Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 303 3/01/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Episode 303 (March 1, 2026)
Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons
Produced by Gotham Production Studios – The Gotham Network

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Greg and Mike bring listeners another classic edition of "Sunday Papers," blending sharp-witted banter, personal stories, and biting commentary on current events. From ski trips with old friends to the realities of aging parents, from bizarre Florida stories to serious news about U.S.–Iran tensions, the duo delivers a whirlwind tour of the week's headlines, laced with their signature humor, pointed observations, and occasional audience participation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up: Old Friends, Skiing, and Aging (01:39–06:40)

• Mike checks in from Wyoming after a ski trip with three high school/college friends, recounting old connections and college stories, including how he met Greg via mutual roommates.
• Discussion about the physical realities of skiing into their late 50s: “It’s actually pretty astounding that four guys your age that have skied together for 40 years are still all functioning at a level where you can fucking ski. I mean, that's pretty demanding.” (Greg, 04:18)
• Hilarious and relatable tales about wearing more and more protective gear each year (“putting on the foil, coach” per Mike, 04:04).
• Segue into nostalgia—Greg laments missing out on a post-college Turks and Caicos trip because of work, emphasizing the importance of seizing the moment.

2. Texas, Cheer Events, and Uncomfortable Situations (08:23–11:00)

• Greg shares observations from his Houston hotel, where a pre-teen cheerleading convention is taking place. He reflects on the uncomfortable hyper-sexualization and the potential dangers of judgmental Texan dads.
  • Memorable Quote: “If I feel like I'm on Epstein’s island against my will—just like Bill Clinton.” (Greg, 09:44)
• Shares an anecdote about sending a photo of the scene to dark-humored friends, quickly realizing even they wanted no part of it.

3. Golf Course Drama & Local Characters (11:22–12:55)

• Updates on the infamous Penmar golf course starter: “She is a cunts. There we go off the algorithm, and there are yelling, screaming fights with her every week.” (Greg, 11:35)
• The ongoing saga to get her removed, with both hosts sharing past run-ins and the general community drama it stirs up.

4. Corrections, Listener Feedback, Spoilers, and Ethical Dilemmas (17:02–19:12)

• Greg addresses minor language corrections and a complaint from listener Barbara regarding spoilers in group sports chat threads.
• The ongoing thread about whether friends should switch seats at a DUI checkpoint—listeners weigh in with legal/ethical objections.

5. News Roundup – Front Page (21:42–29:16)

Major Segments:

• U.S.–Iran Military Action: Extensive discussion on recent U.S. and Israeli attacks on Iran. The hosts riff on cable news coverage’s cheerleading tone and parse the political divides between those who say “Iran” vs. “Eye-ran”.
  • Quote: “They say there may be collateral damage from the peacekeeping missiles and obviously some friendly fire. It sounds like there’s a Fourth of July picnic happening.” (Greg, 24:03)
• Neanderthal Interbreeding Studies: The duo pivots to new genetic evidence suggesting Neanderthal-human interbreeding skewed male Neanderthal/female human, which prompts jokes about pit bulls and Irish-Italian marriages in Boston.
  • Mike’s pit bull joke: “Am I the only one, when you see a mixed pit bull…think it’s a product of rape?” (25:15)
• ICE Raid at Columbia University: Critical take on federal agents lying to access a dorm room—Greg riffs on the lengths he went to get into women’s dorms ‘back in the day’, referencing Bosom Buddies (28:29).
• Clinton & the Epstein Files: The former president testifies to Congress amid Epstein investigations—full of Greg’s classic snarks.
  • “He’s familiar with that phrase [‘against their will’]—like how he showed his cock to Paula Jones.” (Greg, 30:18)
  • Joke: “Hillary Clinton says she only recalls meeting Epstein that one time when she murdered him.” (Internet, 31:36)

6. Ethical Questions Segment (31:58–37:44)

• Aging & Driving: Mike and Greg draw parallels to their own parents—how and when to take the car keys from an elderly parent, suggesting regular retesting after age 78.
  • “You can’t imagine taking that away from somebody, their freedom, you know?” (Greg, 32:33)
• Family Business Dilemma: Advice for young people inheriting a business but clashing with family members—“Shut the fuck up, get the keys to that company.” (Greg, 36:19)

7. Entertainment & Media Landscape (37:46–43:38)

• Review of Hamnet: Greg found it a powerful tearjerker; Mike, less affected, felt it was overhyped and sidestepped the iconic playwriting aspects of Shakespeare’s story.
• Paramount/Skydance/Warner Bros. Merger: “It’s basically down to two companies now. And I cannot see how unions survive. I can’t even see how there’s a writer’s guild in ten years, maybe five.” (Dan, 42:14)
• Hollywood’s Future: Concerns about corporate consolidation eroding creativity, labor protections, and news independence.

8. Florida & Kentucky Man News (43:46–48:46)

• Florida Quicksand Rescue: Man depressed after a breakup survived several days trapped—“Valentine’s Day launches a lot of marriage proposals, and in Florida, a lot of manhunts.” (Greg, 45:07). Jokes about ‘70s and ‘80s fears of quicksand.
• Kentucky Man Sexes Dead Deer: Wild headline inspires shock, puns, and a discussion of legal distinctions between sex with dead vs. live animals (“It adds another layer to it, doesn’t it?” Greg, 47:53).

9. This Day in History (48:52–52:08)

• Banter-filled quiz about Yellowstone’s founding, Bieber’s birth year, Hoover Dam, Ron Howard’s birthday, and the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. Greg’s history knowledge is on point this week.

10. Obituary: Neil Sedaka (52:08–53:42)

• Tributes to the prolific songwriter behind “Breaking Up is Hard To Do,” “Laughter in the Rain,” and “Love Will Keep Us Together.”
• “He wrote some corny ass songs, but they were catchy… they’re baked into my psyche as a young kid.” (Greg, 52:36)

