on whether its supposed morals are truly offensive.

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Major News Stories

1. Washington Post Layoffs & Media Decline

[34:13–36:42]

• The Post is laying off a third of staff, scaling back news and books.
  • “Basically taking a liberal media outlet and getting rid of it.” —Greg [35:18]
  • Both mock that Amazon (which owns WaPo) cut the “books department”.

2. Bizarre Suicide at Olive Garden

[36:48–39:21]

• News story: An Olive Garden cook died after thrusting his head into a deep fryer in an apparent suicide.
• Greg jokes the cook was likely a true Italian, realizing the “shrimp scampi” meat was the same as chicken parmesan.

3. Bill & Melinda Gates and Epstein Files

[39:21–42:47]

• Melinda Gates comments post-Epstein files mention Bill Gates requesting help for “illicit trysts”, Adderall, and even “sneaking antibiotics” to Melinda.
• Greg: “You’d think paying a woman $50 billion in alimony buys her shutting the fuck up.” [41:53]
• Both marvel at Gates’ resourcefulness—“One of the smartest guys… can’t figure out how to get Adderall without Epstein?” —Mike [41:00]

4. “Ethical Question” Segment

[42:57–44:47]

• Classic moral dilemma: Do you tell your friend’s spouse if you know about cheating?
• Mike hedges: “You talk to your buddy first. What’s the plan?” [43:45]
• Both admit no real-life friends cheat or maintain multiple families: “I don’t have the bandwidth.” —Mike [44:47]

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Cultural Picks & Recommendations

• Secret Mall Apartment (Netflix):
  • Mike highly recommends this “inspiring” doc about creatives who hid an apartment inside a mall: “It gets more and more inspiring as it goes on… it’s about the little guy against big corporations.” [23:36–24:22]
• Discussing Spade and Carvey’s podcast & Bert’s Frankenstein bit.

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Entertainment & Superbowl Culture Wars

[48:00–50:09]

• Mocking Turning Point USA’s “All American Halftime Show” (Kid Rock, obscure country acts) as a protest against Bad Bunny headlining the Super Bowl (“Even though Puerto Rico is American!”).
• Point out that the NFL has long had non-American halftime acts (Stones, U2, Shania Twain).

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Florida Man & Philly News Bites

Florida Segment

[50:40–53:01]

• Florida GOP candidate James Fishback used Tinder “to meet young female voters,” claiming it’s to share his platform on paid maternity leave.
  • Also accused of past inappropriate conduct with a 17-year-old when he was 27.
  • Mike deadpans: “He’s trying to get in the daughter’s pants and the mom’s… running out of likes and asks for Tinder Plus donations.” [52:21]
  • “A hedge fund manager who can’t afford Tinder Plus.” —Greg [52:25]

Philly Segment

[53:05–55:25]

• Naked man in Norristown, PA, hit by a police car while vandalizing traffic—cell phone video goes viral.
• Greg speculates: “If this happened at night… you would have seen his pasty white body. This might have been a black man.” [54:52]

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“This Day in History” Quiz

[55:31–58:47]
Greg and Mike quiz each other on:

• Hank Aaron’s birthday
• Date of Patriots’ Super Bowl comeback
• Historical boxing upsets (LaMotta vs Sugar Ray Robinson)
• Conan O’Brien’s succession on The Tonight Show
• Bob Marley’s birthday
• Ancient Roman battle dates

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The Funnies & Comedy Caption Contest

[59:56–end]

• Review of last week’s caption contest:
  • Winner: “I like my chances.” —Tim McCain [60:18]
  • Honorable Mentions: Bruce Wise’s limerick, Will Hansen’s acne joke.
• Set up for next week’s caption: Drawing of a dog pooping with Greg’s lookalike in the door.
• Comic strip commentary:
  • Hagar the Horrible, Lockhorns, Blondie
  • Greg: “Dagwood… get your hands out of your pockets and go make some goddamn macaroni and cheese for the family.” [63:15–65:10]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mike (on audiobooks): “Well, if listening also counts…” [02:22]
• Greg (on insomnia): “I take a sleeping pill every night and then I put on 45 minutes of the driest, most boring biography I can find.” [03:12]
• Mike (re: Super Bowl party planning): “All of a sudden, we’re like, it’s the exact opposite of what I wanted.” [05:59]
• Greg (on Bert’s podcast compliment): “Could not get higher praise from Bert that we are… the podcast to listen to.” [13:19]
• Mike (on Rogan podcast): “Well, also pushback implies you’ve been pushed.” [15:13]
• Greg (on Jim Norton’s comedy): “He is so fucking boiled down and tight. Every word counts.” [19:29]
• Greg (Olive Garden suicide): “I’m guessing this guy was Italian, like from Italy Italian… and he realized the shrimp scampi was the same meat as the lobster ravioli and the chicken parmesan…” [37:59]
• Greg (on Bill Gates divorce): “You’d think paying a woman $50 billion in alimony buys her shutting the fuck up.” [41:53]
• Mike (on Tinder GOP candidate): “This is the resourcefulness that I’d be voting for—this guy who can’t figure out on his own how to get up to the X level of the dating app.” [52:34]
• Greg (on cheating): “Then you need two phones… Charles Karault on the road…” [45:10]
• Mike (caption contest): “Sounds like ChatGPT… I’m kidding!” [61:15]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:18] – Podcast opens with studio tech/banter
• [04:03] – Super Bowl party stories/gambling talk
• [12:22] – Shoutouts from Bert Kreischer and Rogan discussion
• [18:14] – Beach night recap, Jim Norton comedy praise
• [25:01] – Listener feedback/koozie runaround
• [34:13] – Washington Post layoffs
• [36:48] – Olive Garden suicide story
• [39:21] – Bill & Melinda Gates, Epstein news
• [42:57] – Ethical question: do you tell if you know a friend is cheating?
• [48:00] – Super Bowl Halftime “culture war” (Bad Bunny vs. Kid Rock et al)
• [50:40] – Florida Man GOP candidate on Tinder
• [53:05] – Philly “naked man hit by police car” video
• [55:31] – This Day in History quiz
• [59:56] – Comedy Caption Contest & Funnies

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Tone and Takeaways

The episode flows in the show’s trademark mix of absurdity, self-aware tangents, sharp news commentary, and genuine camaraderie. Greg and Mike bring wit to even the darkest news items, ground pop-culture stories in personal anecdotes, and holler at their listeners to join in caption contests or check out their sponsors. The show never drags or talks down—every bit is an excuse for a fresh joke, a callback, or affectionate razzing.

Takeaways:

• Super Bowl fever runs hot—even while deconstructing bets and diffusing family drama.
• The decline of mainstream media is mourned, but also mined for punchlines.
• Comic tributes are heartfelt and personal (Bert, Jim Norton).
• The culture war over halftime shows is as ridiculous as it sounds.
• Listener engagement (caption contests, mail) is given real airtime and brings in ongoing jokes.
• The episode is chock full of quick wit, playful argument, obscure trivia, and a heavy helping of “funnies” to close.

