Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 311 5/4/26

Summary

Sunday Papers with Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons — Episode 311 (5/4/26) Aired: May 3, 2026

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Overview

In this episode of “Sunday Papers,” Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons tackle the week’s funniest and weirdest news headlines, riff on family stories, and deliver their classic blend of satire, personal anecdotes, and sharp commentary on everything from sports to societal stress. The episode features lively banter on the Kentucky Derby, generational anxiety, financial woes, conspiracy theories, and ethical quandaries, all wrapped up with recurring segments like reader corrections, ethical questions, and a review of the Sunday funnies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kentucky Derby, Horse Racing & Homing Pigeons

• Horse Racing Rituals: Greg shares his family’s Derby traditions, including his mother’s routine: “Every Sunday she goes to mass and then she drives directly—she parks in the priest’s spot by the way because she's always late—and then straight to the casino. Prays for winnings, then hopes to get them!” (03:19)
• Horse Genetics/Derby Facts: Mike discusses how “at least five horses in the Kentucky Derby have the same dad today... and like six are from the same stable.” (05:26)
• Breeding Realities:
  • Greg: “Do horses know their reward is breeding with the hottest female horse if they win?”
  • Mike: “You know it's a metal mechanical bull and there’s a person inside to collect the load…” (08:58)
• Homing Pigeon Story: Mike’s family used to race a homing pigeon against the car from the local 7-11, believing they’d “beat it home,” not knowing the adults rigged it all. (07:10)

2. Sports Team Names, White Guilt, and Travel Woes

• Team Names Riff:
  • Mike laments the “76ers”: "Really, your team is called the 76ers? Is it 70–hyphen–sixers? No, idiot. It's 7-6-ers. And we're gonna call them the Sixers. That's Roman numeral 6 with ERS? No, we'll spell it out." (10:38)
  • Greg: “Red Sox and White Sox… pretty lame.”
  • Washington Irving’s influence on “Knickerbockers.”
• Performing for Rich Crowds: Greg and Mike joke about their standup gigs at elite clubs: “You can mock the rich all night... but make fun of the poor and they freak.” (15:00)
• Old People & Packaging: Frustration with modern packaging for deli meats or medicine: “Half the things are impossible to open. And when you feel like shit!” (13:30)

3. Economy, Housing, and Existential Stress

• Water & Environment Concerns: Mike notes how dire environmental stories rarely get political attention: “Nothing is existentially more threatening than the environment... but it wasn’t mentioned even once during the last election.” (17:56)
• Housing Market Breakdown: High private equity ownership in single-family homes and rising insurance make ownership difficult: “The government is trying to enact legislation, but let’s see… knowing how in bed they are with big money.” (35:14)
• Gen Z & National Anxiety: A survey shows Gen Z has record existential stress (52%) and one in three Americans feels similarly: “A major unplanned life change for Gen Z is like... they don’t have oat milk so now it’s soy.” (36:37)
• Healthcare Costs: Discussion of spiraling health insurance costs: “$2,800 a month for insurance? So I’m saving it instead. But if your kid gets diabetes, you’re screwed.” (38:01)

4. Conspiracies, Assassinations & AI Super Soldiers

• Conspiracy Theories & Assassination Bump: Greg: “Assassination attempts are a spike for a politician’s popularity… happened with Reagan, Trump, etc. ’I’m not saying they did it, but…’” (20:10)
• China’s AI Super Soldier Program: Harvard chemist Charles Lieber defects to China, now making $750k leading “iBrain,” designing brain-computer interfaces to create “super soldiers.” Greg: “Why do the Chinese need AI super soldiers? Have you seen these fuckers do kung fu?” (46:02)
• Olympics Opening Ceremony: Mike extols the intimidation power of the Beijing Olympics: “If they showed that on the battlefield, we’d just surrender!” (48:27)

5. Reader Corrections & Listener Mail

• Pronunciation Critique: Greg got told “Nassau” vs “NASA” mix-ups were odd, but explains: “I was making a joke about NASA technology—not the Bahamas.” (22:51)
• Coffee Snobbery: Listeners urge Mike to stop using creamer and switch to milk: “Good coffee does not need anything.” (23:55)
• Ad Reads & Personal Endorsements: Endorsement for business management tool Quo (27:17).

6. Reality Stranger than Fiction: Unraveling a Fake Sex Harassment Story at JP Morgan

• Case Breakdown:
  • Greg details allegations against a female JP Morgan executive accused of wild misconduct, but Mike gives the update: “He made the whole thing up. It was all fabricated.” (32:11)
  • They riff on the absurdity of the man’s fictional claims: “Even in this guy’s fiction, he can’t get it up!” (34:09)

7. Ethical Questions

• Should you buy a homeless person’s cat if they can’t care for it?
  • Greg: “I think it’s a win-win-win. Win for the guy, win for the cat, win for you.” (52:41)
• Accidentally slept with friend’s wife (didn’t know she was married):
  • Greg: If it’s just a casual friend, “no need to tell.” Mike: “Art class at night? There’s something going on…” (54:07)

8. Classic Segments & Rapid Fire Riffs

This Day in History (65:55)

• First Grammy Awards (1959): Winners include Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra.
• Louisiana Purchase (1803): $15 million for 828k square miles.
• King James Bible (1611).
• Kentucky Derby first televised (1952).
• Margaret Mitchell wins Pulitzer for Gone with the Wind (1937).
• Adele’s age (born 1988): “God, she got old fast… but so did we.” (71:46)

Entertainment & Weird News

• Oscar Statue Lost by TSA: Mike recounts a doc director whose Academy Award was lost in JFK baggage. Greg: “You can bring a Dalmatian named Oscar on a plane, but not an Oscar.” (56:36)
• Florida Man: Exposed himself at Chick-fil-A drive thru, sporting a vibrating sex toy “that adjusts speed based on how fast you’re driving.” (58:05)
• Kid Gets Stuck in Claw Machine (Wisconsin): “Footage of the kid sitting among stuffed animals in a claw machine. This looks like a game at an Epstein party: get the toddler out, and you win it.” (64:28)

Comic Strip Fun

• Caption Contest: Frankenstein on the therapist’s couch — “I could tolerate pitchforks in person, but all the DMs are really bumming me out” wins. (75:30)
• Hagar the Horrible, Lockhorns, and Blondie get their weekly over-analysis, with Greg contemplating Blondie’s eventual escape to freedom. (80:33)

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Notable Quotes & Classic Moments

• On Kentucky Derby horse breeding:
  Mike: “You get a couple hundred grand, and you get his seed... per shot!” (05:49)

• On Breeding Jobs:
  Greg: "What's that job called? I want to know that title... You're the cum master." (09:42)

• On Philly Sports:
  Mike: “I love nothing more than seeing Philly people angry.” (10:13)

• On Environmental Crisis:
  Greg: “Nothing is existentially more threatening than the environment. And it was not mentioned once during the last election.” (17:56)

• On Gen Z Stress:
  Mike: “A major unplanned life change for Gen Z is like—they don’t have oat milk, so now it’s soy… Uber Eats was late.” (36:37)

• On Fake Sex Harassment Allegations:
  Greg: "Even in this guy's fiction, he can't get it up... You're not even a hero in your own story." (34:09)

• On Private Equity in Housing:
  Greg: "These are the lowest people in America. They destroy small businesses." (34:54)

• On Ethics & Cat Rescue:
  Greg: “It’s a win, win, win… The human’s fucked, though.” (53:10)

• On Podcast Memory:
  Mike: “Shame on him for listening every week, right? Get a life!” (51:39)

• Beijing Olympics as Psychological Warfare:
  Mike: “They put on that show, and the other side would just lay down their weapons… it’s that intimidating.” (48:27)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Kentucky Derby & Family Rituals: 02:31–05:48
• Horse Racing Genetics / Breeding Riff: 05:26–09:42
• Philly Sports Rant: 10:03–12:33
• Seattle Show, Rich Crowds, Poor People Jokes: 14:00–16:49
• Environmental Crisis & Water Shortages: 17:14–18:28
• Corrections Mailbag (Pronunciation, Coffee): 21:43–25:29
• Fake JP Morgan Sex Scandal: 30:19–35:08
• Gen Z Existential Crisis & National Anxiety: 36:08–45:04
• AI Super Soldiers, China Defection: 46:02–50:31
• Ethical Questions Segment: 50:35–55:32
• Lost Oscar at JFK: 55:37–57:58
• Florida Man’s Chick-fil-A Incident: 58:02–61:06
• Wisconsin Kid in Claw Machine: 63:26–65:45
• This Day in History: 65:55–71:45
• Funnies/Comics Segment: 73:26–82:03

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Tone & Style

The podcast is irreverent, quick-witted, and heavily laced with sarcasm, with recurring bits involving ridiculous news headlines, inside showbiz gossip, reader submissions, and self-deprecating takes on aging, memory loss, and the absurdities of modern life.

