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- [00:02]
A
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B
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A
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B
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- [00:57]
A
Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. Wake up, everybody. It's Sunday papers time. Yeah, we're all so very lucky.
- [01:11]
B
Read all about it. Get your Sunday papers. It just thumped on your welcome mat. You've made your coffee. Bring it in. Let's get into it.
- [01:21]
A
Nice start. Strong, strong start.
- [01:24]
B
It's good, right?
- [01:25]
A
I got dinged on my mic technique. You know what is that in the comments? My mic technique. Did you put that or did I just see that?
- [01:31]
B
Somebody said your mic was not close enough to your mouth.
- [01:34]
A
Yeah, I was looking. I had. Well, now it's. It's gonna be incredible mic technique today. Because if my levels are good because I'm holding my mic, I have a stand when I'm in the old closet. And I was looking at the Oscar ballads, so my voice fades a tiny bit as I'm mumbling train dreams or whatever. Who. It's unbelievable, the complaints. Sometimes we get on an intentionally lo fi podcast. No offense to Gotham, but normally I'm in a closet. We wrinkle paper. We don't use a sound effect for the pages. Come on, people. Lighten up.
- [02:15]
B
Lighten up, people. And I, by the way, I just thought of if you ever split off and you do, like, a. A solo career with the podcast mic technique.
- [02:28]
A
Oh, I like that. Or yeah. And then everyone. It's very. It's not exactly critic proof because everyone who stops listening to me will call it a mic drop.
- [02:42]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you make it very emotional and talk about yourself, it could be open mic.
- [02:49]
A
Pass the mic. All righty. What do we got?
- [02:53]
B
We got a lot. First of all, St. Patrick's Day. I got to thank everybody that came out.
- [02:57]
A
I heard it was great.
- [02:58]
B
20th annual St. Patrick's Day show at the Improv. We had a killer lineup. Sarah Silverman was great. Caroline Ray kind of stole the show. Everybody was talking about Caroline and me after the show, she fucking destroyed. Brad Williams came out and he's a dwarf, and said, this is my least favorite day of the year.
- [03:22]
A
Oh, okay.
- [03:23]
B
I begged him to wear. He. I know he has a leprechaun costume because he used to come on the man show wearing it, and he wouldn't do it. And then there's a guy in the front row who had a Lucky Charms hat on. He didn't have a. Brad goes. Brad goes. My culture's not your fashion.
- [03:42]
A
Oh,
- [03:45]
B
I like that great green room hang. Everybody hung out all night. Swartz and came in. Hung out all night.
- [03:53]
A
Did he do a set?
- [03:55]
B
He did not. I wanted him to come on because, you know, at the end of the show, me and Dennis Gubbins do a sketch where he pretends he's a drunken waiter with a brogue. And then we. And then it got so intense, us arguing that a guy stood up and was about to tackle Dennis.
- [04:13]
A
Let it happen.
- [04:15]
B
That would have been great. And then Dennis runs on stage and we break and they hit the Irish music and we break into a jig. So I wanted.
- [04:22]
A
And then everybody in the audience wants to hit Dennis.
- [04:28]
B
And then. So I wanted Nick to run on stage and do the jig with us, but he wouldn't do it. He's six months sober. If he was still drinking, he would have been up there with us.
- [04:36]
A
He's like a year sober.
- [04:39]
B
I don't know.
- [04:40]
A
I don't know. Just a Fitz fact, that's all. Well, good for him. I haven't seen him in so long. Man, I wish I had been there. But I heard it went great.
- [04:51]
B
It went great. And I'm trying to think who else I left out. Oh, Amber, who's my producer, the Fitz Dog Radio podcast was there. She hosted. She did a great job. Doug Benson was very funny. Yeah, it was great. How is yours? You March.
- [05:08]
A
I have to be honest, we didn't. And I know it's this year in
- [05:11]
B
New York, but you were in New York, by the way.
- [05:13]
A
We went to New York some. My sister came down here. I'm in Florida right now. Came down to Florida. Got my dad brought him up. His traveling. He shouldn't be. He traveling. He's of the age where now traveling alone is something we worry about. So anyway, she brought him up and then it was really cold with the wind. I mean, it wasn't zero. New York has had a colder winter, but a little too cold for the big guy to march. So we went out to breakfast, and we're staying right near the parade. So we went down, saw the bagpipes warming up. Interestingly, the hotel's on 40th street, right? I mean, a quarter, like an eighth of a block off 5th. A few doors in and fire engines and sirens, and you hear police and you can tell the difference. Like the. Like, all of the sirens that New York has to offer going off, and I'm still in bed, and I'm like, oh, man. I go, is this, like, kind of like what the firemen do when they pull up to the start? And is this. Is this just noise? Pre parade noise? No. A giant skyscraper was on Fire on 43rd Street.
- [06:29]
B
Yes, 44th Street.
- [06:31]
A
43rd. Like, right near the start. And I'm thinking, like, that time my house burned down in Carmel, the family's house in Carmel, New York. There was a playoff game, an NFL playoff game. It was a Sunday, was a winner, and all of the firemen were drunk. All of the volunteer firemen were drunk and show and were late showing up where they couldn't get in their car and show up. We heard all these reports. So I'm like, what a day to have a fire. St. Patrick's Day at the start of the parade.
- [07:07]
B
Oh, my God.
- [07:08]
A
Yeah. But no, there's. If you Google it, like, and it was all over my feed within, like, a half hour. A top of the skyscraper. It was bad. Like, the smoke was. It did not look. I don't even know how they put out fires like that.
- [07:22]
B
Yeah, amazing.
- [07:23]
A
Top floor. It was the roof, basically, of a really tall building.
- [07:28]
B
I always miss St. Patrick's Day in New York. I used to march with my grandfather, Florence McCarthy, with the ancient order of Hibernians from the Bronx, and they took that shit seriously, man. My grandfather was in the IRA and those dudes used to put suits on, and they would march with their heads straight up and. Oh, yeah, it was. It was the real deal.
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A
We had. We had a great dinner at. I want to give a shout out to Keen. Not that it needs. At Keen Steakhouse.
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B
Keen's Chop House.
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A
Chop House. Sorry, you've been a bunch. It's so. And by the way, I was trying to get a table for 14, right? The other restaurants crap their pants when I called them that. All of a sudden it's like, all right, well, it's $180 minimum per person. Then alcohol and all this, like, Service fees, a managerial fee. Like, meanwhile, I call Keens. Keens is like 14. Yeah. What night? Like.
- [08:22]
B
Yeah, well, the house is huge. The rooms just go. Did you get your own room?
- [08:28]
A
No. And that was the really cool part about it actually. Like, own room is fine. But we were down in this really cool room next to this fireplace. I will say, new thing that you have not seen at Keen's upstairs is the. Is the. Another big dining room and it's called the Lincoln room. And they have all this Lincoln memorabilia. For example, they have the. What they call the playbill that was under his seat when he was shot that night.
- [08:53]
B
No way.
- [08:54]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have a replica gun. I don't know what that gets you, but here's the new thing. And I went up there and of course it was so funny to see Sophie tell people how gay her dad is for Lincoln. That was fun. But we go up there and they now bought at auction the American flag that was draped over Lincoln's casket. Wow. Yeah. 37 stars.
- [09:21]
B
My sister's next door neighbor, Brian is a music lawyer. He's huge. And he collects Lincoln memorabilia. I'm going to bring you up to his house one day. He had so much Lincoln stuff that the town opened a museum and he moved all of his stuff in and it's a good sized museum.
- [09:39]
A
It turns out he's just fully on the spectrum and all he has is pennies, but you all are like, wow, David. Amazing collection of Lincoln memorabilia. Look at all these Lincoln's.
- [09:52]
B
He's got Lincoln town cars out front, so.
- [09:57]
A
Well, you got to bring him to Keens now that the flag is.
- [10:00]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [10:00]
A
He was probably online day one.
- [10:03]
B
Yeah, I'm sure. So we got Oscar picks. We made our bets last week for the Oscars and let's see how they turned out. Let's roll the clip.
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A
Yeah.
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B
All right, so we're saying $40 on the Oscars.
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A
Let it ride, baby.
- [10:18]
B
Best picture. I'll go with one battle after another.
- [10:21]
A
Same with me.
- [10:22]
B
Best director. I'm taking Paul Thomas Anderson.
- [10:25]
A
Same with me.
- [10:26]
B
Best actor.
- [10:27]
A
This is boring.
- [10:28]
B
I'm going to go DEI with Michael B. Jordan, who played two roles in the movie.
