Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 305 3/15/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Ep 305 (3/15/26)

Broadcast Date: March 15, 2026
Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons

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Episode Overview

In this classic edition of Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike offer their trademark comedic spin on the week’s headlines and quirks of modern life. With St. Patrick’s Day and the Oscars looming, they riff on everything from Oscars predictions (and bets), to LA vs. NY weather, masturbation apps, Uber’s new women-only ride feature, bizarre Florida and Philly tales, and the world of comedy corrections. As always, the guys pepper their news reading with personal anecdotes, behind-the-scenes stories, and running gags—making for an episode that’s equal parts news and nostalgia.

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Main Themes & Key Discussion Points

1. Scheduling Woes and Comedic Banter

[01:00–04:40]

• The perennial struggle of finding time to record, given Greg’s gigs on the road and Mike’s travels.
• Playful passive-aggressiveness over their shifting schedule and Greg’s golf priorities ("the 9am tee time... that’s how I find out that’s not too early for you").
• Riffing on modern phone etiquette vs. old-school callers ("My pulse races, I immediately think somebody died when I get a phone call." – Greg, 05:07).

2. Upcoming St. Patrick’s Day and Parade Nostalgia

[05:22–08:11]

• Greg’s upcoming appearance on Good Day LA to promote the St. Patrick’s Day show.
• Mike prepping for a NY trip and discussing plans to march in the rain with his dad.
• Parades, unpredictable March weather, and growing up with New York’s moody springs.

3. LA vs. NY Weather and SoCal Hippie Culture

[08:11–11:17]

• Contrast between LA’s balmy spring and NY’s weather mood swings ("if I had to pick one month to not be in New York... it would be March. Because March teases you." – Mike, 08:38).
• Greg’s Venice Beach adventure: "I take a fistful of magic mushrooms... watched the sunset while 35 hippies played bongo drums... the Venice bike parade starts coming... trailers with a pit bull wearing sunglasses..." (09:30–10:57).

4. Neighborhood Anecdotes: Toluca Lake and Celebrity Encounters

[11:23–14:07]

• A meandering tangent through Toluca Lake, its retro charm, and famous residents.
• Mike’s W.C. Fields story and a digression about Andrew Santino’s golf and back issues.

5. Mike & Greg’s Oscars Ballot Showdown

[15:32–21:53]

• Intentionally speedy rundown through their Oscar picks, with typical snark and invented movie titles ("I’m going DEI with Michael B. Jordan, who played two roles in the movie." – Greg, 16:36).
• Small bet escalates throughout the conversation ("You’re down $40. I suggest we put that on the Oscars." – Greg, 26:51).
• Behind-the-scenes story of the famous Ellen Oscars selfie: "That’s not what was supposed to happen ... and Bradley Cooper jumps up and goes, I’ll take it …" (22:10–24:02).

6. Corrections & Comedy Police

[24:41–30:29]

• Corrections segment includes revisiting a bet on when the US would strike Iran, with playful bickering about time zones.
• Classic “me and my mom went to the beach” vs. “my mom and I” correction from a listener – Greg quips, "I always forget that you went to the beach with this. John's mom." (28:05).
• The “quicksand bit” and John Mulaney attribution clarification (30:01–30:29).

7. News Stories and Social Commentary

A. Masturbation App Data Leak

[34:10–38:41]

• Coverage of the Quitter (Quittr) app, designed to help men stop watching porn, but ironically leaks its user data.
• Greg: "I panic button—I consider masturbation to be my panic button. It's my stress outlet." (34:52)
• Laughing at the concept of “emergency no fap help” and imagining a community of quitters.

B. Oscars Security: Iranian Drone Threats

[39:01–39:51]

• Speculation about threats to the Oscars, mixing in jokes about LA strikes and apocalyptic messaging.

C. Teacher Death Prank in Georgia

[39:51–43:07]

• News of a Georgia teacher killed in a student prank gone wrong; the family advocates for leniency.
• Greg recounts his own stories of pranking teachers: "There was this one guy, Dr. Quinn … I would jump out the window ... then come back in and act like nothing happened." (43:37–44:35).

D. Uber Launches Women-Only Feature

[44:44–48:18]

• Uber’s new nationwide option for women riders and drivers to pair up, sparking a lawsuit from male drivers over discrimination.
• Mike: "What’s that app women use to hook up? Oh yeah, Uber. Guaranteed." (46:23).
• Jokes riff on gender stereotypes and driving ("That’s gonna sound sexist, but it’s absolutely true." – Greg, 48:12).

E. Florida Man & Make America Philly

[52:51–58:17]

• Florida: Man claims he was kidnapped by dolphins and forced to build an underwater city ("The project foreman was a dolphin named Gerald... Gerald handled that. I didn’t ask questions. You don’t question Gerald." – Mike, 55:10–56:42).
• Philly: The fate of hitchBOT, a hitchhiking robot destroyed in Philadelphia after making it safely across Canada and Europe.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On phone calls:
  "It's actually invasive when somebody calls you now...like my heart immediately speeds up, I think immediately someone died."
  – Greg, [04:51–05:07]

• Venice drum circle description:
  "We went into the drum circle and watched the sunset while 35 hippies played bongo drums. People dancing, hot chicks dancing, dogs playing, little kids..."
  – Greg, [09:30–09:50]

• On Oscars betting:
  "Whoever gets the most, right?"
  "Okay, yeah, obviously..."
  – 16:00

• “Community” in Masturbation Apps:
  "A panic button for emergency no fap help. My panic button—I consider masturbation to be my panic button. It's my stress outlet."
  – Greg, 34:52

• HitchBOT’s Fate in Philly:
  "...it was found with its head and arms ripped off in Philadelphia."
  – Mike, 58:08

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Segment Timestamps

• Episode Cold Open / Banter: [01:00–04:40]
• St. Patrick’s Day / NY & LA Life: [05:22–11:17]
• Oscars Ballot & Betting: [15:32–21:53]
• Ellen Oscars Selfie Story: [22:10–24:02]
• Corrections & Listener Mail: [24:41–30:29]
• Masturbation App Breach: [34:10–38:41]
• Oscar Security & Drone Threats: [39:01–39:51]
• Teacher Prank Gone Wrong: [39:51–43:07]
• Uber’s Women-Only Feature: [44:44–48:18]
• Strange Florida Story: [52:51–56:42]
• Make America Philly (hitchBOT): [57:26–58:17]
• Caption Contest (Funnies): [70:00–73:57]

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Running Gags & Listener Engagement

• Regular jabs about Greg's memory, age, and phone etiquette.
• Listeners' corrections and attributions of comedy bits.
• Promoting a "Sweet 16" bracket for biggest news stories (sports tease for next episode).
• "Caption Contest" with winners receiving a Sunday Papers koozie.

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Final Thoughts & Closing

• Reminders for listeners to support sponsors (Quo.com), attend Greg’s shows, and celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.
• A tongue-in-cheek endorsement: "Celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Listen to some Pogues, read some Yeats, have some corned beef and cabbage. Get in a fight, for God's sake." – Greg, [77:01–77:12]
• Classic sign-off: "Take it ish!"

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

It's Sunday

[C]

paper time. It's Sunday paper time. Go get em. Greg and Mike.

[B]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers. March is here.

[C]

There he is.

[B]

It's. It's the ides of March today. March 15th.

[C]

Sure is. No one that's fading fast

[B]

around.

[C]

It stuck around for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years till this uneducated little era we're in.

[B]

Well, I think we should bring back the era because it was like the ancient Romans, which is basically Epstein's island of its day.

[C]

Paul, with Caligula and everybody.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[C]

And a bunch of them. Sure.

[B]

I think it was the whole Senate. I think all the senators. The Senate pages back then, and it. And we kept that tradition alive. I think back in the 70s, there was a lot of Senate pages getting. Wasn't there a joke about how do they keep track of the long bills? They just. They. They bend over the page. The Senate pages.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. And everyone knew that joke. Yeah. Welcome to the Senate pages.

[B]

I just love when there's traditional jokes that are hearty har. You tell with your parents, and they're about grape child. Grape.

