Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 309 4/19/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Episode 309, April 19, 2026

Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons
Theme: A comedic, irreverent breakdown of the week's news and pop culture, laced with anecdotes, playful debates, and plenty of classic banter.

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Episode Overview

This week, Greg and Mike dive into stories ranging from cannabis fires and celebrity roasts to bizarre political moments and listeners' ethical dilemmas. Expect wild tangents about Cameron Crowe, Wawa hot dogs, and dog-driving DUIs, plus sharp takes on misuse of Bible quotes and RFK Jr. gaffes. Add in classic Florida weirdness, international news, This Day in History trivia, and the ever-popular comedy caption contest for a jam-packed, laugh-out-loud episode.

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Key Segments and Discussions

1. Opening Banter & Birthdays (02:02–06:39)

• Houseplant Bug Woes: Greg vents about persistent insects invading his home via potted plants, trying insecticidal sprays and sticky traps. Mike jokes about the indignities of live performances and reminisces about catching a fly on stage in Sacramento.
• Birthdays Recap: Mike recently celebrated with a blackjack-themed party using a QR code to manage bets, while Greg had a quieter family dinner. Greg needles Mike for running a profitable house game, comparing it to Vegas odds and casino perks.

“So it is like an institution systematically set up to take your money? It's exactly like that.” – Greg Fitzgerald (05:41)

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2. Roast Updates, LA Commutes & Cameron Crowe Deep Dive (06:39–11:47)

• Playoff Drama: Greg roots against the Lakers so LeBron can attend the Kevin Hart roast he's writing for.
• Cameron Crowe’s Memoir: Greg is enamored with "The Uncool," praising its behind-the-scenes rock history. Mike and Greg detail Crowe’s teenage years chronicling Led Zeppelin and Allman Brothers for Rolling Stone, debating whether memoirs can ever capture the wildness of real events.
• Roast Speculation: Jeff Ross is confirmed on the Hart roast—he’s workshopping roast jokes across LA and Vegas clubs.

“You see all the scenes he took out of his real life… now are hearing the real story. It's not like a made up band, like ‘Almost Famous.’” – Greg (08:00)

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3. 4/20 Humor, Disneyland After Dark, and Baked Plans (11:47–16:32)

• Holiday Pressures: Mike feels compelled to partake in pot smoking on 4/20 despite not being a regular user.
• Insider Invite: Mike has tickets to a private, late-night Disneyland party hosted by The Woody Show—a dream come true, but LA traffic is daunting.
• Disney’s Anti-Semitism: The hosts riff on Walt Disney’s complicated legacy and their paper for the show: a map of Amsterdam featuring Anne Frank’s house.

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4. Pot Dispensary Fire in Colorado (31:08–33:32)

[31:08] News Story Breakdown

• A marijuana dispensary in Leadville caught fire, triggering an air quality warning and school shutdowns.

Comedic Analysis:

• Mike and Greg joke about massive secondhand highs, creative munchies, Lake County’s “largest volunteer fire department,” and the local art classes’ inspired output.

“They should have waited until 4:20 for this fire. Come on now.” – Greg (32:07)

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5. Caitlyn Jenner, TSA, and Gender Policy Snafus (34:12–37:43)

• Caitlyn Jenner’s travel complications due to Trump’s anti-trans policies become comedic fodder: debates about TSA pat-downs, lawsuit risks, and Al Qaeda’s missed opportunities.
• Greg ponders the logistics: “Caitlyn Jenner comes through. Dings. The male TSA agent has to go ‘female assist.’ Woman comes over, and now she feels a penis. I mean, is that just a layup lawsuit?” (37:04)

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6. RFK Jr. “Reparenting” Gaffe (37:47–41:55)

• A congressional hearing replays RFK Jr.’s statements suggesting medicated Black children should be “reparented.” He denies saying it but is caught in audio.
• Greg and Mike riff on the folly of politicians forgetting everything is recorded, touching also on Kennedy’s personal tragedies and tone-deaf public statements.

“Do politicians not realize… a lot of what they say is put on these things called recordings and videos?” – Mike (39:14)

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7. Tarantino Bible Quotes at the Pentagon (42:09–44:28)

• Secretary Pete Hegseth uses Samuel L. Jackson’s iconic (fictional) scripture from Pulp Fiction in a Pentagon address, believing it biblical.
• Greg delivers the speech in full Tarantino flair; Mike marvels at the political co-opting of religious rhetoric.

“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger…” – Greg, doing Jules (43:30)

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8. Listener Ethical Dilemmas (45:03–50:42)

Topics:

• Staying in a marriage through illness: Both reflect on duty, morality, and grace in relationships (“If you really love somebody that much…” – Mike, 46:12).
• Longtime housekeeper’s work slipping: Stories of household help, theft, and the delicate politics of firing trusted employees.
• Is it okay to lie to feed hungry families? Greg jokes, “It’s okay to lie and tell everyone you know, that you feed hungry families. That’s what I do.” (50:07)

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9. Florida Man: DUI on an E-bike (50:48–53:42)

• A Key West man is arrested after crashing his e-bike into a tricycle while intoxicated and caught with marijuana “contraband” while being booked.
• The real story, Greg points out, is adults riding tricycles in Florida: “That’s the guy’s only defense. I hit an adult on a tricycle. I rest my case.” (53:33)

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10. Quick Hits: Documentaries, Philly Hot Dog Quest, and Wheelchair Nightclub Ban (54:09–60:58)

• Alabama Prison Documentary: Mike recommends this year’s Oscar-winning exposé on brutal labor practices and lack of parole.
• Philly’s Wawa Hot Dog Saga: A Redditor documents his pursuit of the elusive Wawa hot dog, with nightly reports. Mike: “It was 10:30pm, which means the dogs had been put on the rotisserie around 7:30 that morning. Victory!”
• Wheelchair Club Discrimination: Manchester nightclub ejects a disabled woman for “safety.” Mike and Greg wonder if people could eventually get DUIs for electric wheelchairs.

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11. Late-Show Bits: Bad Bike Tickets, Generation Z Recklessness (61:09–65:35)

• Greg’s story of getting a bike ticket while in full reflective gear; police fixate on his lack of a front reflector.
• Videos of teens performing risky stunts on bikes: societal malaise, hopelessness, and the “Sex Pistols with no future” (65:30).

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12. This Day in History Trivia (65:37–71:29)

• Trivia on Fenway Park opening, Queen Elizabeth II’s birth, Columbine, Mae West’s jail sentence, Waco, and the world’s first acid trip.
• Mike does impressively well at guessing historic years.

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13. Caption Contest & Comic Strip Riffs (71:41–80:42)

• Reviewing last week’s dog-driver comic: weak submissions lead to constructive criticism.
• New contest: clown couple on a couch, plus satirical takes on financial advice (Lockhorns) and home improvement (Blondie).
• Onion-style joke: “Live Nation CEO sentenced to 10 years in online queue.” Greg and Mike critique concert industry monopolies.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Cameron Crowe's Memoir:

  “He’s 15 and 16 years old… was he talking about getting laid and doing drugs?” – Mike (08:31) “...just got, he did so much coke, he got so paranoid and… saw on the kid’s ID that he was 16 and he freaked out on him and… took all the tapes from all the interviews he had done…” – Greg (09:14)

• On Disneyland After Dark for 4/20:

  “They rented out Disneyland on Monday night… all the rides are open and you just run around the park for free.” – Mike (15:05)

• On the Lake County Pot Fire:

  “Can you imagine the output at the Lake County Elementary School art class that day? The teacher would be like, Jesse, you are inspired!” – Mike (32:10)

• On Florida Adult Tricycle DUI:

  “If I’m a cop… He points to an adult on a tricycle. I’m like, you can go, sir. I’ve got much bigger fish to fry.” – Greg (53:13)

• On This Day in History – LSD Discovery:

