Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 310 4/26/26

Summary

Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike – Episode 310 (4/26/26)

Podcast: Sunday Papers
Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons
Date: April 26, 2026
Production: Gotham Production Studios

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Overview

This episode of "Sunday Papers" features Greg and Mike’s signature blend of comedy and news as they riff on current events, pop culture, and personal stories with irreverence and sharp wit. Broadcasting from different locations, Greg (from Escondido, California) and Mike survey a wide array of news topics, from Michael Jackson’s legacy to prediction market scandals and AI influencers, all while sharing anecdotes from their lives and stand-up shows. They add their usual flavor: tangents, playful digs, edgy jokes, and reflections on everything from audience etiquette to existentialism.

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Main Discussion & Key Segments

1. Comedy Club Antics and Audience Dynamics

• Latino Audiences & Squirting Story
  [01:26–03:15]
  Greg describes a wild crowd moment at the Grand Comedy Club in Escondido, where a woman in the audience declared she "squirted on [her partner] five times"—prompting an extended riff about squirting, sexual openness, and humor dynamics.
  Notable Quote:

  • "Maybe you squirted twice. The other three you urinated on him." – Greg [02:15]

• Lesbian Crowd Participation & Wokeness
  [03:25–05:06]
  Greg and Mike discuss the challenges (and joys) of performing for lesbian couples, joking about their high divorce rates and high "wokeness" levels in comedy club audiences.

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2. Disneyland VIP Night, Meeting John Stamos, and Celebrity Tour Guides

• Greg’s Disneyland Experience
  [06:06–08:46]
  Greg tells how he and friends attended a VIP after-hours party at California Adventure hosted by The Woody Show, recounting a fun reconnection between his guest (who was a former VIP tour guide) and John Stamos, who remembered her fondly.

• Celebrity Quirks – John Stamos & Disney Obsession
  [08:27–08:54]
  Discussion of Stamos’ Disney memorabilia and humorous stories from their circles.

• Meeting Green Day’s Drummer & Musings on Punk Rock
  [08:56–10:27]
  Casual talk about Green Day vs. The Clash and pop-punk authenticity.

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3. Life Hacks: Whipped Cream as Coffee Creamer

• Whipped Cream as a Substitute
  [10:50–12:35]
  Mike shares a surprisingly effective household hack: using canned whipped cream as backup coffee creamer—cheaper, lasts longer, and sometimes made with real cream!
  Notable Quote:
  • "I may go exclusively whipped cream, Greg." – Mike [12:07]

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4. News Roundtable

a. Return of the Firing Squad in U.S. Executions

[12:53–14:27]
Mike and Greg react to a New York Times report about the Justice Department bringing back firing squads for executions. Greg provides grim details about the process and moral implications, joking about easier prison-based alternatives.

b. Michael Jackson Biopic & Suppression of 'Leaving Neverland'

[29:17–34:45]
Greg introduces the story about a new surge of molestation/sexual abuse allegations against Michael Jackson as a new biopic, "Michael," debuts. They explore director Dan Reed’s frustration over public apathy and report on HBO pulling "Leaving Neverland" due to an estate lawsuit.
Notable Quotes:

• "'People just love his music and turn a deaf ear. Short of having actual video evidence...I don't know what will be sufficient to change these people's minds.'" – Dan Reed, quoted by Greg [29:59]
• "It's like doing a biopic of John Wayne Gacy and just focusing on his career as a clown." – Greg [32:04]

Discussion evolves into arguments about legacy, artistic output vs. personal conduct (comparison to Bill Cosby), and how society treats entertainers with criminal histories.

c. Prediction Market Scandals: Betting on Maduro's Downfall and Weather

[36:42–43:53]
The hosts delve into the story of a special ops soldier arrested for insider betting ($400k gain) on Venezuelan President Maduro's capture, alongside French officials investigating a hair dryer used to skew airport temperature sensors for weather-based crypto bets.

Notable Quotes:

• "A soldier made money betting that other soldiers would get killed. That's like me…betting whether or not a comic bombs." – Greg [38:02]
• "I think technically…The SEC does not have any jurisdiction over…these prediction markets." – Mike [43:37]

d. AI-Generated Influencers & MAGA Grift

[44:45–46:06]
Mike and Greg discuss the rise/fallout of AI-generated social/influencer accounts—in this case, "Emily Hart," a pro-gun AI nurse who earns money from unwitting followers.

• Reflection: "It is literally now crossed over that with an election coming up, I can generate video that 99% of the people believe is true." – Greg [82:35]

e. Quick Hits: Disney’s Feral Cats & Audience/Pins Etiquette

[25:45–26:36]
Greg shares a Disneyland tidbit: they employ outdoor cats to handle rodents. Greg also vents about merchandise table etiquette following shows, calling for fans to keep "selfie/the VH1 talk" moving along.
Notable Quote:
"I go, if you know me from VH1, I love the 80s. I don't care." — Greg [17:26]

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5. Audiobook & Book Recommendations

[19:07–23:37]
Literary talk and audiobook endorsements: Mike praises "James," a retelling of "Huckleberry Finn" from Jim’s perspective, and "Stoner." Greg recommends "My Year Off" and Tom Stoppard’s biography, with additional notes about comedian Anthony Jeselnik’s book club picks.

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6. Ethical Dilemmas & Existential Tangents

[48:53–54:13]

• Trolley Problem at the Beach: Mike must choose to save his daughter or niece in a riptide.
• Road Rage Accident: Do you let your enemy take the blame for your hit-and-run?
• Reflection:
  "Whatever situation I'm in ... that is it. There isness. They call it isness." – Greg [46:53]

Existential/Philosophy Talk: Eckhart Tolle, time, presence, and happiness get a rare serious airing amidst the humor.

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7. Entertainment Segment

a. Ellen DeGeneres Returning as Dory ([56:31–57:44])

Greg and Mike joke about Ellen only being invited for a Pixar short, given past controversies, and about animators replicating her voice using AI.

b. Russell Brand’s 16-year-old Admission

[58:08–59:35]
Brand admits on air to sleeping with a 16-year-old at age 30; Mike and Greg lambaste his exploitative rationalizations and newfound piety.

c. Nikki Glaser’s Golden Globes Roast of Leonardo DiCaprio

[59:49–61:11]
Mike marvels at DiCaprio’s generous response (sending pasta) to Glaser’s roast about his dating life, and the broader trend of celebs responding to roasts.

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8. Make America Florida / Make America Kentucky

[63:51–67:53]

a. Florida Surgeon Removes Wrong Organ; Arrested While Driving Lyft

A darkly comic Florida story: a surgeon, suspended after accidentally removing a liver instead of a spleen (causing a patient's death), is later found driving Lyft. Mike jokes he had a five-star rating regardless. [64:41–65:57]

b. Kentucky Woman Killed by Garbage Truck Grappler

A shocking piece of "Kentucky news," with the hosts using the tragedy (an unhoused woman accidentally picked up and killed by a garbage truck claw) as a springboard for dystopian satire. [66:13–67:53]

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9. This Day in History & Comedy Caption Contest

[69:00–82:31]

• On-this-day trivia: Beethoven, Freud, Pacino, Lucille Ball, Seinfeld, and the opening of the London Zoo, complete with Greg guessing years.
• Comedy Caption Contest: Last week’s favorite: "Honey, I really think the Jets are going to go all the way this year." — Two clowns on a couch [77:03]
• Next week's prompt: Frankenstein (monster) on a therapist’s couch. [83:17]

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10. The Onion Headline & Closing Reflections

[81:14–83:17]

• "Nobody cares" – their Onion-esque summation of apathy about everything from news to entertainment scandals.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "We're off the algorithm. Congratulations. We are. Five minutes." – Greg on using 'dangerous' words early [05:28]
• "It's like doing a biopic of John Wayne Gacy and just focusing on his career as a clown." – Greg [32:04]
• "Everyone feels it. Everyone's talking about it." – Mike mocking the return of firing squads [14:14]
• "I may go exclusively whipped cream, Greg." – Mike [12:07]
• "There is sand moving at all times, but it's that sand. It's not the sand that's going to be later or the sand that's coming. It's what's flowing past you right now and accepting that in a way that keeps your inner peace." – Greg [48:15]

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• [01:15] Show open, Greg in Escondido story
• [02:15] Wild 'squirting' audience anecdote
• [03:25] Lesbians at comedy shows, "wokeness" riff
• [06:06] Disneyland VIP/celebrity tour guide story
• [08:56] Meeting Green Day's drummer; punk debate
• [10:50] Whipped cream as coffee creamer hack
• [12:53] Firing squads in U.S. executions return
• [29:27] Michael Jackson biopic/leaving Neverland
• [36:42] Prediction markets, betting scandals
• [44:45] AI-generated MAGA influencer exposé
• [46:53] Eckhart Tolle/time & presence tangent
• [49:00] Ethical dilemma: save daughter or niece?
• [56:31] Ellen returns as Dory
• [58:08] Russell Brand 16-year-old controversy
• [59:49] Nikki Glaser/DiCaprio roast
• [63:51] Florida surgeon removes wrong organ
• [66:13] Kentucky: woman killed by garbage truck
• [69:00] Comedy history trivia & caption contest

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Summary Tone & Language

The episode maintains its trademark mix of playful irreverence, edgy comedy, and newsy riffing. Greg and Mike’s banter, inside jokes, and audience jabs are ever-present, showing affection for the absurd and a near-total disregard for political correctness (with the wink of longtime showmen). Occasional deeper moments—on mindfulness, reading, or morality—slip through, but the overall vibe is fast-paced, punchline-heavy, and unfiltered.