[C]

Oh, yeah. You have a story in here about grape. I saw.

[B]

Yes. We'll make sure we use all the right terms for it.

[C]

All right, let's just tell people it's early in the morning. This is the earliest we've done the podcast now, a little backstory. So you text me like you do most weeks, like, all right, what's the schedules? You're on the road so much. I'm like, I go to New York tomorrow, and you're like, Friday or Saturday? I go, I can't do Saturday. I'm on a plane all day to New York. So you're like, Friday, great. And then you're like, listen, can't do early because I have a late set in town. Which is very common for you to say.

[B]

Meaning last night.

[C]

Yes, last night. Thursday night. It's Friday right now. You're like, so I can't do. I can't do early. I'm like, oh, all right. And I kind of only had early. I'm like, all right, so let's make it work. Whatever. Cut to. I'm asked by the fellas, hey, are you in for golf tomorrow at 9? I'm like, yeah, I can't. I go, I gotta do the podcast. Because we agreed to do the podcast at, at like 9am and then. Or maybe it was mid afternoon. So I'm like, I can't. I got to do the podcast. Oh, we're going to do it 11. And they're like, well, Greg's golfing. And I'm like, the 9am tee time. And that's how I find out that's not too early for you.

[B]

Not only that, but I was going to be go. I was going to leave the golf course early because I'm going over to do good day LA at 11:15.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And so, So I totally spaced that. But then I said, right, what about playing at. What about doing it later? And you said, you're playing. Are you playing golf at 2 o'? Clock?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. So Mike's passive aggressive way of dealing with all this was just to then ghost me yesterday.

[C]

No, no, no, no. I. I cancel the early golf because then meanwhile, this is our little nine hole public course, so we can get out there whenever. But I was like, I go, no, I'll play later because we agreed to play early. And then the best is though, yesterday, after all this, you're like, all right, you know what, let's just do Saturday. I'm like, I told you, I'm on a flight all day. Like, why even bother contacting me early in the week?

[B]

Well, you know, I would do this over a phone call where we could figure the whole thing out.

[C]

Don't call me. Don't call me.

[B]

You don't answer your phone. You don't answer your phone.

[C]

No one does. Come on. The kids understand.

[B]

Actually invasive when somebody calls you now it like it like I am.

[C]

We have a friend who's a caller.

[B]

Yes. Mikey Fitzgibbon.

[C]

We have a friend. And maybe we're describing every friend group. We have one in our group and he's a caller. And man, it's annoying.

[B]

Yep. And it's.

[C]

But I understand. He's driving.

[B]

My pulse races because I immediately think that somebody died when I get a phone call.

[C]

Is that what happens?

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[C]

Wow. I think your memory dies every time I get a call from you. I'm like, what did he forget? Here we go.

[B]

I am. I'm doing Good Day LA. Because the St. Patrick's Day show, which you're gonna miss. I know.

[C]

I'm headed to New York tomorrow, and

[B]

so I'm going on to promote that. I did the Woody show, which is a big radio show this week. I'm doing Klein and Alle on Monday. We got Sarah Silverman. We got Adam Ray, as, you know, Dr. Phil. Oh, I know, of course, Caroline Ray. We got Laura Kitelinger. And then we have a big, big surprise guest who won't allow me to say his name because he's doing, like, a huge theater show in town soon. And by. And these theater shows, they don't allow you to announce yourself on any. Any other show for like, three months leading up. To the. To the theater show.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I've heard about. I've heard about all those. The legal stuff, you know, before. So I head to New York tomorrow, and then right from whatever jfk, I get into the city staying at Pete's, although Pete has not at all told me how I'm doing that. Have you stayed there now? All right, so. But tomorrow night, seeing Tedeschi Trucks at the Beacon. Well, they're in the news this week. Yesterday, Derek Trucks at auction just bought Jerry Garcia's guitar for $11.5 million. No. Yep. It's all over. It's all over. At least my feed, which knows I like it, but it is all over. It's like a news story because Jerry Garcia's. Regardless of Derek Trucks, Jerry Garcia's guitar sold for. I mean, I think the price was nine and a half million or something. And then. But with the fees and all that 11.5, I feel like you would put

[B]

on Jerry Garcia's guitar, you would play a G chord and it would all fall apart and land on the ground because he's played it so hard for so many years.

[C]

Well, also, I don't know if it works without heroin.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

So we'll see. We're going to. But anyway, I mean, it's a. It's an impulse buy, man. It's a new purchase, and I hope it comes out on stage at the Beacon.

[B]

Yeah, that's pretty cool. And then. And then you're marching in the parade on. On Tuesday with your dad.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, if it's raining, which it's supposed to, which I have. We both have so many memories of rainy parades in New York. I remember the Thanksgiving parade. It would rain constantly when I was growing up. But I wonder if my dad will go out there if it's really pouring. Of course, the old, old version of my dad, it wouldn't even be a question. He'd be out there. But I w. I wonder what's going on. So we'll see.

[B]

In New York is insane. It's all anybody's talking about it. So, like, it was like 70 degrees out the other day, and then it went down to, like, snowing the next day. And now it's. Same thing's happening this week. It's going way up, way down. Snow. I swear to God, if I had to pick one month to not be in New York, it wouldn't be January, February, it would be March. Because March teases you.

[C]

Ah, look at you.

[B]

All right, meanwhile, it's 80 degrees here all week.

[C]

Not only that. No. So it. Whatever. I know we're talking about the weather, so we'll keep it short, but in Santa Monica, everyone thinks, oh, my God, sunny La la is sometimes 10 degrees hotter than Santa Monica, right? Like Santa Monica, Venice, water makes sense.

[B]

So even 30 degrees.

[C]

Well, I mean, the valley can honestly be 25 or 30 degrees hotter, but never even in August. It rarely gets in the 80s here. Like, if it's 78, 79, that is a hot summer day in Santa Monica. Next Friday, next Thursday, next Wednesday. 83 degrees in Santa Monica. It goes. Yeah, 82, 83, 81, 82. That's. I don't know what that's gonna spell out for when it travels across the country. A lot of times that's really bad storms.

[B]

I got back on Sunday from the road. I wrapped up like nine straight weekends on the road, and I was totally burnt. I was so happy to be home. I got in on a Sunday. And then o' Neill sends out a text, which you ghosted, saying, going to the beach. Who wants to go watch sunset? So. So I take a fistful of magic mushrooms and I go down to the beach and we go. And there was probably like 10 of us, and we went into the drum circle and watched the sunset while 35 hippies played bongo drums. People dancing, hot chicks dancing, dogs playing, little kids. And then the sun goes down. It was the most beautiful sunset. I'm peaking on my trip. And then the bent the Venice bike parade starts coming down the bike path, which, if you've never seen it, Sundays at sunset, about, I don't know, 300 bikes all.

[C]

It's more than that. And it's the most annoying thing ever.

[B]

I love it. They're decked out in day glow orange and green.

[C]

And there's like loser happy campers, hippies,

[B]

effing hippies, trailers with A pit bull wearing sunglasses on the back, and someone's blasting the doors. And. And then we walked over to Mao's Kitchen, which, if you ever go to Venice beach, you're looking for a place to eat. Mao's Kitchen has been there for 20 years.

[C]

Everyone agrees.

[B]

So not overrated. We eat there all the time.

[C]

You should do mushrooms all the time. I mean, this is the most positive review of a bunch of depressing things I've ever heard.

[B]

Oh, you know, you. Why do you live here? Go, go move to Toluca Lake.

[C]

The bike parade doesn't reach there. The pit bull with sunglasses doesn't reach there.

[B]

No, Toluca Lake is where all the retired actors walk around walking their dogs, going to AA meetings, bumping into younger people and sucking the life out of them because they have nothing but time, and they want to ask them what's going on in the business right now.

[C]

I went to George Lopez, lived in Toluca Lake before he. His whole life fell apart. Personal life. Anyway, I'm at his Christmas party, or maybe I was over there and we were writing over there or something, but we're in his kitchen. He's like, hey. He's like, yo, yo. He's like, right. This is my view. And he's like, pointing out the kitchen window and across the street. It was. Help me with the name. Her body is a wonderland. The song is written about her from ghosts. Oh, come on. Everyone knows who I'm talking. Jennifer. Jennifer. What's her name?