  “A few days after he accidentally discovered LSD’s effects, Albert Hoffman intentionally ingested the drug… rode on his bike home. What proved to be the world’s first acid trip…” – Greg (71:15)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:02] – Greg’s houseplant bugs & Mike’s fly-catching story
• [05:19] – Mike’s birthday blackjack party, gambling infrastructure
• [07:36] – Greg’s LA commutes, “Uncool” Cameron Crowe review
• [11:47] – Roast update, Jeff Ross, 4/20 & Disneyland
• [16:32] – Listener corrections, sports trivia
• [31:08] – Leadville pot dispensary fire
• [34:12] – Caitlyn Jenner’s passport & TSA gags
• [37:47] – RFK Jr. “Reparenting” congressional gaffe
• [42:09] – Pentagon’s Tarantino Bible verse blunder
• [45:03] – Ethical questions: marriage, housekeeping, lying for charity
• [50:48] – Florida: e-bike DUI & adult tricycle incident
• [54:09] – Alabama prison doc, Philly Wawa hot dog saga, Manchester wheelchair bar ban
• [61:09] – Greg’s bike ticket story, risky Gen Z bike stunts
• [65:37] – This Day in History trivia
• [71:41] – Caption contest feedback, comic strip riffs, Live Nation monopoly
• [80:42] – Plugs and show wrap-up

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Final Thoughts

True to form, Sunday Papers 309 is a blend of rapid-fire, left-and-right cultural references, affectionate mockery, and deft pivots between the deeply silly and the earnestly smart. Greg and Mike expertly tie together “news,” listener mail, and lived experience, making even the most trivial stories sound urgent—and the most important stories sound absurd.

Memorable takeaways:

• Reread your favorite memoirs; sometimes, the real story is better than fiction.
• If your tricycle is involved in a Florida DUI, the police may have bigger questions than yours.
• There is always a new way to sneak alcohol onto a golf course.
• And if all else fails, just lie and say you feed hungry families.

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[81:46] – "Take it eash!"

Transcript

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

paper time.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's Sunday. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers flopping down on your welcome mat welcome us into your ears.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For those watching, I'll look like an insane person swatting in the air, but I have These bugs from some house plants. I don't know how to get rid of them. I bought a little insecticide spray. They sell little sticky things you could put in, and, boy, they work. But it's an endless supply of little bugs. Have you ever had that problem?

[Mike Gibbons]

I was on stage one night in Sacramento, and this big fucking fly, a loud fly, was buzzing around my head on stage. And I literally chased it around the stage, left the microphone, chased it around the stage while 200 people cheered. And I jumped up and I grabbed it out of the air.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Come on.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The place went fucking crazy. And it just made me realize how poor my material is. That. That was the highlight of the show for that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the highlight of Sacramento that week, I think.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, I think so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kidding me?

[Mike Gibbons]

We went to Sacramento together. We loved it, remember?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We did. Yeah, we did. We did. It was great.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But anyway, if anyone has any solutions, I got the sticky little little things you put in the plant that catch a lot of them. And anyway, whatever, man. I love house plants.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think Harvey Weinstein had that as well, didn't he?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You know, I should try Harvey Weinstein's trick. Spray him down with my. With my insecticide. Or that also.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, Mike, happy birthday. Mine was a couple episodes ago. Yours was this past week. And congratulations.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sunday. It was Sunday when we aired, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah. But we didn't talk about the party. You hadn't had your party yet. How was that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No party.

[Mike Gibbons]

So you went over to your sister's house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's called a dinner. With four people, including my stepfather. Four people, including me. It was a little different than yours. Yeah, like, I didn't take their money in a blackjack game.

[Mike Gibbons]

Hey, look, man, all you got to do is request it. Here's the thing. I ran an illegal blackjack game in my backyard that Matt Malloy dealt. Here was the deal. You walk up and you buy chips. How do you buy chips? You go to the QR code that's hanging right next to the table.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We don't have to go through this again.

[Mike Gibbons]

And you buy $20 worth of chips. When you're done with the game, you count up how many chips you've won, and. And then you request from the same QR code the amount that you want. Simple, clean, straightforward. And now you're acting like I ripped somebody off. The house didn't even make very much money. We came out a little bit ahead.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You came ahead at your party on a gambling game.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I'm taking the dealer out to Dinner and his wife.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The house always wins. I mean, you don't even. You don't even have to. The dealer can bust and still win the entire hand.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, but did you get free drinks while you were gambling?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay. So it is like a. Like. Like an institution that is systematically set up to take your money. It's exactly like that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Correct.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, got it.

[Mike Gibbons]

And we were pumping oxygen right around the table. How much did you win?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

55 bucks. All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Request it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nope. We're going to let it ride. We'll bet on things.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. Okay. All right. What do you want to bet on this week?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm personally betting against the Lakers. I mean, I always do anyway. But they're about to start the playoffs today, and I'm working on this Kevin hart roast, and LeBron and Kevin Hart are friends, and that would be sprinkling some nice stardust on the roast if LeBron were to attend. And so I'm rooting for LeBron to be available on May 11th or whatever.

[Mike Gibbons]

10th, I say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, let's see.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that's my personal. But. But the playoffs have begun in earnest, so.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, so the odds. Right now, it's the Rockets against the Lakers, and it looks like Houston is favored. Yes, but you want the Lakers to lose.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, well, that's. It's a four and a half point spread on tonight's game. So let's play tonight's game. Four and a half points for $55.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let me check your math. I mean, good Lord, where Are you looking?

[Mike Gibbons]

DraftKings.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, nice.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, why don't you check later? But let's just say for the sake of this. You're the one who's taking the Lakers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, all right, I know. It'd just be nice during this podcast to get your head up out of your phone for maybe 30%.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you mean? I just looked at it because you brought it up. Speaking of, on my phone, I now have a commute to work. It's nice in LA. It's about. The office is only about 10 miles away, so it's. It's an hour drive each way. And I started listening to Cameron Crowe's new book, the Uncool. Have you done it?

[Mike Gibbons]

No. What is that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's. It's. It's great. Cameron Crowe's autobiography is memoir, and so far, it's very, like, Almost Famous. And you see all the scenes he took out of his real life, but you also now are hearing the real story. It's not Like a made up band, like Almost Famous. I mean the unbelievable, like the Allman Brothers stories, the Zeppelin stories. They're just, they're really. And he's 15.

[Mike Gibbons]

Catch people if they don't know this story. Tell, Tell people story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Cameron Crowe has one of the most extraordinary lives. He was, he's, he's in. He grew up in San Die and as a young kid he started writing for the local free newspaper and he asked him if he could. He started getting to music. So long story short, at 15 years old he's getting published in Rolling Stone magazine and he's in the hotel rooms at the Hyatt on Sunset, which was called the Riot because of all the rock bands and the decadence in that hotel. And he depicted a lot of this in his film Almost Faint Famous. But this book has, I'm listening to him read it. Has. And he gets like choked up at different times. It's, it's, it's an, it's, it's a good read and anyway, I highly recommend it especially.

[Mike Gibbons]

So he's touring with Led Zeppelin and

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the Allman brothers and he's 15 and 16 years old.

[Mike Gibbons]

Was he talking about getting laid and doing drugs?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, but, but, and, and not doing both of those for a big part of it because his mom is exactly like she was depicted so well and almost famous. Yeah, but just all these stories, they're incredible. And like Greg Allman freaking out on him and then to make. Bring your bag of tapes. And then like he just got, he did so much coke, he got so paranoid and he thought you might be the FBI and he demanded his ID and then he saw on the kid's ID that he was 16 and he freaked out on him and then took all the tapes from all the interviews he had done for a cover story for Rolling Stone. Anyway, I have not blown that story, believe it or not.

