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Greg Fitzsimmons
Expedia and visit Scotland. Invite you to come experience the beauty that awaits in Scotland. The sweep of wild coastlines, quiet lochs and untamed landscapes. Fresh cuisine that feels rooted in the land. Come experience the kind of stillness that stays with you long after you leave. Plan your Scottish escape today@expedia.com visitscotland I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.
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Mike Gibbons
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Greg Fitzsimmons
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Mike Gibbons
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Greg Fitzsimmons
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Mike Gibbons
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Greg Fitzsimmons
every Sunday morning. The podcast. That's right. Read all about it.
Mike Gibbons
Read all about it. No going back now.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Ooh, smell that ink. Smell that fresh ink. Coming off the Sunday papers, it's Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons.
Mike Gibbons
You know, still alive. Noah's worst Mike technique than I is the William sisters, who. You saw that on the roast. We couldn't even hear them.
Greg Fitzsimmons
There we go. Well, our lead story. According to Mike, the most important thing in the country.
Mike Gibbons
You wanted to. You wanted to move it down an hour and 15 minutes. I thought that was weird.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Um, the comedy night. It wasn't the comedy. It was the Netflix roast. How did Comedy Central just give up? They had. They had. Nobody watches the Daily show anymore. They had new programming constantly. They had Sarah Silverman doing A fucking sketch show. And they. And they lost the roast on top. They lost all the one hour specials. They were the network for one hour specials. And they just. What happened exactly?
Mike Gibbons
I don't know. They. I mean, they were always accused. The tag was they'd never like hold on a talent or anything like that. And yeah, I mean, HBO was kind of accused of that, believe it or not. I mean, they would do the young comedian special all the time. So they're finding Jerry Seinfeld. They're finding all these people.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Andrew Dice Clay and Bill Hicks. Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
And that was part of the reason they, you know, they found, in a way, found as a quotes, but, you know, Ray Romano. And they held on on that one.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
And like. And so HBO was a 1/3 producer, I think, of Everybody Loves Raymond, Right?
Greg Fitzsimmons
What was it called? Downtown HBO Productions. Yeah, hbo. Anyway, so we're here. We are where Netflix does the roast. You're the head writer. Congratulations. You did an amazing.
Mike Gibbons
You did a great job coming in and banging out a ton of jokes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, cut it out.
Mike Gibbons
And they got on.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I got to tell you, it was very impressive watching you because I've never seen you as a head writer before. I mean, you and I have worked on some projects together.
Mike Gibbons
You didn't even see me. I was. I was. I was in prison down the hall.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Now. You were in and out. You're in and out. You run a good room. It really. You make everybody feel heard. You keep it loose. You're funny. And. And then we had some issues. Can we talk about the issues with the writers after the roast? Is that something we're talking about?
Mike Gibbons
That's why we're not able to talk about a lot of jokes right now. There was a writer who came in for a day and then ran with publicity and granted interviews and talked about all these jokes that they claimed were cut, which is not true because they never made it in anyway. I have to even watch what I say now because it became a thing.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So basically you're not allowed to run around and say, here is a joke I wrote for the roast that they did not use.
Mike Gibbons
You know, that's happened. And, you know, last roast, I think I came on here and read really funny jokes that didn't make it. And Nikki Glaser goes on Howard Stern and reads the funniest jokes that didn't make the Golden Globes. It's just this time around, someone made a massive misstep. One of the writers. Writers is kind of in quotes. It was one day and no jokes Got on. But. And it's messed it up. It's messed that up because now people are involved and watching this because technically, even in the examples I just gave, the jokes are property of the. The companies that you. That hired you.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, also. So that was a big blow up. First of all, I should mention it's the number one show on Netflix and it has been for the past week. So congrats on that.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, I think Michael Che's helping keep that alive. And all the people.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's. The other thing is black writers are coming out and saying that Kevin Hart. The roast didn't have enough black writers. It was mostly white writers. How do you. How do you defend that?
Mike Gibbons
The. Right. I'd have to say it's one of the most diverse writing staffs I've ever been a part of or ever seen. We had. Who's counting? But we had nine black writers. So point to point a show out to me that had that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
An entire baseball team.
Mike Gibbons
That's not what I call them, by the way. I don't think you should call them that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So you have all these black writers, and then she lashes out. Anyway, he finds one picture with four white writers on it and he posts it. And meanwhile. Okay, I would like to see the writing staff that Kevin Hart puts together when he does his movies. Are they all black?
Mike Gibbons
How about who writes jokes that Michael Che reads for the first time on Saturday?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes, exactly. So that heated it up. That kept things in the news. That kept the show in the news as well. And then what was the other controversies that came out of the show? Obviously, there was a lot of drama between Chelsea Handler and then Tony Hinchcliffe and Shane Gillis. Did you get a sense before the roast that that that there was going to be some tension there?
Mike Gibbons
Yes. I mean, I. Again, I don't know if I can talk about that stuff, but what we did see, I can talk about what aired. You know, Chelsea's set seemed very defensive. I think she did well, but, like,
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think she did very well.
Mike Gibbons
There are a lot of jokes. And then, you know, sometimes Chelsea, you know, doesn't like. Doesn't let, like, facts or logic get in the way of her jokes, in my opinion. And so, like, you know, hitting. She was really hitting Tony and Shane a lot. And then saying things like that there were pussies who wouldn't go to a Middle east in a draft. They only go over there for the comedy festival as well. Shane and Tony did not go to the Riyadh Comedy Festival.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Mike, you're Getting caught up in details.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, I shouldn't do that. You just have to suspend a lot of facts when laughing at a. That joke.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right? Do you have a cold?
Mike Gibbons
You know, I guess I do, but I feel great.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay. Yeah, you kick. You kick my ass in paddle tennis two days ago.
Mike Gibbons
How about it, buddy? We got to get out there.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know what I realized, though? Bicycling home is you beat me six two in the first set, but then you beat me six five in the second set. We didn't. A 12th set.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, no, I think it was seven five.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Are you sure?
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, it was seven five.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
Mike Gibbons
It was a 40 love game. It was fast. Fast.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Last game, it was very fast.
Mike Gibbons
But that was fun being out there.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So what else? The. I went to. Well, what else about the Roast. Anything else?
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, I know, it's weird. I feel a little. I feel a little handcuffed and what I could talk about. But this is what I will say, man. My takeaways. First of all, Brady was awesome. And, you know, he loves Dickie, who's one of his, and Dickie was on the roast, and he kind of loves me. And then we were in touch with him that day. I mean, that's what he texted me, but we were in touch with him that week. And then when we saw the Knicks were going to sweep, Dickie came up with the idea of, like, oh, my God, should Brady walk out with a Knicks jersey? Because Tom. Because Kevin Hart's from Philly. The roots are from Philly. Big J Okerson's from Philly. More than that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Cheryl Underwood.
Mike Gibbons
Is she Philly?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think so. Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
Anyway, a lot of Philly fans were in the crowd, so we thought that would be great because the knicks swept the 76ers that, like, an hour before the Roast.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
So. And then to sweeten it, we got children's jerseys. And so that, in a way, was the first short joke fire or one of. And. And that was great work with Brady, But I'd have to say the high point for me was where our offices. As you know, we're in West Hollywood, so we send a script to Katt Williams, and all of a sudden we get a call. Let's. Let's meet and go over the script. And he goes, I want to meet at the forum at 9pm and I'm like, am I. Am I getting shot?
Greg Fitzsimmons
And the L. A Forum.
Mike Gibbons
The L. A Forum. Which we haven't even moved into yet.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah.
Mike Gibbons
And we just have to accommodate that, so.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And it's in the Worst neighborhood in la.