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For New Listeners:
This episode is a classic slice of "Sunday Papers": comedic news rants, showbiz anecdotes, wild stories from the road, and a healthy dose of dark satire. The banter is best enjoyed with a thick skin, an appreciation for stand-up culture, and a laugh at life’s tragicomic twists. If you missed the episode, this recap will bring you up to speed—and maybe even inspire you to try whipped cream in your coffee.

Transcript

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[Announcer]

Read all about it. Read all about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sunday papers. All right, where's my energy? Come on, baby, let's do it. I'm in Esk and you're gonna carry me today.

[Mike Gibbons]

I got no way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, good, good. Let's do it, baby. Escondido. I'm down here. I'm at the Grand Comedy Club. I got. Have you been down here? Escondido area?

[Mike Gibbons]

Probably. Where is it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's sort of like on the way to San Diego and then you take a left into the hills. Yeah, but there's a. It's a. It's very Latino, which. They're my favorite crowds. Latino crowds are the best save.

[Mike Gibbons]

Good save right there. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And there's a woman in the front row last night, and she was pretty hot and she was Mexican. And then she. She was just one of those people that wanted to be a part of the show. And she goes, why don't you ask him what I did to him last night? And like, out of nowhere, I'm just like. She says it in front of, you know, 250 people. I go, what did she do to you last night? And he didn't answer. And she goes, I squirted on him five times. And I'm like, five? I go, maybe you squirted twice. The other three you urinated on him and he was like.

[Mike Gibbons]

Were they a new couple?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, they'd been together for 20 years.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow. Keeping it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Maybe squirting is a new thing for her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know that you suddenly squirt if you didn't before. I think you see a video about squirting and then you take a piss on your husband.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, I think you can. I think a big part of it is letting go because it feels like you're gonna pee.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How do you know what it feels like?

[Mike Gibbons]

I know these things.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If she squirted on me, I'd be like, all right, let me squirt on you.

[Mike Gibbons]

Now that's a quid pro quo. Yeah, Nice. Yeah. Good, good, good, good thing to do that on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my God. And then there was these. I love lesbians. There's some of my favorite people in the world. We worked for Ellen DeGeneres.

[Mike Gibbons]

I just got to keep score. You. So you love Lati so latino. Les latina lesbians must be top of your list.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God, yeah. Olivia Rodrigo for sure. So they are not my favorite people in. In comedy club audiences, however. Oh, yeah. And so there was two of them in the front row, three of them in the front row last night. I don't know what it is about lesbians, but they feel very empowered to talk to each other and to talk to you, and there's no rules about it. And I had to separate them. I separated the lesbians and they agreed to separate. And then they kept talking, but from further away.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, eventually they'll separate, like formally and legally if they ever get married. They're the highest divorce rate.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that right?

[Mike Gibbons]

Of course there's more. There's. A lesbian couple is generally twice as much talking as a heterosexual couple.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, for sure.

[Mike Gibbons]

You know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

By. By definition.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And. And I think there's something about like they kept moaning and commenting on every edgy joke that. That's the thing I don't love about lesbians is that they are very. The wokeness level is astronomical.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, my. Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Are you sure that your most. Your. Your least liked audience member are lesbians or is it just because you're like, shut up, you dyke and you make them a lesbian with your. With your hate speech?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You mean what I represent turns women?

[Mike Gibbons]

Someone tell those dykes in the back to shut the up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Alright, so we're off the algorithm. Congratulations. We are. Five minutes.

[Mike Gibbons]

What got us off that word?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, maybe we're talking about Holland. Dutch. Dutch painters.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, we're just talking about Things you put your fingers into?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. That's. Isn't that funny? No, that word. I mean, it is just. What are the odds that that is the. That you put your finger in the dike?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, you think it's derived from that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What came first? The finger in the dyke or the phrase for lesbians that's died?

[Mike Gibbons]

You do more talking here. I'm gonna. I'm gonna look up the derivation of the word.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, I'll talk about. Shout out to. To the Woody Show. It's a. It's a radio show in la, but they're syndicated all around the country. It's. He's fucking great. The whole crew is really great. And they invited me to this listener. They took over Disneyland on Monday night. It was literally the entire California Adventure park was like thousands of listeners that had won a contest on their radio show. So they invited me, and I took Nick and jcne, you know, Nick and Jayceen.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then. And. And Gail, and so we're driving down there, and Aaron, and we're driving down there, and I. And I find out that J Scene used to be a tour guide at Disneyland. Like, she grew up right near there. So from the time she was 17, and then by the time she was in college, she was giving the vip, like, celebrity tours. Oh, yeah, yeah. So she knows the park inside and out. And we're driving down, and I go, all right, what celebrities did you give tours to? She's like, oh, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon. Like, everybody. And I said, who was your favorite person in the five years you were there? And she goes, John Stamos, without a doubt. Just the greatest guy. So warm. He came back and, you know, asked for me and whatever. So we get to the park, and we're in the vip. We get access to the VIP club. So we walk into the VIP club, which is a bar. They got food and free drinks, and walk in, and I grab Jayceen and I go, look to your right. It's John Stamos. And I walked up to him, and I was like, john, I don't know if you remember, but she was your tour guide. She's like, yes, you. You took me. He remembered her. It was very cool. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

What about. Did you guys chat it up? He knows you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He came to one of my shows recently.

[Mike Gibbons]

You know, he's upset. Do you know he's obsessed with Disney?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Apparently he has a giant D from the original

[Mike Gibbons]

off the algorithm as a

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

D. A D. Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

You can see it from the Valley. He has it in his yard. He has some of the letters from one of the original Disney signs, I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So Jeff Ross, he told me that Jeff Ross saw it in his yard and he goes, was that your grade in acting class?

[Mike Gibbons]

I did not write that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, that was all him. Sweet guy, though. And then the drummer from Green Day, I got to meet that guy. Mike something.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't know his name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Legendary drummer, apparently. I didn't know.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, very cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you like Green Day?

[Mike Gibbons]

You know, I was the only Clash fan that allowed that. I did. I mean, I don't think there's any denying that they write hooks. You know, they write incredibly catchy hooks. Oh, our buddy. Oh, my God. Just because I'm tired, I'm forgetting his name. Writer. Hysterical big guy. Sitcom writer. He hates it doesn't even matter because people at home don't know who it is. He hates Green Day. And he was on my writing staff and we would. I would literally occasionally open my laptop. You know, like accidentally, people will open their laptop and whatever. Usually you're busted. You know, your porn was on there from the night before. I would pretend I was listening to Green Day the night before and I would let that play in the room. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was it Tall John?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mike Lawrence?

[Mike Gibbons]

No. Stop guessing. It doesn't matter. The people at home, because once we get to the name, they won't care.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I, you know, I respect Green Day. I get it. But I just. I think the fact that they were called punk rock always rubbed me the wrong way.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like that. That's punk now. Anyway, the guy's a great drummer.

[Mike Gibbons]

I get that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What else?

[Mike Gibbons]

It was Doyle, because he. That's. He's a guy who has all the OC punk. And they really resented this Northern California pop punk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's the guy that's buddies with Eric Lederman.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. All right, what's this about cream?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, my God. I got a hack. I got a life hack. I mean, if you have a well run household and family, this doesn't apply to you. But if you're like me and you're like, oh, my half and half is bad, or I forgot to get. I don't know. I find myself a lot of times making coffee and I have no creamer. Right, here's the hack. Of course, you can buy artificial creamer and all that. I guess powder. I then looked on my door, my fridge, and there was a can of whipped cream. And it was from a while ago, but I looked at the expiration. Somehow Months. It has not expired. And I'm like, well, let me put this on a plate and smell it. All good. It keeps forever because it's pressurized in a can. And then that's your creamer. That's your backup. You have that in your fridge for six months.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe it's it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Maybe it's delicious.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe it doesn't spoil because there's no dairy in it. And it's completely.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, this is the Whole Foods. Get this. It's made from real cream. And wildly. It has less. 2 tablespoons is 15 calories. It's less calories than 2 tablespoons. A half and half.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's amazing. I mean, the thing is about you, Mike, is you're funny.