[Mike Gibbons]

Have you gotten to the part where he goes undercover in a high school when he's 21 years old?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that's what I want to do. So he graduated high school really young. Also, his mom had him take summer classes every year. He pitched a story I haven't gotten there yet where he goes, I want to write about the California high school experience. And he goes back to high school undercover and writes Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

[Mike Gibbons]

That must have been. Apparently the principal was the only person in the entire school that knew that he was undercover and that all those stories and all those characters are based on real things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's incredible.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. What a life. And Then. And then he marries Ann Wilson from Hart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, Wilson, Nancy. I don't even know. I mean, I'm not there yet, but. Yeah, I forget. I always mix it up and I wonder if they're still married. But the. The uncool is from Lester Bangs, who he worshiped. Another. The rock critic of the time. But that's the scene in Almost Famous where they're on the phone and he's like, we're not cool, man. He's like, you know, and, and, and, and basically kind of convinced him not being cool is cool. Especially Seymour Hoffman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was great in it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. So, updates on the roast. Who do we have confirmed as a roaster at this point, or is that still under wraps?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not allowed to talk about it because I don't know what's public.

[Mike Gibbons]

Uh huh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There has not been a press release with the people on the dais.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I'll tell you this. We know that Jeff Ross is a part of it. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can count on that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, he's not keeping it quiet. Every club I go to in la, he's out there with pages and pages of Roast jokes, trying the jokes out on the audience.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. I'm glad he is.

[Mike Gibbons]

So am I. So is the audience. The audience loves it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Today's Saturday. He's in Vegas at a. I think it's a UFC fight, and he's doing some. He's trying material out there, and I think Kevin Hart's there as well. It's some big event in Vegas. I forget what it is.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Did you see Joe Rogan was at the White House standing behind Trump while he signed some Robert F. Kennedy regulations in. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, man. Okay. Robert F. Kennedy. Well, you have him in the news here.

[Mike Gibbons]

We're gonna tease that story. That's coming up soon. Also. Today is 4:19. Tomorrow's 4:20. We're gonna go get baked somewhere, celebrate Hitler's birth. Hey, now. Hi. How come people never said, hi, Hitler? It just seems like it would have been more casual, would have made it. Made him seem less like a monster.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Then Heil.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, just hi, Hitler.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Heil's pretty mellow, too. It's very.

[Mike Gibbons]

We just got kicked off the algorithm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, boy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Took us 12 minutes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does that really kick you off?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. I don't understand the algorithm.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, you know, they're concerned about anti Semitic. We're making fun of it any more than that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, maybe it'll detect that I didn't have the L at the end of it, and we'll get away with it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe it was when you said Joe Rogan was standing behind Trump. Maybe that's what kicked us off.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. So, yeah, four twenties coming up. Which it is always funny because I'm not a pot smoker, but I do feel this pressure to smoke some pot on 420.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I usually try to. I'm trying to see what do I got on my calendar for 420. I got Jimmy Pardo's pot. Oh, hey, you want to do something fun on 420?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, at night I'm working every day at night.

[Mike Gibbons]

We got. There's a radio show called the Woody show, which is broadcast all over the country. It's huge. It's so huge. They rented out Disneyland on Monday night. And it's for all of their listeners and friends to go to Disneyland. From 8 o' clock until 1 in the morning, all the rides are open and you just run around the park for free.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's impressive.

[Mike Gibbons]

You want to do that and smoke pot from Hollywood.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my God. To Disneyland. I don't know. What is that, a two hour commute? I don't know, probably 30 miles.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Yeah. That is a little rough. And then I'll think about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll think about it. That's a fun 420.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I got five tickets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then also Disney was anti Semitic, so it's all keeping in theme.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, that's right. He was a little non lover of the Jews.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How you phrase it? Speaking of Hitler, man, we're going to crinkle paper. I just found paper in here. It's in my closet and it was behind something and it is a. It's Amsterdam. It's a map of Amsterdam.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, perfect.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

With Aunt Frank's house right on the map there. So that's what we're going to crinkle with. It all comes together.

[Mike Gibbons]

Perfect. I also want to talk. Oh, and I'm doing Benson interrupted on 4 21, which is Doug Benson's podcast where everybody. The back, the green room for that show is filled with bongs and weed and edibles.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

People are encouraged to and buy before the show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Have you seen it? It's like you watch a movie, you make comments about it as you go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, it's really fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was. Wasn't it like get high with Doug or something like that is Doug. Oh, all right.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, that was called getting Doug with high. Oh, also, before we get into it, I just want to say I, you know, it's Random what songs you listen to. Sometimes you'll watch a TikTok video and it'll have a song on it. Then you go, oh, I haven't listened to that album in a long time. So I threw on Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette. Holy shit. What a fucking powerful. You forget how great that album is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I haven't. I haven't listened to it. Well, no one. It's like no one listens. I wonder if my girls. Well, I bet they have with Olivia has a Billie Eilish and. And others, but. And maybe with Taylor Swift, they're listening beginning to end in order albums. But it's. It's getting more rare.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, that's why I got Jojo a boombox about five or six years ago, and I put together a book, you know, sleeves of CDs. There's about a hundred CDs. I picked like, my hundred CDs. I thought she most should listen to important ones, you know, Sinead o' Connor and Blood on the tracks. And. And one of them was. The one she most responded to was Jagged Little Pill. She fucking Love. Which made me realize she's going to break up with a lot of guys in her day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is a boombox that plays CDs.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. I love it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. All right, let's get into it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's do it. Here we go. Amsterdam. Here we go. All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Today's logo. Today's logo is from Bruce. It is, I think, playing off the whole Trump.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Being Jesus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's. It's you as Jesus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Mike Gibbons]

That was. That was da Vinci, was it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, the Sistine Chapel.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. But what was that painting called? The.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know. I just actually saw, like, a quiz that came across my feed and I failed that one. I forgot the name of it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Da Vinci.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could. I could look it up on my phone if you didn't yell at me.

[Mike Gibbons]

Touching.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sistine Chapel painting name. Just come on.

[Mike Gibbons]

The Baptism of Christ. No, that's not it. The Baptism of Christ.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess it was going to listen to this.

[Mike Gibbons]

You think they should? No, that's not it. Oh, what was it called?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Christ on the Ceiling.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, it's not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, it's not.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. And I give a shout out to Jeff Snyder for the song. Fantastic. Fucking loved it. Creation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Creation of Adam.

[Mike Gibbons]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, because it's depicting Genesis.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's not it. You're wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Correction. Speaking of correcting, Mike, he stated that the aliens would be watching us fly to the moon still using fossil fuel. In fact, the rockets used in the Artemis mission do not use fossil fuels. The Artemis missions rocket primarily burns liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen and its core stage and upper stage engines. Happy birthday, Mike, from Larry Z. Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Very cute. Very nice. Yeah, you're right. I guess as I was. As I stated, I was trying to differentiate it from like non fuel. Like, it's weird. I don't know if magnets can be considered a fuel, but like, you know, our old. These old ways of fueling engines, even our engines being old school and primitive.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Then somebody said, Mikey the Yankee clipper was Joe DiMaggio. Mickey Mantle's nickname was the Mick or the Commerce Comet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of people quite upset about that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, very upset about that. And you call yourself a big Yankees fan.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was when I don't call myself a big Yankees. And then of course, on YouTube, I further provoked them saying, I'm sorry, I meant the Splendid Splinter, which is Ted Williams.

[Mike Gibbons]

Ah. And then Levi Scott. Jesus Christ. You guys had trouble this Sunday. I mean, Joe DiMaggio thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

And then later you insisted. Walt Walter Cronkite uttered the line a day that will live in infamy about Pearl Harbor. Mike corrected and said it was fdr, but I think we. I think we auto corrected that one, didn't we?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you mean, auto? Autocorrect.

[Mike Gibbons]

Didn't we do it at the time? Didn't we catch it at the time?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's autocorrect. Yeah, I did. No, he said that. He said. Mike corrected you and said it was fdr.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, so I guess they're just pointing out that in the moment I made a mistake. I don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I believe it's a date that will live in infamy, I think, not in.