Mike Gibbons
We meet at the Forum in Crunch. Yeah, right. Inglewood, I guess, technically. And we. We go. We construct his set. And he is so goddamn funny. Like, he's just, you know, one of my comedy heroes. And at one point, we're like, talking about, like, listen. I go to him, I'm like, listen, fire. We have a crazy, lasers, unbelievable light show. And then he go. He talks about, well, I'll enter. Then he's like. He's like, you know, we want to hear his voice first. Like, oh, you invited the wrong effort of this. And you hear that first. Which worked and was great. It was a little wonky. And he goes. He goes. And maybe I'll. I'll, like, come out with that cape. And so we had a production person there who was like, all right, so you need us to get you a cape? And he just slowly turned. He's like, I have a cape, So that's great. And then I started telling him about all the fire and everything. And he's just closing his eyes, like, visualizing his entrance. And he's like, I'm about 20 seconds away from saying I'm entering on a Shetland pony. So. All right, anyway, cut to show day. I'm. I'm trying to get. And I'm running, like, basically right on time. And I. But I have to keep moving. And I get to this streetcar called Prairie, which is outside of the Forum. And. And all of a sudden, the light's about to turn green. And these are long lights on these big. It was Manchester and Prairie. And the light finally turns green. Two cop cars on motorcycles flying to the intersection. Tell everybody to hold back. Two more come stop traffic from going the other way. And then a police car leads these two black SUVs heading, flying south on PR. And I'm like, oh, man, is that J.D. vance or. I didn't know. The President will, like, you know, I'm assuming they're going to lax. So, anyway, I missed that light. I'm livid. I eventually pull in all that, all the trucks, all the cops. It was Cat Williams.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No fucking way.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Katt Williams gets a police escort.
Mike Gibbons
I mean, I think he's been shot at, right? I mean, I should know all this. So, yeah, anyway, I mean, I think he. I think it's his security, I think, you know, I don't think it's costing us anything. I think that's Cat Williams, how he rolls. So anyway, I. Then I'm told, oh, Cat wants to see you in his dressing room. So I go down his Dressing room. And I'm like. I go, hey. I go. I'm like, sorry, I'm late. I got at the Prairie and Manchester intersection. The light was about to turn green, and police pulled up and stopped everything because of someone's escort. He's like, you could have carpooled with me, motherfucker. He's just so great, man.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, he's the best. He's so good. Oh, yeah. Like, when we went through the script with him, he's like, so expertly, is like, I won't take that. I won't take that. And of course, he had his own stuff, but he said, I won't take that. And then we had a section that was about Diddy. And he just looks at it. Looks at it. At one point he's like, y' all some mean. And he goes, I'll take all of these.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, that's great.
Mike Gibbons
He kind of softened a joke. But I understand his logic because one of the jokes I loved that was on the show was, but how do you. How can you not love Kevin Hart? I guess you'd have to ask his dad. And what he did was he added himself to it because logically, that's true. His whole premise was he doesn't love Kevin Hart as well. So he's like. He's like. Well, that was. Would be two people, me and his dad.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Huh.
Mike Gibbons
But anyway, Cat Williams was a highlight for me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Tell me about his posse.
Mike Gibbons
No, Pretty. Despite everything I just described, none, really. Security and assistant, and just everything was unbelievably professional. I mean, he was the first guy there because that's when I'm. That's when I was arriving at work. Like, he was. Yeah, he was just great.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Can I tell you my Netflix is a joke comedy festival story?
Mike Gibbons
You got it, pal.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think I told you already. And I did say it on Fitz Dog radio, but I just wanna. In case people only listen to this podcast, I'll do a very brief version of it. So there's this big party called Ted Sarandos, who's the head of Netflix, probably top three most powerful guys in Hollywood.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, my God. Yeah, he's the kingpin out here now.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So he has this party, and his house is a fucking castle. It's one of the biggest mansions I've ever seen. The backyard is like a football field. They've got an enormous white tent set up. And he basically invites, like, the top 100 comedians in the industry to the party.
Mike Gibbons
It was crazy. I saw the pictures online.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God. So I show up and I'm not invited. I'm a plus one. Louis CK brought me as his plus one. So I'm immediately feeling less than. I am not one of the 100. I don't know if I'm one of the 200 or even the 300. I think I'm in the top 300, 200, 200. So I walk in and. And first of all, I got my Mustang, and I just had it waxed the day before. So I'm pulling up feeling like, all right, we're badasses. I got some ZZ Top on. We pull up to the valet, and then as we're getting out, as we're getting out, Earthquake pulls up behind us in a 12 ton Rolls Royce, white and shinier than mine. And we walk in and, I mean, first person I see is Eddie Murphy. Then I see David Letterman. Then I see.
Mike Gibbons
It's crazy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know, Chelsea Handlers there.
Mike Gibbons
Chappelle.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Chappelle, Adam Sandler. Anyway, it's crazy. And so me, I walk in with Louie and immediately Chris Rock comes over and he just starts riffing on the party, and he's fucking hilarious. And so there's a small crowd of people kind of standing around listening to him. And then I, I, you know, and I see a bunch of people that I know really well, like Wanda Sykes I hadn't seen in years. So she and I are like, you know, locked off. And then I see Tom Segura. So me and Tom Segura are standing on this open area and this bar in front of us. And then all of a sudden, Ted Sarando starts his speech. And like I said, the place is fucking huge. I have no idea where he is. There's no stage. I figured maybe he's on the other side of the tent.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And then I look to my right, and he is standing maybe 12ft from me. And I am now looking at him, and he's giving a speech. But every 20 seconds, he looks in my eyes. He just keeps looking in my eyes. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So I look to my right, Tom Segura is gone. I look around me and I am on a dance floor by myself. There's nobody within 20ft of me. And I look like the special needs kid at his cousin's wedding. And I realize, why? What?
Mike Gibbons
You should have started dancing. Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And I'm like, I don't know how to stand. I'm crossing my arms. Then I'm putting one hand in the pocket. I'm shifting and then I finally just, like, slink away, and Segura is at the bar, and he's crying. He is laughing so fucking hard at me.
Mike Gibbons
Unbelievable. You stood out, pal. Then I saw you posing in a picture with Ted Sarandos.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
Mike Gibbons
How about that?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Sure. Yeah. There was a picture.
Mike Gibbons
Likes you. I mean, all that eye contact.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, Louis introduced me to him, and it was literally like he could not possibly have given less of a fuck about meeting me. And so that. But, you know, he wanted to talk to Louis. Louis suddenly in business with Netflix. And so it was kind of. Ted was all up Louie's ass, which was, I think, really great. So it was great. It was a great party. And then they take the picture. So they have these bleachers set up, and they've got the hundred comedians all on the bleachers. And Louis, like, come on. I go, I can't stand the picture. I'm not. I'm not part of the 100. I go, what am I gonna do if they see me? And he goes, well, if they do see you, I'm not fighting for you. So I go, fuck it. And I'm standing there next to Fred Armisen and Theo Vaughn, and Sagura is in front of me, and they. This stupid idea of everybody gets a colored ball. And as they're shooting the photo, everybody throws the ball at the camera. Great. So now there's balls blocking people's faces. And as they do it, Sagura raises his fist in the air. So all you see of me is, like, my glasses and hat and his fist covering my entire face. So he fucked me twice at one party.
Mike Gibbons
Well, it's better than if, like, all the balls blocked every face except yours. That would have been the photo. Just you just staring.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God. So there was a note from Liz, who's a big fan of the show. She's from Philly, so she's not a big fan of yours. Yeah, the roast was great. Absolutely hilarious. I thought Shane Gillis sucked as the host. He kept pointing out that he didn't write the jokes. And how many times did he have to tell us he talked to Cheryl Underwood to get her permission for some jokes? Grow some balls. Curious what you thought of Michael Che's response to it all. Great job, Mike. Also, I'm from Philly, so. Fuck Mike. Take it ish.