[B]

Oh, Jennifer Gray.

[C]

Oh, Jesus Christ. This is the worst.

[B]

Jennifer Aniston.

[C]

No, Jennifer Love Hewitt. He goes. He goes right there. He's like that. He's like, right there. That's her kitchen window. He's like. It's like, everyone. Incentive to get up early. That's it. Okay, now, Kevin Meaney got a little creepy.

[B]

Kevin Meaney lived in Toluca Lake. And it really is. It's like, if I had to live in the Valley, would be Toluca Lake. It's such a cute little town.

[C]

Oh, it's the 1950s for sure.

[B]

And it's got that old diner. Patty's right in the middle of it. And. Oh, and it's. And it's literally got a lake, Toluca Lake, which butts up against. There's a golf course. And in a famous old. What's his name? Movie. No, I hate Cash.

[C]

Oh, a Cagney.

[B]

No, he's a comedian. He was an old comedian, did a film called the dentist.

[C]

Oh, W.C. fields.

[B]

W.C. fields. He lived on one side of the lake.

[C]

This is amazing. Start to the podcast.

[B]

And in the. And in the movie, he gets in a rowboat with his golf clubs, and he rose across the lake to the golf course and then plays, which is literally what he used to do. He lived on one side of the lake, and the club was on the.

[C]

Oh, that's very cool.

[B]

Riverside. Was the. Was the Riverside.

[C]

No, no, lakes.

[B]

Lakeside. Lakeside is the club. Andrew Santino's taking me golfing there a couple times.

[C]

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, he's been to it. I ran into him over there at a restaurant, like, a year ago, and I guess so. He has a really bad back. Did you know that?

[B]

Yeah. Meanwhile, he's. He's like a three handicap in golf with a bad back.

[C]

Yeah, he plays. He plays a lot. All right, so did I tell you

[B]

that we went to a Lakers game recently?

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah, we went to a Lakers game, and then the. The camera came around, and they. You know, he's kind of a big deal. So they. They came up and they said, do you mind? And we were like. We were like, fourth row, center court. The camera comes up and goes, can we. Do you want. Hey, you want us put. Put you up on the Jumbotron? And he's like, nah, you know what? I don't really. I'm not into it tonight. Thank you so much, but no. And they walk away, and I'm. And I'm beaming at him, and he goes, what? I go, what the fuck, man? He's like, oh, did you want that? I go, do I want to be on the jumbotron during a Lakers game? Yes. So he jumps up and he runs down and he gets the camera, and he comes back, and he didn't tell me he was gonna do this. He told the camera guy, and they. And they called it into the booth, and then they put the camera on us, and then it said kiss cam. And he grabbed me and he kissed me for, like, 15 seconds on the side of my face. And it was just. That kiss came up on the Jumbotron and somebody videotaped it, I think. Think I posted on Instagram. I can't.

[C]

Oh, that's funny. I was going to say my dumb joke was that his wife can't know he's in a gay relationship with you. That's why he didn't want to go up on the cam.

[B]

All right, so today is the Oscars, buddy. Oscars. Let's get to it.

[C]

Today is the Oscars. It's also lots of threats. We'll get to that from Iran, apparently trying to disrupt our. Our little Los Angeles holiday here. But.

[B]

But.

[C]

All right, let's do the Oscar ballot. I printed out the New York Times.

[B]

All right, let's get through this fast. Let's do it fast. We got to put money on it. Let's put some money on it.

[C]

All right. What are you sure?

[B]

Whoever gets the most, right?

[C]

Okay, yeah, obviously. All right, let's start with picture pal. What do you think?

[B]

How much. How much we betting?

[C]

Oh, 10 bucks.

[B]

All right, 10 bucks. Best picture. I'm going with. Let's see. Marty Supreme. Begonia. Frankenstein. I'll go with one battle after another. That seems to be all the hype.

[C]

Same with me.

[B]

Okay, Best director. I'm taking Paul Thomas Anderson for one battle after another.

[C]

Same with me.

[B]

Best actor.

[C]

This is boring.

[B]

It's between Shamalay and Michael B. Jordan. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go DEI with Michael B. Jordan, who played two roles in the movie.

[C]

Same with me.

[B]

Boy, this is going great. Best actress, Jessie Buckley for Hamnet is a Lock.

[C]

Same with me.

[B]

Supporting actor. I'm going with Sean Penn. Sean Penn. One battle after another.

[C]

Same with me.

[B]

This is really great. Best supporting actress.

[C]

Normally you're wrong with Queen Crazy Picks.

[B]

I'm going L. Fanning. I really liked sentimental Value. Nobody saw Woonie Wosaku for Sinners. I'm going to go with that.

[C]

All right, who are you going with?

[B]

Me. Mosaku for Sinners.

[C]

Okay, I'm going with Amy Madigan.

[B]

I don't even see her up.

[C]

That's where I win my $10. Original screenplay.

[B]

Original screenplay. I'm gonna say, you know what? Sinners was a very. It was not a good screenplay, actually. I saw Sentimental Value and I really. I'm gonna go Sentimental value.

[C]

Okay, I'm going with sinners. You're going with cinema. I already. I'm. I'm already spending this $10, man.

[B]

Adapted screenplay. I'm going with Hamnet. Hamnet.

[C]

You're going Hamnet. I'm going one battle after another.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

I mean, come on. Hamnet compared to Hamlet. What are we talking about here? I think that's casting.

[B]

No, no, no. We're not picking casting.

[C]

Come on, let's go through it fast. We need tiebreakers.

[B]

All right, have casting. I'll go one battle after another.

[C]

Okay, I'm going Marty Supreme.

[B]

Okay, editing. I'll say F1.

[C]

F1. For editing, Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm gonna go one. Oh, boy. What am I gonna do? Marty Supreme. Maybe that's where they give it to Marty Supreme. Supreme. I'm gonna go, Marty Supreme.

[B]

Animated feature. I'm going to be.

[C]

It should be one battle after K Pop.

[B]

Demon Hunters for animated feature.

[C]

Animated feature.

[B]

I'm going K Pop Also documentary feature. I don't. Literally don't know any of these. Nobody. My. Nobody against Putin. I'll go with that because it sounds the most political.

[C]

Nobody against Putin. You're putting.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm going to write in the Diddy documentary. That's what I want to win. I think it's going to win somehow. I'm going with the perfect neighbor.

[B]

Okay. International feature. I'm going sentimental value, 100%.

[C]

Same here. And maybe we've already exhausted everything. I don't think we need production design.

[B]

That's good.

[C]

Oh, wait, cinematography. That's kind of a big one.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Cinematography.

[C]

I will go, oh, geez, I don't know what it is.

[B]

Where is that? Okay. I. Frankenstein, Marty Supreme. One battle after the other. I think one battle after another. Is it the one that had that. That shot of them driving over the road and it was like a drone shot that everybody was talking about?

[C]

No, that was Frankenstein on the highway. Yes. One battle after another.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, so I'm taking one battle after another for that.

[C]

So am I. Okay. We can. We can end it.

[B]

There we go.

[C]

Like, song and score, but I think we're good.

[B]

Those are all.

[C]

But Frankenstein is supposed to get a lot of the production.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

So, yeah, like, you know, it. It got, like, the most. Even though Del Toro got snubbed as director. So wait, one quick thing about that shot that you just referenced on One Bathroom. It's a very interesting story that I think is very telling with AI. Like, it's a very good AI story. So they. They shot that scene twice, at least. And the one time they shot it, it was perfect. And they both met and they're watching the feedback, and it was too perfect. And the cinematographer then said to Paul Thomas Anderson, hey, I'm gonna loosen the bolts a little on the rig that holds the camera to the. To the truck that's shooting this, the follow truck. I'm gonna actually just, with my, you know, hand, loosen the bolts that have the camera. Cause it's too still. It looks too. Almost like a drone shot it. So we want it to be basically more human. And that's where you get that shaking, which is the most famous thing about it. Like, people said it was very visceral watching it. That's literally because they loosened bolts holding the camera down.