11. The Funnies & Comedy Caption Contest (53:48–61:07)

• Caption Contest: Listeners submit punchlines for a slot machine cartoon; the favorite is an in-podcast reference to Greg in Vegas.
• Classic Strips: Hagar, Lockhorns, and Blondie all get the riff treatment. Standout: “Even the lobsters were rapists back in the 1400s.” (Greg, 57:26)
• The Onion: Satirical cartoons take aim at Netanyahu and Trump’s “strongly worded check.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You push 60 and it’s like putting on the foil, coach—the amount of pads and stuff…” (Mike, 04:04)
• “If I feel like I’m on Epstein’s island against my will—just like Bill Clinton.” (Greg, 09:44)
• “She is a cunts. There we go off the algorithm…” (Greg re: Penmar golf starter, 11:35)
• “Are you kidding me? ICE is looking for a child? Are they trying to get in the Epstein files?” (Dan, 28:48)
• “You never see a greyhound-pitbull mix because greyhounds are too fast. They got away.” (Dan, 25:38)
• “Take the family business. It’s already up and running… Waaah. Shut the fuck up. Get the keys.” (Greg, 36:19)
• “I cannot see how unions survive. I can't see how there's even a Writers Guild in 10 years, maybe five.” (Mike, 42:14)
• “Valentine’s Day launches a lot of marriage proposals, and in Florida, a lot of manhunts.” (Greg, 45:07)
• “Is it more illegal to have sex with a dead animal or a live animal?” (Greg, 47:48)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:39–06:40: Skiing, friendship, and aging
• 08:23–11:00: Cheerleader convention in Texas; hotel awkwardness
• 11:22–12:55: Golf course starter drama
• 17:02–19:12: Listener feedback and ethical dilemma (DUI checkpoint)
• 21:42–29:16: Major headlines – Iran strike, Neanderthal research, ICE raid, Clinton testimony
• 31:58–37:44: Ethical questions: elderly drivers, family business management
• 37:46–43:38: Entertainment: “Hamnet” review, Paramount/Skydance merger, future of Hollywood
• 43:46–48:46: Florida man in quicksand, Kentucky deer story
• 48:52–52:08: This Day in History quiz
• 52:08–53:42: Obituary: remembering Neil Sedaka
• 53:48–61:07: The Funnies, caption contest, and comic riffing

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Tone & Style

• Conversational, irreverent, and relentlessly self-deprecating.
• Heavy with asides, in-jokes, callbacks to earlier episodes, and engagement with the listener community.
• Willing to tackle dark, uncomfortable, or controversial news with unfiltered humor.
• Nostalgia, cultural references, and audience interaction woven throughout.

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This episode is a masterclass in the “Sunday Papers” blend of news and nonsense—balancing intellect, social commentary, and schoolyard-level teasing. The result: laugh-out-loud moments, sharp insights, and a sense of camaraderie that listeners come back for each week.

Transcript

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Dan]

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[Podcast Announcer]

Papers podcast is the podcast that broadcast the news on Sunday. Greg and Mike will read that news, and Mike and Greg will get confused while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers flopping on your doorstep on a beautiful Sunday morning. Early

[Dan]

it is. Early it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You look very hazy. Your wifi is not great, I'm assuming.

[Dan]

Oh, I didn't know that. I'm in Wyoming. They have WI fi. They just got it a couple of weeks ago, but it says full cells. But I think I might look hazy. I'm. I'm not doing so hot. And then I'm rushing to the airport after this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Were you drinking alcohol last night?

[Dan]

That might have been happening. We're in. We're in Wilson, Wyoming, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What else we're gonna do? Take the listeners. Take the listeners through your last few days.

[Dan]

Oh, it's been really fun. Your old roommate from College is about 30ft away from me in the kitchen. Peter Scott. And he'll come say hi. And. And then Dudley came up. He drove up from. From Salt Lake City. And I'm here at Jack, my other roommate from college. Yeah, and Jack, we're at Jack Stouts in Wyoming. So these three guys I went to high school with. And then that is how we met. You roomed in college with the. With Peters in the kitchen and Dudley, who left yesterday back to salt. And then that's how I met you. Is you just by chance roomed with guys I went to high school with when you were at bu.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And good guys, real quality guys. I'm very jealous. How's the skiing?

[Dan]

Skiing's good. They got snow. So, you know, the west is kind of trying to come out of this hole. It's been the worst, worst ski winner ever. I think on record speaking to bu, by the way. So some. It was like someone in the cafeteria or whatever, one of the restaurants at the mountain, she had a BC Boston College sweatshirt on. And Jack was next to me and I'm like, bc, hi. I went to bu. And she, like, didn't even look up. She's like, sucks to be you. And I had never heard that one somehow. But it was very quick and pretty funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just like to see that a bunch of guys pushing 60 are still hitting on college girls. Girls working in the casting.

[Dan]

Yeah, that's exactly right. I did mention that. Didn't even look up. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, yes.

[Dan]

What's also going on is the 60 year olds are like, you wouldn't believe. It was like I was like putting on the foil, coach. The amount of pads and stuff I was putting on just to go out skiing, like the knee brace, all this stuff. But it worked out great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's actually pretty astounding that four guys your age that have skied together for 40 years are still all functioning at a level where you can fucking ski. I mean, that's pretty demanding.

[Dan]

Oh, no. Yeah. And we push. I mean, that's what happens. We get here and then Pete and I, who ski, you know, a handful of days a year. I didn't even ski last year. So it's been anyway. And you know, we're going to the top and Jackson Hole has as much as you want to take, you know, like. And we didn't drop into Corbett's. I think those days are behind us. But we, like watched people just flail and fall into Corbett's Coolar, which now has its own. So anyway, if you guys want to check out summer Jackson Hole search on Instagram, I guess, for Corbet and it'll pop up because it's gotten very popular because almost, I'd say half the people that drop in wipe out. Maybe more.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Dan]

Yeah, it's at Times, it depends on the snow, but it's kind of vertical. So when you drop in, unlike even. Hopefully this isn't too boring for non skiers. But unlike the steepest thing at Mammoth, which, you know, you kind of just. It's really steep. This when you're like, okay, I'm going to go now. You drop sometimes 10. Your skis don't hit snow for 10ft. Yeah, it's like, truly vertical.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm glad it's going well. I'm. I just. It's just as times like this where I realized, like, in my life that I am stuck in hotel rooms on the road, and I would have loved to go. And I just, like, I remember there was a weekend where you and Dan Brickner went to a Club Med during, like, we were out of college and you guys went to a Club Med. Do you remember this?

[Dan]

Maybe at Turks and Caicos, I think?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it was Turks and Caicos because

[Dan]

Jerry, my college roommate, was a counselor there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. That's what it was. So you guys invited me, and I was doing like a bunch of college shows in January in the Midwest, and the show sucked. And when I was at that point in my career where I was just so happy to be getting paid and, like, so I didn't take the time. And it's like, literally one of those things, I look back in my life, like, why didn't you go to fucking Turks and Caicos with those guys?

