Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 87 10/31/21

Summary

Sunday Papers with Greg Fitzsimmons and Mike Gibbons

Episode 87 — October 31, 2021
Podcast Theme:
A hilarious, fast-paced review of the week’s news, pop culture, sports, and more—filtered through the irreverent lenses of veteran comics Greg and Mike.

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Main Theme

This Halloween edition of the Sunday Papers finds Greg and Mike taking a spirited (and frequently tangent-filled) stroll through current events as seen through the headlines, with their trademark blend of candid conversation, sharp wit, and good-natured ribbing. They hit topics from Halloween costume stories and charity golf tournaments, to Facebook’s rebrand, Biden meeting the Pope, news of a tragic robbery, LGBTQ+ issues in sports and theater, the latest in entertainment, and much more.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Getting Started: Corrections, Cold Season, and Halloween Plans

[00:01-03:23]

• Mike is under the weather, possibly with lingering Covid.
• Greg shares he was exposed to Covid at an Emmy charity golf tournament—leading to a discussion of Emmy diversity scholarships and the real-life obstacles for minorities entering TV, especially the financial barriers (“You need a pipeline…these scholarship funds help people that are diverse, more diverse to get started.” - Greg, 02:33).
• Halloween talk: Greg confesses to frequently dressing as a woman for Halloween (“When you were gay, it was so fun to dress up as a woman every year.” - Greg, 03:39), segueing into a story of Caitlyn Jenner telling Mike she used Halloween as an excuse to dress up before coming out.
• Mike and Greg rib each other for their costume choices and FOMO about holiday events.

2. Upcoming Events: Sports & Concerts

[05:00-12:29]

• Plans to attend a Chargers game (nosebleed seats jokes abound), and then the Grateful Dead at the Hollywood Bowl (“I’m already masquerading as someone interested in the Chargers.” - Mike, 07:28).
• Discussion about NFL quarterbacks Justin Herbert and Mac Jones, showing their half-disinterested, half-fan engagement with sports news.
• A debate: Do you “owe” a friend concert ticket money if they comped you using free tickets? (Greg is pro-paying for real tickets.)

3. Listener Engagement: Songs, Artwork & Podcast Community

[12:35-14:28]

• Listener Tony Kakase challenges John Cabrera for best theme song—a mini “Beach Boys vs. Beatles” competition among fans.
• Shout-out to listener-submitted artwork; the evolving show culture and COVID origins.

4. Corrections and Housekeeping

[15:31-18:02]

• Listeners point out prior week’s mistakes: “Economies to scale” should be “economies of scale,” and IBM’s Deep Blue (the chess computer) got misnamed.
• Plug for live Greg Fitzsimmons stand-up dates and ads for podcast merch (Christmas mug banter: “Cat in your lap, naked woman masturbating in front of you while you listen to the Sunday papers. Come on.” - Greg, 16:51).

5. [Skip: Ads, 18:17-25:09]

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Major News Stories & Deep Dives

A. Crime & Bitcoin: Casino Winner Tracked and Murdered

[25:29-32:29]

• New Jersey pharma exec Sri Aravapalli is shot and killed after being tailed from a Pennsylvania casino.
• They riff on dangers of carrying cash, ATM crimes, and compare to Bitcoin’s digital “safety.”
• Side chat: Why don’t LA homes have basements? Led to memories of East Coast basements as leisure spaces and more stories of teenage shenanigans.

B. Biden Meets the Pope: Religion & Politics

[32:43-41:12]

• Biden’s audience with Pope Francis, discussion on abortion, communion, and religious identity in politics.
• Mike riffs on presidents talking about religion and his lack of comfort that “the leader of the free world talks to a man in the sky.” (35:52)
• Extended, tongue-in-cheek consideration of the Virgin Mary and angels, using Gallup poll stats for comedic effect (“72% of Americans believe in angels.” - Mike, 36:54).
• Greg: “Do you notice that 72% covers a lot…that are not really tethered to reality.” (37:10)

C. Facebook Rebrands to Meta

[41:14-44:52]

• Zuckerberg’s name change panned as pretentious and a distraction from congressional scrutiny.
• Meta’s infinity symbol is quickly mocked: “It looks like a pair of balls, and people are already writing dicks on top.” (43:53)
• Both comics admit to not really using Facebook, citing privacy and misinformation concerns.

D. Schools in the News: Lap Dances, Outfits, and Canceled Plays

[45:14-49:37]

• Hazard High in Kentucky: Photos go viral of students giving lap dances to faculty and dressing in Hooters outfits, with the principal (“Happy”) also the mayor.
• Hillsborough High School (Ohio): Play canceled because of a gay character; commentary on censorship and real numbers of LGBTQ+ students in theater.

E. Local & Entertainment News

[49:43-55:49]

• Neighborhood locked down after a car chase; small town drama.
• Entertainment picks:
  • Goliath (Prime Video) praised: “Billy Bob Thornton should be getting Emmys for this show every fucking year.” - Greg, 51:03
  • Mike recommends disturbing foreign flicks “Titane” and “Lamb” (Icelandic, bleak, existential).
  • Anticipation for Peter Jackson’s Beatles “Get Back” documentary (“These four uneducated guys from Nowheresville who could never read music went from NSYNC to Radiohead in seven years…” - Mike quoting a friend, 58:12).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On costume shenanigans (03:41):
  Greg: “When you were gay, it was so fun to dress up as a woman every year.”
• On Biden’s faith (35:52):
  Mike: “Wait, the leader of the free world talks to a man in the sky…he also believes that that [God] cucked Joseph and put his son in the belly of a virgin.”
• On Facebook’s rebrand (43:53):
  Greg: “It looks like a pair of balls, and people are already writing dicks on top of the two balls.”
• On school scandals (46:52):
  Greg: “They put the ‘coming’ into homecoming, let’s just put it that way.”

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Intro banter & Halloween: [00:01 - 05:00]
• NFL/Chargers/Game talk: [05:00 - 12:29]
• Listener contributions: [12:35 - 14:28]
• Corrections & plugs: [15:31 - 18:02]
• New Jersey Casino Murders/Bitcoin: [25:29 - 32:29]
• Basements & East Coast nostalgia: [28:44 - 32:29]
• Biden and the Pope/Angels poll: [32:43 - 41:12]
• Facebook/Meta rebrand: [41:14 - 44:52]
• HS Lap dances/canceled play: [45:14 - 49:37]
• Entertainment: Goliath/Beatles doc: [50:37 - 61:20]
• Letters from listeners & comics (Mort Sahl obituary): [97:48 - 111:13]
• Sunday Funnies segment: [113:03 - 123:13]

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Tone and Comic Chemistry

• The tone remains breezy, spontaneous, and boundary-pushing.
• Discussions frequently spiral into bits, roasts, or personal anecdotes, creating a rolling, “just hanging with the guys” vibe.
• They intentionally ride (and sometimes cross) the lines of taste, which is central to the show’s brand.

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Additional Highlights

• Dog drama: Greg’s elderly, biting dog Brulee is a recurring character; “I just want him to die. Just fucking die.”- Greg, 76:05. They suggest a new “Brulee” update segment.
• Trans rights & Chappelle:
  • Long segment discussing the Netflix walkout, problematic tweets from organizer Ashley Marie Preston, and Caitlyn Jenner’s support for Chappelle.
  • Strong defense of artistic freedom vs. calls for censorship (see [65:17-69:49]).
• PETA and ‘Bullpen’:
  • Satirical rant as PETA asks baseball to rename the bullpen out of respect for cows, expanding (jokingly) on the absurdity of language reforms (90:08+).

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Closing Thoughts

Episode 87 is quintessential “Sunday Papers”: topical, self-deprecating, circular, and unafraid of a little controversy. Whether chatting sports, politics, entertainment, or comics, Mike and Greg keep it lively and unpredictable all the way through the (actual) Sunday funnies.

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Takeaway: The show is best enjoyed by those who appreciate uncensored, intelligent banter and a deep cut on America’s weekly news—along with a willingness to shift from the serious to the ridiculous at any moment.

Transcript

[Mike]

And Friday.

[Greg]

It's a Friday, but it's not Sunday. Oh, you got a little light.

[Mike]

I've always had it because the closet. You guys told me to get one. Remember? I was grainy.

[Greg]

Okay, now you don't remember that, huh? Now you're spooky.

[Mike]

Hold on. Oh, there. Natural, baby. It's literally. It's in. It's in a sock. I work in the business, All right? You can scream whenever you want, man.

[Greg]

Read all about it.

[Mike]

Jesus.

[Greg]

Extra, extra. Alex Baldwin not in the news this week. We chose not to

[Mike]

correction, right? That was the fastest to a correction ever. You called him Alex Baldwin.

[Greg]

Did I?

[Mike]

Yeah. Let's do that every week. How many words till the first correction?

[Greg]

Wow, that's a new record.

[Mike]

Wow, that was good. What do we got? I'm. I'm. I apologize. My voice will undoubtedly go. I'm congested. I guess this head cold, some call it Covid, is lingering. So I apologize to the listeners.

[Greg]

I'll do my best. I gotta get my COVID test. Today I was exposed. On Monday, I played in a golf tournament. It was a charity fundraiser for the Emmys. They. They're starting scholarship funds so that young people ready for this can get started in the business so that people who dream of working in TV can do it.

[Mike]

Is there a barrier to just moving to a place that has TV and trying to get coffee for someone?

[Greg]

Here's the barrier. And this is why it's a great program, is if you people talk about, like, why aren't there enough black directors? And why aren't there enough transsexual head writers and all that? It's like, well, what they're doing now is they're just finding people and they're giving them these jobs. And a lot of times they haven't had the training to do it, including the other woman.

[Mike]

Against minorities coming into the business, we know that you've made it very clear.

[Greg]

So what you need is a pipeline. You need people because you're working for 500 bucks a week when you're getting coffee for somebody and. And you're living in a city where you gotta pay $1,000 a month in rent, so it doesn't work. And so these scholarship funds help people that are diverse, more diverse to get started.

[Mike]

I'm glad you said pipeline instead of railroad.

[Greg]

Oh, hey, now, there you go.

[Mike]

By the way, there's nothing racist about that. I'm just. It is a. Whatever. Go ahead. I'm gonna take a glass of water.

[Greg]

Did you read the Underground Railroad or see the TV Series.

[Mike]

No, I know how it ends.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And you could say it's a happy ending.

[Greg]

It's not.

[Mike]

It's hundreds of years later and still not a happy ending.

[Greg]

No.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg]

No.

[Mike]

Oh, boy.

[Greg]

We got a big day tomorrow, Mike. Holy mother of God.

[Mike]

Well, it's really today. This is the Sunday papers.

[Greg]

Today's Sunday, the 31st. Happy Halloween, everybody.

[Mike]

That's right. Yeah.

[Greg]

Halloween was for many, many years my favorite holiday of the year because it was just always the best from ages, oh, five until probably 25, maybe 23. When you were gay, it was so fun to dress up as a woman every year. Did you ever dress as a woman for Halloween? Did you ever go down that route?

[Mike]

No. And I can safely say none of the other days of the year either. Unlike you, I would know. But just so you know, I think I've told this story before, but just briefly with Caitlyn Jenner. I asked her, I go, you know, when did this, you know, when did you start acting, you know, on, on your feelings of not being a man? And she said Halloween was my favorite holiday because it was my excuse. It was a built in excuse to dress like a woman. And other than that, she would go out for drives in Malibu and especially like the canyons where she knew, like, you know, you basically can't get pulled over. There's no like, you know, traffic or anything like that. And there's no red lights. So, yeah, she would dress as a woman on Halloween.

[Greg]

That's why I like Columbus Day, because I get to be racist. Really embrace it, I guess. I guess. Thanksgiving.

[Mike]

So today is Saturday, but tomorrow we're going to the Chargers game because our great buddy Pete Scott hooked us up with tickets. You've already crapped on them because the tickets aren't good enough for you.

[Greg]

For the nosebleeds when we're sitting in the seats. Yeah.

[Mike]

You asked if the ticket came with a parachute.

[Greg]

Yeah,

[Mike]

you did.

[Greg]

But I love sneaking down ever since I was a kid, you know, getting shitty tickets and then like working your way down and ending up in amazing seats. That feels so much better than just having great seats.

[Mike]

Well, it was probably easy for you too, because you were dressed as a woman. That's right, because we were that age. This way, ma'. Am.

[Greg]

This way, man.

[Mike]

This way. Weird human.

[Greg]

We used to have tickets to the Giants. We had season tickets to the New York Giants. And our seats were right. They were shit. And they were right in front of the glassed in luxury boxes where, you know, where you're warm and we'd be sitting out there freezing our asses off. And then one week, my parents are sitting there with my brother and the sister, and they hear a knock behind them, and they turn around, and I'm knocking on the glass. I got inside the luxury box. I just walked in. Somebody thought I was their kid. I. I got a hot chocolate. I got a fucking hot dog in my hand. Coat off, hat is off. And I'm like, hey, now, give this

[Mike]

poor bizarre looking girl a hot chocolate. She's freezing.

[Greg]

I mean, she's got a skirt on. Her legs are completely exposed. Her hairy little legs are completely exposed.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. That's a good. That's cool that you got. Your family must have lost it.

[Greg]

They lost it. And then they got to know me in the. In the. In the box, and they eventually figured it out. And they. They used to laugh at my parents with their shitty seats because the luxury boxes are shit seats. You can't see anything from up there.