[Mike Gibbons]

I may go exclusively whipped cream, Greg,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

and just the stuff. The information that you impart to our listeners. This is amazing.

[Mike Gibbons]

Everyone just go buy a can. You don't have to use it. Just. It's backup. It's backup. You will use it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

By the way, I buy buttermilk so I can make Irish soda bread. And it is true that shit. I. Because you only use half of it. And then I'll go in the fridge, two months later, it's still good. I'll make another Irish soda bread.

[Mike Gibbons]

Some people, when they're really. I mean, obviously, if you really don't want to drink your coffee black, they'll put butter in it. Kind of like bulletproof coffee. That's one of their.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right, yeah. That's a Joe Rogan thing.

[Mike Gibbons]

But of course, listen, sometimes you come home and just blast the whipped cream in your mouth.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's what you're gonna do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

When you put this story in. But I read it on the New York Times this morning. I'm just gonna briefly talk about. We talk about this next week. The Justice Department is now going to allow firing squads for executions. They're back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they were back. I actually read about this about a couple years ago. They had a volunteer firing squad. They, like, the guards, would volunteer to shoot the prisoners. And they, you know, and they only. They only put bullets in one or two of the guns so that you can have. You can have plausible deniability if. If you feel guilty about having killed somebody.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every. Some people get blanks, some people get real bullets. And apparently the one or two people with the bullets did not kill the guy. They did. They missed. And so. And I thought to myself, all right, you guys are making this a little too complicated. You're In a maximum security prison filled with killers. All you gotta do is start a rumor. The guy is a snitch. He'll be dead in the next 48 hours.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's one way to do it. You can't have ICE do it because they only kill innocent people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's true.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. So there you go. Well, firing squads. America's. America is slowly becoming great again. I mean, everyone feels it. Everyone's talking about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you still got those little flies. I just saw you slap another one.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. If anyone has a cure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, we did. We got an email from a guy.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who has a cure. He said there's these pellets that you buy. Just go to the gardening store and you buy these pellets. First of all, you're over watering.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think he's right. It creates a culture in the pot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. It creates a fungus. And you put these. If you go to the store, they'll give you these little pellets that you put into the soil, and it kills the fungus that the flies are eating.

[Mike Gibbons]

I love it. Thank you, person who sent that in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Also, should we talk about Mike? Let's. Let's save Michael Jackson for the front page. Yeah, he deserves it, doesn't he?

[Mike Gibbons]

The King of Pop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Logo this week comes from Bob. He got us flying into Carg island, which. Have we not taken over Carg island yet.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm ashamed to say I don't know what Carg island is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it's an island. It's part of Iran. And I guess it's got a lot near the straight.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes, got it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's got a lot of military presence on it or something.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's all right. It's the only straight island I want to go to.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speaking of military presence, this marine gave me one of those coins last night.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was literally a military presence. They do this thing where they put this big metal coin in their hand, and then they give you a handshake, and it's like. It's. It's. It's like an honor to get one from a guy in the military. This guy was in the Marines.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow. Did you put one of your gay pins in your hand and give him a handshake? Which is far from an honor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly what I did. I gave one of my pins.

[Mike Gibbons]

Great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've been telling the audience about pin etiquette because there's been a lot of people. You know, I set up all my pins on a table after the show, and then people come by and I sell them to them. But there's always one guy that'll walk up, him and his wife, and they stand in front of the table and they start a long conversation with me. And for that five or 10 minutes, 90% of the crowd has now walked past the table because they couldn't even see me. And so I've began. I've begun to instruct the audience about keeping it moving. I go. I go, if you know me from VH1, I love the 80s. I don't care. I really don't want to have that. I know. I was on VH1. I love the 80s. If you want to take a selfie, don't. Just don't. I go, why? Why you taking it? So you're going to come up, the guy is going to put his arm around me, and it's always some guy who's got, like, a wet, sweaty pit that's now on my shoulder, soaking into my shirt. And he gives his wife his phone, and she doesn't have the passcode. And then she ends up like. And then it's backwards. So she's taking a selfie. And meanwhile, people are just streaming by. What? So you can have a picture and in eight years, you're going to be going through your camera roll and be like, who the fuck is this? Who's this guy? He looks angry.

[Mike Gibbons]

Meanwhile, this time, you're like, you squirted five times. You're totally engaged with the couple.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The song this week comes from King Cuckoo, which he admittedly part of the song. Most of the song he did himself, but he used some AI elements.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's fine. I don't know why you're creating rules.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look, forget the rules. Send us some songs. We're running low. Need songs asap. Send them into fitzdogradiomail.com. we've been doing this show for six years. Every single week, we've had an original new song, and I don't know if that's helping us or hurting us. And captions need some captions. We love it when they're current to the news, which is why we love Bob. He always does something that's happening this week. Couple corrections. Kim says that it's Michelangelo, not da Vinci, that painted the Sistine Channel.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, I just blindly agreed with you. Absolutely.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Also, thank you for the Audible Rex on Sunday papers. I've purchased at least five audiobooks based on the Sunday papers. Why aren't they a sponsor?

[Mike Gibbons]

What?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They should sponsor us.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, dude, I'm crushing it on Audible. I mean, I don't want to give them a free. While we have no competing. I just started listening to. Well, I just finished James. Did you do James? Did not my dumb joke. It's not really a joke, but, you know, it's. It's from Slave Jim. That's what I'll call him. It's his perspective. It's a book written from. With Huckleberry Finn. It's Slave Jim. So it's called James. And the thing. It's a tough listen. Let me. Let me a little. The N word is all over that. And it's very different when you're reading it versus listening to it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is the. Is the narrator white or black?

[Mike Gibbons]

This is the wrong thing to say, but I'm gonna say he sounds black. So when I pull in my garage and I. And I. And I park there and it's still playing, right? It's an indoor garage. It's. It's. I live in a building, so it's a very Concrete. Echoes everywhere. So I open my door and that audio can be heard on the. I mean, 40 cars away. And I am not quick enough to realize because I'm like, I didn't finish that coffee. Let me throw that. I'm like cleaning up as I'm getting out of my car. Yeah, that audio is still playing. I will say I was very offended the word honky was in that book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes. They did not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No warning.

[Mike Gibbons]

No warning, huh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What year was that written? Maybe 1920.

[Mike Gibbons]

Huckleberry Finn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, it was, I think earlier than that. I think late 1800s, I believe. But James is from like two years. Two years ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. My wife's book group did it and they first read Huckleberry Finn so they would have some more context for it. And then they read James and they all loved it. They didn't love it. People liked it very much.

[Mike Gibbons]

Aaron and I, I think, had the same issues with 1885. It was published.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

But Aaron and I, I think, had the same issues. Well, right now I'm listening to Stoner, which is very highly reviewed and. And kind of short. I have a commute now, you know, what's his name? Has a book club. Comedian. God. Wow. I have no brain today. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jeselnik.

[Mike Gibbons]

Jeselnik. He is an avid reader.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. He recommended this book that I read a few months ago that I thought was excellent. It was called My Year off and it's about this woman who. It's kind of funny because it's a protagonist that there's no way you're going to get behind. She's Tall, beautiful, comes from a rich family, and she's very entitled and she's working at an art gallery and she's just drinking a lot and she decides to take it. And she saved up enough money that she takes an entire year and just stays in her apartment and takes pills and lives in a semi stupor the entire time. That's the plot of the book.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it's so well written that you actually get into it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, yeah, I'm looking for that. Atonement was one that blew me away with how well written it was. The God of small things. I just read it is way kind of depressing, but so well written.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. Look at us.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at us reading. I'm listening to Tom Stoppard's biography right now. Do you know who Tom Stoppard is?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, of course. Great playwright.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Playwright, yeah. And it is my third time listening to it. And I know approximately four facts about Tom Stoppard. I literally take a sleeping pill and then about 20 minutes later, I put on the audiobook. It has a timer on it for 45 minutes. I'm asleep after 15, and then I just go wherever it left off the night before. So there's no. And when you're on a sleeping pill, you don't remember any. Anything.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right, right, right. Yeah. Well, that's why I did not know Carg island, because I'm commuting to work, I'm listening to audiobooks, and then just writing a lot of short jokes about Kevin Hart.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you want to share any?

