Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 302 2/22/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep. 302 – February 22, 2026

Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons
Produced by: Gotham Production Studios
Theme: A weekly, comedic take on current events, culture, sports, and everyday life—with irreverent banter, reader submissions, and classic “Sunday Papers” segments.

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Greg and Mike dive into the week’s headlines, riff on Olympic drama and sports spoilers, weigh in on AI scandals and royal family news, and banter about everything from Woody Allen films to whale communication. They manage corrections on past mistakes, field ethical hypotheticals, and round things out with obituaries, caption contests, and darkly funny personal stories—all in their trademark sarcastic, rapid-fire style.

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Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

1. Olympics Mania & The Sports "No Spoilers" Debate ([01:41]-[14:41])

• Greg's Olympic Obsession:

  • Got hooked in the second week, especially women’s figure skating and Alyssa Liu's emotional gold medal win.
  • “She went into it saying, I really don’t care about the medals...When she did win, it was that much better because it wasn’t desperate.” – Greg [10:44]

• Sports Spoilers & Text Chains:

  • Greg complains about friends texting spoilers: “Is that too much to ask? … All that gets me through that flight is knowing I’m gonna sit on my couch with my bong in my hand—no, I don’t smoke a bong—but I’m gonna sit on the couch and watch football.” – Greg [02:24]
  • Mike ribs Greg: “Remember in 2001, we’re like, oh, my God, the second tower. You’re like, no, no, no, no. No spoilers.” – Mike [03:08]

• Olympians Switching Countries:

  • Discussion about Eileen Gu, American-born skier competing for China.
  • Mike: “China paid her…that’s controversial, I guess, with some people.” [06:39]
  • Greg jokes: “I think I'm going to do comedy for Ireland.” [06:53]

• Medal Mentality:

  • Mike: “No one is training for silver, right?” [14:16]
  • Greg: “Every single week that I go to the iTunes podcast charts and I see Bad Friends ahead of us, and it’s like a knife to the gut.” [14:28]

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2. Comedy Industry and Epstein Files ([15:48]-[16:55])

• Discuss comedians’ names showing up in the Epstein files, with Greg suggesting it became almost a humblebrag, clarifying that many were only mentioned because Epstein attended their shows.

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3. Listener Interactions & Corrections ([19:59]-[24:50])

• Greg and Mike read corrections from listeners:

  • Jenga/Jingo confusion
  • Biathlon pronunciation (bi-ath-alon)
  • Medal podium terminology
  • The Wright brothers and their bicycles
  • Facts about The Sound of Music

• Playful jabs at each other about who’s more distracted during recording.

  • Greg: “We should have the screen face down, because that's where your head is looking at your phone about 30% of the time.” [22:02]

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4. Headlines and News Analysis

a. AI Deepfakes Scandal (Elon Musk's Grok) ([30:44]-[34:44])

• Congressional Concern:
  • Musk’s chatbot Grok “creates sexualized deepfakes,” including of minors.
  • “Once again...we're simply saying what's in the news.” – Greg [31:43]
• Should AI-Generated Child Content Be Allowed?
  • Touchy, satirical discussion referencing Louis CK’s “hear me out” SNL monologue.
• Political Side-Eye:
  • Mike: “Most Democrats were upset at this because it's hurting the stock price and they bought it early, just like all the other Congress people.” [33:58]
  • Nancy Pelosi’s stock-picking prowess [34:18]

b. Berkshire Hathaway & Conservative Investing ([34:44]-[37:03])

• 19.9% growth rate since 1964, “nearly doubling the S&P 500’s 10.4.”
• Anecdotes about Warren Buffett’s low-key lifestyle.

c. Royal Family, Justice, and Inbreeding ([38:00]-[40:14])

• King Charles’ statement supporting “the law must take its course” over Prince Andrew’s situation.
• Greg: “You gotta remember we're the new royal family...for thousands of years arranged marriages with 11 and 12 year old girls.” [39:12]
• Speculation about royal family’s inbreeding: “It’s a sapling, not a tree.” – Greg [39:56]

d. Taliban’s Oppressive Laws ([40:20]-[43:04])

• Taliban allows men to beat wives if there’s no visible evidence—darkly satirized by Greg and Mike.

e. Voter Suppression & Women’s Rights ([43:04]-[43:49])

• Suppression through document requirements for women who’ve changed their names.

f. Whale Communication Breakthrough ([44:45]-[45:25])

• Scientists exchange “contact calls” with a whale named Twain.
• Mike jokes: “Unfortunately, the whale named Twain kept using the N word...because he’s named Twain.” [45:00]

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5. Entertainment Segment

a. Woody Allen Film Festival w/ Daughter ([53:01]-[55:50])

• Greg debates whether it’s wrong to show his daughter Woody Allen films.
• “I just don’t think that Woody would cheat on his daughter.” – quoting a stand-up on Woody Allen in the Epstein files [53:58]
• Praise for Crimes and Misdemeanors: “It’s an exploration of God and...essentially the heart of the movie.” – Greg [54:11]

b. Classic Films & Series

• Mike: Moonstruck is “close to flawless.” [55:57]
• Starting Lonesome Dove “because of the great Robert Duvall.” [56:02]

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6. America’s Dark Side: Crime & Philly Stories

a. Florida Man Segment ([56:54]-[58:24])

• Father-son argument over walking the dog ends in fatal shooting.
• “If you have the energy to kill your dad, you can stand by a dog as it poops.” – Mike [58:15]

b. Philly Creep Segment ([58:24]-[61:37])

• Old woman mugged at bus stop; comparisons to 1970s New York.
• Anecdote about Vinnie “The Chin” Gigante’s mom being mugged and the aftermath.

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7. Ethical Dilemmas ([47:38]-[52:55])

• Question 1: Would you switch seats with a drunk friend with a felony warrant at a DUI checkpoint?

  • Mike: “As I’m about to hop over, I’m like, you’re gonna pay for everything...Then I guess I would.” [49:43]

• Question 2: Would you provide a false alibi for your daughter in court?

  • Mike: “...If you will get away with this lie, I would.” [51:19]

• Tangential but hilarious asides about stop sign violations and using a mannequin to ride in the carpool lane.

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8. Corrections & Listener Engagement ([19:59]-[24:50])

• Listeners correct errors: Jenga vs. Jingo, biathlon pronunciation, The Sound of Music, and Wright Brothers facts.
• Mike’s distracted podcasting called out playfully by Greg.

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9. Obituaries ([67:56]-[75:18])

• Jesse Jackson: Trailblazing civil rights leader, two-time presidential candidate, SNL legend.
• Robert Duvall: Prolific actor, 7-time Oscar nominee, 4-time winner.
  • “Amazing actor. And also, the way he led his career…he really was about the work.” – Greg [73:02]

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10. Weekly Caption Contest & Listener Creativity ([75:24]-[78:47])

• Caption of the Week (Snowman cartoon):
  “It's hard to see dad like this, but cheer up. The Dow is over 50,000 right now.” – Rob Mitchell [77:01]
• Next week's cartoon: Woman in cocktail dress at a slot machine, gin and tonic IV.

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11. Best Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Remember in 2001, we’re like, oh, my God, the second tower. You’re like, no, no, no, no. No spoilers.” – Mike [03:08]
• “I just don’t think that Woody would cheat on his daughter.” – Stand-up quoted by Greg [53:58]
• “He gave me a card on where to get my steaks.” – Mike, about Robert Duvall’s obsession with meat [72:59]
• “If you have the energy to kill your dad, you can stand by a dog as it poops, right?” – Mike [58:15]
• “It’s so fucked up that these women in so many of these countries are not allowed to vote and yet they’re forced to dress as voting booths. That was in my act for a long time.” – Greg [43:04]

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12. Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------|------------------| | Olympics/Spoiler Banter | 01:41 – 14:41 | | Epstein Files/Comedy Names | 15:48 – 16:55 | | Listener Corrections | 19:59 – 24:50 | | Grok AI Deepfake Scandal | 30:44 – 34:44 | | Berkshire Hathaway/Buffett | 34:44 – 37:03 | | Royal Family/Monarchy | 38:00 – 40:14 | | Taliban Law Satire | 40:20 – 43:04 | | Voter Suppression | 43:04 – 43:49 | | Whale “Conversation” | 44:45 – 45:25 | | Entertainment/Caption Contest | 53:01 – 78:47 | | Obituaries – Jesse Jackson & Duvall | 67:56 – 75:18 |

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Tone & Style

• Fast-paced, irreverent, sharp, and often darkly humorous.
• Unapologetically opinionated, tangential, and willing to “go there.”
• Deeply interactive with listeners through corrections and contests.