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Mike Gibbons]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Mike Gibbons]

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[Mike Gibbons]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers with our brand new podcast company, Gotham. I think it's called Podcasts Gotham Podcasts.

[Mike Gibbons]

You sound. You sound clear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They are. Oh, my God. The video is gonna look so much better.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't think we're using that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We're using Riverside FM Studio.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's called Lean on the Lens. Get the Barbara Walters filter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have so much makeup on. I get up. I get up at 6am oh, man.

[Mike Gibbons]

I got up late.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. What happened? What did you do last night? You're so.

[Mike Gibbons]

I've been staying up right now. Well, you know, there are. They aren't exactly slow news days. I've been staying up late and I gotta change that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that your New Year's resolution?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep, it is. Earlier to bed. All I gotta do is read. All I have to do is break out a book and it'll be fine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't read. You're not a reader.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, no, I'm reading now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Well, if listening also counts.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No does not count.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's ridiculous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What? Yeah, because you know why? Because I know that with your adhd, you're incapable of sitting down and concentrating on what you're listening to. So? So you're multitasking.

[Mike Gibbons]

While listening, I do rewind quite a bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm like, wait, what? Wait, wait. Where are they?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, where. How are you listening? What are you doing while you're listening?

[Mike Gibbons]

The best. The best case. And I think a lot of people do this is. I am cleaning. I'm like. Or laundry or something. But my most dedicated listen is when I'm in the car.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, the car is good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I take a sleeping pill every night, and then I put on 45 minutes of the driest, most boring biography I can find. Right now, I'm listening to Gerald Ford again.

[Mike Gibbons]

I have my list. I have my next book on deck. Also, I'm reading James, which is written. You know, it's about Huck Finn, written from Jim's point of view, and it's won all the awards and all that. That's gonna be next. And then right now, I'm doing the God of Small Things, which is this crazy story about this Indian family and that won all the awards. But that one's older.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. My wife's book group did James, and they all loved it, but they're all a bunch of snowflake lesbians.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, okay. No, I heard it's fantastic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Super bowl today. We're burying the lead here. We got the Super Bowl. What's your plans? Where are you going to watch it?

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm in Florida with my dad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that'll be fun.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, not really. So Olivia's meeting me down there, and we're like. And I go, oh, dad, FYI. I go, that Sunday is a couple of weeks ago. That Sunday is the Super Bowl. He's like, oh, right. I go. And so I've been to fun things with him down there in this crazy rich bubble that's down there. And I think I told you the one where we were taken to a yacht club, like, where the old school. Like, all the old members, fish are on the wall with their names next to them and. And a real. It's a boating club. Also. It's not just sailing. It's a lot of motorboats. Anyway, it is the whitest crowd I've ever, ever been around. And at the halftime show, it was the one at SoFi Stadium in LA with Eminem. And then all of a sudden, like, 50 cents hanging upside down, like, you know, in one of the pockets. And then, you know, Dre and Snoop, and it was crazy. And the woman, old woman next to me, next to her husband, goes, with zero effort to be funny. She's like. She leans over, she's like, and, and she's just horrified at what she's seeing, this hip hop thing, and she's like. And they want to defund the police. That was that. That was the highlight of that super bowl for me. So I wanted something like that. So I go to my dad, I'm like, hey, and Olivia's coming down from Boston. You know, check, keep an eye on your clubs. I know all your clubs are going to throw, you know, super bowl parties. So then the next thing that happens is Olivia and I get an email of my dad emailing who is still. He's emailing. The list is who's still alive in his life. The list gets shorter and shorter and shorter, saying, hey, I'm hosting a Super bowl party on the roof of my building. And I'm like, wait a minute, what? So all of a sudden I think I have to create. I have to get food. Like, all of a sudden we're like, it's the exact opposite of what I wanted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, now it's the worst. And then you're going to be clearing the tables and making sure the food is there, getting people drinks, missing the entire game.

[Mike Gibbons]

They'll only be liberal people there. It'll be so boring.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No big sporting events. Me and Aaron walk around the corner and we sit on the couch with Matt and Cass and that's it. And we pay attention to every play, listen to every word. I. I'm kind of a football fanatic. And I mean in the sense that I literally every Sunday will watch two to three games beginning to end.

[Mike Gibbons]

You don't watch them live?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I don't watch them live because I travel on Sundays. I'm always flying home from somewhere. So then you guys get on a group text and you start going, fucking bills. And then, and then I don't. And then I can't watch that game because I can't know how it ends and still watch the game.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's all you listeners. It's a fun friend to have in the group. Like, stop, stop, stop. No spoilers. The game's over like four hours ago. It's ridiculous.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but don't you want to wa. Don't you want to record so you can zip through the commercials and the halftime and all that?

[Mike Gibbons]

My sweet spot is starting the game with like a half hour ago or like catching up to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, exactly.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'll usually do, you know, it allows you to do the catch up with highlights. And I'll do, I'll do that unless I can sense something crazy happen. And then I'll go into the game and watch it, but. Yeah. No, the commercials are unbearable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that guy. That guy, Jim Mattress Mack in Houston. You know, every year he makes a $2 million bet.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Super Bowl. And then if you're a customer of his and he wins, everybody gets a refund, I think, from the whole year.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This year, he picked the Patriots, which means that's a cool game. 2 million will get him 4 million because it's double. It's plus 200 is the. Is the line. And it's also. Pats are Seattle's favorite. Four and a half points. Guess what the under over is.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, wait, wait. He's not going to double his. He's not going to win 4 million. It's 1 to 1, probably, right. We're horrible at this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But essentially, it's plus 200, which means if you bet 100, you get 200.

[Mike Gibbons]

People's heads are exploding.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So if he bets 2 million, he'll get 4 million.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think people's heads are exploding listening to you say this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Plus 200. You double. You double your bet.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, hold on. Ready? I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna tell you right now, here's bad mgm. Here's bad mgm. How much do you want me to bet on them?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

2 million. Just say $200.

[Mike Gibbons]

By the way, right now, Patriots are plus 100.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really? Yeah, that changed, I think. Is there an injury?

[Mike Gibbons]

$10. So look, this is exactly what I just said. 10. $10 bet on the plus 100 pays 20. That means I've doubled it. I don't win 20. I win 10.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, because you've already given them the 10. Yes. Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

So anyway, whatever. Get this. I'm at Penmar, and then this old man who I don't know. And he's walking with a cane, but, like, sporty. He has his running shoes and his sweats on. I don't know, maybe he's injured, so he has a cane. And then all of a sudden, Gubbins goes, you want to split a box? This guy sells boxes. I'm like, what are we talking about? So anyway, all of a sudden, the next thing I know, I'm good for 50 bucks in a box that I don't think I'll ever see. And. But he's doing something interesting, which you should do on the. On the boxes when you have a Super bowl party. You know how it's like, quarter, quarter, half, quarter. You know what? Or quarter, half, court, third quarter, game. His is every score a box pays, but they don't pay as much, but that's way more exciting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but then you've got to divide the amount of payments from the pot based on how many scores there's going to be.