[Mike Gibbons]

Maybe somebody can correct whether or not it was Ann Wilson or Nancy Wilson from Hart that married Cameron Crowe. Tour dates.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No need. I'm going to look it up on my phone as you list this rather growing list. You're now into 2027 with this list. Go for it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Escondido, the Grand Comedy Club, April 24th and 25th. Fun room Brea at the Improv on May 8th. Very excited about this date. I'm coming to Boston, the place I started at the Laugh Boston Comedy Club, May 29th and 30th. You see my buddy John Tobin. We're going to sell out shows. Get your tickets right away. Then I'll be in Rochester, New Hampshire, at the Opera House, June 5th. A Gunquit, Maine at Jonathan's on June 6th. Then we got dates coming up in St. Pete's Cincinnati, Columbus, La Jolla. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out, see some live comedy. Also, want to give a shout out to Gotham Productions, who produces our show, edits it, posts it, clips it, they do it all. They do an amazing job. If you're looking for any podcasting support, get in touch with us. We'll put you in touch with them. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. So it was Nancy Wilson, right? I literally googled Cameron Crow wife Nancy Wilson. It says to present. And then I scroll down to the first story and the headline was, Cameron Crowe, 67, welcomes third baby. His first with girlfriend. So here's a picture of him with

[Mike Gibbons]

his girlfriend, snuck into a high school and, and picked somebody up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Jerry Maguire director, 67, welcomed his third baby and first with girlfriend. Anay Smith, the new mom, 40, share the happy news along with photos of their baby girl. This is November 10, 2024, I believe. Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

I gotta tell you, 40 year old women having babies these days is a dangerous proposition. With microwaves and PCBs, you gotta be real careful. At 40,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nancy Wilson filed for divorce. It will not give. It says September. I don't even know what year. Imagine.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, that's very sad news. She was, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I think 2010.

[Mike Gibbons]

I was kind of obsessed with Hart when I was a teenager. I saw them live in concert three times. One of the times at Pier 86 in New York. Did you ever go to that venue? Yes, outdoor venue. Right on, right on the Hudson River. It was fucking great. Sun would be setting in a summertime show. Drinking warm beer. This is before they checked. You snuck in about six beers in different parts of your body.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just saw, by the way. So Cameron Crowe got divorced from Nancy Wilson in 2010. I just saw an ad come across my feed. I don't golf enough to know this, but I guess sneaking drinks on the golf course is a very big sport in itself. Yeah, right. Like you have to hide them, but they. Sometimes the starter checks your bags and all this, these are things so you know the big jugs that you use that have a grass seed in them that you use to fill in your divots?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They have those made you just loaded with drinks. It holds like eight shot glasses and those things and they're made magnets that click onto your card and anyway, it's ingenious. A lot of time is being spent on enabling the sneaking of alcohol.

[Mike Gibbons]

I love it. You know, it's very, it's A very big thing these days to start to take weight loss more seriously. I think more and more people are understanding the medical risks of being overweight. There's been some really great breakthroughs. Obviously hims weight loss is a way for you to do this easily. It gives you access to affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications including the WeGovy pill and pen designed to help you lose weight and keep it off. When combined with diet and exercise, people can lose up to 20% or more of their body weight. I don't think you can pick which parts of your body lose weight, but overall 25% 1/5 will come off potentially.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah. We have our buddies on it and is enjoying tremendous success.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh our buddy. I know literally five people and five for five are just overwhelmed with the success of it. So. And there's also, there's a lot of studies now showing that it helps with addiction. First of all, you don't have the urge to drink on it and just the cravings seem to go away anyway. It helps by regulating your appetite so you naturally eat less without feeling like you're constantly fighting cravings. Everything handled online, you connect to a licensed provider. If prescribed, your medication is shipped directly to your door. No insurance needed. On top of that, you get access to 247 messaging with your care team and tools like meal plans, recipes, fitness guidance and more to actually support the lifestyle side of things. So I mean I could tell you firsthand, based on anecdotally people in my life, this sounds like a really great way to access this stuff. Visit ready to reach your goals? Visit himssims.compapers to get a personalized affordable plan that gets you that's h I m s.com papers himss.com papers based on advertised cash price for 30 days supply, medication only, membership required, fee not included and bill separately. Weight loss by HIMSS is not available in all 50 states. WeGovy is the registered trademark of Norvo Nordisk. As to get started, learn more including important safety information, WeGovy clinical study information and restrictions. Visit hims.com There you go, buddy. I fucking nailed that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That was a good read. You could, you could use a nice little nap after this podcast. Maybe on some miracle.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no. I took Ritalin this morning. I was dragging and I said I can't wait. I'm not letting my partner Mike Gibbons down. Not the week of his birthday. I won't do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Way to stymie my segue into miracle made sheets though.

[Mike Gibbons]

Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why don't you just toss and turn in your Miracle make you want to like they're that comfortable. You can toss and turn in them. You'd actually it would feel delicious. If you've ever woken up too hot or too cold or just uncomfortable, you know how much your sheets actually matter. And I do. I am beginning to think my comforter is too good because in the middle of the night then I take it off. And the miracle made sheets, by the way, I checked, I did get the same as you. They're kind of like a gray in the blue.

[Mike Gibbons]

They choose many colors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. That's the ones that they sent us and I love them. Traditional sheets can build up a lot of bacteria over time which can lead to odors and even skin issues. Miracle made sheets are designed to Prevent up to 99.7% of bacterial growth so they stay fresher longer. Yes listeners, that means fewer washes, less hassle, better sleep. So upgrade your sleep or give the gift of better rest. Go to.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, let me tell you this. First of all, it's not just about cleanliness. It's not just about temperature. These feel like you were in the four seasons, maybe even the fifth season. It is like luxury hotel quality sheeting. Let's bedding. Let's just say that now. Go ahead, Mike.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I was just going to say you go to the website which is try miracle.com papers to try miracle made sheets today you'll save over 40% and when you use promo code papers you'll get an extra 20% off. Not over yet. Plus a free three piece towel set. They make an amazing gift and with a 30 day money back guarantee there is no risk. That's trymiracle.com papers code papers@ checkout. Thanks to Miracle made for sponsoring us

[Mike Gibbons]

and you know, upgrade your sleep or give the gift of better rest. It's a great gift as well. All right, let's get a crinkle. Let's get into it. 20 less than 30 minutes and we're getting to the first story crinkling all

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the canals in abstract. Look at this one. Does you grab this story?

[Mike Gibbons]

A popular dispensary pot dispensary in Leadville, Colorado caught on fire forcing an air quality alert for residents in the immediate area. Around 9am Thursday, the lake County Sheriff's office said it had responded to a fire based on photos they shared. Floyd's of Leadville was on fire. Nearby homes were evacuated. A community alert was sent about air quality concern within a half mile of the fire. The public health agency said residents should stay inside or wear an N95 mask outside or a bong to trap it or just strap a bong to your face. Lake County Elementary School, which is about 0.3 miles away, has canceled all outdoor activities. Something tells me truancy was up a little bit that day at Lake County Elementary School.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They should have waited till 4:20 for this fire. Come on now.

[Mike Gibbons]

Exactly. I do think, can you imagine the fucking output at the Lake County Elementary School art class that day? The teacher would be like, jesse, you are inspired. 3 dimensional 19 colored figure of the Eiffel Tower.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

711 sold out of hot dogs immediately.

[Mike Gibbons]

Of course, the whole.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All the dogs in the town are like, what's. Because the owners are just getting on the floor wanting to play with their dogs. Like, what is. It's the best day ever in that town.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh my God. And that day the largest volunteer fire department in the country was founded. This is like the opposite of 9 11.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, kind of. Although I bet everybody crashed early afternoon, right?

[Mike Gibbons]

And apparently there were no Jews in Colorado that day or any day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that what it is again?

[Mike Gibbons]

420 lot of babies born nine months from now. I think they should check that. I think they should look nine months from now in whatever this town, Lake County, Colorado, and see if births are spikes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They might have been. They might have been too, too, too Zen out, too stoned.

[Mike Gibbons]

Do you have more or less sex while you're high?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's obviously better. Yeah, I mean, that's just a fact. I mean it's a fact that. Sorry, I'm killing bugs. It's a. I mean, I think it's just a fact that it heightens some senses. Physical senses.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So in that way it's better.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe you're less present. And one could argue like some nerd could argue you have to be present during sex. Whatever.