[Dan]

Right. Well, we told the story last night. That was Jerry finding a job. But we were worried about our buddy Dan Brickner in Philly. And I've told this story before, but it just. And Dudley still has that mind, man. Like, it's only every. You know, everyone has one friend in the group who's like, that is only something that person could say. Or, that's the only. Only that guy could have that take on something. And I remember Dan was having trouble getting things started, didn't know what he wanted to do. It's right after college, all that. And he was then thinking of joining the Marines. And I'm like, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. So, nothing against Marines, but it's not Dan Brickner, right? So I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So anyway, it was a thing we're all involved and cared about, like, where Dan would wind up. And then he had this big announcement, and he was so psyched. And he goes, my brother in law, he goes, my brother in law has this commercial real estate firm, and it's big box stores. Like, we buy Leases for Costco and all that stuff. Anyway, he's given me a chance. I'm going to start in, you know, bas start, you know, entry level, on and on and on. And we were so psyched for him, and. And it was such a relief. And we all heard the story and we congratulated Dan. And he's still there, by the way, today. And he killed it. And he's been there, you know, over 30 years. So anyway, we all hear that. We're like, oh, man, congratulations. And Dudley's confused. And he goes, so hold on a minute. Your sister is your boss? And that was. And we all, like. We didn't even die laughing right away because we were still doing the math on that. We're like, wait, wait, wait. What. What did. Wait a minute. How. And that's what Dudley heard. It was unbelievable. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm here in Houston, Texas, and I can't really describe what it's like. Texas is its own beast. And you try to wrap your head around it, and you try to, you know, I'm a fly on the wall anytime I'm here because it's so different than anything I was raised with, right? So right now, they have a cheerleading convention going on.

[Dan]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Girls are between the ages of 11 and 14. They are all wearing. I mean, it's like the mothers are like, okay, we need our daughters to look like whores. Like, pour on the makeup. Micro. Mini shorts, crop tops, and they're fucking 11 years old.

[Dan]

You're very, very worked up about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's just. Here's what it is, is you're. They're everywhere. And you can't look at them because there's always some Texan dad with, you know, with the close cropped beard and the wraparound. The reflective wraparound sunglasses. And you just know that the second I look at a girl, I'm gonna look up and that dude's gonna be looking in my fucking eyes like, what are you doing? Looking at my daughter. And if I feel like I'm on Epstein's island against my will, and just

[Dan]

like Bill Clinton,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I didn't see anything. And so I open up. I'm on the fifth floor, directly above the pool. So I walk into my room yesterday afternoon, I look out the window at the pool, and there are 50 prepubescent girls in bikinis with makeup on. And so I took a picture of it and I. Oh, go solid. And I.

[Dan]

Strong move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I sent it to two people. I sent it to Dan Brickner and Andrew Santino because they're two of the darkest guys that I know. And I just wrote, here's the view at my window. Neither one of them responded in any way. They.

[Dan]

I'm surprised you're not blocked.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They deleted that photo. And then I took the hint and I deleted it off my phone. I'm like, what was I thinking?

[Dan]

Nice move. Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But no, it's weird. And then. But the club's great. Had some characters, a lot of characters in Houston, Always.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah, I imagine. When are you there until. What's today's Saturday morning. You're coming back tomorrow?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I go to. I'm going to see my mother in Florida this week for five days.

[Dan]

Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. And we're gonna do some fun stuff, and then I'm going to Fort Worth next week. So I got two weeks in a row in Texas.

[Dan]

Oh, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now tell me what happened. I also missed golf this week, and my understanding is there's. I know that there's an issue with this starter. Were you there for that?

[Dan]

No, I was here. I came here on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a woman that's in charge of starting the golfers at Penmar, and she is a cunts. There we go off the algorithm, and there are yelling, screaming fights with her every week. And I guess it was a really bad one this week. And now they're trying to get a petition going around to get her fired.

[Dan]

Well, one of our nice friends, like, talked to someone, goes. And one of the ways when he was talking about her is like, listen, I don't want to get anyone fired. And the guy who works with her was like, no, no, she needs to be fired.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dan]

So he encouraged writing a complaint. Yeah, that's what I heard from, you know, a thousand miles away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, well, anyway, that's the same.

[Dan]

But she's bizarre.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

People often ask us, what's new at Panmar? Well, that's what. That's the drama at Panmar right now.

[Dan]

She's incredibly difficult. Like, it was. And she does things that no one does there. And it's. And anyway, she prevents people from going out golfing when it's like. I don't know. I can't even describe it, but it's like. So it's like we paid. She always mistakes that we haven't paid and all that stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Anyway.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So anyway, these are our complaints this week, everybody, about mogul skiing in Wyoming and playing golf in Venice Beach.

[Dan]

It's rough, man. Thank God the world's not falling apart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Dan]

Did you see Radiohead? I saw that this week. I Screen grabbed it all. This is old news now. So I guess ICE was using a Radiohead song and radio didn't like it. So radio had issued a formal statement. We demand that the amateurs in control of the ICE social media account take it down. It ain't funny. This song means a lot to us and other people, and you don't get to appropriate it without a fight. Also, go yourselves. Radiohead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing. What song was that? I can't imagine a Radiohead song that would be appropriate for Let.

[Dan]

It was let down, which is a very memeable. There's. If you look up let down, there's one day I will grow wings. And that's one of the lines in it. And you see people falling apart. Like, everyone posts themselves having breakdowns or crying to that song. But I didn't see the ad, but I know that's the song that they used.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, we want to get to. The logo this week is from Bruce Wise. It is left over from men's hockey. Yeah, we'll get into later. We got a quick story about that, but that was pretty exciting. It looks like, you know, they. They got caught up. Did you see the call with President Trump where he started shitting on the women's team in front of them? And they laughed. They went along with it. It's like, that's the problem with talking to a lunatic, is like, you're complicit if you laugh. Even though it was probably nervous laughter. Because I bet you the men's and women's teams are pretty close. But.

[Dan]

No, they are. They've even said so since. And the men have apologized because I. They were put in a tough spot. You're not going to laugh at the idiot in charge is, you know, stupid joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I was. I had Andy Dick on my podcast one time, and Andy started saying. Went on this. This anti Semitic rant about Howard, and he was calling. I can't even say the phrase. But he was saying phrases that. First of all, if you've watched Howard Stern, he's got this guy named Yucko, the clown who comes on, who does race, you know, racist things towards Howard, but it's all laughed at because he's playing a character. But then. But then Andy was saying those same phrases, and out of context, it sounded really. And I'm laughing because I know where it comes from. And so the next morning, Howard starts playing. He goes, well, listen to this from the Greg Fitzsimmons show last night. And he starts playing what Andy's saying. And then he goes, and what the fuck? Is Greg going along with it? Why is Greg laughing? And so I got. So then it was on like Page Six and the Post and it blew up. It was like a huge story about this race and I'm. I'm sitting there laughing along with it.

[Dan]

Yeah, of course. Yeah. What are you going to do? The great Andy Dick. They're similar to Trump in many ways, just reckless.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do we hear about Andy these days?

[Dan]

I don't know. I saw. When did I see him? I saw him not long ago and I'm forgetting where, but he seemed like very, very Andy. That's all I'll say about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never count him out. Never count Andy out. He's always going to come back.

[Dan]

He's really talented and he's so talented. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's also tireless. He just. He says yes to life and something will always happen with him and then he'll fuck it up. And that's part of. That's the arc. Emmett hall did a great song this week. Thank you, Emmett. He's a frequent contributor to the show. We are still looking for more songs. It's the new year and the fold is a little slim right now, so if you can write a song. And again, a little A.I. we're saying is, okay, you don't have to play all the instruments, but it should not be an AI song from the get go.