[B]

I Heard a different story. I heard that they put Michael J. Fox on the back of the truck and they gave him the camera.

[C]

Don't say that. I just got. I just got his autograph. Do you want to see it? And then I hold up chicken scratch

[B]

logo this week comes from Jane. It's an Oscar picture. It's referring obviously to the Ellen one from. What was that six years ago?

[C]

You mean the one that I had a hand in creating?

[B]

Oh, that's right. So a little selfie.

[C]

I've probably told this story. That's not what was supposed to happen. It was a very simple joke. She was going to be in the audience and Meryl Streep was there. And the joke as written was Ellen was going to say, oh, my God, I cannot believe it's Meryl Streep. Meryl, would you do. Would you take a picture with me? And so Ellen sits down or takes a knee next to Meryl Streep and reaches out to do a selfie. Then Ellen, as scripted, says, oh, my arm's not long enough. Can you. And then she hands Meryl Streep the camera and goes, can you just take a picture of me? And then Ellen was going to be there alone. I thought it was a pretty funny joke. That's what we were going to do. That's exactly what starts to happen. And she goes, oh, my arm isn't long enough. Bradley Cooper jumps up and goes, I'll take it. And we're all in. The writers. We're all, like, in the. In the wings of the stage. Like, no, you idiot.

[B]

And then this happened and everybody just jumped in.

[C]

Everyone just jumped in. And by the way, if you study that photo, which was apparently the. The biggest selfie ever taken or what, it's not. Meanwhile, it's not a selfie. But you will notice the only person looking right down the lens at you is Kevin Spacey. He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. Yeah, Everyone else is doing the, like, looking at, I guess, themselves in the camera or whatever. It was like. Like we all do. Kevin Spacey knew to look right at the lens on the phone.

[B]

Yeah, well, they. Everybody is. Well, Poet goes to show you why they're the top of their field. They're all well posed. We need songs. We need some more songs. This week's. I sent it to you. It was Jeff Snyder. Did you listen? Mike Gibbons.

[C]

You sent it to me.

[B]

Yes, I did, three days ago.

[C]

I thought you just stopped that altogether.

[B]

Jeff Snyder, thank you very much. I wrote to Him. I go, you really put your heart into this. Which I thought, like, oh, I hope that didn't sound passive aggressive. Like,

[C]

I'm listening to it right now. Nice. Jeff.

[B]

Yes. Piano work, and it's very. It's very much like what we're looking for. It's non AI corrections this week. All right, Mike, are you ready for this? Correction. I'm about to knock you on your ass. All right, we. We bet $20.

[C]

Because that song sounds very geese. Like. I just want to tell. I want to.

[B]

I want to mention geese.

[C]

All right, go ahead. Corrections.

[B]

All right, so we had a $20 bet, which was based on a cow. She bet about when we would strike Iran. You said when we would strike Iran. Can you please play the tape, Matt?

[C]

We have to follow up on our bet. You were wrong. I'm the one who bet we would bomb Iran before the end of February.

[B]

No, by February 28th. Is that the last day? Because that's literally the day they struck.

[C]

All I know is the calendar said February. Fine, I'll take the bet. I think we're going to attack before February 28. Before February 28.

[B]

Before February 28. By the way, I win the bet.

[C]

We don't listen when we talk, but you guys sadly have to listen to us. I don't know.

[B]

All right, well, let's find out.

[C]

Before February 28th.

[B]

You lost the bet.

[C]

Come. What are you talking about?

[B]

What am I talking about? You literally said, before February 28th.

[C]

When did we strike?

[B]

February 20th. Here it is. On February 28th, Israel and the United States launched surprise airstrikes on multiple sites and cities across Iran, killing Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. So there we go.

[C]

What time is so many time zones away?

[B]

You.

[C]

Before February 28th is right over.

[B]

Yeah, he adjusted it for the time zone.

[C]

We talked about them. You said. I said this month. I'm going back. Whatever.

[B]

You know what? There's the videotape.

[C]

I'm gonna go back and watch. I bet I said this month.

[B]

Okay, okay. Well, before the end of this month,

[C]

I bet I said that.

[B]

You're down 40 bucks. I suggest we put that on the Oscars.

[C]

Wait, how am I down 40?

[B]

You lost $5 in paddle tennis, then another $5 in paddle tennis. You were down 10. And then we bet $10 on something, and you were down 20. At which point you said you weren't going to pay me.

[C]

All right, yeah, I'm going to win the Oscars. We could do that, but do you want to save a little for March Madness? I'm Already in the bet. I actually. I already found my betting partners.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I'm taking the under every game. Hundred bucks. Let's go, kids. Ms. Buckets.

[B]

All right, so we're saying $40 on the Oscars?

[C]

Sure. Let it ride, baby.

[B]

I think you have an advantage because I made one bad pick.

[C]

More than that.

[B]

Okay. And then there's other corrections. Okay. I wasn't gonna write anything because it didn't seem like a big correction, but then you said there weren't any corrections. This week, I will offer you one. English major Greg Fitzsimmons said to me, said me and my mom went to the beach. It should be, my mom and I went to the beach, because you can't say me went to the beach. I always forget that you went to

[C]

the beach with this. John's mom. Is that the correction?

[B]

I have photos. Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[B]

By the way, your new podcast company is great, because here on the east coast, we get the podcast so much.

[C]

Everyone's raving about that.

[B]

Everybody's raving. That was from John, and then Norm from Whistler, British Columbia, said, fellow Canadian, I'm one quarter three months of lessons before you can start kite surfing in Jupiter beach, dude. Most people get six to nine hours of lessons and are good to go. Also, kiters are in amazing shape. I'm a fat fuck and a pretty good kiter. I don't believe. Because he's in British Columbia. It's fucking. There's no. It's because it's ice. He's ice surfing. You can't. You can't drown.

[C]

And a fat guy named Norm. I don't buy it.

[B]

Sean said, I hear folks say PDF file instead of saying PDF file.

[C]

File is already in it. Right with the F. Right, right. I got it. Okay. What? Wait, who said that? Wait, is that a thing?

[B]

That was a guy from named Sean.

[C]

You said PDF file.

[B]

I know. I said the word that got us kicked off the algorithm. He said, if you want to avoid that, say PDF file.

[C]

Oh, I'm following now. That's very tricky. He said, so good. I didn't even get it.

[B]

All right, Ron said, I'm happy to help out on this one because this bit is too good not to give credit to the proper comic. The quicksand bit that Mike did is from John Mulaney's special New in Town from 2012. Transcribe below. I was a very nervous kid. I was anxious all the time when I was younger. But that's. But what's nice is that some of the things I was Anxious about don't bother me anymore. Like, I always thought that quicksand was going to be a bit. Much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand's like the third. All right. But previously, someone accused us of stealing it from Adam Carolla.

[C]

Oh, okay. Well, you know, the show cut the promo and left out the part where I said, I don't know whose bit this is. And so. But I'm glad, I'm glad the comedy police didn't come after me.

[B]

Right? You don't need that. Speaking of comedy, please come on out and see if I'm stealing anything at the St. Patrick's Day show. Tuesday, March 17. Get tickets at Fitzdog. That will sell out. Get the tickets right away. Janesville, Wisconsin. The Comedy Cabin will absolutely not sell out. That's March 20th through the 21st. Bakersfield, California, the well, April 18th. Escondido Grand Comedy Club, April 24th, 25. And then I'll be up in Boston AT LAUGH Boston. May 29th and 3rd.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Fitzdog.com. get your tickets. Come on out. Also, we want to give a shout out to Gotham Production Studio. I think that's what they're called. I don't know if there's a. Well, I don't know if there's a studio at the end or if it's just Gotham Productions, but that's what it says. Doing a great job. Also, it's. It's important that we talk about this because it's a new year and people are trying to get their business communications down. We look at the messier parts and we think, is there a better way to do this? And one of the quickest, quickest, ease, quickiest ways to do this, it's quo.

[C]

It's kind of like Quokiest.