[Mike Gibbons]

Present. What is this? Christmas?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm doing it. Get away. Jesus. Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Speaking of suck my dick. Caitlyn Jenner appeared on a Fox Nation podcast, broke her silence about due to Donald Trump's anti trans executive orders. Her passport now says she's male, curtailing her ability to travel. But she assured Fox listeners that she still loves the President.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, great.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, she's gonna miss it. She enjoys flying to other countries and then, you know, transitioning into their culture. Yeah, hopefully this means she was a really bad joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you froze during it. They probably for me at home, they probably are still dying, laughing.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, what was your joke?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hopefully she can't vote and it's not really a joke. I'm Being serious, like, everything has to match. Like. Like married women who now have to prove that it's their maiden name, which is such an odd, antiquated statement phrase, but their maiden name has to identify them. Gets a little complicated with old Caitlin.

[Mike Gibbons]

I know my wife.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The law would force her to deadname herself, right? Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

You know, she grew up in Tarrytown, New York, my town. She holds all the records in the high school, swimming, running.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was a Chappaqua connection as well.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Then. Then she. She moved to Chappaqua after that. Might not have been the high school. Might have been, like, the middle school. She held all the records. Anyway, I guess people are gonna miss watching her go through TSA and get that pat down. Just. Just to see the look on the agent's face when he. When she puts her hand on that saggy cock that's crawling down her leg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Did she get it removed? Do we know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I don't think so. I could be wrong, but. All right, you're a TSA agent, right? Caitlyn Jenner comes through. You're the guy there. The. The bell goes off. So, like, when I go through and it goes off and they need to pat down around my belt or behind my hat even, and it's a woman they have. I have to wait.

[Mike Gibbons]

Even though it's male assist, they say, male assist, male assist.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Even if it's like my hat, I'm like, you can touch the back of my head. They can't. Right. It's. It's heavily regulated and very clearly stated. What. What can be done? Caitlyn Jenner comes through. Dings. The male agent has to. The male TSA agent has to go. Female assist. Woman comes over, and now she feels a penis. I mean, is that just a layup lawsuit?

[Mike Gibbons]

It is, it is. I mean, if I was Al Qaeda, and I'm not saying I'm not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, TSA agent would sue. Yeah, go ahead.

[Mike Gibbons]

I would get. I would get trans women who still have penises to go through airport security because they're just going to go for, fuck it, let him through. We don't want to get involved. And that cock is made out of tnt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's. That's the plan.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, it feels like mine is sometimes, and I think that would be a great porn movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Get the ACDC song cranking. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, listen, why don't you read this next story?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Two years ago, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Suggested that black children prescribed depression or ADHD medication should be, quote, re parented. When confronted with that statement on Thursday by Representative Terry Sewell, a black Democrat from Alabama, he denied ever saying it. Quote, in a 2024 podcast interview, you suggested that black children on ADHD medication should be reparented. You said every black kid is now just standard, put on Adderall, SSRIs, benzos, which are known to induce violence, and that those children are going to have to go somewhere to get reparented. Have you ever reparented or parented a black child? RFK Jr. Immediately went on the defensive. I doubt that I said that phrase. No. Not going to answer something I didn't say. You absolutely said it. I'd like to hear the recording. Kennedy is completely wrong here. And he said what Seawall is accusing him of saying nearly verbatim. And then here's the recording. And they played.

[Mike Gibbons]

I cut it out, but they played the recording. And it was exactly word for word what he had said. Do. Do politicians not realize that a lot of what they say is put on these things called recordings and videos or

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

that someone's not going to quote you unless they have the receipts?

[Mike Gibbons]

Right, right, right. And by the way, are black kids taking more ADHD medication than white kids? Do they need to get reparented?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I find that hard to believe.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm on add, but here's the thing. I agree with them. I think. I mean, I think I should be reparented. I think. I also think you should.

[Mike Gibbons]

We're 59 and 60 years old. Isn't it a little late?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If not now, when? No, we could use it. We have a whole. We have a whole third act. We have to. And probably the hardest one.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's true. That's true. Well, as my mother does listen to this podcast, I. I will say from my heart, I would never want to be reparented.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She would like to reparent you.

[Mike Gibbons]

I bet she would like to reach child me. I think more than I would like to repair it her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, you wouldn't want. Oh my God. I would do so many things differently. Like I'm feeling like now I know why grandparents often are so good. Or like my mom was such a great grandparent. It's. It was her second shot at parenting.

[Mike Gibbons]

Uh huh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what I mean? Like, I would be so much more present with my kids if I had. If I could do it again.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And which is so easy to say, but I really would try.

[Mike Gibbons]

So. And by the way, is this a better. Is this. Here's. Here's another scenario for kids that. That. Would you. Would you. Would you think that this child should be reparented? The father, during his marriage to his wife, was accused of compulsive infidelity. Reports suggesting she felt used up and tossed away and then committed suicide because of it. Is that better than being on some OCD medications?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's rfk.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's his kids. That. That was. That was him. He was the father.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus. She. She committed suicide.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. 2012.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's so funny. That's like. That would normally be top of someone's list. Like, hey, that's kind of a blemish on his record. Like, it's so far down the list.

[Mike Gibbons]

And by the way, maybe should the kids take the drugs he took as a child? Heroin, cocaine, lewds. He was in. He was in rehab for all of those things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe he's identifying as a little black kid now and he is asking indirectly to be reparented.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. Yes. He is sort of in blackface with that tan that he's always working on. He's definitely in brown face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love this next story.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, why don't you read it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth quoted the fake Bible verse from Samuel Jackson, Samuel L. Jackson's monologue, as Jules Winfield in Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, apparently believing it was completely real. The moment came. It is such they haven't even Cage fought on the White House lawn, which will just be the. Just the, like, dessert on this shit cake administration. But like, this stuff is going on. It's just such a clown show. The moment came at one of Hegset's Pentagon sermons on Wednesday morning. They call it Csar 25:17, which I think is meant to reflect Ezekiel 25:17. Hegseth erroneously said, saying the lead planner of the combat search and rescue operation in Iran shared it with him. So the prayer is Caesar 25:17. And it reads, the path of the downed aviator is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of camaraderie and duty, shepherd the loss through the valley of darkness.

[Mike Gibbons]

Come on, read it like Samuel Jackson read it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to capture and destroy my brother. And you will know my call sign is Sandy1 when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ben Hegseth told a military story about a soldier carrying a woman Watch up his ass for five years, young man and dying of dysentery.

[Mike Gibbons]

This uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass. And then he asked AOC to take her shoes off and call Clarence Thomas the N word.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was a Tarantino day.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, he really got into it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What an idiot.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, the thing is about these guys is they have co opted the Christian vote without really being Christians. You know, I mean, when, when a reporter asked Trump which is which, which of the books of the Bible was his favorite, he, he, he literally sat there silent, stumped. And then he goes, I don't really want to talk about it. And they go, well, you must have one. And he goes, I like them all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it's so hard to pick one when you read them. When you read them every day. It's so hard to pick one.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, let's do an ethical question. I believe it's your turn, my friend.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here we go. Here we go. All right. You can choose whichever one you like. That's a pretty good batch. It's a pretty good batch. My husband's illness has me feeling trapped. Do I have to stay

[Mike Gibbons]

in sickness and in health?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, that's the thing, right?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I mean, to me, I think that's an act of grace. And our friend Lisa Zimble, her father Ken, who is one of my favorite human beings in the world, his wife got dementia and was laid up for years. That dude, she didn't even know who was in the room and he was at her fucking bedside every single day for years. And it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And, you know, if you really love somebody that much, like when I think about me and Aaron, talk about it all the time, you know, like, I don't think she believes I would take care of her as well when she was sick, but I would think of it as a way of showing how much you loved them, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Wow. I'm reading the description. So he. They've been married for decades. He's diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects his mobility. Now mostly housebound, I guess he can still drive, barely, blah, blah, blah. Still functioning. But it has been a sad, stressful, and difficult time for me to watch his decline. Yes, I'm sure it's hard on you also. It's also lonely. I feel I no longer have a partner to enjoy activities with. But right now I feel like a shut in with my husband. We don't go anywhere or do anything because it's too difficult. Some friends remain, but others have drifted away. I'm in good health and have been active. I left. If I left my husband, I would have a more peaceful, less stressful life with more independence and less responsibility. It seems like living single again would be an immense relief and I would probably be happier. I would like to do it, but I don't feel morally that I could. To walk out on him now seems selfish, but I have healthy seems, but I have healthy years ahead. It's my life and I wish to enjoy what's left.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, what's the bar? What's the bar? What if you're. What if your spouse just gets. Forget. Forgetful. What if they get a little crankier? What if they can't do as much physical stuff? What's the, what's the line that. What's the 38th parallel where you get up and leave them on their own in a worse condition?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wonder also, like, if you did. If you tested this and you polled and I wonder, like, like, let's say the percentage is. I'm making 60% say you have the right to leave. Right. And 40% say, how dare you. I wonder if you switched it and it was a husband asking this about the woman. I bet those percentages would change.