- [10:32]
A
Same with me.
- [10:33]
B
Now this is going great. Best actress, Jesse Buckley for Hamnet is a lock.
- [10:38]
A
Same with me.
- [10:39]
B
Supporting actor, Sean Penn. One battle after another.
- [10:42]
A
Same with me.
- [10:43]
B
Wound me Mosaku for sinners.
- [10:46]
A
I'm going with Amy Madigan original screenplay.
- [10:51]
B
I'm gonna go sentimental value.
- [10:52]
A
I'm going with sinners.
- [10:54]
B
Adapted screenplay. I'm going with hamnet.
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A
I'm going one battle after another.
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B
Casting one battle after another.
- [11:01]
A
I'm going Marty supreme editing, F1.
- [11:04]
B
I'm going to go, Marty supreme documentary feature. My Nobody against Putin. I'll go with that.
- [11:09]
A
I'm going to write in the Diddy documentary. That's.
- [11:12]
B
There you go.
- [11:13]
A
To win. I think it's going to win somehow. I'm going with the perfect neighbor cinematography. I will go, oh, geez, I don't know what it is.
- [11:21]
B
I think one battle after another. Is it the one that had that. That shot of them driving over the road and it was like a drone shot that everybody was talking about?
- [11:30]
A
No, that was Frankenstein on the highway. Yes. One battle after another.
- [11:34]
B
So I'm taking one battle after another for that.
- [11:36]
A
So am I. Okay. We can. We can end it there. There's.
- [11:39]
B
There we go. Well, Mike, congratulations. You just won the $40 that you owed me. You just won. You know, we're back to even.
- [11:48]
A
I don't think we're at even, which we're going to get to in the comments because we had a bet about Middle east war.
- [11:54]
B
Okay, we'll get to that in the comments. But, yeah, the Oscars were pretty predictable since the first five. We both picked the same thing and got it. But, yeah, I thought the award show was pretty boring. I do not. I'll say for the record, Conan o' Brien still makes me uncomfortable. I respect him. I think he's funny. It's just all about him, and he's nervous, and I just. It's not. I don't love it.
- [12:25]
A
I thought the bits were really, really good, but there were a little, like, too many. And having done a lot of these, including the Oscars, you really just, you can decide on the fly. Like, let's take our winnings and go home. Like, let's. Like, you know, let's. We. We. We did it. If we won. Up top. We've shortened bits that Nikki does in the Globes as it goes. As it goes on, like, on the fly decisions, which we know will be. We're like, we'll see how it goes. And, and, and also, if the show's feeling a little long, which they always do, so just count on cutting.
- [13:02]
B
We did an award show once. It was the iHeartRadio awards, and Jamie Foxx was the host, and we worked with him. When you work with Jamie Fox, he shows up around 8.30pm and then you go out around town and you. And he has a posse of about 11 guys in the writers room. And we worked for three months putting together sketches. We booked actors for bits. And then Jamie went on stage, worked on the monologue. I mean, we had 11 guys. Johnny Max worked on it, who you know from working on these shows, like a lot of heavy hitters. And we wrote incredible monologue. Jamie goes on stage. Jamie's a little manic and proceeds to do crowd work for 20 minutes. Which it should have been an 11 minute monologue. 20 minutes. So now we kill every other bit that we wrote. We. None of the material got used, but you know what? He did great. So you go like, all right, whatever. I guess it's a win.
- [14:05]
A
Speaking of an in the moment guy. Yeah, I see wrote Kevin Hart down here that was announced. He's going to do the roast. And. Yeah, I don't, I mean, it's just announced. I don't know if I'm going to be a part of it. We'll see. But I, Part of me just thinks he's. He's been roasted so much, you know,
- [14:24]
B
that's why I wrote it down. I was very curious about what you thought about him as a roasty, because, okay, he's short and he does too much work, takes on too many projects. Okay, that's it.
- [14:39]
A
Also, as the host of the last roast, he was roasted all night.
- [14:45]
B
Right, right, right.
- [14:48]
A
So I think it's.
- [14:49]
B
Well, I mean, you can answer this more than me, but it's pretty hard to find a high profile person that's willing to put themselves in the crosshairs on a roast. Right.
- [14:58]
A
I won't speak as an insider. I'll just speak as someone who knows, who just saw the chronology of this. That's why it's such a late announcement. I mean, in my. That's my guess is like.
- [15:09]
B
Right.
- [15:10]
A
It is really, really, really hard to get someone.
- [15:13]
B
Yeah, I'll do it.
- [15:15]
A
Alrighty.
- [15:16]
B
The whole, the whole gist of the roast will be, who the fuck is this guy?
- [15:20]
A
Maroon. What?
- [15:22]
B
Right. Bald maroon. I won't even say.
- [15:28]
A
All right, let's not go into it now.
- [15:30]
B
Tedesci trucks. Tell me about that concert you went to in New York.
- [15:33]
A
Oh, my God, it was so, so great. But there was one funny New York moment. So I saw them twice at the Beacon. For the first night I saw them, he had Jerry's guitar and all that. And I don't want to sound like an unhinged deadhead, so I'll just tell you a funny New York story. So the Beacon man doesn't. It is old and they have very few urinals. So this concert had an intermission, and it was the law. And I know this is what women have been dealing with ever. Every woman made the joke. Like, finally the roles are reversed. Like, they could not believe how long the line of guys was. So anyway, we get towards the front. Me and my buddy Joe get towards the front of the line, and it now makes a right into the bathroom. This drunk guy walks up from the opposite side of the doorway and starts to go right in. And the guy in front of us is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, pal. And now you see how drunk the guy is. He, like, he kind of steps back and he looks at him like there's going to be a fight. And he take. He clocks him for a second, just visually. And then he starts to try to walk in again. The guy goes, pal, I told you, like, the line. Look. Look in front of you. Look at this whole line. And the guy, all. He said. I didn't even know if he could talk, he was so drunk. He just goes, you know what you do you. Okay, you just do you and mind your own business and then walk to the back line. But Joe and I died laughing because I think you do you. Is almost impenetrable. Like, it's almost. It's like, you know, it's like when you say to someone, why are you so defensive? Like, there's no way to wiggle out of that, right? Get defensive.
- [17:16]
B
Don't be codependent.
- [17:18]
A
You do you. Yeah, like, mind your own business. Karen was so great. And then he stumbled to the back of the line, which I don't know if he made it because it was about a quarter mile, but they were incredible. They played the Stones loving cup. They just were. They were unbelievable.
- [17:36]
B
And he played with Jerry Garcia's guitar.
- [17:38]
A
Not the second night and the. The second night I saw them, Wednesday night was absolutely the best. And, oh, two Dylan covers Stones. It was. It was just phenomenal.
- [17:50]
B
Which, by the way, we have to make a correction, which I. I thought it was in here, but I don't see it. He did not buy Jerry Garcia's guitar. It was bought by somebody else and loaned it to Derek Trucks to play.
- [18:05]
A
He was at the auction, though. So it was two guys at the auction. The collector being, I think, counseled and advised by Derek Trucks or whatever.
- [18:13]
B
Our logo, which is for the March Madness, was from Lawrence Tarpy. Thank you very much. Mike's got both balls.
- [18:22]
A
Yeah, I do. But you know what I don't have. I do not have the unders working for me the first seven games yesterday. Today is Saturday, Friday. The first seven games were overs. It's destroying me. That's all I'm gonna say.
- [18:35]
B
Okay, the songs, we've gotten a few in. We appreciate that. They're good. We need more. Keep sending the songs in. Fitzdogradiomail.com what can I say about Blake Levan? This song is so amazing. They always are. And they're so good that somebody called out and said, this has to be AI. And I said that on the air. Don't send AI. And Blake became offended, rightfully so. And he took the time to send us a video of him laying down all of the tracks with instruments that he was playing and harmonizing. Unbelievable. And I apologize. Mike, I don't think I sent you the song, but you guys heard a clip of it. Please stick around and listen to the whole song at the end.
- [19:29]
A
All right?
- [19:29]
B
And by the way, don't be intimidated by Blake. He's a pro. Whatever you guys feel, put it down and send it in. It's just. It's a fun thing to do where we are sometimes blessed with an embarrassment of riches from someone like Blake. But it's. It's just fun to hear your guys take on it.
- [19:49]
A
Nice. Thank you, Blake.
- [19:51]
B
Corrections for the f. Oh, do we crinkle on corrections?
- [19:54]
A
Yeah, I don't got paper in Florida, man. It's all.
- [19:56]
B
I gotta.