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For Listeners

This episode is packed with the classic Sunday Papers blend of comedy and cultural commentary. Whether it’s poking fun at the 1%, bemoaning Gen Z’s resilience, unspooling wild finance stories, or contemplating if a horse knows what it’s racing for — Greg and Mike keep things sharp, goofy, and always honest. If you missed it, this recap gives you the best jokes, insights, and the heart of every segment.

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Not to miss on next week’s show:

• Fire recaps and new segment teases
• More comics, more ethical mayhem (and maybe another correction about coffee)
• Look for both Greg and Mike credited as writers on the upcoming live roast of Kevin Hart on Mother’s Day

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Mike]

Turn him up and turn them on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers coming to you live from Los Angeles. Why are we not in the same studio? I don't know, but we're not.

[Mike]

I have a sound booth that I'm in. Everyone loves the sound. Check, check, check. It looks like it's. I'm going to turn it. No, that's good. I'm going.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You were low last week. Apparently.

[Mike]

No, not a couple.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We got a couple emails that you were low. Yes. What do you want me to say? I'm just telling you what the people are saying.

[Mike]

Like my register was low.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Maybe you're not close enough to the mic. I don't know. Jesus Christ.

[Mike]

I don't have good mic technique. I've never professed to have that, but I'm wondering that I don't change the level. So can we. Matt's listening to us. Probably not. If he was smart, he wouldn't be. But maybe we just raise mine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike]

I don't know. I mean, I don't want it to go in the red post.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This sounds like a post production meeting. Let's talk about. We got to keep it tight.

[Mike]

Award winning career in the medium of television and some radio. I know you don't want to deliver it in the Reds. Better to come in lighter on the audio levels, lower. And so that's what I'm doing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, good. We're keeping it tight because the Kentucky Derby will be Saturday today. It's Saturday today, so we don't know who's going to win. But my mother, my kids, I have a lot of frequent flyer miles, so I flew my son from New York and my daughter from LA down to see my mom in Florida, and she immediately got them up to no good. They were out. She took them to some restaurant, lot of drinking, back to the apartment. They were up until one in the morning, drinking. And then tomorrow she takes them to the casino. No, first she takes them to church. This is my mom's ritual. Every Sunday she goes to mass and then she drives directly. And by the way, I've been to mass with her. You guess where she parks in the

[Mike]

handicapped spot, the one next to it

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

that says for priests only. She parks in, she goes because she's always late, so she knows that the priests are already there, so that spot's got to be open.

[Mike]

And, I mean, they owe her for what they did to her sons. So I think a wash. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then. So she. She gets to church late and then she'll. She'll head directly to the casino and they're going to play blackjack and then probably poke her back at the house.

[Mike]

They go. They pray for winnings, then they go, try to get those winnings. I get it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then she. And then she's got them betting on the Kentucky Derby today. So I don't know who's running.

[Mike]

Yeah, I don't. I. My Instagram feed told me some dumb story about this widower and his horse is so happy. Do you ever get the. So maybe so happy seems to be like, I don't know, seven to one. So maybe I'll root for so happy, but for the dead. For the dead chick. But have you on your algorithm? Has it fed your feed? The. The guy who breaks down data with beautiful drawings. Now, I think I've sent them to you and it's been on the group chat. Like, for instance, he did a beautiful illustration and it's with charts and graphs, different colored pencils, and I know it sounds like I'm describing something not impressive. It's so impressive he broke down. One I sent around was the stats on umpires and how often they're right and wrong calling. And now you know there's going to be. There's cameras and how the cameras will be used. He does all of that anyway. He did one on hockey, which was great. He's just did one on the Kentucky Derby and how the horses get there. And the. The legend that it's like horses from around the world, like three or two are going to be from. Are international, and then it's from every state and all this. And he's like, not quite. At least five horses have the same dad today. Really maybe four. And at least six horses, I think are from the same stable in Kentucky, where the father is a sire.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's a sire.

[Mike]

Well, a couple of hundred grand, and you get his seed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike]

Per shot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was a 60 minutes did a piece last week about pigeons. You know, homing pigeons. It's become this huge sport. And the prize pigeons get sold for one of them, sold for a million dollars to breed other pigeons. And they take them in a truck and they bring them hundreds of miles away. And then the first one to return to the nest and go into the little barn wins. They win, like, million dollars. I don't know how a pigeon. How does a pigeon spend a million dollars, by the way?

[Mike]

Yeah, I know. He probably. Well, Tyson probably takes it from the pigeon. I imagine that's what happened all those years we had hicks. Of course they were hicks in Shirley Long island, for those of you that don't know. Shirley is like maybe the second to last town before the Hamptons, before West Hampton. And yet it is full. Kentucky. It is full. Like the image you have when I say Kentucky hick or Appalachian. I mean. And these were. These were our cousins up on cars, up on cinder blocks, sofa on the porch, the whole thing. He was like, my. My great. I don't know what. Great uncle, I guess. What do you call my grandfather's sister and brother? Like, I don't know. Anyway, Eel fisherman had like, one tooth. That's how he tie knots. He could tie knots so fast. He'd use these. Like, one tooth that was on the top of his mouth. So I've set the table for you. Anyway, they had a homing pigeon. And one thing we do is we'd go. We. They're like, you want to take what? I forget the pigeon's name. I shouldn't. I should remember it. You want to take it to 7 11? Because we would go to 711 to get, like, clean water or what. Like, we were. I wasn't gonna touch. My dad didn't want us touching any of the there. And so we go to seven with the pigeon in our car. And then he's like, so when you're ready to leave 7 11, just throw the pigeon in the air and race at home. And. And he had told my dad, like, the pigeon will beat you. Let's say 7 11's 10 minutes away. He's like, it'll beat you home by nine minutes. And. And he's like, but you could tell the kids it's close and to look up and maybe you see it. And that's sure enough. We were lied to for a few years and we would think we saw the pigeon and we're like, we're going to beat it this time. Yeah. No, they know what they're doing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus. That's amazing. I love horse racing and I always wonder like, do the horses know that if they win the race they get to breed like that that's the reward, right? Like you get the hottest female horse if you win.

[Mike]

Well, slow down. Do you know what breeding means?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Having sex with another horse.

[Mike]

There is a metal, what looks like the like mechanical bull that you find in a, you know, in a honky tonk bar. It looks like that. And they entice it. I forget how they do this. They entice it to mount that and there is a person inside it to collect the load that is shot out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I want to know what's that job? Like a gym sock.

[Mike]

What's that job? What is that job called? What? I want to know that title also, like, are you assistant, whatever that job is, or an apprentice? Hey, can I intern on your farm?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're the come master.

[Mike]

You went there? I was trying to keep it clean. I mean this is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I. Maybe they should do that. Maybe they should do that for all sports. Instead of paying these guys hundreds of millions of dollars, they just get to pick anybody in the country. If they win, they get to have sex with them.

[Mike]

I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or in the stadium.

[Mike]

And then after the Kentucky Derby, I've invited you to come to Penmar, which is a Philadelphia bar by all rights. Wouldn't you say that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, there's a lot of Philadelphia.

[Mike]

They are so excited about their 76ers and I love nothing more than seeing Philly people angry. So I kind of don't really feel strong. I want a close game. I can't tell Dickie that I'm rooting. And George, my brother in law, they love the Celtics. I'm rooting for a close game because they'll be even more angry, the Philly fans, when they lose.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So this is game seven, correct?

[Mike]

Yes. With their dumb team. I know we've talked about it, but really your Team's name is the 76ers. Like, it's so. So they. The team in whatever, the 50s or whatever, moved from Syracuse, they were already called the Nationals. So why don't you just. The Philadelphia Nationals, you know, arguably, like one of the birthplaces of our nation. You know, all that stuff. Why wouldn't you keep that name? And then they. They had a contest, and this is how stupid Philadelphia is. They voted for set. So it's like, what's that meeting? Is it like. So I just want to be clear. Let's say I'm the guy in that meeting with all these Philly idiots. They brought one smart person from New York. And I'm like, I just want to. Before, listen, it's your Choice. You want ers. You want ers on the jerseys and the hats. Ers. Ers. And I'm like, and is it 70 hyphen? Sixers? And they're like, no, idiot. It will use the numbers 7, 6. So it's 7, 6 and then Ers. No apostrophe. No, no, that's it. That's where it's going to be. And it's like, all right. And they're like, don't worry, though. We're going to call them the Sixers. That's what they're going to be called a lot. So I'm like, that's Roman numeral 6 with ERS. No, idiot, we'll spell that out. We'll spell S, I, X, E, R, S. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you know, you got the Red Sox and the White Sox. I don't know who is first, but that's pretty lame.