[Mike]

And you're right. It's not like something that'll pass or be forgotten. Every week you're around the same people, right? Yeah, but. All right, so tomorrow. Oh, my God. I didn't even think of this part because I was gonna bring up that everyone is saying you have to dress up to go to this Grateful Dead Halloween show.

[Greg]

Yeah, we're going to the Hollywood bowl to see the Grateful Dead. And.

[Mike]

But people are gonna dress up for this Chargers game, too. That's the part I didn't think about. I'm not dressing up.

[Greg]

I'm not dressing up for the Chargers game.

[Mike]

I'm already masquerading as someone that's interested in the Chargers.

[Greg]

First of all, we're gonna be fucking exhausted by the end of this concert. I'm 55, you know, not to mention, like, the drug. We're gonna take drugs and dance. It's gonna. I'm gonna come home. I'm not gonna be able to throw a move on the wife. I'm gonna need to take a Viagra or something.

[Mike]

I might leave it. Halftime. I don't not care about this game.

[Greg]

Oh, it's gonna be a great game. I love the Chargers. I watch the Chargers every day.

[Mike]

I do want to see the quarterbacks go at each. I do want to see that. Because it's New England and then New England. I love that.

[Greg]

Both brand new quarterbacks. I think Herbert. Is that his name? Herbert?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Is Oregon Herbert? What?

[Mike]

Yeah. From Oregon?

[Greg]

Yeah. He's. I think it's his second year. And then I think the guy with The. With the Patriots is. I think he's. It's his first or second year out of Alabama. Yeah.

[Mike]

Sports guys are listening to us flail here, but we don't give a. That's. Sorry, we just don't. So. But I do know that guy. I think he's Alabama, but in that game against the pit, against Tom Brady, against Tampa, New England, Tampa, he was like, if I was the other side, I'd be scared because he like had a smile on and it wasn't like a shit eating grin. It was kind of like, let's have fun out here.

[Greg]

Yeah, let's have.

[Mike]

Let's have fun and win.

[Greg]

Right?

[Mike]

And he. And he almost did, Right?

[Greg]

Yeah, so that'll be fun. But. But I think Mac Jones, I. Yeah, Mac Jones is a rookie from Alabama and Herbert, who's the second year out of Oregon, and Herbert really does look like a guy who's got 20 huge years ahead of him in the NFL.

[Mike]

He is our friend. Yeah, go ahead.

[Greg]

He's confident, he's smart, He's. He'll fucking dive on a, On a, on a. On a fourth down. He's great.

[Mike]

Yeah, he's a great athlete. He. So Gubbins, our friend Dennis Gubbins, who is cutting the booster shot line now,

[Greg]

I heard that he's. Yeah, he's sneaking it to get the booster shot ahead of people of color. I've had of transvestites ahead of people that have speech difficulties.

[Mike]

Transvestites, huh? That's who he's cutting in front of.

[Greg]

Yes. They can't speak that good.

[Mike]

So he took me to the Oregon, Wisconsin game in the Rose. It was the Rose Bowl. The Rose Bowl. And I watched Herbert. I believe, if I have this right, I think that was. Yeah, of course, it was pre. Covid. It was his senior or his last year in Oregon. I think he was a senior.

[Greg]

Well, here's, here's Gubbin's other graph that he's trying to pull right now is he brought me to see the Stones a couple weeks ago and he had tickets from. I won't say who, but a big celebrity who has a box at. At the Sofi Stadium. And he. And this guy called up Dennis and he goes, hey, you got six tickets. Bring whoever you want. So I'm sure he called you first and, and whatever he got down the list.

[Mike]

I don't think he did. You know, he knew. He knew my whole fucking saga that I, I couldn't even get rid of the ticket and I was going to

[Greg]

Memphis, so he Calls me and I'm so fucking excited. It was day of. And we go to the concert and we have a blast. And, you know, I buy him food and we didn't have to pay for parking, but whatever. So it was fun. And then he goes to me. He go. And then. And then I invite him three days later to go to the Dodgers game when they were in the NLCs and which were huge tickets and he couldn't make it. He. He said, thanks, but I can't make it. But I figured that would. You know, he was the first person I called when I got the ticket. So now he says to me, so I assume I'm not paying for the Grateful Dead, whatevs. But. But whatevs. Now, what do you think about that? Should. Now, I paid for his ticket. I bought him a ticket for the Grateful Dead, which the understanding was he was gonna pay me back. And now suddenly he's hedging on that because he brought me to a concert that he did not pay for the ticket for.

[Mike]

I understand the terms. I think the Dodger game is important in this because you did try to, you know, you know, wash his back, so to speak, in the same way,

[Greg]

because the Dodger Dodgers back, whether you

[Mike]

wash it, it's a thick lather back there. Let's face it. So anyway, because, you know, your Dodger tickets were free to you also. So that was like an in kind gesture. I think he should pay for the. The Dead tickets. There, I said it. Okay, maybe I take it back. Well, here's a night. What if he just got you mushrooms for free?

[Greg]

I already got him.

[Mike]

Oh, you headed him off at the pass. All right, let's move this podcast along. What was that song?

[Greg]

Oh, my God. Tony Kakase, who is a guy who has given us great songs in the past, has thrown down the gauntlet to John Cabrera. John Cabrera is the guy that gives us highly produced, incredible songs. He's given us. I think he's given us nine so far.

[Mike]

First of all, everyone out there, these songs, we've never not had one. And then the artwork also. But just these people who were engaging. And then, of course, the artwork. You know, we put it. I know I chose the second most popular, but we put it on a mug and we just want to thank you. Like, this is. We started this during COVID I don't think we thought it would go this. And we haven't missed a week.

[Greg]

We have.

[Mike]

We have to talk about it. By the way, I'm in Michigan next week, so That's. We have to talk about that. But anyway, thank you, guys. And Cabrera and Casa. Is that his pronunciation?

[Greg]

Yeah. And Casas kind of said he's. He's shown his respect for Cabrera by saying that he. He. He's challenging him with this week's song, and he matches the challenge. This is very much like Remember when the. Remember when the. The. The Beatles put out sergeant Pepper? Oh, no, the Beach Boys put out Pet Sounds first, and then the Beatles heard it, and they were so inspired and challenged by how great it was that they put out sergeant Peppers.

[Mike]

Yes. Although I think they're. You know, they ended the album before that. What is it? Tomorrow? Never. They had already started their acid influenced sergeant Pepper's sound and all that on the album before.

[Greg]

Right.

[Mike]

I'm just brain dead right now. Oh, we want to talk about the. We're talking about the Beatles later. That trailer, man. We're talking about it.

[Greg]

But anyway, this song is so good. And again, this is not to intimidate people that want to write songs for us. We also celebrate something that you did on your fucking computer with a ukulele and a girlfriend who. Who sounds like a bear. Whatever sounds you got, send them in. We love them all and we play them all. Well, not all of them, obviously. Some of them are really bad, so send them in. Fitzdogradio, gmail.com. also, the logo from Matthew Bain this week. That animation. That animation is very nice, isn't it?

[Mike]

It's very cool. We got a sneak peek of it, I think, last week, maybe. I think. Or it came in. You sent it to me.

[Greg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Just to. Just to clarify those at the end. The last track on Revolver was Tomorrow Never Knows, and that was like the stepping stone, if you will, to sergeant Peppers, which came out, you know, whatever, the next couple months later. All right, what do we got?

[Greg]

Corrections. We got some corrections. Mark Stanker says, I love the podcast. Just a trivial correction. Last week, when talking about how cheap Burger King is with his app, Mike said, economies to scale should be economies of scale.

[Mike]

Great point. Great point.

[Greg]

Blizzard of Oz says the IBM Chess computer is called Deep Blue. I might have said blue is the nickname for IBM. If you guys just keep talking, you'll get it right eventually.

[Mike]

No, clearly we won't. Unless our continued talking is the corrections section of the podcast.

[Greg]

Yes, I will be. Coming up, folks. San Francisco punchline. I've been looking forward to this date for months. This is my first or second favorite club in the country. It's November 4th through the 6th. Go to get [e-mail] and then dates coming up in Boston, Portland and Lexington, Kentucky. Coming up soon. Don't forget the mug. Christmas is Coming. The Sunday papers mug. Just imagine yourself pouring a hot cup into a giant 14 ounce mug and kicking back Indian style in an overstuffed chair. Cat in your lap, naked woman masturbating in front of you while you listen to the Sunday papers. Come on.

[Mike]

Wait, that was distracting.

[Greg]

What happened?

[Mike]

Think of the mug this way. If you're on the fence about the mug, think of it this way. We've tried to keep this. We have kept this podcast free, and this is one way. Now, meanwhile, this is how much money we make on the podcast.

[Greg]

I. All right, easy, easy. No, no, no. Don't. Don't start getting into that from mug sales.

[Mike]

I just want to be able to not pay for a mug of my own. That's all. That's all I was gonna say.

[Greg]

Okay, so why did you.

[Mike]

Why'd you stop me talking about that?

[Greg]

Because I. You start getting to. You disclose too much about our finances on this show, and I don't like it.

[Mike]

People don't like hearing we lose money to entertain them.

[Greg]

No, we don't lose it.

[Mike]

This week I bought an adapter. I bought an adapter, Greg. You don't understand the investment I make in this. I am now hardlined because people were complaining about my video. I guess stuttering and freezing.

[Greg]

I think you were stuttering and then you were freezing because you didn't take your medication for your adhd. It was not technology.

[Mike]

I have all these coats. I'm surrounded by coats. Why am I freezing?

[Greg]

It's probably the chemicals from the dry cleaners, and it's just making your brain shut down.

[Mike]

This is the only martinized podcast location fully Martinized.

[Greg]

You know what's really great is when we get ads that we really believe in and get excited about, and one of them is, oh, my God, do we love Magic Spoon Mike. I asked for more. I've been begging our fucking agent for more cereal.

[Mike]

I asked for more. I'm waiting for it.

[Greg]

You know, you can just buy it because we have a promo code.

[Mike]

Well, getting back to the income from this podcast.

[Greg]

There we go. So listen, here's what it boils down to. You want to get up in the morning and not. You're trying to get your energy going. The last thing you want is. Is like a load of sugar and crap that's gonna crap you out early on in your day. So when you eat Magic spoon, you're getting 0 grams of sugar in a serving. 13 to 14 grams of protein and 4 net grams of carbs. 140 calories a serving. Keto friendly, gluten free, grain free, soy free, low carb. And you build your own box. Flavors to build your very own custom bundle are Cocoa, fruity, frosted, peanut butter, blueberry, cinnamon. It's all the flavors that you loved as a kid. It's like the same cereals you loved as a kid, but now it's a healthy version. It's like a dream.

[Mike]

Did you mention gluten free?

[Greg]

I did.

[Mike]

It's. Well, you said grain. Oh, you did.

[Greg]

And grain free, but I think it froze for a second.

[Mike]

It's. Oh, I haven't had. Well, I haven't had the cereal, so I'm a little slow off the mark. But it really, it's just a bonus that it has all that because it's, it's extremely healthy. If it was just in the healthy category, it would be a win, but it's like extremely healthy.

[Greg]

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[Mike]

You don't have to tell me. And this is another one. Ask the agent. Please send me more. I guess I'm gonna have to buy them, but I brought them to Glacier national park in the backpack and they're awesome.

[Greg]

They've got less than a gram of sugar in each bar. Or 1 or 2 grams of sugar. No, 1 gram of sugar, 2 to 3 grams of net carbs, and they're only 140 calories. So this is, this is like our other product. I mean, start off your day with some cereal from Magic Spoon. And then during the day, I crash out. I get low blood sugar and I need a granola bar. And most granola bars, if you look at the ingredients, it's crap. It's garbage.

[Mike]

And does this sound familiar? Gluten free grain Free plant based.

[Greg]

Yeah. Nice.

[Mike]

Come on. Non gmo. No soy, buddy. No soy, no trans fat.

[Greg]

Coconut Cocoa chip. Peanut butter. Blueberry. Vanilla almond. Blueberry. Vanilla almond is my favorite. It's just. Oh, my God. I just.

[Mike]

Nope, not even close. Coconut Cocoa chip.

[Greg]

See, everybody's different. So it's got a chewy, soft texture. Reminds you of granola bars from your childhood. Sweet tastes better. Clean, simple ingredients. No high intensity sweetener or aftertaste that is common with low sugar items. So anyway, try it for yourself and see. And we have a special deal for our listeners. 20% off your first purchase of any Munk Pack product by visiting monkpak.com and entering our code papers at checkout. And Munk Pack is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't like it for any reason, they'll exchange the product or refund your money, whichever you prefer. Get started. Go to monkmunkpack.com and select any product and then enter the code papers at checkout to save 20% off your purchase. Munk Pack. Delicious, nutritious food you can count on. We thank them for sponsoring the podcast.

[Mike]

I thank them for sending a free box my way. I love it.

[Greg]

You know what? I just got in the mail? I got some Raycons. Raycons are the best. Ear. Do you call them earbuds? You call them earbuds? Yeah, they go in your ear. And they fit so snug and tight that I go to the gym and I work out and I'm sweating my ass off. I. I'm jumping up and down. You. You've seen me work out. It's crazy.

[Mike]

Mike, you're a lunatic.

[Greg]

And they stay snug in my ears. There's horrible gym music playing, and I don't. And I only hear my music that's. That's playing through my ears.

[Mike]

I need them right now because my. My ears are thick with this cold. So I. I'm get. I'm getting them.