Mike Gibbons
Well, I mean, it's perfectly Philly. I think he got a lot of that wrong. I think Gillis actually did really well. And. And I think he needed to point out that. I mean, it was funny. When he was pointing out that he contacted Cheryl Underwood, he didn't. None of it wasn't funny. She was so mortal. He. He was recognizing what a crazy concept it was to go there about her husband's suicide. But I will say, when the writers room, you know, we get bios on these people and sometimes we don't need them, but, boy, did we need the Cheryl Underwood bio.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And.
Mike Gibbons
And I mean, when you get that bio and like, it was like, we got at the same time. And you'd hear one writer like, okay, we're good. And it was because it detailed her husband killing himself. And we just were just like dogs on a scent, just all over that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah. I got to say, in my opinion, she had the set of the night.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, there's no doubt. She was the breakout. Did you see yesterday? Yesterday was announced she has a Netflix special.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No way. Of course. That's amazing.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Good for her. And also, I was psyched that the guy from the Plastic Cup Boys did so well.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, Naim, man was great. I went in. He was great. I went in his trailer, his dressing room, basically, before he went out there, just to check on him and be like, we. We love this set and it's so great. You need anything. And he was in a good space.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, good. Yeah. That was a sleeper. Nobody expected that, man.
Mike Gibbons
You have to go on his Instagram. Naim Lynn's Instagram. First of all, the writers room loved that. We see his. It's N A apostrophe IM name Lynn and L, Y, N, N. And so we just, for like two weeks would be like, nah, I'm lying. Like that. That's his name. That's what it spells. Nah, I'm lying. We're like, he should have a whole bit, which is, nah, I'm lying. And anyway, he was awesome. But go on his Instagram, he tore apart. He's like, what's going on here? And he has a big picture of Michael Jordan behind him with the bloodshot eyes. And he just fucking roasts Michael Jordan about what an alcoholic he is. And he's like. And what's up with it? Look at these eyes. Does he have eye abilities?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Dude, Chappelle is going to come hard for him.
Mike Gibbons
I can't believe that's not more in the. I mean, when the room read that joke, we're like, oh, man. And Chappelle was gonna be there. They were looking for dressing rooms. Like, you know, he came to the last row. So anyway, I'm speaking not as an official of the roast. I just know there was a lot of chatter about the possibility of him
Greg Fitzsimmons
being there, and it wasn't one joke. He did the thing about Chappelle's wife being trans. Oh, I know. His last special had no jokes in it.
Mike Gibbons
I know. And Shane was really funny about. He's like, I'm sure he'll let go of that one. I'm sure. I'm sure Chappelle will let that roll right off.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah. Quick story. I went on a hike on Monday, and it was me. I got a poker group. It's like. It's like all the guys in my neighborhood, we. We've been tight for 25 years and we have a poker game. Anyway, one of the guys in our group 10 years ago went on a hike. Like, you. Like the fucking idiot you are. He hikes solo up in the Sequoia Mountains.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, it scared me, this story.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So he went on a hike 10 years ago by himself, and he slipped on top of a waterfall and he fell and he died. And it was really tragic. He had two young kids and. Anyway, so we kind of memorialize him by doing the hike every year.
Mike Gibbons
It's a better story than Cheryl Underwood's hike husband, but go ahead.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, this was an accident. So we go up and. So this year we had. We haven't done it a few years, and, you know, we're getting up there. You know, I'm. I'm probably the youngest of the group. Some of the guys are like, early 70s, so. And the hike is about nine miles round trip, and it's hilly as fuck. It's actually next to a river that is the steepest river in the United States. And so we go up there, and it was supposed to be 68 degrees, there was a spike, and it was in the 90s. And so we start the hike, there's nine of us. And we start up and we go about a mile, and then up ahead, we come over a hill, and three of the guys are sitting down. And I come up and one of them is convulsing. He's completely unconscious. He's thrown up all over himself. He's being held up by another guy. He's sitting down and being held up, and he's unconscious for four or five minutes. And as soon as we see it, Matt Malloy, being a fucking hero, doesn't even hesitate. Turns around and sprints a mile down the hill, is screaming to get rangers together to find a medic. He. There's a. There's a gate that's blocking the Trail. He almost got in his car and broke the gate down to get the medics through. And anyways, then he runs up the hill a mile, Cat with armfuls of water gets up there. Josh has kind of regained consciousness, but he can't sit up. And we drag him into the shade. And then we get up there and curveball story. Well, that's what. That's. That was the joke is like, we're just gonna thank God this is exactly on the 10th anniversary, so we can kill two birds with one stone next year. And each year we just lose another guy. And so nine paramedics show up and they're taking his vitals. They give him an iv and it was fucking crazy. And so we just. We called it a day. We did. We didn't do the hike. We came down and, you know.
Mike Gibbons
Unbelievable. That's so dangerous.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
Like, I thought when I've. And whatever. Whether it's solo camping or even when you're with. Like. I remember going backcountry. So we hike 10 miles in, and the only way to anything towards civilization is 10 miles away. And. And we saw a ranger there. And, like, what happens? A guy, you roll your ankle. You know, you have £40 on your back. Rolling an ankle could be a really easy thing to do. You're. You're literally in rivers, crossing them, lots of them, if you're going before August. And. And the guy's like, yeah, he's like, hell, it wouldn't be helicopter. It would probably be horse to get you out of here.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No shit.
Mike Gibbons
And, yeah, you have to wait for the horror. Like, it's. It's bad. Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Meanwhile, there's no. There was no cell reception where we were, so we couldn't call for help.
Mike Gibbons
Right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And. And the guy who. I gotta say, the guy who passed out, he was wearing heavy jeans. We told him to put a hat on three times. He was not wearing a hat. He had. Had. He had no fucking liquid for breakfast. So, you know, it was kind of his fault.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah. Oh, absolutely. No, that's crazy. And it's all about. How many times can you hear hydrate? I mean, it's so annoying, but, yeah, for a reason.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. So who's basically hydrated?
Mike Gibbons
I told you very quickly it was interesting. So Laura, George and I, we go. This is, you know, 25 years ago, we go to the Grand Canyon and we hike. And. Oh, my God, they could keep talking about was hydrate, hydrate. We're like, we get it. Like, we're. We got it. Thank you. And. And we were. We were going to hydrate when we brought our water. So anyway, we then were on the rim and you start to go down, and you go down. And so what you do, I mean, without thinking is, you know, when you're about, all right, we should probably turn around because that's probably half the juice I got for a comfortable hike or whatever it is. So we turn around and just really never put together. This is a reverse hike from what we're normally used to, which is hiking up and then you hike down. Dude. We ran out of water halfway back up and were not happy. It. We were hurting. It was. It's just an interesting thing that we didn't put together. Like, oh, yeah, we're doing the easy part. And we overdid it on the easy part. Down.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, I forgot to mention, our friend who died, Dave Halanan, his son was with us who's 26.
Mike Gibbons
Oh.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And. And so I was worried it was gonna be, like, traumatic for him to look because I'm sure it was very emotional for him to be doing this hike with us. He. He. I don't think he'd ever been up there to see where it happened. And he was a champ. He was. He was making jokes about it probably
Mike Gibbons
would have felt better if Josh died. I mean, it's kind of like, yeah, wow. My dad was a bad. Like, the hike didn't get him.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right, Right. All right. Logo this week. I don't know if we ever published this one before, but I was going through the old folder and I found this one from George, who's GS Artworks. Fucking amazing logo. I think if we ever pick a permanent logo, this might be it. And then we got a song from Cuckoo King. Cuckoo. Did you listen to that one?