[Mike]

I think that's cute.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right.

[Mike]

Meanwhile, Knickerbockers can really defend it. They took an internal vote. Get this. Because it's related to you a little where you grew up. Washington Irving is sort of indirectly responsible for the New York Knicks being called that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait. Tarrytown native Washington Irving.

[Mike]

You got it, pal. I thought you'd like that little tidbit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I went to Washington Irving Junior High

[Mike]

school, and all the Philly people don't even come at me. I'm not defending the name Knickerbockers. Do you know what Knickerbockers means?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think you're supposed to say necrobachers at this point.

[Mike]

That would be better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

Marble bakers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Marble bakers.

[Mike]

Yes. It's a Dutch name. And then it got elite connotations. And. And then Washington Irving shortened. No, he.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He.

[Mike]

He was the first maybe to use Knickerbocker. I think as to describe rich New Yorkers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It sounds like you've taken Ritalin and gone down the rabbit hole on the Internet for a little while.

[Mike]

I've got about four minutes left and it's going to be a giant crash. No, I know what. Oh, you know what it is. I think you're right. I took Sudafed after a half hour of trying to open the package.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I know. I. Sometimes I think about older people trying to open.

[Mike]

That's what it is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I am like half the shit. Just like, you know, deli meat that you buy from the supermarket. Like, good luck getting that open without your teeth. Scissors, Strong grip. You know, half the things that are packaged are impossible to open.

[Mike]

And you're, you know, knees. By definition, you're opening it when you feel like shit. So now you're adding that to the mix.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. So I'm a little out of it. I. In the last 24 hours, I have flown to Seattle, did a show, hung out all night with the other comics who were great, and then flew home. And that. I'll tell you that SeaTac Airport is a bear. You got to take a train. Any airport. We got a train I want to avoid. It's not. I'm not taking a train. I'm not a commuter. I'm a fucking. I'm flying. I'm. I'm an air passenger. Don't involve tracks. Not on spirit. Spirits gone.

[Mike]

I. I successfully used spirit. My daughters are bummed. It's gone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How are poor people gonna get to Vegas to blow their paychecks every year?

[Mike]

It was a flight and a show. There was usually two fights.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Here's the thing about poor people is. And I realized this last night, I'm in Seattle and I was performing at this fancy country club. And, you know, I got paid a good amount of money for 80 people and you realize, like, what they're paying per person when you realize what I'm getting paid. But they don't care because it's a club. And you go up there and I immediately am like, well, don't worry, guys. I always give a hundred percent for the 1% and just start mocking everything. And the guy who went on ahead of me, who was hilarious. Wait, what's his name? Fuck it, I gotta. I gotta find his name. I really like this guy. He was really going after them. And you can't offend the rich by calling them rich or calling them reptilian or you bring up trilateral commission, any of that stuff, they're fine. But if you make Fun of poor people. Oh, they won't have it.

[Mike]

Well, that's one of the lines. I don't think we'll use it in the Kevin Hart roast. At the top. If you're not a fan of comedy punching down, I would change the channel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That should be the logo. Just a. Just a boxing glove aimed down.

[Mike]

Yeah. No, wait, where was this club?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bellevue, Washington, just outside of Seattle.

[Mike]

Because you did the same thing, man. You killed it at the club here in la. I saw you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Same booker. Same booker who booked me there.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jason. He's great.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. They love. I think it helps their white guilt, you know what I mean, when you shit on them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It's kind of like how CEOs like being sexually, you know, humiliated and stuff. And they pay for it, right? It's it. It bound. There's a balance now. Their internal sort of temperature feels a little better.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? So, yeah, I mean, Seattle's a fucking gritty town, man. There's a lot of drug addicts there.

[Mike]

Yeah, I know. I don't know. I mean, with all. I mean, the rain is a little overstated. I told you, Nashville gets more rain. Not more rainy days, but more rain.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, but with the environment is changing. It's way less rain than it used to be.

[Mike]

Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Something to do with.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, that's something. I'm gonna. I'm gonna start putting in a water story every week. And some weeks maybe I don't have it. Kind of like we don't have science every week, but the water going into this summer, it is not good in so many places.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, did you say the Colorado river is gonna run out of water?

[Mike]

Well, there's a Colorado River. And also when the dam lowers, but very briefly, I think I might have. Anyway, the dam can't go too low, otherwise it doesn't work like the Hoover Dam. I think it might be the Hoover. Like the engineering is based on it being a certain, you know, whatever it is. Anyway. And then of course, the Florida Aquaphor, which I think I did talk about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's incredible is with all the outrage about politics and world wars and all this stuff, nothing is existentially more threatening than the environment. And it was not mentioned once during the last election. And. And it's not. And I haven't heard it mentioned in the last year and a half.

[Mike]

No, he mocks when it's mentioned. He mocks. He mocks the Green Movement. He mocks not just the Green Movement. He mocks people who are open to any green initiative or concern.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. Anyway, our thanks to Bob this week. It's a logo of us being arrested on the floor of the. Wherever the correspondence.

[Mike]

I think it might have been the Hilton.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Hilton.

[Mike]

Wait, have you seen the new footage? This is what Greg's trying to talk about is we're on the floor like the shooter at the press whatchamacallit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Correspondence.

[Mike]

Press corps. Yeah. So have you seen this new angle of footage before he ran?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Mike]

So the conspiracy theorists are going to nuts because you see an armed guard, you see the guy that like, got almost run over, right? So now it's an angle that's coming more. It's basically it's. It's as if it's wider, right? And you see the two metal detectors and you see them like milling around and it's very slow. And you see an armed guy with a big assault rifle or. Or a rifle. Look into a room that's right off of that lobby. A door. And he kind of goes in the door a little and he kind of checks and then he like, nods or whatever. And then he comes out and I'm. There is then like, no delay. The guy flies out of that door. Our guy, really. And right through the metal detector, past the other guy who, you know, we've all seen already, like, and everyone's like, what was that interaction? Did he. I mean, benefit of the doubt. Did he have the rifle? He had multiple weapons, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, assassination attempts are a spike for a politician's popularity. It's incredible if you look at the numbers over the years. It happened with Reagan when. When Brady got shot. Um, it happened with Trump when he got shot in the ear. It's like you. I'm not. I'm not saying they did do it, but like 911 conspiracy theorists get. Get excited about it because the upside of the incident is so huge for the vested interest in this, like 9 11. It allowed us to go into the Middle east, which they've been wanting to do for a long time.

[Mike]

The government has no interest in quieting down conspiracy theories. Even with Charlie Kirk, it's like, yeah, let. Look over here, let them spin their wheels over here. Please don't focus on, you know, what's going on in the Epstein files or Iran or whatever it is that affects national, real national issues. And it's like, same with. The same with the Trump ear shooter. I bet you there is a very watertight explanation of what happened. So, like, if the government did want to shut it up, they could be like, hey, everybody, please be with your families, work Hard. Let's get the economy going. We're going to lay out why it was a legitimate assassination. Yeah, here it is. Here are the facts, and they're not doing even remotely that

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

the song this week. I can't remember who it's from, but it was great. We need more songs from you guys. Send them in to fitzdogradiomail.com we are very low. The needle is on E. So anything you send in, we'll use. Let's just say that right now. Corrections. Ryan in Chicago says, hey, Greg, love the pod. Sometimes you mispronounce words and it's weird because you seem intelligent. Oh, I, you know, I seem way more intelligent than I really am. You recently compared the acronym NASA to Nassau, Bahamas. Nassau is pronounced with an at the end, not an A.W. barkley. Well, I think Barkley. And not to take anything away from me being unintelligent, but the joke I was making was that the sheets that we promote, the technology comes from NASA. And I made the joke that not Nassau and the Bahamas, but the space NASA. So that was intentional.

[Mike]

I'm reading the next correction. Sorry.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Why don't you read it out loud?