[Mike Gibbons]

But you're so good with numbers, as we just learned. You would do that in seconds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is be. This would be the youngest quarterback in history. If Drake May wins, he will be the youngest quarterback to win a Super bowl in history. Pats. Here's just some. Some facts. Pats were 4 and 13 last season. I don't know if that's the biggest shift from bad to good in history as well. It's the first super bowl in NFL history in which both starting quarterbacks, May and Darnold, and both head coaches are in either their first or second season with their teams. Wow, that's kind of interesting. They're also the. The two best. Well, I think Seattle's ranked the number one defense in the league, and the Pats are like number four in the league.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, I don't know. I think New England's going to win.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You want to bet?

[Mike Gibbons]

Sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Right now. Whatever the line is at the time. But right now it's four and a half.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, it's still four and a half.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'm going to take Seattle. You take the Pats. You owe me $10 from paddle tennis yesterday.

[Mike Gibbons]

I do owe you 10. Oh, I meant to pay that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So why don't we take that 10 and.

[Mike Gibbons]

Let her out?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bet that. Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Wait till I try to set up boxes for these 80 and 90 year olds in Palm. I guess I'm going to start. That'll be interesting. Meanwhile, that's what I'm going to see. I'm going to see a bunch of millionaires who are like, how much is the box? 20. Like, you know, like, you know, like, that'll happen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? So I guess we should give a shout out to Bert Kreischer, who's been just showering us with love lately.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Unbelievable. I'm gonna play a clip right now. This is Bert last week on the Joe Rogan Experience, just, you know, showing us love. Hopefully this will be. You can hear this, but we'll.

[Bert Kreischer]

Greg, you know when people go like, what kind of music you listen to? And you talk to a real musician. Like you talk to the Black Keys. Right? And then you go like, what are you guys listening to? They're like, have you heard of the Velvet Thud or something?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Mike Gibbons]

They've got some obscure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, that's what you need to listen to. When people say, I listen to Sunday papers, that's Fitzsimmons and Gibbons podcast, I go, you're real comedy fans. Those are the two funniest human beings alive ever. Greg Fitzsimmons. When I got ready for Lucky, I brought him on the road with me. I was like, dude, I trust you. Just tell me where I'm sloppy. Tell me where I'm lazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, I mean, could not get higher praise from Bert that we are, you know, the podcast to listen to. And. And then he.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't think Rogan has any clue who I am. The best was the best was he was like, yeah, yeah, Greg's funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now. I talk to him about you all the time. We, we. Because we do the podcast for three hours, but then we go shoot pool for another three hours. So it's a six hour day. And he and I talk. We talk about everybody.

[Mike Gibbons]

How is he not trying to kill himself in the gym during that time or plunging in a cold plunge now?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's already done that that morning. I don't know how he. And then shoots archery and. And then. You know what's amazing? He hasn't been on the road in a year because his dry agent is Elk. Well, his daughters are at that age where he wants to be around. And he basically, he does spots in his club Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then the whole weekend he's just like, family guy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow. Well, yeah, family guy. But then spending eight hours with whatever his podcast guest is. But I guess that that all fits in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's during the day. Yes. Kids are in school. What do you want them to fucking sit outside the schoolyard? So I was on there last week and it was great. I had a lot of. Yeah, it's so funny. I get mail from people, DMs or whatever. Like, hey, man, how come you're not pushing back on Rogan? You know, because we have different politics, but we just don't talk politics. And it's like, all right, should I. Do I have a duty for the country to push back against someone whose politics might be different than mine? Do you do that at work? Do you go up to coworkers and dig in with them at a board meeting in front of everybody? Because that's what you're asking me to do.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, also, pushback implies you've been pushed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

And that didn't happen when you were on there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I spoke about ice. I was very vocal about how I feel about ice and that they are stopping all over the First Amendment. That they're taking pictures of people and showing up at their houses and taking their TSA and security, stripping that away just because they were protesting. So there was a couple things that I, you know, I don't hold my tongue. It just didn't come up, and I wasn't going to bring it up.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I got you. Yeah. Well, apparently it went very well. Man, people love you in the comments, which is. I was expecting the worst because. Because the people that go in the Joe Rogan comments are very, very Joe Rogan, and I think they love shit talking about people that don't agree with their, you know, views. And there was none of that. Everyone just. It was. It was nice. You know what it was, And I'm not kidding. It was like a. It was. It was a big picture thing that views you as one of the best guests he has.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, there was a lot of comments.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm afraid to. For that reason. That's really nice to hear.

[Mike Gibbons]

I know. I wasn't afraid. I wanted to see you torn apart in there in hilarious ways that made. That made no sense to your credit. That would make no sense. But there weren't. People were, like, always one of the best, you know, that. Those type of comments.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's awesome. Also, we had a nice comment from I. Somebody wrote. I thought it must have just happened, but no, it did.

[Mike Gibbons]

So I looked it up. You told me, look it up this morning. You're talking about on Spade and Carvey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, their podcast, Fly on the Wall podcast.

[Mike Gibbons]

I found it. So what happened was he recorded that the day after we recorded his cooking podcast with Bert Kreischer. And Burt was very tickled by my take on Frankenstein and General. And he didn't convey it right, so it's not even worth it, but he basically just said how funny we are. And it's amazing. He's so generous with that and telling those guys. And Spade knows who I. Because he asked, you know, and I was Spade's head writer for a while, and I know Dave, and so do you, obviously. And so anyway, he was tickled by the Frankenstein thing was like, when he finally gets on the ship and the monsters chasing him and, like, tearing apart and killing all the men outside. He then the doctor tells the longest story that begins with his childhood. And my whole take was the captain was like, yeah, yeah, right. So listen, can you jump to the end where there is an unstoppable beast killing all my men outside? Can you get to that part? Yes, I got it. Your. You were a precocious Child, you're my. So that I guess destroyed Bert. And we were on a roll with it, so he conveyed that to them. But this is the problem. Neither Spade or Garvey has seen Frankenstein. Bert didn't set it up, like, even half as well as I did. I just set it up, which wasn't that great. And they're just like, oh, okay, I guess it was funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's funny.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, you missed a nice beach night last night. We went to. Went to watch the sunset. You were invited. It was.

[Mike Gibbons]

I saw the sunset from here. It was great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Me and Aaron and Tom and then Tom's nephew. It was an amazing sunset and it was beautiful. I was just so pissed off, I forgot to bring my bathing suit. The water was packed with people, even though I'm sure it's freezing. Tons of surfers, tons of people on the sand and played Frisbee. They all had a bunch of drinks and then we went over to Mao's Kitchen for dinner.