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Summary

This episode of Sunday Papers features Greg and Mike’s trademark comedic take on Olympic stories (spoilers, medals, and country-hopping athletes), a rundown of current events both ridiculous and disturbing (AI deepfakes, royal scandals, oppressive Taliban rules), and heartfelt if offbeat tributes in the obituaries section. Corrections from eagle-eared listeners provide fodder for self-deprecating jokes, and their ethical hypotheticals spark relatable, rule-bending confessions. The show is rounded out with a competitive caption contest, pop culture riffs (including whether it’s wrong to show your kid Woody Allen movies), and stories from their personal and professional lives—all while keeping the tone biting, playful, and welcoming to loyal listeners.

Recommended for:
Anyone who loves acerbic, quick-thinking news riffing with plenty of laughs, pop culture asides, and a peek into the life and mind of working comedians.

Transcript

[A]

I saw this app. I got a hit.

[B]

In the new Limited Series DTF St.

[A]

Louis, Jason Bateman, David Harbour and Linda

[B]

Cardellini star as three suburbanites who spice

[A]

up their love lives. Wow. Don't miss the new HBO Original Limited Series, DTF St. Louis, premiering March 1 on HBO Max. Quick Choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Not valver McDelivery. Monday, Tuesday, time to work. Wednesday, Thursday, almost there. Friday, Saturday, time to party.

[B]

And a Sunday is the time for Sunday paper.

[A]

Greg and Meyer, read all about it.

[B]

Read three minutes on my call about it.

[A]

Sunday paper is coming to y' all from Lexington, Kentucky. Bourbon Street.

[B]

How?

[A]

What?

[B]

Bourbon Street?

[A]

No, it's Bourbon Town. I meant to say.

[B]

Oh, I gotta do a little mic repair.

[A]

Oh, look at you with your high tech painters tape. It's not even. Yeah, it's not even electric tape.

[B]

No, no, no. I didn't get a big enough holder. This is an abnormally large mic, you know.

[A]

Yeah. You mean that we got a year. We got a year and a half ago and you haven't waiting.

[B]

All right, here we go. We're set. How are you? You know, we're recording this.

[A]

I'm very good. I'm very caught up in the Olympics. I didn't right away the first week. I. I don't think I watched 10 seconds of the Olympics. And then I got very into it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Really? Last night.

[B]

Couple of things. First of all, we're recording this during the men's semis. The hockey team is playing right now. I don't know anything about it, but yesterday the whole world was watching women's hockey and it was at the end of the game and you were on a text chain and then you pulled your usual no spoilers.

[A]

Is that too much to ask? I travel.

[B]

You do it a lot. You do. You save like football games. 12 hours on a Sunday?

[A]

Yeah, because sometimes I'm traveling on a connecting flight and I don't get home. And then all that gets me through that flight is knowing I'm gonna sit on my couch with my bong in my hand. No, I don't smoke a bong. But I'm gonna sit on the couch and watch football. And then you guys are like, Blasting out all the spoilers.

[B]

Well, we're. The whole world's watching. I mean, does the New York Times. Do you get their alerts? Do they spoil you?

[A]

I'm not on spoilers.

[B]

No, I watch Times. It's a world headline.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

And International Olympics.

[A]

Yeah, but it's. It's women's. It's women's sports. Nobody's reporting on women's sports.

[B]

You've always been sensitive about the no spoiler thing. Remember in 2001, we're like, oh, my God, the second tower. You're like, no, no, no, no. No spoilers. No spoilers. Like, Jesus, Greg, you're gonna see it in the.

[A]

I think you're gonna get spoiler. I remember when my wife had our first child, and you guys were like, congrats, it's a boy.

[B]

I was like, no, she's pregnant.

[A]

She's pregnant.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

No, but last night, I'll tell you this, I watched women's figure skating, and, you know, it's. It. There's a woman in there named Alyssa Liu, and Big Story 60 Minutes covered the story about, I don't know, a while ago because she basically won the world championships with. When she was 16 years old and then retired.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Just left the sport, and nobody could fucking believe it. And she said she wanted balance in her life and blah, blah, blah. So she leaves the sport and then comes back a year and a half ago and competes and, like, you're never gonna. She wins the gold last night, and it was so emotional because she was basically in second place. And then the woman in first place, the Japanese woman who's won, like, the last three world championships, Japanese chick. She was incredible, and she just beat her out in the end. But it was just, like. It was just good to see somebody with some balance in her life. She's probably the only girl in the women's Olympics that gets a period on a regular basis.

[B]

Oh, boy. Well, also, with her attitude, like, coming back on her own terms. And also here's the. The Onion headline that she's used the gold. The gold medal to gauge ear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Asians are doing quite well in this Winter Games.

[A]

Are they?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Well, Asians from Asia or American Asians?

[B]

Well, very good question, because the. She might win a third gold medal Saturday, but I'm forgetting her name. She born in San Francisco. You know about her? Born in San Francisco.

[A]

That's Alyssa, Lou, dummy.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

That's Alyssa Liu, born in San Francisco.

[B]

No, no, no. This is the skier. Oh, the freestyle skier who's the. Who's the most decorated freestyle. Women's freestyle skier. Maybe even men's, too.

[A]

I would say Greg Louganis is the most decorated, but I just mean what he wears when he goes out on a Saturday night to a gay bar.

[B]

Oh, okay. But different kind of different sport.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So anyway, I'm getting her name now. She was kind of new to me, but she born in San Francisco. San Francisco High School. She's a brainiac. Also got like a 1580 on her SATs, went to Stanford. Her mom was a ski instructor in, like, Squaw Valley or whatever. Whatever it was called Eileen Goofy. And her mom's an immigrant from China. You don't know this story.

[A]

I just know that any girl named Gu in high school got tortured a little bit.

[B]

She then decided she's gonna ski for China. Oh, China paid her well.

[A]

Naomi Osaka plays tennis for China. Japan.

[B]

Yeah. So in China paid her, and I think another athlete, too, to compete for them. So that's. That's controversial, I guess, with some people.

[A]

Anyway, I think I'm gonna do comedy for Ireland.

[B]

Right. Yeah, Yeah, I would do that.

[A]

And. But it is weird. I watched the women's figure skating, and you. And I'm just like. Like, they're just so incredibly athletic, and they're beautiful, you know, and you watch them and it's just like, you know, they're doing splits and, you know, grabbing their foot and put it behind their head, and you're just like, oh, my God. And then the announcer comes on and he's like. And Svetlana's from Poland, and, oh, today's her 15th birthday. And I'm like, shit, God damn it. Women skating.

[B]

Yeah. I wonder if we had more. So, like, in. In Colorado, right. It's the Winter Olympics. That's the home, I think, where they train the training facilities and everything in Colorado Springs, maybe. And so if we were more like other countries where the government invests a lot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The training, conditioning, the doctors, the facilities, then it would be a bit of a shame if you're like, hey, thanks for all that. Now I'm just going to represent another country that's paying me.

[A]

Yeah, but we don't give them shit. We. We don't support our.

[B]

Probably the case. Yeah.

[A]

No, it's a shame, like. And that's why I have a hard time watching the Olympics because you see these people that train and they give up all their cousins, weddings on the weekends, and a social life and a.

[B]

That sounds like they've already won.

[A]

And then they. They one Little slip up and they're out. And it's like, I can't fucking. I hate that.

[B]

Yeah. But they're like, well, at least I didn't go to Frank's wedding. Hey, what do you think about this issue? So she got something.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

Okay, goofy. This is. This is a good question. So goo. She wins two silver, right? She's the most decorated. She's the one. Also, she got a little hot water this week. She said, a little bit of a woe is me. That sometimes she feels so much pressure because she feels the weight of both countries on her. And I think a lot of Americans were like, you go straight to hell. So anyway, she's in a press conference after winning two silver, and a journalist goes, you know, do you view this as winning two silver? More as winning two silver or losing two gold? And she laughed out loud.

[A]

I saw that. Yeah.

[B]

Also, by the way, keep in mind, she makes almost. She makes 30 plus million a year. She's a Runway model, a brainiac. Like, she's killing it. This girl is killing it. Never mind in the Olympics. So she's very, very confident and she laughs and. And basically mocks the question and then literally calls that perspective from the journalist ridiculous and uses that word.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you think it was a fair. And then. And then she took the very positive spin of, it's so hard to win any medal. This is great. And she felt like, I'm a winner, not a loser. And she was very. She seemed resentful of the question. Do you think it was a fair question?