[Dan]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Send it into Fitzdogradio.

[Dan]

Although I don't care.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We'll give you a shout out and we'll play it on the show. Corrections. Last week I said that key Q, U I is the French word for who. So qui was wrong. The correct word for wear in French is oh. Nobody wrote the actual right answer. But quo is Latin for where. Also, Barb says, if you don't want spoilers, stay off the phone. It's not your friend's issue, it's yours. I'm so irritated listening to this. And in the next sentence you call my dummy. I love this part, but often I want to scream at you through my phone. It's giving spoiled brat. It's giving spoiled brat. I don't know what that means. Love you, bar. And then we got.

[Dan]

Thank you, Barbara.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I still feel like you guys don't respect that I travel on Sundays. I'm mostly talking about NFL. Just. Okay. We're on a thread where one of the guys travels on Sundays and we all know that he gets home and he records the games and then he wants to watch them. And then people go, I can't believe Miami fucking blew it.

[Dan]

But now you're upset that we told you that we bombed Iran. It's like, where does it end? What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What?

[Dan]

Sorry. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, don't worry.

[Dan]

It's not over. Don't worry. It's not over. So I didn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But the State of the Union was just two days ago, and he didn't mention anything.

[Dan]

I know. And he, and he has the Peace Coalition. It's, it's, it's all. Yeah, it's all coming together.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Finally, we got on that ethical question. Dude with a felony warrant is going to get taken. Oh. The ethical question was, do you switch seats if you're in the passenger seat and your friend has a felony? Do you switch seats when you're coming up to a DUI checkpoint when you've both been drinking and Mike actually said he would switch seats? And now this guy's saying, dude with a felony warrant is going to get taken that night anyway? They always will identify anyone in the vehicle, and when they do, you both get arrested and you switch seats for nothing.

[Dan]

Yeah, I left out. I switched seats and then I punched the gas man. I'm not getting pulled over. That's what happens when I get in that seat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now you can both be felons. Tour dates, as I mentioned. Fort Worth Hyenas Comedy Club, March 6th and 7th, Louisiana. We got the St. Patty's Day Show, March 17th. We're going to have some big names on it. Mike Gibbons will not be one of them. Janesville, Wisconsin. The Comedy Cabin, March 2021. Then we got Bakersfield, California. Escondido, California. Boston. Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th. Then I will be up in New Hampshire and Maine. We also want to always give a shout out to Gotham Productions, who is our producer and editor and social media and everything. This podcast, and we've been kind of blowing up recently. We're getting bigger numbers, we're putting out more clips. I think the quality of the video, as you see, is better, and we always appreciate them. Let's get to the front page.

[Dan]

I, I. You got a crinkle, man? I'm in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, hold on.

[Dan]

Burned in the fireplace. Oh, wait, I have paper. Hold on. I got something. Oh, it's a Spanish test. Child's child's Spanish test. Greg, you'd be good. This atiquita last four. They use the numeral four. Thank you. Estaciones E3.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think that's how you order. I think he just ordered four tacos.

[Dan]

All right, here we go. Front page

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

by the way, you might hear a parade going on in the background. The Houston Rodeo is going on this week and they have events all over the city. And one of them, they just had a 5k run and now they have a parade. And I'm going to a big barbecue there later today.

[Dan]

Wow. With all the young gals, There's gonna be a prey to people here. Poor Jackie hired a cleaning crew to deal with the house because the family's coming back later today. He has to. He has to bury all the bodies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, is it an Airbnb or a friend's house?

[Dan]

No, no, we're in his house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whose house?

[Dan]

Jack. So he's had as a cleaning crew to clean all the sheets and all that stuff and all the towels.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, so you gotta clean for her

[Dan]

to clean and the vomit. No, the cleaning crew will be running behind me and vacuuming probably soon. So let's get to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

U.S. israel.

[Dan]

U.S. israel attack Iran. U.S. officials say they expect this attack to be far more extensive than the American strikes last June. You remember the strikes where we completely negated any capabilities Iran had. Okay, so the air raid sirens are sounding across Israel warning residents of the potential for impending attacks. And as I mentioned, this is the Board of Peace's first war since recently forming. So the Board of Peace has gotten right to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's it. You got to hit the ground running. When you. By the way, I just realized something when you said Iran, I think that if you had to find a demarcation mark of who is for attacking Iran and who is against it, it would be people that say Iran think that we should have gotten congressional approval and people that say Iran think that a president should be able to just launch a fucking strike at 4 o' clock in the morning.

[Dan]

And don't even bring up. If they say Persia, by the way,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I win the bet. We made a bet two weeks ago.

[Dan]

I was trying to find it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was whether or not we would attack Iran by the end of the February and on the last day of February.

[Dan]

All right, listeners who we don't listen when we talk, but you guys sadly have to listen to us. I think. I don't know, but I think you took end of March and I said, I think it's going to be by the end of this month.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, well, let's find out. And we'll bet you owe me $20. And I've reminded you now five times.

[Dan]

Oh, I do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's always the little bets that don't get paid because they're little Bets. But it fucking means something because it was the culmination of two games of paddle tennis and a Super bowl bet. It was five. We're not picking up who owes who.

[Dan]

Who owes who money, are we? Because there's. There's also that issue.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You might owe me money. Don't get ahead of yourself on that one. So. All right, we'll make it a $20 bet on. On that. We'll go back and listen to it. But I think it was based on that. That betting app where you could bet on when we were gonna buy.

[Dan]

I think so, yeah. It wasn't the predictions in January. It was recently. It was like two or three shows ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I love. Of course they're using all of the political. The. The military jargon to misdirect. They say there, you know, there may be collateral damage from the peacekeeping missiles and obviously some friendly fire. It sounds like there's a fourth of July picnic happening.

[Dan]

I'm scared to even talk about it because who knows what will have happened by tomorrow. When this airs. Today is Saturday morning.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Early Saturday. Yeah. But I think. I don't know. It sounds like these missiles are pretty powerful. I'm guessing the Epstein files were in one of the missiles.

[Dan]

Yeah, exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

10,000 years ago, as modern humans migrated into northerly territories inhabited by our ancient cousins, the Neanderthals, the two species met and sometimes mated. Now genetic evidence. Now genetic evidence has revealed a striking imbalance in these prehistoric trysts, suggesting that interbreeding was mostly between male Neanderthals and female humans. This reminds me of your joke about pit bulls.

[Dan]

Oh, you know, I was literally going to bring that up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It is only going that way. So my dumb joke about pit bulls is. Am I the only one. When you see a mixed pit bull, a dog that. I think it's a product of rape. And there's no way. There's no way. Oh, the mom was a golden retriever. And it's a Pitbull mix. I don't think so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And you never see. You never see a greyhound pit bull mix because greyhounds are too fast. They got away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We found a pattern indicating a sexual bias, a gene occurring between the males. Anyway, so it to me, this. This reminds me of how, like, Italian men marry the Irish women and Philly and Boston and the Bronx. Sorry you missed my Philly joke.