- [19:58]
A
I gotta call paper makes. Gotta say, it's all humid. It's too humid to make a crinkle, man.
- [20:04]
B
For the ethical question Mike asked, I need. We got a lot of these.
- [20:08]
A
I messed it up. We don't have to. We don't have to. I get it. I.
- [20:11]
B
All right, short story is, Mike said that a professor said to his student, I need an egg donor. Is it okay to ask a former student? And then you somehow flip flop that halfway through into being a sperm donor, and I kind of called you on it, and then you said you. You gave me shit, right? People defended me.
- [20:37]
A
Yeah. I mean, not even even remembering it.
- [20:40]
B
Honestly, Greg, I don't know how you put up with him. Let's make sure he takes his Adderall before every show. Love you, Carol.
- [20:47]
A
I thought he wanted the egg still in the student.
- [20:49]
B
You know, that's the way you do an implantation. Fuck a petri dish. Well, you literally are fucking a petri dish. Fuck the girl with the egg. That's.
- [21:00]
A
That's.
- [21:00]
B
That's my new novel. Sunday Papers is my favorite podcast, followed closely by the Greg Fitzsimmons Show. It's not called the Greg Fitzsimmons Show. However, this week, during the Oscar predictions, I dare you to try to listen. Mike is apparently in another room doing the dishes.
- [21:16]
A
All right, we already covered this. All right, we already covered that.
- [21:19]
B
Toby's very upset. Ryan in Chicago for you now.
- [21:24]
A
There we go.
- [21:25]
B
Ryan in Chicago says Greg totally misrepresented why chat roulette was such a fiasco. Yes, there were a lot of dudes pleasuring themselves, but it's so much worse. Chat roulette was not supposed to be a porn site. It was meant to be a fun way to. To chat with random people. Inevitably, it became a lot of dudes exposing themselves, jacking off the online equivalent of the flasher in the trench coat.
- [21:47]
A
What do you mean? That's why it was a success. That's why we know about it. That's why we're talking about it in 2026. Yes, it was the funniest thing ever.
- [21:56]
B
Oh, it really was. It was almost as good as Meat Spin. Was that the link that you would
- [22:03]
A
send people meatspin.com was fantastic.
- [22:06]
B
Meets man was like, you would say to somebody, hey, there's this really cute cat video. Check it out. And then you click on the link and it's a close up of a guy's hand at the base of his cock spinning at a 360 degrees. Pretty quickly, there was a lot more
- [22:20]
A
to that visual than you're even saying, which made it even multiple levels of shock. I also. It became a running joke when we. I was the head writer on David Spade showbiz show on Comedy Central, and it was a running joke. So I got the writing staff T shirts that said meatspin.com and that's all it said. And. And Jesse Klein, who's an amazing writer and went on to great success in New York writing for Amy Schumer's show and so much more. Anyway, she's so cool. Anyway, she comes into work one of the last days and goes, oh, my God. My God. She's like. So I spin. And she goes, I didn't realize it, but I just was wearing you the T shirt you gave me this morning. The Whatever it was a couple of days ago. And I wore it in the spin class. The next spin class, all these women came up to me like, what the f. Are you insane? She's like, they were like, I was with my kids. I thought I was gonna get spin gear because I liked your shirt and I thought it was a spin site. And I went on in front of my kids.
- [23:35]
B
Then we got Aaron, who said the question about Uncle Sam is very misleading. We talked about the that we want. I want you thing. I said it was for World War II. It was actually for World War I recruitment. I was off by 20 years. Thanks, Aaron. Aaron, you want to read these? Mike?
- [23:56]
A
All right.
- [23:56]
B
So these are from the YouTube comments.
- [23:58]
A
This is from the. The YouTube. I like it. Fitz weaseling his way. This is from JD Valanca or JDV Lanka. I could go on. Fitz weaseling his way to a win on a technicality was unreal. Mike definitely won that bet. This is about when the US attacked Iran. Another one. Mike won Iran bet despite twice proposing before the 28th. Because after the second proposal, Greg finalized it differently saying attack by February 28th. So by not before now. Greg, just to add an extra layer onto this, if you literally google this phrase, what time of day Pacific time zone did the US attack Iran at the end of February? That's all you type into Google. It pops up. AI overview based on reports of the military action on February 28, 2026. The joint US Israeli strikes on Iran began at approximately 10:15pm Pacific Time on Friday, February 27, 2026.
- [25:12]
B
Oh, was the attack in California? Is that why we're judging?
- [25:15]
A
That's where we're making the bet. I'm just saying this is an airtight. And I like the comment before that. You said bye. February 28th.
- [25:24]
B
All right, well, it's at least a push. All right, if it's a push or whether it was the bet, you just won all the money back on the Oscars. So if the bet had gone up to 60 instead of 40. It still would. It's still even now. So it's moot.
- [25:40]
A
It's not. We let more money ride on the bed. So in other words, I think this 20 was not factored in. It comes back to me. All right, we might let it ride on something else. Let's go on.
- [25:49]
B
Okay, read the next one.
- [25:52]
A
Mike, how can you not know or whatever have a pick that's all sick. That's all what he wrote here anyway, basically. How can you not have a pick for cinematography just. And you just conceded with Greg's pick when you so highly praise the cinematography nominee Train Dreams. You know what? You are right. Sun, Cat Pop. I dropped the ball there. I would have lost because it didn't win. They gave cinematography shockingly to sinners, in my opinion. And anyway, even when they showed the clips of the nominees, it was was Night and Day, which was a. A level above like Train Dreams. You could like chat Roulette. You can just pop in anywhere and you will be shocked. Just like chat Roulette.
- [26:40]
B
You don't even need words. In Train Dreams, you could literally watch the cinematography for an hour and 40 minutes.
- [26:47]
A
Right? It is true. And people say it might be helped because some people were bothered by the voiceover in Train Dreams.
- [26:53]
B
And I make voice over. It's such a cheap cheat for a writer to use voiceover.
- [26:57]
A
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Your favorite movies of all time have all had voiceover.
- [27:03]
B
Good, fellas.
- [27:05]
A
Yeah. Raising Arizona, by the way.
- [27:08]
B
All right. It's all right.
- [27:08]
A
The top 10 movies of all, Sunset, Boulder. Top 10 movies of all time. Tarantino's movies.
- [27:14]
B
All right.
- [27:15]
A
So many.
- [27:17]
B
I take it back.
- [27:18]
A
I think you're right. When it's used that way. When it's used well, like Goodfellas, I think it's another layer to the experience.
- [27:28]
B
Yes. It's got to be a layer. It can't be the narrative. You can't. You can't push all the story with. With the voice. Like, I feel like, like Steven Spielberg uses it poorly.
- [27:42]
A
Right.
- [27:43]
B
All right, let's get to the last one. Joe Blow says Google search AI mode is death to fit facts.
- [27:49]
A
Yeah.
- [27:49]
B
While WC Fields did not have a famous movie scene in a rowboat at Toluca Lake, he filmed a legendary golf scene there for his 1932 short film the Dentist.
- [27:59]
A
The Dentist is so funny. Excuse. I watched the algorithm.
- [28:03]
B
Jeez, I could have sworn. But you know what it is? Here's the truth. W.C. fields used to row his boat as a person, not an actor. To what's the golf course?
- [28:15]
A
Sounds like you're doubling down. Lakeside. Sounds like you're doubling down again.
- [28:19]
B
Okay, somebody can check on that. I'll tell you right now. He literally used to row his boat to go play golf. Tour dates coming. Speaking of traveling, I will be in Bakersfield at the well on April 18th. Escondido at Grand Comedy Club April 24th and 25th. Coming up to Boston. Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th. The week after that, I will be in Algonquin, Maine and somewhere in New Hampshire. Go to fitzdog.com for 10 tickets and details. Also, as always, want to shout out Gotham Productions Studios. Gotham Production Studios, I think is the full name.
- [28:57]
A
One day you're gonna learn it.
- [28:59]
B
Well, they did. We. They did a nice piece later on that we're gonna show. They just did the Oscar picks. They did the sweet 16. So above and beyond, we thank them very much for taking this podcast to
- [29:14]
A
another level and Matt's our man at got. Arguably the most patient person I've ever met. I mean, he. Look what he has to deal with. You should see us at the top of this when we're trying to get our act together, which clearly we fail at every week.
- [29:27]
B
It makes the podcast look tight.
- [29:30]
A
I wouldn't say that, but, I mean, he's not a miracle worker.