[Mike Gibbons]

Did you know that the orchestra leader of the Warsaw Symphony conducts a lot of polls? I just made that up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It kind of conducts a lot of polls.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's a conductor and the musicians are all.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Great joke.

[Mike Gibbons]

Thank you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wish the connection went out during. Oh, you want another one?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, sure, yeah, I'll take another one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My longtime housekeeper's work is slipping. What should I do?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, we've had a woman that we've worked with. She was a nan. She was a part time nanny for. For our kids. And then as our kids grew up, she transitioned into being our housekeeper. She is among the worst housekeepers in the history of Guatemala. She comes in and breaks. Like she broke two different giant wall mirrors, knocked them off the wall and smashed them. She constantly takes the vacuum and she beats the legs of the furniture with the vacuum and they're. They're all chipped. She fucking misplaces things. It's awful. But what are you gonna do? You know, especially now, like with the ice situation, you know, it's hard to get work and there's no way we can get rid of her. Oh, yeah, and her daughter robbed us. She was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God. That one still.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yep. She would babysit for us. And then we recommended her to a couple friends and they both called us and said, we think she stole from us. So we planted money in the house in hidden places and went out for the night. And when we came back, all the money was gone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow, that's 15 years ago or something. So.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. And we never told the mother. We never told our housekeeper that happened.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She couldn't hear you over all the breaking glass anyway. All right, here's the last one. Is it okay to lie in order to feed hungry families? I think a better question is it okay to lie and tell everyone you know, that you feed hungry families? That's what I do.

[Mike Gibbons]

Exactly. Every Sunday I'm at that soup kitchen,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I gotta redo my budget. But one number's not changing. How much I give to hungry families from the picket line.

[Mike Gibbons]

Hungry families. Every time I cook for my family.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's exactly right. That's a good way to spin it. All right, let's make America Florida.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here we go. Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. A 53 year old Key west man was arrested on DUI and drug charges after deputies say he crashed an ebike into a tricycle while intoxicated. According to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office, the crash happened around 10:26pm way earlier than I would have guessed.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, for Florida, though, you got to remember, he went to dinner at 4:30pm

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Investigators said he was riding an E bike, I think. Yeah. When he collided with an adult riding a tricycle. The other writer told deputies that he ran into him and appeared to be intoxicated. Deputies said Saturday that the guy was taken into custody after failing field sobriety exercises at the scene. He faces charges of driving under the influence, possession of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, and get this one, smuggling contraband into a detention facility. So I'm like, what is that about? So while he was being booked, authorities said approximately three marijuana cigarettes were found in his possession, leading to an additional charge. But, like, isn't that just on him when you're arresting him?

[Mike Gibbons]

That's on the cops. Unless he slid them up his ass, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, I think they were, like, in his pocket. I think I did find that out. But also, I want to know more about the adult on the tricycle. That's the story here.

[Mike Gibbons]

If you're. If you're in Key west on a tricycle. I think that was the verse of wasting away again at Margaritaville that he didn't get to. He did that one during the live shows.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was right after he blew out his flip flop.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, he blew out his front tire on his tricycle in the next verse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right? If I'm a cop on the scene, right? And I get there, and I'm seeing this inebriated guy. His bike's on the ground, and he clearly is affected by substances. I start dealing with him, and then I'm like, so wait a minute. How did you crash? He's like, well, I crashed into him. I'm like, who's him? And he's like that. And he points to an adult on a tricycle. I'm like, you can go, sir. I've got much bigger fish to fry over here. I mean, that's what's happening.

[Mike Gibbons]

The guy's got a bib on. He's got a little sucky thing in his mouth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm pretty sure this is alcohol and maybe weed. I've got to explore what's going on over here, though, because it's more than that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. And the guy's definitely got a diaper on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, that's all. That's the guy's only defense. I hit an adult on a tricycle. Like, that's all. I rest my case. That's it.

[Mike Gibbons]

You got to let me go. Can the witness approach the bench? Squeak, squeak, squeak. Pedal, pedal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's a good story in prison, too. What are you in for? It's like, that's the. That's the psycho. That's not the one who, like, smuggled women across state lines.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, we're going to make a prison. Speaking of prison, did you see the Alabama prison movie, the documentary that won the Oscar this year?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. I heard it's great.

[Mike Gibbons]

Holy shit, it is. The prisons in Alabama are being run by abusive, racist men that have absolutely no checks and balances. They're policed by themselves. They. They basically don't give parole to anybody because they are working them all. They rent them out at 30 bucks an hour to local businesses. Agriculture. Fucking. The aquarium has guys working there in jumpsuits that say state prison on the back. They are renting out thousands of inmates, and they pay them $2 an hour, so no one's getting parole. And on the inside, they're getting beaten to death. It's fucking crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sounds nice. Light. Light viewing.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I will say that everyone struggles with. What am I going to watch? I just finished a series. What should I watch now? Whenever you're stumped and I. This is. I have to take my own advice. Whenever you're stumped, just go look at the nominated films for best documentary and just pick one. Yeah, they're. They're really so many Times I've been like, of course this is. I mean, I'm not that the Academy always gets it right, but very often in those five or seven nominees are mind blowing documentaries.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, there was one we watched last night. It was called who is Samuel Bateman? It's about the Church of Latter Day Saints. And there was a cult that this dude was running with teenage girls. And the families would give their daughters to this cult leader and then he would have sex with the daughters in front of the parents and then make the parents have sex with other people in front of their daughters. 11, 12, 13 years old. It's so sick and disturbing. I highly recommend it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I already told you, I mean, if Joe Namath, it was a cult, that's why I'm still a Jets fan. I'd give up my daughters to Joe Namath. We want to give up your mom, your sister wants to give up your. We all want to give our ladies and women to Joe Namath. Okay, let's make America Philly again. Okay, this is elegantly written. Not by me. A man wanted a hot dog, so we went to Wawa at night to get one. And when there wasn't one, he tried again at a different Wawa the next night, and the next and the next. Always unlucky for eight straight days. So he started posting updates on Reddit and he would show the empty hot dog cases. And I guess this became a thing in Philly. Day one, no hot dogs. Two, no hot dogs. Day three, no hot dogs. I will never give up, he wrote after day three. By day five, the man had snapped. This is now five Wawas. That means this Wawa organ is an organizational problem. Make some fucking hot dogs. It's not that complex. He wrote on that day's update. And then the thesis. I don't care about eating hot dogs. I just want Wawa to not suck anymore. And this wasn't just a one off. It was seven nights different wawas. All the same result. Then day eight, it finally happened. The glorious smorgasbord of dogs. A full case Frankfurt and Academy around 10:30pm Victory. So it's a nice little Philly story about Wawa hot dogs.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, it's a qualified victory because it was 10:30pm which means the dogs had been put on the rotisserie around 7:30 that morning. So. Oh, victory.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, he's no longer with us. But this is a nice way to go out.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I mean, if you're in Philly, you go get a cheesesteak if you want to pollute your bowels, you get a cheesesteak from Gino's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, boy, here come the letters. Right, what's the one? Caddy corner or whatever. I've never been. Aren't they across the street from each other? The rivals?