[B]

Well, here's how you upgrade. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O. The smartest way to run your business. Communications. It's about, look, you don't want to miss opportunities. If you get calls to your business, sometimes one person gets it, other people aren't aware that it came through. And this way, everything is. Your whole team shares one business number. You reply fast, you're on top of every customer conversation. It's all about missed opportunities because everybody knows in business it can come down to that one communication. And you got to treat everyone like it's that one. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3,000 reviews. More than 90,000 businesses from solo Operators to growing teams rely on Quo to stay connected, professional and consistently reachable. Quo works wherever you are from. The app on your phone or computer lets you keep your existing number, add new numbers or teammates in minutes, sync your CRM, and rely on seamless routing and call flows as your business scales. Look, everybody uses it's one number. No more missed calls, disconnected phone calls. Quo isn't just a phone system. It's a smart system. They automatically log calls, generate summaries, highlight next steps. It's like everything from AI and everything comes together. Make this the year where no opportunity has and no customer slips away. Try quo for free. Plus 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com papers. That's quo.com papers. Quo. No missed calls, no missed customers. Just do it. Just free video and social, please. It's all there. Quo.com papers.

[C]

Just do it. Get to quo.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Do you have paper?

[B]

Let me see what I have. Yeah, I've got a little packet that's got earplugs and I'm gonna scrunch it.

[C]

I love it. There it is. Done. You loaded this duck, I gotta say. And here you go. Here's Greg. First story.

[B]

Well, this one got kind of cut out. It was in a weird format, so some of the words are missing. A viral app to help men stop masturbating expose thousands of users data the app. Quitter Quittr claims to be the number one porn addiction app to quit porn forever on its website. It apparently blocks porn websites on one's device as well as tracks one's abstinence from porn. Quitter also has community features like groups. A panic button for emergency no fap help. I panic button. I consider masturbation to be my panic button. It's my stress outlet.

[C]

I'm going to involve dudes. I'm going to involve other quitters. What is happening here?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's just a matter of time until they're talking dirty to each other. Or also, like, if you block. If you block porn from your website, are there no other phones or computers in the house? You're going to find a way.

[C]

Yeah. Some people even have an imagination.

[B]

The. That's true.

[C]

Or their neighbor's panties that they got in the laundry room. Who knows what they got?

[B]

I can't even tell you. The idea of porn addiction persists in the US which lacks comprehensive sex education requirements in many states. Only 37% of states require sex education to be medically accurate, according to Boston University. Hey, we went to bu. Good Luck. Getting addicted.

[C]

There it is.

[B]

When. When there's four guys in a dorm room on top of each other, that'll keep you from jerking off

[C]

now. What do you mean? You don't. You just. You don't need porn. You got a circle going in the living room.

[B]

There it is.

[C]

You're not. It's not even called masturbation.

[B]

No, it will. It is. It puts the mass in masturbation in this environment, Quitter has thrived. The app has been downloaded 1.5 million times. Jesus Christ. Porn has been downloaded. So they leaked data.

[C]

They could have, should have called it winner.

[B]

They leaked data about hundreds of thousands of users. Masturbation habits. Just. You want to know their habits? Set up a hidden microphone in the locker room of the men's rugby team. You'll get all the data on masturbation you'll need.

[C]

Poor, poor Steve. Look at Steve. He's hit the panic button. Every day in February, that data gets

[B]

out there and it's Black history month. So he was only watching black porn.

[C]

I hear a little true story, a little sharing too much. But so literally alone. Here's the setting. Alone here in my apartment. I'll then, let's say launch some particular site here on my laptop. And an ad runs, as we all know. They make you watch a quick ad for like five seconds or something at the top, and literally it's this woman's voice, and it's like, tired of masturbating alone. And I literally have out loud said, nope, not kidding. And it cracks me up. And then I get to business.

[B]

That's that. That's that porn roulette, right? That's the ad for the porn roulette.

[C]

I don't even know. Well, don't. Don't do an ad for them. They're not paying for this.

[B]

Oh, no, it's not an ad at all. It came out six or seven years ago, and it advertised that you were going to masturbate with men and women and that it literally, like every. Every, like, five seconds. You could click to go to the next one, but it shows you somebody masturbating on their computer. And then you can choose to continue watching them or move on to the next one. Here's the problem. It was all dudes. Oh, yeah. It was literally 95% dudes plus, like seven women that were paid 500 bucks for the day to jump in. Just to give it some sense of.

[C]

I don't need that. I'm already doing it with anyone that can see in my window.

[B]

Right?

[C]

I'M right there. I'm pressed against it.

[B]

Jennifer Love Hewitt.

[C]

Yeah, there it is.

[B]

I just love it here. Yeah, I just love that it's. It's leaking. The data is leaking. Here's some breaking news. You're a 16 year old boy and you masturbate a lot. Oh, no. My secret is out.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's another story.

[C]

This is quite a gear shift.

[B]

Do we want to do this one?

[C]

No. But anyway, it's a story about contracts for drones. We talked earlier, the Oscars. So have you heard about this threat? There were rumors, I guess, or chatter that California and Los Angeles that there would be Iranian drones.

[B]

Yes, I did hear that. It was on all our feeds. Everybody was freaking out.

[C]

I know, but the joke's on Iran because there's no shooting in LA anymore. That's my little fun thing. Nobody shoots in LA anymore. So also Los Angeles is like, oh, strikes, strikes. Get in line. We got the WGA's threatening to strike again. Directors, go ahead, get in line. Iran.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. At this point, the strike. We are hoping to get killed. We're so tired of striking. Please hit the strike line. All right, so the family of a Georgia teacher who died over the weekend after a high school student. High school student prank gone wrong says they fully support dropping criminal charges against the five teenage students who were involved in the prank. In a statement, the family of a North High School math teacher, Jason Hughes, said, we are thankful for the outpouring of prayers and support as we grieve the loss of Jason. We ask that you extend grace.

[C]

Crazy.

[B]

The family also said Hughes knew the students were coming to his house and was excited to catch them during the prank. Police in Gainesville, Georgia, said the five teenagers went to Hughes home on Friday night to throw toilet paper at the trees on the property. When Hughes came outside, the students, all 18, attempted to flee in two vehicles. At one point, Hughes tripped and fell into the roadway and one of the teen students ran him over. Sheriff's office said Wallace and the other teens tried to render aid, but Hughes later died at the hospital. And they said they did use the toilet paper to wipe up the blood in the driveway. So at least they did.

[C]

That widow, they still TP'd him. They just wrapped him up in it. His corpse, he's like a mummy laying there in the driveway. This is how I like to think of it. I like to think that Hughes just pranked these kids. He's going to pop out, like, surprise your little dirt bags.

[B]

Right, right. Oh, my God. I remember when I used To. I used to stay at my. My cousin Danny's house out in Long Island. And his father, my Uncle Paul, was a badass. He was in the Navy. He was a construction worker. He used to drink a lot of shea for beer every night. And he would hit not only his children. He would hit us. He would hit his nephews.

[C]

I love.

[B]

So we go out, me and Danny go out one night, and we're probably like 12 years old, even younger, maybe like 11 years old. And we went across the street at like midnight, and we had toilet paper and we TP'd the house across the street, you know, all the. All the trees and whatever. And we come back to the house, house, and we go into the garage and the door to the house is locked. And we had kept it open. Went to the back door locked, front door locked. And then we go to the other side door, and there is Uncle Paul sitting there with a Shaffer beer. And we both got a little. We both got a couple slaps from that one.

[C]

You didn't. You didn't back over him in the driveway. Oh, we're locked out. I guess we should TP our own house as well. I literally had a thought of you, your parents just sending you to a cousin's house and how. What. What a. Like, what a chore for them. I mean, it's like, here you go. Take our young Gregory.

[B]

He.

[C]

He's not a handful. This will go swimmingly.