[A]

Well, the Japanese skater that won the silver, I just told you about, who Alyssa Liu beat, she got off the ice and she started crying, and she didn't stop crying. And you really felt like, yeah, that's what it's like. If you don't win the gold and you're at that level, it's a failure. Which is why I was so moved by Alyssa Liu, is that she went into it saying, I really don't care about the medals. I'm just so excited I came back. I'm joyous to skate. I'm glad that I'm, you know, giving other girls something to aspire to. So when she did win, it was that much better because it wasn't desperate. It's like when you see. I almost said it. It's like when you see certain comedians on stage and they're trying way too hard and she's sweat and she's. It just. It's not enjoyable to watch that. To me, I want to see somebody that's. That's enjoying themselves.

[B]

What's going on in your head right now? You seem distracted by a thought. Are you trying not to name drop someone?

[A]

Yeah, I was trying not to say somebody's name. And then I said, she.

[B]

Oh, is this someone local in la?

[A]

Oh, now you're gonna dig.

[B]

Well, I know someone. I literally have to walk out of the room and she gets so much stage time and I cannot watch it. It's the most. It's very Dane Cook in its approach of. I am going to will this. LAUGHTER and with really not great material.

[A]

Yeah, there's a feature act here. I'm at the Comedy Off Broadway Club, which, by the way, has been here. Like, I mean, Paul Reiser's headshot is on the wall that he signed while he was. So this club has been around since, like, the early 80s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the woman that's featuring for me is really funny, but she's low energy. And I go, I love it when people don't put out as much energy as they're getting back from the audience. I love that quotient. And I said, but it is rough when it's a bad crowd because, you know, like, I have a guy that opens for me sometimes and he's like that. But when it's a bad crowd, he can't, like, punch his way out of it. And so I'm playing with that. Lately I've been trying to. I've been trying to pull my energy back because, I don't know, I feel like lately I've been, like, pushing too hard and, you know, I like to just be more chill on stage.

[B]

So you're viewing your performances as a loss, not a win.

[A]

Exactly. I got the silver last night. She got the fucking gold. The feature act got the gold.

[B]

Yeah. So I think I agree with you, because my reaction to that was, why are you so defensive? I mean, you're calling the guy the question ridiculous and you're laughing out loud. And I just. I try to picture. I think it's a very fair question now, I guess she has an A. She has an antagonistic relationship with the press. So that might be the subtext of his question. Maybe he was trying to do a gotcha. But then consider this. She was the defending gold champ, winner, champion from the last Olympics. So sorry, that is a loss. You. You failed to defend your gold.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so. And a lot of champions would view that as a lot. Listen, no one is training for silver, right?

[A]

No. No.

[B]

Are you going to go to the Canadian Women's hockey team and be like, hey, congratulations on your win when they just lost the gold to the U.S.

[A]

no, look, every single week that I go to the itunes podcast charts and I see bad friends ahead of us, and it's like a fucking knife to the gut. And it happens every week.

[B]

You don't think I could do Asian jokes all day long?

[A]

Oh, Bobby's mom. Bobby's mom.

[B]

We have to say how much we love them, which we do. Genuinely. Yeah. An Irish looking Italian guy. What the fuck is going on? I know.

[A]

And an Asian guy who you know is actually funny on stage. Name another Asian guy who's funny on stage.

[B]

What are you talking about? There's tons. Who, Ronny Chang, Right?

[A]

Is he.

[B]

Oh, boy. And then. No. What's his name? I love the super low key guy. God damn it. He's super low key.

[A]

I know who you mean. Yeah, he's funny.

[B]

One of his openers once. He's like. His opener.

[A]

He's.

[B]

He was young. Maybe it was like a first Montreal or something. He's like, listen, I can't stay long. I have avocados ripening at home. And he started a bit about that. It was so funny.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, he's good. All right, enough about that.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Speaking of comedians, the Epstein files has the names of a number of comedians in there. And it's almost become like a humble brag to say, to complain that you're in the Epstein files. And I think what it was is that the Palm Beach Improv is pretty close to where Epstein's place is down there. And he used to bring.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's right across the bridge.

[A]

He used to bring friends and I think some of the girls to the shows there. And so basically, if he emailed somebody, hey, we're going to see. Actually, Whitney Cummings is one of the names. Going to see Whitney Cummings or I think Big J Okerson. And then all sudden their name is in the files. But there's one male comedian who's in there and it's not good.

[B]

I saw that.

[A]

Yeah. Not good.

[B]

Right? Are we. We're not saying who it is.

[A]

I guess we shouldn't. I don't want to be. I mean, I've already bad mouth three different comics on this show. I don't want to Google it.

[B]

We're not talking at a school where you could Google it. It's a headline, actually.

[A]

The girls were in school. That's why we're not talking about it.

[B]

Well, a lot of the emails were about, hey, let's go to the improv. It's an 18 and younger show, so it's. We can do it, guys.

[A]

The logo this week and last week came from Jane.

[B]

Jane kills it.

[A]

Jane kills it. I have so many old ones from her that I'm just waiting to get to.

[B]

I like them. Anchor man in this bobsled. What do they call the last guy in the bobsled? Isn't he the. Oh, isn't he like the most important? I guess you're steering. I guess, but I really had a. It's kind of like you're. What? You know, the car breaks down, so your wife's behind the wheel, you're pushing it. That's. That's what that is.

[A]

Yes. Unless you have an overweight wife.

[B]

Why? What do you mean that? Well, in this, the heavier you are, the faster you go.

[A]

Is that right?

[B]

Yeah. Same with skiing. Yep.

[A]

Huh. The song. We need new songs, by the way. We got a few new songs this week, which I appreciate. Need some more? Get on your guitars, your harmonicas. I don't give a shit what you play.

[B]

Acapella.

[A]

We love Acapella. Keep it simple or get crazy, but send it into fitzdogradiomail.com and we'll play your song and announce your name. Last week, I think I forgot to say Ray Man. Slanka did last week's, which was great. Oh, my God. I didn't send you this week's. I really meant to. This week's is very special.

[B]

Sorry. Ryan and Yasmeen.

[A]

And I'm gonna ask. I'm gonna ask Matt, who is our engineer, producer, editor.

[B]

Matt's great.

[A]

From Gotha Gotham Productions that does our podcasts to play the entire theme song because usually we only play like 20 seconds of it, but you got to hear the whole thing. It's Ryan and Yasmine in pink and they live in Brazil. And he said, it's my daughter on the pipes singing and me on the guitar. I am American, but English is her second language. She'll be nine in April. She loves the part where you guys say, take it Eash. We say it to each other all the time because of you guys. Huge hug.

[B]

And a nine year old is listening to this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, Ryan. Is it Ryan? Who am I talking to? Ryan.

[A]

Yeah, Ryan.

[B]

Ryan. What is it? Headphones. But headphones that aren't plugged in. That's what. That's what your daughter needs.

[A]

Exactly. Right? Yeah. We've already talked about some stuff a 9 year old shouldn't hear. But look. Yeah, it's Brazil. They grow up different in Brazil. They've still got Nazis down there.

[B]

Okay, well, now she's hearing that.

[A]

Okay, she probably has a Brazilian wax knowing the. How the girls are in Brazil.

[B]

All right, I'm pass.

[A]

All right, corrections. This is. We got hammered this past week. First from Michael. It's not Jingo. You described Connect 4.

[B]

I thought there was so much problems with your Jingo thing.

[A]

And then another guy, Mike, said, the game is not Django, you jackass. Also, the game is not played but by building a tower of wooden blocks. You play Jenga by removing blocks until the tower falls. Also, the Olympic event is biathlon. There is no. There is only one a Mike. So I guess you say biath alon.

[B]

I sure do. That's gonna be a hard one to change. Luckily, I don't throw that word around that much. I just call everyone in it by. Yeah, that just keeps it simple.

[A]

It keeps Olympic Village more exciting, too.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And. And Bob. This is all Bob Patterson, I think. Also, the medals are awarded to people on the podium, not the platform.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Also, Teddy.

[B]

What about when it's a huge team? Anyway, Go ahead. He's right, though.

[A]

It's poet Teddy Roosevelt is pronounced Roosevelt.

[B]

You do that? I never do that. Even if it's correct with other Roosevelts. Never. Never.

[A]

Nevada Smith said the Wright brothers were manufacturing bicycles with cutting edge technology. In their day, they did not make penny farthing bikes with the giant front wheels. They even used bikes for their aviation experiments. Okay.

[B]

You know, I think. I think I was half listening to you last week, and I said the weirdest thing that made no sense, because I think you said Orville and something like that, like, Orville doesn't know. And I was half listening, and I literally go, well, they know how to melt butter. Because I thought you were talking about the Popcor dude, Orville Redenbacher.

[A]

I think what we need to do on this podcast to keep you engaged with what's happening.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Is we should have the screen face down, because that's where your head is looking at your phone about 30% of the time. No, no, no. So maybe your computer screen should also be in your lap.