[Mike]

By the way, you. I don't think you just said this. You corrected yourself on the fly with that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Probably. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

During an ad. During an ad for the technology in a sponsor we have. Yes, NASA. Okay, this correction is specifically for Mike. Please tell him that if he's putting creamer or. Or whipped cream in coffee, he needs to reevaluate his life. I already, already am, man. Or buy better coffee. Is that all it will take? Then I can stop.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you reevaluating your life right now? Would you say.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Oh, I was going to bring it up as an issue. I was going to try to find a story. I think everyone, listen. We are doing one story. We'll talk about it when we talk about this. The Gen Z, I think it is story down below. Okay, so it's a shame that somebody that had an ad on his show about a friend that is roasting coffee had to put creamer in it. Good coffee does not need anything. And if you're gonna put anything in it, make it milk. You know, I've never heard that, believe it or not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So, no, no, if you go to good coffee shops, I remember there was a sign in a coffee shop up in Northern California and it said. And it said, half and half, please do not use. It's insulting. Like, yeah, great coffee. You're not supposed to put anything in.

[Mike]

And I'm A little bit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like putting ice cubes in good scotch.

[Mike]

I'm a coffee snob who has no, you know, like, principle about it. Like, I really love. But I'll drink Dunkin Donuts, I don't give a shit. I just love coffee. But I do. I got into it for a while and had an espresso maker, so I did. Never heard that. Because, like, I think they froth half and half. I think they froth cream, like in Italy. And I could be wrong. Maybe they're gonna have cappuccino.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Anyway, no, no, but this guy would say they're frothing milk, Right? And then let's give him his joke. He says, I'm guessing that if he's putting creamer in coffee, he probably puts Coca Cola and Pappy Van Winkle bourbon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, don't even say it out loud.

[Mike]

No. Every place I order even a tequila soda or vodka soda, and it's not impressive when I'm there with someone I don't know. But then I'm like, yeah, I love a tequila soda. They're like, what kind? I'm like, cheapest you got. Because you are putting it in club soda.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly. No, it's like putting Dom Perignon in a mimosa.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's exactly what it's like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that was from man, Manolo Matos.

[Mike]

He said he sent it with love. I appreciate it, man. And I'm going to do. Going to switch my order to milk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I am so excited about the new material I've been doing lately, and you can come see it at the Brea Improv on May 8th. Boston. Boston's going to sell out. Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th. That's my home turf. Then I'm heading up to Rochester, New Hampshire, to the Opera House on the 5th. Agunquit, Maine on June 6th. Also, dates coming up in St. Pete's Cincinnati, Columbus. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come on out. And also shout out to Gotham Productions, who does our podcast and does a fine job and we appreciate their recent push. Our numbers are going up. Tell your friends, spread the word.

[Mike]

My audio level's going up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Audio levels are going up. Everything is just rainbows and puppy.

[Mike]

Bet they heard that also.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look, let's talk about something that I'm glad we get some of these ads, because it's a way for us to share things that we care about. Sometimes people think about, like, if you have a company and you're missing calls or you're not Getting back to people fast. You're blowing it. It's so hard to get incoming calls. You want to make the most out of every one of them. And when you blow it, it adds up. So you got messages coming in from everywhere. You got no real system to keep track of it. That's where something like quo makes a difference. Everybody on the team has one shared business number. So everyone can see the conversations, reply quickly, stay on the same page. No more. Did you answer that or. Who is handling this client?

[Mike]

You need this more than anyone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's basically a cleaner, smarter way to run your business. Communication without things slipping through the cracks. My son works for a company in New York and they use it and they swear by it. They love it. So try quo Q U, O for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.com papers. That's Q, U, O.com papers. Quo. No missed calls, no missed customers. Can I get a crinkle?

[Mike]

Yes, you're going to get a crinkle. You know what I just read? It's old news. Wait, what would we crankle? What would we crinkle? I have a little. I have a little note that was written to me by our friend's mom. This is from. I call her still Mrs. Stout.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Lisa.

[Mike]

And it was recommendations on books. So before I crinkle it, I'm going to read them to you. Feast of Love by a guy named Charles Baxter. All of Elizabeth Strout's books. Olive Kittredge, Burgess. Boyo, I am.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Olive Kittridge is amazing. I think I won the Pulitzer.

[Mike]

Oh, William. And tell me everything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, okay.

[Mike]

There we go. But we are going to use this beautiful note from her. Look at that wreath. I got it around Christmas time. Here we go. It's C. From by the Way, my reading continues. Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, good for you. What are you reading now?

[Mike]

I am reading a book that only because I've heard so much about it, is the only reason I haven't stopped. I think part of its art is making it the most boring thing ever. It's called Stoner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is it about a stoner?

[Mike]

Far from it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay.

[Mike]

Anyway, that's all I'll say. I'm sure a lot of listeners now are like, stick with it. I am gonna stick with it. And we'll see. But it's kind of all the rave. It's very in right now. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Anyway, well, I. I have just finished a book called the Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty, and it is incredible. Incredible. So. Well, Written such a fucking dark lead character. The protagonist is this woman who's so interesting. Highly recommend it.

[Mike]

And Cameron Crowe I finished and my recommendation is 4/5 of the book is awesome. The last fifth isn't so bad, but boy, is he. Listen, he's working through the grief over his mom and it got very personal in that. But it's like, man, I hate to say it, Cameron, but your mom cannot follow David Bowie. It's just that simple, right? You know, like, nothing against her. She's amazing. We all saw her. And Almost Famous. But, oh, my God, the first four fifths of that book.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. Put it up front.

[Mike]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Senior JP Morgan exec. Oh, no. This is your story, right?

[Mike]

Well, no, this is interesting. You read the part that's not highlighted because you put in the story before there was a massive update.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay.

[Mike]

Go for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A senior. So don't read the bold part.

[Mike]

No, you can read it. But I would, I would, I would hurry through it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because a senior JP Morgan executive has been accused of sexually assaulting, racially abusing and drugging a junior employee. And we are off the algorithm. Lorna Hajdini, 37, was accused of coercing a married banker and into non consensual and humiliating sex acts. All sex acts are humiliating if you're Irish Catholic. And threatening his career when he refused her advances. The accuser has been identified as 35 year old Chirayu Rana. So two, and this is Indian. On Indian, Rana has claimed that he was verbally abused by Hajdani after he broke down in tears and during one of the alleged unwanted sexual encounters. Hajdini, an executive director in JPMorgan Chase's leveraged finance division. That's big money. Alleged. Admitted to drugging Ronna with a date rape drug on multiple occasions. So she's in the leverage. She is good at leveraging.

[Mike]

Here's the update. Okay, JP and a lot of people sniff this out. A former JP Morgan staffer whom sources identified as Chiara Urana, has been accused of making fabricated sexual harassment claims against her after an internal investigation found no evidence of wrongdoing. Dude, he made it all up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course he did. You don't get an erection on a date rape drug. I mean, I could be wrong. I could stand corrected. But it seems to me if your eyelids are shut and your breathing is slowed down, you're not popping a boner. So no one's getting sexually molested.

[Mike]

He had accused her, as you said, of being a sex slave. Drugging him, roofing him viagra him. I mean, I say threatening to slash his bonus if he did not comply. He forced into encounter in the employee's apartment. He removed her shirt and insulted the employee. Oh, she removed her shirt and insulted the employee's wife. So have you read the things that he has come up with that he put in his boss's mouth?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just reading it now as you say it.

[Mike]

She took off her shirt and he knew his wife was Asian. And he said, I bet your little Asian fish head wife doesn't have these cannons. Wow. If you don't fuck me soon, I'm going to ruin you. Never forget, I effin own you. Also, he just received a text once in a while. Birthday BJ for the brown boy. My little brown boy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, so how do we know this is all made up?

[Mike]

Because they found no evidence. And now it's also been retracted. The whole. His whole suit has been retracted.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. It's the one sexual assault by a woman story we've had all year and it turns out to be fake.

[Mike]

And the one story you were referring to was when he, she also went off on him when she was going down on him and he couldn't get it up. And, and there was all this like crazy language kind of like we just read aimed at him. And so this is what we've learned now, that even in this guy's fiction, he can't get it up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, right, right.

[Mike]

You're not even a hero in your own story.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You know, you would think someone who commits hostile takeovers for a living would have a higher moral standard about all these things.

[Mike]

How about what the wife learned about her husband? Like that's what you wrote about me,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

right? Yeah. Can we, can we unpack this?

[Mike]

Honey, I'm your little Asian fish head.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, and that's a tough one to come back from. These are not cannons. What are these? Bullets?

[Mike]

But I'm also, I gotta say I was a little bummed out. This guy's good at numbers and writing. Like I very. I always envy those people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I gotta say, the, these are the. These are the lowest people in America. These leveraged finance people. They are literally the ones that come in and destroy small businesses.