[B]

Well, they paid us back because later their daughter came and lived with us. She was a troubled teenager, and she lived at our house for like a year. And, I mean, she joined a cult

[C]

to get away from the Shaffer Dad. The Shaffer. The one beer to have when you're having more than one. That was their literal ad campaign, when

[B]

you're having more than 12. But we used to prank our teachers constantly. There was this one guy, Dr. Quinn, and he wore a plaid blazer, and he always had dandruff on his shoulders. So we would put head and shoulders on his desk. And then when he would go and write on the board, his classroom was on the ground floor. And so in the springtime, the windows would be open, and he'd go up to the board to write, and I would jump out the window. And then I would come around and I would come back, and everybody in the class knew it. And I'd come back into the classroom, and I just walk in and he'd go, where were you? I go, I went to the bathroom. He goes, when did you go to the bathroom? I go, Dr. Quinn, I just asked you five minutes ago, can I go to the bathroom? And he would get really confused. He goes, just sit down.

[C]

Next class, Dr. Quinn, has your uncle with all the Shaffers sitting in the classroom just ready to beat the tar out of you.

[B]

Oh, God. Uber launched a meeting, a feature Monday to allow both women riders and drivers across the US to be matched with other women for trips. A program aimed at addressing concerns about the safety of of its ride hailing platform. The new features being rolled out nationwide despite an ongoing class action lawsuit against the policy in California filed by Uber drivers who argue that it discriminates against men. I gotta say, the guys that are that are suing over this, let's check their records. Let's see. Let's see what their past looks like.

[C]

By the way, just a fun fact. The president, the head of Uber, the CEO from Hackley.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Khosrow Shahi. There were two Khosrowshahi brothers. They were the best soccer players in the school. I know your sister and brother. Although your brother didn't last. Like me, he didn't last that long at Hackley. Hackley is a school in Tarrytown that our fam, my sister graduated from. So did Greg's. Like, if you texted your sister right now, she definitely knows Khadra Shahi. They were Iranian, by the way. He's probably having a busy week. But yeah, they're. They're getting so much heat. The New York Times did a big story on this.

[B]

And then I had, well, I think we know it. I think we know there's not going to be drone strikes from Iran. It's going to be Uber strikes.

[C]

And then I've had the dumb joke recently, which is, what's that app women use to hook up? Oh, yeah, Uber. Well, guaranteed.

[B]

So women can request a female driver. Passengers can opt for another ride if the wait for a woman is too long. In other words, when the woman gets lost trying to find. Find you.

[C]

Uber also allows parking takes a while.

[B]

Yes. Uber also allows teen account users to request women drivers. The company launched a version of the feature in Saudi Arabia in 2019, following the country's landmark law granting women the right to drive. Well, good luck in that. Saudi traffic. Loud, crowded, and now you got to drive her with a pillowcase over her head so she's never going to see you.

[C]

Women couldn't drive till 2019 in Saudi Arabia.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

That's pretty. I wonder. Yeah, I'm viewing that as progressive. We should Try that here for a little while. See how it goes. See how it goes. I bet merging would go a lot better.

[B]

Merging?

[C]

Yeah, merging's the biggest problem in Los Angeles, mostly because they put the on ramp right before the off ramp, so you got this giant cross pattern happening at every exit.

[B]

I'll tell you what. I don't want to sound sexist, but when I get a female Uber driver, I factor in an extra five or ten minutes until she gets there. I'm not kidding. I. That's gonna sound sexist, but it's absolutely true.

[C]

They should have an app called. They should call a Woober Women's Uber. Just make it Woober.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Yeah. All right, so let's do Ethical Question.

[B]

Let's do it. It's your turn.

[C]

All right. Paper crinkle.

[B]

Paper crinkle.

[C]

Wrapper crinkle. All right, we're gonna make this short because I. They were horrible. I literally had to go back and find. Oh, no. Now it's time. Oh, oh, hold on.

[B]

You know what? I. I just think of ethical questions.

[C]

Yeah, no, yours are. Yours are horrible. Hold on, let me see if I can get this.

[B]

Mine are horrible. Whether or not you would kill a child molester, that's a pretty. Oh, did we just get kicked off the algorithm?

[C]

Yes, probably.

[B]

Can you beep that, Matt? Thank you.

[C]

This is. This is it. So the new. The new podcast here, we have to do it on Chrome. I don't have a New York Times account on Chrome. So anyway, here I just found. I went back to Safari to find my ethical question. Oh, God damn it. It's not doing it here. Oh, you fucking. Hold on a minute. Here it is. I remember it. I remember it. You ready? Here it is. I had to go back because they're not. The ones this week were horrible. I need an egg donor. Is it okay if I ask a former student? That's it.

[B]

Well, you would know whether or not they're smart, that's for sure. And, you know, whether or not they, you know, work hard.

[C]

I like your thinking.

[B]

So I would say absolutely. As long as they're not still a student, then it's fine. I mean, you can date. You can date an ex student. You just can't date them while you're still teaching them, because then you have the power to grade them.

[C]

Hold on. Now I've lost our feed here. So you're saying it's okay?

[B]

I think so.

[C]

I think a lot of people would have a problem with it.

[B]

Well, you're not having sex with her. You're Just extracting the egg and putting it in a petri dish.

[C]

Wait, how do you know there's no sex?

[B]

Well, you said donor, not receiver.

[C]

Right? Doer, not donor. Yeah, I know, but there is something. There is. I understand why it's an ethical question, though. You do, right? I mean, it seems a little part of the phrase a little sticky.

[B]

Why? She's not a student anymore.

[C]

What do you mean she?

[B]

It's. It's an egg. You're asking for an egg donor.

[C]

You said, I think the story was a female teacher with a male student.

[B]

Oh, well, that changes everything.

[C]

That. I think that's what. So your mind immediately went to the egg is the donor.

[B]

Well, that's how you said it. You can put it into a surrogate. You can take an egg from a student and put it into a surrogate and then fuck the surrogate.

[C]

I think everyone listening knew what I knew what I was describing. Except you.

[B]

Okay, what about this?

[C]

Also, when I hear teacher, it's like, doctor, I assume it's a woman. Like, when I hear Uber driver, I assume it's a man.

[B]

All right. Is it ethical? You're married. You can't get pregnant. Your husband's shooting duds, and you want to get artificial insemination, but you don't have the $10,000 a pop to try it. The woman has a male friend, and she says to the husband, can he just have sex with me until I get pregnant?

[C]

This happens.

[B]

That ethical? I'm sure it does.

[C]

Well, it's. Of course it's ethical if she's asking the husband, but what if she. What if she decides to. To be a. Do a solid, right? Be a. Be a good wife, and she just sleeps with the friend and then makes him feel great? Honey, occasionally some of your guys swim. This is a miracle. I'm pregnant.

[B]

And so we are. The ones that. That swim, ironically are the black ones.

[C]

Just. Let's. Let's not hang around Jim anymore. He might want to hang out more, but we should say no.

[B]

All right, let's. Let's make America. Florida, here you go.

[C]

This was sent in by two listeners. Fort Myers, Florida. Florida man. They had the picture of this guy. Florida man found sunburned and disoriented on a causeway, claiming he was kidnapped by dolphins and forced to build an underwater city. What an afternoon. Lee county sheriff's deputies responded to the Sanibel Causeway early Monday after a motorist reported a man standing on the shoulder, soaking water wet and drawing blueprints in the sand. According to the police report, Ricky James Hollowell, 33, was found barefoot, severely sunburned, and wearing only swim trunks. He told deputies he had been, quote, taken against his will by a pot of dolphins three days ago and forced to work on what he called an underwater construction report.

[B]

First of all, why would that be against your will? Who the fuck would not want to be taken by dolphins underwater on an adventure?

[C]

I think this is proof that dolphins aren't the smartest thing in the sea. Because if they want a sound city built with the right math and the right physics, you don't go to Florida. You got. You go up the coast a bit, get to Texas or someplace like that. All right. Hallowell claimed the dolphins approached him while he was swimming off Fort Myers beach and, quote, escorted him to a site approximately 40ft below the surface where they needed help building structures.

[B]

Is he sure that he didn't hallucinate? And these were actual Miami Dolphins? And they took him 40ft under the stadium and showed him the nickel defense they're going to be using in the fall.

[C]

You were so close to this on Venice beach, peeking on your mushrooms like this could have been you.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You could have left that drum circle.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And gone. I mean, the drum circle. Talk about low. Low intelligence also. All right, so he told the officers the dolphins communicated through a series of clicks that he eventually learned to interpret. And the project foreman was a dolphin.