[Greg]

Yeah. So do it at the gym. That's my. That's my big recommendation. And they've got different modes. Pure mode, which is for like podcast listening. Blues, instrumental balance mode, which again is for podcasts, but also for rock, heavy metal, and then bass mode. That's for your hip hop, boys and girls.

[Mike]

Bass mode's cool.

[Greg]

Edm, reggae. I don't know which one is for the Grateful Dead. I'm gonna say bass mode.

[Mike]

I would go bass mode with all music just because all the music is so condensed that it Sounds, you know, it sounds a little thin.

[Greg]

So yeah, they've also got this. They look good, they look sleek. They slip right in your ear. And they've got an all new awareness mode for when you need to listen to your surroundings. You hit a button and you can talk to people. And then they play for eight hours. Yeah. 32 hour battery life, built in microphone. You can use it to take phone calls. They start at half the price of other premium audio brands. And sound just as good. I think better. And raycons come with a 45 day happiness guarantee. So right now, Sunday papers listeners can get 15% off their Raycon order at buyraycon r-a c o n.com papers that's buyraycon.com papers to save 15% off Raycons buyraycon.com papers. Okay. Lot of ads today.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg]

That's the money for you, Mike. All you care about is the money.

[Mike]

No, I care about robberies in New Jersey also.

[Greg]

Oh, what happened?

[Mike]

Front page, front page. Extra, extra. Read all about it. Extra.

[Greg]

First story, 25 minutes in. That's quick for us.

[Mike]

Go for it. This is your story.

[Greg]

A New Jersey father of two was followed home from a casino after winning big and shot to death in his office. During a robbery attempt, Pharmaceutical executive Sri Avanpeli, 54 was trailed for 50 miles. 50 miles. They followed him from a casino in Pennsylvania to his upscale home in New Jersey where he was attacked while his wife and daughter were upstairs in their beds. Aravapalli was shot several times. He was pronounced dead. The father had been cashing in $10,000 worth of winnings at the casino. Surveillance camera footage shows two cars following the man as he headed home.

[Mike]

Well, I said it last week and I'm gonna do it again. I think it was the Amish. I think it was. He was in Pennsylvania.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And he was killed at 3:30am and it took. Listen, when you're in a horse carriage going 50 miles, it takes a while to get there. Yeah, but they were tracking them. They're good at tracking the Amish.

[Greg]

And you can't see them. They. They're all dark. They're all. They dress for the part. They're. They just stealthy. And then when they chop up your

[Mike]

body, they respect them.

[Greg]

And when they chop up your body, they can't use like a power saw. They have to do it the old fashioned way with a fucking hacksaw and an axe.

[Mike]

So they had their musket and they blew this guy away. That is scary.

[Greg]

Now you got to worry any Place, you know, where you're carrying cash. You're gonna. It's. It's logic. They look for places you're gonna carry cash. That's where they're gonna rob you. You're leaving. If you're leaving an ATM machine, maybe you've just confronted your old boy scout leader. Perhaps you played a round of golf with Mike Gibbons. You've got cash in your pocket.

[Mike]

Oh, boy scout leader. No, the ATM thing is very real. That happens. Yeah, it's. It is scary.

[Greg]

Yeah. Well, that's one of the arguments I hear for bitcoin and why they legalized it. You know, they legalized it in like, was it El Salvador? It was a poor Central American country. Legalized bitcoin. And the reason why is, say you've got your gardener or your housekeeper is, you know, undocumented. And they're sending money back to their families back in wherever, Guatemala. They wire the money, which costs a lot of money to wire money on your end. You gotta pay a certain commission, and then they pay a commission when they receive the money down there. And then they got bandits that follow them home because they know that they just picked up cash and they get robbed. So with bitcoin, people can just transfer it on their phone and not have to worry about getting robbed.

[Mike]

Oh, there you go.

[Greg]

Yep. Also you can.

[Mike]

Oh, they're going to tie your grandmother up in the basement and get that.

[Greg]

Yeah, right.

[Mike]

Get that pin code from her.

[Greg]

I don't think they have a lot of basements in El Salvador.

[Mike]

Wait, is this culture too poor for basements?

[Greg]

Too poor for basements?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Greg]

The story of El Salvador.

[Mike]

There's no basements in Los Angeles.

[Greg]

None. None.

[Mike]

There's a few, There's a few, but they're exceptional.

[Greg]

It is one of the things I truly miss about the east coast is that free space. It's like a gift. It's an area that your wife can't tell you to clean. And people. And you can, you can sort of like do like our basement growing up. We had a. We had a pretty good sized house growing up. And our basement was the entire length of the house. We had one room that had a ping pong table.

[Mike]

I was there. Pool table.

[Greg]

Pool table. We had a bar. We had like a full like bartender style bar. There was a bathroom.

[Mike]

Basements are the best. Are you kidding me? Yeah, it's great.

[Greg]

Yeah. And we used to ride roller skates around in the basement because it was just a shitty tile floor.

[Mike]

Oh, my buddy Rich, growing up, we would shoot hockey pucks. He had a net set up. There was like, you know, the cinder block wall, which was unfinished, on the far end of the basement. And we would just shoot pucks. Like. It was amazing. While it was raining out, I had

[Greg]

sex on the pool table and there was a stain in the corner pocket.

[Mike]

Really?

[Greg]

Yep.

[Mike]

All right.

[Greg]

From my ejaculate.

[Mike]

Were you with anyone or was it just the corner pocket?

[Greg]

Just the corner pocket. But I called the shot and I said, hot load, corner pocket. I fucking made it.

[Mike]

After a big scratch, I just came all over that corner pocket.

[Greg]

Oh, my God. The good times in the basement. Did you. You didn't have a basement. You lived in an apartment.

[Mike]

I lived in. I remember I was poor till 8th grade. No, I live in an apartment. But I don't know why la. Of course you're gonna say it's on a fault line. But why doesn't la. Who the earthquake's gonna hit? Is the basement worse off than the house that's on the ground? I don't understand it.

[Greg]

I don't understand it either. I'd love somebody to explain to me why there's no basements in California. Maybe you can write into the show if you.

[Mike]

There's no water to be afraid of. In other words, digging down. Because east coast moisture is a huge issue with basements.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There's mold. You really have to build the basement very. To code and seal out the moisture because there's. You hit water when you dig like three feet down.

[Greg]

I think it might have had something to do with. A lot of the building in California was done cheaply. They just didn't. They didn't feel like the square footage wasn't worth so much money that they wanted extra square footage by making a basement. They just slapped homes up. But let's explain the new homes.

[Mike]

Well, you know, listen, I bought and sold homes in Los Angeles. When you look under your house in la, you know that literally, it's like the house is on cinder blocks.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then a huge code passed where everyone had a retrofit their houses. Because before that, almost all the houses weren't even attached to said cinder blocks.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

They just sat on them.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then earthquakes would happen and the. The. I guess they were like two by eights. Whatever. These, you know, whatever the beams were under the house would, like, shake off of the cement, like, foundation.

[Greg]

Yeah. So what was the big earthquake? 93. Was that the one really? 94. You.

[Mike]

I don't know if I've told you we are overdue. I don't know If I brought that up.

[Greg]

Wait, I haven't in a while. We're not talking about the stock market right now.

[Mike]

I'm. The other shoe is dropping. I'm telling you, if there weren't more signs now. I mean, please. All right, what do we got?

[Greg]

Oh, my God. I just got a text from Evan Dunsky. They're gonna spend the entire winter in Vermont.

[Mike]

Why wouldn't they? It's heaven on earth. Oh, my God, there's moonlight up there.

[Greg]

Joe Biden is in the news. He met up with a guy, maybe you've heard of a guy named Frank. Pope Francis. They had long talks on climate change, poverty, and the two most prominent Roman Catholics in the world ran into overtime. And they had a very personal discussion. They talked about his son dying. They joked about aging. Biden wears a rosary and attends mass weekly. Yet his support for abortion rights and same sex marriage has put him at odds with many US Bishops, some of whom have suggested he should be denied Communion. But Biden said he and Francis did not discuss abortion, but offered that the Pope said, quote, he was happy. I'm a good Catholic and I should keep receiving Communion.

[Mike]

He thinks that's what he said. He doesn't understand a word of Italian or Spanish.

[Greg]

He's not Italian, you idiot.

[Mike]

Or Spanish. No, but you know, I saw an Italian translator this week with Biden, but I guess that's cuz he was there.

[Greg]

Well, you know, Vatican cities in Italy, right?

[Mike]

How about Latin? Why don't I say Latin?

[Greg]

Okay, that's a good. That's a good one.

[Mike]

Because no matter what, Francis speaks a lot of Latin. You remember my dumb joke about Pope Francis? He's Latino, and of course all humans are his sons and daughters, and yet his brother Carlos somehow has more children. It's a. It's a racist joke. All right, I gotta go on a little rant here.

[Greg]

All right, give us a rant, Mike.

[Mike]

Presidents talking about religion and their religious beliefs. I think that has a calming effect. And maybe it's with all leaders, but in America especially. And it's like, oh, good. And I know, I know there's only been two, I believe two Catholic presidents, but I'm talking about religious like Bush. Bush was more religious than Biden. I think the Bush son, Dick, anyway. But I think people are like, oh, good, our leader is God fearing. You know what I mean? Do you think that's true?

[Greg]

Yeah, I think it. I think they want to know that he's going to support. Most people think their religion is more important than their nationality, right?

[Mike]

And he's God fearing in that he'll do the right thing, because he. It's in. It's built in there. He's afraid. He's afraid of, like, you know, doing something morally wrong or whatever. But it has the exact opposite effect on me. To me, I'm like, wait, the leader of the free world talks to a man in the sky. The guy. The guy who, who could press, you know, the fire buttons on missiles. The guy who can dictate policy around the world. He believes, and he also believes that that's. This man in the sky cucked Joseph and put his son in the belly of a virgin. It just like, no, you're not going to be a leader if you believe in this. By the way, side note, I never really thought about this. How confusing that must have been for poor Mary. Mary had no sex. All of a sudden she's getting fat as shit with this pretty important soul in her belly. It's very weird.

[Greg]

Oh, yeah, she's getting fat and then. And then, and then a vision comes to her at night and tells her that she has the Messiah in her belly.

[Mike]

Is that what happened?

[Greg]

She's like 17. Yeah. God came and told her.

[Mike]

Meanwhile, Joseph's looking at Mary sleeping with his big belly, like, what the fuck?

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And I never thought of this before. Also, the son, you know, the man in the sky, son, if this is true, he must have been like, dad, you couldn't have chosen parents with a little more cash. I was born in a fucking barn. These dirt bags are poor as fuck.

[Greg]

Dad, you literally picked homeless people. You had me born to homeless people. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

My mom's never even had sex. This is weird. Okay. But this brings me to something I wanted to bring up last week. You wonder why we're having pushback on vaccinations and on masks. 72% of Americans believe in angels. 72.

[Greg]

No.

[Mike]

Believe in. In creatures with wings.

[Greg]

Wow.

[Mike]

Benevolent creatures with wings that fly. Around 72%. These are rational in theory, rational Americans.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Greg]

By the way, do you notice that 72% covers a lot of, like. Like 72% believe that the election was stolen and 72% believe that, you know, Trump was. There's. There's so many. 72% in this country that are not really tethered to reality.

[Mike]

All right. In this poll. It's a Gallup poll, by the way, and they do it every few years. One of the ways they asked was, all right, we're going to give you another option. Maybe you're unsure if angels exist. 12% chose that box. Just 12?

[Greg]

Wow.

[Mike]

Nope. I am sure. And then 16% said no. So I give them credit. But only 12% are unsure. Crazy.

[Greg]

So you don't believe in angels?

[Mike]

No, no. I'm part of the 72%. And so then also the question. 79% believe in God, but only 61% believe in the devil. It's like you can't have it both ways. Fuck face. If you're gonna believe in this man in the sky who does good, good, good, good, good, you're not gonna believe in evil.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Wrong. You can't. Sorry. The devil comes with God. It's a package deal.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There's a book about it. You should try reading it.

[Greg]

It is an interesting distinction that you're pointing out. I mean, when you put trust in a guy who's supposed to disseminate whether or not supply side economics is more economically viable than tax cuts on the, on the. Or raising taxes on the rich. Like all these very like you have to be sane. And so this is a guy who makes, who lives in a make believe city. The Vatican. A magic city. He wears a hat that makes him look like the ace of spades. Said that a man who believes fetuses can be murdered in a woman's belly can eat a piece of bread that they literally believe is is human flesh from 2000 years ago. I mean, what else in the news that competes with that did a yodeling goose juggling human eyes that see into the future turn Lake Mead into a giant bowl of Cocoa Krispies? Like what tops that news story?

[Mike]

I think the separation of church and state should go as far as we need a brain in there that is separate from the church also. Yes, because maybe that's why the church is still not paying taxes.

[Greg]

So you're saying only atheists for president.

[Mike]

That's exactly what I'm saying.

[Greg]

Okay.

[Mike]

I think that's a fair thing.

[Greg]

Atheists are annoying.

[Mike]

Now do you talk, do you talk to an imaginary person? I do. This job's not for you.

[Greg]

Right?

[Mike]

Is that crazy? That sounds like the sanest thing ever.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I don't. Also, God forbid this guy now gets ideas who believes in this man in the sky, as they say, with God on his side, you think he's going to feel sorry for what he thinks are evil people and wiping them off the face of the earth?

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

No way. It's a mission.