Mike Gibbons
Oh, my God. Yeah. It's sounds like a cruise ship ad, but in a very bouncy, jaunty reggae way.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's fun. He did the melody and the lyrics. I think he might have had a little bit of assistance, but he did the melody and lyrics, which were very fun. Corrections. We had Rick say, thoroughbreds in the United States have to be born from two horses. Fucking no insemination or jacking off horses.
Mike Gibbons
I did not know that. And boy, man, if you look at some of the stats, you would not guess that either. Because after we got off the podcast before the Kentucky Derby, I then saw the headline. There were 20 horses in the race. 19 were related to Secretariat.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Dang. Because we like a family get together,
Mike Gibbons
we talked about how many of the horses even are some of the from the same stable, basically and you know, place in Kentucky. But yeah, 19 are related, including the international horses that came in.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He's like the Genghis Khan of horses, I guess.
Mike Gibbons
Is there a thing with Genghis Khan?
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's what, like I have one. I'm 99% Irish, 1% Asian. And I kind of. I googled it and they said, oh yeah, like a third of the world has Genghis Khan's DNA in them.
Mike Gibbons
What went on there? Was he a prolific.
Greg Fitzsimmons
The Mongols. The Mongols, they invaded. The Mongols were on something like four of the continents at one point.
Mike Gibbons
So it's kind of his. His group were related to his posse and then you're considered related to him. Literally his DNA.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I heard his DNA, but it may just be Mongol DNA. The Mongols were graping everywhere. And then we got Eric in Bethesda, said champagne is not opened with a corkscrew ever. I don't know what that references, but we must have said that you opened champagne with a corkscrew.
Mike Gibbons
I don't remember that. Maybe I, maybe we slipped up and said that. I bet, I bet there's sparkling wine. Is there any sparkling wine where you would use a corkscrew?
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know what's crazy is we were at the Malloy's the other night and they popped some champagne. Guess where it was from. And it's, you know, champagne has to
Mike Gibbons
be from the region.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It has to be from the region of France specifically, or you can't use the word champagne.
Mike Gibbons
Jalisco champagne.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It was Costco. Kirkland. Kirkland Champagne.
Mike Gibbons
Right, right. Well, they're, they're. No, they're throwing their name on and then the whole thing is guess which champagne Kirkland threw their label on.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right.
Mike Gibbons
That's what happens with tequila. Also because tequila. Do you know tequila is the same exact thing as champagne? It has to be from Jalisco.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh no shit. Really?
Mike Gibbons
Yep.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Damn.
Mike Gibbons
Maybe it's. Maybe it's to be called Blue Agave Tequila. Anyway, yeah,
Greg Fitzsimmons
and this comes from turf. The places in the world where people live the longest, AKA people who live to be a hundred, are called blue zones. We talked about this. You're right about the connection to community and all that. But. But more importantly, they mostly consume plant based diets and they don't eat dairy. Blue zones are Loma Linda, California is the only blue zone in the U.S. so, huh.
Mike Gibbons
There might be one in Hawaii.
Greg Fitzsimmons
There's a lot of people that wrote in and said that this is bullshit, that the extreme longevity has more to do with poor record keeping than a good diet. Specifically in Japan when apparently they were bombed at some point and a lot of their records were lost. So that's where a lot of these blue zones are in Japan because people don't really know how old they are.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah. Became quite, quite a red and yellow zone for a brief moment there as the temperature soared.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Still a yellow zone. Tour dates Boston. I will be in laugh Boston on May 29th and 30th. Get your tickets right away. It's selling fast. Rochester, New Hampshire at the Opera House, June 5th. Take your time on those tickets. So gonna be a little bit of elbow room. Agunquit. Jonathan's in Maine on June 6th. Huntington beach just being announced now. Mamba on July 12th. Then I'll be in St. Pete's Cincinnati and Columbus in August, then La Jolla in the fall. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Come on. Also, we want to give a shout out to Gotham Productions who, who produces this podcast. They do an amazing job. Thank you. They were just out in LA for the comedy festival.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah. Saw Sam ran and Sam just adores you, man. I passed that on to you. Just like said you treated him well back when he was a nobody. And he's in a very Sam way. He's like.
Greg Fitzsimmons
He didn't.
Mike Gibbons
He had no idea who I was. He didn't have to be nice to me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
So that was great. And he's always so great to hang out. I mean, that guy holds. Holy moly. Where is he now? With the Knicks on this run. He must.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, my God.
Mike Gibbons
We talked about, we talked about them, but they had yet to sweep, I think.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, he said they're gonna fuck it up. He's already.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, that's a true Knicks fan. Well, that's where I'm at. But I, I am not. I have not been loyal to the Knicks. I actually had a life the last 40 years and, and had no hope for them.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, speaking of loyal, I am so loyal to try miracle sheets. Oh, my God. Miracle made. Miracle made sheets. They sponsor this podcast and I'm glad they do because they sent us some of their sheets. Let me tell you something. I run hot. I run cold at night. My wife runs hot. Menopause, it's cold. And these sheets, they cuss. I don't know how it works, but NASA designed these. And I'm not talking about the space program, I'm talking about in the Bahamas where it's hot and cold.
Mike Gibbons
What?
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, it's NASA. They use this silver infused fabric and it regulates the temperature and it's, you know, it's just something that you're in bed eight hours. I mean some people 10, and it's. And they get kind of disgusting like regular sheets. I was reading they collect a ton of bacteria and Miracle Made is designed to present 99% of bacterial growth. They're gonna stay cleaner and fresher longer.
Mike Gibbons
They feel amazing.
Greg Fitzsimmons
They, they feel. What do they feel like, Mike? Tell me.
Mike Gibbons
They feel like a top hotel sheet. Like the kind you're slipping and you're like, why doesn't, why don't my, why doesn't my bed at home feel like this?
Greg Fitzsimmons
So anyway, get involved. They, they, they're just amazing. Upgrade your stuff, sleep or give the gift of better rest. Go to trymiracle.com papers to try miracle made sheets today you'll save over 40% and when you use promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off plus three free piece. Free three piece towel set. They make an amazing gift and with a 30 day money back guarantee, there is no risk. Try miracle.com papers code papers@ checkout. Thanks to Miracle Made. We appreciate you being a part of the show. Also part of the show is if you're looking to lose weight, it's become a lot easier these days. Not sure if you're talking to anybody or aware what's going on.
Mike Gibbons
Weight loss by hims. Your weight. What's the, your weight? You kind of been, you're pretty stable.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I've been £150 for 30 years. And I'm telling you, like at the doctor's office, they weigh you on the scale. It'll be 151, and then two months later I'll be in a gym and I'll weigh myself. It'll be 149. Literally there's like a three pound swing in my weight at any given time over 30 years. Sometimes you're crazy.
Mike Gibbons
Sometimes you're down on yourself because you get a belly.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I do get a belly.
Mike Gibbons
So that's a what, a pound and a half belly? What's happening there?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, and it's all, it's all, you know, garbage. It's my garbage.
Mike Gibbons
Well, my weight, my weight, I mean, it hasn't really fluctuated a lot lately, but man, in college I was like 225, something like that. I'm, I'm in the 190s now, but it does fluctuate a lot more than you. But weight loss by hims, man, it, this is the thing I hear so many great things about now offers Access to affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill at its lowest price ever and the Wegovy pen and the Wegovy through hims. I think our a good friend of ours who's an author, I think I mean, is on this and oh, I know he is. He's done raves about it. Users can lose up to 20% or more of their body weight when combined with diet and exercise and it helps regulate the appetite. You can eat less while staying on track with your goal. You can connect with a licensed provider who determines whether treatment is right for you. Ready to reach out to you.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You do it all online. Do it all online. That's the simple thing. I mean our friend went through this, he said it was a piece of cake. And it comes to your door unmarked. Nobody's gonna. Your neighbors are not gonna know why you're losing weight. You don't have to tell them.