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no. You got to see it live. You got to see it live. Netflix, May 10th, Sunday, Mother's Day. What better way to celebrate Mother's Day than the most profane show you're going to see.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

In a long time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Have we. Can we announce any more roasters? So far we only had.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't think I can believe it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, because they haven't gone public, and then I get in trouble and stuff like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we know Shane Gillis is hosting. We know Jeff Ross is on it because he's on it every year and he's a producer. True. The big question is, are the big names. Is Nikki Glazer going to be there? Is Whitney Cummings gonna be there?

[Mike Gibbons]

These are the big names. I thought you're gonna say like the Rock and Eddie Murphy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

And like his. His high end friend group. But we don't know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Well, to be continued.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The other. The other correction was away. Tommy in Tokyo said when Mike was reading Hagsmurf's sermon instead of Heg Seth's Heg Smurf. He misinterpreted Csar as meaning Caesar. Csar is combat. Search and rescue. Take a niche.

[Mike Gibbons]

Good point. Okay. I didn't know what it was. Yeah, it was. It was tucked in there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But he is. I mean, everybody's a czar these days. They're always coming up with another czar. You know, there was the. There was the Rat Czar in New York. Do you remember that one?

[Mike Gibbons]

No. Oh, he was gonna get rid of all the rats.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which would be kind of a cool. If you really got creative with that and you maybe you allowed people to bring pellet guns onto the subway, and while they're waiting for the train, they could shoot the rats with their pellet guns.

[Mike Gibbons]

Mm. I like that. More.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

More free range cats. Do you know that? Oh, here's one of the things I learned at Disneyland from J Scene is that there are cats at Disneyland that are outdoor cats because they kill all the rice and rice mice and rats.

[Mike Gibbons]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, not Mickey and Minnie. Thanks the Lord. What? Huh? I'm so. I mean, they're not around, and it doesn't smell like urine. There can't be that many of them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, there's popcorn and candy corn. There's all kinds of food being spilled on the ground.

[Mike Gibbons]

Hmm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you're not buying it. I feel like you're not buying it.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, I'm sitting on an Asian joke, and I'm just gonna keep sitting on it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mm.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's a very. Disney's very popular with the Asian community. Just even that part of the country.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Is disproportionately Asian, and we'll just leave it there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tour dates coming up. I'll be at The Brea Improv, May 8th, Boston. Big weekend. Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th. One of my favorite clubs in the country. Then I'll be in Rochester, New Hampshire, at the Opera House, June 5th. Agunkwit, Maine, at Jonathan's, June 6th. Then I'll be in St. Pete's Cincinnati, Columbus, La Jolla, Batavia, Illinois. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out and say hi. Also, want to give a shout out to Gotham Productions. They produce the podcast. They do an amazing job. We thank them. And then let's also talk about what we love, which is miracle sheets.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, man, the hot. It regulates your temperature, man. You don't have to be flipping the pillow or kicking off the blanket anymore. You stay comfortable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or flipping the wife and kicking out the wife.

[Mike Gibbons]

You could bring that into the ad if you want, but you just stay comfortable all night. Regular sheets hold a ton of bacteria, like more than you want anywhere near your face. These are designed to Prevent up to 99.7% of bacterial growth, so they stay cleaner way longer. I love them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I made love in them. I made love in them the other night and it was. We both had. We felt like the best sexual experience of our lives, so.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, because they feel like these high end hotel sheets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Yes, they do. And it's also great because I run cold at night and the sheets keep me warm. My wife runs hot. They keep her cool. It's NASA designed. It's based on research from NASA. Not NASA, the Bahamas. Because you don't even use sheets there. It's so hot. NASA, like the space program. Anyway, upgrade your sleep with miracle made. Go to sleep. Try miracle.com papers and use the code papers to claim your free three piece towel set and save over 40%.

[Mike Gibbons]

Look at that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sounds good. You got something to crinkle?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, boy. Yes. We're gonna go back to the map.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Amsterdam.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here we go. All right, all right. Take it away. You love this story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

New molestation and sexual abuse claims against Michael Jackson revealed as King of Pop biopic debuts. Dan Reid doesn't want people to forget about the allegations against MJ on the heels of the new biopic Michael, which is getting huge box office, by the way, the documentary filmmaker behind Leaving Neverland weighs in on the singer's enduring popularity despite Wade Robson and James Safechuck accusing the Thriller musician of sexually abusing them as children. In his documentary quote, it says that people don't care that he was a child molester. Literally. People just don't care. I think a lot of people just love his music and turn a deaf ear. Short of having actual video evidence of Michael Jackson engaged in sexual intercourse with a seven year old, I don't know what will be sufficient to change these people's minds.

[Mike Gibbons]

Mm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Antoine Fuqua, the director of Michael, recently responded to the accusations against Michael. He said sometimes people do some nasty things for some money.

[Mike Gibbons]

What is, what is he talking about?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I guess he's shaming. He's victim shaming. He's saying that.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's saying the accusers are doing things for money.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know if the nasty things mean suing Michael for the money or that they did the nasty things so that they could get the money.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, I don't think it's the latter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

By the way, I'll Add to this story, I heard some news that you cannot now see the documentary that those two. You remember those two guys? The very Leaving Neverland, I think it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. This is the director of. This is the guy, Dan Reed. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

You cannot find that documentary now because a deal was struck where it was an HBO documentary. HBO and Warner has agreed to kill it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Unbelievable. So it was streaming on HBO and HBO took it down because of the merger. That's so gross.

[Mike Gibbons]

Leaving Neverland. I'm gonna look it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh my God. That's ridiculous.

[Mike Gibbons]

Not find it online either. It's not like it's in Amazon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So report.

[Mike Gibbons]

Anyway, the news report I heard is like, you have to go like crazy deep on the web to somehow find a cop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And this, this biopic of Michael literally just does not acknowledge any child molestation in it or any charges. And my friend Frank, Frank Conif had a joke. It's like doing a biopic of John Wayne Gacy and just focusing on his career as a clown.

[Mike Gibbons]

Settlement with the estate. Following a long legal battle, the Michael Jackson estate successfully sued hbo alleging that the documentary violated a non disparagement clause from a 1992 contract regarding a concert film. In October 2024, the HBO and the estate settled part of the agreement. HBO agreed to remove Leaving Neverland Neverland from its platform. The film is expected to remain unavailable on official platforms until the rights revert to the director, dan Reed in 2029.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dam.

[Mike Gibbons]

He'll be killed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah, there's gonna be a sequel

[Mike Gibbons]

to this movie that's out now. They're saying, like, it's not complete. It stops at a certain point. Maybe he's only three kids in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, we always do. The ethical question. I mean, should kids listen to his music?

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I'm more about the hypocrisy of, like, what would these people feel about, like, Cosby? Like Cosby's sitcom, I would say, is most considered in the top 10 sitcoms of all time. Yeah, it, it certainly, I don't know, consider that for, you know, when it was out and, and, and, and it was killing it in reruns and repeats and all that stuff. Syndication. So, like, would you have a problem watching Cosby's sitcom?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I just think it would be immoral. I mean, I think it's one of the worst sitcoms of all time. And I think it would be immoral to bring a girl over to your apartment and put that show on to try to get her to fall asleep.

[Mike Gibbons]

Good point. You know, most agree that what Michael Jackson did is worse. I mean, that's another philosophical question. I guess they're both heinous acts, But I think 99% of the planet would agree Jackson was worse.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, what about Michael Jackson impersonators? Should there be Michael Jackson impersonators? Because they're all trying to be as realistic as possible. Who knows what they're doing when they're not on the promenade or the boardwalk dancing? Are they still in character when they, you know, go home near the elementary

[Mike Gibbons]

school in their neighborhood and they won't engage in this? And I guess the philosophical question is if Michael Jackson, like Cosby, what was Cosby found guilty?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He was not in jail, and then he appealed and got out.

[Mike Gibbons]

So maybe it is the same.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What happened was people testified, the prosecutor completely fucked up. And at some point when Cosby testified, it was cloaked in some kind of an agreement that they could not. Anything he said then could not be used as evidence in later trials. And then that first trial got dismissed. So everything he had ever been accused of or admitted to was dismissed.

[Mike Gibbons]

Both have paid money to the victims.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

So they are pretty similar. But I just can't wait for the documentary about that great financier Jeffrey Epstein, and, oh, yes, his storybook rob from like a math teacher who wasn't even that good to great success on Wall street on a trading desk. And then, I mean, then the leap after that to like global financier is incredible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he was amazing as doing costume design backstage at beauty pageants. He was really hands on of just being there, just being there for the women if they needed anything. Sorry, you're. You're so out of it today.