[Greg]

Do you believe in this make believe guy and this book that was written 2000 years ago? Do you believe in it so much that Every week you're willing to write a check to an institution that is paying off victims of pedophilia. Because if you starve the church and they don't have the money, they will not be able to pay off the victims, and instead the victims will press charges and the priests will go to jail. So you are abetting in paying off

[Mike]

these victims the amount they've paid out and they got the ppp. We already covered that. All right, let's go, because we're losing these angel believing fans.

[Greg]

Here we go.

[Mike]

Let's get to Facebook.

[Greg]

This is the story everybody's waiting for us to talk about. Facebook changed its name. Mark Zuckerberg announced that from now on they'll be known as Meta, Which is such a fucking pretentious name. Like anybody that's ever said meta. Not anybody. There's been certain circumstances where meta made sense, but it's an overused word by pseudo intellectuals.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Greg]

During his presentation, it replaced organic.

[Mike]

Go ahead.

[Greg]

He explained how he wanted the company to transition from a social media company to a metaverse company. I've never met a person under 35 who uses Facebook.

[Mike]

Wait, what's your other one?

[Greg]

You said Meta World. P. Well, Meta World piece changed his name. And no one gave him. Well, no, actually everybody gave him.

[Mike]

No, I think you had something really funny, which was this is all. All of this has happened because Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg never met a girl who was into them.

[Greg]

Yeah. You know, and the whole idea of this, this is happening coincidentally as Facebook is being sucked into the congressional hearings and breaking the possibility of breaking up the company and all that. And so this is a distraction. And he thinks that changing this name is going to solve that. He should also change his name to Zuckerberg.

[Mike]

But it's also way worse than you're saying because they've been caught, they've been busted. It's not just like, oh, everyone's sick of it, and look at the direction it's heading. They've been caught. Lie. It's, of course it's having negative effects. There's all of that. Which is true. But they've also been caught red handed.

[Greg]

Lying. Right.

[Mike]

So anyway, yeah, it's like a little disturbing when the company's like, under such intense scrutiny with calls to shut it down. And what's your pivot? No, it's getting bigger. In fact, it's gonna be a metaverse.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Which is bigger than the universe. In fact, I feel sorry for the universe. It's only one verse.

[Greg]

Yeah. So he's gone Bigger. That's ballsy. You gotta respect the balls on this guy.

[Mike]

Oh, it's not. It began with him stealing Facebook. What don't we get about this guy's balls?

[Greg]

Speaking of balls, have you seen the symbol for meta?

[Mike]

No.

[Greg]

It's like an infinity symbol, like an 8 sideways. But it looks like a pair of balls, and people are already writing dicks on top of the two balls.

[Mike]

I like it already. You know, they're gonna keep the social network called Facebook, by the way. I did read that.

[Greg]

Oh, really?

[Mike]

Yeah. They're not gonna change that. You're not gonna be, like, my meta friend. I think you're going to stay my Facebook friend. I don't do Facebook, though. Although I do Instagram, so apparently I do do Facebook.

[Greg]

The only thing I do is I. Whatever I tweet, I think automatically gets fed onto Facebook as a post. But I don't really go there and interact with people. I spend so much time trying to stay in touch with people. I love when people write to me, whether it's at the website or it's on the YouTube channel. People leave comments, Instagram, Twitter, and I try to reply to everybody, but I can't do Facebook. That's. That's beyond what I'm capable of.

[Mike]

Same. And it's really. Yeah, it's gotten so evil. It's. It's really immeasurable almost. How the privacy issues alone, never mind the false information. And spreading lies. Written more than spreading lies. They're the home base for lies.

[Greg]

Yeah. All right. Kentucky.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Greg]

The superintendent of an eastern Kentucky school district said appropriate disciplinary action has been taken after photos surfaced showing students giving lap dances to staff as part of Hazards High School Homecoming Week festivities. Photos were taken down from the athletic department's Facebook page showing students in underwear giving lap dances to faculty and staff, including Principal Donald Happy Mobilini, who was also mayor of the Perry county city.

[Mike]

Happy was also mayor.

[Greg]

He was the mayor, too.

[Mike]

It's unfortunate the principal's name was Happy. It's like, sir, this happened under your watch. Well, yes, but I am not happy about it. In fact, sir, you are.

[Greg]

You are happy. You are.

[Mike]

Are you denying you're happy?

[Greg]

Yeah. Is this the vice president Sneezy and is that Dopey the gym teacher?

[Mike]

Can you. In the courtroom, we have one of the kids who gave a lap dance. Can you point to the Happy person in the room right there? Let the record state they pointed right at Happy.

[Greg]

Let the record show he's pointing at the guy who's smiling ear to ear. Other photos on the athletics page were taken down show showing female students dressed up in hooters outfits as well as students and staff appearing to paddle one another. I gotta tell you something. This is a fuckin homecoming. I know. JoJo did not go to homecoming. I didn't go to homecoming. Nobody goes to fucking homecoming. I've already booked tickets for eastern Tennessee for next year. I will be at this homecoming. They put the coming into homecoming. Let's just put it that way.

[Mike]

First of all, it's not eastern Tennessee, it's Kentucky. And you're going there. You just. You announced you're going there?

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike]

So you're psyched.

[Greg]

I can't wait.

[Mike]

The most surprising thing about the Kentucky videos at the school is no one was in blackface, which so they didn't believe the video was real. Also, I think this is like. This school is like. Oh wait, hold on. You know all of this footage, okay, it's maybe not that appropriate. It's simulated sex. All the other high schools have video of real sex between students and teachers.

[Greg]

Yeah, right.

[Mike]

Like can we throw us a little credit here?

[Greg]

I know if this was Florida, this would not be pretend.

[Mike]

All right, let's. More high school news. You put another story in here.

[Greg]

Okay. In Ohio, a high school canceled a student play after some local residents objected to a gay character. This Hillsborough High School east of Cincinnati canceled the scheduled production of she Kills Monsters on Thursday after weeks of rehearsal. School administrators told students that the cancellation was due to the presence of a gay character.

[Mike]

The play. I don't know. There's an update to the story. The plays back on when they found out that the gay is also the monster.

[Greg]

Yeah, right.

[Mike]

Yeah, but I can't believe they had they said that like that the administrators said it was due to. And this isn't even a joke. Like I would have thought they would have come up with a BS excuse. You know, like we don't like the term monster. We don't like the word kill. Yeah, the pronoun. She is challenging. There's a lot of presumptions there. Like they just know there's a gay character.

[Greg]

Yeah, no, and I looked it up online and there was a ton of high school plays that have been canceled because of gay characters. Rental. There was a high school who's doing Rent. They canceled that.

[Mike]

Rent had. I believe Rent had one straight character. That was my memory of that musical. But go ahead.

[Greg]

But they are going to replace it

[Mike]

with the producers 5,920 gays. I slaughter that. It's seconds in A year or something. Anyway, let's go. What did you say?

[Greg]

They're replacing it with the Producers. A play about a man who takes money from old ladies he has sex with to produce a play celebrating Nazis.

[Mike]

That sounds more Ohio.

[Greg]

But here's the crazy thing is that they are stopping this play because there's a gay character. Here's a news flash. Three quarters of the kids acting in the play are gay or are gonna come out as gay.

[Mike]

You're saying only six out of eight, right? All right.

[Greg]

Local news. That's your thing. Oh, look, there's nothing in it.

[Mike]

Well, there was no local news.

[Greg]

Well, there was no local news. There was a fucking. My entire neighborhood was shut down for 12 hours on Tuesday because some guy there was like. Somebody stole a car, and then they smashed it into staples, and then there was a shootout, and then they fled in three directions. The cops couldn't find any of them. They closed the entire neighborhood down. We had a friend come over our house because she wasn't allowed to go to her block to get to her house. She was out walking her fucking dog when it happened.

[Mike]

Okay, so you have this, and you decide. Nah, I'm not gonna write that in the local news section of the podcast. I do every week.

[Greg]

I forgot

[Mike]

I have a fix for this. I'm gonna pretend I'm doing the podcast today from Ohio. And let's just move that last story down to local news, and we're set.

[Greg]

All right, Nice.

[Mike]

And now it's time to move on to entertainment.

[Greg]

Entertainment.

[Mike]

All right. You wrote the word Goliath in here.

[Greg]

I have. I watched. We're on season two of Goliath right now. I got to tell you something. This show is as good as any drama that's been made in the last 10 years.

[Mike]

I love season one.

[Greg]

Billy Bob Thornton should be getting Emmys for this show every fucking year.

[Mike]

Billy Bob Thornton is great. I really can watch him in anything. Oh, my God. That heartbreaking one where they found the money in the woods. Plane crash or something.

[Greg]

Right, right. Oh, he's so subtle and so interesting and cool. He's just. Some actors are just cool. They're just fucking cool.

[Mike]

Funny.

[Greg]

James Caan. There's certain people that just possess a coolness that you can't fake.

[Mike]

He's cooler than Khan. There, I said it.

[Greg]

And you know what? I'm so glad he wore blood around his neck. From the hottest actress in the last 30 years. Yes. Yes. Was that crazy? If she told me to wear blood around my neck, I would have worn blood if she told me to tattoo her fucking name on my neck, I. I would have done it. He went all in.

[Mike]

Is it any different than, like, holding some hot girls Ridiculously stupid cute dog that has a bow in its hair? Like, in other words, like, it's like, all right, what do I got to do to get in this girl's pants?

[Greg]

Yeah, right, right.

[Mike]

Okay. That's a little more than, like, you know, going to a chick flick. Blood in a vial around my neck, but okay.

[Greg]

And if she's going to put blood, blood around your neck, what is she gonna do in bed? What would Angelina do in bed? Oh, God.

[Mike]

All right. Save it for Blondie.

[Greg]

By the way, Chris Demon just wrote, he also plays in a band. Of course.

[Mike]

Yeah. No, no, no, he does. And he's really, really. He's really legitimately funny, too.

[Greg]

He's the Marc Marin of acting. He's the Marc Maron Marin is. Plays in a band now.

[Mike]

Oh, I got it. Really?

[Greg]

I saw a video of him playing at.

[Mike]

Yeah, he's very, very, very into music.

[Greg]

Tell you what, he's fucking good. He's a good guitarist, I'm sure.

[Mike]

Yeah, he talked.

[Greg]

He used to play in a band with. Mitch Hedberg was in the band. And I believe Todd Barry played drums back in New York.

[Mike]

Yeah, I would pay just. I would just pay to watch Todd Berry practice drums.

[Greg]

He's a drummer. And then Bill Burr is actually an amazing drummer. Who is Bill Burr?

[Mike]

I didn't know that.

[Greg]

Oh, yeah. He's got a kid at his house. He's been playing his whole life. He takes a lot of lessons. And when he played Madison Square Garden, he got into the Garden early for a rehearsal and they set up equipment and he and his band. He doesn't really have a band, but he put together some places, players, and they played Madison Square Garden. Wow.

[Mike]

All right. I've seen a lot of, you know, I guess tis the season to see really disturbing movies.

[Greg]

All right.

[Mike]

I saw this movie Titan. I don't think I talked about it last week. Do you know about this movie Titan?

[Greg]

No.

[Mike]

All right. It's similar to. There's another movie going around, Malignant, I think it's called. And it's very similar in disturbing ways. But last night, it's now available to stream. Have you heard about this movie Lamb?

[Greg]

No.

[Mike]

Okay. I would. I would taper the edibles a little. I would. I would pull back a little on the edibles before watching Lamb. You'll start to question. You'll start to question everything in life.

[Greg]

Is it Gory or it's existential.

[Mike]

That's interesting. I would lean more. Definitely. No, gory is not a consideration. It's definitely leaning more towards existential. I don't know if that's the right word. It's. I can't say anything about either one. It's immediate spoils. Just know if you want. If you want to go on a. And Lamb is way better than Titan if you're going to prior

[Greg]

tonight with the wife.

[Mike]

I liked lamb. It's really well done. It's foreign. It's. But there's hardly any words, so don't worry about subtitles. There's no joke. You know, two and a half, three minutes is. Sounds like it's not that long. That's a long time for no dialogue. That happens all the time in this movie.

[Greg]

Yeah. What language is it?

[Mike]

It's. I think it's Icelandic, I believe. No need to correct me if I'm wrong. It's. It's a. It's a country in that region of the world and it's. It's. Bleak is the key word. It's a bleak landscape.

[Greg]

Is there any nudity?

[Mike]

Well, the animals are all nude.

[Greg]

Oh, boy. Hey, can we talk about that Beatles trailer that you sent around on a text chain this week?

[Mike]

Dude? I mean, so you watched it?

[Greg]

I cannot wait. I mean, I'm a Beatles fanatic. I think this is. Anyone. Not if you're not a Beatles fanatic. I don't know that you. That music is part of your life in any way. You. And this is like, it looks like such an insight into the height of their popularity.

[Mike]

I know a lot of people, there's pushback on Beatles because it's same with me. With Prince, it's like, all right, all right. I think Prince, I mean, he might be overhyped a lot. And the reason I'm saying that is because the world is telling me what a genius and how great Prince is. And this is the thing. I have to separate my pushback on Prince because I like Prince, but I have to concede he is all that. He really is amazing. But I'm a little like, you know, maybe it's a little like, can we make room for. He's not flawless. So I think the same thing goes on with the Beatles. But regardless, there's just some facts about the Beatles. All right, so my friend Chris Weinstein, he was always the one telling me, you kind of have it wrong if you're thinking Beatles are more John Lennon than Paul McCartney. Right. And we've talked about this before. But anyway, I brought up this. This Beatles trailer to him this week. And he's like. Because I talked to him about the end of. Of Abbey Road, that run that we talked about the other day.