[Dan]

Mike, we got people coming in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Dan]

I love that. I love that you hit Philly. And the funny thing is, I read this story, and I was going right to the Philly Neanderthal angle. And I saw you did it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You got to get there first.

[Dan]

It sounds to me though like a good Sex in the City spin off. It's like sex in the Bering Strait or something. It's all these whores hooking up with animals.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. I mean, it is definitely. If you are a human, I guess was the new human, he was the new genus of the species, then you're obviously going to be attracted to the tougher, bigger man.

[Dan]

The funny thing is they still say, like articles will come out now and again that men are attracted to people that have like a prominent brow. And it harks back to what we used, like what we used to look like. And so there's like more of a. I guess they feel it's like a stronger mate potentially or whatever those primitive attractions that we have where it's like someone who's strong and survive and you know, they have the strong DNA and all that. So it's still around?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, the shelves. Brow. How do you think J.D. vance got such a hot wife?

[Dan]

I mean, this whole thing explains the Jersey shore, doesn't it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Dan]

Philly adjacent.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

U.S. department of Homeland Security officials on February 26 misrepresented themselves to gain access to a Columbia University residence hall where they detained a foreign students. The agent gained entry by stating they were police searching for a missing child. They made their way into the apartment of the student they were targeting with the same story. Five agents from the DEH were involved in. At 6:30am to detain Azerbaijan born Columbia student Elmina Aga Yeva. The agents entered her room, a building not open to the public without any kind of a warrant. So look, I've used some shady excuses to get into a women's dorm. In my day, I was claiming to be a trans woman. Back in 1988, I had long hair.

[Dan]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, now do you remember Bosom Buddies?

[Dan]

Of course I remember Bosom Buddies. What a premise.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What a premise.

[Dan]

Tom Hanks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Dan]

Well, you know, like ICE is like they shoot people, but now you're telling me they lie. It's like, where do we draw the line?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right.

[Dan]

Are you kidding me? Also, ICE is looking for a child. Are they trying to get in the Epstein files? Do they have fomo? What's happening here? Yeah, imagine this. Go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They realize the files aren't long enough. They got to create some new pages.

[Dan]

But it may, you know, who knows what this student was like? And they're probably just cranking Taylor Swift. They come in like, oh, they're looking for A child. And no, they're not. No, they're not. Yeah, she's cuffed, thrown on the floor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you all right? I want you. Don't look at the script. I want you for. To spell Azerbaijan.

[Dan]

I don't know how, and I won't get it right, but. All right. A Z, E, R, B, E, J,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A, N. Very close. Two letters off.

[Dan]

Oh, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Former President Bill Clinton is testifying Friday before the House Oversight Committee in a closed door deposition tied to its investigation into convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Now we're off the algorithm. The session is taking place a day after Hillary appeared before the same panel. Clinton is answering questions under oath as part of a congressional probe. It marks the first time a former president has been compelled to testify before lawmakers against his will. Oh, against their will. He's familiar with that phrase. Like how he showed his cock to Paula Jones.

[Dan]

Okay, wow, we're really flying off the algorithm now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, yeah. So Hillary was also. Wait, she was questioned already? Right?

[Dan]

She was questioned the day before.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Dan]

And she has no ties. And then they tried to corner her on that. Ghislaine was at the wedding. At Chelsea's wedding. But she was a plus one, apparently. I don't know, but they were barking up the wrong tree there. Now, Clinton's a different story now. I didn't see his testimony. I was out all day yesterday. But I heard. Did he start it by saying, I'm here because I don't think anyone is above the law, even a President of the United States? And then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no, that was. That was.

[Dan]

Yeah, take your best shot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was his M.O. for doing this. The whole thing is based on, if he testifies, then Trump has to testify. He'll set the precedent that presidents have to testify in this.

[Dan]

Yeah, Republicans always respond in kind with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And. But Clinton, you know, Clinton's denying everything, but this is a guy who used a teenaged intern at the White House as a humidor for his cigar.

[Dan]

I saw a funny joke online. It was someone, I guess, on X or something. Hillary Clinton says she only recalls meeting Epstein that one time when she murdered him. It's such a good joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great. All right, speaking of ethical questions, let's go to ethical questions.

[Dan]

All right, here we go. I don't think they're that good. I'm just gonna read them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Dan]

Oh, you know, they might have updated. Okay. No, this is a better one. Okay. This is a better one than I found. I found these last night because, boy, do I work ahead of time. My aging Mother won't stop driving. Should I take away her. The DMV has suspended her license and she's irate, blaming us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, how about.

[Dan]

Wait, remove. Remove that. Her license has been suspended. I didn't see that part.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. That was what I was going to talk about. Well, look, I'm going to visit my mom.

[Dan]

Talking about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My mom has been in an accident recently, and she is 83. She's very small. So just like, her seat is pushed in the furthest forward position, so the steering wheel is, like under her chin. And I don't know, her sister got into a horrible accident about five years ago where she literally drove off the road. And she's older than my mother, so I would love if she stopped driving, but it's like, you can't imagine taking that away from somebody, their freedom, you know? So I would say that the DMV should test people over the age of 78. I think you should get tested every two years, and if you can't pass the test, they take away your license.

[Dan]

Wow. What is it now? Is it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There is no test. No. You just keep fucking driving. You never get tested again after the age of 16.

[Dan]

They should also have you do the eye exam in a dark room, because none of these people can drive at night. That's the first thing that goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even want to joke about it because it's like, oh, we could joke here about, oh, your mom. My dad should. And then all of a sudden, there is an accident. Then you look back at our joke about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. It's like how we used to tell jokes about priests with altar boys.

[Dan]

My. My dad is doing pretty well, though, on the driving front. I can say with a clean conscience, but. But I mean, definitely has lost a step and everything. Thank God. In a way, he was a pretty aggressive driver. Yeah, but it's like now you just want to put them in the safest car possible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Although, weren't you driving in the right lane and he started telling you to move over to the right lane?

[Dan]

That did happen, but yeah, so he's a terrible backseat driver. That is gone. They. I want to take away his voice, so never mind his keys for that. But I. It was funny. We said something. We were joking. We're skiing. Everyone skis with helmets now. And some. And two guys in the gondola we were in hit heads. And I'm like, oh, that's what. Anyway, helmets came up. And now related to this driving story. I've told this before, but it's kind of funny. One time I was getting on my motorcycle to go, and I realized, oh, man, it's street cleaning today. I have to move my car. And I was like, running late. I'm like, damn it. So I just got off the bike. It left it running. And I ran over to my car and just kept my helmet on. And I got in my car with the motorcycle helmet. And let me tell you, everyone gives you the right away. Anyone. I was, I was in a BMW sedan with a helmet. With a motorcycle helmet on. Everyone was like, no, no, go ahead, go ahead. And I was pulling a big. I was pulling a big U turn in the intersection, and I, I thought no one was coming, like to park on the other side of the street. Everyone's like, go ahead. Yeah, you can do that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great. It's like having the NRA sticker on your, on your dash, on your windshield. Everybody gets out of the way.