- [29:34]
B
But speaking of miracles, you ever wake up sweaty, freezing, or just uncomfortable? The temperature in your bedroom can completely mess with your sleep. That's why I switched to miracle made sheets. These are inspired by NASA technology. Not NASA, not the Bahamas.
- [29:51]
A
NASA technology, NASA.
- [29:54]
B
They use silver infused fabrics to help regulate your body temperature so you stay comfortable all night long. Whether you run hot, I run hot. Or cold, wife runs cold. These sheets keep you right in the sweet spot. And here's the part.
- [30:12]
A
It's like the MCDLT of sheets. Remember the McDLT?
- [30:16]
B
Yeah.
- [30:16]
A
It's the hot side hot, the cold side cooled. It does the opposite. It's like the opposite of the mcdlt.
- [30:21]
B
It's like a thermos. How do it know they're provided not only this. This sounds gross, but traditional sheets hold like more bacteria than a toilet seat. Have you heard that? Well, so they're designed 99.7% of bacterial growth. You stay clean, you stay fresh. Less odors, less laundry, better sleep. Plus they feel like high. I'm telling you, mine, I feel like I'm staying at Ritz. What?
- [30:51]
A
They're silky.
- [30:52]
B
Man, they are silky and you just feel rich. Yeah, I feel rich.
- [30:59]
A
Like the highest thread count ever. They're really nice.
- [31:02]
B
Oh, my God. So upgrade your sleep or give the gift of better rest because go to trymiracle.com papers and get promo code papers. You'll save over 40% and get an extra 20% off. Plus a free three piece towel set. Wait, 40 and 20. So you're getting them basically for free. There is also a 30 day money back guarantee, so there's no risk. That's try miracle, not miracles. Try miracle.com papers, code papers. Do it now. You'll thank us later.
- [31:38]
A
Nice.
- [31:39]
B
Let's go to the front page.
- [31:41]
A
There's a crinkle. What are you doing?
- [31:44]
B
30 minutes. In Pennsylvania, State Senator Doug Mastriano is so upset that some businesses fly pride parrot flags in the city of Gettysburg that He posted a 700 word diatribe demanding they be taken down. Mastriano, who is present at the capitol riots on January 6th and titled his screed Gettysburg at a crossroad, will we preserve our heritage as America turns 250. He said Gettysburg, the site of a pivotal Civil War battle and the end of Abraham Lincoln's famed Gettysburg Address, is sacred ground whose heritage has been dishonored by pride symbols. He said the town has become increasingly defined by radical activism. Wait a minute. I thought the idea was that all men are created equal. Although the guys who are bears seem to get treated a lot better on Gettysburg Grindr app. I will. I will say that.
- [32:45]
A
Yeah, 700 words, you know, the Gettysburg Address, which literally, you know, is. Will be. More ironically, will be immortal. Unlike Abraham Lincoln predicted, which the words would soon be forgotten or never remembered. His was 272 words.
- [33:10]
B
Hilarious. Yeah, yeah. The substack version of the Gettysburg Address.
- [33:16]
A
And remembering Gettysburg as Lincoln wanted us to, very specifically, in his words, was the opposite of storming the United States Capitol. Yeah, that's not what those boys died there for.
- [33:31]
B
And I heard he's. He wants to change it now. So when they do the Civil War reenactment at Gettysburg, the guys that traditionally played the flutes are now going to have to play double neck guitars with skulls on them.
- [33:44]
A
Yeah, it's all going to be free bird.
- [33:46]
B
Yeah.
- [33:47]
A
Although, you know, Lincoln did say, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, and we cannot hollow this ground. So, I mean, bring all the gay stuff you got. The government can. It's not hollowed ground according to Lincoln.
- [34:03]
B
Yeah, Right.
- [34:04]
A
Because of the Gettysburg Address.
- [34:07]
B
A dancing robot went wild at a California hot pot restaurant, smashing dishes and sending chopsticks flying in instead of doing the robot.
- [34:17]
A
Maybe the funnest headline of the day.
- [34:19]
B
The robot was captured on video at the Hidelio location, approaching a table before pounding on it, then knocking over utensils and food in front of customers. Servers can be seen struggling to restrain the robot while it wildly dances. Eventually, three servers are needed to hold onto the robot by a strap on its neck, pulling it away from tables. And as it continues to shuffle its feet and gesticulate. Are they sure it wasn't just Andy Dick in a Star wars costume?
- [34:50]
A
This sounds like dinner and a show. I. Where. Where is this place? And isn't that what you're supposed to do in a hot pot restaurant?
- [34:58]
B
Exactly.
- [35:00]
A
Which I've never heard of before.
- [35:02]
B
I haven't, but I mean, Jesus. Two horrible examples of AI gone haywire in two weeks. First the Navy bombs a school in tehran, and now R2D2 spills the guys soup dumplings.
- [35:15]
A
It's getting worse.
- [35:18]
B
Seems to get increasingly bad United Airlines.
- [35:22]
A
This is news today. I mean we all knew it was going to happen, the price of travel. But it's now official. United airlines to cut 5% of scheduled flights as fuel prices soared. Door In a message to employees, the CEO Scott Kirby said the airline industry is preparing for a period of elevated oil prices which could drive higher operating costs and force adjustments to capacity and pricing. He said the airline is going to cut about 5% of planned capacity in the near term, including trimming off peak flights and suspending selected international routes to manage higher fuel costs. First of all, how can United get worse? I am in Florida. I tried to book yesterday a United flight back. Yes, of course they're more expensive now, but I see the option. You must deal with this every week, Greg. I see the option for the price and I'm like that's less than American and blah blah, blah. I'll take that. And then you do you have to like check off all the things to get your before you pay. And it's like, do you want a seat? I'm like, yeah. Yes. I was thinking of sitting during the flight. Well, you have to pay for that. All right. Unless you take the bare minimum price where they're going to assign you one. And I saw where the seats that were like in that pool, they're way. I mean it's like last row, it's
- [36:49]
B
back against the bathroom. Yeah.
- [36:50]
A
Then it's like, yeah, you can bring a tiny bag, you know the one that fits under. Under. But no carry on. I'm like, not even. I'm not talking about a checked bag. They're also digging you for the carry on. It's. And then it gets so expensive. So f. United.
- [37:06]
B
No. And now did you hear now they're going to charge for bathroom visits. It's $10 for a piss, $25 to drop a deuce first class. They could go nuts. They go in, they can masturbate, they can do whatever they want.
- [37:21]
A
How much is it for you and coach to reduce your stress in the bathroom and self soothe?
- [37:27]
B
$1000 and I pay it. That's the best thousand dollars I ever spent.
- [37:32]
A
You're looking for that option on the site? Yeah.
- [37:34]
B
I mean with these prices in response, I will be cutting 5% of my tour dates starting with the Green Bay chuckle hut. That's the first 5% that goes.
- [37:44]
A
Charge a little more for your pins that you sell.
- [37:47]
B
Let me tell you something. My pins, they're killing me now because I used to spend $2 a PIN and now with the tariffs in China, it's gone up to 450.
- [37:56]
A
What?
- [37:57]
B
And then I give a dollar of it to best buddies, the charity. I'm losing money.
- [38:03]
A
Fitz Dog tariffs. Oh, my God. Has it ever been questioned in tsa? The pins, the big bag of metal?
- [38:13]
B
Every single time I go through tsa, they open my. My bag, and then they look at it, and it's always some guy who goes, pins. Why do you have. Why do you have a hundred pins in your bag?
- [38:25]
A
Because I'm going to take over coach. I'm going to threaten everybody and stab them with a Fitz Dog pin. Here's my advice to you. I forget what it was I was traveling with that got questioned a lot. It might have even been, like, when I travel with this microphone and stuff, for some reason, it gets dinged, and they just want to take a look at it, put it. Take it out, man. Just take out your bag of pins and put it separately.
- [38:52]
B
Oh, that's a good idea.
- [38:54]
A
Yep.
- [38:55]
B
Oh, great idea.
- [38:58]
A
So they won't even, like, yeah, there's a. There's a. Whatever. A Ziploc or whatever. Make it a clear bag.
- [39:04]
B
I talked a talent to doing this, and so. But he ended up doing magnets instead. And he goes, you want to talk about getting flagged? How about bringing 20 pounds of magnets on a plane?
- [39:19]
A
It's planes constantly making a left turn because all the meters, all the readings are off. That's great.
- [39:28]
B
All right. President Trump on Thursday invoked Japan's December 1941 attack on Pearl harbor when speaking about recent US Israeli strikes on Iran while at the White House with Japanese Prime Minister Sanay Takachi. Asked by a reporter why the US didn't tell Japan or other allies about its decision to strike Iran before it did so, the President said, quote, we went in very hard, and we didn't tell anybody because we wanted surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Okay, why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor?