[Mike Gibbons]

So eat that. The rest of America, who's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Mike Gibbons]

I made a video, ice and 15 degrees. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I put out. I put out a little video and I don't know how if people heard about it. Yeah. Jim Norton on the podcast this week. I interviewed him yesterday. He was insane. He's so fucking funny. His special Jim Norton special is as good as any special he's ever done. He just shoots it real simple at the Comedy Cellar. The whole special starts with him mid joke. It couldn't be more.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I mean, you really forget. He is as good as anybody at stand up comedy. He is so fucking boiled down and tight. Every word counts. And he's got a point of view every comic talks about. You have to have a point of view. Jim Norton was born with a point of view. He's so locked into his attitude, it's amazing.

[Mike Gibbons]

I remember when he started, and this is probably very unfair of me to say, but I was like kind of going to the clubs because of you and everything. And. And the seller, I lived two blocks away. So I'd see comedy like four nights a week or something. And I was at hbo and so I'd work with a lot of them too. But I remember Norton being like. It was. It was the exact time where everyone was challenged by. They would unconsciously do a tell's rhythm and voice. It was like. It was like, I imagine the height of the jazz scene when all of a sudden, whether it's miles or something, like, there's no shaking it. Like, it's such a heavy infl.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We all sounded like a tell. I sounded like a towel.

[Mike Gibbons]

It was such a heavy new way, and you would fall in. And I found that Norton was. Was really under that spell and not trying to be. And so I was always like a little like, oh, you know, he's. God, this sounds awful because he's so great. But I was like, oh, he's like a good version of a tell. Like, that's how I viewed him early on. He then found and latched into his own voice and reinforced his POV and became so strong. And then I went to a thing that Burt got roasted. It was a Whitney Cummings thing. I think it was on Only Fans and. And it was here at the Comedy Store. I could not believe how funny Jim Norton was roasting Bert. Where. And that's one where it's like that in a weird way is a challenge because bird is so easy to roast and there's so much low hanging fruit that I. I was planning on not being that impressed. He found ways to make it smart and clever and if you can go find that it. I was blown away by Norton especially.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no, we talked about it on the podcast. I said, you know, you were one of those guys that took a minute, you know, like as Gaffigan started blowing up and Geraldo was blowing up and Sarah Silverman, like, he was the guy that took a little bit longer. I said, and then like, I don't know if it was Opien Anthony or Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, but his confidence shot up and he just didn't give a fuck anymore. And that's. And he said basically what he did was he started noticing what the comics were laughing at when he was on stage and he realized that's the stuff that he was saying that he was embarrassed about and vulnerable about and that he just, he just started leaning into that and he never looked back.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, that's really interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. What's this about Macy's?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, my God. All right, we have to cover this story. I'm going to do it next week because I don't have it here. I just have a reminder jotted down. This thing came across my feed and apparently this is more common than we think. The legendary Macy's on 34th street after closing would bring down their Doberman pinchers, which lived in the penthouse. And they slept all day in this. And they were incredibly trained and they were watchdogs, guard dogs. And in Macy's, the Doberman pinchers had free reign and nothing was ever robbed from Macy's on 34th Street. And it went until like the 80s or something like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What about Elf, though? Will. Will Ferrell was running around. He built a whole Christmas village.

[Mike Gibbons]

I know post dogs, I'm telling you. And I don't know where they went to the bathroom. But all I know is especially, especially the type of people I have in mind in New York who would go in to try to rob Macy's after dark. They are not going in. Once they hear that it. Doberman pinchers are roaming the place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think that's incredible. And then the other thing I want to just mention is, have you and Aaron watched Secret Mall Apartment yet on Netflix?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Mike Gibbons]

Secret Mall Apartment is a documentary. I guess it was in theaters a year ago. Jesse Eisenberg or whatever his name is. I. I'm impressed. He's one of the producers anyway. Especially if you are in creative fields or you love stories about artists, like, and you can, like, relate because I really related because I had friends like these people. So I won't tell you what it's about. Just go watch Secret Mall Apartment on Netflix. It gets, and you should know, it gets more and more inspiring as it goes on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But. So we are telling you, the viewer, to watch it and we'll talk about it next week. And you know, we're always true to that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, you just have to watch it. I'll probably watch part of it again on the plane. I'm flying. Yeah, Flying to Florida tomorrow. But see, no, but you'll be. And it's a time where I'm like, I. I really have a high bar in feeling inspired these days. And this kind of did it. And it's about the little guy. So it's inspiring across a couple of levels. There's. And there's. There's kind of big messages in there that they do not even intend or beat you over the head with. But you take away, like, especially little guy against big corporations and, and just that feeling in America now. It's fantastic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I got a bone to pick with you. We got a message from Paul Laquacy, who.

[Mike Gibbons]

This is his old message.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know, but I got a new message from him.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He did not receive the koozie. So we. He's not giving us the 500 for Rocky Laporte, who is in very bad shape. So you cost Rocky $500?

[Mike Gibbons]

Come on. He. He heard our podcast. I mailed it to Port Jefferson. Look, look, you didn't give me that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You didn't ask me for the Right address. I would have given it to you.

[Mike Gibbons]

You have polar card, porch Jeff, and then the zip code, and then I had to Google it. Yeah, how about ask him Might. I'll send two koozies to Port Jefferson. God damn it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There we go.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, you mean three. Yeah, I'll send them two. Now I have to see how many I have left. I'll send them two. I also asked people who commented in YouTube and stuff. I go, I'll make it right. I go, just hit me up on Venmo again. I don't want anyone losing 10 bucks. Even though it is kind of a running joke, I did get a lot returned to me, which we. We showed on the podcast one time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The logo this week comes from Bowles McLean. Is that really his name?

[Mike Gibbons]

Bowles, I like. That's a good name. A BM Bowl. His initials are bm and one of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The words is bowl, and one of them is clean. Oh, so we're in front of the Melania documentary, which apparently, you know, you just see the spin. Both sides put on shit. All week. There was these screenshots of empty theaters, no tickets sold, and then it ends up making seven or eight million dollars, which, like, set some records for good ticket sales. So, you know, just everybody relax. And now everybody who started watching the Michelle Obama documentary to. To blow hers out of the water on Netflix.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, you know what? I don't want to watch the Michelle Obama documentary. You know what I want to watch? I. I want to watch Michelle Obama and her husband do fucking something. Where are they?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know.

[Mike Gibbons]

Where are the Democratic leaders during this shit show?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know where his daughter is. I can tell you that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, tell us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, friend of a friend knows a guy she's dating. Oh, and we'll get. I got to check with him how much we can get into it. I'll check and then we'll get.