[Mike]

Well, private equity from everything my algorithm is telling me is about to take the most massive hit ever. So.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you know, well, they were trusting buy up single family homes. They owned something like 20% of all home sales in this country. If not 40% are done by these private equity markets. And the government is trying to enact some legislation to stop it. Right? Now, but knowing how in bed they are with big money, let's see if that regulation ever happens.

[Mike]

By most metrics, the housing market in Florida, Texas, Nashville and California are going down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, of course. Because nobody can afford homeowners insurance anymore.

[Mike]

Oh, it's so. Yeah. And the interest rate, which is now going to be going up, they think again because of Treasuries. Okay, we are not a finance podcast. Do you have anything else to say about this story?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Why don't you move on?

[Mike]

A survey of 2,000Americans found that one in three say they're currently experiencing an existential crisis, with Gen Z leading all generations at 52%. Stressful was the most common word Americans used to describe 2026. So far, 35% of respondents said they've already absorbed an average of two major unplanned life changes this year. Bad bunny. Super bowl had to be won, but that was in the plus column.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I mean also Gen Z, you know, a major unplanned life change for Gen Z is like, they don't have oat milk, so now I have to use soy.

[Mike]

Yeah. Uber Eats was late.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Financial pressure is a dominant driver across all age groups, with a separate survey finding 87% of Americans believe the country is in an affordability crisis and half struggle to pay basic bills.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Despite widespread anxiety, half the people in the country struggle to pay basic bills. That's profound. That's a lot of people.

[Mike]

I. Something else came across my feed. Of course it's feeding me what I want to read, but there was a study done. I'm not going to remember what city, but the amount of people who were late on car payments they have an exact percentage was alarming.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. No. People are living paycheck to paycheck and AI is taking jobs. So I don't know where this ends. There's going to be universal minimum health minimum payments to people pretty soon.

[Mike]

I also saw a story of a well to do guy in New York City. He has two kids and he's like, well, I'm opting out here. You can relate to this, Greg. More, more than most. He's like, here is my health care situation. The deductible was insanely high.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it's the same as mine. He was paying. He was paying 40 or $50,000 a year for his two kids.

[Mike]

I saw the clip and he's like, I. And he broke it down. He's like, it was basically 2,800amonth or whatever is. So I'm going To put that 2800 month aside, save it. And also, you know, with that deductible, it makes all the sense in the world that you want to have insurance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but the problem is one of your kids gets diabetes, which is a lifelong disease. It takes a lot of medication, or, you know, you've got a fucking, you know, heart defects and, you know, needs a million dollars. Like, you can't, you can't do that.

[Mike]

The only way, disown your kid, get

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

them below the poverty line, put them down. There are co ops that people do where you can get a collective of a thousand people and everybody puts it into a pool. They hire a small, you know, management company to deal with the money and then you're not. And then that's enough of a cushion unless, you know, everybody gets sick.

[Mike]

Oh, I love that. I love when it's smaller because now, of course, everyone's like, who's weighing down the system and all that. But if it's like, imagine if it was a commune like, like, like the retirement place that Malloy's at. Yeah. Like where, where you'd see them eating in the, you know, in the common areas, and he'd be like, surely don't have that piece of pie. Like, sure, you, your, your diabetes is now going to type two. It's, it's killing us. It's. It's killing us. Put the pie down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, I mean, that's how it is. The longest living people in the world, they have these areas and they call them something zones. And the people that live the longest, there's a sense of community. They exercise together, they keep an eye on each other's. It is like what they're eating. It's community. It's the way it used to be where you talk to seven neighbors a day and you're exchanging information and you're checking on one another. And there, I mean, one of them was in Orange county, one was in China. Like these spots exist all over and they all have these things in common, these elements of a sense of community and, and accountability.

[Mike]

Yeah. Well, now it's like, I almost think the, the phrase with parenting and, and just generally should be like, talk to strangers. Yeah, we grow. We were growing up. It was like you had enough connections. So don't talk to strangers right now. It's like, Jesus Christ. Don't, don't pick weirdos. But talk to strangers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

From the second I get into my Uber until the time they drop me off, I am talking to my driver. Really, I don't even plan on it,

[Mike]

but as a Passenger.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know they, I. If somebody seems like they don't want to talk or they don't speak English, but if they speak French, I will have a conversation in French the entire ride.

[Mike]

What is it? And Spinal Tap, he's like, you know What? Sammy Davis Jr. Sammy Davis Jr's book is called like, I, I Could. I'm Slaughtering because it's based on one of his songs. But he's like, you know what? Sammy Davis Jerry's book should be going, I could because Frank said I could. And they're like in the wind. They just, they, they. They raised the window between the limo driver and the back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was. What was that actor's name? Very Italian name.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he died, too. He was great. Yeah, he was in When Harry Met Sally. Bruno Kirby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bruno Kirby.

[Mike]

Look at me, man. I should be taking drugs. The other thing I want to say about this story is, granted, it's a crazy world right now, but is this another example of this specific generation feeling special and that this feeling of dread in your 20s and 30s is unique to them?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

Hello. What do you think I was feeling when I'm like, I would literally, I could feel myself wanting to run through a wall listening to the Clash or everyone holed up in their room with Joni Mitchell's Blue. Like, what do you think that was?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I mean, in the 60s, people had, you know, in the 50s, it was all about nuclear war. You know, like planned drills where you stick your head between your legs in the coat closet in class. And, you know, every generation's had something, but they've had a lot. Like, I think about what my kids have been through with COVID school shootings, you know, just the environment, it. You know, it being sort of laid out. But, I mean, this says one out of three, all people. I mean, I. I'm not stressed out because I work in Hollywood and the business is doing great, and I think we're really on top of the environment. I think my kids are both going to be able to afford a house one day. I'm going to retire in five years, and Social Security will definitely be there.

[Mike]

It's a cakewalk.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Peace is about to break out in the Middle East. I'm fine, right?

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, and. Oh, and also everybody on my dad's side of the family dies by the age of 53, which may be good news at this point.

[Mike]

I know what you're saying about. And those are existential things. They really are. Nine, 11, when you're in Grammar school. That's a perspective changer, I give you that. But I do remember going to the Bronx, back to the Bronx to visit my grandmother. And it was a culture of. Every neighborhood lost someone in Vietnam, literally the person's gone. A brother in that house, a brother in that apartment, a brother over there. And like that. That was very. I mean, I was seeing neighborhoods, like, in mourning and, you know, when I was late to it, but it was still the repercussions of it. And. And that was a big one. Like, is it bigger than 9 11? I don't. I don't know. It was more personal in many cases.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, obviously a way more people died in World War II than Vietnam, but it was. I think that the narrative of it let people accept it more because it was a just war in, you know, in our minds, as opposed to Vietnam, where by the end of it, everybody saw it as, you know, these people died in vain.

[Mike]

It's kind of a funny sketch where then all of a sudden, someone walks in from, like, the Civil War. Error. Yes. Tell me more about your Vietnam setbacks. More people died on the weekend skirmish at Gettysburg than in the entire Vietnam War.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's true.

[Mike]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, 600,000 people died during the Civil War. It was insane. But at least we'll never have another one, right?

[Mike]

Yeah. I don't think the Civil War is now very confusing. I don't think people know who they're shooting anymore.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I was thinking when we heard

[Mike]

a lot of the right is mixed now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, it used to be north and south, and now it's going to be red and blue. But if you look at the states and where they will line up, there's not a single state that's changed sides in 150 years. The next Civil War will be the same lineup as the first one.

[Mike]

You can thank us. We are not. We chose not to talk about this Supreme Court fucking bullshit that's going on and the despicable, shameful setback to this country. So we're not going to go there. That's all I'm saying. But it's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A former top scientist from Harvard has defected to China, giving China the edge in a global race to develop the world's first AI super soldier. I want to see that movie. Charles Lieber, the former chair of Harvard's chemistry Department, has resurfaced as the founding director of Shenzhen's Institute for Brain Research Interfaces and Neurotechnologies, also known as ibrain. Scientists in the military wing of the Chinese Communist Party have been working on brain computer interfaces. Lieber is one of the world's leading researchers in the field to boost mental agility and situational awareness to engineer super soldiers. Lieber was convicted in 2021 of lying to the feds about his ties to China and retired from Harvard in 2023. Anyway, he's been getting this money from China for a while and hiding it from the IRS. And so he is now in China making $750,000 a year to set them up. And it's like, first of all, why do the Chinese need AI super soldiers? Have you seen these fuckers do kung fu? They, they, they are super soldiers.