Mike Gibbons
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Greg Fitzsimmons
folks, support the sponsors. That's what keeps the show going. Thank you so much. And Mike, do you have something to crinkle? For the love of God, what do you have?
Mike Gibbons
I got some plastic here. Here we go. Oh, came in this. I don't know why I still have it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
A Michigan man linked to the Christian anti porn Internet accountability software Covenant Eyes has been charged with what, Mike? What's he been charged with?
Mike Gibbons
I'm going to take a wild guess doing the thing he's claiming to try to stop.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes, multiple sexual offenses against children. And we are off the algorithm. Officers with the Kent County Sheriff's office arrested Thomas Wideman and more like wild man after he allegedly communicated online with a detective posing as a 14 year old girl. The detective began communicating with Weidman, 38, on July 23rd through the app Hush. Weidman responded to her post that read hey. During the initial exchange, the detective asked Weidman his age? He replied 37 and added, how about you? She said she was 14. Weidman allegedly described how he wanted to touch the girl sexually and asked for photos. A meeting was set and officers arrested him. He's now facing eight felony charges, including using a computer to commit a crime. Anyway, on and on and on. He could get life in prison for this, which is great. But Covenant Eyes is widely used by churches, schools and families to filter and monitor access to online adult. Come. Here's what I always Wonder about. The 21 year old officer who has to pose as a 14 year old. Like it's ironic because when I was 14 I had a fake ID and I was posing as a 21 year old. So I was thinking, what if I met the 21 year old at that time, the officer, and she's posing as a 14 year old and she said I'm too old for her. But then I convinced her to have sex with me and then they charged me with soliciting a minor because she's pretending to be 14. I flip it, I get her arrested.
Mike Gibbons
I love it. What a plan.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Because I'm a child.
Mike Gibbons
What a plan.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's a plan.
Mike Gibbons
It reminded me the story of that great Jeselnik joke. It goes something like, he's like, I've got a friend who works for the FBI, spends all day pretending to be a 12 year old girl chatting with pedophiles. I don't know what he does for the FBI. So good.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You know what's so funny is like I talk to comics, including Louis C.K. who say they never sit down and write. They don't write anything down. That you have to do it on stage. And then you look at Jeselnik and you go, no, no, get a pad. Sit down. Yeah, do the math. Do a mathematical joke that just works. That's, you know, clever.
Mike Gibbons
When he's not reading a thousand books, I guess he's writing a thousand jokes. But Covenant Eyes, I mean that's what your nickname should be if you're in prison for, for offenses against minors. Hey, Covet. Because it wasn't the, the, the phrase short eyes. There was a film that just absolutely spooked me that I somehow saw. Maybe it was on HBO and like the primitive cable box in my friend's basement or something. And it was called Short Eyes. And I, I know the, I think I know the actor was in it. He was in do the Right Thing wearing the Celtics jersey. I don't know his name.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mike Gibbons
He looks, he looks like John Cauliflower.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Head.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, he looked like a Jon Voight. Anyway, he was in it and it was called Short Eyes and that was the nickname he got. And it did not go well for him in prison. Let's just put it that way.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah.
Mike Gibbons
But also there's Covenant Eyes. And then. What the hell? I am not Googling this. I'm even bummed that it's on my computer screen. What the hell is the app? Hush. This all sounds like the creepiest stuff ever.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, I'm looking that guy up and I'm not finding his face.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, I'd recognize.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think it's Danny something.
Mike Gibbons
Well, look up the movie Short Eyes and look at the cast. And what year did Short Eyes come out?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Let me say Short Eyes Cast.
Mike Gibbons
But this whole. Oh, my God. You know, we. I put in another story. I'll start it after this one because this is a little bit about snaring and stinging, as they say, a sting operation. So I had heard about this. This honeypot sting that went down. So. 20 women in Minnesota use dating apps, mostly Tinder, to match with ICE agents. They managed to pull off three major things. They grabbed photos of the agents, real faces. They picked up info on secret raid locations. That was the biggest thing they did because apparently ICE was like, how are all these people knowing where our raids are? And then if their cover got blown, they sent. They went straight. These women went straight to the agents wives and showed them the text chains with them and them wanting to cheat. Right?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Love it. Love it.
Mike Gibbons
I loved it also. But Mia, it's one of the reasons I found this story hard to believe is I think a lot of them would have been on Grindr, not Tinder.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yes. I mean, that's a lot of these guys.
Mike Gibbons
Like the Republican Convention.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, these guys were all thrown off JV wrestling for getting erections, I guarantee it. And she had to figure out which guys were ICE agents. And so I think there was like a. There was a criteria to look for. Wraparound sunglasses, tight goatees, wearing our high school football jacket, an off road vehicle in the background. Any camo. A nickname, if you had a nickname. Not Fitz Dog, but another one. Or if your name is Wayne, Bruce or Ron. That's. That's a red flag. The mullet. And they list that they loved the movie. Heated rivalry.
Mike Gibbons
Nice. Wait, I'm looking up a joke and it's so funny. What I'm. The keyword I'm searching for, which I'll tell you in a minute, but it's about. It's kind of like what you just. What you just said reminded me of it. All right, I can't find it. But at one point we had the rock saying, tony Hinchcliffe wrestled in high school and was undefeated, if you consider jizzing in a unitard, winning. So I'm literally searching my computer for the word jizzing, and I'm getting a lot of results. We wanted to hear him say that so badly, and he loved it. And I don't know when it fell out, but it just didn't fit.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, let's. Let's skip this next one and go down to what, the cruise ship that had the virus?
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, well, just briefly. I mean, it's kind of crazy. This. My sister brought up. Laura, how did we not get the hantavirus in Carmel, New York? A little above you in Tarrytown. But anyway, it was kind of like a. Now I'm going to make excuses. Kind of like, you know, this country house, it would be empty all week. And, you know, our parents weren't great at like, sealing up food in the kitchen anyway. We constantly saw mice crap.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, is that how it spread, Hantavirus?
Mike Gibbons
I think one way is if you eat mice dung. If that gets in food, I mean, please write us with your letters. I think that's one way. But maybe not. Not all mice have it. I have no idea. I've definitely ingested my. I mean, based on my memories and my sister's memories of that kitchen where like. Like you. It. Like there's cereal boxes that weren't sealed and. And then sometimes we would see a hole eaten in a cereal box. So you knew to throw that one out, but what then you just grab the next box?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, don't mice know the phrase don't shit where you eat?
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, they. But they love shitting where we eat.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Is there a. Is. Does hantavirus have an antivirus?
Mike Gibbons
I don't know. Is that. Is that a funny question or.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No. I heard that the same people that brought us the COVID antivirus are working on an antivirus for hantavirus. But I don't know if it's available yet. But I think it's like, you know, what was it Merck who made the COVID virus anti vax?
Mike Gibbons
I don't know, but maybe you have to anyway inject the antivirus in rats and then you have to mix their shit with the mice shit. That's how you have to ingest it. Very complicated.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Okay.
Mike Gibbons
Carnival Cruises, I was running a special that they've. They guarantee that they are sticking Just with massive diarrhea. You will not get the hantavirus. They are. It's a guarantee when you go on their cruises.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Diarrhea and gonorrhea, our promise to you, that's all you'll bring home.
Mike Gibbons
Also, I've accepted. I will never in my life know for sure how to spell diarrhea.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I can't spell gonorrhea.
Mike Gibbons
It has to correct me. I wait for it to correct me and throw the extra R in there, which is, oddly, before the H. It's weird.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, I always remember there's an H, because that's sort of like the sound of diarrhea. Like, when you actually have it. There's a little bit of a. There's a little air built in. That's how I remember it.