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm a little. But also I've been hit. That's why I was late to this with work. And work is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no way. Really?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, it's probably. No worries. No worries. Can't tell. I can't tell you. I cannot tell you who I was just texted about. All right, what are we doing? What's next?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, let's get to.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, Maduro.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maduro. Why don't you read the first part?

[Mike Gibbons]

I'll read the second part.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Federal authorities arrested a special operations soldier who was involved in the capture of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro for allegedly pocketing more than $400,000 by betting on his removal from office. The Justice Department announced Thursday.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, I'm going to read the second story, which is related.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. So the federal investigators said Gannon, Ken Van Dyke. Dyke bet more than $33,000 on the prediction market Poly market days Before Trump announced Maduro's capture, the bets which netted more than $400,000, prompted scrutiny and ended in a months long investigation about whether inside information was used to place the bets. Van Dyke was indicted on charges that included unlawful use of confidential information to gain personal gain, theft of non public government information and wire fraud. So let me get this straight. A soldier made money betting that other soldiers would get killed. That's like me sitting in the back of the Comedy Store and betting whether or not a comic bombs.

[Mike Gibbons]

I would need inside information because I have lost every bet I've made just generally in my head on what this administration will do and what they won't do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have made. I scored two bets on cow sheet. I bet that Pam Bondi was going to get fired and I bet that who is the other woman that just got fired. No I got, I won money on both of those and right now I have money if you want to jump in by June 1st. There's a bet of whether or not. Who's Patel? Cash Patel. I got, I got 50 bucks on Patel getting fired now do you check

[Mike Gibbons]

in on, on, on cashing out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I started my account with 100 bucks and now I have 275.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, I mean your cash bet probably pays pretty well right now. Like you're holding a winning ticket that you can cash out before it happens.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh you for the same odds as if it does happen.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's how a lot of people make money on this. Yeah, he'll bet he'll wait till a sizable lead is in a NBA game and then he will bet. I think the team losing and then if they start to catch up he cashes out. Not for that much but he cashes out and it's a win.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah I've just placed a lot of share. I mean I think you're completely wrong. I think this government is very predictable. You know betting on whether or not oil prices are gonna go up is so goddamn easy like cause you kind of. You usually know when he's gonna announce another ceasefire or when he's gonna attack.

[Mike Gibbons]

Who would have bet on there's gonna be the draft is gonna come back. Firing squads are gonna come back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's true, that's true.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean come this I'm gonna. He's gonna destroy a wing of the White House.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why wasn't Cal she was a sponsor for a minute. We gotta get them back and we'll

[Mike Gibbons]

start goods he sells I mean.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah well you know those. Do you remember the Trump phones about a year ago he took in $50 million in down payments on Trump cell phones that were gonna be made in the usa. It's now a year later and not one person has gotten a phone and they've already taken off the website that's made in the USA because they realize it's impossible to make them for a reasonable amount in the United States of America. And they have. They don't even have a prototype right now.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, there's that famous clip of Letterman when he reached over and I guess someone gave him the information and Trump was selling ties and it might even been like an American flag tie or like some whatever. And Letterman reached over and found the made in China tag. Yeah, you don't even remove. That is so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. Related story. Police are investigate investigating claims that a hair dryer was used to manipulate the weather Sensor in a $34,000 bet. French officials are investigating. The 34,000 was one on a weather bet following claims that the temperature sensor Charles de Gaulle Airport was tampered with. Readings at the airport spiked twice in April at the same time as bets with the large bets with large winnings were placed on Polymarket. Several crypto outlets and other spec and other publications speculated that. I can't even read man. Speculated that a hairdryer could have been used to create a false temperature reading. Weather forums suggested the device could have been battery powered. According to Lamond, peak temperatures were recorded that were significantly higher than expected and there was like a 1% chance of this happening. So it was a huge payoff. One of the traders won 21,000 on April 15 and 34,000 total. And now this morning, I don't know if it's real. I saw footage because they had a camera on this temperature gauge at the airport and you see a guy come up and take something out which looks like a hairdryer and aims it just temporarily at the weather sensor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How do you know when to do it? Like, when do they actually take the temperature? Because it wouldn't stay hot for very long.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, no, no. It's constantly monitored and then it tells you what high it hit that day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. So as long as it hits a high at a certain moment.

[Mike Gibbons]

Got it. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike Gibbons]

Now, I've thought about, you know, the roast is coming up and there's going to be a lot of bets on these prediction websites. And I've found out it's not illegal. Insider information. But how about this? This is what I should do. I should just charge $10 from our listeners per listener to give you inside information and then I'm not even.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you shouldn't be saying the air.

[Mike Gibbons]

How about that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If that happens, you could you. I believe you can get in trouble for that.

[Mike Gibbons]

I think technically, you know, it's. The SEC does not have any jurisdiction over, over these prediction markets. And I don't know, maybe, maybe they could get me on wire fraud, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so what's.

[Mike Gibbons]

My point is this. The jury is still out on this. It's unregulated.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Will Jeff Ross come out dressed as Kevin Hart in blackface?

[Mike Gibbons]

By the way, I don't even know if there are bets already, but I know I worked on the Golden Globes and there was a ton of Kalshee bets.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Like, is she gonna mention the word Epstein? Is she gonna. I forget what they were. There were tons of them and never mind who's gonna win. But on those shows, that would be a different law being violated because that would mean the accountants have. Have leaked it, because the accountants keep all the ballots and all that. That's why we have to meet the stupid idiots.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

During the award shows, Emily Hart presented herself on platforms like Fan View, Instagram and Facebook as a pro gun anti woke Trump voting nurse who liked to post images of herself wearing MAGA caps and US flag bikinis. She's pretty hot. She amassed thousands of followers, made several thousand dollars a month through. Through subscriptions.

[Mike Gibbons]

Dude, I sent her a bunch of lingerie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Except Emily didn't exist. The images and captions were generated by AI by a 22 year old male medical student from India called Sam, who claims to have made enough money to fund his studies. Emily Hart now presents a problem for non AI influencers. All right, fine. How is she any different from a Kardashian or a Sabrina Carpenter or any other Hollywood generated basically AI human being.

[Mike Gibbons]

What I've learned is like most things that I get worked up about and spin my wheels on and actively hate, it is completely imagined.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's not a real thing. It's usually an outcome that hasn't happened yet. Or a hot MAGA influencer.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

It just doesn't exist.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You sound like Eckhart Tolle right now. The power of now. Yeah, well, getting very into that lately. My, my Instagram feed realizes that I need to be more in the moment. And it just keeps showing me these great, like Buddhist monks and Eckhart Tolle and I really do have moments and I do it on the golf course when I. When I start spinning out about how fucking bad I am at golf, I just stop and I ground Myself in the ground. And I realize that whatever situation I'm in, whether I'm three over after two holes or whatever that is, that is it. There isness. They call it isness. There's no other reality I could be in right now except for the one I'm in. And you just radically accept it, and all of a sudden it calms you down.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, don't let the algorithm know you. You want to explore physicists and philosophical physics. Because I'm seeing ones where they're like, say you have an hourglass, right? Everything on the top is the future. Everything on the bottom is the past. So, like, Eckhart Tolle will be like, those don't exist. The past doesn't. Like, it's not a. It's just a memory. You know what I mean? And the future, of course, isn't here yet. And then the physicists then argue, so there's only the absolute Miller microsecond that you're in now, but they then have a successful argument that that's nothing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. Well, because that.

[Mike Gibbons]

That also is literally nothing. So there's nothing surrounded by nothingness.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And if you. And not only that, what there is in that little middle part that the sand grains are coming through, it's in motion. And I think some people have this thought that, you know, this Eastern idea of being present, it means everything is static and you're just sitting on a couch and nothing's happening. And it's like, no, you. You need to meditate through stress, through traffic, through arguments. Like, there is sand moving at all times, but it's that sand. It's not the sand that's going to be later or the sand that's coming. It's what's flowing past you right now and accepting that in a way that keeps your inner peace.

[Mike Gibbons]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. Jesus Christ. What podcast is this?

[Mike Gibbons]

It's great. We should have that fat black guy on. What's his name?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kevin Hart.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's not fat. And he'll tell you about it all day long. He'll show you videos non stop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus. All right, so this brings us very naturally into the ethical question. Do you want to get a crinkle so far?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the map.