[Dan]

Exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Any other ones?

[Dan]

There's kind of bad ones. Yeah. Here, you pick. I'm going to read. I think you're going to pick the third one. One is, should I tell people what my principal did? He was a community pillar with a dark underside and possibly other victims. I think that's an easy one. I think, yes. All right. We're the guardians of a difficult teenager. What do we owe them? I found myself carrying negative feelings that I don't want but can't quite shake. That's not very specific. Here's one. Do I have to take over the family company if I can't stand my cousin?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, absolutely.

[Dan]

Did we already do that one? I don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, we haven't done it. But I will say right now, in this, in this work environment, to be somebody who's young and needs a job. Take the family business. It's already up and running. You know how it works. You're going to be working with assholes no matter what young people think. They're so selective about why they won't take a job. You got a bad cousin. Waa. Shut the fuck up. Get the keys to that company. You've probably, you know, all the resources there. Your father's going to be there or your mother, Whoever's company it was, they're going to help you take the job.

[Dan]

You could also make your cousin's life hell. Put them on the night shift.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Dan]

Yeah, I, you know, there's a lot. There's so many families who have family businesses, and it is the person like the, the, the unliked cousin Here. And they just basically say, you don't, you don't have to come in. Like, yeah, they just float. They just float that person because they don't want them involved, especially in decisions and things like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, there's a lot of no show jobs. That's what kind of what succession was about, you know, until the, until he stepped up.

[Dan]

The Younger Brother and Arrested Development too was a little like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dan]

With Will Arnett, like, it's like. Yeah, you don't. No, no, you don't have to come in. You don't have to do this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's get to entertainment.

[Dan]

Entertainment. Here we go. I forgot the crinkles.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. I sat on the couch with my wife and daughter this week and I watched Hamnet and I was warned it was a tear jerker. But man, does it hit you hard, especially if you have a kid.

[Dan]

Yeah, I didn't have the same reaction. Oh yeah, it was built up too much. It was built up too much for me. So that's what happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I loved it. I think the woman absolutely has to win the Oscar. She was incredible. She played so many different emotions and shades of, you know, she, she captured this woman who's like, you know, part wild beast, part witch and yeah, I loved it. Everybody cried.

[Dan]

There's a little bit like this is a movie about the, the origin and the process and the inspiration for arguably one of the greatest plays in the history of civilization. And so what we're going to show you is what was going on at his home at that time. We're not going to show you him writing it. We're not going to show you Shakespeare creating Hamlet. We're going to show you how they're dealing at home. He's dealing with the tragedy, but we're going to show you how she's dealing with the tragedy. City. Yes, there's a little of that. I wonder if it was reversed. You know, like think of some amazing work of art, like even Mary Shelley's Frankenstein or something like. Oh, man, I want to see how that was inspired. Yeah. Well, where are you going to show your husband who's dealing with stuff at home during that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. What was his. Because he was a writer as well. Purse. Percy Shelley was it? What was his name? He was a famous Shelley. Yeah, yeah. And I think that she overshadowed him. That would be a great story to show. Can you imagine in the 1600s or 17 or whatever the fuck that was written, having to deal with your wife being more successful than you?

[Dan]

That would be great. Yeah, let's do it. We're going to develop it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Paramount Skydance reached a deal to acquire Warner Brothers Discovery for more than 110 billion after Netflix backed out of the bidding war. The sale, whose CEO David Ellison has cultivated ties with Trump, will reset the Hollywood ecosystem and throws into question the fate of cnn, which they own, which Trump has said should be sold. Executives and Democratic lawmakers here said they worry that Trump's pressure campaign. He demanded, he demanded last weekend that Netflix fire former Democratic National Security Adviser Susan Rice from its board or, quote, pay the consequence. He loves saying, pay the consequences.

[Dan]

Yeah, well, it's threats. It's easy as threats.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Could reshape how political power is wielded. I mean, I can tell you already, they did this with cbs. They put in an advisor, quote, unquote, at CBS News. I was reading the press coverage of the Iran invasion. It reads like a high school pep rally. I was like, I didn't realize what news source I was reading. I was like, why is this so pro? It's like cbs, they're now, they're now completely government controlled a lot.

[Dan]

And it was news. I guess this morning. A lot of CBS News people and real veterans forever have been resigning because of kind of like what we said in the Golden Globes, the BS news of CBS and, and them being very biased and, and literally told to focus on a certain angle on coverage. Anyway, well, one of the people that resigned recently, and I'm not saying why he resigned, I don't know all the details, but Anderson Cooper left CBS, where he was host of 60 Minutes, and left there and, you know, retained his job at cnn, went, you know, back to that. He's there and now CNN's under CBS.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting.

[Dan]

Yeah, he didn't get out from under it. But listen to me and you and creatives. I, I'm, I hope I'm overstating this, but it's basically down to two companies now. And I cannot see how unions survive. I don't, I can't see how they're even a writer's guild in 10 years, maybe five.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know it's over.

[Dan]

Why, why wouldn't they just be like, yeah, we're done with unions.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's why I'm always glad that you and I have this podcast to lose money on.

[Dan]

I know. Well, we diversify. You have to diversify.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So they're taking over Netflix and now the Milan. Apparently the Melania documentary is going to run on a loop. The first three months of Netflix, it's just going to be Melania that's your only choice.

[Dan]

Lovely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Aaron Burnett will now be covering wine stomping demonstrations in West Virginia.

[Dan]

Nice one. Oh, oh, oh. Grape Stomp Lady. I'll tell you, I mean, that was my first. When Daniel and I created Tosh. Oh. That was my first web redemption. I tried to find Grape Stomp Lady. So, I mean, I. I pulled out all the tricks. Then we found out she was living, I think, in Albany. She wanted nothing to do with it, and I got a guy to deliver something to her house and to ask, and that did not go well. So we did. We did not get Grape Stomp Lady. We got Boom goes the dynamite guy instead. That's a true story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Wow.