Mike Gibbons
I have to remember the two Rs, because when I have it, I'm like.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And I remember the. The end of it, because I always go. When it's over, I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we got. All right, let's skip this one.
Mike Gibbons
You got a pal.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Go down to. All right, so Cash Patel visited Hawaii last summer, and he took a bunch of video of him visiting, like, the Honolulu office of the Bureau and meeting with local law enforcement. What they didn't include was an excursion that he took where he went on a VIP snorkel around the USS Arizona that the military set up for him. That's the sunken battleship that ENTOMBS More than 900 sailors and marines at Pearl Harbor. So, you know, it's. This is after he's been criticized for using an FBA FBI plane and his global travel that has blended professional responsibilities with leisure activities. So the. So the FBI hadn't. Hadn't revealed that he did this, but this guy is. It's. It's off limits, by the way. Nobody is allowed to snorkel around the Arizona. It's completely restricted. And so, I don't know, maybe there's Epstein files under there. Is that why. Is that why.
Mike Gibbons
That's what he was looking for?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, got it.
Mike Gibbons
It's easy to make fun of Cash, but he almost died because the Mai Tai in his snorkel, he choked on it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right?
Mike Gibbons
He can't breathe.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I mean, I think he wanted to see dead soldiers because he wants to prepare himself for what he's setting us up for with attacking Iran and Cuba and Venezuela.
Mike Gibbons
The old timers, the guards there were like, honestly, this is more surprising than what Japan did and maybe more inappropriate.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, Renan Hirschberg had this joke. I can't Remember what it was. Exactly. I'm going to butcher it. But it was like he's trying to finally solve who attacked us.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah. What a clown, man.
Greg Fitzsimmons
The Supreme Court ensured Thursday that the abortion pill mifepristone can continue to be available by mail without an in person appointment with a clinician. A ruling by the New Orleans Court of Appeals has imperiled widespread access to the pill. Now the Supreme Court has granted emergency requests brought by lawmakers seeking to block that ruling. The decision, a loss for the. The state of Louisiana ensures there will not be any disruption to the availability of the drug as litigation continues. Great news. Less rednecks. Yeah, I'm especially pro abortion in the Deep South.
Mike Gibbons
I think the Supreme Court, then they're going to follow up. They're like, oh, but only black people can use it right in the South. Just like our, just like our voting policies that we, we worked on this week.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So. Well, I think the law before was that you could only get the abortion in case of incest. So basically nothing changes.
Mike Gibbons
All right, we got ethical question.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Ethical question.
Mike Gibbons
Can't wait. Here we go.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, I'm going to read you one that was sent in by a listener, Matthew David, who said cleaning.
Mike Gibbons
Thank you, Matthew.
Greg Fitzsimmons
While cleaning out my junk drawer, I came across a Mother's Day card that I gave to my mom last year which included a gift card to a nail salon she likes. Unbeknownst to me, she had left it at my house but has never brought it up. At 74 years old, there is no chance that she remembers receiving this gift and there is no indication of the year it was bought. Is it okay for me to slap this into a new envelope and give it to her again this year for Mother's Day?
Mike Gibbons
I don't know. It feels awkward. I don't know about ethical. Of course it's not ethical. You're re gifting to the same person. I. But I don't know. I mean, can't you make light of it and do something funny about it? I would double it for sure. That's what I would do. I throw in another card.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, definitely give it to her because after a year she definitely needs to get her nails done.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, exactly.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I don't think 74 is that old, Matthew. I don't think 74 year olds are that. Yeah, forgetful.
Mike Gibbons
Isn't the president 10 years older than that? And look how sharp he is.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I forget. I have sent my mom chocolate covered strawberries five times and all five times been told that she's allergic to Strawberries. And I forget I keep sending them. Why? Because Barry's.com was a sponsor of the show and I used to get it for half price anyway.
Mike Gibbons
Also, you saw that her will was signed and executed.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yes.
Mike Gibbons
Every year you try to kill your mom.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Let's get down to make America. Florida.
Mike Gibbons
All right, man. It was. This was the hardest week. In fact, I have two Florida's because all the stories were so bleak and not funny. Anyway, Christopher Jones, 29, was pulled over Saturday in Brevard county during a traffic enforcement effort dubbed Super Speeder. Saturday. All right, Florida, they've moved on to the sss. Apparently deputy Caleb Sanchez was conducting the speed enforcement when he spotted Jones. And this is why I grabbed the article, Greg, because they're using one of your phrases, the speed enforcement. When he spotted Jones. Coming in hot.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Coming in hot, baby.
Mike Gibbons
Which is in quotes. That is what Greg will text you or scream at you through the phone when he's about 10 to an hour late, 10 minutes to an hour late, that he's coming in hot.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That's right.
Mike Gibbons
Anyway, this guy probably likes to you
Greg Fitzsimmons
who comes in late for golf, coming in cold, which means you're late. And then you stop at Starbucks to get a large coffee while we wait on the tea for you. That's coming in cold.
Mike Gibbons
Oh my God. It's a little inside. But did I tell you I got there early yesterday and very quickly went to the starter. The starter is a friend, friend of ours. And he goes, you're good. He's like, but dude, can you guys talk to Mikey? He's like, he's just, he just keeps calling me. This is the starter at a public golf course because among in our group we have what I'll call a caller and it's so annoying. Now, God bless him, he calls when he's driving instead of texting, which is what I do when I'm driving. And anyway, but he calls there because he forgets to get the Friday morning tea time. You have to wake up like nine days early at 6, 6am and anyway, the golf course is annoyed by Mikey in the same way we are, which
Greg Fitzsimmons
I thought so are the waitresses Mikey. Well, if people don't know Mikey has ocd. And when he stands up to the ball, it's like the Honeymooners skit with Ralph and Norton.
Mike Gibbons
Hello, ball. Yes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, where he twitches and, you know, raises each half and takes his ass and nine practice swings and you're like, all right, this guy's nuts. Then you. Then we go to the restaurant for Lunch afterwards. And he spends at least that much time going through the menu with the waitress and asking. Meanwhile, we eat at the same place three days a week for the. The menu's been the same for the last five years. Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
Send us if you have someone like this. The only reason we're doing this is because what's personal is universal, especially in this case. So in your friend group, there is probably that person, the overthinker, the obsessor. And my favorite line, though, I mean it. We cannot emphasize enough how long he takes to hit the ball, which of course is not moving. And so like, let's say it's a putt. So every time he takes forever and then doesn't hit a good shot, I'm just like, you rushed it, man.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. And now what I do is I. He'll have a short putt and I'll go, Mikey, I'll bet you dollar you missed that.
Mike Gibbons
Gary, you undid him yesterday.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
You were undefeated with that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yep.
Mike Gibbons
All right. We're making America, Florida. So he was pulled over and he was going 101 miles an hour in a 70 mile an hour zone. Just. Jones, who was dressed in a black suit and white dress shirt, allegedly told deputies he was speeding because he was late to a wedding. So there's the picture of him, and I'll describe it for the listeners. He's in what looks like. Yeah, black suit, no tie. Then you look, you go down, and he has white socks in slides in bay in sandals. So the comments were, well, the sandals don't scream dressed to impress for a wedding. And then the other guy clocked. Everybody's focused on the slides. I want to know how you're late for a wedding at 9am
Greg Fitzsimmons
was it in Key West? Where. Where was the wedding? Well, he's got.
Mike Gibbons
It was 9am I took that detail out of the setup. So it was a surprise. It was. He was pulled over at 9am well,
Greg Fitzsimmons
he had his slides on. Maybe he thought it was a wedding shower.
Mike Gibbons
I. I mean, I think the wedding was the night before. That's my opinion.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think he was bringing the groom the diamond ring and an eight ball of Coke and a.22. He had to get there on time.