[Greg]

She came in through the bedroom window.

[Mike]

Bathroom. And then that. It goes right. Yeah, that goes right through the. You know, to the song called the End. So this documentary, to back up a little bit, they decided to film them leading up to a concert for their. For what would be their last album. And they have 50. Some 54 hours of footage. Then George quits in the middle of it. Then Yoko gets involved and John, I believe, quits. And all of a sudden it's this disaster. And everyone was so bummed out that the Beatles broke up, including some of the Beatles, especially Paul, that they're like, forget it. Don't show this footage. And it's been locked away for 50 years.

[Greg]

And it's beautiful footage. Like, it's like they were filming a nice documentary on film.

[Mike]

Some of the footage we've seen, especially in the form of them playing on the roof, which I believe is the last time they played together. Maybe there was.

[Greg]

It was the last time. And they hadn't played together for years.

[Mike]

Before that, they hadn't played live for three years.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So it's amazing. But anyway, Weinstein texts me because I brought that up, and he's like, yeah, the three of them killing and trading off the. Sold the guitar solos towards the end of Abbey Road is unbelievable. And he's like, okay. The three of them doing that is a mere nine years since they were unknown pill heads in Hamburg. Their entire album career is seven years in 63. It's the Beatles. Please, please me, 1970, it's Let It Be. And he goes, I once read in Spin magazine, and he's paraphrasing, you need to understand this. These four uneducated guys from Nowheresville who could never read music, went from NSYNC to Radiohead in seven years with absolutely no roadmap. Everything they did, they were the first using feedback, backwards music, orchestration, sitars. And each time, they nailed it. And the world traveled in their wake. Yeah, it's insane.

[Greg]

It is insane. And the way that they. They were. They were real explorers. I mean, you just think about how they dealt with becoming the most famous people in the world. You know, John Lennon saying, we're bigger than. Than Jesus. And. And they truly were like. And they. They handled that and somehow, like, just kept searching. You know, they got into yoga, they got into hallucinogenics. They got into, you know, writing lyrics that were more and more complex, and they got into writing music that was more and more complex, you know, like all without any of them being able to read music. It was really insane.

[Mike]

I remember whenever friends of mine would turn 30, I'd get them a birthday card. I'd be like, congratulations. You know, like, happy birthday. Like, the Beatles had recorded all their albums and broke up before any of them were 30. But you've done a lot too. Like that. They. I think, like, one of them might have been 30. I know there's going to be technicalities, but generally speaking, the Beatles were over before those guys were 30. And if you look at them, they look like middle aged men at the end. I know they had been through divorces, they had gone to India to find themselves. They had been through drug habits. They were the biggest band in the world. They backed away from being the biggest band in the world. Like, all of that.

[Greg]

Yeah, right in their 20s. Speaking of bigger than Jesus, Chappelle, can we. Let's touch base real quick because here's something. In a case of instant Karma, the trans activist who has made media headlines for staging a walkout at Netflix against Dave Chappelle's comedy special has been called out for old racist tweets. Well, well, well. Ashley Marie Preston, she came under fire while planning a walkout with Netflix employees over his jokes about trans and LGBTQ communities. In his special closer, she wrote. She. She. She texted violence against, quote, homophobic against gay guys. Violence against, quote, ass ass fuck boy dick Ryder banished, quote, that faggot fucker and bragged of performing actual violence on, quote, the. This Asian bitch's head. And let me read you some of the tweets that she sent. She had a real fucking problem with Asian people, and I would say wrote the kind of things that really incite violence against Asian people.

[Mike]

Well, to be clear, I haven't seen these tweets, but just from what you've said in her defense, she's really just. She doesn't like Asian bitches.

[Greg]

He. She wrote, hold on, I'm pulling this up. Oh, God, it's got a fucking download now.

[Mike]

Oh, boy.

[Greg]

Wow.

[Mike]

I did not know this. That's not. That's not cool.

[Greg]

Not right. This isn't right. Oh, shit.

[Mike]

Also, someone wrote us. By the way, I read one of the things you forwarded me. Someone wrote us that Mike's going to keep defending Chappelle's own art. But meanwhile. And I think this is what they said, but meanwhile, he's not Recognizing that it's offensive to this community. Newsflash. Who gives a shit if someone is offended by a work of art? You think. You think there's not work of art out there that I'm offended by. Like, whether it's. Let's say I was religious, I guess I'm not offended. But let's say I was offended. That's part of it. Being offended isn't a crime.

[Greg]

Yeah. Being offended by art is kind of the point, isn't it? And, I mean, if you look back at the history, and particularly of, you know, blacks as a minority have spoken out in art in different ways. And if you look at the history of black comedy, great book by Cliff Nesteroff about the history of stand up in America that everybody should read. But you look at going back to Moms Mabley, going back to Red Fox, going back to Richard Pryor, they spoke out in a way that was, I'm sure, offensive to a lot of people. But you know what? It's like. Are you going to ban every movie on Netflix that depicts a world that goes against your particular genre or your predecolation? What is it? Predica?

[Mike]

I stopped listening to you. I'm looking something.

[Greg]

I kind of stopped talking. I'm distracted because I'm looking up this Twitter that this woman wrote.

[Mike]

Okay, we're both looking up stuff, guys. If you want in the podcast now, look something up on your own while we do this.

[Greg]

All right?

[Mike]

I'm not looking it up, but that was the person's premise who wrote in the. That they. That I'm not recognizing that it's offending this whole community. It's like, that's not your argument. Your argument should be, which I don't buy, is that he's inciting people to violence against this community. Okay, now that's a conversation, right? That they're offended. Who? Tough.

[Greg]

How offended were Asian people when she wrote this? Asian N I g G A on subway got a fat ass. He almost looks like bitch from behind. Then she just broke my phone on this Asian bitch's head. I have Asian friends, but they some motherfucker weirdos sometimes. I almost got hit by an agent in a BMW as I crossed the street. Yes, I know what you mean, but the important thing is we didn't say it. I don't do. I don't do Mexican, Asian, or Samoan.

[Mike]

What does do mean?

[Greg]

Just cuss that Asian bitch. Clean the fuck out. You mess up my order and then blame me. English is my first language, bitch. Learn the language.

[Mike]

Okay? Here's what I'd like to say. Very surprising. I think I'm surprising myself here. I want this woman canceled. Let me explain. I don't like people being canceled, but if your job is looking out and being a watchdog and a guard for discrimination and, and on racial and sexual levels, and this is in your brain, this is who you were at one point or you still are. No, this job should be canceled.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike]

I'm sorry.

[Greg]

Yeah, it really is. Like, there's just no forgiveness. There's no understanding. Like, she wants us to understand that she was at a different point in her life when she said these things and that she's a changed person. It's like, okay, but how were the people that read these tweets back then? I mean, have they, have you reached out to them?

[Mike]

It also sounds like your mission is a lot about you and the undoing of you and the overcompensating for you. It's almost like someone becoming a spiritual leader in a Catholic church if they're constantly riddled with temptations.

[Greg]

Hey, what's this thing about Caitlin?

[Mike]

So this is the last thing I'm going to say about the Chappelle thing. It came out this week. Caitlyn Jenner. This is the headline. Caitlyn Jenner backstage, Chappelle's transgender stance. He's 100% right. And then Pierce Morgue retweeted Caitlin's statement. So now I'm wondering if Chappelle is wrong. I am. I might be doing an about face, and I, I, I think I might have it wrong. And I'm no longer going to defend Chappelle because Caitlyn Jenner is almost always wrong.

[Greg]

She's always wrong. Yeah. So what is she saying exactly? I'm just reading up the quote.

[Mike]

She is saying, cancel culture, and that this isn't about that. This is about the right to say it.

[Greg]

She said, we must never yield or bow to those who wish to stop us from speaking our minds. And the thing is, I wish someone would get Caitlyn Sarandos from Netflix for not pulling this special. Because, you know, I. Look, I support anybody who's transgender who feels like this special, malign them, or perhaps even worse, causes hatred or whatever else towards their community. Yes, Speak out. File it. Make. File your claim. You did not like this special. You feel like he's X, Y, and Z. But when you start to try to say it should be taken down, that's when you're missing the point of art, which is it causes dialogue, it causes discussion. Which in turn causes change. My point of view has been changed on many issues over the years by people discussing things that were inappropriate or what they deemed as inappropriate. And then I had to challenge it and decide for myself if it was.

[Mike]

Of course. And by the way, thank you, Chappelle. Everyone should be saying, at least this is now a front page dialogue.

[Greg]

Exactly.

[Mike]

And he's right again. If you don't think the rights. I mean, one of his premises is if you don't think the rights of the LGBTQ community have. And protections for them and legal movement on them has just absolutely cast a light on the shamefully slow progress of race in this country, you are fucked if you don't buy into that. You're crazy. You're lying to yourself.

[Greg]

Right. And art is about a perspective. I mean, that's what Picasso did. It showed you that you can look at things from many different angles and there can be different truths about one set of quote, unquote facts that some people see. And for black people in this country who are seeing the civil rights movement moving backwards as voter suppression laws go into effect, you're outraged and you're fucking taking swipes, maybe at people that don't deserve them, but understand where the anger's coming from.

[Mike]

You know, I read one review. I'm sorry, but it is interesting. I read one review where they got it so wrong. And they admitted they were a contributing opinion writer to the New York Times. It was a woman lesbian who said she could be described as. What word did Chappelle use for frumpy or something? And. And she goes, in fairness, I could be described that. Although. And she goes, although my wife would never call me that. Right. So anyway, so she's writing in. But she wasn't alone. So many misunderstood. It's like even himself three times referred to himself. That was the best one. Even Chappelle himself referred to himself three times as transphobic. It's like, oh, my God. Yes, he was called transphobic. And he repeated it as a joke. It's like, even me, transphobic, Dave Chappelle. So, like, you should not be reviewing comedy. You shouldn't even be commenting on comedy if you don't get levels of satire and sarcasm and. Oh, my God. So anyway, the thing that this other woman brought up was that when he brought up a point, I think it was about trans people being allowed to go into the restroom of their new identity, of how. I don't know the words describe, but you know, of how they're newly identifying self identify. Someone clapped in the audience. And Chappelle goes, no, call them out. And goes, no, no, that is not good. And instead of giving him credit for that, she goes, well, that's a perfect example how he created a culture where someone in that crowd thought it was okay to cheer. It's like, that's your take on what just happened. Yeah, now I understand, like, the fake news and, like, you can't believe. Like, you and I watch the same thing, and that's your takeaway. It's Chappelle's fault that that person clapped.

[Greg]

Right. I forget somebody said something, like, a long time ago that once. Once a movement loses its sense of humor, they're lost.

[Mike]

I don't know about that.

[Greg]

Let's go to Florida. Let's go to Florida, Mike.

[Mike]

Talk about a community that's lost. A violent brawl. This is more about Florida, people. A violent brawl breaks out at a Miami dog show. First of all, I just love the phrase Miami dog show. A wild caught on camera brawl broke out between attendees at a Miami dog show, prompting the event to get scrapped altogether. Footage shared on Instagram showed attendees hurling punches, wrestling on the floor, and tossing chairs at the Miami Bully takeover on Saturday. Quote, we're getting back this shit getting violent. One attendee could be heard saying in the clip. The showdown began when two women started arguing over something minor. I just love that detail.

[Greg]

Yes.

[Mike]

But it was one of those things where it's like, okay, it got on the floor. They're fighting. All right, it's broken up now. Nope. Two people watching it are now in a fight. Nope. Now people in the background. And it just kept going, going.

[Greg]

Oh, I need to see that. It's.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's.

[Greg]

And what were the dogs doing the whole time?

[Mike]

That's the funniest part. The dogs were just looking around. But it did make me think, so these. They say dogs, you know, owners choose dogs based on. Is the dog a reflection of themselves? That's why when you go down the street, you're like, that guy looks like a pug who's walking a pug. Yeah, like that girl. She also has a ribbon in her hair, just like her cute, fluffy dog. They're a reflection of you. And so it's not like they've grown. Although I do think that happens also. People grow closer, you know, together and look more like each other. So anyway, this was a bulldog show, so I think there's, like, a lot of pride in that room. A lot of chest thrown out. And I thought if you brought Brulee to some shih tzu dog show. Well, what would that. What would the tenor in that room be like?

[Greg]

That would be like. Men would just begin shitting, like, big wet stools on the carpet. There'd be a lot of complaining about the temperature of the ballroom. It's too hot. They'd put on little sweater vests with cute words on them, like, where's the cat?

[Mike]

I think. I think there'd be a lot of cattiness and also a lot of incredibly mean things, but not exchanged, I think under breath, like out of the side of the mouth. I think a lot of gossip.

[Greg]

Right, right. And there'd be a lot of men going, yes, whatever you want to do, honey. There'd be a lot of that.

[Mike]

A lot of defeated people walking around.

[Greg]

Oh, my God, he won't die. That's the update on Brule. Still not dead.

[Mike]

What is the health update?

[Greg]

He was. He was walking. Here's what he does. He stands. If you're in the kitchen cooking, he sits in the center of the kitchen. If you are in the bathroom brushing your teeth, he stands between your feet. But then if your foot touches him, he bites you. And so I walked into the TV room last night.

[Mike]

Go ahead, touch it. I dare you. Go ahead, touch it.