[Mike Gibbons]

Is this the one that transferred from Michigan to usc?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing we can't start talking about.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, wait a minute. I literally. I literally have no idea what you're talking about. All I know is I went to my niece's graduation at usc, and Michelle and Barack are there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Corrections. Lee says, mike, I want my money back. And 40 in an hour and 40 minutes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, boy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Train dreams. Saw it in the theater. Ungrounded, unreal, overacted, Self indulgent. California pats itself on the back for courageously stating that emotions are real, immigrants are good, the environment is worth preserving, and women Are strong. Real powerful stuff. Thanks again, Lee.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's interest. So I've only seen it once. None of what you wrote I saw in the movie. So maybe I have such a blind spot. I literally. This is. If you ask me, what is Train dreams about the most beautifully framed pictures of rivers and trees. I didn't get any of that. So I. I guess I owe it to you to see it again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I also haven't seen it, but I don't know that. These are all negative things. Emotions are real.

[Mike Gibbons]

Why does California pat its. Wait. I mean, I'm this stupid. He traveled a lot. Was this set in California?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But emotions should be real. Immigrants are good. Yeah. Yes. Illegal immigration in the. To the extent that it's happened in the last few years was. No, no. But Greg, Greg, you can't say immigrants are not good.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no. What they. She's. He or she is saying. This is all super obvious stuff everyone should agree with. Why is it worth patting yourself on the back for having that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Got it. All right, Moses. James says women are strong.

[Mike Gibbons]

God, I saw it. About a man with the worst luck ever and how you go through life with the worst tragedies happening to you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Greg, the word is pronounced golf with an O, not golf with an A. I've heard that. I say golf instead of golf.

[Mike Gibbons]

Gandalf.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I say forehead. I say forehead instead of forehead.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Wait. What about when you have a bad dream?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nightmare.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. You and Bert do that. Mirror nightmare.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ray Jepsen said Edgar Allan Poe is from Boston, but he died in Baltimore. Okay. I did not know he was from Baltimore.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's correcting me. I think that's news to me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dates coming up. I'll be in Philadelphia. Helium comedy club. That's February 13th through 15. Come on down for the Valentine's weekend. Lexington, Kentucky, February 19th through 21. Houston, February 26th through 28. Dallas, Fort Worth, March 20th, March 6th and 7th. And then we got our St. Patrick's Day show at the Hollywood Improv. That's March 17th. Gibbons will be performing on that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't think, but. All right, let's just keep going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then we got Janesville, Bakersfield, Escondido, Boston. Just announced coming up this spring. Go to fitzdog.com get some tickets. We also want to talk about. It's kind of great. This episode is sponsored by Kalshee, the largest prediction market in the US I'm.

[Mike Gibbons]

Going to do it. I'm doing it for the Super Bowl. I got predictions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can trade on weather, real life, world events, will or won't. Happen. You're playing against the sports bet, you're not playing the house. They call it trading peer to peer. It's more like buying stock. So you, you, if you think something will happen, you buy a yes contract. If you think it won't, you buy a no contract. And then I did it for the Australian Open when Alcaraz was playing against some Russian guy, I forget his name, but Alcaraz was up two sets. Then he got a leg cramp and was dragging his foot. Did you see this match?

[Mike Gibbons]

I can't talk about it because I also used colic. She and didn't. My predictions didn't come true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, mine almost did.

[Mike Gibbons]

And it was fun as hell though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can do it across the country, including California and Texas, which you can't do with a lot of different sites. Download the Kalshi app and use code papers to get $10. When you trade $10. There you go. That's it. Put your money where your prediction is. Download Kalshi today, you use promo code papers and get started. The other way you can win is by taking a product from Bluechew. Bluechew Gold. Fellas, you know what it's like sometimes, you know, you need a little help. And Bluechew Gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand.

[Mike Gibbons]

Four in one tablet. It combines two ingredients for blood flow with apomorphine and oxytocin to help your brain.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's fast and discreet. It's delivered right to your door. We've all struggled. There's no shame about it and I'm telling you right now, this product will make you a champion. If you don't want to women, you can send your man a link and he can buy it. So look, it's prescribed online by licensed medical providers. Simple, private, convenient. And we've got a special deal for our listeners and our listeners. You know, look, we're at a certain age, our listeners, we don't have 17 to 19 year old listeners. Let's be honest, we got a special deal for them. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew Gold with code papers. That's promo code papers. Visit bluechew.com for more details, important safety information. We thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. I'm a proud, I'm a proud user. They sent me samples and let's just say sorry, I was late for the.

[Mike Gibbons]

Podcast today and I too use a sponsor. I go on call she and I predict against your erections. So it all ties in there you Go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get a paper crinkling. It's time for the front page. The Washington Post is laying off a third of its workers across all departments. Scaling back foreign news, covering and shutting down some sections of the paper. The executive producer announced layoffs on a zoom call. They will restructure local news, fire editors, close the books department, shrink the number of journalists overseas. In a letter to the newsroom shared with CBS News, Murray wrote that the restructuring plans are intended to, quote, place the Washington Post on a stronger footing and better position the paper in a rapidly changing era of new technologies and evolving user habits. And to protect his friend, it's fucking. Mark Bezos bought the company. Jeff Bezos. I was confused him with Mark Zuckerberg and basically is taking a liberal media outlet and getting rid of it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, listen, I can understand the cutbacks. These are very slow news days. What are they going to write about?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

How about the. Amazon owns this newspaper and they're closing the books department. Like you would think you would at least corrupt the books department to just push books. But we all know it's not really a bookstore anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What? Amazon? Yeah, yeah, no, it started. It did. It did. It started as a bookstore. I forgot about that. Amazon. That's all they did.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, Bezos's ex wife. Listen, there's probably a lot of problems that I'm unaware of. I don't know a lot about her. What I do know about her is she earned whatever she walked away with. Like she was a award winning author and then she was in that garage or wherever they cooked up Amazon.com and she was really there for the creating of it and everything. And. And also I think she gives away a lot of. A lot of her money.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They. People always say that. And then you look at that. They gave a billion dollars away and then you see, oh, they're worth 63 billion.

[Mike Gibbons]

So compare it to what Jeff gives away. I think she's slaughtering him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. An Olive Garden employee died.

[Mike Gibbons]

She should buy the Washington Post and beef it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That would be a great move.

[Mike Gibbons]

That would be a cool move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

An Olive Garden employee died from burn injuries he suffered after thrusting his head into. Oh, this is your story.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah, man. Olive Garden employee died from burn. I. This is an interesting. Injuries he suffered after thrusting his head into a deep fryer in what police have categorized as a suicide attempt. Yeah, I think it's a safe categorization. The harrowing incident occurred Friday afternoon at the Williamsport, Pennsylvania restaurant where the decedent. Oh, no. Worked as A cook. Police and emergency workers arrived at the restaurant around 4pm in response to the 911 calls about an employee removing his clothes and attempting to harm himself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In audio want to get oil stains on his clothes.