[B]

No, I have the script looking down. It's. I'm looking at the script below your picture. There's. Oh, yeah, I have another window if

[A]

you guys want to see me. Mike was talking about seeing me. If you want to see me, I'll be in Houston at the punchline February 26th through the 28th. Then cutting over to Fort Worth, Texas, at Hyenas March 6th and 7th. Then we will be in LA. St. Patty's Day, March 17th at the Improv. Mike will be performing. Then I'll be coming to Janesville, Wisconsin.

[B]

Actually, I'm not.

[A]

What?

[B]

I'm in New York.

[A]

No.

[B]

Should I announce that Shy. Announce my dates. I will not be at in LA on March 17th.

[A]

Okay, well, we're going to have to get somebody to fill in. Is your sister available?

[B]

She's very funny. Most people think she's funnier than I. Yep. Yep.

[A]

Then I'll be in Bakersfield, Escondido, and then Boston, coming to laugh. Boston, May 29th and 30th. And.

[B]

Oh, Olivia's gonna miss you. She's already back.

[A]

Oh, nothing is working out with me and the Gibbons family today.

[B]

No, we're avoiding you. Hey, there was one last correction there. The sounding music took place in Austria, Hitler's birthplace, not Switzerland. That's. Eric sent that in. But at the end, weren't they going over the mountain to Switzerland?

[A]

Right. Were they trying to escape the Nazis?

[B]

Do you say when or were they.

[A]

Were they.

[B]

Have you. Am I spoiling the Sound of Music? Should I not spoil what is happening here? All right. That is a very big spoiler, by the way. I won't do that.

[A]

I haven't seen that movie since I was a kid.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Is it worth seeing as an adult or is it a kids movie?

[B]

Dude, it's great. It's really, really.

[A]

It's really, really two songs from Sound to Music. Besides Sound of Music, right?

[B]

Well, you're saying the Hills Are Alive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's the Sound of music. Yeah. I'm 16 going on 17. Edelweiss. Come on. You know that's what someone used.

[A]

One more and you'll be considered a homosexual.

[B]

Woo. The. There's a problem. Like Maria. Anyway.

[A]

Chim Chimney. What about this sweep in the chimneys?

[B]

Dick Van Dyke should have made an appearance, a cameo in the Sound of Music, maybe as a German soldier. And let's hear his German accent, because his British one is very memorable. But I. That's one of the movies used against me when I would claim I hated musicals. And then someone very wise goes, well, do you like Sound of Music? I'm like, yeah. Like, did you like wizard of Oz? I'm like, yeah, of course. Like, what about the Grinch? I'm like, duh. And then it just kept going like that. What about Willy Wonka?

[A]

I'm like, of course about Oklahoma. How about Chicago?

[B]

Yeah. No, I hate both those. That's the problem. But then I. Then I saw the sound of. I mean, singing in the rain, and singing in the rain left me speechless. It was so great.

[A]

How about Grease? Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I was okay. I thought Greece is a little. A little queer. And I'm using that word accurately.

[A]

How about west side Story? Are you shitting me?

[B]

The worst. No, west side Story is the worst. It's one of the reasons I thought I hated musicals.

[A]

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet to the end from your first cigarette.

[B]

A bunch of racist Upper west side old Jewish guys are like, yeah, and the Puerto Ricans will have knives, and we'll have knives songs. Oh, shut the fuck up. Let's make them gay and super violent.

[A]

All right, listen. Every year you say you're going to get more organized, and instead you end up missing leads. You end up missing calls. Stuff falls through the cracks. One missed call. And my son is in sales now, so this is. I can send this to him. One missed call and literally you're losing out on. Could be a ton of money. So you. If you've got a team, it's even worse because now nobody knows who answered what, who followed up. There's no organization. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo. Q U O, Which I think is French for who. The smarter way to run your business. Communications. It's the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3,000 reviews built for how modern teams work. More than 90,000 businesses rely on quota stake. I bet my. I bet my son's company uses quo. Probably Stay connected. Professional. Consistently re. Re. Re. Reachable.

[B]

Your whole team AI automatically logs the calls it generates the summaries, highlights, all the next steps. I need this.

[A]

Yeah. The whole team shares one business number. And is it. No. It's unbelievable. So if you can even qualify leads or respond after hours so your business doesn't stop just because you finally did, then you got to do this. Make this the year where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Now, I know this ad doesn't apply to all of our listeners, but for the ones that do, I strongly recommend you. This is just unbelievable. Try quo for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com papers. That's Q U O.com papers. Quo. No missed calls. No missed opportunities. Maybe we should get QUO for Sunday papers. Yeah, maybe because we seem to be missing a lot of calls.

[B]

There'd be less corrections. I know that.

[A]

Does Hollywood have our number?

[B]

I don't think they. I think they lost it. Yeah.

[A]

I think we got to get quo. Well, also, let's talk about life insurance because you and I both had a very positive experience with it.

[B]

And firm baby term life insurance, that's the way to go.

[A]

Fabric by Gerber. Life is the way. It's the way to do it. It's not fun to talk about. Nobody wants to talk about passing away your kids, but if you have these kids, you know, this isn't like theoretical, like this really happens and you could. I just get nightmares thinking about what would happen if my children were homeless and my wife had to take male lovers to support the family. So, you know, you start thinking about mortgage payments, school, basic stability.

[B]

The male lovers.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I can't get past that thought.

[A]

It's not expensive, it's not hard to get. Fabric by Gerver Life is term life insurance you can get done today. Made for busy parents like you. It's all online. You do it on your schedule, right

[B]

from the couch, covered in under 10 minutes.

[A]

Under 10 minutes.

[B]

Health exam required.

[A]

If you're young and healthy, the time is now. Rates are so low, even if you have life insurance from your employer, you think you're covered. You're not. You're not. It's like nothing. It may get you enough to pay for the funeral. And that's about it.

[B]

There's also no risk. 30 day money back guarantee. And you can cancel anytime.

[A]

They have flexible, high quality policies that fit your family and your budget. Like a million dollars in coverage for less than a dollar a day. Unbelievable. So join the thousands of parents who trust fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just [e-mail] papers that's meetfabric.com papers. M E-E-T fabric.com paper papers policy issued by Western Southern Western Southern Life Insurance Company. Oh, they're very good. Not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. Mike, let's go to the front page.

[B]

Here we go. Now. Let's do it.

[A]

Okay. A group of House Democrats sent a letter to tech billionaire Elon Musk on Thursday criticizing him for releasing a reprehensible tool. And with his AI chatbot Grok, which has created sexualized deep fakes of real people without their permission or knowledge. Three Democrats asked about the undressing tool. Quote, we are deeply concerned about AI's ex AI's refusal to put a stop to the creation of non consensual sexualized images, particularly of children. See, now we're off the algorithm. Once again. We we are reporting on the news and the company that we give free content to, that hundreds of thousands of people watch and thereby are exposed to advertising. Almost all that advertising goes to this company. And we get demonetized and lose money because we're simply saying what's in the news. What is.

[B]

9 year old Brazilian girl is traumatized.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Also, you put this story in. How about don't do that?

[A]

Well, Gro said he was unaware that Grok was. Grok was unaware that Grok was generating any images of nude minors.

[B]

Bad, Grok, Bad.

[A]

A UK watchdog said dark web users were sharing criminal imagery that you. Whatever, you get the point. It's terrible. And you know, now that Epstein is gone, I guess Musk needs AI to get little girls to take their clothes off. Before, he used to just take a jet.

[B]

Wouldn't that be. Wouldn't that have been lovely if it was just an AI island, not an Epstein island?

[A]

I mean, that does bring up a question. Should this not be allowed? Because then. Well, no, but all I. Not starting with a child, but generating an AI and hear me out on this. Would that satiate.

[B]

Except the nine year old girl. Don't hear him out on this.

[A]

Would it satiate the need of these pervs?

[B]

Well, this is a famous Louis CK Saturday Night Live monologue, which is. And it was a giant hear me out. And the audience turned on him. He brought up. He floated the idea of how uncontrollable it is. Right. If you have this disease. And he then said funny stuff about that, but very edgy. And then he brought up, should there be. It's hard for me to even say it. Should there be child sex dolls? And of course the audience like booed. He goes, oh, okay, yeah, don't do that. Just keep using real, real children. Yeah, yeah, like I'm the bad guy. It was really pretty extraordinary thought.

[A]

And that's the one where he's like, it must be really.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, I wasn't going to go there. Yeah, but that's how he started it.

[A]

I mean, we are. So far. The algorithm is, is the 405 north. And we're down. We're down on the 110 east right now. Yeah, well, we're not even the neighborhood.

[B]

Most Democrats were upset at this because it's hurting the stock price and they bought it early, just like all the other Congress people. I can't believe I didn't follow Nancy

[A]

Pelosi's stock purchases up 50%, 56% this quarter.