[Greg]

I walk in and then, see, he walks ahead of me into the TV room and my foot hit the back of his leg. I didn't kick him, but my foot hit the back of his leg. He spun around, bit one foot, then bit the other foot and. And then bared his fucking teeth at me and growled and we had a stare down.

[Mike]

How is he not kicked through an open window at that point?

[Greg]

I don't know, because I'm not afraid of him. But I'm trying to de escalate with him always. I just want him to die. Just fucking die.

[Mike]

Okay. New section in the Sunday papers every week. We're having a section called Brulee. And we're checking in with you because how long do you actually, right now, if you had a place like you and I were gonna bet 40 bucks on over, under, on when Brulee dies. What's the date or year?

[Greg]

He's 15. And if you look up life expectancy for a Lhasa apso.

[Mike]

Oh, is that what he is?

[Greg]

He's old. He's old.

[Mike]

Okay?

[Greg]

Denman is writing that dog could live another four years. It's possible the dog could live another four years. He.

[Mike]

I think not if he bites me.

[Greg]

And it also begs the question of, like, if a dog is biting people, should he not be put Down. If it's a puppy, that's one thing, but if it's a dog who's 15 years old, who could really injure somebody, do I have an ethical responsibility to put that dog down?

[Mike]

So. Right.

[Greg]

Yes, you do. He. He's bit all of our kids. Friends. He's bit all of our kids.

[Mike]

Whatever fodder you need to rationalize killing your dog, I would just take it and run. Do it. By the way, have you ever seen, like, someone come in with a scratch on their face and you're like, oh, man, what happened? And they're like, oh, it's my cat.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

If I had a cat and I ever. You ever saw me with a scratch on my face, this is what you should say, I'm sorry. Your cat just died a horrendous death because I. You can safely assume I strangled the fucking. Yeah.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I don't think that's bad. It's defensive.

[Greg]

There's no getting my kicks.

[Mike]

I'm not getting my kicks.

[Greg]

He pisses on the rug, and then we have to take it outside. We got rid of our rugs because he pissed on them all so much. So we got an outdoor rug for our living room so that when he pisses on it. And we have wee wee pads lining underneath the rug. We have wee wee pads on top of the rug. And then he'll pick a spot where there's no wee wee pad and he'll piss on that. And then we have to move the couch off the rug, move the two chairs off the rug, move the coffee table off the rug, drag it outside, hose it down, let it dry, bring

[Mike]

it back inside, accidentally graze his tail. He bites you while you're bringing in a. That. The pee pee. Oh, my God.

[Greg]

Yeah. It's brutal.

[Mike]

Your dog's a dick. That. I mean, that's the other part of it.

[Greg]

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. All right, let's go international.

[Mike]

There's some international news, Greg.

[Greg]

Okay.

[Mike]

First, after burp. The United States has issued its first passport with X as the gender marker. The United States has issued its first passport making. With the X gender designation marking a milestone in the recognition of the rights of people who did not. Who do not identify as male or female. Okay. Dana Zim. ZZ yym.

[Greg]

Officially the last kid called for attendance in every class she ever attended.

[Mike]

I don't know if that's her real life.

[Greg]

That's the last name in the phone book.

[Mike]

I don't. Yeah, she's really trying to get that coveted spot, but I can't. They. Sorry. They. I don't think that's. That could be the real name. Aren't there. I'm ignorant in this way, but aren't there like terms of. In this gender world with ZZ Anyway, I'm going to put an extra Y in that last name with a question mark after it anyway. Fort Collins, Colorado. They Dana told the Associated Press it was their passport because the US did not identify the person. Zim, who prefers a gender neutral pronoun, has been in a legal battle with the government since 2015 over a passport. Zim said the fight for the passport with an accurate gender designation was a way to help the next generation of intersex people win recognition as full citizens with rights. There you go.

[Greg]

Well, we've talked a lot about this and it sounds like a lot. I mean, it's hard. Look, I don't know what it's like to be a trans person. This isn't a trans person. This is an ex. This person wants an X gender. I don't understand how painful that must be. I try to be sympathetic of it. I think the reaction a lot of us just have is it seems like a lot of energy to expel for. What is it, three seconds where you just check something off on a form? Like, I don't, I don't follow it.

[Mike]

I don't know. But couldn't one argue that someone has to be the first to move this? I mean, I think in 10 years. It's interesting I was gonna say, I think in 10 years all passports will have that. I wonder if US is the first country.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Now I'm trying to be fair minded about this. I bet there's an argument against it, which is, listen, if, if for nothing else, in theory, I think on paper the passport is the most accurate identifier of you. More than your driver's license. More than anything. Because there is tremendous security concerns.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And they need to like, you know, that's what everyone tries to get a fake passport when they're trying to hide their identity.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But I think some immigration officers in tougher countries, like Eastern European, I think they're gonna smirk a little when they get this passport. Oh, I see. Well, okay.

[Greg]

Come on, do the accent.

[Mike]

I can't do an Eastern European. How would you do it?

[Greg]

We hope they would mind if I don't refer to you as they because I can only stamp one passport and I can't tell my boss. I, I let them in. It would fuck up everything. Or at customs they have one bag, they're sharing a bag.

[Mike]

No, no, that's.

[Greg]

They. They.

[Mike]

It's they bag. Also, I'm sure some refugees in the world right now wouldn't be as sympathetic, like, oh, you got an American passport and rejected it. Oh, must be nice. And then. Oh, and then you sued them because there was a gender designation that you wanted more specific. Oh, okay. You know, I would take a US Passport that identified me as a dog right now. Yeah, I'm starving and sleeping in a tent at a border.

[Greg]

All right, I think we've talked enough about intersex issues today.

[Mike]

And that's not me. That's a really unsympathetic refugee. So don't send your mail to me. Send it to the refugee camp on the border.

[Greg]

All right, let's do some sports. All right, so we're neck and neck. Neck and neck.

[Mike]

Transgender Baseball

[Greg]

bet this year. You've been up the whole season, but you're only up 50 bucks after my Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Not my. I can. I can't stand them, but I'm. But they're my team. This year in the bet, they destroyed. Who did they play?

[Mike]

The Bears.

[Greg]

The Bears. They killed the Bears. And now this week, there was a 12 point spread and I think they won by 20 something points. New Orleans this week only giving New Orleans four and a half points. Game is in New Orleans. I see us winning. I see us beating that spread easily. You're going to be bad. You're going to be back to even. Although I owe you 20 bucks because

[Mike]

I knew the Dodgers would lose that game. I knew it.

[Greg]

I had the Dodgers in game and

[Mike]

I loved betting against them.

[Greg]

All right, so I got to change

[Mike]

your dumb, dumb city. This dumb collection of suburbs we live in. We love it. There's no water. We love. Takes you an hour each way to work, which is four miles away. We love it.

[Greg]

I don't get involved in my community because I'm just here to make a few million and then move back to Topeka, Kansas. We love it.

[Mike]

All right, another sports story. Australian footballer Josh Cavallo, which is. We're talking about soccer, has come out as gay.

[Greg]

Jesus. Another gay story in our fucking saying

[Mike]

he's tired of this double life. Don't worry, we're not going to go into that issue. We're going to make it funny. He becomes the only currently active male professional in the world to do so. Now, I didn't write that line. I think there were. There's. There's an NBA player who's out of the closet.

[Greg]

So, I mean, I think he's the only professional rugby player in the world to come out soccer. Oh, Australian footballer is not. Oh, footballer. Got it.

[Mike]

So, yeah, I believe so. I believe that's what we're talking about. We should know. But I think that's what.

[Greg]

Now, Australian football is like rugby. It's very similar to rugby.

[Mike]

All right, can. Wait, can Chris look this up? Because my joke is based on soccer.

[Greg]

Mine is based on rugby.

[Mike]

Yours is.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

All right, then do yours first.

[Greg]

All right, if it was rugby, here's what I would say about this. I predict 99% of the rugby players in the world will now come out as gay. Uniforms are gonna get skimpier, but the plays will essentially stay the same. You wrap your arms around each other, you follow into a pile, you grab each other's balls. Yeah. I think a couple other guys are gonna get inspired by this guy.

[Mike]

I mean, I played rugby. You jam your head between men's legs.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Literally.

[Greg]

Right.

[Mike]

Well, I'm glad you got your story out. I gotta get your joke out because it's been confirmed. It's soccer.

[Greg]

Oh, boy.

[Mike]

So here's what. Here's what. Here's what the. Here's what every soccer player could say. But here's what this. This gay soccer player is like. So now I'm no longer going to hide my emotional histrionics and overreactions when another male barely touches me on the field. I'm going to writhe on the ground, rolling, crying at the middle. Mere contact. In fact, sometimes they won't even touch me. And I will flip out and get incredibly dramatic. Yeah, I'm not going to hide that anymore because we've never seen that in soccer.

[Greg]

But then afterwards, I'm going to touch him on the face. Gently. Intimately.

[Mike]

Exactly. Rub the back, pat him on the butt. Right. Like all sports does. But I'm telling you, if you had me watch any Latina, Latino, or Latin soccer team, South American, Central American, and I'm going to throw Italy in there, I'd be like, is there a rule that only gays can play this sport because of the histrionics? Yeah, I know that's not the right thing to say, but, I mean, some of the falls are like. You are seeing either like, an incredibly dramatic scene in opera or, like, on Broadway, and it's unbelievably flamboyant. It really is.

[Greg]

Yeah. It is hard to understand when you watch American sports and then you see soccer played like that because, like, growing up playing hockey, the last thing you did when somebody fouled you was to take. If you took a dive in hockey, you would be thrown out of the game.

[Mike]

Can you imagine taking. How about this? You're not touched in hockey. That's the key. That's also. Even if you are touched. But let's. You're not touched. You throw your stick and gloves up in the. I'm not exaggerating here. You throw your stick and gloves up in the air. You fall on the ground, you cover your face because you're crying and you roll back and forth, crying over this fake contact.

[Greg]

Right.

[Mike]

Someone would cut your throat with the blade of their skate.

[Greg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike]

Like. And that's exactly what they do in soccer.

[Greg]

Yeah. And in football, I mean, if you're a wide receiver and. And you, you do a. You. You run across the field and you catch the ball and you get lined up, head tackled and you land on your back, you get the fuck up as fast as you can and you run back to the huddle. As a sign of toughness, you just

[Mike]

get up and start walking towards the other end zone. Your players will come get you. They're like, just keep it cool. You're walking the wrong way. Come back here. We're gonna do a little water timeout. How about that? Yeah, yeah. Are you crying?

[Greg]

Let's get to some business. We're gonna cut down a little bit.

[Mike]

PETA. PETA. All right, this. Did you put this story in here?

[Greg]

PETA, you did put this.

[Mike]

All right, I'm doubting this is a real story. That's how outrageous it is.

[Greg]

But no, no. I read it from several news sources. This is a real story. I couldn't believe it here. So I checked.

[Mike]

Go ahead.

[Greg]

Is Major League Baseball to stop using the term bullpen to describe the area slaughtered?

[Mike]

The first one. PETA is asking.

[Greg]

Oh, PETA is asking Major League Baseball to stop using the term bullpen to describe the area where pitchers warm up and instead use the term arm barn. They're saying bullpen is insensitive to cows in a news release on Thursday. And the news release, PETA says, midgley, baseball should strike out the word bullpen in favor of a more modern, family, animal friendly term.

[Mike]

PETA couldn't be referring. I'm not going to do that joke.

[Greg]

Wow.

[Mike]

This. You can see why I think it's a fake story.

[Greg]

Let me see if it's fake. I swear to God, I saw it twice.

[Mike]

The term bullpen is offensive to cows and they want it changed because of that. Are cows watching baseball? It's too boring for them, isn't it? I Can barely watch baseball.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Also can. All right. And also, PETA had more demands. They want baseball to stop using the term bats. It's insensitive to bats who are already dealing with all the backlash from COVID And then also southpaw. Again, the animals with paws. Can you not refer to south? Also, let's. Can we not say out anymore in baseball that there's outs or three outs. It's insensitive to those who aren't out yet. And balls. It's exclusive to men. And it's so marginalizing. Also strikes. It's insensitive to labor movements. Also error. It's unnecessarily harsh for the player's best effort. Stolen base. Greg is labeling many of these socioeconomically challenged players as thieves. It's not right. And then pitchers and catchers, those terms should be exclusive to men.

[Greg]

Fucking right. Right. And a double play. That's not fair to people in polygamous marriages. Triple plays, double plays. It's not a play. It's love.

[Mike]

It's a slippery slope here. I mean, where's it gonna end?

[Greg]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Good little rant there. You sounded like Bill Maher for a second.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, I should have laughed a lot harder at my own joke then. Chicken and bush.

[Greg]

You should have scowled at the audience for perceiving them not laughing hard enough in your great material.

[Mike]

Going to science.

[Greg]

Let's go to. Let's go to business real quick.

[Mike]

You got it. I had that section right here. Anyway. Business section. Okay. Lots of industries, as we know. It's a huge news story, are losing workers. Like police, teachers. Now, I think it's very inflated, but they're saying they're losing workers because of refusals to get vaccinated. Well, so are the arts. Ice Cube exits Sony comedy. And the movie was called oh, hell no. After declining a COVID 19 vaccine throughout the pandemic, Ice Cube has promoted mask wearing. In August at Bacone College in Oklahoma, they thanked the star and others for a donation of 2,000 face masks. And he unveiled a program called check yourself before you wreck yourself. And he had branded T shirts featuring the star in a mask. So Ice Cube is supportive of masks. It seems like he believes the science of that. But he's out of this movie because he refuses to get vaccinated.

