Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Ep 305 (3/15/26)

Broadcast Date: March 15, 2026
Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons

Episode Overview

In this classic edition of Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike offer their trademark comedic spin on the week’s headlines and quirks of modern life. With St. Patrick’s Day and the Oscars looming, they riff on everything from Oscars predictions (and bets), to LA vs. NY weather, masturbation apps, Uber’s new women-only ride feature, bizarre Florida and Philly tales, and the world of comedy corrections. As always, the guys pepper their news reading with personal anecdotes, behind-the-scenes stories, and running gags—making for an episode that’s equal parts news and nostalgia.

Main Themes & Key Discussion Points

1. Scheduling Woes and Comedic Banter

[01:00–04:40]

• The perennial struggle of finding time to record, given Greg’s gigs on the road and Mike’s travels.
• Playful passive-aggressiveness over their shifting schedule and Greg’s golf priorities ("the 9am tee time... that’s how I find out that’s not too early for you").
• Riffing on modern phone etiquette vs. old-school callers ("My pulse races, I immediately think somebody died when I get a phone call." – Greg, 05:07).

2. Upcoming St. Patrick’s Day and Parade Nostalgia

[05:22–08:11]

• Greg’s upcoming appearance on Good Day LA to promote the St. Patrick’s Day show.
• Mike prepping for a NY trip and discussing plans to march in the rain with his dad.
• Parades, unpredictable March weather, and growing up with New York’s moody springs.

3. LA vs. NY Weather and SoCal Hippie Culture

[08:11–11:17]

• Contrast between LA’s balmy spring and NY’s weather mood swings ("if I had to pick one month to not be in New York... it would be March. Because March teases you." – Mike, 08:38).
• Greg’s Venice Beach adventure: "I take a fistful of magic mushrooms... watched the sunset while 35 hippies played bongo drums... the Venice bike parade starts coming... trailers with a pit bull wearing sunglasses..." (09:30–10:57).

4. Neighborhood Anecdotes: Toluca Lake and Celebrity Encounters

[11:23–14:07]

• A meandering tangent through Toluca Lake, its retro charm, and famous residents.
• Mike’s W.C. Fields story and a digression about Andrew Santino’s golf and back issues.

5. Mike & Greg’s Oscars Ballot Showdown

[15:32–21:53]

• Intentionally speedy rundown through their Oscar picks, with typical snark and invented movie titles ("I’m going DEI with Michael B. Jordan, who played two roles in the movie." – Greg, 16:36).
• Small bet escalates throughout the conversation ("You’re down $40. I suggest we put that on the Oscars." – Greg, 26:51).
• Behind-the-scenes story of the famous Ellen Oscars selfie: "That’s not what was supposed to happen ... and Bradley Cooper jumps up and goes, I’ll take it …" (22:10–24:02).

6. Corrections & Comedy Police

[24:41–30:29]

• Corrections segment includes revisiting a bet on when the US would strike Iran, with playful bickering about time zones.
• Classic “me and my mom went to the beach” vs. “my mom and I” correction from a listener – Greg quips, "I always forget that you went to the beach with this. John's mom." (28:05).
• The “quicksand bit” and John Mulaney attribution clarification (30:01–30:29).

7. News Stories and Social Commentary

A. Masturbation App Data Leak

[34:10–38:41]

• Coverage of the Quitter (Quittr) app, designed to help men stop watching porn, but ironically leaks its user data.
• Greg: "I panic button—I consider masturbation to be my panic button. It's my stress outlet." (34:52)
• Laughing at the concept of “emergency no fap help” and imagining a community of quitters.

B. Oscars Security: Iranian Drone Threats

[39:01–39:51]

• Speculation about threats to the Oscars, mixing in jokes about LA strikes and apocalyptic messaging.

C. Teacher Death Prank in Georgia

[39:51–43:07]

• News of a Georgia teacher killed in a student prank gone wrong; the family advocates for leniency.
• Greg recounts his own stories of pranking teachers: "There was this one guy, Dr. Quinn … I would jump out the window ... then come back in and act like nothing happened." (43:37–44:35).

D. Uber Launches Women-Only Feature

[44:44–48:18]

• Uber’s new nationwide option for women riders and drivers to pair up, sparking a lawsuit from male drivers over discrimination.
• Mike: "What’s that app women use to hook up? Oh yeah, Uber. Guaranteed." (46:23).
• Jokes riff on gender stereotypes and driving ("That’s gonna sound sexist, but it’s absolutely true." – Greg, 48:12).

E. Florida Man & Make America Philly

[52:51–58:17]

• Florida: Man claims he was kidnapped by dolphins and forced to build an underwater city ("The project foreman was a dolphin named Gerald... Gerald handled that. I didn’t ask questions. You don’t question Gerald." – Mike, 55:10–56:42).
• Philly: The fate of hitchBOT, a hitchhiking robot destroyed in Philadelphia after making it safely across Canada and Europe.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On phone calls:
  "It's actually invasive when somebody calls you now...like my heart immediately speeds up, I think immediately someone died."
  – Greg, [04:51–05:07]

• Venice drum circle description:
  "We went into the drum circle and watched the sunset while 35 hippies played bongo drums. People dancing, hot chicks dancing, dogs playing, little kids..."
  – Greg, [09:30–09:50]

• On Oscars betting:
  "Whoever gets the most, right?"
  "Okay, yeah, obviously..."
  – 16:00

• “Community” in Masturbation Apps:
  "A panic button for emergency no fap help. My panic button—I consider masturbation to be my panic button. It's my stress outlet."
  – Greg, 34:52

• HitchBOT’s Fate in Philly:
  "...it was found with its head and arms ripped off in Philadelphia."
  – Mike, 58:08

Segment Timestamps

• Episode Cold Open / Banter: [01:00–04:40]
• St. Patrick’s Day / NY & LA Life: [05:22–11:17]
• Oscars Ballot & Betting: [15:32–21:53]
• Ellen Oscars Selfie Story: [22:10–24:02]
• Corrections & Listener Mail: [24:41–30:29]
• Masturbation App Breach: [34:10–38:41]
• Oscar Security & Drone Threats: [39:01–39:51]
• Teacher Prank Gone Wrong: [39:51–43:07]
• Uber’s Women-Only Feature: [44:44–48:18]
• Strange Florida Story: [52:51–56:42]
• Make America Philly (hitchBOT): [57:26–58:17]
• Caption Contest (Funnies): [70:00–73:57]

Running Gags & Listener Engagement

• Regular jabs about Greg's memory, age, and phone etiquette.
• Listeners' corrections and attributions of comedy bits.
• Promoting a "Sweet 16" bracket for biggest news stories (sports tease for next episode).
• "Caption Contest" with winners receiving a Sunday Papers koozie.

Final Thoughts & Closing

• Reminders for listeners to support sponsors (Quo.com), attend Greg’s shows, and celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.
• A tongue-in-cheek endorsement: "Celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Listen to some Pogues, read some Yeats, have some corned beef and cabbage. Get in a fight, for God's sake." – Greg, [77:01–77:12]
• Classic sign-off: "Take it ish!"