- [40:02]
A
Just ignoring the fact that this is an ally asking the question.
- [40:08]
B
You believe in surprise, I think much more than us. Trump's comment drew a few laughs from JD Vance, Marco Rubio, and Pete Hegseth. Just, they love it, and the base loves it. They love Trump roasting. He just. And they didn't even print the other stuff was so bad. He also said, we could tell you were surprised by that look on all of your eyes. And I thought that went too hard. And then he goes, we wanted it to be a surprise. You know, like when you're getting a happy ending from a Japanese lady and she pops a boner. Like, that's. That's not helping us. And then he goes, we did tell you there would be a surprise. And you thought we said we were sending supplies.
- [40:55]
A
Oh, is that what it was?
- [40:56]
B
Yes. So he did tell them.
- [40:59]
A
Nice.
- [41:00]
B
I think that's on them.
- [41:03]
A
He thought it was very funny. He's like, that's really funny. It's not like I bombed when I bombed when we bombed. That was 45. You know about that.
- [41:16]
B
Last June, the man credited with introducing President Trump to his wife asked the administration for a fee favor. Palo Zampoli, a modeling agent, had learned that his Brazilian ex girlfriend was in a Miami jail. Arrested on charges of fraud at the workplace, they had been in a custody battle over the teenage son. He saw an opportunity, reached out to a top official at Immigration and Custom Enforcement, explained that his ex was in the country illegally. So basically, somebody from ICE reached out to somebody in the Trump administration, and this chick got sent to a fucking deportation jail. So.
- [42:01]
A
Wow.
- [42:01]
B
I don't know how that turns out, but no one is taking this story more seriously than the first lady right now.
- [42:09]
A
Yeah, I want a new documentary about her struggle.
- [42:13]
B
Her in Jailman Melania more like Me Gonia.
- [42:19]
A
Is that. It's. This is a little wordplay section of the podcast Megania. That's all you do is restate it. She gone.
- [42:33]
B
She gone. Yeah.
- [42:37]
A
We're getting further away from it.
- [42:39]
B
All right, let's get to the ethical question.
- [42:41]
A
You got it, pally.
- [42:43]
B
All right, now here's the ethical question. Is it okay to tip a barista more because you're with, like, a business associate?
- [42:56]
A
What's the question?
- [42:56]
B
Is it okay you're with somebody you work with? Is it ethical that you tip more in front of them than you do when it's you alone?
- [43:06]
A
Oh, I see. Because you're. You're. You're not. You don't normally. Yeah, yeah, I. I don't know if that's ethics. I don't know. I mean, I think when people are on dates, for example, hopefully they've gotten the memo, if they're not naturally like this, to at least pretend they're really polite to the staff. Yes pleases and thank yous, because that'll rule you out fast as it should. I'm gonna say it's not an ethical situation.
- [43:42]
B
All right, here's a better one. All right, and you. You. You punch in your pin code in an ATM machine. You ask for a hundred dollars. It pays you out $300. Do you report it to the bank or do you take the money report what? The extra money.
- [43:57]
A
No, that's. What that's. I'm saying that no one saw nothing. All right, that's on them.
- [44:06]
B
All right, this comes.
- [44:07]
A
They have enough fees they're digging me with in the fine print to make up for it.
- [44:14]
B
This was submitted to us by our producer who asked is it okay to be titillated or excited by pictures of your girlfriend when she was under 18?
- [44:30]
A
Yeah, this was funny. I know it doesn't sound funny, but he kind of made a reference to under 18 is, is a, is a big net. You know what I mean?
- [44:45]
B
Yeah.
- [44:46]
A
So you don't want to think about that. Let's call it 17.
- [44:52]
B
Let's call it 17. And let's say. Here's my theory on it. When I think about girls from high school,
- [45:03]
A
we don't. I, I think they should remain nameless.
- [45:07]
B
I redact their names. They were my go to girls in high school and they do occasionally show up in the Rolodex today. Now they were 16, 17 at the time. Is it okay that I'm thinking about an underage girl now? My answer is, if you knew them before and you have previously pleasured, then you are grandfathered in. You just can't take on a new under 18 year old later.
- [45:38]
A
I think maybe if you were their boyfriend when they were 17 and you were relatively age appropriate within a year or two, hopefully, then I think it's just a, you know, it's a memory. You were there.
- [45:54]
B
So you're saying mine was a false memory. So I'm not allowed to read.
- [45:57]
A
So if I were a lawyer trying to argue against you that it's not all right, Right. I would do so. It's slippery slopes. So don't comment on slippery slope. So I would say, okay, so then it's okay for a 45 year old man to create an AI version of this woman at 17 years old and have a relationship with it. That sounds creepier.
- [46:29]
B
No, you. Well, you can grok does that, by the way.
- [46:33]
A
Oh well now the secret.
- [46:35]
B
Why am I telling people that grokking.
- [46:38]
A
Grokking is going to be the new word for, for masturbation. Not.
- [46:43]
B
Hold on. Entertainment.
- [46:46]
A
Michigan. Michigan is an over. Damn it. What?
- [46:50]
B
Let's go to entertainment.
- [46:52]
A
Do it.
- [46:54]
B
Okay, so we got the Oscar. Do we already play the Oscars clip? Yes, we did. Okay, so that was that. The other entertainment question is, want to bet on it?
- [47:03]
A
We played it.
- [47:06]
B
Hatchet Book Group, one of the largest publishers in the US pulled a forthcoming horror novel on Thursday following widespread allegations that the author relied heavily on artificial intelligence to write the book, it was removed from Amazon the time it was basically, they decided not to publish Shy Girl, which was due out in the US this spring after conducting a thorough and lengthy review of the text. It was published last fall in Great Britain and has sold 1800 print copies. And then the publisher put out a statement 14 seconds after discovering the incident.
- [47:50]
A
Here's. You want to know, here's the horror movie. She, this authority sells 1800 copies. She's excited. She has a wine, she goes to bed. She hears her computer ding. It's an email. And it's like, why are you lying? Ding. Are you gonna keep Ding, ding. AI now is gonna kill her.
- [48:12]
B
Yes. Dude, you got a screenplay in your hands right there.
- [48:15]
A
It all of a sudden is in the car. Her Tesla, which she bought with her adventure with her advance on the book copy. All of a sudden the Tesla's driving into the pole that a smile comes up on the screen.
- [48:27]
B
A man approaches her at a book signing, goes back to her place, they begin to make love, and then all of a sudden his wires short out.
- [48:35]
A
Then it becomes a horror story of her trying to hide from AI. And that's the whole sort of meat of the movie is you see how hard it is to hide from AI.
- [48:49]
B
I love it. I love it. Get, sit, take some Adderall and fucking crank up the typewriter, my friend.
- [48:55]
A
I am not ambitious. I don't do those things.
- [48:58]
B
Let us make America. Florida.
- [49:02]
A
Here it is. And Matt, we, if we should probably try to show this picture. I got it. I think he put it out himself, so I think it might be in the fair use territory, but I believe I, I got this one. It's everywhere. I'm not going to tell you where I got from. Florida man goes viral for crazy likeness quote. I am not Jeffrey Epstein. I'm Palm Beach Pete.
- [49:27]
B
Oh, it's Palm Beach Pete.
- [49:29]
A
I think even now Palm Beach Pete might be a worse name than Jeffrey Epstein.
- [49:35]
B
You're right. And even now, Beach. Yeah.
- [49:38]
A
A Florida man has been forced to shoot down the latest Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy after becoming a viral sensation for being the spitting image of the notorious sex trafficker Greg. Look at him in the car. First of all, okay, a couple of things. If you're going to dress like a 50 to early 60something douchebag, you're already getting close to Epstein, you know what I mean?
- [50:03]
B
Yeah.
- [50:03]
A
The sunglasses in a convertible with his baseball cap backwards, the gray hair.
- [50:11]
B
So this says the silver shirt, the polo shirt.
- [50:13]
A
Yeah. The silver haired, square jawed stranger found himself unexpectedly going viral after someone filmed him driving his convertible down a highway in the Sunshine State, suggesting he was the. Are we off the algorithm? Just because I'm reading a news story. Who had a Florida home and who has. Many conspiracy theorists. They refused to believe he's dead. Epstein is alive. Epstein is alive. The man who shot the video yelled, sending social media into a meltdown.
- [50:41]
B
Wow.
- [50:42]
A
Yep. But it's just Palm Beach Pete.