[Mike Gibbons]

An audio from the fire department, a dispatcher is heard saying, I don't have a lot of details. A lot of people screaming. Some kind of burn victim. In a subsequent. In a subsequent dispatch, the operator added that a male victim went head first into the Friars.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, is it bobbing for chicken parm? What is happening in that kitchen?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it doesn't say it, but I'm guessing this guy was Italian, like from Italy Italian. And he walked in thinking he was working in an Italian restaurant. And the day he was in the walk in freezer and realized the shrimp from the shrimp scampi was the same meat as the lobster and the lobster ravioli and the chicken parmesan. I think he just went, I cannot take it. Where's the fucking deeper fryer?

[Mike Gibbons]

I love the five cheese ziti.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Alice.

[Mike Gibbons]

Suicidal, please.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It says here you forgot to read this last part. He was laid to rest in an open casket with a side of marinara.

[Mike Gibbons]

He just packed in there with breadsticks. Unlimited, by the way. Unlimited breadsticks. Just packed in there tightly. He, by the way, everyone who is in the Olive Garden kitchens, like, wait a minute. I did not know that was an option. I did. You should put that in the manual, the new employee manual.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think they made a higher counter between the kitchen and the dining room to keep the diners from running in and. And dunking their heads in a deep fryer after the meal.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's Italian. Yeah, it's also family style. Do they have big fryers so whole families can dunk their heads in them?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Melinda Gates, speaking of wives of billionaires who are now billionaires themselves, spoke out for the first time since the release of Epstein files that contain mentions of her husband, Bill Gates. In an interview, she said she felt unbelievable sadness about her ex husband's name mentioned in the new batch. Whatever questions remain there for those people and for even my ex husband, they need to answer those things, not me. And I am so happy to be away from all the muck that was in there. Epstein wrote of his relationship with Gates, quote, in my role as his right hand, I had been asked on multiple occasions. I think Gates right hand was pretty busy doing something else. I had been asked on multiple occasions and in hindsight wrongly acquiesced into participating in things that have ranged from the morally inappropriate to the ethically unsound and have been repeatedly asked to do other things that get near and potentially over the line into the illegal. Epstein described those activities as, quote, helping Bill to get drugs in order to deal with consequences of sex with Russian girls, to facilitating his illicit tris with married women, to being asked to provide Adderall. Well, yeah, you would need a little Adderall to keep up with all of this.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. Who knew the smart. One of the smartest guys on our planet is so unresourceful. It's like, hey, Bill, change the world by creating a Windows, like, user experience with this new thing thing called a personal computer. And he's like, no problem. Also, it's going to take a bit. Can you round up some Adderall? Wait, how. How would I possibly. How would I possibly get Adderall like every high school kid in America does. How. How. How does that happen?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I need to. I better to ask a guy who's running an international pedophile ring to get me a. Almost over the counter drug.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so. And now like, apparently he. He spread STDs with his wife. So. Melinda. Melinda apparently needed antivirus for her laptop and her lap.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. And when you get the Adderall, you're like, jeff, like, are these a dead kid's Adderall? He's like, I will, you know, need to know basis. Bill. He's like, okay, all right, I got it. I won't ask. I won't ask anymore. Thanks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And the you, by the way, you'd think paying a woman 50 billion in alimony buys her shutting the fuck up. You think you can manage that?

[Mike Gibbons]

The best was that. Yeah, that detail where he then from. From what I've heard, Bill was seeking advice on how to slip. Surreptitiously slip Melinda antibiotics so she wouldn't know she was infected. Meanwhile, I can't believe Bill Gates is having that much sex with his wife. Yeah, I wouldn't guess that. Not only based on his island stuff, but, you know, he goes away on his little reading retreats all the time. He's super nerd. They're old. They've been married forever. Yeah, it's interesting, but I don't know when this happened, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, she's also really, really old for him. She's over 14, so. Oh, no time for the ethical question.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. It's my week to do it. I'm going to ask you this, Mike, you have a cheating friend. You are friends with him and his wife. Do you have A responsibility to let the wife know that he is cheating on her.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right. We've touched on this and last week had a similar. Or maybe two weeks anyway. Yeah, that's really tough one. You know, the, the virtuous answer is yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I mean, I think if you said no, I was gonna go, thank God. Oh, I'm asking for a friend.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right. But I think you talk to your buddy. Right first, I guess, and be like, what's the plan?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Do you give him an ultimatum? Like, you tell her or I will.

[Mike Gibbons]

Also, you know, I shouldn't say this, but I would. I, I hate admitting it, but I would factor in what, like, is this a one time thing when he was on vacation or whatever with, with a meaningless blah, blah, blah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no, because ultimately you're protecting her from something.

[Mike Gibbons]

You know, I mean, again, the right answer is do you intervene no matter what it is. But good question. Yeah. And it's also hard for me because it applies to every one of my friends.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. You know what's funny?

[Mike Gibbons]

I've got a lot of communicating to do with these wives.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know any friends that cheat on their wives. Um, I mean, there's a cut. No, there's a couple comedians I know that step out on the road a little bit, but my non comedian friends, I can't think of one that cheats on his wife.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, no, we don't know a single. Like, first of all, the whole thing is so baffling when you, if you're juggling, if you're, if you have a relationship on the side, like, I can't even imagine. I don't have the bandwidth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Like, and the people with two families. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then you need two phones.

[Mike Gibbons]

Charles Karault on the road. Yeah, he was on the road quite a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right. The other thing I want to talk about is. And you know, thank you guys because our numbers are up. We have started getting advertising again and we're happy to share some of these great companies with you. Let's talk about some sleep because I mean, how your temperature is while you're sleeping. They say you want to stay cool. Some people run hot really easily. Some people get too cold.

[Mike Gibbons]

This is a great idea.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Miracle made sheets are designed by NASA. Inspired silver infused fabric regulates your body temperature while you sleep. Regular sheets can hold more bacteria than a toilet seat.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which is fine because I often pass out on the toilet, so that's not a big deal for me.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right. You sleep like a baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

On that toilet seat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So this presents 99 prevents 99.7% of bacterial growth. Everything stays cleaner. You don't have to wash as open as often. Fewer odors. I don't get a lot of odors on my sheets.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't either. But I like fewer wash cycles. But I might want to know a little thing. I'm going to get these because I one thing I do I after like I guess it's like a week. I have a king sized bed the other side not used at all. Yep. Not to boast but. And then I'll go start sleeping on that side for the. For the next.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Cheating on yourself. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I slip into fresh crisp sheets. But these have silver in them. I am, I'm getting them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got them. They sent. You didn't get your free sample. They sent me a free sample. You were supposed to send in the size of your mattress to get them.

[Mike Gibbons]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got them. Let me tell you something. It is like I sleep Sometimes I sleep in decent hotels, sometimes I sleep in very good hotels. This is four season quality. Just so smooth, breathable. I love them. So if you care about better sleep, better skin and a cleaner bed, these are an easy upgrade. Upgrade your sleep today go to try miraclesingular.com papers and you'll save over 40%. This is a pretty good deal. When you use free promo code papers you'll get an extra 20% off plus three free a free three piece towel set. That's miracle singular.com papers code papers. And you save so much I think they owe you money at the end thanks to miracle sleeping money sponsoring this episode. All right, let's get to some entertainment.