[Dan]

All right. Let's make America. Florida. Florida. Man who went missing on Valentine's Day. Rescued after being stuck in quicksand for days. Giddens. This guy had not been seen by his family since February 14th. It was the subject of a missing persons report. His family and friends had raised the alarm with authorities after he became depressed following a release. Recent relationship breakup. Deputies found Giddens on Thursday covered to his shoulders in the quicksand and had sunk below the level of the grass surrounding the borrow pit. I don't know what that is. Making him virtually camouflaged. The fire department said he had been stuck in mud for several days without food or water while the area faced freezing temperatures. A video of the incident shows deputies initially struggling to pull him out and free him using ropes and then using ladders, pallets, wooden boards, and other tools to dig him out. I mean, as if Florida needs another curveball. Now it's quicksand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. That's amazing. Like, Valentine's Day launches a lot of marriage proposals, and in Florida, a lot of manhunts.

[Dan]

Just people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, people that are already on the edge, and then you're like, this quicksand. All right, where. Where is it?

[Dan]

Of course, Desantis is already, like, surround the ice prison with quicksand. We don't even need fences anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's do that. Yeah. I didn't even know quick. I never heard of quicksand, like, actually existing.

[Dan]

No. So that was a really funny joke I read along the way, like, in the last year, and someone wrote, having grown up in the 70s and 80s, I thought quicksand would be playing a bigger role in my life. Like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God. Yeah. It was everything.

[Dan]

Horror movies. It was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it was.

[Dan]

We watched. It was in cartoons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gilligan's Island.

[Dan]

Gilligan's Island. It was like. It was a threat. It was kind of like Sharks. You're just as likely to run into trouble with a great white as you are quicksand.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right. And then there's always, like, how to survive quicksand and what you're supposed to do. Don't panic.

[Dan]

Try to get out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Don't try to get out.

[Dan]

I know. That's the advice. Spread out, don't move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. It's like taxes.

[Dan]

Yeah. How do you get out? Well, first thing you do is don't try to get out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Kind of like Epstein Island. Here we go. Let's make America Kentucky again. The Kentucky man was arrested after he allegedly engaged in sexual activity with. Wait for it. A deceased animal. So this guy, Alan Osborne, was taken into custody after he allegedly engaged in sexual. The dogs are getting anxious just hearing this story. There's two dogs behind me. After he allegedly engaged in sexual relations with a dead deer. The police department said that a man was driving through the area when he noticed a man allegedly engaged in sexual intercourse with a dead deer on the side of the road. The witness then called 91 1. When law enforcement arrived on the scene, they reportedly found Osborne covered in deer fur and blood. Why not hit the deer and the guy? When you see that, like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Dan]

You take out deer all the time. This just has one more added element to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One bullet. One bullet. I think. I think that should be the only acceptable way to wear fur. You have to have sex with the dead animal, and then you're allowed.

[Dan]

Well, it's kind of like how most furs are sold. I think there's sex before the fur coat. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And then. And then a protester throws blood on it.

[Dan]

Yeah, exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is it more illegal to have sex with a dead animal or a live animal?

[Dan]

Animal, I'm gonna guess dead. That's a great question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It adds another layer to it, doesn't it?

[Dan]

Because I think I told you that time in a writer's room, Norm loved finding, like, hypocritical thinking in. In every. As everywhere. Even in jokes that we'd pitch them anyway. But we had some. We ordered lunch, and one of the young people on staff was very, very, very much an animal advocate. It. And somehow. Oh, I think the story came up of what. What is sex with animals called? Necrophilia, basically.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And so. And this person was having a very strong reaction to the bestiality story. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. He goes, you know that bestiality laws are to protect the humans, not the animals, Right? He's like, no one Gives a. I mean the animals love it. I think like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan]

Yes. He was so interesting about that. What do we get into? Sports.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get to this day in history.

[Dan]

Yeah, let's get to this day in history. Here it comes. Yeah, I gotta get. I gotta get. I gotta get across the valley to the airport. This day in history. It was a tough one. Yellowstone, I'm right near it, was established as the world's first national park on this day in what year? Give or take 40 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It feels like a Teddy Roosevelt kind of a move, but I feel like it might have been earlier. Let's just say the Turner. So let's say, let's say 1855. No, I mean look at you. Yeah, 1855.

[Dan]

Oh, you heard me. Well, kind. I didn't say yes or no. You did it. 1872. Ulysses S. Grant signed the app. Okay, I know, but you're right, I mean Teddy Roosevelt was the hero of the whole parks movement, I think. Okay. Justin Bieber, a Canadian singer noted for his fresh faced good looks as it says here, and catchy pop numbers. Well, he was born in London, Ontario on this day in what year? Give or take five years?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1985.

[Dan]

94. Ron Howard. Happy birthday Ron Howard. He was born on this day in what year? Give or take five years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I feel like he's halfway between my mother and me, so I'm going to say 1950.

[Dan]

Look at you, man. 54.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice.

[Dan]

After five years of construction, the Hoover Dam on the Colorado river at the Arizona, Nevada border was completed. It is the highest concrete arch dam in the United States, give or take 10 years. When did they complete construction of the Hoover Dam?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That sounds to me like a New deal work project. So it would be in the 30s, I'll say 32.

[Dan]

Look at you, 36.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

See that? New Deal baby. I'm going by my presidents today.

[Dan]

Last one. Aviator Charles Lindbergh's two year old son was kidnapped from their home near Hopewell, New Jersey and was later found murdered. So wow, this isn't clear because then they give me a year for the. He was executed. Bruno Houtman was executed. But what year, I think they're asking it is what year was the two year old Lindbergh baby abducted? Give or take.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Lindbergh was a big give or take eight years. All right, Lindbergh was a big Holocaust denier. So it was sometime around World War II, probably before. I'll say 1940.

[Dan]

Oh my God. I gave you eight years. 1932.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, nice. I think I got Everyone right today.

[Dan]

Did he deny the Holocaust, or was he just too sympathetic with the Germans?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's what I meant. Yeah, he liked Hitler. He was a Hitler fan, by the way.

[Dan]

He might have denied the Holocaust, I don't know, but I've never heard that. Yeah, all right. That was it. You did well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did well today. Let's get down to the obituary.

[Dan]

Here it comes. Obituary. Well, we lost Mr. Neil Sedaka, the singer songwriter behind dozens of hits in the 60s 70s. He died at 86 years old. His hits included Breaking Up Is Hard to Do, Laughter in the Rain, Bad Blood, and the Captain and Tenille's cover of his song Love Will Keep Us Together, which was the number one hit in 1975. Love.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Love will Keep. I mean, he wrote some corny ass songs, but they were catchy. I remember the 1970s being on my school bus and hearing every one of these songs over and over again, and they're baked into my psyche as a young kid.

[Dan]

And his presentation was pretty really, really cheesy too. But something like the breaking up is hard to do. It's just like pure saccharine. You know what I mean? It's just this dying to be sung along to and loved and. And it's just very peppy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Very peppy. And then he did Bad Blood where he tries to have some attitude. Bad, bad blood.

[Dan]

Oh, wow. Oh, good voice there, Fitz. I did. I don't even think I know that song. I definitely don't know it from what you just did to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Nobody does. People that knew it now forget it. Based on how you're very smart.