[B]

He.

[C]

He referred to. This is the best. Details are the best things in stories. And now. And believe it or not, now I believe him because of this detail. He said the project foreman was a dolphin named Gerald. When. When asked how he breathed underwater for three days, he said, Gerald handled that. I didn't ask questions. You don't question Gerald. These are all quotes. He had drawn an elaborate blueprint in the sand that deputies described as detailed enough to become concerning. You know, this is so well written, I'm starting to doubt this is true.

[B]

Yeah, the.

[C]

Detailed enough to be concerning, including what happened to be what appeared to be condos, a town square, and a recreation set. I wonder if there was a fountain. I bet there was.

[B]

Oh, right. And it blew. It blew air instead of water.

[C]

He. Oh, that's good. He told officers he was released because the dolphins were satisfied with his work. No, they weren't. Gerald fired your ass. I guarantee it. But Gerald said they'd be back for phase two. Responding Deputy Sean Oakley told reporters, I've been with the sheriff's office 11 years. The blueprints were the part that got me. He had zoning. All right, I'm calling This as fake. I didn't look at it. I just copy and pasted it.

[B]

Well, look, it might be fake, but

[C]

no way talk Gerald was too good.

[B]

Talk to any schizophrenic on Venice Boulevard and you're going to get just as colorful of a story. People just aren't writing it down.

[C]

I also don't believe a Florida man can do plans that. That well. I mean, what. What is planned well in Florida? Nothing.

[B]

It says here Gerald was unavailable for comment.

[C]

Oh, I didn't even see that line.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Well, that's the last time we're taking a Florida man story from a. From DID And I think two people sent it.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Time to make America Philly again.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Is there a crinkle?

[B]

Oh, Jesus. Not used to being the crinkle guy.

[C]

All right, so Ray Ray said this in. Now it's an old story and we've done it before, but it's worth repeating. So this thing called a hitchbot, which was a robot. It was a science project. A robot. It's a hitchhiking robot. So hitchbot was hitchhiking robot that relied on the kindness of strangers to. To travel the world. It successfully hitchhiked across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands. But while attempting to hitchhike across the United States, it was found with its head and arms ripped off in Philadelphia.

[B]

Of course,

[C]

I'm sure it also had underwent a lot of non consensual sex.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, I would imagine there was. There was. There was hand jobs. It was. Yeah, that. Well, in their defense, the robot had a Giants jersey on. He had a New York Giants jersey on. But if he made it through.

[C]

Why does Hitchcock.

[B]

Yeah, there's no way there wasn't a swastika on that robot's back. If he made it through Germany.

[C]

Well, it was hard to fit it with all the penises that. Phil. They had to save room for all the penises. Phil. He was going to do draw over its face and body.

[B]

Yeah, probably. They probably got it high in the Netherlands. And Canadians. I bet the Canadians are so nice. Probably one guy probably picked him up in Quebec and drove him all the way to Vancouver just to be a good guy.

[C]

We got to get these swastikas off of you. Hitchbot. Let me, let me. Come on, let me rub these off.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What is sports? What is that?

[B]

Well, we're teasing it. Next week. We're gonna begin a stretch.

[C]

Are you gonna do a crinkle? Do you not know how to do crinkles for the sections?

[B]

Sports. Next week we're Gonna begin. So it's a segment thought of and put together by Matt Peters, our producer, our fearless producer. And it's gonna be our very own sweet 16, which is. We're gonna take the 16 biggest stories of 2025. We're gonna put it into a bracket system. There's gonna be a. What do they call it? The Sweet eight. And the final four, as chosen by you guys. We're gonna read the story. We're gonna read just the headlines of the top 16 stories. You guys are gonna vote for which ones make it into the. Into those different brackets. And then. Really, March Madness isn't in March. Has it even started yet?

[C]

What's that?

[B]

Has March Madness started yet?

[C]

It starts, I think. I think it starts Wednesday the 17th.

[B]

Okay, so it's not March Madness. It's really.

[C]

And the play ins. The play in games are Tuesday, I believe.

[B]

Oh, my God. I just farted so fucking bad.

[C]

Whoa. No one. No one needed to know that.

[B]

So next week we start that. We're just teasing that. All right, let's get down to this day in history.

[C]

All right, where's the crinkle? Oh, no. I lost this day in history.

[B]

Oh, unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[C]

Here, I'll find it. I'll find it. No, because I gotta switch to Chrome. Oh, man. No, I already. I already. I already have it. I already have it, bro. Here we go. Nope, that's not the one. Hold on. That's March 7th. That's fine. Marcus Aurelius becomes the emperor of Rome on this day, in what year? Give or take 400 years.

[B]

Marcus Aurelius was before or after Caesar? After Caesar. So I'm going to say 200 A.D.

[C]

he was 161 CE, which is B.C.

[B]

are you sure CE is B.C.

[C]

yeah, you want to Google it?

[B]

I think I'm still. It doesn't matter. I'm still within 400 years. I got it.

[C]

All right, you got it. Hold on. This day in history. Let me find the right one that I've already looked at. Okay, here we go. All right, so you're one for one. Uncle Sam, that old bastard with the. The Stars and Stripes outfit. Well, really, the stars on his hat pointing right at you. He's a cartoon. And he appeared in a publication called the Lantern, and it's credited to Frank Bellow, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, this is. Uncle Sam wants you, and he's pointing right at you. You know what I'm talking about? He first appeared on this day in what year? Give or take 10 years.

[B]

All right. It sounds like a World War II recruitment poster. So I'm going to say 1939.

[C]

Isn't this shocking? That's why I did it. 1852.

[B]

No, I know.

[C]

And that I said 10 years, which was deceiving. But if I had said 50 years, you would have been like, whoa, something's up. Because I totally assumed it was before

[B]

World War I. I don't even know what war that was. What was that like the Spanish. Was that The Spanish American U.S. army

[C]

recruitment posters and flyers.

[B]

American War.

[C]

That's a good point. Yeah. But that. That should be this day in history. We don't even know what we're talking about. Okay, let's see here. What else? Where are we going? Okay, I love this because I still have not seen this documentary. God damn it. But John Cazale is. That is how you say his name. Unbelievable. He's the only actor in the history of cinema whose every movie in his career was nominated for Best Picture.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

This is Sonny. He died.

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

This is Sonny from the Godfather. Oh, right.

[B]

Wait, no. I thought James Caan was Sunny.

[C]

No, no. Right. I always mess that up. What's his name? He was Fredo. Sorry.

[B]

Fredo. Okay. Yeah.

[C]

And Deer Hunter. I should have all four of his movies. Anyway, there's a documentary on him. Meryl Streep was his girlfriend and cared for him when he was dying. So you haven't seen this documentary either?

[B]

No.

[C]

Oh, it's supposed to be great because it's unbelievable. The Conversation. The Godfather, Godfather Part two, Dog Day Afternoon. Remember what country you want to go to? Wyoming and the Deer Hunter Dam.

[B]

Okay, so what's the question?

[C]

All five films. Best Picture. I'm really only doing this because I want to remind myself, but sadly, he got cancer and he died at 42 years old in Manhattan. What year do you think, based on all the information I gave you, did John die, give or take five years?

[B]

I'm guessing the Deer Hunter was the last film that he did which would have been based on Vietnam. So it couldn't have come out until probably the late 70s. If he died after that, I'm going to say 1984, you know?

[C]

Very good. You did. The Deer Hunter was his last film. It was 78. And I gave you five years. And he died in. When did you say 84? Yeah, sorry, you missed it. He died in 1978.

[B]

Damn you. Why couldn't you have made it longer?

[C]

So I wonder if they're. Well, I've seen the documentary. I wonder if there's evidence that he was sick during the Deer Hunter or even before.

[B]

He looked sick his whole life.

[C]

Okay, here we go. The Tennessee. He was gaunt. The Tennessee legislature passed a bill that banned the teaching of Charles Darwin's theory of evolution in the state's public schools in a highly publicized trial. High school teacher John T. Scopes was later convicted of breaking the law. So when did the bill pass banning the teaching of evolution in the state of Tennessee? Give or take? 15 years?