[Mike Gibbons]

There you go, buddy. What a story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Turning Point USA is staging a rival counter programming event titled All American Halftime Show. It was launched in response to the NFL selection of Puerto Rican artist Bad Bunny as the official headliner. Which drew criticism from conservative figures I guess because Bad Bunny's not American even though Puerto Rico is American. And we have in the past had the stones from England, McCartney from England, you2 from Ireland, Coldplay from the UK Shania Twain from Canada, Phil Collins. I don't know what that what year. That was a slow year for the super bowl. But here's Phil Collins was in the Super Bowl. I guess don't remember it but here's who they got. Here's the. Here is the fucking treasure trove of big name act Kid Rock. Okay is he's there. Got to be tired of Kid Rock. He's at everything.

[Mike Gibbons]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then they got country artists. Have you heard of any of these people? Brantley Gilbert, Lee Bryce or Gabby Barrett?

[Mike Gibbons]

I've heard the name Lee Bryce, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can't miss it because it's gonna, it's gonna stream on rumble channels. It'll be on real America's Voice, one America news Network and Daily Wire Plus. So, I mean, you, you're not gonna be able to turn around without seeing Brantley Gilbert and Lee Bryce.

[Mike Gibbons]

What's the plus in Daily Wire? It's plus misinformation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So, yeah, they're very upset about this. They're very upset about the halftime show.

[Mike Gibbons]

This. Did you see the Bad Bunny reaction at the, you know, the Grammys? Apparently it infuriated Trump, if you can believe all the reports of that. But I would like to know, I would like to translate what he's saying as, as he's saying it and stuff. Although I doubt I'll say anything at the Super Bowl. He's just going to sing his hits and those songs are gigantic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they're also bringing up Green Day and they have been very outspoken against.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think, you see, I haven't read anything about it. Are they really bringing up Green Day?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they're going to open and then there's a bunch of really cool cameos that are coming up. Brandi Carlisle with Bad Bunny. With Bad Bunny, Wow. Who else? There's like two or three other acts that are coming up who are pretty big name, pretty interesting musicians. Let's make America Florida.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm trying to keep this thing moving because I know you got a heart out.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. You might feel you might cross the finish line without me. Make America Florida with this was emailed to us by Greg. Thank you, Greg. Florida Republican gubernatorial candidate James Fishback said Monday he joined the dating app Tinder to meet young female voters in the state. Fishback, who's 31, wrote on the social platform X that he joined Tinder, quote, to meet young female voters where they are, which is in their parents house and share my plan to make it easier for them to get married, buy a home and raise a family. He also shared a screenshot of his Tinder profile in which he said his hottest take is that Florida should offer paid maternity leave to all moms. Oh, man, he's trying to get in the daughter's pants and the mom's pants with this line of bs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Half an hour later, fish Fish pack wrote on X that he, quote, ran out of likes and asked for donations. So he could subscribe to Tinder plus, which gives users unlimited likes and ability to see who has liked their profile. Fishback is an investor and a hedge fund manager who's running in the GOP primary to succeed DeSantis and then Broward County School district, it turns out, had cut ties with Fishback in 2022 following allegations he had an inappropriate relationship with a 17 year old student when he was 27. Again, he just met her where she was, which was at her parents house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He met her where she was at a girl scout jamboree.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. So this guy is a hedge fund manager that can't afford the money to subscribe to Tinder Plus.

[Mike Gibbons]

I. This is the resourcefulness that I'd be voting for this guy who can't figure out on his own how to get up to the X level of the dating app.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And how do you also get. How do you run out of likes? Is that like I ran out of.

[Mike Gibbons]

I imagine. Yeah, I know. I imagine it's like. Yeah, well, I. You probably get five a month or something like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my God. God. Good for you.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, he smoked right through him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's make Florida.

[Mike Gibbons]

This is also Senate. Let's make America. Philly again. Okay, Matt. Matt sent this into us, which is very sweet. And he said my hometown made the news just outside of Philly. So here we go. Matt, here's your story. Officers from the Norristown Police Department were called to the intersection of of Stainbridge and West Airy streets in the morning of February 4th after receiving reports of a naked man standing in the way of traffic. According to police, a man not wearing any clothing was seen vandalizing a parked car and hitting cars that were passing, which was creating a dangerous environment for the community. So officers were already there and while they were on the scene checking it out, another marked police car was then captured on camera entering the scene and smashing into the naked man. The video has since gone viral. Cell phone video captured the moments when the naked man was hit by the police car while standing in that intersection. The man was seen in the video flying several feet before falling to the ground. Once on the ground, officers surrounded him, were able to restrain him before giving him medical attention. The officer driving the car was immediately given three medals for how great he handled the scene. Now the officer was placed on administrative leave, but he probably will receive an award, I imagine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, did he hit the guy on purpose?

[Mike Gibbons]

I. I don't think so, but I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll say this, and this might sound Racist. If. If this happened at night, there's no way this would have happened to your typical Philly Irish guy, because you would have seen his pasty white body. This might have been a black man.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, all right. Yeah. I mean, yeah, saved by whiteness. Again with the police. But, oh, my God, what a scene. Imagine that cop on administrative leave now, too. Like, just the vision of the black guy naked. Oh, you put in my head it's a black guy, a naked guy flying through the air, like, head over heels that you just smash smashed into. And the video is going viral. The best are the people who post that, like, yeah, this has to be shared.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right, let's cut down to. I think we better get to this day in history.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, here we go. This day in history. Let's do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's keep it tight.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, I have to find it. We're on we are a chrome podcast now. All right, here we go. Gotta admit, didn't really have a lot of time to look through it. You ready? Hank Aaron was born on this day in what year? Give or take five years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1927.

[Mike Gibbons]

1934.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did I miss? I just missed. Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Why wouldn't you have done. I like hearing you. I thought you were going to think out loud on this one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, we don't have time. You have some kind of hard out today.

[Mike Gibbons]

I do. I have a zoom. All right, how about this? When was the famous, famous super bowl where The Patriots, down 25 points, came back and beat the Atlanta Falcons, Give or take two years. What year did Tom Brady and the Patriots beat the Falcons with the greatest comeback in Super bowl history?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

2018, man.

[Mike Gibbons]

2017.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Mike Gibbons]

Very cool. Let's see. Would you know when Jake Lamata, the Bronx Bull, handed Sugar Ray Robinson his first defeat, Give or take. I'm gonna give you 10 years on that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1949.