[Dan]

You don't want the algorithm. You don't want the. The computer there, YouTube to figure out you just sang a song.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I scrambled my voice. All right, let's cheer up. This Sadaka thing really brought me down. Let's go to the funnies. Here we go.

[Dan]

Funnies. Let's do it. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Every week we do the comedy caption contest, all spelled with K's. And we give you one frame of a comic strip. You then write a punchline. You send it in to fitzdogradiomail.com youm put your name directly underneath your punchline. We put together the top ones. We read them, we select a winner. That person then immediately gets a koozie delivered to their house.

[Dan]

Yes, of course.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Last week's comic frame was we got a woman. She looks like she's. She's gone right past middle age, and she is sitting on a barstool in front of A slot machine. She's on an IV drip that says gin and tonic. She has a cigarette dangling out of her mouth, and she does not look happy. Sean from Ontario said, come on, triple sevens. Mama needs a new IV bag.

[Dan]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kurt says, I've seen this before. It's called the Florida retirement plan.

[Dan]

Okay, that's my mom who's saying that, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's true. Who's our omniscient narrator here? Yeah, my mom every Sunday goes to church, and then she goes directly to the casino.

[Dan]

Well, she has to replace a couple of fenders, apparently, so. Let her. Let her do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jerry said, nancy Pelosi without insider trading.

[Dan]

That's not bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ron says, hurry up, honey. We want. We don't want to miss Greg Fitzsimmons at Brad Garrett's club. I just saw him wheel by on a knee cart.

[Dan]

I like that, Ron. I mean, it only works here, but I like. I like the institutional knowledge of the podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tim says it has. It had been decades, but there she was, dad.

[Dan]

Oh, all right. He thinks this is there. There was a transition.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Dan]

Okay. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dq. Just one. Just one more poll, and I'll be able to afford the martini drip.

[Dan]

Oh, levels. Different levels. Yeah. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Albert says, hope on tap, regret on drip.

[Dan]

All right, Some solid word play there. I. Maybe. I don't know. What do we. What.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess I have to say, on a. On a selfish level, I like the one about me on a knee cart from Ron.

[Dan]

And you shouldn't like that. You shouldn't like that. That. That. That's being remembered, but I know. And is it called a knee cart?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think so, yes.

[Dan]

It's like a don't go kart. Okay, all right, fine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's.

[Dan]

All right, Ron. I liked it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so we're going with Ron. Congratulations. I feel like Ron has won before. So, Ron, let us know if you want another koozie to go with your first one. And now let's get to the pros. Hagger is sitting at the table at a restaurant with his wife, Helga. She's looking at the menu. She says, do you think the lobsters are fresh? And then Haggar goes, that one is. And we look over, and we see the waitress with a lobster mauling her ass. And she goes, hey, so even the lobsters were rapists back in the 1400s.

[Dan]

Look at them. And it has to be main lobsters with the two big claws.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Dan]

It can't be the other variety. Did they have those over there in the North Atlantic, I guess so. Maybe they're over on that side, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Back in those days in Scandinavia, that could be crabs. Maybe she has crabs and they're just that big.

[Dan]

They were bigger then. Yeah, I like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now we have the lockhorns. Loretta walks in the door. She's got a steering wheel in her hand, and she's a little ruffled up, and she goes, we now own a car with an external combustion engine.

[Dan]

Ah, nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's funny. And now we're at the marriage counselor, and he says to them, no. She says to the marriage counselor, leroy has turned his life around. Unfortunately, it was 360 degrees right back where he started. And now we're walking out of a store. Leroy is carrying a lot of bags. Loretta's smiling. Leroy talks to his friend and says, I celebrated President's Day by saying goodbye to a Grant, two Jackson's, three Lincolns and a bunch of Washingtons.

[Dan]

It's a solid President's Day joke. I like it a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Finally.

[Dan]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Loretta is at a party, talking to her friend. Leroy's in the background. And Loretta says to her friend, it came with matching earrings, but Leroy couldn't get them out of the claw machine.

[Dan]

That's good. All right, before we get to. Before we get to Blondie, I have two onion cartoons. One is. There's a picture of Netanyahu there, and it says, netanyahu calls Iran strikes necessary to prevent war. He just started. And then here's one Trump at his desk writing. It goes, trump writes Netanyahu, strongly worded check.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's good. Yeah, I like it. And finally, Dagwood's walking home from work. He's got on his overcoat and his briefcase. And Blondie meets him at the door and he says, it's good to be home. And she goes, stop. New security check. Before you come in, you have to prove you're not a robot. And now in the second frame, fucking dopey grabs her, bends her over backwards and plants a kiss on her. Even the dog is standing on his hind legs, happy that this homosexual is showing some signs of being a man.

[Dan]

And she proves he is a robot. I think it proves he's not his usual self, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he goes, how's this? And now, of course, just to ruin the moment, we're now sitting at the table where he waits for food. And she serves him. And he. And she goes, I guess that proves it. And he goes, and this Yankee pot roast passes my taste bud. Security check. Shut up. Why are you not in the bedroom? Why Is the third frame in the kitchen? It should be in the bedroom with that black velvet skirt hanging on the. On the fucking bedpost while you pile drive yourself into that blonde piece of heaven.

[Dan]

Blonde piece of heaven. I guess I could. I love how you could tell it's velvet from this cartoon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. The way it moves, the way the light catches it.

[Dan]

You should have it where it has fabric on it that you can touch. I think you need more sensory stimulation to these things. But yeah. And then what. What a horrible way to peter out. It's like it. They change it to pot roast and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Dan]

Imagine coming up with that and being like, yeah, that's good. Ship it. Print that around the world.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. They had a great build up with the first two frames. And then. All right, how do we end everyone? Oh, yeah. In the kitchen. The patriarchy. There you go, Mike. I want to wish you good luck on your flight coming home.

[Dan]

And thank you so much.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Say hi to the boys. I know I already did, but I didn't. Say hi to Dudley and I guess that'll do it.

[Dan]

That's it, man. Enjoy Houston. Don't go to the pool. Can I give you that advice? Don't go to the pool?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Dan]

Just don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Curt, my curtains are firmly drawn and I'll be putting my sleep mask back on as soon as we finish this podcast.

[Dan]

You should ask for a parking lot room. A parking lot view.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, good, good. They gotta leave sometime.

[Dan]

Oh, no. Maybe they have one of those hot tub trucks, you know, like. Like one of those Hummer limos with the hot tub in it. Take pictures for me. All righty, buddy. Take it. Eash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Take it. Eash.

[Podcast Announcer]

The Sunday Papers podcast is the podcast that broadcasts the news on Sunday. Greg and Mike will read that news and Mike and Greg will get confused while I find out when they say Sunday Papers podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Dan]

No problem.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'LL be with you every step of the way.

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