[B]

I thought she would. The reason I didn't. Is I thought once this awareness, once this spotlight was on her, that she would curb her activity and maybe even go incredibly, like environment, like go against her normal inclination and wouldn't mind tanking it for a while just so. For appearances. And so that's why I stayed away. Nope. She made over 50%.

[A]

Well, look, all of us should have gotten into Berkshire HATHAWAY, you know, 30 years ago because that thing has gone legitimately through the roof in a spirit, in a. In a intelligent, like, regimented way.

[B]

Yeah. Conservative.

[A]

Is it conservative? I guess so. Right?

[B]

No, no, no. Conservative investing. He's not. He does. He doesn't like. He's. He's risk averse, famously. Risk averse. Very. Fundamentals. Fundamentals have to be sound. He believes in brands. He also believes in buying and holding forever in most cases, if you believe in a brand.

[A]

Right. All right, I'm gonna look at returns for Bertha. Action. Berkshire Hathaway.

[B]

Well, while you do that, I'll tell that story. Rabi Rabies wife Stephanie, who's lovely, is from Omaha. Where. Where he is from. And Buffett and Rabi. Then he's back there for Christmas. He's always back there. Christmas, they drag the three kids there. And then he sends me a picture and it's in a movie theater. And it's literally just like velvet ropes, this like long line to get popcorn. And I'm like, yeah, what that great? You're seeing a movie over Christmas break. He's like, dude, look at the guy in the red sweater. On that line. Is Warren Buffett on the line.

[A]

Didn't even buy the tickets in advance.

[B]

On the line. Again, like, you don't think he could have the best IMAX theater in his home out there? It's so great.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Inexpensive car, gets breakfast at McDonald's every day on his drive. He goes to the drive thru every day.

[A]

That's where he lives. Me. That's. He also, I think he flies coach. I don't even think the guy takes jets.

[B]

I don't know about that. Sounds like a Fitz fact to me.

[A]

All right. But here's not a fist fit.

[B]

King Charles confronted by the press.

[A]

Berkshire Hathaway has delivered an exceptional growth rate of 19.9% from 1964 to 2024, nearly doubling the S&P 500's 10.4.

[B]

I'm honestly surprised it's not higher.

[A]

It's up 104% over the last five years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, what are we doing? How do we miss that boat? I mean, it was written on the wall like, you know, this is the guy.

[B]

Hey, someone who knows financial stuff. As we're watching this country, if one believed the dollar is going to take a further clobbering, the. The value of the dollar is there. How do you hedge against that? Do you, do you just buy Euros? If so, how do you do that? It's not the same as investing in European markets. Right. Because you're still, if you're doing that through Vanguard, it's still dollars anyway, you know what I'm asking, right?

[A]

Well, you can buy precious metals, but that's been sort of baked in already. Like gold has gone up so much in the last year and a half that it seems like it's not a great bet. But yeah, you can buy Euros.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know how you escape and sidestep and separate yourself from the American dollar when you're here. Even if you're buying foreign or European stocks.

[A]

I think the Venezuelan peso is probably a good way to go.

[B]

Speaking of Europe, King Charles confronted by the press regarding brother Andrew's arrest. In a statement earlier today, the King said the law must take its course and said he learned of the news with deepest concern. Quote, what fought. What now follows is the full fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and by the appropriate authorities. He said in this, as I have said before, they have our full and wholehearted support and, and cooperation. Let me state clearly, the law must take its course. Hold on a second. How weird is England where the justice department there is not controlled by the leader.

[A]

What?

[B]

And nobody's above the law. What? This is why I don't like monarchies.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

And this is the modern monarchy, the old monarchy. I think they would just dunk him in the royal pond, see if he floats.

[B]

I think there'd be zero consequences. Kind of like here.

[A]

Well, you gotta remember we're the new royal family. Yes, but this is the, this is, you know, the royal family that for thousands of years arranged marriages with like 11 and 12 year old girls. So this is literally in the last, should we say, 125 years that they stopped arranged marriages with 12 year olds.

[B]

I think they're still pretty inbred.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I wonder if you saw that, like how many degrees of separation were recent people still alive who've like, you know, in the royal tree?

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. It's, it's a, it's a, it's a sapling. It's not a Tree.

[B]

I wonder. Like Diana and Charles. I wonder how. I wonder if they did the. You know, the DNA ancestry. I wonder.

[A]

I bet they don't allow it.

[B]

Yeah, probably not.

[A]

All right, what about the Taliban?

[B]

Taliban? Banana. You want me to read it?

[A]

Isn't it your story?

[B]

No, but I'll read it.

[A]

No, it's your story.

[B]

Nope, not. But here we go. Taliban allows men to beat wives. This is you, Greg. You written all over it. As long as they don't bruise or break the bones of said wives. The barbaric code signed into law by Supreme Leader Hibatullah. I wouldn't have put this in there. This is your story, Hibatullah. Akundaza Akunzada would still prosecute those who cause visible fractures or injuries. But the abuser would only be convicted if the woman can prove abuse in court. Showing her wounds to the judge while remaining fully covered. That's interesting. If the man is convicted, he would only face a maximum of a 15 day sentence in prison. The law also mentions that if a woman goes to her father's or another family member's house without her husband's permission and doesn't return home, they will be thrown in prison for three months. Okay, so some of these laws make sense. I wouldn't say I agree with all of them. That last one's pretty cool.

[A]

Well, it is. You mean they make sense to you that a woman should be beaten? I don't understand.

[B]

No, I think she should go to prison if she like, goes over to her dad's house without your permission. Like, rules are rules.

[A]

Well, look, in California, I mean, you can. If you cause these are physical injuries in California, if you cause codependency in your wife, you lose half your belongings. You know that.

[B]

I know that. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Well, it's no wonder. And it's no wonder these men are making the women wear so many clothes because they're trying to hide the evidence.

[B]

Well, that's the thing that got me, is she can prove her abuse in court by showing her wounds to the judge on while remaining fully covered. It sounds like it's a little rigged against her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Don't you think?

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Like, listen, you can get in the injury tent so we don't see you. Zip it up. So we cannot see you. Now show us your injuries. You can't. Well, then you've wasted the court's time.

[A]

I just think it's so fucked up that these women in so many of these countries are not allowed to vote and yet they're forced to dress as voting booths. That was in my act for a long time.

[B]

You know how many women are not gonna be allowed to vote in America this coming election?

[A]

Oh, anybody who's married and changed their

[B]

name, who don't have proof of their.

[A]

Yeah, and you need to. In order to get it right. You have to go get a passport now. But they've started to shut down passport offices.

[B]

Yeah, it's funny. Who controls that. Yeah. I wonder if there'll be delays. Oh, you're going to get it in seven weeks. Yeah, but the election's in six. Is it? Huh?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. What's this one?

[A]

All right, what do we got? Yeah, we could skip that.

[B]

Okay, let's go to the whale. Yeah, let's lighten it up a little less political. Get this, man. Humans talked with a whale. How about that? On December 12th. It's called the Whale Settee. Team SETI. They've been studying humpback whale communication systems in an effort to develop intelligence filters for the search for extraterrestrial intelligence. In response to a recorded humpback contact call played in the sea via an underwater speaker, a humpback whale named Twain approached and circled the team's boat. While responding in a conversational style to the whale greeting signal, Twain responded to each playback call and matched the interval variations between each signal. A description analysis of the encounter appears in the recent issue of this bioacoustic playback. As a tool, it's some study, and it's with the Alaskan humpback whale. And then we believe this is the first such communicative exchange between humans and humpback whales in the humpback language. Now, unfortunately, the whale named Twain kept using the N word.

[A]

No, he didn't. Yeah, because he's named Twain.

[B]

So the study's a tough read. It's a tough read. Yeah.

[A]

And he kept saying. All he kept saying is, stop staring

[B]

at my hump, my hump, my hump, my big whale humps. Yeah. So we'll see how far that gets. A dirty whale.

[A]

All right. Now, workers on Thursday began restoring an exhibit on the lives of the nine people once enslaved at the former president's house in Philadelphia amid

[B]

Philly. I just shudder every time I hear

[A]

legal fight between the city and the Trump administration. I think we're talking about George Washington.

[B]

Oh, you left that out. Doesn't matter.

[A]

Well, there were nine people enslaved by George Washington. A federal judge set a Friday deadline for the Interior Department to restore the exhibit on the people enslaved by George Washington.

[B]

Ironically, the site of the House is on Independence Mall. You know Independence Mall, where slaves live?

[A]

Yeah, right next to the Reflecting Pool, where you think about what you've done. The administration argues that it alone can decide what stories are told at National Park Service's properties. Park Service workers last month abruptly removed exhibits from the Philadelphia site, prompting the city and other supporters of the exhibit to sue. They also filled in the crack on the Liberty Bell and painted it gold.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Big T on it.