[Mike Gibbons]

I need a nap.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, all right, it's my turn. You are at the beach. Mike Gibbons. You're with your daughter Sophie, and you're with your niece, Carolyn Caroline, or Carolyn Caroline Caroline. You're at the beach. It's a little rough out there. Sophie obviously was on the surf team with my daughter. She's a really good swimmer. Caroline not as good. She lives more inland. And they both get out there and they're getting caught up in the waves and they're both about the same distance, but they're really struggling. Sophie's doing better. You can only save one of them. You can, you can make two trips out there, but it means that one of them is going to be out there treading water longer. Who do you save first?

[Mike Gibbons]

Have I bet on Kalshee, which who will be that night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Your other niece is Kalshee. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

I don't know if I'm lying but. Well, first of all they're going to be saving me at this point, I think, but I don't think I'm lying to myself. I would be. Oh, I don't know. I was just gonna say I'd be getting the person I could get to but I might then think they're get. Tell them I'm gonna get them on the way back in and go out for the person further out which like

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I already said, they're the same distance. Same distance out.

[Mike Gibbons]

They're the same distance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Same distance.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, Caroline, if you told me Sophie's doing better. Okay, I think. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did. I was at the Malloy's house one day and you know how that. You know that big tree between the Malloy and the Dunsky's house?

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, of course.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they've got this limb that comes off of it and their son Theo and my son Owen. Owen at the time was probably five and Theo was probably eight and. And they were both in the tree and I was standing under the tree and they both decided to jump to me at the same time. And I caught Owen and Theo landed on the ground and scraped his arm and was crying hysterically and was so deeply hurt at my Sophie's choice that I got my own son instead of him. And so he was a Spider man fan. So I bought him a Spider man suitcase that you pull suitcase. And he used to play with it. He loved it. I made it right.

[Mike Gibbons]

I like how you sugarcoated this memory. What you really did was you're like, oh, and land on Theo. Land on Theo to break your fall. I don't want to hurt my arms.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Alright. Second one, you are engaged in a road rage incident with another guy and you turn down an alley. He follows you down the alley. Your cars are side by side racing. He's screaming at you, he's not even paying attention. And then up ahead there's a homeless guy in the alley. You hit the Homeless guy. And then you both stop. He thinks he hit this homeless guy. Guy's dead. Do you allow him to take the blame for hitting the homeless guy?

[Mike Gibbons]

I'm very worried about what you've experienced coming from.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know, it just came out of thin air.

[Mike Gibbons]

No. I think I'd be tortured for the rest of my life. I think so. I would try to. I would try to get that guy in trouble for something, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Maybe he was chasing me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, I think he'd be an accomplice for sure.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, that would. That would make me feel better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Okay. Well, I think you have. You've come out on the right side of the two ethical questions today. You took the high road on both.

[Mike Gibbons]

I had the other day. I was late to work and it's a miserable commute up, driving through Larchmont Villa, you know, that whole area and Koreatown. Anyway, it's long. It's one red light and stop sign after the next. And some of the streets are really narrow and someone was coming towards me. I already told you what neighborhood I was driving in. I did not respect their driving at all. It's one of those people who think. They think they're really close to the parked cars to their right, and they are not at all, and they're out in the center. So I was going by and I'm like, would I. If my side view mirror scraped one of the parked cars on my right, would I stop and leave a note? And. And it was a tough question. I'm ashamed to say it didn't happen, by the way, but I just thought,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

would I. Yeah, that's a big one. That comes up in LA a lot. There's a lot of.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, you have to. Yeah, I couldn't believe how that wasn't. It wasn't black and white for me, though, in that moment, like, I'm late to work. It's a pain in the ass. Obviously the damage is cosmetic, you know, blah, blah, blah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Well, that's why you should have a. I mean, I like that there's so many cameras on the street and so many people that drive have cameras in their car. Cars now. Because you can catch people who do that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right. Well, we had a friend. We won't say who it was, but there is a street that we know where it is. One of these famous squeezes and cars parked towards the end get hit a lot. And he would purposely park his. There a little bit out from the curb.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, he had a junker.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, he had A junker. And it would work.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're talking about Tom o'. Neill.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, Jesus.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What are you doing? I gave him that car. It was an old Volvo DL, and it was. And the bumper was, like, taped on, but every time somebody would hit it, he'd be like, you owe me 150 bucks.

[Mike Gibbons]

They'd leave a note, and then he'd just say, I'll take cash. He's had two of my cars or my family's cars. Yeah, well, now he drives them into the ground.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, now that he's got some money, let's see if he buys a new car and moves to Venice. That's where he belongs.

[Mike Gibbons]

I've told the story before, but it was very. So when he. The car before. I gave him my old car anyway, you could. In the backseat, you could see the street down by your. Your feet. You could see the street flying underneath the car. And I had two daughters, and they were the perfect ages where Olivia, the younger one, loved it. Wanted to bring kids from school, friends into the backseat to see it because it was. It was so cool. And Sophie requested he pick her up three blocks from school so no one would see her get in the car.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Speaking of, we left that out. Tom was my manny, and he lost them once. Only time he's been called a man. All right, what are we doing? Entertainment.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Entertainment.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres returning to voice Dory in a new short out of Pixar's Finding Nemo Universe. How about that, Greg?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it's a short. They're not. They're not ready to give her a feature length film. They're giving her a sh. Meanwhile, Finding Nemo and the other, the follow up, which was like something Dory. Yeah, Dory. The Dory one made over a billion dollars. I think it set the record for the highest grossing animated film of all time. Wow. Now they're giving her a short like she's an NYU student trying to break into the business.

[Mike Gibbons]

Maybe they'll all of this voiceover just be like, hey, we're gonna send you a check. We're. We don't need Ellen. In fact, that's the dream. We don't need her to come in and do the voice sessions. We have her voice, and we can get it to say anything now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, right.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, I'm not saying that's happening, but that's. That's. That's what I would prefer if I was directing or producing this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If I was producing it, I would write into the script that Dory takes A shit in the fish tank and then blames the two executive producers of the film.

[Mike Gibbons]

And then they start firing and massaging everyone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Maybe they have to update the Dory story so it doesn't have a happy ending to sort of parallel Ellen's life because, you know, when she did that, she was barely on the upswing again after her failed sitcom and stuff.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

So who knows?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who knows? Welcome back, Ellen. Let me know if you need some punch up. On it. Russell Brandt has admitted that he slept with a 16 year old when he was 30. He said the age of consent in the UK is 16. But he acknowledged that this was exploitative. And then he said to Megyn Kelly, who was interviewing him, thank you for giving me the grace to address in particular your anger.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's the worst.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which is entirely legitimate and recognizable. He goes. And the plain fact is that In Europe, a 16 year old, that's the age of consent. I was very different person at 30. I was younger, but I was an immature 30, 30 year old.

[Mike Gibbons]

So I'm so. It's so blurry. I've lost track of who's the victim here. Yes, I guess it's him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he was, he was. It was okay because he was immature. All right, so I'm 60, I'm immature. Can I have sex with a 16 year old as long as I'm immature? Did. Did he hold his breath until she slept with him and then throw a tantrum? By the way, this is not funny.

[Mike Gibbons]

He brings his Bible into court, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, is he a Bible guy?

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, yeah. He's become a very big Bible guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I love it.

[Mike Gibbons]

He's pathetic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, he's not funny, that's for sure.

[Mike Gibbons]

I worked with him once. He was very, very nice. But that was a long time ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Do you want to read this Nikki Glazer thing?

[Mike Gibbons]

Nikki, you know, I did not know this. You put this story in here. Nikki Glaser revealed on the Tonight show that Leonardo DiCaprio sent her baskets of pasta after the Golden Globes. She had roasted him for dating women. And it quotes the joke. What a career he has had. Countless iconic performances. You worked with every great director. You've won Golden Globes, an Oscar. The most impressive thing is you were able to accomplish all that before your girlfriend turned 30. So you didn't put in the joke that reference because then she tagged that with the pasta joke because it's like, we don't. We. Sorry, we have to do that. You date young women, Leo. But we Know nothing else about you. And we. All we could find was a teen beat magazine where his three favorite foods were Pasta, pasta, pasta.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, got it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think he gave her pasta. And he also bought some for his girlfriend so she could glue it to some contrast construction paper for art class.

[Mike Gibbons]

I did not know this, that she got that. I wonder if Sean Penn sent her some leather handbags because that was the punchline she used to describe his face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, yeah, I should look up the other joke she used. Yeah, Well, I hope she then sending her a vibrator.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I hope she does the roast because she really is very, very good at it.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I mean, no one works harder. It's incredible. I, you know, so she's done the round of publicity. She's everywhere right now because her hour just dropped. Oh, her new hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She does not let up. I wish I had one tenth of the drive that Nikki Glaser has. I'm so fucking lazy.