- [50:46]
B
Palm Beach Pete.
- [50:47]
A
Well, I should sell photos. He should pose with people. He should be out on the street. Dollar a pic, dollar a selfie.
- [50:56]
B
Las Vegas. He should go to Las Vegas and put that. That hat. He's gone. Upside down. Put it. Put it upside down on the street. Remember, Zach Galifianakis was in Vegas. The actual Zach Galifianakis. And he began getting money, pretending he was a Zach Galifianakis impersonator on the street.
- [51:15]
A
A short bit down from an impersonator. Like on the same side of the sidewalk. Yeah.
- [51:23]
B
And he got less money than the other guy. They didn't. They didn't buy it.
- [51:26]
A
Kind of look like him.
- [51:27]
B
He gained weight.
- [51:28]
A
Yeah. That's like those stories of who was the most. The first one I heard it with was who. Who's one of our favorite comedians who's totally clean and he does Nate Brazzi. Have a good trip. You too. You too, Brian.
- [51:47]
B
Brian Regan.
- [51:47]
A
Brian Regan got a sitcom deal. As he should have. He should. Should. They should be lining up still, even. And he auditioned for the casting call which literally said a Brian Regan type, and he did not get the role.
- [52:03]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [52:05]
A
And that's happened to so many. I think it happened to Kite Linger, too.
- [52:09]
B
Yeah.
- [52:11]
A
Did it happen to you? At one point?
- [52:14]
B
It did. When I did, there was an episode of Crashing and I wrote on Crashing. And in the episode who. Which was written by Pete Holmes, there was a character named Greg Fitzsimmons, and it described me. And he had two scenes. And then I was asked to audition for the part while we were in production. We were literally shooting the episode, and I'm in New York on location, and they made me go in Pete's trailer with Judd Apatow and audition for the role. And I was so fucking nervous.
- [52:50]
A
I'd be nervous if I got it.
- [52:52]
B
I know it's typecasting.
- [52:55]
A
All right. Let's make America Philly again.
- [52:56]
B
Wait. I just want to say one thing. Do you remember that whole cycle of Hollywood? Who's Brian Regan? Get me Brian Regan. Get me a Brian Regan type. Who's Brian Regan.
- [53:09]
A
Oh, that. Where is that from?
- [53:11]
B
It's just the cycle of fame in Hollywood.
- [53:14]
A
Interesting.
- [53:15]
B
Yeah.
- [53:15]
A
Although I still think he's killing it. He's so.
- [53:18]
B
He's not specific to Brian Reagan.
- [53:20]
A
I know, I know, I know. It's a nice example. All right, Philly, you're going to crinkle. We're making America, Philly.
- [53:27]
B
Here we go.
- [53:29]
A
Philly man arrested in South Carolina for assaulting a school crossing guard. Of course. Rasheed Russell, 29, of West Philadelphia, who was accused of punching a school crossing guard outside of Walnut street elementary in D. Darby, was arrested Friday in South Carolina after fleeing the state. Russell is charged with aggravated assault and several related offenses. Of course, there's related offenses and there's. If you arrest any Philly man, there's going to be multiple strikes against him. Deputy Robert Clark condemned the assault, noting the size difference between the suspect and the victim. Of course. I want you to understand, he said, the message. For those who don't live in these communities, the message is, it is not normal for us to beat up on women. So just for the record, this is me talking now. That has to be explained to Philadelphia people
- [54:28]
B
outside of Philly. It is not normal.
- [54:32]
A
Yeah. And then continue. It is not okay to strike your partner in domestic violence or in a neighborhood. That is the message we should be sending today. That's what he's saying.
- [54:48]
B
Wow.
- [54:49]
A
Yeah. By the way, that's not exactly a strong statement. It's not. Okay. So he can't even go as far to say it's wrong to strike your partner in domestic violence right now. It's not. Yet. You know what?
- [55:05]
B
It's.
- [55:05]
A
It's kind of not cool. Kind of not cool. Philly, try to be cooler.
- [55:10]
B
It's not okay to call somebody gay who's on the Knicks while you're sitting courtside.
- [55:15]
A
Right. But I mean, it's like. Yeah, it's not. It's. It's not human to strike your partner. How about that? And you're not humans, Philly.
- [55:25]
B
You're.
- [55:25]
A
You're not. You're not.
- [55:26]
B
And I think Philly's going to have a don't punch your domestic partner in the face month every April. Yeah.
- [55:34]
A
And they need it. Maybe a cup, maybe half the year.
- [55:37]
B
Yeah. All right, let's get to sports.
- [55:41]
A
Here we go.
- [55:43]
B
All right, so it is March Madness, and we have been provided with the March Madness Sunday papers. Sweet 16. And so what we're doing is we're gonna read 16 of the top weird stories from the year or big stories. From the year. And we are going to start to wean them down week by week. There'll be eight next week, four the next week, and then by the end of March Madness, we will have the face off between the two survivors. So we're gonna rip through these real fast. Matchup, left side. This is the left side of the bracket, which is about power, power and progress.
- [56:21]
A
All right.
- [56:22]
B
Okay. So the first matchup is the Vatican versus the Middle East.
- [56:26]
A
Oh, I'd like to see. Is that a war? I'd like to see that first story.
- [56:31]
B
Finally, Pope Leo. Chicago, born Cardinal Robert Prevost, made history as the first ever American Pope, bringing a centrist but socially progressive Windy City energy to the Vatican. My whole thing is, all right, he's from Chicago.
- [56:46]
A
How.
- [56:47]
B
How do you believe in God when you're a White Sox fan? He's literally a White Sox fan, which is kind of a relief because a lot of the past Popes had been Cub Scouts fans.
- [56:57]
A
Maybe that is what, in the conclave, maybe is that. That's what they talked about the most, which is, can you imagine how much faith he has? Can you? It's immeasurable.
- [57:10]
B
Yeah.
- [57:10]
A
Living in for him to winters.
- [57:13]
B
Yeah. Right. And the city with the highest homicide rate, the most wind, and the worst accent. He still believes in God.
- [57:22]
A
He still thinks there's a benevolent thing watching over us.
- [57:26]
B
Now, this goes up against the Gaza peace plan, a landmark 20 point diplomatic roadmap that finally secured a lasting ceasefire and a path to a reconstruction after years of devastating conflict. Conflict. Now, instead of the Gaza peace plan, should we call it the Gaza peace plan? Since the Palestinians have needed a lot of gauze for their wounds two weeks after the fighting resumed.
- [57:50]
A
What was the Japanese word play? I like this one better. Gaza. I like it.
- [57:57]
B
Yeah.
- [57:58]
A
Now, if these two is the idea that this is a matchup. They're going against each other.
- [58:02]
B
Yeah, they're going against each other.
- [58:03]
A
Well, one's real. The guy has a peace. But comparing it to Pope Leo, that's as if, like, he wasn't a Pope two days later. Like he was for two days. Yeah, but he's not a Pope. Like, it's not. That's not. It's not. You can't even use the word Pope like. You can't use the word peace.
- [58:21]
B
Yeah. It's like he killed a rabbi the next day after becoming Pope.
- [58:28]
A
So I'm going with the Pope.
- [58:29]
B
All right, we'll go with the Pope. Matchup number two is luxury Reno versus leadership change. The White House had a 90,000 square foot ballroom. This sparked national debate by demolishing the White House East Wing to build a massively privately funded 90,000 square foot ballroom for state dinners. And I mean, what's nice is he based the design on mid century Modern and the Spearmint Rhino in Fort Lauderdale.
- [58:59]
A
That's exactly what it's going to be. So Trump feels at home with. With a lot, well, maybe a little more gold than the Spearman Rhino.
- [59:05]
B
Oh, I wish. I bought stock in gold paint the week before this happened. Yep, lead based gold paint. And now this goes against Prime Minister Mark Carney. The former central banker turned economic saver was sworn in as Canada's prime minister promising to stabilize the country's housing. Housing market. And I heard his whole plan is bring back igloos in Canada.
- [59:35]
A
Love it. You know what? It should be a two point plan. Igloos. And how about ballrooms? Just let Trump put ballrooms all over the north side of the border.
- [59:46]
B
And this goes up against the AI takeover versus the Greasy Grin. The.
- [59:53]
A
Oh no, wait, isn't the matchup either. We have to pick Mark Carney versus the ballroom.
- [59:58]
B
Okay, I'm going ballroom. I'm going ballroom.
- [60:01]
A
Yeah, I think we're going to be similar. There's one down the list that we might differ on.