[Mike Gibbons]

43.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, all right. I mean, I was just thinking about Raging Bull, and it was shot, wasn't it, in black and white? No, no, because they had that red blood showing. But it looked. Yeah, it looked like the 50s. I figured it had to be in the 40s.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, you're a literary fan. Let me see if there's a more fun one. Oh, how about this one? Before we get to that, what year did Jay Leno host his last episode of the Tonight show before handing it over to Conan o'? Brien? Give or take two years. What year was that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that's a tough one. 2016, I guess.

[Mike Gibbons]

You got it. 2014.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, you Like, I know you like Bob Morley. Bob Marley was born on this day in what year? Give or take four years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1937.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, dude. 45.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oof.

[Mike Gibbons]

Did you give me 10 years? Huh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many years did you give me?

[Mike Gibbons]

I think I gave you four years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I didn't get it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Julius Caesar's forces delivered the final blow against supporters of Pompeii in the. In the great battle of Thapsus, give or take 400 years. When was this final blow against the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Year 200 A.D. you did it, buddy.

[Mike Gibbons]

46 B.C.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Mike Gibbons]

You were off by 250 years, but you still got it with the window I gave you. All right, we're moving on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's get down to no letters the editor. Apparently, we didn't get any comments on our YouTube channel. Mike. I guess there was none. That might be where you, you know, jump in and grab a couple. No obituary. Nobody big died this year that we know of. Right?

[Mike Gibbons]

Hold on. I think I didn't. You didn't lose. I didn't disappear, did I? From the screen?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, good. Wow. That was. I thought I did. Sorry. What happened? YouTube comments?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Yeah. You didn't pull any YouTube comments.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, but I went. I answered everybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, well, that's good.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't see any celebrity deaths. I'm checking right now.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, nobody. Oh, Catherine o'. Hara. What are we saying?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, man. You know, we didn't cover that last week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, maybe we did.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, listen, I don't think we did, but. No, that's a big one. You know, we should talk about it next week.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's talk about next week.

[Mike Gibbons]

Because she was extraordinary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Okay. Let's get down to the funnies.

[Mike Gibbons]

Let's do it. Here we go. Crinkle time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, comedy caption contest. Last week, the frame was a bald gentleman in the bathroom looking in the mirror. He looks very unhappy. He's got a brush in his hand. Tim McCain said, I like my chances.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's my tagline when I did a Rogaine commercial back in the 90s.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's a great callback.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Rich Butchko said, fabio's reincarnation after a sinful life.

[Mike Gibbons]

Lot to think about there. Reincarnation. Okay, what about. He just let it go? Is Fabio dead?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is him. At a restaurant about six years ago.

[Mike Gibbons]

That means he's alive now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Will Hansen said, well, he was eating healthy at a salad. Will Hansen said, yes. I may be losing my hair, but I've Managed to retain my youthful acne, which is an old joke.

[Mike Gibbons]

These guys know your sets really well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is very cute. Bruce Wise, who does a lot of our artwork, said, old Josh was feeling the suck his hairstyle. A sad Friar Tuck. He looked in the mirror and it couldn't be clear without cash, he would never get fucked.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's impressive.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's pretty impressive.

[Mike Gibbons]

It sounds like chatgpt. Just saying. I'm not kidding. I'm not. I'm kidding.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kurt said, I'm not balding. I'm just becoming more aerodynamic.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think it says Kurt because I think that's a famous line from Kurt Vonnegut.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, really?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Sean from Ontario said, oh, boy, I look like George Costanza fucked Danny DeVito, then had an abortion. Fuck you gain.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow. Went to. The first part was nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right up the middle, right down the gut, as Joe Buck likes to say.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, it's short and sweet. I like. I like my chances.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, Tim McCain, congratulations. You win a koozie. What's left of them is gonna be the. Is gonna be the final weeks of the koozies. According to Mike, there's not a lot left. Honorable mention to Bruce Wise, by the way, for the limerick. Next week's comic caption is, there's a gentleman who looks like me in a doorway. And there's a dog on the carpet shitting. And there's a Sunday papers frame.

[Mike Gibbons]

I like this. This is homemade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. So there's pee and poop on the.

[Mike Gibbons]

Carpet in a really ransacked type place. Your little posters askew. The sofa's been beat up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And let's say that's me. That's me in the doorway.

[Mike Gibbons]

100% my dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Okay, let's get to the pros. Haggar is in his living room. His daughter is sitting on a chair. There's a gentleman playing music. He's one of those, like, carnival guys who's got the bass drum on his foot, a guitar, a harmonica, and he's clanging a drum with his elbow. Then what's his name walks in, who just plays a lute, and he goes, what does he have that I don't? And Haggar goes, isn't it obvious?

[Mike Gibbons]

One man band.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Hagar allows men to court his daughter. Does that seem Viking?

[Mike Gibbons]

Like, it almost seems like a king with a jester. And he's letting the jester do his best, I guess. Yeah, that's what I see.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It just seems to me that Haggar would have an axe and a sword and would be Decapitating anybody trying to, let's be honest, grape his daughter. Because there's no love making back then.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, I've hit my heart out. I'll end on the Onion. The Onion is a picture of Trump and it says, trump scolds female reporter for being adult. So I like that one. All right. I guess I got to keep this window open somehow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, keep it open. Don't fuck up.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'll try not to fuck up. All right. On promoting secret mall apartment and take it eash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Take it east to you. And then I'll finish it out. I'll do one. Lockhorns, Leroy and Loretta are at the table. She's ladling out some stew and then she goes, what do you mean when? I haven't even started serving yet. So he said, when, like, stop. That's funny. Blondie is sitting down reading a newspaper with her back to Dagwood Bumstead, which is how she should always be positioned. He's sitting there. I love it. Feet up on the hassock, hands in the pocket. Just the ultimate beta posturing. And he goes, so, what's for dinner, sweetheart? She goes, you can have your choice, honey, Macaroni or cheese. And he goes, somebody must have had a long day. She goes, somebody sure did. Really? Well, if she did. Dagwood, get your fucking hands out of your pocket and go make some goddamn macaroni and cheese for the family. Do so. You're a mid level manager who's constantly in threat of being fired. You haven't hit a bonus in 26 years. Make the fucking macaroni and cheese and then maybe you can get a little piece of her. All right. I don't know why Mike couldn't have stayed the extra 30 seconds. But that's the end of the show. We're going to remind our listeners to support our sponsors. That would mean a lot to us. Go to Kashi and you're going to get $10. Use code papers. Kalshee. I'm sorry. Use code papers and get $10 when you trade $10. Bluechew, you're going to go to bluechew.com and use code papers and get 10% off. And then finally we have miracle made and the site is trymiracle.com papers get 40% off plus another 20% off. All right, thank you guys for listening. Thank you, Gotham Podcast for producing, and we'll catch you guys next time. God bless America.

[Mike Gibbons]

The earth has spun around seven more revolutions. Anom is happening. We're. How do you unpack what's happened this week. Give Mike and Greg the mic and listen to them speak on December Papers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Podcast.

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