[Mike Gibbons]

When you see her tour schedule, which is in its second year, rarely goes more than a day off, I think, or two or. No, no, no. Maybe. No, no, maybe. There's some weekdays off, but every weekend. And it's, you know, she did Christmas night, I think, getting ready for the Globes. Definitely New Year's Eve. Anyway, it's, it's, it's everywhere. It's including Europe on this leg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How much do you think she makes at one of her theater shows?

[Mike Gibbons]

You know, I'm bad at that, but I just know how envious bands are of comedians. Like Nikki did, I don't know, 10 or 12 nights at the Beacon Theater on the Upper west side.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

And I think, I mean, I don't know. Is she playing Madison Square Garden instead this time around? Because why not just do one or two shows at Madison Square Garden if you're doing 10?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, because they're shitty shows. I don't know why people do Madison Square. No, it's. People do Madison Square Garden. It's like, you know, half the audience sees that and they don't go back and see that act again because they didn't have a good experience. You do the Beacon Theater. It's fucking tight. It's good for comedy. You know, I think it's greedy to do these giant venues.

[Mike Gibbons]

You've been in a stadium, though. You've done. When you're with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've done arenas, yeah. Like 15, 16, thousand seater. Not for me. I was opening for people when I was.

[Mike Gibbons]

I was a. On the road for two cities with Nate Bragazi's. Tour. And he. They are doing a good job making it feel as small as it can feel. Being in the center of the room, you know, that obviously helps. And then big monitors and a big, like, type of, you know, like square monitor above his head as well. So they're doing their best to make it a little more intimate, but.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right.

[Mike Gibbons]

And they put on a show, you know, with all the warm ups and the host. You know, they have a host in the evening. So they're trying to make it as sort of not as impersonal, I guess you would say.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

As it could be. All right. We're gonna make America. Florida.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's do it.

[Mike Gibbons]

This was sent in. You send me this. A Florida surgeon. Hopefully it's former Florida surgeon accused of removing the wrong organ. And he was driving Lyft when he was arrested. Florida surgeon accused of killing a patient on the operating table by removing his liver rather than his spleen. Was driving passengers for lift when arrested. His arrest came more than a year and a half. He's 70 years old. No, sorry. Came over a year and a half after his patient, who's 70 years old, died during what was supposed to be a laparoscopic surgery to remove his spleen. Instead, they removed his liver, causing catastrophic blood loss and killing him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus.

[Mike Gibbons]

State records show that the doctor's medical license was suspended about a month later. A month?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

First of all, happens. You have to. Isn't there an immediate. There should be like an immediate timeout.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I've heard about Uber drivers being arrested for taking out the wrong organ, but usually it's an organ in their pants.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. The widow is suing him. Oh, no, sorry. He was sued by the widow. He also faces a medical negligence lawsuit for a separate surgery on Dorothy Dorset, who was 70. She died in August, days after this doctor removed a mass from her, but then allegedly failed to take steps to prevent sepsis.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Mike Gibbons]

The lawsuits are ongoing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He needs that Uber money bad. He better be driving a lot of hours.

[Mike Gibbons]

I mean, I read. I didn't put it in here, but I did read and I was surprised. He. I'm not joking. He does have a five star rating on Lyft.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm surprised. I would imagine you try to get this guy to pick you up and you're like, no, no, no, I'm over here. You're in the wrong place.

[Mike Gibbons]

I said LaGuardia, not JFK, or whatever it is down there. Yeah, exactly. I said Fort Lauderdale, not West Palm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, now we're Gonna make America Kentucky again. All right. We're not really gonna do this story because it's pretty tragic, but the headline grabbed me. This is what the headline said. Kentucky woman was picked up by a garbage truck's grappler claw and crushed. I then read a little more that when it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The headline grabbed you, it sounds like the headline grabbed her too.

[Mike Gibbons]

And it. The claw came out to grab the trash cans, and it grabbed her by accident. Once they saw a human being was in the claw, it dropped her on the ground, picked up the garbage, and then kept driving down the street. Yeah. Now, the reason we're not. I didn't put the rest in is because she was unhoused. That's the word that the article used. And then she. She walked away when it dropped her on the ground. And then people saw her and brought her in, and she died from her injuries. So unbelievably depressing story that it's people in this country. It's like garbage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's where it's gotten. Whether it's mental illness or just hard financial times, but it's like. And that this can happen. It's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's dystopian. It's really dark. Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

It's like a movie. It's like out of a dystopian movie where the garbage picks up, you know, people. Maybe that's what they are gonna be doing in the future.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right.

[Mike Gibbons]

Let's pick up the homeless people, put them in this big truck, and recycle them with a grappler. Yeah. It also reminds me that. That Marvel comic superhero idea that you've.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, about the frogman. Yeah, Guy in the frog suit who's swimming in the ocean, but there's forest fire. So the helicopter scoops up the ocean water, drops it onto the flames. And the guy who is scuba diving in a frog suit has. Is burned. And the frog suit is burned into his body, and he becomes a superhero that fights against forest fires or something. I don't know what he does.

[Mike Gibbons]

I misremembered. I thought he became a serial frog. Arson. A frog who just lights fires all over the place.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's better. And he always shows up in the water. He shows up in the water, he commits arson from. From. From the edges of the. Of the land. All right, let's get down to this day in history.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, man. I did not do my.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, boy. Here we go. This is gonna take a while.

[Mike Gibbons]

This is gonna take a while. I want to apologize to everyone in advance. They didn't jump out at me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike Gibbons]

How about we'll start with Beethoven? On this day, Beethoven shared his feelings. That's a weird way of putting it. In a beautiful piano piece called Fur Elise. And that's. You know, that one. We both are not doing it. I can definitely hear you're not. And I slaughtered it. It was not known to the world until 57 years later. I'm doing the math on the fly here. When a scholar found it, and we still don't know who exactly the elise in Beethoven's dedication was. Whether there actually was an Elise. Anyway, somehow they know the day, I guess it was dated that he wrote this. What year, give or take 40 years, did Ludwig van Beethoven write this world famous piece?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's so funny when I think about composers. Like, yeah, there's some recent composers, but, like, it's all guys from hundreds of years ago. Like, there was a. There was a golden time with Mozart and Bach and Beethoven and Haydn and Liszt and. I don't know what that time was like. I guess it must have been the seventh hundreds.

[Mike Gibbons]

They were of different times, though, then.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, I'm going to say Beethoven was 1760.

[Mike Gibbons]

I gave you 40 years, so you did not do it. It's 1810.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, damn it.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, let's go up here and try to see another one. Sigmund Freud worked his first day, he punched the clock. As a neurologist in private practice, I've actually been by his office in Vienna. What year did old Siggy punch the clock, give or take 25 years?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1915.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, you just missed it. 1886.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, my God.

[Mike Gibbons]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many years did you give me?

[Mike Gibbons]

You missed by four years. I gave you 25. I know. Okay, okay. It's a birthday. It's a birthday. And that birthday boy is Al Pacino, give or take three years. What year was Al Pacino born?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1942.

[Mike Gibbons]

You did it. I gave you enough. 1940.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I always guess my mother's age when it's older people. She was born at 42.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, is that what you're doing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

When do you think? Not a birthday, sadly, a death day. She died. I'm gonna give you a clue. At the age of 77, Lucille Ball died on this day. In what year, give or take eight years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

2000.

[Mike Gibbons]

Wrong.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. 1996.

[Mike Gibbons]

You get it with that? 1989.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, how many years did you give me?

[Mike Gibbons]

Eight. Oh, yeah, you barely got it. On your second guest. Okay, let's find The London Zoo opened in Regents Park. When do you think the London Zoo opened? Give or take 50 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1730.

[Mike Gibbons]

No, it's 1828. I would have guessed earlier. Also. Yeah, I also gave you. I scared you with that spread that I gave you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Man, I am shitting the bed today. All right, let me get one. I don't think I've got any.

[Mike Gibbons]

I find another one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no, I got Al Pacino. That was it.

[Mike Gibbons]

When do you think itunes was launched? When did Apple launch the itunes store? Because it was on this day. In what year? Give or take five years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, there was Pandora first, right? Wasn't that the first. No, not Pandora. What was the one that originally put

[Mike Gibbons]

out digital music and then the guy went over to Facebook.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. So that's. I'm saying that would have started around mid-90s. So I would say iTunes would have been 97.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, I gave you five years. No, 2003. Wow. Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, okay. Remember Kon Tiki now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Next. Come on. Now.

[Mike Gibbons]

The raft. Travel to Polynesia from Peru.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Never heard of it.