Mike Gibbons
He might have been wearing heels, which explains now he's in more comfortable shoes and the cocaine is still at work. And he allegedly. All right, here's another one. A Florida woman thought an intruder was trying to break into her home. She investigated the ruckus on her porch and found two alligators fighting. She said, I thought Somebody was breaking in. She looked outside and discovered the cause of the sound was not a human intruder, but two alligators brawling on her porch. The gators had shredded their way through the mesh, and she captured the video. But here's the thing I thought about when reading this article. I think it's only in Florida when you think you hear an intruder, and instead two primitive reptiles are going at it in the most dangerous way, you're relieved. You're relieved that these two crazy monsters are. Are banging on your door and that
Greg Fitzsimmons
it's not a Florida person or an ice agent. Yeah, actually, there's no ice agents in Florida because it's a red state. Did you know that the ice agents are only going to blue states?
Mike Gibbons
I don't think it's right. I think for the most part, you are right.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, look, all she saw was a lot of alligator skin fighting. It could have been two Cuban pimps. Nice fighting. Fighting over a humidor.
Mike Gibbons
By the way. Apparently, we have absolutely crippled Cuba. There's something we should. We should look into that for next week.
Greg Fitzsimmons
They have no fuel left.
Mike Gibbons
I think Cuba is really hurting.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. I don't know what the story is behind that. All right, let's go to this day in history.
Mike Gibbons
Here we go. All right, this was also tough here. When do you think Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died? It was this week. You want me to give you a clue?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Give me a clue.
Mike Gibbons
What did she die of? Because. Oh, man. She was 64. That's your clue. Give or take four years.
Greg Fitzsimmons
64?
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, give or take. I thought she was older. Give or take four years. When did she die?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, she became the first lady in 1962. She was probably 20. She was probably 30 years old at that point. No, even younger now. Let's say 30. So she was born in 1932. She was 64 years old. So. So 32 years after 62 is. I'm going to say 96.
Mike Gibbons
1994.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Thank you.
Mike Gibbons
I think he took an unnecessary step backwards. You could have just added the year. Anyway, good job.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, you did it.
Mike Gibbons
Ringling Brothers open a small circus. Get this, In Baraboo, Wisconsin. And by and by, a little while later had transformed it into the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. But when did the Ringling Brothers open a small circus, which was the beginning of what we know to be the most successful and largest circus ever. What year did they start? Give or take? 15 years.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, they had. They had animals from Africa. So there has to have been a time when they were transporting animals from Africa to the US So. Or I guess it could have been Asia, but I'm gonna guess 1870.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, my God, you did it by one year. 1884.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Nice.
Mike Gibbons
Look at you.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yep. Yep.
Mike Gibbons
The Thirty Years War seems to have the answer right in it. Let's go to. Yeah. Slim Pickens. Bear with me. Bear with me. A lot of World War II, which you're gonna get following.
Greg Fitzsimmons
43.
Mike Gibbons
Following an earthquake with a magnitude 5.1 on the Richter scale, Mount St. Helens erupted in one of the greatest volcanic explosions ever recorded in North America. When was Mount St. Helens? Give or take four years. I like four years.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I remember being in high school when this happened. I was in high school from 80 to 84.
Mike Gibbons
That's a 10 year period.
Greg Fitzsimmons
So of course I'll say 82.
Mike Gibbons
1980.
Greg Fitzsimmons
There we go, baby. Three for three.
Mike Gibbons
When did Shrek come out? The original Shrek, Give or take four years again.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Original Shrek. My kids were young, so let's say
Mike Gibbons
Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think they. I think it came out before they were born.
Mike Gibbons
Academy Award for best Animated feature.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I'll say 97.
Mike Gibbons
I gave you four years, you bastard. 2001.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, baby. Four for four.
Mike Gibbons
Unbelievable. Oh, man, I wish I had a tough one here. Let's see, let's see. Well, I don't think you'll get that, but that's good to know. Wizard of Oz, I'm talking about. Oh, no. Okay. Give or take one year, Greg.
Greg Fitzsimmons
The Beach Boys released Pet Sounds, 1968.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, my God, 66. Oh, I cannot. Come on, Sergeant Peppers.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know, but I felt like that was the later years for the. I thought that there was.
Mike Gibbons
And this is your favorite album of all time, I believe.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I know, I know. I. I'd say Pet Sounds Blue by Joni Mitchell. Astro Weeks by Van Morrison.
Mike Gibbons
All right, all right. We don't have to take a detour down here.
Greg Fitzsimmons
And Axis Bald is Love by Jimi Hendrix.
Mike Gibbons
There you go, pally. All right, last one. And Top Gun was released in American theaters. Oh, man, what a summer blockbuster was released this week. What year? Give or take three years.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Tom Cruise was young and svelte. I still say 1989.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, we're going out on that. On the nose. You just made it. 19.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No fucking way. Well, no.
Mike Gibbons
1986. On the nose with the give or take.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I think I was just. I was just five for six.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, and you missed the most embarrassing one, which really, by one year.
Greg Fitzsimmons
One year.
Mike Gibbons
Well, right. You were two years off of your favorite Album.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I really was gonna say 67, and I went 68. All right, good.
Mike Gibbons
All right, buddy. I don't think we have a big obituary this week.
Greg Fitzsimmons
We don't. Nobody died big. Really? It's been two weeks. Because we didn't do a show last week.
Mike Gibbons
That's true, but we didn't obituary the last time.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Co God is on spring break. He's not out killing anybody.
Mike Gibbons
To the funnies, buddy. There you go.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Every week we do the comedy caption contest. We give you one frame of a comic. You write down a joke, you mail it in to fitzdogradiomail.com Please put your joke with your name directly underneath it. I select some finalists. Mike and I discuss and then pick one winner who receives a koozie just in time for summer. Um, let's start with last week's. We had a gentleman who's bald. He does not have a good body, and he is wearing chains, lace sleeves, cowboy boots, and a G string. And he's on the phone. He's on a land. He's on a landline, and he's talking. David said, hey, Mike, it's me, Greg.
Mike Gibbons
There it is.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Why am I the guy? Why isn't Mike? Oh, because I'm bald. All right, fair enough.
Mike Gibbons
Why did I take your call?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Kelly Holmes said, hello, Gnome residence.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, that's good.
Greg Fitzsimmons
That lands. Jim Curran says he's losing interest. How soon can he get JD's couch here? Everyone's going political this week. Rich Kennedy said, yes, my refrigerator is running.
Mike Gibbons
Ah, he just ignored the whole premise. I like it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Tim Bag and said, what do you mean? Kicked off the algorithm again?
Mike Gibbons
That's good. These are pretty good. You said you hate our listeners and that these are horrible.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I never said that. All right, I. Something about, yes, my refrigerator is running just makes me laugh because, like you said, it was completely off topic, which I like. A little misdirect.
Mike Gibbons
And when I look at the guy, it's. It's funny, him saying that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
And also, yeah, he should know that's a prank call. I mean, this guy. But he doesn't.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah, yeah, and it's. It's funny because, you know, he's come up from the basement, so he's come all the way up the stairs to answer this phone.
Mike Gibbons
Please. That would have been funny. Please don't call again. Yes, my refrigerator is running.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. Yeah. All right. Rich Kennedy, congratulations. You will be holding a warm.
Mike Gibbons
No, no, no. We're going to look into getting a Mcuzzie.
Greg Fitzsimmons
We're going to look into it.
Botox Advertisement Voice
Rich.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Next week's comic is two squirrels sitting in a tree on a branch, and one squirrel is eating an acorn. The other one is talking, and he appears to have a cell phone in his hand. He looks a little bit alarmed by what he's reading on the cell phone.