[Mike]

All right. In reading this story this morning, I came up with my joke, which was I. When I saw the 28 Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing, I was. One of my thoughts was, we should just surrender like white, white, flat. I still don't know what I'm watching when I watch that thing. And having now seen a bunch of Olympics since that are pathetic. They're like junior high school attempts at putting on a show like the Chinese did. But I literally think if that were like in some battlefield and you're ready to go, like almost like the opening scene of like Gladiator. And then this one general comes out, they meet in the middle and he's like, hey, listen, we just want to show you a little thing we cooked up. It's not violent, it's a little. Actually, it's entertainment. We just want to show you this. And then they put on what the Chinese put on in Beijing. The other side would just lay down like we. This is like, this is like what they're talking about. It's like a AI robot. It's next level.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes. And.

[Mike]

And just go. It's one of those things. Listen, I live alone here. Sometimes I'll have one too many wines or whatever and I'll be like, fucking. Let me watch a crazy music. Let me watch what? Like where I'll get stoned and be like, let me put on something that's going to blow my mind. It is kind of remarkable how many times I will put on the Beijing opening ceremony.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No way.

[Mike]

Oh, no, no. There's so many levels to it. It begins with the drummers. Nevermind. Then the Godzilla footprints crossing the city that gets to the stadium. But the thing was. And this last thing I'll say about it is when these drummers. And then there's, by the way, a whole, A whole planet comes out of the floor at one point and then it turns into an Aquarium. But anyway, when these drummers. And then the boxes. When these drummers finish and you're just like. It's kind of like, you know, oh. Oh. Those chants that the rugby teams do when they finish, it's the most intimidating thing ever, I think, strategically. Go, watch it. They had the men wave like, thank you. Like, it was the queerest, most effeminate wave ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wait, what guys were waving?

[Mike]

The drummers. Like, the drummers go, do, Do. And they finish, and you're just like, that. That thing could take over the earth. Like, that's the scariest thing I've ever seen. Then they're like, thank you. Thank you. And they wave their hands all fluid like noodles. And it's like. I think they were just like, oh, look, I'm human. I'm human. It's like catching a snake eating something. And then it'd be like, oh, no, I want to be pet. It's like, you're eating my cat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that's what they're going to do when we meet them in battle. They're going to fucking mow us down. And then. What did you say? Flop their arms around like wet noodles.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, like. Like, they're just. It was incredibly. It was the opposite of, like, intimidating.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Like, they.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They.

[Mike]

It was a complete switch. Like, it was the most badass thing through the last drum beat, and then they just wave like girls.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hilarious. Yeah. All right, let's do an ethical question.

[Mike]

Girls with noodle arms. Okay, here we go. Ethical question. We got a couple, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We had male. We had mail on the ethical question from last week. I could have put this under corrections, but I put it here. I reckon you're going to hear from other listeners on this one. On a previous episode, you posed the exact same ethical question to Mike about whether he would save his daughter or his niece if they were drowning. You also followed it up with the same. Same anecdote about catching your son and your nephew. Not my nephew, but my neighbor falling and buying him a Spider man suitcase. The fact that Mike didn't notice the repetition confirms that you're both in the early stages of dementia. Take it. Eash.

[Mike]

Probably.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you not remember that I told that story?

[Mike]

No, but listen, I. Very often I'll try to remember to apologize. Like, I've talked about that Chinese Beijing Olympics before we repeat things. I mean, shame on him for listening every week, right? What do you notes?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Get a life Smart List. Smart List is available for free.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You get three really big celebrities who do not need the money taking ad Revenues from, you know, grassroots podcasts that have been going for 15 years. So go listen to them. Support guys that are also doing Rolex commercials.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And voiceovers in Pixar movies where they're paid $3 million. Go support them.

[Mike]

Who has dementia? Us or the guy that forgets how bad we were six days earlier?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike]

Come on. All right. New ethical question has never been asked on this program. A homeless person's pet needed help. Should I have tried to buy it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of course. Yes.

[Mike]

The sub. You know, I'm not going into the article. The sub headline is, I could tell that the man loved his cat, but also that he was unable to provide proper care for it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it's a win, win, win. It's a win for the homeless guy, it's a win for the cat, and it's a win for you. You take it. You. You know, if you take it to a humane society, they will pay. It doesn't even cost you money. They will pay for the. I shouldn't say this, but I know a lot of times they pay for medical care for feral cats, which I would consider. That's a feral cat. Not the.

[Mike]

Not the human owner. Don't. Don't be confused. The animal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm talking about the animal. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the humans fucked. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Well. And we've said this joke on the program before. I think it's Norm McDonald's. The. But he talks about the homeless man with a dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And the look on the dog's face is like, I could have done this on my own. I like to think of this ethical question, though, that should I have tried to buy it and it turns out he stole it instead? It's a much easier ethical question then. Okay, I had an affair with my wife's mother. My friend's wife. Should I tell him now? Hold on. Important sub something. So it's not as much of a slam dunk. I didn't even know he was married, let alone to her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting.

[Mike]

Do you want to hear one more detail?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

It's not a joke. Not. First line of the article. Not long ago, I met a woman entirely by chance in an art class that I wandered into.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So she. She was married. Do we know if she was married to this guy, the friend at the time?

[Mike]

Yes, she was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So if they must not have been good friends, or he would have known his wife. So these are. This is a casual friendship, so I don't think there's any need for him to tell a casual friend that he had sex with A wife unknowingly.

[Mike]

I agree. Also, I think it's on the married guy. Any wife who's taking an art class at night, there's something going on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

My mom used to take art classes at night.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And she went to one. And my. Our neighbor, Dr. Schaefer was in the class. I mean, you got to remember, my mom is very Catholic. And there was a nude model who took off all of her clothes. And my mother was horrified that she was sitting with our neighbor, who she didn't. We don't. We were not close to Dr. Schaefer. He was very shut off. He was not a warm guy.

[Mike]

Especially when Dr. Schaefer started performing an exam, an unwanted exam on the model.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right.

[Mike]

All right. Those are the ethicals.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay?

[Mike]

We got this day in history.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We got.

[Mike]

Or this Entertainment stories.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's do this entertainment story. Yeah, hold on.

[Mike]

Let me find a little rat. Oh, yeah, I haven't done that. All right. I saw this. I thought it was really funny. We were in the writers room this week, and all of a sudden alert came on, like, just from like, Variety or Hollywood Reporter. And it had this story. I'm like, I bet this story has already been optioned. Pavel. To Lankin, co director and subject of the Academy Award winning Mr. Nobody against Putin. It was a documentary. Says his trophy vanished after TSA agents forced him to check it, and then the airline lost it to Lenkin, who was flying home to Europe out of New York's JFK airport on Wednesday. Claims airport security refused to let him take his statue on board as a carry on and forced him to check at. The award was packed into a small box and put at the bottom of the aircraft. When he arrived in Frankfurt, it was gone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Meanwhile, you can. You can bring a fucking. You can bring a Dalmatian named Oscar on the plane, but you can't bring an Oscar.

[Mike]

I know. And he. Anyway, the story goes on to say other flights have let him bring it on and all that stuff. So what the hell was the problem here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But last seen in Queens somewhere. There's a pawn shop in Queens with a gold statue on the shelf. I mean, look, the government didn't pay these TSA people for 90 days. What did you think was gonna happen? Go to any pawn shop near an airport, I guarantee you it's gonna be a gold mine. There's gonna be slightly used suitcases, $2,000 skis, Greg Fitzsimmons pins.

[Mike]

Oh, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, I like it.

[Mike]

Someone in the room goes like, that's ridiculous. They didn't Let him go. Like, what could he possibly do with the Oscar on a flight? I'm like, probably get blown in the bathroom, I'm guessing. Or he just walks around with his Oscar in his hand asking people, what are you watching? Yeah, not that great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Or maybe the producers from La La Land took it. Remember moonlight took theirs away.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, that's right.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That was a great moment.

[Mike]

Okay. We're gonna make America. Florida.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, there we go.

[Mike]

Central Florida man exposed his genitals at a Chick fil a drive through. The victim told deputies she was handling the customer, handing the customers food, and saw his exposed genitals with a bluish green circular object which she believed was a sex toy around his penis. It might have been the penis too. They later spoke with the guy at his home and he admitted to going through the Chick Fil a drive thru earlier that day. He also confirmed that he owned a bluish green vibrating sex toy which he had with him in the car. However, he denied that he was wearing it at the time and he denied having his genitals exposed. But during subsequent interviews, he revealed he had indeed been wearing the sex toy while heading through the drive through, claiming to have been testing a mode on the sex toy which would adjust the vibration speed based on how fast he was traveling. He stated that he did not believe his genitals or the device would be visible under his shorts, but it was may have accidentally popped out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now, in terms of the vibration being dependent on the speed, do you want the vibration more intense at high speeds or does that make you out of control and you really just want to getting you aroused when you're at a red light?