[Greg]

I have one thing to say. Hey, Ice, what's with the attitude?

[Mike]

I'm also wondering, are you sure you didn't pull out of this film because it's called oh, hell no?

[Greg]

Oh, hell no. I would say that is the most hackneyed black line in. In any black movie sitcom. Oh, hell no.

[Mike]

Although it's maybe tied with check yourself before you wreck yourself with masks. In his defense, I will say his fourth album, I think it was, was called Lethal Injection.

[Greg]

Yeah, right, right. Famous album.

[Mike]

So I think he is a little more scared than others of what could be in this vaccine.

[Greg]

Well, good riddance. Look, if people are gonna put their money where their mouth is and not take $9 million, then fucking good for him. Yeah, that's what he believes.

[Mike]

$9 million payday for. Oh, hell no.

[Greg]

Oh, hell no. This day in history.

[Mike]

Here we go. Hold on. Okay, go ahead.

[Greg]

Okay. On October 31st, Halloween of all days, celebrated magician Harry Houdini died 1926. He was the most celebrated magician and escape artist of the 20th century. Twelve days before, he'd been talking to a group of students after a lecture in Montreal when he commented on the strength of his stomach muscles and their ability to withstand hard blows. Suddenly, one of the students punched Houdini twice in the stomach. The magician hadn't had time to prepare, and the blows ruptured his appendix and he died. He died. How bad would you feel? Yeah, he died from it.

[Mike]

Oh, he fell ill on a training.

[Greg]

He lasted a couple weeks, but then he died.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Greg]

Oh, no, no, he died that day. Yeah, he died that day. Yep.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Greg]

Unbelievable. Guy was born in Budapest, son of a rabbi and really acrobatic ability. He worked on a trap as a trapeze artist and he could. He gained fame for being able to escape from any manacle.

[Mike]

Well, his first. His first illusion was everyone thinking he was Italian.

[Greg]

Exactly. So he did tricks where they would. They would. They would bound him and drop him into a water tank or off of a boat. Oh, yeah, they would. They would bound him and hang him upside down in a glass walled water tank.

[Mike]

Yeah, he was David Blaine, you know, way back.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Escape artist.

[Greg]

It is a kind of a cool thing when you invent a whole new, like, profession, you know. There was no. There was no. No thang as a. As an escape artist before Harry Houdini. He don't think.

[Mike]

You don't think in traveling circuses and all that. I'm sure there's. I'm sure he stole. I bet there's books written about how much Houdini stole.

[Greg]

Right. But he turned it into a profession.

[Mike]

He was the P.T. barnum of a skateboard.

[Greg]

Yes. He was like what Evel Knievel was to stunt men. Like evil. Knievel just went, you know what I Like, jumping shit. I'm going to make a living at it. I'm going to create a fucking Persona. And it's just so cool to me that you live a life like that. I would love to read a book about Harry Houdini.

[Mike]

Evel Knievel, though. I mean, that's a bad example, though, because then you saw Thelma and Louise try to jump the canyon like he did. Same exact result.

[Greg]

Yeah, women drivers

[Mike]

straight off the cliff.

[Greg]

All right, let's do some letters to the editor.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Greg]

Okay. Now, Dick says, what's the other shitty city in New Mexico? For all the reading you supposedly do, pick up a third grade book. The Capital cities of the United States of America. Took offense to you calling my hometown shitty. Don't let me catch your bony white ass here. I'll kick you from one side of the plaza to the other. That goes for your Aryan brother on the podcast, too.

[Mike]

That'd be me.

[Greg]

If the podcast wasn't so good, I'd drop it. You guys do a great job. Haven't missed one since the beginning.

[Mike]

Here's the funny part. He did not detail the name of the capital city he lives in. And I don't know what he's referring to.

[Greg]

Neither do I.

[Mike]

Neither do I. Santa Fe.

[Greg]

It's either Santa Fe or. What's the other one? What's the other town?

[Mike]

Let's. Let's really get him angry. I think it's Tucson. No, it's Flagstaff.

[Greg]

Newark. I think it's Newark. I played golf in that golf tournament, and I got to know a little bit. Talk for a long time with the guy from Breaking Bad, the bald guy who.

[Mike]

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg]

Richard. Is it Richard? And he live. He lives in Albuquerque.

[Mike]

The guy. The guy who plays the tough, like, enforcer Mike.

[Greg]

Yeah, the guy who plays Mike. I hung out with him for. He's great for a while. He was a very cool, funny guy. And I said to him, I go, where do you live? And he goes, well, my house burned down in Malibu, so I moved to Albuquerque.

[Mike]

There's a name.

[Greg]

I think it was Albuquerque. I honestly can't remember. I know. It's New Mexico.

[Mike]

Hey, listen, I got Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Taos. I mean, I'm naming three. How many major cities are in New Mexico? Five. And by major, I'm really stretching it.

[Greg]

Jonathan Banks is the guy's name.

[Mike]

And what's the capital of New Mexico? Chris? He's gonna have to Google it just like everybody else. Yep, here it comes.

[Greg]

No sports team Santa Fe.

[Mike]

Nailed it. Nailed it. Santa Fe.

[Greg]

My mom, who's an interesting woman, she flew out to Santa Fe and went to Taos because they have a balloon festival there every year that's really, really famous. And, like, they all do whippets.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Like balloons that healing. Like balloons that you ride in.

[Mike]

They all got it. I thought. I didn't think it was like balloon animals. She loved making a. Like a Dalmatian out of a balloon with that long body.

[Greg]

She was on Love on the Spectrum this month, which, by the way, we didn't. We talked about that already. I can't tell people enough to watch. Love on the Spectrum makes me want

[Mike]

to be a better person.

[Greg]

Beautiful show. And it makes me think that I perhaps am on the spectrum.

[Mike]

Oh, of course we have those thoughts.

[Greg]

Yep.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg]

Then, Gary, this guy Esai76, said regarding gay Superman, he's a fairy, I do suppose, flying in the air in pantyhose. He may be very sexy or even cute, but he looks like a sucker in a blue and red suit. Thank you, Esai.

[Mike]

What a nice little poem.

[Greg]

Yep.

[Mike]

And I think he's using fairy very literally here.

[Greg]

Michael Smith said, Nicolas Cage is the biggest Elvis fan, so marrying Lisa Marie was his biggest piece of Elvis memorabilia. Yeah, that's fucking twisted. That Nicolas Cage was a huge Elvis fan and then ended up marrying his daughter does that.

[Mike]

Yet it's far from the weirdest marriage in Lisa Marie's life. Yeah, that's like not even close. Not even close.

[Greg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mike]

Maybe it would make more sense if Nicholas Cage was a huge Michael Jackson fan and he want to smell a little of that stank because they slept together all the time. Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie, his new bride.

[Greg]

At that time, I got a bunch of emails from people who want to explain coinbase and you know what? I'm out. I don't care. Thank you for writing. I don't, don't, don't send me more notes about crypto.

[Mike]

I gotta find out about Rose, though. My friend is telling me to buy Rose that crypto.

[Greg]

Gian Posset says, tell Mike to get off the Dave Chappelle stuff. I know he will defend artists he loves from the heinous act they do, but the trans community. All right, enough. Trans.

[Mike]

That's the letter I was looking for.

[Greg]

All right, enough.

[Mike]

It's offensive. Whatever, go on.

[Greg]

I just. Hey, Greg and Mike. I just watched Jim Gaffigan's the Pale Tourist again and was pretty impressed by how well he repeatedly makes killer points and calls out stupid cultural status quo bullshit with a 100% clean act. I'm a big fan of a variety of comedians, including Bill Cosby, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Dave Attell, Greg Giraldo, blah, blah, blah.

[Mike]

Wait, Bill Cosby is still number one on Max's list here or.

[Greg]

Yeah, Max, he was number one on mine when people used to ask me what comedian inspired me the most. Up until the charges, Bill Cosby was my number one guy.

[Mike]

Yeah, you just said nothing. Of course. But right now, if you were to write to a podcast, you'd say, I'm a big fan of variety of a variety of comedians, including you would lead with. Bill Cosby wouldn't even be on your list.

[Greg]

That's probably true.

[Mike]

Of course he wouldn't. Even if you are giving him credit for being an incredible stand up, you wouldn't write him on Max, dude, what is happening here? All right, go ahead.

[Greg]

What's your take on top level comedians who have Kleenex and are able to make points just as well or better than many comedians who seem to rely on blue comedy, or let's call it foul language to make their points? Listen, man. Listen, Max, whatever you want to listen to, you should listen to, but it's not leaning on blue material. I curse. I talk about inappropriate things. I am not. I don't do it to fucking push buttons. I do it because I find it. It's compelling to me. It's the way I like to talk. It's the way I was raised to talk, and I don't lean on it. I. I think if you're a clean comic. I love Gaffigan. I love Brian Regan. There's a bunch of clean comics. I love Seinfeld.

[Mike]

Eh. Cause go ahead.

[Greg]

But I just feel like people think that somehow it's better if you're clean. It's just different. It's just who they are as people.

[Mike]

I don't think Max is entrenched in that argument that the Kleenex, if they're just as effective or better. I think he's legitimately asking us by foul language.

[Greg]

And then he writes. I think he wrote this line because he didn't want to come off as prudish. By foul language, I mean words like fuck you, you motherfucker cunt, ass eating pussy retarded faggot fucks like. Whoa. Take it easy, Max. I know what foul language is.

[Mike]

Who do you think you are? That person that organized the Netflix walkout.

[Greg]

Holy.

[Mike]

But listen, we've repeatedly, repeatedly said on this podcast that one of our favorite comedians of all time is Brian Regan. Yeah, we always talk about how funny he is. And that guy is as clean as they get.

[Greg]

Can I tell you something? I listened to. I was listening to SiriusXM and they played Dave Attell's album Skanks for the Memories. And I was on my way to the podcast and I had to sit in my car for a half an hour and listen to it. There's not a better comedy album ever made.

[Mike]

All right, I'm gonna listen to it. I don't remember it.

[Greg]

It is fucking rapid fire gold.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Greg]

It is insane. And it's a. And he's got his own voice. And I mean, pound for pound, the most concentrated comedy album made ever made.

[Mike]

All right, I'm gonna go give it a listen.

[Greg]

Okay. One last one and then we'll move on.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, this is timely.

[Greg]

Ted. Ted Nugent wrote on Instagram.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Greg]

That it was a picture of Alec Baldwin. It said that. Look, when an anti gun nut kills more people with a gun than your extensive firearm collection ever has. Hmm.

[Mike]

Oh, Wrong opportunity to try to make your case in the most distorted, disingenuous way.

[Greg]

What a shitty thing to write. What a fucking. What a douchebag.

[Mike]

How about the live firearms that are so readily available they can't even keep track of them?

[Greg]

Right, right.

[Mike]

I mean, the ammunition. Oh, my God.

[Greg]

Did you want to read this one from Mark Pramav?

[Mike]

Yeah. I have to say that Mike is dead on. Not because it gives me props. I stated the obvious. I have to say that Mike is dead on about J Rad. They are the best thing out there in this post Grateful Dead world. And by a long shot, punk rock, Grateful Dead art. We don't have to read the whole thing. Um, but he's basically predicting when we go to Dead and Company. So they're called Dead and Company, but the nickname now is Dead and Slow. And he's. So we're going tonight. Sunday night.

[Greg]

It's John Mayer to Dead and Company.

[Mike]

And that's the company part. And I having seen this Joe Russo's Almost Dead J Radio, I know there's going to be a. It's impossible for there not to be a letdown, this band. If J Rad is playing in your town, it doesn't matter if you can't name a single Dead song. It's not about that. You're going to go see these musicians jam in a jazz rock fusion, but an Allman brother way. That's incredible.

[Greg]

I can't wait to see them. But you know what? I'm going to the Dead as much to be a Part of a crowd of people that are largely tripping, 100% happy, generous, fun loving, dancing, helping each other. I want to be in that energy for three hours. That's why I'm going to the concert. The music will be great, but it's the experience.

[Mike]

It's kind of.

[Greg]

It's.

[Mike]

We're going to be on a lot of drugs. Because you could say I'm going there for that infectious feeling in that stadium, that vibe. It's like a drug. Kind of like the drug I'm gonna jam in my mouth a half hour before I go to that drug.

[Greg]

And the amount of pot you're gonna inhale secondhand the entire show.

[Mike]

Oh, my God. Exactly.

[Greg]

Oh, by the way, I've got two major hemorrhoids that are. Oh, my God. Whoa. Yeah. So dancing for three hours. I may need to take. Take a little squat for a while and rest my roids.

[Mike]

Isn't it the opposite? I've never had hemorrhoids. Isn't it the opposite? Like, don't you want to be standing and not sitting?

[Greg]

Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure.

[Mike]

Maybe this is why you have them. You don't even know how hemorrhoids work. You don't even know how an asshole works.

[Greg]

I know it's a mess back there.

[Mike]

What did you say? You were teeing off. Literally, you put the thing and you bent over, and maybe that's what made you think of it, because you felt it. You're putting your ball on the tee and you didn't even look up. You're like, my asshole is a disgrace right now,

[Greg]

dude. Just filled with hemorrhoids. It's got a rash. No, I hadn't showered in two days, so it was moldy back there.

[Mike]

You also. At lunch, I'm sitting, first of all, I'm sitting next to that which you just described. But you also go. I go, are you doing sets tonight in town? You're like, no, I can't. I'm quarantining because of the COVID You're sitting a foot away from me. That's how I find out about it.