[B]

Yeah, that's what it is. Wait till. Wait till this. Hopefully, this commission will check all the Philly basements that currently contain slaves.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You know, by the way, do not go to Philly, Mike. I was there this past weekend. Thank you, everybody, for showing up. We sold out almost all the shows, and they don't like you. They really don't like you.

[B]

Wait a minute. Hateful people in Philly.

[A]

It wasn't one or two people. There was a number. There was a large number that really are upset with you.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We. They just don't roll with it and take it. Eat, you know, take it. Eastern Philly, you know? You're kidding me.

[A]

It's like you beat them in a hockey game. That's how. That's. That's the energy I was feeling off of them.

[B]

All right, all right, all right, all right. We're gonna get to the ethical question, and it is your turn.

[A]

All right, it's my turn, Mike. I will ask you two questions, okay? First one is you're driving. You're driving down the street, and you're with a friend who has an outstanding felony.

[B]

Am I sober?

[A]

We'll get to that. You're driving down the street, you're with a friend, he has an outstanding felony warrant. You have both had about three drinks.

[B]

Oh, I didn't. Sorry, I stepped on it. Okay.

[A]

You pull up to a DUI checkpoints, but you're far enough back in the line that. That your friend says he's driving. He asked you to switch seats with him and have you get behind the wheel. Do you do it?

[B]

No, I want.

[A]

He's going to go to jail. He's a felon.

[B]

If I hadn't been drinking.

[A]

Three drinks, huh? Three drinks.

[B]

Yeah. You know that. Funny. So in California, they. When they send you your driver's license, they send a little insert, and in the insert they have a chart, and it's an x, y axis, and on one axis is your weight, and the other is the amount of drinks you've had. And then they've color. They shade it to show you where you're Sober. It re. It gives me three drinks. Well, it used to when I was heavier.

[A]

Well, it also depends on how quickly you drink them, I think.

[B]

No, no, no. It's by the hour. And it was over. It was over two drinks. It was between, like, it could maybe be three.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy, right?

[A]

I'm telling you, young people don't deal with this as much because they're all smoking pot. They're not drinking drinks.

[B]

Yeah. They're supposed to be able to test for that. You can be pulled over for driving, Stone. So listen, man, three drinks. But then what? Now I have.

[A]

If he goes to jail for probably 10 years, you have to hire a lawyer or something.

[B]

As I'm about to hop over, I'm like, you're going to pay for everything. I have to pay if I get a deal? Yes, then I guess I would.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I hate having that on my record.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also, I don't know if I lie to the cop, you know, you're not supposed to, but that you can. You can refuse to answer. Have you been drinking? You don't have to answer anything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He says, other than giving him your license and all that, but you're supposed to just be like, am I free to go or am I being detained? Blah, blah, blah. I don't know how I'd handle it.

[A]

Okay. Your daughter steals a car and the car gets. The car gets. She lights it on fire on a side street in a bad part of town and then walks home. The police track her down. There's a very fuzzy, grainy footage of her driving. They can't prove it, but she's charged. And you go to the hearing and you are her alibi that night. Would you lie under oath and say that your daughter was home with you while she was actually out stealing and burning a car?

[B]

This isn't a good answer, but I'd want to make sure it was bulletproof lie. And then I would. I think for this to be a real hypothetical, you have to kind of like the stop sign in the middle of nowhere. There's no chance you're not going to get pulled over or ticket. Do you stop?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if you're like, there's. You will get away with this lie. I would.

[A]

Speaking of stop sign in the middle of nowhere, my office at my house, you know, is up on Airport Avenue where the airport is, the local airport, the Santa Monica airport. Anyway, there were probably five stop signs between my office and the bottom of the hill. But that. That. But that street has no intersections. There's there's no other intersecting.

[B]

So I would never stopped at one of those.

[A]

I. Oh, I was just gonna say that. I. Literally, for years, I never stopped at one. One of those stop signs.

[B]

Sometimes there's a cop in there watching.

[A]

But I. But I said to myself, one day, I'm going to get a ticket. But if I divide that ticket by the number of times I just flowed down that street, gladly pay it.

[B]

Well, that's what I say when I would put the mannequin in my passenger seat to get to Burbank, is.

[A]

Yeah, but what was weird is then you would bring it into your apartment when you got home.

[B]

I'd also sit in the car with it sometimes because I felt it would get lonely for me. But, yeah, I counted that as therapy sessions. No, but first of all, it's not a moving violation. It's just a fine or whatever they call it. And so that's big. So no points or anything like that. And then I did the same thing as you. I put it over how many times I got away with it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, for the year, would I pay $350 to take that carpool lane? Probably. When I worked in Burbank, like, it was killing me.

[A]

Sure. Meanwhile, all you need is tinted windows. Really?

[B]

That's true, too. Yeah.

[A]

All right, let's get to some entertainment.

[B]

Entertainment. Here, hold on. Let me crinkle the crinkle, buddy. There we go.

[A]

So my daughter. This should be an ethical question also, is that I have been having a Woody Allen fit film festival for, like, six months with my daughter because I think they're, like, the greatest movies ever made. Is it wrong to show your daughter Woody Allen movies?

[B]

No.

[A]

I know how you feel about Woody Allen. You're. You're a neat. You're a Woody apologist.

[B]

I let him babysit. Come on. Yeah, that's one of the great lines that. When they found Woody Allen's name. When they found Woody Allen's name. And I want to credit the standup who I saw do this. It came across my feed when they found Woody Allen's name in the Epstein Files. The guy goes, I just don't think that Woody would cheat on his daughter.

[A]

So good. So anyway, we watched Crimes and Misdemeanors this past week, and it really is like, I'd put it in his top three movies.

[B]

Crimes and Misdemeanors is fantastic, and it's

[A]

only got a half a dozen laughs in the whole movie. It's really just like. It's an exploration of God and kind of Exactly. Do you stop at a stop sign on a deserted road that is essentially the heart of the movie.

[B]

Well, to take a little away from him, which I'm sure a lot of people are rooting for. That A Crime and Punishment is what it's. I think, based on the great Russian novel, if I recall it right. Yeah. In that novel, there's a very mean. I think it was a land lady or landlord, and incredibly cruel and mean. Anyway, he sets it up where, boy, you would like to kill that person. But then is it right. It's exactly what Woody Allen did here. He made her so killable that you were like, yeah, the world would be better if she weren't in it.

[A]

Well, yes and no. He also was humanizer, though. He loved her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, not. And he loved her more than his wife. And he. It was. He chose between his wife, who was, you know, he was very into his family. He was very committed to the friendship he had with his wife. But he had passion and romance with this other woman, but she was stalking him.

[B]

Oh, that's what it was. I forgot. So it was a threat. It wasn't that the world would be a better place. It was a threat that was gonna undo his life.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Which makes it probably less forgivable. Definitely less forgivable.

[B]

On a much lighter note, I, out of nowhere, decided to watch the movie Moonstruck.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It is close to flawless. It's great.

[A]

Danny Aiello.

[B]

Oh, yeah. But he. Very little. He's in Italy the whole time. I mean, you really have to overlook some of the horrible special effects, like with the moon and all that. Your twin towers. So the spoiler is still in effect. Twin towers are up and thriving in the movie. And another one I started was Lonesome Dove because of the great Robert Duvall, who we'll talk about in obituaries. And, boy, you have to excuse some very primitive special effects in that one also. But I've. I've never read it. It won the Pulitzer. I really want to, but I also heard this series with Duvall is extraordinary. So I'm in.

[A]

All right. Also, shout out to Taron, which is such a great series. Check it out. All right, let's go to Florida.

[B]

Okay. Let's do it, man. Let's make America. Florida. A newly released police report shows police believe a father and son were arguing over dog walking. Who was going to take the dog on a walk before the son fatally shot the father? They really don't want to go outside Port St. Lucie. Police said Sheldon Morrison killed His father, Glenn Morrison, shortly before 8am Wednesday morning inside the family garage. So is it just me? Was everybody assuming this was a late night walk?

[A]

Maybe it was after a long night. Yeah. 8:00am Usually you're sort of like, you got your bearings a little bit. You're not worn down yet. Life hasn't kicked your ass yet.

[B]

Also, those walks are less annoying. Presumably the dog made it through the whole night. It's like, yeah, he's got to get out. It's not like you want to go out again, you know, late at night.

[A]

It's also Florida. It's not like it's Chicago in January and you're forced to go outside with the dog. I wonder if, you know, usually when you. When somebody dies, they shit their pants. Do you think the son cleaned up

[B]

after the dad with doggy bags? Do you think you just kept picking up the dad?