[Mike]

I think it's like the radio. The radio. You know, radios can adjust now and they get quieter when you go slower. I think it's tied to the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That I would think that, you know, Chick fil a, they always ask you if you want to eat it in the car. I got to think with your balls and shaft hanging out, you don't want the deep fried chicken about a foot and a half above where you're. Where you're eating it.

[Mike]

Yeah. Chick fil a, meanwhile, has done nothing. They were originally up in arms, but they thought the employee was a man, a guy. So they thought it was gay and they were going crazy. Then they found out it was just a female employee. So that's fine. That's fine for Chick fil a. Well, I just don't want people getting excited in a homosexual arrangement.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's why they're Closed on Sundays. I swear to God, every Sunday I get a hankering for Chick Fil A and it's closed. And I just go, seriously? Really?

[Mike]

I remember on the. All our east coast listeners will know this. Was it Stewart's root beer or there was another one on the Jersey, all the Jersey highways. And it was in rest stops. It was in the rest stops on like the Jersey Turnpike and all these places. It was like Stewart's root beer, something like that. And you could pull in and it's been around forever. And they were, because of religion, they were closed on Sundays. I'm like, you're closed on a Sunday on the interstate system and all along the Jersey shore. Are you insane?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In the most Jewish state in the country. Also, like, you know, There was. What's, what's the senator or the congressman from Texas Tat. Tat Something.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sharp. He was a football coach, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tat. Anyway, he was questioning in a, in an open, in an open forum thing. He was questioning this legislator that was putting through a Ten Commandments bill for the schools. And he goes, okay, so just to go through the Ten Commandments, what, which is the Sabbath day. And she goes, it's Sunday. And he goes, and what's today? And she says, Sunday. And he goes, so you're telling these kids, you want to post a rule in their school telling them not to do something that you are doing now to get it to happen. And he. And he picked apart like three of the commandments that she was breaking at the time.

[Mike]

I saw James Talarico do this. Is that who you're talking about?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's who it is. That's who.

[Mike]

He's from Texas and he's very, very religious. So he had such authority. And he dismantled her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes, it was great. And he's been on Rogan a couple.

[Mike]

Rogan loves this guy, dude, he's a future superstar. I mean, hopefully there's no skeletons in his closet. He's so articulate. He's so articulate. He. Unlike me, you can, you, you can't tell he's about to destroy someone. Like, it's not. You don't see the veins in his neck. He does it in such a nice way. Very, very clear headed. He's. Yeah, it's like, there's way less of an ego there. But he also used Jesus against her. He's like, you know what it then says? And he would, he would cite the passage where it's like, do not under any, like, do not push this religion. Very personal. It's private, should not be outside of your house or place of worship.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he's like, and about adultery. She goes, he goes, are you aware of any of the Christian senators engaging in. He broke down everywhere. It was so great.

[Mike]

Oh, lying. All of it. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay. We're going to make America Wisconsin again. Here we go. This came in from Brian who who emailed it to the Fitz dog. Hey man, let's make America Wisconsin. This is what Brian says here. We've got a kid who apparently crawled into a claw machine and had to be rescued. So Madison, Wisconsin, two year old boy was safely rescued by the fire department after becoming trapped inside the claw machine at Cool Sweet Treats. The toddler crawled through the prize retrieving opening and firefighters freed him within two minutes without causing damage to the machine or injuring the child. So the footage is of this kid in there and he's sitting with the stuffed animals in this claw machine. And immediately I thought this looks like a game that would have been at one of Epstein's parties. Can you get the toddler out and it's yours. You win them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the saddest part is they had to call the fire department because the parents ran out of quarters.

[Mike]

And this, this is absolutely true. I don't know if I, I'm bragging or if I'm ashamed of this or maybe both, but when I saw the footage of it looked like a little Asian kid, I'm like, oh, this is fake. Because it did look fake. I'm like, how did he get in there? And I then. But my mind went to. I don't think that's happening. I don't think that's happening on an Asian parents watch with their two year old. And then I saw the boy's name was Lohan Gutierrez and I'm like, not that it's Hispanic, it's like, oh, non Asian. It's one of us. Like I could be in that thing. I don't have Asian parents. You don't have Asian parents, Greg, we could have easily been in that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. Now we could have been anywhere. I mean they wouldn't even know. I, I got lost at the mall a couple times with my.

[Mike]

Oh no, me too. Yeah, you know that great Ronnie Dangerfield joke. He's like, he's like, I was at the mall when I was a kid and I got lost and I went up to the police officer said hey, I lost my parents. And the cops like, oh, we'll try kid. But there's so many places they could.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Mike]

This day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's. Yeah, let's do this day in history right now.

[Mike]

All right. I think we have some. Okay. Ones, which I normally don't say. All right. The first Grammy Awards were presented on this weekend in. I'm not going to tell you who won. I'll tell you after. I want you to guess, give or take 15 years. When do you think the first Grammy Awards were presented?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

First Grammys, I gotta think.

[Mike]

Yeah, 15 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pre rock. I'm thinking pre rock, probably. So what's that, the 50s? Pre rock. I'm gonna go early 50s. 53.

[Mike]

Look at you, man. You did it. 59.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not who. Who won.

[Mike]

Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra and the Kingston Trio are the ones they list here. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I wonder what Sinatra won for.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, whatever album came out that year. He came out with, like, an album a year, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

He started really getting going. Okay, let's find another one here. We got. I don't want to do Luke Garrett. You're not great on the baseball. We learned.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, baseball's not really my thing.

[Mike]

The United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France, doubling the country's size. We paid 15 million, which bought about 828,000 square miles west of the Mississippi, give or take 50 years. When do you think America more than doubled its size?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, a lot of those states were around during the Civil War, so I know we own them then. So it had to be 17, late 1700s.

[Mike]

1780, 1803.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nice. How many years? You gave me 50 years. I did it.

[Mike]

You did. You did it. You're two for two.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay,

[Mike]

you're not gonna. Oh, God. The King James version of the Bible was first published, give or take 75 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, Jesus.

[Mike]

Well, there's a clue in the name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, well, St. Paul. I think St. Paul was around.

[Mike]

Hold on, let me reread the question. The King James version of the Bible was first published.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, so King James would have been British, right?

[Mike]

I'm guessing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, not necessarily, but maybe. So that would have been, I'll say, 1200 A.D. good Lord.

[Mike]

By the way, I would have just flailed and guessed, but it was 1611.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow. How many years did you give me?

[Mike]

75. The Kentucky Derby was televised nationally for the first time this weekend. In what year? I'll tell you. The winning horse was Hill Gale. H I L L, G A I L. That's a bad name for a horse. You can do better than that. Eddie Akara was the jockey. I kind of know that name. He's hall of famer, I think. Anyway, give or take 10 years. When was it first televised nationally?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

1951.

[Mike]

Oh, you're terrible. 1952.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey now.

[Mike]

Okay, last one. Margaret Mitchell won the Pulitzer prize for. For her enormously popular novel Gone with the Wind, which may was made into an Academy award winning motion picture. So what year did. So she won the prize. So I think it was the year it came out. Or probably the next year, I'm guessing. So what year are we talking about here, give or take 10 years?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, so obviously it was post world, post civil war, so late 1800s to early 1900s. I'll just split the difference and say 1905.

[Mike]

No, sir. 37.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Mike]

What I took out was two years later, it was made into the film.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That would have helped a lot.

[Mike]

It sure would. I wasn't gonna give you that. Napoleon you kind of know, but then you don't do well on the dates. Oh, here's one. We'll end with this one. And there's some built in clues here. English pop singer and songwriter Adele was born on this day in what year? Give or take five years. Now do you know what the clues are?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that she seems to be about 40, maybe late 30s.

[Mike]

Wait, do you know about her album?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Aren't they numbers like 16 and 13? Okay.

[Mike]

They're named after her age.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, okay, so 2013. I'm going to guess she was born in 1987. 88. There we go.

[Mike]

You did it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I said 40 years, so I subtracted 40 years from today.

[Mike]

God, how did she. So what is she, 38? How did she get. God, she got old fast. I mean, all of us did. I mean, her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She can't have no babies no more.

[Mike]

Wasn't it 20? Her first. The. The album that first came across my radar anyway. Okay, she's not gonna put out an album. 44. She better lose that gimmick.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right, here we go. Going to the obituary.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. Let's do it.