[Mike Gibbons]

Two across the street. Me and Owen were in Philly and we got. We each got one from each place and then switched them up. Not that good. It's a tourist trap, I'm telling you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is the plant. We open a hot dog stand across from Pink's. We start that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And 60 years from now, they'll be like that. One's been here 60 years, the other one's been here 100 years. Who cares? Yeah, and we do it fast. No line at our place.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, all right. Now we're going to international. Hold on, here we go. International.

[Mike Gibbons]

An 18 year old woman who was escorted out of a nightclub after she was told her wheelchair was a safety risk has described the ordeal as embarrassing. Maddie Haining went to a club in Manchester's gay village, not only crippled on Saturday with a friend, but within five minutes of entering was asked by a bar manager to leave. She posted a clip on Instagram. It's not okay to be removed from bars because you are disabled and different to other people. If they can be here, then why shouldn't we? She was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're a bummer. Go ahead.

[Mike Gibbons]

She said security staff helped lift her wheelchair into the venue and initially told her and her friend there was no problem. It's. Look, it's not because she was disabled because she wasn't fit, isn't it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, first of all, it's weird, okay? They have to lift her into the club while saying there's no problem. There's already a problem.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is not accessible for you.

[Mike Gibbons]

Were they afraid she was going to get hit by a falling dart? It was Andy Cap throwing darts that night. They didn't want her drinking and driving the wheelchair. They were. It was for her own protection.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It would have been a whole scene in the. In the ladies room, I'm sure.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, that brings up a pretty good question. If the guy in Key west got arrested for drunkenly driving an E bike, can you be arrested for drunkenly driving an electric wheelchair? It's the same vehicle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I looked up the Florida law in that story and they treat. While you don't need a license or anything like that, they treat electric bikes and bicycles the same under DUI rules and maybe traffic rules.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I think they should treat wheelchairs also.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But by the way. Do you know how many people take a bike? Like I did. I rented. You know, I did the street bike thing going home from your birthday party.

[Mike Gibbons]

You did?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I took one to your house. And I was shocked. It was safe, still there where I parked it. When I came out, which was six hours later, and I was hammered. I almost took a day. I almost took a digger on that intersection by Gold's Gym. I made a. A big sweeping left because it was fun. And they don't lean as well as I thought they do.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I almost took a big digger.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, tell the story. Well, it's called a degro now, actually. Did you tell the story about getting pulled over while riding your bicycle to my house that time?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah. I was coming out and anyway, all of a sudden, cops light up and I. And I move over because clearly he's pulling over a car near me, and then he starts yelling, no, you. I'm like, me. So I pull over and he's like, you know, you didn't come to a complete stop at that stop sign. Which. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, same as in my car, coming to a complete stop is insane. Like, a total stop is insane. That's the only drag about Waymos. Waymos come to a complete stop. Anyway, the guy. I have a little bit. I'm trying not to have an attitude, but then he goes. He goes, yeah, so listen, I'm just going to.

[Mike Gibbons]

But you're leaving out the best part. You were wearing a bright green vest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well.

[Mike Gibbons]

While driving your bicycle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. But he goes. So I'm just going to give you. I don't know if he said, like, a warning for that going through the stop sign. And I go. And meanwhile, I'd kind of been given Matthew, so I was surprised. I'm like, oh, thanks. I didn't think I was getting out of here with just a warning. He's like, oh, you're not? And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, I noticed you don't have the rear or the front white reflector. And now he's. Now it's like. Like talking to a child about their bicycle. And I'm like, the white front reflector. And he's like, yeah. And he goes, so that's a repairable. So now he's making it sound good. And as you said, I am wearing. Because I just grabbed the windbreaker that I had, which is day glow. It's day glow. You like, it's unbelievable. But. And it's light. It's this daytime.

[Mike Gibbons]

And a helmet.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did have a helmet on. So he goes, it's a repairable. I forget the phrase it's a repairable offense. Which is good news, because all you have to do is show that you've remedied the situation and put a reflector on, and then you're not charged. Well, he knew what he was doing. I then had to get a reflector and take it to a police station. And only a few do these checks where you are proving to them you've changed something about your. Your vehicle. And I. You can't just walk in. Or if you walk in, it could be hours. I wanted to kill the guy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Meanwhile, 11 teenagers went by on those that, you know, those little motorcycles they ride now and they terrorize people on the street. No headlights, no reflectors, no helmets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I saw a video of, you know, the kids that they do this move where they go towards an oncoming car on their bicycle. Even the. The non. It's actually the non motorized one. It's a little BMX bikes. And they do a move, I'm sure there's a name for it, where they pull a wheelie and they're going right for the. The, you know, the light, the headlight in front of the driver, and they swerve and they. The idea is how far under the car, while the car is coming and moving towards them, can they get their back wheel as they pull out and miss the car? Right? So anyway, there was a video that came and the kid did it and misjudged and the car hit him. And every comment was finally, yay. Yay. Thank God. Every comment. Loved it. Every single one.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, what is that behavior, do you think? It's the fact that college costs a half a million dollars and you get out and there's no jobs and your parents don't have, like, kids just don't give a shit. There's no future. This is like the Clash in the. In the 1970s, you know?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. More like Sex Pistols with no future.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. We are moving down to this day in history, fella.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. It's time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not good. It's not good. I'm gonna tell you right now, I struggled. I struggled with it. But let's see. Let's see what we got. Naven Field, you've never heard of it, but you did when they changed its name to Tiger Stadium in Detroit. And Fenway park in Boston officially opened on this day and both hosted their first professional baseball games. Tiger stadium then closed in 99, leaving Fenway as the oldest baseball stadium in Major League Baseball. What year did these two stadiums open, give or take 15 years?

[Mike Gibbons]

1925.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You did it, Greg. 1912.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, not bad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You did the math because you didn't believe me, huh?

[Mike Gibbons]

I thought it was. Actually, I thought I remembered Fenway having its hundredth anniversary more recently than that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, yeah, let's keep this question and set up short. QE2. Queen Elizabeth, who died three, four years ago, almost. What year was she born, give or take five years.

[Mike Gibbons]

She died when? Last year.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was 20. 22. She died. Died. Famously.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think she was a hundred. So let's say she was born in 1925.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was born in 1926.

[Mike Gibbons]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, you did that. That was very good. That was very good deductive reasoning. Probably inductive. Don't write and correct me. Columbine High School happened. What? You know what I mean. That's all I have to say. I'm gonna leave out the word, but Columbine High School, something happened that we all know about. What year was that? Give or take three years.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right. I remember being. I was in a hotel room doing a college show that night. And I'm sitting in the motel. Motel. And because I'm just starting out, it was a fucking fleabag motel. And I'm crying on the bed. Cause there were no school shootings. This was the first one. It was so foreign that nowadays it happens, and it's like, Page Six. And so they call me up and I go, are we doing this show? And they're like, yeah, I think we should do this show. I think it'll be good for the kids. So I go down, and before I go on stage, only about 15 kids show up. And the campus administration woman goes on stage to introduce me. And she goes, before we get started, I think we should have a moment of silence for the students that were massacred. And the whole place breaks out crying. And then she introduces me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Perfect.

[Mike Gibbons]

So I was. If it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then there was a bombing in

[Mike Gibbons]

a club, I would say about 98 was at the point in my career. I was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was. You got it. It was 99.

[Mike Gibbons]

There we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

This is interesting.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is interesting. Yep. Mae West, I did not know this story about her. She was sentenced to several days in jail, convicted of corrupting the morals of youth with her portrayal of a prostitute in the Broadway play Sex, which she also wrote. And the incident made her famous across the United States. So Mae west was sentenced to jail on this day for her play in what year? Give or take 10 years. I don't really care about the date. I just thought that story was interesting.

[Mike Gibbons]

Why is there no biopic about her? She was a fucking badass. Yeah, it sounds like a 50s thing, so I'll just say 55.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good for you. 1927.