Mike Gibbons
Do not put. Yes, my refrigerator is running for this one. It only worked this week, people.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Right. Um. Let's get to Hagger the horrible. They are attacking a castle. Hagger and the boys. He says, we're taking your sprawling castle estate with its manicured grounds and hundred rooms filled with invaluable treasures. The queen says, please don't. Then she goes, it's the only luxury we permit ourselves. And then Hagar goes, oh, there she is. I forgot to mention the other thing we're doing.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, that's a luxury that they permit themselves.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh, yeah, Very luxurious. Hairy, stinky. Because nobody bathes back then. They don't care. Pile on, boys. Her royal highness. Then we got the lock corns. Leroy is sitting on the exam table. The doctor's got a clipboard. Leroy said, so I'm allowed to eat as well much as I want of whatever I don't want to eat.
Mike Gibbons
There it is.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's a little tricky.
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, it works.
Greg Fitzsimmons
You got a onion?
Mike Gibbons
I sure do. It applies very much to Irish. They show this guy a little sad on a couch, and the onion headline is, heartfelt apology robs man of cherished grudge. It is such an Irish thing to be bummed that a grudge has come to the come to its end.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I ended one recently at the festival. I ran into a manager that I used to work with, and that manager kind of wasn't doing a great job, and I was very resentful. There wasn't a lot of responses coming, so I fired her. And I saw her at the festival, and I gave her a big hug and we talked and everything was fine. And I felt better about it.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, that's great.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I didn't have a big grudge against her, but it's just, you know, obviously a relationship like that ending is awkward, but she's a nice person. I like her.
Mike Gibbons
Here was the runner up. It was going to be. It's an angry guy, and it's like, dad demands that youth coach play unathletic son less. I love that one.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right. Blondie is in a. Looks like she's in a clothing store there. They're in the dressing room, and he's sitting on a couch on a chair. That's an unusual setup. They don't usually let a man and a woman alone in a dressing room at a store. Because God knows, especially, you walk in there with a woman like Blondie. I mean, any other man, you know what's gonna happen. But instead, Dopey's sitting on the chair. She's got this sort of lavender dress. It crosses over the breasts in a way that lifts them up. They just lift up. There's no. It's not the dress. It's just her pectoral muscles. They carry those fucking water bag. Water balloons. Just high water bag. The bowling pin calves are sticking out. And she goes, I love this dress. He says, it looks expensive. And she goes, actually, it's on clearance. It's 90% off. And he goes, really? Well, then I love it too. How about this, Dagwood? Why don't you pull a couple extra shifts so your fucking 10 of a wife can dress the way she deserves to be dressed?
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, I got excited. I thought in some wild arrangement, this chair and Dagward was inside the dressing room.
Greg Fitzsimmons
No, it is.
Mike Gibbons
I think she just came out to show him.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Oh. Oh, all right.
Mike Gibbons
Oh, so your mind went there against all logic.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Well, you know, I do know a comedian who made love to a woman in a dressing room, but I think, wasn't there also tons of people have.
Mike Gibbons
And like, an influencer's got busted.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Wasn't there a grape allegation against a celebrity in a dressing room with a woman?
Mike Gibbons
I don't know.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Anyway, all right, listen, folks. You have been a lovely audience. I feel like this was a good Sunday papers. If you want to thank us, you're gonna go to trymiracle.com papers and you're gonna get huge discounts. Also, don't Forget, go to HIMSS.com papers and get an affordable plan that gets you. Again, we want to thank Matt Peters and all the great folks over there at Gotham and Mike. Anything you want to promote? Huh?
Mike Gibbons
Oh, yeah, man. We. We put it on the text thread, but we've talked about it before, man. Go to YouTube and put in Chicago Tanglewood, and you will see the guitarist that Jimi Hendrix called the greatest guitarist in the universe. And that guitar solo is insane.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Now, Chicago. I know there was like a documentary about yacht rock. Is Chicago considered yacht rock?
Mike Gibbons
Yeah, but this guy was their guitarist and died early. And they then became more yacht rock after he died. Sadly, his last words are just how you would write the joke. The gun is not loaded.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Really?
Mike Gibbons
Cleaning his gun in the valley. Yeah.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Anyway, guess how many albums Chicago released.
Mike Gibbons
I don't know.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Guess. 1926 studio albums, 7 live albums, and 11 compilation albums. And I'll tell you what, they're fucking all good. They are phenomenal. I saw this documentary about them. They used to go to Denver every summer or outside of somewhere in Colorado, out in the mountains, and they had this, like. They had this, like, group of cabins and a studio, and that's where they would write their. I don't know if they recorded there, but that's where they would write. They go out there for like, a month or two every summer and come up with another album.
Mike Gibbons
Well, Terry Cath died in 78. How many albums did they have by 78, do you know?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Let's see.
Mike Gibbons
And I'm not, by the way. I. I am underselling this guitar solo. It's. In my opinion. It is up there with Prince's guitar solo on While My Guitar gently weeps.
Greg Fitzsimmons
It's 78.
Mike Gibbons
You cannot even believe this thing.
Greg Fitzsimmons
By 78, they had 12 albums out.
Mike Gibbons
Seriously?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
I had no idea they started that early. So they started in the 60s?
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah. The first album came out in 69.
Mike Gibbons
Wow. Yeah, well, after 78. And I don't know much about him, so. You don't. No need to write me in, but I think Peter Cetera moved more front and center for the band and everything, but.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Yeah.
Mike Gibbons
But anyway, Terry Cath. Holy. What a monster.
Greg Fitzsimmons
All right, well, listen. Thanks for listening, and I guess we'll talk to you guys soon.
Mike Gibbons
Take it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Eas. It's Greg and Mike. Every Sunday morning, the podcast. That's right. Every Sunday morning it's always sunny. Read all about it and always funny. Read all about it Sunday, my favorite day. The best news, friends. Every Sunday morning, the Smile artist newsman. Every Sunday morning, it's always sunny. Read all about it and always funny. Read all about it.
Podcast: Sunday Papers
Hosts: Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike Gibbons
Date: May 17, 2026
Theme: A hilarious, sharp, and personal breakdown of current events, showbiz drama, personal stories, and listener letters — all served up with signature banter and comic riffs.
This week, Greg and Mike dish on the Netflix Roast and its fallout, writers room drama, celebrity gossip from the Netflix Comedy Festival, insightful anecdotes about paddle tennis and dangerous hiking mishaps, as well as a collection of news stories ranging from darkly comic to the absurd. Listener messages, corrections, ethical conundrums, and their take on classic comic strips round out the weekly tradition, all with the duo’s bold, irreverent, and self-deprecating style.
Comic Caption Contest
This Day in History & Quizzes
Funny Pages Commentary
Onion Headline of the Week
On the Netflix Roast controversy:
"That's not what I call them, by the way. I don't think you should call them that." – Mike (06:37)
On embarrassing industry moments:
"I look like the special needs kid at his cousin's wedding." – Greg (18:41)
On friendship:
"I got to say, in my opinion, [Cheryl Underwood] had the set of the night." – Greg (22:13)
"Oh. Naim, man was great... Go on his Instagram, he tore apart... Michael Jordan." – Mike (22:37)
On Florida's absurdity:
"I think it's only in Florida when you think you hear an intruder, and instead two primitive reptiles are going at it... you're relieved." – Mike (62:02)
The entire episode is a riotous, rapid-fire blend of news, personal experience, and inside comedy. Greg and Mike deliver with biting honesty, jaundiced affection, and the sense that nothing is off-limits — except, of course, their ads. Despite career success and showbiz connection, the tone remains dry, humble, and rooted in old-friend ribbing.
For newcomers:
Listening to Sunday Papers is like eavesdropping on the sharpest conversation at the back table of a comedy club, where no subject is safe and every punchline comes with a wink. This episode is a showcase of why the show still clicks after 300+ Sundays.