[Mike Gibbons]

There was a very famous documentary about the. The crazy men brought cameras on them. All right, man. It's Slim Pickens. I mean, I don't care about Lionel Barrymore here. Ajito. I don't care about the animated TV. Oh, man. Aired at 630. Sixth episode. Too obscure. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, one last one.

[Mike Gibbons]

One last one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Give me a big range.

[Mike Gibbons]

You don't care about Seinfeld's birthday?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure, let's do Seinfeld's birthday.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, fine. We're gonna do Seinfeld's birthday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna guess he's. By the way.

[Mike Gibbons]

I made that up. I have. I now have to hope his birthday was. Now I'm kidding. Here it is. His birthday is. Where did Jerry just go?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna guess 1953.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, well, that'll make it easy for me to give you a spread. Younger than that. I mean, narrower than that.

[Announcer]

That.

[Mike Gibbons]

He was born in Brooklyn, New York. What. What date?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1953.

[Mike Gibbons]

Look at you. 54.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice. I go out big. I go out on top.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's why. That's how you're painting this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, all right. Let's get down. There's nobody died this week.

[Mike Gibbons]

Apparently we're on a hot streak of. No streak.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We have. There has not been a big death in, like, a month. I feel like.

[Mike Gibbons]

And all apologies to people who've lost someone or a big death that we're forgetting, but I'm really. It's nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, to you, maybe a pet died, and that was a big deal, and you Cried. But to us, it was meaningless.

[Mike Gibbons]

But, you know, your gerbil Eric Clapton doesn't count. It just doesn't. We're sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get to the funnies.

[Mike Gibbons]

Here go we. Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. It's time to cheer up a little bit. Last, as you know, the comedy caption contest. Every week, we give you a caption or a cartoon. You write the caption for it. You send it in to fitzdogradiomail.com Please put your name directly underneath your joke. We take the ones we like the most. We put it in, we read them, we pick a winner. Don't be insulted if we didn't pick yours. It's kind of random, but we do our best. Last week was two clowns, a man and a woman, sitting on a couch. There's a framed picture of a balloon dog on the wall behind them. They're watching tv and they're talking. The man is talking to the woman. Robert Condor said that. He says, you want to put on baskets and fuck. That's good. I like that. Brian R. Said, everyone in this administration is just so relatable.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Smart Rick says, honey, I really think the jets are going to go all the way this year.

[Mike Gibbons]

That's my favorite.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ted says, want to talk about last night? I love your enthusiasm, but I'm still in pain down there after you tied it into a giraffe. Okay, little wordy, little wordy. Jane says, Kristi Noem again humiliated by new footage of her and Corey's clown fetish.

[Mike Gibbons]

Poor Christy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kurt says, our carpooling is really getting out of control. That's funny. I like that. Rich Kennedy says, it looks like we're going to add C to the lgbtq.

[Mike Gibbons]

Okay, why is that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know. They're not gay, they're not queer, they're not trans.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, that's why they have their own category. He would argue, I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right. So you like the jets one?

[Mike Gibbons]

I guess it's two clowns are found each other, so they need their own category. I get it. I get it, Rich.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. I think I like. I mean, the jets is just a little less literal on the clown thing, which I like, and it feels validating.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I also think because you're a Jets fan, you were a little bit. I think the thumb was on the scale a little bit on that one.

[Mike Gibbons]

Well, I mean, he's calling me a clown.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Mike Gibbons]

Which feels good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get to the pros now, hag of the horrible. The King and the Queen are looking out of their castle window, and there's a kiosk set up, and it says, viking Loot Outlet Duck, Duke and Duchess's castle treasures, 85% off or best offer. And the king says, as if the raid was not humiliating enough, yeah, well, there's not another kiosk next to it with the queen in it in fishnet stockings and red lipstick with the best offer on that, because that's what would have really happened.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, the queen's glory hole right in the back, man. Are you kidding? Glory holes? Let's be real about this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This on the Lockhorns. Leroy is jogging, and he is panting. He looks in pain. Loretta says to her friend, leroy runs like the winded. Okay, and now we have Leroy, and he is talking to his receptionist, and she Sundays, you had five messages while you were out, all from you asking if you had any messages.

[Mike Gibbons]

I like that. I wonder if you gave. And we should know this, but as writers, but both of us have not tried AI for work. And I wonder if you gave it 10 lockhorns like Leroy runs like the wind did. He makes some joke about her, like carbon dating on her, you know, burnt dinner. And then this one wouldn't work with the messages, but other ones like that where it's. It's very often wordplay criticizing the spouse. I think AI would easily wrap its mind around that. And I wonder if you asked it to give you five, if any of them could pass or if that's already being done.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, how about this? From now on, the comedy caption contest, I am going to run it through AI and you're going to have to pick which one of them was AI generated. And if you do, you win a koozie.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, do I have to mail it to myself?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Another Lockhorns.

[Mike Gibbons]

The good news is, when it's returned, I'll get it. When the post office rejects it, Loretta's

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

talking to Leroy, and she goes, the short answer is no. The long answer is no.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, that one. You see, I don't think I could write that one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I love that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah. No, I do like it. It's different.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And you got an onion for us.

[Mike Gibbons]

Like, it was a very. There's another one there that. That is like, the one I'm talking about. Yes, I have an onion. I do have an onion. And I. It sums it up. It feels a little familiar, like they could have done this before. Before. But apparently there's a report out, and the port is. Nobody cares. That's what that is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So True. People are done. It's like. It's like we feel about politics the same way that we feel about Marvel movies. It was really exciting. They were big events. And now we just are done. We don't care.

[Mike Gibbons]

All right, we had some news stories, right? So here we go. The government is bringing back firing squads. Apparently. Nobody fucking cares. Michael Jackson. It's. The dude's killing it. His movie. Everyone's seeing it. They're enjoying. Nobody fucking cares. The hard news on that one, Maduro, someone's batting. The government did care on that, which is good. But we brought up that you can bet on anything. A guy's using a hairdryer at De Gaulle Airport, like, and he's not going to be charged. No one really gives a shit what else is on here. Oh, the made up MAGA woman, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Mike Gibbons]

Come on. That's just. That's just par for the course.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's the end of reality. It is literally now crossed over that with an election coming up, I can generate video that 99% of the people believe is true. Good luck, candidates in the fall. And good luck, the presidential race in two and a half years.

[Mike Gibbons]

Oh, here's good news. Russell Brand. I care. I want him to pay the price. Florida surgeon picked up a Florida. Good on you. I didn't know you arrested people when it wasn't a. An immigration issue. Good for you. The Kentucky woman. Boo. Boy, that's a tough one. I don't think nobody cares. Anyway, that's the Onion headline.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I forgot to give you guys the caption for next week. We have. It's a therapist's office. And the therapist is sitting in a chair with her little notebook writing. And the patient who's on the couch is Frankenstein. There you go.

[Mike Gibbons]

Love it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Although I should say, and people may point this out in the corrections, he is not Frankenstein. He is Frankenstein's monster.

[Mike Gibbons]

They are gonna point that out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Let's close it out with our favorite couple. Dagwood is sitting on a chair with his hands in his pocket. God bless her. Blondie's got her back to him, showing off only her golden locks and not her full bosom and bowling pin calves. He goes, today was a really rough day at work. She goes, same here. He goes, there's only one thing that would make it better. She goes, I agree.

[Mike Gibbons]

This is promising.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He goes, ice cream. And she goes, I'll get the scoop. I would be like, there's only one thing that can make it better. Ice cream dripping down your lower back as I lay beneath you like you're teabagging me. And the cream is curdled by the acid in your pink outstretched labia.

[Mike Gibbons]

I thought you were gonna say only one thing can make it better. Blondie says, I agree. He says, ice cream. Blondie says, I'll get the divorce attorney. I mean, it has to be over at that point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, yours is more PG rated. I think that'll probably get us back on the algorithm. Thank you guys for listening. Don't forget, Miracle Sheets really does change your sleep. It's cleaner, it's more comfortable, and it feels luxurious. Right now, use code [e-mail] and you're gonna get a three piece towel set and save 40%. And then anything you want to plug. Mike.

[Mike Gibbons]

Mum, I don't know. Oh, you know, I. I don't think. Maybe I did talk about a while ago, but I told the writers room, it came up. There's a documentary. There's a terrible reference. You're going to have to do some work on your own. But it's about these murders. Unsolved murders in New Hampshire.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's one of that.

[Mike Gibbons]

Yeah, it's one of the higher rated. I think I talked about it before, but if I have to plug something, which I guess I do, I would do that. I would go. I would just Google true crime. Cold case, New Hampshire, Murder Murderers podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There you go. All right, people, thank you guys for listening. We'll talk to you soon. Take a dish, take a dish.

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