[B]

1930.

[C]

Look at you. I would have put it earlier. 1925.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

Okay, here we go. L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the Church of Scientology, was born in Tilden, Nebraska, on this day. In what year, give or take? I'm going to give you 15 years again.

[B]

All right. I feel like El Ron Hubbard died in the 80s. He probably was. I'm going to put it right around the year 1905.

[C]

You did it. Let's go out on that note. 1911.

[B]

Nice. Very well done, by the way. Great fucking book.

[C]

What? What?

[B]

What?

[C]

So get this, man. Speaking of Hackley, earlier, we had. I forget what. I don't know why we were all gathered, but it was like we were in the gym, and the head of the athletic program then gave us a talk, and he took some kids who were older and in basketball, because I was in, like, eighth grade or something, and he goes, try to touch the rim or whatever. And the kid, like, just missed it. And he probably knew that or something. And then he started talking about this motivational book and that you can touch that rim. And he goes, I want you to read this book and come back next week. And I guarantee. Anyway, he went on and on and on. It was Dianetics.

[B]

No.

[C]

Yeah, because someone reminded me about that, and I think that guy was then let go a few years later. And that's when I remembered the story and they brought up. So, yeah, he was totally taken with that book, and he thought it was mind over matter. And you. Huh?

[B]

You know what's weird about that is Hackley had a much more famous cult leader, Reverend Sun Young Moon. His kids went to Hackley. My daughter. My daughter. My sister went to school with one of them.

[C]

Also, Bar William Barr was the headmaster.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And that's why there was those old Russian guys there, because Barr was formerly with the Blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, Hackley, boy, Hackley has stories.

[B]

All right. Do we have an obituary or. We're going straight to the funnies.

[C]

I think we're going. But wait, someone did pass away. Who was it who died?

[B]

Celebrity deaths.

[C]

It wasn't like I shouldn't say that it was a major. But there was one.

[B]

There was.

[C]

We don't have to do that if

[B]

we're not remembering El Sedaka. We talked about Jesse Jackson. We talked about Duvall.

[C]

We talked about all of them.

[B]

All right, let's go to the Stephen Hibbert. No, no one died.

[C]

Oh, thank God.

[B]

Lou Holtz, the football coach.

[C]

Yeah, that was last week also.

[B]

Okay. All right, let's get down to it. It's time to cheer up from that with the funnies. Every week, week in and week out, we have the comedy caption contest, all spelled with K's. It is a chance for you to show us your comedy prowess. We give you one frame of a comic strip. You then write your punchline, you send it in to fitzdogradiomail.com youm put your name directly under your joke. We put together some of the finalists. We read. We read them, we pick a winner. That person receives a Sunday papers koozie to their house within days. All right. Days.

[C]

You get it? Within days. It was Country Joe and the fish. That dude, he passed.

[B]

He died. Yeah.

[C]

I didn't know Country Joe.

[B]

Okay, last week's comic was. It's a TV set, an old timey one with an antenna. And on the screen is a figure skater with her back to you and one of her legs way up high in the air. So she's. She's, as we would say in nature, she's presenting bald man shot from behind him. Point of view behind him, he's bald, and he's opening a beer. Greg Miller said, I wonder how her poll tab works.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Flesh tree says six more weeks of winter.

[C]

That's kind of funny.

[B]

I like it. And I don't even know why. Allison W. Said, I like my chances. Little reference to my Rogaine ad. Sean from Ontario said, come on, Tanya, club this bitch in the leg.

[C]

All right. Okay. Yeah, historical. Of course.

[B]

David Bentley said, why men invented the pause button. Well, not if they have that jerk app. This is from Dan. Glee balls. Looks more like an axe wound than a triple axel. Whoa.

[C]

Okay, look what he did there.

[B]

I think the triple throws the joke off. I think it's better if you say, looks more like an ax wound than an axle.

[C]

I don't think that would work.

[B]

Stephen Mangram says, Pornhub in 1964.

[C]

Tired of masturbating alone.

[B]

Rich Butchko. $400 a month, but this Epstein channel is worth it.

[C]

It's an Epstein channel now. Wow.

[B]

Kurt says, Tonya Harding. More like Tonya hard on well, he's

[C]

referring to himself, Kurt. Interesting.

[B]

Okay, now we got Al, who says, brought to you by Epstein Light Beer, the official sponsor of the Youth Olympic Games, people.

[C]

Really? The Epstein thing got triggered, huh? Okay.

[B]

Yep, it did. It sounded like you liked six more weeks of winter.

[C]

I think I do.

[B]

Yeah. I liked it too. Fleshtree, congratulations. Major contributor to the show, Flesh Trees. Always reaching out. We appreciate that, and you will, for your efforts, be keeping all your beverages cool this summer. Next week's caption is two knights, they are in armor, and they are sword fighting. And one of the guys, his sword is bent over. It is. It is. It has lapsed. It has gone flaccid. And the knight is looking very startled at his flaccid sword, which is. Now he's holding it up, but it's pointing down to the ground.

[C]

Yeah. A little performance anxiety.

[B]

Hagger the horrible. They're sitting in a bar. It's two dudes, hagger and another dude. And he goes, that woman you were talking to sure left in a hurry. And the guy says, she said she needed to deal with her weight loss. Goal. And Haggard goes, how much is she trying to lose? Guy goes, all 168 pounds of me. Yeah, yeah. They often are. They're often trying to get weight off of themselves. In medieval times.

[C]

Yeah, It's a lot. It's weighing down on them.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Hard to do anything. They feel like it's hard to get out of bed.

[B]

Right. They feel bloated.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They don't feel unattractive, though. They feel attractive.

[C]

That's what they feel.

[B]

Now we got the lockhorns. Leroy and his buddy are looking at his wedding photo. Leroy goes, that's the day I enlisted in World War. Wife. Leroy's sitting in a bar talking to the bartender, and he goes. He. Look at it. Looks at his phone. Oh, all caps. Loretta is using shout to text again.

[C]

That's good. All right, a quick onion. And Dickie had sent this, and I think he's right. This is one of the harshest onions. I mean, it's edgy. So the. You know the basketball player, Bam Abidayu? I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, he just scored 83 points.

[C]

He just scored 83 points. And the onion came out with this headline right here. There's a picture of him. Laker fans furious as Bam Abadayu dies. An even worse helicopter crash.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Referring to the Kobe point.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's. That's nuts.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Now we got Blondie Dagwood sitting on the white chair again on A lounge chair with hands in pockets. Could you get more useless? He go. And blondie's got her back to him, God bless her.

[C]

She's trying shoes on the white ottoman, right? Yeah.

[B]

Jesus. Now she is reading a magazine. And he go. And there's TV is on. He goes, boy, it was so worth it to stay up and watch this scary movie. He goes, although after watching it, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep for a while. And then. And the third frame, which should be him with a fucking ghoulish mask on, bending her over that orange ottoman. I can't sleep. Why not? Take out our anxious energy and. No. But of course, the third frame is him asleep on the chair. And. And she goes, I think being awake for too long is scarier than any movie to him, which is interesting. She's breaking the fourth wall.

[C]

I know. That is weird. Or is that her thought? No, she is saying no.

[B]

She's saying it.

[C]

She should poison him, right? I mean, get. Get this over with. Be inspired by that horror movie.

[B]

Yep. All right, listen, we want you guys to support the podcast by supporting our sponsors. Forget. Give this a shot. Go to quoquo.com papers, find out how you can get 20% off your first six months, and you can try it for free. So check it out. Also, St. Patrick's Day show this Tuesday, March 17th. Mike, anything you want to promote?

[C]

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. It's a day where 150,000 New Yorkers try to prove they can walk a straight line and fail. That's what's happening. The parade.

[B]

So, yes, celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Listen to some pogues, read some yates, have some corned beef and cabbage. Get in a fight, for God's sake.

[C]

Yeah, our culture. Drink and get belligerent.

[B]

All right, we'll talk to you guys soon.

[C]

Take a dish.

[B]

Take a dish. It's Sunday

[C]

paper time. It's Sunday paper time. Go get him, Greg and Mike.