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Also, if you have the energy to kill your dad, you can stand by a dog as it poops, right?

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

I don't think he thought it would convince me.

[A]

I'm with you.

[B]

Oh, man. Look what we're about to do. We are about to make America Philly again. Here it comes, y'. All. A Philadelphia creep, redundant, was caught on camera heartlessly mugging a woman. Heartlessly is also redundant. Mugging a woman as she used a cane to hobble to a bus stop and dragging the victim.

[A]

What fucking. Did Hemingway write this? Use the cane to hobble? Like, who wrote this?

[B]

I don't know, but I love artful writing about how horrible Philly is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then the guy dragged the victim in order to snatch her purse. The victim was dragged for a short distance before the thief made his getaway because the. The bell tolled for he, he and he made off with the woman's cash, her Galaxy 9 phone, keys and ID. A similar robbery in northeast Philly occurred just a few weeks ago when a 67 year old woman was robbed and attacked with a stun gun while waiting for a bus. They're animals.

[A]

They're animals, but at least if you use a stun gun on an old lady, she's got the defibrillator built into her chest already, okay? She can handle the shock.

[B]

Were the Eagles even playing when these crimes took place? I don't understand it.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Unmotivated.

[A]

It is. It is really a different kind of a thief that that steal. Like that was a thing in the seventies in New York City. It's back when everybody used to carry cash more, but old ladies got mugged with Alarming frequency.

[B]

Do you remember? It was in Soho. So I lived in a building and it was. Who was the gangster who walked around in his bathrobe? I used. He. He owned my building at one point.

[A]

Genovese.

[B]

No, no, no, no. He had a nickname. Google it while I talk. Google New York gangster bathrobe. Let's see if that gets it. So his. A guy decided to mug a woman in. Near me in soho. But it was like, poor Soho, right? So she's an old Italian woman, and she's walking on. He grabs her purse. She decides not to let go. She has it in the crook of her elbow, and he drags her and it hurts her. He then finds out in the police station it was the gangster's mom. Oh, what's his name? Did you get it?

[A]

Vincent Gigante the Chin.

[B]

Vinnie the Chin. That's who that is. So in the police station, all the police start laughing and. And the guy goes. The guy's like, claiming, oh, you know, I didn't agree. You don't have. And anyway, they're like, hey, you know whose mom that is? And they all start dying laughing. That's Vinnie the Chin's mom. He literally begged to go to jail. Begged. He's like, I did it. Don't release me. Like, keep it. I'm not making bail. Keep me here, keep me here, keep me here.

[A]

The New York Post used to call that guy the odd father.

[B]

So the reason he's in, just to explain everybody, the reason he's in a bathrobe is to get out of serving time for something he was found guilty on. He pretended he was out of it and mentally unfit. And he would wear a bathrobe to trial. And I kind of have. I have the image of the old guy ringing the bell on Breaking Bad, you know, like that. And, like. And he would wear it, and literally you'd walk around the neighborhood in his bathrobe.

[A]

But then he would get picked up at night, and he'd be wearing, like, a shark skin suit. And he would go out to, you know, the private guinea clubs that they'd all hang out at.

[B]

If he had still owned my building, you know, because I pulled a little fast one on my landlord when he sold the building. New guy and whatever. I stayed there. And then he tried to sue me and kicked me out. I won in court. There would not have been a court where the guy was trying to kick me out of the apartment. Vinnie would have knocked on my door, and I would have said, yes, sir, yes, I'll be gone. In the morning.

[A]

All right, let's get down to a little this day in history.

[B]

Here it comes. All right. This day in history. Here we go. It's a lot of guns in this. Okay. Congress bans dueling in Washington D.C. so on this day, Congress made dueling a felony punishable by up to 10 years of hard labor. The tipping point of the bill came in, I can't say the year when the Kentucky Rep, William Graves and Maine Rep. Jonathan Siley had dueled, which had led to Siles death by Graves hand. What year, Greg, do you think Washington D.C. banned dueling? Give or take 40 years.

[A]

It will be funny if the punishment was to be shot, I would say. Well, let's see. Aaron Van Burr. What was his name? Burr. Yeah, Burr and Hamilton. They dueled. That must have been in like.

[B]

But Aaron Burr.

[A]

That must have been in like pushing 1790. So I would say shortly after that I'm going to say 1810.

[B]

Good for you, man. 1839.

[A]

There we go. Just made it.

[B]

Look at that. Let's see now I'm going to keep the gun theme going. Very sadly, black revolutionary leader Malcolm X was assassinated while giving a speech in Manhattan. Give or take two years. What year do you think we Lost Malcolm X?

[A]

67.

[B]

Very good. 65. I didn't know it was that early. Are you still with us, Greg?

[A]

Yeah, I was just thinking about. So Martin Luther King must have been like 64. 60. Oh, that was. Oh, he was later. Right, right, right, right, right. Okay.

[B]

Robert Kennedy Kennedy was 64 and MLK were both 68. Very close obviously to each other. Okay. The American weekly magazine the New Yorker began publication under Harold W. Ross this week. In what year? Give or take 15 years.

[A]

Well, I just saw the documentary about the 100 anniversary of it, so I'm going to go with 1925.

[B]

It is 1925.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Look at you.

[A]

I'm on fire. I'm three for three.

[B]

Normally documentaries don't help you that much. You've seen a lot especially I'm forgetting like on Joan of Arc and stuff. And you're horrible.

[A]

Great documentary.

[B]

Sorry, I wanted to keep the gun. I wanted to keep the gun theme going.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Hunter S. Thompson, creator of gonzo journalism. He died of a self inflicted gunshot wound on this day. In what year? Give or take five years?

[A]

1976.

[B]

So close. 2005.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Yeah, it was more recent than I thought also.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I wonder if he's drinking and doing drugs all those years.

[B]

I know. Let's find one more. That hopefully you get wrong. Let's see. Okay. The Washington Monument was dedicated on the grounds of the MALL In Washington, D.C. it is the world's still the world's tallest masonry structure, give or take 15 years. When was the Washington Monument dedicated? That's not a trick question. It's when it opened.

[A]

Also 1890.

[B]

Look at you. 1885.

[A]

Nice. There we go.

[B]

What made you put it there?

[A]

Well, I knew it was after Washington died, but I also knew that it was new enough that it had to rival tall buildings. And so I was thinking about the turn of the century.

[B]

All right, you did it, sir. You did it. How about the Communist Manifesto? I'm gonna do this one because this one shot Communist Manifesto written by Karl Marx and Frederick Engels was first published. It was a pamphlet, which is very inviting. I would have read a pamphlet especially back then, give or take 20 years. When do you think the Communist Manifesto was first published?

[A]

1900.

[B]

Same. I was leaning late. It's 1848.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

I mean, they're talking about the relationship. Labor's relationship to products and how impersonal it can be and. And it can be isolating, and you lose your sense of purpose.

[A]

Capitalism. And I know, manufacturing. Wow.

[B]

Amazing. Yeah. No, that's what I was. Very surprised.

[A]

All right. See, like, I'm doing really well, and then you feel like you got to keep going until I get a few wrongs. Does that make you feel good?

[B]

It does. In fact, I told you I was rooting for it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, here we go. We're going to obituaries, right?

[A]

Yeah, we'll do it. We'll do them quick.

[B]

Get to a pally.

[A]

All right. I'm gonna talk about Jesse Jackson, who was a guy who, you know, growing up in New York, I guess. I mean, look, nationally, he was big, but I just remember he was in the paper all the time, and it was like he was such a. First of all, my best memory of him is on Saturday Night Live when he does Green eggs and ham. The Dr. Seuss thing.

[B]

So great.

[A]

So great. But basically, this guy started out down south, and, you know, he experienced segregation like, you know, any black person who grew up in. I think he was from South Carolina. And, you know, he was. He actually got a. He got. He had a contract to play minor league baseball, and he turned it down so that he could finish college. I think he almost might have gotten a master's or. He almost got a master's. And then he started doing stuff with Martin Luther King.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

He did the march on Selma and Montgomery, he was, you know, the sclc. He was the Southern Christian Leadership Conference founder. I think maybe not the founder, but I think he was. Early on he was one of the leaders of it. Anyway, on and on he led protests and, you know, eventually ran for president twice in 97. No, in 80. What year was it? 84 and 88. He ran for president and did pretty well, actually. And he was the first black man to run for president since the Reconstruction era. I remember Eddie Murphy had a funny routine about showing Jesse Jackson on stage giving his acceptance speech for president. And he was. Had his head down and he was like darting back and forth around the stage.

[B]

I showed that to my girls in, like during Obama's second term. They could not believe how dark that was.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But anyway, extraordinary man. One of the most important people in the history of this country. And kept. Kept, you know, just kept pushing, just kept fighting.