[Greg]

Did I mention that. That I was exposed on Monday?

[Mike]

You did earlier in the podcast. Okay, we're going to obituaries, pal.

[Greg]

And that's all, folks.

[Mike]

All right, this is a big one.

[Greg]

Comedian named Mort Saul, who is a very influential comedy comedian, died in his home in Mill Valley, which is where Dennis Gubbins is from, at the age of 94. He began his stand up in the 50s, evolving from his vaudeville roots. Nobody was quite doing what he'd done. He carried a newspaper under his arm and offered a rapid fire conversational patter that sounded utterly natural and unscripted. It often was, focusing on political satire and commentary. Saul's dark humor appealed to young humorists including. Including Woody Allen and John Cleese, who were profoundly influenced by him. Saul also found a fan in President John F. Kennedy who asked the comedian to write political jokes for him. His album the Future Lies Ahead is a recording of a routine in front of a live audience, is widely considered to be the first modern comedy album. Interesting.

[Mike]

I'm gonna listen to that. I'm gonna listen to Skanks for the Memories and I'm gonna listen to the Future Lies Ahead.

[Greg]

So the problem is he got obsessed with the Kennedy assassination. And in the same way. Do you. With. With. What's his name?

[Mike]

We're waiting. Who? The director with JFK.

[Greg]

The comedian. The comedian who. Who overdosed in the 60s.

[Mike]

Who. What's his.

[Greg]

Lenny Bruce. Yeah, Lenny Bruce, like, basically spun out about his hor. His course Kate. Court case. And he would just go on stage and. And he would read minutes from court cases and he became unwatchable. And the same thing kind of happened with Mort Saul. He got obsessed with the Kennedy assassination and the Warren Commission and he became irrelevant. And he had a bit of a comeback later, but he kind of lost his place at the forefront of comedy for a long time. But he was very, very successful. He had TV shows and.

[Mike]

Oh, no, he Huge influence on so many. But it's a little. I think it's the way Chappelle said, I'm done. Because I think, you know, when. When the comedian latches on and stays, they can very easily be dismissed as. I just don't want to see that anymore. I already saw it.

[Greg]

Yeah, right.

[Mike]

You can't. But I understand it like if you're Mort Saul and you think the President was killed and we've been fed lies about it, like, I understood, you know, I understand a lot of people who latch onto an issue, you know. Yeah, same with Lenny Bruce. Yeah, he was apoplectic. He couldn't wait to tell people because it was so unbelievable what was happening to him.

[Greg]

Right, right.

[Mike]

So anyway, I understand it.

[Greg]

All right. We always cheer up after the obituaries by reading the Sunday funnies.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Greg]

All right, let's kick it off with.

[Mike]

How's your energy? How's your energy?

[Greg]

Well, I took Ritalin. Do I seem like I'm fading?

[Mike]

My face looks red. No, maybe you do, because I'm fading. So I can't even. I can't even watch you and see your energy

[Greg]

as people hit. As people switch to Marc Marin's podcast.

[Mike]

No, come on, man. We're gonna. We got the fun.

[Greg]

Let's start. Let's start with Hagger the Horrible. Okay, he is. He is really horrible. He is just gone. And. Wait, where is it? I lost it.

[Mike]

I got it.

[Greg]

All right, why don't you describe it? Okay. Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay, you go. You're good at Hagar.

[Greg]

All right, so the king and the queen are watching Hagar run out of their castle with a big smile on his face. He's got a golden urn. And the king says, hagar grabs our belongings like he's picking items from a store shelf. And. And then the queen says, I know, it's humiliating. Now, what she's talking about, of course, is she's just been raped. And now in the last frame, Hagar and his boys are leaving with shopping bags full of gold. And she goes, he's using shopping bags? I would think that would be the least of her worries right now. Paper or plastic? How about rape or leave me alone?

[Mike]

He doesn't need a bag to take out your innocence, yet he's walking right out the door with that. Right over the drawbridge with every bit of respect that might have been afforded to you by other men. God, I don't even know how I didn't finish that sentence, but you know what I mean. Rape.

[Greg]

Alright, so looking now at the Lockhorns, I have to tell you, there is a listener of the show who heard that I wanted to talk to. To the writers of the Lockhorns, which I did the research, and there was a couple that did it, the Hests. And the husband died in like 1988 or something. And she continued writing the script on her own. She writes five Lockhorn scripts a week, plus the panel on Sunday, which has like six cartoons. She writes like 11 cartoons every fucking week. They're all good. And she's been doing it for like 60 years. She's like in her 80s now.

[Mike]

Am I the only one thinking she killed her husband and that so much

[Greg]

of this is autobiographical and so Bunny is doing it on her own. So a listener of mine somehow found her phone number and called her and said we wanted to talk to her.

[Mike]

No.

[Greg]

Yes. So he sends me the number and says she's expecting your call. So I call her up, I leave a message, I say, you know, we have this podcast we read your strips on every week.

[Mike]

I think I'm in shock right now, like the listeners. I can't believe I know nothing of this.

[Greg]

And so she. So I leave a message, and then she calls me back.

[Mike]

No.

[Greg]

And I missed her call. And she said, hey, I'm flattered that you like the strip. Right now is the holidays, and this is a really busy time because we're also putting a book. But I would love to talk to you guys on the show. Can we do it at the beginning of the next year? So we're gonna talk to Bunny Hest, who writes the best comic strip in the newspaper week after week.

[Mike]

I know it's asking a lot because she's old, and she already told us she's busy. Can we also have her call Family Circus? Can we have her call the.

[Greg]

We should interview him.

[Mike]

Also, can we have her call the Keene residence?

[Greg]

All right, so here's the first one this week. They're sitting in the marriage counselor's office, and she's talking to the therapist. Leroy's got his arms crossed, and he's scowling. And she goes, we've been working on our marriage 110%. Guess who's giving the 10%.

[Mike]

You know, it's not the strongest joke, but it's a joke.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

An effort that person rejected. Trust me, this woman rejected a lot of other thoughts to get to that, to try to improve it, get it better.

[Greg]

The next one is Leroy running for the bus with a coffee in his hand and a briefcase. Loretta says to her friend, the only time Leroy runs is to get out of walking.

[Mike]

It's a really good joke.

[Greg]

It's a really good joke. It's just solid. Here is.

[Mike]

Don't know. Save them. You're gonna run out of these.

[Greg]

Wait, this. Now there's one more. That. There's one more in here that's really good. Loretta says to Leroy, it's not my. It's not my fault. You're easy to insult. And then it's a great.

[Mike]

If that line was in a movie, everyone would give it credit.

[Greg]

It's a Billy Crystal line. It's something he would do. And then they're at the marriage counselor again, and Leroy is pointing at Loretta, and he goes, of course, she has a right to be heard, but not constantly. All right, let's slow it down. Let's do a little Family Circus.

[Mike]

I forgot to get Camp Family Circus today. So I quickly copied it and pasted it in here. And I had the thought, how much energy. And it's. It's just such a waste. For instance, like, pasting something In a Google Doc like that, probably like this is taking up memory somewhere. Somewhere in some memory farm that Google has. I've taken up a little space by grabbing this and going online. Even online, that's taking up space. What a complete waste. You have these two kids. You have the daughter, redheaded daughter, and she has a marker in her hand and she's talking to the baby who's standing there. And they're looking at a table and. And on the table is a jack o' lantern, a carved pumpkin with the typical, you know, smiley face with the weird teeth. And next to it is this little orange shape, tiny, with eyes drawn on it and a weird mouth. And she says, I made him a baby out of an orange. That's what it is.

[Greg]

Yeah, she's.

[Mike]

She made, I guess, the jack o lantern a baby out of an orange using a crayon. I. I honestly don't even know where to begin. It's like gibberish almost. And I'm supposed to analyze it and. No, I've given up on laughing. But I. I'm trying to decode what the intention of. In the funny section. Yeah, I made him a baby out of an orange. I mean, I guess he's striving for cute.

[Greg]

Yeah.

[Mike]

That's all that could maybe be said.

[Greg]

That's what it is, is, you know, you're on the funny pages. You're not. Go to another section. Okay. Family Circus. Don't. Don't fucking assume you should be in a section where all the other artists and the writers are trying to elicit laughter because you've read the news, it's sad. You've read the obituaries, and now you just want to cleanse the palate. This isn't cleansing the palate.

[Mike]

It's crazy. Also, that needs to be explained to someone. Yeah, the kid's standing there. You don't think he knows it's an orange?

[Greg]

Right.

[Mike]

Whatever. It's. I can't wait to talk to that woman who actually writes jokes.

[Greg]

All right, well, speaking of angry, how about goddamn Dagwood Bumstead, who is, you know, he doesn't work out his body. He's fucking scrawny and he doesn't give a shit. He does his hair, it looks like, with, you know, a broken combination. And now blondie walks in, and now she is a fucking vision.

[Mike]

She has on purple dress.

[Greg]

A purple dress with a nice, you know, actually pretty modest cleavage for her, but the calves are stunning. She's clearly doing the Joe Wider step program.

[Mike]

It's at the knee.

[Greg]

She Is walking. She's doing a lot of walking. And then he looks at her and he goes, is that a new dress you're wearing? And she comes over and plants a kiss on him, puts her hand on his shoulder and goes, thank you for noticing, dear. And now the third frame, which if I'm in the cartoon, here's the third frame. She's on her back with her feet in the air, and I'm fucking pounding into that dress. And instead he says, the dress is

[Mike]

all rolled up around her head. She can't even see. I love your new dress.

[Greg]

It's torn. And he goes, actually, I noticed the price tag on the sleeve. You fucking zero. What else for that? Whatever that shit job you do at your job that you're constantly not getting a promotion and where you're sleeping at your desk, somehow they give you a check for money. What would you rather spend that money on than making that piece of ass look that good? What? A sandwich. Another sandwich.

[Mike]

Oh, boy.

[Greg]

Oh, what a waste of shame.

[Mike]

It is a waste.

[Greg]

Yep.

[Mike]

Such a waste.

[Greg]

Good today. She looks real good today.

[Mike]

And flats. She was wearing flats. She still pulled it off.

[Greg]

Yeah. And the calves are still have definition, even with flats on. It's unreal.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Greg]

All right, listen, people. Thanks for listening. And by the way, if you enjoy the podcast, tell a friend, reach out, send an email right now. As I say it, remind friends to go to Apple Podcasts and subscribe. Please subscribe. Leave some nice messages for us. Helps us in the rankings. We're trying to keep the podcast building and growing as we go into 2022. And that's it. We want to thank the fine folks, Chris Denman, who did a great job this week. Really good. Chris. Chris.

[Mike]

And he did. He wrote a funny joke that we both forgot to read. He wrote. Oh, no.

[Greg]

Really?

[Mike]

Yeah, he wrote a joke earlier. I forget what topic it was on. Well, he has a lot of material on Asian hate. Yes, it might have been there.

[Greg]

And that's just from his diary.

[Mike]

Well, he gets in. He's advanced. He gets in character. So there's. Speaking of the word of the week, there's a movie meta. A meta quality.

[Greg]

And he gets in costume. I mean, I don't know where he gets that World War II stuff.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, people like, what are you. You kind of just look like this schlub. He's like, no, no, I'm the guy that. I can't. Never mind. It's too harsh.

[Greg]

Okay, so we want to thank Key, who does the editing and engineering, and Beth Hoops. Who does the social media for the show and who runs the company with Chris Midcoast Media for all of your needs. Check them out.

[Mike]

Now, what are we going to do next week? We're both. It's not straightforward.

[Greg]

We're both out of town. I'm in San Francisco. I leave Thursday morning. So I think we may have to tape on Wednesday next week.

[Mike]

You don't want to tape on the road?

[Greg]

I could on Saturday, but Saturday's no good for you.

[Mike]

Saturday's a tough one. I'm going to the big house. From what they tell me, I'm packing in with 110,000 people to watch a college football game in Michigan.

[Greg]

Jesus Christ.

[Mike]

But could I do it Friday night?

[Greg]

I've shows Friday night we could do. Well, let's talk about it off the air. We'll figure it out.

[Mike]

I think they love hearing this. All right, maybe Wednesday. By the way, I want to do that story where. Oh, there was some story we talked about up top. Oh, no, we talked about it yesterday and died laughing. The person who didn't answer their phone when they were being rescued.

[Greg]

Oh, how do we forget that? Yeah, we'll do that next week.

[Mike]

So we're already ahead. We're already ahead.

[Greg]

Good, good, good, good. All right. All right. Thanks for listening, you guys. And don't forget, pick up your mugs. Go to fitzdog.com or sundaypapers.net Order them now, get them for Christmas. Support the show and get a mug

[Mike]

and take it Ish. Take it ish.

[Greg]

Take it Eash. Mike sits at home in the dark

[Mike]

all alone, hoping no one discovers the

[Greg]

sites he was browsing in Chrome. I'm not sure what was there, but

[Mike]

I don't want to know.

[Greg]

Greg hits the road, spreading Delta to all of the old people buying the tickets to one of his shows. I just heard there were three dead

[Mike]

from Buffalo Rose, then from fr.

[Greg]

It's a fine. Think John Cabrera could use a vacation? Maybe smoke some pot or enjoy a libation while I ride. Write the songs and you sell the dick medication. Cabrera, won't you share

[Mike]

a song for.

[Greg]

Sa. Extreme?

[Mike]

Read all about it.