[Mike]

This is for those who know, but David Allen Coe, he was an influential and controversial outlaw country singer songwriter. He wrote Johnny Paycheck's big hit, Take this Job and Shove It. And he was a real sort of outsider. He had profane songs fully in the outlaw country genre. And it made it to 86. Man, he never looked good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All these outlaw country guys live forever. They live like fucking maniacs.

[Mike]

Except Cash. But Cash wasn't really outlaw. Yeah, Cash died so young. Holy shit. 71 or 2. And he looked.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Willie is just chugging along.

[Mike]

And Willie's Unbelievable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I found my ticket stub this week from going to his 90th birthday, and it's two years ago.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mike]

And I remember thinking, like, this is a day to day. Like, glad I got in. This is a day to day thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Probably Merle haggard lived to 79.

[Mike]

That's. That's old. Especially for that time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Mike]

So anyway, David Allen Coe. Great. All right, we're moving on. We're cheering up with the funnies. Here we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's share with the funnies. Every week we play the comedy caption contest. We give you one frame of a comic. You then write punch lines. You send them in to fitzdogradiomail.com we select or I select the finalists, which is not necessarily the best. It's just my mood. Whatever. I'm. Whatever's hit me that day. We appreciate all submissions. None are losers. These are just ones that might have appealed to me when I. When I read them. And then we read them here. We pick a winner, and that person, in theory, receives a koozie. So send in your. Your jokes and put your name directly underneath. That helps out a lot. First one comes from David or David. And it says. And. Oh, I described the cartoon. Frankenstein is sitting on a therapist couch. There's a female therapist sitting on a chair. She's got a notepad in her lap. Yeah, it sounds great. Have you ever actually looked at a horse's cock?

[Mike]

What? All right, speaking of that Kentucky Derby, do we want to watch it live or. No, I'm. I just press record.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, no, let's not watch. I don't think that's good podcasting.

[Mike]

I think it's pretty great. Us to come on. We'll play old radio, guys, coming up on the outside. All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right. I don't get that one. Tim Bagan says, wow. Mickey Rourke. Wow. Can we take a selfie together to post on my Instagram lot.

[Mike]

A lot of. A lot of. A lot of chips were placed on the Mickey Rourke look alike. I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I think the joke could have been much shorter.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jim Lentz said you don't have multiple personality disorder. You are multiple personalities.

[Mike]

Is he?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I think it's physical, but I get where he's going.

[Mike]

All right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Aldo Muniz said I could tolerate torches and pitchfork pitforks and pitchforks in person, but all the DMs are really bumming me out.

[Mike]

I like Aldos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay. Kenny Engel said, what I really want to do is direct. I love that because it's just very Hollywood.

[Mike]

It's it also could be put in any cartoon, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I mean, it would kind of make me chuckle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm going to therapy now, and I'm just sitting there going like, oh, my God, I'm 60 and I'm talking about my mother and father.

[Mike]

Yours is what I really want to do is die.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. DQ said, doc, is it weird that I get an erection every time there's a severe thunderstorm? Okay, Chili B. Says you can't blame everything on meeting Abbott and Costello.

[Mike]

Yeah, tough chapter. Tough chapter.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Michael Osborne said, can I call you Frank? Okay, Frank, you're not alone. Many people are frustrated with pickleball. Okay, fade out on that one. All right, I like. What I want to do is direct. What do you like?

[Mike]

I like Aldo Munia Munoz. Munoz. Who's probably not listening to me since I called Latino parents, Latin parents irresponsible. But hopefully Aldo is still here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I could tolerate pitchforks in person, but all the DMS are really bumming me out. Congratulations, Aldo. By the way, I have to defer to Mike picking the winners because tomorrow he will be my boss writing on the roast.

[Mike]

Gregory's coming in to write some jokes, people.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. So I gotta.

[Mike]

You're gonna hear tomorrow under a non disclosure maybe the craziest idea I've pitched and we got confirmation today that we think it's gonna happen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay.

[Mike]

It's very, very inappropriate. I shouldn't even put my name near it, actually.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is Don Rickles still alive?

[Mike]

We wish we they should have. That's something for a roast. It's a good idea. Yes. That would be great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Next week's cartoon is a bald gentleman. He's on the phone and he is wearing cowboy boots, a girdle, a jock strap, lace sleeves, a chain around his chest, and he's carrying a whip. And in the background there's a pair of handcuffs. What is he saying into the phone? He's talking. What's he saying?

[Mike]

Good one. I'm looking.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a good one.

[Mike]

I'm looking up the onion I saved. Hold on. There was a fucking great one. Oh, my God. This is kind of ties into my little rage rant earlier. Here we go. It's the Onion. Shot of the Supreme Court. Supreme Court overturns right versus wrong. That is such an incredible joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's great.

[Mike]

I mean, I feel like sign of an amazing joke is when it's like, how is that low hanging fruit still out there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah. I feel like the onion got stale for a while and now it's back with A vengeance. I feel like it's. It's needed now. And it's. It's really funny. Um, Hagar the Horrible is at a castle with his boys. The king is standing at the doorway. He's very upset. He goes, hagar, doesn't it shame you to have brazenly taken all but an ounce of the kingdom's gold? Hagar goes, ugh. It is shameful. Sven, go back and grab that ounce that we missed. Meanwhile, it's like, forget the gold. How about Hagar, are you ashamed that my wife is lying in the corner with her dress next to her, crying in shame with a sponge that she can't get herself clean with?

[Mike]

Maybe she's within an ounce of her life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Lockhorns are sitting at the bank talking to the guy. And he goes, legally, I can't show you your credit score without an attending physician.

[Mike]

It's funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's funny. And now they're sitting at the kitchen table and he's reading the paper, and the headline says, will the jets leave MetLife Stadium? And she goes, the jets aren't going to move cities, Leroy. They can't even move a football. All right, I put that in for you.

[Mike]

I was very excited, and I have to say, I expected more.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Along the lines of who would take them? Or, you know, something along those lines.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Finally, Blondie Dopey is sitting in his chair with his hands in his pockets. She's got her back to him. The nape of her neck is slender. The skin looks taut. And she says, honey, I've been trying to think of an easy way to tell you something. He jumps up out of the chair, he says, oh, no. Never begin a conversation that way. Even the dog is howling. He's on all fours, pounding the ground. Don't you know how scary that sounds? Sweetheart, sometimes it's important to carefully introduce a topic. And she goes, take it easy, honey. There's no need to be so dramatic. She goes. Then she goes, besides, I've already forgotten what it was about anyway. Then she goes, no, wait, I just remembered. You'd better sit down, honey. This inspired me. This gave me goosebumps. And it made me think about the possibility that she has come, Somebody has given her the Epsom salts of life, and she has looked at him and seen him in. In his stupid nakedness, his ineffectuality, his non sexuality, his stupidity. And she's finally going to go, honey, I'm out of here. And then the final frame is just her in a taxi, not Even crying. She's got a smile on her face.

[Mike]

She should take an evening art class.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yes. Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mike]

That's the next chapter. That should be the next season.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep. Speaking of next season, we start the next season of Sunday papers next week. We're very excited about that. It's season two.

[Mike]

We don't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know. Oh, no. We have no show. Thank you for saying that. The Roast of.

[Mike]

So here's what you can do, Kevin Hart. Sorry there isn't a show especially. It's so sweet. Some of you are so loyal. The Roast is live. Next Sunday. It's Mother's Day, and you can watch that. You'll see some jokes by both of us on the show, and that'll have to do, kind of.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So sit with your mother and watch racist jokes about a celebrity.

[Mike]

There's a lot of those. I can. I can guarantee you there's a lot of those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How long will it last? It's live, right?

[Mike]

I don't think I'm supposed to comment on the duration. I think it's scheduled for two and

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

a half, so it'll go three easily.

[Mike]

I don't know. I mean, we're really trying to keep it to time.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. All right. Very exciting. I hope everybody watches and enjoys. Spread the word. And don't forget also to support our sponsor, Quo Q U O. You're gonna get 20% off your first six months and get it for free as a trial when you go to quo.com papers. Anything else you want to promote, Mike?

[Mike]

What do I. Well, maybe I'll promote the book. Stoner next time I see you. We'll see. Short book. 200, like 60 pages. So we'll see what happens.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, Sounds good. All right, we'll see you guys soon.

[Mike]

Take a leash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Take a leash. Give this dog a microphone.

[Mike]

Turn him up and turn him on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hear ye, hear ye. Read all about it.

[Mike]

Good Lord.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Papers.

[Mike]

Socks on my arms. Socks. Socks. Where's the ice cream?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you not know?

[Mike]

But I don't know. Wait a minute, though. I'm wondering what the. What? Wait.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

About it.