[B]

This might be a Gibbons fact, but I have a memory. When you talk about dirty politics, I have a memory that Republicans gave money like, I don't know if it was anonymously or however they did it, but they donated to Jesse Jackson's campaign because they wanted him to mess up. They thought he was unelectable, but they wanted him to gain steam and primary strong and disrupt the Democratic Party.

[A]

Yes, that sounds right to me. That sounds very familiar to me. But then again, who you're talking to right now.

[B]

That's true. So given the fact just collided with a Fitz fact.

[A]

Yes, that makes sense. Anyway. And I also alluded to, like, really reading about him a lot in New York in the papers, but he actually lived in Chicago. But I don't know why he was. Maybe he was in New York a lot, but I always associated him with living in New York at one point. Anyway, who else died?

[B]

We also lost Robert Duvall. And I'm just looking up. I mean, there's a lot of go to movies, so I've never seen the Apostle. That's not possible.

[A]

He produced that as well.

[B]

And I know he and Billy Bob because he was in Sling Blade, I believe, or he's affiliated. Maybe he's a producer, but I think he might be in Sling Blade. Billy Bob told a funny story. And oh, this is interesting. I saw Craig Kilborn this week too. So Billy Bob told the story and he goes. He goes, yeah, so he didn't really like talking about Kraft that much. And he goes. And he had a very like, kind of simple approach. But what he loved to talk about was. Was meat any chance he could. And Billy Bob goes, so meanwhile, I'm hanging out with him. He talks about meat so much, and I have to think about things to feign my interest because I've been vegan for 18 years. And he goes, if he knew I was. If he knew I ordered quinoa as my main dish, he would stop talking to me.

[A]

Yeah, it's hilarious.

[B]

And he talked about sometimes it would be foursome. Anyway, the Kilborn part was he was a guest of ours, and we were so incredibly flattered that he did our show. And I remember Craig called me up during the commercial break, and they were talking about steaks and Robert Duvall and I might still have it out of his wallet, gave me a steak place in Kansas City. And he goes, f all the rest. This is where you want to get your meat shipped from.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yep. So it was funny to hear Billy Bob say all he wanted to do is talk about meat. My only interaction with the man ever, he gave me a card on where to get my steaks.

[A]

Hilarious.

[B]

Yeah. But amazing actor.

[A]

So amazing actor. And also, the way he led his career. Like, first of all, he had an awful name. Like, he's one of those names that you always go, what's that guy's that actor? I love that actor. What's his name? And like, Kevin Spacey has a name like that. You just can't conjure it up when you want it. But he really didn't go after celebrity or fame. He really was about the work.

[B]

God, I mean. Oh, I didn't know. He was in the original true grit in 69. He started in 62 and to kill a Mockingbird. Dude. He was in Bullet. He was in MASH. I did not know that. He was in THX 1138. That was the. That was what's His Face from Star Wars. I believe that was his first film before Star Wars.

[A]

George.

[B]

Yeah. George's first film. The Godfather, obviously. Trilogy and everything. The outfit, the Conversation, which is a great movie. All the Godfathers, the breakout network, which never leaves my top five movies. He's amazing in that. The Eagle Has Landed, Apocalypse now, the Great Santini, True Confessions, the Pursuit of

[A]

an Oscar for Great Santini. Didn't he?

[B]

I don't know. Look up what he got because I'll keep reading the now. He often played bad guys. The natural colors. Let's get Harry. Handmaid's Tale. Wow. Tender Mercies, Lonesome Dove, Falling Down. I remember he was the cop. He was a badass cop. And Falling down the Paper. Geronimo. It just goes on and on it's really crazy. Sling Blade, the Apostle, the Gingerbread Man, A Civil Action.

[A]

He was nominated for seven Oscars and won four Tender Mercies.

[B]

Right. I remember him on stage because I remember Johnny Cash was in the crowd and he thanked those guys. He thanked Willie Whalen, Johnny. And he said that their. Their approval was equal to the critical acclaim and it would not exist. Yeah. And then.

[A]

All right, well, let's cheer up. Let's cheer up. Let's go to the funny section. Give me a crinkle.

[B]

Let's go, baby. Here we go.

[A]

Okay, as you know, the comedy caption contest happens every week. I give you guys one frame of a cartoon, you write in some punchlines, you send them to fitzdogradiomail.com, put your name right underneath your little punchline, we select some of our favorites, and the number one pick gets a koozie sent to you in sometime in the next 18 months by Mr. Mike Gibbons Jr. This week we had a cartoon of two snowmen. They look sad. It's a sunny day out, and there is a friend of theirs is another snowman who's completely melted, except for the top side of his head. You just see the carrot, the stick arms, and a hat on his head. And he's. And there's a puddle all around him. And Sean's joke was, fuck you, Jack.

[B]

Okay. Is that Jack Frost?

[A]

I guess so.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Matt says, where's ice when you need them?

[B]

Nope. You know, there's a little thing that you do is when you're trying to create a joke is you try to ignore the first impulse.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Lane said, I'm gonna kill that groundhog. He said, we had time.

[B]

Yeah, very literal. Okay.

[A]

Lane Daniel said, oh, no. Frosty has gone into liquidation.

[B]

Okay. I mean, you're okay.

[A]

Rob Mitchell said, it's hard to see dad like this, but cheer up, the dow is over 50,000 right now.

[B]

That's kind of funny.

[A]

Jane said snowmen caption. Hell of a meltdown, but not as bad as Pam Bondi's.

[B]

Think the 50,000 did it. That did it. Much better.

[A]

Danford said, Goddamn TikTok challenge.

[B]

Yeah. It's almost like the Ice Plunge or wherever the hell it was.

[A]

I think it's. I think it's a couple steps better than that. Ron Dvorak said. He said he had a hot girlfriend. I didn't believe him.

[B]

Yeah, no.

[A]

Sam said. They said his wife was a squirter.

[B]

Okay. And that melted him, I guess, because it's pee.

[A]

Chili B. Said Patty. And then in Parentheses. It's because Patty melts.

[B]

Very good explanation.

[A]

That would made me laugh out loud. Yeah, Neil Cross says, ralph just needs to chill out, man. Okay, that's it.

[B]

I like the 50,000.

[A]

Rob Mitchell, congratulations to you. The punchline was, it's hard to see dad like this, but cheer up. The dow is over 50,000 right now.

[B]

I mean, that meme was used a lot for other things, but I liked it here.

[A]

All right, next week's caption or cartoon is. It's a woman. She's in a cocktail dress. She looks like she's lived hard. She's got a cigarette dangling out of her mouth and high heeled shoes. She's sitting on a bar stool in front of a slot machine. She has an intravenous feed going into her arm, and the bag that normally holds the saline solution says gin and tonic on it.

[B]

Mm. So this might be a few addictions here. Yeah.

[A]

Yes. Yes. This is dark. This is dark. Oh, I just realized I forgot to pull my comics for this week.

[B]

No worries. We don't need them this week. I have a very funny onion we can go out.

[A]

Okay, good. Let's do that.

[B]

Here's the onion. You see the Supreme Court justices, and then the headline is, trump suffers setback unrelated to child rape. And I'm going to go with that word because I guess we're so far off the algorithm.

[A]

So far off the algorithm. But thank you guys for joining us anyway. We appreciate you. Thank you to Gotham Productions for doing a great job. And really, we're seeing the numbers go up, and they're no small part of that. We also want to thank our sponsors this week. Quo Q U O. Go to quo.com papers and get yourself 20% off your first six months. Also, fabric by Gerber Life. Go to meetfabric.com papers and you're going to get yourself. I don't know if you get anything, but it gives us credit for having heard this on. On this podcast. So make sure you check it out and put in that code. All right, that's it, Mike. All right, pleasure.

[B]

Listen, I'm gonna go watch Canada's hockey game. And now the US's hockey game is probably just completed.

[A]

All right, no spoilers.

[B]

No spoilers, everybody spoilers. All right, Take kiddish.

[A]

Take it Eash. Monday, Tuesday, time to work. Wednesday, Thursday, Almost there. Friday, Saturday, time to party.

[B]

And a Sunday is the time for Sunday. Paper tickety.

[A]

Greg and Mike, when patient care is your top priority, you need a proven workforce solutions partner who can deliver it all and deliver it right. AMN Healthcare brings together technology and talent into one seamless solution. Trusted by more than 2,000 health systems across the country. We help organizations make smarter data driven decisions and improve patient outcomes. AMN Healthcare One Partner Complete Workforce Solutions Discover how we are empowering the future of [e-mail] well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift, well, Mint Mobile is extended, extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now, you call it an early present for next year. What do you have to lose? Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time 50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required 45 for 3 months, $90 for 6 month or 180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy. See terms.