- [60:05]
B
Okay, matchup number three. The AI takeover versus the Greasy Grin. Deep seek. Deep seek AI dominance. The Chinese startup stun Silicon Valley by releasing a low cost AI model that outperformed Western giants, effectively shifting the global balance of tech power. I mean, sure, sure they've got that, but we got a dancing robot at the. At the sushi place.
- [60:33]
A
The hot pot. The hot pot restaurant.
- [60:35]
B
Hot pot restaurant.
- [60:36]
A
I know this AI is a little specific to the Chinese startup, but also once I heard Greasy Grin. I'm not even listening to the AI story anymore. Get to the Greasy Grin.
- [60:47]
B
Get to the Greasy Grin. Okay. KFC Fried chicken toothpaste.
- [60:51]
A
Done.
- [60:52]
B
What started as an April Fool's joke became a viral reality when KFC released a finger licking fresh toothpaste that tasted exactly like 11 herbs and spices.
- [61:03]
A
I did not know about this, but done.
- [61:07]
B
And the best part is after you brush your teeth with it, you immediately want to fight an employee of kfc. You want to jump behind the counter?
- [61:16]
A
Do you spit in a bucket when you're brushing your teeth?
- [61:20]
B
Yeah. All right. And this goes against.
- [61:23]
A
No, it's those two. I'm going with chicken toothpaste.
- [61:26]
B
Yeah, chicken toothpaste for sure wins that one. Matchup number 48. How many matchups are. I think what we should do is let's do four, and then next week we'll do the other four.
- [61:37]
A
Sounds great.
- [61:38]
B
Okay, so the next one is Digital Ghost town versus Real World Shift the meta melt. Mark Zuckerberg finally pivoted away from the metaverse after multi billion dollar losses, ending the era of horizon worlds to focus entirely on physical AI hardware. Yeah, I don't. Do you understand that?
- [62:01]
A
Well, basically he's. Yeah. He. What? Because remember the. Also the AI. Was it the virtual reality world and all that stuff? I don't know, but it's focusing on the AI hardware. I thought they were leaving the AI hardware.
- [62:23]
B
So it's the robots and the, I guess, machinery that's controlled by AI versus the software.
- [62:34]
A
If we can't even understand it, then I think we're. We're not. I'm going with Smart Free Childhood.
- [62:39]
B
A massive grassroots movement led to a global unplugging, with several countries passing laws to ban smartphones in schools for children under 14.
- [62:49]
A
Well, this is. It sounds like they're. They're. They're banning hardware. Good luck. Good luck, Meta.
- [62:58]
B
They did this in Australia and. And I think it's even only older than 14 in Australia, and now I think California is doing it as well.
- [63:07]
A
I loved it when I read that news. But you know what's interesting, also, one of my daughters got off Instagram, and a lot of kids are choosing to do that. Like, and I. And I know more are not choosing to do that, but there is a fatigue, never mind depression that they are becoming aware of and aware of the cause. And so I like that there's a movement away from it. Even without laws.
- [63:37]
B
No, I get fatigue also with. With my phone. Like, sometimes I'll watch it for like 16 minutes, and then I'll get extremely fatigued and have to kind of take a nap and sometimes even a shower. So. Yeah.
- [63:53]
A
Yeah.
- [63:53]
B
But.
- [63:54]
A
All right, we're going to get to the other ones.
- [63:55]
B
All right, so we'll get to the other one. That would do. That's the left side of the sweet 16. We've narrowed the eight down to four, and we'll see. And we'll pick some more next week. All right, let's get to this day in history.
- [64:12]
A
Oh, you know what? I never say this. It's a good one. It's a good.
- [64:16]
B
Really?
- [64:16]
A
Yeah.
- [64:17]
B
Okay.
- [64:18]
A
Ready?
- [64:18]
B
Yeah.
- [64:19]
A
I think we talked about this last week. I don't think I mentioned the day it closed, though. Alcatraz shut down on this day in what year, by the way? During its operation, 36 men attempted to escape, and five are still listed as missing but presumed drowned. It was ultimately shut down because of high costs. And it's months after becoming part of the National Park Service, Alcatraz island had more visitors than in the previous 120 years combined. So what year, give or take 10 years, what year did Alcatraz stop being a prison?
- [65:03]
B
Well, there was the Birdman of Alcatraz. Right?
- [65:06]
A
You're just mentioning things, you know about Alcatraz. Okay.
- [65:10]
B
I believe some of the Mafia. I'm going to say 1930. 34.
- [65:15]
A
So close. 63.
- [65:18]
B
1963.
- [65:19]
A
Recent.
- [65:20]
B
No shit.
- [65:23]
A
Ready? Twitter co founder Jack Dorsey sent the first public tweet ever on this day. In what year? Give or take four years.
- [65:42]
B
2006.
- [65:44]
A
It's 2006.
- [65:47]
B
No.
- [65:48]
A
Yeah, baby. And the first tweet said, ryan Seacrest is gay. That's perfect. Okay, you ready?
- [66:00]
B
Okay.
- [66:00]
A
In one of the most famous cliffhangers in American television, I mean, I think it is still number one.
- [66:07]
B
This is gonna be Dallas.
- [66:08]
A
Season three of Dallas, who killed Ended with the shooting of jr, Right? The phrase who shot Junior? Entered the lexicon of American popular culture, give or take three years. What year was this finale?
- [66:28]
B
1986.
- [66:30]
A
I knew I should. Three years. That's perfect. 1980.
- [66:34]
B
Damn.
- [66:35]
A
No, 80 and 82 was MASH, I think. The finale. Yeah. Okay. We got a lot of serious civil rights things, but let's get you one here that you're gonna like. All right. I wouldn't be good at this. And I hate to admit that Bach, Johan Sebastian Bach, was born on this day. In what year? I'm going to give you 100 years.
- [67:08]
B
I'm going to say 1610.
- [67:11]
A
Man, you're in the century. So you got it. 1685.
- [67:15]
B
That was a complete dart throw. I went far back because he gave me so many years. I figured it must have been a long time ago.
- [67:22]
A
You could have told me 1780. I would be like, yeah, man. Bach, of course. 1780.
- [67:27]
B
Yeah.
- [67:29]
A
Last one. The Augusta National Golf Club hosted the first Masters tournament. Such an unfortunate name. Masters tournament in Augusta, Georgia. In what year? Give or take 10 years.
- [67:46]
B
I think it was 1800s. I think it was late 1800s. I'm gonna go 18. 1890.
- [67:51]
A
I think it was still a plantation then. It's 1934.
- [67:57]
B
How many years did you give me?
- [67:59]
A
Did we even say it?
- [68:01]
B
Maybe I think you said 45 years.
- [68:03]
A
Oh, did I? Maybe I even forgot to say. But, boy, were you. I would not have said that much.
- [68:10]
B
Yeah.
- [68:11]
A
That we know. And by the way, fun fact, back then in 1930, 34 mandatory, the caddies. This is not a joke. Had to be black. The only part of that that's a joke is that was for the next 50 years.
- [68:26]
B
Yeah.
- [68:27]
A
About. It was until scarily recent times while.
- [68:31]
B
While the first. The first masters, Tiger woods won when he was like, who's he? Like, 19. Blacks were not allowed at the club. And he got a lot of shit for playing at the tournament at a course that didn't allow black players.
- [68:48]
A
It's. It's. It's wrong in so many ways.
- [68:51]
B
I know. All right, let's get down to the obituaries.
- [68:57]
A
All right, hold on. I have some material on the obituary.
- [69:02]
B
Obviously, Chuck Norris famous karate. Was he karate. What was his martial arts?
- [69:11]
A
Martial arts.
- [69:12]
B
Oh, his mixed martial arts.
- [69:14]
A
Yeah. There's the famous. And then, you know, later on in tv, what was the name of his TV show? And Conan would constantly show the clip.
- [69:23]
B
Oh, God.
- [69:24]
A
That dealt with AIDS with the young. Yeah, the guy from Haley Joel Osmit, the actor as a young boy. Yeah. Texas Walker. Ranger Walker. Texas Ranger. Okay. So anyway, you know Chuck Norris. Oh, my God. Remember when he. His fight against Bruce Lee?
- [69:49]
B
What was that?
- [69:51]
A
I think it was.
- [69:51]
B
Didn't he train Bruce Lee?
- [69:53]
A
Dragon? I don't know about that.
- [69:57]
B
Yeah, he did. He trained. He trained Bruce Lee at one point. Point.