[Mike Gibbons]

No way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Waco. Waco. After a 51 day standoff with US federal agents, some 80 members of the Millennia millennialist Branch Davidian religious group died in a fire at their compound near Waco, Texas. What year was the Waco incident? Give or take five years.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I know it led to Timothy McVeigh, so. It was a long time ago. Waco was. I'm gonna say 94.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at you, kid. 93.

[Mike Gibbons]

There we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. We're gonna end. On the world's first acid trip. On this day, a few days after he accidentally discovered LSD's effects, Albert Hoffman intentionally ingested the drug at his laboratory in Switzerland. About 40 minutes later, feeling restless and unable to speak clearly, he called it a day and rode on his bike. Bad move. Bad move. Still, you could still be arrested on the bike. He rode on his bike home. What proved to be the world's first acid trip came to be celebrated beginning in the 1980s. It would start. That's when they started celebrating it as Bicycle Day. What year do you think this first acid trip took place? Give or take 10 years.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, so obviously it took off in the late 50s in this country. So let's say 47.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Man, you. This is your best this day in history ever. 43.

[Mike Gibbons]

No way. Yeah, I missed one by a lot. And I got the other four or five by really slim.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pretty close on all of them. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. All right. Good day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's go. There is no obituary. That's the good news, people. Let's go.

[Mike Gibbons]

Nobody died.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No one we care about. Oh, God.

[Mike Gibbons]

The comedy caption contest. We do weekend and week out, and except for the week's we forget to. I give you one frame of a comic, you then write punchlines. You send them into fitzdogradiomail.com we pick some of our faves, read them out, and then vote. The winner gets, in theory, a koozie sent directly to their house. Last week's caption was, a police officer has pulled over a car. In the driver's seat, there is a dog who is sticking his asshole at the cop who is writing a ticket. And the cop seems to be speaking. But either one of them might potentially be speaking here. Willie said, Officer McCluskey is starting to regret his department's new slogan to protect and de worm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I think it misses what's going on here. I mean, so we're just. Dogs are driving. I mean, that's the world. Come on, Willie.

[Mike Gibbons]

Anthony S. Says, breathalyzer. Really? I've only had two hot dogs. No, two in dog beers. I've only had two in dog beers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So it's like having two in dog years.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it's kind of, I think, really both of them are sort of ignoring some what I'll call more prominent features of the illustration.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, I think Epstein is a little closer to this. Unfortunately, this gentleman's name is Epstein Woodhouse. Unless that's made up. Cop says, too old. Cop says, too old for me. Got any puppies? Maybe that is Epstein.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not about the business of pulling over. And there's a dog. Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, no, because the dog is trying to get out of the ticket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Chili B. Says, okay. Do you have another form of identification?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So far, that's the one I like best.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. Willem said, sir, we need to wait a few minutes for my canine partner to confirm to come and confirm your identity. Kind of the same glitz joke. Tom Keel said, bitch, I said, licking my ass would get you out of this ticket. I'm sorry, I accented the wrong word. Licking my ass would get you out of this ticket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Woody says, my wife also presents when she gets caught. Only difference, I'll bang you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, he brought in another element. I mean, they're not getting along, that couple. Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

And then finally, Ron says, usually when we pull a car, when we pull over a car swerving this much, there's a tiger behind the wheel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like Ron's.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

At least he addressed there's a dog driving.

[Mike Gibbons]

I like that. He did.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think there's a winner, though. Sorry, Ron. I don't think there's a winner. We can't be this lazy, people. Which one did you like?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, Ron's. What I like about Ron's is that tiger is perfectly in the zeitgeist for this joke. It's still current. It's still funny. I love a current event joke that's not tired yet, so I'm going to go with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I would have explored the language that cops use in these situations when they pull over a driver.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Again, this is not. This is one that doesn't work. Like I said, keep both hands on the wheel. I would find some. Something in this situation. And then you take a left turn from there.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right. Okay. That's the kind of comedy Mike Gibbons likes. The head writer for the Roast of Kevin Hart, and he's weeding through. You're probably reading hundreds of jokes a day at this point as your job.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We are. We tend to read them as a room at the end of the day. It puts pressure on the writer. They have to read their own jokes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, I like that. I. You know what I like? I used to write monologue jokes for Bill Maher, and nobody's name was on the joke, so there was no sense of favoritism or anything like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Absolutely. That's how we do it in late night. I don't know if that's the case anywhere, so.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, next week's comedy caption. We've got a man and a woman, both dressed as clowns. And they are sitting on a couch. They are watching tv, and he is saying something to her. She's got a red. Do I need to describe their clowns she's got on?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they really live as clowns. They have a picture, and instead of it being their dog, it's their balloon dog. And there's balls on the floor. So they are a fully committed clown couple.

[Mike Gibbons]

Full time clown couple. Okay, let's get to the pros. Leroy is sitting at a table with Loretta Lockhorn. He's got his eyes closed. He's got his head on his hand. And then she goes, they say money can't buy happiness, but then how would we ever find out? Give me a shot at being let down by money. You know, they say that's true, that money doesn't buy happiness. But I think they say that there's a break even point of like a hundred grand a year that you make where they don't statistically show that you're any happier. But how do. How do you know that? How does a rich, happy person describe how happy they are?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Well, sadly, in this country, money buys you health.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And that's a big part of happiness.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Then we got. Hagar is. Helga is standing out front. She's got a pair of shoes in her hand, and she's talking to the daughter. She says, honey, the prince returned your lost slippers. Since when do you wear flats to a palace ball? And then she looks out the door as the prince is walking away, and she. And he's short. And she goes, since I got a crush on the prince, I think at mom, why do I wear flats to the ball? Because it helps me escape rape easier.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If we were somehow still on the algorithm. There it went in the home stretch. That's like tripping before the finishing line. Yeah, we didn't even trip into the tape. Here's the Onion. I like. I like this one a lot. It is Live Nation CEO sentenced to 10 years in online queue. I like it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, that was a big story this week as they're trying to go. They're being sued. Live Nation's being sued for gouging people. Basically. It's just the most grotesque monopoly known to man. And I should be careful saying this because I work for them. They own some of the clubs that I work at. They own the venues. They own the venues. They own the ticketing because they own Ticketmaster and they own all the radio stations that do all the promotions for all of the shows. And I believe they manage people. They did at one point also manage the acts. So they were commissioning the money they themselves were paying the acts that were being promoted by the radio stations that they owned and getting and dipping their fingers onto the money that people were paying for the tickets as well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's horrible.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's horrible. It's insane.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Government shouldn't let it happen. It's such a monopoly.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, let's get down to speaking of a monopoly. Dagwood's got a monopoly on this piece of ass. He's sitting on the couch, feet up, hands in the pockets, he's watching tv. She's got her back to him, thank God. He says, I wish that show I was binge watching wasn't over after investing so much time into it. You know, what am I supposed to invest all that time and energy into now?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, boy.

[Mike Gibbons]

She goes, there's always the yard, the garage, in the attic. And he goes, oh, look, it's a spin off. All right, what should I invest all that time and energy into now? How about you binge on that sweet blonde crack that's sitting down there getting dust on it? You are literally. You have a Ferrari parked in the garage, and you're inside binge watching Survivor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, look at her. Look. She goes, well, there's always the yard, the garage, and the attic. And she's talking about her vagina, her asshole and her mouth clearly.

[Mike Gibbons]

Get in there. You got to mow this grass, you got to prune this limb. What does that mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know, but he should just get in all three. He was just invited.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, well, listen, everybody, we're inviting you also to support this podcast in any way you can. One way is to go down there and go to hims.compapers and make sure you put in our code because it lets them know that you are visiting because of us. Also, go to trymiracle.com Papers for Miracle Made sheets. You'll get a big discount on that. And also I want to remind you guys to check out Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Pill.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, Good. Good for you. Yeah, I got to check it out. I remember. I remember it being just. What do I want to promote having not even seen it? I'm going to watch that Alabama documentary.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How about that?

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, good. Well, thank you guys for listening. We will catch you next week. Have a great 420.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Take it eash.

[Mike Gibbons]

Take it Eash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There you go.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's Sunday

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

papers time. It's Sunday paper time. Go get him, Greg and Mike.

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