- [70:00]
A
That sounds like a Fitz fact, but this one might be true. Anyway, I found some funny stuff on Reddit. There were some Chuck Norris jokes. You know, a man's man, Chuck Norris, walked into a feminist convention and walked out with a sandwich and his shirt ironed. That's what. That's what a man. He was.
- [70:22]
B
All right. Yes. Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee trained together for about three years in the late 60s, primarily in Bruce Lee's backyard, rather than a formal student teacher relationship. They met in 68, developed a close friendship, and frequently sparred. All right, so he didn't train him. They trained together, So I get 50% on that.
- [70:41]
A
Also, Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the islands. Such a dumb joke, but it makes me giggle.
- [70:54]
B
That's good.
- [70:55]
A
All right, let's cheer up.
- [70:56]
B
Let's cheer up with the funnies. Every week. Wait, every week we do the comedy caption contest, spelled with K's. We give you one. One comic strip. You write your punchlines, you send them into fitzdogradiomail.com always put your name directly underneath your joke. We then choose our favorites, read them, choose a winner, and send that person a koozie. And that will happen shortly after last week's comic. Two knights in armor fighting against each other. There's castles in the background. One of them has his sword aimed at the other guy, and the other guy's sword is bent and drooping in his hand and he's looking down at it wide eyed and not happy. Maddie from New Jersey said, I don't like my chances.
- [71:51]
A
I like this callback.
- [71:53]
B
I like the callback to my Rogaine ad.
- [71:56]
A
Yeah.
- [71:57]
B
Sean said, on guard, you limp tard.
- [72:00]
A
Okay, Sean. Yeah, all right.
- [72:04]
B
Radu Sympion said, I promise this never happens. And I'm gay, too.
- [72:09]
A
Oh, wow. He had a little twist in the tail there.
- [72:12]
B
Okay, Radu, give it a shake and squeeze the handle. Let's do this already.
- [72:17]
A
Yeah, yeah. Get that thing firm.
- [72:19]
B
That was David Bentley. Kurt said, Gregor was completely deflated when Victor showed up in the exact same outfit.
- [72:30]
A
Is that what did it?
- [72:31]
B
Yeah, that'll kill you. That'll take your boner away.
- [72:34]
A
You know, you skipped one, and I think that one's kind of funny.
- [72:38]
B
Kurt also wrote, oh, I thought we agreed to silly swords. To silly swords.
- [72:43]
A
It doesn't work. With his horrified expression, that's the only problem. Yeah, but I do like that you. You avoided all the. The go to and first impulse jokes. And that would be a funny thing that the guy would say. Or unexpected, but not with those eyes.
- [73:01]
B
Albert said, I fucked your wife, too.
- [73:04]
A
Seems like that's the guy with the mask saying that, which is not really the idea here. I don't think.
- [73:11]
B
I like the brevity and I like that that's in the vein of what we normally enjoy in a joke. Yeah. Brian Meyer said, it was at this moment Sir Gregory realized he had grabbed his grandfather's sword by mistake.
- [73:26]
A
Yeah. A while to get there and. Yeah, okay. It's okay. Sure.
- [73:32]
B
Adam Copeland said, it's not my fault the Trojans took away all of the feeling.
- [73:37]
A
It's pretty good.
- [73:38]
B
Yeah. It's not bad.
- [73:40]
A
Double. Double use on Trojans. Double meaning there. I like that one.
- [73:47]
B
You want to go with that?
- [73:48]
A
I don't think it's koozie worthy, but it's good.
- [73:52]
B
All right, Adam, congratulations. You won this week, but we're not sending you a koozie.
- [73:57]
A
I think that's the most honest way of stating it. I like that a lot.
- [74:03]
B
All right, let's. Let's go to the place.
- [74:05]
A
We got a letter from someone, an email, I think. And the guy's moving to Thailand and he wants a koozie for his Thai Beers. And I'm gonna get it out to the guy. I go back to LA in the next couple of days, and I'm.
- [74:19]
B
He's leaving in a couple of weeks, so you got to get it in the mail right away.
- [74:22]
A
I'm gonna get it in the mail. I like that guy.
- [74:25]
B
Haggar is talking to Lucky, and he goes, if only my wish would come true. True. And Lucky goes, refrain from magical thinking. And in the second frame, Lucky's got a mermaid on his lap. And Haggard goes, says the fellow who prefers mermaids for girlfriends. Now, what is a mermaid? In the medieval times, was this some kind of a subliminal vision of a woman that. That they get to control, who has no legs to run from them?
- [75:01]
A
Hard to spread her legs.
- [75:04]
B
Yeah, it's all anal. Mermaids are all about the anal.
- [75:07]
A
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Yeah, I didn't know that.
- [75:13]
B
Yeah. Let's go down to the Lockhorns. Leroy is kicking back on a chair. Loretta's standing there with her mother. They look very pissed off. Arms cross, frost. Leroy goes, shouldn't one of you be playing good cop?
- [75:28]
A
That's good.
- [75:31]
B
And then we got.
- [75:33]
A
All right, before Blondie. You want me to do the onion?
- [75:36]
B
Do the onion. Well, now I got another Lockhorn.
- [75:38]
A
Okay.
- [75:39]
B
Loretta's talking to the doctor. She goes, I have a constant headache, but he couldn't come with me today. That's all right.
- [75:46]
A
That's good.
- [75:47]
B
Yeah. All right.
- [75:49]
A
We were talking about airlines and how disappointing they are and how, boy, are they nickel and diming you. Well, the onion was on that. Here it is right here. There's a picture of a woman, like a flight attendant going down the aisle with a garbage bag. And the headline is, southwest Airlines begins assigning chores. It's perfect. It's perfect.
- [76:16]
B
That's amazing.
- [76:17]
A
That's what it's coming to.
- [76:18]
B
I love it. I love it. All right, let's. Let's take it over to our favorite couple. And when I say favorite couple, favorite woman, Blondie is sitting with her back to this fucking lazy numbskull, and she's got a newspaper in her hand. He's got his hands in his pocket. She goes, what's a seven letter word for annoyed? And he goes, that depends.
- [76:41]
A
On.
- [76:42]
B
He says, is it a little annoyed or a lot annoyed? She goes, annoyed. Annoyed. And he goes, this isn't about your crossword puzzle, is it? She goes, what's a two letter word for no?
- [76:52]
A
Oh.
- [76:54]
B
And then she said, what's a four left? What's a four letter word for dagwood? And he said, C U, C, K. She said, exactly.
- [77:04]
A
That's a good one.
- [77:06]
B
She said, what's a seven letter word for after Dagwood goes to sleep? And he said, V I, B, R A, T, O, R. Nice.
- [77:16]
A
Look at you.
- [77:18]
B
I don't know if that's seven.
- [77:19]
A
You should ask AI to make these frames and it might just do it on the first ask.
- [77:24]
B
Yeah.
- [77:24]
A
By the way, does anyone know how to. Like, I've asked it to make things like put in a photo of Diddy like next to this friend of ours, right? And it'll do it. And then you're like, oh, that's great. Can you defocus it a little so it matches the existing photo a little better? And it goes, oh, we just realized this might be copywritten material and. And it stops working. But you get it. I've gotten it the first time. But I wonder what a way around that is.
- [77:52]
B
Yeah. All right, well, I guess it needs
- [77:54]
A
you to say I took this photo or something.
- [77:58]
B
Folks, support our sponsors because that's what pays for the ship. Try miracle.com papers. You're gonna get off 40% and then 20%. So check it out. You can find the code on the video podcast or in the Instagram post. Also, want to just remind people that I'm gonna be doing some LA dates coming up, so check out the website. I'm gonna be in Bakersfield and Escondido. Mike, anything you want to promote?
- [78:27]
A
Yeah, man, these kids have got to slow down the basketball. Use the clock when you're up by 15 or 20. How about that, Michigan? And get at me some unders, will you? There's like seven in a row overs yesterday. It's destroying me.
- [78:45]
B
Jesus.
- [78:46]
A
All right, I bet the unders. In case that's not clear or established yet, most listeners know that.
- [78:52]
B
All right, well, don't forget next week we're going to finish off the Sweet 16 picks and narrow it down to the final eight. And then we'll. We'll keep building. We'll keep building and pay it off. I think on the. Whatever week the finals are, we'll pay it off.
- [79:08]
A
Perfecto.
- [79:10]
B
All right, good hanging.
- [79:11]
A
All right, take it ease.
- [79:13]
B
Take it eash.
- [79:14]
A
All right. Wake up, everybody. It's Sunday papers town. Yeah, we're all so very lucky. It's Sunday papers town. Alright, Sunday papers podcast is here again. Someday papers. Someday papers.